Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 333-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: March 2, 2016

Sup, Whitefolks! It's diss pimpin', feel me? Tommy's Uncle breaks down the pimpin game for us with all kinds of NOT caucasian flavor! PLUS - a poop soup success story! Should dudes wipe after Yellow?!?! We have a wipegate breakthrough. Where will you stand after this episode! Plus we are back with some AMAZE Kim Ahn audio and it's very NSFW - Glorious. If THAT doesn't turn you on, we also have a man that wants to f**k a rollercoaster. AND a NEW Would Your Rather that is sure to set a new (low) standard!  

This is from Obi-Wan Canoes. This is from Obi-Wan Canoes. Obi-Wan is great. He's in the lab doing his thing. He's a real talent. I think I have to turn my area. I want to hear me more than you. I like my voice better.

Rock up. Pol limited r密 big wrap. To come on your Washington, I'm coming to come all over you guys, March, ten, eleven, twelve Big Ernie and the Ericsons coming with me. Not to Tacoma. Did I say Tacoma for that?

No, she's coming to Sacramento. Oh, the InterSac? The InterSac. To come on you, why am I drawing, Amy Miller's coming to Oh another girl. It's weird, I didn't know that. Send you the panties and you decided.

Yeah, Big Ernie's coming to Sack Town in the nineteen. Cleveland, Steamer, Ohio. Hilarities with the full charge. March, thirty first. April first. April second. Spook, Spook, Sperm Can. Comedy Club is Sperm Can, Washington.

April twenty first through twenty third. Holler at your boy. Get tickets now at TomSigura.com. Jeans? March ninth. I'm at the comedy store with Marylin, Rice Cub, Joe Rogan, Greg Fitzsimmons, and a few other people.

It's a fundraiser for a local school. So come out and do a worthy cause. Help a worthy cause. March ninth, Comedy Store, 8 p.m. April first and second. I'm at Flippers Comedy Club in Burbank, California. April one and two. Four twenty. What?

What? I'm at the Ventura Comedy Club in Ventura County. And then May 27th and May 28th, I'll be at the La Jolla Comedy Store. La Jolla. La Jolla Ratcher in San Diego. Man Diego.

All right. Is there anything else? Oh, that's Deep Bro. Check out that DeepBroPodcast.com. A lot of people write to me and they're like, hey, I thought this show would be really smart and pretentious and it's not. Cause it's not. Why would I make a show like that? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying?

And the whole point is to make a show. It's a great show. Yeah. It's silly. It's still stupid. It's not stupid. I keep it stupid. Keeps it 100. Listen. Go to yourmomsouthpodcast.com A lot of you can check out the clips

on the clips page. People always ask for that. This episode as the as the past three episodes have been recorded. It's on video. I can't say it right still. It's on HD video.

YouTube channel. And you can subscribe which I recommend you do. Please subscribe. Please watch. We do behind the scenes videos. We do little highlights. Bonus stuff. Bonus stuff. Go to yourmomsouthpodcast.com Also, please bookmark that page

to do your Mama's on shopping or Amazon. You hit the Amazon banner. You do the shopping you would normally do and there's a little kickback to the show. Helps us keep blue band employed. Thank you so much.

And we'll see you at the market sometime. So, this episode of your mom's house. First of all, thank you Obi-Wan Canole for that beat. And now it's showtime.

Jeans, are you ready to pull them up? I'm ready. They're so tight right now. I can barely breathe. So tight. Let's do this. I got my name about 18 or 20 years ago. On the low end, actually, you know before I really got my feet wet in the game, right?

Some brothers just started calling me white folks and ever since then it just stuck. This shit is big time. Who is Ramsey? Don't bring anyone mother to this. What the fuck is that? Welcome to your mom's house.

With Tom Segura. Christina Pajitzi. Welcome to your mom's house. Terrible. Fucking history, man. Oh, man.

Oh, man. You know what I'm saying? You know, people be calling me Mr. White folks since I was young before I got my feet wet in the game. He's white though, right? I hope he's white. He's the whitest fucking guy you've ever seen.

It's funny, in this clip it's from a pimp documentary. He goes from Tom to Black. He does Tom or Black the whole time. Are you saying that you think you're Mr. White folks? Is this your lane? I mean, he definitely took

Tom or Black to another level. He'll be in the interview and be like, yeah, so and then he's like, and then you know what I'm saying? Yeah. A hoe could be checked. If she ain't facing the curb, he goes back and forth.

He blacks it up according to that. But he's in, to be fair, he's a pimp. A working, a real pimp. It's pretty remarkable here. That exists, like it still exists.

I thought it didn't exist past the 70s. I didn't really understand until I have a family member that works in Vice and he really broke it down for me one time about just what we glorify pimps because a pimp is like, what's that pimp with your outfit on?

You look like you're pimping tonight. But he was like, they are the absolute pariahs. He works like I said in law enforcement and he said if there's one person in humanity

that I feel like we should just line them up and shoot them because there would be pimps through the woods. I agree. They're total scum fucks. They're just horribly abusive. They just prey on, you know, the law. Messed up girls and then turn them out, beat them up, toss them out. These girls are so

psychologically damaged that they give them everything. Everything. Daddy complex. So he's the daddy and then he takes all the earnings and then beats the shit out of them and treats them like crap. Listen to this. It's horrible. But he's got a cool nickname and that's what I'm saying. Well, that's all that matters.

Okay. Mr. White folks. Mr. White folks. I was about 20 when I really started getting my feet wet. And really, you know, getting this ism under my belt as far as how to communicate,

you know, how to dress, how to finesse. But, you know, I got educated in the hood. You know? Yeah. I feel like that was a blessing for me.

Being Caucasian and, you know, to be able to come to the other side of the fence. To the other side of the fence, you know, and be accepted. And also be able to do some of the things that

some of the great maps of the past that have done. Also, you know, to be recognized cross-country. I mean, he is... He is, he's really a pimp.

Yeah. You are Mr. White folks, it's interesting. Well, I feel like, you know, a lot of things that he's saying, I feel like it's a blessing to me that I could be accepted. You know what I'm saying?

Other folks, you know, being a Caucasian brother and all, having these folks see me as one of them is something that I feel truly blessed about. That was really good. It's not Caucasian. It's only white guys that want to be black.

It's so true. I'm a Caucasian man. Because that's how white people, right? Don't black people call us Caucasians. Well, he's Caucasian. If there's a crime that occurred, that's another way, the time you hear that. Some dude came and he stabbed somebody in the neck.

Caucasian. Yeah. White people don't call each other Caucasian. I'm just hanging out with some of my Caucasian friends. I didn't know you were Caucasian. Caucasian. The last 10 years, I started having a lot of white girls. Yeah.

One thing about white girls, you know, they get less problems with the police, you know. They don't get that much daddy. He's saying white hoes. Yeah. Well, a black bitch be wanting to get in the street next to you, be wanting to fight with the tricks

and fight with the police and talk crazy. She can't take care of no business like that. Yeah. Maybe black hoes don't want to work for you. Yeah. Maybe you suck.

I miss the white folks. I think a lot of white hoes is... More marketable. More marketable. Tricks seem to buy more pussy from a white girl for some reason. I don't think that the female... This is him again.

