Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 352-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: July 13, 2016

The thing about having your balls shrink is ultimately, it's the best thing that can happen. It makes your salami look so much bigger and who doesn't want that. Ze Zim Xir yim. Those are all preferred pronouns of severely mentally ill people, some of whom you may know. Make sure whenever you meet someone you open with, "Hey, what's your pronoun?" Plus, did Tom lose a bet and get his thumbs burned by cigs? Is the poop pile real? We work on getting you ANSWERS. AND #bertisfat is finally something you can own - get the new shirt and show the world you are on "TEAM TOM."        

You guys had a pile of human feces in your backyard. Poop pile, poop pile, poop pile, poop pile, poop pile. We like this poop pile. It's a poop pile. Everybody wanted to poop pile. We shit on that thing for a hundred days in a row. People from all over that apartment complex would shit there. It was like a thousand shits in one guy.

The neighborhood kids were like, I want to take a shit there. Everybody wanted to poop pile. Everybody wanted to poop pile. That was a pile of fun by DJ Orlando. I got it. I liked it, especially because you're a big liar with this poop pile nonsense. What do you mean? Everybody knows it's a lie.

No, not. You tried to fool me for the last 11 years. No, it's true. It's not true. Yeah, it is. Give me one person who actually was on the poop pile, that put on the poop pile, that's not one of your best friends who lies. Well, they're all people that live there, babe.

Okay, well, then let's call those people up. How do we find them still? Blue Band's a producer. He can find anything. Okay. How do we find people? It's the internet, babe. How are we going to find their names?

I don't remember the names of the people my junior year of college. That was a long time ago for you, too. Look who's talking. You've got to be kidding me right now. Yeah, but you look older than me and you act older than me. I do look older and I'm much more mature. That's not true. Yes, it is.

You're not more mature. Yes, you're a child. Oh, no, no, no, don't go into so. What do you mean? I'm so much more mature than you. No, you're not. Why? I'm just 10,000 times more mature than you.

10,000 times. Yeah, you're a child. I'm a grown-up. You're stupid. You smell. Your beard smells and I smelled what you ate yesterday. We're going to talk about that. Cincinnati was great.

Thank you, everybody, that came out to Liberty Township. Liberty Township. Very, very north of Cincinnati. How was that new club? It's beautiful. Yeah. It is beautiful. It's way better than Kentucky.

Newport, yeah. That was a goddamn dog shit pile. Now, that was a poo pile. That location was a poo pile. It wasn't my favorite. It wasn't my favorite. No, me neither. It attracted the riff-riff.

God. A lot of drunks. It was really rough. A lot of animals in that area. I had people vomit in that showroom a few times on me. I had a tweaker run up to the stage. Tell you, if you're trying to get your act to dumb down, maybe do some spots. It would happen.

I know. To get through the shows all of a sudden. I know. You're like your final show. You're like, oh my God, I'm fucking retarded now. Yep. You guys like to fart and shit. That's our show, by the way.

I know. Yeah, but we do it sophisticated. Right. We're sophisticated. It's like songs and stuff. No, I know. This weekend, I'm in Manly A-hole. That's good.

Sometimes called San Diego. Every show is sold out except for the show we added. I added a show Thursday at 9 45. So if you want to still come to the shows, it's at the American comedy company, Gaslamp District, downtown San Diego. Is that downtown? I don't know. It's where all the people have fun, the gas lamp.

Anyways, we added a show Thursday. Are you going to go to TGA Fridays like last time? Of course. You and Kyle Kanane ended up at a TGA Fridays, remember? That was fun. It's really funny. That was our most fun time of that week. So thank you, everybody.

Please come out and then St. Louis tits the next weekend. That's a good one. Yeah. 21st, I think. I like that. 22nd, 23rd of July. And then, oh, there's a couple of things that change. I got to, I'm not allowed to announce why yet, but I had to move some dates, but just

to let people know what's happening, I could pull this up. I'm still coming to McGoobie's Joe cows. That's in Timonium, Maryland. That's the greater Baltimore area. So balls and whores, please come see me. Then come on our bus. Ohio, August 11th through 13th and definitely coming there. Let's see.

Charlotte, North Carolina, Comedy Zone, October 14th through 1415. And then I had to move Jude or titties. And the reason was because of this thing I'm doing that haven't given permission to talk about yet, but we moved it to October 27th through 29th. So I'm still coming. It's just about six weeks later. Laughing Derby and loose her tits bill Kentucky November 10th, 12th, 10th to 12th. And then the track of your theater and fill her up Delphia, Pennsylvania.

We added a show. It is November 18th. That is on sale now. Jeans. What do you got? All right. I go on tour. I do one nighters now.

September 27th, Seattle, Washington at the to come on your comedy club. September 28th, Shartland, Oregon at the helium comedy club. What? Pork them whores again. Well, for what? For Portland. So that's a stretch. Really?

I was submitted by Mike Silver. Pork them whores again. Pork them whores again. Okay. Pretty good. If you say it like, yeah, pork them whores again. Yeah. Pork them whores again.

Pork them whores again. Yeah, I got it. That's a good one. Thank you. October 4th, Dallas, but what would that be? Fallis. Fallis Tejas at Hyena's comedy club. Good club.

October 5th. Huge come Texas at the secret group. October 23rd, a million floppy tits. Indiana. Oh yeah. We also got submitted Indian Apple tits. That's good. Indian Apple tits.

KC. And then October 24th, Cincinnati, Ohio at Go Banana is my favorite. Great club. Obviously for obvious reasons. Yeah. I'm going to commemorate the Cincinnati fard. I'm going to try to stay at that hotel. Hopefully.

Yeah. We'll see. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Guys, get the tickets now for all those shows at thousand ranch.com, T-H-O-U-S-A-N-D ranch.com. Also, if you do your shopping on Amazon, please use our banner at H-T-T-B colon slash slash www.yourmomshousepodcast.com.

And click on the Amazon banner at the bottom of the homepage. Yeah. All your shopping helps the show. And also, of course, we have bonus episodes, bonus content. Boner episodes. Boner episodes at Patreon. Put that down. Patreon.com slash mom.

I like when you say it under your breath more. Put that down. Put that down. They agree or Patreon. 12 times. Patreon. Touch that shit. We have a lot of fun stuff there.

So, Patreon. Put that down. Patreon.com slash mom. This week, we have some visitors coming to our home. So, I'm going to try to get them in here to do some bonus content. Boner content. Yeah. Boner content.

Are you going to say who they are or are you going to keep it a secret? Oh, wait. We can say, I guess, right? Yeah. Mario Lopez is coming. My sister, Maria. Oh, God. And then later, well, actually next week.

God. Top dog and Charo are going to be here. It's a huge family event coming up. So, and then my cousins are coming up from Riverside. Not that far. Yeah. My aunt. The whole clan is going to be here, guys.

It's going to be crazy. But I'm excited to talk to Mario Lopez. We haven't talked to her in a while. I know. On the show. We got to get her in here. She's got a lot to say. We'll talk some shit.

We'll talk some shit. Talk some fucking shit. I'm so afraid of her because she's very active and we're not. I know. She's going to be doing wind sprints around our house. Oh, my God. Time is fat. Bart is fat.

Everyone is fat. You guys are fat. What are we going to do today? You're looking at it. I know. You keep worrying about that. I thought, what are we going to do today? Because we don't do much.

We just hang out with our baby and do a show. We're not big. We don't do a lot of activities for the sake of doing activities. Right. We don't have that kind of time. She's like that. Yeah. She's the kind of person.

It's like, I have to go to Starbucks. She also finds the time. You can't tell her there's no time. She'll be like, no, there is time. Yeah. We're just going to run ourselves into the ground. Yeah. Yeah.

Like you and I, we put the kid down. We preserve energy. Yeah. We don't like cook full meals and, you know. I hope they'll let me cook for the party. Oh, that'll be fine. I hope they'll let me cook for the party. She should definitely.

Yeah. And then let her hang like the lights in the backyard. Yeah. Yeah. Let's just make her do her errands. That's the key. That's the key. That's not working downstairs.

Yeah. Let's get her to fix. Yeah, let's get her to fix. Hey, what's up, everyone? Today, I'm going to talk about, do steroids make your balls shrink? Well, the answer is yes, they do. But let me throw this at you. Is that really a bad fucking thing?

This is big time. Who is Ryan? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Don't burn me in the fucking stands. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura. And Christina Pajitzis.

And Christina Pajitzis. Welcome to your mom's house. Are you shaking your head? Can you grab a source, Rex? I know what's going on. You know what it is? It's later in the day than we usually tape. You're a little tired.

Yeah. Have some brown diarrhea. Thanks. This will make you feel better. You're used to drinking this instead of water anyways. Yeah, sure. I'm the fucking water champion. You sabotaged me.

I brought up that bottle of water and then you claimed it like it was yours, Myer. You were going downstairs. I asked you to bring water, please. I couldn't carry everything in my hands. Jesus. If you are such a water person, you would already have taken care of your own needs. What are you talking about? Of water.

You wouldn't pass it off on me. I can't ask you to bring water? Not if you're a water champ. You should just have it up here. Oh my God. You're such a jerk today. Tom. What?

Can we please talk about... We'll get into this guy. I think it's amazing. This guy looks good. This is a natural look. He's a healthy dude. Someone's in the health. Someone's way in the health.

But you don't think it's amazing when you came home yesterday from your trip. Yeah. And I smelled your beard. Yeah. And I guess what you had for dinner the night before. Yeah, because I hadn't showered since, because that went from the show to the hotel. I had an early flight. Right.

And you were like, you put your nose in my beard and you go, you had meat? You know, last night I did. Yeah. Yeah. It's so cool that it stays trapped that long. I would think that it was like, you know, few hours. Right. It stayed in there for 15, 16 hours.

And you flew and you woke up and you ate other garbage. Right. Probably had bow jangles in the airport. I didn't have bow jangles. You don't like to get that? No. Before you fly? Six in the morning?

I don't ever... Like as much as I am somebody that'll eat definitely garbage sometimes, I never do the morning trash. Oh no. It's like McDonald's. Like when you see people just lined up at 5 a.m. No. Who's doing that?

Pretty bland. Or if anything, I'll go to one of the airport restaurants for breakfast, so you can get an actual cooked breakfast, but not, you can't do... And the real savages are the people that bring the bags of fast food on the flight, you fucking asshole. On the 7 a.m. I know. You can smell fast food.

You're like, dude, you're going to eat that on this flight? Well, it smells like farts too, because it's an egg sandwich from McDonald's. Farts, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, real assholes. Why is it something good? Like, you know, those mashies, the hashbrowns? Yeah.

Then I'll be like, fuck, I want those, you know. Anyway, I thought that was just a real testament to my talent as a beer traveler that I could tell you what you had for dinner the night before. It was impressive. I'll give you that. Thank you. I'll give you that. I hate you in a lot of ways, but that was impressive.

