Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 348-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: June 15, 2016

If there's one thing about black women that are about to throw down in public, it's LET THEM SPEAK. Something really great and probably funny that you never could have thought of is gonna fly.  We have a new message to the Fuhrer from Dani and this one involves food and emergency services at Sea! How fat is Bert? Very. How aware is Bert that he is fat? We happen to think not enough. Look deep inside yourself and try to find a fun, effective way to let Bert know that he is fat and find out WHY he's that fat.  We have Persian translations, IRISH AKA English translations, Would You Rather's and a WHOLE lot more! 

Be careful, friend. Be careful, friend. Dive. Dive. We listened to him though. I like it. We followed his advice. Yeah, we did.

We got the EVI 20s. They're amaze. And I'm going to go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead. This is EV Micron. You're deaf in my left ear, aren't you too? It's switching. Yeah. I think it's just a loose wire somewhere, right?

This guy? Uh-oh. Cover your ears. Are you going to unplug it? Oh, no, no, no. Oh, I thought you were going to do the torture. No. Now it's good.

Yeah. This song is called EV Mic Check by Lady Money. That was the most mind-numbing video I've ever seen. Thank you, Lady Money. I made a whole song of this guy's Mic Check. I know. Hey, Rick. Hi, hi.

I'm Rick Bell. Hey, hi. Hi, hi. Hey, man, we got them. We did get them. The RE 20s. So good. The sound quality, what we've heard in here is a world apart, a world different.

We've been talking into tin cans up until now. I know. We still have... These are so official. I can hear every smell in your beard through this microphone. Very funny. We still have native on a shitty shore SM7. Well, yeah.

I mean, birds don't get good mics. Yeah. Oh, yeah. He's so upset. Native American. It's a Native American bird. Oh, that's right. Blue bands are Native American.

Right. That's the whole point I was making. Oh, okay. When a Native American bird is still on the shore. Quiet bird. Can I hear you? No, not really. Are you on mic?

No, it's quiet. Is that what went out? Oh, maybe that was the little thing. Oh, now it's up. Talk into it, native. Hey, hey. Yeah, I can hear you. Yeah, you have to be close.

All right. Thank you to everybody that came out to... Voice is so loud now. Urine, California. Five sold out shows at the Urine... Oh, mother of fucks. We're going to pause this for a second. And we're back.

Again. Shit. Third time's a charm. Yeah. So this week I am in Gashville, Tennessee at Zanies. Tickets are flying. Saturday's already sold out. I'm there Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.

Zanies in Gashville, Tennessee. The following week, West Nutsack, New York. I've never been there. You've been there, right? It's actually... It's really fun. It's a great club. Levity Live?

Levity Live. It's a huge room. You're going to like it. Yeah. And I hop in that mall. And I know you like your IHOP next to your comedy club. I hop in my Syracuse mall. I smear my juice.

Syrup juice. After that, spit in her nasty Ohio. It's good. Spit in her is Cincinnati? Yeah. You don't like it? You're just kind of like... Hmm.

Oh, actually, somebody put... Yeah, spit on her nasty. That's better. That's better? Yeah. No, I approve. Continue. Spit on her nasty.

Then I have... Man Diego. Yeah. So spit on her nasty is July 7th or 9th. Man Diego 714. So July 14th to 16th. St. Louis tits. That's a good one.

St. Louis tits is great. 21 through 23. Come on our bus, Ohio, August 11th. That's good. Hey, come on our bus. Jew pork titties. Always my favorite. September 8th, 10th.

New York City at Caroline's. And fill her pelvis up. Pork Sylvania. Pork Sylvania. That is November 18th because November 19th sold out. Thank you, everybody. TomSugar.com. Go to the shows page for tickets.

Jeans. Okay. My... So, okay. June 19th, I met Sperm Bank at Flipper's Comedy Club, 5 p.m. show, believe it or not. Wow. They moved it from the Yuhu into the main room if you want to come see me run my hour. Oh, let's move that room.

I'm very famous. And then the 22nd, I met Melrose, the improv comedy club. Come to that one, if you will, on the 22nd. It's kind of an important show for me. I'd appreciate support. I can't say what it is, but just know it's a big show business. And then, okay. Here's my tours.

My one-nighters. September 27th, I'm in Meat Rattle. Is that okay? Yeah. Meat Rattle Tacoma to come on you. Tacoma Comedy Club in Seattle. What's Meat Rattle? Seattle.

It's not even good. Okay. What's Seattle? I don't remember. I don't remember. Okay. The 28th, I am in Porkland. Yeah.

Porkland, Oregon at Helium Comedy Club. Portland, Oregon. Oh, that's really good. Yeah. Portland, Oregon. Oregon. 928. And then October 4th in Dallas, which is.

Eat my ass. Eat my ass. Tejas. And then October 5th, Houston. Houston. Or Houston. Houston. God, ever since we have blue band, the Jew Jokes are really coming.

We never used to. Well, I didn't know how to spot you. Make as many. Yeah. That was the whole thing is he taught me how to spot them. Yeah. October 5th in Houston. Go to 1000 Ranch.com.

That's 1000 Ranch.com for tickets. I'd appreciate it if you came out. Also, guys, you shop on Amazon. I know you do because you're smart. You don't like to leave your house the way Tom and I are recluses. Please use our banner. Go to your mom's house podcast. Dot com.

Click on the banner at the bottom of the homepage and just do your shopping as you normally would. Just kicks back a little change to the show. What's up with the what's up? You like that? Yeah. It was really good. Is that your wraps?

That's one of my better than Nick. Hocket wrapping. Actually, I am. And I've never wrapped and I'm still better. Working up a sweat. Sweatin. I'm breaking a sweat. I'm breaking a sweat.

That's what it is. I'm breaking a sweat. So bad. Ladies and gentlemen, this episode of your mom's house is brought to you by stamps.com. There's got to be a better way to mail and ship stuff going to the post office post office. Post office takes up too much time leasing a postage meter is way too expensive. Turns out there is a better way and that is stamps.com with stamps.com. Buy and print official US postage for any letter or package right from your desk using

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Every time you order something from us, the packaging has stamps.com postage on the outside. Right now, sign up for stamps.com and use our promo code mom for this special offer. A four week trial, $110 bonus offer that includes postage and a digital scale. Don't wait. Go to stamps.com before you do anything else. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in mom that stamps.com enter mom. Listen, what's your bed like? Do you sleep on a shitty mattress with springs and coils poking into your back?

Does the bed squeak a lot when you and your partner get up to go pee in the middle of the night? There's no need to suffer. We were suffering for about 10 years on a disgusting mattress that I inherited from a comedian who inherited from another comedian and we were fed up and we didn't want to spend a lot of money but we wanted a high quality mattress and that is why we chose Satva. S-A-A-T-V-A. Are you going to burp in the middle of the ad? It was very subtle.

You're drawing more attention to it. It wasn't subtle at all because we have these high powered microphones. It was one of those, it wasn't a rah. Right, but they know what that is. It's not like. Just keep going, keep going. Satva Mattress Company is very unique in that it is an online mattress store and I know you're thinking, well how, I can't try the mattress if I can't sit on it, lay on it, how will I know?

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There you go. Are you ready to do your thing? Stuff like that? Stuff like that. You ready? I'm ready. Let's party. Let's go, guys.

Let's go. Get your lives together. Get out of the chair, but you come by me, bitch. I thought you was going to the back. Why doesn't it go over to the screen? Oh, boy. What do you mean? Why is it here?

Why doesn't it pop up there? You got to drag it over. No. Last week I just hit it and it would just open up there. Oh, maybe because like, have you restarted computers since then? And it's like that? That's weird. Okay.

All right. I messed up this one. I'm sorry. All right. You ready? Tom Saucy. He had three bell movements this morning. Let's go.

Get out of the chair, but you come by me, bitch. I thought you was going to the back. And you're on the corner. You're the fuck out of the chair. You're backing up, though, right? Fuck off the chair. And suck my pussy on a bloody day, bitch. Ooh.

Oh, it's ramped. Don't bring anyone loving to this. Your mom in the fucking stand. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura. Tom Segura. Christina Pajitsa. Christina Pajitsa.

Welcome to your mom's house. Why are you copycatting me? I hydrated first. I came in with a full bottle. There's already been decided, by the way, by the listeners and viewers of this show that I'm the water champ. But it's bullshit.

Yeah, I saw a lot of posts. Everybody said anything like that. Everybody said it. Everybody said it. Guys, if you probably watch the back episodes of your mom's house, you'll notice that I drink so much more water than my husband. I constantly, I have multiple, look,

multiple containers next to me. Backup waters. I put Laquoise in the tiny fridge, just in case I get thirsty during the show. This message. What are you doing? You're playing your own. Christina P.

