Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 351-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: July 6, 2016

You kind of have to agree, if you're gonna poop you might as well share it. Thankfully, a nice man in New York City thinks the same way. Wanna hear a cool fart? You should say that and then fart. Just an idea from Tom that he thinks is really going to take off. Plus, have you ever taken a walk with your family? Just a regular walk? Well this life-changing in the mind of Christina and her communist upbringing. #BertIsFat goes to a whole new level and Tom and Christina aren't the ones who did it! Plus, buying crack, dental updates and a whole lot more.

That's uh, DJ Dad Mouth exclusive by Sounds Made the Beat. This is sort of like when uh, Tony Touch said that you know, Gangstar made a song. For him, you know, I'm like the top of the mountain. What are you saying? This is all nonsense, whatever you're saying. All the DJs I'm just telling you about, just doesn't concern me. No, it doesn't at all. Did you brush your teeth? You didn't. Your teeth look like Pifos right now. You're terrible. They're crusted in brown and you smiled earlier and there was just brown flecks of stuff in there.

Did you say rude things? Did you brush today? Rude. Any more rude stuff you got to say or no? I am more. I got a whole list. How about you uh, plug your farts real quick? I'd love to Tom. Guys come see me live September 27th, 8 p.m. Seattle, Washington. That's a to come on your comedy club. So it's technically to come on you. September 28th in Shartland, Oregon at the Helium Comedy Club. October 4th in Dallas, Texas. That's the Hyenas Comedy Club. October 5th, Pustin, Texas at the Secret Group.

October 23rd, uh, Mamiapolis, Mamianna at Morty's Comedy Club. And then October 24th at the very famous Cincinnati, Ohio at Go Bananas. I'm doing the one night of our shows. Get your tickets at thousand ranch.com. That's spelled out T-H-O-U-S-A-N-D. That's sort of boy cry. A-N-C-H dot com. Ignore him. He's fine. Look. All right. Oh, there he goes. Let's hit pause for a minute. Yeah. Okay. Sure. Let's see how this goes. I'm back. Nice belch to get us back. You got it. Put that baby down. Mix of things. Where was I? You were talking about dates. Go Bananas. So I'm going to, I'm going to

Cincinnati. Obviously, you know, October 24th to do one standup show at Go Bananas. But I'm also going to be making a pilgrimage to the hotel. I'm going to request to stay in room 618. Not 808. Not 808. I'll go up. I'll go up to 808 and I'll kiss the number with my hands to pay homage. Yeah. Anyways, tickets at thousand ranch.com. That's T-H-O-U-S-A-N-D ranch.com. Please come see me. It'll be fun. Well, this weekend I'll be in triple D round tits, Ohio. What's that? Liberty Township. Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Who's with me?

Pat House. That was a lot of vocal fry. Of course. Pat House coming with me. Next week, July 14, 15, 16, I'm at the American Comedy Company in San Diego. That's good. San Diego is good. San Diego, California. And then St. Louis tits the week after Missouri. A bunch of other dates. Going to Bemore, Beahore. I don't know. They're all at TomSegura.com. So if you want tickets, go to TomSegura.com. Click on the shows page. All of them are there. Where else is there? I got some suggestions. Come on a bus, Ohio. Yeah. For Houston, huge come. Okay. And for Indian apolis, a million floppy tits. It's good. Yeah. I like it. It's got solid work. Yeah. Of course,

I've told you guys. Charlotte is in October. Jude Orc titties in September. And fill her up, Delphia in November. So that's it. What do you think, Jeans? I think that was pretty great. Yeah, those are good cities. Jeans, you want to take over? You ready to start the show, Jeans? Oh, yeah. Let's do this. Let's work in party. It's always something, man. With a bag of feces in hand, he doesn't hesitate, running up behind an unsuspecting woman and shoving the waist down her shorts. Watch from another angle. She's on the phone and never sees it coming. The man gets away. How disgusting is that? That's frightening. City seems to be going down hell, isn't it?

Who is Ram? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house with TomSegura. Hello, I'm Christina Pazitzic. Welcome to your mom's house. It's not even yours. Where'd you find that? I hate you with the double gang. Oh my God. It's worse. Any ways. That's even mismatched at top. Does that even go with that? Yeah, force it on there. Man, you're such bullshit. I brought it with me in a basketball today. Played basketball. I shot hoops. You and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. I love your 30-year-old references.

He's the best. I mentioned my basketball today three times and all three times. She's like, okay, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Can we get somebody who's not near death? I grew up with Kareem. He's what I know. Jesus, you're really dating yourself. And the Harlem Globetrotters. They were all good. Are you 70? Curly doesn't he the best player? Don't you know a little more? Yeah, I tell you. Kareem was something, the skyhook. He had his little short shorts back then. The Lakers all had their short shorts. Yeah, basketball in the 80s did. Can you talk about modern day basketball?

That's because my dad was watching it and then I'd see it because he watched it. Listen, I don't watch that shit. You know, I on that. Man, we got to get, we got to tell you, we got to put basketballs in his crib. The new free agency, free agency, day one of free agency was what yesterday, the day before. Oh, that's basketball contracts. Oh, day one. The NBA teams collectively spent 1.7 billion signing. Damn players. 1.7 billion. Did the Lakers get good people? No, it's Kareem playing for us. Kareem's back. Yeah.

They signed him up to see like 90 years, 175 million. Oh, wow. No, they were really outrageous country guys. You've never heard of. We're getting like 18, 19 million a year. Wow. Yeah. And they have really, really outrageous. Now Kobe doesn't play anymore. He's done. He retired. He just retired. That was his last season, the one that just ended. Well, he's like 35, right? How old is Kareem? Kobe? I don't know. I think you're right, blue band.

Okay. Look at your summer dog haircut. Looking good. Both of you got summer dog cuts. 37. Yeah, I'll see. He'll be 38 next month. Is he still with that gold digger chick? The girl who he brought her back with the ring. His parents don't like her. Really? Yeah, that's the story. I wonder why. His dad got really upset when he found out he was marrying a Hispanic girl. Oh, it was a race thing? It was a racing, yeah.

Oh, please. Yeah. Another multicultural, the Kobe's. He was raised in Italy, Italy. I know that. That's all I know about him is he was like this European phenom, right? They should be more open-minded. Yeah. I know. I'm sure there's more to it than that. Well, that was, you know, he had a really tumultuous relationship with his family the last. Kobe. Yeah.

Yeah, they weren't close. Interesting. What did he say to you about it? Well, via text or over the phone because it's different stuff. I mean, this is well-known. I'm not making this stuff up. I don't think you are. Yeah, no, it's well-known stuff. Okay. Oh, Kobe, I love him.

Oh, I remember this. Let me sit here in front of you guys. He was so broken up over this. God, poor guy. I know. He was suffering, man. Furious at myself. Yeah.

It's kind of a delay on the sounding. A little bit. I'm disgusted at myself. He's so handsome. Good looking guy. He's making a mistake. He stuck it in some girl in Colorado. Yeah. And so, and then what happened?

So the wife found out it was a big deal? Well, it wasn't just the wife found out. I think the girl accused him of rape. Oh, that's right. I remember now. Sorry about that. Yeah. I forget these stories. It was so long ago, you know. I think she accused him of rape because of how, how bad he was after that, you know.

Is that the technical? Is that what the court said? The kind of dick this guy's got. Oh, for sure. Kobe's carrying. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. The salami on this guy? You talk about assault rifles.

Yeah. You got to see the guy on this guy. Black salami. Yeah. Look at the wife. She's just like, you motherfucker. I'm going to get a ring. I'm going to get a fucking bracelet.

You know. Lamborghini. Oh, yeah. He got it. He got it. Oh, you fucking. The strongest person I know. She's counting right now. The strongest person I know.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm so sorry. Did they have kids together at this point? Yeah. To put you through this and to put our family. I don't know if they had them at this point. Let's not listen to poor Kobe.

I don't think he's. Do you think he was he proven to be not a rapist? Yeah. Yeah. I don't think that guy seems sweet. I think it comes with the territory if you play in the NBA. I think so too. In the NBA, they're like, get your dick ready and get it out

because it's going to do a lot of stuff. Right. Well, you're not just training to play basketball here. You're going to do a lot of fucking. Just like football too, right? But I think basketball basketball. Why do you think that is? I think it's just like the short shorts.

You know, first of all, there's less. You're not actually physically wrecked. Usually after a basketball game, you'll be tired. But you're not like, I think my shoulder broke. And like, right, you know, so I have a concussion. Yeah. Yeah. And that's true.

That culture of like at a game, like the environment is a little more, I don't know. I think it's social. Yeah. It's like a social thing. Well, I mean, yeah. Nicholson comes to the game. Celebrities sit on the whatever court.

It's an exciting thing to go to. It's like you're shooting hoops and you're like, I'm going to take a shower. You want to go fuck? Right. And then they're like, yeah. What about tennis though? tennis players must be.

