Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 361-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: September 14, 2016

This week the mommies learn how to "rip some skin," judge a mommy's denim, play Horrific or Hilarious, watch a recovered Top Dog call from a lost episode, and much much more!

What's up, Jeans? It's about dates and stuff? Are we doing that? Or just ads? I guess we can do some dates. Do some dates, sure. Okay. Why not, right?

Sure. We'll do the dates, and then we'll do the ads. Okay. There's no rules. There's rules, rules. Guys, come see me do stand-up. I'm doing Seattle, September 27th at the Takamanya Comedy Club in Takamanya, Seattle. Washington.

September 28th, Shartland, Oregon at Helium Comedy Club. And then October 4th, Hyena's Comedy Club. October 5th, Houston, Tejas, Pustin, Texas at... It's a secret group. Secrets. We're going to keep this comedy club a secret. October 23rd, Indian Appletits. You got it.

Indiana at Morty's Comedy Club. And then October 24th, Cincinnati, Ohio. The famous Cincinnati Fart Happen There at Go Bananas Comedy Club. December 9th and 10th, DC in Broad, Washington, DC. Check out That's Deep Row. And that's it. Tickets at ThousandRanch.com. Thank you.

That's what's up. I love jeans. This weekend, I'm in Des Moines, Iowa. It's a funny bone. That's Des Moines, Iowa. Only four shows come see me. I'll be there Friday and Saturday. Next week, I go back to the Oddball Tour.

Many of you came out these this past week. Thank you so much. They will be in Texas next week. So if you're in Woodlands, Dallas, or Austin, we'll be there. The following week, we got Mountain View, Irvine, and Fartnix. And then Oddball's over. I am going to do one night, one show only at the Ontario Improv. Here in Ontario, California.

That's October 6th. I'm very excited to be back there. I've been there in a while. Charlotte, North Carolina is after that. Then Manfran Disco and Jewdork Titties. Carolines and Cobbs, comedy clubs. And then I added Raleigh, North Carolina in November, as well as Louisville.

Philharup Delphia has a third show added in November. And then I rounded out with West Palm, West Sweaty Balls Beach, Florida at the Improv. And I do New Year's in Mom Landow. So if you're in any of those cities. West Harry Palm. Yeah, that's good. I'm coming to see you.

Coming to see you. So that's that. And go to TomSigura.com. Click on the shows page. Sigura. Yeah. Sigura. That's how my dad says it.

I am. It's not Sigura. Sigura. And he's adamant that it's Sigura. It's not Sigura. It's such a ridiculous thing to do. All right. Okay.

Okay. Multiple choice, buddy. All right, Jeans. Are you ready to start the show? Mm-hmm. All right. Here you go. Here you go, buddy.

Schnitzel. Come here. No. Cut down. Okay. There's no sound. That's good. Hey, what are you eating?

Hey, come here, Schnitz. This is not how we like to open the show. Oh, it's a funny clown. They don't be talking the dog. Yeah, I know. She's chewing something. Oh, shit. I'm sorry.

It's hard for what? Our daddy taught us not to be ashamed of our dicks, especially since they're such a good size and all. Yeah, I see that. Daddy gave you good advice. It gets bigger when I pull on it. Mm-hmm. Sometimes I pull on it so hard,

I rip the skin. Well, my daddy taught me a few things, too, like how not to rip the skin by using someone else's mouth instead of your own hands. Mm-hmm. Will you show me? I'd be right happy to. This shit is big time!

Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. No mom in the fucking stand! Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Don Segura. Talk to him soon. Christina Pazitzitz.

Christina Pazitzitz. Welcome to your mom's house. Thank you. Episode 361, take two. Here we go. Yeah. People don't know. They don't know the secrets.

Are we going to tell them behind the scenes? You can, yeah. You tell. We did basically a little change now because obviously you don't duplicate everything. You can't. There's no such thing. Yeah, but...

but we did an episode that became unusable. There was digital distortion throughout it. It sucks so bad. Mm-hmm. It's such a waste and it was a good one too. Yeah.

It was a good one. But we're gonna, you know what? Hey. That's the brakes. I forgot there's somebody else in the house. Our nanny is next door putting her baby down. I definitely heard that. You know I bought our kid

two fart books where it makes the fart sounds and the stories is about farting. Yeah. I don't think she reads it to him. Does she know that that's what it is and everything? Babe, she's Guatemalan. She's not from outer space. I know, but I mean...

They have farts in Guatemala. Did you guys talk about it at all? No. But I noticed that she never, like that book's never on the top of all the other, it's always on the bottom. So she definitely is not like, ain't these these how they big bad farts?

Do you think she would like... Yeah. Our dad had taught us not to be ashamed of our dicks. I think she would like that. Our dicks. Wouldn't it be funny if his daddy really did teach him those valuable life lessons? This acting is great.

Here's my favorite moment. I know. This is all... This is incestuous and gay because it's like my dad and he's like, well my dad told me how to suck dicks. Right. That's how it ends.

Yeah. Well, I know how your dad, but my dad told me to put him in my mouth. There's a lot going on. Actually, he's kind of cute. He's not bad. The other one's creepy. Yeah, but this guy here,

this is my favorite moment. He goes, Yeah, I see that. Daddy gave you good advice. It gets bigger when I pull on it. Hmm. There. Hmm.

Hmm. Hmm. Yeah. And there's a lot of really slow edits. That's... Dude, let it play. You know what I think happened? They only had one camera.

And what they did is like, you say your line, cut. You say your line. That doesn't necessarily mean... I think in the edit, he was just like, line is over,

take a beat, cut. Line is over. Right. Yeah. This is the same editor, the Steven Seagal movies. Sometimes.

Yeah. It looks like with the same camera and production value and everything. Yeah. Steven Seagal is just doing pornos with no sex. Sometimes. Sometimes.

I pull on it so hard. Hmm. I rip the skin. Have you ever done that before? Huh. No. I've never pulled on it so hard that I ripped the skin.

I definitely jerked off too much. Yeah. Like as a teenager and irritated. Does it bleed though? It gets... You can... If you're really rubbing them out a lot,

you can get red in an area. Oh. But he's saying he pulls it so hard that it bleeds. Yeah. He's tearing it. He's just scalping his own dick,

I think. Some... His dick. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. His daddy should have shown him how to masturbate. Tells... Dad. He wanted his dad to tell him how to do it. He said to pull it hard. Well, thank God the other guy's dad

told him just to blow dicks. Jesus. This is really good dad advice. Yeah. Jesus. Who's their dad's? I feel like this kid too, he really came out here to be an actor,

you know? He did, because he's got the first headshot look. Yeah. That's too bad. He's really going for it, you know? And he did like real acting. Yes.

He looks... See? Yeah. I'm not ashamed. I'm ashamed. He's like... I ripped the skin. Wow.

Well, my daddy told me a few things too, like how not to rip the skin by using someone else's mouth. Jesus. Steady your own hands. Will you show me? Yeah. That's a good acting face.

That is a good acting face, yeah. Yeah. I don't want to disappoint you. We haven't even addressed the... It's a meme. When you spend some quality time with your brother. Jesus. I don't know.

Yeah. It's a lot. Yeah. I don't know, man, but look at that. Yeah, that's a headshot right there. And then the phone call happened, like how's it going out there in LA?

It's going good. It's going good. I shot something today. Yeah. Oh, what was it? So many people we know did... Not so many, but we know a couple people that did soft core porn.

Yeah. And they, you know, they tell themselves a lie of this is just acting. Yeah. It's sex acting. It's a lie. That's nuts. I even worked with one.

So did I. Yeah. On a pilot I did. She's like, it's not porn because the actors, they wear a sock. Yeah. And I wear a pussy cover or something.

Yeah. I'm like, You know, I auditioned for one of those too. I did. I did. And I auditioned for a non-sex role. It was like FBI agent. And this was when I was,

you know, I was pretty cute. I was 23. And the guy goes, are you sure you don't want to do one of the sex roles? And I was like, yeah, and he held up a picture of a naked girl. He'd be like,

it'd be with her. And I go, no, because I knew I go, there's no, there's no way I want, I go, I want to just,

I'll take, I'll take a role in a ridiculous thing at the time. Yeah. But it would have to be clothed. Wouldn't it be great if there, there was a soft core porn floating around

starring Tom Segura now. Yeah. And people are like, is that the fucking Netflix guy? Yeah. And I would be shaved. Like 80 pounds lighter.

