Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 357-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: August 17, 2016

This week the mommies do a very important dental update as a recent article about the merits of flossing has surfaced. Christina learns what a "trap-p***y" is during an outing at the park with her family. Also, Percocet-master Gina from Boston is warmly welcomed to the mommy-dome.

A couple of big announcements, Jeans. First of all, we're coming up right on the anniversary of one of the greatest, most infamous days in American history. Pearl Harbor? No, but probably second to that. And that would be, as I'm sure you could not have forgotten. Corey, how can I forget? August 20th of 2015, we're coming up on the one-year anniversary of the Cincinnati fart. That's right.

And it was, you know, it was really something, you know, we've discussed it multiple times since it happened. And I feel like I wish I had a camera crew following us that day because I can relive it in my memory, but it's not the same as seeing it again or hearing it or smelling it again. Yeah, it was something that I'll never forget as the one and only witness. It was like watching somebody levitate, you know, and you're like, what? Like that kind of thing. It was just such an incredible moment.

Well, so much went into that day for me. I was, it was a wonderful whirlwind of things. I was pregnant and I had eaten from the buffet on the rehearsal cruise on the rehearsal cruise ship. That's right. So it was a combination of many things that made that for me. I can't take credit for it. God just works through me. I was going to say, there was a little bit of a sort of a part you, doesn't matter if you were to do that again. I don't know if it would happen like that again, but what it, because like I said, it is the Lord working through me, but it was such a celebration in

this home that we commissioned artwork. Rob Messiah, a very, very talented artist, did an original piece commemorating the Cincinnati fart. And now it's available to listeners of this show. So if you, if you want to take part in the celebration, never forget, go to your mom's house podcast.com or go to Tom Segura.com and click on the store. Your mom's house will route you into the store on my site. So just go there, go to the store, see this piece of artwork. It's incredible. We got some higher quality paper so that it's not, it's not like this paper thin poster stuff. It's nice. It's the kind of thing. It's nice. It's very nice. You can frame it. You can put it in your children's bedrooms.

You can give it to your parents for Christmas present, your Hanukkah gifts. It's an excellent stocking stuffer. It's just an excellent all around thing to have above the mantle, your fireplace, you name it. Yeah. It's, it's really, really quite incredible. So definitely thank you, Rob, and thank you to anybody that wants to check that out and get that poster. It's, it's really an impressive piece of work. There's another thing we wanted to do and that is, it is in conjunction with the Cincinnati farts festival festival. It's also our way of saying thank you to all of the fans of this show. And that is we are giving you for free ring tones from your mom's house podcast. Yeah. You've asked for it for years and we've finally done it. Yes.

So what we're doing is every day for the next starting, starting Wednesday for five days. If you go to your mom's house podcast.com, there will be a page you can click on and there, there's going to be ring tones that you can download for free. It's just our way of saying thanks. And we hope that you download them. People have asked us so many times for years for this. Um, so just revisit every day. There will be new ones and we'll keep adding to it. Um, and it's just our way of saying thank you for being such great fans of the show. It's for five days, just as long as the smell of the Cincinnati fart lingered in room 618. That's right. Yeah. Not 808. Not 808 fart break, but 618 for five days for the days it took for

that smell to get out. Yeah. Yeah. It was incredible. Yeah. All right. Well, enjoy the episode, guys. Now, have you had any double pipe classics? That all recently? Dump, dump, dump, dump the pipe classics. Dump, dump, dump, dump the pipe classics. Dump, dump, dump, dump, dump the pipe classics. Dump, dump, dump, dump the pipe classics. Dump, dump, dump, dump, dump the pipe classics. Dump, dump, dump, dump, dump the pipe classics. Dump, dump, dump the pipe classics. Dump, dump, dump, dump, dump the pipe classics. When you fart and verbe at the same time? Dump, dump, dump, dump the pipe classics. Dump, the pipe classics.

Dump, dump, dump the pipe classics. Dump, dump, the pipe classics. Dump, return the pipe classics. Dump, come here. Dump, dump, dump the pipe classics. Dump, dump, dump the pipe classics. Dump, dump, dump the pipe classics. Dump, dump, dump, dump, dump the pipe classics. Yeah. That's Andrew Rella. I love it. I like hearing your voice, your dad voice singin' it.

I don't, me, Dan. Yeah. Dump the pipe classic. You're turning into such a dad. People told me, I got a bunch of tweets that said they're like holy shit, you're dad in studio. Just sounds like you dealing with... I didn't realize how you are a master of it.

I know. Yeah. Well, also your dad behavior. I was, you were in the shower and I was speaking to somebody else and you did a typical dad thing where you're like, what? What? I couldn't hear you. Right?

No. What? Like I wasn't even calling your name. No, I just said, what? Like a normal person who can't hear you. No, you didn't, you did it like a dad. Huh? What?

But I wasn't even going, Tom, I was just talking to somebody else. You're so weird. Like everything's about you, dad. Okay. That's what dads do, they're always confused. Okay. Where am I? Yeah.

When's Christmas? When's Christmas? I don't like matzo ball soup anymore. Quiet. I like crab block. Oh, he hates me so much. Did you see that? I don't hate you.

It's a look of contempt. Shit. Shit block. You do hate me, but for 10 seconds we went over this. I never hate you. We hate each other the way married people do for like, for like a minute and you love me again. I do love you again.

Yeah. It's not right now, but it'll happen. Are you mad at me because I, because I said you talk like a dad in the shower? Yeah. I hurt my feelings. I'm not a dad shower guy. Ah. Um, why?

Where am I? All right. You guys, I'm going on the cock and balls tour. It's coming up and we're hitting a bunch of different shitties. Shitties. It all kicks off. What is it? August.

I can't fucking see this thing. Oh, wait. No, we got to promote the, it'll be too late for that, right? Yeah. August 25th at the perfect vodka amphitheater in West Palm Beach, Best Balls Beach, Florida. That's good. And then we head over to tampon, the mid Florida credit union amphitheater. I have another one for you.

Okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I don't, not for tampon. I'm sorry. Lakewood amphitheater in, uh, Black Lanta. Um, and that's what? That's, that's not how you say it.

Something else. Yeah. The way you say it is a big word. Okay. That's not, what are you talking about? Black Lanta. But how's that a big word? Wait, don't they call it that already?

No, they call it Hot Lanta. Hot Lanta. Yeah. That implies black people. What? Don't the black people call it Hot Lanta? You're, you're, I don't know what you're doing. It's not, it's not accurate.

Um, here's, here's me listening to you. There's a bunch of, uh, there's a bunch of dates. They're all at TomCigarette.com. After the, uh, Cock and Balls tour ends, um, I go then to Charlotte, North Carolina. Um, uh, October 14. And then I also do. Charlotte? Yeah.

Charlotte. What about Harlett? That was submitted. Oh, Harlett's interesting. Yeah. And then Man Fran Dudes Blows, uh, at Cox Comedy Club there, October 20. Cox. Through 22nd.

Uh, Jude Orc Titties. Matt's the best. And Carolines. And then we have added a third show at the Trocadero Theater and fill her up Delphia. The Cockadero? Yeah. Cockadero Theater. Tres shows.

I'm also doing the Ville Louisville in November. So, um, TomCigarette.com, go to the shows page. Well, Louisville is clearly Pooieville. Like, I don't even know why he would say it. Right. The other way. I know. Uh, thank you for Andrew Rella for this, uh, instrumental double pipe classics.

It's called Jean's Where You Got. Okay. September 27th. My one nighter tour kicks off in Meat Rattle, Washington at the, to come on your comedy. Really rude. I was in the middle of plugging a date and then somebody ripped one. Yeah. That was rude.

Yeah. Yeah. September 28th. Dorkland, Oregon. That's great. I like it. Herium Comedy Club. Whoa.

October 4th. Darius, Texas. Jesus. What? I haven't actually heard my own voice in three years now. What does that have to do with Dallas? I'm just doing your bit. Okay.

Oh, shit. My bit. Did you have a new joke about this? Yeah, I do. That's what I'm referencing. Okay. Dallas Tejas at Hyena's Comedy Club, October 5th. Pustin, Texas.

Pustin. Pustain at the Secret Group and then October 23rd. Inside Minneapolis. I don't know who submitted that, but thank you. That's great. And then October 24th, Shits of Splatty. Yeah. By Carl.

Thank you, Carl. Go Bananas Comedy Club. What's up, Carl? Go Bananas. I'm losing my mind over here. Okay. And then, this is super in the future, but December 9th and 10th, Washington, D.C., Washington, Texas.

This is super in the future, but December 9th and 10th, Washington, D.C., Washington, the D.C. improv. Get your tickets at 1000 Ranch.com. T-H-O-U-S-A-N-D Ranch.com. Listen to that steep, bro. I've been doing this thing where I take people's emails and I just answer them and give them life advice, and it's horrible for them, I mean. That's excellent.

It's fun for me. Yeah. A lot of crazy shit out there. Yeah. Super fun. Also, hey now, do you shop on Amazon? It's a big deal if you do. You should be on Amazon.

You shouldn't leave your house. Yes. Use our banner. Go to your mom's house, podcast.com. Click on the banner at the bottom of the homepage. Deer shopping is you normally would. It just helps the show. It gets a little kickback.

A little kickback. A little kickback. Yeah. All right, Jeans, are you ready to start the show? I got a trap pussy. All righty. Let me tell you something, okay? You're talking to a girl who's been on Perkz, Foxy's, and Xanax for 20 years.

That ain't no fucking problem. What is it? What's on the phone? I don't know. Look up the number on WebMD. WebMD? It looks like fucking Benadryl. What?

All right, Chano. You are never going to pass that off to the Perkz. Let me have a look. Who is Ramsey? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Don't bump into fucking Sam. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house.

With Don Segura. And Christina Positsa. Christina Positsa. Welcome to your mom's house. Shhh. Blue Ben, did you lose weight? Did I? Yeah.

I don't think so. All right, good. Good. Yeah. You don't want him to lose weight? I'm just joking. I thought he did, though. I thought he did.

