Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 327-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: January 20, 2016

Hey Hitler! Hope all is well. Let us know what's up. There's a new hilarious lady whose apartment has caught on fire. Sorry about the fire, lady. But super thankful a camera crew found you to talk about it.  The mommies talk about crazy plastic surgeons, crazy Sean Penn, crazy edibles and whole lot more.  Plus, Master Of Accents, Tom "The King of All Accents" Segura will blow your mind with his ability to mimic ANY accent! This episode is 100% denim. 

Hey Hitler, you know what that means time for a show Jeans Hey Hitler, I had the best time in In Denver among the rod of us you did that a lot of mommies come out. Oh my god. I had eight sold-out shows Holy fuck. Yeah, it was crazy. You're really becoming famous now It's kind of weird famous, but I'm you she totally are it's so weird Yeah, it's weird because our lives are kind of the same everything's the same. Yeah, but you're like famous now That's kind of weird. I mean, I'm internet famous

For sure and I'm like a fine star, you know, no you're a little I think you're bigger than that I got verified by Twitter this week. Yeah, finally. I mean, I feel so much better than regular people now I didn't realize how good that check mark fell. I know now wait for Instagram, but they haven't verified No, I know that's a real summer happen Facebook. They saw what was up a while ago I don't think I've been I've been verified on Twitter, but not Facebook or Instagram Yeah, it was it was pretty crazy man, did you pull your peener out? Oh, yeah, no, I checked my deck all over Denver Yeah, I ate edibles You didn't even tell me that yeah, yeah vape dad

You thought vape dad was gonna vape, but I ate edible ate one on stage. You did. Why did you tell me about this? Probably too high to remember So lucky. Yeah, tell me about your adventures outside. I will so Anyways, that was a blast and then now I'm gonna be here in my home city of Los Angeles I will be at Flappers Fappers I'll be there it's in Burbank also known as sperm bank, California It's in the greater Los Angeles area that Friday and Saturday this week only the 22nd and 23rd of January

Come see me if you're in Los Angeles At Flappers, then I added let me see. Yes. Originally. I was coming to Salt Lake City for a night Now it's two nights four shows February 5th and 6 The great Doug Mallard will be joining me there and then where am I going? Wait? We need a Salt Lake City Oh, Shark Lake Titty. Yeah. Oh, that's good. Yeah, okay. Shark Lake titties. Why did we say that before? Yeah? Yeah, I think so good Yeah Sorry, yeah, I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry. I fucked that up

That's wise guys and then get calm end of February February I am in the city of Fartnix, Arizona Sometimes known as Phoenix, but on this show is Fartnix at stand-up live four shows February 26 and 27 nice club beautiful club, dude, they have the best food to one of the good food That's because Joel doesn't he doesn't he's like He runs that club, you know, he's a gangster so All good things man and and and as the year moves on I'm hitting me see after that Tacoma and then Cleveland and

Sacramento Yeah, I'm going to all these places and I'm adding dates and people keep asking me about big cities They will all be in the fall. All right Jeans, how was your comedy store spot? Oh my god. It was so much fun Thank you so much for the mommies for coming out you guys I heard you in full effect and I got to meet some of you. It was so so much fun I feel like a person again. I'm so happy Also, this is a real way in advance, but why not April 1st and 2nd?

Flappers Flappers comedy club and wow in April and Burbank. Okay. Yeah It's for banks. All right for bank and then one night only April 20th 420 Ventura comedy club. That's in Ventura, California. That's a really fun room. Yeah. Yeah, I haven't done it in like years Oh vape dad loves it. I did it. I did it twice in the last year So dumb and then May 27th through 28th the comedy store in Lajola, California What is that May that's way to fuck it yeah May 27th through 28th in Lajola Yeah, and then the full charge is gonna be featuring. He'll be opening. No shit

And you're gonna come down right and hang out where which one it's a Lajola. Yeah, I'll come to Lajola in Man Diego Yeah, it'll be super fun Listen to my podcast in addition to this one, of course, this is always hello the main mommy show Yeah, that's deep bro. This episode this week is on hypnotherapy in an interview The woman who helped me stop smoking nine years ago and helped me lose me here. No, we just did a Skype Read a black's her name is really amazing and that's it That's what's up. Yeah All right, you want to take a nap? Yeah

Let's go to bed Jeans up get it and your mom My friend came to the door she said well I was on the phone cooking me and my baby some breakfast and she said hey Something wrong is popping. I said why she said yeah, I said no So the girl come downstairs. She come out her problem with her baby with no shoes on I said all girls cool. I said she said something right. I said all me and she said Man, the building is on fire

No, I got my three kids and we bounced out. Oh, we're gonna be in no fire not today Don't bring anyone loving to this Welcome to your mom's house Christina Welcome to your mom's house I Like that that was like a black valley girl. She had the valley girl You know and I was all like and then she was all and I was all like nah, but it's like, you know

We're well, let's see where that was that was a let's see It's called Casa Linda Casa could be but it's not it's like is that Watch we're gonna get time to email some people. I live at Casa Linda. I love it Fuck you. It's Oklahoma. Oh, geez. Do you think we have any listeners in Oklahoma? Maybe one No, we actually do we do yeah, because I've done okay see twice and we definitely have people there. Oh nice Yeah, this was in Tulsa, Oklahoma. I've never been in Tulsa

but yeah, this woman became a A bit of a star when this this came out about a week or so ago And of course my favorite thing that happens when these videos Come up and somebody's talking like her. Let's examine This is her telling the news crew You know, she's she's on on the news doing my friend came to the door. She says I'm cooking me and my baby some breakfast. Okay, and she said hey something wrong is popping. I said why she said yeah

I said no, so the girl come downstairs. She come out her problem with her baby with no shoes on I said, oh girl, it's cold outside. She said something ain't right. I said, oh man. She said oh man The building is on fire Oh, what I got my three kids that we bounced out. Uh, uh, we're gonna be in no fire not today Not today I fucking love it. Let's make a song The building is on fire, fire The building is on fire, fire

I said no, I want to get my three kids that we bounced out, out, out I said hey, hey, we're gonna be in no fire not today Not today, not today Pretty fucking good. Yeah. Do you like? One of the things I like best about this era we live in and the internet is this remaking song Yeah, it's stupid people and then they make some stupid people things Shit's so good. It is really an under celebrated art form. It's really good. They could put this shit on tv and people Would get views like people would be watching this is a hundred times better than anything on snl right now

Yeah, you know, there's stupid fucking, you know, one note joke songs. Yeah Dick in a box. This is to me. This is a hundred times better than like dick in a box. Yeah Damn, really? I think so. You don't think dick in a box is good. Well, I think this is better because it's real I like real things You talk a lot of shit, you know, I don't go fuck talk a lot of shit. Oh shit. You don't know why you got talk so much shit I'm cranky. I haven't slept. We haven't slept in a month. That's why yeah, that's true. That is true. We have not No, um I know and the fucked up thing is this weekend. I didn't really sleep though

I had like my first, you know time away from the baby which Sucks, but then you go. Well, at least I'll sleep and then I didn't sleep really maybe it's because you had all those edible dad things Uh, oh, yeah, somebody combined the two Why did they not tell somebody? The ain't nobody got The building is on fire

