Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 392-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: April 19, 2017

Not everyone can read the future by touching their worn panties, but this is Your Mom's House and we found someone that can.  Plus, never before heard audio of your two favorite mom's making love. Is this real?  We have Master Of Accents, a man throwing up that REALLY upsets Tina and Top Dog and Charo on the phone. Is there anything boring in this episode? Yup, we got some of that for you too.  JEAN forever. 

Right as I was about to upload this episode, I got a call and I need to announce that I've added a show in Houston this weekend at the Houston Improv. I added a show Sunday at 5.30 p.m. So if you didn't get tickets to the earlier shows Friday or Saturday, you can now get tickets to the Sunday 5.30 p.m. show, the matinee, if you will. I think later in the episode, I did dates, but I forgot to mention Eugene Oregon is May 12th. I added another show in Portland. I'm coming back May 13th. The first show sold out, so there is a second show in Portland on the 13th. I think I got the rest of them. I may have left off Hampton Beach. I'm doing that, and I added another show, I think, coming Delaware. Just go to TomSugar.com this Friday. Everything should be on sale by Friday. And of course, Australia. I'm

coming in August. Get your tickets. All right, here it is. Next up, Brown Dog. You've been warned. Next up, Brown Dog. I had to go. Next up, Brown Dog. I had to go. Next up, Brown Dog. Next up, Brown Dog. I had to go. Next up, Brown Dog. I had to go.

Next up, Brown Dog. Next up, Brown Dog. I have to go. Hey, would you be a billa, would you be a billa, billa? Oh my god, you guys are so disgusting. Next up, Brown Dog. Next up, Brown Dog. This hoes man.

This hoes man. This hoes man. Everybody got you done at the Orlando airport. Everybody got you done. Every stall is full. Everybody got you done. If you're at the Orlando airport. Everybody got you done.

Always use the handicaps stall. Always, always, always. Everybody got you done. Take it down, take it down. Everybody got you done. In between the slider and the fly. Everybody got you done. Take it down, take it down.

Everybody got you done. Everybody got you done. Oh my god, you guys are so disgusting. Next up, Brown Dog. Next up, Brown Dog. Next up, Brown Dog. This hoes man. Next up, Brown Dog.

Everybody got you done. Everybody got you done. Everybody got you done. This hoes man. Everybody got you done. This is something we do 800 to 1,000 times a year, right? Right. Alright, that was gaping dad.

I'm really impressed with his work, Lee. He's really, really sending some hits and got a bunch of other songs. Maybe we can go through some of them. I forgot that funny clip. Hey, what you doing homie? Taking a shit. Taking a shit, homie.

And every time I hear Jane do that, oh my god, you guys are so disgusting. It makes me smile every time. Yeah, it's so her. Oh my god, you guys are so disgusting. She really, really, that's really authentic. Yeah, she really hates it. What an appropriate song for today's episode too.

Cause we're both, we're in it. No, no, no. Not both of us. I'm, I've just had normal bowel movements today. You're the one that we need to really go back and do an autopsy and figure out what's going on here. It's not good. Well, let's, let's go through it.

Um, okay. Well, let's, um, Oh my god. You guys are so disgusting. That's genuine contempt. Yeah, she's not. Can't fake that. Oh my god.

Seriously. Um, Oh my god. Seriously. Yeah. There's, there's a lot going on. Well, why don't we do our proper show open? Yeah.

Now we can get into all of it. What you doing homie? What you doing? What you doing homie? Taking a shit homie. Let's do this. There we go. That'll be helping me with this.

Um, reading. They're nice and sheer. Um, They're ready. Um, Let's see here. I'm ready to be read.

Here we go. Well, Maybe I just turn up the, Oh, there we go. Okay. Now we can get a reading out of this. Ah, This is big time.

Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Your mom in the fucking stand. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura. Tom Segura. And Christina.

Christina. Christina. Christina. Christina. Welcome to your mom's house. Oh, Okay. Uh,

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Um, Um, Um, Um, I can say dude, Anyway, go ahead. I forget. I'll remember. Have this long one. It's a sheer aquamarine, Um,

CK phone. And it's a part of that resurrected collection that I mentioned a few weeks back. That was sent back to me for re-ambification. For re-ambification. That is nasty as hell. So somebody bought her panties. I got it.

And like the nineties and then they're like, could you re nasty these? Yeah. Isn't it nuts too that somebody makes their living doing this? I think it's the most ingenious thing I've ever seen. Have this long one. It's a sheer aquamarine. I mean, Um, If you're a woman with a little education or means to create a living for yourself,

that's probably the best way to do it. Well, you got to be so gender specific. Why can't a guy do it? I'm sure there are dudes that are like, I love a guy's filthy, Of course there are. But stained. Of course. Ass smears. That's what I'm saying.

Don't cut us out. I'm not cutting you out of the picture. I'm just saying that vaginal discharges. That's, that's all. Well, yeah, but I'm saying. Proprietary is what I'm saying. Of course we were talking about vaginal, but I'm saying, you know, You can't, you can't compete with vaginal juices is what I'm saying.

Right. But we got all the dick juice. You can, oh, it's not hot. Does it create, does it come out throughout the day though? Does it change with your cycles? Probably not like that. But I mean, you can get, you know, you can get a little pre-come. That's an interesting point too.

And you can also get a little yellow because my stepfather, I remember my mother would wash his boxers and she would point out that there was yellow and brown. Oh yeah. Brown stains. Yeah. So there's, you can yellow. You can yellow for sure.

You can get some yellow. Do you yellow on yours? I normally wear, I'm sure. I normally have on black or gray boxers. Right. So we don't know. I'm going to switch you to white boxers. White only across the board.

And I'm going to start evaluating what you're creating. I might not want to do that. I might not want to do that. I kind of, I kind of want to. Let's send it to Amber. She can ambrification it. There we go. That'll be helping me with this little reading.

They're nice and sheer. You betty. Oh, let's see here. Oh, bitch. There we go. Maybe I just turn up the. You better get your life. Okay.

Now we can get a reading out of this. God. Damn. Well, first of all, I mean, look, I'm not a doctor, but if you're, what's coming out of you, coming out of your front is brownish and tint. Yeah. You got an infection.

Yeah. Normal. That coloring. You sure about that? Well, I mean, I'm pretty sure. Yeah. It shouldn't, it shouldn't be brown. Yeah.

I mean, unless it's period stuff, but. Could be a bad bite. Could be a bad bite. She got burnt. She got burnt by gonorrhea. I mean, if it's not a period thing, I'd be very concerned. But I don't know. Maybe Amber is menstruating.

I don't know. And we're going to find out. So there's a little bit of an overlapping right there of two different colors, kind of a melding. And what that suggests is that I'm going to get a massage today. And then I'm going to be giving somebody else a massage. So like that. What?

A little bit of an exchange going on. The two overlapping colors tell her that there's a massage in her future. That's what she's saying. Well, it's really not fair because she knows what she's going to be doing today. It's really not. How much of a prediction is that? You can't do a psychic reading on yourself. And then I'm touching this.

Right. I'm going to have a doctor's appointment at four. Right. I mean, you know what you're doing today. So if she could read my panties and be accurate, then I'd really be surprised. Let's see if she goes any further. Up or it's actually down because I have these upside down. Fading onto the back portion of the phone right there.

God, this is amazing. It's a color which indicates that I will be federal today. Yay. Somebody's going to cook for me. Now, is that planned or does she really read in the future? Well, that's what's problematic about this clip, Tom, is I feel like we don't know if this is really accurate and we don't know if this is truly a psychic thing. I wonder if she's going to wash that hand after this.

It's her own. It's fine. Like you wash your hands after you touch her own. Of course. You never do. Please. You never wash your hands. I've seldom seen you and what you call hand washing is piss poor.

I mean, oh, I've seen you. You, you run cold water. First of all, everybody knows you have to use hot water, hot as possible and steaming. You do use coal while you flip it on. And then you, this is the stream. You just flick your, the tips of your fingers under it like this. And then you do like half a pompous soap and then you kind of swishle it in your fingertips. That's like a pee.

That's like a pee wash. Right. But if it's a brown wash, it's different. Walk me through it. Go ahead. Brown. I go hot water, two hands. You know, thorough.

How long? I don't know, man. At least five cents a second. You're supposed to scrub the backs of your hands as well for a thorough. I'm not going on a surgery. I'm just going to wash my hand. You want to get another cold? No.

You want to get a flu? No. Wash the back of your fucking hands. All right. Maybe I will. Now let's see here. Back up to the top right there. God damn dude.

I thought we were done. Interesting little amber vacation going almost on to the sheer part of Panty right there. And what that suggests is that I am going to take the most divine bath and the most divine outdoor tub. Wow. This chick's got a great life, I have to say. Yeah. It is a pretty good deal.

She's got a massage lined up. She's got a, someone's going to cook dinner for her and she's going to be in the hot tub. Bath tub. Yeah. Is that mentally ill? No. I think she's mentally stoned. Just high.