I'm going to have surgery right now. Right. And there, there was a carried off on stretchers or whatever. Was that tennis? Yeah. Those guys must throw it around the most then. They probably throw it around. I feel like they're always tennis, big tennis stars are usually in relationships.

I feel like basketball is way more. You know, the thing is basketball, for a while, you could jump in the NBA from high school. So guys were coming in. Kobe did 17, right? Yeah. Guys come in as teenagers and there's all this money and they're traveling every night.

It's not like football. There's 16 games basketball. There's 82. So I didn't know that. Yeah. So it's like, you know, just it's a long season and it's a smaller group. So they get usually tighter. You know, you have a smaller group of people that become friends.

And I think it's, it's the environment is also more into like the nightclub, you know, the going out. Yeah. Like that. Partying. That's bigger in the NBA. Gotcha. Gotcha.

Yeah. Interesting. Yeah. Interesting. Just like comedians, same thing. Yeah. Totally, man. Party.

Comedians should be way more irresponsible than we are. Like we kind of hold it together more than most people, don't we? Compared to the NBA. What comedians are you talking about? First of all, what's that football player you and AJ were talking about? That guy that has like 40 kids. There's a few others. One who's notoriously.

Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Antonio Cremardi. Yeah. Hey, we've played him on the show. 00:13:05,720 --> 00:13:06,440 Yeah.

I'm saying like Louis C. Kate doesn't have 12 children. We don't know that. He's got a lot of money. Come on now. Come on. I mean, no, but it's not just football. That's sport.

I mean, basketball players, there's baseball guys too that have that. A lot of basketball football players. The guy that like first brought that whole, you know, phenom, that idea into the culture was a basketball player. Sports Illustrator did a piece on a player named Sean Kemp back in the, I think early 90s. Because he had seven kids in like seven different cities. Like it was all on his basketball schedule. Yeah.

Whatever team. Cincinnati and Indianapolis. What? And everyone was like seven kids. It's crazy, which, you know, it is pretty outrageous. Since then it's gone. The numbers for other people have gone way up. Yeah.

Isn't it, isn't it interesting now that we have a child and don't you feel like the 19 kids and counting woman is the most reckless piece of human shit? What are they? The Duggards? The Duggards. The Duggards. I think it's so irresponsible. And what's even more reckless is to blame it on religion to be like, well, if old JC

didn't want me to have one of these, you know, he just stopped letting me have them. God invented birth control too, right? Well, that's the, that's, that's considered sacrilege. You know, that's so offensive to everybody to just say, we're going to drain the system. You know, the burden of each of these lives on this world and the excuse is just like, God wouldn't let me have these if I wasn't supposed to. Well, those nut bags are part of a movement called quiverful. And really, basically what they're doing is populating enough of themselves to eventually

the goal is to get them into government positions and to be public leaders and to create more nuts. Basically, you know, it's what the Catholics do too. We, we create a lot of nuts. Well, in a way too, if they're, no, I like it. It's very nice. It's very nice. It's a nighttime show.

So if I were a conservative leader, I would support that idea because that I feel like, at least hear that the conservatives are definitely behind politically. They have less stars, less big names. Yeah. You know, they'll, they all are not bags. They get proven to be nut bags. Some of them are not nut bags. My thing is that I think there's a definite shift where you feel like more,

especially the youth is more progressive, right? More liberal. So if you're a conservative, you go like, we have to find some way to combat this seemingly endless progression of progressives, you know? And one of the ways you could do it is be like, look, all you super Christians, you got to start fucking a lot more having a lot of kids so that at one point, maybe there'll be more of us, you know? Yeah.

That's their whole thing. Yeah. I understand that. I'm saying it's, it's crazy, but I understand the thought behind it. Yeah. Yeah. Great. So this video was actually sent by my friend, Shawna, who lives in New York.

Yeah. Well, she sent it to me. I don't know. The blue band also picked it up, but Shawna sent this apparently. And she goes, look what's happening in my city right now. Yeah. This is pretty neat. A guy taking, he's taking shits.

He's putting it in bags and then stuffing that bag into people's shorts. What is, what a, and especially in the summer, that's got to be a really special treat. You don't get that every day. No. He's obviously a... With a bag of feces in hand, he doesn't hesitate running up behind an unsuspecting woman and shoving the waist down her shorts. Watch from another angle.

Okay. She's on the phone and never sees it coming. The man gets away. How disgusting is that? Yeah, that's a bold move. Yeah. To take your shit. It's kind of neat though, right?

Well, I wouldn't use my shit if, what if they could do some test and figure out who you are? You got to go for it. No, you want to do that. Yeah. I do someone else's shit or dog shit. I mean, your criminal mind is definitely working, but I feel like the exciting part is to be like, you took my shit. Yeah.

I can totally get this, by the way. I totally get it. What a thrill. What an exciting thrill. I'm serious. I know. As far as pranks go, it's pretty funny. I don't think he's a prankster.

I think he's a severely mentally ill drifter. Probably has a couple of murders under his belt. No, no, no, no. This is just a summer prank. College prank, I brought you a young camera doing that. You never did this where you took a shit and put it in a big potato and put it under some guy's pillow. You did all that, the shanty. I shit in a, you know what I did.

I shit in a ziplock bag. Right. I put it in a pillow. What's the diff? You said a baked potato. Well, that's called a shanty. You put it in a baked potato and then you put tinfoil on it and then you hide it in a guy's closet and then it stinks over time. You know, I learned this from a frat boy that I worked with at a company called World Link.

Okay. 10 years ago. No, what I did was I shit, it was a hot, like a hot five and a half. Let's talk about it. What's time of year? It was, uh, I think it was coming out of summer into fall. It was still real hot. Yeah.

And I shit into a ziplock bag. Now, how did you do that? Let's be, how did you do that? It was one of those ziplocks that actually has the. Was it a gallon size? Because I imagine. It's a big one. Yeah.

It was a big one. And then how did you squat? The regular seal, but the, you know. Ziplock. No, no, but the kind you can slide it over. Yes. Yeah. So yeah, I just, I was like, I got a hot one.

Did you do it over a toilet? Yeah. I got a hot one in me. And I, I stood, I squatted, I held it open and I was able to, it was like a real mushy hot one. And it kind of plopped in there. Yeah. I sealed it up.

Yeah. Um, uh, it was Bill Beley and red shared that were, were roommates. Yeah. It was freshman year of college and we used to play. We played some games, some card game. Kings, is that what it was called? Um, every Thursday we would play that because that's also when South Park would come on. And we, we, uh, you know, Bill's in on it.

I go, I'll put it in reds pillow and then, you know, we'll, we'll just watch him discover there's a bad shit. So anyways, I put it in there and we find out that like reds out of town or reds, reds not coming back. So we got a fresh bag. I know. So I'm like, well, I guess this, this old prank is over. So I take this shit and I throw it out of the dorm like third floor or throw it.

Right. Oh my God. And it just lands out in the field somewhere. And so that's Thursday. So Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. It's out there. I figure it's gone. Reds back in town.

We go, let's just see. It's there. It's been cooking in the sun. Take it again. Put it back in his pillow and then we play cards. Of course, we're laughing so hard at stupid shit, but it looks like we're laughing at each other's, you know, right jokes, right? Somebody says something really mundane and everybody busts out laughing because we're

just thinking about him. The bag of shit. Yeah. Now you guys don't see dorm rooms are small. You just smell the shit. No, we couldn't smell it from there. So he, he gets up and that he's on the top bunk and then he's like, I'm going to hit the shark.

We're like, all right. And then all of a sudden we're like, we're counting like one, two, three. And like almost on cue, then five seconds he goes, I got to change my fucking sheets. So we're like, he's like, stinks, starts taking his sheets off and we're just bracing ourselves. Oh my God. He takes his pillow case and he's like, what the fuck? And dumps it over and a bag of shit falls out. Oh man.

He was so fucking heated. He was so upset. He, he picked it up and he threw and I remember it came right by my face. Did the Ziploc bag open? No, but you know, him and Bill. It's a real testament to the Ziploc brand. It actually should be a Ziploc ad. I know.

And actually I was hoping that this way might reach some of their people. You don't know now. Might this episode of your mom's house is brought to you by Ziploc. Shit and in a bag, shit and keep on shitting. Yeah. So when he threw it, Bill threw it back and it basically was, you know, almost a brawl, right? And somebody definitely ratted on me, but I, I was able to deny the charges. Who ratted you out?

Well, that's the thing. I don't know, but I was like, I'm not fucking. So of course somebody did. Somebody did. And it's only they ratted me out. Probably, it wasn't probably the inner circle. It was one of those things where it got out like Tom shit. You guys bragged.

Somebody did. That's how you get caught. That's how the killers always get caught. I denied it for six, seven years. Wow. And then at his wedding, I told him. What a special. I told him.

