Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 329-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: February 3, 2016

And a good day to you, Hitler! Cheerio, Mate! Aw the Hi Hitler saga continues. Where will it go? Does it make sense? We have the answers.  Mommy loves you and hopes that you love mommy too. Nothing like a funny clip with a sad backstory to get the show a rockin! Plus we asked you if Hitler porn existed and you answered! The Fuhrer wouldn't be so happy if he saw what happened to his picture tho.  When a megachurch pastor speaks in error we laugh. When he can't seem to fix it we laugh harder.  This is all denim here. 

What a song, that was really good. That was from Fernando, he said the time is now, definitely also throwing some hey hitlers in there. Just you know every email that comes in now says hey Hitler. It's a really cool thing to have all your emails say, hashtag hey Hitler. Hey Hitler, hey Hitler, hey Hitler. Really exciting stuff. It makes me laugh every time. It's so funny. I know it's really good. Hey Hitler. People are like what is this podcast about? Why does it open with hey Hitler? I don't think it's gonna change. I feel like. I think it's gonna stick. I feel like that. Come on, when's the hey

Hitler t-shirt coming? Please. That's like jeans, it's always gonna be hey Hitler. God, there's so much, so much today. I'm just looking for this instrumental. Let's see, Wednesday I'm doing the Conan O'Brien show. Conan to the kids. Everybody old I feel like says Conan. My dad has said I saw you on Conan. So Conan on Wednesday, if you want to set your. What time is that on Conan? Late. It's on TBS. I don't know. It's whatever the late night shows are on. Probably 11 something. Yeah. Very excited. Josh Brolin's on the show. Great actor. Yeah. You know that is. Yeah. I know the name. What's he in? He played, he's in No Country for Old Men. Oh

yeah, that guy's great. Are you gonna talk to him? I don't know if he'll talk to me. Do you have your dressing rooms next to him? Yeah, I'm gonna be like, Josh, you're a good actor. I'm a good actor. What's up? Do you want to hang out? Hey Hitler. Hang out in my room? Give him a hey Hitler. Then when I see him, I'll be like, hey Hitler, good acting. What's the, what's the other thing? Oh, Shark Lake titties. Salt Lake City this weekend, Friday and Saturday. We sold out four shows. We added a fifth show. I just got an email. There are 50 tickets left at the time of this recording, which makes me think that by the time this actually airs, it'll be gone. So thank you, Tart Lake titties. Tart Lake titties?

Yeah, Tart Lake titties. And later this month in Fartnix, Arizona, stand up live four shows, February 26 and 27th. And then rolling into March, I'm going to Tacoma, Washington, and or Washington. And then I have Cleveland, Cleveland, Ohio. I'm going to be there. Also, and I believe, oh yeah, the last weekend in March. And there's some other dates. I put them on allontomscure.com, go to the shows page. Oh, also check out Tommy's new vlog. Yeah. That's also on your mom's housepodcast.com. And check out our new little segments that we have on YouTube and on our website. It's on the clips page. And you can see us actually what we do live. You can see Tommy's explosion from last week, which is a surprise. There's a thing we're doing to where

people keep asking, we'll just put up full episodes. We're working towards it. But right now, blue bands here, he's shooting clips and putting them up. So you know, we're just working towards it, but it'll happen. His little bird hands are working hard. Yeah, he's flying around the room with a camera, a GoPro mounted to his chest, and it's a lot of work. So, you know, but we'll get there. But for now, if you want to check those out, your mom's housepodcast.com. Any dates you want to plug, James? Yes, Hitler, come see me April 1 and 2 at Flapeyre's Comedy Club in Sperm Bank, California. It's great. Yeah, it's going to be fun. Also, March 27th, March, May 27th or 20th. That's a long way, but May 27th and 28th at the Comedy Store in La Jolla, California, La Jolla.

And then April 20th, one night only at the Ventura Comedy Club, the eight o'clock show. That's a great place. I'm so excited to do it. You have a good time there. Did they know you there? I did it. I did it twice. Tom Sikura sent me, guys. Hey, Hitler, Tom sent me. Hey, Hitler, Tom said. Guys, I want to thank everybody who's used our Amazon banner to do their Christmas shopping. I urge you to continue to use our Amazon banner to do your Valentine's Day shopping. I know that's coming up. That is coming up. You got to get your St. Patrick's Day gifts. Everybody gets one of those. Anyway, just do all your shopping through our banner. What that means is you go to your mom's housepodcast.com,

click on the banner at the bottom of the homepage, and do your shopping as you normally would. It's just easy. It's like a magical portal. Nice. You know what's interesting is that you had to shit last time and I've been drinking coffee and I feel like I may have to shit in this. What a neat way to tie things together. That's really a cool story and I'm sure I know I appreciate it. I bet the listeners will appreciate it too. And what a great way to roll into our sponsors this week. On Instagram, someone just sent me a screen grab of the television, the TV guide. It says Hi, Hitler. Hi, Hitler. Hi, Hitler. Oh boy. All right. You ready to do the show? Yeah. Let's get into it. Here we go. Hi, Mommy. Hi, Mommy. Hi, Mommy. Hi, Mommy. Hi, Mommy.

Who is Ram? Don't bring anyone loving to this. No, Mom in the fucking stand. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura and Christina Pizzi. Sometimes the opening flows through me differently, you know? That's good. I was a little upset that you didn't play it in the guitar. I still was playing it. Yeah. I was just playing it differently. Were you DJ dad mouthing it? I feel like you had your DJ pads. Well, I was just like, I feel like I was a producer sitting in on a session that time, you know? Like I came in and they're like, can you lend us your ears for a second? Yeah. And I was like, oh yeah, I feel this. Like that guy in American Idol? Right. Who wears the beats by Dre every single time. Yes, Jimmy

Iveen. Yes. Yeah, yes. He shows up and he's like, yeah, yeah. No, I mean, your notes, they're hitting the right pitch, but it's just that, yeah, yeah. I need to feel the emotion more. I feel like I was that guy. I feel like you were that guy today. That was really cool. Yeah. It's pretty cool. I'm pretty cool. I feel it. I feel it. I like your hat today El Chapo. Thanks, Hitler. I got my El Chapo hat on. Free my boy El Chapo. Oh yeah? You're a huge fan? Oh yeah, man. Me and Sean Penn are tight. How great was that interview with Sean Penn? He's retarded. He is retarded. He's a well-meaning retard. Yeah. A lot of actors are, their emotions get in the way of their, their minds actually functioning. You know, he means well. Yeah. I feel complicit. He was so fired up. So fired up

about the war on drugs and, you know, he feels complicit and okay. But you know why he's so fired up? Because he's been sniffing Robin Wright's ass for how many years? Well, at this point, he hasn't in a while. You know, I mean, they've been, they've been split for quite some time. Yeah. I think it's basically his withdrawal of not, he understands drugs because he sniffed that butthole for so many years that he's probably like, you know, I feel, I feel compelled to take a really risky trip just to get those butthole whiffs again. Do you miss House of Farts for that reason that you're not watching her? You're not getting your whiffs in? Absolutely. I've missed House of Farts so much that even though there is nothing that indicates that it's about to premiere, even though I did

see a trailer for, yeah, a little, a little commercial, I'll still sometimes on Netflix click on it and be like, did that new season come out? I have no idea. Even though I know it didn't. You know what I mean? Like, it's like opening the, the cupboard thinking that new food will appear. I know. Now we watched The Princess Bride the other night and that's like vintage Robin Wright and I just want you to, to decide, do you like the vintage Robin Wright, her butthole, or current Robin Wright? Two different buttholes. Two completely different buttholes. Yeah. And to me, it's no competition. I want current, current Robin Wright butthole. Really? Walk me through this. I like that season hole. I like, you know, she's so much more confident. I mean,

she's kind of a pushover in The Princess Bride. I never liked broads like that. Right. Now, as the first lady, I feel like she's just ripping it up and she's just, you know, she's on all fours and she's got a collar around my neck and she's pulling on the leash and she's making me eat more and more and more. And that's kind of the Robin Wright I've grown to love. That's the one you love. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I also think she's going to really, she's on a very strict diet. I mean, there's not an ounce of fat on her. She looks great. I mean, how old does she have to be? She's got to be at least 50. Amazing. She's on that vegan diet for sure. Let's see, let's get her. I bet, I bet she doesn't eat meat. She's probably like pescatarian or something like that. No dairy.

