Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 347-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: June 8, 2016

If you puke on TV but then keep doing your TV job, you are what we call a PROFESSIONAL. Shout out to SWEDEN! Do you like rats? Do you have kids? Are you super lonely? Here's a tip: ditch the rats, keep the kids and someone worthwhile will come in to your life. It's just that rat "thing" that's keeping people away.  Our Super Jew producer brought us a video about how to spot a Jew. But, like we said, he's a Jew. We don't know what he's up to but it feels really Jewey.  The Master Of Accents is BACK! Will he finally be defeated by an inimitable cadence?  Plus FAN MAIL, PATREON, and TINA JEANS is hitting the road again. Get those JEANS ON!!

could you spell that for me? yeah F-A-R-T F-A-R-T F-A-R-T the Cincinnati F-A-R-T 00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:12,440 Art. Art. Art. Art. Art. Art. Art. Art. Art. Art. Art. Art. Art. Art. Art. Art. Art. Art. Art. I see. Let's have those parts. I see. The Cincinnati F-A-R-T. Aww, that was amazing. D.J. Orlando Airport sent that in, unbelievable.

That was so amazing. So amazing. So amazing. And we'll have a lot more to talk about with the Cincinnati F-A-R-T. I know. More developments. Late breaking wind. How you nailed that one. Set it up and you just knock it out of the park. D.J. I know you have some special dates. I'm so excited. Finally, it's here. I'm doing a bunch of one-nighters. Do you have links? I have links. Oh, that's the best.

I have links at 1000 Ranch.com. Here we go, guys. I'm coming to Seattle. September 27th. Seattle at the Tacoma Comedy Club. Tacoma on you. Tacoma on you, Comedy Club. September 28th. I am in Portland at the... Fartland. Fartland at Helium Comedy Club. October 4th. Dallas, Texas. Eat my ass, Tejas.

Eat my ass, Tejas, at Hyena's Comedy Club. October 5th. I'm in Houston. Houston. Houston, Tejas, at the Secret Group. Houston. In honor of Blue Band. Tickets are up. The links are up now at 1000 Ranch.com. Gayer tickets now. I'm doing only one night, guys. That's it. I got a baby. I can't fuck around for six shows. Locally, June 19th. I'm at Flappers Comedy Club and Sperm Bank.

At the five o'clock show. I know it's where? June 22nd. At the improv here in Hollywood. And... Oh, well, I'll allow it later. That's it. 1000 Ranch.com for tickets, please. Get that shit now. That's big news, Jeans. It's the first time she's really hitting the road. Since pushing a baby. Since a person came out of my snatch. And I like this way. One night is the way to go. And it's going to be all mommies. You know how that goes.

It's going to be chaos. So much fun. So please come out. Come out. Tommy. Jeans, this weekend. I'm in Sperm Vine, California. At the Irvine Spectrum Outdoor Mall. The beautiful Sperm Vine Comedy Club in Sperm Vine, California. Next week. June 16th, 17th and 18th. Gashville, Tennessee. Zany's Comedy Club.

I will be there. Gashville. Yep. Just throwing it around. Let's see. I got...Sandy Guy Blow. That's good. Yeah, that's for...well, you can get it. San Diego, right? That's in July. 15th and 16th. What else do I have? I have West Nutsack, New York. Is that the first time you've called at that? I don't think so. This is the first time I've really registered how good that is. That was good.

That's June 23rd, 24th, 25th. The full charge will be there for that. Nice. And then, what was set for this? I got to get this right. Somebody sent in... Jizz inside me? Yeah, that's good. For Cincinnati? Close enough. July 7, 8 and 9. That's the new Liberty Township Funny Bone. And then... Liberty Township. What else do I have?

Oh, St. Louis Tits is coming in August. That's really good. I believe that's August, right? Yeah. No, sorry, July 21st, 22nd, 23rd. St. Louis Tits, helium. And then later, Comfort Bus Ohio. August, 11, 12, 13th. All right. I like it. Drew Pork-Titties is a... Oh, that's my favorite one. Caroline's, 8, 9, 10 of September.

And then, the Trocadero Theater in Philhar up Delphia, Pennsylvania. November 18th has been added because November 19th sold out. So thank you very much for that. Jeans, we got to get to it. We didn't even pull up our work order here. We've been having so much fun that we forgot. Oh, shit biscuits. I forgot. Beautiful. And when we have a question

that we need answered, is there a way you can answer? Yeah. Yeah. That's Blue Band. He is now on mic for the moments and the many times that we need him. You Jew, motherfucker, you! So, everything good, Blue Band? Yeah, everything's great. You feeling better now? How's your nest? Healthier, it's better. Are there worms there now? Yeah. There he goes. There he is, Blue Band.

Shut him off. Wow. That's how it works, man. How is it? That's how it works. Let me get this ready for you. All right. Here, let's start the show. Jeans, you ready? Of course. Let's do it. Yeah, hello. Hello. Hey, what are you? Niklas. Hey, Niklas, where have you been? Tull. Don't bring anyone.

Welcome to your mom's house. With Don Segura. Christina Pajitsie. Welcome to your mom's house. Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop. Nice. Nice, nice. Not okay.

What a jerk. So much to get into this opportunity. That was really fucked up. Thanks guys. That was horrible. Now we have an explanation of why. I don't want to know. I'm not stupid. You're not going to do it again.

It's over now. It's over. She's going to explain what happened now. It really is. It's over. I swear to God, I swear on our baby's eyes. It's over, okay? Come back. Thank you. Just relax. What was terrible?

I just have to talk about it now. I have men. I'm going to explain to people listening what's going on. This lady looks like she's on one of those Lotto, Collin, local segments in Flirtenberg. As she was talking, she vomited. Stepped off screen for a second, just came back, and the translation on the page,

the closed captioning, says that she's saying she's a pain killer for that. You don't need to feel it. Childbirth too, same shit, different toilet. Oh wait, it started over again. I'm skipping it. Look, I skipped it for you. I'm the best. I just have to talk about it now.

Men's, I just have to talk about it for you. You can go straight in and see what's going on. I'm sorry. I think that guy's broken off. Tölp. We'll try. No, it wasn't Tölp. She's a pro though, isn't she? I mean, she came back like, hey! That was so much vomit too.

I didn't really see how much. Thank you. You haven't done that shit on the road? I've had a fever of 102 and performed. It's violent diarrhea, and then they call your name. I've been so sick. One time I went to my doctor, our doctor, Dr. Dick, who people know from my stand up, and I was so sick. Doctors, when you go with a cold, they check out your nose, they check out your ears.

You've got an ear infection, bad, and you're left ear. What can I do? I have a gig. I still remember I was playing Indianapolis. That's a two-planer sometimes. I used to have the mentality that your health doesn't matter. You go, right? Yes, showbiz, number one. He goes, I'm putting in the file that I told you not to travel. I go, okay, I'm going. I go, is there anything I can do? He goes, well, yeah.

It's in your left ear. If you get a left window seat, when your eardrum ruptures, it'll go all over the window. You can do that. I go, thanks. You asked me what you could do. Then he gave me a steroid shot. Did it help? It helped. He put that in my head, the rupturing, and that whole flight, it felt like it was building right to the edge of the rupture. I could feel the pressure growing.

Then I performed that week. I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear myself. I couldn't hear through the monitors and the speakers. I remember I did radio. When I left radio, I got up, somebody else sat there for a segment, and he goes, hey, is your hearing okay? I go, why? He goes, these headphones are so fucking loud. I can't hear shit right now. I remember telling you not to go and you shouldn't go.

That was also the time where I thought, not only will I not work again, but I also need this money. I didn't need it bad enough, but it would have made a difference. In your career, you don't realize you can just cancel stuff if you have to. I actually had to cancel one thing. I did have a legitimate illness. Remember, a booker doubted how sick you were. I was like, bro, trust me, you don't light heartedly cancel a week. There was that flight I puked on, the whole flight.

