Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 338-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: April 6, 2016

Hello, F**K Boys! We are ready for you to do battle. On guard! T Bunz went on local TV in Cleveland and called out Crazie Locs. We thought that would have been the biggest news of this episode, but it isn't because - BRACE YOURSELF - CRAZIE LOCS finally speaks directly to us.  Did that last sentence process? If it didn't read it again.  Also, you know what I'm saying, you feel me, understand? And now SMELL ME? All in one clip from one person and he's the only one speaking. Amazing. 

One, two, one, two, three, 15 jeans. This reminds me of my high school days, going to industrial clubs. I can't at the end. Speaking of cox. Yeah. Yeah. I ain't feeling like this. You like those uncircumcised cox that I recall?

Sure. Sure. Yeah. It's good. It's good. Yeah. We played this last week. Stupid question.

Bro, I think I said the same thing, too. It's a good song. Yeah. What are you gonna do? When it's right, it's right. It's fucking right. Stupid question. Can't go wrong with a good song, man.

This is really good. Yeah, you like uncircumcised guys as I recall, right? As I recall. As I recall, right? You got any coming those balls? Yeah, you like uncircumcised guys as I recall, right? Right. I love it.

You're just asking him, right? It is. Sir. TP. Thanks, TP. I recall, sir. Thanks to everybody that came out to five sold out shows in Cleveland. Wow.

Oh, hi. Oh, Cleveland steamer. Then your boy, old jumbo ding dong over here. I have Spokane, Sperm can Washington at the all new sperm can comedy club April 21st through 23rd, May 5th through May 7th. Jacks me off Sunville, Florida into comedy zone there. New reduced New York, May 20th and 21st at the funny bone in Sear Mike pubes, New York. Good.

And then New York shit, New Pork titties. You guys are on the schedule right now. You are. Oh, that's the wrong one. You are not till September, but they're already on sale. It's Caroline's September 8th, 9th and 10th. And then fart her Delphi. Fart fill her up Delphia.

Fill her up the Pennsylvania. The truckadero theater November 19th. It's a long ways away. Sounds like I don't need to buy my tickets. It's more than half sold out. And it's in November. The truckadero theater. Get them now while you can.

Farts. April 7th at the Irvine improv eight o'clock show. Come there April 7th and then April 20th at the Harbor, Vitara Harbor comedy club. Right. Yeah. Vitara County and 20th Hitler's birthday. And then May 27th and May 28th La Jolla comedy store La Jolla. That's fancy sandy.

Yeah. It's real nice in La Jolla. Real nice. May 27th, May 28th. And then every Saturday night I'm usually at the comedy store eight o'clock show. Not this Saturday because we have family coming into town. We sure do. But usually I plan on being there.

This show today is loaded. So with come. So let's get through these ads. You ready to do this? Ready to get into this? I feel like I know where this is going and I don't like it. Oh, do you? That's weird.

We're ready. Let's start the show, man. Yeah. Boys out there trying to talk shit against me. Oh, okay. Oh, I see you have a gun. Do you? You have a gun.

Do you? I'll put down my weapon. I'll put down my weapon. I will put down my weapon. I got another fucking sword. Fucking bitch. Holy shit. Yeah.

Don't bring your weapon to this. Don't burn me in the fucking sand. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Don Segura talking to Suzu. Christina Pazitzin. Christina Pazitzin. Welcome to your mom's house.

Oh, God. Get in there. My audience is moving, man. You're horrible. By the way, it's really cool. I was reading that first ad and you were searching for your email. You were like... Oh, sorry.

So that first ad has you just exasperated. You know why? Because 5,000 different people send us the copy every week. I know. I don't know who the fuck to look for. Hey, hey, take it easy. Isn't this so demeaning? Look at this.

Like a goat. You are a goat. That's why they call you goat lips. If you have trouble finding the fucking ads, why don't you just... LinkedIn is helpful. Use LinkedIn and get all the ads there. LinkedIn is helpful. LinkedIn is helpful.

Nobody actually uses LinkedIn. I feel like LinkedIn only exists to be invited to use it, and then nobody really uses it. Someone wants to add you to their LinkedIn profile. Yeah, always wanting to add, but never really using. No thanks. Don't want anything to do with you. LinkedIn.

What a great... First of all, it's cool. Your first boyfriend has a video ad. I think it is. It could be. It kind of reminds me of him. No, but this dude, he's not playing games with all you fuck boys. I think fuck boy is one of my favorite, like fuck boy.

What does it mean? It's a demeaning, you're a bitch of a bitch of a man. You're not even a man. You're a fuck boy. You're a fuck boy. It's a huge insult. Have you heard? Fuck boy.

Yeah, it's no good. It's kind of, you know where it came from? I think it came out of the fact that it's socially unacceptable to basically say faggot. Oh, okay. It's like an anger. Fuck boy is pejorative. It's full of venom. I think it's almost like a replacement for that.

So instead of faggot, you're saying fuck boy. Yeah, it's meant to be really insulting. Right. I think it's something that people can yell without being like, hey, watch yourself. Right. It's the PC version of faggot. I think so. Yeah.

I really feel like it is. Yeah. Well, I like fuck boy. If I can't say faggot, I'm going to say fuck boy. Sounds like you're already doing it. Sounds like it worked. I think I like this new system about this is how you get around the political correctness. You just find a new word for the same thing.

That's exactly what's happening. Yeah, I'm on board. Looking for that new end bomb. Me too. Anyone? Any suggestions? You fuck boys out there? Trying to talk shit against me?

Oh. Oh. You have a gun. I like how slowly he puts it away. Do you? You have a gun, do you? I'll put down my weapon. I'll put down my weapon.

Okay. I will put down my weapon. I got another fucking sword, you fucking bitch. Yeah. I love him. Yeah. You're talking that shit. This guy could have very well dated.

You definitely could have dated that guy. Yeah. He reminds me of Christian Slater a little from the 90s. God. Is that really? Yeah. I don't know. Something about him.

That's fucking funny, man. I would ask what's going on there, but it's like, why bother at this point? Yeah. Yeah. Why, why even ask? I used to care. And now I'm like, you know what? It's just worlds.

It's just the world. What happens when you do 338 episodes in Mom's house? I don't even know where to start with this. What's going on? With this weekend or with this show, there's so many things to talk about. You know, one of the great things that happened was this weekend. Oh God. Are we going to talk about this already?

You think we should? I think it's a pretty good idea. Oh, Jesus. Fuck. Here's your boy. Can I? Thanks for coming out to flappers, guys. What a fun weekend in Bourbon.

That's your boy, DJ Dadmouth. I saw. So did you make the horn sounds without you actually DJing? Yes. Yes. And then you went. And you did it kind of, you know, like this is my first time. Yeah.

Yeah. Sure it was. And then how to feel. Felt amazing. I've never had so much joy. I even texted you a picture of myself. I know. Smiling ear to ear saying I can't sleep because I'm just thinking about my DJing career.

Because I canceled all the rest of my stand updates for the year. So here's what happened. I'm in. I'm in Cleveland. Yeah. Doing shows. And I see on Twitter, somebody tagged me in a tweet. Oh, so cool that Tom Segura and Hannibal Burris are in Cleveland at the same time.

So I look at Hannibal's page and he's doing a pop up show. I'm like, oh, I have two shows tonight. Maybe I can get him to come over on the early show. So I send him a text. I said, are you, are you in town? Do you want to come and pop into a guest spot on my early show? And he says, sure. So he comes by the club and he has his DJ.

He has a DJ that he brings to all his shows. Right. Tony Trim, who's a great guy. And I just met that night. I love Hannibal, by the way. I haven't seen him in a minute, but I really like that guy. Hannibal's great. So first of all, I have a video of him hitting the stage.

What's the DJ's name? Tony Trim. Tony Trim. Yeah. DJs, why do all DJs have like the coolest personality? He's the coolest guy. I know. They all are.

Yeah. You want to hang out with him for sure. Starting from scratch. Yeah. Hang out with that guy in London. It's been bad. They are the fucking coolest dudes. Because they like, you know, they love music.

Yeah. So, I mean, they love, they like having a good time. They're DJs. Yeah. And they're kind of down to earth. Because I feel like DJing, it's a real humble gig in the beginning, much like standup. Which is why they usually, you click with them. Yeah.

It's the same grassroots effort. Like, does anyone want to hear me DJ? Yeah. Fuck you asshole. And it takes 10 years. Yes. Really getting good. I love your scratch.

That's really cool. Do you scratch with two hands? Yeah. Yeah. It's a big record. Make sure you use two hands. So, anyways, I, these guys both see me getting really excited. Oh, no, no.

I'm jumping ahead. Handball does a guest spot. I have a video of him hitting the stage. That place erupted. I mean, it was like, you announced, guess what, George Carlin isn't dead. He's right here. Like they went fucking great, which was cool to watch. Yeah.

And he said the, it was great. And also I should say Bill Squire was on the shows, the full charge coming back to the West Coast. Good. He stopped in and did me a favor doing those shows. So it was great. So anyways, the panel's like, I'm going to do my show on the other side of town, other side of town, meaning six, seven miles away.

And he says, if you want afterwards, I'm having, I'm throwing an after party. And this is, he does this in a lot of cities. Like finds a place after his show and has a party. And, you know, obviously DJ, his DJ doesn't just do his live show. He does the after party. You want to come? I go, sure. And then he texts me, I'll let you DJ a few songs.

