Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 362-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: September 21, 2016

This week, the mommies dive deep into the fetish of ball kicking, see what DJ Dad Mouth was up to in Des Moines, do another installment of Horrible or Hilarious, and much much more!

This is why I do think you're a serial killer. You're gonna murder me in my sleep. You need to tell your therapist about this. Reactions are funny in those situations. You have problems. Problems. Problems. Paralysed from the ways down and you're dying of laughter.

That is funny. It's not supposed to be funny. Paralysed from the ways down and you're dying of laughter. Reactions are funny in those situations. Dude, this is why I do think you're a serial killer. You need to tell your therapist about this. You have problems. It's not supposed to be funny.

Look at the title of the thing. It's not even funny. It doesn't say funny anywhere. I don't know why you're laughing. At all? It's a guy getting run over by a car. And you find it hilarious. He goes,

Duh-uh-uh. Guy can't get up, babe. Duh-uh-uh. Please bring this up in therapy. Not normal. Duh-uh-uh. Guy can't get up, babe. Duh-uh-uh.

Please bring this up in therapy. Not normal. Are we done here? Is this done? All right. Excellent. That was DJ Lincoln-den with... Lincoln-den.

Lincoln-den with... It's not supposed to be funny. That's the name of that track. It's good. It's really funny. I think it's pretty great. Thank you, DJ Lincoln-den. Lincoln-den.

Lincoln-den. It's really funny. Look, we are... We're back. Not that we went anywhere. You went to Des Moines. Oh, yeah. I got some stories for you.

Yeah? Yeah. Are we going to move there? Did you buy real estate there? In Des Moines? Yeah. No, but I actually had really good time, man. You did?

Yeah. Not my experience. I have a joke on my album about how much I hate the whole state of Iowa. Yeah, you do. I really hate Iowa. Now I'm going to get all these letters from people. I'm sorry, Iowa. But they love you there.

I had a bad experience there, I think. At the club? No, not at the funny bone. I did a tour with the... Oh, yeah. Well, and dubbed David up, and we had to drive through the entire state. Because the club loves you. Yeah, I love the funny bone in Des Moines, actually.

I think it was that tour I did more than the state. Yeah. Sorry, Des Moines. I took it out on you, or Iowa. Yeah, but now you can go back, man. I will. Eventually. You can go back, dog.

Dog. Hey, dog. Hey. Hey, man. Hey. Hey. I'm at the comedy club, man. Hey, man.

That's a do with a Bluetooth in his ear, right? Yeah. At the comedy club. Ryan Sickler is on stage. I don't fuck with Lincoln. We didn't do our dates. I know. We're going to do that now.

Oh, okay. I thought you were going to go into the clip. No. I panicked for a minute. You didn't think I could... Okay. Well, let's do some dates. I didn't think you'd remember.

When do I ever forget the dates? This is dreams. It sounds like dreams. It's by G-Spot and J. Are you going to read your dates? Yeah, because our internet, hold on. Our internet? I'm on one, two, three fart.

Oh. Oh, here we go. September 27th. I'm in Seattle, technically to come on you. To come on your comedy club. September 28th in Shartland. Oregon at the Helium Comedy Club. October 4th, Phallus Tejas.

October 5th, Pustin at... It's a secret group. October 23rd, Indian Appletits. That's right. Indiana Morties Comedy Club. October 24th. What is Cincinnati again? Shit.

Pissed nasty. Shit. Pissed nasty. Ohio. Go bananas. And then December 9th and 10th. I'm in Washington, D.C. at the D.C. improv. What does D.C. stand for?

Dumb cunts. Dumb cunts. Yeah, that's right. Right? Yeah. This music a little loud to talk over. Yeah. Yeah.

Dumb cunts. D.C.'s and L.C.'s. Yeah, that's right. Lazy cunts and dumb cunts. Lazy cunts and dumb cunts. Yeah. Go to thousand ranch.com for tickets. There you go.

This weekend, I am continuing on the Oddball tour in Tejas. We got Houston. We got Fallis. You cannot say, Houston. And we got Momston, all Texas dates. And then the final weekend is the following weekend. That's September 30th through October 2nd. The Shoreline and Mountain Jews.

The Shartline. The Shoreline Amphitheater and Mountain Jews, California. Then the Irvine Meadows. Sperm Vine Meadows. Amphitheater and Sperm Vine. And then the final show of all of this thing is in Fartnix at the whatever pavilion there. The whatever? Yeah.

This is good. Then there's... Then he comes to me wherever. Then let's see. I have one show only in Ontario, California at the improv October 6th. One night, one show. Then I go to Charlotte, North Carolina. I haven't been since...

I think it's been over a year. So I'm excited to do a weekend there. October 13th through 15th. Then Cox Comedy Club in Manfran Disco, California. And finally, I finish out October at Carolines on Broadway in Jewdork titties. There's already a sold out show there. I believe Charlotte and Cox have one too. I'm also hitting Raleigh, Louisville, Filler of Delphia, and West Falls Beach, Florida.

All those tickets are at TomSegura.com. Go to the shows page. West Falls Beach. I thought it was West Harry Palm. West Harry Palm? Okay. Right? Yeah, sure.

West Harry Palms. West Harry Palms. All right. What a wonderful tradition we've started on this show. Yeah. It's pretty good. It's pretty good. It's pretty good.

Standima. Standima. Fuck. Oh, guys, use our Amazon banner, please. Please, when you do your shopping, all that means is you go to our website, your mom's housepodcast.com. Click on the banner at the bottom of our homepage that says Amazon on it, and then you just do your shopping.

And if you bookmark it, that's really, really easy in that way. You'll never have to go to our website over, oh gosh, I see two slots. You'll never have to go and do this every time if you bookmark it. Also, check out that seat row, podcast.com. I think that's all I have for you. All right. What are these two going to talk about? Quantum physics?

Probably. It's probably one of the one Nobel Peace Prize this time. You know, I think it's about the Earth's orbit, something like that. Something like that. Let's, um... Climate change. Let's start the show. You ready to start the show?

All right. Let's do this. Let's go. So, come here. You know what we have for you today? A special treat. We're going to kick you right in the nut. This is big time.

Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Don't bump into fucking Stan. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Don Segura. And Christina Pajitzi. Welcome to your mom's house.

Stupid. Oh, man. You know, I was thinking... You realize that one of our first really hardcore laughing inappropriate bonding experiences was a ball kicking video. Yeah, back in 2009. Dude, it was so long ago. I know.

Yeah. That was funny. I didn't know I had a love for it until you showed me that video. You got so... You were like, I want to do this. I know. You got so excited about it. Well, I feel like I could.

Yeah. I feel like this is the one genre of porn that I would really excel. Kicking guys in the balls. Yeah. It's always amazed me and I think most guys that this is legit a turn on for some people. They really, really, really want to get kicked in the balls. If you can conceive of it in your mind, somebody's doing it right now. It exists in the world if you can think of it.

That video that we watched, man, I wish I could find it. That was from like Brazil. No, it was Spanish. I think it was like Argentina or something or Uruguay, but they had like really... That girl made that guy bleed and he was loving. That was my fair part when she squeezed his balls real hard and the blood was coming out and she goes, Sangria, whatever the word is. Sangria.

And she kept saying like, Sufri, Sufri, like she wanted him to suffer. Yeah. See, I feel like I could really do that for someone else. Yeah. Yeah. But only to put that like to a guy that really wants it. Well, yeah. Someone that doesn't sign up for this shit, man.

Yeah. Really crazy. I mean, it's the pain they like. Yeah, but you know... The degradation maybe? Maybe. What do you... Because there's more to it than just degradation.

There's actual pain. I mean, that's very painful to get kicked in the ass. Very painful. There's even a... By the way, a lot of people have told me to download caffeine so that this stuff's going to sleep. I got it. Okay? Download caffeine, you idiot.

I got it. Yeah, I know. I'll do it. I got it. Shit. I fucking got it. I just got home. Fucking got it.

All right. Fuck tards. There's no blue band in the room if you're wondering why. It's because our schedule has been so crazy with all the in and out traveling that, you know, with coordinating that with the baby. Sometimes we just have to be able to run in here when we have some time. So that's what we're going to do. When our kid is sleeping or in between.

Yeah, it's just harder to coordinate right now. Anyway. Anyway. Anyways. Can we watch? I'm dying to see what happens. Let's see. I don't know if this is...

I like the dissolve. ...actuated or not. I think this one's okay to play. Do-do-do-do-do-do. Okay. That's why I'm just going to kick you nice and hard right in the balls. Let's keep on kicking. You don't deserve to have them.

You know who I think that is? Huh? I think that's how does my asshole smell, huh? I think you're right. I think that's her. Well, I think you've got a really good ear. Yeah. Wow.