Then I spent the night there puking and then flew back. Then they gave me, so what's going on with you? Look at my track record. That's why we're so reluctant to cancel because these assholes do go like, come on, man, are you really bleeding out of your ass or what's happening? I don't think so. You can still perform. Come on, monkey dance. You're like, no, bro. I remember the guy was like, you canceled on me last second.

I'm throwing up and shitting. I'm both ends. I've gotten sick in Boca Raton. I did the New York City Comedy Club. It's no longer there. It was a front for something else, I'm sure. I had a fever of 102 and a flu. I was shaking and performing for a bunch of blue hairs. I was so horrible. Why did I do it? I should have just stayed home. I don't even know if I got there and I was sick or what. Oh, it's the worst, man. You can't remember.

I'll never do that again. So now we have a blue band on mic, just a little introduction to some people listening. I was always fascinated by the Jewish people. They seem to be everywhere. They have a lot of power and influence in this world. Although lighter skinned Jews like to claim to be white when it's convenient for them, Jews and whites are in fact very different. Let it be known that blue band put this file in our folder for this show. This is the girl

who got kicked off of YouTube for making Hitler wasn't that bad. Yeah, so this got re-uploaded on some other account. Well, let's learn more about it. Jews have been kicked out of 109 countries throughout history, so they have picked up on all kinds of various genes. In this video, I'm going to teach you guys how to properly identify who is of Jewish descent because Jews particularly are so mixed it can be very difficult to identify who exactly is a Jew. I like the little girl voice.

That makes it extra helpful. Do you think Ari Shafirz? Ari's is so fucking on point with Jew genes. I know all of these guys look like Ari. Here's how Jewish looking Ari is. I could tell somebody, hey, meet me at the Staple Center. But first, meet, I want you to get Ari and bring him down to our seats. He looks real Jewish.

Of course, he's an exemplary Jew. Not under the radar at all. This is so exciting because now this opens up Jew jokes in a whole new way for us. I feel like we couldn't really go far now. Can we see how to identify a Jew? Sorry. This girl has been kicked off of more Jewish blood somebody has, the easier it is to spot them.

To successfully identify a Jew, you have to examine all of their facial features. You have to look at their facial shape, nose, ears, eyes, mouth, and listen to their voice. People with Jewish blood always have more than one Jewish feature. I personally look for three or more features to decide if somebody is Jewish. Three or more. One thing, nearly all Jews have naturally curly and coarse hair. This is due to being mixed with negroid blood. The more Jewish change, the darker their hair is. Jewish men tend to have coarse beards.

We're about to find out. We both have what I call Jew rumors. It's true that we may have Jewish blood. We did the DNA testing. We're going to find out. Do you really have a tumor? There's no Spanish Jew. What's the other type of Jew?

Hasidic. Ashkenazi. Shafir Jew. My mother thought she was a Jew. We'll see. This is quite a video. Are you done? She's like, I personally like to go with three.

People really hate the Jews. It's so weird. There's a few that aren't too fun. I never understood this one. Me too, man. The other races, it's so easy to process. One of the Jews that don't do anything except to be successful and prosperous. Nearly all Jews have naturally curly and coarse hair. That's how you spot the hair. Classic ways looking at the nose.

This is so racist. That drawing looks like Ari. That's so weird. It's sweaty and greasy. Eyebrows, arch up. Welcome to This Is Not Happening. We got a lot of stories. If somebody is a Jew, is by looking at their nose. Thank you, Blue Man.

Jeans. A lot to cover today. What do you have for me? Where do we begin? Let's do some personal news first of all. The other day, you and I, well, this was actually last night, I was in the bathroom, you and the baby's room, and we both burped at the same time. That was really weird.

In different rooms. Unprompted. I asked you, what is that called? You famously named the double pipe classic. I don't know if people give you credit for that. I appreciate you for saying that. When two love birds burp or fart in different rooms without seeing each other, it's called synergy. Synergy. I feel like that is what we have.

I was just walking out of that room. Yours at the same time. We farted at the same time too. Unprovoked. You have to be really connected to somebody for that to happen. It's like when you pick up the phone to call someone and they're on the line. You're like, what are you doing? I just farted and I thought about you. Synergy. That's a neat one. Synergy led to yesterday.

I thought this was a magic trick. You smelled my beard and you nailed what I had for lunch. We both have our talents, Tom. My beard normally just smells like farts. Whenever I eat something, it smells like garbage and farts. Garbage and farts, that's accurate. I came home, but right now it's a little more trim. The bigger it gets, the more obviously it really attracts things.

I think you go to kiss me or something, you hold my face and you're like, you had... At first I go, that's a guess. You start listing the details. You had garlic chicken, you had onions, you had rice, black beans. I'm like, what? You nailed it. That's the exact meal I had. We went to Versailles, a Cuban place. You named everything that I ate.

I don't know if I can do a blind smell, but if you give me an area cuisine, I can tell you which items you ate. Just off the smell. The strongest ones are right around your mouth. You tend not to wipe that clean enough. What do you mean I tend not to wipe it? You're not really clean. You're not like a hygienic person. You're a liar. I'm not hygienic.

Your beard always smells. That's life. My beard smells like life. I am hygienic. That's so mean that you would say that. They're not anyways. I am hygienic. The smells are always in your beard. Is there a product we could buy that would get the food smells? I think I could take a shit on your fucking face while you're sleeping. I think it's called soap. If you use soap on that beard. You're such a liar. By the way, I'd like to thank you.

I didn't get a chance to, but thank you so much. You left a poop smear at the bottom of the bowl this morning. It was a nice surprise when I went to go pee to look down. There was a layer of fresh shit. What was that from you think? I think it was from your turd and you didn't flush. You just left. You left like the poop cart drove through and left streak. That happens.

Wait, this is another clip. This is a different clip. This is not the same clip. That was fun. I enjoyed that very much. You know what made me laugh hard this weekend? Is when you came in the room. What?

I think it's time to admit it. I have IBS. I'm so happy. Do you really thank you? It's been ten years I've been telling you that something's wrong. Everyone has diarrhea all day. It's in your act.

It's in your fucking act about how you shit and I'm like, do you need to go to the hospital? What's the tipping point for you? I heard somebody else talking about it. If I eat that, I'm going to shit everywhere. It's going to be pretty immediate. I have IBS. That's how I think every day. If I eat that, I'm going to shit everywhere.

Then I started to do some research and I was like, I got this. Then I started to Google treatments. We started to read the things you should eliminate. You eat all those things. It was like chocolate, caffeine, artificial sweeteners, carbonated drinks, fried food, everything that was on there. Every day you wake up, the first thing you do is throw some sweetener and some coffee.

Then it's sugar parade and then it's crap. Then it's sodas, liqueurs all day long. Yeah. Are you going to go to Dr. Dick? Yeah, maybe. I'm going to go to this food specialist. The food allergist person that he recommended. I read somewhere that there's two blood tests you can take that will determine if you have IBS and then we can medicate you.

Maybe you could just not eat sugar and caffeine all day every day. There's that option. The thing about me is I always say I'm a quick learner. Something happens to me five, six thousand times. I'll be like, I'm going to do something about that. I figured it out way faster than most people. You're not big on cause and effect.

This thing causes that. Now we know I'm not big on hygiene and not big on cause and effect. It takes a while. That was kind of neat that you finally admitted to having a stool problem. You said that there's red in the bowl too, right? Is there red? There's red. How often? How often is there red? There should be no red. Sometimes there's red like... Not looking again. Full me once. Full me once. Shame on everybody. Full me twice.

I'm not doing it yet. No, I'm not. I'm not even going to look over there. I'm going to look at the people at home watching. People at home watching. I'm not looking. I know what you frozen on. I didn't freeze it on anything. Yes, you did. I can see in my peripheral vision because I have perfect peripheral vision. It's probably on her barfing. I know that. No, it isn't. You're lying. I know you're lying because you're laughing. You look like a blind person right now.

Play the piano. Can you please come back to the show? I am on the show. I play the still of her barfing and then I'll return to the show. I'm not looking. Do you see how I'm not listening either? Got you. Stop it. Are we done? Yes. May I bring up another item? Another one of your movements.

