Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 397-Joe Rogan-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: May 24, 2017

Oh Snap! We got the PodFather. The Mighty and Powerful Joe Rogan joins us to discuss all things JEAN.  From the crazy current state of politics to some all time dad boner moments, Joe weighs in on it all.  He even answers the question: Would you date your mom?  Spark one up and pour some out, this is an all-time classic.  Pull em up!

GeneAlert, Denim, Luce, all over, everyone pulled theirs up. We failed to mention that we have a few live podcasts coming up. These are live versions of your mom's house. They're really fun, totally different energy than a studio show. And we have actually four on the books, but three of them are on sale now. The first one coming up in Irvine at the Irvine Improv is what day? Sperm Vine, July 9th. July 9th. Then we do Breast Balm Beach, the West Palm Improv in Florida, and that is August 23rd. August 23rd. And then we are back in Irvine in October. That's also on sale. And then we have one in December that we can't announce yet, but all of those you can go...

If you go to my site, TomSegura.com, and you click on the tour page, you will see all, at the very bottom, the live podcast dates. October 8th will be the... Back at Sperm Vine. There you go. Check it out. Come see the podcast live. Big time shit coming up, Gene. Uh, yeah. Major. Can I go ahead and announce it? I think you should. I mean, I did it during the episode because it's such big news, but I'm proud to announce, finally, my special is taping in Seattle, June 24th, at the Showbox Theater.

Boop, boop, boop, boop. Tickets are available at 1000 Ranch.com. There are two shows, a seven and a 930 taping. I would love to pack that house full of mommies. Why not? So come see me there and then ramping up to it. I just have two weeks left. I'm going to Denver Comedy Works, June 1st through 3rd. Manfriend Disco at the Punchline, June 16th and 17th. And then one last call show before I tape June 22nd here at Flapper's Comedy Club in Burbank in the Yoo-Hoo Room. Again, all links on 1000Ranch.com.

Shit is big time. I'm proud of you. I'm so excited. Proud of you, girl. I got to catch up to you. You've got like, I just farted. You got like two, five specials and six babies and ten marriages. I have a lot of kids. 1000Ranch.com. For me, let's see. Next, I'm at the Rialto Theater in Tucson, then the Grand Theater in Reno.

And then I'm doing Pachanga in Temecula. I then hit the Dirty South. I'm in Virginia. I'm in North Carolina, South Carolina in July. And then I go to Montreal, Hampton Beach, Wilmington, Baltimore, also in July. And then I round things out in Australia, Mom's Strelia, all at TomSugarra.com. Click on the tour page. It's all there. I have June 5th. I'll be announcing my fall date. So there's a bunch of cities coming up that I haven't been able to say.

And I will announce those on June 5th. Thank you so much. Go to TomSugarra.com. Hey, guys, don't forget to go to yourmomshousepodcast.com. Please do your Amazon shopping through our Amazon banner. It gives a little kickback to the show, helps support the show. And we have an Amazon banner for the U.S. We have an Amazon Canada banner. And we have a U.K. banner.

So anybody listening in those three countries can just do the regular shopping you would do. And you go and you support the show just by buying what you would normally buy. So there's a bunch of new stuff in our store. If you go to TomSugarra.com, click on the store. It takes you to our Merch Method Store. We have a bunch of new shirts. We've restocked stuff. I've signed completely normal and mostly stories. Who you know has a DVD. Mostly stories is audio.

Vinyl is coming out for both next month because I keep getting asked about vinyl. Both will be available on vinyl next month. And like I said, the glass and poster, the glass and shirt, all those things are now in the store. You can please go to TomSugarra.com, click on the store. And I think that's it, Gene. That's wonderful. We're very happy to bring to you this episode.

We have our good friend, the Podfather, if you will. Oh my God, did you just come up with that? No, I've heard that before. Oh, that's really good. The Podfather, our buddy Joe Rogan, and I didn't mention during our date run down, but he is doing a massive tour where he's adding 5,000 seat venues. Bananas, isn't it bananas?

It is incredible. I'm proud of him. It sounds funny because he's always been... Proud of you. But I mean, I'm proud of him because I've seen him just go, this rocket ship, you know? It's bananas. It's amazing how much he's done, and we talk about it a little bit in this episode,

how normal he is despite all... I mean, that's pretty rare. But look, if you want to see him, if you're a fan, and you're just finding out that he's doing this tour, I'm telling you, you got to hop on, hop on it now. Yes. He's... I'm telling you, he's selling these things out.

They're like months in advance and they're already gone. It's crazy. So go to JoeRogan.net slash tour and see if he's coming to a city near you and get your tickets immediately because they won't be around. But many thanks to Joe for coming and I hope you guys enjoy this episode.

It's a fun one. Thank you for gracing us with your presence today. My pleasure. Thank you for having me. It's been a while. It has been. You're the second guest we've had in three years. Whoa, that's crazy. We've been guests a long time ago,

but then now that we have this set up, we're like, we should bring guests back. Yeah, why not? Why not? Fuck it. Yeah, it's fun. We told you we had the water sommelier here last week. Yeah.

Some people thought it was a joke and they wrote in like, hey, I turned it off. I thought that bit was going kind of long. It's not a bit. Well, because we play boring clips on the show sometimes. Yeah. And people are like, that was the longest boring clip. Yeah.

Oh, that's hilarious. When there's too many laughs, we'll be like, let's bore it down a little bit. And they're like, that's a long bore. You got to peaks and valleys. Yeah. You lower the expectations. That's right.

Yeah. So we had a bunch of people, but some people were, I would say most people were fascinated. I was fucking fascinated. So was I. I had no idea until I walked in here that that was a real thing.

Yeah. Yeah. And he works at Petina, which is a restaurant downtown. I don't know if you've been there, but he created a water menu there. What? Yeah.

So when people go and you're like, yeah, can I have, you know, you ordered and he's like to drink and you go, I'll just have water. He'll be like, I'll be right back. And then it's a water menu. So you get to, he basically does what we were telling you, but you know,

like a beautiful presentation and people start. If I went out to a restaurant, they had a water menu. It depends on how high I am. Yeah. If I was really high, I'd be like, what's going on? Yeah.

But if I was sober, I'd be like, fuck you. I'm leaving. Of course. But if you're really high, you might be like bringing one of everything. Let me try all this shit. Try your water, man.

Yeah. All right. We have an opening clip before we just think, before we get into our, our regulars, this is how we open our shows. So we'll play our clip and we'll get into it. Here we go. Around June the 21st,

when a Skype, when Terrence was Skyping with me, uh, Brent Spiner said, Hey, you, Terrence, uh, something's going on with Matthew McConaughey's penis.

And what was happening was all of my men's penises were being attacked. This shit is big time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving for this. Your mom in the fucking stand. Welcome. Welcome.

Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura. Tom Segura. And Christina Pajitcin. Christina Pajitcin. Welcome to your mom's house. Oh, whoa. He's feeling it.

Of course he's feeling it. How can you not feel it? Oh, I know. What's this? What do you mean? Attacking penis. What is she talking about? Seems totally rational.

Yeah. What is her deal? Yeah. Not really sure. I've got that one force Whitaker eye going on. That right eye. Yeah. Yeah.

And there's also, there's something about crazy that does something to your, you know, the way you see eyes. You could tell, you know, even if she didn't say

crazy penis, you'd be like, something's up with her. Oh, yeah. Well, it's the, the gaze that doesn't break. That's right. Yeah.

The no blanking. Yeah. It's a real indicator of insanity. It does a lot. Yeah. There was a very serious malware in the computer system at church of Gale.

It caused all the men at church of Gale to cause them to have all sorts of penis afflictions. It was very painful. Church of Gale. I think that's her own church, church of Gale. Oh.

I think. And why does she think it has to do with Matthew McConaughey? I don't know, but she goes on. The ordeal with the penises lasted for at least a good week in that June's life.

From June 21st to June 28th, they were just having this ordeal with penises because of Jesuit trigger programming on the church of Gale computers. They spent a lot of time in sick bay. We haven't seen a blank yet.

Matthew practically had a vagina at that point. There's one. Yeah. What? She's got a lot of vagina. Yeah. Matthew's penis went inward.

I think it's funny that she, she thinks that the Jesuits are targeting her. Usually you don't hear them mentioned like that. The Jesuits are very affable. They're fun. Yeah.

They're usually highly educated. Jesuit college. Yeah. They like to drink. They like to party. They're not really into this stuff. You know what's interesting about her?

If you didn't know any better, like if you spoke a different language and you listened to her talk, you'd be like, well, she seems to totally rational. Yeah.

She's sitting there calmly. She's not, she's not moving too much. You know, maybe she's an expert or something. You know how a lot of cons happen, I'm assuming, you know, like I was watching that Bernie

Madoff movie, the new one. It's really good with De Niro and Michelle Pfeiffer. Yeah. It's called Wizard of Lies. And they were just talking about how like his greatest skill was

just people manipulating. And he had this crazy thing where he was, the craziest part of all this, he was already successful. He was really well off. He was a multi-millionaire. And he's still,

you know, designed this Ponzi scheme to extract so much more out of people. And they said, you know, because his reputation was such, and he was just new, how to talk to people,

they're just handing over money, man. He was just in it to fuck people over, like for the fun of screwing people over. The thrill of it. Yes.

Wow. Super addicted to the cash. Yeah. There's a great interview with him on Radio Lab. And it's really interesting because they have to interview him from jail.

And so when you call someone in jail, you can only talk to them for 15 minutes. And then you have to wait off the phone for 15 minutes for them to come back on. And then 15 minutes again.

So they're interviewing this guy in these 15 minute chunks, and it just cuts off at 15 minutes. And they have to wait. Terrible. But he's describing, you know, this waiting,

and then as time went on, he talks to made off more and more. He gets more and more comfortable. But the crazy thing about him is the complete total lack of empathy. None.

There's no empathy towards the people he fucked over. People that killed themselves, like there was a bunch of people that just one guy, which is really fascinating, he was worth nine billion dollars.

And Bernie was telling him that he had to give seven of it back. He called the guy up, he goes, look, the jig is up, everybody knows. And apparently he thinks, or at least his rationale,

was that all these people, like the big high roller guys, they knew that they were ripping people off. They knew that there was no way you could always make money, that there was always going to be fluctuation.

But like even in, like the way they describe it, I don't really necessarily understand finances that much, but the way they were describing it is that in, like every single move they made, this one guy

wanted to make money. Every single, like there was never, you couldn't ever show any losses at all. This guy would freak out. And he had like, again, seven billion dollars in the mix. That's insane.

Yeah. Yeah, he said in an interview that when they were like asking him about, you know, you destroyed all these people's lives, he was like, yeah, what about their culpability and all this?

And they were like, what? And he's like, well, you know, I mean, they have some responsibility and they're like, you stole from them. And he's like, yeah, but they fucking gave me the money. You know? Yeah, his thing was like,

these people, they're not starving. That's what his thing is. Yeah. We're not talking about people in Africa. We're not talking about starving villagers.

We're just talking about people. His own son killed himself. Really? Yeah. One of them did. His son killed himself. This guy killed himself. That we're talking about,

the nine billion dollar guy. Yeah. He killed himself because they wanted him to give back seven. He's like, I can't live with two. Fuck that. That's so funny. People's relationship with money.

There was a, I forget it was. Actually, he might not have killed himself. He might have drowned. Oh, really? Yeah. He might have just took too many drugs,

but might have killed himself. There was a New York Nick, I forget his name, and they were interviewing him about, you know, his NBA contracts are bananas. Oh, yeah. It's fully guaranteed.

It's one of the leagues that has fully guaranteed money. So now like the NFL, where it's like, you have this much guaranteed, the rest of that, you're not getting that shit. So NBA,

whatever, you know, there's salary caps and he played out one of his contracts and they're like, we want to keep you, but we can't give you like top end money.

So you're going to get nine million for next year. And then his first interview with the press, he was like, I mean, you know, it's going to be tough,

but I'll see what, and they're like, you're going to be tough to survive on that. And he was like, pretty much. Yeah. I mean,

I have a family. Nine million dollars, man. It's just perspective, man. People get crazy. Yeah. Well, yeah, because if he's going out, I mean,

you know, I follow all these kids on Instagram, like Cameron Dallas, do you know who that is? No, he's like the millennial hot shit. He's like this hot 18 year old

boy and he and his friends, they just, you're going to die. They don't have talent. They're just like cute boys on Instagram. And they do these meet and greets where they meet like gaggles,

just auditoriums, theaters full of like tween, pre-adolescent girls and their parents. And they hug them and take like chased pictures and millionaires, millionaires.

He's on a Dolce & Kibana ad. There's no skill set. None. No talent. It's just, they follow them on Instagram and they're like cute teen boys. Yeah.

And then they get paid to meet the people. It's fascinating. So there's a, there's a Netflix show called, is it chasing camera? Yeah. And I'm obsessed.

Now the thing is that they, they're spending their money like crazy because I follow them all on Instagram. And every week it's like, here's my new Ferrari. Here's the new Lamborghini. I'm leasing.

Here's the new house. I'm renting. And you're like, you're not even buying the house. Buy that house, dude. Get some equity going. Yeah. They're just 18.

Yeah. But they're also like, I think they don't realize that that window of cute girls that were being cute and the girls being like, ah, it's you is very limited. Yeah.

Everybody said that about Kim Kardashian. Yeah, I guess so, right? But they keep growing new ones. You know what I'm saying? It's like, yeah, like in the different strokes and they added like the red-haired

kid to make the show appealing again. You're talking about the chase or the Kardashians? No, the Kardashians. So they keep, so now Kylie's being groomed to do the next Kim.

Do you think that's what keeps it going? Yes. Because I think it's all about Kim. Really? Yeah. It's Kim and Kylie.

She is kind of, even though there's a real mother-mother, Chris, the fake ass photos from Mexico. No, I think I saw some of those. Well, here's the deal. They always hire their own paparazzi and the paparazzi

pretends to just casually catch them taking pictures. But in Mexico, there was real paparazzi waiting along with their fake paparazzi. So their fake paparazzi takes the photos and then they edit

them. They smooth out all the cellulite and all the bullshit. Because who doesn't have it? I mean, Yeah, I mean, it's normal human part of human, especially if you have a big

fat ass like that. It's not made of fat. But it's a fake fat ass. And it's super obvious in the new pictures. Look at this. Really? Get your life caught, Kim.

That's the real one. Like, look at the ones on the left. Like, where in life would you have, that's a tumor. Right. Right, right, right. It's a full diaper.

Yes. It's a diaper. It's a full diaper. And a tumor. It totally is, yeah. I mean, her legs are so scrawny. And then she has this giant, fake butt.

It's enormous. So what they would do with Photoshop is stretch out the thigh to meet the ass. So it doesn't look so fucking gross. So is this like a doctorate one?

Yeah. You see the difference? Yeah. The doctorate ones, they make it look less preposterous. Right. But the real one, it just looks like cheese.

That's hilarious. Gross. Well, of course. It's just like that. What the fuck is that? What is that? What are you doing to your ass?

It's so gross. It is so crazy. But it's so nuts that someone wants to do that to their body. Like she's stuffing something in there. I don't know what it is, but there's no way in nature you

would have those skinny ass legs like that. That are total unathletic legs. That's the legs of someone who doesn't work out. That's like her sister. Yeah, exactly. Right.

