Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 343-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: May 11, 2016

You see thing about pimpin, man. You want a happy ho. Happy ho's eat, sad ho's don't. If you want to keep your stable out there and earnin then keep your ho's happy.  This is the only podcast that provides cool insight like that. Also, Top Dog did it again. Yup, you guessed it, his face meat hit the numbers on the phone when we spoke to him. Oh yeah, he sharted too. Great story. All that and more. Just get your jeans on. 

I just got diarrhea. Oh my goodness. Oh it's intense. The goal that I have every day. Give me diarrhea. Give you diarrhea. Did it work? This is submitted by Ross Dude. I like it. Did he make it? Apparently. We think so. Shit. So, yeah, welcome to your mom's house podcast. I'm your host, Tom Segura, along with the lovely, talented, hilarious, Jeans up a Jeansky. Chris Jeans. So radio of you. Oh my God. Hello. Hey. Thank you to all the wonderful crowds that came to Jack my Sunville in Florida

this weekend. You guys were fan fucking tastic. I couldn't have asked for more. So really appreciate you guys coming out and we have some upcoming dates I'd like to inform you of. There were some great suggestions people had online. So I'd like to read some of them. I put them on my Facebook page and then people were really killing it with how I should have listed my future days. Oh, don't you hate that when it's too late and the city's already passed though? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is for the future. Yeah. So here we go. I'm going to Syracan in New York, also known as Syracuse, May 2021. Suck my juice I like. Yeah, suck my juice and sewer juice is good. Sperm vine for Irvine. Yeah, that's good. We're doing

that in the beginning of June. Asheville for Nashville. Yeah. West Balsa. Yeah. Piss and nasty for Cincinnati. Sandy A-hole for San Diego. Taint screw us for St. Louis. It's good. And new. Newdhawk shitty for New York. Really good work guys. Yeah, that was thanks for Grant Sutherland for that one. So anyways, all those horrifically offensive names for cities are in place of real names. Somebody else said suck my juice, squirt vine, gash kills, skins and nasty, skins and nasty, man, dick, Lego shit, poopless, Jewdork titties and fill my holes, Delphia. Oh wait, Jewdork titties is a whole other level. Yeah, that's great. Jewdork titties. That's a, yeah, it's racial too. I like that. Tomcigura.com shows

page. You know, it'd be really funny as if you started listing them on your, yeah, really Oh, by the way, big announcement. Yeah. I just got the call before we started this. Philadelphia, Phil Hurd up Delphia. Yes. November 19th sold out. Hey now, we've had a second show. Okay. The second show will be the day before Friday, November 18th. So if you're in Philly, Friday, November 18th, ticket is on sale. Tomcigura.com slash shows. Please get your tickets for that. Jeans. May 27th and 28th. I'm at the La Jolla comedy store in La Jolla, California. Every Saturday, I'm at the comedy store, 7.30. We had a lot of mommies coming out to the comedy store now. It's really cool. It was all mommies this Saturday. I'm glad that you keep pumping

that. Yeah, why not? Come see me. And we're going to do a, we're working on a date right now. So, you know, I'm prematurely ejaculating on it, but we're going to do at your mom's house and friends standup show. They're pretty relatively similar. Yeah, the store. Oh, also listen to that. And, uh, charge it to the game is back. Oh, good. I had an episode last week with Travis Johnson, the former Texan and charger. I'm recording a new episode this Thursday. I tried to get it up by Friday with another NFL player. So I'll leave it at that. Please subscribe, rate and review, charge it to the game. Also, I would love to ask you, Hey, do you shop on Amazon? I know you do because you're just as lazy as we are.

Yeah, it's great. We haven't left our house in a year because I subscribe and saved a toilet paper, paper towels, coffee, everything diapers now. Did we put the air on? No, I forgot. Wipes, jeans, you can buy it all on Amazon, but use our banner. Go to your mom's house podcast.com and click on the banner at the bottom of the homepage. Do your shopping use normally. This goes on YouTube, right? Blue band. Oh, good. Okay. Yeah, please use our banner. And also, oh my God, I just shit my pants again. A little less spikes. The shirt is on sale. Please go to pork titties times to go to my shop page and please get the new shirt. I think ju ju dork titties would be a great URL for anything. Can we

reserve that immediately? Ju dork titties. Sure. Wow. Ju dork titties. All right. What would you sell on ju dork titties? You could sell dorky stuff and you could sell titties stuff and you could sell ju stuff. All winning. Yeah. Three things. You could sell titties that are covered by yarmulkes. Yeah. That's a good idea. Yarmulkes. You got any coming from those yarmulke balls? Okay. Uh, this episode of your mom's house is brought to you by score big. Did you know that 40% of all live event tickets go unsold? Jesus. Jeez, Louise. Did you know there's a place to get these seats at a huge savings? It's called score big. Score big works directly with your favorite teams and artists to get their

unsold seats at unpublished prices. Only with score big can you name a ticket price and be guaranteed to pay below box office up to 60% off. Here's what you got to do. One, go to score big.com or download the new score big app for your iPhone and find the event and seats you want. Oh, no. All right. Hold on a second. It's our furniture. All right. This episode of your mom's house is brought to you by score big. Did you know that 40% of all live event tickets go unsold? Oh my God. Did you know there's a place to get these seats at huge savings? It's called score big. Score big works directly with your favorite teams and artists to get their unsold seats at unpublished prices. Only with score big

can you name a ticket price and be guaranteed to pay below box office up to 60% off. Here's what you do. One, go to score big.com or download the new score big app for your iPhone and find the event and seats you want. Two, make an offer with score big's name at ticket price feature. Three, get an instant answer. Save up to 60% off your tickets, never any fees and shipping is always free. You can count on unbeatable prices and great seats and when you're in great seats, you actually enjoy the game or the show all the more. This is a big point that we discussed with them too that I'm super impressed with with score big. A lot of times you go to the other ticket place websites. They'll give you a really

low price and you go, I scored these tickets. They're 10 bucks and then the fees. Yeah, that's how they get you. But these guys don't have fees. The price is the price. That's very rare and special. Next time you go see any game or show, go to score big first and see how much you can save. For the easiest way to save on tickets, download the score big app on your iPhone. Enter promo code Moms. That's M-O-M-S at checkout and you'll save an extra $20 off your first ticket purchase. No iPhone, no problem. Get $20 off online too at score big.com. That's score big.com promo code M-O-M-S, the word Moms. Score big.com promo code Moms. Score big is what's up. Good. Listen, you do whatever it takes to make sure

your business runs efficiently, but constant trips to the post office can get in the way, right? You want to save your time. That's the whole thing with business. Time is money. With stamps.com, you'll be able to spend less time at the post office and more time growing your business. Stamps.com makes mailing and shipping easy. Use your own computer and printer to buy and print official US postage for any letter, any package. Stamps.com does all the thinking for you. With a digital scale, it will calculate the exact postage needed, helps you decide the best class of mail based on your needs. Join over 600,000 small businesses that use stamps.com and never go to the post office again. Isn't that just a dream country?

We haven't been to the post office since what, 2011 or 10? They're a long time, man. We started using stamps.com before they even sponsored your mom's house and we used them to send out our merch for years. That's how much we love the service. I can't recommend this enough to you. If you're a small business owner, any business owner, you got to try it. Right now, you can sign up for stamps.com and use our promo code mom for this special offer. It's a four week trial plus $110 bonus offer, including postage and a digital scale. That digital scale is small. I know you're thinking, what is that going to be? Is that going to

take up space? No. It's tiny. It's a little tiny square. It's light. It fits anywhere. Don't wait. Go to stamps.com before you do anything else. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in mom. That's stamps.com. Enter mom. All of our merch is stamps.com postage. I really do. Anything that makes your life better. Why not try it? Just try it. Finally, this episode is brought to you by Satva. Satva is the leading online luxury mattress brand that designs, manufactures and installs luxurious eco-friendly mattresses in homes across America. Because Satva has no physical retail stores, they offer you a premium mattress at a fraction of that luxury

price. Without any of the industry markups tied to commissions, middlemen, storefronts, these mattresses are literally a fraction of what they would cost in one of the big mattress stores. A couple of distinctions we should make between Satva and some other mattress makers. Satva doesn't drop off a heavy box on your doorstep that's filthy. They actually deliver it in your home. They set up that mattress delivery. They even offer old mattress takeaway service for a nominal fee. The mattresses that you're going to get from Satva are luxury products. It's like what you'd find at the Four Seasons or Ritz Carlton.

