Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 337-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: March 30, 2016

We'd like to dedicate this episode to all those days when you're feeling a little down, a little alone, a little like a d-bag that would dedicate an episode to someone.  We got that Crazie Locs jam you know you want cause this time someone ELSE made it better.  La Croix is French. Unless you are Tina jeans then you're all, "it's LA CROY."  Plus we listen to what Tommy thought was Hungarian and ended up just being abusive! This is the kind of episode that'll have you wondering aloud, Where's The C*m?

Okay. Okay. This is from Dorian Matthews. Thanks, Big D. Okay, LinkedIn is helpful. LinkedIn is helpful. Twitter. I mean, it's fucking bullshit for dog trainers. It's good to be back in the dome. We are very excited. I'm very excited to tell you that I'll be in Cleveland steamer this weekend, Thursday through Saturday, five shows at the great hilarities. You ever go to hilarities? No, I did the club. You always did the dump, but when you go to hilarity, you mean the Cleveland improv, that shit hole, only part of a massive chain of Premier County clubs in America? No, that's not what I'm talking about. Which dump? Talking about the Rock Club. The Rock Club. Yeah. The Cleveland Rock Club? Yeah, there's

a Rock Club. You can do stand up. Oh, I don't know. Sorry. Okay. Okay. LinkedIn. LinkedIn is helpful. I'm going to be there through Saturday. Saturday is sold out. I think Friday is pretty close. Get tickets if you want to, Cleveland. I'll be there. I'm going to sperm can in sperm can Washington's spoken comedy club, April 21st through 23rd. And then jack me off. Somebody suggested another one. Is it in there? It is, right? Let me pull it up. Let me see. Okay. We prefer to be called fudge packs and villains. That's good. Not jacks off villains. So I'm going to fudge packs and bill. Fair enough. The tribe is spoken in Florida. And that is April 5th through 7th. Those tickets are on sale. And then boy, did we get some

suggestions from people about what is otherwise known as Syracuse New York. I know those ported man, April, excuse me, May 20th through 22nd through 21st. I mean, it's just two days, I guess. Oh, here you go. In Syracuse, that's from Dam Daniel. Sarah's pubes from Kellen, sewer pubes from Alex, sucker juice from John, and sorry excuse from Seth. I like Sarah's pubes. That's pretty good. Who's Sarah? I will also be in New Pork Shitty doing Caroline's on Broadway. That's September 8th, 9th and 10th. The Trocadero Theater in Philhar up Delphia, Pennsylvania. November 19th. It's a ways off, but those tickets have been moving. I also added some new shows. I don't want to say them because they're not on the site yet, but I am going to

another city in the great state of New York. Anyhow, jeans, what do you got? This weekend, April 1st and 2nd. I'm at Flappers Comedy Club in Sperm Bank, California. Flappers come see me April 7th at the Irvine Improv in Irvine, California, not Irvine, Greece. Right. April 20th, 8 p.m. show at the Ventura Comedy Club. Happy birthday, who? On April 20th. Hey, Hitler. That's right. May 27th and May 28th, the comedy store in La Jolla in La Jolla, California. And also, I'm at the comedy store most Saturdays at the early show because I have a three-month-old child and I wake up at 6 in the morning. That's what's up. It's better to do the early show. What's wrong with you? That's it. That's what I got. Jeans. Oh, listen to that. It's deep, bro. That's the podcast.com.

Also, Amazon, if you shop on Amazon and I hope you do to make your life easier, please use our banner. Go to your mom's house podcast.clom.clam. Go to the home page. There's a banner. Click on it. I say bookmark that page. Make your life easier. Absolutely. Do you know our friend Jimmy, our good friend, shops on Amazon all the time and doesn't use our banner? That's not cool. No. It's supposed to be a friend. It's supposed to be. And I know a lot of you are like, oh, shoot, I forgot. Well, stop forgetting. Please. Help your mom's. Help your mom's. What was that? I don't know. That might be. That was a sign. Is that messenger? It was. It was like, you know what I'm saying? No, that wasn't my messenger. What is that? That may be the end of the song. Oh, okay. Okay. There you go.

Hey, my song's over. I can, there's one way to find out. Like Dan is helpful. No. Cool. Okay. All right, LinkedIn. Here we go. You want to do this? Yeah, start our show, man. That's why I'm here. That's why I'm a hero. That's why. Here's your dad. And there we go. That's my dad. Not my dad. There is all this gossip going on about me and Selena Gomez and I have been laughing the whole time. This is big time. Who is Ryan? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house with Don Segura. Christina. Welcome to your mom's house. I think I'm going to get drums.

That was a little loud. You think that's loud? I just like it. My drum set. Oh my God. What a great idea. Yeah. Where are you going to play them? I don't know. I'll put them next to my turntables and just kind of go back and forth. How about in the baby's room? You know, you always joke like that that everything we get has to be in the baby's room. Why can't I set them up somewhere else? Where? In that sitting room downstairs? Yeah, that sounds like fun. You know? What do you think? Yeah. I don't want to dream crush you. So far, everything that I say I want to do, you go like, oh God. You got it. I'm just that dream crusher wife. I never say no to you. You said that to my turntables.

Oh, that's different. Why is that different? Here's the only reason I discourage DJ Dad Mouth. DJ Poly by Dad Mouth is because you've already got a successful career in stand-up and now you're going to embark on a second career. Yeah. Yeah. Hey Hitler. Yeah. Are you saying I'm fine? Why does it have to be a career, not like something I just enjoy doing? Again. Yeah, go ahead. You're always like, you already have a career. Right. So I can't do it for not a career. You can do it. Do whatever the fuck you want. No one cares. Me and the baby are going to leave. We're going to go down. See? What? Nobody wants to hear you DJ in the house. What if I want to DJ? Nobody wants it. But I want it. If you get DJ with just headphones on quietly

in another house, that would be fine. Wait, why don't you go to another house? I don't want to hear fucking whatever. I'm not going to put it on a huge speaker. Yeah. Why can't I listen with my headphones on? Okay. Yeah. God, you're such a dream crusher. What? Dream crush city right here. Seriously, it's really, really bad. No, I'm going to get a drum set. Okay. Where do you want me to put it in your bedroom? Yeah, sure. Okay. What's up with this guy? Oh, I got it. What's wrong? My headphones fell off. Do you know I have to shit right now? Can we do the show or do you need to take a shit? There is all this gossip going on about me and Selena Gomez and I have been laughing the whole time.

That's awesome. Yeah, it's me. That's really great. What is that? Why is that happening to me? I don't even know what is that? What's that? What app is that? I don't know. It's just yeah, it is. It's really bad. Can you put it on silent mute button? Yeah, hold on. Already made it. All right. Oh boy. That's okay. Preferences. That's where I do it, right? In my preferences, probably. I'll just sign out right here. I'll just sign out. Yeah, so it doesn't happen anymore. There you go. Okay. Well, you know, it should happen sometimes. Speaking of shit, do you have to shit now or can we do our show? I know you shit 20 times a day. I don't know if this show impedes on your shitting schedule. Well, what do you think of your dad and Selena Gomez?

Not my dad. My dad's one. I mean, it's harmless. I keep telling Selena not to worry about it. I mean, how creepy is this guy though? I don't like him at all. And Selena Gomez, isn't she like a teenager or early twenties or something? Sure. She's not interested in that guy. You don't think so? The way that he holds his microphone when he makes his videos? What's his deal? It's annoying to me. I think he's annoying. You think he's annoying? Yeah. It's one of those things like, I will not let you blow me. Like he's just making attention. They're going to talk about you, good or bad. If a person gets mad, they get teased more. I mean, me and Selena are famous so they're going to talk anyway. Then my 14 year old son, Jacob Herod gets jealous and mad. So I have

to settle him down. One of the things I think would be really funny though, is to make a video like this. If your kid's being an asshole, because imagine how upset his son, like if his son's a dick and he goes, all right, I'm just sick of you being like this. And he starts posting videos like this. Imagine what a 14 year old boy would do. It's terrible. You know, he reminds me of, do you remember Poltergeist and that guy that God is in hands? Holy damn ball. That old man. That's him. I like this guy's laugh though. Settle him down. I could see you with a guy like that. Yeah, you got it. Do you ever do that where you see people and you go, oh, I could see my spouse with them. I see that sometimes. No, actually, I don't. You know why?

