Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 341-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: April 27, 2016

Don't mess with Lincolnton, man! That's what Uncle Joey says. A lot of you say LinkedIn, but you know, La Craw, La Croix, feel me?  When you listen to our show remember to RESPEK our name. Otherwise we'll be FINISHED and DONE with you.  The mommy's really do their thang in this one and even talk to Tommy's Mommy about his new, important revelation. He's not only Poly and Bi...listen to find out what ELSE he, er, they is now.  JEANS FOREVER.

Sing唱 Sing-唱 Fuck with my minds But she gotta have a career And this shit She gotta send her flowers on a Tuesday Nowadays I be like Oh, I'm a bad my there

And if I make crazy ass videos She don't care about nothing But her fucking nuts So whatever, come on little guy up there just gon' get you some self-respecting dignity in real life

No accident Think you're dakin' a wrong hole Think you're dakin' a wrong hole I'm not me Think you're dakin' a wrong hole Think you're dakin' a wrong hole I'm not me Think you're dakin' a wrong hole

I'm not me Think you're dakin' a wrong hole I'm not me Think you're dakin' a wrong hole I'm not me I'm not me Bitches outta here suckin' Fuck

Bitches outta here suckin' Bitches outta here suckin' Bitches outta here suckin' I can't stand when somebody comment under one of my video Is she high? No, motherfucker I am blessed

You know what I mean? Wow So good Yeah So good Uh... What you sayin'? I'm gonna turn my shit up

You gotta turn your shit up? Uh-uh-uh Is that you? Sorry Here we go You good? You wanna fuck with my man? You wanna fuck with my man?

She's Vietnamese, right? I don't know Sounds Vietnamese Oh yeah? Looks like there's a new master of accents, everybody I'm the master of Asian accents Cause I dated a Chinese guy Remember that, Tom?

Yeah, I remember that Best year's of my life This is submitted by Soul45 I like it Thanks, Soul45 Try to be better about Naming the submission people It's tough to stay on top of

Yup So Next week, well first of all Huge thank you to everybody that came out To the shows in Sperm Camp They were really fun Thank you guys very much I'm going to Saxonville, Florida

That's okay It's not very good Saxon Jackson Dix? There you go, that's better I'm going to Jackson Dix, Florida That's much better The Comedy Zone

In Jacksonville, Jackson Dix Next week 5th, 6th and 7th of May And then Sewer Juice, New York May 20th and 21st It's only four shows The very next week actually Christinza is in La Jala

Yeah You're in La Jala Man Diego Man Diego Doing the comedy, the store Comedy start And then In June

I'm in Pervine, California That's good That's good Or Urine Urine, yeah At the Improv there The Irvine Spectrum Mall That's the 9th, 10th and 11th

And then Nashville, Smashville Good Yeah, Crash Good Cacheville Rashville Gashville

Gash, oh even better Gashville, Tennessee June 16th, 17th and 18th Wait a minute, that's my birthday, June 18th Yeah Which number is it this year? Kim Lair's birthday Which birthday is it?

40 I don't look at the people What? You look great, you look amazing And then I'm going to West Ballsack, New York Wait, I don't know what the real place West Nyak Oh, Nyak, yeah, West Ballsack now

West Ner... Nutsack West Nutsack Yeah You need to keep the N sound Yeah, you gotta keep the N there Yeah, it's really important That's June 23rd through 25th

I've never been to that club Really fun, really big club Beautiful club They really did a great job of the Improv They're gonna like it Let's start getting some tickets They're gonna like the way you look So, yeah

That's that, man So we plugged mine at the comedy store May 27th and La Jolla Also Come see me, I'm at the comedy store here in Hollywood Most Saturdays at the 7.30pm show Come see me

Lineups for Killer I just did the show this last Saturday Mark Maron was there Judd Apatow, little indie filmmaker Yeah Dane Cook was doing spots The store is on fire right now Go to it

There you go That's what's up Oh, locally I will be at the Improv This week on Friday What night are you doing? Friday night? Late

Late show, I think Late show, Friday So if you're around Come see your boy Finger your butthole Just finger it good Finger your butthole So, yeah

Thank you guys All my shows, TomSugar.com Get your tickets Get your life Are you all set then, Jean? I'm ready to party I'm ready to party Also, of course, we want to

Knowledge our producer Acknowledge Oh, I thought you said knowledge Our producer Like rappers say Blue Band is here Yo, Jew, motherfucker, yo Oh, look at you

You got your own drop Yeah Maybe we'll show his face one day Who knows Maybe, whatever Yo, Jew, motherfucker, yo So It's a lot, it's intense, babe

It's an intense drop You okay with that Blue Band? Blue Band, of course he loves it Bam Goodness One thing, too, guys If you've done it before Thank you for using our Amazon banner

But if you're shopping on Amazon I please, please beg you Use your mom's house podcast.com's portal Go to the banner At the bottom of our homepage Click on it And do your shopping as normally would It's a huge help for us

It actually, you know It helps us be able to do a lot of things We do on the show It helps contribute to the fact That we have a full-time producer Producer, director Direct as a choreographer Singer

But all that, yeah It definitely helps Thank you, guys You ready, Jeans? Yeah, we got so much to go over It's kind of ridiculous Actually didn't even bookmark Any of these as the opening clip

I don't know, should we go for the... Oh, yeah, that's pretty amazing Okay Okay, here we go Let me see if I can I totally agree Just his voice makes me laugh I know, he's the best, man

He's the best, man Who's funny out of Joey Diaz? I don't know, you know it Because you space-parted it You gotta double-click it to open it God damn it Oh, this is good for the show It's like watching an 80-year-old

I hear at LinkedIn It's helpful, how do I log in? There he is again So what do I do? Command F He's the best Okay, here we go You're this guy

Let's get the show started I tell you every day I'm gonna tell you who harasses me That I can press charges on LinkedIn LinkedIn harasses me every fucking day The social network It's a bunch of bums that aren't working

So stop hitting me up on LinkedIn I'm not even opening up that account I don't fuck with LinkedIn I don't have a fucking profession You're a fucking moron I ain't no fucking professional LinkedIn This shit is big time

Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving for this No moment of fucking stand Welcome Welcome to your mom's house With Don Segura Christina Pajitzic Christina Pajitzic

Welcome to your mom's house LinkedIn You said it wrong 14 times LinkedIn God Dammit That is so fucking funny

LinkedIn is helpful He LinkedIn LinkedIn LinkedIn I don't fuck with LinkedIn I'm not You know what I've heard

That Joey and I overlap We don't like text messages either Oh my god He told me one time I'm gonna break your fingers If you send me another text If you send me another text I think he told Duncan

I'll stab you I swear I'm gonna stab you in the throat If you send me more text LinkedIn LinkedIn That didn't he say He couldn't say quinoa Quinau

He said it to me on a flight We got on a flight He's like first class Bullshit meal Give you fucking quinau What? Now Joey came on our show Back when your mom's house

We were filming in our house In Silver Lake Yeah Old school Old school This is before I really knew him I just met the guy And he was telling a story

About taking a shit on a tree In his backyard You remember that? Of his own house Yeah He said a few things on that episode Oh yeah We can make songs out of it

I tell you every day I'm gonna tell you who harasses me That I can press charges on them LinkedIn LinkedIn LinkedIn harasses me Every fuck LinkedIn

I can press charges again The social network It's a bunch of bums that aren't working So stop hitting me up on LinkedIn I'm not even opening up that account Oh man I don't fuck with LinkedIn I'm having a fuck with that shit

Professionals You're a fucking moron You ain't no fucking professional A bunch of bums That's the best man Uncle Joey That is just too much I laughed

I almost had a fucking anger When I saw that the other day I love that none of them correct me No You don't correct Joey Diaz The best part is Joey asked me to do his podcast When I was pregnant

Yeah And I was like I don't want to inhale all that second hand Weed Smoke I couldn't tell him why But I was like I don't think I should do your show

Oh really? Because I don't want to contact him Right I was pregnant And it's kind of inevitable When you're working with Joey Coco Diaz Yeah No you're going to get high

Of course You're going to get high You're just sitting in the room You shake his hand Oh my god And you were all preggers Yeah So you kind of knew the answer