Looks good. Oh, thanks, guys. Yeah. Maybe it's just that shirt. Yeah, it's the shirt. Maybe it's the beard. Like, you know how a good beard trim or the length can make you look thinner? Yes.

If you cut your beard too high, then it accentuates your fat. Yep. You know what? I did trim today, so maybe that's why. Oh, see? It makes your face look all sudden. Yeah, sometimes my beard gets so bushy. And I trim and it looks like I lost 40 pounds.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I haven't even had a Lacroix. What's this from? Just natural. Fresh natural. Yeah, just air and life.

Yeah, I'm also the air champ. So I breathe more air than you. So stupid. Yeah. That is so dumb. I got an air champ. I got a plaque, an official plaque that says I'm the undisputed water champ. Oh, fuck off.

And then I also got two certificates. We should tell people just so we don't have to try to keep track of it that a lot of these shows are recorded ahead of, you know, well ahead of the release. We're trying to keep, we have to plan ahead for our lives. So it's difficult to do it just before the release sometimes, you know? So this episode is being recorded more than a week before it's coming out. And what does that have to do with your water champion? Because I just got those things in balls and whores.

Oh, I see. And I don't, you know, it feels weird to be like, that was two weeks ago. Yeah. I'd rather just be... You don't want to be rude about it. Yeah. Just know. Okay, so are we going to display these in our children's bedroom or where did you want

to... Well, I think there's probably... In our child room. Our children's room. Kitchen. Living room. Studio. Fireplace.

Yeah. Fireplace. Bedroom. Family hearth. Maybe right above our beds where we sleep. You know, it's really upsetting. I'm not touring as much. So I don't get to get all those neat gifts.

No one has them for you. No one has them for you. Everyone does. Everyone does. Everyone's been emailing me. You're the water champion. Where can I give you a flag? Where can I meet you in public?

I go to the comedy store on Saturday. You both throw them at me. They gave me a certificate for you being not the water champion. It's so dumb. Yeah. Oh, that definitely registered death. That's an old school your mom's house move. I feel like we haven't done that in a while.

I feel like we've been holding back because Blue Band's here. I'm just happy. I'm happy to be here. I missed you this week and balls and horn. Yeah, I missed you too. I missed you too. And I'm glad we're all back together again. I know why you missed me.

Every day I'll make you snap some out of the face. That's an old one too. Yeah. Everybody's watching us on the YouTubes. Yep. Did you just got home from work? They're blazing up their reefer. They're marijuana.

Marijuana cigarettes. He drinks and he does marijuana. Yeah. I don't think it's funny that you're making fun of mentally challenged, Tom. Why? Why? It's just offensive. I'm so offended.

He drinks and he does marijuana. The smartest person in that documentary just said that. It never gets old. No. She never gets old. She's a good girlfriend. I wish there was a documentary just about her life. Yeah.

Why do you think retarded people do all day? What do you mean? What kind of question is that? It's a legitimate question. They do all kinds of things. But they don't want to do the same things we do. Yeah, they do. No, they don't.

Of course they do. They don't record a podcast in their studio and play with their baby in the morning. No, but they do other things like they eat. They love sweets. They love. They do. They love sugar and they do. How do you know?

Because they're retarded. I know. They love all the indulgences. They masturbate a lot. Some of them have jobs. Right. Like grocery baggers. I've seen retarded people there.

What other jobs can retarded people have? Just like a little helper stuff. Like, you know, put that over there. Like shelving. Yeah. Yeah. Put something on a shelf. It's interesting.

Yeah. Sweep. Clean. Yeah. Yeah. They masturbate a lot. Yeah. Because it feels good.

Yeah. And you have no part of your brain goes stop doing that. Yeah. You know, you got to drive. Yeah. It's so true. It's so interesting. It feels like an awfully mean start to show up.

I don't think it's mean. I don't think it's mean. I'm genuinely curious what do retarded people do all day. I mean, that is such a silly question to ask. It's a valid question. What do you mean? But what do you mean? What do they do all day?

I mean, what's their day like? Like, I don't know a retarded person, so I don't know what their lives are like. Do they wake up around age? What age are we talking about? Like, someone my age is retarded. Well, they're dead. They don't live that long. True.

Yeah. They live up to around 45, I bet. I'm old for a retarded person. Okay. So then they're in a retarded retirement home right now. But I'm talking about people that are younger, let's say. 20. 25.

And do they live in a home? Or can you live with your parents? I mean, you can live in a home, but I think a lot of them end up staying with their folks. But some of them live independently. Oh, and gee, you're in trouble. I've been gone. All right, we're back. The blue man moved his nest.

And that was a phone call about a neighbor was upset that his nest was in front of their home. And they're like, this is my tree. Can you move your bird? White people are the worst, aren't they? They really, really are. They really hate this one. Why do you play with this one? And win after her.

This is about him molesting a kid, and you're like, this is hilarious. Don't take it there. You can just leave it in the isolation that it is. This is my least favorite. Now, did you think about what 20-year-old retarded people do during the day? 25. I thought we were going with. Yeah, I think typically sleep in a little bit.

Lucky. Yeah. It's nice. Wake up, masturbate. Even the women, too. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, definitely. And you sleep, you don't have, you probably can't live alone, right?

If you're retarded, like you live with your parents or a guardian. Yeah, but some, I'm sure some live, like maybe have a roommate, like. A roommate. Yeah. Like another retarded roommate. Yeah. That is like the retarded odd couple, and one's really clean and one's super messy. Definitely.

That's not happening. People check on them. It's not like that. Like people come by and they're like, all right, you got to pick that up. You got to clean up around here. Yeah. Hey guys. Yeah.

No more parties. I didn't address that we have a new outfit. But yeah, I think that definitely. I don't think that's accurate that they have other retarded roommates. I think that's totally accurate. And I think that it's offensive that you think that. Offensive. I think it's offensive that you don't think that they can have roommates.

I think, I guess it depends on how functioning you are. Yeah, but I mean, what you didn't, you didn't say like somebody who's like incapable of doing anything. I'm thinking of like your typical, you see them walking around. Like if they can have a job, they can have a roommate. Yeah. I agree with that. Yeah.

Because they get a paycheck. And you know, there's assistance in setting that all up. Yeah. You know, and then yeah, I'm sure there's like back to their day. I think you probably have. So you wake up around eight or nine, you masturbate. You have a real sugary breakfast. Like I think you have pretty pebbles.

Yeah. And then if someone's there, maybe you guys do like pancakes or something like that. Donuts. A lot of like the, but not the fresh bot, but like the. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I like those two.

I have the diet of a retarded person. Yeah. And then I don't know, I think they do that. Then they probably watch some porn. No. Yeah. Why do you assume it's masturbation and then porn? Because I think sugary breakfast.

Because I think, I think when you have that mental state, you, you don't, uh, you don't restrict yourself a lot. I think it's harder to show discipline to the things that feel really good. First of all, I think this is, if you were a retarded person, what your day would look like. No, this is pretty accurate. This is not just retarded. This is how I live also. So.

I was saying, it sounds like your road calendar. You're right. But see, like, I know I got to do something. I think that's the difference. I'll be like, I want to have another one. I want to have another pancake. Right. I want to watch porn and masturbate.

Right. But my kid keeps crying. It's not like that, you know? Sure. A deterrent of some sort. Yeah. And I think if you don't have those responsibilities and you're retarded, that you just keep doing it, you know?

But I'm saying this sounds like your road life. Oh, yeah. Retarded, every day retarded life is Tom's road life. Yeah. I did it this weekend. Yeah. Yeah. I'm describing you what I did.

Yeah. So then what happens next, then they probably play video games. They watch shows. They love movies and shows. They watch your specials, probably. Not only they watch my special. You're a huge retarded audience. I do not have a retarded audience.

Thank you. Okay. And then I think, you know, somebody comes over and goes, you shower, you brush your teeth and everything. Oh, like a guardian? Yeah. Yeah. Like, hey guys, let's go to the park.

But then they go for a walk. Yeah. They go for a walk. Like, what do you want to do today? Yeah. They're probably praying. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm serious. Hey, friend. I think so. I don't know. I think so. Well, if you're retarded, write in and let us know what your day is like. Man. Why?

Nothing. Yeah, please do. I'm genuinely curious. Hmm. Let us know. Why? Nothing. I don't discriminate.

I'm very curious about their lives. Oh, I know. I'm very curious. I know any retarded people besides you. Yeah. I mean, I think it's basically like, what are all the things that you think are decadent and like, no, I'm serious. Too indulgent.

And I think that having that mental state just restricts your ability to stop yourself. Yeah, that's true. You need somebody to tell you stop doing that. Yeah, that's true. I worked at a, I volunteered at a school when I was a senior in high school. Yeah. I had a totally disabled kids school. Oh.

So I went during lunch three times a week and we would go and hang out and, you know, just hang out with the kids. And it was like part of our volunteer work, right? Mm-hmm. It was, like, it was a lot of masturbation. Yeah. Yeah, I've heard that. They can't, you don't really, you can't restrain yourself.

Yeah. There's no, there's no overriding. Yeah. Yeah, of course. Everything that feels good. They do a lot. Yeah. It's just, it's that a lot.

Yeah. But they're really sweet. Yeah, of course. Yeah, really sweet. That's fine. I worked with the elderly. A girl proposed to me. Oh.

Yeah. Yeah. And then I was like, I can't. And she was like, I'm really upset. She brought me a flower. Oh. And she said, would you be my boyfriend? And I go, I just, I can't.

And she was just like, do you want to fuck? She did not. No, I made that. But she did. She didn't have a boyfriend. That's so sweet. That was really sweet. It was very sweet.

I worked with the elderly. And I had to change a 100 year old lady for her birthday party. Shauna, my friend Shauna and I did. And I tell you the story. I'm not supposed to do it. I think you did. So Shaunee and I, in high school, we volunteered at an old folks home. And it was this woman's Mabel.

It was Mabel was her name. And it was her 100th birthday. And that was like our first day at this retirement home. And I was a teenager. We were 16 years old. Yeah, you do not ask a teenager. That's what I'm saying. It was like.

That's not okay. It's not okay. It's not okay. I didn't know how to change. Wait, so who said teenager? So Shaunee and I, you check in at the front. Okay, well, go play checkers with the old people or go talk to them. That's what you do.

