Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 356-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: August 10, 2016

This week the mommies find Christina's dad on Instagram having a dance-off in Ibiza, review some fan-made websites, discuss the order of sushi they couldn't beat, and learn how to become bad boys

I've been spokein' like a motherfucker, man I run LA basically south of the 10th Feed me sandwiches, pats all the time Balls licked, get some barbecue I'm the old goddamn date I'm burnin' shakes south of the 10th 10 times 10 with an S on the N From the hundreds black in the world

Rock up G, I don't play around these parts Do you know what I'm sayin'? Please runnin' shakes south of the 10th 10 times 10 with an S on the N From the hundreds black in the world Rock up G, I don't play around these parts Do you know what I'm sayin'? I'm a wild animal, stab you in your sleep

Get your ass out my face Respect my privacy, I don't feel nothin' I get what I need I'm a wheeler, I'm a doolus I forget some of your jeep I've been outside, you ain't shit I piss the shit where I want You better not forget that kind of damn y'all lazy

I never stop hustling Give me something to get something You gotta pay up You could get kidnapped You're under my care Better show motherfuckin' respect Uh, yeah Of course not, I love them

New corvettes, what I do is what I've been doin' Oh shit, you could not disrespect me You could not ask What it is? Motherfuckin' black Pied apples in a big apple Just get shit done 24-7, who's number one?

Please runnin' shakes south of the 10th 10 times 10 with an S on the N From the hundreds black in the world Vodka, gin, I don't play around these parts You know what I'm sayin'? Please runnin' shakes south of the 10th 10 times 10 with an S on the N From the hundreds black in the world

Vodka, gin, I don't play around these parts You know what I'm sayin'? You act like I didn't live outside for three years I live outside Call steppin' up the game Yo, when the fuck are we goin' back to the dog park? I have people Chihuahua

Doofy Gert Labrador I'm the all-goddamn Man, that's Obi-Wan Canole That's legendary It's a legendary song Legend Absolutely

It's one of the most amazing I'm still in awe of the fact that he was able to just piece together conversation and make it rhyme and make a song Yeah, those hours of you talking I mean, sorry, as Theo talking just in podcasts

and then he edited together hours and hours I saw him, I met him in Hawaii Yeah, I know, I remember that And he told me it took like 20 hours just to do the lyrics part Which I think is short Worth it, worth every minute That song is amazing

It would've taken me fucking months I wouldn't ever do it I wouldn't even undertake it This is a DJ Noel, a.k.a. The Sco It says Gene Flow by Gene's Flows but his actual thing here says Slow Fuck He's a slow fucker, he likes to slow fuck

That's a great question I'm kind of a slow fucker I'm a slow fuck Yeah M.A. I'm a slow fuck I am too, and I like to slow fuck Right, well I'm saying I prefer

I'm being a slow fuck You're a slow fuck The moms are coming to Sperm Bank Comedy Club It's in Flappair's Comedy Club in Sperm Bank, California Also known as Burbank We are doing your Moms House podcast

Live Monday August 15th Get your tickets now Go to TomSegura.com ThousandRanch.com Or your MomsHousePodcast.com And make sure to scoop tickets It's gonna be an evening podcast

Live in Burbank Flappair's Comedy Club Make sure to check it out Gene's, what do you got for us? Tons of stuff I'm coming to Seattle Meet Rattle At the Takamanya Comedy Club

Selamshut Come and Me Club And then September 28th In Porkland, or Pork a Man's Hole Helium Comedy Club And then October 4th Dallas Fallis Duh October 5th, Pustin At the Secret Group

Or Huge Dump The 23rd of October Indianapolis, Morty's Comedy Club October 24th, Cincinnati Or Shits of Splatty Go Bananas Can Club DC Improv

The 9th and the 10th of December That's it That's great That's great There you go Let's see Big things Yeah man

I am going to be in Come All Over Us Ohio Come On Our Bus Ohio At the Funny Bone The Sea Bus I've been there before I always have a good time OH

Please Come Out And See Me Columbus At Your Nice Mall What else I got Well I'm doing the Oddball Comedy Tour With a bunch Of great comedians

You could possibly see me with Brian Regan Sebastian Maniscalco Let's see Who else is on that? Bert Kreischer I think that's how you say his name

He's doing a bunch of dates Coco Diaz is doing some dates Eliza's doing some dates John Mulaney is doing some dates It's going to be a really funny thing Hannibal's doing a couple dates I'm doing a bunch of cities Pustain

Let's see Worst Harry Palm Beach Tampon Nipplesville Horonto Hard Fart Cumden Mount Herpubes

California Mommy Asselpiss Minnesota So all these great cities They're all at TomCigarette.com Please get your tickets now And by the way The show we added

And fill her up Delphia November 18th Is in the last leg If you want to get tickets to that That's going to be it So make sure you get tickets Fill her up Delphia And Judoor Titties is also on sale

Alright That's that That's the dates There you go There you go Really Really Do you care

You ready to do the show? Yes Let's get into it James 25 year old James Sester Jumped from this Homemade wooden platform Off this 30 foot bluff

Police call this location Unsafe and poorly operated The sheriff even says He wants to shut it down But the owner Charles Womack says He's not going anywhere I'm just trying to help

These high school kids And college kids Because they ain't got no money Anybody got time for that? This shit is big time Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this Your mom in the fucking stands

Welcome Welcome to your mom's house With Tom Segura talking to you Christina Pazitzic Christina Pazitzic Welcome to your mom's house Well that's good By the way

I want to point out That I do have a Starbucks cup But it's full of Watch Stop Stop lying Age to flow yo Stop it

You're such a liar Look what I have Full And I fill this up On our sparklets machine At Avion I said Avion And someone sent me an email

It's not Avion Like Avion bird flu or whatever They're right You talk stupid You talk stupid And I have a back up Lacroix Yeah

Avion Hey can you get me Can y'all get me A bottle of that there Avion Everyone says Avion What do you say You don't say Avion

I say Avion Oh bullshit I think it's from the French Alps I say Avion You don't even know What water is Avion Who orders the water in this house

I do I get the chartlets I get that Avion You don't even You don't even know Who, how, the water gets you Who, how, what What

What's going on here What's going on here Yeah I liked his little voice He's kind of He's like the white guy Version of that This guy, you know

Charles Womack says He's not going anywhere I just trying to help These high school kids And college kids Because they ain't got no money Going on here Yeah

There you go What do you think happened To his nuts Do you think he lost his nuts I don't know That voice is absurd I think he jumped off the blue Cove a few times

And hit his nuts on the rocks Last running happened Exactly one year And ten days From the one year On Sunday But Womack says He's not changing

Any of his roles here Despite the two tragic deaths Well, you know But no lifeguards like And when I left Gordon might have been over here And that's probably 30,000 feet up there

When something happened here No, I couldn't know lifeguards What's going on here Yeah What's going on here That's got to be one of the worst voices To have to live with Yeah

But I can't even I can't mimic it No It's too high pitched It's not very masculine Not like your voice No Your voice is very deep

And sexual Yeah You know Yeah Especially lately You've really been embracing Kind of a sexy dad persona Put on your glasses

Let everybody see You gave me the tag Yeah, hashtag Sexy dad is mine Thank you You always take it And say it's yours It's mine

Sexy dad Sexy dad I'm a sexy dad What do you think, guys Do you think it's a sexy dad? I don't think it's sexy dad I like it Blue van, what do you think?