I'm listening right now. I don't realize that they missed a burp that you did, because it's cut out of the show now, but when you burp during our goddamn ads, I have to cut it out. And I'm sorry. Does that make you feel better? A little bit. Yeah, that was a good start. You know what it is?

Here's what needs to happen. You need to have a nap today. You need to eat nice things, and you need your balls milk, because you're a little intense, and it's because your balls are full. Yeah. It's true. You're all fired up, because we haven't done it yet. You just got home.

I had to go to the lady doctor this morning, so we couldn't bang it out yesterday, and now you're all backed up, and you're angry as fuck. And I know. All right. Does that make you feel better? Sure. I like you more. Okay.

Yeah. I love you, Tom. I love you, too. I want to talk a little bit about when we'll see the steroid guy. Yeah. I haven't seen all these yet. I want to see what he talks about. Is it such a bad thing that your balls are dying?

That's a great idea. It is something I've never considered. I don't know. Does it suck to have your, does it suck to have your balls shrink? I don't know. I know. It's kind of, you've never actually heard that, are you? I've never heard that, are you?

I've never heard that, are you? Like, what's so wrong with that? Yeah. Visually and aesthetically. Which is the same thing. Looking at, would you prefer to see a dick hanging lower than the balls or fucking balls hanging lower than the dick? Dick hanging lower than the balls.

Look at that voice. Whoa. Whoa. I want to see her dick and balls. Yeah. Exactly. Her dick hangs lower than her balls. You look at her and you're like, okay.

And she goes, dick hanging lower than the balls. Your dicks are hanging lower than the balls. Wow. Because you see for our listeners, you know, a woman with a lot of cleavage showing, clearly into fitness as well. But she got them hard titties, like when the titties not titties no more, it's just a hard muscle. Yeah.

She's got the pecs. Yeah. He has completely unnatural. This dude looks like somebody drew him. You know, like, like, it's like a sketch of a muscular person. It's comical. It's ridiculous. So she, well, how do you feel about that question?

Uh, I mean, I don't, I think it's okay. Like on either end, it's too extreme. If it's, it's gotta be one of the other. If the balls are too small. Cause I don't, I don't know. What about his question? I'd rather see balls hanging lower than the dick or dick hanging lower than the balls. It's nothing I've thought about.

Think about it now. In life, you know, I don't give a fuck. Is that enough of an answer? Like, yeah, that's a legit answer. You know why? Because they all come in different shapes and flavors and sizes. Flavors. I care more about the taste, right?

Flavors. Jesus. Well, cause when men get older, don't the nuts kind of hang lower than the dick anyway. You've been seeing balls hanging lower than the dick for the last 11 years. What I was saying is when you're alone, see, I don't, I don't think about it, but when you watch on your online, on red tube and you're Googling like, but you don't see the diggable together. Um, but even you don't see the lake cause they're usually inside of somebody.

Like I don't know, but it starts out like when they, they do the unzip, right? And the girl's like, ooh, and he's like, yeah, bitch. Yeah. Like that part, those big old thongs hang below the balls, right? See, I don't notice that to me, balls are like an afterthought. They're really for, at least for me, they're just not part of the primary. They're just in the background, dude. Like I don't even consider them really.

Well, I would say that I've seen you consider mine. So I feel like you're not being totally honest because we're married. I don't do that for everybody. Jesus. If somebody was asked me to describe you, I'd say, well, she's a ball aficionado. You consider the balls when you're married because that's, but you're always like, well, because we're married and I got to keep an interesting, but for every other guy that I've been with, who cares?

All right. I don't care. Here we go. Of course you would rather see a dick hang lower than the balls. Now some guys are blessed and have big fucking dicks and some guys are fucked and have little motherfucking dicks. So the guys that have balls and hang down lower than their dick, I would think they would want their fucking balls to shrink.

This guy's a genius. Yeah. This guy is pretty cool. But you know what I love to, and I really want my balls to shrink to hold on. I love these guys that are super aggressive, like whatever it takes. Like that. It's so dumb. Like I really whatever it takes, huh?

That's a real Jim rat attitude. It's about like I work out all fucking time. I get it. Yeah. I never stop. Sorry. So what did you just say though? I'm sorry.

I don't know what I just said. The dick and the... He said it, babe. I didn't say it. But you said you're not sure if you want the dick to be lower or lower. No, I said I don't want my balls to shrink. Yeah. I think it's not healthy.

I mean, no. Why would I want them to shrink? I think it's not good for you. I think it doesn't decrease your testosterone. No, what happens is you have such a, I think a jump in testosterone that you're your body's natural testosterone output decreases, right? Because you're pumping yourself with unnatural amounts. Your natural production of testosterone goes like, oh, this is way too much inside of me

goes down. So you test the strength too. That's terrible. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, look, that's a, you know, price you pay for looking totally insane. Looking so awesome and perfect with this guy. Jesus.

Because this isn't healthy. The veins and the chest and the shoulders to me personally, and this is just me personally. This never looks. It doesn't look good. Just being normal. This guy's in a lot of pain though. You can tell. Of course.

I mean, of course. This is the same as seeing like a 500 pound person, you know, you go like, oh, that person's in a lot of pain. Of course. Yeah. I mean, and you could tell a lot too. Like the voice is a voice of pain. Yeah.

The Danny Bonaducci. Yeah. Hard living. That black, the unnatural hair, his hair, um, yeah, like the tattoos that are just running all over it. Like nothing about this guy is balanced because honestly having balls hanging down below your dick is not the best look and it only makes your dick look even smaller than it is. So you just heard it from a hot girl and I guarantee every fucking girl out there is

going to say the same fucking thing, they'd rather see the dick hanging lower than the ball. Here's what I do love about this guy. Everybody in this world, you always make, you have to live with your situation and you have to make your situation right in your mind at least acceptable or you end up hating everything. Right. So this guy obviously, he hates that his balls are shrunk or small, but he's telling

the story of no, right? It's awesome. Yeah. He's seen her at the gym. Look at the way she looks at him with like pity. You can see in her face. Yes. Like, oh, like it's like a troubled Kevin's got problems.

Yeah. Of course. And he was like, what do I say? Would you want the cock or the balls small and she's like, okay, the dick hanging. And now it's like his, his story that he wants to believe he's putting it out there. He doesn't believe what he's even selling. Yeah. I agree.

I'm talking by making every fucking girl out there once small balls like, no, they don't do. No, you know, no, no, I can't, you know, now that I do think about it, I think a nice pair of big slobbers like goat nuts. It's a sign of male virility. You want a guy with low hangers with low hanging fruit because that means he's been around. He can, he's fertile. Yeah.

He's got pumped loads. That's what you want. And you love that ball slap. You're always like, slap those balls against me. Right. Yeah. I forgot about that part. You're always like, give me that ball.

Have I said that before? Yeah. Cause he got tiny little marbles. You can't do that. He can't do that. I got big old hangers on me. You do. You know, God didn't give me a real great cock, but he gave me the balls to make up for it.

That's true. That's not true. Now, but your dad's got, oh my God, you got to do my dad's balls again. I have. Yeah. But I want you to actually hold them this time. No. Do you think he'd let me?

No. But I think if I was like, you got a showcase in your roles, he'd be like, tell me, okay. Yeah. I think so too. He would show me. We could not tell your mom. No, but I would want him to bend over so you can see him from behind. That's the angle.

How have you seen them from behind? Because I've seen them change. You know, like I've been in the room when he's like putting on underwear and I'm like, oh my God. He's like, what? It's the worst view anybody. He's like, what are you doing? I'm like, look at your balls.

Your balls hang so low. Very few men look good from that angle, by the way. Even if you're super fit, like a, even a really fit guy bent over and you see the balls hanging. We'll talk about them when they're, you know, when they come. It's not sexy. Hopefully we'll do a segment on his balls. What does your mother feel?

That's what I want to get into. No, no. That'll be a new thing. Cause I think what we can try to do is just speak to them for a half an hour or just talk about farts, shits and balls until she really loses her mind. She really has a low tolerance. Very low. Now she'll stay on the line a little longer if I'm involved.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like cause then she'll, but I'm going to put them right here. Yeah. I think that's the way to do it. He's going to work out. Peace.

Peace. Do you know any girls out there that get turned on by a fucking pair of balls? No. No. Okay. So having the ball streak, maybe 20 to 30. What? He's got, he's so.

How much? Probably a percent. I think a percent. Can I tell you though, it would be more weird to me to see a man with tiny shrunken nuts. Of course. Then nice hangers. Then, you know, You could tell you so was like, look, you can work out here for a month for free.

You just do my cock and ball video because it's clear. Clearly she's coached into saying whatever. Yeah. Or she just takes pity. I think that is a pity face. Do you know anybody that likes small balls? The big balls? No.

Oh, okay. I've talked to girls that say they like balls. Yeah. I mean, I'm sure there's something for everyone. They're on their face. They want to drag balls. Who's been telling you that? A couple of chicks.

I know. Couple of girls. What girls? You don't know any girls besides your sisters. Maria. I'm sure it's like, I mean, I fucking love balls. Like that whole thing. Oh, yeah.

Such an animal. She's such an animal. I fucking love balls. I love balls. I don't mind balls. It's just it's it's neither here nor there. Yeah. It's a non issue for me.

It's like a good fucking thing. In fact, I'm on the salad. You know, who cares? I can eat salad with or without the crouton. He's dead. Maybe 20 to 30 percent is probably a good fucking thing. In fact, not probably. It is a good fucking thing.

The higher your balls are, the bigger your fucking dick looks. He's really into this. He's really selling it. Yeah. But there's guys out there that are like, yeah, I'm on board. I'm on board. Make my dick look bigger. But they have to.

If you're a, if they're a juice head like this, you got to start being like, hey, it's a good thing to have. You know, you find the positive. Find the rainbow. Yeah. Life gives you lemon and you got eight. Get fucked up on the weekends. Yeah. I'm just telling you, I tell shit how the fuck it is.

And my opinion is I would rather have my balls shrink 20 to 30 percent and my balls have shrunk 20 to 30 percent. So my dick looks even bigger than it did. So what the fuck is the problem here? Right? Yeah. That was the best laugh I've ever heard. Right? I don't hear it.

Right? The problem here. Right? Yikes. Oh boy. What's the 5 percent? Oh boy. What's the 5 percent?

The problem here. Right? God. What a fucking lunatic this guy is. She doesn't want to be in the video. Yeah. She's like, are you trying to get me? Cause I feel like there's also, he asked her to do this video to see if like talking about his dick and balls would entice her.

Maybe. I think she's like. Yeah. She's like a nice girl that works there. Yeah. Yeah. She's like the front desk girl who checks people in. Yeah.