There's no muscle at all. No, nothing. I mean, she maybe works out a little bit. Like look at her scrawny arms. She's not an athletic person. Right. If you have an ass like that,

you should be able to jump over the moon. Right. That's someone who can do hurdles. But she's kind of good. She looks good everywhere else. These are all photoshopped,

like you're saying. It's hard to say. Yeah, the stomach looks good. Everything is fake. Wow. I mean, when you say she looks good, it's like, yeah, she's not fat.

Right. But that's it. Everything else is just all surgery. This is the infamous, yeah. Yeah, it's a total. Fake as fuck. Wow.

I mean, that's her whole thing. She's known for her ass. Like Jennifer Lopez has a legit Latina ass. Crazy ass. Like that's her real ass. Yeah.

Her legs match that ass. Right. You would go get Jennifer Lopez's ass. She's got those big, thick mommy thighs. Yeah. Big ass.

That's all there. That's real. You know, you look at that, you go, ooh, baby. Yeah. That's real. That's a real big, juicy ass. She's got that ass, girl.

Yeah. See how her thighs are so thick that you eat the ass? Yeah. Look at that. That's all proportional. So that makes sense. Yeah.

100%. That's what it's supposed to look like. She's a dancer. Oh, classy. All right. That's dancing all fucking day. All our lives a week.

Yeah. That's an athlete's ass. Yeah. That's a girl who can, yeah, you do. That's a girl who can bounce around and move and, you know, I mean, imagine if you had to

watch Kim Kardashian dance on a stage. Yeah. Those little spindly legs carrying that diaper around. Yeah. It does look like a baby diaper. It's a full baby diaper.

We see that all day with our son. It totally looks like. Yeah. See, that's what an ass, a big juicy real ass is supposed to look like. It's not preposterous. It's just outstanding.

Yeah. I didn't know she had a butt implant. She's got something like that. More than one. My mind is blown. I would say that's a. See, there's a photo there that

has the two of them side by side. You just cursed it over right there. That's Jennifer Lopez and Kim Kardashian. The one with the white right here.

Here. Here. Here. Yeah. Right there. Okay. See, the one on the left is Jennifer Lopez.

That's a real ass. The one on the right is Kim Kardashian. Is it? Yeah. I don't know so much about this. I don't know. I spent some time doing this, man.

I got issues. Yeah. It's down the wormhole on this. Well, it's a very bizarre thing. It is a bizarre. Our attraction to shapes is very bizarre, too. True.

Like fake tits. Like we know they're fake. That's, that always astounds me. Like it's not that they look like bigger breasts. They look like big fakers. Yeah. We don't care.

It's a different thing. And guys like it. Some guys. I would say some guys. I mean, some guys, meaning it's a ton of guys, but some guys make that distinction. Like I'm definitely not into

that. Yeah. See, but I mean, you've said this before is that you'd prefer hungry tits over big fakers. Yeah. Hungry. Hungry little ones.

Yeah. Need to be fed. Yeah. I would rather give soonfuls of just pasta to those hungry tits than. Yeah. I don't like big fakers, man.

Yeah. There's something weird about them for sure. It's a trick. I will say a really good job of fakes. Like you can. There are some magicians out

there. Yeah. That create amazing. Like they still look. Yeah. But I still prefer real ones. I don't know. I just like them more.

I think so. Look, there's also a body dysmorphia thing. Yeah. Because when do you, where does it end? Yeah. Look, once you have a baby too,

your tits get mushy. That's it. That's just, it's nature. So what should I do? Should I hoist them up? Should I have them reduced? Don't talk about it. First of all.

Yeah. Feed that shit to yourself or no women are going to have kids and our population is going to die off. That's true. You've got to keep it quiet. Jesus.

But it's fine. It's a trend. It's also part of life, man. Yeah. For sure. It's the trade-off for making life. Now are these real or are these

fakers? I've seen semen. Excited for this. Being a personal trainer and nutrition advisor, I'm very much into fitness. I'm a clean and healthy body. There are surprisingly a lot of

nutritional benefits from eating semen. Some of which I'm going to read out to you now. She eats a lot of gum. Yeah. Teaspoon. Teaspoon of semen.

It contains over 200 proteins. Several helpful vitamins. Minerals. Vitamins. Calcium. Chlorine. Citric acid. Chlorine.

That's not good for you. Nitrogen. Magnetium. Nitrogen. Phosphorus. Potassium. Sodium. Vitamin B12.

And zinc. Wow. That's a lot in a shot. Please excuse that. I imagine that was your kid. The kids on YouTube talking about eating cum. Yeah.

We should all eat cum. Well, what I like about this, because we've had other cum eating clips on the show, is the science that this woman is talking about eating cum. She's talking about eating cum. She's talking about eating cum.

It's the science that this woman has put towards it. Yeah. That she's a fitness expert, which is kind of neat. We don't often have experts. Yeah. What does that mean, though?

What do you have to do to be a fitness expert? You can just say you are. Yeah. I think. Just work out a little bit. Yeah. And a life coach.

Anybody can say that. There's no certification. Put on that sports bra and then you're like, I'm a fucking fitness expert. Yeah, the life coach thing is a weird one. Yeah.

Anyone can sign up for that shit. I was watching Anthony Robbins Instagram stories. Yeah. Tony Robbins is in. He's in Australia and he gets out to that. What was that black IP song tonight?

It's going to be a good night. And he's out there. Yes. And it's clapping with his big fucking Frankenstein hands. Yeah. Fire. And he's like stomping around on

stage. Yeah. But it's all like it's like he's his energy is kind of forced. Yes. And he's got. Yes. He's a little too wide around the

waist, which means eating a little too good. Yeah. Living it up a little too much. And so, yes, we're all excited. We're going to prosper here. Everybody say aye. Yeah.

That one makes me crazy. And it says out of breath. In one of the photos, I saved the photo because I was laughing so hard. I saved it on my phone because it said Savage. There's a picture of him and he's dancing around clapping and it just

says Savage. I'm like, settle the fuck down, buddy. Yeah. Here. Where is it? He, by the way, that life coach thing.

Look. Savage. Savage. That's on his Instagram story. Why is that Savage? It's hit with his hands in his pockets. This is all his dad bond.

Relaxed. Some suburbs. I agree. I like Tony Robbins a lot, but the fake energy thing. If I went to his seminar and he made me fucking stand up and do jumping jacks every five minutes, I blow my

brains out. I don't like that stuff. He's like that. Yeah. He's a fucking monster. Giant human. He has a giantism or whatever. Does he actually?

Yeah. He does. He has a pituitary tissue. You can tell, too, because even the jaw, the facial features. So he has a very mild form of it. I think so. Yeah.

I think he has a giant hog. Probably. Yeah. That's part of what his confidence is. For sure. Every time he's probably meeting with his team and there's enough

pushback on something, he goes, let me show you something. It's a fat roll of carpet. He's like, look at that thing. Slaps that thing down. And then the intern's like, he's got a point. Rolled up pizza dough.

Oh, yeah. What? It looks like one of those Cinnabon's you buy at the grocery store. Yeah. Pop open. Pop open. Sure.

Those are good. Those are so good. By the way. Speaking of good, look how thin you are. Thank you, Pastor. I've been working at it. Thinner than Burt still, I think.

Oh, your Burt went right back. By the way, so that whole experience. Wait, read her comments, though. Do you think people are... It's hilarious. He can't stop there. I've been drinking comforts and vitamins for years. She's...

I know. Oh, she's got come in a bowl. It's a friend. It's a friend. She's like, I'm not in a relationship, a friend did this for me. A friend. What a nice guy.

Well, listen, I would say, honey, I'll come in the bowl for you, but honestly, the best way is to suck it out the way you get it all. I mean, just for your sake. I mean, I don't want to. I have a feeling a lot of guys feel that way, too. Let me watch this.

This is important. I'm not into watching people eat coming. I know. It's weird because outside of porn, it's disgusting. I think in porn, by the way, when it's like eight dudes in a glass, that is fucking gnarly.

Oh, that's my favorite. I have those bookmarks. You like those? No. I have them all bookmarked. Bookmarked. Oh, there's not enough guys. Only eight guys.

She's hungry. Feed her. And it's so... You can tell the real savages in porn who are just like, ah, and they keep it... It's like no big deal, but you can also see in the face... You can read someone's...

Oh, yeah. When they're like... The flinchers. Yeah, and they're like... The flinchers. The fake enthusiasm. Well, yeah. It's gnarly.

But you've got to think the ones that are really into it. No, they're not. I mean, you've got to be so fucking damaged to be like, I love eight of it. Eight guys, ten guys. I know. It's not.

I want a teaspoon that is produced. Oh, mommy. To give you an idea. What? She's getting close to the camera. It has that kind of... It smells quite mellow. It smells like bleach.

It smells like my nose. Oh, no. Don't want that. There's even more benefits to drinking semen for women, because it's actually anti-depressant, because it contains melatonin. I can just take my laptop. I don't want to keep teasing the audience with it.

Get that for vitamins. All right. Oh, I just got the chills for real though. Oh, Jesus. She's showing it to you. She's dripping it in her mouth. You're nasty as hell. You're nasty.

Surprisingly salty. No, it's not surprising. I mean, if everybody is a... The guy who... Who's what they're writing. I produce some of my own semen videos watching. Give me a call if you ever need some straight from the source. Right from the tap.

I hope you at least give the donor a hand job, you selfish twat. I have lots of semen I can unload on those big breasts. Jesus Christ. Why not disable the comments for this? No, no, no. She's so... Keep them rocking.

Would you date her knowing she's drunk? She's drank so many cum shots? Yeah, of course. Yeah, I'd care. I used to have a whole bit about that. Yeah? No, about... I dated a girl once and she told me that when guys drink fruit juice,

especially pineapple juice, it makes your cum taste better. And I was like, how many dicks do you have to suck before you figure that out? Like that's... It's not one or two. Asparagus? Not good.

Try roast beef. It's like the idea that you've figured that out through trial and error. Like there's something really delicious about your cum today. It looks different. What did you have? Let's go over my diet. To do an autopsy of it, too. I drank some water and I had a pineapple at lunch.

I got some water from Hungary. That helped. Did you... One thing I don't think you got to see throughout... There was a four-month build-up, basically, to the Wayans, the bird, who is Fat Wayans, where Bert Kreischer and I came on your... Well, I did see a little bit of it on Instagram and on Twitter with the hashtag BertisFat.

You saw some of that. Did you see how... I mean, like, we had... I want to show you this. This is like, people would call in or, like, send in videos saying Bert is Fat in different languages. Oh, my gosh. It was amazing.

Why does Bert Kreischer say Fat? Habert Rauer. Kurwa. Let's go Bert Kreischer. Bert Kreischer, you are a fat cunt. You're a fat cunt than Tom Segura, mate. And then... This was my favorite thing.

This was amazing. People that listened to the podcast, that teach English as a second language, would use the whole fat battle to teach English abroad in different countries. So... This is in India. In Japan...

It's in India. Oh, my God. Oh. Oh, my God. Does this freak you guys out when you see how popular this is? I love it. Yeah. I mean, there was...

I remember the first time we figured out that anyone was listening. It was back when we were with Red Band. So this is like 2010 or 11. 2011. And we were doing shows and we put out a thing like, And the first time that we saw the next day, that it was pages of people tweeting that, I thought there was like 100 people listening to this thing.

I mean, I didn't have any idea of it. But when they got to this thing, and they're coming in from different parts of the world... From the world. And then we did a thing of, hey, mommy, thanks, jeans, where we would go. Do you see that? Where you just say that to the teller,

and then we started getting submissions from all over the world, from police people. Police did it. Like in the squad car. Pulling people over. It was... We had a cop do it. It's so fun.

He ordered his whole... Like on the job, he used all the inside language to order it. Like he's in uniform. And like, it's just bananas, man. Yeah, it's weird. You know what I like is the silliness of it. Like the fact that all over the world,

something that's stupid, it's a shared joke. Yeah. You know, like that's what I like. Stupid. What is that? Yeah, we just got like hundreds of these, man. Like hundreds of them.

Yeah. It's really nice. Yeah. It's strange, right? It's strange. This whole podcast thing is very odd. Yeah. Your podcast, by the way,

like I remember doing... I'm on like, I think episode three or five of your podcast. Wow. Like somebody sent me the thing once. So they have, they have like it documented all the episode numbers. And then I'm like,

I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like all the episode numbers and they're like, you're on like the one of the first five or seven. I remember it was on your couch in your office at home.

Yeah. 00:32:24,000 --> 00:32:25,000 Yeah, the couch is weird. Yeah. Like couch seems like a good idea, but it's a terrible idea. But I wanted to ask you who gave... I remember you said

that like you like the opiate Anthony model of like just talking. But how did you, did anyone else have one where you're like, Oh, people will listen to this. Did you, like, he would listen to one?

I think Adam Corolla had a podcast. He had it back then. At the time. I think he did, but when he had it, it was like a radio show. Yeah. He did his like a radio show.

Still does, right? Yeah. Well, that's, that's actually his downfall now, I think. Really? Yeah. I think people get, they don't want to hear commercials every 15 minutes.

Right. It's not necessary, you know, and I think, I just liked how opiate Anthony had just people come in with no structure, a bunch of comics and just hang out and start talking.

Okay. Did you ever imagine like that your podcast would be like, where it's at now, it's crazy, man. It is really crazy. No, there's no way I could have imagined it. I wouldn't have believed it.

It's so nuts. No, it's just, Yeah. I just, just thought it was fun to do. I mean, and like, people mentioned it to me all that,

like when I, when I'm in an airport, they'll, you know, they'll mention they're like, it just still happens though. You were mentioned in the weight level. Like, I saw the weight loss podcast last week.

And like, the podcast got, one episode got more than six million and the other one was like close to seven million. That's so crazy. That's nuts. Downloads. That is nuts, man.

And then there's YouTube. Views on top of it. Yeah. Millions on YouTube. Yeah. How did you even know? How did you know? I mean,

I think I remember we heard, Oh, Joe's doing a podcast. Well, what is that? Like, how did you even hear about something? Well,

I started doing it on Justin TV, which was like this online webcasting thing from the green room. And Joey Diaz would always get mad. Shut that fucking thing off. Yeah. We'd have a laptop

and we'd be streaming from a laptop, like from the little webcam. So we'd have a little, this is back before laptops had webcams built in. Yeah. So we put a little webcam on top of it. Sure.

Right. And people would like, And you were doing that before all this? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That was a long time ago.

Yeah. And then that was probably like 2003 or something. Whoa. Yeah. It's really long ago. Yeah. And then when I got back from Colorado, I was kind of bummed out.

And I had to move back to California because my wife was pregnant. And, you know, we couldn't live at altitude because we were like in the mountains. I went to that house. I was so happy up there. I remember that.

I went to that house when you were checking it out. Yeah. We were doing comedy works. That's right. And we drove up there and it was like up this crazy road and, you know,

like a narrow mountain road. Yeah. And at the very top, it was like, it was beautiful. Sounds amazing. Well, for me, it was a combination, like it was the perfect balance

for like these shows where all these people in the UFC, all these people. Yeah. And then up there, just nature and quiet. I was like, oh,

this is what I need. I need to balance myself out. Sure. Like just to have enough calm so that all this craziness sort of makes more sense. Yeah. Yeah.