Yeah, sure Yeah So unconvincing I don't feel like he finds me sexy at all I mean, sexier than where you started Really? It's an upgrade Yeah, you're smarter

It's definitely You definitely look smarter You look like you can open books Not just close them Babe Like Ellis does that He'll just close the cover I'm like, sexy takes after his dad

Is that sexy? You've also been taking up A cigar smoking And drinking like What is it, Scotch? Oh, yeah That's like dad stuff too You've really been embracing this dad identity

Dad 101 Yeah I haven't had, I only had a couple of cigars Actually, no You're not into it now No, no I bought a bunch Thinking that at the

When we had that reception here That I could hand those out to people And be like, you want to smoke a cigar? Nobody was interested I forgot to offer So now I have like a box Yeah But the Scotch thing

You know, it is something that I always wanted to Because you hear about people having these I don't know, a drink where they're like Oh my God, that's amazing that quality And bars that I've gone to are just growing up I never went for the high quality stuff You always just drink to get, you know Ripped

To get ripped, yeah And then go poo in your poo pile later So it's just been fun to explore it a little bit I just did a little research I bought a bottle And it was actually delicious Everybody at that party was like, I try that Yeah

Yeah, so So does this affect your DJ dad mouth persona? It does feel like a very, you know A great departure from it But I feel like dad mouth is who I am at my core But dad mouth's different than sexy dad Like I feel like these two identities Not really

This is an alter ego Yeah, yeah They don't hang out They don't hang out at all Like DJ dad mouth is like a cool dad And then Well, I mean, DJ dad mouth Doesn't even fully accept that he is a dad

Right You know, that's why he's a DJ Like he knows he probably has kids But it's not like Yeah, I don't think dad mouth is going home For their birthday and stuff Right, but sexy dad Sexy dad definitely would

Sexy dad would probably buy a sexy present To give to his child on his sexy birthday You know Oh, the baby's sexy birthday? Yeah, like the sexy dad would be like When does that start a sexy baby birthday? Well, I think sexy dad does it from first birthday He just buys like maybe a mesh top for his child

Can we play that Instagram video? That guy dancing Just as you're talking about this Your dad on, yeah, sure Please, you sent this to me yesterday I know you posted on Instagram And my fucking brain almost exploded Yeah

It looks I got a lot of texts about that We're loving that Oh my god, it's so my dad First of all, you nailed it Like he's probably doing this right now As we're talking Let's see, yeah

This guy is Holy shit For our listeners, I don't know how to describe it Well, that's why I'm saying But talk over it Just have it playing in the background Because it's so rad Let me see here

And then let's continue the sexy dad discussion I don't want to lose it Of course, of course Oh my fuck, there he is Dude, he's so rad Yeah I mean, how would you describe this man? It's everything

It's the guy who's, you know, the most interesting man in the world The beer guy, it's him Yeah And he's got a dark, leathery tan And he's got a gold chain that's got like dog tags on it Yeah And then he's wearing a kind of He's got like a wrist wrap thing

A gold wrist wrap thing And an ankle one too Yeah And this, this is like a skirt He's got like a man's skirt on it Well, I think it's a Speedo But then he put like a loincloth over it Yeah

And he's got glasses And if you, he's having like a dance off Yeah And he's super lean He's got the V, like the cock V, you know Yeah He looks like a piece of turkey jerky Oh

And they're doing this like grease dance Like you're the one that I want And like they taunt, they go back and forth But it's not classy like that It's super, it's like Ibiza He's doing like this He's doing the European moves He's like this fucking broad over here

He's so European, that's why I love it Of course Look at his, oh and then he pretends to punch her Yeah It's so fucking rad, dude Yeah I watch this like, oh and the clapping My dad claps a lot when he dances, too

Their food's life is just Is just sunbathing Yeah It's my dad, it's my dad's life It's Ibiza, all the time Uh-huh This is totally my dad It's this

I feel like This is it, though And I don't even know if this guy has money Greatest thing Or he's the kind of guy that people with money Just keep around Right, the party guy Keep him around, yeah

Because he's got the best cocaine Sure Oh, and then he dares her to a dance off It's just The hair is white, though, right? Yeah Yeah The moves are so European, too

It's very European, yes Oh, it's so bad And they're at a multi-million dollar place You can tell Yeah You know, like Infinity Pool All white stuff If you're not on YouTube

At least look at Tom's Instagram In my Instagram feed Yeah You're gonna die, it's the best It's pretty great Everything, okay Okay, so Let's talk about your sexy dad now

Uh... That is not a sexy dad I know Burp Yeah I shadow dance I shadow dance With my hands

My finger in my ass With that But the butt is fat You love that song I've listened to it on a loop, too Well, I mean, you know I watched that video And then I listened to that

I have a make sound machine in front of me If you want me to pull it up Yeah A magical sound box Where is it? I shadow dance I shadow dance With my hands

My finger in my ass Was that song? But the butt is fat Where is it? It's from It's from Zeezer Yeah All right, here you go

I'll leave Zeezer Is this it? I thought this was it Yeah, this is it This is it Just let it go Double I'll leave Zeezer

Double hip classic Double hip classic Double hip My classic But the butt is fat But the butt is fat But the butt is fat But the butt is fat

But the butt is fat It's really got Great rhythm But the butt is fat But the butt is fat I bet Sexy Vacation Dead Yep Gets down at this point

I shadow dance With my hands Finger in my ass I shadow dance With my hands Finger in my ass But the butt is fat But the butt is fat

But the butt is fat But the butt is fat But the butt is fat But the butt is fat But the butt is fat Yeah, that's a jam dude Classics I'll leave Zeezer

What's your pronoun? Man, last week's episode I got into it with my parents About pronouns It was so fun Right Just to hear them be like So are you eat?

My dad was like I just like to get to know people's name I think the whole concept Just blew his mind He's like I just rather you ask your name Yeah, yeah Cause that's telling too

A name I go, you know You say like Zim over there And he's like Okay What's your pronoun? Yeah, what's your pronoun?

How do I hold the pronoun? Yeah, it's more insulting To ask someone's pronoun Yeah That's really rude Cause like I'm obviously a boy Dirt

I got so disgusting And then your sister Was on last week's episode And Holy moly Yeah The evolution of Maria's concerns I mean it used to be Starbucks

Yeah And then she had a kid Two kids And then now it's all about discharge Her biggest problem is vaginal discharge And semen leaking out of her And like Yeah

And fat people So fuck a thot Yeah It's disgusting Real loathing for fat people And we got so Disgusting People are so disgusting

So disgusting We use this app by the way Door dash a lot To get food delivered to us We finally Yesterday I think for the first time ever We're defeated by sushi

And we didn't realize what happened was We placed an order We actually ordered too much sushi Is what you're saying For the first time What I'm saying is that for the first We were given too much sushi I don't think we were ordered too much sushi

Oh okay Yeah because Remember the whole order complication Yeah it didn't make sense So we ordered at like five And it tells you It tracks your order You can see the restaurant has your order

The restaurant's making your food A driver picked up your order A driver's bringing your order And then it says delivered So it says like the restaurant's making your food And then it says the driver's waiting And then it's You know it's five o'clock ordered

At six o'clock it says the driver's waiting Six fifteen So now you're like alright it's been an hour Six thirty So you're like hey man what's going on And the guy's like The order is so big That I gotta wait

Which by the way we've heard that tall tale before Yeah and you're like It's always too big Yeah the sushi orders you're like Dude what are you talking about Our orders are always too big But they're not that big You know

But they always cry about how big it is They do And then they give us like ten sets of sushi Yeah They give us Like is this for your party you're throwing tonight Twenty chopsticks So they gave us you know

Yeah all the chopsticks and But usually it's just that we get you know I don't know let's say We order eight or nine sushi orders A couple rolls And sometimes there's something else You know seaweed salad Or something like that

So it's always like I don't know It feels very manageable But anyway this guy's like Well you know the order's so big And I'm like what are you talking about man Then I start doing the You can DM their customer service There's nothing to do with the driver

The driver's just there to pick up your food So it's never really This issue is not the driver issue This time Sometimes it is So one time the driver punked out And just decided not to show up And then another driver came

We've had lots of problems with the staff actually I know I'm not a fan some days Well I'm really not a fan of their customer service And what I mean is that I think it's so annoying when you can Read the training In a customer service person

You can sometimes you get it on the phone And you just go like I know you're just mimicking your training They try to empathize with you So they use the emotional empathy So they don't actually have to do anything Exactly I don't give a fuck if you care about my feelings

I'm sitting there like DMing this guy And I go look man It's been this long And I'm not getting an update Like what's going on And the first thing he writes is like I understand how frustrating that can be And I'm like

Oh god I don't want to vomit They just be a person Yeah and he goes Let me see what's going on So it's been this long And he then he writes me Your driver's getting the food right now

Right There's exactly Your driver's getting the food right now And I'm like okay And he goes how about I Refund like this or that And I go what does that amount to And he goes ten dollars

And I'm like okay And then I go you know that's weird Because the guy I actually talked I talked to the driver And I go well It's weird that it's ready now Because he was saying a moment ago That he has to wait

So I call the driver Which keep in mind We've already been It's an hour We've waited and usually the food At your house at an hour Right So it's already been an hour

It's passed since we placed this order I call the driver And I go hey man Do you have the food now And he goes no Like I said I have to wait Because it's so big And I go so how long are you going to wait

