Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 365-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: October 12, 2016

This week, the mommies grab em by the p***y! Will Tina follow thru on the dog food challenge? Do radio rap songs make you cry? We have ANOTHER angry Persian voicemail. Jeans Up!

Tribulations by Sounds Made the Beat. Jeans, what do you got coming up? Well, my one-nighter tour is almost complete. I have two more dates. October 23rd in Indianapolis, Morty's Comedy Club. October 24th, Cincinnati. All right, go bananas. You know I'm going to try to replicate the Cincinnati fart.

I'm going to be eating a lot of high fiber things and trying to recreate that special moment. We'll see if it happens live. Yeah, we'll see. I may have to put the microphone to my bottle. Why don't you just have a second fixed mic for the whole show down there? You know?

Why aren't you my agent? Yeah. You got to put this in my writer. Well, where are you going to be at? Go bananas? Go bananas. Let's call Mikey and ask him if they could tie one. Yeah.

Maybe like have it just, you know what I mean? At anal level. Yeah. For the whole show. And if you pace, it stays with you. Wow. Or just hire a PA. Oh, yeah.

Or a little person. Yeah. That'd be great. There you go. Now you're thinking like. Giving people work. Yeah. I'm wearing boxes right now for this show, by the way.

I don't care. You didn't even bother putting on pants. No. That's how we roll in the cigar at home today. It's been chaos this morning. December 9th and 10th, D.C. in Provinc, Washington, D.C., District of Columbia. That's it for now, guys.

That's it. Tommy, what do you got? This weekend, I'll be in Charlotte, North Carolina, near my college home. I wanted to mention also that Cox Comedy Club in San Francisco, I'm going there next week. And I'm just confirming this. Let's see right now.

If Cox has this or not, I don't see. Yeah. Cox and Cubs, Comedy Club. We added a second show Thursday. Oh, my gosh. Because the other one's sold out. It's going to be insanity. It's going to be a crazy weekend.

It's a huge room. It's going to be fun. So if you're in Manfrandesco, I think this is your only opportunity if you still want to come see me at Cox Comedy Club. Get your tickets now. TomCigarette.com slash shows. Right after that, I go to another big city, Jewdork titties.

America's. It's my favorite name. Big Tit Apple is where I'll be. Big Tits Apple. I have a few more cities coming up before the year ends. Raleigh's, Raleigh's, North Carolina, and Louisville, Kentucky. Home of Top Dog, by the way.

Oh, that's right. First place of Top Dog. We need some better names. We got to come up with Louisville and Raleigh. Yeah. And then I think after that, fill her up, Delphia. That's a great one. And fill her up.

We added a fourth show at the Trocadero. So please go to that if you're in Philly. And then West, Harry Ball's Beach, Florida. West. It'll be one of my final shows. That's December, early December. And then I do New Years in Momlando. Oh my gosh.

What a crazy year this has been. It's almost over. Yeah. When you do your calendar, aren't you like, holy shit. Yeah. I'm all fucking like, whoa, huh? You know? Like, fuck.

Fuck. Shit's all fast, huh? Yeah. Life goes fast. Speaking of that, listen to that's D-Bro. That's how I talk on my other show. Yeah. And also, please don't forget to shop.

Yes. Through our Amazon banner, you go to your mom's house podcast.com. You click on the Mama's on banner. You do your regular shopping and it gives a little kickback to the show. Of course, if you're a hardcore mother, you take care of your children. You can sign up for Patreon. Put that down. Put that shit down.

Patreon.com slash mom. Bonus episodes. Hardcore moms only. Yeah. Like if your denim is so tight that you can barely breathe, Patreon's for you. You get to hear us talk about behind the scenes stuff. We go down memory lane. It gets more hardcore too.

It gets way, way worse. It gets way worse. Way more not children friendly. We open gifts. It gets so nasty. We open gifts. We answer emails. We go down the sound board lane.

Yeah. It's more for like the die hard definitely. It's a different show. It's kind of fun. Yeah. If we let our tits out on that show a little bit more. Yeah. Dicks and tits are flying everywhere.

Yeah. Literally. Literally. I wish we could change our URL to dot C-U-M. Babe. What? That's really gross. I wanted to play this clip today, but the fucking files were all fucked up.

I'm playing it from the YouTube. She looks smart already. It's pretty great. She looks smart. We'll see if we can start the show. You ready to do this? Oh, Christ. All morning, it has bothered me and bothered me.

It has aided me and I'm just, I'm still upset. Like as a mom, I'm just mad. Like I am mad. Man of the show. And I'm going to give it a second. I have an 11 year old daughter, Aliyah. She loves that 104.5 radio station. She loves it.

And I'm like, whatever. Like it's the, like the top hits, right? I remember listening to the top hits when I was a kid, like Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera and Backstreet Boys and NSYNC. And those were the top hits when I was just played, which is fine. I don't mind that. Okay. Um, I usually listen to like the effect.

It's all Toby Mack news boys. It's Christian music. Oh no. We'll get to it here in a, in a second. Oh no. There's nothing. Who is Ram? Don't bring anyone loving to this.

Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura. Welcome to your mom's house. This audio looks like it's on two channels. Right. And. No. Oh, I see what's going on. Hold on.

Hold on. Hold on. It looks like because this is in here, that's only playing in one, but the rest of them are playing in two. You understand what I'm saying? No, I don't. But as long as you understand, that's all that matters. Can you, can you correct it?

Yeah. Hold on a second. Let's stop for one second. Yeah. All right. Let's see if this works on both. Oh. Wow.

It's muted. Wow. Oh, that's loud. Oh, that's loud. That was really loud. Your coffee tastes like a dirty ashray. It tastes like cigarettes. Why?

Do you have cigarette flavored coffee that you've purchased? It's the coffee that you can't live without. It tastes like shit. You didn't put any sweetener in it because you're on your fucking weird diet, right? Yeah. It tastes like assholes. I don't know how you're drinking it. Oh, it smells like a dirty ashray.

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Okay. I don't need to smoke. That's why I can do that. Yeah. You like that?

I like it. Uh-huh. I don't drink coffee for flavor anymore. No, you don't. Just for torture. Yeah. For bowel torture. Actually, you know what I want to get again?

That Australian coffee. Australian dream? I know. That Australian dream. I want to go... I want to order that again. What are you talking about? That shit was buttery and delicious.

Yeah. I'm going to get that again. I'm going to get it too. I might order it today. Okay. Oh, fuck. Oh, shit. Shit.

And I'm going to make it in that... The press. No, that's not... What's it called? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not the press. No. It's called...

It's Italian style. It's like the one my mom used to... Yeah. The rocket fuel stuff. That shit's like a rocket fuel. Yeah. That's good. That makes you shit a lot.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So this is working right. So are we cool? So just so people know, the reason that this is fucked up, like where that opening clip was fucked up, is normally we play these out of clips, but the clips were like corrupted. They were all fucked up. They're all fucked up. Not all of them.

Just this bank of clips. So I have to play it from the source file, which is basically play and pause and scroll. Yeah. Super good. That's why it sucks. But this lady made this video that we played the first like 50 seconds of, where obviously she's talking about, she's driving her daughter to school, her 11 year old daughter, and her daughter likes a certain radio station where they played today's hits.

And she's saying, you know, when I was a kid, I liked that too. I listened to the hits then, Brady Spears and Sink and all that, whatever. So now she's going on about what she's upset about. Okay. Let's hear it. That's what I usually have it on, in my car. Um, I had just dropped Gabby off and, and guys, I could not believe what I was hearing. Like this is on our, our local radio station.

This crap is being played. I couldn't even believe the words that I was listening to. I love how upset she is. And as a mom, as a mom, no, that's my favorite. Like, why is this on here? So I'm sorry. I've got to collect myself because this is, this is what our youth is being subjected to.

Subjected to. I agree. So I feel one of your top 40 is. And I'm going to read it to you. Dog shit. And I want you, do you thirsty, please grab a sprite. My Crips Lurkin don't die tonight. I just want to dance with you, baby.

Just don't move too fast. I'm too crazy. Man down, down the ad and get shaded. Take a nigga mind off that. Big words. We can dip, fuck in the whip, slide right back in the function. One wrong word. Start busting.

Put that on my Yankee hat, friends, bandana brown. I felt this way since I was 12. When I heard top 40 music, I was like, this is the dumbest shit. It's a little different. I think what's going on here. I've ever heard. Well, she's upset because she thinks the lyrics are offensive, but Britney Spears was saying, you know, I just want to fuck you and hit, but she was pretending to be a teenage fuck

queen. Yeah. Right. She was dreaded. I don't think she said, I just want to fuck you. You just implied that that was a lyric was like, hit me, baby. It's all about being an underaged fuck toy. One more time.

That's, that was her whole persona and that doesn't offend you. Yeah. How about that? And I can layer up. I'm going to be in a bottle finger my pussy. Yeah. Yeah. All those songs are about finger, grab my pussy.

