Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 354-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: July 27, 2016

Sometimes really scary moments, like blood dripping from your butt, can produce magical results, like Ari's farts. We have some for you. Does Dani sing a song for us? Well you Daniacs are gonna find out! (and it might involve a little baby named Hitler) Plus we have strictly friendly sports, a new dildo from Nick (AJ?) Hawk, and Doug Stanhope weighs in on the #FATBATTLE.

I Do I Shadow burg with I Finger my ass

I shadow dance with my hands Finger my ass Burt is fat Burt Burt Burt Burt

Burt Burt Burt Burt Burt Burt is fat Burt Burt

Burt Burt Burt Burt That's the best. Man, that's Ali Zeezer. Oh my God. Did he change his name?

Yeah, yeah, this is the classic Ali that always submits really good songs to us. Holy shit, man. We're respecting his pronouns now, it sounds like. That is a, he always does amazing work. That was so, you know what that reminds me of? A goth song I used to dance to by Visage.

Really? Yeah, that was great. That was fantastic. I want to listen to that in the car. I know. Just jam out. Yeah, I get down to stuff like that. Me too.

Burt is fat. That was the best part. My finger in my ass. This is Hoodat by Brian Marshall, instrumental. Thank you, Brian. B-B-B-B-Burt is fat. Burt is fat. What do you got, Jeans?

Oh, here we go first. Okay, I'll start off. September 27th. Hold on, you got me by surprise. You never let me go first. Come on. You got me by surprise. I have a copy up on my phone.

You want one of the suggestions that came in for one of your cities? Yeah, I do. In that ass and puss. In my asshole lips. Sorry, that's for any outlet. Let's start with Seattle. September 27th, Seattle. I got Skeet and Hole.

Watch Me Come. Fuck My Stoma. Come In Me Club. Fuck My Stoma. Watch Me Come. Wow. That's a lot. September 27th, Seattle.

Tacoma Comedy Club. September 28th, Portland. Move your goddamn phone. I'm reading dates off of it. September 28th, Portland. Shartland, Oregon. At Helium Comedy Club. October 4th.

Portland. Portland, yeah. October 4th, Dallas. Tejas. What's Dallas? Dallas. October 5th, Pustin. Duh.

Texas, the secret group. Houston. Houston. Texas, the secret group. October 23rd, Indianapolis. In the asset fits. Indian asshole zits. In my asshole lips.

In that ass and puss. At Morty's Comedy Club. Thanks Carl. Thanks Carl. For those submissions. And then October 24th. And since, since he shat on me. That's fantastic.

Sit on my fatty. Sit on your daddy. Or save some for daddy, Ohio. Those are great. Go bananas. And then December 9th and 10th. Washington, DC at the DC improv. All tickets are at thousand ranch.com.

Yeah. Don't you hate when people say Warshiton? Yeah. Thousand Ranch. Come see me guys. Well, I got a cunt loaded date. Starting August 4th. I'm in Timonium.

Just outside of Baltimore. I'm a gooby. Is that the real name? Yeah. What's Timonium? Let's Timonium. Sounds like perinium. Perinium.

I'm in perinium. To lick my. To lick my gum. To lick my gum. Timonium. I mean, to lick my gum. Maryland. Then come on my bus.

Ohio. That's August 11th and 13. Then the big announcement. The reason I had to move a few things. We haven't decided on the show. I'm doing the oddball tour. A lot of great comics on the lineup. Sebastian Maniscalco.

I know. Gaffigan's doing a date. I think Brian Regans doing a date. John Oliver is doing one of the dates. Then Mulaney. A bunch of people are on them. Even they even created a space for Bort Chrysler to come on. You're kidding.

Bort Chrysler? Yep. He's the fattest working comedian in Hollywood. Today, yeah. How are they going to find a jet for him to fit on? Oh, no, no, no. He has to drive. That's why he's only doing a few because they can't drive.

All like some local. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, Eliza. A couple. It's a lot of people. So Eliza Schlesinger. She's doing it.

And it all starts August 25th in West Palm Beach at the perfect vodka amphitheater. We go all over, man. Of course, I'm only doing short sets. That's the way this stuff works. Yeah. How does it explain to people what they'll say? Yeah. The way that this works is that there's like a big name every night, like a, you know,

a bigger comic, big name, comic. I mean, some nights, like I said, it's bigger as in fatter. No, it's a, you know, a bigger ticket draw. So some nights it's like Sebastian, like I said, Brian Regan. Dane Cook's doing a few. Go to Oddball and you can check out all the links are on my site. So you can see that. And the way it works is that all the comics that are kind of not as known, we do, you

know, 15 minute sets, usually something like that. And then the big, there's an intermission. It's a long show. So there's intermission. A guy does like 30 or 40. They take a break. You come back. The, the rest of us do like the 15 minute sets.

And then, um, then the big name will close out, do a 40 minutes. What a fun show. I mean, it's, they're all doing a few. There's all home runs. Yeah. And we're doing, like I said, West Palm, Tampa, Atlanta, Chicago, Toronto, Hartford, all over the place, man. Um, when that finishes October 2nd, I go to Charlotte, North Carolina on the October 14th.

And then I go to Manfran disco. Oh, there's more names for that. Well, that came in. I wanted to, to be a Pat in Rhode Island submitted manhand, manhand fist hole, blue bands, piss hole, very good. Blue bands, piss pole. Yeah. Blue bands, niche hole, fem men, lick pole and tan man, squish pole.

Wow. And it also said, what about Kim and asshole? Oh, no, that's the best one. You really killed it. Kailed it. KMA. So those are all, all dates. Go to Tom cigarette.com, click on the shows page and get your tickets now.

Uh, jeans, you want to get us started? Yeah. Bitsy's licking a blue band's leg. I think he's hot dog flavor. That's why you look a little hot doggy. Your skin tone today. All right. Jeans.

That was very good. That was very good. Schnitzel is obsessed with licking blue band right now. It's pretty funny. What kind of bird seed did you eat this morning in that hand? Just, you know, classic, classic mix. That's probably why. Ready for this?

I'm ready. All right. Let's go. Oh, there we go. It's so gross. How you feel, Harry? Pretty good. What are we in for?

Your tonsils? No. Uh, colonoscopy. Yep. Who is Ryan? Don't bring anyone loving to this. No mom in the fucking stand! Welcome, welcome.

Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura, Tom Tsutsu. Christina Pazitzi. Christina Pazitzi. Welcome to your mom's house. What happened to poor Ari? He had that colonoscopy. We were texting about it the other day.

He's awfully young for those. Don't you start at like 50? I don't know. Yeah. He has like asshole problems, I think, though. Oh, right. He always had a constipation. We've talked about this.

Crazy hemorrhoids, you know, like where his asshole would swell up. Doesn't he have like a prolapsed anal problem? Poor guy. Poor buddy. But then he said, um, he said they just, you know, you have so much air trapped in you after that. After they poke around in there to see. He goes, it feels like you're going to shit, but it's just farts. Interesting.

And he said, I mean, you just have to sit there and fart for, for what? Oh, it's our baby. Oh my God. I thought it was a dog. Sounded like a dog. Um, yeah. I mean, he's in the crate, right? You left him totally fine.

He's great. All right. Um, but yeah, Ari just said that these farts were nice. Interesting. How do you feel, Ari? Pretty good. Good. What were you in for?

Your tonsils? No, uh, colonoscopy. This is a fart. That's quite a fart. Do you have a gig tonight? Yeah. Cinderella. May not make that gig.

This is all one, one sitting, one salad foods. It's just gas. Yeah. Three more farts. Changes. It comes in waves like mushrooms. Look how bald he is. Isn't he so bald?

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, by the way, this is from, I think, OPI radio. Oh, they sent people to videotape Ari after that, you know, to get those farts. Oh, okay. Yeah. Um, yeah, Ari's are doing. So are you saying that he, but I think you shit everything out before the colonoscopy.

Yeah. Yeah. There's no more brown in you. You fast for the entire day. You're going to be doing this pretty soon. Yeah. I'm supposed to do this. This is what I have to look forward to.