Now, so the show, the podcast obviously, it's gotten bigger and bigger. We've been talking about, because we all know people that are like, you were a well-known guy when I met you for sure,

but you've gotten considerably more famous, but you're not a crazy lunatic. Yeah. How does that work? How does that work, you think? I don't know. But I mean,

like we all know people that like can't handle fame well. Well, I do a lot of really difficult shit outside of comedy. Yeah. I think that's part of it. Do you think so?

Yeah. I think part of it is, first of all, I have zero obsession with fame. Like if all my fame went away tomorrow, I'm fine with it. As long as I have health,

and as long as I can pursue my interests, I'm 100% fine with it. Yeah. I'm not really interested in fame. I'm interested in doing a good job. Yeah. Like I know that when people come to see me, that I have a massive responsibility,

and I work hard on my stand-up, and I work hard on my writing, and if I have a bad set, it will fuck me up for months, you know, and it'll make me like batten down the hatches and grind harder. Like I don't take it lightly at all.

Right, right. So that's part of it too, but it's also, I do a lot of different stuff. Like I do yoga, I do jiu-jitsu, I do archery, I do a lot of working out,

I've been running recently. I do difficult shit, and in doing difficult shit, you get humbled. You're always getting your ass kicked. Yeah. I run the mountains near my house. Yeah.

It's fucking hard, man. Like every time I do it, I know that there's people that can do it way better. I know those people that are in way better shape, and I know that every time I do it, I get a little bit better,

so I just keep pushing at it. Yeah. So I just concentrate, excuse me, I just concentrate on doing difficult things. Do you think though that, sorry, go ahead. No, I was going to say that

that's probably a way healthy thing of doing. So basically you're saying that I'm not focused on my ego and making me a bigger star, more famous, more famous. That's usually what people do, right? Like I got to grow this thing.

You're focused is external, which I think is better as a human being. Yeah, I think it's definitely better as a human being. I think, I don't want, I have zero focus on being more famous, zero. Right. I pass on everything.

Like as far as like doing talk shows or doing magazine articles or interviews, I pass on everything. That's true, I never see you. Let's do shit. I don't do shit. So do you think maybe that these people who don't handle it well,

it's that their whole focus becomes just that. They're like, maybe. When you hear about them too much, like Amy Schumer's a perfect example. You hear about her way too much. Like there's this big Google story, I pulled up my Google, there's a story about her breaking up with her boyfriend.

There was a story in Google that she broke up with her boyfriend. Like why the fuck is that a story? Because everything's a story because she's probably got a publicist and the publicist wants to make sure you get your name out there all the time. Guess what, people get fucking sick of hearing you.

Oh yeah. So if people want, and I'm sure people are sick of hearing me too, but if you don't want to hear me, it's easy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's easy to not hear me. Like you got to go looking for me to hear me.

I think the more you put yourself out there, especially today, with, you know, we're not talking about the 1990s. Like with social media, it's so easy to get the word out for all the different things that you want to do that there's no need to do all that other stuff. And if you start doing all that other stuff,

I mean you can gain a few new fans, but you also get annoying. Yeah. We all know people that are just overexposed. You know who taught me that? Daniel Tosh. I was about to bring him up. I was about to bring him up.

He's the best. And he has that thing. He doesn't do talk shows. He's the best. We talked about it at the improv, and he made total sense with me. And it really, really like cranked home. You know, we're like, wow, yeah.

He's like, yeah, he goes, I don't do anything. He goes, sorry, go ahead. No. He's just like, I'm already famous enough. Right. And he goes, I'm doing an hour a week on a television show. That's enough.

Where like they get to see me like on TV. So I don't need to do more than that. Like there's millions of viewers watching this thing. And also, I guess the thinking being, those who like me are already engaged with me. Yeah. Why am I annoying the rest of the world? Yeah.

If you're not into it. Well, my podcast built up 100% from someone telling other people. Right. 100%. I didn't do anything to promote it. I've never done anything. I've never done. That's banana.

Yeah. I had one big bump when Rolling Stone did a story on me. And that was one of the most uncomfortable weeks. That guy following me around and hanging out and staring at me and writing things down. Yeah. It's like weird. You guys did give a bump though?

Yeah. That was a bump for sure. That gave me a bump. But all the other bumps are just, it just, it was a gradual, slow sort of escalation until about maybe two years ago. And then it just started really ramping up like ridiculously. Yeah. Many millions more per month, every month millions more.

And it just started getting scary. And we always referred to like when I'll talk to other people about it too, about your model of, I feel like it's definitely one of like your ideas. Just hit them with content. In other words, just put stuff out there all the time. Because that's like every week, I mean I'll just be on Instagram and I'll see you're like, you had a physicist on, and you have a comedian on, and you have a fucking hunter on.

And you're just like, well, I'm just putting stuff out there and then whatever you want, consume it. But it's also, honestly, it's selfish because these are all just people that I want to talk to. Yeah. So like if I had Lawrence Krause in the studio, who's a theoretical physicist, I have questions. I want to ask him about the, you know, the birth of the universe.

Yeah. What he thinks the boundaries of infinity are and all these different fascinating people. So I have these one-on-one conversations with no interruptions for three hours with someone who you would never get a chance to do that in real life. Because if you were at a dinner table with them, they would get up to go to the bathroom, they'd check their phone, other people would chime in, someone else would come over.

But this is your own conversation. It's just you and them alone in a room just staring at each other and you get an education through that. I've become a much better conversationalist. I think I understand people better. I understand motives better. I understand interaction better. I understand ego.

I understand all kinds of weird stuff you pick up. It's like data chunking. You know, you just sort of recognize patterns in people and you start applying them. I just have a much better understanding of myself and of people and of being a good conversationalist. Yeah, you're definitely highly skilled at it now. I mean, not that you weren't before, but I mean, I think it's obvious.

It's a skill you develop because you work on it all the time. Well, it's crazy because I never thought it was a skill. I never, before I started doing podcasts, I would never have thought being a conversationalist is a skill. I would have thought, yeah, you just talk to people. I notice it more like as somebody that does podcasts a lot, when I watch especially, if I watch a television interview, I can tell or I listen on the radio,

I can hear that, oh, this host is a giver, like a gracious host. He's letting his subject, you know, say what he has to say. And I can also feel like, oh, the host is trying to dominate. You pick up on it. You're like, oh, he's making it about himself all the time. That is an issue with people. Like sometimes someone will interrupt a really good story and take a sidetrack where they talk about themselves,

like they have an opportunity to talk about themselves, but you're in the middle of a story and you've done this. And it just becomes a real problem. A lack of awareness and a clumsiness can really sabotage and throw a monkey wrench into the gears of a conversation. And it makes it real awkward because the other person is aware of it and they're trying to be gracious and get through it.

And then, you know, it just, when someone else is talking, when two people are having a conversation and someone else is just kind of like clunky, like it affects the way you're able to communicate. So like as a host of a podcast, when you're having a conversation with someone, part of the skill of it is like trying to figure out how to get that person the most comfortable and the most relaxed

and then the most like, asked the questions with enough economy of words to get them to express themselves, the cleanest. That's why I don't like participating in or listening to podcasts with too many mics. Yeah, I don't like it. I've done them, they get rough. They get rough.

It's too much. And usually what happens is, at least for me as a listener of one of them, I'll be like, every interesting point that I was looking for, like I can hear coming, gets derailed. And I'm like, well... Gives me anxiety even watching CNN sometimes. They'll do the split and there's like six people on there.

And I'm like, I just want to hear one person do it. I don't want to hear all this. Makes me nervous. Yeah, it's too much. Yeah, CNN does like nine sometimes. Too many experts. And they're all just like trying to get their soundbites in. And so obvious I was watching something on Trump the other day.

And it was just fucking gross. What do you think of this whole current state of things with Trump? It's what happens when you get a guy who does not understand what being president is and is used to running businesses. And then all of a sudden you let him run the presidency and he's trying to run it like a business. He's firing people that he doesn't agree with.

I didn't know that the president could just fire the FBI chief like that. Yeah, I didn't know it either, but... Like when he fired Comey and he's like, the guy's a real pain in my ass with this investigation. Like what? Like it's so obviously obstruction of justice. I think he has like really wide-ranging liberties when it comes to hiring and firing as president.

It's amazing. And we didn't know about that until this happened, yeah. Well, because most people have the good sense not to do things like that because it looks bad, it looks suspicious. People forget though that Clinton did the same thing. Clinton fired the head of the FBI as well and he fired him in the middle of an investigation. I forget what the investigation was.

I forget what the circumstances were, but it wasn't as egregious, but it was pretty similar. This feels like, I mean, at least from the outside, it does feel like every day it feels like this is heating up into some major scandal. Because evidence-wise, I know it's always pointed out that we don't have any smoking gun yet, but it does feel like it's cooking up into something.

I don't know. I think everybody wants it to. That has that sense too. Here's the question. Like what's inappropriate and what's illegal? And I think a lot of it's been inappropriate, but how much of it is illegal? True.

Like Sam Harris has a podcast where he had these political experts on talking about what Trump did when he had those Russians over the White House. And he gave them top-secret classified information about ISIS wanting to use laptops to blow planes up. And he's like, hey, when you do that, you've compromised all these people that were embedded in ISIS that were telling the government about this plan that they have.

Now they have to get these people out and hope these people don't get assassinated. In thinking, in him thinking that he's sharing information, I'll let you know it's secret. What you're doing is you're exposing sources. And you know it's obvious too that he's the type of guy that loves having that share-a-secret moment. For sure.

I'll tell you something. Well, that's the whole thing with Comey. Like he wanted to hug them and he wanted to say, look, I hope you can let this go. He's telling someone to let go of criminal investigation into being compromised by Russia. And apparently they were warned that that Flynn guy, he was compromised by Russia before he even got into office.

He was warned by the Obama administration. And then when Yates came over, the deputy attorney general and warned Trump's lawyer about it, they still didn't act for another week or two. She was a gangster at those fucking hearings. Yes, she was. She was so good because they were trying to chip away at her. And she was like, look, what I'm...

Schooling them. Yeah, schooling them on the Constitution, schooling them on law, schooling them on ethics and about her responsibility to the American people. It's like, no, I'm not going to institute a travel ban on Muslims. Are you out of your fucking mind? Yeah.

Why you can't do that? This is a country of immigrants. You wanted me to institute a travel ban? I've been so upsetting to him. He's like a murderer and they all get caught because they brag about shit. He couldn't help himself talking about ISIS, probably. Like, I got something good.

I got a share. I got a brag about the shit. I love all the reports about how they go. It's really difficult because of his short attention span. That's right. He has a tendency to be easily distracted. Oh, good. And he likes visual aids too.

Oh, good. If you talk about something, you have to show pictures to him. Oh, my God. He wakes up and winds down with cable news and he brags that I don't read. He's like, I don't like reading. Not a reader. It's hilarious.

You know, another thing is hilarious. Let's talk about the shows that he watches. They're number one because everyone knows I'm watching. Oh, right. Him saying that everyone knows that he's watching these Fox News shows. Oh, boy. It's hilarious that he believes that that's why they're number one. But we've never had a president like,

imagine if Obama did that. If Obama said, well, the reason why this show is number one is because I watch it and everyone knows that I'm amazing. Everyone loves Obama. So he loves Obama. So I love him. Always in the third person. Yeah.

Like he was talking about Kanye. Kanye loves Trump. He loves Trump. Yeah. Everyone loves Trump. But the fact that he talks about himself, like he's fucking Roy Jones Jr. Oh, my God. Like when Roy Jones is in his prime.

Yeah. And Roy Jones is, I mean, he was the baddest motherfucker on the planet. And he was talking about it in his prime. It was a way to establish that he was, I mean, it's a psychological thing. Yeah. He was like, when Roy Jones Jr. gets out there, Roy Jones Jr. going to take care of business. Yeah.

And everybody's like, okay. Yeah. Like a separate power almost, right? Yeah. Like I'm talking about this other aspect of myself. Yeah. He was talking about like this, this super human force. Yeah.

That was Roy Jones Jr. Man, when Tom gets on stage. Damn. When Tom Segura rocks a house, Tom Segura rocks the motherfucking house. See, I wonder how many presidents in the past were this psychotic. But because of Twitter, maybe, but maybe it's because of things like Twitter that we now see inside. I mean, what if Nixon was this batshit crazy too, but because of the limited access to

social... Have you ever seen that HBO Nixon tapes? That's great, but they play the actual tapes. No, I... It's really great. Well, he had a drunken moment with a... It's a famous drunken moment with a reporter where he was talking about how he has the power to just go into a room and make the decision to kill six million people with

a nuclear bomb. And that, you know, that that hangs over him. Yeah. Apparently he was intoxicated when he was talking about this, this nuclear option power. That's another very terrifying thing about the president. The president really does have legitimate power to wipe out, to use nukes. I mean, he has a lot more power than we thought they did because there was so much restraint showed by Clinton, even by Bush, believe it or not.

Bush has even criticized the Trump administration, which is crazy. Yeah. Bush seems like a fucking... Like a liberal daisy compared to... Oh, so reasonable. Einstein compared to fucking Trump. Well, the Supreme Court, when the Supreme Court ruled against one of Trump's things, and Trump's like, I'll see you in court.

Whereas, dude, that was court. Yeah. Yeah, that was great. That was the best. Supreme Court, man. Yeah. But like Bush, they showed this clip of Bush losing a similar ruling to the Supreme Court. And his reaction to it was so reasonable.

He was like, well, we have to respect the court and the court's decision, and this is just the way it is. And although I'm disappointed, I understand that they're doing their best. A big part of it, I do think you're right, though, is the lack of Twitter restraint, because nobody would ever act like that. I know they had sort... There was an article that said they had an intervention last week, and they're like, you're making it harder for yourself, and they were like...

And they showed him with visual aids. Like, when you tweeted this, and then this was the pushback, and these were the articles written afterwards, like, you gotta fucking stop doing this. So, I don't know. It's hilarious. It is. I mean, who knows? It's good in that we need to know that this is a stupid fucking position that no one should

really have. No one should really have the ability to just be the top chimp over 300 plus million people. It's crazy that you give anybody that power. There's no reason to. Unless you raise a philosopher king. Yeah. Even a philosopher king is subject to the... I mean, if he has an ego, and if he's a human being, he has the same possibility of going

out of their fucking minds. I don't know. It's just too much. Why risk it? It's just there should be way more checks and balances in place. Yeah. We have to be nutty to even want to be president. Of course.

Oh, yeah. It's an absurd job. They're all megalomaniacs. Yeah. No way. I couldn't sleep at night. Who knows? It could be next.

Maybe Glenn Moon. Hi, Glenn Moon. Officially announced my candidacy. Armed Forces Commander-in-Chief, Office President, United States of America. If elected, I will serve holy will of God and name Jesus Christ through power. Holy Spirit from God and name Jesus Christ. Vote Moon, USA President, 2012, November. Okay.

Oh, he didn't make it, huh? I don't think he made it. But I don't know if he's going to come back. Give me. Name female person. Self-describe 18-year-old former student. Franklin, our Churchill High School. I met earlier this year, 2011, Library, Livonia.