He's like it's going to be a while So then I message the guy I go hey man You just told me That the driver's getting the food right now And he's not Like you just said that To kind of dismiss me

You called him out Yeah I called him out I go and that's not It's not cool to do that And he just He went silent And I text I DM him

And you can see when Like when they're writing It's just like an iPhone conversation And he just went He went dark So I go At that point I was much more irritated By him bullshitting me

Yeah Then He lied to you Yeah he lied He phoned by the way So they think it's me It is it's all Christina So

Thank you for that Then I start a new chat With a new person And this guy Very nice guy I have to But I have to

I have to inform him Of everything that happened Of course And he goes Well I can go look at that chat He looks at it And I'm telling him The dude just told me

That they picked up the food But he didn't I go it's a lie It's a blatant lie And it's irritating And he goes I understand how Irritating that must feel

And I'm like Yeah man It sucks And I go So what are you going to I go your ten dollar credit It's like a therapist When I pair it back to you

You just said Your ten dollar credit Is not sufficient I don't want your ten dollar credit I go look at the amount of times I order Look at the amount of It's not cool

We live on door dash Sometimes I go make it right And he goes I'm seeing what I can do And then he goes What if I could wave

Five Delivery fees And then a service fee And I go Nope And I know That they They're big

You can tell You can read into the training As you read conversations That their main thing is like Don't give people refunds Right Don't give out money So the guy's like

Oh yeah And he keeps avoiding Answering my questions About refund Like I go You know So what's up with this refund And he goes

I just spoke to the driver Your food's going to be ready And we're like three exclamation points Like isn't that exciting And I go You're not answering me The question I just asked you Because he keeps

Right And he's like I'm working on this for you And then he asks me something else And I go Again can we do the refund And it just was over And over and over

And then you can tell He goes I can offer a 50% refund I was so exhausted at that point That I go Fine Yeah That's why I gave the phone to you

Because I knew That it was like An hour debacle It was so much work To get your money back Yeah I was willing to just Take the extra hour away

And be like Whatever dude Just fucking give it And in the end what we didn't realize Was that That you did Somehow ordered A party's worth of food

Like So much And thank god they gave us Credit because Well what happened Spent a fortune What happened there Here's what I think happened

Because when I opened it I was like What the fuck man I know But I was driving And I was with baby jeans So we're in the car Baby jeans is having a meltdown

I'm starving We're about to Get on the freeway And I'm thinking I'm gonna order this dinner I'm gonna be a fucking smart mom And an hour from now As we get home

Our dinner will be there And everything will be great So I'm the kids crying I'm there And I'm just like Ordering shit And I hand it to you Look at this over

Does this look okay Yeah you're to stop light We don't look it over I think what happened Is they have this feature You can look at the last order That you put And you can copy and paste it

And I think I looked At our previous order I didn't think that I had Submitted it again But maybe I had submitted The previous order And on top of that A new order

Of a massive amount of food For people that don't order sushi Massive It was massive Let me tell some people That don't know When you order sushi There's a

I'm gonna say it wrong Negidi Right Negidi And aziri I'm gonna say it I think the G is hard Okay

Like N-I-G-G-E-R-E There's not two Gs There's not two Gs You fucking racist Are you sure? Yes No I just want you to pronounce it That way it's phonetic

I'm smelling it out Big words Negiri That's what it is Negiri No No don't wait Say it the way I say it

Just the There's negiri There's sashimi And there's Sashimi And there's rolls Yeah So

If you really enjoy the fish portion of things You're getting sashimi Which is just fish No rice Or negiri Which is A slice of fish On a piece of like a ball of rice basically

Right So when you order negiri Which is the fish and the rice And you say I want one order That's two pieces Right So generally let's say It's a couple people

Maybe you get two orders of a fish You really like So that's four pieces Right It's always times two But like if you just go Oh let's try this You order one

You each get a piece I open They bring in like They give us like Eight styrofoam boxes It's so vast I open one Twenty chopsticks

And I see Twelve pieces of salmon Just salmon And I'm like Um Which means That's six orders Of salmon

Negiri sushi Open the next box Same thing with yellowtail Tuna I'm like So much food And at first You know

Cause we've been waiting long We're emotional I'm like We're gonna tear this shit up Go through a few You know A few bites of this A few bites of that

Was totally defeated By this order I mean Took us down Took us down Not just took us down I refrigerated You know

Fucking a hundred pieces of sushi And then Today lunch Um Before you got here I open the fridge I see six boxes Of

Styrofoam I ate I don't know As much as I could again And I still didn't get it Cause I was hoping you'd go back For your second dinner Which is usually what happens with sushi

Cause second dinner is Sushi is like air But you didn't go back For second dinner Too tired man Exhausted yesterday That was fucking Yeah

Horrible So much food It was too much But I still think the guy's a shit dick For lying about that That is That is not cool Especially from

Because you know You're gonna get angry Or actually If I didn't know I'd be even angrier Yeah That he had been like Oh, your food's coming

And I was like Oh, okay And then you just sit there And then an hour later I would have been like Hey, where are you? I'm waiting for your food I think that guy's an asshole

I think you're right I think he's an asshole too Yeah Wanna find out where he lives Yeah Well, thank god We got four hundred dollars off our order Oh my god

Serious That was a lot I guess Holy moly Yeah I had an addendum to that Oh, no I didn't

You didn't? You've been watching Homeland Oh my god You're finally into it I gotta say a couple things First of all I actually really am a fan Of getting into shows

A few seasons after they air So much It's really much more fun Once the hoopla dies down You can just like enjoy it You can watch seasons Not just a few Yeah

Like we did that with the Americans Yeah Which was so great And you could just go one season Two season I'm in there now with Homeland I'm losing my mind I'm almost done with season two

Oh And That's like the JV seasons Even, I think He disagrees Remember? Well, that's because he's a bird I think one and two are the best seasons

That's what birds always say Yeah He watched it in his nest Yeah I don't think so I like the later ones personally It's like I have theories But I don't want to ruin anything

No Don't say shit But Tom is up now You know, we have to wake up early With those baby jeans I woke up like seven in the morning Yeah I usually get up at eight

And you're You've been up fighting the terrorists Until one thirty in the morning I'll get up to pee and I'm like You're still watching Homeland Like you've blown through seasons now And they fuck you Right now

They're starting to go with the editing Because with every episode And you're like Shit If it was a normal time of Watching it as it aired I'd be like Oh great, next time

But I have the whole fucking library When I just get to go The what? The library I get to just press the next one And then what I've been doing is Just cutting myself off Like last night

I could have gone to bed so early I was so tired And at eleven thirty It was the middle of an episode I just got to I have to pull the plug I forced myself to turn around It's a long day

We had a long week Wow Okay Well I'm glad that you had the self-discipline To pull the plug on the episodes I had to do that too It's such a Way that they close out one episode

They're so good They're writing on it It's amazing It's such a cliffhanger You're like Oh I gotta know what to do What's it gonna have to carry now By the way

What about Abunazir? The Abunazir storylines What about Agent Brody? Sarge Brody It's so great I don't wanna give away I'm just recommending to listeners Who maybe have not explored the show

To give it a shot It's really well done I'm kicking bitsy right now Oh good I'm rubbing her belly with my foot She doesn't even care This is the most easy She ended up actually

For a bitsy update You know We got her about a year and change ago And she was a horrible dog For about a year And now Horrible in just a This annoying

Annoying way I mean she still chews a lot of shit But just high energy Wouldn't ever chill Now she's pretty good She ended up being a great dog She's under my feet right now And I'm just rubbing her

And she doesn't fucking care She loves it She loves it She's so easy going Using the two paws The grass Good girl She's a sweet girl

She still eats everything like a dummy They just got diarrhea I like racks They both had diarrhea These dogs Really cool By the way BlueBand pointed out to me that

When we played Beardo from Australia Teaching a Latin class on how to say Bird is fat We were laughing so hard that we missed A little exchange I'll play the whole thing for you right now So fucking funny

So let's say we are describing people in Latin For using adjectives So let's say the adjective Obesus means fat Let's try using that for sentence So I'll put this on the board Let's say Bart Kreisler

Obesus Est Can everyone say that together? Bart Kreisler Obesus Est Exactly, very good Who's Bart Kreisler? Just some huge fat guy Okay, moving on

