Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 367-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: October 26, 2016

This week on YMH, Tom and Christina take a look at Christina's ex-boyfriend who know works as an insane deck hand, a couple of fighting brothers who desperately want you to look at them, and go in depth on Tom's most recent physical

Oh right on a whole new board jeans. It's so official looking. This hook by the way big thanks to Matt Russell and Obi-Wan Kanoli for walking me through so many new board issues. These guys were professionals and they helped me. So thanks guys. And there you have it. Episode 367 of your mom's house is about to begin. A couple additional notes to the date plugs because we recorded the episode a few days ago. I found out that Minneapolis we've added a second show for the tour next year and Boston we've added a second show and we also added shows in Kansas City. We hear you, we hear you, we hear you. So Kansas City has

been added in January. You can get those tickets. Also Oxnard, Liberty Live, Oxnard California was added. Alright, that's it. Anything else, Jeans? No, I'm just excited for them to hear this episode. Here we go. There's turds on the ground. What? They didn't tell me that. Well yeah, I thought it was an episode and my panic's called you. There's turds on the ground.

What? What? There's turds on the ground. There's turds on the ground. Back up and out. Oh my God. Yeah, yeah. Crazy people raise your children. Yeah, you're right. You gotta raise your kids. You gotta raise your kids. Yeah, I know.

Are you being facetious? No. I just think it's a silly thing to have to say, you know. Well, I think for the super wealthy, the super rich, who don't have time to be with their children and they push them off on to nannies, it's like, I mean I get why, but uh-uh, because then that motherfucker raises your kids. Yeah, it's true. You don't know who's raising your kids. Who's raising your kids. And they're not kissing them all day and loving on them like you are.

I got three beverages. You have. I got a DC. Mm-hmm. I got a Lacroix. And then of course water because the champion. Where's your wine? Yeah, I'm actually really thirsty.

Really? Yeah. I'm thirsty right now. I have a sip. Probably because you haven't been hydrating at all today. I haven't seen you drink any water. I drink a bunch. I bought a couple of waters actually.

It goes out. I think it's thirsty. I'm sorry, is your name on here? No. It's not main mommy water champion. Can I have a sip? That's who this belongs to. I can sell you a sip.

Okay. Cool. Could you drag it out more? Thanks. Yeah, I can because if the audience is paying attention, they can see that I'm the water champion. Oh. And you had to beg me for my water because I hydrate constantly.

Mm-hmm. Why are you so sweaty right now? Because I was running around. I ran outside. I switched the boards. Having board problems. I finally installed the new Soundcraft board. It was recommended to me.

I couldn't get it to function. I couldn't get it to work. I did it really quick. That's why I did it really quick. I know. I know. I didn't take my time with it. Fuck man.

I could not get. I couldn't get the, this is boring to people, but I couldn't get this to read the sound through the USB. I couldn't get it to work. And the USB, did you plug it into, plug it into Soundstew and then import it as an AIF file? This is a, this was sent in by somebody named first name, last name. It's called a higher to tighter show opener.

Oh, I like it. I like it too. Go ahead. Oh, I will at this point, the time this airs, I will be at the DC improv December 9th and then I'm home. We got a busy couple months coming up. Jeans were moving. Jesus Christ.

It's so much shit. But you were, you're hustling like Rick Ross. I'm on the road constantly. I know. Not only that, I just announced a tour that, that starts in January. You'll see Ellis when he's five. Oh, stop it. But you got to because we got to pay that mortgage.

I know. That's official adult status now. You're not going out to do shows. You're like, I gotta pay for shit. Yeah. The paying the mortgage tour. You know, let the drop some knowledge. Yeah.

Yeah. So you mentioned your DC. Yeah. I have one, one day. This week I'm in, I'm in Judo or titties. By the way, you can get free tickets to see my unmasked with Ron Bennington. Yes. It's going to be Thursday.

If you go to Bennington show at Bennington show on Twitter, you can get free tickets from them to that. That's going to be Thursday at three p.m. And then I have shows all weekends at Carolines coming up after that. Louisville, Kentucky. Louisville. Lucerville. Lucerville.

Crawling me North Carolina. That's good. At Good Nights, Charlie Good Nights. Yeah. And then I round it out. I do fill her up. Delphia. The truck is going to be the Kakadera Theater.

That's good. You got it. And fill her up. There's four shows. And in December, West Balls Beach, Florida. And I'm doing New Year's in Mom Lando. Oh, that should be fun. Yeah.

Then I announced a big tour that starts in January. It's all at TomSigura.com. And there's even some dates not mentioned there. They're going to be added. For instance, Oxnard is right before that official tour starts. And there's other cities that I'm going to add during the year. But it's all on sale now. So loud.

Okay. Where can they go get your tickets? TomSigura.com. TomSigura.com. Yeah. Guys, also check out That's Deep Bro podcast. I just had Kevin Christie on. We talk about grief.

It's real fun. Actually, it ended up being a really fun podcast. And we laughed a lot. And we were really happy. It really was grief? Yeah. Because his dad died in a horribly bizarre accident. That was really terrible.

Like a horrible hiking accident. And then my mom died last year. And we talked about it. And it ended up being like super not a bummer. I know it sounds like a bummer, but it wasn't. And this was, if I recall... Uncircumcised man, yeah. Uncircumcised man.

Does that recall? You sound like that guy. As I recall... He's like, Uncircumcised guy, does that recall? No, what I was going to say is that I remember that his dad was like an experienced guy going out, right? Yes. Knew the terrain very, very well. Yeah.

And then a storm came. And then no good. They never found him horrendous. Yeah. So how does he deal with something like that? And I think it's a valuable lesson in people dealing with all kinds of crap. Like grief is not just about death. Like people lose stuff.

You lose every day, right? Yeah, man. You win some, you lose some, guys. That's how it's always been. Ups and downs. Yeah. We get super deep on it. Um...

Yeah. The holidays are coming up. And with the holidays, you got to start doing your Amazon shopping. Yeah. Am I right? Absolutely. I advise you to buy your gifts on Amazon using our banner. Go to your mom's house, podcast.com, click on the banner at the bottom of the homepage,

do your shopping as you normally would. Buy your Halloween costumes. Buy your Christmas gifts and have them shipped to the people that you're going to go visit. Don't travel with bags full of gifts. You think TSA is going to respect your nicely wrapped present? Hell no. To the no, no, no. TSA don't give a fuck.

No, no, no. Yeah. They don't give a fuck. They don't give a fuck. They'll fuck up your shit, man. How'd that shit sound? You know what I'm saying? Ship your gifts, man.

You know what I'm saying? Ship your gifts. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Ship them shits. Ship them shits. Yeah, ship them shits, dog. And why not get the loved one in your life a gift from your mom's house?

Why not go to our shop on your mom's house, podcast.com, and buy a t-shirt. DJ DadMouth. DJ DadMouth shirt. Yeah. Get a double five classic shirt. Beautiful. Remember, we might be coming out with one soon. Yeah.

We're going to reveal later for the special holidays. Yeah. It's going to be. It's going to be mage. It's going to be real mage. A sa, maja. A sa, that's sa, maja. Oh my God.

That dress is everything. Do you guys know what that is? That's Rachel's. We used to watch that show together. She's so ridiculous. She's got that's sa, maja. She's got that's sa, maja. She's got that dress.

Yeah. Oh my God. That dress is everything. She talks a lot of vocal fry. Yeah. Really the most. Yeah. I remember looking for clips of her though years ago.

It was hard to find. Now she's it. Well, she's on. I follow her on Instagram. Yeah. But I don't know. Are the clips out there? Yeah.

Every day she's like, I just woke up and I don't have any makeup on. I mean, I got it. And her face is fully Botoxed. Yeah. Like she's, she looks great. I think she looks great for her age. She's almost my age. Do you want to know what she looks like?

I think she's my favorite, she's almost my. Do you want to start the show? Yeah. It's magic. Actually, it's a clip from one of your boyfriends from college. It is, I have it muted. He looks familiar though. That was my freshman year.

That's when I was still doing white guys. Oh yeah, this is your boy. We have your permission and everything to like, use all this footage of you and stuff and put it online. Fuck it, uh, come. Even all that IFQ stuff, and if you're not cool with it. I mean, the stuff that you were talking about, like, that'd be good. Fuck that shit, fucking publisher, goddamn thing. I ain't gonna lie to-

We just want to make sure that you're cool with it before we- Fuck it, throw it back on. Are we good with this? This shit is big time! Who is Ram? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Don't burn me in the fucking sand! Welcome.

Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura. Tom Segura. Christina Pazitzis. Christina Pazitzis. Welcome to your mom's house. Tom, Tom, aren't you scratching on this? Yep.

Yeah. So do you remember dating this guy or no? Well, we didn't date, but we just effed. Oh really? This is my last white boyfriend before I started dating a lot of Puerto Rican dudes. And then I married you. Wow.

