Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 366-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: October 19, 2016

This week, the mommies watch a bunch of public service announcements, some hilarious, some horrible. They also get a translation for the Persian voicemail, which kicks us off to a journey into Christina's childhood. Wipe down!

Let's start the show, ready? Oh, wait, okay. Let's do it. Russia had its own Pussy Riot moment. What do you think of Donald Trump's Pussy Riot moment? Well, I don't know whether this would... English is not my mother tongue. I don't know whether I would sound, I mean, decent.

There are so many pussies around your presidential campaign on both sides that I prefer not to comment about this. Oh, my goodness. I wasn't expecting that. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Your mom in the fucking stand! Welcome, welcome, welcome to your mom's house.

With Don Segura talking to Sue Sue. Christina Pazitsyn, Christina Pazitsyn. Welcome to your mom's house. Hello. My girlfriend, Christian, I'm on board. Your girlfriend and my dad. Ha, ha, ha. That's not possible.

Remember, it used to be my... Our joke was that Christian, I'm on board as my girlfriend. Dude, you love Christian. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm per-per-per. I do, I do, I think. She's your older lady attraction. Yeah. She's your freebie.

Because I would... You know why? I want to have dinner with Christian. She's the best, dude. I want to, like... Pick her brain, just have, you know... Yeah. Ask, I want to ask her questions about the world.

And you know, and you know what? I'd let you give her the D. Babe. She's your, your freebie. That's my hall pass. That's your hall pass. I'll take it. She's rad, dude.

She is rad. Yeah. Smart, attractive. Here's her. You just, you just told her that I'm allowed to fuck her. Okay. Oh my goodness. I wasn't expecting that.

She's the best, dude. I want to, like, pick her brain. Just have, you know... Yeah. I wasn't expecting that. That's what she just did when she heard that. You know what I like about her, too? Is that she's got old school teeth.

Yeah. Like, she's got her real teeth. Old school, old world teeth. Yeah. Like, she didn't, she didn't jack them up with veneers. And poor do we have a dental update today. Oh my God, there's so much to cover. So much.

First of all, we have to tell people, and this is all on me, I got, we get emails every day and messages every day about people asking for access to old episodes. And a long time ago, I don't even remember why, but we put like a lock limit for iTunes to I think the past, the most recent 100. And really I didn't think much of it. We just go like, okay, that's what it is. But every day people go, how can I get other episodes? I see that so much that today I was like, babe, will you unlock just putting no limit

on them? Yeah. And you're like, okay, sure. Dude, I don't know if you've checked your feed. I have not. Oh, it's been like, holy shit. Why did I just get 150 episodes? Right.

Because the subscribers, it automatically, I want people to know that the intentions were to say, here you go. Yeah. I'm trying to, we're trying to give them for free, for free and easy access. Sorry guys. I didn't realize that would happen. Yeah. I didn't consider that.

I thought it was like a cool thing that you'd be like, oh, great. I didn't think about that because it would show up in the subscriber feeds, like they're, oh shoot. So like their phones are full. Sorry guys. So pick and choose the ones you like. But anyways, now once you situate that, it's so that you can listen to them at any time. Yeah.

So the back catalog starts at episode 40. The reason being the first 39 we did with the original Red Band in his studio and then we moved the studio to our own home. And so it started at episode 40. So that's, but, and I don't know if they're in chronological order on, on the lips and feed. For some reason, I don't know how to control that, but yeah, I don't know either. They're not chronologically ordered, but they're all there now and they're on our lips

and page. Uh, if you want to go, go just Google your mom's house RSS and it'll come up all the back catalog. Anyways, it's, um, that is so funny. Yeah. Sorry guys. It's so annoying. It's a lot.

It's really annoying to you. I'm sorry. I was around your presidential campaign on both sides that I prefer not to comment about. Lick my con. Lick it. I hate that woman. Yeah. She's really aggressive.

She's really, really. And sad. About this woman. Oh yeah. I'm on pussy talking to you now. That's positive. Grab him by the pussy. Oh.

Yeah. Grab him by the pussy. There's this ding dong floating around this woman who's like, Donna Trump, he forced himself on me. I was a contestant for Miss Universe and I liked it. Oh, I liked it. You've seen her. She's no, but there that does also have to exist.

Yeah. Because the reason that a guy in power thinks he can do that is because he's done it a few times. Yeah. And a few times it was reciprocated as like, that's awesome. No pushback. So then they go like, I'll just do that to everybody. That's usually from dummies.

Yeah. But I'm just saying maybe she does that might be the highlight of her life. She could be a star fucker who's like, that was amazing. This is actually her. This is the girl from CNN. Oh yeah. What's she talking to you now? There you go.

Is that Cristiana? I'm on point. Yeah. I love it. This guy doesn't know exactly. He's red. He's like trying to say. He's like, there's a lot of pussies everywhere.

He's red. That is your dad. That is my dad. So many pussies around your presidential campaign. I've heard him say things like that. Yeah. I'm not too commentable. You realize the Russians think we're just the ultimate.

Oh yeah. Sissy Nancy boys. Oh yeah. We're so weak to them. They think Obama is so weak to them. You know? What? Smiling and laughing.

Oh yeah. Joy. Joy. Smiling. Laughing. Funny. Yeah. It's for pussies.

Yeah. It's true. Marylandians would think you're a dope if you smiled for no reason. Another thing to point out before we go further. What was that? That was a burp in my throat. God. Didn't that sound horrible?

Yeah. I know. I know. I know. I know. I've had that happen. It's gross. Right.

I missed that. If you're new to the show, big announcements only happen, major announcements after chips have been poured into a bowl. Right. When we got that from the morning radio shows that they usually play bugles and you know, like horns. I've never heard of horns or whatever. I've never heard of her before too as a bugle.

What did they go? I think horn. Horn. Yeah. Horns. No. No. No.

No. So stupid. I know. It's so dumb. The fucking dumbest thing. So dumb. So our version of the morning radio show is chips in a bowl. Yeah.

Chips in a bowl. And cats eating kibble. I don't like the cats. Okay. Okay. Are you ready, Jeans? I'm ready. It's official.

It's official. No teeth, no entry. My tour, official tour for 2017 is launched tickets go on sale this Friday. Today is October 21st. Here is a current rundown real quick. New Orleans, Atlanta, Clearwater, Tallahassee, Milwaukee, Madison, Minneapolis, Las Vegas, Huntington, New York, Montclair, New Jersey, Atlantic City, Bethlehem, PA, Boston, Green Bay, Royal Oak, Chicago, Washington, DC, Pittsburgh, Pittsburgh, Burlington, Vermont, San Jose,

Portland, Fallis, Houston. They are all going on sale Friday. Some of these cities, I will not add shows. Some of the venues are big and I'm just trying to get them. But if they fill up, they're gone. So I'm really excited. I've never done a theater tour. This is going to be a major.

Most of these are theaters. There's only a couple of clubs. And by the way, I also wanted to do this during the episode and explain this part. I know I'm going to get hit up for cities that aren't there and they're, you're not being left out. It's just not part of the initial frame of marketing for the tour. For instance, Denver, you know, I love Denver. It's just not going to happen in those first few months, but Denver is definitely going

to happen in 2017. Things like that. So I just wanted to point that out. And also, you'll still get the tweets though. I know why aren't you coming to Hawaii? I'm definitely going to Hawaii. Why not do come to there? Are they all deaf?

Are these the hearing impaired? And there's also going to be some international stuff. So there's going to be Canadian. I'm working on a UK thing. I'm working on mom's Australia. So these are all things I'm trying to do. Anyways, we'll move on, but I wanted to tell everybody that's a big deal for me, big announcement. And that's why you got so many chips in your bowl.

Jeans? I thought you were going to announce that you're lactose intolerant. Oh my God. I'm shrimp intolerant. I think, can I tell you what it might be? Because didn't you eat some of my cheese before the shrimps? So maybe the cheese was pushed out by the shrimp. I got tested though.

I actually don't have a food allergy. I got negative on everything. They said maybe a food set sensitivity, which is different. And I also have to push my colonoscopy. We didn't turn that light on. That light. Oh, that's a problem. I'll turn it on.

Is it plugged in? Yeah. Oh, I don't know. Is it? It's kind of important, don't you think? Probably. Here, just do it. Okay.

Don't pause it. Keep talking. Keep talking. Oh, you'll do that and I'll do that. Here's my theory with you because we both just had shrimp that I made at home. So I feel fine and then you shit your brains out and I heard it through the bathroom door or what's wrong with you? But then we had that Starbucks protein plate, but you don't think that's better.

That's better. You don't think you're lactose at all? I'm saying they tested it for that. Yeah. And you're not. Yeah. Now, I know I'm not fine. I don't like milk.

