Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 395-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: May 10, 2017

Does thinking about your family turn you on? Think harder. Now are you feeling it? Let's talk about something that your brain does a good job of blocking out.  Plus Tommy got food poisoning. Can you guess what type of food caused it? Can you guess where you shouldn't buy that type of food from? Bingo. Just as Tina and Tommy realized they could plug in more than one thing in their bedroom, they also have come to the conclusion that they can buy more than one clock. Hear the riveting story. AND even more unsolicited callers weigh in on the personality battle. Who do you find more charming? 

We have restocked a bunch of shirts that people asked us to restock. So if you go to the store, it's merchmethod.com slash Tom Segura. Or if you want to just go to my site, tomsegura.com. The portal will take you to the store, whole bunch of things restocked. Waterchamp, double pipe classic, the jean hoodie, bikes, all those are restocked. Go ahead if you so choose. Thank you. I have to tell you that I wore the jean hoodie all weekend in Fartnecks at night.

Obviously on the plane. It's so comfortable. It's so soft. It's beautiful and it shows the world that you're a jean. You know what I like about that one? I mean, almost all of them are, but it's so down low. Yeah, it's not like. I know it's not in your face.

Yeah, it's so funny. Please enjoy this. And we will. Palm cash. Palm cash. He's crazy. We'll see you guys next week. Thanks, jean.

Oh, you nasty. Wake up, nasty. She hasn't showered in three days, but that means on the good side. Yeah, she's got a real stinky beehive. Today, I find I would play with my house. Play with my house, play with my house. Today, I find I would play with my house. Play with my house, play with my house.

Trust me, there's probably a lot of smells going on in my house. I like stinky buttholes, though. This lady's got one. Someone can sit on my face all day with their ass. And I wouldn't mind smothering them with a smelly asshole. But today, I find I would play with my house. Play with my house.

Play with my house. Today, I find I would play with my house. Yeah, I swear. She's really played with my life. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you've got it. She's gnarly. You've got a gnarly beehive right now.

I do, I do. Run your finger along your crack with your ass. You don't need to finger your hole. You don't want to come back with shit on your finger. Always good advice. And it's not sexual. That's the best part about it. That's the best part about pup plays.

It's just a bunch of guys hanging out and latex dog costumes. Yeah. Just exchanging recipes. Yeah, it's true. Swapping, swapping keto recipes. I feel like we're both really keyed up for today. Like we both are really excited.

You know why I'm energized? Because I I came back from Fartnecks and I met so many mommies. And then, you know, they tell me things like you're the water champ, you're the personality champ. And then it inspires me to come back and just be those things on the show. We'll get into that later.

But there's there's more than a controversy, I would say. I doubt that. No, well, you can doubt all you want. This is a huge episode because you had. I don't want to I don't want to blow what it is. But yeah, you've had quite a past three days. And for this show, it's pretty much what we're all about. So we're going to do a full hour on what happened to you.

I think. Yeah, there's a lot. There's a lot to get into. Yeah, you didn't sound enthusiastic. No, no, I mean, it's it was very traumatizing, very emotional. Yeah, so it's going to be a lot to to talk about. Yeah, yeah, we'll process it. But that's what the show is for, to process what happened.

Yeah, it's true. Think of it as your therapy. I do. I do. This will be good for me. It'll be good for us. As a couple, as a family. Yeah, we'll get into it. Two and you, three and you. All right. Well, let's why don't we do a proper show open

and we'll get into it. Yeah, we'll be proud of each other. Here we go. And then three years later, I actually, when I was masturbating, went to everyone in my family to see who aroused me. Oh, my God, I tried my father, my mother, my children, my grandparents, my cousins,

my siblings and the only one who aroused me was my father. Yeah, well. This is big time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone mother to this. Well, welcome. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura and Christina.

Welcome to your mom's house. Nasty bitch. Yeah. I mean, first of all, for this show, it's supposed to be your mom that arouses you. Yeah. And I mean, how says normative of her to choose her patriarchal she is hard fucking core without a doubt.

No kidding. Gosh, she gets in there. She never plays games. Just when you think she can't shock us anymore. Yeah. And then she drops that knowledge. Isn't that bananas? Yeah.

But you know, when you think about it, it kind of makes sense from us, from a Freudian psychoanalysis perspective. Yeah. Because your father is your first, your first love. Yeah. Well, she, you know, she breaks it down. I mean, this is somebody that's not new to our show.

I always love that the Beethoven is prominently displayed behind her. It really does offset any wacky stuff you say if you have like intelligent things behind you. I know. That's what I got to start doing for my well. She has good taste. Yeah, she's great. Yeah.

Oh, she's really cool. I like her. Yeah. She has a lot of things going there. Um, she has a lot of things going there. Yeah. She has, like I said, she's not she's not new to our show. Uh, we've, we've featured her prominently before.

Um, you may remember her. I have come all over my face. That's her. Yeah. Um, he loves his coming. So, and she went on a come strike. That's right. I've forgotten how did that come strike?

She, because guys kept wanting to come on her and all over her. Right. But they were horrified if their own come touched themselves. And, and did the strike work? Did she get a raise? I don't know. I mean, I watched CNN a lot. And I know that's kind of, you know, so maybe it's covered on Fox or maybe it's

on BBC or something. I don't know. Right. Um, so I don't know if it was ever covered, but I know that she did make a big thing about going on the come. Well, I know there's a writer strike happening. Does it have anything to do with the come strike? I think they averted that.

Oh, so maybe they averted the two things together. I'm guessing because we didn't know how her, her strike ended. That's true. Let me see if, um, any news on it. Yeah. CNN's got it. Uh, what, what do we have here? Um, but yeah, so she, she was this, she's big on, um, on talking, you know,

in detail about, I think, oh, here we go. Here we go. She could have had a career as a Muppet for sure. So here's the thing. I think we should go on strike against come. I know. Come strike. Come.

Yeah. She's going to come. But don't you think she like on Sesame Street, we were looking up the character, like who does the voices of Cookie and Oscar? Like, I think she'd make a killer Muppet. She has a great voice for that. Yeah. Yeah.

If she gives up. So here's the thing. Come, she should do that. I think we should go on strike against come. A come strike. We should go again. Yeah. We should go on strike against come.

I don't want to share my cookies. That's pretty good. Right. And then they're like, you have, you have to share your cookies. Well, I don't want to share my cookies. That's pretty good. I don't want to share my come. Yeah.

I've got this cup of come and it's all mine. All the cum is in my balls. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Stick to cum for everyone. No. I'm going on a come strike.

Yeah. So now. I want to go on a come strike. That's really good. Yeah. Yeah. I can tell you watch a lot of children's programming. I do.

No. Scram. Yeah. Scram. Oscars are a favorite right now. Oscars are awesome. Scram. See.

Me and Slime. See how we integrate the fact that we have a child or into, you know, we're a family show. We're a family show, yeah. We discuss things that appeal to adults like come strikes. Just because you become a mom and dad doesn't mean you have to be lame. Yeah. He loves his cum.

So. He loves. As a mother, I'm offended by that. Oh. Oh. That's about to get mad about psychology. Dad's upset. Dad doesn't want to hear.

I'm going on a come strike. I'm going on a come strike. Oscar, would you like to join me on my come strike? Scram, lady. Make it to be like that we're pilot. Like I'm not trying to make fun of this lady. It's just that she covers so many things outside of normal everyday coffee talk conversations. She really.

That's her job. Yeah. She gets out there. So this is like, this is stuff that maybe we should be talking about, but we're not. You understand Theo? They should put her on the view. Whoopee. But they don't have the balls.

You know who does? Yeah. We do. Real show. Yeah. Do your incest fantasies haunt you? Do you feel guilt or shame around them? Maybe you've never allowed yourself to have them.

True. Because you think it would, you would be a horrible person if you ever went there. So it's all suppressed. Yeah. Wow. Does she have a PhD in psychoanalysis too? I don't know, but she's really the sex bird, right? Because she's just written books on it.

She's definitely experienced a lot of it. Yeah. Incest fantasies are normal. Okay. I first learned this from Betty Dotson's book, Sex for One. And when I read her book in my late 40s and she wrote about incest fantasies, I was repulsed. I'll be honest. The idea of, of approaching the subject is terrifying.

Yeah. It's not supposed to be like, oh yeah, I totally, I get it. Like you're supposed to feel oaky. Right. It's not a good topic. And if those fantasies do exist, I think the mind does a good job of shelving them pretty deep. In other words, like it's not something that's on the forefront all the time, you know?

No, but like, again, I feel like it makes total sense when you think about it, your mother is your very first sensual, and I don't mean sexual. Sent, like since you literally have her tits, you're sucking her boobs for life in the morning, in the morning, in the beginning of your life. So it makes sense that that's your first sensual experience, not necessarily sexual, but stimulating, you know? That makes sense. Yeah.

Yeah. Wow. It's so fucking deep, dude. Then your mother's probably the first one that's like, Who's your Rona? Yeah. Who's your Rona? Yeah.

And you kind of go for it. Wow. But then would you marry your mom? I mean, marrying your mom is a whole other thing. It's totally different. It's just, you know, it's just like the gaze. That's right. Yeah.

Um, so then. And then a couple of years later, I actually, when I was masturbating, went through everyone in my family to see who aroused me. I tried my father, my mother, my children, my grandparents, my cousins, grandparents, my siblings, nasty as hell, the only one who aroused me was my father. Do you think your granddad would get you hard? I thought this was a special clip for you, by the way. For me?

Well, just because, you know, you're a woman. She's a woman. Her thought maybe. Well, I was taking it for the grandparents. I know that you, you have some pretty sexy granddad fantasies, don't you? I like that her approach to it though was like, I'm going to start masturbating and then go through the rolodex. Like who turns me on?

Who turns me on? Yeah. That's how she, it's just, it's. It's different. It's, it's a brave. Yeah. I'm not sure I need to go there. Like, like you said, that's kind of one of those things that you can totally repress your whole life

and be fine. Like there's some things you don't need to go into. No, no, I'm totally cool with not. Hopefully we'll explore it today. That was, for me, that was the only one that turned me on. Who turned me on? My boys did not or my mother or anybody else, but I allowed myself. I didn't judge my fantasy.

