Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 344-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: May 18, 2016

Did Bunz touch the sacred spot with Tina only mere feet away? JEANS. Which Braxton are you today? Is it the one that's DATING Birdman? WUUUUUT. Tom's awesome jacket is way cooler than Tina's art teacher jacket. Have you seen it? No, seriously, have you? The master of accents becomes even more masterful in this one. PLUS, was Hitler THAT bad?  Would You Rather's, Fan Mail, Seagal, Butt hair and MORE!

Make my nips off, make my nips off, make my nips off It's one of those songs that starts with banter between the piano player and the guy on the mic Make my nips off, make my nips off Make my nips off, make my nips off, make my nips off Make my nips off, make my nips off Make my nips off, make my nips off, make my nips off Make my nips off, make my nips off Make my nips off, make my nips off, make my nips off

Make my nips off, make my nips off, make my nips off Make my nips off, make my nips off, make my nips off Make my nips off, make my nips off, make my nips off Make my nips off, make my nips off, make my nips off Make my nips off, make my nips off, make my nips off Make my nips off, make my nips off, make my nips off Make my nips off, make my nips off Make my nips off, make my nips off, make my nips off, make my nips off, make my nips off, make my nips off

Hit thebehinds.com, click on the banner, click it, the home page and do your shopping as you normally would There you go! and help us. That's how it helps our show It's like the best way to support your mom's house and it's what you're going to buy anyways That's the truth of it I know, it's fantastic I masturbated, and I didn't even know you were in the room I know how weird and apropos of this show

Well because we took a shower together and I was toning your kibbles and bits, and I And I was like, I don't know if we have time to really get one in or what not You didn't even suggest that But I was thinking it in my head, I go, I don't know if we have time I try to get you to participate in the shower and you're like, I gotta go In the shower, who really fucks in the shower? Adults? Cool kids

My bones are all out of whack now Anyways, I wasn't sure with Blue Band Now I'm talking again But you see what I'm trying to do? I'm just trying to set it up and it starts playing I'm just trying to like place it I wasn't sure when Blue Band would come over And I didn't know if we had time there, that's the story So then you got out of the shower

Well I saw you go in the closet And then I saw you come out And then I was like, first actually I didn't know if you were in the closet or not, and then I was like, oh she's not in there I didn't hear any noise, so I was like Oh there's no one in the room, I'll crank one out And then I did And then

Stuff happened No, and then I was like And I was like, you want to do it now? Let's do it, we got a few minutes And what happened? Did I say it like that? No you went, I already did it He got a stiff dick

And went after her I tried to have marital Catholic love with you And you spilled your seed carelessly in the shower Yep, that's true You know when I was thinking to myself I was like, dude, he's taking a really long shower And it's not like you First of all, you don't really clean anything

You go in, you blow your nose You shake around like a dog And then you get out I was extra quiet I should have been more I should have done that But I was actually like I thought you might have been walking around

Yeah, and that didn't deter you whatsoever Well, I turned myself away from the It's a very It's not the ideal bathroom for masturbating No, no Because there's no door between the bedroom and the shower And especially once Ella starts walking I'm sure he's going to want to see you

We got time, okay Walking in on your dad, cranking one Is there anything more scarring than your dad Everyone's seen their dad masturbate Nope That might be the only thing I haven't seen Then your parents used to like Not really be big on clothes though

When you were really young Yeah, well, we're European It was naked all the time Everybody was nude No, I saw my mom naked all the time All the time My dad naked all the time I had a friend come over when I was like 11

And she was like Your dad's naked, I'm like, oh, yeah Dad could put on something, there's a friend He's like, oh, okay, why He first went, why? Wait, where would he be naked? In the backyard And he liked to sunbathe

Nude, that was what he was doing He was naked in the backyard, I should preface it by saying And whoever was over Whatever girlfriend they're naked in the backyard Just sunbathing, that was very natural And that doesn't strike you now as really bizarre though? No, because Because when you grow up with naked parents

No, no, but now you have perspective No, if Ella saw me nude If I don't think I'd give a shit I still don't think so I don't care, it's not sexual We're European, babe Europeans are just naked Only Americans are uptight about