She doesn't eat dairy. She doesn't eat meat. 49. Wow. Turning 50 in April. Do you think her butthole really tastes different than it did in the Princess Bride? Does age change the flavor of your butthole? I think it has to. I think it has to. I think, yeah, I think she probably has a, I don't want to say gamey-er, but just... It's not, hers is not gamey. It's not gamey. It's just, I don't know. It's just, you know, when a restaurant has a grill that's been there for a while, we don't change the grill because it contributes to the flavors. Like, don't wash the skillet. Like Mama Yuka's. Exactly. They just wipe it. Why? And they go, well, it contributes. Like, if we were to clean this completely, some of the cooking that, some of the flavors that you

taste in our cooking would just, we can't replicate. That's what's up with Robin Wright's asshole. I think you're right on that. I think it's the kind of asshole that, you know, you wipe it, but you don't want to wash it to me. That's a good butthole. Yeah, flavors. It preserves the flavors. Interesting. I wish she would chime in on this. Yeah, I wish she would too. Is Sean Penn on Twitter? Maybe we could ask him. I don't think so. I don't think so. Oh, man. Okay. Who is that opening clip? So do you remember a few years ago, there was the story of this homeless man who his voice was so amazing that they gave him a, like a campaign to, you know, they tried to save him from this. You know what I'm talking about? I do remember he was singing. I think on the side of

the road or something. No, I remember this. I think we covered this on the show, like the first year of our podcast, and then they gave him a bunch of money to have like a recording deal. Yeah, I think it was recording for like voiceover or something, right? Oh, yeah, it was a voiceover. It wasn't for singing, but he had just the most amazing deep voice. So his name is Ted Williams, which is the same as a famous baseball player. Okay. He's a, and this guy became homeless. I forget. I know his drug related, but he had a really crazy, a really crazy story. And from what I remember, when they gave him money, it just all went to shit afterwards. Yeah, that kind of is what happens. See, he didn't really get a chance to,

he didn't, he didn't really know what to do with that. You know, he had no life skills. He was a homeless guy that was an addict. And then they're like, here's fucking 25 grand. And he was like, well, that's why people that win the lottery, it doesn't really change their lives in the long run. It makes things worse. Right. They don't know how to deal with that. Yeah. Yeah. I think this is a little clip of here's the guy with the golden voice. This story is part of NBC's season of kindness. He's got a great voice. Yeah. Let's see what, let's see what happens. Here's the, here's a little backstory on it, basically. What's up, my brother? When Ted Williams goes back to his old haunts, admirers still stop for high fives and selfies almost four years later.

It's been a rough and rocky road since Williams got his big break. When you're listening to nothing but the best of oldies, you're listening to Matt. That's him homeless on the street. From the side of the highway in Columbus, Ohio to inside the today's studios as a guest announcer. Live from Studio 1A in Rockefeller. At the time, Matt asked Williams if he could cope with a sudden fame. Are you emotionally ready to accept this second chance to do the right things with this second chance? This time around, Matt, I have a God. A $300,000 book deal and offers for voiceover work poured in. And you know you love it. One day, I'm homeless with not two pennies to rub together and then the next day I'm in Hollywood. And it was too much, too quail. I was going to say it

didn't sound good. Williams says, along with bad business deals and failed attempts at rehab. Clean and sober for 22 months, he says, and finding fulfillment through working with the homeless. He's lost his car and condo and knows his past may never be behind him. Now I would lay my bed and my pillow and everything right in there. Williams has a new manager and says this time around will be different. Still that second chance, but this time a better shot at it. He's back in the studio relying on a few voiceover contracts for income. Now that cloud is slowly moving away. Slowly moving from a troubled past to a still uncertain future. Isn't that really something that that guy can just talk and that's his natural?

I think voiceover is hands down the best gig in show business. I do too. And you can have a studio in your own home. You're going to have to leave. Well, now we've got to tie us all together. God, I forgot to tell you. So this whole reason that I played on that for you is to tell you that our opening clip is him being reunited with his mother. Oh, no. After years of homeless addiction or he's living on the streets, he didn't see his mother for a long time and then that's him being reunited. That's so much funnier now that I know that backstory. Thanks. Why did you tell me that backstory? That's horrible.

I'm going to cry. I'm so sad. God, I'm a fucking bummer. Thanks, Tom. Oh, my God, this is depressing. Jesus. Sometimes funny is just funny. You know what I mean? It is funny when I don't know his whole sad story. Oh, God. With addiction. Hi, Mommy. Yeah, and he balls. So that's, he's basically reuniting with her and there's a camera crew. So he starts saying that as he's walking through the hotel lobby and then he gets up and just collapses into her arms. He hadn't seen her in like 10 years. I love you, Mommy.

Oh, stop it. I'm keep thinking of our son. Don't do this. Our son. Imagine if our son doesn't see you for 10 years. I would die. Yeah. I would die. Let me sound like that. I would die. Bye, Mommy. Bye, Mommy. So funny thing is how many times we walk into the house and we go, hi, Mom. We always walk in the house and say, Hi, Mommy. Usually not crying our toothless, homeless cries as we say, but. Is he toothless? Well, he's got nice veneers now. Now. He had really bad Santa chompers. What does his mom look like? Is she normal looking?

Yeah. I mean, you know, she looks old as fuck. She's old as fuck. Yeah. Well, he's old too. So yeah. And this, and this thing she looks, I mean, you know, it looks like a normal old lady. Yeah. She's not all weird. She doesn't look all homeless and shitty and stuff. No. She doesn't look like a drug addicted homeless person. I'm thinking does the apple far fall? Far fall. It does far fall. Far fall out. In this case, it fell so fucking far. From the homeless. They don't look anything alike. I think he's mixed. I think he's mixed. Mixed what? Mixed race. Of what? Something in white and his mom's white.

I don't know. He looks like he's a mix. So she got the something in her? She got a lot of something in her. Yeah. She looked like she got like a big dick through a Hitler painting into her pussy. Hey, Hitler. Hey, Hitler. Jeez. Yeah. So. Well, good for him. Second chance. It is. It's good for him. And, you know, let's hope he stays off the drugs. We love you, mommy. I love you, mommy. So stay off the drugs and keep your awesome voice working. God, that voice is really incredible. How does one discover a homeless voiceover talent? Because he used to stand on the side of the road

with a sign and said, like, I have a great voice, blah, blah, blah. People would drive up and video him. It's all the modern era. I remember. So they would be, they would say, like, say something. And he would be like, Hey, you're listening. That's what that was. I remember that. And then that went viral. People are like, you believe this guy's voice. I wonder if a comedian's ever been discovered that way, like a homeless street comic. That fan. Is he? Are you being serious? No. I'm sure there were street, street performer. Robin Williams claimed to be a street performer, I think. Wasn't he? I don't know. He's on drugs, too. I can't really ask him anymore.

