Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 345-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: May 25, 2016

Morning news is the best. It opens the doors to grown up jokes about "Salad Tossing" (with real salads!) PLUS DJ Dad Mouth gets to muck around and have some fun! If you're gonna talk that ISH before you arm-wrestle, make sure you, you know, WIN.  Unbelievably, the girl who was defending Hitler on YouTube was kicked off for HATE speech. Weird that YouTube doesn't know that Hitler watches YouTube all day.  This episode is completely non-binary so please use proper pronouns. It's not a preference, it's a REQUIREMENT. 

Ponder ponder ponder What is that? How do you not know that song yet because I'm I have I don't have the musical taste of the seventh grader Okay, do you listen to Gwen Stefani to? Do you hear that? Yeah, that sounds terrible. What is that? I don't know but it happened when I did that steep roll last week Oh, then it's probably this Cable. Oh, there you go It's fine right now, right? Oh, yeah, I

Hate fucking cable issues You feel bad for me. Yeah Don't hate stuff. I Got brought in Atlanta So check it out. Yo Who sings that is that Drake designer designer. Yeah, God. You're such a seventh grade girl Are you gonna go to the mall later with your friends? Everyone's gonna bake

I get a crump your hair Gonna get a slumber party. Yeah June it's my birthday month. No one cares about that June 9 10 11. I'm an Irvine spurt your eye and you sperm vine California at the improv Five shows come on out then the next weekend June 16 17 and 18 your smurf day. Yeah, I'm in Gashville, Tennessee At Xanny's West Nutsack, New York That'll be June 23rd

24th and 25th July 7 spit since Natty Ohio spit on Spit since spit sit and spin Natty sit and spin Natty Hey, that's where I had the Cincinnati fart. Are you gonna go and commemorate? You don't even want to go make a video paying pilgrimage An homage July 14th through 16 man Diego, California. Yeah American comedy company. Yeah, and then July 21st through 23rd

St. Judith's Missouri Where's Jew dork titties warns that one? Oh, that's not till September. I have Baltimore and come on me more and Come lumbus Ohio What what do we do for Oxnard? That's a new one. That's that's already got some Nards. Oh, yeah, Oxnard's Oxnard Dude she went to that door though. No, no, she went to sniff the trash can looking for things to do

She's bored. All right, um, Jew dork titties is not till September 8th I'm doing Lexington, Kentucky as well. That's not on sale yet. I'm not supposed to announce that Shit fucked up Philadelphia fill her up Delphia fill her Alphea We added a show in November that's slut sington. That's good, but my Philly show added so you can Buy that now for November 18th is 19th. So this music is too mellow Well, I mean, I'm not just thank you Brian for making thank you Brian

But it's like for a sweet love-making times who says this isn't a love-making show That's what most of the focus of this show is everyone. Everyone does when they listen. Yeah, this is a married couple they talk about How to effectively make love Um guys May 27th May 28th. That's this weekend. I'm at the little Hawaii comedy store with Matt full-shron Yep, that's how Matt's gonna open the show He's gonna come on everybody who's there and tell him you're a mommy and he'll come on I'm mixing up the love-making music

See what you're doing brilliant Also, I'm working on dates for Cities like Portland. Oh, I'm working on Seattle Houston You'll see Dallas the last it's coming the last Just hold your panties. It's almost ready Also, if I'm I'm usually the comedy store every Saturday The 730 show but not the same me not the side because I'll be in La Jolla the other comedy store

But come come to that early show It's been full of mommies every weekend on Saturday and it's been so fun That's what's up, and I'm usually in the hallways You can say hi to me and and you'll see it like all the famous comedians. Everybody's there. Yeah, that's great Oh, listen to that steep row, please Please if you you know if you want and then use our Amazon banner to do your shopping Go to your mom's house podcast calm click on the banner at the bottom of the home page Do your shopping as you normally would and it just kicks back some change to the show

Thank you for everybody. That's already been doing that. We really appreciate it Yes, and we see it you buy printers you buy lube you buy socks you buy everything Don't tell them that nobody wants to know that's exactly what the email said but but we don't see who buys it So we don't see who buys it, but we're saying we see items that are purchased through our banner Yeah, we're saying keep buying that a lot of lube a lot of Lou. Yeah, it's so funny. There's a lot of dry pussies Or dry hands or assholes or assholes, that's true How do you say? Because we have a lot of bears that listen

Do we move a huge bear community? How do you know that? Judging by your fan mail Babe, I don't get a bunch of bear fan mail. Yes, you do Yeah, no, I know if we convert a quarter of that fan mail to your mom's house listenerships. Oh my goodness Babe, you're a huge in the bear community. How many bears only tours have you done? Yeah, seriously, what are you gonna do bears only for real bears only what do you mean? It just do shows tailored to the Bay the gay bear market look man I just all I got to see is that check, you know if you guys hire me. I'll come to your bear your bear show

Yeah, you know fucking when's the retarded act coming? I Know you want me to tour as a retarded retarded retarded comic so I'm just saying that there's a market out there that's not been tapped into and I think that retarded people need to laugh too Okay, babe Ready to get this going Oh We should mention there's no cameras rolling. Oh

Right blue band got sick. I know I did that thing where what people do when they they want permission to be sick You know, I know which I've done that too and it's and then I've gotten other people sick by doing that He was like I'm not feeling so good, but I'll be there. I was like no No, no All right Feel better blue band feel better blue band his little his feathers are sick and yeah to stay in his In his nest nest and just kind of drink warm warm tea and yeah, he's nuzzled up in his nest other birds

Poor blue bad. All right, here we go Hi, how are you? Join us Jason car coming down to enjoy some salad. I might be you have must you have been very impressive Kelly You get Jason out here. You love everybody wants a yoga girl, right Jason. That's right And I know you want me to toss your salad too, don't you? This is Don't bring anyone loving to this Welcome to your mom's house

with Tom Segura talk Christina Welcome to your mom's house Ponder ponder ponder what the fuck So gay it's gay and it's retarded Ah Shit ah shit man. Yeah How great was that that was on one of those morning news shows. Yeah, which are so painful

Yeah, the ones that I've been going on lately where they have They always have a cooking segment like hi this morning and this lady is I guess in town and she's has the you know, they they're making salads and then I Guess she's a yoga person. Yeah, she's wearing a shirt that I don't know. It says seven greens. I don't know Oh, but um, no boy news guy walks over. She just she starts to get kind of flirty. Yeah, how are you? Yeah, it's Jason car coming out to enjoy some salad. I might be you have must you have been Jason out here. You love everybody wants a yoga girl, right Jason? That's right Those yoga girls, huh, he totally shuts it down too. He looks away. He's like mm-hmm. He doesn't leave on indoor

Well, no, he's like he knows that that's trouble, you know, so he goes Instead of like having fun with it. He just I didn't hear it Said that boss. I didn't say nothing. No, boy I guess you're not even allowed to laugh, right? Yeah, cuz that encourages the bad behavior That's the worst. This is an adult and you can't even laugh at man And she's actually you know, she didn't say it I don't think to be like, you know to make that joke. Yeah, she really was making a making the other girl a salad

So when she tells him that he's like It's so funny to me that that exists in the world where adults have to restrain themselves I just don't understand it. I'm really I struggle with it You know, I used to work in a law firm and that was the hardest thing in the world was to Restrain myself constantly. They just really really shut it down, right? Yeah, you can't have fun. Yeah. No, you're not supposed to laugh at your job or be inappropriate Yeah, obviously Very sullen

man, I Did Could you imagine working on a morning show how fucking hard and horrible that would be for one for us Wow, I can't wait to see this salad The big part of the show is spending time Just So you spend time fake reacting to things. Yeah, they have to go like that's me It's like spending time with a toddler like wow

Look at your salad. See how much that takes out of you just to do that for a second I know But maybe some but maybe some people are like that normally is that someone's real personality It is some people's but even then They it becomes their personality because they manufactured it for a while. Yeah, no one's born like that They go like that's great See that they got a new donut over on Main Street. Okay. All right Is that yeah, is that socialization like I grew up in a house where if I'm not happy all the time

Yeah, I got in trouble as probably or maybe it was just yeah, don't show feelings It was so bad in my house Confidence say it by being like that's great Yeah, cuz feelings are dangerous. You'll get you'll get in trouble. Well, they're like that on the on morning shows a lot You know, oh my god, that's that's the whether it's local or even national the good morning America's and It's always like and maybe that just puts people in a good mood You know, you wake up and they're like going to work and they turn that on and someone's like hey This is really neat. What's going on here today?