Nudity Okay, if you're European Write in and let us know that it's normal That everybody's naked They're not gonna tell you it's normal What about my dad drinking a 12 or every night? Do you think it's normal for a man To be nude around 10 and 11 year olds

And then you go put on some clothes And he's like, why? That's the thing is that I had to tell my dad That that wasn't appropriate in America That you can't just be naked in the backyard Why isn't it appropriate anywhere else though? I don't think it is I think it's a Hungarian thing

Maybe, yeah, maybe But then he started putting on Like bottoms when people were over And then eventually I became a teenager And then he covered up, yeah But when I became a teenager he stopped But you're 10 and 11 Nude

Walking around the house nude Yes, everybody My family, yes, my mother was naked All the time Tops and bottoms I've seen my mom, her vagina A ton of times All the time

It was normal, babe, my mom had big Soggy hangers But that's topless, you said nude Yes, she came out of the shower Like we get ready for And then my mom would run through the house And go to the kitchen naked to grab something As she was coming out of the shower

It wasn't like we were nudists But if somebody took a shower And had to grab something in another part of the house They just walked around Well, you never saw anybody, Charo? No Top dog? I've seen a masturbate, of course

But that's like a very common bonding thing For most fathers and sons You've seen your dad's nuts and dick Yeah, but not a lot And not on accident Like walking in He's changing But not with any regularity

Ever It's constant People just walked around It wasn't like a lifestyle You actually have another person in the room He grew up normal Yeah, we're trying to establish What's normal right now

Both Israeli parents Israelis are nudists, aren't they? Nope See, the more I'm learning That my childhood was way fucked up I didn't realize until I'm 40 years old Great What's your vote?

I've seen my dad's balls But I've not walked in on him drinking How about the idea of just nudity Just kind of being normal Yeah, that's weird Jews are funny Well, I don't... If Ellis walks in on me changing

No, of course not But that's different You don't see the difference It's walking in on you changing And you being like, I'm just laying around with my dick out Is your friend over here? You're 10 What's up? I never thought of it that way

It was so normal Yeah, it must have really been normal to you It wasn't like erotic It didn't feel sexy I didn't think you thought it felt sexy It's my dad I like how you take it there It felt sexy

It's wrong with you My dad also taught me to shoot guns in the backyard That's normal Yes, of course Just checking Were you allowed to drink beer as a child? No Probably way before certain

Super conservative families I had sips of stuff young But I was allowed to drink Have a drink in the house With dinner Probably by the time I was in high school See, that's good, that's normal I think that's good

Not like you're 11 Here's a glass of whiskey I was 10 when I had my first sip of whiskey It was a sip and I was like, I think I'm gonna throw up I couldn't believe people liked it Who's this guy? Is that Beckham? This is David Beckham And he's talking to DJ Khaled

I'm one of your DJ friends I want his jewelry so badly You can, you can get on Amazon You called this album an uppercut and a knockout And I always wonder when you say these things Who are you fighting? When you called us a victory, who did you defeat? The fuck boys

Am I supposed to eat the wing now? You can answer the question, you can eat the wing It's not the Olympics here But yeah, the fuck boys Give us roadblocks Those wings look good I know me too Who are fuck boys?

What makes somebody a fuck boy? Good question Is this a better word for hater? Mad people Bums Losers, garbage Like a piece of shit I like this guy

I like that There's probably no worse premise than eating as you're talking But that's also the hook of it And they eat increasingly hotter wings Oh, that's silly It's just gross to watch him Yeah, I know, and hearing that, right?

Yeah, it's like listening to Biggie Small's rap He was always chewing No, it's true He always sounded like he was eating That was just the fat of his mouth I'm so fucking fat But anyway, fuck boy I think that's a loose definition

I still think it's in reference to homosexuals Well, but it's actually encompassing I think it's fair to encompass everything Loser Are you saying it more now? I forgot, fuck boy Hopefully we can say it more You know what? I'm going to make a note of that

At the comedy store this Saturday I'm going to incorporate the word fuck boy BOI To be gender control Yeah, you don't want to Is it non-binary fuck boy or is it binary? That's another great point Maybe there's your bit

Right there, maybe that's the whole new bit How should I be spelling fuck boy? BOI Or BOI I think BOI is the way to go Wait a minute, but boys Are women that I identify masculine I would say it's F-U-C-C-B-O-I

F-U-C-C F-U-C-C Yeah Yeah Yeah Motherfucker That's how you should say fuck boy You're so handsome

I do love you some days I wish you would have done it with me today I know, I wanted to But I was I was busy by myself Do you make those noises? Sometimes Really?