Yeah To LinkedIn No Where's the cum So where the cum is Where's the cum It's all up inside you God

So you got cum in those balls Yeah Wow you're fired up today Yeah Gray whiskers I'm so I know I got so many gray whiskers Yeah and in your hair too this morning

I noticed you got a lot more Some cum in my hair Salt and cum in there Yeah A lot of cum in your hair Oh my god Yeah Hey so do you like my jacket

I do like your jacket today It's funny because when I bought this jacket Yeah You were like You look like MacGyver It's you know what's interesting is that Now that I go back This is the third jacket

That you've mocked me for Well no One jacket you put on I go I hate that jacket You hated it Yeah I remember that jacket Right

I hated that jacket Yeah I know thank you And I threw it away promptly Because I don't want you to have to hate What I'm wearing Right but I also You told me that You really appreciated

Me saying how I felt about it Right Because you said that I always am like Yeah cool And here's the thing though This MacGyver jacket Yeah Actually I think looks really good on

I really think it's cool On the video I like it It covers up my fatness and everything And it's a nice color Babe I like the jacket Okay But you didn't before

You told me never to wear this You're like I never said don't You look stupid You're making You did You're so fucking crazy What are you talking about

I didn't say don't wear that You look stupid Not like that But you wore like You were like You just went And it looks like MacGyver And then I just stopped wearing it

For like a year I don't remember that at all I don't remember that at all Well it happened Okay I mean your version of Shit I think it happens in your head And you see it

What are you talking about You talk to it Just because you don't remember it I'm crazy Well I remember a fucking conversation We had the other day That you just completely spun around Which conversation

Yeah Okay which conversation I'll tell you which conversation This fucking conversation right here Alright Is there I'm gonna start this shit All three of y'all

Stop playing with my name Let's go on there Let's go Stop playing with my fucking name Let's go Let's do it on camera Stop playing with my name Let's go

Let's go right on there Let's go Oh Oh Nigga when my name Come up Respect it Let's go

Stop playing with my fucking name All three of y'all Stop playing with my name I ain't gonna say it No moat So That was intense And when I told you about that

Clip Alright Is there I'm gonna start this shit And I'm here What's happening I'm all good But I'm saying

Why come here I'm just What's happening man I want to see you So This is For people listening Obviously we haven't done a good job

Of Introducing what they're listening to And by the way If you're just listening to the show You're really missing out Because we're on YouTube now Full Episodes

And you can see The clips that you're hearing Talk about A huge improvement in your life Yeah So Subscribe to us on YouTube Okay

Slash Your mom's house podcast Right YouTube.com Oh yeah Yep Subscribe Because we also have

Behind the scenes stuff Y'all Y'all finish Or y'all done Yeah Go ahead No that was it Just subscribe

Y'all finish Y'all done Y'all finish Y'all done Ready I'm gonna start this shit Wait Wait

I got a good idea Since we're kind of Not really having So tell everybody What they're listening to So this is the Birdman No I saw this on Instagram

Because I think Marlon Wayans Had posted it And I just saw some guy Getting all pissed And I saw it And I like Filed it away And then you brought it up

And I was like Who? Because I didn't know That guy's name was Birdman And then you're like Birdman I'm like Oh

I don't know who that is And then I later put the two things Together in my head But you're accusing me of lying And you're calling me crazy We had a phone call Over the weekend Yeah

I was in sperm can And I'm talking to you Yeah And I explained to you In detail About this And then when we sat down here And you go

Do you have the Birdman clip And I go Yeah of course And you go Yeah Like I told you about that And I was like

What are you talking about I didn't say I told you Did I say I told you about that I did Oh I was joking Okay I knew I didn't break The news to you

I just That's what I said That's what I meant Rather I was familiar with The Birdman's work Okay Put some respect on my name

But He's He's practically crying Dude He's Why is he so mad at them So let's Go over for what's going on

So Birdman For those of you that don't know He is A hip hop mogul Like One of the OGs from the 90s

He started Cash Money Records He had that Whole wave of guys Manny Fresh was his producer Juvenile Louisey Louane That whole crew

They sold millions and millions of records Yeah He has a net worth Well over a hundred million dollars Jeez And you know He's just like the rest of the moguls In hip hop

He has a fashion line He has a liquor line He's You know Very savvy He's a writer, producer Yes Very savvy

Business guy But in recent years For some of his Record contracts The fact that he has Louane tied up And won't let him out of a deal So people have kind of

Really shit on him for that Especially within hip hop And so What's happening is that This guy right here Charlemagne The God He had talked about

Birdman's Business practices With a couple other Guests who were hip hop artists Like Daddy And Rick Ross I like Rick Ross the boss He was on Chelsea lately

When I was there And you stole his hat I stole that Well Birdman comes in And he has all this in his head Like You guys have been talking shit When you had Rick Ross

When you had Trick Daddy So he comes in right away And he's like You need to put some fucking respect On my name I saw that And then This whole thing

This was supposed to be An interview obviously Lasts You know Like less than two minutes Oh so he didn't stick around And they didn't This is the whole thing

We already gave you A little bit of it So here's how it starts He said that Before they were rolling And then this guy's like Well let's roll Let's go

Let's go Special guest in the building He done cursed us out Tell him Get it off your chair Birdman He is the God I thought you were joking

I don't understand the angle Like what Stand it already So why come in I did it already I'm here So what's happening I mean it's all good

But I'm saying Why I'm here I'm here What's happening man I wanted to see you I wanted to talk to you And your man And your face

Absolutely You understand me I knew a few places You was at I could have pulled up But I don't think That was gangster I wanted to come look

In your face Like a man And tell you how I feel Okay You understand me Straight up like a man So what's the issue There ain't no issue

If it was an issue You'll feel me I just come Let y'all know Stop Put some respect on my name You understand me Put some respect on it

Did you Respect Yeah R-E-S-P-E-C K K Put some respect on my name Pull up on Ross

That way Man I'm pulling up on you Nigga Oh shit I'm the radio guy Why pull up on the radio guy Don't act tough with the radio guy I need my nigga

Y'all are we all finished Or y'all done I ain't got no more talking Damn He just got up like that He just got up like that Uh-huh He had like

Seven deep too And we had those nice chains You should get those chains Look at me Look at me Nigga Y'all are we all finished Or y'all done

I ain't got no more talking Why did you come in That's quite a question though right What Y'all finished or y'all done You'll finish Or y'all done Or y'all done

That's nonsense Yeah He's giving them The same option Sure Right are you finished Or Are you all done

The neater way There's a no win Yeah Yeah I'd say Don't piss the guy off That has tattoos on his head You ready You ready or you want to go

He's got a lot of tattoos Yeah would you piss that guy off Teardrops, stars Yeah He's got a fucking Oil field tattooed On the other side of his head Really

With oil coming out of him Oh boy Yeah Now my question is though If you're just going to come in And be angry Why go in at all I think for him

That was him making his point His point was I am going to show up Like he misled them and said Yeah I want to do an interview And talk And then What he really wanted to do

Was show up and go Put some respect on my name Put some respect on Like don't talk shit about me Sure You know Wow Yeah

That's a crazy move dude Yeah Or you could just say I don't want to do your show But that's not I mean Then they don't really understand How serious you are

Yeah I think on some level A lot of people made a lot of jokes About this Like we've been making jokes About it too But on some level In that studio

Feel how serious Yeah He is I felt it Yeah I got scared for a minute there I was like oh shit I'm sure they're much more scared

In the actual I don't know if it's in this Pre-roll In the before They Um Geez When he comes in here

And he's like Stop fucking Doing this shit You can see the girl Who's part of the show And she Her eyes dart around Like what

Well yeah Cause he's bringing in all his dudes Like you don't know what's gonna Happen Oh yeah She knows that this is No good You can tell

Look she's been in some fights Morning everybody She's Yeah she's like She's been around some shit She's working the station long enough Yeah She's seen some fights

Ah Where the fuck is that God damn it This thing fucking sucks I'm gonna press pause mommy No Y'all ready? Yes sir

I won't start this shit all straight Telling it all real Alright What the fuck Sit there nigga Big words in the studio They're all right He's like