Did you whisper in his ear? No, I toast. I gave him a toast and I told him, I'm the one that shit in your pillow case. And he was like, raise his glass. What a special gift. Yeah. But I love him. You know, I love him.

So you're saying you understand the logic of the New York shitter. And this is a good idea. This is dear to you. This is very dear to me. No. Remember the poop pile? Yes. Do you want to explain to people?

I do. I don't. I want you to because I don't believe you. This is one of those stories that you've been trying to sell me on for like 11 years. It's bullshit. You've been denying this one. Yeah. So such a lie.

I told you that my junior year, CJ, Jay Reed and I got an apartment off campus, freshman and sophomore year we lived on campus. Junior year we had an apartment, senior year we moved to another one. Junior year, it was this really like out in the woods kind of apartment complex, about 10, 15 minutes away from campus. And in the summer, we lived there just in and leave there, but Casey and I did. And we also had other roommates, people, I don't know, whatever. It was a weird neighborhood.

But every other day we would go in the backyard and we built this. There was a natural ladder, but we built like a seat off a ladder. We would take shits from there onto the ground. And the whole idea was to build a poop pile. So everybody would, the neighborhood kids were like, I want to take a shit there and we'd let them and then everybody would just. Oh, I don't believe this. I know you've been trying to tell me this story.

I think you're lying. Number one, why would you like this neighborhood kid thing? You just added that fact to it, by the way. No, I didn't. Yeah, you did. People from all over that apartment complex would shit there. Yeah, you did. So now this is a new fact that you've been adding.

No, I didn't. I've heard this story like a million times. Don't think I don't fucking listen to details now. What we would announce. We would go like that and then everybody would line up to try to shoot. This is the lie. It's not a lie. No, first of all, people don't line up to take shit.

When you got a shit, it's on your time. No, you don't. Everybody wanted to shit. Everybody wanted to poop. Okay, this is how I know it's a total lie. Okay, I'm going to make you do a polygraph on this. Seriously, why would I make this? Blue man, can we look into getting a polygraph test?

Because I've heard the fucking poop pile story now. I'm not since we first started dating. You try to convince me. Justin's try to convince me. Well, he's not trying to convince you. He is. You guys are in on this stupid, stupid lie. You want to call him and see if I'm making it up?

Dude, we've done this before and then he knows the story and then he makes up some shit too. We need a polygraph. That's the only way. By the end of that summer, remember Jurassic Park when they find the dinosaur mountain? The shit was like that. Okay. It was like a thousand shits in one pile. That is so, and where was it in relation to your windows and your rooms and stuff?

It's in the backyard. You guys had a pile of human feces in your backyard is what you're trying to sell me on. A huge, huge mountain. Nobody would let that. If you lived in an apartment complex, that wouldn't. You've never lived in North Carolina. That's where I lived. You're telling me that all the people that lived in the apartment complex were like,

we like this poo pile. We're lining up to shit from a ladder, a makeshift hillbilly ladder. They thought it was awesome. This is a total way to shit on it. Well, the listeners don't know is that you have been trying to sell me this bullshit story for 11 years. You're the one that brings it up. I think I'm functionally retarded and then I believe everything you fucking say.

I don't. I know you're lying. I don't lie. I'm not lying. Babe, we shit on that thing for a hundred days in a row. And so did everybody in that complex. Okay. There wasn't one person who was like, I don't want a pile of everyone's shit in my backyard.

There wasn't one woman that was like, guys, I'm not so sure. The smell in the summer flies. Nobody disliked it. Okay. But they didn't tell us, so they liked that their kids like to shit there. That's not saying it was a lot. No, it's not. It's what you've been lying.

Nobody ever said, hey, we got to stop this. And I like how you just added that the whole neighborhood stood in line and the children were cheering. Well, we yelled for a like that. Everybody would line up for shit. The children in the community. Yes. Yes.

Okay. I'm telling you. Such a lie. Sometimes guys come home from work and they would take your shit. They would come right there and shit there. Okay. I'm serious. A polygraph.

Okay. Blue van find out how much it'll cost. And we're going to do it. I'm sick of hearing this story. Okay. For years, I've been hearing this nonsense. Anyways, it's the fourth of July. It's America's holiday.

It's my favorite. I love drinking in public with people. I love going out with the general public and standing in parks and fireworks. You don't like fourth of July? I like America and I love our independence. I don't like to go anywhere where there's groups of people drinking, staring at the sky, stepping all over me. Yeah, I never really liked that stuff.

I never liked the huge crowds. But I don't like huge crowds on any day. Neither do I. Now, what I dread is when Ellis gets older, he's going to want to see stuff. Of course he will. And then we're going to have to do shit, like go see fireworks. Today is also every year the big Nathan's hot dog eating. Yes.

Most importantly, you used to be really into this more. I feel like hot dog eating was like your favorite. I loved it. I still do. But then, you know, life took over, responsibilities took over. But I'm your homeboy was Kobayashi, right? Wasn't he a guy? I love to cure out Kobayashi.

He was my favorite for many, many years. He trained really hard. He's the kind of guy that he would eat cabbage for weeks ahead to expand his stomach. Like he would do a lot of physical exercise to be fit outside again. He was super fit. Yeah. Black Widow member her. The Black Widow Sonia, Thomas.

She weighed like 90 pounds. The little aging girl. The IFOC. I'm a huge fan. She was good at winks. She was the wing champion. Right. You do have that book.

I do. Yeah, I read a book about it. Yeah. I'm fascinated. It actually started as a goof, obviously. Yeah. And then these two guys started the IFOCE and it became what it is. Well, um...

It's famous. They have other events, by the way, not just hot dog eating. As a tip of our hat, I mean, it's already over. But just before the event, we have this clip from one of the competitors, Richard Franco. Check this out. Right. Franco, not just a competitor, but the favorite to win the hot dog eating contest. It's the most you can eat in five minutes.

So, Richard, how often do you practice for something like that? I know my, you know, my parents might fool you. I've been on a giant diet. So... What's this? What's that? It's for the July. Is he doing sign language?

Big Bird all dressed up in American gear. Yeah, it's horrible. So, Richard's obviously, you know, he's saying that for the listeners. He's a big boy, you know. I don't know exactly the number, but I would say probably in the upper 300s. Okay. Just for... He's a competitive eater.

I don't, I'm not familiar with his work, but I'm excited to look him up. I'd like to know his deets. But I'm trying to make it clear. And so people listening, when he says, you know, I might, my appearance might not. It's because he's a real big guy. All right, right. Okay. I know my, you know, appearance might fool you.

I've been on a giant diet and life-changing stuff. I've dropped about 100 pounds in eight months. Wow. That's pretty good, man. That's crazy. He was even, he was 100 pounds heavier than this. Good for him. Good job, Richard.

So we're going to consider this my cheat day for the year. But, you know, prepping just gallons of water. There you go. You know, I have two giant inspirations. First, my wife. That's our second anniversary today. All right. I want to say hi to her.

And there's a comedian I love. He's a big, giant, fat guy, just like me, Burt Chrysler. And, you know, if he can do it, I can do it. He's still way bigger than I am, but you know what? Maybe I can inspire him. There you go. Oh my God, it's so good. What a wonderful thing that was.

That was amazing. What a treat that is. Burt Chrysler's fat. Dude, that was so good. That was so real, too. We didn't, we didn't ask him to do that. Of course not. Richard Franco.

Thank you, Richard. I know that you didn't win Nathan's, but you won our fucking hearts today. Yeah. You're the champion. That is amazing. And I got to tell you, that's, you know, I feel like the way that jokes go on this show.

Sometimes you were like, what happened to this bit? And it's like, you know, it's just like naturally hanging out with your friends. Things dip away. Yes. My feeling was this Burt thing is going to take the natural dip. Right. Right. That was just like, you know, what's his name?

The boxer, crazy loaks. Right. Right. Or Shane Lee or any, you know, or the Friday, Thursday, Thursday, yeah. Those are the things where like people come up. There's jokes about it. There's just a natural way things come up and about,

but I actually feel like as we're thinking this is going to dip down, I think it's actually going to rev up. It's, I think it's, it's gained momentum. It's gained momentum because Burt is also now more invested. He was like playing the victim card for a while. Right. And now he's like, he sent out a tweet that said, basically Tom, brace yourself for what I'm going to do to you.

And he said, revenge is a best, is a dish best served cold. Yeah. And then everyone was like, of course you're referencing food, you fat shit. But, but I really feel like it's about to actually, I think it's actually gotten bigger than we expected. It's, it's taken off. Because we don't even, people sometimes will say to us, oh, you know, you mentioned the Burt jokes again.

I'm like, yeah, dude, you have no idea how little we're talking about. Yeah. The momentum of it, it's become its own movement. It's taken over wikipedia. I think they changed Burt. They trade. They changed Gerard de Pardus wikipedia page Gerard de Pardus wikipedia page. At least for a few days last week, said that he bears an uncanny resemblance

to big fat slob comedian burnt Chrysler. That is an internationally acclaimed actor. Right Gerard de Pardus. Yeah, Burt's wikipedia page has been jacked. Burt's was completely hijacked. Um, things like this, like Richard, this is amazing. Thank you, Richard. Who's talking about a big fat guy named burnt Chrysler?