She questions my water intake. One down. So stupid. Second one going. That wasn't even yours. That was probably Nadav's. Who's that? I mean, Blue Bands.

Native. And that's a trick. That's a stunt water. You've drilled a hole in it and there's a tube and fight you drinking. It's just making it clear. He's just a leader. I drink more water than you.

It's not true. I sweat more than you. Not true. Being more than you. Not true. Not true. I'm close. Yep.

I'm the water champion. There you go. Hashtag very fat. Hashtag white. You know what? I bet if you and I... All the comments are like, Hello.

Hey, everybody. We're talking. Everybody says, Everyone says, Tommy, drink more water. I bet if we went to urinate right now, you and me in separate turrets and looked, mine would be clearer.

Therefore, denoting I drink more water than you. Yours is dark brown. Okay. Well, I bet if we both jumped on a broom and we went for a flight, that we could both see different things and talk to different animals. That makes no sense.

Yeah, cause new thing is yours. No, no. It does. I know this because I hydrate a lot. When you drink more water, the clearer your urine is. Yeah, of course. Everybody does that.

Everybody knows that. You know that when you're four. Well, then you don't know that because your pee is brown. No, it's not. Like coffee, like all the dirty coffee and your teeth match your,

your liquid intake too. You're so rude. You're so rude. This lady... The lady in this video looks like you. I love... Can I tell you what? I thought she was going to the back

and you owned a condom. You're the fuck up the chain. You're backing up though, right? Fuck up the chain. And suck my pussy on a bloody day, bitch. That guy's the best. The reaction, yeah. He's phenomenal.

Now, what I love is that we had suck my pussy, which was the Wells Fargo bank lady. Kiss my pussy. Oh, sorry, kiss my pussy. Jesus, how could you confuse those? Sorry. And now suck my pussy on a bloody day.

Those are two really exciting variants. Extraordinary. Extraordinary public versions. But one in a bank and one on the train. I like that on kiss my pussy, she goes, you bank of America, you Chinese motherfuckers. Oh shit, she's the best.

The best part is she goes, I got a million dollars in this bank. Yeah. Half a million. Half a million. Half a million is motherfucker. As a matter of fact, we don't have it queued up.

I don't think she does. Why, how come black women are so good at insults? What is that? It's got to be genetic, I guess. That is so good at that stuff, man. They are all of them. Absolutely.

Black women will crush you anytime verbally. They're very good. That's true. I went to public school in LA. I was on, this is not happening. Look up the story. Oh, that's right. The Comedy Central.

Yeah. Rosina Johnson. She could spit some shit like that too. Yeah. That's true. I don't know, man. I don't think maybe you've experienced it more than I have.

Yeah. You mean black women haven't yelled at you a lot? Not really. That's a girl thing. Yeah. Yeah. How about black guys? Well, you've got stories of you yelling at black dude.

Yeah. I mean, I've had some shit talk to me for sure. Talks of shit? Yeah. Public school in Milwaukee. Yeah. But Florida, there's a lot of shit talking. Yeah.

Just as part of the culture. I think the best part of living in New York City is that everything happens in public. Yeah. There is no private because you just, you have to do everything in public. There's so many people. Yeah.

That you see this stuff every day. Of course. So good. Are you finding Kiss My Pussy? I think so. Let's see if we can. Kiss My Pussy. Yeah.

Kiss My Pussy. Kiss My Pussy. We're trying to get this information out. No, she falls. Sorry. But the telephone may be right. It is Wells Hargo too. Tell them why.

They stole my bird. Got half a million. Mommy, I'm scared. See? I got half a million in this motherfucker. My bird. Got half a million in this motherfucker. I got half a million in this motherfucker.

Try my $40. Kiss My Pussy. Can I put an end to it? Kiss it. She's really scared. I've got these keys on my waist. Oh my God. Oh, shit.

Suck My Pussy on a bloody day, bitch. Suck My Pussy and kiss My Pussy. Good job. Good job. On a bloody day. $40. Kiss My Pussy. Kiss it.

Run in a quack of it, bitch. And I'll be back. I want my goddamn money. You beg of America. You Chinese love to suck it. I want my goddamn money. You beg of America. You Chinese love to suck it.

I told you I got my bird. You beg of America? You're in Wells Fargo. Yeah. You Chinese motherfuckers. None of it makes sense. No, it's weird. America.

You Chinese love to suck it. I told you I got my bird. With everything in it. Get that motherfucker outta here. Get him outta here. Then they go up to the people online that I got. Wouldn't you love if this was a commercial for Wells Fargo? This would be the best commercial.

I'd go there all the time. Kiss my pussy. You Chinese motherfuckers. Wells Fargo. Kissing your pussy since 1946. Us Chinese motherfuckers are kissing your pussies. And we'll suck your pussy on a bloody day. Open a checking account tomorrow.

Yeah, she's great. Let's see. Any mommies coming in here? Kiss my pussy. Let's see. Chinese motherfucker. Racist fucking kind. Wow.

That's the part people pick up on, huh? Yeah. Out of that whole thing. Yep. The Chinese part, huh? This is wrong. Recording vertical. That's good.

That's really fantastic. Yeah. This is a real work of art, too. I like this. Yeah. And there's more. Let's see what else we got, right? Let's see.

Yeah, everything else is building up. Oh, building up to that. Yeah. Yeah. This shit's so terrifying. Every time I hear black girls yelling, it brings me right back to Portola Junior High School. Like, I feel...

But you got... My heart starts to palpitate a little. You got jumped? I got jacked a few times. Yeah. Really? Oh, yeah. You like this, too?

They laugh their ass off because they're screaming back and forth, and she goes, you know what? I'm not even going to argue with y'all. So everybody laughs. That's what I understand is happening, right? Yeah. Wow.

They're like, what? Yeah. You're not even going to argue with y'all. So great. Now, the science of this, when this happens to you in public, is that you can't look. Like, if you notice, nobody's doing that. Holy shit!

Right. Like, you have to kind of subtly be like, oh shit! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh shit! Yeah. That's the hardest part of witnessing something like that. Remember our buddy that was here having dinner was saying,

he watched a public thing, and they were all like, right, at work? He was at work. I remember. All right. Well... So many things happen in a day now. I wake up at two early in the morning.

No, okay. There's so much to cover right now. Oh, I know what you're talking about. Yeah. And he was like, we were all like staring at him. Yeah, yeah, yes. You can't look when cool shit happens like that. That's the hard part of life.

I don't know what you're talking about yet. I don't know what you want to start with because there's... There's so much to go through. So much. I guess we could even go to last week. Man, I'm sorry to do this, but I have to urinate because I drank so much water. Are you serious?

I'm sorry, I got a pee. No, you don't. I do. I'll take a picture and show you how clear it is, though. Don't take a picture. No, I'm being serious. You just took so long getting ready. Just hit pause.

I'll be right back. No, come on. I got a urinate. No, you don't. I swear to God, I have to pee. Anyway, I just peed. Would you like to see it? No.

I don't want to see it. Just look how light the color is. No, I'm serious. Just take note how light the color is. Okay, gross. You really took a picture. Yeah. But I'm just showing you how much more I hydrate.

I just peed, too. Let me see it. It's right here. That's not it. It's delicious. Okay, let's go. I'm ready. I just got a drink.

More. You're the worst. Last week, one of the best Persian phone calls ever. Yeah. The best, actually. Left for Salome. Hello, Salome. In Black and Denny's mother fucker.

Doze. Kostik. Kostkes. Hock the buzz. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. For one month. I mean, it's from February up to now.

In Malatina. Hock the buzz. Doze. My friend Slay, um, sent me this. He was listening to the show. Persian. He said, Tom, you're right. This is the best one.

She said, he said, she is cussing a lot in Farsi. And it's explicit for an old lady. So what she's saying is Salome. Hello, this, this block and Dennis. Um, he wrote question marks. Yeah. Mother fucker thief. That's what do is, I think.

And then Kos Koskes means slut. But it's literal translation is pussy stretcher. So this motherfucker thief pussy stretcher for one month since February has been stealing motherfucker. I have a magazine. I will give it to you. Hold on to it. The magazine has a list of attorneys in real estate.

So many attorneys. You look, find an attorney, interview one for $150. Then get them, but you need to look over the attorney or it gets so expensive. Uh, doze means thief. Oh, doze, doze. Yeah. And Salome.

Salome. Uh, although I, she says, I recall she mentioned something about fries electronics and a video camera while back. Right. I may have heard her say that Burt Chrysler is fat. I'm not sure. By the way, she says in there in the beginning, that trickster, uh, ho go buzz or I don't know how to say it.

Uh, and Carcos literal meaning is sister fucker used as a very bad insult. Um, and doze a lot was just a thief. So she goes off, you know, wow, it's so amazing that Salome and the saga, even though we never call her back, we've tried calling her back and we got her voicemail, which was just meow, meow, meow. And then when did this latest one come to this one came yesterday?

