Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 340-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: April 20, 2016

Tommy and Tina went on a pegging adventure. Please take a look. Also, note that pegging doesn't involve another dude (BERT). You want to hear/see something gross? You KNOW we've got you covered. There's a young dude who likes grandma's GROSSSSS.  Plus there's a girl who is in to tasting the uh, splooge, of dudes from different ethnicities. GROSSSSSSER. Tina tries to trick Tom into playing incriminating clips of verbal "slip ups." Will it backfire on Tina? Probably.  And a NEW Gnawm Sayin King is proud to take his throne. Smell us?

I think fuck boy is one of my favorite I think fuck boy You're a fuck boy It's a huge insult Fuck boy It's the PC version of faggot Well I like fuck boy If I can't say faggot I'm gonna say fuck boy

Sounds like you're already doing it Faggot Fuck boy Faggot Fuck boy Faggot Fuck boy Faggot

Fuck boy Sounds like you're already doing it Do we know who did that one? Yeah that was Ali Mahfoud I love it Yeah He did one of the would you rather that was really good Did he do the one we picked?

He's good Nice work Ali Thank you very much Check it out I'm going to Sperm Can Washington Washington Also known as Spokampton

or Spakistan I like Spakistan I guess they get busy in Spokane I'm there at the Spokane Comedy Club on what's it called Thursday, Friday, Saturday This week with the full charge That's pretty exciting

Your baby's daddy in the concierge Baby's daddy in the concierge What else? Jacksonville, Florida That's not how you say that That's not how you say that Jack her I know we've got a ton of good submissions

I don't know why I can't Jack herville? Ah shit Red band? Blue band? I don't know Whatever We fucked up on that one May 5th

6th 7th In Spoke in Jacksonville, Florida Comedy Zone Then sewer juice New York The funny bone there is just two minutes Good one May 20 and 21

I can't wait to go there I've never been to Syracuse Suck my juice Suck my juice And then Irvine is now on sale Spermvine or Purvine? Irvine

And Irvine I like that one too Irvine, California The improv June 9, 10 and 11 Yum, yum, yum And of course Jewport titties In September at Carolines is on sale

As is Fill her up Delphia Trocadero Theater November 19th That is more than halfway sold Even though it's quite a ways out So get your tickets now TomSegura.com Slash shows

Jeans This Wednesday on the 20th of April What is it, Tom? Hi, Hitler Hi, Hitler's birthday I'll be during the Ventura Comedy Club And then May 27th and May 28th The La Jolla Comedy Store

And then most Saturdays I'm at the comedy store here in Hollywood I usually do the 8pm show Because I have a baby Jeans to come home to Yeah Oh, listen to That's Deep Bro This week I talk about this girl who wrote in Who is jealous of the porno girls

That her boyfriend watches Ooh So that was kind of interesting Ooh Also, Jeans Do you shop on Amazon? I know you do Please use our banner

Your mom's housepodcast.com Click on the banner at the bottom of the homepage You're shopping as you normally would It helps our show And I have a big announcement That after three years I am bringing back Charging to the game the football games

That's chips in a bowl That's the horns That's a cat eating kibble I don't know why you're not That's a huge announcement It's a huge announcement I'm very, very, very excited to do it I had to get a whole new RSS

Because it's been dormant for so long Yeah But listen We're going to try to do it Even We're going to do a pre-draft episode this week Should go up Thursday And then I'm going to continue to do episodes

In the weeks that follow Just off-season episodes Talking to players Talking to sports writers So I'm really excited to do it Lots of college and NFL talk Should be a lot of fun Cool

Hold on, press pause for one minute Okay Just because I want to make sure my audio sounds good Because I sound I don't know if it's these cans Okay They sound like I'm in a tin can Okay

You all right? Yeah I just want to make sure everyone can hear my beautiful voice You know Absolutely Such a lovely singing voice And as always you can send your emails To your mom's podcast

Your mom's podcast At gmail.com There's no house There is a Facebook page That you can like And you can post on We post there pretty often It's facebook.com

Slash your mom's house podcast And of course always remember that LinkedIn is helpful LinkedIn is very helpful If you want to Did you mention the YouTube page as well That people should subscribe to it? No

Go ahead If you're already watching us hopefully on YouTube Subscribe Right And that way you can get We drop stuff When is the drop date? Tuesday

At midnight At 11pm Pacific Specific The episode comes out On YouTube And then Basically at midnight

The audio releases Okay But there's also fun little clips Behind the scenes And all kinds of stuff So check out the YouTube channel And subscribe please Yeah

Yeah Gosh enough business right? Nope Not really There's more There's a whole lot more Yeah That's the whole actual business part

That's coming up So Let me Get you ready Okay To do what you do And here Here you go

Let's do it You ready to get the show on the road? I'm really excited We got so much to catch up on with the listener So much has happened in the last week Oh yeah man It was your birthday And we did stuff

So now we've settled Let's um Sorry Okay Okay Whoa What the fuck How did that happen?

Oh my gosh God damn it All these technical difficulties today Let's see If I can make this work Alright Oh god That is the fattest person I've ever seen

Who's this guy? Is this Manuel Uribe the world's fattest man? Here we go Ready to start the show? Yep Let's go So now we've settled On a white picket fence

Tommy Buns taking a pegging class What's pegging? You know what pegging is? Pegging is uh When a dude has Sex with another Dude What's pegging?

This is big time Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this Don't burn when the fuck is dead Welcome Welcome Welcome to your mom's house With Tom Segura

Tom Segura And Christina Pajitse Christina Pajitse Welcome to your mom's house Feel it Oh yeah So That's it

Oh shit He gave a Little bit of the E Street face He did Oh yeah Yeah Kevin He did it

What the fuck It's so fun to talk shit about spring scene On social media Like post up Cause he has such a Hardcore face Oh yeah Basically if I write something about him

Or Donald Trump On social media There's always backlash Yeah Which is really really amazing Well spring scene is like A rock god Wrapped in an American flag

Right You cannot talk shit on the boss dude They call him the boss Right That's how serious that is Like Rick Rouse That's why it's fun To say that shit about him now

I know He's not that terrible is he Do you really think he's that I don't think he's the worst No He's not the worst But I like to It's a fun game to play

This is your home now Your home now I just think it's funny To me it's just funny How people Worship him Worship That's really the part that's kind of

If he was just like Oh yeah guys great It would be different But when people are like That's crazy And they go crazy So to be like That guy sucks

And see people go like Fuck you Right People get really I did a post on Instagram Where at the rock hall of fame Where I just put thumbs down In front of a picture of him

Right When I was there and I go This guy sucks Oh my god A lot of heat A lot of blowback on that one Yeah And then Trump

If you write something shitty about Trump I did on Instagram Man It's just amazing Like people really get Fucking fired up about The dumbest guy we've ever had Involved in anything

Yeah I know So Burnt Chrysler Who you saw right there Was talking And actually last week We did

This show And then Like five minutes after We were done Doing an episode We got a notification That our new That our segment

On Not Safe With Nikki Glazer Was gonna air We're like Oh we could have talked about it Right before it aired To stop taping this show Which kind of sucks Yeah

I wish we So Nikki Glazer's got a new show On Comedy Central Called Not Safe With Nikki Glazer Yeah so she covers All these really taboo topics And she approached us As a couple

To do the topic of pegging And you know Why not Why not It was super fun We'll put this on the The website Yeah

