Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 353-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: July 20, 2016

We hope you're HAPPY, Rachel! Mummy knows and now so does everyone else! Plus a Jamaican accent so thick the Master gets stumped?!? Tommy's family is in town and the house has flipped over. Will the Mommy's survive? An Asian guy from the South Pacific is still wanting a girlfriend, but with a new approach - intense dude energy. We have some advice. Plus The Water Championship has been settled, but who is the ALONE CHAMPION? The debate begins.

New Orlando Airport. New Orlando Airport. New Orlando Airport. New Orlando Airport. You went to New Orlando Airport. You got the same stall. This was your jack stall. This was the shed that went through your pants?

This was the shed that went through your pants? Yeah, this was the one where I had to leave my underwear. Get on the plane and then get out of the lounge and park the gear. What kind of nostalgic moment did you know I had to make? Did you know I had to make? Did you know I had to make? Did you know I had to make? Did you know I had to make?

Did you know I had to make? Did you know I had to make? New Orlando Airport. New Orlando Airport. New Orlando Airport. New Orlando Airport. New Orlando Airport. New Orlando Airport.

Double pipe classics. That's a rare event. Far and near to the same time. Air coming out of both ends. I had the hardest ships I've had in years, okay? Slept in a shit filled bedspread? I did. I did. Double pipe classics.

That's a rare event. Yeah. There you go, Jeans. Double pipe classics. Very rare event. Rare event. Hello. There I am.

It's official. I'm going to St. Louis Tits. This week. Helium. One of the great clubs. It's one of the really great clubs. Are you a Helium experience? You've been to Helium?

Not in St. Louis Tits. I'm going to be going to Helium in September, I believe. Oh, in Fartland. In Fartland, yeah. It's a really good chain of clubs. Very happy to be going. That's what I hear. Yeah, you can't go wrong, man.

It's the Orlando Airport of Comedy Clubs. That's a really good way of putting it. So St. Louis Tits, I'll be there this weekend. Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. Please come see me. Then I have a week off, Jeans. Can you believe it? Oh, my God.

Full week off. And then I go to Timonium, which is just outside of Balls & Hors, Maryland. And I'm doing... Timonium? Is that what it's called, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's not the joke word. Timonium?

I've never heard of that place. Yeah. It's just outside of Baltimore. Okay. Baltimore? Baltimore. So much better. Wow.

Thank you. Baltimore, Maryland. I'm doing Magoobie's Comedy Club. August 4th, 5th, and 6th. Please come out. We're doing five shows. And the following weekend, come on our bus, Ohio, at the funny bone there. It's a good one.

In Columbus. So come see me if you're around. I'll be there. Very exciting. The following week, I'm doing my global access, global entry interview at LAX. Oh. Anybody wants to come over to that? Can I sell tickets to that one, too?

Yeah, hopefully people will come to that. That'd be great. TSA loves that when you cause a scene. Oh, yeah. Joking. I had to move a couple of dates. I'm still not, have not been given permission yet to announce why. Oh.

Big announcement on the horizon then. Yes, but I can tell you that New York's New York Titties has been rescheduled. It's only the next month, so it was in September. I had to move it to October. It is now October 27, 28, and 29. And also, another ticket is now on sale, and that is Manfrant Disco, one of my favorite cities. I'm doing COBS October 20th through the 22nd.

All those tickets are at tomcigura.com. Jeans, what do you got? Well, I'm going to do one nighter starting September 27th in Meat Rattle, Washington, at the Tacomaña Comedy Club, September 27th, and then September 28th. I'm in Shartland, Oregon, at the Helium Comedy Club. That's what I'm doing. There you go. Yeah.

October 4th, I'm in Fallis, Texas, at Hyena's Comedy Club, October 5th. Pustin. That's good. Tejas of the Secret Group. That's good. And then October 23rd, that's Indianapolis. Do you know? That's a good one.

Indian Crapless. Indy Crapless. Indian Crapless. That's very racially insensitive, Tom. There's something somebody sent in a while back. Yeah. Indy Crapless. It was really good for it, but I don't remember what it was.

Indian. No. Anyways, that's what we're talking about. Oh, Indian Appletits. Indian Appletits, I like that. Morty's Comedy Club, October 24th, Cincinnati, Fist & Daddy, Ohio, submitted by Jeff Lapham. Wow. Thank you, Jeff.

Go bananas, Comedy Club. It's crazy in here. There's so many jokes. Yeah. And oh, and I added a local date. I am headlining the Ice House, July 23rd, 8 o'clock show, Get Your Tickets. All these tickets, the links are on 1000branch.com on my tour page. Excellent.

Links to your tickets. Did you say? I did. TomSugar.com. Yes. And that's it. That's it on my end, guys. Great.

Oh, July 29th. Can we take a joke? August 1st available for download on iTunes. Excellent. Excellent. All right. You ready to do this? Yeah, of course.

Ready to? Born ready. Here we go. Do you want a fart? Can you really fart? Do you want a fart? Can you really fart? Fart.

Fart. Fart. Fart. Have we sang that song on the show yet? No, not in a while. That's just a personal song. Yeah. We haven't shared that with the world yet.

Yeah. Let's go. Thanks a lot, you idiot. Thanks a lot, Rachel. Thanks a lot. Thanks to you, my charge is not charging on my iPad because it's got you to your iPad instead of mine. It's not charging my iPad and it's all your fault.

I hope you're happy because I've told mom. This is big time. Who is Ramsay? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Your mom in the fucking stand. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura.

Christina Pozitzis. Christina Pozitzis. Welcome to your mom's house. This is my second podcast of the day, actually. I know you just interviewed your parents. Yeah. It's big news. Top Dog and Charo.

We're right in here. We did an hour. Where did she sit here? No, she sat there. TD got this one? Yeah, we did some fun shit, man. Oh boy. There's some ridiculous stuff.

So when are we going to get to hear that one? I don't know because everything right now, the audit, you know, it's nothing's edited. Right. And I had Maria in here. OMG. Yeah. So I got, I got a bunch of stuff. We have Maria at the house.

I should say I got some quality time with my sister-in-law while you were gone. Oh my God. Seriously? Yeah. I met G. Maria, her baby and me and our baby. And it was a whirling dervish. Seriously. Seriously.

Seriously. Seriously. Seriously. I mean, your sister was up at five AM with a kid. First day. So people know, you know, Los Angeles does have a lot of hills, you know, there's like, there's hills in different regions of the city. We live in a neighborhood that's built on a hillside and it is almost entirely at an

incline. Like you pull in the neighborhood and it's just, it's all uphill. Day one, she, I get up and she's been up and she's like, hi, yeah, I can tell she's been outside. You know, she's wearing, yeah. And she's like, like, she's got sun and she's sweating. I go, what'd you do? I went on a run and I go, where'd you run?

Just through the neighborhood. And I go, how far'd you run? And she goes, five miles. I go, you went five miles. Like, how did you know? And she goes, I downloaded an app and it tells you where to go and I go, this neighborhood's like all uphill. And she goes, yeah, me and my daughter, she did a stroller run uphill for five miles.

No, I know. And then she's ready for the day. And then that's when the day starts. Now she's like, I'm ready. I'm ready for the day. She jacked. So at one point, I'll just tell you this. I don't know, even though if I told you the whole story, I won't, I wanted to hang some

lights in the backyard. I bought some lights on Amazon. I wanted a big, big plans for that. We had big plans for these lights. You and I went to the, the hardware store we bought like bamboo rods to try to hang, you know, like those European restaurant lights. So I figured to keep your sister occupied because I don't like doing stuff. Okay.

And I can, I knew it already when we were alone. What are we going to do today? Yeah. We're wondering what happened to the lights. So I think, I figure I'm going to keep Maria occupied and I'm going to make it her project to hang up the lights. Yeah. And I'll just kind of chill out with Ellis and, you know, watch the chaos unfold.

