Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 350-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: June 29, 2016

If Water drinking had a Super Bowl, this episode would be it. Pick your sides and deal with the results cause after this one, there will only be ONE. The Water Gawd.  If thrive to be the best is that like striving to be the best? What if you have 4 teeth? Can you still be the best? Now add 400 or so pounds. Yup, the best.  We love coaches and mentors as much as anyone else, but when said mentor speaks directly and curses non stop, well then we fall in love.  Daniel Pena is straight forward and doesn't worry about feelings. Gnaw mean?  Plus, let's get to the bottom of Bart being fat. This episode has BOTH sides of the story. 

And God blesses a nigga. I'm blessed right now. Yeah, I'm talking about you think I mean God blesses a nigga God blesses a nigga God is real God blesses a nigga. All you niggas is blessed If you got stabbed 12 times Why the fuck are you still standing on that street that you just got stabbed on wouldn't you never go there again? And if you get shot on a certain neighborhood don't go to the neighborhood Oh

God damn it Ali sent that in it's called Pastor Pajewski sermon 74 Thanks asshole That was so old Yeah, what episode was that too? I don't know how long it was. It was a while ago It was definitely a while ago, but that was look at you. Look at you in blue bands so thrilled with yourselves, huh? You're looks like you're hydrating with some coffee. No looks like I'm hydrating with a full I'd ready drink half of it before the show. Where's your water bottle? Oh, I have one. Where is it? May I see? I

Where have you been hiding that interesting Uh-huh. I see caffeine in front of you, too. Yeah, why hydrate and dehydrate at the same time because I know what I'm doing This is so childish Look at you. You're so childish You drink like Ella strings out of a sippy cup Oh That's it. That's all you got one sip

That's just one. I know that you think you do volume. Look next to me. I have this one a backup Yeah, and a third It's empty because I drank it all you drank it like last week. No, it's always here look Can we get into this please Oh Lipstick on the microphone you guys are terrible both Sound like Tom Lucas Dumb that bitch

Really? Really? Okay Check it out. Thank you wet nutsack It was great. I had a blast with you guys an absolute blast Did you blast a lot there, but I didn't That's surprising, but it was a really fun shows and I think all you Jews were coming out. I'm sorry. What? There's a huge acidic Jewish populace. I know I they all stayed in my hotel last time. I was there like Hasidic

Is that what you are in blue man? Ashkenazi next What are you? I Know Hasidic Hasidic Ashkenazi and Sammy Davis what kind is there? You can't hear what he's saying. I don't hear anything. You're for you. Oh Yeah, it works when you put your mid on there. There we go

Well, Ashkenazi is like a white Jew Sephardi's a Spanish Jew. Hasidic is just religious So listen, there you go. It's too complicated Yeah, you guys are so calm. I think the real problem is that there's too many of you So let's make America great again Anyways Next week. I'm in a dribbly brown shit What is that one Liberty Township? That's that's really good. That's by Christie submitted that dribbly dribbly brown shit It's just outside of the greater Cincinnati area. That means I'm coming home James. Oh my god

My hometown in a while you mean you're are you gonna take a pilgrimage to the hotel that it how do you think? Of course and blue bands coming with me. Are you gonna stay in room 618? You'll see. Oh shit. We're making the trip of our lives Well, should I should I clear my calendar and join you guys what with the baby? You know Make it a family event. Well, I mean, it's kind of a big deal. We'll just sit there and weep for a week After that, I am going to Where am I going? Oh Man manly blow

Someone's someone sent this one in God damn San Diego. What is it? Manly Diego. No Is it is it from the man Man to lay blow. I don't know somebody put it man I don't know. Anyways, it's San Diego Well, it's man Diego. We always call it man Diego. Yeah, but somebody put like blow a dago or something like that. It goes good so I'm in blow a dago at the American Comedy Company and

Very much looking forward to that those tickets are really going fast Always do well in that area. This is such bullshit by the way. Oh, you'll see you think I don't know that this guy can pick it up for you on the way in today Do you think that this is the only thing that you're gonna get moded on? This episode, you don't think that you're gonna get that this is the beginning You think I'm just gonna sit back. Do you know who you're dealing with? Come on You're just upset because I won last episode with the water champion. You're you don't even know what's gonna happen

I'm scared. You should be you should be terrified Anyways You I know you're you're ramping up for something big because you did the n. I double G Song at the time we get back to the dates July 14 through 16 is blow a dago and then St. Jiu-Tits, Missouri I Through 23rd And then I have a bunch of dates added I'm going to

Charlotte, North Carolina classic standard. Yeah, I'm going to come up come come all over blow us come blow us, Ohio Love come blow us. Yeah fun fart Ledolfia Jew dork kitties That's my favorite. Yeah, so there are kitties is really good Please go to Tom's girl.com the shows page hit the shows page all the tickets are there jeans I know you got some dates. I do. I'm doing one night or so. I'm back. I'm back in rotation starting September 27th Seattle Washington at the to come on your comedy club. So technically I'll stop it. You're showing off now To come on your comedy club

September 28th porkland or again at helium comedy stop it helium comedy club October 4th What's Dallas? Fallas Fallas, Texas hyenas comedy club October 5th and Fuck my Holston Yeah, Houston At the secret group October 23rd. I have added a date Indianapolis Indiana Morty's comedy club

So get your tickets at thousand ranch comm that's thousands with the word spelled out ranch comm come see me guys See me drink water on stage because that's what I do. I hydrate 24 seven Okay Okay, yeah, are you done? Yeah done? You'll finish I finished and I'm done So much exciting Erie Things to talk about this episode, but first we got to take care of our business teams. Oh, yeah, may I Say to everybody if you use Amazon, I do hope you're using our banner go to your mom's house

Podcast calm click on the banner at the bottom of the home page and dear shopping as you normally would it just helps the show We even have an we have an Amazon Canada banner as well. We do dot ca. That's CA Yeah, yeah All right, here we go jeans. Oh shit. No, this is not nothing to do with you. Yeah, right. I promise If you do not thrive Don't be the best if you do not push yourself. Don't be the greatest Yeah, you will accomplish nothing. Yeah, how badly Do you want it?

Badly Okay Don't bring anyone loving to this Christina Oh Throw up So you shouldn't drink a gallon of fluid in an hour I once dared an old boss to drink a gallon of milk in an hour. That's different

But I think it's a gallon of any fluid Shouldn't do that. I'm not gonna knock it out. I'm just drinking like I don't want to drink. Oh, bullshit. So Bullshit, I've known you for so long. So look at this. Look Bert shaved He looks worse than I thought you got to grow your beard back Bart you got to grow it back Look at that mouth, huh those Fucking little chicklets. I'm they he's got one big one though. No, that yeah, that's Trident stick in the front Yeah, that thing that's how you start your apples right there You got that you can get anything going

I Think he has two or three on the bottom and that's it. It is amazing that this guy decides that He is gonna motivate yes to strive to be the best. He's not even motivated to get his teeth fixed He's only motivation was to turn a camera on but that's the only thing Right, he's clearly got a lot of things to work on you got really fired up in this thing You know, he's real fat and sweaty if you do not thrive Thrive or strive to be the best Had some more teeth. We know the answer because you're supposed to strive to be the best

Well, when you're missing teefuses, then you thrive to be the best you thrive thrive if you do not thrive If you do Don't be the greatest Take you will accomplish nothing. That's true. Actually, how badly do you want it? Who's this guy, where'd you find him? I just found him on on Instagram and yeah, I don't even put my money the shit out of me that day I was yeah sitting around in the hotel in wet nutsack, and I go I'm gonna hit the gym. Yeah, and the dentist. Yeah I bought some floss right away Jesus

Not as bad. Look, there's a lot to go over but we should point out the fact that we got new shirts on dude We did it. We did it. This has been a dream and we finally achieved it. It happened We're wearing double pipe classic shirts. Look at that design. They're very rare very rare and This is no shit, you know top dog obviously contributed to this this design coming along and Sharing his his expertise on them. Yeah, and then last week After we recorded the show, right? We had lunch downstairs

Sat down and if you go to Christina's Instagram, yeah, you can see me I got a thumb up and a thumb down it happened I had a double pipe classic in front of her and oh, I mean I watched you cry for a ride It was so special. Yeah, it was sun was there to witness You know that I looked at the photo and I realized I'm in shock in the photo, right? I go like oh like you can see my face. I'm like why right just happened What's just right and I noted the time even on the Instagram post. Yeah That it happened is incredible really incredible and what's funny is that it?

