Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 363-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: September 28, 2016

This week on YMH, Tom and Christina take a look at some great points about sleeping with your friends, try to pick a name for Tom's new stand-up tour, play another round of 'Horrible or Hilarious,' call Ryan "Sickle Cell" Sickler to figure out who coined the nickname, and much much more!

I know. How that is. Where's our sound? Why is there no sound? OMG, is that thing? That's sound. That's a sound. The final weekend of Oddball,

I'll be at the Shoreline Amphitheater. Friday, I'll be at Irvine. Saturday, and then Fartnix. Sunday, if you're in any of those cities. I'm doing the Oddball tour. It's been a lot of fun. We'll talk about the Texas run here in a little bit. But really a good time.

Then I go back to regular old, not amphitheaters. And I got to buy. Just those lowly. These lowly clothes. Normal theaters and things like that. Where you see people normally perform. I have a very special show in Ontario, California. One show only, one night only.

October 6th. Then Charlotte, North Carolina. October 13th through 15th. Cox Comedy Club in San Francisco. Saturday is already sold out. That's the 22nd. So you can only go, you know, it's the 22nd.

So you can only go Thursday or Friday for right now. New York, New York. Caroline's, Jude Orc titties. Caroline's on Broadway. Two shows already sold out. You got to hop on those. Raleigh, North Carolina. And then Louisville.

Fill Her Up Delphia. We just added a fourth show at the Trocadero. Please get those. And West Palm Beach. Come in to see you. We'll be back in December. Jeans, what do you got? Oh my gosh.

Seriously, this is it. This is the week I start my tour. I'm out of retirement. Out of baby retirement. I'm doing one night or September 27th. Tacoma Comedy Club. September 28th. I'm at Portland to Helium.

October 4th. Hyena's in Dallas. October 5th. Now the thing with Hyena's. And I didn't say this before. There's two shows. 7pm and 8.30pm. One is in the Plano room.

And then one is in the regular room. Yeah, okay. It's like it makes no sense. But now there's a 7pm in the Plano. And then 8.30pm. Whatever. October 5th Houston. October 23rd. Are you doing two shows in the same night? Yeah. A 7 o'clock and an 8.30pm

at Hyena's Comedy Club in Dallas, Texas. Why are you doing two shows in the same different rooms? In the Plano room. And then one is in the Dallas room. It makes no sense. It makes no sense. But hey, if you want to come to 7 o'clock

go to that one. October 23rd. Indianapolis. Morty's Comedy Club. October 24th. Cincinnati Go Bananas. December 9th and 10th. DCM Prove. How exciting is that? That's it.

There you go. That's what I got. Support her genesty. To royal genesties. If you're in any of those cities. I'm so farty today in yesterday. ThousandRanch.com for her. TomCigarette.com for me. Thanks for the fart note.

I'm going to bring so many farts. Oh guys, if you shop on Amazon and I hope you do, please use our banner. Go to yourmomshousepodcast.com. Click on the banner at the bottom of the homepage and if you're laughing as you normally would, it just kicks back some change to the show. Makes our lives better.

There you go. Alright. That's this. Oh my god. Oh my god. I can't wait for that. You know I was listening to the show and there was all these ads and it's like Joe Rogan does like three ads

and there he does three hours. Why don't you guys do what that guy does? If he does it, how come you can't do it? How come you can't put both your way out of it? Right? Why don't you put both thumbs in your kucho and pull them apart and then show us a sense of picture of that

and we'll put it on the show. That's our answer to your question about the ads. Those shows the inside pussy hole. I know I can hear the tears coming. I know. I timed it. Good. 16 minutes.

I mean 16 minutes ads. Are you serious? If you watch an hour program on television or if you listen to radio they have way more commercial. Joe Rogan, he did two ads yesterday and he did a three hour show and he's like your show's not as good

and you're not Joe and he only did two ads. Why come you don't do like he do? Why don't you bite the end of your dad's dick off and then smear the blood all over your face

make a video and then we'll play it on the show. Yeah. Come in your dad's balls. Come in your dad's butthole let him hear it. There's the answer. That's the answer you've been looking for. Okay.

Are you upset still? Are you going to cry? Are you going to change your diaper? I don't understand how fast forward works. Scroll. You know scroll motherfucker? Scroll. And by the way we're talking to like the four people

that messaged us out of like 200,000. Oh. Sorry. Are you going to hit me? Mine's on airplane. I'm showing you. Mine's on airplane. It's your fault? I don't know. Well mine's on airplane.

I couldn't have made that sound. God damn it. It's you? I don't know. Of course it's you. It's not me. I'm on airplane. Let's start the show. I'm so excited it was you. You know why you don't fuck your friends? I'll tell you why. I tell you boy.

You find them hideous. That's why you don't fuck your friends. This shit is big time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Don't burn in the fucking stands. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house.

With Tom Segura. And Christina Pajitzis. And Christina Pajitzis. Welcome to your mom's house. I tried something new with the sound earlier. I was told that if I did this quarter inch to eighth inch line in setup it would be better.

And it didn't sound as good. So I went back to the old setup. And we also don't have the new board yet either. Oh should we have a new board? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh should we have a new board? Oh I see it right there. Well why don't we hold it for the new studio? I mean why bother setting it up here. We're just going to move it in like three weeks. What if this is a piece.

I don't trust this thing anymore. I wanted to burp and then there was barf under it and I didn't. I don't trust this anymore. Why is that what failed us? The cable did. The cable did. We got a new cable in there.

The cable came with the board. And this board is kind of dog shit. Well then I guess we got to set that shit up. I need an engineer to come over. Yeah I'd like that too. That would be great. Guys we're so stoked. We're going to move into a new place.

We're going to have a fucking dope ass studio in a little while here. Way better than we are. Way better. It's much more advanced than we are. You guys are going to shit when you see it. I thought I was going to have. And then there was too much vomit under it.

I didn't want to push it. Are you sure you want to keep that couch in that room? In the room? Why? Because you can't kick your foot up. Dude that couch. Just so you know the sound studio we're getting. Yeah it's a real studio.

It's the guy who owns it. He's a composer. And he scored movies and famous people. He told us Michael Mann set on the couch. Diarrhea Richie? Guy Richie. I thought you said Diarrhea Richie. Ice Cube.

Ice Poop. Can you believe Guy Richie was married to Madonna? I know. How horrible would that be? He's the right cunt. He's a right cunt. But that couch has like stories to it right?

And Ice Cube farted on that couch. Yeah you're right. There's a weird stain on one side of it. Did you see it? What color? It looks like it has some type of water damage or something. On the left arm rest. So you're telling me you don't want the couch?

Well not because of that. I was just thinking of being able to relax. You know it's a relax room. You want to go in there and dad down? Well I thought we could watch movies in there also. Do you want that to be the movie watching couch? Here's a good point that our real estate lady said. That couch fits in there.

And you know that it fits there versus the unknown. But here's what we can do. The day of moving, we bring our shit there and we test it out. And if we don't like it, that company that we use they take away the stuff you don't want. So like no harm.

Okay. No harm, no fart. Oh my god I was going to say it the same. Guy, you and I are like married. You know why you don't fuck your friends? I'll tell you why. You find them hideous. That's why you don't fuck your friends.

She seems like she really has thought about this. That's smart. I like her. You know I love her but you know what she hasn't thought about? Getting a haircut? A haircut and a proper support bra. Because you can see her tits are not harnessed in. Yeah.

Maybe a whole new shirt. Shirts are magical. It's like a Gandalf. And it's like that spray paint style. Like a mall. Yeah like a mall made shirt and there's stars and shit. But her tits are real sloppy and they're moving around a lot.

Well let's see what she has to say. I think she might have more to say. You lie to them and say you're attractive. You should go out and find somebody. Well I found you. Why don't you fuck me? You think the thing is that she's desperate? Like is she making this because she's not getting laid?

Yeah. It's kind of angry right? She's on the receiving end of not fucking. She's like why don't you fuck me? That's really the agenda here. Would you fuck her? Yeah I'd fuck her. Now I'm being serious.

Why not? Because like she said she's hideous. What if it's her? I'm giving you permission. You have to fuck her. No. Do you have any other suggestions for fucking her? Our Guatemalan nanny.

Babe what is wrong with you? That's the whole point. It's a hard one. It's the essence of it. That's so fucking horrible. It's supposed to be. Well who do you bang? I look at her like a grandmother. I know that's the point.

I couldn't. I'd take this animal to do in these videos. This animal. That's such an old dad thing. That's what she is. That's what my dad says. This fucking animal. That's what I would do.

But that's what I'm talking about. It's like I don't know why we divide sex from our friendly relationships with people. Look you're two adults. You're not related by blood.

Fuck! It sounds like somebody's not interested. Here's my theory on this woman. She has a friend she's attracted to. An attractive friend. This is all her inner thoughts coming out

that she's wanted to tell this one friend who she's been dying to fuck. And for her it's like the logic is there for her and that's why she's spewing this out. But that friend doesn't want to fuck her at all.

There's not even any reciprocation. And it's such an easy fix. Don't you think just a little bit of makeup for this lady? A support bra. She's not bad. Clearly. Especially if you're posting this on YouTube.