Well, the chaos unfolded. Your sister is like, okay, where can we plug these in? And then she found one outlet and then, you know, outcomes, the wiring. And then I go, I listen, we, we need to dig holes to put the bamboo sticks in the grass. I go, we don't, we don't have a shovel. I don't know how we're going to do this. It's okay. I'll just, I'll go get a spoon.

She goes into our kitchen. She's the one that thought of that. She thought of that. Of course. Got a spoon. And then one of our nice cooking knives, she pulls it out of the thing. And I, before I know it, she's already digging with a nice kitchen knife and a spoon. And I go, Maria, I think we got to abort this mission.

I, something tells me this is not the right way to do this. I go, let's just abort. Are you sure? Cause I think I figured this out. I'm going to do this. I'm like, no, you can't do it. Then she goes, why don't I just climb up these trees and climb up the trees and I'll put them in the trees.

I'll just climb up the trees. And I go, what? And she goes, I climb trees every day. It's fine. It's fine. I was like, I don't think so. Yeah. Maybe not this time.

No, it's crazy. Do you have a ladder? I go, forget it. No, it's crazy. Your sister wanted to dig holes with spoons and knives and then climb our trees. She's crazy. Totally crazy person. Yeah.

That's her. That's been her since we were kids. Yeah. Quite an imagination. Oh, and always going. Never stops. Never stops. Never seen her tired.

She's goes so much a couple of things. First of all, how durable is this girl? I'm telling mom and it's also interesting that she told this, I presume this is her sister, but she told her via video message. Yeah. That's maybe just what kids do now. Like, right? Yeah.

They don't leave notes. No. They're just like, I'm gonna post a note, a video note. I hope you're happy. Thanks a lot, you idiot. Thanks a lot, you idiot. Thanks a lot, Rachel. Thanks a lot.

Thanks to you. My charge is not charging on my iPad because it's got you to your iPad instead of my. It's not charging on my iPad and it's all your fault. It's all your fault. I hope you're happy because I've told mom. You're happy. I hope you're happy. I've told mom.

She's so angry. Her face is great. She's so mad. Yeah. Yeah. Look at that. That's such a stern talking to. Yeah.

Yeah. I hope you're happy. So cute. I've told mom. But what does she mean? The iPad gets used to someone's charger. There is a weird thing with chargers sometimes where you plug them into certain devices. Yeah.

And it's like the same. I don't know that it's a thing that's been proven, but you put it in yours. You're like, oh, it doesn't work. Somebody else puts it in theirs and it charges. Oh, all right. Is that true? It's weird sometimes. Juban?

Yeah. Oh, that's a new one. Thank you. I got that from the internet. Oh, really? Yeah. I was going to tell you someone called you Juban. Okay.

How do you feel about that? I didn't make that up. That's fine. I'll take it. Excellent. Wait, so is that true? Yeah. I have seen it happen before.

It'll be like, oh, this device doesn't recognize this wire. I've seen weird stuff happen. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I've seen that. That's legit rage. I mean, I understand. That's legit rage. Yeah.

She's fired up, man. I did one of those things. You remember how forever we didn't realize we could just put an extension cord so you could plug things on your side of the bed? Yeah. We were so dumb. Yeah. We've done so many things for so long.

I know. I'm like, we could just plug it in an extension cord. Oh my God. All right. And then the other one was we just had one charger for our devices, like for our three, two iPads, two iPhones. Yeah. And then I was in a mall like a month ago and I go, I'm going to buy more chargers so

that now we could charge more stuff at once. It was like a breakthrough thought for me. What's wrong with us? I think you and I are like frat boys, like whatever's happening is fine. We'll just make it do. Yeah, you just make it do. We just, we just get used to the horrible conditions. It's because we were broke for so long.

Yeah. That's why. I don't think we realized that we can spend $12 now on a charger. Actually, they fucking rob you. Seriously? How much is it? First of all, they conveniently, they go, we were selling just the plug and the charger as one.

Now they sell the, the part that goes in the wall, no part that goes in your device separately. So you have to buy both and I think one's 29 and one's mother fuckers. You're buying like a $50. No. Yeah. Yeah. It's expensive. You better get your entire life.

Yeah. It's expensive. What about that one we have downstairs in the kitchen? That's just a one piece. It looks kind of old schooly. That one's a great charger by the way. Yeah. Yeah.

That one is made by an outside. That's good. Yeah. It's cheaper. I mean, they all, those people, they sell theirs that much cheaper. Such scumbags. Crazy. What they make such good shit.

By the way, do you want to hear somebody made a, a version of your mom's house? Yeah. This is by a DJ wet nut sack. Okay. It's his version. Yeah. Of the. Yes.

Yes. Big time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Yeah. It sounds like the, the South Park teacher, you know, I'm talking about the hippie. Yeah. Mr. Mr. Hey at Mr. Garrison.

Yeah. It's like Mr. Garrison is doing this. I hear it. You know this guy? No, he did submit something like a week or two ago and he was so stoked to hear stuff that he submitted us like a whole bunch. Oh, okay. Okay.

All right. Well, I, this is very interesting. You got that part right. There you go. That's great. And then he purposely said those things wrong at the top, I'm guessing. No. Oh, okay.

I like that. Good job. Good job. Good job. DJ wet nuts. Your mom is in the fucking stains. Yeah. Well, there's nothing stains and stairs.

I'll tell you how this is supposed to go. Okay. Yes. It's big time. No. This shit is big time. Yeah. Come on.

What do you know? Who is Randy? Well, I'm loving to this. Don't bring anyone's mother into this. Jesus. Your mama and the funk is stire. Well, I mean, your mom in the fucking stands, man. Come on.

You got to listen to that Patreon episode where we break down the intro. We just spent like 30 minutes covering this. Which episode is that blue band? I think that might be episode three on Patreon. See? Patreon.com slash mom. This shit is big time. There you go.

There you go. Yeah. We go into detail. We do. If you want to hear the... Of every... Yeah. Of how that intro was made.

Yeah. Patreon. Patreon.com slash mom. Patreon. Put that shit down. Yeah. So then you had Mario with you for a few days. I'm exhausted.

So your sister left and I felt so tired. Like, I think that's why I'm still so exhausted is just having any guest. Yeah. And then having your sister who's just... And then two babies. And her baby. Her baby. Our baby.

Get your life. Yeah. Just nonstop tears. Cry, motherfucker. Yeah. So many cries. Yeah. And then family was here yesterday and that was exhausting and...

We had a get together yesterday. We did. Yeah. We sure did. So... Do you want to talk about who wasn't at the gathering? No. Who?

Oh, yeah. Go ahead. Can I tell them what we did yesterday? Are you okay with that? Yeah. Sure. Of course. So we baptized our son, Ellis.

So now he's going to go to heaven. And so we invited the whole clan. It kind of was already was baptized because every time we see blue band, he cries. So I know he's on the right path. He's like, you know, he's not Christian. So yeah. Right. Right.

So we extended the invitation to everybody and the families and my dad, I told him like months ago, this is happening. He's like, oh, I can't go. I'm like, why? Why? It's your, your only grandson's baptism. Well, what could be more important than going to Vietnam? So my dad left on like Thursday.

The baptism was on Sunday. Like you couldn't move that ticket, bro. Couple days. Couple days. It's so crazy. Right? Could have left today. Could have left now.

He'll be there in time for all the art. He doesn't have work and doesn't have work. All the art he's looking at probably, it's a probably a cultural trip. I'm guessing why it's so important for him to be there. Well, for you to say something like that, I mean, maybe go over where his last year trips. Well, he goes to other countries like the Philippines or Thailand, Brazil, Brazil, places known for their culture and their art work.

Oh, yeah, yeah. What's that? What's that? I'm not sure that tied in. I thought it did. He likes hose. I don't know. Are you think?

I don't know. Oh, I don't know what the common denominator is with all these countries. Yeah, I don't know. He got a stiff dick and went after her. Is that better? No. So we'll, you know, we'll see how that shakes down when Ellis is old enough to ask, why isn't grandfather in any of these photos?