If anyone knows Amy, whom I last saw entering her friend's house on Six Mile Road Service Drive, Western Farm to Road. After I drove her there in my motor vehicle from library, I would appreciate you giving her my Facebook address. RL, I could use some help securing 18 to 20-year-old vote. Wow. Yeah. Well, he was doing the sign of the crosswalk.

He did the sign of the crosswalk. Yeah. But that helps. There's some wounds. There's some wounds out there. What do you do with those? Shoot them in the head or let them live? I think you got to let them live until they show up at the address that you're talking about.

Yeah. We have to keep them in containment systems though. That's a problem. Reagan let them loose and we need to re-get them. Real them in a little bit. Yeah. There needs to be a park. Yeah.

Or the bar, right? He deinstitutionalized the mentally ill, so we unleashed them on the streets. Isn't it crazy? Because he's got shot by a mentally ill person. Yeah. He's out now. Yeah. How is he?

He's out now. He has some type of supervise. He's out, but he has supervise. He has to go, I think, to his mother's house or something, but he's not in a prison. Yeah. It's so weird. How old is he though? He's probably in the 60s.

Yeah. I can still kill. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. Yeah. It's a bad job and it's not a smart job. It was a job that made sense back when we were dealing with kings and we said, well, let's

have an elected representative instead of a king. So it was a superior alternative and then we had all these checks and balances like representative government and having senators and congressmen and all these different people that were there to make decisions for the individual states and the individual states could have their own laws and regulations and it was a fairly good system for the time, but when you deal with electronic media and our ability to gather information instantaneously and communicate information, there's no reason why we shouldn't be able to vote online. None.

None. None. We should all be able to vote online. And registration should be super easy. At the very least, I didn't know, but all these European countries do weekend voting for national elections and it ups their turnouts by like 50, 60%. Yeah. That's a good point too.

Yeah. That's a great idea as well. There's a lot of Saturday elections. Yeah. See, they don't want that though. Right. They literally don't want any more participation because first of all, one of the things you're seeing with Trump that's really disturbing is you're seeing the rise of the asshole class.

Yeah. Like there are a lot of assholes out there that were never represented and they don't necessarily agree with his politics, but they have like an identity thing now. It's more like they're in a group of like-minded people than it is even that it's like a political party. It's like a cult. It's a douchebag cult. Yeah.

I know what you're talking about. Yeah. I see them on TV all the time. It's legit. Like there's a lot of people that are enjoying this because they're on a team and it's like whether they're rooting for the fucking dolphins or they're rooting for Trump. It's kind of the same thing. They identify with a clan and this clan of people are Trump supporters, right-wingers,

whatever they're doing, but they just happen to be Trump supporters and right-wingers. They could be anything else. It's just people love to be in a support group of like-minded folks that agree to a certain thing. I don't think they also, like I noticed during the campaigns, it seemed like it was a lot more just fuck the other team, like that kind of thing. It wasn't like about like, he makes sense on these points. It was just like, fuck you guys.

Could you imagine if Hillary got into office and was doing all the same things that Trump has done as far as like giving away classified information to Russia, compromising sources, firing the head of the FBI because he was investigating her, the lock her up, lock her up, lock her up. All that was like a big chant during the campaign, remember? Yeah. Meanwhile, he's done shit way worse. Way worse, man.

Way worse. Yeah. Shit just got way worse. What's that from? That's a clip. Oh, no, the Gypsies. The Gypsies, yeah. They're like, there's total white trash people and she's fighting with some other woman who's

like, okay, shit just got way worse, sir. You know what else is interesting that I was listening to the Sam Harris podcast that we're talking about. I like him. His books are good. Yeah, he's amazing. The real interesting issue is the ebb and flow of support and that if the pro-Trump media unitedly turned on him, because there was some speculation that they were upset that

Trump was doing some things, some intervention things in foreign countries and meddling in other affairs that they didn't want. They wanted more of a separatist sort of like, you know, it's just going to take care of itself and fuck all those other companies. But when we started bombing Syria and we dropped the Moab bomb and all this different stuff, there's a lot of people that expressed some, like there's some discontent, like this is not what we wanted. It's not what we signed up for, yeah.

If it turns and they united as a united front, turn on Trump, the very people that support him, which by the way, could absolutely happen. When you're a guy who like mobilizes those armies, those armies of assholes, they're subject to turn on you, especially if you're clearly an asshole yourself and if he does enough asshole-ish things and then one day they just decided to turn on him, they were talking about this, like this could be catastrophic for his campaign, like it literally could. The very people that put him in office, this same group, if they have someone who represents them better, whether it's Iran, Paul or someone else, someone who they can get with philosophically,

but they don't think like, for whatever reason, they just decide they don't like him anymore, which can easily happen. Totally. But two, because I don't think Trump really believes all the crap that he was saying, that he was behind. Like, do you really think he's anti-abortion? Like how many abortions has that motherfucker probably paid for himself? You know what I mean?

Like he's not about all the stuff that, do you really believe that? I think he's- I think, no, I think- No way! He's a great, you have to give him credit for being the super-talented self-promoter, the super-talented- Right, he's galvanizing them a lot. ...selling things in the moment.

Yeah. I don't think he believes all that. He doesn't believe in all that shit. At least a segment of people this past week with having his first foreign trip to Saudi Arabia. Yeah. Like there was a lot of people that were- I mean, I'm talking about like very, very hardcore, you know, far-right people that were

upset that like, what are you doing going there on your first foreign trip? You should be having them pay us back for 9-11. You should- You know, why are you basically mingling with them, negotiating an arms deal? I mean, it's just, there's gonna be things that pop up every week that people will, you know, get upset about. Have you seen the picture of Trump and that Saudi Arabian guy and some other dude holding on to that glowing ball?

Yeah. It's so creepy. What is that glowing ball? I don't know. What is that? I don't know. It's a global- It's a Islam globe.

Yeah. And it's like showing- It's funny too, because he was like the anti-globalist campaign guy. Right? It was like America first, nationalism. And then now it's like, it's a global work. It's all about the whole world now. What is it with these people once they get into office, even Obama, once they got into

office, like became kind of a different person? I think, well, especially like when you're in that first term, you know, I think everything just shifts to like, I gotta make, I gotta get that second term. That's all they care about. I mean, that's it. I think that's a big part of it, because they, especially like the one thing I will say, I think I noticed with Trump is, I think at the end of the day, I don't think he cares about anything other than winning, winning the campaign, winning votes, winning.

For him, he's a, I think he's a highly, highly, highly competitive guy. But to him, it's just like everything is about, it's a victory, whether it's this executive order assigned, this is like a victory, you know, the, the, the, when the healthcare thing went down, that was considered a loss. I think that probably was like destructive to his whole psyche. And I think all he wants is to win again, have another shot at the presidency again, only because it means he won, not because he really cares about being president. I think he just wants to win, man.

Yeah. It could be. I'm, I'm enjoying the campaign at like the, the, sorry, the coverage of Melania hating him. Like there's, there's stuff like he tries to hold her hand and she swats it away and shit like that. I enjoy. Yeah.

I mean, I think, you know, there's a lot of stuff they reach, they reach obviously for anything, right? Like if you're, that's the thing is like the level of scrutiny on everything, it's like they were holding hands and then they let go and they're like, she swatted his hand way. Like, they, you know, there's a great, uh, animated gift though, where he looks over at her and she's smiling and then he turns away and she's like, yeah, she's like instant that's at the inauguration.

Yeah. That's amazing. It's weird. It is weird. What do you think that's all for? It reads so clearly too. It's like, you can say a lot of these things are, ah, you're just like, but that seems so much cause she's like, well, that seems legit.

And also the fact that she doesn't live there. Yeah. Well, fuck, would you want to, she just, you know, that's not what she signed up for. You know what she signed up for? She signed up for some BJs and some squirrel. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Some Fendi bags.

Yeah. That's right. Drinking your teaspoon a day and then how much dick can you suck? Right. I mean, think about it. It's a great gig. Yeah. Cause he's probably only a horny a couple of days a week.

He's old. Yeah. 75 or something like that. Yeah. He could only probably get it up a few days, even with Viagra, probably only wants pussy a few days a week. Yeah. And then the rest of the days a week, she's driving Rolls Royce's.

Shopping. Party. Yeah. Having a good life. So she's right here. Right. And like, so he's going to turn back. Smile, big smile.

Right. Yeah. But you forget she's my tribe. This is actually the coldness of the Eastern blocker as well. Yeah. Like my stepmother had a little of that. Little. A lot.

Yeah. Yeah. And that's the reason why she accepted this position life in the first place. It's like there's like a, like a pragmatism, like a cold pragmatism, like this is a good move. Of course. Yeah. Well, she was a hot chick, right?

She's like a model. Yeah. For sure. So that's what you got to do. It's a, you know, you can't model forever. Pictures of her and a lesbian sort of photo shoot type thing. I know there's some nude modeling. Yeah.

She did some nude modeling. Good looking lady. Yeah. Very, very pretty. There's nudie pics of our first lady. It's crazy. Yeah. It is crazy.

It'd be crazy if there were like butthole pics. Yeah. She liked to spread them shots. Yeah. Looks like a string of spit. Yeah. These are her fingers. And we're back to your mom's.

Yeah. I got serious for a minute, but we get back to the important stuff quick. Oh yeah. We're living in the one of the weirdest times ever in human history. Yes. Yeah. Because it's total uncharted territory. Yeah.

What was that? Just glassing. Just glassing. Just glassing. That's become in the hunting community. Yeah. That's become a giant punch line. Yeah.

It is all over. I sent you that thing for meat eater. Yeah. Yeah. They said we're going to beat you guys to the punch line. Yeah. And they sent pictures of us. Just glassing.

Yeah. Because it's a beautiful photo. They're overlooking this incredible landscape. Yeah. Everybody just say just glassing. Oh my God. Do you know that like when that became. So funny.

You know we have all these like little inside jokes. That one went like so crazy. Bananas. Haywire. It went haywire. So funny. It was like a lot of nice things. And people said I'm not going to watch my shows in New York.

I'm not going to watch my shows in New York. Look at the map. This is why we came up here. We've been sleeping along this big huge meadow. That's a beautiful meadow. With my long tall meadow. We've been sleeping along here. Just glassing.

Just glassing. And all of a sudden I didn't even have... I didn't even have my head in there on in my... He's so fired up. Yeah. That's it. And this also opened up a whole new world for us. Which was the excitement of a dad boner.

Like when a dad gets really excited about something. Dad enthusiasm. It's not like any other kind. It's like... Different kind of enthusiasm. Well, yeah. It's dad enthusiasm. It's usually for something that nobody would get that excited about.

Except for that. Well, you know, he's a very famous bowler. Fred Eichler. We figured that out. Yeah. People are emailing us. Like, let's fucking Fred. I didn't tell you.

I told you too. I don't remember. I watch him on TV. Oh, yeah. You did say... I watch his show. Glasses, the whole... That guy's killed everything in the world with a compound bow.

We read about him after. Yeah. He's like killed the animal kingdom. Yeah. He's killed Noah's Ark with a recurve bow. A recurve bow is like a traditional old school bow. It's like legit. This dude is awesome.

Oh, yeah. He's one of the best bow hunters in the world. Recognized. Yeah. So does he know about this? I don't know. I know we email them. Yeah.

We reach out. I'm sure I reached out. He's probably upset. I think so. People are all swearing. Oh, he's super nice. Oh, remember? He must be.

Yeah. He had that one... He had a video where he goes and he spanks a little cub bear. There was a little bear eating out of like a dumpster by his house, and he ran up and spanked it. He was like... I got all excited about it. So cute.

Yeah. He's like way out in the wilderness. I don't know. Oh, yeah. I believe he lives in Colorado. I think that's it. Yeah. That's glass.

We have all these other... So we started to look for dads that get excited about things, you know, like that we consider him in that category. And like... So like there's... You know what fomers are? No. Fomers are people that get like...

It's not dirty. They're really into trains. And they like will wait at train stations for trains to drive by, and they fucking get really excited. Oh, they're too cute. Why are they called fomers? Oh, no. New York, once again, on the SNC.

Yeah. There's some train coming here southbound on North Creek. They get really into it, man. Wow. That's cool. Awesome. Well, that sounds... What?

What? What? Gosh. Oh my God. It sounds like an alcove. Oh. 1943. S2.

Wow. There's a crab man on the SNC. Wow. Look at that. Jesus beauty. Oh, oh, it's a BL2. Oh man. Yeah.

SNC. Everything's all the way. Wow. So these guys just will wait for trains like hours. Fomers train. Yeah. He's so excited about that train. Right?

So excited. But don't you kind of envy this guy's ability to get super stoked on something so dumb? No. No, that guy needs to find pussy. Yeah. Pussy so much better. If he did, he would just abandon all those numbers. Yeah.

He keeps rattling. That's on F4. 5. 6. 2. 9. Here's the solar clip. 9.

Look at this. Oh my God. It's coming. The moon's shadow is coming. It is coming. Oh, they're watching it from a plane? Yeah. Oh my God.

Here it comes. Look at this. I've never seen it like this. No flashes. Oh my God. Here we go. Look at it. Oh my God.

Whoa. Look at that. Oh my God. Here we go. Oh my God. It's coming right over. It's like a storm. Look at this.

Oh my God. We're getting close. Don't film the storm. I got corona. There it is. Diamond Belly's beads. Belly's beads diamond ring. Look at that.

Corona. Totality. Oh my God. Look at that. I mean, it's cool. It's super cool. See, that makes sense. Yeah.

Right. But maybe that's just me. Prominences. Prominences. Look at the atmosphere. Oh, look it down there. It's badass. It is.

Yeah, it's pretty rad. Oh, there's a flare. Look at that diamond ring. Look at that. Oh my God. Oh my God. But it does sound like he's going to come to his pants also. I wonder if he took that flight specifically to see that.

Possibly. You're right. Because that guy seemed so into it. It was so much knowledge. Yeah. It doesn't seem like a casual trip. I think by far the craziest one that we found, because we've been sent a lot of these things, is this fucking guy.

I'm getting excited about something so goddamn mundane. Trans Canada Highway. Yeah. God, I love this one. I finally found the last section we paved. Okay. Okay. Well, here we are.

This guy doesn't fuck. This is the Trans Canada Highway, baby. And we are standing in beautiful sunny British Columbia. Come on. At the kilometer marker, 7128. And this is where I believe with a 90%, no make that 95% chance that this is in fact the very place where the Trans Canada paved its last section. I mean, this is about a highway being completed, right?

Wow. Canada has an asphalt belt. And this is the buckle. And it's a divided highway. He goes running on it. Oh, I'm winded. And he like, he comes basically. Oh, the story that this road tells.

He's running on the highway right now. Time down the middle. What the fuck? What the fuck? This is a downhill section, fortunately. This is so strange. Right? Yeah.

I like it. It makes me happy every time. Why does it make you happy? Because I lack that enthusiasm for the road. Like this guy's found a way to get pumped on something so benign. What do you get excited about? I get excited about a lot of shit. But this guy, I see that and I go, okay, I want to talk to that guy about normal life.

There's got to come a normal conversation where he falls apart. Yeah. Like there's just some normal shit where you talk to this guy about and he's got some weird disconnect. Well, I don't like to talk about bathrooms. Right. Right. And this is where he's sublimating all that weirdness.

