Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 332-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: February 24, 2016

You know what I'm sayin? Ya feel me? Gnaw Mean?  Are these different expressions or the same thing? We DEBATE and there might be a new KING, Do you know what we're saying? Plus Hitler might be real. As in, the real Fuhrer. Plus Dani goes blue, er, brown on this one and we have a new awesome song to accompany her.  This is mighty fine cut of denim. Put it on. 

Hey, Hitler Hey, Hitler Hey DJ That's really a cool story Is there any Hitler porn out there My fjord That's what's up with Robin Wright's ass

Do you think her butthole really tastes different? I think it has to I think it has to I Don't think I'm muted you think you're muted. Yeah, I can't hear myself. Oh, here we go. Okay. Yeah, I think you're Okay, right? Yeah, that's good. Um, that was tophoroi Tophoroi tophoroi. I don't know and then here's Sean DL with this Thank you for setting in your music your instrumentals and your

songs that you make for the show they're Super entertaining and fun You got a lot going on I'm in fart next this weekend at the stand-up live I'm excited for shows the great Josh Potter from Buffalo is coming with me barf hello barf hello so

Should be great for shows they're really moving quickly the tickets. It's amazing. It's a big room but thank you guys for your support there and That's just the 26 27th March 10 through 12 Tacoma to come on you to come on you in Washington Washington is so annoying That's it to come on your comedy club

So Please come there March 17 through 19 The punchline and sack my ball Sacramento, California Big Ernie's coming with me. Oh big Ernie. Oh, what's her real name Andy Erickson? Yeah, she was on last comic standing very funny. She's coming with me Hilarity is in Cleveland, Ohio clean steam Cleveland steamer Ohio Full charge

31st of the second and then Spooky can sperm can sperm can comedy club and sperm can Lot Washington that'll also be in April. I have a bunch of other Coming a lot of places coming That are on the books already of which I can think of none and As soon as the tickets are on sale, I'll mention them jeans anything else. Oh for me, okay The 9th of March Maryland rice cub Joe Rogan Greg Fitzsimons. What yeah, we're doing a fundraiser for

Maryland's kids school apparently and it should be really fun It's the comedy store on March 9th Please come out and help us raise funds for these these stupid kids that are stupid and they need money I guess she's for books and things. Okay, if they even have books anymore. It's cool. Okay, it's poor white kids. Okay, and then April 1st and 2nd at Flappers Flappers and sperm bank, California 420 the Fierce birthday Ventura comedy club get your tickets now at the link should be up and then

27th of May and the 28th. I met the lojoya comedy store in lojoya, California. That's fancy San Diego Hey Hey, oh lady What's that I like is that a new character you're working on No guys if you shop on Amazon, would you please use our banner? You only have to do is go to your mom's house podcast calm click on the banner at the bottom of the home page And just do your shopping as you normally would and it kicks back some change. Yeah. Oh, have you guys seen our Instagram? Yeah

It's very exciting Tom and I've been putting up little teasers for these episodes on our Instagrams and fun I'm Christina Paz and you are a girl Tom because some a hole took Tom's to go Oh, he's a kid. He's British that guy. He's 18 now How do you know all this about because I follow when I talk to my post comments on his page Did you call him a shithead for stealing your no, I just said like what are we doing this week? Let's be the time to girls to get things done. Is he does he look like you? No, he's very thin He's good looking kid. He doesn't have those pretty blue eyes. He loves his girlfriend. That's all I post He's just like I love her. I love her. I love her. Why don't you post things like that about me?

So anyway, so How annoying would it be is there anything more annoying than when there's a couple and somebody just posts? Yes It's so fucking or I also don't believe the the proclamations of how much they love each other Like I'm just the luckiest woman in the world. It's my husband's ability. Yeah, okay. What's going on? Yeah, we both know people like that It's it's so gross when they do that. It's I think it's phony. Yeah bullshit All right jeans that was a neat. Yeah Part of that out we're gonna cut this whole part out a video. Yeah, no one wants to see that right?

Who wants to see commercials right jeans? Yeah, terrible man. All right, you ready to do this. Yeah Let's do this Fedex You said that wrong in the copy I did let's not FedEx. It's FedEx Why is this not playing? What's wrong it's not playing the audio is not coming through at all Is it on mute? I've done that before Try it again. Are you a big believer in those sex before fighting? Yeah, man

I still believe that man because I mean I do my thing. Well, you know I don't you know, you know, you know You got a hole, you know, you know, you don't say you don't talk about I have a vague idea what you're where you're talking about Don't bring anyone loving to this Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura Christina You Whoa

Whoa, who is that guy? That was a Kimbo slice You know I'm saying you know I'm saying who you know I'm saying fuck Dada 5000, you know I'm saying you know, you know, and It was a really underwhelming fight Joe watched the fight it wasn't a UFC fight, but he watched it and tweeted out this may be the worst fight I've ever seen Really? It's basically to it shows you the difference between Pros and amateurs these guys are two street fighters

Both of them got internet fame Dada is more from actually Billy Corbin who you know directed cocaine cowboys, you know, there's There's about Griselda Blanco. I love her. So his he made a documentary. I think dog fight is what it's called Which Dada 5000 is one of the stars of which it basically highlights Backyard brawls in Miami, right? Nice. And so that's what this guy got a reputation for or got a reputation from oh He's from Miami. He's from Miami and so is Kimbo Kimbo's from Miami Kimbo Was a kind of a notorious backyard brawler

before these documentaries or Before Billy's documentary and he got famous basically cuz he also looks like a like just a terrifying dude You know just big beard huge build and and there's video of him just fucking people up in backyards But when you take guys like that, you know a street fighter, let's call it and you try to put him in a professional setting It's different stories story. Yeah, so it's folks, huh? same strokes same folks so What happened was a same the guys have like no conditioning

I mean they were they were just both out of breath and it looked like I think they said in the I Saw a story or a report Later that said Dada had his heart stopped what the hospital. Yeah, he's okay now, but Basically neither guy was conditioned for professional fighting. Oh, I mean, that's one, you know, that's definitely What it sounds like I don't know if there's any other expert opinions that went away. Oh I know what we're gonna. We're gonna talk about. Oh, yeah, I have I have that. Okay Um, man, man, man, man. So he's talking about busting nuts. Yeah, so that's like a red carpet interview before some

He's only got but two nuts to bust. I ain't got but two nuts bus so That's a shout-out to Jimmy. Yes That's one of my favorite stories ever shit, bitch So bitch, I ain't got too much but that did not no one's asking you that. Yeah, man, so So anyways, they asked him before it all goes down they said hey, man Do you believe in abstaining from sex before fights like a lot of athletes do are you a big believer in those sex before fighting? Yeah, man, I still believe that man because I mean I do my thing

Well, you know, I don't you know, you know, you know, you got a whole you know, you know I'm saying you don't talk about I have a vague idea what you're where you're talking You know, I'm saying you know, I mean no the hell we don't you ain't say anything yet I don't know what you're saying. Is that what you mean? That's a different guy right now. I don't know what you're saying I don't know what you mean You know, I'm saying I love, you know, I'm saying Trip me out cuz you know, I'm saying Pimp's getting at them hoes, you know, I'm saying, you know stomping down on them hoes and I'm like, well hold on man

I don't understand this part of the game and it's just supposed to be my choice You know some mental way, you know, I said he set me back. He said hold on man I'm gonna tell you something now, you know, when you come to country, man, you know, I'm saying, you know You pepping at a hole, you know, I'm saying 24-7. You know, I'm saying, you know, you're shuffling up the crowd You know, you're trying to find out exactly what's happening on that on that track. Okay, cool. What I'm gonna do I'm gonna sit back and I'm gonna open up the track I'm saying, you know, I told the hoes, you know, I said make your way in the figure. Hey bitch, you big one I'm saying when I talked about how you sitting in the first words out of your mouth this, you know, I'm saying, you know

I mean no the hell we don't you ain't say anything yet You know, I'm saying You know, but I think this fighter is I ain't never had a job before in my life until I start working for shit, you know, in and out of jail You know, I'm saying did a little bit everything, you know, I'm saying now Yeah, I know what you're saying, that's the best one because he literally says nothing I mean didn't get away, you know, I'm saying they made a I'm a player at the end. It was a questionable travel call, you know, I'm saying it didn't go our way

And they made a decent play, you know, I'm saying I had a good look MC had a better look You know, I'm saying so it was just They made they made one more plays and we did man. It wasn't no one like the game got out of control I'm saying they came out a lot of Angel, which we knew they was gonna do. I'm saying we fall back We took the league, you know, I'm saying but they um, it's ultimate. I'm saying they got the W You had a terrific game offensively. What was the atmosphere out there like with with the whole return of Iverson? You know, it was gonna be very emotional, you know, I'm saying

Not one another player to come in here and get more attention or love than they were getting I'm saying so they go come out of the game buses and they did and I'm saying but we fall back We were at the rules and positional win the game. We weren't able to get it done Interesting playing against Andre Miller and Reggie Evans. Yeah, you know, I'm saying they still Still close friends of ours, you know, I'm saying so it's It's competitive, but it's still love at the same time Thank you. It's so many, you know, I'm saying, you know, I'm saying, you know, I'm saying, you know, I'm saying I'm saying

You know, I'm saying You know, I'm saying that's so many I got a 2001 Chevrolet suburb you know, I'm saying for the city Show me both Six months to put it together. I had it like just like two years now. You know, I'm saying That's a lot, you know I'm saying You know

That's all a foreign person hears when they when they listen to interviews or hip-hop, you know, I'm saying How's that the homeboy Mitch? You know what I'm saying? Hell yeah, you know what I'm saying? Good motherfucker right there. You know what I'm saying? So, you know what I'm saying? He's not gonna fuck with the real, you know what I'm saying? God right now. I don't know what you're saying. I don't know what you mean. All right Oh, so good. I like that street the fighter though. That's my new favorite. You know what I'm saying The the fighter guy. He goes, you know, you know, you know, you know

You know Are you a big believer in no sex before fighting? Yeah, man, I still believe that man because I mean, I do my thing You know what I'm saying? I don't you know, you know, you know, you know You gotta hold, you know, I don't know what I'm saying. You know what I'm talking about I have a big idea what you're where you're talking about and last week Uh, we had ghostface had so many not me. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? What's new? You know what I mean? You know what I mean?