You know like with all double pipe classics It's a surprise. You know, you think you're just gonna burp or you're just gonna fart and then it happens Yeah, and it you know and it's like you don't really right. Yeah, that's right after it happened Look at your post right 317 p.m. June 20th 2016. I witnessed Tom having a double pipe classic They're extremely rare and you can't force them. Yeah, you can't make it right. I mean look at that shock Yeah, I'm like did that just and look how thin you are there? Hmm. Look how skinny you look. Oh, I know some people that don't look Yeah, that is that's the moment man. That was right right after it happened. Yeah, so we now have a double pipe classic shirts

They are at your mom's house podcast calm. They're also In in my store Tom Segura calm if you go to the shop page It's also there and it's just really exciting man. Now. Do you remember? I remember you were kind of leaning over because you were I just how did it happen? It was such a magical moment. Yeah, I think it was towards the end of lunch Yeah, we're at sushi. Yeah, and I just finished wrapping it up. Yeah, and I I remember feeling What's what what did I feel coming first? I think I felt the fart brewing and

I've right because that's when you leaned over to express it and as I leaned over. Yeah Came out of the top at the same time. Yeah, and it was it wasn't you know, that's the thing. It's not Burp fart. It's not fart burp right both right. Boom. That's why it's so rare That's why we wrote very because gas usually chooses a path. It goes. I'm going up. I'm going down right and the thing that that happens with every double pipe classic is that You don't immediately know it happened because you're in shock. Yeah, so when you did it hence, right? Yeah, like you did it and we both went. Oh, that was a double pipe. Yeah, yeah They're just they are so rare and it was so neat that it happened right after we had just discussed it and yeah

I don't know. It's the main thing for me, too Is that it's really even more rare if I could say so to have a witness for one? Yeah Sometimes you're alone. Yes. Oh you did. Yeah, sure. Yeah, but when you have a witness, there's no one can take it away from you That's true. You know, it's like your college education. Yeah, and your double pipes. Yeah. Yeah, people are there for it So it was really really something and we're very excited. We're very excited We've wanted a double pipe classic shirt and then this This is the one man. This is very very nice material off to it fits like a glove. I love it shipping is included for all domestic offers Oh

That's true What's great about this shirt, too, is that it's on the down low, you know Only other mommies are really gonna get it, right? And it doesn't say like fart on it. No, it's kind of subtle When I picked it up from the shirt place the guy was asking me like is this like a like a X games event or something Did you explain to him? Yeah, what do you say? Better the next games. Yeah, we should send this to Tony Hawk. All right, right pipe, right? So they'd like yeah Similar but not really I bet he's probably like I wish I could have one of those Wish I could have a double pipe classic. Maybe you will sir

If you live long enough if you pray hard enough You just have to live long enough. I think that is the secret and don't force it just be open to what happens I want to say I had one in 2015 and I want to say I don't remember when it happened I don't think you did and maybe 2014 2014. Yes. So that's how long you know two years, man. Yeah I think you're really lucky in that you married someone who thinks that burps and farts are super funny But I really like when you burp and make a sound like you just did like Like when you go, yep Just especially when you do it in front of your mom, yeah, we're in Florida or when she's around she's like

It's just coming, you know, I know Yeah, I love it because she gets mad at you for burping and then she gets mad at me for laughing at your burp So it's like we get a double upset charo. Yeah, I'm gonna try to get her in here just to talk to her for a while Yep, yeah, I'll do some burps in front of her Just to get her to go Because no matter how much I hate you No matter how much I hate you or we're fighting if you go yep, it makes me laugh every time no matter how much I hate Look how you like if we're fighting or something. You know what I'm saying. Yeah

You know I'm saying no No, no So This guy you're gonna fall so in love with I promise you are so toothy old old Toofy Toofs Got me thinking about motivation. And then I also saw this guy oddly enough also on saw part of this Yeah, and so I had a blue band pull it just Just give him a listen. His name is Daniel Pena and he's a A businessman who also is a a coach like a mentor to people in the business world. Okay, and this is that one of his

seminars You know, he just dumbed down and shut off that part of his brain and just followed the steps You don't need fucking case studies You have a you have a fucking template You have a motherfucking script that a fucking monkey can read That alex wants a fucking case study because he wants to know the shit behind it because he's stupid And that's why he's fucking poor You don't need any motherfucking case studies

How many fucking times do I have to say? You have the fucking script I said don't change a fucking word on the script. Okay, not a comma I love it. If it's got misspelled fucking words, send it out misspelled The last thing you fucking need is a fucking case study This is why you're fucking poor. This is why the cocksuckers watching this on youtuber so fucking poor Again again, I want more is there more oh, there's all there's so much to 50 million dollar man. Why yeah Why did there's god? I love your right? I ain't love this guy. That's why you're fucking poor

Oh, it's so good. So this guy is Pretty well known pain. Yeah. Yeah, pain. Yeah for not biting his tongue very often. That's my kind of bro. Yeah Oh, I love this guy hanging out with losers Wasting your time Show me your friends and I'll show you your future That's one of your top top It is

Show me your friends and I'll show you your future. You want to know why you're all fucked up? Just look at the fucking bum to hang around I swear, this is everybody in my family This is eastern block shit, dude. Are you sure his last name isn't like budgetsky or don't you don't can't you? Wadowski you picture him like you're at the table and him telling you. Yes. This is a should I heard? By the way, this is one of by the way, and I'm not a A coach obviously for people. This is one of life's great truths Yeah, if you are in a place right now where you're like, man, like shit's just not working out

Yeah, I wish I had more going. I'm really bummed out about this. Yeah, look who you're hanging out It's true. There's always the truth. You hang on losers, man. You want to know why you're all fucked up? Look at the fucking bums I can watch this and I show you your future. You want to know why you're all fucked up? Just look at the fucking bum to hang around I wish I could play that for so many people. I know I really do Everybody needs to hear this guy This guy's the right. I have family members. I need to see everybody needs to see this guy. He's right

He's totally this is the guru. This is who people should be listening to. Yeah, not fucking Oprah and uh, dr. Phil, this is the guy. He's right. You're hanging out with fucking losers. Yeah, play more more. Okay. I knew you'd love him. I gotta get him on that. This is why you're fucking poor. Okay, sorry. That was just an iso Did you did you iso? No, you just isoed this one thing. What's his name again? Daniel Pena. Man, I gotta look this. You're a cunt, Brian, not me You have that whole thing in here the whole thing or no? Holy shit On the cheat sheets there. Okay. Oh I must know more. So is he like a billionaire or something? Well, they I don't know this man. Yeah, there's Yeah, I love him so much. See if this is the one I want to play for you. Your friends are fucking losers

You're a loser. He's right. He's right. You're hanging out losers. You're gonna be a fucking loser. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Anything on winners? Man Holy shit I used to hear this growing up all the time. This is the way my parents used to talk to me I mean it. I mean it. My dad was to the same thing. Sometimes we exchange emails and I'm like, why does Dan have to be such a cunt? Why does he have to push it? Why does he have to always want to? No, I'm not. No, I'm being just the opposite of a cunt. That's right You're a cunt, Brian, not me

Explain. Yeah You're weak And you're showing me and you and you want these people to like you and you're telling me i'm weak on that email Because you love me because you care. Yeah, absolutely. Thank you very much This guy's related to me. He's crazy. Yeah, and you can be more than you are if these little cunts think that you're something now I see you A thousand times more Yeah, see they have low standards these fucking weenies to watch this fucking thing

I don't I know what you can be They think you're a big fucking deal. I know you're not Down deep inside brine, you know that i'm closer to being right than they are. Oh my god You don't agree with me 100% fine, but you know i'm closer to being right than they are You're not the old end of shithole. Who gives a fuck? And the college most of the time you are not a fart in the wind. You need no one is Exactly. Well, won't you always want me to be a thousand times better? Absolutely. Just like my daughter who's a british citizen

This is hd buttercup. Sorry that british line of furniture. Oh really? That's the showroom it's in Okay, you know what i'm saying? It's so you think they went to a furniture store to do this? Yeah, this is that british furniture company we like Probably it's it's all the same company furniture. Anyway, that was really exciting. Yeah, I really like this guy Does he have a book I can read? I don't know if he has a book. Um, I have more audio of him though. Oh, absolutely Yeah, he's um, he's really spectacular. They think you're a big fucking deal. I know you're not You're a cunt and talk to me about what what's I mean for those first few days What would have been the reactions from people? Do you get people that want to leave? Do you get people that want to cry? He's talking about so this guy lives in a castle in scotland. Oh, cool paying you this good for him

Yeah, he has some other residents a fucking winner. That's why yeah, and people pay a lot of money To go and sit in like that room that you you heard him telling people you're fucking poor. Yeah That's at his castle. I love it. So these are people who you know His story is that he turned uh, I think it was eight dollars into four hundred and thirty million So he had he was some high-ranking executive in an oil company and I don't know He's been he's been a uh, uh, a coach for business people, but he just has this this persona You know to some people because you can tell not to push him. I mean you must you must have to give a little bit Or not push a little bit. No, no, no, okay. We've had people

Pissed their pants We've had people pass out. Yeah we've had people shit their pants A partner in the big four accounting forum shit his pants the person that passed out was a psychiatrist We've got a Harvard medical doctors We've got uh, they pass out. Why would they I mean they just did. Okay. It's the stress The stress of hanging out with this guy

Yeah, imagine that the stress of being around me makes people pass out person shit themselves God what a psycho. I love it. Has anyone ever said fuck you damn pain. Yeah, I'm walking out the door No, I've thrown a couple out, but nobody's ever said that. No, I take that back one One, uh, romanian walked out the door because he said I was making fun of him calling them a gypsy aroma But then when we came back in the afternoon he was sitting in the library And I thought I thought I thought you're left. He says no, no, no, you're right So I'll be the first if I walk. Yeah, yeah, if you walk you'll be all you'll be the There'll be plenty of cunts here, but you may be the first cunt to walk out

I gotta get to scotland dude I want to sign up for this and then be like can we simulcast this on your mom's house podcast? I gotta go. Can you please can you please send me how much it is? Let's find out. Let's go I bet it's a lot of oh, that's true. Shit. Let me make you do a Kickstarter You put a number by every fucking person that you emailed Skype fucked tweet fucked link fucked And what you one of your goals on this other side of the paper they have anything to do with

Hilarious link flink and dick because it's for fucking losers. He's right. This link and did these P heads watching this thing like me You said they're either gonna love you or hate you I knew Which one it would be all my life. I've been this way And all my life people love me and respect me. Yeah, wow if you're in a foxhole Who do you want in the fucking foxhole?