Yeah. He's finding like, he's bottlenecking somewhere. He is. And you're right about the lack of sexual intercourse. I don't know where this guy's, or any of these dads. This guy? But that's why they're dads. Are you sure they're dads?

That guy might be a loner. Well, yeah. I think we're labeling dad. Yeah. You call them dads because they're older guys. Yes. I'm assuming that they've shut it down or their wives have shut it down. The wife has a very short haircut and she's wearing coolots and sandals.

You know what I mean? Like they're just both shut down. Yeah. I get sad. Ladies and gentlemen, your trans-Canada highway. This is yours, Canada. There would be something ironically hilarious if you heard bang bang. And you just see this video dedicated all the men, the women who made this great possible,

great highway possible. Thank you and all caps for the exclamation points. It's just, whoa. Those noises though were like, oh. That's so crazy. Crazy. That's gang bang. Yeah.

I mean, that's for a highway being completed. I almost feel like he's seen every stretch of it, right? That's the thing. Maybe this is like the completion of 10 years of traveling this fucking highway and documenting the whole thing. We like to think of the backstory. Yeah. Where for the construction?

Was he part of it somehow? I had a guy on my podcast, Chris Cage, who's walked the Appalachian Trail. Do you know what the Appalachian Trail is? Yeah. It's all through Carolinas, right? Yeah. He started in Georgia and it goes all the way to Maine. He walked it.

It's like six months of walking. Whoa. God. Yeah. And this was like his dream. I don't know. He had it in his head that he wanted to do it. How did he eat?

How does the food work in the water? He bring food. You buy food along the way. Okay. You bring some food. It's my only concern. You say you get excited. You're saying that I don't get excited.

Listen, I have an email from a listener I thought would be a nice time. Okay. Dear Mommy Tina, I completely understand your need for Tom to have enthusiasm. As my fiance is just as chill and unexcitable as Tom, there is nothing more agitating than being excited for something and only getting a smile from my man. That just proves that you are the personality champ. He's all about getting excited, having different moods, and responding accordingly to other people.

Clearly, Tom doesn't have what it takes to be considered a champ. It's all you. P.S. I also get farted on and treated like a sister. We are definitely into weird territory. I feel like this only happens with couples who are on the same playing field. Lots of love. Hannah.

Thank you, Hannah. First of all, you made a huge mistake giving out your email address. You just want to say that. Yeah. Predictions. You're going to get more from Hannah now. Yeah. You're going to start crying.

For sure. I caught him farting on my sister. Things are getting weird. I can't believe you think I don't get excited about anything. You seldom... I mean, we discovered that Tom gets excited about football, but you've known him for years too. He gets excited when he goes to shows, when he does a great show.

I do. I get excited about that. How do you express your enthusiasm for a good show? I would be like, great fucking show. Yeah. You can tell. He gets pumped. Yeah.

He's like, from Tom Joe. I like cars. I get excited about cars. He does get excited about cars. I saw one of his cars. I used to see him. You do that. He had a video camera on me.

I was like, I was glowing at the thing. I like cars. I buy car magazines. I'm like a kid. That's true. Okay. That's true. Yeah.

Oh, the Corvette, right? Yeah. The Corvette, yeah. So cool. You do like that. I was like a little kid. Yeah. I was like, you know, horrendously.

This morning. No. Was it last night? Probably both. Yeah. Are you excited about that tour? Are you changing something? Well, no.

We made sweet marital relations and then afterwards we were, you know, whatever, laying around and he goes, you know, you're lucky. I go, why? He goes, well, I held an affart for you that whole time. Yeah. And I go, wow, what a lucky gal I am. Thank you. I feel like I should get credit for that.

I feel like, I feel like some guys would have let that go. And I was like, nope, like, don't do that right now. Oh, how sweet. Yeah. I had just settled in, you know, and I was like, no, don't let this go right now. That's beautiful. Yeah. See, he can appreciate it.

It's amazing. I get excited. Yeah. Talking about this with you guys. Now, would your wife be, would she consider it nice too that you hold, do you hold them in or do you let them fly? Yeah. I try my best.

Yeah. And if I do accidentally let one go, I'd let everybody know. Get out of the way. Get out of the way. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you got ladies around you, you got little girls, right? So yeah.

Houseful with girls. Yeah. Oh, that's right. Being a gentleman. I got the opposite. It's all dicks all day. Dicks and farts. Dicks and balls and farts.

But in the same, don't you think that you get material out of that? That's probably a blessing for you. It's a blessing in the skies. And I'm used to it. I'm, you know, I'm more male energy. I'm not good with, you know, stuff. We haven't done this during the show. You need to do this.

What? Christina. My big announcement. This means there's a big announcement coming. Major. I'm so excited. What's that sound? That's chips in a bowl.

Chips being poured into a bowl. That means there's a big news coming. Oh. That's a sound cue. You know how like morning shows will have like air horns or whatever? We have chips in a bowl. Chips in a bowl. What kind of chips are those?

I think the potato chips is being poured in. They're so loud. It sounds like, like, I thought it was gambling chips. Yeah. Oh, right. Oh, that's interesting. I never thought of that. You know, I don't think there's a distinction made, but it's so clinky.

It is. Yeah. I think they're the thin lays kind. That's the kind I see when I hear it. Maybe ruffles. Yeah. Could be. Yeah.

Okay. Anyways, big news. I'm finally shooting my hour special. Oh. Oh. Oh. There you go. When are you shooting it?

All right. Here it is. The announcement. I can finally make it June 24th at the Showbox Theater in Seattle. Nice. Tickets are on 1000 Ranch.com. The link is up, but it's active so you can get those tickets now. Please, mommies, let's pack it out so I can have a great taping.

There's two shows, seven and 930, bang, bang. In the great city of Seattle. In the great city of Meat Rattle, I can't wait to go there. We have so many mommies there. Yeah. It's going to be awesome. And I'm stoked. I'm very happy for you.

Thanks. I'm very excited for you. I'm very excited for you. Seattle's on the short list of places I would live outside of LA. Yeah. Yeah. Same as me. I like that very.

I would get through the winter. I'd just go to Hawaii a couple of times or something. Yeah. But once you get through that, I think intellectually, I think it's one of the best cities. They're not as pretentious, but they're smart. There's no showbiz influence, which I think is one of the things that fucks us up here. Is the desire for fame. There's a total absence of that up there.

You see way less fake tits, fake lips, fake asses, you see way less of that. They look like people. It's a really cool city. I didn't realize, sometimes you just see one thing in a theater, and so you don't know if you've been there before. I did the more, and I didn't realize until afterwards when I went to the lobby that I'd been there with you because the lobby stood out to me. I didn't realize.

Where is that? Sorry? I've been here before in Seattle. I did it a couple of weeks ago, and as we were in there, they're like, you've been here before? I was like, never been here before. And then we got to the lobby, and I was like, I have been here before because I remember doing like a meet and greet with you.

Yeah, we've done so many places, dude. I forget. Forget them all. Yeah, I forgot. They all blend in. But Seattle, I mean, every time I've gone there, I've had some of the most fun shows I've ever had. It's the best.

Yeah. That's why I chose that city. I mean, LA is obviously my heart, for real though, but what you said, the show biz element, that is the problem for me. It's the problem. Not just the show biz element, but the problem that you were talking about with that Instagram kids and the Kardashians, they're not necessarily even show biz, they're like the attention industry.

Yeah, it's like there's so much fake bullshit and so much like flossy nonsense. Crazy. Yeah, I mean, I feel like Seattle is based, is Microsoft and Amazon, and there's a lot of tech money there and a lot of really smart people. And it's also super green. And I feel like being next to the ocean and super green, like seeing a lot of green mountains and something about that's just better for you. Definitely.

I think so too. And this is a very kind of showy town that we live in, it's like a very show off thing. I think one of the funny things is the idea that you think you have money in this town, like people who are trying to come across that way, then you go to a town like Seattle where like, no, those 22 people are billionaires. And then they're not even trying to show you that. Yeah, they were wearing like a sweater or jeans. Yeah, I like that.

Gates dresses like a fucking librarian. Yeah. He's got like $80 billion. Yeah. Yeah, it's odd, right? It is odd. What are you doing with all that money? But he does a lot of humanitarian stuff.

Tons of it. That's incredible what he's done. And he got a lot of other super wealthy people to donate their money, a lot of them. Yeah. Like they do that, the pledge. Well, how about Warren Buffett? He's given it all. Yeah.

And that's through Gates. Yeah. He's done it through Gates. Yeah, he's an interesting cat. Like he's literally, when he dies, he will die and leave it all to charity. Yeah. So that's, and he's been giving a lot, some of those guys, they've been giving billions as they're alive even.

Yeah. Yeah. Warren Buffett also lives in like the same house that he bought like 30 years ago in Omaha, Nebraska. And it's a super normal house. Yeah. He drove the same car for like 20 years. Like why have all that money that I don't understand?

I know. It's, it's. Aren't you fucking flossing? How come you're not balling a little bit? At his level, you should definitely be balling. Slightly. A little bit. Is he married the same lady?

I think he's divorced. He got divorced. Oh, yeah. She got like 1.5 billion, which to him was like, stop it. Get out of here. Nagging at me. Yeah. Take a little one billion.

Yeah. Fuck out of my house. I got 80 billion. Damn. Yeah. Yeah. He's, he's still doing pretty well. Now, Jewdork titties.

That's a great city too. Yeah. I love. Jewdork titties. New York City. Yeah. That's what we call it on the show. Yeah.

Yeah. Um, that's a place that I would consider living. I would consider living in New York City. It doesn't bother me that much. Wow. I think it's all about one thing is like in LA after a while, even though compared to most of the country, lifestyle, you know, cost of living is much higher. It's still significantly different than New York.

And like, I would only go there if I could definitely live at least pretty comfortably. You know what I mean? You have to be a baller. You have to be a baller. Yeah. Oh yeah. You don't want to struggle in New York. Yeah.

My wife wants, she's talked about moving there. That's like one place where she said she would go. Like if you want to go there, I'll go there. Really? Yeah. I think she just thinks it's like a big glamour shopping trip though. Yeah. That's how she looks at it.

Could be. Shopping. Yeah. Well, she's right to a point. I mean, like there's incredible shopping there. But the cold, I couldn't take the cold. Yeah, the cold's rough. I don't like that shit.

But you know, you just dress warm. It's not that difficult. Dude, you could be doing like eight spots a night. I know that you. Yeah, maybe, but I don't like that many spots as much as I like longer spots. Right. Longer spots, like two long spots, I take two, one half hour spots over eight, 15. Yeah, I agree.

Yeah, yeah. Because as far like developing material, I think it's really important to stretch out a little bit because you're creating like, you're composing something, you're putting something together, a peak in a valley and, you know, Diaz and I had a conversation about that yesterday. It was like, I got to go to more places where I could work an hour. He goes, because sometimes I'm home for like a month and I don't go on the road and I don't do an hour set.

Then I got to go do an hour set. True. I'm going to go together. Might that make sense? I don't like the short spots and especially if you, if you're touring a lot, like I have been and you're doing that long set every night, I don't particularly get a thrill out of a 15 minute spot. I feel like it feels like, I mean, I understand it's a totally different thing and it becomes

like a different skill set, but it doesn't even feel that rewarding because like the benefit is like, it doesn't feel like it like lines up with what I'm doing. Yeah, you're just getting cooking. Yeah. Yeah. And then it goes on. Yeah. All right.

Yeah. Yeah. I know what you're saying, but to me, I treat them as blocks. Like I have a four, 15 minute blocks. And so like, like if I'm doing a set tonight, I'll say, okay, well, I did this block last night. Oh, right. So tonight I'll do this block.

That's true. And then one of the cool things about LA is that I can do three or four blocks a night. Like I'll do one set at the improv and I'll do two sets at the comedy store. I did three sets at the comedy store and one set at the improv on two Thursdays ago. And you had like totally different sets. Yeah. Well, no, one, one different to the same and one was the Jeremiah Watkins fuck around show.

Yeah. I'm doing that next month. That's a great show. Can't wait. I've never done it. Oh, it's the best. People yell out a subject and then you start riffing on the subject. It's the best.

So they just yell out like hats. Yeah. Yep. Yep. You come up with the material and punch lines. You come up with tag lines. You come up with like, you might like have a section of something that you ran about that doesn't fit anything.

And then one day you have a new bit and then you go, oh, and then there's that thing that I did on stage that night and then it slides right into there. I'm a big believer in that it's not that hard, you know, relatively speaking to say something like a joke, come up with something funny. It's much more of a challenge to come up with an interesting topic or a premise. Yes. You know? So that's what like that, that show sounds exciting.

Yeah. I feel like saying like talk about this topic. Yeah. Yeah. Premises are giant. Premises are giant and a point of view is giant. And then from there, I feel like it's like that's the scaffolding that you'll add jokes to.

And you'll figure out a way to make it funny and figure out a way to just do it the right way. I mean, one of the things that I started doing really recently that really made a big difference is I'll have a bit, even if the bit's killing. And I know like this bit's going well, just developing well, I will outside of stand up, I'll sit in front of my computer and just write on that subject, write on it in a completely different way. Like say if I approach it from one, like say, like you're talking about going on a boat,

you're approaching from this way, then I'll just approach it from a completely different way and just say, okay, well, this is already in the can. This one's done. All right, I've got it. So let me just try a new attack on it. And I've come up with so many different punch lines coming at it from a different angle, but forcing myself to sit in front of the computer. And you know, I use that program, right room, have you ever showed you that program?

Blacks everything out. Blacks everything out and gives you green font. So it's like the matrix font. Yeah. And I just sit there and I can't access email, I don't get notifications, nothing. So when you write from the different angle, will you then in your bit do the chunk that works and then be like, or what if somebody's and then like all of a sudden present the other angle or sometimes it fits in.

Sometimes I just, I just find a way where it fits in. Yeah. But it's just, it's just creating more tag lines, more tag lines, more punch lines. So you're, you have a new hour though, right? Yeah. Yeah. So how long did that take you? It didn't take you that long.

Six months. Damn. Yeah. That's awesome. Every day on hustle. Yeah, you are there, but I've seen you actually, it's a good lesson I think for a lot of, a lot of comics. You, it came out and then you didn't, haven't chilled at all on that.

You just like were, I've see you, I see on posts all the time that you just like spot, spot like working, working, working all the time. Yeah. I do five or six nights a week lately, at least, at least four, always at least four. Really? Yeah. Like I worked last night, I take off tonight. I'll work Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, I got a hot date with the wife.

Nice. And then I'll probably work Sunday too. And then I'll go out it again next week. And you're doing, by the way, congrats on this tour, because I saw, it's big time shit, man. Crazy. It's crazy. You're doing the theater at Madison Square Garden.

Yeah. Damn, homie. It's almost sold out. That's amazing. Isn't that like 7,000 seats or something? Something crazy. Something crazy. Jesus.

Dallas was nuts, man. Dallas was, I just did Dallas. It was the biggest place ever sold out. That was 6,000 seats. Wow. It was maniacal. That's crazy. It's like the energy that you get.

How do you like it? Because it's a total different thing from 1,500 or 2,000 seater. It's different. It's a different thing. But the energy, when you get 6,000 people laughing is crazy. It's weird. It's just like, it's a roar. It's a different feeling.

