Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 401-Ari Shaffir--Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: June 21, 2017

When a longshoreman doesn't feel like talking, you better get to walking or you're gonna get trespassing. That's just the way it goes.  Plus, your feedback is boring in for Christina's Fart Mistress Shed. Will she go thru with it?  AND we have a new awful work song. It's really quite depressing. Hope you enjoy it! The real news is Ari Shaffir is not only back from his vision quest, he's actually HERE, in the mommy dome. He has a new special coming to Netflix July 18 called Double Negative. Oh and he still owes Tommy and Bert a trip. 

No, Gene, got a huge week, Gene. Big week. Firstly, I'm filming my special hour this Saturday, June 24th at the Showbox Theater in Seattle. If you would like tickets, the link is at 1000 Ranch.com. You put in for it and then they will email you back. Also, I'm running it one last time at Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank and the You Who Room small room. And that's it. That's all I got on the, oh, in July 9th. No, no, when, when do you run it? You said June 22nd. Okay. Yeah. Eight o'clock show at You Who Flappers Burbank. July 9th is the Palmcast live, live at the sperm, sperm volume improv in, where is it? It's in sperm volume California. That's a big ol' improv there. We did it back in

February and now we are back doing the Palmcast for all of you. Your mom's house. So get those tickets. Go to TomSugarra.com slash tour. If you scroll to the bottom of the page, it has the podcast dates. So make sure you check those out. I am going to the Dirty Dirty. I'm going to be in Richmond, Virginia, Virginia Beach, Virginia, Greensboro, Asheville, and Charles Come, Charles's Come, Charleston, South Carolina. That's all coming up. Also coming to Australia. Please don't forget Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane and Perth. And I launched a huge fall run, Denver, Oakland, Indy, Austin, San Antonio. There's a whole bunch of them. Too many to list. That's all at TomSugarra.com slash tour. And we also hit, I almost forgot,

the Palmcast is going to be in West Palm Beach, Breastballs Beach, Florida, August 23rd. So all those, go to TomSugarra.com slash tour. If you want to see Christina P, shoot that special, you go to a thousand ranches. Is that correct? Yep. All right. There you go. How about that, Jean? I like it. Yeah. So there you go. We have Mr. Aristotle Schaefer, also known as Ari Shafir. Is it short for Aristotle or Arethra?

Arethra Schaefer is here. And he joins us a little bit later in the show, but joins us for a good long time. And we have a lot of fun with him. He was great. It was really such a quick time. The time flew and we covered some really great topics, some important topics. Just to name a few, Ari and I finally discussed our mutual love of shit to shower. We did some seminal would you rather with him. Yeah. And we caught up with the Daniacs. See, we saw what they were up to. Yeah.

They're out there. Apparently they're out in the open water. I didn't know that. It's been a while since we've jumped on board with the Daniacs. So a lot to go over, a lot of fun. And again, to make this totally clear, I think we've said it multiple times during the show, but Ari will be on Netflix with a new double special called double negative premieres July 18th only on Netflix. Ari Schaefer double negative. Check it out. Okay. You should see me when we drive by a bike store. You should see me when we drive by a bike store.

There you go. That's cool. It was called stranger bikes and it's by, let's see, Snick and Stephen. Snick and Stephen. What it says. I like that. I really like that. Stranger bikes playing off the stranger things theme.

I can't wait for that show to come back. It's coming back. Dude, when? I guess there's a big uproar right now. People are upset that they didn't renew since eight. Oh, I couldn't get into that. I tried and I couldn't. Did you try? I don't, I saw the pilot. That's the only thing I saw. I couldn't get. Yeah. Can I tell you, we, we said,

That's a bunch of people all over the world, right? That have superpowers. Like one guy can come a lot and then the other lady. I missed that episode entirely. You didn't know that? Nope. Are they all going to come strike? No, I think you're confusing that with something else. One of them can talk to Hitler.

No. No? No, I don't think so. I don't think that can happen. We tried watching last. Rob. Rob. Is that the guy?

Did you do your exercise this weekend while I was away? Yeah, I did. I worked on it. How many did you get through? I got through 50. You did? Just 50. But that's getting, that's progress. Your first 50 strokes.

This dude wants you to get 300 strokes in. That's not possible. And then have an orgasm, just not ejaculate. Let the orgasm happen on the inside. How do you, I hear that happens when you, when you get snipped. Rob, Rob, Rob. That you, in the beginning, I don't think you begach anything. When you get snipped.

When you get a vasectomy. Oh. You might not, I don't think you make a begach in the beginning and then you make something. No. Dr. Drew was saying that he doesn't have any juice that comes out because he had to. That would make sense. No. He had, he had a stethoscope cancer.

Sorry. Not a vasectomy. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Because vasectomy, you still have semen coming out. But not the potent load. Yeah.

Yeah. No sperm. There's no sperm in it. Sperms. Sperms. Sperms. Like shrimps. Yeah.

Sperms. Shrimps. A lot. I hate that. Especially if they just had an espresso. Oh, I hate that. And they just came from the library. The espresso one makes me the most upset because I hear servers and baristas.

Yeah. And they're like, and you want an extra shot of espresso in that? Yeah. How do you, you work here? You should know. And you've read it on the menu. Over and over. You've seen the word.

Yeah. Stupid fuck. Sperms, man. Sperms. So it was, oh, so we, we tried watching yesterday after porn ends too, hoping to find. Oh, yeah. We'll talk. Oh, yeah.

We'll talk. Oh, yeah. We'll talk. Oh, yeah. We'll talk. Oh, hoping to find some gems in there. Like we did with the other porno documentary. Yeah.

Where she was like, she did that hooker math segment. Remember? That was the best. Do it though. Go ahead. The math was the man, the hooker math was you get like, I don't know, $500 a shoot of scene, right? She's going over it.

She's like, but they offer you to let a guy come inside of you. Yeah. An internal surprise, an extra hundred dollars. Right. And she goes, so get an extra hundred bucks. She comes inside, then, you know, the morning after pill, the plan B is only $40, only $40. So that's, that's 60 bucks. I got to keep it in my pocket.

It's a win-win is what she's trying to do is let this dude, I don't know coming me on camera. So that's neat. It's immortalized forever. What's wrong with that? But you get an extra 60 bucks, huh? Like I was telling you, if, if, if she had been like, and then for like a guy to finish inside, you know, I get another $400, we're like, well, you know, that's,

That makes sense. You're like, okay. That makes sense. $400 would be worth a guy doing that. Yeah. It's just to show you like what scumbags the, like that industry is run by. They don't even go like, here's 140. So the 40 you get to, the plan B, you get your plan B, you get to make a hundred dollars.

They're like, you figure it out, whatever, whatever you got to do. It's on you. Maybe you want the kid. Who knows? So it's on you. Yeah. It's on you and gems, but apparently these porn stars, they followed are too smart and they figured out how to get out.

Well, they were going, I think we got to keep, I think we should finish it because if you notice they would go, It was too uplifting for me. Well they would go, they would go different types of stories, like up and down, right? So like they would do one person who was like, it was a blast back then and now I'm have, you know, I'm retired and, Married. Dogs.

And then, so like that's a kind of a sweeter story. Then you go to the guys like, I have AIDS and you're like, oh, shit. And then they go to the lady who was like, I had a lot of fun doing it and you know, it was crazy, blah, blah, blah. So I think we should, I think if we keep watching, we're going to get somewhere, you know, maybe fun. But it definitely wasn't hook or hilarious. Yeah.

Give me those hard knocks stories. I know. His was like, man, his HIV story. Jesus. Well, to his credit, he looks great. He really seems to maintain his body well and, and he's working out a lot and he seems happy. Oh my God.

That dude is like so extra yoked, but I think you got to be juicing, right? To be on that. Yeah. That kind of body. Yes. Especially with an autoimmune disease, definitely. My dad was telling me about that, about some of these bodies you see on people. So like, if you don't know Top Dog, who's obviously been on this show a million times,

he was a competitive Olympic lifter for years. I mean, from the time he was 13 till about 29 or 30, and he would working out six days a week. Most of his workouts were like three hours plus. Like these guys were maniacs and he goes, you know, I was in great shape. I was a two time state champion. I was ranked nationally. He goes, I didn't have a, like the body that you see some of these guys have.

Right. Oh wow. I'm somebody who was lifting weights every day. And eating steak every day. Steak and potatoes every day. Every day. This was before supplements. Creatine.

Vitamins. No roids. He's just like a workout. I ate a steak, potato, and that was what he did. But it's interesting because you see these days you see crazy bodies. So especially in men, like super sculpted, you know, statue-esque bodies. But it's also the era of like people taking growth hormone and, and, uh, and test out, you know, like.

Sure. Access. Yeah. Access to all these things. Because with him, like I've seen pictures of him and his, and his like super competitive lifting days. And it looks like a super fit guy, but you don't see like muscles kind of falling. They're really defined in the veins and all that.

You and your dad are built like brick shithouse. Is that how you say it? Sure. Not a shit brick house. Yeah, you do say that a lot. But you guys are built for that. You're very sturdy and Ellis has that back too. You guys have brought the shoulders and the back for it.

We have the same blueprint. My dad just took it in the direction of working hard at it. Yeah. Right. But you're genetic. I mean, you lived weights. We've got weights. Yeah.

You know, gym, whatever. No, I could, I could pursue it more. But like we, we were talking about his workouts one time and I was like, fuck that dude. I mean, he was competitive. He's nuts. I mean, I wouldn't, I don't have the desire to do what he was doing. You and I both have that lazy gene that counteracts any sort of wanting. I forced myself to swim and do Pilates, but I hate it.

He also had a group. This is the thing that they would lift us like a team. And he goes like, if you left early or skipped any day, the other guys would ride you so hard about it that you were like, fuck that. They would only go on dates after, you know what I mean? So if it was like, hey, I'll pick you up on Friday and you go like seven, I'd be like, no, I'm 930 after I'm done. Yeah.

When I'm done, discipline. Wow. So they were so, so disciplined. That's cool though. It's good. Kept him on straight now. Fucking 30 sets, you know, up squats. I'm like, no, dude, but it's, but your dad is the type of personality who really likes

structure and discipline and focus and like having that. You know what I found unrelated to this? Really interesting. Watching that documentary was like, she was an old lady now, but she did like the devil and Mrs. Jones or whatever that porno is, the old ass one. Yeah. By the way, she looked like old. She looked old as fuck.

Bitch. Why are you old? Huh? Dude, she's old. She's old. Old. Old. She's like the rub, rub guy.

But so, but they showed a picture of her nude and I was startled by it because you're like, oh yeah, that's what human bodies looked like. Yeah. Prior. She had a nice normal body. No. And I was beautiful. Yeah.

But I forget what normal bodies look like in print. Yeah. Human bodies with natural breasts that just that, that laid normal and they weren't enormous quadruple D fuck my triple D slut wife tits. I know. And platinum blonde hair. Plat. Police, police, police, police, police.

Ten thousand. Yeah. And the face, it looks like it's drawn on, like she's in, like she's in shock. The photos. And the eyebrows. I wonder why that aesthetic is the pop. How did that happen? I like looking at different looking women, obviously, you know, like a variety.

Nature has variety. Yeah. And it's exciting to see, you know, but like hungry tits, big tits. Why it went to like as like that's hot because I don't feel like that is. I don't know which committee decided that all porn chicks have to look identical because I mean, like, like there are men who like hungry or tits and big shorts and different shaped faces are interesting. Yeah.

Noses different, you know, all that shit is interesting. I know what I think it is. Different hair. I think the beginning was Pam Anderson. Honestly, I think sometime around her era, people went, oh, the gold standard is blonde as fuck, huge tits, tiny, tiny waist and Barbie. It's essentially Barbie. And actually, no, the porn star's body is a bigger tits than what Barbie had.

Barbie was like a C. Sure. These bitches are quadruple T G tits. Super quadruple tits. Yeah. Look, we haven't even started. What? Well, look how many interesting topics we've already gotten.

I mean, we're ready. It's gonna be a good show. It'll be fun. It'll be a hot ticket. Yeah. Let's do it. Let's do the show. Let's go.

Let's go. Let's go. Hey, it's your fucking camera out of here. That's none of your fucking business. We're a biite unless you are trespassing, get the fuck out of here now. Get out of here now! Hey, okay. Don't fuck with me, partner.

You're not the PR staff, are you? You don't fucking worry about who I'm with. Man, this shit is big time! Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Yo, mama in the fucking stand! Welcome, welcome, to your mom's house with Tom Segura, Tom. Christina Pajits, Christina Pajits.

Welcome to your mom's house. You're not part of the TA staff, are you? No, he's not. PR staff. PR, all that. Public relations. You're not part of the transsexual adjustment staff, are you? What's the TA?

Transgendered, what's your pronoun? What's your pronoun? Sorry. Defended. Are you? What? You just assumed my pronoun. That's true.

I did really assume it. When are we going to see non-binary porn? I can't wait to see all that stuff. You don't think that's coming? Of course that's coming. Of course it's coming. What's your pronoun? I was on Instagram, you know, I love Instagram.

Instagram is my favorite social media. Isn't it the best? It is. I like photos. I like, you know, looking at a photo and deciding, like, that's enough information for me. I like a nice caption, a photo, I'm done. I like it because you really get insight into people's mental illness.

It's not just a cursory look. You know one thing I saw that I realized is fucking super weird to me? Not weird, it's just I go, hmm, I love cars, you know, I've always been in love with cars since I was a little boy. I like playing with toy cars, I like car magazines, I just love cars. But you'll find somebody that has, you know, a photo, like let's say I found, oh, this guy in front of his car, I'm like, that's a beautiful car. Go to his page and his page is nothing but him and his cars and you're like, it's just

like it's too much and it's also like this guy defines himself entirely by what he has. That's interesting. There's that, that's, so that's how the guys do it. Yeah. The girls do the body. The girls do the, well, what's interesting about the body thing is that they take half naked pictures. What?

Oh my God. What? I got to show you. I just got this text. What? The bottom, read the bottom. Oh my God. Tonight.

Oh my God. What do I do? I don't know. We'll have to figure this out. Should we press pause? I think so. Shit. All right.

It's got some exciting show business news for Tom, which we can't reveal. Yeah. Well, I mean, yeah, it didn't mean to be so dramatic. Obviously. You are dramatic. It's basically, I mean, I can say this, it's just like I had an audition and they want to see me again. So it's next level.

So that's awesome. And it's very exciting. And everybody, everybody cross your sphincters for Tommy, cross your B-holes. It's all good. Big excitement. Good, good week for the Segura house. Not going on. Yeah.

What were we talking about before the surprise? Fudge. Oh, scamper snapples. What were we talking about? We're talking about, well, we're talking about the porno thing before the break. Bodies. Bodies. And then I played this fucking guy.

So do you want to know what that setup was for that? Yeah. Why that guy was flipping out? Yeah. So apparently there was this, this is a cow. I'll tell you what the thing said here is that the guy, there was an incident occurred at the International Longshore Warehouse Union in Longview, Washington. And reporters were there to ask about a hostage situation that happened weeks prior.

So six guards were held hostage for a couple hours after 500 or more longshoremen broke down gates and smashed windows in the guard shack. And this longshoreman is in no mood to answer these questions. So in other words, this is something that's been like in the news and this news reporter is just like, hey, I want to ask again, you know, or ask more about the incident that happened. I think it calls him a cock bite, which is really funny. I've never heard that one before.

Cock bite is amazing. Cock bite. That's great. Yeah. Wow. I love that you had that isolated already. You knew that was a winner. Of course.

Yeah. Cock bite. Yeah. So this is how the whole thing unfolds. The guy's showing up. The news guy going like... Oh, hi. I'm with KGW and just wanted to know if there was anyone here who might want to talk to

us about the situation. From the... Actually, if you go down to Mill Avenue, talk to them, don't ask us down there, e-g-g. They'll tell you how they're fucking the longshoremen around here. So that's the gentleman who gets more upset. The Jetsman. I guess you see that the cameraman, one of them, starts filming something that's printed out.

Hey, get your fucking camera out of here. That's none of your fucking business, you cock bite. Unless you want trespassing, get the fuck out of here now. Get out of here now. Also... Don't fuck with me, partner. You're not the PR staff, are you? I like how that guy maintained a sense of humor.

Yeah. You're not the PR staff, are you? I am. I also think it's funny that the guy goes, unless you want trespassing, like not if you want to be charged with trespassing, like unless you want robbery, he missed conjugated. Yeah. Well, yeah. It's understressful.

It's understress and it's understandable, but I think he keeps saying it. You want trespassing? Like you want something to drink, you want some trespassing with you? Get the fuck out of here. That's none of your fucking business, you cock sucker. Unless you want trespassing, get out of here. You might be drunk. Watch your fucking camera, bro.

You cock sucker. I just wanted to hear your story. I said buy now or you're going to get trespassing. You're going to get trespassing, yeah. You're going to get charged with trespassing. Charged with... Right. Or, you know, I'm going to say you are trespassing or...

Are you going to... You are trespassing. You're going to get trespassing, is what you said. You're going to get it. You're going to get it. You're going to give it to them, the trespassings. You're going to give you a shot of trespassing. With the shrimps.

Yeah. And the expressos. All the shrimps, the sperms and the expressos are going to get you trespassing. And the library. The library. You guys have a library here? I'm doing a paper on a shrimp. Oh, we were leaving.

The fuck you are? The cock sucker's sitting there. You know what? You dumb motherfucker, you like your fucking glasses? Don't fucking threaten me, you son of a bitch. Don't say a word, my friend. Get the fuck out of this parking lot right now. You think you leave?

Like, just go. That's business. Get out of here now. Yeah. Why is this guy fucking with him? I like the, he has a great disposition though. The camera. Yeah.

At least he's like, I'm just doing this, man. Yeah. He's done this 500 times. Yeah. Yeah. He's seen people lose their minds. But don't you feel like, I don't, you don't get to hear people yell like this anymore. You know?

You don't really get to see it. Cock bites and stuff. I feel like I haven't seen people freak out like this in a minute. I like it. Yeah. I miss it. We used to pull these all the time, people. Right.