You don't say you don't God, who do you think has the most, you know, I'm saying I know we did this one time where we tallyed up Well, somebody pointed out back then when we when we played it more They were saying that you need a real formula for you know what I'm saying And it's got to be no I'm saying it's per second So you could like go said a hundred no I'm saying for that clip was 15 minutes long. Sure. So they said it's about saying Interesting sand in a concise. It's it's relative to the time. Exactly to be scientific. Yeah, which is why this like this Rob got

We'll recognize real game recognize game. You know what I'm saying? Ain't no bosses in those fakes over here. You know what I'm saying? It's all Real deal, you know, I'm saying I was I mean, that's just you know one two three But then then there's the other criterion of do we count the entire phrase? You know what I'm saying and then there's you know, you know what I mean No, I'm saying Yeah, there's so many variants on it. There's variants. That's the problem with the And I think I do think you have to throw them in to the to the

Throw their hat in the ring if you will The na means and not you know, that's a whole other game. It's a whole other game No, I think that they can't I don't think so. I disagree. I think we got to keep the game pure, you know, what it's got to be pure It's the phrases are you know what I'm saying? No, I mean No, I'm talking about you feel me You know, uh-huh It's told they're all different categories. All of them are different categories. I think so because that's crazy I think you know, I'm saying my favorite. No, I'm saying it's still the sug night

documentary though the one Over by by kimba, but I'm saying now. I think second place is it's between those two now Who's your favorite? You know, I'm saying, um, you know, I'm saying I don't know. I did like the asian girl too. Yo, yo I think this is one of my favorite not many foreign, you know, this is uh, saffir. You check it out. You know, I'm saying this is fear You know, I'm saying, you know, I'm saying You know, I'm saying check this out though. I'm throwing a motherfucking shout out to my man boss, man You know, I have shit party, but baby, you know, I'm saying straight west to fold now

He's letting it go. You know what I'm saying. Sure, which is the original. You know, I'm saying sure. You know, I'm saying But then you know I'm saying and no, I'm saying that's the same shit You know, it's gotta be you know what I'm saying. Oh, come on. No, and I'm saying it's a different phrase than you know What are you talking about? I'm sorry if we're gonna play the same thing We're gonna be by the rules and I mean that's a whole other nine means a whole other category You're crazy, man. And then, you know, you heard These are all different to you. These are all different Different games. Okay. You know, I just

You know, you know what I just saw right here that I haven't seen in a long time That guy was drunk in our old neighborhood. That was the Really old hood. Yeah, two hoods ago and we lived in the rampart division It's crazy that we lived in the rampart division. Hey, look it up. Hey, google me rampart Um, not anymore No, no, um So, you know what I'm saying, you know what I'm saying, uh, we'll get back to it. I'm saying this in a moment This is gonna be this. This is the second to last episode

In this office. I know Not crazy It's been I don't know if we've said it yet. Have we said it yet on the show? No, we haven't said it. No I haven't told them. It's our last episode ever We're in a suicide pact we're done Just kidding, uh, we're moving though. Yes We're moving the our home and our office. Yes, and we're excited and overwhelmed

It's it's exciting to move we're moving back to proper los angeles. We're kind of South in los angeles county by 20 miles It's like it's a commute. It's been a fun fun go down here. Yeah, I really like it But it's too far with baby jeans. We can't be going into town and back So we're gonna be living in the front rampart neighborhood and um Yeah, it's just it's gonna be good to be back in la. Well, the neat thing is we haven't really settled into this office I looked at one of the comments under our Episode we put up. Yeah, and they somebody wrote like what's up with your

Your office looks like you guys are on the run from the feds Set it up might be. Yeah, we never properly settled in here Um, for many reasons. It's been also a noise issue. It's really bad. We have a pilates studio beneath us That's just and then this asshole next door You know these dickheads who talk on speakerphone and they think everybody wants to hear what they say It was like that right before you got here by the way, of course. She's such a p.o.s And I talked to the landlord last week. Yeah, and he goes. Yeah. Yeah with regard to the pilates Um, I'm definitely gonna talk to them and I was like, oh, well, that's cool. Now. Yeah, now you're gonna talk to them

Start start the conversation now It's been about six months that I've been talking about this Yeah, and they just started the class when I pulled in The whole fucking parking lots taken up by pilates a-holes and now their music's gonna crank up It's the worst. It's the worst. We're moving. We're out. We're out. We're really excited about it It'll be a much smaller room But it'll be our room. Can I tell you it's so much better for sound though. I know it's small I know, you know, and I yeah, it's gonna be better. I know what you're saying. You know what I'm saying

You know what I'm out filming. I do know what you're saying. I'm excited to move Uh, we have hired movers. This is one thing we've learned as adults. Don't do it yourself. Do not move your damn self Yeah, you know what I'm saying I do Yeah, hi our motherfucker to do that shit. It's it's the best marfugger. Yeah, it's the best So it's gonna be to relatively stress-free. I'm hoping do you remember Uh, not the last move to our current place with the move before from rampart. Yes. Where um, the movers had me help Yeah We were so poor though. We were like, all right

We didn't even have money to move man. I know but we paid them and then it was the hottest day On record years. Yeah, they had never had a hotter in october and it was 113 and the guys were like, I mean You don't have to help but it's gonna take a long time. I was like, okay So I just lifted and carried shit and they were drinking beers. It was their break Yeah, and the guy goes I don't get drunk like I can just drink and work All right, man, do you remember do you remember we gave away? I had a television that my dad gave me in 1989 and you forced me to throw it away was a toshiba And we left it in front of our old rampart division apartment and we put a bed on how long it would last out there

It wasn't long We took a drive around the block and it was gone. Yeah Zoinks, I don't think I walked on that street. I think one time I walked around the block Yeah, and that's the only time I walked on the street when we were there The bad thing in that neighborhood at the time really was um, Theft like break-ins. Yes, you know and homicide Now there wasn't a lot of homicides. I looked on the crime maps. It wasn't a lot of homicides It was enough to it was homicide. Look the fact that there are a homicide is not a homicide is bad

There were a few homicides, but it wasn't a an extremely violent You know homicide a week. They ran. You know I'm saying it's not there was a lot of aggravated assaults. There were some fights A lot of break-ins. Like you said, I remember looking at those crime. I remember when we moved from there The car insurance went way down and I was like, wait a minute. What? And they said, oh, yeah, you move from the break-in capital of LA To a better any any area is better than where you live. Yeah Oh, okay. Can I tell you what I liked about that apartment building? Is that there was a garbage chute? Yeah, so you it was that's that is the best

That's great in an apartment where they have a just a chute and you can you can throw anything down and we were throwing Remember we we threw really bad shit down there should that you weren't supposed to throw our member like what bacon Christmas tree Yeah, please I'm out. I like throwing heavy like appliances I think we did like you heard it go like boom like it's just such a loud It's so much fun. Yeah Just for a story Like oh that doesn't work anymore for sure

No, and when we when we decided we were gonna move on up and out of there We finally made a little bit of money. I'll never forget. We got out on the patio. We had a patio And we launched that champagne bottle. Remember the court pop. We just popped it out into the ghetto And we're like, we're the fuck out of here, man. That was a long year You know, I remember the most about that place is that I was on A bet show. Yes. I just stand up once on bet. I remember that and One day so I I one of the guys on the hall. This is nice, dude

I would just see him, you know walking in and out you'd see him on the elevator so I show up there's bt shoes and Who's there put the guy who lives on our hall? I'm like, what are you doing here? He goes, I'm a producer on this. What are you doing here? And I'm like, I'm on the show Oh, cool. So it's a guy that I'm friendly with so You know, it's kind of cool to run into him at this shoot. So we tape the show A little while later, I see him on the hall in the hallway and I go, hey man um