High. High and she thought that would be funny and then, you know, when you get stoned, you think something's going to be funny and then you try it later and you're like, ah, it's not funny. It was a high thought. It could have been a hot thought. But hey, for effort, you know, you got to put it out there. You got to try.

Yeah. So. Well. Ambrification. Ambrification. That's like a Braxton word. There's a lot going on yesterday. Some of you might know was my Smurf day.

And Easter. Happy birthday to you. And. Don't make yourself equal with the G. Why? Because G is G and T is T. Happy birthday to you. To T.

G and T. Have a birthday to T. You're such a fucking. Yeah. And so we had a nice little party at the house. We barbecued. We had Cousin Bri Bri over and you know, Cousin Yannette and my dad and babies and doggies and.

It was fun. I got. I'll listen to you. Yann, as you talk about how much fun we had. Just tired. I'm always tired. Me too. It was a, it was a fun time.

The weekend I had a blast. I was in San Jose meat rattle in Portland, Oregon. Bri and I approve of one of those cities. Why? Why? In California. Oh, right. It's still not LA, but at least it's in the right state.

Right, right. Of course, the super elitist that you are. But I do enjoy Seattle and Portland. Yeah. Meat rattle in Portland. Those are fantastic cities. Yeah. I had a great time.

The shows were a lot of fun. And actually for two of the cities, meat rattle in Portland, my cousin Bri Bri joined me. It's adorable. Yeah. So for those of you that don't know, Bri Bri and I, you know, we grew up together. We were next door neighbors for the first nine years of our lives. And now we both live in LA. We both have babies around, around the same age too.

Around the same age. Yeah. Which is cool. So it was fun just to hang out and, you know, we had meals and just, he just hung out backstage and, you know, Enjoyed the life. The showbiz life. Showbiz baby.

Yeah. So you came home and then so let, so we had our barbecue. And now today I made spaghetti squash. Like I got it from Whole Farts. Yeah. And I put some sausage in there. I mean, my sinuses are all fucked up this morning. Yeah.

I've been blowing boogers that are like neon yellow. I was terrified by the way of Monday. We did this show Monday last week. Yeah. And we were both really sick. I was super legit scared that I was going to have the upcoming weekend because of how I felt. Oh yeah.

I was like thinking, I mean, there's no way I can do this. Life wrecker. Yeah. My God. There's no way I can do six shows in three cities like this. No. And I got some meds. And thank God I got through.

Now did you take antibiotics? I did. See that's why, oh, well that's why you're not, because it's day 11 and I'm still sick. I'm still congested. My snot has changed color. It's a bright yellow. Yeah. You don't, you're not as, you know.

I'm fucked. I got to go to the doctor and get those antibiotics, man. I think this is, this is evil what's inside of me. The kid's fine though. Yeah. He's better. It's just you. Even though I have AIDS.

No, I'm fine. You. Yeah. I got to go get it. Yeah. Tomorrow I'm going to go. So then I made spaghetti squash and I don't feel like eating anything. I got to tell you, this has been like a week long for me where like farts and dumps have

just been bad and sour. Well, you've been in three different cities in the last weekend. Well, always taking into account different bacteria of the different cities. And I've had meds in me. Yeah. And when I picked up these meds from the pharmacy, the lady was like, have you taken this before? And I go, yeah. And then.

What did you take? It was an antibiotic. Just like penicillin. Not penicillin. Like a variant of it. Yeah. Amoxic. I have to look up what it was, but she's goes, you taking this before and I go, yeah.

And I paid and as I walk away, she goes, you could get diarrhea. And I go, thank you. And I didn't get diarrhea from it, but the next day I started to have like just like rotten farts. Smelling. Yeah. And nothing feels good to eat when you're sitting. I know.

I haven't eaten well in the last 10 days. I don't want to eat anything except melted cheese and crackers. Yeah. I just couldn't find the thing I was looking for. It's like, I just, it was just terrible. I just couldn't really figure it out. And then when we got to Portland, I was going to go to that. Fuck it.

What's it called? Some, I think it has like a Vietnamese name. It's across the street kind of from the salt shake place. It's really popular. Oh, I've been there. I've been there and you, you get like your thing arise, you meet and your veggies. Is that the place? I don't know.

Yeah, dude. I threw my name in. It's like a hole in the wall. Sort of. Anyway, maybe thinking something. Um, anyways, we put our name in and then they're like, it's like 45 minutes. And I was like, no way am I waiting? Get your life.

Let's get your entire fucking life together. Yeah. So we walked down the street and there's like food truck, uh, like park. Yeah. I love that area. And this is beautiful day outside and all the university, right? Don't know. Yeah.

I'm not sure because, but there's probably like 12 trucks in a circle and then like a central area you can hang out afterwards. We're walking through it trying to figure out what we're going to eat. And then BriBri points out to me that there's a burger place and they said you can put your burger on a field of greens. I'm like, perfect. Right. I get some meat, get some fat and get some veggies with it, like, which is how I like

to eat. Right. So I go, I get it. It was okay. I'm going to be honest. It was just okay. You know, it was just one of those places where everybody's like, you gotta eat there. No, well, I wouldn't know because I'm just saying that like we were, we were going to

go to the really popular place and it was so packed. We walked down the street to this food truck, little park. Got you. And then anyways, the places, the whole fucking park is packed. People are, are all over the place there, but I eat that thing and within 30 minutes I'm like, oh man, that didn't settle well. Part of that, I think is I didn't have bread, so I don't want anything absorbing any of the,

And when you're sick, it's kind of like, fuck the diet, just eat whatever you can. Yeah. That is sort of the best philosophy for that. Anyways, I eat it. I have like really rotten farts and dumps. So when did the fart, the rotten farts begin? I would say the D auto, I mean, they all kind of were, were kicking, you know, throughout the week, but that burger

was on Saturday. And that's the first time your farts were really bad. Not just farts. I mean, I just shot you who out of my ass, you know, and Oh, so this problem started back in, on Saturday. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So we're talking, you know, okay. So your guts have been, Yeah. They were just wrecked. So then, Sure. After that, we see we're at the hotel, trying to remember what we ate next. And then, yeah, then we went to the show, I'm not remembering eating something.

I took one of my little pouches, little like keto food pouch, it's like 200 calorie thing I ate just to have something in me a little bit after that. And then I just had, I was drinking tea all week. You know, it's great about tea, by the way. Every time I get sick, I drink 40 cups of tea and I enjoy it. And as soon as I get better, I abandon tea. Yeah. Well, tea is good.

It's comforting when you're, when you have a cold. I know what I'm saying. I like it so much. I'm like, it's like I always, I'm trying to get that. Right. But when I'm healthy, I don't like a hot beverage necessarily like a tea. I like coffee though. I like how coffee makes me feel.

I don't like coffee. You don't like the coffee. Okay. It's like beer. You know, I drink it to get fucked up. I'm not drinking it for the taste. So wait a minute. And then.

Yeah. And then, okay. So I got you a juice from Whole Foods. Well, let's go back to yesterday. We had Brussels sprouts. I made you cauliflower balls. Your favorite. I also had a lot yesterday.

Right. Some meat, some cauliflower ball, some chicken, and then corn from Whole Foods. Yeah. The corn, little corn salad, cupcake, birthday cupcake, cake, little piece of that has a lot of sugar. A lot of sugar. I'm not used to consuming. Now, Yana, Yana, allow me to present to the court my possible findings here.

Okay. I went to Whole Foods this morning and I brought you back a juice. Yes. So let's go to this morning. This morning I had a spinach and egg, no, no, I'm going through all of it. Right, right. I'm having a spinach and egg scramble, which is normal for me. I have it all the time and it does nothing to me.

Right. That is all I've had until you bring me the juice from Whole Foods. Thank you. I drink that. I don't drink all of it. I drink about, let's say, close to half of it, and then you made a, what is that, a spaghetti squash with spaghetti and I got some whole farts, but not real, right? It's zucchini, a squash in noodle form, in noodle form, some whole farts, sausage, dude,

as soon as I took the last bite of that, my insides went, and then I ran to the bathroom, shit, everything out. I had for you. And then 10 minutes later, my stomach's going, just rumbling, man, terrible, terrible. I'm jealous because I'm backed up a little bit. I even went to Korean food on Saturday, hoping to loosen things up for me, but to no avail. I took one shit after that spaghetti squash, but it was a normal one. So you know what I think it is for you?

What? I think it's the juice from Whole Foods, eh? But here's my argument against that. I have that juice sometimes, and I'm okay. Yeah, but you're not listening, so it's the juice and your vegetable intake, which I know you historically, you can't really handle vegetables. Your body like freaks out. I think it might be the spaghetti squash in conjunction with the cauliflower balls from

last night and the juice, the juice, the juice, the juice, the juice, the juice, the juice did it. Juice. Yeah. I don't know. The Smith, the different parts of your underwear. It could be the sugar, but I don't know. Yeah.