Nah Well Grand opening grand closing Alright well there you have it Come on we good We good Man what about all my notes We good

Aw You know what's funny though Is like all the black people I follow On Instagram they're all lighting up this guy Yeah of course Like Tamar posted some funny shit Like some remix Everybody did yeah

They're all clowning on him Yeah I mean I guess he's just had He had his feelings hurt huh Yeah But he can't go in there and be like Guys my feelings are hurt No

No you can't Well he kinda said that I'm telling you how I'm feeling right now You know Yeah Put some respect on my name He said he's gonna Put some respect on my name

His voice quivered my night He also took off And then put back on his Sunglass is like four times He's really upset Yeah yeah yeah It reminds me of POP All day

Alright we can hear her voice She's about to cry Yeah he's about to cry Damn Put some respect on my name Oh my name You can hear the quiver in the voice there Yeah

Poor guy Well he really got fired up huh He really did man Wow He really did Damn Poor guy Poor bird man

Yeah I don't like to know I don't like to know his feelings are hurt Like that I wanna give him a hug I bet um I bet Lil Wayne had a good laugh about that Oh is Lil Wayne like on his label or whatever

Yeah remember I just told y'all about that I forget all the names you rattled off I mean Y'all finished or y'all done Y'all finished Is it are you sure it's or are you all done Yeah Y'all finished or is it

Y'all finished y'all done Y'all finished y'all done Y'all finished or y'all done Yeah or yeah he says or Yeah Put some respect on my name Put some respect on my name Yeah

All the day Respect Respect Yeah It's awesome That is a good one I'm so glad I brought that to your attention Go ahead

I missed you you were in sperm canal I was How was it good It was really great I had um thankfully my buddy Uh the full charge with me and we had really fun shows The crowds were excellent Amazing

It's a brand new club you know it's only been open six weeks No shit Oh I didn't know that It's the same family that owns the Tacoma Comedy Club To come on you To come on you also own Sperm Can Cause they have like the whole cum lock down there Well

In Washington Oh yeah But they they killed yeah they killed it They did a great job with the code Good Did you eat anything good Mmm yeah I went to churchills first night What's that chicken

It's a steakhouse Oh Like Winston Churchill Yeah I've heard of that guy Not church's chicken That's what I heard That's what I heard Yeah

I heard churches Dude It's all chicken Put some respect on my neck Churchills Churchills So yeah I went there and then yeah we had a couple other you know I DJed a little bit I don't know if you saw my Instagram

But uh I hit up I hit up a A club And you know what I'm saying They were shut down already But they were like We heard about your dad mouth If you wanted to spin

And I was like Yeah I'll give you a little flavor And then what But you told me about this And then you were like But what happened with it What do you mean You're like

I showed up at what time did you start DJing It was after they closed So like two Yeah And then you were like How many songs did you do Not that many Because

I hit I hit the weed Because you're like I'm tired But that's because I hit the weed though And then DJ dad mouth had to go sleep Well I had already had a drink Or two

And then somebody was like Hey it's Washington Smoke this And it was literally I was with Matt And I go dude And then he does And then I was like

Woof I gotta go back And he's like I'm with you Woof woof It got that woof woof Yeah it was It was pretty quick

Real Once you have the drinks in you Yeah Oh you can't mix Nah man We both were like It's time to go I don't even think we said

Bye to the people that brought us there We were like We're out We just kind of I can't even be high in public For that reason I can't talk to people When I'm silent

You know what's so funny I did AJ Hawks podcast The football player Yeah And he was talking about How some wives get resentful When their husbands are on the road Having fun

And I was like Oh yeah I hate his guts You were like He wrote the book on that Yeah I'm glad he didn't tell me You were getting high

And drinking I really hate your guts A lot more Thanks Now I hate you Right but it's different When I'm home with the kids Trying to sleep train the baby

And they're like Yeah Yeah It's cool But I don't tell you that While it's going on So you don't Yeah smart

That's a smart move on your part Yeah Definitely Sorry I'll get you back Later Okay What is this right here Does Luke Wilson teach tennis?

I'd like to learn You keep mentioning Luke Wilson Oh yeah I just like him Hey Do you want to tell them What happened before I left Last week when we took that

Romantic shower together Oh my god So Tommy and I We've been together a million years And there was one house I lived in My first shower Was great It was like a fire

A fire hose dumping And it was a big shower And you and I used to shower Together in the morning It's very romantic This is the beginning Before work we had day jobs We would get up

Sure 2005 jeans and jeans Showering together every morning It was really sweet I would put a shampoo on your head And you would suds my back And we'd make kissy faces And then go to work

Yeah Now the next two houses We always had small showers So the showers were out Yeah Until now Yeah And we've got this wonderful shower

And with two heads on it or whatever And it's really It's a miracle It's a miracle And so we know We get the Hey, let's go take a shower together It's been a good few years

Since we've done that And it starts off okay And then all of a sudden Little things Like you're lathering your head But extra hard And then now the suds Are like hitting my eyes

You like it freezing cold I like it warm Like a person You don't like it warm You like burn Third degree burns hot Yeah It's so hot

Yeah, that's a shower It's killing the bacteria And stuff And then my So I'm like okay But I'll let that slide I don't say anything to you And then you spread your ass cheeks

You spread them And you're not doing this as a joke Spreading your asshole open And then the water is hitting your asshole And I'm right next to you Like really bro You're gonna do that Alright

Well to clean it out Right Yeah You don't think you could be a little more Discreet or cognizant But then I took the bar of soap And I put it in there And then you go

What are you doing Yeah So cleaning my asshole Yeah but you're not supposed to take the bar And mash it against the dirty part Yeah you are No that's what savages do I've always done that

Yeah because you're a bear You're not a person No that's how you do it That's how you do it But then you contaminate No You contaminate the bar That's what it was like

Sniff that one baby Oh And then I made notes Because I didn't want to forget And then you farted in the shower too That's what that was for yeah Yeah because you spread your asshole And then you farted

And then my favorite Unbelievable This is it gets wilder Horking Yeah Horking Look he's next to me in the shower I'm trying to cuddle with you

Kiss your face Kiss your beard I kissed you Yeah You pee on me all the time In the shower You piss on me In the shower

Yeah and all that I can even tolerate Until you blew snot Oh yeah That was the deal breaker for me You were And then the snot came out all over your beard And it gets stuck in your beard

And I almost vomited in the shower That's when I was like Alright I'm done I gotta go I almost threw up I'm like it's like showering with a hobo Like a vagrant who's never been in an indoor shower before Oh man

You were like it's a homeless person Yeah Like you've never been in a shower before That's how I shower I forgot the horrors You gotta clean all the pipes out you know You gotta get rid of everything All of it apparently you farted

You spread your asshole You horked loggies You peed on you You snotting You pissed on me I didn't jerk off That's the one boundary left in our marriage maybe Yeah we still haven't had that

I haven't walked in on you jerking I've been waiting for that to happen for years I'm at the point now where I'm kind of Excited about it So sometimes now like Cause I used to be like really like Ooh be real careful Yeah

But now I'm like Just let it happen You know Let it happen Well I just expect it now I'm like come on she's gonna walk in there What would you do Finish

You would just look at me Would you make eye contact Probably Maintain it Or would you just Get out of here And then finish I think I would just be like

Watch watch watch watch watch Watch watch watch Yeah It's been a long time Since what That we've been you know together That hasn't happened yet It's kind of crazy

Especially considering I do it pretty often you know Yeah when When When the baby's crying And here's the other thing Does that turn you on We have a shower

There's no bathroom door There's one of those bedrooms where It just goes in Open bathroom Yeah I know I have to catch you in there Well I've done it in the shower A few times so

When I've been home Yes Oh gross Gross It's probably when I've been with the Kid though right Yeah I hope you're smart enough To do it when I'm with the baby

As opposed to where When When I'm walking free And maybe I'd come in and Well why would I have to Worry about that You're my wife Yeah but I don't want to

Watch you jerking out I don't want to catch you And have that horrible awkward Moment I didn't know that What what what Why would I want to Catch you masturbating

It's not part of my life I don't want to know it I don't want to need to know I would think a lot of people Would want to see that Nobody wants to see you Masturbate Really?