Yeah. So he couldn't make it. Other people made it. Other people made it just fine. People didn't have trips planned. Right? It's so horrible. Oh my gosh.

I got to talk to my shrink tomorrow for sure. It's normal for him though. It's normal. Yeah. Of course for him. Yeah. What do you think the logic? What was happening?

I just think that like in his case, he doesn't, he doesn't think in like the way about others at all. Oh, sorry. It's just, it's so outside of his mindset to go like just to think like that, to think like a human. No, not like a human, like a person with feelings. Oh, your dad's got a kind of one track kind of focus on him, I think, you know, yeah. I think, I think it doesn't occur to him.

And even if you were to tell him, you know, all the reasons like, hey, you know, you should be here for this. Yeah. Yeah. I wasn't going to do that. I totally get that. But I think he would go like, okay, like I'll do that because you asked me to do that. Yeah.

But he doesn't think like I should do that. No, there's no, there's no should. I think that's the whole thing with him is that there was never, I ought to do X instead of Y or Z. Yeah. He just does what he wants. You know, there's no, there's no ought. Yeah.

There's no control. It's just what I want. Right? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. That's really good. Yeah.

I do stuff sometimes. Yeah. He almost gave us his place. It's interesting. That was crazy. Wait, what? He almost gave us his house. Didn't give it.

Almost. Well, that was going to be a whole ordeal though. We had to find a place for him and all that stuff. I know. It didn't work out. No, it didn't work out. It's just so it's, but it's interesting because, but now that I think about it, I'm not even sure.

You know what I mean? Like when you have a parent that's a little cookie shoes, do we even, is it that parent that you want at these events or is it the idealized version? That's a good point. Right? Like I'm not even sure. I think what happens is for a long, long, long time you keep requesting the thing you want from the, from said person.

Right. Right. It doesn't have to be parent. Right. It can be friend. It can be sibling. It can be spouse. Right?

Yeah. In different scenarios like this. Yeah. You know what we were like? Oh, it's okay that said person is not at anything or I just have to change my expectation of said person. Yeah. Cause in that part, you're not going to get what you want.

Yeah. Hot maturity, man. Yeah. That's the part. That's the thing that takes a long time. 40 years. I'm with you. I mean, I'm, I'm seeing a shrink at the same, same, same thing too is like it's always about

your expectation. You're right. With your, especially your parents, especially when you become a parent. Yeah. Yeah. Now. Wow. Was that synergy?

That's synergy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So anyway, that was our weekend. The family came. It was a great time yesterday.

Top dog and Charo Maria and her husband, Brie Brie, my, my cousins came from Riverside. My aunt, it was great. She's hilarious. Yeah. She's the most normal, besides my cousins, the most normal person who squeezed into my family. She's a social worker. Yeah.

Sweet lady. She's retired now, but like this, the sweetest person. So you know, we had, we had a great time. Yeah. It was great. It was great. And our sons are going to heaven now. And hopefully we'll have a cool picture from Vietnam too, just show them.

Maybe I'll have a new mom. I don't know. I got checked. That's just cause this is Charo. Or maybe you'll have a new brother or sister, half Vietnamese. Who knows? What does she say? Um,

Is she asking about dinner? This is what she said. Holy shit. You want to press pause and read that? No, no, no. Everything is okay. Um, That's an awfully long text.

Are you sure you don't want to pause and read that? No, I'm fine. Is it okay? Yeah. I kind of skimmed it. It's fine. It's fine. It's my mom basically saying,

Sweet person said, I want to be nice to that person. Oh, sorry. That was the wrong button. No. So gross. You better get your life. Anyway, I'm excited that we're back together again and the mommy dome.

Me too. I love doing the show. People ask me all the time on the road, you know, about how much post you get. Like I'll fuck a girl. Right. Like in the green room and then she'll be like, I love this. I love your show. Thanks.

And then she's like, uh, like, do you like doing standup or the podcast more? I love doing standup. I don't think I'll ever stop loving standup. It's like my, my love. Uh, but there's nothing as fun as coming back and doing this podcast. I really enjoyed it. It is the best, isn't it? Yes.

We're in our home. We got the fun. This is our world. This is our silly little world. It's so much fun. It's very fun. Um, it was neat. I asked you to put my phone on the charger last night cause I was asleep and then you

didn't do it right. And I got mad at you. And when I walked over and it was like, God punish me because you farted and it was like a hot garbage fart. Yeah. It was hot trash. It was really disgusting. It made me so happy and made me so happy.

What did you, now that wasn't just dinner because my farts didn't smell like that. What did you eat on the road prior? Actually it was a pretty health, healthy road weekend. Yeah. Yeah. San Diego. Yeah. It's California.

You can find like vegetables and shit. Now, how's your IBS updated? Do we have one? There's not really much of one. Update. Um, I did always, you know, you don't want to have the doubts, so I went and I cleared the whole food allergy thing off the table. Okay.

I got tested across the ward. And there's nothing. No food allergies. Great. Yeah. So that's, that's a relief. And then when are we going to look in here? Behold.

Are they going to put scope up there? It's still not for a few weeks. Yeah. Yeah. It's for a few weeks. So you're going to have to like fast and then wow. And they gave me a, this drink I have to clear my whole system out. You mean you have to shit a lot.

Yeah. I've heard that is intense. Like I heard that you shit. Yeah. A lot. Yeah. It's not just like, like you ever drink that dieters tea, that Asian dieters tea by accident. Yeah.

I had one time in college I did. It's like slimming tea. You just shit and shit and shit. Yeah. I think it's like a, it's pretty intense. And I think it actually is over a day of doing that, you know. I'm just shitting. Yeah.

I think maybe I'll weigh in against Burt. But when I do that. You got to clear your calendar. Yeah. You're going to lose like 10 pounds. You wanted me to. Oh my God. It's back.

I'm so excited. This is the original. Yes. I love this guy. So the original, this guy is back. But let's, let's. Which bathroom is he going to use? Oh my God.

I talked at length about that topic with my parents. They got really serious. Oh no. Yeah. I was trying to have fun with gender pronouns and then my dad was like, yeah, that's just something. I'm saying there's a transgender and he's in the women's room. He's there to rape.

Oh my God. I don't think that happens. Okay. All right. He said they're there to rape. Oh no. Peep. Oh no.

All right. All right. Did you ask your dad what his pronoun? I played them the clips of the pronoun guy explaining stuff and they were just like, okay. And my mom was just like, so are you eat or they or them? They, my dad actually made a good point. He goes, well, what happens?

Like you guys speak Spanish and that's a masculine feminine language. Yes. And I was like, that's a good question. Yes. But then we kind of figured out that you could like, instead of saying like, yeah, you could say like, yeah, which is a non gender. Yeah. Cause in German, there's the words still, not just the word before it, the words end

up being, You have to match it to the feminine masculine. That's very good. Well in German, you have D, dare or dos masculine feminine and neuter. Okay. So they accommodate it as well. Maybe. The neutral form.

Oh, okay. All right. Spanish. Anyways. You got your Spanish on. Oh, I love this guy so much. Hello guys. I know.

I know. I know. I am still single. I am single. I am single. And I am looking for a girlfriend. Yes. I am looking for a girlfriend.

If you know a girl who's single, please tag her right now because I want to go in a relationship with that girl. All right. I want to go in a relationship with that girl. If you know a girl who is single, tag her right now because I am looking for a girl to go in the relationship. I want a girl who can go to the movies with me, hold hands with me, have sex with me. I am looking for a girl who can go in the relationship with me.

So if you know a girl who's single, please tag her right now. There's so much wrong. Because I am single and I want to date her. We know. Number one, maybe not film in front of the turlet. Yeah. Any other spot on campus? Yeah.

It's not. It's not ideal, right? No. It's too desperate. Women don't want that. No. That's too much. But he's back.