But that's where I'm at. So right now, what do I do moving forward for the rest of the day? You have to eat carbs. You know, when you're diary-ing, you have to have like a pasta or something or crackers. You got to. Yeah. Fuck the diet. You know, I had an epiphany though, by the way.

What's that? Korean food on Saturday and I order their spicy sundubu. It's like a tofu soup. And I get it red. Like I like it very spicy. Now are you farting? What are you doing? No, no, no.

I'm just sitting up. Now I had this epiphany because I was eating it and I was thinking to myself, gosh, in my early 20s, I used to, this one I started eating this stuff, I used to get diarrhea every time that I would eat this soup. Like an hour later, I'd be bent over on the toilet in pain. But now I can eat it and it doesn't even like a phase me. You built up a tolerance. Exactly.

Yeah. It took a decade of eating sundubu. Yeah. And now I can eat it in the, in kimchi, I can eat a whole trough of it and like, it doesn't phase me. I went to Korea and I was the only one not to get diarrhea because I was eating that shit. I was going to the malls and eating that hot spicy soup and all the other white girls

couldn't hang. Wow. It took a decade though because that's how long I would shit after I would eat curry in and then one day. You used to get diarrhea when you did, when you started doing stand up too. I had diarrhea for the first seven years of stand up. Isn't that crazy? Yeah.

Violent, just double. When I knew I had to set that night, I would wake up and start shitting and I would shit all day. And then I did the groundlings before that and then the groundlings that was like an all day shit. And then I would shit before the groundlings and then during the class break, remember you had a break? I would shit during the break.

Wow. I mean, I was a nervous wreck for seven years easily. It's incredible. How did, did you get nerves like that for performing or? Not diarrhea, but I remember, I remember the very first time I ever did stand up. I woke up, I had booked a, like, you know, it's a Saturday in a month kind of thing. I was like, all right. The week of I'm thinking about it, you know, it's getting real.

And I remember, you know, I wrote out every single word and I remember the night before, you know, really thinking about it, right? Reading and writing it over and being like, Oh my God, you know, I have this tomorrow. And the next morning, this is like when I'm obviously a single, I have nothing to do on a Saturday. I snap out of bed at 530 in the morning. Like I, I wake up in a panic. Yeah.

I'm like, I'm doing stand up. Cold sweat. Yeah. Like that nervous. Yeah. And I remember having, you know, for me, it was like, I can't eat. Oh yeah. That too.

I couldn't eat. I would eat like protein bars, but I would still shit. I couldn't eat the night of the show. I might have eaten like a granola bar. Really? Yeah. I did something. And that's when I smoked cigarettes.

So I would chain smoke all day too. Out of nerves. Yeah. When I think about it, the havoc I wreaked on my immune system on my, my, um, adrenals are just fucking shot from the first 10 years of stand up easily. There was a, I remember the first time that I actually did it to, I've said it before, but I got a, uh, I got, I got booze, you know, and not the first time you did it, the first time.

Yeah. You got booed booze. I was drinking. Oh. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's dangerous.

Oh my God. I was terrified, man. Well, of course. Yeah. You know, I, I had the good fortune. I took an actual stand up comedy class. I can't believe you did that. A million years ago, this is, I think I was in the groundlings and I just wanted to know,

like, oh, what's stand up about. And the teacher said one great thing. He goes, don't get into the habit of drinking or doing drugs before you perform in the beginning because then it's a really hard thing to break later. And I thought, oh, that's, that's good advice. I'm going to try that out because that you really can't, once you get hooked on doing it that way. Yeah.

I remember that, uh, Joe Rogan told me, cause I used to smoke cigarettes around shows. Oh yeah. I'm a big smoker, but I started to get into the ritual of doing it, like smoking before and after. And he was like, well, what if you start like you're in demand more and you, and you need to do shows all the time, like you're working more than you are now. That's just going to make you smoke even more. Like what?

You know what I mean? Like you're, you're making it so that every time you do a set, you're smoking. But what if you even start doing more sets? Yeah. Your, your health is going to show. Yeah. Yeah. So I just started associated too.

And I was like, oh yeah. Yeah. That's, that's the danger. You, you make those, those associations. Definitely. I was 2010. I think. Yeah.

That was the last time I smoked. Yeah. Good. Good gene. Yeah. Smoking is bad. I did something. I don't know if you're going to be very happy with.

Oh God. I hope you don't get upset, but I hope you can find the humor in it. The last time we made love, I hit an audio recorder in the room. Oh, you did? Just audio. Yeah. That's fine. So, you know, we're so close to our audience.

I figured, you know, let's share with them what a love making session. Two married, loving people. Yeah. Okay. So let me. As long as it's not the visual, I don't want people to see how gross we are. They won't see us, but here they're going to hear us. And I hope that.

Okay. I hope I'm not too embarrassed. Yeah. I hope you're okay with it. Let's see here. Let's see what they say. I put music to it so that kind of give it a little extra flavor, you know? Wow.

You're so talented. Yeah. Worship me like our fucking ancestors have worshipped each other before. What do you mean there? You know, it's funny when I get into such a frenzied state with you. I don't know what I'm saying. You said worship me like our ancestors worshipped each other before. Yeah.

Yeah. You were trying to say something more profound almost. Well, I was talking about the Egyptians. I was reading about Tutankhamen. Yeah. And it was just, it's all stream of consciousness. I was meditating earlier. Yeah.

I got smoked a little weed before we did it. Interesting. Right. That was a fun one. I remember that time. Yeah. Your daughter's going to be a better ball worshiper than me. This was a curious to me.

You said your daughter's going to be a better ball worshiper than me. Right. I'm lost. You didn't remember, you don't remember talking about that? If we have a kid. If we have a daughter, would she be a ball worshiper? You don't remember that discussion we had before we made love? Yeah.

Yeah. We were like, who's going to be a better ball worshiper, our son or our daughter? Yeah. It was like, we had that debate. Yeah. No. Now I remember. Yeah.

Okay. Thank you. Your daughter's going to be a better ball worshiper than me. Your daughter's going to be a better ball worshiper than me. Yeah. Wow. That was quite a night. That was quite a night.

You're right. Yeah. That was a night. I'm just embarrassed that you recorded that. I mean, you don't seem that embarrassed, which is, I'm proud of you. You're owning who you are. Well, you know, we're all at different strokes. Same folks.

Same folks. Same strokes. Talk to me. Look at my piece of shit. Talk to me like you're fucking submissive. You remember? Oh God. Give it to me.

Your cunt. Yes. Yes. You talk to me like you talked to your fucking wife. Your fucking wife. Right. Yeah. It's a different fantasy we have.

Yeah. So you were like pretending like you're not my wife. Right. That's what we do. This is crystal that you're being. Now. Oh, I thought this was Trish. You don't really, you're not really saying much here.

Well, I'm so focused on how, on your performance. That's why I was like, wow, like, you know, it's kind of lost in it. So. Yeah. I get, I get carried away. You know, You always, yeah. Ella takes this one glass of Chardonnay and I really loopy.

Yeah. Yeah. Interesting. Like a cunt little fucking whore. Yep. Fuck a hoe when she tells you she wants to get fucked. Like a bitch tells you she wants to get fucked by her fucking man. You fucking fuck a hoe.

Fuck me bitch. I piped up there. Yeah. You weren't really aggressive there. Yeah. But you were coaching me into it. You seemed like you wanted it. Yeah, I did.

Yeah. I was trying to be like, hey, you run this show and you said, like say something. Yeah. Say something stupid. Yeah. And you did. I let you, you know, hear it. Wow.

Sounds like you wanted to hear it. Fuck me bitch. Fuck. It's wide open. Nailed that fucking house. You're not always this local. I gotta tell you, I gotta start selecting the clips from now on. I think we gotta, so far you've been really just hitting the high notes on this show.

I mean, opening with the panty lady. And then the second clip is this. I mean, babe, you really need my help with the show a little more. I should have stepped in this week a bit more. I wasn't feeling well. God, I mean, where do we go from here? What are you talking about? You can't open on this.

I was going to close on this. I was too excited to play it. I found this one myself. This wasn't an art. This was just in your normal repertoire. This was just your weekend with Brian. I'm so proud of you. Obey.

Obey the fucking cap. Oh, God, make the cock feel pleasure. All right. I think I got it. I mean, are we, is there a lot more? There's about another minute and a half. Oh my God, what's going to happen? I feel like I know where it's going.

Of course, you were there. I was thinking about the music. Yeah, it doesn't fit. Does it? Here's what I'm imagining, though. No, it doesn't fit, but there's a couple of guys that play. Right. And one of them is really, like, he really has a passion for music.

Right. And for him, it's like, he's just happy that he has another guy to play with. Like he's like the keyboard. The other guy does guitar or whatever. And the guy that plays the guitar, like he's like the keyboard. The other guy does guitar or whatever.