You hear the transition? It's like Tyra Banks when she would talk to other black people, she'd black it up. So when he's in his car driving around, he's like, you know, but then right now he's in a more formal setting.

I don't think that the females respect the game like they once did because there are hundreds and hundreds of thousands of renegades and outlaws. So he's being interviewed by another Caucasian and now he's talking Caucasian. And it's in a formal setting.

It's in an office or something. So he whites it up when he has to... That's a female that's working and doesn't have a man. That's a renegade or an outlaw. What a piece of shit this guy is. A bitch is not supposed to be in a pimp space unless she's chewed.

First of all... First of all... A bitch is not supposed to be looking at a pimp. She's not supposed to be looking at the motherfucking curb. And when she look up at a pimp she can be broke for reckless eyeballing.

Reckless eyeballing. Hilarious. It's the worst thing that I've ever heard somebody say and it's really funny. I advocate horrible things being said just because of how funny they are. Reckless eyeballing. A bitch can be checked for reckless eyeballing.

A reckless eyeballing is when you looked in a certain way and you weren't supposed to. So stupid. You know what's great about his nickname is you know black people are like what's up Mr. White folks? It's like the most simple...

Go white folks right there. What's up white folks? He's like... He's like in character though. He's ridiculous. When I say reckless eyeballing that means that she's making eye contact with the pimpin

and she may not even be with that man. That's the reason why I say the game is changing. Old days she be under pimp arrest. That's so dumb. He's such a P.O.S. guy. Mr. White folks. So he's hanging out with some pimps in this thing and he does

from the pineapple to the big apple. They all have little expressions and things that rhyme. This is him doing it. This is White folks doing his little pimp rhyme. Is that you? That does sound like you.

I wish you guys could play Tom or Black together like the two of you. Oh man. I don't know. But you're Black is really good. Can we hear his Black again and then you say the same phrase? Here's the second part.

He does another one. That was terrible. That was so fucking dumb. I would write something that dumb. That was so dumb. I got the motion of the ocean. The early rap. When the rappers would be like

what rhymes with lotion? Ocean. You start listening. I listen to Backspin a lot on XM and every once in a while you're here wondering how did this get recorded? Me and my girl

were rubbing the lotion and all she could do was think about swimming in the ocean. You got a record deal with that? That was awesome back then though. No one was doing that. No one had rhymed words in public. Like Mr. White folks.

He does it. You could tell that he holds the air in his chest. Beat him up. Wow. Mr. White folks. Here's the thing. That's the new game.

It's Tom or Black or White folks. Which now there's ABC. It's too easy to play Tom or Black. It's too easy and this shit should be easy. Shit should be easy. That is exactly how it should go.

Tom or Black or Mr. White folks now. This shit should be easy. It's not easy when it's Tom or Black or Mr. White folks. Or Mr. White folks. That's such a good game. What's up Mr. White folks. White folks.

I bet whenever he walks out of the room they're like this is fucking White folks. Yes of course. Most definitely. I'm trying to perpetrate like he's a brother and you know what I'm saying. I'm like you know what I'm saying. He's not.

This reminds me of Brent Weinbach when he was a substitute teacher. He said that the Black kids were calling Mr. Pants. It's like the easiest nickname is ever the obvious thing. Oh there you are. What's up Mr. Pants.

This is like Mr. White folks. Hey Mr. Pants. Oh that's the best. That is the best. That was good. What was the singer that he was saying? You like Kevin Campbell?

Yeah. So funny. What's going on here? That's hilarious. So that was Black. That wasn't you. Right. So imagine we're playing the game right now.

So someone's sitting in studio. Is this me? A Black guy or Mr. White folks? Or a Pimp who's White and thinks he's Black. So it's Tom or Black or White folks? A bitch is not supposed to be looking at a Pimp. When a Pimp ride by they're supposed to be

looking at the motherfucking curve. What do you think? Oh my gosh. I don't know. He has a good, his voice quality at the end sounds Black. That wasn't Black enough for me. Personally, for me.

Because I've heard the master do Tom or Black. Yeah, no, you've heard it. I remember Sydney Castillo, an actual Black person. He went over 10. We got to bring him back. What I think we need to have is a million Mac March on Washington.

And let's check. You understand Bill Clinton and Hillary when they see a million Macs at the gate. And what they going to do then. He went Tom or Black in the middle of it. What are they going to do then? I think we should do them. What are they going to do then?

Oh, I see what you're saying. He switched it up. Who are they going to call? Ghostbusters? This is such a weird setup, by the way, for this. Three Pimps just walk into a hotel room. That's because it's a shitty documentary.

What are these guys doing in the hotel room? Three guys hanging out there? It's so funny. The guy, he looks like top dog. He reminds me of your dad. Like he's not cool at all. It's not like top dog.

He's not like a cool dog. He looks old as fuck. He doesn't look as old as my dad. But he's like his old bald white dude. He's not cool. He looks like all these pimps suck at my fucking dick. He does look like a goofy fucking white guy. He's like a nerd.

He's got no business hanging out with these cool black dudes. It's like he's in a movie and every day he gets to wear the costume. He's been in the role for so long that he thinks he's cool. He should be in Accounts Receivable this guy. He's such a nerd.

It's so funny to see him with these black pimps walking in. He definitely looks like the goofiest fucking guy. What's up? What's up? B leave now. We're talking about other guys.

Yes, but who's your LingTV champion? I really don't know. What? Right there. Right there on every spot in here. As far as being Caucasian in the game. Yes, I had a lot of afar obsticles that I had to autocom to be a criminal.

No. Serves for me. I overcame a lot of obstacles. Eventually, when they saw that I was down for real, they acknowledged me and recognized me. I'm so happy for you. And that's why my name now today rings all across country.

Wow. You can see the guys right now. They're looking at him like, what are you doing? Believe that. You know what I'm saying? He shits whack. His rhymes are whack and he's kind of, yeah. I feel like there's a pimp who would slap him right now.

Yeah. If the right guy was in the room, he would knock that shit off right then. But apparently, he's got enough respect that they don't fuck with him now. I don't know. It's hard to believe. Yeah, you know, I'm on the motion just like the ocean. All the best got to do is come on drink some of my

pimp's love potion. That was so dumb. All the bitches got to do is drink some of my pimp's love potion. So much better. Like when you did that, I was like, is there a black guy in here? Or is white folks here?

Or Caucasian. As a Caucasian, you know what I'm saying? It took a lot to get the respect. I had a lot of obstacles to overcome. Obstacles. Like he's a fucking doctor. And he went to school at night and he went to school at night

and he was like, I don't know. He went to school at night. Right, right. He's the first woman to go to the moon. Jesus Christ. Yeah, please. It's not nothing to be proud of, sir.

Sir. Sir. Sorry, I'm running out of my bag. You all right? Yeah, I'm crushing this bag of almonds I have on the floor. A lot to go over today, Jean. I know. Big day. Mr. White folks. Mr. White folks.

Mr. Paz. Mr. Paz Paz. They would call you Mr. Beard. What's up, Mr. Beard? Hey, Hitler. We got an email. Hey, Hitler and Nicholas. This one. And what?