Because the thought sickens me if you were to be with another woman, I would fucking kill both of you. Well, I see a guy like this and I go, I see Christina and him living together. I see you guys making out. His mouth smells so bad. He has a lot of plaque on his teeth. He doesn't do even bi-yearly cleanings. His mouth is a cesspool. It's all yellow and it's all dad. I bet his penis is not the same color as the rest of his skin. I know you're talking about. What color do you think it is? I think it's more yellow than his actual skin. I think it's purple. Oh, really? Yeah. Because if you look at the rest of him, he's got a purpley tones to his disgusting gums and mouth. It's usually the same color as your penis. I think he has a liver deficiency

and that his penis and his testicles are yellow. Not like a highlighter, just yellow hues. Look at the dick detectives. I wish we could find out the answer to this mystery. That's the thing we really need. We'll never know. Well, so you say, my friend, so you say, I think it's possible that we could find out. But you've got to be up for the challenge. Bass guitar. What if I get a bass guitar? Can I tell you, probably one of my nightmares is you getting a guitar and then like, babe, babe, I wrote this tune for you. Listen, listen, and then you make me listen to you play the guitar and sing. Like we saw on the real Beverly Hills Surgeons. Yeah. Oh, my God. And they had an outdoor thing. God, there's nothing worse than

watching someone play the acoustic guitar and sing at you. It makes me so uncomfortable. God. God damn it. And you have to act like that was really good. Thank you. I wrote this song. Oh, my God. They always tell you the, you know, the history. Oh, yeah. One time a buddy of mine, we went out to eat and we couldn't find what we wanted. So I wrote this song. It's about, sometimes you don't find what you want in life, but you end up being happy with what you got. Here we go. It's kind of the Rolling Stones. Yeah. Celebrity. Nothing is worse than people, yeah, who's a vocation is guitar singing and writing songs. I had a neighbor that lived underneath me when I was in my 20s that would sing and all night long and he would sing one song.

So all you hear over and over is like the same shit. Yeah. Dude, no one wants to hear you practice your fucking music. I think I found this moment too. I'm so excited. Here we go. Oh, God. And you have to pretend like you're jamming. Like, yeah, I like this song. He does like his dad jam. But I like the dad dedication to it. Dad dedication. Yeah. When he goes like, I am one, two. This guy's the best. It's so crazy. This guy's my favorite. Look how crazy he looks. God damn it. When does he tell them what the song is about? He goes to work. He comes home for a day or two. He goes to Brazil. So this is a celebrity plastic surgeon of Beverly Hills. Yeah. The personal

problem she's going through. Which, by the way, oh, here he is. Hold on. They could have thought of a more imaginative name for the show instead of the celebrity plastic surgeons of Beverly Hills. So they're all plastic surgeons by day, and they're supposedly friends. Yeah, right? Yeah. Well, they have a practice together, right? They have a big practice. Yeah. They're part of a group. They're part of like a surgeon's group. Yeah. That's him. So dad is a plastic surgeon by day, and then... Yeah. But as a performer, you're here to make people feel good and to bring an energy and joy to people. And that's why you're not really a performer. I really want to see... No real performer. You know, Haley's mind off of the personal problems she's going through and

escape and really escape through the music. This is what's so different about comedians and musicians, too. Because musicians can be really sincere about a song or music, but comedians don't go, you know, I really just... My job is really to make people really happy. Well, some do, but not the good ones. Yeah, none of the good ones. If your aim is to make other people happy as a comic, you're the shittiest comic. You're dog shit. Yeah. Your dog diarrhea. Okay, look at the blondes. All right, dad. Yeah. I like how no rhythm. They're like... This is so painful. It's so hard. You have to stand there and get hammered and listen to your dumb friend plays with you. I remember he had a dedication in this one episode. Where is it?

Right before the party, Robert announces that he's leaving for Brazil. I don't think so. Oh my god. You know, when he's falling his dreams. We definitely get to vent happiest. Or usually not. I mean, there's so much shit. Oh, isn't this... That's how I know you guys are happy. It's here, it's here, it's here. And it's a tearful moment. You know, do you want to move in with us? He'd love to have you. I don't have a daughter. Her life is here in Beverly Hills. You know what? Honestly, at the end of the day, we are always here for you. We love you. Oh, sure. At least when the cameras were rolling. Yeah. Big hugs. Everybody's super skinny. Come on, dad. Wait, tell us how you came up with this number.

Dude, maybe we... No, no. I know, I'm just looking. He's gonna talk. There, look. No. Oh, it's there? I'm saying look your way earlier. All right, all right, all right. I am proud of you and the other side of me is like... Okay, okay. You're right. You're right. Sorry, sorry. Insert and the setting is just beautiful. It's on a mountaintop with this reservoir below us and the whole city and the ocean and the distance. And I'm looking forward to being... To torturing all my friends. It's rock star on the edge of these mountains with... Torturing your friends. It was just such a nice evening in this beautiful house. It was incredible with the view. All right. It's very special night. Oh, there we go.

There we go. The dedication. Finally. Okay. Anyway, I want to thank you all for coming tonight. It's a very special night for myself. We're going to play some songs that I wrote. Like he's in the fucking Hollywood Bowl. Right. Thanks everybody for coming out tonight. Right. Could you imagine if comedians did this? Guys, this next bit I wrote about taking a shit while I was, believe it or not, taking an actual shit. I hope you enjoy it. I wrote it to make you happy. This guy does everything. I know he doesn't. And this is what sucks about rich people also, by the way. This is why when it comes down to it, hanging out with rich people can really suck. You know, they have a, it's a manufactured fun.

Yeah. It's not... Well, because you don't want to, like don't you, there's Tagalongers who they just want to be there for the free food hangout and they're never going to tell you, Hey bro, your shit sucks. Yeah. But this jam out in a, in a fucking trailer park is way more on, you know what I mean? Like this, this, the equal party in, you know, in a person's $30,000 parking lot is, is it's way better. Or the band who has to go up, you know, in a pair play situation or just like the band that struggles and does shit holes and gets real reactions from audiences. I respect that. I have no hobbies. I mean, I just work. All right. So what's that? Wait, do you want to get us to see it up for a day before? Come on, man. Here we go. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Come on, dad.

Anyway, I'm going to start with one of my, uh, this is one of my recent songs and it's about, um, get a little serious here for a second, a little sentimental. You know, uh, with what I do especially, I spend a lot of my time as a doctor, you kind of walk in the room. You don't know what to do unless you actually kind of like have something that's wrong to fix better. Shut up. Um, and you know, but I think a lot of us, as we get on in life, we, we, we are that way in our days. You know, we spend so much time finding what's wrong about things in life. This is a backyard. Shut the fuck up. That's my whole thing is like, don't you tell somebody that if they went to see, like he's just playing in the backyard. He's a Coachella in his mind. He's headlining Coachella.