There was like five Puerto Rican dudes and then you. That's really something. But he was special because this guy was a math major and he would occasionally smoke crack. Like he would pick it up one month stop. Yeah. You know, he was real smart. Do you miss him?

All the time. Is that Derek? I miss Derek. Derek, yeah. That looks like a Derek, doesn't it? It does. It does, man. Or a Rick.

Oh, I could see a Rick. Scott. Yeah. Scott. I've known really trashy Scots too. Yeah. I've known quite a few. Yeah.

Why is Scott such a trash name? I don't know. We're going to get some Scott messages for sure. So many Scott men. Hey, what's up, Scots? Fuck you. Your piece is a shit. I'm classy.

Remember when I did that at that, at the Burbank show? Were you there for that? You were there. I remember we were doing the meet and greet. And this girl was like, uh, will you say hi to like my friend Derek? And I go, yeah. And I always like, I don't know how to make it not lame. So I just go to dumb and I go, what's up, Derek?

You fucking piece of shit. Oh, right. Yeah. And she was like, and her face dropped. Yeah. And she was like, um, okay. I got like really offended by it. I go, how could you get, I don't know, you're at a comedy show.

Why would you get offended by that? But what was it? I thought he was like five years old or something. No. Oh, what if he was like a five year old kid and you're like, that's Derek's a fucking piece of shit. I think I see like you fucking Jew. She's like, he is.

I just guessed that. You know, I block out stupid moments like that in my life. Yeah. Yeah. I just block them right out. I can't think about it. Okay. No, I'm serious.

Like stupidity. That she was being stupid. Yeah. I like, I don't even, I says a register anymore. Yeah. I'm upset about this board. What's wrong? What do you mean?

What's wrong? About this particular board. About getting the other board in here. Well, I mean, look, you knew that that was going to be a time investment to. I didn't think so. Oh, I think it takes. I just threw these things in the same, same compartments, you know, same inputs. But that's a different board.

I know, but I didn't think it would be that complicated. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's okay. This sounds good. I mean, it's still good. All right.

Well, what do you, you don't want me to be upset about it? No, I mean, I don't know why it's, I think you've done a great job is when I'm trying to validate you and say that we carried on and it's good. Yeah. I guess. All right. Fine. Don't, you know.

Well, what is my boyfriend talking about? I have no idea. I have no idea. It says deck hands. Yeah. I think it's a show. This is a reality show. Okay.

And these guys are a Mensa members. Yeah. Why isn't this mentioned in here that what it is though, like, why isn't it mentioned in the description? I don't know. You know, do you have, do you know what it's from deck hands? What's that? I don't know.

Okay. Just deck hands. Yeah. But who are you mad at? Are you mad at blue band? Yeah. You didn't put on there? Who is this supposed to be?

From what? I don't know, babe. Okay. The only person I ever have to lie to is the goddamn judge. Fucking lion cheek, fucking rich pieces of shit, fucking getting richer off the fucking ones that are breaking our hands. Fuck you, motherfuckers. That's what I got to say about the whole IFQ thing.

Fuck down. What's IFQ? IFQ. Yeah. No idea. Okay. IFQ. So, you don't remember this guy?

You don't remember making love to him? No, I'm telling you. He was my last white boyfriend freshman year, Derrick, and he came from Medford, Oregon, which is like a logger town. He's real, you know, rough around the edges, but that's why I liked him. His hands were kind of rough, but he was soft inside, you know? Yeah. I love guys like that.

It occurs to me a little bit, but I just didn't introduce him to my parents. Do you remember love making? He's very gentle. Yeah. You'd be surprised how sweet Derrick's love making is. What about it? It's a real treat. Well, a lot of times his breasts smell bad, like whiskey, or marijuana, but when he wasn't

high or drunk, he was real sweet. Those are the best votes of confidence on people, you know? When they're not fucked up, they're awesome. Yeah, that's the best. He drinks and he does marijuana. You know, and when he gets on those things, he's a different guy. But when he's on that, marijuana and whiskey, he gets crazy. Yeah.

I know. Yeah, it's kind of a bummer to only have like half a person in your life, you know? Like, I always am amazed when women hang in there for those types of relationships. Like, well, you know, I mean, 70% of the time, he's a POS, but then that 30. This really is an example. I mean, she's a little slow. I don't know if you can tell. Really?

By the... Wait a minute. Yeah. What are you saying? She's a little not on the level. Like what? Like how? You can hear it.

You can hear it. She's not doing so well. She's a retard. Yeah. Have you ever seen Old MacDonald had a farm? When you start making them fucking insect sounds back there, Old MacDonald, man, on that farm he had a great... Great, great, great, great, great.

When you start singing that crazy shit, that's when... Man, I'd rather listen to some fucking Metallica or something back here while you're killing shit. Right. You know? He always likes Metallica. What are you saying? That he'd rather listen to Metallica than Old MacDonald had a farm?

Yeah. But where's Old MacDonald had a farm playing? I don't know. But I also don't know how you find a sun visor with a rebel flag. Oh, I know where you can get one. Have you ever seen Old MacDonald had a farm? Never seen it. And you start making them fucking insect sounds back there, Old MacDonald, man, on that farm

he had a great... Great, great, great, great, great. When you start singing that crazy shit, that's when... What? I'd rather listen to some fucking Metallica. Yeah, these are my winter shoes. Look at that. I got down to fucking 60 this morning.

Fuck, yeah. Born star. Oh, my God. I'm about ready to touch my fucking naughty parts. What is he drinking? Bushlight, maybe? That's also... You see that in Florida, you see it's a real winter circle, kind of.

Yeah. Yeah, bushlight. Because it's like a 12er for like six bucks or something. It's real cheap. It's real cheap, yeah. It's like 50 cents a beer. Man. Man.

Yeah, that's like... Man. When you're in high school in Florida and you're drinking out in the groves, and also when you're a deckhand and you wear a Confederate flag visor, you drink bushlight. He's touched my fucking naughty parts. So there's a show that follows this piece of shit around? I'm assuming... And here's the thing.

Why not, if you're gonna invest in alcohol, how much could that 12er be? Like, why not just get an eye train or thunderbird? Yeah. It's stronger. And number two, if you're gonna wear socks, why mash the flip-flop into the sock in between the two? You think he's thinking these things through? You think he's like, hmm, I don't know if this really adds up to me.

He probably doesn't do that. Why not just commit to a full closed-toe situation? Yeah. Well, he's on a boat, but it was 60 in the morning, he said. He got cold. Oh, so it's cold. It's wintertime. His tootsies got cold.

Do you think he has cute tootsies or not? Oh, they're super nice. You can tell, right? Yeah. Yeah. God, my dad's got a lot of toenails. He does. I've seen his.

Oh my god. Dot com. Yeah. Yeah. The toenails are fully yellow and corroded and falling off. It's been that way for years. Yeah. You know why that happens though?

You know why they're at this level? Because he's never, at the early level, didn't care. That's how all shit gets like that. Because when it started, he was like, I'm gonna fuck. Maybe it'll just go away on its own. And you ignore it. I tell you, the older I get, the less I ignore body stuff now. Because you're like, this could be cancer.

Everything could be potentially bad, like really bad at my age. Yeah. Yeah. Right? It could be an indicator of like severe problems. Do you think he's eating like a kale? Oh, I, by the way, think about that all the time. About what?

Everything could be a problem. Of course. I started to think about it much more. Because people our age die now. I know. I just had a physical. We'll get into that. That's a whole, that's a whole episode.

Yeah. I mean, I mean, do you want to go there? Do you want to focus on your lover? Let's hear what Heidegger Nietzsche has to say here. Aristotle. Yeah. The Aristotle of Florida with this guy. Yeah.

What's he eating? Hi. My name is Shane mother fucking Lee. Dot com. www.com. Fuck yeah. Dot com. Fuck yeah.

Yeah. This is a show where they're just following a bum like a drunk. A drunk drifter in Florida around is what it feels like. How come Florida attracts like this specific type of trash? Because you can survive there. I think you're never going to freeze the death. Right. You can get work doing bullshit.

Right. Being a deck. You can work in the orange groves or you don't, you don't have to like have a high falutin job. You can sleep outside. You can buy bushlight and you can just drink it and just go to work. He was working. He was being, he was on the boat.

Do you think it's like, it's the swamp thing? Like, you know how there's either swamp people. Yeah. I don't know, man. There are swamp people. I mean, I think it's a combination of everything. I think it's that, that, you know, it's an easy, easy state to carry a weapon in. There you go.

There's no state income tax. There you go. That always, that draws in people that are really rich and then people who are like, I don't pay no motherfucking tax. So, you know, I don't know. I think the combination of those and that, and you can wear a Confederate flag, sun visor, and nobody gives you static. Yeah.

That's also, that is another class. Yeah. In Florida. Nobody's going to look twice at you. Right. Florida. Yeah. God.