I can't wait. I think he learned. Okay. Let's see. I mean, he's definitely more serious. That was kind of silly. Kind of goofy. Oh, look at that face now.

Oh, he's grown up. Look at that face. Oh, it looks like he's raped a few girls. Oh my God. What? Oh my God. Look, I'm not saying he did. I'm just saying that's an intense.

No. He just knows what it is to get a nut now. Like he knows. You think he got his nut? I think he's actually been in there a few times. So now it's more serious. You know, he was going for what happens is when you're a young, young man, you're like, right.

And you think that can get girls. It doesn't get girls. No. It doesn't get girls that when you want to close the deal. What's the, what do you mean? You have to be like a jerk. Not a jerk. I think, I think that like that silliness is not how you get laid.

No. When you're, especially when you're young, you know, because it's not layable energy. Right. It's goofy energy and girls don't want to lay. Goofy energy. It lets you, the thing is it lets you hang out with girls. Yeah.

But it's a non-threatening type of thing. It's a buddy, buddy energy. And right here he learned, he learned that that's friend energy and this is dick energy. Right. Yeah. His come energy. His fuck face. Yeah.

You tell right away. He's, he's all about business. He's like, I found a girl. The other one, his sink, his face is like, Hello. Yeah. I've had sex with girls. He knows now.

All right. Do you think he knows? Let's see if he knows. I think he knows now. Okay. Hey guys. Okay. Better.

Once again, I am looking for girlfriend. But now I got a chest. Yes. I got a six pack. And I'm back to tell you that no chest, no sex. So I am back and I'm looking for a girlfriend. All right. I am looking for a girlfriend.

So if you know a girl who is single, tag her right now because I am looking for a girl to sleep on my body, to touch my six pack, to feel my chest. And I want a girl to go to the movies with me, hold hands with me and have sex with me. So if you know a girl who can resist and not resist my sexy body, tag her right now. Okay. Because I got a chest and a six pack and I am looking for a girlfriend. I know. Oh my God.

Oh my God. I think maybe he didn't fully learn the lesson. No. It sounds like a gay disco in the background. Yeah. And number two, this only works, this approach. On dudes. On other dudes.

Yeah. You've said this before. Yeah. This is actually gay energy. It's a great lesson. It's masculine towards other men. But guys that don't know that. Yeah.

It's usually a young girl. Like he's a young guy. He doesn't know. They go, because they're so overwhelmed with their sexual desires. He doesn't know how to get it. He doesn't know what to do. He's frustrated. Yeah.

Yeah. He's on the right path, boo-boo. You're almost there. Yeah. See, if I were, I mean, good advice would be what? Throw on a shirt. Maybe talk. There's got to be some interest.

No, no, no. No, I think, because the kind of girl he needs. Yeah. I don't think he's busted that first nut. Really? He needs a girl who, he needs a girl who can, who's into the body. The body. Some girl who's a real pig, who's his age, who's like, I don't get it.

I'm a fag. I'm a fag. I'm a fag. And that's, that's got off. Like, like your slut girl voices. Yeah. So he needs to keep the shirt off, but not say what he wants. He should talk about something else.

Yeah. He'll be all, oh my God. Oh yeah. Hotty is like, you know, Justin Bieber used to do it where he just be like, hey, you know, and then you just don't talk about wanting to fuck somebody. Yeah. Look at that stare. Oh my God.

He's so intense. He's got so much calm inside. Yeah. It's raging through his veins right now. Yeah. You can like smell it. It's too much. Yeah.

Poor guy. Yeah. Can somebody please lay this guy? Are you in New Zealand listening? Can you find the guy that needs a girlfriend? It's too much. What's his name? At least say your fucking name.

And the video just says Chinese guy. I know. He might not even be Chinese. I probably isn't. Yeah. Racist internet. I know. That's fucking Chinese guy.

I'm looking for Gal. I'm looking for Gal. He's really sweet though. Yeah. Well, I don't know. I think he maybe got a little less sweet. Yeah. He got, he got, he's just angry.

He's got testosterone. He's got pent up nuts. Yeah. Those nuts need to get trained. Can somebody drain that guy's nuts please? Guys, let's do a Kickstarter. To drain this dude's nuts? To fly someone there to drain his nuts.

That'll be great. Yeah. So many, so many fun things to talk about. Oh, speaking of racist, this lady as a white woman and she has her own bed company. Is that what it is? She has a bed company. I think that's just like her gimmick. Sales person or something, right?

That looks like almost like a company party of some kind, right? It's like, it seems like it's a business related party. It's definitely a crowd full of her friends. Yeah. And she sings a song at this party about being a ninja and goes into a full Asian mockery. I love it. And there's an Asian woman right next to her whose face changes throughout the profile. Let's see it.

She's like, oh, and then she's like, you're being so racist right now. I love it. Yeah. Let's see. Okay. Let's see. It's pretty incredible. Why is this not working?

Do a command F. Thank you. I want to do ninja. Yeah. It's at a launch party, right? Oh boy. And this lady is Jennifer Murphy beds. So here she is.

There I am. I shut my Murphy bed. Sat down to scratch my head. What could this day bring? Right now, it's nothing. I get the phone call. I gotta help them all. Go girl, we'll save a day.

I will not get old. And at this point, you're like, all right, she's singing this song and she's singing it kind of in her, what her voice would be. Yeah. Then she definitely shifts gears. Yeah. And then curious lady gets a little more curious. Hey, it didn't take me long to find the ticking bomb. He took off in my jink.

That child is such a creep. I gotta find a way to take down child one day. He pulled a ninja move. It got me to be cool. You know what? Maybe I too could be ninja. I want to be ninja. I want to be ninja.

I want to chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop to China town. I want to be ninja. I love it so much. God, I love it. What is this song? Is this a real song? Something else. Do you know this song? No, I don't know.

Are you seeing how mortified this woman is? It's great, yeah. I know. It's great. It's so embarrassing. I started training hard. I think I could go far. I am a natural. You smiled there.

I learned to chop in hard. I fight with credit card. I use my numb chops. Even while feeding ducks. I throw my ninja star. Also very far. Did you hear that? Yeah, so dumb.

Yeah. I can't listen to anymore. It's so bad. My God. It's embarrassing. She really offended that lady for sure. Yeah. Good job.

That was really horrible. That's really bad. It reminds me of, for some reason, that summertime is great people. It's made shitty music. It's almost... This is almost too stupid to really be offensive. She's just a ding dong. She definitely doesn't know what she's doing.

I would say that for sure. But summertime people should be fucking hung. Yeah, they're the worst. That was the absolute worst. You made a good song. I just remembered seeing that a second ago. The animal song. Wait a minute. Press pause.

I think we should have a little contest. This just reminded me. You know, Nick Hawk, I think we've determined that his worst song is Breaking a Sweat. Did we read what he wrote? Or the email we got? We did?

We read it on the show? Now, I'm saying apropos of this, I nominate, because I know how hard it is to make music, and I don't like to just shit on people, arbitrarily. I'm going to put my song, Animal Song, up against Nick Hawk,

Breaking a Sweat. And you tell me whose song is better. Christina Pajitzki's Animal Song, or Nick Hawk's Breaking a Sweat. Just to show that, like, I don't just shit on people without putting my own hat in the ring. This is the first song I wrote.

I have a feeling Breaking a Sweat is his first song. And... This is garbage. This is garbage. This is garbage. This is garbage. This is garbage. Can't catch me like I can't catch my breath

by the sheet you get red. Bad, bad, bad at me, because I never get spread. My wings are spread. It's embarrassing. So fucking bad. That's the fucking worst song I've ever heard. God, you gave it 18 seconds, you just trashed it.

Because I'm just saying, I don't think Animal Song is worse than that. I've written one song in my life, it is Animal Song. And you guys tell me who makes a worse song. Me or Nick Hawk? It's good! I love him! Right?

