Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 359-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: August 31, 2016

On this week's episode, the mommies educate themselves on vaginal knitting, get some questions answered on special people's daily schedules, pick a name for their son just incase they get pregnant again, and much, much more!

Alright, welcome to another episode of your mom's house really quickly. I have to add or mention that I have Couple added dates I'm going to I think I mentioned it later, but I'll mention it again. Des Moines, Iowa, and I'm going to Raleigh Raleigh Rall in your puss Raleigh, North Carolina in November Also doing one night one show in Ontario, California at the improv Raleigh's at Charlie Goodnights. Those are at TomSegura.com

Raleigh.com You like it I like that it's funky it's really a jam Yeah, it's by Butter and Salmon The song is called Wacko. I like it. He submitted this. Yeah, good shit Nice Thank you, Butter and Salmon. I love Butter and Salmon. Yeah, you just ate that. Yeah, it's weird Um All right, so check it out. I am I'm out on the road jeans doing things

I'm flying all over the country. I Like to spread laughter That's always been my motivation. I love making people laugh. I didn't realize I have this whole sexy dad look going on Oh my goodness. What's your tank top? You still have it on? It's underneath. I Have an audition coming up a mom mom dish and thank you. Yes Check it out. I'm going to be in a bunch of places home down to Jersey Mansfield. No, that one got canceled, right? Long Beach, New York, Camden Let's see White River Amphitheater Auburn, Washington

I'm gonna be in Woodland Huntsman. What is that? Woodlands, Texas Dallas, Texas Austin, Texas The shoreline again and the Irvine Meadows Amphitheater He's your Irvine Meadows. Yeah. Oh that I did acid for the first time there. Oh really? 1992 Lollapalooza this that's exciting. Yep. This is all part of the oddball comedy festival I'm doing All over the country go to oddballfest.com or tomsa girl.com for tickets Everywhere is a bunch of comics are doing it Different people in different cities. So you have to look for

Specific people and make sure they're in that city, but I'm doing all of them. I know our friend Sarah T is doing some Tony Hinch with Bart Kreisler, Joey Diaz, Sebastian Brian Regan's doing a couple Dane Cook's doing a few of them Ali Wong is doing a couple of them What's his name John Oliver is doing a couple of them. He does stand up. Yeah, I didn't know that. Yeah. Yeah You ever saw his comedy second film? He didn't say that to me. Oh really? I'll mention it to him. Yeah So I'm doing that through the first week in in October. Then I go to

Charlotte North Kaka Laka I'm doing the comedy zone there then Cox comedy club in Manfred disco, California Judo art titties carolines and doing that and the laughing derby and of course we added a third Show at the track in Philadelphia mean the cock the cock in Philadelphia November 19th, and I'm also doing West Palm in December the improv there. So a bunch of dates your mom's house. You're gonna be gone all the rest of the year You're gonna come back a baby jeans. It's gonna be like five years old

You know what the worst part is people what people don't understand when they go like hey Do you want to do something like oh I go I can't and they're like well when can you I'm like next year? Yeah, cuz I go I do that can't my calendar is too crazy. Yeah, I don't have any talent is all fucked up Yeah What you got jeans? September 27th. I'm in a meet rattle Washington at the come on your comedy club and then September 28th in Shartland, Oregon at the helium comedy club October 4th phallus Tejas hyenas and

October 5th, Houston, Texas at this secret group Secret October 23rd Indianapolis, what is that one come on me map come on come on my Asselin Indian Apple tips Indian app come in my asshole in tips Wow, you got it Morty's comedy club October 24th Cincinnati, Ohio home of the notorious Cincinnati for at-go bananas and then December 9th through 10th Washington, DC at the DC improv by your tickets at thousand ranch dot-com

All right, there you go Also, hey, do you shop on Amazon? I hope you do because if you're smart you do because we subscribe and save on toilet paper paper towels dog food toothbrushes I have that stuff sent to the house every week automatically, so I don't have to shop for that crap But use our banner on your mom's house podcast Dot-com click on it dear shopping as you normally would it kicks back a little change to the show Thank you Thank you

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you All right, hold on a second. I know I forgot to put in something at the front gate. All right You got the whole gate thing resolved. Yeah, all resolved. Yeah, all right good guy You know lady stuff coming. Yeah from the pharmacy. Oh, how appropriate you ready to start the show. Yeah, here we go God damn it Okay Dad gets so mad quickly Can't wait till your son starts watching you get angry like this, so yeah, all right

We're gonna laugh at you so much when he's older Look how angry dad's getting for no reason. Isn't that funny? My name is Casey Jenkins I'm a performer craftivist from Melbourne and I'm up in Darwin doing a performance piece called casting off my womb I'm spending 28 days meeting from wool that I've inserted in my vagina You're not ready She's got answers believe me I Can't start with scissors

Are you a cornrow hairbrush? Use that marker and well, I'll use a sharpie to stir my coffee who cares everything goes in my mouth anyway This is why my immune system is so strong true because I start my coffee with a sharpie. I guess that's more your lane I'm more of a water fuck off. How don't you dare look what I did fresh? I Wonder who orders that bottle of water for you because you certainly didn't obtain it yourself. You're the mom of the house I'm the dad of that That's true mom's mom's everything so I have so many questions about this number one

Keep it in there. It doesn't it rub it raw. It's a pull yarn out of your snatch and 28 days worth Well, or does she replenish the supply? Let's get some answer. I need to know a lot That's been wound so that it will unravel from the center the same time I Stick it up inside me and I pull out the thread and then I smell it Now you've been knitting That's the last year and a half well, this is this is the New Zealand Way, where's she from? She's Aussie. I'm sorry. This is the Australian method. I use I don't know I just guess she said I'm from Melbourne. Yeah, she's a male bun

This is how the the Melbourneians do it. Mm-hmm. I prefer the asshole method. Yes. Yeah, I put an entire spool of yarn in my Unusual and it's confining because I'm attached to this I can't sort of get off and wander around. Yeah, you have really it's restrictive. Sure. No, no It's not painful. I mean not being push babies out of there. So it's kind of but it's dry It's a pretty robust area but it's got to feel like Sandpaper because that that yarn doesn't look very soft. It doesn't look soft. It doesn't look silky smooth

It looks like it feel coarse on your little that because sometimes when you pull out a tampon It rips it if you pull it out and it's dry I'm just letting you know and that's cotton. Yeah, it can it feels like it's tearing out your vagina Well, when you're doing the knitting from your asshole, does it? Yeah, it's more Juicy in there and lubricated natural juices natural fresh natural That's got a smell not good though her yarn your yarn It's all brown your yarns the word Cuz I smelled that

Monster fart you drop that was crazy Now just to be fair that was sick because I had diarrhea yesterday for the first time in a long time I had a 7s 2 7s in a row I felt like I had to sleep like that joke of yours where you feel like you have taken a nap after a dump Yeah, I was like down for the count man It's intense. So this is her look how proud she is. She's very proud You know, I think part of it and she's proud

Her there's not a lot of people that are the they come up with an idea Yeah, where they feel like this is a truly original yeah, and that's evokes. Yes There's no one has done this no I guarantee there's nobody on planet earth doing this right now, but her it's like when you come up with a really good joke Yes, you're like So pleased with herself So pleased, yeah, yeah, it's good. So she's the performance wouldn't be the performer I don't know if it's a performance. We're going to

Cut out my menstrual cycle from it The start is when I'm menstruating it makes knitting a hell of a lot harder because I'm in a fucking bar and so you have to Yank at it. I Know I knew that was coming. It was just filling me with so much anticipation and joy Look at that. Yeah, I mean I've seen that before Get a period myself. Yeah, that is what the tampon

I don't get the tampon strings That's what I'm wondering is why not just collect your tampon strings and then make a tapestry out of but she likes to go fresh I get it. Yeah, it's fresh on the scene It's intense for our listeners who can't see this it's pretty spotty The yarn at certain points of it You know what though? There's this whole movement to stop period shaming. Yeah, I think I told you yesterday about those Well, I'm not trying to period shame. No, no, no I'm just saying that this is kind of a timely art project

That's what I'm doing because there's this movement now to take the shame out of women's menstrual cycles Like there's panties you can buy now, but you can like free bleed in them Mm-hmm, and you don't have to wear a pad or a tampon and you just like let it rip in these underwear And then you just wash down and they're like super absorbent. I guess Wow, but they look like regular panties. So I mean It's a lot. It's quite a lot. Yeah Yeah, I don't know if I'd want to share my menstrual cycle with everybody and why what's up with you form of a Scarf, you know what I would prefer to see. Hmm this kind of Like performance on

Guys the best. Yeah, what do you think he's up to today? He's probably doing something with duct tape I put duct tape up my ass Yeah Can we watch more is there more of this yep, you think I was gonna leave you hanging. I'm so intrigued. I love it You're okay. I love this chick. It's sort of slightly uncomfortable. Yeah Rousing sometimes When I'm sitting in the gallery There's people say you're so brave. You're so brave and