In Florida, nobody will, some places they won't give a double take. Yeah. That's true. I mean, you can't do that shit in Miami. Yeah. I know. But, yeah. Like Boca.

But. Fuck it. I got the tools to show you fucking wings of fucking very fucking faggot fucking fighter. Fuck it. I'm not faggot, but we fucked that up. Panama City? Yeah. We got the new job.

Look at him. Yeah. He's just a drunk though. Yeah. I actually just, I want to punch the production people. Yeah. For showcasing. What are you doing?

Yeah. This guy's a fucking idiot. Because the key to an interesting crazy is that they're interesting. Yeah. They need to have something else besides. Just some fucking loser. Being a loser. Yeah.

Like, hey, you want to follow a loser around? Yeah. With a camera? Yeah. Like a guy that just never leaves the front of 7-Eleven? Yeah. Yeah. Let's give them a show.

That show should just be called Losers. Yeah. And they go to 7-Eleven and Silver Lake. Remember we used to live. Yeah. That one next to our house. Right. And they follow people buying hot dogs.

Yeah. It's not evil. Like, when we're not evil people. Right. Yeah. Who was it? Was it Jeff Tate that was buying all the hot dogs? Oh, he's a hot dogs and Gatorade.

Right. But there's someone else that we would. Did he message you by the way? No. He didn't? I don't think so. Message me on the Twitters? No.

Text message you. I don't know. All right. Cool nose pic. That's been a busy day. That was really in there. I wish the Persian lady would start texting me. Yeah.

That'll be the best. I know. I got a message for Shanaz today. Another nursing opportunity in Florida. Oh, really? Uh-huh. She's missed out on a ton of them. I have to tell you this.

I cannot believe. You know, when you don't write shit down, you fuck yourself, right? This happened when I was back in Charlotte. In Charlotte, North Carolina. I went to, I was doing the show. You're not going to believe this. I have to actually show you, set this up so you know exactly what I'm talking about. Okay.

This is a perfect timing. This is the infamous bikes clip that ended up being a bit. Right? So this is the kid that I talked about. I didn't even notice that before. I talked about his haircut and the special. I forgot. I talked about this whole exchange.

Yeah. All right. That's the kid. Okay. That's him. I'm sitting there. I'm not sitting there. I'm standing on stage.

I'm performing in Charlotte on Friday. I think Friday early show. Really, really. I still remember, you know, you forget about shows. It was such a good show. It was such a good crowd. During the show, he's laid the front row. I say something.

I go, what? And she goes, I dated this kid. Oh, shit. That's incredible. It's very random. And so she dated him at this age. You're kidding. And I go, you have got to be shitting me.

She goes, no, I go, so when you were dating, like, did this air? She was like, yeah. And he ended up changing his name. Tom Segura. Yeah. His name is Tom Segura. He ended up changing his name. And anyways, now I'm glad he did change his name because then you made this into a major

bit. I know. The guy's like, what the fuck? But this is what I wanted to show you. Well, first of all, I wanted to tell you that he is now, now, just went to prison. No. So it didn't really work. They didn't scare him out of it.

They didn't scare him straight, for sure. Negative. That never works. Yeah. You know, like in Springer, when they bring out the teenagers that were rebelling and yell at them. Yeah. It doesn't work.

Do you want to see what it looks like now or not? I'd love to see what he... So look at him here. Well, how would you describe him? He's adorable. He's like 12. This kid could be our son. Yeah.

He looks really cute. Just perfect little Aryan boy. Looks like a sweet kid, right? Yeah. The haircut's menacing, but you know. Menacing. Well, it's a Hitler youth cut. Oh, come on.

He's got a bowl cut parted in the middle. He looks like, he looks like, hey, Hitler. Okay. What if that's what this is? He's a dickhead. Oh, no. That's him now. Okay.

That's crazy. Yeah. And how did you find this picture? Because I found out his name from the lady. His name is Justin. What do you think of that? I think that's a... Hands.

Yeah. Some job stoppers there. Yeah. But look at that. Oh, he's doing the grimace. Did you know what though? The kid that got yelled at and scared. This is what you'd expect for the ghost of Christmas future for this kid, you know.

Or you expect to have a fucking accountant. Yeah. Scared me straight. I don't know. Wow. That's so crazy, Jeans. Do you think he knows the bit? I can't believe you don't think this is a bigger deal.

I don't only because, only because in this era of the internet now. Yeah. It's everything, everything comes together so much faster. Yeah. I'm serious. That woman probably was like, oh my gosh. She's probably a fan of yours. Oh, she was.

That's what she was. Yeah. And then she put it. Yeah. You know, it's not that crazy. Now you have lots of fans. Okay. Well, I thought it was pretty crazy.

And she also let me know his mailing address in prison. Now that's crazy. Yeah. Are you going to write to him? That part's crazy if you write to him. Well, I was thinking of giving out his address so that everyone could write to him. Are you sure? I'm willing to encourage him to.

To be not a criminal? Yeah. Or just, you know, get through your time. You know how many fucking dumb shit he's going to get? Or people are like bikes. It's all it's going to be is bikes. I know. And pull your jeans up just and stay and stay out of prison.

Bikes. Yeah. Bikes. He's like, wait, why are these people calling me mommy? Yeah. Bikes and the drawing pictures of bikes. That's what I wanted. Is that he just opens a letter and it just has a drawing of a bike.

Let's do it. Do you want to help? I don't know. I mean, I asked and then I consulted with somebody legally about doing that. Oh, right, right. And they said it was fine because, you know, we're asking people to write something nice. Encourage. But I'm just apprehensive about it.

I'm apprehensive too. Intuitively, it doesn't sound like a good idea. Yeah. I mean, look what happens when people just, we sick the mommies on like a Twitter person. We got Gloria Estefan on Gloria Estefan because of the mommies. Yeah. I don't know. We might ruin that guy's life.

Yeah. I don't want to do that. I really don't want to do that. It was, I mean, I really thought it'd be cool. In my mind, the cool thing would be he goes, uh, he's in prison with suck, which sucks. Yeah. And then he gets no, then they go like, Hey, male and like one guy gets a letter. One guy gets two letters and the guy's first name is Justin.

I can say that. Yeah. Justin and they have just like a bundle. I know. What the fuck? And then people are writing cool things to him. Like, dude, yeah, like you'll get through this or, you know, encouraging stuff. Um, you know, the guy, I think he's, I don't know if he's married.

He's got a couple of kids. I don't know. They could, people could be cool. But then again, if people just go off and do something crazy, I don't want to be the one who encouraged, who they blame for inciting that, you know? Yeah. I don't know. So anyways, we'll think about it.

Let's talk to our lawyer. Okay. Let's ask our attorney. I'll say this. It's not that hard to find. Okay. So I'll just say that it's not that hard to find him. No.

I mean, if you know me and you can find me. Okay. You can find him. It's a veiled. Okay. Like where could they find you? I don't know, man. On Twitter or I don't know.

I don't know. There's other places. I don't know. I can't, come on. Can't solve the whole mystery. No. Okay. So they see you on social media.

Maybe they can find this place to send Justin some nice mail. I guess. I think they could. I'm not telling you you can. Okay. But I would encourage you, if you do decide to write Justin a letter. I mean, seriously, say something nice. Wouldn't that be, wouldn't, if you, if it sucked for you, like wouldn't it suck?

First of all, they told me that his vibe, like his crime was that he, I think it was on probation and he was in, um, in possession of stolen property. So it's very possible that why he's in prison is because of like he could have received a stolen and ends up in prison. So anyways, what I'm saying is that sucks just to go to prison. Wouldn't it be cool? If at least you get like a hundred letters. Yeah.

Or more definitely be the bright spot in your day. That's the part of me that wants to do it. But I, like, again, in a mystery that he would never maybe solve. He's like, what? Who? Yeah. What's Netflix? Like, I don't know how long he's been away.

What's Netflix? He just went away now. Oh, okay. Yeah. He just got locked up. That is so bananas. Yeah. He told me about it at the show and I wrote to her later, like, you know, just asking

questions and stuff. And, you know, she was a nice kid, 12 year old kid. She was there with her husband. Probably came from a bad family. I'm guessing Justin didn't have great parents. Maybe. I'm guessing you didn't have a lot of guidance. You think so?

Yeah. I mean, that's why you're into shit at 12. You're on the scared straight show because your parents don't give a fuck about you. You're running the streets. Yeah. Seriously. 12? You're not even capable of shit unless your parents are bad.

That's true. You know, you're tired, huh? Jeans. You know, long day. Well, that's a long day. Do you want to talk about the physical? I think we should. Okay.

Have some of that. Which one? Yeah. Which one of my three? Sozo. Sozo nut. Yeah. Yeah.

It's not even open yet. Sweet. Oh, it's nice and cold. Yeah. Yeah. So here's what happened, man. It's been two years. Yeah.

It's been two years since my last physical. Mm-hmm. I like to stay on top of it. Yours is... How long has yours... I forgot because you told me. Yours has been... How many years?