So last week when we played that We laughed so hard at the kids Or the class saying it We missed that Who's Bart Kreisler? Just some huge fat guy Bart Kreisler Obesus Est

Exactly, very good Who's Bart Kreisler? Just some huge fat guy Oh man, I just talked to Bart a moment ago He was saying that When he was in Montreal For the festival a while back The festival, I bet he got even fatter

Getting that poutine I'm sure he did, but he goes Dude, everywhere I walked If I hadn't seen someone in a while They'd be like, hey man, Tom is fucking fat That's how they would greet him They're like, he's way fucking fatter than you do That was the greeting he got

From people he hadn't seen in a year That you're way fatter than him That's patently false But they're face to face with him Can you imagine how much fatter he got in Montreal? When we went last year I was pregnant, five months pregnant Every ten steps, there's a poutine

There's everything And you're booze If you're not pregnant, you just booze it up all week Every night what you do is you do your shows And you guys, you want to get fucking hammered And everyone just drinks And then you eat on top of that And then you go to bed

The late night eating The eating before the drinking I remember every two steps There was a waffle place near it And I would just, you know He's so much fatter this week after Oh yeah, yeah I bet

Yeah, yeah He's one of the fastest guys ever Well, the fastest guys in the business Is what they say That's what's on his bio now And did you see this, by the way? Let me pull this over here You're gonna shit your pants

This is fucking real And no, I did not do this But it is Let me see But but but is fat But but but but but but Oh man, sorry This is fine listening

I know, but I'm trying to do something Just to be a pal This is a website Isn't that crazy? It's burntchrysler.com B-U-R-N-T Chrysler.com And by the way

Yes, you see that our bird is fat Shirt is here I didn't set this up What's crazy is that I think someone else Made a website too What? Really? Is this from the cheat sheet

Or is this a different one? No, no, I just somebody messaged me this This is not from the cheat sheet Because someone made one that looks different than this Oh my god, there's two websites now And this and like they are linking it Yeah, they link it to my page But I didn't

Oh my god I didn't do this man Dude, this is taking on a life of its own And it has an about me section on it Oh my god And then I saw in the end here it goes He is widely recognized as the fattest comedian Of all time

In comparison to the current water champion And physically fit comedy And then it's every hashtag bird is fat tweet Oh Why bird is fat Oh my god I mean This is a well made website

It's really well made It must have used Squarespace I was going to say Oh man It looks like it started Another one Really? Oh my god

That is insane Wait, look at the quote here Tom Segura is in better shape And a better athlete He's a beast Stuart Scott dead Yeah dude And they have like

This is like on a loop This video of his What happens when What actually hit bird is fatter I don't know Oh it just goes Why bird is fatter That is unreal man

So good That is unreal That's like when I tell him I go dude You know It's not This isn't like Sorry guys I got to hydrate

Me You know this isn't like This is way bigger than me Being like Hey you should do this A fan made Oh this is the thing you said Do you see how I'm drinking water right now?

Yeah yeah yeah This is the other website thing you said A fan Almost done with that one I'm just going with the other ones This is ridiculous This is the first website that he made Oh my god

He literally took a website Making to make this Yeah yeah What is that picture Oh that's me in Kyrgyzstan Of all things Yeah Next to water

Oh that's hilarious How did that picture end up What is a water champ website Oh yeah yeah It's just I didn't even know this existed About Christina has claimed To be the water champion yet

Research hardly shows her consumption Coffee, yes, beer, oh yeah Some brown stuff that looks like Melted poo in a cup Unfortunately Wow Wow This is really interesting

How do people And they have little details Yeah And it's called waterchampionmommy.com So funny Wow Wait there's water champion Oh how funny

And then here's my water Tom Our current water champ And our main man Yeah dude Bullshit Bullshit Yeah look at that big

Fucking mug of water right there Please Tommy remains our mommy water champ Tommy's trophy in trouble Oh I like that Let's look at that argument Man this is really really cool How fat I was after I had Ellis

Please So embarrassed Every day Oh and it links to To Thomas fat bird Oh is that probably to the store Thomas fat Here we see

Don't be fooled a jacket adds 40 pounds Oh that's hilarious There's very little evidence That Tom is in fact fat That's hilarious Tom barely taking up a third of the frame He is so svelte Wearing the short sleeve

So we can see his massive pythons Letting the world know Not to mess with this mommy You guys are ridiculous This is hilarious And look at the water background Bert car company that went bankrupt Is just downright fat

Holy shit Wow We have the best fans Look at this Look at this We cannot fit another photo But as he is too fat And we do not have room on our page

You guys are hilarious We have the best fans Arshall has the best fans ever I think I was looking at the emails People made artwork for the Cincinnati fart They made that Instagram meme I put up about you

When you nut and she keeps sucking Did you make that meme? No no no Sent in through my list I think the Shane McLeary That was funny So funny By the way

Listener email here Hey mommies I recently saw a rebroadcast Of burnt Chrysler's Periscope In the video called Working Out Five minutes in Bert is wearing some kind of weather balloon suit While claiming to be the real water champ

And claiming that little baby jeans Ellis is fake Shocked and in disbelief I almost spit my water out And loosened my jeans He was taking a lot of brown Talking a lot of brown Said that Ellis was just a bit

Wow mommies Please confirm this Is Ellis real? I love you Ollie Zeezer Oh it's Ollie Yeah Hey Ollie

First of all You're such a talented musician Thank you very much For all your submissions We love you I think if you listen to last week's episode Where we brought baby jeans In the office

He barely made a peep But you can tell there's a little baby in there Yeah he was sitting on my lap He just woke up from his nap And he just You know Fumbled on the mic I don't know

We've always felt like it's weird To post pictures of your children Yeah I feel like we're in show business And not our son Like if he wants to be When he's older Great But I don't think it's fair to him to like

Water champion's also the yogurt champion Bull Shit your mom Who brought that up Blue band Who brought that I brought it up earlier Oh

Fucking Blue band Who brought that here Watching your parents fight Just tell the truth No one's asking you to lie Chris Chris jeans have brought it up

Thank you Thank you You're such a You lie to them You lie Tastes like jujus It's so yummy Jujus

That's so stupid When's your colonoscopy It's on the 16th Nice I can't wait I can't wait I can't wait I can't wait

It's on the 16th Nice I can't wait Yeah Ba ba ba to his fat Ba ba ba ba ba ba Thank you, Ollie Yes, we have a real son

His name is Ellis And he's just eight months old Yeah He just, yeah, eight months this week Yep Dude, he's rad He's the best thing we ever did Yeah

I mean, I did it You didn't really do much I don't know My specials I'm really proud of Sorry So What does that have to do with our son You said the best thing I ever did

Oh, your career stuff Your career stuff You think it's more important than your son Yeah, absolutely Yeah That's healthy That is healthy, right? Yeah

Can we talk about Are we talking about What we're doing now What I want to tell the story about We're looking at houses Yeah So we've decided to look to buy a home

Right, because we rent a house right now We've been renting it It sucks I don't want to have a fucking landlord anymore It's terrible I remember we saw that house That was such fucking dog shit Yes

And like Which one I know, don't you hate that Yeah, you walk in the house Oh, that's what you're talking about The lady And I was like, let's go This is the best

So the lady We walk in the house First of all, you were behind But I walked in with our Agent No, no, with the showing agent The showing agent opened the door And the lady was down there

And the lady looked back She was like, oh And the showing She goes, oh Oh And she She sounded What race did she sound?