And the guitar guy sold it to these porn people. And the other guy doesn't know yet. And he goes, hey, man, I actually got someone to license our music. To feature film. What? Fucking awesome. Like I told you all this time it's going to pay off. Like we've been getting together.

We've been getting serious about our music. Yeah. And now you're telling me someone wants it in a movie. Yeah, man. Somebody wants it in their movie. And I just got a little clip of it. You can hear what we did in a movie now. Cheese of bitches who love the fucking ass, too.

Get in there. Get in there. You fucking animal. Run that fucking. Oh, I want to come on that. She seems like a lot. What is it? Is that CSI?

What's that music? Dun dun dun dun dun dun. Dun dun dun dun dun dun. A intent for that. Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dungunudunudundun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun. Yeah. Well, you had that on deck? Yeah.

That's the theme to Dick Detectives. Oh, right. Right. The Dick Detectives. Yeah. That was kind of a failed game for us, only because it was hard to verify... Dicks. The dicks.

You can only really theorize on what somebody's dick looks like, and we just didn't have a lot of verifications. Yeah, but it was fun to guess. Yeah. Maybe we'll play again. In May, we're going to have guests in May. If we can find a guest who'd be willing to show us a picture of his dick. All that to do, though, is just come up, even if they don't verify, they take a stance on

what it looks like. The game still works. Or make a drawing. Yeah, something like that. With crayons. And features. Like we go, it hangs to the left. It smells weird.

It's green. Big balls, little balls, high balls, fat sloppers, hairy. There you go. Yeah. You don't have to play that clip anymore. I'm good. What part of it do you not like anymore? It's a long...

I mean, we did it for so long that night, I didn't realize. I thought you would like it more. I really did. Hearing myself. Yeah. The playback, I'm so embarrassed. I thought you would really like it more. No.

I didn't think you were... Oh, where's your water, Tom? I can't deal with your bullshit every day. Okay, I got it. I mean, I just don't know why, why do I have to have this on my mind? All right, all right, all right. You know, your Zevia was a real hit yesterday at the barbecue. People loved it, especially your father.

I know. He really enjoyed my Zevia. Now, my dad likes shitty sodas, though. He's a fan. Oh, right. Now, you've never said that sentence in your life. Now, you're like, he likes shitty sodas. Well, you know what his favorite one is?

No. Fresca. All right, sounds cool to me. So, Fresca is gross, and of course, he's going to like your gross soda. Yeah, this will hopefully cleanse your palate of my choices so far. This is... Something a little innocent, a little fun. Yeah, a little dad boner clip.

Yeah, okay. Oh, hold on. There we go. Boom, boom. A late 1800s community bottle dump is always a fun dig. Yes, today's trash. It's today's treasure. First of all, the fact that he did a real walk-up, you know,

standing intro for this, like a television guy would. Right. And he had the bottle out of frame. This guy's really committed to his dad boner passions. Yeah, he can't wear shredded clothes on camera. This is what these guys do. They dig at old dump sites for things like bottles, you know? All right, we're just starting to open it up here.

We've got Howard and John shoveling here at Godgoyle Ridge. And you can see the stratification. Got a layer of rust here and then getting into the ash layer. These guys. I mean, how fucking bored do you have to be to think this is interesting? I know. And they're digging in the woods where people dumped bottles 200 years ago. So it's like a landfill, right?

Yeah. And they're like, look at all the trash. There's a layer of trash here. You can see where the ash had other trash. Oh, look at the top. Oh, the cork is stompin' it. Oh, that's crazy. Look at that.

Yeah, that's a nice cod oil. Oh, it is. Yeah. With lime and cod liver oil. Okay, cod liver oil. Scott's Emotion Cod Liver Oil. That's sweet. With lime and soda.

Oh, I love the top. Oh, yeah, me too. Wow. Fucking nerd. Oh, man. A bunch of dorks. Happy birthday to you. To you.

Such dorks. How old are you now? 48. Oh, Providence. We got a blue. Whoa. Yeah. Yeah.

We got a cobar. D. Angelus. D. Angelus. Providence. Oh, that's cool. Oh, no, it's not.

Yeah, I told you we were in someone else's back room. Yeah. Dude, that's real. This guy just jazzed his pants over an old bottle. Yeah. You found a bottle. A fucking trash. This guy's excited about trash.

Now, for the record, this was for you playing this over. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. That's funny. Okay. Thanks, babe.

Yeah. Tom-Tom. All right, let's go to John's here. I got big medicine. It does have a sunken, oh, yeah? It's got a sunken panel. That's that. That's something a little Mast odourilla.

Li-sa-sp탄ish. Yeah. Behold, behold. Behold, behold. Have you have a dog one John? No. This is my first with Sassar on m today. Well, hopefully this one.

You got a cracked one earlier. Let's hope this is a whole one. Looks good. Yeah. All right. Look at that fucking nerd. Wow. I'm really stoked about these bottles, huh?

Yeah. A whole glass bottle. Wow. Yeah. Oh, prominent. Sweet. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, prominent. It's for bottles. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. It's for bottles. For a bottle. God damn. Glass bottle. Was the glass bottle that much better back in the 1800s? I don't know.

They're just fucking dorks. They have nothing to do. Yeah. Yeah. They live in some awful place, you know, like you say. Well, that's a terrible place. Wherever that is, it's definitely not LA. It's not interested.

Not interested. No. No. I mean, I guess it's nice to have hobbies and stuff. I know. I'm kind of jealous of that. By the way, can we bring this up? Hobby wise, I have for many years expressed my interest in aviation and I've taken a flying

lesson. I don't think my eyes can roll back in my head far enough. I've told you I want to continue my pursuit of a pilot's license and your proposal is that we come up with a formula where a certain amount of blowjobs will equal. Yes. Not getting a pilot's license. Exactly. Now, I asked you how many blowjobs would it take for you to lose interest in helicopter

piloting? Yeah. So let's do the math. Let's go. I mean, obviously, I'm congested now, so you know what I mean? Can you have some mercy? Yeah. Well, here's a, okay.

To receive a private pilot license, the FAA requires student pilots have a minimum of 40 hours of flight time. Let's see. So I think we should do something, like some tradeoff for how many blowjobs can you do in an hour? Probably like five. An hour. Oh, come on.

Let's be real. You're 38. You're not 28 or 18. No, no. I'm saying how many could you do? To other people? Like you and? No.

No. I'm saying 40 hours are required. So if you were going to do 40 hours of blowjobs, you could probably give out, you know, 200 blowjobs. I think you should be about 200 blowjobs. But they need to be, you know, obviously, two completion, obviously facials and. Obviously. Yeah.

Why? Obviously, facials. Because you're crushing a dream with these, so it's got to like, you know, fulfill. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not crushing a dream. I'm fulfilling dreams too. Don't forget that.

Yeah. How many blowjobs do you think you could give to like a whole group of people? You give me the number unless negotiate because I don't like this hobby. I don't want you flying. I have a relative that was killed in a, he was a pilot for many, many 30 years and was killed flying. But I mean. So I'm very biased against and don't fucking send me emails, you know, telling me how safe

it is. I had a relative die, so I don't fucking care. I don't care. And he flew for a living. Here's what I'm saying. Blowjobs that you give, I mean, I think it'd be different if I was like, you know, wasn't close to you. Like if I was just like your friend and you're like, I don't want you to fly and you're like,

what if I give you blowjobs? It's like, that's pretty good. Friend. Right. But as your husband, blowjobs are part of the relationship as it is. Yeah. But I'm offering bonus material. And you get it.

Right. But then like how, which blowjobs are like life blowjobs and which are pilot blowjobs? Well, that's what I'm saying. So we, we, I'm saying that the number is going to have to be much higher because there'd be blowjobs anyways. Okay. Because there don't get greedy. Look, you're, you're getting greedy and getting greedy and being honest.

Do you understand what I'm actually trying to say? Yes. You're saying what's the surplus amount versus the regular there you go. Lifestyle amount. That's a legit question. Well, you need to think about it and then we have to come up with some numbers and we'll negotiate. And also in what timeframe will they be in?

Lifetime. Lifetime. Come on. We're married for life. So these are going to be blowjobs and getting in 20 years for the pilot's license. Okay. Fine. Three years.

That's a better answer. Okay. Okay. I think I have a really good proposal for you. No negotiating. How was that? And it's not a, not a proposal then. You're a dictator.

Just do one a week every week for three years. What about sickness, kid things? You get a pass on sickness. One a week for how long? For years. How long? Three years. And you'll never talk about this piloting license again.

I think that's a, you know, I wanted writing. I want our attorney to draft up a legally binding document that for the rest of our marriage, I never fucking hear about pilot license or flying or race car driving. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, anything that can get you killed is not. That was not the honor. That's not part of the negotiation. We're talking about flying only cars are now part of the equation.