Is there a way I can get a copy Of my set on that show because that was like a big that was That was bigger than to do than now. Now everything kind of lives online So you don't really have to request things but back then you did you anything that you did You try to get a copy of right? That's uh, it's the worst the endless pursuit of a dvd of something you did So can I get that he goes? Oh no, man um You could call whatever

Like the office and ask for somebody Maybe they can get it and like wait weren't you a producer on the show? Yeah And you you can't help me get a copy. He's like You can call somebody though He gave me the number He gave me a number that I called and I told the lady i'm yeah, I was on the show one mic, you know, and I want to get a copy. Yeah

I'll leave a message for somebody like not for me. I'll leave a message for somebody else I called a couple times. It was not my problem. Not my job A lot of that, huh? It was like I was asking them for you know to donate organs right and while they're alive Could you give me your kidney now and they're like, I don't know man. I can't do that. It's too hard It's gonna hurt a lot. Yeah. Oh the show that I worked on. Yeah, I don't know where that is. Yeah You're a producer on you have no idea how to get me a copy. You know how easy it would have been for him I don't know man

It's him walking down the hallway to an edit bay going. Hey, do you have the copy of tom segura's stand up? Yeah, it's right here this edit bay. Can you just like I'll put that real quick, right? No Ah, I don't know where that is. Not me man. That's somebody else. Not my job. That was the worst I remember one of our neighbors They had roosters. Yeah remember next door neighbors. Yeah These motherfuckers had roosters. Oh, yeah, you called right and I called the animal Uh control on them to have it taken away because that thing would crow at five in the morning for for hours Or like who the fuck has and they would let them loose and they were in the streets

Yeah, a few times I'd come home and the fucking roosters. I don't know if our listeners can guess the racial makeup of this neighborhood Rooster Yeah That was fucking too much, man Too much, you know, we got lucky though. We never got robbed beaten raped. You know how I got that guy back I didn't really get him back on purpose. But what really pissed him off Key like a lot of people in buildings where you have shared laundry units. Yeah, well sometimes leave their laundry Oh, yeah

Said laundry machine as long as they feel like it. Yeah, it's the worst. So one time You know, I checked the machine. There's laundry in it. I go back 30 minutes later. It's still there I go back 30 minutes later. It's still there. So I took it out And as I was leaving the machine at the laundry room, he walked up He caught you. Yeah, he's like Did you take this out of there? and I go, uh, I didn't see I saw That was like that. So I just put the because of the other thing

and he goes man Can't believe somebody would touch My stuff and I'm sitting there thinking like dude, you left it there for an hour. You think that's okay It's not it's not it's a public machine. Yeah, the whole floor uses it. Yeah, we all want to do laundry And I totally I didn't act like I did it. No, of course That's how you do that. Yeah, can you believe there's only One washer and one dryer for an entire floor of people in that complex and how disgusting looking back that we shared

A washer and dryer with like a floor full of people just strangers. I know and like poor people. It was gross Yeah, that's the grossest part. That's when your clothes really gets dirty When it has like other poor like Now that I think about it, it's it's pretty nasty. There's no detergent strong enough for that poor stuff to get off of you Yeah, poor people I'm living the whatever the fuck I want life That's uh, how you know, you're an adult is when you have your own washer and dryer We moved into Silver Lake. I was like, oh, this is it dude. This is big time and it cost us. I remember I

I remember being like, oh, this is really expensive You know, yeah, you know, I'm saying, you know, I'm saying Yeah, I'll talk about you feel me. I'll say yeah, I know so another move. Here we go every three years We our assholes it should we got to move? Yeah, so this is it man. You know, um bri bri pointed out to me That's pretty much um my my whole my whole life I was a child. Wow. Well, I mean the with exception with the exception being the first move because I was nine years old Yeah

I moved to the next city live there two years No, shit next city three years next city three and a half years college four years You know every few every few years I move. That's interesting. Yeah Oh Well, I feel it in my asshole too though when it's time to go you do feel it, right? Mm-hmm. Yeah, I moved around too, but not different entire cities just like in the valley um Yeah, I I don't know. I feel that way with cars too, you know, bitches it itches. No bitches. Oh bitches. Yeah. Yeah

Yeah, bitches for sure, but uh after after a little bit of time. I'm like I already done not it in here. Yeah I had a dream last night that you cheated on me. I was so angry with you this morning I love the the dreams like that. I was so upset with you Yeah worse um so

We played Kimbo Who was saying, you know, you know And then I just played a little drop there of connor mcgregor He is a ufc fighter who has Won at multiple weight class. I believe and he's going to fight again at a different weight class And it's sort of a dual master of a master of accent segment So you can you can hear what i'm capable of there. Okay, but also

Um, I just love his attitude here because he's being asked You know what I think what he wants to do and he says I do whatever the fuck I want I like that because I generate a lot of money for the company to get answer. It's pretty awesome. You know, so um I think that it's a little bit Nice, it's well just because the expectations were low. Where is that? Where is that coming from? That's weird blue band um

You know what i'm saying sometimes God damn it. What happened the internet just fucking stopped working. I can't believe there was a time before the internets Yeah, I kind of wish it was back here What we've been talking about Well back then we had to talk about farts and fart on command And now we can just you know press the fart button. Can I can I when you were doing that? I got the most disturbing email. Can I read it to you? Oh, yeah, please. I'm so fucking upset about this Um about shaky cheese. Did you hear this? Oh, I did hear about this

I don't like this because you're a big fan for people that don't know. Yeah, you like that that bullshit The uh, watch this bullshit. Why is this bullshit? You like that craft cheese? I do. I love craft shaky cheese more than I like real shape parmesan I also take a shit And also when I shit and I wipe wipe wipe, I just go to the shower. Those are two things everybody should know about Yeah, yeah, it's so fucking disturbing. I wish you hadn't told everybody about that. Well, it's fine. It's fine. It's so disturbing Uh, okay, so here's the problem with my shaky cheese Uh, it's laced with exceedingly high levels of cellulose quote a common anti clumping agent made from wood pulp

Wood pulp wood shavings in my shaky cheese Fuck It's delicious. I wonder it's so tasty. How do you feel about that? I think I have to stop eating it That's really gnarly. I can't do that. I've been eating it my whole life too. Just wood shavings and then you you got um You're giving it to your little man too. I wonder my dumps or so, you know, yeah, I know baby jeans. Baby jeans is all of a sudden He's like, where's that wood pulp at mom?

Can I tell you what I'm really excited about for our new place. They're moving to we have a bidet Oh, yeah, yeah, finally no more shit to shower. I'm going to use a bidet like a lady. Yeah, I can't wait Are you excited? I I'm really excited and then it's in the downstairs bathroom So I have to shit down there so I can clean up like my ass It's my boyfriend, that's the bidet. Yeah The bidet licks your ass. You're talking to the bidet Lick my ass. Yeah, I'm kind of excited. I mean, I have I actually have a much greater need for a bidet than you Because I have a lot of hair down there. So, you know, I usually wet a bunch of paper. It's a whole process

I know but now I'll just have Just a warm stream of water But you tell me that you don't look at the paper. I don't I don't look at the paper and I don't look in the bowl How do you know that it's clean? Just tell it when it hurts bad. I stop Yeah Yeah, so does it hurt every day? Yeah, you you shit so much this weekend. I feel like no, I didn't I had totally normal shits It's not that it's abnormal, but your norm is that you're constantly shitting. No, it's not you're making it sound like I have diarrhea

And I don't know it's not the dire It's just that you're always shitting like we're watching Downton Abbey I'll go to your shit or like I'm playing with the kid. I got a shit You're shitting all day. Like is there a time you're not shitting? Yes all the time in between those shits I only shit like three times Nobody shits three times a day. I'm up. Yeah, they do vegans Vegan vaginas. Yeah, they do Vegan vagina, but your diet's not that great. Like why no my diet's not that great

I'm telling my family and me and then you fucking bring me treats that I didn't even ask for I know Because I love you. I know I love you. Anyway, that's the hardest thing is is is to knock out sugar. It's so hard. Oh, I know I feel like a fucking sugar. I am a sugar addict. You think? Yeah, absolutely. That's your Achilles heel. Yes Is the sugar? Yeah. Yeah, I could probably turn down a lot of like the foods that are, you know You shouldn't be eating but sugar is hard to resist. Well, it's an everything even started to resist It's hard to avoid it for a extended period in other words I can avoid sugar at breakfast. I can avoid sugar

at lunch By dinner by the evening I can start to feel the sugar withdrawal And I really want sugar but you're talking about just the sweet treats because there's sugar in like so much of our food I'm saying if I avoid it all together. Yeah, not just not just something a sweet You know, obviously sugar made Food I'm saying if you start if you consciously try to avoid sugar through the day