It's real bad advertising. Why don't you want to fuck me? It's like a bad Facebook post but worse because it's you actually on video saying things. Imagine all of her friends that see this. They're all like oh god.

And he's saying it. Or whoever this is for. I don't want to use pronouns. I don't want to assume. If I were to guess pronouns, I think she's talking to her. I don't think she's into he's. She's zim zers. I don't think zer is into zims.

If you know what I'm saying. Not into genuses. Hey, what's your pronoun? What's your pronoun? What's your pronoun? With his cute little thumb rings. He's one of those dudes with thumb rings.

What's your pronoun? Respect. Do you know that we've gotten some emails in the academic world? Hi guys, we're doing one wide shot today. We forgot to say something.

This is how we're doing it today. Blue Band is working on another project. And this is to kind of save time and post. So anyways, we've been getting these emails from people in academia. And now it's

becoming the norm. Somebody signed off. It's like professor of this. Psychology department. Pronouns. Zims are his whatever the fuck. I think the craziest one. I'm going to start doing that.

We saw one, it was like Roger something. And it was like pronouns. He him his. Well, that is typical of a cis gender, isn't it? So privileged. I don't know if you've seen this.

But for a while now, I haven't made anything about it. I don't really get any attention for it. But I've been very This is my Twitter bio. I'm a comedian. Yeah. Tweets from Tom

signed fart. I love it. You know what they always do that for super famous people. It's like tweets from Tom Cruz are signed. T all the all those like really famous people have. I didn't like their team manages it. Right. But like if Barry Obama is like, well, those will

be signed. You know what I love is when people think you're famous enough to have someone managing your social. It gives me a thrill. I know. Or they're like, I don't know who manages your Twitter account. I'm like, gee, neither do I. Yeah. Get in touch with them. I get that on Facebook all the time. I don't know if Tom

ever really reads this. The truth is, I don't because I hate Facebook emails. So I check them like once a month. It'll full inbox. I'll skip over them. The worst, can't say the worst Facebook message. You got to see this

and a link. I go, nope. I'm never going to look at it because for some reason the video never loads quickly. Like it's like a. I also don't want to take that chance with what's the chance of like spending time seeing something I don't care about. Oh, yeah. So if they describe

something in an amazing detail, but when it's just like, this is hilarious. Don't care. Yeah. And nine times out of 10. It isn't. It's not. I'll tell you something. I've been sent a hundred times like, OK, Jesus Christ is my N word. We've been sent. Oh, my God. We get sent that daily to the show, to your mom's

podcast, gmail.com. And that's a fake thing. So we don't play that because we are aware. It's fake. No, it's stupid. But I'll tell you, people that send us videos big words to the show. Yeah, they're funny. Those are funny. Those are great. Yeah, not like

your dumb friends, you know, this shit. I was going to say, I don't know. I see more of this lady. Higher society where people pretend to care about people. It's like these poor people who are down syndrome, you know.

They're put into this world and nobody's going to fuck them. You might have people who are like high functioning. It's not true. And yeah, these people go, oh, I love these people. I take care of them every day. And I have a good friend who is he's high functioning, he has down syndrome.

And I feel like saying, did you fuck them? Did you fuck them? Did you blow them? And the guy could probably really use a good blow. Did you see him move? Man, she's got a lot of darkness inside of her. A lot of anger.

Yeah, and she only cares about blowing down syndrome. By the way, that's our biggest problem. I was sent a link to, I think the show is called Born Like This and I watched it. I was, I can't believe how informed I was on

like your assumption of all Downs people, like the how articulate and high functioning to borrow from our friend here. Yeah, these people were like two of them were married. One the guy, they were like, are you interested

in dating? He's like, I don't want to, like he talked like this. I'm not interested in dating a girl with Downs syndrome. And they were like, why? He was like, honestly, I'm not attracted to it. Like that was the level of the conversation. Like that. He didn't talk funny at all. No, there was no like, uh, affectation. He didn't go like, I don't want

to. Hmm. Nope. It's pretty nice of you to take it there though. But that's what everybody. No, but I thought we're having a nice time. But that's what everybody listening is thinking. Because you're tired. Because you're talking like

you're talking normally and everyone in their head is translating it to retarded. Yeah. That guy's not retarded. That's, that's the best part. What? Right. He's fully functioning and he just

makes it. Yeah. He just makes himself retarded. It was nice of you to go there. Not nice. Everybody's thinking. Okay. I'm just saying what the listeners know. No, the answer is no. They were like, Tom Segora.

I mean, I wouldn't take it there. He was like, guys, I don't feel like you're all, I don't want to do it. Would you find a Down syndrome? No, no. Down syndrome girl or her?

Honestly, this lady really scares me. I think there's some severe, look how, I mean, that looks like when you see somebody that killed somebody and you do a mugshot and you're like, especially when it's a woman, you're like, and they show that. I'm like, oh yeah, I see that.

Like Eileen Warnick. There's just darkness in her, man. She's angry. You know what? This is like a, like an East Coastie. Like, you know, some of them are so angry. Just because they're born on the East Coast. Because they're like, we don't have Starbucks. We only have Dunkin' Donuts.

There's no sunshine here. Oh, your mom's cunt. The citrus is terrible. You get a decent avocado on the East Coast. Everybody gets mad about that. Why don't you fucking blow them? Did you fuck them? For that to be your genuine perspective,

not at all on the normal register. And that's probably on the list of things a Down's person is concerned with. They fuck, by the way. But she's wrong about that. They have a lot of sex. No, I didn't download caffeine. Anyways,

every time this thing goes to sleep, I get 25 messages. Get caffeine, asshole. I know. And I keep forgetting. Okay? So, we're so grumpy today. I know.

I'm gonna put my foot up here. Yeah, she's grumpy. All right. Very comarginy. You know what? Straight women who claim they're trying to understand us poor lesbians.

You want to understand me? Got it. You want to help me? Okay. You want to help me? Any straight women out there? Lick my cunt. Lick it until I come in your mouth. That didn't do it for you? This is the equivalent

of some really sexually repressed dude. Yeah, it's a lot. Fucking asshole. She's that aggressive. She's like a dude. It's upsetting. It's like a bummer. How upset she is? It's unattractive, too.

What part? Is it all the physical features that are thrown together? No, it's not that. It's the attitude. Because honestly, somebody in the world would find her physical. She's not physically... If you're talking about after an adventure

maybe like digging through some caves there would be someone we could find that would fuck her. You said somebody in the world, I'm just saying that they're not around probably that much. But if you kept searching and you got like a group of people together and it was one of those things where you went, you know when they have like 70 people walk through the woods

and they each have a flash. Right, like a search party. Then they could find the one person that would fuck her. I got what you're saying. Yeah, you're right. You want to be a helpful straight women? Open up a nice little lesbian sexual clinic. And you can go in there and dress up in a nurses outfit

with a short skirt. And you can come in and go, hi honey. Time to get your sponge bath. And then you whip your kicks out and you rub them on my fucking... Rub them in my face. Yeah. She's so attractive. She's really crazy. I feel like I need to tell her

you know how you're going to get laid? Not that. Like I need to help her. How would you help her? First of all, lick up my cunt. Like that? Lick it. First of all, she has a positive attitude. Yeah.

No one likes a Debbie Downer like that. I know. It doesn't matter what you are. And then maybe change the t-shirt. Maybe wear a bra. I mean, I don't think she wears deodorant. Do you? I think she would be like, you know what? How about I will buy a new t-shirt

and I'll fucking wear some makeup. And then all you got to do... Lick my cunt. Lick it. She really throws it out there. Do you remember that one time when we were in New York City for my 30th birthday we were with Shawna and Ginny?

Yeah, three years ago I remember. Thank you. And we were in... What's their park? Central Park. Yeah. It's been stuck in my brain for 10 years. There's a woman who walked up to us

and she bummed, she wanted to bum a cigarette. And she was wearing a shirt. A t-shirt. Like a white t-shirt. With no bra. And she was young too. That's what stood out. She was young. She was in her 20s. She was like a cute...

But there were like slobbers. I remember just being like, I bet like for 20 bucks I could be like, hey, we eat my ass. Hold on for 20 bucks. And I bet she'd be like, all right. Like 20? No, she's like, can I bum a cigarette? I think she was, you know, down enough on life

that you could have been, you could have asked for anything. What makes you think she was down on life? Oh, she looked really, really like she was bummed out. Like she didn't belong, she looked like a runaway. Wow, you really remembered her. Yeah, yeah, cause I was like, oh, my wish crochet would take a walk so I could see what I could figure out with this check, you know?

Cause her tits, what was neat about and why it sticks out in my mind? Yeah. Honey, I can stick my fucking tongue straight at your fucking ass like this. Yeah. It's the way that they moved. Like you ever seen when the ladies, the burlesque ladies with the tassels, they go like boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

Her tits moved like that just from walking. From walking. But they went like this, boom, boom, until they didn't sync up, right? It was also one of those things where the four of us, it was the four of us. We're like, her tits are crazy. Everybody thought it was.