Races, but you don't want to race car drive. I'm just saying, like, why, why do you have to have a hobby that can potentially kill you and take away from your son and not, no, that's a silly argument. What do you mean? It's a silly thing that the probability increases with danger. Now flying is one of those things. It's a hobby. You can't equate DJ, DJ dad mouth with flying.

Of course you can. There's Molly. There's Percocets there. Maybe you don't take drugs. You don't know if I'm my DJ gigs. What I do, DJ gigs, you don't know your gigs, yeah, gigging, man. I'm totally gigging, bro. All right, so let's, let's fucking keep talking.

Let's keep the dialogue open. Dialogue is open. I cannot include cars of any kind. God, nobody wants to hear that. Nobody wants to be that's not yellow anymore. God, nobody wants to hear that. I think I want to do it. If you, if you're going to go ahead and blow your nose like that.

What is wrong with her? It was me and me with you. Oh, what was it was in to you that day? I had my Chardonnay, you know, it happens. It's one glass. It's crazy. I mean, I think as long as you're willing to do them, you're willing to up them with costumes and scenarios, role play, et cetera.

And it's fine. Like, you know, you got to do, you got to wear your glasses and you got to say things like, you know, I can't, I can't see when there's no come on my glasses, things like that. Then, you know, I'm willing to negotiate with you. And it's so dumb. You're the worst, you're the worst husband that ever, ever role play. You have a lot of sticky come in those balls.

You got to say that to me every single time. It's a say that to me every time, you don't do it. Hmm? You do it. I will stay out of the sky. What's the answer? I have to, we have to talk more. I can't just agree to it blindly on the fucking. Nice.

All right. You know, it's going to happen if I agree with it on the show, then our listeners are ravenous and they will make meticulous note of everything I say. And then I want to petition. I'll be a legal problem for me or lessons for something that I just remembered. This is something I'm going to ask you and I'm serious. I want you to do this. You have any coming those balls?

I want to see if you have coming your balls. I also, I'm going to ask you if you have not yet to write a review, five stars, obviously, of our show on iTunes. And there's a reason that I'm asking you to do this. If you don't know a lot of on the business side of things, a lot of those people pay attention only to the iTunes charts. And there's a misleading thing about the iTunes charts in that people can rank highly on those iTunes charts who don't necessarily have the most people listening

to their show. And the reason that's important to note is because they then will get the benefit of the presumed bigger show in any number of business conversations. So like I could be talking to, I don't know, I'm just making this up. But like a book agent about a book and, oh, the show is this or that. And then they go, okay, well, so and so did a book. And they're ranked 15th on the iTunes chart. And that was help that helped them with their book.

You guys are 41st, but then I'll find out even just talking to the person ranked whatever on the charts that we have a bigger show. So if you're wondering, well, then why do, you know, why do they get ranked higher? One of the factors in the algorithm for iTunes podcast charts is reviews. And you'll notice that a lot of the consistently higher ranked shows have thousands of reviews. And what I also found out is a lot of shows solicit those. I feel like, you know, I know that when we did our first probably 20 or 40

episodes, we asked you to do that. I'm going to ask you to do it again. Um, I mean, obviously, if you've done it, you've done it, but I'm going to ask again. If you've never listened, if you've never written a review and you have an iTunes account and you don't mind spending a moment writing a review of our show and you can make them as jeans, horrific as you want. I think it would be beneficial to us. So that's what I'm asking you to do.

If it's not too much trouble. Um, I think we could easily, I know how many people listen to the show. We could easily get thousands of more reviews and that would in turn, it's an easy way to benefit the show. So that's my, my pitch on it. And I hope you'll consider doing it. Now, how many blowjobs will you give the audience for that? There's no way I can do that.

There's no way. What do you mean? It's a, it's possible. How's it possible? Anything's possible. You can set up a blowjob tour. The Thompson girl, I'll suck it for reviews and then everyone gets in a line. Why would you put me in that position?

You rents out an auditorium and you just give blowjob after blowjob. You know how, how exhausting that would be and how sick I would probably get. Just blowing all of our fans who wrote an iTunes review. Yeah. It's already. How sick would you get really sick from what? Well, I mean, all these different dicks than smells and, and, and jizz. So many different smells and stuff.

God. And just all of them. How many could you do in one day though? I don't know. Let's be realistic. You're more of the expert in this field. I mean, it depends on how fast people are, you know, just because you suggest every three minutes.

Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. I tell you, fucking work your women. Oh God. That's what I'm saying. What's in it for them? You know?

Well, they're blowjob from Tom Segura. I'm just suggesting it's a horrible idea. I can't believe you would sell me out like that. You know, it's interesting. The iTunes ranking, you're right, because it also only goes by, I'm assuming in part by the downloads on iTunes, their, their thing. But that's not how it works. The downloads are also through Stitcher, through streaming.

It's a complicated thing. Yeah. Android, whatever the fuck people are on, it's not the only platform in town. So yeah, well, it's just, it's so weird. It's not just downloads. Now, if you have like an incredible amount of downloads, like if you have tens of millions, like Joe or like, you know, a serial, yes, you'll stay at number one, two or three, because you have the overwhelming downloads.

But I'm telling you, there are people that have a third of our downloads that are ranked higher than us. So I was like, that's, that's not fair that the, uh, I would only matters. It's not an ego thing where I'm like, I just want to be ranked higher. It only matters when people start giving consideration to that as if it's a bigger show, right? That's when it matters. So anyways,

it's a weird system. I'm curious to know how they, I found out I've never fucking heard of, like we're in the world of podcasts. So you kind of know what's out there and I'll look at those and I'll be like, dude, who? Well, there's also this thing where they give benefits to also to new shows. Yes, they give them. Yes.

So that, and that was done. That's, that's by design to give a new show opportunity boost. Yeah. Which, I mean, I understand that for sure. This is just, this is too much fun. We're having too much fun right now. This graphic shows how airflow travels and heat is transferred inside an angle to bed regenerative thermal oxidizer.

Oh my God. Here, process gases are pushed into the inlet main fold of the RTO via a system fan. These volatile organic compounds and hazardous air pollutants are rooted into the first bed of ceramic energy recovery media. They are progressively heated. Jesus. Wow, that was bad. That was really boring.

At least she had a kind of a neat voice though. It wasn't like a dude. Yeah. You know who else has a neat voice? You guys say stuff like that in the blowjob negotiation. I can't talk and give one at the same time. Take it out for a second. God.

What? You look at me like, let's see if you can solve this mystery. Gordian County, Kerry are investigating the theft of up to 60 sheep on Mount Brandon. One of the farmers is offering a reward for information leading to the return of the use, which are worth thousands of euro. Oh, fine. That's right. So this is a master of accents.

Oh, that guy is no. So I understood the newscaster. I understood him too. They use when the euros, but this is other level. Sixty sheep have been stolen from this poor man. Oh, let's see what he has to say. Mikey is convinced over 45 sheep have been stolen. Possibly a night that be a full moon, but a night and should it be bright out in the

Codenio on top of the mountain, so by night sure. I wish this guy were on the Great British Baking Show. Oh, man. Wow, what? What? What the fuck? Mikey is convinced over 45 sheep have been stolen. Possibly a night that be a full moon, but a possible at night.

Yeah, beautiful morning. A night and should it be bright out in the Codenio on top of the mountain, so by night sure. There's something about it's bright out. It's bright at night, the moon shines. So it's possible for anyone for liquor to drink it now. OK, well, that was 45 sheep missing Mike in the lamp. So now within the sheep, this count out a nice bit of money like.

His teeth are insanity. He has. There are no teeth, babe. Well, he has some. They are not cool at all. Let's hear that again. Oh, oh, it looked like sheep kind of dark and dingy. That is dark.

That is rough. Well, that was 45 sheep miss. Well, it was 45 sheep miss. Come on, we don't like in the lamps and you're within the sheep. This count out a nice bit of money like. Them be doing the boat and nothing. Wait a minute. What do you think is going on there too?

And the bumblebee mountain or five. Yeah, in the bumblebee mountain, the bumblebee mountain sheep missing, like in the lambs and you're within the sheep. This count out a nice bit of money like a count out to Molly Wikes. The lambs, the sheep, Molly, they took Molly. They went down the mountain like. They went Molly like mountains on the mollies on the mountain like. You're within the sheep.

This count out a nice bit of money like. Them be doing the boat and nothing. I'm talking nothing. That's English. That's a man who speaks English his whole life. That's crazy. He didn't just learn English. Right.

This isn't like a foreign accent syndrome. We're like, yeah, English is a second language. This is this guy's primary. His primary is this. Like he's next door neighbor says some of his sheep have also been stolen. Let's see this guy speaking. I'm missing about 10, 10 years. It's not all that difficult.

All they got to do is have a good dog. Have a good dog and go at night. Some moonshine night, just put the dog around him. Put him on a trailer and walk him. And then probably somebody else to pick him up. That guy's pretty. Yeah, I can understand that one. Just for the people that don't.