And having fake sex. Like, it's so horrible. And they, they do that. That was the doggy style where the guy goes and he grabs the tits and he's like, yeah.

Yeah. And there, it's always too fast. Yeah. Like, and also anatomically, you can tell that it's not happening. It doesn't match.

Yeah. It doesn't match. It wouldn't go like that. No. How much for, how much to do a soft core porn now? Now? Yeah.

Oh, come on. Who enjoys that? Remember, we've had this discussion on the show like years ago. How much would you take it? How much would you do it for? For soft, see,

here's the irony. It's more for soft core than for hardcore. Really? Because at least in hardcore, it's like, you're really doing it and it's on the internet, but soft core is on cable.

Wait, your logic there is, so your, your reasoning was, well, you know, it's on the internet and you're doing it.

Okay. That's the reason. Well, soft core, no, I changed my mind. I guess I have to do soft core because it's on cable

and no one watches cable anymore. Well, if you have a hard, do it, you know, stand them up. But it's more embarrassing to do soft core because you have to pretend

like stuff feels good. I don't know if you've seen any hard cores lately. So let's hear your prices for both. Since you're just saying that. I haven't thought about this. I haven't thought this through. Hard core,

you would choose, you would do for less. I don't know. I haven't thought this argument through. God damn it with this. What's wrong, jeans? God,

I just hate this fucking thing every time. Okay. So, can I, can I read some, since we're on the sex topic, some fucking disgusting emails that we received.

Hold on, I just have to find them. It'll just take one second, but it's so funny. What's wrong, jeans? Nothing's wrong. Are you looking for something?

Yeah, I'm always looking for something. Looking for love? I don't know where anything is. I'll play this. Okay. So check if tanks are rolling down the road to La Croix. Yes,

with La Croix. La Croix. Not crying, not reading La Croix. La Croix. See, I knew it. I knew it. It's always been La Croix.

It's always been La Croix. So check if tanks are rolling down the road to La Croix. Yes, with La Croix. La Croix. La Croix. Not crying, not reading La Croix.

La Croix. Yeah, I feel the same as French. So stupid. Okay, remember we talked about dudes sharing flashlights and sex toys

about how disgusting that is. Yes. Okay, so we got some emails about it. Are you ready? Well, we talked about does anyone conceivably do that?

Yeah. Yes, the answer is yes. Yeah. Well, because dudes, dudes are disgusting and I don't know why they're so disgusting,

but they are. Yeah. So this is from some dude, he writes, my friend had a flashlight. He gave it to me. I had my fun with it.

That thing is the devil. They would call my name from where it was hidden. My friend, it's had three owners now. Oh my God. Yeah, that's how I feel.

Do you want to hear another one? Yeah. Speaking of high and tight, I am an army veteran and I can tell you the use slash sharing of sex toys is rampant on deployment.

Ooh. I personally was an infantry man and was on the base with no women for an entire year. But that was a pretty common situation for combat arms personnel. Guys get to the point

where they are tugging off to scraps from old playboy mags and poor to shitters at 120 degree heat. So the advent of flesh lights was heaven sent. Wow. Most vets are savages

and I know several dudes in my unit who shared pocket pussies. Ooh. You can only imagine the crime scene of bodily fluids and ball taint sweat

that covered these things. No running water means spotty cleanup at best. When I was in Iraq, there was a rumor about a platoon of guys who all got the same STD. People thought they were

banging Iraqi hookers on patrol but it turns out that they were all just sharing the same pocket pussy. Oh my God, you guys are so disgusting. That is so, so, so foul. So foul, man.

Shit. Why can I ask you this and I mean this as a sincere question? Yeah. But what is it about the male species that you guys lack hygiene

or that you're you're just indifferent to hygiene? You're not talking about the sharing of this now or is that specific to that? Yes. And in that part,

I actually, as gross as it is, I understand there's just a point when your balls are like, it's like poisoning men. You have to get that out. You do.

You just got to, you got to bust that now. It's like your, your balls have like, like fucking warriors in there and they're just pounding on that and they just, you get courses through your veins.

So it makes you, you're, you start, you start having less, you know, manners. Yeah. Yeah, you do.

I noticed that with you, like if we haven't done it in a few days, you get angry. Like you start raging out like the Hulk and then I drain your green ball juice

and then you stop hulking out each other. So you hulk out, but imagine if you're David Banner or whatever, if you're on a military base. Oh, I can't imagine. Yeah.

And so, and then if you have, there's no women around, you haven't like, because the thing is men are, like take care of themselves. Most heterosexual males do always with the end goal being,

this is for sex. Right. Even on a subconscious level. Right, right. That comes from like working out. I mean, that goes for that, for cleaning up for, you know,

for smelling good, for smelling good, for showering, to grooming yourself. All that is with the end result being sexually viable. Sure. Getting a mate.

Yeah. Now is the lack of hygiene because also men tend to be sloppier about that stuff than girls. Right. Is that like you guys only do it when there's

women around? Pretty much. I mean, for most, not all, there's some dudes that are, and but I would say the average male, that,

that switch goes off is no potential sexual mate around. And so there's no sense of like, I want to maintain my own body's cleanliness. Well, usually.

Because I shower on days even when there's no one around. I mean, like, there's things like, really, brush my teeth. I mean, like, washing your,

your asshole and stuff. Yes. You know, like you don't want a shitty ass. You want to brush your teeth, things like that. But like the,

you start talking about, clean, clean shirts. Wow. They'll start to go down. The highfalutin stuff, huh? Yeah. You start to be like,

whatever. There's, but I mean, if there's a woman around, then you kind of, What would Earth be like with no women and all dudes? Yeah.

Just, it would just, the rivers would, would be pink. It would be blood, just mixed together from all the violence

and ejaculation. You guys would be situationally homosexual. Yeah. It would be pretty. You guys would be raping each other on the streets. Killing,

raping, killing. Yeah. Not that different than what it is now, I guess, but. Right. But women are really the, I think women do.

The levelers. Yes. Women are the society. Women keep guys behaving. Absolutely. With some sense of

civility. Absolutely. Yeah. I think so. Because as this man just told me, he's on base for one year with no women.

It turned, I was telling someone this week too, that like, when before we had, chapito, we were both road dogs. Yeah.

When a week where, didn't happen that often, but there were some weeks where you were on the road and I was home, I would devolve into just, nothing like, it wasn't about the

sexual nature of it. It was just like. Right. Right. Yeah. Like, your devolution. Yeah.

It would be like, you'd be like, what's the 30 in the morning? Why? I was like, I don't know. I know. It's watching TV.

Aw. It's just being weird. I don't know. Men and women need each other. It's a balancing act. And then you'd be like, what, Jeff, for dinner? I go, I didn't have dinner.

Why? I don't know. I couldn't find anything here. I know I have, well, my cousin says her husband won't eat unless she feeds

him. Like, he'll just starve. But did you anything? No. I mean, he'll just go to In-N-Out. Yeah.

When you were gone, I would either, if there wasn't something in the fridge, I would either, you know, I would look around and be like, well, there's nothing here.

I either have to find a delivery. I guess I'll starve to death. Yeah, just won't eat. Yep. That is, can we teach our son to not be like that?

Or is that just genetic? Yeah. I think that's just weird. So, our adorable, sweet,

angelic, smelly, nut-sweaty, gross dude. Yeah. And I'll go to his apartment and I'll be like, it smells like banana peels

and cum, which is what most single guy's apartment smells like, banana peels and cum. Yeah. I remember a few times when I was single in my early 20s,

where my mother, both of my sisters and even cousins visited me and voluntarily cleaned the apartment. I can't even imagine. They walked in, they walked in,

they walked in, they walked in, they walked in, they walked in, they walked in, they walked in, they walked in, they walked in,

they walked in, they walked in, they walked in, they walked in, they walked in, they walked in, they walked in, they walked in,

they walked in, I can't even imagine. They walked in and they were like, um, do you live, like, when's the last time

you cleaned this place? And I was like, I don't know. So, you kind of held it together because you and I started dating when you were 23,

right? 25. So you, you really held together your act. Yeah. So living with me now with all the good smells

and clean towels and clean sheets, is this just like luxury-free? Like, do you feel like, what does this feel like to live with a woman?