Are you sure that's not what the clip says? This is an email. Could you read the... It's an email. Hey, Hitler. This one is for Mommy Tina. I just wanted to write and thank you for

your poop soup recipe. Congratulations on that. I'm so glad you got to use that. This goes on. Hold on. Tried and true. Just wanted to give you a shout. Hey, Hitler.

I have been eating pretty shitty. Is that a word? Yes. This one was feeling bad. Bloated and not having great dumps. I needed a cleaning out and instantly thought of your poop soup. This is my first time making it

and I can definitely say it works. Good for you. I am like you in my poop routine. I drink my coffee, then always have a nice poop in the morning. An evening creeper is very rare. Let me tell you. I had your soup around 7 p.m.

and have had two big and only ate 30. I didn't think it would work so quickly. I have quite a bit of soup left over. I look forward to more out of routine dumps. Thanks, Mommy Jeans.

Keep it high and tight, Jen. You got it. Jen, I'm glad you like it. For those of you who don't know my recipe, perhaps we should do a video where I go over the recipe for poop soup and you two could enjoy the same bowel recipe.

I just made poop soup this weekend, Tom. How'd that work out for you? Pretty good. Another listener email begins. Hey, Hitler. Every fucking thing now. Long time listener, first time mailer.

I want to know your expert opinion on wiping after yellowing. I am a man, though I am also Polly and Bi, obviously. And I have started to wipe up the little bit of yellow that is left over after a good yellowing. I know this is kind of a female

thing to do, but I can't stand the feeling of not being totally clean and dry. Shaking it off just ain't cutting it. Know what I'm saying? Also, this is very considerate to my girlfriend since she sometimes puts her mouth on and around my swimsuit area.

And it's always fresh and clean when she removes my high and tight jeans. Yours in wiping, Nick. PS, please come back to South Africa and visit Cape Town. Thanks for the great podcast, Love You Mommies.

He's from South Africa. Do the accent, South African. You're black. Pleasure. Pleasure. I love pleasure. What was her name? She was so sweet. We had a couple.

And her boyfriend, she would say Trava. Pleasure. Trava will be on Friday. And you can see what a pleasure it is to be with him. That's not like Hannibal Legner. Trava. Remove your teeth, Trava. I want to eat them with fava beans.

I do like that he wipes the yellow, because I've seen yellow spots on somebody's boxer shorts. An ex-boyfriend, perhaps? Nope. I see yellow spots on yours, and you make potty. Yeah.

As a man, I have to tell Trava. Nick. I don't know, man. I'm not really into it. Why? I shake, and sometimes it is annoying. You'll shake, you go, I've shaken the yellow off, it's done.

The moment you drop it back in, yellow falls out. Yeah. But it's just some yellow stains. It's fine. Everybody has them. Just deal with it. Yeah, but then the yellow goes on your boxers.

Get black boxers? Yeah, it's so gross. What about when my mouth goes on there? Yeah, but I don't go pee, shake, shake, shake, and then run over and shove it in your mouth. We're talking... Yeah, I feel like it's just a small step that would make you a lot more

hygienic. I don't think you're more hygienic because you wiped your yellow off. I think you're in... loose urine on your boxers. Look, 90% of society doesn't do this. You're trying to say that all men should now start finding...

Usually we're standing at a urinal. There's not even paper around. You'd have to shake it off and be like, hey, man, I don't know. Could you hand me a tissue? What about a paper towel? Could you go give me a paper towel? I'm going to hold my dick until you get back over here. We just don't do that. Okay. I mean, we don't. You just shake it off and then you walk away.

I understand what Nick's saying. There's been times where I've probably just stood at a private bathroom and maybe dabbed it off, but then you get the tissue sticks to. Sure, sure, sure.

Sometimes you wipe the tip off after you jack off and then the paper sticks to it and then later you pull your dick out and you try to pee. It's closed off because the tissue is dry and crusted up with the dry jizz on the end of it and you're kind of pissing all over the place. What is your world like?

It's so disgusting. Men are so gross. Are you doing this on the road? Hopefully not at home. What do you mean? This whole montage that you're describing. It happens all the time. It happens at home too. It happens at home.

I jizz into a lot of your belongings. If you have a purse that I haven't seen you use in a while, I'll jerk off in it. Or sometimes I'll find your shirts and I'll jerk off on them. And then Bitsy finds it.

Oh my god. Hi guys. I feel like we haven't addressed the magnitude of the announcement that our new home

that we're moving to has a big day. Yeah, it's a big deal. It's a big deal and we kind of glossed over it on the last episode. I totally agree. And I feel like I... Next up, brown talk.

Brown talk coming up. You've been warned. Fucking parade at me. Get away from my front door, jerks. Anyways, major brown talk. This will put an end to Wipegate.

That is huge, huge announcement. Wipegate. Because what you're saying is... I like the typing. You normally brown jump in the shower. Yeah, I did this morning.

And what you're saying is that now you're going to brown, have the bidet, clean you off. There's no more shower. Bang, exactly. But here's the the larger move of the whole thing. That bidet toilet is downstairs. Are you sure there's not one in our...

I didn't see it. I'm not 100% sure. I wonder why they would put a bidet on the first floor. Oh, because there's no shower. There's no shower in that toilet. That's why. Wait a minute. That means you're supposed to shower after you shit. After you wipe.

After you shit, you go straight to the shower. And then you go to the shower. I'm telling you, I do an exploratory wipe. Like this morning, I shit. I took one wipe and I was like, there is not enough wipes to clean this. I got a shower. And that's when I go to the shower.

You are the fucking... You're the Kim-an of shitting. So gross. I do one wipe and that's when I decide if it's shower time or more wipe time. That's endless wiping today. And I just figured I hopped on the shower and I did. How does my asshole smell, huh?

But now this means I'm going to have to shit in the downstairs bathroom if I'm not planning on showering. Yeah. Do you know what I found out? Because I asked the lady who's renting the agent. I was like, wait, why is there a bidet?

Were they European? She said that? Yeah, because there are succulent Chinese meals and that's why... I didn't know Asians were into butt cleanliness. I actually know. That's what was there before us and that's why.

Pretty crazy, huh? I didn't know they were into it as much. I feel like I should call our lady right now about... It's hitting me as very important. Let's take a quick pause. This is something we got to take care of. Okay, press pause.

We took care of business that reminded you of our thing. So we had to call the agent. Anyway, yes, they were ching chongs. Babe, you can't say that. It's not a cool thing to say. I apologize to the Asian community for calling

them ching chongs just now. I was just referencing the clip. I'm just sinking deeper into this. Into what? You're going to have a new mix made probably pretty soon of you. Ching chong, ching chong. That's not me originally.

I'm referencing that joke. You want to fuck with my mind? You want to fuck with my mind? It's good, huh? Pretty good. Speaking of that, where were we just on? Oh, the bidet. The bidet. It's a fucking big news.

It's a big day. Not a crazy number of bathrooms. It may sound like we're... Yeah, I'm saying. There's one bathroom downstairs. There's the white folks. And there's two upstairs. One for the master bedroom

and one for the baby to crawl over and use. The baby is supposed to go. It's the post. I'm sick of changing those dives. But the downstairs bathroom has a bidet. A bidet. Because you're supposed to shower after you shit, that's the implication being

that you should be showering after your shit. You should wipe till it hurts and then spray your bathroom. I'm excited to use it. Wait a minute. You're going to use that bathroom? That's the whole point of us having multiple toilets now so that we don't have to

fucking share a bathroom, Tom. I'm sick and tired of sharing a bathroom with you. But if there's somebody that needs up a day, it's my problem. Mine's the hair nest. Mine is the dark Lord's territory. Voldemort of assholes?