You want some mini mouth cunt? Or you want somebody that's gonna rip their head off and shit down their neck I'm in love. I told you. I think I'm in love. I'm sorry. I'll tell you. I love this guy Me too. I listen to everything he says. Yeah. God damn. I wish he taught a school Seriously, I'd send my kid to his school to teach him not to be fucking pussies, right? Like today the kids, you know, these kids are fucking molly coddled. It's old school. I love it. I love old school craziness like this It's great It makes me so happy. Doesn't that make you feel safer in the world when there are people like him?

Well, you need you need guys like that. No, you do. You need like no nonsense Normal people. Yeah God made me feel like I was home again. I liked it There was I know it like you it feels real familiar No, it's my parents that everyone talks like this where where I came from to have Honestly, like to have like Americans who are nice and stuff that freaks me out. That makes me feel uncomfortable When a guy's like this guy. Yeah, this could be my mom. Yeah, mom and dad So it just feels so familiar feels right at home. Yeah, I feel good. There's one here. I don't I don't see it in here

But he did he did an interview in a car. Do you remember that one? Oh, that's my baby next time. No, he didn't interview in a car where this guy's like, how's it going? He goes, great sun shines out of my asshole And the guy's like, all right, you can tell no one's prepared for him. Yeah, he is crazy. Yeah. Yeah, I love him Oh, man Yeah, he's got quite a mouth. It does sound like you're your family. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah It's really interesting. My dad talked my mother would talk like this more Yeah, this guy's probably mentally ill too

I'm serious. You might be right Hey, uh, do you want a persian lady voicemail update? I would love one. I fucking love one tom She's a fucking loser. You're fucked up You're fucking bumps Quitting now losers Um, so here's the uh Here's the voicemail from last week. Just say, you know, I mean Hello

Oh my god, oh my god, we're always waiting for the uh, for the you know The the scoop on what's really going on here. Oh my god Because we know that this is this goes deep, you know, I mean this course these messages never stop coming in I want to credit. Do you know who left this who set this in? No, oh my god Okay, well, uh, we got an actual person and I'm sorry. We're not crediting you correctly who Sent in an mp3. So he actually oh cool says what she said that's so much better Yeah, it's great. So this is what she is saying. Okay

Hello, salome those plastic bags I told you about put those ones that you get tomatoes and herbs from the supermarket Put them on your trees. Oh my god those chipmunks. They're not going up there at all They keep eating my figs and keep worrying that they're gonna eat all my blackberries Now they're not touching them at all. I feel so good They've all disappeared now hurry up and grab those bags and I've got to do the same Put them all over on your branches start from the bottom and work your way up to the top Those mother sluts haven't all disappeared now. Okay, talk to you soon

Thank you keep sending these in please. That's so great. This is so much better than us reading it. Of course, of course Yeah, so how she by the way might be really mentally Start from the bottom put she's putting this lady has Grocery bags all over trees. You understand how horrible must that look in her house? You know, you got to give some to to the animals. That's the way it works. Like animals get away with that So she's choking squirrels. They're probably suffocating. No on the back just like oh, thanks a lot Like that's how I live. I eat your fruits So she's so funny. So she's got a crazy tree with bags on it right now. Oh, yeah, what a fucking nut

Yeah, immigrants man. They don't give a fuck. They do everything crazy style Um, by the way, so funny settlement. You have a lot. There's a a strong You there's a strong backlash Oh, yeah against you. Uh-huh in the um the water championship Are we gonna fucking go there now? Yeah, I think we should um, so We put a poll out there. Oh, fuck off to see All these losers a bunch of fucking losers answered your fucking poll. It's it's final. It's over now

Uh, the 69 tom 31 genes Um, why don't you ask fucking daniel paino? What do you think about your tweeting and your linkedin? A lot of people feel like You know that you can't be trusted for a number of reasons. Um, What did I do? Oh, here's an here's an example Uh, tom is the best. He's not a big fat liar Like the non-main mommy 808 remember that wasn't a lie. That was just misinformation. I did not know and then deliberately lie

Tom obviously bigger gulps That's because you're bigger you're just a bigger animal than me Big stupid stinky dumb bear the water champion drinks more water not necessarily because you drink less frequently Uh than I do even though I sip all day Okay, I'm the tortoise and you're the hare How's this even a question tom is taking bigger sips no hence This is the tortoise and the hair baby evidence your honor your honor look at the physical evidence your honor This is what's known as a it's a long race. It's a marathon that I run

Okay, you do your sprints and I'm in for the long haul bitch the tortoise wins Yeah, it says pagine ski is the sip champ But pure water intake it's buns all day Go fuck yourself and you're you're stupid fucking twitter followers. You know what I actually feel like I actually feel like maybe okay Maybe you agree with them. I think you agree with them. No, I'm not even gonna I think you

Maybe listening to this vote that I am the water champion. I think you think I'm the water champion I think here's the evidence. Are you hydrating after your boxing? Look at me. I have two. Okay, I have a Leader and a half of water gotta hydrate soldier. You know hydrating isn't just for graduates Florida graduates Oh People want to hear that That's so gross. You drink like an animal. That was one swig for tommy That that amount that you just drank like I could never do that in one

Not in one swoop. You drink like a bear Okay, so what is I just said that now and that's historical. So what it's your saying tommy or the water champion I did not say that I said I could not do that because I'm I don't weigh whatever it is you and burt collectively weigh I don't have the big stomachs like you and burt. So you're not drinking enough water No, I am I'm just it's a slow burn. What did I tell you? It's a marathon. You're sprinting That's what fucking dilettante water drinkers do like yourself. No You could never drink this much water. Well, it's over the course of a few days Your honor, maybe a few days

Let me allow me to introduce my evidence from twitter Jay at big jay savage writes if tom had enough water, he wouldn't be dj dadmouth It's because you're so dehydrated and smelling from drinking coffee and not enough water. That's why your dj dad mouth That's not true. Okay. That's not true. I'm the water champion. First of all, I appreciate you voting me the water champion I'll never let you down And um, I'll continue to drink far more water Christina could ever drink this poll is rigged. I don't believe for a minute that that the listeners think at the end of a day Hey, you're rigged at the end of a day though. Who has drank more water? I

This is nonsense I swear to god, I do can I tell you why last night before we went to bed I had by my bedstand two full avion bottles. What did you have next to your? bed to drink at night tom Now you're just showing off. This is all for the cameras. You know that he never does this when the cameras are off Tom, how much water did you have next to your bed last night? I guess it was like a liter and a half No, wrong a tiny little shitty cup A mug you could never drink as much water. Okay. Oh, okay. I just had another report in from

Someone who went to see you in west nyak, okay That tom didn't drink water the entire time. He was on stage and that's At least an hour that had gone by that's nonsense. No, it's true It's on twitter for someone to see you just gulping Well, you must be severely dehydrated because you're sweating up there and I do I do drink on you do your routine Where you pretend to have sex with a stool and you like bruised bruised you have the towel You're always sweating. Yes, but I drink so much water after sex as soon as I get off stage I drink I don't know because you're dehydrated severely. No, it's from all talking. I'll drink like 60 after a show

Okay, well those of us that hydrate properly consistently throughout the day bring the water on stage You need to work on your concession speech. That's it. You need to be like I I competed I lost no and your nominee is Tom cigar can I send you a photograph? I sent you a photograph. I'd like to pull it up right now your honor. Okay. This is the photo That's what you're saying. That's what the word photograph is short Photo is the shortened version of photograph. What the fuck is this? This is a picture of me When I was born, would you please pull it up as evidence of what's happening? What does it show you? What is I doing the minute I came out of my mother? What am I doing?