But she works out for free there. Yeah. And he's like, you want to see this dick and balls? Yeah. No. Yeah. He's always fucked too by the way for her. What's that?

Nothing. Just checking. Ovails coming in. Ovails. So. Oh, that's neat. So we went for breakfast this morning. Yeah.

And which is nice cause we haven't seen each other in days. I know. And I wanted to catch up with you and hear about Cincinnati and we got our meals. We had our breakfast and then you ate yours in about 30 seconds and then I ate mine at a normal human pace. So I'm halfway through mine and you're done eating and you're like, I got to go to the bathroom, which is what you do to me 90% of the time. So I got half a plate of food.

That's normal. And now I'm sitting at the fucking restaurant all alone eating my breakfast. Well, you take a shit at the restaurant for 10, 15 minutes. And you, by the way, you didn't tell me you had to shit. You were just like, I got to go to the bathroom. Yeah. That's what happens. That's what happens.

What's wrong with that? Cause it takes the fun out of going to a restaurant. We were almost done. No, we weren't almost done. Yes, we were. We were halfway done with my meal. You were more than halfway done. I was not.

I needed someone to sit there and talk to me. No. You were, you were more than halfway done. All right. What are you doing? I'm doing something. Jesus. This is like what I get asked every two seconds.

Because we're doing a show right now. It's for a reason. Obviously it's for the show. Okay. Jesus. What? Is it a special calling? You can keep talking, babe.

Oh my God. But you're the only person I'm supposed to be talking to. But I can still handle the conversation with you. Oh God. I can still do this. This is our marriage. 20 years from now. I can't take my wife's meal.

I wasn't fucking gone. First of all, I was gone two minutes and you make it a big deal. It wasn't two minutes. It was like 15. No, it wasn't 15. But if I wanted to have breakfast alone, I would have gone alone. But you didn't have breakfast alone. Half of my breakfast alone.

It was not half of your breakfast. It was. You're such a liar. You lie. You lie for a living. Oh my God. This is a crazy amount of lies. Seriously.

Okay. And then... Really? Yeah. How was your shit, though? You didn't even talk. It was awesome. It only took a few minutes.

I was back right away. It wasn't alone. How was your IBS? How was it on the trip? It was not bad. A little bit of a little bit of mud, a little sludge, but other than that was fine. What caused it? I'm putting off the tests that he wanted me to do because I'm doing that food allergy

test. Okay. See how that goes first. When's that happening? Tomorrow. Oh, okay. Good. So we'll have some news for people.

Yeah. Next week. Yeah. Yeah. Hopefully. Okay. Pretty good. I think I have a food allergy.

What are you allergic to? I don't know. I'm too dumb to know, but that's why I'm going. Yeah. Yeah. All right. We'll see. I'm excited to find out.

Yeah. You always lie and you always exaggerate about like how long I was gone and how crazy it is that I was gone. So ridiculous. You're always like, oh my God, I had this whole meal alone. I said half the meal, half the meal, half of it. What would you prefer I do in that situation? Hold it in.

I had to go. But here's the thing with you is that you can hold in the dump for a long time. We've been on road trips together where you're like, I got to take a shit. But you have to know that if I decide I got to go, it's because I got to go. So you've been holding it in already for like half an hour, is what you're saying? Because you can't hold it a long time. Yeah. I have to go when I go.

That's the whole point. I have to go. You don't get it? I got to go. You got it? So what'd you hit? You hit something. Yeah.

What'd you do? You ruined something. I just hit this while you were dummy. You ruined something. What'd you ruin? I hate you the most. Fuck. It's hot.

It's hot. I need it to be less hot right now. Okay. It's horrible. I did news show again this week in Shitsunati. That was really fun. This is like the difference between the good ones and the not so good ones. I figured out isn't me.

It's them. It's when they're game for it. And these people were like in such a good mood for this. Good. I walk in, I had diamond earrings in, and they were like, hey, like they were just jazzed for it, you know. Okay. Let me see if you can.

Oh, you know, even on their own, they put this up on the Chiron. No. Look at that. They didn't on their own. Look at that. Put that up on the Chiron. Look at that. I saw that on Instagram.

I did. It says Tom Segura and then quotations, the water champion. Did, what did they say when you told them to put that up? Okay. They're just like, whatever. Yeah. That's so funny. Yeah.

Wouldn't be a good idea. You talked about consuming a lot of H2O. Yeah. You want to talk about water Olympics? Well, the water championships, I actually won. I'm the current water champion. Southern California, they have these competitions. I drank two and a half gallons in six hours.

You're so stupid. And I'm just very proud of it, you know. Oddly enough, my wife also competed. She came in last place because she drank, you ever seen a Yorkie drink water? And they go like, that's my wife. That's how she drinks? Yeah. That's how my wife drinks.

Just sipping. Just sipping. Yeah. That was great. That's so funny because that's why some guys, I get it now because on Instagram, I posted photos of me drinking water and this, and people were like, those are Yorkie sips. And I was like, oh, that's so funny. What a funny thing to say to me.

Well, now I see the origin of the Yorkie sips. Yep. It was really funny. Oh man. Interesting. Why don't you check your email? I'm about to send you something. Oh boy.

What the fuck did he do now? What if fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck who? I don't know. Let me see if I have any audio to combat what you're about to do. Oh yeah, I do. I hear it here. You don't even know what I'm going to do. What about this though?

This was also from the interview. You got to watch. Bart Kreisler. Tell me about Bart Kreisler. He's so fat. Bart Kreisler. He's a really fat, comedic friend of mine. And we're having like a, who is fatter thing going on and he's, he's like so much fatter.

Yeah. So I tell them the, the big news. Yeah. Which is that I talked to Bart and. And now it's Bart Kreisler. Oh boy. I talked to Bart and now we are doing it. This comes on sale today.

It's the bird is fat shirt. The hashtag bird is fat. We've, normally we wouldn't sell a shirt so close to the release of another shirt. You know, we spread it out. But this is special. This is really special. We did lower the price because we wanted people to get a little bit of a price break on it, but it's still super high quality.

It's a, what is it called a water based ink, smooth feel. And then, you know, it's really about picking teams. It's like what I was saying to this, to this lady. It's about picking a team. It's like, you know, to be fair. Twilight. Yeah. We also made a Thomas fat shirt.

Bart's been a good support about it. So we figured, and I, you know, I get some of his, I get his seven fans will message me sometimes and be like, no, you're a fat and then you seven thousand will hit him up. But here's what it's about. We're splitting the costs. We're splitting everything in it. It's really about which team are you on? It is team Jacob and team Edward.

Yeah. If your team's home, get a bird is fat shirt. Right. If you're his side, you get a Thomas fat shirt. They're going to be on my site at Tomcigura.com free shipping in the, in the domestic U.S. And where I'm just hoping to, in the end, to show him numbers wise, who has more support? Hands down. He's fatter.

Yeah. So much fatter. He thinks he can rally his troops. There's like 10 troops. Yeah. There's no troops. I know. So he doesn't have mommy power behind him.

Yeah. He was like, he was like, whatever. I have a normal podcast. Yeah. Yeah, you do. It's fucking normal. Oh my God. I'm sweating.

So stupid. Yeah. Yeah. Tom is so much fatter than me. His fans write the dumbest tweets to our fans. Yeah. Super funny. Creative.

Like they're like comedy writers and his fans are like, fuck you, man. Yeah. Yeah. Good one. Not too smart. No. Our listeners are smart. Well, his listeners are have his same fucking like mentality.

Yeah. It's not kind of pretty baseline. Yeah. Stuff, you know. I had another one again. Oh, I predict the bird is fat shirts will be sold through the roof. We're going to sell like two Thomas Fats. I want it to like absolutely.

I want the numbers to just, I want it to be a landslide, like a massacre. Of course. Like I want to start with like, dude, actually, you know what? There was actually substantial Thomas Fats shirts. So, you know, it was like, like 65 or something. He's like, see, I told you. And then we sold 800 bird is fat shirts. And then I hope people start wearing bird is fat shirts to bird shows to my shows.

For sure. Yeah. Yeah. The best thing would him to look out and see a sea of bird shirts as he's performing shirtless in clubs because he does his whole set shirtless. Then he looks like, wait, is he bird is fat? Anyways, okay. It's very exciting.

It is very exciting. It's very exciting. I'm very much check your email. Okay. Let's see. What did you send me? Okay. For Christina, this says.

I'm sorry. It's interesting. Okay. We've compiled some images over the years here. You may want to look at the overwhelming evidence. Now. What the fuck is this blue band here was kind enough to compile these evidence. More evidence against you being the water champ.

Number one, you'll notice that is a full. We'll tell people listening. Bottle of water. So this is still of your special completely normal on Netflix. And if you look at the bottom time code here, it's the very end of your special. And you've got a completely full bottle of water on stage with you. It's like water. It looks full to me.

Actually, I don't know how anybody could be able to. I can see it. Just fine. The way the light hits it. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. I'm gonna mass admit.

For your consideration. Okay. But that is one full bottle of water. So you just have it there. So people think you hydrate. Okay. It's prop water. Like it always is with you.

All show. No drinking. You never drink it. You never take one sip in that special. Okay. Let's look at the other evidence, your honor, please. Okay. One second.

One second. I'm gonna go quick. It's really dark image, no? It is. Let me see. Does this play? Tell me about Bart Kreisler. Okay.

Sorry. Sorry. Just making sure that was here. Can we please? Bart Kreisler. Sorry. Sorry. Tell me about Bart Kreisler.

He's so fat. He's fat. Okay. All right. Now this is your next bit of evidence here. Yes. Here we go. It's curious how you're messing this up.

No, I'm not. Okay. And this is your other special mostly stories. You're ridiculous. This is fucking ridiculous. And if you'll notice, we're at the very end of the special here. And the time code, it's at the end, you can see. And there's yet another full water bottle.

And that's at the very end. Look, you took a like maybe like, like you would say a Yorkie sip. And then the rest of it's totally full. And we're at the end of the special. Okay. And again, more stunt water, all talk, no hydration. If you ask anybody listening now that was at the Saturday late show, let's say. Okay.

Let's ask them how the, how the set ended. Cause I'll tell you what happened. I did a show at the end when the show was over, I pounded a bottle of water for everybody and they celebrate. You didn't do that on mostly stories. I did. Off camera. I did off camera.

Didn't make the special. Never hydrate off camera. We all know this. Yeah, I did. Okay. Next piece of evidence, please. Yana. God.

I was at the comedy store this Saturday and I hydrated while I was on stage. Mommies were in the audience. Again, allow this evidence here. You have a full glass of, this is you on stage. Is this in Austin? No, it's in Sacramento. Sacramento. And you've got a full glass, a pint glass of water with a little slice of lemon.