I just went with it because it was arousing to me. Oh my God. And I'm like, well, what does this fantasy teaching me? Nothing. I like that she's exploring. Ask them, will you ever date your mom? Oscar, do you ever have any sexual fantasies about your dad? No, get out of here.

Scram. And what it showed me and what it does. Showed you. And who I will play with. Mommy fucking. Oh, for Christ's sake. It involves love. The inside fantasy is about having sex with someone who loves you and who you feel love for.

Is that what that's about? It could be. It's a great possible. Yeah, that is a good one. Is that, is that, I'm going to ask my therapist about that because she's a Freudian psychoanalyst. Well, now that she breaks it down that way, does that change at all for you? No, I don't know. I wasn't paying attention.

I was still horrified. Like I'm still on the Rolodex scene. I'm not hearing it. The fantasy is tied to having sex with somebody that really loves you. Oh, like love. Yeah. Yeah. That's the maternal, the paternal thing.

Now can you masturbate to your dad? Right, right, right. Got you. Okay. Oh, is that what we're trying to do? We're trying to get me? Yeah, it's trying to get you into the same mindset. Oh, okay.

No, it's still not. Let's keep working. No, no, please. No. No, I don't need to. I'm glad I allowed that fantasy because now it no longer turns me on. Like it was just a step on my sexual evolution because I think all of our fantasies teaches something and so repressing them just stops the sexual evolution, I believe.

So wait, do you, but in all seriousness, do you believe this? Do you believe that perhaps she is very sexually evolved? Absolutely. Yeah. I think anybody that can go to the dark side of their force and come out of it, here's the thing, I repress so much shit. Like I am a fucking vault of dark thoughts. I mean, it's, I'm a comedian.

I see a shrink once a week. Like the darkness is so deep in me. I can't, I can't go here. That's why I love shit like this. She goes there and I can make fun of her. Right. Like we're poking at her. We're having a good laugh, but truthfully, she's actually very sexually evolved.

She's way more evolved than me and I can't stand it. Like I'm so threatened by it. Charizard, that's her name. Thanks, dude. I saw a love girl. You just blew our minds again. Yeah, you did. Damn.

That's not possible, by the way. Very hard to phase us on the show. We'll say that very little, like rattles our cages. And sometimes things are just fun to learn. Oh, no. This what I showed you last night. Oh, right now. I don't like this one.

Why not? Jim's normal routine was after he killed someone, is he would go upstairs and lay down and take a nap. I mean, it was like an aphrodisiac pharma taking a valium. He was just nice and relaxed. And from the next couple of weeks, he was nice and relaxed. He was just like a stress relief. And then you could see a build up in him again,

but killing people relaxed him. Yeah. That's Kevin Weeks. He was part of the Winter Hill gang. He ran with James Whitey Bolger. Your hero. And so I was watching this documentary on bodyguards. And so they have different bodyguards,

different worlds of being about. In other words, they have entertainer like Justin Bieber's bodyguard. They had Nelson Mandela, one of his bodyguards. So you have like entertainer. You have a head of state. And then you mean a soccer player? Was it Nelson Mandela? The hockey player.

That's right. Yeah. The great, great hockey player. He did so much for hockey. On the Blue Jays. Forget what? The Maple Leafs. Maple Leafs.

Yeah. He really paved the way for so many great hockey players. But then they had this guy, Kevin Weeks, who I've seen in other documentaries. And so he was a, he was like muscle for Whitey Bolger. Yeah. And so. Also a really neat guy.

Like Whitey Bolger. Yeah. Just kind of positive like Tony Robbins telling people what to do. Yeah. He's a real piece of work. Affecting the world with love. But then he's telling these stories about all these different murders they committed. And then he tells this part where he's like,

and then, you know, his usual routine was he would kill someone and then just go take a nap. And he's like, and then he was just cool for weeks. Like you can see that he was like, like killing people really relaxed him. Yeah. That was, um. I know that you've been high on this clip for days. I know because it's so crazy.

And it is. Yeah. It's so crazy. And also, I also love that I play it for you before bed. That's what I was going to say. Because you have this thing where you're like, stop showing me these things before I go to sleep. Well, yeah.

I mean, we were. Well, I showed you something that you told me it was in your dream the next day. You're like, it fucked up my whole dream. Of course. The thing is you and I were having fun. Like we were playing. We were laying in bed, petting the dogs, just giggling like school girls. That's why I was like, oh, I gotta show you this funny clip.

Right. And then you ruined the moment. You're like, oh, hold on, hold on. Speaking of which, I have a really funny clip to show you. And then you turn on the show. And I was like, dude, I'm about to go to sleep. Yeah. I don't want to hear about murder and how this guy likes killing people.

And it makes me sleep. He was just nice and relaxed. And from the next couple of weeks, he was nice and relaxed. He was just like a stress relief. And then you could see a build up in him again. But killing people relaxed him. I think watching documentaries about people kill people relaxes you. It makes me laugh.

What part of that like brings you so much joy? It's so crazy. That's why you like having your mind blown before bed. Is that, is that what it is? It's just so crazy. Here's the thing. Inappropriate behavior, inappropriate things said is a huge mind blowing laugh escape for me. So like somebody say, like the lady saying, kiss my pussy in the bank.

Of course. Yeah, I always make me laugh. Well, we have a whole show dedicated, inappropriate, but for some reason, murdering because it's so, it's so like to hear somebody talk about it this way is so far removed from how you should talk about it. Yeah. So that's why it makes me laugh. Like if it was somebody saying it in the way that you like, if this guy was scared or talking

about how scared he would, it wouldn't register as, um, that's funny. The way that he's talking, like he's talking about it, like, like he's talking about, I don't know, like wildlife. No, I get it. I think the clip is actually very amusing. It is, but it's also really disturbing. So what I, what I'm not hearing from you is like, yeah, that was funny. It's really, it's ridiculous, but I'm not sensing the empathetic sort of and how tragic

that he's killing people. Well, because if, if we go into, if you, if you shift it, uh, 30 seconds earlier where they're talking about the graphic details of the murder, I don't find that funny because they show. Okay, good. That's all I need. That's all I need. That's all I need.

That's not funny. Okay, good. As long as you feel for a guy to describe his, his, one of his close friends. He's like, it really relaxed him. I get it. And you can see that actually he doesn't register that it's absurd. Right. That's the funnier part.

If he's like, he would take a nap. You know what I think it is with these murder shows is that you consume them the way most people consume comedies or sitcom. I don't like watching comedies. Right. Neither do I. Very seldom do I enjoy a comedy, but you consume them. It's such a high rate.

Like it's, it really is your favorite thing. Does it upset you that I don't share your enthusiasm for murder and killing? Can I tell you though my, really the thing is I'm completely convinced that everybody, all of us who consume any type of either books, movies, TV shows, well, we all like our stories. But that's the universal thing. It's a story. There's only like six stories. Right.

So the thing that I like about crime shows. Archetypes and whatnot. But the crime show, what I like is I like the stories involved in a crime show. I like that somebody does something and then I like the path of the people hunting that person down getting the, like, I like that whole story. So you like it when the murderer gets caught. Does that give you joy or do you side with the killer and you're like, I hope he gets away with this?

No, no, but I want, I want, if it's a good crime story, you want him to almost get away with it. Otherwise it's boring. What's the point? Yeah. Does it get you hard enough? Yeah. You want them, you want him to, I mean, look at all the great crime movies or stories,

it's that, you know, he misleads the investigators. He leaves a clue. They think they have him. He gets away. I mean, that's what makes those stories exciting. Okay. Look, I'm not, you know, I won't say anything. I'm just curious.

But also, I mean, in my past, I don't do anymore, but when I used to kill people, it was just very relaxing. Yes. It's very nice. Take a nap after. Oh yeah. I mean, the idea that somebody can take a nap after that is insane. Sociopath.

Yeah, of course. Yeah. Sociopath. But that's why it's like, it's jarring to hear about. It does, it gives them a charge. Most people would kill somebody if they did. Yeah. The, the last thing they'd be able to do is take a nap.

Right. You know, I, my stepfather is dead now and my mother's dead. So I can talk about them, I think. Yeah. My stepdad was a sociopath as well. And I know that it gave him a lot of joy to stab somebody's tires. Right, but not stab people. Not people.

No, no, he didn't kill people that I know of. Now it did give him a thrill to do wacky stuff like that, but it wouldn't put him to sleep. It would just give him a charge. Like he actually got excited. It was, it was like the, yeah, it was snowflakes. It was happiness for him and my mom. Both they love to conspire and, and you know, get, get, get one over on someone.

Now killing is a different, but I killed a lot of people. I know there's kind of scumbags. Kind of. They killed a lot of people. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think I want to say that, you know, the original count against Bolger and his crew was like 19. How do you know of, right?

That's what I'm saying. Yeah. Who knows what they were putting on. That's banana. That guy's a real psycho. Fuck, yeah. Well, I mean, I saw Johnny Depp's version of him in that movie. He was good.

He was really, he's always good, right? 00:23:10,600 --> 00:23:12,120 Johnny Depp's really good actor. Black mass, not about Shaq's asshole. It's about, it's about. Black mass, he's so nasty. He's hell, man. Yeah.

Black mass does sound like a, like a beehull that's covered in brown. It's a lot. It's chocolatey shit. It's dark chocolate. Pretty crazy, man. Yeah. Well, neat. So can we get to finally your weekend?

How your life is? My God. It was a, it's been a, it's a long journey. So if you're listening in your cubicle guys, time to put the headphones on. But don't worry, this is not like, I want to tell people, because they hear that and they're like, oh God. You know, some people are like, are you just going to just tell me you took, no. What happened was I got sick.

It's a story. It's a story. So don't, this is not just about a fart or something. You know, this is, this is a real story. It's got some dignity. I did something you're definitely going to make fun of me for, but I thought I did it in, you know, there's always jokes about buying sushi from wherever. I bought sushi from Whole Foods.