You can but I'm saying the the effects so hard to I I feel really I feel withdrawal really badly I'm sorry jeans. Oh, it's okay. It's okay, mommy. Um, you know, it's not It's fine. I need like pasta and carbohydrates and Which is a you know, it turns into sugar. Yeah, I know But I can't do that no carb diet. Shit. I know joe's doing it right now on instagram. I saw him Yeah, that that makes me go bananas if I can't have pasta or rice. Everyone kind of go bananas, but it's really about How you want to you know, what do you want to do? Yeah

it's hard I know it's depressing to me to think about I was just thinking last night. You're so funny. We had a conversation you Someone told you we can talk about it. Can we talk about it? It was so funny. I was laughing on the way here Well, to me the funniest thing was that I didn't realize for the last How long now six months? Yeah, what I that I was offensive. Yeah, I'll just say what happened. Yeah So we were at a wedding in august

It was the last trip you could take because you were preggers and you're getting in your third getting into the third trimester and We were hanging out and the ceremony the wedding actual ceremony had finished and people stepped outside of the Church and they had a reception directly in this area next door to it So people are having drinks and you know socializing We're you know, I'm just kind of making the rounds and one of my sisters comes up to me And she goes and I was telling you the story That I that it that it stuck with me that I thought she overreacted because my sister came out to me and she goes

Oh, hey, you know, you got to get Christina push present because she's gonna have a baby And I said, yeah, no shit And and then my sister cried immediately and pretty intensely I told you I told you the story last night and you go, yeah, that's really mean Well, your response is really rude. You don't go. Yeah, no shit And the way you said it wasn't like Like no shit. It was like no shit dummy. Like you really it was it was rude. Yeah. No, I yeah Looking back. I said it really rudely. Yeah, but

No, shit is the worst response That's the rudest thing to say to anyone Especially you when you do it No, shit Wait, why especially me because you say it extra shitty What your extra you get an extra attitude Extra no shit Duh

Yeah What you told me if you if you said that to me, I'd be like go fuck yourself. Who the fuck do you think you're talking to? Are you crazy? What the fuck you lost your damn mind If you said no shit She was so upset of course. It was so rude. Who says that? Yeah, man. I no shit Because I still I can remember it vividly. Yeah around that patio and she goes, hey, uh, you know, you got to get Christina push present

I go, yeah, no shit She got so mad Like do you know why you were we're just irritated already? Yes, and I think if you want to strip away the uh You know because it doesn't warrant that responsibly I guess not. Yeah, um It would warrant like a oh, yeah, that's right. I've been thinking about getting her this. Yeah Um, yeah, I mean it's you know, there's a lot of layers to it with siblings, you know So for me it was for me I took it was I was obviously defensive and It's it's about my sibling

Trying to be the teacher in the moment. Oh gosh, you know like hey, you know, there's this thing I don't know if you know about it. It's called a push present that you get it for somebody Then I was like, I know you fucking retard. So It's it's just um, yeah, so it's a sibling. Yeah, you know, I don't know Is it that bad? No, I think it's probably a lot of siblings are like, I'm sure dude. I don't know I'm an only child. I don't fucking I think a lot of them are like, yeah, I know Shit you dumb fuck so but maria would have responded maria would have had a different maria would if I would have been like You know, shit. She was like, I don't know your fucking problem

Yeah, she would have been way more aggro like yeah, fuck yeah She was like probably got a roll out of today Maybe maybe you need to go jerk off or something because you got a lot of fucking attitude She would have been she would have been way more fired up Yeah, my older sister got just more hurt. She's a little more sensitive. Yeah But what no the funny thing to me was even that it was that in telling you the story You made me realize how How crazy my response horrible response to somebody really especially a wedding like everybody's in a good mood

We just watch two people. We love get married and we're all dressed nice. She's like, oh, yeah Could your wife's pregnant? This is a happy time And she just made an innocent suggestion and you were so like cantankerous, you know, yeah, no shit Yeah, my thing was like you can't tell me anything. I think that was That was internally what was going on. I was just going like you're not one to inform me of anything. Yeah Yeah, I know I feel badly now, but I feel like it'd be weird to bring it up. Hey, you remember six months ago when I said no shit It'd be weird to bring up right

Yeah, you should just let that one go you let it go and the next time she says something you'd be like, oh Yeah, you know, I did know that but I'm gonna act like it's not a big fucking deal that you're telling me Why is it so annoying when people tell you to do stuff? We're like, look, I do stuff my way. Okay. Don't tell me how to fucking do it. This is how I do it here I mean, it still would bother me to this day Of course it was happening right now if she was like, you know something you should do Yeah, yeah, yeah, but it's but it kind of is annoying when anyone does that. That's yeah, of course Have you taken your son yet to get you know, I mean like people have their suggestions. That's the worst

Yeah, and you're like, uh, I got it. Thanks. Don't tell me how to do shit with my kid Don't help me how to do anything. Yeah unless I ask you. You know what this it's unsolicited advice Yes, nobody likes unsolicited advice, you know, we get it as comedians when you're at a show and then I even get email. I got an email for people to go. Hey, man I was watching your special and I thought of a really great Punchline keep it for this joke and I just read it and I don't respond I mean that stuff doesn't upset me because I just feel like it's a crazy person Yeah, but yeah when people who know you start going like, you know how you could better live your life

Especially for me as a woman, I'm not very good at womanly things. I don't give a fuck about cleaning decorating Uh sewing, you know what I mean? I'm not good at these lady things. I just don't give a fuck And when other women come over and they notice that I'm deficient in this area and then I get schooled on how to be a woman That makes me bonkers. Yeah, you know, the curtains would be I don't give a fuck Well, this is not my domain one of the um, I write shit jokes for a living. This is not where my energy goes, you know I totally understand Christ is kind of why I was telling you That even with regard to a move, I don't want a lot of outsiders there Yeah, I know I know because I don't want the influence of people who go, you know what I would do here

Go fuck yourself. No shit Yeah It's what yeah, put the couch up your ass. Yeah, no one wants it. This room could really use There's these light fashions that I'm a big fan of why don't you put them in your fucking couch? That lights up. Yeah Yeah, especially us Because we're real like we're big on utility. Okay. I don't know if you Our couch that we got

It's a lazy boy There's a motor yeah in our new sofa that you press the button and then two recliners Yeah, because why we're white trash. Yeah, and I like having cup holders speak for yourself and recliners I know and that's how I like it and guess what there's not going to be a fancy your white trash. I'm more Cheong Cheong Yeah, but don't come and tell me I should have nice things that this is how we live. Okay. I really hate okay I think it goes back to unsolicited. Yeah people's um

design ideas Like if you're if you're volunteering your idea without being asked you're an asshole No one wants to hear your fucking idea. Yeah, and I eat off paper plates and we have plastic utensils I'm gonna get it with this too with this episode. I'm gonna be you know, people are gonna be like, you know With regard to the sugar that you were talking about What I would do Fuck you Yeah, if I wanted to change it, I would change it. I would ask

Yeah, we're happy. We do it. We do it our way. All I said was it's hard Fuck your advice I'm gonna hear it. I know genes I'm hearing your fucking advice. No shit. No shit Really fired up, huh? Yeah, I know Hey, if you're if you're looking to lose weight, you could try Doing more exercise and eating healthier. No fucking shit Well, I think too. What's what's infuriating is that it comes from a nice place when people are trying to give you unsolicited advice

So, you know, they want to help you. Yeah I don't know. It just infuriates me. You know, you know, they want to help you but Masked under that I want to help you is a sense of superiority. Yeah, and that's why You get defensive to it. Yeah, there's an implied Sense of I am the one that could help you with this I know how to do this right and you're not doing you're not doing right It makes me my mother was a total asshole like that. Yeah, just says

Have you thought about getting a push present gets you to go? No shit Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a real Hungarian thing too. I snapped really Now that you remind me of it. I really said it too harshly because that's a trigger. We both had My mother was very controlling. You know how you should do these things like shut the fuck up You know, we have that in our families people who tell us how we should be doing shit all the time. Yeah Yeah, it's like what you should do here. I want to know bro. Yeah I

Don't want to know. Yeah. Well, you went somewhere, huh? I saw you in your eyes. You just went somewhere to go somewhere violent. Yeah, I saw it in your face That's the killer in you just came out. Oh shit Your dork sided dork sided it's coming out Yeah coming out coming out so earlier I had we had internet troubles And now we don't have them anymore

We played kimbo talking about of standing from sex Yeah, and I tried to set up the connor mcgregor clip and the internet went down I just think you'll love this guy's attitude. You don't know who he is But he's a superstar in the ufc and he's being asked by somebody that you know, he's basically being asked Your people are saying that you're you're kind of doing whatever you want is is the interviewer asking him, okay And then here's what he People are just too quick to say Connors picking what he wants connor's doing what he wants

He's like picking what I want and I am doing what I want when you can rack up 400 million dollars in revenue for the company In back-to-back events. You can do whatever the fuck you want. I'm living the whatever the fuck I want life That's the life I live whatever I want whenever I want and I have earned that true hard work true sacrifice And that's it true true victory I love that guy. That's that's my life philosophy, dude. Yeah, I feel like he yeah, I love him. I love it I am doing whatever the fuck True true hard work and true victory They don't go. So true. There's true. Yeah, I'm doing whatever the fuck I want. Whatever the fuck I want

Whatever I want You're good. It's in my lucky charms I ate six bowls a day because I won I got so much fucking money now We're the Where's that going? They're saying that they're saying that you're doing whatever the fuck you want. Ah, it's no shit I really like this guy. Oh, yeah, let her get some Fuck them. I'm so sick of these neighbors. Go fuck themselves too big time I'm doing whatever whatever whatever the fuck. Hey, I like this guy. Does he talk more about stuff?