It's really taken over the Hitler movement. There's so much. Well, I like that we've revamped the Hitler movement. We've changed it, remixed it for 2016. It feels really good to have a fan base that addresses you as Hitler. And it feels like it's growing. So really thankful to a lot of you for that. Holy cow. You thought it was over. We put out a call. We said, is there any Hitler porn out there? And, you know, we couldn't find any last week. And then this week, what do we have? We have a... This was hence the... So this starts okay. This is so bizarre. Why don't you describe what's going on here? Me? Yeah. I'm going to be careful with that video. We have a camera. We

weren't able to show any of it. I can show you this, actually. This image I can show you. Can you see that? Yeah. Can I see it? Yeah. So what do you see there? It's a furor. Yes. Our beloved furor. This is in a porno. Okay. So you tell us what you see. Okay. Okay. So Hitler is a photograph of Hitler. Framed. The furor. Frames. Big one. Okay. Okay. And there's the black guy. Oh, oh. So black guy stuck his ding dong through the furor's mouth. And now blonde lady. And she's just licked Hitler's face. And she's spitting on it. This is definitely... And she's aggressively sucking the furor's penis. This is Hitler porn. This is Hitler porn. This qualifies. And she spit on his photo. By the way, she keeps saying my furor. My furor. I don't think

she was saying it correctly. The furor. It's a nice sound. Is that the sound you want me to make? Yes. My furor. My furor. Give me my furor. Is that Maria? My furor. Get it off her. My furor. Sounds like a cartoon. My furor. Yeah, that's not correct. That sounded like a productive cough. That one felt good. So, you know, we found it. We found what we were looking for. I'm so happy. I feel so complete. I was worried we wouldn't find any. With the help of our listeners, anything is possible. Thank you for helping us find my furor porn. It takes a Nazi village. Yeah. So I don't know if you're interested in knowing where that scene goes. Yeah. Where does that go? I'm going to make a few guesses. Tell me what you

think happens. Well, she started sucking Hitler's painter. To be clear, it's a black-eyed penis that we poked through Hitler's mouth in the photo. Okay. Where do you think it goes? I think the painter goes in her regime. Do you think it stays through the frame the entire time? No. Where does it go, you think? It goes in her giant. He takes it out of the furors. Oh, and then they just have regular sex. Sure. That seems kind of boring. Maybe I'm boring. Porn. Probably why I don't receive all the porno emails, you know what I mean? Yeah. We do really appreciate that they're always like, hey, Tom, something here for you to watch. For your eyes only. And then you go, here, there's something to watch. Enjoy it. Oh, yeah, I just forward them straight to you. Why? It only

smells. What? It's only smells. Okay. It's only smells. It's okay. Are you mad that he's done? I'm so mad. You know, Rocco and I had a special connection. Yeah. And there's nothing you can do anymore. I know. He's old for a porno guy, though. How old is Rocco? He's 50-something. That's, you know, in porno years, they should be dead of AIDS by then. Yeah, it's really old. So let's see what happens with the fewer. It's a really ambitious angle for a porno. The Hitler porn? Yeah. What's happening? Talk us through it. She's still doing what she was doing. She's putting her mouth on, is it, Peter? Yeah. Yeah. But how does that... Oh, she has a swastika armband, John. I didn't realize

that. So that's how it ties in the theme. I was wondering how they were going to tie it all together. And that's why she's so excited. Remember, she goes, oh my... Oh, she's so excited. She's so excited. Yeah. She has the badge. It doesn't look authentic. It looks like maybe the art department of a porno movie made it. Yeah. It's backwards. Yeah. Still going. It's the world's freedom. I don't think that's what Hitler stood for. I don't think so either. Okay. So he threw the painting and said, fuck you, Hitler. Shut your dick in my mouth. So now, now it's, um, they kind of abandoned that, you know. Yeah. You know what's really sad? He's still, he's still... That girl has a mom and dad. She's a... She was once an innocent baby.

He's still three quarters erect. He's not even... It's not, you hate, you hate that specifically. Yeah. I think it's a real bummer. Flaccid penis is in porno. That should be number one. It can't be flaccid. I don't think you, you don't get to work on it. But you want to know something, Tommy? Dry vaginas. I don't like seeing a dry vagina in a porno. It makes me so upset for the woman. Yeah. When you see it's like, it's like sandpaper going in. You're like, ow. Yeah. Ow! Or when the guy finger blasts are too hard. I hate. I don't like that either. I hate that aggressive fingering. I don't like that either. I'm not into that. Very aggressive asshole fingering too. I'm really interested in seeing though, because pornos have a really interesting way of

sometimes ending the scene in reference to what the scene was about, you know. So like if it's a, like a plumbing repair, you'd be like, see if the pipes work now. Right. So how does this Hitler theme? Okay. Let's guess. How many Jews did this kill now? Wow. Jesus. That's really something. What? Nothing? Put this in your work camp. No? It's intense. Yeah, you might be right. I think, I think the theme here that they don't, that they don't really explore is that he's supposed to be the American liberator. Right. She's the Nazi sympathizer. Oh, sure. And he just ejaculates on her. Okay. Oh, so he's thinking for freedom. Yeah. I think it's going to be, he's going to be like, it's going to be something like, send Hitler this message, you know? It's like, tell Hitler,

there's more of this where it came from. Okay. Like America wins. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Obviously, you're right. Yeah. Okay. Let's see. Okay. He's finishing. He's kind of quiet for a finish. Real disappointed. Not like our other guy last week. Yeah. Let's see. Okay. Okay. Yeah. They're kind of loving. Sweet taste of freedom. Yeah. That's it. That's what you call a button. Yeah. Yeah. But you're right. Pornos always have buttons on them. That's so dumb. As if we don't know the scene's over. And we get it. No one cares. No one cares that there's a button. That's the most important. I'm going to start all over your fucking base. There's a button right there. Yeah. Yeah. That

sounds like Maria. Yeah. That's right, Maria. Does that ever make you feel weird that that's your sister saying that stuff? Not really. Just because, I mean, she's so crazy. And it's been like that for so long that it just, it feels normal. If it was somebody else in my family, yes. You know, if it was my other sister, if it was like my mother, I'd be like, what? But with Maria, it just sounds completely normal. So she's always been an animal? Yeah. Yeah. And she's always game to like say something crazy. You know, so none of it sounds crazy to me. Come over here and shit on my tip. Yeah. Yeah. Remember when she was like, oh, blast. Oh, that's why. Yeah, I fucking love it. That's why she's like, blast. Oh, blast my fucking

base. Yeah. Blast my fucking base. She didn't want slap. That was the whole thing. Blast my fucking base. She was like, Oh, that's right. Blast as much. Oh, blast. Yeah. I love it. I love it. I love it. I absolutely love it. Love it. Love it. Love it. Love it. Oh my God. I can't make that shit up. How did she get that way? I don't know. So funny between your mom and your dad. I just don't Yeah. She's such an animal. She is. I don't see that. She is, man. Huh. I'm so happy we found Hitler porn. Thank you for submitting that. Thank you, listeners. Thank you. Thank you, little mommies. By the way, speaking of El Chapo, whom we're rocking today on my hat, our little son has a nickname. El Chapo. El Chapito. Yeah, Chapito. Yeah. We've been calling them.