He goes, he's bigger than me, but it's way bigger than me, but hopefully I can inspire him. I'll tell you that the way Richard does it, it's the perfect organic. It's perfect. He really slid it in so naturally. It's like my wife and you're like, what a nice guy. And then he, he does it and the host. So like, oh, okay, yeah, just masterfully. He really mastered this.

You know, prepping just gallons of water, you know, I have two giant inspirations. First, my wife, that's our second anniversary today. So I want to say hi to her and there's a comedian I love. He's a big giant fat guy, just like me, Burt Chrysler. And you know, if he can do it, I can do it. He's still way bigger than I am, but you know what, maybe I can inspire him. There you go. He's so sincere.

He's so good. Richard's so earnest. There happened some pictures floating around on Twitter of Burt, like on the travel channel show. And he really is just enormous right now. Oh my God. He really, he really is enormous. He's actually, it did, it was a joke.

And then the pictures, like somebody took a snapshot of him hosting the show. And they, and it was a radio host in Indianapolis and you won't get this, but sports fans will. He go, next to Burt's picture, he put Fat Andrew Luck, which is the quarterback for the Colts. Burt looks like him, but like a thousand thousand more. Yeah. So people are doing that.

And then they're doing still shots, right? The screen grabs of him, like in that pool where he's like, he looks like he's 13 months pregnant. And they put an arrow where like a little kid is just looking straight at his stomach, like in shock. Yeah. So I'm also, I'm actually also really, I'm really interested at what he's going to, he's got something planned.

I mean, I, here's a, listen, yeah, I don't think it's as big as, this is the biggest thing we got. This victory with Richard here. I think we didn't even plan on prompted. Yeah. I'm prompted. This is just this guy's brilliant work here. I feel like you can't really top this dude.

Yeah, I know. I'm, I'm waiting and I, I already have a comeback. You and I have been talking in private behind closed doors. Yeah. A possible retaliation. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't, we're not going to disclose. We can't disclose it, but it would. Seriously up the game a lot. Yeah. If it would be insane and I'm really hoping that we. Well, let's see. Let's see what Bert, he'll throw down the gauntlet and will retaliate if necessary.

I mean, I feel like it's an ambush. That's what I feel like. That tweet suggests you're not going to be ready for it. And that's when it's going to get you. Okay. Well, let's see. Yeah. You know what's so funny?

Even my cousin just randomly today was like, Oh, I've been looking up hashtag bird is fat on Instagram. Just seeing what there is. Yeah. There's tons of shit. Yeah, it's a lot. Just that hashtag bird is fat. It's, it's taken over.

Yeah. And people have been, I don't say it's great. Most people that listen to this show, I'll give you credit. Are really, really funny with it. Oh yeah. Some people are mean and I feel like sometimes it's like, it's too mean, you know, like I'll say, I mean, I get the tweets too.

And then I'm like, Jesus, like they'll be really mean, but some of them are just super clever. Like, yeah, this is really clever. Nailed it. Doing it. Nailed it. Really funny. He's a great big, he's a giant fat guy like me.

Yeah. That's what he said. Giant. Great, he got great big giant fat guy like me. For Christ's fat. Yeah. So anyways, that's, that's amazing. That was the best thing.

That was amazing. I was so special. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. What, what a treat. What a neat, neat treat. That was incredible.

So anyway, I want to see how Richard did. I didn't, I only saw the headline that Joey Chestnut won. I don't know, was he at the Nathan's or was this a different one? I think, I don't, I'm not sure. I don't know. I have to look him up. There's an IFOC website and you can see all the

competitive eaters there. Yeah. And it gives their stats and like what they're good at and stuff. Well, we'll see. Okay. Let's see. Nathan's, right? Nathan's.

Yeah. Hot dog eating. Let's see if Jesus, he regains the hot dog eating title and sets record today. Yeah, Joey. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Did you already said that he drinks gallons of water to expand the stomach?

That's how they train. You think they train by eating? It's not that. It's, it's they train the stomach muscle because that's what it is. So they expand it a few weeks before that. Kobayashi was really good at it because he was physically fit and he would train his stomach too. Yeah. He was, he was really good at it.

So it looks like, uh, yeah. But then there was some weird thing with the league in him, Kobayashi. Man. What are you looking at? I was looking to see if there's like a list of the results. Oh, it might be too soon. Yeah. All right.

Anyways. Yeah. Go ahead. No, I'm just, uh, I just thought we'd bring up some topics of what happened in our lives this week. Sure. We had to take Bitsy to the ER. Oh my God.

Finally for her eating something toxic. After Saturday night, we fed her dinner and, uh, she was running around the backyard with a thief and she ran into a rose bush and just like kept on rolling. I was going to have dinner with a sickle sack. I was going to go to the comedy store to do my spot. And I already had an Uber on the way and it was actually out front by the time, you know, this happened. And her little legs, her hind legs kind of collapsed under her and she was woozy and she wouldn't respond to us.

And she just looked like sick. Like this dog was no good. So we throw in the car, we cancel our plans for the night. We go to the ER, the doggy ER, of course. And what happens as we park? What happens? She's like, hi guys, I'm back. Bounce right back.

Right back. Bad dog. Nothing was wrong. Nothing was wrong. So she ate something shitty, I think. And then it just kind of flushed out of her system. I don't know. Ridiculous.

She's been fine ever since. But thank God that saved us about $1,000 in, you know, dog ER. You know, cause they pull that bullshit on you like, oh, we should keep it here overnight and give it an IV and all this nonsense. Well, if she had to continue the same behavior, we would have done it. Yeah, we have to do it. But we literally halfway through the drive, I'm like, I think she's already a little better. Yeah.

Cause she was licking my hand and. But for a second, it was really scary. She like was not responding and she was like woozy. I thought she had a concussion. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I saw her run into a rose bush, but yeah, then we got to the place and she was sniffing licking stuff and she was like, is this a play place?

Yeah. Yeah. She came back to life. Yeah. Thank goodness. Yeah. That was quite a scare. It was very scary.

I hate that. I hate that one. The animals get sick, man. I remember when Feef was sick, that when we first got him, that was horrible. And that was fucking worse. The other thing is that with, uh, with Feef, they were like, it's $1,000 a day. A day, I remember. A day.

I know. We did a fundraiser show and. Oh my God. We saved his life. He's great. Yeah. Feef's the best thing. But tonight is his least favorite night.

Of all, all year. He hates tonight more than anyone. Most doggies, this is scary night for animals. Don't say a fucking thing. Yeah. It's scary. It's fireworks. They hate it.

Cats and dogs lose. I'm sure all animals, they don't know what's happening. Now this is my dog and hope fuck the shit out of you. Yeah. Don't pet my dog. Yeah. Asshole. You fucking asshole.

LinkedIn is helpful. Link, LinkedIn. I don't fuck with LinkedIn. Hey, so. LinkedIn. Did I tell you that I became obsessed with Dan Pena this week? Well, yeah. I mean, he was kind of a big hit on the show.

And a big hit in my heart. Yeah. I knew he were going to love it. I love it. And I did an episode of that's deep row on him this week. It's already dropped if you want to hear it. Yeah. And I get really into him.

So I researched Dan. I read his website. I read his ebook. I watched all the videos. He's outrageous. He's basically an old school. He's my dad's age. So he's just old school, like military guy.

Yeah. Not so much Shishwads of Eve though. I'll tell you that. Like he's he's got 50 billion dollars, but he doesn't have fun with it ever. Like because his whole thing is he goes, I work seven days a week, 20 hours a day. I sleep for four hours a night.

And you're like, why? Why? At a certain point, what are you doing? Why do you have 50 billion? You're not even enjoying it. Your wife probably can't stand it. Yeah. It's it's a little it's a little much.

Well, what's the difference between 50 million and 50 million? I would losers like the best wasting your time with people to meet. Correct. Correct. Show me your friends and I'll show you the future. That's one of your top top. It is three pieces.

Show me your friends and I'll show you your future. You want to know why you're all fucked up? Just look at the fucking bum to hang around with. You know, he said that to his kids. Fucking love it. At least a thousand times. Now, my father literally said those words to me. Your friend is a goddamn loser.

This guy is a fucking loser. Loser is real big on a foreign lexicon. Losers. Well, yeah. Fucking losers. My dad told me my friends are losers a lot. He's right. He was right.

He was. But he was fucking right. This is why you're fucking poor. So, yeah, you had him on or you have him on. I just discussed him and his dad was a policeman. I think his dad was a hard knocked guy on him. Oh, and I had Pat McAfee on charge to the game. A lot of people were recommending him before he does stand up.

