Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 339-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: April 13, 2016

We know the show is popular but even Rachel Maddow listens! Wow, and of course, Hey Hitler back at ya! It's been a while so we gave Top Dog a call and this one not only did not disappoint - it was epic. Like Wipe Down Epic.  This ep is loaded: Crazie Locs listens to a fan song, a NEW abusive pimp, La Croix responds, NEW vocal fry, and a bunch of Would You Rather's.  This ep is the Jeans' Jeans. 

Yeah, you know what I mean, dogs are barking, the leaf blowers have been going all fucking morning. Thanks for them shits keep blowing. I don't know how long they need to blow leaves to you. I have an idea. I think they need to do it for about six, seven hours to feel like they've done their leaf blowing duties. Those are illegals.

Anyways. Yes. The leaf blows. So what's shaking? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's April.

I'm going. I have a private in Vegas this week, sorry, which I could invite people to it. And then April 21 through 23 sperm can Washington at the sperm can comedy club doing those shows. That'll be fun May 5th through 7th Jack Jacks me that shit Jack and shit Jack andville Florida the comedy zone in Jacksonville, Florida. Oh, God. Excuse me. That's the one where they go, let's get ready and then oh my God, really not to your, you

know, show. No, I should have told them not to play that shit. Okay. May 20th and 21st sperm sperm sewer cute sewer juice New York, the funny bone Syracuse New York. Now on sale June 9th through 11th Irvine, what do you call Irvine sperm vine? I know that would be logical, but we've got sperm came out. Let us know.

Yeah. Think about it. Irvine, the comedy, the improv in Irvine, California, then a Jew pork titties doing Caroline's on Broadway. It's not till September, but those tickets are already selling. That's the city, man. New York. I'm coming to see you.

And then even further down the line, but also selling well, the trucker Darrow theater in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, November 19th. Those are all on sale at Tom Cigarette.com slash shows jeans. I thought it was filler up. Oh yeah. I skipped it. Yeah. Fill her up to wealth.

Yeah. Um, yeah. Come see me April 20th at the Ventura comedy club in Ventura, California. No name for that. Well, it's Hitler's birthday and I don't think you need more than that for 20 years. That's a fun room. That is a fun room. I posted it on LinkedIn.

I've invited everybody to be my friend. Oh, LinkedIn is super helpful. And then May 27th and May 28th at the La Jolla comedy store, La Jolla. That's fancy San Diego, La Jolla, La Jolla, and then the comedy store like most every week. Yeah. Tomorrow on there. Well, by the time this drops, it'll be gone.

Drops. Drops. That's what the hip hoppers say. Hey, did anybody retweet your show or no? I'm not gonna get into it right now. Okay. Uh, thank you very much to Paul who submitted, uh, this instrumental beat. He is soul 45 on SoundCloud.

I like it. I like it too. It's very sexual vibes. Okay. Rub your titties. And your ballsack. Wow. Can't you rub your asshole to the song?

I can see you rubbing your asshole. Just reaching back between my legs or around back. You go from the back. No, I would go between my legs. Oh, the song ended. Yeah. Cause you were disgusting. Rubbing your own asshole.

I guess I'll stop rubbing my asshole now. That's your asshole rubbing music. Oh man. So you just rubbed your asshole before the show. I did. I didn't act like you didn't. I didn't rub it. I cleaned it in the bidet.

Walk me through your process. Can we do the ads first and then do it? Oh right. I thought I was just getting into the show. I was getting into what people really wanted to hear. I'm sure they'll love the pre-talk before their ads. So that's what they're paying top dollar for Tom. That's right.

We got a lot to cover Jeans. I know. What was that command you told me? Command F. Command F, okay. For farts. Command F for farts. Drinking the Queen's coffee today.

Can you see her face? Is she on here? Oh no, it's just a crown. Nice. How did you not tell me that, blue man? What kind of fucking bird are you? All right. Are you ready, Jeans?

Oh yeah. Let's start the show. Let's start the show. And then I want to find out about your asshole. PBS did this feature and here's that mom. And the tattoo on the right hand. See the really big tattoo on the right hand? Remember that from the white pride worldwide t-shirt?

And then you wait like one more minute into this PBS profile and then we get her left hand and what's on her left hand? Oh, what's on that's the 8-8? Hi, Hitler. This shit is big time. Who is Ramsay? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Don't murder the fucking stand.

Welcome, welcome, welcome to your mom's house. With Don Segura. And Christina Pajitzi. Welcome to your mom's house. Oh shit. Sky punch, sky punch, sky punch. Sky punch, sky punch, sky punch, sky punch, sky punch. Sky punch, sky punch, sky punch, sky punch, sky punch, sky punch.

Yeah dog. Hi, Hitler. I love Rachel Maddow. You love her, don't you? Rachel? Yeah. I don't know. Who do you really like, Rachel?

No, Susie Orman. You like Susie. Oh yeah. She's your girl. Yeah, the finance lady. Yeah. I thought you really liked Rachel too, right? I mean, I feel weird saying, it's not that I dislike her.

I just never considered like, hey, you know who I really like. Yeah, I thought you had a thing. Oh, that's Christina. Yeah, I like Christina Montpour. She's a journalist though. Finger her butthole. I never really thought of Miss Montpour that way. I'm sorry that my wife disrespected you with that question.

I consider her a fine journalist. Yeah, she's really good. Rachel's really good at her job, but she's more like a, you know, news sort of evolved or devolved into the business of entertainment and opinion. Yeah, yeah. So she's really great at what she does, but she's, you know, she's a mouthpiece for the left, which is fine. I mean, I enjoy what she does.

I mean. No, it's just, it's just what her job is. Her job is that. And obviously her job is to listen to podcasts. Well, clearly she's biting, you know, from the show. Yeah. She's, and I, and I look in that respect, I respect that she's doing it. Hi Hitler.

She's, she's a Daniac first. She's a hardcore Daniac. Yeah. She's a Daniac or your mom's house fan. I'm not sure. Oh, that's interesting. Yeah. I mean, it could be, it could be either one, I guess.

This is so great that this woman has total white pride tats. Hey Hitler. Who does that? Hey Hitler. Yeah. Yeah. What state is this in that that's totally acceptable to go to work with? She's doing the.

The eights in the schools. What are the eights signified by the way? I didn't really know that. I just know. H-H-H-O. Oh, it's H-H-H. Oh, it's the letter H. Oh, hail it.

Okay. The eighth letter in the alphabet is H. Is that it? Is that it? H-D-E-F-G-H. There you go. So H. Hail Hitler. Eight eight.

Yeah. H-H-H. Well, you just, you know, the thing I don't think she realizes is that he is not going to respond to tattoos. Right. Hitler strictly watches YouTube. Vlogs. He likes vlogs.

You got to record a video and you talk to him that way. If you, if you do a tattoo or whatever, he totally misses it. Well, because in Argentina, his wifi connections were really, really good. Yeah. But he's still underground so he can only watch YouTube. And he's got, he's got to funnel through all these things. What? So if you want to.

Hitler's got a busy day. Yeah. Busy busy. Just like Winston Churchill, he lays in bed and he does most of his work from bed. My man's got shit to do. Yeah. So. Vlogs answer.

He's got a lot of vlogs to answer. So there's a, there's a way to get in touch with him. And right now you're kind of, you're missing some. I'm a huge Rachel Meadow fan. Rachel Meadow. Hi, Hitler. Hello, Rachel. Thank you for noticing one of my disciples on the Trump campaign.

She didn't answer. Oh, and I didn't put together this whole time that it is a, a Trump thing that we were watching. Yeah. Was there just, yeah, she's letting you know what the Trump support team looks like. Hi, Hitler. Yeah. How you feeling today? We are like,

wow. Why doesn't that put a wind in your sail? Yeah. A little bit. Yeah. Yeah, I feel pretty good today. Which, which Braxton are you? I don't know.

I feeling paternal. I feel like Miss E a little bit. I feel like, you know. The matriarch. Of the house right now. Yeah. That's what I feel like. Oh, that's interesting.

Who do I feel like? I feel like Tawanda. I normally don't feel like Tawanda, but I don't know. I'm feeling a little like I'm doing my thing. I'm just kind of feeling her out, you know. Just got divorced. I got divorced. Nice.

I got new hairdo. Are you seeing anyone new? Oh, yeah. I got lots of new prospects. Oh, great. All on LinkedIn. That's where I'm finding it. All on LinkedIn.

My dad invited us to join LinkedIn this week. He did. He actually invited us to join LinkedIn. So what you know in like the 69 year old set is inviting you to join LinkedIn. It's jump the shark completely. Well, jump. Speak for yourself. Those of us that are, that are really in on the inside, we know that it's, it's a very,

very relevant site to be a part of. LinkedIn is helpful. Yeah. It's not a joke. Play it again. I love it. It's a bit that I'm doing. LinkedIn is helpful.

I don't need the help. I'm fucking dog assholes. Yeah. LinkedIn is helpful. Fuck off. LinkedIn is helpful. Yeah. It is.

I take that challenge. I wonder, is anybody actually using LinkedIn? Email us if you've actually found it to be helpful. Do you think people really? Actually, can I step in? Don't do that. Oh, okay. We just don't want to know about your LinkedIn.

All right. I'm curious. Are you really? I wonder if anyone really, apparently people invite you to use it, but is anybody really using it? Well, not only that, but is there really a benefit? That's what I'm saying. What I'm saying is, let's say someone does invite you and you go, okay, then what?