Then I ran out. I didn't grab no shoes and nothing Jesus. No, what? I ran for my life. Uh-oh. We're gonna be in no fire not today Ain't nobody got time for that. Oh man. Come on. This is genius. That is art That is genius level art. Yeah, I like that. I like that. I really like that I like that. I was Garth Brooks these days. We got to check in on that guy too You think he's been making some good dad boner videos? I've I follow him on instagram. He's been pretty quiet lately. Yeah Oh By the way, speaking of some hit songs, um, I want to point out something that is

You know pretty cool dear to my heart And that is that if you saw my special mostly stories on netfrix The song that I walk out to And the song is the same song that they play as the credits role. Yeah ghost crew made that. No shit. Yeah, and I haven't really talked about it unfortunately a really

bummer thing that happened was in the credits They only credited chris Uh, who I think the production was dealing with and it was it wasn't caught in time So it was it should have been ghost crew as the credit And they credited chris and not pete because it's the two of them And so I wanted to acknowledge that of course, uh, I've uh, you know, I apologized To them that it happened, but I wanted people to know that that's a ghost crew track

That's so cool that I walk out to and I leave and they've made so many great songs for us here Oh my god on the show over the last few years. Um That I asked them to do the song for me In the special nice. Yeah, and it's your mom's house production. Isn't it? Yes So if you if you watch the special to the end That's right. Um, and that I can tell you Uh, let me see here. I think I have The guy's name who made that also

Also, um a listener of the show I will find it, but uh, and people have been asking me a lot online If I'm wearing a danny's shirt in the special and the answer is Yes Of course a danny's shirt, of course, it's a danny's shirt, of course, man by a guy named danny in asia That's the best part is that it's an indian man named. Oh, he's indian. Yeah, he's indian. What kind of accent would he have? um Well, he's like a Tom to me

It's a little peruvian. No, no, no, no, you're not. Yeah, I'm sorry. Yeah, I'm gonna give you some time to get a character You want you to to have any shirts you can get Fine if you will you get a fine suit you get a shirt you get a tie you get to put it all on You get to put this all on if you wish and we should be told all to you I have been kind very kindly. I've been in hong kong for 40 years now. Wow Wow You know when you were doing that, what did you see? It was like I was in Um in like bangalore. Is that is that an indian? Bangalore. What am I thinking of? I don't know

Bali Bali no could be deli New deli new deli bombe bombe. Yeah. Mumbai. I'm there and I'm eating Like a dirty samosa in the streets, but see what you yeah, you yogurt milk I don't know if you can pick up the nuances of what I can do but I actually did an indian man

Who over time has picked up a little bit? Of Cantonese. Oh So because what I can do is I can separate. Here's an indian guy. Here's an indian guy that lives in hong kong Wow. Yeah, see that's why that's why I was confused as to the location. Yeah, because I was like Where it's not just indian that that's why I threw out all those other places Right because I was like that's not just india here in that right. You know what your accents are like Gourmet chocolate bars now or they're they throw in like cayenne pepper or like a little bit of bacon. Yeah, you know You're all you're kind of the gourmet

Yeah version of accents. That was really good. I mean, do you are we gonna do accents right now? Well, why don't we read? I mean, I'd like to read some feedback on twitter. It's gotten a huge response Yeah, yeah, just one second one second. Sure. Get this set. Sure. All right. Yeah. I'm actually Getting the camera on this mount. Okay. I think what we should try to do is um Maybe we can video The accent portion of the show as well so that people can I think people are gonna be like, I can't believe that this guy Yeah, you know, they can see that it's not a machine doing it. Oh, yeah

I think you're gonna and people that aren't even familiar with the show They're gonna be like, how how's this guy doing all these accents and he's he's not indian Yeah, he's not korean He's not tai or dutch You know what I really like is your ability to do obscure ones like dutch or finish or estonian Right, you know what I mean the you gotta have the ear for it. Yeah, that's the thing that I as a master that I didn't realize About myself until I I ran into other people was just that you can't teach

That level of skill. No, it's just with you or it isn't Well, I'm just gonna tease a little bit on twitter what people have been saying. I Okay, I put a call out asking which one of tom segura's accents. Do you think he nailed the most? hashtag mol puesha and Uh, listen wheelchair juice At wheelchair juice says that that british accent is so native. Yeah, I know um Hold on. Here's a great one

Uh Matthew holland says I was in tears laughing so hard over his masseuse nailed it Uh, fransisco banda says bruce bruce and mike tyson Yeah, you didn't even do that on the show last week. That's in your special. So Yeah Well, I don't want you know, we'll we'll get back to it. But in the meantime, I'd like to hear more about vape dad Aka edible dad, it sounds like you had quite a week that I wasn't even aware of and then we'll set up this camera And then we can yeah, why don't you finish your uh, what are you eating right now?

What is that? It's a petite vanilla scone from starbucks barstux Do you like their I like the idea of their pastries and I never really Oh, that's not true, dude. They had that chocolate croissant last week. You got they made a they revamped their pastry line about Two years ago. Yeah huge improvement But the truth is the petite vanilla scone is a game changer and here's why It's small So you get it's portion control basically. Yeah, you're having what you should have which is a couple bites

Yeah, instead of one of these monstrous things. That's why it's good. It's good dad. Yeah is what vape dad does You know what I've noticed about like I'm super fat now since having this kid is that The diet that I'm on is just Too over over worked with the baby to eat Like it's kind of good because I don't really eat as much now And I'm kind of losing the weight just because I'm sleep deprived and no time to eat. Mm-hmm. It's a great diet the newborn diet By the way, a lot of people wanted to uh weigh in also on our fast food selections. Okay

um We're gonna find out about edible dad though. Don't think you're getting out of it. Yeah edible dad. I mean Here's what happened. Yeah, I think about mom lorado in the city of denver mom for mom for you can you know, you can always pick up That That greens the sticky stuff in any city, right? We went to one time A place to get no, I'm saying we last time we were in any city you can do that but in denver you're walking into

Recreational city. Yeah, so it's the best. Yeah, you're walking into a place Just like it's cvs. You just show your idea You verify that you're whatever age 25 or something. It took a long time for us to get our pot last time Remember we sat in that waiting room. Oh, yeah, and I was like come on because stoners are slow Yeah, and that place was busy. I walked into this place. I wish I could get a plug I don't remember the name of the place, but it's on uh wazee way wayzy wazee

w a z ee and 16th and there's a mural of a cowboy outside the building. Anyways they uh small efficient Smart they had they had their selection down And I basically go, uh, let me get a joint Let me get some edibles

Wait, but what did you go for an indica sativa max? Interesting. I went for for the joint was a hybrid Mm-hmm The edibles I had These baklava mini 10 milligram cookies that were hybrid and I also got some indica edibles No, yeah, did you try them all? No, what ended up happening was I had so that I bought it on Show day number two, right? I got there Wednesday about on thursday and then on

Thursday night we had two shows So I didn't do anything before the shows second show starts. I have one of those cookies in my pocket I start talking to somebody in the audience one of them says they're a military cop And I was like you can't bust me and I pulled out my edible aid on stage And it was perfect because I ate it about halfway through second show. Nice. Don't feel anything right away get off stage Fape dad starts chilling right sure and it was mild enough where it was like a nice buzz, but it wasn't like Myself

Wait, this is the the mix a hybrid. Yeah, and it was but I'm saying the dosage It was the key is like for me Yeah, there's a low enough dosage where you enjoy it and you're not in a full panic Yeah, I I agree hybrids don't put me in a panic sativa. I try to get the exactly I'm like that too So I try to stick to indica or hybrids and if it's an edible I do low dosage man Low is the key. That's the key. Yeah, you have that joey Diaz lifestyle. No, dude. Nobody can He's doing like is 125 milligram star Okay, like a doctor. Yeah. No, he's crazy with that of his fucking mind