No kidding. Yeah. Instead, they go, it's Mabel's birthday. Will you change her into her birthday dress? I swear to God. So Shaunee and I are like, okay. Like, you know, in your teenager, you don't know boundaries. You don't know.

You don't know to be like, fuck you. Someone else changed her fucking diaper or whatever. Like, you don't even think. So Shaunee and I go and she's got her dress laid out on her bed. And it's just Shaunee and me and Mabel. She's in her wheelchair and she's super frail. Yeah, of course. You think she's still around or no?

She's probably listening to this right now. Well, they make like 134 halogens. 140. I don't know. It's 16. So yeah, 30 years ago. So anyways, we took her top off. She's in the wheel.

No, we stand her up, which I'm sure you're not. I don't know. I know. Like we were like, how did they just go like, go ahead. I don't know. It was totally so responsible. And you take her clothes off. And she's really frail and brittle and shaky.

And I'm like, okay, Shaunee, you hold her and I'll take her top off. And I took her top off her gown or whatever. And here's the best part is that her floppy old titties. One was hanging under the bra, like meaning her bra was flipped up. And her titties were hanging out of her bra. Like the meat was under. And so now comes the moment of, do we scoop her tittie back in the bra and put the dress on? Or did we just put the dress on over the titties?

What did you do? I think you just put the dress on. Yeah. Yeah. You left her poor titties? Yes. Yeah. Why didn't you just take it and cover it back up?

I don't know. I was 16. Now I'd be like, oh yeah, here you go, lady. But you were pretty young. I was so young and scared of her. And then you changed her diaper too? Dude. Well, we saw her meow because her labia was hanging out of her under.

Shut up. I'm not even, this is not an exaggeration. Her panties were on, but then her labia was hanging out, dripping out of it. And it was like, like to this day, Mabel's labia. We always talk about it because it drips. You turned on it all though a little bit or no? Oh yeah, so hot. And do you know this name?

When you get old, you lose your pubes too. Yeah. So wait, you took her dye dye off? She wasn't wearing a diaper. You took her panties off? No. How do you know that there was no pubes there? Because we saw her labia hanging from the side.

It was hanging out of her panties. And we just saw that it was hairless. Like it was a hairless meow and it was flabby and droopy. Hmm. Yeah. And I just, we let it all hang out and we just put the dress over it and we were like, all right, she's ready. It was horrible.

16, they let us do that. So you guys talk about that like the whole time? Constantly. I haven't talked about it with Shauna in like 10 years, but we talked about it for forever. We'll probably talk about it now after she hears this. Yeah. Oh my God. It's horrible.

Why would you trust a teenager to do anything? Well, that was the 90s, so it was a different time. Man. I know. Yeah, I actually, I think I've told this story before. I don't remember though. I reported a teacher at that school. What?

At the retarded school? Yes. Why? For mocking a retarded kid. Oh my God. I thought it was weird. You have all people. How weird.

And now like how the tables have turned. I know. Interesting. Well, he did it in class. I think, but I think it just shows you context and everything makes a difference, right? Like I would still, I would never to this day go up to a retarded guy and be like, uh, uh, uh. And that's what he did.

Yeah. He did that. He did that to back to the kid? Yeah. Wait, so what happened? What kind of class is this? It's retarded class like at the school. Right.

And all the kids are super fucked up. Okay. Like, like some of them. The tech for medical. Well, some of them have severe behavioral issues and some of them are in, uh, in wheelchairs with breathing tubes and like they just stare at a ceiling. So it's a full range, but no one there is like, you know, fully functioning fine. Yeah.

So there's kids with like severe disabilities and sometimes we show up, you know, you're playing like hanging out. Like I said, just, you know, playing basketball or whatever with some of the kids. Sometimes you're sitting in the classroom and we're sitting in the classroom and yeah, I mean, we're, you know, I'm an asshole. We're asshole kids, but we don't, we're not assholes to two disabled kids, you know. So we're just sitting there and he's this guy's like, uh, Greg and Greg, like, you know, uh, grunts something.

And then he's like, what's that? And he's like, uh, he's like, like that. And I was like, and I was in there with a friend of mine because we would go together and I was like, what the fuck, man? Like you can't do that. So we, we went to the, uh, the principal's office. Wow. And we told him.

And did he get a talking to you? I don't know. I mean, it was a, you know, I was a teacher and we were just like, you know, this guy just did this and I go, I remember telling the guy, I go, look, man, I was trying to figure out how to say it. Yeah. And I go, you know, he did this, uh, you know, like a retarded sound. That's the best part of reporting crime.

And he was, and the principal was like, what? I go, you know, like it's something, it's what you would do to mock somebody like your school is full of. And I go, but I know it's different. Like I would do that. I tried to not be like, I'm better than doing that. I told him, I go, I would do that to him if he had a dumb idea. You know, like, am I going?

I go, but there's a difference between doing that and doing it to somebody who's severely disabled. Yeah. And he won't get the joke too. Probably. Of course. And he was like, that's not acceptable. Yeah.

I go, dude, I go, it made us both really uncomfortable. Yeah. That's too mean. So where was this? What state was this in? It was in Florida. Oh, of course. It actually, it was just a regular school.

You know, that's how most schools are in Florida, just full of, just kidding. I'm kidding. It was a special school. What? It was a special school. Okay. So we would drive there during lunch break. Oh, God.

Those Christian service hours, that's what I had to do. Yeah. The church makes you do, it was for school. I went to Catholic school. He drinks. Oh, for crying out. There she is. Yeah.

See, she could live, she could live by herself, I think. Oh, yeah. He's on that. Yeah. Now, Wanda and Whiskey, he gets crazy. Yeah, she gets it. This lady that we opened with is not... Shayna.

Yeah, Gina, right? Oh, I think it's Shayna. It's not Gina. I wrote down Shayna. I don't know. It's some trashy name. Shayna's a real white trash name. Oh, yeah.

And she's not retarded, but she's right there, you know? Yeah, this is so great. It's close. Let me show you how this opens here. This clip, oh my God. This is some of the... One of my favorite things that's come in in a long time. This one?

Yeah. Shayna! You know what he's trying to buy this? It's not mine, but I'm gonna sit. I'm gonna go shit. I'm finding a fucking piece of sick pony drugs. What are you crazy? What's fucking mean?

It's perks. Those ain't no perks. Oh, the fucking perks, dude. The best is that these guys totally set this up. Four laughs, you know? Like, they're recorded. They know what they're coming up with. They're just fucking with this.

Those are, like, iron pills. I think I take those every morning. Dude, they're... She's in the neighborhood junkie, and they're like, this'll be great. Let's try to sell her this stuff. And so she starts, she's like, those aren't fucking perks. I'm gonna tell you something, okay?

You're too often to grow. We've been on perks, boxies, and Xanax for 20 years. Good for you. Yeah. What is it? What the fuck? I don't know. Look up the number on WebMD.

WebMD. It looks like fucking Benadryl. What? All right, Xana. You are never gonna pass that off. What? Never. Never.

She's got such an incredible Boston accent. Well, I was taken by the smoker's accent. You think there's smoke in there? I think Gina made it clear she's a pill girl. I don't think she smokes. That's my nightmare. Let me tell you something. You're talking to somebody that's been doing perks and Xanax for 20 years.

That ain't no perk. You're talking to a girl that's been on perks, boxies, and Xanax for 20 years. 20? That ain't no fucking perk. What is it? What the fuck? I don't know. Look up the number on WebMD.

The number? It looks like fucking Benadryl. Look up the number on WebMD. Check this out. Unless you can get on WebMD and describe a round red pill with whatever numbers are on it, it comes up Park Odeon of Park Asset. What? And you ain't gonna find it.

That's a nice history lesson right there. She's right. She knows her drugs. Every pill popper knows the number code. Ever since the internet, you can just go, what's that? It tells you exactly what it is. I didn't know that. There's number code on the pill itself.

Not all pills. Any prescription pill is gonna have something on it. Sometimes it'll just be an R dash and maybe a number, but that is gonna tell you something about it. You look that up. She knows. How much for you to do to live with Gina as man and wife? Okay, would you rather? Are you ready?

Impromptu, would you rather? Holy shit. Would you rather live with Gina as man and wife? Like we do. It's our life, but I'm Gina. Time to get my fucking pucks. Yeah, get my pucks. Okay?

Okay? Yeah. Or you're retarded. This is kind of an addendum to the original one. I think it's, I think I have the same answer as before. What? I was moving with Gina. Really?

Over being retarded? Yes. We've gone over this before. I know. I feel like being retarded is not that bad. I think your life with Gina is bad. It's bad. You're so upset.

She's stealing a lot. She's taking your money. I mean, I'm definitely not doing joint bank accounts. I'm like, Gina, I'll be here. I'll love you, but we're gonna have to set some financial barriers. But Gina's the new mother of Ellis now. Why is she the mother now? Because she just replaces me.

It's my life with you, except I'm Gina. And I don't fucking pocket that. Yeah. Look at that fucking number. Can I just take Gina to rehab? Yeah, but it's not gonna work. She's been on this shit for 20 years. I know, but I mean, can I just give her enough to OD?

You can do it. You can keep her. That's what I would do. Like that one. I'd be like, you want to party? She's like, you got a perk? I'd be like, I got about a thousand. Take them.

Take them. She's like, well, I'm super fucked up. I know. Here's a few more. I just pour whiskey down her throat and she's like, oh, you're gonna kill me. And then I would just stab her with a fucking, like I would get, I would melt some of it, you know, like just kind of do it like heroin. Right.

Boil it on a spoon. Right. And stab her in the arm and give her that too. Yeah. And as soon as I, you know, I'm like, oh, his body's cold. Like, oh my God, I'm so sad. My new wife. My new wife.

I want her in a contest. She's dead. Because I didn't want to be retarded. Can you guys come get her? I think that's what would happen. That is what would happen. Holy shit. I think I choose being retarded.

That's unbelievable. But then you have to live with the conscience of, of having murdered Gina your whole life. That's not hard. Doesn't bother you. Yeah. Blank. Yeah. Blank is a fart.