Yep. We had this listener submit this as evidence. You didn't touch that water the whole time. Anyways. Okay. A lot of water, no drinking. And there we go. This one's the most compelling evidence.

Beginning of the set. Beginning of the set. How would you know that? How would you even... What is she doing? What is she doing? She's in disbelief. This is you.

This is from me and Irvine. In Sperm Vine. Yes. And Tom is closing out a set. No. There's a pint glass of water and the... Interpreter. Because there's a sign language interpreter there.

She's eyeballing the water. You've drawn a line from her to make it look like she's looking at the water. Blue man did that. Like, wow, I've never seen that much water. Exactly. That's so stupid. Exactly. Look how long this man's been talking without taking a sip of water.

You need to stop doing this shit. Nobody... She's in disbelief. So why does that play? He's so fat. He... That's so ridiculous. That's ridiculous.

That's not accurate. Nothing that you did with it. And also there have been reports. My reports indicate that while on the road performing to you hydrate with club soda, with soda water, which isn't the same as water because there's sodium and it actually dehydrates you. Well, my sources say that you drink soda water. Never. You can ask anybody, hey, if you were at the Liberty Township shows this weekend, people

were seeing me drinking bottles of water. People were like, you're the fucking water champ. People were yelling it out, man. Okay. Yeah. You know what? I've been having, and I'm sorry to admit this guy's number ones and number twos the last couple of days.

What? Yeah. I just not... I haven't been eating well. I've been taking a lot of like these new vitamins. Vitamins. I think it's the vitamins. The vitamins.

Yeah. And water? I haven't been drinking as much water. There you go. You got it. Yeah. You got to fucking soften that stool up. That's episode 274 of your mom's house at the hour and 20 minute mark where defendant

admits she does not consume the H2O that she claims she does. No. First of all, that was an isolated incident. It sounded as if I was sick, something was going on. If we could contextualize that properly, that would be great. You know what? The other thing we can contextualize? We have a new logo.

Yeah. Here's the new logo for the show. Ding dong. New logo for your mom's house. Here it is. You're looking at it. That's the logo. It's me.

Stupid. And it just says Tom, the water champion. And that's the new mom's house logo. Stupid. It's dumb. There you go. You look good with those dumb earrings, actually. I know.

I guess if on the last Patreon show, nobody said... I thought they were going to be like, ha, ha, and they're all like, what's happening? Yeah. It kind of suits you. Well, that outfit is like... It's just part of that outfit, right? Yeah. There's a black shirt with gold lion on it, that hat, those sunglasses.

Nobody even gives me shit about wearing sunglasses at these things. I know. I thought that someone would be like, are you serious? You're such an asshole. No, I thought it. I was like, what a jerky move. Of course. That is an asshole move.

You're not supposed to do that. But I think at these shows, when you walk in like this, they think that's your real... That's the real deal. He's a comedian, so you can get away with it. But I don't think they think I'm being funny. You know what I mean? I think they're like, oh, that's how that guy rules. DJ Dad Mountain.

Where's your water right now? I'm thirsty right now. Interesting. Please. Please, I'm thirsty. What's the next thing we have? Please. Come on, I have it.

Give me the fucking water. I'm thirsty. Oh, interesting. Why don't you have the water? Because I asked you to bring it and you wouldn't fucking bring it. You know what I have for you? What? Because I love you.

I have backup liqueurs in the tiny fridge under the desk. Just for you. Backup hydrations. Why? Because I'm the real water champ. Who gives a shit about hydrating. It's really hot in here. It's really hot in here.

Is it cold? Yeah. Thank you. What flavor? That's a good one. Yeah. Yeah. It's been a long time since I've had a grapefruit liqueur.

It's not LaCroix. Is it? What is it? LaCroix? LaCroix. They claim it's LaCroix. I don't think so. But then St. Croix.

Right? That place, St. Croix, it's the same. Pamplemousse. Now that's going to start. Yeah. That's why we stopped drinking these on the show. Because. Oh, that's right.

It got really out of control. It was too much. It's so bloopy. I was like, you guys are burping a lot on these LeCroix episodes. So we cut it out. Shit, you're right. Yeah. Oh, well.

It's hot. Can we lower the air? Is Baby Jean still sleeping? I don't know. He can handle it, babe. Okay. It's going to be like 20 minutes of cool air. All right.

Yeah. So Blue Man just reminded me to remind people that ordered double pipe classic shirts that haven't gotten them, that they're all coming out this week. Oh, that's such a good shirt. The reorders. I've been wearing mine. It's very soft. It fits nicely.

It is. And you're sharing something really cool with the world, you know. You've been on this kick, by the way, where you're like, you want to hear really cool fart. I got you've been saying it seriously now. I got you good yesterday too. I go, you want to hear a cool fart and you go, no, and I farted real big. I got you back.

Yeah. Remember I sat on your lap and I farted. You also farted in, in your middle of your sleep last night. I did. Yeah. And it was like, you don't remember that? There's like a three parter. It was like.

And you went, you don't remember that? I don't remember. And then you reached over and you like tapped me and I'm like, babe, you're like pointing it out in your sleep. I don't remember that at all. Yeah. Really? Yes.

Yes. Wow. I feel like I'm the fart champ then. Yeah. Yeah. It was really, it was really nice to be like dead asleep. Oh my gosh. That was you in your sleep.

Oh my gosh. Oopsies. Oh my gosh. There's a lot to go over. There's a, what do you want first? I can't believe I farted in my sleep. I'm so proud of, I'm proud of myself. You want to talk about gender pronouns or what do you want to talk about?

Yeah. We haven't visited that world in a minute. I'm curious to know how are you feeling today? What pronoun are you going by? You said that with so much surface level contempt. Did I? You're like, how are you feeling today? What pronoun do you feel like?

Well, you know. Yeah. But I'm serious. What pronoun are we going by? What are you doing? I'm, um, Ali gender. What's that? Ali gender.

Ali? Yeah. What does that mean? It's new. I, uh, it's like when you incorporate, like, it's like your Arabic. Uh-huh. But you're, you're like a donkey, but you're also like a sexless donkey. Yes.

I know what you're talking about. But you're Arabic. Totally. You're Arab. You're Arab. Sorry. Arab gendered. Hey, everybody.

Welcome back. This week I'm going to be talking to you about some pronouns. Yeah, he's nice. So much preferred pronouns or preferred gender pronouns or PGPs. Um, whatever you call them, pronouns are the things we use to refer to people in the third person that aren't their names. They're also often used as the linguistic representation in people's gender identities. So they're really important, really, really, really important.

What's his pronoun? Well. I'll wait. I said it. Yeah. Shoot. I, I didn't want, I didn't mean to. He might have, I mean, Zim might have, they, yeah, you can go they them.

Yeah. Um, fuck. Yeah. The first and most important rule regarding pronouns is to respect people's pronouns. That's a big thing. Always. There should be no questions. There are no exceptions.

If someone says, this is the pronoun I want you to use to refer to me, that is the pronoun you will use to refer to them. Period. To do otherwise is offensive and invalidating and humiliating and at best awkward. I agree with that. That's me. That's an, that's an honest statement. Right.

Yeah. If you're, like, if you're like, Hey guys, I'm not a she, I'm a Z, Zard. Zard. Zim. Zim. Zae. Zerbert. I'm Zae.

Zerbert's not a thing. It is. A Zerbert. What are you saying? I'm not a Zerbert. You're offending me right now. Oh, I guess. You have to identify me in the way in which I've chosen to be identified.

I see what you're saying. Yeah. I didn't, I actually had never heard Zerbert. I'm a Zerbert gendered. Okay. It's from the, it's the pre-rape Cosby era. Cree. Zerberts.

You ever heard of Zerbert on the Cosby show? Uh-uh. I'm serious. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I remember. Um, okay. So far I'm on board. Rule number two, always ask, don't assume. It's far better to ask if someone's pronoun is just be like, Hey, um, hi, how are you?

What's your name? What's your pronoun? Okay. I don't know that part. Let's be honest. That's a little more than awkward to be like, Hey, what's up? What's your pronoun? No, no, no.

I mean, uh, he's trying to make it seem like that's not a big deal to do that. Yeah. I understand the idea of like, we should all, you should find out the person's pronoun, but it is kind of a weird question. Like it is kind of hard to be like, what, hi, Hey, Tom, nice meeting you. What's your, what's your pronoun? Yeah. It's like saying, Hey, what's up?

What's going on? Can I see your tits real quick? Right. Like that's, are you tits or balls? Yeah. Are they small balls? Yeah. Do you like when you, do you like cocks that hang below balls or balls that hang below

cocks? I guess, but I maybe, you know, I don't know. He's saying it's not a big deal. I think it's a big deal. Yeah. Yeah. Cause I'm a person. I've interacted with people and I know that it's a big deal to be like, Hey, what's

your name? What's that? What's your pronoun? Yeah. I, that girl at the comedy store I thought was non-binary. Yeah. And then, and I was like, Oh, you're non-binary, right? And she looked at me like, go fuck yourself.

Really? Like for me to ask essentially what's your pronoun, she kind of gave me a go fuck yourself. She did? She didn't say it, but her eyes were like, wait, what? She's like, Oh no, I'm not non-binary. My friend's daughter is or whatever. Oh. And I'm like, Oh.

Did she look? She didn't like the pronoun question. Did she look? Non-binary? Yeah. Yeah. She's definitely other gender identified, but I don't know, we know what her pronoun is.

I don't know. See, I feel like it's offensive to ask her. It feels, this guy's thing of like, just always ask is not. Especially as a cisgendered person, I feel as though my cisgendered privilege. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I feel like I'm being a dick.

Hey, what's up? What's your pronoun? Don't assume. Yeah. It's far better to ask if someone's pronoun is, just be like, Hey, how are you? How are you? What's your name? What's your pronoun?

Not a big deal. Hey, I just wanted to confirm. What's your pronoun? It's so much better to put his bird away. Yeah. What gender is the bird though? Is it rude to ask? Blue band, what gender is that bird?

Blue band should be able to tell you by the chirps, but I do think that's a lot to ask man. What's up? Put the bird in the other room. You care about their gender identity and how they present themselves. You care about their pronouns. You respect them enough to ask what their pronoun is. You'd ask about someone's name.

You should ask about their pronoun too. All right. That seems like a lot to do. I think someone should bring it up. That's what I mean. Yes. I think, I think that what you need to ask of somebody is respect people's pronouns, but to be like, start going around asking people's pronouns.

How about you volunteer? Yeah. Especially like if you know people are going to assume that you're one or the other course because then now you're going to be more offended when someone calls you a he and you're not. It's not a lot to ask. Yeah. If you were to walk in and be like, I'm a they them. Hi, my name is Christina.

Please refer to me as they. Yeah. Otherwise, why would anybody assume that you're not going to? You know what I mean? Yeah. Then you can't get offended at people. Maybe he's nice. Maybe he's saying to ask when you think somebody's on the, you know, on the genderline.