Um, you know what I do think he thinks is going to happen though? He's like, if I just put my music out there, somebody's watching this and I'm going to get a record. Well, somebody is watching this. We're here to crush every musician's dreams that suck, but seriously, like Nick Hawk and this guy, similar thing. This guy's way better than Nick Hawk. Way better. That was the worst. I'd rather go to this concert than to Nick Hawk. I would ask for an explanation of every song. If I went to see this guy overseeing one Nick Hawk. Yeah, me too. Absolutely. Yeah. A full fucking two hours that over one Nick Hawk. Of course. Yeah. This is painful. The song is actually called what's wrong exclamation point and it's really

about appreciation more than anything. Robert was supposed to exclamation mark. Are you supposed to explain that much? What the song is about? No, come on, man. Nobody wants to go back to your dad. This guy way. I hate him. Look, young women like me and I like them and it's always been that way. I'm going to throw up. I don't want to see this. I don't look my age and I really know how to please a woman. I'm going to throw up. I knew it was going there. What did I tell you? I got grossed out before it went there because I knew. This guy's an asshole. I don't like him. Would you hook up with him? No. What would it take? What do you mean by hook up? Let's talk about the deal. What about if you had to? Would it be him or the male man you've already

began a little something with? With the sexy legs? The sexy legs postman? Yeah. Well, sexy legs postman. He's like 10 years younger than this guy. No, he's not. Virial. Bob? Bob is not 10 years younger. Bob's way more normal than this dude. I'm not arguing that. I'm just saying he's not 10 years younger. Bob's way more attractive than this fucking dirt pig. Look how dry and smelly his mouth is. That's all I can think about. I can see how it smells. Look how it smells. You don't know how smelly it is. Of course. What do you think it smells like? Dad mouth. Old rotten dad mouth. Let's see what else he says here. He's gross. I don't like this guy one bit. What do you not like about him? Because he's a creep salad. I bet you he makes you

quiver like that. He knows all the special tricks. I'm gonna throw up. Now, honestly, I don't care what people say or think, but what Selena thinks about it is another matter. Life is too short to take seriously all the time. Now about Selena. My health has been bad for some time now and the only person I hear from on a daily basis besides Jacob is Selena. Besides the usual radio interviews. Do you think? I can't take this guy. He scares me. Would it freak you out if he if he pleased you in a way you've never been pleased with? Would you stop? Stop it. What? It's so gross. He's so gross. Yeah. I would rather be with the vegan vagina guy than this guy. Whoa. Selena is a good caring woman. Next subject. I don't like this guy. All

right. All right. All right. So I'm just going to close them out. Thank you. There you go. The gene's power back to back. Can we talk about some important issues? Sure. We don't. Yeah. Number one. We finally watched the season finale of Downton. Yes. Abby. And can I tell you something? Yeah. I judge people. Yeah. If they call it downtown Abby. Oh my God. We're not friends. Yeah, I know. Downtown Abby really. You've seen it written. Everyone's seen it written down. I know. It's very clear what it is. I hate downtown Abby. Yeah. Yeah. It's beautiful. I love the other themes already. You're so good. Of course. I love this is when the golden retriever, the golden retriever's ass is showing. It's such a good show. I know.

Yeah. I miss it already. I'm so upset that it's over. Now, we're late on this because we didn't have television for the last three weeks here and we moved and everything. Yeah. I miss Downton. Can I tell you what I'm really upset about? Let's go through the stories. Yeah. Let's go through it. Go ahead. What's the guy that I don't like? What's his name? Branson. No, I like Branson. Wait, who do you not like? Branson got chunkier. Mr. Fucking the gay dude. Thomas Barrow. Barrow. First of all, I was upset that he didn't go through with the suicide. I really wanted Mr. Barrows to die. That's so horrible. What is up with you on that? He was just such a shit. It's like what a short memory people have. I don't

remember that Mr. Barrows tried to sabotage everything at Downton. Yeah. And that, you know, I'm glad he had a change of heart, but I don't really like him. I thought it was kind of cool that he came back and the way they tied it together. I liked it. I actually liked it. I like how everybody got a nice ending. I love that Edith triumphed over Mary and in terms of status. Yeah. She ended up with a better love match marriage or just better marriage and status. That was cool. Yeah. And she actually overcame her cuntiness. Yeah. That was basically the theme of most of that episode. Right. Was there like your cunt and then they had Edith call her a cunt. Yeah. And then she saw her cuntiness and then was like, you're right. I really, I agree with you.

I think that was really nice. And I love that final orgy scene at the end of the episode. Yes. So I was actually trying to pull it up. Yeah. Where Carson finally brought out his huge hog and Lord Grantham finally dropped to his knees like he's wanted to for years. Yeah. It's great. I mean and blue Carson. Yeah. It's he because the thing is that there's that scene where it turns out I'll just tell you Carson has a bit of an ailment and they're all he's kind of keeping it hidden and then Mrs. Hughes says you have to tell everyone. So Carson in like one of the final scenes he drops his pants and he has a fully erect penis and he goes, this is what I've been hiding. And then he, he walks over to the all the girls

and he puts it in each of their mouths for a moment. It's really special. You know, this is the UK edition. Right. Right. You know, not a lot of Americans got to see this one. We paid extra, but you get to see Carson. He fucks Cora. He fucks Lady Mary. He fucks Edith. The Dowager. The Dowager Countess. Yeah. And what I loved in the UK edition anyways, I don't know if Americans saw it. They gave, they gave cousin Violet a pushup bra. Yes. Finally. Yes. We got to see our tits hoisted up a little higher than she goes. My tits usually hang so low. And Rose goes, I came back from America. I got you a pushup bra cousin. Right. Because at Hogwarts it's okay if her tits are that low. Right. She's just teaching. Right. But a Downton. It's not

unacceptable. Yeah. Rose came back that little slut. Yep. She's got a baby now. And her husband's not attractive. I will say that Rose is way cuter than her husband. I agree. How's that going over there? So we filmed this in our home next door to our child's room. Yeah. And our new nanny. Yeah. Just watching our child while we do this. Yep. Hmm. I was trying to find that scene. Cora. Cora. Fish face. Always with the fish. That's her face in every scene. Every scene. And she always goes, I'm afraid not or I'm afraid so. They're always afraid. Everybody's afraid of feelings. Yeah. The reason there's never an emotional stake at Downton. It's like no feelings. There's not any coming those bulls.

Right. Right. And then the guys always go, I should like that very much. Right. I'm afraid there is. I mean you suck all the cum out of your bulls. And he goes, I should like that indeed. Yeah. I should. I should like that very much, Cawson. I should like coming in. That's interesting that they did resolve the unanswered question of is there any cum in Carson's balls that we found out. Yeah. There is. There's a lot of cum in Carson's balls. There's a lot. Yeah. There's a lot. Anna had her baby, which was exciting. They had a boy. Is that Carson ejaculating on everyone? Yeah. That's right. I remember this scene.

Yeah. Right. I almost forgot. Yeah. This is when the servants finally come upstairs. This is in Lady Mary's room. Like we've been holding onto this for years. Your Lordship. Your Lady's Chip. Everybody's happy. It was a happy ending down. It was really cool the way it ended. This is a Christmas episode. Yeah. Yeah. And then after Carson comes on everybody's face of like, it's really sweet ending. Someone brought the mistletoe and this is what happened. Your Lordship was, yes, Carson.

Pretty good. Now, I am upset because there's Anna. I hear her. There's Anna. I hear her. Yeah, Mrs. Hughes is happy and Cora just came. Yeah, we heard that. It's a really beautiful show. Mr. Barrels is even getting in on this. Yeah. But in all seriousness, what was Lord Grantham's happy ending? He got to see his daughter, Edith, who's just his whole adult life has just been bad luck. Yeah. Be happy. And then he saw Mary be happy as well. And Carson came on her and that's why he saw Carson jizz all over his daughters. And then, yeah. And then he, you know, it was interesting. He was one of the people, he accepted the way that life was changing more so than Carson.