A little escalation. I feel like that might stick. That could stick. I think so. I don't really know much about El Chapo, so I feel bad calling this on that. Sweet guy. He's a good guy. Yeah. You nicknamed your son after the most ruthless drug lord in probably of all time. Certainly, I think, has a more violent track record than Escobar did. Oh, well, that's good. As long as he's the most. Yeah, he's number one. He's a winner. Yeah, I like that. He's a little shorty, you know, El Chapo. Oh, yeah. And our little boy's short. Seven weeks old. So El Chapo gets what he wants. That's what I'm saying is that he's a bit harsh. He's a dictator. He demands things and it's endearing. And Chapito, our little boy, is the

same way. So angry. Yeah. The dogs are handling it better than I thought they would. Yeah. I mean, in the beginning, I know that the schnitzel was just curious. Yeah. Fife was just like, he sniffed her once. Her? I mean, I'm sorry. My brain is fucking. Yeah. He was a little upset that he has to share his cigarettes and his weed and stuff. But now he just lays down there and he's just like, oh, I think once he realized that Chapito was not going to take anything that was his, he was like, yeah, it's cool. You can lay here too, you know? Yeah. That's what it seems like. Yeah. It's funny because he tolerates Bitsy just jumping on him and taking his stuff. You know, I guess he's really given in to her.

Yeah. He's resigned to the effort. Yeah. You know, when you go like, I'm just not going to try. Yeah. Bitsy's more of the dictator of the house now than anybody. Because I feel like it's all about energy. It's like an old man and a young kid and you're just being like, whatever you want to do. Yeah. She just takes over. We got to have those two in the studio. We got to interview them personally, I think. Yeah. I think it's probably a good idea. I mean, I'd love to get his take on, you know, is there a change of guard happening? True. And they're even listening to Bitsy speak. I'm curious about all of that. You've never heard her talk? Not really. That's weird. Just a few words here and there. She talks to me a lot. Wow, really?

Yeah. Let's bring them in next week. Okay. All right. Okay. By the way, does, uh, does homeless Ted? Hi, Bobby. Hi, Bobby. Hi, Bobby. Hi, Bobby. Hi, Bobby. Hi, Bobby. Does he remind you a little bit of... Fuck with my ass, man. Yes. Yeah. It's the homeless voice. Yeah. What happens when you get homeless? You sound like this. Yeah. It's all that fresh air, I guess. Yeah, that's what it is. Rugged life, huh? Holy shit. Yeah. That's all that fresh air. That's fresh air. Yeah.

Wow, man. It's kind of like a yelling voice. Does this sound like fresh air to you right here? It's cold outside. I came up here to get a coffee call. See? Every time I come in windy, I've got a problem. This is Burger King, man. We're having some busy, windy Burger King. We have to want to call it. Every time I come in any one of these stores, I'm here. You bitch, except for McDonald's. You bitch, you've got a problem. I'm sorry, ma'am. You can go ahead and step out. I'm just not ma'am, my name is Carla. Okay, Ms. Carla. I'm not ma'am, and you know damn well it's not ma'am. Well, I don't know your name until you just told me. You know my name. It's Carla. Fuck what you heard.

Fuck what you heard? You know my mother. They don't blame me because you can't miss. But if it's up yours, they might call it 24-7, baby, and I'm not saying no. But you do hear the timbre of the homeless voice. It's different. It's that fresh air. Like you said, it kind of just covers those vocal chords with freshness, and then you get a voice like no other. Right, like it's gravelier. Is it all the screaming they have to do outside? Oh, man. Here's some fresh air right here. Maybe it's the throat gets hoarse from all the crack smoking or something. There's something going on here because the quality of the voice is to sound similar.

Yep. I'm not wrong, Am I? There's a quality to it. Our voices don't sound like that. They certainly don't, no. But we're all cooped up inside all day. Yeah, that's definitely very coopy. Fuck me in my ass, man. Feels good when you're fucking with me. This shit feels good. That's probably one of my top clips from your mom's house of all time. That one. Yeah, it is a classic, man. It's good. Fuck me in my ass, man. It's really good. I never heard it anywhere else either. I mean, it's one of those things where I associate that just so much with this show. Yeah, no one's stolen that one.

You know, I know. It's weird. They don't play that on television. That's the one that no one's going to take. You know, this one I didn't hear a lot either. What's wrong with you? What's wrong with y'all? Your niggas are crazy. Apparently, his church is being shut down. You told me that. Not because of anything, because crazy shit he says. It's because I think they're defaulting on their payments for the actual physical building, their mortgage or whatever. Someone needs to support him and help him. We got to keep that message alive. That message of love. Acceptance, just like Jesus preached.

When a man like that can't keep his service going, it's really crime against humanity. No, like the furor. Yeah, that's interesting. You say that. Just like, hey, Hitler. So ridiculous. Yeah, that guy had a real quiet orgasm. He was like, Yeah, I was very disappointing. He should have, he should have, should have come all over his dad's funeral. All right, dad. Powerful orgasms. The thing we were talking about, we had a sickle cell over at our house the other day. We did, yeah. Came over, wanted to visit.

Of the crab feast. Crab feast. See our, see our son. Okay. It's my son right there. Okay. And okay. As we're talking, I don't know why it occurred to me to bring it up to him, but I just said, hey, did you ever, did you know that we had Gloria Estefan on the show? And he goes, what? Yeah. And it really occurred to me that that was such an incredible get. I know.

And I feel like, you know, I mean, it did well in terms of, you know, the listeners enjoyed it and, you know, it had good download numbers, but I really feel like amongst the podcasting community, that was just like overlooked. I feel like we in the, in those terms were the, all the black actors that weren't nominated for Oscars this year. Exactly, Tom. The Oscar So White campaign, they go, hey, what about, you know, Michael B. Jordan and Idris Oliver, you know, all these actors that should be nominated for an Oscar and they're not. And it's like, why wasn't the Gloria Estefan Miami fart machine episode kind of praised more? I agree. It kind of went out of the radar.

And it's a pretty monumental thing that we got a hold of her. And we farted on her songs and she was game and Emilio talked and they had a long, I mean, it's just, it kind of blows my mind. I know. It was, well, we, you know, we have to re-release it one of these days. Yeah. I feel like we should have told more people about it or something. I know. It's one of those things where, I don't know, it just, it deserved more. It's just the way I feel. I feel like too was underrated. It's underrated. It's like a movie that, that came and went. And then you go, have you seen this fucking movie? I know. I know, dude. It was really mage. It was really what? It's crazy.

It's crazy. It's so good. Who doesn't like this song? I mean, I think the thing that blows me away is that we did this to her song and then she reached out afterwards. I know. We sent it to her. Yeah. She listened to this and they heard it. I think people didn't believe us or something. Yeah. I don't think they believed us. Like she literally, we played this for her and then she let us call, like have a call. It's crazy. Right on the notes. You did such a great job. It took you hours. This is a producer's fucking song. I think maybe what got twisted on this whole Gloria thing is that we had Melissa, right?

Yes, senior. Yes. Call in as a fake before, before we even conceived of really sending it to Gloria. And I think that may have been what threw people off. They go like, oh, it's just that maybe they thought that was Melissa. I think you're right. I think people thought we were pulling their legs because this. Hello? Hello? That's Melissa. That's Melissa. Hi. Hi. This is Gloria. It's this one. It's really good though. It's just really good. So that, yeah, that is kind of, I think. And then here's. Hello. What's going on? This is Tom and Christine. I gather. Yes, it is. Correct. Thank you so much for your call. Well, you're, you're very welcome. It's just that, you know, the other day, I,

first of all, you got some hardcore fanage going on. See, I mean, it's, it's not, it's not. So, I think it was seeing Ryan's reaction that made me, that prompted me to be like, oh yeah. I know. Because I go, yeah, we farted and he was like, what? I know. It was so crazy. Do we know what episode this is? I have to look at it. Listen, well, we're going to dig it up and we're going to re-release the Gloria stuff on episode. I think it needs another listen. I think you guys need to listen to it again. It was pretty amazing. Well, I think, you know, we just need to, whenever we do do that, we just need to get more involved with getting our podcast friends to hype it. Yeah. That's what we fucked up with. We should have

like talked to Joe about it or something. We farted on her song. I know. And she was excited about it. I know. She's one of the top selling artists of all time. I know. It's crazy. She's moved hundreds of millions of units. I know. And she was like, yeah, I'll get on the phone with you. So crazy. It's bananas. Is she still doing that Broadway show? Get on your feet. Let me see if it's still running or not. She was so nice. And she was so nice to us about it too. God. Gloria stuff on. Let's see if it's still playing. They had such good personalities. I remember they really rolled with it. And Emilia too is nice.