Oh my gosh, it's organic cotton. The mattress itself, when you get one and they're made of that weird, polyester, stinky thing. They seem to be chemical stuff. Yeah, I'm telling you that you get this thing and it's soft cotton. You can just sleep on the mattress alone. You don't even need to put sheets on it. That formaldehyde. The weird ... Yeah.

This is the highest quality American plant-based foam certified to meet the strictest environmental health and safety standards. It is such a comfortable bed that your two mothers have been sleeping on it now for well over a year. More. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. And we couldn't be happier. It changed the way we sleep. We sleep deeper. We sleep more comfortably and we sleep in a non-homeless dog bed that we slept on for years thanks

to you. And too, when I was pregnant, it was the best to sleep on a professional bed. If you got a pregnant lady in your life, get her a Satva mattress, don't screw around. And listen, if you have the apprehension, we did too. This is a bed that we bought before we worked with them. And we go, I don't know, buying a mattress that's not in a store. You're buying it online. Not only has the experience been great with the mattress, the customer service is great. We got the mattress and you get a 75-day in-home trial.

So if you don't want to sleep, you try it for a couple months. You can return it for ... You get your money back minus a small fee, but you're not going to send it back. It's going to change your life, man. You're going to send it back. You're going to love it. You're going to love it. You're going to love the way you look. You're going to love your Satva mattress. So go to satvamattress.com, S-A-A-T-V-A, and order yourself a Satva mattress. There's no promo code. People have that. It's just we're informing you of the best thing you can do. Don't spend tens of thousands of dollars on a mattress

like some of these places want you to. Get a Satva mattress and sleep on the same one for a fraction of the price. Yeah, I like that. You stick it to the man when you use Satva. Yeah, you do. It's a nice system outside of the system. You know what I'm saying? I know what you're saying. What you do is you let them know that we sent you, but there's no promo code. They don't need a promo code. It's reasonably priced.

It's exactly right. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Okay. Hey, look at this shit. See these fucking thieves? You know how much I pay for these motherfuckers? Oh. A thousand dollars.

I'm gonna be right motherfucker. What's your name, Pudente? Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Now. Now. Yeah. Now. Now.

Now. Yep. Now. There. Now. See. There. Now.

There. What are you doing? Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Hey, look at this shit.

That's Walter. That's Walter. Yeah. God. Don't people want to have sex with other people? Yeah. You think that's his first priority? Yeah.

He's been laid. Yeah. Why make life harder? Throw up. Why are you? Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. God. I tell you my cousin had a Flipper tooth. It was the grossest thing ever because she would be talking to him.

And it would flip right out too. Your cousin had one? Yeah. It's fixed now. Oh. Had one for years. Really? We had a shot there and I could borrow you to your little cock-sucking motherfucker.

Okay. Everybody's got somebody like this guy in their family. Or in their neighborhood. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's good old Walter.

It appears that some kids, some neighborhood kids actually befriended this guy in, I think it's in South Carolina. Is that where it is? Sure. It looks like the south. Yeah. I think he drinks. Yeah.

A little. A little bit. Yeah. They have an aversion to teeth in the south, so that would make sense. Yeah. Yeah. Just getting them fixed, you know, like permanent-like. Permanent?

Yeah. You think he just, he hates his, having teeth or no? Yeah. He hates them. Yeah. They're such a nuisance. I got to floss them. Brush them.

That does all go away once you have your teeth removed. Life does get so much easier, huh? It's kind of the... It's the allure of dentures. It's sort of the reverse dental update. You know what? Let's get rid of your teeth, man. Let's get rid of them.

You don't need all them shits in your mouth. All them shits? Yeah. Them teeth shits. Yeah. Yeah. How does that happen? He's not that old, too.

He's not that old, but he lives hard, and living hard will do it. Yeah. I mean, like, my dad had an accident, a car accident when he was 18. Yeah. And he lost a lot of his teeth, so he had dentures for years, but then he had them replaced. Like, they could do it. He did it. He's got the nice ones now.

He's got, like, super... They look amazed. Yeah. What is amazed is that his teeth look great. They look amazing. And once you have all fake shits, you don't have to take care of them anymore, right? Fake shits. You don't have to do anything to them?

I'm sorry. Are they removable? No. I feel like if they're just not real teeth, you don't have to, like, actually... You still have to brush your teeth. You do? Yeah. Well, I don't know.

I've never had fake teeth, so... Yeah. I mean, I've never had the screw-in teeth, but my veneers, I still have to brush them. Yeah. I mean, you're not exempt from hygiene. Well... Is that the allure for you? Are you thinking about it?

Yeah. That's what I'm talking about. I don't have to actually do anything anymore. I mean, you barely do now. That's not true. Did you whiten them? No. No.

But I want to. Yeah. I've been thinking about that a lot. Have you been flossing? Yeah, I floss. When? It's time to time. Okay.

Okay. I use a lot of business cards and I put them between my teeth. Yeah. That's what I use business cards for. Yeah. I know. Yeah. That's cool.

What did you do for Mother's Day? I hung out with my jeans. Yeah, we did. We hung out on Mother's Day. It was nice. I baked stuff. I cooked stuff. Uh-huh.

That was neat. You gave me a nice gift. Yeah. Oh. All jeans didn't get me shit. Our baby didn't buy me shit. What's going on? I heard crackling.

Is it your cord? No. It's good. No? I heard it again. Yeah, I heard it again right then. No? There's nothing?

Move that cord that your left arm is on. That's fine. Okay. Uh, you enjoyed your mom day? It was okay. I would have liked to have been alone more. Okay. Isn't that the greatest gift for mom?

Everybody to disappear. Uh, okay. It's not ask for shit for a day. It would be nice, you know. All right. Well, you have kind of a Mother's Day gift coming up. I do, yeah. You're going to get your dream.

I know. I know. What did you tell them? What I did was I got this idea from a friend of mine, a mom friend. She went on a mom occasion. Real moms only. Basically, I'm going to check into a hotel nearby and I'm going to sleep for a whole night and sleep without the panic of like a baby waking me up for the first time in about a year.

I'm super excited about it. I think it's a good idea. I really do. Yeah. I think the alone part though, that's, you know, that's like the best part. Jesus. No, I, you know, I wish you'd come with me, but too bad, you know. I wish you could snore next to me.

You seem real broken up about it. There have been times where like I could only sleep for four hours or something and then I'd get to bed and you'd be ripping, snoring. And I was like, motherfucker, I want to kill myself. And then I'd just go sleep in the kid's room in the recliner, you know. Some real emotions today. I'll be mom's day. All right.

Jesus. Love being a mom. Wow. Okay. It's challenging. It is challenging. That's what they say. It's just, I love it.

I just love taking care of people. Yep. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah.

Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah.

Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah.

Ah. Ah. I translated it, translated it. You're a little loud. You're a little loud. Is this a new Rihanna song? It sounds like it? Ah.

What's up, what's up, where are you going? Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. What's up, Wesley? Ah. Ah.

No need, a dead one. Ah. Ah. Thought up. Ah. Ah. Oh. Ah.

I didn't. I didn't think that. Is that a place? Is that a place? Is that outdoors, but it's still a place? You don't think it's a place? Ah. Ah.

Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Uh. Boom. Uh.

Boom. Boom. Ah. Ah. Boom. Yeah. I like it. That's good.

You like it? Really? Yeah. Well, let me tell you, this weekend, um, I was in, uh, Jack's, Jackson's, Dick's, Offsville, Florida. And you know who I ran into there? Hell. I shouldn't say run into, but met up with, um, my dad.

Hey, buddy. It's Top Dog. Hey, buddy. It's Top Dog. Hey, buddy. It's Top Dog. You need to write down. It's Top Dog.

All right. Uh, so what I thought I would do is, um, is give him a call. Nice. Uh, let's see. You said that he had a special story to share. Well, I'm really hoping we can get it. Uh, let's see. I get it on, on a call right now.