I was real quiet though Were you thinking about Rihanna And were you like stay up off my Instagram I was like thinking about Sex with Rihanna must be amazing You mean you don't masturbate to your wife What? Yeah I was like

My wife, my wife, my wife Thank you You know there are women dumb enough That they think that Can I have a cup of diarrhea please People have been tweeting What's in the cup, it looks like diarrhea Well it's dog diarrhea

And it's excellent You know it's because we microwave it We reheat it and then it explodes in the microwave That's not why it looks like that It looks like diarrhea, yeah It's not microwaved Not this particular cup, but mine often is Oh, okay

And then it looks like it's splattered diarrhea I thought you meant the color You mean sometimes it's just splattered Yeah, because I heat it too much That's a weird thing about you Weird thing about you You hate hot food And you'll microwave that shit out of coffee

And it'll be so hot I like hot coffee, that's the only thing I like hot It's so bizarre So bizarre And you're always walking around with your tits out in front of our child I am, he's gonna see him He could be like mom You don't think he's gonna see dad's dick?

Dad's dick That's a great title for your next special Didn't we come up with a good one for you? Dad's dicks? No, remember, right before you left the other day Something about my tits? Yeah, sloppers central or something Something sloppers

My tits are ruined Yeah, they're not ruined Anyways, what else are we gonna talk about? The Americans, we got into that show Americans is great A lot of wonderful, it's not Americans It's the Americans Americans is real good

It's really something to find a show you can buy into That's really well done Yeah, I'm really into it Highly recommend, obviously a lot of people have watched it This is the new way I think of watching shows It's no longer about Watching a show as it airs all the time No

Everyone's gonna have the few they do that with It's what are you gonna watch over time And buy into Not to be, you know, really high quality Because it's so competitive Shows are so good Americans, we're nine episodes in First season, season one

I think there's five seasons It's phenomenal It's really good The premise, so people understand Is Russian spies That are living here Under deep cover During the 80s, during the height of the Cold War

And they are basically Trying to They're giving the image that they're Americans Right, while they're Acting for the KGB And it's Man, but the thing is That alone is a good premise

So well layered, the show is You know, with Well, because they're supposed to be married Partners, KGB Partners and not be romantically linked But they've been together for so long and they have two kids Like, do we become romantically involved Do we trust each other

There's that back and forth FBI, their storyline So neat And some of it, I think Historically accurate Some of it is, yeah Dead drops and all that cool stuff I love that KGB crap

When I visited the Berlin Wall and they have Museums Checkpoint Charlie You can see how people snuck in That was, you went, it's in Berlin Were people wearing clothes or I know they're Europeans, they were naked You see a lot of dicks and tits out there

East Berlin, no, west, yes Mostly nude And they were like, we're European Yeah, well yeah, yeah, yeah When you've ever been to like a European bathhouse, they're all naked I've, no, I've been to Europe But you never went to a bathhouse where people go And then you just sit around your dicks out

I went to a semester of school In Madrid You can be topless, speech, most of Europe You can be topless That's not a big deal, tits out Nudity is a little more forgiving In Spain, where I remember we watched The House Hunters

International I'm always blown away by it When they go like, well We are We're married and we have, we live in Connecticut We have three children Yeah, eight, eleven and four And they're in school, we always kind of wanted

To experience Spain So we're moving there And you're like, wait what? And then it's like kids We're going to Mallorca I don't want to go to Mallorca I want to see my friends Not anymore, you don't

I don't even speak Spanish You'll learn, you're young enough to pick it up Right, but in five years, right So brutal, could you imagine doing anything Worse to small children? We're going to rip you out from your friends One kid was young enough in that family Where a kid doesn't know what's going on

The other two were like I don't like Hamon Serano I want to go back Of course they do And the parents were like, they love it And it's like a small Outskirt village too It's not even like a city