Let's go through his like he's next door neighbor says some of his sheep have also been stolen. Come back, come back, come back. Okay, he said, come back, come back, come back. I'm missing about 10, 10 years. There's about 10 euros, 10 euros that got stolen. He lost 10 euros. It's not all that difficult.

All they got to do is have a good dog. It's not that difficult. All you got to do is have a good yard. Have a good jog. Jog. He goes on a jog. Have a good jogging. Have a good jogging.

Yeah, have a good jogging. Have a good jogging. Moonshine night. Moonshine night around him. Put him on a trailer and walk him. Put him on a trailer and walk him. Probably somebody else to pick him up. I'm probably somebody else to pick him up.

Pick him up. Oh, the other guy. Hoof. Shit. Yeah. That was fucking crazy. I always got my adidas jacket on this kid. Yeah, that's your kid.

Yeah. That's your kid. You think he's a good ball worshiper? Or you think the daughter is? Son. Sons are born to do that. To worship balls? Yeah.

This is not a debate. Yeah. It's a good one. So your big old tits were in Brea. Yeah, it was great. Yeah. Super fun. I had Joe Bartnick open for me.

Yoshi came by, did a guest spot. It was awesome. Where you got coming up? Oh, shit, all right, yeah. I got to get my life together here, guys. Sorry, I was caught off guard there. Oh, I'm on airplane mode. Whoa.

All right, ready? April 28th and 29th, Sacramento at the punchline, the ball Sacramento, May 4th and 5th, Bartnick's. Stand up live, May 19th and 20th. Jewdork titties, Gotham, come on your comedy club. June 1st through 3rd, Denver. Momver at the comedy works. And then June 16th and 17th, Manfran Disco at the punchline.

That's what I got, kid. That's what's up, man. I got, check this shit out. This week I'm in Fallis, Texas on Thursday. There's two shows. The first one sold out, there's a late show in Dallas. And then Houston, Houston, Texas the rest of the weekend. Or excuse me, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.

There's a bunch of shows that have been added. They're all at TomSegura.com. But here's what just went on sale. Reno, Nevada, Tucson, Arizona, Pachanga Casino. That's in Temecula. And then, let's see, Richmond, Virginia, Virginia Beach, Virginia, Greensboro, North Carolina, Asheville, North Carolina goes on sale Friday.

And Charleston, South Carolina goes on sale, or is on sale already. This Friday, additionally, Wilmington, Delaware, the Grand Opera House is going on sale. And Baltimore, coming to Baltimore July 29th. Those all go on sale as do Asheville at the Orange Appeal on Friday. So free.

That's all. TomSegura.com slash tour. Thanks, Gene. Very good, mommy. Yeah, very good. Let me see if you like this. Look at this guy. Look at this tornado.

Somebody call David, 8183, telling the tornado to right over his house. Yes. Yeah, I see that. Big ass tornado. Oh, my god. I was waiting for that microwave tower to go. Never did.

I'm fucking nervous about that. I'll plug it into a plug-in. Anywhere, right? It's the first plug-in you see. A guy vomits. Lock that on tape? In the background, as a tornado is forming. Isn't that weird?

I hate you so much, right now. It's weird. I don't want to fucking hear it again. It's a different video. It's not a different video. Why are you lying to me? I'm not listening to this. I move to the next one.

I take my headphones off. I can't hear it. Babe. Babe, you ruined all that for the audience right then by talking. No, because you fooled me. I went to the next clip. You're lying.

I swear to God, it's the next clip. You're not even paying attention. God, it's the next clip. Babe. Babe. Babe. Oh, my God. What is wrong with you?

What is wrong with you? What do you mean? You're the worst person ever. It's right there. You're the worst. Why are you torturing me today? Yeah, Morgan, look it downstairs. God.

There was just a guy puking his brains out. 01:08:21,640 --> 01:08:22,640 I can gather that. And the other guy's like, they lost their shingles now. He's totally not checked into his friend vomiting. I think it's a pretty good video. It's a good clip. But as usual, you're not here.

You're somewhere else. All right, this one doesn't have any vomit, I promise. How about this? Do you think it's annoying when people do upspeak? Yes. This is an upspeak video. You're lying and you're lying. I'm going to wait until I see it before I put my headphones on.

You got to hear it. Nope. You go ahead and put the clip up first and then I'll put my headphones on. Free fried beans are one of the great mysteries of the culinary world. Since how can there be a recipe for refried beans when there's no such thing as a fried bean recipe? This is so much upspeak. If you don't know upspeak, listen to this intonation as it goes. Free fried beans are one of the great mysteries of the culinary world.

Since how can there be a recipe for refried beans when there's no such thing as a fried bean recipe? A fried bean recipe. A fried bean recipe. Usually girls, they do upspeak when they go like this and they're like, oh my God, honestly, seriously. Here's some upspeak too. No. You want to fucking come on my face?

You better fucking come on my fucking face. This is brutal, babe. I'm going to go ahead and soak one pound of pinto beans in cold water over night. And like everything these days, there's a lot of controversy on whether you should do this or not. And I'll let you do your own research on that. But I've been a bean soaker from way back. So I did that mind-soaking cold water for about 10 to 12 hours. Wow, that is exciting.

At which point they should look something like this. Something like this. It's so weird. It's bizarre. And we'll add a couple more ingredients. A couple more ingredients. Including some peeled garlic, as well as a little bit of Mexican herb called epizote. Which, unless you grow it, is not that easy to find fresh.

But it is much easier to find in its dried form. And I'm going to go ahead and add a couple pinches of that. In case you're wondering, this is sort of an extra strong sort of minty oregano. And if you can't find it, some dried oregano will do just fine. Well, just fine. Everything is upspeak. Upspeak. Not done.

Not fine. What a gay lord, huh? Such a gay lord. There's no need to do that. Why is he doing that? Talks like a real homo. Oh, babe, it's not nice. But anyway, we will bring that to a boil.

And once that's happened, we're going to do three things. It's a weird infrastructure. We're going to give it a stir. We're going to reduce our heat to low. Low. We're going to let this simmer uncovered for about an hour and a half or so. Or until your beans are soft. So this is what mine looked like about 90 minutes later.

90 minutes later. And we'll go ahead and check these for doneness. Doneness. Doneness. It's for doneness. Yeah. I mean, that's probably just... Do you think it's a lifetime of that building?

Were you talking about that? I think he's reading copy. Yeah. And he's not comfortable. Yeah. Right. Trying to make an inflection. Yeah.

He's trying to make it interesting because he's reading it piece by piece. He's trying to be exciting. He said, don't be afraid. Don't be afraid. Don't cook in that lard until it starts to brown up. Who brown up? He said, don't be afraid. Don't be afraid.

What do you prefer? Somebody with upspeak? Don't be afraid. Let it cook in that lard until it starts to brown up. Or vocal fry. Megan and I have been together for nearly three years. She's a beautiful girl who I'm very much in love with. And I have a lot in common with.

Upspeak all day. What about you? And I thought this was getting pretty close right here. Definitely upspeak. Yeah. Vocal fry is terrible. Vocal fry, you guys can hear. If you're new to the show, it's when it's...

People don't realize it's actually deliberate. You're... Yeah. You're trying to sound like you're bored. You think that that's the way somebody speaks. It's not. It's always a forced thing. But it can be so much a pattern for you that you don't even think but to go like that.

It's actually... And I think people will do it to sound like I'm bored, whatever. And again, you usually hear it more with women. Yeah. It's a girl thing. But we happen to have two examples of men doing it. Which is bananas. Megan and I have been together for nearly three years.

She's a beautiful girl who I'm very much in love with and I have a lot in common with. I can't wait to get home and jump in the pool. In the pool. I will say I'm proud that he didn't say me and Megan. Oh, yeah. Because me and something has become the new norm with grammar and it's making me bananas. Is it really? Oh, I can't stand it.

You never say me and so-and-so, me and Tom. No, Tom and I are Tom and me depending on the rest of the sentence. Yeah. We have a couple of emails. Makes me crazy. Me and Tom. Me and Megan. You fucked hard.

Some emails came in. You've probably been told this already, but your smelly AC in your car is most likely due to a dirty cabin filter. The air filter inside your, your rides. If you don't feel like getting them replaced, just rub your finger along your crack and smell it and take a whiff. Then the AC won't seem so bad. Take it to any oil change place.

They can glass your filters and then have dad boners when they charge you about $200 to replace it. Make sure you stay hydrated while you wait for your jeans and sampling a double pipe classic. It is worth to get done though. So your cars won't smell like the gays. Feel better. Steve in Fartnick's in parentheses.

Don't assume my gender. Thank you, Steve for that. And this is amazing here. We have a Zim sent in an email. It says, Hey mommy buns and Tina. I'm here to give you some insight to the life of a frequent washcloth user. Oh my God, please. Not only do I use a washcloth in the shower, I happen to use three.

