Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 403-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: July 5, 2017

We have found a secret that even Wikileaks couldn't get. There is a man who may or may not be Ryan Sickler that gave a chocolate kiss to Hillary Clinton and we have the DETAILS! You are NOT ready.  PLUS, would any of you like to come over for moose soup later? What if we smoked two packs a day and slept with the whole village? Okay, see you at 7! Two hot new joints make this episode the kind you just want to put on some new jeans and rock out to.   

I, Thomas Bunzis Segura, will be at the Richmond Funny Bone, one night only, July 11th, there's two shows, first show is sold out, a few tickets left for the second show, that's in short pump, that's right, good memory, yeah there's a gas station there, Virginia Beach next night is sold out, Greens Blow Horses, North Carolina, a good one, there's a few tickets left at the Cone Denim Entertainment Center, good, that's July 13th, Asheville is sold out, North Carolina, that's easy, it's Asheville, right, and then Charles has come South Carolina, at the Charleston Guyard Center, July 15th, I say it or is it Gaylord, I think, oh yeah, Gaylord, Guyard, yeah you're supposed to say Gayard, I think, Gayard, yeah,

Gaytards, let me tell you something, there's enough tickets for you and a whole bunch of people, oh dear, what's going on in Charleston, why can't you come out, what's going on, is there another game or something, I don't know, that's my only tour date that I'm like whoa, but that's how it goes, that's how it goes Jean, Charleston, Charleston, can I have my water back please, sure, Montreal after that, Hampton Beach, Wilmington, Delaware, Balls and Horses, Maryland, soon thereafter, I go to Mumstrelia, I love Mumstrelia, it's been years, I've never been to Brisbane, I love Brisbane, I'm going to Sydney, I've been to Melbourne, I've never been to Perth, I'm going there too, I've never been to Perth, it's on the whole other

side of that country man, you're going all the way across, we're going to Sydney first and then Perth, yeah, okay, and I'm bringing the full charge with me, oh my gosh, you guys have to see him, all the Mumstrelians, it's going to be really fun, you're going to have so much fun with the full charge, I think he is such a great companion to have around, he makes me laugh, I had him at the punchline and I laughed the whole time, he's a fun guy, he's a super fun guy, super funny, and then I have an entire fall schedule, it's all at TomSugarra.com, please go check it out, I'm hitting a bunch of cities, many of the ones I've been hit up about, Denver, Toronto, you know, I'm going back to Michigan, I'm going to be in Ohio, all those places are on sale,

please go to TomSugarra.com, check on, check those dates and that's it, that's all you gotta do, Jean. Okay, I only have one club date coming up, I'm kind of taking a minute to catch my breath after that. Oh, because you shot a special? Yeah. I need a minute before I start planning my life again, but I'm doing September 22nd and 23rd in St. Julius, St. Julius, is that what it's called? Jiu-Tits. St. Jiu-Tits. Missouri. Missouri, Missouri. At Herium. Comedy club? Herium comedy camp. Wow. What? I just didn't expect it. You didn't expect that from me. It's offensive. A how? It's just offensive. You haven't even asked me what my pronoun is today, how can you say that I'm being offensive when you don't even ask me what my pronoun is changed already today?

What is your pronoun? Zay. Zay. Hmm. Actually, I prefer to be called Your Majesty. Your Majesty's great. What's your pronoun? Rop. Rop. So immature. Wait, what's your pronoun? Rop. Rop. Rop. My pronoun is fear. Fear. Fear. I feel like the pronoun is taking the place of which Braxton you feel like. Oh yeah, it is. What is your pronoun and what is your? What's the new Braxton? I agree. Rop. Rop. Rop. Man, he has really entered our hearts and minds. I love that guy. You love him. I don't. I absolutely love him. Yeah. What do you love most about him? It's so authentic. It's the dedication to it. He's 100% dedicated. Yeah. Yeah, he's not making that up. He's just that disgusting. Yeah, that's just perfect. Rop. Rop. Rop. Rop. I'd go retarded.

I'd go retarded is also my favorite new drop. That's what you got? Is that it? Well, I'm doing the comedy store most Saturdays. Most likely, and this is not 100%, I usually do the early show on the OR. I like doing that 730 OR show. I just love it. It's where all the civilized people go out. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? You got shit to do. I know what you're saying. I do. You know what I'm saying? You don't get no lunatics at a midnight hour. You got respectable people. It just occurred to me and please remember when you're in Mom's Strelia to pick me up some ketchup flavored Doritos. You asked me this last time. Yeah, it's my favorite. I remember I couldn't find that they weren't there anymore last time. Seriously. When I went in 2011.

It must have just been a one time only. I think it's just outdated now. I mean, I've been thinking about that shit for 20 years. I know. Please, ketchup flavored Doritos. What about Cadbury? Will you bring me back some Cadbury stuff? I do like that. I want that seven seeds coffee. That's what I want to eat. That was really good stuff. Yeah. That's really, yeah, yeah. Will you bring home? Will they let you, I mean with customs and all that shit? I don't know. I wonder, you know how strict they are with bringing any kind of food items? We'll have to find out. Fuckers. Let's get this show started. And when I woke up, she had both my legs over her shoulders and she was numb sucking my asshole

like there is no tomorrow. This shit is big time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura and Christina Pajitse. Yeah, I, I'll turn the air on because it's hot in here. One, two, three, four heat generating lights. Yeah, it's showbiz. It's what you're used to. Right. So they put the air on in those rooms. Yeah, but I'm already, I'm so cold. I'm wearing a jacket already. And then now you turn it down. I can't, the best part about sleeping downstairs on the pullout couch bed and not a sofa mattress. The only highlight is that there's no AC vent in that room. I know. And it's so warm and delightful. And I don't have to, do you know that I sleep with a

down comforter every night, fully up around my neck because it's so cold. It's not even cold. And my nose is cold all the time. It's not cold. It's so cold. You have problems. You have body problems. I'm serious. I'm not cold. Well, how cold is it when I'm saying this? What do you think? In the room, 72. That's freezing. No, it's not. I hate it. And you wake up and you tell me, I saw you on top of the sheets because it's not cold. I wanted to be 67, 68. I do it as a courtesy. No, the only time I enjoyed, we enjoyed the same temperature was when I was pregnant with Ellis. No, because you were hot too. Because I was hot all the time. It's the only time in my life. Well, misery. If you haven't yet figured it out, we have found the male equivalent to Danny.

I hadn't figured that out yet actually. I don't know what's going on with this guy, but he's got a lot, a lot to say. He doesn't blink much. She made me do copious amounts of cocaine with her. So the point I thought my heart was going to stop. She told me to calm down, gave me a drink. And I don't know what was in the drink, but I blacked out. And when I woke up, she had both of my legs over her shoulders and she was numb sucking my asshole like there's no tomorrow. What's numb sucking? Making it numb. Really going at it. I tried to fight it. I tried to get away, but I was restrained. She told me that I liked it. She told me not to worry because she used the good jelly, the schmuckas. I like schmuckas. Nobody's paid me to confess this now. And I've

kept it under wraps for all these years because I knew that no one would believe me. No one would believe that Hillary Clinton ate my asshole. Wow. Shocking. Shocking revelation. I mean, I'm surprised Hillary hasn't responded. Hillary Clinton ate Ryan Sikler's asshole. It does, except Ryan hasn't. I don't know what to believe. Hillary Clinton ate my asshole. Please, sweet, at Ryan Sikler. Did Hillary Clinton really eat your asshole? Fuck the crab feast. Now, here's how you know someone's crazy. Wait, put his image back up. It is. So nobody's paid me to confess this. Oh my God. You can always tell crazy by the darkness of the beard proportionate to one's age. Oh yeah. He definitely nice and easy, that one.