But just to give I think we shouldn't play The whole fucking thing No it's on 1000 Ranch.com too Oh it's out there now Yeah Okay so this is Just a little

Act of intercourse Where a woman inserts A strap on dildo Into the anus Of her male partner I like how Burt Thought it was That the name

That pegging is when A guy fucks a guy That's just called fucking Not called pegging Yeah that's just how they fuck Yeah I know This is a straight act This is straight people

Right But fucking Christina and Todd Why pegging I had 12 years I've been threatening him With pegging But clearly you've shown

Interest in Having your Behind stimulated You want a finger I've wanted Yes a finger Have you given the finger No you won't even do that

No but let me tell you She's gonna shove a dildo in me My boyfriend's into stuff Back there He just won't let himself admit it That's awesome One of the common fears About pegging is poop

I am afraid that It's just I'm gonna get showered in shit But that's kind of The price I'm gonna pay To give him a good pegging Another fear is Being seen as

You know gay Is that a fear of yours No I mean if somebody Accuses me of being gay Then I'll just Come all over their face I guess He's been crushing my post

Devastating it for years and years I know he's straight Alright so There's a bunch of I'm gonna fucking lose my mind If the dogs keep barking Yeah Do you want to go take care of them

Yes And also let me call back Instacart they've called Alright Did you beat the shit out of the dogs I wish I did I thought you were gonna Hit everybody

No I just told him To shut the fuck up Oh my god He didn't know what I was saying He didn't speak English Well Feef's English is May's Bitsy not so much

No But who was barking Feef I couldn't tell Because they were done Not barking when I went out there Oh Were they in the backyard No

They're just in the house Just in the house barking at Whatever Nothing They bark at people they know They bark at noises They don't fucking Bark at real things

So stupid Are we recording right now Yeah Oh I wanna Can I Okay What do you think we're doing So much to talk about

The sidebar For those of you Writing in We resolved Bitsy's diarrhea problem Oh I think we should Say thanks for having me I know

But first Can I just talk about this Okay We got her a dog burka It's like a little thing It covers her face I'll show you a picture of it And now she can't eat

What's giving her diarrhea So problem solved It's awesome Yeah Yeah it's great We put her in her burka When she goes out back So she can't eat

Rotten fruit And whatever else it is Yeah We'll show you It looks retarded That's Nikki Glazer Thank you It was super fun

And the instructor Was Remember that Australian lady We had on here that cut the hair Out of her Ears Cut her ear out of her hair Yeah

It's a little of that aesthetic No Isn't she a little You think so I don't know Maybe I'm a bad memory I was a little tired that day Yeah no no no

It wasn't like that Yeah No no But she was like Her name was Ruby Yeah She The main thing

That I really like respected about her She was really great Teaching the pegging class Yeah But she I was like You know How did you get into this

And she was Whatever Just discovered it And then I go How often do you do this She goes I like him young and pretty Yeah

She was like Like a dude talking about his conquest Yeah She's like Yeah basically Fuck guys on the regular It's great Yeah

You know what I thought was interesting About that class Which they didn't air Is we asked like Should we just do Two fingers Or three fingers in your asshole Versus a dildo first

Remember And she goes No you may as well Go for the dildo Cause it's about the same Well What she was saying No it was the

I think it was the opposite It was Hey that looks too big You know How about something the size of a finger And she goes Well then just use a finger Oh

Like if you're gonna If you want something the size of a finger I took a totally different class You know Sounds like it Sounds like yeah If you want something the size of a finger Just use your finger

Right You know Which makes sense Yeah Which by the way Since the class Nothing's changed You still haven't done anything

No fingers No toys Nothing I still got this Totally fucking Just open Kinda hanging out their asshole Waiting for something to come in

Birthday passed It was my birthday Nothing Well I thought you were gonna Get your anus waxed Before I did any I never I never suggested I was gonna do that

No you've been talking About wanting to get That was completely after that That was after that After that conversation You're acting like That was part of No it was totally

Separate from that I was talking about my wiping And then I want a clean asshole again Yeah but what makes you think I want to get in there If it's covered in mud all the time It's not about you It's muddy

It's smelly By the way Your birthday Happy Smurf Day Thanks What was really nice I really appreciated this We were laying in bed

And you lifted your legs You were on your back And you lifted your two legs up Like a baby diaper change And then you farted And you were wearing nothing but boxers You ripped one And then you rolled over

And you go So what's up Am I gonna throw you the D today Or what You gonna sit on this D No I didn't And I go Really you're gonna

After you farted on me I said how about a blowjob Right Do you think that was the appropriate time To ask for something like that Yeah because there was no Fart in there anymore I was gone now

So now You know I'm not gonna fart During a BJ because But why the theatrics I mean if you wanted me to touch your D Why the theatrics of pulling your legs Behind your ears In your boxer shorts

Like you went out of your way To be disgusting I wasn't trying to be disgusting I was trying to You were I was trying to be comical About it Entertaining

I didn't want you to just Hear a boring fart Like I hear those all the time Trying to give you something cool To listen to Can we talk about the fart I had yesterday on the couch Which one

The one that you were like That really smelled bad It's not like poison Because we had umami Yeah It's very rich It's very It's very heavy

I got the truffle burger You know Which makes a bad smell On the way out apparently On the fries I did a heavy bag Workout after we had those Oh my god

You want to throw up No Because it had already settled But it really made the brown come out Really Oh yeah man Was it the umami burger That made the brown

Or the heavy bag It was the fitness Yeah Plus the food But the combination I think of a rich burger And a pretty intense cardio workout You're gonna brown every time

There's just no way around it Did you So which bathroom did you use Did you use a bidet Of course Of course I really prefer the downstairs bidet It's warmer and stronger

I do too Why can't we get warm water upstairs I don't know I don't know It's a cold stream It's not the same It's a fucking fire hose Downstairs too

I know It's so strong My asshole hurts I know I kind of like it And it's like The seat's super warm now I'm telling you I've gone

I've even incorporated A little bit of your action I've got even Gone shit To button You know Yeah, that's what I do Wait a minute

Wait a minute Are you saying that you don't shit And then go straight to washing Sometimes I go Wipe one wipe first Why Just to get some of the general mud out You're crazy

I think you're wasting toilet paper At this point You need to go straight to water To hose Yeah And then it takes it off like paint You know you can see that The power washing

But cold water doesn't work the same Cold water doesn't work the same It's gotta be hot water It's not the same Yeah Hot water is really the key Top talk taught me that A lot of people were really into his phone call last week

That's really funny He's got a big feedback on that It was really good It was It was Ugh Imagine that he Shout on his comforter

Bedspread Bedspread And Got a little squirt on the bedspread You know I listen to that call again Yeah And the part that really gets me is that He wasn't

He didn't intend on washing it Like he wouldn't have If he were living alone That's the part that spoiled If you go old school And I mean episode I couldn't even tell you the episode But it's where my dad

Sharded When we were together Yeah It was the uh Oh In Maine Yeah in Maine and he shat

Five feet too far It was good yesterday I didn't make it I mean I was You know It was just ugly I had to go And

You know I misread the sign in the hotel Yeah And they had to go down the stairs And I I was squeezing the cheeks Going down the stairs Yeah

And Then it went into one of these places You know where You know You're rushed in But it's one of these handicap stalls It's an extra Five feet

Before you get to them Yeah And It was five feet too far Five feet too far That That Whenever episode