Yes, three washcloths. One for my face, one for my body and one very special washcloth. For getting deep down into brown town. I know it sounds like a lot of laundry. It's well worth it. And I encourage my favorite mommies to give it a try. The B hole washcloth is usually used for my extra nasty King ass ripper browns that happen frequently.

I don't have the luxury of a washlet after making spicy browns and screaming big words on the toilet. This is the best solution I've come up with so far. Any other solutions are welcomed and embraced, keeping it high and tight. Never low and loose. Much love to my mommies. P.S. Use extra bleach in the wash.

Yeah. Nash. Wow. That's from Nash. So he's just saying that he's extra nasty. He's saying he's very nasty. He farts. Oh my gosh.

And he, you know, he has a dirty. So he'd rather use a washcloth than use his hand. Yeah. Yeah. We are obviously hand to ass washers in this house and. Yeah. I don't care. For those of you who don't know, we're, you know, we're very much endorsers of the hand

to ass wash. Well, because then you can just wash your hand with the soap. That's what the soap is for. The soap is for doing that. Yeah. Yeah. So why, you know, the soap kills that bacteria. Yeah.

You think you're, you're like, you know, you're going to get on your hands anyways. I also want to add to the blow job negotiation that every time right before you start, you have to say. Where's the come? You have to say it. Okay. You mean I don't go. You got any coming those balls?

You can try that. Yeah. Any coming those balls? You got any coming those balls? I like that one. Of course I do. That one's better. Of course I do.

Of course I do. Idiot. What a stupid question. There's always come in those balls. You dumb fuck. Yeah. You rhetorical fuck. So you got any.

He's like, mm, tastes good. He does that too. Really nasty. You nasty as hell. Now, when do you, when your toilet paper, do you fold or do you crunch up in a ball? Fold. Yeah. When you're crunching up in a ball is for savages.

I mean, how do you do? I fold. Of course. I go over. I do the mittens. The shit. I'm 100%. I bet my father bunches up.

But let's do right now. I've got this rule. See, this is right. So you go like this, right? Here you go. And then what? He goes like this. Absolutely.

Absolutely. But that doesn't even. He's so nasty. I bet you he does that. But that doesn't cover enough surface area of just a ball. And knowing that there's a lot of gaps so your knuckles can get shitty. Now that's silly. Here's what I do.

I'll show you right here. Here's what I do. Ready, Tom? Yeah. I do like, I'll be all like, hold on. You know, like this, dude. I do like that. I'm fucking put like a shit in.

Yeah. Mitten. And then that's how I roll. Yeah. Let me see what you do. Here's what I do. This is the perfect amount. This is exactly like how much I would use on a brown wipe.

I'm not on a. Whoa. I'm trying to get this phone call ready. I'm going to try to call them and ask him. Yeah. Okay. Wait, but, but real talk. Listen.

Okay. This is enough for my brown. I want to see how much you use. Okay. This is what I do. Now for a yellow, I would use like a quarter. Wait, how do you have that? Don't look.

Don't look. You do yours. I do mine. And then let's do a. This would be good for a wipe. Look how much less you use. That's it. I use like double what you use.

Why do you so much because I don't want this shit to touch my hand. I want to make sure there's enough of a barrier. Babe, you use like two. There's only two tissue layers between your hand and your butthole. This is terrible. Babe, you got to use more.

We can afford it. Do it. I do on occasion. It just depends on the but on a normal way. God damn it. Why do either of my parents have phones? Your mother never answers. It's so annoying.

So annoying. And like Ellis will be doing something super cute and we'll try to Face Timer and she'll never fucking answer. Yeah. So now let me ask you this. When you make yellow, do you have to wipe your penis ever? No. No.

You don't wipe the dribble. Isn't there a dribble? I mean, maybe when you're 80 or something, but I don't do it. You use so little. Babe, this is not even enough for me. Totally. Let me see. This is enough for a yellow wipe.

Enough for a blue. No, that's enough. I might go a little thicker. Yeah, you're crazy. If I was really trying to dig. Wait a minute, but don't you dig when you wipe? You got to get in there. I mean, I'm saying I dig wipe, but like on a regular just like

I'm wiping. This is fine. But for me, every wipe is a dig wipe. If I'm wiping brown. True. You're not wiping thoroughly. Yeah, I am. And actually, and after the washlet one, like a home one.

Oh, it's definitely. Well, it's different. Yeah. The bidet is like, you know, you barely have to wipe after the bidet. Now, isn't it gross to be on the road and to shit without a bidet? Yeah. Don't you feel horrible? I do.

I use a lot of sinks, you know. Really? Yeah. What do you do? To spread my ass in the sink and let the water run through. You just go to the shower. You should just go shit the shower. No, I don't do shit the shower.

You know, no, no. Charo. It's your son. Oh my gosh. You just call in the house. Of course. And no one answers the phone. Because I saw one, two, one.

Okay. Don't have to say the whole number. What are you doing? No. Talking on the phone with you. You just didn't answer. Where's dad? She went to the gym.

She should be home really soon. Okay. Let me ask you this. When you make, when you wipe for a caca. Yeah. Do you fold the paper over or do you just bunch it up? Like put it in a ball. This is the most disgusting conversation again.

I thought you were going to talk about Ellis. No, no. But what do you do? We will. You fold the paper. You fold it. Of course. Do you think dad does?

No. Do you know that for a fact? No, I never got to watch him doing caca. Are you out of your mind? Excuse me. Let me check how you do your paper and how you do your caca. No, I can't possibly imagine him taking. Now that you ask a question, come a very smart question.

I can't possibly imagine you five folding paper. What about you? I do fold it, but I told Christina, because we were having, I go, I bet a thousand dollars that my dad bunches it up into a ball. I cannot get in the bed. Can you get in the bed? The bed. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah. What do you think? I don't think you fold it. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. Yeah.

You're going to have to pay you a thousand and me a thousand. Yeah, that's right. All right. Now. What? Do you exercise? Do you ever? Okay.

How about this? Do you ever, let's say you're traveling and you had a, you know, whatever. You didn't bring enough underwear. Do you ever fold your underwear inside out and wear the outside as your underwear? What happened is I am smart enough to have enough underwear. No, I'm saying, I'm saying in the scenario that you don't have enough. Would you just fold your underwear inside out and wear that? No, I watch it at night and hopefully it would be the next one.

But would you ever do what I'm proposing? It's a total emergency and I don't think a way that they can drive and I don't have a situation where I am, you present a situation that doesn't happen to me, but yes, I will fold it inside out. Okay. And like even if there was a, Wait, wait, wait, wait. I have to be really stupid.

Why? If I am going on a trip, the first thing I'm counting is how many days I'm going and the first thing I put is counting underwear extra. Yeah. How many were I going to end with no underwear? Well, yeah, somebody stole them. That's, that's what happened. Okay.

Yes. Um, and here about this one, let's say you have caca on the, I know. Let's talk about the list. Hold on. Hold on. This is the last one. This is the last one.

This is the last one. Is it okay? Is it okay? If, I'm suffering. If you, if you get caca on the inside of your underwear, is it okay to fold it over and just wear the outside? I know.

Absolutely. No. No way. Your underwear where I'm folded and where the inside out. Yeah. You understand that the caca will go into your pants and you will smell it. You know what? This is the most disgusting conversation.

This is absolutely number one. It's impossible to happen to me. Maybe to you. I had the feeling that it just happened to you. If I wanted a trip. No. I'm so excited. You're going with Brian.

You took one underwear. So the first day you turn the inside out, the next day you poop in your pants and then then you know what to do. So you put it back and you did the caca. Oh my God. Can you afford to buy any underwear? I'm going to try to. I'm going to get some more.

Yeah. I'm going to get some more. She's right here. Christina. Christina. I'm here. Yeah. Yeah.

What about it? I mean, this is my life. Yeah, she's here. I hear it. It's just part of life. So do you, do you wash top dogs boxers by any chance? Oh yeah. Do you ever wash dads underwear?

What do I ever? It's the only person who washes it with me. Okay. And what do you want to know? I've never seen cacas in underwear. I've never seen anything. I even, this is disgusting, but I even smell it because I'm not sure if it's dirty or clean. You're so brave.

And then do you ever see yellow though? No. No yellow either? Well, if I ever see yellow, if I happen once or twice, I get it with two fingers. And put it as far away as I can to put it in the washer and spray it before that. And then you never see brown streaks in the underwear? You know, it used to be in the old times. He did have that.

Oh. I honestly haven't seen it in a long time. Charo, I gotta, I gotta grab this call. I'll call you back. I love you. Okay. I love you. Hello?

Hello? Yeah. Hey. Hey, it's your son. It's your son. Hey, what's up, man? I didn't recognize the number. I know.

I'm calling you. Come back to the gym. How was it? Just come back to the gym. Dad. Well, I work after an hour now. Great. I'm very happy for you.

That's great. I have, um, I got this. I got it. I got a serious question. I got to ask you. Okay. Hold on. Let me do a part.