You think so? Yeah. It's not really in focus though. It might be a little greater than we think. Remember, they got in our old neighborhood that used to take a permanent like a Sharpie and Sharpie his beard on? That is real crazy. That's in the rampart division. I drove through there years later and I saw him. Really? Well, good for him. What's he up to? He's just holding the block down. He's just doing what he does. He used to be on the corner where the Carl's Jr. was and he had that bench and he was just sitting there all the time. He would be south of six, right? Wouldn't he often be south of six? Yeah, wherever that Carl's is. That was a really good Carl's Jr. by the way. Yeah, really good.

Wow. Hillary Clinton ate my asshole. I'm surprised she hasn't responded really. That's a huge allegation. Give her a minute. I mean, she's still getting over this election, you know? She's still figuring it out. She had both of my legs over her shoulders. I wish. I hope I can testify to the same thing one day. With Hills? With you. Oh, well, we all know that's not going to happen. She had both of my legs over her shoulders. Yeah, Anna. Yeah. What would you have Hillary do this to you? Let's say I can't. Okay, I give you permission. Can Hillary do this to you? Yeah, of course. You wouldn't mind? What would I mind? She's a little bossy. That's fine. Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure I wouldn't be that

fun, but I mean, I would still do it. Yeah, I would just do it for the story. I think Hills would be fine with a few in her. Do you have any idea what kind of story that is? I can't believe it happened. I know. I mean, I mean, this guy is telling him into his YouTube channel, but... Yeah, it must have happened before she was married to Bill. I don't think that's what he's saying. Oh, you think this is like recent? Of course. Wow. Recent as in at least during their marriage. I don't think it's a 40-year-old story. Wow. How many YouTube videos will be coming out about what you've been doing on the road, your roadbeave stories? Roadbeave. That's the name of my new book I'm pitching right now. Roadbeave? Roadbeave, A Life on the Road. You never got roadbeave?

No, because you and I got together kind of, hey. What? What? No, I didn't. I didn't get roadbeave. I've never gotten roadbeave either. The closest I came to roadbeave, I guess it's technically roadbeave, was before we were together... Roadbeave. I did a spot in Orange County. Yeah. Like a bar show. So this wasn't even a club show. And some girl at the show, I was like, I don't know. It's not how I normally come on. I did a fake confidence thing. I was like, come in here and watch this. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. And then we kind of made out afterwards. What? This is the first time I've heard of it. Yeah. And then she got a hotel room and here's the thing. I was like, oh, I'm going to shove it in. And then she was like,

oh, no, my friend's coming now. And then her friend showed up. And her friend was like, looking at me like, what is going on? Like it was the nerd friend. It was like... Oh, she wasn't like, they were going to double team you. No, it was the nerd friend who was like, it's Samantha. Who is this guy? Because he's a comedian. It was so funny the way she said it, too. Like she said it like, he's a fireman that's just, you know, was saving me. That's why he's here. He's a comedian. She was like, uh-huh. Nice to meet you. And I was like, well, nothing happened. That's it? Yeah. That's cool. So I came to, because we started dating when I was super young. You could have like banged both of those chicks if you wanted. No. No. One of them possible.

Yeah. If nerd alert hadn't showed up. The shitty friend. Too bad. One time I got prepositioned to get in a hot tub. There was a small club in a small town in Florida and the owner and his, the wife had huge fakers. Yeah. And they were like, after the show, they were like, to me, the headliner, they're like, you know, we have a hot tub back at our place. And I was like, well, really? That sounds terrible. I'm not, I don't do that. Like I don't want to. Ruff, ruff, ruff. That's when you and I were engaged. You didn't, you didn't go to the hot tub? I'd rather kill myself. Like no. Why? I'm just not that purse. I'm not fun like that. Yeah, that's true. You're not fun. I have a good personality, but I'm not the sexuality champ.

That's like the slut champ. Yeah, you should have. Yeah. That'd be a good story. You'd be like, so mortified. I double teamed this owner and his wife. They're not cute. Not cute. Yeah. I don't know. I'm not that free. I'm really not that open. Why do you think that is so nervous? Yeah. I'd be so weirded out. Like I guess some people can do that stuff. Yeah. Obviously I'm just not that free. I'm real closed off. I'd be so nervous. Wouldn't you? To what? To do that. Like I get a hot tub with like a married couple and then depends on the setting. I don't know. Strangers? No, it depends on like the environment. In other words, I guess if they're like, come over to my house, yeah, I'd be nervous. If they're, if they're, if you're staying at a hotel and there's people around,

it's like, oh yeah, the hot tub. Okay. Oh, right. Cause then you can just go to your room and give some power. Have a way out. Yeah. It's like, but like, if someone's like, come over and was getting the hot tub, yeah, I would be nervous. Then they can roof you and put stuff in your butt. I don't think they want to do that, but if they did, then it's cool. Yeah. Do you think your bark will be less tonight so that I can sleep in our marital bed? I think we may have a chance tonight. Maybe. Truth be told, I kind of like my little ventless. Yeah. Cause you like the heat. It's hot here right now, by the way. No, it's not. It feels perfect. I want to make it cooler again. I like the, the freedom. I don't have to hear dogs scratching

and you snoring or horking and it's kind of like my own little private Idaho. Well, I'll give a shout out to old Wheeler who came through last week. Old Wheeler. That was great. That was great, except that my camera wasn't working and that's a problem, but that was my fault. I think I wasn't in any of the videos. That's probably why you liked it so much that episode. That's true. That's true. It really is warm in here. Stop yourself. It's true. It's not. It's 74. It's freezing. It's warm. There's lights on. It's hot. Maybe it's because you're wearing a long sleeve tee. It's fine. It's light. It's just. You have an undershirt? No. How could men do that? I watched, when we were watching that movie last night,

they wear like a white tank under a white see-through. That doesn't look good, right? Oh my God. It was a war machine. Well, that doesn't look good, but then all you see is the tank through the white shirt. That doesn't look good. It looks weird, but what are your options, I guess, as a man? Are you done now ruining my life? I hate when you do this. It's so cold. When will you be happy? Feels normal. You know, we had our closet remodeled. We didn't even talk about this. We didn't have a closet for like three weeks. That was terrible. It was so hard. It was hard actually, not having anywhere to put your stuff. Yeah. And what we realized is that Tom and I have like, we have no clothes. We can't even fill it. And I realized that I only own