Yes. Yesterday. So yesterday a new one came in. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So funny. So funny how, um, other speakers, other language speakers do that,

like they'll throw in an occasional word so that you feel like you kind of know what's going on. An occasional what English word, that you understand. I like why, why talk to you soon, in English, like say that. Oh, right. You're a little bit assimilated, right? You both live here now kind of throwing in some stuff, you know, but yeah.

So the solid making. Now, don't forget we called her back and it went to voicemail. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's crazy. She's crazy, but there's still, there's still never ever interaction back from someone that we know of.

Now we've tried calling her back to be like, Hey, we're getting these voicemails and I just wanted to tell her I have Salome. Well, that, that's what you wanted to say. Yeah. I have Salome. What do you want to tell her? I think Salome is a guy, but I was okay. Fine.

I have him. He's in, he's in the garage right now. What do you want? Wow. And what will you give me to get? Like Richard Simmons. I want to do a hostage situation. Yeah.

Yeah. That's terrifying. Something tells me she will not tolerate a hostage situation. I think she'll be very upset. Yeah. She come over here. Um, no way. Salome.

No way. Salome. No way. So anyways, it continues. The Saga. Saga continues. The Salome. You never run out of Salomes.

No. Uh, very interesting in the non-binary community. It apparently DJ dad mouth has been really impacting legislation because non-binary is now a recognized gender in Oregon. Yes. And, uh, Good work. Yeah.

I, I also, thank you. First of all, this is a personal victory I consider for myself. And for all the other non-binary community, people in the community. There's a lot of people, um, that we've been wanting to be recognized as such. And if I'm going to, if I could say so myself, I'm happy to be recognized as probably by and non-binary. I'm proud to come out as polyamorous. And now I'm excited to share that I'm bisexual and non-binary excited.

I'm excited to share it. Well, I'm a little offended personally because what about us astral genders? You know what I mean? It's coming. Look, it's going to be a long fight. Okay. It's just the fact that they're recognizing some gender fluidity is what I'm happy about. That's the whole victory here.

Right. But what about us? I'm non-binary. What about us? My pronouns are not optional. They, them motherfucker. Yeah. It's in my profile.

Want to know me. It's in my Twitter profile. That you have to be they, them. Just you put it in parentheses. Stay them. Yeah. That's what you're supposed to do. If you're non-binary.

Well, okay. You didn't know that? I kind of did. Yeah. I try not to know it. I'm trying not to. You're trying not to know it? Yeah.

There's too much information. Okay. In my head. Don't you think? There's only so much room in here and I got to remember your pronouns. Yeah. There's not a lot of room. So it's true.

It's tough to remember, but I feel like I want to point out that it's not a fucking option. So if you ever want to talk to me again. My pronouns are not an option. They're not optional. My favorite part of his video is that he's wearing like a towel on his head. Like what your mom does when she gets out of the shower, you know. Yeah. My mother was always naked as we discussed earlier and she'd come out of the shower and

she had these big old fucking milk tits like those like that cow thing we aired last week, you know. And she had a fryer crotch, bright red couch and she'd always have her towel on her head. And I just remember looking at her body being like, God, I hope I don't have a mom body like that. And now I'm blessed with the same exact figure. So that's neat. I am too blessed to be stressed.

I am too blessed to be stressed. Where is the... What are you looking at, Daddy? I was looking at the... You're very distracted. I know. Where's the appearance on as DJ Dadmouth, isn't it at your mom's house? Yeah.

Yeah. Go down to the unerited playlist section. Oh, there's a different section? Yeah. Like there should be a... Playlists? Yeah. Do you see one that says unerited?

Yeah. Yeah. That's where it goes up? There and there. Oh. Okay. So that's where big announcement is. So I was looking at when I told them I was non-binary.

You know, I couldn't find it. I couldn't find it. But it still adds up. That's big. In the male and female binary. Yeah. And then I'm non-binary. That's a big deal.

Interesting. This is what... Is there any... Is there more? I don't like that she's laughing and you're bravely coming out. It's like, why don't you take their pronouns seriously? This is what got this into Oregon's legislation. Yeah.

Right. You know? It's not a joke. It's not funny. I don't like that she's laughing. I like it. It's a big announcement. The big announcement I wanted to make is that last year, you know, I came out as Polly

and Bi and now I'm proud to say that I'm non-binary. You know, that's a big deal. Yeah. It's a big deal. So brave of you, Tom. Yeah. It kind of launched the whole thing. I'm so proud of you.

First of all, I guess... Thank you for that. I want to say you're welcome to everybody in Oregon. In Oregon. Yeah. So I don't understand. Do you think it's like now you can take that off? Yeah.

To legal gender. To legal gender. Male, female, and now non-binary. Yeah. But you know, all I can see is that being helpful. That's the cool thing is that it's finally, it's like, ah, thanks for simplifying all our lives. You know?

Streamlining everything. Yeah. Well, also where... Are you a man or are you a woman? How about neither? Neither. Got it. Got it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And also too, the other genders now. I mean, there are so many other ones. How come... This is kicking the door open. The astral genders. The demi genders. Yeah.

And sexuals and the cis genders and... We are cis genders. We are cis genders, but... Yeah. The dog genders. The waffle genders. Right. The, you know, earth genders.

Yeah. The fairy genders. Whatever. There's a lot out there. I mean, couldn't there just be a box? Here's my preposition to you. Okay. Go ahead and propose.

Male, female, and then just other. Like all the other genders can... I think what it actually would be probably the best way to do it. And then you can write it in, and then that way everybody gets to have... Yeah, that's true. I think that just having the ability to go back and forth from moment to moment is probably the best solution, so that you could tell them right now on this, but tomorrow I might not be.

Right. But then I might be again. Right. And that would be like, okay, now it's easy. Now it makes sense. Now it's easy for us to process all this information, data, statistics, you know, we need to know the census bureau. Yeah, all that would be like, you know, simplified, fluid, more fluid, understood, understood.

So anyways, I was proud to be an innovator, a pioneer in this field, and I'm proud of myself. I'm proud of myself. I'm proud of myself. Yeah. I'm so happy for you. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Am I supposed to bring up, is there a video? Is it blurred out, the stuff that I'm not supposed to show? Yeah. It is. Okay, cool. Yeah, it's all just audio. Yeah. But the video stuff I can put on screen.

It'll be YouTube safe. Oh, YouTube safe. Okay, cool. There's a whole bunch of stuff. What is this, Hitler? Let me see. Oh, good. Let's keep that going.

Oh, that's the... Daniacs. Oh, okay. Oh, yay. Some of the Daniacs out there, I know you guys listen to the show. There's, they're everywhere, you know. You Jew mothafucka, you. Geez.

I didn't know. There's... I'm offended. Yeah. Look, they're holding it down. We should also point out that big news in the business world today, I don't know if you pay attention to that. I pay attention to Twitter and we've been tweeted at it a thousand times today about

it. So... Oh, so you're also aware. I've been made aware. Okay. Because normally I bring up our news stuff and you're like, but I don't know. Yeah. That's how I am.

Yeah. That wasn't in Cosmopolitan magazine. You're like, what? LinkedIn is helpful. Microsoft. Yeah. Has purchased. LinkedIn is helpful.

I know. For $26 billion. That is unreal. 26.2, actually. Unreal. Did you know LinkedIn was that helpful? I didn't know, but apparently somebody knew the truth. LinkedIn is helpful.

It's not a joke. Okay. All right. All right. All right. I didn't realize that. I don't need the help. But you just said...

All right. Fuck off, you know. Okay. You know. I don't need the help. I don't need the help. But you just said... All right.

Fuck off, you know. Okay. You know. Massaging the puppy's paws. Babe. They just use serious videos. Serious videos like massaging a puppy's asshole talking about animal husbandry and put a laugh track in the background.

Like, oh, isn't that funny? There's our laugh track. He's eating his shit. Okay. Okay. Well... That's good for LinkedIn. I mean...

Good luck. Good. Congratulations to LinkedIn and also... LinkedIn. Don't invite me to LinkedIn, you loser. You fucking loser. You fucking... Boy, loser.

So... It was... It's fucking phenomenal that that's what happened to LinkedIn and... Yeah. Wow. Imagine that. But again, I think that that also is directly related to your mom's house. I mean, we've been pushing LinkedIn.

Yeah. This is... This is a big victory in your mom's house history. And, you know, we just wanted to congratulate all the helpful LinkedIn users and especially Joey Diaz. He called me Saturday and said, what's with copyright infringement, cocksucker? And I go, what? And he goes, are you playing my videos?