I hate milk. God. You know, if I drink milk, I'll feel sick, but I don't actually have real. But that 23 and me shit that we did or whatever the fuck that genetic thing was says that we're both lactose intolerant. I don't know, man. Here's why I'm not going on the 27th because I have to fly to New York now. Look at that.

Excuse after. I'm doing Ron Bennington unmasked. If you're in New York, it's free to go to the 27th, I think. Where is that? Do we know? I don't know yet. They made an announcement so I know I can talk about it. Anyway, the lactose thing, that's genetic.

Yeah. Why are you shitting after shrimp? I don't know, man. That's a shrimp sensitivity. That's so weird. I don't know. Something's wrong. Why is that dog barking so crazy?

Because she's retarded. She's so fucking retarded. So stupid. She got diarrhea again. So our baby got sick for the first time ever. I mean, 10 months old, our baby got his first fever. It was a fucking nightmare because of course you were out of town. So I had to deal with this all alone as usual.

And then the fucking dog gets diarrhea on top of the kid being sick. Yeah. Oh my God, I wanted to blow my brains out this weekend. When a dog doesn't stop barking though, it really makes me want to blow my brains out. You know? Yeah. When they continue to bark. Yeah.

And then you go and see what they're looking at and there's nothing. It really makes me crazy. Well, she barks at absolutely nothing. I know. But what could, like right now she's so fired up. What could that be? The squirrel outside, it could be someone, oh God, this is making me mad. Okay, then go get her.

The only other option is to have her in the room with you. Oh my God. Then go get her. Okay, keep talking. Oh, for fuck's sake, I have to vamp now? Yeah. Oh, for crying out loud. So okay, fine.

The kid was sick for the first time in 10 months. Oh my God. That's the story. This is our life at your mom's house. I can't wait to get a new studio that's separate from the house and the place we're moving to. It's going to be way different than this. Anyways, the kid's sick. I'm in a fucking lather.

I don't know if you have babies, but the first time your baby gets sick, at least for me, put me in a full panic, a full lather. I mean, I was having like severe anxiety attacks. Oh, hi, stupid. Fee's been shitting in my closet this week. Hi. So yeah, I wake up at two in the morning and Bitsy has diarrhea. 4 a.m., she has diarrhea.

It was a nightmare. We had to shove a modium down her throat because the vet told us we could. And then it stopped. But man, what a fun week. At Casa Segura, baby's sick, dog's sick, everybody's sick except you and me. I know. No, you got sick. You just shit.

Oh yeah. So what was she barking at? She was just at the gate, just barking at it. At the gate. From the kitchen, the kitchen gate facing this way. Where's the Claude stir? I think she's in there. But she was just barking at the gate.

And we're in the baby gate. Yeah. Yeah. The dog just barks at nothing. Yeah. Nonsense. And she was really intensely barking at it. Yeah.

I think it's her way of saying I want to come up there with you. She got her wish. And then Feefo has shit in my closet twice. Two times. In the last 48 hours. Not cool. Not cool. She's sending a very direct message though.

What Feef? What is it? I love you still. I can't let you up right now. I'm working. Okay. Come on. Come sit in my lap.

You know, he knows that something's been up in the house with the baby. Yeah. And he needs attention. Look at this. This is hilarious. Come on. It just jumped up on me. Okay.

Feefo Roni. Okay. Pepper Choni. Okay. Cannelloni. So. Pepper Roni. The new additional translation has come through.

I know you have your own, yeah you all have your own. So we got multiple people wrote in. I have my buddy Slaymon who translated from me on Instagram, but you have this one in the, the sheet here, I'll just read it from here. It says, um, Hello! Hi! How are you? I went and got that picture.

It's with that woman. I just wanted to tell you this whore that sells her body and is using heroin, this crazy miserable bitch that wants to shred me to pieces. She wants to destroy me. This lady just wants to destroy me. I just wanted to save her money. I said I have a friend who's single here and he can send it in just a week. I went and got the pictures and the passport and the ID cards are ready.

Whenever you can, I'll come and give you the money too. Oh my god. Take this fucking whore out of my life please Salome, please. This low life whore, miserable. Tell her you're paying for your actions. You poor idiot. Salome, tell her you're paying for your actions. Anybody that does you any good, you want to shred them to pieces.

You do this and you keep having to pay for it. Mother fucker. Salome, dear, I'm so sorry to bother you about these things. I couldn't sleep last night and my brain yesterday anyway. I know you have your own things. We all have our own. They think we're just living in a castle and all happy. Anyways, talk to you soon.

Talk to you soon. Bye. Ali Shabbani. Thank you. Thank you. I wrote this. I go, man, this is unbelievable to Salome. He said, of course, she doesn't really complete her thoughts.

They're so choppy. What is most shocking is she uses a really vulgar language, especially for an older person. And while the curse words translate literally to whore or bitch, the words in Farsi are really vulgar. Like she says Koskes, which you guys caught onto, it was a bad word. It literally translates to pussy stretcher, aka whore. I'm just curious who is ripping her off. Last time was about real estate.

This time it's passport and pictures. She is nuts. Interesting. Yeah. Anyways, thank you guys for the translations. I bet you Salome is pretty stoked that she's not getting all of these voicemails. I hope I want Salome to get a bank of voicemails like everybody just got our downloaded episode. You know, I want Salome's phone to get them at once and she gets 40 fucking voicemails

and then she really gets to know her friend. I don't think it's her friend. I think Salome is a family member of this older woman or a daughter or it's somebody, it's a family. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know, man. I'm upset.

She called my phone the other day, the Persian lady and then didn't leave a voicemail and I was so excited for the voicemail. Yeah. Sometimes she doesn't leave one. Yeah. She doesn't. I know that. That was really rare though.

When you told me that she was calling, I go, oh, this is. I know. I was so excited. Yeah. What are you looking at, babe? Just what you sent. I'm trying to figure out what to play because you sent some great stuff. Oh, I also wanted to point this out.

I was talking to you about this. I did a Bert cast with Bert Bertrand and Wilfred Burr and we were, you know, regular podcast talking. I told this story about this lady. I know a friend of mine knows, works with someone who blew the Wu-Tang Clan and she's not happy about it now, but at the time she voluntarily did it. Anyways, I tell the story and to summarize, my friend works at a music venue and one time when the Wu-Tang Clan came to play there, a lady he was working with was like, I'm

going to get on that bus. I'm going to like suck and fuck some Wu-Tang guys. She goes. She announced it. I would love to blow everybody in the Wu-Tang. Yeah. And he was like, are you sure you want to do that? You know, and she.

Yeah. Why not? Gosh. Sounds like a perfect idea. And she was like, yeah, I want to do it. And he, you know, it's like, it's kind of like that, I don't know, he's being a protective friend, but a woman's choice. Or a nerd.

Yeah. Go to square. But a woman's choice. You know, he was, he was being super sure. It's a women's, uh, live, right? You're supposed to be a slut. So anyways, she says yes. She goes on the bus.

She's in there for a while, comes back and pretty soon thereafter, you know, she's, uh, she's gets emotional. And why? And she goes, you know, that was pretty terrible. Oh, really? And he's like, well, what happened? She's like, you know, I blew all of them and, and, uh, and she, she said, and he goes like, are you know, did they hurt you or are you, and she was like, no, it was just, they

were just so mean, you know. Oh, really? Yeah. You think that the members of the Wu Tang clan would be savages? That's weird. I know. So anyways. And she thought she was blowing.

I think she was going to blow Joe to she or something. Yeah. I mean, I'm grateful. Dead night. Nice guys, hippie guys, ponytails. If she had blown the Tom Tang clan totally different because I'm the type of person that would be just like, thank you, thank you, thank you. Of course.

That's my philosophy. Of course. You're talking about, don't forget on the groundbreaking first Wu Tang album, enter the 36 chambers, there's a sketch, an interstitial between songs that goes, uh, you know, I'm going to cut your eyelids off and feed you nothing but sleeping pills. Uh, I'll sew your asshole clothes and keep feeding you and feeding you and feeding you. It's a nice song. Yes.

And that's between something. So guys that improvise that, I imagine when they're getting their dick suck can also improvise some things, a couple lines here and there. Right. I got your back, but you best to watch your front because it's the niggas who front that be pulling stunts. Wow. That's very, very accurate and very true.

And that's also, that's a jizzes album. I liked that. That's great advice. Big words. Now, those guys, like you pointed out, also talk about blasting the whole head fucking blown out on this. Yeah. Right.

So there's also nine of them. I mean, rest in peace, uh, 14, nine's the original number. So, you know, sweet baby Jesus, I made a couple of jokes telling that story to, to Bert and Burr. I told, you know, I was like, she was probably like, Oh man, even you God, like I got a blow cap Adana too. Like, you know, it's like almost, I mean, you know, cap's not even original, but you know, I mean, like the, not as famous members.