lounge pants. Like I have like, I'm becoming. A lot of loungey pants. I'm a 40 year old woman, mom, and all I own is like comfortable shit and then the most comfortable stuff. I thought I had more stuff too, but I don't. We only wear like two or three things. Yeah. I don't mind it either. I dedicated an entire drawer to just black tops. I love it. Just black. Yeah. I have a lot of the same t-shirts over and over. That's what I like though. I know. There's no need. I thought I had more. I have nothing. I like it that way. No, I don't want to get overwhelmed because I'm always trying to get rid of stuff anyways. Yeah. We're always decluttering in this house. It's healthier. So we invited, we've been sick this week, of course,

the minute. Yeah. I got home from Seattle and the kid is sick and then we got the cold. Everybody sick. But you invited cousin Bri Bri over on Sunday and they have a little one as well. And you kind of, I mean, we're on the line of not contagious anymore. Honestly, we're all over it. But as a parent courtesy, you kind of take, you err on the side of caution and you go like, maybe we shouldn't let that baby around our baby who's still got a snotty nose. Yeah. Yeah. But you were like, screw it. Invite him over. Well, here's the thing. This is our second time making plans with them. Yeah. And the last time that we made plans with them, I canceled like two hours before when I had that stomach thing going on. Diarrhea. But that's because I

was taking, I was sick. I was taking an antibiotic that gave me diarrhea. Yeah. And my parents were in town. It was terrible. So now it's like, it's the end of a cold. The boy is much better. I'm feeling better now. I was a little shitty, but I knew I was on the way out. So I was like, I could call him and give him a warning, but I know how cautious he is. Yeah. And the warning he would take too seriously. So I was like, I just won't give him a warning. And then maybe when he gets here, he'll be like, oh, I get nervous. And you like that. I thought that'd be funny. Yeah. To watch him sweat a little bit. Yeah, but he didn't. At all. He did great. Yeah. He really held his shit together. I was a little excited about it. I was like, oh, maybe he'll be,

yeah, maybe he'll be like extra cautious, but I think it's funny. Yeah. I like that too. And people get freaked out. Yeah. Cause I get freaked out. Um, like this, it's like this kind of thing. Do you think this is horrible or hilarious? It's a guy's driving a golf cart and they went up like over a small, like a dirt hill. I guess it was probably a, maybe an eight foot, 10 foot hill. And then their cart flipped them off of the front. I like golf carts and silliness and golf carts. So I'm going to go for funny because they knew what they were getting into. They could have gotten really hurt right there. They could have, but they made a choice and they did it and they don't look, I don't know. Yeah. Golf

cart shit's hilarious to me. It's so much fun. That golf cart really held up. I thought it would flip or something. It just, it kind of held up really well. This is like, um, that true TV show I used to do where it was, it was like wildest TV mo or some shit. This is all the videos we cover. And then I have to be like, the next time the guy says that you got to do that, like you'd have your dumb jokes. Remember, I used to write like tons of jokes for these kind of clips. Yeah. When you watch those shows and mind numbing, you can tell which jokes were written by the producers and which jokes are written by the comics. Yeah. World's dumbest. That was the name of the show because the producer jokes were like, oh, yeah. They would feed us, try to feed

us jokes on, um, the other true TV show. Yeah. How to be a grown up. How to be a grown up, but we'd be like, no, we never did. I don't want to say that. You want to say that? Can you say a version of that? No. I know. I sell that. They used to give me a sheet of jokes and there was a couple of writers. I really liked their shit and I, I could tell who wrote and I'd be like, oh, I like that. I'll say that. But literally just 20 that I'd be like, pass, pass, pass. We had a really funny producer once and we had a really unfunny producer on that. But yeah, they would, they would be like, could you say it without cursing? And I'd be like, okay. I guess I fucking can. Yeah. Sure,

fuck face. All right. I remember the guy that was a bad director for us. Like he would come in just stone faced, which you can't do to comics. You can't just be like totally unanimated. I know. So weird. It doesn't play. No. So weird. What other observations did I have? Oh, well, well, I'm very observant. I am the observation champ. So as you know, 4th of July is, is that tomorrow? Yeah. And you and I were just talking about how we could give zero fucks about 4th of July and seeing fireworks. I don't care. No, I don't care. I can't, I can't remember the last time I did that photos of them, right? I think the photos of the fireworks are the dumbest. July 5th, when every asshole posts

pictures of fireworks, I mean, there's nothing worse, like a single frame, uninspiring of, of the, before the flare out, but you see like, you just see like five dots, right? You know, like, oh, and in a moment, this was a, right, a big thing. Here's the moment before that, but it just doesn't translate. The glory of live fireworks versus your tiny little shitty camera pic. It's like taking a picture of the moon. Look at the moon guy. Like, it doesn't translate. Right. Here's these clouds that doesn't translate. Clouds are clouds are even dominant in the fireworks. Yeah. I'm seeing fireworks, but I can't think of a thing worse. Like you have to park, you go to the local community college or wherever they're showing

the fireworks. You get to sit around with a bunch of assholes. It's, it's terrible. I hate when it's a big crowd. I don't like big crowds. There's nowhere to pee. Yeah. Where can I sit? Yeah. And then you know, the thing is like on a day like that, you find a place to pee and then it's a, it's a beverage consumption day. Yeah. So right away you go back to where your group is, you're drinking again. You're like, shit, I got to go back. Yeah. That always happens to me. Oh yeah. Yeah. It's like, that's why I hate being at places like that. So do I. Just because I want a comfortable place to pee or pour to parties. Disgusting. And then, and then you need a bracelet to get back into the thing or wherever. Like, oh boy, get your life. I'm not even doing it.

Concerts. That's why concerts piss me off. Hey, concerts too. Even a sporting event, you know, you go, it's like drinking beers. I got to pee. Where is it? Well, you got to walk up these six flights of stairs and then you're, oh, you're on, okay. So on terminal one, you go left down and go to LL. Oh, it's only women. Sorry. So you go back through the, go to the K gate and there's a restaurant there and you're like, Jesus Christ. You do all that. You get your other beverage and you're like, I got to pee again. And nightmare. It sucks. And then your food options are limited. It's like a hot dog and a hot dog, which I love hot dogs, but I can't, you know, I can't do that. It makes me feel sick now to eat them. Yeah.

Can't do it at 40. It's like over. Fuck a firework show, man. And the neat part is in LA, I'm sure everywhere, but you get to hear people shooting guns and shooting stuff off. A lot of guns go off. Yeah. You get to hear it two days before or four of July or a week before and then a week after. Jesus. What are you doing? Why are you shooting guns in the sky morons? Do you want to hear this song that DJ Boy Butter said in? Yeah. It's called be retarded. And he took the, would you rather with my parents? I mean, he's done some amazing songs already. Yeah. But this is his latest one. It's really great. Charles, would you rather be retarded or you have to drive on the freeway?

Okay. Okay. Would you rather have four penises on your forehead? You know what I'm saying? I don't mean for penising my first eye for pills, be retarded, definitely retarded. I can probably handle him up with Nancy Pelosi. Okay. She's got a nice set of lungs. Okay. She's had some work done. All right. You have to have sex with her. Okay. Okay. Okay. Oh, shit. Dad. Yeah. Would you rather only eat Asian food? No, I'd try to go retarded. Okay. I'm not going to eat dog. Okay. Okay.