Me it feels just really Natural and really uneventful. It is sort of what I wanted it to be natural and I always put yawn in my pussy Natural and uneventful. I think the menstruation does me but maybe the Maybe the knitting with it. That's that I can't feel natural Pussy, huh? I don't know if I could I mean, I don't know though That's one word for it. I don't know if I could bleed in front of strangers. That would be the only part

When I'm sitting in the gallery knitting I get a lot of the reaction is people say you're so brave. You're so brave Yeah, I'm brave. I mean, we don't what whatever Duck type yeah, that's intense a lot of crazy ladies on the show What made you vomit more you're a drinker or pussy blood neither you're a drinker yeah, cuz pussy blood I'm used to I've I've birthed so you've seen a Lot of stuff come out of me Person came out one time. Yeah, and then all the junk that come comes out after him and the stitching up and there's cutting and that Yeah, this doesn't I the only thing that bothers me is the thought of putting

Coarse yarn up my vagina and then pulling it out a lot. Okay. I just don't think that feels good Yeah, when you you know birthed our son. Yeah Duck type. Yep. Our son duck tape. Yeah, I wish duck tape were there to duct tape me together Yeah, you were all I was all fucked up. You're all fucked up. And then the doctor was like, I don't know what to do Shut you think duck tape be my neck my obstetrician could be yeah Duck tape Duck tape. I think the expectation when you're showing the vulva that people are going to Feelings of fear and repulsion

So by linking the vulva with something that people do find warm and fuzzy and benign and even boring Long period of time. I hope that people question the fears and Negative associations. They have like a nice lady. Yeah, I like her. Yeah, I'm interested. I'll be friends there It's be interesting to meet her and be like, uh, she's like, what are you doing tonight? I'm like, oh, you know, I just got to Melbourne and probably gonna take it easy. I'm performing. Oh, yeah Where's your show at this gallery? Okay, maybe I'll stop. What are you doing? But it's interesting that she thinks that her shoving

yarn up her cooch and then having a period on that yarn and then knitting with it live will Alleviate people's fears. Yeah about anything as opposed to terrifying. Yeah Yeah, I'd say this scares a thing it terrified. We're gonna 5150 you tonight, man. Yeah Well, you know, I know you go different strokes different same strokes same strokes everybody's Man That was a good one. That's really good Crush you are so lovely fight. Do a me a fight on Tom. That's a Norwegian Burt Chrysler's fact Throw that out there for people. That's good. People submit it in different languages and we always like to reward them

So much to talk about jeans first of all we should mention to our patreon patreon listeners patreon.com mom That we are releasing the live episode from flappers On patreon later in the week $5 gets access to the backlog of bonus episodes Rewards offered at different levels every first of the month release scans of our notes from the month desktop wallpapers And we also release a poster

Many of you got the Cincinnati fart poster commemorating the infamous Cincinnati fart many of you have seen the Documentary film that 60 minutes made the little teaser That kind of revisited the Cincinnati fart and that poster went to a bunch of people that subscribe on Patreon so please subscribe to patreon.com slash mom Got all the extra Bonus stuff and yes live episodes are definitely going on patreon Don't bust my fucking balls about it. I there's a bunch of

Proof that it needs to be there and not as a regular release Yeah, that is because we released live episodes over and over and over on our regular channel and You know, even though I enjoy them you enjoy them and some people do the masses prefer Studio show regular. It's fine. I don't blame them Okay, don't blame them. You know Sam. Yeah We got a bunch of feedback on Retarded stuff. Yeah, I'm really thank you for all the emails letting me know what it is that retarded people do all day I'm tired

It's definitely retarded. Yeah, when you say people yeah retarded So There's a whole bunch you want to get into there's emails. There's um, you know, there's videos Yeah, I'd like to hear give me an itinerary I read through a few of them and a lot of them seem to be very similar to what we were proposing an average day Was all came out of your question. Yeah, your question was what do retarded people do all day? Yeah, and we discussed that at length and then a lot of listeners Volunteered

But I am genuinely interested and curious and I I I do want to know and I I feel like retarded people have been marginalized in our society I feel like you saw the more when I was a kid in the 80s remember on facts of life There was a comedian character who I don't I forget what what she had Trudy. Yeah, no, it's her name Trudy is not her name. You know how much she was a comedian and she had some kind of different the facts of life Yeah, Trudy, Trudy, or was that the big girl, right? The big girl? Wasn't that her name? Not Natalie Who is? You're thinking about Rudy. No Cosby show Trudy. Okay, let's see. Okay

She wasn't not retarded. No, she would came Jerry. That was her name Jerry She was down a comedian and she had some kind of problem. I don't know what it was Oh, but you did see them a lot more and there was a whole life goes on life goes on. There was a TV show starring Retarded person and and that was kind of a norm in the 90s And then it's like retarded people just disappeared and you used to see them working in grocery stores more I feel like yeah, like growing up I would always see them pushing carts or bagging groceries and now like you never I don't know Yeah, I feel like there was more of a push to accept them in society in the past

Even that word, you know the word retarded right so from 53 to 73 The the club the organization was called the National Association for retarded children and then from 73 to 81 it was called National Association for retarded citizens and Then from 81 to 92 it was called Association for retarded citizens arc told 92 and now yeah And then they changed it to the arc of the United States and they said like okay. They said it here Is it says as the terminology? The words

The met the term mental retardation remains the terminology used in the medical field right reference in many state and federal laws however intellectual disability and Developmental disability are making their presence known and we're doing everything in our power to make sure they're adopted more broadly It still means somebody's retarded though. It's still like if somebody goes he has an intellectual disability What like what he's retarded Right, I mean we can we can flower up the language, but exactly at the end of the day I don't think it ultimately helps, you know, I don't think so either and I don't think there's anything wrong with being retarded or

Okay, you know that they used to medically use the term moron that right right. Yeah, I know or or a mongoloid Yeah, idiot. Yeah, I think it's a little severe Moron but yeah, they in the early 1900s days really is a moron. He's a moron. Yeah, that just means stupid But yeah, be retarded means to have a thing that is Held back to retard some things progress, right? Right, right? So maybe it's fire or mentally correct exactly Yeah, you know, I don't know. I we grew up calling retarded people retarded Yeah, see And now I know it by heart he earns money he pays taxes. He's just like you

Ark the association for retarded citizens. Yeah Don't throw us away. Yeah, see that's what I'm saying Yeah, that's how it's been playing since I got it though. Yeah, should we press pause and address? No, it's a nickel issue Oh, you mean that file. Yeah, yeah Oh, really? Yeah, cuz I like this commercial because it brings up the point I was saying that you don't see retarded people integrated in society. I feel like anymore See he earns money he pays taxes. Yeah, good for him. Just like you Ark the association for retarded citizens

Everybody needs to feel important and have a job and life and a function. I don't I don't know Well, I wouldn't say he's just like me, but He's got your I pull my pants down before I go potty, but yeah, he has your glasses. He did have my glasses on But you're right. I think so there's a little more like hidden. Yeah, I feel like you don't see them in society I don't know. I don't know what happened. I don't know why yeah, they can't like, you know I think baggers grocery baggers and cart pushers should be yeah the grocery bagger Back where I went in Florida. Yeah, they were all you know disabled guys. Yeah. Yeah Good job. It's a fun job. It's funny. So I always do this to tell you

So the guy would bag our groceries and then at this place they walk you to the car They put them in in the car for you. Oh, that's nice. So when he put them in the car and he'd walk away My mom go, thank you. I'd like mom Something different about that guy I would play it real serious Didn't he seem like a little off or something? She's like Tommy. He's That's the thing about people that have English as a second language. Yeah, they don't move along with the times as terms PC

Watering down. They don't do it because they just learn a word like that's the word Yeah, the one of the hardest I ever allowed it was like fucked up and was you know almost mean But it was so innocent on her behalf one of her friends had a son who had like some severe mental disability Yeah, and she came over the house and the kid was like older than me So he was 30 when I was 20, right? So we're at the house and she's like, oh, you know, my friend Roxy her Yeah, she has to go do this thing. She has to take him somewhere today And I'm like just take her son somewhere and she goes well, you know and her friends right there and she's like, yeah I have to do a lot of things for him. I was like, oh and my mom goes her son's retarded and I was like

Like in the middle of conversation, I just walked into another room And then she came in she's like, I know you are laughing I go, yeah, because you just called her son retarded to her face And she's like well, and I go it's not that because I was going like on the other end Of course, you can't say that to her because right and then right away Roxy was like he's she was he has it learning disability and I go, oh, okay, okay, but I just I lost your shit So anyways, here's one of the emails we got. Hey guys huge fan. I wanted to give you a few fun facts About what people with mental disabilities do during the day since mommy jeans was curious