It may be it for for the non cynical person Yeah, maybe for normal people. That's like careful feels good. Yeah, that doesn't work for me. I don't work for me You know what? I don't understand either are people who want to be miss America. That's another one, right? Why why is that even a thing for you? I want to be miss America. You're so gonna win this year We're practicing your answers. Yeah, the best is when they have like the hardest part for them is answering one question What was the big? It was with fucking Steve Harvey this year. No, no, no, that's yeah, that's hits. That was the best What's the big fuck up with the answers? Remember the girl who lost her mind in the answer? No, you don't remember that

Wait, what do you like she bluffed she flubbed it or something? Yes She's like kill all the Jews. I'm I'm I don't know what I'm saying Yeah, Hitler was right. I don't know. It's 2007 it was Miss Teen USA. Oh, no poor girl polls have shown a fifth of Americans can't locate the US on a world map Why do you think this is I? Personally believe that you as Americans are unable to do so because People out there in our nation And I believe that our education like such as in South Africa

Iraq everywhere I believe that they should Our education over here in the US should help the US or should help It should help So so but I it's hard to I covered my eyes for that whole thing. I could even look at the screen I Wonder if you asked her the same question today if she'd have the same response she would she wouldn't there's no way Do you think she's gone over the correct response a few times? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? I think the next day

Fuck It was it must have been just genuine panic. Yeah, it was like just a panic moment She just she didn't she blanked and she had no idea you get I'm sure didn't you have that in stand-up the course years We're like, I don't even know what I'm saying. I'm so nervous of course It's like or it's when you just press play on your act. Yeah, and you go like what I'm just gonna say what I'm saying She she was nervous and she's young that's Miss Teen, but I know that the older broads they She said the Iraq the Iraq and they don't own maps But the older broads they rehearse the questions don't they give you or so you're you're rehearsed

Yeah, and that to them is the most nerve-wracking event is having to talk That's that's the funniest part to me is that's the challenge. They should do blow bangs at those I agree. I think the ratings would pick up significant Miss Nebraska Here's six guys who's cock what you start with first I miss Pennsylvania and I can suck six cocks at once I take the challenge Wow, we really have there should be a porn parody of that where they

You think there is yeah, there has to be a Miss America porn. Let's see Google it up. It's a great thing Miss America Course there's triple X parody where it's like if you want to win you've got to blow the judges Yeah, that's exactly right. It sounds like you're right for these. Yeah, I know See it I see parodies, but but you don't here's the thing with Miss America Don't do you win like a you want a small amount of money? It's not life-changing. It's not like you win millions Oh, no, no, but it's the exposure if you if you play that exposure, right? It's also dwindled it used to be a big deal. Yeah, you know, that was beat that would be front-page news the day after And oh, yeah, they would parade her around on everything

People just don't care about any as much anymore I think a big part of that has been that porn that know the feminist push of the last year the growth Yeah, I mean that where they go like what? It's seen as silly now because so many women go this is silly. It's women Well that and I think I think there was a time in America where the only the only place you could see a hot chicken A bathing suit was during the Miss America pageant. Yeah, you know like maybe in the 50s You're like, oh shit everybody get their dicks in their hands the Miss America pageants on and now it's like There's porn. There's lad mags. There's there's so much exposure to lad mags. Isn't that what they're called?

I don't know. Where do you live? FHM and Maxim. They're called lad mags. I'm from Oh, they're called chaps. Somebody wrote in those boys that talk like like have horrible. Do their accent master of accents This car It's a BMW it lifts off mate This car moves Moves I've never driven a car like this Why do you have to make your teeth kind of bucked out because they do yeah, yeah all all English people have

But they've used in the Queen of England talk. Yeah, she does. Oh, I'm the Queen of England I'm the Queen of England town. I'm the Queen mom Everybody I start drink their tea now Is that what she does she dictates tea time? Of course every day. She tells you ding ding ding Drink your fucking tight now Wait, what were we saying? Miss America. Yeah about porno. Did you find it? No, no, no But yeah, you don't win a ton of money and maybe yeah, maybe the exposure for like a minute people are like

Oh, you're who cool, and you wear a crown Yeah, it seems silly now. So dumb. It seems so it also it seems Antiquated it feels old like I feel like Millennials are like what? You were like someone's Miss America. What the fuck is Miss America? Even bathing suits look silly like bikinis the style of them they feel dated, you know on the pageant Yeah, I feel like they just feel old-timey. Yeah, they should wear like Brazilian I say they should go topless and then just like yeah Yeah, like miss Brazil. Yeah, I should be topless strong and then a hole in the front of the front

So you can see how they shave their penis. Yeah, they keep their the gap closed but show the hair Okay, here's how they should redo they need to remix it to make it for today's audience They need to have Miss America like in revenge of the nerds belching contest. Yeah Who can light her fart best? That'd be cool. I have my money's on Miss Michigan. Mm-hmm and then You know like beer drinking and stuff like that and then the blowbang thing and then the that's the last event That's the most important and then We have miss Idaho saying she can eat She's never been with a black eye, but she's about to blow eight of them here we go miss Idaho go ahead

Or it's miss universe And miss Amsterdam comes on and she's like I'm gonna take this shit home And she puts candles in her beaver and those cartwheels. Yeah. Yeah pretty cool, man I'm just suggesting it to them if they want to get the ratings out because I think the more that we're exposed to this But I'm gonna play the more that miss America becomes like Yeah Hey, y'all, it's Dakota and this is the newest video on my ask a gender terrorist Playlist on my channel

I'm updating all of my playlists because I haven't been able to post anything a long time If you would like to know why check out my ask Dakota life update him right now video and we can talk there You'll find out so anyway this video is Something that I have consistently said in my everyday life and I feel like maybe I need to reiterate and just Maybe I just want to make a video that I can link people to when he's done. It's cool I think it is gonna reiterate

Ritterate I want to reiterate What I've been saying he sounds he sounds like that Tyler Oakley guy that I love so much. Yeah, hi guys I have absolutely nothing to say in the world. I got my hot. Yeah, I'm about as I was like Yeah, I cut your hair or not Like dragging them for the mud and I'm tired of their shit. So my pronouns are not They're not a preference. They are mandatory for interaction with me Why are you laughing so hard? I didn't see him until you put him up. Yeah

Describe him. Okay. Well, I'd say actually he looks a little like you and that he's a larger dude He's got a full beard full beard full must, you know, we must ash It looks like a septum piercing with a safety pin through it, which is normal. Yeah That's nice and then he has your aunt Mildred's head wrap on after she takes a shower And and some tasteful eye makeup shadow with the beard it goes nice and my favorite I think here as I see either shaved eyebrows or bleach eyebrows, which is a sign of total sanity That's I've got my shit

He looks horrified and he has a tank on But he has cut he has he has a manipulated as it's It's no longer the tank you bought at the store. He's he's cut it. That's obviously with the scissors Oh to make it even lower, right? So it's very low Open tank on the front hasn't waxed the shoulders lately Uh-huh something I need to do too pal Dakota it's it's a really neat look. So what a look Miss America How do you feel so?