40. I can't believe you've never had one. I've never had a physical. You know why? Because I'm Hungarian. I got Cockroach DNA. It's true. It is true.

I have no problems. I don't believe in this fucking bullshit. You're going to outlive me by 25 to 45 years. I hope so. Jesus. I hope so. I don't want you to die. Thanks.

Your genetics are far weaker than mine. Yeah. You're less resilient. You get sicker more. Yeah. You get sick more. Mm-hmm. Your bowels are constantly bothering you.

All right. So here's what happened. Yeah. I go in, first of all, from 2014, I weigh 10 pounds less than I did in 2014. Good. That's good. Check. I weigh two pounds less than I did about six weeks ago.

Okay. That's when I started eating like keto. Keto? Yeah. Keto. Keto or keto? It's keto. K-E-T-O.

Yeah. Okay. It's keto. It's named after Keto Kalin. It's named after Keto Kalin. And so that's the good stuff. Yeah. That's best about where good stuff ends.

So then he goes, my doctor's real thorough. He is Dr. Dick, by the way. Yes. I follow my stand-up at all, completely normal, or you stream it on Pandora. I get a breakdown that charts top tracks that are streaming. And Dr. Dick has been number one for me for about, I don't know, 15 months. Yeah. So it's my most...

And he is real. He's our doctor. Yeah. I go see this guy too. And he says horrendously funny shit to us. So that's the guy. Anyways, he keeps really thorough notes, really thorough background stuff. So he's like, yeah, your weight's down.

Let me see what I wrote down in 2014. He goes, yeah, I wrote, lose weight. I guess you can finally listen to me. I go, all right, man. He keeps talking, asking me how anything, anything bothering you. He goes, oh, I wrote that you had food poisoning this one time, you had this. I said, yeah, you know, I had a food allergy test and they sent it to him because they sent any specialist send something to him.

He goes, that came back all negative. I said, yeah, I am going to sue this gastroenterologist though. I had a consultation because of like explosive diarrhea and crazy shit. Constant shits. And I said, and I broke down from how there's kind of no rhyme or reason. Like some days it's horrible. Yeah. It's also like quick.

And then some days it's fine. It's IBS. Anyways, I diagnosed you. I think it is. He goes, hmm, hmm. And then has, has you, have you had that test or that test? And I go, no, I'm having, I'm having it coming up. And he goes, yeah, I think you should.

And he goes, should I test? Should I check your prostate? And I go, uh, he goes, looks at me and I go, I don't know. Like you're the doctor because we were a little young for it. I don't think so. I go, all right. Then we keep talking about gastro stuff. He goes, but maybe there's something there.

Hmm. All right. Uh, all right, we'll do it. And I'm like, oh man. And were you bombed because it sounded like you got out of it. Yeah. Well, I wasn't bombed because I told him, I go, he kept looking at me like, what do you want to do?

And I go, dude, I, I trust your, right. If you think it, do it, do it. But have you ever had a finger in your butthole? Yes. Okay. But not that deep. So let me tell you about this. That's what I'm saying is that it's because if someone told me,

we're not going to do this today, I'd be like, great, let's move on. Yeah. I wouldn't debate it. Quit debating. Quit debating. Don't put it in there. Don't put it in there because I don't like a finger in my butt. Quit debating.

Yeah. Put it in there. So anyways, we do the physical. Oh, then he goes, oh, let's run a quick EKG on you. Hmm. And I'm like, all right. He runs it. And as is, has been the case, I have a super low, uh, sitting heart rate.

No, like a, like an athlete. Yeah. Which is again, it's in that, it's in that bit. It's all like all the jokes about that. Yes. So he goes, man, your heart rate is so low. I go, I know it hasn't changed though. It's always been like that.

Yeah. He goes, I want you to wear a monitor, a heart monitor at home tonight while you sleep. Yeah. Like why? Because I want to see how low it gets when you're sleeping. He goes, if it gets this low when you're awake, I want to see how low it gets when you're sleeping. You probably have near death experiences every night that you think are dreams, but you're

on the other side. And if you don't know, you know, the jokes that I make about it are because marathon runners, really, really strong cardiovascular people, their hearts are strong. So therefore they, they don't beat as many times per minute. Right. So I have a, my heart, my sitting heart rates around 44. There's got to be like a hole in it or something that's making it extra slow. It's definitely not.

I am laid back. Maybe he goes like, are you ever tired and like all the time? Yeah, it's your heart. So anyways, I wore that. I slept with it last night. Like a 90 year old man, 15 patches on me. It's embarrassing. And I mean, it was fine.

It felt bad for you. And then I saw people look at it when I went from him. I went to the ride aid right to get your button down. Yeah. Like this on people are like, oh, he's dying. He's about to die. Yeah. I'm surprised they didn't shave your chest though.

Cause didn't it hurt? Yes. Did hairs rip out multiple, unresponsibly. Yes. Yeah. They usually shave you for that. They didn't. It's not cool.

Now how did you sleep with that stupid thing in your pocket? It was fine. I had shorts on and I was honestly, you know what? Health yesterday. I was so tired that it was easy to fall asleep. Been a rough couple of weeks in the cigarette house. We're recording this at night while the baby sleeps. We normally do this in the day, but it's been nutty.

Yeah. Yeah. Lots going on. So, okay. He fingers your butt. Wait, no, no, no. We're not there yet. Oh, I'm sorry.

So they take a bunch of blood. Yeah. I do a urine test. He goes, um, here you're going to take this heart thing home. I go, okay. Then he checks the balls, you know. And what does that feel like? Is it kind of nice or is it medical?

No, it's medical. It's real medical. Does he touch it hard to feel for love, sir? Not hard. Pressure. It's, it's soft to medium, but it checks around. Does he wear gloves or free ball? Free hands.

Free hands. No, he gloves it up. He has soft, nice hands. He has nice hands. Yeah. And you can tell he knows what to do with a pair of nuts. Like he knows how to hold them medically. Sure.

Um, yeah. So. Did you have to cough? Is that real? Sometimes. I didn't have to cough yesterday, but I have had to cough before. Why did they do that? Um, I guess because they know, like it's a reflex thing.

To see the lip. They're supposed to go. So if they don't, maybe something's wrong. I don't know. Um, anyways, checks me all out. Then comes, he goes, all right, lay on your left side. Yeah. And he goes now, now with your left hand.

So imagine you're laying on your left side. Yeah. Extend your hand as far as you can and hold up your cell phone. I'm like, okay. And he's like an open the camera. I'm like, all right. And he's like, no, put the reverse camp, you know, reverse camera on so you can. So for a selfie.

And I'm like, what? And he's like, do it. So I put it on and he's like, all right, right. Take a picture. I go, okay. So it's me holding it out. And then he holds his finger up to his nose and he's like, mmm, like that. That's what my doctor did.

Yeah. And I go, can I please post this? He was like, absolutely not. That's not it to you though. I was amazed. I really appreciate it. I can't post it. You know, he asked, I mean,

No, he's a professional doctor. Yeah. He's a really good doctor. By the way, he's so thorough. He's so good. He's a genius. I go in there for like minor stuff and he's so thorough. Let me tell you this.

So then comes the moment of truth. He's like, lay, lay there, pull your knees up. Yeah. He had been there and he lubes up the finger. Right. How much of the finger does he lubricate? I can't really tell, but it feels pretty middle. He does.

I think it's a index. Yeah. And it's pretty. I asked him right before I go, you want me to clean up back there? And he kind of smiled. And then. Wait. Is that I thought of that with you because that's my fear about putting my finger or

mouth on your rectum is how dirty it must be. It was. And the thing is, is that it wasn't, was it sweaty? It was hot today in LA. No. It was yesterday. Oh, it was yesterday. It was fine.

Yeah. It's just overcast. So you did, but you did feel self conscious about the smell at first. I didn't even know what it looked like. So I real quick did a cursory check back there. I took some paper and I checked. You got it. Nothing.

So I was clean. Yeah. Cause when I go to the gynecologist, I make sure I'm very clean. Yeah. I take a nice full shower. I didn't know anyone was going to get in there. I knew it. Remember I asked you.

Yeah. I go, he's going to stick his finger in your butt. You go, no, he's not. Because he is. He wasn't going to. He decided in the moment. You asked for it. Did not ask for it.

So he sticks, he sticks his finger in. Yeah. And I'm surprised at the ease and also the lack of discomfort. I'm feeling really at first. Right. So I, it's like, okay. And I'm like, oh, baby monitor. I'm like, all right.

That's not bad. Yeah. And as that thought is processing, like that's not bad. He does a swipe. He goes, he goes no polyps like that. And then he goes, oh, like I can feel it. He goes checking the prostate. I'm like, I do like that.

Like just startled, you know, like absolutely. I go, ah, and he goes, you want a second opinion? I can put another finger in there. And I'm like, dude. And then he pulls it. I go, there you go. I'm like, oh my God, man. Like it, it was traumatic.