I like these notes that I keep on our lives. I think we should play a game where I smell your beard and guess what you've eaten today. That should be a segment on the show. I was thinking about that maybe. Sounds pretty good. You could try to trick me. We took a shower again so we've resumed our marital shower takings together. After the hobo shower. After the homeless guy shower. Spread the s-cheeks. Not rocket.

Piss. So horrible. And you had boogers and your beard. You have the audacity to say I'm not hygienic. I cleaned everything that day. Anyways, we were in the shower briefly this time. I don't make the same mistake of showering with you the whole time. I was getting out and you came in just as I was about to leave. I'm standing there and I smell what smells like and somebody just dumped an entire

container of coffee in the shower. I don't know what that is. A carafe. It's so pungent. Like black coffee. And I looked out and your pee is like brown. It's so thick. Do you think you could drink water? Today dad? I mean you complain about Top Dog. It's funny you said that first of all I've always been a big water drinker. Oh bullshit. Where's your water now?

That's my water liar. I've always been a big water drinker. From the day we met I've been somebody that has a bottle of water on them all the time. And since that day I've thought about it and I've been balancing water to coffee more. You really need to. I have been. That's my point. It smelled exactly like fresh brewed coffee. We should measure who drinks more water in a day. I do in a second. I think it's me more than two to one. No absolutely not. I hydrate so much more.

That doesn't mean anything. Bro because I'm prepared for the show. That just means you have one right now. Hour and a half of water. I dehydrate and I hydrate simultaneously. That's my thing. That's what I do. Wow. That's what I do. You're gonna lie like that? That's the truth. And I drink more water than you. And then I got a back up water that I keep here just in case the primary is not there. You don't even drink water. You don't even drink water. You better get your life. Compared to me? You better get your life liar. Compared to me you don't drink water.

Seriously. Wow. That's how little you drink. Okay. Alright. We'll see. Why don't we do a water challenge? I'll fucking challenge you right now bro. Okay. Okay let's do this. Hell to the no. No seriously. Let me have a sip. No. Why don't you love drinking water? Why don't you get your own goddamn water? Because I didn't fucking bring one. No you could drink my old ass water here. Let me get their fresh water. Not the fresh one. Have you even watched your beard since yesterday? Since you ate Versailles? God. Give me the old one. I don't trust you.

Now I have more. You're the worst. Stop it. You're the worst. Babe. No. What am I going to do for the whole show? You have plenty of water. You got water in your hand. Give me. It's not enough. Shit head. You're the worst. I hope your IBS gets even crazier. I know you do. You don't fit in your own beard.

God this is so great. I had a really interesting question I wanted to ask too. I never know what it is with you. Go ahead. Remember a long time ago. First of all we haven't even played this song to let people know that we're talking about Brown. It's a little late for that. Why don't we save that one. You need to pay attention to me right now. I'm paying attention. Remember when I asked a long time ago.

Where is this going? How come sometimes you make yellow and then you make brown and then there's more yellow after the brown? Like yellow, brown, yellow? I remember. That makes me laugh so hard. Then why is it you can be full? Your stomach feels full.

You take your shit right? Let's say you take a hearty shit. A hearty one. Then you're hungry again. Is that the question? That's the question. In the contents of your stomach do you think they come out faster? No. Then how are you hungry again? Probably because if you take that big hearty shit that you talked about. That meant that your intestines were moving. If you take that big shit

maybe they get a little more activated. Juices start flowing which kind of sends a signal to your body that the digestive track is going. Therefore maybe what's in your stomach is starting to move down and then since this is moving let's get some more food in here. So you're saying that all the shit... I think it's digestive signals to your brain. Maybe your body is like you just lost a lot of food. You better eat more now. But it was a really scientific question.

You know how you make brown and then yellow and then there's more yellow? You know how when you take a stinky hearty shit then you gotta eat? But doesn't that happen to you a lot where you eat and then I do feel like sometimes I'm about to eat and I gotta shit and then I go shit and then eating is much more satisfying. It's not the same thing. It's not the same thing. When I'm saying it sometimes you'll feel like full and then I'll take a shit and then I'll be like dude how did I just get hungry again? Like I just ate.

That's one of life's great mysteries. Well the good thing is you put it out there to a lot of people so I'm sure we'll get some really interesting answers. Good thing it's someone's job here to go through those emails now. You have an email, excuse me, a voicemail that we should... Oh my god. This came in as we were preparing to do this show. Late breaking news. Late breaking Salome's friend, the Persian lady that we call her. Guys, please have our Farsi listeners, if you could really pay attention to this one for us

it is the most aggressively worded one in 30 voicemails Here's what Salome is listening to right now. Hello Salome. In Black and Denny's mother fucker. Oh my god, oh my god. For one month I mean from February up to now. Mother fucker. I'm going to give it to you so we can

there's so many attorneys in there I think there was there's a lawsuit because of a bad breakfast at dinner. I think there was there's a lawsuit because of a bad breakfast at dinner. Because of a bad breakfast at Denny's. Or like a grand slam didn't come out

because she goes to fucking Denny's mother fucker. Hello Salome, in Black and Denny's mother at Denny's. A hanger steak. Hello Salome, in Black and Denny's mother fucker hard core steak. For one month I mean in Black and Denny's mother fucker.

Wow, listening to this lady go back and forth on that. The plot thickens and I mean I'm kind of glad that day we didn't get to talk to her and it just went to meow meow meow her voicemail. Because we can't put a stop to this. Unreal man. This is crazy it's getting the steaks are getting even higher. Someone needs to translate that immediately. We need to find out what Salome is doing. Salome, yeah. Wow, also interesting in my cell phone news I got another sexting offer

it says hi how are you I just got back in town just looking to hang smiley face this is from Nate. Remember Nate a while back was like hey what are you doing so let's see I mean I haven't answered him and he's still persistent Nate I never took up on his offer last time. Hey you know that the bird is so fat stuff really took off you know. I know. Like he's been just getting bombarded. Hammered. And then I got some audio

his show's back is coming back Bird the Conqueror. Yeah. So he's been doing radio and you know just calling the show and it's a great show so make sure you record it's on travel channel called Bird the Conqueror and he does like adventurous stuff. Like fat guys. Yeah super fat guys should. So here's him on I think radio maybe today Bert. What's up? What's up with you? Oh I'm fat.

That's all you had to ask you bird Chrysler. Why are you so fat? I'm getting fat shamed beyond belief. Why? What did you ever do? You know what you guys know you guys know Tom the Girl right? Yes. Tom just as a joke said to somebody they do one of those morning TV shows and he was like hey do me a favor in the middle ask why Bert Chrysler's fat and the woman messed up my name and said why is Bert Chrysler so fat and Tom just said some answer but it just went viral and literally I mean

I get a hundred tweets a day saying Bert why are you so fat? No really Bert. I have a lot of questions. Why are you so fat? This is what the problem with fat shaming is. When it's true it hurts. I mean you should see my Wikipedia page. Like he has taken it upon himself to just and he finally called me up the other day and he's just giggling. He's like have you seen what they did to your Wikipedia page? It is literally a page. It says I died.

It says I'm allergic to giraffes that I enjoy digging holes. That I'm related to the Liayakoka Chrysler people and that I changed my name because I was so fat. It's gotta stop and so now we have to start thinking of something to come up with before Segura. See the promise that's like threatening to burn the devil. He doesn't care. He loves it. He loves it. He enjoys it so much. He kept laughing. He goes yeah but it isn't real. I go the problem with all of it is he is ten times fatter than I am.

He is borderline obese. Not even joking. If you saw both of us naked you wouldn't for a second say oh it's a tie. You'd be like well Tom Segura's got him by at least 40 pounds. Does he like his beard? Let me tell you something. He didn't have a beard until he saw me and I had a beard. He got the beard idea from me because he looked so fat. I was like dude you cover it up. If you don't have a beard it looks like your chin has balls. You gotta grow a beard and cover that up.

What a liar. Bird's such a liar. You had a beard before. And birds were way fatter than you by the way. He's the fattest comic working today. By the way it didn't just go viral. It went mommy. I think he was BTW. It went mommy. It went M-O-M-M-I-E. Hello. Burnt Chrysler. The Wikipedia thing? That is just hilarious.