It must be really nice. I like it. Yeah. I think a lot of guys end up liking it. Of course you like it. It's what humans do. What's the buzz?

What's the buzz? The other buzz. I don't hear anything. I just heard a buzz. It's gone now. Is your phone right nearby? Yeah, I got to turn off airplane mode.

It's on airplane mode. All right. But this must be what it feels like when a dog is made to sleep outdoors. Yeah. And then he gets to sleep inside for once.

Like FIFO. Yeah. But think about it. Yeah. Do you think FIFO likes it here? Loves it. This is, this is a palace for him.

I'm the same way. So I like it. I like it, but it's just not my nature. Yeah. You want to stay here. Of course you want to stay here. Yeah.

There's food. It smells nice. Everything's clean for you. Yeah. That's the thing is like everyone thinks that like, you know, nice smells are for ladies. It's just that ladies present nice

smells. They introduce them to guys, but guys still like it. Yeah. It smells good. Smelling good isn't like restricted to one species, you know.

No, of course. No. You're going to like the way it smells. I guarantee it. And then what do we need you for? Come. Come.

Protection. Yeah. Yeah. Because beef can bark, but thinking is not the thoughts. Hey, you know, that's rude. That's true.

I'm broad. Yeah. Somebody's got to hose things down. I love it. Help them think. I love those jokes. Oh my God. A little bar joke.

Yeah. Yeah. Someone's got to take out trash. That made it to the reddit front page. Oh, it did. You didn't see that? Oh, I did.

Yes. Sorry. I forgot. I forget everything. Top dog blonde jokes. Oh, by the way, I want to address something about that. Okay.

I saw a bunch of comments of people were like, oh, Tom just brushed over some like really sweet compliment. His dad gave him. He was like, my dad said something like, you know, all I have to do to like feel good is

just think about you and your childhood. And I was like, yeah. Yeah, you do. Yeah. But the reason I wanted to tell people they don't realize something.

My dad tells me that or versions of that almost every day. Yeah. So it's not that I'm like, well, it's a thing that I go, I dismiss what you're saying. He tells me this constantly. So it's not like every time he

brings it up, I'm going to have the emotional connection to the conversation. Yeah. You know, well, there's a few things he'll bring up constantly. Constantly. Like, and he does it to me now

to like, you know, Christina, tell me that you cute little shit. Okay. He was such a cute little boy. You know, he could one time he was sick and he can puke on me again.

It's always the same. It's the same. He repeats. He's also like confusing stories now. Like he used to tell me this story about how when I was a kid, I would come into his room.

Like one time I came in the bedroom. I was like three years old and I had it like a nightmare. I jumped in bed and I go like, you make me feel safe. And like he was like glowing about that.

So he told me that story. Was he naked? Yeah. And then, you know, he was like, you know, some boys, they pull their dicks real hard. Until they bleed. And then, but here's, look at

my mouth. Yeah. It was a nice moment. But then he told me that story like a hundred times. Yeah. And the other day he goes, you know, one time we were a theme

park, like a Disney, we were Disney World. And we were walking around and you got lost and then I just lost you for a second. And then I saw you and you ran back to me and you're like, you know, you make me feel

safe. And I go, I thought that happened when I came in your room and I had a nightmare. He was, I, yeah. Yeah. I was just something like that. Like he just decided it was a

theme park now. He dressed up the memory. He dressed up the memory. It's kind of boring before. Yeah. He was like a nightmare and that was Disney World. I like the Disney World one

better myself. I'm going to start, I'm going to tell him to start doing the Disney World version. Yeah. I don't like that one too. Yeah. Yeah.

They always shower you with affection and love and stuff. Yeah. So it's, it's wonderful. But, but that's why people, when people are like, you just dismissed that dude. Yeah.

My dad told me that shit a thousand times. Can you imagine if every time he brought something like that up, I would go like, oh, dad, that's like, we'd be doing that all day. Then it would last for hours

and the feelings of it. Yeah. I don't even know what I would do if my, my parents were ever sweet to me like that. Like if my dad did that to me, my head might explode. Like I, I think I would get

embarrassed inside because the feelings. Oh, right. I don't like it. Yeah. You know what he told me yesterday when he came by that we should start hitting Alice

pretty soon. He's eight months old. Yeah. But he's like, you know, eventually this boy is going to be like, you know, two, three, and then he's going to, you know, fuck around doing bad things.

And you guys, sometimes you got to hit him. I was like, no, we don't even hit our dogs. Why would we hit again? Yeah. I haven't hit anybody yet. Not yet.

Huh. So we'll see how that turns out. But good looking out, bro. Good looking out. Thanks for the parenting advice. Hmm. Yeah. I tell them to write a book.

Have you ever thought of that? I have actually, I've suggested writing a book on getting laid because like that's definitely one thing he's really good at. Yeah. No. He's good at that.

Yeah. I think just a life advice book from him would be awesome. Old school parenting. We should get him in here. You know, maybe when we get like the new studio. Yeah.

And go, you know, just like line up a bunch of things like, how do you raise a good kid? I think that's actually a really great idea. Yeah. Because his answers are really amazing.

Yeah. And I, and now, because I'm an adult, I'm 40 and I have a child and I hear him talking. It's like an out of body experience for me. Yeah.

Like, how the fuck are raised me? Yeah. Like this fucking feral dog, lunatic. Yeah. It's pretty crazy, right? It is.

We're like, wow, these are just people who raise me. They are. It's just random people. Just random people. Like this guy just came in this lady and then, here I am.

It's pretty amazing. Here I am. Yeah. Here you are. He'd have such great advice for us on everything. Everything. Dad, what makes a good marriage?

Oh my God. Wow. I like this. The best kind is no kind, actually. I like the best kind is no kind. Yeah. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Oh my God. It's a good joke, but he also would have, you know, sincere advice, I think, which would be good. Yeah.

Like what? Well, my favorite thing, actually, when it came to dating was, remember when he was dating a girl and his girlfriend was dating a girl

and his girlfriend was dating a girl and his girlfriend was dating a girl and his big thing was, she doesn't like serve me after. Yeah. That was rad.

He dated an American. Working woman. Working woman. He goes, you know, I don't know these American women. They don't know how to take care of a man. Okay.

I am European man. I want you to, you know, bring me something, bring me beer, bring me like a plate of salami or something, something,

bring me a sandwich, something. What do you need? Ask me. Yeah. What do you need? Can I do something for you? Nothing.

She's working. I'm coming home. I have to cook. You know, it's really crazy, right? Yeah. That's pretty fucking. Yeah.

It's done broad. Yeah. Yeah. So old school, right? Yeah. Yeah. But to his, to his defense,

like that's what he knows. Yeah. So he just would find like, like a European or Asian lady who's willing to do that stuff. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. He needs that.

He needs someone to take care of him, dude. Because he's a, he's a total bachelor. Like my dad just devolves into, you know, drinking fresh gun, eating ham with horse radish. And that's it.

Yeah. Like, what are you doing, bro? He's an animal. He's a, he's an animal. Yeah. You know, a few weeks ago,

we have more emails to go to, but I want to show you this. Yeah. Not a few weeks ago, probably a few months back, we played this commercial. It was a Kansas city. The cargo.

Yeah. And they have, they released a new commercial. Nice. Man, I got to say, I don't mean to be distracting here, but you've got one long stray beard hair. It's probably because our son just

was ripping through. Yeah. And it's going against the grain. It's like poking up towards your lip. It's like two inches long. Do you have the, the little comb there? Yeah.

Where's that comb? Oh, here it is. There you go. Yeah. Comb out your shit, bro. There you go. There you go. Does that feel so good?

Sometimes. To comb that dirty ass beard out. It's caring. It had a different one for me here. Just for the beard? Yeah. It was thinner. It was tighter.

Cause that's for your head hair, huh? Yeah. Oh, here it is. Here it is. Yeah. This one. That's just for you. Oh, look at that dude.