Amazing. That's so funny. I like that you're dad. You're going to be retarded then. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. Okay. Okay. I'd rather go retarded. Does he say go retarded? No, I'd go retarded. Yeah. I love your dad's hatred of Asian food, which, you know, I think that's one of my favorites. I'd go retarded. Yeah. They created the noodle. Oh my God. I mean, Asians best. The fact that, I think if they, they gave this scenario to everyone on earth, there'd be one retarded guy walking around. It'd be my dad. And everybody else would be like, this food is delicious. Asian food is the best. Of course. There's so many different kinds too. So many options. Yeah. You could do so. I'm not

going to eat dog. All right. He's serious. That shows you how underexposed to this cuisine he is. He's just taking this stereotypical worst thing that exists. Nighting dog. I ain't gonna love my dogs. They don't eat dog. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, look, when I was in Korea, they did warn us not to eat the street meat because there was, there were reports of dog meat being sold. Yeah. That's those in Seoul. I don't know, but that's the, oh, come on. They don't eat dog all the time. You just said that like, like him though, you said, yeah. Yeah. Come on. Okay. Okay. All right. Okay. Like in Seoul. All right. All right. Today he goes, we were face timing because LJ was playing, being adorable. Yeah. Because Christina, get over here. Didn't you see

that today? I was like, oh, shit. He got his power suit on today. You were in a suit. He got a suit on. I know. You were saying that, that he always dressed that way when you were a kid that you saw him. He wore a suit every day to work, every day. And then the khaki. That's how that came. That's dressed down. That's why that's dressed down because for him it technically is dressed down. Sure is. Yeah. He looks handsome in his suit. Sure. Suit looks great on most guys. Yeah. If you look like shit, buy a suit. Yeah. It really cleans up your whole act. And one thing, we talk about it a lot. He and I do. Okay. All right. Is if you wear a suit, one thing that's fun is to watch how people treat you differently because they do. Yeah. You're going to like the

way you look. Yeah. They treat you way differently. Guarantee it. They just make assumptions about in a good way usually. Yeah. Dressing up is a huge factor. People assume that you're richer, smarter, everything. Yeah. They assume that you have your shit together more. I mean, because you and I, or you've gone car shopping and you said that people will be mean to you, belittling to you. They have basically walked me out of dealerships. Because you look like a homeless. It's weird. No, because it's LA. LA is a well-known dress down place. Yeah. People dress down here. Oh, you could be a billionaire and you look like a scumbag. And I've walked in and they're like, are you like taking pictures of cars? I was going to shopping for one and they're like, uh-huh.

Yeah. And then they'll be like, this is, you know, this is not a free car. This is not a contest. I'm like, I know, man. Yeah. And they just keep looking at you and they're like, are you sure you don't want to see the other one? Like they'll talk to me like, do you want to see the cheaper one? I'm like, what is going on? And I feel like I have to be like, no, I really, I'm here to actually buy a car. Do you think it's the beard? I guess. It's a whole look, I guess. It's a scummy look. It says, I'm going to steal something, I guess. Yeah. Interesting. Speaking of Asian cuisines, I had a thought. I'd like to ask you about this. What is that? Which cuisine gives you the worst farts personally? Like what do you think gives you the smelliest

farts? I don't know. It's a tie between high vegetable content and a high seafood content. For you. What about like spice and heat? Like kakuri or? Yeah, but I mean, I don't think it's the worst of all. No, I think. So can we give a nationality of the food or? It's kind of hard to say. I mean, I feel like it's an ingredient. I don't know if you're going by cuisine. See, the thing is I went to a sushi place last week that was amazing, but it was really authentic. I mean, the guy is, you know, fresh off the boat. There's no rolls. He was like ordering us not to use soy sauce and I had no digestive issues whatsoever. Really? Freshest fish, the best stuff I've ever had. But you go to like a more, you know, neighborhoody joint and you're getting

rolls and all that stuff and I blow it out my ass. I think it's the fried component to those rolls. Maybe. We get that hot night roll and it's got shrimp tempura in it and I swear that makes you shit or the spicy mayonnaise, but I'm talking about farts. I'm not talking about browns. Yeah. I think Vietnamese might give me the worst farts. I could cosign on that idea for you. I used to get far from this place in Silver Lake that we lived and we lived there and I swear those farts were just rancid, rotten, rotten, rotten, rotten. I feel like you have a few places that do bad things to you. Thai is like, oh, that's an instant fart maker. They may as well just call it fart makings, fart make curry. Fart make curry. Oh, when I was in San Francisco, that's what did

me and panang curry before my show and they texted me like, are you coming? Geez. I had to finish my shit. Wow. That's amazing, Gene. Gene, we got an email that said, hi Gene, we all know Bert is fat. Yeah. Right? That's something that we all know. Yeah. Everyone in the world knows that now. Bert is fat. I love that internationally, Bert is known to be fat as well. Very fat. Did you know that burnt Chrysler Sr. is on Team Tommy? What? While glancing through an old 1997 Rolling Stone article about Bart's partying, Stanema, I came across this amazed blurb. Bert's father hated Bert's goatee. Really? He once offered Bert $500 to get rid of it. The only reason Bert had grown it out was to cover his double chin, but for the bucks,

he shaved it off. Seeing it gone, the first thing his father had said was fat boy. Wow. Listen to those big tits fart. Love you, mommy. Ryan from Schlangeilen, Jewdork. Wow. We have to bring that up to Bart in person. I had no idea about that. You've been taking a lot of shits every day. I feel like too many. I think we can ask our audience how many shits a day do you take? I don't take it a ridiculous amount at all. I downloaded a counter app just like a keep track. To go from one to two? Well, or three. You say you had three in a day and that's normal. That was fine. That was normal. Oh, look, on our next door app, somebody writes,

want to set up a compost pile? I think of nothing worse. Here, Jean, read this email. This is your real house. Out loud. Okay. Hey guys, I was listening to the podcast the other day and you were talking about people talking loudly on the phone or watching videos at a ridiculous volume. This is my ultimate pet peeve. I'm a fireman and I work in a lower income neighborhood. Well, the other day, the crew was walking into the grocery store and there was a guy standing out front listening to music on his phone. On a fucking Dre Beats Bluetooth speaker set on fucking 11. At that instant, I completely forgot that I was in my uniform and went into a rage in my head. The only

thing I could do, mind you, this is in a predominantly black neighborhood and I'm about as white as they come. The funniest part is the dude just looked at me, turned down his speaker and went, feel you, N-word. So I guess your theory is right. If your black voice is on point, it will elicit a response, fireman mic. I guess. I guess. If your black voice is on point. Why did you? I'm not going to say the N-word anymore. Why did you sense it? I am not going to say, but you're reading an email. It's a guy, not a gir. But why don't, but you always feel like you're, I'm reading something. I mean, I'm repeating something. Why did that change? I just, I can't take the abuse because I don't want the songs

to come in and the remixes. But that's all anyone wants to hear. All right. I'll give it to you. He turned down his speaker and went, feel you, nigga. Why would you say that? So I guess your theory is right. If your black voice is on point, it will elicit a response. I yelled headphones. I can't believe you actually said it. I wasn't being serious. I know. I just, yeah, I don't think I read that part. The only thing I, I didn't read that part. I'm sorry. The only thing I could do was take a page from Tom's book. Sorry. I, I skipped the line. So basically this guy yelled headphones and the best black guy voice I can do. So he yelled it's headphones like, like you do bikes. Right. I skipped the line. Yeah. Oh, that's so funny. That is.