So it's pretty, pretty interesting story. You'll never, you'll never believe what it's about. Yeah. Hello. Dad. Hey, buddy. How you doing? Good man.

How are you? Good. Good. Good. Hey, um, I had a great time seeing you this weekend. I'm really glad you. It was the best. It was the best.

It was a lot of fun. Um, but I wanted to talk about, you know, we, we had that great dinner. Um, I wasn't able to say hi to people after my Thursday show because I ran out of the club to meet you at that restaurant. We had dinner together. Um, then the next day you told me something happened when you got back to your hotel. Well, on the way back, you know, I'm driving back to, uh, the hotel and I can, I can fill, you know, looks like a, I'm going to have, you know, a blaster.

I have to really go. Yeah. We should point out you already did shit at the restaurant though. I did. I did. Yeah. I did. I did.

I said it's a restaurant. Yeah. You know, we had a pretty good dinner there and I think I don't know, just kind of moved things along. So I drive into the parking lot of the hotel and I know I really had to go bad, but I want to get a spot near the entrance. Yeah. Well, they're all taken.

So I parked down at the end there and then I, as I, and I'm squeezing my cheeks as I get out of the car and make that turn, you know, you got to make that turn to get out a little bit. I can feel a little escort come. Okay. And then when I stood up, I can kind of feel it kind of grueling down my cheeks. Okay. Oh no.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah. So then I'm kind of doing, you know, I'm doing the kind of pity pattern, you know, how you're trying to, can't take big steps. You're doing the pity pattern to the entrance. So you're doing like a, like a penguin walk, basically. Yeah.

Oh yeah. Walking into the hotel, you know, and the motel really, but, and then, you know, I go down to the elevator and I can still feel the stuff gripping about God. Oh man. Wow. And then I get into the room and of course I dropped my drawers and everything and kaboom. It was not only was it, but it was a cherry bomb. Cherry bomb.

What's the difference between a blaster and a cherry bomb? I forget. A blaster just kind of comes out with a lot of volume. Cherry bomb, the top of the bowl gets covered. Okay. Yeah. Well, I should say when you flush, when you flush the toilet, you still got a lot there. You know, I mean, you can't, you can't, you cannot get it all out even with two flushes.

I gave two flushes and it was up. Can I point out something first of all, you, you hit the button on the phone again. Secondly, uh, at the restaurant, you shit before I went to the bathroom, like immediately before and the upper inside rim of the toilet was covered in shit. Yeah. That was nothing compared to the one at the hotel. Okay. Okay.

So at that point, are you naked? You dropped, you took everything off, right? Well, yeah. You know, then I took my, I, yeah, I make it from the way I took the head, then I had to get the shower because, you know, and rinse off well, you know, after I got in the shower, rinse off, you know, and then I check around the room. I only bought two pairs of underwear, but we have this trip. So you threw that one away though, that you should, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I was going to say, so I, I, I checked it very back there with a little bit on the back of the underwear. Okay. And, and you could see it and I, and because it was such a clear shit, you know, it didn't really, wasn't real. Those are okay. So I kind of sniffed it to make you, you mean it was watery kind of, oh, yeah, watery. Yeah.

Yeah. So you sniff, you know, you sniff those boxers, sniff the boxers to make sure I was right on the spot. I wanted to find the spot where it was, where it is, okay. So now I got some soap and water and I cleaned it off in the, in the, in the sink. Okay. I didn't want to do the whole underwear because it takes you a lot of dry. So I cleaned it off.

You cleaned off what? Yeah. This spot. This is spot. Yeah. This is spot. Oh my God. Okay.

Oh my God. And then, then I had to dry. So what I did was I turned one of the lights on in the room and I put the underwear on top of the light shade. Okay. So the heat, the heat from the light bulb would act like a dryer and in the morning time comes my, my underwear is nice and dry and you know, toasties. Um, why didn't you just go buy boxers?

They sell them everywhere. I know, but I like this is one of my favorite, favorite boxes. I like it. You're shitting them. It's comfortable. Well, so, but you know, I cleaned it up so I was, I'm good to go. Okay. Okay.

So how did this shit measure in terms of biggest, biggest, you know, blasters, shit your pants stories. I mean, there's, there's this one, there's Portland, Maine when we were together. You remember that one? Yeah. Yeah. What's your biggest ever, you think? Well, the biggest ever was when we were in, uh, 1986 when we did the family trip to Florida

and had to pull off to this gas station and, uh, no, no, no, I'm talking about the biggest shit your pants. Oh yeah. She was well, the one in Orlando actually had to show that underwear like that couldn't save that. That was the Orlando airport or Orlando airport. That was the Orlando airport. I had to say, I had to show that one away.

Yeah. Oh, so what's the standard for throwing shit away, throwing underwear away that you've shit in? Why that one? Well, I, you know, I couldn't just go out in the public area and clean my underwear in front of all those people. Oh, but it was, must have been a lot of shit, right? Yeah.

And if I would have been in the room at a hotel, I think I could have saved that underwear. Wait a minute. No, you couldn't have because you told me that in the Orlando airport, you actually shit through your pants also that shit was visible. Yeah. Yeah. That's true. Yeah.

That's true. So wait a minute. So Orlando airport. What year was Orlando airport? Oh, shoot. That, the Orlando airport, that was like 15 years ago. And you, so you shit so intensely, so much that it went through your boxers and through your pants.

Cause you said there was a brown spot on the outside. Oh yeah. There was a brown spot. There was definitely a brown spot on my trousers. And you flew like that. I flew like that. I had no choice. I already packed my bag.

We're in, in, in the plane. So I just, you know, I had to do it. Were you with alone or with, with family? I was alone. Yeah. Now the, the other shit you're talking about. Yeah. That's just your biggest shit ever, the family trip.

He told me about this before. The family trip in 86. My biggest ever. Yeah. He's on a car trip with you guys. Yeah. Yeah. Christina is saying that she remembers this story.

He told me four times. Oh, just, just amazing actually. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. I would have won an award for that one. Let me tell you.

So how have you, did you, did you wear those boxers the next day in Jacksonville that you shouldn't? Oh yeah. I'm dry in the morning. So I won again. And then what about the following day? Then I have my other pair of shorts. I wore the last day.

Saturday. Okay. And then you went home. Okay. All right. All right. So you watched, I mean, you, you throw them in the water, right? You know, these, I tell you, these boxes, you're going to, you're going to laugh when

I tell you about it. We bought these boxes in a, in a casino in Indiana. Okay. And they were, they were, they were two. Two for $10. Okay. Wow. Yeah.

Those are your faves. I see. Yeah. Yeah. I see. You're like the cheapest I've ever spent on anything. You know, so they end up kind of selling them out of value. I want to get my money as well.

I got you. I got you. Does Charo not do his laundry? Yeah. Who does your laundry? Doesn't Charo do it? Yeah. She doesn't.

I don't do any manual labor in the house. Does she know about what happened in Jacksonville? No. No. She doesn't really dig these kinds of stories. Okay. Can we please tell her? Please.

Who? Who? Me or you? What? Is she there? No. She's playing bitch. Right now she is?

Yeah. Damn it. I wish she was home right now. No. She would, she would have, she was going to some sort of party after the rest. We know what I'm going to do now. It would be really great if we tell her this. When, when do you think she'll be home pretty soon?

Well, we're going to the gym today. Okay. She's now in the, at age 71, she started to finally work out. Okay. What time will you go? Well, here's the way it works. When she comes home. Yes.

She gets home before 30. She has to have her coffee and cookie first. Before the gym. I got it. Yeah. Before the gym. Okay. Okay.

All right. So here's what I'm going to do. About five o'clock in the gym. All right. I'm going to try to call you back in a little bit and see if I can catch her and maybe we can let her know. Okay, buddy. That'd be highly amazing.

All right. I love you dad. Thanks a lot. Love you. Bye bye. Wow. That was amazing. Pretty great, right?

We got a lot out of this call. First of all, we got a cherry bomb. That's a whole new category. He's mentioned cherry bombs before, but I just felt like I never really grasped the, the what, you know, the magnitude. Yeah. I'm going to try those phone dials. Oh my God.