Look at you with the porno actors. You know exactly who does what, huh? What a talent you are. Are you proud of me? I'm so proud. What a unique gift you have to point out. Which porno girl said what? I'm so proud of you, sweetie.

I think that's her. I think you're right. How does my asshole smell, huh? Yeah. Because she's Asian, right? Well, she's... She looks Asian-ish. Asian-ish.

That's what I would have gone with. Yeah. She looks Asian-ish. She has that voice. How does my asshole smell, huh? We got to find that. Hold on. We can't move on right now.

My throat hurts. Have I been snoring? Like a donkey. God. Yeah. I'm real sore today. Yeah. Even really, really doing it up.

Really affecting my instrument. If you know what I mean. Yeah. I know exactly what you mean. God, where is that? How does my asshole smell, huh? That's pretty good. Yeah.

Now that came... Came out. Look what I just found on accident. The reason I like jerking off while licking my... Having a girl licking my balls from my angle. While she's licking my balls, I'm punching her fucking stupid face. Wow. Wow.

Wow. Oh, she and I might be good at ball kicking together. That's not it. Let's see. What is amaze? What's came out? That's not her. Am I?

How do you say asshole? How does my asshole smell, huh? Okay. Okay. All right. Hold on. Hold on. Yeah.

Yeah. Let's see. Let's do the work. They're gonna pop like a balloon. So I'm gonna be like... Oh. Get out of here. No.

No. No. She's much more girlish. They get tongue in my asshole. That's a milf. They get tongue in my asshole. They get tongue in my asshole. That sounds like a 40 plus milf.

Like 50 plus. I will. Bitch. Fuck with you. You're so fucking worthless. And you don't know how much I fucking hate you. You're fucking worthless. Need a piece of fucking shit.

How does that translate to sexually exciting? Sexually exciting for some people, for sure. Because to me, all I hear is like a bad childhood. Like it's not... Some people, the degradation is what really gets them going, you know? Yeah. I don't know. I don't know.

Something for everybody. Same strokes? Same? Everybody. Different... Same strokes, same folks. I think. Everybody's the same.

Everyone's the same everywhere. But you're right. The thing about... I mean, no woman can fully grasp how awful to 99% of men a ball kicking is. I mean, you've never seen me... I haven't gotten kicked in the balls since I was a kid. But, you know, the dog can step on my balls. And I'll be like, I'm out of it for 10 minutes.

Well, or the kid can kick your nuts and you get really mad and... Well, it's extremely painful. I know, I know. Yeah. But it's so weird that nature created that delicate part of you to be like right out... In between your legs, where they can hit and be... You know, and, you know, primitive man used to run through the forest naked. What if you got your nuts snagged on a twig?

I'm sure it happened. Or a bushel. I'm sure it happened. It makes me uncomfortable just to fucking think about it, man. Running naked in the forest is a primitive man. Like, just to think about ball hitting, you know? I mean, there's grazes. Sometimes your balls can get grazed, you know?

And there's a delay. Like, oh, it hit my nuts. I'm all right. And then you're like, oh, like you feel it go up into inside your kidneys basically. You're like, oh, it takes you out. And these guys are like, kick me as hard as you can in the balls. I know. And I know that they hang because they need to be kept a certain temperature.

That's right. That just seems so stupid for a hunter-gatherer to have to run with that delicate package in between your legs. The ball kicks into this. Let's see. The ball and spread your legs. Why? Don't worry.

Why? Maybe because you like being kicked in the balls. Oh. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Kick you in your fucking balls so fucking hard. That's her. No, she too.

That's her. Girlish sounding. Listen to her say fucking. Okay. Listen, listen. That's her. Hold on. You got to listen to this.

I am. I am. Fucking little bitch. Look at you. You're so fucking worthless. And you don't know how much I fucking hate you. Okay. Okay.

So fucking hard. That's her. Maybe. Oh, yeah. Maybe. Fucking worthless little piece of fucking shit. Wow. Good for nothing.

Why don't you go and fucking kill yourself now. I'm fucking satisfied. And I don't fucking need you anymore. It's got like a British English sound to it. Like she learned English. So fucking hard. Hard. Yeah.

You're right. There it is. It's the British. Yeah. Yeah. Well, come yourself. You little fucking bitch. You're telling my ass away.

Wow. What a good ear you have. Master of accents. You truly have earned your award today. Your Medal of Honor for that one. Thank you very much. I am so proud of you. And I didn't know this clip was coming by the way.

So I can really claim my throne today. I'm so proud of you. And I didn't know this clip was coming by the way. So I can really claim my throne today. Wow. Someone's got a near. Wow. Yeah.

Wow. Yeah. Good for you. Good old. Slut chatter. We're not going to get to see it. Let me see. I don't know.

Get up against the wall and spread your legs. Yeah, come on. Let's see it. You want to see some ball kicking? Yeah. We'll just have blue man blur it or something pixelate. Well, some of these, let's see if there's any clothed ones. Because sometimes they do it with clothes on and sometimes.

But that's no fun. But you want to see it naked? Of course. That's the funnest part. Well, let's see. You get to see the jiggle. Oh, you know what? Fall to the ground.

This is even better. I think. That's it. This is a special one. No, that's the guy though. All right. That's why this looks familiar. He really takes torture.

See, I don't think she's fighting around. No, she's not fucking around. It just makes me laugh that he enjoys this so much. She really likes it. It's so absurd. Why would you enjoy this? It's so weird. It's cute.

Oh, my life. Oh, no. See, it's the tease of like, oh, this feels good. And then that's the... Give it a kick. Now open your mouth. Okay, hold on. All right, kicks.

That's not happening. Such a good little cock slate. Jesus Christ. Oh, I want to see. Okay, okay. What happened? Come on. This is naked.

Like this is fully naked. So we'll pixelate for YouTube, but you can't deny the listeners. All right. I got to see it. You got to see this. Yeah, I'm ready. I'm ready.

Oh, no. It's just a painter. What's this feeling? Is she missing teeth? What's up with her teeth, dude? She's really feeling it. She's doing ball kicking for him. Maybe she's got a lot of teeth problems.

She's got a few missing there. I don't know when I'll be back. Dude. I hope you're bald. Yikes. Shit. God, that is just so painful, man. Yeah.

Not for me. Not for you, huh? I mean, I would do it, but I wouldn't want to receive it if I were a boy. Man. I don't have the Stanema. Oh yeah. This is another thing too.

This is a kicking or kneeing the balls as the guy orgasms. Oh, let's see that one. Jesus, you're really on a tear today. There's balls stomping. How is that possible? Because don't you need your nuts when you're begotting? Yeah, you do. That's kind of, I guess the pain, wouldn't that?

You would think so. Huh. You would definitely think so, but this is... Oh, I'm a scientist. You really want to see that? Yes. God, what's wrong with you? I don't know why you want to see this.

Okay. I want to see almost everything. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. See, so he's jerking himself off. And she's kneading him in the balls. See, that is so ridiculous.

God, how does he come with that pain? I don't know. You think that the body couldn't do both at once, you know? Mm-hmm. Oh, then there's the... There's these people that really get in days, but like smack the balls around so hard. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. God, that's so painful. It looks so painful.

Yeah, let's see it. Oh, she squeezes it too. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. That right there? That's my favorite. Where he's on all fours and she gets it from... Oh. Oh.

Ah, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Ah, that's a good one. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. It sounds like the Three Stooges, doesn't it? Wow. Wow. You know why I like it so much? Why? I feel like it's the easiest gig in porn. Yeah, yeah, you're right.

It's just chill. Like, oh, you want me to kick a dude's balls for 20 minutes? How much money does that? I know. To get paid to do it, that sounds like a real blessing. That and the fart videos, I always say, that's like the easy way out of porn. Well, that's what you're going to do. You know, as soon as I get off the road here, you know.

Oh, we're going to do this together or we're going to do porn? You're going to do ball kicking and fart videos when I'm off the road. Right. Right. To bring. Generate some income. Yeah. Get your own site started.

It's so easy. Oh, it's so easy. Who cares? My mom's dead. It doesn't matter. There you go. You don't have anyone else in your life, so who cares? God, I'm just looking at, there's so many of these.

Okay. Just pages and pages. Pages. Isn't that interesting? Busting, ball kicking. Oh, man. I saw one of these once where they were doing the video and the girl was kicking them, kicking them.

And they had to get a replacement guy because she, I think like ruptured one. Oh, wow. Yeah. Isn't there a massive health scare? I mean, danger. I can't imagine what a urologist would tell you if you're like, so I'm doing. If you're a guy and you're like, I've been signing up for these ball busting videos. Right.

They get punched and kicked in the balls and they'd be like, ah. Well, because I've heard of guys where their nuts flipped and they twist essentially. Right. And that's very painful. You don't want that to happen. That could happen real easy doing this. Yeah. It happened during a baseball.