Sure. Anyways, that's the story. She got really emotional because they were real mean and then later on she was kind of, I think the next day, like, I don't know, inconsolable to the point where my friend asked, like, do I need a call? Like, do I need to, I think I told them to like that in the story, I need to call the authorities implying, was there a crime committed? And she was the one that said, Oh, I volunteered for this, but it was awful.

Sure. I could have, I could have told her that before. Well, anyways, I think this is hilarious. Okay. And I laughed a lot telling the story because it makes me laugh to think of how mean they could have been. Like, I imagine ghost face killer can say some really fucked up shit. Yeah.

I bet Rayquan was like probably eating as he was getting his dick sucked. And then like food fell like he was probably eating like his ramen noodles or yeah, yeah, or like a McFlurry and then it fell on her head and he was like, that ain't for you. Like you eat dick juice, no, no ice cream. And then he, and then he takes the ice cream off of her forehead and eats it still. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly.

So shit like that, you know, that's ghost right there. You know, sure. You know what I mean? He probably sucked my dick. You know what I mean? Yeah. You know. Well, like I said, this isn't like, you know, this isn't a Yanni.

You're not blowing a folk band. No, man. You're blowing with their, they're known to be savages. Sure. I mean, like you made that offer to like modest mouse or something. I was going to be like, oh, thanks for sucking our dicks. You know, they, what they, I think they would be. Yeah.

The man with the 12 year old body. This who he be. Yeah. His name is Corelli right there. When y'all see him. And picture that guy again is dick sucked, right? Right. Right.

So anyways, this shit. Name me. Laugh. I tell a story. This made it to the front page of Reddit. My buddy Giggity Greg pointed out to me and then I was reading it and it has the full variety, but some people were like, sorry, I don't think sexual assault is funny. Oh, stop.

It's not a salt of its consensual. Of course it was consensual to the point. And also it just shows you people are always looking to, you know, get their agenda out there that even in the story, like I'm telling the story with notes now, but when I told the story originally, I told it with the details of this person volunteering and making it clear that it was consensual, but there's still people saying like, you know, the only reason they're saying that stuff is because of this Trump thing and it's in the air. And it's, it's like a topic, a hot topic or whatever, please.

It's so dumb. It is stupid. If you're stupid enough to want to blow the Wu-Tang clan in the first place, I mean, of course it's going to feel bad, sweetie. Yeah. You think, you think it absolutely is going to feel bad? Yeah. Duck tape.

Because there's a duct tape there. There's no duct tape in the Wu-Tang. Is that the lost member? Duck tape. That's the guy. He hasn't gotten out yet. Hey, duck tape. That's him.

He drives cabs now. Anyways, just to make it clear, there was not even, there was such a clear point made that this wasn't sexual assault. Oh, obviously. I know, but I just feel like, you know, and look, I've known you for a million years. You're the least sexual pro sexual assault person on the planet. I guarantee it wasn't intended that way. Of course.

It's so dumb. You know, people get their panties in a bunch over Trump and now they're transferring all that energy to you. Yeah. It's stupid. Anyways, would you, which band would you blow? Hmm. Good question.

That's a new game. I mean, first of all, I would look for a band that has less than nine members. I mean, she went for the highest amount of dicks possible. Now that's a really interesting point, Tom, because when you think about it, would you want nine different guys to nut in your mouth? Period. No. Thank you.

One sitting. I think this was somebody who was like, I think also that this lady was thinking about, it was too much. That's a really good point too. You think she underestimated the number of members in the band and that's why it was such a bummer? I think she may have been watching honestly some videos and been like, Oh, this will be like, like, look at, look at all the fun people are having.

You know, that's the, like porno, like, like she's watching like, Oh, everyone's like the fiction. Yeah. Like this is what a thrill this is for everybody. And then you get in there and you're playing with the big boys, you're playing the major league ball. And then all of a sudden it's like some a rapper sitting on your face and like my ass, like my ass.

Yeah. And in all sincerity, as a woman, I don't, I don't think I could think of a band. I would least want to blow all the numbers up when you, first of all, there's nine guys minimum, minimum, nine. Oh, yeah. You nasty fuck. Oh, yeah, that's a lot. Right?

So many guys and it's not like the love. It's not the peace and love music party. It's, it's, it's the Wu Tang. It's pretty. Yeah. It's, it's trying to think if there's ever, I'm modest mouse, they'd be a good choice. Maybe like a depressive band, cold play, radio head, they'd be great to blow. Maybe like a solo act.

Hello. A folk singer, just a guy in a guitar, Adele, hello, one singer, sting. He's all tantric though. He'd be like, you're going to blow me for 16 years. You know, that's what he's the, he's the master I hold my calm. He does yoga. Did you know that Mick Jagger, we talked about this and we on Joe Rogan show that he does yoga too.

Yeah. He's like a really good shape. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You want to blow. You don't want to blow the older guys. That takes forever.

Yeah. Forget it. You just to get the blood down there. That's what I'm saying. You want to blow the young buck. Yeah. The 20, the beavers of the world. The beavers.

What are the quick? What are those guys? The boy band. One direction. One direction. How many are in that? I'll spit on those little dicks. I think they're four, but like they're going to come quick.

That's the whole point. They're going to come too many guys in one direction. You're going to, you're going to touch their dicks. And as you grab them, you're going to cut down a lot of fucking cuffs. You know, it's going to be fast. I wouldn't want to blow like a heavy metal like metallic. Those guys stink, right? Yeah.

Dicks smell bad. Yeah. All the balls would be smelling. That's the names of some of those bands. They started off as like the stinky dicks. Right. And then later on, when they got signed, they changed it to Metallica, you know? Yeah.

But they're their first band names. Like I never washed my ass. Like that. Yeah. You gotta be so nasty. You gotta be so nasty all the time. Yeah. Yeah.

But I wouldn't, yeah. I wouldn't blow a metal band and I would not do a Wu Tang for sure. Not, not a good choice. Oof. No. Yeah. That's an intense move to start off doing that. You know, for your first, is that called a blow bang?

Yeah. Yeah. And I mean like, but even for a groupie, like a girl who's like, you know what? I want to like more power to you, but to start with the Wu Tang. It's a varsity, varsity move. Yeah. You want to start off slow. Maybe you start with a solo artist, you know, Wiz Khalifa.

Just go to somebody who just, he's alone. You know, maybe him and a DJ. You know who would have been a good one? Hanson. Hanson. Yeah. Those two teenage boys. Are those Jonas brothers?

The Jonas brothers. There's one of them now solo, right? Isn't one of them still performer or something? Fucking who knows? I don't know. But yeah, to be like, let me start off with these nine dudes. Yeah. Hardcore rappers that sing about murder or rap about murder.

Bad choice. It's all about choices. That's why it makes me laugh. No, no, I mean, it's really funny. I think it's really crazy. I agree with you. Oh man. Anyways, also thank you.

Many thanks. Can I tell you that Charlotte, North Carolina, some of the most fun shows I have all year. They don't know this, but they helped me build about a new 10 minutes this weekend. Great. Which was really, really fun. And also, Carlos Valencia was my opening act there. Really great guy. You fucking stick.

And he's a Colombian. I don't know if you know what I'm drinking out of. It's my own personalized main mommy water container. I see that. Yeah. It's embarrassing that you have that. It's good. It's refreshing.

Where's your water? It's not water. That is a sparkling water essence drink called La Cuan. No sodium, no sugars, but I see a little water. Do you know that Kevin Christie hates those? He said it sounds exciting and then you drink it and it does taste like nothing. Well, Kevin Christie is talking like a person who eats and drinks what he wants. And honestly, if you had the choice of a La Cuan or something with sugar, you probably

do want the sugar. But when you cut sugar out of your life, this is the best it can be. Or you're 40 and you can't have soda anymore. No, that's what I'm saying. Yeah. You can't do it. Yeah, I can't do it, man. You shouldn't do it.

I can't do it. So I, uh, blue band, as you guys know, he's still with us. But he's not here. He's doing, he's building nests and all these different trees across the city. And I asked him to pull these for us. Jeans. Yeah. Um, some great PSAs.

I love PSAs. I've always loved PSAs. My favorite. Some of these are really amazing. I haven't seen them all. I've only seen a couple, but I wanted to show you. Probably from the 80s. Those are my favorite ones.

The old ones are the best. The old ones are the best. You know why? They don't pull any punches. That's why. No. Yeah. Stop, drop, and roll.

Also, I'm just making an observation to our, our YouTube viewers. You're still seeing the old board. I ordered an actual, another board. That's why it hasn't been replaced because people messaged me things. I thought you got a new board. I did get a new board and I got another board. I got to send back the second board. That's the story.

Okay. All right. Here we go. Jeans. I had a power line. Go on, get it. We're not supposed to go in there. Oh, go on.