But he's also he metabolizes it differently. He's a bit larger than and I talked to a doctor about it once a medical marijuana doctor not the joey Diaz doctor. No a different one and She explained to me that it's it's a tolerance much like everything else. Yeah that you can build up You have your natural ability to process it and then you can build it up the same way you could with alcohol or anything else So, you know, his tolerance level built up over many many years and Relentless usage you have to understand that he does not Deviate from that very far. No is what makes it so that he can just handle so much more I like I like you characterizing his use as relentless. It's that's a really good not addicted

It's unbelievable too different He goes so deep so often and the other thing that he does is very casually We'll add 100 milligram edible to A high that's already kicking in other words. He takes it Let's multiply this times 10 in the middle of it like it's nothing Sure, you know, if I took an extra 100 milligrams the way he did without a doubt I would be in a hospital without a doubt for sure

But can they do anything for you when you're too high on thc? Like uh, they they would bring they put you they would try to sedate you because you put you down Yeah, like val they could volume xanax. They would they would counter the effect because you're actually up very high So I went to college with a kid that had a Massive panic attack and he went to the hospital and they just sedated him And they just relaxed and he went chill. Yeah. Oh my god There's so many times I've wanted to go to the hospital. I've I've felt like it But I really think the key is

And by the way, if you're new to the game and you want to try it they even at least in the colorado shops sell five milligram edibles, which is really A great introductory level you dip your toe in I think I'd like to start there because I'm not I don't like edibles because I feel like I can't really control I understand that and I think that I think the whole key to that is is starting with low doses Because the other thing I don't I'm not really a big fan of You know smoking I don't really like I like to smoke the pot because I know how much I take in I can get kind of gauge

Well vape that I got a vaporizer. So I might you know, that's gonna be a whole different game for you You know what I realized when you're tired What makes you look more tired is like I squint my face. Yeah, I'm always furrowing my brow Yeah, that makes you look even worse go to the plastic surgeon. We watched last night. Oh my god. I was gonna bring that show up too It's like, uh It's celebrity Plastic surgeons of Beverly Hills. Beverly is such a dumb time. Where did that air because we saw I'm doing it again. I'm squinting. I have to relax my I need it. How's that? Is it relaxed now?

Yeah, that looks really good when you go. Oh, I have to like stretch it out. Okay there. Um, Yeah, that show was retarded. Yeah, but it was good. It was like good retarded. It's on Netflix right now Yeah, you can watch multiple episodes into one of the guys is absolutely Out of his mind, but back to being vape dad. I just feel like I like to vape a little. I mean, I think I feel like I like vape more than smoke You know smoke. I don't know, but I definitely like I like being alone chilling with

A mild dosage that I've eaten And just being in my thoughts, you know Writing some wild now wild and I just feel like Kind of chilling, you know, yeah, I I'm a an anti social pot smoker as well. I like to vision quest I like to get in there figure out what's wrong with me pacing in the dark in the dark Yeah, I used to pace in the dark. I paced when I got back to the to the in the dark No lights were on okay, but I find that I it's hard for me to just settle on one thing when I'm like that So yeah, even if I'm watching something I get up and I just start

Going from one end of the Broom to the other, you know, just I'm pacing and thinking and you're just but you're like thinking your dog thoughts. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah No, and I'm enjoying it. It's a good dog. Oh, do you do you figure out your life problems? Are you just absolutely? Yeah, yeah, I do that too. I use that hole You can't shelve the thing that you you've been shelving too. Yeah, that's why it's good because it reaches into your unconscious It's like it breaks down all the ego shit and you get to the heart of darkness quicker with pot I like that Yeah, can you play that guy laughing again? I like that guy cut

We were watching 60 minutes last night and Sean Penn was on there talking about interviewing El Chapo And the whole time I kept thinking that's Spicoli. Yeah, like that was the best role that guy ever in my opinion He not only does all the serious stuff, but Spicoli come on. He is so out of his mind El Chapo, yeah Anyways, I like that he brought up how his feelings And he feels complicit in in in this in the drug war and and that is fucking mine I think he has a little inflated sense of his importance in the world. Oh my god. Go back to play and make believe playing retarded people

Does he play a retarded person? He did the retard. Yeah, he did. I am Sam didn't he? He did super read he went full retard. That's what that that's what that speech is about That speech is about him full retard. Let's see in bag Full retard He went full retard This is him Who said retard Okay, what do what do you mean to be more wrong to be moronical

An imbecile But what do you mean? That's him doing I am Sam. I mean, let's see if we can could you Tom if you get more famous, sir, yeah, and they offer you a retard role You know, you're gonna get an award for it. That's why they all do it. Yeah Are you gonna take the retard leonardo the capricock did it? Yeah, of course shun pen We're a good sturdy school shoes. That's him But arches are very important. No, no sturdy is boring sam these shoes

Light up. Okay. Oh my god. That's an actual shoes for school I know Do you think that the guy who's in the scene with him that has down syndrome Is watching shun pen like could you dial it back a little bit? No, because that guy The guy with downs seemed way more believable. Oh, there's a guy with down syndrome in this scene I didn't know that I thought he was a normal and then no, no, there's a guy with down syndrome and then shun pen goes To the shoes and I think that that guy was like, well, this guy's really fucking right Could you not overdo it? Yeah, it's a little embarrassing. It really is a little embarrassing. So here I'll let you you want to see it

You can you can see does he make his face all weird, too But our kids are very important. No no sturdy is boring. See this guy's gonna tell me these shoes. Oh, yeah Light up. Yeah, that guy's normal be the be the really good shoes for school Yeah, he overdoses He's overdoing it. They they look like they shoes that you're right Dorothy. Yeah, he over kills it That's that whole speech. Yeah. Yeah directed by victor fleming these a pink normal And that's the guy with down syndrome who's doing it Well, even that movie the ringer with johnny noxville

Yeah, there's a lot of kids in that movie that have downs syndrome and not nobody none of them talk like shun pen Yeah, like no, like they're not like that Yeah, they're just more like it. Wait, can you do a retarded accent? Yeah, of course Exactly, you know When I was doing jack that I actually felt Stop I mean it brushed my teeth retarded Little bust retarded in a weird way

I had to sort of just free myself up to believe that it was okay to be stupid or dumb to be moron Yeah, to be moronic Exactly to be a moron an imbecile. Yeah, like the dumbest motherfucker that ever lived When I was playing the character when you yeah, I mean as jack definitely jack Stupid ass jack trying to come back from that in a weird way. It was almost like I had to Sort of fool my mind into believing that it wasn't retarded and by the end of the whole thing I was like, wait a minute, you know, I flushed so much out Wait, what movie is it?

laughing your ass off But simple jack thought he was smart or rather didn't think it was retarded So he can't afford to play retarded being a smart actor playing a guy who ain't smart but thinks he is that's tricky Is that working with mercury? It's high science man. It's odd for yeah, you and artist. That's what we do, right? Yeah, yeah That's all for going in especially know not to cat me is about that shit About what see so right Now he's gonna explain to him. Wait, what movie is this? This is from Tropic Thunder. That's right

So now this is Robert Danny jr. Who's in full fucking black makeup as a black guy Telling about ben stiller about who played simple jack Which is basically I am sam so they're making fun of that but then he just Talked him about playing retarded and then he goes hats off to you especially knowing How the academy is about that and then stillers characters like wait, what do you mean? You're serious. You don't know Everybody knows you never go full retard