Oh my God. Did your dick just explode off your body? I was like, I started texting him love letters. I was like, dude, this is a man. Sorry. How did Hannibal know that you were interested in DJ? He just knows, I mean, we've, we've talked about music before, but then he saw, I mean, right there, I was like asking the DJ all about equipment.

Okay. So he was watching you guys. He was watching us. Yeah. May I say for the record, Hannibal Bures is the type of gentleman who should have Bures. Yes. A DJ opening for him. Like he's a cool.

He's a cool dude. Yeah. Like it's a melody. I can see him being like, okay, this is part of his, his steez, you know. Well, we were talking about it how when, when Tony's not available, I was like, is that the worst? He's like, yeah, absolutely. Because I like the vibe that it sets for my show.

Sure. You know, then I, then I'm asking a sound guy, can you do this? And they never do. What? Yeah, I know. It's like it's the most impossible request. Well, like this weekend at Flippers. I did my shows and they're great.

Thank you for asking. And I requested a song. How were your shows at Flippers? They were amazing. Were they? Yeah. Super, super fun. You had, um...

I opened Maryland Rice Cub. Who I love. How about that? And then Dave Reinhart. It's my homie. Yeah. Anyways, I asked the, you know, the DJ, can you just bring me up to like John Spencer Blues explosion?

Who? Okay. The song is called Two Kinds of Love. What's that? And then how far in should I start? I'm like, dude, just fucking make it good. Yeah. You're the DJ.

Yeah. You fucking, you should know these things. And you know what? That's your fuck one job. You could have hired this guy right here. DJ Dan Malk could have opened me up. Could have had him just fucking... Can I compliment you on your, like you got down what DJs do, like the pointing and the...

Of course. You know, it's all coming together. Look at that still. That looks fucking... It's like Fugmaster Flex right there. You do look like you could be a DJ though. I'm going to be a DJ. Right.

No, I am going to DJ. Yeah. Yeah. No, no, no. I can hear the sarcasm and the response. You know what's great about our garage is that it's really soundproofed. Yeah. Let me finish.

It's down there. This is the best news ever. Oh boy. Then I get a message from him. So he's like, you know, come, come hang out. And you're like, okay, I'm going to come. I have two shows. I have a show that starts at, you know, 9.30, 10.

I'm going to get it. And you're like, I'm going to go. But you're, it's still like, I got to get in a car, go across town. I get off stage and Hannibal knows, no, we're going to do the after party at the club that you're at, at the comedy club. Oh, even better. So I'm like, that's the, that's, you don't have to go anywhere. Yeah.

The only thing better would be like it's in your hotel. Yeah. I know. So, so he shows up with Tony. They, you know, they set up in the lounge, people are hanging out, having drinks. He sets up and then I go up there and I go kind of get like a little tutorial. The eats are showing me stuff, but Tony's like, give me kind of a crash course. And, you know, he's like, oh, you're not intimidated by buttons.

And I go, I think I actually doing this show has, I go, you know, I'm always playing drops, adjusting things. And right. Is this similar to what? It's not, I mean, it's not, they have a board there that, you know, I think he was plugged into. It's just that the, his actual, it's, you know, two basically two churned tables and a microphone.

Yeah. And a mixer. And it's just that remembering, oh, this does this and that does that. I can memorize that and not be like, what is all this right away? I don't know what I'm doing, but I'm saying electronic devices that have different functions don't make me go. I'm not doing anything with that. Yeah.

It's not as daunting. It's not as daunting. So I'm starting to learn the thing, you know, the very basics. I'm starting to, I have him take a picture and video. I send it to you and then we're laughing so hard at your responses because your responses are like, no, you should be embarrassed. This is embarrassing. Like so, so demeaning.

Horrible. So gay. Yeah. I'm sorry. It was so fuck boy of you. Not gay. Can't say game. Yeah.

You're, it's just like, and then I keep telling him, I'm like, I keep showing him the messages and I'm like, I just enjoy this. And he was like, dude, I'm going to give you free Skype lessons. I'm going to get you in. What's the sky's name? Tony trim. Thanks, Tony. For the free lessons via Skype, um, oh my, what are you doing to my life?

Having fun. We're having fun. God damn it. So anyways, I had an absolute blast doing that. Yeah. I have ordered. No. Yes.

I ordered the same equipment. Yes. Okay. Great. Um, how much of an investment is this? It's under $15,000. Oh, God. Well, sorry, little jeans.

You don't need diapers. Dad's got a scratch board. Your baby doesn't need a formula or closed dad scratching this weekend and Cleveland. It's pretty good. So no, it's absolutely not expensive. Actually, you would, you would be surprised. Yeah. Seriously.

You don't need to know. You don't need to fill me in. We don't need to talk about it. Can I tell you this? I'll tell you this. Yeah. It's far less than a laptop. Oh, that's cool.

Yeah. So it's not, it's not a crazy thing. It's like buying a keyboard. Sure. Yeah. You know why? Because it's one of those things where as time progressed and they made it easier for people to access things, it drove the price down as everything.

Yeah. Um, now this may be a dumb question, but do the DJs use records anymore? It's all. Well, you can. This is plugged in with a computer. Wow. So you go to your iTunes. Yeah.

And you're like, yeah. So then how do they blend the two songs together? How do you do that? I mean, that's part of the, that's all. There's a mixer in the board. Yeah. I feel like I'm a thousand years old. And it has a built-in horn drop.

As long as you do the horn drop, I'm fine. Yeah. And it also has gunshots. Here's what I'm really, I'm not, I'm, I'm going to come out and say it right now. Okay. I feel like I'm going to put it, it's going to be obviously in the garage. It's going to be something I do recreationally for fun. When I get to the point where I'm not like obviously going to be a professional DJ, but

when I get to the point where I have a, um, a decent command of how to, you know, get songs playing, moving together, like I have some command of, of this board. I'm going to do a show somewhere. I don't know what city it'll be. And then I'm going to have an after party where I'm going to bring that shit and we're going to DJ the live party. I think you should do it. DJ DadMouth.

DJ DadMouth. Are you committing to DJ DadMouth or is it DJ PolyBuy? I feel like, I feel like DadMouth is who I am. Yeah. I feel like, uh, I feel like that's the right DJ name for me. Yeah. Plus it's a huge shout out to your mom's house listeners, which let's face it will be your only audience in the beginning.

Maybe in the beginning. Yeah. I really build that Ibiza following. Are you going to Ibiza to spin Ibiza? Ibiza. Yeah. Um, Miami. I feel like that'll be on the, you know, on the leg of it.

I feel like it'll be kind of like Spokane, Syracuse, Ibiza, something like that. Those are huge DJ. Now you have to go to Miami too. Like I got to start. I got a book, a Miami gig, ASAP Miami, and then you got to do Vegas. That's where all the DJs and you love Vegas. That's the cool thing is now you get to go to all your favorite cities, Las Vegas, Miami, the best thing about Ibiza, if I do a Miami gig is that I can do the gig and be like,

Hey, my DJ set starts at midnight and the Miami is like, that's what time I'm waking up. Yeah, sure. Let me tell you something. What I love about this DJing gig is that it really combines everything you love in life, which is staying up late, late nights, hanging out with tons of strangers, loud music, your favorite places like Vegas, Miami. These are all things that just say Tom Segura exclusively lights.

Just like that whole rowdy sort of, I see you there. That is your lane. So you've really found a good lane. Look at this guy. Just stay with it. Have you ever seen? So happy. Ever seen me happy.

And then you tweeted. Yeah. When I tweeted this out, I hate seeing you so happy. Yeah. I give you, I give you two or three of these before you're like, I don't know. Two or three. What? Geeks.

Here's my prediction. DJ dad mouth after two shows on a late night Saturday and you're like, oh, I got this thing lined up to DJ and then after 1230 midnight, after you've done your two and two and a half, three hours of stand up and exhausted, you've flown across the country and you've been up doing press that morning at five a.m. You're going to be dreading it. And then, you know, you'll do it and you'll be like, I wish I didn't have a fucking DJ tonight.

Wait till you see the crowds. I have just like just jumping and singing and dancing. It's going to be crazy. I can't wait. I'm going to call Maceo and I get some tips from him too. Okay. Why don't you talk to DJ scratch, starting from scratch? I might talk to him.

Yeah. That guy is cool as shit. Yeah. They're all cool. They're all cool, man. Oh, so I probably should have left that up, but I want to fucking kill myself. Did you put this? Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Here it is. By the way, you know, you haven't seen it yet, but I was in when I was in Cleveland I stopped by the local morning TV show and I, oh, I probably should open it here. I did a little interview. Looks good. And people were digging it, man. You know, I did something that you might not be expecting, but I just wanted to show you.

You know we are. I'm a guy like this on the show. Welcome Ohio native comedian Tom Segura folks. So okay, before we get into this, shout out to everybody all over the world doing a thing and stuff like that. Shout out to Danny acts, XVLB, you know what I'm saying? Got it. So, okay, this guy, I didn't want to know anything about him before he came on.

I thought there's a lot of mystery behind these sunglasses. I started asking him some questions like, you know what, I'm just going to stop. So this is one big surprise coming up here. So I first want to welcome you, tell you I think you have the coolest style of any comedian that has come on the show. I appreciate you. I appreciate you. Thank you very much.