Basically. It's Donald Trump. Donald Trump's songs. Yeah. Grab that pussy. Grab my grab. Yeah. That's all.

And, and she's not bummed about that. And she's really, really worked up though. She should just make her kids listen to Christian music. Like she does. Yeah. Like the dope daddy shooting in the kitchen, real nerf side nigga. Never went to Polly, Wilson or Cabrilla, cocaine color of a Crello. I don't even know if I pronounced that right.

Probably not. Tea scrap moving for the day, but they shoot in every day around my mama and them way. So we put it. Okay. Is it totally necessary to read every like, couldn't you just paraphrase a couple of them? Well, I can't, I can't wait for someone to put this to a song. They did.

Oh, so excited. Okay. Yeah. Well, they also like, they flow is incredible. They chopped it up so that it flows and stay. And that's for any nigga say he got a problem with me. Now I'm cripping where I'm living. Come and follow.

I was like, Oh, that's a, I'll pull out the actual, the actual, you know, I was forced to listen to top 40 music on my drive to the Dallas airport. And I actually disagree with her. Skyler's in the background. Can I finish my thought? Yeah. Like the top. Yeah.

I actually think that top 40 music has become deeper than when I was a kid because I was listening to the lyrics and they weren't as dumb as they used to be. Like tonight's going to be a good night tonight, tonight it's going to be fun. Yeah. Let's wet our pussies and finger our buttholes. Why would you go there with that? And now it's like they had to talk about feelings. They talk about sadness.

You know, there's a little more nuance to top 40. Yeah. Yeah. I discovered this when I was forced to listen to it in a car ride, but I haven't heard by the way the Trump audio, now that you're saying that uncensored, have you heard? Really? I haven't heard it uncensored. I thought I did.

I thought I had. Where? On the internet or he's, he's inside of a bus with that billy. Yeah. But I've only heard bleeps. You've heard it. Oh yeah. No, I've heard it for real.

Oh really? He's like, I just grabbed your pussies and I just take it. Oh yeah. I want to hear it. You've been missing out. It's really good. Yeah. You know, and the best part is you can just take what you want.

I grab women by the pussy. Yeah. You just grab them by their pussies. Maybe Slate would have that. Right? Dump that bitch. Let's see if there's this here. Maybe this way.

You got to grab them by their pussies. Okay. This one says it has graphic language. Yeah. Oh, it's so great. She's still very beautiful. I moved on her actually. You know, she was down on Palm Beach.

I moved on her and I failed. I'll admit it. Whoa. I did try and fuck her. It's huge numbers there. No, no, Nancy. Yeah. No, this was her.

And I moved on her very heavily. In fact, I took her out furniture shopping. She wanted to get some furniture. I said, I'll show you where they have some nice furniture. I took her out furniture and moved her out with that bitch, but I couldn't get there. And she was married. And all of a sudden, I see her, she's now got the big phony tits and everything. She's totally changed her look.

She's your girl's hottest shit in the purple. Whoa. Whoa. Yes. That's good. Whoa. My man. Wait, wait.

You got to look at me when you get out of here. This is very impressive. This is very impressive. Will you give me the thumbs up? Look at you. You are. You got to give the thumbs up. You got to give the thumbs up.

Can't be too happy. Can we get any else off first? Yeah, let me. No, it gets better. It does. Stay with us. You and I will walk around. Oh, my.

You got it. I have a clue. Oh, okay. I'm glad they published it. Thank you. There's another one. It's supposed to be one more time on NBC. Yeah, that's it.

Really? I got to use some tech just in case you start kissing her. Yeah. You know, I'm automatically attracted to beautiful. I just started kissing them. Here you go. I don't need to wait. Hey, when you're a star, they let you do it.

You can do anything. Whatever you want. Grab them by the pussy. Oh, my God. Ladies and gentlemen, the future president of the United States. You're crazy. I haven't heard it like that. Yeah.

It's so much different to hear that than grab my peep, peep. Yeah. It's better. Yeah, I hate censored clips. It takes the gravity out of it. Yeah. When you hear a douchebag being a douchebag, it's so much better. Grab them by the pussy.

You have to be a real savage to use that phrase. Right? Yeah. I mean, you guys do locker room talk. I'm sure you and your bros. Yeah. When you guys bro down, do you guys say things like, you can just grab her by her pussy? Just fucking grab them by the pussy.

No, I would say, because I've heard a lot, there's weird on Twitter, there's a lot of like, yeah, that's how people, I heard people saying like, that's how people talk. Like, no, they don't. People, here's guy talk for most guys, I would say is like, well, look at her tits. Yeah. When you're being crude, it's usually like, look at her. Right? Yeah.

Look at that ass. Yeah. She's fucking hot, you know, but like, it's not usually like, yeah, you know what I do is I always go there and I grab their pussies. It's crazy. People would be like, what? What are you talking about? It's a strange, it is a kind of a, a, a weirder idea.

That'll be like me being like, I just, I just grab them by their cocks. Yeah. Like, wait, what? That's such a vulgar. It's too much. It's too, it's almost, it is kind of a, a violent idea. Yeah. It's aggressive.

It's weird, man. Yeah. It's really a bummer. So apparently there's even more that NBC is withholding. They're not releasing. Oh, really? There's even more of him saying crazy stuff and there's petitions. I just signed one to have it released to pressure NBC to release him being even creepier.

Cause I really get a kick out of these. I think they're super fun, super funny. So they suspended Billy Bush. I'm just seeing this right now. Oh, his career is over too. I don't know if it's over. Well, he's participating with the. So it says, uh, let's see.

Bush released an apology. I mean, you know, he was sitting there basically being the sidekick, which is just embarrassing. Cause I think every guy at least has played that role usually into, in the scenario where you're hanging out with the more of an alpha male. Right. So the alpha male is saying stuff and you're like, yeah. Yeah. What do you say?

And it's just, I think everybody, I know myself, I've played that role. You know, it kind of happens naturally, but to have it played back to you has to be just so humiliating. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, to be like, use a man, man, like, fuck you, Michael Jordan. You're so cool.

Like that's basically what he was doing there. Yeah. Cause what's he supposed to say is, is Billy Bush supposed to be like, you know what, sir, I don't think we should degrade women. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, it's, I don't think that's appropriate.

Donald. I don't know what they were wanting to do there. The Donald. But he was definitely like cheerleading in a, you know, he was doing the, yeah. Yeah. Actually locker room talk is kind of what he did. Like, whoa. Yeah.

Look at you. She's hot. They're saying it about some girl that's off camera there. Right. He was sheesh. Like that's kind of. Yeah. That's normal.

That's a normal locker. I mean, that's, I've, you've heard that guys say that a million times. Yeah. She's fucking hot. Yeah. Which is fine. But the, the best part is that hot chick comes to greet them as part of like the show. I guess they're taping the apprentice.

Yeah. And you see them, it's kind of grody cause he's saying all that stuff. And then, and then him and Billy are like, why don't you give him a kiss? Yeah. Hug him. Give him a hug. Give him a kiss. Like they've just perved out on her.

Yeah. And then they're kind of manipulating her and she's on camera. So she's like, okay. Yeah. You're both handsome. You know, that's weird. It's kind of a douchey, douchey thing. It's just not cool to force that on somebody.

No, not really. I used to, I don't know. I've never been the type that I guess goes for it like that. Oh, to, with chicks like that. Yeah. It's not your style. It's not, my style was always like, if affection comes to me. Yeah.

Then you know what I mean? Naturally. You mean like a normal. Yeah. If it's organic. If someone shows interest, you go for it. Yeah. Yeah.

Kind of like our courtship. I was never like that. Right. Grab the pussy. Like a predator. Yeah. Yeah. Well, there are guys that are just sharks, right?

They just go for it. Yeah. Sure. I mean, I know, I mean. It's so gross. Throughout life, I've met guys whose style were just crazy. But I can smell those douchebags a mile away because it's a thousand compliments, right? Like, girl, girl, you got me.

Yeah. So cute. You got me going. I'm watching you from across the room, girl. And you're like, oh, really? How you doing? Better now that I'm talking to you. Right.

You're like, oh my God. Right. It's so obvious. Better now that I'm talking to you. Yeah. So it's usually, you know, the brothers would step to me. Really? In the clubs.

Yeah. This is when I'm in my 20s, early, you know, late teens, 20s in the, I know, I haven't been in night clubs since I was 20. Yeah. 26. Oh my God. What's crazy is he was 59 when he was talking like that. I was a younger immature man.

Yeah. Right. That's what they were critiquing the belly of Bush Fork is his, his apologies. I was younger and immature and he was 34. Right. Like, not 19. Like, yeah. Yeah.

I could hear a 19 year old saying this stuff and I'd be like, well, dude, they're retarded. He'll learn. Let's see. Do you want to hear this ladies? If they cut it up. The remix. Oh, I love to. Yeah.