And he's a punter in the NFL. He's an NFL player. Oh, my God. It's really hilarious in the conversation we had. So check it out. Charge it to the game. Pat McAfee, the kickoff specialist, punter, holder for the Indianapolis Colts.

It's really funny. Really funny. So, yeah, it's a damn pain. Yeah. There you go. He's my new hero. He's crazy. It's great.

I just, you know what it is? I do miss, I miss these people. I miss this time of our dads. Like guys that just say shit. They're gone. They're gone. It's everybody's so afraid of hurting people's fucking feelings. And this is just an old school way.

And it's not entirely wrong. Yeah. The guy's kind of right about a lot of stuff. You hang out, losers are going to be a loser. Yeah, he's not wrong. His whole thing too. It's so funny on his website. He's like, just fucking do it.

Yeah. Stop being a fucking cunt and just fucking do it. I think moving to the UK really upped his usage of the word cunt. He says it a lot. Yeah, that is a more OK. I know. But when you hear an American say it, like as he doesn't, yeah, it sounds, you're like, Jesus Christ.

Yeah. He's like, you fucking cunt. You're a fucking cunt. He really tosses it around. It's great. I love it. I love it. I listened to him and he has a podcast.

It's not very good. He's not a good podcaster. But it's ask. They ask him anything. He reads a question and answers it in three seconds and moves on to the next one. He's like, how do I get this done? You fucking go do it.

And the next question is like, yeah. That's how he does his podcast. And he's like, yeah, Dan, how do I become successful? Like, it's on my fucking website. It's all there. It's all fucking free. Read my fucking website. That's every answer.

It's going to my fucking website. What do I fucking say? It's so great. God love him. I don't know where he gets the $50 billion man from. I don't know what that's. You know what it is? Is that he was catchy.

It's a good marketing. Yeah. He was a CEO of some company and then he got fired. But he made the company a lot of money and then he became a coach immediately. Like he's like, I got fired and then the next day I started coaching people. And then he started the Scotland castle thing.

But you know how he makes his money? Is he charges you $20,000 a pop to go to his seminar in Scotland? Right. And he says, you focus on the few, not the many. Meaning like you, you get $20,000 from 10 people versus one dollar. Well, yeah, you see the little room he's in. It's probably 10, 15 people max.

Yeah. And suits. They're all sitting there like. They probably have to wear them. Of course. I'm sure he's like, don't dress like a fucking shithead in my class. Yeah.

He works out twice a day, Dan Peña. Come on. That's part of his 20 hour day and he's 70 years old. He sleeps four hours. He is the wife who's also a high achiever. So she understands the sun's intense. Yeah. He's super intense.

By the way, super fun. Somebody wrote in to us on Reddit. You know, there's a subreddit for the show. So a lot of people might not know that, but a lot of activity and it's a it's a good place. A lot of funny things are posted there. But somebody on Reddit asked, hey, mommy, sorry for being dense. And maybe this whole thing is going right over my head.

But I can't figure out if the whole, oh, baby, Gene's screaming again. He's having a rough night. Yeah. We had to reschedule our recording today. But people don't know that. Yeah. This is, we usually record during the day. Yeah.

This is a night time recording. But then our sitter for the, for the one we do the show, a sick. You want to stop? Should we stop? Let's pause. Let's see how he goes. Hold on here.

Start this over again. Okay. Backward back. Okay. Is he? Shelly, you think? Yeah, he's, I think he's okay. You put your dad glasses on and he felt your dad powers.

He felt dad powers through the walls. So I should get back to this email. Please. Yeah. So he says, I can't figure out the whole salami thing is real or real or a joke. Totally real. If so, are Tom and Christina in on it or somebody playing a joke on them? Oh my God.

It seems so hard to believe. And I feel like an idiot for not being able to tell what it is. Thanks. High and tight. Dude. Oh my God. We wish. I appreciate you posting this, but this is

it's all real. Maybe you joined the show later, but here's what happened. Christina got a new phone number months and months. I don't know how long ago now and there was a series of text messages and phone calls from different, four different people. One was for a dude. Adis who, there's Shana's, Shana's, Adis. Well, Shana's, we should tell people.

Shana's is a nurse and she has a lot of nursing opportunities. She's not hearing about Shana's gets calls every other week. Adis has a serious substance abuse problems and mental illness. Yeah. And people are always trying to help them and be like, are you okay? Are you out of rehab? And then like, Hey, I got pills. I got sticks on deck.

And then Salome is a Persian lady and has a friend who never sees her in real life, but leaves her relentless voicemails. And it's definitely not. I mean, that would, is it too elaborate? I could even show you and I will just, I've saved the voicemails. Hold on. I saved the Persian lady. These are, this is my real phone.

This is not a joke. Well, why don't I, here, I'll show you guys this. This is not a joke. Oh, should I need that one? Yeah, you might want to. Here, I keep them for the show. Blueban, if you want to, this says Persian lady. This is, this is just hide the top number that 818 number.

If you could discreetly kind of push it up. Show the camera. These, I've actually had to create an ad, like a contact number for Persian lady because I get these calls so frequently. So well also so that we never answer. Right. Accidentally answer. Yeah.

So this, I guess this number, like three people have had and they don't let other people know they've changed number. And this is a hundred percent real. So there you go. I mean, you can tell by the translations we get to that this is like, this is an old lady calling another old lady about some nonsense, but she never stops. She never gets, I mean, the weird thing is maybe she does see this lady regularly

and never goes like, Hey, did you get my fucking? I think so. Or the lady goes, Yeah, I got your message. And is just, you know, when old people just go like, like I told you, I saw that guy at the place a week after, you know, I saw a guy at a game, I haircut old guy. And I go, I saw your last time. And he goes, Yeah, we had a nice talk. And I know we didn't.

Oh, right. But he just said that and I didn't correct him. Yeah. Maybe it's that where she, you know, it's this, it's this one. I think what it is with Salome is that she has this person's, she has Salome's old number, which is my number, and maybe Salome's new number. So I think she goes back and forth. You know how you have contact save and you don't necessarily see a number.

So I think she, she and Salome are talking, obviously, because the update about the squirrel and the bags and the law firm and the thing, but she's leaving messages at the old number and she's not aware that she's doing that. Yeah. Because I've done that. Haven't you done like, like your dad's old number and then you don't even look at it. Yeah. It's just the contact.

Yeah. And sometimes I have friends who have changed numbers so many times that at one point, I had one of my friends contacts and had four numbers. Yeah. And I had to finally act like, which of these tried to lead. You know, I've had them for too, too long. Oh my God, oh my God. It's outrageous.

No, it's all real. Yeah. Hello, Salome. All right, Jesus. Hello, Salome. Oh my God, oh my God. How about this one? Oh my God, oh my God.

This one was great right here. This one was great right here. Somebody wrote in that this was, it's super crass, the way she's speaking in Farsi too. Yeah. That she's saying like, content whore. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's an old lady. You could tell, yeah, old school old lady.

Yeah. Yeah, well, there you go. Salome's, it's very real, my man. It's not a prank. We want the calls to stop. Yeah, seriously. They just don't. I would say that everything on your mom's house is our lives.

We don't make up stuff on the show. No, we even, some of you know. We share too much, I'd say. We've made it a thing that we don't want fake, we always go like, oh, is it fake? And we get bummed out. You know, we like to play jokes, but we don't like to play like, like fake videos. Sometimes they're not real. Like this guy's reacting to his sister farting and it's not real.

We don't play it. It's not as good. 00:52:06,480 --> 00:52:08,480 It's definitely not as good. Anyways, also update, there is a cookie thief in the house. Hmm. Do you know anything about this? I don't.

You want to. Yeah. So weird because I had birds so fat. Yeah. Well, your, your uncle Dave, we saw your family yesterday. Yeah. And he handed me two special cookies that he brought from Ohio and they were wrapped special wedding cookies, right?

Yeah. And I had them in my purse and I remember thinking, oh, I can't wait to eat these cookies tomorrow. And this morning I looked and there was a, just a wrapper with no cookie inside, just sitting on the credenza in the living room. Hmm. Do you know what happened? And there's only one cookie left in my purse.

I know blue band might have done it. You think he snuck in? Could have. Last night. And then also our, you know, our babysitter nanny helped. They have a key. She has a key. So you think the nanny snuck in last night around nine p.m.

I ate that cookie and left the wrapper on the credenza. Could have been any time overnight. Could have been while we were asleep. Should we ask her? And then she didn't show up today. Right. That sounds like a real guilty thing to do. I can't, I just can't believe that somebody had the audacity to rummage through my, my

purse because we never, I never discussed the cookies with anybody. Yeah. They gave them to me and the audacity of somebody in this house to rummage through my belongings and eat the cookie and then not even bother to hide the evidence. Well, I'll tell you what. Wow. When you fire her, I'll support you. I'll stand there and I will definitely have your back.