He did. Such a dad. That's such a dad move. Every time, man. Every time. Every time. And then he goes, I didn't press the phone. And then for years, he would say that.

And then he goes, well, sometimes I think it might, I push it pretty hard against my head. Yeah. It's their face meat. Yeah. It pushes against the phone. Yeah. Because they hold it like that.

Dads can't, dads don't know how to use technology. And if he's at work, it's. Right. Breathing into the phone. All right. My favorite part of this call was that he dried the shit boxers over a lamp. Yeah. So not all, so they're nice and toasty, but the smell.

Was cooking a little. It cooks it in the room. Yeah. And he goes, I like a hairdryer. Well, they actually have hairdryers in hotel. I so wish we had been there at, in the YouTube and we could have seen him. Doing. Or just walked into his room and be like, what's up with your, oh, I just shitting

my pants and I'm drying them on the lamp. But they're from Indiana. Casino. Casino. Casino boxers. Yeah. I asked him the next day, I go, dude, I'll just go to the store right now. There's a fucking Macy's right here.

I'll go buy you a box. I don't want to buy boxers. Yeah. You shit in those though. Yeah. Clean them. An interesting fact of the Orlando airport story. I wasn't aware that he wore dirty pants on the flight.

Well, I didn't know either until this weekend because as we were talking about what happened, he brought up Orlando airport and I was real excited about it. And then he goes, yeah, you know, I went in the stall. I had to throw those out because there was just so much shit and it was in a public place. And then there was shit. There was a shit stain on my trousers. Trousers. Trousers.

Yeah. And he tried to clean it, but he said he couldn't clean it off. He flew with a turd stain. Chocolate. Yeah. Chocolate stain on his... Ew. Man, bad that smelled.

Well, imagine sitting in that seat after him. Oh, dude. Because that Duke, he just sat on that plane seat. Oh, yeah, bro. That means that so much shit is on plane seats when you... He's nasty. He nasty. Daddy nasty.

So nasty. We got to remind me to try to call the house in like 30 minutes. Yeah. I'm so nasty, dude. I'll try to get her on the phone because it'd be great to have her here. What happened? Oh, yeah. She needs to know.

Oh, yeah. How does he hide all this stuff from her? Yeah. I mean, she does do his laundry. Like she goes through everything. Well, those she probably didn't, you know, just missed out on because they're, you know, bunched up. She probably just throws it in.

Yeah. But yeah. I'm surprised. Charles doesn't usually miss anything in that house. I know, man. But this one I think he probably got away with. Remember one time I left my underwear at your family's house in Viro and your mom was like, they were clean.

She washed them. She's like, I love these. Can I keep them? I'm like, yeah, I guess. Really? So weird. That is so weird. No.

It's just a foreigner thing. It's normal. That's what foreigners do. I just use her underwear. She can keep them. Again, can I tell you though, your dad... I'm excited at how upset she's going to get. She's really upset.

What I'm thinking about right now. A lot of the times the best underwear I've had besides meundies, which really are my favorite pairs, are like Target underwear. Really? You just buy like the multi-packs, cotton, old school, full flavors. Yeah. Kind of the cheaper, the better sometimes. I got nice panties.

I get... I don't even fuck with Victoria's Secret, that horseshit. It's all cheap made. Yeah. But I like Target. It's the best. Cheap stuff. Besides meundies.

That stuff is amazing. Yeah. That is... But that's the good stuff, man. But you got panties that you've had for a long time too. I started to get rid of them though. I actually started to get rid of them when we started getting those meundies shipments. Yeah.

Because they're so much nicer. Yeah. And the other one starts to fold and forget. Yeah. But you didn't get rid of your oopsies. Those are like... My oopsies I still have. Yeah.

But isn't that crazy that there's just like one pair of sweatpants or your oopsie pants that you can't let go of? Dick shorts. Dick shorts. They're so good. Remember my dick shorts on the beach? And I would wear them. In Miami?

Yeah. And little kids could see your pubes. And your cock balls. And my friends. Yeah. They're white, right? They're like white. No.

That was in... That was in DR. DR. And that was full see-through. Full see-through panties. Yeah. Full see-through white so you could see outlines of your cock balls. Yeah.

That was so funny, dude. We stayed at this resort in the Dominican Republic for my like 36th birthday. And there was a cable with hardcore pornography. 24x7. 24x7. Yeah. And it was Channel 69. It was.

Yeah. And we go to the bar and we eventually make friends with the... with a bunch of dads in the pool, remember? Yeah. And we were all talking to these dad boners and we were like, hey, what's up with Channel 69? And they're like, what? Yeah.

Like you don't get... We're like, you don't get hardcore porn on... It was scrambled in their rooms. Yeah. Suckers. Well, we could see what it was, but we couldn't watch it. Oh, no. We got in our room.

Oh, it's hardcore too. And by the way, I never even really told you how much I restrained myself that weekend from watching that the entire time. Every time I put it on, you were like, all right. And I was like, oh, ha, ha, ha, ha, but that's all I was trying to watch it every time you did. You did not restrain yourself. Of course I did.

We were watching it. We were both watching it. No, but I wanted to keep watching it. I wanted to keep watching it. Every time you went to the bathroom or took a shower, I would watch it. It's fine. It's on your TV. When it's on your TV, it's different.

Oh, and we're so used to like your phone or your computer, but it's special. It's special on your television. Yeah. It's like, imagine going to a movie theater and getting to watch it, like get back in the seventies when you're supposed to get theater in the eighties. Yeah. And that would be especially. That's a business I'd like to open again.

Yeah. Public pornography. Yes. Theater. What a bad business model. It's so great. It's so great. Yeah, there's Kleenex in every row.

It's great. Remember too, on the cruise, we went on the last cruise that they had pornography, but it was too soft. Oh, yeah. And then you had to call and complain. I did. And there's a Filipino guy. He goes, oh, you're right.

I went hardcore. He goes, oh. That's so funny. And he goes, hold on a second, sir. And you're like pulling on a pole and he goes, no, I talked to the manager and no, we don't have that. And I go, I don't want to pay for this. He's like, okay.

Yeah, they're all Filipino on the cruise ships. Sir, please do that. They're hardcore. This is Dallas from Dallas, Texas. Um, I've been in the game since 19 motherfucking 88. Yeah, man. Mr. Dominic invited me to answer a few questions so you don't joke about that. Who got some questions to ask the Pimp.

So come on, ask me some questions. So this is the ask. Yeah, she's a Pimp. This is the ask a Pimp segment. People ask this guy Pimp questions and he fielded out this episode to this girl. Cool. Um, so she's a female Pimp. So the pieces of shit coming all sexes and colors and varieties, um, there's no end to

the exploiter. Here we go. All right. What it is? Superman coming out there. Eat that. Let's see. You know what I'm saying?

I know y'all doing the Pimp thing or whatever. I'm just saying I got me a couple of hoes or whatever, but they are down down never want to stay alive, but I ain't just too big on hitting the female. You know what I'm saying? So how I supposed to keep these hoes in line? You know what I'm saying? Well, I just put my hands on them like that. Right.

It's a good question. It's actually a really good question. Yeah. He's saying he's got a couple of hoes. Right. Sometimes they don't fall in line. What do you do without hitting them? I like that you're translating.

I understand. He spoke English. Okay. I understand. Well, I think I want to just clarify. I just want to clarify for people. Are you speaking Jive? Is this like the airplane movie?

I just want to clarify what really he's looking for as far as he's looking for business direction. He's looking for a nonviolent HR solution. Right. Yeah. To hoes not staying in line. Right. So here we go. Right.

Some pimps got to, you know, use conversation. Some pimps got to keep a bitch in the fog. It's different strokes with different, you know, pimps, so they all get an understanding from the get go. Now, the next thing he might have to hit the bitch a couple of times, you know, I know one pimp had to kick a bitch in the head before she get an understanding, but see, I don't roll like that because I want a happy stable because a happy stable is going to be more money in your pocket.