Mine's bad. I should have a steady stream. I should have a walk-in today. There should be a stream of water in my asshole right now. I agree. Even when I don't brown, there should be water going. What's it like right now? It wouldn't smell nice,

but it's clean. It's clean, but it doesn't smell good. That's what I think. It's so gross. It's so hot down there. Makes you go... Sometimes when I just pretend to put my finger in your

butthole and I feel the heat coming off of it. It does. It does release heat. It's hot. You know what's so weird? It's not weird. It's an ongoing theme. I can't hold my farts at all lately. You've been mentioning this.

It's constant. I fart everywhere now. It's pretty liberating. It's like your year of pre-farting was it 2014? I think it was 2012. Yeah, because at 2011 it was 2011 going into 2012. No more holding parts.

That was the best. We were at Delta. We were checking in for the flight and you ripped one. And the guy at the other side of the... It was one of those self-checking terminals. He had the monitor in front and he went... And I went... It's 2012, bro.

My fart... reckless abandonment. What I want, what I want. Whatever I want. You farted? Yeah, no shit. Mr. White folks farts while he wants to fart. He farts whatever he wants to fart. But it's a problem when I get massages now

because I really have to clench extra heart and I have to take into consideration what I'm going to eat before the massage. That kind of ruins a mom's massage. Well, I just have to think now, like, oh, I can't have certain food items before. I've spent entire massages holding my bunch together. Me too.

And aren't you terrified of falling asleep? Of course. Because then you know it's going to be... Well, then you're like, oh, maybe it'll be more than a fart. That won't be so good. You can't shart on your stomach. When you're laying on your stomach, you shart. What if you had a real loose, loosey-goosey in there, though? You didn't know it. Yeah.

No. Never? During a massage? No. For pee? For yellow? Yeah, I've done that, like, once or twice. Yeah. I try not to. I'd rather just hold it through the whole thing. That's the worst. But if you relax enough, you don't feel it. True. You got to be that relaxed.

Yeah, you just go... Oh, just use your mind, you know. Yeah, I'm relaxed. I'm relaxed. Yeah. This fart's not going to make any noise. It's not going to start. You can let one of those out. Of course. Of course. And then what does she say?

She's like, I'm going to go get some aromatherapy stuff I left in the other room. She goes, no more pleasure for you, man. Too much pleasure? Too much pleasure? Hi, I'm Kim Ann. Oh, hi.

And I'm here to film and this is such a beautiful villa. We're sitting with the first time of my ever experience in my life with two young men. Yeah, right. First time.

Big, hard cock. No. What? Kim Ann, we're used to having a very safe for work version of Kim Ann where she doesn't say the naughtiest things, you know?

With two gentlemen especially what is amazed is I was able to take a really, really hard long piece into my vagina

as well as my... What do you call that? Rectum? What you'll call that? Rectum. And you thought, oh, this poor lady doesn't even know

what they're about to do to her. She's just like your sweet grandma. Your sweet Thai grandma. How'd you say? I don't know the words. I'm just so innocent. I don't know words for my Rectum.

Gentlemen. Today, we learn that she knows asshole. Asshole. It turns out she does know some of those naughty words. I don't like Kim Ann. This is not the Kim Ann I know. It's not the Kim Ann that we grew up with.

You know, in my house we had Kim Ann on every day. Night and day. And she always made it fun and friendly for people of all ages. Kim Ann. Kim Ann.

Her addiction is ridiculous. I am at a villa about to film. I like how she film. There are many artifacts here. Mitch, no one cares. Artifacts.

The audience is architectural digest. I have not heard my voice in conversation for nearly three years now. For years now. Rectum. And I don't like that she's not referring to gentlemen anymore.

I thought so. And there is so many adventure within me during this past 10 months. This past 10 months. 10 months. That's interesting. There must have been the time that she started doing this stuff. This horrific pornography.

That's about the time she ran out of money. Yeah. I really think she did it for the adventure. I really do. Oh, bullshit. I think Kim Ann was like, you know what? I'm 60 something. I look good. She looks really good.

Her body is amazed. What is amazed? What do you call that? Rectum. What do you call that? I guess she's just calling it. Asshole. Asshole.

Yeah. Asshole. She says it so gingerly. Asshole. No, she doesn't say it like that. Put the pressure. No. Asshole.

She doesn't say it like Kim Jong-il. Yes, she does. No. Kim Ann is more like this. That's true. Wait, two gentlemen. I will say. Asshole. What do you call that?

Rectum. Rectum. Asshole. Let's see what else she says. She whispers it. Asshole. You get what is amazed and gentlemen and penis and rectum. Yeah, I like that.

Now she's like, there's two cocks. Off from here. It's really quaint place. And it's really, really comfortable with a lot of artifacts inside the house as well as outside. Fascinating.

I feel really, really comfortable of being outside. You put those artifacts in your asshole? With the two gentlemen who really treat me very special today. That's the one way of putting it. My ultimate goal is

to really get them to be really, really hot. And I feel that me, Kim Ann have a lot to offer. Even though it's my first time. Bitch, don't lie.

I was a little bit shaking. What? And I feel really satisfied. Satisfied. She sounds so innocent. Fun stuff to my asshole.

This is my first time. And I'm truly satisfied. With my whole body being caressed. Being kissed. And say beautiful words.

No, that's not going to happen. And their touch. And I feel very, very excited. If you heard this description, you would think it's the sweetest lovemaking session. And it is a pig out pounding.

It's standard porn. There's nothing special. Two dudes on a girl porn. Back and forth. And she gets turned the fuck out. It's really unexpected

to be so happy internally. And I got really aroused. I'm going to throw up. And because the physical end of it, I feel they have really, really big

cock. Nine and a half inches. And plus. That is not what she said. She did not say and press. No, she did not. That is terrible. What do you mean?

She did not say nine and a half inches and press. Listen, I'm not a hate monger. I know what I hear and that's just what I heard. I expect to have such

a beautiful experience. She's dressing it up like it was her year abroad. I was painted in a rose garden by this artist. And I never thought I would liberate myself in such a way to allow myself to be

painted nude. She got double fucking blown out, airtight. She's just D.P. by a couple of pigs that they found on the street. Which is interesting that she really romanticizes this whole thing. She's in a villa. Artifacts. She really knows how to talk herself

into something. I was so hot. I'm going to throw up. Especially on the scene that they put the hard cock into my asshole. I mean, I was so

ready to come. I'm just trying to hold my pleasure. Eww. I'm just thrilled to be in the scene. To have them next to me. The body is such perfect.

I look around. It seems like no one heard me. And as I go on towards the end, I seem to be really vocal. Vocal? She did say vocal. I am so excited.

Internally. Even though right now, after the scene, my whole body seems to be still vibrant. My whole body is just shaking. You know, it's so weird that I have the I'm so oddly turned on that I wasn't expecting that.