Yeah. But I feel like you're always doing this anyways. I don't fart like that regularly. Come on. Like that all the time. You sit around. I've heard it. Last night, even though I'm a little congested, you farted a lot and I smelled it through

my. That was daytime. That wasn't last night. That was daytime. That was when I got. No, it was during the day. After I got off the flight, I had like some, some pretty raunchy farts. But that was like, no sleep, coffee, you know, okay.

That was pretty gross. All right. So wait, when are you going to do this? I'm scheduled to do it the 16th. I might not do it anymore. I was thinking about it. I'm sorry. Why?

I just don't think I need to do it. Why? Because I don't think I have, you know, anything to worry about. Sure. Okay. I'm serious. No, I know you are. That's, see, this is the problem is you are serious, but then.

Yeah. Then you shit your brains out every, every day, every week. No, I don't. I don't shit my brain all the time. You need to get to the bottom of this mystery. Out of my butthole. Yeah. No, I think you should stick to it.

All right. All right. Maybe I will. Maybe I will. I haven't decided yet. I might cancel. Please don't. Yeah.

I think I might cancel. What a nice version. It's a Hitler baby. No, I hear it. Yeah. That's a whole new level of Hitler stuff. Wow. You know,

what do you think she'll do your mom's house Christmas album? Um, I, I really hope she, she will. I mean, she. Hitler baby. We, uh, we would love to have her a part of it. Hitler baby. Danny, will you do a Hitler baby for the, your mom's house Christmas album? Hitler.

Would you? That's really cool. I think she would do it. I think she might. I think we have to have a, maybe a couple of adult signatures on that contract though. A couple of guardians need to sign off on. Right.

My old Danny. And a few other voices in her head too. Gotta get on board. Is Nathaniel going to shit in the album? Oh yeah. Actually. It's catchy. Hitler.

Huh? One direction movie. Oh. She loves one direction. Something in the oven tonight? Is that what she said? That's what it sounded like. Certainly it's creative.

It's creative. The talent's there. It just needs guidance. You know? She just needs a good producer. Quincy Jones. Her and DJ dad mouth together? Oh, maybe.

Yeah. Oh, check off my Christmas. I heard the same thing you heard. I'm going to check off the Hitler baby. Hitler honey. Hitler honey. Hitler honey. Hitler honey.

That's not all. That's not a lie. Oh my God. Oh, by the way, I should point out to our listeners. They can't see me right now. To those of you that don't know, we're on YouTube. We are always on YouTube every episode. I'm dressed very nicely today.

You look exquisite. I walked in the room and blew in and you were like, hey now, you look nice. And then I was like, well, I'm out of clean clothes. That's always the way it goes, right? Yeah. The dirtier your clothes, the nicer you dress. There's a lot of layering of posters going on here too. It's interesting choices.

Is that Lionel Messi right there? That's what I see. I'm sorry? Who? It looks like Lionel Messi. I don't know who that is. You don't know who the fucking most famous soccer player in the world is? No.

Okay. That's what I see. I see a sweet little Argentine boy. Aw. Might be a Jonas brother. Could be. But I have my eyes on football. Football.

Now you think she's a soccer fan? I think, well, she's a Hitler fan. Argentina. Hello. We just tied it all together. Oh, that's true. Wait a minute. That's how she discovered.

You just saw the mystery. That's the connection. Oh, interesting. Do you like football, Danny? I heard the song you recorded for Jesus' birthday. Are you a Messi fan? Hitler, darling. That's really creepy.

I'm so amazed by it. I really can't. I can't joke about it yet. I'm still processing. It's a lot. What I just saw. It is quite a bit. Ari's pretty bold to put himself farting on the interwebs.

But he was always like that. Right? Like he always put his asshole. And his dick. Yeah. I remember when he pulled his dick out. He did it at the Irvine. Right.

And probably they banned him for a while. Yeah. They just temporarily though. It's never. I remember I did. I've told this story before. We're talking like a few years in. I didn't really know.

I knew who he was. It's kind of intimidated by how dark his personality was. He was a weirdo. Yeah. Ari. And I was doing some West Side Show. And one of these little rooms with like 13 people. And Mike Black was on stage.

And then Ari walked into the room as Mike was on stage. Is that your phone? No? No. And he walked, Ari walked on stage with his, with a T-shirt, but no pants.

Oh. And no underwear. So just naked from the waist down. Oh, it's your phone. I don't think it is. Of course it is. It's right there. It's not it.

It's too far away. It's not too far. Mine's all the way down here. I hear it. I hear it. It's gone now. I hear it. I hear it.

I hear it. I hear it. It's gone now though. You have to put it like on the floor. Oh, here's Ari right here. I texted him. Shut up. What does he say?

I said, how are your results? Because we didn't get to talk about the results. He said, um, you know, they don't, it doesn't look like there's anything. Oh, good. So his asshole's good. Yeah. Um.

Great news. Let's see. Should we try calling him? Yeah, why not? Maybe I'll just see if he wants to talk for a second. Yeah. I'd like to hear more about those farts. I'm going to call you right now.

I think our audience needs to know too. Yeah. And what's your IBS situation? Mine. Yeah. Currently I'm in, I'm doing real well. That's why I don't feel like going. Interesting.

Why do you think that is? Just eating healthier. That's why I think it's just like food based. You cleaned up your diet is what you're saying. And now you're not browning as much. Yeah. Huh. That's interesting.

I know. Okay. How's yours? Because you have some smelly browns too. You know, I've been doing a lot of smoothie work lately. A lot of smoothies and that that's been helping me. Cleaning it up. Hey, I'll be out of the country for shrimp press.

I'll be back. Oh, God. I'm going to asshole. He just called. He just called me. Man. Friends are the worst. I know.

Oh, he wrote, I'll get off with your mom. Mm-hmm. Asshole. Okay. We try again. He's so weird about his phone. You know, he has a flip phone, right? You know that about him?

I do know that. Yeah. Why doesn't he want to upgrade? Hello. Hey. Hi, buddy. Hey, you're on a recorded line. Okay.

You're on a recording line? Yeah. You're on a recorded line because we were, we were just playing clips of you on our podcast. We were playing clips of you farting. And I was talking about how. Hi, Ari. There's Christina.

She said hi. Christina. Um, but like, can you take us through the process a little bit of the colonoscopy? Yeah. Okay. Sure. So you get there. Mm-hmm.

Oh, no, no. It's back up. So the whole day, what are you getting yours? August 16th, unless I cancel. You're not going to cancel it. God. Don't cancel it. Cause I just don't feel like I need it anyways.

Go ahead. Tell us about like the prep. Oh, okay. So two days before or more, you got to stop by. Right. You got to pick up some stuff. Miralax. And let me see what else people still have effect.

That makes you shit. Yeah. Yeah. Man. Yeah. And don't, don't collect. Oh, you got to. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Dude, one of those is powerful enough. So does that give you like, like powerful diarrhea or what? It makes, it just turns everything in your, in your bowels into just water. Oh. You know, you drink a lot of beer and then you like, like this shit, you know. Yeah.

Yeah. It's a liquid shit. Yeah. It's just that all day. It's, oh, you can't eat anything that day. You like, you can't eat them the midnight, the night before. And then no solid food the whole day before. Damn.

And then you should be like, so two days before you feel the light and then the whole day before. That's fine with me. I like that. Okay. So that's, You know, you're a nibbler. Yeah.

I'm like a fucking bird. So yeah. That's fine. And then wait. So wait. One more thing. Can I ask you what prompted you to want to do this? I didn't ask you why.

Oh, well, when I shit, I believe a lot. Oh no. Is it red blood or dark blood? Yeah. What color? Like red blood. So the doctor said it's probably just an internal hemorrhage. Okay.

Getting metamutile, but metamutile seems like an old person thing. It's not like pools of blood, right? Cause this is your last phone call ever if it is. It's not pools of blood, but although when I was in some hotel somewhere, I noticed like drops of blood from the bathroom, the toilet to the sink. Whoa. Ari, that's, that's scary, man. How long has it been that way?

Couple of years. Yeah. Oh, Ari. Jesus. Yeah. So you're dropping the drift. The drift wasn't only like a few months. So we're doing, we're doing biopsies though, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wait, what? What's a biopsy? Like they're, they're testing like, you know, from within you, like your, uh, tissue. The tissue within you. Yeah.

Yeah. First thing you want to look at it, what they want to do is just look at it. Get a good look. And then they found one polyp. So we're going to biopsy that. Okay. He said, he said it didn't look bad. Oh man.