You look like a homeless person Do you know you keep saying that Do you blow your nose too As I jerk off Fart and hork and everything As I jerk off Yeah Of course

I have to get myself worked up I'm going to throw up You're a real Oh my gosh Did I tell you about the wife I talked about this on the show But I'll talk about it again What

The wife that walked in on The husband Jerking off onto his shit Yes God Do you have to take it there Yeah Can you believe that one

Yes God I want some wine Oh man That's what I'm afraid of Where's the cum Like I need to fucking know that Okay listen Can I read this email

Yeah Subject Double pipe classic question Very important Very important Okay Hi mommies I was taking my regular dump

This morning When I let out the usual Pre-brown fart You're right I burped at the same time I was absolutely shocked And couldn't believe what happened It was a very exciting moment

However Does this count as an authentic Pure double pipe classic Or would it be considered A double pipe classic With special circumstances I will point out That I was sitting down

On the toilet But the double pipe classic Happened at least 30 seconds Before any brown Exited my anus It's a really good question How do you feel about it You know

I think putting Circumstances Around the double pipe classic Isn't fair Because look They're like Haley's Comet They come around So rarely

It doesn't really matter How one has a double pipe Or just that one Has a double pipe I think even during a murder It's still a double pipe classic You know A murder

Yeah Like if you were to be thrown Out of a building And as you hit the ground You fart and burp You could take that to the grave Credit You get credit for that

I think so too So I don't believe In this special circumstance Either I would say Sir You Had your double pipes

Had your double pipe classic And it's It's something to be celebrated I would tell people I would make Facebook posts I would yeah Yeah I would share that

That's really cool Who invented that term Is that a top dog term? Oh it's generations old Right Is that in the Bible? I think it's the Old Testament It might be

It might be in the Bible It's certainly in like Shakespearean stuff Yeah Oh definitely Yeah Dothaph made a Double pipe

Double pipe classic I think it's in Romeo and Juliet Actually Yeah She kind of Gets after him For having one or something Like she's on the balcony

I remember that She's like Juliet And then he Barts and burps And she's like Romeo a double pipe classic Yeah

That's right And that's what gets her And then they get married See and then You're sitting here Giving me a hard time about it But You know

It's actually It's a loving thing True love You know your sister Just got married And I was looking through Those wedding photos this morning And I was like

Wow look at What a happy time Just that wedding Yeah Flash forward Nine, eight years Yeah Taking a shower with your husband

Blowing snot rockets And spreading his asshole In the shower It's pretty cool It is pretty cool I agree It's pretty A little wedding's a little misleading

No Are you saying You want me to dial it back No There's nothing I can do The train's already left the station You know The train's already left the station

Which is the one You want me to cut out though Oh Moe The snot rockets Snot rocket In the shower I don't even mind getting pissed on it anymore Like I just expect it now

I'm like What's that warm Oh it's Tom Pinging on me The ass spreading Even that I can tolerate I think the hork The horking

And the snot rocketing I can't I can't The horking the loogie Is the It makes me want to vomit Oh speaking of that This guy

Big fan Let's see if I can Big fan Yeah He's a big fan of the show He's a big fan of what you were just saying Yeah Was it her or the other woman

That was offensive They both were They both were It was What's wrong They had a smell Or They just smelled

That was that That's like this Trying to come up What a smell What a smell So this guy's trying to describe The smell Of a woman somewhere

And he He keeps just gagging He has a A dry heaving Yeah I don't like it Yeah I know But he was just

Describing it so I can't I can't Body odor I can't I can't Listen to dryness Drink subs or

No Shut up I can't The wife loves it Was it a farm smell Or were they looking at a farm No He really

Oh man That's so good She's really tickled by that She is Let's see if we got this set up Here he is Doing it I can't watch dry heaving

Multiple times There was no I don't like that I don't like this I don't like it Babe You can't watch it No I hate barfing

You know that I hate it Oh my god Babe Well all right I'll take it down Babe You're the worst

I got something else for you You'll like this No Come on I'm back I'm back Play Dennis Rodman I'm back

Watch this bullshit Our favorite family We are the Braxton's And you'll see Is that our favorite family Yes That's my favorite family That's exactly right

We have a clip of them Tony Tama Tracy to Wanda To see We'll teach you a thing On to the Braxton family Belle you

We are the Braxton's And you'll see We are the like and ordinary families Tracy to Wanda Tama To see We'll teach you a thing On to the Braxton family

Belle you So Here they are Well I'll just have them I miss the Braxton's We have so much Oh I've seen this episode I like it

This video This lady was having Orgasmic Twitch Twitch Nick For three hours Who wants to do that? She didn't

It's involuntary It doesn't stop For several hours Even the woman She was like I don't want to do this no more She grabbed her bag And she couldn't

I love her so much I don't want There's a twitch There ain't no twitch You got something taking over your body No it's not that That is So if a man has

An erection longer than he's supposed to Suppose an erection goes What? No baby that's that blue pill If you have an orgasm for three hours Don't know Thinglings supposed to make you feel that good And if it do

Keep it away from me I'm good I love her baby She had that weird Yeah that weird affectation Yeah That's Trina right? Yeah yeah Trina has that weird one

Oh and the host She has that pronunciation that The reason that it's So fucking bizarre The hoosh The hoosh Is that she grew up with them Yeah she's the only one that talks like that

They'll talk more and more Weirdest part of it Trina is who Picks up that affect I don't know It really is the only weird part I mean if If they all did that Oh this flea flea has been here

Where's the fee he'll kill it Fee feels so good at killing flies I know but he's Get a blue man Oh shit it's about to go down Oh close This is when Tamar was a little bit more Normal

They were having their vagina steamed I remember in this episode Their vaginas are steamed Yeah they're getting their vagas steamed Right now What's wrong with you That sounds weird Yeah that sounds stupid

But anyway I think they just did it for the show Like not real Alright like a lot of things Yeah like we're gonna get Spray tan They gotta end up giving those people Something to do you know

Yeah they can't just sit around and talk They have to sit around and talk And get their vagina steamed Silly Would you want to have a Three hour orgasmic twitch No Oh god

Uneratural Funeral Yeah You just keep coming all over him All over your dad All over your dad's dead body Gosh He doesn't come though every time right

Well it's not stuff coming out But he's feeling like he's coming Right but could you imagine I didn't even think of that If he just filled his pants all the time too Then he'd have like his pants wheel wet That's right babe Can't pick up the kids at the

School or nothing you know You said that like you just figured that out I did I didn't put that together before Yeah Like his shorts would be all wet Yeah you don't want to have It's nasty

Three and four hour Nasty Directions either you know You don't want that Viagra might be helpful Yeah It'd be bad Yeah

Very bad Isn't that what Viagra does though Yeah it's exactly what it does Makes you dick hard for three hours Yeah Silly Can I Speaking of dick hard

I got a random text message Viagra might be helpful Yeah You know this is the The new phone number Not even new anymore Maybe a year And I keep getting

Random text And random voicemails I just got this one On Saturday 10.35 p.m. And all it says is Sticks on deck The fuck does that mean

Sticks on deck Sounds like I'm ready to fuck That's what I thought Like maybe it's a sexting Thing You're getting sexted Sticks on deck Maybe it's a

Sticks on deck bitch Maybe it's one of your Comedy club contacts Yeah Yeah sure And then I I texted my millennial friend And she said it sounds like

Hold on Sounds like Do you go sounds like It sounds like No no no She goes Never heard that one Look at the sticks

Like blunt wraps Maybe the blunt Oh yeah Maybe the blunt are on deck Wow your millennial is Very savvy I know This is my one contact

With the young people Sticks on deck It could be Sticks on deck Blunts are ready to roll Sticks on A marijuana cigar If you will

Yeah yeah Sure Well not only did you get Sticks on deck Yeah You also got After a long hiatus New Persian voicemail

Yeah that's neat right The same lady Same lady and it's weird Because it's been going on For months and months and I have a theory on this I understand Yeah okay

This lady Like people that are not From the millennial generation Yeah That are from the generation Even before us She Perhaps