It was traumatic. It's terrible. When, whenever someone puts their hand inside of you, remember when I was getting checked when I was going to birth Ellis and someone put their hand on my cooch every hour, like, all right. And it hurts at that point. Yeah. Terrible.

So what you said now. I put, I put like what, like finger like this in you before. And it feels like I have to shit immediately. You liked it. You liked it. No. It feels like I have to shit now. You didn't feel like you had to shit immediately.

You didn't like it. Please answer my questions. I have so many for you. No. Because one time I had a medical finger in my butt. Honestly, I felt damaged. And it made me have to shit. I was like, wow.

He really was rough with you. Well, he wasn't. I mean, it wasn't rough. Why was it you feel damaged or sore? Because he was too, it was too rough. I mean, I had a lot of thoughts about anal after that. Like, wow. Yeah.

Not, not fun. Tender. I felt tender. I was like, whoo. I mean, I've never had. Now did you, okay. So you said that the finger went in easily. A lot of lube.

So he really. I mean, yeah. When I cleaned up back there, it was gunks. So that's good. Yeah. That was considered of him. Yeah. So it went in easy.

And then you felt when it got deeper. Is it what you're saying? You felt the hook and he kind of hooked it in there. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Started thinking about that pegging class we went to for Nicky Glazer show.

Yeah. Because we did a show, we did Nicky Glazer show. Not safe. Not safe. We went to a pegging class on the show. Yeah. I was thinking about that. Like, man.

And remember how you guys were like fucking these clay models? Yeah. Oh my God. Even those like chapstick size ones. I go, man. I don't know. I didn't, I didn't think of anything feeling. And I know I had a medical procedure.

Yeah. I'm not trying to equate it with that. Right. But I'm just saying it was so tender. I was like, whoo. I, you know, the butthole, it's, it is real tenderoni. Yeah. It's just not for me personally.

You know, I don't condemn anybody that's into it, but. No, no, no. It's real, real tender. Yeah. Okay. So now you took a shit since then. Wait, wait, wait. No, no, but did it hurt to shit?

No, no, it wasn't like that. No, no, no, no, no. Okay. It was just like sensitive. Like, you know. Yeah. Like sore. Like a muscle.

Yeah. Yeah. You know, when the, like those guys used to bang that like, they would just like, oh, rapid fire. Stretch it out. Yeah. And they would rapid fire bang. Like, you gotta be like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Take it easy. You should tell me about those guys. Like, like, you know what I mean? It's called the prison pound. Yeah. You love those, right? Love prison pounding. Yeah.

Especially when you start to dry out. Yeah. Cause like it takes too long and then. Yeah. It just dry, like a dry rub in there. Kind of feels like that. Here's the other part. He goes, well, because of your digestive stuff and we're not sure yet cause you haven't had

the colonoscopy yet and all this and that. I want you to take this kit home. Shit into this plastic cup and then scoop pieces of the shit into these four vials. Dude, I nearly vomited this morning. I also had, um, what's it called? Performance anxiety. I know you did. Now don't you wish you had just done the colonoscopy?

Come on. Next up, brown talk. Brown talk coming up. You've been warned. Yeah. Well, I. Cause then you wouldn't be punished and have to do what you were about to talk about doing. Well, I still have it scheduled.

But I'm saying that had you done it prior, you wouldn't have got, you wouldn't go through what you did today. I guess. You wouldn't have gone through that. That was so disgusting. Let's talk about it. So here's the thing too. I, I felt the, you know, nature calling and I went up there and I sat down with a cup underneath

me and a plastic and a surgeon's glove. But tell them the accoutrements. So you, you have a set of plastic gloves. You've got rubber gloves. Rubber gloves. You've got basically a Dixie cup to shit into paper cup. And then you have several vials. Yes.

And each vial has a lid and the, when you remove the lid, there's a little shovel scooper and it's for you to break up poop and put in there. Like feet. That's what I did to bring his shit to the vet. And there's fluid in three of them and nothing in one of them. So I had two false alarms. Yeah. Cause you're so worked up about it.

Yeah. Cause I also have a busy day. It's not just like, Hey, do this. And then you're done. Cause do this, um, then go to our house we're moving to had to do something there. Come back here, bed, go back there. You talking about that? Yeah.

So there were a deal. It was a lot of stuff. What I'm saying is I, um, man, when I finally got it to come out, it was like, it came out and, you know, in one like one chunk. Yeah. Kind of mushy, kind of stringy. And it was like, in that there was something, I don't know, man. Here's the thing.

I was fucking gagging at like. What's input? Like I've always wanted to kind of pick it apart. See, like, did you see pieces of stuff? Can I tell you something? I realized to, and I've said this before, I can talk about the act of shitting. Yeah. Without it, without a blink, actual shit.

I'm not, I don't have, I can't do it. I'm like, oh right. You've said this before. Yeah. You're really not into it. Oh my God. Dude, you're sitting there right there with a cup of your own feces. I've never done that before.

And you're chopping it up. Oh, and here's the other part because I had to do those things. I then had to put those containers in a sealed bag, in a third bag. Yeah. And keep them in the refrigerator. Cool. Right next to our baby's food. No, I kept it in the drawer.

There's like a special drawer we have under the fridge. Yeah. I put it in there. Yeah. Good. That is so gnarly, dude. So you cut it up, but what was in your poo? I'm asking, did you find things?

I saw stuff. I don't want to bring it up. I'm gagging. I was dry heaving. I had tears running down my face. It was really fucking disgusting. I really, really hated it. I can't even tell you.

Maybe one day when you processed it more, you can tell me what you saw. It was bad. Just know that it was bad. It was gross. Well, I'm going to tell you exactly what causes that kind of fart. Yeah. It was really bad. And God, that sounds terrible.

So I dropped off. I dropped off the art monitor. So they're going to tell me what happened overnight. And then I dropped off a bag of shit. He's thorough. Dr. Dick is thorough. I don't think I've ever heard of anybody having to go through this much stuff. Even on the drop off, he goes, do another urine test because he wanted to make sure

my urine test was up to par. He was like, that's fine. He did brand the test right then. Bananas. Yeah. Good though. That's what you want. That's exactly what you want.

So then, okay. So that's drama. Yeah. So we went to the house and then I took LJ to the doctor today for his checkup and he lost his shit. Did it take blood from his little heel today? No. No.

I had to sing twinkle, twinkle, little star for him to calm him down. That calmed him down. Yeah. My voice is terrible, but it's the only thing that stopped him. It was so cute. Why didn't you sing? I love this song. Such a weird song.

Yeah. I like it. I found a love match for our nanny. So you said... Our Guatemalan nanny. His name is Israel and he works in the parking garage. Yeah. We're a pediatrician.

He's real nice. Yeah. I really liked his energy. I want to set them up. Do you think he... They're both Guatemalan. Yeah. I feel like it's a...

And they're both like super sweet, you know? Yeah. Like I say sarcastic shit to both the nanny and to people like Israel and they're just like blank. Yeah. I'm like, how's it going? I'm like, well, the kids still alive today. Does this sound like him at all?

Do you just remind you of him? Cops are all bald and shit. They're all fucking bald and shit. Fucking cops are fucking bald. Yeah. A little bit. He had a little... Similar.

Same time. No. No. No. This guy was much sweeter. Okay. Like a nice Christian dude. Got fucking cops are fucking bald.

That guy's a genius. How about this? Does this sound like the guy? Right here homie. It's fucking morning. Fucking. Fucking. Got the enemy guys right there homie.

Let me represent myself homie. It's Creeper homie from the GDOP13 gang homie. Son Valley gang homie. Fucking whiner from where? It's our main power gang homie. Still poros urenios putting it down homie. Stupid. That could have been the guy.

That's one of my favorite things of all time. Is that those guys fighting at least? They're gang bangers. I mean, if the setup is true, there's a video. These two dudes are like, you can hear them. They're total LA. Yeah. They're vatos.

Like vatos and, and they're like, I love gang violence so much that they, like it's like a, a hack premise for a joke that they used to say. Remember when they couldn't find bin Laden? All these guys. Man, they should just get sent some Crips and Bloods over there. They'll find them. Shoot them. These guys were like, that's how much we love it.

And killing. Yeah. And then in the video, they go crazy with machine guns. I think it's legit. Yeah. I think that's a real thing. I've always thought it was hilarious, man. Me too.

I like anything with gang bangers. Like Mexican ones. Pretty funny. Puro sureños, you know what I'm saying homie? It's so LA, man. It's so LA homes. Did you see that sketch people were passing around with the cholo fitness? Yeah.

It was pretty funny. I got sent that like 5,000 times. Yeah. Oh jeez. I got sent that a lot too. Anyway, so we have this bed that we, a frame, we should say. The bed is Sotva, which we've had. Do you guys know?

The bed is fine. The mattress is perfect. But we ordered this bed and we got it. It took months to get here. And when it finally did, it was, it started squeaking and we got this bed. It arrived in like June or something. Oh my God. Yeah.