Whatever episode that was He Shat And he walked You know I was In the bathroom In the hotel room

We were sharing a hotel room Tommy He done in there And I go I'm taking a shit What are you What are you fucking asking me Like he kept

He goes Yeah I Shit my pants And I was laughing so hard And he told me what happened And then we were going to go out

We're going to go out to a movie Or something And I go What are you doing with those pants And he's like Putting them on I go And he goes

I shit in the underwear Oh my And I go But Isn't there probably some on the pants He goes Just a little bit of shit And I go

You can't fucking wear those It's so gross He wanted to wear them out It's so gross Yeah Yeah There's a lot of I have a lot of just

Shit clips from him And you have Diesel oil In the Already Okay So What they would do

Is that They would burn it They would take Every day Every day And they would Everybody's shit together Yeah

But they had multiple Multiple He's talking about shit And in the shit In Vietnam In the shit They had to burn Yeah

Their shit Yeah It was like a port-of-body Right And then You would You would Burn it

Okay And that's why they call it Being in the shit Right Because it smells like shit Did you guys In the same area Or you just shit

Wherever you want to shit Well You would You're out in the bush You just find What you do Is you dig a hole With your

A trench into it Which is A military term For shovel And remember When you're in The kind of food You're eating

And because You're burning up So many calories The size Of poops We had What a dog does Oh really?

Yeah Well because It's the military food And it's So you eat Once a day Yeah Why do I talk

God Do you hate losing yourself Yeah It's the worst God I'm so stupid Yeah Uh

Yeah It's horrible I got a bunch of those But He Yeah Just a little bit of shit It's in there somewhere

In that episode What an animal He's an animal What a fucking animal I see all these buttons Just say Top dog You're so old

Play on Let's hear Hey buddy Oh that's the intro My sister's song This is an old phone call I don't know what this is about Even

Hello Tommy Yeah Hey buddy How you doing Hey what's up man Ah Just chilling right now

Just chilling Good Okay Uh I haven't talked to you in a little bit Yeah Yeah Things are going good

You know Good Been feeling pretty good You know A little traveling Hit the Orlando airport the other day Uh The infamous Orlando airport

Yeah I was in there Had to catch a flight to Memphis And Had now the turtle And all of a sudden I felt

One coming on I needed to Needed to get in there And take it down Pronto So I go into One of those You know

Terminal air Yeah And every stall is full except The Handicap stall Again Really So I charge in there

You know I really came on strong Sat out Dropped my load immediately And then I looked in And there was only enough toilet paper For one wipe Oh my god

And this wasn't a single wipe dump I'm assuming Well this was the least This is probably a five Five maybe six wiper Okay Is it Would you classify it as like A glider

Or You know a blaster Something like that Or is it just a No it wasn't a blaster But it was In between A slider

And a sloppy job Okay Hey will you turn the TV down In the background Yeah Okay And so Ah yeah

So all of a sudden I look over And normally You know as I've told you before When you're traveling You gotta check I didn't I had no choice to the matter

You didn't do your recon I'm actually Well I couldn't Super curious Right cause I toy forget this call Of how he cleaned this up I don't know how he cleaned this up Whether he took his socks off or what

Do a recon Because I had to go Oh right There were no other stalls available So you know it was either There on the floor Okay so Right

So what I did was All of a sudden I noticed That they have those You know toilet paper covers And people use The toilet seat cover Toilet seat I never use them personally

But Yeah we just sit on the seat Yeah I did Yeah sure Just said Too much trouble to use those things And then you position them wrong You end up hitting them

You know what I mean And then you create a bigger mess So I don't use them But what I found out Is you can take those Tear them in little pieces And use that It's totally painful

Look how proud he is of himself At that And use that He said it like a detective Solving a case Right he's a brown lock A detective I've done that myself

You were at the house With her when she was there But I've done that too Haven't you ever used That as a toilet paper The toilet seat cover I have many occasions Many occasions

Yeah because a lot of times In the ladies room There's no TP And I'm not going to Why is there not In the ladies room No TP Because women have to wipe

Every time they do It's not just number two Right Sometimes you're out a lot That makes sense though You can use that to wipe Hey dad What a genius

Hey buddy how you doing Good how are you Pretty good, pretty good Yeah Yeah What's going on Well just had a My new favorite lunch now

Is this seafood cob salad I don't fucking know I don't see what I have no idea man Is that the club he goes to I don't know where He goes to the same place Every day

And the dual lane McDonald's I remember he was not a fan Of dual lane McDonald's That's old school Yeah But he still loves McDonald's coffee right Oh yeah

Still I miss him Oh my gosh Oh my gosh Yeah There you go So it was your birthday this week It was my Smurf day

By the way thanks for putting it out there To the general public on Twitter Tell Tom how old you think he is Quite a range You never believe this But nobody actually guessed the actual age Everyone guessed Really

Significantly older Interesting Significantly older Significantly older Yeah So I had everything from I think the youngest age I thought I saw was a happy 42nd birthday

And all the way up to I saw a lot of Hey next year is the big 5-0 That's pretty cool Yeah All the way to 58 and 60 Yeah You are a young 60 though

A young 60 Do you want to tell people What your actual age is Or do you want to leave it a mystery I'll tell them Yeah I'm now officially 37 years old I remember that So the ship flies by man

37 years of your life Yeah I mean you can't believe it Like you hear it It doesn't even sound right Do you feel like you're going to die soon Physically yes Yeah

I do feel like I'm going to die Do you really feel like you're falling apart Is that happening for you yet No I mean This Oh my god put them on Okay wait But do this first

Look at the camera normal So that they see what your eyeballs look like Yeah And then put them on now It magnifies your eyes You look like my nana This is what my grandma used to look like My nana

Yeah Big eyes They're kind of cool though I like the frames I like them They just they make your eyes look bigger Well they make the words look bigger too That's why I like them

Because you can see What you can't see When you don't wear them Did you get those at the ride aid Or are those real Get the fuck out of here These were a fortune I know glasses are really expensive

Jesus I know you don't want to You don't want to fuck those up That's a fortune No But my parents just would go to ride aid And buy the ride aid ones I wear them to read now

And look at computer basically Yeah You're so old I know man It sucks so fucking bad Well I had the vision test A year ago And they were like

Nah I mean you could get them But you don't need them And I was like okay Did a you know A year later Went for the follow up test And they were like You absolutely need them now

Because of how poorly I was doing And I fucking didn't bring them When I renewed my driver's license Oh right And they go You know The shit that I've done for years Where she's like

Look up at that chart Like okay And she goes Close one eye Alright Read line four And I go ACDV7 And she goes

Seven Seven And I go Yeah And I took my hand down And it was a T And I was like Oh shit

And she goes Hold on Read the And then she goes Now you just look with both eyes Go look in this thing She made me go to something else Yeah

And I was reading it Like um I don't know if this is gonna Fly right now I You know I I was in like In a little bit of a panic

Like what if I Fail the vision test Without these Of course The fucks up your whole world If you fail your vision What happens to you I don't know

Because I closed one I was reading through A little box You know Like that was backlit And I could see them But then there was one That I couldn't really see

And I go Five S I say a number again I go SSS And she was like Okay you had me worried

For a second I'm like You fucking had me worried For a second Yeah So now I know That I gotta bring these More often

You gotta bring them everywhere At jeans Maybe you have a pair That you just leave in the car I'm gonna get a second pair For driving Yeah Is that for driving too