What the code is talking about right now is that his gender pronouns are not an option, right? Um, I do not expect everyone in the world to understand My identity I barely understand my identity myself. That's kind of confusing to people to everyone ever To say like I don't understand it either So then maybe well, then here's the thing and I if you're not sure what what and who yeah Maybe hold off on demanding that everyone stay updated with the pronouns to refer to you as like maybe hold off Until you've decided and then make a formal announcement and then stick to it as an adult You know what I mean one way of looking at it, right?

Understand someone to respect them or their wishes. So I don't have to understand what it is to be a black person to Speak respectfully to black people. I'm pretty sure that you can do the same for trans people specifically non-binary people That's what I'm talking about because I don't think there's any problem Understanding trans people actually well, I think there's I don't I'm a I personally I understand non-binary as a non-binary person well, I'm you I'm this week. I'm and I wish you'd respect my pronoun I've been eating a lot of oatmeal and I'm identifying

I'm oatmeal gendered. Okay, just if you could respect that I do respect it. Okay. Is there honey on it? Sometimes brown sugar sometimes it's just but it it just depends They're not trendy. We are not interesting or something that you can fetishize or try to you know, just fucking some it's just off just shut the fuck up just stop We're not like so hard and difficult I mean in an inconvenient like imagine what it is to be me And then you wouldn't tell me how hard it is for you to understand me and my pronouns like when what way do you think that's helping and What way do you think that that's fucking appropriate?

Stop prioritizing your comfort as a cis person over the struggles and the respect and the wishes of Trans people you're wrong. So shut the fuck up We don't want to hear about how difficult being around us and knowing us is but he's not a trans Man, he's saying isn't he saying he's non that is a good point. I mean it seems like it's two different Yeah arguments because there's a trans I took it there. I understand trans gendered I am a man transitioning to a woman or I feel more like a woman I'm a man. I feel like I'm a woman for like what he's saying. I'm opting out of both. I am non I just didn't know that that was a neither a long time

I didn't know either and I'm so happy for you that you found that that thank you That is kind of the thing that is nice for me to celebrate with another non-binary person is that we get to Finally say I'm sorry. We are we think you mean they know we But I hope but in your mind, I need you I hope you're not saying she in your in your mind Yeah, me and they together are we and we get to okay, we get to finally Be in a place where people aren't so focused on genders. I know it's so exhausting

I know everyone's like annoyed. What are you? I'm nothing neither With that being said change your language like no one is female Oh, no one is born a girl. No one is any of that like we are assigned Genders at birth by doctors who look at us and see certain types of genitalia and decide what our identity will be from there I know that's an act of violence that should be stopped. Well, that's not my fucking fault that that happened And I'm wait, but sex is different than gender. You're assigned to sex At birth he's saying but the the doctor doesn't assign you a gender identity that that's what you they certainly do Well, I'm sorry. Maybe he yeah, I thought it was the other way. I didn't know. No, I guess the doctor

Yeah, I told it I'm on board with you dog I think that it is an act of violence when a doctor sees your Penis and testicles and says you're a boy You know, yeah, no, I I know you're sorry laughing. I'm not I don't mean to offend they it's it's just like I know I guess I'm being really insensitive here or a doctor pulls you out goes. Oh, we got Got a pussy right here. It's got to be a girl. I know Well, how do you should we messed up with Ellis? We we we gender identified him as a boy I know I'm putting in football outfits and stuff. Oh, no

We're messing him up. We're messing him up by conforming to missing gender. I'm up Shit, should we start referring to him as them and they of course? I don't want to confuse the kid I would keep playing this video, but I want to tear my fucking eardrums out. So You can We'll put up a link to it later, you know, and here's a no one no one wants to hold anyone back I don't certainly want to deny anybody whatever they are But I think to demand that everyone keep up to speed with your gender identity at every given moment. Yeah I mean, come on. That's a little unrealistic. I just don't know what the proper pronouns are all the time

I think actually the realities. These are just confused people, you know, they're confused These I think that I think the folks that are like I'm astral gendered. I'm you know, they need attention That's different. I think when someone's like, I'm a man trapped in a woman's body That's legit. Like if you're willing to cut yeah, yeah, you're off for not even you don't even have to go real deal You don't even have to go that far. I think yeah, people just feel like I don't want to Surgically manipulate myself. Yeah, but I am in the wrong body. I think that's that's totally but I think it's kind of It is a lot to ask for you to look at like me like a guy with a beard and be like And be like and for me to be go. Hey, man

What the fuck are you? Why are you calling me a man? Like? Oh, sorry Right, sorry like your act of violence, right like assuming that I'm a man Yeah, you kind of fit all the check marks. So a man with yeah a man with the eye shadow and I mean still You look at the person we were just looking at most people would assume that's a guy wearing eye shadow You don't go like that's probably a non-binary person. No, you wouldn't know that. Why would you assume that? Yeah, and I God give us all a give us all a break Give us time to come around to all the pronouns. We don't know the mainstream doesn't know this stuff. No, no You can how are we supposed to know? Yeah? God damn. It's a lot. It's a lot to ask

I wish I wish we could show like my dad or your dad that video and have them Tell us their feelings. Well, I think I have pretty much. I think I can sum it up I What's that? guys fag Of course doesn't guy doesn't know it pretty bad Okay, dad. Thanks. That's what everybody's dad would say. Yeah It's guys. Yeah

Yeah, yeah, poor people. Yeah He's he's a he's in a lot of pain that guy that guy Pacificly looks like he's in a lot of Yeah, he does he does it's not doing so well and the nails are painted and he had a bunch of tattoos on his hands like like I mean they're tattooed. I think they're like weird marker drawings, you know. Yeah, you can deduce that he's in a lot of pain, right? Yeah So real real heartbreaking news for a lot of listeners of the show Hitler the Not that not Danny, obviously, but the hey hit the killer what wasn't bad girl that we played last week

Yeah, kicked off of YouTube. What? Yeah why because some people actually heard her very logical videos and Flagged it as hate speech. Oh She had her the fucking boot I don't know if she was advocating violence, but she was definitely in the in the

school of Hey, why does this Hitler guy have such a bad? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Well, I guess it would be like ice is putting recruitment videos up on YouTube We really don't allow that. Yeah, this country. Well, that's that's too bad I was really looking forward to hearing her her other work on Saddam Hussein or 40,000 Subscribers She's known as a valiant And she Her she had uploaded videos of her singing happy birthday to Hitler and another video on how to spot a Jew

Oh, I wish we would have found out now We didn't we didn't do that one other charming videos include why Hitler wasn't evil Which is what we played right and how feminists supported rape by causing the migrant crisis That's her name a value on a valley on Al eval Ion. She said to be an 18 year old girl living in Canada Hmm. Is she is she a patreon's cousin? Patreon I don't know Shit

The teenager openly admitted to being a Holocaust denier. Oh geez on April 20th Dude, she looks like a just a regular teenage girl like a sweet blonde blue-eyed. No, she's got a brunette So she's obviously not as high up the food chain as you think she should know that Hitler wouldn't appreciate her But she filmed herself singing happy birthday in front of a picture of the Nazi shitbag as this is how this is written here She had baked four cupcakes decorated with swastikas Geez The channel was terminated and then YouTube said the channel was terminated by us because it violated Policies against hate speech. Thank you a value on

Evalium I saw your many YouTube videos. Thank you for the cupcakes. They are delicious. I appreciate your messages I'm one of your subscribers. I Enjoyed it very much That night I would watch your videos I play with my schnitzel as I listen to Jamie just fixed my my website. He says back up So anyways poor Evalia that's too bad. She was really doing the Lord's work really doing something there Jesus, man

What a nut. She's got to be uh mentally ill You think so? Um, I did my own thing by the way When I was in smear my juice over the weekend I went on a local morning show. Someone's doing their own thing. Do it god doing his own thing and uh This is one of the great local sports or local sports local shows where they have the segment Like old-school cheesy music. Oh, yeah, this is the clip that I'm on. It's like tim and er Yeah Is a busy guy with television credits that include conan comedy central live at gotham. He does