He was squatting down to catch a baseball and his nuts twisted around. Yeah. They flipped. There's one here where a lady's got on boxing gloves. And I think that our guy, I think that guy's like the star of, you know, I think he's the guy. I think he's a hero in that world. Yeah.

There can't be too many out there. I also imagine that if you shoot those, um, you also have like weeks off between them. You know, you got to. Yeah. Yeah. To recover. Right. Yeah.

This video is called, I bet you he can't come with broken balls. Who gets to title the videos? That's what I wonder. Man. I don't know. What a great job. This is, they're so painful looking though. Jesus.

All right. Maybe because you like being kicked in the balls. Can you try that line? Maybe you can try that line. Okay. Let's go. You want to hear it again? All right.

Hold on. Here we go. Maybe because you like being kicked in the balls. That's really good. Yeah. You have to do it. Get up against the wall and spread your legs. You have to do it bad.

Yeah. You can't be too sincerely acting. Right. Get up against the wall and spread your legs. It's very theatrical. Yeah. Be like over the top with it. Dude, you're going to be so good at this.

You think so? That's why I'm just going to kick you nice and hard right in the balls. That's why I'm going to kick you nice and hard right in the balls. Remember that HBO thing, that girl that did like the behind the scenes, you know, like the sex answers, remember? Uh-huh. On HBO. The blonde chick.

She was wonderful. Katy Perry? Yeah. Katy Perry. So Katy Perry hosted this thing on HBO and she was like, yeah, the thing about porn is you just, it's like, yes, Andy. Right. Yeah.

That's good. They're going to pop like a balloon. Your balls are going to pop like a balloon. Yeah. Yeah. I'd be real mean about it. I don't think I could fake the joy. Yeah.

I'd just be like, come here you fuck, fuck boy. I think they would like that. Come here scum, fuck. These guys would definitely like that. The G.G. Allen school of porn. Yeah. Yeah.

These guys would like that. Fucking dummy. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Fucking dummy. Huh? How's my apple smell, huh? There you go.

She's got it down for sure. Yeah. I had a lot of fun in Des Mois. One thing, excuse me, that I got to do, where is it? I had it all queued up. Stanema. Stanema. Stan.

Do you know that I've actually had to stop using that word? Because I can't figure out if it's stamina or stamina now. Me too. I'm making fun of it, yeah. I was trying to make fun of it too, and I thought I was saying it wrong. It's too close. Yes. And now I fuck it up.

Stanema. Yeah. I have to hear him say it to know that that's wrong. Stanema. Because now stamina sounds wrong. Exactly. I'm like, stamina? Me too.

Stanema. It's like when we make fun of all those words, and then it gets stuck that way. Irregardless. Yeah. Library. Pacificly. Pacificly. Stanema.

See, but stamina sounds right now. When we were looking at homes. Stanema. One of the ladies that was showing us a home goes, I go, where did this room be? She goes, you could use it as a library. Stanema. I had a lot of fun in Des Mois, and then I even got to go have some fun on the morning in New Shom.

Segura. Segura. AKA DJ Dad Mouth. AKA Ducktape. Ducktape. Dad Mouth? Ducktape. Ducktape.

Ducktape. How did you get that? People call me Ducktape, man. They call me Ducktape. Because I always have it on me, you know? Like regaver. It fixes everything. Yeah.

I'll ducktape your mouth shut. I'll just, anywhere that you have a hole on you, I'll put Ducktape on. You'll put Ducktape on. I'll ducktape your ass today. I'm going to do it up tonight. I didn't realize you were supposed to put the morning in time. There's a lot of color options for that. I got oranges.

Ducktape. They call me Ducktape. Is this a guy thing that we just adored Ducktape so much? Yes. Or what is the fascination with tape? Yeah, this is a jail thing, really. Jail thing? Yeah.

Oh, please tell us more. A buddy of mine, he got locked up for arm kidnapping, and then he, everybody had like a nickname in prison, and he found some Ducktape, so they call him Ducktape. Ducktape. I'm just trying to, I want to free my buddy Ducktape. Free Ducktape. Free Ducktape. Free Ducktape.

Free Ducktape. Free Ducktape. Ducktape. Is he in for a while? He has, you know, it's a 20 year sentence, but the thing is there's good behavior and there's appeals, and if everything goes right, I think Ducktape will be out in seven. Free Ducktape. Free Ducktape.

Ducktape your ass today. Here's the thing. I don't commit arm kidnapping, but it's during a drug deal, that it's not like, like there was other people doing bad things anyways, they should give you a little bit of leniency on that, you know? Right. It's not like he kidnapped a kid. He kidnapped a bad dude.

Right. So he, essentially, he took someone off the streets. Yeah. He Ducktape mine. They couldn't find Chewy for like, I don't know, three weeks or something, so that's three weeks that Chewy wasn't selling cocaine. Here you go. Ducktape helping out.

Free Ducktape. Do you have any Ducktape on you now? Yeah, of course I got Ducktape. I put it in her purse. Stay tuned, folks, because we have to catch you up. You get a Ducktape something. People need to follow you on Twitter to find out where it is. So what's your Twitter?

At Tom's Cigarette. At Tom's Cigarette. Okay. And I will tweet out the location of the after party and we will wreck a place. We will physically destroy this place. And then we'll Ducktape it all back together. Yeah, that's exactly what I do, man. We tear it down and then I put it back together.

Then you Ducktape it back together. Man, you're getting my whole concept. They call me Ducktape. Ducktape your ass today. Tom, someone's never been to your show. Someone. Besides Ducktape, what can people expect? It's not like an X rated show, but it's like R rated.

It's probably R rated. It's meant for adults to come out and have a great time over at the funny bone. Get some great drinks, some food. So do you think you're going to switch your name to Scotch tape? No. Is that a Ducktape? No. You don't like that better?

No, no. Because I'm going to honor Ducktape until he gets out. Free Ducktape. They call me Ducktape. Who were your comic mentors? Who did you look up to as a young kid and was like, you know what? Someday I'm going to do that. It changed.

When I was a young, young kid, I feel like it started off with Cosby. He's got a little bit of legal trouble himself. He should get some Ducktape. He should get some Ducktape. He should have had Ducktape a long time ago. No, he should not have had Ducktape a long time ago. Sorry, sorry. That's just what it takes a lot for those crimes.

Then I like to keep him away from the Ducktape. Not here. Keep Cosby away from the Ducktape. There's all kinds of things going on here. They call me Ducktape. There's a lot of good comedians, man. But nothing like Ducktape. Free Ducktape.

Free Ducktape. Ducktape, y'all ask the dating. All right. There you go. How long was that? Did that feel super long? What do you mean? Was that the video?

With them. Yeah. Talking to them. Oh, I did half an hour with them. Oh my God. That was edited down to three minutes. Hilarious. I also did the weather.

Good work. And we have a weather video. Okay, let's see. You're doing the Lord's work on these morning shows. You know that, right? It's really fun, man. They're just so unwatchable until you come on. I wish you did all morning shows.

It's really fun to do. Oh, we got to talk about Corey Feldman going on the Today Show. Oh my God. Yeah. Do you want to see weather first? Of course. Okay. I did some weather stuff.

Where is that? Speaking of inappropriate though, on morning shows, that Corey Feldman thing was fucking bothersome. That was crazy. Yeah. I never thought duct tape would be so giving, you know, it's crazy. Yeah. Yeah.

Hey everybody. Welcome back. CWI will have a great show on James Peterson. Back on my side here in front of the weather wall with duct tape. What's up, man? We wanted to come in. He wanted to come in front of the chrome wall. He's never stood in front of a green wall.

So if you folks at home don't know, this is called a chroma key, aka green screen. Green screen. I'm going to let him do the weather. I'm going to step out of here. He's going to tell you about the rainfall. Let's talk about rain real quick, man. Over here. See the rabbits here.

Man, you got a little over inch. That's nothing. Look at Spencer. Spencer. Man, y'all are wet. Man, this is so easy. What is this? Deckra?

Decora. Decora? They have no rain? Or you just felt lazy. You didn't put like putting in the total. There's Waterloo. There's other places. And I got duct tape.

For Decora, I'm not going to put on the wall. But here, I would cover this up like that. Because you guys disrespected Decora. And you also disrespected Davenport. Let's see what else we got. We're going to show the Skycam. Oh, Skycam. Oh, look at this.

We'd like to thank our sponsors at Orton Homes. Yes. If you're looking for a house and you have money, contact Orton Homes. And they'll help you get it. And if something breaks, we'll put duct tape on it. There's currently 63 here. And Desmois.

And the conditions are fair. Somewhat sunny. Somewhat cloudy. Now watch this. Watch this little trick. Watch this little trick. If you're sweating, it's not how it matters. 93% humidity.