And it's rare when four people notice the exact same thing. They were like triple J's when you're an old girl. And like, Shawna and I still talk about it. I haven't seen the bus station for days now. She did not say that. She looked like it.

She did. She looked like it. And I was like, why don't you give me a fucking blow job? Jesus. You know, you're so aggressive. Bitch sitting over here. Fucking lick my cunt, you know? Jesus Christ.

You can use a good blow job. Right. That's what I felt like, that I could use one of those. She's very repressed. Yeah, she's angry. She's really angry. She's seen so many beautiful women that weren't attracted to her. She's left behind.

But it's her doing. It is. You don't see it. Whenever you're frustrated like that, it takes a while to separate. Sometimes some people never see it. It's not other people. It's you.

Because there's someone for everyone. I've been there. I've been in that position. You've been in a wolf shirt's position. Not in a wolf shirt, but I've been in like, this sucks. Everyone gets that. You get shitty.

You're sitting around an apartment and you're like, well, why not me? But you're not going to figure it out in the apartment. You got to get out of your apartment. Well, it's true though. It is true. It's her negative and her negativity is just going to repel other women.

Who wants to hang out with that? It doesn't matter where you are in life. You can't be around negativity. That is the kiss of death. I agree. People that are always complaining are down. That's the worst. Every shit on everything and everything sucks

and fuck that part. Those people are poison, man. Show your future. You're sitting around your apartment like, why don't you fuck me? Because the thing is, she dolled up a little, changed her attitude. Go for a walk.

Go to the bar, go meet other women. I mean, there's someone for everybody. Get another wolf shirt. Get another wolf shirt. Get some hairspray. I don't wear fucking makeup. You dumb cunt. I'll lick my cunt and I'll come in your mouth.

That's a cool thing to say. That's really aggressive, Tom. That's what she said. I'll fucking come in your mouth. Rub your tits on my face. We're talking about a woman here. Women have dark thoughts like that too, Tom. Of course. Do you have those thoughts sometimes?

Rub those big tits in my face or like, why don't you stuff your dick in my mouth? Yeah, all the time. Really? That's how I think. When you're frustrated, you're like, why don't you stuff your balls in my mouth? Make some guy behind the counter.

You're like, this guy's good looking. Why don't you stuff your balls in my mouth? Why don't you stuff your fucking balls in my mouth? I'll drain them. Excuse me. I don't think I've ever. Not bad aggressive. Kind of, yeah.

I want the meat and the potatoes, the dog in the bathtub in my mouth. But as a woman, do you have those thoughts sometimes? Aggressive section? Yeah. But that's usually in the act of or, you know, when you and I are ramping up all fun aggressive, not like,

Let's take me out of the equation. Let's say like way before we were together. Yeah. Did you ever have like 14 years? Right. But let's say you're, you know, I can't remember that far. You're seeing the guys. He's wheeling the trash back and you're like,

yeah, like he's wheeling it back to the curb and you're like, why don't you stuff that in my asshole? No. No. Why? Not like that. I don't, not that angry. She's angry sexual. Yeah. She's so hard up. Yeah. That her horniness has turned into rage.

Right. Like she's angry horny. What gives that away? Lick my con. Lick it. I don't think I've ever been angry horny. Yeah. What about you when you see that lady in front of the Vons and she's missing

all her teeth, but she's got that sign and she's got some free kittens. Yeah. And she's, her face is a little dirty and her beard has grown in just a little. Yeah. All right. I don't know what the hell was going on there. Stop again.

What's going on? Why is that about to close? What's going on? I don't know. Hold on. Hold on. Oh no. Why is this? Stop. One, two.

All right. I don't know. He's had some weird technical thing there with our fuck me, man. But it's recording. Okay. Yeah. It's recording. It's fine. I just got scared. I got scared. Did you pee in your pants? A little bit. Back to my question.

Yeah. You see the lady in front of Vons with a sign. Yeah. She's got the free kittens and her beard has grown in and her tits are a little loose because they're not in a bra. Yeah. She probably smells pretty bad. That doesn't stop you. No. That's the thing. If you paint a different

picture without the smells, I can, I can probably approach it. The smells are too much. So I've sat, I've walked by those ladies. Jesus. Yeah. The smell is overwhelming. So one of those ladies or our lesbian old lady.

I think this lady might murder someone. She's, she's so angry, horny. She's that angry. Yeah. She's horny. But she also has empty soulless eyes. Yeah. She's mentally all. Yeah. That lady without the teeth and the kittens, she's a little, she's nurturing and a little loving.

She's got to take a shower. She's got to. What if you brought her home and we show her? No. No. Why? I don't want to bring her home. A hotel. A hotel I take her to. A motel. Motel. Yeah. Yeah. It's not worth a hotel. No, no, no. Yeah. And then I'd be like, hey.

Hey. Here you go. Here you go. Use a few bucks. And then you'd have to shave up or cooch too. It's all fucked up. Yeah. What? How's your beard coming back in? It's not good. No, it's good now. It was bad last week. Yeah. You got all fucked up.

Your beard got all jacked. You got all fucked up. But now your beard's growing back in and it's starting to look good. What do you think? Tell me how you feel. I'm feeling pretty. I'm feeling better. Every day is better.

He really fucked me up. He jacked your fucking face. He jacked it up too. You look fucked up. It was really funny when you came home. It was really your face. I'll never forget your face because your eyes really were like, whoo. He got you. What happened there?

He got you. Every now and then a hairdresser gets you. Yeah. Every now and it happens. It just happens. Hey, I'm going to do a poll on Twitter. I just thought about this. What's the poll? I'm going to do what should I name my tour. Uh-huh. And I have I think three or four options. I know.

You what? Stanema. The Stanema tour? Stanema. Yeah. Stanema. Stanema. That's pretty good. I like Stanema. But I don't know if I'm going to be in my... What about fuck my beard? My beard sucks. Beard fucked?

I'm beard fucked. I got beard fucked, you guys. My beard sucks. Suck beard. Beard smells. I like beard smells. Oh my god. So loud. I like beard smells. I've always liked that one.

To the no. To the no. To the no. To the no. I was thinking hell to the no as the tour name. I like hell to the no. Okay, so what are your front runners? Okay, here we go. Here they are.

They are my hell to the no. Verifiable as a tour name. I don't understand that one. It's a play on a couple of things. It's like you know, it's check mark. Like Twitter. Yeah, yeah.

It's verified. It's verifiable. It's also I think a play on the sincerity. Like I could see someone doing that sincerely. Like verifiably good, you know. So it's like kind of a joke about that. Like, yeah, give me the check mark.

Fresh on parole is one. And then I have no teeth, no entry. Those are my leading tour name. What do you feel in your gut? I think I want to go with hell to the no. I like that one.

Hell no. And you just got your theme song. So when they bring you on stage. Hell to the no. Everybody, here we do it. All right, you guys, are you ready for your headliner? Yay. Here he is. You've heard him on your mom's house. You've seen him jerking off in alley ways.

Give it up for Tom Segura. Here you go. Hey guys, what's up Tom? I like that. Here you go. Yeah. Who sings this? Bishop Bullwinkle. Bishop.

And then your poster could be you dressed as the bishop. Yeah. What if I called my tour? Watch this bullshit. I love watch this bullshit. I can't put it as the tour name, but that's really fun. Why not? Watch this bullshit.

Watch this bullshit. What? That is the best clip. What were his other ones that he said? He goes, watch this. He was so drunk on the tour. The best is that when that happened is they were in North Korea

and they were doing a presentation singing for him. Yeah. And then he grabs the mic. Watch this bullshit. So loaded. What a dick. Oh my God. Oh, I guess there's also

I'm Polly and I'm by. Oh, that's a good one. No, the Polly and by tour. I know, but people are going to be like, wait. It's too confusing if they're not fans of the show. I know. It's like when you do a stand-up show and then podcast fans just yell shit out. Are you Polly?

But you know, you're like, I can't, I can't right now. You don't like beard smells. I liked beard smells. It's really good. What is a maze? Oh, this is great. What is a maze? So good. Oh, man.

Well, I think I think the answer you have it. I think it's held to the no. Yeah. Did you write down my? I did. I did kiss my pussy would have been good. Oh, kiss my pussy. Kiss kiss. I think it's everything. I think that's even funnier if you get a ticket

and it's like the kiss my pussy. Tom Segura presents kiss my pussy. Yeah. Or golden voice or whatever. Yeah. Presents the kiss my pussy tour. Kiss my pussy. Yeah.

That's a good one. So what are my top ones again? All right. You got held to the no. You got verifiable. No teeth, no entry. Yeah. I think that's top four. See, now I like fresh on pearl.

So do I. You know why it made me laugh when you just said it? Yeah, you chuck. And it's always a good thing when it makes you laugh. Yeah. But held to the no. It's so dumb. It's dumb, but it also has it's catchy, right? Yeah.

It's a silly name. And you can play that song when you come out on stage. Yeah. To sing it up. But fresh on pearl. It's stupid. It's very stupid, which amuses me a lot. Yeah.