Yeah, you have what you're holding a bottle of water. That's right. I understand. This is so unnecessary Why it's photographic evidence. This is me being born and I already have water in my hand Right now you're I don't believe that I don't believe it and I'm gonna fight this verdict because you're fucking Bernie Sanders right now I'm not Bernie's Hillary. I have the nomination. You're not you're george bush. No, I have the vote junior I have the votes. You're a bush junior. This is florida. I demand a recount are in I demand a recount Yeah, this is the chad. This is the hanging chad. I don't know who these people are one percent of the one percent And it wasn't it's not enough water

That's you That's you right now. I will give you this puny Fake twitter loser victory. Is it fake? You're killing the mic. Was it fake the the the voting that we just blew me on a rake. No, no, that was that was real I don't care. Listen. It was like 1200 people vote 1200 care Listen, I'll give you your stupid loser twitter poll like you're insulting everybody pain. Yeah, what's 1348 votes You lost. I don't I don't okay

You know what? I'll give you this bullshit victory today. Why is it a bullshit victory because it's fucking wrong, bro They don't know the truth. You're a fucking bum. You know why you're a fucking loser Because you drink water with losers. Okay At least I drink water. I know why you're all fucked up. This is all for show guys his his bullshit water Okay, jug Okay, which blue band picked up for you on the way in don't think I don't fucking notice that because that that shit was cold It wasn't in our fridge. No, it wasn't in our fridge. It's not true Hello, I always have who gets the sparklets in the house. Who makes sure that shows up

Who orders bottled water so that you can hydrate problem. It's so sad to see somebody just like Tried and water that they can't drink All right, there's a video I have of you in west nyak. This is for now too. Okay Well, I'm just letting you know that someone saw you in west nyak And they took again. They took footage of you You didn't know you were being watched Okay, here we go I'm going to pepper spray you in the face

That's what I'm going to do to you Go away No, get away from the kayak Get away from that kayak Bear Bear, you're breaking it. You're breaking my kayak. Why are you breaking my kayak? What am I doing that tom stop it? Bear stop that

Bear, please stop. Please stop bear. It's the end of september. Why are you here? You're supposed to be asleep Bear, please stop breaking my things. It's not it's not even food. It doesn't even taste good It's just plastic Why'd you eat that ladies kayak? I want this lady. I've never said this, but I want her to get eaten by a bear so badly She's trying to reason with the bear. That's the best part If that camera could have kept rolling and he just devoured her I know Like that funny documentary you watched hilarious

That's right. That's how I knew you and I would be married. I thought it was retarded You and I went to see that documentary when we were just dating. Yeah, and the timothy treadwell What was it called grizzly man? Yeah, and we saw it in the theater. It was the the the narrator the director remember the german guy Werner Herzog Werner Herzog Werner And there is a part where the guy goes. Yeah, we thought we just thought timothy was retarded and you and I laughed out loud together And no one else did no one else the theater and when he got mauled. We were dating. It was a dating period Yeah, yeah, yeah, and I was like this guy the whole time he was talking about his dumb bears On that like he'd make those videos were like this fucking idiot and then Werner was like there was a special connection

In the bath none. Yeah, the connection was the bear was going to eat you. Yeah, this guy was like This is my little fox foxy. Yeah One of those things like a fucking eight-year-old woman that gets a bird and calls it like birdie, you know Yeah, he was like this is bear bear. Yeah, foxy So dumb he was living on a bear reserve and he thought he was protecting the bears From I will fight for these bears. Yeah He was a crazy person totally a crazy camping out with dangerous bears and then he got eaten by them Yeah, what a shocker. Yeah big dummy

Big fucking dummy hanging out with losers and he got eaten by them Absolutely um Let's get into this real quick an update on Burton and Oh His fatness No, so never never it just keeps morphing into something better better every week You know, we owe it to the listeners and everybody to play a lot

Of burt. Yeah, you know people think That we're you know, we're best buddies, man. Yeah, and I think people need to know That it's not a one-sided thing. So we're bringing you the other side of the coin um, here's burt on A.J. Hawks podcast the hawk cast Kind of filling him in on on some of this stuff In confidence, I tell him I'm the fattest I've ever been And fucking buns shares that with everybody. God damn it. Bert looks like Gerard Depardieu

So to be that's right. That was a few months ago, but to be fair I want to say this he did not say in confidence. He started making videos on the fattest I've ever been Right. It was very public about yeah, and he was weighing himself on like weighing himself on videos Saying that so it wasn't and that's the burt has a way of twisting, you know, the reality. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, he was making I'm so fat. I'm trying to lose weight my agent called at one point It was like, hey, you're trending right behind kesha and Amy Schumer in fat shaming George and my my 12 year old pulled me aside and goes daddy people say really mean things to you online and I go, baby It's not real. It's not the internet's not real. I go in my head. I'm like, I go

They're my fans too, but then part of me is like, are they? And now here's the thing here's the thing I think it looks so fat there right now is I am overweight Like I am the second fattest I've ever been in my life Second fattest oh only second to the time I told Tom I glance gotta love this like Bert looks like you're at George Depardieu apparently Apparently we have some similar Remember that naked it was the nude photo nude photo where they they did look he has a similar Bloated distended swollen now Gerard is a little bit bigger. I'll give him that but not by much

But not by a lot maybe five pounds. Yeah, it's like, you know, I'm six feet. You're six one like that kind of thing I think they put some memes together or what to put your face on his body Apparently a lot of fat Mexican babies that look a lot like me You know Tom and I find it more funny than not especially when like a publicist is like Hey, you're not getting a lot of good feedback on the show and I was like, really? She's like all anyone can say is how fat No Travel channel is like, um, why are people saying you're so fat is they don't technically fat shame the fattest people

They fat shame the people who are on the fence of like No one really says it to me But he's not just talking about us. I think he's talking about fat shaming in general. Yeah, he's right about that. Yeah people get fat shamed We're on the cusp of obesity or people who you know, shouldn't be fat That's how it goes. I mean, that's all the stuff like when I get I've gotten a lot of fat comments over the years It's people who are like you're a piece of shit. You should be you shouldn't be this fat not like you're 400 pounds They're just like stopping lazy because those cases that are like well into four or 500. Like that's a medical

And people usually you don't see people bombard those people Right because they already feel like shit. I imagine yeah when you're that big. Yeah shit goes down and I just want to eat Look at AJ's yeah That's a guy who doesn't get like What are you talking about? I want to get this to stop. I want to get skinnier than Tom. I am skinnier than Tom He is not skinnier than Tom. He is not skinnier than Tom. Look what good shape AJ then by the way. Oh my god Everyone he was here. Yeah, and I go. Hey, we weigh the same does it look different? He's yeah, he's in such good shape. Well, he's never been out of shape

All right, you know, I mean that's a lifetime of never being out of shape Well, how much does burp actually weigh like what do you what are you guessing? What do I think he weighs? Yeah, I don't know three I don't know 50 I don't know. I don't know boys weights is what yeah, and I probably 310 310. Yeah, and what do you think AJ? No, you're putting all this on me now. I feel bad. I don't know if many people I haven't heard much from He had me do a little promo I feel bad

The promo that he did when he was on charge of the game. Look at Bert's reaction when he finds out though This is the best. So now what you're putting all this on me now. I feel bad. I don't know if many people I haven't heard much from it. He had me do a little promo Oh Burt Chrysler burnt Chrysler burnt Yeah, uh, there's more. Sorry. Look, but how old is AJ? He's probably 32 33 Doesn't look amazing. Yeah, you keep out you keep saying it 22 I'm saying you know why I keep saying that yeah in relation to bloated alcoholic Burt is what I'm saying

No, of course. He looks amazing. He's a professional athlete. He's right, but that's clean living That's not drinking wine every night. That's also like being in like he You know star playing sports probably like in you know elementary school right literally at As the 32 year old man has never stopped Wow, so that's being like in sports teams like yeah, just and just it never ended But that's what I'm saying. Remember in highlights magazine goofus and gallant. Yeah, one's doing the wrong thing Oh, yeah, well, that's that's definitely this. Yeah, and it's so apparent who's doing the right thing here Oh, it's all yeah. Yeah

That latest vlog he did was so damn funny There's a moment if you can go to his I think it's his youtube page tom segura. There's a moment where he gets on a scale Just looks down loose camera goes 200 And you guys should watch that vlog it's great Blue band shot it and direct an edited it's on tom segura's it's go to youtube It's the tom segura youtube page hilarious. It's called the fat. I said to my therapist I go if I had a nickel for every time I said it's a joke guys Then you say it's so much that you start going. Is it a joke? Yeah, is this a joke? Are they my fans?