I used to work at a center here in Vegas that provides job placement and training for the disabled. Tom is correct Tons of sugar. Hmm. You would see a lot of them walk around with two liters of soda in their hands at all times Yeah, they don't have that mechanism. I know but then take it away from them Well, a lot of them drive themselves to work every day. Good. Keep that in mind next time you got a cross walk around the freeway The majority live in state funded group homes with or with their parents they fuck like rabbits anytime anywhere But if you have Down syndrome you are sterile So there's that the majority of them are smart enough to know that they are mentally disabled Oh in my experience

Okay, my experience there were several male employees who when they were walking towards the restroom Would start dropping their pants around their ankles well before they entered the restroom And would usually come out at the same time you know, I know It's interesting every time I saw a naked man with Down syndrome. He had a massive hog really every single time Love the show. Keep up the good work Gabriel. Thank you Gabriel. So you really nailed it sure And I hate that they're eating so much. Did you have another email you wanted to read? No, I wanted to share though I have a I don't know if he's retarded, but he's he's slow My cousin Chubba

In Hungary Yeah, he came to stay with me like I was a teenager and my dad tried to teach him how to fix forklifts and stuff Yeah, and my dad was like, I think Chubba is a retarded Because his parents had that blood type thing where two people of this that blood type shouldn't have children right and that was Chubba And he's in his 40s and he lives at home In Budapest. Yeah, and he rides his bicycle around the city and he looks for UFOs Yeah, he's different. Yeah, he's touched. That's all he does. Yeah He he believes in aliens and he's trying to find and he loves to ride his bicycle

And he bakes and stuff like that like so, I mean, you know, he's got a job in a bakery though Contributing. Yeah, like he's got a full life. Yeah, so that's cool Um, here we go. Mommy's I'm a librarian at a special needs school a librarian. Yeah At flor- in florida. I work at the school for over 10 years and I have seen some shit My girl is a high school teacher and works there as well. We love your show I have to say I envy our students honesty brutal honesty And in some cases their total lack of inhibition I enjoy their company more than most people

If anything, they're a lot like you always doing and saying hilarious stuff. I see tom is coming to tampon They're a lot like you Maybe I can find him in opener lol Also watch out for special kids. They have Pika pika. They have pika. They eat everything because when you eat like Chips on the wall and you eat dirt or you oh, no, I said, why don't you pull out your I don't know it's either you pull out all your hair or you eat I think well it says that he said I've seen one slam a gallon of water in record time

Yeah, okay. I don't know. So you maybe maybe retarded guys the water champ. That's what you should look for Hmm Interesting Mommy's I'm writing in a listing that's regarding daily life as a retard My wife worked as a living caregiver for two women who are retarded Both I believe in their 40s Old for a retard right Tina. Yeah I'm old for a retard their day. However was not all

Bean licking bean flicking and sugary treats Ladies were up early had a day program They went to find odd job places went on field trips learned skills that might allow them to one day live on their own Then they would go home go for walks watch tv dinner I'm sorry to inform you that it's not all day old donuts and porn marathons. It's actually pretty boring And much similar to the life of maybe a grade school kid. Yeah, okay interesting. Andrew. Thank you. Yeah, interesting. Yeah Yeah, yeah, you know what's interesting too is when I had diarrhea yesterday That I felt the need now. Tell me if you do this. Yeah, it's like a weird thing where when I have diarrhea

Um, sorry, this just caught my idea my eye that an actual retarded person just wrote in That's not really you don't think it's really real Go ahead and read it. It says my name is Mike. I want to tell you about an average day for me as a 28 year old retarded person Okay Before I begin I want to to be known that Tina is the main mommy. See I think it's a joke. Oh, it is. I don't think it's legitimate Okay, you read that one. Yeah, okay. Never mind. Go ahead. Let's talk about you I was having a thought and I really wish you would respect. I'm sorry. I just caught my eye Okay, so

It's a very important subject. Okay. I had diarrhea yesterday as I said twice And I felt the need To strip down Yeah, like I had to take off my pants anywhere and I wanted to take off my shirt I know those are completely naked. They're not even they're not weekly. Those are once every few months those dumps Where you like I gotta change. I gotta get naked. Why do I have to get naked before I Like what is it that like you have to shit? You know, you're going to battle. You know, you're going to war You know, why wear your good clothes? Don't wear on your sunday best. You're about to go wade through a storm right now

I just feel like like I gotta get clothes off of me like when I'm in pain or something I know exactly how you feel. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's so weird big shits. By the way speaking of This uh disabled people's inability to control their sugar intake Do you have a contribution? Yeah, I kind of broke down. I had an incident You put gas in the car Yeah, I don't know what happened to me But this morning I dropped the dogs off at the groomer and then I had to put gas in the car and like

I went inside to get some hand sanitizer because I fucking well every time you pump gas, you know, your hands are dirty Yeah, it makes me crazy And I know this about myself that I love those sour straws Now there's a bunch of other candies that are sour, but these are my favorites They're strawberry and the apple sour punch straws. Yep And so I bought a pack of each And and then I devoured both of them and it's 11 in the morning. You must have really crushed it too I don't know what came over me

I went nuts Like I and I'm when I start opening and I eat those packages. I have to have the whole package too It's really bad today is day five for me with no sugar. How are you feeling? I actually feel pretty normal now really the first 48 hours to 72 hours are the worst. You're a grumpasaurus Yeah, I know sorry He went to get a facial with the russians. Yeah, and Feel good. You look great It was really bad. It was really bad. Yeah, the nose was just

Filthy, I don't wash my face. Yeah, I know. So you just don't wash it ever Yeah, I I told you what to use. Did you use it last night to wash your face? Um That's a no. Yes. No. No, I did. I didn't use that one I used the one in the shower that you said is the scrub not the scrub the other one the salt. Yeah, that's a good one Yeah, yeah So then you went to ended the russian lady go like You're really fucked up. No, she goes there's room for improvement

Um, you know the one thing I didn't realize about facial because I think I've only done it one other time is uh How much there's they're just not there how much comments on yeah, they would firstly come out like six guys come on your face Softens the skin. Yeah, and then they're like open your mouth. Open your mouth and you're like, I thought it was just for my face Well, you can open your mouth. It's not mandatory. Yeah. Yeah, but that um She's like, okay, like sets you up rub something on your face Puts the steamer here and then she's like I'll be back. Yeah, I know you're like, all right And then she just leaves for 10 15 minutes. It's freaky, right? Cause you're like, did she forget about me? Yeah

Then she comes back Okay, let's see Okay And they put that The mirror or not the mirror of the glass over you and look the magnifying glass I want that magnifying glass. I have one you do. Oh, yeah, all girls do it's our secret. It's your secret It's my secret Did she give you a nice little shoulder rub?

Uh, not really. No. What? You're supposed to get one where your face gets steamed Um, babe. What? We had another retarded email. It just came in right now. Okay Hi. Hi, Thompson. You're a high postrena Okay, that's not a retarded person. I'm a big boy who goes to a fun school. I have friends Stupid so dumb says I don't like I don't like Kirstina Pajinsky. Her jokes are too hard. My teacher's like her I think Tom is funny. I like Tom. My friends like Tom. See, you're the retarded people's comic. Yeah, you're right I've told you this for so long. When are you gonna go and make your act retarded? Oh, man

Anyways, I appreciate all the input all the interesting Things everybody told us about this. Yeah, that was interesting. I never thought we'd go down that tangent But we did we did. Yeah, and I like the that that some retarded people know they are because that was a big Um debate for us in that infamous would you rather? Yeah, that I dropped months ago. Would you rather be retarded or get jerked off by your grandfather on the ferris wheel? And that's heavy. The big problem was whether or not you know if you're retarded and now we know that some of them some of them Do know. Yeah, some of them do know Speaking of

God, damn it. Doesn't it angry to look at him? So we a few weeks ago I was hanging out with matt full-shron and mike cronin after shows in columbus And somehow we're just talking about football. I think it just prompted me to pull this guy up fucking asshole Mark davis the son of legendary owner and coach al davis of the oakland raiders He inherited about 500 million dollars. Wow, and um, that's what he looks like. That's that's what he does And the crazy thing is I guess people rightfully give him shit constantly. Yeah the bowl cut

Right. He drives 500 square miles to get his haircut like that 500 so he seeks it He goes to the only person 50 each way the only person in northern california Willing to give him a terrible haircut. Yeah, you know one time My mother went to alan when she was alive and asked for it. We that is that soon cut Yeah, I want short on one side Long on the other and alan went now. She must got mad. She got Furious a fuck you you motherfucker. What you fucking piece of shit mexican. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She said that's him, of course

She was out of her mind my mother. What did he say to that? Then, you know, she he figured out She was crazy and then that was that that's the last time she saw alan and I've been seeing him for 20 years But yeah, anyways, that's why because I there's no hairdresser That should do that to you. Yeah as an adult and That is terrible. Oh my god This is why you shouldn't be alone. This is why nobody should be alone He doesn't have a wife, right or a girlfriend or a boyfriend. No, he's bachelor for a long time. Of course No woman would let this happen. Oh my get your life mark davis