She goes, oh Oh Oh No But she was Asian And And No

We met at some like Oh No So she goes Yeah You just did it like that No She goes, oh

Oh And The lady goes I didn't know you were home You're never home at this hour And she goes, I'll go upstairs So we start walking around And

You know, we walk through the living room And the dining room And then we get to the kitchen It's so depressing We love depressing houses Yeah, depressing furniture Yeah, stop Depressing, you know, design

To the 70s It's just, yeah Get your life Don't take some pride in your home So we sit in the kitchen And then As we're walking through to the stairs And I'm glad you did it

Because I was just going to do the thing Where I keep going Oh, no We're carrying our son You go We can just go And she goes She goes, all right

And she goes, thank you And the lady goes Oh, okay She was acknowledging like Oh, you're saying that downstairs sucks so bad You don't even want to come upstairs Oh, okay Okay

And there's another one that we toured The bathroom I like that Remember, we went upstairs Where the guy has shortlist pictures of himself With his children That's so weird And sitting on the couch

Not like on a beach Yeah He's sitting on his couch, shirtless With his kids Can I tell you something? My dad and I did a Christmas card When I'm seven years old Yeah

He's shirtless in it And we're sitting in front of the fireplace He's shirtless I'm standing in front of him At dick level Yeah And I'm holding my cabbage patch doll Yeah

And he sent that to everybody Weird I got to find it I'm going to find it And I'll show you the picture It's horrible Maybe they're European, you know But that one

We just checked out the master And I was like They had like dark purple walls It's just weird Weird There's ledges that tell you Like what goes up there? They're like, it's just a design idea

And you're like, it looks terrible And we just walk out We go Start walking down the stairs And you go, thank you And that's That means like I don't like it

Done It's like a polite way And that real estate person was also like Oh Well Thank you They're so defeated When you

Yeah When your enthusiasm dies Well, I don't like to waste my time It was 110 degrees We had the baby You know, you and I were taking turns Carrying baby jeans through these homes And it's not like

You can take a stroller If you're looking at two-story homes Or stairs So we had to like I had to wear the hippie mobi wrap And put them in And my bag was hurting So I was like, all right

Let's fucking wrap this up I ain't fucking around Shopping for a home We, you know A lot of people buy homes In certain parts of the country Like in their 20s Oh my gosh

Because you can Yeah We're, you know I'm approaching I'm seven years younger than you But I'm Bullshit You fucking lie so much

On this show But I We've never bought a house We still haven't bought a house It's our first time This would be It's a daunting undertaking To buy a house

It is You know one house we saw You know how it looks great On the interwebs And you're like This is gonna be awesome And you show up And my fuck they got me

Yeah They tricked me And then you go in And one of them smell like dog piss Remember Like someone just let their dogs piss All over their house For like 15 years

Yeah What are you doing How do you let that happen It's just unsanitary stuff Like dude Or like My favorite is on these sites Like Zillow

We've been on there constantly Where They don't hire a professional To take the photo Like I'm just gonna take Fucking iPhone pictures Those Like what are you doing

People should be fucking punished Yeah Stop You see like The right thing to do is Either Just hire someone to do it Or use a nice camera

Use a really nice camera And put up nice photos People will walk up to their lamp Snap a photo with their iPhone Or a fucking chair And you're like What are you doing Or just the bed

You're like Are you selling the bed too Is that part of the home And they'll have the You know drapes closed Lights off There's barely light in the room And they upload that photo

And you're like What are you doing And then you see like 2.9 million Okay asshole I know I hope no one buys your house So delusional

You can always tell the house Is a turd I've learned On these real estate websites If they do The external shot of the house At night time With the lights on Inside

It's a turd If they lead with the backyard picture It's a turd Sure That's nine times that That's what I've learned Now that was an interesting one Yeah it didn't sound like the others

It sounded like a person Was coming out of your stomach Like a soul Escaped No let's talk about the lead photos That is a good thing If your lead profile photo On real estate is a night shot

That's what I'm saying A night shot The pool A pool shot Or No or if your lead shot Is indoors Yeah

That's also That means this place Sucks Here's an indicator that's good It's outdoors It's the picture of the home It's the facade of the house Daytime lit

Daytime Noon It's fucking high noon See what this house looks like Exactly They're trying to trick you Sometimes there's like a tree In a corner of the house

You're like what the fuck are you avoiding You think you slick You can't fool me You think you slick You can't fool me Okay Just so you know I played a black woman On 10 penali video game

2004 It was my first voiceover gig Did you know that? It sounded like you were mocking Mocking people right there I wasn't I was like That sounded like you were

That was a joke I was being joking That's not my authentic black woman voice I have a different Authentic You sounded like Like it was I was offended

Oh you're offended? Yes Interesting Speaking of being offended My documentary Can We Take a Joke Came out this week Tom and I went to the premiere

Yeah Really great Jeans I'm so proud of you Oh thanks for me You narrated the film In your Narrarated In your not black voice

In your white Alive Woman voice My white voice Yeah And it was You did such a good job Aw thank you

The film is really Really great Especially for comedy fans And you can start Yes You know On-demand All the on-demand services

Tomorrow Is it tomorrow? August 2nd You can download it on iTunes You can watch it on Amazon You can watch it on direct On-demand everywhere It's coming out

Can we take a joke Can we take a joke Ted Valacher directed it And your jeans Narrated it Jim Norton's in it Lisa Lampinelli I'm trying to remember

Gilbert Gottfried Gilbert who steals the show I think he did such a great job And it's about the First Amendment stuff It is A lot of Lenny Bruce stuff in there Yeah It's really great

Please support this film I think it's one of my favorite things I've ever worked on Besides your mom's house Obviously Yeah You were so cute at the premiere You wore your sexy dad glasses

We took pictures You can see them Yeah On my Instagram of sexy dad Sexy dad doing a sexy thing Yeah We had like a little date night It was nice to go out with you

It was fun And you did the Q&A afterwards And you murdered that You're sweet You did great It was mortifying You were the only comic on stage That is a good point

And then you were making it funny Thank you Yeah I love you I love you too I'd like to say marry too For another week or so Well, would you like to say

Marry to me longer If I were a bad boy? Or a lot of things Smart, funny, reliable Even charming But a bad boy You are not And neither am I

A bad boy is the guy That all the ladies love And all the dudes like you and me We hate A look that screams I'm going to break your heart And women are powerless Against this bad boy bravado

But gentlemen I'm here to tell you By creatively utilizing The right accessory We can trick the shit out of some people I love it I love this guy Remember that guy

Are you being serious? No, I'm serious Because there was that TV show Mystery You love him in a sincere way? No, yes Because here's why He's right Women are very superficial

No, hear me out Women are very superficial And a lot of good guys Get overlooked Because they don't meet the quote Look that a lot of dumb sluts like Thank you, the end You should be encouraging everybody

You know to not listen to this guy This is the biggest douchebag of all time What's wrong with you? No, he's teaching you how to look Like a douchebag to attract women And you think that's good advice? I think in some cases that, yeah Initially, some guys need to

Doll up their appearance To attract a woman, yeah No, he's not saying doll up your appearance He's not saying let's be bad boys And get accessories to do it What's wrong with you? No, he's saying dress like a douchebag And then you can attract the girls to get laid

And again, this is like You're signing off on that Mystery, remember that TV show? Yes, of course It's the same thing Remember he said to have flair Now, I've already covered how to develop That signature bad boy look

You've got your bad boy signature style That's great But accessorization is the key To putting the icing on the bad boy's style Accessorization But you're not cringing at this guy? Really? No, because I think he has a point

And I think he's absolutely right I want to meet somebody new I need to meet somebody What are you talking about? You're just jealous Can I point something out? I think you're just jealous Because you're a sexy dad

And you've learned how to Sexify your dad appeal And this guy's figured it out For the single guy Oh my god He's right Some boys need help They don't need this help

How do you not How can you not tie that together? This isn't the help you need You know what I think? BlueBand could use like a leather cuff No God Alright, so first

Let's go over some bad boy accessory don'ts Bad boys don't wear toe rings If you're currently wearing a toe ring Turn the video off and go change your dress Because bad boys, they don't wear toe rings And they most certainly don't wear ankle bracelets True Yeah, that's great

Are you a bad boy, Tom? I have 10 toe rings on right now As a general bad boy accessory rule of thumb I would say avoid accessorizing anything below the waist The exception would be if you have your junk pierced And I'm assuming also That if you're man enough to pierce big Al in the twins You're probably not watching my videos

You, my friend, are a bad boy Through and through, you're the guy Parents are worried about Congratulations God, he's the worst I want to fucking bomb it in my mouth I think I also just I think he's cute, I'm into it

Oh, my God Never been so turned off by you in my entire life The way he even says bad boy You're a bad boy Are you a bad boy? I feel like he just wants to stick his dick In some dude's mouth right now He's like, no, I'm a bad boy

I'm a bad boy, yeah You don't sense that here? No, I don't get that But if that's what you see in the collage Then I'll let you see that We project what we want to see See what you want to see He's just like, get over here

Suck this dick right now I mean, that's what you want to hear For a fine That's what he wants Thank you, sir Maybe you want to suck his I can't believe you're into this Completely fucking douchebag

So what is he advocating? He's saying that he's trying to Be a bad boy And if you want to be a bad boy Get some fucking wrists Are you kidding me right now? Can I say something? You're right