Oh, it looks nice. Yeah. There you go. You're going to get that shit tightened up tomorrow. Tomorrow. Yeah. Good for you. Okay.

So here's some of the new cash. Black salon. All right. Now, some of y'all may not understand what as is or as the fuck is means. When we say we sell motors and transmissions, when we tell you to take it on the test drive, I'm just going to explain this shit to you

because some of y'all don't understand the words that come out of our mouth or the words that you read. This dude is the best. I love that he just straight up doesn't give a fuck and doesn't try to make this a commercial that would, you know. Sell stuff?

Yeah. It's supposed to, yeah. Yeah. He just doesn't care, man. No. When we say if the motor ain't blown up, the train ain't slipping, don't bring that bitch back tripping.

If your car is hesitating, spitting and sputtering, does not give you warranty to bring it back. It still runs. It's not ticking. It ain't blown up. So right away, he's just like, don't fucking, don't waste our time here with your, don't waste our time with what I know I'm selling you

is bullshit, right? Right. Your problems make my dicks off. That's the name of this. If your transmission shifts a little hard or shifts a little slow, it's still shifting. It's not slipping. Don't bring that bitch back.

Put some gas in the motherfucking, take your test drive to your job. Drive the bitch to your parking spot, smoke your joint, smoke your blunt, smoke your cigarette, drink your coffee, play with the windows, figure out what the fuck you're going to do with this car. What?

What? Yeah. Come on, dude. God damn this motherfucker. It is a, he does make a lot of sense. I mean, if you're buying a used car. We aim to please, but when you come with that little bitty ass cash,

we go give you what you pay for. You come with a thousand dollars, trust and believe you're going to have a thousand dollar car. Something is not going to work right. Trust and believe it. Trust and believe it. It's so true that he's basically like, we're your last resort.

You know? Yeah. It's either this or a box with wheels, like what you'd play with as a kid, remember? If you want to warranty this bitch, we'll get to your house. The fuck away from here because like I said, the motor ain't blown up.

The train ain't slipping. You cannot come back tripping. Fuck your radio. Fuck your windows. Fuck your seat. Fuck your heat. Fuck your air. If it don't work because you should have tried that shit out.

Fuck your fucking body. Yeah. Spend three thousand on up. If you don't like it, go make a car payment. Because when you come to us, we are your last motherfucker resort. We got turned down by everybody else. We ain't retarded around this motherfucker.

We are not retarded green cats. We are not retarded. You can't borrow money from your momma? Hell, I don't trust you neither. We ain't retarded around this motherfucker. I might be the best thing on the internet. It's the best thing ever, man. Fuck your credit card.

We ain't swiping shit. Why don't understand people come all the way to the lot, drive a car, loan you out to buy a car, and say, do you motherfuckers have an ATM? Hell, nah. It ain't no power around this bitch.

There's no power there? That's the place of business. So, if you spend 35 and the shit blow up, we just go put you in another car. You're not getting your money back. Nice. That's amazing. It's amazing.

An honest car salesman. Yeah. They're very rare. It is rare. And it had to be from like a shitty, you know. Of course. Yeah. Can you grab my iPhone?

I dropped it on you. Don't bring it to me. It's back. Yeah. How'd you do that? I just, it was in my lab, and I think it hit one of the dogs, bounced off of them,

and came to you. Oh, man. That's so fucking funny. That's so great. Hey, can I read you an email about coconut swishing? Yeah. Which I, listen, listen, you better get your life if you're doing that,

horseshit. Okay. As a nurse, one of my favorite things in the world is to cruise YouTube and look for these losers that swish things in their mouth and spout off about toxins. Coconut oil does not pull toxins or pus from your body.

If you do have pus, especially in your mouth, I would suggest an ER, not some dumb shit, gargling of expensive oils. Maybe this gal in the urine gal could get together and exchange all kinds of body fluids and groceries with their mouths,

then at least some freak could get off on it. All right. There you go. So there are a nurse is telling you that it's a... Of course. Bullshit. You know, I was thinking about that swishing in the urine therapy,

lady. Oh, yeah. She was real crazy with like, oh, you know, it's really crazy, pharmaceutical, like that whole shit, that's her angle.

The conspiracy of medicine, of Western medicine. I love when people, yeah, get all conspiratorial. Sometimes they let their family, their children die. Yeah. You know,

they'll be like, well, you know, we've been giving them boiled grapes. I know that works. And they're like, well, no, he's got a pretty serious infection.

All the toxins, you got to get those toxins. You know what gets out toxins? Taking a good shit. That's what'll get rid of toxins. That's all that is. There you go. Taking a dump.

Um, a very important email came in, wanted to read this to you, says, hey Hitler, uh, me and my pet Raven, we're watching the podcast recently.

All right. When it came to our attention. Don't get Ravens. Came to our attention, there seems to be a major disparity in the postures between the mommies. Tom, who could,

who could be referred to as the posture champion, is always upright, in a poised position. Fuck off. Probably due to having sufficient hydration. Whatever. On the other hand, Christina,

who was possibly suffering from considerable dehydration, compounded by her low and loose flapjacks, cannot muster the strength required to keep herself upright. The thing that is really funny, is that she slumps and slouches down, resembling a hooker with a snap neck. Jesus.

Oh my God. I know you are very busy with the growing bird as fat movement on earth. Is that right? Is that right? But I'm wondering if you could please address the important phenomenon. If main mommies keep at 100

with their genes high and tight, regular flossing and wiping in a downward direction, then why can't Christina get that posture under control? Bad posture can be caused by a bad diet consisting of one of the following. Hot dogs, Gatorade, Shaky cheese.

Yeah. Your, what's it called? Peanut butter. Yeah. Skippy. Yeah. Urine.

If Pajinsky is consuming any of these items, please tell her to stop immediately and take Tom's lead. All right. I got it. Why is your water, Tom? I just drank most of that bottle. So.

When? You missed it? You lied. You didn't see like half of it go down? When did you drink this? When you were looking at something? Oh, bullshit. It's been here the whole time.

I put it back. All right. Anyways, what is that with your posture? What do you think? I mean, people seem to be a real big fan of mine. What do you think is going on with yours?

I have bad posture because I got huge quadruple D tits and I have since I was a fucking fifth grader. You know what? I do want to get my tits worked on. You do? I do. I'm serious.

I want them reduced. I want like a nice C. Yeah. I'm serious. Okay. I'm hunched over in my whole life because of these hangers. They look nice.

Well, because I can't, you know, they look real nice. Shut up. I don't like to sit upright. I like to slouch. Slouching feels good.

Plus, my chair is like a cocoon. We'll get new chairs. Oh, no, I like. Oh, you like this chair?

Yeah. Okay. I'm more of a reclining person. What is this? You sent me the poop lady. Holy. I didn't send it to you. Every one of our listeners sent this to us

this last week. Really? Man, we must have got this video 20, 40 times. This last week? Yeah. I don't know.

Maybe it just aired or something, but we've been sent this so many times. We'll see what's up. God damn it. It's really upsetting. I am really proud of my posture though. When you told me that this email came in initially, I was walking in New York and I was walking by,

you know, some building with reflective glass. I took a, just a little peek over at myself and I was like, Oh man, my posture is fucking hot point. Oh, really?

Like my walking posture is really good. I'm really upright. Yeah. I have terrible posture. Yeah. I do my whole life. Yeah. But I like to lay down a lot.

You know what I mean? I, I feel like I could live out of bed like Winston Churchill. You could. Yeah. He done yawning during the big show. Yeah. Sorry.

I got up at fucking four today. My mother used to put poop in a jug. Oh. Actually, by the time you put it in there, it's actually a dirty water jug is what that is. So, that's what all those dirty water jugs are about.

I want to say that the reason that Shana didn't get rid of all those bottles is because she's lazy. I hope it's not sentimental to her. This house has a septic issue. Uh huh. It's supposed to be drained once every four years. Uh huh. And there's still some space in the toilet.

Oh. But I don't want it to overflow. Right. So, I've been using a bucket. Are you ready, Tom? When the bucket is full of pee and poop, it's really hard to lift it.

Yeah. So, I just put it in a smaller bucket. And I take it outside and empty it. Where? My neighbors could view it as being odd that I dumped the bucket out in the front yard. This is the one that does this?