I think the same way that she wasn't expecting these two guys to enjoy her so much. I wasn't expecting to be so keyed into. Are you one of the gentlemen?

I'm one of the gentlemen. Do you think Kimann I would get along? You know what, what I do like about Kimann is that she seems so sincere. She really does enjoy it. She really had a good of a time that she had. I have to say, of all the porn stars, I think she's the most articulate I've ever

ever heard. She can convey feelings and my body all over. I feel present. Everywhere. I feel so turned on. You're my Asher.

Asher. Asshole. It's weird. She doesn't know. Most of the time, in a sexual sense, people don't go like, yeah, my asshole. Nobody says ass. Put it in my ass. I like things in my

asshole. It's like the Caucasian thing. As a Caucasian, you know what I'm saying? Like a thing in my asshole. Nobody does call it or a butthole. You want to call it a butthole? Put it in my butthole.

Put it in my butthole. I like ass play, butt play. No one says. Asshole. Asshole. She's a real, she's an animal. Hey, can we find Kim Ann? Listen, she's accessible.

Yeah, I'm sure she's in LA. We gotta find Kim Ann. Does anyone know how to get ahold of Kim Ann? Do you want Kim Ann to come over? Yeah, or we'll just call her. I think we should interview Kim Ann. She's a fox. An animal.

It's not as labored like that. Kim Ann is more of a gentle spirit. She's sophisticated. I do think she's educated. This is why I believe that this is an adventure for her. I really believe she is in her 60s

and she goes, you know what? I'm going to do this totally crazy sexual thing where I think it reaffirms to her how attractive she is because she gets the praise. She probably, as an attractive woman, was sexually sought after her whole life. Right.

In her 60s, it starts to begin to decline. She does sex on video, gets live attention, sees comments. I think you're right. She's very body conscious. You can see she works out.

She takes care of herself. You got the big fakies on. I think you might be on to something there, Tom. That's why you should give her a call. She has two degrees, remember? I have two degrees. One. Something important.

I bought a one-way ticket from Thailand to Chicago. I was 15 years old molested by my dad. Still, I guess that's a sign of really happy

that I have the experience with two young gentlemen who really know how to pleasure a woman. Asshole. Wow. Kimman. Good for you. The villa.

The villa in Kenoga Park. Where's the villa? She's filling in. I'm so comfortable here. That's interesting, too. Well, because they usually don't film on beds, right? Like, let's fuck on the cement next to the pool.

Let's fuck on the marble floor. Yeah. It's never on the bed. Where do you think this guy wants to fuck? Do you think this guy wants to fuck somewhere on a bed or no? Oh, my God. After five months,

it's good to see you. What the fuck is this? He's just so noble, so proud, so strong. I not only love him for a sexual attraction, I mean, we're not talking about fetish here. I love him as a mate.

I love the roundness of his counterweights at the top. I love him for the narrowness of his jibs. I love him for the elegant lines of his gondola, which is now covered up for the winter. Oh, boy.

It's an amusement park ride. Yeah, I've seen this documentary. This is the love of inanimate objects. Buildings, cars. He wants to fuck a ride at an amusement park. Right, and these people do put their penis in. Oh, yeah. I saw a documentary where a guy puts his penis.

This is a really big amusement ride. Yeah, he puts his penis into a tailpipe. I know that it's a male. He's attributing gender, for sure. Yeah, because what if that ride goes, excuse me. I don't have a

jib. I don't know the names of the parts of a roller coaster. Oh, boy. This guy. This is someone else. Yeah, someone, he should be able to come in. Yeah. Look, he's talking about their damage. What do you think

his damage? He hates humans. He was so damaged. He got a ferris wheel. Yeah, there you go. His grandpa jacked him off on a ferris wheel. And then grandpa was like, you want to go on a ferris wheel?

And he was like, yeah, grandpa. His grandpa jacked him off. And he goes, don't want to fucking believe you. And then he gave him popcorn and he was like, eat it. Because he looks pretty heavy. And then now he's like, I

want to fuck all the roller coasters. And he really just needs to go kill his grandpa. Right. But do you think the popcorn made the event pleasurable? You know what I mean? Like it kind of got negative, but he made a positive funnel cake. Yeah.

Funnel cake at the amusement, at the parks is really a big thing. Everybody loves it because it's hard to come by a funnel cake. Now imagine you're getting finger blasted, but then someone's feeding you funnel cake. It negates the negative part of the molestation. But there's tastes in my mouth that are good.

This is good. This is good. And your grandpa is like, nah. Yeah, grandpa. And your grandpa is Mr. White folks. He's like, oh shit. I love the way it feels right now. I like the ribbing up underneath his name display there too.

Oh yeah. The parallel lines that are coming down. Jesus. Someone should smack this shit out of this guy. I love that. Oh. He's so happy looking at it. He looks like somebody whispered in his ear.

I think it's grandpa. I'm going to make you come. We're going for another ride. And he's like, hmm. He's so gross. He literally just looked up and giggled at the roller coaster like they had a connection.

It's so weird. He's laughing right now. I'm thinking, oh jeez. You know what I'm thinking about. This is very personal. When I make love to him at home. When I start climaxing.

I just keep saying over and over again. Just as I'm starting to go over the edge, I just tell him I want your fluids. I want your fluids. I want your fluids. What? He's kissing the ride right now.

Jesus. I want your fluids. I want your fluids. I want your fluids. What the fuck is wrong with this kid, man? There's a lot. A lot. He's got a lot of problems. This is like, he's so far gone.

He's so far gone. Yeah. Pretty cool. Where is this ride? I don't know. It looks like somewhere shitty. It's all overcast and shitty. God, man.

It's a tough, tough world. I love it. Yeah. Is there, there's no inanimate object you would put your painter in? No. I can't really think of one that I'd be that into. You?

I guess actually for women it makes kind of a little more sense because women are sold the whole, you know, shove this up inside of you. Okay. That's true, Tom. That's a good point. No, I'm serious. There was a girl in love with, was it the Berlin Wall?

Or some wall. Anyway, she took like a piece of the wall and would have sex with that. That's another way these people have relations with inanimate objects. That's concrete. Something like that. We're kissing it, I remember.

He just, he's really just, he's kissing the side of it right now. Oh my Christ, what happened? He's kissing. He's kissing it. It's alarming.

Yeah. It's like giggling and stuff. I don't get how. I did not expect to find a fence like this here at all. It was just somebody else. But I don't get what he says, like, when I make love to this ride at home. Again, it could, maybe it's a miniature

of it that he has or a piece of it. I want your fluid, I want your fluid, I want your fluid. I do believe that. I don't know. It was good entertainment. Yeah, it's good. It's like, I love this car.

He just takes his dick. The car thing is, yeah. But the car, I kind of understand. Cars are very sexy. Some of them are very, their lines are feminine. I guess that would fuck a car. Jaguar, those old ones that I like. Sure.

Which car would you fuck? Let's keep it real. Probably a Ford F-150. Pick up truck. That's a pretty macho car. I wouldn't have pegged that for you. Never mind. Yeah, I would just open the tailgate.

And then slam my dick into the thing. Yeah, close it on it. And then fuck it. Yeah. Somebody's doing that right now. There's sexy, there are definitely sexy looking, you know, mom's roddies. Mom's roddies.