It didn't look like anything. We got to do a kickstart for Ari. All right. So, um, Dude, but dude. Okay. So halfway through the day, we put the mix half a bottle, half that Mira Lex bottle. Yeah.

Like a 400 milligrams into like two different, um, 32 oz Gatorade and drink it every 30 minutes. Um, and within. So you start, then 30 minutes later, you drink another quarter of it. And then 30 minutes later, you drink another quarter of it. So like you're an hour in and that's when you're like, Oh my God. Oh my God. Wow. Man, just opened up just to down just open.

So you go in there and you're completely empty. Right. When you go in, you're totally done. Yep. You can drink liquid. They were for, so that keeps coming out. The liquid keeps coming out and keep dragging away any, like any rent of anything that's left in your, in your bow.

So you keep shitting and shitting and shitting and shitting. So why were you farting so much? That's after the colonoscopy though. Why? I don't understand. Because there's air being like pumped into you. Oh, I see. Yeah, they pump air into you.

They make you go into a hospital gown and then they, they, they put you in the room. They turn you over on your side. They give you the, they put you out through your wrist or something. Back of your hand. Happy juice. She called it. They put you out? They put you out.

Yeah. They should. You don't want to be awake for that. Yeah. You don't want to be awake. So I did not know that. And I mean, was it, was it like a turn on at all? Like were you aroused at all?

I had a bone. This is like a normal bone I had. Wasn't like out of, out of the ordinary. Right. No, it was, and it was one of the, it was something in Michael Jackson. The good stuff. Yeah. Okay.

So when you come to, you're just like, oh, we're like, we're done. And then, and then you're just full of air. 30, 40 minutes later, I was like, oh, I have a shit because I've been taking that mirror lacs all day. They were cool. I have been shitting every like hour and a half or so, you know? Yeah. So I'm like, now I really got a shit, but it's not shit.

It's just air. And how long? Cause those farts were awesome. How long do those farts last for? About two hours. Wow. Something down though. Like really force it out.

Yeah. It felt like I was shitting, but I looked at the toilet and there was nothing in there. Wow. You're going to have to come with me to this thing and bring the camera and stuff. Okay. Yeah. For sure. You should do that.

Um, so wow. Well, I hope you're okay. Hey, where do you have any dates this weekend? Where are you? Where are you going to be next? I'm going to be in, um, I'm going to be in, when is it coming out? Well, whatever. I'm going to be in Montreal this weekend, but then I'm going to Edinburgh for the whole

month of August. God, you're so crazy for doing that. Oh my God. Yeah. That's Scandinavia. Nice. All right, buddy. Well, you're traveling the world.

You're living it up. We hope your assholes. Okay. And, um, Dude, it's great. And they get such clear pictures of the inside of your rectum. Really? Like clear.

Nice frame. Those. Yeah. I'd like to see that. Like the tunnel, you know, Dr. Who, when he goes to the tunnel in time, it looks like that. Good. I'm glad your assholes a beautiful tunnel.

I can't wait to hear more. I'll let you know how mine goes. Yeah. I can't wait for you to do it. I mean, we'll be, uh, we'll be fun, buddy. Yeah. I can't wait. All right, buddy.

I'll talk to you later. All right. Bye, Ari. Good luck. Wow. That's what you have to look forward to. Are you stoked? I don't know.

I might cancel. So anyways, do you know, do you see red in the bowl too? When you go potty? No. No. You swear? Yeah. Do you think you have hemorrhoids?

Um, no, I don't think I have, I mean, I don't have hemorrhoid problems. It doesn't hurt. No. Okay. Well, that's good. All right. That sounds like that could be a problem when he's got going on. I think so.

Dripping blood? What? Yeah. But the hem, if it's, if it's bright blood, that's supposed to be better than dark blood, they say. Yeah, I know. Because it's like sterile. I thought it was his last phone call for a second.

Poor Ari. Aries. Aw. Guys, pray for Ari's butthole. Pray for it. Send him butthole wishes and, and compliment him on those farts. Why don't you give him- Those are intense.

By the way, a bunch of people told me they were doing my line to like their girlfriends and stuff of want to hear a cool fart and they're going, want to hear a funny fart. That's not how you say it. No, it's wrong. It's want to hear a cool fart. Right. And then when they like turn fart, sometimes people don't say yes. So that you still wait a beat, but it's always, you want to hear a cool fart.

And just, right. And then for, and just for the women listening, you can say no. You can't say no. And I say no almost all the time. Yeah. Want to hear a cool fart? No. That's how you do it.

And then yeah, that's actually how it goes in the house. Yeah. Yeah. Cool. You know, I really appreciate your fan next to the bed that you- Man. Dirt on. I hate your fans so much.

I know. Because it makes me feel like I have a fever. It's one of those tower, sort of those tower fans. I feel feverish and sick when I sleep with cold air blowing on me all night. Yeah. I angle it so it doesn't go on. But it, it still trickles down to me, but what, what, it doesn't make you feel sick or weird.

I don't like it. I don't know. Sick or weird? I don't know. Makes me feel like I have a fever or something. Makes me feel cool. Girl. I hate it.

I like it. Men do that. No, we have this thing. I know. My dad has slept with a fan. Yeah. It's so gross. But like our baby, my wife is convinced is cold even though, even when it's a hundred

and six outside. Yeah. So the air conditioning, which I would have down to like 66 is at like 75. So yeah, I need the fan. Okay. He's a baby though. He's, he's, they need, they need one more layer than you do. Okay.

He's fine. Okay. No, he is fine because I keep it nice and warm in the house. Every time I pick him up from a nap or something, it's just like heat just coming off of his body. He's too hot. Yes, I do. I think you should drop it another degree or two.

Seriously. All right. All right. No, another 73 is fine. I usually do 73. Okay. Let's, let's do it. Yeah.

All right. Um, baby, let's talk about the fact that I'm wearing a Danny shirt, you know, it almost all went to shit. You're going to talk about that on, on the air. Should I not? I mean, unless you want to hurt Danny's feelings. No, I don't want to hurt Danny's feelings. Don't do that.

Okay. Just a long story short, there was a miscommunication on the order. Yeah. Are you going to get mad at Danny about it? No, he said he's trying to fix it. Yeah. I mean, we, we had a shame. They got it.

It was an honest mistake. I think jeans. He's, it's a language barrier thing. He speaks English. Yeah, but not perfect. He's, it's a second language for poor Danny. Yeah. What's his real name?

I mean, his, not Americanized name. Big words. Um, his real name, I don't know. He go, actually I deal with Alex. Oh, so it's Alex's fault. Yeah. But he speaks fluent English. Well, it's fine.

We're, we're all good. We're all good. You're right. I shouldn't try to make it. I'm not trying to, I was just going to tell the story, you know. I know, but yeah, that juju. Yeah. Can we talk about our sushi experience, please?

Okay. Yeah. Go ahead. We went to a new place in our new neighborhood. It's supposed to be like a really nice, and it is a really nice place in the, the fish was amazed. Like it was so good. Yeah.

It's, um, it's also like very popular. This is one of the, uh, I would say it's on lists, you know, it's like on the foodie lists, right? Get up. Yeah. Which is why we were so excited to go in and try it and we got a babysitter and all that stuff. And we went in and we did omakase, which is where the chef brings you what he selects.

So we're like, great, let's keep it coming, bro. Like, and we should point out that when we do usually go to sushi, we never do omakase because, you know, we know what we like. Is that what I said? I think that's what you said. Omakase. Yeah. Um, we always know what we like and we go, no, you know, we'll do this, we'll do this

order. But this time we handed it over. You guys do it. Yeah. Well, and what happened was everything was great. It was great. Amazing. But they parceled it out like two bites at a time.

They're like, here's two more bites and you're like, I'm fucking, let's eat, man. We went hungry. When are we going to eat? And it would be like, they're like, okay, so you're going to get all these things. We're like, great. So the first thing comes out as a plate, we just get a plate and it has two pieces of fish on it. Delicious.