He's a douchebag And bad boys are douchebags But he's saying if you want to get laid You kind of have to bad boy No, no You totally don't get it There's two Oh

There's genuine dudes Who are Douchebags Some are douchebags Some there are also like just Actual badass dudes out there Where it's not a play Like it's really who they are

You can't mimic that You can't teach that When you copy that You're a douchebag You're trying to copy the guy Who's genuinely like that Like rock stars Are like fucking

Right They're a real deal But they're rock stars Yeah, Steven Tyler And then like when you try to Mimic a rock star's Persona You look like an asshole

Of course You don't have that swag inside of you Right That makes you that cool Right So this guy is basically being like You should do that You should try to imitate actual

Really cool Naturally cool people Which is like the grossest thing you could do And you're going to make people Even doucheier Than they are The ones that sign up To do something like that

You know To try to imitate But I thought he said in the beginning That girls dig bad boys And he's going to show you They're going to go for the real bad boy They're going to go for Well no, here's the thing though

Just hear me out Hear me out Yeah What if there's a guy Who's a sweet guy But his gear's all whack But he doesn't need this This isn't bad advice

What if just a little piece of flair I'm not telling like Like not a leather cuff But just like Put some Do your hair nicer But that's a different video That's not this video

That's not the bad boy video Oh no Well that's the video I want I want to see like Just help these nerds you know Yeah Help this nerd That's the video I want to see

That's a totally different video though That's a totally different video You said that like Your sister Pierce Theors Another sort of On the fence bad boy accessory Now some guys with the small gauges

Look super tough But I am not a fan Of stretching your earlobes Because eventually If you stretch them too much And you decide that you're not mad At your mom anymore Your earlobes are going to look like

Stretched out buttholes And require surgery Alright Not bad Elton says bad boy Like a super cool ring Rings are not only a great accessory They're a great conversation starter

Oh my god Just for the record Just for the record I hate bad boy You know that I've never dated a guy that wore A ring with an M Sure

Yeah I don't see that at all In his energy But you keep playing what you want But in my personal opinion There is no better way To say yo I'm a bad boy Even if I'm not one

Than wearing cool bracelets Bracelets are a great way To accessorize your wrist In a super cool way He's right You can do it in casual clothes But you can also do it In dress clothes

No you can't It sends the message Yo I'm a bad boy What's up I got bracelets on Don't be afraid to wear Multiple bracelets on the same wrist And mix your materials

Alright you got leather This is just a simple leather cord That I wrapped a few times Around my wrist I've got some cool beaded bracelets And these are super easy To make yourself I actually did a video

Where I show you and teach you How to make these beaded bracelets For yourself There's a link down in the description To find those bracelets With the super cool watch And you are a bad boy perfection Oh my god

I can only hope That he just has a bracelet company And that's what this whole thing was about I hope so It basically is how to be a douchebag He's telling you how to look Like a douchebag The leader of all the douchebags

Nothing says it Like a bad boy Like it's fucking horrific What is that Like that northeastern North Atlantic accent Like bad boy Bad boy

Then bracelets See these leather things here I just put them on myself It's really easy to make My name is Joe Kramer And I'm a massage instructor With this self anal massage You can reclaim

An important part of yourself We haven't played this video in so long But it came to our attention We never did it with the video We couldn't see it Oh right Now we can see this guy No little babies enjoy their assholes

When you were very young You had no shame You certainly didn't carry tension In your sphincter muscles We were taught that there are places On our body that we should avoid The asshole is at the top of the list Well for obvious good reasons

Yeah but I do wish you would explore Dirty stuff comes out of there I really wish you would You know why? Because that's where bad boys That's where bad boys like fingers to go In dirty places Until I was 30 years old

I hated my asshole Hated it A non-stop inflamed hemorrhoids Not fun That's why you hated it And put surgery on my asshole Breathing techniques demonstrated in this video I have relaxed and healed my asshole

I don't know Stop saying asshole weirdo And his mustache doesn't help matter to you He's talking in like clinical terms My asshole My massage Why can't you just say my massage My anus surgery

I don't know I don't know I recommend clenching your asshole In rhythm with your breathing I'd like to show you four different anal breathing rhythms I don't know I think this one was edited out of order Right but I'm saying

Is the joke here like Is the thing how this video got like he was saying anus And they made it sound like asshole That's a good question Maybe we just took an asshole from a different part of the video Right and then just dropped it It's really, really ridiculous That he's like

I never had any black experiences with my asshole The first is just a sigh A deep breath During On the inhale, clench And on the exhale, relax No thanks I would love to see you make love to this man

Oh my God No, I can't take it Would you take him or the bad boy? The bad boy I can't do this Why? This is just You experienced so much more pleasure with him

Nerd city He would totally get your asshole tingling And you'd take his asshole I don't need my asshole to tingle The next breath is faster And clench faster All the efforts on the inhale Do it, Tom

We're gonna practice before your colonoscopy How does it feel? I feel a fart coming Do it, do it The third breath is a step breath On the inhale, a double step So it's like this And you have two steps in your plan

How do these people Can I tell you something? A lot of time, right? A lot of time You have time to worry about your asshole I don't have time in my day to worry about How I've ignored my asshole This asshole has too much time on his hands

He ain't got no wife, no kids No job Please You do a hundred anal breaths a day You will start to let go of anal tension But if you're interested in high levels of wellbeing I recommend five hundred to a thousand anal breaths a day That's a lot

Yes, five hundred to a thousand That's a lot of anal breath That's a lot of just time spent with your asshole Can I tell you how the bad boy video angered you? Yeah This angers me Really? And I hear more

Thank you, sir From this guy and the other guy That's a little obvious I don't recommend doing all thousand without a break This angers me Your anal breaths and sets like a weightlifter Yeah, see? The mustache

The mustache The anal breaths Yeah And many men Massage of the rosebud is complete in itself Oh, yeah When the sphincter muscles have been stretched and relaxed There's total satisfaction

Nice Nice Total satisfaction Do you miss your foreskin? Do I miss it? Do you miss it? Like, you know how there are men that like I need to reclaim my foreskin

That movement, the foreskin movement And then they pull it using pins and stuff That's when I feel like this is like There's protestors now that do that To circumcision, yeah, I know There's a whole movement, not to circumcise And they're like, I wish I had had a choice No one gave me a choice

It's true, Tom They brutalized me at birth Just like your gender assignment Someone called you a boy And someone gave you circumcision Stuck with it Stuck with it How dare they

I wish you guys hadn't done that to me Do you miss it though? Is that a thing for you? No, never think about it Sometimes I pull on what's left of my botch circumcision It's not botch, babe, it looks great I'll put a picture online, you can tell me what you think But he's like reclaiming his asshole

Asshole He's saying that he was How do you say? Asshole That he was robbed of his asshole pleasure And he's reclaiming that Like it's important to him See that angers me

Because I feel like his priorities are way out of whack Like you don't have a family to focus on Or friends or dog to walk Something in your life besides reclaiming your anal pleasure That makes me mad When people are like this much of a loser Like come on, bro He really knows how to make

Focus on some shit that matters He really knows how to Yeah Enjoy his asshole Yeah, people can't have access to fresh drinking water There's starving children That doesn't mean you should ignore your asshole Animals being abused

You shouldn't ignore your asshole though Million other causes you could take up, bro Jesus Christ By the way, this is a real commercial Commercial meaning they filmed it and put it up A car company Yeah, they just like They didn't air it on TV

But they put the phone number and everything I think it's in Kansas City We got Grandma Keith $1,600 Maybe daddy's special Grandma's special right here $1,600 We got

We even got a you fix it part You fix it We got shit with bumpers hanging off of it We got a lot of shit If you want to fix it We got a lot of shit It doesn't matter Just make sure you bring somebody down here with you

Because we all sell this shit as is Now we drive it We test drive it We change the oil We do what we can to make this shit happen But three months down the line I don't want to hear about no alternators You got a flat tire

You brakes don't work Look, fuck that We selling motor transmission As long as that motor ain't blown up All that transmission ain't fucking slipping Don't bring that shit back tripping Bring your baby daddy's Bring your grandpas

Your grandmas bring any motherfucker you want to bring To check these motherfuckers out Because we don't want you to bring this shit back Complaining about nothing Cast cars $6,707 possible Okay That's tight

That's how DoorDash should be That's how I wish they were We might get you shit on time We might not It's your problem Not my problem Did you get your food? Not my job

What is Kansas City? It's real, not my job I really do appreciate that directness I do too, always have It's an honest car salesman There are none except for him Don't come here fucking your bullshit I don't want to hear that shit

Don't come crying about your alternator What was that again? Don't come crying about your alternator It sounds like you're mocking somebody Not mocking anybody I was just doing a silly voice, Tom I'm a voiceover artist I do several silly voices

Which I like to hear I do many voices Yes, I would like to hear There you go Wow Professional cartoon voiceover artist Can you do another one? What do you want?