That's what I mean. What's the utility of why not just make it Facebook? You know what I'm saying? It's a smarter... Right. Now, first of all, we had a lot happen before we started recording today. LinkedIn is helpful. Yeah.

You used the bidet, but you didn't make it brown. What's going on here exactly? Well, I mean, I browned earlier and it was fine. Fine. Yeah. And then we just kind of hung out. I didn't shower before the show. So I just went in there like a second time for just like a cursory kind of make sure,

you know, just to feel fresh. But so you weren't feeling fresh and then you thought... I felt like a little, you know, a little gamey. I just took a little, you know, French bath. Yeah. It's like a horse bath. Yeah. Can I tell you that this bidet has paid off so much.

It has saved me so many shit to shower trips. I don't even shit to shower anymore. Yeah. It has put a stop to that whole problem. Yeah. It's been pretty great, right? Oh my God. Oh my goodness.

Yeah. It's been something, man. What was that? That was my Skype. I was actually going to tell you that, well, you know, I had a bit of an accident this weekend. I know. I didn't want to, you know, all right at the top of the show, Tom.

Well, all you wanted to hold on to it. Blow your load already. Well, we've got a lot to go. No, just kidding. Let's go over it. I think it's a pretty noteworthy show. It was, was it Friday or Saturday? It all blends together, doesn't it?

It does all blend together. Saturday. It was Saturday? Yeah. Saturday, um, I think we went, we went in the kitchen and we were having breakfast. Yeah. It was morning and I started, I laughed about the fact that I had farted and I like farting in the bedroom when you're sleeping and when you wake up and you're upset that you woke

up from a fart. That's, it's upsetting to me because I don't, that's not the alarm clock of my choosing. Yeah. Cause sometimes you'll go like, you'll be out and you'll go, great. I was asleep and I just woke up to your fart and you're like really upset about it. Of course. Yeah. What woman wants to be awakened by a fart?

Some cool chicks too. Nobody. Yeah. There's no chicks that like that. Somewhere down with it. So I wasn't next to you cause I was in the baby jeans room and I went to go take a dump in the kitchen, in the kitchen bathroom down there and as I'm in there, I'm just enjoying my time.

I'm thinking, I can really relax into this dump because Tom's watching the baby once I can take a leisurely shit and lo and behold, that gets ruined. Because what happens is as I'm thinking about the fact that I want you to hear a fart if I let it, I'm not really paying attention. So when I, I feel something in the chamber, I just go aggressive and when I do bottom lap what do you do? Yeah. That's a real.

I'm sitting on that stool. There's a bar stool in the kitchen and I'm sitting there and I go, and then I just feel, there's no noise. I just feel water coming out. And I go, I just sharded and you go, no you didn't. And then I reached down to touch cause I'm like, maybe I touched it. Yeah. Yeah.

And it was just all wet, all wet. And I go upstairs and it's just soaked from the sun. Brown? And by the way, I sat in my, in my pig stew for a while because I had to wait for you to come out so the baby wouldn't be alone. Well, yeah, cause I was shitty. I was in the middle of pooing and I knew I'd be sharded again. I'm like an 80 years old.

I don't know how to hold in a fart. I know. I didn't. It's not that I don't know how to hold in a fart. I chose to let her rip, you know. Push too hard. Oh yeah. Now can I tell you what I think your fatal flaw was?

Yeah. The wooden stool. Cause it's a flat surface. No. And you were, you were sitting on it? The fatal flaw is that I had, I didn't have a fart in the chamber. I had a dump, a loose, like a six. A loose meat.

Yeah. And I didn't realize what it was. When I sat on that toilet, it was, it was bombs away. It was, yeah. Now let me ask you this. Let's do a dot topsy of your brown, of the, of the shirt. You didn't feel any indication of a six. You didn't feel any cramping or diarrhea imminent.

No. Sometimes I have a real explosive shit to start the day depending on, depending on the day and what goes in. And sometimes I don't, but in this case it was like I woke up, I had some coffee and then had some, you know, it was scrambled eggs with veggies, but that doesn't make it, that formula doesn't mean it's definitely going to be loose meat sandwich. It could be fine. It's just one of those things where that day it was just horrendous.

You know what I think it was. I think it was God punishing you for, for wanting me to hear your fart. That's what you told me. Yeah. God punished you. Hmm. He's a vengeful God. Old Testament God gets back at you for that kind of stuff.

Let's see if we can get top dog on the phone. Yeah. Discuss this. I don't know the answer. I didn't tell him I'd be calling. Buddy. Hello? Hello?

Buddy, I invited you to join LinkedIn. Hello? Hello? Hey, buddy. Hey, how's it going, man? Good. I'm good. Hey, um, so I didn't, I didn't really get a chance to talk to you, but Saturday morning,

I was sitting in our kitchen and we're having a little breakfast and actually Christina went to use the bathroom and while I was in the kitchen, I went to fart and it was just all water that came out of me. Oh, shit. That happened to me that night in bed. In bed? Yeah. Didn't I tell you?

No. Oh, I had a, I had a squirter in bed and got on the bedspread and I had to, oh yeah. You know. Hey, wait a minute. Were you in bed like going to ready to go to sleep? No, I was just laying and watching an afternoon TV show. You know? What were you wearing?

I was kind of in a, I had my boxers, but I was kind of a weird position. So my boxers were, you know, and we're kind of open. Yeah. You know? Yeah. And it kind of, some got on my underwear, but some squirted. Oh my God. It was like a, like a spray.

So did you? I had five, five or six spots on, on the bedspread. So I had to take the bedspread off and put it in the washing machine. Wait. Now, how come you didn't think it's just a little bit of shit? Cause one time you, just a miscalculation on my, now wait, did you, so you thought you were farting. You thought it'd just be a fart?

Also I was farting for sure. Did you, did you push kind of aggressively? No, no. That's what got me. Didn't it just kind of, you know, I mean, I knew it was, you know, you kind of gave it that little last minute nudge, you know, yeah, yeah. And how, how much was it? Cause it sounds like, sounds like a lot.

Well, there's a lot more. I didn't realize that it would seem like a little fart, you know, had a lot more there, you know, and there's spotty, you know, wasn't tons, but it's spotty enough that it had to change her underwear and change the whole bedspread. Yeah. So you had to go wash that bedspread. The whole thing. Yeah.

Yeah. Did you, did you tell Charles? Yeah. Did you tell Charles what happened? I didn't till the next day and then she, oh, she wanted to know what the bedspread was doing in the washing machine. I said, told her what happened. She said, well, did you clean the spots before you put it in?

I said, no, just put it in there. Oh, it'll get all over everything. That's what the rinse cycle is. So wait, how did you tell her, how did you tell her what happened, like what's the way you tell her that? Oh, by the way, I had a little bit of a thought I was farting and it kind of came blasting out. So I got it on the bedspread and I had to wash the bedspread.

What did she think about that? Well, you know, she doesn't really like to engage in these kind of conversations. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I mean, so. Didn't you tell me that you had one the other day, you said that like it really curled up into the toilet or something? Well, I had, I had the, it looked like a snake the other day.

Yeah. Yeah. That's interesting. Yeah. I mean, it looked like a rattler with no rattler, you know? Yeah. Just kind of coiled up inside. I had one of those.

Let me tell you what happened today. I came back to the office, parked under a tree, had a fart and then, you know, got out of the car, set the door, engine was off. When I came back an hour and a half later, the smell was still in the car. I couldn't believe it. That is really something. Well, you think about it, there's no, you know, nothing, no air can get in the car. Right.

So you kind of, you trapped it. You trapped it. Yeah. Yeah. It was trapped, you know, kind of settled in a little bit. You know, it's like somebody smokes a cigarette in the car. Yeah. The door, you can tell they were smoking.

Okay. I think you have more intense farts than most people, though. Oh, I do. Yeah. Yeah. And I've, I've modified my diet lately, you know, I've, I'm on this eating fish every day, kick, shrimp, and orange ruffy, trying to lose some weight, and so I'm off to red meat.

Yeah. And of course, that immediately, immediately changed the texture and, and the smell of everything changed. Yeah. I'm kind of surprised, honestly, that you washed the sheet only because you told me real clearly one time that, you know, when you, you sharded a little bit in your pants, I said, don't you want to put those down? You said your quote was, it's just a little bit of shit.

Well, your mother has to sleep on the bed, right? Oh, right. There was a spot there. So you wouldn't, I mean, I couldn't, if you were alone, you wouldn't have washed it. I just would have folded the bedspread over and covered it up. Okay. This way, nobody could tell. Okay.

Yeah. And also, you have like the, if you're going to work out, you have kind of that underwear policy where even if it has a little brown streak, you can, you can put them inside out, right? Yeah. I do that. Yeah. Yeah.

Sure. Do you think that's kind of gross? Well, no, because I'm an environmentalist. I'm trying to, you know, trying to save on water, you know, because I saw a chocolate stain on one and you just put them inside out. That's true. That's drugged on that before. Yeah.

Yeah. It's crazy to just get it. Besides, you know, when you go to the gym, it's going to get dirty and everything. So you'd have to just go all the way. Do you know what level of barbarian you are for doing that? Like that is really, really horrendous thing. Does Charo know that? No.

Does Charo know you do that? No. No, no, no. No. No, no. No, there are certain things. You know, this business where you need to tell your wife, you know, we're in love. We're going to share everything with each other.

Yeah. Some things, guys, just don't want to share with women and it's not about other women. What do you say? Yeah. I mean, I got to say though, nothing excites me more than the possibility of mom hearing that story just to see her level of disgust would be hilarious. It would be amazing. Really amazing.