So two bites. Yeah. And you're like, great. And you're like, five minutes, take it back, a new plate, two and two bite, bite, and then he's like, a few more minutes. Next plate has like four pieces each. Oh my God. I'm infuriated and you got even the bigger, even me as a nibbler, even I was hungry as

a nibbler. Yeah. Yeah. And you got the, the extra helping of it even dude. And it was not enough food. It's so, it was so clearly not enough. So when it was done, I was like, Hey, we need that menu. Yeah.

And they came back with it and they're like, Oh, what do you need? And I was like, a bunch, a bunch more sushi. And then there's a table next to us of this big, a big like Aussie broad and then her, Japanese friend, her Japanese friend. And they're like, Oh, isn't it great here? I was like, yeah, it is. It's really good. But, you know, it's just not enough.

And then a porker goes, uh, uh, you don't think so. Right. And I clearly thought so too. Yeah. She's like, she's like, Oh, but I think it's an, I go, look, fatty, you're not fooling me. Right. You're, you're on my team.

Right. We both know this is not enough food. You're not satisfied. Don't act like you're satisfied. Cause she started to try to like make it seem like, Oh, you, you don't think it's enough food. It's plenty of food. Right.

And it was like, you're way over two bills. There's no way you think this is, she looked hungry as shit too. She looks hungry at all hours of the day. Right. But the only person that looked satisfied was her Japanese friend who's used to probably eating that way. And was like, Oh, everything's perfect. She looked like she came out of an internment camp though.

Right. And she was just like, Oh, we get our rations in the morning. Yeah. That's how I felt like they were throwing us scraps. Yeah. And I had to eat it so fast to get to know in the next scrap was going to come sushi wise. I do. My whole thing is just keep it coming.

Yeah. We order like a trough. I need, I need, I need them to just keep dropping the plates, you know, so that the table's just covered in snoosh. And then we just eat our way through it and then we, we waste because we can't even finish it. That's what I'm happiest. Yeah.

There were a few pieces left and they go, do you want that? And you go, I can't. But the rolls are the ones that I don't feel bad wasting rolls. Yeah. The fish license. Yeah. Yeah. I would go back to that place.

And now we know the rule. We go absolutely alacard. Yes. And we go, do you have a pen and paper because you're going to need it. And can I tell you what I don't, I like, I'm a ebi, that sweet shrimp, but I like them to fry the heads. They don't do that. They didn't do that.

That's a weird thing. That was very upsetting because I liked those fried fish heads. Yeah. I know. Anyway. You're OG man. Yeah. I'm Asian.

I know. But that was so fun. I've never. I've never eaten somewhere and then, and I mean this and all seriousness had a full meal and then I was ready to go to In-N-Out. You were. I was like, let's go to the fucking In-N-Out. But we didn't.

But we didn't. Yeah. A little pat on the back for that. Yeah. I was, I really wanted to, but I didn't. I know. Cause I knew that somewhere. You actually said it like four or five times.

I know. I'm serious. But that's how normal people eat is they just eat one meal, even though it's parceled out like, you know, you're in a refugee camp. Yeah. I know. I know. I know.

I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know.

Right. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know.

I know. What do you think your dad would have done there? Oh my God. Well, first of all, you've been like sushi. Oh, buddy. We went out with your dad for dinner. So we had dinner with your folks, just the four of us, two nights in a row. Dad, there's a few topics your dad loves, two favorite ones, murder, killing, and death.

Actually, three favorites. Yeah. Killing, death, murder. Yeah. It was pretty intense. He talked about death the first night. Well, he goes, yeah. What was the first night?

About his brother passed. Right. So it was about his brother dying and details and like, I went to the funeral home and like picking out the casket and my mom was like, come on. We had like this nice meal at the house. We're like, all right. Then the next night he goes, kind of gun, you're going to get Ellis. And I go, like he goes like for his first gun.

And I go, I don't know. He goes probably 22 or something. I go, yeah, you know, and step it up, you know, and then get him like, I don't know, maybe a Glock at some point. And then, you know, 45, like what I really want to get him is a 50 caliber. He's like, ah, and it like prompted something in him. He goes, Vietnam, we had these 50. They were too heavy to carry.

So you put him in the back of like a, I don't know, some type of a truck or something. One day this guy's going over the field and he just kind of launched these. I was like, man, like he just gets, he gets lost in this story. And then something did it like somebody cut him off. Like my mom said, oh, we got to go do this. And I was like, hey, you didn't finish that 50 caliber story. And he was like, huh? I go, this story about the 50 caliber of the guys on the field.

He's like, oh yeah. And I go, so what happens if you hit some with it? He goes, oh, you hit him in the shoulder. They die. Oh my God. And I was like, I still want like the full story. That's another phone call we should make. We like, what's up with the 50?

Well, and then it was a nice treat at dinner. We went to the final dinner, the final dinner. And it, you know, we had pictures from the baptism and it was beautiful. And we had this wonderful week actually. Your whole family. Right. You know, my family. And then he starts talking about hospital deaths, malpractices and all these horrific

stories. And they're all about like pregnant women giving birth. I'm like, could you not? Yeah. And then he goes, they put acid on a woman's vagina by mistake. I'm like, terrible stories. And like, yeah. And then, and then he's like, guy brought her daughter in and then my mom goes like,

and what happened? She died. Anyways, you can have bite of that. Come bite of that buddy. Like right from like the death to like, what's that? Is that good? Yeah. Your dad loves talking about death.

Of course. I don't want to. That's where you get it from. That's your love of murder and stuff. Yeah. Now it makes sense. You're becoming your dad. Yeah.

You're a rad dad. Oh, please answer. I'm asking about the Vietnam story. I want to hear about the 50 caliber because he didn't, he didn't really finish the story. Oh, yeah. No answers. No. It's just a bummer.

Oh, by the way, I used to sit down with you and do it. It's going to be an audio only episode. Yeah. But we have a full top dog Charles episode. So we're going to release it like a regular episode. We'll talk before it will only be audio because this doesn't make sense to like, yeah, have video of us just introducing it, you know? Yeah.

So that'll hopefully maybe we'll try to do that for next week or something. Okay. Yeah. So yeah, he does love death. A lot of death chat. That's on his mind a lot, huh? Yeah. Yeah.

Killing. Killing. Killing. He drinks. It's so funny. He was over here. They came from the airport and I was like, top dogs, do you want to go back to the hotel and change into something more comfortable?

He's like, I am comfortable. Always. Always. It wasn't khakis, but down shirt. Yeah. Tie. Lovers. Lovers.

Do you want to get something comfortable? I am comfortable, buddy. It's so funny. That's what he wears on a Sunday afternoon. You know what I love about your dad is anything could be going on and he doesn't give a fuck. Like he'll still just sit on the couch and watch CNN, even though there's a house full of people and dogs running around and like any kind of event, if he doesn't feel like paying attention, he doesn't.

I really respect that. Yeah. And his whole thing too, if you go like, what's it, why, you know, what do you, why aren't you like over here? He's like, I'm bored. Which is true. Yeah. I agree.

I get bored too. Yeah. I'm going to start doing that from now on. Just pulling a top dog. Yeah. I just want to watch Netflix right now. I don't know if I can talk to you guys. Yeah.

And you go, I'm going to do that. You don't want to talk to, like you go, you don't want to talk to so and so and he'll go, he bore me straight up. We'll just tell you that person bores me. Yeah. He keeps 100 genes. You want me to play this song? You said you were excited about it.

Yeah, I like it. So as we all know, there's a problem with people sharing too much on social media. And finally, somebody wrote a song about it and this is it right here. I can love this. I mean, they really wrote a song. Yeah. It's a good song. You need to keep your business off of Facebook.

Okay. Keep your business off of Facebook. So true. Yeah. These that you said, you know, we're going to find out about it anyway. You need to keep your business off of Facebook. I agree. I agree.

You need to keep your, your business off of Facebook. Is that what they tell me? Keep your business off of Facebook. Well, the pictures that you post. Come on now. You need a quick turn. You're doing the most you need to keep your business off of Facebook. There's an over sharing problem.

Big time. For sure. We've talked about it for a long time. Many years we've discussed this problem. Yes. And shout out to the SCG church version of keep your business off of Facebook. I love it. Yeah.

Yeah. You don't need to share everything. It's interesting. There's really no shame left in our society now. I mean, it's everything is on the table all the time. It's so crazy. How are we going to teach our kid about that? You have to tell him not to send dick pigs to people.