Let's see. It says it's on your feet. I don't know if it's still playing. I can't tell. I feel like a half. I want to shit so bad, but it's not ready. They've been married 37 years. Really? Wow. Do you think we'll be married that long? No. Get on your feet. You just didn't even hesitate on that one. No, not going to be that long. Jesus. When do you think, I mean, how long after I'm gone will you remarry? I don't know. I mean, hopefully you don't fucking linger too long, you know. I don't want you to be like... When are you going to get your second wife? When does that happen? It's still going. On your feet still going.

Oh, good. Okay. When are we divorcing them? It looks like through March. Oh, she's still doing it. Oh, it's running through April. I'm looking into the future here. Is it running in May? It's running in May. Yeah, man. It's at the Marquise Theater in New York City. Wow, they're really... Tom, can we please go over this? When are you getting your second wife? When is this happening? I don't know, man. I think that's a good question. I think it's probably should happen before I'm 50.

You know, that's kind of a good second wife timing. No, that's a good time because you'll have accumulated more money and wealth, and then I'll just take half of that. Yeah. Never get married again, you know. Right. I just have 20-year-old lovers. You what? Will we get married again? I don't know. I think what probably will happen is that if it's right before I'm 50, you know, the boy, Chapito's like 14.

So he's in high school. He's big enough to deal with it. We're moving on. Yeah. And then, you know, it's like, you know, two Christmases. You'll have a good time. So we tell them that whole speech. And then, you know, I don't know, man, I'll probably meet somebody. It doesn't really speak English that well, you know. That would be a dream for you, wouldn't it? Oh, yeah. And then... What race will you go to next?

What race? Oh, what race of... Person. Person. Oh, that's a good question, too. I don't know for that second one. Second wife's totally different than first one. First wife, you make all your mistakes. Second wife, you're older, wiser, you know. You advise things a little. Oh. I don't know, man.

You know, the whole thing is, too, is like, do you have kids again? And it's like, I don't feel like I want to. I'm not a 50. But what if she's like, oh, but that's all I want. They do. They do. The younger women, that's the problem with younger hosts is they want babies. You got to have to do this all over again. She's like, I bet I want them.

I bet I want it. I want those babies, please. It's not going to be... I want a baby. She's the one, my baby. And they go, yeah, no, it's... You know, I don't know, my baby. Yeah, yeah, I want a baby.

No, no more babies at 50. You can't, I can't do it. But she's like, I promise I do all the work. Well, I got to make you happy, you know. And then you do it. Reluctantly. Yeah, of course. That's the way it happens.

Well, the second kid, you don't really... Second marriage, second kid, you don't really take care of that kid. You just throw money at the problem at that age. You know, you're not really active, Dad. That's the cool part. Yeah. So I'm always calling up Chappell, asking him to hang out. Chappell.

I hope his name sticks. Fuck you, Dad. Who the fuck have you been? Ah, come on, man. Mom hates you. Now you turned 16. I just got you a car. Forgive me.

Okay. Yeah. He will. I don't want to divorce, babe. Let's not do it. No, don't. Let's stay married, like Emilio and Gloria. Yeah.

37 years. Dirty, dirty. You hear these fucking assholes next time? Yeah, it's fucking the worst. Dick heads. Can't stand them. Hey, what are we not going to do for Valentine's Day this year? Everything.

For those of you who don't know, Tom and I refuse to celebrate Valentine's Day every year. It's the worst holiday in the world. It is the worst. They really exploit the shit out of this holiday. Yeah, it's the worst. Yeah. I hate it.

I hate it, too. But it just means that the rest of the year, you're mean to your spouse. You don't give a shit about your spouse? I just feel, I don't like commercially, you know. Forced. Yeah, I don't like it. I know. I always felt that way about like even the Mother's Day, Father's Day thing.

Fuck that. Like I get that it's a time to, you know, it's nice to celebrate your mom or dad at that point. But I don't know, you know, it's nice to just appreciate them other times of the year. Yeah, how about be nice all the time? Speaking of appreciating, the other day you farted in the kitchen and I didn't react. Yeah, that was kind of a bummer. I remember being in the kitchen and I think I really had a nice one. And I got nothing out of you.

I mean, you were just like, been there, done that. And I don't know, I don't, I like when I get just a little bit of acknowledgement and you go, oh, I hear stuff like that all the time. You gave me nothing. Well, that's because I had the kid just farts and shits in my hands constantly. And when you've got a champion fart on your hands, it's like, you're kind of a, you know, second tier fart now. That's so fucked up.

I have somebody who's 10 pounds making grown man farts in my hands. He is, he is doing, he's doing the Lord's work and, you know, it's impressive. I know, but you're upset with me. I am. I want a little bit of acknowledgement. Oh my gosh, something like that, you know. Oh my gosh, oh my gosh. You just gave me something like that.

I go, all right, I did my work. I did my job. I feel good about it. All right. Well, let me think about it. I have to, I'll make a note of it. I'm sorry. How was your dumps this week?

I know last week we had a lot of emergencies and well, you know, I did make one of those smoothies again and I didn't have anything quite like that. Yeah. I mean, look, there's been some nasty stuff happened. That's just life, but nothing like those emergency dumps. Yeah. You feel better this week. You look better.

Yeah. He slept. I have just a little bit of rust left from the cold, but I feel much better. Rust. Yeah, a little rust, you know what? The blood. No, just like where you go. You cough blood.

You cough and you kind of clear. You're like, oh, it's just something, something there. It's gross. But it was gnarly. That was a bad cold. I know. I'm so glad that Chepito and I didn't get sick. The plague passed over us.

Yeah. Oh, by the way, you notice that, you know, we, we put up some videos last week that we talked about and if you haven't seen them yet, yourmomshousepodcast.com, go to the clips page and you post them on there, right? If you see them, you'll notice how bare the walls are. And it's funny how we've talked about this before that sometimes embarrassment and humiliation is a good motivator. Even though no one really tried to humiliate us that much, I personally saw it and was like,

we got to put something up. Not terrible. Well, we got used to just having our stuff in the boxes. I know. We're so lazy and we're just tired all the time. But anyways, we were motivated enough to get here today and put up a few things just so that the walls have something on them, which I feel already better about. Yeah.

And I forgot all these treasures that we have. We have the City Connection album. Emmanuel Lewis. We have me with Feef as the Virgin Mary. Yeah. We have the first one we ever got. Who did that? Is this Crim City?

Crim City, yeah. Tom and I with our toothbrushes and our pajamas and Tom is shirtless with his jeans. So good. Wow, that's from 2012. For the dental updates. And this is a Bogart drawing. The Carlin. The Carlin.

That's the retard and retarded poster. So much stuff. Theo with his tits. Yeah, you're the dog's tit. Retarded. It's all here. Retarded. Yeah, even this took just a few minutes and already changes the way this looks in this area.