It is muggy outside. The winds are coming out of the West Southwest at around six miles an hour. If you don't have duct tape, make sure you pick some up today. It solves so many issues. Ah, duct tape, your ass the day. Decora's not there on this one either. So they're obviously having technical issues.

So that's a technical problem. It's a technical problem. So it is a good idea to bring out the duct tape. Yes. You could duct tape over them and we'll just get back to this later. We also have blue gaffers tape. Here's your future tracker. All right, future tracker.

I'm going to put, I'm going to let you play with it. Chicago. There's water there. And then Minneapolis is snowing very hard right now. And also in Kansas City, there's a lot of snow and fire. You see that right there. Future tracker is letting you know that there's some rain and mixed in other things.

Orton Homes doesn't sponsor this segment. Anything else? All right. No, we're going to walk back over here. Duct tape. Duct tape. Very good. Very good.

Yeah. Very fun. DJ Daniel, you did really good. Thank you. You should do that all the time. It's fun to do morning news when they're fun. They really let you have free reign in Iowa, huh? They were fun.

Yeah. Those two were a really good time. That was definitely fun. See, now I like Iowa. I changed my mind. See, you have a good time there. Yeah. You know yourself though.

Yeah. I'm not sure what I would do now if I would go on those terrible shows. Yeah. Don't call their show terrible. I mean, it's really awesome, relevant, hip edgy, doing work, going the Lord's work. I used to bring FIFA on television with me. And they got a real kick out of seeing the dog. But I don't know, dude.

I don't know if I could do a character. Let's see. You want to see? Oh my God. So it says. Oh my God. Seriously? I'm sorry.

You sent me this thing and you sent me Corey Feldman. Oh, fuck. Well, my friend Mary Lynn texted me first thing on, I forget, maybe Friday morning, Saturday morning. Yeah. She's like, have you seen this yet? Yeah. I mean, the internet exploded with people.

And I feel like we don't usually touch these big, important stories. Yeah. But this was so weird. It was. I feel like we need to really get into it and analyze what is happening here. Yeah. Because so Corey Feldman went on the Today Show and he's been making music since the late 80s, early 90s.

Did you know that? That he went on like Howard Stern's television show and sang a song in 1992 about like the youth of today and stuff. No. It was so weird. No. So, you know, he's. Did you text that to me?

Or did you? I think I texted it to the world. Yeah. I texted it to everybody. No, but was that a text? Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

Anyways. So. Hey, I just got a phantom text. You know, you get them. Yeah. What does your say? Mine says, is this someone trying to reach Dean? My old stepdad?

I don't know. Huh. Huh. Can I finish my. Sorry. I got one that's the other day that says, thanks, we finished 10 minutes ago. Smiley face. No, no clue.

And then did you write back? How hard did you come? I should have. Why didn't I? It would have been great. I mean, I fucking miss my shots. So anyways, Corey Feldman, his mentor was Michael Jackson. We all know that it's very obvious.

Yeah. He was a celebrity kid and he hung out with MJ. By the way, did you hear that someone came out and finally said that Michael Jackson did sexually abuse him as a child? But because of the statute of limitations on it, they can't press any kind of charges. It's cool that there's a statute of limitations on most. Yeah. That's the thing you need limits on.

I know, right? Yeah. The guy said that he was, you know, I don't know why he didn't come out so long. I imagine the shame of being molested and whatever the feelings, but so the guy finally came out and said that, yes, an MJ, what he would do is have his assistants reach out to these families and be like, Hey, do you want to come hang out at Neverland? And then he would, you know, show them the roller coasters and all the cool stuff and the parents would hang out with MJ and he would win their trust kind of like, you know,

oh, isn't it great? And then he would have the assistant reach out to the parents and ask if their kid could come to Neverland and spend the night. Right. And then these idiot parents would let their kids spend the night with Michael Jackson. Of course he was molesting. Doesn't it seem crazy now to think that people were like, no, he's not doing that. Of course.

He's not. He just likes to sleep with young children. He just likes to sleep with little boys. He's just a kid at heart. No. That shows you too. How people let logic go when someone's really famous. Well, when they really love Michael, I loved Michael Jackson.

They love him because he's so talented and famous. But I'm saying if he just was like, Oh, you know that guy, Michael, he works at the, the craft store, right? He loves sleeping with kids. He'd be like, you know, all right, so he's going to spend the night with your children. No, he's not. Are you having a hard time finding this? Yeah.

Yeah, I am. Do you want me to find it? Press pause for a minute. Yeah. Yeah. All right. We're back. We got it.

Found it. Oh, man. Buckle up, guys. If you haven't heard this, this is Corey Feldman. On the Today Show. On the Today Show. Just, if you can Google what, watch it too. You need to watch this.

If you grew up in the 80s, right here, then you may have had some Corey Feldman posters on your walls. I'm going to say it right here. His name is Sinaias with the deck. Why would you have pictures of a dude on your wall? When you stand by me licensed to drive, he's always had a passion for singing and now Corey's got a double C deck. And by the way, you can see, even at this point, the Michael Jackson influence.

You can see the insanity ramping up. You can tell that Corey's off. He's got a hood on, like a dark hoodie, and you can see the look in his eye isn't normal. It's not normal what's happening here. Michael always had very distinct, and white and black was always his thing. You can see that that's, that's what he's going for. And we hear it's a labor of love for you, 10 years in the making, and the cover art. Angelic to the core is him coming out of the earth, wearing black.

There's fire and there's angels, but it looks like, but whore angels, right, but it also looks like $2 cover art, like, like at the mall. Do you remember you probably weren't into this, but in the 90s, when, um, like that there was this, this Southern genre of hip hop really exploded. Yes. All their bugs and harmony. No, that's not Southern, but it looks like bone thugs. No, it looks like, it looks like what, like, um, like, uh, making thing, uh, like all

those guys, their cover arts was like tanks and like, just a guy in a gold, like juvenile and them and what I came to think of his name, but, um, Wait, but, but, you know what I like? This is like gangbanger art where it's Angelic number two, the gore and it's got that like, you know, handwriting font, whatever that's cursive font. It looks like it was made at the mall, dude. Yeah. Here's master P album covers.

Okay. Like here's, this is, yeah, that's what I'm saying. All those looked like that back in the, in the 90s and the angels are dressed like prostitutes. They got garter belts on. You know, like sluts, slut angels, like the Halloween costume version for women. This is like what all these, all right, right, but that's, yeah, that's a lot better. Wow. Barely.

Barely. Oh, really? No, it's terrible. Yeah. I, it's hard to describe, but if there's a lot of fire and flame, like, yeah, it's like cheap explosions and it's like a dude just learned, not even like whatever was before a photo shot and they're like, hey, put a tank in there, put some fire, some fire in there.

It's, it's that bad. It's, it's really terrible. It's worse than that. Yeah. It really is. That is garbage. Yeah. So the corn, he's going to sing for us in just a moment.

Corey, good morning to you. Good morning to you guys. The angelic. I see it all around here. We see why. Tell me what's happening. You're lucky. You got a grim reaper look going on.

The angels are here. I don't like this interaction. No, you know, it's all actually the whole theme of the album is good versus evil, heaven versus hell. All that sort of thing. So they're angelic. And if you look actually at the artwork on the album, you'll see that it's me trying to crawl out of a fiery pit and it's the angels pulling me out.

It's 10 years in the making. It's along with the concept. Why is this, why, why this concept? How did he get on today's show? I don't know. But that's why this is so magic. I mean, probably because I know, but if you're, if you're debuting like a hip, cool song, is the today's show where you do it?

Well, you do it when you're a pop star, like all those, like Katy Perry, who does those pornos and like, uh, um, you know, like, uh, yeah, whatever, whoever the singers are, they, they do these morning cause they know there's millions of millions of people. How did he get on here? Do you think you had a publicist or somebody obviously there's some hookup or maybe somebody saw it and they're like, do you want to see something go viral for the wrong reasons? Well, that someone, the booker got fired immediately. I don't know.

Maybe promoted cause think about how many views that thing showed and saved me once or twice in my life and I like helping them as well. That's why I created Corey's Angels as a way to help girls who were like kind of lost and needed to find their way to get their opportunities, their dreams and make them realities. And that's what we do. We try to help them make their realities, you know, their dreams and you dedicated one album to Michael Jackson and the other to Corey Hame. Is that right?

Yeah. There's, there's actually four dedications. One of my grandfather, one to Corey Hame, one to Michael Jackson, Majestic, who was also a friend of Michael's. Majestic? There's going to be some MJ moves. Who's Majestic? It's kind of a similar style of dance because we grew up dancing together.

So he was my idol obviously and a lot of my influences. You have that feeling. It's about to go down in here. I also have it. Let's do this. We're going to go for it. Here we go. So you guys buckle up.