That's a big thing now. I know. I never would have done it, but I might have done it. You would. Well, if I had a healthier hog on me, I would have. Here's the thing about photographs is that you can't really tell scale of dicks. Yeah. If you had a real hammer on me, there's no way you could keep keep it off.

You know, you couldn't have convinced me to not send it. If I was like really equipped, there's no way you could have been like now. Do you understand? Yeah. It's only the shame of like somebody seeing this petite little light switch that I wouldn't wouldn't send it. It's so silly. It's not a petite light switch, babe.

Yeah, it is. It's not. It looks like it's like it's a little motion. It's like, you know how when people get a hair on their tongue? Yeah. And then they go, and they pull it off. That's like my whole dick. What is that?

I got stuck on my tongue. Yeah, it's my dick. Yeah. I don't think so. How gross is my vagina now that I've had a child? How disappointing is it now? It's great. Is it totally different?

I feel like it's totally different. It's all blown out. No. No. Like a meat sandwich. Yeah, loose meat sandwich. Yeah. No, it's great.

It's great. Well, then your tiny peanut in my loose meat fits together well. No. I thought it goes together. You would have sent your dick pics to chicks. If you had the technology, oh my God, dude. No, I had all joking of size aside. I have a, you know, a shame, a nude shame.

Maybe it was all the Catholic upbringing. I wouldn't have. I don't think I would have. Interesting. I would never do that. I don't think I would have. I would, you know, but I would, I think in terms of, of also just blackmail, you know, like in my mind, I wouldn't ever do that to somebody, but I don't trust that somebody

wouldn't do that to me. Oh, right. Seriously. Yeah. I feel that there's enough fear in me that somebody would use that against me. Yeah. That it would scare me into not sending it. But that's the thing.

If you don't put your face in it. Thank you, Bitsy. If you don't put your face in the picture. Yeah. Then who cares? That's true. I think that's the one, the one way you have to do it. I don't know.

Yeah. I don't know. Blue Man, you're of this generation. Your friends are sending their dick pics everywhere. Did you ever send it? I've never sent one. I have had friends that sent it. Yeah.

And you ever, someone ever request for you to send one? Like they go send me a dick pic? No. No. Have you ever seen, like, has anyone ever been put on blast, so to speak? And then you saw their dick pics and they didn't want you to? I actually found out that one of my best friends, I went to a comedy show with one of my friends, girlfriends, and found out during the show the comedian asked if anyone had sent, like,

had a dick pic sent to them. And my friend's girlfriend, like, rose her hand. Raised her hand? Raised her hand. Raised her hand. And turned out that she was talking about my friend, and I found out at that show that my friend sent her a dick pic. Oh.

Hmm. Am I a little confused? Yeah, I don't know. I didn't follow it. I just pretended like I did. Yeah. Well, I found out during the show that my buddy sent his current girlfriend a dick pic. Oh, but that's not okay.

Yeah. It's not. My girlfriend. Yeah. Was it, like, how he quartered her? It was in the very early stages. Okay. And they'd been going out for a very long time at that point.

Okay. From what I understand, a lot of women don't care about the dick pic. I personally don't. You know what you see all the time on social media? What? Don't send me dick pic. Like, in bias. Yeah.

Like, people, like, don't send me a dick pic. Yeah. So I think women get bombarded with dick pics. Yeah. And they probably just trash them. Oh, my God. All. I think it's a thrill.

It's only maybe something to get really into. You definitely know who's sending it. There's something intriguing about the person, but if you're just getting unsolicited dick pics, I'm sure you're just like, okay. I don't get sent. I don't. I've never gotten careful. What you said.

I don't want them. I don't want them. Please don't send me your dick pics. I really don't want them. Yeah. But I feel like it's a particular type of lady. Maybe you guess. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I think it's the same old, like, three year old kinds. You never know. You never know. You never know. That's weird. And do girls send their snatches?

Their snatches? I think it's far left. I mean, I'm sure that that happens, but you don't really see. I mean, I've done, I haven't seen any of my friends by. I was like, stop with the pussy pics. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

No. I don't see that. I don't know. You see nudes, but I don't know. I've had friends be like, oh, this girl that I'm seeing just sent me this. I'm not like my leg open. Right. It's like a girl, you know, but it's not just her snatch.

Isn't it? It's not just a badge. No, no, no. That's what I'm saying. It's not really. There's this pussy waiting for you. Right. No, no, no.

Yeah. Because women don't, we don't, I don't think that way. I think dudes are like, you're in the dick. Yeah. Because to other guys, that's enticing. Exactly. To gay men, but not to women. That's like, gotta be the best to be a gay guy.

Oh, I know. And then just be like, look at this cock. This guy just sent me. I mean, the, when grinder happened, do you think the gay community just did backflips? They're like, this is what we've been waiting for. This is what the movement's about. This is what we've been wanting to do. Do you realize the, I mean, it started in the gay community and then came, what's that

shit tinder? Yeah. But it started as grinder. Grinder was first for sure. Where you could just be like, who's, who wants to fuck in my neighborhood? Who's five miles from here or two miles that wants to blow me? Yeah. Oh, that guy.

Okay, great. It's so crazy. I mean, like for the casual, just, I gotta get this load out. Yeah. It is the most, yeah, most magical. Because you used to just have to go down to the park and stand in a particular area. Fucking tap your right foot three times under a restroom stall. Yeah.

I just see what happens. I know. Now it's like, yeah, those guys get to go like, here's what I look like. And you know how judgmental too. It's like, it's like, look at me. I'm a yoke. Oh my God. You better be looking like this too.

Oh my God. And then you find that like you're equal and you're like, you can blow me. Yes. So much pressure to be a gay man. I don't think I could do it. Thank God. Lesbians seem to be a bit more forgiving if I ever. I could not.

I could not hang. No. Well, you'd have to be a bear. Yeah. I could hang in my lane, but I couldn't hang with like, you know, no, the guys. And if you age, like you can't be over 30 in the gay community. My God. You see being a straight woman.

You see so many, especially in LA, older gay guys that look like older straight women, as far as the crazy face. Yeah. The pullback and the lip. And you're like, dude, you look insane, but it's because of that pressure. Probably the more they're so than anything pressure on yourself. Yeah. Right.

So to maintain a look, but you see that a lot in LA, like older gay guys with ridiculous plastic surgery. But who look amazed? No, who look like, who look like it. They went too far. I would say in South Beach, it's even worse. You're right. When we would go down to Miami and everybody that roller blades by everybody that roller

blades by, they have calf implants, ass implants, the cheek. And everybody looks insane. So fucking weird. I was in South, when I was in South Beach, I remember one time I was on the beach and I saw somebody vomit and I go, what happened? They go, I just looked at your body. You and I. I'm so disgusting.

When we used to go down to Miami, we were like the, you know, the Canadian pigs. Oh, like the Midwestern couple. Midwestern slobs. Yeah. They're just like, you from Indiana or something? Yeah. And then no, you see like so tan, so lean. Yeah.

Girls are topless wearing thongs that are, that are like sheer, like it's see through thongs. Yeah. And they have just perfect bodies. The dudes are super yoked, jogging on the beach. Puerto Rican guys with their gold chains, jogging. I remember every morning in the heat, the sweltering heat. It's 102 out there.

It's just to show off your body. All day, every day. Remember if you can't get laid here, you can't get laid. That's my dad. That's my dad told you. My dad told your dad told me that. Yeah. We went to South Beach together.

Tell me, you can't get laid here. You can't get laid anywhere. That's nice. But I can't get laid. It's your father-in-law. Yeah. It's good advice, right? Unbelievable.

Yeah. Keep your business off of Facebook. Yeah. Keep your business off of Facebook. Listen now. Listen now. Keep your business off of Facebook. Yeah.

Keep your business off of Facebook. Listen now. Listen now. Sunday, you act like a saint. But on Facebook, you post saying, yeah. Keep your business. Keep your business. Oh, yeah.

I love it. Keep your business. I wish you could sing like that. Absolutely. I can. I do. You want to sing something? Keep your business.

Now you have another song. Oh, my Africa. I have to get it up. Oh. I have to pull it up. You don't have it? I'll pull it up right now. Hold on.