We should have done it sooner, man. Yeah, we should have. Speaking of things that we should have explored sooner. One of the things we didn't do in the, let me pull this up for you. In, sometimes when we get these clips, you know, we find something in it and we go, okay, we'll just use that, right? And we just put that up. And somebody put, brought to our attention that in the Hey Hitler clip that is obviously now

taking the world by storm, that's how her clip opens. We never really explored the rest of this. I saw just a brief moment of it and it was alarming. Really? So I'd like to play it for you. I'd love to hear it. It's, yeah, we do kind of stop. It's the same with K-Main.

The first time we played it, we were just like, oh. The show blown away by the first few things. Yeah. And you just disregard it. So yeah, let's see what with Hitler's, who's vlogging to Hitler and why? Yeah, yeah. There's a lot of shit going on in her room. What is going on?

Just a lot of pictures and posters looks like things are signed behind her and it just looks very busy. It looks a lot of Hitler stuff. No Hitler, real Hitler stuff, but a lot of clutter. You know, it's like when people have the collages and stuff that they make. Yeah, like vision board type stuff. Yeah, it's a lot. It's busy.

It's a busy background. Okay. Hey Hitler, it's me, Danny. I just want to tell you that Nathaniel Lewis is basically harassing my Daniacs and he's harassing me. He's threatening to actually kill Kindle Daniac and rape her. What is going on? She says that Nathaniel is threatening to kill and rape somebody.

Well, this is just as funny as the background on the high mommy clip. Two for two. Wait, it gets weirder though. Hilarious, yeah. Threatening to actually kill Kindle Daniac and rape her. Kill Albania? He's also trying to sacrifice a Louie to another demon. He put a love spell on me called PQ.

He put a love spell on her called PQ. Called PQ, huh? A lot going on in this clip we didn't know about. Are you sure you want to share all this with Hitler? That's what I'm really thinking about. She vlogs too, Hitler. Hitler's the best guy to tell. For video diary to Hitler.

Maybe just pick a new person to share this with. He's been suspended in my account like a thousand of times because he's like overly jealous. He basically is obsessed with me and he doesn't know anything about me. There's another one. Once somebody says anything. Oh, is that what she says? Yeah. Anything.

00:54:19,500 --> 00:54:21,900 Doesn't know anything about me. Oh boy. Yeah. About me. Anything about me. Yeah, yeah. Got to rub that click.

I don't know anything. There you go. It's so weird, right? Right now, but you know what? I just want to tell you that. What the fuck is going on here? I think she might have mental problems. Sure.

You think? That I think Nathaniel Lewis is trying to like, you know. Get rid of all my Daniacs because he's like obsessed with me. Daniacs? And is like overly jealous of me wanting to be with Louis. So could you like help me get rid of Nathaniel Lewis and make him stop harassing me? Well, now it makes sense. She wants Hitler's help.

Now it does make sense. She just asked for Hitler to get rid of somebody. Duh. Oh, well now it's perfectly acceptable. We were looking at you all wrong. Yeah, now it makes sense. Pretty sharp girl, pretty sharp girl. Daniacs, including all the Daniacs.

Oh, is that like believers? I think so. All the Daniacs. They're Taylor Dane fans because I really, really need your help. And I really, really would appreciate it. Yes. If you would like tell Nathaniel Lewis. Yeah, we got his name.

Okay. Okay. Anyways, that's all I have to say. Bye, Hitler. Bye, Hitler. For us, Nathaniel Lewis, we're actually a giant group of people. I wonder if she says bye, Hitler. Kindle a little bit, okay?

Any other ways, that's all I have to say. Bye, Cheerio, darling. Love you. To Hitler. Wow. Bye, Hitler. Bye, Cheerio, darling. To Hitler.

You know, Hitler's not British, right? You know that? Cheerio, darling. You know, I could see this as a premise for like a Nickelodeon show, like Clarissa explains it all, where the girl's vlogging to Hitler. And every episode opens with a problem. Like, hey, Hitler, this boy at school is bullying me,

and then Hitler helps her. Good pitch for you to take out. Yeah, you got it. Yeah. Let me know how those pitches, if you don't mind, try to record those. So every episode this girl opens, she sits at her desk, and she turns the camera, turns on her vlogging camera,

always opens. Hey, Hitler. And then this week's problem, yeah. It's Nathaniel Lewis is stalking me, help me, Hitler. Threatening to rape and kill me. Right, and then how does Hitler help her? Let's find out. And then from the dead, Hitler's always like,

I can help you. I can help you. Cheerio, darling. Bye, darling. Cheerio. I can help. Speaking of fun accents. Yeah.

How do you think that first time it went down when Mr. Carson gave that thick cock to Mrs. Hughes on Downton? I know. They didn't address their sex life yet. No, they were always like, you know, there was that whole thing before where she was having Mrs. Patmore ask, you know, is he going to slam that dick in me?

Nobody said that on Downton. Well, but that was the implication that she was like, I don't know if I want to get fucked. Nobody said that. And she said my pussy's a mess. Oh, cute. No, she did. She did imply.

Nobody did. She didn't imply it. She said, like, I don't know. I'm ready to get that thick Carson cock in here. And then he was like, I definitely want to fuck. Remember? Mrs. Hughes. Mrs. Hughes.

I know he wanted to fuck. Yeah. Yeah. He didn't like, well, the cooking. He was. Well, now that they're back from their little honeymoon, he's like, your cooking's wack as fuck. But they haven't addressed if she's sore or whatever.

They haven't said. You know, it'd be really funny as if you did recap down Naby episodes like this. Too bad this is the final season because that'd be a really funny sketch if you're like, and then and then he was like, your cooking's wack as fuck. Mrs. Hughes. And I hope your blowjobs are better than your fucking cooking sucks.

Sound Naby this week on Master Bay Theatre. I do think that he's probably a real thick one. You've said that a lot. You've really been thinking about. Yeah. Mr. Hughes has like this. He's just like a big nose. My Mr. Carson has big nose and he's a big, big guy.

I bet he's got just like a thumper on him where it's just like, he pulls it out and he can't get his thumb and his index finger to touch when he holds it. And Mrs. Hughes is like, I'm Mr. Carson. Like that. He's like, come here, you fucking trap. And then, you know, and he's like. Put a colorful imagination in that.

What a wonderful mind. And he goes, no more tea tonight. You know what you're like? What's that movie, A Beautiful Mind? We're like, is he a genius or I don't know. Or just weird. He's a genius. You're that guy.

He's a genius. Yeah. What do you think will happen to Lord Grantham? He's gone to the hospital now. Yeah. That was pretty violent this week. His ulcer caused him to just vomit blood all over. I caught that and I was like, is this a joke?

It was almost like a parody SNL schedule. Is this happening with Downton? I think most of the time shows like that kind of really minimize it. And then a little bit of blood trickles out. But they went overboard where an alien was inside of his abdomen. And then it was so much blood. He barfed so much blood on all over people's dresses. I'm like, wait a minute.

It was funny the way they shot it. Yeah. It was get comedic. It's like a Tarantino movie, you know. Yeah. Well, we'll see what happens. I'm very worried about Lord Grantham. Yeah.

I think he's going to be fine. And then it's going to be the indication that they need to modernize the hospital. Yeah. It's about the hospital stuff. And then I think his mother is going to be super pissed. But then happy. I think whatever happens at the hospital,

the change is going to make her realize that needed a change. Yeah. I think so, too. So then she'll reluctantly accept it and then she's going to die. Now, oh, you think Lady- Yeah, yeah, yeah. She has to die. The Dowager Duchess?

No. For sure. Please don't say that. She's my favorite character on the show. The Dowager has to die. Yeah. No. It's part of the show.

It's just life. And she's old enough. She's going to die. I think Korra's going to die. Why would Korra die? I think Korra's, for some reason, I see the mom dying, not the grand lady. What?