You know? Uh-huh. I'll be like, you're fucking fired. You stole. I just, I can't, I'm sorry. I can't get over the fact that somebody just left the wrapper. I'm disappointed too. I'm really disappointed.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, I'm glad we got that out of the way. And yeah, it's weird that she could be my mom. Wait, that's not it. It's weird that you would, she would, she would just leave the wrapper. Hold on one second. Yeah.

We're back on. We're back. Blue band. Oh. It's all right. What did you? Oh, okay. Oh, there's going to be a.

Interesting. A little frame jump. A little jump cut. Interesting. Blue band just had a very groundbreaking revelation. Why don't you tell everybody? Well, we spoke over the phone a couple days ago and while we were talking all of a sudden I, I just heard the touch tone sound.

And I think you smashed the phone with your face. To that I have to say this. I don't fucking think so. You're becoming top dog. I hate to tell you this, but you are, and you're becoming him so much that the other day you walked in the room and you didn't do this like ironically, you, you meant it. You were like, I had a, you go, I had a couple of really good farts today and you did not do it as a joke.

You, you were honest. I knew what I was doing. No bullshit. I had a couple of good farts today. I said that. Yeah. And then I, um, yeah, no, but the joke that I did to you earlier today, I said, you want to hear a cool fart?

That's such a good one. That's so stupid. It's so good. Who says yes? People that like to live, have fun. And if you're a listener, I think that'd be a really fun thing to try to incorporate into your life marriage and your marriage, but also like to your parents, to your friends, to your siblings, say you want to hear a cool fart right before you have to far as they

want to hear a cool fart and then they'll probably be like, yeah. Yeah. Then you do it. Nobody says yes, but you didn't say yes. Of course not. I didn't hear a cool fart. Have I heard them all the time with you? I smelled.

But this one was really cool. I was holding it on. Do you know what's so crazy? If you guys are listening and you have a spouse, have you ever had a fart that smells like your spouses? Like I farted in bed and it smelled like one of your farts. Isn't that special? That's pretty neat.

I didn't think that that was the case. I thought it smelled just like your stinky asshole, but synergy, isn't that what you call it? Synergy. I should have. Yeah. I tried to, um, I posted on mom's to Graham last week that I was at the butthole doctor checking for us.

Yes. Yes. The people, the listeners of the update and, um, so everybody was asking me like, what happened? What happened? What happened was nothing. We just did, uh, it was just like a get to know your butthole and he, uh, he just wants to run tests.

Did he give, did he check your oil? No, but it's going to come up. He said he's going to check your oil. Not for a while though. He's busy. His buttholes are busy. But I just can't wait for you to suffer the way I have the last year and a half. You know, that you know, narrow sense that it's funny.

It's just how it always is. You know, if you're, are you fucking stop trying to give your foot because I love you. He's like, you know, if you're like, my shoulder hurts and then you go to the doctor, your shoulder doesn't hurt. Always. Ever since I've gotten him, I feel much healthier in the GI tract. Yeah. Hmm.

Seriously. You know what it may have been? What? I've cut out those heavy breakfasts we were having. We've been having like smoothies. I did. I also called a food allergist. Yeah.

So I'm finally going to get tested for food allergies. I bet there's some stuff going on. Yeah. I think there's some stuff. We'll see. I'm not going to end up all Bert. I'm going to check it out. Now, um, all Bert, I like that also want to tell people that a new Patreon episode went

up episode three on Patreon and there's all kinds of goodies in there. We mentioned even in an email like, what's up with FIFA nator? We haven't heard him speak in a while. The thief is on the latest episode, oh, episode two has FIFA and he's going to be back on your mom's house. We talked to him. He said he wants to come on next week. So you can definitely get to know FIFA again next week because it has been a while, but

he did make an appearance on, on Patreon episode two and so did Betsy. Betsy talked on episode two. They'll both come on the show. Don't worry. It's not that we're keeping them over there. They just happened to come on when we were doing the Patreon show. We're also negotiating rates with FIFA on the double pipe classic shirts. We're in negotiations with him now, which is why he's not on today's episode.

Yeah. And, um, and many thanks to everybody that ordered double pipe classic. They're very rare. Uh, double pipe classic shirts. We actually had to reorder, uh, cause so many of you already. It's a good shirt. It's really a nice shirt. I've been wearing mine around town.

I wear mine in public water based ink. I think they call it, it's, it's soft. It's, it's a good looking shirt. And it's a good way to celebrate, um, having a double pipe or even yearning to have one. People have told me, can I wear one if I feel like a fraud and it's like, well, can you dream? Of course you can. Hmm.

That's the first time I've seen you drink water this week. How funny. Cause I probably had like 70 gallons this week. Oh, please. You know, I've been getting a lot of Twitter support from my end of this, people realizing you're showboating and you're bullshitting. The truth is I hydrate constantly. You just hydrate for the cameras and people are catching on.

People are catching on. I don't think, uh, I'm H2 flow and you're H2 no, and I've been H2 showboating. Because I'm the one who actually drank the H2O. My dad came over, uh, yesterday. Yeah. Was that fun? Yeah. He brought a friend and Jeff, all of them said some interesting things, shared some

knowledge. Yeah. This time was neat. We talked about, we talked about parenting. He's very bothered by, uh, he said he was, I think at the pool, somewhere at a pool when he was, uh, you know, these kids were in the pool. Every two seconds, people were like, good job, good job for the fucking swimming. Good job.

They say it too much. You know, they should wait till the end of the day and then one time you go, you did a good job today. Right. I was like, dad, so you don't, you don't want to build up a kid's confidence too much, right? And he's like, no, of course not. How'd they gonna know they do a good job?

I'm like, that's good. Thank you. He thinks we're overdoing it. He thinks we're overdoing it. Not us, just society. Right. Society with, uh, making kids feel good about themselves. He might have a point about how, oh, you know, some, some occasions that can be overdone.

I think saying good job to a kid learning how to swim. I think that's okay. I think you can probably do that. I think you should. Yeah. I agree. I agree. Especially if they're really young.

Yeah. So that was nice. It's kind of two, three years old. No. Just once, once a day. Once a day. Yeah. I don't think my dad really, uh, gave me a lot of praise clearly, um, somebody pointed

out speaking at water, they, uh, wrote an email, dear water champ and other mommy, Christina. Okay. I think I figured out why Tina thinks she's the water champ. Really? As you can hear at one hour, eight minutes, 10 seconds of episode 342, where in Tina thinks Tom's dental story is her own, obviously, this means Tom takes a drink of hydrating and refreshing H2O H2O, Tina believes she took a drink of water as well. I think this is where the confusion comes from, and I think you're correct, sir.

Thank you for writing into us. How come are you choosing the emails that are being read this week? These are, uh, on the cheat sheet. Interesting. Yeah. Interesting. Thanks, blue band. Good job.

Guess someone got a raise. Yep. Interesting is correct. Hmm. It's interesting point. I'm very, very interesting. Um, here, I'm going to show you this. Yeah.

Uh, this is Mr. Patreon. Put that down. Mark, Sean, Lynch. I've heard his name before. You've talked about him. Yes. This is a great clip.

Uh, he's talking about, you know, playing foosball, as you call it. Yeah. And, uh, I'll just let him do it. Yeah. This is Nickname. His bottom Teefuses are weird. What's going on there? There's some gold.

Only baby teeth, but then there's two naturals in the front. Those. All right. So, if you just run through somebody's face, a lot of people ain't gonna be able to take that over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over. Okay. And over and over and over and over and over and over again.

They just not gonna want that. Because of a deeper metaphor there, run through a motherfucker face. Yeah. Love it. That's what's up. Love it. Yeah. Over and over and over.

He's right. I mean, Marshawn don't play around. Oh, I like it. What does he play again? What team? Well, he just retired. Oh, he played for Seattle. Nice.

I like him. Yeah. What else? Why else do we know him? Why do I know his name? Why do you know Marshawn Lynch? What else have you played of his? Is he funny?

Yeah. I mean, he's definitely one of the bigger personalities of the last decade in the NFL. He did this thing for, he hated the media basically, he hated being ordered to speak to them. It's in your contract. I agree with him. He did this press conference where you have, you're obligated to spend, let's say, in the Super Bowl, the press conference leading up to it, 15 minutes speaking to the media.

It's just contractually. So whatever he was asked, he would go, I'm here so they don't find me. And then they would go, but are you worried at all about what Denver might, I'm here so they don't find me. That's what's up. And then they would say, how are you feeling since getting here? He's like, I'm here so they don't find me. Yep.

Good for him. I think it's horrible that they ask you how you feel after you've lost a game. Well, this is before the game or even before he didn't want to talk to the media. He wants to get in his own head, get in his zone. Yeah. I don't know if they find him for that. That sucks. Did they?

I remember it. Well, he did this thing during the year before that where he was getting fined for never speaking. Like at first he was like, I'm not. So they would just ask him, he wouldn't respond and then he came up with some, some answer that was also like a really dismissive answer. I like him a lot. I forget what it was.