And I want you to just listen to the mind off that we can do it. Fuck in the whip slide right back in the function. One wrong word. Start us and put that on my Yankee hat. I'm a gangster crib. Fuck the gangster rap. Where are the ladies at? Where are the hoes?

Where are the bitches? Better. Every real thing and know the difference. Stand in a brown like the dope daddy shooting in the kitchen. It's good. It's good. Yeah. Skyler's in the background.

Skyler's in the back. Skyler. Oh boy. Don't name your kid. Skyler. That's officially over. Right. Skyler.

Are we done with that name? Yeah. I think so. Skyler. It's tough. Mom. Tough name. Let's see if there's any more.

I thought there was a couple other remixes. Let's see. Tanner. Remix. Somebody please take off the children. Make dogs still here because a nigga's like me. Did you just hear that? Because a nigga's like me.

Police still here because a nigga's like me. Really? Because a nigga's like me. Make dogs still here because a nigga's like me. Because a nigga's like me. Police still here because a nigga's like me. This work is really messed up. Bitch, you thirsty.

Please grab a sprite. I cannot believe that. I feel dishonor. My crypt's lurking. Don't die tonight. I'm sorry. Did you just hear that? We can dip.

Fuck in the whip. I cannot believe that. The field is on there. Now I'm cripping where I'm living. That was on our top radio station. Make dogs still here because a nigga's like me. Did you just hear that? Because a nigga's like me.

Police still here because a nigga's like me. Really? Because a nigga's like me. Make dogs still here because a nigga's like me. Alright. Because a nigga's like me. And police still here because a nigga's like me. The best is like making a video like she made

and not realizing that people are like, yeah. And then turned into a hundred remixes of her crying. Yeah. I like this rap music. I could get into rap if it was like this. That's been staples, man. It's hilarious. That's what she was doing, yeah.

Because a nigga's like me. There she goes. You know what I find really funny is when people are offended and then they go, and as a mom. Yeah. As if those things have never existed in society and you have absolutely zero responsibility

to tell your kids like, hey, this is entertainment. You know, like, think of the children. How dare you? I can't just tell your kid. I think this is for people older than you. Yeah, it's not for you. It's not for you. In a few years, you'll be fucking

and then you can listen to this song. And then you can fuck your boyfriend to all this cool music. You know? You know, she was always nice to me. She never called me a nigga. Oh, for fuck's sake. Set me up, cigarette.

You set me up. Yeah. That was pretty good. Hey, guess what I'm doing today? What? I'm going on Notches con Platanito. That's right. If you guys...

I don't know when it'll air, so it might be airing today. I don't know how it's structured. Yeah. I assume it might air today, which is going to be too late, but I'm sure it'll live online. I'm doing a Notches con Platanito. That is so exciting.

That means you're going to be interviewed by a clown today. Yeah. And it's in Spanish, right? Yeah, this is... So are you going to speak Spanish or how are we going to do this? This guy's a rad.

Yeah, man. Notches con Platanito. The night of plantains. No, it's like evenings with Platanito. That guy's name is Platanito right there. Platanito. And he's like, oh, I'm so sneaky. So do you get paid in tacos to do this show?

Babe, that's... God, you're terrible. Or plantains. No, no. That's his name. I love it. Oh, my God. Yeah.

Yeah. That's the show I'm going on there. I'm so sorry. Carla Sevilla. I can't wait. So I'm the lead guest and I get to do an interview and I get to play two games.

What are your... Do you know your games? Yeah. Can you tell me? I don't want to spoil it for you, but... I'm doing... You... Somebody has on a bodysuit

with basically items hidden in them and I'm supposed to touch with a blindfold. That's what they are. So pervy. And then we're doing dominoes one. So pervy. Not the game dominoes, but with domino sticks.

Uh-huh. You know, like just actual dominoes set up. Yep, yep. And they fall over and then if I get... If they get something wrong, they pour cold water down my pants. No, really?

You have to bring a change of clothes. That's awesome. Yeah. Oh my God, we have to see this. Yeah. We have to see this. It'll be online. I almost want to come with you today.

It'll be online. Man, I'm so jealous. Do you think you can put in a good word for me in Planta Nito? You want to be on? Kind of, yeah. Yeah, I'm sure. Dude, this is like the only show worth doing.

Fuck the Tonight Show. Fuck Conan. This is where it's at. Yep, this is it, man. I haven't seen you this excited, by the way. Like you've done Conan. And you're like, yeah, I'm doing Conan tonight. And then this one, you've been, you got your hair done.

Yeah, I got it. You bought a new jacket. I replaced the lost jacket. You did. And it's really good, the one that you bought. Yeah. I have not seen you this excited to do television ever. Because I am really, I'm just really excited for it.

I'm stoked, man. This isn't the great tradition of Latin television. Yeah. Of Sabado Higante, which is one of my favorites. Yeah. That we watched in Florida when you were sick once, when we were on vacation. Sabado Higante.

Yeah. Dude, this shit's rad. Look how much fun they have on this show. Oh, wait, man. These guys have a good time. Yeah, man. It's not like white people. White people never have fun.

I bet it's funny when Platanito is like off camera and mad about something, right? And he's demanding like, where the fuck is my water? And then, and he's in his clown thing and the PA has to be like, How do you say it in Spanish? What? Where the fuck is my water? Where the fuck is my water?

Where the fuck is my fucking water? Fucking water. Yeah, I have to take a shit. Give me the water. Oh, I like that. Yeah. Speaking of water. I don't know if you noticed my new container that I'm drinking out of.

What? I saw it. It's, I got this in Dallas from a couple of mommies, Katie and Trevor. Thank you. You can't see it, but it's, it says main mommy water champion. And it's, what's the word? Were they engraved it? It's engraved on here.

So thank you, Katie and Trevor. Look stupid. I, I'm going to cherish this. I'm going to hand this down to my children, my children's children. Everybody will know that I am the true water champ. Alice, Carl's Jr. You'll have to decide who gets to actually keep it, right? We'll have to bear it.

Carl's Jr. Yeah. Ruth's Chris's. Tom's Ruth's Chris. Tom's Ruth's Chris. Mmm. Yep. Anyways, I really appreciate this guys.

I had a great time in Dallas and in Houston and in Portland and to come on you. Yeah. Yeah. It's just nice that the fans really know who the true. Grab them by the pussy. Oh, so great. Water champion. Oh, that's so crazy.

That's so great. Can we always play that? Yeah. I can't wait until if he is president. You can do anything. Whatever you want. Grab them by the pussy. Jesus Christ, dude.

So wait, you have to touch, is it a man or a woman in a body suit and then guess the objects? Well, I saw what they did on a, so they sent me a video of it and what they did was they had a girl and then they, they blindfolded the guys and the girl walks away and a guy walked on her. Hilarious. So I'm pretty sure that'll happen to me. So sexual Latin culture.

Yeah. So that's what they do is so that the guy's like, oh. How come you guys are so sexual? You Latins. I don't know. It's all, I think it's all a cum. You know? Well, who are we talking about that ran out of cum?

We were watching TV last night and you're like, oh, he's mad. Because he's real. Bill Clinton. Where's the cum? Yeah. Because he doesn't, he looks so old nowadays. He really. So you've gotten covered in those balls.

Yeah. Well, we are both noting that Bill looks so, you know, he's aged. He is aged. And dog years. He's very old. Yeah. And you said it's because he's out of cum. I think so.

You think Monica sucked it all out? No, I don't think Monica did. I think it's just, you know, with the years, it's just gone. The cum fades. Yeah. He's really like more frail looking now. Yeah. He's not that old, right?

I don't know how old he is. Let's look it up. I think it's more startling because we're used to the younger, spry Bill. He's 70. He's my dad's age. But that's not that old. Come on. It's not.

It's not. He looks very sunken. Yeah. I know he lost weight. I mean, he, he lost a bunch of weight after, you know, leaving office. Yeah. I know he, you know, I think he changed. I know he had heart thing and changed.

He's been sick. Yeah. But I think, well, he can't do a lot of fucking and he's out of cum. He's out of cum. So I think you're on the right path there. You think I'm on the right path. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We've been doing that a lot in front of our son Ellis belching and. It's fun to burp and have the kid just go like, what? He just looks at you like, what was that? Is that a word? Yeah.

We're teaching him all the fundamentals of a good life. Grab it by the pussy. Oh my God. Can you even handle it that that's the future president possibly? Possibly. It's so retarded. President. It's a good slogan.

Yeah. America. Grab America by the pussy. Yeah. Make America grab it by the pussy. Yes. That's the, that's the dumbest slogan. Grab America by the pussy.

I think the funny thing will be. God. There was also this apprentice producer that was tweeting. He was like, I was a producer on seasons one and two. He's like, man, there's a lot crazier stuff out there. I think that's what we're trying to get released. Right. Right.