No. Now, what do you think about Lord Grantham's dick size? You haven't mentioned his. Lord Grantham? Oh, it's a little below average. It's small, right? I think so, too. Why do I think that?

Yeah, it's below average, for sure. No. It's just one of those, like, well, it'll do. And that's his, and by the way, that's his attitude, which I think he's a very positive guy. Yeah. And I think, you know, he probably saw Carson's once and was like, what?

And then, you know, looked at his and was like, well, it'll do. So very... He's adequate. He's not under, he's just adequate. But Mrs. Hughes, when she gets a piece of that Carson, she's going to be like... Oh, yeah, come on. What's he talking to you now?

She's going to be fired up. Do you think Branson and Lady Mary are going to get together? They're teasing that. Yeah. They're teasing it, where they're saying... They're intimating. Yeah. But then he's also trying to set her up with the other guy,

which is a misdirect. I don't know. I think it's a misdirect. You think so? Yeah. Yeah, I think so, too. I think he's just, he's testing the water with her to see if she's into him by doing that.

And he's going to slip at her about one night, but then she's going to be... She's going to... She's not going to slip enough. He is going to slip at her about one night in the house, and then she's going to be like, we can't do this because you're Sybil's, you know? I think she's going to fight the love.

But isn't that weird that his peener was inside of Sybil before? Yeah. And then now his peener is going to go into Lady Mary? Isn't that weird that your sister fucked your BF? Absolutely. I've banged a couple of sisters. It's weird. It's weird.

You have not. Yeah. Back in the day, it was a long time ago before you were here. Okay. That's super weird. Have you ever banged a girl at someone else that you've known? Have I banged a girl at someone I knew banged her? Yeah, like someone you were close to.

Let's see. I think I have high school college days. A couple of girls that were passed around a bit. Don't stop it. Yeah, I'm like, come on. College, are you serious? Yeah. Yeah, there were a couple of relief pits.

Relief pits? Yeah. That's so gross. That, you know, they're basically doing a service. So gross. Relief pits. I'm gonna throw up. I remember this one girl that she slept with the entire basketball team at my school.

Oh, she did. Yeah, she did. It was very well known. How do you know? Because people talked about it and she didn't ever deny it. Was it butt sex Becky? No. She, you know, put it out there.

Yeah, there's people, I'm sure there's, I mean, you know, I had sex with somebody and I know somebody else had sex with her later. I'm trying to think if I was ever sick, I tried to get in there first with the Yeah, you want to be first. With those scallywagons. Yeah. Oh my God. Didn't you ever bang a dude that's someone that one of your friends has banged?

No. Never? No. None of my friends like Puerto Rican guys. Gross. But you banged me and some of your friends had me, I'm sure. Nobody had. Who, did you bang any of my friends?

Who didn't I bang? Definitely. You know, when you're Puerto Rican, you're just Puerto Rican. Yeah. Did I? No. No. You were too young.

You were just a puppy when we started dating. I shoved it in a few holes before I got to you though. Yeah. In LA, but I don't think you know any of them. Oh my God. That was terrible. Remember that time we were watching a movie? No, don't talk about it.

Okay, fine. I don't want to give any hints, clues to anybody. Okay. This is a clip that came in here. Let's see if you enjoy this as much as I did. This man is one of those mega pastors. He's in a church in the middle of his sermon. You know, like one of those like casual pastors who's like,

I wear a t-shirt and jeans. Oh yeah, the cool guy. Yeah. The cool pastor. There's probably, you know, at least a thousand people in the room. Super lame. Yeah. So someone strumming a guitar as he's giving his speech and it just kind of,

you could tell his mind, he's got that stream of consciousness flowing and then kind of says something where he's like, ah, and he tries to correct himself. The reason you lift your hand is because you already believe. You're saying, I believe, you know, and we're just giving you an opportunity to confess him before men. He sees you, a little guy in the back, little guy, I'm not a midget. He's a child. I mean, when anyone to think I was offending a midget.

The best is that, yeah, you know, when you fucked up. Oh, for sure. Yeah. Because he did, he did the thing where he, he says, this little guy, child, midget, then he's like, oh, fuck, I just said midget. And then he wants to apologize, but he doesn't realize in his apology. He says midget again. And then, so then you're trying to fix what you offended.

But also he has his message of his sermon. Yeah. So he's, and that's, he's just like, ah, shit. That's always how it is. Especially when you're trying not to say something and then you fucking say it. When I was in college and I went up to this, I met, I was hanging out with red and a couple of guys were hanging out this pool one day. I went back to, I think it was this, maybe it was right after I'd graduated.

And so I go, red's living in these apartments. I hang out with him and his buddy is sitting on the pool stairs. And he's got a towel around his shoulders. You know, like you started to dry off. So you're just hanging, you know, like feeder in the pool still, but he's got the, so I just did like, Hey, what's up, man? He's like, Oh, this is my friend Kyle or whatever. What's up, man?

And I talked to red and, you know, I see Kyle, but I don't really know him or anything. So later that night, we meet up at this bar and we're just all hanging out. And I see the same guy, Kyle and his, his, uh, his arms are in his sleeves, but it's summertime. So it's like, you know, when you're cold and you pull your arms, here's when I go, I go, Jesus, man, are you seriously cold right now? And he just looks at me and then I see red, his eyes, like a bug out of his head. And he starts shaking his head. And I go, Oh, I didn't realize that Kyle was missing an arm.

So I go, Oh, you know, I didn't, I didn't, um, I just didn't realize because I thought it just looked like he had his arms in his sleeve in the summertime in the bar. I'm like, how can you be cold? I know. And then you just want to go like, I'm fucking stupid. That's the worst. It's the worst. You know, one time in high school, there was a girl, I went to high school with

that had a dead arm. He just, one of them didn't move. Yeah. And like, did that again? It was a dead arm. Like it was there, but it just didn't, it couldn't, it was limp. And, um, she's like, I brought a pencil and like I threw it at her dead arm, like not thinking. And I was like, fuck, oh shit.

Sorry. And I just hit the floor, like the pencil bounced off her dead arm and hit the floor. And I was like, oh, fuck. What did you think I was offending a midget? And, uh, uh, well, whoopsie. That's a great find. What a great clip. Great clip.

Blue band found it. Good job, blue bands. Yeah. Cool pastors are the worst, by the way. That whole man. I don't like that. Some people are, you know, I don't, I don't mind people that, that find some type of comfort in their religion, you know, but there's something about these mega church guys where

it just feels, it feels like a hustle. It is. Yeah. It feels so gross. Totally is awesome. And they're always talking about like, I mean, the thing is, I mean, there was that guy this summer, this past summer, one of these mega church guys said to his followers, and then he retracted it a little bit later, that if each of the followers were to donate $300, he and the church could buy

a brand new G650 Gulfstream private jet. He's like, if we all, if everybody just gave $300, I could just do that. It would help the ministry. And then, and then it's like, well, when you see that, if you're one of his followers, don't you fucking want to kill the guy, especially the fact that he retracted it because he knows his greed, you know, was only overcome a few days later by some reason where somebody was like, you can't ask for a jet, but he did. So bizarre.

And he was already living this great life, you know, the donations. And it's that they're convincing people that by donating, they're helping their own cause. That's what's so gross. Yeah. Yeah, I can see it though. I kind of admire his honesty, though. What's his honesty? Of like, if you guys each give me $300, I can have this cool jet as opposed to like...

But he's saying that it would help the ministry, which is not honest, you know. Oh, that's true. I see what you're saying. Yeah, he's completely, he's, he's making them think that if you do this, you're helping your, you know, me spread the word of the Lord. Right, right. That's what's so disgusting because it's not as nothing to do with that. It's just that I want this great jet, you know.