They all are I think it's love for people love. Yeah, some people's Look, I've gotten a little bit of the reversal. Some people are really Cutting and like mean you're like Jesus, you know, I've gotten a few of those but most people Are kind of clever. Well, look, this is what comics do. They shit on each other all the time This is part of the it's it doesn't mean anything. No, yeah He fucking called me and he goes he goes um Hey man, like I got to do something because I'm I really I'm starting to feel bad and I go don't I go tom Don't do any I can't have you it'll make it worse

I can't have you come out the front door when I'm gonna fight with like my mom and an apron and be like guys Guys split it up or I'm gonna have to call your mom, you know And so I go tom this has I go we got to take this to the end You got to ride this all the way to the fucking ground and if it means our careers it means our fucking careers We're taking this all the way to the end I did I felt bad, but then there's and and my only goal right now is to beat tom is to be Skinnier than tom. Oh wow Is that really you think he's really gonna how long do you think that's gonna last until he goes on the road again?

Oh, man, and then he has to drink. Well, he never is off the road So I'll always stay ahead of him of course because even like I'm on the road and you know My I tell you my regiment like I call you I go. Oh, you know, I I got the show in a few hours go on the gym. Yeah spend like an hour there. Yeah shower It's never but that takes discipline, right? Yeah, that's fifo dreaming He also went on punch drunk And uh, it was really funny with uh, jason jason tebow. Yeah, and uh, he had some Pretty funny things there. Not every podcast has like a running gags and running jokes. So I didn't know crab feast

I didn't know what this was But everyone's like hey, please ask burt why he's so fat and maybe I got 50 of those I Please ask burt why he's so fat and then tom was like, hey, man I really am sorry like I didn't mean for it to get this big and then I was like He didn't mean for that it to get that big or you to get that big And I go and don't ever forget you're fucking fatter than me That's the funniest part of the whole thing is tom is like 272 80

No way. I am not. I am at least 30 pounds lighter than him. No way. No way And by the way, no way even even with those numbers aside Body composition wise. Yes, I agree. You know burt's got that hard fat belly. Yeah, no, no, no, no That's a different guy activist. He's got this amazing self-esteem Unbelievable like the fact that like that I have friends pulling me aside going I don't think you're fat when clearly I fucking am like I am the second fattest I've ever been That I have friends pulling me aside going I don't think you're fat when clearly I fucking am like, okay Um, yeah, so

There's a couple more things I want to play but obviously he's also admitting that he's very Yeah, but burt's never had a problem admitting that he's no, I know He's always known it and then ignored whatever steps to take to to not be so fat, right? You know, there's pictures of him 35. That's what I shot my special at was 235 Okay, and but shirtless and oddly enough still very overweight This is the best is that in the midst of this burt is fat campaign. He's gonna have a special come out Where he's shirt

Oh, it's gonna be great. I mean there's look, I won't even mention it when that happens But it's going to explode Yeah, like his the fatness shed a bunch of pounds to be Happen at the gill his body will never lose weight. He does not have that kind of body that the weight will just that's not true That'll never happen. Yeah, his only goal is to turn into a powerlifter and just get bigger Wow, um What was I saying before you really interrupt me? I forgot. Sorry. I completely forgot my thought. I'm sorry. God damn it, Tom

Um Like we go out to eat and you just watch oh, I bet you do. Oh, he fucking murders food. Really? Oh, yeah, he's eat order stuff. I've never heard of like what it's like Uh, look, I use the first person that introduced me. This is makes me laugh so hard is his impression of me is so Far off. Yeah, but his commitment to it is amazing squid pasta Oh, he was like we went to this place. He's like, no, no, no, no, no, you got to get the ink squid pasta a little bit of a little bit shaved of One of the mushrooms the truffles truffles truffles

And I was like, really? It's like, oh, this is the fucking greatest. Get one of those. You know what? We're gonna get I let me just order for you and then he just orders two things He wants to tear up. How do you think he's throwing you under the bus by ordering you a bunch of fatty food So he can keep shitting on you. Oh, this was a while ago. We went out to every time we've gone out to eat He just the I murder booze. He murders food Okay, can I can I finish that sentence? He should say I murder booze. He murders food I also murder food. Yes. He eats so much so much and it's so much faster than anybody. I've ever seen My life. He inhales his plate by the time I'm in one bite. That's why he thinks other people are murdering food

Yeah, he's gone. I know remember when we went out with the chrysler's right before I delivered ellis I literally look a week before yes, and There's a video of it a vlog of course go and look at bird's vlog. Yeah, he orders Five entrees for himself. Yeah. Yeah, and then orders all the desserts and he's in like two bites And then bottles of wine. Yeah, every one of every dessert. I'm not even exaggerating. Yeah. Yeah Go ahead. Look at birds. He keeps making fun of you. He's not a big drinker He'll have like a glass of wine like a woman and then I will drink I'll go get a bottle and he'll go. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and then it'd be like my wife

I give him a glass. I drink the rest of the bottle. Yeah, and then he orders Well, you know what? We should get a couple desserts and we'll just go get two forks And then you're like, okay, and then he just works like they don't order three I mean key lime pie who don't want to kill. I'm trying to make calories. It's not true I don't need I don't even like sweets. So he just eats them all Wow God lies. Look at look at birds vlog. Go look at it when he so hard when we all went out to dinner when I was like About to pop. Yeah, and it'll it'll show you let the record show that let the record order

Five desserts burnt Chrysler burned Chrysler ordered five desserts five bottles of wine and 10 entrees unreal This guy we could we I think we should really set up some sort of comedy Battle royal like Ari was saying now Sam and Ari are gonna fight. I didn't know that But we might be able to get an undercard of you and they're gonna box. What are you talking about? Why? Just do they have beef? I think so, but like carefully Yeah, like like people don't know that burnt and I don't have no any beef and there's no animosity not zero I think we should really set up some sort of comedy Battle royal like Ari was saying now Sam and Ari are gonna fight

But we might be able to get an undercard of you and Segura Maybe just a half rounder before you both have fucking heart attacks So much heavier than I am that I'd be afraid to because there's like so much foundation there You know like he's just thick like I'm a light frisky 2 3rd 40. He's like he's like a solid 2 7 like you can't move that He is the mountain and I'm the young gay guy that dances around and almost wins He's right though. You're meat and cheese. You're solid bear. You're all So what about what about a j-hawk? Oh, uh, he was like, yeah, I feel bad. I might have cut some promos for Segura

About how fat you are really? Are you Two steps ahead of me in all of this. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, he's got time to do but I like how he's also playing it like uh Hey, man, I'm gonna call off the dogs. You're good. And then he's cutting promos with Lulling bird into a false sense of security, huh the best. Yeah, I had a for egg omelet before I came here Yeah, I got I got too hungry So anyways, the bird is fat stuff. Look, I don't even push it anymore I'm just giving you the updates

The main thing I wanted people to know because I feel like it's not understood by some most people get it Is that that that there's no animosity that we are really good friends. We talk almost every day Um, but people sometimes they get comments from people that are like, whoa, man, like I can't believe you like why are you Oling him. I'm like, yeah, guys. It's called comedy world. Yeah. So anyways, um Yeah, by the way, we've had uh, you know what? I gotta take a piss. I've had so much water Oh, that's probably because you're not used to drinking so much water No, it's because it's so much more water than you'll ever drink in a week and I just had it in like 30 minutes Why don't you shave the back of your neck too funny? Uh, you talk shit and then you went feed yourself

Well, that's because I thought I should But I didn't have to go as badly as you did because you're obviously showboating and it's not normal for you to drink this much Water is totally normal. What color was it? I think it's always just the color of water. Oh shit. I've smelled here as You're such a liar. I can't even believe it. I swear. I wish I had smell a vision when you and I shower together And you pee and it's that was dark brown day. That was no your pee is brown like the coffee and it smells of coffee It's not one hobo shower. It's every time you shower with me. You're so disgusting. I swear to god this one Liar you're a liar anyways

So this morning you made Uh an explosion smoothie. Well, I should credit and I I regrettably don't remember his name the chef wet nutsack Really nice guy. He knows you he remembered you. Oh, yeah, he's real friendly and he's like he's there's only a few clothes We're like the chef will come in the green room and be like anything you want. That's so nice Yeah, especially because you're such a healthy eater unlike burnt. Yeah, Chrysler. You probably were like salmon You feel so welcome and and so, you know, there's so there's a few kitchens like that first night I ordered this chicken dish. It was great. And then Actually, a lot of people were even tweeting me that they're they're like thanks for you actually have it working at a club

Where the food is good because it's nice really good food there Anyways, then somebody else mentions they're like, oh, I've got one of the smoothies and I didn't know what they meant I thought they were talking about something sweet, you know, I'm like, what kind of smoothie Oh, he just throws a bunch of fruits and vegetables and I go, oh, I'll try that Because I just I do literally on the road. I try to maintain this thing where I go Workout shower show, right, you know, because if you if you do it in that order It's a it's a good flow. What time of day do you start it at? Well, let's say I have a seven o'clock show. I will try to work out

Between 445 I'll try I'll try to start in the gym between 445 and five That way you have like a good however long you want to work out 30 40 60 minutes And then you're not rushed so you you go back to your room You take a shower. You don't have to rush this. You know, do you nap before shows anymore? That's old. No, what happens is those workouts give you that energy boost So that because a lot of times if you drag you feel lethargic on the road But if you go to if you do your workout right before Take your shower you get dressed you kind of feel like oh, I'm I'm really like