But you know, man, I just, I really like creating stuff. I really like putting together a stand up, you know, and I really love the process of writing things down and like going over my notes. I love the process of creating new material. I love the process of sitting in front of that laptop and staring at the screen. I love the whole process. I love the process of going on a run and like recording a new idea that I have in my head and then looking at the notes that I have on my phone and then breaking those down on

paper and then sitting in front of the laptop and then taking these ideas, smoking a joint, going on stage with it and riffing with it. And then recording it and then listening to the recording on the way home. It's like the whole process to me is, it's my favorite thing to do. It really is. Other than, you know. Me too. I think it is like the biggest thrill.

I was talking to somebody about it that like, I think the biggest thrill still of all things is coming up with something new and having it be, you know, validated and rewarded. You're like, that's a bigger thrill than anything. Yeah. It really is. Like I thought of this thing. I said it and this group of people react. And then abandoning it.

Yeah. Yeah. You have to. After you do record a special, like somebody yelled out, like, do the Kim Kardashian bit, the Bruce Jenner bit, right? Yeah. And I'm like, dude, I don't even know how to do it anymore. I literally don't know how to do it.

Yeah. People don't understand that. Only comics understand that. Yeah. That you go, I've been doing this other thing for so long now that I don't even remember the beats of that. Yeah. Somebody tried to get, I started to do one and I was like 30% through it and I go, I

don't know what happens next. The audience yelled out the next line and I was like, well, there you go. Well, yeah, because even as I'm ramping up to tape it in a month, like I have to sit down and really go through my notes and really remember every little bump to it and bell and whistle because you forget the cadence. You can get away without doing that, but make no mistake about it. The more attention you spend thinking about that material, the better it'll get. Most definitely.

Yeah. And I have to get full focus. Like I can't fuck around with anything. Like it's laser until that date. And then. You know what I know that's really kind of weird? I know guys that write on shows and they'll write sitcom scripts and they'll write movie scripts and then they have like a chalkboard, they write or a whiteboard and they'll write

on the whiteboard and they'll have notes. They'll put like scenes, different scenes, but they don't ever do that about their own act. Right. And then their own act, they treat like, you know, like a red-headed stepchild. They never really have that kind of professional focus because you don't have to because no one's telling you to. Right.

Like writing a show or writing a movie, you have to, you have to write that because everyone's going over bit by bit. You have writer's meetings. You go to the writer's room, you sit down on people. There's no writer's room or writer's meetings for stand-up, but why isn't there? Like why, why don't we? Because we're fucking lazy. It's discipline.

It's self-discipline. And also it's hard to look at yourself and look and step back and separate you from your work and go, ah, that kind of sucked. Like that can be better. I should do this there. You know what? I love the most is knowing that I'm about to say some crazy shit. Like when you're like, you take the risk and in your heart you're like, oh, I'm so

scared. This could be really, I shouldn't say this. And then you say it. Yeah. You get addicted to that feeling. Yeah. I like that part. The feeling of like, I'm going to take a leap right here.

Yeah. This is scary. Yeah. Hopefully they'll come with me. Because it's not just talking about airplanes and cats and dogs. You're like, I'm going to say some crazy shit. Yeah. And then there is that risk, the risk is what the, is that feeling of like, is this parachute

going to open. It did it. It did it. Yeah. It's not about it at the time, but the knowing that a bunch of people are getting babysitters, they're spending their money, they're coming out to see you, and there's this massive responsibility to incite a reaction in them with just your words and thoughts and the amount of responsibility that's on you.

Definitely. It's pretty intense. I've paid more attention to it over the last year or so than I have ever in my life. Yeah. I've ramped it up more. Yeah. I just think it's constantly, and then my standards always get higher too. It's like, I need to, I can't have a new special that's not as good as the last one.

So I feel like, man, I got to make sure this one's better. So I have to like watch my old one and go, well, where's there too much fluff or is there too much talk? Oh, you did that really? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like maybe I could have cut this down.

Maybe I should have. Maybe this isn't as good as this part. All that just all sharpening the samurai sword, hammering that fucking metal down. Yeah. I know my problem is I'm a perfectionist, so like, it's never good enough. It's never going to be. That's everybody's problem. I hate it.

Everybody, if anybody who's any good hates everything they do. Yeah. It's true. Gosh. Everybody, I know that loves their act is terrible. That's true. Everybody that tells me, oh, my new stuff's amazing. I love it.

Like, ugh, get away from me. Yeah, it's gross. I remember the, remember we did a show that one time where that guy was like, he got out and he goes like, don't you love going back and watching? Yeah. Yeah. Some guys like, don't you love watching yourself? I'm like, no.

It was terrible. It was terrible. There you go. It's always the case. Yeah. It's weird. It's always the case. And they're always like big self promoters too.

Oh, God. Yeah. Letterman hated himself. I read some book about him years ago and every episode he would go home and just put on the hair shirt and flog himself like, that was the worst episode ever. And in my estimation, he's the best. I love Letterman so much. But he hates himself.

Yeah. He's the best though. Yeah. Because he had these high standards. He wasn't just half-assing it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

It's true. I remember a guy one time asked me to get him a guest spot in a, like I went to a city and he was like, I knew him. I met him before. So I talked to the manager of the club and I was like, can I get this guy a guest spot? And she was like, are you vouching for him? Oh no. Yeah.

So he was like, okay. So he goes up there, just eats such a big bag of shit. So then the club manager was like, what the fuck was that? And I go, wow, I just, I don't know. So there's a second show and I go, dude, that was like, he was like, I'll do a totally different set on the second show, totally different set. And I'll make up for it. And I go, okay.

So I go, let's just let him, he'll do a totally different set. Oh no. And then not only does he do the same set, he does ex verbatim from the same opening and he says, she's looking at me like, what's going on? And I'm like, and I see him, I go, you did the same exact thing. And he was like, yeah. What was his reasoning? Like did he black out from nerves or something?

I think so. I think he got nervous. And the other thing that stood out is that he had, this is quite a few years ago, like amazing website and like all this other stuff had incredible attention, you know, like those guys. Yeah. They got the card. Like everyone, you started doing standup and yeah, the cards.

I bought you cards. I remember that. Like cards that say your name and like, yeah, every time I meet a guy in a town and he wants to do a guest set, I'm almost positive. They suck. Yeah. They're always like real truths. Hey man, I really love to do a guest set on your show.

What guest set? There's 6,000 people. Yeah. Do you think you're going to do a guest bet? The audacity. I know. Yeah. I've had a bunch of guys do that though.

Yeah. A bunch of guys do that. I've had, I've also had guys that are like marginal headliners and, you know, working on comics just show up, just show up at my show and ask to do a guest set. I'd like the Chicago theater. That's crazy. I'm not kidding. Yeah.

3,700 people. Hey, I'd like to do a guest set. Hey, I'd like you to go fuck yourself. Yeah. Are you crazy? What do you tell them? What do you tell them? I say, no.

I go, dude, this is all set up. Yeah. Like this guy's going to do 20. You know, Ian's going to do 20. Tony Hinchcliffe's going to do 20. And then I'm doing an hour and 10. Like this is what it is. This is the show.

Yeah. Like there's no room for your guest set. I'll just do like seven minutes. I'm not doing anything. I don't even know what you're doing. Yeah. I don't know what kind of... What if you go up on stage and you start doing my subjects?

Yeah. Like get the fuck out of here. I just got an email about one for a theater show. But here's the thing, would you ever do that? Never. Never. Never. Never.

That's the thing. Imagine showing up at a... Negative. Like there's a... If you were a musician, there's a band playing. Like, hey man, just like go on and do a song. Yeah. What the fuck are you doing?

Get your fucking mind. Dude, because I've had this a few times, is it's an email saying, hey, you're coming to this city. I'd love to do a set. Not only do you not know who I am, I will provide no link to anything so that you could check out. Like in other words, it's just sight unseen. You don't know anything about me.

Can I be on your show? Or the... No. And can I do like 20 minutes? Yeah. That's the best. That's the best. Like I don't even know you.

Yeah. No. I thought maybe like five. I had a guy show up in Atlanta and he wanted to do a half hour. Damn. He wanted to do a half hour. Crazy. He goes, I want to do a guess set.

He goes, I'm only talking like 30 minutes, not like an hour. I remember one time... What is he talking about? You know Dan Godfrey. At least they got a hustle though, you know. I love Dan Godfrey. He used to run the Brea Improv and now he like oversees, I think, all the Improvs. Yeah.

And one time I was in Brea and I was, I think man, I want to say I was middling. This is like probably like 06 or something. And the, but I was, oh, I was, yeah, I was middling and the MC was like, I'll do, turn to him. I was like, I'll do 20 and then him and then Dan goes, you'll do 10 and you won't do a minute more. Like just straight up, because the guy was like announcing how much time he was going to do from the MC spot on 20.

Yeah. He was like, I'll do 20 and then how much do you do? And he's like, you'll do 10 and not a second more, telling him like, don't even dream about doing that. Yeah. And I was like, yes, inevitably I'll get an angry tweet or an angry Facebook message. And people will get mad thinking that, you know, like you just don't appreciate people that are trying to make it.

No. And when you were trying to make it, listen, I'm telling you, all the people that are out there listening that have that mindset, no one does that. No one who's any good does that. This is not what you do. You don't ever ask for guest spots. If you get to know someone and you start working with someone and you work with them on a regular basis and you want to work with them somewhere, you know, that's one thing.

Like say if, you know, like say if you were going to be in town doing a wedding or something like that, like you were a friend who was getting married, something like that. You're like, dude, you're working that night. And I'd be like, hey, you want to do a set and you'd be like, fuck yeah. And then we would work around it. Sure. We'd figure it out. But it's only because we've worked together so many times, you know each other so well,

like to have someone who you don't even know want to interject. Like your show is like a complete package. Like you've put it together, right? You know who you're opening acts are. You know what kind of material they do. Totally. And you're thinking about how this whole thing is going to play out together and you want to make sure that that audience who gets that babysitter and goes on the week, you want

to make sure that they get the best set possible. And I'm old school, I guess, in the sense that I am 100% of the idea that everything at any show is absolutely all about the headliners desires and wants or it's their show. Like whenever I open for you and like somebody would say like, hey, do you know, I'd be like, I don't know. Ask him, man. It's his fucking show. Like we're all here.

It's called support for a reason. Like we're supporting the headlining act. And I fucking hate when they try to involve anybody else in decision making or how do you want to go? It's all about whoever's name is on the mark. Whatever they dictate is the way that show goes. And you should respect that. You should respect what it took for them to get to that point and you should respect their

desires at the show. If you want to talk about lighting or music or how much time all it's all that person's decision. So everybody else can go fuck themselves. Yeah. You know what I also find to be a problem that I don't, I don't do. I don't take guys in the road to do crowd work. Oh boy.

Get your life. It just opens up that Pandora's box. Of course. It becomes a real problem where when someone loves to do crowd work and they start, what do you do for a living start? I'm looking at you with that suit on. I'm imagining salesmen and now. Opening that.

Yeah. You can't do that. People start boozing and they want to get my chance. He's going to talk to me and then they start gearing up and then the time never comes and then you're on stage and they want to start yelling shit out. You're like, oh, it changes the expectations of the show. Yes. And somebody who's, the show is not about them has made that decision.

That's what's fucked up about it. I've had that where like, holy shit, one guy did a 20 minute crowd work set. No. Really? Yeah. It worked into a frenzy and then you get up there and some guys like, and you're like, shut the fuck up. I'm not talking to you, man.

Oh, it's a problem. It's a problem. Yeah. Yeah. It becomes a problem because in the audience mad at you. How come you just get to talk? I want to talk. I was waiting to talk.

It's about me. Yeah. Yeah. I just love it. They used to really mismatch my opener. It's like, this is back in the day I was opening Fort Lauderdale and they gave me this, oh, this guy who was like, ladies, you got a sucker dick. That's why they call it a blow job, not a career or some shit.

And it was like, oh, like ladies, you got to suck dick. So I'm like, get the fuck out of here. Like, do you even know who I am? No. You don't give a shit. They're not putting, they don't care. They're not considering it as a show. No.

No. I mean, now that guy would never even. You get a spot. You get a spot. Be near me. Right. He's just a guy that the club found funny and they go, I've got an open week for a middle.

Yeah. Yeah. Put it in front of the female comic. Plus in Fort Lauderdale. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Is there other than Jim Brewer? Is there a funny comic that's ever come out of Florida?

Is he out? Is he out of Florida? Yeah. I didn't even know that. Actually. Yeah. He's, yeah. And then Tosh.

Tosh from Florida too. Damn it. There goes my theory. Todd Berry. Todd Berry from Florida too? Really? Wow. But I know what you're saying in terms of like the fame.

There's not a lot of. Development there. They develop somewhere else. Maybe that's really funny. They came out of Florida. Brian Regan. Didn't Brian Regan come out of Florida? He might be right.

Yes. He's from Miami. Yes. There you go. There you go. Yeah. So my theory sucks. Yeah.

But no, you're right. But there's no bastion of comedic glory. Like Fort Lauderdale is not where we all go to get really good. Well, there's no community. Right. Yeah. You know, apparently there was developing one in Miami because last time I was in Miami was a couple of years ago and I did the, you know, they have that South Beach

comedy festival. That's right. I went with you. That's right. And after the show, we were talking to some people at one of the local bars and they're like, yeah, we're local comics. We have like a comedy show here and a bar here and like we put together like a real community.

I'm like, oh, yeah. Like that didn't exist for a while. Miami was the worst improv in the history of people in the world. No, they had to cancel my week. I got a call like a month before and they're like, look, we can't sell tickets for a white girl. We're going to have to pull your week. And I was like, no problem.

A month before they knew they're like, the writings are. No. One take it for this white girl. Well, yeah, they didn't even speak English in that room. Crazy shows. Joey Diaz used to do half Spanish shows there. Wow. He would, he would yell out half the punch lines would be in Spanish and people would

fall out of their fucking chairs, crying, laughing. We did shows there and they were just, it was Thunderdome. It was chaos. It was, it was, I did a set there where I would weave in and out of Spanish too. Oh, that's right. You speak full Spanish. And, and, and it would be crushing it, pandemonium, like just, it would be nuts. And I did one one time middling and the headliner did 35 minutes afterwards.

Oh my God. He's like, out of here, you almost have to be bilingual. Yeah. Yeah. And they're like, it's a hard sell. And that, like if you got, if you were to ask that staff, like, are you going to police the room? They'd be like, what the fuck is that?

Fuck like that. No, it didn't. And everyone was 18. Yeah. The audience was all underage and they gave away tickets. It was a whole papered room. They told me a story about how, you know, there was, that was in a coconut grove and there's some, there's some bad parts near that, in that area.

Like they would also tell you, like, don't walk down the street from the club. And you're like, okay. Oh, great. And so this one, you know, there's like this Haitian gang, I forget the name of it, but anyways, dominant in that area. So one time some guy, I don't know, he's being loud or something. So they go to one of the guys is like, Hey, could you keep it down? And then when he comes back a second time, the guy opens his jacket and shows him he's

got a gun right in his waistband. So the guy's like, I'm not getting killed over the goddamn improv, you know. So he goes, tells the manager, the manager knows that the head honcho of that gang is a big fan of show, it goes to shows there. So and he's in the room. So they go tell the gang leader that like, Hey, this other guy just flashed a gun to one of my staff and that guy just turns in the middle of the show to the guy who showed the gun and was like, Hey, no.