And I go, yeah, I was kind of unavoidable to talk about shitting in a tub. He's like, that's old me. I don't do that no more. And I go, no, I remember. Your wife caught you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't do that no more. And I go, well, we couldn't avoid playing it.

Sorry. He was like, no, it's all good. Yeah. The water would hit my ass. I would just take a shit right there. I was like, what? Throw the log to the toilet. Oh my God.

Do you think that's true? Yes. Do you think it's true? Yeah. Yeah. I think so too. I do think it's true. I think it's very...

LinkedIn. LinkedIn. LinkedIn. LinkedIn. LinkedIn. It's true. I think it's very... LinkedIn.

Very true. Hey, Hitler. Oh, Daniac. We had a Daniac, you said. Okay. The Daniac thing. I didn't set up correctly. So what we have here...

I hope she never takes her meds because it gets better every time. It's me, Danny. I just want to let you know there are at least two of my Daniacs or at least a few of my Daniacs that are on the Shrimp Scampi boat and they are getting turned into lasagna. Oh. I need your help getting a rescue boat over there. Hitler. They really need your help getting rescued.

Hitler. Please send a rescue boat over there so that way they could be saved. Hitler's on it. I would really appreciate it. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you, Hitler.

I love you. Hey, let's recap. Hey, Hitler. This was a shout-out. This one was an original OG to Hitler. Hey, Hitler. Hey, Hitler. So, Hitler watches YouTube.

We've established that. And my friends are on the Shrimp Scampi boat. Actually, Daniacs. So people that... Some two or a few. Fans, two or a few. Yeah. They're turning into lasagna.

I love you. I love you. I love you, Hitler. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

I love you. Are you staying in lasagna? And will you, Hitler, send a rescue boat to save them? Yeah. I really need your help. I'm serious. Yes. Of course.

I will help you, Danny. With the Shrimp Scampi Rescue Tea. I was going to spend this afternoon baking my favorite treats, castles and whatnot. But instead, I will rescue your lasagna friends from the waters of the city. Wow. I was enjoying a bowl of muesli when I heard your message. Speaking of accents and messages, we have an Irish pub translation. Oh my God.

Thank God. I've been thinking about those guys all week. I don't think a lot is happening in that clip, though. It doesn't. So are the clips in here? Yeah. The translation matches up to the clips. Got you.

So let's see. We have, man, last week we played, the master of accents is rarely stumped, but good lord. Last week was really a challenge. Luckily, we had Kevin from Ireland shout out to us. Dear mommies, shout out from Limerick Ireland. Huge fan of... Limerick. Is it Limerick?

Yeah. I don't know. I think. Which one is it? Limerick. L-I-M-E-R-I-C-K? L-I-M-E, yeah. Shout out from Limerick.

Huge fan of the show. Oh no, read the whole thing in Irish. To your bro. I'll wait. I'm going to wait a second. You sure? Yeah, yeah. Huge fan of the show in the stand-up.

Limerick is a county that borders Kerry and Cork, which is where... Kerry and Cork. I wanted to help Tom with his impression. He almost has a town and is doing an awesome job. Yeah. I think with some translation to what these gentlemen from Kerry are saying, he could nail it down. I got most of it, but this is because I have worked in many bars here in Ireland.

It was still super hard to understand. I bet. This is the guy that lives and works in bars in Ireland. He's from there. Is he a native? Yeah. He has trouble. Oh boy.

Here it goes. All right. Let's see what we have here. This was so fun. I actually... It was amazing. Yeah. This was one of the hardest...

What does the pub mean to you? Because it means a pub because I ended up drinking with the last two years. Okay. So he says, what does the relocation, relocate of the pub mean to you? And he says, God, it means a pint because I haven't had a drink, would last two years, which it means because I have not had a drink for the last two years. Oh, bullshit. Yeah.

Well, that's his joke. Oh, okay. Yeah. Sorry. I can't tell humor and thick. God, it means a pint because I ended up drinking with the last two years. I've had a drink for the last two years. God, these guys are depressing.

I've had a drink for the last two years. Are they... They're almost depressing, right? Almost. Yeah. Like the Blues Traveler guy? Dude, he is the best. Isn't that Joe?

Yeah, that's Joe. That's the guy from the Blues Traveler. Joe is something else, man. Those chops. God, this is the most depressing thing. They are really depressing, right, Jeans? Oh, my God. Yeah, of course.

This is a horrible life. All you care about is... God, damn. Wait, what about the Blues Traveler guy? It's coming up. Oh, okay. What does the reopening of the pub mean to you? Well, it means a lot because we keep up the traditions, the singing, and we really can't

everything like that. What? Yeah, we have dancing and everything. That's a little bit of good. That's our dancing. What? I mean, jigsaws and tangoes and thrombels and fuckswaps and... Who is his rape?

We'll give you a little back to the square one of you. Okay. If I was rape, though, I'd give it a square way. All right, we actually got a translation. Oh, no way. We cannot wait to see this. God. Okay.

So interviewer asks again, what does the opening of the pub mean to you? He goes, well, and this is where it kind of makes sense for a second. Well, it means a lot because you keep up the tradition of singing and the music and everything like that. So let's get to that real quick. What about the tradition of fixing your teeth? That's not a tradition I adhere to. Maybe we could start that.

It's cool to meet you. Well, it means a lot because we keep up the traditions of singing and we really can't everything. What? Well, it means a lot because you keep up the tradition of singing. So far, I got it. I think, yeah, I think it just translates it. I don't think we got that.

We got singing and the music and everything like that. And then he said, then he put in parentheses. This was very hard to understand something like there's a great dancer. There's a great dance or darts. Beautiful old dance here. Jigsets. And then he goes jigsets and tangos. Then something laughs and Foxtrot's with things right.

We're back to square one again. Okay, let's see if that hearing that makes you hear that. Let's see if that makes sense. Okay. Christ. We really can't everything like that. We have dance here and everything. That's a good dance here.

Jigsets and tangos and something. Foxtrot's and... Oh, he's right. We can be a little back to square one again. Holy shit. I think he basically got it. I think he basically got it. Yeah.

Holy shit. I don't know how you fucking understood that. But now it makes more sense. And now the master of accents will appear and give this a shot. Let's one last time here. Please. Squeeze. We keep up the tradition of the singing.

We really can't everything like that. Keep the tradition of the singing. We have dance here and everything. Now we have dance here and everything. Stop it. Stop it. I'm almost there. I can't.

I can't even watch it. You need to be missing teeth to make these sounds. Yeah. Now we have dance here and everything. That's a good dance here. That's a good dance here. Jigsets and tangos and... Jigsets and tangos and...

Sambas and... Sambas and... Packrats and... Packrats? Packstuffs. What did he say? Uh... Uh...

Uh... Uh... Uh... How is he right? Don't give me a little back to the square one again. How is he right? To the square one again. Things are right.

We're back to square one again. That's what he fucking says. It wasn't... I think I want to be raped and square way, way, way, way. Uh... Uh... He's right. Back to square one again.

God. That is terrible. That's unbelievable. Uh... Uh... Uh... How is he right? Don't give me a little back to the square one again.

All right, Joe. That's horrifying. God, that was bad. It's really bad. It's really bad. That footage, that doesn't look like a first world country. That could have been Kyrgyzstan. Yeah.

I've been to Kyrgyzstan. That looks like shit. All those sheep and... I guess we're not doing a live podcast and Carrie. Kids running around in Eastern Black tracks. I just missed the problem. Jesus Christ. I thought you missed the baby.

We are. We are. We are. We are. We're not. We're not. We are. We are.

Just be a kid. Just be a kid. We can't, we can't be a kid. Jesus Christ. You understand that? He translated it. You ready? The guy asks him, God damn it.

Had you missed the pub when it burnt down? You missed it badly, I'd say? And the guy says, we have. We're after building up an awful lot of money. We'll have to spend it now. That's the biggest job now. We can. We can spend it.

That's really what he says. Yeah. I never would have guessed that in a million years. Of course. Who would have guessed it? But... Sheesh. You miss the bad day at some point...

We're after building up an awful lot of money. We never... We have to be... I don't understand you. We can't... Just be a kid. We can't be... Just be a kid.

We can't be... We can't be a kid. We can't... Spend it. Spend it. And we can't spend it. Wow. I think you should be him for Halloween.

That would be an easy costume. Joe Kelly? Yeah. You just take a hammer and knock 17 of my teeth out? Jesus. Put a scarecrow hat on. Some fake mutton chops. Man.

That is depressing. Tim, what's it like to have the pub opened? Jesus. It's just crazy. Like, you meet some meeting people. We meet none when we were older. And we do a college. You have all the papers all the time coming in.

You have the news of the president. You have the crack. And you have the... The crack-in. And you hear them. That's pretty interesting. You just cock and carry. Like, you have two kind of fellas here in the car.