Awake right now alive. Yes alive. I'm energized And then you arrive at the show. I also like to get picked up very late Yes, so that I can Arrive I don't want to wait at this at the venue. It's the worst So I do that I arrive and then it's showtime and it feels great But the only thing that it becomes kind of hairy then is if you had worked out you're going to go to your show You get hungry. You don't want to eat a lot of times comedy club food So this option the smoothie I was like, this is excellent. Anyways, I ask him what he what he

How he makes it and he tells me, you know cucumbers lime juice He goes You don't have that maybe you don't the cucumber you use kale an avocado apples and just it's just a mixed mash of like Of fruits and vegetables, right? So I just asked you to pick it up while I was gone I fired it up this morning for you and I

Right away. First of all, I did the Since it was the first time making it. I did the taste test. I go. Let me see what it tastes like After two sips of taste test. I go. I gotta take a shit That was two sips. Yeah An explosion. Yeah came back I added a little soy milk Water we didn't have ice sort of make it cold. I put cold water in there and then Um

Gave you you had about what three quarters of it. I saw you had yep. So you gave me a nice healthy pint glass And here I am like, yeah, this this tastes great. It's going down super easy. I'm feeding the kid We're laughing and then we take ellis up for his nap his morning nap and I'm like, well, why don't you put him down? I my stomach hurts a little bit and I'd already taken my morning shit I drink my coffee in the morning. I shit and then it's usually it for the day and we'll shit anymore But I felt a rumbling And I was like, I gotta go. I gotta go. You never do two in the morning. Never And the pain

The cramping I was doubled over and I was like, oh my god It was a six a hot six really. Yeah, but I had to shower immediately and by the way the bidet. It wasn't enough Right. It was back to shit to shower because of the smooth. Wow now Did you discover that because you use bidet wiped and then you're like, this isn't enough. Yeah, so I bidet it I rinse rinse rinse rinse rinse rinse I left it extra long and I went to wipe and there was still brown on the paper and I go It's time for old school. What a story old school now

Do you think now you don't think obviously that what I made was was bad. What do you think it's just so intense? Yeah, it's not bad. What it what it is is you've got your kale and then you put like 10 limes in Lime juice alone will make me shit. Right apples I saw you throw in apples. I saw you there's high high high fibrous and you need something like a banana Yeah to pull it together because there's nothing or yogurt or something to pull it because it's all like high fiber High acidic. Yeah orange. You had orange in there too. So I mean eating one orange alone will make me shit dynamite Like already. Yeah, it's got to be tempered jeans. You hear me. So what should I have done? Okay? Here's what I would do if I were you half a banana

A little bit of yogurt like greek yogurt You do your uh, like a peach maybe some some berries blueberry strawberry And it may be some kale Thank you cummer and that's it. You can't do all acidic Okay fibrous. I mean, sorry we would Okay, I'll I'll tone it down. I'll I'll go pick up the the banana is gonna help because the banana binds it. You know what I'm saying Okay

There's a lot. That was really intense. I think I lost weight though. Today's my weigh in day on weight watchers. So You look great. I do. You know why right discipline. I don't eat anymore. I just stopped eating At night, I don't eat at night. I stop eating by five o'clock I try not to eat. I try not to drink a lot too. Mine. I gotta say, um, it was different You know, it was it was still a morning, you know, sort of explosion, but it was it was a healthier one I felt good. Why don't you go in to see the doctor for this ibs? Oh, I think that's this week. Yeah Oh, shit. I wish we could live tweet the event Maybe blue

And live tweet What is it tommy? Are you afraid you missed your appointment? Yeah, I don't want to miss my appointment Is it today or tomorrow? No, no, it's uh It's thursday, okay Yeah, what are you looking at? What nothing? I'm just thinking about it. That's all you're excited to go to the doctor for your ibs Of course. Oh, are they gonna make you shit there? Like we have to bring in a stool sample um

Like with theo when we have to take theo This might be the like a he might be like a getting to know you kind of uh sit down Oh, right. Tell him all the brown stories What if he goes tell me about like what you're going through and I go could you just download a few episodes of your mind? Can I tell you something though? You need to start making a shit diary and a diet diary so this guy can have a good picture Okay, because you have and I don't mean this in a mean way Kind of a skewed memory about what happens to you because you don't really put cause and effect together very well

You're saying that like i'm a a patient who Who maybe doesn't have all his Yes brain cells working because you do the same thing over and over and then you get diarrhea and I have to be like Babe, you can't have fried food. It makes you shit You're such a show off You're such a show off right now. You're not even that thirsty. You're just doing this for the cameras. They can't even see the truth This is such fucking bullshit Are you done?

That's one sip But you do that like twice a day, but you don't understand what it is to be the water champion It's that I consume so much water. Okay. Can we talk about something else? Sure um We got a request on youtube from Oh my god, are you ready? Yes, nick hawk He wanted to get us on copyright infringement and say that we're playing a song and it should be taken down

Isn't that amazing? He didn't like that. We weren't talking about his uh music his music Yeah, it was very upset and guess what we fought the law and we won well, we didn't really fight it No, we didn't But we just didn't get taken down. Yeah, because there's no infringement. Yeah, we didn't infringe. We we explored and discussed And gave him credit for his horrible horrible music. Yeah, I mean He actually filed Copyright claim. This is what they wrote back to us. Um, it was a few episodes ago where we played

Some of his songs Um Let me uh, let's play them again just for old times sake I miss Well, because I feel like they're all so terrible, but then what's the most terrible nick hawk song. I don't know Yeah, well, you know, yeah, what's the most unpleasant std. They're all pretty bad Dude, yeah, I bet he was really what's the worst steven segal movie. They're all pretty terrible That's what you're asking when you ask. What's the worst nick hawks?

His his album is really really atrocious. So Here is uh, but it's the best worst So It is the best worst though By the way, uh, a lot of people didn't go to it. They didn't really check out. No, I mean it says Here's the comments under it. Hey, mommy's checking in high and tight here Um, you should stick to fucking old white women Looks like he hasn't found the cum

Low and loose no cum in these balls Thought it was pretty good high and tight just like my jeans. All right, so we got a fan Okay, we're not just discouraging people from becoming a fan I'm breaking a spec Can't catch me like I can't catch my breath So Bad at me because I never get spent my wings are spread Fly till I die and I'm over the rest. I got a lot more left

You know, it's a promise. I don't make the threats power up like a cold bed You never catch up. I take off like a jet. I'll be so embarrassing. I mean, yeah, it sounds he's just behind Kendrick Lamar. They're both very talented Is that Is that your favorite? That's my favorite song. Yes. Yes. It is. Okay. My favorite Intentionally awesome song Yeah, there's a there's a bunch of what else can read me the titles. I've forgotten which is my favorite He's got one that's called everybody's got a little country in them. I didn't know that sounds like a new jam

Let's give it a listen. Maybe it's better I thought he was a rapper. I thought so, too Well, this is great. That's actually really good nick. Yeah stick to country. That's the thing. You're just in the wrong lane Yeah, your accidental song It's good Well, I like this a lot better Hey, this is actually good. Good job. Good job. Here's another one called. Yeah, forget the rapping What? I mean that guy vince me and you in the rap battle

We saw that episode on jiggalos and look there's nothing wrong with saying this isn't my Genre this isn't my lane pick something you're good at. You're great at country step up From unloading I still like breaking in sweat the best I do. I think that's still my my favorite worst. Yeah, best worst song of nick hogs. He's got a music video Can I play? I like how your eyes just look at the screen. Please Okay, please So there's a

Thank jesus for a video. I've been waiting for a video. Yeah, I Didn't know that he had a video Oh, shit This is the best thing I've ever seen in my life. I want you to describe what's going on for me I don't know if I can I don't think I can't describe it without being embarrassed. Can you? Yeah, it's called we fight um, and it begins by him uh Walking and it looked like a in the desert

Twirling a sword or some fighting instrument in a in the manner that a Martial arts expert would right and now he's walking around a fire shirtless fire shirtless. This is very steven segali By the way, I'm predicting he ends up fighting himself. That's what we're gonna. Okay. Okay. That there's gonna be two people And that they're both. Oh, right. That's what I'm thinking. Yeah, it's always about him Oh Why do you shoot it on an iPhone you can tell right away that like the video quality God damn it, man. I know at least rent a decent fucking camera your fucking money on it. You got money He's nice tour. You're always hoeing. Just use some of that hoe money

And then it's too dark. You can't even see yeah, you got to hire a grip. We need lighting Come on, bro. What are you fucking new? The sound the songs sound very similar like one to the with the exception of the country song This also sounds like the last song. Okay. I'm I'm too distracted Now he's in a he's in a gi and he's chopped, you know Posturing now he's in a jacket and he's saying we fight. Yes What have you got new ink