There's a gap down there. A gang of kids broke in yesterday. I saw them. So a Frisbee has gone flying into some power lines. And then the little British boy was like, I can't go in there. And then the little girl was like, do it. Do it, you fag. No.

A stock. That's also like kind of like a, you realize how today's commercials, even PSAs are 15 seconds. They've actually given him screen time of getting stuck to get into. I'm fucking bored already. I know it's so long. This is like in real time. He's like, give me the wood to open up the. Yeah.

It said danger. You missed it. It said danger. I got the point. Yeah. So now he's running to get his frisbee. Can I tell you the genius of this, by the way? What?

Is that the girl never does the dumb thing? Yeah. The girl's like, hey, you go do that dumb. Yeah. Dummy. You would do that. And the guy's like, okay. Yeah.

Cause he's thinking about all the pussy. Getting blown by the booting. Yeah. Don't do it, dummy. Get the frisbee, asshole. Oh, no. Oh, no. The 66,000 volt shock killed a boy today when he breathed.

Oh, no. Yeah. Dead. Oh my God. That's that PSA. You'll die. Did I tell you, I talk about this in my act, how they had to like tell us, because we didn't, we raised ourselves in the 80s.

Sure. I talk about this. How much, these were great. They're effective. They scared the shit out of you as a kid. That's the point. Dumb. Do a substation.

Very shit. The electricity board warns children to keep away from substations. Never try to get toys back yourself. Otherwise you may not live to play with them again. Fantastic. Right. But I'll tell you what, you saw that as a kid. I bet you didn't fuck with them power lines.

No, no. Hell no. Wow. It's great. Yeah. McGrath the crime dog. Mm-hmm. Uh, that.

I don't know. Don't drop and roll. Remember that shit with the manual? Of course. You got to beat that into a kid's head. Absolutely. You got to tell kids from the age of four, hey, drugs are bad. Don't get set on fire.

Don't touch the fucking power lines. They don't know. They don't. Yeah. You got to give them extreme examples. That's why they killed that kid. But that's what sticks in the kid's brain. That you realize that that aired like between like shows you were watching, right?

Of course. Like you're like, uh, family times, whatever family ties is over. Of course. Jimmy. Yeah. Yeah. And you're like, can we watch the other show now? I love it.

Uh-oh. This dog has rabies, right? Oh, God. We're just pushing in on a sweet little dog. How much is that dog in the window? So far, we're just seeing a sweet dog with sweet dog music. Please give us a pound. We'll have to pull the trigger.

Oh my God. Oh my God. So they put a gun at the dog's head and said, please give us a pound or I'll have to pull the trigger. Yeah. Meaning give us money or this dog dies. Yeah. Holy shit.

That's a fundraising tactic. I got to donate immediately. Yeah. A dog, like this dog's beautiful dog and then all of a sudden a handgun comes into frame, hit it at the dog's face. Look at its face. Yeah, of course. He's like, what the fuck is that?

And then they go, please give us a pound or pull the trigger. I love it. Jesus. We'll have to pull the trigger. That's brutal. I'm traumatized. Yeah. Man.

God. All right. The Brits don't fuck around. Are these all Brits? Oh yeah, right? Yeah. They do things a little harsher. Yeah, they don't fuck around.

A little bit. More direct. Yeah. There's been a pain about like loose lip sink ships during the war. Yeah. Those like posters. They tell you like basically, if you blab secrets, you're murdering your countrymen. Sure.

Like that. Well, I know that the, you know, they don't like stuff like have a nice day. I've heard that a bunch. Oh, the English people don't like that? Yeah, they think that that's so condescending. Definitely Eastern blockers don't like that shit. So I know a certain person in your life was not a fan of that at all. My ex stepmom hated have a nice day or how you doing folks?

And Edith too. My mother really hated have a nice day. Yeah. Yeah. It's really funny to me because you know what? To me, I never thought one way or the other about it. Like I never said it. It's not my parting way of, you know, it's not an expression I part with, but it also

never really registered, but it's really funny to me to think about it bothering somebody. You know what? Infuriates me and this is totally irrational, but good morning. Good morning. I absolutely. I don't know why I've made it because I'm grumpy when I wake up. Yeah.

I fucking hate it. Good morning. Like so fuck off. Yeah. It's to stop. You know, we actually had a drop. Do you remember Carla? My name's Carla 24 seven.

Yes. Carla. Have a good fucking day. Yeah. She said you have a good fucking night. Yeah. I don't know where that is. My mother would say that to people.

Yeah. You'll have a good fucking day. Right. How did you know that one? Did you hear her say that? I think you told me that once and I laughed for an entire day straight because because because we're talking about like the wild shit she would say. Yeah.

Because your mom, the first time I met your mom was at a lunch. Yeah. And she said the first thing she talked about was a content at Bloomingdale's. Yeah. She said this fucking content at Bloomingdale's and I was like, what? Yeah. And I just, I mean, I was ear to ear smiles, but I was also like, she just opened up with there's a content at Bloomingdale's.

That's our opener. Yeah. Not, yeah. You know, she reminds me of actually this last voicemail from person lady. Yeah. Very similar to the email, the voicemails I would receive, like the conspiracies, the really so-and-so's out to fuck me. I got to get this person back.

Yeah. Super, super normal stuff. Yeah. You have a good, no, you have a nice fucking day. No, she wrote that to me. Yeah, she did. My mother. That's why.

That's why. That's why. So what happened? She wrote it to you in a letter in the mail. Oh, crazy. Now that she's dead. Have a nice fucking day. Now that she's dead, I can say it.

And I did laugh. Sorry. So hard because it's outrageous. Can I tell the story? Why? Of course. Of course. So my parent, my mother remarried to this nice, my stepdad, this nice Indian guy, right?

They divorced and I decided to write my former stepfather an email just to say, you know, hey, I know things went south with you and my mom. I just want to say thanks for being a cool stepdad for 17 years you were in my life. Yeah. Thanks for being, you could have been a douchebag and you weren't. Right. She checked his emails. Found it.

Found the email, printed it out, and then on the letter, the printed email wrote, have a nice fucking day and mailed it to me in the mail. Like I caught you. I caught you. Right. Caught me being nice to the man that was my stepdad for 17 years. Right. It wasn't not a normal reaction.

Oh, really? No. It wasn't normal of that. Having nice fucking day. That's what she loves. Yeah. It's horrible. It's real crazy.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Super fun to be on the receiving end of that from your own mom. No, you'll have to. It's cold outside. I came up here to get a coffee. Call me.

Every time I come in with you, I got a problem. This is Burger King, man. Whatever the fuck this is, Wendy, Burger King. Whatever you want to call it. Every time I come in, anyone in these stores up here, you bitch, accept them and down. You bitch, you got a problem. I'm sorry, ma'am. You can go in and step out.

It's not, ma'am. My name is Carla. Okay, Ms. Carla. That's ma'am. And you know damn well it's not ma'am. Well, I don't know your name, but you just told me. I know you don't. Take a good look.

You know my name. It's Carla. Fuck what you heard. Fuck what you heard. You know my motherfucking name. Don't play me. Because you can't miss. Yeah.

Whatever the fuck yours is. They might just call it 24-7, baby. And I'm not ashamed of it. I'm not ashamed of it. 24-7. I'm a sane girl. All right, ma'am. You have a good night, okay?

You have a good motherfucking night. See? You got some traveling hoarser for this bitch. Yeah. I said I said. Have a good night. No, you have a good fucking night. My name's Carla all day.

And I ain't ashamed of it. Why would you be ashamed? Woo. Yeah, that's some good stuff, man. Shit, where were we? That was... I kissed my pussy, too. That was probably one of my favorite YMH tops.

Yeah. Yeah, I know. Guess my pussy. Remember this one? Watch your profanity. Yeah, yeah. Watch your profanity. Watch your profanity.

That's old school. Guess my pussy. Can I have a sip of your LaCroix? Oh, why would you want that? Well, I like to switch up my water intakes. I vary it. There's suck my pussy. Here you go.

Thanks, ma'am. You can suck on that. No. I'm nuts in the ass, dick in the pussy. I'm using nasty girl ain't fine. I'll kiss my pussy. Kiss it. There you go.

That's a good one. Yeah. Classics. Good stuff, man. Yeah, my mom was also very racist, too. Your mom? Yeah. Have you talked about this on the show yet?

I don't think you've talked about it on the show, but... Yeah, I heard that at that first... She was racist with you? First lunch. Like, she didn't even do the... Like, let me gauge how you feel about it. She just... She just went for it.

Dude, that lunch was really... It was very high-opening. Interesting. Interesting is a good way to put it. Isn't that crazy that you still married me despite... So, my dad, the first time you meet him, drops some M-bomb back in the day. He didn't pull any punches.