Whole Farts. I was there picking up some, some things. I was a single dad. You left town. So I did a single dad run. Nanny was here watching the boy. I, I run to the store and I go, I got to get things for breakfast and lunch tomorrow. So I get, you know, the usual stuff, his milk and his, some fruit, some eggs, this and that.

And when I'm there, I had worked out. I had worked out like an hour before. So I'm hungry. Right. But I'm thinking about cooking and it's like that split second decision. Yeah. I go, I'm tired. Just want to have something quick.

What can I get that's going to satiate me, but also, you know, kind of healthy. So as I'm walking through Whole Foods has that little sushi, there's a chef there. What day of the week is this? This is a Thursday. So I'm like, you know, and yeah, it is later in the day. So yeah, stuff's probably been made for a while. Well, I just know the Anthony Bourdain rule, like you don't want to order sushi on a Sunday because the fish markets close on, what day is it?

I think they buy their fish on a Monday. That's probably right. But I don't like that. I don't fucking remember. So fucking I go fucking. I go, okay. I look at it. Okay.

I get salmon sashimi. You're not pronouncing it right. Salmon sashimi. Right. It's like six pieces. What color was it? No, that looked good. Fine.

That was totally fine. I say, it's got the brown spots. It's perfect. I grabbed that real white, real brown. I grab some tuna and then I'm like sashimi. Yeah. And then I go, I'm gonna need something else. And then there's seared albacore.

Okay. So and that's on rice. I'm like, oh, you know, have like a couple bites with rice, a couple. That's how we do sushi. I don't, you don't want to eat too much rice. So anyways, I grabbed that. Right. I run home.

I put away the groceries. I start, I open these three things. Yeah. I wolf down the salmon, take a couple bites of tuna, and I open that seared albacore. And the first one, I take a bite with rice. Right. Okay.

And I go back and I have another piece of like salmon or whatever. And then tuna. And then I go, I remember I noticed that like that rice ball is too big. So I take a, I take it, the seared albacore off of it. I'm like, I don't want to have too much rice. And as I take a bite of it, I'm like, just tastes fishy. Which is a no-no in sushi. Yeah.

If you don't eat sushi, it shouldn't taste. It sounds silly, but like, if it, if it smells like typical, like when you go, it smells like a fish market, like fish or like people's mouth. Yeah. Like your dog's mouth. That's not what you want. So I have like half a bite and I'm like, it's just, I'm just not feeling it, man. You know, but I'm not putting together, you know, everything yet.

I'm just like, I just not digging this. Well, and also you're a bear and bears just put everything in their mouth. If, if it's like a beehive with the bee swarming and stinging his mouth, he doesn't notice the bee stinging. You, you've put like molten hot pizza in your mouth. Right. You chew through, you chew through the pain. But so, but this is also a pretty, you chew through the smells too.

I don't eat anymore. Really? No, I stop. Yeah. So, so I have basically, so that's good. One and a half pieces of what, because I just go like, I'm not digging it. Does it smell right? It doesn't taste good.

So anyways, that's all I have. Okay. I don't know. 30, 40 minutes later, I shoot a water hose out of my ass. Sea. But I go, that's, you know. That's normal for you. Well, no, I just go like that.

I don't think of it as, oh, this is serious. I just think like that didn't settle right. Cause I don't feel sick. I just feel like this is, you know, that was bad. Something was bad, but I don't feel like it's the next level bad. In other words, sometimes you eat something. It doesn't agree with you. It's just out.

It's out and it passes. Can I tell you, as in a metaphor, somebody who's a severe phobia of vomiting. Yeah. What you did, like first of all, I won't even eat whole food sushi. Have you ever seen me do it? No, because I'm in a meta. I am so terrified of vomiting. Number two, whenever I choose an item of food that's out, this is going to sound crazy,

but this is one of my crazy food phobia things. I always choose the item that's farthest back. Put your, always put your hand. Put it there. Yeah. They put the oldest shit in the front. Yeah. So whenever I choose eggs, milk, chicken, rotisserie chicken, always go for the back,

dude, because those are the freshies. That's the fresh shit. The dry shit's in the front, dude. I bet you picked the fucking first one, huh? No, I don't remember how I picked it, but I do remember this. Nasty. Don't eat that shit again. The next morning I woke up and I was like, I don't remember.

Wait, how many shits did you make after this? Just one. But it was water. Yeah, it was bad. It was a seven. Yeah. I ended up having the full fucking Bristol stool chart over the next few days. But yeah, it was, it was just, yeah, it was fucking water.

So that was like, yeah, okay. Okay. I'm sorry. I'm just trying to do the shit lock and we're doing an autopsy on it. The next morning I wake up and I have this basically, you've heard, I'm sure people talk about the coffee that has like a grass-fed butter and MCT oil and basically it's richer, but it's, it, you get like good fats and it's, it's almost like a meal replacement also, you know, and anyways, I have just that for breakfast, right?

After seven diarrhea, which. Well, no, but the seven is fucking, I don't know, man, like 12 hours earlier and I feel fine. I don't feel, yeah, I don't feel sick. But you're probably a little dehydrated. A little bit. Yeah. Yeah.

But I have that and it satiates you. So I'm like, I'm not, I'm not eating other foods and I don't feel like I need food right away. This all makes sense now after you, we're doing it this way. I know what happened. I'm with the boy. I feel fine. He has breakfast a few hours later. I don't know.

Oh, we, you know, I take him to the park. He has some snacks. He has lunch. Then I have an avocado, like as a kind of midday snack. Then a couple hours after that, nanny comes over, right? So now it's like two in the afternoon. So I've been with him all eight hours already. But you haven't eaten like real solid yet.

That's why I know. And that's why you were confused about where you got the poisoning from. Yeah. Because I haven't really eaten anything else to push out the jams. Right. So then it's getting, like I said, it's round two and I'm like, now I'm getting hungry, but I also don't want to, you know, I have like things that I eat, things I don't eat. Right.

So I have this like keto like fuel pack. Where I eat that just to, it has like some calories, some fat and then I go work out. But I make note, like I never do this, but when I go to the trainer, I go, I gotta tell you, like I feel white and I also am very tired. I've been up since six and it's two and I haven't stopped. So like I said, it's, it is eight hours that I've been going. And I'm like, I'm just really tired. I'm really tired.

So the trainer's like, you know, why don't we, I've never asked for that. Just like, why don't we like amend some things? You knew something was up. I knew something was up. And I go, and I, and I hesitated to say something because I don't want to be like, we take it easy on me today. Yeah. But I go, but you should, but you should like, what's the shame in the game?

I just like, it's just not normally how I do it. So I just go, I just go, I think I should, and she was a hundred percent was like, oh, we'll just, uh, we'll do lower intensity. But, you know, so, you know, even through the workout, like it was all right. I didn't feel great, but I didn't feel sick. I just didn't feel great. And I thought I was just really tired, which I also was. And you probably were, you know, low on electrolyte.

Yeah, exactly. You dehydrated yourself further with coffee. You didn't eat, I told her, I'm dehydrated. I didn't eat right today. Yeah. And I'm tired and I haven't, you know, I've been with my kid for eight hours. I'm, I'm a lunacy. Yeah.

So speaking of water, where's yours? It's right here. I've been actually drinking it. I'm the actual one who's been drinking. So I get home and the night before I'd also, when I was at Whole Farts, I bought a steak and I seasoned it and I was like, I'll eat it after I work out. Right. So I get the grill ready at this point.

I'm actually hungry, but you know, you got to wait for your coals to turn. So it's like kind of waiting more to eat, which is like annoying me. Yeah. I finally throw that thing on like around, I don't know, probably 445. I'm eating by whatever, let's say five o'clock I'm eating. So I eat about half of it and then I go, okay, I don't want the other half. No, that's not like you. You felt full quickly.

That's as, that's another thing. Is that when you, when you're sick? Food sick, you feel fuller. Yeah. Your stomach's like creating mucus and shit. Yeah. Or whatever it's doing is telling you, stop eating fatty. Yeah.

You're about to get sick. I know. So then the other thing is then I started to have indigestion. I'm like, I don't feel like, you know, what is it? Why do I have indigestion? I don't know. I like it. And then I get to the point where, so now it's like around seven or something,

where I'm like, you know what? Because I'm pretty much not just like sugar free, but starch and carb free. Right. Like I don't eat bread or pasta or anything, but I'm getting that feeling where like I have to put some starch in me or I'm going to feel. When you're sick? I know, but I'm saying I don't know I'm there yet. So I'm like, it's, I'm trying to.

But you're diarrhea. That wasn't enough for you to know. 20 hours earlier once. Right. That's not a big deal. I mean, that's, it's gone. Like. But usually one bout of diarrhea and I'm like, I have to have toast.

I have to put some starch in me. Because it doesn't feel like that at the time. It just feels, it goes and it's fine. So now I'm like, I got to eat something in my stomach to feel normal. Right. So I make it, I do make it toast. I put some peanut butter on it. I eat it.

I don't feel great. Like afterwards I'm like, oh, fuck. I still don't feel good. I keep burping and I have all this indigestion. I have a spot at the store. So Nanny looks at me and she goes, you look really tired. I go, thank you. I love when she does that.

I go, I am. I go, I don't want to go do this show right now. But I have to, you know, because I still, I'm not like sick sick. I just don't feel up to it. I go to the store. It's really fun shows or show there is really fun. Great, great night out. Great.

But as soon as I'm done, I gotta go home and I get home. I still have indigestion. I have another toast. I still don't feel good after I eat it. I go to bed. I have all this weird stomach feeling going to bed, not pain. It's just like anxious and weird feeling in my stomach. You know, I can't explain it.

It just doesn't, it feels uneasy. Like it doesn't, it's just don't feel relaxed. I don't know what's going on. I wake up a few times throughout the night. No problems. I don't go to the bathroom. I just, I just don't feel good in the morning. I wake up and like within 30 minutes, the floodgates are open.

Yeah. I'm just going and I'm with him alone. So worse. And I'm like trying to take care of him, feed him, play with him and keep him entertained. And I'm going like two, three, four, five times. So that's when I realized like, oh, I got like something in me now. So I finally, I text her because you're gone. And I go, is there any way you can come sooner?