Did he got so much ink on that one arm and show and chest and show and shoulder that it's just all black now You know, does Steven Seagal make music? Yes Oh, oh the harmonica or is that Bruce Willis? No, no, he plays the blues Right And and and he sings Right. Steven does like and is he good? Like is he is he okay? Is Steven Seagal better at singing than nick hawk is at singing? Yes. Okay Very much

Let's just see if he I'm so embarrassed. I want to see if he fights himself. Okay. Yeah, who's he gonna fight? Is he doing is he working out here? What's going on? Of course. That's what he does. He works out. He twirls the sword Oh, shit. Now he's on a rock and he's He's on a rock. Okay. There you go. I won't torture you any more and it's an iphone shooting He's on a rock. He's doing tai chi. He's doing tai chi spreading his wings Uh, what is happening? I'm so surprised. He has the behavior of somebody really into coke But I don't think he does it, you know, he's a lot of coke had behavior I know I know what you're talking about like crea shan was kind of like this

Yeah, we're just twirling. He never fights anybody. He just twirls wrong. He he didn't fight himself Oh, it's got 94 000 views. That's a lot of views. Good nick. Good. Let's see It was released February wow good for him. This song is honestly so cringe worthy I Read some other reviews. Let me see. You did it again. Great job Uh-huh. Uh, it's like rich boss's son decided to smoke weed and not give a care Needs more sky punches

I wonder who came up with that Yeah, he does need a crazy loaks to help him. Great job. I like the constant changing of the backgrounds Yeah Yeah, I'm extremely passionate on many levels. Oh, that's good. That's positive. That is accurate. Love it and you are smoking hot There you go. Okay. Love it amazing Can't wait to jam out to this Feeling it. I love your voice You're definitely more than just a pretty face. Is this a guy an older man? That's that's a woman

Fierce that's that's how I would best describe you. Yeah Fierce we fight. I'm digging it. Great job. You got a lot of love. Good. Well, there you go. Maybe we're wrong Yeah, maybe this uh, you know, this could be a huge hit Could be man. I don't know. It hasn't been up that long. You got about 100 000 views Yeah, a lot of people are digging it. So very happy for you. Maybe I'm not the music aficionado. I thought I was yeah, you always I mean to be fair I've never you know said that I understand music that well, but Christina definitely does so Definitely get on her. Sure. Get on me. Yeah. Yeah, I feel like I'm saying if you're mad

No No, get at at tom segura. No, let him know How you feel? um, but hey Good attempt Yeah, yeah Yeah, we can't all be breaking a sweat. He'll probably copyright claim this episode too. Yeah. Well, you know It's a price you pay for greatness

Well, look man, we're you know, we're putting his name out there. Yeah, we're actually giving you more attention Which is a good thing all publicity, you know in show business any any publicity is good publicity. So, you know Yeah, this is a highly powerful Show you're listening to we've had gloria stefan on uh, brennery of panic at the disco listens to our show A lot of celebrities you're your mate brace Brace been on multiple times multiple times. We're a huge brace fan. Yeah. Yeah, so there you go. Ask brace um Jeans, yeah, there's always uh, uh, you know, I'm saying that you want to keep track of yeah

This man's actually been in before but he has a new appearance. Okay, and I think he wanted to trump his last appearance Because his new, you know, I'm saying count is out of control Is dj. Khaled the keys of life he was on kimmel and Check this. Oh, shit. I'm already fucking up. You can see I can see his lips saying, you know what I'm saying

Look at kimmel has to be like, uh-huh. Yeah It's crazy. You know I'm saying and um, you know I'm saying you know I'm saying you know I'm saying you know I'm saying You know I'm saying and this is by the way Obviously one sit down. Yeah, sometimes these things are over like, you know A guy's getting interviewed right in a studio. It might be an hour. This is a sex six minutes five six minutes. Yeah Saying well, actually I want to snapchat the whole birth. Oh, you do. You don't say my oh, you know, I'm saying you know, I'm saying Oh, you know, I'm saying you know, I'm saying you know, I'm saying you know, I'm saying you know, I'm saying you know, I'm saying like I know what you're saying. You know, you know, I'm saying I got the keys. You know, I'm saying

What's this gentleman's name dj. Khaled. I would say per Time this might be the champion. Yeah in terms of like he did the breakfast club That morning radio show in new york and his you know, I'm saying is we're Just Outrageous. Yeah, but it was also like an hour. Okay. So that's what I'm saying. You know what I'm saying You know what I'm saying is for for the time Ratio to you know what I'm saying. Yeah, the high level high volume here. High volume. This is a contender for for The most, you know, I'm saying is in the shortest amount of time. I would say yeah

Uh Yes quantity in time. Wow. That's a really good one. I'm very impressed. It's very impressive. It's very impressive So um, now the funniest one, there's the funniest, you know, I'm saying the most, you know, I'm saying is in the shortest amount of time Yeah There's there's it's it's an ongoing You know, you can never actually You'll never actually really win. You know, I'm saying but The whole idea is that you uh, I keep looking the mic my mouth keeps touching it. Oh

What's your favorite, you know what I'm saying? um My favorite, you know, I'm saying I don't know. There's a few. I mean, it's it's hard to just label one That's pretty great Mom one of my favorites is the the the japanese one, you know, I'm fine. Oh, right right y'all You like hip-hop yo, yeah, you know, I'm fine. You know, I'm fine

That's a great one. That's her. Just repeating a sound just know You've sang This rob guy, he's always great Yeah, you know, I'm saying mutual homie good motherfucker right there. You know what I'm saying? Yeah So, you know what I'm saying? He's not gonna fuck with the real you know what I'm saying? So yeah Recognize real game recognize game. You know what I'm saying? He goes he goes off on you but play my favorite one. Oh, you know the best one. I know but uh I don't think I have it queued up though. Oh, okay. Um

Yeah, the the best one is uh Well, I never I'd tell you yeah the best in terms of funniest. I don't mean in in quantity Yeah, yeah, this guy might be the v champ for As many, you know, I'm saying in a shortest time, especially on Television too on kimmel. That's outrageous. This is a huge platform for you. You know, I'm saying it is outrageous This isn't just like some radio. This though. So fear though. This is my this is my favorite one. So fear Yeah, check it out. You know, I'm saying this is fear. You know, I'm saying, you know, I'm saying You know, I'm saying check this out. I'm throwing a motherfucking shout out to my man boss, man, you know

Oh He triples up at the top. Yeah, you know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? That's pretty great. Who was that one? It was you know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? There's a few of those though. It's hard to He talks about holding in his uh, he's not not begogging before a game Oh, he's like, you know what I'm saying? Oh, right. That came in more recently. You know what I'm saying? Kimbo that's Kimbo. Yeah, that was a good one. Oh, you're right Rest in peace. Yeah. Oh, he's dead. He died a couple weeks ago. What? Yeah. Oh, no

42 How did he die heart attack? I think so. Yeah. Oh, damn it. I didn't know that. Yeah. Way to go. I'm super bummed Like I was super funny Wow 42 Damn, that's what sucks about being 40 now is like I could die Yeah, I mean most people don't but now motherfuckers are dying and we're 40, you know what I mean? It could happen then people are like, yep, you know, that's just the way it goes. Yeah

Yeah, and now if I die, it's like not a big deal. I'm saying yeah Yeah, right now. I don't know what you're saying. I don't know what you mean. All right. All right Um, you know what I'm saying, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, so a brand new Case of foreign accent syndrome has come about my favorite disease It's one of the og topics of our show and you may remember the first time we ever played it I have not actually heard my voice in the conversation For nearly three years now for you know, that is a British woman who woke up one day with foreign accent syndrome and now

it is Attacking a woman in texas You know what accent she woke up with jeans what? British oh cool. Yeah, let's hear it. Well people who've met me before They Shocked first and then they most people say oh, I love it But for me it's a lot different. Wow. Yeah, listening to this mother You think she was from london, but uh, she was actually born and raised right here in texas strange

But true and it's an extremely rare case called foreign accent syndrome But doctors say it actually happens and now actually how can they try to get her normal speech back? There's like 15 cases worldwide reported. Right. It's so rare. It's like a double pipe class. Yeah, I was gonna say for language As people look at me. Oh not from england. Sorry is 100% texas people who don't know me that hey, where are you from? I'm from raising me. Oh, where's where's that? I'm like, we're here. I'm raising me. Oh, you're always there. How'd you talk like that? So that's when the whole story comes up. It's amazing. I don't buy this. Do you buy this? Well, no, there was the one that was fake. Remember the fake one that was clearly fake We played it a long time ago

This lady claimed that she had it and then she walked the camera came and they saw her walking in the parking lot Yeah, and then they uh, they stopped her talk to her and then when she walked away She walked sideways like she was doing a little bit of a An act because she said it was a whole neurological thing and yeah, you know I tend to think that these people need attention It might just be she's like bored and wants some attention. I mean, but it does happen though, right? I mean, I don't know Oh, you're saying you don't believe it at all. I don't know the the one the one lady who and free in now that one