Because those are really the representatives of each of upstairs and downstairs, right? Carson actually wanted to hold on to it more so than his Lordship did. Interesting. That's a really good observation, Tom. Now, what I want to know is where do they should? And they didn't really address that. They never gave us a shitting scene in all, what is it, six seasons? I mean, does someone have to wipe his Lordship and his lady ship her lady ship? They probably used cloth for a while, right? And they're like, wash this. Wash his Lordships dirty. I'm done. Because I didn't wash this. They ring the bell and the Carson asked to come and wipe it. Where did they go? Because they didn't have toilets. They did. In 1850,

they did. They must have had indoor plumbing at that nice house. No, they didn't have outhouses. Yeah. They had, they must have had some kind of indoor. Well, that's our really, Julian Fellows knows the answer to that. Julian does know the answer to that. By the way, they would not sit with their backs to the chairs at Dalton on the Edwardian time. Your Lordship, you have no more coming your balls. May I leave now? Okay. Go make me something to eat. Okay. So Mrs. Pat, more than make me up something right quick. He wants to eat a sandwich, does he? Is that good? That's good. His Lordships balls are empty. His Lordship always wants to eat when he comes. His Lordships balls are empty, aren't they? I whip up a biscuit. I always feed his Lordship

when he comes. It's true. She does. He's going to wear those tails. I love that. My favorite thing ever in Dalton is the time when, was it Tom came back and he didn't have his dinner tuxedo. Yeah. And they were appalled that he just wore his regular suit to dinner. Well, it's like what type of man? That's really what it is. They're like, what type of fucking man what are you? Doesn't travel with his, you know, right? His nighttime tuxedo. Yeah. Could you imagine getting what I want to know is where's the come? And we found out it down. It's all in Carson's balls. Series finale. Yeah. I loved it. I just loved it. Where's the come? Where's the come? I want to know where the come is. Anyway, I'm glad we got that. Now we are our next order of business is House of

Farts because we haven't even touched that because of the move. Move fuck this all. And by the way, this is something I learned through this is that our Wi-Fi signal was not strong enough basically in our living room. So for those of you that don't know that we're retarded like me, you can get a little thing called a Wi-Fi extender and you plug it right into your wall and it boosts your signal. Game changer. So cool. What a, and it was like a little gadget that's all we needed, which we brought on Amazon through our banner. Your mom's house, podcast.com. I did have a really fun time discovering it. I called Time Warner, who we have our internet service from because they're the only provider here, which really is cool how they monopolize and it's a monopoly.

Jesus. I'm sorry. When are you going to get professional Tom? It's your dad. You don't want to answer it. How do you know it's my dad? Because I saw it. Oh, where did it come out there? No, I came on your phone. Like Carson came on. So my, I called them and I said, you know, I'm having trouble with the internet and they go, okay, we'll send somebody out. So the guy comes out, he comes into this room, which is our studio office and he goes, uh, so what's the problem? I go, well, you know, it's working great here, but in the living room, it isn't great and he goes, okay, so it doesn't really say anything. A few minutes later, I see him in the living room and he's got the router in his hand and I go, so what are you going to do? He goes, we'll plug it

in here. That way it'll be strong in here and I go, but won't it be weak in the office then? And he goes, probably. Cool. Problem solved. I don't know what the problem this time. I go, what are you complaining about? So what should I do? I mean, shouldn't I do, like, should I get a second router or should I get a Wi-Fi center? He goes, oh, those extenders were great. Should get one of those. And I go, okay. He goes, I'm going to go put it back in the office. Then I go, okay. Thanks for coming. So he plugged it back in where it was and then he left. Cool. Thanks for coming, Time Warner. Excellent, excellent company. Yeah. By far my least favorite internet and cable provider, but we're not getting their cable service, by the way.

We refuse that. Time Warner cable. It is garbage dog shit. Yeah. We're just doing Apple TV right now. Yeah, yeah. Cut the cord, man. Cut the cord. And we had Time Warner and I thought we'd never have to come again, but when we moved we had to. Fucking horrible. Time Warner's dog shit. They always have the worst service. So disappointing. It's just the worst customer service. Oh yeah. They don't care. They just don't take care of you. Speaking of badass motherfuckers and shit like that, stuff like that. Oh dear. Those are crazy looks. Our good friend, Crazy Lokes, who I think is open to working out with me if I go to San Jose. He has a freestyle wrap here in Spanish. Is that correct? It's in Spanish. So that's kind of my forte. Let's going to see

what it sounds like. I haven't heard it yet. Do you want to hear it? Do I have a choice in the matter? Yeah. You ever seen somebody speaking tongues before, like in a church when they heal them? That's basically what's going on here. It's basically that gibberish, right? There's gibberish with with like a word in Spanish in every sentence and mostly because I'm not, I don't speak Spanish like you do fluently. I don't, but I, I know enough like LA Spanish to get, I don't understand what the fuck this guy's talking about. Well, he's Filipino, so he knows how to pronounce the words and yeah, he, and there's Spanish words in his language, but that's the package. The next package is here.

Is anybody, this dog is the worst dog in the world. It's a Brussels Grafine, beautiful little girl, really sweet animal. You'll see her in a pillowcase floating down the LA river at about 7am on Wednesday. Go ahead and pick that up. It's your dog or it's your dog. She might be on the far05 freeway at the Santa Monica exit. Yeah. Just waiting. Just kind of hanging out. Can I tell you what this dog, if anybody out there, if you're a real dog trainer and don't fucking email me if you're not legit, our dog eats everything in the backyard and I mean everything. Rocks, glass pieces. She's indiscriminate. I mean it. And we're lucky she's still alive, frankly. But now whatever the fuck she's eating in our backyard has given her diarrhea and she's had

diarrhea twice in the last two weeks. And he's, we don't know what to do. Either we muzzle her when we let her out or what? We don't know how to stop the diarrhea. We don't know how to keep her from eating out there. Eating whatever the fuck it is and it's everything. Everything in anything. I don't know what to do. I'm at a loss. Yeah. She's the worst. She's in a fireplace so we can put her in there. Here's your new crate. Get in the crate.

Better behave. We're going to turn it on. She would just go, she would eat the fire. She went up and we turn on the fireplace. She went right up to it and was like, yeah, she almost did start licking the fire. She's so inbred and stupid. Gorgeous dog, designer dog, dumbest dog we ever had. Feef from Downey from the streets, smartest, never runs away, wouldn't dream of running away because he knows how hard it is. No. Anyway, I, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

His crew there is enjoying him, right? They're laughing. They're laughing at him. Oh, what's up with the hair there? It's called a kiss. It's a lot. It's hard. It's hard. Yeah. There's a lot of shitty music on this show today. Yeah. Yeah. You want to see what Shanley's been up to?

Yeah. It's been a while. We have to keep it short though. We don't want to enrage the listeners. Maybe we should pick a break from that for a second. This I discovered was sent yesterday as I was kind of going through these clips with Blueban and just checked this out. This lady, she's a pretty great man, uh, lifting weights that are weightlifting me. What do you think? I thought he's going to grab her chin.

I like that. She's awesome. That was Brad. That's not a normal scream for weightlifting. I like it though. Yeah. She is hilarious. She lifts a second time and you wouldn't believe it. She's back to screaming.

The only other time I've heard a woman scream like that is when you make number two. I can hear you. Throughout the house? Throughout the house. Yeah. And I grab the bowl and I go, I've heard it a few times when we had cream barbecue and we ordered Thai. I hear you in there.

Remember when I was in labor and I cursed a lot? Yeah. That was fun. I feel like this lady, because all the nice nurses were like, yeah, I know. And I was dropping F bomb. Yeah, dropping racial slurs. I did not.

By the way, that reminds me, my cousin Julie chimed in on the Nick Hawk tattoo thing. Oh yeah. Let me read you what she, she does a lot of tattoos and knows a lot about the world of tattooing. Oh mom, let me find what she has to say. There's a reason we're doing that. From La Croix? La Croix, yeah. It's La Croix.

It's not La Croix. It's La Croix. No, it's La Croix. I took French. I took French. It's La Croix. I took French. I spent time in Bali.

I have a lot of Canadian friends. It's the national language. It's La Croix. It's La Croix. No, the O I X is Oi. La Croix. It's not La Croix. La Croix.

You're retarded. It's a delicious La Croix. It's not La Croix. It's La Croix. This is La Croix with lemon. Lemon, La Croix. Lemon. That's Spanish.

No, this is La Croix. It's okay. Spakutaku. It's La Vi. Hey. It's La Croix. All right. It's La Croix.

La Croix. La Croix. La Croix. La Croix. Okay. Here it is. Nick Hawk. Here he goes.

She writes, My cousin Julia, I was always confused about what the hell Nick Hawk's tattoo on his shoulder was. It's... Wait, we should... Oh yeah.

Let's bring it up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Holy shit, man. Oh, this is a good image, I think, to use for what we're discussing. Let's see. There you say.

How do you say? How do you say? Look at this motherfucker. There he is. What are you doing, dude? What is that? So that's what I asked her about. So you should set some context.