You guys got to see this guy. So google mark davis. Yeah, that's his dad Right before he died. Oh god Yeah, runs in the family. Yeah a lot of bunch of lookers these people. This is one of my favorite gods with the expression Yeah, a lot of people bring up a Lloyd christmas, you know, yeah, that's what it looks like. It's a perfect bowl This is my favorite picture though Look at the way his arm lays in his

Crotch it lays real special, right? It's weird. Yeah And the teeth are bad. He's got bad veneers. The reason I started posting is because I laughed so hard at this this guy did A guy did his I guess halloween costume where He got a wig he got the shirt, but the best part is he laid his hand Super retarded Oh my god, that made me laugh so hard. Yeah, it's so weird

Fuck now. Do you think I think he might be slightly autistic or ask something wrong with him? I mean first of all, it's wrong, you know, he's a team owner and He looks like like I said like he won a scratch off and was like dude. I got these sunglasses I'm balling now. Um, it just looks he looks out of his mind He uh, he drives a minivan still like a like a 93 caravan. Sure has a flip phone, you know, like Probably there's some aspect of him that's like, oh I'm not, you know, I didn't earn being a team owner. I think he's probably that's interesting and some care about that Yeah, my own theory, but um

Now the hair is definitely really bad, man. There's no question about it I again, I think this is what happens when you don't have a woman love in your life a woman and he's a lifelong bachelor And he's probably a little socially retarded. Yeah, yeah Like I said, maybe aspergerie a little autistic or something and there's there's definitely things going on Jesus Jesus christ. Yeah, if there's a time Well, it's just a time to you know what you do. You go no more public showings. No more

This is what I look like. I'd be like, no, no, dude Stay don't don't I have a big screen? Let me watch the game from here. Yeah, you're Howard Hughes at that point. You're a recluse. Why don't leave the house Jesus christ. Well, there's a band-aid on your face. Yeah, that's a that's a real fucked up lesions And the blood doesn't heal no more. It just runs. Yeah, I know You gotta stay inside. Okay Take me to the game. No, nobody wants to see you. He got real crazy in his older days Al Davis did he yeah, and he used to like he was an owner and coach at one point and

Then he would You know, he was the guy that always he would draft players based on measurables in other words If they ran really fast in the in the 40-yard dash timing and they jumped really high It'd be like he'd be like draft them and they were like, well, we think this guy's a better player That guy's fast draft them. So they would just draft these like really Impressive guys that are on on if we look at the numbers on the measurables, but then They would be, you know, not as good of players and he would also

They said he would call down to the box Like he'd be watching the game in the owner suite and be like throw the bomb Like just go deep and they're like, um, what we gotta have a really a little more sophisticated offense now Throw the bomb and they're like, all right They would just run plays that he forced them and would it work? No, no, he's like, but I own the team. Yeah, that's what I want. I don't blame him You knew that if you if you were working for him that he was definitely in charge

There was no question the raiders that used to be an la team. Isn't that crazy? Now there's a big push for them to go to vegas. That's perfect. Yeah, that is a perfect fit For that team because the ogling raiders the fans are terrifying. Well, the nfo will have to pretend to be in shock And remove them distance themselves from the reality that the nfl is

gambling's biggest cash cow You know, so that's the nfl is like what in vegas? It's like, yeah, dude They're going to vegas and you have no problem with it because gambling is what keeps this business alive. I mean nfl's Thrives on the fact that people gamble every week Tens of millions hundreds of millions if not billions and billions of dollars fantasy football is all about gambling It's all about money, you know They're they're they're sport is tied into money and they're like we wouldn't ever want it to be in las vegas. Why?

Yeah, it's a best place in the world. Of course. It is the best place especially for those animals who love the raiders Yeah, yeah, yeah, there's so hardcore man. I posted those pictures and every every fourth or fifth comment was like, fuck you, bro Raiders California and their raiders man. We are intense. It's also like the gangster team All gang it's gang bangers who love the raiders and I I want I feel like that did start in so cal because growing up here Gang bangers wore raiders shit and those lawyers, right? Those are our two teams And then when we lost them, I think like the hardcore gang bangers the nor cow ones took it over Yeah, like a la rasa. What's the like, you know, the prison gangs. They it's different the northern california ones

Oh, definitely prison gangs are different prison gangs are totally different. Those guys took it over. Yeah, that was black and white was always a You know, that was the the colors adopted by You know, if you were like, I'm a gangster you were black and white so you could wear oakland raiders You could wear chicago white socks because that's black and white. That's what those Like nwa guys always had raiders stuff on white stuff stuff on, you know, yeah, that's right. Oh white socks, huh? Yeah, just because I mean, well, it's also the white socks are on I guess is it south side of chicago So it's a little more it's more hardcore like the cubbies are Are you know more like the affluent team, you know, so if you're like, I'm down your white socks, you know, okay

Yeah, I'll say what you're doing times ago. Okay. All right. All right But then here, of course, all the blue and red teams too, you know, you gotta be careful the blue and the red teams Yeah, because the Crips and the blood affiliations. Yeah growing up in LA. I couldn't wear Red or blue to junior high school public school because of the gang affiliation pretty popular colors Really popular. I wish it would have been like, you know, burnt orange and green or something. Yeah And chartreuse you never wear. I don't wear two of the most popular colors Stupid and british knights. You couldn't wear those because they were bks blood killers. Oh, right So that's what the Crips would wear all the time. Yeah, I'm a blood killer. Yeah, there's this other thing that

The bloods do I guess Crips do it too. So if you're a blood You don't when you write you don't use the letter c because that's considered The uh, you got blue band shake anything. Yeah. Yeah. How was the Crips? How's the blood so they'll use like the letter x, you know, k Or b. Yeah, yeah Right, right. Wow. You really hate those Crips, huh? Yeah No, dear that just how loyal are you, man? Hello, you are you into this nonsense? Yeah, it's a nothing that means anything. Yeah

Um, listen, I have a correction for the last episode Um, I said that my father drank 75 beers in one sitting that is not correct I remember he told the story it was between he and willy together They drank 75 it sounded like a lot. Yeah, so sorry guys My father's still an alcoholic rest assured, but just not how did um, what made you what prompted this? I just remember I was like, wait a minute. Did I say that he yes, you did and that's incorrect They it was he and willy no willy's dead, right from that from that day Uh, but my father your dad drank basically over 30 beers correct in a day, correct alarming and he's still proud of that

Yeah, you know, yeah, that's something to be proud of I'd like to do an outing like that with a buddy, you know Go somewhere and drink a lot of beers like try to try to set a record Yeah, you have a friend that you're gonna tour with pretty soon Yeah, I don't think I don't think it's a good idea to do it on tour. I think it'd be a vacation thing You know like hey, there's there's no shows. Let's go do this. How many beers can you drink? I don't know. I'm not a big booze bag so You know, I think if it's like easy light beer it kind of goes down

Uh, we're talking over the course of a day I don't know man Like think of your vacation like, you know, you start drinking in the morning like We were in Mexico. I remember what you were saying But this is different though because with this thing We're talking about if i'm trying to do that you approach it differently than casual vacation Because vacation you might drink a few and be like, oh, you know, you're saying you put your effort right the effort towards it Right, that's interesting. Maybe I could set up something where um,

you know, I announced a location and A date and we try to get people there and we all try to drink as many beers as we can It's a really good idea. Yeah, and it's positives for the community I can't I can't drink more than four drinks a day Yeah, you don't have a high tolerance. You've never I've never seen you really go for it get ripped Never I just don't you know why because there's a vomiting factor And I have a real fear of vomiting so now with liquor I've pushed it before but then I don't remember what happened

I black out which I know is healthy So I've done that a number of times. I haven't seen you drunk drunken You said you were drunk at Ellis's baptism party, but I don't yeah, but not like really really I mean, I was just like so tired that one drink had me feeling like I got Fated, huh? All the things all fucked up Yeah, no, I haven't done that in a while. I have I have had I'm trying to think of the last time I really boozed it because I was funny because I was ripped too because we were both

So exhausted that was a tough week and I had like one glass of wine and I was like And there's pictures of us that the Pictures of us when we're ripped. Yeah, and you can we're all shiny and red holding Ellis like You know my greasy my thing usually once a year I overdo it with liquor drinks, you know Lick a drink. Yeah. I'll be like wow What do you like to drink? What is my drink scotch? Sometimes vodka soda is like my I'm out drink right because it's easy Goes down low sugar boy drink. Yeah, it's low sugar

Yeah, but those you can get in trouble with if you really if you keep bordering them, you know Yeah, cuz uh, you forget you don't taste the alcohol after a minute and then you just realize Oh, I just drank half a gallon of vodka Yeah, yeah, so the beer is way easier because yes much lower alcohol content So, I don't know man. We should I should try that. I should try you really should Yeah, I think you should get into this. I think uh, yeah, good thinking I don't know. I'm thinking maybe set a goal of like 20 beers and just see if I can Oh my god, I think burt can oh burt