This is your look normally. This is how I look. Yeah. Coming from Ohio being from Cincinnati, like where do you kind of get your inspiration I guess from your clothes? You know, from the streets mostly, you know, I travel a lot. I'm a SoCal guy now. I just picked it up from, you know, fights, fighting people, you know, beef and like I

got this, you know, I don't know. Beef. Why have you had some beef with crazy looks? Is it? Yeah. It's funny you mentioned looks. So he's this rapper from San Jose that has been, you know, challenging me on YouTube, wanting to fight and, you know, he like physically fight.

Yeah. He wants to step in the ring and he's been working out like Target and Walmart training and stuff. Yep. And, you know, I just wanted him to know that I've been in Home Depot and Staples and I've been throwing around like two by fours and I'm just ready to get down. I just want him, you know, I'm saying I want him to know, you feel me, don't talk about you don't say that I'm ready to do this.

So whenever he wants to step in the ring, we can get down. All right. Well, that's a challenge there. All right. Well, that's a challenge. She actually, I got to get her credit. She really went with the, you know, she rolled with it. Yeah.

Yeah. What a horrible job. Her job. Yeah. Well, yeah. I mean, the thing I was thinking about too is how many of the other morning shows I've done where they would have just been like, we got to go. Yeah.

They just would not. Yeah. Out there for the world. I want the whole world to know that just reach out to crazy loaks and we can do this whenever he wants to do it. Okay. Well, I don't want to mess with you. And do you do this with other comedians too?

Do you get into these? I mean, if they want to feel these hands, yeah, they can let me know and I'll let them know right back. You know, I try to keep it, you know, pretty easy most of the time. If I'm DJing or if I'm, you DJ as well. Yeah. I'll be DJing this weekend here. I'm going to tweet out the location for a pop-up show.

So I'll be, I didn't even realize how fucking serendipitous that was because that was before the, oh really? Yeah. Oh my gosh. That's like, you called it. Yeah. Stand up. I'll be doing some, some sex.

Wow. So you do it. So you do it all? Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What else do you do that I'm not aware of? I mean, gymnastics.

I do that. I'm not laughing, but I'm actually pretty damn good. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I could do, if I wanted to, I could do six flips right here right now. Seriously?

Yeah. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. If we didn't have these cameras right here, I would, I would challenge you. You have too much to put them in and I don't want to pay that. You don't want them to pay the cost effects. So gymnast as well. Gymnast. I'm an animal trainer.

I train dogs. I can train, I'm actually one of the few guys that can train cats too. By the way, that was the closest I came to laughing really hard. I had to bite my lip a little bit when I said that, and I was like, it's so stupid. So a lot of people. What's the coolest thing you train cats to do? I'm about to laugh right there. Probably answer a phone.

Not like Mr. Jinx with the, the flushing the toilet, did they know how to do that too? I train the cat. If he, if he hears a phone ring, yeah, he could hit the speakerphone button. I like this guy because you can't tell why he's serious. Why is he joking? Is that, is that what you're, that's what your colleagues like to do? We see your hand. What was the hand?

Somebody was going. Oh, I hate that. They ruined the phone. Yeah. I mean, anyways, you know, I put it out there, man. So great. So they must have heard your call. I feel like the, the world, but I'm also talking about Lokes.

I put that out there for Lokes, you know. Oh, right. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's pretty, and by the way, where did you find that, the, the, the way you sent me really? How'd you get ahold of that? Yeah.

Someone sent it into the email today. Yeah. Wow. Okay. You all right, babe? It's probably the worst moment in the history of the show right now. It's probably the worst moment ever in the history of, of your mom's house is listening to you do that.

So, so check this out. Oh, uh, three 15 is on Lokes. Okay. Thanks, man. So I did that on local press in Cleveland and then this morning, this comes on, this comes into us and just tell me what you think of this shit. Oh, shit. Yeah.

That's the right answer. I still got it. So shout out to everybody doing their thing, it's rocking beat in the house, rocking beat boxing, production, the best boxing promoter, the 209 has to offer shout out to the DS boys. If you boys ever want to step up to a real promoter, how long is this? It's way too fucking long. But here's the thing that happens about this guy talks for a while, talks a lot of shit.

You know, you want to talk some shit and then after a little bit of house, am I right? So you have now a walk in a four so great that it cannot be restrained. Uh-oh. Like I said, you have rattled the lion's cage. Oh, shit. I don't know what you think he's got in there. Crazy Lokes. No.

What's up? Talking about me and stuff like that, we'll get it cracking and stuff like that. Let's get it cracking out of gym and stuff like that. No retail store, get on some gloves and stuff like that. We'll get a thing cracking and stuff like that. You feel me? For reals though. Let's get it on the channel eight and stuff like that.

You got channel eight crazy Lokes is ready to step up and step in the ring at whatever weight you think you're ready at. Crazy Lokes can be ready. His fitness level, his cardio. Damn, is he a black eyes or is that paint? No, it's. Doesn't that look like black eyes? It's an iron deficiency.

Okay. This is amazing. This guy found crazy Lokes. He did. This guy was at my show in Sacramento and did he give you a heads up like, hey, no, he was like one of the front row guys that I talked to, you know, like throughout that show. And then he went and found crazy Lokes. This is his dedication in his knowledge of boxing is more in his little finger than you

got to do. Rather large and serious. Okay. So we will await your answer crazy Lokes, what else you got for the man? I'll take you out and I'll take your wife and shout goes out to Tom Segura and shout goes out to Christina. Everybody got blessed. We don't keep it pushing.

That's too nice. Crazy Lokes. We've got, he's been talking master about us in North Carolina. Crazy Lokes. We've got to concentrate now. We've got to keep it pushing. We've got to keep it pushing. This is one of the greatest moments of my life.

Crazy. Crazy Lokes just made it crazy. This is so crazy. This has never happened. Look, we never get to get this far with our, you know, our subjects. Yeah. This is amazing. What's going to happen?

Are we going to do this? Well, there's a little more. Okay. Shout out to everybody doing their thing for Rock and Beat and for Crazy Lokes. Mr. Segura, we're going to await your answer whether we have to come to SoCal or whether you'd like to come up to Northern California to the ghetto as you have referred to. Come to the gym. Let's get, have I referred to that as the ghetto?

I don't think so. Crack in. That's what I'm talking about. We're ready, sir. We'll be waiting for your response. And God bless. God bless everybody. God bless everybody doing their thing.

All right. You're going to rap for us, Crazy Lokes. Get my rap on the way out. Crazy Lokes on the mic. I straight do it so right. I do it so good. Hope you understand. I keep it so true when I spit.

No fear. I straight do it so right. I do it so good. Hope you understand. I keep it so true when I spit. No fear of what I said. I straight do it from the hip, from the temple, from the brain. Crazy Lokes is a thug.

It's going to maintain in every way. No play. Okay. So, yeah. I'm sorry. I'm just processing it. I know. It's really amazing.

I feel like I can't, my brain can't comprehend it. So this dude on the right owns a restaurant. And that came up during the show. Many ways. He was like, we're just talking about that. And then I think it was, I forget how far it is from, I think he said he just drove two hours to meet Crazy Lokes. Oh my God.

So at the end of this video, because this ends here pretty quickly, right? Yeah. And then it's like, it's just him making a video that he actually shot on the way to meet Crazy Lokes. So I guess he took to heart the part where, before I was saying, we could do, we could get together and sell tickets

and do a charity thing. He is suggesting we do one for mental health awareness. Hey, that's great. Let's do it. Well, we just have to figure out what exactly are we selling tickets to? It's really up to you, Segura. I know.

He said I could spar him. But, I mean, come on. I don't know. Is that really... Is that a good idea? Yeah. Let's marinate on this a moment. Maybe.

DJing challenge? But Lokes isn't a DJ. He's a rapper. Hello. So you want to do a show with him? Hello. Yes, obviously. One of the greatest rappers,

one of the greatest DJs alive together. Oh my God. Do you think you could sell tickets to them? I think to our fans we could. I mean, if you're donating to charity, you can start selling tickets to, you know, actually for what you're watching. So you want to do it in NorCal or SoCal?

Well, do it in NorCal. I think that's an idea. I'm not saying it's set in stone, but I think it's a good idea. Okay. Well, here's another idea. Okay. Hear me out.

All right. Why don't we do a fucking your mom's house podcast live and invite crazy Lokes down and do that and make it like massive your mom's house event. That's a good idea. And then maybe the big finale is you

and crazy Lokes DJing. And you guys can kind of prepare and, you know. Yeah. And that will be really crazy. Crazier than crazy. Crazy Lokes. What do you think? SoCal?

It's a pretty good idea. And we can get a huge venue. I think this is going to be a thing. SoCal or NorCal? NorCal. No, SoCal. Do it down here. Then you got to bring crazy Lokes down, dude.

We go up there. Okay. We'll see. That's what I think we do. I think we go up there and do it. Okay. Because you could also, everybody, we could, you know,

invite every Sacramento listener, every San Jose listener, every San Francisco. San San Francisco could come out, too. All right, shit. It should be a big thing. Look, let's, let's, I think that's a great idea.

That'd be really fun. Hold on. We have to donate to charity. Yeah, we could do that. Pretty good. That'd be awesome. I can't, I can't believe this happened. I'm, it's very surreal.