And then it became, I'm here so they don't find me. So it was a progression to that. Good for him. Yeah. He's my new favorite. Him and Alan Iverson, talking about practice. Over and over again. They're just not going to want that.

I think there's a deeper metaphor there run through a motherfucker face. Yep. Yeah. Okay. That's true. I like him. Yeah. It's a really good way of looking at things actually.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you could, I think Dan Pena would like that. Don't you think? I think Dan Pena would have, yeah, of course. Yeah. Of course. Of course.

Dan Pena would be like, you should run through a motherfucker face. Get that cunt and fucking, fuck him in the face. Get the cunt. Booker. Booker. Yeah. I'm breaking a sweat. All this 60 minute bread.

Y'all ain't touching off the night. One dinner. True. We was right at Chocobill and I couldn't even get no motherfucking quesadilla. Quesadilla. Marchand's got personality. Yeah. I like that guy.

Yeah. You know, if he's not really feeling it, he just can't do it. Why can't I walk with my phone? We had never done a walking shot like this before. You know, he agreed to do it, but he was kind of on his phone. I don't even think he was, he was FaceTiming somebody. I asked him, can we just, can we take that again? But maybe you're not talking on the phone this time, but he, he, he wasn't thrilled.

Oh no, you is the worst. You worse than my damn mama. That's great. I love this guy. Love that guy. You might see some needles on the ground. You might see some pyrex. You know what I'm saying, though?

You had to be sharp, had to stay on your toes. How does that impact you seeing that as a kid? I think it impact me to be prepared to deal with y'all. If you come to me with some fucking shit, I'm probably going to see that a mile away. Love it. My new favorite. But see, it seems like you like what a lot of people like, which is authentic people. Yeah.

He keeps a 100 for sure. I like it. I like it too. No bullshit. That's why I was drawn to Dan Pena too. Yeah. He's lived your life that way. Well, I was just ear to ear smiling.

Oh yeah. No, I spent all week with Dan Pena. When I've met people like that, I'm the same way. Yeah. You know, it's not, I mean, the cursing I do like, I'd like people. I love it. But it's just, it's the, it's people that aren't trying to make you, trying to please you.

They're genuinely being, that's why people tell you to be yourself when you really are, these guys like Marshawn and Pena, actually what they have in similarity with each other is that they are both authentic. Zero fucks given. Well, zero fucks given, but they're being like true to themselves. Yeah. You know, who's like that is top dog too. Exactly.

Top dog doesn't care. You know, my favorite thing about top dog is when. That stuff, but then it's like top dog. Do you want to go to Italy? Ask top dog if he wants to go to France. I don't want to go there. Why not top dog for what? And you go, well, some pretty amazing artifacts, museums there.

And he's like, yeah, I think about a museum, art museum. You walk in, you see it, and then you saw it. He's like, I don't need to see it. You know, but that's why I love that same picture online. I can look online. Yeah. And also what I love is that your dad has zero tolerance for small talk or socializing to, maybe not even to a fault.

He talks to me. He and I jam out. Yeah. Cause I'll talk about war with him all day. I love talking about. He abandons people and make a conversation. Oh yeah. It's the best.

It's a little much. Yeah. Walks away from people. I know. As they're talking to him. I know. Happen at the next wedding, somebody goes, don't think your old man like me that much. And I go, why is that?

And he goes, well, you know, he said something and I asked, then he asked me something and I was answering and he walked away. And I go, no, that's just, that's. That's cause that person was boring. Top dog. Cause he was born. Cause if you talk about the stuff. I couldn't tell him.

Well, the thing is that you're boring. Yeah. You're fucking boring him. Yeah. Top dog and I, we took that cruise in Cincinnati on the river that day. Yeah. Your dad and I sat on the top deck and we wrapped for like 30, 30 minutes. I would say.

He loves you though. I love your dad cause he didn't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck and we don't give a fuck together. Right. And it's really fun. Yeah. Yeah. I tried not giving a fuck with your family yesterday and I was penalized and peer pressured.

Yeah. And to going on a fucking walk that I didn't want to go on. It's so funny that you said, so this is the best. We were at my cousin, Yannette's house and her parents are in town. My uncle Dave and Blanca, they've been, they've been here before. They've been on the show before. I think it was actually a, a phone call that they did on, maybe it was on a, on a bonus episode.

If you go back to like the, um, the, you, the, what's it called? iTunes bonus episodes, the ones you can buy on Amazon and. What's that called? Yeah. So you told me that last time and I told your mom and she said, Tom is, Tom is making that up. I have, I have a recording of her saying it. You are kidding.

No. Well, Tommy, I hate to tell you what happened now. I'm going to tell you, and this is the truth. I don't even feel them when they're coming out and they said, did you just want, they said, did you just fart? I said, I might do because I smell it too, but I don't know because I just don't, they just escaped. That's Blanca.

She's adorable. She's really adorable. Um, Well, I'm going to tell you exactly what causes that kind of fart. So we were at, yeah, Ned's house, Brie Brie's there, his wife, their daughter. Little clan. Yeah. It's a lot of people.

It's probably what 10, 12, I don't know. So anyways, about our, no, 10 minutes into it, they go, Hey, we're going to go on a walk and a little bit to this beautiful, like a point on the beach. We were down in Orange County and we go, okay, um, you want to come? And I go, sure. And I go, baby, you want to, you want to come and you go, what, and I go, you want to come on this walk? And you go, I don't want to walk.

Not at all. And then sounds horrible. Everybody else is like, Hey, we're getting ready for this walk. And then I hear one of them go, are you coming Christina? And you go, no. And then they go, are you okay? And then you go, yeah. And then I'm not, but the thing is, I couldn't tell either.

I go, are you all right? And you go, why is everyone has me fine? Okay. That was great. I was having fun with the kid. I was playing with Ellis on the floor. I was like, why don't I want to pick him up and go on a fucking walk. We all leave the place.

And I'm going, so you're staying behind you. Yeah. And then as we walk down the hill, the first, you know, a hundred yards, uh, I hear Jean Echo, oh, hey, wait, wait, wait, Christina is coming. And I go, okay. And then you go, I didn't know I was going to be the only one that stayed behind. Yeah. So you're the only one that was staying by.

Well, cause your uncle Dave is anti-social like me too. And I saw him sitting on the couch and I thought, oh, he's going to stay behind and we can. Yes. Bullshit a little bit. I didn't want to go on a walk because the problem is one man's idea of what a walk is, is totally agree. Totally agree.

Totally agree. So how do I know what I'm getting into? Yeah. I was all comfortable. I'm wearing, you know, not the right shoes. No, I know. Who goes on a fucking family walk? Family walks are what Americans do.

What are you talking about? A lot of Americans do that. I never walked. There was never a walk in my life with the family. Well, you weren't raised in an American household, but it is not that uncommon. I was like, why do I have to go on a fucking walk? Did you ever do it? Yeah.

Yeah. Get out of here. Yeah. He's not even fucking one of us, you know, family walk. Yeah. Where would they walk? Just like around the block. Together.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I just thought like, why do I have to do everything everyone else is doing? And then I felt pressured because then your other cousin was like, are you okay? I'm like, I'm fine. I'm great. And then you're ruining my time right now. More to your point, there were parts of this walk that were like, they were not appropriate

for a stroller. Horrible. So I'm like, dude, why don't you say that there's a stairs, two flights of stairs with this fucking stroller? Yeah. He was like, oh, I'll carry the front. I'm like. All right.

So yeah. And then uphill. Yeah. And then it blazing in the sun and the beach and I got a six-month-old baby with a sunscreen on him. Beautiful. And you're like, yeah, it is. But anyways, it wasn't a stroller walk.

No. I know the six-month-old and he's getting burned and everything. I'm like, come on, get your life. Get your entire. So then I took the car ride back with your uncle Dave. They're like, who wants the car? I'm like me. I got on that car as fast as I could.

Yeah, I know. Go on a fucking walk. Horrible. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to do anything. Yeah. It's the worst. Check this out.

You'll like this. Oh, Jesus. You got that shit? What's up, darling? You got that shit, bro? Uh-oh. I got three bucks. You got.

Tweaker. You got. Oh, I gotta go back to my three bucks. Oh, you don't even believe what happened, Dave. So for our listeners, a dude is inside his home on the second floor with his camera running and a guy on the outside just crawled up the side of the wall and is latched onto the outside of the wall. Cigarette.

And he's like, you got that shit? I need my three bucks. I got my. Oh, shit. I forgot my three bucks. Right. There was this dude. And there was this chick.

And there was this pipe. And it broke. And then we ran. And I hit this guy. And he hit me. And I hit him. And he called cops. And they came.

And they let me go. You got the shit? Oh, my. You got the shit? Oh, my. You got the shit? Oh. He set me up here.