How many beers do you think burt can drink in one day if we really were trying to go for it and we're doing I mean you just picked like he'll say his favorite beer is Heineken. Yeah Um, I think it's my dad's favorite too or a but miller miller light It's kind of like sickle cell with weed. Yeah, man I haven't done it in a long time with them, but the last like years ago. I would go over to his house And he was like you want to smoke? I'd be like no, I'm good and he would roll He would smoke an entire joint an entire joint of like, you know the good california medical shit That's done light up another one then he'd be like

Blah blah blah totally normal fully functioning. Let's go some people. Yeah, no problem And I was like man if I had smoked Like a fraction of that I'd be laid out on your couch right now. Yeah, you wake me up tomorrow Oh, yeah, and I can't smoke in front of other people. Yeah, I can only smoke pot alone Now it's been a minute since I've touched this stuff obviously, but Yeah, I don't like I get I get really self-conscious and I don't I don't like it I'm not the type that likes to smoke with other people. Yeah, I only like it if in socially I like it in very small dose. I think it all comes down to tolerance. You just have a little tolerance

Oh, yeah, I've always been So if I'm with people I want a little bit if I'm alone I could do a little more but then I spend a lot of time You gotta be a better person Yeah, I know I started analyzing everything that's in my life and what I'm not thinking about I don't like it I don't need to think that much. I mean I really think too much. Hello. My name is Konwani and We'll be attempting The longest chair boy

This kid's cute. I know he's adorable. I love him. Just so you know, though don't get surprised All right, okay Yeah boy It's long Yeah, he's attempting the longest. Yeah boy ever. I didn't know there was a thing. I didn't know either. He's winning so far Damn wow He put his hand I'm still here, man Wow

Good job, man. What a talent Wow Really proud of you. Good job. Good work kid. That was really good. Yeah, everyone's got a talent I don't know if you actually have the record but In my heart, you're the longest you have boy ever You know You know, um We were talking about a baby names

Yeah, and we decided a really good name if we were to have a second son. Yeah would be carls jr. Yeah Carl's jr Carl's jr. Cigarette. Yeah, just because I I ate a lot of carls jr. People ask me How is your son so strong and big and our son is as big as a one-year-old like a well I ate carls jr. Almost every week And I had extra onion rings and extra barbecue sauce and I'd park in the parking lot and that's why he's so big That's right. There was a time when I was eating western bacon cheeseburgers twice a week Yeah, and then in and out every week crushed it. I just love the idea about 50 pounds of people having to say the name

Correctly, you know because I can picture us doing that and then people would be like carl and I'd be like it's carls jr Don't forget the apostrophe and don't forget the jr. It's carls jr. His name is carls jr. Like the restaurant Yeah, you like the western bacon cheeseburger? Yeah, I ate a lot of them. It's like Ruth's chris steakhouse, but I would like to name our son tom's Ruth's chris There's too many possessive It's such a dumb name. It's so dumb. I remember explaining it to you because you're like, where the fuck are we eating? And I was like, it's Ruth's chris. You're like, what do you mean Ruth's chris?

And so the best way to explain the people that don't know about this steakhouse picture it this way It's chris steakhouse. Okay. It's chris's It's apostrophe s's. No, no, no, no, the wrong. It's just called chris steakhouse chris. Okay, so chris steakhouse Chris steakhouse. Okay, Ruth bought it and she wants people to know it's Ruth's chris steakhouse It's no it belongs to Ruth's. Okay, so now it's possessive of Ruth. Yeah Ruth's apostrophe s yeah chris Steakhouse Ruth's chris steakhouse. Yeah, got you. Okay. Now. Now it makes sense, but if we name our son Tom's Ruth's chris

Oh, shit, that'd be pretty cool. Tom's and then so like what's up with that dumb fucking name? You'd be like my my husband loves steak like that Well, we we ate there the week that Ellis was conceived. So we almost named him Tom's Ruth chris. Yeah Yeah, I know Don't you feel like somebody should have pulled Ruth aside and been like, yeah, this is a dumb Stupid name. Yeah, why why are you doing? Why don't we just leave it chris? Then I bet you this is like a divorce thing

I bet you like like chris was the husband's chris steakhouse and she's like it's mine now fucker I bet and then she's like it's Ruth's chris steakhouse interesting somebody look this up and tell us Yeah, I bet she was a divorce. I bet you to spite or she wanted to keep the brand of chris chris now here's the thing but hold on hold on. Yeah, but chris Steakhouse, I don't think that's correct either. It should be chris's Steakhouse correct or like Tony's restaurant. There needs to be a apostrophe chris

apostrophe steakhouse, don't you remember? God damn it. It's hinge cliff. Yeah, his dad's was like joe joe joe restaurant. Yeah, joey italian restaurant Not joey's Right, right. That's that's what this equivalent of is chris steakhouse. Yeah, should be chris's Dude, go on. Okay Over four decades ago Ruth fertile Jesus christ a divorced mother of two

mortgaged her home for $22,000 to buy a small 60 seat restaurant in warlands named chris steakhouse Shortly thereafter a fire forced her to change the original location and she renamed the restaurant Ruth chris steakhouse. I told you Yeah It's so dumb Ruth is so dumb Ruth that adds nothing to the brand. Nobody cares about chris. They only care about Ruth I know it is a great restaurant. I love me some Ruth's. Oh, it's great. It's great. Yeah Yeah No, that's what gave me diarrhea yesterday is that other steakhouse. We went to steak for lunch. Yeah

And I had the cream spinach and I think that's what did me in I think I had too much butter in it Butter gives me diarrhea sometimes Um, you want to hear Ruth's recipe for life? Sure insist on making a toast Make big plans but live spontaneously. Oh live and dine without regret It's nice Oh, Ruth. Oh, Ruth's. Tom's Ruth's chris. Tom's Ruth's chris. Get in here Did you do your homework? Tom's Ruth's chris go to your room

Tom's Ruth's chris I like Carl's jr. Cigaro much better. Carl's jr. Is really good. Yeah Yeah After a western bacon cheeseburger your mom's favorite. What about waffle house? I like the waffle house a lot. There's a lady named cherry's tennis waffle. No. Yeah Yeah, cherry's tennis waffle. Yeah, what does that even mean cherry's tennis waffle or or waffle cherry's tennis um, she was arrested I know because uh

Cherry had the world is a horrible place tennis waffles. Yeah. Yeah, she was arrested I remember because ryan and I were doing this pitch and look Oh cherry's waffles tennis Yeah, those are her rested in jupiter jupiter. It's a weird place. That's why they say police say tennis was arrested They wrote it. I had to write it as a regular article cherry's waffles tennis. That's her name There's also a crystal methanie Oh boy Beesow do do that, but he be bop bop bop. I like somebody be bop bop bop

But that's a that's somebody that changed their name to that You know, obviously to like for attention, but I think she might have been named cherry's waffles tennis Yeah silly cherry's waffles tennis get in here Yeah, that's pretty bad name. They're three favorite things. Yeah Yeah, I think parents really but then tennis is kind of a bougie sport I don't know too many hillbillies that like cherry's waffles and then tennis

What way would we have named them uh our kid farts? You love raspberries though. I love raspberries so raspberries steaks What's our favorite sport? Sitting. I don't know naps football though. I like oh you like football. Yeah, so raspberries steaks football get in here That's pretty good Ruth's christ is carl jr. Sit down. I still like carls jr. That's the dumbest thing Well, there you go. If we have another son carls jr. Will be his name Speaking of rednecks being dumb and stuff like that

We think of this neighbors along patents per road are still well buzzing about what happened Well, well, I just had got them feeding my chickens water them and stuff and I walked back from the house there to get my phone so I could play a video game on it All of a sudden I heard a big boom I looked back out my door and electric pole fell in the lines of the fallen And uh gill tackler's sideways into the fence. What was the end there? I don't know. Did you understand? Well, the master of accents is always got his ears open Um, it's neat that you found an american sample. Yeah

Yeah, for our our friends abroad across the pond this is How dumb we can be? Yeah. Yeah, the door and electric pole fell in the lines of the fallen And the gill tackler's sideways into the fence the jail tackler's sideways into the fence the the jail tackers jail tackers no the jail But that's a jeep but that doesn't sound like the lines of fallen the lines of falling the gill tackler's sideways into the fence and the jail tacker's side No jail tackers

That's fucking retarded the job my door and electric pole fell in the lines of the fallen And the gill tackler's sideways into the fence. That's so dumb. That doesn't make any sense The jail tacker's in the fence. The jail tacker's in the that is a fucking that is a real person too. Yeah He didn't know it But he found out that there was a hive of bees that was located there and he disturbed them and there's a guy come out screaming and squawking And uh running around Hold on pause like a kicking with head cut off