Yeah. Me too. Cause I like seeing people get upset like that. Yeah. Yeah. It's super funny. Yeah. This guy is, he's upset because there is a buildup of people asking this that you don't

get to see. In other words, usually when someone loses their mind, it's not over something reasonable, right? It's, it's because something builds up over time. This guy's been asked these questions for six weeks. It's the original trigger. Yes. And he's mad.

I'm not, this guy, he's mad at the, the fucking, yeah, the first, the second, the third. The third. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This is pretty good. That's so funny.

This is the answer. Take your fucking pictures. I'm not going to touch that cocksucker. I'd fucking co-cock him in a heartbeat. I'm with you. Bye. Get out of the fucking parking lot. Fuck you, you cocksucker.

That's my name. Fuck you, cocksucker. Yeah. Yeah, dude. Get him, dog. That's his name. Fuck you. That's my name.

Fuck you, cocksucker. That's my name. I miss this shit. Yeah. We got to get more angry clips again. I forgot how fun these are. And if we could go around the room and everybody just state your name. Fuck you, you cocksucker.

All right. Hi. Fuck you, you cocksucker. Yeah. Cock bite. Cock bite. Yeah. And I miss the racist ones.

Remember? And he's like, you fucking speck. I'm sorry. Huh? Huh? Screaming over the fence. That was a good one. That one was great.

Yeah. I wonder if that. And suck my pussy. That was good. It's been a while. Kiss my pussy. Yeah. Not suck my pussy.

You fucking bitch. Immigrant motherfucking. These longshoremen though. I wouldn't fuck with these guys. Well, you know, our. These guys do real work. Real work. Yes.

They're real. Real fucking men. Well, our old landlord, one of our past landlords was a longshoreman and he was not, he was a very gentle, sweet guy, but he would tell stories of his, you know, coworkers being gnarly dudes. Yeah. Some of them are real gnarly. Real gnarly.

Where? Why? Why? Why? Why? I was at the Aero Puerto yesterday bright and early and I was listening to people talk on their phones and the rage inside of me is kind of like that, like the cock bite rage where you're like, what are you doing asshole?

You know, and especially in this era, people feel okay. About watching videos on their phone at full volume in public, like who's, and nobody's correcting this behavior, but the phone conversations in city is because you're on the receiving end of one side of a conversation. Yeah. And I think when it's way worse, sir, is when it's in a foreign language. Yeah. Now I don't even understand what the fuck you're saying and your language sounds horrible

to me. And is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, I think the worst language, I don't know what he was, it may have been Vietnamese only because they don't have a volume control. I know. And it's so loud. It's so loud. Dude you know that you're in public.

Yeah. Why are you fucking, it's, it's. And yelling in your language and it's, listen, we spoke Hungarian growing up in my house, but you know, yeah. Yeah. What was that? That's speakerphone feedback. What we didn't do in public is speak Hungarian because it's rude and it's, it excludes people.

Yeah. You know what I mean? You speak fucking English when you're in public asshole. You do the, the, the speaking in another language in public because you really have a secret to tell me. You're excluding. Yeah. Yes. It's, it's disrespectful to the, you know.

I see this all the time. Oh no. I'll hold the phone. Get your life. Stop it. In front of them. They're like, stop it. Right here right now.

Stop it. Yeah. Going at the airport. Yeah. Stop it. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

I know. And you're like, dude. You're like, no one wants to hear this whole fucking thing. No. And it's never about, you know, it's not, it's not about who won the Nobel Prize or a, you know, quantum theory. It's always like, we're going to meet you down at the baggage claim. All right.

Yeah. Okay. All right. She's going to bring the cake. Like, what are you doing? It's total, like, it is that some people have total disregard for the world around them. Yes. And for other people.

Oblivious. I don't even know if the, I think some of it is conscious. I think it is conscious. Like, they, they want, they want you to hear what they're talking about sometimes. They feel like it's, uh, something, you know, it's, it's like, I'm important. Yeah. You just are, you're standing there and you're like, huh? Yep.

Yep. Interesting. None of us are sitting here, minding our own business because that's the thing that stands out is that everyone, literally everyone else in those situations is considerate of everyone else. That's why that person stands out. You're the only one. You're the only one doing this.

It doesn't care. Dick bag. Fucking bite. What's your least favorite language though? Let's get into that. I'm going to go with, I don't like Russian. I have a bias though. Oh, we all have biases.

Do we say that? I don't like Russian because culturally that's my tribe ish. They're, they're my, our cousins. Yeah. Uh, so that hard sounding Eastern block shit, like I, my shoulders go up around my ears. It never, by the way, as someone who has no connection, doesn't sound good to me. I don't like aggressive as fuck. Yeah.

I like hearing. If I had to pick like, I don't mind hearing the romance languages. It just sounds soft. Pretty, yeah. I mean, Portuguese, Spanish, French, come on. Yeah. Those are all like, when do you get to hear Portuguese and I mean I seldom get to hear that, but I'm saying like it's not.

But when you hear like how many, how many, how many, how many, how many? How many, how many? That's the one. No. Any language with the. That's the one that anyone Israeli they do that. Hey, go back to your fucking country. Not that.

No, it's not. It's irregardless. It's regardless. I'm saying yes. I don't give a shit. I'm not talking specific cultures. Don't care. Just the sound of your language.

Your awful language. Yes. What bothers them. Now, Hungarian doesn't sound beautiful. At all. I'm not going to pretend that our language is nice. No, it's not nice. It's terrible.

Yeah. But anything. Yes. Anything. I'll throw in. Yeah. Obviously speaking English like that is. That's it.

Way worse for two. Awful. Awful. Yeah. Yeah. So we're going to get at the market. There's no onions in the house. You're like, Jesus, dude.

It's worse that you can't understand it because you're like, your conversation's so dumb. So dumb. Yeah. God. So boring. People just repeat the same things to each other over and over. There is a split. There are people that are oblivious because you can look at someone.

What the fuck are you doing? And they're like, what? What? They don't know. It's so cool that it's a, what it is, it's, it's a, an attempt to show power. Yeah. Because what you're saying is like, this is a moment where I can, I'm going to talk loudly in this room.

I'm dominating the space with my voice. You assholes have to hear what I'm talking about. Yeah. One time you and I were at a hotel. We were coming out of a nice restaurant and there was a guy on his speakerphone. I don't know if you remember it, but we were getting a valet. We're waiting for the valet. And full, full volume.

Like, hey, I can know what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, like from like sounding like Ivory Coast, something and soul. I mean, actually I'll enjoyed him because I like that accent. Yeah. But the, it was just, he was so loud. Yeah. It's so, it's just so, and when you're tired and you're in the airport, you're like, I don't want to, I don't want to hear your fucking, I don't want to hear you bro.

I agree. A lot of, uh, basically I don't want to hear your conversation. Yeah. I don't want to hear your video or the music. The worst. One time I was out of their mind sitting next to a girl watching Korean soap operas. Here's how a blitz. Jesus Christ.

Loud. Some people are, I'm on a plane a week ago and a kid has his iPad or whatever or some toy, and I'm like, hey, and I look over and then his parent was like, oh, don't forget that one. Like was helping him play the game. Yeah. And you're like, why don't you tell your kid to turn that down or give them headphones so headphones.

The rest of us don't have to hear. It's obnoxious. You are obnoxious. One time I was on a plane and a guy was watching his movie, but he had his earbuds in, but the volume was pumping out full, full volume and it was a late night flight and I'm eyeballing him, eyeballing him. Finally I go, excuse me, could you listen to that on your earphones and he goes, oh, I thought I was.

I'm so sorry. And then he plugged it in. That was the one time. I did actually see a person last week do the same thing. Right. I didn't correct him. But what happened was a couple was sitting next to each other and Star Wars started. You can hear it in the cabin, like dun dun dun dun, and I see them going with their headphones

and they're like, and then, and then all of a sudden the guy goes, oh, we're not plugged in. And he, he, you know, he plugged it in, but that was, it's different, right? Like he's trying to. Trying to be a civilized human. People are fucking psychos though. It's, it really is to the advent of the, the cellular phone. Yeah.

It's the iPhone etiquette. We really haven't, we haven't figured out yet what proper etiquette is for the phone. Yeah. I think that'll be hopefully in the next few years. People go, all right, dinner. It shouldn't be on the fucking table. Yeah. There should be an iPhone etiquette school or, or just societal norms that we should

all adhere to from now on. Agreed. Are you reading anything now, by the way? Oh boy. I'm not going to answer that. That's a setup of some sort. No, it's not. Of course it is.

No, it isn't. I'm reading a book right now, Red Notice. What is it? Red Notice. Is there a lot of pictures in there? No. Yeah. Oh, I zinged you.

I'm just reading it. Interesting. Uh-huh. What's that about? Uh, it's about this guy who his, his grandfather started the Communist Party. Oh, cool. And then he went on, it's a Russian, basically real life thriller. So it's my enemy, basically.

Uh-huh. Yeah. But it's an interesting story. You know, I feel about the Russians. So I'm in the part right now where he's, um, it's basically introducing how he came to work. He's a businessman, but in Eastern Europe. Oh, very cool.

Right. So. I didn't know you were interested in that. You should talk to my dad about that. He loves Communist stuff. Yeah. So, but you're not reading anything right now? Of course.

I read stuff all the time. But what are you reading right now? Uh, it's called the, the something of the gifted child, the, it's called the something of the gifted child. Yeah. I read a child psychology book. So I don't fuck up our kid. The drama of the gifted child.

This lady has a review of that right here. Okay. Here we go. He's reading it. Oh, shit. She's not even talking yet. Hold on. That was my mistake.

Okay. Here we go. He's reading the book. You have footage of me reading? Yeah. You know, I read Kindles. I don't read that. Oh my God.

My, my ass is like a monster. Pretty good review, right? Um, is that what the drama of the gifted child? That's the same thing. Do we get fartmistress.com? I think we did last week. Yeah. I think we need to start doing something with it.

I'm surprised nobody had fartmistress. I know. Really? You really stole that one. This goes to show that the women doing the fart videos aren't that creative and that I could really put a dent in that industry. Why don't you at least sell that to somebody, you know? Fartmistress?

I mean, to a real fartmistress. I would love to. Hey, anyone out there want fartmistress? This one owns it. I'll sell it to you for a reasonable price. I mean, that's a long one. Phew. Whoa.

That's her fart. That was a really good one. Yeah. It's really crazy. It's almost ass-ripper. It's like a monster. That's how my mother spoke English when she first got to this country. Yeah.

You know? It's like she would call a fan a monster. I remember that. A monster. Yeah, she's like, the monster? Because she didn't know how to say fan. She's like monsters make noise. But this lady said that her ass is like a monster.

It's pretty neat. It's kind of accurate. Now, didn't you have quite a brown day? I'm so glad you brought that up. Yeah. I'm going to hit the all aboard brown talk. Oh, really? We're about to get into it.

Oh, okay. All right. He didn't know that was coming. Hold on. All aboard. Next up. Brown talk. Brown talk coming up.

It went on. So, I went to Man Friend Disco this weekend. Thank you, everybody, that came out to my shows. They were super fun. It was really great. I had a lot of fun. Met a lot of mommies. And so anyways, on Saturday, I go have Thai food by my hotel on the

Embarcadero there. And I don't eat fucking honky food. You know what I'm saying? When I want flavor, I get some goddamn flavor. Well, especially San Francisco. I mean, you have so many great choices in San Francisco to like eat real authentic. Yeah.

That loves the food there. So, I go to this Thai place. I order my panang curry and I was like, you make that shit spicy and don't make it fucking white girl spicy. Like, I want legit heat on that bitch. Well, I actually have a bit in my act right now about that. Is that still funny? Seriously?

Yes. Seriously? Yeah, yeah, I'll tell you about it later. Is it because I ordered that way at Korean Barbecue so much? No, no. Remember, I demand that they give me spicy soup. I have a joke. Not a bit about it.

Oh, okay. Any hoodles. I order it and I ask for spicy and they bring it out. And I'm like, oh shit, like they really, it was too much. So, I couldn't send it back because I demanded it. You know what I mean? So, I had to eat the dish anyways and push through the pain. But it was too spicy.

It was hot as fuck dude. Like they didn't hold back on me at all. So, like I have to do this. Like I can't. I have to save face. So, I eat it. I forget about it. I'm fine.

And then showtime rolls around and the farts begin. And I had forgotten what I had eaten earlier. I was like, why are these farts here? You know when you do that where you kind of are like, I'm farting, but I'm not sure why. And then it occurred to me. I had that Thai food and it was like mystery solved. So, I sit down to make brown and I'm having so many pain.

It's so much pain because the farts are really violent, like hard farts. And I fucking, I'm shitting. I'm shitting. And it's showtime now. I'm getting text messages from the club like, hey, the show's at 730. You know that, right? And I'm in my show outfit, like tights, dress.

And I'm like, I'm shitting. And it's bad. And it's like a multi wiper. And I don't have time to go shit to shower because it's showtime. Like I just have to keep rub, rub, rub, rub, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe. Never ending wipe. There's, I have leaky butt. There's so much toilet paper in the bowl.

There's so much brown in the bowl. It was so painful. And then so I flush and I'm like, cool. It went down and then the water rises. And it starts to spill a little, little, little. And then miraculously it slowly goes back down. So it goes under. When you told me that the first thing I asked you was turds on the ground.

The ground, yeah. It reminded me of Jacksonville. That's right. That's where turds were on the ground. At the comedy zone. And that's where I had turds on the ground. And I had to tell the hotel staff that there were turds on the ground. And then I caught the toilet.

Yeah. What? Yeah. Overflows the water. Turds? Turds. The ground and the water. Turds on the ground.

And out and everywhere. Turds on the ground. Turds on the ground. That's so close. What's going on here? What's going on here? What? What?

What? Classic jam. Yeah. Turds on the ground. And it's cold here. There's turds on the ground. What? What?

Turds on the ground. Turds on the ground. There's turds on the ground. Back up and out. Oh my God. Yeah. Yeah. I got...

Jeff Tipler made that. It was really good. So I got really close to turds on the ground, but no turds on the ground in San Francisco. But it was close, dude. Terrific. It was bad and I... Like I said, it was just like a leaky butt situation all night. I kept wiping.

It was terrible. Yeah. Do you get that too? I forget. What? The never-ending wipe where you just keep wiping all night. So upsetting. God, it's so upsetting.

You know what that brings up? Did this actually came in? You brought this up right now. This isn't planned. Look, this email came in. Stop it. I swear to God. Stop it.

Don't read it. It's so stupid. How do blind people know to stop wiping? Hey, Hitler's, I've been a big fan of the show since mommy Tina was in Fartnix a few months ago. I've been binge listening to you 40 plus hours a week. 40 plus. I'm having every second of it.

I'm not all the way through, but I've always wanted to know one thing. I believe you're the people who helped me find out. How do blind people know when to stop wiping? They don't. How have we gone this long without knowing this age old question? Thank you for everything you do. Look forward to seeing you too. The next time you are in Fartnix, Steven C.

That's the funniest thing. We've never discussed. I feel like we may have discussed it. It feels familiar. I really do think we've discussed it, but I think it's been a long time. How do they know? I asked one time, they wipe a bunch and then they do a bare hand wipe and they smell. No, stop.

Wait, I know they have a dog do it. Seeing eye dog helps. No, it's a reasonable question. I think the dog sniffs your B-hole and says, if there's brownie, keep wiping. I think you just get a sense of it, just like a feel, because you're so tied to your vision helping you. Your senses. Eventually, I think what happens, it becomes intuitive and they just go, I'm done now.

That's a good theory. Well, if you're blind, I guess have someone write in for you. Or you could write in. How do they do it? They didn't take it? You don't think they take rice either? They don't type of the email. Sure they do.

Or they have Braille keyboards, huh? Right. Oh yeah. Okay. So use your Braille keyboard and let us know. Let us know. How you wipe. God, all these mysteries.

Tell us about the learning curve. Tell us about bad times you guessed wrong. Don't just be like, yeah, of course I know how to do it. Give us a little insight. We're dumb. We don't know these things. See, this is so important the work we're doing on your mom's house. Remember when I asked if retarded people knew they're retarded and now we're going

to find out if blind people know how they're done wiping. It's pretty interesting. I feel like we're really helping society. We're helping a lot. We haven't yet mentioned that pretty soon we're going to be joined by a guest today. Mr. Aristotle Schaefer is coming in. Is it really short for Aristotle? No.

Not his name. No. Aristotle wasn't Jewish. No. No. It's Greek. It's a Greek name. I know that.

I feel like I have more thoughts on this blind wiping situation though. Yeah. Okay. Do you have any more opinions on it? Are you saying that? I just can't stop thinking about it. I feel like that's wild. Okay.

Oh, here's what I was going to say because sometimes Browns are misleading. The other week I had what I thought would be a disastrous cleanup. Yeah. It was hot and I was like, oh, this is going to be a nightmare. And I went to wipe and the paper was totally clean. Yeah. So it's like, it's just not a science, you know? Yeah.

Who are you texting? Erie. What's he doing? Just letting him know. Is he on time? I don't know. I hate when people are late. Me too.

Oh, God. You know what I thought was funny? In Man Friend Disco, the women were talking about, because when I lived there in the 90s, it was hard to find a boyfriend because all the dudes are gay. Now, Now they're not. Right? Now they're not all gay.

Now they're all nerds. Yeah. I hear because of the tech industry moving up there that there's a lot more straight guys, but that they're all socially not adept. Yeah. So they're all dorks. Big old dorks. Yeah.

Yeah. The whole tech industry has moved into that area. It's completely changed the city. And it's also priced out basically the whole city. Oh, yeah. It's terrible. It was hard when I was living there. Now it's got to be way worse.

Do you ever want to move to another city though? Yeah. Do you ever like that thing? Yeah. But then I go not LA. Like I just remember it's not LA. Right. And then I go back here.

But don't you ever want to live in a city city again though? Or no. Not with a kid. I think it's... Do you want to get rid of them? No. Here's what's hard about SF is that just getting groceries. Yeah.