So you have them. And you have the overgray. Two of them. They're on the bar. So that is... I don't know. I don't know. Do we want to know what they're saying at this point?

I'll just read it. And then I'm not going to... All right. What's it like to have the pub open? It sure is. It's great for meeting people. We'd like... We'd meet.

We'd meet no one when we're out of it. And you call it. You have locals all the time coming. You have the news of the place. You have the crack. And you have the... He really did say it. Yeah.

You have two carry fellows here and a cork man. They're talking about cork and carry county. Gotcha. Yeah. So everyone's thrilled that the fucking bar is open. Yeah. Apparently it's the big news. An entire documentary on the bar.

Jesus man. But thank you so much, Kevin, from Ireland for that translation. It's amazing. I always have said this to Scottish people and some Irish people. And like, do you realize that you're speaking the language the way it's supposed to be spoken? Like, what I'm saying is actually the pig fucking version of it. Yeah.

We're the trailer trash of the English language. And that I can't understand it. Because they don't have trouble understanding us. No. We are the ones who are like, what? Yeah. And they're speaking it more correctly basically than we are. Yeah.

The Queen's English. Sure. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. I don't understand English-speaking people. We got that. Linkenden. So, oh, so this is the one to show you.

Our dear, dear friend, Kim Ann. She's back. She is so back. I've missed her. How could you not miss her? Two gentlemen. Two. With a long penis.

Oh, yes. Am I, how'd you say? Rectum? Rectum. Am I asshole? Would you call that? Rectum? Rectum.

I believe you do. Rectum. You do call it a rectum. Two. Gentlemen. Two. Gentlemen. Gentlemen.

Oh, boy. She really, really goes to work on this one. Okay. It is, oh, man. Asshole. Let me just set this up. Oh, hi. Oh, hi.

Are you ready for the scene? Hell, yeah. I'm ready. I'm going to destroy that little booty. This guy's a savage. Oh, boy. He basically should be playing tight end in the NFL. And he, he really, I think you could say it's fair to say it gets quite aggressive.

Right? I mean, and she's so old. Don't forget that. I know. She's a 60-crossed male. Okay, man. We do the scene. We always fuck hard, aren't we?

Yeah. Aren't we? Aren't we? I'd like to share with you an agent sex. Agent sex? Ancient, but I think she meant to say secrets. And instead she said ancient sex. Like, I want you to, I'm going to show you my ancient pussy here in a second.

I hope you're ready. Yeah, definitely. Gross. I've been studying a lot about this ancient secret. There you go. Because I know that all of us are energies field. Yes. And what you need to do is be mindful about your spine, especially in the vagina.

Yeah. Your vagina spine. That's a point of entry. So this is what you need to do. Uh-oh. You need to start judgment. Good. From right or wrong.

Oh, really? And you need to listen to me. Oh. I agree. Yes. To listen to me. I would agree. Okay.

I think that changes pretty soon. I think that changes pretty soon. I think that changes pretty soon. Super heart. They don't want you to ejaculate. I want you to hold it. He's like, what does that mean? Yes.

Do you think he knows that word, babe? Ejaculate. What? I want you to when you're super hot. Oh, no. Gentlemen, hold it. Do it. Do her.

Um, we'll distract it by her rack too. Wait, can I ask you something? And you need to listen to me. You need to. Will you agree? Yes. To listen to me. Will you agree?

I will agree. Okay. Okay. When you're really, really super hot. When you're really, really super hot. I don't want you. I don't want you. To ejaculate.

To ejaculate. I want you to hold it. To hold it. There you go. Ejaculate. Okay. She gets. I like when she pluralizes the wrong thing.

Your spinals. Energy. Ancient. Ancient. Sex. Sex. Yeah. Ancient.

Sex. Yeah. Ancient. Sex. Yeah. It should be, um, a little different. It should be ancient sex secrets. I think.

Yeah. Um. But let's get, is there, uh, audio then of this? It's just, uh, isolations throughout that conversation. Oh, really? Not the. The, the. The picture.

There should be a picture in that folder. Oh, the jiu-jitsu. Yeah. Okay. Look, this is from the scene. Oh, no. Look what he does to her. Oh, no.

She's a grandma. I know. But do you see what he's doing? I don't, I don't understand. Does it make sense? No. So. Oh, Jesus.

Here's this, but then he went under her legs and then on the back of her head. Oh, I don't like that for her. Oh, you should. I don't like that for her. It's not nice. Her bones are brittle. She's old. She's like.

Not in my asshole. She's, it's, it's way too aggressive. Doesn't like it. Yeah. It's too, it's too much. She's a grandma. Yeah. I mean, he has, he has a grandma and basically a choco.

Yeah. I like it. I, I demand more for command. She needs to raise her standards. Yeah. Um, it's pretty, pretty incredible. A lot of people, by the way, are moved, motivated by the, um, vertus fat phenomenon that's taken over.

Yeah. He has, uh, started to push back a little bit. Yeah. He made some videos and see if we have them here. Oh yeah. Here. This is him. He posted this.

It's supposed to be. It's supposed to be. That's good. Yeah. It's pretty funny. Um, that's me up with face swap. Yeah. Um, of course the irony is that he actually ate the ice cream to, to make fun of me.

Right. Um, let's see if I can, he made a great, a one that really made me laugh in his hotel room, um, where he face swapped me onto him and, uh, and made an apology. I think you can, I'll see if I can pull it out. He was doing it apparently all weekend on his Snapchat. He was just, I think you made a Snapchat just for this. Yeah.

Just to do this. Yeah. Cause it's a very new account. Yeah. He's done, he's done really well. By the way, people are, I've told us that they're going back to the tattoo parlor to have room 808 taken off. Oh no.

Yeah. From, from that. Look, better late than never guys. There's a, there's a bunch of bird is fat stuff though. No, it's getting out of control. Yeah. Um, why can't I find, here we go. Here's, here's what Bert did right here.

See if this plays. Hey guys, it's me, Tom's girl. I just want to apologize for starting this whole big, uh, fat campaign on Bert. It's really good. Yeah. It's funny. Yeah. It's, uh, not fair.

I'm just so much better than you. And I know that now. I'm well aware of it. So, uh, I'm sorry. The best part about this is that people were then like, Tom, you really do look really fat here in this photo. Right. Now that you're on Bert's face, you look really, really fat.

Oh man. Now, I mean, I mean, I think it's motivating Bert to slim down a bit. It's motivated everybody. I know that it's motivated Bert to stop night eating. I have a source. I won't, I won't reveal my source in Chicago. He's at the improv and I got a text message.

Hey, Bert's here and I go, tell him he's fat. Yeah. And my source went, it's funny. You mentioned that because he wanted to eat late at night and he said, I can't cause too many people are calling me fat. So we're actually making a dent in Bert's dieting plan. The funny thing is his efforts to push back are so much weaker. Um, right.

I got two tweets that are clearly from people that were at the show that he was doing. Oh, right. Like, um, like I'd look at the, the where they are and they're in Chicago, which is where he is. Yeah. And they're like, Tom, you're, you're fucking fatter. I just saw Bert. He's clearly been working out.

I'm like, did he dictate this to you? Yeah. And then I would just see a hundred to Bert. And we're clearly winning. It's a landslide victory. The bird is clearly fatter than you. No, I know. Clearly fatter.

There's, there's no comparison. No, no. We even have a song. Somebody made a fucking song. Is that in the folder? Um, no. Uh, it actually might be. I think it might be standalone.

Okay. Yep. Here it is. Yeah. Shout out to Tom Sigoura and Christina big Jitsky. I know. Bert. Brat.

Brat. Brat. Brat. Brat. Brat. Brat. Brat. Brat.

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And. Brats. Brats. Brats. And. And. Brats. ,'s up.

And little. Oh, my god. Tommy. Oh, my god. He did. Yeah, he did a comedy central thing, one called Bo Burnham, one called Words, Words, one called What, one called Make Happy, one, two, three, four, five specials. And he wrote that television show, Zach Stone's Gonna Be Famous, that was really, really celebrated,

even though it didn't last that long. Wow. Yeah. He's just one of those like super, you know. So crazy. Yeah. So, you know, if you've been keeping up with Garth Brooks lately, speaking of musicians, but if you want to take a gander at his Facebook page, there's some choice videos, I often

look up Garth's social media. I like that. Yeah. He does. Yeah. He doesn't really, I don't feel like he really grasps how to handle social media. Just cool stuff, slick stuff, neat stuff. Okay.

He's such a dad. It doesn't sound right, but I'm with you. Just pull up his Facebook page, if you would, and you got to look at his beard situation that he's got going. It's not good. Really? It's not good. And I know you as a beard aficionado, there's an art to how you style the beard to keep

your face from looking weird, right? Yeah. His videos that he's posted, slick stuff, neat stuff. Okay. Oh my God. It's so embarrassing. Why doesn't it go down? You got to do it from the corner.

