Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 398-Top Dog & Charo-Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura

Episode Date: May 31, 2017

Do you like heavy breathing into the mic? CHECK! What about laughing uncontrollably at street jokes? BOOM! Anybody poop their pants lately? You guessed it, Top Dog is in the building and he brought his Peruvian princess with him.  Before we get to that we've got people marrying themselves and buildings, plus what's the opposite of a happy Dad Boner? Is it Dad Rage? Whatever it is, we found him too.   

I'm so excited to announce that I am taping my one hour special in Seattle in Meat Rattle at the show box theater June 24th. You can get tickets on my website thousand ranch dot com spelled out thousand ranch dot com you sign up and they will give you tickets. There's like a list that they combine and whatever. There you go. June 1st through 3rd Denver at the comedy works. Okay, you're good. You're good. Sorry. Okay. That's this weekend in Denver and then June 16th and 17th man friend disco at the punchline and then June 22nd. I run the set for the last time before taping at flappers comedy club in the you who room and then June 24th the big day in Seattle. Also July 9th. We are doing your mom's house

live at the Irvine improv. You can get tickets at my website and Tommy's as well. And then August 23rd. We're doing YMH live at West Palm Beach at the improv there. There you go. Get your tickets now guys. Boom. Let's see. I will be Tucson, Arizona at the Rialto Theater June 9th Reno at the Grand Theater at the Grand Sierra resort June 10th and June 11th. I'm at Pachanga and from there I go to the south of Virginia north and south Carolina in July later in the month. I'm in Montreal, Hampton Beach, Wilmington Delaware and Baltimore, Balzenhorst, Maryland, the Modell Performing Arts Center at the Lyric. And then of course I am off to mom's Australia. I'm doing the Brisbane, Sydney, Melbourne and Perth. You

can get tickets at tomseguro.com slash tour. We're doing the podcast live July 9th in Irvine, sperm vine and then August 23rd, Breastballs Beach, Florida. And then again in October in Irvine. Those will go fast. Make sure you get your tickets. And by the way, I get to on June 9th. My fall dates go on tour. Everybody's been asking for dates go on sale on sale. Everyone's been asking me of specific cities like when you come in this city, that city. I announce it's more than 20 cities. June 9th they go on sale and I will I think I'll announce them next week. So because it'll go on sale I think on that Friday. So if you've been asking me about certain cities that I haven't been to this year, there's a good chance that I'm coming June 9th.

All right. Wonderful. If you go to merchmethod.com slash tomseguro or you can actually just go to my site and click through the the store banner there. You can see we've added a bunch of stuff, a glass and poster tour poster, the Jean Jean hoodie, mostly stories and completely normal restocked and autographed and a whole bunch more. So those are all there. Go to merchmethod.com slash tomseguro and the Stanama shirt. Of course, Stanama is doing real well. So thank you guys for your support on those things. Of course, if you go to your momshousepodcast.com, you click on the Amazon banner and do the Amazon shopping you normally would do. We get a little kickback. It helps support the show. Just they have a UK banner. We have a Canada banner and of course the

regular US banner. It all helps the show. Thank you for supporting us that way. Here you go. Episode 398 of your mom's house pomcast. All right. Here we go. First time going over the new bridge. Bridge. Waiting for this for three years. Oh, look at this. Here we go. Here we go. Look at the river. Sweet. Sweet. Oh my God.

Sweet. Sweet. Oh my God. It's going to be, it's going to be like 20, more than 20. Yeah, all right. Yeah. Check the river. Yeah, look at the river. That was so funny.

I can't believe it. I spit my water out. I don't want to turn the wrong earphones. You're going to live it at me. Dude, there's, there's, I can't hear myself. You can't hear yourself? No. Is my mic on?

Yeah, it's on. No, Jean. Hello, hello, hello. Hello, hello. Oh, there it is. Twisting the wrong one. You want to know something yesterday? What?

I had Top Dog and Charo in here. We'll get to that obviously a little bit later. Yeah. 30 minutes into talking to them. I play something for them to watch and my dad goes, I can't hear it. And I go, you can't hear it? And he goes, no.

I go, well, can you hear me right now? And he goes, no. Oh my God. He never plugged them in. No, they were unplugged. He just sat with headphones on, unplugged. Not even. And I was like, didn't it occur to you

that there was no sound coming through? No. It's so funny because they're so accustomed to whatever is happening. Like they just, you know, it's kind of like how bitsy is. Yeah. They give you, put like a towel on her head. She just lets it stay there.

I want to give credit for that song that looked like the river by Matt Mercer. That was so funny the way she spit out. I took a sip of water and then I had to spit it back into the Fiji bottle. That was so funny. That was great. The composition of the dad boner was outstanding.

His enthusiasm was just ridiculous. Yeah. Look at the river. He's so excited about driving on a fucking bridge. Somebody sent in an anti dad boner. We're supposed to play that little. Oh, goodness. There's a lot to talk about.

I mean, we had my parents here for five days. It was a whirlwind situation. A whirlwind weekend. Not a whirlwind. It's a whirlwind. It was a blessing in the skies. Wow. It was.

It was autistic. It was autistic. It was voluptuous. Yeah. Listen, we're listening. Welcome to all our new listeners. Welcome to your mom's house. Mom, cash.

And there's a lot to go over today. Oh, my god. Last few weeks have been big weeks on this show because we had Martin Risse, the water sommelier. The Vossa sommelier. That episode got a lot of traction. A lot of people are really interested in what he had to say. I haven't touched our tap water since.

I mean, our hydro or whatever. Buying water differently since that day. I've been buying Fiji water for us. I know, but also even when in restaurants, I'll say what type of water. And the guy, even yesterday, he goes, we have triple purified, blah, blah, blah. Or we have this spring water.

I'll bring the spring water. Yeah. I've been ordering it to you. It was a life-changing experience. And then Mr. Joe Rogan came last week. That was a fun time. That was really fun. We got him to drink the Hungarian water.

Yeah. He liked it. Pretty good stuff. That was super fun. OK. Well, why don't we start the show? And we'll go from there. OK, Gene, let's do our opening clip and get going.

Yes. Yes. It's Monday. Look at the river. Sophie Tanner just celebrated her second wedding anniversary this week. Two years ago, her poor dad walked her down the aisle in public and gave his daughter away to herself.

In what's called celogamy, Sophie Tanner married herself. This shit is big time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Don't burn me in the fucking stand. Well, welcome. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura, Tom Segura, and Christina Pajitse.

Welcome to your mom's house. There you go. So a whole new world just opened up to us. Marrying yourself. I, me, wed. Why are more women choosing to marry themselves? Boy. They have bad personalities.

Yeah, I'm thinking they're called. I could think of a few reasons. Sad. Yeah. Lonely. Because you need to look in the mirror and change things inside and out. What do you mean, why are they choosing to marry?

If someone's not choosing to marry you, then, you know. But here's the thing. You got problems, yo. Yeah, I think, I think you just say single, right? If you're like, hey, I'm not into marriage, which is totally valid. But they want to celebrate being single. Oh, like I'm, you know what?

That's like, that's like, that's like the girls are like, I'm happy being single. I'm proud being like, no, you're not. If you're happy, you just, you just are. You don't have to tell people, right? Yeah. No. Yeah.

And they want it to be, they're saying like these societal norms are unfair and or just, you know, not recognizing that that's something to celebrate. In other words, we celebrate you being with somebody else. But what about celebrating me not being with somebody else? She said, everyone celebrates getting together with someone and becoming married. But there's no milestone in society

that celebrates escaping something awful or returning to your own happiness and contentment. Ouch. Yeah. Escaping something awful. That, is that what she thinks marriage is? Like, I wonder what you're hopeful. Or maybe she escaped a bad relationship

and she wants to celebrate that. Then that's a different story. That should be a different party altogether. Yeah, it's not a. It's still on a wedding. Salogamy. Erica Anderson, who of course lives in Brooklyn, also married herself.

Of course, of course. I think it's hard not to adopt whatever society's messages are. And I certainly think that one of the messages is, you are not enough if you are not with someone else. Okay. Or you could just ignore societal messages and not have to do something like that. You know, she, she seemed cute enough, right?

Yeah. I'm sure she's fine. Yeah. That just must be once you talk to her, you're like, oh, God. Yeah, she's a nightmare. Why don't you fucking marry yourself? And then she goes, I will. I think I will.

Yeah. I think I will. I don't know, man. Yeah. I don't know about even acting like this is a good thing. I don't know. I think I don't. Then again, I don't care.

I don't give a shit. The thing is that I think they want the celebration of a wedding and like they want to wear the dress and stuff. I totally get that. In which case, isn't that kind of like a quinceanera or like a coming out party? Yeah. Can we call it something else?

Like marrying yourself. It's kind of sad, right? So would you rather marry yourself or? Ask them, will you ever date your mom? Oh my God. You can't date your mom. I'd marry myself. I'd stay alone and sad my whole life and date my mom.

It's just like the gaze. What would you do? Of course I would marry myself over dating my mom. Of course. That's so crazy. I don't know. I mean, look, I feel like I've made fun of so many of these people. And then you get to know why.

I know. And then you're always like, oh, OK. Well, she was abused or whatever. Well, yeah, but just don't do this. That's what I would say to. I think that she's probably a nice lady. And if you talk to her, you'd be like, I understand. But also, could you just not do this?

You need not be annoying. And also too, do you have to divorce yourself? Like, does she have to make this legal? What are the? Because this isn't legal to begin with, right? It's silly. This is not recognized. It's nonsense.

You can't walk in and go, are you single or married? I'm married. It's nonsense. I'm married to me. Yes, it's stupid. You know what someone would say to you? Stop fucking around. Stop being mentally ill.

Yeah. Stop being crazy. Stop being crazy. They're just like, in France, they let you marry dead people. Which is like not. It's also stupid. No point. Yeah.

Yeah, OK. Tanner says you can be more lonely in a relationship that's not functioning than just being on your own. And a lot of people don't realize that. You can waste your life waiting for the one when you are the one yourself. Oh, boy. Yeah, I mean, these are just.

I think these people, they need to find therapists. Yeah. You need to find your therapist. You're not you're not fooling anyone. First of all, you know, I'm I'm too strong. I'm a strong woman. That's why that's why men can't handle me. I'm a strong woman.

Yeah. No, you're just you're annoying. Nobody likes you. There's always that thing. I do feel like it comes from women almost exclusively, you know, not to be unfair, but what the can't handle me. Yes, I have guys. I never hear guys say she's couldn't handle me, bro.

Like guys never say that to women. A lot of women who are crazy will say stuff like he just can't handle my success or like my personality or I'm too successful. I'm too big. Like that's not why I'm too much this like he's too successful. You know, I think he needs a girl. I'm a woman. Right.

Stuff like that. You're like, that's all code for you need. You need help. Yeah. I remember I went out with this girl a couple of times in college. Yeah. And then I blew her off and then months later, you know, I ran into her and she had this really snappy.