When they actually talk back to you. Yeah. It's very weird. Hey, the dude says in the video, he's like, you got my email. I don't have your email. He says the email's in this. Where?

You don't put it on the screen. Where's your email? Yeah, we got it at the Gmail. His? Oh, not crazy. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. No, no, the guys. I feel like we got to go through it.

Yeah, I know. But do you have his email? Crazy Lokes? No, no, no. The guy. His. Yeah. Okay.

All right, cool. Wow. Do you know what? This feels like the TV's talking to you. You know? Yeah, I know. You're like, what? It's so weird to see my name in a video like this, you know?

Right. Yeah. Damn, dude. Stuff like that. Stuff like that. This is crazy. Yeah, man. This is a big shout out to everyone.

All over the world. It's really doing their thing. Wow. Well, I just have. That is exciting news. That is so fucking funny and so good, man. I can't believe it. There's also the disc tracks.

Disc tracks? Where? In that Crazy Lokes folder. Yeah. M.C. Nomsayin made two disc tracks. Oh my gosh. Okay, okay. We'll go out on one of those.

Okay. Anyways, that's huge. I've wanted to. I haven't even seen it. So I just want to know because this is like something that I figure like you probably need to watch. Let's see where it is. Hi. So.

Yeah, we were sent this a few times. This video is my official review of eating ass. Okay. Okay. This is something that I feel like you need to watch with. I think you need to pay a little better attention to. Right. This is like one of the courses you didn't do well in in school, you know.

So it's like. I gotta go. Well, this is something that I'm hopefully it hits you in the heart, you know. You ready? What else did you do this weekend? I didn't see any movies or. Hi. So this video is my official review.

She's like 12 of eating ass. This weekend, recently, I had the pleasure of eating ass. People have asked me, Vanessa, why? And I say, why not? They have asked me. How was it? Yeah. And I have given lots of thought into this question and I have decided that it would

be best that I just make a general review in my one experience. She's, um, I don't know if she needed to put the music on for this moment though. Right. You should put it in as an edit thing later. Now, first of all, I rate the experience a 6.5 out of 10. That's not bad. Originally, I rated it a 6, but I gave it some thought and I think a 6.5 is more fitting. I just really want you to think about that on the terms of how enjoyable it might be

for you. Mm-hmm. You know? Mm-hmm. Dumb dog. Dumb dog. Um, I guess I'll weigh out the pros and cons now. The pros of eating ass are the other person will enjoy it.

Thank you. Everybody will enjoy it. Who cares? No one cares about that. It's your spouse. Next. People do. Another pro is that it doesn't taste bad.

Most people think that it... Something to think about. This bitch is dumb, dude. It's bad or they think it'll taste like poop, but it doesn't. It tastes exactly like any other... That's so dumb, buddy. First of all, if you lick... Somebody just did it.

Okay. If I lick something that has jelly coming out of it, it's going to taste like jelly. It's not going to be jelly coming out of it. If you lick a doughnut that has the chocolate coming out of it in the hole, then it licks like chocolate. But there's no chocolate coming out. There's no chocolate coming out. The chocolate lives there.

But it's not coming out. But the chocolate, it smells like the container from which it comes. It seals. You know, like when you... You keep something in a bowl or something and it retains the odors. It's... How? How?

You have to sterilize it so that it doesn't... She's crazy. This person... Crazy like a daniac. Lick. For whatever reason. It just... It doesn't taste like anything.

There you go. It's not hard to do. No chocolate. It's very easy to do. It's very easy to do. Not once. So... Can I have my coffee?

Those are the pros. The cons would be... I would say the biggest con is the smell. It doesn't smell that great. And how does it taste not... It tastes good if it smells bad, dumb dumb. She didn't say it smells bad. She says it doesn't smell that great.

Well... Come on, Matlock. That's a different thing. That's a very lawyer-y distinction. Yana. Yana. I mean... Yana, the witness said...

Okay. It doesn't smell great. It doesn't taste good. Well, that could imply that it smells good, but not great. My granny used to cook a few things that didn't smell great, but it surely tastes good. And that's terrible. You could also ask the person to, like,

wash their ass real quick before. Not a problem. It's not a problem. It's not that bad. And the smell isn't pleasant, but the smell is very bearable, I would say. Bearable. It's from this morning.

Yeah. Another con would be sometimes this person has not shaped their ass, and that's totally fine. I could take care of that, too. But if you're not a fan of hair, then you probably won't appreciate... How mortified would you be just if you're, you know, an older, little older parent

and you see this video of your daughter on YouTube and you're like, no! Of all the videos she could post. The amount of hair that can potentially be in somebody's... I think that's it for the cons. Not a lot of cons. The pros way out the cons. Thank you.

So, you know, I read it at 6.5. I didn't think it was that bad at all. I was expecting worse, and it wasn't that bad. So now that we've got the review out of the way, I would also like to address something that I was pretty upset about after this event happened. I was very upset after I had asked, because of the amount of people who I've heard say,

I don't need eyes. Are we done with this? Look into those eyes. She's looking at you right now. Okay. Yeah, we can be done. I just want you to think about it a little bit. Did I mention the movie that I narrated is out?

Do you have the name so I can pull up? Yes, the film I narrated. It's out in festivals and whatnot. It's called Can We Take a Joke? I'm the narrator. Gilbert Godfrey, Lisa Lampinelli, Penn Gillette is in it. And it's about how political correctness

is destroying the comedy world. Pretty interesting stuff. And did you know that there's a comedian being sued right now in Canada? I sure did, yeah. It's just heartbreaking. There's a really strict law about saying fuck boys

and making fun of people. Boy, that's really lame. I love you, Canada, but that's lame. I feel like I could have fucking... There's a few times I've been there where I could have gotten in trouble. Yeah. Because he made fun of that guy in Canada

and made fun of a disabled person. Yeah, a little boy. I went to sing for the Pope or something. And the line was like, he lived long and he ended up living. He's upset or who cares, whatever. It's a joke. But it's something like

when I did my... my conjoined twins, I feel like that could have been taken in Canada the wrong way. If I have the right to say anything, you certainly have the right to be offended. If I can say anything I want, you can say,

Penn shouldn't have said that. And you can say, I should talk to him anymore. And Penn shouldn't have said that. He shouldn't have a job. And Penn shouldn't have said that and he's not funny. Penn shouldn't have said that.

We're going to put the pickets out in front of the club and he shouldn't be able to go to that club. All of that is within your rights and very clearly within your rights. But just like every individual has to make a decision on just because they can say something

or just have to make the decision that just because you might feel offended by something doesn't mean you have to announce you're offended. So there you go. It's a really timely documentary. It's weird. These guys started making it.

It's all kind of exploded since then. They covered that story about that woman who tweeted as she was on her way to South Africa. She was like, I hope I don't get AIDS. Just kidding. I'm white. But who cares? And she ended up losing her job.

She ended up having to change her name. They couldn't even get her to be in the documentary because she's like, I'm not fucking touching the subject again. I got into so much trouble over a tweet. I feel like this is such a cool gig for you to get. Not only is it the cool gig of narrating something which is a good gig

but this topic basically every comedian feels this way about it and you're the voice of the film. I'm so proud of it. Ted Ballaker did it. So here's a little write-up in Maxim. A new documentary, Can We Take a Joke, presents us

with their side of the issue. Directed by Ted Ballaker, narrated by comedian Christina Pajitski. Did I say it right? The film shows how luminaries like Gilbert Godfrey, Pendulet, Lisa Lampinelli, Adam Corolla, Jim Norton, Heather MacDonald have grappled with this trend in American culture.

Spoiler alert, they're not too thrilled about it. Looks like it's been doing well at the festival. The reviews are great. I don't know yet how to see it but it's called Can We Take a Joke. I think it just debuted. It's really cool. I haven't seen it.

I haven't seen it with my narration in it but I've seen it in the raw as I was narrating it. It's so cool. Just to be clear. Comedians basically feel the way that

Pend just mentioned there. That basically summarizes which is that you have the right to feel anyway you want to feel about a joke but it's the idea that you're feeling that way outweighs

everything else that is outrageous. To have your feelings hurt, it's fine but hurt feelings don't warrant people losing their jobs. Like that woman that tweeted something okay, we get it. It's really racially insensitive

but did she deserve to lose her livelihood and have it ruin her life? She said something without thinking. She was trying to be funny and failed. She wasn't inciting violence against people or playing clips that are like, hey, Hitler, you know what I mean?

She wasn't doing those things. Gilbert lost his job at the Aflac Voice because of tweets. They're obviously not the sweetest tweets but he's a comedian, that's what he's known for. And he's a comedian who is known

for being cantankerous and saying crazy shit. So if you want the guy who's not going to say that, don't hire Gilbert. It's so corny. Anyway, they cover a lot of other examples of what's happening, especially on college campuses which is kind of really alarming

because that's supposed to be where you debate ideas of all kinds and there's a resistance even debating ideas that are considered politically incorrect. There's also this movement of, I've seen amongst some comedians of supporting that political correctness. So I guess I actually misspoke

when I said this is the universal comedian approach. It's the universal good comedians response to that stuff. Because basically every comedian that I see defending that isn't worth a shit.

I agree. So yeah, it's fucking terrible. Well, even there was something I heard on the Dr. Laura show, I listened to her for a laugh, where there was someone in a university, a Catholic university defending same-sex marriage,

just being like, I believe marriage has been a man and got thrown out of class and called a bigot and a hatred and all this crap. The Catholic stance. So not you said defending same-sex marriage. Okay. Sorry, like old school marriage.