The non, the non binary. Yeah, maybe. I didn't hear that in the clip, but maybe that's what he's implying. I don't see that. Yeah. People are really like just pleased when someone asked about them because it can feel very welcoming. Is this Shane Lee's feed?

Especially when you're just newly coming out. You got to watch the audio guys. Worst case someone will be like my pronouns, he, duh. And you're like, okay. Well, cool memories. And it's not. Duh. He's sweet.

So wait, he's saying that he's he? No. He's saying if you ask somebody and they're a he that, you know, they're going to be like, Oh, duh. Are they coming out? Worst case someone will be like my pronouns, he, duh. And you're like, okay, well, cool memories. And it's not a big deal at all.

See, I think it's a big deal still. I think minimizing asking that. What if you really offend somebody by asking them? Listen, the world is too complicated for me now with all these new genders. I don't know what to do. Yeah. I think, I think you can really. The guide, the guide is, is it's making it more complicated.

I don't know. Yeah. There are a lot of pronouns out there. Like a huge amount. Yeah. Let's get more. I want more slowly and slowly adding more. So the two most common are he and she, he has, is traditionally considered a male

pronoun traditionally considered a female pronoun. Right. However, it's important to note that some people use he or she, but do not identify as male or female. Now you're really fucking people up. Oh man. Come on. So now not only do you have to say like, all right, whatever gender you are is fine.

You might like he. Don't fucking think that makes me a male gender. A male. Fuck. Come on. So now we have to ask, what do you prefer? And then what really are you under that preference? Oh, it's so much work now.

Just to note people. The two most common ones are he and she. He has, is traditionally considered a male pronoun. And she is traditionally considered a female pronoun. Right. However, it's important to note that some people use he or she, but do not identify as male or female. So they're assholes.

Just so you know. Well, then they should identify with the pronoun. If someone says male. You know what I mean? Make life easy for everybody. Just identify with the fucking pronoun. Of course. You can't just assume that they're male or, you know, if they say she, you can't assume

that they're male. So if you were to say like, I prefer, I prefer like masculine pronouns or male pronouns. It's sort of implying that everyone else who uses he uses, you know, is male or that like everyone else would identify as male uses he, which is not also not necessarily the case. So it's better to just say, I prefer he be done with it. How about I just don't mean any new people ever because in 2016 it is a complicated thing to meet a new person.

How about no, no new anyone. I'm going to start saying I like he, him as my preferred pronoun, but I'm not necessarily male to people when they meet me. I wish you could explain this to your dad. That's a great one to bring. Yeah, let's do that. Actually, let's play these flip for him. What?

That's what we're going to hear a lot from him. What? Yeah, play that for your dad. I don't really understand what he is. Okay. Boy, this is real new stuff to me, buddy. Yeah. Now.

So then there are also gender neutral pronouns. Gender neutral pronouns can be used for anybody of any gender and they have no gendered meanings attached to them at all, which is super cool. And there are so many of them. The most commonly used is they. They are traditionally plural, but we already use it in a singular form to like maintain people's anonymity. Or like if you just don't know what their gender is, you'll be like, oh, I was talking

to a student and they told me blah, blah, blah. Totally normal. Yeah. So you can use it for specific people as well. And a lot of people prefer they. That's on my Twitter bio. Right. You're one of those people that prefer they now.

I like they then. How's that working out for you? Great. Are people respecting your pronouns? Mostly. What? I think you really should. It'd be really funny if you insisted that like your agent, your manager call you Dave.

You think they would respect that? You think they would? How do you institute this with? Next most common. Hold on. See. See. Can be spelled a bunch of different ways.

Decline. This is what I'm saying. Like, okay, I get this in theory and I understand it as a theory. How do you institute a new pronoun policy in your personal life? Videos like this. Keep putting videos out. Guys. It's Z for me.

To your employer. Remember Dakota? Who was like, oh my God. It is and not a preference is a requirement. If you want to deal with me. Yeah. I'm just explaining it to your family, your friends, your Twitter. Like it's overwhelming.

I think there's also this total bullshit pushback on and anybody again who questions or or makes jokes about this. They're like, you don't fucking get the LGBT community. You know, like they. Well, actually I've been talking to LGBT community people and it's LGBTQ now. Right. And a lot of the people I've talked to don't. I don't.

It's different. Like they think that this stuff is kind of out there. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. They're not really on board. Right. Cause like they might be like, you know, I'm a gay.

Different than sexual orientation. Yeah. Of course. So that's not the same. You guys. We got to be respectful. You know, Jesus Christ. So too many things.

Too many things. You're selling my dad. I feel like I'm a fucking world we live in now. It's like the clenching like, so like he, him, his, and then Z. I got a fucking headache already. You're here. Z. Right.

Zim. It's like German. Sir. Yeah. Yeah. They're a lot. They're a lot of options in Z. What?

So someone says I prefer Z. Ask them what's spelling and if they can use it in a sentence. No, I'm not. And that shows how much you care that you want to get their pronouns right. So that's, that's a good. What if you don't want to get them right? I'm too tired to get your pronouns right. I haven't seen a M air like, like they, but without the th.

Um, I've also seen dawn combination of that one. Fuck. Yes. Um, or huge or for human or, or person or V or G or yo or ah, there's so many options. It's so fascinating. Yeah. I'm not sure that's the word I choose. Yeah.

It's such a burden. To put on other people. It's exhausting. It's exhausting. Yeah. So respect those pronouns. Ask about them. If you're not sure.

Okay. Always a good idea. Um, there's so much more to talk about with pronouns, but I just don't want to talk for everything else. Yeah. No, we feel the same way. So he's sweet. I think he's a sweet guy.

But really cute. Shit, man. After that, I'm sorry. I was disrespectful. I didn't ask his pronoun. I don't even know. Yeah. Their owner.

Yeah. I think we could probably get into something like this. This feels better. Ah, cleanse the palate. This is somebody that claims to have the longest part recorded. Recorded. Recorded. A lot of people have seen this video and feel like it's exhausted.

You know. Manipulated. Well, also plays for my mother. What do you think she'll say during this one? This video, the audio is great, but the visuals better. Yeah. This is one you got to get on the YouTube to see guys. We should tell her this is Brian.

She might believe it. Hey, was it Brian did? It's too small. How would you doctor this? It sounds pretty real. I know. There's room tone. He knows how to edit.

There's some room tone there. Yeah. Sounds authentic. We're 40 seconds into this fucking part right now. And then when he breathes too, it changes the tone of the part. Wow. It is interesting. But there's fluctuations and pressure.

You can't fake that. Now, how come he's hiding his face? I'd be proud if I was. He doesn't feel like you. You know why he's not a Cincinnati fighter like me. Do you realize we are just over a month away from the anniversary? I know. It's a big deal.

By the way, this weekend, a lot of people were asking and, you know, I had a press schedule. I had to see family. I wasn't able to go down there. But the blue band went and visited the, what's it, what do you call it? Yeah, round zero. You went to the Renaissance. Yeah. How was it?

It was better than I expected. Wow. Really? Yeah. I mean, you were able to like do some stuff that we'll see a little bit later. Yeah. Like I want to go into details, but I also don't want to give away the surprise. Okay.

Okay. But we'll have some stuff to show at some point. Yeah. Amazing stuff ahead. Wow. I can't wait. What a claim. Yeah.

Well, this guy's far. It's pretty impressive. He's at a minute and five. I can see is the final. Yeah. What do you think your tally was? You know, I'll be honest. I'm going to give it realistically.

Yeah. 20 seconds. Yeah. Do you feel that's an accurate representation? Yeah, that's a long fart. And it was long, but that's why it's the Cincinnati fart. It's not your everyday fart. It's a fart that goes down in history.

Yeah. It's a fart you tell your children's children's children. And I'll tell you something. People know more than you might imagine about it. Really? Yes. What does that mean? It's very cryptic.

It's not as big a mystery. It's not as hidden as you think it's not just on the show. Really? It's people in Cincinnati know. You mean the word, the smell of spread, if you will? Locals know best. Wow. That's what I'll say.

Wow. I'm curious to hear this audio and I look forward to it. Blue band. It'll happen. It'll happen. Wow. Wow. This is still going.

Yeah. It's a minute right now. A minute. It's a long time. See, now I think it is doctor. Wow, he gave a little magic man at the end. What do you think it smells like in that room right now? Honestly, I think those kinds with the sound, it doesn't have the same smell.

If it's got a lot of sound, then there's not a lot of heat and not a lot of smell. But sometimes there's real powerful short ones, not a minute long that smell. That was all for show. Yeah. Yeah. That guy's impressive, right? Yeah. Yeah.

Oh yeah. That's good work. Yeah. This one of the things I was excited about when I saw this clip come in, let me see if I know. I had a fart when you were gone. I had an Amy's frozen dinner, which was a big mistake. And then I had some ranch flavored kale chips on top of it.

Bad idea. Yeah. Bad idea. I laid in bed and I farted and it was like, you have a fart and the smell is so foreign to you. You're like, dude, I've never even made a smell like that before. Yeah. That's what it felt like.

It was like someone else's fart, it wasn't even mine. Farts are really a trip. Sometimes when you travel, you have this where you take a shit and you're like, is somebody shitting between my legs? I don't know right now. Right. Is someone else farting in bed with me? Yeah.

Because this fart doesn't smell like my own brand. Yeah. Those are, those really kind of scare you a little. Yeah. To me they do. Like when it upsets you. Yes. Yes.

Because you're not supposed to be upset by your own. That's the whole point of the joy of farting, but it doesn't upset you. There's a, the reason for that is not just because it's not that, that it's yours. It's that your brain alerts you that this isn't going to smell good. And when you're, when that happens, the way you process the smell is different versus like if you walk in and a surprise one. Interesting. Yeah.

Because your brain tells you it's going to smell bad. It's a reward. Yeah. And then when it comes true, you're validating. Yeah. You're like, oh yeah, it doesn't smell good. I see. That's so interesting.

Yeah. So the worst it smells, the writer you are, like the more correct your brain is and that's why you get a high. Wow. What a neat science, a scientific episode for our listeners. Pretty neat. Pretty neat, man. We're always trying to teach you stuff on the show.

It starts with education. You want to hear, this one I thought you would really enjoy. You've actually seen this guy before, but never on, never this clip. Everyone is wired their own way. And some people are wired towards blondes, brunettes, big women, skinny women, various ethnicities. Ethnicities. I'm not sure that's the word, sir.

Z. It's not. Zers. Ethnicities. Zerberts. Ethnicities. Ethnicities. I'm wired.

Ethnicities. I'm wired towards older women. Oh boy. Here we go. Babyface. Kyle Jones has never dated a woman his own age, preferring relationships with ladies. Oh, God. Open mouth.