What a nightmare I couldn't believe how expensive that was $3 million to renovate $3 million, god damn It's nice there in Mallorca But it's expensive The Euro is pretty good there I'm not like hungry, it's a little worse

I don't know It was an amazing amount of money they spent Could you imagine It took two years to renovate They thought they were going to be all in there And it was nearly two years I have no interest in renovating Anything

What do you want to renovate I would want to I have a fantasy of buying A modest home And then doing the major reno Seriously? Yeah, I thought it would be fun Tearing it down and starting Obviously there's different levels of commitment

At that point and money What a nightmare The thing is LA is so crazy for a housing market That you know you got to do You have to do something out of the You know Can I tell you why no Just imagine the chaos

You know when you have movers Remember when you were packing And you had movers come in when you were packing And the stress of workers Every day But I think the way to do it would be It's like they did on that show You're in the house that you're renting

You rent a place And you buy the other place And you start doing the work as you live in your rental Yeah You end up getting into a place That you really love That's true, yeah, you can custom it We'll do that one day when we have

Millions and millions That's the thing is in most parts of the country You could do that Without millions and millions In LA you have to It's a fantasy They're literally our Parts in here, we just saw online

This house that was for sale And then the ad For the house Tear this down And build a house And the house Was $2.3 million So they're saying spend

$2.3 to not live there Just for land Tear this piece of shit down They even try to sell you And they're like look this house sucks But it's a great property Then spend your money on top of that See but if you have that kind of cash

You're saying buy something That's bad and not Or you could make something It all sounds like a nightmare I have no patience for Building things You said your name was Patreon I ain't got no patience

Patreon Patreon Put that down You sound just like a black mom when you said Patreon That was really good Patreon Put that shit down So speaking of Patreon

We're starting our Patreon June 1st Just so people know Nothing will change about this show Same shit, different toilet So all we're doing is Extra added bonus content Added access

More stuff at Patreon It launches June 1st And we've already done our first Patreon Bonus episode You guys are going to hear all about my brand new Tennis lessons With my Eastern blocky

Coach, it's really cool What else do we talk about? We answered questions We answered personal questions We answered questions about the show That you guys emailed in So if you want to know some behind the scenes stuff Get on our...

Patreon You make a small donation It's like a monthly contribution You're going to be... Even things that people can win Not win You can get an art The Tom Segura art club

Oh, the art club You get a piece of art that I Create If you haven't seen what I'm capable of If you go on my Instagram You can see one of my original works So there'll be stuff like that It's going to be great, we're excited about it

By the way You're well known for your art teacher jacket Okay Somebody actually found That if you keep that jacket on Long enough How... What you're going to be wearing and doing

In the future Devoted to the rainbow sponge Oh my god, I'm so excited Arts and crafts department sent me to Korea Now, not a normal sponge This is so dense Three sizes because I can't stand Just one size

Another thing that I want to talk about Is the hygiene Of the sponge I squeezed and squeezed And squeezed and squeezed No flab on this arm My cleaning flab on this arm I love her so much

Of course you love her I want to be happy like that How do you get that happy You wear that jacket longer Wear your jacket I want her to be my mom Why can't my mom be nice like that lady Because I'm stoked about sponges and colors

And shit You asked for it Incredible or what Calm down D Earth tone Look at that Is this fun What

She's a great spokesperson for this She gets so stoked on this She has your jacket It's the jacket that makes people happy Will you get involved in stuff like this Do you understand I want to Of course, and you can wear your jacket And make your little sponge stuff

I'm fucking stoked, I love it She's so happy Can we see more Can we play that again That was so happy On a card Everything heavy Yes

Yes Let's stamp it out Oh my gosh Now think, go this way Oh my gosh Oh my gosh Look at that time And then

This was one night that I did not sleep It was so hard I love her I love it I love her so much Can I say that I get super excited about colors too Like that I love artwork like that

I love colors too I get excited You know what it brought Also To Our attention You are obviously known for Your art teacher jacket

Somebody wrote in Oh god To the show No, it's going to surprise you They said It's upsetting Because you know how emotional I'm going to get about this