Oh, dad. But it won't. Oh, dad. Move the window. There it is. That's the video. Move it to the right a little bit. There you go.

That's right. Okay. There you go. That's the video. Just like. This is a video? Up there. Under the About.

Just click on that. Oh, God. I know. Look at his beard. You're going to love it. So embarrassing. So creepy, right? Hey, everybody.

Opening night live. Here we are in Saskatoon. Actually. That's terrible. That's terrible. Right? Well, he has a fully clean face. Yeah.

And he has what would be a goatee except there's no side connector and no muscle. And it's not a, it's not a little soul patch. No. Really the chin only. And it's fun. It's, it's like five day stubble. It's horrific. Yeah.

It's just a chin patch. It looks like a bandage. We shut off for like a year. So everybody's really excited about getting back. And I can tell you right now we, we're going to have a lot of cool stuff on this one here actually for the first time. Aaron in here. He's the guy that opened the whole show.

Karen's about to go on. So we got to make this quick because they're doing the turnaround right now and keep people kind of in the arena. He's got to be insufferable to work with. Right? He's supposed to do Axel pretty quick. So this will be kind of short tonight. Okay.

I want to make sure to say hey to everybody back at Music Fests in Nashville. Huh? It's a 10 minute video. It's so long. It's horrible. You guys hope everybody's going well there. It's going to be fun. It's going to be fun.

It's going to be fun. It's going to be fun. It's going to be fun. It's going to be fun. It's going to be fun. 01:09:37,860 --> 01:09:38,860 It's horrible. You guys hope everybody's going well there.

You're in the greatest city on the planet, man. That's not a problem. Saskatoon's the greatest city on the planet. So we love you guys. Miss you guys. No. Can't tell you how happy you are. He's in Saskatoon, he said.

I thought he was saying you're in the greatest city on the planet to the people back, wherever. Oh, okay. See that's what he's shouting out to. That's certainly not Saskatoon. We're going to end up loud tonight. So we're really excited. So the first thing, let's just kick Aaron in here if you've got Aaron over here somewhere. Hey, Aaron.

Hey there, guys. Hey, dude, brother. Oh, my God. That was unbelievable. Did you get cowboy this one? It's so little. It's so tiny. I know.

Loud enough for you? Yeah. It's perfectly loud. Okay. Now you've got to help me. Did I hear Bon Jovi? Really? Yeah, yeah.

I grew up in the 70s. Sweet, man. That's awesome. Yeah, man. Boy. Oh, man. So this is like some just natural kind of banter. Yeah, it's boring.

All right. Does this go on for 10 fucking minutes? Yeah, yeah. That's what I'm saying. I just don't think he gets how it works. Shorter is better. It's going to be the funnest train wreck you've ever been apart of. Bridget says, hi, Garth.

Where's Trisha? Ah, Trisha is in the glam squad right now. She's getting made up and getting ready for her part of the show. One thing I will say, Trisha is his girl. She's a... Is she a musician? Yeah. She's a musician.

She's a musician. She's a musician. She's a musician. She's a musician. She's a musician. Is she a musician too? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, but before she met him?

Oh, no, yeah, yeah. She's a real deal. A real deal. But I do like that he's talking about her getting glammed up and then he always looks like he's just like going to 7-Eleven, you know, like he always has just like a hat, sweatshirt, really like dad's it down. By the way, speaking of dads, did you pick up on these Steph Curry sneakers? The Curry Tulos?

I'm sorry? All right, so... I understand what you're saying. I know, you're not really into sneaker culture, but you know, ever since Jordan exploded and for people who don't know, and you know, he's still the most dominant shoe brand, like as far as... Every basketball player, the big thing is to not just get signed by Nike or Adidas, but then your shoe.

It's your shoe. Yeah. These are the Kobe's, these are the LeBron's, you know, and then every year it'll be like here's a new release. It's the new LeBron, right? So it's... And then shoe collectors, it's like a whole thing, like, you know, they get into, I got the new LeBron's or I got the new Kobe's.

Steph Curry is the hottest thing in basketball right now. It's, you know, people are arguing whether he's the guy that's overtaking that top spot from LeBron. You can make a big case that, you know, I mean, he's the best shooter we've ever seen in NBA history. What team is he on? He plays for Golden State and they're playing against LeBron, it's California, Oakland. They're playing against LeBron right now in the finals, but to simplify it, look, the

main thing is that he's a huge, huge star, arguably the biggest star currently. And so his new sneaker came out and it's, it's the Curry, I think the Curry too low. Let me see, Curry, two shoes, here we go. And they have been just been getting assassinated because they, everyone's saying they look like dad shoes. Oh, that's funny. But I mean, they got massive... Which one is it?

I'm trying to find the good picture of them, but they got absolutely massacred. I don't know. I think when this loads correctly, you'll see, because he's been defending them, but people are saying like the Curry two loads do not look like stability and a 700 credit score in the shoot. Like, oh, I get it. Yeah. Yeah.

It's just like, they just got massacred with dad jokes. You know, like just horrific dad jokes. And as you can see with our awesome internet situation, it's on... We have like a thousand different internet connections too, lines. It's in here. The router's in here. We're going to start hardlining your computer into it. Oh, that's a good idea.

Okay. Just right now, seeing red, I'm ready to fucking throw this thing through a window, but I'm going to keep going. All right. Now we're back. So now you can see them. Those are horrible. Right.

Those are such dad sneaks. Oh my God. You look like stability and a 700 credit score. Yeah. They're such Obamas, right? Obamas are on their way threes. Whatever. Horrible.

Let me speak to your manager, fives. Hilarious. Yes, officer. Right here. I saw everything. Sevens. Amazing. Beyonce's formation is disrespectful to police officers.

11s. Hilarious. Yeah. And so... And then he's, of course, make America great again for us. I was told by Applecare. That's great. And then he, of course, is defending...

He's defending his shoes, obviously. He has a multimillion dollar contract, but they look straight up like dad shoes. Yeah. Yeah, those are terrible. These are... I've resorted. Terrible. Yeah.

Terrible. Don't touch my penis. And then he can say that all he wants, you know, and people say, Under Armour fired their head of design after this backlash, and they rehired their old head of design. Who had gone to Nike and came back. Oh, wow. Yeah, that's terrible. Just because of this.

Yeah. I mean, that's not cool at all. And I'm not, I don't know shit about cool sneaks, but those aren't cool. Those are terrible. Yeah. I'll tell you, I'll tell you who does wear it like them. The Garth, bro. Garth is like, oh man, I'm Tim the South Currie, two loves, this is a fucking dope, man.

Really? Pretty body who hasn't seen this show, it breaks my heart to say this, and I also say with the most pride, she has the highlight of the show. I cry every time, and I know I should be used to it by now, but just love that woman, love her talent. Oh, my God. I'm pleased and very thankful and very lucky to be during her. I'm going to throw up there, just as part of the show.

Can you believe that bullshit? No. I mean, look, you and I, we support each other in comedy, but we never. I really feel like it's so weird. Love G. Love G. Double hammock. Anything is so forced to do that shit with your spouse all the time.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, we are so in love me and Trisha is the picture right there. She's the best. She steals the show though. Yeah. Sure. Me.

Right. Oh, they're buying tickets to see Trish or Garth. Okay. Well, they would, they would buy tickets to see her. You think so? She's okay. I don't know that world. Yeah.

She's a star, but he's definitely a bigger. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I love her so much. We got to declare our love more publicly, Tom. Yeah. That means it's real. Let me see if this came through.

I did that and I go through. God damn it. What do you got to do? Who's thinking you got to suck to make this shit work around here? You know, what's wrong, dad? I'm looking for this email to come through. It always gets kicked out of my me thing. You know?

Yeah. Go ahead. Take your, go to the next thing. Okay. Well, it kind of involves you. Go ahead. So we were playing with baby jeans this weekend and you were doing airplane with him. And there's so many times I've wanted to show you videos online of babies.

When you hold them over your head, you got to be careful because they will vomit and it'll hit your face. And I've always been like, should I show them those videos? Nah. And it happened. He vomited into my mouth, into my mouth. So warm. So much.

So gross. Yeah. It was horrifying for me because, you know, I have a vomit problem. Oh yeah. I think the whole world knows. Yeah, I know. And that was like, we all, everybody froze except for the baby, obviously. And I ran and I got a burp cloth and wiped you off.

And you were like, I taste it in my mouth. Oh, it was gross. No. Yeah. Hello. Come on. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Yep. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Okay.

Hey. Hey hey. Hey. Hey hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey, hi. Hi. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hi. Hey. Hey. Hi.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hi. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Why did you do this to us? Hey. Hey, guys.