Like you don't have a car there because it's so hard to have a car because there's no parking. You still want to live on the ocean though, right? Ocean. You want to go beachfront? 100%. You love it. I would live in Marin. Marin County.

Yeah. Across the Golden Gate Bridge there. What about down here in LA County? Do you live anywhere beachside? Anywhere. Maribou. Yeah. Palisades.

Palisades. Santa Monica. Santa Monica. Montesantino. Verdondo. Venus. Manhattan's not like Manhattan. Manhattan's too bro-y sometimes for me.

It bros down. Hermosa's actually the most bro-y. That's too bro-y. That's bro-dog for life. Yeah. Like maybe it's a fucking thing bro. Yeah. But now I like more seclusion.

I don't like as many people. Palos Verdes. Yeah. Oh, I love Palos Verdes. It's so far though. I know. That's probably Palos Verdes. I know.

Yeah. Oxnards. Too far north. I know. The most desirable places are the ones here and they're so expensive. I know. Can I tell you what I want us to retire though? Where?

Maui. Maui? We're all like the, like the Wayne Dyers, the Doreen Virtues, all these nut bags that I like. Yeah. And the meditation retreats are like with Ram Dass and Duncan. I've never even been to Maui. I've never been there either.

But I feel like you and I would really enjoy it. Bro down. I think you and I would really dig Hawaii is like a retirement place. I want. I want. I want. I want. I want.

I want. I want. I want. I want. I want. I want. I want. I want.

I want. I want. I want. I want. I want. I want. I want. I want.

I want a birthday. Yesterday. Yesterday. You, Sir Paul McCartney. Yep. My niece Grayson. Yep.

Some other kid. Was it Bella Rosalini? All had birthdays. Yeah. Yeah. Sir Paul McCartney. That's what he likes me to call him. And Sir Paul.

Sir. And I spent the morning stuck on a plane. I woke up. I slept for three hours. It was fun. And but you got me this gorgeous ring. Yeah. Thank you very much.

It's really outstanding. I'm going to wear it on my special tape. I did a good job, right? It was a wonderful job. Sometimes you don't know when you buy jewelry for someone you're like, did I do well? I love it. You don't know until they actually, you can tell by their reaction. You were like, what?

You know why? Because I'm so Eastern Bloc that I immediately think, how much did you pay for this? I don't deserve this. I don't want to wear something expensive. Well, it was either that or a car. So I got you that. Or Ellis' college. Yeah.

I'm glad we spent it wisely. Yeah. Well, I get what you know. Do you want him to go to Yale for four years or do you want to eat a ring? That's what I decided on. I know. I just get weird about jewelry. It's a nice ring.

Jewelry. That's how you say it. Not jewelry. Jewelry. Jewelry. It was free. I wanted a contest. You did?

Yeah. Eggs, you get this? It was a shooting hoops. Oh, Chuck E. Cheese. Yeah. Well then, so you got me the super nice ring and you got me some PJs, which I love. I did because you're always like talking about PJs and you put your PJs on at night. I love Jammers.

I'm not really a PJ guy. No. I like boxers. And I've tried buying you them over the years. But it's one of those things. Do you ever have things where you go, you imagine you want to be that thing? Yeah. You know what I mean?

Yeah. I'm the same way with robes basically. Yeah. I see somewhere in a robe. I'm like, I want that robe. Yeah. And then I get a robe and I use it twice. I know.

I lose it. I forget where it is in the house. The PJs, I see someone in a, in like in a catalog wearing their PJs and I'm like, oh, I look so comfortable. I like sleeping in boxers. So I feel about high heels. Like I'll buy a pair. I'll wear them once.

And they're like, no. Right. The exception for the PJs thing is sometimes they make like sleep shorts or the real loose baggy, the dick shorts. Yeah. Yeah. I like those to sleep in. Yeah.

But I don't like an actual pajama ensemble. You know, I don't wear it. Well, it's a little corny for guys. Some guys are into it. You know, those guys are non-binary word for those. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

They're definitely challenging the intersectional narrative. If you know what I mean, I read that today. I read that on Instagram. She's just like the gaze. Somebody, this orange is a new black actress is non-binary. And somebody, yeah, she really is out and she's, she's really, hey, hi, how are you? What's your name? What's your pronoun?

You're going to die. You're going to die. Can I read you what she wrote today? Her name is Asia Kate Dillon. She's one of the white girl, white supremacist characters, white girl. Tell me your name again. Asia ASIA. ASIA.

ASIA. Uh-huh. Kate Dillon. Okay. And she plays one of the, like I said, one of the white supremacist girls on orange is the new black. So she wrote, I think people receive my message of being non-binary and viewing gender, she's really pretty and she's a great actress.

Receive my message of being non-binary and viewing gender identity as a spectrum better because I'm white, was assigned female at birth and on a super popular television show, Asia Answers, honestly. My friends who are assigned male at birth, people of color, particularly those who identify as femme have an incredibly hard time. They're ostracized and there are very few safe spaces for them. I'm grateful for my visibility and the conversations that are happening now. And I just, I like the comments.

So someone wrote, thank you, Asia, for complicating the narrative and keeping it intersectional. I don't even know what that means. It means either. That's why I love it. Oh, wait. Okay. So she's on this new show. She's the new non-binary.

Oh, on billions. On billions. Yeah. So she's on two shows? Shit, we're calling her a she and we don't know if that's her preferred pronoun, but... Oh, you said her again too. Shit. But this person is on both shows?

Yes. On billions and oranges and black holes? Yeah. Shit. She's killing it. They are killing it. Stop. Sorry, they're killing it.

This other person writes, there's also living in a country where the language doesn't gender neutral pronouns, so you have to invent them and that makes it harder for people to understand. All right. What else you got? Any other things going on? Anything happening? I don't know why it makes me laugh so hard with stuff. I know.

God love them. God help these people. Remember that kid? Jesus Christ. Oh, poopy kisses. Remember, you wanted me to bring back poopy kisses? Yeah. I made a note of it.

Poopy kisses, yeah. You said to me the other day, we got to bring back poopy kisses. It's a nice way to spin. So you're farting? Yeah. You farting? It's a poopy kiss. It's a poopy kiss for your face.

Yeah. I need to call Ari. Call Ari. Because I don't know. Let me see. Because he doesn't understand. Well, he doesn't like text like a normal person. He has like a flip phone.

Yeah. He's so weird. Yeah. Super annoying, huh? Jeez. I was joking. Let me in. All right.

Hold on. He's not a pioneer. Hold on. He's here. Let's stop for a second. Let's go get him. Let's chow inform. All right.

Yeah. We had to put, we mentioned it earlier, but it's official. It's now a thing. Our guest has arrived. You Jew, motherfucker. You Aristotle Schaefer. So. Oh, welcome.

Ari. Is that his mic? Sorry. Sorry. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Give me a second.

Give me a second. Wait a minute. No. No. How about now? Yeah. Does it work? Can you hear yourself?

Perfect. That's beautiful. Is Ari Hebrew for like, can I get a discount? What does that actually mean? What is the actual? I hope a blogger is reading this. It just goes to town on you. I will no blogger ever defend the Jews.

I've been taking your piece for 15 years. Yeah. What is Ari short for? It's pronounced Ari. It is short for Ariah. Ariah? Eliahu Ariah. It means Ariah.

It means a lion in Hebrew. Oh boy. A lion? Yeah. Wow. It's more resembling. Yeah. And what's your middle?

You used to have crazy hair. Yeah. It was great. It was great. I remember that. I see people now with that bushy, you know, ball. Yeah. And I'm like, God damn.

Yeah. What's your middle name? David in English and in Hebrew, it's Ari. Yeah. Eliahu Ariah Ben-Nachem. Cool. Jesus. Ari David, if you ask any Jew, if their name is not David, if you were like, what's

your middle name? Just guess, David. Yeah. And by the way. This makes me crazy when people are as guests on podcasts, including when I've been guests on podcasts. Yeah. And it's like, Hey, I have something and then we don't address it forever.

Yeah. So I think at least once right out of the gate, let's mention that on July 9th, 18th, 18th, Ari Shafir has a Netflix special set called, I'll take those two pennies and it's coming out. It's a double special. That would be a good name for the special. I'll take those two pennies. It's a double special.

I would actually work. I didn't think of it. It is a double special. Does it work like the way Chappelle's does, where it's like a collection and like one plays and another plays? Yeah. But Chappelle's are like, I don't know why they did it like that. They're unrelated completely.

But that is like that. Yours is actually two separate things we'll play. Yeah. Wow, dude. That's incredible. Yeah. I really envisioned it that way. So you literally get to finish a special start number two, start number two, take a break

on real man. And they, so I don't understand. So you film them a year apart or simultaneous? No, I filmed them simultaneously. So I had, I did a cap city and I changed clothing. I finished it. Thank you. Good night.

And then they clapped and I was like, Hey, don't go anywhere. I forgot like a shitload left. And then I changed clothes on stage and you change the set at all. Change the set we left because I wanted to have a similar look. So I changed it to like the lighting. So it's just like distressed wood background and I changed the backlighting and the foreground lighting. I flipped them for the second one and I changed my clothes.

Interesting. So it's a little bit different. I know, but like, why don't you tell them the kind of the concept? Yeah. Half it's about children. My feelings of it. Sorry. You guys have your kids cute.

But it's just not for me. Yeah. Right. We figured that out. Yeah. Not exactly a mystery. Why would you let me touch them? No.

Is it because of germs? I encourage strangers, strange men to touch my little boy. Naturally a good boundary. In other words, some kids his age, somebody goes like, hey, like that. And they run up and hug them. I discourage that. And our kid doesn't do that. Distrust people.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Our kids are like, are you looking for me? Yeah. Yeah. It's great. Yeah. I, as you know, have contacts at Netflix and I reached out and was able to obtain

a clip. Oh, wow. So here's a little taste. This better not just be Jews at the Western Wall. No, no, no. It's not. Okay. I knew it.

I fucking knew it. I fucking knew it. This is not even an Orthodox bar mitzvah. It's a woman doing it. I know. Unallowed in my upbringing. It's terrible. That's wild.

Can we talk more about your upbringing later? The way the children, the not having care or your feelings about children is one. And then what's the other thing is about adulthood. So it's, it's just, and I give it up for kids a little bit. I understand small parts of them, but then the other side is like a life where you really just can't have if you, if you have like a wife and kids, like, can I give you a perfect example? Yeah.

That like, it just shows you kind of different thoughts. Yeah. You, I'm, I'm going to New York. Yeah. And you're like, why aren't you staying for like a few days? Yeah. Right. Right.

And it's the, it's the normal thought for a single guy that doesn't have a family. New York city. But like any guy with a family would be like, what are you talking about? Yeah. Why would I stay there for a few days? I actually lived most of my life to, you said it once where it's like, oh man, I wish I could do, I think once I moved to New York, like I wish I could do that. I'm like, why don't you, like I'm married.

Can't you go? And I was like, oh yeah. Yeah. I mean, I, I wish I could do it in the sense that it's like, I go, I wish I could fucking go parasailing tomorrow too. Right. Right. Right.

Like it's an enjoyable kind of like, well, that's cool. You get to, but I mean, I'm not going to do that. Yeah. You know what's funny when I think about Ellis, there's only a couple of real things. I, I don't like about having a kid. Like, and this is so stupid, but I don't like not sleeping as much as we used to or sleeping in that part of motherhood is the only thing that really bumps me out. That's probably number one.

I covered that in a special. Yeah. That tiredness that all you guys. That part sucks. But it's, I mean, then, then you wait against, you know, there's this thing called ambivalence where you're able to simultaneously have contradictory feelings. I learned about this in therapy. Yeah.

Not everything's black and white. Right. Most things are not. And most people are not black and white. We try to make everybody black and white. That guy sucks. Yeah. She's great.

But they also gave charity. Yeah. But they killed somebody. It's like, I know, but the charity still works. Of course. Yeah. Most people are complicated. It's great.

It's all great. But I also want to go to Fiji and that we're going to have to put off. Right. And that's something we could literally do tomorrow. And I'm, I'm granted. I'm not telling you how to parent your kid. Like, why don't you leave a bunch of food in a bowl and then just like, that's a good point.

Yeah. I'm going to throw up the sockets with those little, you know, those little covers. Done. All righty. Teaching resilience, self-sufficiency. Now you're upbringing. You are Orthodox Jews, we know. Now did your mom wear a wig?

Then like, is it that Orthodox? Yeah, man. Yeah. My sister wears a wig all the time. My mom would generally wear like a hat, except like high holidays. And then she wore a wig and I had, I think, I wonder if she had a wig anymore. Have you seen her natural? Like, are you allowed to?

Yeah. Yeah. Around the home, she's fine. And what? Was she blonde or something naturally? She's been dyeing her hair for so long. Like literally? Is that possible?

No. Yeah. I think she's blonde. Yeah. So crazy. Yeah. And your dad? What do you think?

I should take the 10, 10 p.m. flight or the 11, 15 p.m. flight? Oh, what time are you trying to get in? Well, that's the thing. They get in about an hour apart, either at 6.45 or 7.45. Can you check into your hotel? 6.45. The traffic. Where are you going to?

Oh, yeah. JFK. JFK. Yeah. 7.45. You can start traffic. Okay. Murder.

I don't know why there's no good subway system. I know why it's the cabs. The unions. They want to allow the subway to go all the way there. Anyway, let's talk about your childhood. Yeah. So do you think it's rooted in your, did you, did you hate your childhood? Is that what you want to do?

No, man. I loved it. I loved it. Seriously? Yeah. Childhood is the best. What are you talking about? Oh, almost.

Okay. Sorry. Oh, yeah. I didn't have a crazy mom. My mom was there. Wait a minute. Not trying to commit suicide in front of me. Yeah.

Yeah. I didn't want to be like that too, where I was afraid of, I didn't want a family. I didn't really think I would end up married a kid. Yeah. But now that I have it, I love it because I like the stability and the security. And that's with most people though, right? I don't know. Once they have kids, they're like, oh yeah, that is what I like.

Yeah. So how, what, like where, what was a defining moment for you where you're like, I know. I think, I think it's more reason where I was like, for a while I was like, of course I'll have kids. That's what you're supposed to do. Yeah. You're supposed to. 20 to like, and then I lost my religion.

And then it was like, and then I moved out here. 25. Can I ask you this? When you told me one time about, no, no, about stopping the religious thing. How long did you research that Baruch Hatter and I clip? Real quick. Okay. Go ahead.

Sorry. Was it a life old moment? What? What? What? That like abandoning religion. Was it like a one, like you're like, fuck this. It dates back to a, to a thing.

Yeah. It took me like a year to like ponder in my head until I realized like, oh. But you really did ponder for a while then. Yeah. Yeah. And what was the epiphany? That doesn't exist or that this particular system of religion is not. It was, I don't have a belief in it.

The, I first, I was agnostic or I was like, I don't know. It was, it was, it was, I was sleeping in a, in a dorm in the, a Shiva in Israel. And, um, we had a light bulb over the beds for reading. And, um, you could like twist it up. I remember this. I do. See, this is the story. Yeah.

Yeah. You could put a cup on top of it to drown out the light. So I was like, cool, I can sleep. But then the cup kept like sliding off because it's like circular frame to it. And it just kept sliding off. And I was like, maybe I'll just turn the light off. But my, my door was like, my window was like right by the entrance to the, to the dorm. So I'm like, people are going to see if I turn my light off.

And it's everyone's like religious Jewish. You can't do it on Friday night. Oh, sorry. So you weren't allowed to have a light off. Sorry. I skipped for the Sabbath. Yeah. You can leave it on all the whole time or you can turn it off the whole time.

Oh, but you can't go one or the other. Right. So drowning it out is okay. It's still on. You're not changing the spark. Uh, this is such a weird shit, but like, uh, yeah. It's such a weird distinction to make. Yeah.

Um, It's funny too, how many of those things are like tied to a practice and they become symbolic, but, but, but their actual origin is not simply like, No, it's not symbolic at all. Like I'm saying, but like with food eating, let's say, right? Yeah. Like people stay away, I don't know from certain foods, but the origin of that was like a practical thing.

You know what they would say. Like pork thing. Yeah. Like some, like some foods wouldn't, you know, hold well for certain amount of people to get sick. So they go, we don't eat that. And then years later, they don't get sick. That's our thing.

It's not eat that. Yeah. But why? Like you, that they become symbolic. I'm just eating. My rabbi has always said the reason we don't eat stuff is not cause of like tapeworm or anything. Yeah.

Just cause God said, Oh, well, nevermind. But that's probably if God was invented. That's probably what one of the things is. So, so wait. So we're in his epiphany though. I didn't get to hear. So the thing would stay on.

I kept thinking like, I'll just turn my light off. I just turned it off, which you're not allowed to do. But then I was like, I can get it caught. And then I thought about it later. Whereas like, who am I worried about getting caught by? Right. Man or God. Right.

And if I really believe in God, who didn't want me to do that, then I'm saying, wouldn't even be a question. You don't do that. Yeah. So I was like, why am I questioning it? And it finally came to like, I don't think I believe in God. I don't think it's in me. And then once I figured that out, I was like, I think I should stop.

I went to Taco Bell. He turned that light off, huh? Where were you? I was at the University of New York and like a Spanish Harlem 185th in Amsterdam. You went to Taco Bell. I went to Taco Bell. I barfed. Barfed.

Yeah. What did you order? What was the entourage? I don't know. 20 tacos for a fucking $1. Whatever it is. Barred. I don't know if it was because the shitty food are guilt.

I'm not really sure. We've been such big fans of Neil Hamburg. Yeah. I'm so glad you're bringing this up. I'll pull it up right now. Neil Hamburgers. Yeah. Is he starting a chain?

Neil Hamburg. That's a good idea. You know. So funny. His Twitter feed is great. Oh, really? I haven't seen it. So he does this semi-regularly.

I want to talk about this brown I had with you though. Let's not forget that. Let's not lose track of his story here either, but I have to just mention this. I love when you get so much stuff going on. You got to like backtrack back. I'm going to write it down. So he finds people's tweets about getting so much stuff going on. I'm going to write it down.