The dancing is something you'll have to look up if you're listening. You got it. You got to see this. We're going to play this song. And even if it's going on YouTube, you got to. Yeah. What did I say? Yeah.

He's feeling it though. I love it. He's really feeling it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it.

00:46:12,280 --> 00:46:13,280 Yeah. Here's the thing. The music's not that shitty. How is that any shittier than the shitty things they play on the radio? Yeah. That's just as shitty as anything else. I think it's the dancing.

It's like, you know, when a six-year-old is like, mommy, mommy, watch me dance. Mommy, look at my dance, mommy. That's what he's doing. Yeah. Where it's like, look at my dance moves, mom. Watch me dive. Watch me dive, mommy. Mom's like, I'm watching.

I'm watching you. Yeah. I really can't do this. What's going on? I don't know. So there we go. Back here. I wanted to pull up something else to show you at the same time as this was playing.

Here, maybe here I can do it. But there's, because it kind of, it kind of made me, reminded me of something else. I'd also like the host who's like, I had a Corey Feldman poster on my wall, like what you're a dude, though. Yeah. Unless you like dudes, did you have other dudes on your wall growing up, really? Doesn't this give you a little bit of a reminder of... Oh, right.

Right. It's just as shitty as that. Yeah. I mean, which is shittier? Oh, definitely Nick Hawk. I think Nick Hawk is the worst. This isn't that bad. Yeah.

It's not that. That's what I'm trying to say. Yeah. It's not that shitty. Yeah. It's not that bad. No. I mean, if you just heard it, you'd be like, yeah, it's not, it's not, I mean, I'm not

going to buy this, but you'd be like, it's all right. But the absurdity is the dance moves and that it's him and the dancing, the dancing is outrageous. Yeah. So great. Yeah. I think it's all over. No hope in life.

So what you're going to do? So what, what have you got to lose? The hair. So baby, baby, let's go for it. Come on. Let's go for it. We got nothing to lose. Now, so he even is rocking what ended up being a Michael Jackson style of hair.

You realize that? It's a mullet. Yeah. But I mean, Michael Jackson rocked that. Yeah. That's the point where he had long hair. Yes. He combed it back here.

He kind of pinned it back and then left some long. Yes. It's a direct style suck. Oh, but he's like, that's my idol or whatever, you know, but very much. It's interesting that Corey always chose late 80s MJ versus the early to mid. I always thought this was MJ's least, um, attractive era. I like shorter hair. I think this is even later.

This is like a 90s. Yeah. Mid 90s look like black or white. Yeah. That fair. That's interesting. Yeah. He really.

And the reason I think so many people made fun of him after this, besides how bad it is. Yeah. You could tell how sincere he is in it. But I like that. That's why it's good. I know it's, it's, I'm not faulting him for it. Yeah. But when you see someone trying really hard and it doesn't go well, then they go, they

come in on you hard. He probably has been just tortured since this, you know, well, you'd think that and you'd think that he may throw in the towel, but he hasn't. And like, he's been shit on a lot wings, angels, they love that shit. Uh, but he tweeted out, he's like, I guess, you know, everyone's talking about us. I guess the angels and I did our job. Like he doesn't, I don't know. There's something here that says it's really not going out going well.

Oh, really? Corey Feldman sobs while speaking out against today's show reaction were petrified to even go out. Oh, he says, when that experience becomes something to hide, there's like, I think there's a video of it. It got, let's see. He has not been able to get out of bed after the first performance. Oh no.

Yeah. This is his fifth album. I know that's what I'm, that's what I'm thinking is that maybe it's time to, you know, throw in the towel here. Man, this is, um, food. But what's going on here? What, what do you think is, what, how does this happen is when I'm trying to ask you from a, an emotional.

Feldman sobbed at a Facebook live post responding to his critics, for his now infamous performance on the today show. Friday he debuted his new song, Go For It, and the appearance received a bit of backlash. In his now deleted post, he said, quote, all we can say is that we tried really hard because we love our fans and we just wanted to give them the best show that we could, but we don't deserve these things that are being said about us are awful. Feldman was a popular teen actor in the eighties. He starred in the Goonies and the Lost Boys.

Wow. Yeah. There you go. Um, you know what I think it might be because he got famous so young that it's like kind of an arrested development thing. Like he stopped developing it like six years old. Yeah. He's kind of stuck in this age.

Yeah. Yeah. It says, um, it is delusional though. It is delusional. And I don't know. I mean, I think, you know, what the other thing is too is that you can almost blame the today show. Like if he had just made a video for this or something, it wouldn't be, but he's on the

today show. And this is like part of, like they fucking, this is the thing where they go, oh, Rihanna has a new thing. She's going to do it on the today show and they put him in that series. Wow. It's really weird of them to do that. You know? Yeah.

It's been really painful. I don't know. I'm sorry if it's not good enough for you, but you don't have to beat us up. Well, look at us participating in the beating up. Well, yeah. It was just such a shock. It really was like such a weird thing for me. Yeah.

It was just like, what do you, I don't know, man, what's happening here? Yeah. No, it's really bad. This is really bad. Yeah. The dancing is really, can we see more dance moves though? I like the dancing here. He's doing his, uh, his little, his little, you're not going to play the song.

Oh, okay. I thought you wanted to mute it to not, to not shit on him for, oh, that's what I like. Dancing. You can kind of see how, how it's a, if you were trying to dance like Michael Jackson, yeah, and they would teach you in stages, you know, like, well, first do this. He's doing like stage two of, of learning how to do it. Right. They're like, they're clearly amateur Michael, like entry level moves.

Yes. He's like, he loves Michael Jackson. He can't do Michael Jackson moves. Yeah. So he's doing, you know, little things that are dance class. Yeah. It's like, he's, you could see the little moves. He just, all the stuff that Michael Jackson did.

Yeah. It's just an interesting study, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, see, that's, that's totally. Yeah. Yeah.

All the, the foot. Yeah. But he does it like a six year old, right? Right. It's not good. Michael Jackson. That's not good. That's so interesting.

Well, I don't want the guy to kill himself or anything. So. No. It is just, I would say, man, just give up music. I know. Just give up your dreams. You know, that's terrible. It must be hard to have this desire in you so much.

Like, oh, I want to be a singer so bad, but you're really terrible at it. Yeah. And you just keep failing and failing. But then you, you listen to the secret or you listen to Tony Robbins and they're like, keep going no matter what. You're like, yeah, I'm going to keep going. Yeah. Like maybe not.

Yeah. He's throwing a towel. I'm dreaming so much. You know. I'm moving right along. Yeah. Can I ask you your advice on something? Sure.

Can I pick your brain on something? Yeah. So on a Friday, I had lunch with a friend and I had a kale salad with salmon. Yeah. And then I had violent diarrhea for like the next day. I just had really hot, sour diarrhea. Are you listening to me? I am.

Anyways, here's what I noticed happening. Are you paying attention? You have to pay attention to me. Look at me. Please. I was pooping and it was really hot and it burned a lot and I noticed that every time I'm done making diarrhea, I have to pee. It's a lot, a lot like the yellow, brown, yellow phenomenon, but this time every time

I have diarrhea, I have to pee afterwards. Okay. But why? I mean, I don't know. I think your body's just getting rid of everything. How is that weird? I don't understand. It's weird because when I sit down to brown, I make pee all the time.

Like I already pee before I brown. So it's, I'm empty, but then why would I make diarrhea? There's always a yellow there after. It's a really good question. Do you want to call a doctor or something? I do. Yeah. You don't have that?

Maybe that's just a girl thing. I think maybe you're right. I think maybe you're just so focused on, when you have diarrhea, it's more like your brain's like, oh, shit. This is intense. This is real. You know, this is not normal. Maybe you hold your peachy a little bit and then when you brown that out, you relax more

and your body goes, no, let the pee out too. Maybe that's it. I feel like it's something to do with heat. Your body losing heat or something. This is a really interesting, this is the thing you're like, Hey, let me bring this up. You didn't want to tell me earlier. You're like, I got something I got to talk about.

That's it. Of course. It's really good. It's really good. But I'm serious. You're not taking it seriously. I'm taking it really seriously. Maybe it's your loss of body heat and then like the peak gets made.

Yeah. Oh, you know what? Maybe that is. It's really interesting. I think we should explore it more, maybe some other time, but I don't think it's heat leaving your body. I feel like my body heat leaves when you have diarrhea, you know, I tell you the worst thing you've ever done.

Yeah. I wrote it down. You called me the other day as you were eating veggie chips from Traders Joe. Yeah. On speakerphone. Yeah. That was terrible. Why?

Just horrible. I was hungry. I hated it. Why? What was terrible? I don't know. What was terrible? The sounds.

The sounds. Yeah. The sounds. But you were on speakerphones. How could you even hear it so much? It was amplified. It sounds like. You got really like this.