You need them They said Um I mean like You know I see Fine looking around Whatever But they said

Sometimes I drive long And I don't see so good Yeah Man I'm gonna be 40 in June Holy shit I know I know

It's really crazy Can I tell you something though I'm not as devastated I think turning 30 Was more horrible for me Than the idea of 40 Because I've accepted The fact that I'm an older person

Now I think 30 is when you're like That's it Once you commit You can't quit And then once you grab his tail Someone wraps a rubber band Around his mouth

After that mouth is closed I hate you so much I got you I promise you I promise you I got you Okay You got it That's it

I'm really scared Because I'm afraid that a crock I'm so embarrassed Would you just I got it That's it Once you commit

You can't quit And then once you go You got it That's it I'm really scared Because Look at me I'm a teenager

Look at I'm a baby Oh my god Can you believe how young I was a baby You're gonna probably do later I'll bang you And then I'll jerk off

This video I'm gonna throw up I'm afraid that a crocodile Is gonna jump out of the water And try and bite Oh my god You're so fucking Why are you showing me this

I'm so depressed Can I tell you Can I tell you Is that I still had Under-eye bags At like 12 Can't we not nail Oh jeez

He's big He's not big Is it Hang on Hang on You're shaking No No

Bring him over here Push him in Push him over there No Where What about him What about him You're the worst

I'm so embarrassed There's Shane That's so great Shane was here A couple weeks ago He was You know what guys He's on Twitter too

Why don't you go ahead And hit him up He loves talking about road rules Ask him road rules questions Yeah He likes to Let me give you a He remembers like

Every detail of every challenge I know it's so weird He's like Ask me about this challenge Ask me about this With Shane S-H-A-Y-N-E-M-C-B So Shane McBride

But S-H-A-Y-N-E-M-C-B Hit him up on Twitter guys Loves interactions on Twitter Loves asking Asking all kinds of questions About road rules Yeah Never forget

Thanks for showing that Tom That was really cool of you Well To show my past Like that First of all You look amazing Right

You do I look like a child It's kind of crazy How little You look like a piece of A-S-S Okay thanks Yeah And that's all I could think about

When I saw that clip of you I could only think of this Real quick Yes Have you ever had the taste of Chinese semen? It works That haircut by the way That's

I have actually That I love The haircut That road rules haircut You do Yes What does it taste like? Soy sauce?

Yeah Soy sauce is good Do you like the salty flavoring? I do I love the salty flavoring And understand We'll cook every time you swallow Chinese soy sauce semen Soy sauce semen

There's billions and billions of sea monkeys Floating and swimming in your stomach Ooh soy sauce sea monkeys Would you like some today? I would love some Would you like to compare and contrast White boy semen Ooh yeah

To China man semen Yeah that would be wonderful I'd like nothing better So wait, back to the road rules haircut That haircut I got more emails Yeah, letters about that haircut Back in the day

You love my road rules hair You're always telling me That you want me to get my hair cut I love road rules hair Can I tell you the problem with doing that at 40? What? I just look like a mom A mom cut

You can do that at 20 and you look cool 40 You look like you hate your husband Why not go for a mom cut? Mom's here You're an official mom now I have to wear the culottes Those jorts that the moms wear

Some sandals I got to cut my hair short That low maintenance cut for mom Saves a lot of time It's a time saver Yeah Okay Anyways

Get that John and K plus 8 Oh she hated him That's why she did that That is a don't touch my post haircut for sure Stay the fuck away from my crotch So we went to I took you to get Japanese massage Yeah

Which was a maze And this was I mean this was a High end spa It wasn't just like Oh there's a couple of Japanese people in this strip mall This was like a really high end spa It was a nice birthday treat

So they make you wear like kimono robes and stuff Which was super fun And then there's a It's called a foodle A foodle bath And we walk over It's like a wood bath It's like 150 degrees

It feels awesome And the temperature never drops Yeah it's amazing I don't know how it works Really really crazy Anyway we're at the bathtub And I was like boo they're getting Well we should explain this first

Okay go ahead We settle in It's a whole like welcoming experience Where they sit you down You put on your kimono They massage your feet I fell asleep during it That part was so good

Yeah and you like the level of subservience there I love it A lot of bowing A lot of may I enter sir May I it's just everything okay sir I love it Their heads always lower than yours Absolutely

Yeah you like that People know their place And then we did the massage Which was excellent And then they go You know the bathtub's over there It's in the same room Now you first said you go

Now you have a bath And I thought because it's just a single tub That it was just for me Yeah Because I didn't understand That's what I said So I go You have a bath

And I go okay Yeah and then I go And then the lady comes And she washes you She washes your cock and balls Yeah And the look on your face You were so excited

You were like what No really Like yeah It's your special day Yeah like this is an expensive jack shack Like I'm gonna take it You said The lady's gonna wash your cock and balls

And I go what Yeah And you go yeah You said Yeah and I go Really And you go No

What if that was part of the package She's like Okay Now I wash your cock And your balls I really honestly I never When you said that

Didn't think like Hey this lady's gonna get you off in here Right I thought you meant like This is such an authentic traditional old place This is what they do in the old country That it was like A breathing experience

And I was like No fucking shit Yeah I thought someone was gonna come with a sponge And just clean me off everywhere Right And I was like Wow

And then you go No You gotta wash your own cock and balls Yeah It's kind of neat They let you shower And sit in a bathtub together And they

It's very rare Most places They think you're gonna have sex They don't let men and women be naked Together in the same room Yeah You know what I mean Like I've never been to a spa where they're like

Yes Surely you can handle this responsibility Of being nude Sure Together Well you did your duty before that Come everywhere Oh I did my duty

Yeah Yeah After you farted After I farted You did what You did what you do And then You know

I want wipe like him What? What did you say? You didn't hear that? No Here we go I want wipe like him I want wipe like him

I want wipe like him I want a job Yeah Pretty cool right? Tastes like salami Yeah Definitely salami My favorite is always the dumb girl

Nervous The porno girl laugh That's what it tastes like Salami So damaged Love me daddy This is like kind of like the Cumb gum

Product that we tried to pitch the shark tank Because this girl is comparing all the Different races you know Right I feel like shark tank things Next white boy please Next white boy please Next white boy please You have to laugh after every sentence

When you're in a porno I sent you a ring though Move hot dogs That's a dumb What? Hot dogs Hot dogs Hot dogs

Move hot dogs It's so gross What are you saying? I just sent you an email I forgot to send it to you before There's some songs I want you to hear the songs That this guy made

What did you send it to? Should I say your email or what? No no my email What account? Me.com Okay Anyway When I think about doing like

If that was my job Swallowing cum I don't think of anything worse in life I would rather bathe In the Japanese Every stranger in LA Give them a bath I'd rather sponge bath strangers

Than suck their gene juice You know what I mean? Move hot dogs Chinese Chinese Like Chinese Give Chinese to me Do you want to eat Chinese food?