And then you meet my mom. Your mom was a different level, though. Your dad was just more like shooting the shit. And I could tell that, you know, he was like... He was old world, just like... Just an old-school guy. And I was like, okay, I knew what I was getting with him. Yeah.

Your mom was much more unpredictable. Like, you would know because she is unpredictable. You know, like that's... Crazy person. Yeah, so... But I did not know what was... I didn't know really what was happening there. But in a weird way, I kind of understood...

I thought I understood your mother as being this eccentric, foreign person that has like a kind of big, bold personality. My mom is kind of like that, especially sometimes I've seen people meet my mother and not know what just happened. Like, I've seen them be like, what? And I have to kind of go like, oh, this is what she meant by that.

And this is what she meant by that. And no, no, no, that's how she is. Especially to somebody really American, you know, like with two American parents and they grew up in the suburbs and they don't meet foreigners. So I kind of thought that your mom was like, you know... Like a fun foreigner.

Yeah. Like, Charo, your mother is like a fun foreign mom. Kind of. Where she may say a word incorrectly or has an emotional reaction. She's also much more expressive and animated. It's also a thing that I related to with your mother. My mother's very animated.

So your mother, I saw her as... Well, my mother does not curse. So that part was really amusing to me that you're like, this fucking... She was like, this cunt had blooming days. And I was like, whoa. And then she was talking. She goes, I thought that fucking bitch, fuck you.

And I was like, that is intense. Really? It's real, real. She was convinced. I'm so glad she's dead now. I can talk about this stuff. But she was always convinced that someone's ought to get her.

The woman at Bloomingdale's. And one time I never forget, we went to a sushi bar and the waitress, excuse me, sat us near the restroom. And my mother took that personally. And she called her. She goes, you fucking gook bitch.

Don't fucking seat me next to the toilet. You fucking gook bitch. And I was like, all right, we got to go. You can't even. And I made her leave. I was so mortified. We can't be served. It's a lot of that.

And I remember someone cut her off in traffic. I remember one time when I was a little girl, someone cut her off in traffic. And the woman gave a look to my mom. Some look, my mom was like, oh, you're going to fucking cry. Like she was so crazy. She would fight with people for parking spaces.

Like we were at a parking lot in San Diego. Oh, you're gonna fucking cry. Like she was so crazy. And my mother was fighting for a spot once in San Diego. Yelling at people. Is this with Dean or no? This is before Dean. This is when I was just a little girl.

And she would inch. I remember they had like a fight where the two of them were inching, inching into the one parking spot. And my mother won that one. And then later my stepdad came in. Stop. I gotta tell you this. I don't know if I ever tell you this.

That's the first time I really felt like I wrapped my head around what you grew up with. It was when you told me the parking lot story. Because a lot of times people speak, you know, hyperbole with like exaggerations and, oh, you know, my stepdad, he was a crazy guy. Yeah, people throw that word around too loosely around me. And they go, oh, you know, he's like,

he talked a lot of shit. And you're like, yeah, okay. Like I'm, he had a big personality is what you're saying. But you told me a story. You go, yeah, you know, my, my mom, they were nuts. And I'm like, yeah. And you go like, you know, in parking lots,

like he would talk, you know, talk shit to people. And they go, yeah, okay. And you go one time, this guy, like they fought over a parking spot. And I guess the other guy got it. And so then my stepdad stabbed his tires. Okay. Yes.

Not at that, not at that moment. So what we did was later he goes, Oh, I was Indian. Let's go for some ice cream, pistachio ice cream. And cause we used to go to the ride aid. They're not called ride aids, whatever thrifty. And that was his flavor. So I didn't know I was a teenager.

I get in the car, we go to the thrifties for the ice cream. He goes, hold on, I got to do something, gets out of the car, stab, stab, stab this guy's tires back in the car. And we go, we got pistachio ice cream. And so like that's really when I go like, Oh, Hey, that was other level. Other levels. That's such a, I mean, I can see a,

that's that being someone's story from when they were in college. And I was fucking nuts. Right. But this was a 40 something, maybe 50 something old man. There's a lot that was going on. And he pulled over the car and stabbed someone's tires. And then we went off and got ice cream. That's not, it's so, it's so outrageous.

It is. That actually was one of the first stories where I was like, Oh, she's, she really did grow up with some not normal shit at all. Lunacy. Yeah. Lunacy. And I also didn't want you to know the extent of it because I wanted to marry normal.

I'll tell you, I thought about that story for a minute. I was like, what in the fuck. He used to fight with people in movie theaters. And somebody would be talking in the theater. Yeah. And he'd turn around and tell him, shut up. And one time one guy was like, you shut up. And then he stood out.

You fucking shut up. You want to take it outside? Like it was one of those things. And then one time in the grocery store, some kid was crying and my mother told the kid to shut up. And then stepdad came in and it was like, they were, they were a good pair. Believe it or not. The thing is, I think they found each other.

They did. It was like fire and kerosene and the two of them together. That's the other one I remember. That's great. 10 years ago, you told me the story. You're like, this kid was crying. My mom told the kid to shut up. And then the mother, right?

Wasn't the mother. Yeah. And the mom got upset. They weren't girls. Of course. And the mom was like, don't talk to my kid like that, obviously. And then I, and then escalated into take to the parking lot. I would lose my mind if somebody said that to me.

Of course. Of course. Yeah. It's a lot, man. I talk about it on the sd bro because you know what? I found though, a lot of people have wacky parents more than have not. Oh my God. I don't know.

I don't think I'm in that much of a minority. Who knows? It's embarrassing. I got to be honest. No, there's other people that definitely relate to that. But what I'm saying is all of them and you should know that that's not okay. Of course. And that's not, I mean, that becomes your example.

If you're seeing, if your parent is like, I'm going to stab someone's tires out. It's not a good thing to do. It's so bad. And I, and I knew it was wrong then. You know, even when I grew up in it and you grew up in it and you think that's the norm. But I remember being like 10 years old and thinking surely I was adopted. I swear to God, I had the thought that one day someone's going to knock on the door and tell me that I was actually of another family and they're going to take me.

I really knew at an early age that I did not belong. Yeah. And it's taken years of therapy to reprogram like to unlearn the bad learning. Sure. All that stuff, a lot of it, you know, it's, see the thing is you're lucky that you don't see that as the way to be. Cause there's people that get raised like that. And then they go, I'm going to go stab some tires.

Absolutely. Cause it's, cause it's what you know. Learn behavior. That's the thing. If that's all you, but I knew into, I was like, this is not, this doesn't feel good for me. Cause I knew that the people like I go to school and I go to my friends' houses and I knew that their parents weren't the same way.

And I knew that something was amiss. You're like, oh, this is really kind of holding it together here. Yeah. And it's not just the immigrant thing cause that's one layer of difference in your home. But it was like, oh, somebody's mentally ill and somebody's a bit of a sociopath. And that level of short fuse, that's a real short fuse. Something else. Yeah.

Yeah. It's pretty wild. Someday there will be a book about this movie or something. Cause my God, and that's just the tip of the iceberg. Yeah. It's a crazy time. Anyway. Yeah.

That's one I never got to know with your stuff. I never met your stepfather. That's too bad. I think he's still around. Yeah. There's still time. I'm good. You want me to tell him where we live?

Let's see if, let's see if he would, maybe this is something he would relate to here. Oh no. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. How are you?

What's up? Hello. Hi. Come on. Look at my fish fingers. You want some? No, no, no. I'm going to take some school tomorrow.

Yeah, if you don't mind. No blood. That river still is bigger than that. But it's not. But it's huge. Big words. I bet you any money Anton float the show. Either he's float the show.

Either. It doesn't matter what the occasion. You can understand half of it. Yeah. It's a good thing you might never come because there's a big happy man about last night. So basically everybody is sitting around the breakfast table. It looks like. Right.

Having a conversation that we can decipher 4% of that gibberish. Yeah. And then the mother walks away. Oh boy. To another part of the kitchen. And grabs a hand. Good thing you might never come because there's a big happy man about last night. See that's why I like having younger brothers and sisters.

I stay indoors while the beef stays outside. Oh my God. Oh my God. And then the screen goes to black and it says. If you keep quiet about gun crime it's like pulling the trigger yourself. Well I should say that right before that she shot this youngest child in the head at the kitchen table. So what part of this was funny for you?

What do you mean? I haven't seen this. Oh okay. Haven't seen this. I was like I thought you selected this for the show. No. Blue band put this in there. No.

Oh my God. No. She shot a young child in the head at breakfast. Okay. And then it says if you keep quiet about gun crime it's like pulling the trigger yourself. Dude that and they're not really not fucking around in the UK with these. That's not even that old. No.

That's 2006. You know what the UK is great at. I remember in the 90s if you bought a pack of cigarettes. Yeah. It was way but it wasn't like these bullshit surgeon general warnings. Yeah. There are pictures of like black lungs. Most of the world does that.