You're conscious. Would not even begin to, I would just be. Wow. Look at you. I mean, I would be out having a celebratory breakfast that morning. Breakfast. Yeah. But I'd be like, hey, I don't normally do this.

You guys got mimosas and they'd be like, well, what's big deal? Like Gina's dead. Hey, you could kill somebody, couldn't you? No, I don't think I could. Yeah. No. Sounds like it. That was pretty detailed.

You're like, and then I'm going to inject Gina. I'm going to melt it down and put it in her arm. And then I'm going to. You call the police. You call it. You call the ambulance. I could kill an unnecessary person. Not like just anyone.

Right. Gina's totally. This woman's a waste of existence. Of course. Everything. Yeah. Yeah. She's the pill champ.

Yeah. Gina is the. We should get that. Waste of human life champ. Yeah. All right. There you go. Here we go.

Unless you can get on with the. This is the best one. This is the last one. That's my nightmare. Thank you. And I'm not trying to be a cop. No, I know you're not. I'm just telling you right now.

I bought these things trying to make some money off them. Those. It says we're all fucking bad. You're a dummy. What do I get played to? Naisal. Oh. Justin.

You fucking queer. Oh, shit. You fucking queer. So old school. Queer, huh? Those guys. Oh, yeah. Those guys.

You fucking queer. Cole just sent her like just for fun, which I love. They knew she was. Of course. Yeah. They knew she was going to be an idiot. Yeah. I'm like, God, I'm trying to make some money.

And they're like. Naisal. De-congested. You fucking queer. I think she's a de-cong... De-congestion. Yeah. I don't think she says the right word.

Oh, really? Yeah. You fucking queer. Queer. That's so awesome, man. You fucking queer. You don't hear queer much anymore. That is a good one.

Yeah. A lot of the homophobic slurs have started to kind of die down. Well, you can't say that for it anymore. So now you got to rekindle the older ones. Right. Well, yeah. Well, also, I think it has a big thing to do with just the progression of. Non-binary.

Well, of gay civil rights. Yeah. We've lived through. Yeah. This huge movement. Yeah. And so you see, you know, you see those words kind of. I'm sure it was different, like in the 60s, right?

I mean, in the 60s with, you know, the used to call black people coloreds. Yeah. And Negroes, like that's what you see in newspapers. Right. It was like normal. Yeah. You know, it's, we're watching stranger things on Netflix and even. Which is so good.

Which is like, amazed. So good. And even the kids are calling each other faggot. Yeah. Faggot. That's accurate. That's how we grew up. I grew up saying that to people.

Yeah. Oh man, I miss faggot. Don't you? That was a good one. It always had nothing to do with. Gayness. Yeah. That's the only part of it that you missed.

Queer. Fucking queer. Yeah. And in the 80s, it was like, or even in the 90s, when I was a kid, it was always cause like, you didn't want to do something like, I think I'm just going to stay home. Shut up. Faggot. Yeah.

That's what it was. I mean, you're an effeminate dick sucker. That's what you're saying though. Cause you want to stay home. You're a fucking faggot for it. I guess. They're like, quit being effeminate. It's actually more slam on being effeminate that you want to stay home, right?

Yeah. So the thing is you're not being masculine. You're being effeminate and faggot. Yeah. But I think it just, you know, you could be like, I think I'm just going to have chicken and they're like, fag. Faggot. Right.

Right. It's too bad. It doesn't go worse than I missed. It didn't have to do with being effeminate at that time. No, I know. I know. Yeah. You missed it.

I do. I think you should try to bring it back solo. I think it's a good look. No, it's fine. I could do without it. I had to comb my shit. Oh, okay. Get your comb.

You're fade. Who gets that beard? Your beard is so kinky. So I know it's just like, God, look at that beard. Now, is this the point where you're going to go to Allen to get that trimmed up or? And it's going to be, it's going to be, it's worse because I'm not going for like a week. Why work sir? Why work sir?

Oh, that's right. You're going next Wednesday. Yeah. Why work sir? I'll be why work sir by the way. I just saw Allen Martinez. How was he? He just did my weave.

Amazing. Yeah. I mean, how great does my weave look? Looks good. Yeah. So that's very full. Thanks. Thanks.

Thanks. Can't believe you didn't want to do it earlier. Do you think you could make it? Well, here's why is that your invitation to marital love was not appealing. First of all, I wanted to cuddle with you. It was a summer cuddle, which I know you don't like. Everything is reserved for the winter months in our house and I know that, but I turned the AC down and I cuddled with you.

And then you always got to take it a step further and you were like, why don't you suck my stuff? Yeah. But here's why I passed because you haven't showered in two days, which wouldn't even be that bad, but you've traveled. So you flew from balls and horse. Yeah. Yesterday, which means you probably didn't shower and you had shows the night before

two shows. So you're two, two shows where the ball sweat. I really did shower. Oh, bullshit. I swear to God. Oh, bullshit. I swear to you. And then you stood in those nuts on the plane.

I swear to you. I showered. And then you took seven dumps since you've been home. I did not take seven dumps. So I asked you to do it after two meager dumps, but you haven't showered in days. Yeah, but you're not going to eat the dates. Yeah. But your dick is dirty.

No, it's not. Of course. I showered before the flight, but you don't think my head is going to be down by your crotch and everything. And I showered stew that nasty stew 24 hours ago. No, it's not that bad. I think the travel dick is not okay. Travel everyone know travel crotch is ungodly.

Well, I showered after that. I got up and I showered right away today after we had the tempting offer. Yeah. Right. They were playing at the bar. Okay. I gave you a nice foot massage. God damn it.

God damn it. Okay. I gave you a nice foot massage. Oh my God. That was the worst thing ever. Tell him about your foot massage. Yeah, what you did. You were laying on the bed and you walked up and took your foot and just slapped it online

and went like that. And I was like, what are you doing? And you're like, there's my new foot massage. It was just a fun thing I did, and I feel like no one's ever done that to you before. You were right. Has anyone ever taken their... No one's ever put out a cigarette on my foot before, which is what you did. Put out a cigarette.

That's what you did. With my foot. Yeah. I took the bottom of my foot and I mashed it against the bottom of your foot and I did this. And I went, no one's ever done that to you. And that's what excited you. You were like, I just did something no one's ever done to you.

No one's ever done that to you. Yeah. You can do that to people listening to your spouse and see how excited they get. Yeah. That's a great idea. And then when they're going, what the fuck? They're like, you want to hear a cool fart and then fart. You do two things that have never been done before, all in one kind of thing.

This is like, you keep a happy merit, merit. Yeah. You want to start your shit, you know, weekends. I don't think we've ever told that story. Really? Oh my gosh. I hate this too. Yeah.

Oh, I like it. Look at his face. Ruben's horrified. God, it's so gross. Get it started. Okay. I'm going to throw up with a fucking fart. I'm going to throw up with a fucking fart.

I'm going to throw up with a fucking fart. Okay. I'm going to throw up with a fucking fart. People are listening to this shit. And then they're cute. You know what? I have all these files named, you know, different. What are their names?

Well, this one's called dude coming loud. What are the other ones called? There's just all kinds of different ones. How do you find the specifics in there to name them different, you know? Well, I mean, because. Because it's all dudes coming. You know what I mean? I hope our son listens to this one.

Yeah. Throw up. There's different names. Dude's coming is the worst. This one's called bukkake audio. Oh, this is scream sex here. I went to get that new studio in the new place. Yeah.

Soundproof. I haven't had any butthole rich for months. That one's called butthole rich. By the way, I am mortified, completely embarrassed that we, that on the family episode, the top dog, Charles Murray episode that the top dog and Charles portion had this feedback, this buzz throughout. I just want to like tell you guys that I deeply apologize for that. Had no idea.

I didn't even know that was in there when we exported the file. So it really bummed me out. It was, I mean, it really bummed me out when I realized that happened. But, you know, something obviously we can do now. It was so great. The content was so great. They were so great. But, you know, that part of it really bummed me out.

One of the things though that I think we should revisit very quickly from that is in that episode, when we were playing the game with top dog and Charles about Maria's. Oh my God. Seriously? Yeah. Seriously. I had, I set them up. I asked Maria questions and I didn't reveal till later that they were made up questions

and made up answers. Right. Which a lot of listeners didn't know and people were tweeting us as they were here. You are a fucking mean son of a bitch. Yeah. So great. One guy was like, I have a daughter. I can't believe it.

He was like, I was so upset. But anyway, so if you didn't hear it, I basically told my sister who's known to have, you know, a lot of colorful past, but also just somebody who crazy stories come out of her. I was like, I'm going to ask you questions that are made up and you just make up the answer. Like I'm going to ask you real questions, but you make up the answer. So she had all these crazy answers and we played the answers first for my parents before we revealed that it was a setup at one point in that setup or in the part with my parents,

my dad didn't like went into just a class A first round draft pick dad joke. All right. It was so incredible and I didn't want to stop this show obviously to talk to him about because he wouldn't, if you're the guy making those up, you don't register that that's a dad joke. He doesn't even know what that means. He'd be like, what? That's a good joke.

But this is the joke is Maria at the point at this point, I was like, Hey, have you ever had sex with more than a guy, one guy in a day and she was like, yeah, four. And then my dad goes, I mean, she's always pushed the envelope, but then realized that this was FedEx. Okay. Yeah. I mean, FedEx. And he said it wrong to, but he did not say it wrong.

Are you kidding me? That was, I know that she liked to push the envelope, but I didn't realize this was FedEx. I mean, if this was like on the dad joke tour, right? It would get a standing ovation. Right. That poster, that's the headlining joke. Yeah. He'd headline that.

He would headline that tour. And at that moment, do you even want to follow that up? Because that was awesome. She's always pushed the envelope, but then realized that this was FedEx. Okay. And then he laughed at it. That's the key, is that you got to laugh at your own joke. Okay.

And then, yeah. Okay. It's like multiple choice. Two questions. Two questions. Are you okay? So there's, there's a few parts to the dad joke. It's got to be bad.

Yeah. Real bad. You've got to repeat the punchline. Yeah. A few times to get, Tag it with okay. Tag it with okay and laugh at it a lot. Really hard.