Your cousin has a lot of tattoos. 00:44:21,040 --> 00:44:24,240 My cousin Julie and her husband Justin, they are... Like, I would consider them tattoo aficionados. Sure. They both have a lot. Julie has a lot of tattoos.

She, you know, she hangs out in that community. Right. She knows what the folks she's talking about. She knows what she's talking about, yeah. She knows a turd when she sees one. She knows a turd. Yeah, totes. And so I thought it was a bad cover-up

on his shoulder as well. I was like, oh, is he covering up something shitty? And she thought it was a poorly executed cover-up. The closer she says I look at it, the more I think that it's a poorly executed venom transformation tattoo from the Spider-Man comics. If I'm correct, it's supposed to be the black goo that encapsulates someone and turns them

into the venom character. If you look closely at his elbow in certain pics, you can clearly see the sharp, pointy teeth that venom has. Right, so it's like when that character, that venom character... It's like it grows on you and takes over you. That's the thing.

Yeah, it looks really cool. It doesn't look douchey at all. And I like that it's... There's more here. It's down the hips. It's horrible. Can I tell you something? And I'm not a tattoo aficionado whatsoever.

Which one would you like to look at more? But they're all so dumb. Oh my, good night, Irene. Really? Oh, that guy's got better tats. Oh, he's a good guy. Here we are. I mean, look, I just...

I feel like they're super lame. Think about him. He's just a guy that takes himself too seriously. That's why. Yeah, it kind of sucks. And he's got the venom stuff growing over his cock and balls. Oh, see, that's what she's talking about? You know, and then it takes over you.

He just takes himself too seriously. Too seriously. That's why it's lame, yeah. Way too seriously. Please like us. No? How do you click out of this? God damn it.

Yeah, it's a lot. It's just not... They're not cool too. And as far as I know in the tattooing world, he didn't choose cool ones. Like that guy's got like tough ones, kind of cool. Yeah. You know, there should be some skulls, right?

There should be some bloody hearts or something. Like my cousin, she's got like some fucking dope ass chest peas with like a heart and, you know, cool, cool stuff. Spider webs on elbows. That stuff's cool. Yeah. The knuckle tats. I'm a huge fan of knuckle tats.

Well, this is like whack. I feel like his stuff is not... Oh, he had playgirl? Oh, get your life. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, Jesus. Everything about him is, oh, boy.

Yeah, it's a lot. Oh, boy. I'm working on my raps. Poor guy. You're not kidding. There's a lot. Yeah, he's suffering inside. All right.

Well, you know, and there you have it. That's... Oh, thank you, cousin Julie. Can I try something real quick? No. Well, since we're talking about... LaCroix. Hey, Rob Ford died.

I know. We liked him. We liked making fun of him on the show. Babe. No, we did. We talked about him on the show. We played him a lot because he was hilarious, yeah. Yeah.

He was... It was sad though. I was convinced as soon as I heard that he died that he... That he died from an overdose or a heart attack. I didn't know he was fighting cancer. I didn't know that either. Yeah, I would think it would be drugs or something.

Yeah, it's really sad. He did lean that direction. And we lost Gary Shanling too. That's really sad, man. Yeah, I loved the Gary Shanling show as a kid. Oh, my God. In the Larry Sanders show? Yeah.

That was amazing. That is comedy gold. If you guys want to really dive into a show you haven't seen the Larry Sanders show, it's fucking incredible. Hey now. It's real... Oh, hey now.

It's such a good show. Hey now. It really is. What are we calling? Originating with our flagship brand. Don't start. It's LaCroix. Everybody knows that.

LaCroix. It's not LaCroix. LaCroix. Why aren't they answering? Who are you calling? Begin speaking after the tone. Then hang up when you are finished or press any key for further options.

No, it's too late. Who is it? This is why I was calling LaCroix. It's LaCroix, ding dong. I just called them to talk to them about it. It's LaCroix. Damn it. It's LaCroix.

Are they on France time? Yeah, because they are in LaCroix. Wait, isn't this like Canadian though? Like French Canadian? I don't know where they make it. Product of USA. Wait a minute. Yeah.

That doesn't seem right. More in Michigan. It's really making me burp a lot. I don't know if I should be drinking these as often during the show. This is the most I've burped. I feel like in a show. I don't think it's good.

Potato, potato, Tom. That's what your mom's house is based on, Burbs and Farts. Burbs and Farts. That's what we're about. I should tell you this. And in sort of, we didn't mean for it to coincide like this, but I shot a show, a presentation a year, more than a year ago, where the focus, like the inspiration of this show idea was Rob Ford in a way.

It was a show called The People's Mayor. And we shot it and we kind of, you know, tried to shop it around. And they finally allowed us to put it on YouTube. I just put it up three hours ago. It's called The People's Mayor. It was written by Tom Ruprecht, who wrote for the Letterman for 15 years. So, he's so fucking funny. This was a really good pilot, and I really loved you in it.

I thought it was a great character for you. I'm sad that it didn't get picked up. Yeah. This is a great show. It was so fun, man. I would watch this. Oh, yeah. This is a...

They gave her that same prognosis. That was 14 years ago. Who's that? She remained cancer-free. Oh, she died 13 and a half years ago. Why are you telling me this? Because it was like six months to the day. I mean, these doctors, they know their shit.

It's great meeting you, Stan. So, it's on my YouTube channel. So, if you go to YouTube and just look for Tom Segura, it's up there. It's nine and a half minutes. It's really well-written, really well-made, and there's great actors in it. Joe Wenger at Markevin Jackson. Your wife, I love to play... Sarah Baker.

She is so funny. Yeah, she's so good in it. Yeah, Markevin Jackson's one of my favorites. There's just... There's so many fucking... Here, this little exchange here is really funny to me. This is... So, I'm playing the mayor, and he...

This is my... You're the mayor of Detroit. Yeah, and this is my top aide. Like my... Basically, right-hand man. And there's a rumor that there's a tape of me doing drugs. And, oh, and blowing a black eye. Yes!

Let's drink, Jimmy. Load them up. Hey, can I bother you with, like, a work-related question? That dude's been in the bathroom for half an hour. Just to have his drink. Are you using drugs? Relax. Public opinions change.

Pot is legal, dude. So, you're smoking pot? No, I'm not a pussy. Cocaine? You're doing cocaine? No, I'm not doing cocaine, because this isn't... Wall Street. I do the real stuff.

Crack, brother. Rocks. Crack. Yeah. You're smoking crack? Medicinal. Medicinal crack. Look.

Could there be a video of you sucking off a black guy for drugs? Black guy? Yeah. You know what? Any ethnicity dick. Yeah, we're good, buddy. We're good. Yeah.

Oh, hey, Dave. This is my friend. I'm sorry. I forgot your name. Titty fucker. You forgot titty fucker. I saw that. What?

I just saw that. I'm having a drink. So, anyways, I really was super proud of it, and I'm so happy. This is insane. We get to share it, so... It's a really cute... Yeah. Check it out.

Family fun kind of show. It's a family fun kind of show, for sure. It's just like that new full Fuller house. I'm glad they made that one instead of the people's mayor, right? Good call. Good call. I know. Shit like that.

They go, no thanks. Fuller house. Fuller house. God damn. I mean, I really feel like it's overkill today. There's too many burps. Wait, maybe my LaCroix is not as... Can I try your LaCroix?

She's not in... Ruby is not in like... It's too many burps. Can I trade LaCroix with you? Okay. Give me that one, because I feel like mine's flat. How many burps is it today? It's a lot.

Can we do a burp counter? Yeah, sure. Let's edit them together and do a burp counter. And we should edit them out. Maybe that's too many. Sorry, guys. It's so what? Probably the 10 range.

Yeah, sorry. I'll try to dial the burp. But your LaCroix is flat as mine right now. How are you ripping such big burps? I don't know. I've just always had a gift. Do you ever pull a booger out of your nose? So good that you think about it for like days after.

Yeah. That was so good. Maybe not days after, but yeah, I think about them. I pulled a booger out of our son's nose yesterday. That was so massive. Yeah. I've been thinking about it ever since. What was it about it?