But my thing is he's going to have to, like that's going to be such an embarrassment. You know, if it's way crazier than that. Why crazy? Yeah. He's probably, he's a bragger type, you know, I know that he likes to brag about chicks because they, it's, it's, it's long been his, you know, his thing. So he'll probably have a lot of like, you see that girl over there? She fucked her in the bathroom.

Yeah. She had like that, you know? Wow. But did she, did she say it was okay? I don't give a shit. He's stuck it in her mouth. How do we get here as a society? You know, I'm, I'm so bummed that we don't have cable right now just because I wanted

to watch Fox news and I'm curious to see how they are spinning this into a positive like, well, I mean, yeah, did he say grab by the pussy or did he mean it that way? I don't know. Kind of turns you on a little. Definitely. Is this. I also have a removable tooth, which can be very sexy for role playing. For instance, you might have fantasies of having sex with an athlete like a hockey player.

Sometimes hockey players will lose a tooth when they get hit in the face with a puck. So I can give you a chance to live out your fantasies and have sex with multiple men. Yeah. I'll show you. No, no. See, now I look like a tough guy, like, like a redneck or a hockey player and I can put on wigs. I have like six different wigs and we can role play and have cool fantasies.

Cool fantasies. Yeah. Kind of, I kind of respect that, you know? And I hate that I can't hear how dry his mouth is. All that stuff. Yeah. That's the problem. It's one of the problems.

I feel like one of the cool things is I think he's making a video just appealing to the public is what it feels like. Oh, now we're in the general, not the vegan. Well, I'm sure. No, I'm sure it's for vegans. But I just like that he is, um, he's just making a video promoting why he's a sexual conquest. In other words, hey, look, another thing is great about me and he spun the, the no tooth

positive. You know, John Sikers here. Yeah. That's important that you can turn a negative into a positive and in his case, make it sexually appealing. Maybe you can vagina. That's who that is. Huh.

So now it's that I'm, don't have this. Oops. Got a little bit of food on here. I'm going to throw up. Oh, he's licking it. I know. I know. Oh.

Oh. He is licking his tooth. He is licking his fucking tooth. I'm going to throw. Oh, that really affected me. Why does he have to maintain eye contact? Oh. Oh.

Pretend that I'm licking your balls or your penis. No. Dude, that was really gnarly. That was gnarly. Why did you do that? It's not hot at all. Bro. Why did you do that?

That is so fucking gnarly, man. Yeah. I respect that you're trying to get puss puss. But God damn, that's disgusting. Yeah. He nasty. Why you got to be so nasty? I mean, it's really making my tongue feel so happy.

Stop hitting the table. I can't. Control it. I can't. Would you turn him off and then throw up? I love a vegan for Chinas. I'm going to throw up. Negative.

I'm out. And I'm tapped out. Oh, I feel like I feel really sick. He was licking food that was on his tooth. Why? But why? That's not even hot. That's not even in the round.

What are you talking about? Of course it's hot. Lick your prosthetic. Pretend that I'm licking your balls or your penis. Or your penis. Or whoever. Whoever's around. I'm licking.

That was rough, man. Yeah. It doesn't. Did you notice? I wish you'd commend me. Oh, by the way, a bunch of people listen to the Burt cast with Bill Burr and myself. And they're like, Tom's breathing heavily into the mic. We were smoking cigars.

Cigars. Right. You dicks. Also, catch us on the last episode of the JRE we did it last week. If you guys haven't already seen that, heard it, whatever. Joseph Rogan's show. Yes. I got a fanny pack from him and I was opposed to it for years and I really, really enjoy

it. You really fit for it. Well, because when I take baby jeans out in public, you've got a diaper bag, a baby. I don't have. Where do I put my stupid purse? Yeah. So I was cramming my pockets full of my phone, my money and women's clothing. There's no pockets.

Yeah. So I was forced kind of in a way to use it. And I'm a huge fan. I'm a huge advocate now for the fanny pack. It's for real moms only. It really surprised me. Yeah. Oh.

Yeah. It really surprised me. That was so gross. Really? It had many layers and tears to it. You shit a lot the other day, remember? You know, what I was actually going to bring up was that at my show in Ontario, thank you to everybody that came to the Ontario improv last Thursday, really fun two shows.

Second show, somebody punched another dude in the face. It's happening to our shows. And I, I tried to, I didn't bring it up during the show because I've learned that on a late night, if that happened, let it go. Yeah. I kind of let it go. I kind of wanted to bring it up later in the show, but honestly, I forgot, but what I was told what happened was a guy was smoking in line and another guy goes, Hey man, my

girl has asthma. Do you mind going over there to smoke? Yeah. And the guy just turned around. Punched him. Wow. And that was a late show Friday. Thursday.

Thursday. Wow. Alcohol tends to play a role in, in that. But I, that was a verified story from multiple accounts. I don't know if that's really how it went down, but that's what people were saying. Wow. I thought that was pretty. Dude, someone got punched out in my showroom in Tacoma.

Yeah. It's come on your comedy club. I don't know if I talked about it on this show, but. Yeah. Punched out. What is happening to the world? What is going on guys? I don't know, man.

Don't punch at our shows. Could you not? Punching people. What the fuck? I liked that the guy was just asked. Right. Hey man, do you, could you go over there? Fuck you man.

Yeah. That's some prison shit. You know? Could be. Well, it's really neat. Yeah. Um, I had really good time in Dallas and Pustin and Seattle, um, and, uh, and, uh, Portland. Yeah.

It was really fun. Can I, can I, I'm going to read you an exchange I had with someone that, um, worked at the club in Dallas. Can I, can I read this to you? Sure. You know, when you come across people, um, who give a shit so little that you're like, wow, I, I, I kind of almost, um, admire your level of not giving a fuck. Of course.

Let me see if I can find it. You know, I switched, uh, phones. Oh shoot. You know what? Hmm. I think it's gone. Really? Yeah.

I had no phone this last week. Like whatever you want, grab them by the pussy. Like that? Like just not caring? Like not caring. I'll, I'll paraphrase. So I fucked up my phone and I didn't have a SIM card in it and, um, so I had no way of making phone calls as I was traveling through Dallas and Houston.

And for me, I, that's, that's annoying a lot. There's no public phones anymore. Do you know that? No. Like in the airport, they ripped out all the public phones so you can't even really make a public phone call. So I text this person, employee in Dallas, I was like, um, hey, I can only communicate if I'm on wireless.

I don't have a phone. Can you just meet me in, in baggage claim and then we can go to the hotel. Yeah. Which is standard. Which is normal. And I think not an odd request. And he right this. Yeah.

He writes back. Okay. And then a few minutes later, he goes, you know, I really, I don't want to pay to park. Can you, can you just stand outside and then I'll just drive around? And I was like, um, I'll pay for parking. Yeah. Just come in. You know, and, um, like really you're that fucking lazy as a human being.

Like my fucker, you can't park and walk 20 steps. There's a lot of really lazy people in comedy comedy to just meet the, the headliner of one night. I'm just there for one night. I don't know anybody in Dallas. Like I don't have a phone. I'm a grown woman. The best is when you go, um, you have the arrangement and you go like, Hey, I'm here.

I'm at baggage claim and they're like, I should be there in 20 minutes. Right. And you're like, you know that I'm flying across the country. Across the, I flew across the country today for you. And then you go, and then they're like, Hey, uh, almost there. And you're like, it's been like 25, 30 minutes standing there like a dog. You couldn't have been here. I know I was here on time.

Why aren't you fucking here on time? It's not a huge request. So then this person, um, when they shut up, I was like, he was, he gave me grief for it. He was like, well, normally, uh, just drive around a bunch and the person stands out there. I'm like, I didn't, I'm sorry. I didn't want to do that.

Like, uh, and then the car ride was silence and then the car ride to the airport. The next morning was total silent. He wouldn't even talk to me because you asked him to come in. I think so. Cause I was a little like uppity. Yeah. I think that was a huge request for this person to park and walk in and meet the headliner of the club for one night.

Right. Right. It was so, it was so, uh, it really made me, uh, sad. And then the next day that's when I listened to top 40 music. He was listening in the morning and full blast and the commercials too would listen through the commercials. Loud. Right.

Which to me is in total, if you're retarded, if you're listening to radio commercials full volume and you're like, I don't care, whatever, whatever goes in my ear holes, I don't care. Retarded. I'm retarded. Yeah. Yeah. So anyway, that was retarded. Am I my love of reacting here?

I feel like. No, I think it's, I mean, I think it's an emotional response. Like it's, it's what happens when you go like, you know, I do this pretty seriously. Yeah. I take it seriously. Yeah. About things. Yeah.

And then when I feel like you slag off, it's, uh, it's upsetting, you know, it's when you don't want to put in effort to do something, it's like, I'm putting an effort. Yeah. I'll put an effort, you know, to get here. I'm going to do. Yeah. I fucking care. Yeah.

Why don't you care? Like whatever. Yeah. And then he made me, he then he let me pay for the parking, but class, four dollars. He took my four fucking dollars. Yeah. I'm like, wow, bro. You got to be kidding me.