You know, happy hoes eat, sad hoes don't. So it's all about being happy and having an understanding with your hoes. This your girl Dallas kicking with Mr. Diamond on Ask a Pimp. I'll let you out of my eye. That's great advice. It is really thoughtful. I like that she actually said that one guy had to kick a bitch in the head, but then she got it like that until she, you know, that's what it took for her to get some people,

but some people just needed to get fed. Some people. Yeah. Some people do need, oh, I thought you were saying some people need an ass kicking to understand. All right. But then she's like some other bitches. They just want like a six piece McNugget and then they're happy.

Right. Is that what she's saying? I didn't hear that. Maybe I didn't understand the black speak on this one. You need to translate. I think we're just talking. Jive. Is that one?

Excuse me sir. Is this 1973? Right. That's Jive. No. This is... Are you speaking Jive? This is a really great advice though, is that it is different strokes for different...

She said different strokes, same pimps. Yeah. So there's, you know, different stuff. It's different strokes for different, you know, pimps though. Yeah. It's different strokes for different pimps. That'd be a good TV show too. It's good advice though.

Different strokes, different pimps. You know what the best advice that she had for all the pimps out there? Yeah. And I think this goes for just anybody that has people working for them, is that happy hose, a happy stable, is more productive. That's true. So as you're saying, you know, happy hose eat, sad hose don't, you want them to be happy. Well, I thought that's what she meant, you got to keep them fed.

Yeah. Yeah. Keep them happy and keep them fed. Keep them happy, yeah. Six piece nuggets and that's all you got to do for some bitches. That's all I would need as a hoe. I can provide that for you. Yeah.

I can provide that. I'll go get you some nuggets right now. Really? Will you bring back some money from working the track? Yes. Yes. You do well out there. Really?

Yeah, I think so. You think I'm a little old for hoeing? Nah, bro. You think? But I'm a blonde white bitch. No. I'm a little on the chunkier side for the most of the hose on the streets. Oh, a lot of, a lot of.

You know what I would do? High, high end hooking. That's the way to do it. You think so? Oh, I wouldn't fuck with street walking. I would go to Vegas and I would do only like Japanese businessmen and stuff. You can make it happen. I'd love to help you make your dreams come true.

Really, babe? Sure. This is the year. 2016 when you start hoeing? Yeah. Yeah. Start hoeing now. What do you think you would commission?

What do you mean? For your hoeing. What would I commission? What do you, I don't understand. What would you get? Oh, I'd get a top dollar. As a hoe. Who would be your client?

Um, just guys that are cool. I think in the, you would make a splash in the bear community because I know that a lot of bears, they send you fan mail like, oh, you're so high. You're so. Yeah, you like on circumcised guys as, as I recall. Yeah. You mean cool? Yeah.

I think you really do good with bears. Yeah. So you got in color with the bulls? Yeah, I do. Yeah, I do. You think the bears would like me? Yeah. Yeah.

I get tagged and bear things. Yeah. Yeah. And then you should come. It's like, yum, yum, yum. How does that make you feel? Just feels so weird. Yeah.

I actually, I have empathized with women more. I'm like, oh, this must be what chicks feel like all the time when in like you get bombarded with like the fuck her. You're like, okay. Yeah. It's a little intrusive. It's weird. Yeah.

Yeah. So that's what I, that's what I think. Dad. It rings every episode. I know. I got to, I got to get a new thing. How's your mouse working this week, dad? I don't know.

This is just here. You figured it out? Oh, man. Really? We'll just wait for the new one. Okay. DJ Dad Mouth. All right.

Wow. All right, dad. I had my son come over and he couldn't even figure it out. I don't even know what to do now. So I was in Jacksonville, Florida, and I did some morning press. Oh, good. You were in the same hotel room that I had turds on the ground. Well, I was, yeah, that's where the clubs, the club was at the turds on the ground, sacred

grounds, where the turds floated, yes. And you're also returning to Cincinnati. Will you be paying homage to the Cincinnati fart? Yeah, of course. The Renaissance Hotel in downtown Cincinnati room, was it 315? I think so, yeah. I will go and I'll probably lay a few flowers down. I think we should call that hotel and ask them if people are...

That's a good idea. You think so? Bay Link, do you guys have many people with pilgrimages, pilgrims? Do pilgrims come? 315. Yeah. Let's see. This is from...

Okay, let's see it. I'm so used to Curtis being the one that dresses up and all right, he's here to make you laugh. Comedian Tom Segour, aka DJ Dadmouth, is in town. Welcome to First Coast Living. Thank you for having me, man. First Coast Living. First Coast.

What's the first coast? First Coast, I guess, is, I don't know. That's where Jacksonville is. I don't know why it's the first coast. Wait, I like the one. I've been DJing a lot more than doing stand-up, so my focus has been wrapping up the stand-up shows and then hitting some turntables. It's true.

It is. It is what I'm all about. It is. And I like that they feed you, so you're eating the entire interview. I requested it because they had a chef on right before me. I love when they do that. And then I go bring some of that food over here and then I just ate. What were you eating there?

Fruit. They had some type of yogurt and then there was bacon over there too. Oh. Yeah. It was really good. I like that you wore the chain and the fur. I want to give a shout-out to Kim Ann, you are amazed, and Throatzilla. Throatzilla?

Yeah. Is that a friend? Do I want to hear the story? Remember what time we're on though? I mean, yeah. She's a Dallas-based entertainer. Okay. She's gifted.

If you have, you know, 500 bucks, you can do a lot. I think I was just told to stop with that story, Tom. Okay. Yep. All right. So your second... Okay. So fun.

It's so fun to do a press like this. Oh yeah. These are ridiculous. I mean, listen. Who's watching these? It's old ladies at home. They're not coming to the club. Yeah.

Their chances are it's not the same audience. No hell no, man. Nobody that watched this came to my show. Not one. No. It's a totally different audience. And I've learned because for years they have you think that like this is really important. Yeah, it's not.

But it's fun to just go have fun. It's so fun. One of the morning show. Chef James had prepared this stuff earlier here. But I like the other... The other appearance. See, that's the one with the jello on it. Oh man.

See, we've got some health. We've got some bacon. Look at that. Chef who? Chef James from Publix. Chef James! This is the most fun this guy's ever had on the show. I know.

He's having a good time. He loves you. He was really fun. He loves you. And then afterwards... This is a whole new hour this weekend. Really? Yeah.

It's a whole new hour. It's going to be a good time. And then we'll all hit the after party and get some fruit. Chef James. I'm going to come... I'm going to Chef James' house. I'm going to Publix. You know what?

You just got to Publix. I'm not even going to tweet where the after party is. It's at Chef James' house. I love that they... When I was talking about Chef James, they... Yeah. It's... They cut to Chef James.

Oh. So... Your beard looks so full. It does. It looks great on you. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. Okay.

You did good. Sensor. Dude, he made bacon too. Chef James! That is so perfect. That's unintentionally perfect. Yeah. Yeah.

That makes it look like a sketch. Well, right. It's morning shit. Oh, my God. That was so, so perfect on that part. How has life changed now? Chef James, I can give a shit. This is for you.

That was great. Oh, yeah. That was sweet. Yep. She's my wife. Very, very large. I always got to throw that in there, huh? Yep.

You do have a large chest. I know. They're enormous and they hang now. Christina Przitzki. Yep. She's my wife. Very, very large. My tits are...

They're so hanging now since I had this kid. Yeah. God, they look terrible. No, they don't. I like... It was good. That was really good, James. It was fun.

So much fun. This one, I also appeared in another morning show. Both full clips are available on YouTube on the Your Moms House podcast channel. So if you go to youtube.com slash Your Moms House podcast, you can watch these in their entirety and a bunch of other clips. You can also subscribe and these videos will automatically come to you. I think it's prescribed. You got to prescribe it.

Yeah. You got to prescribe it. I said it wrong. God. You look a little different. Thanks for dressing up for us. Well, you know... Oh, man.

Oh, you know. No. Why? Why? You look a little different. Thanks for dressing up for us. Well, you know, I've been focusing more on my DJ and so, you know, the comedy is kind of like something on the side now.

I just really... It's all about the after party. Some people believe you. Does this have anything to do with your big announcement? Oh, this was great. Well, for people that don't know when you do press, they go, hey, what should we ask you? So I had them ask.

I go just... I go ask me about my big announcement and that's why she said that there. And she doesn't know what it's going to be. She just knows to ask him. I was going to say with your little outfit that you have on now. A little outfit. DJ? Yes.