And if you're on the phone and you push the button with your face meat, it's like 10 more points. I think actually one of the mistakes, if we would have just, if we would have paused and just looked at him more, he would have kept, because the other thing about the dad joke is the dad finds it funnier the more he thinks about it. Right. See, we moved on. He reminisces. Yeah.

So we would have been like, what? He would have been like, the envelope. FedEx. I mean, she's always pushed the envelope, but then realized that this was FedEx. Okay. Yeah. Did Charo go? Oh my God.

She was going, oh my God. Thinking about what Maria said. About Maria. Yeah. She wasn't even registering his joke. I have to say. She doesn't register half of his jokes. Yeah.

I think they kind of like, she's just like, anyways. Thank you for, you know, lucky for her. Yeah. God. They were, they handled it so well. Well, I'm not cried. Right. But I mean, before that, they were like really good.

Yeah. So that game got like more serious when she was, she was sitting here like really emotional. Yeah. And she was like, my daughter. And then I was like kidding. She was like, what? She wasn't happy with it. Yeah.

Oh my God. Yeah. That was not good. There are some, some doozies that you fake your parents out on. One of them is how many dudes. If you guys haven't listened to the episode, you got to check it out. It is. It's so funny.

It is really great. But again, that audio thing bothers me so much. I know. Hopefully in a couple months. Yes. We'll have a whole new setup. A whole new deal. Yeah.

Can't wait. Yeah. I'll be there. Yeah. Felix. Okay. Now do you think your dad had that in his back pocket before he came out to LA? No.

That was in the moment. You think that he didn't, he didn't kind of come up with a few dad jokes. No. He knew he was coming on the show. No. Because that's what excites him. That's why you get to laugh. Right.

It's an exciting thing. He's so proud of himself. But he thought of it in the moment. Yeah. Yeah. That's in the moment. He pleased himself. Yeah.

So good. I wish my dad did that stuff. He doesn't do that at all. No. He's too serious. He tells jokes, but they're actually funny sometimes. Yeah. But he also likes joke book jokes and stuff, right?

Doesn't he like jokes? Yeah. But he doesn't tell them. He likes those old school truly tasteless stuff. Those are joke book jokes. Yeah. You're telling like a black kid joke. He thinks it's a Mexican joke.

Pollock. Blond. Yeah. My dad loves blonde jokes. He loves. Loves. And he loves telling me them. Yeah.

Or doing like how many Californians does it daily? He thinks we're just retards out here. You know what we should do next? We should call him and read him blonde jokes. Oh my God. He would really. And then he'll tell us some blonde jokes. Yeah.

That should be the next thing we do. That's a really good idea. You make sure we do that. Sure. He's one of the bad ones. Yeah. Yeah. Blonde jokes he loves.

The dad like wheelhouse is definitely, they love blonde. Polish. Yeah. Polish is just an excuse. It's basically a blonde joke dressed up as this could be a guy. That's all. They love dumb, dumb people jokes. It's just dumb people jokes.

Yeah. Yeah. That's so interesting. Okay. Okay. Oh my God. You do sound like him now. The older you get.

It's coming in. My dad voice is coming in. Yeah. Yeah. That's like the minute Ellis came out of me, it's transformed. How's your teeth brushing? How's that going? Are you still kidding up?

Good. By the way. I don't want that dad mouth to creep up on you. I don't have the, the setup here for it, but did you know this is one of the things. I cannot believe that this actually came out. I talked about it on stage. You're drinking water. It's very impressive.

I talked about it on stage because I, I couldn't, I couldn't register that this is really real. And I know what you're going to talk about. And I've seen this propaganda and I don't believe it. It was everywhere this week. I know. People's tweeted it and I don't care because I don't think it's true. Yeah. And who's coming out with the study?

Listen, I know for a fact, don't even get me started. It's time for a dental update. Here's what's happening though, to be clear about it. Yeah. Okay. People, it's not, I don't know, it's part of the newest thing that's been in this. Oh God. Why is this happening?

Because you're deaf. I can't, I don't know how this works. So what's happening is this story has been everywhere. It's basically has been stating that flossing is bullshit. Yeah. It's so dumb. But the, well, here's what, there's no medical evidence. This is why the story took off.

There's little proof that flossing actually medically has benefits. That's what they're announcing for the first time. Okay. Who's they? The American Dental Association? No. Federal government has recommended flossing since 79. Surgeon's general later, you know, all these guidelines said that you should do it and

there's all these reasons why. But what happened is the AP looked into at the most rigorous research conducted, conducted over the last decade, focusing on 25 studies that generally compared the use of toothbrush with the combination of toothbrushes and floss. The findings, the evidence for flossing is weak, very unreliable, of very low quality. Wrong. The majority of available studies fails to demonstrate that flossing is generally effective in black removal.

Oh bullshit. Yeah. Not true. I'll tell you why. Weak evidence. That's stupid. Well, how do you know? I know why.

I'll tell you why. Jesus Christ. I'll tell you why. Empirical data, my own research, I did not floss for many, many years and I would go to the dentist and they would say, oh my God, seriously, there's so much plaque. Your gums are all fucked up and red. The minute I said you're fucked up and everything. Shit's all fucked up.

And I go and I started flossing and since then, guess what? Gums look great and it's the gums. You know why you're cleaning out the plaque that's in the gum line and for anything, it's for gum health, maybe not the health of your teeth per se, cavities and such. I think what they're actually saying here is that, well, that's what you want to think. The medical evidence, the research doesn't support that. Just saying it, I think a part of our brains wants to say, yeah, that's how you keep them healthy and that's how you prevent those things, bad things from happening.

How do you know the earth is around, Tom? It's not round. It's flat stupid. But there's evidence. We'll see. Time will tell. Okay. Time will tell.

I just know that I look at my teeth and you can see plaque sometimes, but if you floss, it takes it away. It just does. Look, it feels good to floss. There's no denying it. I like flossing. You feel cleaner? It is cleaner.

I don't know if it's psychological too. Well, it does take the plaque out from in between your teeth. You can see it. You can see food coming out. If anything, just do it first. It smells good. Oh my God, yeah. Don't smell your floss, but it does keep your mouth cleaner.

Yeah. You like animals, right? Oh my God, I love animals. This just made me happy, so I wanted to show it to you. It's never happened before here at beautiful Baker Lake, a camper may get tipsy, but this was a bear. There you are. Is this a balsamore?

We call him the rainier bear, the bear bear. That's what we call him. Brian Hadaway discovered the beast passed out on the resort's lawn, then heard complaints from campers of busted coolers, a picnic, plunder. He was a little drunk. A little drunk? A little drunk. The 140 pound bear pounded down 36 cans of beer, mostly rainier.

Like my dad. And for some unexplained reason, ignored the bush. Yeah, he turned his snout up at the bush. He tried one, opened it up, tried it. He set it down and went back to the rainier. That's hilarious, but the bear drank 36 beers. Easily. It's 140 pounds.

So think about what it does to your system. That's me. Right. Yeah. 36 beers? How did he not kill them? Sly beer. Sly beer.

Sly beer. Sly beer. Sly beer. Sly beer. Sly beer. Sly beer. Sly beer. Sly beer.

The bear vielling from the tree. Sgt. Millins, the bear eventually climbed down, lumbered into the woods, only to return the next day. The solution is to trap and remove him using the swede's rebate along with the beverage. And of course, the bear had a preferred rainier beer so that's what we put in the trap. So weird. Yeah, so weird, but so funny.

The bear was eventually released high in the cascades hopefully far enough away that he won't return to the instance. This serious journalist rolls up his sleeves. Well, how old is this microphone? I was seven eyewitnesses in the 70s. Yeah, well, I mean, that's an old-ass microphone, man. That's an old microphone. That should be from...

I love that the bear was like, I don't like bush beer. Yeah. Yeah, that's so funny. I like rainier. I've never heard of rainier. What is that? It's a regional beer, right? No, no.

Like Northwest beer, right? No, I didn't even know it. It should be. There's a lot of beers. 36. It's like that day in Miami. My dad had 75. That's one of his proudest stories.

Best story of his life is the day in Miami. Where do you think that goes along with your birth as far as stories? You know, it's funny. My dad doesn't know how much I weighed at birth, but he knows how many beers he drank in Miami. He knows you weighed... In 2003. You weighed normal.

I weighed normal. Yeah. Dad, how much should I weigh at birth? I don't know. Normal. I'm his only child that we know of. That's weird to not know the weight. Serious.

Now that you have a kid, it stays in your head. It's burned in my memory. How about your godparents? Oh yeah. So I asked my father, who are my godparents? I don't know. I forget. How do you fucking forget?

How many beers did you have all at one time? Right. 75. What kind? Heineken? 75 Heineken? 75 Heineken's on South Beach in Miami. With a buddy.

At Nicky Beach. That restaurant? Yeah. But he's now passed. This guy Willie. Yeah. I mean, most people would pass after... Yeah.

So this is one day, my dad's friend Willie and him in Miami, South Beach at Nicky Beach, they sat outside and he loved to retell the story regaling me that he drank 75 beers in one day. And I go, how did you do that? He goes, well, it's Heineken. It's like light. It's a light beer. Not really.

75 in one day. And he's like, I was stumbling to the bathroom, like of course you were. Of course you were. This is... It's super proud. But this is probably back in the day. Because you said he used to go, remember when we discovered that his daily routine wasn't normal?

Remember when that registered to you? Wait, what? Getting off of work and crushing the 12 pack isn't like totally standard. Right. My therapist says he might be an alcoholic and it's funny because it's just registering now. Yeah. Yeah.

Because you were like, I go, please come home and have a beer. You're like, well, like a 12 pack. I mean, wait, what? Yeah. That's 12 pack is not the standard wind down for people. But here's the thing, when you grow up with something, you don't even... Of course. It doesn't register as odd until you're an adult and then you don't live your life that

way. So what my thinking is, most people hear that, even hits my ears, I'm like, come on, no one drinks that many beers. Absolutely, yeah. But if you're drinking 12, a 12 or a night all the time, like a year, night after night, you have like a definitely a crazy tolerance for it at that point, where two dozen is certainly feasible. Yeah.