I don't know who got it into them to do that but it is so fucking outrageous. So funny. I go we didn't ask people to do that. People just did that. We don't really encourage that either. Changing somebody's Wikipedia page. No, not at all. It's funny. It's still right now. It says he was born in 78 in Cheyenne, Wyoming and that he died today in the coastal

waters off of France possibly from AIDS. He was born in Wyoming as a kid. Dig for hours each day to travel the other side of the world. Sometimes the only food he would eat for the day would be worms from the ground. He eventually gave up after a water sprout that Chrysler dug up. Knocked Chrysler out briefly. He has an addiction as a kid of biting hair off of his uncle's beard with his teeth for hours which was cured when his uncle punched Bert in the jaw for two hours straight.

Chrysler's mother wanted Bert to create clothes for the house as an adult but Bert was allergic to giraffes. It is so fucking silly. Then it says that on this podcast that we talked about him about how the Chrysler company got rid of Bert. It's really, really funny. I'm glad that it's hit the mainstream media now. It's a real thing and it's all because of my eyes.

It really got him. Actually, it surprised me. I remember we made the thing of the plea. We hit him up with a bunch of tweets today but it went so much further with the Instagram, with the Facebook and he said that on his Facebook page people will be like, Bert's fucking, why are you so fat? People that know him will be like, hey, that's rude. And then they'll be like, hey, fuck you. I just want to know why he's so fat.

Oh my god. Anyways, it is probably the best entertainment. Bert's been fatter than you since the beginning. For years, Bert's been much fatter. It's because of his belly it's very distended and bloated like an alcoholic. Somebody pointed out he looks like an African child. Who else looks like that? Remember from the boyfriend on trailer park boys? Oh, yeah. Lay he's Randy. It's like if six Randy's were tied together.

Yeah, absolutely right. He's a little fatter than Randy but that type of fat. That's a booze fat. It's a hard booze belly. That's going to be harder for him to lose because it's hardened. Yeah, visceral fat. That's the heart attack fat. That's what they call it. Can we pause for a minute and I need to go to the restroom. No, I got to fix my makeup because I cried. Oh, I bet. That was really funny about Bert, by the way.

Do you think he'll ever actually lose the weight? He'd have to stop drinking. I want to make an announcement before I forget the movie I narrated. Can we take a joke? Documentary The trailer is on iTunes today. I just retweeted it at Christina P on Twitter, iTunes trailer. It comes out limited release in movie theaters July 29th and then August 2nd it'll be on iTunes for digital

download. You guys can see it then. So excited. It's such a great documentary. I can't wait for you guys to see it. If you think you have the right not to be offended, either change your parameters or what offends you or just realize you're wrong. I've always refused to apologize for a joke. There's a lot of people out there whose job it is to be offended for other people. It's almost like people have gotten soft. It's the duty of a

comedian to find out where the line is drawn and deliberately cross over. Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy the best East in Europe in horse New York City has to offer. If you're easily offended, please don't come to a comedy show. When they start going for the comedians, everyone else needs to sweat. This play was specifically designed

to offend everyone. And then the I'm offended changes into you're going to die They would call me black Hitler because the Jews weren't safe. The blacks weren't safe. Lenny Bruce, he was arrested for what he said. I can't imagine that. But mother f***er is that cool. Doing your show with cops on the side of the stage? Beat that, anybody ever. Free speech is extremely important

because me being a Jew, I don't want to have to pay for speech. Anyway, I narrated it. Ted Ballacher directed it. It's going to be out soon, so go watch it. I'm so excited at such a timely... I'm excited to see it. There's so much bullshit going on. Comedians are apologizing for jokes. It's so horrible. It's so horrible. By the way, we should plug the fact that our YouTube page,

every Thursday, we have classic jeans going on. How exciting. How embarrassing. We should set up the fact that... Babe, don't f***ing fart on the podcast. It's so unprofessional. Babe, we've traveled together. I apologize. Listeners, I apologize. Did we record this in a submarine? That shows you how far the shows come. This is with Red Band.

In Burbank. This is before we even moved into Red Band's studio in the back of the South. This is the first one. You farted on the very first episode of Wyoming? Wow. How neat. That they work now on the iPhone. I just started jerking it last week to my iPhone stuff. I know people are like, oh, is she gonna...

This is so tame for our level of discourse with each other. We'll be playing post-coital and he'll be like, I gotta take a shit. It's the first one. It's the very first episode. Isn't that interesting? It's same shit different toilet. Every Thursday, a new one comes up. These are all the originals. I know I want to see it, but I don't because I'm embarrassed. When it hits episode 41, it'll be audio only, but it'll be up there.

There's gonna be some episodes with up to 40 that have missing video. Yeah, we didn't do it. Did we burp on that first one? Just fart. That is pretty special, man. Good to see we kept it real from the jump. I haven't seen this, but this says there's Queen-Ass Ripper? Who's that?

It should be. Someone submitted it. I think I found Queen-Ass Ripper. Someone records it for her. There's a weird porn guy that prompts her. Really? Interesting. Let's take a listen. Stinky farts all day. They've been coming out of my big old butt.

Oh my gosh. I have four big hard-billed eggs today. That'll do it. Maybe that's the lady for the king. Could be. I don't think he wants to be set up. I feel like he's just happy living him and his farts. And his food. And his mayonnaise. He's an artist. Stinky. They're so gassy.

She seems so much sweeter than him. He's not like... I need a woman. I can't believe it. I bet you like those stinky farts I've been doing all day. Give me the girl that does it for the love of the game. I think I should stop eating eggs for breakfast. I want someone that's in it.

For the love of the fart. That's good. But her work is good. When it's good, it's good. If we could see her, we could at least identify if she was a Jew. Let's move on. Something alarming to talk about. Are we doing it? I just had my stomach lurched.

I have something in the pit of my stomach. I'm so upset about it already. Last week, it was a huge episode speaking of farts. Somebody brought in the question, the authenticity of Cincinnati Fart. We ended up calling the hotel. We went through this whole ordeal with them. Then we made an addendum that we tacked onto the episode. There's a video of it where we discuss it and we break down in that moment that we figured it out, that we were in fact

in 808. We're so embarrassed that we considered not even doing what we're about to do right now. But we have to be honest with the mommies. We can't live a lie. The Cincinnati Fart is not about lies. It's too important, Tom. It's too important. We have too much respect for you to make you believe that it's okay to do this. It's not.

Right now, cancel your reservations for room 808 because the Cincinnati Fart happened in room 618. God, I'm so ashamed. Look, this is the Watergate of your mom's house. This is a massive scandal. Tom and I want to come clean with you guys because we respect you. We respect those of you who are making pilgrimage to your Mecca, which is still in the

Renaissance Hotel. The Cincinnati Fart still happened. It's just the room number I'm afraid. We should have done this detective work. We did it in the moment, but here's how we figured it out. I do see a reservation that we did have for you in room 618 and your arrival date was August 19th. 618. Now there was two Ciguras there though with the same name. I just want to make sure I'm not because my dad also stayed there

under the name Tom Cigura. Do you see a second? I do see a second one, but it has a different date of arrival. That one is August 21st. Here's how we figured this out. Let's walk through this. The reason that 808 wasn't making sense to me because of the arrival date of August 21st is when I looked on the phone, August 21st was Friday, the day of the wedding.

The name in town the day of the wedding. How do I know this? Because everybody, us and my father were at the rehearsal dinner the day before, August 20th. That's rehearsal dinner day. Everyone's there for that. He was in town for the rehearsal dinner. Couldn't be him. Then it hit me. The wedding day, August 21st, my dad would have checked into the hotel. Why? Because the days before

he stayed at my cousin's parents home with my mother. In Cincinnati. Went to the rehearsal dinner, went back, but the wedding was closer to the hotel. So the day of the hotel, instead of driving back out to the suburbs he checked in on August 21st, stayed in room 808. The Cincinnati fart had to have happened in room 618. I know this is mind blowing to a lot of people. I'd honestly upset us quite a bit. I mean we considered... I'm embarrassed.