Because I don't feel like I can keep doing both. She gets back to me after a while and she's like, yeah, I'll get there as soon as I can. And then I just go, go, I don't know. Probably total of eight or nine times in an hour and a half or something. I'm so wiped after that that when she gets to the house, I sleep and this is like mid to late morning. I sleep four straight hours, right? Just completely passed out.

And then of course I wake up like I feel dead. I don't have any energy. So I have some toast after a little while, water, and then after a while after that, you know, you start to kind of feel like, okay, I'm getting better now. I mean, not to eat crazy or anything, but like you start eating, you know, a cracker, a little bite of banana or something. And then the scale changes. I start to have like, like a five and then the next day, I'm like, oh,

I have low energy, but I guess I'm better now. I eat something normal and I'm like back to like six and like, it takes another 24 hours to feel like today I feel like I'm 85% normal. Yeah, it takes three to four days. Yeah. For Darroia, but I got straight up sushi food poison. Now the good thing is you didn't eat a lot of that. Was it albacore that was fish smelling?

A bite and a half, yeah. But that, because raw fish, that shit will take you down. If I had eaten, if I had four, if I was like, who cares and just eaten six? You would be in the hospital. Can I tell you too, the panic that you put into me, you texted me Saturday morning as I'm coming home from Fartnix and you go, I have a stomach bug. And to someone that has a phobia. I said a bug and I should have said food poison.

Yeah. And to me who has a severe phobia of vomiting. Yeah. My world starts to fucking spin. I'm like, oh, what am I going to do? Can I go to a hotel? How do I not get near him? I have to fortify myself like, I fucking lose my mind.

I know. Oh, I hate it so much when that, that's the scare. So anyways. And thank God you didn't have a fucking stomach flu. I'd be, I swear, we haven't had one knock on wood yet with a boy. It's going to, it's going to, it's happening. Of course. I'm just going to check myself and I'm going to go to the hospital.

I'm just going to check myself into the hotel. Sorry. See you later. No, I understand. I know, I know that's your issue. Some backlash, some feedback I should say over last week's personality debate. That wasn't even a debate. You know, I have a feeling you, you coerced people.

I'm just saying I didn't feel genuine. You know, not at all. Hey, mommies, I'm listening to the podcast. You guys are talking about personalities. How friendly or curt people are at airports. Toronto is known as the screw face capital of the world. We're not openly aggressive to you, but we never make small talk. During a caribana, a huge West Indian festival, we get a lot of people from New York coming

across the border. I've talked to a few of them. They all mentioned the same thing. Toronto is as friendly as a brick to your face. I had no idea about this. Disagree. I've had nothing but wonderful experiences in Toronto. And this is Anton from Toronto.

Okay. So he's talking about just personality. Maybe it's your personality, Tuan. Hey, mommies, I'm a little behind in the podcast. Blah, blah, blah. I'm certainly something about my butthole PS. I'm team Christina finally for the better personality. Yeah. No, I was not paid.

But I have some loan debt if you are offering. Thanks, Aubrey. I guess she wants you to pay her. Okay. Thank you, Aubrey. Let's see. Check is in the mail. Hey, mommies.

Another one here. Love you, Jeans. Mommie Tina is the water and personality champ, for sure. Mommie Tom showboats, but he's stronger. But she's stronger in both categories. Yeah, I agree. Thank you. She's Christ.

Here's one. Hey, Hitlers, my wife and I were able to glass main Mommie Tina in Fartnecks last night, May 4th. I have never seen Tommy Buns live or met him in person, but I still feel I am more than qualified to put an end to the personality champ, water champ debate. First off, when Jean was on stage, if she wasn't saying something hilarious, she had a bottle of water to her lips

and she had her throat opened fully, like a chubby ASU sorority sister for a maximum non-Yorki sippage. After the show, she ran to the front lobby to show off her shiny personality to all the adoring fans. She took the time to show a genuine interest in every person. As I approached the mother goddess herself, I got a little nervous and the feeling can only be described as how a young, preteen German boy probably felt meeting Hitler for the first time.

Jesus. But she immediately put my nerves to rest. She was genuine in her thanks for us coming to the show. This email should put to rest all the arguing over who the water champ and the personality champ is. I don't want to hear anything more on these subjects as I have put them to bed. That's Jeremy Zimzer.

Thank you, Jeremy Zimzer. I, you know what? Thank you. That's it. That's the debate. You know, it's really fun to do shows and then there's always like one drunk mommy when you walk out on stage. She goes, hey, Hitler.

And then the people who don't know that stuff are like... I'm experiencing a few more than one, just so you know. It's a bit of a thing. Tommy Boy, what's up, brother? It's Joe Rogan. Hey, dude, I heard you're having some kind of a contest with Christina. Like, you guys are having a competition to see who has the best personality, which was crazy when I heard it.

Because I didn't even know she had a personality. I mean, she's a really funny comedian and everything like that. But like, I barely even know when she's talking. It's so weird that you guys would have a competition about this. Obviously, you've got a way better personality. You don't have a personality. But, you know, my advice to you, though, is to like humor her. Like, pretend that she has a good personality.

Because she's the mom of your kid, you know what I'm saying? Good point, Jen. Anyway, brother, I hope all is well. Let's get together and do some guy shit later. So ridiculous. Anyways. Yeah, you clearly influenced that voicemail. That's kind of random that Joe would just call like that.

Yeah. Kind of rando. You think so? Yeah, my favorite was... Hey, it's Mary Lynn, right, Cub? I mean, I've been thinking about this a lot. And I just, obviously, Christina is a really good friend of mine and being a woman, you know, we talk about a lot of stuff together.

And I feel very close to her. Very good friend of yours. And so, you know, having said that, it's clear that... And well, it's not clear, but I also, you know, I've been around Tom a lot and because I know Christina said, well, Tom is just personality. Like if I were to say personalities overall. And I think Christina would agree with this.

She's just, she's very up and down. And I think Tom, my experience with you is that you're very even-keel. Consistent. And you are very measured. You're very logical. Yep, okay. You know, you're very cool-headed. Yep.

And you're also really cool. Yep. You know, you're just cool. You're cool to be around. You remember, like, so many issues. What a traitor. Um, so... Big fan.

Tom does have a better personality. But I'm just saying that generally, but not that I hang out with you. Another... Just not going to hang out with you. You do have a better personality. Okay, bye. Wow.

That's one of your friends, Mary Lynn Rice. That's like a very good friend of mine. Very talented actress. Yeah. Very talented comedian. Yeah. And, you know, someone who I've always enjoyed being around. Huh.

Definitely a bigger fan of me. I don't even know you guys hung out. When are you hanging? Talk to her at the store? I saw her at the store, yeah, Thursday night. Talk to her. It's interesting that, I mean, she came over. I'm like, we moved in here a few times, but, you know...

Well, I'm just floored at the level of tradership here. Yeah. We got Shawna, my BFF, Mary Lynn, my BFF, just crazy. Joe? Joe, yeah. I mean, that's preposterous that he would chime in on this. You've spent a decent amount of time with him. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. I mean, he basically, he doesn't even think you're alive. Joe made it real clear. He did. Gosh, I'm going to have to ask him about this. Yeah, you'll see him. Devastating. You should tell him.

I will. I'm going to let him know. It's ridiculous. But I mean, a lot of people are, you know, I mean, yeah, we're getting emails from whoever, but... Not whoever, the mommies, the fans of this show, who listen to us hours, hours, hours, and unanimously, after my shows in Fartnecks, I have lines of people telling me

how much better my personality was and how much more water I drink. Hi, Hiller. I used to masturbate to Christina Pajewski when she was on MTV. 00:45:35,480 --> 00:45:35,720 Thank you. So this is hard to say. I feel like Tom's personality can only prop hers up so much. You know what I'm saying?

Beyond the beautiful, repaired cleft palate, Christina may glow on stage, but on the podcast, she has a lighter shade brown. I feel like Christina could stay on camera, but maybe mute her and have her personality double on the mic. Like Charo, Fran Drescher, Phyllis Diller, and William Hickey. Just a suggestion. I feel like that would take your podcast to the next level.

So rude. Thanks, Gene. Jeff. Thanks, Gene. Yeah. Singular. That is so rude, Jeff. I don't, I don't...

Now, this one... I don't even like you anymore. I don't know if you're ready for this. Oh, no. Maybe brace yourself. Just get comfortable. Is this a celebrity one too? No, it's just like, it's just people weighing in.

People? People call. Who's it? My dad? I already know he hates me. Is my mom... Actually, I actually thought about that. Is my mom back from the grave to disapprove of me some more?

I get it. You don't like me. Yeah. Fran. I've been in a college for a couple of days. Sarah Burns. But I keep kind of overthinking it. You've known her 20 years.

Not calling you. And I'll tell you the truth. So, the second I heard your voicemail, my first thought was, I'm going to say please don't help Christina I called, but I would never want to have a secret between you and me that didn't include her. She's a dear friend.

Yeah. I love Christina. I've known her for a really long time. And she's close. Yeah. She's more than a friend to me. And she's... Sisters.

But I feel kind of compelled to call because I've been listening to the podcast and... I just... I want to... Well, before I say anything, I just want to say that Christina... She's... She's like...

I don't know what a sister's like if I'm an only child, but, you know, she's bigger than that to me. And she's... She's so generous with me. Yeah. She's... I buy her stuff all the time. She's a little gift that I don't even expect to get

for no reason at all. And she's always... She's been there for some very tough times for me and been very, very good on... Unjudgmental or non-judgmental or... Unjudging friend to me. And I sometimes feel like I'm one of the crazier people she probably knows, but...

She doesn't make me feel that way when I'm talking to her. I'm a great person. Great friend. I feel really bad saying this because she's always been so funny and so pretty. She's like... I'd say she's my prettiest friend. And she just...

I mean, she's the first person in my life that I've ever just went up to and... It's true. ...and... ...sup. It's true. How have you been? I met her a cigarette.

And we became friends. And I was dressed like a total dork. It wasn't even cool. And I was just... Like, I didn't even see. I just saw this person going to be my friend. So in college, you just walked up to... Yeah, that's how we met Sarah Burns.