What do you mean? Check it out Dustin Hoffman Ray man loop retarded app retarded not retarded cat two picks cheetah cards artistic show not retarded Yeah, time to hang it's a force gun. Oh, yes retarded. Maybe he braces on his lips But he chomped the pants off next to anyone a ping pong competition. That ain't retarded

Goddamn war hero. You know any retarded war heroes? You and full retard man Never go full retard You don't buy that at shampan 2001. I am sam remember went full retard went home Christ Yeah, shampan went full retard Yeah, it's overdone. Yeah

It's overkill It's pretty crazy. You're right. Cause the guy in that scene with down syndrome is like normal. He's like, yeah, they shoes light up You know, he says it a little goofy, but not as goofy Not as goofy. No, that was hilarious. Do you think shampan? Watches that movie and is just like I'm so embarrassed. No, I don't think he's embarrassed. Never he does. No, never. No Look, he is a tremendous actor. Yeah, that guy is is as like as good as a guy and he's handsome is all get out Really? I think he's really handsome. Really? You don't think I love blue-eyed dark-haired

I was just looking at him last night in that interview and I was like, what in like it? I never thought Traditional or handsome. I thought what a kind of awkward looking face he has Yeah, I like it I know but I'd sit on his face Jesus what? I like this is a retard go for it. Really? So you find him attractive only as a retarded person No, only if he does that but you really find him attractive. Yeah last night. He looked good. I was like, fuck How old is he? You don't think he has a weird shape face. I like weird. I like him. I like Vincent Gallo

This isn't a weird face I do not have a weird face. You've been getting um fan mail from a lot of bears I've been getting man mail not fan mail. Oh, sorry. Yeah, just had to let you know how cute you are I One guy on instagram tagged me, you know and something about how cute I am Yeah, and then I went to his page on instagram and it's just him. He's pretty pretty big shirtless in his underwear Like all his pictures Do you think if I put the call out for someone to eat your asshole now it would be different stories since it's second special

Let's not do that I was offered over the weekend uh via twitter It was a lady And she said me and my boyfriend would love to eat your butthole both of them. I know Wow I was like wow, did you check him out? Did you at least do your due diligence and look at their profile pictures and kind of assess the situation? I did not Yeah, but I I think I favored it. I did not I really didn't even look at their pictures

I did not see if you would be interested in such no because I I just saw it and I just wanted I wanted to acknowledge How gracious it is to say such a thing. So it was just an immediate favorite. I just immediately thank you heart that It's my way of saying it's probably not going to happen. I don't think we can set it up this week But I want you to know that thank you this week. Yeah, okay. Well, you know, I want to have more time. Yeah Yeah, so yeah, there's a lot of butthole offers On the table. Well, I mean if there's any good that comes out of the second special It's that you're getting a lot of butthole licking offers. Yes That is that is the upside and by the way speaking of

Buttholes, I want to play this for you. Sure over the week um It came out last week. Donald trump released his official song From the campaign. Oh Oh um This is called the official

Donald trump jam. Okay This is approved. This is by him. This is his campaign song. This is real He's such a wanker. This is real. I repeat This is real ready real donald trump. Here you go For real And to the call on your feet stand up tall freedoms on our shoulders Enemies of freedom Face the music. Come on boys. Take them down

President donald trump knows how to make america great deal from strength or get crushed every time Doesn't it kind of remind you of north korea? Yeah, I was gonna say when you see the footage of kim jong-il or kim il-sung or With uh kim jong-un. Yeah. Yeah the the use of small children to sing propaganda The russians did it and I I think the nazis did it too and it's also like we will smash you And stop taking away our liver like all that like kind of dumb Yeah, hitler did the same thing hitler youth. Yeah, uh-huh. This is real check it out Oh, wow, he's got his own hitler youth

I think he really didn't know how this was gonna go when he jumped in and since he is He has created he has done something as far as getting crazy Attention and and people are backing him That I think now he's like, oh I have a shot at this. So now he's he's going full force. Well because that thing is like an idiocracy joke Yeah, I mean that's almost as bad as president kamacho shooting off

Rifles in the air machine. It is pretty crazy. He's got children Singing and dancing in american flag outfits Yeah, it looks like a joke and the people behind the children in the in the audience are clapping like it's a real Awesome show they're watching like you guys know how fucking crazy this is, right? Yeah. Yeah, it's total propaganda It's and it's also like a harkins like you said to the The communists. Yeah, well, I don't know why he would do that song when he has another song Is the new china by the way, it's china to me me me me me me China I like this so much

China China I know china very well Now it's a good song. How many photos of him do you think he has in his house? He is one of those people who have shrines to himself. I know paintings photos. Oh Yeah, he's a total narcissist If he wins it's over for us. We're done. You think so I think it's idiocracy. It's we're totally done I didn't think he had a chance and then recently I do think he has a chance. It's terrifying It's really it's terrifying how stupid this country is now because of him. Absolutely. Yeah, it's really really terrifying

He's a dumb man. He's a very dumb man, you know No, whatever. What can we do? I mean I'm gonna move to canada No, there's not much you can do. I'm canadian. You know that we're doing it There you go, trump Hey, you know, I was watching that we were watching at Beverly Hills cosmetic surgery doctors yesterday Yeah, do you know that you stay awake for a lipo section? Looks fucking nuts. Everything we saw in that show looked Horrible to do to yourself. Yeah horrible. Yeah. Yeah

Even getting eyebrows eyebrow hair replaced looks horrifying Did I don't know if you saw her when she comes back the next day? Like they put hair on her eyebrows and she comes back and it's all bloody and gross She's like, yeah, the swelling's going down. I I never thought by the way. I never thought That I mean, I know you fleekify yours. Yeah, so but that's about shaping what's there I never thought that somebody would go. I need more hair. I guess that happens, right? It falls out Yeah, I mean, I don't have much hair on the ends of mine It's just like not natural

Do you think she looked better though with by getting them on what I'm saying is that I only saw the next day The next day was bloody and terrifying But is it better to have I guess I guess I get yeah because it makes you look younger to have more hair there It's so funny, right? Because your eyebrows are small detail eyebrows and then dudes get crazy bushy ones as they get older Oh, yeah Well, they frame your face if your eyebrows are wack your whole shits on you know, not on fleek. It's unfleekable. Yeah You gotta you gotta fucking do that. You gotta fucking fucking do that. Speaking of fleekifying Uh, also, I just wanted to give a huge thanks

to everybody that has messaged me twitter facebook on website He sounded retarded for a minute Thank you for all your messages regarding mostly stories, which is on netflix It's the news special and Everybody has been very kind as always the

most um liked review for me On netflix has to do with jeans of course like they did with the best part normal. So it's pretty funny I can read Let me see if I can pull it up. Those are the It's so ridiculous. The best is when we just talk about a video on our show and then And then it goes the comments are all jeans and jeans up and high and tight and hilarious. Yeah, it's really funny Okay, here we go. So for completely normal the first special here are

The top reviews. Hey Hitler. Tom Segura provides a level of height and tightness with his jeans That most most other comics just can't wipe down I love it. Then the next highest reviewed comment for that special is honestly I was a little disappointed that through the narrative of this program It is never revealed to the viewer where the dude's at however This mommy has got some high and tight denim. So that is That's uh