Remember we saw a Shelby. What was that called on the road? That was beautiful. Sexy car. Ferraris are usually pretty sexy, a lot of them. Yeah. I think the F-12 is very sensual, right? Sensual.

I think it's very sensual. Yeah, a lot of that Jaguar's are that sleek design. I love Jaguars. Those are very sexy cars. Yeah, I think you're right. I think people should fuck their car more often. Point of story is fuck your cars. When you get home tonight,

burn fuck your car. Do it right now on the side of the highway. How many people jerk off in their cars do you think? A lot. So many. I've done it a couple of times. Not with any... As you're driving?

It's emergency jerks, but I've never... It's not a regular routine, but I think there's probably thousands of people that jerk off on the way to work every day. Right now. Why don't you take them there? You're talking through it.

Pull that big ol' cock out. Your grandpa's back. Grandpa's here. I'm taking you on the ride. You want the funnel cake, don't you? There's funnel cake if you come, kid. Are you there? Are you coming yet?

Is your dick hard for grandpa? God, now I want funnel cake. That stuff is hard to come by. I want my grandpa here. There's lots of dudes jerk off in their cars. Few women do, too, for sure. Of course. They probably have a little...

on the end of their keychain. It's probably easier for a woman than a dude. That is so stupid what you just did. Never do that again. That was terrible. Yeah. I just had nine rather powerful orgasmic sensations full of my entire body.

Orgasmic sensations? Yeah. Full of my entire body. What's up, you fucking nerd? Nerd, burglar. What did you say, orgasmic sensations? You just said I just came nine times. Yeah.

I just came with my dad's funeral nine times. When you're on your knees at your father's funeral at his casket and you're saying goodbye to him and then you have nine orgasms right there while your whole family is standing behind you just makes you never want to have

another orgasm as long as you do. But you know what? You just keep on coming. That's hilarious. That's the best. That is the best. I love the imagery of your granddad jerking you off on a Ferris wheel.

Oh, thank you. Thank you. Really funny. And then he has a funnel cake. Eat it. That's what he tells you. So you remember the funnel cake. He doesn't bring up the jerking off.

Just the funnel cake. Tell him how much fun we had on that ride. Weird funnel cake. What is funnel cake? It's good for you. It's just kale that's worked down. It's broccoli.

It's fried kale. It's kind of bad, but not bad for you. Not too bad. And then they put powdered cauliflower on top. You can have three, four, five sitting and you feel fine. Man, you eat some of that. You feel sick as fuck.

That and crispy cream, it's the same thing. It's just dough. Fried dough and sugar. It's good for you. I don't need it. Stop bringing me fucking treats. Because I love you. Speaking of cocks.

How do you feel about this? Yeah, you like uncircumcised guys as I recall, right? Yeah. Yeah, I like redheads. Redheads? I'm close to it, Blonde. What's wrong?

We hang out for a little bit. I don't know how much money do you want? How much can you give me? Twenty. Thirty? Okay, come on. Thirty bucks? That's all these words? Thirty bucks.

He's got bad hooker math. Dude, I should be out there making that money. Thirty bucks is not that much. I'm saying if this guy can pull 30, maybe I can pull more. Especially with your big bear following? Yep. But wait, do you suck that guy's dick for $30?

No. I pull it out and I show him this big uncircumcised cock that he likes. Oh, right, okay. And then $30. Yeah, you like uncircumcised guys as I recall, right? I like that he says as I recall.

He's like, aren't you the guy that liked Malbecs? We had that conversation that one time. You have a certain you have a palette that I remember. As I recall. He's the concierge. You're the guy that likes Italian novels.

Is that not right? You're like those uncircumcised cocks as I recall. So now they've agreed on 30 bucks. Wow, that's not a lot. And they walk into the John's apartment building. Okay.

You have to call before you come over. I never come uninvited. Don't worry about that. So the mics are on but the cameras stayed outside because I don't think the guy knew that the guy was mic'd, right? Because basically this is a heroin addict.

So he's just trying to get money out of anything. This is another funny, funny clip that you're playing. So... Okay. Don't take the joy in the fun out of it. Sure, sure. I'm glad you told me the background.

So now the guy... You've got a beautiful dick. So the John goes, you've got a beautiful dick. Right. So he pulled out that big old uncircumcised cock. So you've got any cum in those bowls? It tastes good. So you've got any cum in those bowls?

Yeah, he probably wiped the pee off of it. That's why. Probably cleaned the pee off. The yellow off the end. And then he goes, you got any cum in those bowls? What a stupid question. Of course there's cum in those bowls, dummy. You've got to earn it though. I'm not just going to give it to you, grandpa.

What if the kid starts talking shit to his grandpa? And that's how this whole thing really... Yeah, there's cum in these balls, grandpa. Stupid old asshole. Fuck. Do you know how this shit works? Exactly. You can write out balls before you stupid prick. I don't talk to your grandpa like that.

I don't know if I don't care. Suck my dick, grandpa. Give me $30. Give me $30 to get all the fucking things I fucking want. Yeah, you like uncircumcised guys as I recall, right? Yeah. If I am not mistaken, you are... You're a lordship.

Who prefers the uncut penis, if you will. Speaking of his lordship... Babe, it's over. I know. I don't like it. I'm very upset about this. This is the final season of Downton Abbey. You're a Downton daddy. I'm a Downton mommy. This is very upsetting.

It's very upsetting. Wait, can I say one feeling about the show? I do feel as though it's jumped the shark a bit. Here's why. There's two scenes that were lunacy. Number one is his lordship spewing blood at the dinner table. Spewing is an understatement. He was vomiting with such violence. It was a little ridiculous.

It was too far. For Downton, that was a crazy thing to happen. And then this car wreck that happens at the stupid race. Those are pussy kills drivers. Well, that's the point. Lady Mary's pussy kills people. We all knew that. But that was a far out scene, too, for Downton.

It kind of jumped the shark. Nothing actually happens on Downton Abbey. The biggest thing that ever happened was Sybil's death. Every other thing is like, You're wearing the wrong tuxedo to dinner, my lord. What type of man travels with only his white tits? Right. What if the whole episode is dealing with Branson's wrong tuxedo?

I thought they also, this season, they would hit certain beats too repeatedly. For instance, Carson and Hughes get married, right? Right, I like that storyline. I like the storyline, too. But him being underwhelmed by her homemaking skills, they hit it like six, seven times before. It's just repetitive. He doesn't like that she didn't cook.

And then the next scene, he was like, Are you going to ask Mrs. Pat Moore for help? And then in the next episode, he's like, Are you cooking again? We understand you've already established it, but it seems like they kept going to the well over and over for that one. That's true. I thought it was repetitive.

That's true. Plus, the resolution was pretty clever. It was a cute scene where she tricks him. It was cute, but I don't know, man. I was like, uh-uh, bitch. She should have pushed back on Carson. I wonder if this, because we haven't seen the finale, and I'm sure some people in the UK for sure have,

will he pull out that thick Carson cock we've been talking about? Ah, yes. Well... Is he on circumcised? In English, he probably is on circumcised. So we're going to get repeal. Oh, and there's a brand new Golden Retriever. There is.