It's pretty good. Feeling it? I still like it more, for sure. It's better than the break in the sweat. It is better. My song? It is better. It was so hard to get these seagulls

to sing at the same time. And these sheets were difficult to write. I'm not sure if I take off like a chap. I think it's the same. You watch me watch TV. You don't know who you're mad. I'll never forget. This dog shit.

We have an email that came in about about playing... That's on Kangers Me How Fucking Bad It Is. I know. Nick Hawk tried to get us to get that taken down because we talked about it in an episode. But we just played a moment of it. Just to talk about it.

I guess comments on his video. It says, Hey mommy, just checking in. High and tight there. One said, low and loose. No coming these balls. I think we might, we may finally know I burnt Chrysler so fat.

Looks like he hasn't found the cum. You should stick to fucking old white women. Your music career was over before it started. Nick Hawk is a cum dog? Question mark? So we heard his song, your song. Yeah, what's yours? This is the remake.

This one's way better than all of ours. Butthole. This one's good. Butthole. Why do my eyes keep smelling like a butthole? The smell. The smell. The smell.

The smell. Pretty good. It was like really powerful. Way better than break. Butthole. Butthole. My first song ever made. 90% of the time it's something that's actually kept

in the presets gone bad. Butthole. Butthole. It could be. Butthole. Butthole. But we don't eat anything that smells like buttholes. That's my favorite part.

Yeah, see between the three of us. That was your original song. Animal song was my original song. I made it with nothing but my computer. Same with you. Still better than what Nick Hawk did in the studio. What he did was really bad.

What he did was really bad and he should issue an apology song. He should make an album of songs that apologize for this whole album. That's a good idea. I'm apologizing. I'm the best apologizer around. For breaking a sweat.

Oh my god. Yeah, that whole album is really terrible. Yeah. Remember he's got the country song too? Oh boy. That was the only good one. These have no views. The view counts on them are so So weird.

Tiny, it's really weird. A dude farting has more counts than these. He has a video here that's been up for eight months. It's one of his songs that has 42 views. How is it to how? It's almost impossible to have that little view in eight months on anything. Oh, he did make, oh, remember what we watched

his official music video? That does have some views on it. At least people are checking in. Seeing what the Hawk is up to. Yeah, it was really bad, man. You're really bad at that. But you're not bad at hoeing. I've seen you ho.

This guy works out. He looks great. You're just a better hoe than you are working on my raps. Jesus. You know what made me laugh? Just sitting in my car today. It was just, LinkedIn is helpful.

LinkedIn is helpful. In my head I hear it and I giggle. And then I hear Joey Diaz going Lincoln then. Well, no fucking language to lose is on Lincoln then. He got so upset about that. I don't fuck with Lincoln then.

Lincoln. Lincoln then. Do I have, what's his name stuff here? I used to have his stuff marked. I'm breaking a sweat. LinkedIn is helpful. It's not a joke.

I don't give a shit. Don't say a fucking thing. Did you get it, asshole? He used to get so mad. I know. That was the best part. I know what I think. He's such a crazy person. Don't bring up your mom's house.

That guy, so crazy. Okay, so this, by the way, there's something we always, we always want to pay credit to the best of the best. The people that really

do it right. And there's not, you know, there's always an argument for who is the champion? Who's the best? Here we go. I got a 2001

Chevrolet Suburban, you know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? That one's great. That's so great. Classic. There's so many great ones. You know what I'm saying? YKWIS. And this is,

right, this is it there. This is the Diego Sanchez. The majority of this sport is really just all about the mental aspect of it. You know, I believe it's first and foremost, it's the training that you put in in the gym.

That's what's going to give you that base mental strength because you're going to believe in yourself because of the hard work that you put in the gym. And as far as it goes for me, once you step in that cage, of course, it's all mental.

You have to have 100%, we have to be 100% at the time when it's time. You know what I mean? Not 100%, right before the fight, it's 100% when it counts, when it's all on the line. Interesting.

I think he has a lot of good things to say. I like that he varies between you knows, and he says, you know what I mean? He really articulates it. Sometimes it's, you know what I mean? But he goes, you know what I mean? It's not that common.

But I agree, I do like that he varies the you knows, you know what I mean. But he's also clear with them. It's a different kind of you know what I'm saying. I also feel bad for these three guys. What changed for you after the second loss? You know. They just get their heads beaten in so much.

That's true. You know, it wasn't really much that changed. I lost two close decisions that I wouldn't wish I could have had two more rounds, you know what I mean? But as far as that goes, it was learning lessons for me

and I had to make changes. And it was, those were fights where one was wrong, you know what I mean? It came down on a game plan. I didn't get hurt. I didn't get close to being submitted or knocked out. I had the wrong game plan.

I had the wrong, you know, the wrong people behind me, the wrong circle around me, and I had the wrong game plan in. You know, the you knows or not? I like him for the you know category. That was eight you knows and just that short clip. Let's check out the supercut. Let's see what we got.

What do you do? You know, you know, you know what I mean? You know what I mean? You know, you know, you know, you know that what I mean? You know what I mean? You know, you know what? You know normal.

You know what you know what I mean? I don't know. Good work good work. Well done. Good work blue band. Blue band, good work. Oh, it was great, he's kind of like a mellow, he's a mellow but I still think we're getting apart in how we're receiving these.

You know what I mean? Yeah, I think you're right. We're like, oh, it's not that much. Right. Because he's so chill. Because a lot of times, you know what I mean? Are really hype. You know what I mean? Yeah, this guy really is a kind of a lo- You know what I'm saying? Yeah. So, you know, you don't even really hear it sometimes. Right, right, right.

You know, you know, you know, like, you know, you know, you know. I give him the grease. Oh, yeah. I tell him there, put some on his finger. Stick it in his ass. And you know what I'm saying? Kind of like, fuck yourself. To loosen yourself up.

So, you know what I'm saying? That clip has made people angry in any clip. It's just prison rape. All right, so... Fuck yourself. Fuck yourself, you know?

To loosen yourself up a little bit. Is there anything worse than that? I don't know. You have someone say anything worse to you than that. Yeah. I'd rather just die. And it's really... Remember how well-thought-out that is?

Yeah. Where they go, the reason... Like, if that clip keeps playing, he tells you so that if he complains to the guards that he was raped, they can check that he's got grease on his fingers. So it looks like they're like, you know, he figured himself.

Oh, my God. So it's just like to cover themselves. So evil. Yeah, it's like, it's pretty bad. It's so crazy. It's pretty bad. Yeah. That's my favorite.

I will say of all the clips we've ever played on your mom's house, the gay guy getting fucked by imaginary gay ghost. Wait, what is it, guy? Homeless guy. Homeless guy getting raped by gay ghost. Fuck me. Fuck me.

Fuck me. Fuck me. Fuck me. Fuck me, man. Fuck me. Fuck me. Fuck me. Fuck me in my ass.

Yeah. Fuck me in my ass, man. Shit. Yeah, just listening. Shit. Fuck me in my ass, man. The video is wonderful. Fuck me in my ass.

Shit. Yeah. Oh, shit. Oh, shit feels good. Oh, shit feels good. Fuck me in my ass. Fuck me in my ass. Fuck me in my ass.

Fuck me in my ass. Fuck me in my ass. Fuck me in my ass. Fuck me in my ass. Fuck me in my ass. Fuck me in my ass. Really crazy. So good.

And I always am envious of the person that recorded it. Because there's one point in the video where he's like shaking from laughing so hard. I'm like, man, I wish I could have cut the gay guy. I mean, the homeless guy getting raped by the gay ghost. I know. Why don't I get to see cool stuff like that? Oh, God.

That's a good one. That's a classic one, too. The whole reason I'm playing these is because I still am looking for the ultimate, you know what I'm saying? I can't find it. Is that the Shug Knight? Oh, that's my favorite.

I don't see it anymore. I don't know where it went. It's really, really upsetting to me. Because I remember it's an early on one, you know? Sometimes you... That was one of the first UISs. Goddamn. You want to pause and look?