So he finds people's tweets about getting so much stuff going on. So he finds people's tweets about getting sick from Taco Bell. Oh, really? And there's a lot of them. Oh my God. It's constant. So like go ahead. Read it out loud, would you?

I want to talk about it. I want to talk about it last time. I had it almost time. The Taco Bell I work at got mice and bugs all over this damn place. This sick of a fuck. A nigga get food poisoning from Taco Bell cuz. I don't know if that means because or cousin. Okay.

That's cousin for sure. I made a presentation today. I'm back on a bacteria. It's food poisoning. I think I got food poisoning from Taco Bell. Ironic as fuck. Taco Bell gave me food poisoning. Oh, my friends are coming to talk about food poisoning.

Shout out to Taco Bell for the food poisoning. Congratulations. My boyfriend and I never eat a Wheeler's burnt Taco Bell. That's what food poisoning is. Endless. It's just endless. These are all made 24. These are all made 24.

Dude. And he does this every few months. Wow. These are all one day. It wasn't like I slept all night. I slept all night. I slept all night. I slept all night.

I slept all night. I slept all night. I slept all night. I slept all night. Wow. These are all one day. It wasn't like I slept over three years. No.

Wow. Taco Bell once you find a roach in my food, never went back. They also wrote shit. I'm mad Taco Bell. And McCart had a whole fat ass rat just chilling in the lobby. So the Taco Bell diarrhea thing is true. Here's what's going to go up a little bit. Taco Bell.

Three years ago we went to Las Lunas, New Mexico, Taco Bell, found a hare in our food. That's pulled me twice. Yeah. My friend got food and went to the hospital, went again the next day and got food poisoning again. Why don't you go back? I can't believe it. I can't believe it.

Taco Bell never fails to give me food poisoning. Your nasty ass food establishment gave me food poisoning. Taco Bell. Never again. Does he just search food? The words food poisoning on Taco Bell? I think he just has to search Taco Bell. I think so.

Yeah. Just do food poisoning three different times. Here's my creation. I done went, so I went to Taco Bell. And I done got food poisoning or some shit. Like, God, bro, really be shitting. Damn, creation, fan account. Oh, fan account.

I thought that was her. I almost, my heart. But isn't the amount of them astounding? Like that this many people are, this is countless. Well, I, you know, the meat is supposedly supposedly worse than prison grade. How about this blessed one here? I mean, Taco Bell again, that shit has a nigga sick.

Well, excess. I don't care for your choice of words, but your sentiment, I can come up with. Oh, damn. That's great. Yeah. I love when a good comment like that just centers on something. And then you ever see Colin Quinn's like tongue in cheek,

like super conservative tweets. Yeah. So funny. His Twitter account. Never, never lets in. I'm joking. Never. No, no, that would be like, yeah.

And it's part of you has to like really accept that, that there's going to be people out there that believe that you're serious. Yeah. I think there's that's a real struggle for like a lot of comics. But I think that he is so sure. Yes. That he fully goes for it. Also, if you don't fool a few people,

she's not quite sure. Exactly. Andy Kaufman, how to get people like get the fuck off stage. Or it'd be like. I like his, his, his stuff. Like there's just nothing like hearing laughter out there. It's the healing, the healing power of laughter. Like Colin tweets that kind of shit.

I love that. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's a smart move. The down. I don't know if we would have done that with Rogan. Let's see. Instead of covering him up.

Instead of covering your face. I don't know. I think that that might be true. I don't think it's made for that. Exactly. Your mom's not made for that. Hey dude. What are you doing?

I'm sorry. Your mom is made for holding up my mic stand. Thanks. Well, Anyway, I'm glad you're here because you and I, we share a common bond. Yeah.

That we both love to shit and shower. Yeah. Every time I mention it, people are like, oh Christina, I'm like, oh yeah, I guess we do have a bond. Kindred. We really are.

Yeah. We really are. We got this bidet toilet. It's the best. You go straight to the shower. You save money on toilet paper. First of all, that's beside the point,

but that is a definite thing. Second of all, it's the cleanest you can get. It's the cleanest, dude. No drawing. No drawing. Now what led you to shit to shower? I want to talk about your experience with it.

I believe the first time was kind of like my epiphany with Judaism, where it was just like, it just sort of happens, you know. I was, had no toilet paper. Oh. I looked under the sink.

Oh. I think I did. Yeah. I think it was in my old place on sunset. I looked under the sink. I was like, no. I don't know what to do. Huh.

And then it hit me. Straight to shower. Straight to shower. Now that's interesting, because necessity is the mother of invention. It is. Now with me, it was that I have what is known as the never ending wipe.

I get leaky butt, where I wipe, I wipe, I wipe, and the paper's always brown. And I found that the only way to stop the brown, is if I shower my butthole, then the brown stops coming down.

Do you get like greasy, greasy leak? Or just like, just like solid brown. No, no. It's like a mush, just like a, like a schmere. Oh yeah. Like I don't know,

I don't know what that is. Like a sun dried tomato cream cheese. Yeah. Come on. But anyway, we got this new toilet, this robot toilet that. Those are great.

It's a wash lead. It's a bidet in your turtlet. And you don't have to go into the shower physically. But because some of that's annoying, like I don't want to take my pants off. Yeah. To take a towel, this thing though,

this thing was amazing is, you have different water pressure options. Oh. Oscillating, pulsating options. What do you mean? Water temperature options. Yeah. Cold, warm, hot.

Yep. It's pretty amazing. So basically, you can, you're done. Yeah. You can have a nice stream to kind of start, kind of get your asshole attached to it.

Get used to it. Yeah. And then you can fucking gas it up and have a fire hose. Wow. And really get, get it going. Not only that,

but you can let that thing run for a minute. Put toilet paper back there. Nothing. Clean as a whistle. Yeah. And there's a dryer. Caparillo explained this to me once about wet, wet wiping.

As opposed to dry wiping. You know what though? I find that that's not effective. I don't think that's enough. What? Well, just in general, using water. Yeah.

Water is great. He said, he's, I was like, no, I just used toilet paper. JV. Was back there and he goes, oh no, you can't just use toilet paper. Yeah.

And he was like, look, and he took some, a little bit of Coca-Cola, put it on my table. Yeah. And now feel the table. I'm like, yeah, a little sticky. He goes, yeah, a little sticky.

Yeah. He's right. He needs some water. I didn't know that he was such an expert. Yeah. But I have further questions for Ari. I'm so fascinated. Sure.

Oh, I gotta tell you about Southeast Asia toilet. Oh, I can't. Okay. Wait, hold on. I'll save it. Save it. Wait, wait, I've been dying to talk to you about this for months.

Okay. So now when you do shit to shower in your world, do you do a cursory wipe, an exploratory wipe, or you literally dump your shit straight to shower without even a cursory wipe? Okay. I'm going to ask you of your opinion later.

What do you do? Okay. Occasionally I'll go nothing, but generally I'll do a cursory wipe because it's like, what if you drip on the way? Depends if I have a bath mat there. You have a, I don't want to ruin a bath mat.

Full dump. Full dump. Just stand up and go in the shower. Well, my first question, I can reach over from the toilet and turn the hot water on. Other places a little harder. But yeah, just go full. You have to watch all the shit run down the sink.

Like in psycho, remember in psycho when she's bleeding out and the drain blood? Yeah, you get that. You have to run down your leg, which is usually horrible, but it's not going to stick. Right.

It's your shower. What do you do? Okay. Now, because that to me is a little bold. This is so disgusting. Yeah, yeah. It's not at all, it's not at all the time thing for me.

And I do live with someone. So I try to be consider, I wouldn't put Dukie. He's not in the bathroom. Yeah, but he's going to shower there after me and I don't want shit in our shower necessarily. So I do an exploratory consideration wipe. Now, sometimes I have just known

like that wasn't a massive brown. There's not, there's nothing on my asshole. That was a clean break. It's fine. Wipegaze. All right. We have a stinger for this.

Wipegaze. Yeah. What's this noise? This is a, a ticket ticket. This is a journalist writing stories about Wipegaze. It's like seven feet. Okay.

But yeah, yeah, I'll only do that if I'm confident that there's no brown on my butthole. I will just go straight to shower if I'm confident and sometimes I am. You ever bleed out of my vagina? Yeah.

Oh, right. Yeah. That's normal. Yeah. Do you, are you still bleeding out of your asshole? Not through my whole trip in Southeast Asia. When I got back like the second day,

it was full blood again. No. Drippers. Really? Let's talk about this. What do you think? Wow. Do you think that,

I think it's an internal hemorrhoid. That blood's too dark. You see this in Asia? So far, yes. Oh, flute. I don't know what she, why is she bending her? That's not the way you play a flute.

I don't know. Look at the other people. Oh, oh. What? You did? Holy shit. Oh, it's out.

It's out. She's putting it. The other two seem shocked or or animated. Wow. Playing the flute with her vagine, guys. Could you do that? Could you push out air that way?

No. I've never been able to queef on command. No. This guy. He's loving it. She's like, what the f? That's a real talent though.

She's also playing a tune. She's not just blowing out anything. She's also hitting the keep. That's right. That's a real skill. Anything like that you've seen? Last time I went to Thailand like two years ago, we went to Pappong, the street in Thailand.

And these ladies, women. Is that Bangkok? Yeah, Bangkok. They gave you a rolled up piece of, well, first they give you a balloon. They're like, hold it above your head. And you're like, why? Oh boy.

And then they shoot darts out of the vaginas and pop your balloon. Wow. Then. You applaud for that. Oh yeah. It's not sexual at all. It's just talent.

It's not sexual. Then you roll up a piece of paper into a funnel, hold that over your head. What are you doing? And then they start peeling bananas. And you're like, no. And then they shoot bananas out and get it into the little cup you've made.

Impossible. What's the trick? What's the, there's got to be a circus trick there. Practice. You know. How do you get to Carnegie Hall? That can't be legit. No way, man.

You think that's real out of their, their mouse? I've seen it. I mean, I see it. They put it in there. You see them. Yeah. It pops out. Wow.

I don't have a vagina. I don't know. Wow. You have to be able to suck air in before you put the object in. Cause I've seen girls that can queef on command. I've had friends that can do it. Yeah.

And you lay on your back and you suck in the air. I had a roommate that did that with his asshole. Really? Yeah. You could shoot out stuff? No, no, no. Just the air thing. But like on, like he would just get on.

He could do it on all fours or lay on his back and just all day he'd go. Really? Yeah. Wow. What a talent. What a talent. What a superhero.

It was really cool. Yeah. I wonder if they have like a wrestling style school for that for shooting stuff out of your vagina where it's like, you're not ready yet, but I want to get my accreditation. Hey, so let's talk about the toilets in Asia. Okay. So they have these, if they're not squat toilets.

I hate those. Yeah. They're pretty bad. And I hear that it's better for you. Blah, blah, blah. Ching chong, ching chong. Yeah. Yeah.

I love how much we as comedians have removed ourselves from people actually hiring us, but we can just do stuff like that. I find it funny and I don't care. All right. No apology necessary to Lord Michaels. Yeah, exactly. It's somebody, it's an Asian person saying it. So.

Ching chong, ching chong. True. It's not an impression. Yeah. Ching chong, ching chong. Maybe she's just giving out directions. Who knows? So they have the squatters.

They have the squatters. I hate that. Yeah. A lot of times they have toilets and hustles and stuff. They have toilets, but they have these bum guns, which is just like, you know how in a sink you'll get like the thing you get to pull out. Yeah, we have that. Yeah.

But without the, what's it called, the spray. Yeah. So it's just a stream and you put that into your butt or towards your butt and you just spray it out. And then like you said, you get that one wipe and it's almost clean. Did you like that? Did you prefer that to your shit to shower? Yeah.

Yeah. You can't throw out, I got used to it. No shit showers the best, but you can't throw out your toilet paper in the toilet. Right. Cause they all step up to the toilet and it's trash can. That foul is shit. It smells horrible. Can I tell you?

It's the worst. One of my good friends is married to a woman from Mexico. Oh my God. And when her family came. They would throw stuff out in the trash can? Toilet paper. Like, but like I was on it. Used toilet paper.

Used toilet paper. And you guys don't have a bum gone. So like, uh-huh. Yeah. So there's big wads of shit. It's not like they're getting one last wipe. They're doing the whole thing there. And he was like, you've got to stop doing this.

And they just, it was so habitual. We're talking like they're 40 years of doing this. Yeah. Right. He had the type of signs. Like you can flush it. Wow. Yeah.

That's the opposite of that in those hospitals. Like, hey, I know what you're used to where you are, but you can't flush toilet paper here. Yeah. That's the question. Oh, hey, we had an email today. How do blind people know when to stop wiping? What are your thoughts on that?

Taste test? I assume. I mean, their sense of taste is higher than most people. Yeah. Yeah. Cause I really thought it was a thing where they, they eventually do a bare hand thing. And then they just go, oh, there's nothing there. Yeah.

Maybe, but they'd have to like, they couldn't go like halfway. I want, I wonder how close I am. Right. Right. Like you look at toilet paper when you're out, when you don't have a shower, you look at it, you're like, okay, I'm about halfway there. Yeah. Like three quarters of the way there.

Yeah. That's true. You don't just keep going until like this feels dry. Oh, I've been way done. Right. Right. Right. Maybe you, maybe you just smell the toilet paper.

Why do you have to smell your bare hand? Oh, that's a great, that's a great tweak. What you just did. Right. You just stepped it up a great much. Right. Right. What are you saying?

Cause I'm an observational person that you, why, why, why do they have to smell their bare hand? Like you said, why not smell the toilet paper? Oh, I see. That's a great idea. Because one of them told me this, what they do. Really? Oh, so I got this for you.

I'm going to park with a Ryan O'Neill and I mean, 10 minutes. You're aware? Griffith park somewhere. Just walking around. We're taking. Okay. And 10 minutes in, I was like, I didn't shit this morning. And I have to shit.

Dangerous. And he's like, really? I'm like, no, I'll hold it. I'll hold it. Three more minutes. Like I'm not holding it, man. I got to go. He's like, how are you going to wipe?

And I'm like, well, he had a full bottle of water. I'm like, what that, he was like, what do you, what, what do you mean? No, don't do this. And I was like, yeah, I have to. Did it have the sports top? No. So what I had is just kind of like one of these arrowhead bottle. And then I, I shit on a hill.

So it really squat shot, which I'm used to now. I've got experience. Did you get away from people? Yeah. I got out and down the hill a little bit. Got to a, got to like a big bush behind me. So people on the road, on the path ahead couldn't see. If you were way down and you looked up, you could for sure see a man squatting.

They thought it was homeless. I didn't have my shirt on. Yeah. Now let's talk about this squatting technique because I imagine what's problematic is that you might shit on your jeans. Absolutely. So how do you learn to lean backwards? There's also a pull your jeans forward.

Let me, uh, Yeah. Demonstrate. Yeah. Make sure to get this on. Yeah. Hold on. Oh God.

I don't know. I want to watch every, Don't pull your pants down. I mean, you're, you're underwear down. Yeah. I don't need to see that. You pretty much get the idea. Can we go around the corner there?

So you can see the hole. I can't. Go ahead. Okay. Sorry. He's got his pants down right now. He's got some mushroom box or shorts on and he's standing and show. Oh, I don't want to see you.

Dude. All right. Pulled his pants down his underwear down. Please put them back on for the love. We have dogs in here. Okay. So he's, he's showing. Bigger than you.

Um, Please don't play your pants down. Let's assume that. Okay. You're squatting. That would be right into the pants. He's squatting, but you're squatting straight. So everything's at a perfect angle.

Okay. So you're hanging. Your pants are now above. Okay. So you really, the key is that you really squat back a little bit. Yeah. You squat. You squat full squat back.

You see my balls, right, Tom? Oh God. The touching the toilet is a real issue. I have big, long balls. So that's an issue. But I was on a hill in Griffith Park. No big deal. Now, when you were doing that at Griffith Park,

what about the weeds in the brush touching your dick and your balls and your butthole and all that? Some dried leaves definitely touched. Yeah. Didn't care for it. So you're saying it's all about the lean. Like what you kind of did the way you were squatting is how I've seen like Chinese guys smoking in Chinatown.

Yeah, they're used to it. They always sit like that. Yeah. The squat. Hurts my knees after a while. Full back squat. What's up with, um, Dan, your balls are so big.

So big. So then I poured water in my hands immediately as it's wet, took it to the butt and kind of wiped. Oh, you did it with your hands? Yeah. And then I got more water, wipe, more water, wipe.

Didn't dig in with nails. Didn't want to stick my nails. No. And then I was forced by Ryan to wipe my hands in dirt afterwards. And then you washed your hands later. I'm hoping. Yeah. How much, like, do you get a lot of ball attention when you're

with like, are they like, oh, these are great balls? Like, is it a big thing? A couple of times. Yeah. I've had a couple of girls go like, man, I love these balls. Really? But like twice. Now, are you really into your own balls then?

Like, is that a big, like, if you're making your list, or you're like, definitely like, play with my balls. I think comedically they're good weapons. Yeah. How saggy they are. Yeah. I mean, if they were nice, tight ones, it wouldn't be as funny. But they're very low.

But is it really a turn on saying, like, if, if you were like, if a woman was like, what, what do you like? We're about to have sex. Would you be like, definitely play with my balls? No, no, no. Okay. So it's not like your thing. I don't mind it.

It's kind of nice actually, but it's not like, I need that. It's not you need it. No, not at all. You? I like it, but I mean, it's not like, I wouldn't be like, if you don't play with my balls, we had a problem. It's a deal breaker. Yeah.

How big were Ari's balls? They just look low. Why not look at all? It looks like there was like six balls. The left one had a lot lower. Six balls? Yeah. It looked like a, a half matted pizza dough kind of thing.

And there was just like. Are they real hairy? Didn't look too hairy. Just scraggly hair. A glimpse. Kind of like a teenager's beard. Yeah. Just an occasional hair there.

Do you do a lot of trimming or no? Nothing. Really? Zip. I gotta do a lot of that. Really? Oh yeah. Why?