Is that it? Is that our bed? No. But it sounds... Picture, a picture too by the way. You guys know we waited a long, long, long time to get a nice mattress. Which, you know, we got Sotva mattress. Years, yeah.

And we waited a long, long time to get this. This is a really nice bed frame, man. Yeah. Like we spent, you know, decent money on this for sure. We didn't have a bed frame for years. Just a bed, just a mattress. I used to sleep with the mattress on the floor. You know, I know.

And then at one point we got just one step up, which was just... What is it? Just a box frame? Yeah, box frame. Sotva set it up. They're like, do you have a frame? I go, no. Yeah.

And they set up, they left, which is what Sotva gave us. Right. So then when we move, we're like, why don't we get a proper... Like adults. Yeah. Like with a nice headboard, you know? Yeah. And we went to a really nice store and we did it.

We're like, we're buying this really nice bed frame. It's like an investment. By the way, we bought it, let's say in February. Yeah. And they were like, it's going to be delivered March 1st. And then right at the end of February, they go, it's not ready. And we go, oh, okay. Well, you know, it's been a month, but how much longer?

We think in April. Yeah. Oh, another month? Yeah. Then they just didn't call back. Do you remember that? Of course. Please.

And then anyways, then they were like, okay, you know, when we complain where you're getting the bed, the guys came out and set it up and day one, like you lay on the bed. But I think we, a couple of things, we had a newborn baby. Yes. And we also were like, it's new. Like maybe this is like settling in. Yeah. And man, it's, it just, it felt like it got worse.

It got worse. It got way worse. And then I would do any movement and you and I get up to pee in the night, five times between the two of us. So every time one of us gets up, it's like the loudest. It's the night. Yeah. The frame.

That's what you hear at two o'clock in the morning and then the person lays back down. It makes you think, oh, are you talking about a hundred year old bed? No. Three or four month old bed. And they made it. It was one of those like custom bed frames. Like it wasn't just some POS. No.

Anyways, I started to get desperate. You know, when you, when you have the thought of you picture them saying, fuck you, you bought it. Yes. Yes. I used to have, I would have those in my mind. I know. You were really fired up.

Like to a point where I was kind of worried because you already were convinced that they weren't going to fix it. And you were like, you, you call, okay, you call and you deal with it because I'm going to get too angry. And I was like, all right, babe. Like I know when you're fired up about something, I'm like, all right, I'll fucking call them. And they were totally sweet about, yeah, of course, send us a recording of the squeak and then from, it's like protocol for them.

And then we can send somebody out. They sent somebody out within 48 hours. Yeah. But you were on your last, like it was one of those things where you would left town and you're like, could you fix the bed please this week? And I'm like, yeah, sure. On top of everything else that's going on, the kid being sick or, you know, whatever, I'm going to make sure.

So we finally fixed it. Finally. Hi-May came. Was that today? Yeah. Hi-May came. And so what did he say? Why has it been so shitty?

He said the washers were the wrong ones and that certain things weren't done tightly. And, you know, he took, we took the mattress off together, then the box spring and then he just worked with like the core, like the rails and he said, you know, the wrong washers here and tightened everything up. Boom. Yeah. Because I sat on it. It was great.

Oh my God. I know. It's, it's really been disruptive. I think it's been psychological torture. Yeah. It is. It is. Because we wake up every time one of us moves.

Dude, any movement. I mean, you used to be able to move without, you know, so bad. It's so weird that we did wait so long. So long. We just adapted to it. A couple of idiots. It's horrible. Every day.

It is one of those things where as humans, you just, you're so adaptable. Yeah. Yeah. Something goes wrong and then you're like, we'll just live. We'll just live around this misery. We are. And we're really into that. Oh, yeah.

That's the bed that makes noise. Do you realize how long we dealt with that level? I know. I mean, it's really, it's pretty long time. It's like having one phone charger in the house. Half a year we've been sleeping like that. What's wrong with us? Remember when you're like, we can buy multiple phone chargers.

We can have them in every room. Like, oh yeah. It's probably like 10 of them. Why do I suffer? And it's like such an easy fix. Did they, they didn't even charge us to fix the bed, right? No. Yeah.

I gave the guy some scratch though. We're doing such a good job. Yeah. Yeah. I suffer so much sometimes. Yeah. Needlessly. God.

Do you want to hear a crazy accent or see a crazy porn clip that's not hardcore? Sure. Which one? The porn or accent? I mean, you know. All right. I'm 13. I'm a 13 storm.

If there's anyone who has a pair of boards that fight me, and I talk to my competition, get you to my McDonald's, and he'd make arrangements, and we'd fight, and that day would come. One of my favorite things from the top of this is that he's making a challenge video and not lowering the audio in the background. Well, I... You get to hear him. Right. But in any break, you get to hear loud television in the background.

And I think the lighting is from the television. Yes. It looks like, yes. So he just has a TV on in a dark room and rambling, senseless nonsense. I heard him say any man wants to fight me, which is, it's a pretty bold challenge, right? I feel like he and the deck hand guy would be a good match. He might be the Irish version of the deck hand. It might be...

Although I feel like this guy's less of a piece of shit. Even watching somebody make an I'll Fight Anybody video, I still feel like he's less of a piece of shit in the deck hand. He's got his life together a bit more. He has an apartment indoors that we know about. That's true. He does live inside. Yeah.

What's up with his mouth? He needs a... What is it called? The million dollar smile. Why are his teeth like that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He looks really inbred too. Oh boy.

Yo, this kid. Oh boy. He said he's nine and a half stone? Nine and a half stone, yeah. He's missing tons of teeth. He's missing a ton of teeth. I know. I'm trying to absorb it.

I'm trying to understand. I'm trying to do the math on nine and a half stone. Me too. I don't know what it is. Is that minus the teeth weight? God damn it. God damn it. He weighs what?

Jesus fuck. What is it? Nine and a half? Nine and a half stone. I forget what the fucking... You know when you're kilometers, you're forayners. Okay. Nine stone.

What? How could that be right? Nine stone is 126 pounds. So that's right? He would seem to be that much. Nine and a half? I don't know. How much do boys that age weigh?

What is he like 13? So 10 stone is 140. I guess I thought maybe he's like 130 pounds. All right. Man, with that few teeth, that's fucking nuts. That's really nuts. And the chicklets that are left are black. They're not good.

He's just smoking and drinking every day. 13. God. It's really young. This can make me scared to go to Dublin, man. Jesus. Is that where they're at? Is that how your 13 year olds are?

I don't know where he's at. Oh yeah. All they do is they drink, what is it, Guinness? Yeah. Is that Ireland? Yeah, of course. Yeah. I love Guinness.

Of course. When it's fresh, like in the UK, not the bullshit we have here. I like the bullshit here. In the UK, it's even better. It's nothing more. That shit goes down, man. It goes down easy. Yeah.

Yeah. I like that. I like harp lager. That's my jam. Yeah. And the cider strong bow. Hmm. It's a bowl.

Look at me. A strong Zemax. Bowling Macdonald the fucking box. Look at me. I can't eat now. I'm a Macdonald. It's getting all his salt over me. And me brother.

Huh? Huh? What's he saying? And me brother. I heard that part. Yeah. I know you got a brother in the video. What's Duffer, too?

It says it on his sweatshirt. I don't know. The two of us, yeah. It kind of looks like, like a hardcore lesbian woman, right? Yes. Yeah. Like if this person was like, I'm a woman. I'd be like, yeah, all right.

I don't doubt you. Yeah. His pronouns all over the place. Yeah. Maybe that's what's going on. Maybe the teeth are as a part of his trend, like his binary shift. You know, maybe his pronoun is a dental. Dentalzers.

Dentalzers. He could really use a miracle smile. Do you think we could send him one in Ireland? Why does his brother have so many teeth? I don't know. The shipping and handling on that's got to be, you know, because we bought a pair. They haven't arrived yet of the million dollars. Yeah.

The thing itself was about $12. No, $14.99. Yeah. Shipping was $13.99, right? Yeah. Which is about as much as the product. The shipping and handling was a dollar less. Yeah, it was total.

It's a total. Totally ripping poor people off on the shipping. Yeah, and these people don't even have teeth. I know. And they're like, well, pay for the fucking box. I know. I don't know. Look at me.

You haven't got a penny. They didn't buy a cat. They didn't buy a cat. I don't know. Make a long story short. Look at me. I'm finally out of Claude Hill prison. Yeah.

I'm billed as a bullet. Look at that. Look at that. A strong as a mox. Bought him a dental box. Oh, no. We got a close-up of that. Close-up of those teeth.

They're all rotten. Wow, man. Oh, no. They're missing in black and brown. He's so young. He's too young for that. Was he in prison? It sounds like.

My ears aren't working so good today. I mean, normally this just flows out of me. Something about being in prison. I feel like this is his version of, you know what I'm saying? He's like, listen to me. Look at me. Listen to me. Look at me.