No. She'll say stuff. But I don't know where I met you. That's hilarious, man. Do you remember your movie theater fart? Oh, it was one of my proudest moments. Was that, you think, a meat related fart? You know, I think it was just eating a lot of stuff.

Probably, I think it was a holiday fart because, you know, I think a lot of holiday food and the people who are in the AMC theater, people sit right behind me and let one go. I mean, they picked up and moved five seats over. Yeah. No kidding. Not exaggerating. Not exaggerating. Yeah.

Yeah. That's a... You know, kind of gave it that, you know, a little notch in my belt look, you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. It was really something. Well, look, I'll give you a call a little bit later, okay?

Okay, buddy. You take care. All right. Bye-bye. Wow. Wow. Dude, he would have folded over the mattress cover. Is that what you...

To do the right thing. Hey, buddy. Yeah. It's top dog. Hey, buddy. It's top dog. Hey, buddy. It's top dog.

Hey, buddy. It's top dog. Hey, buddy. You need to wipe down. It's top dog. Wait, so he would have folded over. Yeah. Yeah.

Wait, so he would have folded over. So just to be clear, he shit on the bedspread. Is that what he shut on? I think it was the mattress cover. The mattress cover. The comforter maybe, you know, like that. The comforter. I think so.

Yeah, I think it's the comforter he's referring to. Yeah, okay. Okay. Yeah. So he would have just folded it over. If he were alone. If he were alone. Is that...

Is that most guys though? Let's be real. Most guys? No, you can't say that. Well, man, check these emphatically head, no. No, no. But it is... There is...

It's a certain type of savage dude. Yeah. I mean, military. Yeah. Just like, you know, my dad would just probably eat out of the sink if he were alone. Just eat over it and then just put the food in the bowl. And he's a savage, man. Yeah.

He's a savage. God. Your mother doesn't know half of it. I'm sure she does though. Yeah, but I think she voluntarily blocks a lot of things out. Yeah. You know? And there's things that, like, when I'm with them, I try to highlight his...

His savagery to see her react. She knows it's there, but she avoids it. Yeah. So when I keep pointing it out, look, look, look, look, look, she's like... Ah! You know? That is so disgusting. Yeah.

Isn't that interesting that my dad and I sharded like 24 hours apart, basically? Very interesting. And what's really neat too is that sometimes you'll go take a shit and our son will shit at the same time in his diaper. I feel like that's the sagura gene. Right. Yeah. It's the circle of sagura life.

Yeah. Yeah, that's really neat. And the earwax thing too is pretty cool. That's hereditary, buddy. Yeah. I was pulling earwax out of our son's ear and I was telling you about it. Yeah. And then your dad was telling you that it's...

He's told me before. Hereditary. Cleaning my ear. I don't know. I had like a lot of wax there. Hereditary. We have that. I'm like, oh, fucking great.

What a cool thing to have in the gene pool. Right. You know? That's your treat. That's your handy. It's not forearm strength. Right. It's earwax, pal.

Yeah, a lot of that. A lot of waxy ears, buddy. That's really exciting. Mm-hmm. Oh my god, it sounds like he's on track. Yeah. Remember that time I saw your dad's balls? Yes.

On the cruise? Yes. And he was just like, let's not make a big thing of this, all right? She's a grown lady. Like, are you going to cover up? Come on. She said, come on. He was really upset that you wanted to cover up his nuts.

Cover your balls. It's your daughter-in-law. Come on. Yeah. So we went out to dinner with your sister, Jane, who's in town. And after dinner, we were outside. Oh my god. Oh my god.

Seriously? Yes. That's her. And we were out front, and I noticed a gaggle of dads. Yeah. But these dad fashions were a little different. These guys had the khakis, and then the polo shirt, and then they had their sweaters tied around their necks.

Yeah. They were doing like the golf course thing, you know? What is that? That's not really a west coasting. No. It's like, why is this like this? I didn't touch it. Really?

No. It's moved. I didn't touch it. I swear. It's a very like, it feels, I think the origins are northeastern preppy. It's the khakis, the tucked in button down or the polo, and then the sweater over the shoulders. That's right.

And kind of either tied or folded. It's super gay. It's super fucking, yeah. Dude, that is a lame dad fashion. It's fuck boy city, yeah. Fuck boy city, yeah. It is a little effeminate, no? For a dad look?

I think so. Yeah, I mean, it's just, it's supposed to be, I guess it's supposed to be money, you know? Right. Like I'm a wealthy dad. Yeah, I'm a wealthy dad. And as president of the dad society here. Yeah.

Of dad fashion? Of dad fashion week? Oh, that would be so fun if we had dad fashion week. And then we could take dads from all the different regions of America and have a fashion show. Yeah. Wouldn't that be neat? Oh, yeah.

It's definitely, it's super dad, it's daddom. It's dad to the max. Because your dad loves his khakis. Like on a Sunday, he'll wear his khakis around the house. And that's his casual Sunday. I don't like the sweater folded over. Oh, I don't like that look at all. I don't like that at all.

It's a real set of faggot. You're not saying. Fuck boy. Yeah. I'd isolate that right now. Thank you. Yeah. It's the PC version of faggot.

Thank you, blue man. Thank you. I'm turning purple with excitement. It was my request. Thank you. Fucking traitor, blue man. Oh, sure. Damn you, bird.

Hey, look at Gigi wanting to tell him what happened. I know I broke him. Today? I broke him today. I knocked this over. But look, here's the good news. There's that Gigi. Hold on.

And then there's mini Gigi. All right. Back in business. Listen, if you don't have a backup Gigi Allen bobblehead, you better get your life. If you're a real fan, you have your primary, and then your backup. Can't believe you fucking did that.

You know what? I can't say faggot. I'm going to say fuck boy. Had to isolate it, huh? Three times. Had to do it. Had to catch me on that. That's my favorite one.

Thanks. If I can't say faggot, I'm going to say fuck boy. Guys, so many documentaries coming out. Can we take a joke? Yeah. Limited release this summer. Samuel Golden Mayer picked it up. I saw actually a lot of people talking about it online.

It's supposed to be really great. I narrated it. It's not my documentary. Ted Bellicord directed it. Point of story being, if you're offended by that, what you just heard me say about fuck boys, don't go see that documentary. A lot of fuck boy responses this week, too.

Is that right? Yeah, people were like, oh, they were like, that's not a replacement. For what, Tom? It's not a replacement. If I can't say faggot, I'm going to say fuck boy. Okay. For what, Tom?

They're like, no, it's not. It's fucking stupid. Of course it is. Fuck boys for saying that. It's 100%. That's what it sounds like it is. The origin of fuck boy is prison. Oh, right.

Yeah. And it's somebody who people would fuck there. Hence, it's a replacement. Fuck boy. Yeah, it's a fuck boy. A guy you fuck. It's not necessarily a replacement for the literal pejorative homosexual slang.

What I'm saying is that it's replacing in the lexicon something that people want to angrily shout, right? Right. With the intention of being, to take someone down, accuse them of being lesser than whether that be effeminate or just a bitch, right? It's a heightened version of bitch, but it's also something that you can yell freely, basically.

Yeah, it's an acceptable form. It totally is. And it will become politically incorrect. And all you fuck boys that disagree are fuck boys. That's what's up. Now, what I did hear one of those dads doing in front of the restaurant, Tom, is the dad throat clearing.

Oh, yeah. And I had a stepdad that did that for years. Like a big fat Indian guy was a big stepdad and he would always do that after restaurants, after meals before he would talk. My mother hated it because in the morning, too, it was like... It's so disgusting.

Yeah, you hate phlegm clearing. Well... Because I do it. I know that growing up... You go... My mom hates when I clear my throat. The horking. Yes.

What is that? I don't know. Oh, I think it's the phone being too close to the thing. All right. Yeah. The... That sound is repulsive to me. That I want to vomit when I hear that.

See, to me... I guess I understand it, but, you know, one time I left a lunch meeting where the guy, producer, we left the restaurant and on the sidewalk, he went, oh, and he spit and a guy walking down the street went,

really? I agree. And he was like, what? And I actually was... It's one of those things you leave a meeting like that with people you have to go like, what's that guy's problem? Yeah.

You should have been like, what is your problem? Yeah. It's gnarly. Yeah, that's gnarly. It wasn't so gnarly that he coughed, but on the cement. Like, that's crazy. That's fucked up, dude.

What are you, Chinese? That's true. That's true. My Chinese ex-boyfriend, he used to talk about that all the time, how Chinese people do that. Yeah. He's like, oh, the Chinese are the worst.

They just hork loogies everywhere. And in places like Singapore, you're definitely not allowed to do that. Ching chong, ching chong. Yeah. Wait, why is that not isolated? Like, Tom pushes the ching chong. Ching chong, ching chong.

I didn't do that. That's you pushing the ching chong. I didn't do anything. I didn't do anything. I didn't do anything. Do you want to fuck with Mai Mai? Okay. Okay.

Well, Singapore just has laws, period. Right. You don't fuck with anything in Singapore. You can't even spit chewing gum on the ground. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. 00:36:16,560 --> 00:36:17,560 No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No, no. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. OK. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No, you're not.

No, you're not. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. Yeah. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. Okay. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No, No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. Not at all. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

Looks like she drank some of the Daniac Kool-Aid. Is there a Daniac Union coming up? Uh-oh. Someone's off their meds. Uh-oh. She prayed to... Macaulay. Macaulay?