Is dialing from memory So she is dialing Every time She's not doing a saved number I'm calling my friend And dials And it's like a digit off Every time

Or okay that's one Excellent theory Brown lock Or She's got like Maybe that the old number Saved in her phone And there's two numbers

For one person You ever have that A new one and an old one There could be Yep that's another option Yeah The reason that I Thought that she was

Dialing from memory Is that there are There's clearly There's probably some Interaction in between These things Because She doesn't go like

You never call me back Which means that they probably Speak At some point And maybe she's dialing Correctly sometimes Incorrectly Incorrectly other times

Well because she clearly Hasn't figured out that This number doesn't get a Response Right So you're right The interaction kind of Comes and goes

Which leads me to believe It could be an Alternate phone number Like with my dad I have his old number And is new Yeah But then you

Well here's what came In this weekend first Shit Can you call me please That's really fast Yeah, Matt To talk to you

00:45:49,200 --> 00:45:50,200 She likes To throw She throws she Thows We're Coming I don't know What she's

Because Okay, so talk to somebody And then you think that's it And then she calls you again Again Come on Rob, why didn't you take the notice for the talent? Hello, Rob

Come back, please Rob So wait, it's Salome I thought it's Salome Yeah And now this person's Rob This woman's just dialing She's dialing

And leaving messages for everybody No discretion No discretion No discretion to her dialing Yeah Yeah You have to get your dialing together, lady Yeah, anyway

I'm still getting those nice voicemails Yeah Please This time she said please Please Rob, come on Come on Come back, please

Yeah I still get nursing gigs for Shanaaz Shanaaz This is Brent calling from the nursing I wish Shanaaz would know You know, because she's like Shanaaz is missing out on all kinds of business opportunities Babe

Babe What are you doing today? Babe, no I don't want it He doesn't vomit But I don't like the dry heave That's why I don't like horking I don't like it

Okay, okay, I'm closing it Man You're just torturing me It's fun to torture you You're my wife So Really sad news Is that

We lost another icon God damn it The day after Last week's episode aired On my flight Up to sperm can I get a message Prince died

Oh my God It's devastating, dudes We thought it was because I dropped charge to the game My new football podcast And then he listened to it and dropped dead Yes, because he didn't like football But that's not what happened That's not what happened

No First Whitney Then Michael Now Prince That's the Holy Trinity I know, Madonna's the only one left She's the Holy Spirit Of the childhood stars

I can't Cindy Loper I would say is another great He's 57 He was 57 Genius level Genius We're gonna get the autopsy reports back

Are they sending him to you? Well, yeah The guy, the coroner there said Tom, I'll try to get to you first That's like in another week or so I mean, I'll probably get it tomorrow Before everybody else I mean, I'm curious to see what killed him

He's too young to die What the fuck? Well, they're saying it's that pneumonia And then someone brought up a point That he's a Jehovah's Witness And maybe he refused medical treatment Well, he had an emergency plane Landing the week before

He was flying back from a gig They landed his plane in Illinois It was only like I think it's Illinois Right It was only about 30 minutes or so From Minneapolis But they deemed it that important

Landed, took him to a local hospital They wanted him to stay in the hospital And he... They didn't secure a private room for him Oh And he was like, nope That's Prince! You should secure a private hospital

For Prince He took off Of course The next day there was a dance party At Paisley Park, his compound Oh, wow Outside of Minneapolis And supposedly everything was fine

And then obviously this is... Then there was footage of him Riding his bike around his neighborhood And stopping into a record store So all that they said was fine It does lead, you know A lot of the medical people to think that You don't realize how many people die

Of the flu and pneumonia every year It's thousands But he's only... That's for old people No, it's not always Old and young are more common to die with it But the point being that If your body is weak

So he's already been hospitalized Should have said your immune system Is a little bit weaker You're already sick And you get that And you're not taking care of it You know Your lungs fill up with fluid

And you die I thought he had maybe HIV Or something and nobody knew Who knows? We'll find out He's so talented He wrote songs for so many people too Which is the crazy part

You don't even know That guy was responsible for I just remember Purple Rain came out I bought the album When I was a little girl Really? Seven or eight years old

I had it on I had a 33 of when Doves cry And on the back was 17 days It was another song And I didn't know what that I didn't know what masturbation was I learned about it from Darling Nicky I learned about sex

Through Purple Rain That was like One of the The seminal, if you will Albums of my childhood And Appalonia seeing her tits I remember she jumped in the lake Lake Titicaca or whatever

Remember seeing Appalonia's tits For the first time? Sure, man You were like, whoa There's tits in a movie? I think Prince was As interesting He was kind of like

As a kid I was like What is this guy? Because he was so He was so different But so singular So unique You know, I would watch See Prince

And I was like This dude is unlike Any dude that I've seen or known Because he had that Kind of non-binary Non-binary Quality to him Right

You know, he kind of Morphed between the two genders Well, he was a femme A femme man A femme Heterosexual Right, like David Bowie I think David Bowie may have been bisexual

There was rumors that he was sleeping with There was an era that he was But yeah, he was a femme guy And he was He loved it And he was short You know what's so interesting about Prince Is that

He was tiny Any more of those little heels Is that Prince What was magic about him Is that he believed he was sexy Right He really believed that he was When you look at him objectively

Look at a picture A photograph of Prince And you'd be like This guy's fucking five feet tall He's a shrimp Right And he's tiny Just shows you that you can

And but he exuded this presence Of like a sex god And everybody took him to be that way Which is amazing Let's go crazy Oh, come on That's a jam That's a jam

1999 Yeah, jam That's a fucking jam Party jam Purple Rain is, I think, a perfect album Sure I still listen to it The

But I mean, also, you know, even Even the earlier stuff I was saying a little later on You know, you get to some of the Songs that were just Amazing to listen to as well And, you know, in honor of him We have a little bit of it

Because we were big fans, you know Good morning, everyone How are you today? It's me again, Shane Lee Tom and Christina From your mom's House podcast Not a good angle

Camera work I want me to teach you How to sing diamonds and pearls I love diamonds and pearls Everyone loves this song Yeah, it's so good I liked this earlier stuff, too Paisley Park and

Yeah Is this pause? No, no, no, that's just the intro To the Oh You know the song Paisley Park is in Girl on the season

That's a good song Yeah, dude, he's got So many hits A killer library It's crazy A library, yeah A library, yeah You diamond and pearl

Such a good song Yeah Yeah Yeah Okay You diamond and pearl Okay, so we're just doing a little sample Well, you know, we get the

They might flag it for being a duplicate copy On YouTube Right, so many are coming The audio matches up perfectly with the original And then You want to flag it It takes it down So we just gave you a little sample

Yeah You gave you diamonds and pearls It's not diamonds and pearls Yeah Special boy or a girl I mean, Shane exuded everything that I think Prince did in this Even aesthetically similar

Very similar guys It's a tribute It's really a tribute Obviously Shane You know, he wasn't doing his best there He makes that clear And a lot of his clubs He's like, I'm not doing my best

You know what's interesting to point out As I go through these pages here I'm looking for I have more of Shane Which I know you want to hear Everybody is on baited breath Waiting for more Shane Shane episodes

That we featured him back to back A while ago Yeah, let me see I sort of had some technical problems With my computer I'm getting quite good Perfectly Perfectly

Well, that'll get flagged for sure You gave you diamonds and pearls Would be a pearl or a girl You gave you Yeah You gave you You gave you diamonds You gave me

You gave me diamonds Yeah All I can do is stop by you By you Oh, you get it Yep, there you go But I really, I loved Prince as a little girl I thought he was just amazed

He still is, was What a bummer When we dedicated Entire segments to Shane This is just trivia Your mom's house trivia This will go on the Wikipedia page When we dedicated 20 minutes to him

On an episode, I don't know A year ago, the following week Our listenership went down by Over 30% Easily And it took a while to regain that Yeah, it did People were like, nope

People were aggressively upset With the emails we got Stop playing this guy, he's the worst Yeah We don't want to overdo it with Shane Lee That's the A little bit half-formed A little bit half-formed