Shawna, who also called into the show, who... You filled her head with lies. Yeah, she walked up to us in San Francisco and we just became friends, literally. Just like, hey, do you have a cigarette? And we never meet people that way. Yeah. So you and Shawna were together.

We were walking together. We were walking to PFM, the name of the cafeteria back then. And we walked up. We see Burns. She's wearing denim overalls. This is like the 90s. I think I've seen that picture of her. Yeah, dude.

That's exactly right. Is that the day you met her in that picture? No, no, no. She wore those overalls. And I saw her and I remember going, oh, that chick's fucking cool. Like she looked all crazy and cool like we did because we were goth, you know?

And I was like, this chick's weird too. Let's go talk. Let's... I want to talk to this weird chick. She came up to us. Hey, hi, what's up? Do you have a cigarette? And then that's it.

We walked to the cafeteria together and three of us were BFFs since then. And that was 1994. And that's how long we've been friends. Damn. Isn't that crazy? Yeah, I wonder who she likes more. She is my friend.

And she's like my best friend. And when she found you, I was so happy for her. And I just felt like she's going to get it together. And she's going to be happy and tell him I'm going to help. Could you come in? You come into a room and it's just like, you're so funny and you're just like, Christina is so funny. You guys together are like, I can't keep up with you guys.

It's just like... She's really suffering. You're cool and you're calm and you're... I'm so glad I know you and I'm so glad you married Christina. Yeah. But you've got a better personality than her. And I think we all know this. Burns.

We all know this. I don't want you guys to fight about it because you guys are so good together. How dear are you, Sarah? And your child is so beautiful. Thank you. And this petty shit has got to stop. Yeah, I agree.

I'm sorry to interfere. I love you guys. And I'll just burn, by the way. Trader. I can't believe it. All of you guys, do you have hope? Not after that, Sarah. Is she out?

She's done. She's dead to me. Sarah Burns was in Big Little Lies recently. Yeah. She's been... In the light and I love you, man. Had to get away with murder. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Scandal. Is she in that one too? I don't know. She did that the second season or whatever. She does drug history. You know, Sarah.

No, what's that hot American song? Yes, yes, yes. That's her. She's just... That was the last thing. I don't know if it's out yet, though. Yeah. Wow.

Well, I mean, I'm usually proud of both my accomplished friends, Mary Lynn and Sarah, but not anymore. I'm going to have to rethink those friendships, and Joe, for that matter. I like how Joe's like, did she even have a personality? I mean, these are people just speaking from the heart. Right.

Clearly. I mean, Sarah, that was... You see how emotional she got? It was excruciating for her. That was hard for her to say the truth. Yeah, the truth. Yeah. It was really hard.

How much did you pay my friends? Nothing. Nothing. I just... It just... It hurts. There's a Midwest Tina Mommy. You got the...

God, it looks good on me, though. John and Kate hair. Not so far from the road rules haircut I had. Not that far. Yeah. There's just a little cool thing on top there in the back. Yeah, because Alan gave me that cut back in the day, and it was the exact front, but not that spiky.

Would you do that hair again or no? Road rules hair? No, I'm not cute enough. What do you mean you're not cute enough? I mean, you got to be 20 to have that cute-ass haircut. Really? Not as a 40... No, no, no, no.

You got to be young and cute. I remember that when that show blew up, John and Kate, I'm talking about. Yes, not road rules, definitely. As somebody with little interest in women's fashion, every time I saw her, I'd be like, the fuck is up about these hair? It's so bad.

She really, she really trademarked that haircut. 00:53:05,000 --> 00:53:06,280 That is the Midwester Mom. And her outfits were just super K-Marty, like super khaki, shorts, sports, George. I mean, she had eight children. Yeah, she got time really soon. But the hair was inexcusable.

Inexcusable and also a haircut that's like, stay away from my vagina. Stop fucking me. Patrick made this by the way. Thank you. Very nice. Thank you, Patrick. Very nice. That is a haircut that does repel penises.

The only reason you get that is to be like, knock it off. Somebody said this is overwhelming evidence that you're not the main mommy. That's not, it's a whole ass picture. Yeah, and guess what? There's only one person in this group not wearing jeans. Look at this denim, denim, denim, denim. This is 1990.

And here's you. No denim. This is such a weird time those late 90s where beautiful women wore really baggy pants. Such a waste of eye candy. Thank you, Victor. And Jonathan's the post of the C photo evidence. Tina can't be the main mommy.

She's the only one not wearing jeans. How do you know I'm not wearing jeans under those cargo pants? What? Are you really? I may have been wearing denim underwear. You ever thought about that? Jesus.

You don't even know what the fuck I got. Wow. That's really something. Can we talk about our romantic shower? This morning? Yeah. Yeah. There was big progress from the hobo shower. The infamous hobo shower.

That was foul. Gosh, that was over a year ago. No, was it a year ago? We lived in that old house. It was in the other house, yeah. So the hobo shower, you came in, you started peeing, and it smelled like coffee. Coffee, like a pot of coffee.

Just pure coffee. And that's when the hydration thing started. Because I'm like, do you even drink water? Because it's ours, it's coffee. And then I spread the cheeks. Yeah. Clean that, burped, blue snot rockets. I feel like I maybe farted.

Of course you did. And then, I don't know if there were some burps. Burps, yeah, maybe. It was really sexy. And you know what's funny is that we haven't showered together since, actually. It's been a minute. And this morning, you were in the shower before me,

and I thought, why not try to spice things up? Romantic time. Nanny's here. I get in the shower with you, and I start grabbing your cheeks, playing with you, whatever, playfulness, trying to make a nice romantic married moment. And you started blowing your nose. Yeah.

This is, I'm trying to like, hey, let's be playful. Maybe this will go somewhere. I was playful. I know you're still sick, so I'm not going to force anything here. I was playful. But then you started to blow your nose. In the shower. In your hand, in the shower.

Right. And then the part that's really special with you is that your beard collects all your boogers. So it's not like the boogers end up on the shower floor. They're all in your beard. It's not okay. How did I rinse it off? No, you don't, because you can't see the boogers.

Rinsing until it goes away. Yeah, but you, I had to keep telling you, there's still boogers in your beard. There's still boogers in your beard. And then you kept rinsing and rinsing. I'm going to throw up, get out of my fucking face. I had to kick you out. And then you go, and then you,

and then you made me wash your asshole, remember? Oh yeah, that was kind of neat. So I washed your beehull like I do Ellis. Yeah. And your beans and stuff. But then you... That's, I consider that super progress, by the way. For what?

So the ultimate goal of you playing with my beehull, because I got you, yeah, because I got you to kind of run your finger along it a little bit. Oh my God, you guys are so disgusting. You, I had you soap up the crack a little bit. And you did it very cursory kind of. Of course, I'm not getting in there.

But I wanted you to really get in there. Like I do for my son. But for you, there's so much hair. I know. That I couldn't find the beehull if I wanted, because it's covered. There's a real wall of hair in your crack. So I need that, that butthole washer that we have.

Yeah. I'm kind of, kind of on board with the waxing now because... Yeah, right? Yeah. I think it's too much hair. Maybe, maybe make an appointment for me. Will you, as the president? Sure.

For my 40th, 41st birthday. Yeah. For my birthday. Get my butthole waxed. You wax your asshole. It's bad, Tom. I know. There's a lot of hair.

I know. I didn't realize until I put my hand in there today. I was soapy. I was like, dude, there's so, it's so much hair. So much hair. But thanks again for blowing your nose in the shower. That was really special. I didn't piss.

I didn't fart and I didn't burp. That's big progress. That's true. Yeah. That's true. Yeah. Yeah. But you'll notice it's been a year since we showered together.

So make it, think about next year what's gonna happen. That should be great. A year later. Yeah. We'll do another one next year. Oh, man. One of the symptoms I had before I was discovered with Crohn's disease. It's interesting.

Well, let's just say I knew something didn't feel right down there. You know, in the crotchety, crotchety, crotchal area. And anyway, in mid P, midstream, I hear a very strange sound. Oh, no. Okay. That emanated from my penis. And the sound, the only way to describe this, let me just demonstrate. I'm peeing.

I'm peeing. I'm peeing. I'm peeing. Everything's fine. I'm peeing. It's all peeing. I'm like, what the fuck was that? Out of your pee hole?

Yeah. Damn. So I stopped peeing for a second, you know. Damn. And uh, I don't know what to do. I was like almost afraid to start peeing again, but now I'm starting to burn, you know, because if you stop yourself mid P, it's uncomfortable.

Imagine that. And he wasn't even sure yet, though, but yeah. What you doing, homie? You're taking a piss, homie. So I started letting little droplets out and then I get at the confidence to let that stream flow again. It starts to flow again. No, son.

Have you a dick hole? I mean, I freaked out. Yeah. And uh, because this sound sounded like a, it sounded like a fart. It sounded like a fart. A fart. Sound was coming from my penis. That's bananas.

Never even heard of that. Well, fart sounds come out of vaginas. That's different though, because air is getting pushed into there. Yeah. How do you fart out of your penis? Well, it's kind of normal for us. So I can't really. Right.

But you understand why that air is coming out. Well, I know there's, how does the air get into your pee hole? That's what we're exactly what I'm saying. This, this is so strange. Then I got up early the next morning to do my morning pee. I don't know. And then the same freaking thing happened. Same.

Oh my God, dude. What the fuck? Man, I was just so scared. So I had to tell someone because what if it was a major medical problem? I don't know. So I went into my mom's bedroom and I tried to explain to her that after I pee that there's a sound that comes out of my deck. And she asked like, what kind of sounds?

And I'm like, well, a kind of, what kind of sounds like a fart, mom? Geez. Ask them, will you ever date your mom? And she said, well, is that normal? I'm like, I said, I don't know. I mean, I don't know. I don't know if it's normal. I mean, does Scott fart through the penis?