Yeah, I do, actually. Good. As I get left with most of my meal while my boyfriend goes to take a shit for a few minutes, and she's got half a cheeseburger, all her fries, and then she has a picture of him walking to the toilet.

I saw it earlier today. I retweeted it. I'm going to retweet that shit, too, man. The fight is real. The fight is real. The struggle. For us women, they got guys who got a shit halfway through the meal. I should start with a group for women

who are just stranded alone in restaurants. Husbands and boyfriends abandon them to go shit. That's such a BS story. It's the story of our life together. Please. No. There he is.

I tried to say this on one of those two shows. I have a job. Just a total non-sequer. What can people expect to see at your show? I never had a job before in my life until I started working. You know, in and out of jail.

You know what I'm saying? Did a little bit of everything. You know what I'm saying? It's the best. That was the best you know what I'm saying today. He doesn't say shit, and he says you know what I'm saying. It's amazing. It's how you do it.

It is how you do it. That's the exemplary. You know what I'm saying. Shit, I have a job day in my life. For a style way. Does a job help you happy? Happy. Master of accents.

What region is that? That's probably like Northwestern UK. Northwestern UK? Interesting. Can you pinpoint a region? Specifically,

it's probably six kilometers south-south east of Wales. Oh, it's Welsh? Yeah. Oh, I didn't say that. Yeah. Good. You're really good.

Yep. Anyways. Can we talk about how we got your parents hooked on the bidet? They're really, really hooked now. First of all, we came back from the baptism and I had found out the top dog's shit on our toilet while we were away. Not on that, in it.

You know what I'm saying. He used our turlet and I didn't know that. So let's back it up. What would happen? Oh, he was just like, oh my god. Oh, buddy. It's real neat. The water just goes right up in the asshole. Yeah.

He had to move a little bit to the right spot, but he's like rewipes not nearly as bad. It's real environmental to do that. And we gave him the super deluxe toilet paper. Yeah, there's a Patreon episode where, and a lot of times we open the PO box gifts

on Patreon episodes. Somebody sent this high grade toilet paper from Japan. Beautiful. Really nice stuff. I mean, each roll is individually wrapped in like a lacy

goily. And I gave it to him and he was like, all right. He was so excited. He was more excited than like his grandson. That's what I'm saying. Like there was Alice and then there was the unveiling of the toilet paper. But the real kicker was that

Charo was like, oh man. She goes, we have to get one of these. The bidet, yeah. She's hooked. Actually, it's called something else. I'm not sure what we have. They have a name for it. It's by Toto.

They come and they install. They sing a song and then they put it in there. It's called a washlet. And you turn it. It's gonna take a lot of wipes to get away from you. How's it go? There's nothing that a hundred wipes can ever do.

I don't remember that being the thing. They sing about it every day. So many wipes in your asshole. So many wipes. You got to splash, splash away the pool.

So much brown. I took a brown in the middle of the night. I was terrified that I could wipe away. I can't believe I browned in Africa. That's what it is.

I browned in Africa. What about, no, I know what it is. That's another ending brown. No, it's my chart on the way to Africa. Oh yeah. I sharded on the way to Africa. I sharded on the plane.

That's what it is. Nick Hawk, are you listening? I think you found your muse. Oh man. You need a bit. Kick his ass and kick her ass. Kick the guy's ass. I can't even fucking see.

He's got to take himself a little less seriously. Come on. I got to think of the song. It's gonna happen. Do you want to hear another masterful accent? I'd love to, yeah.

Just tell me one time again. I'm gonna have to go back so. I'm past this station and go right bridge and go so. Go back so. Yeah. It's like I carry a machine gun or a machine gun. Wait, wait, wait.

I'll put on this. I'm gonna show you how to go across the bridge and go down. Shit. Just go over. That's like. Like the Irish bar guys to a degree.

Like I can pick up words in there, but that is really impressive. That is quite an accent. Quite his patois. Patois. Thick. Very.

This is. Jamaican. Yeah. My mother would pronounce it. Jamaican. One time I went to Jamaica. Why do you keep saying it like that? Why did she say it like that?

Jamaica. I don't know. She pronounced everything wrong. Down. I heard him say down. I had to go to the Balaclava shop. There's a Balaclava shop down the street. Balaclava shop. And Balaclava.

The shit that you put on your face before you pussy ride. Where's them? Balaclava. Okay. Who knows what the fuck this guy is saying? What? Cross the bridge.

Cross the bridge. We got the bridge part down. Cross the bridge. You take your shit and wine. You take your shit and wine. You take your shit and you go down. One person goes down.

One man called Father. He just wanted to hit him. It was crazy. Florida. Oh, you got to Florida. You take your shit and wine. You take your shit and wine. You take your shit and wine.

And you say okay. These guys were blown away. Because they were video recording it. They're recording it. This guy's accent is thicker than ours. This guy's insane. They speak the same dialect. Wow.

That was intense. I'm scared to try to intraslate it. I know. I feel like it's code for like and then kill Tom Segura. It's the machete in hand. The machete in hand is a bit intimate. It's very common though in some parts of the world.

Because you're actually using them to walk. To cut stuff. Because the jungle is so thick. Oh my God. Oh boy. Here's another accent. Oh man, look at this fucking thing. Holy shit.

What is that fucking thing? That's a big flounder. That's a flounder man. Let's pull it in Jay. Come on. If that's a flounder, let's pull it in Jay. That's a fucking fish bite. No you know what it is.

Let's fucking hook that shit. And we'll be on the fucking news man. The fucking guys. I think this is more Bill Burr. Oh right, right, right, right. Will you look at this shit? Oh my God Jay. Oh my God Jay.

Look at this fucking thing. Jay, let's get it. Let's get it. I wouldn't fuck with that thing. Look at the fucking thing. That's a tuna bro. Tuna bro. It's not a tuna.

How about you leave it alone? Oh man, Jay, let's pull it in Jude. Look at that fucking thing. Don't do it. What is that fucking thing? If you don't know what it is, don't put it on your boat. Oh my God, look at this thing. Oh my, look at this fucking thing.

Dude, it builds new hours also. Holy shit. This is it. Holy shit, Jay. Oh my God. Jay's got a little fucking fish in the hook. Are you shitting me? That's the hook you come. Actually if Bill did a video of him saying oh my fucking god

to fish for an hour, I'd buy it. Yeah, I feel like it's pretty funny. Of course. Look at the fucking size of this thing. Jay, pull the fucking thing in. I would definitely buy it. I would definitely watch it. Oh man. This is something we've been wanting to talk about

for a while here. This is a maze, a maze, a maze. Take your browns in Africa. First, I will read you a couple of emails. Well, here's a... Wait, did you get diarrhea in Africa? In Africa? When we were there?

I did, from the salads. Not until the very end of our trip. You stopped eating all the... That's what I was eating, tomato salads at midnight and I finally got diarrhea in Africa. And I was expecting it much sooner. This was on Reddit about poop pile. Oh please.

It says on a backpacking trip a couple of friends and I all pooped in the same spot. Then took turns shooting the pile with a 38. That's from Giant Robot Q. Lately I've noticed that my community could really use a poo pile. Just hearing the main mom, water champion speak on how the pile brought people in his community

together made me realize we need to pull our jeans up and become a family community. I could really use some tips and advice on how to get the momentum going on this. I mean, I don't want to poop just anywhere. I want to make it somewhat discreet but at the same time accessible to anyone in the neighborhood. Any advice is appreciated.

Thanks. Big bag and zigzags. Hey, real great question and I'd love to help. I'll tell you how we did it when we were in Timberwood in North Carolina. Lies, lies, lies, lies. It was a community, an apartment complex that was surrounded by

woods, you know, like brush. So it was real easy to one of the backyards laid basically right upon where the woods started. So we just went a few feet back into there and then on a tree we just built a

like a seating area and cut a hole in it so that anybody could go up this kind of makeshift ladder that was on a tree and then you just start telling people about it word will spread and pretty soon you'll have mothers and fathers and...