Let me show you I want people to be able to see Who are watching on YouTube This is what we did Not safe with Nikki Glazer Look how nice that is Somebody wrote in

Jeans, where did Tommy Get this jacket from What brand is it This is the greatest jacket I have ever seen Much better than Tina's art teacher jacket I must have it Keep them high and tight Lots of love from mom born on mom's trail

I love It's mom born Sorry, I love mom born Tommy, you are going to get emotional Months actually Here's what happened I I've

I've always wanted A nice leather jacket Never bought one Not too long ago I think it was December November December I bought the jacket you are seeing In this

It was the most expensive jacket I've ever bought And that was 50 50% off Even with 50% off The most I've ever spent I justified it

You've never gotten a jacket like that Go ahead and buy that jacket There is something about jackets That are different than other articles Of clothing where they start to feel Like they are part of you They envelope you They envelope you but it becomes

Part of your personality The jacket becomes synonymous with you This jacket fit like a glove Man I absolutely loved this jacket And From the day we moved here I haven't

Found the jacket You mean you lost it? I think I did lose it but I wasn't sure If you loved it you would have kept a better eye on it It's a really horrible thing to say to me right now Remember softy That's the pathetic where you then You're a jerk

Maybe you should have sewn your name Into the tag I hate you so much This jacket Man My whole shrink session last week Was about this jacket That's all I talked about was about losing this jacket

Yeah it's very traumatic I haven't I've called hotels I just can't fucking figure it out It just bothers me that it's gone We shot this Is this the last time you wore that? I don't know man

We shot this Like a month before we moved I don't know if it was a month before It would get down to the details Certain things I know that happened Where I had the jacket I know when I got my photos taken I had the jacket for that

I know that the jacket wasn't left there I checked with her I know that obviously I had it for this I know that I had it I had a couple local gigs I remember leaving with it It's gone

But it fucking irritates the shit out of me Let me tell you something Your shrink said this to you too Jacket karma You lose a jacket and you're going to gain An even better jacket You're going to go to the same store You're going to find an even better deal

Bumps me out I know you have to let it go You've got to let it go Tom Look at that fucking jacket Can I tell you what I really noticed Not so much this but the hair looks great That haircut Is that Alan? He did that right before

This is the right length for you I look like a fucking fat dog shit But you look amazing I've just given birth weeks before You did not look like a fat dog shit I've aged a thousand years And this is nice The collar

The cut really nice Can I tell you what It's not nice because it's too shiny for camera You look like you're about to hop on a motorcycle I got that when I bought my motorcycle Are you Dean Delray? Listen man You just got to let it go

Sometimes you lose shit and you know But you understand the bummer I've lost softy Remember my childhood pillow I stayed on the road and then one time I left softy behind and you still like To remind me about it You got one we're in bed sometimes

Kind of getting Settled in You remember when you left softy behind And you'll get really upset with me I didn't mean to leave her behind It was an early flight that morning That was your favorite soft pillow I've had it since I was a child

Lost softy That is irreplaceable My strength told me Think of your jacket like Like you were saying Somebody who could not buy That jacket just found it And now you gave it to him

How does that make you feel And I go As long as I don't see it And she goes I'm sorry It's a fine fantasy I can live with I don't see it But if I saw somebody wearing my jacket

I would be like give me my fucking jacket back Of course, it doesn't feel good I go I actually had a fantasy That somebody Tried to alter the jacket And then I took a knife and I cut The jacket up in front of them And she was like okay

Let's talk about That's real good that you're talking about your honest Horrible impulses though That's huge Like when I told her I'm only If I'm suffering I like it when you suffer too She was like that's really bad But I'm glad you shared that

Because when you can get rid of that impulse in me If I'm unhappy you should be unhappy That's not That's normal babe That's not normal Nothing's about that Well I'm sorry There's going to be a great resolution

To your lost jacket I need some time And first of all even if you get it replaced It's not going to be the same It's never going to be I already bought a replacement jacket Where is it? Is it the same?

It's similar but it's not the same You gotta let it burn I need a jacket You gotta work, work, work We are the questions and you'll see We are not like an ordinary family We're just a one country A family

We'll lead to a thing or two A Brass and Family Values This is good This is going to blow your panties Right off I know, I know But first, which brass are you today?