Oh my god You speak Chinese They're making Yeah they were lacking soy sauce Oh god Yeah they're making soy sauce A barf Done

I'm not done Let's see what else we got Chow mein I think that was like Dumka kai soup or something Wow she know how to say that shit Dumka kai soup or something Mayo and noodles don't mix

He's a white boy You know what's crazy is that She's the worst There's so many loads being drawn I know Your tastes like this It's the worst I think I'm gay

What's he saying? You're retired? No he said He said I got here with all my kids I got here I came with all my kids You know like My kids are in your mouth basically

That is so fucking gross God Why does he have to personalize it like that? I don't know I'm gonna throw up Can we stop listening to this? Yeah it's almost over Freedom

Welcome to America That was definitely Definitely Frijoles and tortillas all the way On crema That was so nasty dude That's the worst job in the world I would rather dig ditches

And pick up garbage in the streets For the rest of my life Than do what that woman did in that one clip Seriously Seriously Dig ditches? I'd rather pick up garbage All day every day

By the freeway Really? Yup Than do that one scene What Don't you agree? Is there anything worse than that? I mean no

If you're asking me I would definitely dig those ditches too For the rest of my days Yeah yeah Every day 90 years old Dig ditches and I'm happy about it Happy as shit

So I don't have to blow these eight guys Yeah And compare their nuts Yeah So what are these songs? Just play them You're gonna love it These are submitted by fans?

Yes Faggot Play the next one They're not songs No no I lied you're right The next one That's a song

I see what you're doing I know what you're doing I know what you're doing Wait the next one's definitely a song God damn it No it's just play it There's one thing I know in this world It's dicks and cocks and balls

What are you doing? Blue band help me get you Now play the next one The next one's a song for real It's a song Alright Do not mind being in something Where the word nigger is used to

No I will generally drop the n-bomb That is not right Get in the nigger story Yeah I'm quoting a movie babe A real nigger So I'm using the phrase

Nigger's real nigger And then I see smingers Like smingers That song? No play the next one too You wanna keep playing this game? No no Just play the next one

Blue band I'm the president of the dicks society I know I'm the president of the dicks society I know Bag it Wow you're so You're so full of hate

I had no idea Babe You're so hateful So you finally got sick of being the one That gets caught all the time huh Yeah Gotcha You're such a shit turd

Yeah You brought up road rules There's one thing I know in this world Dicks and cocks and balls First of all Blue band Brought up road rules on his own Sure

He did Sure He just brought that look Yeah but he submits all the potential clips And then you choose What to play Well I mean it was a good choice You're the worst

Is that it? Is there one more sound? No that's it Speaking of fuckboys You know we've been getting These horseshit emails about How fuckboy isn't About gay things

Yeah You guys come on Grow up everybody knows it is First of all Let's look at the urban dictionary I'm gonna look it up for you right now Okay Listen

Urban dictionary Fuckboy A person who is a weak ass pussy That ain't about shit Yeah Look at this Weak ass fuckboy Sounds pretty clear to me

Sounds pretty clear to me too Yeah Some people are like No it means player No No It means a person who is a weak ass pussy That ain't about shit

Look at that weak ass fuckboy See That's the urban dictionary That's true I didn't make that shit up Yeah yeah Anyway You know

Hot debate Solved Absolutely I also wanna point out to Interesting that road rules clip man I'm 80 years old now I wanna point out to our fans Fans of the show

That I do now have my DJ equipment I'm gonna be hooking it up In the garage I kept it out of the nursery So we definitely found that compromise But I should be Spending pretty soon

I was in Vegas this week And I gotta tell you this I found out I did a private on Thursday Yeah At Encore That sounds like When you're like

I did a private It sounds like you're saying I'm a dick and ball expert I am a dick and ball expert I did I did a private There's one thing I know in this world It's dicks and cocks and balls

I'm the president of the dicks society I know Yeah And that's what they hire you for You're a private Yeah my private So private event It was corporate event

Those are always dicey You never know how it's gonna go But it ended up being It was with a bunch of Rich Rich as fuck Texan oiled people Who met on LinkedIn

We all met on LinkedIn And they hired me to do a stand-up show They were A lot of them were Emperor Yeah For the show But I gotta say

They still They treated me right I had a good time I gotta give a shout out to Half Jap Ricky I'm sorry What? Who?

Half Jap Ricky And Kurt So both of them Jesus Kind of organized everything And Yeah we You know

We did the show Full charge came with me There was There was a lot of memorable moments It kind of felt like A high end bar show You know Like it was like

Yeah Pretty rough Yeah dudes were like Yelling shit A guy I thought almost died Literally almost died In the audience He had to be dead now

Maybe Because there were a couple guys That were passed out In the In the seats You saw Ha Just completely out

And one dude I was like Hey maybe check his pulse Because he was old And he was like Leaning forward like that Kind of made He made some gesture

And then later I go That guy really looks dead now And They Someone tapped him And he caught his breath But it was like

It went from being funny Scary You know Because he went Like that And I was like You alright And when I said are you alright

He went thumbs down Oh my god And I go And then the security came over To try to escort him out And he wouldn't leave So in the end He

After the show He still had help Leaving the room And then they go Oh he ate shit And broke his nose On the way to his room What

He fell and broke his nose Was he 37 years old No He was 137 years old He was really old What So he was just hammered Well no

He was old hammered And they said I know he had They said he had sleep apnea Oh boy And you could see When he caught his breath Like that's what happens to people

Like they catch their breath Yeah Yeah So I go That's really dangerous That that guy's going to sleep Right now in his room Oh yeah

But I'd like to know If he's dead So I can add it to my bio That's a good point Could you If you were a hacky comic You could be like I killed

Show Literally Or if you're not hacky Confirmed kill Confirmed kill would be a great name For a fucking special Right And then you could be in sniper gear

On the cover On the box cover Yeah But at the end of your gun Is a microphone Oh I like that But then do you have the caution tape Over your mouth too

Like Well you have caution tape As where they put black stripes Under your eyes Caution caution Yeah And what's your comedy shirt Are you wearing a comedy shirt

I'm wearing the flame shirt With flames Flames Definitely DJ dad mouth flames A couple comics I saw had those Back in the day

Of course Where I would be like Of course What's up And that was their shirt That's their comedy shirt Some people have comedy shirts Yeah

And then you learn All shirts are comedy shirts You don't really need to wear A comedy shirt You just wear any shirt Speaking of Comedy shirts and attire Some really neat comments

On my Instagram Regarding my art teacher jacket Yeah You called the art jacket Let me pull up some great ones From our listeners So funny dude I absolutely love

When people Hey Hitler This is on Instagram There's so much Hitler On my Instagram Hey Hitler I disagree with Tom And most of these comments

Not an art teacher jacket Classy, well dressed High and tight Fashionista Sorry for big words But you know You know you mean All the real mommies

Know this butthole Is on fleek Your art skills Are high and tight mom Know I'm saying Can you grade my work Mrs. P? Is that my mom Or an art teacher?