Neighbor kids you said last week, neighbors. Yeah, all of them. Now what's interesting is that the story has changed since you first told it to me about how the poop pile was constructed. No. You didn't mention a tree before. Of course it was a tree.

This is the first time I've heard of a tree and you go, yeah, we just remember the ladder, but you told me it was just a ladder and then you would shit off the ladder and then that's how the poop pile started. It's a ladder steps, but it's on a tree.

How does that even make sense and how would you shit off of something like that? Well, you just sit there. Off the tree. You're climbing a tree. And how do you relax enough to shit off of a tree ladder? Well, most people would go up when they really had to go. So it wasn't like as far as relaxing

to go. You had to shit. I mean, a lot of people just sprayed really little shit. And your toilet paper, how did you carry that while climbing the ladder while having to shit? Go ahead. You're not climbing a ladder. Oh, now you're not

climbing a ladder. You just said it was a ladder. Ladder implies a metal traditional ladder. These are stairs that are nailed to a tree. So it's like okay, that's different than the first time I heard about it. Well, I just that we called it a ladder. Okay, it's all lies. No, it's not.

Is there anybody out there in the city of Los Angeles that is a certified lie detector person right into the show, your mom's podcast at gmail.com. And I would like to set Mr. Cigar up with a actual with a lie detector test. Why don't you just have people call in that

pooped off of it because you tell your dumb friends this idiot story because you've you've gotten your friend. You've already done this where you're like, here, talk to Justin and then he'll be like, yeah, the poop piles real, Christina. Talk to Casey. Yeah, it's because you've prepped them before. I'm not a moron.

Oh my God. Just like this, Josh Potter, sorry, with the cigarette burns at house, at house on your thumbs last week. He was there. He saw it happen. The vagrant who put cigarettes out on your thumbs couldn't jump over the parking meter.

They burned my thumbs. Yeah. He was there the next day. He saw them fresh. They look like cigarette burns. Okay. Are you done, Blue Band? Sure. How dare you try to support this idiotic story.

Got another email. Cookie thief theory. Hey, mommies, I have a theory and the cookie I'd like to explore. We've all been racking our brains over the past several weeks wondering why Bird is so fat and pretty convinced he has been breaking into people's homes, cramming all their

sugary baked goods down his giant Louisville belly. Just like a bloated Santa Claus only fatter. Your honor, let's look at the facts, Yana. Mr. Christia, a.k.a. Big Fat Burt was known acquaintance of the cookie holders. He had firsthand knowledge of the layout of the home where the cookies were being held.

His tubby ass was able to sneak in and gobble down that fucking cookie. I submit that we enter the cookie wrapper that was cares we left at the scene for fingerprint analysis. I'm sure we'll be able to lift a perfect print due to the defendant constantly has greasy fingers from all the fried chicken and fat and

hand he consumes each day. I feel this is a calculated crime perpetrated by season fat fat fat fat fat pro let's let the truth be told finally gets insight as to why bird is so fat keeping your jeans nice and tight stay hydrated. Jinx. Jinx really good

point really great email. I would have an update by the way on the battle but I think I have to at least regroup with Bertrand first and and and kind of share with him what's going on. You mean that the numbers and the tallies yeah yeah we basically had

a tally going a running tally on which team people are on either on team Bert or team Tom and if you're in team Bert you're buying a Tom is fat shirt and if you're on team Tom you're buying a bird is fat shirt and it's been it's been an intense

week you know there's a lot of back and forth we put a lot of promos videos up we really you know he actually was surprised but he actually did get a few hardcore people on his side that really tried to light me up I know but it was

it's it's pretty still feels pretty one sided to a large degree. Well because the truth you know you can't and I will say this his most die hard like his most devout fans are not funny right right like they're they're the dumbest

and then right they are so dumb right and I'm like I know why you're a Bert fan you know and then like our most devote devoted fans are so fucking funny yeah they're smart and funny yeah they're like comedy right listen to our show

yeah but he's real just I you know it's funny I just thought about this is like his mouth is always open it's all he's always he's always been a mouth breather yeah just aesthetically that's not a good intelligent you're also going to draw in types that are like

mouth breathers of course yeah yeah they're very dumb um yeah why is it so fun to do stuff to him and why why I don't I think because I have to say this this needs to be said this needs to be said the reason

that this got legs is misinterpreted as being because of me what where my report to the FBI would be that the real driving force behind this was

you know oh yes I don't mean it's not something to even defend it's because it was like week two of the bird is fat stuff and I was like it's like you know like we have these inside jokes and you're like we're really going to do it and you started

to go bird is still fat and you started to tweak that and hashtag it and you started to say why are you calling me out man I'm trying to be the quiet driving force because you took so much joy in this I know I just I don't think it's something to be ashamed of

right I think you deserve the credit thank you I appreciate you giving me credit I feel like I did have I feel like you're not giving credit right on it and you deserve thank you I appreciate you acknowledging me in this whole debate and I can't wait for Burt to really

wrap I want him to fully get at some point that you're a driving force you know what I like to do is you're people don't realize that you're also 10 year friends with him yeah I mean oh yeah Burt you've been with the crisis from vacations with them many years we've

loved the crisis for many years but I like to I'm always a kind of shit mixer that doesn't from behind the scenes I like to shit mix behind and then watch it unfold yeah like an evil even on those trips now I'm thinking about it even when we went to Hawaii with them for that show

that whole trip oh my god you and I and his wife were like hey Burt why don't you close your mouth yeah why isn't so much fun to shit on Burt because you know there's something about you know he can take it and you know he likes basically any type of attention that's true

so that's why it's not like somebody who can't roll with it right if you are really devastated we would never do this to him no no and he'll be like it's really like I like when he goes to see the videos that blue band

put together of you guys yeah you haven't seen those yet oh my god it's so funny because he's like crazy that's so ridiculous I think maybe that's the joy of it too he's like yes

yeah actually I saw the video you guys did where you're both shirtless and talking yeah and he totally looks way fatter than he actually in all honesty I don't I really wouldn't know outside of those videos what the actual

you know percentages would come down to but he looks horrible in his fat shaming video he looks like he just got off a bender he's like I'm so fat dude it was really great that he sent those in

yeah yeah was he trying to cast some shadows on his shoulders and stuff to make them appear thinner or more muscular or how funny it was great he was really a great great sport

through this whole thing yeah he's great I think but I think the way he's built yeah it the fat stays on I say this like it sticks to him right super fat right the way that he's built I'm saying it's more apparent if he has

weight gain oh yeah where how he gains weight I think right he looks if he gains 5 pounds it looks like he put on 20 yes just because of where it hangs kind of thing he actually is very fortunate though he does have that thing such an animal where he can just cut out booze

for a week and he'll be and lose like 20 pounds that's the whole key to this is that Bert can stop being fat if he stops drinking for a week it's I know that's all he will he's gonna do it he got so psychologically damaged by this that watch the next time you see him you're

gonna be like oh my god did you lose 30 pounds he'll be like yeah it's been four days of our drink four days right 48 hours thinned down yeah you know it's so funny I just remember like Leanne stories about what an animal live it like he's such an animal

do you know that he works out and then he just hoses himself off in his back behind his man cave he has like an outdoor he calls it an outdoor shower but I think he just hoses himself down instead of is that really surprise you

a little a little I don't think it's that surprise and then when he Leanne said when he cuts his nails remember this he puts out scotch tape and then he puts the nail clippings on the scotch tape and then tapes it under

the table yeah yeah now he's a real animal um I wanted to read you this but first so grow how much free time how does he have that much free time he's got two kids who's got that kind of time he's Bertrand so um poor Leanne there are a lot

of pronouns out there like a huge amount and we're like people are like slowly and slowly adding more so the two most common ones are he and she he has is traditionally considered a male pronoun you know we got that he can't see another female um so if um

now so then they're also gender neutral meanings attach them at all which is super cool um and there are so many of them the most commonly used is they they is traditionally plural commonly used is they they is traditionally plural but we already

used in the singular form to like maintain people's anonymity like if you just don't know what their gender is you'll be like oh I was talking to a student and they told me blah blah blah totally normal next most common I've seen is Z Z can be spelled a bunch of different ways

okay you get it right so can I say something before we go into I this email I know you're gonna read is because it's great yeah it is great and the thing is is I was thinking about this guy's video all week I was thinking about him and what if I did because I do come across people whose gender