He talks all kinds of shit. He needs a podcast. He's a big old shit talker. He's great. He's great, man I'm living the whatever the fuck I want life. That's a great life That is a great life. I do whatever the fuck I want. You do have to earn that life. That life isn't given to you Of course hard work sacrifice sacrifice and true true hard work and true victory Good for him uh, so Fuck and speak it up. You know what I'm saying? You know, you know, you know You know

one of the Return clips that we've played in the past has to be of this Young man who is telling you what he's looking for. I believe in a mate Um, do you know what I'm talking about? No Yeah A guy We've played a clip of him saying that he

He just wants someone to get real fat with and all right. Okay. Um, you know what I'm talking about. You feel me? I'm saying Yeah, that's not the guy That's the guy So this guy is it him? It's your mom's house that guy. That's your mama house. Uh, you you motherfucker you That's not him um My mom

This guy Where'd he go? Do you know what I'm talking about? You feel me? You know what I'm saying? No And he would and he had that crazy laugh Oh, that guy's right. We just make feed each other and give Kai That's not kai. Oh No, that's not kai Where did everything go?

Why is everything so confusing jeans? It's because you're old. I'm old your dad When are you gonna start wearing socks with a rubber sandals? Like our neighbor pretty soon. That was horrible. We walked past a neighbor. Yeah, total dad mode He was wearing like black socks. Yeah with navy blue Um Like adidas slipper, you know time out like those swimmer slippers. Yeah, like dude You just fucking straight gave up and he's wearing shorts Working on the car. You're like, yeah, your fucking life is over and he's like our age. It's not he's not that much older

No, and he just got a really nice car. So we were talking about his car to him Well, because we're super proud of him like good for you, bro You got like you didn't you didn't cave and get a minivan a fucking dad car Yeah, like you got like a dope ass ride But your gear's all fucked up, you know your gears whack. Yeah Like why do you have to dress like a dad or mom to be a parent so weird? Yeah, something It's like dad mouth too. I'm a fucking nice person Yeah

Cook like a motherfucker to make some fucking straight up fucking grub Fucking chicken fry steak Fucking collard greens fucking mashed potatoes all that fucking good at sausage gravy biscuits fucking Everything man. I look like a motherfucker. I want to find a skinny ass little bitch And make her fat. Let me go lose weight together and we'll bond That guy is fucking phenomenal. Yeah, he probably doesn't dress cool either if I remember correctly He's a juggalo The juggalo, you know, I want to make fun of them a lot more, but I feel like they're decent people

I feel like their message is positive. I have no I have no actual real issue. Yeah, it's just great clips Oh, right. Yeah, they're often not the um, how do you say brightest? people On the internet that was Christina No, we get we get really silly juggalo clips and then I feel bad because their message is kind of positive and like they're nice Very positive. It's always like they're always just like peace and love and stuff Cook a fucking collard greens and fucking sausage and gravy and fucking all this fucking shit

So this came in What up, you boy blew a boy here and you might recognize this shirt This is the same shirt monoxide was wearing in the homies video I believe juicy j also wore it in a three six mafia video too Okay, but anyways, that's not what the video is about This video was about the mighty dark carnival and how only real jugglers true down ass real juggalos Believe in a dark carnival believe that the carnival is god and may all juggalos find them Motherfacko

and that Yeah, I hate when people try not to hurt. Is that what he's like doing? Or is it like a is it juggalo slang? Oh, maybe I think it's probably juggalo slang. Shit Hatchet man is your savior Now, you know, I mean you got to pray to the dark carnival in the name of the hatchet man You know, I'm saying so what's so hard? You know to believe that there's this spiritual magical realm You know where there's a dark carnival that judges evil souls that sends them to hell. You know, I'm saying

Right now, I don't know what you're saying. I don't know what you mean um It's a lot happening in this clip. That's intense. Yeah, where he's going the dark carnival. He's talking about all kinds of nonsense Yeah, I don't know what he's talking about. Do you understand? No No, this is for a band right like the The band what's the band the insane clown posse right and then they have like dark lords and it sounds like it is a dark basically it sounds like

The dark carnival that he's speaking of is just a metaphor for hell or judgment. Oh, sure. Okay Okay, and the dark lord. I mean everything is just a symbol of something else, you know, so I don't know Let's just hope ellis doesn't get into this shit If ellis shows up, he's like, hey, what's up faggot to me and I'm like, hey And he goes Where's fucking tits at and I go she's in taking a bath and he's like dark carnival Is here

If you notice I'm wearing the shirt that mc search did yeah, I go He goes, I fucking hate you. All right I'm going I'm going to a concert this weekend. Bye I'm taking your car peace dog. Oh my god, dude The amount of work we put into him wrong with you I get so upset with him And real juggalos go straight to Shangri-La, you know, I mean if you go to hell's pit then you weren't a real juggalo Motherfacko because real juggalos take the message of the dark carnival and

You know, I'm saying No, adapt it to their life. You know, I'm saying It's more than a lifestyle than a way of life. You know, I'm saying it's a religion True real down-ass juggalos know that magical fucking feeling you get when bumping this shit You know, I'm saying who's behind the juggalo powers You know, I'm saying this kid's got a lot of fucking problems If our kid does this we lost them we lost them you big time. Yeah, you failed as a parent big time What a fucking nonsense is this guy talking about? I don't know. It's crazy. Yeah

You know, I'm saying you know, I'm saying I don't know it's um I think it's always it's miss um What is it miss appointed energy misdirected? Yes When I think whenever you're into any band as much not just too much too much if you love You know fish or your dad and it becomes your identity There's just another issue with you or like, um, you know, I go to michael's arts and crafts I used to a lot and there's like the purple lady where she wears all purple every day and she's in there

And you're like, that's that's my thing on the purple lady. Like no, no, no You've got a lot of misdirected creative energy if you you know, it's like the snake guy Who walks down the beat on the snake guy? Like no, no, no, you're someone who's got this energy that needs to be directed Somewhere else something productive. Yeah, I understand that when you find a group That you really want to be a part or you know speaks to you. Yeah It's it's you know Seductive I love the pixies, you know, but you don't let it be your entire identity if it was Just 24 seven pixies. I believe there's something really going on with you that you're not addressing

That's the problem here is that there's something going on that you're not addressing Yeah, you know, you can't just be at the dark carnival 24 And the doker cards are all real motherfucker. Oh, there's really a jake and jack juggling your sins. There's really Um a riddle box that people stand before You know, I'm saying there's a real wraith that takes your soul The only one that's not really real and it's just a symbol is the carnival carnage face. You know, I'm saying that's just a symbol for I'm so confused. You know, I'm saying so confused You know everything that is

The ghetto and what have you the traveling, you know here on this earthly realm It's like, you know, I'm saying you got the holy trinity and shit I have not lost now. He's talking about a deck of cards. Is this magic the gathering? Is that what this is? I have no idea. I have no idea It's um It's a lot. Yeah It's a lot try now. It's gonna be important part right How many know saying he did

You know what I mean, you know, I'm saying, you know, you know, you know, I'm saying You know what I mean, you know, I'm saying, you know, I'm saying, you know, I'm saying it's a religion, you know, I'm saying, you know, I'm saying Yeah, you know, I'm saying, you know, I'm saying, you know, I'm saying, you know, I'm saying, you know, I'm saying and uh I forget what the fuck else But it's just a real true down ass magical feeling. You know, I'm saying of the dark carnival You know I'm saying Fucking idiot. Sorry. You're a fucking idiot Yeah, yeah

I feel like somebody should tell this guy. You're a fucking idiot and then he should go no shit That would be perfect. Yeah. Yeah, you're you're you got a lot of issues man. A lot of problems. There's a lot of free time Yeah You know me, you know me, you know me, you know me, you know me, you know me You know, there's so many ills in the world too that this guy could help I feel like people like him like if you don't have a direction in life. Why not volunteer to hug like Adopted newborns or something or something like go feed the homeless or do fucking something else Stop wasting your meaningless life with the fucking insane clown posse weirdo. Um, let me uh reading an email to you

A waste of existence from william Hey, mommies slash hitlers Confartulations on the arrival of little jeans Long time down and we're writing and to suggest the frame a picture of maybe the hotel or even the room door From the same from the famed Cincinnati fart to hang in the studio. Yeah Secondly awesome job. Christina on that steep row. Love that shit. Tom. Keep up the vlogs Last and selfishly the main reason i'm writing to you trouble finding denim that fits