And the best is for your birthday. What are you going to do? Are you going to How are you going to do for me? You know rent strivers. I'm going to get a loan up. I felt like, you know, yeah, because they, they had more responsibility earlier. We didn't get this much responsibility until I'd have a kid until I was like 39. So we didn't really, um, you know, people are always like, I feel like I'm 20 still.

Like I don't, I feel like I'm 60. I do feel, I don't think I've ever felt young. I like getting older. That's the other thing. Yeah. People are always fighting it. And I'm like, it's great. It's great.

I do. I like it. I like it too. I like breaking down and, you know, getting closer to death, but every other part of it's fine with me. Yeah. I agree. I don't, I'm not too traumatized by it.

I mean, look, I live in LA when the time comes, I can get the surgery on my face to fix whatever is falling. Yeah. You're going to do that? Pull it up, pull it back. Yeah. Oh yeah. That's what when it's, when it's, I, I need, I think 10 more years on a few things and

I'll get these eye bags done and I get my tits hoisted back up into some reasonable place. Yeah. Uh, maybe I'll do that. But I don't want to get like big commands. Those look too hard on her body. Is there a way just to get normal looking tits, like to get them higher, but like not hard and weird? Yeah.

I think so. Can they make them look like four-year-old tits? Well, I think, I think command got them in Bangkok. So that's why they look like that. But they're full of heroin. These days you can go to, you can go to Beverly Hills, man. Yeah. The Super Nets.

Yeah. Super Nets. Yeah. You can tell them, I'm tired of these big tits farting and I want you to degas them and they'll be like, and a problem. Thank you. They're so hanging. Hey, can we talk about my new favorite show on Netflix?

Yeah. Um, let me get this plugin real quick. Oh yeah. I, uh, I did charge it to the game again. Uh, this time, uh, AJ Hawk was, um, in studio and it's really interesting. We talk about all kinds of stuff, um, from every aspect of his career to, you know, just regular. It's like such a good podcast.

We talk just comedy, fun stuff. Um, he's a great, uh, talker. Yeah. And I think smart guy, I think I have this clip set up. He's a guy who, who actually won a national championship in college and a Super Bowl as a pro. And there's not that many people. I mean, it's been done, but not that many people win championships at the two highest

levels in American football. It's pretty great. And we had him over at the mommy dome. If I mean, can I say that? Am I allowed? Yeah. I don't think he'll mind. I made, I made a shakin bike and macaroni cheese.

Yeah. And we had dinner with him and he's so, uh, down to earth for someone that's accomplished so much. He wouldn't know. He's so humble pie. I asked him, like, what's the craziest thing he ever purchased with all his NFL money? He's like, Oh, I love to rent in a nice house one time. I was like, is that it?

Yeah. Yeah. He's so sweet. Um, let's see, uh, can I play this file here? I don't know if I can. I'm trying to play you this really cool thing. Is it cool stuff? It's really neat stuff or neat stuff.

So, I mean, you've, one of the few guys you want a Super Bowl and a national championship. Is there anything that is like similar consistent on championship teams like that? Like an outlook from the players or the team? Yeah. I mean, the culture in the locker room is crazy close. I think everyone really gets along, hangs out and just really wants to be around each other. And then like, we had that common thing, that common core that thread that ran through

was like, everyone was always wondering, like, why is burnt Chrysler so fat? Um, you know, it's pretty great, right? I mean, even in NFL locker rooms, we're talking about this. Wow. Wow. Who knew that? Charge it to the game. That was great.

Please subscribe. Listen, it's on iTunes. It's on Stitcher. Even in the NFL? Even in the NFL, man. Wow. Uh, pretty great. I'm pretty great.

Um, listen, here's, I got, can we play that clip of Vegas 702? Sure. I've, I've been, I think about it. She sent it to us on Twitter and it's such a cute little ditty. This is supposed to be, it could be our son in a few years. Is that what that's been? 13 years, Alice. Set up for this.

So funny. All right. Who's this kid? Just a guess. Um, today I'm going to be, um, listening to Melody Martinez, second single off her new album, crowd baby coming out August 14th and it's called soap. Um, apparently here's the confirmed and recorded track list, but might not be the actual track list.

It's just the ones that she's confirmed and recorded. Uh, so he's definitely like a Southern boy. I mean, we can definitely hear it. He might be a Carolina kid. Yeah. He's Melody Martinez. Some teeny bop baby. Yass.

Pess of her. Yass. alphabet boy. Yass. Half-hearted. Still haven't heard pity party. Um, training wheels. Still haven't heard soap.

About to hear. Um, haunting. Still haven't heard. Sibicup. Haven't heard. Sibicup. Haven't heard. These are songs for babies.

Haven't heard bump on Monday. Haven't heard teddy bear. Haven't heard. Yass. Mad Hatter. Yass. Yass. Take yass.

A thousand words. Haven't heard. Okay. Yass. Let's get on to soap. All right. Now I gotta. Yass.

Yass. You're going to watch him do it. Yass. Um, I'm going to look up who the hell Melody Martinez is as he's listening to this song that we don't want to get flagged on YouTube's with. Um, but Melody. Yass. Martinez.

Yeah. The titles, those songs sounded really, uh, baby-ish. Sibicup. Cookies. Yeah. Child. Um, yeah. American singer, songwriter.

Oh, she was on The Voice. Oh, poor girl. Other girl got killed. Terrible. Um, please watch him dance though. Please. Tom, look at him. Yeah.

It's the best. I honestly did a version of this. Of course you did. We all did this shit when we were 13. Thank God there was no YouTube. No, I'm saying I'm still doing something. Oh, this is when you listened to your Rihanna. Yes.

This is you listening to it. I basically do. Yes. This is how you dance? Absolutely. Show me. This kid's feeling it, man. Show me how you feel.

Look how he really goes. He's something. Like it. He just feels it. Love and life. Very nice. Some new mommy at the disco. There he goes.

He's twerking. Yeah. Damn. That kid's got the moves. Oh. He's so cute. You loved it. Love it.

Nice verdict. My inclusion. As you could tell. Amazing. Okay. Who? I think he just tasted some food right there. A lot of song...

Could you imagine if there was some YouTube at this age how much dumb shit you put up? I would've put up so many videos. I wouldn't know. That I would've been mortified by. I would've been like super goth. Put up goth videos. Yeah. I'm so embarrassed.

Just thinking about what I would do. Oh, I would've had a lot. Yeah. Well what did you talk about? At that age I would've thought that. I don't know. Every time I talked shit to somebody I would think it's funny. Yeah.

I remember walking around a party once with a camera just clowning people on it. I probably would've uploaded that. Oh my God. But I'm sure it was just terrible. Yeah. It makes me cringe inside. Yeah, me too. Think about it.

Yeah. God. Are you thinking about yourself doing it? Yeah. We got a camcorder in 1988 or something like that. I was 12 or 11. I just remember hours in front of that thing doing commercials for fake products and singing. I was a singer, whatever.

Yeah. That's embarrassing. By the way, I'm going to get a mom massage and wondering what you think if I should give this a shot. I would rather too. Okay. Hi, I'm Alina Pogosian. I'm a wrestler.

I usually try to do one deep tissue massage a month. I heard about Dr. Dot and she has this thing called the bite massage. Yeah. Hi. Hello. Nice to meet you. I'm Alina. I'm Dr. Dot.

You want to come in? Yeah. Dr. Dot. So what is the bite massage consist of? Is that usually extra? A lot of biting. Well, but is it usually extra? Do you add an additional cost if they want that?

No. I start out the massage with that before I put all the messy creams and oils on it. Do you wipe them down? No. You don't wipe your clients down? No. Don't you get grossed out? No.

If you're grossed out, you should not be a massage therapist. I've seen it all and smelled it all. Oh, God. How does my apple smell, huh? I've seen it all. I've smelled it all. I am a little bit nervous about the bite massage because I don't. It's a different technique, so.

No, I'm open to it. You look it over it. Yeah. Oh, you're ready? Yep. Don't be afraid. I started doing this when I was five years old and my mom, because she wanted me to massage her, but my hands weren't strong enough, so she just kept saying, bite me, bite me.

So I've been doing this my whole life. It sounds strange and unconventional, but it's a die for. Okay. Okay. Hopefully it'll die. It won't hurt. Don't worry. Okay.

Here we go. Why? Why? I told you. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Like someone biting your back.

There's literally no other way to explain it, but it feels really good. Sometimes I do people's buttocks. Right. She's just gnawing on it. She's just biting. She's just a pervert. It looks like a little rat. This is her thing.

Wait, but wait till you hear why. The reason why my clients are mostly celebrities is a simple reason. I wanted to get in free to see concerts when I was little. I wanted to meet the people on stage who write the lyrics that I hold so close to my heart, and therefore I thought, hmm, I'm very good at massages. So how about if I try to barter? Huh. So basically...