All right. Yeah. You know what I was going to say about LA, though? At least our saving grace. Because there are a lot of good-looking people in Los Angeles. Yeah. Is that there's also a lot of really not good-looking normal people here. So if you go to our beach, you'll see fat people.

Oh, yeah, yeah. No, it's true. You'll see people that like to eat and stuff. No, we're here and we're not going anywhere. We're eating sushi next to the imposters. Okay, ready? Yeah. So now we had some issue last week with the Toto Song Africa.

We wanted to come up with alternate lyrics. Yeah. This is submitted by Taylor Kane. How did it come about that we got into that? Because our bidet is called a Toto. Oh, that's right. And then we talked about how great it is and we were singing. And then basically bidet songs.

Right. Right, yeah. And I didn't tell this on the air, but I actually used to give a girl from high school a ride home every day whose dad was in the band, Toto. I can't believe you left that out. I forgot about it. And then she and I found each other on the Instagram. Because of the show or no?

No, totally random. Okay, ready? Now this is a submission from Taylor Kane. We can't play the music under it. So I'm just going to sing it with my voice, my gospel. Okay, ready? Wait, can you do, can you leave me in with the Braxton's? I'd like to practice a little bit.

I just wanted to figure out who I am today and kind of find my voice and then I'll go into it a little bit. Okay, let me see. You got it. I can only do this. Watch this bullshit. I don't know. Hold on, man.

It's going to take a lot of practice. Get me away from you. That's the original song. Those aren't the lyrics, so I'll do. None, none, a hundred, man, a boy you'd ever do. Okay, ready? We are the Braxton's annual season. We are not like an ordinary family.

Don't chase me to a town, say my primacy will teach you a thing or two. Braxton family values. Wow, so which Braxton are you before you do this? I'm feeling Tamar. Wow. Because I feel like I got my life and I feel like I'm ready to get my life. How about you? This shirt is nice, so I feel like Tony.

Oh, okay. I feel like I'm the superstar of the family today. You are Tony. Okay, ready? I'm just going to do the chorus. This is submitted by Taylor Kane, so thank you, Taylor. Thanks, Taylor. You can't play the whole song.

Here it goes. Ready? It used to take a lot to clean away all the poo. There was nothing that a hundred wipes or more could ever do. But now my birthday is coming after you. Oh, my birthday. The washlet gives me time to do the things we never had. What do you think?

I like it. That's really good. You like that? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So listen to this one that goes, as I brown I cry out in the night. There we go.

That's really good. I can't do it. Perfect. It's not perfect. I got to practice. Beautiful. It's really well done. Thank you.

So I want to play this for you. Yep. I think you'll really enjoy these clips. Are you ready? Yep. Oh, my God. If you would like a free sample with no strings attached, you can test drive the sports model. I'm willing to consider any kind of strictly friendly sports.

You can decide how strictly or how friendly. I want a tough chick who's not afraid of guys. If you get urges to beat a man, I might get the urge to let you win. If you're willing to practice strictly friendly sports until you achieve perfection. The fuck is it? Call home for a challenge. What the fuck is he talking about? What does it look like he's talking about?

Why don't you describe this guy to our listeners? He looks a little like a skinny lemmy. What's he wearing? He looks a little G.G. Alan-ish. Got on black tennis shoes. Black tennis shoes with white socks and just some black shorts. Very small black, like biker shorts. And he's got on some really cool sunglasses, right?

And he's got the lemmy from Motorhead. Creepy. Like Fu Manchu. Yeah, it's on. And he's got a paddle in his hand. And he's got fingerless gloves on. Which is always a sign of sanity. If you're wearing fingerless gloves, you've got your life together.

Everything is going well. Exactly. Yes, I agree. I'm thinking about wrestling and spanking frisbee at the public park. You and your friends can have a stud rope and co-on test. You're willing to make and use a lazer. The one that lazers and hog ties me the fastest wins. I like a lot about this guy.

First of all, I do like that he is putting out there what he's into. And he's just going to take what he gets back. He'll have his choices. No, no, no, no. No, no, no. This is his version of Swipe Left and Right. Oh, I'm all good. Thank you.

And he also is, you know, gear wise, he's on top of it. Yeah, there's a very specific audience that this appeals to. And he's going to find it. He's going to find it. It sounds like there's a lot of codes, code wording that I'm not really understanding. This guy needs a high population city, by the way. Yeah, New York, SFLA. What code words are you struggling with?

Lasso. I understand that's that, but it feels like there's some code in there. Well, it's implied that we're not, we're not going after cattle. We're going after me. Right. So he's, he has his own version of sports. Right. Right.

Oh boy. He's got that paddle too in his hand the whole time. Oh boy. I might be inclined to let you win. What if your dad was into this stuff? This is probably someone's dad for sure. I hope it's someone's dad who's listening to the show right now. He's like, where did he get that?

You can have a bring your own belt party. Each woman can bring it there from belt, blindfold me, then take turns whipping me. No thanks. Then I'll decide which woman has the best skills. Oh my God. Maybe it's the cadence that's an alarm. It's annoying and creepy. He knows so much what he wants.

I know. I know. These aren't fantasies. He's like, you know what I've always wanted? A woman to whip me. He's done this hundreds of times and he just can't get that adrenaline rush anymore. So he's just like, I'm putting it out there, man. It's up and up and up.

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. You're right. This is a very specific request. I want you to lasso me and wear nine inch heels and leather. Yeah. Yeah.

The kind of grass. You know, like my ideas, you can make a special request. You can practice self assertion with me. What? If you'd like to toughen up. What? See, this is why I don't understand. If you definitely need self assertion encouragement.

I'm sorry? If you're still undecided, there's more ads after this. Now let's get tight. No. What's self insertion? Oh man. There's definitely some dead animals in his house. Man.

I will say. I will say. Yeah. I like his background choice. I like his audio. There was no birds chirping. Yeah. He has a good mic.

Right. It was a clean video, so he had some help with production. Not to mention, I think he has a clean diet. I mean, that's not a bad body. He's definitely fit. No. Yeah. Would you, would you think a date with him would be absolutely terrifying?

For me? Yes. Self assertion? Yeah. Self insertion. No. If you're assisting chick or a shy chick, you definitely need self assertion encouragement. It's like Dom stuff.

Okay. Now let's get tight. Oh man. So confused. This guy's big time. Yeah. I guess when BDSM people go, why do we get a bad rap? Well, I would say it's because of Tom right here.

I think Tom is the type of guy that gives you a bad rap. He won't respect your pronouns. Oh man. Yeah. But he would love for you to whip him and stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Again, I see myself, I could do that, but I don't, I don't know.

I don't need it to be sexual for somebody else. Right. It's just an anger thing for me. Maybe. I don't know. But what if he's just like, yeah, but I get off on it. I don't like that part. I don't want him to jizz on me.

He's not going to jizz on you. At least let him do it on the floor or something. That part creeps me out. Why? Tom came all this way. He can't just crank one out in the carpet. It's a very, it's a very specific world to inhabit. You got to know a lot of lingo.

There's a lot of, a lot of stuff you have to buy. Yeah. That's too much. Hi, Nick Hawk here. I'm the star of Showtime's hit series, Gigalos. I've spent my lifetime learning about women, how their bodies work, what pleases them and what teases them. I want to introduce you to my Nick Hawk genuine cast dildo with movable

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balls, it's a good thing. All right. Maybe he's right. Maybe he's right. These guys, they know women. That's one thing. These guys know women. Every time I see him or his name in our copy, Nick Hawk, in my brain,

it goes AJ Hawk. Yeah. So I was like, wait, we're about to see AJ Hawk's dildo. Could you imagine AJ doing this? No way. It would be the best if he did a parody of this though. Hey, I'm AJ Hawk. I was Cincinnati Bengals.

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Look at my cock. Wait, can you, can you just play the beginning again when he's like, how to do my, my shift in my movable balls? Like what? Hi, Nick Hawk here. I'm the star of Showtime's hit series, Jigalos. Hi, AJ Hawk here. Cincinnati Bengal, former Green Bay Packer.

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This goes to guys. Yeah. Again, again, I'm not very enticed. I got to say this is not how you sell it to the women. I mean, there's some like super, super fans. Yes. That watch the show that are like, let's just face it, not attractive.

Yeah. That are like. God. That are like. Wait a minute. What are you saying? That are like, hi, Nick. Wait a minute.