Are you still alive? I don't know. Maybe he's dead, finally. He's not dead. He should be. Babe. Well, he does bad drugs. He's on hair on.

Come on. Hi, Hitler. So... I love Rachel Maddow, some chipper. Hi, Hitler. This chick. Because you don't already. What is her fucking nail, bro?

All of you who are inside the cult of a colleague gulking. What? Just letting you know that he's actually... She's a fan of me because I'm famous now. Like, I'm more famous than him. That's definitely not true as a girl. Just letting you know that I'm offended by everything you do. Because you don't.

Because I'm angry. Why do I look like Sam Pepper? Holy shit. What do you think? What's the verdict? Well, Macaulay Culkin's definitely more famous than ass-eating girl on YouTube. Yeah. Even if she was on YouTube's Snapshots.

Snapshots. Snapshots. Snapshots. You know what we should do is show this to our son when he's of the age of making videos. Yeah. This is why you don't. You don't do this because... Stupid.

We're going to humiliate you on this show. Right. Yeah. Stupid kid. Yeah, yeah. What do you think? I definitely think there's some Daniac. There's some Daniac qualities to her.

That room. I don't know. I don't think she's acting actually. I think it's... No. Yeah. Yeah. It's a lot.

It's a lot to handle. Well, she's famous now. I think it's funny that is actually the thing that people in the general public are always not prepared for when something gets attention, like a video. Right. If you do comedy over time, as your profile grows, you build up a little bit and then it grows of a tolerance to people disrespecting you and treating you like shit online. So after it happens a bunch, you're like...

Who cares? Yeah. But if you're just like a regular person and you post videos, you don't normally get hate and then you have something that explodes like the assing of it, then you're like, why are people being... Yeah. It's got to be the most shocking to them, you know. Yeah.

Because what did you think was going to happen that people are like, cool ass-eating video. We really like what you're doing. Yeah. Like nobody. I got to ask you can eat. Yeah. It's all Puerto Rican guys. Yeah.

You got to eat this ass. You can eat my ass. Yeah. Eat my ass. You know? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

That's all she's getting right now, right? Of course. I got to ask you can munch. Can munch on my ass. Munch it. Munch it. Munch it. Munch it.

Yeah, of course. And then she's a... Horrible. Poor girl. Demanding respect is hilarious. Pimp Squad, baby! What's up with that, man? I don't know.

I just love it. The Pimp Squad? You miss her? You miss her? Yes, people are like, eat my ass! She was good. She's great, man. There's another man.

This is so demeaning and so funny. I was watching underworld, Inc., on Netflix, and they have, you know, different underworld secondary episodes, basically, you know, guns, drugs, sex trafficking. I feel like we pitched a show. I pitched a show in the 90s. Yeah, I know. It's like Vice, right? They cover all the cool stuff in life. They have this dude on the show. Let's see. I want to make sure I... I certainly wouldn't want to disrespect this pimp. His name is Bigtown, and he's riding around Oakland shouting out to his girls.

Well, well... He, uh... I'll just... I can't do him justice, so just watch him do his thing. Oakland, California. International Boulevard is a well-known track where prostitutes ply their trade. You better give your wings, bitch! Former drug dealer Bigtown works the shop floor. Bigtown! Bigtown offers a warped idea of providing protection.

To him, women aren't people. They're assets he controls. He has a management style, all his own. You can't stay posted, bitch! The girls give me 100% of every dollar that their pussy produces. That's what I'm talking about. That is my fucking man right there. Bigtown! What's up, Bigtown?

Yeah, Bigtown. Can we see his face? They don't show his face? No, they don't show his face. Well, because he's the PIMP. Yeah, of course. He, um... stays pimping. What do you say about wings? He says something about wings. You better get your wings! Prostitutes ply their trade.

You better give your wings, bitch! What the hell is that? To fly away? I don't know. Or to eat the wings. I was thinking about eating them, but... Me, too. Better get your wings, bitch! Oh, God. Let's see what else he's got for us. That's a good one.

For these hoes. Bigtown is a predator. Always on the hunt for new merchandise to add to his stock. Are you on the right train with the wrong track, baby? That's how he gets a hoe? That's how he gets a hoe. Yeah. You on the right train with the wrong track?

Yeah, baby. And then some girls like... Oh, yeah. Can I give you 100%? You look like a guy I could work for. Yeah. Prostitution is 100% more profitable than drug sales. Oh, yeah. For sure. Camping, you can spend $1,000 dressing these hoes.

Once you convince them, one hoe will clear what you put out there first night, if you're doing it for real. So at the end of the day, prostitution is 100% profit. Yeah, that ain't gonna work, bitch. Get off that phone. This asshole, by the way, he's so fucking fat and lazy that he just drives around and yells insults. He doesn't even walk up to them to insult them. Well, you can also hear his mouth.

He's got the biggie Smalls. What's also a terrible part about Oakland, California is also a blessing for a n***a selling pussy, because they got so much gunplay to deal with, man. They don't have the manpower to donate to the prostitution. Oakland coincides with pimping, man. N****s call it macking, playing. If you checking money up out of bitch, that's what you doing, man.

Getting some hodo. I like that. Hodo equals money from... No, we put that together. Yeah, we put that from... Thank you, shitbirds. Thank you very much. Yeah, Oakland. Goddamn. This guy's already legendary, man.

That's for reals. I'm loving him. There are severe consequences if his asset doesn't hand over all the dough. I check what the rest of the hoes getting. The rest of the hoes getting 800. You keep bringing me 450 and 500. I might go for that that first night. You do that again the second night, you know what I'm saying?

I'm going to check all the rest of the hoes for my money that you hide. If I find it, I'm going to beat the f*** up about you. That hoe gets stoned to the ground in front of the rest of the hoes. You know, so we get a demonstration and y'all get a good idea of what's going on. Let's see. That's just... No, no. Gorilla tip and get that clear.

Um... He's a real piece of shit. Well, it's just a different management style. It's management style. It ain't a dad in the car that said a bitch got a black eye. But I am f***ing with hoes. So I do got a straight new hoes every now and then. I hate this guy already.

Wait a minute. Wait, is he white? No, he's not white. He's a little pinkish. No, no, no. Well, I'm... He's... You think he's like a Mr. Whitefolks?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. This guy's a... He's a black man. He's... Well, I don't know. Mr. Whitefolks sounds black. He's super black. Okay.

But preventing women from going independent is the key to his business. Preventing it. This is a thoroughbred renegade. Made a whole day... So they call it renegades. So they call it renegades again. We've heard this term in the other documentary. Yeah, these are hoes that want to do it on their own.

Right, renegades. I love that. Jesus. As opposed to entrepreneurs. Entrepreneurs. Which is what they is. Yeah. Get off and throw in a garbage can.

Put that on a 10 o'clock move. That's what I think about a real renegade, man. That's terrible. You looking at hoes? He stops talking. What you looking at hoes? What a crazy person. Just to talk shit.

Talk to shit? He's talking his business and then he's like... What a fucking... You looking at hoes? Such an asshole. What a piece of shit this guy is. He's talking about beating the shit out of girls and then he only pauses to yell at them from the car.

That lazy piece of shit won't even get out of his car to yell at them. Yeah. Unbelievable. He's not a good guy, but pretty funny. But I really wish we could just legalize this so that these girls don't get their asses kicked by this dumb fuck. He would hate if that happened. Hey man, can we...

Do you mind playing Bee Weezy's new jam? Oh, it's so good. It's so funny. Yeah. We got to promote this. Is this the first one that we originally debuted on the show? Sure, sure, sure. The party line?

Well, it's kind of long, right? Oh, you're right. Okay. Well... So you guys know Brent Weinbach. He's actually... He's been on the show before. He made Gangster Party Line two years ago.

We played it on the show and we have... This one... We're not definitely responsible for this going viral. This one is viral because it is fucking... Oh, hilarious. Fantastic. So... Brent Weinbach.

That's his name. Look him up. Stand up. He's hilarious. Here's just like a little bit of... It has four million views now. I'm gonna talk some shit. Oh, so good.

So this is Gangster Party Line. What's up, nigga? You wanna talk some shit? Call me. Start some shit, bitch. You wanna talk shit about me, homie? Where you from? Hundreds of niggas is waiting for your motherfucking call

and they all talking shit about you right now. You wanna sell that shit? Call these motherfuckers ASAP. Yeah, I said some shit. What? Man, fuck you and your bones first. The hardest niggas is standing by, ready to pick up that phone.

So... Well, come on. Okay. We got your niggas. You're good. Dark niggas. Asian niggas. White niggas.

Suck my dick, bitch! Fuck you. One, two, one, three, three, seven, three, four, two, five, three. Just leicht, nigger, I'll fuck you up! Death niggas. Classic niggas. Racist niggas. Mystery niggas.

Dog niggas. Jewish niggas. You got some motherfucking nerds calling me out on some little bullshit ass niggas. Let it calm that shit down and come right here and show me some fucking respect before me and my Jewish niggas come up here and beat your ass niggas off top. Niggas is talking shit. Call now. 4.99 per minute.

So good. So one of the great things about, I mean there's a lot of great things that Wheezy did, but do you know that that number is live? Yes, it's a real phone number. It's a real phone number you can call. God, Brad. One of the great things is that he will answer that phone sometimes. Oh, he'll still answer the line?

Yeah, they play voicemails from it sometimes because people, he has the option to put it to voicemail, but sometimes he'll just answer and talk shit to you. So it's pretty amazing. Want to talk some shit? Want to talk some shit? Oh, so funny. Anyways.