The hat that's eight eight Didn't we learn that what that stands for hh? The eighth letter of the alphabet howl hitler this guy's a fucking nazi guys. Is that surprise you? Well, isn't that also a uh looks like a nascar hat, right? That's what I thought it was Oh, you don't think it's a howl hitler. Well, let's see. Does anybody drive with a Is anyone sponsored by hitler on the nascar circuit? Well, you know who to ask Maybe daniac knows Um nascar driver. Let's see. Yeah, earnhardt jr

Oh, well, I wouldn't maybe he's a nazi Yeah, the eight eight stuff. Yeah, earnhardt should know better than that I mean, maybe they're like fucking finally, dude Yeah, right. Yeah, goodness Yeah Man, don't you wish this was your dad? How lucky that you're that's not your dad It's my daddy. Do you ever think of that sometimes like I'm just so glad 88. Hey, how hell are they? Yeah, that's that's probably someone's dad. Yeah, of course. It's a few people's dad. Yeah

Yep, uh, we He found out well, he found out the top of bees to the slope out there. He disturbed them and they come out Screaming and squawking squawking. No one talks like that. No one's super. It's like a disney Screaming and squawking. He has dip in his mouth too. Yeah permanently. Yes surgically implanted in there. Yeah And uh, howl running around running around like a chicken with a cut out Anderson then says they ran up the road grabbed a hose outside his home And started trying to spray off the bees. I told him I need to get out of water

Say, I didn't know he's getting laid up by bays. I thought it was just hot. What? I Understand what he said Right, it's crazy that this guy lives in our country. Yeah and talks like this. I know it's fucking insane Anderson then says they ran up the road grabbed a hose outside his home And so the people that were covered in bees grabbed this hose trying to spray off the bees I told him I need to get out of water So I told him you need to get out of that water. I didn't know he's getting laid up by bays

But he didn't know that the guy was getting Yeah, eat up with bees. Eat up with bees not stung by bees. Eat up with bees that rose crisp steak hat Curl, soon you'll get over here. Oh, it's just hot. I thought it was just hot. Oh, okay So he thought they were acting a fool right because they were just really high gotcha You understand that he wasn't aware of the bee problem. Yeah Yep, exactly Deputies say the couple were under the influence of drugs. They say they had driven down. So they were hot. They were hot

Most people are that live in these Areas what else are you gonna do? Thing is got no hope. They were hot the road looking for a place to swim a girl in that little bikini Jesus Christ. Yeah, we're red. I thought oh here. I'm sorry What? It got that that one. I definitely don't know and you can see whatever it is in his mouth Look at that again looking for a place to swim. Right girl in that little bikini. Yeah She had a little red dot thought over here

Man Do you understand that? Yeah the girl in that bikini red bikini. She's knitting a scarf out of her menstrual That's pretty good. That's pretty good. Yep Looking for a place to go looking for a place to swim a girl in that little bikini She had a little red dot thought over here She had little red dots all over her There you go. Oh Wow, look at you blue bands the hillbilly whisperer. How did you understand that?

Yep, that's it. You speak fluent hillbilly a girl in that little bikini She had a little red dot thought over here. Yeah that girl in that little bikini. She had little red dots all over her Yeah Wow, you could um, you should move there You could fit right in If I would red hair I've never seen no one like him before god. Do you think they're tolerant of jewish people? No Where for this guy? I think it's probably in america. It's probably the last

pocket of nonsensical You don't see like, uh, I mean in la, you know, it's a jewish city So you don't really see that but I mean you when you hear it you're like, what are you talking about? but I think deep deep southern Really biblical places are probably the last part. It's like, well, so you do? Jesus christ. Yeah, probably because it's like one of those things where they're they're never around it No, of course not even when I would do the south they would see my last name on the marquis and I was

Outsider. Yeah, for sure. Even though I'm like a white blonde. Oh, no, I'm a big outsider. Yeah. No, I don't look out I don't think you see it a lot. Hey, you're okay. I was a farer. Okay I Yep Of all that could have been your dad like do you just think of the probability of your life the The the the fortitude that you were born with your parents and I know not in like some horrible country And when you think about it, you're like, yeah, boy Turn that down

All right, bring back duct tape. I'd rather take that's better Hey duct tape That's duct tape's dad right there. That's what he saw that They call me duct tape That's where duct tape's from. Yeah They call me duct tape So good. Yeah, so good. Hmm. I don't know. Um, so I like to part. I like to part

Okay, babe, that's kind of the song I've been working on. I like to fart. I like to fart I've been singing my song more to Ellis. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy is the best Daddy daddy daddy doesn't care about you. It's not cool at all. He loves it. Yeah Anyways, um Here we go. Where is it? Here we go. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy Yeah, yeah Yeah Dental update

Oh, man, I gotta go I gotta go too. What are we doing this? Okay, let's find a new dentist in the neighborhood. Yeah, and go get our teeth cleaned Maybe we should go You know towards the news. Yeah, my hope Uh, that's where my old Hungarian dentist was. Oh, I remember him. In that neighborhood. He's retired now though. He's retarded Retired he shouldn't be working on it. I think it's pretty advanced Uh, dearest mommies, I used to cringe or fast forward when you did dental updates I knew I'd been neglecting my chompers. That's why it had been at least eight years

If I'd been to the dentist your life, I had no dental insurance and frankly, I was poor I had begun to smile less because I knew my teethers were looking less than awesome That's terrible years of smoking which I quit four months ago. Congratulations coffee and no flossing All of the signs of bad tooth ownership. I'm coming up on my wedding in a few weeks Oh Mortified at the idea of having to do anything But a tiny smile for all the fucking pictures that will be taken. Yeah, I made the appointment Yes, it was five days before my wedding

What if there are issues the nice lady took note of the nuptials and when they got a cancellation She called me. I had my appointment today and wanted to email my mommies and let them know the results Yeah, no cavities Wow But a few very very minor issues from my hard brushing habit and lack of flossing flossing flossing Everyone in the office was super nice. No one made me feel bad about not being the dentist They all wanted to help. We have a plan for the future. I will forever be a patient at this office Good. I just wrote them a thank you card and put it in the mail

I will not stop smiling and looking at my sparkly teeth. Good for you. I'm going to feel great about myself The day I marry the man of my dreams and a show in my smile You guys push me to do this. I thank you Always going to floss from now on. I promised kate the hygienist Thanks, eric Very nice. Congratulations. Good for you. And you see how that worked is that he says I have no money. This is a man writing this. Sorry. I'm okay And they they worked out a plan

Yes payment plans. So guys don't let money deter you From fixing your teeth. They'll always have more um You know empathy for you when you go in person and you tell somebody of course because they're people too And the thing is don't think you need dental insurance. Tom and I don't have it. I haven't had I had it once in my life And that's when I got ripped off remember the dentist told me I had about 20 cavities tom if you recall that happened to me And I don't have dental insurance anymore because of that true

Yeah Oh, by the way that you didn't even pick up on that. That's how he's distracted. What do you mean? I said that it happened to me when I had dental insurance that they told me I had like 20 cavities And then I you know I canceled it happened to me Yeah, I know Now you're admitting that it didn't happen to me you claim that it didn't happen to me What happened to you that I went to a dentist with dental insurance and they said that I had 20 cavities All right, I know I know you you always take my stories and make them yours, but um

There was another thing. Oh, you did this too. You did it. You did the other you did the other day What did you took something that happened to me and you're like, oh, it happened to me It was that Oh my god for the first three months That our son was alive. Yeah, and every time I would burp him I would burp and you'd go Jesus. Why are you burping every you're like that's so I don't understand if if you're burping him why you have to burp and then you go Hey, you know what every time I burp Alice. I have to burp and I go

I go you gave me shit for this and you go I have no recollection none You said to me every day and you're like no never no no recollection anyways Uh, the dentist did that to me and I burp when he burps so I have no recollection of the first three months of his life And you really don't remember me telling you the dental story of of but that did happen to me too Ask my friend Eric. Do you remember me telling you that that happened? Yes? Okay, and I remember who it happened with the tv tv friendly dentist See, I do remember yours and then the same thing happened to me in sperm bank, california

When I had dental insurance for from an employer I had. Okay. I swear I don't I don't you know, I know that you lie, but the thing is By the way, I still floss despite these Ridiculous stories that flossing doesn't help and didn't you tell me the other day how flossing does help that it breaks up bacteria Yes, no you told me clusters of it, right? Yeah, I said that to you somebody told you that it wasn't me that told you Okay, yeah, I remember the brain mommy guys. It's real It's real. It's real. Oh, by the way, um Talking about the poo pile. There's a oh bullshit with your poo pile email that came in about the poo pile

Hey, mommies. I was listening to powerful jre joe rogan episode 207 when I heard something amaze Joe steps away briefly around 118 45 while he's gone Red band tells you guys he has a new game for you. He's game to see how long he can go before flushing the toilet Mom me tina is not on board, but the water champion mentions he already did something like this in college And it was called poo pile since tom had no reason to lie at the time I believe this is massive evidence that he has been truthful the whole time