A little bit half-formed A little bit half-formed That's what Feep sounded like When he had a chemical Yeah, exactly what he sounded like It's gone, so rest in peace Prince Oh, it's such a bummer

Yeah And then these shit-sucked artists Are still alive You know, why not just in Bieber Take him, God Instead, you're taking the good ones Yeah And there really isn't a climate

To nurture artists as weird as Prince now If you look at it, it's gone Look at people like Patti Smith Like these weird androgynous people Prince Even Bowie, right? These gender non-binary people If you will

It's gone, gone is this time Well, you know, I A lot of people don't know this But I'm Polly And I'm bi And I'm also non-binary I'm proud to have come out as polyamorous And now I'm excited to share that I'm bisexual

I'm non-binary, too The non-binary, for those of you Don't know what the term means I'm surprised if you don't I mean, who isn't non-binary these days? President Obama went to London And was taking questions from the audience And a Pakistani person

Came out as non-binary To President Obama And that was on Twitter And we were like, what's non-binary? Yeah It means neither gender, correct? Yeah, it means you're... You don't identify fully with

Yeah Male or female I'm totally non-binary Yeah, you feel like that, too? Totally I'm like, I'm demi Demi-gendered You know

Yeah Interesting Yeah Interesting I don't know I don't know There's so much to... There's so many different genders

There are a lot I'm gonna see what my dad thinks If we can get him on the phone I don't know if I'll answer That's the best part about this stuff Is asking our dads what they think About these gender... New gender norms

I hope he answers So it was really great I'm telling him the first time Hello Mom Tony You were calling in the other line? Of course

Well, I was trying to call the dad And I said, that's fine I don't recognize it That's not your phone, no? Yeah Yeah, it's calling from my other phone I have a few phones here I thought two, one, three

And I said, this has to be a salesman Somebody's trying to name both for Hillary No Hey, I wanted to tell you something I'm really excited about I'm Polly and I'm bi And I'm non-binary You're what?

I'm Polly and I'm bi And I'm non-binary This is what I understand I'm Polly and I'm bi And I'm non-binary So if I put it together I'm polyamorous I'm bisexual

And I'm non-binary You're bi-sexual? Yeah, but I'm also Why don't you become transgender? Why don't you become transgender? So you complete the whole picture now No, but I'm non-binary As Christina, she doesn't mind

You're non-binary I'm non-binary You're non-binary You're just bi-sexual No, no, I don't identify As either male or female I'm just... I don't identify as either gender

But you cannot go to the bathroom Be sure to go party before you go out You're totally screwed You're not either one Unless, unless... Unless we get Trump Unless we get Trump? Yeah, Trump, there's a chance

He's going to respect your... That you're nothing Are you a Trump fan? I am I'm not nobody I mean, this is awful This isn't bi-osin Yeah

I absolutely... The idea That I'm going to watch Hillary talking Is the most Fake politician I have ever seen Hi, there's mine And it's a typical Politician

They're telling you everything You want to hear the way you want to I don't see authenticity at all I'm driving insane So that's... Trump is a not-crazy boy That doesn't have the clue How to run the country

I would love to see A resident Kasek Yeah, yeah He's the only guy that for me Is completely knowledgeable And if he doesn't have charisma He's not a leader Yeah

Who do you like? Honestly, do you want Hillary? I want... I'd rather have just Another non-binary person Leading the country, you know Why don't you run? Well, that's the thing

That's the other announcement I wanted to tell you That I'm probably going to run for president Mom, it's not a joke I take it totally serious If you drunk and win, why can't you? Oh, oh, Christina You don't really have the support

Of all of us Christina wanted to tell you Wanted me to... Well, she's here But she wanted to tell you About the shower we took the other day Because she's been like I'm going to tell your mother

Because we took a shower together Here, tell her, babe Can she hear me? Yeah I can hear you Hi, Christina So, your son and I Anybody?

Yeah, you're going to love this Your son and I thought it would be Romantic and loving To take a shower together And... Okay, I can almost... I can almost guess what she did What do you think happened?

I think he started farting And poop came out Close No, he spread his butt cheeks To get the water on it He used the bar of soap And he put the bar of soap In his butt hole

Instead of taking... Christina Hi Dear God Please Tell this story to stop No, don't bother Telling me this is so disgusting

I think my husband Will enjoy it And will be proud of him Wait, it gets better And then... You mean it gets worse No, it can get better Oh, it gets worse

So then he starts Horsing Like hawking a loogie Hi Hi, dear God Oh No, and then He blows snot

He puts one finger on one nostril And pushes the snot out Of the other one That's enough I can even... You tell me this I can believe You're telling me this

I don't want to hear anymore Oh, that No, I promise you And then the snot was in his beard And then He peed on me He peed on me on the show Oh

I can imagine anything With that imagination Nevertheless, I think he did something This is the most disgusting thing Horrible In my 70 years of life I ever heard And you think this is funny

I don't think it's funny I think it's horrible I think we were trying to have a nice... And what did you think? Well, that didn't surprise me He just told me that He's not binary And it's not mixed

But he's nothing He's bisexual That doesn't qualify And you don't mind that he's bisexual by the way? Oh, I think, yeah Well, he's poly He's polyamorous, bisexual But he's non-binary

So he's not attracted to either sex Oh, I thought he was bisexual So he's what? He's bisexual, he says Right But he's also non-binary I like both sexes But I'm neither sex

Right He's asexual It's very complicated She's like, tired They can fix you and do something with you Can I tell you something Very hurtful that Christina did Well, after we took that shower

She told me that I was like That I was a homeless person That I... That it was like showering with a homeless person Isn't that rude? With a homeless person? Yeah, she said that showering with me Is like showering with a homeless person

Because I'm spitting and... You're not degrading the homeless people I mean, why is that... Ask her I don't know what she means with a homeless person Ask her about the comfort The homeless person was cleaning She's taking a shower

So what is wrong? Ask her about the comfort Or if she noticed that he was washing the comfort Oh, that's right That's true That's a good point, mom Hey, dad told me the other day That he farted on the bed

And that there was shit on the bedspread He did It's true And what did you think when you heard this? No, I walked in the house And I see a fire car in the comfort In the washing machine I just washed it

He said, yeah, but I just pooped on it And I said, what? He said, well, it was an accident I didn't mean to But I had a little fart And it came... It was one of the fart I didn't notice yet

Not the fart So... I... Do you know that those are... Mom, do you know that those are called a shard? Do you know those are called a shard? I have no interest in knowing the name of those Because if I have one of those, I have to doubt

I go to a bathroom No, no, it's called a shard People usually... It's called a shard A shard? Yeah, shard S-H-A-R-T A shard

Oh, he can have a shard thing Right, because when you go to fart But you shit, so it's a shard Well, usually you have one of those Whatever the name is I don't like it If it happens, it's in your underwear But if you go through your underwear

To the... To the pants and to the bed And you poop in your pants You're being shocked That's a good point, actually That's a good point Is it not the truth? Yes

And you have to go through so much yourself Now, do you... It's a good distinction It's a very important distinction Did it bother you that he didn't remove the poop stains From the bedspread He just put with the chunks of poop Into the washer?

Would you mind to change the topic of conversation? This is so disgusting That I love my appetite When you called, I was having a cup of coffee With a coffee cake Yeah And I was calling the vet for my dog I hang out with the vet

To see who this person was calling To both numbers It has to be something important First, I tell somebody who wants me to go for healing Because they are that inconvenient That inconvenient They call you when you don't want to And they tell you bullshit

And you'll probably buy it Right But it tends to be you to talk about poop Which is even worse But we're talking But we're worried about you I'm worried about you You haven't even told me

You haven't even told me how is the baby We talk only about... Oh, baby He's in the crate right now He's in his... He's locked up Just give it to me Because you're so busy now

Being by this and not this But you're not a poly But you're a... What is this baby? No, I'm poly and I'm bi But I'm also non-binary You're poly? Yeah

And bi? And I'm bi And non-binary And non-binary Non-binary And what is non-binary? I don't identify as either gender That's very sad

A casino doesn't mind You don't mind No, and here's the thing When you refer to me You don't say he Like you don't go He would like to do that You say they

So if somebody says... They like... You are plural Right Right Yeah Why can I say it? You are nothing

Actually, you are no babe Let me clarify this again You guys don't talk good English Okay You are not babe You are it Because you are nothing Now you are nothing

You don't identify like this And you don't identify like that So you are it That's a little hurtful But, okay All is between my kitchen table And neither one is nothing Well, I don't know if I'm...