And the teacher was like, that's hateful. How dare you? Well, okay, maybe, but why not debate it? Why not figure it out and this kid got in trouble? Or just let that person think that way. Yeah, well, you care. Interesting. The world, it's a very interesting place.

America is really crazy. I see that comedians actually defend the political correctness stuff. I've yet to see one good one. It's always somebody who who basically walks around with a lot of feelings in their comedy. So, like,

they want that defended. You know, that's kind of what they carry around is that they're very sensitive, which is fine. But I haven't really seen many working comics. No.

And also, where do you draw the line? Like, how do you know what's not going to offend anybody? What's the safe joke? Am I going to tell jokes about balloons? Or is there some kind of balloon league that's going to get mad because I'm harming the integrity of balloons?

It goes on and on. It makes me crazy. It's a topic that makes me crazy. It makes me crazy, too. Anyway, go see it. Can we take a joke? We have a voicemail that came in. How do we get that?

Oh, oh, oh. Oh, in the cheat sheet? I've been getting Persian voicemails again. What was I doing? Really? Still? Not as many. It's only been like one in the last month or so. Okay.

Let's see. We have this... Hello. Is it the professional composer? No. It should be the first one in the fan mail section. Oh, it's not an inquiry. I got you. By the way, it was really neat

in my shows at Flappers when I would walk up to stage to have fans yelling, hey, Hitler. You're like, I don't know how to respond to you right now. Oh, my God. Not everybody in this audience is a mommy, guys. No, same thing in Cleveland. The guy's like, come on, man, Hitler.

I'm like, Jesus. Fuck me in my ass. And then one guy was like, after he goes, why don't you not? Why don't you park this where it's at now? Someone goes during the middle of my set. I choose retarded. And I started laughing.

And then I did the would you rather for the audience because I had to feel like I had to fill them in. Not so much. Brought that show to a screeching halt. I had to. Some people thought money. Most people didn't. All right.

Fan mail, here we go. Over the past few months, I've woken up to occasional voicemails from a stranger in Italy. Or so I thought. Today she called during the day and she used the Italian version of my name to greet me, Matteo.

And I believe was trying to claim to know me instead of the usual ciao paola leading me to believe this may be a prank. Someone I know or maybe something far more sinister. I beg for your help by saying if any mommies out there can translate these voicemails for me,

I must get to the bottom of this somehow. Also, the voicemails themselves are pretty funny in Italian, but probably funnier if I knew what the brown she was saying. I've sent the first voicemail from three months ago along with this email over and out, Matte.

So we've got to have a fluent Italian listener. I speak it. I can translate it. So now this makes more sense. Let me see if I can play it now. Let's see what. So this is basically this person is in the same boat as you with the Persian voicemails

that ended up being absolutely fucking hilarious. That and then Addis who was a mental patient who fled his life and then I was getting panicked Addis voicemails. And then Shanaaz, who's the nurse who's been getting a lot of business

proposals and Shanaaz hasn't been answering. So many people had that number. I don't know why. I know. Great. At least I don't have bad credit. The worst is getting the creditor calls. Yeah. Which happened on our last

home line. I can basically translate this. No, I'm translating this. I told you I speak Italian. No, no, I really can basically translate it. What is it? Okay, would you want to go for it? Well, she's asking about the Volkswagen Passat

or the Echo. Which one does she like to drive more? Is that what you got? I got a little different. First of all, I don't think this is a prank. I think this is a genuine phone call. I'll tell you from my limited Italian and Spanish that is very

close in a lot of words what is going on. It sounds, first of all, definitely like an old woman. It's not a prank. Hi, Paola. So it's Hi, Paola. So I thought she was calling you Mateo, but she says Paola.

So she's talking to Paola. She says who she is. I'm sending you a thousand, I'm greeting you. I'm sending you greetings. Yeah, like a thousand hugs. Hi, Hitler.

What did I think so much about the medicine that came there? Thinking of... I don't know. I forget if she's... Fuck! Something about medicine, it sounds like, maybe. I imagine that

everything has passed. The Passat. Passat or not? I think I'm thinking about you. Normal. I greet you so much. Hi, Bella.

And then, you know, sending you hugs and bye, bye beautiful. So, basically, you were right. Is it the Passat or the Echo? Basically, what's going for there? That's so funny. But I think you got a genuine call, man.

And the fact that you keep getting them, that's the best kind. That means she's totally... It's older. It sounds to me, it's old people who aren't clued in that the voicemail is not... That their friend's phone number's changed. Yeah, it's not for you.

Yeah, the person I... I still got the other one. Speaking of... Languages. Yeah, can I tell you about the dump I took this morning, though? Oh, that would be great, baby. I feel like I didn't... I haven't talked to you about this yet.

Today we've been so busy, but... You know, when you go to shit and you're like, this is just going to be a run-of-the-mill dump, and then you look in the bowl and you're like, that's like a foot long. That's what happened. Well, that's neat. Yeah.

But it didn't feel that long coming out and it didn't feel like how many shits have you taken today? One. Really? One and it's 115. Wow, that's some kind of record. So much for Mr. I've got a problem. You go too much.

You do this thing that's so unfair. No matter when I'm taking your shit, you go, are you ever not shitting? No, it's because you always choose to take a shit when we're doing something together as a family. Like, oh, we're putting our son to sleep. I got a shit. Or we're having a nice moment with people.

I got a shit. I got a shit. It's an excuse to get away from us. I'm not using it. I have to go. La Croix is a word. I think it's La Croix. And we had this conversation.

Like St. Croix, the island of St. Croix. La Croix. La Croix. No. La Croix. Let's call them. Let's call them. How to pronounce?

Let's La Croix. What do you mean? Let's La Croix. Let's see, there's another another video here. Now, in the same the same type of post

says from the company says La Croix. Right. But how do you pronounce the word? I don't know. They're saying La Croix. La Croix.

The company is saying La Croix. That's saying La Croix. I don't know. I got emails from listeners. Some of our French-Canadian listeners saying Tommy's right. But then you're sticking to

Well, the fucking official pronunciation on their website is La Croix. But then how could that be? It says La Croix. Rhymes with enjoy. Maybe there's an accent that we're not looking at an accent mark or something or

I don't fucking know. I mean, can we call them right now? You want to try to call them? Yeah. Okay, let me see here. Now, we could end up getting into a real debate with them though, right?

I mean, you feel like that's something you want to do right now? Yeah. Okay. Let me see. Here. How do you propose that we do you think we should just call them out on what we're looking for?

Yeah, I have also some other questions. Really? Okay. La Croix Water Phone. Okay. Is there you want to ask about the

the burps or no? Yeah, let's ask that. Why does it make you burp so much? Okay. Okay, here we go. Found the phone number. One. Can they hear me?

I have to talk to that thing, right? I don't know. I think so. I think so. Here we go. Didn't get through last time, remember? I wish we could leave a message for them. Fucking Frenchies never work.

We are on holiday. They're American. No. La Croix Water Consumer Services La Croix. Thank you for calling our Consumer Service Contact Center. Currently, all representatives are busy

assisting other customers, but your call is very important to us. To better assist you, please leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message so we may return your call promptly. Thank you again for calling our Consumer Service Contact Center and have a wonderful day. Thank you.

Hello. This is Jean-Pierre. I'm calling about the mango water. It's so delicious. It's so nice.

I wonder the burps make so much gas. But all the gas comes out of the top. And none at the bottom. And my wife, I want to double a pipe

a classic, but I wonder if you have any advice. It's so good. Please message me La Croix at your mom's house

on the podcast. It's all fine. So we left a message. We'll be hearing back from them shortly. Let's call. I do need to talk to them. I feel like I have some questions too. Let's do it.

There's a lot to talk about. We have become La Croix happy in this house. I've ordered some off of Amazon.com using our banner. Click at the bottom of the homepage on your mom's house podcast.com. Mango and our strawberry one.

It's real good. It's real good. No La Croix today, but there's already one that came out. It's La Croix. She said La Croix. A

dur. Yeah. So there's a bunch. Oh, there's some non-means. And I'm saying that we should get to these. These are the Jim Jones ones. These are really good, I think.

Let me pull these up. Let's see. Is it the Jim Jones talks? Here we go. Let's see if these are the ones. This is it, right? Right here. Tell me what you think of these. You have these really strict rules about

what counts as a non-mean or what I'm saying. There's nothing that can be fair egos from clashing. You understand? I tell you, the game is about my cheese, you know, who's the macho, the provado. Smell me.

The cameras, the grits. He already said you understand and you smell me. You know, that's pretty. Is that what he said? Yeah, he said you understand to start and then you smell me. These are all different categories. The diamonds is about who's the biggest. You understand?

Once you get that bullet in the pot, you dealing with the niggas from the ghetto. You dig? Niggas that never had nothing. Smell me. And the worst ones is the niggas from the ghetto that was pussy when they came up and when they got a little bit of money, they all of a sudden turned hard rock. You understand?

You understand? First of all, I do feel what he's saying in every category. Look at the chain. He's got a different chain than the one you have. Yeah, I have that old school dookie rope, but yeah, he's got totally something else there. Are you going to be getting earrings too? Yeah.