One of my favorite sketches. Brent has made a number of really good YouTube videos like that one. His latest one is here. Man, it's so fucking good. We watched this a few times this weekend. Yeah, it was really funny. So I'll just play it. This one's not that long, so we'll play it for you here.

Here we go. Mindjack. All right, guys, guys, check it out. What I'm about to do is apply mind manipulation. What's your name? I'm Nathan. I want you to relax and stare into my eyes. Think about what I'm thinking about.

For people listening, this is like a David Blaine parody, right? He's a street magician, yeah. Share my thoughts. Two minds equaling one fiery mind. Focus, Nathan. Look down, Nathan. Oh, shit. You just busted a knife.

Oh. Yo, look. Nathan. Look again. Here we go. Yo. Yo. Yo, look at that.

How do you do it? I think it's God or something. Mindjack. All right. It's amazing. It's really so good. It's so good. Because those street magicians, it's so corny to be doing it.

It's pretty cool, but it's corny. Unbelievable. Same time. What happened to my... Oh, here we go. I just threw myself down too low. He's so funny, dude. Fuck boy.

Fuck boy. Boy. Yeah. Boy. That's a... A boy. Slim Jesus. Oh, okay, yeah.

He did it, and then... If I can't say faggot, I'm going to say fuck boy. And then you said it. I'm just waiting for a new song. You're the worst, you know that? You know, Tom, I trust you. I do this show with you, and then you, you know, you manipulate. No, I would not manipulate.

I fuck with savages, you a fuck boy, you can't hang. I like that song. You like the song? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who is this? Slim Jesus. The little white kid that works at Walgreens. That says shoot people up.

Okay. Yeah. He's pretty good. Okay. Wow. Yeah. Pretty great. Yeah, that was pretty funny.

Bweezy is good. Bweezy is good. You know, what's really not cool is that I had a jacket that I had tailored, because I was super fat when I delivered, after I delivered the kid, and I got this nice jacket, and I had it tailored so I could look normal on stage, and then I came home from the comedy store the other night, and I was so happy to wear it, and I like debuted it. And then you said, oh, you look like an art teacher. Can we post a picture of you in it?

It's on my Instagram. It is? It said me at the comedy store. I'm on stage wearing it. It's a black and white, I guess kind of like a hound toothy. Can you pull it up? Yeah. I thought I looked fucking real cute.

You know what I'm saying? You always look really cute. And then you told me I look like a fucking high school art teacher, piece of shit. It's right here. This is it. It's black and white, but it's a black and white coat, so it doesn't need to be shown in color. Can you look?

I mean, is that really that bad? I was feeling pretty good about myself, too. I was feeling myself. I was feeling like Tamar. I came back. Is it on autofocus? On top? There's an autofocus button.

I came back from the store, and I felt as good as Tamar. It's on manual. Oh, that's why. Why are you... I'll just post it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what do you think of the photo, though? Our teacher?

No. No, no, no. Thank you, Blue Band. You can't really tell on this picture, though. To be fair, we should take another picture. Fine. We'll take another photograph of my coat that I had tailored to fit my fat post-partum body to make me feel better about myself.

Don't say that. And then, you know, oh, look, it's you. You're an art teacher. Thanks, Tom. Babe. What? What are you doing? Where are you going through my Instagram?

Just see what's going on over here. Why are you going through my Instagram account right now? Why can't I go through it? Because it's my phone. Give me my phone. Let me see what else you got. You don't let me go through your shit. Give it to me.

How come you know the code to all my shit? I don't know any of the codes to your shit. Why aren't you going through my shit just now? Just to see what's going on. Yeah, you don't need to see what's going on. Why not? You're a fucking... Look at this.

This cat burka. Yeah. We got this for our dog, Bitsy. You should show this to any of it. Yeah. This is, uh, to the dog, the solution to the Bitsy problem. We can't stop her from eating everything and giving herself diarrhea. So I bought her a burka.

Yeah. You put it on her face and her... It covers her mouth so she can't eat stuff. And it's been working so far. She hasn't had diarrhea in like a week and a half. When you start a new year, do you get... Like, do you have a curriculum you know you're going to tease the kids? Like sculpting, sketching, painting?

Okay. Whoa. I'd like to have your password to your phone too. For what? Because you have the passcode to all my shit and I don't have any of yours. What do you need it for? And it's really annoying. I just want to look through your stuff too.

I don't look through your stuff? Y'all, huh? No, I don't. I'll be fucking on the couch and you'll just be like... I'm like, where's my phone? You're like, oh, I'm on it right now. Ordering food, doing things. Ordering Amazon.

By the way, if you haven't already, bookmark your mom's house by cast.com. Use the portal on our homepage to shop on Amazon. I don't go through your phone. You totally do. I see you do it all the time. I never go through your phone. You use all my apps. You're ordering DoorDash on here.

Instacur. It makes sense that we use the app on one person's phone for things coming to the house. Right. We use the app for groceries or dinner or something. We do it on that app. But you hand me the phone. You go here. You act like I'm taking it.

Yeah, but then I'll be doing something else and you'll be on my phone. Like looking at my picture. No, I don't. Oh, there's this picture. No, I don't. Yeah, huh? No, I do not. I'm not interested in going through your phone.

We had killer time massages on Friday. Yeah. You want them all? Why should we? Tom hates couples massages. Have we talked about this on the show? I don't think we have. We brought it up.

Yeah. Oh, where the lady one time goes, went to couples massage. Tom went, God, no. God. It sounds fucking terrible. I was like, relax. You made a big thing of it. Yeah.

Well, yeah, it's a little embarrassing. Like, you're my husband. We're supposed to do stuff together. We did do stuff together. So they didn't want to put us together because then you go, oh, is she going to be able to walk on my back? Yeah. And they're like, oh, no, not if you said the same womb.

So then they had to give a separate room. What did they say? I don't remember. You just said it though. I don't remember. But you just said it. No, no, no. Because I said, I haven't slept a lot.

She's going to walk on my back and they said. Not in the same room, sir. So then they put you in another room. Did she walk on your back? Yeah. Yeah. It's good. She's going to wait about 250.

Babe, she listens to the show. There's no way she listens to the show. There's no way she listens to the show. And she jumped up on my back and I had that moment of like, oh, fuck. She's 250 at least. I thought she was going to break me for sure. So I had to be like, oh, I just had a baby three months ago. Take it easy on me.

Instead of you're too fat to be sitting on top of me. Because what do you do? She's a big bitch. I'm so sorry. And she backed up. She backed up. Yeah. But what do you do if she's a big old bitch?

I like it. You do? Yeah. The heavier, the better, actually. Seriously. Really? Yeah. Because you feel the.

But you said she was too hard on you this time. And she was not big. That's that. I could not believe it. She was tiny. And I was like, oh, my eyes were watering. I was like, Jesus. But she also was doing things that didn't really.

Like there's certain parts of like, you know, your shin. Yeah. Or your, your outer, like the quad. I forget the name there where it's sensitive almost, I think on everyone. And she was going full pressure. I go, ha, ha, ha. Like that. And she goes, ha, ha.

And they always laugh when you. Yes. I was like, ah, she's like, ha, ha. They always do. Take it easy there. Oh, okay. My favorite, they stretch you and it's always too much. It's always too much of a stretch.

Yeah. And my inner thymine is real delicate and she was like, mash it. I was like, dude. Sometimes the stretches are too aggressive. That's what I'm. Yeah. I don't like that either. They did.

I was face down, takes my leg up, like bend at the knee. And then immediately push it to my butt where I was like, maybe ease into that. You know, why don't we do it and kind of steps. I know. I don't like when they crack anything on me too. I'm going to write that down. I like crack, but I don't trust the neck crack. No, we used to live on the East side.

We used to go to the same place like every time. Yeah. There was a girl who would go like, and then take your head and go. Snap your neck. Well, cause these motherfuckers are not chiropractic. No. Qualified. And they would just like whisk her off to another massage place.

They'd be like, uh, Kathy kill somebody. Make her go to Kathy. That's always their name. Kathy. Kathy kill someone, send her over to sunrise massage cause she can't work here no more. Yeah. Well, this place was nice cause you noted that it didn't smell like they're stinky food. Sometimes with, with Ty, it'll just be like a restaurant.

Yeah. Cause they'll, they'll all bring in their Tupperware stuff and it stinks like a fucking restaurant. Yeah. It's always real spicy. That's going to give you ring stink. Yeah. Sometimes I smell their breath. When they put your face up and they're like garlic breath.

One thing I don't like to hear is when it, um, when the massage takes too much out of the person, you hear them breathe and they're like, like, dude, I'm not going to relax with you. Hyperventilating. Yeah, that's true. But the time massage is always a great cause it's dirt cheap. It's so cheap. That's the whole thing.

You can, you feel like you can do it all the time. It's so cheap. Yeah. It's such a treat. One time I went to a resort. It was my, my dad had a business trip and I went there and I, they had like a, it was like a five star resort. They had a spa and I go, I'm going to go get a massage.

I call it. I didn't even think to specify things. They gave me an old man. No. Yes. And during the massage, he was like, like every pressure thing. I sound like it was his last breath every single time. That's the worst.

Oh no. All I listened to the whole time was this guy breathing. I hope you enjoy yourself. This is my last massage. It was, it was rough, man. I used to go to this guy, this one guy in Silver Lake. Yeah. We heard a lot about him.

Yeah. He's great. Apparently though, he was touching the tits because I sent him, I sent other girls to him and he was touching their tits. Nice. Well, I'm saying you shouldn't do that, but nice. He never touched my tits. Sure.