Yeah. But Dallas was great. Houston was great. Everybody's great. All our fans are maize. I mean, they're all, they're always fantastic. Yeah. Yeah.

So they made up for it, but I was like, what the fuck? Unreal. Like you don't give a shit about anything, huh? You know when people just don't give a fuck about their lives? Yeah. Like, how do you not give a fuck about your life that I'm like, I can tell if you don't care about this, you don't care about a lot of stuff, man. Yeah.

I agree. Shit. It's upsetting. It's upsetting how just how cheap and shitty some, some can be. You know, there's some good clubs out there. There's some good owners that run it well, that care, that want to treat you well. And it's not luxury stuff. It's just like, you know, care, you know, they care.

Yeah. I don't demand. Just such a bullshit on the other hand. I don't demand like bring me a limousine or I demand, you know, Fiji water in my green room. I'll tell you something that's like, I think I've said it before, but it's just so, it makes you feel like shit when, when they'll send someone with a filthy car to pick you up.

Yeah. It really upsets me where like a car comes in, there's trash, trash. And then they have to move the trash off for your seat. You're like, am I supposed to sit in here? Come on. Like this is how you treat the person. I mean, it makes me feel like really disrespected. Yeah, it should.

Cause it is. You wouldn't pick up your friend in a thing, not only like a work person, it's a, it's a work relationship. That's the thing. If you worked in an office and you're asked to pick up an executive, would you show up in a trashy car? I know. Like food.

Well, it just shows like, it's usually from the top on down when it's like, you know, it's like the, that's how they run the club. Yeah. They don't care. It had been a minute and it had been a minute since I experienced, um, I don't give a fuckery like that. Or I was like, all right, dude. It's pretty bad.

You're crazy. It's pretty bad. Anyways. That was my drama. Yeah. That was, um, $4 guys. Yeah. I think I've had a pretty good run lately with that kind of stuff.

You know, pretty good. Yeah. That's good. That's good luck. I've had some nice weights though. Real nice weights. I know. I like after four hour flights where you're like, I just went, I only have two hours

to rest in the hotel and they're like, just make it another hang out. Yeah. I'm almost there. Yeah. I've been picked up. Traffic. No, it's no, it isn't. Or maybe it is.

And maybe you should have thought of that. Right. Before you. Right. Um, I've shown up. I've flown across the country, like fully east coast showed up at like 10 PM at night and the next morning have to do five a.m. press. Yeah.

Yeah. They've been late where they haven't been at the airport. And then my hotel wasn't booked and we had to frantically search for another, oh, my God, you're like, really, bro, this comedy game, man, this comedy game. It's insane, man. Yeah. But hey, you want to hear someone? Everyone else was amazing. So.

How can there be any fucking English? What a silly question. Yeah. The second goal. The fucking first goal. That you and Chris Billy, soft as shit. Wait, Neil Warnock, manager, football manager. Don't let fucking back in.

Jesus Christ. Logan, you and Dubs can do more. I think you eat. Well, we won't tell you what we fucking think. We can do more in there to play in there. We're third in the fucking league and we've got 2000 fans getting pissed on over there. And we ain't got as much passion. Yeah. Wow.

Love it. I like the way he looks, too. You do? Yeah, it looks crazy. That's the worst I've seen, and he's only doing his back in it. Now, the referee is not going to give you a foul. So understand that. You're not going to get anything.

So listen, get it. There's so much sweat. He's lying down when you're going like that. You're going like that. All right, you're going to get a foul away. Give it to him. Give him a foul away. Dang it.

Fuck that. Fuck that. Fuck you. Now, fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. I love that. Fucking hell.

That's a holy British curse. Fucking hell. Yeah, I like that one. You never hear that here. I like that a lot. I do, too. Fucking hell. Fucking hell.

Fucking hell. I like the long socks, too, mummy. I'm wearing my long socks. I'm going to play some football, too, mummy. Did you play soccer? Yes. Third grade. Yeah.

That was it. Americans don't play it past third grade, generally. Now it's getting way more popular here. The FIFO? The next generation, our son's generation, when they're older, I think we're going to have more world-class soccer players, because... And then we're going to stop circumcising everybody. I hope not.

But I think that soccer is going to see an explosion because, yeah, because you're seeing there's more public interest in international games. It's becoming, it's definitely undeniably becoming more popular. So then when that happens, more great athletes that would have played football or baseball or something, you're going to see more of them go to soccer, and I think you'll see more American soccer stars in the next 10, 20 years. It's about time. Yeah.

I mean, we have some good ones, but I think it's going to get even better. It's going to get even better. It's cool. Yeah. I like it. Me, too. I like soccer. I do.

I like watching top-level stuff. I'm watching like a fucking high school game here, but when they have, you know, the really Premier League stuff and the World Cup stuff, I like watching that stuff. Yeah. It's good. It's exciting. It is. So we've got to put them under pressure, aren't we?

And not let them get out. I mean, the first goal for them is... It's got time. Oh, Jesus. How many times have we done that? I know. I know. I fucking know.

We don't want you to know. We want us to fucking stop it out here. Yeah. I don't know. I like when a coach really loses it, though. I like this accent. He's aspirated. He's just fucking grabbing his hair.

Yeah. He doesn't know what to do anymore. That's the sign of real passion mixed with real anger. Yeah. Yes, I agree. I really like that. Now, what part of the UK is this man from Master of Accents? Where do you identify this?

Oh, yeah. I mean, this is clear. This is so southern. Not even a death. It's probably from Mauritius de Croix. Now, we've got 45 minutes. I'm not bothered about a fucking result. Now, we've lost the game as far as I'm concerned.

Yeah. I'm on about now, Neil Warnock's side out there. Fucking 2,000 fans out there. One goal and they will panic. Now, everybody concentrate on the backpack. Don't be soft as shit. Now, let's go out and give them a fucking round of applause. Come on.

Don't be soft as shit. I love it. Yeah. I think it's from Darryl Farrig. Darryl Farrig. Where? Probably here was Farrig. Here is Farrig.

Or Darryl Farrig. Third Farrig. Yeah. Clearly. You and Chris NBERLY, soft as shit. Soft as shit. Soft as shit. I like it.

Speaking of international. Yeah. Want to see something cool? Yeah. Good morning. Good morningbone Farrig. Okay, great. You have a wet problem.

You have a wet problem. But Crisler. But Crisler. And you are instead are better than they are better than Gang. So. You have a wet problem. You have a wet problem. But Crisler.

But Crisler. And you are. And you are. Better. Better. Than Tom. Than Tom. Oh my God.

That was a maze. Oh. Holy shit. That was the coolest thing we've ever gotten. I know. And. Oh my gosh. I am so regretful that it doesn't say in my, I have a clip bank here.

Oh. Who actually did this. Thank you so much. Couple things. Oh my gosh. Bert Crisler is so enormous. Yeah. And he keeps getting bigger.

Yeah. And he is indeed fatter than Tom. And I'm glad that it's something we're seeing the world. The world over. I understand. You know. It's really great. And I like that we're teaching the next generation.

Yeah. About how fat Bert is too. Yeah. And I love that these little. Wow. That was so cute. I know they're so cute. Can we adopt like 10 of them all?

Yeah. You have a friend calling. Okay. Bert Crisler. Bert Crisler. And you are. And you are. Fatter.

Fatter. Than Tom. Than Tom. That's amazing. And I love it in, in India too. You know what I mean? I'm just going to text him this file. Yeah.

Just going to tell him. He needs to see this. Hey buddy. You know what? Probably not make him so fat as if he spent some time in India. Yeah. Just ate something. So funny.

Off the street. Bart has a, a new special coming out. Yeah. It's coming out in November. He's shirtless. Oh no. Oh no. Bad choice.

So like even as the, the bird is fat thing, Tom is fat kind of died down. Yeah. When that, when those like promos start airing and. Oh my God. And the stills of it, you know, to promote it are going to be out. He's going to get hammered so hard. It's going to be really, really great. By the way, um, I mentioned it at like a tag last show, there is a new shirt.

It is the, uh, what is it? It's called DJ dad mouth. DJ dad. That's a good one. Has a new shirt. Um, I wanted to see if I have the, uh, the thing to show you. I don't see it here. Maybe I have another email.

But in the meantime, I actually did the weather a few weeks ago. I played like a super clip of me doing, you know, regular new stuff. I've never done the weather before and let me do the weather as DJ dad mouth. Oh nice. Let's see it. I wanted to show you that. See if I can play this. Hey everybody.

Welcome back. CW Iowa live morning show. I'm James Peterson back on my side here in front of the weather wall with duck tape. Duck tape. Also known as Mr. Segura. What's up, man? We wanted to come in. He wanted to come in front of the chrome wall.