You smell me? It's like niggas that come up in the hood and get pumped all their life, and they turn into a cop. And they start punkin' niggas. And you're like, oh, you must have been a faggot when you came up. Whoa, we don't call them that anymore. It's fuckboy.

Call a fuckboy, please. We had him in a cocksucker to turn into a cop and try to house out on us. You dig? Yeah. He's definitely calling out Ricky Rose right there. And that's what niggas be in the game. Like these niggas been faggots coming up in the hood. They ain't been outside.

Smell me? Yeah. They don't be outside. Talk that hood shit, but they don't be there. I've been through a lot of places in America and I'm talking about the hoods. Smell me? Niggas know me. The hood know me. You dig? I like that he actually mixes everything together.

I like it too. I think this is a whole new level of, you know what I'm saying? The guy really, it's playful the way he interlaces. You smell me? You dig? You understand? Yeah. This guy is varsity level. That is, because he can dip his toe

in each of the different pools. That's right. This guy has taken the game to a whole other level. We have to open up a whole new category now. This is varsity. They dig, but when you see them, these niggas got arm security. We're fucking badges.

Smell me? But they're kicking out the beef shit. Smell me? Wow, that was amazing. What a neat video. Thank you. Then he's got, you know, this might be his different smellies here. These are really good.

This is really, like you would say, a really neat, you know? Oh, that's the wrong clip. So, because he's so advanced, you would consider this what, its own thing? Yeah, he's elevated the game. This is a whole new category.

Smell me? Smell me? Smell me? Smell me? Smell me? Smell me? Smell me? Smell me? Smell me? Smell me? That's fucking amazing. I love it. A smell me super cut? We've never even had that before.

That's really impressive. It's a whole new game. Yeah, I do like that a lot. What's this gentleman's name? Jim Johnson. Smell me? Smell me? Smell me? Smell me? Smell me? Smell me? Smell me? Smell me? Smell me? Smell me? Smell me? Smell me? Smell me? I do.

That is so dumb. What a fun dumb thing. What a fun dumb thing to do, sir. Are you excited for your sister visiting this weekend? Yeah, actually, you know, it's pretty cool. I mean, she's got a lot of shit going on, so I haven't seen her in a while. That's exciting.

Yeah, I'm... This isn't Maria. This is Jane. The other one's coming. Jane's coming in. I'm excited. I can't wait. I think my cousin Julie's going to come over, too. Oh, yeah? Have a little family get to you. What about your other cousin?

Shoddy? No, I don't think so. She's too busy. She's doing other stuff. I was in the rock hall of fame this weekend. And this is the kind of thing that I imagine will be in there if you're in charge of submissions. Mm-hmm.

The world is burning. Let's masturbate. You like? I do. Who's this guy? People in the House of Parliament masturbate. People in Buckingham Palace

they masturbate. People at the United Nations they masturbate. Watercolor artists they masturbate. Lollipop ladies, Lollipop men. You would have gone to this. Yeah, no, this is... I know this band.

This is called Fad Gadget. I swear this guy is a band. I don't know. You sold me on it for sure. There's a band named Fad Gadget that guy looks just like this. You definitely would have gone to this show, though, right? Yeah. You would have dated that guy. Not dated, but this would have been my jam in high school.

But you would have hung out with this dude. I'd be like, this is the coolest show I've ever seen, yeah. Masturbating. People living in substandard houses not able to afford acrylic paint. They smash up bus shelters and they also... They're just some of the 17-year-old boys.

Masturbate? They masturbate. His message is true. The world is burning. Drugs. Let's masturbate. Drugs. Do we know who this is, this artist?

Let's just drugs. Drugs? You sound like your father. I know, because he's right. My father was right. Everybody's on drugs. They're all on drugs. Let's... Let's sing. I got it. I'm good.

I was going to tell you he has a shawty is really into the holiday clothing for the babies, you know? She has to dress up her son for the holiday. I don't do that. I don't believe... I think it's child abuse. It's St. Patrick's Day.

You're two months old up and green things. He doesn't know where the fuck he is. He doesn't know what St. Patrick's Day is. Not for a while, anyways. Now, they're babies, right? No. It's stupid. It's for you. It's for you to dress up your child. That's just for you for a long time.

Yeah. That's for you for a long time. Right? So... I got another lady screaming, but she's getting a tattoo. Oh. Wait, wait, wait. Take it. Ouch!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Okay, okay, okay. Ow!

Ow! I can feel it. Look how chilly it is. Look how calm the guy is. He gets mad. He gets mad eventually. Well, it's super unprofessional. She's drunk. Yeah, that's the problem.

It's killing me! It's killing me! Ow! Easy! Ow! That shit hurts. Yeah, that's so great. Ow! It's this lady.

Ow! Oh, I love it. I love it, man. It's killing me! Okay, okay, okay. Ow! Ow! I like it right after he said it. I need you to calm down.

That's why you don't get tattoos drunk, right? Because it's way worse. Shit got way worse. You don't want to do that. Why are you going to get some tattoos? You know, I've been wondering. I've actually been offered by a lot of people for free ones, tattoo artists.

I probably would do something to start like a neck thing. I think I see you like an old English chess piece. With your son's name on it and my name on it. Oh, yeah. What do you think? You think chess is the way to go, huh?

Do you want to start off small or knuckle? I, you know, I'm a huge fan of these. I think these are the job stoppers of the fucking class. You only maybe upper arm should be the first stop. I don't know. Can I tell you lately, and this is real talk, I've been, I like how it looks on a woman

on the inner, what is this, her forearm. Yeah, I kind of like, I want like an anger. Really? I kind of do. Or like a fisherman's spear. I don't know. Or Trident. I don't know why I like that. Go for it, man. Or maybe just some spider webs on my elbow.

There you go. That's more. I see that more for you. Yeah. Or something on my boobs. And when I feed my son, he can, you know, you should put a tiger's paws. That's classy. Like on your chest. Yeah. Like what's her name? Not Rihanna.

Eve? Eve has. Yeah. But I would do like a series of them. Where like there's paws going down from your chest all the way down your abdomen and then right above your cooch, there's a bunch of spilled milk. That's where the kitten's going to feed.

You know? I've got one for you. I think we should do one in homage of beef, not bitsy. Paw prints, paw prints, paw prints. Same thing, paw prints. Same thing down your chest. And then a big pile of shit

all there on your butt hole. A pile of shit on my butt hole. There it is. Swirl. Okay. I'm digging it. There are just an arrow to your mouth. Dicks go here. Babe, that's pretty,

that's pretty not true. We can put dicks up in here on your face. No, I'm serious. Would you still love me if I got the job stoppers? Fuck you, money. I think I want to get that. Do you think Ellis would mind? Mommy took him to school.

I think the worst part of getting fuck you money on your nuts would be that you don't have it. But no one knows that. They'll just think I do. I'd rather wait. How about this? We'll make a deal. We get like a nine figure net worth one day.

We'll get that tattooed on your on your knuckles. I can't wait. Are you serious that you really would would you ever consider a tattoo for real though? Yeah, I would consider a tattoo. You want to go get some? No, because it would have to be one that

I want to get. Like a portrait of someone? Yeah, a portrait would be good. Yeah, I'm kind of a portrait. Did you get a portrait of me on your face? No. No. I don't dig those.

How about a rapper, Eric B and Rekim? Yeah, I'll get Eric B and Rekim tattooed on me. Sure, no problem. What means a lot to you? I might get like dad mouth tattooed on me. That means a lot to you. Immortalize on your body is forever. Did I start my DJ career with a tattoo?

Yeah. Well, I mean, I know what you should get since you're a comedian. Yeah, microphone with a microphone cord wrapped all the way. Yeah, or like those theater faces, the happy and the sad. Yeah.

Or I'll put smile, why don't you always write that on myself? Smile, why don't you? Yeah, I love making people laugh. How about smile now cry later? Smile now cry later. I like that one a lot. Yeah, but that's kind of like, hey, you see.

Hey, homie. Smile now cry later. Cry when it's time to cry, homie. MS-13. Yeah, MS-13, that's cool. God, I'm still kind of riding that high of A, DJing, and B, Crazy Loceshire.

I know, I can feel it. There's so much brewing in the air. Possibilities, potentials, potentialities. Oh, God. This is a Jagalette beauty pageant. Yeah. I just wanted to make sure that face covers the whole screen. All right.

A lot of people think Jagalettes are just like, they're just these big whores. No. When I go to the gathering and shows and other girls, we can just sit and be girls. You're not preppy, you're not going to judge me for anything, like we can sit down

and have a one-on-one alone conversation and relate to so many things in so many ways that not any other people can really relate to. Oof. If I was a judge and those were the first few people that came up on the contest, my score would be

oof. Oof, but can I tell you? How much would you love it if one of these broads showed up at a legitimate beauty contest? That's true. Then I'd start watching Miss America all over again. That is true.

Can we do that? Can we subvert a beauty pageant like that? Yeah, I guess that's kind of what they're doing. Yeah. That's sort of the point of it. I like how I... That's cool, but still, score.

Oof. All right, come on. Why is that not stretching out? That was such a dad thing. Oof. Now do it. Oh, you'd be really upset. Is this your first gathering?

Is this your first beauty contest? No, I won 2009. Really? I made a microphone disappear. What do you mean? In the front or the back? Yeah. So she put a microphone in her couch.