My name's Barbara. I bought your dildo brah, brah, brah, brah. And so she, she buys it, but it's mostly dudes who are like, it's mostly dudes that are putting this up their bones. Absolutely. Well, I don't know about how many straight. It's one and three quarter inches in diameter. It's made of a thailet free PVC,

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No. No, I think it's like, it's an internet commercial. That's why. Yeah. Yeah. We'll give you 800 bucks and we got some free weights. You know,

you'd have to pay me a lot more just to say that. Introduction sense. I may not. This is my nine inch dildo with movable balls. I'm Thomas a girl. Let's make one for me. I would love to. Yeah.

But what yours be? This is my light switch model. Yeah. With movable time. Four inches too much. I got the mold for you. And it's just flaccid and it lays on the, imagine the possibilities.

You can use it to rest things on like papers. Is your baby teething? Use the Tom's Cigarette Dick model. Are you going to buy me? Nick, AJ Hawks. If you want it. Dildo with movable balls.

It's Nick. It's Nick. Don't say it. It's definitely Nick. Do you want, do you want it? No. I'll get it for you.

Where's braces? Do the other guys have one? No. I don't think so. No. You buy that one. No. Strictly friendly.

To meet that guy, Tom, the guy with the paddle. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. I want you to send him a message. Would you? Yeah. So it's,

I think it's always interesting to me that people are so, so sexual. Like they, they, they're comfortable making videos that the world can see. Is that just me being of tight jeans? About. Just about life.

That I don't make videos about stuff that I, I like, if like if I were single, I don't think I can make videos like that and be like, Hey guys, who's into spanking? No. No. But you have to,

I guess if you're into something this specific, right? Is that why he's doing it? Cause it's not like you can just go to like a regular bar and meet people, literally. That's crap. Yeah. That makes sense. Yeah.

Of course. By the way, so last week we played this, the Patswa guy. Yeah. And he was, he was, we were trying to translate.

It's probably the worst version we've ever done. We've, we, we didn't come close to getting any of it. You know? Really? Well, I mean we, we couldn't,

we couldn't understand anything. Yeah. That was a tough one. Yeah. I mean, just tell me one time again. Yeah. Tell me one time again.

I'm past this session and go right bridge and go so, go back so. Go back. Yeah. And y'all go good on the union. We haven't got a good deal. You can't even tap out the virgin. We don't know where, where,

where I prepand these guys. I'm also, he said, fall down with this. Yeah. And it's English too. That's a crazy part. It's, yeah.

Patswa. Yeah. But yeah, it's, it's pretty crazy. Heather translated it for us. Oh, cool. What is, what is he saying?

It says, she says, to my mommies, I'm Heather, Jeanine from Twitter, the girl that occasionally tweets you. Yeah. Like my tweets,

making me feel like I got the highest and tightest genes in the universe. First things first, Chris Jeanza is the main mom and water champ. No doubt about it. Yes. Thank you. Tom, you're great,

but the lies must stop. Yes. Thank you. Stay in your Yorkie sipping lane. Yes. Like her already. Well, we're never accepting emails again from Heather.

Now. She's top of the line now. Now about the machete man. He is a Jamaican. Yes. And I'm assuming the people are recording him because his directions are horrible. I had to call my actual mom who is from Trinidad to help me

with the ending of this translation. She was crying from laughter at YouTube. And if you find any more videos like this one or the Trinidadian from last year, we're really happy to help. This is what we decipher. Guide in the car says, just tell me one time again,

machete man says, yeah, you have to go back. So and pass the station and go over the bridge and go back. So go down union. You pass. So, but he goes to pass. So,

so go down union, keep following the road straight, go across the bridge and go down and keep going straight. Go on. Don't bother to turn. And then the guy in the car says, just go straight. Just pass the,

the back, the balaclava. Not sure. Balaclava station. That's what I said and go over the bridge and go straight and you're going to go down. You're going to pass something and you're going to go further. So that's

basically what's going on here. Tell me one time again. Yeah, I'm going to go back. So and pass station and go over the bridge and go back. So go back. So yeah, go down union. You have to go down union.

You have to go up to pass the bridge and you're going to go up one time. And then the guy in the car says, follow the road it's straight. Whoa. So just go down. So go across the bridge and go down. Don't bother to turn. Just go over.

Just go over. Get the fuck out of here, man. That guy's amazing. We all live in the same world. Isn't that crazy? Yeah, it's the same language. I know. But the different parts on there.

That's so wild. That's so, I still feel like that's a crazy one. I still feel like the Irish people are. It reminds me a little. He does kind of look right. Yeah. I was thinking the same thing. Yeah.

We kind of built the same way. Like I'm real muscular too. Um, real fit. Here's another email. Let's see. Watergate 2016 theory. Hey mommy.

A couple of weeks ago, Tom, AKA the water champ. Wrong. Drop the bomb regarding his Jewish ancestry. Drop. It makes so much sense. Ever since wandering the desert for 40 years, the Jews have been a very thirsty people. No wonder Tom drinks so much fucking water.

Most of the country is dealing with this heat dome right now. And we should all follow your lead and drink shitloads of water. You're an inspiration. Keep it up. Shalom Oakley and shalom to you Oakley. That's very true. You're such an imposter. Okay.

So there's a, I guess we should, by the way, when I did the ice house this weekend, people were shouting that I was the water champion. Okay. Whatever. I got so much more than you.

By the way, the sparklets machine was out this morning since about 9am. Yeah. And then we sat down to record at noon and you were like, well, can you bring me some water? And I was like, the sparklets machine's been empty for hours.

I know. No, you didn't know. You did not know. Yes, I did know. Because you haven't been hydrating since 9am. Three hours have gone by without you taking a sip of water. That's not true. That's not true.

I was, listen, I was in the shower gulping down shower water. That's disgusting. The phone rang. And it was LADWP. And they said, we're cutting off your water supply because you drink so much water. You're lying.

No, I'm not. How come you lie? Just, you know, I'm drinking backup water. Tell me about Bart Kreisler. I'm drinking backup water that I just had here from last week. All right. Until the spark.

Bart Kreisler. Okay. So real quick update on that. Bart Kreisler. First of all, huge thanks to everybody, sending in, or buying a bird of spat shirts.

Bird Kreisler spat. And really appreciate it. Thank you so much for that. I haven't released the tally because I wanted to do it with Bertrand. I thought that would be a fun way to do it. But well, we can, we can, we can end the mystery. It is not a battle.

As blue band said, it is a massacre. So, Oh, wow. I can't give out the stats, but this shit is no longer should spec time. Titian. Yeah.

Yeah, but I feel like we all knew that in our hearts. Of course we knew it. The Bert is the fat one. Of course. Of course. So that's a real quick thing. Also, aside from Bertrand,

thank you to everybody that got double pipe classic shirts. Oh, such a good shirt. Those have been restocked. It's a beautiful shirt. And it's a special thing to celebrate with people in your life when you burp and fart at the same time. The DPC. The DPC.

Wait, can I tell you guys, I had a meeting with some executives on a network and they're like, tell me about your mom's house. And it was like a nice lady. It was a nice gentleman. Gentleman. Gentleman.

And I was like, well, you know, it's like. How do you say? Asshole. Asshole. I was like, asshole. But I told a room full of executives about the Cincinnati fart and about Bert is fat. It's less than a month away.

The anniversary. It's less than a month away. August 20. Yeah. What is it? 20th. The 20th. It comes out.

Your phones. August 20th. 2016. The year anniversary of the Cincinnati fart. Yeah. Yeah. It was pretty fun. Yeah.

Describing it. And you're telling executives. Executives. And they're laughing. No, they loved it. But it was like, I can't believe I got to do that. How many times in your life do you get to share a ridiculous story like that?

At a business meeting? Did you lead in with? Where's the cum? Did you tell them? Yeah. They found the cum. Here's some, uh, some bird updates. Uncle Joey here.

Fucked up to the gills already. You understand me? This is how you open the door. I get emails about why is Bert fat and all that shit. Listen, you fucking morons. Knock it off with that shit. Who gives a fuck? Yeah.

Why is Bert fat in town? Who gives a fuck? Okay. Who gives a fuck? You got better things to worry about. It's being, being jacked off and caught into that shit. Why is anybody fucking fat? Because I like to eat cocksuck.