Or I thought maybe, you know, an athlete of some sort. That's kind of... Well, actually, you know, I'm also a sports agent now and I recently... That was just fun to say. Jaylin Ramsey, the new Jaguar, he's actually now a client of mine. So that was just a good time. They don't seem to be having as much fun. They're not.

But I gotta say, if I could be critical of myself, I realized afterwards that I should have brought more energy to this. I stayed subdued and, you know, it was like rehearsal before. The one that I played for us was the second appearance. So you had get your legs. Yeah. Yeah. So it was a good learning lesson.

Now I know that when I go do these morning things, go in with a lot of energy. Yeah. They're always like, hey. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a busy guy, man. So they announcement. Big announcement. The big announcement I wanted to make is that last year, you know, I came out as Polly

and Bi. And now I'm proud to say that I'm non-binary. What is that? What is that? That's great. What is that? What is that? She was so, so disappointed in every aspect of my appearance.

What is that? That was such a judgy mom, like, okay. Cut to commercial. Yo, she wanted to cut to commercial. She texted them afterwards too, the people that, the girl that brought me. And she showed me the text. She goes, that was awkward. Oh, hilarious.

Well, she's got that total mom haircut. She's got the mom cut to the max, man. She's got the John and Kate. Yeah. A little vibe. Yeah. She went full, full mom cut. Well, what, what, why can't I find this?

We got to do that thing, man. We got to do that thing about, about just getting these arranged in some way. Let's see if this is it here. I'm proud to have come out as polyamorous. And now I'm excited to share that I'm bisexual. I like it. I like it. I love how it frames.

Polly and bye. And now I'm, I came out as Polly and bye. And now I'm proud to say that I'm non-binary. What is that? Oh, shit. Non-binary. I liked his language choice where he's like, I'm like, last year I was excited to come out as my show.

I'm proud to come out. Yeah. Yeah. It's a very specific language choice. Yeah. It's interesting. So if you watch the video or if you're watching with us here on YouTube, you can see in this next moment when I explain this reaction.

Is there any, is there more to this? Cause I'm confused. Oh yeah. Like so most people fall within the male and female binary. Yeah. And then I'm non-binary. I don't fall into either one. You know?

So like, I'm actually like fluid binary, meaning that depending on the moment, I kind of go between different genders. Interesting. So like today I'm astral gender right now, which is I'm a gender from outer space. As two hosts who couldn't find a door yesterday to get into a place where I totally lost. I'm a gender from outer space. As two hosts who couldn't find a... She's so, so bothered.

Not having it. Not fun. Door yesterday to get into a place where we are totally lost. We are totally lost. There's such nerds. And they're also like, this really went downhill. Yeah. To them this isn't, this is the most fun thing that's ever happened on this freaking show.

Oh for sure man. I mean... It was a pretty, it's a pretty big thing to come out as non-binary. You're the first we've encountered. Really? So that is a big announcement. It's a big announcement, yeah. I think we're announcing that on our show.

Yeah. I'm happy to share it with everybody, you know? So, you know, just if you don't mind referring to me as they or them. I'm serious. It's done. They are going to be at the comedy zone tonight. And then finally... Well you can catch Tom on stage all weekend at the comedy zone.

Shout out to Throatzilla. They don't know who that is for sure. Oh shit. Anyways. I'm so amazing. I'm really planning my next one now. Now I'm asking... To do more.

Yeah, I'm like, can I do some more morning TV? Morning TV is horrible. This is going to get you off the morning TV circuit quicker than you just complaining about it. Really? You actually, you're being proactive. This is how you do it. Yeah. This is how you never have to do morning press ever.

Just fuck it all up. I don't know what polyamorous means. That's William Burr. William Jefferson. Oh, Bill. Yeah. He read an email from somebody and he was like... And...

Polyamorous relationships. I don't know what polyamorous means. His podcast. Nobody does. Nobody knows what... Well... Non-binary. Bill, I am poly and non-binary.

I don't know what polyamorous means. Nobody knows what the binary. Gender, fluid, none of this horseshit is. God, that was fun though. Yeah. That's a lot of fun. I hope you keep doing this. Your fur came after you left.

I know. I'm disappointed. If you guys notice there, I'm wearing a chinchilla scarf. It's fake. I'm just letting you guys know. I also ordered a matching hat and a coat. It's downstairs. It came right after you left.

That's what I'll wear at the next one. I gotta get some more jewelry too. No, I like the gold. It's really good. No, like rings and watches. Yeah, good call. It's really good work. Wow.

The best is walking in like that and they're like... It's really fun. Really fun. You know what I would do? Because I've always been tempted to do this when I used to do these horrible shows. It's just be like, if anybody, anybody watching this comes to my show as a direct result of seeing me on this morning show, I will personally suck your dick and balls. And just say that to see if anybody...

You said this? No, I want to. Want it to? Some tells me you're gonna be sucking a lot of dicks and balls if you say that. No. Nobody watches it. I would get out. There's free blow jobs at the show tonight.

Maybe. Yeah, and then you'd be on your knees for most of your show. It's fine. Anyways. You really get a lot of shouts out to Throatzilla this week, huh? Yeah, two of them, yeah. Are you following her on Snapchat? I kind of lost time.

No, no. Because she changed it. She did? Yeah, because I think she was saying that she was getting a lot of harassment on her list. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So she went to a different one. Yeah, yeah.

I did give her two shouts. It's exciting. I want to thank you yesterday. The kid took a dump in his diaper and you were like, I can't tell if this diaper's dirty. Can you smell it? And then you put it right up to my face and I took like a deep inhale. Yeah. Like a soulful inhale and it was definitely dirty.

So thank you for doing that. Yeah, and you said it was down in your lungs after that. It was like for a while. I wanted to vomit because I kept tasting it and smelling it. Yeah. Yeah, that was pretty good. Thanks. The truth is though, I got you better than, than I was actually, the truth is I really

didn't. I know you're not going to believe me. I really wasn't sure because I didn't get a whiff. Like I went to pick them up. I just remember it. And I just was like, we used some sniff. So I wish I could say it was as planned as it was, but it wasn't. Oh, really?

Yeah. I really wasn't as deliberate. Oh, yeah. It was real nasty. Yeah. It's a good smell. It was fun though to watch you sit. You were like, oh my God.

And then an hour later, you were like, I, I feel sick. I feel so gross. I inhaled this diaper into my lungs. Like a deep whiff. Oh my God. We found this clip of you when you were, I guess this is right out of college. Now what you got? What you got?

You got a block? You got a mouth? Hey, you're going to be charged for assault and be taken to jail. I would run because they're coming. I'm trying to warn you, but you're not listening because you ain't got no brains. You got some fucking little crack fucking residents in your brain. Residents. Residents.

Not residue. Right, right. You know, just a little memory of your mom was smoking you as you slid out her pussy, you bitch. Now, when did you, this was when you first moved? Well, no, this is Australia. This is road rules. Oh yeah.

The winner goes to the trailer park. Yeah. Yeah. This is when you still smoked. I can hear it in your voice. I was smoking cools back then. Yeah. You don't see this woman throughout this video, but you can picture her pretty well,

can't you? Yeah. That's very. She's very, yeah. What do you think she looks like? I think weathered is the term I would maybe express. Right. Skinny.

Yes. Very skinny. Teeth missing. Bad, bad. Bad everywhere. Bad everything. And there's a, you know how you smelled Ellis's diaper yesterday? This would be the smell you pick up from her, but from a distance.

Right. You wouldn't have to get close to smell it. Yeah. Smell her from a while. This is gnarly. Yeah. She's real gnarly. Yeah.

And she's really intense at the, she's yelling from, so from what I gathered from watching this video is that that is her property. So she's got, she lives here and there's a balcony, so she's in a home. Oh, and these are like a couple of gypsies. Squatters. Yeah. Fuckers. Yeah.

They're really camped out. They're really fucking sick. They're camped out. I'm representing the goddamn president. And let me trump that. Fuck the nigger. Let's trump that. Who do you think you're gonna be?