He's never stood in front of a green wall. So if you folks at home don't know, this is called a chroma key. AKA green screen. Green screen. I'm going to let him do the weather. I'm going to step out of here. He's going to tell you about the rainfall. Let's talk about rain real quick, man.

Over here. See the rabbits here. Man, you got a little over inch. That's nothing. Look at Spencer. Spencer. Man, y'all are wet. Man, it's so easy.

What is this deck? Dekora. Dekora. They have no rain. Or you just felt lazy. You didn't put like putting in the total. There's Waterloo. There's other places.

And I got duck tape. Duck tape. For Dekora. I'm not going to put on the wall. But here I would cover this up. Like that. Because you guys disrespected Dekora. And you also disrespected Davenport.

Yeah. Let's see what else we got. We're going to show the sky cam. Oh, sky cam. Oh, look at this. We'd like to thank our sponsors at Orton Homes. Yes. If you're looking for a house and you have money,

contact Orton Homes. And they'll help you get it. And if something breaks, we'll put duck tape on it. Duck tape. It's currently 63 here. And Desmois. And the conditions are fair. I even got in one of our dumb pronunciations.

Yeah, I love it. I love it. Somewhat sunny. Somewhat cloudy. Watch this full trick. Watch this full trick. Ah! If you're sweating, it's not a health matter.

It's 93% humidity right now. It is muggy outside. The winds are coming out of the west, southwest. Yeah. At around six miles an hour. If you don't have duck tape, make sure you pick some up today. It solves so many issues. Duck tape, yo ass today.

Dekora's not there on this one either. They're obviously having technical issues. So that's a technical problem. So it is a good idea to bring out the duck tape. Yes. You could duck tape over them and we'll just get back to this later. I also have blue gaffers tape. Here's your future tracker.

This was fun. All right, future tracker. I got to do the... I'm going to put... I'm going to let you play. You have to type. What do you feel like, man? Just a wall.

There's water there. And then Minneapolis is snowing very hard right now. And also in Kansas City, there's a lot of snow and fire. And you see that right there. It does look like fire. Future tracker is letting you know that there's some rain. It's good stuff. Other things.

Orton Homes doesn't sponsor this segment. Anything else? All right. No, we're going to walk back over here. Duck tape. Duck tape. There you go. Very good work, Tommy.

Thanks, baby. I'm real proud of you. Here is the... Duck tape. The new shirt, man. Oh, it looks good. Yeah. So it's a DJ dad mouth.

Love it. A listener drew this. It's got your mom's house on the hat. It's got the gold... It's a great drawing. Yeah. Yeah. It's really good.

Let me see if I can pull up his... I think I have his info, his name, just so I can give him the proper credit. Because he did a great job. His name is Collins. Yeah. The Chopper Man on Instagram. The Chopper Man. Chopper.

Chopper. That is his pubes. Thank you very much for doing that. And thank you to everybody that did order the DJ dad mouth shirt. Please order one. Looks good. I like it. It's kind of old school, white and black.

You don't do a lot of white and black. It's good. It looks good. It looks good with that design though. Yeah. You can do it that way. That's rad. So thank you.

Very nice. Now, unbelievably, Jeans, you got a phone call. Salome. It never ends. It never ends. And I was so... I had my phone in my hand and I was just walking into a building and the phone rang and it was like the good fortune of us like, I immediately was like, I don't touch the phone.

I don't want to mess this up. Yeah. And then I texted you and I'm like, I got it. The Persian lady's back. Haven't heard it yet. You just forwarded to me. So stop. She just called me on Friday.

Here it is. I haven't heard it yet. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. That's a lot going on. That's a long message. And there's clearly another woman that she's very upset about.

It's a fucking bitch. She said a bitch. Fuck her. And it's about her fucking money. Money. Yeah. She called her a whore, too. There's some word that we learned that was bad.

Yeah. But she's, um, Wow. What is happening? Really fired. Here's the beginning again. Hello. Sorry.

I said it's not a bad thing. My father was trying to save her money. Something to save her money. Yeah. Fuck a bitch. Somebody's trying to screw her over. I love this, dude. Dude, Salome never, but here's the thing.

Doesn't she sometimes actually see Salome? Right. And be like, Hey, did you get my message? Or like, or that thing I told you about. And then Salome is like, No, I never get your calls. I never, yeah, I never do. So like, Dude, I'm so stoked.

She's back though. I feel like I was worried that there was a lull in our relationship. And now she's back again. So yeah, this is a maze. We need somebody who speaks Farsi to come in here. Maybe and do you think we should call her one day and talk to her and be like, What's your job? I guess you know what I mean?

Like to wrap this up or yeah, I just feel like we need, we need closure on this. Who are you? She speaks some English. Right. We just call her one day and be like, I know you've been looking for Salome. She's like, what? How the fuck do you know this shit? Yeah.

We have to piece together all the translations first. Yeah. Like, look, I just want to tell you, we have plastic bags on the trees. So the squirrels don't need it. We know about this bitch is fucking you over for money and we want to help. Right. We want to help you. And she's like, fuck you.

Yeah. Where is Salome? Salome is okay. She's in the basement. She's tied up. You can have her back. But first we want the password. Yeah.

Her and I've been getting, I still get calls for Chinaz. There's a lot of nursing opportunities in Florida that she's been missing out on for the last year since I've had this phone number. Yeah. But then Adis, I stopped getting calls for Adis because he left rehab early and they were looking for him. It kind of makes you want to get a new number just to see if there's any exciting things that'll happen for my phone number.

If you're lucky. I mean, I feel like this number, it's a real blessing in the skies. And it was like once a lifetime. Do you give it out? Yeah. You know that happened to Joe? Did that on accident one time? He did.

He tried to direct message somebody his number and he tweaked it. Oh shit. Oh shit. His phone shut down. Like it was like, I couldn't handle the volume. Oh shit. Yeah. That'd be terrible.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. What is this? You sent me 22 seconds. Is this good? What is this?

Oh, it's a, it's a fart. It's a fart. Yeah. Tag a friend to tell them good morning. I just figured you'd like it. Oh, good morning. Good morning sexy boy. I just like her.

Good morning. I like that she did it in a sexy way. Right. She can still maintain her sex appeal. Good morning. Good morning. Oh, that's the fucking teacher. Oh, Salome, don't show that to people that did nosy rosy.

Can I, did you see nosy rosy? Oh, can you, if it's too hard to pull up. Oh, is that in your Instagram? Okay. I was, um, I loved, I, there's a few things Instagram knows I like. I, I like goth stuff and then I like tiny dogs. So I get a lot of the, you know, they really recommend people's feeds to you. And I found one under tiny dogs that really, really struck my heart.

Nosey rosy. Where are you? What are you doing? Nosey rosy. Hey, it's the weekend. What's your plan? I will go out and get drunk. I got to do some techno and dancing.

Make sure no one roofing you. Okay. Okay. Do you want to go to party? You want to go clubbing? You want to wear some high heels and go to a club? Nosey rosy. Where are you?

I think he wants to put on some high heels and go to the club and do a movie. That's what he does. I couldn't find nosy rosy. It did remind me of that old clip we had. Yes. I think it's him. A pipi stuck in butter all now. It's not him, but it definitely sounds like him.

Pipi stuck in butter. Oh no. His paper is stuck in butter. Oh no. Oh no. That guy is great. Look at that. He's crazy.

He's crazy. What are you doing? Oh, there's nothing. It is dogs too. It's dogs. It's stuck. It's stuck. And they're humping.

Oh my God. Tina's got stuck in another dog. Oh my God. Oh my God. I think he's stuck. You have a good motherfucking night. That's Carla. I'm Carla all day.

Now I think that's a Singaporean accent because Chin Chin is from, it says he's in Singapore because I, of course, immediately went to every post this guy's ever done. Oh, but people of that, of this here. Yeah. Oh no. They gave us a bunch of feedback. Where was from? Yeah, that he was, I can't remember now.

I think Cambodian or something. Oh no. They were saying that. Well, you're the master of accents. You tell me. I know. His paper is stuck in butter. Oh no.

Yeah, Cambodian. Yeah. What about the Chin Chin owner? This guy? That guy, dude. Yeah. He went to go clubbing. Go clubbing.

Don't get roofing. Oh no. Oh no. Nosey Rosie. He's super gay. So great. Oh no. Oh no.

Oh no. No, no. The Rosie guy. Nosey Rosie. Yeah, Nosey Rosie. He went to go clubbing. They didn't do techno music. Horrible techno music.

Grabbing by the pussy. Yeah. He wants to get his pussy grabbed. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. There's a new accent working on.

Okay. No. We have a fan question. Like me to read it to you. Any come in those bowls? Okay. Dearest mommies, my girlfriend and I are having quite the debate about how one enters the shower.