Like she was, she acted like everything was cool. And then she was like, have you found a girl? Because I know you like girls, like the young girls and not women. I just wanted to be like, look, you're built like a fucking linebacker. Like that's, that's why we didn't go out again. Is that why? Yeah, I just wasn't attracted to it. It was a physical.

Yeah. So you, so you thought maybe it could work and then you got to look at her and you were like, nah, I just know I went out, we had dinner and we had drinks. Right. And then you go like, this is a interesting person and everything, but I'm not attracted to you. What are you supposed to do? There's nothing you can't force.

You can't force me to try and see. And that's the part that sucks about dating is that you can't just tell somebody the truth. Like, hey dude, you know what? I'm just not feeling you chemistry. There's no, yeah. Yeah. I mean, I could have conversations with her because she was really intelligent.

It was fun to talk to her. Right. I enjoyed it, but like, I'm not into you in that way. What was her tit situation? It was like a small medium situation. So they weren't hungry, but they weren't hungry now. They were enough. Yeah.

But like, I just, you need them fat and sloppy. Yeah. I mean, see, big slops, big milk drops, big G cups. I want to hang. I want to put a bucket under those tits. Just drip all night. Stupid. I've had that too.

Like, when I was dating people back before Friendster was around you and I started dating and I always found it hard to tell somebody that. Like, you know what, bro? It's just not like, I can't say that. I don't feel it. That's a horrible conversation to have. I can't have that. Well, because they'll always interpret it as like, I'm not enough, which of course,

and it's a normal reaction to be like, am I not enough? Am I not cool enough for this person? Am I not attractive? Am I too this, too that? And you're like, no dude, they could be a fucking loser. And they just did you a huge favor by rejecting you, bro. Of course. Yeah, it's, but marrying yourself.

That's, isn't that like a public declaration of sadness? Like, well, here's another, no, this is another level. This is another level. And also, this is sort of a dead ringer for you, too. Oh, I'm serious. I hate you. I'm serious. Okay, here we go.

I love her outfit though. Oh boy. Oh boy. Did you hear what she said? She's marrying a train. Yeah. Well, a train depot. A train depot.

The train station, essentially. But I noticed that her gear is a lot like what you would wear. Her gear is exactly what I want. You love her fanny. I love her fanny. It looks like a onesie. Hell yeah, dude. She has similar cans, right?

Yep. Do you think that she's wearing a good bra or no? Check, check, check, check. No, no, she needs to come with me to North room and get, and get fitted. But I like her style. I like where she's going in life. Yeah. I almost have more respect for her marrying the train station.

Yeah. Just because it's, it's something outside of yourself. As opposed to marrying yourself. Yeah. It's very narcissistic and solipsistic to be like, I love me, me, me, me. Then you're, you're in, if you're, if you're all about you, your whole life, you're going to be miserable. At least she's into the train station.

I mean, for our listeners, could you describe her? Besides saying you with dark hair. Can you, can you describe her? Yeah, totally me. It's, she's me. She's my twin. Yeah. Brunette.

She's, okay, she's a little bit of what you would call dumpy. Yeah. That's a dumpy look. Uh, like it's like a mechanics outfit, but pink. She's not wearing a bra at all. So they're really low and hangy. Yeah. And then she's got like an awesome fanny pack.

It's black. Yeah. She's just kind of, she looks like droopy dog. Yeah. A little bit. Yeah. But whatever dude, she's happy. Look at those tits, man.

As the Santa Fe train. And I know her as, oh, it's, she's a lesbian too. My friend, my life partner, my wife, Deidre Santa Fe. Deidre, she gave her a name. But she has to share her wife with all these people. Doesn't that upset her? It doesn't seem like she's that upset. Look, this thing has a water bottle in it.

I know those tits. They should be like up around this area. Right? Some, yeah, I could just hire. And that's all that is, is a lack of a bra of the right size. Yeah. I mean, she has something on. I see it here.

Could be. No, I think it might be the wire. Oh, right. That they, they put a lot of, they're just sitting right now. Just hanging. Wow. Dude, I don't know. I mean, look, wouldn't that be better for her back to wear a good one?

It's better for everybody. It's actually better for all of society if she does, because we don't want to. Look at it. It's like that woman we saw at the restaurant. Yeah. There's a lady that walked into the restaurant we were dining at who had hangers just like this. They were, they were lower though.

They were down here near the waist. She has all buttons the whole. Bro, it's such a, it's all bad. And that lady was wearing like a lycra top in the restaurant. It was crazy. So the fabric was very unforgiving. Yeah. It shows your flaws.

And so the tits had picked up momentum. Like, you know, when they hit each other, they go in circles and they hit each other. And then she sat down and then we all took turns getting up to go to the bathroom to try it, but they were under the table. Yeah, that's the problem. They were sitting under the table. Imagine that you're at a table and some ladies tits are sitting underneath the table. That's where they were.

And can I tell you, as somebody who, when I take my bra off, this is what my tits look like now, more or less, but I wear bras, dude, because I don't want to present myself like this, like a crazy person. Oh boy. Since the end of the summer of 2015, I realized I was in love when I had trouble staying away from her when I had to go home. I hated it when I had to go home. I really could see you wearing that.

Yeah, I could too. Yeah. No, I'm, I feel like you've worn versions of that. Probably. I actually pointed out an outfit to your mother yesterday identical to that at Nordstrom. I did. Um, you think she's mentally ill?

Yeah, severely, but at least again, this is an externalization of, of one's stuff. You know what I mean? Like at least give your love to something or someone, a building, an external, it's Oh boy, she's kissing it. She's touching the walls now. I like how she's mic'd and we, you pick up the audio only from the camera. Really good job guys. I love looking out at the other buildings.

We watched, we watched that building being built together. Oh, oh, so her and the building watch buildings. Yeah. Yeah, she's not doing so well. They're hobby. If they don't understand why I'm the last, I don't understand why they're, why they have to love each other, but I respect them and I hope the world respects me. All right, good luck.

Hmm, there should be mutual respect for, I guess so. I guess that poses the ultimate question. Marry yourself, marry a building, marry your mom. Uh, fuck, I'd have to choose, uh, fuck, God, that's tough. I'd choose a building. Really? Yeah. Cause you can be like, we, at least you're technically married to something.

If it's a really beautiful, like there are beautiful buildings. And then, and the environments fun to go to, yeah, I would say marry to a building for a while, like the empire state building. Super cool. Yeah. That's a good building. Would they let you marry it? How?

Who cares? There's so many suitors. Notre Dame. Oh, yeah. That'd be cool. I remember asking where the Notre Dame was when I, to a local policeman. Yeah. I got off a subway and I was like, I learned that I think it was like,

where is the Notre Dame? Oh, that's good. He went, uh, well, well, I was just, I was just, I was just, I was, I was, I was like, I was just not at the whole time. And at the end he was like, huh? There you go. Thank you, sir. Don't ask.

Merci. Merci buckets. Merci buckets, man. What would you do? You bear in building or would you marry yourself? No, I'd marry a building for a while. Like I said, if it was a really nice building and I liked the area. Yeah.

I can go to the same place for a while. What if we just married this house? That'd be way easy. Yeah. Yeah, dude. You don't have to go anywhere. You don't have to go anywhere. You hang out with your spouse all the time.

What about this level? You marry your mom. 21 year old Saku Aruno of a Saku works in a supermarket and sings in a J-pop band. His girlfriend's name is Manaka. She's 16. They're a love plus couple. Here, Saku slips into the role of a schoolboy and meets the virtual Manaka while playing the game.

So it's a simulation dating. Like that movie. Right. Oh, I've seen that. Yeah, that's a good movie. That's a good movie. Isn't that Joaquin? Forget everything.

I pretended I was the new kid at school and decided to check out the tennis team. When I first saw Manaka, she was tending the grounds and we had a chat. That's how our relationship started. Since then, we've become closer and closer. Well, what's your fucking pronoun? Because it doesn't seem to be the one I thought it was. Yeah, what pronoun is they? They is, you know, teeth.

What's your pronoun? They got teeth pronoun. Look at those two-faces. Damn. Really, really kind of toeing that line of pronoun. Saku Aruno spends about three hours a day with his virtual girlfriend. She's always with him because Love Plus runs on Nintendo DS, a mobile emulator. Saku once had a real girlfriend, too, but not for long.

Now he's devoted to Manaka alone. Devoted. I love when they say shit like that, like someone's devoted to their car that they are having sex with or a video game. He is, though. I know. That's the problem with. But is this healthy?

No, it's not, because it's just going to further his isolation. Does he come on it? I'm sure he loads. He makes her do stuff. You think so? All the time. Just jizzes on the screen. Yeah, that thing's covered.

You think so? Coated. You got to do it somewhere. Yeah, yeah, it's disgusting. That's the real question. Where are you getting that nut? I mean, I can get it on a building, but if you cover your keys, you could get a real problem.

It could seep into all those little creases, you know? Well, one would wonder about people's iPhones. Isn't that where everyone's watching their porn anyways? Oh, yeah. But do people jizz on their iPhone? I mean, some people, I'm sure. You jizz on your hand and then you touch your iPhone. Now there's jizz on your iPhone.

No, come on. Yeah. You don't jizz on your hand. You don't? No. But where does it go? On your stomach or on your shirts or something. My shirts.

Yeah, I'll lay out your clothes and jizz on that. When you're gone. Oh, I don't care. It's not mine. No. I don't care. No. It's glass all over it.

No. Glass. Yeah, it feels good. Man, this is sad. But man, yeah, it bums me out. But then I know how lonely some people are. And this is like their only outlet. I know.

You know? Then you're like, oh, fuck, just meet a person. Yeah. Can you swipe right on someone on Tinder or something? I don't fucking know. You should. I have come all over my face. All the other earlier games separated reality and virtuality.

But when you play Love Plus, real life and the game meld with one another. There hasn't been anything like that in the gaming world before. Yeah, I don't know, man. I mean, it seems like it really is for the loneliest of the lonely. It's like those sex robots.

Like they're constantly trying to make a woman that's a robot so you can fuck it and not have to talk. The problem is that it helps you continue to be lonely. That's the problem. You have to get out of your comfort zone to meet people. And that's tough. Hey, what's going on? She's rolling a cup.

Yeah, I mean, it's like you just get, you're super, you're super lonely. You're dating your fucking Nintendo. Yeah. And then you're planning a fucking trench coat hit on somebody. That's the problem. Is it at further isolates?

Look, human beings are meant to be social creatures. You can't stay in isolation. And we can't foster it. Yeah, don't marry yourself. Don't marry your fucking Nintendo. Don't marry buildings. Go, go find some other freak that's like you. And that's it and find happiness.

Sometimes real emotional relationships can develop, at least in particular, active uses like sister. Oh fuck, he's kissing it now. Trust is the most important thing in a relationship. I think braces are. If Manaka is a partner, I can trust. She'd never cheat on me. That's why I prefer her to a real girlfriend.