I don't think y'all got, y'all ain't got no news. No news you got. Get the fuck off my property. Sounds like a South Park character. It does sound like a South Park. Like, like Cartman on this. Cartman. Yeah.

That's what it is. Yeah. This asshole's cooking. Yeah. Wow. I think I heard a big word in there too. I didn't, I didn't hear it. What word?

A big one. What's that? Real big word. Which one though, passively? I'm representing the goddamn president. And let me trump that. Fuck the nigger. Let's.

Yep. Well, I don't, I don't know. What did she say? Let's see what else there is. There's other stuff. What did she say? I don't get it. Here she is.

Here. Come talk some shit now, Cody. You like to hit a woman and act like you are from the hills with eyes. Like you guys have had a radiation. I told you, I felt bad for you for being a crackhead baby in the fetus. I told you, I felt bad for you for being a crackhead baby in the fetus. But nigga, you went too far when you put your hands on me. I am a white supremacist.

I am telling you by the book and law of the order that I have not written yet. You are determined now. There's a lot of, there's a lot of drugs. There's a lot going on in there. Catch your mustard. She sounds like to catch a mustard. She sounds like ketchup mustard. Smoking crack.

Smoking crack. Smoking crack. Smoking crack. Smoking crack. Smoking crack. Smoking crack. Smoking crack. Yeah.

She's smoking rocks too. First of all, isn't Cody such a somebody that has hit a woman's name? Cody. Cody. Cody hit me. I think if you're a cop in there, like there's a domestic disturbance, male suspects, they say it's Cody. They're like, we know.

Yeah. We know Cody real well. Kyle. Yeah. Cody. Kyle. Kyle hit me. That's a nice.

Yeah. Cud names. He's been locked up before. Yeah. Then she said something about the book, the word of the book that I haven't written yet. No. To have that stream of consciousness that like there's a book I haven't written yet. Isn't that what she said?

She said there's a book. That's, but that's when you do a lot of drugs. It's meth. Cud. Cud. Cud. Cud. Cud.

Cud. Cud. Cud. Cud. Cud. Cud. Cud. Cud.

Put the book in all the order that I have not written yet by the book of the ball and the order of the book I have not written yet. She needs to get motivated. Maybe that's the big thing that came out of this. She watched this video afterwards. She's like, I got to write that book. I got to write that book. She's got this great American novel.

She's sitting on. What a psycho. This is drugs. It's totally drugs. It'sWAN drugs. Audience for sure. Yes, it appears that we might be having El Chapo visit and live with us, not here at our home, but there might extra item.

Oh, I think you're talking about our son. No, no, no. The nickname for our son. No, Chapito is our son, but El Chapo, the notorious drug cartel leader, has been moved to a prison in Juarez, which is just across the border from El Paso and the Mexican government has approved of extradition. Oh my gosh. He might be flying up to Brooklyn to stand trial and stay in Sean Penn's house.

You should see the list of charges. It's like, it's really intense. It's a lot, a lot, murder, kidnapping, torture stuff, obviously drug charges. It's pretty intense. That's how bad the prison is that he, the one that he originally escaped from is the one that he was just moved from. It's so bad that he told his lawyers he'd like to be extradited because I can't, I haven't slept in five months, but every hour they do roll call and he goes, I, I'm, it's like

mental torture. You know, he's, uh, he's really flipping out. Wow. Wow. Poor guy. It's so bad for El Chapo. Yeah. Well, you do the, you do the crime, you do the time guys.

Yeah. We haven't given our reports on our show. So we finished House of Farts. And don't forget the fart awakens we watched last night too. Fart away. And I didn't realize that Darth Vader was dead. Holy shit. And I kept waiting for him to come back in this movie.

I'm like, who's this new Darth Vader? So I should, we should also, uh, preface this with, you know, I grew up really, really big Star Wars fan. Yeah. You know, from the original. Who's your favorite character? Well, it's hard to say. I mean, it was just such a, a world that I would lose myself in as a kid that I just

loved everything about it, everything, you know, from just, I love the stories. I love all the characters. I really, it wasn't one or the other. It was just, I love that world. Yeah. And those original three are just sake were sacred to me. Well, I got really excited. I think I was in college when they first released the, the, uh, the prequel original, which

was the Phantom Menace. And I was just so disappointed in the movie. So disappointed. I mean, I thought it was absolute dog shit that I didn't see the other, um, two that came out after it, right? Really? Yeah. Cause I really, it was okay.

The Phantom Menace. I hated it. It wasn't the best, but I hated it. And then years later, and I mean like a year ago, and I think is when I saw Revenge of the Sith, which was, I liked that one. That one was, that one was not as, wait, that's the story of Anakin, right? Where you see him become the dark, where he goes to dark side. I really liked that one.

I think that might be my favorite. That was really good. Um, it was good. I, they don't, to me, it's still, they're not as, you know, they'll never live up to the original three. I just, yeah, because you grew, I think it's a childhood nostalgia. You're probably right. You're probably right.

Cause Mark Hamill, that's his name. Yeah. Luke's probably right. He's a dog shit actor. He was horrible. No, it's true. I think it's pretty fairly, isn't it? Pretty acknowledged that he was never a great actor.

Well, it's funny. You don't realize, I didn't realize as a kid, I realized later, I read interviews about how so much of the dialogue is so weird that's written in those movies. Yeah, sure. And Harrison Ford told George Lucas, like he said in interviews, like you can't say this stuff cause they would just be quirky, weird lines, you know, Harrison Ford's amazed by the way. He's amazed.

I mean, for me last night, that movie, he made that last film. Yeah. So we watched the fart awakens, which was, you know, huge, um, released last year. And we finally saw it after a long, we've been trying to watch movies for the kid for months. I want to say it came out in December and that's when Choppa was born. Yeah. And so it just, you know, didn't happen.

It was, we would watch a movie. We were talking about this last night. We would watch the movie scene at a time and then the kid would start crying and we'd have to pause. It took us, it took us about two weeks to get through one episode of Downton Abbey where Choppa was born. You couldn't watch anything. You couldn't watch shit.

I would watch movies and shows, a scene a night, so opening scene, next night, second scene. Yeah. It was really hard. So anyways, uh, overall I would say that it was a entertaining movie. Yeah. It was well done. It was really good.

It wasn't really big on a lot of the casting choices. Dude, I thought, I thought they were so uninspiring. Yeah. They, I mean, they did a decent jobs, but I wasn't like, wow, I really want that girl to win or I want the guy to succeed. You're just like, all right, I'm not really attached to you. Yeah. Um, I don't know if that's a performance thing or if that was a script thing.

Maybe a combination of the two. I thought that was such a weird choice to have the villain be the black guy. Oh, right. No. The black guy. What? He wasn't, he wasn't a villain. Oh.

You didn't get that? I'm just kidding. Oh. Uh, no. Oh, the guy from Girls. The, the fucking hipster boyfriend is the dark lord. Like, no dude. It's so weird.

It's so weird. He was too emo. I don't even watch that show. And I thought that the guy was a weird choice. He's too emo. He's like a hipster. And he's like, dad, you don't know what I've been through, bro. Didn't buy it.

I didn't buy really that much. The two leads either. The girl and the guy. I didn't buy them. I didn't either. I just felt they were too, I'll tell you what, and this is horrible to say. I felt that they were both average looking as actors. And that's why, look, man, I don't fucking act.

I'm not a lead in films because I'm not, you should be extraordinary looking. Either look weird to the extent where your face is really interesting, like Steve Buscemi. You know that guy's fucking ugly. He's hideous, but you love to watch him. No, he's ugly. No, I hear you. He's an ugly guy. But I mean, the girl and the guy they cast, I didn't want to.

I didn't care. Yeah, they weren't ugly. They weren't ugly, but they weren't like, wow, you're a movie star. Right. Which is what you associate with movie stars. Right. That's why we pay to see you. You're like, Angelina Jolie's beautiful and Brad Pitt, you know, and Ryan Gosling.

I like to suck his stuff, you know? What? Luke Wilson. God with the Luke Wilson. You want Luke Wilson Verizon commercials or you want Luke Wilson when he was Husky? Yeah. He gets, I know. I don't have to forgive him.