A new lifestyle has changed my crotch thigh ass area Measurements over the past couple of years to the point Where I can no longer find denim in store that fits there are limits to the highness and tightness one can handle I have reached mine and need to find better fitting jeans Heating rogans advice and trying out those stretchy barbell jeans seems to be my best bet out there But not made of real denim. I need to know if I can wear these could you comment in this Fake stretchy denim legitimacy, please high as in tightest for as long as I can bear it Bill p.s. I love you fucking mommies

I don't know what he's talking about these barbell jeans. Yeah, uh, joe's been wearing them. They basically look like Jeans They're different fabric and they're super stretchy so you can really move around in them. I'd like that because I don't mean to talk shit about jeans, but they're really not that comfortable I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I said it. I'm out. I'm wearing maternity jeans. They're comfy They cut your stomach and everything our maternity jeans. Are they made of real denim? What happens is maternity jeans. Yeah, they're real denim, but then right above your pubic bone area

They put like a piece of stretchy spandexy cloth so that You don't feel like a fat load You know when you button your jeans and it cuts your stomach in two because you're fucking, you know when you're fat That's why I don't like the jeans. I want to tell you this. Yeah, you This guy And joe. Yeah, can get out of my life. Wow With your fucking fake jean-wine bullshit

Consider us not friends And consider us over That's really crazy. Are you being serious? 100 percent. What's with the jeans? 100 percent. I like these jeans that the joe's speaking of though. I think they're called barbell I'm gonna look into that. Wait. Do you like the tightness of what of jeans? It depends on the day. There's some days where I put a pair of jeans on Well, here's the thing sometimes when you say tight you assume that it means tight everywhere I'm saying if the waist feels

Like comfortable. Yeah, but it's tight in other places, but it feels good. There's certain days for that. There's thin days Yeah, it's like a thin day, but you you like the snugness a little bit. Yeah, I don't like that every day But there's just certain days where that feels good There's I'll tell you what I think is way worse. I'm being serious Yeah, when jeans are too loose on your waist low and loose. Yes, I know pulling them up. I know I hate it like a homeless guy shuffle. I hate it with your schizophrenic shuffle and yeah It's terrible. I just bought a pair of jeans that were too big like that and they were low and loose Yeah, and I had to get them tailored. Yeah, there's nothing worse. There's nothing worse. Yeah

I mean, I I'm I'm pretty much a purist and I'm not advocating wearing these these, you know, fake denim Jeans, but if you support that kind of lifestyle, you know, we know who's real in this relationship Okay, can I tell you what? I really fucking hate light denim Oh, it's the word. It's so gross. Our neighbor probably wears those of course white wash denim. That's what dad's dad's word like denim Yeah, he's he's got the lightest denim on. Yeah Or white white denim is the worst you gotta wear dark denim White denim is dork dork denim eastern europeans wear white denim. Yeah I don't mind fake denim. I'm sorry. I guess I'm we're different that way. We're way different

We're way different. Um I don't know look that up right now. You are all jeans. Yeah, do they make it for ladies too? I'm sure they do I'm sure they do So we haven't addressed this yet today She's really taken over the show. We don't mind it's set to fight. What the fuck either you go So I just hit that on accident Um, but this is one I didn't expect From danie

But is also Sewing line with the show. I don't know if you've heard this yet This is from danie. Um, are you a daniac? I am a daniac. Okay. Are you ready? Let's hear it. Hiller Hey, Harry It's me danie I uh, just want to tell you that I really do love you a lot And I really do miss you a lot And I also want to tell you that uh, the place where I'm actually uh

Going to poop in your mouth is actually In your mouth Not actually outside of it. Um, and I probably might smear it on your nose and You know on your face and on your chest and You know stuff like that since since I actually love you a lot and You know, uh I uh, I just want to tell you that I really do miss you and I really do love you and um, hopefully uh, if you ever

Need to uh, I'll um Be making more videos. Okay Bye cheerio, darling I might be a little late on this but Crazy yeah Yes, um, who knows what's going on there Sorry, I didn't expect that. Yeah, did you know that was coming? No, that's not where I thought she would go with that Yeah, but then again, she vlogs to hitler. So like who knows funny that you mentioned that

Um, we get an email from a listener. It says hey hitlers love the momcast It's probably the bestest podcast on the internet right meow. Thank you Maybe even the best show on the planet ever, but I digress as any fewer fan knows Mr. Adolf is alive and living at large in argentina Some say it's a conspiracy theory, but I say there's solid evidence of his well-being a There's a wikipedia page dedicated to it. Okay, and b who would post a youtube video asking for help from a dead man

That would just be insane Danny has figured it out the best way to contact hitler is via youtube Everyone will think she's insane, but I bet hitler is watching and scheming and on something something You just watch hitler is gonna pounce Keep those jeans high and tight your big words tomah Um, that is amazing. So she's amazing amazing point So she really is contacting the fear and she thinks and this guy says that he's watching these videos like Like

It's like a dear abby advice Yeah, and he's gonna he's like I gotta figure out how to get that guy out of that belly button. Yeah Yes, I think that is what's going on That's really amazing. It's a great. Wow That's so funny dude hitler. Maybe you know who knows he could be in argentina. We don't have his corpse, do we? We don't know. No. No. No one's ever found his corpse So he could be with all the other asshole nazis in in argentina could be just walking around Buenos Aires. Yep And I could old time

Just watching dany videos on his iphone just walking around Yeah, yeah, yeah Thank you, Danny The daniak Thank god Danny. Yeah Let's see what I can conjure up today Oh, he only watches Danny's stuff. That's amazing. That were the case. Um, that's who daniak Danny Danny jeans

With her video got me Hi, I'm I got a screw loose and this is my sequel to the doo doo song. Okay Um, I believe I can crap got me thinking that this is a song we could play When I'm alone and feeling shy, I don't think this one's gonna get flagged. All I want is to sit all day On the toilet, please don't go away. Pretty good. I get what she's doing with my crap every day Swim near it on my face. What's happening? What's happening? I don't know in my mouth and say I believe I can crap

That's a good song. Is she listening to our show? I believe I can crap your day I believe I can crap I believe I can touch my crap. Yeah Be with my crap both night and day. You get the idea. This isn't daniak though. No, no, it's somebody totally different Yeah, yeah, no, obviously a fan of your mom's house Obviously a fan, but you know, I thought that it kind of played well with dany's video It does go hand in hand. What's with smearing it on the face? That's a I don't know

That's a this person was talking by smearing it on their own face Whereas dany was going to do it to the man. She loves on his nose and in his mouth Um, so people are really into that. That's a crazy thing How much would it take for you to do that? No to do what? smear crab on my crab on your face A lot more than you have It would take a lot. That's so fucking disgusting

Yeah, I'm not into that. That's the most disgusting thing you can do. Yeah, I try to respect people's um You know Quirks and fetishes, but yeah, that's a hard one to embrace. That's one. I don't understand at all. It's just it's not hygienic either Hygienic. No God Really not good That's fucking naughty, dude. It's the most it's the most upsetting thing that somebody can do is to

I think you're right in terms of fetishes I would say that might be the only one that i'm like. Oh, no vomiting. I think the vomit fetish We're not interested in that and pooping. Yeah Yeah, your end can be sterile, but if I if I was we started dating and I was like, oh, I want you to shit on me now Oh, yeah, yeah, it'd be a deal breaker. Yeah, that might be the you know, one of the few Yeah, I can't I can't get into it either, man I can't imagine, you know Wanting to do that. Oh my god, you guys are so disgusting. It's so gross. Yeah

Yeah Can we do would you rather do you want to do it right now? Well just sometime today Okay, we can I have one for you. You do. Yeah All right, sure. Just give me give me a few we have um A couple other things to get to okay. Hi Kathy Mitchell here with my new dump cake cookbook It's as simple as dump and bake watch this start with fruit dump on your favorite cake mix and finish with a can of soda Then just bake it in the oven for a delicious ras and peach dump cake Oh, so scrumptious for fresh warm sticky buns

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A lot of people messaged us about it. And yes, we we definitely saw that That you saw him. We were very happy for him. Um, of course, it's huge exposure for Diego for a good cause A man wants farts. Yeah, and um, I'm happy that that he was on the show And then Diego aka Thursday Lane posted a video Um, thanking us. Oh, that's sweet. So I thought that was very nice of him. That's really nice Here we go. Christine. I just want to say thank y'all so much for putting my wish list out there

I thank you your mom's house. I appreciate y'all I'm celebrating here with this cake That's okay, you know, I'm celebrating with this nice cake. I'm gonna have a piece of cake Thank you. Time and Christina whoever see my youtube video. Show this to your mama's house. Time and Christina. Thank y'all I love y'all so much. Thank you one day. I like to make it up to y'all Maybe one day I can hire y'all and one of my um One of the one of my um animation sops. Okay. Okay. Okay. All right. Maybe thank you Thursday Lane. Thank you Not one of your

But it was very funny when he was on top and I think it's very sweet of Uh thursday who wants those farts to Give us a shout. Wow Isn't that crazy that he's gone mainstream? Yeah, like this all started from this actually came from a listener submission So one of our listeners sent in his video and there was like 30 video views on it And now look at look at him now big celebrity big celeb. So let's hope that he makes that porno that he wants Yeah, now he's uh dreams come true