Yeah, well, I love how people get hurt one time by that one issue and now it's forever that thing. Like everyone's going to cheat on me. I can't I can't ever trust again. Like, dude, no, there's other girls who aren't worse. I can trust my computer. I trust it. I trust my building.

Trust my building. But even though people are walking in and out of her every day. No, there's other pigs on her. I feel like she would never break my heart. Oh, that was nasty. How's your butthole today? It's pretty good. Yeah, I had a really rough week.

And you back on back on normal. Dr. Brown. It was really bad. You said you were going to name your next album, No More Diarrhea. Yeah, No More Diarrhea. Like Mary J. Bly is just no more drama. But I had a really bad diarrhea.

I had an upper respiratory infection and I got an antibiotic. I had never had this happen where I had the worst side effects of this antibiotic, which were which was intense diarrhea. Yeah, pretty bad. It took me down for a couple of days. So it's terrible.

Yeah. All right, a couple of emails we should get into. Look, so let's see. Hi, Hitler's. Right after finishing up episode 396, I knew I had to email you with my observations that may give some more insight onto the big mystery. Who is the real water champ, even though it really

isn't a mystery? The Tom is the champ. It seemed that just on a mere listen from your conversation with Martin, the Tom's knowledge about the contents of what was in each type of water was vastly superior to mommy Tina's. At times, it's so as if Tom actually

knew what was in the water before Martin even said anything about the water, even where it was from. This may stem from Tom's superiority with accents. When mommy Tina Yorkie sipped her water, she was clearly dumbfounded on what she was even tasting. And she would have thoughts about what she tasted. It reminded me only of Helen Keller's excited cries of what time when she discovered how to speak.

I hope I was of some help to add on the mountain of evidence for pro Tom. It's the water champ. Thanks and see you in Brest Balls Beach, Michael. Well, Michael, I hope to see you in West Balls Beach so I can hit you in your dumb face, cause that's stupid. How to spot a psychopath. Thoughts are dumb.

Oh, I like this one. Hi, mommy. I'm living, I'm an American living in Singapore. I'm sure I spotted a complete psychopath on the public bus yesterday. It was high and tight, cisgendered businessman in a suit, but something was terribly wrong. I noticed he was wearing his watch

over the sleeve of his shirt. Oh boy. What an obviously psychotic fashion choice. The only reason I can think of to wear your watch over your sleeve is to detonate some type of remote bomb. I would rather wear orthopedic shoes as earmuffs. Way in on this. Thanks, Gene, Jake.

Jake, you're completely right. A hundred percent right. I've seen it a couple of times. It is a crazy look. It is really bizarre. I think I did it in third grade and then I realized how lame it looked. And you're like, I can't wear my swatch over my sleeve.

I also, by the way, I've seen it more. So I know some people, more people do it. I think it's bananas when people wear their watch on the inside of the wrist. That's terrible. You know, so they do turn the wrist on the inside. Why would you do that? There's goofier than shit to do that.

It doesn't look like a bracelet, bro. Like everyone knows it's a watch. Just wear it on the watch. But you're watching the outside like a watch. Yeah, weirdo. Yeah, you fucking asshole. Everyone hates you. That I know I resent people

that wear their watch on the right. Oh yeah. That's the wrong too. It's supposed to be left, dude. Always on the left. But why is it on the left? I don't know. I think the whole thing was that more people are,

I think they said that right-handed people put on their left and more people are right-handed. Yeah. Maybe that's it. But then why when you put it on your dominant hand so that you're always looking at that hand? Because then the dominant hand is free to do what you need to do with it.

The hindrance of the watch, got it. But that is a psychopathic look. That's crazy. I can kind of tell you what I feel is another psychopathic look. And I know I'm gonna get some pushback on it. Very, very racy. But the sandals, like the ones I showed you today

on the Vionic website, those ugly sandals that are like strappy, heavy dad sandals with socks. Of course. Why would you get a pushback? Because I know those people are gonna email me. Like, I wear it that way because I go hiking and my feet sweat. No, that's terrible.

It's inexcusable. There's no excuse to wear those period with or without socks. Oh my God. I agree. Those are horrendous. There's other options out there. You know what I'm talking about? Strap on Velcro sandals?

Show them. Because I feel like there's Birkenstocks. We're not talking about Birkenstocks. Birkenstocks are ugly too, by the way. These are the fully functional dad sandals or mom sandals. They can go either way. It's usually the mom sandal actually. It's the woman who's totally given up.

Oh my God. This is what I gave up on everything. This is the worst. They're terrible. Oh, beach basics. Oh, those are terrible. There's no excuse. There's really no excuse.

Wait, go back to the strappers. You can all do better. Everyone can do better. They're terrible. They're absolutely terrible. Oh my God. Those are like, look, I wear orthopedic shoes. And you see like, you can see like their fungus nail.

Nasty. Ash on the back here. Ashy, totally. Those are like Shack's feet going there. But look, let me show you. So I'm wearing orthopedics right now. Yeah. But they're like, look, these are orthopedic.

For people watching, I'm lifting into the camera. You can see they're like ballet flats. They're nice. You wouldn't even know. That's like I give up, but everything is shut down. My genitals are closed, yeah. Those are terrible, man. You shouldn't.

So your vagina is shut. Yeah. And I see a lot more dudes in that than I see women. Oh my God. I see women with dude haircuts wearing those. Yeah, of course. That's when you've given up. They chop off the hair, they stop coloring it,

and then they put those on and they're like, I gotta get what I gotta get. I'm out there taking care of life. Yeah, it's not. What happens? It's usually couples who wear those together and they're like 60s. They start to shut it down sexually.

You'll see some in Denver, by the way. Those are total Denver shoes. I know, I didn't want to say that, but yes, they are Denver shoes. Yeah, of course. Because they hike. Right outdoors. Yeah, Patagonia.

Yeah. Yeah, just like being outside. These are just comfortable. And you know, they get the job done. No, they don't. No, they're terrible. There's nothing in this world that can make me wear those, Gene.

No. I promise you, as your wife, I will never wear those. I will never wear those. What about these? Oh my God. Those are sandals with a heel. Those are terrible.

They're all terrible. All these are terrible. God damn it. I also actually, whenever I see Birkin socks though, I always go like, I just feel like they stink. Well, I feel like they do too, because they usually are black. Like if you look under the foot of the person,

they're always black. Because they're worn down. You sweat in them, and the leather gets... There's some type of, right? The texture of it. It's black, usually. It's gross. They look funky.

Yeah, they look like they smell bad. I guess they're comfortable, right? Because a lot of people love them. People love their Birks. And I guarantee we're gonna get a lot of pushback on the Birks. When I lived in San Francisco, a lot of people wore them.

They're terrible. Well, speaking of feats, this came in. My girlfriend and I were having this discussion today. She said, the only time I ever washed my feet is when you're in the shower with me and you make me. The rest of the time, they get washed from the soapy water done and bring down my body. I, on the other hand,

I'm a firm believer in washing up the feet. Can the mommies discuss this? James, well, James, I'm with your girlfriend. Great topic. I don't wash my feet. I don't either. I feel like you just pee, or you soap, and then it just...

Wait, wait, what? Pee sterile. Sterilizes your foot. Come on. You gotta be so fucking nasty. What? It's true. It's called reality. So, but I'll tell you what.

I had an ex-boyfriend who was very type A, very meticulous, folded his shirts with a folding board. Yes. We didn't last, obviously. I'm a big... Yeah, I know you didn't last. I'm a total animal. But he would insist on washing his feet in the shower.

Really? And I remember being blown away, and I had to pretend like I did that too regularly. Like, oh yeah. When you're with him? Yeah, like I totally showered. So, I totally wash my feet. I don't know why.

I mean, I get pedicures, and then they scrub them like they get in there. Yeah, no, I never do. Oh, well, four. I mean, unless there's something, like I step on tar or something, you know, but that's it. Yeah, I mean, I'm in the pool. I feel like that washes it.

My feet are clean. I don't have that problem. Your feet are clean. I've never smelled your feet. I've never like been, you know, ooked out. Some people do have just naturally funkier feet, so maybe they need to. Yeah, you know.

My feet are sweaty, but I feel like they get washed in the shower. Yeah. Will you bring up Shaq's foot? Oh, come on. Do you want to? Well, I keep thinking about it. There was a during playoff coverage.

Ooh, nasty foot. A few days ago, I think on TNT, they were doing whatever. They were doing a remote shot, or they were at the game, and Shaq took his shoe off and his sock off, and showed his size 22 foot. What kind of dog do you think is on that guy? I don't know.

It's always been a big point of discussion about whether it's, it measures up to his enormity, because people, I think the rumor is that it doesn't. In other words, not that it's like teeny tiny, it's just that it's not in proportion to his size. We got addicted detectives, this one. I know. Has anyone had sex with Shaquille O'Neal?

Can you let us know? Now, the big question is, which we've debated hotly on this show, is whether or not those things are correlated. Whether or not hand size is correlated to penile size, or an indicator of penile size, or foot size. Let's see here. See.

Oh, oh, Shaq. The big toe is just, it's like morphed. Ooh, poor guy. Ooh, nasty. The big toe is what troubles me. It's just, it's mashed to the right. I remember they, oh man. Is he not wearing shoes that fit when he plays?

No, no, it's like a lot of athletes, particularly in basketball, because you are stopping all the time, jumping, running. And they play these, you know, their seasons are 82 game seasons. And then you practice every day. A lot of them have really fucked up feet. It's hard to maintain.

They would design shoes to help that. I don't think it's that the shoe is a problem. It's just the level of activity. It's so much more than, you know, you're constantly pivoting, jumping, running, someone's stopping on your, yeah. And then you play a game the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day.

I remember Jordan's feet were super fucked up. I saw a photo once. He, he, uh- Can I bring it on? Yeah, okay. I mean, if you want to see it. Yeah, I kind of do. They're really fucked up.

Dude, it's so important to wear good shoes, especially the older I get. Now that I'm into orthopedics, I really, it's, I can't, I can't even wear flats, like regular ballet flats. They really hurt. Yeah. I can't do it, dude.

Since I had a kid, I just fucked up my whole alignment everything, backs all fucked up, hips are all messed up. I remember it was in a book. It was like, I had a book. I had a book of it, of none of his feet, but of him. And they, he was on the trainer's table. And I remember the comment from his wife was like, I can't believe you let them take a picture of that.

Cause she didn't, she was kind of like trying to protect them, you know? Yeah. But I don't see it. Oh well. But yeah, they're, they're, it's, it's really common for these athletes to have super fucked up. Is that it?

Is that Jordan? I don't know. Chicago Bulls. Yeah. Well, they're all taped up. You can see that. Yeah. You can tell there's something resting in there.

Oh, his nails are all jacked up. Yeah. They're all fucked up. Poor guy. They're all fucked up. It's just from, from being crazy athletes, you know? Sure is. I know what that's like.

You sure do. I had the best thing ever happened to me on the flight home from New York, from Judoar Titties. I was wearing the Jean sweatshirt. It's like my favorite thing now I wear it all the time. And the stewardess was, I'm sorry, flight attendant, I got so, I'm sorry, I was such a cisgendered comment. Yeah, that was terrible.