You're Argentinian, right? No, no, no. Argentinian. What are you? Get the fuck away. I'm a Peruvian. Peruvian. Yeah.

And I, you know, whatever. But it's a lot. I don't know. It's a lot of hair. I'm not like, oh, actually I have one of my friends. Do you like him bald on there? Not bald. I like a good cleanup.

I, I think that it's important to at least be a little hygienic. Yeah. I don't like so much hair that it's annoying it too much. Yeah. You can't get away from you, you know. You can't get away from you. It stops growing at some point though. Yeah, it does.

But sometimes I look down there and I'm like, whoof. Yeah. I just need, I mean, I just need like a haircut. You don't want a tuft. Yeah, no. That's gross. And then it's too velcro-y when it's too long. Sometimes it looks like the head's just like peeking out of the woods, you know.

Like my dick just heard something like, what's going on out there? Like Groundhog's Day, you know, another few, another few weeks of winter. So your polyps, is that what you have? Polyps. Is that in your butthole? You said you have hemorrhoids, internal hemorrhoids, and external hemorrhoids. And can you do something to stop them from breathing? Oh no.

He said I could have surgery and he says it's not worth it. Okay. He's like, it might not work and it's just like invasive. Have you ever seen Jew clam? Excuse me? Oh, you got a show? I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. Not right now. I can't do it. Doesn't sound good. Really? It's so bad. I saw it in person. I was like.

Were you there when it happened? I was in a cap city. I was in cap city. Yeah. Oh, I'll try to read. We put that video out to promote my special. You know, I saw it and I remember that I pulled. I was so traumatized that I pulled Brian aside and said, what?

I was like, he needs a hospital. I'd never seen anything like that. I know it's crazy. I've had that since I was 16 and that isn't a problem. Like that shouldn't be surgery. Yeah. I asked it like whatever. Is that just that you bleed a lot?

No. My it's like, I mean, you really got to see it. I don't need to. I can. We already have to blur one puffed up episode. Yeah. It's so crazy. Like.

His basically his ever seen like a chimps ass. Yeah. How it's like bubbles. It's like all big and like a prolapse. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

I've seen a prolapse. Collapsed vagina. That happened to him and it's on camera. Oh, geez. I saw him turn it when I saw it. I was like, I literally. I had never seen anything like this. I saw this swollen.

Yikes. Sticking out of him like peach bread asshole. And it looked like a growth. It looked like it wasn't like your real asshole. I've been trying to push out a shit for like the last like three, four straight minutes. And I thought that's what it was. That shit was halfway out of my butt.

So I was trying to show you. You saw it. Like you knew what that was. What it looked like. Oh no. I thought there was a piece of shit coming out of my butt. And I was trying to show you that. Be the most disgusting.

I mean, when you saw it on yourself, weren't you a little like, oh my God, like, yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Like it's a little scary, right? It's a little scary to see. Yeah.

Yeah. But I was like, I can see him shit has been there for a while. Did you wipe that? That didn't feel good. Yeah. To wipe it. Yeah. It's fine.

It's pretty tough. And then it just kind of goes back in. Goes back in. Yeah. You want to see it? All right. I mean, we've already. Is it on?

Not on YouTube. I think like live leak or something. Okay. I don't know if I uncensored. Uncensored. You clam. Wow. It's still like that.

Sorry. Yeah. I can show you right now. No. No. That's okay. Bubby. Yeah.

That's a terrible thing to live. I got it. I got a bleached on punch drug last week. Oh, I saw that on the. I saw that. Yeah. Same triplies thing. How'd that go?

Did it hurt? No. A little warm, little, little like heat on it. But. Did you get to see it before and after shot? Like so you could see. Well, I've seen it before after it just seemed like the parts that he didn't bleach were just darker.

It didn't look like it was lighter. That's so funny that people are doing that. Is that real? I mean, if you're a porn star, I get it. But otherwise in civilian life, why would you need to have your asshole? I mean, let's say you got into an accident and you badly burned inside your asshole. It's aesthetics guys. Yeah.

It's so dumb. It won't play. I'm just like, I'm trying to play it and. Is it on live leak? Yeah. It says, you know, so I go hit play. I'm hitting play right now. The following video can see it's horrific nudity.

He must be over there. Just won't play. It's weird. I wonder if this other one will play. Oh, here's a Reddit link to it. Maybe this will play. Maybe that. This is fun.

It's our pizza dish. Yeah. I'm thinking of getting one of those bidet things. Dude, Amazon. You don't have to, you don't have to like get in the shower. Dude, I haven't shit to shower. I only do it in hotels now. Well, yeah, they don't.

Now I feel like a diminished degraded human when I have to shit on a toilet that doesn't have a bidet. I feel like it's, I feel like trash. Too used to it. Oh, it's going to change your life. It's called the Toto Washlet 350E. Washlet. Washlet.

Washlet? I don't know. Why are you saying it like that? Is it Tom? Is it washlet or washlet? Washlet. Oh, I thought it was French. Maybe like two T's and an E and washlet.

Yeah, maybe. Washlet. I don't know. Yeah, it could be. I don't fucking know. But it'll really change your whole shit game. Yeah, I might do that. Especially if you have blood and stuff down there, you shouldn't really.

McCourt McCown has one. So now when you do that. Yeah. Then does it stop with a continuous wiping? Yeah. It's good. Cleans it up. Wow.

The water is what I need to stop the leaky butt. Wow. I don't know why my butt leaks. Have you ever, before you got that, did you ever wipe, say, okay, I think I'm good. Then go out and go, oh, I think I'm, I think I got to go back to wipe. That's how I've discovered my leaky butt problem. Wow. Yeah.

Yeah. And then like hours later, I'll be like, oh my God, what, why is there brown there? These, these summer days, by the way. Oh no. Man. Summer. Oh yeah. I mean, I'm hairy.

Yeah. Like sometimes I'll be like, I have like blood itches. And I'll just go sit down with paper. Yeah. See if there's something there. And you just like see so much brown. Just like sweat. And you're, you're.

Dude, if you walk around New York City, it's the same way. Just hot. Just hot. Wait, are you going back soon? Yeah, I'm going back on, I'm going back on Saturday for Skankfest. Oh, you are? Okay. Yeah.

So I'll be gone. Yeah. I'm going to be there like a couple of weeks. Just hanging out if you want to come. Are you really? Yeah. I'm just going to stay. Indefinitely.

No. Hey, can we see what's up with Daniac? Daniac. What was that? Yeah. She's a lady. She's got a following on, on YouTube. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. You know, I just been thinking about her. Yeah. Well, she does this thing where like she starts basically all of her, or a lot of her videos like this. She goes, Hey, what? Hitler.

Yeah. She. She vlogs to Hitler. How old is that one? Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah. She's just addressing all her stuff to Hitler.

Yeah. Is an alive Hitler or is it a back then Hitler? I think she thinks he's alive. It's a good distinction. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. The historical Hitler or the Hitler of today.

Yeah. And is she giving him like blog type advice or is she like admonishing you for some of the stuff he's done? Or is she just like, how are you doing? She's like, I need some help. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah.

It's a cry for her. Wow. Yeah. Hey, Hitler. Hit me, Danny. I just want to tell you that, uh, Daniel, look at me. Daniel Lewis is basically harassing my Danny eggs and he's harassing me. He's a threatening to actually.

Is that the Jonas Brothers behind her? Yes. Danny egg and rape her. What? Why? Why? Why? Why?

Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

He put a local behavior called PQ to me. He's been suspended in my account like 1000 of times because he's overly jealous. She's real. A thousand of times. He basically is obsessed with me and he doesn't know anything about me. Right. She's in no rush to get to her point. No.

The guy. No way. Hitler's got all the time in the world. Any. Any way. He's watching YouTube. He loves YouTube. Hitler.

I know, but you know what. He's in Patagonia. I just want to tell you. Watch his YouTube all day. I just do enough. All right. Can we see the update? Yeah.

The update. Wow. 37,000 views. That's not bad. Yeah. That's thanks to us. We've been talking to her. Has she said anything to you guys?

No. Not directly. No. Would she be upset you had a Jew on your podcast? I don't think she'd be a real. Probably. Does she say anything? Anti-Semitic or?

I think she. I don't remember. I don't remember. Honestly. Was it her that had an anti? A thousand of times. It's me, Danny. I just want to let you know the people in San Antonio, the ones that just called me my

ex. They basically are chained up on the Scampi boat, which I've already unchained them. That's not the one. I know. I thought that was the one. No, the title is. All right. Right.

On a Scampi boat? Yeah. Shrimp Scampi? That's right. I really need your help on saving them. Sure. I'm tired, though. Well, Hitler has to do it.

Yeah. Oh, the salt on the boat, but untied. Yeah. What's Hitler going to do there that she hasn't already done? She's a hero. Yeah. There's a lot. This is the one I'm talking about.

I mean, why aren't you? My Danny acts on a Shrimp Scampi boat and getting turned into, like, La Guanga. Yeah. Where's she from this day? We don't. Hey, it's me, Danny. I always like that. Biscuits.

I just want to let you know there are at least two my Danny. Oh, all right. Stop with the coffin. Shrimp Scampi. Hey, it's me, Danny. I just want to let you know there are at least two my Danny acts, or at least a few my Danny acts that are on the Shrimp Scampi boat. That's what I'm talking about.

They are getting turned into lasagna. Lasagna. I need your help getting a rescue boat over there. Shrimp Lasagna? Yeah. And they really need your help getting rescued. So could you at least please send a rescue boat over there? Well, I won't hand it over.

That way they could be saved. I really appreciate it, babe. Babe? Bye. Babe, don't hit the baby. She calls Hitler. She says Hitler. She's saying Hitler baby for Christmas, and she sings Happy Birthday to Hitler.

And other people too. Hitler did have access to submarines. Right. I mean, it's not out of the realm of like... Happy birthday to Nicholas. To what? Happy birthday to Nicholas. Oh, Nicholas.

No. No. Nigger lips? I don't know. Lips? What's the video called? Happy birthday? Yeah.

Happy birthday. Yeah. Nigger lips? Yeah. I don't know if she's saying that, but she's saying stuff. Oh, a shrimp scampi boat problem. The only way you can actually get rid of demons is to actually say Happy Easter Bye.

Okay? Oh, man. That would have... That would have made all those demon movies way lame-er. Yeah. The thing I was looking for was... Do you remember one of her OG ones was about shitting somewhere? In the round?

Yeah. In the round? Well... She... And that's hard to find. Yeah. We could be looking all day for that. I know.

But she had a great one about what she was going to do to this guy when she... She was going to shit in his mouth and not around it. She like specified where she was going. Really? Yeah, yeah. You know, Hitler could only get hard if you shit on his chest. That is not true. People talk about that like he had a small dick and then he had a...

Yeah. That's what I always heard when I was growing up. He was late in homosexual and all this stuff. I was growing up around people who didn't like Hitler. Why did they? What was their problem? I think they were just not fans of the EU. Yeah.

Oh, you always do? Yeah, sorry. We should do Would You Rather with Erie. Would you rather? Yeah, like the historical one. The big one. Oh, okay. Well...

There's a couple I got. I just think it would be fun to play with them. Yeah. Would you rather only lasagna for the rest of your life? Yeah. Or never be able to eat anything with meat. No, one meal a day is how to be lasagna for the rest of your life. Or no meat for the rest of your life.

Drink the top layer. How many of them did she ask for? It's time to play... That coefficient chicken. It's time to play... Oh, that's terrible. Yeah. It's not even toilet paper.

You're anything too dirty homeless, man. It's time to play... Quite my butt with your mucus. Homeless jar of beer. I've been of sex with your sister. Take it in the face. The grandmother walks in on masturbating. Never have another orgasm.

It's time to lose. It's time to play with you rather. I like lasagna though. I want to hear my options again. It's either lasagna, one meal a day for the rest of your life. Every day. Every day you must eat lasagna. What kind?

Is it meat and veggies? Your choice. Your choice. Okay. But you can't eat anything else. You can't have a little piece of lasagna and a salad. It's just lasagna for a meal. One meal a day.

Yeah. Two pieces, three pieces. But for the rest of your life... You get other meals? Yeah, that could just be lunch. Okay. But you don't get to have another thing later. You have to eat it.

You have to fill up on it. Okay. That's a feed the full meal. Or you're a vegetarian. But you're saying no fish as a vegetarian. Yeah, no fish. So no protein. You basically have to be a vegan.

You may have eggs. See, I have to have that protein. I feel weird when I don't have protein. Yeah. I'm going to have to go with the lasagna once a day. Wow. Because I like lasagna. I feel like I could do that.

And you don't feel like you'll be betraying lasagna by eventually hating it? What? No. Okay. No. What do you say, Tommy Jeans? I have to do this right now. I'm sorry.

Okay. Ari, what do you choose? I didn't really think of what I said it. I do love meat but lasagna every day. Because you know when you make a lasagna, you end up eating it for three or four days. By day four, you're just over it. So what was the other option besides the lasagna?

Be a vegetarian. Be a vegetarian. But no fish. You can only have eggs. You can have eggs. I know. Well, I think I'd have to do lasagna every day. Every single day.

I know it's so sick. But what if you just ate a tiny square? No, no, not allowed. It's got to be. You've got to have your real meal. You've got to have it serving. Nothing allowed. Not allowed.

Not allowed. But here's the thing. The variety provided to you in the other meals, I think would counter it. Yeah. Plus I feel weak when I don't eat meats. I like meats. What if you had your lasagna for lunch?

Get out of the way and you go to a dinner party. Like we got lasagna today. Yeah. You would kill someone. Yeah. Wait, what would you choose? I think I'd be a vegetarian. Okay.

I think I would get real sick of lasagna and I'd start to go crazy. That's true. But what could you have different lasagnas like with a bechamel sauce one day? Or does that have to be the standard tomato, garfield? The way I pictured it was the same exact recipe lasagna.

Like when you said you make a thing of lasagna, keep eating it. Imagine like a 50 mile long one. Man, it's always lasagna for dinner. You can have either fresh or heated up. That's the only variety you get. I put shaky cheese on it one day. The next day, no shaky.

I try to vary it. I think I would have to do that just to be, be able to have whatever I want. For the second and the third meal. I agree. I agree. Okay. Sorry.

Go ahead. This is probably one of our most favorite. Would you rather is on the show? Very popular. It would you rather be retarded? Hold on. I'll stop you there. I would love to.

I mean, unless you're going to give me another positive or be a millionaire that I don't know, but like I would love really lack of responsibility. You must feel would be so worth it. You really get to throw in the towel. I mean, Hey, oh, who's going to do that? Sure.

Well, for sure, not me, right? Cause I'm retarded. So for sure it's on me. I mean, you guys can decide who's doing it, but I'm out of this. Can I just go P corner? What if they make you have a job? Like you have to go.

I saw a class. Remember that commercial when you were little? I thought that don't throw me away. Do you remember that one? Yeah. We played it on the show. Yeah. You have to go work at the grocery store.

The bag groceries, push carts, stuff like that. When you get a retarded guy bagging your groceries, the part of you feel like I'm part of the solution. Yeah. I like it. I've said this before. This is one of my favorite things. I love doing this to people.

I did this to my mother. We were at a grocery store and they had a retarded guy bagging the groceries. And he was at this grocery store. They walk you to the car too. So they walk you to the car and they load it in. Yeah. And so he did, he did all that. There's no conversation.

And then as we're getting in the car turn around, I go, someone was different about that guy, right? She got so upset. She's like, he's retarded. She also doesn't know like any other PC things to say. And she's like, I go, no. No, he wasn't. And she goes, don't be pleased.

And I go, he's fine. But he was like off. And he's clearly touched. Yeah. And she's just like, just upset. And also when I see like somebody walking, like, like, you know, you know, it's a fuck with her. No.

Yeah. Like with them, with my parents, I'll be like, this guy's drunk. And it's about cerebral palsy or still like, and she'll be like, but they don't like, they don't go, they don't get that I'm saying that as a joke. Cause I do it seriously. And then they'll be like, that guy's severely disabled. Like he's, he's fucked.

Oh, I love it. And I'm like, no, he's drunk. You can tell. I did that. My friends like, oh, look at this. And they turn it's like some 80 year old fucking asshole. Cause you're expecting to see somebody super hot. You know, I like what Tom does is when he sees a pregnant woman,

he'll be like, what's wrong with her stomach? I'm drinking beers. I've posted that on Instagram before. And it's almost like that Colin Quinn thing we were talking about. You get some people going. People are like, she's pregnant. And I'm like, no. Dude, I posted with Adam West.

Yeah. I was, I had this contract with my fans. I was so, a celebrity dies as soon as possible. I will shit on him. As soon as they die, as soon as I hear about it, I will try to come with a funny tweet shitting on them. Yeah. Not respecting their death.

Yeah. So for Adam West, cause they didn't really have any problems at all with Adam West. I was like, um, Adam with fuck my grandmother tore apart my fat. My father's family. I saw that. Yeah. I'll never forgive him. Yeah.

Motion cash was like, is that real? I just didn't respond. You fucking idiot. No. He didn't fuck my soft. So are my family. Yeah. But on the real though, I mean, I want you to be real.

This is a serious game. Sorry. Sorry. Would you rather be retarded or let your grandfather jerk you off on a Ferris wheel? But, but you get, you get a funnel cake. I thought you got to choose the Ferris wheel. You got a fair of funnel cake. Yeah.

Right. So it's not a bad day. And all he does is like, he, he jerks you off on, no one finds out. Yeah. You get an awesome fresh funnel cake. Yes. Go ahead. Does the funnel cake come before or after the jerk off on the Ferris wheel?

After. So it's like you're done. Right. You're crying. So it does make you feel better. Right. Take your ice cream after you. Yeah.

He goes like, this is our thing. Like don't tell anybody. Here's a funnel cake. Here's a funnel cake. Yeah. I feel like the experience of having the funnel cake with, with papa would be sort of tainted from the jerk off. It is.

It is. But you, here's the thing. It's no consolation. Or it'd be a nice moment with my, with my, with my papa or my Saba. But then afterwards it'd be like nothing to wash down that bad feeling. Yeah. Is Saba like a Jew thing? Yeah.