I'm embarrassed. I know that people have been writing reviews and saying that they crawled on their hands and knees to the room and just smelled under the door. But listen, 808 is not... Now, in defense of room 808, Top Dog did stay there. Yes, and here's why I made that association with 808 State the band. Here's how I did it. Here's how I know. I remember the night of the wedding, I went home early

with Top Dog and your mom. You stayed behind. They drove me home and then we went into the hotel in the lobby. We went up in the elevator. They dropped me off, walked me to my door. That would be on the 6th floor and then they went back, took the elevator the remaining way up. So now I remember that's correct. They were in room 808, not us. And we were in 618, which is my birthday. So the problem is those were two numbers that had association. Right, and the mistake was in the early episodes, people saying 1618.

That's why it said that. That's right. It's not 16. It's 618. I mean this is just... I'm sorry. I know. It's beyond upsetting us. But we had to tell the truth. But did you want to keep this alive? I can't live alive with our audience with the mommies. It's too important to us. So take 808, draw a line through it, 618, draw a heart around it, and that's where it happened. And that's for sure now. We're for sure sticking to 618. And if you already made your reservations, I'm sure you can cancel 808

and get transferred over to 618. There was a guy that recorded him making the reservation and sent it in. Really? Is it good? It trails off at the end. Did he explain to them why he wants to stay there? No. He says Cincinnati fart, I think. Well, let's amend it. It's not 808, it's 618. It's 618. That's a final answer. Final answer. Look, we had to come clean. Would you want to live a lie? No. Do the listeners

want to live a lie when you go make your pilgrimage, when you plan your summer vacation? It's upsetting. It's upsetting to a lot of you right now. I know your summer plans just got ruined, but I think it's better to just tell the truth. And now you know what really happened. It really happened. I'm ashamed. I'm embarrassed. I feel like Nixon about Watergate scandal. Can you imagine the newspapers Thursday after this hit that all going to be like, you thought it was

late, wrong, the mommies are wrong. Late breaking news. It's happening now. And I know it's going to, this news is going to devastate the mommy community, but I feel like we can heal. And we're going to move on. I don't even know what to do. We're going to heal. We're going to move on. And I still believe. We all still believe. We believe, guys. Hashtag we believe. Hashtag bird effect.

Hashtag bird effect. Man, unreal. Hey, you know, we're not perfect. I know. But we know what's important. It's important to be honest with you. Hold on. I do have one more piece of interesting news before I forget. We had a celebrity double pipe classic. Now a lot of you have been tweeting us that you've had your first double pipe classic. Or what constitutes a double pipe classic? There's a lot of chatter on the internet about when, what, how, why. But we got a celebrity

tweeting that the singer of Panic at the Disco Brandon Yuri. Is that how you say his last name? I don't know, babe. He tweeted that he had a double pipe classic. It was pretty crazy. There was a lot. It's a famous one. And there was a lot of attention around it. And he got, I think over 5,000 likes and a thousand retweets. People, most of the first 50 comments are just what? Because his

followers were all cute girls going like, what's that, Brent? What's that? What's that? It's still hot. I love your songs. But then some of them looked it up and they were like, it's a burp in a fart at the same time in case you're wondering. Brandon Yuri, Yuri. What did you say? I don't know. I'm just making sure I get the guy's name right. It's Brandon Yuri. And it's Panic at the Disco. Panic, exclamation mark. Because he's really, he's a cute boy.

He's really handsome and girls will just watch this guy and chips on periscope. Some girls, not all. Not some 40 year old married ladies with babies. But he's really cute. And you know, that took a lot of courage for him to come. It was very brave. That's the main thing we want to get out there. You know, it's like coming out as non-binary, coming out as a double pipe classic person. Somebody asks you if I'm going to keep mocking the gender spectrum. The answer, yes.

Well, because that spectrum is a little blurry. There's a lot of dog shit. It's blurry because I don't know where I fucking land on it. What are you feeling? My name is Chantel, thanks. And I'm crazy obsessed about my rats. I love rats more than I love people. I do. I know. I do. Hey Janice. Are you a crazy girl? I can't live without them. Chantel eats, lives, and breathes rats.

This is huffing a rat. It smells good. It smells like nachos. Looks like you like those too. Looks like you get a lot of your two favorite things. Jesus. She am a... I'd be terrified to be in her home. I'm not going to lie. I don't like rats. Well, yeah. I mean, I think the pet rat's a little more sterile than the street rat. Oh, definitely. Ha! Definitely. But I'm not into it.

I suffer from GGMR. I got to get more rats. Thank you very much. My GGMR and GGLN got to get less nachos. You're right though. A beard would greatly hide. Yeah. Kind of looks like Louis Anderson right now from Baskets. That's why he's so amazing in that role. Because he's so fat. He looks just like a nice fat lady. Yeah. He's so good as a woman. It's so funny. God, it's fucking so good.

This looks like bird if he shaved, right? Bird without a beard right here. Christ. Man, the rat thing is no good though. Yeah. That's no good. You're going to definitely die alone. Can I tell you? One or two is acceptable. I think a house full is probably not wise. 19 pet rats. 19 of any animal. And she treats 12 of them like her children. Each of the rats have different personalities. She likes to eat and doesn't like to exercise.

Janice loves to kiss. Lily is my jumper. Sweet. It's like our dog. By the way, I'll tell you which rat bothers me the most. Janice. I'm not a fan of Janice. See how big this tail is and how big that is. She treats all of them like her children. Each of the rats have different personalities. Burger likes to eat. Do you ever get so scared your eyes water? That's what just happened to me right now. Can I tell you though, I used to be afraid of them too. And then my cousin had a pet rat for a while.

And when they're your pets, they're a lot cleaner. And it's just like having a rabbit. But I just feel like I would be in her home and just with a golf club and just feeding these rats to death in front of Santa. And I just picked her up. Janice. Lily, you're not jumping anymore. She sure isn't. That doesn't bother me as much as the tarantula people. Really? That makes me, that makes my ass whole puckered. The rats

have not as bad. I was 16 years old and I've had them pretty much ever since. Then I'll never be without them. I grew up with my siblings and they were rats. So we get to know one another. Poor guy. He's like, I like rats too. I don't, but my fucking mom made me live with rats. That's one of mom's crazy things. Could you imagine having to live with that? How about bringing girls home and trying to finger them while there's fucking rats crawling all over the place? On the couch, you know? He's like, oh, let's watch a movie. Oh, that's Lily. Don't worry about it.

That and having like a boa constrictor or a python as a pet, you know, those people and then they're like, whoops, the snake got out. Oh yeah. No, no, no. That's not true. No. Why are you doing this? Stop. Just stop. There's rescue centers for a reason. Animal Wildlife Center. And then you hear those idiots in Florida that get crocodiles in their bathtubs and then they grow up, you know? They caught on video that one that's been in a golf course for 19 years. Oh God. Easily 500 pounds. Oh man. Let me tell you,

you need to take that gator and put it somewhere else. It's not okay. Not okay to have that thing working. It's terrifying. What do you think the deal is with the 19 rats? I mean, I do think people get the exotic pet for like, it's an attention thing. Well, she's the same thing as, this is filling an emotional need. This is like a hoarder, you know? 19 of any animal, something wrong. 19 of a rat. Like when you get an out of the norm pet that many times. Yeah.

Yeah, you could tell someone's got a lot of emotional. That's like eating diapers and stuff. Eating diapers? Yeah. Eating the diaper. Yeah, they eat the diaper. The dirty diaper. Yeah, it's a strange addiction in an episode. Haven't heard that one yet. Eat the mattress. Oh, I've seen that one. Yeah. Nail polish. And then they go, what's really going on? They're like, I was abused. That's what you're filling the hole with. That was Melissa. I never dealt with it. Yeah, it's bad. It's bad.