We're the only place it doesn't do that. You know why? Because that's because the tobacco lobby is stronger. That too. Yes. And we don't do well with reality in the United States. That's also true. Yeah.

We live in a childish reality. This is the play it's safe. Oh that's another power line. I remember this one. You do? I remember. You're stupid. Trying to prove how tough it was.

And a gut and kids. There's a kite stuck in the power line. He's going to get electrocuted. Lucky they let go of it. They'd have been electrocuted. We should have told the police. Despite you never knew about my voltage. Who claims fucking power lines like that?

You're crazy. He ignored the danger signs. Leave it there. He was stupid. Oh my God. Don't do it. He didn't know electricity would go through the kite. It just jumped from there.

Climbing pylons can kill. Don't take a chance with electricity. Dude so far by the way the gun one is by far the worst. Yeah it's pretty shitty. That's really terrible. Who's climbing? I mean apparently it's a problem. I guess so.

A PSA. I'll make a deal with you. If your kite gets stuck in a power line. I have to eat dog food? No I'll get you a new kite. You don't have to climb up the power line. Thanks. I think everybody should tell their kid that.

I'll buy you two new kites. Don't worry about it. Five. Yeah. Let's tell Ellis that. Yeah. If anything's ever in a power line you get more of them. Never go again.

Can I just wrap our son in bubble wrap? Yeah. Make sure he never gets sick again and never hurts himself ever. Put him in the basement that we don't have. Yeah. Chain him up. I don't know about that. Chain him.

Like create an alternate world that's totally safe that he can just play in. No I know. That's what you want to do when you have a little jeans. I know. Here's one for you. Thanks. Nice lady. Who's for everybody.

Not just over you. Oh nice. So they're just showing that everyone can get a beady. Oh there is. A pregnant lady as beady? Sure. The butcher clearly has beady. That guy looks sick.

Yeah. That chick totally has the cloud. Ballerina. Not that lady. She looks sweet. That lady. She's got flowers. She's got a smelly post.

You think so? Yeah. They have beady. This guy's gay. Him and his kid have beady. That old man has beady. Oh yeah. Little baby.

The baby has beady. No. Of course. The horse has beady. Of course. If you're curious or confused, get information or a pamphlet. Wait how does a baby have beady? That's no.

See you doctor. From getting its dick sucked. Little baby dick sucked? Yeah man. Babies don't get beady. Of course. Stupid. This commercial is a little, the horse doesn't have beady either.

That lady writing it does. Duh. Duh. Duh. Look at me. Busy as a bee. Word I get all this energy. Oh man.

I remember this. This is good. Don't sleep. And I don't need, but I've got the cleanest house on the street. Oh man. Get these hairs. This is catchy though. I like it.

Get these bugs all out of my place. One more hit. No time to waste. Oh man. Oh man. But see the thing is they made it sound fun. Right. It was proactive.

It was like you can get a clean house. Yeah. Your toilets will be scrubbed. You'll be nice and skinny. Actually what I think most people probably go is like, oh, I seem to dial it back. Right. There's just a too much meth. She just doesn't know how to handle it.

It starts off. She's just cleaning you. I want to clean. Yeah. I don't want to. But I mean, I'll do it. Like I wouldn't clean and get hot. I do other things.

Yeah. Fun things. Fun things. Yeah. See this cute little vial here. It's crack. Rock cocaine. The most addictive form.

You think it's the glamour drug of the 80s? Well, that's the point of this front of little reminder. It can kill you. Wow. If you've got to die for something, this sure as hell ain't it. That's not effective. That was terrible. That was stupid.

Like that wasn't even cautionary. No. Who wants to listen to him about drugs? On Eastwood? Have Flavor Flav do that shit and you'll be like, oh. Oh, I love him. Peewee. This is crack.

Rock cocaine. Okay. It isn't glamorous or cool or kid stuff. It's the most addictive kind of cocaine and it can kill you. What's really bad is nobody knows how much it takes. So every time you use it, you risk dying. Oh boy. It isn't worth it.

All right. Remember we saw how we watched his new movie and we were trying to guess his age? Yeah. And he's like 70. Yeah. I thought he was 48. Yeah. He's not 70.

He's way older than we thought. Peewee? He's 50. No. No. No, no, no. I got a double chance. He must have been 30 at the height of his fame and that was what, 20 years ago?

So he's 50. He's 64. Get out of here, Peewee. Yeah. Damn. Yep. Paul. Ruben.

Rodriguez. Gerald. AKA Paul Rubens. Yeah. 64. Man. Mm-hmm. But they computer generated his face, right?

I didn't know that part. Well, they did some computer stuff on it for the latest film. Whoa. 64. I don't care with that. He still looks incredibly. He looks amazed. Yeah.

What is... Can I read this email from a listener about the dog shit food? Mm-hmm. Yeah. So last week, I ate a little bit of dog food just to see if my poo would smell as bad as dog shit. Right. Because someone wrote in and asked us if we ate dog food, would our shit smell like

it? Yeah. Anyway, this guy writes in, hey, Hitler's, I thought I'd chime in here and say that most of the unique smell of dog shit does not come from dog food, but in fact comes from the dog's anal scent glands. Wow. There are two of these on either side of a dog's, how do you say asshole? Yeah.

They help the dog markets territory. No shit. The problem is that with modern dog food made of cow brains and maggots. Who the fuck is that? Oh, no. Oh, shit. I should grab this. Okay.

Sorry. Right in the middle of an email. I know. Sorry. Sorry. I was in the middle. I know, but I thought I had to get that. Okay.

Can I read this now? Yeah. That modern dog food made of cow brains and maggots, there often isn't enough fiber in a dog's diet to push all that smelly goop out of their scent glands and they become impacted. This is what causes dogs to drag their asses across the carpet. If that doesn't work, you might have to stick a finger in there and squeeze all that out. We don't do that. We take our dog to the vet and they do anal gland expression because if you do it by the

groomers, they don't really get in there the way the vet does. Just a little tip. If you guys have dogs, take them to the vet. Yeah. Bitsy needs to have that done once a month. Is it once a month for her? Because she's like a purebred dumb dumb. Yeah.

And, you know, they're genetically defective. Yeah. So that's interesting. I didn't know that their anal glands make it smell bad. Interesting. I didn't know that either. Interesting. I also didn't know, does that look familiar to you or no?

That's a photo of two bottles of water post show in Portland. You got a full bottle here and basically a half bottle of water there. Excuse me. That's after you perform the email says, Tom, Christina put on a great show in PDX last week. I was front and center. Yes. She did have two bottles of water with her attached as a photo of what they look like

at the end of the show. One completely full, one perhaps half empty. Oh, and on the podcast this week, she conveniently didn't mention that she dropped the open one during the set where she probably lost at least four to five ounces. So based on the visual evidence, looks like she yorkied about three ounces through a 90 lit set. She was hoarse at the end. You just can't help some people.

It's no wonder why you're the true water champ. Thank you for your thoughts. Blake. Thank you, Blake. Blake. How do I know those two waters are in fact my waters? Those are your waters. He didn't say he had them tested for my saliva to make a genetic match.

Please. That's clearly decoy water. A lot of pussies in this argument right now. It's just not happening. That's Blake bullshit. I've been getting reports about you, your lack of hydration in South Carolina. Yeah. I wasn't in South Carolina.

North Carolina? Yeah. It's the same. I was not lacking. I was so hydrated. I heard lots of reports that you didn't take any sips during your show. You didn't bring any water up on stage, things of that nature. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, I did drink a lot there. People were talking about it. Nobody's talking about your hydration. It was on the news. Where's your water? Hello, mommies. Can't help but notice that over the past few months, Tom has continuously postponed his

career. Yeah. We just addressed this, but we did a few episodes back. I was ecstatic to discover the time we scheduled the date. The same as my birthday on the 27th. I thought, wow, Tom's colon health is one of my best birthday birthday presents a guy could receive. However, I am now distraught to find out he is going to postpone again.

Beg of you, Tom, please give me yourself and your gift, your family, the gift of a perfect colon health on the 21st birthday on my 21st birthday of October 27th. I'll drink one for you. It doesn't say who that's from, but thank you. And I will, I will not do it on the 27th because I will not be here, but I will reschedule again. Sure. Why are you shoring me?

I made you read that because I want to shame you into making that appointment. You just had a violent diarrhea. Yeah, that's true. And I care about you, dumb, dumb. No, you don't. Can I read this email? Yeah. I love this.