Oh, my fucking God, dude. He's annoying me like the retard fucking redneck guy. Yeah. Look at me. Look at me. Look at me. Look at me. Look at me.

Look at me. Look at me. Look at me. Look at me. Now look at me. Now listen to me. Look at me. Look at me.

That blue band redeemed himself. Yeah, that was funny. That was funny. Damn. Good job, blue band. Oh, God. Jesus. A bummer.

Yeah. Jeez. Yeah, it was. This would cheer you up. Right. Oh honey. In Brazil you tied him with your Spanishacilaughs. Let me tell you what happened yesterday.

Brian, I know you had sex with your dog. How did that happen? Oh, man. Yeah. Okay. If I had, if you had sex, that would have been worse. I want to talk to heute. You can talk to me.

Oh, that was episode. All right. Thank you very much. You're welcome. Thank you for that EV. You're welcome. Now if youowa, where's your scenery? Here.

We're very grateful for that. Oh, I was born in Brazil. Stop you screwed up. I run in Brazil. Oh, they know where I run. Yeah. You run in Brazil. That's incredible.

There's something for everybody isn't there. This puppet has sex. Is that Aliyah? It looks like Aliyah, doesn't it? Oh my God. No, that's not Aliyah. It's so disrespectful. Does this love pop and try again?

Is that her? Hmm? Maybe if she don't. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like that? Yeah.

Try again. Try again. So she, then he has a puppet painter. She just has sex with the puppet. How is she going to have sex with a puppet though? I mean. Does he have a dildo there? Oh God.

Why am I asking? She just rides it. Like it's a real thing. Can you climb down? I want to know. I want to know. That's what you got. I'm going to climb down.

Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Use your core muscles. That's the state. Don't go too close. It's the state community, right?

Yeah. Like a cow with those. It's that. It's like a cow with the owning fears. Right? Yeah. There's got to be better. What a crazy band.

Somebody wrote in like Hanson's three boys. I thought Hanson was two boys. I also said one direction. Isn't that four or it was four? A bunch of people wrote in about the PSA already. Sending in new links. They're like, dude, those aren't even hardcore. Those are more hardcore?

Are we going to see them? Oh, yeah. I mean, all right. Here, let's see. God. I love when they go, like this one came in right now. This is for Tommy Buntz. I know he'll get a kick out of it.

No link. Yeah. Yeah, it happens. Yeah. Yeah. Forget. Get excited. Click send.

Okay. What's this one here? Doing a real good job on your picture. Coffee. Please. I'd like some more too. She spilled my coffee. I'm sorry, sir.

You fucking bitch. Bring a little coffee. How do you like that? You wouldn't get away with it here. You shouldn't get away with it at home. That is not a cool PSA. Country was that. That was in America.

Thanks, Sean. Thanks, dude. It was a real fucking bummer. Whoa. That was terrible. They aired that? You fucking bitch. Oh, yeah.

It's definitely not America then. Yeah. But he had an American accent. It's got to be Canadian. No. What'd he be like? You wouldn't do this egg? Yeah.

Don't hit your waitress, huh? That one's real crazy. I guess, you know what? Maybe it is Canadian. Yeah, it is Canada. They actually give a shit about people and things like this. Right. I'm the sous chef.

I'm the sous chef here. With any luck, I should be head chef by next year. I've got this amazing fiance who I won't be marrying this weekend because I'm about to be in a terrible accident. But really, I should have cleaned up the grease over there and they should never put the deep fryers. So cool. Somebody help me.

Wow, man. Canada's not fucking around. No. No. No. I think you're definitely right about that. Wow. That was terrifying.

They could have prevented that. She was a nice young lady. Yeah, that was pretty terrible. But you fucking bitch and he beat the shit out of her for the movie. Yeah, that's cool. No, that's just like, I've never, I would never. You've never done that to a waitress? Fuck, man.

You've wanted to do that to a waitress. No, come on. They have a... I'm a little... You mentioned retard porn. Did I? I don't know if I did. That's what it says.

And like this guy is like raking something. Sure, being a groundskeeper for the frat houses can be a pain in the ass, but there are a few things that keep me here. One is that nobody fucks with me. The powers to be let me do my own thing as long as the yards are kept up and there are no problems. The other should be obvious. There is more barely legal twat on campus than anywhere else in the city.

And God, I enjoy looking at fresh young snatch. This particular house was put on my list last month and this was the first time I had a chance to work here. I don't need to hear the narrative. I'm good. I'm good. I can't believe this. That guy is not retarded.

I'm a fucking retard. What an insult. There you go. That's funny. Yeah. So he's pretending to be retarded. Is that her little... I understand.

Very sure. Don't put me in my house. Sure. Are you handy cat? No, ma'am. I can carry anything. I couldn't help but wonder why this de-cunt was talking to me like a moron. I understand.

My name is Christie. I can't believe this dumb cunt thinks I'm a fucking retard. What an insult because I started a little as no reason to think that I'm an idiot. Man, I'm going straight in this dumb cunt out. Then I remembered that I was wearing a shirt that had writing on the front, special Olympiads. Before I could say a word, she hugs me. My dick instantly got hard. I thought you'd feel it.

I thought of playing a retard. Was it going to get me laid? I'm all for it. This is really good research. My name is Christie. What's your name? Billy. I'll be back in a half an hour.

Now we're okay, Billy? Yes, it's pretty good. It's pretty funny. It's quite the setup, too. I appreciate that. I do, too. So many quick to the right to the action, but this is... Build some humor and excitement around it.

It's a story. Really get into it. Labyrinth story. It's pretty good. Should we keep going or no? I feel like I know where it's going. I don't understand how you know where it's going. I haven't even watched it yet.

Where is it going? I think the more... Do you think he'll stay retarded for the sex? Yes. What's the tagline to the porn scene, though? Hold on, hold on. So he finishes and he goes... BAM!

I don't know how. Okay, I'll get going. What's his finish? Oh, his finish. I'm not retarded. Yeah, I'm not retarded. Who's retarded now? He's so aggressive in this VO.

He's like dumb cunt. It's like revenge. She's really not pretty. You're slow now. It's not attractive. What are they doing? Can you describe it? I'm not watching it.

He's alone. He's jerking off. Well, I figured the trick was not that too embarrassed at all. So I looked at her real stupid-like and kept on jacking off. She'd be hurt. See, he's... Should I make it feel better? Can I tell her to keep quiet now?

Uh-huh. Yeah, so she's being nice to him. I figured I'd better make my plan now. She was looking at my cock like it was her last meal. So I took her hand and grinned half. This is so fucking long, right? Oh. All right.

Get to it. Yeah, now you can hear the music. They're doing it. Retard style? Well, not retarded yet. He's really munching on her stuff. But I kind of want to see what you wanted to see. The grand finale.

And also, I wanted to see if he was going to be retarded the whole time. Right. Or is he going to tell her the truth? Yeah. He got hierarchyed in you, bitch. Yeah. Ah. That's what I call retard.

There's got to be a finale. You know. Oh. Here we go. I think we're getting close. Finish? Yeah. Big retarded finale.

The big fake retarded finale. It's a really underwhelming performance, by the way. Really? Yeah. What's going on? Just two people barely, like missionary, but barely really moving. You know? Is it softcore?

No. No. No. No, it's not. But it's like real bland. Okay. Here you go. Here you go.

That's the line. Yeah. No. He's retarded now. There you go. No line? Nothing. They didn't even think this through.

Here we go. That's got a lot of acne. They really missed out a golden opportunity here on the punchline. Nothing. I was starting to get a little worried when she was putting on her clothing. She was getting real quiet. I was beginning to think that maybe the jig was up and she was pissed. I figured, what the hell?

That pussy was definitely worth whatever trouble I got. No, Billy, you gotta promise me that you won't tell anyone. Huh? Christie can get in a lot of trouble for taking advantage of a special person. Okay, Miss Christie. I promise. Oh, damn. Yeah, they could have really...

That was it? That was such a... I was laughing at that. He just got one over on the slow girl. Man, he should have been like... I'm not retarded. You dumb bitch. You stupid bitch.

Yeah, yeah. What? Yeah. You fucked to pretend retarded. Oh my God. And somebody else... We got a lot of emails about this. This is my fault, but I'm sorry if the...

If us dumping the back catalog ruined your data plan and your storage. Sorry, guys. We explained in the last episode, but then we got so much... We just did it to be nice. We wanted to give out the entire back catalog to you guys. Because we get asked a lot for it. Yeah. And we always are like, oh, one day, the other day, we just said, let's just do it.

And I insisted. And then... I mean, people have been writing a lot like, oh, thank you, thank you, thank you. We wanted to find these, but I definitely got a bunch of like, what in the fuck? Like my phone shut off. Anyways, really sorry if it, you know, fucked up your storage and everything. But hope you do like having access to all the back catalogs. In eight hours, we had over 1.5 million downloads.