It was like just big and scrungy. You're such a small person. Yeah. I never pulled a booger out of my nose like that. I like the hard ones. Sometimes you wake up and you're like, oh, what is that? I got a little itch.

Those are good. And you reach in there and there's a fucking boulder. Yeah. And it bleeds. Yeah, that's a good one. We got blood running down your face just from pulling a booger out. Not down your face.

Yeah, you do. Just like when you go caca, you have blood on your face. Yeah, it happens. Sometimes they pick so much that it hurts. Like right now, my right nostril hurts in there because I dug too much yesterday. Do you remember a few weeks ago, we had the twins and they were like talking at the same time.

We have a different set of crazy twins. Oh boy. They wear the same clothes. They both have the tattooed eyebrows. They are on tattoo. 00:55:00,480 --> 00:55:02,240 They are. They're the same.

And they have something they'd like to share. Everything the same. Hi, I'm Lucy. Hi, I'm Anna. Anna and Lucy are dubbed as the world's most identical twins. And they are both monstrelian. weren't the other ones? They're either Kiwis.

No, they're Kiwis. Yeah. And they're on a lot. Yeah. They're both Nobel laureates, right? They're babies at the same time. The inseparable sisters say they always want to be together. You realize that this whole thing is a product of the Kardashians?

Of course it is. Or Barbie. Like, it's so dumb. Yeah. Well, the whole lips, it's so bizarre. This is such a bizarre time to be honest. Oh, fake. Everything's fake.

Yeah, it's so weird. This is the standard now. And constantly post videos of themselves to their YouTube channel. Anna, Lucy, the same plate. More videos to come. Oh, their lips look terrible. And their eyebrows are terrible.

They say they're practically the same from the hair, cosmetics, surgeries. To their posses. Matching wardrobes. I love to see that. And they're matching assholes. And they're matching assholes.

00:56:05,440 --> 00:56:05,440 00:56:05,440 --> 00:56:05,440 00:56:05,440 --> 00:56:05,440 00:56:05,440 --> 00:56:05,920 And the same boyfriend. And the same boyfriend. Here they are on Australia's Sunrise Show. For us, we've had separate boyfriends in the past, and it hasn't worked.

But now it's much easier, and yeah, it's great. We're all happy. We're all happy. We're with each other 24 seven. Me and my sister, it's just much easier to share a boyfriend. Yeah, because we're always together. What's with everything?

The eyebrows stand out. What's with the lips? For me, it's the eyebrows. The lips on the standard issue. I can't focus with the lips. I can't focus because the eyebrows. Yeah, the lips are distracting to me. I'm looking at them like I fucking don't know what's going on.

But the type of, she just, they just took Sharpies and like the chola brow. Because they're trying to fit that ideal. They're, they're, they're, they see the Kardashian thing. So damaged. Make me look like Kim, please. So damaged. Yeah.

I want to be Bobby. Yeah. Yeah, it's dancing. Saying their future. If one gets pregnant, the other will follow suit. So their bodies stay exactly the same. So they're both dating the same guy. So he's dumping clips left and right on both of them.

I guess that's the only plus. But isn't that the big fantasy for a guy to be begging twins? Yeah. But this is the rare occasion where the twins really want to do that. Most twins go, no, yeah, they go grows and I want to have my own, you know, boyfriend, yeah, yeah. I like one person's coming meet like my own. Yeah.

You don't really want to share a dick. Like it's really private. These two are real. I mean, they must, they might even do that whole other, like maybe they're like incestuous and they're just, they might be. I don't know why these girls just don't make the leap and do porn. I kind of feel like that's on the table.

That's coming up. Yeah. They're only, they're one phone call away from it. Yeah. Then you think they might be one phone call away from the the greatest porn leap of all time that no one's ever, I don't think gotten anyone to do. And that is to get them to be with each other.

No one's ever gotten that? No, I think with the thing is they've had twins do porn, but twins, you know, siblings typically won't touch each other. Oh, you've thoroughly researched this genre, like you've done the research and yeah. And I think these two would actually go. Yeah, no problem. Yeah.

I'll eat out my identical twin sister. Yeah, there's some of that going. Yeah. Yeah, it's weird. They're definitely weird. Look how long I've gone without burping right now. Can we just acknowledge that for a second? Or shitting for that matter.

I haven't shitted since before the show. I know. It's been a whole hour and a half since your last bout. That's a big deal. It's amazing. Can we watch this? While the twins explain they're not ready just yet. No word on whether they're trying for identical babies as well.

Just imagine how they'll pull that. Just pause a minute. This is like the dumb girl dance too. It's so funny how it changes every decade. Like this is just, this is the dumb girl prototype. And they're like, you've got to check off the list. Right? Yeah.

Dumb girl hair check, lips check, eyebrows check, dress check, fake check. Yeah. And the dumb girl move, the party girl dance. But is there a manual that all these people consult or? Yeah, it seems like they're getting loaded in the room. Let's go to the tech shop. Fuck dropping on a rope. I'll fall and get all the stars.

The saddest shot of all is just dancing in our hotel room. Dance, dance, dance. We'll allow that. By the way, last time we had a succulent Chinese meal remix and we thought, you know, it's pretty good. It was, it's actually really good. You know, it had, it had all the, like it's like a, I don't know, modern kind of dance vibe right to it.

Is it actually, is it in the 336 one? I still have that up. I don't know if it's in there. If it is in there, I can play it. Oh, well, it looks like I'm finally kicking in. I feel like so inferior and inadequate. Why do you feel that way? I haven't burped at all.

You've had all the verbs. Get your hands off my pelvis. I'm going to get, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to get my tits done. I have to get my eyebrows plastered in. I got to get my lips injected. Thou loads. Fuck, it's not there.

Anyways, we got a new one. This is a totally different style. Get your hands off my penis song. This one's really good and really different. Do you care to hear? I'd love to. I love this guy. Get your hands off my penis.

Here we go. Here we go. Thank you. I'm going to erase that. Look, I'm under one. Gentlemen, this is democracy manifest. Have a look at the headlock here. See that chap over there?

He'll take a job and I'll fight for you. This is the guy who got me on the penis meeting. What? Get some cups. Hey, pal. The holiday junior, there's a couple of cups. Get some cups. Well, what is the charge?

Eating a meal. A suck of a Chinese beer. It's a kind of a... Yeah, it's like a jazzy. Yeah. I like this one the best. You like it more? Yeah.

It's interesting. It's good. It's not teta. It's ta-ta. Ta-ta. Ta-ta. One cup, look. We'll be with you here until Christmas Eve.

Aww. lapse Got your hands off my penis. Get your hands off my penis Get your hands off my penis Got your hands off my penis Got your hands off my penis Got your hands off my penis

Got your hands off my penis Got your hands off my penis Got your hands off my penis Got your hands off my penis Got your hands off my penis Got your hands off my penis I can always do that all day. Good

It's really good That was impressive Yeah I'm really impressed with them Good job Good job Good job Blue Band Great jeans Um

Tight jeans Those jeans were so tight on that one Point out how long it's been since I've burped How long has it been? Feels like it's been a long time You know I have a jean dilemma maybe you can help me with Oh sure I'm serious I have a jean problem

Okay Um you know my post birth body I'm a little fatter than I've been in the past And I buy regular people jeans But I'm kind of like in this jean dilemma where Like the ones I bought are too big But then when I go a size down it's too tight So what do I do?