Yeah, she legitimately was a bit tortured by it. She seemed tortured because she was like, I just want I want to talk the way I used to talk Yeah, she was like that. Uh-huh. She's like she really was upset. She was like, yeah I want to talk the way I used to talk remember. She's like that for four years now. Yeah Yep That's how she said it. Mm-hmm That is how she said it. She did you do it. You're the master of accents do her doing the accent I have not actually heard my voice in the conversation I nearly free you know for you know see because she mom is probably the one word I've noticed right away on

Kitting they think I'm talking about a baby cat and I'm not I'm saying I'm just kidding but it's kidding. I'm just kidding But how would she have mastered the accent? I mean, she's not me She watched tv man. She's listening to your show, but she's like some, you know, fucking lady from I don't know man. I don't think man Because they played remember when they played I didn't know the reaction. I was the British ladies answering machine Yeah, are they gonna judge and they played her before she had the foreign accent syndrome and she was really sad when she heard herself Yes, she was like, oh, I wish I could talk with this away again Yeah, that's what she did

I remember I remember she was she was like, I wish I could yeah Yes, I want to talk on let go this and now Yep, this one I don't believe anybody that has clear braces. Do you That's what the other lady was talking. Yeah, I don't like you when people do the clear break when I do the Invisalign You know people can still see them, but then you don't have you know, nerdy ass clear braces. Yeah, you dumb brit Gold school man get the metal. Do you think don't you think the the clear braces are just worse than the old school metal ones? um I don't know because you're not fooling anybody. We still know you have the braces

We're only fooling people from a distance But actually their mouths still kind of that's what you're saying. You can still tell I have to pee so badly again Well, well, yeah, Anna Could that be because of your show boating around with the water drinking? Because you're not accustomed to drinking this much Are they gonna think i'm lying? Are they gonna even understand how i'm speaking? It doesn't sound here's the thing though a lot of these people I think the fakies Sometimes you see it you hear it dip, you know, like it doesn't it doesn't sound like it's there all like right chinese accent lady had it

100 but her she's like are they gonna think i'm lying It doesn't sound a hundred percent and she's speaking like cockney. She's not yeah, thank them lying Like she kind of does like a lower class. I'm stopping this. I have to oh wow Interesting winner of the poll let everybody see that he can't hold his water Well, look how much i've drank because it's not accustomed for you. Is it no one's accustomed if you drink this much water you have to pee What do you think no one's accustomed meaning you know because why this is out of the norm for you No, it doesn't matter you drink this every day. Wait a minute. You don't drink this much every day Yes, I do and your body still has to get rid of it

But if you drink this much every day, we never have to break twice for you to pee I'm drinking more this episode at this moment Uh-huh, but that doesn't mean why why are you drinking more of this episode? Why i'm letting them know what I normally do after the show i'm doing it during the show Okay, sure. So that's the only difference. Okay. Yeah, go ahead and urinate again old man Who's it now? Christina seems to think that was super abusive God he said i'm like i turner just then No, here's the part that I feel like let me diggy diggy. Well, I feel like you just don't get it

You're you're no you don't get it. No, you don't let me explain you're like, oh You're not used to it. That's why you're you're not used to drinking this much water at once. That's not true How is that not true? I'll explain it to you because you don't get it. You don't get a lot but I Unbelievable any body that consumes this much water whether it be the first time they ever did it Or they do it every day your body has to get rid of the fluid Yeah, so you're saying like anybody who just downs half a gallon in an hour is not like i'm used to it

So it doesn't have to come out. That's not no not true You don't get it you don't get it because you don't hydrate as much as I do I can drink an entire You could not drink as much as I could be. Long skinny from Traders Joe. So good eye That's not a lot of water. In the car and sitting traffic for an hour and my bladder Accommodates because I'm so used to drinking so much. No expands and accommodates the the pee the urine. No You don't get it. No, you don't get it. First of all, you don't drink a lot of water. First of all, this is all theatrics I'm gonna prove that you're just doing this for the cameras when the cameras are off. It's dehydration city. Your pee is brown You're such an animal

That doesn't prove anything and these people are just Totally being sold a lie. If you guys believe this fucking Pony show dog and pony nonsense Oh my god All right, tom enough. You're gonna have to pee again Okay, you're gonna make yourself sick seriously, you're not supposed to drink a gallon of water right now It's really not good for you. It is good for you. I do it every day. Oh my god This is how kids on ecstasy die is over watering

Feels normal to me. My vision is a little blurry, but I feel fine Okay, could you stop now? Yeah, okay. Um Like we got to wrap this up soon. What do you got? Yeah, you got to go to the hospital babe Bear That was my bear. She's like reasoning with them Bear don't forget you're not supposed to be awake bear the uh double pipe classic shirt now on sale That is the coolest shirt. I gotta get one of those shirts. That is beautiful. I love that. That is not cool at all The opposite of cool. He was talking about the double pipe classic, babe

Not I love hentai You don't remember this is mostly an audio show I know that but there are people watching and right doesn't make sense the people watching. Okay, good Good That is the coolest shirt. I gotta get one of those. Okay. Well, we're talking about double pipe classic shirt. Okay You know You wouldn't be so Grouchy and abusive right now

Yeah If you didn't force yourself to drink more water more than you normally do Usually this time of day you're drinking your brown cup of coffee and you're dehydrated guys for everyone watching or not watching Uh, three quarters of a gallon down. That's not good and anybody with a brain in their head knows that that's bad It's not bad to do in one sitting. It's not bad. It's the dumbest thing you've ever done. It's standard for buns. It is not standard Water champ. It's not standard. I'm age two flow. She's age two. Is there a medical professional we can consult Yeah, that's so dumb. I'm going to the doctor. Remember we first of all first of all

We had our blood drawn at the doctor's office last week And they couldn't find a vein on you because you're so dehydrated and when they did they pulled your blood out It was like syrup. No, she goes because you're so de absolutely It's such a liar. You're such a filthy liar. Oh my god. How long do they take them to find a vein? That has to do with being fat. You jerk No, but she she pulled your blood out and it was like chocolate syrup. No, she couldn't find a no And then she finally did and she goes you need to drink more water. No, she had to do water. No, she didn't No, she didn't I live oh with my sociopathic liar

I live with a fucking psycho. I'm telling you she said your blood's really thick. You need to drink water No, she never said those words ever She didn't say your blood's so thick. She did. No, she did not No, she didn't how did I know how would I know that? I'm not a medical professional Hey, loony tune. She offered me apple juice because you're dehydrated so she said it's your energy She didn't give me any apple juice or water because I was fine. She goes your blood is too thick You need to drink water now You're so upset that you've lost the h2o champ

Fucking contest the vote came in you're bernie. I'm hillary. I got the nomination And you're like, I'm still gonna stay in the 1% of the 2% You lost deal with it no more delegates You lost because you have with these fucking bums These losers You know what? I don't care anymore if they want to believe a lie. Let them you guys like being hosed by hillary over here All right, look we gotta get going. I love you. I don't love you anymore. I know but I love you and uh, I stopped loving you Thank you guys

Why because it's not nice I just started loving you again, okay, I stopped for those 30 seconds and then I love you again I drank so much water Uh, oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Thank you guys for listening Thank you guys for sending in all the the funny stuff whether it be clips songs the translations Uh, very fun episode Um, except for one part. I didn't really enjoy it all the kidneys hurt. Please go to your mom's house podcast dot com Where can they buy the shirts? Uh, they can go to your mom's house podcast dot com click on the store or tomcigura dot com

Click on the store there. Oh, it's just the shop button And uh, yeah, if you just go to my site, actually, oh my god. Oh my god. That'll be the shop for it this outgoing song is by claydo and um That's it. No, here we go. It's another fucking. No, it's not about you. Thank you. All right. Bye guys Fards fards fards Your mom's house fards fards fards Your mom's house

Happy hoes eat sad hoes. Don't happy hoes eat sad hoes. Don't weisberg cries are so fan so fan so so fan so so so fan Weisberg cries are so fan so fan so so fan So so so fan That's a good question. Burt's an alcoholic. He's diabetic. He's a sad hoe. Like we were just talking about he's so sad he eats extra And that's why Burt's so sad

You know, I've been in and out of jail, you know, I'm saying I did a little bit of everything I never had a job in my life. My sensei cigar was telling me the brutal nature is just to be in the moment You know, what's saying? You know what's saying? You know what's saying? You know what's sayin' You know what's sayin'? You know what's saying? Y'know what's sayin'? You know what's sayin'? Weisberg cries are so fan so fan so fan

so f and Weisberg cries are so fan so fan so fan so so fan That's a good question. Burt's an alcoholic. He's diabetic. He's a sad hoe. Like we were just talking about he's so sad he eats extra And that's why Burt's so fat so fan so fan so fan so fan so fan Hashtag D-Day Dadmouth

Hashtag D-Day Dadmouth