Do a nerve It's a chicken Wow That was really good Thank you Can you do a horse? Wow Wow

That is really impressive Thank you Want your goat? Yeah Ready? Yeah Are these all sound effects from the first song that you made? No, that was just from the Apple computer

But I can do them as well You can do a nerd? Yeah, I'm not doing that one That's an actual character that I do in my repertoire, so So? Do it, Stuart Do it No, doing the real voices

No Come on No I have to pee, can I pee? Pee right now, pee in your seat Okay, go ahead How was your pee? It was good, and you know what I was thinking is that

You might be the master of accents I'm the master of animals Yeah, yeah You send in the animal you want me to do and I'll do it Wow, what a call That's what I'm saying Whoa You want to hear Zebra, I'll work on it, you know

Just the way you threw your hands up there Really fucking intimidating Coyotes, hedgehogs, I'll work on it Oh, by the way, somebody said My name is Jim in regards to a few weeks ago in the podcast A man claimed there are no people in Benning, Billings, Montana As fat as Tom or Bert, I have lived in Billings my entire life And I promise there are people here even fatter than Tom or Bert

Although with Bert, it is close However, there are no comedians here as fat as Bert Because he's the fattest fucking comedian Oh my God Good luck guys, James Watergate theory, hey shitlers After hours upon hours of research and film study The recent controversy of who the real H2O champ has come under question

I myself am an equal opportunity mommy lover But it seems that the polls lately may have been skewed Buns declared himself water champ Thank you And I call bullshit, Tom Okay I was recently watching episode 346 on YouTube Before any of the water scandal was brought to light

And it's clear as day Tom sat through a whole episode Without so much as a sip of H2O None in sight as a matter of fact While mommy C had a glass of brown Interesting And a glass of water Even though she was taking Yorkies, not cool I know this isn't a significant piece of evidence

I thought I should bring it to the table See something, say something Hello Yours truly, Derek Thanks, Derek Thank you, Derek I'm glad that finally More water

You know what's going to happen is that the truth will come out eventually Your propaganda, you know one time had blue band bring you a gallon of water before the show And you know this showboating nonsense The truth is this is a marathon The water drinking champion and I will prevail You think so? I am prevailing I drink more water than you

Okay Finally, I hydrate constantly You're right I feel like it's not even close Time will tell Thank you for writing that in, Derek Thank you, Derek A shadow dance

A shadow dance Here we go Floss them shits Dental updates, everybody We got a few Oh, again It's been a while A lot of people have been writing in about their dental updates

Hi, mommies Three weeks ago, Christina mentioned a crown It seemed a little bit wobbly And was concerned about popping it off lossing I recently had a crown installed And this is what my dentist told me It's a little bit wobbly It's a little bit wobbly

It's a little bit wobbly It's a little bit wobbly And this is what my dentist told me You can still floss But after you push them He's a dad He doesn't know that we've already covered this You covered this?

Remember, I said that I read this email Yeah And, oh, it was on Patreon Okay, never mind I read this email and I... But continue I'm sorry, I didn't realize We didn't do it on the regular show

Okay You can do it in between Just don't move it around Don't pull it All right, straight back through All right So what he's saying is When you floss around a wobbly crown

You just put the floss down And then run it through Like you pull it out And you don't pop it back up Okay So I've been doing that It's really helped Thank you

Okay, well, that was... I started doing that on this person's advice Donica Donica Yeah Donica By the way, the Patreon show The newest one is fucking fire

Yeah, it's so fun Thank you to everybody that signed up If you haven't signed up It's Patreon Put this shit down Patreon Put this shit down Dot com slash mom

Patreon dot com slash mom And, yeah, bonus episode went up today Right? August 1st Yeah, August 1st And there's all kinds of different tiers And different prizes And the 20, $20 people this month

Get a commemorative poster Yeah, if you signed up before August 1st Then you get that Cincinnati Fark poster Yeah, which isn't... Do we have it online yet? I don't think we have it Not yet, but we'll post it

Should we show it right now? Sure I have it up on my Twitter account Here There's shadow dots Can you... Okay Look at that

Look at that fucking thing More chairs made this Rob It's great Unbelievable, man Yeah I love it It's like a greasy mad magazine style

Yeah I love this so much So cool All right, more dental updates So I have dental updates I haven't been to the dentist in two years Not because I don't like the dentist I love keeping my choppers clean

But because I left college I moved cities Looking for a job Dental insurance to go with it Well, now my new brand of dental insurance I found a new dentist for a checkup and a cleaning I was already a little wary of a new place Trying to pull one over on me

And as I was filling out my paperwork A woman came in to complain about billing On her way out, looked at me and whispered Be careful Oh Not a good sign After doing x-rays and a quick exam The dentist started telling me I had periodontitis

That's expensive That's gum disease Is that how you say it? Periodontitis I think so It sounds like a dinosaur Yeah Even though my teeth were

Worked well within the healthy depth measurements for gum She also told me that because the plaque buildup On my teeth required The use of dental tools It would constitute a deep cleaning Oh, bullshit Which would cost me 360 Yeah, the deep cleaning

Dental tools is extra I got out of my chair and screamed Do your job, sweetie That's your job Do your job That's your Sweetie Job, sweetie

Sweetie She continued to tell me I had three cavities Oh, boy I would need them fixed immediately An extra $180 Each one I told her I wanted to go home And think about it They tried to pressure me into doing it right then

Oh, get your life Even offering I could do a cleaning for a half today Okay, there you go That's a racket I'm not going to walk around with half my face Looking nasty like that You know what I'm saying? Yeah

Having listened to many a dental update segment I knew this was a scam dentist Needless to say I got the hell out of there I'm looking for a second opinion I'm going to take Tina Jean's advice And look for an eastern blocker dentist That's the real deal I'm not going to screw me over

Keeping them high and tight Tori, way to go, Tori Don't let those fuckers Have, they'll drill into your head Yeah To make a few hundred bucks Terrible And we won't even need it

And the fact that he said it's only been two years Since his last visit You don't have periodontal disease I don't think in just two years Of not seeing a dentist Well, there's this thing to When you get dental insurance And you get, you know

Oh, then they see Yeah, they They rack it up They will rack that shit up And Yeah If you know if you take care Of your dental hygiene

Pretty well Like you're somebody who kind of You know, flosses regularly Brushes your teeth And you go in And there's just this All these things they want to do I would always check it out somewhere else

Bullshit Bullshit, bullshit They tell you you got multiple cavities I would take it somewhere else too Absolutely Take those x-rays somewhere else Ask to have the x-rays And take them

Dude, check out this one I wanted to share my dental update with you Yeah Since your dental update segment Inspired me to go to the dentist recently After over 15 buttery yellow years Of avoiding it Oh, shit

15 years Oh, that's when you get the periodontal disease Right While I brush my teeth every day And use mouthwash I have never, ever floss these shits Oh, no Since my wisdom teeth are growing

And I spent years in pain Uh-oh With each passing year My teeth hurt more Yeah And more I became convinced That they were rotting And riddled with cavities

Finally the pain was so intense I cracked Went to the dentist Turns out I definitely need my wisdom teeth out All four have grown in They're crowded But what is amaze

Is they took a panoramic x-rays And I have zero cavities Wow The dentist said I have perfect teeth Thanks for helping me work up the courage To face my dental fears Next step, whitening

So I can have pearly whites Like Christina Like main monotena That's from Jenny Not Tom Thanks, Jenny Good for you, Jenny Good for you

You know, 15 years There's nothing to be afraid of, guys Yeah You know, they numb you What you're afraid of is a shot, maybe That part's a little uncomfortable Yeah And your wisdom teeth coming out

That sucks I'm not gonna lie, Jenny But you get painkillers And you'll be right as rain In a couple weeks You'll be cool You'll be fine And then you can get back to your workouts