She comes up to me and she goes, oh, is it Jean or Jean? I'm from Montreal. And I was like, it's Jean. You should have said Jean. Jean. I couldn't lie to her. I should have said Jean. Why couldn't you lie to her?

I just didn't think of it on the spot. I'm so like, I'm so earnest in real life. I can't, I can't be, I can't lie to nice people. Jean or Jean? Jean or Jean. I really liked that. I wish I hadn't recorded. They're calling this guy the anti dad boner.

Okay. So, you know, the dad boners obviously really lose their mind and they celebrate things. Yeah. They just are, you know, you can't, you can't bring a dad boner down, right? They just, they get excited about anything really. Oh, this is muted.

Sorry. Oh my God, it sounds like an alcove. No, they get excited. Wow. So that's a dad boner, if you're new. That is a dad boner. This guy is upset about things. It's different.

Grumpy dad. I've been searching for the potholes of my life. He's on this. Ah, look at this. You gotta ride in the middle of the fucking road. It's an IED fucking zone. It's fucking terrible. Oh my, look.

Oh my God. Fuck. Look how bad that road is. That is terrible. Look at this shit. Oh my God. What the fuck do I do here? What do I do here?

Do I stop? Do I get over in your car? Do I kick my car up and move it? What the fuck do I do? Oh my God. Look ahead. Look ahead. Look ahead.

It's like miles away. What the fuck is this? I feel like. Put the fucking hazards on. This is fucking. This is fucking. Get the shit. This is the kind of dad I grew up with.

Yeah. Well, stepdad was more like this. He was, right? Fired up. Look at that shit. Look at these fucking holes. Look at that shit. Look at that shit.

Look at that shit. Look at that fucking size of them. Fuck. Kicking dirt like a dog. It's crazy. Oh, that's terrible. That'll fuck your tires up so bad. Oh my God.

This is ridiculous. He's right. It is. It's not cool. I can keep going. That's why you pay taxes, man. That road is just completely battered, man. No, it's no good.

Potholes in my fucking lover. He's just getting lead on himself. Yeah, it's crazy. I wonder where he is. I don't know. I'm curious. Where's fucking road in America? Piece of shit, motherfucker.

Yeah. Where's fucking road in America? He's just yelling at the road, though. Yeah. No one even comes on his fucking road. They know better. I've driven on road. It is unnerving to drive on this kind of shit.

They're fucking war zone. What the fuck it is? That's how I blew out our tire, Gene. Really? On our car. That's how it happened. I was on a pothole on Sunset up towards a 405. Yeah.

And I took one too fast. And the guy says, look, I can tell it was a pothole. It did this to your car. He told me. He showed me how. So I'm going to go slow. Very cautious. It is like an IED.

It's fucking terrible. Fucking terrible. Fucking shit. That's how you're going to be. I mean, it's fucking terrible. I'm getting a little speed here. I'm going to be fucking like this. What the fuck?

What the fuck? What the fuck? Look. Look at that. Unbelievable. That is unbelievable. Look at this shit. Look at this shit.

Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, it's pretty bad. What are my tax-paying fucking dollars doing? Good point. What the fuck are they doing? Yeah. I mentioned walking by and seeing that guy making that. No.

All right, so we got to get to this. Yeah. If you're a new listener to the show, one of our all-time great regulars on this show has been my father and sometimes my mother. And yesterday, I had them in here for a little sit-down where I got to just talk to them in general and also catch up on some show topics

and even play some games with them. I can't. I mean, when we were prepping the games, I was so excited. I wanted to sit in here to listen. But then I thought, it'd probably better if I wait until we play it back. But we also spent the last week with them. We haven't even gone over that.

I know. And we got to hear so many wonderful stories from them about your mom. Vincent, Donna. Well, that can't pronounce words. He always says words. My favorite moment by far was when we were looking for a movie to watch

and your dad's reading off the actors. And what does he say, Tom? He's like, Chris Pratt and Emma Stone and Vincent Donna Freon. I almost shit. So he goes, Vincent, Donna Freon. And then you repeat it right away. And I don't know what I enjoy more.

He doesn't even catch it. He's like, what? Is when he talks and he says something wacky or when you repeat it perfectly because you do a really good impression of him. It's like hearing him in stereo. He also, he mispronounces words that I don't. Like for years, right?

He would say, a PDF file. Yeah, why PDF file? And I would go, every time he said it, I would know what he was trying to say. But I would go, what's that? And he would turn to me like, a guy that fucks kids. Right. And I'd say, so you mean pedophile?

Yeah, yeah. And then he would just move on. I go, why do you keep saying it wrong? I don't know. Like, what? Or like, we're both news junkies, right? We both read news, watch news. He'll be like, did you hear this Steve Bannon is doing?

I go, it's Bannon. I go, you hear it a hundred times a day. Yeah, it's odd. It's the same guy. But I thought we came to the. But it's not a new guy that they mentioned once. No. He sees the word, he hears it pronounced,

and then he mispronounces it over and over. But I think it's because he doesn't have an ear for like music or language. You have to have an ear. Right, right. That's a good point. You have to be tuned into it. And he's just not tuned in.

See, they were saying this Gerard Kushner has gotten like Gerard. Jared Kushner. Yeah. Like, why are you, why are you saying Gerard? Right. He's getting, he's confused with Carmichael. Yeah, he's a big Carmichael fan. Yeah.

Yeah, it's so bizarre to me. So I think you'll really enjoy. I'm going to mute our mics just to hear how this starts. It's audio only. People will always inevitably go, why isn't there video of them? They're old. They don't want to be video. You know, it's just like when if you bust out a camera,

my mom will be like, go away. Take a picture of it. I just want to be on camera. So it's, believe me, the audio is more than sufficient. Vincent Donafriel. Just for a moment, I'm going to mute us just so you can hear this only. Because I want you to, my dad is a legendary heavy breather,

too. So here you go. Definitely hear you breathing, that's for sure. Can you, Jesus. Can you hear me too? He's talking to the microphone, mom. You don't go, can you hear me too? Can you hear me breathing?

No, OK, there you are. Let's see. Holy shit. What is up with that? Just the way I breathe. Holy shit, oh, my god. I cannot do this if you're going to go, that's how he breathes. That's how he breathes?

Yes. OK. Oh, my god. Thank you, mom. Thank you. I don't feel bad for him. Jesus. OK.

I could have a fart while we do this show. No, please don't. I can't hop at that. You've got to leave if you have to do that. Just leave. You're in a tight space. Don't do that. Just get up and leave.

Do it outside. Seriously, seriously, it'll really ruin this. It'll really ruin this. You won't be able to do it. Does it smell that bad? How can you act like you don't know if it smells that bad? So we had moments earlier. You don't know what happened.

I think you forgot what you did. I was putting the kid down. Yeah. I had walked into the, and just entered the living room. I'm not kidding you. It smelled like a sewage canal. And I go, what the fuck is that? And he goes, I just had a little one.

And my mom, I go, because she'll think that I go, just walk towards the living room. She turned around, she was like, oh my god. Oh yeah. And I go, it smells like a sick person. It doesn't smell normal. It smells like diarrhea. Well, he farted in the car when we were

on the way to the country club. And I smelled it. I didn't want to talk about it, but it was really rancid. Oh, this was worse. It's like napalm fart. This was worse. So I was just telling him right then, I go, if you fart here,

this is over. Well, this is a small studio. And no, you can't fart. Yeah, it's not like other people's farts. People don't understand. It's really not. Oh my god, remember when they farted in front of our nanny? They farted loudly because we were watching a movie.

And there would be a scene where the scene fades out. And my mom went, and I turn, and I was walking past the living room, and I was like, she's mouth dropped. And I saw her head turn like, hey. She's like a nice Guatemalan lady. She doesn't do that at home. There's no way. No, no, no, not like that.

There's no way. My mom was mortified when I told her, I go, she heard you fart. She was like, what? Yeah. To me, it smells normal. No, it doesn't. And actually, it actually was like, it was actually scary

how bad that smelled. If that had been anybody else, I would tell somebody you'd immediately go to a doctor. I'm not even joking. No, I don't think it's funny, but I told you last night that I didn't. I always smell like that. No, no, no.

We all have our own fingerprint in the intestines, OK? Nothing about that smells even remotely normal. It smells like, it smells really, really different. It doesn't smell normal. I think it was an infection. I don't have an infection. How do you know you don't have one? Because I've had that normal smell for years.

Well, I live next to you. You sleep in the same bed. I saw a curtain. And I asked you last night to please open the sheets. I couldn't breathe. Yeah, babe. Hey, am I in speakerphone? Yeah, you are.

Take me out for a second, because I want it. Oh, yeah, because you had questions for me to ask them. I wanted to add more ideas, yeah. Yeah. That's a good show. OK. Yeah. Wonder if, no, you can't hear it.

So sometimes you can hear what's going on. OK. But I think, I think we, we let, we led right into that. Right. Yeah. All right. Christina asked me to ask you, how you like your new bra? I love it.

What was the experience like? Oh my God. I feel like a normal human being. Can you hear my dad breathing? Yes, it's alarming. Now, just so the listeners know, your mother, I don't know how to put this delicately, delicately, she's big sloppers like me.

Yeah. But she's been wearing the wrong size bra for her whole life, for some of you. You knew this already? I eyeball it, because from one big tit monster to another, I look and I go, you need to go to Nordstrom, you need to have a girl measure you, because they're trained. And I, we got her the right fit and it changed everything.

She looked amazing. I think with the tits up, I feel like I have actually a... How about just sit back for a second? Sit back, yeah. I have a boob lift without paying for the boob lift. Really? I can jump up and down, they don't move. I am sexy.

Yeah. I can't even think I'm sexy. Because what happened was Christina took you and you were wearing a bra that they all, they measured you. I was wearing all my life at 34C. Yeah. And I tend to be at 34G. First, I totally didn't make any sense.

But the truth is, it fits me like a glove to me. Look at this. Yeah. Look at this. Yeah. Your father got upset because the boobs are in place and they are not puffing and floating. It looks like a perfect fit to me.

It is a perfect fit. But what bothers him is that because they fit me, they are not flying all over it and jumping up and down the way he would like. Is that true? It is. Well, I think if you have G boobs, G boobs are really gigantic. I mean, if you go to, if you Google G boobs, you'll find some big boobs.

OK? So I think what they... But I thought we got the explanation that that was just... It's European size, aren't you? I didn't see that. It is. What do you mean you didn't see that? It's at 33G.

Well, I didn't persist. I have to Google European bra sizes versus American. OK. OK. So what do you got up there? Well, these are numbers. So 28... Well, let's go to cup size.

Screw the numbers. OK. OK. We're talking. Cups, really. Numbers are girth. You want to get into the real tits. You got to go to the cup size.

OK. Let's see what this says here. I'm going to get excited. Those are just pictures. Those are Ted pictures. Trying to look for the conversion. OK. Cup size, bra size converter.