So if you're talking about like a vacation day and you're, yeah, you're geared up for it. He started early. It was like a day of drinking and it started, it was very spontaneous and it's not like they planned to do it that day. Yeah. But he said that he just sat down and there are like, you know, snacking and bullshitting all day.

It took the course of like 12 hours. It wasn't like two hours or something. It's still, it's a... Tremendous. Tremendous amount of beer. Now, this is before we got married, I would say this is when I was touring even in Florida a lot. 706 is, this is the year it happened.

Oh, really? I think I'm at the 25 years ago. No, absolutely. This is when you and I were dating. This is around when we would stay at the condo. Really? So it's when you had that place? Yeah.

Yeah. That's why they were at Nikki Beach because it was right next door to the place that he owned the condo in Miami. Yeah. Yeah. Isn't that amazing? Yeah. I think he's talked about it on this show before.

I want to go back to Miami. I like it there so much. Yeah. I like South Beach. It's so bizarre. It's a bizarro world. Yeah. It's like, yes, it's douchey, but in an amusing fun, like there's douchey elements to it,

but it's so fun. Yeah. But you have a beautiful beach. Oh, I love the beach there. Yeah. You get Puerto Ricans, my favorites. Puerto Ricans. You get some good restaurants, different styles of food.

Like food's unbeatable. It's like a party. You know party energy. Party energy. Dancing. Dancing. There's not just the party. There's the after party.

There's the after party. Do you think Alice would like that? At this age? Yeah. That's what eight months old, eight month old kids love. Yeah. Party party, party party. Are we guys going out or what?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Pretty good age for party. You know, I think my dad can't drink anymore, I think, because of his blood pressure. So he's had to, like, curb, curb that shit. Really? Caught up to him.

Yeah. That must, that's got to be hard to shut down, though. I think he has gout. But I mean, to, to just go like, oh, I'm not going to drink my 12 or anymore. But I think it's a, it's as many years as it took to drink that much. Now it's taken that many years to wean off. Like he's been quitting drinking since about the time he really died. Yeah.

So it's going to slow wind down. Yeah. It's progressively. His insides just have to be just mush. Dog shit. Well, here's, I can't imagine it. I can't imagine either, but he's in perfect health. Right now.

Aside from the gout. Yes. He takes pills for that. He has to watch his diet. He's a cockroach. Yeah. We got that Eastern Bloc DNA. Yeah.

I'm going to live to be a hundred. I'm telling you. I know. He's going to outlive all of us. I see. I hope not. These Hungarians are crazy though, but my dad's a kind of guy who will drink a ton and then play tennis drunk.

You know what I mean? Like he and his Hungarian guy, friends. Yeah. Tibor and Dr. Suss. They drink beer and then they play tennis drunk. Like that's. William him plays soccer. Rage thing.

Yeah. I know. It's retarded. On to better things. We learned a new term, which is when you looked it up. Trap pussy. Oh yeah. Well, there's a really interesting story behind discovering trap pussy though.

Crazy. It was a crazy day. Yeah. This is what happened. We took our little baby boy to a Los Angeles park and we went to a nice, you know, a nicer neighborhood, but a park that anybody can go to and we, you know, he's, he's little. So it's not like you just go, all right, play like we're carrying him and put him in a swing for a little bit.

He can sit up on his own, you know, cute shit like that. And there's, there's kids playing, a couple of kids playing fucking around. And this nanny is like, you know, getting the kid like, Oh, stop doing that. Stop doing that to this kid, saying his name over and over and over, King, right? She's like, Oh, King, stop doing that. Like, all right. It's kind of stands out that his name is unusual, you know, so, but whatever, you don't think much of it.

She's kind of make a mental note. And then we sit down on a bench with our kid and another woman comes up and another nanny and she pulls, she pushes up to this kid and she's holding her kid and she goes it's clear that she's the nanny. She's wearing like a nanny uniform and she's holding this kid and she goes, Oh, how old is your baby? And we go eight months and she goes, Oh, so is he the baby she's holding. And we're like, Oh, cool.

He's adorable. And then you say, what's his name? What does she say? Saint. Yeah. I go, I go Zane. She goes, no, Saint. Yeah.

She's Filipino. She has a Filipino accent. Yeah. But she says, Saint. I go, Saint. That's a weird, weird name. And then we realize it's Saint West. Right.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West's son, which is cute. The baby looked exactly like a hybrid. And we could hear the two nannies talking and heard the conversation and then it turns out that King is Tyga and Black China's son, King Cairo. And, and they're all like discussing their evening plans. And we're like, oh, like these are two of the most famous bait like children in America. For sure. And definitely the most famous baby besides the royal family.

Now, of course, we were there with our child. Right. With our actual parenting. Yeah. And they had their nannies. But I mean, I don't think that like those two could even go to that park. You know, oh, I know, I mean, they could not that famous. No, they're so famous.

It's, it's like, it's so funny. Could you? Yeah. But so here's the thing. This is how the, this is what made me laugh is that we're put together right away that Saint, who Saint is, right? Yeah. I mean, it's the name.

You look at the baby and you're like, plus we overheard them talking and they're talking about, you know, stuff that gave away who the family has worked for. We were like, that's weird. Yeah. So we were walking. And we're like, is that fucking Kardashians? Yeah. Yeah.

It's so LA. It was such like an LA thing to happen. Such a douche baggy. Well, I mean, it wasn't douche baggy. No, it feels, because all I thought of like, I was like, oh my God, if we take Ellis here, is he going to grow up and he's going to make friends with like Tiger's kids. Well, and then he's going to be like, mom, I'm going over to Tiger's house and he's going to come back and be like, mom, you got a trap pussy.

Well, I'm like, what? Why? That's all I'm saying. I don't care. You're leaping ahead on, right? Well, I'm a mom. I care about, but I don't, you know, you have a story I'm saying. Oh, okay.

Because we had no idea who King was. Right. So I just put together, I go King with the way that she was talking. Yeah. I was like King's parents or parent is famous, but we didn't know who it was. Yeah. In five seconds of a Google search, yeah, I was able to put it together because I just put like famous kids named King or something like, you know, I just, yeah,

some, some search right away popped up his picture. I was like, that's a frigging kid. I just saw. Yeah. And, and this is kind of incestuous and I think bizarre. So King's parents are Tiger, a rapper. TYGA. Right.

And then, and here's one of the things, one time the nanny goes, remember when your dad bought that tiger and then the, then the, the, they made them, they took it away and then like, I looked that up and they're like, Oh, that is, that is Tyga. It's weird that the nanny. Tyga bought a tiger. So, yeah. So that whole thing, but this is what I think is kind of, I mean, bizarre in a way. Tyga and black China had King.

Tyga's girlfriend is now Kylie Jenner, who is a half-card app. Like, you know, Chris Jenner, Kardashian, right? I forgot. So she, right. So she, the Kardashian girls are her half-sisters, right? The first husband is the attorney. Yes. Yeah.

So they're, they're half-sisters Kylie Jenner now dating him and then the girl son of Tyga or Tyga, Tyga is dating Kylie Jenner. Right. His ex who he had King with is black China is dating Rob Kardashian. So weird. Engaged to him. That's so two of them are still in the same circle, but that makes sense. Why the nannies would be, of course, would know each other and why we saw them at the

same. Yeah. And they're like, oh, it's for dinner. And the other thing and they're like, she's getting her hairs done, nails done. Yeah. We're like, why is it? Yeah. But that's, but do you see my point of like, I don't want to go to that park anymore.

What if my kid grows up and then he's like, I'm going over to Tyga's house. Oh, well, this is the other thing that to lead into that. Yeah. Then we look up, you're like, who is Tyga? And I was like, well, let me pull up some of the stuff he's done. And then I show it to you and it just says trap pussy. And you're like, what is a trap pussy? What is that even mean?

And then I read you the details and you go, I have the ultimate trap pussy. I do. Except you forgot that you're married. But yeah. But if I were to divorce you, I would be considered a trap pussy. Right. So explain the trap pussy. The trap pussy is like, um, like you, uh, you're supposed to be like over 30.

So you're like, not like as, uh, as much on the market as like a young girl. Oh, so I'm on the old trap. Right. But you have a, you have a kid, but you might maybe don't, uh, I don't know if you divulge it or not, but the main thing is that like you hook up with somebody and you're like, yeah, no, I'm on the pill. Don't worry about a condom or anything. And it's usually supposed to be with like an upstanding guy who does well,

like makes money, right? So then he knocks you up and then you collect those payments. Oh, it's a great system. Yeah. And this is what Tyga was singing about. Yeah. It's his song, his beautiful song that he changed it out. Yes.

You've got that trap pussy. Do you think that's how it is sing? King, your mother had a trap pussy. Mommy, you have a trap pussy. What's that? I know this. Yeah. Tyga taught me that.

Yeah. I went to like her to ask you, but I'm saying, I don't think that just because someone's parents are super famous or whatever, that the kids necessarily going to be a desire. Like he can become friends with one of those kids and it would be fine. Yeah. You know, yes, you're right. There are some celebrity families.

We both know celebrity families who grow, who you can, but you don't know. I mean, I guess any family can be whack. It doesn't matter if you're famous or not. Yeah. I know super famous people whose kids are really normal and whatever. And then, you know, the opposite. It's just, you know, difference, same strokes for same people folks for different same strokes, same folks.

I just, I just, yeah. Something tells me that the trap pussy guys, not the family. You've got that trap pussy. How about not trap pussy? We became songwriters in our own right last week by singing and prompt two songs to our son. Yeah. And your first one was, I love you more than daddy.

No, it goes, it goes, mommy, mommy, mommy, he loves you more than daddy. Daddy, daddy, daddy doesn't know your middle name. He likes that one. Cause I want Ellis to know that I love you more. I want him to love me more. It's an awful thing to say. It's insulting on more than one level. Why?

Because my, well, first of all, his middle name is my first name. So that's a little bizarre that daddy doesn't know his own name. Yeah. Mommy, mommy, mommy is the best. And then I sang daddy's going to kill mommy in front of you. Daddy, daddy, daddy's going to slice her tits off. Mommy, mommy, mommy will cry, but new mommy will be more fun. That was the song I wrote.