Fresh on pearl. Wow. You know, it's tough. This is one of the toughest decisions we've ever had to make. Make a bridge and get over it. That's what I got to do. That's what I got to do, though, about this. It's a good one.

Kiss my pussy. Look what's here. It's a quarter of a piece of bread that I didn't eat last week. Somebody pointed that out, I think, in a tweet or something. Oh. I don't know why I didn't finish. I don't know why it's still here.

It's really hard. You were talking earlier about... Stenema. Stenema. Stenema. How it's important to have stenema. The stenema kid put together some raps. Oh, cool.

I think he's rapping... Someone said to me... He's rapping about social injustice, possibly. Okay. It's kind of exciting. Let's hear what he has to rap about. I can't wait to hear your raps. Stenema.

My desire is my desire. Yeah. My desire is my desire. Hmm. Can't quit with the dissing and the bitching. Mm-hmm. Of the fake artificial world. Everything's artificial.

These nerds going to fap into Victoria's secret. They're complaining they don't have money because they spend money on these twitch hoes because they can't control their desire. But the minute you call them out, it's politically incorrect. You're a woman-hated misogynist. This is political correctness.

Up the ass, political correctness. Hmm. Is that the son of the lady that wants me to lick her cunt? Or no. Because I see a lot of similarities. Yeah. Including hairstyle. That was not his best verse, I don't think.

No. I'm not inclined to continue. But do you want to hear one more verse, possibly? Oh. I think he needs to work on it a little. Yeah. Maybe just work on it. He talks about words in the second verse.

Okay, all right, let's give it a listen. I can't even look on my computer screen because they want to castrate me and crucify me over some political incorrectness. Can't even use the word slow anymore because it's wrong and they need me to take it out of the dictionary.

These people want to take everything out of the dictionary because everything's offensive to them. Okay. You know what? I was thinking, and correct me if I'm wrong. Yeah. One thing you really need to wrap is flow. He's got that before.

He's got it, he's got the look. So you're saying he's got the one thing you need. Got it. He's got the hair. He's got it all. Lyrics check. Flow check. Video check.

Got an email about the Poo Pile. Oh, bullshit. You're Poo Pile. Nice. Oh, boy! Thank you. Next up, brown talk. Brown talk coming up.

Thanks for your laugh. You've been warned. Hey, Jeans, I just wanted to pile on the heap in the Poo Story debate. Yeah, yeah. I am inclined to believe, Tom, because on Boy Scout outings we would do something similar. You were supposed to dig a sizable hole

by being fascinated by fire and fucked up stuff as teenage boys. We would use sticks, leaves, or we would, we could find a sizable sheet of bark to move the poop into a mound. We would then set the very flammable methane-lazed shit stack ablaze.

Best Ben Jeans. It's not exactly the way you described your Poo Pile. It's not exactly the same, but it's not even similar. I'll tell you why. You at one point lied and said that you had a ladder and that you guys would climb up the ladder.

That's not a lie. And hang your asses over the ladder and then shit off a ladder, which is almost impossible. Not off of a ladder. It was a ladder on a tree. It was like, there were steps someone hammered into a tree.

So you could climb up a makeshift ladder and then on the tree there was a like a seat, like a ledge you could sit on and shit from the tree. Stupid. And then you keep adding to the lie. I'm not adding.

Why would you do that? Why would you go through the trouble of building a makeshift ladder on a tree so you could climb up it and then shit on the pile. So you could poop on the Poo Pile. That's a lie. And then people would

drop what they were doing. The children would come running from miles to shit on the Poo Pile. The neighborhood kids, you'd see they would drop their ice cream just to do it. It was really fun. I'm not.

Guys, don't believe Tom Segura believing this guy. We got another email from a listener that says hell no. My husband is now using a double pipe classic excuse to fart all over the place.

Thanks guys. I blame you both. No more double pipe classic mythology. It's low and loose, Jess. Okay. Did you hear it? Did you hear it? See, I can't do that with blue bands in the room. I feel like it's too much for him.

I'm his mother figure. I feel like he can't handle it. He doesn't have the stantema. You heard it first here. Sorry, blue band. No farts. Hi, mommies. I'm a huge fan of your show as well as

Mommy Jean's That's Deep Bro which is my weekly jam that keeps me sane. Normally I wouldn't chime in but after listening to your last podcast I had to say something. You guys were talking about naming your next born Carl's Jr. Well, I have a one...

I forgot about that. I have a one and a half year old daughter whose exclusive nickname is just that. I nicknamed her Carl when she was just a newborn and somehow it morphed into Carl's Jr. My super uptight mom always has to throw her two cents in

about how I'm screwing up my kid and giving her gender identity issues because of this. I say in an era where people name their kids Cherry's Waffles Tennis and Apple Race Car Whatever this nickname is totally acceptable considering she has a normal girl's

first name for all intents and purposes which I typically call her in public. My hope is that you guys can weigh in on your weird family nicknames you were called and ones you plan on embarrassing your kid with. Also, am I fucked up? Am I fucked up here for calling my kid this hilarious nickname?

What's the long term? Damage. Thanks, love y'all. Zoe, I have to say, you're talking to nickname fanatics. We have ten nicknames for everybody. If it's a problem, we're in trouble. We have a lot of nicknames for ourselves,

for each other, for friends. Many of you know our good friend Ryan Sickler. I started calling him Sickle Cell about ten years ago. No, I started calling him Sickle Cell. No, you didn't. I called him Sickle Cell. I'm sorry. You need to get your life

because that was mine. No, no, no. I've called him Sickle Cell the longest. Wrong. Sickle Cell was mine. You're lying now. No, I'm not. You like to claim things that I did. After Sickle Cell anemia.

Babe, I know what it's named after. I know what I called him Sickle Cell. You're going to claim Sickle Cell. Of course. I said it, then you laugh. And I remember when I told it to you. You do not remember when you told it to me. No, you laughed and then you go, we can't call him that. That's so inappropriate.

And I go, that's the fun. He's a comedian. It's fine. No, you're so crazy. You're going to get... You're so crazy. You don't even know what Sickle Cell anemia was at the time. What are you talking about? You don't know these things like I know.

Anyways. Let's ask Sickle Cell. Okay, let's ask him. You want to call him right now? He doesn't know who invented it, I don't think. Maybe he'll have a recollection. I think he's going to say it's me. Well, that's what you're claiming.

So I would assume that you think that. But then how does he know who invented it? Because I could have told you at home to him and then he thinks you came up with it because you were the first to say it. You have a reputation. Oh my God. Your reputation is a shaky memory.

Okay. I don't think it's... First of all, that's so fucking bullshit. What? You're such a bullshitter. You're smiling because you know you're lying right now. I think it's so funny that you... Everything that I say, you're like, I thought of that.

Oh my God. I said that first. I did say that first. Oh my God. I fucking hope he answers. I hope he does too. How come it's going? He's not going to answer. It's some weird subscriber number.

I know. Dammit. You're so... so full of it. I named him that. I thought of Sickle Cell. Okay. I'll just give you that bone.

So Christina heard me say something and then said that she did it. You're such a shitbag. Next you're going to say you came up with El Chapo. That was mine. El Chapo is mine. El Chapo.

I called him El Chapo first, the baby. I'm the queen of nicknames and songs and you even told me that. Thank you. But you didn't come up with Sickle Cell. Oh my God. That is one thing I know I came up with is Sickle Cell.

You're such a shitbag. You're a liar. I'm embarrassed for you. I'm embarrassed for you. Where's your fucking water? What are you drinking? That's not water. It's salted flavored water.

I'm the real water. I got a lot of tweets from people who saw your shows in Texas reporting back to me you had no water on stage. I did have water on stage. But you didn't touch it. I did 20 minutes sets.

So what? I don't go 20 minutes without hydrating. Well look at your Yorkie sip. It doesn't matter. I do frequency. Now let's talk about nicknames. Did you have any embarrassing... Hold on. Let's go back to this.

Not about... You named them Sickle Cell. So the point is we call our friend Sickle Cell which is for people that don't know what's going on and then they hear you go, hey Sickle Cell, believe me,

we've seen people turn... Even one of our friends heard the nickname ended up working with Ryan somewhere years ago saw him and yelled out in an office setting Sickle Cell. And she said this guy popped over the... It was like a cubicle and he went like Sickle Cell.

Yeah. And then Ryan was like, that's what they call me. Because I came up with it. You thought it was so offensive. You wouldn't say it for the longest time. I called Ryan Sickle Cell first and he went and then you hopped on board.

That's how it worked. Okay. Remember... when you went to the dentist and then they're like... I had the same thing happen but not with the dentist. That happened to me too. Oh my God, it did happen to me.

Remember when you studied in Spain for a semester? I did not do that. And I know I did not do that. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. I guess such a dad laughs now. Can we talk about this topic though? I like this idea. Okay, I know what your parents called you.

Ha ha ha ha. Let's just laugh you out now. I know, it's coming. I'm turning into a top dog. Your parents called you the king of the dumps. The king of the dumps is my dad calls me he calls me big dog. Yeah.

For a while it was like when I was a kid it was kaka maker. King of the dumps. Yeah. You know. Stuff like that. They call me Cristica. It's like a bull.