Good job Let's go ahead and keep moving And we're gonna lunge to the side for one One Squeeze your abs Two Three I'm gonna get this fucking circus

I love it Remember when we played It reminded me of how hard I laughed When that guy got hit by that car In the garage I was like I was like I was like

I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like

I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like in the garage Do you remember that? I found that really troubling

Oh shit Why was that so funny Look at you reliving it now I'm just taking a breath I haven't laughed that hard in a while Like yeah Cause the Something got hurt

recipes Look at you Violence Oh man I'm surprised you shared that good time in your head just now Yeah Cause lately you've been having fun thoughts Yeah

And then you don't share them with me And you'll Like last night we were getting ready for bed And you were having so much fun Yeah And you were having good fun thought times And you were like laughing to yourself And I was like

What's the joke Tom? Tell me You're like No I don't want to share with you And then you pushed me and pushed me Because like Then don't make such a fun time about it

Then keep it to yourself You can't just sit there laughing and smiling And then not share the joke Man Why can't I do that? Cause it's fucking rude We're comedians It's rude

You have to let me know what you're laughing at It's a professional courtesy Man It was It wasn't even a good one Alright You made me tell you and I told you And it wasn't even good

And I liked it I liked that you shared And you were like Tell me Tell me what you're thinking right now What are you No I said tell me what you're

What are you getting joy from right now Cause I hate when you have joy And you don't share the joy It's not fair And I needed some joy I was tired Yeah Yeah I found it

This is so funny Remember this? This is somewhere Yeah I don't think it's that funny It's like It's like I don't know Where is that?

Not America It's somewhere in Asia So the car is Rolling into this garage It's kind of slowly Making its way in You can tell there's like a little bit of a speed bump Or something

And then it's like Rolling on to the The guy's back there on his clipboard It's like backing up And you can tell the guy's revving it Yeah The man doesn't think it's funny The man's looking at you the way I'm looking

I'm sorry I'm missing the funny Now This man just probably got His legs broken He's in pain babe It's not funny His legs are broken He can't stand

He's collapsing Cause his legs are broken and This is the best part though This other guy He's like what's up What's up Like Did something

He's screaming He can't stand up Look at his concern Yeah I know It's terrible Huh? You dropped something back there? He just walks away

It's a shitty friend He's still on the floor And he's writhing in pain He's back You need a hand? He looks like He dropped Like a

Like a business card earlier He said Where did I put that? The guy can't get up babe He's alright He's not alright He's not popped up yet He comes up later

He's not Look at the title of the thing It's not even funny It doesn't say funny anywhere I don't know why you're laughing Yeah man gets crushed by car Can't get up He's paralyzed from the waist down

And you're dying of laughter Oh man Dude this is what I do Think you're a serial killer It's moments like this from me TV news reported the guy is fine That's what it says here It does

You're gonna murder me in my sleep LeBan's not laughing He's laughing He's laughing at you right now I'm laughing at how you're laughing Yeah Hard at this Christmas Why?

Because it's not normal Oh yeah it's not funny No At all? No It's a guy getting run over by a car And you find it hilarious Well

It's he goes Right cause he's in pain And he's a foreigner He doesn't make the same sounds In American wood And Again Okay

Oh my god You're such a psycho You need to tell your therapist about this Will you please bring this up in therapy He goes I lost it at the part Where he backs up and the dude falls on the floor LOL

That's a comment underneath there That's you Yeah did you just No it's not Yeah a liar People are like Wow man I hope the car isn't hurt Now don't try to look for evidence to support

Your mental illness You have problems Why do I have problems Because it's not It's supposed to be funny I don't think it's funny that a guy got hit by a car But I think his reaction was funny Okay those two are kind of inseparable

Like it's He's reacting because he's in Moral pain Look at him God You're laughing like an 80 year old smoker Well reactions are funny in those situations Like when the guy

Kills that hooker in that Henry movie I gotta go I can't Is this done No What's your problem What is your problem That was funny

I haven't laughed that hard since the first time I saw that video I feel like getting some fucking leather bracelets today I feel so good Oh my god you should You're a bad boy What is this I don't know what this is even I'm the water champion

Who made that Did you make that blue man I did not make that Okay That she made me part of a Wow Part of a movement Yeah part of a movement

Thank you Patty And you think you're the water champion This is for Children That's great That's great That is great Who is that

That is in these streets By Brandy Roz Ryan And Jennifer Lewis Really Brandy Is that like I think that's Brandy Yeah

Looks like her That's not Brandy It sure is Look at that face It's Brandy Oh my god that is not Brandy Yes it is There's a woman named Brandy

No it's Brandy Brandy No it's not Have you never seen Brandy The book is mine That's not Brandy You got to give it up No Yeah huh

There Alright No No That's not Oh my god anything else jeans No No

You have nothing else People wrote in and let me know that You know how a while back I was talking about Gordettos And how they should only have the tasty chips The ride chips in there Oh yeah yeah yeah There is a product that you can just buy

The good pieces Oh wow Thanks for letting me know That's a huge update People can get just the chips they like That's what I'm talking about It's important to me guys Okay

Good to know that Anything else here let's see I do think this was so great we should play This again Why is Burt Cris was so fat? It's called Burt Rower Curva I'd love to go Burt Cris

Burt Cris you are a fat cunt You're a fat cunt than Tom Segura mate I love it International International is really good Really good Good job on that stuff Oh I was going to mention

The other day you and I were play hitting each other Yep And you do this thing where Like if I pinch you or hit you Then you get me back twice that makes you feel good You get me back double for the pinch or the hit Yeah But you did this thing the other day

Where you pinched me and you hit my arm And then you're like I'm sorry I'm sorry I wanted to rub it Yeah But then the rubbing made it hurt more Well that's what you said but that doesn't make sense So what happened was I pinched you to get you back

And you're like oh that really hurt And then I went to rub it And you're like that rubbing hurts more But the rubbing makes the pinch hurt more No that rubbing makes it go away No rubbing No it felt better Rubbing always makes the ouch part

The owie place hurt more No Everyone knows that No everyone knows that rubbing makes it feel better No Oh that hurts Let me rub it for you No dumb dumb

Kissing it makes it better Rubbing it hurts more No You're very Malicious with the play fighting If I pinch you then you get me back Sometimes two or three times more I like to get you back with the pinches

And stuff I like to pinch and twist too Like I'll grab real soft parts That's mean And I squeeze that part as I can But you do it double or triple The amount that I gave you And that's not fair

That's how to make sure you get somebody back I mean that's the whole thing As I'm trying to get them back Is this Kevin Gates thing set up Or is it just the YouTube link That's rude Don't play it Don't play it?

Okay Alright That's gross Nobody wants to hear God You're such a dad You want to hear A song jeans about

Voting for Trump? Okay Trump knows his way This looks ridiculous Is this good? Yeah Probably Probably?

Okay Vote for the Donald Trump is the man Let's put our nation Into his hands Mike Pence and Donald Make a great team They'll make our nation

The greatest it's been They've got the wisdom I feel like we've seen this Asshole sing songs before Criminal Clinton ought to go high That's a serious song They know our border

Oh boy Oh, here we go How long has he been this work? Criminals love gold Oh boy They'll take us far Donald's got vision Clear as the day

Please tell me there are not a lot of views Please 2.3 million We're doomed Yeah Yeah, it's pretty great Man I need to lie down

Yeah, after that I agree Depressed What song did you want to go out on? I... We did Burdisfab Yeah, we did that during the show How about My Cut, My Cut, My Cut

Yeah? Your fourth of July song? Yeah You want to hear that? My fucking cut Okay My cut, my cut, my cut It's called Jeans in My Cut

Yeah, Jeans in My Cut I think it's by Max Newman Great The great Max Newman It's always great All right Thank you guys for listening Please check out your mom's house podcast.com

Please go to TomSegura.com Please go to 1000Ranch.com Pull your jeans up through the roof And we'll see you in a week Bye My fucking cut Cut, my cut, my cut My fucking cut

Cut, my cut, my cut Cut, my cut, my cut Cut, my cut, my cut Cut, my cut, my cut Cut, my cut, my cut Cut, my cut Cut, my cut, my cut Cut, my cut, my cut

Cut, my cut Cut, my cut, my cut Cut, my cut, my cut Cut, my cut, my cut Cut, my cut, my cut It's sexy