You ever hear of anyone farting through the penis? Oh, terrible. Mom, has anyone, she's like, I don't know. I don't have a penis. I have a vagina. I don't fart, you know what? I fart out of my vagina. So she said, you know, I, you know, maybe I'll, um, maybe I'll call Rick, you know,

I'll call Ricky's mom. I'll ask if it happens to Rick was one of my friends. I'm like, no, no, no, don't tell anyone. Yeah, of course. Don't tell Scott, my brother, don't tell anybody. This is some crazy shit. By the way, as a kid, there's got to be nothing worse than confiding in a parent and they'll like, I'll go call this other person and tell them all about it.

That is the, I remember so many conversations where I'd be like, can you fucking not tell anybody this? My mother did that to me constantly. To the point where I stopped telling her things when I was 12. Yeah. Of course. I kept so many secrets. Because she would constantly backstab, tell everybody, tell my stepdad,

tell my dad shit that I don't want people to know. It's a really bad thing to do as a parent. I know. It's really fucked up. I was really annoyed by that. Because I have a lot of empathy for this guy. Not cool. Scott, Scott, I just spoke to Todd and I think he said he's farting through his penis.

He said, I was wondering, Scott, do you, do you fart through your penis? Has that ever happened? Oh my God. Has that ever happened to you? What? Farting? No. Nobody farts it.

It'd be fart through your asshole. Good point. Next thing I know, he comes running into our room. Todd, dude, you're farting through your dick. You're farting through your dick. Christ, this is my life. So it's Crohn's disease, huh? I guess, but I still don't know how that happens.

Pre-diagnosis. He was farting through his dick. But how does that happen? I have no clue. It sounds bananas. The air has to find its way into what? Your bladder? I don't know.

That's, I mean, that pocket of air has to. Either it goes in or there's air in your bladder that needs to come out. That's what I'm saying. Right. So either the air gets in or out. I don't know. The air's not getting in. Into your dickhole.

No, that's not happening. So air somehow is seeping into his bladder. Oh, fuck an A. It's terrifying. That's, yeah. Well, thanks for playing that. Yeah, no problem. Can we talk about-

You fart through your asshole! Let's talk about. So for the, we haven't had clocks on both of our bedside tables. No, what happened was we lived in Redondo and you had the alarm clock on your side of the bed. And I never had one on mine because I didn't have an outlet near my nightstand. And so I reasoned. My reasoning was, well, there's no outlet.

I guess I can't have a clock on my nightstand. Right. Rather than getting a battery powered one, maybe. I was so stupid. So for years, I didn't have one on my side because I couldn't figure out how. And then we moved twice since Redondo. And then don't forget that in the last place, we also had one charger for a phone on one side. And then one day we had a breakthrough moment where we said, you know what?

We could plug an extension cord and then there could be a plug for you on the other side. And we were like, wow, it's a really big moment. All right. The extension cord idea was, you know, there's no outlet there, but we could put a power source there through an extension cord. It was a big, big breakthrough. It took us months and months to put this together. And then that was the thing where we're like, oh yeah,

just because that thing's not there doesn't mean you can't figure out a way to make it work. This time, I am constantly asking you what time it is. You see me leaning over to see the clock. I caught you at four in the morning. You went to take a piss and then you walked over to my side of the bed and leaned over me to look at my clock. And that's when it occurred to me, I woke up that morning and I go, poor Tommy is walking to my side of the bed.

I go, I know, I'll buy him his own alarm clock. Own clock. And guess what? I got it. I can now tell the time on my side. What the fuck is wrong with this? Let's take this. And you've been without a side clock for how long?

I mean, we're coming up on, I mean, in this home, what? It's November. Five, six, seven months or so. And then in the last place, another, close to a year, going on two years where I don't get to see the time at night, when you want to know, is it midnight? Is it three, six? Right.

And then before that, I live that way in Rondondo every night. What time is it? And I wear a watch during the day at night. But then I remember in Rondondo Beach going, why don't we put a clock on the wall so we can both see it from the bed? And then like that, that theory just ended. Like, what is wrong with us that we both, it doesn't occur. It's like, just for, you know, a few bucks, you can buy a fucking.

We don't have the figure it out. We have a deal with it. You deal with what you got. You just work around. There's a workaround for that. God damn it. How does it feel though? Like last night was your first night being able to tell the time whenever you want.

Was that crazy? It was really cool. Like I knew at the time I was going to bed. I was like, oh, it's all right. Going to bed now. And then you woke up in the morning and I go, Tom, what time is it? You go 620. Yep, I knew it.

It was awesome. It felt empowering. Hello and welcome to how to create a perceptual map using Excel. My name is Jeff. Excel is the worst. Through the process review today. Hate Excel. As an alternative, I already have three ready to use Excel template that is.

There's nobody more arrogant than someone that's mastered Excel. They talk about it like, oh, you don't know how to make toast. You just fucking put the bread and you press the button. Dude, Excel is so hard. I already showed you once. God, you highlight in his control L seven. You got to highlight the column and then it's the sum of all these things. You can make in minutes.

And that's available at the sexual maps.com. Yeah. Over here. The first thing you need to do. Ah, having flashbacks. So you need a list of brands, at least two attributes. Dude. The attributes scored.

Fuck off. And then if you want to, this is optional. Yeah. And include a market share. Well, it's definitely boring. But you think they would have created a program more intuitive than Excel? Because Excel is so counterintuitive. You have to take a fucking class to learn how to do it.

So how is that a useful program? It's so hard. It's very hard. God, I almost fucking flunked that class. Every time, I mean, when did they start teaching us? Do you remember that when they started teaching us Excel things? I was in college and I had to learn it from my statistics class.

And my friend Bronwyn was good at it. So I paid her in beer to do my homework because I could not figure out Excel. By the way, did you see this that Stephen Segal has been banned? Of course. People have been sending this to me nonstop. The last time I asked the CIA to provide me with people and answers, they gave me people and answers that answered my questions the way they wanted it to be answered. The Ukraine has banned Stephen Segal as a national security threat,

making him the latest of several cultural figures to be blacklisted. The Ukrainian security service said it had forbidden Segal entry to the country for five years. And the letter published by the news site, Apostrophe, the service's press secretary, later confirmed the ban to other media. Letter said such a decision is made when a person has committed socially dangerous actions that contradict the interests of maintaining Ukraine's security. The move comes after the actor received citizenship in Russia, which has backed separatists in a simmering conflict in eastern Ukraine.

President Putin handed Segal a Russian passport and told him he hoped their personal relationship will remain and continue during a meeting in the Kremlin last year. So there you have it. Mr. Stephen Segal is no longer welcome in the Ukraine. That's a pretty big deal. I mean, I am the king of improv, if you'll forgive my saying. I do forgive you. Good for the Ukraine.

Yeah. Good thinking. Why does he need Russian citizenship? I mean, Well, he's of Russian ethnic origin. Is he? Yeah. I had no idea.

Well, then that makes sense. Yeah, but it's also because I think it's a big part. The big part of it is that in certain parts of the world, he still feels like it's 1992. Yes, baby. Yeah, I know. Eastern Europe, they still like it. Oh, fuck, man, you kick a lot of people's ass.

Still get excited by him. Want to see this woman speaking of karate? Oh, my God, yeah. Listen to this woman. Oh, fuck. Yeah, dude. This is a... That's a woman during a karate exhibit.

She's feeling it. Feeling that shit. This is awesome. It's ridiculous. She's great. That is ridiculous. I hope she won. She deserved it.

For that level. Why are you screaming like that? It's not necessary. It's bananas. It doesn't. It's weird. They don't tell you to scream like that. No.

And usually, the funny thing is, her screams don't align with the point of impact. Yeah, you're supposed to go. Usually, it's as you punch, as you move. She's like screaming right before she moves. It's very peculiar. Yeah, the timing's off. Yeah.

It's crazy. She's a crazy person. See, she's not even screaming during the kicks. Let's go, Sarah. All right, Sarah. Fucking psycho. Brain it in, Sarah. This really looks like some bullshit

where she's doing it. Most of these moves look really like some silly bullshit. Oh, my God. Sarah. Sarah. All right, Sarah. Feeling it. Like, that doesn't look like that could kick anybody's ass

what she just did. No, I, you know, I don't know. I agree. It looks like fucking dance moves. I remember when I took Kung Fu and then they teach you like the dragons, whatever movements. You know, it's really just a dance move. You don't really fight people like that.

They just showed. I saw a video of a like a traditionally trained MMA guy. Yeah. Against some Kung Fu master. You don't want to see it. Really? Oh, my God. The MMA guy just pummelled him.

And it was like really bad. It wasn't, it wasn't cool. It's not funny. Like you're a guy was like, you know, trying to deflect some of it. And the guy just beat him like they had to pull him off and they're like, this guy's going to die if you don't stop doing this.

He was a Kung Fu master, you know. Yeah. Yeah. That's no match for MMA, which is what I'm saying. Well, that's, but the guy obviously got involved because he's like, this makes sense. Let's see how these two schools of fight, you know, do against each other.

It was bananas. Yeah. I mean, the guy just, he punched through the guy's ridiculous deflections and just fucking beat him. Beat him. Yeah. Beat him on the ground and just kept pummelling him. And it's like, okay, I think we know which is the better.

All right. Thank you. You know, you fart through your asshole. You know what I mean? Yeah. That's the whole point, I think. Yeah. Dad boner fishing.

This can happen today. I can win this classic. That's 10 pounds. I just made up my, I just made up my difference. That's a 10 pounder, bro. Okay. God, thank you. I can win this.

That's 10 pounds. I just made up the difference. Mark Zola, Mark Zola, this one's for you. Okay. Okay. Good. Yeah. That's a dad boner.

Yeah. But again, I feel like, you know, it makes sense why he's excited. He was obviously behind. Like he was like, this is making other words. He probably caught something earlier. It wasn't as big. He won whatever competition he's in. Yeah.

So, you know, I celebrate his dad boner reaction with him. Yeah. I do too. I like those sporty glasses. Those are always a real dad fashion move. And sexy, right? Definitely. The multicolored, shiny.

With the rope. Oakley, only with the rope. Yeah. You got to have the rope. How's it going to stand on your head? Well, if you're fishing, you got to have the rope. That's why you wear them. You know.

Because you're fishing? Yeah, because they could fall off. That's right. That's the rope. I'm saying, I like the dads who wear it just like. Walking around. In the airport. That's what I'm saying.