That's pretty cool, actually. I'm a bigger fan now. I respect that. My dad would be really upset by this, too. So ugly. God, fuck, fucking fuck. Look at these pigs, oh my god. My father has no tolerance for unattractive women.

Yeah? Distain for unattractive people. How dare you be ugly? Fat, too, right? No, inexcusable. He always makes jokes about me. Does he? So you lost some weight?

Yeah, he's like, nah. Yeah. This is Ms. Sinide here. Talking about her last year. Our journey started with Ms. Sinide. A juggalette rapper who lives in her home studio with her boyfriend, Sad Kid. Okay.

Ten feet tall. Can't break me down. Yeah, I bet they gonna hate me now. There's no safety now. So, so far, I'll say I'd rather watch her compete in the beauty part than the rapping part.

Point taken. Now, the concert is between Nick Hawk, the guy from the real plastic surgeons at Beverly Hills, or DJ Pork Rhyne, whatever her name is. Ms. Sinide. Ms. Sinide. Which of these concerts now? Listen, you gotta go.

You gotta watch the whole show. So we have Nick Hawk doing his rippity raps. We have the Beverly Hills plastic surgeon who's like, I dedicate, a lot of times when you're in surgery you need something to go wrong. Otherwise, what are you there to fix?

That guy, he's like, okay, he's last. I just decided. He's last. I think he's last. I think it's the hardest one, because here's why. It's bad, but it's bad in something that I wouldn't necessarily like if it was good. It's not even your

genre, so to say. I have a lot more laughs and a lot more fun even with it being bad at Nick. I know. That's the problem is that there's so much more to laugh at at the Nick Hawk show. Because he's gonna be posturing

and flexing and you know. Ms. Sinide is just kind of sloppy and all over the place. What I've seen so far, she needs a little bit more polish, more time. Awesome.

That was rad. This is more about haters and the shit that you deal with with people, because I'm up here. I'm feeling great. I'm on top of it. I'm doing what you said I couldn't do. Sinide is a contestant in the Juggle Up Beauty pageant that's held on the last day of the gathering every year.

All right. I like this. I like the Sinides going for it. I like this. I did too. And I will say of all three, at least she's really kind of in it. She's genuinely one thing I'll tell you, I like more than at this than I do at traditional beauty pageants

is that they're really doing this is obviously the talent portion. So far we know that one of them raps and one of them shoved the mic up her cooch. And I would rather see that at Ms. America than that bullshit when they're like I fucking, I flip this in the air and then I

catch it. Wouldn't that be the best if they're like, I can hide this in my pussy? Yeah. And that's Ms. Iowa. Yeah, that'd be great. I understand it's to subvert beauty pageants, but then why have a beauty pageant at all? Like wouldn't that be the ultimate

subversion is to just not have a beauty pageant? Well, no, because I think in this case what they're saying is those beauty pageants are so misguided and their interpretation of beauty is so one-dimensional that we're going to bring women to the table that

aren't traditionally beautiful, right? And the one who shoves a microphone up her pussy is the winner clearly, not for the rapper or the other talents. It's kind of cool. Last year, Cy and I participated for the first time.

She kind of blew it. But she's been practicing all summer to get back on stage again for her. I was really nervous and I got really, really fucking high like before. I was like, I got to smoke a bowl and my brain was like, oh fuck, the rest of your lyrics. I like her. Hey, you know why?

She saw her mistake. She knew how to correct it and she's going to move on. Actually the thing I respect the most is that she went back. Yeah, good for her dude. Huge fan of Sinai already. I wouldn't want to watch Raps that long. Yeah, everyone has fucking

as a comedian forgotten the line. For sure. Panic inducing. It's the worst. That's why I don't do drugs. I can't even really drink coffee before shows. I don't like to do anything before either. Yeah, do it straight. But she learned that lesson. Someone might not have a good second year at this year. Yeah, maybe not.

Man, this is like their whole life. I know. They love it. She's spending it on Jell-O shots. Good for them. Gassing up the van. Fat kid and I are going to go Rippity Rap. Alright, man. I'm actually really into this now.

I like this look actually. I'm being serious. I like a mohawk. I've always liked a mohawk. You have always. Are you going to do it to our son? No. Can I tell you something? I don't like to inflict my personal style on a kid. Unless he asks for it.

It's not my place. I know I like the Ramones. Does my kid have to like the Ramones? No. He's not an extension of me. He's his own little dude. Yeah, yeah. Do I want to put Clash shirts on my kid? Yeah, but I won't. It's his fucking... He's a person. Yeah.

I don't like when people do that. What the fuck? This always happens to me. You don't like doing that at all, right? It's just not fair. It's like, he didn't ask to be a fan of the shit that I like. Yeah. Here we go. We have an after party with DJ Clay.

Which is going to be quite the shit. Holy shit. I changed my mind. It's kind of more like we can do a lot of really ratchet stuff about getting in trouble. After hours. Yes, exactly. That'll be here in the front house. What about that tattoo?

This is what I'm talking about. Now, I didn't realize that these were just like soggy underwear that he's wearing. I thought this was an actual short. I'm not so much into the front of the outfit. I'm into the back of it, though. I like that. I like that.

I like what it stands for. That dude's rad, huh? It's a lot of crazy tattoos here. Is this a grenade on his hand? I like that. She's just like, hey, what's up? Yeah, this is normal. He's like, this is how I roll.

Well, Gigi Allen. Look, little shout out. He's wearing the same Gigi. If you combine the girls clip from earlier about eating ass and you look at this, what she said would come true in here. It wouldn't smell great. Wouldn't taste

the best. Right. But overall, not that bad. Not that bad. What do you think? It smells better than it used to. I think this guy's got the worst ass of anybody in the world. No. But bad.

Was bad. Would you eat his ass? No, I would not. But I don't think it would smell good either. Let's jump ahead to Miss Sinai's performance. Does she redeem herself this year? This is right before she goes up, I think, right here.

Poor girl. I hope she's been practicing in front of audiences. That's the key. There's a lot more people out there than last year when I went up and did this. I was like, wow. You can do it. She's nervous. Come on, Batman.

Come on home, girl. This is a clip here where there's good contests. Is this a tattoo or is this a drawing? That looks like a tattoo, babe. Oh boy. That's not a good one.

I'm so invested in Miss Sinai now. I want to know what she does. Yeah. I'll tell you this already. I like it. Miss Sinai is better than her booth performance. The one that she did at home

had a fraction of this energy. Well, she's feeling it. She's practiced. She's fucking on it. I think she's killing the game. Good for her. My feeling is that She's crushed it. Yeah, baby.

Inside jiggling. You know, you've been waiting for jeans. The results. Are you ready? Do you think how you think she did? I'd say she killed it. But knowing that last year,

someone put a microphone up there. She's going to get beaten out by some dumb cunt that does something stupid. Just like everything in showbiz. Here we go. 15 Contestant number 10 Alice

Ding What's her fucking name? I don't know. Well, so what? Miss Sinai I vote for you. Good job. We support you. Well, good for her. That's really hard to do.

Now, I thought the Juggalos were supposed to be non-judgmental. Ooh. Yeah, that you're not supposed to boo people offstage. By the way, I ordered my DJ equipment through yourmomshousepodcast.com. And it was on banner. I can see your eyes roll, just so you know.

Yeah. I got speakers. Look at the time. Are we done? The show? Yeah, we got to get into this. So, last week we did a fill her up seal her shut song contest. Right.

Here's what happened. We have a tie. Two submissions have gotten the most amount of votes. But then a wildcard late submission came in and Blue Band deemed it so good and he said we have to listen to it. So first, I'll play you

the first two the first two that have the highest votes so far in the contest, okay? Fill her up seal her shut Fill her up seal her shut

So that's from John. Love it. Simple. Ali. Clean too. Real concise. Yeah. Yo, Lux. Are you ready to do this shit, man? Fill her up

Fill her shut Fill her up Fill her shut Fill her up Fill her shut Fill her up Fill her shut Fill her shut

Fill her shut Fill her shut Fill her shut Fill her shut Fill her shut Fill her shut Oh man I'll tell you what I...

It's hard! This one's really great It also stuck to the Latin flavor of the... It's got everything! Pretty good man It's really good Well Might as well play around to fill her up seal her shut

What do you say? Yeah, okay So Fill her up, seal her shut Presidential Presidential edition The presidential nominee edition Right

So we have Donald Trump Or Bernie Sanders Yes For the men Right What are you thinking? Let's start

Yeah, what are you thinking in terms of... Those two Because that's not exactly The most desirable fill her up material As a lady That's why it's so hard That's why it's a good one It's good when they're both really really hot

Or both really really not The thing is, okay, right? Okay Yeah Is that you want to separate the personality From the sexual act That's always the key to a successful fill her up You're not really talking about the person

But you're letting the personality The sexual side You're letting the personality dictate What the sexuality is in a way, right? Right, I mean look You have to kind of imagine It's obvious that Donald is a selfish megalomaniac Narcissistic

Misogynistic pig Horrible It's gonna be horrible But Bernie's so timid And such a beta male That it might be just really horrendous And he's old Just off the bat, I gotta say

That guy knows how to eat a box Bernie Yeah, how are you? Why do you say that? I can just see it I just feel like it's part of the foundation If you... At his funeral

They're gonna talk about how he used to eat pussy Like nobody else I can feel it You know, he was part of those civil rights Marching things I mean, he's a giver You know That guy cares about the other man

Or in the case of in the bed When you're finished first Right That's what he's all about But I don't want it to last very long Like I kind of almost want the selfish lay here So that it's just over Like Trump just begocks

And then get the fuck out of here You know what I mean? He will tell you to get the fuck out of here Right He won't tell him Good luck Okay Good luck

In that case I don't want this to be a drawn out Because Bernie He's gonna light the candles We're talking sensual massage Lavender smells Can I ask you a question? And a hundred candle bath

What's wrong with that? I don't want it with Bernie Great Unless he's a sexy mailman Well Unless he got the mailman legs I think conversation would be fascinating I think you'd have a nice

I don't want that Okay I just want to get yours off I just want to get in and get out of this ordeal No, I want to get out of the filler up sealer shut Right I don't want to participate in this one Okay

So I just want to get in and out quick And the Donald is going to be the easiest way out Wow I got to tell you Real curveball Didn't expect that answer Real What are you?