No neighbors have said anything to me about it either. They should. They should. She dumps the bucket out. She lives in this. Yeah. That's our house. This is here.

This small blue bucket my mother used before she died. Is that poop all over the bucket? Yeah, it's poop. So, do you wash your hands? Like, you're going to go eat soup in a minute. Are you going to wash your hands for that? Or are you just going to worry about it? No, actually, I know.

Okay, now this is not the worst hoard you've ever cleared out. She's eating two feet from all the poop in your head. Do you think I meet the definition of a hoarder? It's a poop, man. You've got a ton of poop in this house. What is the main cause of the smell? Musty odor. Having to do with mold and dust.

Yeah. No? Is that brain information to you? To think that the feces in your in has something to do with the smell? I guess so, because I thought it was due to the mold and dust. You have to tell me this, because I... You don't know. Some people would argue, how do you not know that the feces in the house is bad?

Yeah. But wait, I don't smell it anymore. It's an extremely dangerous house. The feces, the mold, and quality tampons just laying on the floor. It's going to be hard, but I'm going to give up some. Oh, my God. That's... That's...

Man, I wonder if I can get him on the phone right now. Oh, that guy. That guy. Yeah. That's him. That's him. Yeah. Oh, man.

Oh, my God. God damn it. She's like... It's the mold. The mold smells. That's the best part. She thinks it's mold, babe. We're going to pause right now, so you can look up.

I think we should. I think we should for one second. Oh. We'll see. I'm so... It's not your number, though. You may not text him. I know.

Hello. Thanks for calling Clare. Bigger name. Damn. He didn't answer. That's all right. That dude's Matt Paxton. Can you text him?

Well, then I got to coordinate. I mean, we should have done this. I didn't know he was going to be on this clip, you know. Maybe he's not some other time. That's really disgusting, man. Yeah. That's pretty crazy, right? I like how she's like...

It's the mold smells. Mold? I like that he said... Some people would argue that... Not everyone, though. Not everybody would argue. Some would argue. Maybe all the feces and urine in here.

She's like... I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know about urine in here. She's like... I don't know. Oh. It's really crazy the level. I think with all... I haven't watched one of these hoarder shows in a long time.

Yeah. The levels of denial. Yeah. It's really remarkable. Yeah. And it's usually brought on by the trauma of some event. I'm guessing it's the death of her mother. Because she has a bucket of shit that she kept as a mémento.

She's like, it's with my mom's. My mom used to shit in this. And then I shit in it now. And I clean it out with a smaller bucket. And her hands are right next to this shit. And you're going to wash your hands before you have soup? No. Before?

Why would I? Huh? And living just on piles of trash. It makes my asshole pucker. Yeah. I mean, don't you want human love? Like, what did the need for companionship drive you to clean up? It's really crazy.

Yeah. It's crazy. God, it's upsetting. It's very upsetting. I don't like her at all. I hate that we watch that. Yeah. Fuck.

I'm all fucked up. And then you're all fucked up. You want to read this email about denim? I think you should, because I want you to bring the picture up on the screen. So we can assess the situation together. Okay. Here we go. Let's see.

So it begins. Main mommy Tina and water emperor Tom. Exactly. I was accused of wearing dad denim. So I bought a new, less dad-tastic pair. Dad-tastic pair. Now the verbal abuse and ridicule continues. They were a little long, so I rolled them up.

Two questions. Is this acceptable for public denim, or is this a denim violation? Two, these are probably the most comfortable jeans I have ever purchased. They are both high and tight, but they are thin denim. What are your thoughts in thick versus thin denim? Thanks, mommy. I look forward to your wisdom. I didn't know there was thin versus thick.

Definitely, definitely. What's thin? Particularly with men's jeans. Can I start the topic? Here we go. Yeah. This is always unacceptable. Completely unacceptable.

You are not Richie Cunningham from Happy Days. This is unacceptable. Totally unacceptable. I've said this many times on this show that the greatest thing you can do when you get some new denim is get that tailored, just like you would a suit. Here's the thing. You don't have to have them tailor it like you would a suit. You just get it slightly modestly.

Go to the dry cleaner. It costs $10. Yeah. Especially what's it called? The inseam, right? The length. You tell them, look, I want it to drop over the shoes a little. I want it to just be over the ground, but this shit doesn't play.

No. Super lame. I compliment you on your color of denim. This is an appropriate wash. It's a good color. Yeah. This is a totally good wash. The fit is really dumpy.

It's obviously too big for you. No, I don't know about that. I don't like it. It's too, it's too, I mean, we don't want to make him look European, but. No, but look, the thin, I know he's talking about thin, I think thin denim, definitely acceptable. And I think it's actually a lot of times much more comfortable. It feels better.

Yeah. It doesn't feel as heavy on you, you know, as thick denim. I don't, I like thick denim. I think it looks better. Well, but if it hangs better, but this, I don't know. I'm a fan of the, of the quality, I believe that you purchased of the wash. Yeah. But this, like, I would think if you were going to kindergarten, right, a cute little

look for you. Five years old. Yeah. You show it pants. Yeah. I got my short pants on. Yeah. Mommy.

Mommy. Kind of have some more pullage. If I wrote up my short pants, yeah, it's unacceptable to roll up your denim. A woman can, but after a certain age, you just look like a mom. Yeah. Like if you're over 30 and you roll up your denim, you just look like a frumpy mom unless you're super skinny and then you can do anything you want. Maybe you should keep like rolling these up to the knees.

Like if you keep rolling them and then you get cowboy boots and then you have your, your jeans rolled up to your knees and you got your nice cowboy boots on. I like it. And then you go, uh, daddy's going to the park today. I like it. You go and you ride that you play on the swing. Yeah. Can I tell you, I can tell right now, I mean, from a YMH perspective, these jeans are very

low and very loose. They need to be way higher and way tighter and way tighter to make any kind of sense in this denim. It does. By the way, it's 10 bucks for an alteration to be made to your jeans to make it look like they'll look like they were custom made for you. Can I? That includes the waist.

Yeah. Yeah. We found lucky brand jeans. Yeah. Those are great. I never had a pair until a couple of weeks ago and now I'm hooked. They were also on some crazy sale. Yeah.

An additional 40% off. That was so good. That was such a good deal. I know. And I got some tight pairs of those. Those feel nice. Yeah. I'm back down to my pre-pregnancy size.

I'm very excited. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But this is, yeah, this is, you know, it not as bad as other dad offenses I've seen. Light denim is forbidden always forever. Yeah. It's really not okay.

Yeah. Absolutely. We retarded around. Yeah. There you go. White denim, I don't think is acceptable either unless you're European, Eastern European. And you're there. And you're there.

Yeah. It's not acceptable here. Because that's how you can tell who's a tourist in LA is if you're wearing white denim and like chunky platform heels and like, dude, you're in South Beach or, or you're from Latin America or Eastern Europe. South Beach you can do, you can wear anything. Of course. Yeah.

Here you'll see like on Sunset a dude in like white denim with a white top and silver shades. That's my cousin. Yeah. It is your cousin. Yeah. Actually, when your cousins came, they looked real crazy. Yeah, dude.

White on white on white. Yeah. All year long. No. European. Yeah. Yeah, dude. It's a fucking whack.

Yeah. It is hard for dudes. You really got to find the brand that fits you right and it's got to be loose in America. Okay. You can't look too fucking. Yeah. But then there's like two loose. I don't think this is too loose though.

I think it's too big for him. Really? He needs to go a size up. Yeah. Because look, can we go up higher a little? This just, it does. I don't know. I feel like he can go a little, I don't know how it sits on the waist, but it looks like

it's fine to me. Yeah. Too long. But this, yeah, don't do that. An acceptable mommy. And not only that, I want you to get it fixed and I want you to send us a picture of your new alter jeans. And no white sneakers with jeans too.

I think that looks so corny, like all white. Like Jerry Seinfeld? Yeah. If you're rocking all white sneaks, it's very delicate. Sometimes they look good. Okay. They look good with dark denim. Yeah.

If you're doing like a light denim. If it's a clean, like if they're clean whites, they're low cuts obviously, like low cuts. Yes. Like Adidas old school. Yeah. Or you can get like, there's a bunch of brands you could pull it off with. I think you could still make it work.