That's what it sounded like on speakerphone. It was so terrible. Well, I didn't have the standima to, to not eat. I'll tell you say it correctly. You mean stamina. Stantima. Stamina. Stantima.

That's the right way to say it. Stamina. Stamina. Yeah. Stamina sounds wrong now. Stamina does sound wrong. Yeah. Stamina.

Stantima. Stantima. You know what you did? Stantima. See, and it sounds bad when Stevie says it. Yeah. You did something gross this week too. We were hanging out with the dogs and you, you were sitting on this chair in the, in

our bedroom and you called Bitsy over. Yeah. And I knew it was coming because I saw you pose for it. You farted on Bitsy's head, but your legs were spread open. Here's, cause on input kind of suggests that I sat on. Here's how it was. I was sitting in a chair with my legs open. Right.

And then she put her paws up like to come up. Right. So she's, she's standing on the ground. Her paws are on the chair and her face is basically in my open crotch. Yeah. And I felt like I was like, this is going to be a good one. You know. And what did she do?

She went like, she was like, that was awesome. Where's that from? She thought it was great. Yeah. Cause Bitsy loves the farts. And then thief doesn't. Thief doesn't like the smell of farts. If you fart in your feet, he gets up and he walks away.

He doesn't like farts. Thief is sown to self preservation. He knows like when the baby is going to pull his hair, he just takes off. Yep. Bitsy doesn't get it. Nope. He, Bitsy had his, had her beard pulled yesterday by Ellis. Yeah.

So hard. Yeah. That she cried. No. Her ear. Her ear. Oh. She hasn't learned yet though.

No. She uses that. Thief sees that baby. He's like, I'm out. Never going to get my hair pulled. So you farted in Bitsy's face and it was neat because I got to witness and I saw the ramp up. I knew what you're going to do.

Yeah. And I was like, are we just totally degraded now into just being frat boys with each other? Like do you not want to be romantically associated? I do. Absolutely. Of course I do. It was just such a good opportunity. I didn't know how to pass it up and you had on boxers too.

So there's only one layer separating Bitsy from that fart. And if I could, if I could explain a little more, I had a meaty kind of rich lunch and then I came home and I made fitness. So they were extra like, you know, I don't know. They were extra cooked up, you know, the system was going. So I had felt a few like really good ones leading up to that. I knew it was going to be good. You knew it.

You felt it in your heart. Yeah. Now how have your bowel movements been lately? You haven't, I heard it this morning. It didn't sound good. That was, that one wasn't great, but aside from that one, I didn't know you heard that one. I get all these hearing.

Oh, that one wasn't good. I hear through walls. Of course I hear it. That one wasn't nice. It wasn't very nice, but aside from that, it's been really good. Your diet's been better. And when is your colonoscopy? It's in, uh, next month.

It's in October. I think I'm going to have to move it up. Yeah. Cause I think I am traveling on the date of scheduled. You got to do it, but it's cleaned up since you've changed your diet a bit. I know. You haven't been eating fried foods or many carbohydrates. So that's an interesting thing to know and no sugar.

Yeah. Except. Yeah. So this morning it kind of went. Except what? You said except. Except for this morning. No.

The brown sounded really explosive. Yeah. I think, I think it was, um, you know, just like that early morning, you know, food made of, I was on an empty stomach when you eat on an empty stomach and it has any richness to it. You know, it still happens. Yeah. It was interesting.

I went to Silver Lake, uh, to have lunch with a friend and it was like taking a tour of all the restaurants from my past that I got diarrhea from. Yeah. It's, it's interesting how many places on the East side I, I used to get diarrhea from. Where did you end up eating anywhere good? Little Dom's. Hmm. It used to be a French place.

Uh, I can't remember the name of it. La Pubelle. No, no, no. It's on what street? It's on, uh, Hillhurst, you know, where Mexico city, that restaurant is. I've got diarrhea. There's so many times, Mexico city, Mixto gives me diarrhea every time I would, and I still eat there.

I've got Mama Yuccas. Don't you miss that? Yuccas would give me a lot of farts, but that's my absolute favorite Mexican place and all of Los Angeles is Yuccas in Los Feliz. It's been there for a long time. That is the best. Yeah. That is the best.

It's a little, it's a little stand. It's a stand in a parking lot and a bearded Mexican lady takes your order and writes it on a bag and you eat in a filthy parking lot. Yeah. And like birds take shits next to you and it's the best food. She's a big lady. She's hairy too. Yeah.

Makes good tacos. She doesn't really make them, but she sits out there. She sits out and takes, or it's her recipes, I think, but it was like a tour of everywhere I got sick. Cafe Stella. I remember we took Maria there years ago and she got diarrhea in the bathroom as we were eating there. Blair's.

Blair's gave me diarrhea. Really? They did? The Kali Wobbles. Oh yeah. I really liked them, but that made me sick every time. A lot of restaurant food is just really rich. Yeah.

They cook with a lot of butter in restaurants. Can we talk about the waegu? Oh my God. Get your life. Oh my God. Oh my God. I know. It's really good.

It's the best thing I've ever had. Me too. It's like buttery. There's American waegu and there's Japanese waegu. The Japanese stuff is like eating a stick of butter. Yeah. They purposely encourage you to get a small portion of it because they know how rich it is.

I could need a huge one of that. Oh my God. Like every bite. How do they get it so—do they force-feed it like Kobe? Probably. Like beer-feed it and massage the calf or whatever? Is it a calf? It's so fatty.

I don't know. I don't even know. It's delicious though. Yeah. That was a real special treat that we went out. We don't really go out to eat that much anymore. We used to love to do that. I said it all the time before, baby jeans.

Yeah. But you know, the kid sleeps at seven and by then we're just so tired. All we can do is watch, you know, an episode of flipping out on Bravo TV and then I fall asleep by nine. I go to bed even much earlier now. I went to bed at eleven last night. Oh wow. He used to be up every night, one, two in the morning.

I know. And if you left town, I'd be like, okay, I'm at five thirty. You were a real night out now. Yeah. Too tired. I am exhausted every day. I'm exhausted to the bone. You had your beard trimmed.

You can see it if you're watching. It's much shorter and it was cut a week ago. So you can imagine, dude, I had to get a rope. So here's the thing. When your beard starts to get really thick, you don't just throw the trimmer on it, right? Because your hair starts to grow on your face like it would on your head, meaning that it's better to have a professional trim it because when you're talking about long, bushy hair, then it's growing in different directions and different lengths.

So when you have a pro do it, they'll comb it like they would your head and shape it like you would your hair. So my guy is awesome. He's the best. And he's out of town last week and it's getting, my beard is getting like to a degree of mountain man that I can't even, you know what I mean? Yeah, it's feral. It's too thick.

So I go, can you recommend me somebody? And he goes, yeah, and he sends me this dude, good guy, pro guy, obviously. And I just don't give him any, it's my fault. I don't give him any heads up. Like he just goes, oh, what's going on? I go, well, this thing's out of control and I don't want to just throw the clippers on it. And he's like, no, no, you need, you need someone to shape that for you.

I go, yeah. And he doesn't ask me much more and he's like, all right, and he starts doing all the stuff that I'm used to this guy doing, you know, combing it, clipping it with clippers, like with scissors, like you would head hair. And then I go, yeah, down here. I don't know about, you know, pulling it up some, he goes, oh, yeah, you don't want to line. I just kind of blend it in and I go, okay.

He throws his clippers on like when you hear them, I'm like, yeah, yeah. And then he goes and clips it all off and I was like, and you can see it go down, right? Like, you know, when it, when they're fucking you, yeah, like, you know, it's, you know, it's happening, but you're like hoping against hope. Oh, maybe this guy knows what he's doing, maybe I should just hang back a little and not panic. And after like, um, uh, something really dramatic, you know, you can't go, oh, right. You know, it's too late to like, let's just see where it goes.

Yeah. It just keeps going and going. And I'm like, oh my God. And to make it even worse, I even go like, wow, this is really different than what I'm used to. Yeah. Yeah. You just turned almost the whole thing off.

Yeah. And you have to act like you love it. Thank you. Wow. Yeah. It goes different, but it's fun to see different looks. Yeah. This is fun.

Well, you came home and I was like, your eyes, your eyes fucked out. It's like when you had those replacement teeth. Oh my God. That was the worst dude. You got fucked. Like he fucked your beard. So bad. It's a little better now.

It's way better. It's grown a week. Yeah. I mean, your beard grows so fast. Thankfully that it wasn't too long looking like a dick, but dude, that guy jacked you. Yeah. We got to yell at Alan. Alan sent you there.

No, we don't need to yell at him though, because like I said, I could have, when he said how's it going or what's going on and I was telling him, I could have said the normal thing, which is, you know, it's way too big. I want to bring it down some. Yeah. But you should say to a new person, he doesn't know me at all. I should have given him some direction. Explicit.