Maybe this will be it. Trying to make sense to him, you know. Can you pause for a second? Yeah. Yeah, but I... I think he was upset because he felt gypped. Right. Because we came home and I texted your mother,

hey, what a top dog, think about your new boobs. Yeah. And she texted me back. He's upset. He's disappointed. Yeah. And then you said... I said it's because he wants them spelling out.

Right. So the bra that's ill-fitting is exciting to him because tits are falling out of it. So he feels gypped. Like he feels like we snuck in. Yeah. And ruin his tit pleasure. Yeah.

Yeah. True. Interesting. OK. If I am at triple D. So G here. Yeah. Is triple D USA.

See? Mom, can you show me how those big tits fart? How the big tits fart? Yeah. Big tits don't fart, Tommy. Can you make them? Fart? Yeah.

These are tits. What are you talking about? People want to know if you can show them how those big tits fart. I would take in this series. Yeah. OK, let's get to you. You want to fart?

Yeah. Oh, can you sing the song? Do you remember how it was? Yeah. This was a song that we sing all the time. Yeah. We sang it in the car, and then she came up with her version. Can you?

Do you want to fart? Yeah. We're talking real fart, but it's far, far, far. Yeah. Is it serious? Is it far? Boom, boom. Really good.

All right. But it's really, really far. Because the original song is, do you want to fart? Can you really fart? Can you really fart? Fart, fart, fart, fart. Do you want to fart? Do you really want to fart?

Can you fart, fart, fart? Fart. Boom, boom, boom. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Wow. Wow. That was my mom. That was really good.

I really hope that at least maybe one of our genius musical listeners can do something with that, create a real tune out of that. I think it's already working. It's already happening. You didn't even have to ask. No, that was the one you had this morning in the bathroom. You also, both of you farted in front of our nanny.

But you did, but hers was many decibels. Many decibels higher than mine. I got to study this cup size chart. Where did you see the G there? It says right there. I thought Europe G. Europe G, triple D. Triple D.

Yeah. Triple D or E. Or actually, if there were UK, yeah, if it was UKG, it would be an F. But that makes sense. So you're. I am a triple D. Yeah. So that makes sense.

That makes total sense. But we were doing everything wrong because I was using 34. And it's 30. Yeah. You told me the 30 was a little tight. But now it's good. It stretches a little bit. What is your disappointment in these bars?

Because it just kind of flattened everything out. There was no cleavage. No cleavage whatsoever. I like cleavage. I like cleavage. And Bush. It was the first time he's been there. But cleavage, cleavage, I was raised on cleavage.

When I was a good little Catholic boy going to the movies, you didn't have all you had with cleavage in those days. So it's not cleavage. So it's cleavage, Luke. That's not pushed together at cleavage. See? So that's what it was. So the comfort provided by the good-fitting bra

eliminates what he liked at spillover. Well, here's a deal. You can also buy a bra that fits and that creates cleavage. But your mother was insistent upon not buying a bra that was too sexy. So we got our bras that were in her comfort zone. But she didn't want the sassy ones, is what I'm trying to say.

I tried. Believe me, I wanted to. I wanted to do this for your dad more than anybody. I wanted your mom to come back with a little sassitude. She was the first person to ever say tits don't fart. She answered that. Right. She was like, tits don't fart.

Most people don't push back on that. So you want me to get them smaller so the thing pops out? Well, a little bit smaller and kind of little cleavage. I like cleavage. Well, why don't you pay for a boob lift so that? You don't need a boob lift. You got great boobs. No.

You just have the wrong bra. You just don't want to spend anymore. They make push-up bras. They make bras that put them together. This one just flattened everything out. Seems like he's making his case. You got to respect the case. Well, that's the most stupid case I ever heard.

Well? Look at this. I can jump up and down and nothing move. Well, I guess you've got to look at it from your point of view. If you're really good, look at it perfectly. I know, I know. But if you're comfortable, but it's still like cleavage. You need to find a different woman there.

How has the trip been for you so far? The best trip ever. It's been fantastic. No, Tommy. Honestly, the best trip ever in every sense. From the minute that we got into playing and that spoiling little bit. Yeah, for the best part of the trip.

I am talking. No, it's my turn. There's this might come right here where I mute his mic. Really? 01:00:02,620 --> 01:00:04,580 Because the breathing is overwhelming to me. I feel like he has to go to the doctor or something. This is what every phone call is like that I talk to.

Right. Yeah. No, because he doesn't let me. It shot me down there, didn't it? Yeah, yes, I did. Well, then we came here. I got elices absolutely to die for. Precious, perfect.

He's a beautiful boy. However, if I am you, I will take a DNA test. I know. I'm feeling like that too. It's starting to look so much like he's mine. I don't see. He really is a perfect kid. Yeah, beautiful.

And so intelligent. He observed the sense. We have to bring up one. Oh, and I muted your mic. See, I did. We have to bring up one point. Yeah. That Alice gave me a lot of kisses.

And I think you got your. They had like grandparent battles, right? Who could Alice would give the most kisses to you? Yeah. Yeah. First kiss was it yesterday or today? I can't remember. Yeah.

I'm about 25 kisses to your two or three right now. That's not that. That's fact. That hurts. I have to admit it. You know, and I think that I don't know why Tommy. I'm convinced because I think it's confidence. I told you, I got my theory on it.

I think he confuses your father with you and he looks the faces alike and he says, no, no, no. Tommy has a beard. Doesn't get me. I'm clean shaven every day of my life. That's true. It's true. So it's, it's really, I think it's the, the vibes that I,

the vibes. Maybe I, that I so caught for saying. Yeah. You know what? You just occurred to me is that your dad was wearing the same outfit the whole week. Yeah. Like he didn't change.

He came over. He was wearing khakis that were too big for him. Different shirt once. Right. But I'm saying he wore oversized khakis with a belt and then the khakis would come up over the belt because it was too, too big. Yeah. But he didn't want, he didn't want to buy pants that fit.

He wanted to wear the big pants. Yeah. And then he laid on the couch. Remember he was laying. We were watching that movie and two buttons came on done and then his, who she was hanging out, his stomach was hanging out. Yeah. So funny.

He hates being comfortable. He is comfortable. You got that wrong. He says he's comfortable. I am comfortable. He came over. It was like a chill day and just laid in khakis and a button down and that was his comfort.

Yeah. Oh my God. And a belt and loafers. That's his comfort. It makes me so uncomfortable watching him. That is his t-shirt and sweatpants. Yeah. Yeah.

I can't do it. I get home. I know. I have to take everything off right away. I know. Me too. In the same way. I walk around in my boxers.

My house. Get the fuck out of here. I'm going there. You go with Tommy's right. You go in with, you hesitate when you go in. You're almost looking for rejection. I am trying. I am trying.

No. I go in with full confidence. I'm going to get a kiss. Yeah. That's true. You're right. Let me ask you this. Recently you called me from the Orlando airport.

Do you remember this? Oh yeah. That was really, I know people would want to hear about this. You called me from the Orlando airport from the same restroom stall. Yeah. What? Yeah. It was probably almost 20 years ago when I did the little accident in my pants in the

Orlando airport and I had to leave my underwear in the stall. Well, what I did was the other day of the whole time I went back and revisited the location. I took a picture of the stall. Did you really? I did. And you know, they've made some modifications. They all make all the places have bigger handicapped stalls. That's the law.

Yeah. But that spot is still there. And I went in and, you know, just kind of relived a moment. You know, some people messaged me that they're at the Orlando airport and they want to know what stall is happening so they can go visit it. That is so disgusting. It's on the B terminal site. It's on B.

If you come up out of B baggage claim... Maybe they want to know what it is so they don't... If you come up out of baggage claim B and go to the right before you... There it is. He shit through his underwear there, had to leave the underwear, and even had shit on his pants. But guess what? What?

It just happened to him again in his office. What? Why don't you tell them? Oh, I told you about that when I... That's happened. I had a little fumble in the office recently. Yeah. What happened?

I couldn't get... I was heading in there. I thought I had perfect timing. I don't know how to... But I had, you know, on some suits they had that other hook. Yeah. And I had trouble getting that undone. And before I could make the turn and drop the drawers, I had a little fumble.

How much? Not a lot, but enough to go in the wrong places where I had to actually... Did you go home? No. I just threw the underwear where I cleaned up in there, and I just wore my suit pants. No underwear? No underwear. I mean, was it on your legs and stuff too?

No, it was... Well, a little bit on the leg, but I got that off. Oh, my God, it is. Also on cheeks. Oh, no. No, this is extreme, huh? Yeah. And we talked different talking.

And it was a stinker too. I mean... That's in the indication of what comes out. I'm sure it was a stinker. It's disgusting for me. You know, I thought about going home and changing, but I figured I pretty much got everything done with that one thing. I think he's proud of it.

Talking to the mic. No, no. I am embarrassed. Why are you embarrassed? Because this is disgusting. What do you mean? It's just part of life. It's part of life.

It's reality. It's getting in your pants and you're floating in your face. And I said, what did you do with your underwear? He said, I left it in my office. No, not in the men's room. In the men's room, where you throw your... He said, so what? The cleaning people are coming at you.

So you want... Well, you have your hand towels. I just threw it in there. People put hand towels in the top. Nobody's going to see it. I mean, paper towels. Paper towels. Oh.

I felt good, though, after I did that, though. Yeah. Yeah. But doesn't... Damn. Yeah. So when he lived near his office... That's a good sound.

Yeah. Not far. Do you know that there's this couple, a mother and son, that got married? What? Yeah. Can you imagine marrying one of your children? No. That's a joke, no?

No. You cannot marry your son. I know. They just got arrested. Waiting what part? I forget. I'm your mom and you're my son, and I am falling in love with him. He said, are you really?

I said, yes, I am. He said, you know what? I was scared to let you know, too. I am, too. They're both consenting adults. If it comes down to it, you know, it's just like the gays. They're, you know, as long as they're over 18, everything's fine. What?

Yeah. All they want to do is jail them for 18 months? Oh, I guess, you know. I don't know. I have never heard a story like this in my life. I know. Ask them, will you ever date your mom? And he said, will you date your son?

I said, on the truth, yes, I would. Because 19 years, you're the best thing that ever happened to me, and I really want to be with you the rest of my life, John. Gross, huh? This is not gross. This is inconceivable. Yeah. That's pretty bad.

Yeah. What a sick mind. Yeah. We used to be scared of the teacher with the student. I know. Now it's the mother with the son. The mother and the son. The first approach was actually me.

Oh, my God. What happened was we were hanging out and, you know, just talking, you know, just laughing. And I looked at her and she looked at me and I just, I kissed her. It was a real kiss. Did you know it was his mother? Of course. Of course you know it's his mother. Yeah.

It was a real kiss. Oh, oh. I know. I know. This has to be a joke. No, it's for real. They got arrested. We followed up on the story.

They got arrested. I cannot believe this story. Would you marry your grandson? Oh, for the love of God. The war is going more than crazy now. Yeah. No, I'm not kidding you. This is getting just, we're getting to extreme craziness.