Mrs. Hughes. As I recall, you like on circumcised cocks, do you not? Oh, Mr. Carson. Of course I do. Where's my funnel kick? Mrs. Padmore's made us a funnel kick. It's very exciting.

And I'm excited that, uh, what's her name's having a baby with what's his cocks? Who? You know, uh, Lady Mary's, no, not Rose. She hasn't been on the season. Lady Mary's, uh, made. What's her name? Oh, Mrs. Bates.

Mr. Bates and Master Bates. They're having a kid, which is sweet, sweet storyline. I think Branson's going to hook up with Lady Mary. That's my prediction. I'm telling you, final episode, Violet's dead. I don't like that. Violet is dead. I love cousin Violet.

She's my absolute favorite character. That's my cousin Violet impression. Oh! It appears to me how low her tits are. And I've seen her in other things, like in Harry Potter movies. Her tits are way too low. And I'm not saying, I'm not to blame her.

I'm just saying there's proper bras you can buy to... It's accurate. You know, it's fucking 1926, man. They didn't have... But even at Hogwarts, when she teaches... That's different, though. Her tits are way low at Hogwarts, too. Oh, oh, oh!

Oh, you're complaining about a magical bra for that. They're too low in that. Look at her tits in that, in all the Harry Potter movies. And they're to her knees. Terrible. You have a direct line to her now. What's her name?

Her name is Mary. I love her. She's really fantastic. She is my absolute favorite. She's such a great actor. But, honey, your tits are too low. You have to buy the right bra. Countess Violet Crowley.

Countess Violet Crowley. What's her name? The Dowager Countess Lady. What's her fuck? McGarnacle is her name, right? She's supposed to be 84. Dude, really? I'm seeing all the fake information about her.

Oh, she's the best. The character is played by... By? Oh, for fuck's sake. Oh, God. So annoying. Violet? No.

That's her fake name. I know, I'm trying to find out her real name. Maggie Smith. Maggie Smith. Maggie. We love you. You're amazing actors. You need to get your tits hoisted up.

She's 81. But that's even less of an excuse. You need to have a bra fitted. She's got to go to Nordstrom. Ask for Rachel. And they'll fit you. As someone that has huge tits. Fix your tits.

Your tits are really going to dangle. They're so soggy now from having a kid. They are a disaster. They're a fucking... They look like deflated. You're such a liar. Oh, my God. No, they're destroyed. You're a liar. I'm going to have to have a boob job.

I'm serious. Just lift them and reduce them. They're huge. You're such a liar. Why are you doing this? You're bullshitting right now. Can we talk about Better Call Saul? Yeah, it's really fantastic. Love it. I'm so stoked the show is back.

I love this fucking show for a million reasons. It's an underdog story. I love that he says fuck you to the elitist lawyers and he starts his own thing. My favorite part about it is really what I loved also about I'm sure you're doing something to that. I'm not.

Is what I loved about Breaking Bad too. And that is there's this idea amongst people that people are either all good or all bad. He's a good guy. He's a bad guy. But the reality is is that people are complicated.

And people who you perceive to be bad very rarely are they just bad and born bad. From the get go, just bad people. Most pieces of shit that you meet

they got there through a number of things that happened. It was in a way the story of Breaking Bad how you see him. Yes, go to the dark side of the floors. And then with Better Call Saul you're seeing little things lead to somebody

changing their ethics, changing who they are and ending up slipping Jimmy. He starts off as slipping Jimmy and then he tries to redeem himself and work at his brother's law from they reject him and then he goes back to being a POS basically.

But I love I love the character. It's really great. Really neat. Neat. Speaking of neat stuff we have the trailer for the new Steven Seagal move.

Now we saw this. Where do we see this? This is not on Netflix. No, the trailer we watched it on YouTube. Yeah. This is his new trailer. See if you can figure out what's happening. This movie is called Sniper Ultimate Snipes.

Sniper Special Ops. Oh, Sniper Special Ops? Is that it? Yeah. Ultimate Snipe Ops. Sniping. Always sniping. Never not sniping 5. Hey Vic, I've been thinking about that 50 bucks out of you.

60 bucks. How about I knock on $5 every time I save your ass? How about we double down? No deal. Cover our move. Miller, fucking move it! I'm trying to imagine how unbearable he is during production on something

with guns where he's like then I'll shoot over here and they're like well the way that we are choreographing and he's like, I said I'm shooting. Okay. I shot one of these back in Iraq. Were you fighting in the war? No. I could have.

I probably would have been lead sniper. That's not really a term. Yes it is. By the way, is this supposed to be Afghanistan or Iraq? Clearly just, I don't know. Nevada?

It might be Calabasas. It's bad. There's one set you can tell. One area that they shot the entire film in and that they just cover with netting to make it look like it's a war zone. Everything's like clean, like the roads are all paved. We can't hold the position any longer!

Shake their move! Get out of here! Wow, looks like Segal never misses. I wonder why that is. I mean I am the king of improv if you're forgetting what I'm saying. No, I didn't. I should go back.

His goatee is getting darker and blacker. It's like the older he gets his pores are naturally making the beard darker and darker. It's interesting because usually that doesn't happen. Usually it doesn't.

But he's reverse aging. Even the other actors have natural colors in their facial hair. You didn't make it out, huh? No. You're missing four men. They all casualties? No.

I made your Taliban forces head in our direction. It is California. No one understands that. We should do a contest if people can understand what's going on in this film. Just like in Maximum Kickage. Where nothing makes any sense. This is another Steven Stig.

Did he write this? He's getting down tomorrow. I brought the other prisoners to let them out. I'll watch the place while you're here. But he has to play a badass. He's always got to be the one who's like they said I couldn't deliver the prisoners but I did. I kicked some ass.

I kicked everybody's ass. I would kick an ass for 140 years. Ass. Looks like a... Rob Van Damme. Right. The cousin of John Claude? Yes. Great place for an ambush. It's like bad special effects.

No. You know what it is? It's like if they asked a nine-year-old boy to write a movie and he's like and then they kill people. Then the helicopter comes over and I'll shoot and there's another explosion. Right.

Go! Oh my god. Nothing could be worse. Wow. They put that in the trailer. That's so weird. What an interesting choice. What an interesting, interesting choice. That should be the trailer, the whole thing.

So make sure you go see Sniper Special Ops. Is that really the title? Yes. Sniper. Is that Semi-Colon? Special Ops? Colin. Sniper Special Ops. That's the name of his film. Wow. Can we watch it?

Is it straight to DVD? No. I'm sure it's a huge theatrical release. Yeah. We got to watch this and review it. Yeah. It'll be hard to get through. No. What are you talking about? It's like Maximum Kickage. We lasted 10 minutes on that one.

Maximum Kickage. But he's kicking the Taliban's ass, which is something I'd like to see that. The Taliban? He's fucking Haji. Okay. Let me throw this at you. Put your tits in a vice for a second with this.

So... Guy writes in... This is such a crazy thing to write. He says, Hi, James. Do I have a story for you? First of all, let me start by saying that very, very often, after I brown,

wipe, pull my pants up, left over yellow will need to come right out. I'd say about 50% of the time, I will need to yellow after browning. Yes. Also, I can toot while making yellow with ease. I don't even need to break stream.