It's bad. Yeah. I sometimes, I think two dogs is even eccentric, you know? Yeah. It's enough. Pretty cool. No, I'm saying came in. You want to see it? Yeah. It's been a while. Tell us what's popping with you, yo. You more, you more low key with it. Like you more low key, but yo, I listen to your mixtape, son. You know what I'm saying? We just out here, you know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? I got shit working on you. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You think Miss Asshole can move his dirty fucking legs?

So this nice guy can have his interview. His nice moment. Yeah. Stupid fucking weed socks. What are those guys? That's Tyler the creator. And what are they? Golf? They go by golf though, right? Yeah. Like that's the crew. Golf, man. Yeah. Patreon. Patreon, by the way, popping off. Thanks everybody that signed up. There's a bonus episode up. One is the next bonus episode go up. The other one we did. Whenever we want. Oh really? So there'll be another one. Let's do it next week. Cool. Next episode goes up next week. Bonus content.

Sign up and you get extra your mom's house. It's just extras. It's not going to affect what we do here ever, ever. Here's a really intense, I mean intense vocal fry. Oh boy. From a man. Usually vocal fry is more prominent in women. Young women. Yeah. And it's a Kardashian effect. It's like yeah. Yeah. And Steven Seagal.

And Steven Seagal. Yeah. Honestly. Honestly. So, but check out this guy. This guy does it so intensely and for so long. You know what I'm saying? Hi, I'm Rob with Zycar. Today I'd like to introduce you to our latest humidification device, the Humafan. The Humafan is our humidor air circulator. So your first question might be why do I need a humidor

air circulator? And the reason for that is the humidity actually rises and it's lighter than air. So inside of your humidor, especially if it's a lot. If you're wondering what's so crazy about that, it's because you might not realize it at the time, but it's a deliberate act. It's a deliberate choice to make your voice do that. Your voice doesn't do that on its own. You have to make it happen. And you can do it so much that it becomes second nature. It's actually really harsh on your vocal chords.

Yeah, but that sounds like he's just being lazy. He doesn't want to announce yet. But he's actually, yeah, it's a lazy way of doing it. This is actually happening. I develop this humidor thing and I'm proud of myself. You know, you think that they would also... The humidity actually rises and it's lighter than air. So inside of your humidor, especially if it's a larger humidor you might have to have a higher humidity level.

A more inspiring guy to do the video for the product. Well, he probably insisted on doing it. He goes, I have the best vocal fry. I want to do it. What's this thing? Oh, yes, I have it queued up. So I bought a new mic and we tested it. And it's so great that we're buying a second one. It was too good to put on the show today because it would have been one mic only. And then you sound like you're in a tin can and I sound amazed. So what I did was, I did

radio a couple of weeks ago and I remember and the guy was saying, oh, what do you use for your podcast for mics? And I told him these Sure SM7s and he goes, well, the best ones are these EV, RE20s. And I didn't really remember entirely. I remember that somewhere in the number was RE or 20. So I just pull up the company and they have an RE20 and an RE320. And I go, well, which one should I get? And then I realized I could

probably just Google a comparison and then I realized I could and this is what I got. It's really interesting. Here I have the capsules from each, the RE20 and the RE320. As you can see, they're quite different. The RE320 uses the same capsule design as in the RE27. You're doing something sneaky and I know it. Nothing bad's coming. No, no, no, no, no, no. RE20s are external tubes and the RE320s are integrated into the capsule structure. I meant for a microphone comparison.

This guy says a lot of stuff that a lot of people maybe don't understand about microphones. The RE20 uses a standard gas magnet to create its energy and the RE320 uses a neodymium magnet to create its voltage. So the RE320... So I'm like, well, which mic should I get? We'll have a brighter and higher output. The RE20 sensitivity is 1.5 millivolts per Pascal and the RE320 is 2.5 millivolts and they both have humbucking coils to eliminate EMI. The RE20s is an enclosed bobbin wire

directly below the element and the RE320s is an exposed coil wire on the outside of the capsule. And to achieve its brighter top end the RE320 contains this extra resonator dome which collects and excites each half around 9K. And what makes the RE310 capsule different from the RE27? This is this new diaphragm. It's geometry and low mass high velocity mylar. I go, I think I want to get the RE20 but then

transient response and vivid detail. So those are the differences of the capsules. Okay, but what else? Let's have a close look at the switching differences. This is what I wanted to talk about. The RE20 contains a dual position switch for filtering. In the left hand position the mic is flat from 80 Hz up to 6K with a broad 2.5 dB rise between 6K and 14K and is balanced out with a minus 3 dB slope between 80 Hz down to 45 Hz. The right hand position engages a base tilt curve throwing 4.5 dB of attenuation from

30 Hz down to 100 Hz. So then I thought the RE320 switching effectively creates two different mics with completely different personalities. Please stop it. For presence. Okay, I'm going to die. It goes on? Seven minutes. I'll show you how they compare and sound. That's what I... Okay, I've got the mic set up and ready for comparison. That was a great lay. You think you would do this earlier? We're three minutes in. You know, actually the guy does a very informative video.

But Jesus, when he takes that thing apart and starts talking about Checker Watts and canisters and... Just tell me which one to buy, asshole. You know what I mean, which one's a good one. I do want to mention that because the RE320's output is hotter than the RE20's, I've got the microphone preamps balanced on the console so that the game... What the fuck is he talking about? He's doing a good job. He is doing a good job. It was a lot. Alright, so now you know... Seven minutes too.

Just tell me which one's better. You know how we played Joey Diaz talking about shitting in a bathtub? Yeah. He said that the reason that he stopped was because of his wife. I knew it. I'm so happy to hear that. I don't do that no more. That's when I was an animal. This was way before the baby way before I got married. You don't shit in the shower. And then my wife caught me one time in the new apartment. She caught me tossing the shit. And she goes, what was that? It was a mid-air. She just caught it like... Mid-air shit.

The thing flying off and it was rolling in the air. And it just splashes. She goes, what was that? I had an accent. She goes, you can't be having an accent no more. You're too old for that shit. And that was it. Because when my wife got to me, that's it. Wow. He threw a log from the shower to the toilet. Did you imagine me walking in on that one? Just imagine how much of a barbarian that guy is where a regular practice for him was to shit. Pick it up.

Woo. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, I don't even think I can understand it. It's a lot to understand. It is. It is a lot to understand. Oh man. There's not a lot. Like traumatized. I know. Thanks for sharing that. I'm glad you brought that back. I just forgotten about it, you know. I got something else for you. Okay, what you got?

Segura, master of accents. A lot of challenges every week come in. Can you do this accent? Can you do that accent? And of course the answer is always yes. But I wanted to see what you thought of some of the people being pitched to imitate. Okay? Yeah. Because it means a party because I ended up drinking with the last two years. Is that the guy from The Blues Traveler? Remember that guy?

No. Is that guy still alive? He pulled me too. Because it means a party because I ended up drinking with the last two years. You have to do the laugh, the crazy laugh. That's the best part. But what I'm really interested in is getting is for you to get to know Joe here in the middle. Yeah. Joe's coming up. I knew it was going to go here. Joe is quite the guy. I was really excited when I saw him come up. What does the opening of the program include me too?

Well, it means a lot because we keep up the tradition of singing. What? It means a lot. He has like four teeth. He does. I always wonder when a guy like this when the teeth fall out, does he just go fuck it? Does he think they're in the way? Does he think? Thank God that fell off like a scab. You're like, ah, god damn. But waiting for that scab to fall off for a week. Because now he's got his drinking

mouth back. He's got his liquid mouth. Ready to go. My favorite is you do look in a mirror. You know that that's hair growing out of your nose. What else do you see about the end of this nose? It's quite red. Bukowski? It's so intense. We have a friend that has a similar nose. He's also pretty fat. One, two, two fees. No, three, four, five teeth.

Oh my god. The straw can fit right here. Yep. Let's see. Let's see if I can nail his accent. It means a lot because we keep up the tradition of singing. We always think of everything like that. We have dance here and everything. It means that I came to sing in your tradition. We always think of everything like that.