Yeah. He's a piece of shit. He's a POS. Yeah. Now, if you go to your momshousepodcast.com, there's a donation button on the right side of the page. Well, how much are we asking for, Tom? Well, if, uh... Turntables.

If everybody, yeah, if everybody who listens to this show gives a couple hundred bucks, I can get these sweet turntables and I can get my Beats machine. Yeah. And I can get all the equipment I need to start my DJing. Well, by the way, a lot of people are really impressed with my painting that we put up. That's not true. No one's impressed. Don't say that.

What are you doing? I'm pulling out my phone to show you some of the comments. I mean, wasn't anybody impressed with my drawing of you? I feel like we should read those comments under my drawing of you. I feel like I did really great job. I mean, people went to my page here on Instagram, which is Segura Tom. And they said, you've done many kind of great service by digging deep into your psyche to share with us.

Truly dark times are inevitably upon us. That's from Chris Alisha. Megan Lane, you're so talented. Cooper and such wrote, what is Christina Mami talking about? This is art. Chase and Wes, this could be the next work, next to the work of the Dalai. We need to get this in the museums. Why are you guys encouraging?

Stop encouraging, Tom. Miss Meow wrote, I think you're underutilizing your insane talents. You need to do a DJ set while painting a portrait. I mean, it just goes on. And by the way, a couple of artists on here. Let's see, Dark Kenji wrote as an artist. I have to say this is amazing. I have to follow you.

And Ash of the Mind, he was, I feel kind of empty and humbled as an artist. Cool Broden wrote, Christina doesn't understand true talent, Tom. I broke my heart a little bit when she relentlessly bashed it. I say you master the art of art. So a lot of people trashing you and your hatred of my talent. And, you know, I'm kind of the one that came out on top, it sounds like. Well, my friend, Shauna, who is an artist, a professional. I've been wanting to hear this.

Did you ask her? Well, she just, I sent it to her and she goes, fuck yeah, I saw it. I saw his awesome art on the gram. And I said, don't encourage it. But seriously, how mentally ill is he? Be honest, I need your opinion here. And she writes, yeah, he's really working something out there, something dark.

So there you go. It's, you're working something out. She's asking if you have any motivations, like when, where, and why. Why did you do this piece? I see that image in my head a lot. Okay. Any other questions? No.

Like when I close my eyes at night, it's what I see. Two bales of hay, one blood colored, one brown. A gun pointed at your forehead and then a black sun. Yeah. This is what I see when I go to sleep. Hey Hitler. And it's kind of a, hey Hitler kind of dream. Yeah.

Then I get into it and I, hey Hitler. And so I shut my eyes. What's going on in there? Yeah. You know, sometimes I do wonder about you. What do you wonder? Because you know how you never really know somebody? Like I know you, but I don't really know.

You could be a total dark psychopath. You know, you like all those TV shows. At this point, you really think that? You could be. We have a child together. I mean, you could be, you know, double life. Here, look. Oh, you give me an eye roll.

Four, one, two, three, four eye rolls. Whoa. You think I'm a psychopath? You're like one of those truck drivers that have multiple families in different towns. Yeah. I travel a lot. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm going to Charlotte Lake City this week. See? You could have family there. Your other family. I could have my sister wives, right? We don't worry about that ever. Like that you could be married to someone.

Like they give a total double life or be totally different than. No. Do I worry about that sometimes? It's on those TV shows you watch. So you think that I should worry about that? Well, no, but I'm just saying like those shows you watch, the women are always like, I don't know. He was such a nice guy.

And then out of the blue, he stabbed. And they're all Southern? He stabbed me. I don't know. He's such a nice guy. Bless his heart. Bless his little heart. I don't know.

I used to, he used to come home and he would have a sandwich. Right. Yeah. Hey, one day he stabbed the dog. I don't know. Yeah. I guess it could happen. Maybe one day I'll stab you in the side of the head.

Yes. That's what I'm talking about. Yes. Yes. Yes. Can we tell them about our Jeep key debacle right now? Oh, so horrible. Yes.

Because I want to tell you also what we have even brought up to each other, the realization of this. What? Well, to set the backstory, we months ago actually when we were Almost a year now. We were shooting the pilot that we shot. We got home. Lesson here.

Yeah, lesson here. March. We get home, we're shooting the pilot, and then sometime in The next week, we can't find the keys to the Jeep, right? Right. But I'm convinced that I've thrown them away because we came Home with a bag of snacks and I'm like, that must be in the Bag of snacks and I threw the bag away.

It's gone. We turned the house upside that we emptied things. 01:16:38,380 --> 01:16:39,740 We, you know, we can't find them. Gone. I don't know how many months passed, like six months past. No, then about three weeks ago. Yeah.

That's what I'm saying. Six months past. And then you call me, I think, and you're never going to Because I was walking the dogs. This is the first time outside in weeks with the baby and I'm, I'm walking the dogs and I'm wearing my winter coat. I put my hands in the winter coat pocket and lo and behold, the fucking keys are in the pocket.

So I call you like panicked and happy. I found the Jeep keys. This is it. Because it costs hundreds of dollars to replace this. Yeah. Key, right? Because it's like a special electronic thing. It's not.

Well, yeah, I mean, you get two sets. It's a lease. You turn the keys. Suck. So we get the keys, the keys, by the way, those keys have the office keys on them and the electronic fob to open the. Right. So that's another penalty to pay.

Here's the, here's, here's how retired we are. You find those and what do we do with Jeep keys? We keep both in rotation. This is the realization that I came to. Why didn't we stash one like you're supposed to do with spares? Right. Instead of keeping both out. Oh my God.

Anyways, we've now lost that set of keys for a second time. They're gone again. We had them for what exactly? I'm so pissed about it. Less than one, three weeks. I'm so upset about it. I'm so upset too. I don't know what happened.

I had them here last week when I was recording that deep row. Yeah. This week, my friend, Sean is on there, by the way. She did an artist retreat. She was alone for three weeks and it was crazy. Anyway, where the fuck are they? I don't know. I don't know.

It's making me crazy though. They're in the bedroom somewhere. They're in a pocket. I think they're in a pocket in jeans somewhere. I see them in a pocket somewhere. Like, like just what happened this last time, the winter coat. Fuck dude. So stupid.

It's so upsetting. It's upsetting. Um, one other thing. Somebody sent a fart. Somebody sent a song. Do you want to hear the song? Yeah. Before we go, here's a song that somebody sent.

It's called Ten Licks Do What You Want With Them. Okay. Here it is. Here's Ten Licks Do What You Want With Them. Here's Ten Licks Do What You Want With Them. That was hard to watch. That was hard to watch. That was hard to watch.

That was hard to watch. Ten, I'm licking your balls or your penis or your anus or something. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. You have a really nice laugh. Wow.

Is that me? Yeah. No. Yeah. Are you even made this? It's DJ Denim on Denim. That's not me. That's not you.

All right. Well, um. Wow. Thank you. Put your dick between your lips. Put your dick between your lips. A couple of things I always forget to mention. Mortified.

There's a Facebook page. People, you know, we post things on there. People interact on there. It's facebook.com slash your mom's house podcast. Obviously, the website, your mom's house podcast.com. TomCigarette.com for tickets to my live shows. Thousand Ranch for Christina. Anything else?

That's D-Bro. That's D-Bro. That's D-Bro. Listen to that, D-Bro. And we're posting videos a lot. So make sure you check them out on the website. And please subscribe to my YouTube that I'm hosting stuff on and to your mom's house.

I think you mean prescribed. Prescribed to that. That's it. Jean? Jean's up. I love you guys. Love you guys. Bye, guys.