Hi, Zim jeans and Zer jeans. I wanted to chime in on the shower debate that isn't really a debate. Tom is correct that for showers, that our shower slash tub combos with shower curtains as opposed to shower doors, you enter from the rear. Also glad that Christina quickly realized how stupid it was that she did the opposite for so many years. However, I wanted to quickly point out that in most bathrooms with this type of shower tub deal, the toilet is parallel to the tub on the same bathroom wall as a shower head,

meaning that in order to enter the shower via the wrong slash psychotic way, you would actually have to shimmy between the tub and the toilet in order to enter that way. Just think to all your many experiences in hotel bathrooms to know what I'm talking about, but the average bathroom is literally set up to naturally allow you to enter the shower from the rear. Stop fighting the natural architecture of the bathroom floor plan. This madness must end. Love the pod.

Huge fan. Thanks, Rick. I'm wondering incorrectly. Because our old bathroom, the toilet was directly parallel to the shower. So I would get off the toilet and then squeeze my way in between the toilet and the shower because it was so small in a role place. Of course. Then I would force the issue to do it.

Such a dummy. You're not a dummy, but I think you understand that there's a better way. Yeah, I really made an effort to do it that way. So funny. That seemed more intuitive to me. Yeah. And now you know. Now I know.

Don't read this. This is too long. This dental update. Sorry. Okay. Retrospect is too long. Well, I thought we could play the other thing. Please.

Let me see. Where is it? You posted it right on the cheat sheet. First link. Oh, yeah. We're still, by the way, you lowered the seat. No, I didn't. Yeah.

It's definitely lower. I didn't lower it. Not manually. It must be lowering over time. Really? Yeah. I didn't do it myself. Like I didn't do it intentionally sometimes.

Okay. There you go. Oh my God. Better, huh? Yeah. We need new chairs. I know. So our teeth are still not.

It's embarrassing that we do this. There's just too much going on. After we move, we need to find new dentists. Yeah. It's been months. But it's time to show people. This is one of your greatest discoveries. Was this sent in?

Sent in. Sent in. Incredible. Incredible discovery. I'm really stoked about this one. Yeah. Let's... It might be the favorite thing I've seen in a long time.

Yeah. No. Yeah. No. No. No. No. No.

It kind of looks like you got it on... It's a $10 smile. Yeah. The $10 smile, like over the phone, what's it called? Made to order. Done look good. Home shopping TV. Yeah.

That looks better actually. That's like... Yeah. And the gums are extra red, if you'll notice. They're red and bleedy looking. Obviously, they're not going to match your bottoms too well. No. Kind of look like Rudy Giuliani TV.

You've seen his? Yeah. These are the Rudy's. Yeah. These are the Giuliani's. That guy's a multi-millionaire. I know. He has no excuse.

He's wearing... But he's got his $1 million smile in. Maybe that's what he's doing, you know? Maybe that's what he's doing. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. They are like... See, how does that work?

Everyone's million-dollar smile looks identical. Yeah. It's not custom made because everybody's... And that's a gap. That's not a knocked out too. They add the same problem. So then how does that... It makes no sense.

Oh, man. We'll keep playing it. Well, I know, but I just wanted to show... Yeah. What are you seeing? Oh, Rudy. That's... That's not...

Look at those. That's a million-dollar smile right there. Look at the top. He's got the million-dollar smile on top. And then the $8 smile on the bottom. Yeah, the Julian... What's his name? Fellows.

Don Naby smiles. That is no good. No. No. Jesus Christ. All right. A million-dollar smile is as easy as one, two. Oh, no.

Just put it in and show off your million-dollar smile. See, everybody who puts in those flippers, they don't smile normal. They go... No. They barely open. They're like... Barely show them. They look real clunky, too.

They look... A million-dollar smile is a must-for-job interview. Wear it on dates when you... And that guy went... All right. All these are gonna fall out. To look great. And when the camera comes out...

Wear them on your dates to look great. But on dates when you need to look great. And when the camera comes out... Look how crazy mom's look is, too. Crazy mom's face. Looks like a friend of mine's mother, actually. She's really crazy. You'll be proud to save cheese with a bright white smile.

He's gonna afford dental coverage. This gives me a million-dollar smile. Oh, I love... Everyone's like, I can't afford dental coverage. I have the million-dollar smile in my mouth. You can't talk with the million-dollar smile. Also, I got the million-dollar smile. My new smile.

See? My new smile. Now I know I look great when I go out on a date. Nobody can talk. When I'm going out, when I'm hanging out, it's just fun to smile again. Big smile, captain. Oh, million-dollar smile. Big smile, confidence.

Everybody can talk. Every fit is a custom fit. Guaranteed. Look at her pretty size teeth. Every fit is a custom fit. Guaranteed. Or your money back. Instantly, you can have the look and confidence of your specific teeth.

Just snap them out in the morning and be proud to smile all day long. Some of my patients can't afford cosmetic surgery. That looks terrible. And this is a great alternative. No, listen. Listen. I don't want to hear about how you can't afford cosmetic dentistry. I want to hear about you have debt because you had cosmetic dentistry.

That's the right answer. I have debt, but I fixed my teeth. Yes. Just like I fixed my hair. Yes. And I fixed my eyes. And I fixed my face. Anything on your body is a priority.

Things that people see with their eyes when they look at you. I would venture to say anything on your body that needs addressing. That's a priority. Yeah. But mouth is a big one. Get your life. You can't. Come on.

Look at her. Look at her. Look at this dentist. Does he look like a dentist? No. He looks like he's dying. He looks like he backs up the forklift that drops off the million-dollar smile pallets. You know?

Definitely. Because I got a bunch of million-dollar smiles on the back of this truck. Fred Van Curren. His teeth actually look fine. He doesn't need a million. He's already got a million-dollar smile. Yeah. He has minor.

What they did is they showed you the three levels. His is real minor. She's got a gap. And then she's like, I don't even have any fucking teeth. See, for her, that's an okay investment. But for him, all you need is some bonding. What did this lady do here on top to get those? She didn't go to the dentist for like 20 years.

I think it's worse than that. Now you got the million-dollar smile. Do we still don't know how much the million-dollar smile is? Oh, let's find out. $800,000. What do you guys, wait, wait. I don't know how much it is. Let's guess.

Well, I think they were showing, they were trying to show an extreme at the beginning and that had multi-tiered prices of cosmetic work done. So it's got to be just infinitely less. I'm going with $40. Yeah. I'm going to go with three easy payments of $19.99. So that's 60 bucks basically. Okay.

And they're trying to tell you, do that for your mouth. Do that in replacements of teeth. Spend $40 or $60. No, man. You make it happen. You make it happen. You go to Mexico. Yeah.

You go to a dental college. Go to the Philippines. They have teeth. Go get it done there. Get a boat and sail over there. Yeah. Take out credit from the dentist office. Borrow against your house.

Borrow against your house. You sell whatever it is you got to do. And don't forget the cash thing. A buddy of mine did this with a pregnant wife. He let his health insurance lapse. Horrible. Finds out his wife's pregnant with twins. Oh my God.

Has no care. He's in a full panic. He goes to these different doctors with cash and goes, I don't have insurance, but if I pay you cash. Right. Will you do X, Y, and Z? And they all said yes. Yeah.

And he paid a fraction, but he offered cash. My two dental insurances we've discussed is horseshit anyways. Oh fuck. I don't have dental insurance. No one does. Just go fucking go do it. Just go do it. Look, and if you're like, dude, I'm broke and I understand that.

We're speaking from a very ableist. Ableist. Yes. Thank you. But I always, like when I was a broke ass opening act. Yes. Still had dental work done. Put it on the phone.

All the time. I had to get my fake teeth done and we paid for it. No money. You know what's trash? A discover card. It's for your down years. So if you're in your broke years now, you go ahead and you get a discover card. Yeah.

And you throw a couple grand on it and you'll pay it off eventually. Yeah. And you'll have nice teeth. You know what I would do? What? I'd blow the Wu Tang clan. Jesus. What if they offered that?

We're going to fix your teeth. Absolutely. All night. That lady can give a BJ, huh? The head fits real nice right in there. Your, your best blow job years. Yeah. She knows how to do it.

Let's see what the price tag is on the million. Yeah. The million dollars. I said 40. You said 60. This is like prices right here. Okay. Yep.

Yeah. Alex. Terrible. Look how red the gums are. You look like you have periodontal disease. Oh, okay. We'll look at it. Let's find out.

Yeah. Let's let's see. But that the gums are first of all, they got a match and not everybody has the same color gums. I know. Or the teeth. Terrible. They have to be shaped to fit your teeth.

The shape of your mouth. Yeah. That's why veneers are so expensive because somebody custom crafts them to match your everything else. Yeah. The length of the, the width of the, the shape has to go with your, what you have already. Yeah. Just one size fits all.

The veneers. God damn. Get your life. The smile. This is like a smile system here. The million dollar smile, but that, that's funny because I, I just clicked on that. Are you in? And it didn't even say, um, let's see.

I went to million dollar smile and it was for a teeth whitener. It's like a different by perfect smile veneers. Okay. Let me try again. Million dollar smile. Perfect. Smile. The nears.