As in a horse. There's some rhyme in Hungarian. Yeshika ho. Yeshika ho. That's right. Tell people what that song means. It means the snow is falling. The horses are farting.

The little is to a horse. It's taking a shit. It's a Hungarian It's like a children's song. Yeah. There was a time when we called each other low at the end of it. Cristal low, poppy low.

So they called me Cristal low. Why did they call you that? I forget. Low. We just added because that song was around our house. Yeshika ho. Cristal low. And we were just singing a lot.

So I became Cristal low. Yeshika ho. Cristal low. A lot of times you walk kind of horse like. Not true. You kind of have like a prancing horses kind of walk. I feel like. Not true. I have bird energy.

Bird energy. I'm more of a bird. I like to perch and I look like a bird more. Yeah. I don't have, and I have dog energy. Yeah. Like a Brussels. Horse legs though. You have horse legs. How? Thin and beautiful? No, very shapely.

Muscular and strong. Why are you making fun of me? How strong I am. Because I've seen you do squats. You saw me doing them this morning at 5 a.m. Yeah. We got a lot of nicknames by the way for our son. I know and I just, what I did and guys,

if you have children, I recommend doing this. Open up an email account for your kid. And then send them emails when they're babies. And then eventually, you know, they can read all this stuff. And actually at the same time that you started doing that, which I think is wonderful, I'm going to send them an email as well.

Please don't. Why? He doesn't want to hear from you. He told me. Okay. Nathan Timmel, comedian, sent us a letter, sent us a book. It's called It's Okay to Talk to Animals

and Other Letters from Dad. So he's a great comic, buddy of mine, used to live here. And he wrote, he wrote a book. It's a collection of letters that he wrote to his daughter. It's the same day you started doing that. It's so crazy.

It looks like Nathan's written a bunch of stuff. Oh. He's got a bunch on. Where can you buy Nathan Timmel's books? Just go to Amazon. Amazon.com. Look up Nathan Timmel, T-I-M-M-E-L. And this book is called,

Like I said, It's Okay to Talk to Animals. But he also has, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Holy shit. Well, good for him. Go get his stuff. So anyway, Chapo has a few nicknames. El Chapo, Chapito,

LJ, Little Jeans, Baby Jeans. And lately it's been, he's been called Skeetlebops. I call him Skeetlebopper or Skeetlebops. Skeetle. Because these Skeetlebops are around now, which is adorable. You, I call

Farts, Shitbeard. You don't call me Shitbeard. It's a lie. You're calling me usually Jeans. Jeans. Tommy. Tommy. Salami. Tommy Salami. What else do I call you?

Farts? We call each other Farts a lie. Farts. Farts. I call you Tina. Mommy, we call each other Mommy. I call you Tina, Mommy. Jeans, Slappers, Hangers, Monster, Monster Tits. Monster Tits, you do call me a lot.

That's fun. Sweet Hangers. I don't know. I think it's about it. Kissy Face. Kissy Jeans. The dogs will have Bitsy, Schnitzel. Schnitzels, Bitsels.

The Bits. And then Feef. Feeferoni, Pepper Choni. Pepperoni. Feeferella. Feeferelli. That one was my favorite one. Sandercheli is the dress maker on my big fat gypsy wedding on TLC.

Yeah, so you're calling him Feeferelli, Sandercheli. That was fun. Feefo stinks. Yesterday he really smelled bad, yeah. He panicked and he emitted this horrific smell that we read about. It's, I guess, normal. Because he gets anxiety when

we were only gone a couple hours. We left wrong. We left all at once in front of him and he panicked. And also the room got dark. Oh, that's a big reason. And then Bitsels wakes up like, Hello. Did you leave?

I took a nap. Totally normal. She's so balanced. Are you ever coming back? I thought you left forever. Am I going to the shelter again? By the way, I think the Carl Jr. Nick name is I'm going to do it.

Absolutely, you can do it. My dad called me a horse. I'm great now. Look how high my self-esteem is. You can definitely let it go. Say it a lot. Just at home.

Just as long as you don't make that her full-time name. And please let her define her pronouns. What is her pronoun? Have pronouns. Child abuse. Child abuse.

You know what's interesting, speaking of baby jeans. You and I went to our first baby class together. Really fun. No, no, it's two now. We've been to two. And you pointed out how annoying it is

that some of the other parents are rude. That they don't even acknowledge and say hello. How are you doing? Eye contact. Is it that hard to say hi to the other people? There's like nine of us.

I know. You're all sitting in a circle. You're the kind of people that make an effort to take your baby to this kind of thing. And then you see their kid. You're like, oh, what's his name? And then they'll say the name.

And then they don't ask you, what's your kid's name? And he's like, it's Jimmy. And you're like, all right. This is like a playtime. Yeah, it's so rude. I mean, you don't even have the goddamn manners to make, you know, polite chatter.

What are you looking for? What are you figuring out? Something. Is it sell me? No. It can be. Can we do that? It's been a long time.

It's been a long time and I got very nervous that our Persian lady had disappeared on us because the last we heard she was putting bags in the trees. We thought she'd figured it out. Yeah. I wanted to know what that farce leaves. She went away for a long time.

June. June. I thought she'd realized the wrong number. The phone to me are that the person who's leaving them never hears back from whoever she's contacting. Whoever you're contacting sell me.

hates you. How about you just stop. You guys aren't friends. There's no love there. Sell me. Sell me. I assume you heard my message. I called today.

A different number than you texted from. If you think that sounds good. I got your text. I thought that I should. Sell me. Sell me.

Sell me. Sell me. Sell me. Sell me. Tell me. Sell me. Sell me. Sell me.

Sell me. Sell me. Sell me. Sell me. Sell me. Sell me. Sell me. Sell me.

Sell me. Sell me. Sell me. Sell me. Sell me. Thank you for your talk. Thank you for your talk Salome. Thank you for your talk.

Thank you for your talk Salome. Thanks for your talk Salome. Wow. So it looks like they've been talking again. Yeah. Apparently not about phone numbers that work and that don't work. No, not at all. Anyways, so we have a number of listeners that speak Farsi that translate for us.

So hopefully one of you will listen to that and send us a translation. Your mom's podcast at gmail.com please put in the subject title Salome translation. I'm so curious to know what's happened to her in the last three months. So much. We don't know. We know that she put bags in the trees to keep the squirrels away. For meeting the figs. For meeting the figs.

Is that what it was? Yeah. Yeah. Somebody sent a picture from like, I don't know, Reddit or something of that being done somewhere, you know? Oh. That's a thing that people do. They put bags over the figs.

Over fruit on trees. Oh. We may have to do that. We got a fig tree. But it was a tree with like 30 plastic bags tied on it. So it's totally crazy to do. You may as well let the animals get it. That's a major immigrant move for sure.

Oh for sure. Yeah. Remember when you're, you told me a story of your Nana. Yeah. She couldn't believe there were lemons. Yes. So she squeezed every single lemon from a lemon tree. Yeah.

In a, in a Ziploc bags and then put them in the freezer. Yeah. So your freezer was just like full 50. Well. Ziploc bags of lemon juice. Of lemon. And you're like, what? And no one likes it.

So my father, we had a lemon tree back in the house. We lived at, this is when I was a teenager. Yeah. And she lived in Canada at the time and she grew up in Hungary. Yeah. Where they never saw citrus because of communism. There was no fruit. Yeah.

So she came to LA to visit us and she could. Also the climate, right? And the climate. Yeah. She could not believe we were wasting. Free citrus. Free lemons. Yeah.

So she juiced and I mean it took days and she juiced every single lemon and then put the juice in a Ziploc bag, a regular old Ziploc and then put it in the freezer. And we used the freezer that was in our garage that my father used for fresh gun beer. Like, you know, he only has like a fresh gun beer. It's a real dad move. Right. Yeah. And she took out all the fresh gun, the beer and just stocked it.

Oh, I didn't realize it was that much. Yeah. It was, I mean, it, I'm not exact. It was bags. What did you, would you get thrilled when you found out? Live it. Live. I mean, what the fuck are we going to do with all the fucking lemon juice?

I mean, I don't even need the shit. But what happened was, so she took the lemon, she made lemon cakes, lemon juice, lemon bars. She really used it. She used everything. And then she went back home to Canada and we had these bags and sure enough, my dad actually ended up making lemonade a lot. So it was a good thing. And we used them for years, like years later.

Fresh lemonade is delicious. Certainly is Tom. But what a pain in the ass to make. I hate lemon bars. I hate lemon bars. I hate like a lemon cake. I hate lemon cake or lemon meringue. I hate lemon or key lime pie.

Oh, the loving grozer. I hate key lime pie. So, so, so disgusting. Lick my pun. You know what I hate? Lemon bars. I fucking hate lemon bars and I fucking hate orange marmalade with like the orange peel in it.

Yeah. I don't like that either. I don't like the flavor of, of jam. Orange? Mm-mm. I'm not a fan. I don't mind the flavor. I don't just want the, the rind.