I like when they use the old Live it was that on your website from 92. That's I have a Gotham. I did in 2007. Why are they what are they pulling from wikipedia or something? God only look at this dog Shit. Wow. Oh my god. This is terrible. The backdrop is dog. Shit american fly. This guy doesn't have an upper lip Let's stop there. Jesus. He spends a lot of time on stage and this weekend He's gonna be at the funny bone stage at destiny usa. So we welcome in this morning. Good morning So man, shout out to mercer shout out to the bristol stool chart. I have number five That soft blobs with clear cut edges because I need fiber. There you go. Now. I gotta ask about right away, man

Right away. I got a bristol stool chart in there. That was fantastic Yeah, I like how the guy's a little nervous and the woman's laughing The guy's a little she was really fun. Yeah, she she plays she played along. He was like, uh-huh First of all your outfit looks amaze. I have on a black Of course faux fur. Yeah Coat people will ask me is that faux fur? Yeah

No, you should tell me you paid $10,000. Well, yeah, I know I would say that if they asked me on the air, but Yeah, for the for the real mommies real mommies only What about your chain? That's real shit About the get up here the get up Expecting a blizzard in Syracuse. Obviously. No, it's just how I roll man. I roll like this in july I don't care if it's human. I don't care if it's 105 They're panning up your outfit because there's an old saying

Happy hoes eat sad hoes don't and I try to stay happy Words to live by there we go. Obviously. Yep. She likes you plug. Yeah. Yeah, she's fun Um, so you were well, she when I showed up she goes she goes. Oh, I know this dj dad mouth thing I'm excited. Oh, that's funny pleading and instagraming before the show. Yeah, you know hashtag dj dad mouth What's up? That's what we should call you. I mean, I appreciate it I'm gonna be doing stand-up, but my focus is on the after party always so I'll be tweeting out a location for a surprise

pop-up show and you two Are both invited. Oh Yeah, so that's like a bonus freebie friday. Yeah, that's for us Yeah, no party like that. So um, so what dj dad mouth? I have a question for you. Yeah random question. Okay Weisberg cries are so fat I love that she flubs the name a little. That's the best part christler klyzer That's a good question Weisberg cries are so fat christ christ christ christ are so fat

Yeah, random question Weisberg cries are so fat guys. Let's do this. Let's do this You know The mommy's following is strong and we have As a community because of the strength of the little followership on this show We've made some amazing amazing things happen. You guys we landed brace from jiggalows. We landed gloria as stefan Just because of how many of you tweeted her. Yeah, how about we all this week? Tweet at burt christler

Who also goes by burt christier. Just ask him. Why are you so fat? I Just that why are you so fat? I want him to wake up wednesday And log on to his twitter and be like what the fuck Just a stream of a thousand a thousand people have tweeted him. Why are you so fat? That's a good question Burt's an alcoholic and

He's not he's diabetic And he's on a lot of medication And he's just this sad. He's a sad hoe like we were just talking about sad hos I'm supposed to not eat but he's so sad. He eats extra and that's why burt's so fat See you had to have The curiosity got the best That's what happens. That's what happens. Um You are married to a comedian. Oh, what do you think's coming next? Here we go. What do you think's coming next a million dollars?

What's the meaning of life are married to a comedian? Do you guys make each other laugh all the time? What are you talking about? You think he's gonna ask that something like that? You are married to a comedian right a comedian. Yeah, so she's a woman. So is Is it like just totally hilarious at home? There you go Really low-key. Look at my reaction to that question dead pan dj dead pan. It's uh, you hate not a lot of laughs, man A lot of smells a lot of smells It's a smelly house because we have a baby a lot of kids. Yeah, baby. That's one kid But he sometimes that all you need is all you need one kid. That's all it takes

Yeah, I mean, look, there's a lot of action in the home too, you know Like I got I got kids that she doesn't know about So sometimes when she's out of the house, I'll bring other kids over that are older than our baby They kind of play in the house then they leave You know I do know how it goes and speaking of house. Let's talk about your mom's house. Yeah, nice your mom's house That's a lot of fun. It's the best man your mom's house podcast

It's where you know, it's kind of like it's I feel like it's the bible for a lot of people, you know Yeah, um, there's we cover up the important issues, you know, like like what farts We we cover You say that with just such a straight face Mercer was the director. Oh, okay. So they said he said something before We rolled and I go, who's that? She was the last Mercer. He's our director. Okay. That's why I shouted about all kinds of stuff, man We cover what was the thing this week? Man, I I never had a job in my life. So I started doing this, you know, I've been in and out of jail

Now you walk around with fur, you know what I'm saying And bling I'm right there, man my sensei sagal Was telling me about that the Buddha nature is just to be in the moment. So that's what I'm trying to do right now I think you're doing it really well actually She's great being in the moment if you want to join town funny You can do so tonight live at 7 30 and 9 45 He's got two shows. I wish she was with you all the time tomorrow night 7 39 45 special engagement for tickets

Give them a call 4 2 3 8 6 9 nice or visit them online Saturday 7 30 shows almost sold out. Yes How do you do it? I got Don't ask him that The full video Of dj dadmouth in the spotlight As this one is called is your mom is on youtube and go to our youtube page your mom's house podcast And subscribe we also should mention that not only can you see

all the dj dadmouth appearances On our youtube page, but that we are now releasing classic genes. Yep once a week On youtube. So those are the original episodes people asked us for them all the time and They're gonna we're starting with episode one Shut up. Yeah. Oh no, how embarrassing and is this back from red band days? Yes And I asked red band and he said it's cool. Oh my god. So some of these were videoed back in the day some of them were Yeah, yeah, okay. Wow

So this is gonna be Yeah, this is going to be a cool thing. How fucking horrible were we in episode one? I bet I'm gonna I'm embarrassed already. You know what I'm saying God, that was that was the best one yet. I like that one the best I feel like you've perfected How to do it now like now you got your groove. It's all it's all your mom's house nonsense Yeah, and then they have to roll. It's really funny how People react to it who are not who are who know who know me from a stand-up

Yeah, not the podcast. They're like they'll mess with you like what the fuck is this? You know, they don't get what's going on. Yeah, that's kind of the enjoyment though It's it's it's an inside joke But it's an inside joke with like a few hundred thousand people Yeah, who other people are just like what is going on. It's pretty crazy. The podcast is really growing It's really kind of bizarre like now I go around and people are like mommy And uh, I went to like a baby shower and some total stranger was like i'm a huge mom's house fan Yeah, what happened to me at the airport?

Just mom is just so crazy. It's cool. It's crazy because we started the show Uh, just in a shitty, you know in our shitty house In Silver Lake with a Lithuanian uh neighbor, you know what I mean? Like it's it's just neat that it's grown into something and we would drive over to burp bank Burm yeah, and then do we do the first we did the first 40 episodes at red bands place That's right. Um, a few of them were done. That's right at the ice house studio And but most were done at uh at red bands when we started we would do one and then be like

Next month we'll do another one. Yeah, there was no schedule, you know Yeah, and then we learned that that was important to drop it on the same day Then people don't know how to find you and stuff and those classic genes are going to release every thursday On the youtube channel. Cool. So there is a schedule for that too. So there's always something fun at the youtube channel There's like behind the scenes. There's and on top of that uh patreon launches June 1st, so if the if you don't know patreon is going to be our new all access added bonus content subscriber based

site that uh, we do behind the scene stuff and we do extra episodes We have one bank that is going to come out in june that you can only do if you sign up for patreon You basically do like a small You pick your monthly donation And based on the the donation you get access to different things. So it's a cool thing. It helps us, um, you know uh, keep doing the show and And you'll get you'll get access and you'll get extra content. One of the things we're definitely going to do is uh watch