If you're wearing black denim, white kicks, white top, I mean, you know. That's different. Yeah. You can get away with that. But light denim with white sneakers. That's terrible. Light denim? Yeah.

Yeah. And we're also thinking, I'm like, you're, yeah. That's Seinfeld dude. That's total. That's a dad boner. But I'm thinking more like, you know, like cool black guys and stuff. But black guys can do anything. Yeah.

Black guy can rock a fucking toilet seat around their neck and be like, this is the cool shit. Everybody's doing it. Yeah, it's true. Black people get carte blanche for everything. For style points. Absolutely. Yeah.

Absolutely. They make everything cool. Yeah. Duck tape. Duck tape. It's a black guy right there. He's not black. Yeah, he was.

Duck tape's black? Yeah. Oh, I thought he was a white dude for some reason. I thought duck tape was white. I think you're a white guy. Hey, duck tape. No, come on. Babe, that's a white guy.

Duck tape, your ass today. Yeah. That's a baby. That's a black guy. Oh, this whole time. Jesus. It's just like a hail billy white guy. But nigga.

No, come on. Where's your water? Champ. Don't be rude. Where's your container? Don't be rude. Interesting. I'm hydrating this entire show.

I've noticed you have not once hydrated. Any who, dolls? Any who. Hey, I want to thank you, Tom. We were downstairs having an evening snack after we put LJ down. Yeah. And, um, you've been eating a lot of protein and stuff and you made some sausage. And you know, yeah, I'm a huge fan of all things processed meats.

Yes. And you took the sausage out of the microwave and it was piping hot. It was a pre-cooked. Pre-cooked. Right. And, um, you took one bite and you took it in bite and then you go, Oh, do you want to try this? And immediately I was like, Whoa, wait a minute, Tom never offers me offers me a bite of anything

because that sausage is usually gone within 30 seconds because you will eat it piping hot and just burn your mouth like, like a bear does or like, um, like, um, like bears that eat honey, bee combs, hives full of bees, they just burn and sting their mouth. They don't care. That's how you eat all the time. So I was like, something's up that the bear is offering me offering food. Yeah. I usually have to snatch it and run.

So I go, this is terrible, right? Is that why you're offering it to me? This tastes like shit, huh? And you're like, no, no, it's, it's good. Just try it. Just try it. And it was, I took a bite, the nastiest shit I'd ever had. It was like, it tasted like rose.

I hate rosemary so much. Yeah. Like it was like a weird rosemary in their chunks of apple or something gross. Yeah. It was like a cheap pepperage farm one. It was a artichoke and rosemary. I hate rosemary, but it just wasn't good. Thanks for offering it though.

It tasted like shit. You spit it out. You chew it up and you spit it out. On the floor and the dog got part of it. Yeah. Yeah. So gross. I hated that sausage.

It makes me angry that you offered it to me though. Why? Why would you offer me something shitty, dude? Well, I didn't offer it. I wasn't like, oh, you know, I was, I was wanting, I really wanted you to verify whether or not it was good. That's not true. Yeah.

It was shitty. And you're like, oh no, no, it's really good. No, I wanted to know if it was good and then you, you let me know that it wasn't that good. So I appreciate you actually, you know, figuring it out for me. That's what I feel like happened if we're, if we're being, that was really mean. I was so mad at you. You were. I was like, what?

How dare you? You know, the funny thing is this is the truth. I was thinking about this after that. If you hadn't verified for me how bad that was, I, I would have eaten it. Yeah. I would have eaten it. So. You would, and then you would be like, oh, that was terrible after you'd done, like that

sucked. Yeah. Yeah. And then would you eat a second one or you would stop at one? No, whatever I had there, I just would have finished it reluctantly. And then when you ate it, you're like, this is bad. And I was like, Hey, that is bad. Yeah.

Yeah. You're not supposed to eat stuff that you don't enjoy. I know. I know. I don't, I don't do it either. Cause you realize it's not worth the calories. Like why torture yourself? I don't know, man.

Hey, so did we get this, uh, that, that audio fix of the, of the, the top dog thing we wanted to air? I'm not sure how much of it is airable. Do we have it? He sent it. Yeah. He sent it to us. Where is it?

It's in a drop box somewhere. It's in your email. It is. Push pause. Okay. All right. Um, found it. So get it.

This is salvaged from the episode that we essentially are redoing our last episode last episode. Uh, we called top dog again. This was such a good call. And I'm glad some of this was saved. Some of it was saved. Yeah. Oh God, I can wear that shirt again.

It's another audio issue in this. It's going to be, you know, discovered as we're doing this, but, um, so there's going to be a little bit of distortion. That's what the email says, but it was, there was such an amazing moment in this that we have to play it. So here it is. Take two of talking to top dog and reading him jokes. Okay.

Let me see if he answered. Please answer. It's weird that we're sitting here looking these, I know those laughs again, you say. Hello. Yes. Hey, dad. Hey buddy. How you doing?

Hey, um, you got a second for me? I had so much fun reading jokes to you the other day. I got some new ones submitted. Can I read them to you? Oh, sure. I love jokes. Okay. Uh, these are, uh, just women jokes.

Okay. He's just laughing already. I've been trying to lay up already. Okay. How do you blind a woman? I give up. You put a windshield in front of her. Oh my God.

Okay. Um, let's see. Why do women have periods? I've been trying to figure that out for a long time. Okay. Well, the answer is because they deserve them. What do you call a woman without an asshole? You know, I'm trying to think of that.

I can't even think of anything. I have no idea. You know, you know, you don't have to think of anything because these are just set up punchline jokes. Okay. Okay. I don't know. Okay.

So I'll read it again. What do you call a woman without an asshole? I have no idea. Single. I don't get it. I don't get it still. How do you know a Polish girl is on her period? How do you know a Polish girl is on her period?

I don't know. She's only wearing one sock. She's only wearing one sock. Oh, that's brutal. Oh, that's brutal. All right. Poor Polish people. That's brutal.

Okay. What's another meaning for a woman? I don't know. Another description for the word woman. I have no idea. Finger puppet. Okay. I've heard that one before.

Yeah. Maybe just the wife jokes. These are really, really just mean. How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat? I don't know. She fits into your wife's clothes. That's funny. Oh, that's perfect.

Oh, I love that one. Oh, that's a good one, Tommy. What's the difference between a knife and a woman arguing? I don't know. A knife has a point. Oh, that's brutal. That's brutal. Wow.

What do women and condoms have in common? I can't think of an answer. If they're not on your dick, they're in your wallet. Oh, that's a great one. That is a great one. You realize that his response was different this week, though, was different mood. He thinks so?

Yeah. I mean, the first time it was just, I mean, maybe, you know, there were different jokes all out, laughter, hysterical. All right. Now he's offended or gauging, offensive. He's like, oh, that's pretty rough. He's commenting on them more, still laughing, but not as hard. But these jokes are way harsher than they're not blonde jokes.

They're like hating women jokes. Yeah, they're a little too misogynistic. Yeah, I think that was the issue here. It was too harsh. What takes up 12 parking spaces? Here we go. Two blondes. No.

What? Why do you do this? Why do you ruin your jokes? Okay, do it again, do it again. Let's do it again. Hold on. No, I want to get back to the parking lot joke. Okay.

Come on. Okay. So. Tell me about the parking lot joke. Every time now, I go to the parking lot. I'll see a blonde. I'll think of it. Okay.

What takes up 12 parking spaces? I don't know. Six female drivers. So that was, by the way, that distortion that you just heard there, that little crackling, that was throughout the entire episode.

Yeah. So that's why we were able to salvage just a little bit, because we wanted to not waste this whole thing, but basically the whole episode sounded like that, like popping, popping. So, you know.

But again, I'm glad I can wear this shirt again. You can definitely wear this shirt again. Yeah. What's five miles long and has an IQ of 40? I don't know. I have no idea. A blonde parade.

Let me. Let's see. I got a couple more for you. Okay. Uh, why did the blonde eat a dictionary? I give up.

Because she wanted to be smart. Oh. See? That's the demonstrate. That's... This is good. What's that, buddy? That just hurt.