That's why he was so great. Disconcrete the tip. Why do you? Could you flip over and give you a tip massage now? Babe. What? What if that was the reason I was going to him? Of course.

That's terrible. Could be. But apparently he was feeling up all the other people. He never filled me up. Maybe you wanted a little bit. Two of my friends, they said that he felt. So did you, they said that he felt them up? Yes.

That they, when you, when you go on your back, that he was giving them titty massage, I don't think so. This guy was a little effeminate. He wasn't, you know, he never did it to you. Nope. Not once. Why do you think he did not? Because I've got huge slobbers.

Why would he not want to feel those? Maybe he didn't know where they began and where they ended or something. I don't know. Okay. No, because I don't, I don't know. I don't know why. Maybe you come in with me a few times and he knew like this bitch has a bear. Asshole.

He got a big bear with you. Yeah. Do you miss him? I do. Yeah. I was contemplating driving to go see him again. Really? Yeah.

Wow. Yeah. Good guy. He was really good. I don't know if he's still there. That's really love, man. I know. And I'm so bummed because I, there are a few people that we left behind in our old place.

Yeah. Really good. That's hard to find. Once you find that special person, the price is right. They do this shit. Yeah. You don't want to leave them. Yeah.

No. My life is hard. Life is hard. It kind of makes you want to listen to this. That, like for me, even if who knows what happens with the film, but like that works so shocking and crazy that I was like, whoa, I can't believe I did that. But it feels really good too. It gets things out of you.

I don't know. The best acting for me is when I feel like something from my life, like really was undone and released. That's Kirsten Dunst. That's Kirsten Dunst? Yeah. Oh, wow. She's a little vocal friar.

A little. It's kind of up there with the Lord of all improv. Whose birthday it was. His birthday was just yesterday, I believe. Happy Smurf Day, Steven Seagal. Seagal turned 64 years old. We should point out that he has a couple films that just hit Netflix. I think A Good Man and Absolution are now on Netflix.

We should watch those. We should check those out. I would love to. We should. But can't we sit through the whole film? That's the problem. That is the real challenge. Yeah.

Kirsten Dunst, do you think we can sit through the whole film? That was her. Yeah. Gosh. It's really sad. At first I thought it was a porn star. It's really something, right? She's good too.

She's such a good actor. I like that. Here's Seagal. And then. Yeah. That's so silly. She's a good actress. And she was great in Fargo.

Fucking amazing. Yeah. She's really talented. I like her a lot. Fargo. Fargo. Sorry. We have finally, we caught up on Better Call Saul and House of Farts.

We're finally getting into it. We're not caught up. No, but we're starting to finally. Yeah. I'm not really fucking. I don't know, man. It's making me very, very unhappy. Why are you so upset, Tom?

I like when Francis and Claire butt sniffing underwood. I like that they were psychos and I like that they were, you know, just winning at all costs and savages. But I like when they're together. Yeah. When they're team jeans. Team jeans. When they put one leg in each pant hole and they pull them up.

But now this new season, I don't want to give anything away, but they're very against each other. Yeah. It's jeans against jeans. Yeah. Yeah. And I agree. I'm not interested in that.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know. I like to see them as a team. Cosby Team Tresby. Yeah. Oh well.

Yeah. They're fresher than ever. She's really. Really spicy. Struttin' that stuff. Yeah. Struttin' that ass. Struttin' that ass.

Struttin' that ass. Struttin' that ass. Yeah. She's flexin' it, man. She's really like. We'll see what happens. So far it's very interesting. Yeah.

I'm on board. By the way, I was watching a little bit with, my sister was here with her fiancée and we started to watch Pee Wee's Big Holiday. Right. Right. That's a new movie. It amazed me. They go, how old is Pee Wee?

And I said, it's got to be late 40s, I was assuming, you know, and anyways, I looked it up. Do you know how old he is? 50s. 63. Pee Wee Herman's 63. 63 years old. Wow.

Incredible. I would make sense. It does when you really think about it. Yeah. But it's still. Wow. He looks great. Dude, Pee Wee Herman.

It's a special effect. Really? To make him look younger. Blueban says. Oh, in that film? Wow. And that's like a known thing. I read an article on it yesterday.

Oh. So he read an article. Blueban says, and they made him look younger, I guess, because the character has to be that young. The whole thing is that the character is yeah, like eternal youth, but yeah, but we're talking about a guy who's not far from 70. That's crazy. It still looks great.

Even being, you know, that whole thing, it was so sad that he lost his career over jerking it in a porno theater. Who hasn't done that? Right. I mean, if I had half his career, I'd be fucking in the dumps 20 times over. I've jerked off in fucking phone booths, hospitals, you know? Right. Who hasn't?

Yeah. Right. Funerals. Absolutely. My dad's funeral. Your dad's funeral. Yeah. But I mean, look, if all places to jerk off in public, that's kind of where you're supposed

to jack it is at the movie theater that plays dirty movies and he got really reamed for that. I read a little recap about it, you know, just because I had just read about him and apparently, you know, there was like a sting operation going on there and they had arrested some people in the theater and he was actually walking out and someone spotted him. And it's almost like they were like, oh, that's, and he goes, I'm Pee-wee Herman. Famous and then get him. And then he offered the police department to do a show for free for like kids in the

area to make the story go away. And then his lawyers also approached the DA with that, with like, can he do it? They were like, no, of course not. That's terrible. Oh, God. Well, when you think about the transgressions of other famous people, like George Michael, wasn't he jerking in the bathroom? Blowjob.

No, blowjob. Blowjob and didn't ruin his career. Yeah. It sucks. The thing that sucked for Pee-wee is that the FPL was that he was a kid's guy. Yeah, I know. Well, I mean, can we teach our kids about masturbating? Is that not part of the curriculum anymore?

I know. I mean, your dad probably showed you how to masturbate very early. That's one thing that he was not. Those two. You didn't talk about that, huh? Not even a tiny, tiny bit. That's terrible. Yeah.

No. No, I don't think my parents did. I told me anyway. Not even the slightest. I can remember a couple of masturbation things as a kid. One time I had masturbated and I just wanted to kind of feel like it was somewhat, you know, okay. I knew what I was doing, but, you know, I was probably 10.

So I went to my dad and I go, um, I was taking a shower and I was washing, you know, between my legs and then this stuff came out and he goes, don't wash along next time. And then walked away and I was like, oh, I guess I shouldn't do that. Yeah. Did you feel guilty? Of course. Yeah. And another time I remember I approached him and I was like, um, do you ever masturbate?

I just straight up asked him and he goes, one time when I was 16, I was like, that's it. And he was like, yeah. But what would be better? Like I was thinking about it. Would you want your dad to talk to you about it? Not that he would be like, come here, I want you to watch me do something. Not like that.

But I think, I think the approach that I would have preferred would be like, Hey, just so you know, I mean, it would have been weird. Right? He'd be like masturbate. I'm like, I don't want to hear about you. Like, just so you know, you know, you do it in private in your room or in the bathroom. It's normal to do it not 10 times a day, but you're going to, you know, it's going to happen.

Like just let you know that you're in the realm of normal behavior. Right. Yeah. Someone needed to tell you that. Yeah. Like I felt like I was a total. That's so interesting because even like my mother bought me a book called what's happening to my body and it was so dumb.

And I, you know, I told you about armpit hair and periods, but I don't even think there was a section about masturbating. It totally should be. There should, that should have been like chapter one. Hey, this is what you should be doing. It's normal. Sometimes when you do this, it makes you pussy feel good. Yeah.

Okay. Like that. Right. Are you going to talk to our son about this? For sure. Like what age? Six. Six.

No. Well, when he's a little bit, I don't know, probably like getting into puberty. Yeah. 11. Hey man. Here's the rules. Okay. I'm going to stroke your heart.

It's normal to do. Yeah. Do it in the bathroom. Try to get it down the drain. If you're doing your bedroom, shut the door, nobody wants to hear about it. Nobody wants to hear about it and don't make mom clean your laundry with your crusty socks and stuff. I bet you did that.

Oh yeah. You're such a dope. I would throw all my boxers. Oh my God. I'm going to throw up. And they would crust up and then I would throw them under the bed. So then like six to 12 pairs of crusty boxers and I would just throw them in the laundry chute.

And your mother did it? Yeah. She never said anything to you? Of course not. Like your Chonies or kind of. You know what I used to do though? I'd be embarrassed by them. So I would soak.

There was a sink next to our laundry machine. I don't know, whatever. It's just a laundry sink. And I would throw all my boxers in there and wet them. So they would get. Right. That's humane. Yeah.

They would soak. Because you don't really have a sense of shame. Like I asked you to stop by the drug store to make some sexual purchases for us. And you left the bag of rubbers just, no, not even that. You just took it out of the box, put it right on the credenza, right in the hallway. Whoever comes over can just see our box of rubbers. Thank you. Yeah.

Do you have any sense of shame? Remember the other one? The cock rinks? Yeah. It's fun. And our housekeeper put them in a plastic bag for you. But I told you, she didn't know. She knows what they are.

She does not know. She knows. They don't have those in her country. She just thought, like, oh, these are new rubber bands. They're so. That's why she put them in a sanitary ziploc bag next to your bed. She didn't say shit. No, that's the best part about her, is that she's.

And these keep your cock hard. Mr. Give your cock hard. Cock it soft sometime. If you lose weight, maybe you're cocking harder. Thank you for that. I noticed you're very fat. Fat.