We always think of everything like that. Why do they cut to the sheep? Do you know that he just spoke English there though? I don't think so. There's some kid in the dirt. How are you not listening to what he's saying? There's so much happening. Listen to him. There's some kid doing a push up in the dirt and the sheep are running. Listen to Joe. That's a little bit of a beauty.

That's a little bit of a beauty. He's six months old. He's four months old. He's four months old. He's ten months old. He's ten months old. He's ten months old. He's ten months old.

He's black fat. How is he right now giving me a little back to you? No, go ahead. This is going to be a hard one even for the master to mimic. How is he right now giving me a little back to you? How is he right now giving me a little back to you? No clue. One more time.

How is he right now giving me a little back to you? How is he right now giving me a little back to you? Is that it? That was perfect. How is he right now giving me a little back to you? How is he right now giving me a little back to you? I wish we could drink back to him. Now he goes, at least we were raped back then.

He did not. I wish we could drink and go back to the farm. I wish we could drink and go back to the farm. How is he right now giving me a little back to you? I wish I was raped though. A squire back to the hose. Let me translate. How is he right now giving me a little back to you?

I wish we could drink and go back to the squire. I wish I was raped though to go back to the squalion. How is he right now giving me a little back to you? How is he right now giving me a little back to you? This is unbelievable. What language is this? What is this? This is Gaelic or something? Had you missed the pub? Had you missed the pub?

Had you missed the pub when it burned down? We would have to spin the table. We can spin this. Jesus! Had you missed the pub when it burned down? You missed the pub when it burned down. We would have to spin the table. We would have to spin the table.

Something tells me that when the pub burned down, Joe didn't drink. It wasn't that no pub equaled no drinks for Joe. Joe was still able to find a way. He's pouring himself a pint right here. We would have to build you up an outlet and we would have to spin the table. That was everybody. We would have to build you up an outlet and we would have to spin the table. We would have to build you up an outlet and we would have to spin the table.

There's something about BRT. We would have to build you up an outlet and we would have to spin the table. BRT B. We would have to go spend it. We got Splendid. Maybe he's like my dad, sweetener Splenda. We got cats with Splenda. Just to be your challenge.

We got Splendid. Nailed it again. That scarecrow hat's terrifying too. Imagine that guy. I know where you're going. Which one of those three guys would you blow? Of those disgusting Irishmen. The microphone guy. He's not a bloated alcoholic.

I can't understand where he's saying. The pub opened. Some meeting people. We were over at the outlet. You have the news of the person. You have the back and you have the banter. I can hear him. Let's start from here.

I don't know where this is. Some meeting people. We were over at the outlet. You're the worst. Every time I'm trying to do audio. It's too distracting. Let me make this easier. The pub guy's face when he's staring at that guy's talk.

It was great. Tim, what's it like to have the pub opened? Some meeting people. It's boring now. We were over at the outlet. You have the news. You have the back and you have the banter. You have the banter.

You have two carifers. Can I please see my boyfriend again? I miss his drunk stare. I like his beard. His side beard. You have the great beard. You have the beard. It's great to be back.

It's great to be back. I never understood why they let drunk people play darts. That has to be the dumbest thing in the world to put in a pub with these guys. It's great to be back. We have a live play together. We'll get you started. Wow. You got it?

Do you think Irish people listen to our show and they're like, what are these American saying? No, they think we talk like retards. But they understand it. Unbelievable. Look at Joe. I call Joe Burt in five years. Five, that's generous. Burt next year.

He's going to die. What else do I have for you? What else do I have? We have a fill her up. Seal her shut coming up. We have to do a big shout out to Mike Johnson. Mike is actually a shrimper.

He works off the coast of Louisiana. He also says he loves women's toes. It's because he's always around shrimp and the shrimp reminds him of the toes. He always is eating shrimp and toes. He prefers just lemon juice and not cocktail sauce. He's a member of the Patreon family. A big shout out to Mike Johnson, the toe and shrimp eater.

Very nice to have you on board. Jeans, are you ready to fill her up? Seal her shut. Seal her shut. Good song. Seal her shut. Seal her shut. Seal her shut.

Seal her shut. Seal her shut. Seal her shut. Seal her shut. Real good. So this is a filler up that was submitted by Dee Joseph McKan. Have you done a Movistralian filler up? I'm pretty certain we have. Long time ago.

but he is such a good option, such as everybody's favorite anti-Semite Mel Gibson. who I thought to be clear that he was born in the U.S. moved to primal Australia. I've been there for a few years and his youth moved back. That's what I understand. Don't know. There is this super advanced Chick-A-Wop machine in front of me. So I'm actually going to look that up real quick. He doesn't represent Mom's Trillia that hard though.

He was born in Peekskill, New York. Oh, okay. And then his folks moved? Yeah, that's what I understood. Let's see. Lucky. Mom's Trillia is nice. Yeah. Nice place to go. That's exactly what happened. Moved with his parents to Sydney when he was 12 years old. Sydney.

Welcome to Mom's Trillia. Do you do Australian? That's good. Mommy. So his paternal grandmother was born in Australia to Irish parents. Paternal grandfather was from the U.S. So yeah, okay. So he went there for a while. Let's see. When did he come back? Oh, and his dad basically wanted him to go there to avoid the draft.

Smart. Good. Yeah. So his net worth is $425. Dollars, oh. What the fuck. Wow. Maltesers. That's what Mom's Trillian, right?

Is that your favorite actor? Maltesers. Blueban? Is that your favorite actor? Mel Gibson? Yeah. Mel Gibson? Oh. Is he your second favorite actor?

Nah, I don't think he's on the top five. Six? Yeah. Yeah. Wow, that's your sixth favorite actor? Yeah, my sixth favorite. You know, what if that this girl who did these videos, Yeah.

It's just Mel Gibson and they just put a pitch on her voice of how to spot a Jew. Could be. I want to do this. How to spot a Jew. And they're like, everyone. I was always fascinated by the Jewish people. They seem to be everywhere. They have a lot of power and influence in this world.

Although lighter skinned Jews like, and then it's Mel Gibson going lighter skinned Jews are fucking guys. I said, pitch it up. That's so fun. All right. How do you get the kid to do it? This must be somebody's daughter, right? I'm assuming probably there's no like little kid, some raging anti-semitic seven year old

girl. Geez. The greatest singer, songwriter, actor of all time, Russell Crowe, but fucker, extraordinary Hugh Jackman. What does that mean? Chris Hemsworth. Why is he a but fucker? Hugh Jackman.

I guess, I don't know. Do people assume he's in a but fucking? He's not. He's straight. People are always like, yeah, but because he does musicals and all that stuff. Oh, he's a but fucker. Yeah. You can throw in Steve Irwin, Paul Hogan, Aussie.

Oh, yeah. Steve Irwin. Remember him. Okay. So let's talk about what you do is we want to, I think we've probably done Russell Crowe. Yeah. And maybe he has an age dwell. Yeah.

And let's take Mel out of it. He's just a, he's an export. So I think we go Chris Hemsworth. He's really contemporary. You know who that is? Jeans. No. Betsy's licking Fivo's peanut right now.

That's cool. Dog porn. I love that stuff. Oh yeah. You're going to want some of this right here for sure. Oh yeah. He's cute. I like him.

He looks like a vampire when he is long hair. I like that. Chris Hemsworth. How about him? He has a brother. He has a brother. He has a brother. Tom Segura.

Who's well known. Liam. Yeah. They're both actors. Oh, that's his brother. Oh, okay. Oh. Well, let's pull up both then.

Oh. Liam. Okay, Liam. That's crazy that there's two pieces of dick like this in a family. You know? So lucky. Yeah. Okay.

Well, here you go. So Liam looks like he did he date Miley Cyrus? Oh. Probably. Yes, he did. Oh, Miley Cyrus. So let's look at what Liam's done so people know. So Liam, Australian actor, played the role of Josh Taylor.

Last song. Oh, he was, he starred as Gail Hawthorne in the Hunger Games film series. Oh, okay. Let me think. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, I got it. Cute, cute, cute.

Yeah. Okay. So you're real cute. You cute dog. Real cute. Stop it. And then homeboy. What's that?