It's been screaming, father. Okay. It is a tough one. See. Yeah. You think you know. I can imagine my Saba going, I survived the Holocaust for this. Fulfill it.

Would you rather from Christina? But okay. So, but you're either retarded your whole life or you do one bad incident on the Ferris wheel, but there's funnel cake. I approve Jews. Yeah. And you got to consider that you might be, get way into it and then want to have that happen over and over again.

That's a possibility. That is not just a one-time thing. Sure. I don't, I don't jerk off to anime porn for that reason. Why is that? What if I, I don't want to go down that road. Right. You know, and then be like, start jerking off the cartoons.

It's too dark a road. Is that what you're saying? Yeah. Yeah. I think I would go with my, I mean, is it now or is he still alive? They're both dead. Yeah. We're assuming they're still alive.

He's alive. Yeah, yeah. I'm not digging up his corpse. But he's old. And he's like, all right, let's go on this Ferris wheel. Well, this is an interesting distinction Ari's making because if it happens to you in your formative years and your youth, it could do long lasting damage. If it happens at what age?

Are we talking your child and this happens? Are you an adolescent or are you 40 something year old? So if you're an adolescent, if you're, if you're 17, you're going to come quick. Sure. But now, I mean, she's going to be jerking me off for a while. Like, I'd never go to the guy running like, hey, run that back. Run that back. We got to go another round on the Ferris wheel.

Right. So, well, that's an interesting. Oh, these fucking hands. I hope there's a lube. Is there a lube? Or is it just that rough? No, no, no. Grandpa hand.

Rough. Yeah. Rough. Rough. Rough. Now I think here's a. Lovely. So you know what I'm going to do with this one because I hadn't considered the age.

I don't want to scurry you emotionally too much. So I'm not going to do it to a child. From now on. I'm going to go with 40 something year old. He's now. You're an adult. And your grandfather is like a couple of years before he dies. Right.

So he's old. His hands are all decrepit. But also I get to have had 40 years of non-retarded life and it didn't go back and become always retarded. I get to. So you'll be born retarded. Special comes out. Like if my son retarded in interviews talking about it.

So why did you choose to do a double special? I like TV. Interesting. And then they're like, what's going on with you right now? You're like, I played with you rather. I know the married couple there sort of thinking funny with the now. Yeah. And I didn't want to come in my granddad's.

I don't want my grandpa touching me. If he had to live the rest of his life retarded, that'll be really crazy. Oh, wait. Is it not the rest of your life? Well, that's what I thought. I had assumed that you'd be born. We'd go back in time and you're born retarded. But we got to make choices.

Right. But I thought you'd become retarded. It's all right now. So that's why I think it might be funnier if from now on. I think it's better that way. It's better. So let's let's do it from that. Yeah.

From now on, you're retarded from now on. And that'd be hard too, because I've gotten late and then the amount of game I would not have. But then unless you become the retarded comedian now, my intellect wouldn't be there to write the bits. But here's the other thing. You can hire. You're getting.

Do you start getting sympathy? Tale. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, you do. Because you still look the same way. People will remember you before you walk into a bar and then they're like, Hey, I saw you on Netflix or in Comedy Central. You would get a bunch of women who would like were already looked to me like whatever, like,

but not enough. Yeah. And then they're like, Oh, wow, I've had a thing for a Tardor people. Yeah. Also, he was a funny comic once. This will be good. Right. You give a whole new life.

And also your sex game would be to take a big dive. You would never think about pleasing somebody else. No. But you got to also think I have retarded strength. Yeah. So and a retarded libido. Don't forget they are very sexually. They jerk off constantly because they don't know like you're not supposed to do this.

Like, why would you not do it? It feels so good. You guys should try it. We got. We got hate mail about that. Really? She said that. And some someone wrote in like, I work with in special and she's like, they don't all

jerk off all day. You fucking idiot. That's because you've done a good job. They were so mad. They were pretty upset. We're going to get some mail on this. Oh, you think? Yeah.

But it's so worth it. The hate mail is never like, Oh, just so you know, some of them do that, but generally it's like five, 10 percent. You're off a little bit. Yeah. Fuck you as fuck. Yeah. Yeah.

It's really. All right. It's a good decision. But go ahead. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Let's walk us through the logic. I want to hear. Yeah. Tell us your decision and then tell us why you chose that. Yeah. I think I would go with my grandfather jerking me off. Wow. I just don't want to be retarded, man.

I just don't want to be retarded and I fucked some gross people before. Yeah. This would be way more damaging, but I wasn't that close with with Papa or or Saba. How long do you think it would take you to finish? It would take a while. One time I tried to jerk off in front of two guys in the La Jolla comedy store, the condo. I tried to work it up like real hard in the other room and then come out and like jizz in front of them.

Oh my God. And yeah. When I came out, I realized how ridiculous it was. It I was about to come and then it was like, oh, no, you got a five more minutes now. I need to go back. You stayed there. Were you too nervous? Was it the pressure of performance?

It was just like ridiculous and funny. Were they laughing? Were they? One was laughing. One was in horror. I think I'd choose the latter. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm going to go grandfather jerking me off. Wow. Yeah. It would be rough. It would take a while. It would definitely damage me. Oh man.

It would definitely damage me. So that's the thing is that it's going to affect the rest of your life. You would have a definitely a new outlook. I have a new relationship with my parents. I'd have trouble looking at them. Yeah. Yeah. Especially telling them.

Like you have to tell them one day. You know what your, you know what your dad did to me? Yeah. Yeah. This game should really be called would you least rather? Yeah. Of course. Yeah.

Of course. Yeah. Of course. Yeah. It's it almost implies a positive. This kind of leads us into one of the classic would you rather? Yeah. And I know you're not obviously Christian, but like the biggest celebratory day in your

house would probably be like growing up would be. Passover. Celebration. Oh, you mean like Jewish? Yeah. Important holiday. Passover is more like a family thing. Yeah.

Hanukkah. Hanukkah. What's your family there though? But everyone's together. Passover. Passover. Passover. So it's Passover.

Yeah. So it's Passover. Everybody gets together. Oh my God. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I apologize. Are you embarrassed?

Oh my God. That was really fucking not cool. If you're going to edit that, you can leave the dick in, but edit that out. Oh my God. You guys are so disgusting. So if you guys have your, you know, you sacrifice your baby. You do your thing. No, no.

The non-Jewish babies died. Right. Okay. You kill a dog. You guys do your drink. Drink the blood. Say your prayer. You know, there is one drop of Jewish non-Jewish baby blood in the matzah recipe.

That's your virtue. One drop. Don't talk. It's not a whole baby. We for sure we killed the babies and threw them out, but like only one drop is necessary. You're way off base. Okay. I don't know all the things, but you do your coin flip.

Everyone sits there and then at the end, right? Is there like a big toast and everything too? Yeah. Four glasses of wine. Okay. And then you say to your family, you go, guys, I got to show you something and you, everybody goes from the dining room to the living room. Yeah.

I can picture that. I can already picture that. So everybody's like, oh, cool. And they're like, what is it? Did you, did you shoot a new show? What are you going to show us? And you go, just sit here and watch this and you put it in a DVD and they're all like waiting in anticipation.

Your mommy, your Grammy. And what, by the way, sister, do you say happy Passover? Like what do you guys say? Happy Passover. Happy Pesach. Pesach. Yeah. That's the, uh, or, or a good yontuf.

Good yontuf. Yeah. Okay. So that's for all holidays. So they're all sitting in front of the TV. You press play. You're on screen and 10 homeless guys are standing around you and they, hold on, hold on, let me internalize this first.

This isn't how it goes. Yeah. This is one of the options. Of course. It's a video of both though. No, no. It's one or the other. Otherwise, go ahead.

Oh, sorry. You're right. You're right. And then getting divorced over it. Oh, we just split up because it could be ladies. You're right. Okay. Okay.

Okay. So let's say it's 10 homeless. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. But they're homeless. Yeah. And they all masturbate to completion.

Yeah. On you. And pee on you. And they're squirting on you. Yeah. Because it could be like squirting. And they're like, they're all really loud about it. It's really uncomfortable.

Oh, man. And my family's watching. Yes. Wait. Yes. Everybody's there. Everybody's there. The last one ends.

You turn to camera and you say, uh... Happy Pesach. Yeah. Happy Pesach. Like that. And then it cuts to black. You turn back and you're like, what do you guys think? It's either that or when you put the DVD and you press play, it's just you alone looking

the camera and you masturbate to completion and you say, happy Pesach. Happy Pesach. Yeah. It's either you doing the thing or having the thing done to you that's shameful. I mean, there's so many different people in the family. Yeah. So when my mom and dad were most disappointed with me versus like, I could explain to the nephews if we were just masturbating, my sisters could be like, okay, you're gonna

have to learn this eventually. Yeah. What Ari was doing was called masturbation. You'll do it when you get a little older. Yeah. But do we have to take the... Can we take the children out of the room? I think the children don't need to be privy.

I'm going to take the kids out of the room. I mean, no one needs to be privy. Well, let's change it to just adults. I don't think it's fair to put kids in that room. Okay. So I'm picturing me when I was growing up, maybe when I'm like 22. No one has kids yet. As being...

Right. No one has kids yet. Correct. Everyone's grown up. Correct. It's just adults only is what we've changed it to, Tom. Children shouldn't watch the video. Okay.

But it's your mom, it's your dad, it's your grandma, grandpa. Everyone's there. Brothers, sisters. Brothers, sisters. Yeah, there's no children. Okay, that's fine. Okay. Can I say a problem with this?

Go ahead. You can't use a DVD player on Yantos. So it would be... Okay, here we go. As soon as I'm like, I got to put this in DVD and they'd be like, what are you talking about? No, I have the caveat. Here it is.

It's a live performance. Guys, here's 10 of my friends. They're all going to do this with me versus... All right, guys. And actually the way I... Hey, guys, come to the backyard. And then I'll wait there. Actually, originally the way I like this one is to send out a company-wide email.

Guys, come to my desk at 12.30 and everyone shows up, your boss. And then you're like... And then you... That's a good way to... ...masterbate. That's a good way to quit your job. Yeah, nice to be quit. But...

What would you guys do with grandfather or retarded? I'd rather be retarded. No, I'd rather grandfather, 100%. Wow. Yeah. No, I've lived a great life. I've had all but my son shit, grandfather. I have to raise my kid.

But I feel like it would... Now that I think about it, talking about it with you, it would take so long. So long. I would have to go somewhere. So intensely on it, you know? Yeah. You'd have to block it out so hard. It's a really big thing about sexual stuff.

Yeah. And if you at all pop open it, or if you get that smell of Bengay, damn it. And every time he's like... Oh, God. Cleaning his throat and he's like... And it wouldn't be good at it. It's not like he's a fucking pro. He has to lick his hand the way he does when he turns pages.

Yeah. And then if you're having trouble, he'd be like, you want to do your balls? You're like, oh, fuck, man. Yes. Yes, I do. I need help. You want to sit in my lap like old times? Yeah.

You want me to do your balls? Yeah. Christ. Do your balls. Man, do your balls. Come on, grandpa. Come on, Ari. So what's it going to be?

You want a funnel cake? Yeah. So jerk off in front of my family. Or have 10 girls kind of boot cocky you. I mean, originally it was 10 homeless men, but I feel like we adapt it for male. But they're really being... I'm picturing men and women homeless. That's in my head.

And they're being... It's gross, dude. Yeah, they're homeless. It doesn't smell. Yeah. This is such a horrible... That's what it sounds like. Shit.

It's a homeless man. Oh, my gosh. Oh, man. Oh, man. This is in front of your family. Oh. Like in the backyard. Let's pass over.

I mean, are they just going to watch her? Yeah. They're like, hey, get off. No, you're just watching. No, no. Everyone's just watching. You're just like shocked and like standing there. Yes.

Yeah. So you're really thinking about the conversation afterwards. Yeah. Let's talk us through your thinking. Okay. You're thinking about afterwards how to deal with it. You're also thinking about if no one was there, which I rather... Like, I don't want to have homeless people jizzing on me.

Like, it's not just about the reaction. It's also like this is happening. Right. But... Interesting point. Interesting point. But can you masturbate in front of your family? That's another thing.

Looking into your mother's eyes, looking at your sisters, looking at your dad. Right, right, right. Oh, yeah. But I mean, like, the homeless people jizzing on you and squirting on you, that could be a... Would you rather if the family's not even involved? Because it's not even a good thing. Yeah.

But the family adds a nice layer. Oh, no, for sure. I'm saying it's a bad thing. The situation without my family is no big deal. Without your family? But with your family, it adds a whole other level. That's why it's such an important would you rather. This is a seminal one, if you will.

I think... I think I know. But I'm... Okay, my thinking is... I think... Thank you. I could sort of throw it off to them as like... I was forced to do this.

I wasn't the one doing it. That's right. Now, that's the logic. If I was masturbating... That's right. Though it's a more normal thing. Like, obviously, you know intellectually that I do this when you're not around. Right.

And now the... Oh, man. See, it's a shame displacement. It's either the shaming is done to you or you're responsible for your shame. So that's, I think, psychologically very provocative. I think I might have just switched. As I'm talking through, I might have just switched. Yeah.

I was going to go get just done. Right. But I think maybe now I'm masturbating, but then again, the conversation afterwards. They'd be like, no, you were doing that, are you? You were masturbating. Why did you do it? It's passive. We asked you to stop.

We were saying, hey, please stop. The other way, it's like we asked the homeless people to please stop. Yeah, and they did it. All right, get away from them, but I'm on the ground. Yeah. And they have... And they take the responsibility of what's happening. Right.

We made him do this. Yeah. Oh, they forced me. Right. I may... I lost the board. This is a really on the line one. The goal is whenever you do it, would you rather not have people go, oh yeah.

Right. Of course. It's the essence of it. It's the dilemma. The good one, yeah. I think the getting masturbated on. You prefer that one. I don't prefer.

I don't like using that word. It's your preference. It's what you find enjoyable. I think that, but there would be that conversation of like, all right, he masturbated. Why'd you do that in front of us? But this like too, what are you into? But that's all. That's an interesting layer.

What has become of our son? So that's interesting. The shame of what are your sexual preferences? Ari, are you into... this is what Ari's into. Yeah. Versus we don't know what Ari's into, but he's masturbating in front of us. I masturbated in their house while they were there. Countless times.

When I was an Orthodox Jew. Countless times. Were you supposed to not do that? Oh, for sure not. There's no religion in the world that I know of except... No. Even that. That allows it.

Will you ever bring stuff like that up in that era? Would you be like, I want to masturbate? Or would they talk to you about stuff like that? No. No. Even sex ed was... How hardcore are your folks? Orthodox Jewish.

They are. Yeah. They have gotten to the point where if we're out, my dad's like, if you want to get a burger, you can get a burger. Oh, really? But that took a lot. How are they with your success? They like my success.

They don't like the way I've achieved it. Like when I took my dick out on HBO, my mom's like, why do you have to tell people to watch? You're going to be on TV. Ari, why? I'm like, mommy, you shouldn't watch this stuff. It's exactly not for you. Do they watch the special? Oh, yeah.

They will. Oh, geez. They got Comedy Central before. They got cable just so they could watch me. Really? Yeah, they're proud of me. I asked my aunt once. I was doing some joke about herpes at the DC improv.

Yeah. And they were there. And then they left right afterwards. And I was like, how did they feel about that? She goes, I think they just assumed you were joking about the setup and this payoff. Oh, then it's all made up. Yeah. That's good.

You were joking about having it, though? Not having it. Fucking... Excuse me. Making love to a woman. Sorry, Christina. Making love to a woman who had herpes. It's amazing how many people, well, they're like, and so you just made that whole thing

up, right? Like, what? No, I just chose the funniest way to say it. The amazing one to me is when people think you made up a super detailed story, like a story. Yeah. Like people get there like, so you made, like I had a story about meeting Mike Tyson and they're like...

You made all that up? What? You made that up. You'd be really creative if you could do that. I mean, you kind of want to be like, yeah, I think I'm creative, but like, you think I made up all the beats of like our converse, like... Then why would I make that up? But I guess if you don't do it, then you just assume...

I don't know. Don't let them see behind the curtain, guys. Come on. I know. But it's just weird that like you just... Oh, it's like when it's a heckler. Is that a plant? You're like...

No. I was like... Yeah. Yeah. Now, did your mom do the thing where she, when she gets her period, she goes to the water, the jacuzzi? The mikva. Yeah, I like that a lot.

My mom hasn't gotten her period since before Obama, for sure. Probably... I don't like that idea of the mikva. What is it? 40 oz of natural water, that's a measurement of natural water. You need... Okay, after you have your period, you need seven clean days, so no spotting, no nothing. Count one, two...

Like popcorn when it pops, and you're like three seconds, you go one, two, pop. Okay, start again. One, two, three, pop. One, two, you know. What? So you get seven clean days. No spotting. Everything you get spot starts over.

When you get seven clean days in you, you go to the mikva, ritual bath, you can also use a lake or ocean, because it's got plenty of water in there, natural water, but not like a pool. It's got to be like a natural... It's got to be rain water coming in. I always think about whenever I hear these things, I got... It's crazy, right? No, just the amount of effort.

Just effort. I guess we're all... Well, let me tell you this, in terms of like what you said, like practicality. So period, let's say three, five days, then seven clean days, now you're at day 12. Yeah, so you're going to ovulate soon, that's the point. On the next day, you go to the mikva, 13, and now you haven't fucked your husband in 13, 14 days. That's why they do it.

And you're at your most fertile. Yeah, it's great. It's actually a way of making sure you have babies, more juice. And it's nice. It also keeps you like... Yeah, I think also like just relationship-wise, you've always got no road, so it's like when you're apart from each other, when you come back, you're like, oh, I can't wait to see you again.

Yeah, that's true. Versus you've seen a lot of couples. I'm going to do that, mikva. You should. I do. I like what the juice do. You guys got some good shit. Yeah.

Do you practice anything? Symbolically anymore? Like, do you do anything besides masturbating in front of your family? Some of the foods, I still get off on because I grew up with it. But if I'm home, I'll sing their songs with them, you know, that just sounds really at this point. But do they... Is everybody...