Macaulay Culkin told me In prayer That we should start treating Your coat like it was famous We also got a comment From your friend Who is an art teacher Who said she was

Deeply offended Deeply offended She's like Guys Cool I love this one Were we supposed to read The chapter on Rembrandt

Or on Neoclassicism this weekend That was funny So thank you guys For chiming in on that Everyone agreed It's absolutely an art teacher jacket Yeah I guess

I'm still going to wear it I don't give a shit To class Or are you going to wear it To do shows Whatever To teach our youth To teach our youth

Poly by You really did get this stuff I know you have your table set up You have everything ready to go I'm ready to go man I just got to hook some things up Now I actually got a computer I don't have any room left

On this computer So I got a computer To spin Stuff like that Oh this is what I'm going to tell you This will make you shit Your fucking pants Yeah

So I'm hanging out the Encore I'm talking to To the entertainment director And Encore Beach Club is Basically all the Vegas is just

Designed to make money And you make it In a lot of different ways Obviously there's gambling And there's dining Right But for the day time And for

The in shape crowd The whole thing is to go there The in shape crowd Yeah People That's so funny and so true People that are fucking young and hot They go to Vegas

And they go to The kind of the beach party Rehab Yes I love rehab What that is It's 140 degrees outside They stand outside

There's mist Sprays Oh my god And then there's a DJ Spinning And they bring in The top Top people

Right They would get a Calvin Harris I don't know I don't even know these people's DJ to Emma I go to those guys What kind of money do those DJs make

And they were like dude They have I won't give out Because I don't want to But they have Two prices How do they have two prices Well they have the

The premixed set Where they press play Yeah Or the live set Where they'll play Or the live set Yeah And he goes

The premixed set Is all I can say is this It's well Well into six figures Crazy And it's for a two hour set And that's press play He shows up

He sets up his shit Or she There's a lot of lady Right Yeah Press play And then they stand there And they just go

Yep Yep That's all you have to do If you want to pay even more That's crazy You get them doing it To actually do the job That they're supposed to be doing

Right And they get paid How much more to actually do the job Even more into six figures And stand up comedy by the way Yeah Is so fucking hard Yeah

It takes a decade to get decent at And we don't get paid nearly as much On a live show I actually was so far God Uninformed with like What these guys play I was like wait a minute

So what do they play though As I was asking Because I honestly didn't know The DJs that I know Are hip hop DJs right So I know who they are And the kind of music that's played But I go what kind of music is played

By one of these guys And he goes oh it's music you know So it's like Rihanna or you know Fucking Taylor Swift But then it's his remix of that So they're actually playing songs you know Just a remix And for that

They're commanding that kind of money It's absurd So it's not even like their own Music Song It's just yeah They're playing someone else's shit So that would be like you going to a comedy club

Doing like I'm doing Carlins tonight guys And you do someone else's jokes But you do like your wacky impression of them Or you record yourself doing someone else's jokes And just push play in front of an audience And they're like half a million Give it to them How is that even acceptable to do a pre-recorded set

I don't understand That's fucking crazy So I read this article My friend Eric sent me About these girls Who for an art project decided to become fake DJs So this girl never DJed in her life But she took like a cursory lesson

So she knew how to do it And basically she paired up with her cute friend These two cute girls Because that's like the cool thing to do Two women are better than one And they would use songs that everybody knew So she's like basically that audience That loves this DJing stuff

Is a commodified audience or whatever They only like shit that they know Like they don't give a fuck about actual music It's just like is this familiar Yay And she's like we put together the hackiest set list And within three weeks All the other DJs hated them by the way

In the DJ community They were like what the fuck is this Like it's so formulaic Like it's too hot chicks Spending shit that everybody knows And they're like exactly That's why this culture sucks so bad And within three weeks they had major gigs

They were like one of the most popular Whatever DJ acts at the time Yeah I'll send you the link to this article Well what's her tits started DJing Paris Hilton I know And Ibiza And she was you know

The worst human being She was probably getting six figures to do that Easy But she gets money to just show up at your party Or to show up at a bar and be like I'm here guys Like is there anything worse in culture Fucking the worst

God That is the worst Here's an email from a fan What's up Tom and Christina Little baby jeans too Here is the dubstep drop My two sons and I made with GarageBand the other day Hope you like the track

And want to get us signed to your label Before Kane or Dre gets to us Kids are three and six And my old ass is forty fucking one No dad mouth though I brush twice a day With my Sonic hair toothbrush And floss at least once every two days That's about everything for now

First time caller, long time listener Love the show and love you like My favorite pair of jeans Let's see what he made First time, long time For us Long time, first time I'm afraid now

I like this 100,000 dollars man Good job dad enough Yeah so this guy made this with his two small children And it sounds identical to the horseshit That passes for hundreds of thousands of dollars Pretty much man I like that was good

I liked it too Yeah Wow Dude you're gonna make a killing as a DJ That would be so funny if you ended up Making just millions as a DJ Hilarious X comedian

And you stopped at a company People are like No but if you heard Tom's the girl the DJ Even better That dude's coming He's whack as fuck That dude's spin And you get a Netflix special spinning

That would be great It's so boring to watch Turning knobs and shit Yeah it's also a very European thing though Dude My tribe They love that shit Oh yeah

I remember there was this German girl Who I worked with When I had a day job And she was like Why nobody here likes house music Like house is the best Nobody likes to go dance

And I was like I don't know whack job But you're in the fucking U.S. of A now Get her done We listen to Bruce Springsteen here It's the boss all day of your day You wanna do what you do All day

You fucking do it But we don't do that dancing shit here Okay Oh my fucking cut Oh shit my cut My cut my cut That's her Somebody worked at one of those perfect timing

Yeah yeah My cut my cut my cut By the way Thanks for all the emails Letting me know that LinkedIn is actually helpful A lot of that A lot of LinkedIn I get it

I know it's a professional website guys Yeah they were like LinkedIn actually is helpful People have found jobs on LinkedIn Made money on LinkedIn Of course you know You know if you're a fucking dog trainer LinkedIn is helpful

Then it's good Helps you out I'm a fucking dog trainer Yeah it's good But why are people asking two comedians to join LinkedIn Like my dad keeps sending us these requests I'm like do you really Tom and I don't have a profession

Just like there's nothing to offer a LinkedIn Yeah Shit jokes It's not gonna be good Am I talking about wiping on LinkedIn Yeah it's not for It's not for you motherfucker This ain't for you man

This is too advanced Advanced Okay Kai Um Farts Speaking of your pops Have you

Seen this yet Hey I love the show My strange addiction We are in In the burk My name's Kyle I love dating grandmas

I met this lady on a line named Karen I saw her pictures I thought she was absolutely gorgeous I saw her pictures And I am so looking forward to meeting her tonight Did he say pictures? I saw her pictures Pictures

It's like photography Yeah photography And I love looking at pictures I love looking at pictures of old ladies What's up picture What do you think his deal is What's the deal with old Nana's Oh he's

His fucking grandma jerked him off And he was a little baby And he's trying to get back in there I think you're right Yeah Something weird happened with Nana Of course Gross

Of course Of course Lips are really red Younger Oh Look at her mouth She's got that mom mouth It's a little bit nerve wracking

Because It's not much younger than I am I've got butterflies in my tummy Looks like you got butterflies in your tummy And you've got rodents in your mouth Those are rotten By the way who talks I got butterflies in my tummy

That's a fake one That's a cap And then She shouldn't See because I have the same thing This fake This one's fake You got to match them

You can't just do one front tooth Y'all It's real brown Hey and that's something you can fix You can just bond that shit Like this This is tough to fix This is what I'm going to look like

With those eye bags Yeah Well we're going to fucking How do you fix that Can you get your eye bags removed For sure Go under the knife We live in fucking life

Yeah of course I'm going to do that later Yeah Can I tell you what She doesn't look that bad If she fix her teeth No I don't think she looks bad at all But I think her mouth is horrendous

Horrendous What does it smell like It smells like fucking farts man It smells terrible I've got butterflies in my tummy I've got butterflies in my Count right now In my diaper

That hasn't happened in so long Oh no Such a gent Thank you very much So Karen showed up for dinner tonight Oh my god She looks sexy as hell Long flapping pair