Maybe I'm a child, but if I, if I'm going to put a jam, a spread on something, I like strawberry. Yeah. Grape. Brosteries. Yeah. Grape's great. Yeah.

Brosteries. Good. Raspberry maybe. That's it. I don't like the seeds in the, in the jelly. Yeah. I like, I like apricot anything. I mother used to make a strawberry marmalade.

Oh shit. It would take like, you know, six hours or something. No shit. Yeah. I remember doing it and it was, it was so delicious looking back though. You would just take like cups of sugar. Right. You'd have this boil going.

So bad for you. My God. But it was incredible. I wish your mom would do that stuff now. I know she's old. You know what, and I, you know what I used to say. Tired. Like you eat things like I would never put these together.

She would take toast, put butter on it. Yeah. Put that strawberry marmalade. Yeah. And then a piece of monster cheese. Yes. My dad would do that too. That's a very like foreigner tree.

I never saw that in American households. You know what, my dad would pack for my lunch for a sand, a lunch. It would be butter and jam, strawberry jam and butter for a sandwich. Yeah. Or butter and salami. Yeah. I mean, is there anything grosser? He's a goddamn, he's a cockroach.

He's an animal. Yeah. I mean, how can I trade? Anybody for that piece of shit sandwich? No. And then a can of like Chef Boyardee. Butter, salami. Butter and salami.

Your stomach would hurt. Oh my God. Because there's so much grease. Yeah, it's really rich. It's grease and grease. Nice healthy lunch. I mean, and then a can of ravioli, Chef Boyardee. It would be like orange, electric.

Yeah. That pasta. I like that. I still like it. I would still eat it if I knew it was terrible. So funny how guys operate. And I'm nervous because I'm leaving tomorrow and the next day. And you're going to be alone with the baby jeans.

I'm terrified. He's going to be, his fingers are going to be in all the sockets. I'm going to be like, you want some steak? Yeah. Give him some steak. You feed him hot dogs and shit while I'm gone. Hot dogs and sausages. Oh my God.

I already told our nanny to make food for him so that you don't. That's what he's been doing. He got to keep an eye on him, right? Yeah, I'll keep an eye on him. I'm going to watch. He's my son, of course. Oh my God. You're nervous?

But you have to change his diaper and stuff too. I do that all the time. You can't wear the same one all day. Talking about. Could you talk about that? Let's do a little horrible or heinous. Ready? Hilarious or horrible?

You want to do that? Yeah. Yeah. Let's see what we got here. Who's that? I see where this is going. Lighting a cigarette. Yeah.

Something tells me, you know. What's he doing? He's got a big open flame. A glass. Stupid idiot. It's lit up. Oh no. Oh no.

Oh no. Oh my God. You didn't laugh? No. You know what? I got scared for him. So did I. So.

Because I had a friend in college who would light his hand on fire when we were drunk as a joke. He would put rubbing alcohol on his hand and then light it and then one time of course he burned himself really bad, really badly and, look at the joy in your eyes. You haven't been that, we went to the new house today and I didn't see you smile like you just smiled. Yeah. Right?

We just bought a house for the first time. Look at the joy in your eyes. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? I'm being serious Tom. The joy, the smile in your eyes, you don't get that any time else. Then when I see somebody get hurt, this is crazy, this kid.

I hate it. I don't want to see it again. It's like the last. It's like the last. Oh. Shit man. He spills it. You know that can happen so fast?

Yeah. Look at that. What the fuck? He's lucky his buddy was there to help him. This fire is picking up. Yeah. Fire is nothing to fuck with. No dude.

And you know boys love to play with fire. I love to play with fire when I was a kid. I should, you know, I went to high school with a kid that was convicted of arson. Really? Yeah. What did he said on fire? Florida State University. Oh shit.

Yeah. Yeah. He, he set fires there. What a dummy. Yeah. Pretty crazy. Is he still in jail? No.

He got out. He got out, um, he got out years ago, but he, I think he may see, he probably did like three or four years. Oh my God. Federal Penitentiary. Yeah. So he just set the school on fire? He set fires on campus and he got busted.

Yeah. I get it. You know, young boys in fire, they just love it. I mean, he wasn't that young, you know, he's like, well, 19, something like that. You know, your brain's all fucked up when you start setting, uh, buildings and stuff, you know, start setting fires in the library, um, I'm sorry, where in the library. Yeah. You can, you know, he could have killed somebody.

Absolutely. So this isn't like little, he wasn't doing, Oh, check out this little gag I'm pulling here. He was trying to set deliberate fires, you know, cause major damage. And he had, I'm saying like he had real, real issues, real, real problems. Yeah. Homeboy, he wasn't, he wasn't doing well. Yeah.

Yeah. Um, I know it went to sleep behind me anyways, it's probably cause you're so thirsty and dehydrated. Yeah. Oh, what? Um, hold on. I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm talking to a sickler. Oh, you mean sickle cell, the name that I came up, but you're going to lead him.

Right. Yeah. Anna, you're leading the witness. You're leading him. I'm not leading him. He's going to say you because you're his best friend and you're asking. I'm not asking. Uh-huh.

No, I'm not. I really, I really want to get an honest opinion from him. He might, you know, might say the, uh, what you think, you know, he's not, yeah. He's going to side with you because you're his dumb boyfriend. But why? Why would he do that? Cause you're his dumb boyfriend and you're going to lead him. Okay.

Let's just, uh, Yana, Yana, I want to get, I want to get the honest take from him. I really sure. Okay. I do. If he gives you, if he gives the crown to you, I'll accept it. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Gg owns new hat. Can we remove the bread though? No, if he likes it, he says I can call him. Let's see. I know. Oh, you guys are both, you're texting him right now. Say I, say I made it up. You're texting him right now.

I'm not. You better submit those texts for transcript text, Yana, to the court, submit the text to the court. Okay. He says to call him. So you're a lying liar. Like your poop pile lies. Okay.

Let's see. What's that? What is that beeping now? Why does it do that? Is it your shits all fucked up? My shits all retarded. Is it going to do that through the thing? Oh, is that you that there was, I just saw a missed call from the numbers.

Is that you? It's me, buddy. How are you? We're doing our podcast right now. Hi, Ryan. Sickle Cell. Hey, Sickle Cell. What's up?

Hi, CP30. There you go. CP30. Hey, man. So we've been having this debate. It got pretty heated and we needed you to weigh in on it. Who gave you the nickname Sickle Cell? Man, that's a tough, that's a tough one.

There you go. Should it be? Because it's the answers. Well, let them, let them decide. Let them think. Because, I mean, I'll just tell you, we both claim to have done it and, um... Clearly you both claim it or you wouldn't be calling me on a Skype call during the podcast.

Yeah. It got real, man. It got real. I loved it. I love that this matters so much. Yeah. Which one of you gave me the horrible nickname Sickle Cell? I took out my wedding ring.

I'm so upset. Yeah. You're actually defending it. Who did it? Yeah. That would be something I'd be like, nah, nah, you came up with. I'd be totally cool with that nickname. We're like...

I'd be like, nah, you're the piece of shit to give me, black cancer nickname. Um... I know, but we really are trying to claim it, but so you don't recall though. Let's be honest. Right? Sounds like it. I'm going to run into my head now. Here's what I do recall.

I feel like... I feel like the way Christina says it, I feel like I've heard it more, but I really felt like you started saying it first. That's how I feel. Yeah. That's how you feel. That's because I developed it first. I know my therapist says to go with my feelings, so I feel like...

I feel like you just spoke, you know? How dare you, Ryan. I invented it. Clearly you feel like you needed to call me. Yeah, I do. What's your feeling? I'm going with my feelings right now. I feel like it was T-buns.

Oh my God. I'm sorry, Christina, but am I wrong? Yes. You can... But here's the thing. I'm malleable. So if you can go remember this, I could go, oh yeah. I do remember that.

Because I feel like I invented it and then he was too chicken shit to call it to your face and then I did it first. Me? I'm chicken shit to call it to his face. To call him sickle cell. You didn't want to. You thought it was too expensive. I'll tell you the best way to solve this is after...

Call Puddin. Call Puddin. No. We're definitely not going to do that. We're... Do you remember when I came to see your... To Brian's screening, and I walked into the movie theater and in unison you both screamed sickle cell and everyone, including African-Americans, in the theater looked at me.

So I feel like maybe it was a joint venture. That's a better answer. That's a good answer. We were going through Nicknames that we have for family, for friends, and that's how it came up. And you actually just brought up one you didn't even bring up was Buns. Buns. Obviously, you call me Buns.

I don't call you that. You call me Buns sometimes. I hit my phone, you're Buns. But you say Buns. Buns sometimes. Yeah. Yeah. Buns.

Yeah. Buns. Buns. I remember those... What's that for? He used to leave me voicemails. Ryan would call me and it would just, it would go to voicemail and I'd press play and it'd be like, I'm calling for Buns.

And he would leave a long message about like, I'm out on a fishing boat and this guy, this guy taps me on the shoulder. I mean, I couldn't believe some guy swam up to me and he said, I'm looking for Buns. And that would be the whole... Yeah. He'd leave me these elaborate messages about looking for Buns. Tea nuts. I got that.