Three dollars? He set me up here. Three dollars. Is this the wrong house? Right? Yeah. It's the wrong house. Well, he, he's really fucked up looking.

Catch a mustard. He's got ketchup mustard. Yeah. He's doing stuff. Yeah. He's got a little leavened teeth, but they're space weird and weird colors. That's the least of his problems. I know.

Hey. Three dollars. Three bucks. Jesus Christ. You got the crack here, right? Oh, boy. Oh, no crack. Oh, fuck.

You guys don't have crack. Fuck you guys. Yeah. It's a little long. Fuck you there. Fucking white people, man. Don't come back. You better crack.

Okay. It's a good point. Next time, it's always best to have crack for people that want crack. I didn't know you could score a crack for three bucks. I didn't know it was that cheap either. I thought at least five per rock. Jesus. Three bucks.

You got to move a lot of rocks. Yeah. To make some profit. Money. Yeah. Yeah. You'd be good on that. You got those three bucks.

Jesus. That's like that. Wonderful whites. Yeah. Yeah. She's like, look, I'm going to bought these for six. Going to sell them for nine. Okay.

All right. Money bags. Three bucks a pill. Wow. But I guess all things considered, it's a pretty cheap habit to have crack. Yeah. Yeah. That's why people.

That's a good one. Yeah. And score. How much is cocaine? I've never bought. I don't know. I don't know. No wonder.

Do you know blue man? Do you want cocaine? It's the, you know, it's the higher class. Yeah. Droga. It was drogas. Yeah. You don't score it for three bucks.

No. How can I get for three bucks? They might take one little grain and go like, there you go. Yeah. See if you can find that. Yeah, crack. Jesus. Smoking crack.

Trying to smoke that shit. It's tough. Man, you ain't kidding. How do you get into that? Like, you know that it's bad for you. Everybody knows not to smoke crack at this point, right? Yeah. Starting it is a really bad thing.

That in heroin, when you try heroin, it's going to give it a shot. Everybody, it's universally acceptedly. It's a bad idea. Oh yeah. It's real bad. Real bad. Oh. Oh my gosh.

Lost them shits. Lost them shits. Did you brush? Today? Yeah. Your teeth are really dirty. Thanks. They look like beef's teeth.

All right. They're like brown in parts. Dear mommies. God, that's really gross. I have a couple of things to tell you. I've been listening every week for just over a year now. And because of you, I went to the dentist for the first time in five years. The reason I stopped my last dentist was a dick.

Doing things like refusing to use novocaine. Luckily, it wasn't too bad. Just two cavities. Good. I feel now that I will be a dentist regular. Well, that's great. Good for you. You don't know who that's from.

Good for you. No. Oh, this next one has the name in it. But yeah, congratulations. And we definitely encourage you to definitely go to the dentist. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. We definitely encourage you to definitely go to the dentist as often. I found a guy, by the way, when I was at the doctor, he works in the dentist's office selling whitening trays for discounts. The gel. Yeah. You found a guy.

Yeah. What? Here's what happened. I'm waiting to get my butthole checked. This is the truth. Yeah. I'm waiting to get my butthole checked. The guy in scrubs walks in, goes to the counter, and he goes, hey, I work at whatever doctor

three doors down. Okay. The dentist. $3 for crack. Go ahead. And he goes, we are moving to whatever a new office. But we wanted to tell people in the building that if you want to get your teeth whitened, we're giving it for free to other...

You got to go. No, no, no. He goes, God, you're the worst. God, you have big teeth. And... My teeth are perfect. No, no, no. They're so good.

He goes, I said, hey, what did you just say? I called him out and he goes, oh, I'm just doing this. He goes, oh, I like that you asked, well, we sell the gel as well. He goes, do you have the molds? I go, I do. I have the trays. He goes, if you go to this site and he gave me like a passcode, he said, you can order the gels, the refill stuff for just like wholesale cost.

We have a whole fridge full of... Not anymore. We don't. Again, it's on the bottom. God damn it. No, I just fucking saw it yesterday. No, you didn't. I'm telling you, it's on the bottom shelf behind the soymilk.

Show me. It's in a fucking mug, dude. Show me. Because by the way, that shit's no good anymore. Of course it's good. No, it's not. We moved with it. It was out in the fucking...

How can... The gel's not going to go bad. He told me it does go bad. Oh, bullshit. Okay. Well, anyways... Go buy some more shit you're not going to use on your teeth. By the way, I'm really terrified that I don't have a dentist up here yet.

So call and get one. These pop off. I am fucked. Call and get one. I think about it every day. Why can't you call and get one? But what do I do? Do I call and go, hey, I'd like to become a patient in case...

What did I buy that I didn't use for my teeth? The gel already. You bought the trays. You bought the gel. You never bothered committing to whitening them. I've whitened them before. You've done it like three times in the last two years. Hey, Mommy's, my name is Matt.

No, I'm listening to me. I'm being serious. They've had my first dental appointment in close to 20 years. I am 28 years old and I've been too nervous to even look in the going for fear of getting judged. After listening to you talk about the importance of keeping teethies high and tight, like my jeans, I bit the bullet. I'm happy to report that I came out of my appointment with only three minor cavities.

I did find out that I'm going to need my wisdom teeth removed because my bottom ones grew at a 90 degree angle and will cause future issues. I brushed my teeth at least once a day. You should go for it. Let's try for twice, guys. I've lost fairly regularly and always use mouthwash. Thank you for giving me the courage to go to the dentist and step up my teeth game. I do have one tough question though.

Why is Burr Chrysler so fat? Excellent question. We don't know. Nobody knows. But I'm very proud of you for going to the dentist and you should continue to go and try to up those. Can I finish asking my question? What?

What do I do? Do I call it some dentist and I go, I'm a new patient. I just want to enroll or something. Here's what I would do. Okay. I would call our, I would call our old dentist again and I would say, hey, I moved up here. Yeah. Do you recommend anybody in this area?

I did already. Okay. He didn't know shit. Okay. So that was the first one. The second one would be call our physician who works in that area and say, we moved up here. I used to have a guy down there.

We're up here now. Can you recommend a dentist? And he's going to say, yes, Dr. Dic-Dic-Dap-Ba-Boo-Boo. But do I call the dentist before my veneers pop off accidentally? Yes. Get, get, get a, yes. Like get a record already established. Sure.

I'm going to do it tomorrow. Do it. Look, I'm writing it on my fucking hand. Okay. Ah, shit. I got to get going. Oh, you got to go? Yeah, I got to go.

What do you got? You got some shit to do? Yes. You know, we played, I think, a soccer guy and I said something like, oh, does no other sports announcers are as passionate as soccer announcers. Oh. Here's a hockey. Oh, hockey.

I love it. Here's Lee, I'm feeling the effects of exhaustion. Here's a long pass to set him. Right in over the line with O'Reilly. O'Reilly drags and shoots. He's gone. That's good. Well, I won't take that one back.

That was not as crazy as soccer guys, not even close. It's good for America. Yeah. It's American. They're not Canadian. Yeah. Yeah. No, that's Buffalo.

I mean, it was passionate, but come on. It's not like the soccer guys or football. All right. Anything else? Jeans you got? You want to say anything? It's where our dogs head off. Hi.

No, no, I love you guys. Thanks for listening. Don't hang out. Losers don't hang out. Fucking losers. You want to know why you're fucking loser? Sorry. Your mom'shousepodcast.com.

Thank you for getting the double pipe classic shirts. Please sign up for Patreon. Put that down and Thompson girl.com tickets for shows 1000 ranch.com for Chris jeans. Anything else? Anything else? We're all good. All right. The song by is it son of nothing?

Yeah. Son of nothing with the double pipe classic song. Yeah. That's it. See you later. That's all. Bye, mommy. 317 p.m. June 20th, 2016.

I witnessed Tom having a double pipe classic. They're extremely rare and you can't force them. Double pipe classics. It's a surprise. Just gonna burp. Just gonna fart. It happened. Double pipe classics.

Burp fart. Double pipe classics. Burp fart. Both. Boom. Off the bar. Classics. Classics.

Classics. Classics. Classics. Classics. Classics. Classics. Classics. Classics.

Classics. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You have a motherfuckin' script. You're a fucking monkey. My tits are too small. Oh, your tits are just right though. My tits are too small.

And we used to drink at lunch. And we drank at breakfast. Nobody in this fucking room has gone through any kind of pain like this. Especially you, cunt. Be smirks. Be smirks. Everybody understand? Be smirks?

Well, look it up. Google fuck it. Face fuck. Link fuck. Queens fuck. Google fuck it. And this is you, YouTubers. Pay attention, YouTubers.

You're fucking cunts. You faggot. Faggot. Laugh and fart. Bag bags. Well, everybody. I don't discriminate. My daughter is a bad lover.

But say my dad treats everybody the same. And he treats him like shit. You're a cunt. But you're so fucking stupid. But because you're all cunts, Merry Christmas will fuck yourself on that note. Happy note.