New mommy, huh? Yep. You mean Gina, Shayna? Gina the pill popper. Um, then you had, uh, yeah, I'd throw daddy to the crocs. I don't remember that one. That one was, you said, if, uh, if we were on a boat and crocodiles were swimming around, throw your daddy in the crocodile waters to save your life.

Well, yeah. If it's between you and Ellis, I kill you immediately to save my son. Wouldn't you do the same though? Yeah, of course. That's what I'd also do it if there was no good shows on. You know, when stranger things runs out. Yeah, you only got a few hours left to live. And then I had a really good song.

Okay. Let's bang chicks together. The ultimate father, son thing to do. You're up in her post and dad's all in her mouth. Oh my God. Let's try to finish at the same time. Father, son. Banging chicks, nothing like it.

It's a cool thing, right? And we're worried about him hanging out at Tiger's house. That's what I'm saying. Tiger should be worried about us. Oh my God. Yeah. Who am I throwing stones at? I bet you that's what Tardash, you're like, you can knock.

Yeah, I know. They're hearing this now and they're like, God, they keep them out of the cigars. Yeah. Just get our nails, hun. Yeah. Those nannies were bragging. They'd better talk to those nannies.

Yeah. They'd be bragging. They'd be talking. They didn't reveal names like they'd ever said. No, they're talking too much. But they're also, you know, that's their world, right? Yeah, I guess. It's your boss.

You talk shit about your boss. It's just how it goes. Yeah. Mommy, mommy, mommy. And I was also thinking, like with the lady that was carrying Saint, like, what is she going to, like when you go, what's his name? She can't not say his name. No.

It's the total giveaway, you know. Yeah. Mommy, mommy, mommy loves you more. Pull daddy's beard and hurt him real bad. I've been teaching him how to pull your beard too. We've been working on. I go like this. I go, I go, Ellis, Ellis, go pull like that.

Don't do that. He laughs so hard. You know, he's getting really good at it. Stop doing that. Stop it. Pull pull. Yeah. But you tell him to pull mommy's hair all the time.

It's different. I can't father. I can't wait until he starts talking. I'll be like, go tell dad, go tell dad that you love me more. No, yeah, you're going to do that. I love mommy more. No, I won't do that. That is terrible.

Yeah. But I'm going to keep teaching him the beard pull. Don't tell mommy to wash your trap pussy. God, he's going to get kicked out of school. You wash your trap pussy. Dad says you have a trap pussy. Speaking of pussies and cocks and dicks. This is great.

Our, our good friend, friend of the show. Dennis Rodman, they made this over at VICE Land. So great. Talks about always have good shit. Yeah, breaking his dick. Watch this. Wow. This is just fucked up.

Man, he's really fucked up. So fucked up. Yeah, he's really Jesus. Watch this bullshit. But watch this. It really is some it's fucking ridiculous. Hey, this is Dennis Rodman. Let me show you how to break your dick three ways.

I was in a boat on time in Dallas, Texas. They go out to all day long, you know, in the sun, drink and drink and party, party, party, go to the bar after at night. Did you want to get this, this, this bothers me so much that they bleeped motherfucker. Yeah, by the way, you know, the story is about breaking your dick. Yeah, he says, Dick. Yeah, why?

He says pussy. So dumb. I always try to find the source material so we don't hear bleeps. Yeah. But they actually release this with bleeps. I wonder where they released this. Is this just an internet thing? Yeah, it's a network that they had to be cognizant of.

Man, it's so bizarre to me. But anyway, my girlfriend and I do whatever. We in the back, we in the back of the boat, the big king size bed. You know, she said, we have sex. She loves sex. So I think I'm going to try something different. She said, go over there. Walk over there.

I said, OK, I walk over there. She said, what you run and jump in my pussy? I said, all right, great. So I go like this and literally do I'm like, oh, blood everywhere. Blood everywhere. Oh, my God. First of all, what kind of a savage is this woman

that you're going to ask Dennis Rodney to dive into your pussy? I mean, I imagine that his cock is on like a fucking hammer. You know, like it's just got to be he's got to have 10 inches on him. Probably the size of a fucking, I don't know. I imagine the girth is like two cocaine tied together. Yeah. Is it because he's so tall? What are you?

So why are you thinking that just proportionate to how he dresses by? I mean, he's got a really colorful sexual history. No, right. I mean, and he's just like a, you know, a monster black dude. So I just, you know, those NBA guys are known for, you know, how much money they make, what great athletes they are and what big cocks they have. Yeah, that's the trap.

That trap, because I thought in the past, you and I have gone back and forth debating this that you sometimes you can't tell. You can't tell. Yeah. I bet Dennis Robin, he's I think so. I think so. Because he's banging a lot of hot chicks in the 90s. So Carmen Electron. Yeah.

So that's the best shit that you just say. He's talking all over you. She's a white girl. He's just so double blood all over. Oh, she's screaming and screaming. Oh, my God, he's dead. He's dead. I killed him. Oh, my God.

I said, no, honey, I just broke this broke my day. I mean, first of all, why is he so casual and cool about it? Because he's high as fuck. Think about how high you have to be to consent to that idea. Where's the blood coming out of that? Because I mean, the idea of the of the dick breaking has occurred to every man ever. But even if like that, like, is he suggesting there's an actual break?

Yeah, like a wound, like an actual opening. Well, there's cartilage isn't there in the penis. It's like a soft cartilage. It's not a bone, but there is something muscle that that fills up the blood. Yeah, I don't know. But I imagine it bent because if you're going full speed at somebody, it's such a high idea to it's such a dumb idea. I've never heard of this actually happening.

You know, I mean, I've heard of I did hear one on one of those like sex shows, you know, or like something like that happened and there was a contusion and, you know, like internally, you could see where the, you know, vessels ruptured and they had to drain things, but actual blood pouring out. I didn't know. Tommy Lee did it, too. I think with Pammi Anderson there, like years ago, they talked about him breaking his dick.

I was playing for Detroit. He's playing the Rockets and it's going to be the Tracy. She flew down to see me. So we had dinner. She said, yeah, she bought this book. She said, you know, I said, what are you reading the book? She said, no, I got to learn how to suck dick. And it says how to suck dick in two different ways.

I saw that breast. Oh, no. So, you know, she turns around and push back on me. I mean, hard. And I put the wall like that, push back, crack another one. Blood everywhere. Blood. Five blood everywhere.

Couldn't do anything. I mean, your dick still get hard, you know, but it's just kind of, it don't get straight. It just gets kind of like that. Like I'm like a big character, you know. It doesn't get straight. So there's something that he is breaking, you know, it must be because of this.

Artilogy in there. And then that breaks. I don't know, man. This sounds like nonsense. Then the third time it was in New York. Dennis Rodman. Yeah, I know, exactly. He's not the doctor.

Dr. Rodman. Dr. Rodman is perhaps not being completely honest, you know. Watch this bullshit. Ah, I don't even know it's deliberate. He's just so whacked out. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I think the drugs and the alcohol are contributing. I mean, he goes pretty hardcore with that, you know.

Same goes to Samantha. Same thing. We go to the hotel room, have the sex. And they say, you know, they go to the hospital. Damn, dude. I was like, well, you know, he has a problem with his penis. The one comes up and says, oh, OK, great. We'll be right back.

She makes another doctor and I know what that is. Brings another doctor. I swear to God, she's going to bring people in. Why? So she brought eight people in to see it. And so I said, dude, I know what it is. So just give me a pillow for it. No, we're just going to make sure that you're OK.

I said, I know what it is. Give me a pillow for it. It'll be done in three weeks, you know. And doctors turns. You're the contused penis. Contused. I said, come on. He said, where you broke your dick?

Because your dick don't bend that way. You don't even bend that way. You don't bend at all. Like, what the fuck are you talking about, right? Oh, fuck. Later, my girlfriend gets a call at the hotel. The nurse that was in the hospital. Oh, yeah, you know what?

We're going to sell this bitch for $25,000. Can you help us out? Talk about that one. They took pictures of my whatever. And she had them. She's going to see them, give it to the National Inquiry and everything like that. So she sold for $25,000.

But she wanted $25,000 for me. And my girl said, sell them. Well, then do it. That's kind of shit right there. Wow. That's the easy shit. Wow. I'm good to go, though.

I'm good to go, man. It's shit. So I'm going to take a pill. That's three times I did that broke my dick. Three times? Yes. What, what, what, what? What's this?

Oh, well, poor guy, though. I mean, that sucks to have your nurse taking pictures of your anus. Oh, that kind of stuff is terrible, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's bad enough. Selling pictures.

Bad enough to break your dick. $25,000. What, what, what, what, what? Do you think he has money anymore, Rodman? I don't think he has old school money, like what he, you know, like active playing days, obviously, especially because of the problems with the booze and that, but I think he has, I mean, he has enough, enough that if you pare down your lifestyle,

it'll work out. If you were a sensible spender, I hope so. He's surprised enough to like, hey, stay in his house. Yeah. Here's your monthly budget, which is. Poor guy. He's a really sweet guy, though. If you watch that documentary.

Yeah, he's a nice guy. Yeah, he has a nice heart on him, despite the poor, the drug problems she's poor buddy. Can we please play the video, Mr. John? Oh yeah, you've been, you've been hitting me up about that. Well, it has been like two years since we've checked in with him. Yeah.

Okay. Here we go. So John Sockers, if you don't remember, this is the, the vegan vagina. Oh my God. Guy is the best mommy, mommy, mommy is the worst daddy, daddy, daddy doesn't care if you die. Babe, what the fuck, man?

He's so gross. This is a vegan vagina guy. Do you want to come over and sickle me? Baby, I'm feeling sickle-ish. Do you want to come over and sickle me? Baby, you can sickle me and live where? Why don't you describe what we're seeing first? I don't want to.

Uh, you, you, you made it happen. So I think you should. Well, it's John Sockers again. Yeah. Vegan vagina guy. Vegan vagina. And he's buck naked, but he's got an acoustic guitar over his junk. And he's just disgustingly gyrating and being gross and singing.