Your kitchen table I'm telling you... Well, tell me If you have no feelings You're not attracted to either one You are not bisexual You are not polite You are not really

You are not valid You are not being... You are just... That's not babe You are not two people The opposite You are reducing yourself To it

We prefer they Well, I'm sorry for me Tell her It's not they They are not two people in there Tell her we're making... In these days You know, you want to be both

And she doesn't mind And you're... Oh, God, come back to me We're making sure To raise Ellis In a non-gender Conformist environment too We're going to dress him up

In pink Okay, that... Right now You just told me you're joking What do you mean? What? No, I don't want him to grow up Confused

Yeah Well, can I... Can I pick up the baby And ask the good guys Some treatment Like in a couple of years I give it back Well, when he's done playing with his dolls

Yeah, maybe I'm sorry I think she deserves To be in a normal environment In which I will care what she is And what she does Well, maybe we have a different definition Of normal

Yeah, but I know what normal is Because I'm only A million years older than you I'm not normal Okay I'm not normal Change the topic Of all this dirt conversation, by the way

Yeah, yeah We went to the movies yesterday And I love the movie, Christina You will love it What is it? What? My name is Dolly My name is Dolly?

Or Polly Polly Polly, Dolly My name is Dolly and Pie My name is Polly Pie No, my name is Doris Doris Oh, Doris, okay

I love it What is it about? Yeah, what's it about? Well, this is another woman Yeah Okay, sounds gross Yeah She works and she has a crush on a younger guy

And what she goes through I mean, her acting is superb I mean, they don't get focused on the type of fighting But she will be very fantastic job Well, that's cool She will be the job But I felt horrible No, it's not the movie

You said my guy was a great movie It was amazing Yeah And you should see this No, it's a movie that It's entertaining It makes you laugh It makes you feel good

Cool We'll check it out When they make a Polly Pie version Can I call you back on the other line? Yeah, but I want to talk more of this Yeah, no, no, we'll talk baby stuff and everything I gotta go take a shit Yeah

I'll call you when I'm done with this Don't go take pictures Because you can't see the picture in the bathroom Yeah, I know Excuse me Excuse me, no, he's not here We should eat the picture in the bathroom There you go

There you go You're getting there Finally Alright, they love you Bye Bye, love you Bye You know what we should do when they come visit next time?

Big Wu-Tang is dangerous Protect your neck, brother There you go Big Wu-Tang found my mom We should buy dolls for Ellis When she comes over next time Like Barbies and put them around Ellis It's true

And put them in a dress See if they like it Yeah, that's a good idea Yeah Well, that went well That went great, yeah I mean, she's not as supportive as I was hoping for But you know

Well, I hate when people aren't as supportive As they should be of this stuff I know I know Progress people are trying to make progress I'm Polly and I'm Bai Let's get some progress Yeah, here's the time I told my dad

Dad Buddy Hey, I gotta tell you something What's that? I'm Polly and I'm Bai What's that? I'm Polly and I'm Bai That was the best day of my life

When we told your dad you were Polly He goes, alright, buddy Well, AC-DC, huh? You'll switch hitter Alright That's so funny I love explaining this stuff to the older generation It's really fun

I can't wait to tell my dad about non-binary I don't know Their heads explode when you try to explain this stuff to them Oh, yeah I was talking about the bathroom thing with North Carolina With my dad and he was like If somebody has a dick Then they can peace next to me

But if they don't have a dick They can't come into the bathroom with me That makes sense He's like, I don't know why people aren't worried about Children pissing next to grown men That's more worrisome I mean, you actually have a point What's he worried about?

Like, you know how in men's bathroom stalls You guys just fucking pee next to each other And if you're lucky there's some kind of a divider Right, and sometimes there's not Yeah, he's like, I think we should be more concerned about Like little boys peeing next to it That is the bigger issue To big old dicks

You don't know what the grown men are doing It's terrifying You're a little kid A little boy Public restrooms are kind of terrifying Of course I mean, the fact that you should be expected to whip your genitals out In front of strangers is really crazy

And people piss on the floor And like, yeah Oh yeah And it's intimidating to be, you know As you're the height of the other people's dicks So you know what I mean? Your face is at their cock Dick level, yeah

Pull out there You gotta go with Ellis Whenever you're out with him Make sure that Oh, okay, thanks Just let him go alone pissing everywhere, you know You're just thinking about the future right now? Yeah, of course

My terrified son of these monster cocks all over him All over him You know what, around him Like hit him on the head with it and stuff Yeah, yeah What happens? A little boy Yeah, it's a bigger, it is a bigger issue

Yeah Let's keep our sons protected from these Monster public dicks That's really the Jumbo as you like to call yours Yeah, Jumbo's, he's something else, man He is something else That was really funny

Your mom really didn't like the shower that we took together She got really You know what I noticed Is that she will talk longer about gross things She doesn't like if it's coming from me Right Like we get a little longer of a rope Yeah

But when it's just you, she like will hang up on you Yeah So in the future, this is a great tag team Sure Give it to me, let me tell her the details Yeah Cause she'll stay on the line longer Yeah

And for those of you watching on YouTube The reason that I handed the laptop over Is cause we were using You hear us through the recorded microphone But she hears us through the microphone in the laptop So if you're wondering like why the fuck are they doing that It's that Yeah

I did feel like at a certain point in that call though She was like Y'all, y'all are we gonna finish or y'all done? You know Some respect Yeah, she was definitely like Put some respect on my name Put some respect on my name

What's that? Be okay Hold it down Hold it down Hold it down It was definitely what was going on Mama, I love you I love you

Yeah, she was definitely I know you guys are dying to know what's up with Bitsy And her diarrhea Mm-hmm Took her to the vet And they tested her poopies To see if there's some kind of viral whatever And it's not that

She is just stupid And she's eating stuff in the backyard And they basically said that Yeah, the vet was like You know what? Some dogs are dumb And just eat everything So we had to get a special dog food

To offset the fact that she will just eat Horrible things And give herself dire Put some respect on my name There you go Two of them together Y'all, y'all are we gonna finish or y'all done? Yeah, it's great

Yeah LinkedIn is helpful LinkedIn is helpful I don't fuck with LinkedIn LinkedIn LinkedIn Also, I watched a Hitler movie Oh

On Netflix called Look Who's Back It's a German film And it was actually pretty good Really? Yeah, it took a neat twist I didn't think it would Hey, Hitler It's interesting

Yeah So you made a movie that Hitler wakes up in the year 2015 Or 2014, I forget What's it called? Look Who's Back Look Who's Back It's in German, it's subtitled

I loved it It was really funny Of course you loved it Really interesting social commentary And all that crap Yeah Yeah All the day

We have a couple other things Oh, first we have this announcement I should probably get to That we haven't gotten to yet All the day All the day Your mom really hates the brown dog Oh, chips in a bowl

That's big Big news It is It's big news So It's so major It's something I wanted to Make sure

We had our ducks in a row For a while And so I I was talking to Blueban And I had to make sure Everything was lined up And then He flew

To a couple places for me And made sure we were set to go And he did this for me And that is that we are now ready To bring out the new The all new Bikes shirt Oh my god

Oh my gosh This is something that Was originally on our Oh my gosh On our mommy jams On this show And then I made a bit about it On the

Netflix specials And then now it is ready to go We have a bunch of them They are absolutely fire We even have a Bikes Bikes Bikes

Bikes Bikes Bikes Bikes Bikes Bikes Bikes That is great

Blueban did that Good job Blueban That's really neat Really good work There Is that promo up anywhere That people can see it It's going to be

So we are just showing it here For the first time That's a really neat design I like that Yes, the new bike shirt We had one for a while This one is on A much higher quality T-shirt

It's an all new design It has a few bikes on it And of course it has The word Bikes in big black letters This store is now up If you go to TomSegura.com In your mom's house podcast.com You can check it out

And we are very excited And we have them fully stocked So it's not a pre-sale There won't be the Issue that we had before With a lot of you Waiting on your sub cane shirts I profusely apologize for that

And it won't happen with these And the sub cane shirts That you do see on my site Are only ones that we have in stock So we have a new system That counts the inventory And eliminates shirts That are no longer there

You will not have to wait again So a thousand apologies Please get the bikes shirt It supports us It supports the show And it supports You know It supports our guy here

Our producer, BlueBand You jool motherfucker you So please get them Jeez, it's really intense Anyways, I'm really excited About bikes jeans Good, that's exciting guys Pick up your shorts

Do your shopping on Amazon Get on LinkedIn LinkedIn is helpful Is there anything else? I don't think so I think we covered a lot of topics Yeah Yeah, do you want to do the

Donald Trump dick detectives real quick? Okay Sure, one second Let me pull this up The dick detectives And you have a number of What are these J-packs I'm supposed to bring up?