Oh, shit giving the yorkie sippers already married track record fedex and lecroy I think it's easy to see that the poo pile did indeed exist Tyler thank you for your message and you will be receiving a prize Anyways, by the way, the poo pile is different than not flushing the toilet. Yeah Okay, the poo piles adversity leveled not flushing Um, there's an outdoor pile that you claim people pooped on it. It wasn't a non flushing Do you remember we don't flush a lot in this house when it's yellow? We leave it mellow Yeah, we yellow on each other's yellow sometimes. Yeah, especially nighttime yellow nighttime yellow

You're gonna flush that every time it's a waste of water. It's a waste of water and sound. It's annoying. Yeah Just yellow yellow yellow we yellow on each other's yellow seven a.m. You flush it. That's right Because there might be four or five yellows in there Do you remember we played the uh I've been yelling a lot at night. Yeah, really. Yeah, I think I have to stop drinking water a couple hours before bedtime I would never do anything like that. So That's but I hydrate so much throughout the day I

But I pee all night because I'm hydrating so frequently. Yeah. Yeah, when you get used to the high consumption like me You'll get past it. I want you to note. Yeah, I had some eggs removed from me What what we talked about this. I don't know. Okay. Okay. So I had some eggs frozen Right. Yeah, all right. It's just in case we want kids later. Anyways, they told me that I can't drink water From 8 p.m. The night before the surgery. Yeah until the next day. Yeah I thought for sure that would really Be a thing for me. Yeah, but because I'm so hydrated. It didn't even bother me Oh, actually the doctor pulled me aside and told me that you were super dehydrated. That's a lie. Yeah, that's true

Remember when you had your blood taken and she's like, I can't find a vein because you're so dehydrated your blood was thick and coagulated I can't find a vein because you're so fat That all the fat is covering it. No, she goes your blood is like chocolate syrup. Why is that? It's because you're not hydrated. Bullshit. You remember we watched that, um, Dennis Rodman thing where we talked about, hey broke his dick Yeah Yeah, so So I I love him so much, you know, I have a lot of empathy for that guy. I think he's a good man at his core He's just he's fucked up. I think so too. He's got

He's an addict. He's a hardcore addict. He's a sweet guy though. Um So here's a listener who I believe says they broke their dick, right? No, kind of, broke your dick Mommies having been there uh excited cowgirl Let's see up road too high quickly slammed down Sounded seriously like a cherry bomb exploded. Dang It's the two main blood vessels that engorge for an erection. Okay Each one on each side of the main vein that pipes the swimmers

That once folded over can abruptly snap in my instance. Oh my butthole twin The blood flowed internally creating a big dark purple hog sausage And emergency surgery pronto five days of morphine and r and r in the hospital Jesus as an aside having happened in san francisco back in college going to sf general emergency means you're in a teaching hospital Oh, yeah, that's right. It's a medical school there similar to rodman's third break They hauled so many fucking doctor interns through to see the Anomaly of a broken dick it became A field trip of so here we have something you probably won't see again

Showcase of my dick with a catheter in it inside of a plastic tower of protection Awkward to absurd to nonchalant to local legend in the urinal circle of friends Get well cars from grandparents. We're a little awkward also. Oh, wow. Love y'all. Seattle fan. Wow That's just real. Oh, oh, yeah, it's real. Robin's like nick broke my nick broke my nick like three times Yeah, I mean from him. I actually know that think about it. I think I kind of believe it, you know No, no, it's real No, I think it happened in three times. I'm saying. Oh, absolutely It's just when you're whacked out on drugs or whatever hanging out with lunatics

Man hanging out with friends Yeah, yeah, you know losers you fucking loser. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, dummy How great was it To hear your dad laughing at blonde jokes, by the way, man You know, we gotta do we it's gotta be a regular Yeah, you guys we need to just Email us your your blonde jokes and your pollack jokes and then we'll just tell them to him. Yeah, okay

Yeah, it's it's so great listening to him laugh at the dumbest jokes ever I called him by the way right after that call and because remember when I go like how many people you kill? Yeah, he was like three What was that like? He's like, I don't want to I go dude. Yeah, I said, you know, I never would try to uh, you know make you Feel badly about that or put you on the spot about that. I said you've talked about it publicly before

Yeah, because he we've had on the show. Yeah, it's like a sexual experience. Yeah Yeah, he loves talking about it. Yeah, and he goes. Oh, I know he goes It's just how that question question hits you in the moment So I just wanted to share that with listeners that I called him immediately and he goes, you know that question Just in the moment, you might not want to discuss it, which I I think yeah makes sense Of course there's sometimes you don't want to talk about certain subjects and then immediately we talked about it for about 30 minutes and it wasn't recorded which sucks. No, it wasn't recording. He was like there's no thrill like it All right, we're back on board

Thank god killing the enemy So fun It was so fun right away. He was just like there's just nothing like it. He goes one time. I had was marine great marine college from texas and I said Yeah, if you could uh If you could kill the enemy or get a piece of pussy What would you do your father said this to me and I in the game so weird kill the enemy like that's what I like to hear

You're a great fucking marine They were trying to kill right? They are I know they love it marines love that stuff. They love that is a personality type Yeah, that that's that's what they do and thank thank god for the marines if you're wired that way It was so funny to kill people for good cause you were thinking about the fact that your dad vacations were my dad right was In war and my dad love love the moms great the love is so fucking hot I told him on that call. You know, he did dad just got back

Yeah, what he said a month in vietnam. He goes jesus christ I go we were just talking about what it would take for you to go there for a month It's not happening. Not happening. It's like I hate that place Of course, you're in war there. I go, um, I'm thinking about getting you a gift. Maybe taking you there like we'd go for tommy See the day I we Plain banked out. I was looking over side. I was like, yeah, never see this fucking place again Well, I imagine his experience was a little different than you know a club med and denang

Or uh, dude every time I bring it up. I get new stories. It's actually pretty fascinating I wish I could hear them. I really wish you was fascinating more stories. I mean, yeah Tell me them though. Yeah, because there's shit that you're like I think I've heard all the stories and then 40 minutes of shit I've never heard because he kind of sheltered you from the stories for many years Long time long time through that. I brought I brought up to him That when I was a kid because you know, I didn't curse for a long time as a kid You guys didn't swear at your house. Yeah, you were that kind of family that never dropped f bomb

No, what about it? What about shit? Could you say shit? Well, there's a certain age for all those things. So like I would hear shit dammit But you know shit was like as far as it went in the house And my mom even checked check, you know That was probably like that, you know, actually that was like that was them forever I mean my mom never Said anything worse than shit

my dad First time I heard him say fuck. I was in high school at some and I was like probably a high school Maybe in junior when I heard him say it easy like an accident like oh, fuck and I was like, whoa I'd never heard by that time. I was already saying it. Yeah, but I'd never heard him say it as a kid Probably a first time I started cursing regularly Was probably not till middle school. Maybe seventh, eighth grade or something, you know, like when you're kind of boys being boys But before that I didn't curse And one time, you know, I thought that was just like such a crazy thing to say the f-word

Right, and I asked I go, did you ever say the f-word? and I said no, have you ever said the f-word and I was like nine years old and I still remember him going one time One and I go when and he goes in vietnam And I was like, oh I reminded him and he was like, oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He doesn't remember that of course, but I remember it clearly and I was like, it must have been really bad And then I go, can I go? Yeah, I used to like really hide and he goes

I know it's a regular part of my fucking vocabulary And he's talking about and pussy with you now and like but because I've kind of watched this evolution of your relationship Because when you and I started dating You were 20 What you were 25 and he was still kind of putting the parental Yeah image on with you. Yeah, and then I remember one time you were like, dude My dad just talked about like in full bush. Yeah, and that was a few years Yeah later that he likes full bush and and I think of the whole thing is you know how you don't see your parents as people for

A long time for sure and then over time I realized like this dude's a total savage, you know And I mean he's the best guy, but he's a savage So it's all like, yeah, he's like Remember we did the blonde joke and he goes fucking broad Yeah Dumb broad he can see a dumb broad doing that. I love it so much. It's such an old school like show and and I you know what and I kind of But I respect that and I kind of miss that so much

Because at the end of the day like your dad obviously has two daughters and a wife And he loves them to death and treats them well and you know what I mean? I just I don't know it feels familiar to me Yeah, like here's my dad right here. He just sent me this Sounds different. Did can I read you a text message from my dad? Yeah, so he came back from vietnam. Yeah, this would be good. Yeah My father finally returned Hold on finally finally returned from vietnam after being gone for like a month and in the course of him being gone I mean we baptized our son We're an escrow on a house and I had my embryos frozen like those are three major

It's big things life things He didn't ask about any of it like the whole conversation It's like about him and then in the last few seconds I had to like Interject and be like oh, by the way, you know, ls is growing teeth. Yeah ls has two teeth now And we bought a house and this and that Anyway, so I'm telling him The location, you know, and he goes and then he's texting me You know, make sure you get everything fixed before you move in beautiful house