And then he was like, all right, man. That's so funny. That's so funny. Can I read an email? Sure. Yeah, yeah, of course. Hi, Hitlers. A couple of times in the last two weeks, I've noticed something interesting when I go to the bathroom at work. We all know about the age old brown clean up preferences like standing or sitting, folding or scrunching and front to back versus back to front. But this observation at work had me baffled. How many times do you swipe across your brown maker with a single serving of toilet paper? Personally, for the last 27 years, I've been wiping myself. I've only ever done one pass and it's onto a new clean bunch of toilet paper. This guy I heard was going back and forth upwards of 25 times with the same handful of TP.

I don't care how clean I think I am. I am not risking the chance of smearing brown all over myself. I'm curious. God, that is so foul. A common clean up strategy and what your thoughts are. Oh my God, you guys are so disgusting. So this person had one thing at toilet paper and just went like one, two, three, four, five, six, like sandpaper. Well, it's all about how many passes you take. Now he doesn't say, I'm assuming he means once and then like a fold over and then you go back. But he says the same paper. So it's literally one pass and then again on the same? No, you can't do that. That's nasty. I don't do that. I fold over and then I go and then it's gone. Of course. Yeah. No, you have a thing. You do not do pass again. So if you have this, you would wipe

you would fold it. Maybe if it was like super chunky, you'd be like, I'm dropping that. Yeah. But if you were trying to sort of, you fold it a second time and then you drop it. Yeah, drop it. You know, like then go, I'm going to fold that and I'm going to fold that. No, but is he saying, come here, give me that piece of paper. I thought what he was saying is that somebody, he's asking something different. He's saying that somebody went like, shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh. Like same piece of paper all in the same area. That's what I think he's asking. If it's pass, pass, pass, that's nasty as hell. That's not even worth discussing. Disgusting beyond belief. But I didn't know people were capable of that. I didn't even

know that was a thing. Anything. You can't do that. You can't go back on the same paper. That is nasty. That's real nasty. Uh. Now let's bring it down. A test and balance is critical to ensuring that your store is built with the HVAC system you specified and so that it operates as efficiently and comfortably as possible. The test and balance firm should be independent and work directly for the store owner to ensure your best interests are represented. The firm should also be certified by a national organization such as N-E-B-B, A-A-B-C, or T-A-B-B to ensure basic quality standards are met and industry accepted procedures are used. Cool. Didn't get enough, though. Upon arrival to the job site, the technician meets the general contractor

superintendent. Oh, they're showing you meeting. That's my favorite one. The guy meets the other guy and then they show the other guy. Nice to meet you. He didn't understand what it looks like when people meet. Fucking A, man. HPB. You want to see a mom boner? HPB, yeah. It's kind of weird. It's a mom boner, but she's friendly. She's excited. Sounds almost angry, but it's actually also inviting. It's really bizarre. She's watching a speedboat race in, I think, in West Virginia or something. Where? West Virginia. Virginia. Virginia. I think this is Charlie Honeydine. Yeah, that's Charlie. Oh my god. Oh my god. Get your passenger. Son of a bitch.

Damn it. Dirty bitch. You think she smokes? That's one thing I've learned from these clips more than anything is how horrible you sound when you've been a smoker your whole life. This lady, I feel like we never get to see her and I feel like I could draw a picture of her. Yeah, me too. I'd pictured her. What's your picture? Well, it's dirty blonde. She used to bleach bleach it and now it's like kind of messier. She's thin too. Yeah, it's thin and straight. She's got big hoop earrings. She's got a low cut sleeveless shirt with like too much like jewelry that doesn't really match up, but there's a lot of it. It's kind of tacky. Yeah. Like maybe three or four necklaces and maybe there's a ring on, you know, eight out of 10 fingers,

right? And some bracelets, big sloppy hangers. That's the key number one. Yeah, a big old slop. No bra for sure. No bra. She goes through, I don't know, maybe two packs a day. What's her brand? And she drinks. What's her brand of cigarette? She has road cools or no Virginia Slims or something, you know, something long. Capris or something. Yeah. She has a lot of roadies, you know, when she goes on, when she gets in the car, she's got a big like tub thing. Yeah. Some people drink iced tea out of it, but it's like a 32 ounce. Yeah. And she has her road drink, you know. Now, see, interesting. I went dark hair. I'm going to go mulling. Big and pretty big. I don't think so. I think smoking is supposed to keep you a little trim. I don't think she's

five bills, but I think she's like, you know, she's a broad 220. I'm going to go unkempt curly shoulder length brown hair and kind of a mullity, not a mullet, but mullity where it's short on the side. Her sexual past is terrifying to go over. Yeah. Yeah. She's a real, she's a swamp person. Like she's a pig. I'm going to go for a t-shirt with a silly slogan on it, like with the kind of back floor. Your next bitch. Yeah. Or like an aggressive one. I'm fluent in sarcasm. Right. Yeah, stuff like that. Fuck are you looking at? Whatever. Yeah. They don't call me bitch for nothing or whatever dumb slogan. Faded blue jeans. Yeah. Light and flip flops. She put the cheap ones from like Safeway. Yes. The Kroger. Yeah. And we don't have that on the

West Coast, but she goes to Kroger. She gets the flip flops from Kroger. Go ahead. Fuck. You guys are doing good. Well, you guys are doing well. Come hurry up. Is that Charlie? Oh, 30 son of a. Come down later for moose soup. What? I wouldn't eat her soup. Yeah. You guys come down here after I got moose soup and everything. All right. You guys are doing good. Son of a bitch. Hey, I got you on video. He's going to get hit. Dirty son of a. That boat's going to come back smack him right on the head. It's not good. Can I tell you that? You want her moose soup? Of all the scenarios of human existence, hers would be, like I would rather,

I would probably rather be a sex worker in what? Be careful. Bangladesh and have that life than be her. I don't think so. Yeah. Repeat what you said to yourself out loud a couple of times. Visualize sex worker life in Bangladesh. Right. And making moose soup. Yeah. Sounds better than this. Of this woman's life. I don't think so. I mean, the fact that you are born in America, I'm assuming she's American. She has all these opportunities afforded, you know, and you've pissed your life into being a river person who screams at people. Yeah. Yeah. You know, you failed. You failed. I don't think it's good. I don't think you want to be a sex worker in Bangladesh. Potato, potato, you know what I mean? She's made a lot of bad choices.

Gee, Raymond just lost a passenger. Gee, I just thought I got that on video. She says it like, Gee, yeah, yeah. There you go. Can I say what really annoys me too? I hate that personality where somebody messes up, like Raymond made a mistake clearly. I don't know if he did this intentionally to his friend. No, I don't think he did. They're in a race. And then the person has to chastise. Gee, Raymond, you went in and you did that wrong. You fucked up. They love to, you know, harp on the person that did, made an innocent mistake or something. That makes me crazy. Yeah. It's like they thrive on making you feel like shit for something you didn't. I hate it.