Yeah. You know, tomorrow you're going to find out your father really is in ISIS. Oh, really dad? Yeah. You're in ISIS? Tell him. That's one organization. I would never even joke being a part of.

A lot of the listeners want to hear would you rather with you guys? Okay. They want to hear what? Would you rather? Okay. Okay. Let's see. Oh, wrong button.

Not related to fart on a fart, no? No. Hear the breathing? Yeah. It's a lot. Did you hear that? Yeah. Yeah.

Drink the top layer. It's time to play with a real sexual predator. It's time to play with chunky. It's time to play with non-filled toilet paper. The urine from two dirty homeless men. It's time to bite my butt with your mucus. Homeless jar of biz. I've been of sex with your sister.

Take it in the face. Then understrikes. The grandmother walks in on masturbating. Never have another orgasm. It's time to play with news. It's time to play with news. It's time to play with news. It's time to play with you rather, rather, rather, rather.

Okay. I'm assuming you've never played this before. So what happens is I present two scenarios. If you're bummed. No, you're right now. The Mr. Tom. Jesus Christ. Oh.

Yeah. Some files are coming from. You're recording. It's coming from. Anyways, what happens is I present to you two scenarios. Okay. And you have to pick one. In other words, it's two things that are undesirable.

So they have to pick one. Yeah. That's the game. It's just a, it's just a logic game. And then you explain why. So in other words, if I said, would you rather, you know, eat nothing but marshmallows or only get to sleep 30 minutes at a time? Those are both things you don't want to do.

But you go, I would take the marshmallows because I, I could deal with eating that. I have to get like, you have to explain why you chose one or the other. Okay. So the first one that came in for you was Charo. Would you rather eat nothing but vegetables and you can visit casinos as much as you want or no casinos, but you can eat whatever you want. You don't even need to finish. You don't even need to finish that question.

Really? I would write it only vegetables, but visit casinos as much as I would. Really? A hundred percent. That's how much that means to you. Totally. I have no doubts. Yeah.

No doubts. Totally. That's what she was. Yeah. Absolutely. That would mean breakfast, lunch and dinner. Nothing but vegetables. You would do it.

A hundred percent. I cannot believe this. A hundred percent. See, I think that you're saying that, but the reality would be too hard. Absolutely not. No. Really? That's me.

That's how much you love casinos. Oh my gosh. I'm so addicted to stupid machines. And you're so good at it. Yeah. People don't know. No. Nobody knows.

They don't know. About how good she is at taking these casinos to the cleaners. Oh my gosh. She does. She cleans them all right. Yeah. I clean my wallet. What she does is she empties them out.

Actually, she fills them up with so much money they have to be taken out and cleaned. What was that? I don't know. But the fact is your mother won't eat anything that is grown from the ground. And that includes, I made strawberry shortcake for dinner last night for dessert. She wouldn't even eat a strawberry. No. Like your mother won't even touch a Brussels sprout, even if it's covered in a delicious

sauce. And she's super petite. Like she's tiny. She's like 105 pounds. Oh my gosh. But all she eats is cookies, sweets, bread with butter. It's unbelievable. She's so light.

She had a physical and like flying colors. Yeah. That's bananas. Yeah. I thought that was really crazy to ask her because she loves. I know. I thought too. Because that's what I'm saying though.

The reality. I don't think she's facing the reality on that one. It's just that she really does love casinos. Right. My mom, by the way, if you're thinking poker player, mm-mm. Just slots, man. Just. Penny slots.

Ding, ding. Yeah. Pennies. Okay. What is the thrill though? Just hearing ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. When you see it win a little bit. No, because I never win a little bit.

So where's the payoff? Well, number one, I see machines that have been pesos. Yeah. This is going to be. Do you ever get a payout? Yes. Oh, yeah. She gave me $1,000.

She came back to the room. It was $1,000. Really? Yeah. When was that? Three years ago. When was... She goes a lot.

When was Clinton president? Let me think. Jesus. It was the most exciting scene in the world. Oh, it was exciting. And it was at 1,000 in one payout? Yes. That's exciting.

And that's exciting. And how much were you betting on that? My problem with you, as somebody that doesn't do it a lot, is I always think you bet too little. No, no. I have raised my bets. He's the one who's trying to make me. He says, you used to last $100 all night.

I was working some casinos. I think I told you. And as I'm walking to the showroom, I walked by the high dollar slots. So I just put in a $20 thing and hit spin, spin, spin. And two out of the three times I did that, I won. First time $300. Next time $700. Get out of here.

And it just ended with a nice time I lost. So you went with $1,000 for food and 60 bucks? Yeah. I spent 60 bucks. But again, after I did that, I just, in other words, I played for 30 seconds. Because you don't like the casino. You just want to go put some money to see if you win. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And for me, it's my entertainment. It's a rush. I have to have my orange juice, my cigarette, my slot machine that is going to pay me. I don't like people around, by the way. So maybe you had smoked a cigarette on this trip. I don't understand that. She has not smoked one. There's no casinos in here.

I thought you liked your evening cigarette. No, not when she's out of town. But at home, don't you have an evening cigarette? Yes. At home, yes. But I'm here. I haven't even, I haven't even think about it. That's interesting to me.

It's weird, no? Dad, would you rather go on all the cruises you want, but it's only to Vietnam? Or you have to wear tight jeans and loose t-shirts every day, but you cruise wherever you want? To people that don't know, you have to understand a couple of things. Yeah. He's a Vietnam vet. He hates everything like Asian cuisine. Hates everything.

All that. The whole world, I think, as a byproduct of being wore there. Rightly so. And also hates informal wear. Hates jeans. Yeah, hates them. Hates them. Hates wearing a shirt that's not collared.

Yeah. Yeah. Tight jeans and loose t-shirts and cruises wherever I want. Really? Yeah. You wear jeans every day. Tight, tight jeans. In fact, you cruise wherever I want.

Yeah. Versus going to Vietnam. That get old pretty fast, buddy. Let me tell you. I bet. Yeah. No, I'll take the tight jeans. Really?

Yeah. You never wear jeans. We should try them, though. I know. I don't wear jeans. Yeah. But my assistants, they gave me jeans for Christmas. That's a joke?

No. They thought, they actually ordered them for me. Really? Nice ones? Never took the tax off. Really? Yeah, of course they're nice. Yeah, they're very nice.

No, I'm saying like there's, I think there's nice designer jeans that actually fit. No, no. These are like, like. No. I mean, if I, if I go shooting, next time I go clay pitch and shooting, I might wear them. Like really? Yeah.

I mean, I don't even take the tax off. I saw you in a pair of jeans and black sneakers and I thought it looked really good, actually. He looks great in that. That's what I'm saying. They look good on you. Yeah, but that's an easy one for me. Really? Yeah.

I think you would get so annoyed wearing jeans every day. You said tight jeans. I don't. I go to cruise anywhere I want to. You wear your jeans only. No, no, no. You have to wear, you don't wear whatever you want to in the cruise. You have to wear tight jeans.

I know. I said, I can cruise wherever I want. Ah, yes. Yeah. I go back to the room. Do you know what that means? You have to lay in bed and you have to ask me to help you pull up the zipper. That's true.

Yeah. Charo, would you rather be retarded or you have to drive on the freeway? Be retarded. It's serious thinking. Really? I'd rather be retarded. I can't. I can't.

If I'm retarded, I can't. I can't. If I'm retarded, people will feel sorry for me. She's convinced that every car on the freeway, first of all, this happened one time. We're coming back from, we went up to Jacksonville with the Mayo Clinic thing. Oh, he was so mean. I hope he tell you the truth. I am, I was, I did, I got frustrated.

So, she's going to follow. I'm following you. Following me. Okay. She gets behind, she gets behind a truck. This is on 95? Yeah. Going south on a truck, getting behind a truck, it's going 45 and a 70.

I feel safe. She felt safe. You know what he did? I'm going to tell you what he did. He pulled out his car. So, I said, oh my God, something happened to your father. So, I immediately went there, got out and I said, what happened, daddy? How can you drive like that?

Tommy, he made me shake. I am here in the expressway for the first time. Scared to death. Jesus. I wanted a divorce right at that moment. I couldn't because I was in the expressway. We were 45 and a 70, okay. I said, well, then Tom, get in front of me and drive 45 and I follow you.

Retarded? Retarded. So, how did you make this drive? He had to drive slower and I have to speed a little bit. How slow did you drive from Jacksonville? We got, I don't know how many thousand cars were on the expressway that day. We got passed by every one of them. So, you stayed in the right lane.

Stayed in the right lane. He went up to 50. Excuse me. You drove 50? Yes. Are you being serious? Yeah. It took you seven hours then to get back?

It took us a long time. You realize how slow that is? Yes. Your mother has a crippling fear of the freeway. Yeah. And, you know, she was like, we were driving around our neighborhoods and she's like, oh, I'd love to live in California except that I can't take the freeway. For those outside of California, substitute highway for freeway.

Yeah. People think that's a... I know. They're like, what is that? Same thing. They call it a freeway out here. Yeah. But your mother was like, this is an ideal place.

Everything's great. Everything's perfect, but I don't have to take a freeway. I'm like, well, you can get over that. You can be retarded. Right. And I saw every make and model of car, every truck. And I asked him to ask me to forgive him when we got home. Now, don't you feel that's a little ridiculous?

No. That you should... I have... It's such a... A fear of this? I cannot describe to you... Really? Yeah.

Tommy's horrendous. You're just scared. Petrified. Really? Petrified. Wow. So, definitely retarded. Okay.

You're going to be retarded then. That's fine. Dad, would you rather be retarded or you can only eat Asian food if you're not retarded? He would eat Asian food. That's a good one. How do you define Asian food? Food from China, Cambodia, Vietnam, Singapore, Korea, the Asian world. That's a tough one because there are some things in Asia that I could eat like duck,

noodles, shrimp. There you go. Sure. So, if I could have a selection of the menu, I would do the Asian food. And if you have to dictate what Asian food it is? If somebody says you have to eat whatever we're going to give you, I'd go the retarded. Really? Really.

You'd be mentally retarded. Because I would want to... I'm not going to eat dog. Okay. For example. I'm not eating dog. Nook Ma, that's another Vietnamese thing. I'm not going to eat that.

Okay. Okay. There are some things that I just would never eat. So, you choose. So, if I have a choice of Asian food, I'm like, how about you? Yeah, but nobody's going to give you a choice if that wouldn't make any sense. Well, that's the question I asked. Okay.

So, let's say there's no choice. It's just whatever Asian food is given to you. No, I'd go retarded. Okay. I could eat that shit. No, I'm not eating dogs. I love dogs too much. Okay.

Okay. I think we got the dog. I know. They don't really... I mean, in Korea, yes, one time I was there, they said the street meat was dog and they don't eat it. But it's not like... He thinks it's on every restaurant.

Yeah. No. Okay. That's clear. I mean, it's not like all Asian cultures eat dogs. Yeah. A lot of them do. Okay.