Steven Seagal movies Um and comment on those but uh the first one was just a cool episode. We did we answered fan mail Questions. Yeah, it was fun all right, um Patreon patreon. Hey, can we do my persian voicemails? Yeah, so tell us what happened with the persian with you got more voicemails, right? Well, yeah, they kind of kicked into high gear this weekend. I'm not sure what happened Um, here I've saved them. I've I've actually had to put this number in as a contact now because I get so many

Yeah, I've gotten one two three since wednesday. Let's hear Uh, she's it's called persian. Can you take it out of that take it out of the out of the case? Yeah, hold on I've had like I call it persian lady now because like I get so many and shanaz has been getting a lot of job offers in texas And she's not getting those what about adis So adis we actually found out his real last name because somebody tried to log on Oh, then you looked them up and I looked adis up on facebook and he is exactly who I thought he would be like Uh, he looked how I thought he would he's like a hipster dude with a like a you know Like a white guy with an ironic kind of t-shirt look

Um So the first one is last wednesday, right? Come here. Yeah, it's it's under persian lady and it starts on wednesday. She says here I don't Anyway, I'm just telling you to you know take care of yourself Do you hope you're doing good? What the fuck? I don't know man. Hope you're doing good And sullen me never calls you back never Never never never

This is the thursday one When that was wednesday before wednesday before here's thursday on thursday. Yeah And I don't know Isn't there a point is what I keep saying is that isn't there a point Through all these phone calls when you never get because she never obviously gets the call back There has to be some point where maybe she sees sullen me And then at that point, isn't it like isn't there ever an exchange about hey, you know how You get my message about that or did you get my message or yeah, or I told you that yesterday

And then you know what might happen is that sullen may might be so Sick that when this person sees sullen me and mentions that and sullen me goes you didn't fucking call me They go sullen me so crazy right now. She's she's got dementia She's you know, doesn't she doesn't even know that I called her earlier. Well, I see. I think sullen me is our age You think so? Yeah, for some reason I think this is a maternal figure to sullen me and this might be like a kid and that's why I've always pictured sullen me is old. No, I think sullen me is younger And that's why she kind of forgives. I think it's a boy too a pass

Because oh, you know sullen me. He's always out having fun. And then here's friday. Yeah So It's gonna get up all the bacteria in your body and from Inside you Yeah, see it's it's a I think she's a maternal it's gonna get up all the bacteria in your body and from it. It's from inside you Okay He has a lot of information he can't give you right

Can you take care of one of you? by Right see right there the answer is partly motherfucker That's 400 messages. Call me. Well, the thing is they're clearly communicating in between because she knows sullen me is not feeling well And it's a bacterial infection and And she keeps asking about the lease. This is the second or third thing about a lease agree So maybe he's in real estate or something or they're renting a property

She's got all the bacteria though, man. You gotta get you gotta get rid of that bacteria from the inside out I like that she specified that from the inside out sullen me sullen me take the fucking pills Jesus, I don't know sullen me. You should tell your mom that you've changed your number, buddy. Yeah Should we call a person lady back? I think at this point, maybe we should don't you we should do it on your mom's house What do we do right now? I'm so nervous. What do we say? I mean, do you want to just we shouldn't keep this going sullen me sick Okay, all right. Let's um, let's call the person lady. Oh my god All right, let's see what happens. I'm so nervous talk to her. I feel like we know each other. I know

Oh Do you speak farsi? Yeah, I speak farsi. She's not answering. She doesn't recognize the skype number. I know I'd say let's call from my phone. But then how do we record the call? Yeah That is her fucking voice that's her voice. That's your voice message three meows Dude, are we being pranked? Maybe Is somebody fucking with us? It could be give me your phone. I'm gonna try it from your phone Yeah, but then we want to record the call in case sullen me answer she answers

Well, we should not be able to we can't record this on for your mom's house. We can't how can we record I don't understand why that wouldn't record though. Wait if you call from my phone. I don't know shit I think it would still record. Oh, you're plugging in. Oh, I see what you're doing. Yeah, I'll then try that. Yeah Dude, that was the craziest fucking voicemail ever Three meows this woman's out of her mind. That's why she doesn't know if sullen me calls her back. That's right. She's fucking crazy, dude That's so true. Let's see. Let's see if this works. It's not me Oh my gosh Oh my god, wait, are you gonna are you gonna do it on not on speakerphone? Oh there you go. Hello

You have to wait for someone to pick up first before you say hello dad No, I had the uh I gotta push the buttons Are you not gonna answer sullen me calling you back? Oh, this will just keep it going What the f-f-fuck dude, well now here's the thing. We just yeah, we totally just called back. Yeah, we just came back Now sullen me. Oh shit. We just tried to put an end to it. Now. We've made it Now you're gonna get a definite fucking

Uh, yeah, she was like, sullen me. I missed the fucking car Oh, yeah, three meows Three meows, man, and I feel like it was her making the meow sounds. I don't think that was a cat. Do you? No, babe. I don't think that was a cat Jesus. Oh, it's crazy. Yeah, she's real crazy. That was intense Meow So weird is that my friend Sarah could be Burns are you doing this? She's a big meow

Meow meow meow. I saw the meow mix CD downstairs. I know We got to play it one day. We've made that years ago. I know when we were touring Yeah, we actually went into a recording studio and meowed Uh songs with sarah burns. It was fun. They still remember me when I went back to record to like do my comedy album My second one. They're like, I remember you you did the meow songs Hey, can we talk about my shit yesterday? Oh Okay, yeah, what you act like we don't talk about this stuff on the show

Next up brown talk brown talk coming up you've been warned Okay, I just have a question for you sure So Okay, I'm gonna explain the situation and then you kind of tell me your thoughts on it Like I'm gonna walk you through it. So I was alone with ellis. It was sunday morning. You hadn't come home yet. All right And I drank my cup. It may sound like I was out drinking you out getting hammered parting you had to come home yet You hadn't come home

You worthless guy and then I drank my coffee. So I usually give my cup of coffee ready I drink it. I go in to get ellis in the morning. I wake him up. I feed him I diaper him. I bring him downstairs and then I feed the dogs anyway I go into ellis's room and I've already I'm like three quarters of the way through my coffee I don't really do that normally I feed him And just as I'm about to change him I feel the urge to shit

The problem is and you know this since I've given birth is that I have a really hard time holding in my stools And that they go it's immediately. We'll have to shit. No, I really have to shit And so I was like panicked trying to change his diaper and like Change him and like, oh my god. Oh my god. I'm gonna shit my pants I didn't know what to do my back was hurting so I couldn't just put him in the crib and go shit Because my back got fucked up in tennis. So I'm like, oh my god. What do I do? So I hurry I diaper him I you know run downstairs. I put him in the swing. I strap him in

And then I go take a shit downstairs And It was a lot It was like a number four And it was like two number four logs. Yeah, now here's the problem I went to wipe And it was like a fucking like a melted her she's kiss In the toilet paper

God damn it It was so gnarly I like, you know when you do that first Wipe and you're like, oh my god. Yeah. Oh my god. That is so much shit Yeah, and now normally I would just go in the shower and fuck my stoma. Yeah But I thankfully the bidet And I just bidet the shit out of it and like out of my shit and then I wiped it clean But why do you think that happens to me? Do you think that that's a

A post-pregnancy thing. Does that happen to you ever? Well, first of all, I just want to say I'm really glad you asked this question And I appreciate all the details That was really but they matter because it was it was because I held it in a little bit longer than I normally would I think came out mushy. Yeah, that's interesting I think you know It's real neat the That you that you told us all those details Um, but it's pertinent to the case brown lock. It's not like random. It's a good point. Um

Yeah, I think it's a combination of you probably You were you said you're holding it in you're probably drinking coffee. Yeah And you know, maybe maybe A little bit of What you ate at the at the previous meal. Do you remember? Do you recall? What you ate? Yes. Um counselor, what did you have? Well brown brown lock. I went to a vegan baby shower or vegetarian Baby shower and I had a lot of different bean varieties