But to, but give history, a little history on him. So people know, you know, it's a vegan vagina guy. But I mean, some people might not know what that means. I don't want to talk about that. I don't like vegan vagina stuff, but it sets up who he is, babe. Well, he, um, he did it like a 20 minute video where he shows you. He makes a lot of videos. Yeah.

He's a San Francisco, hippie, hippie, hardcore vegan, right? And he's showing you how he's going to eat your vegan vagina. And he just licks the camera for 20 minutes. And it's the most disgusting thing ever. Yeah. Yeah. He just really puts it out there. Like he's one of those dudes that puts it out there.

Well, his, um, the way that he gets his message across is that, you know, he believes that vegan is the only way to live. And what he ends up doing is he makes songs that, you know, like sex is better with vegan. Oh, right. I forgot all that stuff. Uh, and then he said that, you know, uh, this video about how he, he likes to eat vegan vagina and that he's going to, he licks, licks the air,

but then he also tells people watching that if you're gay, but you're vegan, you can, you're allowed to pretend he's licking your balls. So it's just, uh, he's a great guy. I don't know what your problem is. He is a nice guy. Like I, I believe he's kind hearted, but this shit is so unattractive to me. This? Yeah.

I'm just, I'm not really into just brand, you know, I don't, I hate it when they put it out there. It just makes me so ill, you know, like that guy's like, I want to spank you. You want to spank me, me and me in the park. I'm like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, this is, like you've said, this is one way of advertising what you

like, and then maybe some strange woman gets into it. Yeah. Lake my ass. Lake my ass. Yeah. Lake your ass. Like that kid that's like, I'm looking for a girl. I'm looking for a girlfriend to have sex with.

Showing this much is, you know, I'm looking for a girl. Looking for a girl. He's doing it wrong too. Oh, God. As long as you are a vegan, you can tickle me anywhere you like. As long as you are a vegan, if you're somebody who eats bodies, then you're not allowed to tickle my body. If you're somebody who eats bodies, then you're not

allowed to tickle my body. So disturbing. So bad. That's no job. That's your job, sweetie. But I will say that John's soccer's. Yeah. For some reason, this guy creeps me out like no other.

Well, maybe it's because you eat bodies. Because I'm not vegan. He's not into that. Yeah. I think it's, I just, I think it's the sensitive vegan guy thing. Just doesn't work for you. He makes my asshole twitch. Yeah.

He's too sensitive for me. Oh. Yep. His body's not even that rad. It's lean. He's a lean guy. It's not, it's not my style. No.

He's too skinny. Obviously, you're married to me. Yeah. I like a little meat on the bones. Yeah, this guy makes you puke. This looks sick. You're like, look at his gross body. He eats a stick.

Eat some. Have extra tofu on your fucking tomorrow. Right? Have extra help and a curry. Vegan, vegan, vegan. I'm licking your vagina. Where is that one? Can you find it real quick?

Vegan vagina. We keep referencing it, but some people have never heard the vegan kind of. Yeah. Hard fucking core. Let me find it. Fucking core. The vegan vagina. The vegan.

And his hair is longer. Do you think it's his real hair? Or are you saying this is a wig? I don't know. He's always had long hair, but he also wears a bandana. That's usually a dead, purple way. Oh, I hate it. Can I tell you what it is?

Maybe because I lived in San Francisco during the hippie time and then the 90s. And I just, I hated the dudes that would come at you with like the thumb ring and all the fucking, you know, bracelets and the hemp shit and they smelled of patchouli. And those guys are sweet, but they always smelled like they had dreads and, you know, they were playing hacky sack in the quad and playing acoustic guitar and singing at you. Like, stop it. Yeah, it's just, it's like pussy repellent, I think, personally. And then see that for some people, that's what they love.

That's what gets them going. Yeah, this guy is just not my life. There's something out there for everyone. I know. I just, I don't like hippie dudes, I guess. Yeah, this is so unsanitary. He just seems like dirty to me. It's definitely appalling.

There it is. Well, that's the compilation. Oh, is that it? He's so weird. Oh, it's called cringe. Somebody put it up as a cringe compilation. That's pretty funny. He's going to give you, he goes, ten long licks.

Ready? Here we go. And he like would count the licks and he would lick the air. Yeah, well, now we got to play this. So bizarre. Where is it? Just why are you putting it out there, man? I know. It's got to work for him because he's been doing it for so long.

Yeah. He's been getting some traction, obviously. Why is it not? There's so many people that are reposting it. I can't tell what, let's see if this is it. I wonder if the New Zealand guy has got it. That is it. Yeah, but somebody else is on it.

Warning, this video is for vegan viewers only. You only watch this. Warning, this video is not for children. You must be at least 18 years old to watch this video. And you must also be a vegan. Carnists are not allowed to watch this video. Press stop right now. If you want to rape, torture, and murder my friends,

then you do not get to watch this video. It is a special treat just for vegans. Thank you. You're welcome. OK, I'm pressing stop. If you're under 18 or a carnist. A carnist. Hello, vegan ladies.

John Sikers here. Hit the mouth. If you've seen some of my videos and you've heard me talk about how much I love vegan vaginas, then chances are you have probably fantasized about me licking your vagina. Don't lick my vagina, please. By all means, if you are a dedicated animal rights

activist and vegan, I would love to lick your vegan vagina. But the world is so very big, and I am so very busy, that the fact is I just don't have time to fly all around the world and lick all of your beautiful vegan vaginas. Gotcha. So I thought I'd make a video. Oh, thank you.

Hit this video. It'll be like POV, points of view. Oh, we got it. So you can fantasize that I am licking your vagina. This is on YouTube? God, what you could do is put your laptop between your legs, and you can fantasize that instead of me licking the air, I am licking your vagina.

No, thanks. Do your fingers a little moist? I'm going to throw up again. Touch yourself. Coming back to hand. I don't know if I can do that. You asked for it. I don't know if I can do it, though.

I got this far already. I'm not gay, I'm heterosexual. So I would like to fantasize about licking your vagina. But if you are a gay man, and you want to pretend that I'm licking your balls, or your penis, or your anus, or something, go ahead. Go ahead. It's basically going to be a video of me licking

and wherever you are. Just get into it. Whatever part of your body you would like clicked. Thank you. You can fantasize that I am licking that part of your vagina. Oh my god, this is all good for me. Now that I see it again, can you press pause? Get a little sip of my green smoothie before we begin.

He's got a green smoothie, too. It's to show you how fucking vegan he is before he licks your imaginary air pussy. You mean vegan vagina. Yeah, I mean, look, it's two minutes and 30 seconds in of him setting up, telling you I'm going to lick your imaginary vagina. When a comic does a set up, where you're like, get to it.

Get to it. Yes. It's just so ridiculous. Now he's going to drink his green smoothie. Yeah, vegan vagina. We're not raping animals. Why does he think that people who eat meat rape animals? It's so silly.

He's what we would call an extremist. I don't rape them. No, you eat them. I do. Yeah. Why do you eat them? They're tasty. Yeah.

And I have low iron. And that tofu, I do. I have to, but that tofu doesn't cut it. Special K doesn't cut it. I need a steak every now and then. There you go. Good girl. OK.

OK, can we show the licks and then get on with it? I don't want to fucking do it anymore. Do you have your hands ready to go down there? Yeah. Hold on. I got to prepare like he wants me to. I just love my green smoothies. We get it.

We get it. You're vegan. It's so hard to watch. It's still very difficult for me. That's what's up, dude. Oh, god. This guy's such a creeper. Oh, my god.

Thank you, sir. Oh, it's so nice. I'm going to throw up again. Delicious. Be in. No. Laura, say una buena chica. I'm going to throw up.

Take your pants off. Oh, shut up. Yeah. God, I'm going to throw up again. Yeah. Pull your pants down. Ew. OK.

I can't get nice and comfortable. Why are you tapping out? I'm getting hard right now. Pull your panties down for me, OK? OK. Let me know when you're done. I can see that beautiful vegan vagina of yours. I can't.

I got big old balls. Don't do this in story. You can tease me a little bit. I'm teasing you. Oh. I had bacon. I had bacon earlier. Wow.

Does it smell good? You are so beautiful. Thank you. You have such a cute, adorable little vegan vagina. Yes, sir. I bet you're vegan balls. OK, I'm going to tease you a little bit first. Oh, man, that's a lot.

I'm going to kiss the inside of your beautiful thighs. Oh, thank you, sir. OK. Can we follow him? There we go. Oh, the licks. Oh, look, he's spreading it. He's spreading it.

My fans have spread it. Are you ready for me? Yeah. Here we go. Yes, they come. Yeah. It's good. Oh, he's still licking.

I know. We've got 10 more minutes left on the video. All right. He does. He licks the 20-minute video. Oh, you're trying to get you off. Oh, my God. What a thoughtful lover.

This is a POV point of view. He has to explain it to people. Yeah. People really responded to that video. He really got some traction on it. So happy for him. He has a vegan vagina juice, vegan penis juice video. Oh.

Oh, it's a song. It's another song. Yes. See? Oh, yeah. He does all these vegan songs. Oh, my God. I wrote this song for all my vegan superhero friends.

If you can listen to this while performing oral sex. Jesus. Come right to taste them all. All right. I'm going to vomit. Good man. Yeah. This is a crank.

So he does a bunch of these. I think he'd have a girlfriend by now and he'd have to retire the whole thing. Maybe he does have a girlfriend. Maybe he does. Yeah. I got to pee real bad. Well, why don't we wrap it up? Okay.

It's been a fun show. Thank you guys for listening. We have a punk rock closing song. We don't usually have punk rock. This is a punk rock song. This one? No. Sure?

Okay. Do you know who made this song? In the SoundCloud link. Oh, okay. SoundCloud. Okay. Oh, it's by Dan Coburn. Thanks, Dan.

Thank you, Dan. Thank you guys for listening to our show. YourMomsHousePodcast.com. Check out TomSigura.com for my live dates and 1000Ranch.com for Kristina's. And we'll be back next week. Thanks for listening. Thanks, Mommy. Get that trap-pussy.

Get that trap-pussy. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right.

All right.