Yeah, he he literally had about 13 views. Yeah on a video Now that first video we played Has 104,000 views and the next one that we played Which had a few views has 29,000. Wow Wow Well, there you go. It just shows when you have something to give when you have a positive message that you need to give to the world Yeah, the part of the water's part. Hey, can I bring up something before I forget? Yeah, dude big ang died From massage facial get spray tan get spray tan. Hello

We used to play that years ago for those of people that don't know there was a Vh1 show called mob wives and it had really Some entertaining folks on it of whom the most entertaining was big ang and then she got her own spin-off show Yeah, which was okay. I watched the first season and then I kind of lost interest Yeah, I don't think it lasted that much longer. I don't know but anyways, it's very it's sad that she had cancer I think right. Yeah, she died of cancer. She was smoking and drinking and partying, you know I don't know who lived it up. She had huge fake tits huge fake lips. She was really quite a personality Yeah, but i'm sad. I really liked big ang. I thought she was cool

Very rest in peace rest in peace Massage facial and spray tan do it in heaven. Yeah, there's definitely that. Um, what did I want to tell you? I got this Hello I got a pee you do really bad. You want me to stop right now? Please mommy. Okay one second. Hello All right, we're back from the official pee break um How was your pee it's good I pushed hard and it all came out

That's great. They tell you to push hard when you have to pee Yeah, that's one of the big things about peeing is they say push as hard as you can Grab the side of the bowl hold on and push as hard as you can when you pee or brown And wait as long as you can before you have to go to nice should hurt should be really Doctors will tell you make sure you're in pain before you go That's the natural rhythm of the body pain pain pain release Oh It's time to fill her up and seal her shut. All right get your dicks out and hard

So it's black history month We are going to do fill her up Seal her shut black award-winning actors. Oh, okay You understand? All right. Awesome. What you saying? So Here we go up first SAG award-winning actor Idris alba. Oh, we met him in south africa or

academy award-winning actor Denzel washington now Cancel Denzel has been the go-to for a lot of people for a lot of years But I just want to point out First of all, he still looks great. You know, if you're looking to get that That is a menu. Can I can I see Idris though? I forget what he looks like. Yeah

He's a fucking handsome devil I know we met him in south africa and everybody was like, oh my god. This guy's really famous and I'm like who? And then he's super nice was oh, yeah, he's handsome. Yeah, I thought he was younger And he's he's he's a good looking guy though, right? He looks mild mannered Can I tell you who I'm gonna go for? Well, it sounds like Denzel But is it because he's classic Denzel? I like no, I like his teeth I like the shape of his teeth

And I think that he's more of a savage like Idris seems like he's just like a nice guy Oh my I so disagree but go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. I think that Denzel behind closed doors. Like he's all suave Yeah, this guy's suave too. He'll slay your cooch, you know, like you really give it a prison pounding like Oh my god, and you don't think Idris will no, I think he's more like he looks sweeter. He's nice. We met him He's too sweet. We met him, but we didn't fuck him. So we're not we're still guessing. Yeah I think Denzel beats it up and tosses it out as you say. Oh, yeah, that's right. There he is Yeah, there you are. I don't know. God. That's a long time ago reads. Yeah. How many weeks ago is that? 175. Yeah. So what is that crazy? I don't know. I can't do it almost three years more than three years. Yeah, it's more than three years

Yeah, yeah, South Africa. That's the first time I sharded Yeah, I'm the plane ride over That's right. You had tacos both of us. Yeah. No, you did. I didn't you didn't have tacos with me. That's why you didn't Exactly Yeah, I sharded. Atlanta, Hartsfield Jackson. You had tacos before the International Atlanta Johannesburg flight and then you took your panties off because you sharded But I had a spare backup pair Really clever in my carry on but I did shart for the first time back to the loads. I'm going 100 with Idris Elba

I knew you would I feel like You know, I feel like Denzel has been On the mountaintop for so long. Yeah that he's always just grabbing you by the back of your head Putting it in between his cheek butt cheeks. I love him and he's just going eat your dinner And it's just like a come in your dinner and he's not even Happy that you did it like he's like, uh, I've had better Just totally taking everything for granted. Now Idris is a smooth dude and he gets laid. I'm sure a lot But I still feel like it's gonna be

He's gonna he's you know, he's he's gonna drag you he'll he'll drag you by your hair But he's he's gonna appreciate what you do and he's you know, I'm sure he'll he'll do that thing where he wipes His dick on your forehead when that's so funny because I thought that's what Denzel would do to you I was gonna say the same thing. Yeah. Well, I think Denzel will wipe his ass on your forehead But I think Idris will just wipe his dick there. Yeah, and I feel like I don't know I feel like Idris is then the new Dick of the of the month, you know, he's he's really pulled his dick out and put it on top of the mountain And and he's trying to get Denzel's dick off of the mountaintop

So I'm just gonna go with Idris Elba. What a wonderful assessment Yeah, I think it'll be I think it'll be cooler and and then I'll ask him stories about the wire and he'll be like How'd you do that? Yeah, because you love that. What's the accent that he did? Well, he he sounded like just an american dude, you know, and he's british and it's always british He's so good at you would never assume that he's doing an accent because it's also it's not just he's doing american He's he's speaking. He's doing like, you know, the the the slang of US culture so naturally that it doesn't even occur to you. Isn't it amazing people like, um, um, the guy Officer Brody on, um, homeland. He's he's uh, yeah, is he mom Australian?

Our new cylinder or something. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, you wouldn't know I didn't I didn't know the whole time I was watching that show. Okay. And now here's the thing, but Danzel I see what you're saying That Idris is like newer and more enthusiastic. Listen, listen Forget the beating. This is something about that You smart man, I could see that I wanted you to choose somewhere safe for us to speak but god damn Only bugs and this motherfucker gonna have legs and he's south african. No, no, he's not south african. I mean, I appreciate smart

She got to know in this game, man. It ain't enough You're a student of history. Do you hear him speak there? Right? Yeah, and then here is, um Here is his big break Oh Just like that. I said, oh, okay Thanks, Tom But do you feel more or less pressure to take a role like that if it comes with the caveat that tom cruise said no Um, actually, I'm not sure if that was a rumor or a joke. Yeah, my daughter has a a huge sense of humor

But yeah, of course, you know the role was a coveted role That's that dude You know this town had a share of smart players, man Melvin little well Big see I'd be like dude do different accents as you fuck me Right Right, which one wouldn't you prefer though? Well, I'd be like i'm a master of accents also Let's do them to each other and then he'd be like head brother peanut warrens. I'd be like, hello, mate. Keep fucking

Oh, real smart, real smart You're smart too And what's his tagline when he jizzes, you know the porno The line, yeah um I think he would say something like well, it depends which accents he's doing do the british one Oh, I think he'd go Cheerio, mate. Cheerio, mate. Cheerio. Like daniex. Yeah, daniex cheerio hit

That's the cheerio hit. They always have to do it on the beat, right? Say hello to hit. Yeah Yeah, he'd be like turn around turn around wipe it on you You know as soon as their names rang out it's crazy, right stupid that dude's a great actor And I'm sure tom would have loved to have done it. I'm sure they're talking about you Tom would have loved to have do me and then he's talking about your guys's sexual sessions. Yeah, um, I think the danzel Because he's been in the game longer. He's had so much poon He's more creative. He's gonna make you do things like lick his toes really get in there Maybe a violent his armpits

You might rub shit on your face that kind of stuff. You want those armpits? No, but densa will make you do stuff like that But you think any varsity and then all of a sudden you realize you did it and what happened Yeah, that's that's probably how it is, right? He kicks you out when he goes get out when he's done Yeah Like bokowsky get out of here. He finishes and he goes get out. Yeah And then you get you walk out of the room and you go I just looked at guy's armpit for 30 minutes. There you go. That that's exactly the experience. That's pretty cool

That's pretty cool. I think when when somebody degrades you but you don't realize that it happened in the moment That's pretty cool. He's a boundary crosser and then you go home. You're like, what the fuck did I just do you call your girlfriend You're like, how many times have you looked at guys armpit for like half an hour? She's like, what? And you got this guy Denzel made me do it. Yeah I did it and then I was licking his chowd and yeah, she's like Denzel Washington And I'm like, how many Denzels are there in the world? Yeah, there's two Denzels him and another guy Yeah

There's not many Denzels. I've only ever heard of one Denzel Perryman Who's that? I think he's a football player Okay, well and there's that Denzel. Well, okay Really neat topic. Thank you for doing that Anyways, so we voted there. Let's see what the listeners do. Make sure you vote I think there's always a Link to votes if you go to facebook.com Slash your mom's house podcast. They always a listener sets up

A place that you can actually vote on the filler up in sealer shots. It's very exciting Okay, so we continue black history month award-winning actors females Taraji hensin or viola davis now Taraji's on the show What was it? Is she on empire or is somebody else on empire? What the fuck she just won something Sorry, I'm trying to I'm trying to make sure I got her plug right Uh, I wouldn't want her to get upset with what