And I think that may have contributed To my powerful four Yeah, and the coffee too definitely contributed coffee makes a difference and holding it in I think the holding it in was really well, what you're saying is yeah It's a combination of things holding it in is going to make it worse though Wait, but why is the wipe? It wasn't diarrhea. So why was the wipe so unclean? That's Like i'm serious. Why am I not pinching off the loaf? No, because it was probably mushy

It was mushy. You didn't have just normal logs, right? No, you couldn't have they were fours They were perfect Fours are perfect Perfect logs They were a little hotter than normal, but I don't know if that Yeah They're an exemplary four like if you kind of look at this they were a little hotter and a little more torn Yeah, but that heat is is means that they weren't perfect because

Perfect ones aren't hot Hot indicates that it's a little higher up on that scale You're probably looking at like a five and a five and a half. You know, they weren't broken pieces. They were solid Yeah, but if they're heaters like that that means something's up that you know, you can always tell the heat factor means this is not 100% And I think it probably has to do with the fact that you were having a lot of edgies Yeah, and I'll tell you what happened to me I was in smear my juice

and I went I had three four meals at a vegan restaurant And I gotta say I really enjoyed it, man. Really really enjoyed it. Well, it was it was good food Yeah, and I didn't do it because I was on some mission to eat that way It was purely out of convenience and then it was good. So I stayed at a hotel and uh, right next door Um, let's see. I'll see if I can plug the place Uh So we get back to you, but we're saying that the log was a little hot and torn and that's why it just wouldn't break

Clean because of the texture strong hearts. Sorry Strong hearts cafe is where I went, but I'm asking you it's the texture of the log. You're saying so. Yeah, I could clench it off It's just leaves behind. Yeah mush. Yeah you had a lot you had mud butt and then I know those I know those you know the the real blessing in in the skies was though. What's that that you were home? I know I've had those in public Because then you're wiping and wiping and wiping and then somebody goes can I eat your ass and you go?

You sure you want to do that? Right? That happens every night. Oh the Persian lady is calling back. The Persian lady is calling back Oh Oh my god. Oh my god. Look how did my phone shut down so weird Fuck we're definitely gonna have a voicemail right now Man what? Anyway, so the phone's starting tell me more about your brown story and then we'll go back

Well, so I ate these vegan meals right first of all, I just want to give a plug to vegan eating for a second Okay, they were delicious meals at like I said strong hearts cafe in Syracuse smear my juice and secondly um It's when you eat vegan and it's good. You just feel good. I was feeling good after meals That's so good heaviness, right, you know, there's no bloat. There's no like hitting you like

Well, especially, you know when you travel. Yeah road food You can even go to a great restaurant and be like, oh god Oh, yeah, so much, you know heaviness, you know the truth of it is the less you eat the better you feel And the lighter you eat more veggies more fruits but here's the real she left a voicemail. Oh Okay, let's hear it But I do want to say this I didn't have crazy dumps really I had a lot of farts Huh, dude, it's shutting down again. That's weird. It's this

So but you didn't have a crazy dump after four vegan meals. Yeah Isn't that crazy? I think you need to wait a little bit Mm-hmm because you really react poorly to veggies, right? But I didn't I'm saying I had normal bowel movements But a lot of farts. I mean That's a neat story. Yeah, I mean It was uh, it was it was noteworthy. Can I tell you my favorite new game that um, ellis plays with us Is pole daddy's beard It makes me laugh

The artist he hugs me absolutely love it when he hugs my face so funny takes both hands a strong grip And he pulls me towards him by my beard. It's so painful And the only person on earth that I wouldn't punch in the mouth of doing it is my son Everybody else I would stab immediately But he pulls me. I'm like, uh-huh. It's so funny. He drags me and then he goes Oh his mouth. I love it. So something's going on with this when I plug it in it shuts down. Yeah, I might try it again That's bizarre but that's happened twice right now. So I wonder what's going on. Let's see. Let's shoot So how are we gonna play salami if it shuts down every time? I know

Okay, it didn't shut down right there. Okay Um, let's see. She's gonna be pissed. Oh, she's gonna be pissed. Here we go Let's see not playing How about there Yeah, she left four second voicemail, but it's not playing salami. I mean coming I was watching the bacteria Why is it not playing bacterial infection? Is it on mute? No, the line is working. It's so weird I'm not playing gosh See, this is why we need blue band here

Why don't you just take unplug it and push play and put it up to the microphone? Okay. Oh again It started it again. No, no, no the pop Yeah It's telling me Because we're playing though shish kebab and kebabs Who knows why you want to try it try it on yours. Hold on mommy. Let's see. Okay Persian lady Persian lady Buddy buddy. Oh, yeah, it's weird now. It's not playing. Yeah. Wow. Fuck it. Okay. Well, uh, let me restart the phone

Maybe that'll help Oh, wow, hold on. Give it a minute. My phone's still like starting. Okay Let's give it I'm not complaining. It's definitely gonna be like salami. What the fuck? Yeah, she's gonna go What the fuck Fucking callback, okay Let's see if I can play another one in the meantime

um Yeah, so if you really are looking to up your fart game, yeah, maybe eat vegan How's king asterisk we're doing we haven't really checked in with him in a while Oh, it's been a long time been a long time. He's uh I mean he's still the master. I don't know Is he on youtube or is he kicked off right now? He always goes back and forth, man Let's see youtube Let's see if he's there king s

Anyways, I love ellis's new game with you. That shit makes me laugh so hard, dude I love that he just tortures you. It's so funny. And then he pulls my hair too, which is awesome Every time you lean down to give him a zerbert. He pulls your hair. It's so fucking get to sign in to see this one That's always a good sign. Yeah, let's see. I don't want to have to sign in I don't know me I don't know me. Can we talk about? Look if she calls back, yeah, just answer on speakerphone, you know I

Think he's missing That was a raunchy ass fart Okay, there you go. Yeah, this is king ashipper unofficial. So I don't think that's his page. We don't subscribe to him. He wouldn't go He wouldn't go by that. Um Let's see here. He is. Oh, I love this He's walking up the stairs Oh Those setups are the best now. He's so clever

Yeah, well, um Yeah, he would the only thing that sucked about was trying to he was like the Loch Ness monster Because it was switching accounts always under a new name harry and grows king ashipper the fart god or whatever, you know, he's always Something and I wish we could just lock down where he's at, you know Well, you know, some people don't want The fame and the glory that being on your mom's house brings, okay? Yeah Yeah, we have made people famous on the show and maybe he doesn't want that that kind of spotlight the limelight But don't you feel like he was doing that?

um Before he was on the like he was always switching accounts I don't know. Yeah, maybe he's crazy too Yeah, that's not a normal because what was the other site that used to have him all the time Live leak live leak. Hold on. Let me see if I can play this. Hold on Now my voicemail is fucked up. Yeah, I've had that before Oh, it's it was i fart in yo face right that used to be his his thing Man

It's like, yeah, it's it's really like trying to Track down like a mythical creature or something. Yeah. Well, that's the beauty of him. That's the Let's see if he's back on There nope the account associated with this channel has been terminated For copyright infringement. What that was that possible His farting That are they trying to say that those aren't his farts I doubt that she's at the door though. Now she's gonna. Yeah. I don't know. She's just sniffing though. Hmm

That's not an I have to I I I I I I I

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I I I Thank god, why do we be stuck with that couch? I wouldn't buy another one. That's ridiculous. Yeah, no We just have our ink stained couch. I know and now I I bought insurance on the the replaced couch just to me Oh my god Oh my god, okay What are you doing? No idea what Solomon is up to, huh? No, it's not playing

Well, we're just gonna have to figure this out later I Want to show you something. Yeah Tell me what you think of This Fuck This is a arm wrestling match, okay, it's pretty intense a little