Good question I am It's a good question I'm feeling hungry So I guess Tracy You're definitely Tracy Yeah But I am planning my exercise

So that's kind of more of a Tawanda thing Yeah I'm feeling like Tawanda today I feel like I'm taking care of my kids I got my shit right Tawanda's got her life together She's got her life I think Tawanda's got her life together more than any of the other brass You think so?

She's got a past I think she got caught, Theven Theven, let's talk No, there was a cop police mugshot of her But she doesn't do that stuff anymore Tawanda's a good girl Well, what do you think of this? I know, I know

Are you kidding me right now? What the fuck, Tony? That Tony The The real star of the Braxton clan No Tamar, I'd argue that Tamar is really the breakout No, no, no, this is legendary Right, but Tamar is really popular right now

Dude, are we really going to have this conversation? That you're comparing Tamar to Tony Braxton? Not in talent, but I'm saying in terms of popularity Well, okay, maybe She's very popular, I'll give you that But by far the most No, I know Tony Braxton, there's no comparison

Tony Braxton, I sing just like Sophisticated Grammy award winning The real deal from the Braxton clan is Tony And the rumor is that she and Birdman Are dating That's crazier and shit

And nobody like Nobody would suspect that Tony would be into Superthug right here, but This whole facial tattoo stuff is out of control It's real crazy, man She seems classier than the Birdman That's my point It's alarming

Beyond alarming Like I can see here with Babyface She's always talking about him and they work together Babyface I don't know if it's Someone's saying here that did Tony just confirm Birdman is her man? Damn

They've allegedly been dating for months Oh my god Oh my god Are you sad? It's just, it's very strange to me Yeah, it's weird I mean I can see that it can happen, but It's very strange

48 year old has been spending time with Birdman On Sunday he was seen getting cozy This is like a week ago at her Grammy performance in Brooklyn Oh They were sealed off, I guess they did a song years ago Are they done? Maybe, yeah, I don't know

I don't know It's just I would never think that Those two would be a couple Especially when you watch that show You see how she is, you don't see her But you know maybe he's like one of those guys Who

You know Every thug has a soft heart, man That's true, Tom You don't know the Birdman can be very sensitive Yeah You don't know that You don't know if he just does all this Shit talking

When he has a lot of people around Or the cameras But at home he's a He's a real sweet bird You never know This is what I think they talked about it on Maybe on the Breakfast Club

Let's see if they break it down for us I love that movie Okay Let's see what she says I don't know if y'all saw this, but They're saying that Tony Braxton is dating Birdman I've seen it And that they've been dating for quite some time now

And it's been under wraps But they just recently were together I'll put some respect on that You know what I mean? Suited Colbert's band last night too I don't know this, alright But I thought it was a little more insight than that I'm just shocked having, like I said

You see the way that she is Doesn't seem like a match, but you know sometimes You can't predict Well look, sometimes the good girl likes the thug If you look at Whitney Houston And what's his name Bobby Brown Christina Bobby

This dude is so much more thug than that For real though, well yeah, he's got facial tattoos Not just that man, this is the real thug He's a real OT Look, he's a CEO, he's worth $150 million Yeah, that's why That makes up for a lot Thuggery, eh?

But I mean, you can't compare Bobby Brown Bobby Brown was just, you know The guy that was drinking and smoking And showing up late, that kind of He's not like a thug This guy has, you know, will come in with Eight dudes and kick your fucking door down Shit might go down

Yeah, they'll cry about it I feel like he's already upset Let it cry, baby Y'all finished or y'all done? Kind of I don't know, I thought that was pretty But they like the thugs, the good girls like the thugs And Tony is so disciplined

And so straight You know, she takes care of her kids Did you like the thugs? You're a good girl Yeah, in high school Only in high school, I had a boyfriend That had a competition with his best friend To see how long they could go without showering And that was the only extent of it

That's a bad boy to you? He was pretty gross No, you know No, I liked people that treated me kindly I didn't like bad boy shit I don't need that I don't have time for that Ain't nobody got time for that

Ain't nobody got time for that Real quick, we got this Email here, I want to read Hey Hitler I recently saw Tom's performance And Jack me off, Phil It was even better than I expected And shout out to Pat House