Your body fat will keep your erection not so hard. But the cock ring make you come hard, too. I noticed. If she pushes dry. I'm sorry. What Nancy? You can. What's that?

I use her life. If you like to live down there and give her a pussy wave, if you like. Wow, Nancy. Jesus Christ. Your half heart cock inside of her. How do you know all this stuff, Nance? Because we fuck a lot and go back. That would be great if she said something.

She's found so much of our nasty shit. That's the bond. They know all your shit. All your secrets. Tomorrow she's going to be like, you shark this weekend and your boxers. These are shark boxers in the trash can. Oh, I know. Because I'm like, what did you do with your shitty boxers?

Throw them in the trash. Well, then Nancy's going to get those, too. You make a shark in here. You see, your diet makes your shit. Stop being so fat you won't shark and you'll get heart again. You want to talk some shit? You're eating spicy foods, I see. Yeah, that's right.

Middle pepper flakes in your shit. Oh, my God. What is this here we have? I want to talk some shit. Yeah, what is this? We're getting, we're getting to see crazy loaks react. I'm going to show him. Should I fast forward that?

Yeah. Yeah. What's happening? Oh, I guess they showed him. Oh, oh, where did that go? They showed him the song, right? Yeah, pushing. So somebody made a crazy loaks song.

Great. No, no, with crazy loaks music. So they basically edited. Right, they helped it. I mean, that's one way of putting it. I was saying. Oh, oh, sorry. That's the right way to say that.

Yeah, I was saying that they, you know, you know. You know what I'm saying? Just made a song, but what I'm saying is that the song, they played it for him in front of him. So we get to see him react. No way. To his own music. This is awesome.

We never get to see this part. We're getting, we're going to see Crazy Loaks react. So we're going to show him his remix on Segura's podcast. Okay. I can't decide. I'd love for you guys to comment on it. So we'll do that. Stoomy, thanks a lot.

Here is Crazy Loaks pushing made by Stoomy going on out. So thank you guys. See you next week. Crazy Loaks is going to keep aint, aint pushing. Push from the training to the rapping. Crazy Loaks got to keep aint, aint pushing. From the training to the rapping. Got set, aint, aint, aint, aint.

Yep. God bless. Cause God is good. Yep. Cause he's the best. Shout to the fans. It's all good. Yeah.

He's rapping over the song that they. I know. I love it. The remix, it has some drops. You gotta keep a foot here. So, clearly he likes it. Yeah. I'm going down.

Shout out to Stoomy. Everybody. Shout out to everybody. Stoomy. Crazy Loaks ain't gonna keep aint. Push from the training to the rapping. Crazy Loaks got aint, aint, aint, aint pushing. To the training, to the rapping.

Got set, aint, aint, aint, aint, aint, aint pushing. All right. From the training to the rapping. Crazy Loaks got aint, aint, aint, aint, aint, aint, aint, aint, aint, aint, aint, aint, aint, aint, aint, aint, aint, aint pushing. From the training to the rapping. I love it. I'm stupid.

He loves it. It looks like he's an ingrarian. A DJ, Hollybyte, A-cloops, oops. Hey now, look at this. How sick is that? Shougles out to the fans and A-body. You know what I'm saying? Thanks for the support to A-body.

Like I've been saying, everybody keep it pushing and God bless. Cheer. That was awesome. He loves it. Can I tell you what Crazy Loaks, I feel like he's finally getting the attention he deserves. I feel like your mom's house has really facilitated that for him. We've created yet another star. It is a star.

We broke Thursday Lane. We broke Peter Kane. We broke Auntie Fifi. LinkedIn is helpful. Now we've broken Crazy Loaks. You know how many stars have come out of your mom's house? It is ridiculous. You know, last week we had a big thing, a big back and forth about how to say, right?

Right. Lecroy. Lecroy. It's Lecroy. It's Lecroy. It's Lecroy. Website. And like enjoy.

It's Lecroy. Like St. Croix. We left them a voicemail last week. Right. Right. We told them, hey, we need to. Keep pushing. Yeah.

I like that song now. The song's pretty good, man. No, it's really good. Yeah. Yeah. I'm glad that Crazy Loaks likes it, too. Oh, yeah. He really, he got down to it.

It was funny shit. Where is... Keep pushing. Keep pushing. Okay. I can't even open up my cheat sheet. Keep pushing. There it is.

All right. So anyways, we left that message during the show. Remember I called. Yes. They wrote back to our email. Oh my goodness. Here we go. Okay.

It says, bonjour Jean-Pierre. Thank you for calling Lacroix Sparkling Water. We are so happy to hear that you enjoy the Mango Sparkling Water. We are even happier that you're pronouncing Lacroix correctly. We receive hundreds of calls from fuckboys. What? P.L.S. What is this?

People pronouncing it Lacroix like enjoy. Lacroix. Ching chong, chong, chong dummies. I bet they pronounce FedEx like FDX in order to correctly answer your question about carbonation making you belch out and not fluctuate. My first share a little history on our product. Our Mango Sparkling Water was invented by Nazi scientists. The story goes, Adolf Hitler demanded a sparkling water beverage with high carbonation so he

could belch in faces of Jews in the hundreds block of Auschwitz. The original drink was debuted on 420, Hitler's birthday at the Ventura Harbor Comedy Club. I'm seeing you guys. Historical records tells us that Jews would shout, hey Hitler, and if two young gentlemen were there that had tie and tight jeans enough, Adolf would belch a beef cream right in their face. Those lucky Jews. At the end of the day, we say true to our original formula, you know what I'm saying?

It is good for the furor, well it is good for Mr. White folks, and Big Daddy Kane, Sub-Kang. I do have good news for you. Lacroix scientists are working on a special formula that guarantees double pipe classics in every can. This will revolutionize the soda game, never has a soda affected the how you say rectum and the esophagus at the same time. The drink will be unveiled in Newport titties at Caroline, September 8th, 9th, and 10th. This is a Polly by Friendly Establishment, DJ Dadmouth will be spending records, and

they will be serving a succulent Chinese meal. We look forward to seeing you there. Please bring Visa, Mazda, Harder, or Cash. Sincerely, Kimman Customer Service. Wow. Thank you, Lacroix. Yeah, how interesting they dropped all these references that sound familiar to us. It does sound familiar.

Lacroix. It does sound familiar. Thank you for getting back to us. Yeah. Don't roll your eyes. I saw you like it. It's not Lacroix. It's Lacroix.

It's on our website. Lacroix. Lacroix. Lacroix. Merci. What's your favorite flavor right now? Because we've got quite a few in the house. We sure do.

We've got mango, apricot, and strawberry, pineapple. I like the strawberry, pineapple the most. Yeah, that one's good. Wait, which one do you not like, the apricot? I think it's, I can't remember. It might be the mango. I didn't like it at all. I didn't like the way it smells.

What should I do with the different, comparing the different ethnicities? Can I piss really quickly? I got a pee. Oh, okay. Real, real bad. Perfect. Okay. All right.

How was your peachy? Oh, man, I was so powerful. I really had to go bad. I really held onto it too long. It's kind of a neat part about childbirth, is I don't really feel my bladder when it's full anymore. I just kind of have to guess. Nice.

Nice. I'm like a six-year-old. Oh, nice. You ready to do this? Let's get into it, man. Let's fucking do it. All right. Sounds good.

Would you rather? We have a few submitted. As always, you can submit your would you rather to us, your mom's podcast at gmail.com. These came in from McPuppey breath. One of them did. Okay. One of them did. Well, let's read his first time.

Would you rather have a big healthy dick and your son has to have a micro penis or he gets to have a big healthy dick and you have the micro penis? It's kind of a really interesting question. Psychology behind that. Well, the psychology and also the love that you love your offspring so much. Would you rather them have the great thing or? Well, yeah, I mean, I've told us to you now if it's between you and Ellis dying, I choose you to die.

Thank you. I remember that. It's not really one of the questions. If you guys are in a boat drowning, I'd choose my son and you just fucking die. Yeah, I remember that. I think my answer to that was I'd hit you in the back of the head with a fucking hammer. A claw hammer. A claw hammer.

And then my son would live. Even though I don't even have to hurt you, I just have to do it. Oh, just for the added fun? Yeah, the added fun. Yeah. Making my death hurt. Thanks. I'd stab you in the neck with a screwdriver and then I'd be like, all right, Ellis, let's

go. Thanks for that. But no, but do you understand that they're also saying in this one, would you rather him suffer because he has a micro penis or do you suffer? And my answer is honestly, I would take the big penis. That's rude. And give him the micro penis. You know why?

Why? He doesn't know any better. He's a kid. He's a baby. Small anyways right now. He's a baby. He doesn't need a big, healthy hog. You just let him have a baby penis for the rest of his life?

He'll find other things to get good at. That's terrible. Yeah. I don't want to deal with a, look, I'm already not packing a lot. If you're telling me, let's see the micro version of this. Whoa. Yeah, but you're married to me. You're already set up.

You have love. I would not dump you because of a micro penis. Yeah. I would just show it off though. I mean, you know, I pull it out at parties. I do, you know, I'm a grown up. Right. So, yeah, having a big, old, healthy one, that'd be fun.

But you've already lived your life. You're old. You're 58 years old. I'm not 58. Done everything you want to do. Yeah. Give your son the healthy hog. Christina, would you rather your husband have the big nice one or your son?

My son. But you get to benefit from the big nice one. Yeah. But I've had my big nice. I've had 39 years of big nice ones, Puerto Rican ones, black ones, Haitian, Dominican ones. It's time to let my son have a bigger heart. You have the bigger heart.