Sounds like you're doing something. Yeah. I guess I'm supposed to wash my hands, because one people think I really do that. Sad. Done. Yeah. Wash my hands, buddy.

Good for you. Sounds like you probably watched one, but I don't. I'm sorry I didn't want to interrupt. I forgot that he was going to do that. I know. I wouldn't have paused if it... I will know what I have to say is stupid, because he pissed.

That was so much funnier than anything I can say. The best part of this bit about your dad laughing at the jokes is that the dumber they are, the harder he laughs. He doesn't like me. But I think that's really like... That's...

almost related to his age. Well, Tommy... He also likes older... hanging out with older guys. Who like those kind of jokes even more. But see, that's the essence of a great dad joke. It's corny.

The corny or the better. He really would headline the dad tour. Yeah. The pee is amazing. The pee was like... I kind of want to revisit it. Can we do it again? Yeah, I feel like I fucked it up by wanting you to press pause.

I didn't know it was coming. Bitsy is chewing on a marker. Bits, hey! Looks like it's about to happen. Can you throw a marker at her? That's what I thought I saw you do. Because I'm trying to get her off the paper. So you threw a marker at her?

To get her to stop chewing the paper. Come here, Stoops. No more, dummy. God. Such an asshole. There you go. And then she takes the end off. Then this...

Here we go. We're rolling. So... Yeah. Oh! Oh, boy. That's unbelievable. It's unreal. This is good.

What's up, buddy? He was giggling through his piss. He's like, I'm pissing right now. You're doing something. Yeah, taking all the... Yeah. Well, feel better.

I guess I'm supposed to wash my hands. Because I want people to think I really do that. Dad. Done. Yeah. Correct. Wash my hands, buddy. Good for you. Sounds like you probably watched one, but... Unreal.

How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? I give up. She fell out of the tree. Mom! Mom! Oh, my God. Yes, he loves that. Yeah, these are good.

Where are you right now? Are you home? Yeah, you're home. I love you. I'll give you a call later. Okay, buddy. Love you. Bye-bye. So funny. You know, it's a real badge of honor for him that he doesn't wash his hands

after he goes to the bathroom. Yeah, he always talks about it. What do you think that's all about? I think it's the Marine Corps stuff. Oh, right. He was like, okay, Sally. You're such a fag if you watch it. Yeah, especially after a leak.

If you're like, you're like... He's pissed. He takes pride in being a barbarian. He likes that. You're an animal. So, I mean, with dumps, I'm like, dude, that's super necessary. Yeah.

And he's like, oh, yeah. But I could tell there's some level of him that's like, not really. He doesn't believe that. I never think about that every time your dad touches like my hand or something. Oh, there's feces on your hand. For sure. Dad feces.

Yeah, dad balls and feces, yeah. Oh, God. You should wash your hands after you meet my dad. Yeah. With the baby stuff, he goes, oh, I wash my hands. He does a real display of washing. Yeah. Great.

I think that's my favorite moment of all time. Yeah, it's incredible. I'm so glad we could salvage that piece of audio because that was like, man, I almost lost it when he pissed. That was really funny. Yeah. He's never done that with us before

in the years we've been calling him. Does he ever call you when he takes a dump? Yeah. Yeah. Mostly, you know, a lot of times it'll be like I called him and he'll answer and he'll be like, I'm taking a shit. And I go, oh, all right.

He's like, yeah. Oh, actually, you know what his favorite thing to do is? Taking a shit. Answer the phone. Yeah. Talk to me. And then 10 minutes later go, you want to know something amazing? I took a shit.

I wiped, washed my hand, and now I'm back in my office all without you knowing that whole time. Wow. And he's like, you realize how skilled I am? He is, and he really is. And I wiped with one hand.

He goes, not everyone can do that. No, he's right. That's pretty impressive. And are you amazed by that talent? My first thought, I always say to him, I'm like, no, he's like, that would have given it away. So when does he flush?

He doesn't. He leaves it there. Yeah, that's fine though. Who cares? But at home, that's egregious. Yeah, you don't want to leave dumps at home. No, you can't do that at home. Fuck a workplace. Fuck a workplace dog. You do what you want to work.

At work, that's all you, man. Do whatever you want to do. Yeah, it's pretty incredible though, right? That's not the word for it. Yeah. Yeah, so the essence is corny. The joke has to be like, what we think is super corny.

Don't bring that bitch back. Yeah, I know. Yeah. All right, well, there you go. What is this here? What do I have here? I don't know what this is. Tony, I can stick my fucking tongue straight into your fucking ass like a spin.

Yeah, I remember now. Okay. Whoo. Can you play the video of Yoko Ono I sent you? Sure. Oh, we also have John Lennon video. We have Funny or Horrific.

Okay. You forwarded me that email? Check out this, though. This is different. Ooh, yeah, see? These are dickhole nails. Get it for your man, lady. Gentlemen, get it for you. You want to see your dick look good?

See? Hold it. Oh, wow. It's sparkling. Oh. I like it. I like it. Babe, you want to make a video? You want to make a video with me? You shut the fuck up.

That's how I feel. Let me hold your dick. I like her. Yeah. She's a fun time. I think the world is coming to an end. You think so? Yeah, this is the end of America.

This is the end of our empire. Let me hold your dick. We're watching it decline. It's happening. This is the last decade for America. And China's going to take over. How? Anyone else will take over.

We're so dumb. The majority of us are so dumb. That's fucking stupid. There's so many stupid people. That's great. That lady should be on the news every day. Holding dicks. She does the news.

But don't you think we are getting dumber? You and I were looking for just a decent movie to watch the other night. And there's just dog shit, man. And we're like the capital of the world. We make movies for a living. And it's just fucking dog shit. Nothing creative is happening.

We're just remaking everything. God damn, in the 80s, they were making smarter shit than this. Now, Lethal Weapon is a television show? You know that? I did not know. Lethal Weapon is now a television show. Cool.

Which was a good movie. Great, great. A few movies. You want to see Horrific or Hilarious? Yes. Let's see. Here we go. Alright, here we go.

Talk about having a tiger by the tail. We got a giant python by the tail. Waste deep. He's a Canadian. He's got a mouth full of teeth. I've got him by the head. Stupid asshole. So far, neither

horrific or hilarious. That would be called boring. Here comes the head. Watch it. Watch it. Let go, let go. Wait, wait, wait. Where's his head?

Where is his head? Where do you feel it? Where do you feel it, Brady? Then I got a bad bite. Definitely hilarious. Hilarious. I got a bad bite. I got a big open wound

and all this bad pain. I'm going to try and move slow. No, no, wait. I just don't want to be bitten again. I got a really bad bite. Is he still grabbing you? Where's his head? Why don't you move quickly?

I don't like that. He's planning something. He's squeezing me very tightly. I'll tell you what, I'm going to take the tail and go over there. I've got a really bad bite on my leg. Move, motherfucker, go. Where is he? Where is he?

My right leg. He's killing me. Is it a bad bite? I got to get out of this stuff. Maybe you should get out of the swamp water, dummy. How dumb are you to go in the python? What is he saying? The python?

There's a python here. There's rocky water and there's a python. I got a bad bite. I got a bad bite. Stupid asshole. That's scream. This is funny to me

because this is your fault, dummy. Why are you fucking with pythons? This is that Steve Irwin's fault and look what happened to fucking Steve Irwin. I know and they went into some deep underground chamber with dirty, dark water

and they're like weaved into some crack and they're like there's a python in here and then he's like I got a bad bite. I got a bad bite. He keeps saying it and he doesn't move. I got a bad bite.

I got a bad bite. I got a bad bite. I got a bad bite to the leg. I got a bad bite. I got a really bad bite. Man, my leg is killing me. I got a really bad bite. I got a bad bite.

Why do you think you move faster? That dude got fucked up, man. Damn, he done did get fucked up. Those fuckers, they wind around you really quick too. Once they get that squeeze on you, you better go and once it has you dead.

If it wraps, you're dead. I'm surprised they don't have a weapon on them like a fucking machete to cut that thing up. If that one fucking wraps around me, you better believe I killed it. Don't think that this ended with not killing that thing.