I mean, it's really prevalent in China only. No, but he wants to choose. He wants just to make a selection on his food. Can you imagine? Yeah. What kind of punishment is that? I got another good one for you, mom. Be retarded.

Would you rather sleep in a cold, cold room? AC is on, like, 65. Oh, my gosh. But you can have all the sweets you want. Or you never have any sweets again, but you can sleep in any temperature you like. I know. That's a good one. That's from Christina.

Who thought of that? Christina. She's good at these. Oh, shit. Can you mix it a little bit? Not that extreme? No. The extremes are the fun ones.

That's when it's good. So I never can eat sweets. What's on me? So no sweets, you take temperature over. I will die in the temperature. No, you just have to bundle up a lot. Not invented sweaters and blankets and socks. The temperature is 65.

And I can put all the blankets I want? I mean, yeah. You can put blankets on, of course. Okay. If I can wrap up myself in 50 blankets, then I keep that and give my sweets. Okay. But every time you walk in the room, it's freezing. That's fine.

But I am going to be prepared to just be in boots and five pairs of socks and a blanket and a jacket and a hoodie. That's a good one for you. Okay. So you rather dad, you work in a gay bar as a server topless. So you wear pants, but no shirt. And the guys come up to you and they're allowed to sexually harass you like they pinch your nipples every time they walk by and they scratch your chest.

Or you're married to Nancy Pelosi for a year. I'll take the gay bar thing. No problem. Really? Absolutely. That's how much you can't stand her. I just, you know, don't get me going on that path. Okay.

The gay. The gay sir. I mean, they're nice. Okay. The gays? Yeah. Yeah. They're out.

Come on. Yeah. Yeah. So every time they walk by. I could handle that. I could handle that. Actually, I think he's excited with it. I think so too.

I don't know if I could handle it. It's a lot of attention. I don't think I could handle the Nancy Pelosi politics for a year. For a year? No. What if the ratio is one month of Nancy Pelosi or a year in the gay bar? I could do one month of Nancy Pelosi. Oh, you could do that?

As your wife. You have to wake up next to her. You have to have breakfast with her. You have to have dinner with her. You don't have to have lunch with her. You have to have sex with her. Look at mom. Your wife.

I can't imagine myself having sex. She does have, here you are. Yes. She does have, she's got a nice set of lungs. Okay. Yeah. I noticed that. Yeah.

And she's had multiple face lifts. Yeah, she's had some work done. She's had some work done. I could probably, again, I could try to win her over to my arguments, which would be fruitless. Of course. Since I never went into the arguments with your mother. Yeah.

Which I don't. You take a month with her. I can probably handle a month with Nancy Pelosi. That's going to cost him his marriage right now. Yeah. Do you know Nancy Pelosi is? Yes. That's not the point.

What? He will take care. His answer should be, I wouldn't take any woman other than your mother, no matter what. The answer is the answer. It's within the game. It's part of the game. Yeah. Well, in the game.

Yeah. Why don't you go with the gays? They were so nice and he loved to be pinching the tits and the whole thing. Okay. One more for you. Okay. Would you rather have four penises on your forehead? Ah, I can't be honest.

Or 10 nipples for fingers. Oh man. I cannot pick either one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have to. For penises in my forehead. So little penises are hanging from your forehead. Yeah, that's not a possibility.

Four of them. No. All it is, is a little like a little piece. I am a woman. I know, but they're just hanging from your forehead. Ah, probably also. Or each one of your fingers is a nipple. Every finger.

I mean, your five would be really excited. To have 10 nipple fingertips? Think about how hard it would be to do everyday things because you don't have fingers. You have nipples. Oh, instead of fingers. Yeah, you have just nipples on your hands. Kind of cute. It's kind of cute.

I keep the nipples. Really? Yeah. Why? I would do dicks. Dickheads, right? On my forehead, yeah. I wear a hat like you got on right now and cover them.

Well, I don't know if you're allowed to cover them. You didn't stipulate that. I know, but it comes up. Oh, okay. Yeah, it's a good point. I think I would just keep four little dicks on my forehead. Yeah, I would do dicks. It would be funny because I have to use my hands.

That's my point. Yeah. Hands are really important. You need hands, right? Yeah. Plus, I just like make a living being like the dick head girl on Instagram. Yeah. And I get like a million followers and maybe when you get really angry, they stand up

or something. That would be cool. All your little city of having a face with four penis hanging on my forehead. It's not that bad. It's a good conversation starter. Are you out of your mind? Well, people would be like, what's going on there? I said nothing.

I have four penis. Yeah, on my forehead. Well, I can do the same thing with my little dicks. And I have the same interesting conversation. Definitely the nipples. The nipples. Really? Yeah.

They're kind of cute. What would you choose? Oh, the nipples. Really? Well, sure. How come? The thing is, I see it as the nipples as fingers actually make doing so many tasks almost impossible.

Because the penis on your forehead doesn't keep you from doing anything. It's just aesthetically awkward. Right? In other words, you still have your full range of everything you can do with your hands. Where can I wear a hat that covers the nipples? Cover the penis? Hmm. That's a good question.

No, I think they have to be out. But they're just aesthetically weird. No, aesthetically monster. No weird. Why would you choose the nipples? I think four penises from your forehead. It's so incomprehensible that you would feel like going out in society to begin with. I really wouldn't care what you could do.

Really? No. Because you think people would be, you'd be that much of an outcast. Can you imagine? I think you would be. Impossible in your mind. I think you would make the cover of Outcast Magazine. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah, I do. The only good thing is you will have your own TV show. Yeah, that's true. Do you think they would discriminate against you? Oh, no, they wouldn't discriminate against me. You know, they would. And then, you know, what happens if some of them work and some of them don't?

Okay. Then you got it real. That's called the ups and downs. Okay. No, those are good ideas. They don't do anything. Yeah, but what if some of them go up and some of them go up? Neither one works.

Yeah. How do you know that? Because he says they're full of the same honey in there. True. He got so excited about his joke. The ups and the downs. Okay. Would they pee the dicks?

Could you pee out of your forehead dicks? No, I don't think so. Not in my mind. Could you jerk off your forehead dicks? I didn't picture that. I used to picture them like growths almost, you know. Yeah. So did I.

I didn't picture them as functional pieces, but that's a whole other level. No, because I might choose finger nipples if there were dicks that peed and ejaculated. You know, because that's way more debilitating. They didn't have to come in your eyes and pee on your forehead. That's true. It's a good point. And what are their balls to you on these dicks? I really wish my parents had thought like you do right now and asked about that.

What about the balls though? Seriously. There's no balls. Oh, okay. It's just a quotation. So don't get too excited. You don't have five penis. Barely one.

Do you hear that, Tommy? Barely one. I got some jokes for you. Oh, good. Love jokes. Ready? Yeah. What are you revisiting the infamous blonde jokes?

Oh my God. I found a new page of them. I think there's one or two repeats, but mostly new. This blew me away. I knew how he would react. I was surprised at her reaction. Really? Yes.

I'm excited to hear these. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? I don't know. Pull the pin and throw it back. What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? I don't know. Artificial intelligence. That's a good one.

Why did the blonde get fired from the banana plantation? I give up. Because she threw out all the bent ones. That's a good one. Did I tell you one? Sure. Okay. Okay.

He's so excited. I love these stupid jokes. Do you think they're just simple people? Why do they laugh like this? I know why your mother's laughing because I'm sure as a non-native English speaker, you can put two and two together and you can understand those jokes. It's a very elementary for a non-native speaker. For your dad, that's just his jam.

He loves stupid people jokes. So this blonde is sitting at a bar in Chicago. I bet you Chicago is immaterial to the joke. What do you think? Well, he's told me this joke and he told it on our show already. Oh, no. It's the same joke. Watching the five o'clock news.

And a guy sits down next to her. I remember this. Oh, God. He says, looking up to TV and there's a guy on the ledge of a building getting ready to jump. To my emails. And the guy says to the woman, I bet you, he jumps. And the woman says, you're on.

I bet you he doesn't. Well, the guy jumped. And the woman says, well, I guess I owe you a drink. And he says, I really can't take your money because I saw it on the four o'clock news that he jumped. She says, I saw it too, but I thought he changed his mind. That's pretty funny. You told me that one before.

Yeah. I got another one if you want it. Is it going to be one I've heard before? Well, of course. About the woman in the airplane going to London. I mean, you've already told me this at least 25 times. Okay. What do you call a smart blonde?

I give up a golden retriever. I like how I give up. Yeah. He still doesn't get it. You just play. You go along the ride. What? I don't, I give up.

I don't know. He's researching. Yeah. You don't need to. It's not a guessing game. I think he tries on one of these. Joke about the policy captain. Yes.

Okay. Yeah. You probably want me to come up with some new jokes eventually. It would be nice to work on that. How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? I give up. Tell her a joke on Wednesday. Yeah.

Like I tell you, you should just go how? How do you make a joke? Yeah. How? Yeah. Play along. I give up. That'd be funny.

I like that one. You like that one? I like that one. Shoot. I don't think we need to play that would you rather. I think they already decided and they are retarded. That's what I get from this. Right.

Joke out. That's funny. You know what? That is funny. That is funny. Why can't blondes count till 70? I can't think of a reason. Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.

Your mom doesn't get it. No. Your mom doesn't get it. I like that one. Your mom has no idea what that. No idea of 69 is. Like I don't know what that. No idea.

That's a high number. Yeah. Let's see. I didn't. Why did the blonde stare at a frozen orange juice can for two hours? You know, I couldn't come up with an answer for that in a million years. Because it said concentrate. That's great.

Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Serious. Oh my gosh. That's actually funny. That's really funny. That's a good one. That's a good one.

You both really like these. You would laugh at that. I don't know. I didn't know people laughed at these. I couldn't. I can't imagine laughing out loud at that. I mean seriously. I didn't think there were people who thought this shit was really funny.

I know. Somebody would laugh at that out loud. I know. It's an LOL for some people. But some people like dad boner jokes, dude. Like this is just, this is like those silly jokes you would read on the back of a bubblegum wrapper. Of course.

At most it's worth a smile. Yeah. You go, you kind of smirk at it like, oh, that's clever. That's clever. The concentrate joke. That's a solid joke. It's a solid joke to laugh out loud that hard at it. Yeah.

It's frustrating. And then you think, doesn't it make you wonder like when they come watch you perform like what, what are they? Oh, they've never laughed this hard. They've never laughed at anything. But what are they thinking of your act? If they think this shit's hilarious. Yeah.

Well, they don't laugh at it. They, what happens is I've, I've learned about him. He gauges all he cares about his audience response. He has no connection to what I'm doing. Oh boy. He just goes, they really like that. Or like, wow, you really had him going. So he's entertained by the audience being entertained.

Right. He doesn't. Yeah. Wow. It's astounding. And I think it's also very telling that his absolute favorite, favorite, favorite by far thing of mine is my most undeveloped, my elementary level stand-up, if you will. Sure.