It's also because it isn't what dad doesn't want to lose it. But on the boat, it makes the most sense. Yeah. But it's cooler when you carry it off the boat. Certainly. I also like the dads who put the glasses in front of like on their chest. Like you wear them backwards. You let them hang.

No, I'm sorry. You let them hang backwards on your back. Sorry. Oh, the back shirt. Yeah. Yeah, like you. They tuck them into the back. You can do that.

Yeah. That's kind of, I wasn't even thinking. Or if you want to go to the Guy Fieri. That's what I'm saying. You put them on the back of your head. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. So there's sunglasses facing backwards. Guy kind of patented that move.

Yeah. Really sexy look. Yeah. Yeah. Real dad reaction right there. Seriously. Let's see here. Seriously?

Seriously. Let's see. Guy Fieri. You know what a douchebag. Sunglasses. It's kind of like, I don't have anything against Guy Fieri personally. No, of course not. But as an aesthetic, it's a really douchebag aesthetic, right?

Yeah. Isn't it? It does. So see how he puts them on. That's crazy. The back of his head. Yeah. It's like, he's like the poster boy for a douchebag.

Just aesthetically. I mean, again, I don't know him as a person. Yeah. But the whole vibe is like, I'm a fucking. I know. Like it's weird, right? That he embraces the douchebag look. I think, you know, that's just who he is, right?

And also, here's the weird thing. When you want to talk about this, this whole thing has really worked for him. Yeah. No, he's he's really successful. I mean, that's why I'm not shitting on the guy. But as the look, the look is like. And I think, I don't know if this is true or not, but I heard, please tell me this is true.

He has a car collection where they're all like the same color. Are they all fire? Like fire print. I'm sure he likes flames on everything. I think they're all yellow. Yeah. Bright. Yeah, it's like.

It's a real attention seeking color. Yeah. Yeah. He needs a lot of attention. Yeah. So here you see like an old Corvette, a more recent Corvette. There's the flames. Like I said, yeah, there's flames.

He needs flames on everything. Jeep Wrangler looks like there's a Camaro back there, a big pickup. What is this here? Some Dodge, maybe. Yeah. I don't know if it's a fire or is it a quarter. Look at his car collection. I can't believe he makes that much money on that show.

It's amazing, isn't it? Yeah. Oh, good for him. I mean, it's great. That's great. But man, it's totally him to have them all in yellow. Yeah. It's a douchebag.

They're all yellow. They're all yellow. Definitely. That's really weird, man. Really bizarre that he would have that many fucking yellow cars. You'd think that like one yellow would kind of be part of, it would be your collection, right? You'd be like, I got one yellow.

Yeah, I mean, I think you'd want to vary it just to be like, I've got a red Corvette. I've got the yellow Hummer. I've got whatever. Yeah, we should tell him how to collect his cars. We should tell him. It's up to us. I want you to start reaching out to Guy.

Can you please play the Flight Attendant? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you sent me this audio file. This is, well, why don't you set it up? Well, I was flying back home from Fartnix, and I noticed that the woman doing the rules to FDA, whatever, is that FDA? That's a food drug administration.

Yeah, FAA. FAA. Reading the rules, safety stuff. She was really mushy-mouthed and marbled, and she wasn't pronouncing the word. They all jumbled together, so I recorded her. And at first, like- Really weird.

Sounds normal. Yeah. But then as you start listening, you're like, oh, yeah. Like she's just kind of like, yeah. Oh, for us to take them with their mouths, to use the mask until our crew member advises you that subliminal oxygen is no longer needed. Oxygen and the lavatories are held in a plastic retainer clip

to use the mouse. Take the other mouse out of its plastic retainer clip and breathe normally. Yeah. Unlikely, a bit of a water line in your seat under cushion has been carefully designed. It's a flotation device to use that pull it up and take it away to the nearest usable exit

when exiting the aircraft. I'll tell you what's going on here. This is my theory. This bitch is sick of reading that thing. And she also knows by law she has to read it. So her feeling is, let me just get through this thing. That's fast as possible. Because she's not a slow...

What she is doing is she's reading it really fast. She's not stopping where sentences end or where commas are. She's over it. She's just like, and so she's running through it. But also it's like a roll of lights on top of your flotation. It's gonna be like my flotation for that. You know what happens is like,

if she doesn't even pronounce some syllables, she still gets through it faster. Oh yeah. Her first thing is like finish reading the fucking thing. And the life vest you're located in the forward cabin in the event of a water line in your flight. It's an overing the adult with the infant life vest.

01:20:42,280 --> 01:20:44,360 You have a birdie received the information card. Stop there. New parallel. A total of six emergency exits on board this aircraft that may go through it to enter at our service directly across from it. Four additional emergency exits are located over the wings mid cabin.

Two on each side. Exit signs are ready to identify these exits. One zop zop. Zop. Two on the Isles emergency escape route. Finding if we were to evacuate. Follow those lights to the nearest exit. Keeping in mind an exit may be located behind you.

By the way, we're also forgetting a message. She's definitely had some vocal fraud going on. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Megan and I have been together for nearly three years. I will say. All that is going to blockers and instructions from out of your crew.

Regulations from you from tampering with disabling or destroying the spot detectors. Not too lavatory. This is not the door. But it is. Fuck. Because what happens is some of them. You can't understand her.

I think some of them it's their time to shine. In other words, they're performers. Yes. And they say exits are located in above the wings. Right. The rear and the front of the aircraft. Take a moment now to look around and locate the nearest exit.

And they read it like they're reading coffee. Southwest used to do the jokes. Like in the event of a crash landing, of course, there won't be one. Like that dumb shit. I fucking hate the joke reading. I do too. I don't need to be entertained.

But I do need you to enunciate a little bit. I mean, that was just a marbled mess. Next to me going here. Yeah, I know. That's a good one. They're really, really fucking. And Southwest used to really ham it up. I guess they stopped doing that.

But it used to be a lot funny. No, they still do it. They laugh and then. Remember they throw the peanuts down the aisle when the plane is on an incline. Turn on and then they go turn off your cell phones, your blackberries, your blueberries, your strawberries. That's a sin.

And you hear people like that on the plane. Really, really laughing it off. That's right. That blueberry joke, that left with the blackberries. Whenever you're a comedian and you have moments of self-doubt, you're like, am I funny? Is it worth what I'm doing? Go on one of those Southwest flights.

Watch people laugh at those stupid fucking instructions that the flight attendant does. And then you walk away like, come on, the funniest fucking people in the world. Yeah, that'll give you all the confidence you need to have somebody do a fucking seatbelt joke about, make sure if you don't know, I can come over and I'll click it on for you.

You just pull like this. Don't click it over your head. Click it over your waist. And you hear people like that on the plane. You're like, you know what? Yeah, I think I am. I'm a fucking genius. Yeah, I'm funnier than this.

I'm Richard Pryor compared to this dummy. I got to interrupt real quick. A call just came in. Don't know what it says, but I feel like it's worth exploring. I think you're lying. No, I'm serious. I don't know what this is. I think I know what it is.

Hey, Tom, it's burnt again. So it burns. It's been kind of eating me up since I was used that message last week. You know, I've been thinking about it and honestly, I don't, I haven't known you as long as Christina. So I haven't known you as long as her. So like I've been thinking about it and I'm like,

well, I've known you for a couple of years and you've been very charming. And a couple years. I think I love you, Tom. And you know, there's nobody in the world that's better suited for each other than you and Christina. And you know, I'm not kidding your personality, but I was like, wait a second.

And it's the law of averages. You know, I've known her for a million years. And she's been consistently amazing and awesome. Yeah. And she's been such a good friend to me. I can't call you up on the phone and tell you that you've got better personality because Christina, she's like, she's so quick and she's so generous

and she's so bright and silly. And what is this? I buy her stuff. And then sometimes she says to me, I'm like, hi, my brain was like that. So I'm calling because I don't even like being in this position, honestly, because I feel like, you know, it's like very difficult. It's been very emotional.

I left a message in my first thought was like, shit, I should have just kept my mouth shut. And then so, okay. So I'm calling because I want to change. I want to change my thought. You Christina has the better personality and that's that. I knew it. I don't know.

Actually, I knew it. No, I think, I think you have a better personality. I don't know. This is so difficult. I just, it's, no, it's, it's Christina. No, it's you. I don't know. I don't know.

Oh my God. Burns. You've got a personality. Bye. Oh, I can't believe it. Oh my God. You're the worst. Oh, it's great.

She did have some doubt though. That's got to feel good. Because she felt a little bit of doubt about it. What are you paying my friends? Not paying them anything. Don't even know. Mary Lynn, especially. Mary Lynn.

She heard about it when I start the store. She goes, Oh, I heard about the, the personality championship. She goes, your hands down. She didn't. She did not. She did. I'm going to have to do my research.

She did 100% said that. Whatever's, I'm going to have to call these friends. Yep. That top dog laugh. I love so much. His blonde joke laughs. Yeah. Does that bum you out that your dad thinks that stuff's so

funny and you're like, you're like the best working comic out there. Oh, please. And he's like, I love those blonde jokes, buddy. Meanwhile, his own son is like the best comedian in the world. But I, of course you are. But he, of course, but I have this conversation with people. I mean, we've talked about it, but I talked to other people

at the time about how I met with this great writer last week. And he was telling me how he wrote. I don't want to divulge all these things, but basically he wrote an amazing episode of television that is really highly, you know, celebrated and it's really smart and really funny. And his dad was like, I don't even know what you're doing. And his dad's, his dad's a successful, smart guy, but in a totally different field. But then his dad told him about the Borat scene

where he brings the poop down the stairs. He goes, now that's funny. Right. And he was like, you don't think that this like Emmy nominated thing I wrote? No, no, but see, that's why you're in comedy. Yeah, of course. Now, if your parents approved of you,

you'd have, there would be nothing compelling you to tell jokes to strangers and get that approval. You got to get it somewhere. You got to get it somewhere. It ain't from your folks. I know, I know, man. It's crazy. You know, could you imagine who you would be

if your mom and dad approved of you? You, we certainly wouldn't have this show. No, but why would you do it? There'd be no reason to cultivate a personality, to go out there for 15 years, grinding week after week in the clubs. I know what makes my dad laugh. Yeah.