And so he got up, went out to his car, put his gun in his car, came back was like, sorry about that. And they were like, all right. Sorry about that. Like there's no involving anyone else and no throwing him out. Wow. Be a decent guy. Put your gun in your car.

Oh Jesus Christ. Yeah. That room was chaos. It was. I've done it. I'm sorry. No, I did it. I've done the room before.

Yes. Go ahead. It was one of the first clubs that I said I would never go back to. Yeah. I told them on stage, I go, you are the dumbest fucking people I've ever performed for. And they were howling, laughing. I go, you don't understand. I'm so serious.

Yeah. And they were like, ah, this fool, this fool crazy. Yeah. I'm like, I'm not coming back. Yeah. Yeah. I remember Diaz having some choice words about it too. Even Diaz.

Yeah. Even Diaz is like, that's too fucking crazy. Yeah. It's too fucking crazy down there. Well, Fort Lauderdale was a close second. I'd say Miami was number one in terms of. No, Fort Lauderdale, the Hollywood Improved. Yeah.

I always had a good time there. The Seminole. Yeah. That was, for me, I mean, that's when I was like coming up, whatever. Yeah, that was harder. It was chaotic. You see like the Bluetooth, everyone the Bluetooth. Oh, those Bluetooth earpieces.

Remember those guys? Say what? They're like, who are you talking to? And then all the talk, they're on your set. Those things stopped. They ended. Yeah. Thank God.

Isn't that weird? Do you know of Ryan Sickler's story about that? No. He had a, he needed a tape for something. And so Ryan Sickler is one of my good friends, very funny comic set up. And you know what it's like when you're taping a set for something, you want everything to come together. Right.

So he sets up a camera in the back of the Hollywood Improved and records his own set and he's up there having a great set, killing, leave stage like I got, I got my set to submit to whatever thing he's sending it in for a comedy set or something. So he's just happy. He gets back to review it and a guy sitting next to the camera, the tripod, the camera as it like, as Ryan gets on stage is like, hello, huh? Comedy club, comedy. I'm at a comedy club.

And throughout Ryan's set, you just hear the guy on his phone call, keep saying over and over, comedy club, I'm at a comedy club. So that's what Ryan has a tape of is just a guy yelling. I'm at a comedy club. You know, yeah. How's it crazy? Bluetooth, man. Bluetooth.

Cleveland Improved. It did kind of get down. Interesting. I don't see them anymore. It was almost a point of, it was like a, like a floss. It was like showing, like you were telling people that you had one. Yes. It wasn't about I need to get calls all the time.

It was like, you see the blink and I'm like, I'm a business man. I'm falling. The Cleveland Improv. It was just like a sea of Bluetooth earpieces. Man, I got to get that one. By the way, that one was that was a terrible Cleveland seems to have made a comeback though. Cleveland is doing and I, you know, the improv. I've had great shows in that city that I, but that club, Cleveland Improv, I definitely

had some fucking really bad crazy shows. I mean, there was a guy arrested during the show who he sent back because it says one pound of chicken wings and he goes, that wasn't a pound. And they were like, that's what it is, man. He was like, take me to the kitchen and weigh them because I know that's not a pound. Oh my God. And they have a, by the way, this is one of the clubs that there's a permanent police officer stationed in the lobby.

And so they're like, no, he's like, well, I'm not paying for it. So they just get the cop and they go, Hey, here's the deal. And the cop goes, look, I thinking like this is, look, man, you're either paying for them or I'm taking you to jail. And the guy just goes, there you go. Go ahead. So they arrest him. Wow.

Over an order of chicken wings. He didn't want to pay for it. Wow. Cause it's not a pound. Dude. The Cleveland Improv. You've had merch stolen off your table. I had merch stolen at the Cleveland Improv.

Who stole your merch? These people like, they're like, we want a picture. And they like totally distracted me. And then when I looked down, I was like doing my own thing then, like, you know, I have 20 of these. There's like five gone, but they just set me up for a picture and then I turned back and they were gone. Wow.

Did you know who the people were? Did you see them leave? Did you go after them? I mean, I, it's like, I turned and I was like, Hey, I'm telling like the security guy, like they just stole it. He was like, yeah, it sucked, man. You know, like, like it wasn't like we're going to pursue this, you know, it is, man. People steal shit.

You're in Cleveland. Yeah. Trying to sell CDs. Yeah, man. Dude, that was such a rough. The first night I ever did the Cleveland Improv, uh, uh, John and a pimp, you know, I'm saying the pimp, the hooker and the John were getting in a fight right at the front row and they got thrown out.

Wait a minute. Dude took a hooker to a show. Yes. I found out later. I didn't know at the time and I was just starting my set. Here I am. My first time in Cleveland just trying to survive and I look and they're, they're getting ushered out.

I'm like, what happened? The hooker and the John, they're in a fight and they got arrested and they have to, yeah. I've had people vomit in my showroom on Cinco de Mayo, on Kentucky. At the Cleveland Improv once, like I was, I was grinding through a rough set and this guy in the third row goes, uh, he goes, that's terrible, man, like that like fully loud, like this guy's terrible. What's up, man? And then some lady in the back goes, your mama should have swallowed that nut.

Like, meaning like, isn't Cleveland? Yeah. The Cleveland Improv. Wow. I was like, damn. Yeah. I go, you dad should have stuck around to raise you and then like, I got out of there pretty quick.

What did she say when you said that? It was just, it was, there was so much oohing and awing and like, and swearing. And then she was, she was removed. So like, she was allowed to say her thing. I said my thing. And then there was like, fuck, fuck, fuck, like, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. And then they actually throw them out. What happened after that?

The show calmed down or no. Yeah. They let me, it was like, as I'm winding into the closing bit of the set. So I was like, it was right before I shut it down anyway. Like it was, I was about to close and then, yeah, I mean, I remember I walked pretty fast off stage though, as I got out of there, but that was, that was, there were some rough sets in that room. Yeah.

Cleveland's rough. Yeah. But, but Hilarities is pretty fucking different. That's different. Yeah. Pretty nice. Different. Yeah.

I mean, it's a rough little room and like, you know, I mean, the improv has great clubs. Don't get me wrong. Yeah. That's like a rough room. That was a different one. Yeah. I was there recently with Fitzsimmons. Hilarities?

Yeah. I was there on, I can't, I flew in on Thursday night. I had a show there on Friday and Fitzsimmons was there on Thursday. So I did a set on his show on Thursday. He's so funny. It was great. He's so funny. Oh, Fitzsimmons is great.

He's hilarious. We started out like a week apart from each other. What? Did you really? Yeah. Yeah. Literally a week apart. I just did his podcast a couple of weeks ago.

Like when we talk about the skill set of conversations, he's really good at it. Well, his dad was a big time radio host. Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. Big time in New York. Yeah. Wow. Greg and I did so many fucking gigs together.

We used to steal each other's material. What? We had a deal because we both, neither one of us were really, we really shouldn't have been working. You know, we were only doing... It was like 20 years ago? More. More?

Yeah. Like 89, 88. Wait, how long have you been doing it? Since 88. August 27th, 1988. Wow. So we're coming up on your anniversary. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. In 2018, it'll be my 30th anniversary. Wow. Wow. Crazy. I'm exactly half that. Yeah.

Yeah. And anyway, so Greg and I would do gigs when we're a year in and we'd get paid to go on the road. And so we had a deal. You could do my material, I'll do your material. That's a good idea. Because we were really good friends. Yeah.

You know, your fucking material was killing and Connecticut. And he was like serious. Yeah. Yeah. I would tell him, oh, you know that bit that you do? I did that in fucking Rhode Island. Yeah. But it was like, it was parachutes for you guys.

Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We really shouldn't have been working. Yeah. We were doing comedy a fucking year. Wow. And if something went bad, it went bad.

Yeah. You know, like I never recovered. Never. I mean, I can work. You know, you could have a shit joke and just bounce back from it. Totally. If somebody stumbled through something, you can bounce back from it. Back then, there was no, there was no recovery.

I remember opening on a bad joke and just riding that bad way for long sets. Yeah. Because you opened bad. Yeah. I didn't have a way to put it back together. Yeah. You come out stumbling. Yeah.

You just never get your balance back. Yeah. Now you open, if you open bad, you're like, ah, you know. Is there one place where you won't work, where you won't, where you won't get booked? It's just like, I'm not going there. Yes. Like, where is it? Cleveland, improv.

It's still to this day. Negative. Unless they cultivate a bad audience, right? That does happen. Yeah. The problem is, it's the same thing that happened with Miami did with their, with their club is that they used to like announce that you can get free tickets here. Yes.

So like, I remember one time going there working and I was like, check out this line. This is awesome. It's going to be, it's going to be great. And the guy goes, they're here for the free tickets. So like when you're, when you cultivate that this is free, it just, you know, it's, it's well, it diminishes the value. It does. But like, when you just go like, look, these are $5 tickets, you're making an investment

in your night in the show. Yeah. And that changes it. And I think Cleveland did a lot of that too. A lot of like, this is free. It's the worst thing you could ever do to a show, paper it, because then the people just start talking. They don't give a fuck.

They don't give a fuck. It doesn't mean anything. They'll get up and leave in the middle of the show. Yeah. Nothing invested in it. For me, it's Connecticut. I don't go to Connecticut. Yeah.

You told me that. You told me. Connecticut can suck my dick. The whole city or just a club? Yeah. No disrespect to anybody in Connecticut. No disrespect. No disrespect.

I did it like three times this year. Yeah. Woof. Yeah. All those people, you know, you know where you live. I did Yukon. I had a great time at Yukon. I did the college.

Yeah. A bunch of people from somewhere else. Yes. That is stuck in Connecticut. That's true. That's true. If I could guarantee that they'd bust people in from New York and Boston, I'd do a show there.

So you would never do, uh, the Fox Woods? Oh boy. Yeah. Fox Woods. Where are you most excited about to go on the store? I like Texas. Well, I mean, I just, I like going places where it's fun. Yeah.

There's something about Connecticut that's just bleak. Yeah. There's like a lack of opportunity. There's just something bleak about it. It's almost like an illegitimate state. It's like a highway between Boston and New York. That's really what it is. And it always feels like that when you're there.

Just feels weird. Like there's a lack, like almost like there's a sadness that permeates the show. Even when they laugh like, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I love that you hate a place that much. Yeah. I've had so many bad sets there. You know, I feel like I hate a lot of places when the cameras are off, we can talk about them though.

Oh, well Diaz and Ari and I did a show at Fox Woods a few years back, and I told them before, I go, it was like a Monday and a Tuesday night because they had a comedy club at Fox Woods. Oh yeah. Comedy club and restaurant. I had to put that on my website. I had a bad. Fox Woods comedy club and restaurant.

I had a bad one. They make you say and restaurant? Yeah. And make you? Make you. On your promos. They're like, could you fucking say the full name? Oh my God.

I had a bad one there. I had a bad set there. So did I. I don't think anyone had a great. That was the last time. And I was like, never again. I told you guys before, this is probably going to suck. And Ari was like, I knew it was going to suck, but I didn't know it was going to suck.

Yeah. Yeah, it sucked. Yeah. It's just, it's just the people were, they wouldn't stop heckling. They were yelling out during Ari's set, yelling out during, even Diaz is like, we just shut the fuck up. Yeah. I had someone thrown out of there and afterwards, like some of the staff was like, so what was

going on? And they're like, and the other thing is, here's the bad thing about people don't realize about casinos is that there's, there's like this total idea that it benefits any aspect of the casino to keep the customer happy regardless of every other circumstance. In other words, somebody is upset at the restaurant. Well, let's try to make it right because they're here at the casino. We want them to stay happy, keep getting, they go to a comedy show. Well, whatever they're doing, it's fine.

It's like, no, no, no, whatever they're doing is not fine because this, this is about the show, but the, the venues point of view is this is a gambler. This is somebody who's here to spend money. So we should always acquiesce to their desires and needs and don't, don't do anything to upset them. That's not how that works, man. Like this is, this is our show. My favorite with the casino gig is always how they, you know, you've got the ding, ding,

ding, ding, ding, the machine sounds and they're like, but there's a curtain that separates the comedy club from the ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, and you can still hear it. Like they actually have a show in Vegas at the south point, that dirty, dirty, like you're, you can look out and you see the casino while you're on stage, the back of the room. There's the bar. The fucking casino is right there. Um, it's weird. Can I ask you, would you ever date your mom?

Oh, definitely not. First of all, she's older than me. Yeah. Second of all, she's my mom. Well, why? She's, I'm your mom and you're my son and I am falling in love with him. He said, are you really? I said, yes, I am.

He said, you know what? I was scared to let you know too. I am too. We're both consenting adults if, if it comes down to it, you know, it's just like the gays. They're, they're, you know, as long as they're over 18, everything's fine. You know what I mean? The U.S. wants to jail them for 18 months.

Well, that'll fix it. They got arrested. They actually got arrested. Oh, well, they should definitely arrest him. Where's the fuck if you want to fuck your mom? That's our point. That's true. Who cares?

I don't care. I don't care at all. But I think it's that he wants to marry his mom. There comes the legality. This is shit. Yeah. She's got a tattoo on her face. Yeah.

Is that? Go back to her. Go back to her face. I definitely like relaying that it is just like the gays. It's the same. It's the same. But there's nothing quite like marrying your mom. It's very strange, though, to see them making out.

It's horrendous. Ask them. Will you ever date your mom? Will you date your son? I said, all is true with the S. I would, because 19 years, you're the best thing that ever happened to me and I really want to be with you the rest of my life. She's like a dumpy bag of potatoes, tattoo on her face. It's just like the gays.

You're the best thing they ever asked me. Ask them. There's no K in that. Ask them. Ask them. Marry your mom. That's a tell. There's no doctors that say, ask them.

Where is it hurt? Ask them. Well, the grammar is bad. I almost feel like that's fake. It's so crazy. It feels like it. But I think it is real, because I read follow-up articles about getting arrested and everything. So what do they do?

You got to stop fucking the car? We're going to stop. I don't know how they do it. I think it's the marriage part. Not the fucking. Yeah, that's true. But I also feel like if you're fucking or you want to get married to your mom, you just stay inside and don't shut the fuck up about it.

It's that they're doing this. See, that's the problem with today's society is that everybody has to be out and proud about every stupid fucking thing they're doing. What happened to a little sense of shame? Keep it inside. You know it's fucking weird. You know it's weird. It's just like with the gays.

Right? Yeah, it's just exactly like those gays, Joe. With the gays. It's just like the gays. It's just like the gays. What a crazy quote. It's so not like the gays. No, no, no.

As long as they're the gay people, it's definitely, unless you're fucking your dad. It's different. Yeah. Well, that's different. Well, speaking of that. Do your incest fantasies haunt you? Do you feel guilt or shame around them? Maybe you've never allowed yourself to have them because you think you would be a horrible

person if you ever went there. So it's all suppressed. She went on to say that she started to masturbate and then thought of everyone in her family and realized the only one that turned her on was her dad. She thought about her mom and her son and all these people and she was like, they didn't do anything for me. Dad did. And it also made me think.