Yeah, okay So here is An image of him to get you Get your mind in the right place How about Charo with his political commentary? Yeah He's such a turk This picture looks

It does look like he just finished He's like I guess Feels good Feels good that you just put a finger Feels good you have a finger In the booty hole, right? Doesn't that kind of look like

A pleasure face? Yeah It is turkey neck So you want to go first? I mean everybody knows The answer to this I feel like it's kind of a no-brainer Yeah

It's obviously orange It's orange Orange with fluffy white pubes What about size-wise? There's been a lot of talk about his hand size He was accused of having small hands And then he made a very Clear message that

My hands, first of all He doesn't think they're that small And also no one's ever complained About my manhood So he was basically saying I at least don't have a small dick He didn't say I have a big dick But he didn't say

I have, you know He said no one's ever complained about it I'm going to go for short And thick like a coke can But it's short Like a coke can But it's thick Coke can is

Yeah, but it's not great Because it's too short How short is it? I don't know I don't know It's just short It's short It's orange

With white pubes And his beans are tiny I think he's got small Okay What do you think? I think it's actually like a little Like a cute little button Like there's actually

I saw, yeah this is it here There's this sketch That I That I saw of that What's her name? Ilma Is that her name? Ilmagore

Yeah, Ilmagore Did a sketch of him Let's see And I'll try to bring it up here It's become very popular And I think in my mind It's very accurate As far as here it is here

Oh, yeah, right? Yeah, uh-huh Yeah, that's totally That makes sense When you look at the In proportion to the body type Where it's like real small Placid

Yeah, he's got a nice Because he's got some weight on him He's got a nice fat pad here And it basically You just see the head Kind of poking out When it's flacid And then it probably grows

I think probably around four inches You know Yeah, I don't think He's got anything extraordinary Going on down there Yeah, yeah I would give him a little More length on that

You think so? Yeah, but the shape of it And the color and everything Looks about accurate I think, yeah I think that's about it I'm gonna go with Ilma's Depiction

I think it's really accurate And, you know, I'm not gonna lie It looks a lot like mine So that's kind of what I think You think? I don't think so He doesn't have any balls In that picture

I definitely have Oh, they're tiny His balls are tiny I definitely have balls Or bigger balls You have longer, hangier That's how full they are Yeah, they get full sometimes

It's like your dad's They're bigger He's so gross So, but the problem With this episode of Dick Detectives Is we don't get to ask Donald So which is it? Because that's how we usually like to play

I mean, Blueban, do you want to decide Who's more accurate? Is it a coke can in girth and short? Or is it what I saw there That little head that Ilma drew And about four inches long? Blueban just gave me The point and the thumbs up

Meaning I win this round Of Dick Detectives Yeah, perfect Yeah What kind of dick, I mean What would be your ideal dick to have? Ideal? Not one of these fantasy dicks

That you see, you know In sex stores Or on a few porn stars That are just gargant- I think that's too crazy I think everybody would want The ideal one would be like A little above average

In everything A little longer than average A little girthier than average So I don't know Maybe like Eight is like long But not like What the fuck is that?

So eight inches long And then maybe Like where your fingers Like your fingers don't quite touch When you hold it You know Like mine I can go like this And like

I can put fingers around it Like four times And then You know If somebody were to like Walk in on me I could just put like Three fingers down

And cover it, you know What color would be an ideal Penis color? I think like a deep purple Would probably be the ideal color You see it sometimes Depending on your blood situation But I think if it was

Like just Deep, deep purple From base to head all the time That'd be an ideal color What, how does that happen? Is that when it's just full of blood? It's that color I think, yeah

I mean And then what's going on With your veins and Yeah And then what about balls? Balls I mean ideally You want probably

Pound and a half, two pounds each You know Because nice big balls Are exciting to women And what about hair? Oh, hairless of course Hairless, naturally, yeah I'm shaving that thing up

All the time, man I know it's such a hassle To shave pubic hair I hate it So over it I wouldn't mind removing it all Yeah, I know, me too It'll be kind of neat

Yeah Huh, interesting I should ask you What's your ideal one? Babe, yours is my ideal one Here we go That's the loving answer Of course

Of course No, I don't care Yours is perfect I really don't I think it's not Oh my god It's not an objective thing It's the person

This made me laugh so hard Is the Yeah, it's here So We had this You know, the last few weeks We played The woman

Lifting weights and screaming Yeah And then we had the woman Getting the tattoo and screaming Yeah And now we have Arm wrestling These are arm wrestling competitions

Don't move The guy's laughing They're left Wow Dude, I can't even wrap it, man You hear him? He goes, I can't even wrap it It's hilarious

She's so weird Put your hands here for me Wow What a weird beard Yeah And then we had Do you think she does that To psych out the opponent?

Yeah, I'm sure it's her It's natural It's her thing, you know Yeah It works Oh, yeah Yeah, yeah It definitely works

Get up Let's go Get up there I can feel you I can feel you Oh, my God So So good

It's the thing I'm looking for Labeled everything So good Is that the one called everything? Okay So this is, man This made me so happy Blue Band put together

Wait, is this it? Is this it? I hope so Oh, my God What masterful work This is so good Two arm wrestlers, the weightlifter And the lady getting the tattoo

Screaming all at the same time That's good shit Yeah Yeah Which one's your favorite? Oh, it's so hard This lady, I hate and love at the same time The tattoo lady

Yeah, I hate her Look at this one's face Okay, I know, this lady That one's great Her face is great So ridiculous I like the old lady in the corner Yeah, the weightlifting lady

That one's amazing It's all good, man You can't really go wrong with this one Look, there's other stuff we didn't get to But I think we got to wrap up this show, man Yeah There's too much Thanks for watching

If you're watching And if you're not watching Why aren't you watching us on YouTube? Silly jeans You better get your life Get your life There's two closing songs Right?

Pick the one that says farting Okay That's how you know it's good All right That's our show You got it Please, yourmomshousepodcast.com TomSigura.com

Please get the bike's shirt It's on sale We have the store is being Has a few other shirts And it's being rebuilt So please support the show And that's it Domestic shipping is free, by the way

Oh, that's nice Nice Anything else, jeans? You good? That's it, I love you I love you Bye farts Bye, mommy Yeah

Bacon mayonnaise Fuck Damn Damn Mom Mom Mom Mom

You wanna fuck with me? Mom You wanna fuck with me? Yeah Hey, Hitler Placement, movement Placement, movement Like he'll put his legs up like a diaper

Diaper, diaper Placement, movement Placement, movement I'm farting on you guys There's no haters here Placement, movement Placement, movement Like he'll put his legs up like a

Ding dong, ding dong Placement, movement Placement, movement I'm farting on you haters There's no haters here From what you From what you From what you

From what you You think I'm a crazy No Fuck me man, man Sometimes I see a mean Sometimes I see a mean Sometimes I see a mean Sometimes I see a mean

Sometimes I see a mean Sometimes I see a mean Damn, you're dripping big ass water Damn Sometimes I see a mean Sometimes I see a mean Sometimes I see a mean Sometimes I see a mean

Sometimes I see a mean Sometimes I see a mean Sometimes I see a mean I don't know how you do it