So I can shape something. And I'm not talking about a blonde joke. I'm saying within my wheelhouse, I know what kind of thing would make him laugh. But every once in a while, I'll lob out a, I genuinely think this is funny. Let me see if you do think it's funny kind of thought. Never.

No, silence. Total silence. Yeah. And then like, I'll be like, do you, he goes, what? I've never mind. I'll like, I'll read him. I'll say, I said this about this. Right?

Yeah. I go because he's like, oh, yeah. So I was talking to your mother and he'll just, I'm like, wow, I get bombs so hard. Still, it just doesn't, it's not, it's never going to be the thing. It's never going to be it. Well, you know what?

Thank God for it. Otherwise we wouldn't have the life we have today. Sure. Of course. Thank God. Our parents don't approve. I got a big thing this weekend. I'm going back to Oregon.

You got a bad bite? You got a bad bite this weekend. I'm going back to Oregon. Oregon, I think. Oregon, Oregon. Oregon, Oregon. That's a good one. And I'm doing two shows in Blue Gene,

otherwise known as Eugene, Godux, uh, Oregon, and then Portland. I'm back there. Portland. I believe the early shows, I know the early show in Portland is, is sold out at Revolution Hall. There's still tickets left to the late show,

which I think is at 1030 Revolution Hall Saturday night. Eugene, Oregon. I'm there Friday night and there are still tickets left to the late show. I'm there with Ryan sickle cell, sickler. So if you want to come see us, we're going to both be there. All four shows.

Additionally, I'm coming to Tucson, Arizona. That's Tuxin. Then Reno, Nevada. Reno is what? Chihuahua. Pio, Pio, Pio. And then in Temecula, the Tachanga Casino, Cmecula.

And then I go, I'm in the deep dirty. I'm in Richmond, Virginia Beach, Virginia, Jeansboro, North Carolina, Asville, North Carolina, and Charles Come. Good. South Carolina. That was really good.

That was suggested a lot online. And then I also have, Oh, I'm coming to Montreal, Canada. I'm coming to Montreal. Right before I go to Wilmington, Delaware. And I also go to Hampton Beach. And finally balls and whores, Maryland,

Baltimore, the city that reads. Then off to Australia. And of course, a live podcast with my blue jean on August 20. What Jean? I don't know. August 23rd. In addition to that,

we have added two more live podcasts in Irvine on separate months. Sperm Vine. Sperm Vine, separate months. Here's why it's tough to make it go all the time. So we just added them a few months apart. We're doing one July 9th. That's on sale now.

And another one, we're doing it. I'll click on this here. October, October 8th, which is obviously a long way away, but we've, we've added them already. So July 9th and October 8th, they're 7pm shows at the Irvine Improv. We're going to do a live podcast.

I'm hiring sound engineers to come record. Yeah. You know, and that's another one that we're like, why don't we have a clock next to our bed? We should be hiring sound engineers. We learned our lesson. We're doing it. So those will be,

they'll sound a lot different than the last time, but also there'll be a lot of fun to come to the live show. Gene, Blue Gene. Gene, I am May 19th and 20th in Jewdork titties at Gotham Come On Ya Club. June 1st through 3rd, Denver, Monver. Dongver. Dongver at the Come, Come Works,

Comedy Works, downtown. Jesus. June 16th and 17th, Manfran Disco at the Punch Rine, Camedy Creb. Come see me tickets at thousand ranch.com spelled out. Thank you for everybody who has already come see me.

It's been really, really fun. You guys are very encouraging. Is that it? That's it. And then those live dates you said, you know what I'm saying? You feeling me? I'm talking about.

Oh yeah. I know exactly what you mean. Go to thousand ranch.com and buy some tickets to see those big mushy purples. I love how he says mushy purples. Purples. He punches the P hard. Yeah.

It's a good mushy purples. So funny. This has been in my, the thing here for a while. It says a weird MMA interview. I'm not sure what's going on. I don't know the details, but we can watch whatever this is. Let's see.

This is Dean, the president of Fan TV, and we're here at Dragon House and I'm here with. Matt Major. Okay. Matt looks maybe like he should be 5150 or something. Right. And also non-binary. I prefer not to know anything about my opponent.

Okay. I guess that's what motivates you in taking care of. Let me tell you what motivates me. What motivates me is staying in the dark tunnel. I stay in the dark tunnel because when you're in the darkness, you can't see shit anyway. So what fucking difference does it make to know who this man is?

Right. I get it. Is that eyeshadow? It is. That's why I was thinking it might be a Zim Zerze situation. So, Matt, if I don't know what your opponent's going to expect from you, I don't know what to expect from you, but what school do you fight for, man?

Fighting in the dark tunnel. In the dark tunnel, man. That's kind of scary. Yeah. That's right. That's a good analysis. Yeah. I want to take those meds.

I don't know what to say, Matt. There's all kinds of stuff in the dark tunnel. Do you know what the beavers and the holes are? Zoinks. If this guy was a reporter of committing a horrific crime, it would not be that surprising, right? Yep. Yeah.

If you were a snake and you were in the tunnel in the hole, and a big fat beaver came in there with two buck sharp teeth, you were there with your slippery ass. Right. You think you're going to make it out of here? I don't think so, Matt. I'm the beaver in the hole. Oh, dear.

Yeah. It's a chemical imbalance. See how much funnier though Kevin Weeks is talking about taking a nap? Yeah. It's different. Yeah. Because this is not, see, he's not aware of his world. Right.

You got to stay grounded for it to be funny. True. He'd have one foot in the door of reality. So how do you see this fight ending? It's not that I see an ending. I don't ever want it to end. Oh, jeez. All I want is for it to begin.

Look at this guy smiling. Yeah, because he's fucking terrified. Yeah. I don't know nothing about this guy either. Right now. So it's kind of a scary thing. So, uh, yeah, what's your prediction? My prediction.

Oh, dear Christ. Don't ask any more questions. The rapture. Oh Christ. Okay. That's what I predict. I predict that the vampire aliens are going to get in the middle of this whole thing. Because they're going to be like, we don't want the priory as iron.

Okay. Well, the interview's over. I am the reason for it all. I'm the reason why Silva sat his ass down. He doesn't want to burn in hell. He's either acting. Is that humble your ass, motherfucker? No, boo boo.

Any last words? Just thank you so much for giving me this opportunity. That's hilarious. A lot of people don't want to give me an opportunity, man. A lot of people are fucking free. I don't know why. Well, I'm a bit scared of myself, man. That's hilarious.

Yeah. So Matt Major, Bellator fighter, reputation one of the strangest men. Can't tell if it's a performance or if he's genuinely this strange. I want to see if, since the time this has happened, anything with this guy, I mean, I don't know anything about him. Matt, let's see. Major MMA.

Seems real. I don't know. Eyeshadow's a nice touch, too. Yeah. Maybe he is acting. Is it like I'm the crazy fighter or something? That's what I'm saying. Like he could be playing a role, you know?

Possibly. Interesting choice. Well, it does say this interview with homeless MMA fighter is really weird. Oh, homeless. Okay. There you go. So fucking amen. Say no more.

Matt Major, not actually crazy. Have you been reading the posts on our next door app about the homeless guy? And his undercarriage? Yeah. By the bank. The white people around here are real freaked out by him. Yeah. And it's, by the way, that next door thing, someone got me onto that.

It's super fucking just racially motivated. People are just like, there's a black guy driving. I know. It's kind of depressing when you start. Like as you, what they do is they build up and then you can like see them and they're always like, so brownish guy and you're like, okay. Either that or it's really benign. Like the raccoons are eating trash in my yard.

Can anybody help with the raccoons? Anybody having trouble with the wind? Right. And they're like, mm-hmm. It's always windy. Did you hear the siren? But then there was that really funny one that you shared. Yeah.

Black guy. A black guy wrote, he's like, uh, I'm new in the neighborhood. I am black. If you see me walking around, I like to get fresh air from time to time. Yeah. No need to post. Yeah. That's like a good one, dude.

Yeah. Cause they'll be like, there was a guy sitting in his car and not doing anything, but he was black. Just a heads up. Just a heads up. There's a dark one in the neighborhood. You know, they'll, they'll try to make it sound like they're not being scared. But they'll be like, uh, African-American males were just driving and then not even

doing anything. They're just driving. Just, I don't know if anybody's seen them, but they're in a white car and they're just driving. You know, what's the story though? Yeah. Did they drove? Yes.

Yeah. That's silly. That's silliness. There's nothing going on guys in the neighborhood. Nothing. Not a fucking thing. Nothing to report. All right.

All right, Gene, we should run. J E A N S. No, as it's singular. That's right. It is. Do you want to hear, um, I think we already did Chinese eyes. British accent. Yeah, that's yesterday's news.

Got any coming? Those farts. All right. I think we played that one. You nasty by DJ. Huh. I don't know. There's a bunch of songs, but I don't know which one's been played.

Pushes theme. Oh my gosh. Pushes theme. That's you. Yeah. I'm push. You want to hear that? Yeah.

All right. Push. Push. All right. Thank you guys for listening. Don't forget to go to your mom's house podcast.com, uh, thousand ranch.com. Check out the vlog. Oh yeah.

Yeah. A blue band posted a behind the scenes. He did a really good job. Oh, it's fantastic. Vlog of the last of those Irvine shows we did a couple of months ago. And, um, it's really cool. He did a really good job behind the scenes. You get to see how we get ready,

what we do before and after shows. Yoshi, a special interview with him. It's really good. It's on the, uh, site. Amaze on the YouTube's page. All right. Thanks guys. See you next week.

Wow. Amen. Is that what they say? Wow. I didn't remember that from Catholic school. God bless us a nigga. Nigga. Let's see crazy talk.

That is crazy talking two dig words. How do you fix. You know how they love to chatter on the screen. Oh, they don't go there anymore if you're gonna get stabbed. Dip, dip, nigga. It's crazy. What? Oh my God. Let's drop right after that one.

Take me a second. I didn't make it up. That's what he's saying.