From from that one Where the dude's at Let's see For this one the new one that just came out. Here are the top the top The top rated comments What a great special my jeans were so in high and tight After this one that I had to have them surgically removed so that I could breathe again

Tom's a great comedian. I laughed very much. Okay. The next one. Awesome. Classic. Segura at his finest bikes Love this guy So crass and unapologetic So very much tips of the hat to the podcast and if you don't know There is an entire Bit on the show dedicated just to

So you can check it out. It's on netfrix now And of course our buddy, uh, tony hinchcliffe. He just had his added as well. It's great. It's called one shot So make sure you check that out for him as well um What's up jeans? Are you pulling something up? I'm trying to look up I wonder if anybody wrote in explaining why alcoholics don't need to sleep. Oh, I thought we could just call burt here Yeah, oh, here we go. Um this woman kayla writes in mommy's I have found during my own bouts of alcoholism in the past

That my inability to sleep for longer than two to three hours at a time was caused by By simply being asleep and not consuming alcohol for those two to three hours My body would literally be in withdrawal demanding more alcohol and that would wake me up So that's wow. So it's basically the crave Yeah, it's not being drunk. Right That makes sense I mean, that's I'm sorry. I mean the laugh. No, no because you're basically, you know, you're polluting your body, right? You're being toxic to your body

Then the the toxic stuff leaves and your body doesn't know how to process that Yeah, and it wakes up probably because it's going through withdrawal and it's like, whoa, where's the poison? So that's probably why burt doesn't need to sleep so much Burt never sleeps He can he can get by on very little Yeah, I will a lot of alcoholics. Yeah, that's what they do So we were talking about last week about

A fast food particularly we're talking about how great Everything is at mcdonald's and somebody wrote in Phil wrote I have some inside information about the fountain drinks at your favorite restaurants. Oh, okay McDonald's is all about quality control. They get their fountain drinks calibrated on a weekly basis most of the time at the very least once a month I worked at the number of the eateries and high-end silly sit-down places None of which were proactive about their soda calibration We usually wait until someone complains, which is usually three to six months

If you want any other restaurant related issues, let me know So basically it's basically that McDonald's stays on top of calibrating and that's why there's taste well where other ones go to shit and you're like, oh You're tasting terrible. I mean how stupid is the rest of the fast food industry then? Then you just keep an eye on your on your stuff. Yeah, I agree. I mean I would actually say that the better restaurants have far worse soda, you know

so that's just That's just a I don't know an observation if you will Well, that's cool, then yeah, and I'm what about you said other people wrote in with their their Vote for which restaurant they would dine at Did you say that? uh The people write in saying what they would eat. Let me uh, yeah So last week we asked the question between the two of us

Oh, if you had to pick a fast food restaurant to eat at every day And that's all you could eat. Which one would you would you choose? And I think I chose chipitoplae And what did you choose mecha de naldis? Yeah, I think I have to do mecha de naldis because That is I think Even as they have the reputation for being so You know Bad for you. They also have that variety, you know

So yes, um Well Hold on. I was just writing something. Yeah, I agree. It's uh But I I like the taste of mcdonald because we just had chipotle Last week and I was not like first of all, I ordered a bereet. I gotta tell you I felt kind of gross effort So to die And the bereet was 10 pounds literally as heavy as our newborn and it was fucking gross It was just packed with too much crap

And I didn't I didn't really dig it that much because chipotle is not real mexican. It's like southwesterny mexican. It is Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's shitty kind. I don't like that kind. Um, a guy wrote in about how he thinks That arby's is by far the best place. Oh, get your life Um, you're crazy. Yeah, so I don't know man. It's hard. He's full retard. You think so Arby's is the best All they have is that loose meat sandwich. That's all the other meat sandwich And that's the fries. Yeah He's crazy. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, well, what's his argument? Does he say why he just says that?

Uh Arby's hands down has the best sandwiches. I could eat them shits Three to four times a day. No problem for a month. Oh Yeah, but you'll definitely die Yeah, wonder is is the meat quality good though because I I get that if it's really good quality meat Yeah, but I doubt it is because don't they advertise like two Pussy meat sliders for a dollar or whatever they're called

Uh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I can't be that great. It can't be great great quality. I agree I agree. There's there's no way that you can Survive eating that a few times now. What's the most inferior of all the fast food? Well, um, I know the answer already Oh, I think I know what it is. What do you think del taco? Yes, that is the bottom of the barrel You know who gets really pissed about that everyone in california when we say I know love it man I fucking hate I I think you're a traitor if you like del taco over taco bell taco bell to me is the best By the way, is the alcohol one you read is that from brian? No, it's from cala. That's who's at the alcohol one

So would you want me to read brian? Yeah, yeah, let's see Um, okay, he says I found that alcohol can really affect the quality and length of sleep Especially once you reach a certain age from what I've read going to bed hammered provides you from getting good REM sleep You can't get that you're not getting real rest. It's one of the reasons you feel like garbage the next day um Once you get dependent on falling asleep drunk, it's a real pain in the ass to try sleeping sober near impossible Rewriting how to sleep is super fun. Um I got a bit of experience with it. Usually on a week night. I'll have eight to ten drinks

Oh So bad, I didn't have to work the next day Double that or more. Holy shit. My drink of choice was buccardian pepsi I know I had to switch to diet pepsi after a while because the cow Basically a two liter every other day My beer of choice was steel reserve goes down harsh The metallic aftertaste Jesus What a piece of shit like me deserve to drink

Oh My god, I kept up like this for about a decade My boss was about to shit come my ass for constantly being hung over and having a terrible attitude I saw the writing on the wall called my company's h.r. Rep. He got me in treatment. I hung out there for about a week Um, but once I discovered it was a jesus called called I bailed still haven't drank since And gave up cigarettes at the same time. Oh, wow and that was in march of 2012 um If I listened to too much rogan or dunk in her aria, I'll eat mushrooms

Occasional pot too but that's it quitting booze and smoking did not make my life any happier But I think it's easier for other people to deal with me. I still think about killing myself Every single jesus man The way I delay that is buying tickets to comedy shows. Oh man He's seeing uh dj dug dug pound this weekend And hard week in a few weeks. I've seen both of you together for podcasts at cobs and individually Well, thanks a lot brian genes up to you Um

Thanks for the information. I'm glad that you're sober And not smoking And I hope you uh, I hope you live a long time. Please don't kill yourself when you get sober. I don't know I doesn't seem like those people are any happier. You know, like sometimes they are though, right? No, like my dad At least my watching my dad not drink. It's horrible. Like I wish he kind of would drink you say that a lot every time you're with him You're like, I wish he was drinking right now. He's miserable. Yeah, because he's so much better when he's drinking. Yeah

For him. Anyway, I know it's not good for his health, right, but attitude wise. It's way easier to do Yeah, like he just he's just bummed that he's not drunk, you know, we're not drinking. Yeah, I never um I guess I've never picked up on that from him, but maybe he's just like Being different to me. He's a great Uh drinker like he's so much fun when he drinks. Oh, I've hung out with him. I'm saying that when he's not drunk He's never been difficult. Oh with you. No. Well, you have to be his kid. You know, how it is. Yeah, of course You're alone with your parents. Of course. Yeah Yeah, yeah, they only they only give you the good stuff you get like the sign-in law treatment. Yeah. Yeah

Still a different sign-in law treatment. Yeah. Yeah, it is different the jokes. Yeah Well, that's that's uh interesting to know Yeah pretty wild It sucks that that they can't I mean Brian was really drinking You know, but Cardi is gnarly and then Pepsi with it There's so much sugar in your body and alcoholics generally don't eat Uh either you just you're just fully poisoning yourself with booze. My favorite is when um alcoholics like on intervention