I thought wow I'm sorry It's so great to finally meet you I know You look great How long do you look She's crazy In your pictures

Looking at all your pictures And they're real pretty I have anything aside She's crazier than cat shit Of course she is You can tell already This chick's nuts Her fucking gear is so crazy man

Super wack You really do Oh that's so sweet of you to say that I clicked on you Why did you respond Like how do we end up here I look at like All of these celebrity women

That are going out with younger men And I thought well You know maybe I should try it Good for you You seem to be intelligent Good for her Although I'm not going to say That I necessarily decided

To come out with you Because of your mind Like wise Ew It's fun to be able to Feel like this again You know just Oh

Aw Aw Thinking ooh I wonder what's going to happen next But it will be brand new What's going to happen next Is your oral decay Is going to lead to heart issues

Ever it is So you've done a lot of traveling Hold on Pause for a second Where did this fool take her Where like mozzarella sticks Were on the menu Are they at Denny's

I don't know it's disgusting Take her to somewhere nice dude God Fuck Olive Garden Take a nap Looks so tired Babe

Can I Be good for her That she's Pulling some young tail Yeah no I hate on that Yeah It's just it's

It's crazy She looks crazy And we are more conditioned to seeing Old fucking piece of shit Thank you Yes Wretched ugly Dad mouse

With hot young things Hounds Basset hounds These guys were like They look so horrendous Yes With beautiful young women And you're like

What Yeah because of you know Scratch Of course But she's in it She's getting it just because Good for her Because his dick gets hard with them

Yes There's someone for everyone That's the lesson to the story He kind of has weird teeth too His lips are a little red For my liking on the man Yeah Would you go with like

Someone like me Because I'm old enough To be your mother definitely Maybe old enough To be your grandma Oh Did you see the two Oh

Wait a minute Oh Oh Oh No Oh no What's wrong Oh

You gotta go get that fixed You gotta make that Ah LinkedIn is helpful And you gotta You gotta start a fucking Go fund me Go fund me

Jesus The black decay is not cool And that's any age That's not just It's unacceptable Yeah Fix your damn teeth You don't

You skip clothes Yes You skip meals And you skip paying your bills And you just get your teeth Fucking fixed Yes That's what you do

When your shit looks like that Yeah God damn it That is so upsetting It's horrendous Especially because Okay She doesn't need to get those

Like white She doesn't need to get the Steve Harvey's She just needs to fix the decay On that tooth And I'd say white And just white And look at the shader too Yeah

Yeah God can someone just do this Work for her for free She looks like Beetlejuice Like Michael Keaton All right Yeah He did have those teeth

Yeah I got to keep up if you want Yeah Wait a little bit Yeah Totally Yeah Come over here buddy

Totally Beetlejuice mouth Totally God damn it Ending Well you're pretty good To take home though Oh well thank you She's not

Totally ugly She went back to Kyle's place Yeah it was food time Let's dance She goes Get on all fours I'm going to have a little dessert From the backside

How do you think I got this Tooth all brown Her brown tooth Yeah You want a dance Yes Oh dolly Thank you

The date with Karen was incredible She was 100% my type Yeah Oh god I'm going to throw up Oh that tooth smells I had a wonderful time with Kyle And I've had such an amazing time I just don't want it to end

Cheat Oh god I'm going to throw up That penis is pointing inward right now That was so upsetting Really it's only the tooth I don't care about the other stuff I know It's like dude just fucking get your life

With your teeth Get your Man I'm telling you I had to replace My two front teeth every ten years And we were broke as a joke But we'd put money To get mom a teeth We had debt from it

Yeah Because it's that important That is how important it is I would say there's a lot of things Where it's not worth the debt People want to do things Buy things But

Things on your face Your face bro Your face is worth debt Your face Go into debt for your mouth Your mouth Your mouth Yeah

Your mouth It's so important It's so important How does she smile You know when I got my veneers done This time around The guy who did them Was this amazing craftsman

And he said that People don't smile for years When they have jacked up teeth Of course Could you imagine not smiling Because you're ashamed of your teeth Clearly she's not But other people

You know and your muscles And your lips and everything Change over time Yeah He said that it takes a while To get used to smiling When you get new teeth That makes sense

It made me almost cry hearing that Like That people don't smile Because of their teeth Yeah no I agree It sucks it sucks I feel like that woman And this guy

Would be actually a great match I'm going to show you And tell me if you Yeah Cairo Seijiro Wasn't looking for trouble On the light rail that night But trouble certainly found him And when that fight broke out

He was ready for it With his trusty katana The fight had been going on For about 20 minutes Shit It was two on one None of them saw Cairo Seijiro move around behind them

To them They probably thought I was just moving out of the way But I was actually setting up To where their blind spot was The sad truth is that They weren't even What

This dude pulled out a sword Cairo Seijiro Challenge This is about what you saw On the train It's folded, tempered And it does its job Hell yeah dude

That's what's up It says the three men On the train are lucky They ran I already had a full A full five stage plan Ready to take care A five state look

I love this guy Look at the brim of the hat That's what's up He's out of his fucking mind This guy is completely crazy Remember those guys In New York City in the 80s The angels

What were they called And they would They would fight crime On fucking subways And shit What were they called Not the blue angels I don't know

Come on man Blue angels are pilots I know I gotta look it up It's killing me There's a group of nerds In the 80s And they would be on subways

And they'd see stuff happen And they would fight crime That's what this guy does I love his shit This guy though There's a lot of Fucking basement time In this guy

Of course He's a nerd Okay let's let him talk I know He went out And anybody else who got involved Just in case That's just the way

I do things There's a little pole Standing between him and there And there's him Him him Hey you If he had gone on me I was planning to go in

Completely Drop the sword down And then completely Cut it Completely get him open My family couldn't handle me I had a Surprisingly strange

My family couldn't handle me Of course He's crazy Sharp objects Particularly kitchen knives When I was a kid So he traded in the knives For a lifetime

Of studying the sword The katana Goes with him everywhere I actually carry this Because I've become A little bit more dangerous Than without it Than with it

So it's more of a restraint Mechanism than a safety blanket I love this guy Do you understand what he just said At the end? He's more dangerous Without it Without it

So it's a restraint Yeah It's keeping him From being as dangerous As he truly is In his mind But let's be honest It's all in his mind

Of course in his mind It's mine He's a superhero, dude I love it Yeah He's a I love this He's so

But couldn't you see him dating That older lady? Yes That's the kind of guy That makes sense with He's like a nice do-gooder Crime fighter Yeah

Please remind me Guys, what is the thing That I'm thinking of? It's not the blue angels What are you looking for? It's killing me What? What?

In the 80s These group of nerds And they would wear uniforms To police New York City Okay The red The blue angels Something like that

Fuck Do you know what I'm talking about? Blue man, you're too young The guardian angels Guardian angels Yes Guardian angels That guy needs to be a guardian angel

I think he is Yeah I mean, he already is I love him He's a sword-wielding guardian angel He just watches too many Japanimation shows Yeah

And then he thinks he's Like a Japanimation character Yeah, he really does think he is Yeah Yeah Vigilante I love me some vigilanteism Wait

Do you think those They didn't play the footage Of the black guys freaking out though No, not really You're like, Mom, what the fuck are you doing? Can you know how black people freak out? Sorry?