Yeah. That's the secret. Yeah. It's long and he just went at it. And then he was like, let me, let me fuck your shit up. Yeah. You want to look stupid? I was like, oh my God.

When I stood up, I was like, man, this looks like shit. And then you can't really, you can't express your sadness because like you just, you just know you're never going to go back there again. It's a loss. It's a wash. We even talked about it. You're like, maybe you should just cut the whole thing off right now. Yeah.

I just considered it for a moment. And I was like, well, there's still some there. So it's probably better to not trim it more. In other words, it'll catch up quicker. It grows so fast on you. Yeah. Yeah. I, you know, I went to my regular masseuse and she's like, do you want to try Reiki?

And I'm like, I asked her, I go, does it feel nice? She goes, yeah, some people think, think it feels nice. You know, I wanted a massage really. I didn't want to try Reiki, but, but I kind of did. I'll roll with it. Yeah. I absolutely hated it because it's like one of those things where they just touch you. They touch your chakras or whatever the fuck.

And I fell asleep. I went through phases of sleep, anger, rage, like, stop fucking touching me. Like just fucking rub me. Like let's go. And I really like her and, you know, we, we just decided to try something different. So I had to pretend like I really enjoyed the Reiki like she goes, did you love it? I go, yeah. Thank you.

Oh, I loved it. What a neat experience. What is that thing too? It's like just being polite. Right? Yeah, you have to. I had that once in a hotel where I called the spa and I go, I want to deep tissue. And then I get in the room and it's like this frail older lady and I'm like, so you do deep

tissue, huh? And she's like, that's not really what I do. Oh boy. That's what I booked. She's like, wait till you experience what I do. And then she was just like, like, like just touching your, like tickling, yeah, like gentle touching. Like seven year old girls do what do you think?

I'm like, I think I like it. More pressure, more pressure, more pressure, I know. And she goes, uh, so I see her later. The Reiki lady. I saw her like a couple weeks later, this animal and she's like, so how did you, how did you feel? Do you have any breakthroughs? Did you have any weird dreams?

I was like, oh yeah. Oh, it was so. Oh, good. So weird. Thanks. I just can't even tell you because she goes, you're going to have a spiritual enema. This is like a spiritual enema. And I was, and I thought, well, that's two things I love.

Yeah. I like spirituality and I like shitting. So I'm on board. You thought you were ready to go. I thought I was in for a treat. That is your wheelhouse. I know. And then I got, I got real disappointed.

I got real angry. Yeah. It'll anger you. If you try Reiki. No, I don't want to. You will fucking go ballistic. It's so horrible. I don't like any of that life.

I know. I always feel like whatever strength you have, give it to me, all of it. She literally just touched my, my head for like 15 minutes. And then I'm going to, she touched my heart, my chest chakra. Just touched it. And then I'm going to, and I was like, oh fuck. I wanted to river in. Maybe because you like being kicked in the balls.

Like that? I do like being kicked in the balls. In the balls. And that, I'd rather get kicked in the balls and do Reiki again. Yeah. Fuck. That was enraging. And raging.

Yeah. And it went on for so long. It was a full hour of just soft touches. You did that for an hour? Yeah, dude. Oh, that's terrible. It's terrible. It's too long.

Yeah. If I want to take a nap, I could have stayed home. Yeah. I'm going to nap in your, in your table, man. Shit. You know what I'm saying? We have some, you know, I'm saying is here, uh, I think it's, you know, it's Lorenz Larkin. Let's see how he does.

Being a free agent. Uh, what statement do you think you made tonight with this performance? Um, you know, I think I made a pretty big statement, you know, I'm not even ranked. So I couldn't tell you if, even if there was rankings from one to 50, you know, I couldn't tell you where I was at. So, you know, I think it just shows a lot. You know, I took the fight on short notice and what, you know, and I, you know, you know, I, I finished them in the first round, you know, and, um, I don't feel like it was a

lucky shot. You know, I think it was just right from the get go, you know, sticking to the game. That's a lot of, you know, show, you know, where I was at in the division, you know, yeah, you know, it's not like I don't, you know, I see stuff on the, on the media and the internet, you know, and comments, you know, when, when UFC posts stuff and fight pass was posting stuff and I see the comments of fans like, you know, who is this guy? Who is he? I don't know what I mean.

Um, and you're a big, big proponent of separating, you know, you know, I'm saying, you feel me. You know, I'm talking about it. It's all different. So this guy would be in his own, you know, category, you know, Lorenz Larkin. Let's see a super cut of all his, I love the super cuts. Um, you know, you know, you know, you know that, you know, you know, I'm not, you know, You, know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, and you know, you know,

I'm not, you know, and, you know, you know that, you know, I'm, you, know, you know, oh, you know, you know, you know, you know, yeah, you know, and you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, but you know what? I'm, you know, you know what? I'm partial to you know what I'm saying? I am too. Yeah. I like, you know, but a to me, it's really, it's this, the special thing that I've

got to say is you know, I'm saying because it started that way with us. We, we liked, you know, you know what I'm saying, you know what I'm saying? Feel me. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm gonna tell you about me? You don't you don't talk about you feel me. You know what I'm saying?

You don't say you know. It's unreal. Man, I got a good joke for your dad. Really? Well, I told it to you. I don't want to. I just got to write it down for next time for your dad. Yeah, I tell him this one.

Let's see here. There's dad, there's. Wait, can I bring up a dad thing real quick? Of course. Remember, were you here when my dad? No, you weren't here. My dad came to visit with my cousin, Julie, and he was watching Ellis play on his little thing that he runs in circles on this

little toy. Yeah. And my dad goes, you know, pretty soon you're going to have to start hitting him. I go, what? He's like, yeah, I mean, you know, he's going to get a little older and they get a little out of line. You sometimes you just got to hit a kid. That's what they tell you. It's good.

He goes, Dr. Tony Grant used to say this, you have to hit the kid. Why? I was like, what? I don't think so. I don't even hit. I don't hit anybody in my life. Right. There's no one getting hit right now. I don't have the dogs. I don't hit anybody. Yeah. And if if if I'm not hitting you or the dogs and it's working out, I don't think we should hit him.

No. This is the one time I'm going to say we shouldn't listen to your dad. He's got great parenting advice. But did you get hit? Yeah. Yeah. A lot. Not like, no, there you go. No, but he would give me he's spanked with my parents were spankers. They would hit me with a wooden spoon.

The fuck on that is what they call in Hungarian. A wooden spoon. And Spanx. Yeah. Why do I would spank my ass as a kid? And he give me a cookie. Did I tell you this one where he knocks your head a cookie? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Really like knock your head.

It's really terrible, though. Yeah, I would never do that to a kid. It's very demeaning. Speaking of, you know, I'm saying, do you remember the song, you know, I'm saying? Yeah, by Ghost Crew. Yeah, I was really good. All time favorite song.

Yeah, it's so dope. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Like this. You know what I'm saying? So good. By that same French excellence.

You know what I'm saying? I'm the mayor of the mayor. He must be the mayor. I feel good. You know what I'm saying? Like this. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying?

You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? I'm talking about. I'm talking about. I'm talking about. Like this. Do you want to understand that? That's right.

That right there is. Yeah. But Ghost Crew, they made that song unreal, man. It's really good shit. It's one of my favorites. Wait, did you get hit by your parents? No, man, they're not spankers. They spent my mom spank me a few times.

And like the third time she I laughed and she was like, whatever. Yeah, that's always the key to getting hit as a kid. If you start laughing, then the power is gone. By the way, you want to see something amazing that somebody sent in? Uh huh. Bird Crasher's fat. OK, here we go.

This is pretty great. Where did they find that? Hi, can you guys see it? Can you guys see it? Who's this? Who's this? Burned Grizzler. Burned Grizzler.

Is he skinny? Is he skinny? No, he's not. No, he's not. Burned Grizzler. Burned Grizzler. Is fat. It's fat.

Oh, that's great. Hashtag. Hashtag. Birds. Birds. Is. Is. Fat.

Awesome. Nice one. Good work. Oh, wow, that was so great. That's really fantastic and he just texted me right now. Burt. Burt did, yeah. Bird Crasher's fat.

That's so good. I love when they involved children, school children. I know. We've had a couple of those already. It's amazing. So good. Amazing. I guess it's Japanese kids.

I think that's who that was. Oh, Burt Grizzler. Yeah, thank you. That's another one, Burt Grizzler. Thank you, Johnny Scotch, for sending that in. Oh, I have a couple submissions of horrible or hilarious. Would you like to? All right, let's see if.

Burt Grizzler's fat. Burt Grizzler's fat. See if this is any good here. Somebody on a motorcycle? So he ate shit. Oh, he's stuck on it. It got funny. So this is a thief.