We'll drink like nail polish remover or listering. Oh my god. Oh, oh stop Just stop just quit Please don't drink that stuff. Yeah, please. Oh my god. Stop. Stop it Stop hurting yourself, please a song about About teeth and brushing uh, that's what this is marked as this came in from a listener Let's see who he he she is. She nicky. Nicky said this is about brushing That's right to the point, huh? I like it. She's not fucking around. That's lady Lashore Uh a British rapper

Well, I don't really like her message her message is right on point She should be guessing her mom's house. And I so understand dad mouth now I know we talked about it, but It was like today. Yeah when you you hollered at me. Yeah, you take him I got to go. I don't know you had a pee or something peed on me a few times Right, and then I go, okay, and then I realized I had to brush my teeth like It it's a pro I'm going to pick him up But I should brush my teeth first because I just got up no time

No, I held them and then I brushed my teeth, but that could easily be I can see how somebody would just be like. Oh, yeah, I got to go And then you're running around with your stank mouth, which is disgusting I didn't brush my teeth until you know 12 30 today really well because I was with the kid Yeah, and it's how am I supposed to take a newborn in the bathroom and oh my Jesus. No. Yeah, man doesn't work man Remember that girl last night on the Beverly Hills cosmetic dentistry show. Oh my god. She goes She's a total denial It was the ex-girl the ex-wife of quarry feldman and she goes I used I was a playboy playmate

I had really nice teeth and then you know life happened life Yeah, and by life you mean a crystal meth addiction like she didn't even acknowledge that she'd done massive amounts of drugs Well, then she said life happens and then you know Drugs and stuff and she's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, that's not life happening. No, that's drugs. Yeah Her teeth really turned to shit. Oh, and the doctor joked about it. I was super he goes Like after he fixed him. He's like, here's your photo of your of your teeth before the the surgery He's like, here you are homeless. She was like And then he showed her her new teeth and then he goes, yeah, again, let me show you here. Here's your park bench teeth

I couldn't believe it that she was like, yeah, they are well, they showed him pulling out the dead ones Oh my god, because he's like, yeah drugs ruin these I'm gonna pull this one out and this like she'd almost all of them pulled They looked really horrible. Dude meth really fucks your they didn't say meth, right? They didn't actually say meth I don't remember. No, it is. I don't remember. Yeah, but yeah, meth is what does that Because it's made from like battery acid and shit I noticed that the evil emperor in star wars. We were rewatching the original trilogy. Yeah, really bad teeth All that hatred and evil is bad for your mouth I didn't I didn't check out his choppers. I will you really get to see them in return of the jedi when he's like

You know, and you see his Embrace the hatred. Yeah, he really enunciates his words. Yeah He has rotten dark teeth. They're disgusting. Yeah But he's so full of hatred but he's he was the dark side of the force. You don't get good teeth. Like well, I think that they actually Fell apart with all the hatred. Yeah, but obi-wan has really good teeth And luke does what do you think yoda's mouth smells like? What do you think vaders mouth smells like under that mask? He never is brushed Never never he doesn't brush his teeth probably in 30 years since he brushes teeth

Well, he's all rotten and stuff like you got all burned and stuff And I don't think he has teeth. He had teeth. How does he masturbate because they take the mask off at the end? How does he fart any masturbating? How does he shit? They all these unaddressed questions are why it's not a great film It's not a great trilogy because remember how he saw him become Darth Vader. Like he's all fucked up under that stuff And the sith one return of the sith he's missing like a leg and arm Yes, his dick got cut off And his beeholes probably not working right and then the evil emperor is like he's alive Yeah, yeah, that's a cool movie. I like that one a lot. Yeah, it's very good

Yeah, I have a dentist appointment in february Yeah, cleaning they're gonna yell at me because I have not been brushing as much for sure I'm gonna get I'm gonna get a talking to Guess what else is coming up in a couple weeks? What's that? Uh, my six month Appointment Actually in a week wait, yeah, I'm gonna get my badge looked at jeans We're gonna see if we can resume You know marital stuff marital time. Are you excited? Yeah, of course

Yeah, I'm so afraid of it being like a total loose meat sandwich down there, you know loose meat sandwich What do you think I think it's gonna be look you saw what happened down there You tell me what you think what's your prediction on this? I saw some shit, but it was um I think it's gonna I think everything's gonna be fine. I really do well my browns are coming out You don't know this but I slipped the doctor an extra scene out To for an extra stitch

You did. Yeah, that's why it's taking longer to heal up. I was like, no, no, no Like this is a snug spot. So my god I'm nervous. I hope it it feels okay Mm-hmm, but you know, yeah, no, I know knows. I know Um, let's see if I can master this one Nice Taking a shit Here's the emperor

The Death Star will be completed on schedule You've done well lord Vader You've done well lord Vader since you wish to continue your search for young skywalker I love the way he says that Continue your sets for young skywalker. Wow. So you did that. It's because of the ear. It's the ear Yeah, it was just like watching the movie again skywalker Wow

That was really good Yes, my master Patience my friend Patience my friend Wow And when he dies you must bring him before me He has grown strong Only together can we turn him to the dark side of the force

It docks Dork sided Dork sided I'm dork sided That's so good. Tom. You're really good. I know How many stand-up comedians have star wars to thank for their Chewbacca impressions and their Darth Vader impressions since 1970 Do you think they uh, was there a lot of Vader? Oh my god, every comic in the 80s had a Darth Vader

Oh, they do the breathing because it's easy with a microphone Look, I'm your father With a microphone you can really do Yeah, that's super cool The Chewie thing was really over done Oh my god, everybody did that Is that going to be in your next special, do you think? Darth Vader and your Chewbacca?

I think Chewie, Arnold, and yeah Nobody's done Arnold What's that one? What's that? That's Arnold's screaming. I've seen so many Arnold's screaming impressions Could you do that again? You think I'm joking? Wow, wow, I thought Arnold Schwarzenegger was in the studio just now

Yeah Could you say something like Arnold's? Would you do an impression please? Okay, hold on, here's, oh this is perfect This is every Arnold's scream from every Arnold movie Listen, seriously That's going in This is so similar

So similar It's just you screaming We cool Wait, I have the bit though What do you think the stand up comedian joke is for it? For this one? I know it What does Arnold sound like when he comes?

Yes, I was just going to say that But when he comes he's like He nailed it That's the joke That's the joke, there he is grinding one out alone Here he is Yeah, his scream is ridiculous It doesn't sound like a person

It sounds fake It sounds like a retard A retarded? Retard Coach Ice Harris has been listening to YMH There's no way To see For those of you that don't know

Coach Harris is the guy in the opening Of our show In the show open This shit is big time This shit should be This shit is big time Coach Ice Harris Coach Ice Harris was a high school football coach in Miami

He was at Miami Northwestern He eventually went over to Booker T And then He has since been at University of Miami He's the running backs coach there Don't they teach second dicks at University of Miami What?