How do they do it? This motherfucker got a sword Okay, Mr. Sword He got a sword They don't do that? I don't think it would be So composed Yeah

I think that people would Oh, shit That's probably That's probably more accurate Tom or black Oh, shit Yeah, yeah, I think that Oh, this motherfucker got a sword

How do you do it? How did you do it? Oh, this motherfucker got a sword I don't think it would be like that I don't think so How would they do it? How would those black guys Say some shit if they saw

A white kid with a sword? I think oh, shit is exactly What would happen Yeah I think they would be fighting They'd be like, Shit, motherfucker got a sword Like that, and then just run out

Yeah Now see, okay Oh, shit This motherfucker got a sword There you go That sounds like No, that's people watching a clip Of him pull out the sword

Right Not people on the train You're right, you're right That's a spectator, not the actual Yeah, yeah Oh, shit You shit your pants If you're in a fight

And then a guy goes Who's that fucking sword? Yeah Oh, man Especially that guy Because even in his recap To the news people He was like

And I was gonna go like this And then slice him open Like that dude was ready To kill people on the train Hey, A number one Good for... I love it Yeah

I mean, look, I've fucking Seen people fighting And shit in public school There's nothing scarier Than a dog pile Of people just punching each other Good Yeah

Good What a fuck was the sword guy When I was getting my ass kicked In junior high That's what I wanted to know Good Good We need more guys like him

Vigilantes, good Guardian angels Like taxi driver Good Here's a Tremendous boxer, Amir Khan Who actually He was recently

I think I could pull this up Is it Shagakan's cousin? Man, that was good Goddamn Just for me Just for me That's so stupid

That was really That was rough Here's, um What's up, y'all? It's Crazy Nose Layer With the homie Amir Khan You know what I'm saying? For reals

Here's Amir Khan Um And Crazy Lokes Why the fuck Oh, really? Okay Oh, shit This motherfucker got a sword

Here's Amir Khan Recently Right here With Crazy Lokes Shut up Yeah So Crazy Lokes at his gym And Amir Khan

He knows everybody Tremendous boxer With the homie Amir Khan You know what I'm saying? For reals, though We all Look how I'm so excited

So Amir thinks everything is cool And then You can see He slowly looks at Crazy Lokes Like He's pushing God bless everybody He knows boxing and fitness

Stay strong, Amir Khan We gon' keep on winning We gon' keep on pushing God bless everybody at this gym Coach Tony Coach Steven And everybody And Amir Khan

He's playing Okay, alright Okay, crazy Alright Okay, pal So Here's Amir Okay, push it

This is gonna be an older fight But this is him In the ring It looks like Maybe right after a fight Had ended Okay, push it Your waist

But goodness me How hard did you have to work To earn that? Oh, yeah You know what I mean? Very hard This is a professional game It's not gonna be easy

First major title It's my 13th fight And to do it You know what I mean? It's wicked Really the great fighter You know what I mean? You can't take no credit

Away from him Because he's a great, great fighter You know what I mean? Yeah, I enjoyed it I mean, I loved it in there You know what I mean? No matter if it were 12 runs I was loving it every minute

So interesting to hear You know what I mean With that accent, right? Well, I wasn't expecting that accent To come out of that face Oh, yeah That's the last accent I would have expected

What did you expect from Amir Khan? Just like American Oh, really? It's just like Shaka Khan's Cause I mean, we're getting all that anxious Time going They're not gonna remember

But I do remember Look, it's a 12 run fight You went to the brink, though You went to the brink On stage, it looks like You're gonna lose that fight Never, never, you know what I mean? Not even when you were down?

No, you know what I mean? That's boxing for you I mean, one change It could have changed the fight But it didn't, you know what I mean? That's surely got a good chin And I could come back from it You know what I mean?

I knew what was going on You know what I mean? When I did get up This might be a record setting You know what I mean? Find as far as they go And that is just In this cross-genre

I mean, you've got A white guy who Is a boxer And he's saying, you know what I mean? He's not a white guy What are you talking about? Well, what is he, Tom? That guy looks like a white guy to you

I don't know Are you serious right now? I didn't want to guess Because then a million songs will be made And clips will be isolated Well, I mean What part of Amir Khan's Look says white guy?

I don't know I mean, what is he then, Tom? Any guess? He is a Pakistani descent Oh, he is? Yeah So he, yeah But he's obviously British raised, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah What don't you do the master of accents? Aren't you the... Is he British? Yeah, he's born in... Which region do you hear though? I hear Manchester Manchester

Manchester Manchester Manchester Manchester Manchester Birmingham Manchester Manchester

Manchester You know what I mean? You know what I mean? You know what I mean? See, I did it perfectly Yeah, it's perfect You know what I mean? You know what I mean?

You know what I mean? Manchester Manchester Manchester You know what I mean? He would put his pressure on me, but I just had to comport myself and just pick the right shots Pick the right shots

I like it For the video, you would pick out a lot of mistakes when you instant me What do you feel? Didn't go right for you out there Oh, yeah I think the timing just wasn't there You know what I mean?

No, the timing just wasn't there You know what I mean? I'm just wanting to commit myself too much You know what I mean? So, I am going to just job then Working myself You know what I mean ? Working myself, you know what I mean?

Playing as a mash You know what I mean? You know what I mean? Do your ... Do your ... You know what I mean? You know what I mean? Yeah, I mean

You know what I mean? You know what I mean? You know what I mean? Yeah, I mean Yeah, I mean You know what I mean? You know what I mean? You know what I mean?

That's so good That's amazing That's so good I think, because in your world, they're all different Yeah He might have ... Amir has risen to the top As far as you know what I mean You know what I mean?

He's the king of you know what I mean? Yeah This guy set the bar super high Super high It's going to really take a strong opponent The same way it does in the ring To dethrone Amir Khan from the you know what I mean Title

This white guy, Amir Khan I'm sorry, and he's Pakistani Which is unique I don't think we've ever had a Pakistani You know what I mean? Of course he's number one He's number one through ten on you know what I mean? For Pakistani people

We've never had that Yeah, absolutely It's generally you know, same Yeah Not a lot of variety Oh yeah, yeah, yeah You know what I mean? You know what I mean?

You know what I mean? You know what I mean? You know what I mean? Okay We're going to roll out Anything you want to do? You good? Good

Straight Is that song that I played at the beginning? The one you had loaded for the... That's totally different Okay, push in Training Oh, but it's in the drops No, I know, but then this morning

I found a different one Oh So it's in an email? Mm-hmm Okay Seeing the crazy looks Kate push in From the singing

The singing To the rapping To the training Yes, that's it Kate push in Better that way Training That's a better song

Rapping Okay Kate push in Anything else, Jeans? No, I love you Happy Smurf Day I'm glad that you lived 37 years Yeah

You don't look a day over 47 I hope you live At least five more What? No, I hope you live a long time Our child is crying I know, he's probably getting ready You got to get out of the crate

You can't just leave him in there for this whole show All right, we got to run All right Thanks for listening to the show We love you I'll see you in Spokompton Spoke, sperm can

Sperm can All right, bye, mommy Bye, Jeans Hello Hey, buddy Just laying and watching an afternoon TV show I had a squirter in bed and got on the bedspread

I thought I was partying and it kind of came black to you now so I got it on the bedspread and I had to watch the bedspread I missed body, you know pleasant tons of missed body Now just a miscalculation on my part Hey, buddy

Hey, buddy Hey, buddy Hey, buddy Hey, buddy Hey, buddy