It's really fired up this guy I ain't scared of shit. I'm fucking here, huh? You told me I couldn't fuck. Come see what's up now, bitch Come on, we're fucking spitting out here. Fuck you, bitch. You can't take that shit. Fuck you. Fuck y'all. We're a fucking condom on my tongue, bitch We're a condom on my tongue. Yeah You know, it's fun if you get that jacked up that you don't win Oof Oh, yeah, this guy's full of rage. He's full of maybe not arm wrestling. Maybe a more aggressive A sport that you can utilize. It's pretty aggressive sport. Your entire body. Yeah, but he he wants to punch him right now

I think this doggy needs out. She's being a little weird. Okay. Okay. Let me uh, let me let her go All right, the bitch told you took her out. She went pee. She went pee Um, let's finish this arm wrestling stupid dog. I'm really anxious. I think the guy that's losing his mind is gonna lose Do you want to feel this? I don't even want to fucking feel that, motherfucker. Yeah, that's where you fucking were, bitch. You fucking smile, bitch. Don't give a fuck Don't even fucking like you, bitch. Get the fucking shit on the table. Get the shit on the fucking table You're a bitch, motherfucker. I'm not fucking invited. You're not fucking invited, bitch. Come on Yeah He lost the match and then he swung at the

That is fucking hilarious Great He got thrown to the ground. Oh my god Oh my god Tis are crazy. Somebody, uh They got their panties in the bunch, you know Yeah, geez I feel like that all the time, you know aggressive. No, just like I want condoms on my tongue

I'm so dumb Hey, you know, that's stupid as the master of accents. I'm always looking at Studying at other accents. Yeah, this guy He's asian But have you heard? I'm gonna have to steal away fishing and I ain't never seen shit like this before. Okay Yeah, some black folks would goddamn serious talent. Watch this shit You never see asian people talking black like that Oh, it's texas now. It's for shinaz

Let it go. Of course. I'm gonna let it go. Listen to that. This is an asian guy. Oh my god. Watch this shit Watch this shit That's weird Here he is again Now I want you to know that this man Did this shit with fingernails and I do fingernails for living He's gonna need a manicure after this shit So the guy is a nail tech

Hilarious, he's like he's like two different stereotypes in one. Yeah, he is. It's amaze. It's incredible. What is amaze? Hey, you don't see that usually. No, you don't see that man asian dudes talking black. No talking black He just sounds southern, right? Oh, no, I think he sounds like medea. I think he's doing a medea Hey, you know, you used to watch all her movies and I did and you haven't Had she not put one out in a while. You never talk about him anymore Well, I haven't had much time with the kid The baby kind of messed up my medea watching but you know, you and I got into a show Into the americans

And there's a guy on there gregory who I recognize. I thought I know this guy's space man. It was killing me I looked it up and he was in a medea movie. That's how I know him from as you were saying that I recognized him too But it wasn't from medea. So as I was like, what movies are you from? You go? Oh, yeah Medea I'm like, no It's not what I'm talking about. I love only you would know from that. I don't know. What's up with tyler parry I haven't heard about I just I just haven't heard. I'm sure he's Still doing a million things. Yeah, he he produces tons of shit very successful Yeah, his genes are always up there. I like the medea christmas stuff and I love medea goes to jail

I think no the family reunion that one's actually my favorite one. That's your favorite one Yeah, my angel is in it. You know that? She's in the my angel is in there. Yes Yep She's like black yoda. She fucking tells them what's up. It's awesome. Uh, you want to read some fan mail? I do. Yeah, go ahead Okay, hold on Oh, there we go. Look at this guy

Been using your amazon link to buy stuff for a while. How about a shout out for us buying lube? Yeah, you got it told you we that's so weird Okay, it's 64 ounces 64 ounces should keep my ding dong That's what he says. How do you say amazing? Thank you chris. Thank you. Thanks chris Um, we got another one. I'm a bisexual polyamorous bear with two boyfriends I'd be happy to answer literally any questions you have Also, I love your show so much. I would not hesitate to marry it and make it part of my polypile smack hound thanks smack hound

Yeah, can I ask you something? Polyamorous bear with two boyfriends now you refer to them kind of equally two boyfriends I understand in the in the polyamorous community. You say you have your primary That's what bits he was looking right now. Oh gee my my phone case great Uh, usually they say I have a primary and a secondary but I noticed that you kind of equate your two boyfriends So how does that work? I would ask that good question. I wanted to read that third one Yeah, when christina was talking about european nudity I was just chuckling but I can say with a lot of certainty that polish people both in poland

And living in the uk would freak out if you were walking around in just your underwear nudity is defo Not normal Maybe they were in a cult hippie In the cult slash hippie sounds funny though. Peace and much love malar. I think well, listen Milosh, I am not a fucking pollock I'm hungarian and I tell you if you go to hungary and you go to the gellar total and you go to a thermal bath Which is the most popular thing you can do in buddha fish that you have to go nude But what milosh is pointing out is that you were

Really adamant about european european european european in european europe in europe us european us europeans in europea We are all naked all the time And milosh was telling you that that is not the case Well, milosh also too. I believe we're just more comfortable with nudity and I say that because Look, you turn the tv at 10 p.m. In europe western europe You know and there's tits on tv and commercials for like, you know fucking lollipop commercials There's a girl with her tits out or whatever

So i'm just saying and there's tits in magazines like normal magazines in england By the way, those lad mags. Yeah, they show their tits Okay, okay, so uh, yeah um Why don't you read the uh This one Hi, mommy's here too Hi, mummies. I noticed you guys talking about flippers on a few of the last episodes

So for those of you who don't know what those are Flippers are like retainers What is she doing now? Do you hear her? Of course I hear her Who fucking knows we just have a destructor Uh flippers are like fake teeth It's a retainer with a tooth or two on it and that's what people do instead of replacing teeth They will get a retainer and I had a cousin that did that for a few years

So this person writes I make a lot of these pieces of shit As I work for a dental lab, you would not believe what some trashy people ask for with these things Some include gold front teeth with dollar signs Some even want a picture of their ugly kids put on them. Oh my god Like they're proud to show off how poorly they take care of their teeth Feel free to ask any more questions you have in the dental world I'm also poly by and when I tell people how work they look at me Like I just burped in their faces. Anyway, hi and tight your fellow mommy, nick. Hello

And finally, hey hitler long time listener from the days you lived in the ghetto and your neighbor's stench would come through your walls It's been so long. That's how I remember the story being a gay man and having many bare friends I would have to say tom is definitely a california grizzly Girl he is very comfortable with his primitive ways Marking his territory with his boogers and making brown ferocious throughout the day. Otherwise We would just call him a poo bear Because he is cuddly and likes to eat a lot. Thank you, sir. Oh my gosh, you know, it's weird I was reading Winnie the Pooh last night to the kid and I

I thought it has the noise buttons. That's one of the one of them in the story It's like then Winnie the Pooh sees his friend And I thought you're the poo bear you do remind me of poo. Yes, sir. Yes, sir equine diarrhea equine diarrhea. Is that on there? Oh, yeah Equine diarrhea I would have edited that down. Well, why is it just the music? I don't know. That's weird I don't know. First we have to understand the characteristics of normal equine poop Chaped fecal balls loose stool fecal balls that have excess water before or after defecation

Cow pie watery diarrhea or even projectile diarrhea, projectile diarrhea, projectile diarrhea, fecal matter Or fecal fluid that's dried on the horse's mouth. It's a mashup. Equine diarrhea, equine diarrhea, Equine diarrhea by an excess of water or fluid in the horse's stool Retarded. That's good. Yeah, that's good Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's see another one another page. Yeah Let's see you go good old school here. Oh my god. These are old. They're real old Watch your profanity There's the Atlantic Ocean and the Pacific Ocean but some of you pronounce specific as pacific the word is specific