At 13 No This is what we talked about The curriculum is like second dicks University of Miami To suck dicks? At like 13, 12 years old That's just being in Miami

Not the university I thought you could enroll for a formal curriculum And when you just live in Miami You start jacking and sucking In like third grade That's what the old manager of the Miami improv told me He was like, yeah, he goes I was getting blow jobs

He goes, he has real sexual That is really, really troubling, man He said it was absolute You were a late bloomer if you hadn't been blown by fifth grade Wow, well Miami's hyper sexual That's what he's saying If you look at the towels they sell in the stores by the beach It's because it's Latin America

It's that influence It's one particular Latin American coach Puerto Rico My favorite kind How about Chidubon? I love them With a bang to the bone Let's see if Coach Isaris is still

I haven't heard him miked up since High school, let's see how he is in college Every ball, every drill that we do Pretty much, much for the day There's always going to be ball security in there That's the number one thing Making sure we got great, great ball security In the drill

Now, we want a balance on this drill right here We got a two step We got a two step balance In the hole under control Now him not cursing Is really disappointing to me I don't like him in control I want him absolutely losing his mind up here

When I break down When I get the last other one Through the back Back up something They're going to run through you Right there, let's go Rip through, rip through No falling, run it through people

Get angry Too high Finish it, finish it, under control Joel, make sure I got Great balance, under control Eyes up, under control Under control, I can't run him over I can't run him over

This is horrible Under control, under control Joel, you're under control I wanted to tell somebody to fuck off That was very disappointing Don't send me shit like that Making me do QC before I play it Well I guess we've learned that

Coach Isis is not on fleek anymore Well maybe They just didn't have the camera rolling when they should have That's what I think So Let's see We got plenty of You know

I was noticing you read some copy before And you read it wrong I did? And I didn't want to say anything in the moment Oh okay Well you said Valentine's Day And that's totally a mispronunciation It's Valentine's Day Oh yeah, that's my bad

Maybe there's a typo in the copy Maybe there is Are we going to celebrate Valentine's? Valentine's Day Maybe it's time for us to finally get into What I'm known for Oh great, okay What do you think?

Wow I can't believe you had that made Yeah Well it's like I mean I'm so good at it I figured it kind of deserves its own You know Yeah

The feedback has been tremendous In terms of your talent So let me read some other Twitter compliments I tweeted out which one Do people like the best? My framed up here? Good

John Carson 64 says definitely the cockney English Need to learn some rhyming slang now Tom Titt equals shit Gypsy Kiss equals piss That is Okay

The Asian accents They love that They think your English is the best We need to hear a Jamaican accent Oh yeah Have you been working on that? I don't have to Improv

The king of improv I am the king of improv If you don't mind my saying so I don't mind Let's hear it Jamaican It's basically I feel like pick your poison

Whatever you want to hear Then we can do that Go ahead Run things rude boy Wow Easy That's really good Wow

That was actually really good They like your Thai one Boombaklad Big up Big up Your Australian was Spot on I thought you were filming

Cockadile Dundee Yeah Cockadile Dundee That's not a noif That's a noif That's a classic line Really good Cockadile Dundee 2 or 3

A lot of people complimented you on your Thai accent Why do you think that is? It's just authentic They all are I hear it It goes around And then it comes out But the Thai one

You're always at the Thai massage place It's just where I'm used to hearing it Can you give them a little bit more That you've been working on? I like your face Let's see your face too Ta ta You want more pressure?

More pressure Ta ta More pressure Like that That was really good Ready for this? We like More pressure

Ranting rude girl Boombaklad Push as hard as you can So then That's the Jamaican guy He's getting a massage from the Thai girl That was really good And that's how I just

I can pull from different You know Storylines and they come together And that's what's so enjoyable What I really like about you and we did this top of the show Is that you can combine these obscure regions Like you said you did Indian With a touch of someone that's lived in Hong Kong

Right, so like I have to get Killed for So Indian How do you get into character I just take my So I take myself There

I visualize the region Or the person that I'm hearing And then They just come to life I don't know it's just like one of those gifts It's like you're a master of accents It's just something that happens You're like the king of accents

I think they don't incorporate this into your stand up Now like kind of like You know how like Russell Peters does Talks about the races But I'm saying like that's his land I don't want you to step on what he does I'm not going to take what he does yet But maybe like you could do everybody's accents

Call it out Where are you from That's a good idea I'm an Indian guy But I live in Hong Kong So go ahead Very kindly Would you like to take another shirt with you

Maybe a tie This is very nice It's a very nice jacket Very nice pants and you could pair them together Whatever you want That was so good that a phone call came through the computer How did it get through there I don't know I think there's some update that I ran

And now this is synced up It's very annoying I just want to say that was really good accent work Yeah I saw that gesture Why are you making fun of perfection No it was really good It was really good

Let's try to do the more obscure European Like let's start with A Danish Can you do like a Danish accent A Danish accent Now the reason I left this country in the first place I'll tell you in a word Morgan bloody Thatcher

That's why That's English Morgan bloody Thatcher Morgan bloody Thatcher That was really good What region are you from That is That is

Like a more Southwestern If you have the ear You can hear that that's Southwestern Morgan bloody Thatcher Southwestern London England London England Southwestern part though

Of the city Like in the southeast it's different Like Amy Winehouse kind of had that Me Blake Yeah Wow I'm telling you right to Covent Garden I feel like we're there Yeah I mean I can break

You know I can do different You know British accents But you wanted to hear more obscure I'd like to hear your more obscure work Your Danish, your Estonian Your Finnish Okay yeah no problem man No problem

Okay Now For a comparison Sure I will Compare it to The Danish person speaking So

Here is I'm Kelly Louise Giljoy and I'm in the middle of a big project Right now and I'm so tired So We're doing the accent tag And uh This bitch is not who I thought she was Hold on one second

We're waiting I know I just thought that I could Hey guys I'm gonna do So yeah She's with me now Yeah so she's with me now Oh oh As you showed before

As you showed before So I'm gonna answer other Christians Would you like to come to Sometimes I get thrown by how Accurate it is and I laugh I'll say something And I'll think I've become another person And then that'll make me laugh

Oh hey guys That's good That's really good So it's just like it's perfect She's gonna too Because she is here You hear it? You hear it? Yeah it's identical

Toilet paper on a house Toilet paper on a house Toilet paper on a house That was good It's kind of a German accent This sounds similar Similar Similar

See they're laughing at how good it is Yeah no What about Hungarian? You've heard that enough Yeah There you go Yeah Oh It's good, it's nice

No you don't need all that Baby's fine That's good Yeah that's perfect No they don't need crib, you don't need blankets You put the baby in the drawer Put baby on the It's fine

Dog bed is fine It's good That's good What about Pashtun Yeah That's another one that you work on I know in your spare time Pashtun

I don't remember From your time in Afghanistan I know you spent time with tribes The way Steven Segal spends time Training with the martial arts You spent time with some Pashtun tribes people I remember you said that a few years ago

And you picked up their dialect as well Yeah Let's see Okay here we go Here we go Here's an Afghan Just so we get the Nice to you

It's perfect Nice to you Nice to you Nice to you I think you want full retard on this Dial back retard More Pashtun

I like here I like America I like Coca Cola Wow I like Television

I like Nice smell Candle Okay What do you think? It's really good Nice to you Nice to see you

Nice to see you Nice to see you That was really good Tom So you know I feel like I don't really feel like there's any accent I can't do No

Ew it's on What's that? That's welcome to Philadelphia Oh yeah I heard Brooklyn I thought maybe a little Williamsburg in there Not even a little bit But you don't have the gift

You don't have the gift How's your retarded? I did a little bit earlier I can do What should he be doing? Sean Penn full retard Ordering at McDonald's Okay

Here we go How retarded Full retard Sean Penn in that movie retard Ordering at McDonald's Okay Easy to do Maria face to start That's your sister's face

I want a punch fight I want a McFlurry I want I want a different McFlurry I don't want to mix the taste up I want all your McFlurry I want to make I like M&M's

What do you think? That was really good I want a Coca Cola Hey do Maria face For the audience so people can see Oh my god Like Dirty and disgusting

Perfect Dirty and disgusting That was really good work Tom I think for our audience Even though you're obviously not Seasoned Do you want to try an accent or two So that they can hear you?