With what um, you know, she's gonna hear this and she's gonna be really upset with you. I get the phone call. Tom You just uh, you know what show I'm on You just it. Okay. Yeah, she's on empire. Um, and she just won and let me look her up. Here she is Oh, she oh, yeah, she gave a really crazy speech Um, I watched I didn't I don't watch the word shows I happened to catch a minute of it And she gave a cray cray speech. Was is she kind of loaded? She's lit. Yeah. She was like, this is what I deserve I'm a fucking, you know, she she's kind of an asshole. Yeah a little bit Kind of an asshole. Oh, okay titties. Okay. She got them titties out. Um, is that speech? I'm sure it's widely available

She just was very arrogant and like she was running the light and she was like I deserve I could say what the fuck I want. I earned this shit. Oh, it was the golden globes Was that it? Okay. Yeah She was just kind of drunk. I thought it's and and she gave her a crazy speech That's what this says. Oh shit. It says it Cookies for everyone tonight My strength Hollywood form press

Thank you. I mean Who knew That playing an ex convict would take me all around the globe It just goes to show I thought it would be queenie Will I thought it would be my character from uh, you know karate kid But it's cookie who's spent 17 years in jail for selling crack. Okay So the world loves real. Thank you

So many people to thank It looks like it goes on and on. Yeah It's kind of weird and then viola davis. Yeah, she's real popular. Yeah, she won She just won an award She won a sag award or it was at a golden globe or both Which one was it? It looks like she won Why is this so hard when the moment you want to pull it up?

viola davis She won an award. Okay, uh emmy award for outstanding lead actress And how to get away with murder she won the emmy for that and she just won another award at one of these Who knows there's so many fucking awards, right? Yeah, so It's really it matters tom These awards mean everything so we know that toraji gets lit so we know that she likes to party But she's a little bougie. She's a little high maintenance. It sounds like here's uh, Oh, viola davis. She's great. Yeah, she's been in everything. Oh, I like her. So I think we have but I think it's very

You're getting two very distinct styles probably in the bedroom um You know one's kind of a booze bag sounds like and um By all is a lady. This is a lady. She's a lady. So you're gonna fill up and seal shut and what's your reasoning? Well, if you want to Devastate somebody if you want to make them cry if you want to haunt their memories You're gonna do viola you personally this woman here the nice lady. You want to traumatize her. Oh, right, right, right, right The other one is just straight pig. Yeah, she'll do whatever you want. Yeah That's interesting. I mean, it's just it's just it's a style thing. Do you want to hurt somebody or do you want, you know?

well, I already feel like tragedy was um Talking a lot of shit in her acceptance speech. Yeah, that's just gonna get old with a dick in her mouth So I feel like viola is more my cup of tea to break her spirit to mold her into the The piggy that i'm trying to make

um, and you know, I feel like The other henson's gonna be just like, oh Yeah, I remember this one time I was in beirut and there were these three guys and she's like It's gonna be comparing you to stuff she's done before been there done that sure done that and she's like, oh, that's not that big and that doesn't hurt that much. Yeah, whereas um Viola's gonna be like, uh, you know, I have a family. I'm scared. Yeah. Can I can I can I go now? Yeah, shut up. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I'm thinking with you. I knew you picked that one. So yeah, viola. How about you? Well, I don't I'm not as experienced as you are. I haven't

Done as much. I need a pig to turn me out. You know what I mean? Oh, so you take the other one Yeah, because she's kind of a bitch I feel like she would just take over and I could just kind of hang out and not do much So that'd be cool So that's who you're going with. Yeah, okay. I'll let her have a pig party on me Okay Pig party rodgie henson. She'd probably be drunk during it. Don't you think it'll be fun? Yeah, we get fucked up and I'd be like, I've never done this before and she'd be like, I've done it

Yeah, well, here's how and then she'd show me how to do stuff. I'm like, that's crazy. True. It'd be a good story Um, all right. Well, um Let's do this and get out of here. Okay. Yeah Oh It's good Yeah, that's pretty good. That was really impressed that you did that on the beat. We need a contest. I just realized this Yeah, because of our licensing things are going to come up Why don't we do a would you rather theme song contest? That'll be a great idea. Um

Consider the floodgates are open Send in a would you rather theme song? Originally it was a cosby jello remix Then he raped a bunch of people Right now we have a placeholder, but it's a gloria stefan song So why don't we have an original would you rather theme song contest? You send it in Send them, you know something you can it can see you can say would you rather in it? It can have nothing to do with that, but it'll be the prompt for would you rather's it's a good idea jeans

Send them to your mom's podcast at gmail.com. There's no house In the email address your mom's podcast at gmail.com Jeans, what's your would you rather? Okay, finally. I'm dying fucking do this one. Okay, so would you rather? Okay, you have to lick thief's mouth like Lick it like see his little black lip like he's got lips You gotta lick his lips And his beard like you know how he goes in the backyard and he licks in the dirt and he comes in that's covered in dirt

And just you smelled his mouth like his mouth smells like a fucking fish market And it's so gross and his teeth are all cruddy You gotta lick the fur around his mouth his lips and his teeth Yeah, lick that up Or every time you gotta go potty number one and number two you have to go outside with the dogs I let you out. I'm like Tommy. You gotta go potty. You gotta go potty Go potty and then I let you out bitsy and thief and then you shouldn't piss where they should I got I need to have some questions so

when Yeah, when I have to lick his mouth once Yeah And lick his whole beard the beard the mouth the lips the teeth you just kind of give it a thorough lick and it smells horrible He's been drinking whiskey and smoking But it's either that or how many times am I is he going to do Okay, so then one month of you peeing and pooping outside with the dogs

But it's every time I let the dogs out you go with them And you piss and you shit in our yard It's crazy. It's a crazy and then the gardener's like Mama, I'm gonna I'm gonna pick this up wait. That's not as I Wait I cannot pick up this shit, man He's not a ching chong he goes he goes I cannot pick up this shit, mom And then you go this is not uh, this is a people's shit

This is the this is not dog shit. This is human shit the dogs. They take a big big shit and it's too big for me It's like a bear shit. Yeah, that's what I'll say the gardener's gonna be like, um, you gotta pay me more for this, man I cannot pick up human shit, too. You think he'd be like Hey, we'll stay right here homie. It's fucking morning fucking It was out the enemy guys right there homie. Let me represent myself homie It's creeper homie from the jid up 13 gang homies on valley gang homie Fucking whiner from waste our mean power gang homie still poros orenios putting it down

Middle east homie in syria still gang bang and not giving a fuck homie It's big old shit out here, man. It's like uh, like these aren't dog. She's these are like people. She's man These are people shit. Well, here's the thing is that he he kind of doesn't pick up the dog I'm not gonna shit for a month outside. That's why you'd rather lick all yes Because you're gonna throw up. I'm gonna vomit for sure. I'm gonna vomit profusely and intensely But it also will be all over in a day. That's why I would do that. Yeah, but you'll remember fief mouth I know he'll come up to me probably for the rest of my life every day like do I lick my mouth again? You want to do that again like you did that one time? I love dude. He eats barf

He he eats bits. He's barf the other day. All right. Fuck man. I can't go shit outside for a month. That's crazy Yes, you can't no Like joey d. I remember he shit on this tree in the back one time. That was an accident But here's the thing bro is I'd make it nice for you. I put some toilet paper out there I put like a stool No, like a squatty potty. No, I'm I'm licking the dog's face once It's a trade-off. It's a it's a reasonable pitch that you made but I'm I'm definitely taking the other option. Okay I'm peeing and shitting outside for a month

With the dogs. Yeah, because I only shit once a day not like you you should five times a day Yeah, it's the thing is I should a lot. Yeah, and we keep going outside I mean if you shit that many times a day for a month people are gonna see me So neighbors eventually are gonna be like hey tom. What are you doing that again? The kids are out. I gotta take a dump I lost a would you rather thing And I don't want to lick my dog's beard. What? Hi Hitler I kind of want to see you shit in our yard though. I think it'd be pretty funny

I've pissed outside once in our house. Shut the fuck up. Yeah, when I forget. It wasn't that long ago though Are you serious? Why I forget I forget the reason I just had to go I've pissed all over that wall Thank god we rent, huh? Who cares not my problem. It's landlord's problem now. Not my fucking problem. Not my problem, buddy Oh, no Yeah, all right. We got to go It's a long show. We want to clean up the shit

We got to go. We love you like a people shit. We'll see you guys in a week. Love you. Mommy. Bye jeans Honestly And this is like this goes for almost all the moments in the scene It wasn't until somebody was actually there telling me you have two in you or you have three in you That like it actually kind of clicked and I'm like, oh my god, this is actually happening I'm proud of myself I And this is like this goes for almost all the moments in the scene

It wasn't until somebody was actually there telling me you have two in you or you have three in you That like it actually kind of clicked and I'm like, oh my god, this is actually happening I