What's the other guy's name? Chris. Liam and Chris. Chris. Looks like you have another brother. Luke. Yeah. But Chris, this guy's got fucking just jizz pouring out of his eyeballs.

Look at him. Oh, this guy. Yeah. I know that guy. The Avengers. He played Thor. Perfect getaway cabin in the woods. Snow White and the husband.

Red dawn. Red dong. Yeah. Red, red bleeding dong. Cause you get so much pussy. You don't know what to do. Blood don't. Yeah.

That's him here. That's, that's this guy. He's got a bloody dong. That's Chris. These guys both have bloody dongs. Now, but I feel like a lot of people who are into the hunger games. That's a, that's a tough one to shake, right? Yeah.

Cause that's. That's a really popular movie. Oh, he's got a man bun. Oh boy. Yeah. Not a fan. Well, what are you feeling? I mean, they look the same.

They don't look the same. Similar. I'm going to vote for that panic at the disco guy. Is he at what? What? He's not on the list. He's not Australian. Same.

Okay. I see. So this one's like a little cuter, your cuter, a little more Faye and the other one's rugged. The other one's a little more rugged, but like rugged because he just butt fucked you so hard. He built up a sweat. This guy is definitely making you eat his ass and you're never, ever saying, I don't think so.

It's always clean enough to get in there. Now the other boy is a little more emo and he might have to talk about feelings with you and writing his journal. Right. I don't know if I want all that. Come on. I like to go rugged. I'm more of the alpha personally.

You are the alpha? I mean, I like an alpha guy. Then you want Chris, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's not, you're right. He's not going to take no for an answer.

The other one is just, he's going to talk too much about feelings. Here's what I like about Chris. All my questions, they go out the window because he's got all the answers, you know? Right. Like this guy. I like that. Yeah. I don't have to be like, what do I do now?

He's just going to take me by the back of the head. Like 50 shades of gray. Yeah. That's Chris. He's that guy and he's going to put you in his fuck dungeon. Right. And you have to sign a contract where you exercise. Like it's going to hurt.

Sometimes a week. But I just don't care when it's Chris, you know? Right. Luke is going to be like, are you sure you're all right with this? And I'll be like, dude, fucking wrap it up. You know, let's go. So I'm definitely going. I guess I think these might be the three brothers right here.

Yeah. Isn't it funny? And there's always one brother that's the really odd ball. He won. Yeah. Like two brothers got the good looks and then that third brother. Not so much. Yeah.

Didn't really sucks for him. Didn't dribble all the way down. Right. I'm going Chris. Right. I'm going Chris. Okay. So maybe we can do a three way.

Let's ask him. That'd be great. Let us know. If you go to our Facebook page, facebook.com slash your mom's house podcast. There's always a poll that links to the, the filler up sealer shuts. Now it's time for the ladies. Oh, there's Nicole Kidman. We know that.

Kate Blanchett. Oh, I love you. Love Kate Blanchett. Naomi Watts. Love Naomi Watts. Rose Bern. Don't know who that is. Rebel Wilson.

Of Wilson Phillips. Of Wilson Phillips. Here. Let's show you who's who. Who's that? A lot of guys, honestly, and I mean a lot like big girls too. All that girl. She's really funny.

Very funny girl. Yeah. That's rebel. That's her name. Rebel. Yeah. Oh boy. She's in the pitch perfect movies.

Yeah. She's under everything. She's, she works a lot. Really funny. Let's see what Rose Bern looks like. Oh, she's a pig. Yeah. Gross.

Oh, I love her. She's the one. Yeah. I'm talking about my asshole to you. Yeah. She's great. She's actually my favorite. And she's been in the, she's in the new neighbors movies.

She plays a Seth Rogen's wife in the neighbors and the neighbors sequel. She actually has really good comedic timing. Excellent. She's really funny. Here's some movies she's been in. Yeah. The internship.

Yeah. She's doing a bunch. What movies? Get into the Greek. Yeah. Get into the Greek. I love that movie. That's kind of such an underrated comedy.

I think it was so funny. And let's see. Hold on. So for her, is she married to, oh, she's with Bobby kind of Bali, the guy who's, this guy is such a good actor. You know this guy? Where'd it go? I didn't tell you my answer already.

You know this guy? Oh yeah. Dude, he's in, he was in a Jackie, Nurse Jackie. Yeah. Exactly. And he's on vinyl right now. That HBO series. Oh, he's great.

He's a great actor. Oh, he's great. Yeah. Well, here's the thing. Wait. So that, that girl, the fat ones married to him? No. That's Jackie.

Q. Right. Gotcha. Yeah. So that's, yeah, that's her. Listen, I can tell you straight up now for a lesbian affair. I can't do the big girls cause the sweat and the smells. But you do big boys.

It's different. Vaginas are different. You get it? You know? Yeah. What if she just cleans it up? I don't know. You have to really, really be on top of it.

Okay. I know my choice, but go ahead. I'm Jackie Q. I love her. Oh, explain a little bit. Well, I'm still a huge fan of her work and we could talk and her coach, you know, won't be a sweaty. That's what I'm thinking about.

If I got to be down there, sweat, smells, things like that. See, I'm kind of into that. And I think I'm going rebel all the way. A couple of reasons though. First of all, I really like Rose. I like her work. Yeah. But I feel like with Bobby C, he's dropping the hammer so regularly that her standards

are real high. You know? I'm going to have to have like my best day to equal maybe his worst day. Right. You know? And like he's really, I think he's probably just a savage fucking Italian pig. So I just feel like there's a lot to live up to rebel. She's happy if you go like, Hey, I dropped this on the ground.

You want it? But I know what you're saying. And I think in normal world terms, that's correct. Yeah. But she's famous. Doesn't matter. She's probably getting a lot of D thrown at her. No.

People get way more love thrown at them. No. It's different. It's different with women and different with women that are, that are overweight. This chick hat. Yeah. But you have to understand there's someone for everyone. And now with the internet, she can find whoever is into her styles and types.

Listen, it's just, there's something you don't understand. I know what's what here. And I want to pig out on her and, and she'll be, she'll reciprocate so much more because she'll be like, Oh, you're a fucking like a awesome looking guy and like, you just ate my box so much. Right. And I didn't even bathe the day, but you don't care. And, and then.

But she's Australian. She's so cool. She's going to have the best of her personality. I know she is. Yeah. But I just feel like then I'll be like, you know, you remind me of this, one of these big treats that I like to get every week that it's like this puffy kind of pastry. But then inside there's so much custard and that's what I'm going to fill you up with

right now is all this custard. And then she'll be like, is that it? And then we'll go for like round two. And then I'll just keep just filling her up. Yeah. But you're saying she's custard flavored. She's like an eclair. Yeah.

Blonde and. Yeah. Yeah. I think I'm going to just. Really just harden her. Okay. Anyways, I just wanted you to know that. All right.

I just feel like you should appreciate it a little more. Can I have a threesome with Jackie Q and her husband, though? God, you're such a animal. Well, I like him. I like him too. I like them both, you know, huge fan of her, huge fan of his. Fine. Fill her up.

Sealer shot. Fill her up. Sealer shot. There you go. Yeah. That's that. What else? Anything else to cover?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What else?

Is there anything else to cover? We went through a bunch. I think we've covered a lot. It was a really fun episode. Let's see. Before we close this out, we have to do, we have to do a shout out. This is so ridiculous, man. We have to do a shout out because we have a closing song called Young Patreon.

Shut up. So good. Oh my God. We want to shout out a few more Patreon people. Liz Small, John Gillette, Chris Lopshire, Kino Trigger. That's what the person went by. All right. Okay.

And Jamie from Vancouver. Thank you all very much for signing up for Patreon, Patreon, put that down. So that's that fun episode. Thank you guys for listening. Blue band. Thanks for sharing your voice with our audience. Yep. You got it.

There is a young Patreon featuring DJ dad mouth by blackout produced by blackout or blacks out. Whatever he says. Something like that. Something like that. All right. Anything else, jeans? No.

Thanks for watching and listening. Bye guys. Bye mommy. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.