Here's the other thing. How are they as far as... Have they accepted your partner? They've accepted it, but my dad once in a while says, if you want to come to shoulder tomorrow, come with. I'm like, no. I feel bad last time I went home. So you say the grace after meals, there's this...

If you have three or more men above 13, there's an extra prayer, you say. And one person says that, and everyone, like, joins in. So you say, like, it's in Hebrew, but you say, like, let's it all out for giving us food. And then I was like, yeah, for real. That's all right, though. And then he's like, thanks for all these people here. I was like, too, totally.

Yeah. It's just a back and forth a little bit. Yeah. My dad's like, you want to leave this one? And I was like, oh, no, I don't... I don't remember this. And he's like, no, you read another book. And I was like, I don't know.

My mom's like, do it. I'm like, ah, no. But then as soon as I didn't, I was like, what the fuck is wrong with me? Yeah, just... I'm not converting. I could have done it. Yeah. If I was at a Buddhist thing and they said, can you read this thing, I would have done

it. Yeah. So it's like... But that's because it's family and... True traditions. But I mean, like... I feel bad about it. Yeah, I understand that.

Can we get back to the fucking question at hand? Yeah. He hasn't chosen. Sorry. It's so hard. Just think now. I don't... I've had somebody... somebody really mulled this over.

All these homies guys are around here. It's like, it's the before and it's the during. It's the after. I mean, the after and the during. They explain it to them. It's like, of course they master it. They're like, why'd you do that? How are you...

Why? Now, his masturbation... So taboo. Yes, it is for your house. It's not a normal thing. It's not a natural occurrence, meaning that's the double thing of you having orthodox parents. Yeah. Is that, you know, that's off the table, discussion-wise.

Yeah. I've had like white trash parents. You're doing that outside. You know? Right. What's your choice? What is it? This should be easy.

What is it? I... I think it's the... the homeless people. Yeah. Yeah. Do you guys do that? Yes. No, I think I chose the other one. I chose doing it myself.

He's got good parents. I could tell them afterwards at the homeless people, like, I wasn't into that. Right, right, right. Right. No, I understood. I mean, I... I got it. I just... I... So it's...

I rejected all the other come. No, I... I displace the shame. I prefer to put the shame on the other people. What if I got... I'm not a... Classic one. Not me doing it. Not me.

It's them. This is the OG, would you rather? Yes. Wow. It's great when you come across a good one. You're like, I got to remember this for next time. Oh, this one is like from... Yeah.

This is like a six or seven-year-old one. Yeah. Now, I have one for you. For me? Yeah. You could do this too, Eric. Good. Okay, Tommy, would you rather...

Would you rather have your mouth smell like beefs? Or our dog, our blonde dog. It does... It smells like seafood. It smells like a fish. I'll lick the other one. I didn't lick it for you. Oh, you don't want to lick it?

No. It smells bad. It's like a halibut fucking community. It's horrible. Yeah. Okay. So would you have either your mouth smells like beefs or my mouth smells like beefs? Yours.

Why? What? Really? Yeah. But then you have to live with me and I'll have a garbage mouth. Yeah, I know. I just kiss other parts. You know?

Yeah, but that would be a marriage rumor. In terms of like her feelings, the woman you love, like this will be easier for you. Right. But easier for me. To have your mouth smell like... You don't have to smell his horrible mouth. Yeah, but he's going to have a bad smelling mouth anyways because dad's get dad mouth. You're going to have dad mouth and like when you're 50, right?

Don't dad's mouth smell like shit anyway. You smell like a weird thing. Yeah. It smells like the deodorant they've been putting on for five years. And they look like older guys' mouths that look like they're just decomposing. You look at their mouth, you look like a fucking... It's like a corpse already. Yeah. See, I feel like it'd be...

You're going to get it anyways. I think we would get to the point where I'd be like, you know how your mouth is. So you would be like, hey, can I get a kiss? I'd be like, come on your cheek, you know? I'd kiss you over there. But beef's mouth smells horrendous. It does. You wouldn't be able to sleep next to me like I couldn't sleep with my head next to your

head on the pillow. Oh, no, no, no. You're going to have to have several bedrooms. Yeah. I would just be like, face the other way. You know, you face your wall. Yeah. I would have you smell like beef's mouth.

I would have the mask. Why? You both chose the same. Yeah. Yeah, the other person has it. Because you could go around your fucking day. Yeah. I can have my life.

I want your life to be my life. Because I would be talking to people and you could... I mean, if they had like my dog... If I had my dog's breath, I know people would be like, poof. Yeah. Jesus, man. Do you want a mint? There's no mint strong enough. You wouldn't be able to do anything.

It would just smell like beef mint. Oh. I have a serious one for you guys. Okay. Serious, would you rather? Oh, no. Would you rather never do stand up ever again or split up? Oh.

God. God. Because I mean, a lot of people don't know. Comedians, this is who we are at the core. Split up, but just did divorce, but we can still see each other. Like split up, meaning... No, you're done. On paper.

You're nice to each other. Yeah. Maybe fuck once a year. We're done. Split the custody. Oh. We can't ruin our kid's life. How's things going with you?

Yeah. Like when you drop them off? The kid's fine. You see, both the parents, you guys are both amicable. I mean, that would suck, but I'd have to... I want our family to be together. Oh, it's fine. I don't want my kid to grow up the way I did.

It's terrible. It's fine. It's fine. It doesn't seem that bad. No, it's not good. Oh, yeah. Split up, but... Babe.

Why? Well, here's the thing. You make a good living doing stand-up. You would really have to find another... I mean, the podcast is great too, but that would really ruin your livelihood and our livelihood. So we split up. And I like jewelry.

You know what I'm saying? We are split up. I like getting massages and stuff. Is that white diamonds? Of course. I got it for yesterday. Really? It's for my birthday.

My birthday. How'd you get me anything? I didn't know when your birthday was. It's February. It's coming. No one cares about February. Where do you want to go in this fucking... February what?

Trip. Oh, yeah. The bet. The bet. Yeah. I heard... I have to pee. You guys talk about your trip while I piss.

It was a nice ring though. Thank you. Thank you. My husband loves me. Thank you. It's mine. I bought it. Thank you.

It's hers now. It's mine. Yeah. Beautiful. Christina, there's taste in jewelry. It's amazing. What the fuck, man? So I talked to Bart.

Yeah. Cristler. Yeah. And... The... The... Cristler. Yeah.

So what is your opinion on his weight gain? His... Man, I don't know. Is he was trying to spin the thing? Because even when he took a shirt off for that thing and weighed himself as non-obese, he still looked obese as fuck. You mean at the actual weight? Yeah.

January 3rd, I guess that's when it was. That's the day I left. You saw him... You saw him with me a few days ago. Yeah. What do you think he looked like? You think he looked... Well, he didn't look like a fucking workout guy.

Right. But he said... He definitely cut weight for the weigh-in. Right. Well, we both cut water. Yeah. And then there's... You put the water back on.

Yeah. And you... His belly... His face doesn't look much different than he did way before. Yeah. His belly is just so gross. And like we were talking, we saw in the back. Yeah.

He's pushed out where it's a hard... If he lost weight, you should have that fold over thing a little bit. Yeah. A little bit. Right. Do you feel like... Because he was saying... I mean, I'd like to get him back on a scale.

Maybe I will during... Is he going to Skankfest? I don't know where he's going. He's on the road a lot. Yeah. If you were to describe... Like he said that he was really upset... At what?

That people were saying he gained the weight back. Yeah. Well, what he's upset about is that he gained the weight back. Right. I don't know. Maybe. And I was like... Well, you know, he goes,

I haven't... Really haven't... No. Here's what he said. Yeah. I haven't... Yeah. It's a lot.

Really? And I go, And he goes, I heard you say it. I heard you say it. He did tell me. He was like, It's fucking Tom.

He's starting up again. That I gained the weight back. Yeah. And people have been tweeting him. Really? Yeah. Like, why did you get fat again? Let's get him on a scale again.

Yeah. But I don't know. You saw him and at least for our audience... It's tough for me to tell a difference between 220 and 240. Yeah. You know, he's a tall guy. You wouldn't understand that. But he's a tall guy.

He's over six feet tall, well over six feet tall. Well over. Well into the six feet. I think he's just under six feet. You're just under six feet. But he's well over six feet. Such a liar. I can't believe.

I can't believe after asking for the fucking measurement. When you were well over an inch shorter than you said you were. There was no... I said I was six feet. You said you were six one. I didn't say six one. You always said six one. He said six one.

He said he was six one. Which turned out to be... Also not true? Yes. So then they had to do new BMIs. Yes. But you guys both named it anyway. That being said.

He is fat again. Sorry. Is he? He's obese again. Yeah. How do you know? How do we know Bert's obese? We don't know.

We don't know. We just look at him. I mean he's not doing anything that he's supposed to be doing to lose the weight. But he managed it before. I don't know how he did it before. It's like those people who only cram for tests and still managed to get A's. Yeah. You're like this isn't the way it's going to work.

You're like but he does. His version is it's the Mickey Mantle Jean. The Mickey Mantle Jean. You know what I thought was really funny about that bet was the phrasing of it where you go. What was it? It was... He goes just get out of obesity.

Just get out of obesity. That's all you ever do. Just don't be obese. Be overweight. Be overweight. Yeah. Just don't be medically obese. And by the way, the lack of faith in either of us was also hilarious.

He was like I don't think anyone can do it. I don't think you can both do it. No way. Yeah. And it's like if you really did have a good workout. Yeah. For sure. But I didn't think either one of you could.

Oh my God. Can I ask you one thing? It's so dumb. And it's like such a minor dumb question but I've been thinking about it. There was a time during their weigh-ins where Joe called you and you were abroad and he kept calling you and calling you and like you... No. No.

I was out with the comedians in New York. We're out eating Truscorio. I left the next day. Why did you not just answer the phone like you kept answering and then you'd hang up on it? Oh. Because of this. Because I have this new feature on my phone that just if I move slightly it'll just answer

in my pocket. Oh. This whole time I'm like why would I do that? I couldn't understand why you would do that to somebody. It was so weird. Yeah. It was the day before I left was the first weigh-in and I waited until I guess midway through that second podcast that's why I left.

So weird. Yeah. That's all it was. And then when I finally saw it I was like oh what? I was kind of drunk with the guys. Okay. And I'm like what a jerk. Why don't you just pick up the phone?

And he just hit me with it too. He was like let me show you the weigh-ins. Here's the numbers. Like wait, wait. What do they have to beat? What do they have to beat? Slow down. Slow down.

When you got word that we were basically whatever at it or near it were you like fuck. Like did you think? A little bit. Also fun but also like I'm all about competition. Yeah. So I'm like I want the exact measurement. Yeah. Yeah.

It's just like they easily did it. I'm like man because slow down. Slow down. Yeah. We do have the we have we trust you. You got it by by the way after your new weight your new height. Yeah. Of five something.

Unbelievable. Unbelievable this guy. Yeah. You were 0.15 of an inch above obese. If you were 0.15, 0.15 if you were if you were 511.7 instead of 511.85 you would be about obese. Yeah. So for the next day it's like hey man if you get into a pound back I win the bet.

So I'm just all I'm saying like let me see the fucking competition. Oh my gosh. Ridiculous. I have never shirked on a goddamn single bed in my life. So what are we going to do though? What should we do? Let's do something. August on man I'm free.

I have a pretty busy fall. That's my whole. Let me ask you a question. What? What about in November me and and Burt will be in New Orleans to go on that Joker's cruise will be launching from there. Yeah. So maybe something is November football season a Saints game.

It is. Who do you like? It'll be fun. Nobody really. You know what would be really fun. We have to put it off obviously a little bit. Yeah. Would be in probably end of January.

Yeah. I don't even know where it is. I think it's probably the National Championship game. That'd be fun to go to basketball. No. What are we called football? Well, college football. Yeah.

That'd be good. You're a huge college football fan. Yeah. Okay. It's always on a Monday. Oh right. That's that's great. Yeah.

Okay. Let's do it. We could do that. Who's your team? FSU. They have no chance next year or they do. No, I mean, they would be there. They're going to be a preseason top 10.

Yeah. So there's a chance. Yeah. There's a chance. But either way, but they also open the season against Alabama. That'd be the show. They'll get there. They'll get a pretty good.

They jump up if they win that and they stop it. Oh, they win that. Yeah. They'll be in the conversation. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That'd be good.

I didn't, I liked the idea of going to Barcelona. I'll be honest with you. That was rooted in truth. Yeah. I also knew how retarded it kind of was. But then when it was like actually, like when we were like, Hey, let's do it. I was like, that'll be super fun. Super fun.

Yeah. I thought it would be me together. I thought that'd be fun. Yeah. In Barcelona. Barcelona. That'd be fun. Because they were playing.

And the games ended up being like crazy good games. Oh, really? One of them was. I think one of them, well, there was a big shocker because I guess they had multiple. You mean like. You know. Yeah. Two in the pink, one on the stink.

Yeah. So there was one big upset where I think Paris beat Barcelona when no one was expecting on the first one. And I think there was a game after that where Barcelona went crazy. Messi played for Barcelona? He does. Yeah. Wow.

Yeah. That would have been fun. It would have been fun, man. But anyways, By the way, I had my plan set up because you're like, oh, I fly first class. And I'm like, you know what? It is your flight. That's fine.

And I was already how to set like your flying first class and Bert and I are in the back. So by the way, I know they would have harassed me the entire flight. Who would have. Bert. Oh yeah. He would have been like, what are you doing? This guy. Send stuff forward.

He definitely would have. He definitely would have. He would have to be told. You can't be up here. And he would have been so upset to be in coach. So upset. And plus the middle seat. I was going to get him.

Oh God. It's the worst. Yeah. We have to do it. We'll have to do it. National championship game would be pretty interesting. Yeah. Yeah.

Absolutely. Okay. Is that soccer? Yeah. Jesus Christ. Now definitely split up. That would be a cool one. For sure.

And then I could finally stop getting comments on only fucking everything I post. They call me a welter. Yeah. It's an upcoming game. It will be played in Atlanta. Atlanta. Yep. January 8th.

Hey, can we go to the vortex and get the peanut butter banana burger? Absolutely. And it's a new stadium. Like a new state of the art. Oh really? Multi-billion dollar stadium. Yeah. Fuck yeah.

So that could be fun. Okay. When is it? January 31st? January 8th. January 8th. Yeah. Is that cold?

That seems way early. No, no, no. That's right. It gets cold. It gets cold, but not that cold. Not that cold. It'll be fine to go to. Well, it's wearing jackets.

Yeah. You guys want to go? Want to do that? Yeah. That could be a thing. Yeah. Let's do it. I'll not schedule anything ahead of time now.

All right. Because we'll probably go for like the weekend. You got to go for a couple of days. Yeah, yeah. You don't want to just land and go to this championship game. But yeah, we'll go for it. Even if we go Sunday and then stay Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. Something.

Yeah. Too bad it's there because we could like go fishing or something. Whatever. We can figure out so much to do. Okay. That'll be great. Okay. Great.

I hope I kill myself before that. So I don't have to actually pay it off. So cheap. Unbelievable. I might have to get two seats for Burt if he keeps going at this rate. That's totally true. He's so enormous. Is he though?

I wonder if it's just that, you know, we always see him shirtless. We never see him. That was my theory. By the way, when that is true, when he told me, he goes, when he said, like everyone's saying, I get on his way back, I go, dude, every place you go, you don't have a shirt on. Most people, not even like, forget obese, like the average person shirtless isn't, it isn't like, wow, you look great.

You know, or can I tell you, maybe a retort to that? Yeah. I take my shirt off constantly. Yeah. Around Manhattan or anywhere I see son. I'm just shirts off. Sure. Sun's out concept.

You know? Yeah. And when I have my shirt off, especially after I got back, people like, oh man, you're so thin. Do you lose weight? Right. And with him, they're saying that you gain weight. It's just because the baseline product isn't good.

Right. Right. Oh, right. So like, oh, like, no, same way as before. Like, oh, okay. I guess you're just saying. No, I will say this. I will say this.

If I walked around all the time shirtless, it's not going to be compliments, man. No, it's not going to be like shredded. Yeah. No one's going to, but like most people have the sense minus him. I wonder how much you weigh that. I want to get a scale. What would your guess be if you had a guess right now? I don't know, 290, 295.

I don't think it's three. Even I know that's really heavy for a man. She's like, is that's got to be off by like 10 pounds. I don't know. Man. It's got to be like 278, 280. You think so? Is that real?

For real? Even if you get the weight back, he's not above 240. Yeah. Yeah. But he weighed in, I think 220. Yeah. No, 222. And you weigh 219.

Well, the, the final day I was 216 and he was 220, I think. Yeah. Yeah. I would have loved if you. And then we did the BMI and Rogan would have to go, oh, fuck. The booze thing. The booze. The boozing.

Yeah. That's really hard to lose weight and drink. Whenever I see a woman, especially in the comedy scene, and suddenly it's like when I haven't seen them in six months and it's like, hey, you look great. Like what are you doing? It's 90% of time. Stop drinking. Stop drinking.

Absolutely. That's the one thing. You can't, you can't do both, man. You can't lose weight and have. I was, I was gaining weight when I was traveling for the first like about month and I was like, I'm getting pudgier. This doesn't make any sense. I'm eating like no processed foods.

I'm, I'm, I'm active as fuck. Yeah. And then my friend was like, it's Chang Wei drinking beers. Beer too. Yeah. And beer is really. Yeah. And they had these like 20 ounces for like a dollar.

He is a psycho though, where he will go. Like, you know, still if you, if you go on his like Instagram, it's like every night he's like at the bar with 40 people. Yeah. And then the next day he goes and he runs. He does. Yeah. Oh, so he negates the damage.

He does that self-regulating thing where he's like, I had a very busy night. I drank over four in the morning. You're running all over. Five miles. Yeah. He does. Great. You can't emphasize your liver though.

Yeah. Yeah. Now, I'm going to miss him two years from now. Oh God. He was so great. Yeah. He's a good guy. He's got at least another.