I like tea nuts. Cox and balls and dicks and taints. I like that one. Tea Buns came from Tommy Buns, which comes from the movie Belly, where DMX plays a character named Tommy Buns. So in college... I will wait. I'm going to ask you back.

Yeah. When is the first time you said, Tom, you said you created Sickle Stuff, you're the originator. So when? When was the first time you remember calling me that? And same question for you, Christine. The first time I remember calling you that? I honestly can't remember. I mean, it would be like, it would have to be back around, oh my God, probably 2004 or

something. Oh, interesting. 2003 or 2004. No. When did we start dating? You and I started dating... Around that time. Interesting.

Yeah. More... You and I started dating more, I would say, late 04, early 05. Interesting. And right around the time the nickname originates. Yeah. Interesting. Well, that's right around the time I started, you know, hanging out with Ryan a lot too.

Oh, oh, oh, you guys weren't friends before. Yeah, we were. Okay. I said, 03, 04. I think it came around the Puddin time, the Puddin era. Puddin, another nickname of a great man. Yeah, more nicknames. I can't say credit, that's our high school football coach.

I remember that. I love that the story behind that is one of my favorite nickname stories. It's just that basically Ryan's old roommate was playing high school football, goes to his coach, which is, it's better if you really imagine how pathetic this is, that a player went up to a coach and was like, all these guys have nicknames. I want a nickname. And then the coach looked them up and down and goes, you're Puddin. He gave him an elevator look up and down, and then just went Puddin.

And then he was happy with that, right? Wasn't he happy with Puddin? I mean, you got to be fucking happy with what you asked for at the time, I guess. Do you have any other nicknames? I mean, Sickle Cell is your best nickname. I'll go ahead and say that. Yeah. But do you have any other ones?

I'm sure Best goes to an individual preference on that. But I'll say this for Christina. Christina says, you say O-304, Puddin was O2, so Christina statewide might have just, might have just missed an attempt here. Wait, wait. I'm confused. Wouldn't Puddin have, Puddin got his nickname in high school though, right? Yeah.

What I'm saying is Christina said Sickle Cell originating around that time. That time would have been 2002, which precedes your O-304 is what I'm saying. Interesting. I'm confused. Meaning I'm right. I originated Sickle Cell. Christina follows what I'm saying. Wait.

Meaning I say the name origin dates further back in time. That's not true. Meaning I'm right and you're wrong. It doesn't date back to O2. That's what Ryan's saying. That's what your BFF is saying. Chris, I asked you when you first remembered, you said O-304. I asked Christina when she said Puddin, beginning of Puddin time, around the Puddin era.

But you weren't hanging out with Ryan and Puddin in O2. But listen, Tangier was happening and I would book you and Ryan every week when we were doing Tangier and that was right around O2, O3. I met you guys. One of my favorite rooms I've ever done in LA. He says one of his favorite rooms he ever did in LA. I know. Wasn't that fun?

I remember Ryan seeing you at the Cat Club and around there, that era came Sickle Cell. I walked into the theater and that night was when it was really boring. I feel like you guys have just been saying it to me, but that's when it was born. When he walked into Brian's screening and we saw him and he goes, Sickle Cell. You and I were fully dating. My favorite Sickle Cell story is when I was working that writing job. We were talking about this. Christina's friend, coincidentally, happened to work on the same floor still inside the

building and sprinting down the hallway screaming, Sickle Cell and this little effeminate black dude that sat across from me named Kendrick who I love. All I could hear him say was, Sickle Cell. And I thought it was so hard. I didn't know what to say. I just was like, isn't that a terrible nickname? Sickle Cell. Sickle Cell.

Sickle Cell. Sickle Cell. Sickle Cell. Sickle Cell. Sickle Cell. Yeah. That I can trace to how I say it like that back to that guy. Right.

Yeah. But it predates that. Other nicknames. Yeah. Do you have any other nicknames? Ronnie. Oh, Ronnie Love. Yeah.

That's really it. I mean, my last name, so a lot of people just short, a lot of people shorten Sickle Cell probably because they don't want to look like the idiots that you guys do to Sickle. Sickle, yeah. Sickle Cell. Sickle Cell. Sickle Cell. Sickle Cell.

Sickle Cell. Sickle Cell. Sickle Cell. Sickle Cell. Sickle Cell. Sickle Cell. Sickle Cell. Sickle Cell.

If I got you like a jacket with a badge that said Sickle Cell on it, would you wear that? Definitely. Definitely. I would never wear that. Oh, really? How about a hat? He said, oh, he said, oh, really, like he's surprised. Yeah.

What if it's a real nice jacket though? Yeah. Like a nice jacket or a nice hat, you know? Nice. Oh, nice one. Yeah. Nice one. The nice one.

I thought you just meant like a cheap windbreaker, but if it was nice. Yeah. What if it was like a, what if it was like a $1,500 leather, you know, Gucci jacket, and we just so Sickle Cell on there. He broidered. Yeah. Embroider it. He said, he said a badge.

Like I'd be Sheriff Sickle Cell. Yeah. Okay. That's pretty cool. We got to get that for him. Christmas is right around the corner, bro. Yeah. I would, uh, my next CD comes out.

I want to come on your podcast and promote it and I'll sit wearing that jacket. Sounds good. Are you naming your next CD Sickle Cell or were you naming it? I think you just did. All right. Yeah. That's definitely not happening. Have you already recorded your next one?

No, I have not recorded yet. At the end of this tour, I plan to record it. Oh, so plug it real quick. Um, tell people where you're at. Oh, uh, well, we're all over the place. Uh, October 18th, San Francisco, the 19th of October, Sacramento. Uh, then we go, um, what is it? The 21st, Chicago, October 22nd at St. Louis.

And then we hit the East coast run. If you just go to the crabfeast.com. All the dates are there. Yeah. All right. It's all there. Crabfeast.com. Make sure you hit it up.

Uh, support Ryan and Jay. Listen to the crab feast. And of course, uh, if you have extra time and you want some extra money and you want to, uh, buy products and have sickle cell embroidered on them, I think Ryan would appreciate it. So do that too. All right. Yeah.

Absolutely do that. Um, all right buddy. Well, thanks for, for helping us try to solve the mystery. Thanks Ryan. I'll, I'll talk to you soon. Okay. Thanks guys. Bye.

Bye. Sickle cell mystery. Okay. See you again. See ya. Interesting. Well, that was me. It's interesting.

That's kind of a way of looking at it. Um, yeah, that's interesting. No, I do remember it's right around when you and I started dating. Yeah. That sickle cell came around because you and I were hanging out and we were making fun of him in the name. And then I want to play. I think it was around pudding when we were hanging out with him and he lived a pudding.

Yeah. Puttin man. That was so funny. That's a ridiculous name. Um, do you remember Vinnie Jones? No. Vinnie Jones was a, a British footballer. Right.

Footballer. As we would call him. Soccer. Soccer player. Um, and here he is in a, in a scene from the movie Snatch. Oddly enough. Oh. Okay.

So that's him right there. The big mug. Great movie. Guy Ritchie, as you mentioned. I don't want to fuss. And I don't want to put a bullet in your face, but unless you give me exactly what I want, there will be fucking murders. What's your name?

Shoot him. Ooh. Let go of the gun. So, you're obviously the big dick. And that and that on the other side here are your balls. There are two types of balls. There are big brave balls. And there are little mincey faggot balls.

These are your last words. So make them a prayer. Now dicks have drive and clarity of vision, but they're not clever. They smell pussy and they want a piece of the action. And you thought you smelled some good old pussy and have brought your two little mincey faggot balls along for a good old time. But you've got your parties muddled up. There's no pussy here.

Just a dose that'll make you wish you were born a woman. Like a prick. You're having second foals. The guy's good though. Oh, he's amazing. That's how good I act too. But the funny thing is he's known for being, like I said, well-known, not just soccer player, footballer,

but he was one of the intimidators, aggressive types on the field. Fuck people up, you know? So anyways, I guess now he's doing some coaching or something? Looks like he's coaching. We're trying to see where he's coaching here. Manchester. Leeds. Anyways, there's a video of him given what it looks like.

Obviously, people are younger than him. He's coaching them up. Like, what the fuck was that? I love it. Oh, good. You know, you love coaching. What I do get pissed off with is the fucking decisions. That's Santa Monica.

John, what is the guy who stood in front of you there, mate? Why not say, you have it? Why go for this fucking worldy one? It's 90 degrees. You know, it's decisions. Pass it easy there. Then we can come out here. Then we can go there.

And then we shuffle it over. I love this year. But it's all about decisions. Danny, you can't tell me you're six foot three and you ain't won a fucking ever all day. All of a sudden, you're going like this. All the old bollocks. The center half's coming in here and going bang,

have that back there. You're fine to fucking throw one in. I've been in the game too long, Danny, for this bollocks. I have a fucking win it or fucking get off. I'll get someone who can fucking have a challenge. I love it. It's like he's coaching. What is this, high school?

Could you imagine this guy's your coach? You're like, wait a minute. You're the guy from fucking Snatch. Amazing. They're coming straight through you. And the big fella, the half-colored fella, he ain't a bad fucking player. I wish I had him in my fucking midfield.