It's just like the gays. Real quick. When we were, when I did, I don't know if you were with me that time when I did, what's it called? Jim, when it was opium, Jim, and we watched that. Were you with me when we watched the footage of the guy at the carport? The guy in the garage, the Asian guy? Oh, Jesus.

Which one was it? What was it? Let me see. So depressing. This footage. It's a car backing into a garage, like a mechanic shop, basically. And a watch his face while this plays. Did you just look familiar or no?

Not yet. I've seen too much. Yeah, that's true. Because people ask, like, different views on this. I'm not seeing a lot of laughter on Joe's face. Your face, I see a lot of laughter. That dude's broken. I broke that dude.

Check out how concerned his friends are. It's like, something happened? Look at it. Look at how fucking cold that guy is. I still don't hear Joe's laughter. It's not really of... I deal with too many injuries, man. Injuries to me aren't funny.

Really? Oh, that's interesting. Let's keep going with this thread. Why aren't injuries funny, Joe? I see people get fucked up all the time. That guy's got broken legs, broken hip, like the impact with the cement wall and then the toolbox and then his legs.

The legs are the soft thing. The legs are gonna give. That's kind of funny, though. Something funny about that to me. Wait a minute. Wait, that's interesting. What did you just say, Joe? That's not funny to me.

Yeah, me neither, because I think we have empathy for our people. That guy's got broken legs. I feel like you guys worked this out before. No, I really don't know. I'm not good with injuries. Really? Yeah, I see too many injuries.

Here's my problem. Oh, my God. I've always laughed. I think it's because of my own fear of them probably on some level. I've always had a... I remember one time I worked construction in Florida one summer,

and one of the former was like, I had a bathtub dropped on my neck and I started laughing so hard, like tears running down my face. He had a bathtub dropped on his neck. And he had a permanent morphing pack sewn into his insides, just drip it on his neck.

And I go, oh, Jesus, I just laughed and laughed. I couldn't stop laughing. That's so crazy. But I mean, it's not even... It's not a calculated choice to laugh. It just happens. That's why I think it's because I actually fear it happening. Yeah, if it's not calculated,

it just starts happening. It just starts happening. Control yourself. Yeah, I can't control myself. I see so many injuries. That's true. You see people's heads get bashed in. You gotta realize,

I've probably seen more people fuck people up, like physically in fights than maybe almost anybody who's ever lived. That's probably true. Up close. Yeah. I've called...

I mean, there's probably a few guys that are closing in on me now, numbers-wise, other commentators on fights, but I've commentated thousands of fights. Yeah. Think about that.

All the different concussions I've seen, all the different knockouts. Now, here's the funny thing is that I really don't... I don't laugh when I see head trauma. No? No, it doesn't do it to me. Like leg trauma, does it?

Leg trauma. Yeah. Screaming. The screaming is like... It makes me laugh. And his pelvis being crushed by the car, it's hilarious. Although, Stevo did show me this new guy

that he's working with. Stevo's like mentoring some young psycho who's doing a lot of like Jackass-style stunts. And this kid put on a Speedo and rode a skateboard off of a makeshift ramp into a pile of cactuses. It was so fucking crazy.

I was watching this guy. Like, oh my god. Like my whole body. You know that thing we get when you see someone about to get in an accident? Yeah. And like intense adrenaline pumps through your body. And like, it's almost like you feel like

sharp pointers all over your skin. Yeah. That's how I felt when I saw I watched this kid launch his body into the cactus. No. We saw one last week. Remember that?

Yeah, I don't talk about it again. Where this dude was trying to do a Jackass stunt. And he tied a rope around his nut sack and tied the other end to a tree and then ran and jumped. Oh no. Did he rip his balls off? Yeah.

Did he die? Well, I don't know. Oh no. But he's got no balls anymore. His nut popped out. Oh man. Is there a video of this? Yeah.

Don't show it to me. You don't want to see it. God damn it. Oh, I can't. Oh. I can't. I can't. I can't.

Oh, oh. Oh, shit. Get off. Get off. Oh my nuts. My nut came out. What? Dipshit.

My nut came out. Well, what did you think was going to happen? Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Why would you even do that? I can't even look at that.

I can't even look at that. I don't like. I can't. Yeah. See, like that doesn't make me laugh. I can't even look at that. I can't even look at that. I can't even look at that.

See, like that doesn't make me laugh. That definitely freaks me out. But do you think that, I mean, this is like a cliche thing to say. But don't you think that that in some ways is evolution? Like that there are. Wiping that dude out. There's dumb people that will do dumb things. And it's almost, they're supposed to die or lose their ability.

I mean, it's kind of symbolic that this guy is tying this to his reproductive organ. You're right. And now you're right. Maybe it's an unconscious wish fulfillment. Like he doesn't want to live to reproduce. Yeah. There's something there. I mean, what could, what would be best case scenario there?

It would hurt his balls and they wouldn't rip off. Yeah. Right, right. He jumped with that rope. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Okay. All right. All right. Oh my God. Oh my God. Anything else, Gene?

Far, yeah. Anything? Far. I wanted to talk about your morning farts, but that, you know, I got it. My morning farts as opposed to what? Evening farts. They're different. Well, I'm a real, I don't know if you are, I wake up with lots of noises.

No, just all. I'm like, I'm hot. Porky fart. I'm a symphony. I'm a symphony. Do you find that you're digestive tract and everything is working better? Excuse me, working better since your diet? 100%.

Yeah. It's a lot worse. And now it's much better. Yeah. He used to have like diarrhea every day. Yeah. I think he's allergic to sugar or some reaction to sugar. Oh, I think everybody is.

When I have, like even now, you know, I'll be pretty clean for a number of days, you know, even weeks. I'll be like, I'm going to eat this right now and I'll indulge in something rich in sugar. It fucking never agrees with me. Oh, it kills you. Yeah. You got used to it for a while, right? Yeah.

And now that you're not used to it, your body doesn't know what to do with it. What is this? It's just that in a lot of times what I want is just like a taste of something. I always have a bite and I'll be like, I'm actually, I used to go like, I'll have 70 bites of that. And now it's like one or two kind of satisfies it. Yeah. And then I don't feel sick.

Isn't that zevious stuff? Fucking amazing. Dude. I love it. I hate it. Did you? Yeah. She hates it.

The water guy spit it out. You wouldn't even drink. The water guy. Yeah. Martin, Risa spit it out. But my theory on it is this though, as somebody who's like restricting themselves from sweetness all the time, it's like an indulgence you can have. Yes.

So it is like, I notice it's a lot, it's too sweet for a lot of people's palate, but you don't know how much sugar they're regularly having. Yeah. In other words, for me, I feel like it's that, it's like the free cheat, right? So you have your zevia, you taste sweetness again. It's not, it doesn't bother me even a little. I enjoy the taste. You know what, I feel like it's too synthetic tasting.

That's what bothers me. It's like, I like the Dr. Pepper alike taste, but I like a liqueur. I'd rather do that. Oh, those are great. I love those too. Those are so light. Yes. But you know, they have zevia water where it's just like the tiniest hint of flavor.

It's more like a liqueur. Okay. Yeah. So they have the zevia soda. They have zevia energy drinks too, which are amazing. They're really good. You know what? There's so much better tasting than Red Bull.

Oh yeah. Yeah, totally. People, we get a lot of song submissions. People send in songs they make. Do you know like somebody made Let's Go Water Champ that you said into a song? Like, and they do please tell the audience so I can have a pretty good that you're impressed with my water consumption. So who's the water champ?

You're the water champ. You've been the water champ for as long as I've known you. Pound in the water. Pound in the water. You've been the water champ for so long. Propaganda. Let's go. Let's go.

Let's go. Water Champ. Pound in the water. Pound in the water. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

Water Champ. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Water Champ. Pound in the water. How many waters do you have right now? Does that bother you?

You guys are competitive. All the time. Are you guys competitive with everything? Just where it counts. Are you guys competitive with stand up? No. Just where it's important. Zero.

Personality. Literally zero. That's probably why we transferred into like water and personality. Yeah. It's never in like, this is a real argument. No. But like. I mean, it was real when we were arguing initially about who drinks more water.

Like, I thought it was absurd. Because I do. We got angry. No. I had a doctor tell me I should stop drinking so much water. What kind of doctor was he? Urologist. He goes, you're drinking too much.

You drink far less. You have to remember, she's an exaggerator. Oh my God. Did he really tell you to stop drinking water? Yes. He goes, how much are you drinking? And I told him. He goes, you don't need to do that.

That's a myth. He goes, just drink when you're thirsty. You're over hydrating. True story. You over hydrate them? You can if you go. You can die. Really, really nuts.

Yeah. If you go like, like a radio contest or crazy. When we, when we do water cut for the Wayans, I mean, I don't know exactly what, I know I didn't feel good, but I drank over a gallon of water, like during that pot, the last podcast and didn't have to pee yet. I remember that. You kept throwing down the water. We talked about it.

You had like nine or 10 fucking bottles in front of you. But I mean, that's not good. Probably your body was like so craving water, but you just wanted to win that and run it away. Oh my God, Joe. That was a horrible, the two or three days leading up to those Wayans were just horrible at our house. I mean, he was taking hot baths and then going into the jacuzzi and drinking distilled water

and then going to Burke Williams and doing the sauna. And then I thought he was going to die. You really did it though. That was what was impressive about it. It's like you fucking went for it. Like Burt was kind of pretending to be going for it, which is really interesting because you were talking shit to him and I know you're being comedic, but you were also being honest. You're like, that's what's calling playing catch up suckers.

You guys want to buy into that shit? Yeah. Yeah. He was trying to catch up at the end. That's true. Whereas you had a sustained effort, a disciplined effort over a long period of time. From the jump off, I knew that that would be the two ways psychologically that we'd go.

I knew from the very beginning that he had to deal with his craziness. That was the thing about crazy. And I even talked to him about that and I said, the crazy is going to help you. I go, but you're going to need more than the crazy. I go, because your crazy is going to help you, but your body can only lose so much weight over a short period of time. So don't think that, because Tom's not fucking around. I go, he's really doing this.

So like you can't just rely on crazy. He's like, I know, I know, I know, I know. I'm only drinking double T-dos and sodas and like, why are you so crazy? He's so crazy. His videos, he's always so drunk. I worry about him, man, because he's like, what, 46 now or something like that? How old is he? He's 43.

Oh, that's not off. No, but I just meant that he looks older. But what's crazy is, okay, but here's the thing, say he's 43. You can't do that when you're 50. I agree. No. I agree. I mean, you kind of can, but you're, you're going to fall apart.

Well, you can if you have those Mickey Man-o-jeans. Yeah. That long form DNA. Long strand DNA. Yeah. There comes a point in time where your body's like, Hey, man, you can't do this every day. Yeah. No, it's enough.

He does have an incredible Stanima to the ability, you know, like, I'm like, I admittedly not a party guy, but man, like if I have a few drinks and I'm 38, I mean, I feel it for days. Yeah. He has that like, he's just like, what, let's go out and I'm like, dude, like when we, when you sent, very graciously sent us to go watch the calves and warriors play for doing the weight loss thing. You know, I mean, we were like drinking in the morning and I was like, I gotta go take

a nap. And he's just like, he's like, I'll be at the bar, see you in a little while. And I just, you know, I, I took a nap and like, I mean, I had to like really pace myself. By the way, whatever came out of that with Ari, Ari, well, as I mean, people know now, he's, he was gone for a long time, right? He, uh, finally came back from his, uh, his vision quest and he four months. So jealous. 85% of it was to avoid his debt with you guys as long as I just don't have an email or

don't answer my phone. He said that he, he did a podcast where he opened up by saying it was because, uh, Tom's tastes were so outrageous. Yeah. He snacks on caviar. Yeah. So that's pretty funny. Yeah.

It was pretty, it was very funny. His podcast coming back was hilarious. It was very funny. And he was actually even joking around that that was why, yeah, that he ran. Um, he's like, he called me, he goes, all right, where do you, where do you want to go? And I go, I don't know. He's like, I've got to fucking do something.

I get, like, I get like a hundred tweets a day, like, I told him, I already took care of it. I did. I told him, I don't, there's no, I don't want to go to a fun, but he was like, Oh, I'll take you somewhere. Well, he fucked up when it, when it happened at the time, yeah, you're supposed to step up then. Yeah.

He was trying to figure it out of it. Yeah. Oh, no, no, no, no. It's supposed to five things shorter than, I'm like, all right, man. Yeah. Well, what was his, his, his argument, the BMI, he was like, he's like, well, BMI wise, you're not actually six feet, you're five, 11 and eight tenths. So your actual BMI to get out of that had to be, if you were an inch taller or no,

he said 25 pounds, right, dude. It was kind of right down paper with him. I know, I know. I learned my lesson. There's some other crazy shit he's saying now. I'll tell you later. But. Stan and now we should, we should, we should wrap this up.

So is there anything else you have? No, Jane. All right. Thank you for coming, Joe. Yeah, thank you so much. We'll do this. We do this rundown at the top of dates, but just so you know, you can go to JoeRogan.net slash tour.

He's doing, you better hop on it because you added all these shows and those are going to go quick. Yeah. Added second shows to like a lot of places. Yeah. Here's the song How I Glass by Young Patreon on our way out. Thanks a lot for coming, man. My pleasure.

Thanks for having me. Thank you. Yeah. Five's a ranch, baby, but to put this down. Young Patreon. Patreon. Put that down. Young Patreon.

Put that down. Patreon, get it. Just slipping along this metal mic. We've been slipping along. This big huge metal. That's glass now here every day. Let's glass. Let's glass.

Let's glass. Let's glass. Let's glass. Let's glass. Let's glass. Let's glass. Let's glass. Let's glass.

Let's glass. Let's glass. I'ma put that moose right on his ass. Ain't you heard this is how I glass? Holy cow. Holy cow is right. My fucker said goodnight. Pull back my string and set my sight.

Send my arrow into flight. I got a really bad bite. 20 seconds. It's 20 seconds. I'ma lose my shit. You ever seen the moose cut out that quick? I'm about to marry my dad. What you know about that, boy?

Woo! Best dad, but on a ride I never had. I'm a self-trained punk trying to sniff my dad. Some smell of his piss, a scent of his ass. A few loads of cum, cause you know that I'm bad. Ain't got no tail, put that plug in my ass. It's just like the games. When you marry your dad.

You got me coming, those balls. Had a double pipe glass that came over all. F-A-R-T. Diamonds in the crevice of your pussy. Vick and vaginas. Do you know how much money my smile is? I got a really bad bag. Got a really bad bite.

Call me dute, take by the end of the night. Woo! Just slipping along this meadow, mate. We've been slipping along this big huge bed over here. Just glassing out here every day. Let's glass. Let's glass. Let's glass.

Let's glass. I'ma put that moose right on his ass. Ain't too hurt, this is hard glass. Cause he a dick hang lower than the balls. Yeah. To the tip now, yeah. I'm the water champ like a waterfall. With a perrier, I'ma drink it all.

How you feel about this? Before you hit the shower, get away from your pit. I like my hand, my swing and love. Now you can shit my mouth with a hand, my call. Let's glass. Let's glass. Let's glass. I got a moose.

Let's glass. Let's glass. Let's glass. Let's glass. I got a moose. Let's glass. Let's glass. Let's glass.

I got a moose. Let's glass. Let's glass. Let's glass. Let's glass. I got a moose.