Come down for moose soup after. Moose soup. You boys. Get it. This is, I feel like a real highlight for her though. I think she really enjoys it. Yelling at people. No, I mean like watching the little boat race. Yeah, that's why she- OMG. That's why she lives on the river there. OMG. Come down later for moose soup. And then the laugh. Dirty bitch. Yeah. What if I would turn into that? Gross. Would you divorce me? 100%. Seriously? Later. Yeah. It would take you a while to turn into that. You can't be that tomorrow. That's 20 years of smoking. Right. But then I would, yeah,

I would take off. God damn. Just leave you making your moose soup every day. Go back and I got my moose soup. That's how you'd get your next guy. You'd be like, I was single for a while, but then I learned this moose soup recipe and the guys just started coming around. Okay. Would you rather- I heard you getting married. Yeah. And we're serving moose soup at the reception. Moose soup is the crop. It's stuck in my crop. Hey, so, okay, would you rather be married to that lady, moose soup lady, or the girl that does all those fart videos in the shed. The shed videos? Because remember you were like, because I wanted to be the fart mistress. You did want to? And you're go, I don't want to be married to the fart mistress.

And we've, we have the URL reserved. So I'm not going to let you hold me back. Yeah. Oh my God. My ass is like a monster. So not her though, the shed lady. I'm the shed lady and I do fartmistress.com and that's my job. Right. And anybody that does a Google search can find that and I'm your wife. Or you're the moose. I'm the moose soup lady. Come on, get in here. I got moose there. A hundred percent. Fart mistress was attractive. If I didn't know she was making farts in that shed, I would have been like, yeah, she's a good enough looking lady, but you drop our son off at school and everybody knows you're married to fart.

I mean, I would get over the shame quickly. I think I'd be much more ashamed to be married to the moose soup lady. I find, I find her voice repulsive. Come on, Tom. Let me suck your cock. Come on, please. Let me lick your ass. Would you let her lick your butt? No, she's so gross. She sounds disgusting. I don't want any part of it. Tom, would you go down on me? No. I suck on my tits. I suck on my tits, Tom. I think it's just the approach to sex that we need to work on with her. She'd say it outright. Well, there's a way to get into sex. Hi, I'm Roxanne De Palma and I want to know who out there is curious about eco sex. And you're like, what the fuck is eco sex? Yeah, on Smiris.

Well, I hate everybody. Eco sex. I hate the world. The wind in your hair could be stimulating and titillating the texture of tree bark. I mean, that's exciting in itself to really let your fingertips run across the tree bark and feel its eroticness. You want to fuck a tree? I hate these people. Do you want, would you have lesbian eco sex with the mousse soup lady? What, or? Or you have to live in the fart shed and smell all that lady's fart. Well, here's the thing. Mousse soup lady never goes outside, has no idea. She was outside in that video. Yeah, but she's not going to tie herself to a tree. This is, this is the proposed area. I'd rather live in the fart shed easy. Why? Because then I'd be left alone. This is terrible.

I want you to know that I will be tying up a real live human. For your viewing pleasure, we're going to do a tutorial and a scene. So you'll get to see me and my girlfriend Summer. Oh, God. On an upcoming video. Summer. Summer. Summer. Have eco sex. I'll tell you what, you can get a close-up on this. It looks like a big hooded clit upside down and the entrance to the vagina is right in here. It's pretty sexy, I think. Yeah, real sexy. You look tonguey. Oh my God, over people. Gentle, gentle. If you ever go straight for the clit, be so gentle, like barely touch it. Don't spit after it. Oh yeah, because you have tree bark in your mouth. Yeah, you stupid bitch. Wow, you got really upset with that. Well, I just think it's another racket.

It's another one of these weirdos is trying to make a buck off of innocent people. I don't feel like it's genuine. That's the only point. No. I wish this lady really loved fucking trees. That's what I'm saying. If you really are into tree fucking, you're not making videos. You're just doing it and you're, you know, nobody knows. Yeah. Keep it a secret. Hillary Clinton ate my asshole. Okay. Sickler. Sickler. So weird that Ryan would come out with that. And never I would say that. He never told us. Oh, M G. Yeah. Oh, M G. Oh, M G. Tom, come over here. Come down later, promosu. Tom pitched my nipples. You know, I like it when you pitch my nipples. She's so grody. This is pretty good. Somebody said, uh, I once worked for at Best Buy for a

total of two hours. First hour was doing orientation and I should have known things were not going well. When everyone always had the fakest of smiles boy and I'm being polite to the point of being nauseous. First day of work, opening shift and nightmare of non robot humans, cheer squad and volleyball game before the opening of the store. I did not participate in the game. And when the time came to open Shibuya roll call, I did not say my name, nor did I clap along to the chance of best buy is the best buy. Gosh, quickly singled out as non-compliant. The manager stared at me and gestured for me to play along immediately shaking my head in defiance. Yeah. Feeling he had no power, pulled me aside and told me this is what they do.

I need to be a team player or else I won't succeed there. I think he understood what my position was right when I told him to fuck off and walk out of the store. The manager followed me outside and kept asking why I didn't want to participate in the warmup. He felt like a winner when I said nothing and drove off with my middle finger up. Keep it glassy, Chris. PS, please fuck my triple D slow wife. Good for you. Good for you, Chris. That sounds terrible. I feel such a connection to Chris. So do I. Others, I could not do that. I could not be a part of that at all. It's not worth it. Can I read an email I got? We are, we are Walmart. We are, we are Walmart. Oh my God. Go ahead. So we've had many questions about blind people.

How do they wipe? Yeah. I love that you're like, this is real serious. We've got another one. Hey, Hitlers, I was just making it brown and wiping the correct way. I'm wondering if blind people can be racist. I think they can, but I want to know my main non-binary mommy's thoughts. Also, could retarded people be racist as well? Well, of course, yes. What kind of questions? Come on. That's a stupid question. Why do you not know? Nate. PS, bikes. Well, I mean, obviously retarded people, yes, they can be racist, but can blind people be racist? I mean, I mean, look, racism is what, based on the color of your skin, that's what people say. Yeah. But I think it's also based on cultural

stereotypes, correct? Yeah, I mean, other things too. I mean, a blind person is going to pick up on somebody's, I don't know, some common behavior or perceived, you know, attitude of somebody that they're around. And they're also, there's other stimuli, right? So it's like they met somebody and then somebody around them is going to say something like, I use my, that was Jewish guy. You know what I mean? Like, and then they're going to maybe repeat things to them. Like, oh, yeah, that's what the Jews always do. And then that, it's not the blind person just is going to, oh, I can't see, therefore I can't have a perceived prejudice. I'm sure it cuts down on racism because, yeah, I mean, they're definitely not, because you're not making that snap judgment

as quickly. You might go, oh, that guy is real greedy and he's acting Jewish and therefore he's a Jew. But you'll be more, you'll be more tentative about your racism is what I'm saying. It won't be as quick. You'll have a real, I think actually being blind makes you more of a pure racist. I love that. This was the episode. You're like, I'm not going to say anything. They're not going to get me anymore. And then you just walk into it. It's fine. It's fine. Look, I don't have hate in my heart, but I was saying that I think we, you could really breed a more pure racist culture with blind people. I think they, the best racists actually, just more clear in their racism. Yeah, pure hate because they don't see it. They're like, they're feeling like, oh, I, oh, that's a,

that's this group. I hate them the most. You're saying that that was a Cambodian guy. Now I know what I thought he was an asshole. I got you. Yeah. Interesting. That's so funny that there's somebody right now that's like those fucking Cambodians. Of course, definitely. Hate them the most. The most, the most, the most. You know, when you, they're more like obscure. Not that that's a totally obscure, but the more obscure the, the race of people, that's what highlights how absurd it is. Yeah. The smaller the group and someone being like, they're the worse, the more you go, then that sounds pretty crazy. Those damn Lithuanians. Yeah. Yeah. What do they do again? He's cooking fish outside as a group. Yeah, they're all bad. Yeah, sure.

Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Segura, master of accents. That's a bad accent, by the way. You ever did that fake British? Who did that? Josh Potter? I knew it. He needs to work on it. It's been a while. Thank you Josh. I am the master of accents and there's a new submission that I've been asked to break down. Oh, also I should mention quite quickly, if you must, that my vinyl of mostly stories is in, it's signed. I autographed the first batch of them and they will come with a bikes poster. The first batch comes with a bikes poster. So, if you go to merchmethod.com slash Tom Segura, or you just go to tomsegura.com and you click on

my store, it'll take you and you'll see the merch, the vinyl on sale. What? What's wrong? Nothing. My name is Dr. David Hosbroch, language and information officer at the Center for the Scots Lead in Perth. So far, no problem. I would like to speak about the Scots Lead and its historical spearings. Jesus. Yeah, I got it. And he's in Perth, so it's a double double. Yeah, so he is Dr. David Hosbroch. Just the way he says his last name, like look how it's spelled. Yeah. My name is Dr. Dolvid Hosbroch. Dolvid Hosbroch. Yeah. Language and information officer at the Center for the Scots Lead in Perth. I would like to speak about the Scots Lead and Perth. I'd like to speak about the Scots Lead and its simple historical spearings. Oh,

fuck. Is that the septic toll? Yeah. And its personal spearing? It's spearing with septic, septic tanks that you could throw basically. Yes. Wow. Yeah. Firstly. Firstly. What is Scots? What is Scots? In modern Scotland, Scots is the name for the byleads, gather together. Leather. The other names are Doric, Limes and Scotch for a by. Steric, Scots. Oh, and they're Polly and by. And they're Polly and by. So there's other names for the Scots. They're Derek and they're Polly and they're by. Okay, so far it's easy. Scots is called to a branch of the Germanic family elites and is like its sister tongue, Suthrin, sprung fe the old Angles Lead. Can you imagine? Both old Angles and its daughter Scots has been spoken in Sutherland and Easter

Scotland, the Lawlands, for the 7th century AD. You know what this video ties for is the most boring video too. Yeah, the most boring, most difficult accent. Look at this guy's. You know, you better brush up on your skills before you go to Australia, Gene. This guy looks, you just like this with this same stare when he tells you to suck it, right? Yeah. He's like get down there and you're his mouth looks so dry. Do you understand what this one was? Tell him about the different, the language of where Scots Scots Scots are from. It's all dangles and it's before the bangles and the bangles and the doctor has been spoken in Sutherland and Easter Scotland in Sutherland and Easter Scotland on Easter. Oh, on Easter in Scotland. The Lawlands for the 7th century AD.

That's easy. Seventh century AD. They're mentioned to this lead to be fun, for instance, in the Runic Carvens on the River Cross and the Freishire Baguette in the 8th century AD. He said Baguette like a... Scots. Was that Baguette? Like those delicious breads. No, the Lord of the Rings Bilbo Baggins. Oh yeah, Bilbo Baggins. So he's talking about him though. This thing belonged to Bilbo Baggins. Scots caved in awe in Orkney and Shetland. This is crazy. The Shetland ponies. The Shetlands. I like those. And got to be the most spoken tongue in the Yerts in the 17th and 18th century. There it is. The by-leads of Scots. It was brought to Ulster in Ireland. I'm so boring. I don't know if I can listen to this. 16th century. This is too boring.

All right. Yeah, I know. He really did trump. His accent was trumped by his boredom. When I studied in England and we had to learn about like this kind of thing, like 4th century stone carving. Like I don't think there's anything more boring than looking at 4th century stone carvings. I know. You're like, God, please. You know what the other thing is about those things? Is some parts of you sometimes, like when you're a kid, you go, well, later on in life, this will be valuable. And then sometimes you look at things you were taught and you go 20 years later, you're like, that was as boring as I thought it was. And that was as useless as I thought it was. Yeah. Like when you had to learn. You don't want to hear that shit.

Dates, historical dates, more things happen. I'm like, no. I mean, I'm glad I know these things, but I don't know. Yeah, I don't care. Humans don't care. No. The average person is no. That's what people care about. Moose soup, boat rides, getting your dick sucked, fucking trees. There you go. Fuck this tree with you. So hot. Oh my God. I'm going to fuck this tree later. Yeah. This tree looks like I hate that kind of stuff. It is so fake. She's so fake. Come on. I love that that guy quit mid like first day of work. Well, you can't fake it. Oh, okay. I'm another email. Okay. Okay. I can read it. Hi, Hitler. I sincerely love both of you in the podcast. Okay. That being

said, I seriously cannot stand hearing Christina say that coffee dehydrates you even one more time. It angers me. I know people have thought that since like the 1800s, but if you do a tiny bit of research, you will learn that the dehydration qualities versus the amount of water are far more hydrating than dehydrating. Coffee actually dehydrate, sorry, coffee actually hydrates while making you brown and more alert. Wow. And he writes, Tom, you are forever my water champ. Love, Hitler, parentheses rub. Now, I don't agree with you. I think that show me the research. Well, it's a simple Google search. Well, look, all I've learned when I've ever been on a diet is they consider like caffeinated tea and coffee to be quote negative waters, meaning that they

are dehydrating. Yeah. And you must replenish them. Then how come after I drink coffee, I'm fucking thirsty. Yeah. Thirsty shit. Interesting. You don't fucking say. I know what you're fucking saying. It's a diuretic. It makes you piss. Alcohol, same thing. Do you agree with this guy? Well, I don't know. I mean, I think what he's saying is the amount that you're being dehydrated from maybe the caffeine is outweighed by the amount of water that is in a coffee because a coffee is mostly water, right? That's right. But maybe it's negated because it makes you pee so much and you lose more water. The body loses water, I assume. I would like to see more data. So, so what I rob. God. Do you want to see the like champ? You know, we have the what you know I'm saying champ. Yeah,

they say this is the like champ. That might be me. Like there's like, like we do communication like for like everyone, but like certain guys like are like good at some kind of certain thing. Like, for example, like someone is good at calling Nash. Someone is good at like TP engage. Someone is good at like, everyone like give their opinion. And then if everyone just talk each other and then we just choose what like everyone thinks that is the best, you know, poof. That guy is non-binary for sure, right? Well, yeah, I'm also a like champ. Oh my god, I say like so much. So do I, but he really did an astounding amount, right? Those a lot. Yeah, a lot of likes. Hey, in his defense, I think English is a second language. So maybe

searching for same for you. I guess that's your defense. Oh, look at, look at. Tom, get your move. Soup. You want to zoom in soup? OMG. Tom, come over here and lick my pussy. This makes me really happy. Do you think her pussy looks like an ashtray? Yes. Like gray and colorless. I don't think it gets real ready. I think you can put a lot of stuff on there and keep on licking. And she's still like, you should, you're like, it's pretty dry. She's like, yeah, stays like that. You know what, when I smoke cigarettes that dirty bitch, my, my pallor was always gray. Like it does suck. It like sucks the very nutrition, the oxygen out of you. Yeah, you look gray. Everything just is gray. It's gross. Really bad for you.