It feels good, right? It's almost like getting the **** beat out of you when you come to me. But you feel good. Sure. You know. She gave her client list at one point and it was David Bowie. Wow. Who else?

I had it on the list on the cheat sheet. It's on there? Yeah. Wow. Did she bit David Bowie? Yes. That's absurd. That's absurd.

Oasis. They got their first massage ever. I don't know. Ever? They'd never had massages. I like those two. And she bit their, their buttholes and everything. They're dead.

Yeah. About your ball bag. I think she does do that. Do you think? Well, if it's like staying and stuff, yeah. She's a groupie. Yeah. Well, it's what it sounds like.

She's saying that's how I got started in this, you know, just biting dicks and stuff. Yeah. Would you like the, the bite massage, you think? No, I don't want that. I don't want that either. I don't need her to do that. No. Stick to the elbows and.

Yeah. Fingers. Yeah. I agree. It's so gross. I think it sounds a little. But I do like that she does not, she's not bothered by smells. Well, it's only smells.

It's very much only smells. What do you think your asshole smells like when you go in? I try to be nice about it and wash it, you know. Yeah. Yeah. I got a lot of brown this morning. Yes. I think something happened yesterday.

We had those sandies and I think it messed me up too because I took two dumps today. Yeah. And the second one wasn't healthy. Like it wasn't good. Well, it was painful and hot. It was. Mm-hmm. You ready to get into this?

You got your, your. Yeah. Okay. Let's, let's get going. I have to pee again because I've hydrated so much. Me too. I drank the top layer. I'm an itchy asshole.

It's time to play with a real sexual predator. It's time to play. Chunky. It's time to play with snotty filled toilet paper. The urine from two dirty homeless men. It's time to wipe my butt with your mucus. Homeless jar of beer. I've been to sex with your sister.

Take it in the face. Then under strikes. The grandmother walks in on masturbating. Never have another orgasm. It's time to play. It's time to lose. It's time to play. It's time to play.

Would you rather? Rather. Rather. Rather. Rather. Rather. This would rather is brought to you by Patreon patron Nate Brown. Nate builds ships in closer to Iceland.

And then for fun, he tries to see how far they'll go without sinking. And and a lot of times he doesn't get far. But he just keeps building them and he's lost one leg and one finger due to frostbite. Oh my gosh. He's a hardcore Patreon. Patreon. Patreon. And he's the official sponsor of this would you rather.

So don't forget. Go to patreon.com slash mom. Be a Patreon patron and get bonus episodes and extra content. All right, jeans. Patreon. Put that down. You have to say put that down. Put that down.

Okay. Are you ready for your would you rather? Yes. You have to pay attention though. I'm listening. Okay. Would you rather. Okay.

I wear a diaper and I poo and I pee in the diaper and you have to change me like Ellis. You have to change me in addition to Ellis every day. The other thing, whatever it is. Or every meal you eat, I have to put it in a blender and puree it first. Like baby food and you have to eat that. That's how you eat for the rest of your life question. Yeah, bababa. I'm sure I ate my fucking food, man, but I'm pureeing pizza.

I'm pureeing cheeseburgers. You'll never like it ever again. You'll never enjoy eating. Oh, I don't care. I'll take the puree. My eyes are watering thinking about it. I feel like it's vomit. About what?

My diaper? No, about the puree. It's making my eyes water. Wait, but you take that? Yeah, I don't want to fucking change your diaper. I smell what comes out of you. I don't want to see it. Oh, and clean you.

And then like, hey, baby, you want to have sex? Let me take your diaper off. Make sure you haven't shit in it. No. Yeah. I'm just like one of those fetish people. Like I'm a big baby. You have to change my dye dye.

You want me to puree all your food forever? 100,000%. What about you? What would you choose? I would change your diaper. I feel like the same thing. Like I've already smelled and seen everything. Who cares?

Like I'm already changing shit diapers every day. I enjoy eating too much to puree everything. You would do it? Yeah. Why wouldn't you change my dye dye? No, I'm saying I would change your dye dye. Oh, you would? Yeah.

I'm saying I would prefer that to puree everything I ever eat because I enjoy eating too much. Your shits are disgusting and so are Ellis's. I just wipe it up and move on. I have to get a much bigger diaper genie. You'd probably start trimming the hair back there too because it makes the cleanup way longer. Trimming your hair?

Yeah. Changing my, trimming my butthole hair. Yeah, that's true. I never thought of that. We're going to have to get you waxed for sure. And then I would... I'd still put it off. I haven't done it.

I know. No, we'll just make sure that you do that. Do you want to hear some submitted ones that came in? Nick said, would you rather have horrendous nasty sewer mouth that everyone around you can smell whenever they're around you or everyone around you has putrid, wicked, bad breath that only you can smell? So either everyone's smelling your bad breath

or you're smelling everyone else's bad breath? I'd rather smell everyone else's than be the source of misery. Oh, man, that's rough. I just had an Uber ride and I sat up front. I was with my cousin and her husband. And have you ever had that where you could smell the driver's breath from across the other seat and you're like, Jesus, man. It's like someone's shit in your mouth.

And it wafts over. I crack the window. And I lean my head out just to breathe. I kind of like Feef's shitty smelly dog mouth. It smells like a fish market, but I kind of like it. I don't know why. Yeah. Because he's just so sweet.

Oh, man. What would you choose? I think I would have to just be shit mouth. You'd be the shit mouth. Yeah. Oh, but then what about us and our marriage? You don't care? No, I do, but you just fight through it, man.

I have to suffer. You're basically saying that I have to suffer. Right, so that I don't suffer. It's terrible. You choose me over you suffering. That's not love. What do you mean it's not love? I'm choosing to smell everyone else's so that I don't make other people suffer.

You're choosing to make other people suffer by being the source of their misery. No, no, no, no, no. That's not true. I'm just, I just don't want to smell anyone else's bad breath. Okay. They'll be so harsh about it. Selfish. Yeah.

Here's one other one that came in. That one, by the way, did I say who it was from? That was from Nick. This is a, would you rather have a 10 inch peener, but you can only have sex once a year or for 30 days, you have to shit out a 10 inch super firm log once an hour. There's 24 10 inch shifts a day for 30 days. Jesus, there's so many variables in yours. Yeah, I don't, I can't follow it.

That was Greg. Too complicated. Okay. Can I do mine? Yeah. A professional would you rather? Okay. You ready?

I'm listening. This is tailored to you. So you need to pay attention to this. Okay. Watch. Okay. Would you rather have to listen to your dad's stories over and over and he tells the same five.

Okay. And then I tell you about the time and I'm really ready. I think kind of ready to dial it back. Okay. Getting ready to retire. Yeah. So you have to listen to your dad. Tell the stories.

Tell the same stories. Yeah. Or you have to tell the same jokes every night. Well, I would just go to reality for the next 10 years. The reality is already number one. Yeah. Reality is I'm living in that. It's not a thing like, Hey, what would it be like if my dad told the same stories?

That's what happened. But I mean, you're all day every day. Yeah. And the other option is the only communication you have with somebody is with your father and he tells you the same stories. I'm getting better at processing my emotions when he does tell the same stories. So I would do that because I know I can't do the same jokes for 10 years. No, it's horrible.

I turn them over about whatever, every 16 months I just do it. I'm done. But how do you think these poor musicians have to have to sing the same goddamn, do Margaritaville and you're like, I think it's kind of more fun for them to perform songs. Maybe, maybe. Yeah. Okay. Well, those thoughts what I have.

That's good jeans. That's good. I like it. Got it. Anything else? No. All right. We have a closing song came in.

Sam. It's from Yatsen. And it's what? Oh, I have to do a patreon thing. Sorry. That's why we have blue band here. What do we have to do? It's going to be right at the top.

It's at the top. Shout out. He's so bad. All right. Closing song. Our patreon shout outs are Mark O'Malley, Pammy B, Bill Gonzalez, John Bronson and Amanda Pearson. Oh, big shout out to you guys.

Thank you for being patrons on patreon. Put that down. And now the song. Thanks for listening, James. Bye, guys. Bye, mommies. We got the top dog pooping on the park at school. We at your mama's house hanging with that bomb-ass crew.

Hey, Hitler. Tommy Buns says sup. Christina with the witch. I'm enough to cut. She's got the brains. He's got the ever-bron. TJ Dadmouth. But to drop that bombs through the stereo system like some carrier pigeons.

Cookin' chicken like in James's kitchen. The vision painted now. I'm hopin' you'll listen. Secure a radio. Fuck a television. The vision painted now. I'm hopin' you'll listen. The vision.

I'm hopin' you'll listen.