You're picking Bernie Massage First of all He would be like I'm not a gay man I know you're not a gay man But we both got to come So

What do you need me to do to your balls? I'd be like Bernie Just do what you would do to your own balls You know Right And I think he would be Yeah, I think I think it would be unbearable with the Donald

Unbearable But then again, he's just like a frat boy As a man Choosing between those two I think it's much easier maybe Because I can't speak as a woman As a man you got to go with Bernie He's going to be much more gentle

Much more caring He's still going to be like Do you come? Do you come enough? Yeah, he'll be nice And there's more involved with butt fucking than there is vaginal Yeah You come in drunk like a frat guy

And just prison pound you And it'll be done in 30 seconds You're like wow And it'll throw a towel at you And they'll be like great Your boobs are huge Right And soggy

Huge Suggy Got to drink some of that milk It's huge Okay Next for the ladies So you and I are opposed on this issue This hot

Hot ticket item Are we? And the next one is Hillary Uh huh Or the Fiorina Carly Fiorina Carla Lola Fiorina For me it's easy

Carly has that ice queen Fucking Almost like dominatrix Like Claire from House of Farts Yeah I like Carly's style Meanie She's a meanie

I like it It turns me on I feel like And she was the CEO I think of IBM So I'd be like What are acquisitions and mergers like Tell me about the first IPO you were

And she would be like Eat this from behind She'd make me lick her butt She's more of a power bitch Yeah, she's a total power bitch And I could see myself being very excited by her See I think Hillary is your classic closet les She's definitely a les in college

And then she was like I can't be gay Because I want this political life I got to marry Bill here So I think Hillary is a varsity level les And if you want to go with that experience She's your girl She's got years of eating box experience

I bet Wow I feel like Carly would put cigarettes out on my mouth Yeah, she would And then she'd be like I got a pee and I'd be like Okay, I'll wait here And she'd be like

No, open up your mouth Oh, okay And she'd piss out the ashes She's a little more domineering And whatnot I know I think Kind of excited Thinking about like it's actually going to happen

I think Carly's going over Have you seen Carly? I've seen Carly, yeah Yeah But I feel like she's too Yeah, I don't know I don't want a power bitch I can't deal with it

Really? Well, because I'm kind of an alpha I think Hillary is more of like the 70s college les That's what you want Yeah I like when Oh, Carly Here's Carly

I'm eating her butt And then she's looking back like Is that all you've got? Right You see, I mean, this is attractive Right, right, right I like her I know Trump made a horrific comment about her

I know But I feel like He's such a douchebag I think between the two there's no context for me I disagree I think aesthetically I like Hillary What? Better

I like blondes, you know Yeah I'm partial I've never been out with a blonde before Really? Nope Yeah This is me

This is her after I come Right You need to come in those balls She's like, you got any coming in those balls? And then I do and then she goes That's it? No, she insults to come low The amount

Is that a load? You call that a load Right there You call that a load? Yeah Yeah Hmm Looks small

Mm-hmm How many balls do you have? Half of one? Yeah Not impressed, says Fiona Nina I go, where should I come? And she goes Right over here

Right Ah, yeah Yep, that would be it Yeah, I like her I choose her I can't believe you're choosing Hillary But it makes sense Well, I know, but you're right

Maybe she has a lot of less experience Countless I wouldn't be surprised You think she really knows, huh? She knows all the tricks And she's from that era of like There's protests here in Billy And college

She's got that classic Les, 60s, 70s Five Les, like, full bush Free love, Les Right Not shaving Yeah

Yeah, just like, whatever, man What you got? I'll take it, like, just free love And fun Carly puts a leash on me She's like, come on Yeah, it's a different energy All together

She's too dominant for me It's not gonna work We have, what's it's song to go out to? There's a... Oh, MC MC, no, I'm saying No, I'm saying there's a challenge And then there's a disc

Which one should I play? A spark challenge A spark challenge? Okay No, I'm saying Guys, as always, thank you for listening To your mom'shousepodcast.com Please email us anything you want

A submission, a video, a link, a thought A question, your mom'spodcast At gmail.com The Facebook page is facebook.com Slash your mom's house podcast It just got over 10,000 likes Hey now Hey now

My tickets to my live stand-up shows Are at TomSegura.com Slash shows Christina's are at 1000 Ranch.com Follow me on Twitter at TomSegura Follow Christina at ChristinaP I will work on getting some Social media stuff going for my

DJing career That's coming soon Also, and as always Visit the site, your mom'shousepodcast.com Anything else, James? Thanks for listening, mommies Thanks, mommie I love you

She's a cum machine Oh my god You just want to fill No candy Alright That's the wrong one That's the wrong one, sorry Okay

Here we go Yeah Fuckmixmartialarse.com Fuck crazy sports fights Fuck the world boxing scene Fuck all the anime sites too, bro Airy last one of them For reals, though

Hey, crazy Throw your gloves up, dog It's for charity Catch me doin' 20 minutes Sess that hilarity Talkin' talented Walkin' balance, G You shadow-boxin' like a fool

I'm on Conan They can't even Jimmy Fallon you Can't even fathom you God is good homie But you can't even get mad at him Cause I'm as bad as it I'm in your brain, crazy We inhabited it

Like an Indian in the cupboard Lick it in the cabinet Like L. Ron Huffin We shadow-priestin' Crazy paladin Fuck lead paint duty Inhalogen Some say it ain't right

That I burp into the mic Fuck it Yeah, I shit a lot Gonna brew up a pot Gonna be a wild bitch Talkin' Tommy Buns Come out jaggin' like a crocodile They got them shotguns

And we all got some So we talk guns to straw me boys Hittin' home runs at leisure Yo, crazy That a freestyle Poor a seizure You speakin' broken Spanish, dude Take a breather

Look at your eyebrows Like, bro, here's a tweezer Crazy pickin' seashells by the seashore Poppin' on Weezer, the sweater song Crazy wish we could all just get along Imma give you a teaser Slow, you gonna end up in the freezer Whoa, I ain't even gonna use the clean

The status quo You cargo, yo How far go, bro? I'm at the Largo Red carpet sold out show You neither, you at Targo Black talk pit, you punkin' lot How?

Yeah, I be shitin' so what? Tell everyone Every 15, 30 minutes Drawing some creepy ass art Making some creaky ass parts With some guns Sittin' till my toes numb I gots to run

Cause I gots to run Homie, we shitin' tons Don't act like you don't know me Ring around my bum Salami, no baloney Got me posin' on you mommies Like I'm a commie Dryin' the tsunami

Lying I'm all soggy But it makes for a good story In the hood like Where's the laboratory? I don't know the territory Crazy to panga Making T-buns quarry Time be time

And crazy be Jerry Cat and mouse And you mommies stay mommies Till six in the mornin' Somebody at the door Is for that sand shit like that Gonna make this mommie my ex We gonna give it to ya

Crazy on the road Shadow boxin' Lookin' like T-buns Deliver through ya Yo, pain My boy crazy Need a whoop ass Is it time or black

Ain't no sound effect Giving white dudes Old ladies in a heart attack The fart is back I think I need to prove But that's not the point That's not the scoop Accents on point shit

Quit talkin' bout points We Jehovah You talkin' to the A noise turtle head Pokin' Shadow boxin' Swoop swoop They go in the air

Crazy fans done disappeared Shells note to all the pairs Before we spar crazy Bring a spare pair of shorts You all good on healthcare You take care You gonna need it Intensive care

This warfare I see you T-buns playin' hoop Get some footwear Nikes too Gonna dunk on you Say a Lord's prayer or two Crazy you Jason

Tommy Freddy Make em your nightmare We on Elm Street Truth or dare you But we're a truth Talkin' parachute On your cowboy boots San Jose done give up on you

You shocked Time to electrocute I'm crashed Time to bandicoot Crazy destitute Shit And it ain't even gonna rest dude It ain't ever gonna rest dude

Until Tom Segura Steppin' the ring We're crazy loaves You Shells out to your moms How you doin' You talkin' to the A noise turtle head

Yeah Shells out to your moms HousePodcast.com Shells out to this deep growth podcast Yeah Shells out to the birds New showtime special

Hey man Don't say nothin' about it Just wait Hey Shells out to this channel Hey News of Cleveland Shells out to all my daddy

Yeah You know how you yeah Danny I see you girl Yeah Hell yeah It was okay Shells out to YouTube

Thanks for watching