Love it. Because at least he can pass to a fucking blue shirt. Blue shirt? At least he can pass to a fucking blue shirt. I love it. Cursing coaches. For sure. Fucking passing all over the place.

Don't waste my fucking time on a Sunday by coming here and wanking it off. Wanking it off. Are they on a Sunday? On a song. On a Sunday? You can't tell me, Ty, you can't pass six fucking yards to a fucking yellow shirt.

You all think you fucking know the fucking standards. Until you've gone past fucking ten yards, then fucking listen to me. I like it. Love it. You always come here and then you fucking always got excuses. Don't think, lads, I've been at the level,

the highest level you can get. I can see who's fucking cheating. I can see that, oh, nearly run. Danny, I can see all that older sons in my eyes. Aiding these eyes, is it? Making a fucking Sunday morning pub player look fucking good. And looking around here right now, I would have money on them.

Right? All you lot, sure, there's my prediction. My money's on them. Unless you, wankers, can fucking pull yourself out of the fucking bed and fucking get in here and fucking work hard and win the fucking ball and pass the ball, I see it all in fucking training. This is a, I think this is a halftime speech.

I don't know what it was, yeah, I think it's a halftime. Dude, they get so freaked out, soccer. Stop your fucking hospital balls. Oh, yeah. That's fucking insurance balls, little balls in there. You're that fucking best player on this side because you're getting my fucking voice killed. Fucking playing it, play one in there

or play one in on this fucking head there. What is this from? It's so good. I really love it. I really, really love it. I love, I could watch just clips of that. You could tell that he does really give a shit though. That's why I love it.

That's why it's rad. Don't you wish somebody could come in and shout at you after bad stand-ups? No, because I hear the voice in my head already. I know. I have that voice for my stand-up in most days during the day. I know.

You're fucking shit. The internal coach. Yeah, internal coach is like... I know. You think that's a fucking good punchline? You're a piece of shit. Yeah. I know, but Microsoft better fucking punchlines

and you fucking suck. Isn't that terrible? Do you think most people's inner voices are that horrible? Mine's horrible like that. I think a lot of stand-ups, for sure. I think that's one thing we definitely have in common with other comics. Self-loathing, intense.

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, I think so, too. I think I got it. Yeah. I said, fuck it, fuck it, shit, fuck shit. Fucking sucka. Should we roll? What should we do?

You want to do a dental update? What should we do? Yeah, I like them. I haven't had one in a long time. I think... Dude, we got to find another dentist, man. We're moving. Yeah, what's going on?

Fuck. I just opened pictures of myself on accident. On accident? You know you wanted to... I don't want to see that shit. I love looking at me. God, it's the worst. I will say, doing this show and that, Zebro,

I'm used to hearing my shitty voice. Yeah. You know, in the beginning, I couldn't even listen. No, wait, why don't you give me the would-your-other instead? Oh, this is silly. It's just silly. Drink the top layer. I'm an itchy asshole.

It's time to play real sexual butter. It's time to play chunky. It's time to play this naughty, billed toilet paper. The urine from two dirty homeless men. It's time to play my butt with your mucus. Homeless jar of biz. I've been of sex with your sister. Take it in the face and get understrikes.

The grandmother walks in on you masturbating. Never have another orgasm. All right. This one's a little more subtle. It's not gross. It's not, you know, would you rather eat cum or shit? Jesus. It's more nuanced.

So you have to pay attention. Are you listening? Yeah. Okay. Would you rather, everywhere you go, everywhere, meetings, you're on the airplane, you're in the hotel, you're on tour, everything, everywhere you go, you have to take bitsy. So that means you got a service animal,

you got to get a note from your shrink. It's your emotional needs dog. It's already really bad. And hold on. You demand that she has her own area in your dressing room and that she barks senselessly all the time and wakes you up in your hotel room. She did this morning for no reason.

Yeah. And you got to be that guy that carries around. A 10 pound Brussels graffin. Yeah. It's your dog. People are like, this guy's an asshole for sure. Right. You're an asshole.

Yeah. People think you have mental problems or same thing, everywhere you go, every city you go to, everything you do, you do it. Yeah. With your mom. So easy. This became so easy.

How? I mean, I... How's this easy? I commend you for like the thoughts involved and for giving it like a real, you know, a real go at something interesting and different. Uh-huh. 100% bitsy.

You know, what happens is the bond between my dog and I will grow. I'll be just more attached to her probably. Yeah. She'll probably... She's going to bark all the time. She'll find her way into my act. I'll just like bring her on stage and...

Yeah, you know, I'll just figure it out. And she's small. It's the one thing. She's very small. Yeah. Even a bitsy shit is small. You know, a bitsy pee is small. Yeah.

Easy to feed her. Easy to get her water. But it's embarrassing. It is embarrassing. It's embarrassing. I'm walking around everywhere with my fucking dog. A 10-pound little shit. And you're this, you know, big dude and...

I don't know, man. She's annoying. But I do love the dog. Of course. She's the best. And it is fun to have a companion. And she is a great companion. Yeah.

She loves cuddles. Yeah. She loves belly scratches. She's a sweet, adorable dog. My mother would drive me to either murder or suicide. You know? I love my mom. Tommy.

Tommy. No. What time is the plane leaving? Can you imagine having to manage that? To manage someone like that? Tommy, I have so much anxiety. Oh, God. I'll be like, and then we're going here.

I'm tired. I'm like, I don't want to hear it. That's what I got to do. Sorry. Tommy, what time is the show? Do I sell your merch? Yes. I don't have a square reader.

Go get one. How? Where? How do I sign? When do I sign? Mom. I want to go to the casino. Go get changed.

I don't have no change, Tommy. The questions all time. Oh, my God. And then we have, then we go back. No. It's like traveling with a toddler. It is. When did your parents get older?

Especially ones who, my mom already, like she asked questions when I was a toddler. Yeah. Like she would be, it would be insane. It would be really fucking. I know when you think about it, your parents just degenerate and they get shittier and shittier. Crazy. And then you have to, you know, like we were taking, we took Alice out last night for

dinner and he was sitting in a high chair and in the corner of my eye, I saw what looked like a stroller and I was going to look and go look at the other baby and it was an elderly person in a walker. So you, you know, it's interesting. You start in a stroller, you end in a stroller, you know, someone's pushing you around at the end of the day too. Look, we've got to get going. By the way, don't forget patreon.com slash mom, put that shit down.

Put the shit down. Patreon.com slash mom. We had to take away a couple tiers of rewards because just because of scheduling, it's too hard to pull them off. But there's a new episode that's up. When is it up? Friday? Something like that?

Monday, Sunday, Saturday? Sure. The first. So thank you for all the patreon support and thank you for listening to your mom. What would you take? You'd take the dog for sure. Over your mom or your dad, Oh, forget it. I would take 10 dogs over either of my parents.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. My mom was a mess too. She was a real. My mom's not easy to manage. Yeah.

I seriously might. I would have to go to see a like a psychiatrist PTSD after spending a week with her dude. 48 hours makes me crazy. My mother. You know, it's funny. Is that traveling with her? My dad hated being with me too. After a couple days, like in Miami, I remember the Miami thing, he's like, Oh, are you going

to get out of here or something? I thought we were hanging out. He hates hanging out with me. Yeah. It's funny. So I couldn't do it. No. Very few people.

I could spend that much time with you. My cousin, Julie, you know, Shawna, Sarah Burns, like few people in my life. Yeah. You can really do it. I know. I'm the same way. That you can spend days and days. I'm the same way.

You have to like Jenny Patlin. Like people I've grown up with basically. Yeah. Family isn't on the list. Yeah. Yeah. I'm with you. All right.

Thanks for listening to the show. Your mom's house podcast.com. Tom's a girl.com. Live shows. Thousand Ranch.com. And that's it. That's it. That's it.

That's it. Farts. Here's a sickle cell. Name is mine. My dad's balls by Gafe and dad. Thank you very much. Yeah. And we'll see you.

My dad's balls. Soon. Yeah. Hopefully. Our dad taught us not to be ashamed of our dicks. Especially since they're such good size and all. It gets bigger when I pull on. Sometimes I pull on it so hard.

I rip the skin. That's the gaping dad. That's the gaping dad. That's the gaping dad. That's the gaping dad. Mmm! Mmm! Have my dad stick? Have my dad's dick?

I have my dad's dick. I need my dad's balls. I have my dad's dick. Have my dad's dick. I have my dad's dick. I need my dad's balls. Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! My daddy taught me a few things too. Like how not to rip the skin by using someone else's mouth instead of your own hands.

Mmm! Mmm! Have my dad's dick. Have my dad's dick. I have my dad's dick. I need my dad's balls. I have my dad's dick. Have my dad's dick. I have my dad's dick. I need my dad's balls. Our dad has taught us not to be ashamed of our dicks. I have my dad's dick. I have my dad's dick.

I have my dad's dick. I need my dad's balls. I have my dad's dick. I have my dad's dick. I have my dad's dick. I need my dad's balls. That was really great. It's so depraved.