My first thing. Your first, your first jokes. My first jokes. A little more. Yeah. Like you said, elementary. Trying to please. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm basically a, you know, a new comic and I'm, every night I'm trying to make this stuff work and it's very kind of laid out joke, joke. He's like, that's, that's my favorite. And anything past that he's like, yeah, but you know, on that first one, that's all he ever talks about. Isn't it amazing?

Do you think that, do you think that we'll ever see Ellis who he is? Do you know what I mean? Like, do you think that every, every generation supposedly gets better at this kind of stuff emotions? Oh, right. Acknowledging people. Yeah. Our faults and our faults.

Right. But do you think that we'll be able to see our child, like truly see and hear him? I think much more than we were seeing. Than our parents could. It's not amazing. It is. Like you wonder, what do they think of you? Like, what do they think of us?

What do they think of anything? It actually, I feel it inside of me when he still brings that up, that first album. Yeah. Like I'm still like. Because he doesn't appreciate the fact that you've evolved as a comic. Yeah. And I'll say you remember when you remember when I'm like, dude, stop bringing that up. Stop saying that.

That was really funny. He says it like talking about one of these jokes. You said to that guy, you're really good at that. Okay. Anyways. Yeah. It just never changes. And the other thing is that it's repeated.

In other words, he'll point the same thing out to me a hundred times about that. Like next week he might go, where are you going? I'm going to Tucson. I had a good memory on that. I'm in a soda thing he did where you said to the guy, what's your name? Like, yeah, you keep telling me that. You keep saying that to me. He's just, but he's living his own moments over and over.

You know, like he's only in his reality. Like he can't, that's what I'm saying. He can't even see what's happening and changing. It's so funny. It's so fascinating. My friends are so fascinating to me. Yeah. What?

Yeah. I love it. That was the best one. Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes? I don't know. TGIF. I don't even know what he said. They write TGIF on their shoes.

Toes go in first. I love blonde jokes. What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? Um, I have no idea. A mosquito stops sucking when you smack it. Your mom doesn't know what that means. No clue. None.

Oh, these are ones I haven't heard. I like all these. Yeah. I can see the joy in your face. Oh, this is, this is really, this has been a great trip going out here. Highlight of the, highlighted the trip. I know. I've never seen somebody enjoy street jokes as much as you.

I love them. I know. It's crazy. You got jokes? Blonde jokes? Street jokes. Oh yeah. Street jokes.

Yeah. I do. He loves them. Yeah. And then once he learned them, he repeat them and repeat them and repeat them. He knows that. Yeah, I know. Another one.

Another one. Um, you know, I'm offended by that. Why does a blonde wear a tight skirt? I don't know. To keep her legs closed. Oh, she got that one. Did you hear about the two blondes that are driving down I-75? He got it.

He told me that one a hundred times. What's the punchline? I'll just let, he's going to say it anyways. I'm offended. This is a very blonde phobic. Yeah. How offended are you? Very deeply.

I wish you guys would respect my hair color. Yeah. Are you thinking about filing suit? I'd like to. How about blogging? I'd like to vlog my feelings. I like to tweet about it. I like to demand that your dad get fired from his job for laughing at these offensive jokes.

I'm very offended you guys. It's very progressive of you. How dare you? How dare you not agree with me in my point of view and, and, uh, It's very progressive. Stereotypous blondes like that. How dare you? And they saw a sign that said clean restrooms ahead.

By the time they got to Miami, they cleaned a hundred and fifty. I love how you don't laugh. I love how you don't laugh. Yeah, I know. Of course not. Um, what is it called when a blonde blows breaking another blonde here? I give up wind tunnel. I'm not supposed to say that.

I know. I don't know. See how he goes. I'm not supposed to say that. I know. I don't know. But why would that be a joke? What's it called when a blonde blows another blonde's ear wind tunnel?

Yep. That's the punchline. Thank you. Right. You don't ask for the punch. Well, also, where's the punchline there? Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, because I see it from your point. Like I keep picturing my dad. Those are my dad. I'd be infuriated too. Cause like you're like, you're a comedian. Data transfer. Oh my gosh. I love these jokes.

I know you really do. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger in your car? I have no idea. You can park in the handicapped zone. Your mom doesn't get it. I think she got that one down. I haven't heard these blonde jokes before. I know.

I Google them sometimes. These are all good stuff. What are the worst six years in a blonde's life? I don't know. Third grade. Oh my gosh. I'm exhausted. I'm tired.

He's never laughed at anything. I know. Any comedian like never laughed at anything. No. Jay Leno? He likes Jay Leno. Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? I give up.

It takes too long to retrain them. That's a little funny. I like that one. All right. Like yeah, that's a good joke. That's really funny. You're making your five cents. I can't believe this.

Oh my gosh. Love this kind of stuff. Go on forever. I know. Does it react? It does. It does. It does.

It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does.

It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. The reactions. So big how do you get a blonde to marry you? I don't know.

Tell her she's pregnant. Oh boy. All right. I think that's enough. Right. That's enough. That's a good amount. Tony, I want to tell you about it.

Those are good jokes. I want to tell you about this. Yeah. Because it has been the best trip we have done. I've never been to a place like this. I want to tell you about the trip that I took. You know, the trip that I took. The first thing I did was to get my family's guide in this.

I was a favorite part of the visit. Is when we went to get coffee with them at the country club. Yeah. And then we got the people that don't know the country club means them all are mall. Yeah. And then your mom went into lengthy detail about her urethra opening surgery.

That was terrible. She had 20 years, 30 years, 40 years ago. She was like seeing a lot and then they're like, we're just going to open your urethra more. And the doctor scheduled it without examining. I don't want to hear the story. It's like such a gross, long story. You know, my thing that was funny was that, see to me,

it's very normal that somebody does what she's doing now, which is tell you their feelings about how much they appreciate it. And you're like so uncomfortable. I hate it. She texted us last night. Like I want to, I can't, I can't repeat the text back to you because I couldn't read it.

Yeah. Whenever somebody expresses their feelings to me, I get so uncomfortable. It's just not in my family. If you, if you express your feelings, it's a sign of weakness and you will be ridiculed. So funny to me. So nobody would say like,

thanks for taking care of us. It was a blast. Are you crazy? In Latin culture, it's about overselling that. Right. You don't just go, thanks for showing me a good time. You have to go into the detail about, you know, all, like you remember the things and like how that

made you feel and. I don't know. In our house, it's thank you. Okay. Thanks. Okay. I got to go. Like you don't, you just say thank you once and then that's it.

Or maybe you send a card so that you don't have to actually say it. Yeah. But for me, the expression of her feelings, like when she said goodbye to me last night and she was telling me all this stuff, like I couldn't, I couldn't get away fast enough. So far. I can't get away fast enough. Last night when they left.

Oh my God. That's a big speech about their gratitude. Yeah. About what a great trip. Yeah. Then they both called from the hotel like an hour later to say it again. Oh boy.

Then a text, then I woke up to a new text message and then they called me again this morning. In addition to saying it to like, yeah, it's just. That would never happen in my family. Never. But the thing is, if somebody doesn't say that, it's supposed to mean that they really didn't have a good time. So in your family, if they don't go over the board,

it means it was just like an okay trip. It just was like, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's a lot. It's a lot of pressure. Same thing about food. Like if, yes, if they try it and you go, and you go, how is it?

And somebody goes, it's good. That means this isn't good. Yeah. Because if it's really good, yeah, you would go on and on. You know, I really, really, like they did about the restaurant. Remember how many times I talked about it? So your dad didn't like the dinner I made last night. He did like it.

He didn't go over board, but he did like it because he talked about it. Okay. Even when we were watching. Well, he ate it. That's all I care about. He ate it. He must have been hungry. Yeah.

That's good. It's not his favorite though. He likes like steak. I made shrimp. That's what shrimp pasta. That was good. I liked it a lot. I liked it.

It's one of our favorites. But yeah, the feelings, I can't, I don't like it. Like I like doing nice things for people, but I don't like to hear the thank you. I don't like it. It can be a bit much. It makes me very uncomfortable. Very.

Every second. Yeah. I absolutely can find words to thank you for these moments. See. And Ellis is the, the, the only, the only sadness I have. Oh, he's cute. That I cannot make him love me. Yeah.

I want him to kiss me, to hug me, to, you know. Well, it just takes time though. Yeah. But I was here for six days. I know that. What I really enjoyed was all the kisses I got. But you guys went overboard. Tommy.

Yeah. All the kisses and hugs and love I got from Ellis. It was really, really nice. That's his version of being like the, I'm the water champ. See, he was trying to jabber with it. It's so interesting that you and I repeat the same patterns that your parents, he's saying like, Oh, Ellis gave me a lot of hugs and kisses. Oh my God.

It's so funny. Last time you were here, we talked about how there's a whole segment of the, of the population that's non-binary. Do you remember that? It's not what? Non-binary. I think we should revisit this later. Later.

Yeah. Let's take a break. Yeah. Let's take a break. I love it though. I love listening to them. I laughed at them all week. They were here.

Yeah. It was funny. I think they're so funny. Vincent Donafrio. Vincent. Man. Shit like that. Donna freeze.

Good guy. Yeah. This is a, here, let me do this. This is something that maybe we'll cleanse the palette and then we can wrap up the show. Okay. Fuck my triple D slut wife. There you go. Remember that?

Of course. Do you think I forgot that? Decided to get the old trumpet out today. Oh boy. This guy can play the trumpet like you wouldn't believe. Oh my goodness. He's farting into his trumpet. Wow.

Incredible. Have we found the new King asterisk? I don't know, but this guy, I mean he's got a cool wig. Can I tell you something? Yeah. When I, I know when you discover something big on your mom's house, you feel it. Yeah. Like when we discovered King asterisk or that was a big find, there's been a few of those.

Yeah. This feels special. It does. I mean, I like that he's wearing a lab coat and a wig. He needs to get rid of it. To me, he doesn't need those theatrics. Oh, I think it dresses it up. It becomes more of a performance because he's, he's just Ted, you know, when he's, when

he's wearing his regular clothes. And now he's this butt trumpet master. Dr. Dr. trumpet or what? Yeah. That's pretty neat. Look how concentrated. Look how focused. Wow.

Focus. Yeah. Focus. Yeah. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus.

Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. You really got to put that up on their type. Yeah. Even just to do your mouth.

It's very hard to blow a trumpet. Actually, that's really talented real talent. This guy. I hope there are more. I hope we get to see more from dr. But trumpet dr. But trumpet. All right.

Wow. What a talent. That's a gene. Anything else? No, I oh, no, no. We've already done our dates. Yeah. So that's that's in the past.

There you go. Thank you guys for listening. And I love you. Gene. I love you. Don't say gene. We'll see you next week. Bye guys.

My mummies. Ladies and gentlemen. This jazz is about a highway, huh? Can't imagine what the enthusiasm is about. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. That's bananas. That's bananas.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, all 01:52:19,940 --> 01:52:24,940 Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, again, Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. There you go.

There you go. So hot yeah. That's the most disturbing dead moment of all. Yeah.