Go ahead. I like a civilized educated and well hydrated mommy prefer to pull the shower curtain door towards the front of the shower. I don't understand. Enter the back. Oh god. And approach the water like someone who doesn't have daddy issues. My cave dwelling counterpart, however, chooses to pull the curtain door back and enter directly

into the water. Yeah. It's as if she's so hydrated, the thought of being immediately boiled to death or frozen salad doesn't pass into her mind as the water temperature adjusts. I'm sorry. It says if she's so dehydrated, I'm willing to bet she even likes the vomit flavored lemon lime Gatorade. I'd greatly appreciate any input from the true water champion Tommy.

And if the main mommies Tina lives aren't so chapped, the speaking would split them. I'd enjoy her input as well. Yours truly scooter MacGyver scooter. Great question. And you are dating a psychopath. You absolutely are to approach shower temperature water that way. You walk in, you gauge the room, the scenario, you know where your exits are at. Okay.

And then you, you can even feel sometimes just by standing, you don't have to touch water. You can feel the, the temperature it's putting off, make some adjustments, maybe put a hand or an arm in and then you slowly, you kind of walk into it as you are finding the temperature you're like, you don't just walk in like a crazy person. I totally disagree. Oh yeah. But you don't know what you're talking about. I would always entered when we had sliding doors in and redondo jeans.

Yeah. I would always enter on the front. You mean to tell me you would enter in the back. If there's a front and a back shower. Yeah. I would walk in to the back and walk up to it. Yeah. Never.

I would always go in. Yeah. So fine. I think about how stupid it is. I would always go in and they go, ah, fuck, fuck. Right. Like move my body around the. Only way that I would do it the other way you're talking about the only way I do it like that

would be if I was like testing the water, right? Find my right temperature. But if it's one of those we turn on, it's running. No, I would walk in and engage it. Like that's how I do hotels. I'm like, all right. No, I've been doing it stupid my whole life. I just realized.

Will you change now? Yeah. But for 40 years of my life or whatever, I've been doing it dumb and I've been just burning myself. Yeah. Like walking around the stream. Back of the shower. Never too late.

Never too late to change stupid. Yeah. It is. Right. So dumb. Why have I been doing it dumb? Yeah. It's like when you discovered the, the fire, fires, yogurt that you can put the, the sweet

part. If you bend it over, fold it over into the yogurt. Yes. I was doing it wrong too. Right. It'd be like going to a batting cage and being like, I want to see one come out. Just let it fuck it. You'd watch one.

You know, like, let me see how this thing comes out real quick. Yeah. Yeah. God, I've been an idiot for a long time on that one. The other thing you're being pointed out about you is another email. Go ahead. Called Tina the serial killer. Okay.

Something's been bothering me all week. Tina talks about how Tommy, the main mommy is mentally unstable and probably going to kill her in her sleep. As we found out, Tina enjoys watching men get brutally kicked in the balls. She laughs real hard at it. She even openly admits she'd do that type of porn herself. That's some serial killer level shit. It's her torturing of animals.

Say what you want about Tom finding that funny video of the Asian getting run over by a car funny, but Tommy isn't offering to drive the car. Tommy, I'm worried about your safety and what your wellbeing. Watch your back buns, Carl. Thanks Carl. And actually I've been thinking the same thing and I've actually purchased a room divider. I'm going to use at night to make sure that I sleep peacefully and safely and that I don't have you to worry about because I do think you really get excited by that.

I do. It's physical harm being inflicted by a woman. You really get off. Yeah. I like it. Well, listen, you're forgetting one important aspect of that is that the guy is asking for that thing. Yeah.

Okay. So she's not just doing it. He wants that and you're just meeting somebody's very sick needs. So what's wrong with that? What's more beautiful than sharing your bed? Babe. What's beautiful is a blanket. It's a beautiful thing.

You think it's a beautiful thing? What's more beautiful than a woman kicking a man in the balls when he desperately wants that to happen? I can think of a few things. Something else. Hold on. Let's see if that, no. Does that work?

Yes. Something I want to point out to you. Last week on the show. Give me a sip of your dirty ashtray, please. I think it's empty. Yeah, you drank all that brown shit. No, it's not all down, but yeah. We've got to be so nasty, Tom.

We've got to be so nasty all the time. Last time on the show. Oh my God, that was terrible. You made a handshake agreement that you would eat dog food. Well, the reason you wanted to, you had a great hypothesis. You wondered aloud. You said, if a person eats a bunch of dog food, will their shit smell like dog shit? I didn't.

No, I didn't come up with that thought. That was a listener. Okay. Email. It was not my thought. Okay. I don't remember that. So I'm glad you pointed that out.

Yeah. Not your thought. So what I want to know is you don't want to do it. I don't want to. You don't have to do it. If you don't want to. Well, I want to know if it's true. I think that's a great experiment to try.

So what I have for you, a bottle, a can of beef, small and toy breed, dog food, no, no. Are you serious? Well, let's see if it has you. First of all, you said you were kidding, but I was kidding. You said you would take a bite, babe. So what I don't know is here's the thing we need to find out. Here's a bit. Thank you.

Thank you. I got it from your son said he would lend it to you. Okay. What we need to find out though, oh my God, is if you eat this whole can, I'm not eating the whole can. We said a bite. Okay. Let's see how it affects your, your dumps and your smells.

Are we being serious? Yeah. You really want me to do this? You gave a solid handshake that you would try a bike, but we said that you buy me this ring that I've been eyeballing. I will buy you a ring. It's a hundred dollar ring. It's not that crazy.

Okay. But yeah, for sure. How much? What's a bite? I mean, just if you're, I think you should just try it. Can you smell it? Try smelling it. Of course I can smell it.

I've fed him this shit this morning. It actually, like it's, here's the thing. It's not bad. Now you read all these new agey kind of books and things. Why don't you just picture that it's something else? Close your eyes. Mmm. It's, it's waffles with whipped cream.

It's delicious. The thing is, let's see what's in this. Is that, so I feed bitsy and thief every morning, obviously, and bitsy's food smells like just a dirty feet and trash. Like it's kibble. It's disgusting. But every time I open thief's food, I'm like, this isn't terrible. All right.

That's what you're holding right now. And it's not, it's, it's grody. Like I know that the shit in it is gross, but the gravy kind of, it's not bad. Smell it. The gravy's not bad. Just take it away. No, I'm serious. Just smell it.

You don't have to eat it. Just smell it. Yeah, it's not bad. It's not bad. It's not terrible. Okay. So let's see. This is, this is hill science diet.

And we put thief on the special wet food because he had crystal in his urine and doesn't even have. Okay. It's in this water chicken pork liver. That's all edible brown rice, carrots, right? Delish. Yeah. Modified starch, wheat flour, potatoes, starch, pork plasma.

What's pork plasma? It's good. It's good for you. Dry beet pulp potatoes. It's not keto. So I can't really get involved, but I think it is keto. No, listen, listen. There's good stuff in here.

Okay. Okay. Sulfate, potassium, vitamins, E supplement, okay. So this isn't bad. L, I, Z, and I take, I take all this stuff. The fans await you. What do you think? Can you give it?

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. A nibble. How big of a bite though? You don't have to have a huge bite. Just a little chunk.

Try it. Yeah. I was on road rolls, guys. I was on road rolls. I can do this. It's chunky. How about if I, do I have to eat a piece of meat or can I just taste the gravy? How about I just taste, taste the gravy?

Is that enough? Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Let me just taste the, because that's kind of what I'm curious that the meat looks like tofu. It doesn't even look like real meat, but the gravy, it does smell delicious. I have to say.

Are you going to give me the ring? Yes. Definitely. Go ahead. Okay. Ready? Yep. It's on the tongue.

It's on the tongue. How bad, how bad? Your eyes are a little watery. It's a little watery. It's not bad. Picture John soccer's taking his thing out. You know what? It's not, it's not terrible.

Yeah. It's not, you know what it tastes like? Like a Vietnamese food. That's so insulting. So incredibly offensive to our Vietnamese friends. Like, oh no. Kind of like that oyster sauce, like that, the smell of oyster sauce, like it's kind of.

It's actually making my eyes water. Not terrible. Not great. Okay. You got your ring. Don't worry about it. Yes. Oh, this email just, I just saw this email now.

Oh, you nasty. Why give me some nasty time? You ready? Yeah. I'm going to put that down. I can't believe I just put that right now. The subject line says ex-dog food manufacturer here. Don't do it.

Tina. Too late, bro. I heard your podcast today and I heard about the dog food challenge. No, dog food isn't low grade meat. Meat is the last thing left from an animal that can be salvaged. I worked in a huge slaughterhouse in Texas 20 years ago and worked in the rendering department. All of the guts, heads, shit, et cetera is cooked up to make the raw material of dog food.

Also, everything is washed down the drains and we cooked that too. The water would be placed in a huge tank. The water we placed in a huge tank of water and air would be bubbled up through that and the fat would float to the top. We would cook that up too. The guys would throw their boots, old knives, flying cockroaches, rats, and the algorithm gets cooked up and sold to Purina for dog food. If we were behind in cooking, we had the slaughter guys place the heads in the boxes to be cooked

later. Big boxes that hold probably 50 heads. Heads increase the cook time so that allowed us to catch up. The boxes would be placed out in the sun. We'd cook them on Sunday when the slaughterhouse isn't running. These heads baked in the sun and became covered in maggots. Okay. It looks like they're moving from the thousands of maggots crawling in.