I've been there a lot I've been there for years Like I'm in between sizes So what pair of jeans do I wear in the meantime? I'm always there I know exactly what you're talking about Um Well because one pair it's too high and tight

If I wear the lower size And then they're low and loose If I wear the size above Yeah I can't do the low and loose I can't do low and loose I would rather go a little snug What I try to do is then You get something a little tight

It's a little higher than you normally wear It's a little tighter And you just suffer through Some tight hours Right And then it kind of fits you And then it loosens later in the day But it just loosens ever so slightly

It feels like it's almost made for you at that point Right Then you wear it for a few days And it'll fit perfectly day after day Well you have to power through those really high and tight Oh there it was Why didn't you not share that with everybody? But I started to feel bad for them

But the thing is Yeah you gotta be ready for Some uncomfortable times But what happens is Eventually it'll be Perfect Now eventually if you keep wearing them They'll eventually get loose and saggy

And then I have to go another size down The thing is is that you just can't sit down In your high and tight jeans And you can't eat As long as I don't sit or eat Those jeans feel They kind of feel nice when they're high and tight Remember we were talking about this

Like some days you like your jeans extra high and tight And some days I don't Yeah I mean Pretty much I like them high and tight You know All the time Not all the time Nobody can have their jeans high and tight

All the time It's pretty much a lot though It's a lot Would you like to read some emails? Yeah Hey mommy Tom and mommy Tina Long time listener

Lifelong Daniac here I've got my denim in a bit of a twist My partner recently farted during intercourse Yeah What else is there? I don't know how to feel about it Let me be clear This fart came from Browntown

And it's about like chicken cream Mid-flow into relations Just want to get you your gut's opinion on the matter And if coital farts are acceptable FYI I have also asked Hitler about this But he hasn't replied to any of my emails Many thanks Mr. Wreckless Eyeball on a bitch Well here's the thing

Hitler doesn't answer your emails He only answers vlogs We've covered this Yeah that's true That's kind of some JV shit too First of all, farts happen in a relationship I think we hold them in during love making Yeah I mean first of all I want to

I just want to clarify I'm pretty sure you're talking about Somebody who accidentally farted I mean that's a big thing We're talking about an accidental fart Dirty and disgusting But the thing I want to also make clear is It's an accidental fart

Unless you're a real piece of shit You forgive an accidental fart Yeah It's an accident Yeah Now is it acceptable? Well it's acceptable that it happened accidentally You know if it's a repeat or a deliberate thing

That's a different thing You know You should make every effort to hold in your farts You should try to hold in farts I mean look how long I've been with you I've held in all those farts I've had to fart a lot Yeah there have been times where it's come close

Yeah for sure Yeah down to the fart wire Yeah and you still hold it in Yeah okay You still hold it in I still hold it in as best as I can Of course you do Fuck my stoma

But do you You still Do you then go to the bathroom and then Oh damn But only or I hold it until we're done Yeah Oh my gosh And then I fart and say that out

I haven't yeah I mean I've had them where I go right to the end Flip over and then you know let out a I know Oh I know you and I have been making sweet marital love And then you immediately fart after it And then you go uh we just made love And I go I know we're done Yeah that's how you know we're done

When dumb farts we're done It's true it means we're totally done You're totally I can't wait until our son Because you've been burping in front of him He's too young to really know what's happening But when he figures it out It's gonna be fucking mayhem in this house

Yeah But yeah I ripped some big burps in front of him Big ones farts too Farts don't even know where they come from Burps he looks at me and I go He's like He loves it

Yeah Little jeans is gonna pick up some bad habits Between between mom and dad We're gonna get a lot of phone calls from school Your son He farted and then he said damn it I wish I had burped at the same time And we'll be like well yeah it's a pretty big deal when you do that

Your son has been farting on girls hands And then we have to pretend like oh yeah that is We'll be like well he probably likes her You know he's trying to show her Hey Hitler mommies I was listening to a boring news story in NPR Just a few hours ago to immediately thought of you guys Just as it was ending

The story was about the current overabundance of cotton in China And how it may affect the global economy After some talk about the price supply demand Import export statistics statistics Or how to read dummy Statistics of cotton It went on to hint that we as American consumers Can expect to see a price drop for clothing

Specifically jeans sometime in the near future Since everybody knows that Tom Castrino are the utmost authority When it comes to jeans and anything else denim related I felt as a YMH listener of two years to keep you abreast With this new information I know it could really do with some denim More denim in my life personally It would be great to see the price go down

For a new pair of those precious ball crushing jeans Shout out to FIFA, Bitsy and Lil Chapito Keep them high and tight Later mommies Michael from New York Thanks Michael Oh if I could put a call out there guys Any ladies out there know of any really good jeans For when you're kind of still fat post part of me

Some what are some good jeans to make a lady look a little skinnier And who has a belly right now I go to the Gap but I feel like there's a brand out there I'm not aware of that I should be checking out Ah they're going to respond Yeah let me know girls if you've had a baby And I don't want to wear maternity jeans anymore It's too depressing

I need normal people jeans Just like fat people jeans Dear mommies just want to let you know I no longer listen to the podcast Nope I am now a proud viewer of your YouTube podcast I got scared I now get the pleasure of seeing my mommies wearing it high and tight No longer do I wonder is chem and hot as hot as they say

What the fuck's a sky punch Or I bet they break it down during that sweet intro Which you do Thank you mommies for not giving me the option of sitting at home And doing a bowl with my two main mommies Keeping them high and tight Jeff Good

Good Jeff Hi Jeff I'm glad you're watching us This is definitely for you and made me really laugh Hey hitlers I was in your podcast Found something interesting about Tina's dad Mostly about her dad's drinking My dad is also from the old country

And would drink a 30 pack a day Starting as soon as he woke up I grew up thinking all dads did this too And never figured out that he was an alcoholic Until I was old enough to drink for myself He would also tell me to fuck off until I was old enough to drink with him And cool enough to hang I've never seen him drunk or pissy or angry either

No matter what he drank This seemed to be a strange parallel Between our high functioning alcoholic Hungarian fathers Love the show keep it high and tight Tanner So his dad's a hungover too Yeah Tanner First of all that's a very un-Hungarian name they gave you

But yeah Tanner You're absolutely correct Yeah it's normal To grow up with the dads I guess it's considered quote alcoholism But if your dad's from the old country And you're hot

Yeah It's just it's just how they roll Yeah That's why seriously like I remember in high school Confronting my dad and being like dad I think I think you might be an alcoholic And him and my stepmother looked at me like I was an idiot retarded Like what are you talking about You know alcoholics are you know

Falling down Falling down and and kind I kind of agree You know what I mean if you my dad got his ass up for work Every morning at the crack of dawn fixing forklifts Made a great living and had a great life And he never changed his mood was In fact I would even argue my dad doesn't drink now I would even argue he was more fun when he did drink

Really And I kind of liked his personality even more when he was a drinker So you you said like dad I want to talk to you about something When I was a teenager I had the audacity to try and you know Straighten him out about alcoholism because I learned that horseshit at school you know Yeah And they just laughed at me I was laughed at completely like what are you talking about

There's not a fuck alcoholic come on this was stupid Alcoholics passed out all day long Even I have a I have a relative that has passed out drunk alcoholic And even they were like she's not an alcoholic She just likes to drink I'm like okay Because old country But wait now you know though that that's not correct right You know the older I get especially in the business we're out

There's a lot of people that use substances and can function High functioning yeah And if you can function that doesn't mean you're not a problem Yeah you're addicted to something but you're if you're functional Yeah You know fucking Mazel tov good for you All right Inshallah but

Inshallah and Mazel tov together All those things together Okay God bless God bless God bless God bless Yeah That's so funny Tanner

Speaking of Hungarian I think there's some Hungarian in this There's a wonderful site called eFucked That has over the years provided us Oh I know what this is This is like one of those online community college College things They do a lot of great work

So this audio Oh there's no visual for that Well there's a visual I still think it would really fly Oh on YouTube's Well yeah it's it gets a little fucking crazy What is this So the guy the guy really has editing chops Are you trying to trick me

He makes like He makes he blends horrific things with Okay but I'm pretty sure he's speaking Hungarian He's spanking her on her butt As he's bringing her It's really Okay right now He has he's

He has her arms tied behind her back I guess he's reading a newspaper He's reading a newspaper And she's eating his ass Okay Oh look Sean attacks me Maybe I can answer this This is crazy

Can you use this one So that we can I can show you something on this Okay so he's uh Oh Sean is a vetted She wants to start a fight Can you hear it Yeah I couldn't hear him pulling up Let's see

Hold on No that's not Hungarian No Yelling too much I want to say Aller I mean is it French Like there sounds like there's French But then