I'm not certain of yeah but I think it's more rude to be like hey man what are you what's your pronoun bro are you a guy or girl like I think it is rude more insensitive than just rolling with who the person is and being like listen when you're ready to tell me you'll tell me

I think I think it should be on the person who is if they have a strong desire to have a pronoun a different whatever because I there are people that I come in contact with weekly I would say at the comedy clubs I don't know

exactly what they are and yeah I just shut the fuck up about it and I'm nice to them of course I you know just you know just be nice just fucking yeah be polite so here's an email we got it says trans mommy on gender pronouns here we go okay okay good hey mommy's big fan I'm

a 27 year old transgender woman who would like to help way in on the whole pronoun issue thank god now we've been wanting to email me personally I think going beyond he or she pronouns is a bit ridiculous good I mean get your life

it's not hard to tell if someone would like to be referred to as he or she and it isn't hard to respect that of course I'm a bit offended when I'm misgendered because I'm obviously living life as a woman that total sense I mean my genes nowadays are the highest and

tightest probably the best plus for being both a trans and a full-on mommy so don't feel obligated to call someone they because I mean come on it's a bit much thank you although I respect it because who might judge anyway just my thought

ps you're both real mommies to me but Tommy is clearly the water champ rude I like to birth so fat with much love know what I'm saying Ricky thank you Ricky but it's nice that a trans person weighed in on

gender now of course the there's somebody's gonna hear this and be like yeah but what if you're not male or female but you can tell that's also part of the thing yeah sometimes you can tell it's somebody who is a male

and who's presenting as a female you can tell that sometimes if they're wearing a dress but maybe he looks you know it looks like a masculine guy in a dress then you know to call that person a she because she's presenting you know feminine yeah and you know

couple of emails here about your problem about the water battle I had a chance to see the main mommy in San Diego Friday night aside from the retarded person in the front row he killed it about halfway through the show good retarded it's I'm telling you with your act

I know I'm finally doing it I noticed something curious so proud of that halfway through the show I noticed something curious Tom's water was completely full the cap seal had clearly been broken and I know I saw him bring the bottle up to his mouth at one point

this led me to believe he was taking Yorkie sips and I was hurt however someone in the crowd yelled out hydrate and like the champ of drinking water he is he managed to take two magnificent gulps nearly emptying the bottle sorry mommy Tina

you can't win against natural talent like that great show Tom thank you very much and thank you to everybody that came out to the American comedy company in San Diego in the ass lamp district I had a great time and mainly a whole minute yes

now don't you think a water champ doesn't need to be prompted by the audience someone needed to scream hi hi right see he knows you know I did you know I did for one show I walked out on stage you did I don't want to on my entrance

and opened the bottle and did it and they all went drink drink drink drink and I know that other people they were like why are they chugging so silly and then I threw the bottle and I was like and then I had a full water belly for a whole show

that's so gross can I tell you somebody left a water bottle at our house one of our relatives unreal and I have been using it all week it's over and it is fantastic I think it's for bicycling oh it's like a sports bottle with a nice nipple that doesn't

leak when you put the bottle there's only one or two options for that of whose Mario or her husband well it's mine now yeah who else drinks I stole your water bottle I love it another email from whatever it seems so far as clear to me Tom is the water champ enough

lies propaganda it just says there's a clip here and Tina takes microscopic sips of water bullshit yeah she doesn't hydrate enough she really throws up your key good is that a clip of just

your key I don't like where this is I mean it's pretty and by the way where did you find that the way you said how'd you get a hold of that yeah there you go you're coughing water

because I drink so much so fast no it was a tiny little sip it wasn't a tiny little sip you guys are the worst I hate both of you right now hmm well there's a lot of there's a lot more it just basically says I'm the best you're the worst

you know what I am the new champion of you and I discussed this a couple weeks back is that I am the alone champion meaning I can be alone much longer and better than you no it's true I'm really good at being isolated

and I love being alone you even accuse me of being the alone champion you're like you can just be alone I want your company I want you to be next to me that's not a lie that's not true don't we have a joke even when I want to be an alone dog

what's our joke when I'm an alone dog what do I do I go out to the window and I babe you're always telling me you're telling me that you feel like it doesn't even matter to me if I'm with anybody ever

that's just your antisocial you're just antisocial I'm just meaning like you're like top dog it doesn't matter if people talk to you or not but I'm the alone champion no I'm the alone champion you guys know what to do I'm way better at solitude

I grew up alone I'm an only child I hid from my parents my whole life I would say it's not even close I'm the alone champion you're not even in the top 10 we'll see about that let's go on a meditation retreat and see who can last longer babe I would last 25 years

you can't even meditate you don't meditate bullshit when's the last time I did the fucking last week I went to my class with all the hippies fucking liar here you are look at it you're making bluebear uncomfortable

what do you mean he was uncomfortable just now why was he emotionally uncomfortable I don't know were you I sensed you were comfortable but they are getting out of control let's go Karina, Sierra, Yuz and this ICP clown bullshit

whatever he's called that's just like a little clown gang or something the insane clown posse is our favorite band all the juggalo family does is sometimes they care how to act do y'all understand what they're singing about

they're singing about murder I have to like cops if a police officer get into my face it would probably be me yelling right back into his face I cannot wait for Ellis to get like this never he sees me and he's like

it's a bitch this is called shitty parenting this is the only way you let this shit happen this shit just doesn't happen this could have been me this was you you gotta make up all kinds of stuff

you gotta neglect the shit do you think it's your parents that made you go down that path there's no reason the kid turns goth unless there's a lot of other stuff happening you know what I mean you don't get goth in a vacuum so you were goth as a means of acting out of course

because they were ignoring me and whatever drama and then you hang out the wrong kids you drift into bad groups whose parents aren't paying attention to them and then next thing you know you're painting your face and going to fucking dumb concerts that's why I got fat

I used to be scared of everything but now I'm not I grab snakes and I usually chop their heads off whoa that's the beginning of a bad fucking Ted Bundy's childhood that's what snake did

it's the same thing call me snake look at those eyes you can tell it's always in the eyes yeah yeah she's gonna have problems call me snake cause I ain't a fighter chop their heads off she's gonna be in jail not a lot of emotion I'm Korean I'm 16

I fight, I run away and I'm disrespectful I do not like being told what to do there you go girl I got into this one really serious fight I grabbed her by the neck and slammed her down on the ground it felt pretty good yeah well you're angry

you can't suck this is my favorite by the way like in the 90s too when kids were bad and on Jerry Springer and then they try to use tough love against the kid who's already like fucked at home why are you so bad it's like well cause your parents suck

why do you think they're so bad it's not their fault unreal I'm sorry kiddo I'd adopt you if I could we gotta go anything else you need to throw in there I'm the alone champion I love you

bye jeans you know he's getting the most even 22 hot dogs, no reason to boast trying to surrise lippies and I'll go coast put the walk down please dive be as close you took the soul in your feet but you wasn't even close you boba laddie fatty boba laddie

look at your language going down the tubes when you can't even reach to shave those pews you boba laddie fatty boba laddie I said you got four chins and a big old gut you'll take a look at you she'll never bust a nut fatty boba laddie

fatty boba laddie a burnt crisis is gross I said it's so damn gross thanks for watching don't forget to like and subscribe see you next time