We should have a living memorial for him. Oh my God. A living funeral. Those things so we can really feel his friends come out. You know what we should have? We should do it. Before his heart attack. What?

Terrible. But book him for a show. Do you want to do this show? And then when he shows up, just have like the big photo. You know what I mean? With flowers. Yeah. The flowers underneath it.

Oh, that would be great. And have people just say some words. Music playing, yeah. It's an intervention. Is that it? Yeah. He'd be like, you know, this is real fucking bummer. He'd be so upset.

Yeah, for us too, man. It's not fun. We're going to miss you. Yeah. It's too real though. It's too close to reality. Did you ever have like a horrible office corporate job? Yeah.

Yeah. Attempt to the health network. Do you guys ever do like cool law firm stuff, getting to know each other? No. Look at the people barely clapping. Oh man. So horrible. My name is Chelsea.

Yeah. I love the Illini. Yeah. I'm in blue. Yeah. I'm in Alonah. Oh, yeah. Shabuya.

Yeah. Shabuya. So everybody's doing this. Wow. Shabuya girls, by the way. Yeah. Well, a guy wrote in that he had, he had to do one of these and he wrote in that he was like, my name is Kevin.

Yeah. And I killed a man. What? And he said the whole thing stopped because he was in Afghanistan. Yeah. But his like, the first thing that came to mind was I killed a man. Because it's big for him. Well, but like everyone stopped and they were like, um, what?

Shabuya. Broke through the ice. Yeah. Somebody sent a Shabuya. A new one of these in. Oh, no. What is Shabuya? I don't know.

It's fucking dumb white people. Shit. I hope he doesn't flip and man's on his head. Follow me. You imagine having to do this. Fucking blow my brains out. We are, we are Walmart. We are, we are Walmart.

Oh my God. I mean, and then it's like, then he like says, we are, we are. We are, we are Walmart. You're mad, you're a girl from the new white world. You're going to be a cashier someday. You got to find all your face. You love this place. Moving those cars all over the place.

We are, we are Walmart. Jeans. You're going to be a cashier one day. Wow. Thanks for the fucking endorsement. And full dad outfit, by the way. We've got the jeans, tucked in, tucked in t-shirt. And the Denver shoes, those Denver rugged sneaks.

Oh. See people wearing. Really good look. A thousand. Yeah. I'm wearing with my dad all the time. What did Danny X say? A thousand of, of something?

Oh yeah. A thousand of. Yeah. Oh right. I blocked that out. I had jeans on. Look at this dork here with his white sneakers and dad jeans. Do you think the one next to that guy, to his right, see that girl?

Yeah, no. Yeah, that one. No, the girl. That's a lady. Yeah. Do you think she's like the office like slut? Yeah. She's a hot girl.

A couple of people hooked up with her and it's a drama. Oh yeah. There's always one. This is so awful. Look at his, look how, oh my gosh. One verse. I don't know myself. He was so, I think he used to go, we, and then you just hear.

That's what I would want to do. He did manage to make a verse that's, that held the. It did. The cadence and everything. Yeah. Yeah. Can I share some? You know, it's a, you know, it's a bummer.

This one. This is another marketing song. That is from a, like a convention, corporate convention. I'm showing you things you like. This is something to love your voice. She's got a great voice. Yeah. It gets better, listen.

Let's have some fun. Let's show the world how this gets done. Let's get social. Social. With social media. Let's get social. Social. Social.

With social media. Wow. My cat. My cat. My kids. Some bacon. Yeah, you got it. Social.

Social. That guy does not have those singing chops. He wrote it. Oh, really? Yeah. He's the old Julie or Millie Vanilly. Social. Yeah.

Jesus. Now the bummer I was going to say about that Walmart one. Yeah. It's like, look, you take a job at Walmart, at least I would, for the chill factor. Like there's no, not a lot of heavy responsibility. You clock in, you clock out. You don't have, no one's fucking watching you. And then to have to suffer through that corporate nonsense.

It takes the whole fun out of working there in the first place. I would love to that point. I would love to see the end of that video when he's like, woo. Hey man, I quit. Yeah. Put your name tag down and walk out. Just the guy that goes like, I don't want to sing these fucking songs. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Like it sucks enough to work here. Splice that up. Yeah. With that song over his like, dude, I don't want to do this, Ronnie. I'm your manager. You don't, you do what I want.

No. He did like a really enthusiastic thing. I'm going to be a cashier one day. All right. He would also better in terms of like letting you know, because it should have been, if it was the real song, this should be like two more verses. Yes. So he let you know with the hand up that this song is over.

He did a way better job than the groundlings do. Yeah. Ending something. That's true. He knew there was a, there was a time limit. Yeah. Yeah. We can spread the world and grow our reach and find our fans in their news feed.

Let's get social. Social. Yeah. Why does that go together? That was really good. Thank you. Thank you very much. That is a two of them later.

Thank you so much. Social. Why would he not know? He does not sound good on that. Yeah. Social. Not very. Jesus.

I used to work at a company called world link that sold airtime for infomercials. It was really bad nine to five. And I remember they used to just have us come in and on quarterly meetings and then they would go over the earnings and then we'd have to clap at the earnings. And you'd be like, yeah, but I'm making $5 an hour. Wait. I'm clapping for the fucking CEO. That's 68 million in profit.

Yeah. That's awesome, man. That's awesome. But that was, but they didn't have these demeaning Shibuya's and such. Yeah. Shibuya. We had icebreakers, but that was like in like dorm jobs. Oh, right.

Social. I hate situations where they go, where it's like, go around the room and say your name and say something interesting about yourself. You had that in post-production. Like where you get the whole posting together and like go around, you'd be like, Tom, post-coordinator. Hi. And they're like, look, what's your favorite thing? It's really just unduly punishes the introverts.

I had, yeah, I took an active class in college and we had to go around doing the same thing. You split up into twos and then do something interesting about yourself. Where are you from? And then you reported the other person. So I was like, to the person, the woman who was interviewing me, I was like, I don't want to say, I'm just going to make something up. She's like, yeah, sure, whatever. So I said that I wanted the prices right and I bid $1 and then there was still one guy

to go and he bid $2 and he ended up winning. And there were two football players in the class. Yeah. It was an easy A. And so the lady said, the interview me was like, okay, Ari is once on the price is right and he bid $1 and then the guy after bid $2 and one and the football player was like, man, that's bullshit. You know what I was trying to do?

You know what I was trying to do? Oh my God. I was like, well, I mean, it's fake, but the rules would, you shouldn't be doing $1 with the still people left to go. Yeah. Wow. He was so worked up for me. Black guy?

Yeah. Yeah. Sounded something. Something. Something. Something. Something to. Oh yeah.

Hey Hitler. Hey. Black guy in my acting class. He's got something lips. So do you remember Kaper, the guy that did your mom's house song? I don't know. We got a lot of songs, but he did it like, like an actual real song about. He did another one, but he shot like a video.

Oh my God. Let's see it. So this is, it's all about social. Social. Kaper's 32. I'm going back to your mom's house. I want to give a shout out to the main mommies. They do a scribe on it.

www.thousandrants.com. Your mom's house podcast.com. It's like your mom's house. Amazon banner and shop. It's your normal people. I'm going to your mom's house. Go back to your mom's house. I'm going back to your mom's house.

I'm going back to your mom's house. I'm going to your mom's house. That's great. Yeah. He does all the, all the lingo. What's your name? What's your pronoun? I'm just asking.

It's not sexual. I'm just glass. And I'm trying to eat god damn it. They call me duck tape. Pulling by non-binary pub play. On the crack. Like you don't want shit on your finger. Duck tape.

Far in. Use the bathroom at your mom's. Had to hold my nuts. I thought I had to take a shit. But I'm only fucked. Hold up. I got some to say. Hey.

I really would. It's just like the guys. Hey, Gene. Show me how those big tits fall. I'm running shit like my Bristol stool chart on seven. Diamonds on the crevice of you. Pussy over your denim. I met your mama.

Dem CO. When the handicaps saw this. What she asked me if I had any. Come on my bar. I'm going to your mom's house. Go back to your mom's house. I'm going back to your mom's house. I'm going back to your mom's house.

I'm going to your mom's house. My mom's house. She's laughing the whole time. I like that. Yeah. It's hilarious. I'm going back to your mom's house. You can see me.

Rocking the bottle of Fiji. Your mom's house. Wow, that's a new one. Believe me. I'll call you from the party. Pull bin. Talking shit. We'll listen to mommy music.

Cool stuff. Slick stuff. My spring water natural, like redouble. D coughs. No one's saying feel me. Know what I mean. My dad, gonna tuck in the waist. Bander my gene.

Eastern block girl's had the better love life. I got a bad bite. She never honor. Come strike. We fuck like a modern day. Bobby and Trish. Oh, shit. A couple of triple D sluts from dancing.

Want to know my pronouns. I said, I got a question. Want to ask. Would you rather be retired or get jerked by your grandpa? There you go. Wow. Your mom's home back to your mom's house. Going back to your mom's house.

Going back to your mom's house. This is amazing. It's great. I'm going to your mom's house. Going back to your mom's house. Going back to your mom's house. Going back to your mom's house. The whistles.

I love that. Blow the whistle. Caper. That was amazing. That was amazing. That was so great. He did the ad reads ahead of time. He did like the Amazon link and fuck it.

What you doing? He wrote us a note. Taking a shit home. I wrote a little song, made a video. Hope you like it. Had a blast recording, filming, writing, editing it. I hope it makes it on the show. I left the third verse open for the mommy rappers to wrap on.

I love the podcast. Let me know if you have any questions. Keep those jeans high and tight. Thanks for the last bird is fat again. Wow. That's the new mantra bird is fat again. That's going to be the next meme. Thank you so much, Caper.

That was amazing. Can we make his last name fat again? Yeah. Bird fat again. Bird fat again. That's great. Hey Ari, I have a question for you. You know how when you go to fart, but you shit.

And it's called a chart. But what about when you go to take a shit and you only fart? What's that called? Not a fit. A fit. That's a good one. We haven't heard that one. Is it a what?

A fump. A fart dump. Yeah. A fump. Has that happened to you guys a lot? It's happened. Do you want to have, there's new submissions this week. Oh, I want to hear them.

Because there were some submissions. Oh, I like to imposter or chart. By the way, somebody, this is a new one. Are you ready for this? Someone said, if you feel a ship, but only fart, you had yourself a fit. Someone says that. Oh my God. That's Trey.

Perfect. Someone says it's Dijinpu. We call it a McConaughey due to failure to launch. Oh, okay. Wow. Failure to launch. I like that. And this one's great.

Jagro tri-aria. Wow. That's my favorite. That's really good. I think it's tri-aria. It's been two weeks of submissions. Tri-aria is great. Tri-aria.

Yeah. I like imposter, charlatan and tri-aria. Yeah. Imposter is really funny. God damn. Water bowl. A little water bowl for. A little.

You got to get yourself a dog. I really want to. It's like, how am I going to do when I go on the road? No, no, no. Oh, you, you leave. You don't, don't send them to a canal. I have a guy on the east side. Do you live?

Oh, but you're in New York exclusively now. Yeah. There's people that you can take them to. It's normal. Yeah. We'll talk. Fartmistress concept for you. Oh.

Remember, because you're going to do. So here's the thing we were talking about is that I should be, I should have been doing fart videos when we were poor in 2008. Like I easily could have done it. And I was thinking of fart. Fart videos. Yeah. Fartmistress.com.

Oh, like fart. Like porn videos. No, you just fart. It's not necessarily porn. You just fart. Like be like this lady. Easy, man. Easy, man.

Yeah. There's a reason. It's like $300 right there. What do you mean? What do you mean? She puts it on her, on a website. It's like webcam stuff. Yeah.

Money for nothing. Checks for free. Yeah. I'd do that anyways. Wow. I mean, I, wow. Yeah. It's a great way to earn extra cash.

That's what I'm saying. And that guys want to see girls do it. Doing it anyway. Yeah. Doing it anyway at home. I have the perfect scenario for make to make you, for your public queen ass ripper debut. You need to find the longest escalator or moving sidewalk you can. I try to go the whole way.

I think that they're saying fart past people to get their reactions. I did this before at Disney world in Hormann, hoe, Florida to several groups of unsuspecting mommies. I would pay to watch this. Oh my God. It's got farts, shame and disgusts. All the making of early retirement. You do the math.

Wow. By mommy. Thanks, James. Ethan. The fart mistress will consider the submission. Yeah. Yeah. I farted.

I can't get over triery. I'm sorry. Triery. Yeah. You like to read? I have. Yeah. Just don't say that.

She's looking into the camera. She should have just kept reading. Right. I agree. Say that would have been funnier. She doesn't even know it ends. My ass is like a monster. That was the next sentence in the fucking story.

Yeah. My ass is like a monster. See, this is easy peasy, dude. It is easy money. It's not that crazy. Why wouldn't you do it? You should do it. Well, it's really sexual though, right?

It's supposed to be fetish. Yeah. I think you guys are onto something with this fart mistress idea. A couple of years ago. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yay. Yeah. 這裡 ya прибles ya. Couple ideas ahead might be far MIstrS 40 gets pulled over and has to fart her way out of the vehicle. Yes. We should write some fart, fart, like, like long form is

far mistress pregnant or just gassy? A trip to the doctor and fart mistress meets Bigfoot. You'll never guess what happens next. Thanks for taking the time to read this. What kind of sore? Thank you. Hey, have you ever gotten a colonoscopy? No.

Someone's supposed to. You? Yeah. So I got one to look at those fucking hemorrhoids. Yeah. They blow air into your rectum. So it's like wide open. And then they look at whatever they got to look at.

And then afterwards you're just full of air. And so you feel like if the ship, you don't. And then you fart for about two straight days. Really? Yeah. Just farting out air. But crazy farts. Crazy.

You should charge for your next one and have like a live feed of fart and people can pay to watch. It's not about it. I went straight to ONA actually right from there and it was like I had to lie on the ground and just fart the whole time. Oh, so you capitalized. Yeah. Oh, thank God.

Can I mention something to you guys? Yeah. Sure. That I have drank a full glass of water and this full bottle of Fiji and you guys have not even come close. Well, I mean. Yeah, but when you hydrate constantly, I mean, and I had that and I had this coffee. Nothing.

I peed already. I like another one. Jesus. Anyway. Last half. Fiji. I've been done. Whatever.

I've been done for a minute, man. Okay. Was the current champion? Yeah. I am. Oh, really? Please. I'm also the observation champ, but that's another thing we'll go into later.

We're going to do, we're going to wrap this up. Hi. I'm little. Just let people know again, the special is coming out. It's a negative children and adulthood on Netflix. July. July, one eight. July, one eight.

July high. And then are you working on, are you already working on building your next thing? Yeah. I'm going to, my next special is going to be all about Judaism. I've decided. Oh, really? Yeah. I'm going to truly try to like flesh that out and exercise it.

No. Are you going to do it like in a Colin way where it's like a almost like one man show? Yeah. I'm going to look at it. I mean, I got that two couple of years in Edinburgh. So I've really sort of like been influenced by those one man, those like theme type shows. Yeah. I've worked out of clubs and like make it like funny, like American stand up.

Yeah. I mean, That's kind of the key. That's all you want. But like, yeah, Colin would be a good one. The way Neil Brennan did three mics is just interesting. Yeah. I'll watch a lot of stuff like that and see how I'll figure out a mixture between like

stories, laws and like tradition. Great. Exciting. Awesome, man. Looking forward to that. Yeah. I've got about like 20 now. It's pretty shitty early on.

But I mean, But it's fun. You just started and you know, you know, it'll get there. Yeah. Double negative. Double negative. And it's a double feature. Yeah.

It's a double feature. It's like a double album. Yeah. Will it play as one? It'll play as two. One stops. The next one will just like automatically start playing. Almost like a new episode starts.

Yeah. Or if you just watch one and then leave the 45 and 45 to the like manageable amount of time. Smart to do not 60, 60. Yeah. Smart. I think so. Yeah.

Also it's too hard to get a crowd to like really be in for an hour. Yeah. Really? We should talk about this. For two hours. I mean, Two hours is a lot. Yeah.

For comedy. Yeah. And then if you don't play it on Netflix, when you come back to like, do you want to resume playing? You know, just like any, stop watching House of Cards. Do you want to resume that? Do you want to resume? Are you sure there's double negative?

I'm sorry. What show? House of Cards? I'm not heard of it. Cards? Fards. Fards of Fards. I'm sorry.

I knew that. It's a... Are you into the new season? I stopped the first year. Oh, you did? I couldn't get over him talking to me. House of Fards. It just seemed like...

I really enjoyed it. Yeah. No, it was good when I watched it. I actually liked it. I just... We're... Probably like seven episodes in total. Oh, it was fantastic.

In total? No, no, no. Up to the new season. New season, yeah. All right. We got to go. Thank you guys for listening to the show. Thanks for having me, you guys.

Thanks for coming. It's been a while since I've been on here. It's been a long time. Two houses ago or something. Oh, my life. Yeah. I think I was on this podcast in three different places. Oh, yeah.

Red Band's apartment. That's right. All right. Your... Your beach house? Yeah, yeah. Redondo. And yeah.

No, and Silver Lake. Maybe Silver Lake. No, you were... Oh, yeah. The first time you were on, I think, was in the Silver Lake house. We had Ethiopian food wafting through because our neighbor was... We shared walls. Right next to that AA place, right?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was a good era. That was cool in the back. It was fun. That was a good time. All right. All times are good times.

Are you going to be on the road at all or no? You're just chilling. Nah. I'll be in Montreal. I'll be listening to that show. Okay. Big J, Robert Kelly, Godfrey, Jimmy Carr. That's a good show.

Yeah. It's a really good show. Yamanica. Sweet. All right. I'll see you guys. Thanks for listening. Lots of love.

Yeah. I love you, mommies. Bye, Gene. Thanks. Bye, Mothers. Bye, Mothers. I'm talking real far, but it's far, far, far. As it seems, it's far.

I'm talking real far, but it's far, far, far. I'm talking real far, but it's far, far, far.