I'm taking the big, healthy one. You're selfish, man. He'll be fine. Are you being serious? Am I being serious? Yeah. You're the worst. Why?

All right. I have to tell you why. It's fine. He'll be fine. You're a horrible man. He's fine. He'll get used to it. You know?

See, I've already experienced not having micro penis. The amount of psychological trauma I would endure from accepting the micro penis would be too much. But you're married. It doesn't matter. It does matter. No, it doesn't. You're not showing your hog to anybody.

It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. No, thanks. Do you realize the amount of psychological trauma going from a normal one to a micro penis? Like what that would do? But then just having a small don your whole life. Exactly.

I don't know. Listen, this is a dick thing. I got to do it. Yeah. I'm the president of the dick society. I know. I know, dude. If there's one thing I know in this world, it's dicks and cocks and balls.

And I'm saying I'm taking it. Yeah. All right. This is your domain, your dick domain. Do you have one? Yeah. Go ahead. Okay.

Would you rather? Every time. Okay. You can go on a vacation once a year. Yeah. For the rest of your life. Free vacations. Anywhere around the world.

But you're on a cruise. It's always a cruise. And it's always with your family. Oh my God. Four. Or you have to spend a year alone in Alaska. Alaska. Free.

That's so quick. Really think about it. I thought about it. It's a long time. It's not that hard. It's a really simple one. All right. Hello, Alaska.

Here I come. Juno. But here's the thing is that. See an anchorage. You do get to go on a free vacation. It is a cruise. It's not my favorite. Alaska.

Alaska. Fishing. Hunting. A year alone in solitude. You go crazy a year alone. You're not talking to anybody. Alaska. That was quick.

I wanted to go work for Sarah Palin. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Join the Palin campaign for Palin for president. See, here's the thing. I might choose the free cruise for a year. Even though it's with every family member that I fucking cannot stand.

Alaska. Because here's what we did on the cruise we went on last time. You buy that VIP pass that gets you in the secluded areas of the ship. He stayed away from people. Which is what we did last time. Yeah, last time. I would go crazy on that cruise. Crazier on the cruise.

I know. Crazier than being alone. Yeah. Okay. That's good. Thank you. But yeah, Alaska. Okay.

But you were out. You would take the vacation. That's interesting. I would because I love vacations and I would find a way. I mean, much like in my day to day life, I find a way to avoid my family. My family lives in LA and I don't see that. Yeah, I know. But I mean, I struggle with four, six, seven hours with family.

Yeah. So, I mean, my dad's a different story. I can hang out with him. Dad's, your dad's amazed. Yeah, I can hang out with him all day every day. But no. How about this one came in? Would you rather work at a D quality hotel chain?

Like a hotel, six, super eight, anything with a number in its name. Lair. As a housekeeper for the rest of your life. Okay. There's some brutal things. And you see a lot of shit. Oh, literally. It's like our house.

Yeah. Or eat one dog shit sandwich per day for one year. And that's it. And I'm out after a year. I have to eat the whole sandwich. It doesn't say a bite. It doesn't say a bite. It says eat a sandwich.

You get sick though. You get really sick every day. You get violently ill. No, I'd rather just clean hotel rooms for the rest of your life. Here's what I would do, bro. I would start a side business at that hotel. Yeah. I'd sell weed or something or work for big town.

You had a pocket. I would not work for big town. Or I would start my own prostitution ring in the hospital. There you go. In the hospital. A hotel? Uh-huh. I mean, look, there's worse jobs in cleaning up hotel rooms.

Yeah. I know. But that's a rough one. Motel 6 is a rough one. It's harsh. Yeah. It's going to suck. Yeah, but eating shit is too much.

I can't do that, dude. Yeah. I think I would actually do the same. I would just accept this is my life. There are gigs that I would prefer to eat the dog shit sandwich on. Oh, really? Which ones would those be? Anything dealing with human beings, like having to touch them, like old folks' homes.

What if your job was to change like old folk diapers every day? How about massage therapists? I would hate to touch strangers. That's the thing. We talked about that. God, I hate touching people. I wouldn't want to do that either. I wouldn't want to do that.

Well, what if... Okay. Here's the thing. I wouldn't want to touch me. Right. I would see me. I would want to fucking massage me. Now, here's a modified version of this one because I think the thinking behind this is

really good. Would you rather be a prostitute for that asshole? What's his name? Hightown? Big Time. Big Town. Big Town's Po. Big Town Wings, bitch.

Or you eat the dog shit sandwich. Oh, my God. What's I'm saying? Like... Yeah. No, then you'd be like, I want to get violently ill every time. Right. Or you're like a Russian hooker.

You're like a Ukrainian third world stolen from the mafia by the mafia in your drug heroin every day and you're 15 years old and you're the prostitute. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Like, that's horrible too. That's the worst job. Yeah. They're like a Russian hooker.

They didn't take this shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This one came in. I'll just read you this real quick from Sebastian. Long time listener. First time e-mailer. Long time. First time.

Long time. Would you rather have all your browns for the rest of your life be hot toothpaste shits, you know, where you need to wipe at least like eight to 13 times. So there already are. Yeah. And most of the time there would be still brown back there. Yeah, that's what the bidet is for, bro. These are long, hot, moisty browns.

Yes. Where you spend 30 minutes on the toilet. Yes. You spend half that time wiping. You never feel clean. Yeah. Just oozing out at you. Would you rather have a dead tooth in your mouth?

Oh, fuck that. That you could not remove. Fuck that. The dead would be visible to everyone. No. Oh, it would not be visible. It would be like a molar tooth. No.

Back of your mouth. I don't care. It's a zombie tooth, but it would give you the worst breath. Yeah, that's the problem. And it would end up eventually decaying the rest of your teeth. Yeah, I mean, you described our browns basically. Yeah, I live with that. It's like, would you rather live the life you're living now or just have shit mouth?

Yeah. Sorry, Sebastian, but we take current brown situation. Right? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Definitely. Definitely. Anything else, James?

Yeah, okay. I have one. Are you ready? Yeah, okay. Making you laugh. Yeah. Hold on though. Let me think.

That's the worst. Oh, I know. Okay, ready? What, what, what? I like this teeth idea though. So I'm going to kind of tangential off the teeth. Would you rather, are you listening to me? Have your front tooth missing.

Just one of your front teeth. Okay. The right one. Just gone and you can't fix it. Oh man. It's terrible. You're just going to have a front tooth gone for like five years. Yeah, yeah.

Or you're a DJ. You get your sweet DJ dad mouth. Or you're, I am a DJ. Yeah. But the only music you can play is Garth Brooks. And you've got to find a way to make it interesting. You've got to make Garth Brooks and do Garth Brooks music. You're like Garth Brooks DJ.

But you can only play Garth? Yeah. Or you have to play some Garth? No, no, no. The only music you're allowed, your old catalog as a DJ is everything Garth Brooks. What the fuck is wrong with you? What's his hit song? Is it Inner Shirley Stand Up?

Oh no. He's got a. Mother. He's got, I got friends. And a place where the whiskey farts in. And a bean mouth in the room. But you're like the cool dad Garth Brooks DJ. I like that.

Yeah. Well, I think. I really like that. Front tooth missing. That's how I feel about that. You'd be like the Toothless comic, the Toothless retarded comic. I think so my DJ appeal would be like, come to my show. There's going to be cool stuff, slick stuff, neat stuff.

Yeah. I think I would take the Toothless retarded comic. Yeah. At least I could do what I wanted to do. I don't want to fucking play Garth Brooks. But a missing tooth will ruin your life. First of all, do you get it? You lose me.

Okay. I lose you. Where I'm missing. You would take my micro penis, but not a missing tooth. And I have to see your penis all the time. Yeah, you do. You really tell us going to fuck up your whole world. Missing a tooth is a horrible.

It ruins everything. You're not going to want to smile. I don't want to look at you. You stand up career. People are going to be like, is that guy missing a fucking friend? But that becomes part of the act. That becomes part of the act, man. I'm the retarded toothless comic.

Hi, guys. Okay. Do you ever notice? No, you're mocking. Do you get it? Do you get it? Do you get it? What would you take?

You'd be the Garth Brooks DJ? Yeah. You're out of your mind. Yeah, because I get, you know, find a way to make that interesting. You can mix like, you can remix the beats to make them cool. No. There's loopholes on it. There's loopholes we're not thinking about, Tom.

Wow, only one burp this whole episode. No, there was a few that you're not thinking about. I don't even hear them anymore. Yeah, they're there. All right. We've got to get out of here, Jeans. Okay. This song is called Amaze, and a fan made it.

Amaze? What is also Amaze? Yourmomshousepodcast.com, TomSugarra.com, 1000 Ranch.com. The store will be up and running next week. Thank you all for listening to the show, watching the show. Thanks, mommies. Bye, Jeans. Bye, Jeans.

Hello, mommies. I've been wondering if crazy loaks will ever meet Tommy. The reels don't. They say that LinkedIn is real helpful. The business meet in Greece. Hello. Can you help me? I've gotten a fan.

You'll lose messing with the Danny Axe and me. And so, hey, Hitler. It's Danny. If Tom can't buy himself turntables, then he should fucking leave for someone younger. Who fills more seats and will lick dead ass. Gotta wear them high and tight. Crazy loaks and Tom should fight in a little villa. A succulent Chinese meal.

And my whatcha call it? Oh, I'm wrecked dumb. And it is a maze.