That was hilarious I am a huge fan of the Mommy Podcast And it's the only thing that keeps me saying When I'm staring at paperwork every work day At the show, I was sitting In the front row And at one point, Tom pointed to me and asked me How my year was going

I replied that I was wearing them high in type But he didn't seem to want to bring up the podcast You guys are awesome I will always be looking forward to seeing your act My question is, how do you feel About the crowd yelling out The only things true mommies would know about P.S., I'd be honored if you brought this up

P.S., I'm also probably And by But are you non-binary You're not being respectful Of the pronouns She, they They and them will not appreciate it Look man, first of all

Always appreciate Our fans that listen to the show That come the shows People yell stuff out, it's fine The only thing I always try to I think most people understand this Is that when you go to a stand-up show You're at a stand-up show

So just don't expect that that will be An extension Or representative of the podcast Because it's just two different things People yell Stuff out from the show Hey Hitler, you got my pussy talking to me All these things from the podcast

And So it's just The narrative somebody expects that the Show Like the stand-up show will be about The podcast You're at a stand-up performance I don't mind it, like when I go up

When I'm walking up to stage, I like it When they're like, hey Hitler, and then It lets me know that there's mommies But then there's like one time where I was about halfway through my set And a drunk mommie was like Just yelling out all of our sayings Top dog!

But what do you expect to Happen though? I don't know It's okay In moderation I think It's fine to be excited That's my point, the stand-up Is just about

It's not about the podcast We can't stop what we're doing And then just rattle off sayings from the show Because there are people in the audience that also don't listen to your mouth And they're like But it's different if you go to a live podcast Obviously Then obviously we'll address things

That are about the podcast Because people in the middle of my set Will be like, show me how those big tits fart And I gotta explain this to the other half I don't remember That this guy's interaction I remember like a month ago I was somewhere and this guy goes

Crazy loaks And I go And he's like, crazy loaks And I go, what about him? And I go, what do you want me to do right now? Yeah, weird beard And then do you understand that There's like 350 people at the show

So now you want me to Like, I have to Put it in context for everybody You want me to do the whole For them to understand who that is I would have to really spend 10 minutes Just giving the idea

Of who that is to support Explain it like, dude This time I tried explaining that Would you rather be retarded Or get jerked off by your grandfather In the Ferris wheel The audience was not keen Really half of them was like

Shit, I gotta dig out of this hole But it's because people that listen to this show When you say something like that Context is there That's why a live podcast Where you're talking about podcast up Is gonna be much easier to navigate I'm just

Really unrelated, but What kind of bear do you think you are? What? I'm looking at your beard And I'm seeing all kinds of colors And I'm thinking Are you grizzly? Are you polar?

Are you a brown bear? Wow, that was a real good joke You did right there I'm sure someone said it too But it's appropriate A bipolar bear? A poly and bi-bear I'm a bi-poly bear

That's it You nailed it There's no need to have a discussion anymore Grizzly or panda There's pandas too Yeah, they're so cute Eating bamboo You could be a panda

I feel like with all the brown I gotta be a brown bear I make so much brown Guys, write in I don't know which bear Tom is Just tweet at him Let him know If you're gay and you're in the bear community

Do they have that in the bear community? Different types of bears Or just strict bear cub I don't know Why are you asking me? Because you have a huge fan base that's bear They don't tell me what the details are They just post on my

Instagram account I love it so much Do you have a bear following? Give me a fine one I'd love to I'll show you I'd say you're a grizzly though Because you do shit a lot in the woods

And you eat salmon out of the river And you know You're more feral Okay Mommy's listening to this week's podcast Feeling inspired Why stop with giving just tour city better names Mommy's need upgraded monikers

Tom Segura Could be cum shitpura Wow Wow Or cherry bomb shitsmyra And Tina could be Chastina Pushitsky Good

And Crustina Floptidis And Kuntina Wipe shit please Jeez What talented listeners we have Are able to keep it high and tight With some names like that By Hitler Charlie

Thanks Charlie that was really good Inspiring It's a very Very sort of binary suggestion Where's the Do you want to hear the ultimate vocal fry guy? Yeah I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I