It's all right. By the way, do you see those haze around him? Yeah. This is like seven, eight in the morning. He wakes up so early. He gets up at like 545, six, eats gummy bears and just smokes like pounds. And this is before he had a baby, right? Yeah.

He's always been like this. Yeah. But then does he go to bed at a reasonable hour? I think reasonable, but yeah, but not. He's not a sleeper. He's one of those people that can't sleep. Yeah. He's a maniac too.

Damn dude. But this is the best. Somebody sent me this on Twitter that Doug Stanhope was in Montana and, you know, he'll just do a show. He goes, he goes everywhere. Doug goes everywhere and he has fans everywhere, obviously. So he does, you know, sometimes like crazy bars and this is obviously like a post show hang where Doug's just hanging out, smoking, having a beer and let's see.

Doug Repairs will be now. Burt Chrysler, you're fucking fat. No. Burt Chrysler's not. Tom Segura is fat. Wait, it gets better. It gets better. Do you have the whole thing?

I broke it up into three clips. Okay. Hilarious. It gets better. This is Billings, Montana. They don't understand fat. We know. We know.

Burt Chrysler, you're fat. You can't even say your name right. Are you fat? It's Chrysler. Chrysler. What's the other guy's name? Hey, what's the other guy's name? What's the other guy's name?

Tom White. Segura. Segura. Chrysler. And Segura. You put unnecessary L's in because Japanese people can't pronounce the fucking L's or the R's. So you put them in.

It doesn't matter. Hold on. Wow. I've done Billings, Montana. You have? Oh, yeah, on a triple run. A triple run, yeah. No, I've never done it.

Yeah. Montana's beautiful. I'm trying to find someone fatter than either of them here. In Billings, Montana, I can't find anyone fatter than Burt Chrysler or Tom Segura. So this argument is moving. Oh, you didn't get the end? You're the worst. Oh, where he says Burt is fatter.

Yeah. We got to get rid of Blue Band. Damn it. Oh, he says Burt is fatter. They tap? Oh, and then this guy leans in and he goes, Burt Chrysler is fatter. That's the best. Aw, man.

Fucking Blue Band. Blue Band, really. It's collecting seeds. Oh. Burt Chrysler is fatter. So is Doug Stanhope waiting on that? Wow. Celebrity Wayans now.

Yeah. Who gives a fuck? Yeah. Joey Diaz. Yeah. This has really taken America by storm. It is. It's really something.

We don't have any international Burtis fat submissions, do we? If you're an international, if you're in Africa, if you're in the Netherlands, if you're in Eastern Europe somewhere, Asia, and give me an international Burtis fat. Oh, that'd be good. Yeah. I got a 2001 Chevrolet Suburban, you know what I'm saying? So we have... I like an Asian Burtis fat, like someone in Japan doing.

Say it in... Yeah. But Chrysler is bad. But you mean just with an accent. You know what I'm saying? Or do you want them to be like... Yeah, that's what I want. Yes.

Totally. Do it in your language. Burt is gordo. Yeah. Like that. Burt is muy gordo. Yeah. Yeah.

Porque Burt Chrysler está tan gordo. Yeah. That's what I want. Yeah, yeah, yeah. International. Yeah. Yeah. It's true.

Here we go. Submit. Here we go. Get the things going. Here we go. Call. Oh, what's up? This is your boy Snacks.

Man, you know what I'm saying? They're on YouTube. You know what I'm saying? I'm trying to focus on it. They have been inviting me to water. G4 had to bend head bagel bites to the homie Jew that said he been had money. I got something to make none of y'all ever had. I've been had snacks.

What? So this dude is going to go... He's on a snack counting tear. Oh, okay. He's saying that like a lot of people have had a lot of shit, but he's had snacks. Okay. For a while. All right.

Which I respect. And here's his snack. Look at this. Oh, shit. The chocolate for the girls. The jet broke up with their boyfriends. You know what I'm saying? I got the bugles.

You know what I'm saying? I like those. See, nacho cheese. That's for the Mexicans. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? I got the traditional. The traditional.

You know? Father plain caucasians. I love it. He's right. He's got my number. You know what I'm saying? Sweet and salty. You know what I'm saying?

Less fat. If you want to die, good for you. You know what I'm saying? The barbecue, it's for us, you know? We love barbecue baby. You know what I'm saying? It's a lot of you know what I'm saying. Everyone loves barbeque so let's get the tally going.

But he got my number on that check page. That's it. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Come onてen you know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying?

You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Get up and keep your mouth shut. You know what I'm saying? What I'm saying? What I'm saying? Shout out to everybody out there.

You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? I love it. Thank you. Shout out to Crazy Love. Dude, that was awesome. Shout out to everybody out there. Doing that thing.

Stuff like that. Yeah. There's got a Chex Mix shirt on it. Yeah. This guy loves the snacks. Dude, that's a tight shirt. I know. I kind of like him a lot.

Where did he get a Chex Mix shirt? I don't know. But I dig it. It's so great. I would rock that shirt. I would rock the shit out of that shirt. Should I wear my rad dad shirt to my meeting I'm about to go to? Please.

I'm so jealous of your rad dad shirt. I got a shirt. It says rad dad. I know. You got it from Target, you said? Yeah. How come there's no cool mom? There are cool mom shirts.

No. And not like that. You know that fart loading shirt? Yeah. I love that. I saw one that said, wait a second, and it said alcohol loading. But it's like, I'm a fucking booze back. Yeah.

I like the fart one. I know. I want a cool mom shirt, man. You didn't hook me up. I didn't see any mom shirts, but I'm sure they have them. I just can't. Yeah. I just didn't see.

I like that. I'll get you a cool mom shirt. I do love me some Chex. You know what I like though? There's always one shitty piece in the Chex mix. Do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. There's always a shitty piece. Yeah. I don't like the pretzel piece. I like the waffle thing. Yeah. You know? Yeah.

Why don't they just make it all the pieces I like? They can do that. You've got to write them an email and say, will you do a Christina? I hate the circle pretzels. Yeah. You know what? You know what? What's that one that makes your breath smell like shit?

I think that. The onion, the Gardellis or whatever. You know what I'm talking about? Chex mix makes more. You know what I'm talking about? Is that Gordettos? Fuck. I love those.

But then there's like one shitty piece in there. It's like the one with sesame seeds on it. The big one. I fucking hate that one. But I like those brown, you know, the brown pieces. Hard crackers. The hard crackers. The best piece, right?

Yeah. They just do all hard crackers. All the flavors in that one. All the flavor. That's right. I'm not alone here. All right, James. We got to get going.

What do you want to? What? You got something? Maybe talk about the August 1st. The poster that's coming out. Oh, the poster? Yeah. I mean, we have for it.

Well, for a Patreon, people at a certain level. For the $20 level. This is being shipped to them. But for everybody else, you can still get it. Yeah. It'll be on the site. It'll be commemorative Cincinnati fart poster. I'm so excited for this.

It's really spectacular. We'll have it up on the site within, I guess, five days or so. Yeah, within a week or so. Yeah, within a week. This is a really... But if you sign up on patreon.com. Before August 1st, you'll get it for the Patreon price. Oh, okay.

Cool. And there, by the way, all the Patreon fulfillments have been going really well. Everything that we've put up there, we've said we were going to do, we've done. Including bonus content. And there's a new bonus episode coming out on the 1st. Yep. A whole bunch of stuff coming out on the 1st. Yeah.

So that's patreon.patrion.com. The poster is really, really cool. The artwork is a maze on that. Yeah. So I can't wait for that to come out. All right. I think that's it. Anything else?

That's it, Jeans. Your MomsHousePodcast.com. TomCigarette.com. ThousandRanch.com. Thank you guys. Patreon.com. Slash Mom for listening. And we hope to see you at a show.

Thank you for listening to our show. And we'll do it again next week. Bye, Miamis. Bye, Miamis. Bye, Miamis. Did people really listen to this? Yeah. Hey, listen up.

This is Charo, the original mommy. I'm in charge here. I want you to listen to me. All you niggas need to go to your MomsHousePodcast.com and scoop at some of that new hot shit. You'll need a new poster, the rinse, all that good shit, dog. You know what I'm saying?

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