You're gonna be happy there and it's our neighborhood where you grew up And I go, yeah, no shit like in my head. I'm like, of course asshole. I remember where I grew up He goes, well, ls is gonna grow up there now and the liquor store Is close the one at this, you know, this cross street of blah blah blah blah remember. That's the one Fun memory my father has of this neighborhood. We're moving to remember the liquor store That we went to and I was like, yeah dad remember that liquor store. Yeah, that's the nostalgic moment. That's the sweet memory Yeah, my childhood because you used to go there a lot. I went every day. Yeah Yeah, that's where you pick up a sixer, right? That's right after work we go and and he get a the six or the 12er

when I was 12 Remember when you thought that that was just a normal thing? Yes You're like that's not every time I did that 12 pack 12 or every day after every day you pick me up from school and his Yeah, in his van. Yeah, you know, he had a he was a mechanic And I was so embarrassed by that van because it was greasy and stinky, you know, like uh, Some mechanics like we were all embarrassed. I mean not everyone but I I'm like you. I was so embarrassed of certain I know there's a certain era when they would dress certain ways. I was like, I know. Yeah. Oh my god

Cool sweater. Well, my dad dressed cool But when he would show up in his mechanics uniform sometimes and it would be like greasy and I'd be like, oh my god Yeah, yeah, my mechanics uniform. I'm so embarrassed But that was rare. Yeah, but he'd just come from the shop to come get me, you know But otherwise my dad always dressed cool. Well, he's cool. Yeah, he's you know, you're all cool. Yeah, yeah He's like that Italian guy, but you know, not that gay my parents showed up to See us in high school or middle school the same way you would show up to see a

A kindergartner in other words, like my dad would come to like, hey, buddy. And I was like, hey, man. I'm 15 Like can you dial it down a little bit? Hey, buddy? Yeah. Yeah. All right, like super enthusiastic and I was like, uh Yeah, he still is like that same way the same way today You know, Christina, it's different now. Now you're like, oh, okay. It's like it's endearing. It's endearing now But Tommy was such a cute little shit. It still says he says it every time Tell me which is the cutest little boy Christina. Okay And he could puke on me shit on me. I didn't care. Yep. Cuteest little boy Ah, shit. Tommy was a cute little shit. Here he is right here. Fuck with my

There's my dad So weird he sounds different. Yeah when you record it. That's back in high school What was the lamest your dad What was it his worst era of fashion or has he always worn the uniform of khaki buttoned down? Oh, yeah, no, no, my dad is a conformist He is through and through. Yeah, he likes people to Follow the rules and cut your hair Cut your hair hippie

Maybe put on a different shirt He would like he's never really critical. He's not a critical dad, but he would just look at me and be like You know where jeans can wear jeans this All right, uh College shirt That's how he wants you to look, you know I want I used to have scruff not a beer, but a scruff Oh, you're looking kind of scruffy. I didn't like that. Why don't you shave that?

But your father's fashion I'm saying didn't change with the times, right? I'm assuming he always wore like a polo shirt a button down khakis A belt he doesn't own t-shirts maybe owns like working out t-shirt, but not like I'm gonna wear a t-shirt to just go That's right. I don't think I've ever seen No, he doesn't own it even when they came to visit us in LA a while like a month ago I was like, do you want to stop by the hotel and change into something more comfortable and he goes

I am comfortable always didn't even dress loafers, you know, like those. Yeah, some ones Geez, yeah, he's only worn tennis shoes, you know, like I said to work out or if you or if like you go It's gonna be like a long walking day He might wear some then but now will he wear Shorts like khaki shorts are still long pants No, he wore khaki shorts In the if it's hot. Yeah. Yeah, but pretty much a button down if it's hot out Probably let's say a polo

You know, right? I've seen him on a cruise. Yeah. Yeah for sure Probably some neat higher socks, you know Yeah, did he ever have hair? Not and no, I mean and that no he did never have hair. I mean he had hair He had the last remnants of it when they were he was getting married. So I don't remember And how old was he when they got married like about 30? Wow Yeah

So wild he had a comb over then, you know, yeah, yeah, I've seen everybody was doing that in the 70s too. Yeah Flip that shit over. Yeah. Yeah It camouflages that you can't tell somebody I always always get mad when I was in high school and even college That he was clearly bald, you know, he had the horseshoe Yeah, but all these hairs on top and I go, why don't you just clean that? Yeah for a clean look because I think it looks better. Like if you're yeah, you just clean the top and he was like No, I don't do that. I used to always be like, dude, it'll look Tommy I like it. I was like, okay

And he'd call them his survivors You know Because it's like a hundred hairs You go just clean that up. It'll look and now I think he does it Yeah, now he does because I've seen the short chicken chicken hair on top 25 years. Wow to go along with that plan He is such a creature of habit I know it's funny because I remember when he was here And then he sat on our recliner and he had his caffeine free

Sugar-free diet coke because dads can't have fun anymore. You can't drink anything fun Nothing that tastes good none the taste good and he was just in heaven watching CNN. I know Flip side is your dad shows up In like track suits and shit, you know with like orange tinted shades. Oh, yeah And the hair is feathers feathered teeth back. He's like, oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's nice. Yeah What the fuck are linen? Oh linen suit. That's what he wore to my wedding a linen white suit Gangster shit, right? Eastern european super eastern blocky My favorite is when I was about to go down the aisle with him and I had

Wait, you know my wedding dress and here you are At the front of the church and it's going to be the one of the biggest moments of my life And I turned to him and I was like, oh my god dad. I hope I don't cry And he was like, why would you cry? Like, okay. All right, drifter dommer. Yeah, like no feelings. I cry. I was crying. We both were crying. It's emotional Yeah, I was like, this is so dumb. What am I doing? I'm never gonna have sex with anyone ever. Yeah There you go Our dogs are getting groomed. Groomer has it right now. Groomer has it

They're gonna be so cute and I love when they come back. I hate when they put all those gay bows on your dog though Yeah, I know like take this shit off of the poor dog. Leave my dog alone. Leave the dog alone Um ass hole. This lady is pretty fantastic. Don't put bows She's yelling at this guy on a train dog. Oh, okay. I love that stuff. Yeah Rubbing your dick I love the looking down. Oh, yeah And I'm a boss your ass. You want to rub your dick, bitch? You're rubbing dick when you get off the motherfucking train. Do we fucking understand each other?

Good for her. Yeah, good. This is like that creeper at your spa. Yeah, who's rubbing his dong He's rubbing his balls. Yeah, you need a woman like that to straighten his ass. Good for her. Yeah I mean one of those moves I will fuck you up on this train. You hear me? I can't hear you. Do you fucking hear me? Now the next stop you get the fuck up. You hear me? You get your ass the fuck up off this train with that freaking shit When this train stops you get the fuck off. Do you understand it? I think I get it. I can't hear you Say I understand you miss

Or right now we got all of this dancing I love it eyes down ignore what's happening. That's what I would do too. You have to throw in New York, right? Yeah Now I'm got your fucking picture on here Like I said, I don't give a fuck if this ain't your stuff. You get off this train with that freaking shit Get up Get the fuck up Get the fuck off this train. Oh, yeah He's terrified. What's your fucking crazy ass? Get the fuck off this train

Silence everyone's I love it. Get the fuck off. You need to shame those people to shit out of you You got the right one honey because I'm a crazy bitch. I love you. Please believe me. I love her Get the fuck off the train. I love her. Yeah Hard fucking core. That's my girl. Hard fucking core. Yeah, that's what's up She needs to be on every fucking train every public place where guys are jerking it It would be a good job for someone to have that's a great job Yeah, that's a that's true. Just to call out perverts like that. Oh, I love it. Yep

Get the fuck off. There you go. I beat the shit out of you. Hell yeah, dude That's one. Yeah, you don't see that a lot, but that's great. I beat the shit out of you. Good girl. Good girl. All right, jeans. Anything else you got? I'm gonna go pick up the dogs all right, um, we have a, uh Closing songs called succulent shinies meal by david balasco Carl's jr. By our son Carl's jr All right, thanks for listening your mom's house podcast.com uh tomcigura.com thousand ranch.com of course

patreon.com Patreon.com so I put that shit down slash mom Enjoy your week. Thank you for listening. We love you. Bye. Mommy's. Bye. Thank you. Be the jeans Mean Me Have succulent shinies meal of succulent shinies meal a succulent Chinese meal Me A succulent Chinese meal of succulent Chinese meal a succulent leaning meal

A succulent Chinese Me This is democracy manabas This is democracy manabas This is democracy manabas Are you waiting to receive my laptop? I see that you know your judo well are you waiting to receive my laptop? I see that you know your judo well

Are you waiting to receive my laptop? A succulent Chinese meal A succulent Chinese meal A succulent Chinese meal A succulent Chinese meal A succulent Chinese meal A succulent Chinese meal Tata farewell

Jean