Open mouth. Oh, God. This lady. How old do you think she is? A thousand. She's really old. She looks like she's 90. She looks really.

Her mouth is fully open. His tongue. Oh. That's got like a lizard tongue. It looks like he's trying to save her life right now. Like it looks like CPR. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh. Right. The 31 year old who lives in Pittsburgh. Oh, my God. Regularly romances. Grandma's in the 70s, 80s, and even 90s. 90s.

90s, dude. Oh, bro. I mean, I'm all about everybody getting some, but that's. Makes it. You're not 90. Come on. Yeah. Makes his dick hard, babe.

I know his dick that hangs below his balls or his balls that hang below his dick. When I first met Cal, quite thrilled. It's very flattering to have the right change. Oh, 91. She was. She was. And he was very nice. Yeah.

I sometimes I feel like he's another son. That's not. Until we hop in bed. I feel different. Yeah. That's kind of not the right analogy or. He's like my son that I fuck. It's kind of gross.

I'm trying to think what it would take for me to fuck this woman. All right. Let's talk about it. Yeah. Let's do it. What could it take? That's what I'm saying. Take is the real.

How do you get it up? Well, I'd have to have a mask on so I can't see her. Like I have to get to put other visuals in front of me. You'd wear the mask or you put a mask on her. No, I would put a virtual reality mask on me so I could see something else. That's totally cheating. And that negates the whole project. I couldn't do it.

I mean, she's got to smell like diarrhea. She's probably, she smells, you know, old and shitty. They all smell. She looks like she smokes, right? You think so? I don't know. Well, she used to smoke. Her teeth look good for 91.

Yeah, they don't look that bad. But she also looks like a guy. Right. You know, like if you just go like, hey, what do you see there? I know you're saying I see like, like a nice old man. Like, yeah, like Dolph Lundgren a little. What? Dolph Lundgren?

Yeah. I'm just thinking of like a guy at a sandwich shop, you know, who's like, you want, you want mustard on that? What do you want? So it looks like to me, it would be really, really something to just say, like, Hey, just go perform. I think if you were just like, don't, if you, if you go abstain for, you know, a month, so you're just real backed up juiced up.

Yeah. And then, and then you just have her like, you go, I'll just close my eyes and. Hey, you know, but her, her baloney doesn't feel the same. Oh my God. It's all loose means. Can you, what do you think her meow is like at that age? Oh my God. I'm being serious.

What happens to me? The driest fucking desert on the planet. It's so bad. It's. And hanging. It's not good. Nothing's good. Do you think they have pubes?

Do old people have pubes? I bet they fall out. Yeah. But there's only a few left. So she's probably like, do you like the bald post spots? It's a lot. She's really, she's 91. So gnarly dude.

I mean, I want to like, you know, bring her a cup of tea or something. She's so frail too. It's, it's not even safe for her. Isn't it? It doesn't feel like it. But while he's unusual tasting women is too extreme for most. Kyle takes a different view. People don't like to think of their parents or grandparents having sex or they just don't

do that. Yes, they do. And so I'm happy with me. I'm gonna throw up. Yeah. Well, I'm glad he exists. He's getting. He's throwing that dick around to a lot of old ladies, which I guess is nice.

Yeah. Well, she's actually really put together for a 91. For 91, she walks. She's not like, hunched over. Nope. She looks like she's in her shape. What's her secret you think? Just getting all this young dick?

Young dicks. Yeah. Young D. There you go. What do you mean? There you go. When you get nice and old, bounce on one of these young Ds. You got it.

From a young age, Kyle realized the pinups which were exciting his friends. Weren't catching his eye. The first time I realized I was into older women, I probably was 12 or 13 years old. He's a really weird addiction. It's funny. The things that they're self-conscious about is what I'm into. I like lines. I like the neck feature.

You know, women worry about their boobs sagging. I think the natural hang looks great. I'm a fan of platinum. I mean, I don't like to say gray. I like to say platinum. I'm a fan of platinum here. I gotta keep this guy's number. Yeah.

How do I get it? What's his last name? I know, right? Just in case. Yeah. You're gonna die before me. Husbands always do. I gotta call up fucking Kyle.

Whatever his name is. He'll be old by then. You gotta find a new Kyle. That's the beauty of the internet, man. There's always some lunatic out there that wants to bang a 90-year-old. Just put your old fucking photo out there. My wrinkly puss puss up there. My bald wrinkly slobber.

And then he ran it. She doesn't talk like that, though. I'm doing impression of you, old. I'm Christine. Take your teeth out. He came in where I work to buy something. I buy something. You work?

I know, okay. He obtained my phone number, gave me his. And then every day he talked to me on the phone until we finally went out. It makes you feel wonderful dating somebody younger than you. Yeah, I'm sure it does. It makes you feel like you're alive again. That's hard to watch. The physical side of our relationship is wonderful.

I am easily self. He amazes me. And I like it. Oh, God, the kissing was the hardest thing to watch with those two. Do you imagine looking at a box? I don't know why I have a picture of how much she smells. I know. No, like the mouth.

It's an old mouth, man. It's an old mouth, yeah. Yeah, it's one of those things like, ha, ha, ha. And you feel the hot air leaving. Old mouths smell really bad. What does her box smell like? Do you imagine? I don't know.

But with no immediate plans to settle down, Carl isn't monogamous and enjoys dating several women at the same time. God bless your soul. He met a 68-year-old great-grandmother Anna two years ago on a dating website. When he first contacted me, I did questions. A nice tattoo, huh? I was twice hit. She's a savage.

We had dinner. I liked them. I felt at ease with them, so I started seeing them. Trailer trash, for sure. That tattoo? Yeah, it doesn't look good when you're 71. No, savage woman. Babe, he's a savage, too.

No, no, she is. She is. No, he's the savage. No, she is. She's a great-grandmother. She's 68. But she needs love, too. Yeah, she's a fucking psycho.

No, he's the psycho. I have encountered people sometimes that are critical of what I do. He's a weird guy. He's a weird guy. I'm a vulture. I'm here after money, here after inheritance. I hear that all the time. It's not true at all.

I do this because I like it, and they like it, too. He's got a lot of vodka. I like it, and they like it, too. It's tough to understand. Yeah. It's tough. I don't know. I mean, this chick, Jesus.

Yeah, it's tough. His mom, Cecilia, fully supports his romantic choices. Though admits it took some getting used to. First time, Kylie brought home a girlfriend. Jesus. They're your mother. She was 22 and she was 50. She's much better looking.

Oh, my God. You just a young woman back then. Yeah, I know. I still feel like they are. Oh, she's like, why are you poking at me, bitch? Well, here's the good news. At least her son is not going to knock up some girl and ruin his life. Right.

It's true. That's the big plus there. Yeah. What can go wrong? You know, actually, this is a win-win for him. These broads do die. Leave him money. It's great.

He's doing a great service for them. Sure. Who's it hurting? Just us to watch him. They could probably die while they're doing it. Yes. Yeah. He's probably going to witness a lot of death.

Yeah. Or have like a lot of people. Imagine if a lot of people you dated died in a certain amount of years. Isn't that sad? Yeah. I'm saying like for him, it can be like, hey, remember last decade when those 30 girls you dated died and someone was like, wait, what? And he's like, oh, I date really old people, but still they all die.

Yes. Within a few years. Well, even I, yeah, I saw a documentary about old people in a retirement community and they talk about how sometimes they don't even want to make new friends because they're going to die. You're going to die. Why bother with a relationship? It's a great outlook on life.

I agree. My whole thing about stop meeting people and I agree and stop loving people. You know what's so funny is like, I think about when you're going to die. Yeah. And I was just saying about that last night how I was like, you know, I don't really, if he dies, I'm not going to try to like go out and find another dude like, fuck it. Like who cares? Who cares if I'm old and wrinkly and fucking fat?

You know, I'm serious. Alone you mean? Yeah. What am I going to do? Find another husband and do all this again? I don't want to do that. No way. Why?

I just fucking, no, just be alone. I mean, it's a nice, it's a fantasy. Obviously I lose myself in a lot, but like the reality of it, you know, like a lot of times I'm like, oh, you fell on the stairs or what happens next week? You know, that kind of thing where I'll be like, oh, you know, you do the funeral and it's like, And you're laughing the whole time. Yeah.

You're on Tinder at the funeral. I always picture too, like, you know, like the day you die, just cleaning out your closet, like throwing everything out. Right. I got all this room now hanging up new shirts and then, yeah. And then like, you know, showing the place to people like, Hey, look at all this space. I got two. Oh, to a new wife.

Yeah. Yeah. Why did you get a new wife to replace me? Well, I think you date right away. I think that they always say, right away. Strike while the iron's hot. Yeah. So like, I'll be like, I'm needy.

Yeah. You know, I think that's enticing. You're a broken bird. Yeah. The broken wing. Someone's going to want to rescue you. Yeah. So I don't know.

I think, I think basically dirt goes on the casket and you go, I'm single. Right. Yeah. That kind of thing. Good for you. Yeah. How's that working for you? We'll see.

How's it working? It's not. We'll see how it's going to work for you when I haunt your house and your dreams. You're fighting on fire with me. Yeah, of course. They'll be like, Hey, Tom. This is fucking bitch in my bed. Yeah.

Yeah. I could see you doing that. Yeah. Of course I will. Keep away from my kid, asshole. Yeah. What? Okay.

I've asked Kylie why he prefers older women. And he told me because the older women are, they're, they're more mature. Yeah. You know, there's somebody you can actually sit down and talk to. No, that's not true. That's what he likes. He's not hurting anybody. I don't think that it's really anybody's business.

Well, let me ask you, what do you think he has in common with a 91 year old? How old is Kyle here? 30 maybe? Something like that. She was born in 1900 and this guy wants to have, you know what I'm saying? She's born in 1912 then. Okay. No.

Why can't you do the math? I guess I don't do math. Too bad. When is she born? She's 91. Let's see. She was born in 1927. Jesus Christ.

So in 1927, they didn't have. 25. Yeah. Did they even have cars back then? Yeah. Yeah. They didn't have cars back then. Yeah.

They didn't have cars back then. Yeah. The Model T, she drove a Model T around. They didn't even have penicillin or soap. Yeah. She's seen the whole world change. That's what I'm saying. This bitch is, they have nothing in common.

Their worlds are so different. She sees lightning. She's like, someone turn the lights on. Look at that. That's how we used to see at night when the storm came. Yeah. Yeah. Totally different worlds.

And he's just sitting there eating that old fucking ass in box. All right. Let's go on to the next topic. Okay. We can't do this anymore. Making out. It's too depressing. The making out's too much to watch.