Okay. I did the part time. So, um, when you take a dump, do you fold the paper over? Or do you just bunch it up and wipe with it? Oh, I'm a buncher. You're a buncher. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. I knew it. You know that I knew it. We had a bet going and I knew it. Folders are OCD people. Neat freak. Yeah. You know, uh, it's not good.

People that, that actually, you know, when I throw my dirty clothes in the laundry and bring miss, I'll get it in the morning. Okay. You know what's, I know what you mean. But my problem with bunching is that like, if I'm looking at paper, if I bunch, um, if you get some and you wipe with a bunch and you happen to look at it, you could release some of that paper and have it all spread out. It gets like real messy, right?

No, never gets messy. You have to know how to do it. Get yourself, make sure you have plenty of paper. And then, you know, I always go in for the wet ones, the kind of, and then I do a couple of wet ones to make sure I got it all and go back to the dry ones. I remember my very last one, I kind of punched it in the butthole a little bit to make sure there's not something kind of oozed out. Wait, so you, you puncture yourself a little bit with it?

Like you actually push it in? Just a little bit. Just kind of a hard push to make sure. I don't go all the way in, but just some right on the edge here to make sure it doesn't, it doesn't kind of leak out and, uh, you know, end up in your underwear. And so, you know, I got this down pat. And, uh, and then I did one of my one final one. Nothing on it.

I know I'm good to go. Well, that's pretty good. I mean, we have a couple other scenarios we want to ask you about underwear. Do you feel like it's okay to wear underwear inside out? Sure. Sure. I mean, you know, I'm trying to become more planet sensitive, you know, and, um, a lot of things that, you know, understand that, that we all have to take care of the planet

and waste. You know, when I got to California, you got those real efficient toilets where one button for a piss and two, another button for a dump. Okay. Yeah. We don't have those here in Florida. Okay. Right.

Um, where we're not, we're not that far advanced. So, you know, I figure I can, uh, if I just turn my underwear inside out, they can't do that with boxers, but you can deal with briefs. Boxers. Gotcha. Now, do you feel like, um, this is a scenario. Let's say somebody has an accident in their underwear. How about flipping them inside out if you have no other underwear?

Is that acceptable or no? No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

Fuck. No. Yes. No. No. No. No. No.

No. 01:29:11,640 --> 01:29:12,640 yeah. No. Peter. So I had the proposal rate says 50%. counter. Yeah.

Sure. Okay. Yep. Um, I tell you what I do now is this is, I do not carry an extra set of underwear. I might carry out like you. Wow. Smart.

Just in case. You told me the other day that you farted and then you knew exactly what was coming. Remember that you called me. I can tell. Oh yeah. My, my gut. I can tell by the smell of the fart what number the dump's going to be. And you said it was like a four or five.

Yeah. I can tell. And I had it. I liked the other day. I had it. Yes. I had a three, three part. I know that the three coming.

Okay. And sure enough, I did about 45 minutes later at a three. That's really something. Um, that's cool, man. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you know, if you get older, you develop certain skills for certain things and it's definitely a skill.

Yeah. Um, okay. Well, look, I, uh, can I give you a call back here in a few minutes? Do you mind? No. Okay. I'll call you back in a few. All right.

I love you. Bye-bye. Well, we got a, Definitely a bunch of full report too. We got your mom's perspective and your dad's that was bonus for sure. That was a bonus material and she was really upset at the questions. So, you know, mission accomplished more fun. Um, remember the, uh, the, the Nelson Mandela hockey player?

Yeah. Somebody said, um, I don't have it read it yet, but this is the email. I was listening to the podcast toward the end. I hear a very familiar clip. The, the hockey player Jonathan, uh, I think it's Bernier talking about influential Mr. Mandela, how influential Mr. Mandela was to him playing hockey. I live in Toronto, huge Maple Leafs fans. So this clip hits home for, for me, he got absolutely roasted on Toronto radio for that.

This guy was supposed to be the savior for the Leafs. He was a young up and coming goalie that was traded for from your LA Kings. He had a pretty good first year and a half. Then this video happened. He was so bad after that, like so, so fucking bad. He is no longer playing for Toronto. He's back in California playing for Anaheim, playing really good. Again, I think this actually fucked with his head.

Yeah. He was here. Love the show. Mommies can't wait for both of you to come to do another show in Toronto. A lot, a live podcast, maybe. Canada would really like that. Love you, Mommies. Nathan.

I do love Toronto. Toronto's the shit. It is wonderful. Toronto. Yeah. Yeah. I love, I like Canada. That's really a good time.

It's not LA, but it's Canada. You know what I mean? Right. That's a good way of breaking it down too. It's not LA, but it is Canada. But it is Canada. I like Canada. It's not what you're saying, but it's something else.

Right. That is my logic. Yeah. Oh, that's crazy. I can see that happening. I mean, on the Great British Baking Show, you have a bad bake and the judges lean into you, and then it gets in your head. It's hard to bounce back from that much heat, you know?

Yeah, of course. And that must have been a very embarrassing incident. You know, I actually do. Very embarrassing. Did I tell you, this is how much I actually empathize with it, even though I, you know, I made fun of them or whatever. Yeah. And that clip started before the show when I was making sure my clips were lined up.

And he said the first line of like, he was a great player. I turned it off because of my own embarrassment. Yes. Yeah, I get that way for people. It's mortified, man. Well, you know, it happens. Do I know everything? No.

Do you know everything in the world? Of course not. No, we could have been embarrassed. And then on those moments, those red carpet moments, just a microphone in your face and a camera. He's not, he's not, he's not an actor. He's not a comedian. He's a hockey player.

So I always feel like that too. To make athletes talk on the spot. Yeah. And in those, you know, that's a high pressure situation. I get it. By the way, I thought like the calls with my parents were so funny. Let's like drop it down. Oh, sorry.

We're going to be looking at another way of dealing with inhomogeneities in the field through a trick known as the spin echo. Let's go back to first principles for a moment. Oh my God. Remember that that oscillating transverse magnetic field has the effect of causing the nuclear magnetization to move from its equilibrium position pointing along the magnetic field to being processing at some particular angle. And the most favorite angle for maximum signal is to have that magnetization lying in the

transverse plane. You know what I think about when I watch it like this? He likes to fuck. This guy fucks day and night. So we need, there's a need for this type of human being on earth. Yeah. And thank God that that just happened because I look at it like, please fill me with bullets right now.

But there are people that are like, this is what this is what I live for. This puts lead in his pencil. Oh yeah. This guy wakes up in the morning. He's like, I got a bullet for you right now. Yeah. It's at the tip of my dick. This oscillating thing.

I'm just geeked on this, bro. Yeah. Thank God for smart people basically is what you're saying. That is what I'm saying. Look, before we go, I feel like. I'm smart. We do owe it to at least the people involved to finish that audio. Oh no.

Oh you dog. It's the only one to come. He's a shit. Fuck my ass harder than the plane to come. It is like sad music. It is like a, like a procedural. You're right. Like don't don't don't don't in the court of law.

You know what it is? It's the moment where the person that you didn't think was a suspect, right? Putting together the putting together the evidence and they're like, then you came back. Yeah. Yeah. You saw that she was still in the house. Yeah.

You saw her. Right. That's what you decided. Right. She had to die. Yeah. The music's too intense. It's kind of a bummer.

It puts a bummer mood on what should be fun thing. Right. A light playful romp is now a murder. I don't know though because it was exchange. It's very aggressive. This sex copay. Really? I mean, don't you hear it?

It sounds fun. It's not fun. I don't know what you're talking about. It sounds light and consensual. Oh man. That was kind of fun. You're right. That was fun.

I don't know what I was thinking. Yeah. Fuck me bitch. I wish our nanny could hear this. Yeah. This would be it. This one. Tom, I have to tell you this is very offensive.

This is why I quit? No. I don't quit. Too much porno. Well, this would devastate her. Yeah. Thank God for a soundproof studio, huh? Oh man.

A lot of these songs, God, I don't know which one you want to hear. There's so many. How about not aggressive coming and not shitting? Because we've done enough common shit today. Okay. I shouldn't play. We both got AIDS. There's triple pipe montage.

I think that sounds pretty fun. But oh no, that's shit. Double pipe. Yeah. So don't do that. Got any common those? Don't do that. I'm having a hard time now finding a closer.

This one's called It's a Piece of Asphalt, dude. And a Canadian denim boner is another one. Okay. Let's try that. With the ever-increasing demand for greater speeds and aircraft. Okay. If necessary. Thanks for listening, guys.

This is funny. See you next time. Thanks, James. Your mom'shousepodcast.com. Bye-bye. The attendant break must be reduced to a minimum. Well. Canada has an escort belt.

And this is the airport. Well. This is the front. Come on, baby. Well. Oh, that's really best road down. Wow. Why isn't the government talking about our story?

Oh, oh, oh, oh. F-A-R-E. F-A-R-E. F-A-R-E. F-A-R-E. But we welcome guests too.