It's crazy. Yeah. Because we done that like once before a million years ago. And it was way before the show took off. Yeah. And it didn't have this impact. So we did not know. I didn't know what was going to happen.

Anyways, people wrote more farts, please. This email just came in from Mason. Okay. I'm a long time mommy recently looking through your mama's, so I decided to listen to episode 193 with cousin Jeanette. I'm glad you mentioned that. Undoubtedly, one of your finest mama's so it had an epiphany. As I was listening, I had an epiphany.

Where have all the farts gone? I listened every week and did not notice until now. There's been a real fart drought at your mom's house. I do not know what the reasoning behind this is, but I think I speak for a lot of mommies when I say, come on, you guys, show me how those big tits fart. With that being said, I still love the show. Immensely adore the main mommies, but seriously, more farts, please. You got it.

Mason from Charlotte. I saw Tom on the 15th. Now, does he mean that we aren't farting or that we don't play enough farts? I think it's a combination of the two, just that it's really been a fart decline. Now, we'll say the reason that our farts tapered off is because our microphones, we used to hold them in our hands and then we upgraded the studio. Now we do these and it's really hard to fart into these microphones because there's an arm. Oh, what is that?

What is that? And you'd have to... Oh, jeez. I think you're... Whoa. All right. Here we're good. I think you're answering the question for them, though.

What do you mean? Get fart mics. Just put mics on stands. That's a really good... And we can get them professional grade like these? Yeah. And then what happens is you mute them and I let you know, like, that's your fart mic. Whatever you have when you just unmute it.

It's a really good idea. I mean, it really... And guess what? As we're talking about this... Sure. As we're having this conversation, the king has returned... No. From his long browncation...

No. And surprisingly enough, he's still ripping some damn farts. Wow. Well, look, can we see it? Can we see it? I mean... Look, he's back. Oh, thank God.

Our great leader. He's got an apartment. Yeah, he moved. There he is. Whoa. He's still doing his thing, stuff like that. Stuff like that. Yeah.

Wow. Wow. Yeah. Sorry. You know, I feel like it's been so long. It feels like the first time, you know? Yeah. Nice hole there.

Oh, Jesus. Oh. Man, I missed him so much. Now, this is an upgrade because when we... More king farts around apartment. That's the title of the video. Of course. The first time we found him, he was in this parent's basement.

Yeah. And now he's got his own place, which is great. There's been other kitchens and other rooms, though. I feel like he's moved. Maybe he's the kind of guy that can't hold down a job long and therefore moves a lot, you know? No. Kind of feels like that to me.

Surely not. Really farting a lot. I like the hole. Yeah, that looks good. Ooh, that felt like that could go wrong. That could go south real quick. His guts shrink. See?

You see the thumb go up as he's doing it? Yeah, the thumb goes up is my favorite. What do you think the doctor would say to him? Hey, I was just thinking that he would have to go through his shit with his own hands. Now, a lot of people over the years have written to us and say that ass rippers are fraud and that he'll pump his rectum full of air.

Yeah. I don't see how that's... How can you fart for five whole consecutive minutes? There are no edits. There are edits. Oh, and this one there is? A lot of them are. I mean, I'm watching right now and it's like...

But that's like three farts in a row. Let's see. Okay, let's see. Smell it. Okay, so that's an edit. Okay, yeah, you're right. That's like the third or fourth. But you think he's a fraud?

I don't know, man. I mean, he's dedicated to the game for sure. That's a really impressive fart. That's one fart. That was one fart. Sounds like... I mean, that is a lot of air coming out, so... Yeah.

Something has... Well, I mean, you either have to be consuming constantly to keep that out, which he likes to consume. He's a gluttonous slob or whatever. Yeah. Hairy and gross. Gluttonous slob, yeah. Yeah.

You know, he is the only, the only person who has not come on your mom's house after us pursuing him. He did give a shout out to us, though. He did? No, he didn't say it. If you... When he had his YouTube channel, he said, it said in the video description, shout out to your mom's house.

Oh, cool. So he gave us some props. It was a tip of the cap. A tip of the... A tip of the panty. That was the most he would do. He did not want any exposure. It's so interesting.

And I... We even went on Logan. Very rare. Yeah. And we talked about him and they were... Yeah. We did a profile, basically. I know.

And showed Joe and even with all that, after we got back from that, we're like, now let's try to get... And he was unresponsive. We asked people that... We found out his contact info because it was post, I think, on Live League. We offered him money. Yeah. We offered him money.

Hey, dude, we'll pay you, whatever. I fart because I love it. Yeah. The love of the game. Yeah, it really is. He can't be bought. He doesn't want the glory. That's how...

He's a purist. Don't you respect him for that? He's a purist. He doesn't show his face as much anymore. If you'll notice, it's just the panties and the... No, he still shows it. He turns back and... Yeah, but it's not really now.

Look. Oh, but look what's coming up here, though. I love it, guys. Your favorite. I love it. There you go. Look how brown that is. Oh, my God.

The thumb up is my favorite. It's the best. It is the best. Yeah. Yeah, this makes me so happy. It's like this is going well. Yeah. And he used to do the double thumbs up on a really great one.

It was snappy. Oh, that's a good one. I got to tell you, that looks familiar to me. I think this might be old footage. No. These might be old farts. No. Yeah.

No. No. I don't recognize this room. What's on the walls? What do you think that is? Those are band posters. Weird. That doesn't fit him.

Is maybe it's a friend's house. What's this? I love that one, like the koi on my stomach one. Oopsies. Yeah. Yeah. Very gross. Oh, there he is.

More farts around my apartment. Thumbs up if you want more apartment farts. Let's see. Of course we want more apartment farts. Yeah. What kind of dumb question is that, man? Just do it. Just give us what the people want.

He's a construction worker. How do you know? He says it on the site. On what site? On YouTube, on his profile. It says, my gluttony has become a hobby of mine. I work as a construction worker and I keep my gluttony a secret from my fam. Oh.

I'm gaining for all my subscribers and love scarfing down tons of fattening and large gross food and garbage to pack in my growing hairy beer gut. My goal is to reach 300 pounds with the help of my fans. Okay. So that makes sense. He wants to remain anonymous. He's never written that much before though. No, it doesn't sound like him.

The thing about him is he does have this Banksy quality where, because he's been kicked off of YouTube and Live League so many times, that I always wonder if somebody is just repurposing the videos. I think so. Ripping them and then saying that they're him. He's so mysterious. I know. See that writing that you just read, that's not his ass ripper voice.

It's just not him. I don't believe it. And then this is good, like this is more advanced editing. Yes. Wow. There's an effect. Yes. This isn't his stuff.

On the video. There's an edit to this. You know what? And it's, this is like a flashback. The way that they're editing it. Yeah. Yeah. This is, this is an homage.

This is not him. This is an homage. That's a really advanced editing for him. Yeah. This isn't him. Six fucking corn dogs, all drenched in fucking mayonnaise and smashing it with some beer. Oh yeah. The audio is right, but the visual.

I'm drenched in these babies with fucking loads of mayonnaise. Yeah. It doesn't feel like it's too advanced, you know. I remember he did this thing that was really gross where he used to sit on food. I know. I didn't like that. Fart on it and then eat it. Yeah.

That was like really, really intense. Now this, look, according to this one. He would fart on like eggs and eat them. It was so gross. Yeah. So gnarly. Quietly farting around my apartment is the name of one. Quietly.

That does look recent though. Let's see. Higher quality video. New panties. Yeah. I don't know, man. This one's new. I am fascinated by him.

Of course. He's the most intriguing person from your mom's house. That's real low quality. Yeah. This is new. This is a new apartment. I believe that he works construction. Yeah.

On the ladder. This is all new. Yeah. Climbing the ladder. I like his setups. That's my favorite. The storylines. He's a lunatic, man.

Yeah. I love it. Yeah. Oh, wow. That's funny that that came back as we read the other email. That wasn't a setup, man. Isn't that serendipitous? Yeah.

Isn't that interesting how the universe wants you to hear those farts? Mm-hmm. Really does. Where are the farts? Here they are. Ask and you shall receive. I got a pack. Yeah.

I know. I'm so tired. We were up so early with LJ. Yeah. He was up in the crack of dawn. All right. Let's go. I'm going to eat some turkey sausage.

All right. I'm going to go to bed. All right. Thanks for listening, guys. We love you, mommies. Your mom's house podcast. Dot com. See you when I see you.

Smell you later. Smell you later, twins. You know what I'm saying? Honestly, yeah. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Like this. You know what I'm saying?

My mom lost. You know what I'm saying? By that same French excellence. You know what I'm saying, right. With the mayor, you know what I'm sayin'? Yeah. With the best mayor.

You know what I'm sayin'? You know what I'm sayin'? Forlop the public's door. You know what I'm sayin'? You know what I'm sayin'? You know what I'm sayin'? Like this, like that. To anyone understand that.