It's hard to watch. 1927, man. We got a fan mail. Somebody wrote in about the cookie thief last episode. Interesting. Because I still have not cracked the case. Well, here, this might help you. It says, I think the bigger issue of the cookie thief saga is that Christina was hiding two

cookies in her purse with absolutely no intention of sharing either one of them with her family, stopping a selfish asshole Christina. Wow. Wow. And Bravo. Wow. First of all. American repair.

First of all, you do have a good point. I had just gotten those cookies as a gift from Uncle Dave the night before. I didn't even have a chance. We got home late that night. We put the baby jeans to bed and we collapsed into bed. And the next morning that was eight in the morning that I noticed the cookie thief had struck. So there was no time to even share.

So the cookie thief got in there. I don't even know how he knew or she knew I had cookies in there. Yeah. How did the cookie thief know that they were even in there? I don't know. I don't know. And it's always over here. Thank you.

Blue band. You snuck in. His game has real name. Uh-oh. Blue band. Uh-oh. That wasn't enough time for the cookie thief or whatever. I don't know.

But again, it's a real interesting, interesting, interesting thing. I ate the other one. It was real good. Let me see. It was a wedding cookie from Cincinnati. It's some special company, right? It's like a special cookie. Yeah, yeah.

Really good. Here's another bit of fan mail. Hey, mommies, I asked my wife today if she wanted to hear a really funny fart. And she said no. Nope. Then it happened. She said, how did you know it was going to be funny? And I said, all farts are funny.

We laughed and laughed. Thanks for the podcast. Arnie. It's a family show. Oh yeah, I got my double pipe classic in the mail yesterday and love it. You were not lying. It's very soft and comfy for today. Nobody knew what it meant, but I did.

That's the thing. I was asking people at shows in Cincinnati that wore them. I go, is anybody asking you what that is? Cause I want to hear stories of someone being like, Hey, what is that? And someone being like, you know, when you fart and burp at the same time, I want to hear those. It sounds like a really good commercial for it. Yeah.

Hey man, what is a double pipe classic? Well, funny. You should ask him a burp and fart at the same time. Somebody. Oh, listen to this. Yeah. The poop bag pillowcase story that was told in the last episode was also represented, was also referenced in episode 19.

Oh my goodness. The validity of hearing the same brown story twice helps me trust Tommy's poop pile story. Nope. It makes me sad that the runner up to the water champion doesn't believe her main mouth. Oh my God. First of all, I need to start going through these emails.

Hannah, thank you Hannah. Because somebody's selecting them kind of a biased way. It's interesting how the bias is towards everything that's coming in. I'm just passing along. Sure. And he's just selecting the ones to read. Interesting. These are in there.

Intra. Blue band put them in there. Sting. Now, just because one story is accurate, the pillowcase doesn't mean the poop pile is accurate. Poop pile is accurate. It is not. Yeah.

You've changed the details. No, I haven't. Since the last time. When? What did I do? You're the liar. You keep calling me a liar. You're the liar.

What did I do? You came home yesterday and you've got these two marks on your thumbs. Okay. And I go, what happened to your thumbs? I go, what happened to your thumbs? You go, oh yeah. One night, some guy dared me to jump over a parking meter and I couldn't do it. And the payment for not being able to do it was that he got to put two cigarettes out

on my thumbs. Yeah. Yeah. And I knew immediately that you're a lying liar face. Why? Because I have fucking seen cigarette burns from high school. I had dumb friends that would put out cigarettes on their arms and I know what they look like and they take weeks to heal and they puss and it's a really gnarly thing.

Yeah, it was. No. You were only in Cincinnati for like four days, babe. Wednesday night when I got there, I go, this guy goes, I bet you can't jump over this parking meter and I go, yeah, I can. There's so much wrong with the story. And he goes, well, if you can't, I'm going to put these cigarettes out on you twice and I go.

I come in and I slid off the top. I just didn't clear it by like a millimeter and then he put two cigarettes out on me right there. Here's what's wrong with the story. Number one, you've never leapt, jumped or skibb, skibb, but a rinky dinked over a parking meter in your life. You've seen a photo of me doing it when as a joke for a headshot when you were like 20. Yeah.

The photographer made you do it to make you look exciting and interesting because in real life, you would never, never volunteered to do that. It's the gayest thing I've ever done. Of course. You got to find that. It's a horrible photo. It's so stupid and you look so dumb doing it. Yeah.

It's so embarrassing. So first of all, that part of the story I knew immediately was a big lie because you never leap or jump over anything. And number two, I know what a cigarette burn looks like. Well, and number three, he put it out twice on me and it hurt a lot. It did not hurt a lot. Yeah. The cat house was there.

So? He saw it. Well, let's, let's ask him then to verify your story. Let's see if we can get him on the phone. Okay. Let's see. I know you're lying. Just like you're lying about the poop pile story, that story wasn't true either.

There's a lot of facts that don't fit your profile. Like what? Jumping over anything. I've never seen you jump over anything. You'd split your pants in a second. It's not true. Not true. And as who, who dared you to jump, that's another part of the story.

This dude, just some guy was like, Hey, Tom, it's like a little city. Uh-huh. That's a little Cincinnati's a little city. No, that where the comp or the hotel is. And then some stranger. Hey guy. Hey, dude. Yeah.

It's just some guy and you let some guy, you know, we were a little, we were a little lit, a little toasty. That's another part of the story that doesn't add up. Why? Because you don't, you seldom get lit. Well, I know, but it was seldom. One time I've seen you shithouse drunk enough to do something that done was at your 23rd birthday party.

25th. 25th. When you're so drunk, you were jumping rope in the bar and they had to kick you out. And that's the one time. Does it? Your call has been forwarded. Okay. Well, that's him.

Pat house on. He'll tell this bullshit story. Please. Oh man. And you never accept dares for anything. This would be so. But that's why being a little f'd up, you know, helped. It helped.

Don't buy it. You never get fucked up for the dog. You've blew man. You've been on the road with my husband. How wasted does he get every night? Not every night, but, you know, I'd say like, like once every couple of times, he gets a little hammered enough to jump over a parking meter and yeah, it's all smiley and stuff. You could tell he's fucked up.

Yeah. Smiley. So that's how I know you're lying. Number one. That's why you're lying. You don't get smiley and stuff and you don't act out when you're messed up. No, I've only seen him drunk. I haven't seen him toasty.

Okay. By the way, that whenever you're toasty or drunk, you go down. You never go up. Me? I go down. Yeah. Look at her. Look at her.

I know you, bro. What do I do? You chill. You get more quiet and withdrawn and, you know, you're not fun. That's the whole thing. You're not a fun person to be around even when you're fucked up. That's why I know this is such a fucking lie because you're not fun and you don't do fun things like jump over parking meters.

I know this. I'm not a fun person. Of course not. Neither am I. That's why we're married. We don't like having fun. It's rude. You're really rude.

It's not rude. I'm no fun either. I don't like to do stuff. Everyone knows that. Oh my God. Oh my God. All right. This is a Korean commentating on video games, as we were talking about announcers, the

video game, they're going crazy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So anyways. Wow. This Koreans don't have much sports happening. Huh?

Well, I think they just really love this shit. I mean, there's a whole, that's a whole league now. You know, the video game. What? Super big. Oh yeah. It's really big. And they play in arenas.

Yeah. They watch it on the big screen. This generation is fucking doomed. There are players that have like six-figure salaries. Okay. Yeah. More, right? We're done.

Seven-figure, yeah. The human race is fucking dying. This is it. The Zeezer Zems, the championship games of nothing. What the fuck is that? Oh, we'll save that for next week. Okay. All right.

Is there anything else, Jeans? Nope. Oh, we have a, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I am, I got my 23 and me results. Oh, really? They found your part dog? No. I'm in the club now.

You're part bear. Like I'm about to have a lot of doors open. Okay. Here we go. I'm so nervous. I am. Point. I'm so nervous.

I'm so nervous. I'm so nervous. I'm so nervous. I'm so nervous. I'm so nervous. I'm so nervous. I'm so nervous. I am .3% Jewish.

What? Yes. Ashkenazi. Wow. I told my manager, like I want in. That's great. You're so lucky. You're going to, your career is going to get even bigger now.

I know. I want like fucking, I want top level access now, like open the doors. I know you've been fucking leaving clothes. Yeah. And I had a lot of like, a lot of interesting thing happens this week when I started telling people, like a lot of guys are like, Oh, well, you can, you can come over for lunch. Like, Really?

Steven Spielberg took your phone call. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, it's really been, it's been pretty awesome. Hanging out at John Hill. .3%. But it's there. I didn't know that.

That's really exciting. Congratulations. Thanks. Yeah. I feel like we clicked a lot more this week too. How come you hid this from me, by the way? I was like, Oh, you know, I, I meant to tell you something about the connection I feel closer.

And I was like, Oh, okay. Wow. Does he eat Julie stuff in front of you? Yeah. Do you eat like lots of balls and locks and bagels in front of Tom? I like locks, but I don't eat them in front of Tom. But is that? Oh, oh yeah.

Actually at the airport, Pat House saw me do something very Jewish. I put all my change into that bucket before you go to security. And then I just dumped everything into my hand. Like all the change and Pat, like I turn and Pat is looking right at me. And I was like, this is the most Jewish thing I've done in like a year. Wait, he kept your change? Because like you need to take everything out of your pockets when you go through security. Yeah.

Like everything. So I had like all the change from the weekend. Right. And so I like, I put my belt on it, put my wallet in it. And then the last thing's the change. And there's so much. I have to pick it up and dump it into my hand. And you were like, every coin, every coin.

I'm super self-aware when I'm doing like super Jewish. Do you really, do you really, you do? There was, yeah, like us Jews are us Jews. We're very aware. I remember I was trying to haggle something when I was at some swap meet with my friend and I'm trying to bargain a price. And I just hear my friend sign behind me like, I can't believe you're actually doing this. I totally fucked up my deal.

I had to come back the next day. Really? Wow. Interesting. Well, it's a whole, it's like new stuff for me to be self-conscious about. And like when I start doing that, I'll be like, Jewish. You're ready to hate yourself. The self-hating Jew.

And also your nose is kind of Jewish. What the fuck? No, I'm serious. Look at it. What the fuck? You and Blue Band have a similar nose. Now that I look, let's post a photograph if we can of the two profiles. Hey, look how Jew you are.

Now that I look at you, your lips are large and you've got, where's that? I wish we had that drawing of the exemplary Jew from that hateful girls. Oh, yeah. Well, there's a photo right there. Yeah. See how kind of, you can't really tell what there's like a hump there. Jesus. Your lips are big.

You're so racist. Your hair is really curlier than it's ever been. Okay. It's really interesting. I got a couple. Drink the top layer. It's time to play real sexual predator. It's time to play chunky.

It's time to play just naughty, build toilet paper. The urine from two dirty homeless men. It's time to bite my butt with your mucus. Homeless jar of biz. I've been of sex with your sister. Take it in the face. Then under strikes, the grandmother walks in on you masturbating. Never have another orgasm.