Sure why don't you go ahead What do you want me to Why don't you try A Australian accent Oh perfect Um Good day mate

I'm going to order filet fish From McDonald's Come to Ayers Rock Mate Do you like To swim mate Bondi beach Bondi beach

And then live How about Irish Oh that's easy Everybody can do an Irish accent What Wait I have to hear it first You know Irish come on I forget it isn't it like this

Yeah that's better I made a bit of a cashews I've got Five thumbs up my ass Is that what it is Rapton sheep's wool Okay I mean I ordered from Starbucks

Oh it's like the cranberries girl She was from Ireland right Oh and Shirley Mansons from Ireland You're doing it But I'm much better at it than you are No Yeah Way better at it than you are

Oh there you go like that Boners from Ireland I'm a leprechaun From U2 Yeah they're all from there Yeah well I just did it so French Oh French

Yeah Oh there you go I put my hands To my face I drink I don't know Mange mange mange Mange mange Yes I love

Yes I love to eat that sauce Please eat my husband's asshole Yeah that's so good He's so weird I'll stop it Well we'll put this video Up

Of The asshole Eating accents Do all the accents All about eating assholes That's a really great idea Like a unifying theme I think without the direction it's hard

To have it all be about Ass eating That's a good idea Tom Real smart Yeah I knew this camera was a good idea Yeah I feel like eating McDonald's right now I feel like eating an asshole right now

All that eating asshole talk got me into McDonald's Mmmhmm Yeah man Oh read that love email Oh yeah we can leave them with this We've got a really positive email I marked it thank you Patty In my

Inbox So I got this email From Oliver Here's what it says Hey mommy's long time listener First time writer I feel compelled to share this story with you I work for a call center

And we are not allowed to wear jeans to work Can you believe that shit? Stupid Anyways today we had a group project competition At work and the award For the winning Was a jeans pass The winners would be rewarded

For one day Sure enough as a fan of the show I was more determined than any of my other co-workers So I could show off my jeans being High and tight Of course no one understood But Part of the story is about a girl

In my group I've been flirting with And crushing on since our first day What sealed the deal And made us both realize We had to go out together Was when I planned on wearing my jeans high and tight When we win she laughed So he says he's gonna wear him high and tight

And she laughed and said of course Because real mommies don't wear them low and loose He wrote I instantly fell in love Not only did we win But we planned to go on a date after work The day we get to sport our jeans We're calling it a jeans date I just want to thank you guys

Not only does your show provide me with Free laughs and gets me through every Shitty Tuesday But it brought me together With this beautiful woman I've been crazy about for weeks That's a weird way to end the sentence So thanks for all the free funny

I hope you come to San Antonio For the podcast so I can take her Thanks again guys You two really do make life easier With the show and you even may have Made love between two people possible Thanks mommies Well Oliver that just tickles me pink

That's so exciting don't you love that? I do love it I send it to you I send it to you immediately And congratulations to you Oliver That was his name right yes And to your jeans date I hope it was great

It's a new picture Of Gerard de Pardu Gerard de Pardu is so fucking fat Valley Gym Just tagged Burt on it too Mommies I'm so loving Burt He tags it as Burt Like that's who's in the photo

Burt Do you want to know How crazy his lifestyle is though Burt Because he's been doing this vlog Of his weight loss In A couple weeks just by Being home he lost

21 pounds of course 21 pounds like that I know because it's all blow And fat and sugar and Salt Because he's a fucking fat buddy Yeah I had it I was up there watching

Create it Is that from Trainspotting? That's not you Wasteland Desolate Where kids get to 21 Have never done a day's work in their life That's really good

Do you remember Trainspotting Francis Begbie You can't understand a fucking word that guy says And Spud And also Francis Begbie Yeah the gypsy stuff Crazy accent

I could probably master that You weren't your dialect coach on that? I should have been I should have been But yeah Well do you want to do it? Not the pants On what? On you This kind of a

Not the ruse It's not the same kind of a It's not the same fight What's the fucking size of the last one? Turkish, the fight is twice the size And my master needs a caravan They like to look after me mad It's a fair deal, take it

You're lucky we aren't worm food after your last performance You're buying a Tarte's mobile palace There's a little fucking rage Some calling your mum a Tarte I just meant Now save your breath if you could you pie Hey look, so what's a heck of two roof lights Pikes

Oh you sound really good Now google train spotting Francis Begbie When he talks there's a scene in a bar We like And then he throws a pint over his shoulder And starts to fight in a bar No fucking idea what he says Really?

Here's the bar What's this hit? Yeah I'm playing like Paul fucking Newman by the way Giving a boy here the turn of our lifetime So it comes to the end of our last shot The deciding boy in a whole tournament I'm in a black and he's sitting in a corner

Looking all fucking bisque-erced And his hard cunt comes out Obviously fucking fancy themselves Like Start staring at me Looking at me right fucking at me as if to say Come ahead square go You can me

Fucking bother like but That's pretty crazy That's hard What is that Irish? That's just English Oh that's Scottish that's right That's right dirty Sorry forgot

That's so funny dude I've seen this movie I don't know how many millions of times I never understand what Francis Begbie says In that part If someone could translate that Because I know he's talking about a fight that he's in Yeah

But I can't understand what the hell he's saying I'm a cunt with a pool cune He cannot fight any of these puss Anytime he fucking wanted like So squares up He said a fucking pussy He can get a pool cune in his cunt anytime he wants it there Right but then can you understand the first

Casual like What does a hard cunt do? Casual like what does a hard cunt do? I can't believe it's finally decoding He puts it in his drink Tons and gets the fuck out of it And after that What a game was mine

After that Well the game was mine Oh Shit so he's talking about playing pool Yeah yeah in a bar I think Oh my god I literally since 1990 What six when this came out

Yeah I couldn't ever understand what he's saying And that was it That was Begbie's story Or at least that was Begbie's version of the story But a couple of days later I got the truth from Tommy You always got the truth from Tommy

It was one of his major weaknesses He never told lies, he never took drugs And he never cheated on anyone He does later It's a great movie You've never seen Transpotting You out your motherfucking mind Choose life

Choose a big car A job Toasters Alright let's do this Yes Manny let's do this What are you doing? I'm trying to wrap this up man I think I love you

Which made of dark parts And you're not very smart You're not very smart I think I love you But you're made of dark parts What are you looking for? I'm finding a song Anything else you want to say?

No I just love everybody You guys are awesome We have the best show We have the best listeners We have the best of everything We love you, thanks for listening to the show I'm going to go out on a ghost crew song Because I love ghost crew

Noice Again, thank you to everybody For coming to Denver Thank you to everybody for watching the special Thank you for listening to our show And I'll see Hopefully a bunch of you And Flappers

Flappers Spermbank this weekend Bye everybody I don't like taking pills But I have found Something that works Australian Drain But isn't greasy

I don't like taking pills I don't like taking pills I don't like taking pills But I have found something that works But it does I don't like taking pills I'm super duper good I don't like taking pills

But I have found that it works Australian Dream