Do you like this business Do you like this little business Do you like this little business It's okay It's okay No Not a lot to go on Tom Not a lot of talking

I'd like to help you on this translation I really would That's French right Kurva Kurva's whore I think it's Russian But kurva Kurva is a whore

Yes that is that is Hungarian But strika You know why I think she's Hungarian He knows a few words Egan Okay So he's saying whore And that's Russian I think

Or Czech or something It's not Russian It's definitely not He's not Kurva is a Hungarian word But the rest is not I don't unless I don't know these words If he's speaking he's going with such a bad accent

That I can't understand what he's saying He's really fucking brutal Yeah It's really too bad we can't watch it It's really a lot to watch right It sounds like a lot It looks like blue bands affected Even blue bands not interested in

Blue bands This whole demeanor changed Yeah he was sullen for a minute He's never sullen like that He was like Why do people do that in the world? I agree This is another

I don't know why it makes you laugh so hard That's I think the real Wait wait Can we discuss The real thing is that Two people in the normal people in the room were like And you think it's hilarious No I thought it was bad

Yeah I thought it was funny that you were like That's why you're choking and laughing Because of his reaction Yeah Two of these kids are having healthy reactions One of them isn't What part's the funniest to you

Where she's choking or being called a whore Kurva Yeah Kurva's whore He got He got Wait you know what's going on here That can't

Hey girl Oh my god Oh my god You're egg-low It's so disturbing Go on home Oh you Asians What about you

You just pung-pow my ass Kung-fu motherfucker Oh yes I want to see a sweet and sour sauce Sounds like Korea What's going on is I got it Asians

No So it's two transsexuals having sex Oh god I just I don't need it in my life I don't know why I'm bringing it into my world There's so much shit I don't need to know Like I have such a finite amount of space in my brain And this is not necessary

Well there's a really funny part So The Asian girl The Asian person The Asian transsexual Is doing the work Has the penis in the butthole The other person

Is making kind of racial remarks As she's getting plowed by an Asian transsexual Does that make sense now No I mean again I have such Is that your cock I'm pung-pow my ass Kung-fu motherfucker

Oh yes I want to see a sweet and sour sauce Bang bang boogie to the boogie to the broccoli Oh I love it Yes Fuck me harder God yes Mr. Honey

Yes bitch you know you understand me Fuck me You're so hot Oh yes the egg foo young motherfucker The egg foo young So I thought you'd enjoy that one more I do I like that You know I like the way it's just stacked

Always Yeah I pulled away Yeah As a favor Thanks Oh man That made me fucking laugh

Kid Yeah that's interesting Tanner When I started drinking with my dad He really liked me When I was in my 20s But that was a good decade with my pops Yeah So I'm going to play this song

Going out It's um Right Yeah Where are we at We're at 90 minutes Chong with the chong A bang a bang diggy diggy

Chong to the ching to ching to ching diggy diggy That was a good song My name is Kid You like Kid Rock huh I never knew you were that No I just I just remember that song for the 90s Oh shit Chang

That's why we hired you Chang ching ching ching Okay the fill her up Seal her shut Seal her shut So we need new song It's not copy written by a Mexican mariachi band Yeah

Here we go Submission number one from Ethan What do you think? Fill her up and Seal her shut Here we go Music It's good

It's um How do I get It's it's good It's like an alti It's like a version of a popular song though right It's like just Just Right

It's like a Tweaks or no Death cab for cutie type And then his his audio Didn't seem clear to me Yeah it's a little hard to hear Muffle If that was fixed

We need to get it fixed if we pick that song Yeah he needs a Just a clear Sing on that Sing song All right well I still like it Ethan has good Yeah I like that a lot

John submitted This Fill her up And seal her shut Fill her up Seal her shut Seal her up Seal her shut

Yep Kind of all you need Oh I like that It's good Simple and we don't have anything with a country western vibe So it really Kind of a new vibe It differentiates itself from the other themes we have

Yep I do like that I do like that Very nice This one's from Chris Let's see Chris's entry for fill her up And seal her shut Oh you like it already

I can see you smile Fill her up Seal her shut That was tough Seal her shut Fill her up Seal her shut Fill her up

Fill her up and seal her shut Fill her up Fill her up Fill her up And seal her shut Fill her up and seal her shut Fill her up And seal her shut

Seal her shut It's kind of like a craft of a kind of Yeah You know New wave sort of feelings Ali These big naps He made it

That was that one was really good I thought You know I I'm torn between the country western and this Yeah Is this another entry? Yeah I'm Ali It's good too That's a good sound

It's a roller skating jam Oh I like this It's a lot man Man they're so good homie It's another good one man It's really good I like it a lot Really good

Fuck Thank you Ali This is so hard Foof Who's this right here Who's this fucking guy Who's this fucking guy over here What's going on over here

Oh This is down in the dungeon I feel like right Yeah In the little industrial goth time Little KMFEM Yeah Nessie Speaking of goth

Speaking of goth Speaking of goth I ain't feeling this Uncertain size of toxin He's good He's good Stupid question Is this a filler out there

Might just be a song No I think this is a song It says Okay It's a great song Great It's a great song I'm a fan

Yeah I can Wow the bevy of talent Amongst our listeners TP TP TPK That's fucking phenomenal dude Yeah it's just it's too much talent

I don't I don't I know Matthew sent this in Oh see he he's stuck with the vibe I think The Latin, yeah The Latin, yeah The Latin, yeah The Latin, yeah The Latin, yeah

The Latin, yeah The Latin, yeah This feels more Latin vibe Good Very good Did you make uh did you Resend me the um the song the Yeah

Yeah yeah it's in the crazy looks folder Oh it's in the folder Okay okay So we have um this was submitted by a listener right Yeah it sounds like a stew A listener Oh the push and anthem Yeah

Yeah A listener took crazy looks songs and helped him make a better song Oh wow that's awesome Good He needs help Basically crazy looks inadvertently has A better song Thanks to you know who said it's nice I don't see who it is

Uh Soundcloud is stewing Stoom S-T-O-O-M-I-E S-T-O-O-M-I-E on Soundcloud Thank you sir we'll leave you guys We need to get by the way can we get a poll going For the filler up song? We'll do a filler up poll

Yeah comment on the youtube clip It'll come out of the day after Okay so we'll do a youtube clip That's perfect we'll do a youtube clip saying Hey here's a filler up Contestants and then you guys can say Underneath that in the comments the first one the second one or yeah let's have listeners because I'm I'm really torn yeah these are great I can't decide

I'd love for you guys to comment on it So we'll do that um stew me thanks a lot here is Crazy looks pushing made by stew me going on out so thank you guys We'll see you next week Chris Lotion's going to keep anything Feeling from the training to the rapping Crazy loves gotta be anything pushing from the training To the outcome and it's sad

From the training to the rap crazy Mohanic treasury To the hoping and it's sad Being saying You know do it for that love And give me the love Pushing

Be a thug you got to Just keep it true Just be yours What's up, Chris Lotion? From the Micastrict You're so right I do it so good in every way In every way

Play with what I got What's up, Onis? Pushing Suck to my thugs Pushing in the gang We all maintain You know what I'm saying? For reals, dawg

For reals, dawg Gang's good Straight up, dawg You know what I'm saying? For reals, dawg For reals, dawg Just live in Like a beast

Chompers up to everybody Doing these things Stuff like that Chompers up to everybody Chompers up to everybody Doing these things Crazy Loves got to keep A's fine Pushing

From the training To the rapping Crazy Loves got to A's fine Pushing From the training To the rap in And it's sad Keep A's fine

Pushing From the training To the rap in Crazy Loves got to A's fine Pushing From the training To the rap in And it's sad

Keep A's fine Pushing I love speaking for y'all Entertaining my fans Stuff like that For the love Pushing Pushing

Sure You know, Crazy Loves had to speak for y'all One time God bless y'all Pushing God is good Homie Oh, and Crazy Loves being

Pushing and stalling In these streets Pushing Stopping He's out here Doing this dizzle The shizzle God bless

Pushing A DJ Probably by Exclusives