It's time to play. It's time to play. It's time to play would you rather play. All right. That's a great one. Is that by Ali? You did that? I'm not sure.

Would you rather have an internal and external hemorrhoid or growth in grown toenails on both your big toes that are also infected? Where do you want pain in your asshole or your feet? That's basically the question. That's a simple way of doing it. Do you want your toes or your asshole to hurt all the time? But you know what's real sneaky about fingers and toes is that when those hurt, those really hurt. You ever had anything when you pull out the hangnail and when I had one that's so infected,

you can't sleep at night if it's like throbbing and pain? I know. There's a lot of pro athletes that have had their careers derailed by toe injuries. Really? Yeah, sure. If it's that bad, if your big toe is, you know, you get turf toe or broken or something like that, you know, you can't push off of it. You can't run.

You can't jump. You can't do anything. You're just in pain. Wow. What do you think? What do you go for? I've had hemorrhoids since I was pregnant and, you know, you don't really feel them until, at least I didn't until I had to go brown.

And I was wiping. I remember wiping was like, but then now with this bidet, I mean, kind of bypass. Is that battery? I don't know. We'll figure it out. But I would go for the hemorrhoids. Wow. Because that's only once a day or twice a day when you're dumping like normal people,

not like you or you shit every 15 minutes. No, I also have like, I have a fear of the, of the toe injuries and stuff. So I think I would go, I already have a lot like excitement every day. So I think I would, I would take the, those hemorrhoids. Poof. Yeah. The toes toe, the little stuff is what gets you in life. The toe and the fingers.

You don't want to hurt those. This one, they broke it up one for me and one for you. All right. Tom, would you rather wear a bodysuit of Burt Chrysler for one year or have Christina wear your bodysuit and make love to your, how do I say, rectum once a month for a year? Wow. Well, nothing would be worse than having to be like Bart. Oh, that was Pat.

God damn it. Should I try to call him back or no? That's up to you. All right. I'll call him in a second. After a second. I would absolutely make love to my own bodysuit that you wear. Yeah.

Over walking around with Burt's horrific. I think any, anything's better than looking like Burt. Burt Chrysler naked. Yeah. Bart is a mess. Yeah. Big fat mess. Yeah.

He's a big fat mess. Christine's the one for you. Would you rather toss Tommy salad after he farted? Nope. Or shave his butthole after a devastating number six. Oh, shave the butthole. Yeah, that's an easy one. Easy peasy because of my mouth doesn't have to go on it.

Who cares if you get shit on your hands? I get shit on my hands daily. It's like not a problem. Anthony. No. Come on. Come on. Tom, would you rather jerk off top?

Oh boy. To completion every day. Well, he tells you how much he enjoyed the last time you jacked him off. Or top dog jerk you off every day. Well, he tells you how much he enjoyed the last time he jacked you off. Interesting. That's, that is a good one. It is.

And then it says dot, dot, dot, or be as fat and sweaty as Burt. I'll walk back. Yeah. This one is so horrific that I think I would dive into the most disgusting of all choices and be Burt. Yeah. Clearly with dad. I mean, come on.

Yeah. It's not going to, but I guess the real question is, can your dad get a boner or will you get a boner? It'd be impossible. It would be impossible for your dad to give you a hard time means these sessions would never end. Cause he was like, you got to come. You got to come.

Yeah. You decided to play this game. So long. But then how would you get your dad hard? Oh man. He's older too. Okay. Jeans.

Would you rather never be able to wipe or clean your asshole for the rest of your life? Oh my God. Next one. You have to act of teeth with ship breadth while missing your two fronts and never be able to fix anything. Oh God. For ever putting respect on your name, Jeremy.

Oh my God. Now hold on. So you can't wipe your bum bum. You can't clean the Duke off. Yeah. Let's try to, you can't wipe or clean off poo. Yeah. I'd rather do that.

You'd rather be like that. Who's going to see my asshole? Yeah, but you have a shit fill. You never wipe ever. Yeah, but I just take a shower. He didn't say I can't go in the shower and spread my cheeks and let the water do its thing. You have to shit in public. It's seldom happens.

But if it does, you just walk around with dookie dookie. Yeah. I've done it before. You've never taken a shit that you can't wipe up. Never. Had the never ending wipe and why I would shit to shower. I've taken shit so disastrous that the wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe that sometimes there's just brown in the underwear.

You've never done that. The butt stamp where you leave the brown in the underwear. So disgusting. Okay. I got to call Pat. Wait. I have one for you. Well, it's ringing.

What? Would you rather have sex with that old lady, the 91 year old, but without your face mask, without your, you got to go all natural. No boner pills, 100% natural. You got to look in her eyes. You got to be present. You just have to look in her eyes. No boner pills.

No boner pills. No virtual realities. Or. You can use lubricant and theater of the mind. That's all you got. Okay. Or you take as many steroids so the guy in the opening clip and your balls shrink 50%. I'm fucking at Edna, man, 100% rather than have your nut shrink.

But that's a good thing. Girls like it. Yeah. That's what we learned. By the way, he like, he's offered the illusion to, he makes your dick look bigger. Like make your dick bigger. He makes it look bigger in relation to your tiny, childlike balls. Yes.

Yes. You have a tiny dick and then kid balls doesn't work, the logic doesn't work. Yeah. Ridiculous. Wait. So you're taking the lady for sure slamming her thinking about that guy's tiny little balls. Well, my big slap against her old broken body.

Why is it so you're fucking done answering now? Fucking camp. Answer your phone. Shit. Answer. You smell like the farts that you are. Dude. What is wrong with you?

Oh my God, I want to kill it when somebody's like, yeah, we can talk. I'm telling him and he's like, yeah, I'm calling you for another number. Hello? Jesus Christ. What does it take for you to answer the fucking phone? I'm at work. I got tables. All right.

Listen, man. This is really important. Sorry. But we're on the podcast right now and my wife doesn't, I told her you were there. She wanted to ask about those cigarettes being put out on my hand. Stoops. Oh yeah. Outside the waffle house.

Yeah. I'm sorry. Where? Outside the waffle house. I didn't get that detail earlier. Interesting. No, because we went late. This is what I told you.

I've been drinking. I've been smoking. Waffle house is right next to the complex. The hotel complex. So we're walking back. There's a guy. He's like, I bet you can't jump over the fucking parking. Who's this guy?

Pat, describe the guy. Okay. Describe the guy. Uh, white male, 50s junkie. It's funny. I didn't get that. What did I leave out and say that earlier? He was a junkie or 50s.

I say he was a guy walking. It was, it was a road stop transient. And you, you had a bet going with a road stop transient. It was in the moment. I was a little drunk. I was a little high. I'd say it to be a lot drunk. Well, I wasn't, I mean, I was, I was enough.

I was suggestible. Yeah. Uh huh. I was suggestible. Pat, how fun is my husband when he's drunk or high? Just how much fun is he in general? It's fantastic. See.

Lie. I know you're lying. You're such a liar. Her, her, her general blanket statement was Tom, you're not a lot of fun. And that's why I like being married to you. Yeah. You're the best husband ever. Cause you're not a lot of fun.

Yeah. Well, I disagree. That was the highlight of my weekend. See. Wow. See. Yeah. And how did my husband take the pain of the cigarette burns owned it owned it.

That's another bullshit. Why would that be bullshit? You don't handle pain well at all. Like when? Oh, exactly. Well, when? I mean, you don't handle things like that. You don't do, that's some sadistic weird shit that you don't do.

You would have to be a totally different person to have this happen to you. It was just like, are you having some kind of midlife crisis? No, but I was just not a hundred percent sober. Mental illness. I wasn't a hundred percent sober. Bullshit. What do you mean bullshit? What, what, hey Pat, what did my husband take that night to let him to do that?

What did he do? What did he take that night? Yeah. What, what did he drink? We had a couple of beers and a patron, I believe. Oh, it's interesting because Blueban said that he was high on pot. Blueban wasn't there. No.

No, they did. This is Wednesday night. Blueban got there Thursday. But how did he know you were toasty? He, he declared you were toasty. Because he saw me, because he saw me smoke. He said when he's toasty. Uh-huh.

He saw me smoke the next night. Okay. Either like a little, little toke. Okay. Yeah. Look, man, you have no idea how much fucking fun I am. You're so no fun. All right.

You're never fun. It was the highway of the weekend. Yeah. Look, I won't let you go, Pat. Pat, thank you so much for, for, I'm sorry I bugged you, man, but um, no, no problem. Fun time and thank you for being my alibi and my witness to the crime. I appreciate it. Lies.

Absolutely. Thanks for lying, Pat. All right, buddy. We'll talk soon. Yeah. There you go. Whatevs, dude. It's a vagrant.

That's funny because you didn't mention that it was a 50 year old funny Pat. Vagrant. I mean, I, I didn't leave. I, I didn't give you a different description. You're just a guy. Yes, it is. It's a guy. It's a guy.

A 50 year old vagrant, like homeless junkie type. That's a type. You don't, you don't just, you know, gloss over. Shit's real. Um, I hope my cigarette burns heal those aren't cigarette burns, dude. Thank you guys for listening to the show. Jeans. You want to add anything before we go?

You're telling me I'm a liar. You lied to me every episode. The poop pile is a lie. That's not a lie. The cigarette burns a lie. Lila. Lila. I can get some phone calls for the poop pile.

Okay. And this is called projection. When you project on to me, what you are, you tell, telling me I'm a liar, you're a liar. Okay. Anyways, thank you guys for listening. Your mom's house podcast.com. Please go to Tom Segura.com.

Not just for tickets to live shows, but for the very important hurt is fat shirt. We got to start that. Yeah. Those will be up soon. Or they'll be up when you listen to this show. Okay. Lots of love. We'll talk to you soon.

Bye Jeans. Bye mommies. All right. Here we go. Jeans. Oh shit. No, this is not nothing to do with you. Yeah.

Right. I promise. It's a surprise. It's a surprise. It's a surprise. Wet Nutsack. This is no shit. Wet Nutsack.

It's a surprise. It's a surprise. Wet Nutsack. This is no shit. Wet Nutsack. It's a surprise. Wet Nutsack. This is no shit.

Wet Nutsack. It's a surprise. It's a surprise. It's just coming. Wet Nutsack. It's just coming. It's just coming. I know.

She's coming. It's just coming. It's a surprise. You did it. And we both went. It is incredible. Wet Nutsack. It's a surprise.

Again. Again. I want more. There more. Wet Nutsack. I think it was towards the end of lunch. Especially when you do it in front of your mom. Your mom.

Your mom. Your mom. Your mom. Your mom. Your mom. Your mom. Your mom. Your mom.

Your mom. Your mom. Your mom. Your mom. Your mom. Your mom.