Right. Okay. Thanks. Now on to the good stuff. I was recently having a conversation with my pal. I saw my jaw on the floor and put wipe gate to shame. Okay.

Wipe gate. Okay. Let's see what he says. I was having a conversation about browning with my buddy as we quite often do. At one point in the conversation, he exclaims, you know when you're at someone's house

and you're having a real messy brown, so you have to prop your butt up on the sink and splash water on your hole because you can't just jump in the shower. Needless to say, I was in shock and replied, are you effing kidding me? To which he responded,

shut up, everyone has done that. The conversation continued and he divulged that he had done this many times at people's homes, but assured me he had never done it at my house. Liar. Anyhow, I immediately started shaming him and let my other pals know what a savage animal he is. Splashing

poopy water with his poopy buns on your sink. The one where you wash your face and brush your teeth. I am truly speechless Christopher. I gotta say, that is one of the fucking craziest things I've ever heard. I cannot imagine

that this man holds down a job or is part of our... Or has teeth. He shouldn't be a functioning member of society. He puts his asshole into your sink and splashes water in there because he can't get in the shower.

It does kind of feel like your world though. That's not my world. What do you think of this? No, I think this is appalling. I don't think the sink is a place for your dirty asshole, which is why the shower is an exemplary place for you. What if you can't get to the shower?

Would you do what he did and put your butthole up in there? No, that's completely inappropriate. No, it's wrong. It's not right. Because people's faces and mouths are there. It feels clean that way. See, I don't know why you wouldn't... Let's say you're in that dire situation. Right.

Wouldn't you take the paper and just wet the paper? Tom, that's a really neat point. That's exactly what I would do. Neat was what I was going for. I'm glad you came across as neat as I intended it to. Back to your question. Yes, I agree with you. In that situation, I would wet the paper towel

and I would wipe accordingly. But I would not put my anus up to somebody's sink. That's completely inappropriate. No, unacceptable. I mean, look, and I know you guys are like, Why didn't you use a wet wipe? That doesn't do shit.

If you've got a shitty asshole... The wet wipe just delays the inevitable trip to the shower for me. Cool stuff. Slick stuff. Neat stuff. Yeah, it is very much what you should be doing. I feel like since the episiotomy,

my wipes are even messier and my butthole is not as close as it used to be. Why tore it? What am I supposed to do? Brown just comes on out. What? It farts the brown everything.

What part don't you like? What part? You saw it. What did I see? You saw it get blown out. I didn't. You didn't watch that part. Oh, do it again. How did you go?

Grandpa, make me come right now. Would you rather watch that or let your grandpa make you come? Jesus Christ. Of course I'd rather watch that. That's not a good one. Would you rather watch something kind of

unpleasant? The regular medical procedure or get molested by your grandpa? That's not how it works. How about this one? Would you rather be retarded or

let your grandpa whatever the other thing is is what you would do. Why? It's always the other thing. No one wants to be retarded. Why?

Who wants to be retarded? Nobody would take that. But you don't know you're retarded. No, you don't. You don't think retarded people know they're retarded? That's just reality for them. They know that you're way smarter.

Of course they do. They do. The world is fine. I want to go somewhere. Wait a minute. Who's making fun of retards? If you're retarded, you definitely know you're retarded. I don't think they know.

They go, can I have $5 to go to the thing? You've got to give it to them because they know they don't make retarded money. They don't have jobs. What? I think it's like anything else. This is the craziest thing.

When you grow up a certain way you don't know that it's weird. You know what I mean? You didn't know he's retarded when he was 4 but when he's 16 he knows he's retarded. I don't know about that. Let's ask a retarded person. They know they're different.

But it doesn't mean as much to them because that's their reality. Let me get this straight. You're proposing would I rather be retarded and maybe I'm aware of it or get molested? Yeah. Or get molested.

This is the worst thing ever. By your granddad. But you get the funnel cake. See, so that's kind of a good twist at the end. As much funnel cake as you want though. See, now it's kind of

a hard thing to answer. I like that. I feel like definitely get molested. Yeah. Definitely. Over favorite. And coming in my

grandpa's old callous hands. Yeah. But think of it this way. You could be Tom Segura retarded comedian. Babe. Oh, you'd be such a hit. No, I wouldn't. There's no such thing as a retarded comedian.

But imagine if you could say the jokes you do now as a retarded comedian. I would never think of those. I would never write these. And you guys ever make a shit and you're like, this count as exercise. Babe.

What? That was so cruel what you just did. There's no retarded listeners that don't care. What are you talking about? I don't think so. Would you like to do your act like that? That's bad.

That's talking on target, bitch. That's an old joke. I don't even do that. I don't even do that. I always go to Target. Now, who's doing it? That's offensive. You're more offensive. And I met my cousin on the airplane.

I said, hey, Mike, you like Netflix? Go watch my show. And then you'd be on Conan. I had a baby. And Conan's like, oh, that's nice. Target people have babies? Babe, you would not say that. This is horrible.

You should be ashamed of yourself. Oh, I'm really upset. I can't believe that you... You don't like my would you rather? You would choose Melissa. Maybe you laugh so hard I sweat. Of course.

What would you choose? The retarded touring comic? The mother of your baby with your retarded tits shooting retarded milk into him? Giving him retard juice every day? Oh, my retarded tits. You got slobber all over it.

It was terrible. You crying? Just the idea of retarded mom with my normal kid? Babe. That doesn't happen. We're going straight to hell after this episode. The show has gotten Hitler retarded people.

What's going on? Granddad jerking you off. What's going on? I don't know. I'm trying to feed my baby. I'm going to comedy stall tonight. They would treat you real nice at the store. Oh, God.

Hey, the fucking retards up next. Those savages? Oh, my God. But no, seriously, you should consider it. Yeah. Oh, my God. I don't know if we can even follow that with anything.

I wish you would have had this. I know. That was funny. Wasn't there a good song I wanted to play? Yeah. I think there's people that would choose being retarded. Someone out there is like, it's got to be better

being retarded. Dude, you're not even thinking about it. What are retarded people's lives like? What if you just had a nice job at the grocery store bagging groceries? You probably have friends and stuff. It's not a bad life, right? I mean, look,

there are things worse, but for you to be like, hey, what would you rather do? It's kind of crazy. Okay. I'm kind of like... I'm tapped out. Hey, Hitler. Hey, Hitler.

No, we didn't. Hey, Hitler. That's a snort. No. I have not heard this. Is it not playing? What happened? I haven't heard it.

We played it on the last episode to open it. Hey, Hitler. Hey, Hitler. I didn't hear the snort then. I'm sweating so much from laughing so hard. Hey, Hitler. Oh, man.

Okay. Alright, let's go. I love you guys. Oh, we got to go now? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thanks guys for listening. Yourmomshousepodcast.com and we'll be back soon.

And the new studio. Huge. It's a big deal. Bye, guys. Bye, mommies. Bye, Hitler. Bye, darling. Chill out. Bye, darling. Chill out. Bye, darling. Chill out.

Bye, Hitler. Have a good evening. I'll get it from the bathroom. I'll get it from the bathroom. I'll get it from the bathroom. I'll get it. I'll get it. Thank you.