The ocean is pacific Okay, watch your profanity. Some of you. That's so funny. Oh man, there's a lot. Yeah It's a good one. JJ. Yeah, ice JJ. Ice JJ fish. Yeah Yeah, he's really watch all profanity. Watch all profanity. Oh sharkisha. Remember sharkisha song right there Is that sharkisha sharkisha no Sharkisha Sharkisha no It's good

Sharkisha no But he's supposed to be my nigga though. Amazing. Yeah. Oh my gosh. He's supposed to be my nigga though Honestly, he's supposed to be my nigga though. You have to wipe down. He's supposed to be my nigga though It's amazing sharkisha no Where did um, she's I forget her name that sent this in she's in dc. Yeah, we met her right. Yeah, dc I think yeah We actually got some eaters. So maze what is a maze is that you made that song? Yeah, that's really good

um There's so many funny people who listen to this show Going through this board. Yeah, the board's so much fun white tigress and yeah, ain't nobody got time for that Yep Mm-hmm. I remember that Watch all profanity. It's so much stuff, man. We've done this show a long time. Yeah This is so funny. God Choking and gagging is certainly a turnoff and

Giving a great blow job doesn't require that you reenact a deep throat porn scene It's I'll put do put your dick between your legs. Is that right there? The angel put your dick between your legs You're gonna start with the tip of your tongue on the top right side of the head of his penis You're gonna cross over the shaft to the left side of the testicles Over to the right. There you go. I was back over the shaft to the left side and then you're gonna suck Then you're gonna take the tip of your tongue and start on the left side of the head of his penis Cross over the shaft to the right testicle over to the left. Hey, did I you mentioned that tamar is leaving

Dude the the talk or the real the real Yeah, there's the real Of the talk. I don't know. I can't remember now. You watched it. I have I you know again having a kid puts you in a Fucking wormhole. Yeah, you miss out on everything But yeah, so she was on I think it's the real Lonnie love who I love who's a great friend Yeah Is on that show and then there's like Oh, and also, what's her name one of the twins the famous twins from the stupid sister sister show

Yeah, yeah, they're a fucking ball this Dude that guy was in our old neighborhood in rampart Yeah, anyway, so why is she leaving? You're the one who told me well, I saw I saw a an article about it that said um You know, they're parting ways They did They did a One of those joint statements, you know, shout out to all the pair

Shout out to all the pair to all the pair. Let's see if it's in this here Braxton no not there. Um, did I not text it to you? Uh, you I didn't see the story. I didn't have a minute to but I you just saw that tamar is leaving the view. I mean, I keep calling it the wrong show. It's the real And I'm curious to know if it's because she got a better offer Or she wants to tour. I know she just on instagram she goes I'm finally back and she was performing. It is the real it is the real but she was she's like I haven't sang in six months. I'm like, how the fuck do you know?

I'm not saying for six months unless you're sick or something. Yeah Okay, well, let's see Tony You have a bio kick coming out from lifetime called tony braxton unbreak my heart I'm smelling my farts I'm involved Were you in the creative process, you know, I started writing the book I didn't want to be involved creatively because it's are you finding this? I don't know because it's on the page

Okay, it says by now you probably have heard that tamar braxton has been cut From daytime panel talk show the real while there has been Major speculation as to why the singer says betrayed Yeah, who as to who betrayed her. Oh potentially leading To her getting fired new reports show may not have been any of her co-hosts after the day before The day before the joint statement came out She posted on her instagram That she trusts somebody that she shouldn't have who betrayed who betrayed her. Wow

I wonder according to the jasmine brand All four remaining co-hosts were blindsided by the news of taymark's departure a source said They were completely left in the dark and are devastated by the news since they all truly got along behind the scenes The ladies allegedly didn't even know a show issue statement was being put out to the public also Even if the remaining hosts banded together to stop this decision from moving forward They couldn't since they each have their own individual contract which causes them to have different compensation blah blah I'm guessing it's money Yeah, it's always money. She probably wanted a lot of money

Don't blame her. She's kind of the the star, you know, right? Yeah, I mean because the the joint statement came out and said, you know Uh, we're we're parting ways and all this stuff and like we wish her the best and she was happy It was one of those things where See earlier, this is before she the the statement. I love you all, but I've been stabbed in the back by someone I stupidly trusted. Oh, not my man or my sisters I'm not about to be tried and tested to snitch and it's not in a good taste to tell you who But as you termations, no, you're very smart. You can figure things out on your own

Uh, and then it goes on and on but But the day after that she got the boot Wow Yeah, here's I wonder because this is a bullshit statement here. Read this statement. Yeah, this is um Okay, let me see if I can read it here. It says the real And tamar brax and have mutually decided that tamar will not be continuing with the show for its upcoming third season She will be leaving in order to concentrate on her solo career

Everyone associated the real associated with the real appreciates tamar's efforts and the contributions She has made to the show's success and we wish her all the best for the future. Wow. That sounds like some bullshit Just noticing how different she looks. Yeah, she's like, I mean she's had a lot of work done You got to work work work work work work. You got to do work on your face. She has so much work done, man She looks like a totally different, uh, human. She really does. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Will you never let me get like that? Um, I would be really sad if you did that to yourself really sad

If you did that to yourself, that's just a sign of losing your mind. Hmm. See now. I'm curious. I gotta ask lani on the down low What? Yeah, well then you can't report it here though because it's gotta be I gotta know. I know she told me that they got along. I've heard that they get along on the show I believe that it's just, you know, unfortunate. All right. Um, We gotta get going here. Hmm. This i'm so excited to play for you. Uh One of our very talented listeners We get the uh, the name right here

Jordan wolf took previous salome voicemails and made a song. Wow So here is salome by jordan wolf featuring brian days Um, and that's going to be our our song for the week Going out. Thank you guys very much for listening. Please go to your mom's house

podcast.com Also, uh, don't forget the youtube channel youtube.com slash your mom's house podcast new content. Um, uh Classic jeans every thursday all the videos that we play We put them up and patron starts june 1st Now don't forget to sign up for that Please go to tom segura.com for tickets to my live shows and go to thousand ranch.com for tickets to christina's Uh, tweet at burt christier. Why are you so fat?

Hashtag burt is fat. Let's get that trending Hashtag burt is fat. I love that and uh, that's it fat part. Thanks guys. Bye mommies. I love you I wanted to know what that foresee leaves me The most amazing part of these messages that christina keeps getting non-stop on her phone to me are that the person who's leaving them Never hears back from whoever she's contacting whoever you're contacting hates you Like how about you just uh, you guys aren't friends. No, there's there's no love there Salome

I assume you were my message I called today A different number than you texted from They got your text Got your text calling because I thought that I should Salome salome Salome salome Salome salome

Salome Tell me. Tell me. Tell me. Tell me to the beat. Fuck you about anything Salome salome Salome Tell me tell me tell me to the beat. Fuck you about anything J.J. Korn is supposed to you So, you know, you tell me That's the laziest person

Salome It's a joke. They give you a hard time Salome Salome Fish and spinach they've been on my mind Fish and spinach hold on She forgot her blood pressure Salome

Salome Tell me. Tell me. Tell me. Tell me to the beat. Fuck you about anything Salome Tell me. Tell me. Tell me to the beat. Fuck you about anything I assume you heard my message I called today A different number than you texted from Oh, yeah, thank you.

Got your text. That sounds good. That's your text. Calling because I thought that I should Salome Salome Salome Salome Salome

Salome Salome Salome Salome Salome Salome Tell me. Tell me. Tell me. Tell me to the beat. Fuck you about anything Salome

Salome Tell me. Tell me. Tell me. Tell me to the beat. Fuck you about anything The 10th or 12th message in a row Do you know that Salome doesn't care anymore? Tell me to the beat. Fuck you about anything You know, I don't know if she's gonna wake me up in the morning I'm gonna wake up in the morning Don't worry about it. It's been a long time ago

Jesus Oh man, so good. That's good stuff. Yeah, that's good stuff