Okay. Let's see. Um, perfect smile. Okay. It's called, it's perfect. Smile teeth. Wow. Buy one.

Get one. 14. 99. Crooked. Crooked. 14. 99. Oh, I see it.

It's 15. I wouldn't get one. There you go. 14. I just pulled the same thing. Yeah. Oh. What was that?

Fifth. It's our, our nanny. Oh. Putting our kid down. That's how she puts them down. She just throws them in the crib. Jesus. No.

She knocked over the, the desitin. I know that sounds really well. Babe, you get two for 15. Two for 15. So I win. Holy shit. I was guessing 40. Right.

Oh. Oh, she looks terrible. She looks slutty. Of course she does. But do you think she became slutty because her teeth? No. In other words, did she overcompensate for how she felt about this? Right.

By being slutty. She has like a slutty. She's got, you know what? She looks slutty. There's no low lights. Yeah. When you bleach your hair blonde, you got to have low lights. You can't just do one white.

He's a good friend. It's like Kelly Bundy. He's sweet. Yeah. He's like, I'll watch your house. Yeah. I'll make sure your mom gets home safe. Yeah.

Like I want, I like him. Yeah. I feel like she's like a, like a working mom. This lady? She works at the bank. Yeah. She's nice. This one?

I've got trust issues with her. I don't like her at all. Yeah. Yeah. See, there's that slut again. Yeah. A little blondie. She's doing like some real.

Babe. You know what that looks like? They look like fake Halloween teeth, like Dracula teeth. Do not wear a perfect smile when eating, but yet they plug it that you wear it on a date. All right. Multiple times, even showed someone on a date. Wait, can you even sleep while wearing the perfect smile? Do not wear it when sleeping.

You can't do shit with your perfect smile. Can I wear it more than once? Dude, this is the biggest red flag. I mean, it's obvious it's 15 bucks, but they're like, wear it on a date. And then I just won't eat. Just don't eat. You're on a diet. It's designed to be worn frequently.

Remember to take it out at night when eating and wear it all over again. It's one size fits all for your mouth. Can we order one? Let's order it just to see what it's like. Okay. I'm dying to see how let's order it and I'll try it. Okay. Well, I don't know.

Maybe I should try it. You want to try it? Yeah. Cause I got real veneers. Would they get stuck to those and ripped off? That'd be bad. Did you fart? No.

I'm doing select one. Okay. Not right now. I know, but I want to make sure that I don't forget. So I'm putting this thing in there. I'll make a note of it. The perfect smell. Dude, guess what?

Shipping and handling is 1398 and the thing is 1499. That's bullshit. There's no reason it's $13 for shipping and handling. Well, it says seven, but I think it's because there's an additional one in there. It goes up. Oh, that's stupid. Yeah. It doesn't cost that much.

I know. But do you want to have nice teeth or not? Sometimes you got to pay the price. All right. I just put in that. Are you ready? I can't wait to see your perfect smile. I can't talk wearing perfect smile.

I've always loved having a perfect smile. Don't eat. Don't sleep and don't try to talk with your perfect smile. I feel bad for these people, man. Of course. Yeah. You're making the perfect smile. Things have not gone well for you.

Yeah. You're making bad decisions. Yeah, that's true. And I'm telling you, I wouldn't encourage this, but now I do. It's, it's okay to spend the money, man. On teeth. Yeah. It's a priority.

Yeah. You really got to. We've been saying that on the show for years. Yeah. I do it every 10 years. I re-app and I have to get two new front teeth. Yeah. And it sucks.

It costs a fortune. You did it. And I still did it. Yeah. Because it's a priority. And I'd actually, I didn't even blink. And you're like, I got to get my teeth. And I was like, yeah, of course.

Of course. Of course. Of course you do. Some people let it go. Let it go. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Let's see.

Ready? Hmm. Not again. Stupid bitch. No, that's not me. If the driver of this car had kept his speed to 100 K, here's where he would have stopped. If he'd stopped here,

his wife wouldn't take the full impact of the crash and die instantly. Oh. If he'd stopped here, the last thing Sally will ever hear wouldn't be the sound of her own neck breaking. All right. I got to. Can we stop watching these?

And Nicki wouldn't break several ribs and her collarbone. As for Jim, well, Jim could have avoided broken bones and a broken heart. But anyway, it's too late for all that now because this isn't where it stops.

It's where it all begins. Whoa. Wow. Oh, please. Don't play badminton. Oh. Oh. Oh, Aussies.

That'd seem a bit much. Can we stop playing these? Are we done? This is terrible. Okay. Wow. All right. Okay.

All right, Jeans. Anything else? We can't close on that. Yeah, that was a bit much. Let's see what's up with Pastor Manning. Okay. Pastor Manning. Here we go.

I haven't seen him in a while. He's really... This is Pastor Manning. We've played him before. He's... What's wrong with you? What's wrong with y'all? Right?

That's Pastor Manning. I'm James David Manning. I'm the Lord servant. I'm the son of my slayer. I'm the son of Satan. The son of a sack of white trash. If you thought that AIDS was bad, you ain't seen nothing yet.

You ain't seen nothing yet. Yeah. Well, you ain't seen nothing, my friend, until you have a flame coming out of your butthole and you need an asbestos diaper to be able to keep that flame from burning a hole in your pants. You ain't seen nothing yet. I got a penis injected in the butthole.

I got a penis injected in the butthole of every sodomite. Every sodomite. Every sodomite has a penis injected in my butthole. I got a burning... The only thing that's, like, out really outrageous, such a hateful homophobic lunatic. The only thing that always blows my mind is that he has actual followers.

Tons. Yeah. I mean, I don't know about tons, but he definitely has... He's in Brooklyn, right? Doesn't he have a... I think he's... I don't know if it's Brooklyn. It's in New York, for sure.

But he has people that... Like, he is the lead pastor for a lot of people. I don't know, man. It's really, really, really nuts that this is there. This is the guy they look to, to teach. You know, he's a teacher, essentially. Yeah. It shows you the impact, right?

Yeah. I mean, this guy is teaching people. Yeah. There's something funny there. Butthole, I got a flame coming out of my butthole. God! I'm gonna become a sodomite. I got an internal flame coming out of the butthole.

Jesus, come into my butt. T.D. Jake's Creflo Donald. Barack Hussein Obama. Come into my butt. You better go and pray to God and ask God to come into my butt. When that penis comes out, the flame will start burning. I got the word in my butthole.

Manning reply. I think maybe he's in Harlem. Harlem. Right. There you go. The ATLA organization. The healing word in my butthole. I got the word in my butthole right now.

Somebody cut this together. On Harlem nights, all the faggots up here in Harlem in my butthole. You're gonna think you're gonna be in the midst of the swamps of South Carolina. All of a sudden, Harlem's gonna be lit up with faggots in my butthole. Thank you for making me play that, babe. That's really cool. Thank you for putting that on the list. Really neat.

I thought it was nice. Definitely funnier than the horrifying PSA we just saw. Snaves and stuff cut that together. Very well done to cut him together. All right. Jeans. Very fun episode. Again, every episode of your mom's house is now available for download.

Sorry. It's not already on your life. Absolutely bombarded your feeds. We did it with with good intentions in our hearts and my 2017 tour. No teeth. No entry. We'll begin in January. Tickets go on sale this Friday, the 21st.

It's too bad you can't get sponsored by the million dollar smile. Now they won't. Maybe I got maybe I had a shot and I think that's that. That's it guys. Thank you for listening. Thank you for watching us on YouTube. And we'll see you next week. Don't forget the Christiansa Cincinnati and Indian Appleteats starting Sunday.

Indian Appleteats Sunday. That's right. That's right. Are you saying that with your million dollar smile? I got my million dollar smile. Indian Appleteats. I'm fired. Christian Appleteats.

You know what I was supposed to do? I was supposed to give Roger five guards with panties. Not in pink. I won't say what goes with pink. These are for Mickey Esposito since everybody's panties get in a wad when I come up here. So send them to her, okay? Now these here, they can't even fit on my ankle. Did you see me in a book?

Women are stupid. I have two boobs. Not six. I have six butts. I have two boobs. Not six. I have six butts. More love.

More love. He protects you guys and people like me. He protects you guys and people like me. More love. More love. And guess what? My dad called it dental floss. And guess what I did with it?

I put it away. Something like this. And I made a lot of money. You have no idea who knows me. You have no idea who knows me. Women are stupid. I have two boobs. Not six.

I have six butts. I have two boobs. Not six. I have six butts. More love. More love. He protects you guys and people like me. He protects you guys and people like me.

More love. More love. And guess what? My dad called it dental floss. And guess what I did with it? I put it away. Something like this. And I made a lot of money.

Women are stupid. Women are stupid. Women are stupid.