I'm going to throw up. Thank you. Guess where that went? All sold to Purina to make dog biscuits. Don't ever eat dog food. Oh boy. That was great. It's all the same too.

Don't fall for that fancy feast bullshit. It's all the same material we provided. Purina adds some other ingredients, but the raw material comes from the gutters of a slaughterhouse. I attached a picture. I have more if you want more proof. So. He attached a picture. Yeah, it looks like this is what...

Can I have something to eat it? Oh boy. This is the floor. Oh God, I need something to eat. You feel fine? I mean, not right now. Not after hearing that. I want to eat like a peanut or something.

Yeah. It's not bad. No, wait. Don't eat the peanut. Why? Because then it'll mess with what you ate for the fart shit challenge. Will your shit smell like dog shit? I think I have to eat a lot more before we can tell if my shit will smell like a dog shit.

Yeah. That's true. That's nasty, dude. Dude, you're nasty, man. It doesn't taste that bad though. No. I feel like it's not... It just tasted like Vietnamese food.

Yeah. Like gravy. You keep going there. Yeah. The gravy's good. It smelled okay, I mean. But the hard food, I wouldn't eat the kibble. The kibble's nasty.

Yeah, I wouldn't have done that. I really wasn't thinking you'd do that. Really? Well, not really. I thought you would have put up more of a fight. I was in road rules. You stuck to your word. Of course.

I was on road rules. When were you on road rules? Shut up. I took the physical challenge. I was season four. We were in Amsterdam. What season were you on? He never did in Amsterdam.

Yeah, he did. In season four we did. Okay. Of course, I keep my word. You think I'm going to chimp out on a fucking handshake deal? Chimp out? What's that mean? I don't know.

I just came out. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you. I'll get your lollipop ring today. Thank you. Yeah. It wasn't that. Honestly, not that bad.

Really? No. Don't encourage people to do it though. I'm not encouraging people with maggots and shit in it. Yeah. I've always been tempted. Now you know. I can't.

Now you know if something falls on the ground, you can just go down there and lick it up. Don't have to waste it. I can't wait to eat dog food. Yeah. It's so crazy. Would you try it? You want to try it? What would it take for you to try it?

Nope. Just a little. Just the gravy. The gravy's good. Dude, what's going on with our mouths? I haven't been to a dentist since we moved here. It's not good. We've got to go now.

I can't get the taste out of my mouth of dog food. What if they go, you've been eating too much dog food? We've got, you have a lot of cavities from all the dog food. What if I started getting into the beef's food? There are carrots in it too. We're guilty. We're guilty as charge men. I know.

We're not being good. Well, here's why. I wanted to wait until we moved to the new neighborhood before I start going to the dentist. Like why not just wait and then go for a checkup? What if they are like, if you've been eating, you've got canine teeth now. B-dub, thank you for this flostrum shit's beat. Let's, let's, let's read in our listener email here to my dearest mommies. I recently had my bottom wisdom teeth removed because they were impacted wisdom teeth, meaning

that they grew in almost completely sideways. Oh boy. I had large pockets in which food would build up. Yes, I've had that. I did absolutely everything to get rid of the amazing remaining food, yet absolutely nothing could do the trick. That being said, there had to be. Infected, right?

That had to be something. Local CVS bought a water pick and it literally changed my life. Yeah. I keep hearing that about water picks. I can't use them because I have veneers. Oh yeah. They pop right off. Flossing is merely the hand job of dental hygiene.

I would highly recommend buying one, especially one with a variety of different attachments. Also, I found that with a bit of mouthwash or hydrogen peroxide, it will truly leave your mouth feeling amazed. Love you mommies. I hope that one day you'll be able to experience the wonder that is a water pick. I got to do this. Nico, thanks Nico. We had one at the old house.

I don't remember. We never used it. Now we have a countertop. I can actually. Yeah. It was too small back then. Yeah. Thank you for the email.

Go to yourmomshousepodcast.com and order your water pick through our Amazon bank. Mommies, I feel compelled to tell you one of the most insane dental updates I've ever heard. Dr. Dating my boyfriend for five years and hours of listening to you guys. I finally gained the courage to tell him to go to the tennis. Oh, wow. And see how he can improve on his teeth. Good. We live in San Diego where we saw Tom at the American Comedy Club and Dennis in Mexico

are much, much cheaper, equally professional option. He came back and said he has to get gum grafts onto his teeth. Oh boy. Here are the options. Take tissue from the roof of his mouth and graft it into the front of his teeth. Or from a fucking cadaver. Yes, I heard this. Dead motherfucking body.

I'm horrified to think that I'm kissing another person's mouth when he gets it done. But that's the sacrifice we're willing to make for a perfect smile. Keeping it high and tight. Come back to San Diego. Audrey. Audrey, I got to compliment, I got to commend you on saying something after five years that will ultimately make him feel better and look better. You know, it's hard to say those things.

She told him you should do something about your toothies. They must have been pretty bad, the gums. If you need grafts, maybe they need to be, oh boy. Yeah, but think about how hard it is for her to say something. Yeah. Yeah, I know. Do you have something you want to tell me? Yeah.

Is that why you're bringing that up? No, I just think that it's commendable that like it's hard to do that. It's so hard. I think that's actually a loving thing to do. I think so. I would definitely go for the skin on my own mouth than a cadaver, right? I don't know. I would have it explained to me in very clear Spanish first.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Maybe not do it in Mexico. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know that's not necessarily the truth. I mean, come on, there's a bunch of teeth down there. That's true.

That's true. Maybe it's great. Wow. I mean, yeah, it's got to be hard to tell someone that for sure. Yeah. You hear how much better that one was? You know what I did there? I didn't force it.

Just let it kind of. Interesting. Very zen approach. Yeah. Hold on. That was a dog food burp. I know. You have maggots in you right now.

I know. I didn't like that. Like all the other stuff that he said didn't bother me until I heard the maggots. Now I'm trying not to think about it that I just ate dog food with maggots in it. This is something I've always wanted to ask about. I've never known about this. Another email came in. How to massage my wife for longer than two seconds.

It says after unpleasant experience having my wisdom teeth removed when I was 18 and having sworn off a dentist last week before my 29th birthday, I decided it was time to go back for a checkup after one of my back molars turned brown. Oh. Oh. I brushed my teeth once in the morning. I'm very good about flossing throughout the day. But after 11 years of smoking and negligence, all I needed was a deep cleaning and two fillings.

The brown tooth was due to me not having an adult tooth come in and the baby tooth started to die. Oh, I've seen that. Baby tooth. I've seen that. Yeah. There's nothing I could have done about it. They said they can pull it out if it starts to turn to hurt down the line.

All of this cost me $100. What? Many dentists these days will cut you a huge deal if you become a member of their office, which for me is $5 a month. Wow. And we'll usually also throw in a free whitening kit. Thank you, mommy, for helping me toughen up and make the appointment. My Tifras are so much prettier now and my genes have never been higher or tighter.

Stephen, I will want to say this too. First of all, we are on the fucking line now. We have to do something. I know. We have to go get our Toofies cleaned. We do. Secondly, I've had friends of mine tell me with regard to other medical things they needed. If you're like, oh, I need to have this done.

I don't have the insurance. Yeah. I know doctors many times will make a deal for you if you pay cash. Yeah. So you walk in and you just go, I need whatever, whatever. Yeah. Whatever, whatever. A lot of times doctors will make a deal with you.

Well, I'll tell you when we got the panel of retard tests for Ellis when I was pregnant, they wanted to charge us thousands of dollars. And I called the company and I go, we don't have that money. Yeah. They go, can you pay 300? Yeah. Yeah, sure. Sure.

So it's all negotiable, guys. All negotiable. Yeah. You just have to protest, you know what I mean? Anything else, Jeans? Let's see. We did dog food, salami, my water flask. No, I think we're good.

I can't believe I tried dog food. I never thought I would. Now you got to see if it affects your farts. If you take a dog dump, then we know it's a great hypothesis that somebody put out there. Maybe that's why there should smell so bad because it's all maggots and rotten stuff that they eat. Hopefully next week I'll be able to play you some clips from Notches con Bratanito. I got to get ready. I have to go get ready.

Yeah, go get ready. You got to brush up on your Spanish. Yeah. All right. Thank you for listening. I love you. I love you. I love you.

Here's a kick my balls by DJ Orlando airport. And that is our closing song. Bye guys. Hi, mommy. Pick me as hard as you came in the balls that's good. Pick me as hard as you came in the balls Pick me as hard as you came in the balls

Pick me as hard as you came in the balls Pick me as hard as you came in the balls