He was stealing something. Well, then hilarious. He goes, oh, my God. Yeah, my leg. Me pierda is not a fart. Me pierna is my leg. Wait, pierna. Yeah, I like that because that's how they teach you in Spanish.

Oh, Dios mío, y hay que lastima. But nobody, I didn't think anyone ever said those. Yeah, pinches, lakras, pinche, kagras. Yeah. Someone told him to shut up and he was just like my leg fucking hurts so bad. Oh, so I didn't assault anybody. You faggot.

So I think he assaulted someone, stole something and crashed like this and now his legs all fucked up. Your legs all fucked up. God punished you. His leg might be really fucked up. Yeah, it looks like it's bent the other way. Doesn't look good. Oh, don't look good.

Oh, yeah, I'm just seeing that for the first time. It's all fucked up. Yeah, it's like stuck in there and then his body's turned that way. Oh, my God. Yeah. So he was he was trying to get away from his robbery. You know, what a. Imagine that you're going through that

and as you're going through that, people are talking shit to you. I cover on. Yeah, they're all yelling at him. What are they? So what does that mean? I cover on. Cover on. It's like, you know, fag asshole.

Good. That's why I love Latins. Like they don't they don't give a fuck. He's like, I cover on like they're so they're so chill. So real about so chill. I'm serious. Like Americans are like, we can't do that. You couldn't call someone affected even if they stole something.

Well, there they have to treat them with dignity. Like, no, you don't. If the thief fucking gets hurt. That's on him, dude. You're fucking cabron now. You know what I'm saying? That's funny shit. Que bueno cabron.

So that's like how good, like, you know, that's great. Yeah. Yeah, dude. They're saying, my God, they're really. Oh, my God. That's using some real pain. Sounds like it. Oh, my God.

So what happened? So these must be, I think he drove into something like the side and that's what this and he took it with him. In other words, with the with the power of the motor. Yeah. And that's what bent his leg. Jesus, man. Anyways, very funny.

I give that hilarious. I give that one funny. Yeah, that's really good. Plus I like the other dudes talking shit to him. Yeah, that's kind of my favorite part. That was pretty good. Yeah, I enjoyed that. Me too.

Like, come on, faggot, hold it together. This Master of Accents came in with a translation. You want to try it? It's actually familiar. We've seen it before, but we didn't play it as a Master of Accents. We just played it. I'll show you. You'll recognize us.

You've got no friends. You don't know, do you? You're fucking ultra-po-mo. I'm telling you. Oh, you're awesome. Huh? You're awesome. You're the ultra-po-mo.

You're awesome. You're great. You're awesome. Fantastic. You're fantastic. You're playing shit. You've got no friends. What do you want?

I don't want it. If you want some, I'll give it yet. I won't do it, mate. Come on, Jack, no more. I won't do it. So you want some? Yeah, that I got. You want some?

If you want some, I'll give it to you. Yeah, David got a third mate. They're playing shit. Yeah, and that guy looks like he's about five, three, maybe 130 pounds. Yeah. So you're just shit out. That's what it says here. You're just shit out.

You've got no fans. You don't know French. You don't know Durant. Dad, I don't know that. You don't know Durant? Yeah, you don't know Durant and Durant. Oh, that's the band from the 80s. He's like, you don't know Durant and Durant?

Yeah, I think so. Yeah, Simon the Bone's my favorite singer. Yeah, that's what he's talking about. Yeah, if you think you're you think you guys have fans, but no one here knows what Durant and Durant is. Hey, you've got no fan. Rio is my favorite song. Fucking ultra playing well. I'm telling you.

What do you want some? What do you want some? So that guy says the fucking Hawks are playing well. And then the guy goes, you want some? Yeah. You want some? He's got a teeth. What do you want some?

You want some? So he said, well, the Hawks are playing well, which I definitely did not get. Yeah, I don't know what the fuck he said there. They're wankers. Yeah, I got that. That wasn't that difficult. But there was a little bit of of nonsense there. Gibberish, drunk gibberish.

He's drunk. He's got no teeth to a little, a little drunk aggressive man is the best. So cute. Yeah, cute little guy in a fight. And I was like, oh, look, even that guy's being a little like, oh, that's cute. You're a little drunk in English. Kind of drunk. A little cut.

It's a little adorable. You dropped little cut. Um, I was thinking about maybe a new exercise program. Oh, yeah. Yeah, let's see it. It's called Mama Clean. Mm hmm. I've tried over a thousand ways to make my life manageable.

And quite frankly, I'm maxed out. Exercise to me has always been a priority, but it was always at the expense of a dirty gooey kitchen or hundreds of errands left undone. And I finally, I got so fed up that I worked out a quirky slightly off the wall. Little system where I can get it all done at once. Okay. She does like homemade. The Clean Mama program is an element of three things.

It's kind of like a triangle on one side of the triangle. You're going to have your multitasking exercises that I'm going to show you and how to really maximize your time on the other side of the triangle. You're going to have your diet. Now, don't confuse the word diet with something short term. But you get the idea of what she does, right? And then and then it's like workout while you're cleaning stuff. The second.

So which I suggest you do at least two or three times a week. It's creating your own personal boot camp. You just really knock it out. And she's a real go getter. These poor women. And then this is the best she with her camera thinks this is a really great opportunity sees a construction worker working outside and approaches him about lifestyle changes, you know, the second way.

Don't be. Yeah, no. Come here. No, no, no. Really? No, I can't. Does anybody else? I tell you, you've got to come on here.

We'll be here Monday. You talk to Mike. I'll come and talk to Mike. I just like to make a bunch of these. He's a good shape. Yeah. Nice and tall, black male, solid. Awesome.

Yeah, that's the wrong clip. That's the wrong clip. Take a look at what I gathered from around my house. It's your big clip is not the one. I got much smaller. My tits were back here. Look how much smaller and tell us. Do you ever have time to go to the gym?

Yes. No, you're supposed to say no. Well, say no. Yeah. And say I like to task or size. I like to task or size. So you maximize your time while you are doing your day daily routine and what do you do?

What do you do? Raking. Raking. So I'm going to show you how to rake so that you could really get a good ab workout in. You want to learn? Yeah, I like that. There's a part of this guy that definitely thinks there's a sexual connection.

Yes, that's the only reason he's talking to her. Say what? Yeah. I like to task or size. Whatever he says, he's like, yeah. I love it. I think he went to the same beard trimmer you did. All right, I need somebody to hold the camera, though.

Can I hold your pussy? I mean, yeah, I'll hold your camera. He just wants it here. Take the rake over here. Here we go. Now rake some leaves or whatever and really use your stomach to pull it in. Use your tummy. I don't smoke a cigarette while you do it.

And littering is not what we promote, but that's OK. That guy doesn't give a fuck. OK, rake, do your raking. Great video, great quality sound, great to ask the guy who rakes to rake. Well, and engage and use your stomach to pull. Do you feel a difference? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, he's like, this is what I do. She's like, do it. Do you feel a difference? Yeah. Now what I want you to do is hold this DVD up. Oh, my God. Turn it around and say Clean Mama Rocks. Clean Mama Rocks.

Now can you suck my dick? Yeah. Why don't you approach the guy that looks like he already works out? Maybe like not that guy. Maybe a guy doesn't want his abs touched at all. Oh, my God. He totally thought he was going to get with her. That's the only reason those dudes talk to you.

I feel like my balls kicked right now. Oh, I can help you. Yeah. Yeah. I'd love that. I'd love to kick some balls. Yeah. I love that.

And any ball. That's why I'm just going to kick you nice and hard right in the balls. Right in the balls. Right in the balls. That, you know, it would be good if that is Maria. I think so. She would really sell it. Yeah, I think so.

It's a pretty good idea. All right, James, you got anything else? Nope, just loving my heart. Um, thank you guys for listening to your mom's house podcast. We'll be back. Thank you. Your mom's house podcast dot com thousand ranch dot com for tickets to see Christina Thompson girl dot com for tickets to see me.

And we'll leave you with a chopper man chop dog song. And we'll see you soon. Thanks guys. My mommy. So I wanted to read some jokes to you and you tell me what you think of these jokes. OK, OK, OK, OK, OK, OK, OK, OK. How can you tell when a blonde sends you a fax?

I love blonde jokes, by the way. I don't know. It has a stamp on it. Love it. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. That's I love it. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. I love it.

I love it. OK, how can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer? I don't know. There's white out all over the monitor. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Why do Blonde's wear panties? I have no idea. To keep their ankles warm.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh my God. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh my God. What did the Blonde say when she saw this sign in front of the YMCA? I don't know. Look, they spelled Macy's wrong.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh my God. What are the best conversations of my life? I love just laughing, Tommy. I know, Dad.