Yeah. That happens to all of us. Happens to me. Happened to me for the last 10 years. Um, yeah, I'm with, you know, I didn't think about that at all. But then when you mentioned it, how about their level of attraction that, how they're attracted to this? I was like, oh, yeah, they're not.

They're like average. They're like normal looking people. Like you're a movie star. You should be. Well, here's the thing. Normal looking people are important to have in movies. Yeah. But in the, what is probably the biggest release of the year, you can go for a crazy good

look. Well, even like that Zoe Deschanel, she's on the new girl, right? Yeah. And she's supposed to be like, oh, what a dork. I'm a dork. Yeah. And you're like, she's not. She's gorgeous.

Right. And that's how they cast in show business. Right. She's the ugly dog, but she's, you know. She's really pretty. She's got glasses. And now she's ugly. Right.

Come on. Stupid. Yeah. Well, that girl was pretty, the lead girl, but she wasn't. Yeah. Yeah. But not like, oh, I want to watch. Like Leia, when Leia was young and hot, you were like, wow, look at princess Leia.

She's so beautiful. She's gorgeous. Harrison Ford. Gorgeous. Mark Hamill. You know, handsome dude too. Chewbacca. Chewbacca.

Handsome. Yeah. Yeah. But a great story. I like the story. I thought it was pretty good. Nice little teaser for the next one. I can't wait.

Yeah. I love this whole Jedi. Did you want to be a Jedi? Yeah. But I also, this is weird, I guess, but I used to love the music so much of the dark side that I would sing it, you know, dun, dun, dun, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, I want to just sit there and play the, I would watch the, what's it, the credits.

Yeah. To listen to that music. Oh, that's good. I used to thought the stormtroopers were so cool. Stormtroopers are great. Yeah. You know what, I like the opening. The meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.

John Williams composed that school. I want to know that guy. Yeah, you know John. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. So let's talk about House of Farts. House of Farts. Wow. Okay.

How is it that show gets better and better every season? I don't think it's gotten better and better. What? I don't think so. That I used to, I mean, without giving away specifics, I thought I liked the season the most. I mean, I thought it was killer. Yeah.

Wow. Killer killer. Really? Yeah. You don't think, I thought it was just amazing. No, it was good. It was good, but it's not my favorite season. What's your favorite?

I think season two would be my favorite season. When he goes into the White House, right? That's, it's the kind of leading up to, to that happening. Nice. Yeah. It's such a good show. It's such a great show. God.

But imagine how hard it is to write that many episodes and make it interesting. It's tough. Two people coming back. I know. It's tough. There's things that I thought, you know, I think we said it on this show, I was such a big fan of the killing. Oh yeah.

So good. Not the guy who played the, the co-lead of that series in this season of House of Cards. The Swedish guy. Terrible casting. I know. It's not him. Terrible. I mean, he's so not believable.

Yeah. As the, the candidate. He's too young. He's too young, even his, you know, and this is an acting thing too, but his body movement isn't consistent with somebody in that role. The way he moves, he still moves like the detective. Yeah. Cause that's more how he is.

That's how he is. Yeah. The way he's, the way he like throws his shoulders and, and, and has conversations. It's just, it's so not believable that that's a presidential nominee. Yeah. He's a great actor. He is a great actor, but I don't buy him in there. I don't either.

Yeah. I'm glad. I'm glad. I like, we finished House of Cards. I'm so bummed that we have to find another series. Better Call Saul. We're still working through that. That's a great show.

That's, that is by far my favorite show on TV is Better Call Saul. Yeah. I don't watch much mini series, but I just love that character so much. Yeah. Yeah. God. It's so good. I love when he, when he does a slip and jimmy stuff and he, it's such a well written

show. Yeah. And actually, actually, I think it, I would go as far as to say that the show is so well done that it even, it even speaks to how somebody changes in life. When you meet somebody and you're like, where did, how did this, how did this person change this way? Right. And you realize that it's not overnight.

It's through a series of events. It's gradual. Yeah. Yeah. And why that's what that show shows you is that somebody's character can change over time. Yeah. By circumstances.

That or just or becoming more fully who he is. Or yeah. Right. And the audience kind of forces you to be the person who you are, inherently are. He's kind of a shitbag. Right. And the establishment doesn't like him and he keeps getting spit out again and again, which is so fucking great.

Very true. Uh, that. And then we, we discovered Shark Bites, the new video game we've been playing, Shark Bites. Yeah. That's a, what's it really called though? I don't even know. Uh, Shark, Hungry Shark Evolution.

It's a good game. Yeah. I've been playing a few other ones too. Oh yeah. I saw that. I saw that on the Apple TV. Sitting bed. You can do it all with one remote.

It's the best. Watch a movie and you can play a game. Yeah. Yeah. I bet I got jet pack and I got another one. Real fun. What? Yeah.

Yeah. I don't remember the name. I suck at all these games. I'm terrible. But I like the Shark Bites. I like to eat people. That's my favorite. When you eat the person they scream and they go, I like when you swim underneath and you

press the button to make them swim fast. Yeah. And so they leave the water with a body in their mouth. That's fun. Yeah. I'm either, I'm sure there are serial killer games where you can murder people. No. Eat them and stuff.

I don't think so. Oh, there should be like a Jeffrey Dahmer game. You would love that. I'm writing a cartoon about it. Yeah. Yeah. I want to do an animated series about it. It's a great idea.

Yeah. You can stalk the woman and then cut her up and how do you hide the body and stuff like that. It's a great game for you. Yep. All right. Should we try the house one more time or no? Yeah.

Try it. Should try calling on our cell. We'll try it on our cell. Let's see what she... Let's try it. Let's see. We're going to try to see if we can get Charo on the phone and see if she'll be interested in hearing this story about my dad shitting in his pants and wearing them the next day.

She's not going to answer. No. Can I tell you something? Yeah. I feel like my dad warned her. Oh. I feel like he warned her. You think so?

He doesn't get in trouble? Mm-hmm. Fuck. I feel like he warned her. He ratted us out. He told me she's not going to be home for another 40 minutes. Right. It's weird.

Yeah, but your mother never answers your phone. You know that. You always have a hard time getting ahold of it. That's true. All right. Well, I think we should wrap up the episode. Oh, okay. Right?

Oh, yeah. Oh, it's finally here. People have asked us for a long time. We now have a P.O. Box. Oh, my goodness. We have a P.O. Box.

And you can ship something to us if you have something for us. The only thing I have to make very clear is this. The package must say your mom's house or your mom's house podcast. Don't put Tom or Christina on it. Or mommies or anything silly. Just say. And the reason they can't say our names is because blue bands got pick up our package. So anyways, it just makes life easier.

Just say your mom says that's how it's registered. Here's the address. If you want to send something, 321 North Pass Avenue, number 44 or P.O. Box, P.O. Sweet number 44. Oh, sweet number 44, 321 North Pass Avenue. That's P.A.S.S. Avenue, sweet 44, Burbank, California, 911505. Yes, please and thank you.

And also we want to point out that we are launching our Patreon page June 1st. That's going to get you extra bonus content, inside access, behind the scenes stuff that we don't have on the show or on our regular page. But the bonus content will be a big thing. And it helps support the show. It helps support having a full-time producer on the show. And if you'll consider doing it, it'll be a huge help. So that's Patreon.

It launches June 1st in a couple of weeks. We're building some bonus content to have there for you. And you can basically just contribute what you want on a monthly basis and every bit helps. Yeah, it's spelled P-A-T-R-E-O-N, Patreon. And we're going with June 1 launch. June 1. And I'm going to do one for That's Deep Bro as well, because I would love to be able

to video record and have a producer on that show. So that would really help. Cool, man. Yeah. All right. This guy, Ollie, he's been really killing it with the song submissions. Do you remember his last name? Isn't it Move?

Something with an M. Something with an M. All right. Something with an M. Sorry, Ollie. We'll get it right next time. I just have it in here as just Ollie, but here is the Puerto Rico Mami remix from Ollie. And we'll leave you with this and Jeans or anything else. No, I love you guys.

Thanks for listening. Thanks for listening to the show. Thanks for watching on YouTube. And that's it. Bye-bye. See you next week. I'm really scared because I'm afraid that a crocodile is going to jump out of the water and try and bite me.