There's no more footage. On the next episode, we're eating snake for dinner. The python. Why does he say I like that? He's Canadian? I think that's Canadian talk. I got a bad bite.

I got a bad bite. Stupid fuck. I got a big open wound in all this bad guano. All this bat guano. Waste deep in bat guano. Waste deep bat guano. He's so stupid.

He's planning something. He's planning on killing you. That's what pythons do, man. Yes, something is going on. I don't like that. He's planning something. He's squeezing me very tightly. Let me give you a couple extra clues about what he's doing.

He's stupid motherfucker. Fucking with animals. You had this bit about a million years ago. One of your first great bits was about people fucking with animals. What are you doing? What are you doing, man? What are you fucking with, damn animal?

Look what happened to Steve Rowan. He was fucking with pythons and crocodiles. What got him in the end? Stingray. The most useless animal in the world. He just didn't have the... Stenema.

How did the stingray even... It pierced his heart. It was by chance. If that piercing had gone literally an inch lower he'd be alive. Is it bad? Or is it irony?

It was like the universe fucking destined him to die that way. I guess it's a poor guy. Poor guy because he wasn't a guy that fucked with animals. In a joking way, we talk about it like that. That guy loved animals. Passionate. His passion was to be close

to them and examine their lives and everything. He was a great human being. You could tell they were normal. His daughter Bindi's normal. The wife was normal. She's doing what he did now. It's great because she came out a few years ago and she's like, I'm not going to be a slut.

I'm going to dress like a normal teenage girl. She said the pressure to look like a whore. She's like, I'm not going to do anything. She came out against the media. Against the sexualization of girls her age. Which I thought was really cool.

She's like, I'm not going to do that stuff. She's like a normal. How old is she now? She's 18. She's 4'11". Oh really? That's weird. Is that some kind of disorder or something? No, that's just short.

4'11". Her and her boyfriend here. Oh no, she's just tiny. He's really cute. Looks like he's doing animal stuff too. He's got a zoo thing on him. Whatever, on this side. Bindi and Mindy.

Bindi and Mindy. She's wearing khaki colored things and she's holding hands with kissy face. No. I like that she has a BF. Yeah, that's good. See, she's normal. Good. Well, good for them. She's cute. Yeah, she turned out okay.

Poor girl. Could you imagine losing your father that way? Oh boy. That's terrible. It's freakish. Terrible, terrible. That's so funny though. What a dumb fuck. And I hate that these people all copied Steve Irwin now at these animal shows.

Yeah, they're not as good. No, nobody is. Nobody. No, it's like we know we're watching. We ain't retarded around as much. We know we're watching. You're not Steve Irwin. Yeah, he was a crazy Australian dude. Yeah. He was doing that shit before the cameras were on him for sure.

Yeah, there's no one quite like him. No. Never has been. You got anything else on the emails? No, that's the last one. Okay. Well, there is this one last voicemail that I thought was really funny. This is from a

a governor. The governor of Maine left this voicemail on some other politician from the same state, from Maine, called him racist. And then he left this voicemail on that.

This is a good team. This is a governor. Paul Richard LePage. I would like to talk to you about your comments about my being a racist. You're a cock sucker. Yeah. And I want to talk to you. You won. I want you to prove that I'm a racist.

I've spent my life helping black people and you little son of a bitch, socialist, cock sucker. I need you to I want you to record this and make it public because I am after you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I like this guy. I'm going to vote for him. I don't know what any of the fallout is from this, but I heard that and I was like, that's a governor.

That's awesome. How many of these phone calls do you think happen? Like, you know, in House of Farts where they call each other and be like, hey, you sabotaged me. And then this and that. I wonder if people do call each other out. He's got to be somebody. I mean,

voicemails are real. Yeah, I shouldn't do that. Yeah, sketchy. Never, never send the email. It's almost like he became it was like a political move during that like the voicemails left in anger. And at some point he goes, release this.

In other words, he's not like he's thinking two steps ahead as he's speaking. Yeah, go ahead. You're not going to surprise me with the release. I'm telling you to release. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I bet you if he could go back, you know, maybe he doesn't do that. I don't know. I love it.

He gave him his full name, Paul Richard LePage. You really leave somebody your full name. That's true rage. Yeah. That's when you really hate him. I use their full name. Blood type. Oh, I want you to fucking use my address.

Sucker and cock sucker. That's going to be a word that will become forbidden very soon. No, here's the thing. When this story broke, they accused him of using the headline was governor of Maine uses homophobic slur.

It's already there. Like, of course, you can say well, yeah, I sang sucking cock in some pejorative. Yes, yes. No, but I think of it as an insult in line with asshole fuck face douche bag.

Yeah, like, yeah, mother fucker. I've never heard it or thought of it in terms of you're being homophobic. Well, and not only that, it's not just homosexual men who are cock suckers. Straight women are cock suckers, too. Right. So that covers the whole

planet as cock suckers. A lot of people. Yeah. Well, women suck dicks and guys suck dicks. Right. So there you go. We're all cock suckers. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. So he's insulting women. Actually, very sexist comment, too, if we break it down

even further. It's just crazy. Like, how are you supposed to insult people now? It's offensive to offend now. You can't even have a good slur. Fucking cock sucker. Such a good one. It's old school. It's old school. Joey Diaz says it constantly. He calls the audience

cock suckers. Yeah, that's how he answers the phone. What's up, cock sucker? Fucking cock sucker. So funny. Alright, I'll see you later, cock sucker. That's what he says over and over. I tell you, my meditation place now, they changed the bathroom sign. There was only one turlet to begin with,

so it was already male and female. Now it's an all gender restroom. All gender. Everyone. And the thing is, I don't care. What am I supposed to do? I'm not against it. I'm not for it. I'm indifferent to it. But still, why does it feel ridiculous?

Am I on the wrong side of history? Is this going to be like... I think it's pretty obvious why. I'm proud to have come out as polyamorous and now I'm excited to share that I'm bisexual. That's why. There you go. Oh my. That's why you're feeling that way.

Because you're both. Oh, I'm poly. I forgot it. I'm poly and I'm bi. What's your pronoun today? I'm still fluid gender today. That like... I feel like from one moment to the next. You know?

Yeah. I'm Zim. Zim. I don't know. I'm on a fluid bond with Jesse. I don't know. I'm just going to do some things. I'm feeling water gendered. I'm fluid, fluid.

This is kind of big. I'm going to fluid bond I'm going to fluid bond with Jesse. I'm going to... What was that show called? Jesse, polyamory. Married and dating. When are we going to be married and dating?

I'm signing up for it. What a mess. What a hot mess that would make your life... What you have kids is the best thing to do. Mommy. Who are you dating? The philosophy of many poly people. Make a bridge and get over it.

All right. We got to get out of here. This was a very busy day. Guys, I got to rename all the bathrooms in the house. All gendered bathrooms. In case we have a gender fluid visitor. I don't want anyone to feel left out. Let's put all gender signs on the bathroom.

That's a great idea. All genders welcome. Right. I don't want our son to feel like we're pressuring him into being a male. We're already child abusing him by calling him he. We make him wear blue and he plays the little footballs and stuff. Four song options to close.

What do you got? One is duct tape ain't playing. One is father and son. One is kiss my pussy on a bloody day. And one is mommy, mommy, mommy. What do you think I'm going to choose? You want to choose mommy, mommy, mommy. Of course, it's the best song there is.

Thank you guys for listening. Please go to yourmomshousepodcast.com Shop in the store. Use our Amazon banner. Come see shows. And we'll be back. Oh, Amazon banner. You did say that. Sorry. We'll be back next week.

All right. Bye jeans. Bye jeans. Drink your waters. I am. Tom isn't. Go tell dad. Go tell dad that you love me more. Do. Daddy, daddy, daddy doesn't know your middle name! Mommy, mommy, mommy wants you more than daddy! Mommy, mommy, mommy is the best!

Let's bang chicks together. The ultimate father, something to do. We're out there pulsing dads in their mouths. Trying to finish up the same thing. Follow and turn and bang your chicks. Nothing like it. Mommy, mommy, mommy wants you more than daddy! Daddy, daddy, daddy doesn't know your middle name!

Mommy, mommy, mommy wants you more than daddy! Mommy, mommy, mommy is the best!