She's my new favorite. That's what she says right before she comes. She's like, keep going, keep going. And then her eyes roll back and she goes, OMG. It's so nasty. She nasty. She nasty as hell. Well, this is exciting. So proud. Excited. Amaze. Amaze, amaze, amaze, amaze. Where'd it go? Is it here? There's the fireworks. The greatest of all time, the greatest actor of all time, is a new movie. I mean, I am the king of improv. I feel forgiven by saying so. And we have the trailer. Oh my God, really? Yes. Oh my gosh. Is it on Netflix or? I don't know if it's going to be on Netflix. Maybe it is. Maybe just straight to YouTube. Here it is.

Can we read the Rotten Tomatoes reviews on his films? Yeah. I mean, here's the movie synopsis. Action legend Steven Seagal headlines this explosive thriller that pits U.S. forces against Eastern European Drake Cartel. Oh, great. When crime boss Salazar turns informant, U.S. Marshal Jensen and his team must guard their luxury hotel safe house. But as Cartel underboss, Sinclair, who's played by UFC superstar George St. Pierre, and his hit squads descend to murder Salazar, the situation explodes, enraging Agent Harrison, played by Seagal, who will stop at nothing to root out the mole that compromised the operation. That sounds like a one long set. This sounds like the other every other movie. It's always the drug

guy and then he's got to train the girl to do martial arts to go get the guy in the suitcase. Somebody always lied about who they said they were. I thought this was my party. And then there's a girl, there's always a young girl that he has to rescue from the boss. And he said, teacher, I'd have sex. And he's a teacher. I'd have sex for 50 years. So here it is. Let's go. Cartels. All right. Here's the trailer. This time in Eastern Europe, he never does that. 72 hours ago, my team confirmed location of South. Darkbeard. Very darkbeard. Very dark. Nice and easy. He's like 60 years. It's just jet black. Salazar is not an Eastern European name. P.S. That's Latin, isn't it? Yeah. Salazar,

that's like every drug lord name in every movie. Right. It's a Latin. Yeah. And they're giving it to an Eastern European guy. No way. No way. There's no Ys or Zs or Cs or Js. He's not an Eastern block dude. Again, it's mixed weird. But the sound is mixed weird again. This is a guy too. This guy, I'm sure, learned his lines. And then every day on set, he's like, why is he saying this? He just improvised. He's improvking. But do you hear that the voiceover is mixed lower than the background? They could even do that, right? Can't even hear the voiceover. I don't know why that doesn't matter to somebody on this. You know what I mean? Someone invested their money in making this turd. You would think they'd be like, can you fucking audio mix this right?

He's so enormous. Yeah, but I was going to say he looks good because they put him in a Kevlar vest. Well, yeah, I'm sure. Yeah, that's a fat guy's friend, believe me. Well, you start putting on layers of things and you kind of look like everybody else. I am funded this. The body in the bag is a one Joseph Salazar. We're bringing him to the side. What are you waiting for? So let's go. What? There's a girl. There's a surprise to see me alive. So there's Salazar with the East one. He's Salazar, but he's talking. Everyone is surprised to see me alive. Why are you talking like that? Salazar?

Weirdo. The government should be like Dobrovich or something. Yeah, the government has him. DEA fake his death. So as people would know, we flipped him. Salazar is going to be our star witness for the next 10 years. The cartel wants him. We have to sit him for 24 hours. The cartel's going to be able to exterminate his entire bloodline. I want him dead. That's your St. Pierre. Okay. The fighter, the fighter, but it was, was, can you tell already that that's a bad acting? No, you can't look. I want him dead. And the eyes don't no expression. Yeah. You would say, here's how I do it. I want him dead. Well, at least that right there. I want him dead. They were you barely trying. Do it. Look, I want him dead. That's how you do it. There's some expression.

Right. But this like blanks, look at this blank stare. Look at the eyes. I want him dead. I want him dead. They're like, do it more angry. I want him dead. W NBC. Oh wait, what's that? No, that was the Shars of Sunset where she was like, Oh singing. She's like, yeah, yeah. She's like, I'm on the sunset line. Yeah. Me and my friends are on the, I forget it was. Yeah. She was like, in LA. Yeah. Can you say it with more enthusiasm? She's like, I am singing. No, he's like, no, but sing it. She's like, I'm going to LA. He's like, you don't sing much. She's like, it's all I do. He's like, Oh, it's terrible. So can I tell you though? Honestly, I'm kind of liking the storyline. So they fake the drug lord's death so that he can be flipped for America. Right. And now the

cartel's after his whole family. That's not a bad prep after him and his whole bloodline. So I kind of like the premise is a solid premise. I like those masks. Could be interesting or terrifying. But why do we want to save the drug lord's family and everything? Why do we care? Because now he's on the good people side. So we have to maintain his good faith. Okay. Okay. I'm on board. I got a minute. I want him dead. I want him dead. It's funny how all these movies always have a female either DA, FBI, US Marshall, some agent who's like unusually attractive for that line of work. I've seen some federal officers and our females. They don't look like that usually. Not ever. Or doctors too. You'll like Catherine

Heigl is the doctor. You're like, no, that's not what my doctors have ever, ever looked like. No, not a doctor. No, never. See that woman, she didn't need to go to medical school. So she didn't go. Of course not. But only one man. Who the hell are you? I'm the guy you should have called when you were trying ways and protect him. When they call me in a game joke, when they call me, you're going to live or you're going to die. Wait a minute. It's time to finish. When you call me, you're going to live or you're going to die. Well, then why call him? Because you want the answer to be, you're going to live. Right. But that's also kind of a, philosophically, you can make that statement about everyone, whoever you ever call, or whoever talks to you.

Who's going to protect you. You're going to live or you're going to die. Yeah. That makes sense. Right. But they're calling him. He's like, I'm the guy you should have called first to clean this mess up. When you call me, you're going to live or you're going to die. Well, oh shit. I don't want to live. Yeah. I want to live. Can you rephrase it? By the way, they're doing them favors with these shots. Yes. Because you're leaving out the hushy. Oh boy. You see? Oh, yeah. And also layer. See leather, a thick leather jacket. Turtle neck. That's also a fat guy friend. Yeah. Collar shirt. Like I know. And the yellow glasses, we're back on the yellow sunglasses. He wears them on screen and off. It's not flattering. It's not, it's not a good look. Jet black here. Jet jet black, dark, dark, dark,

dark. He looks, he looks like the crazy guy at the top of the show. Yeah. The Hillary Clinton had sex with. Yeah. Yeah. Hillary Clinton ate his ass out. Right. Right. That's wild that she did that. Wild story. I can't believe Sikler hasn't told that story yet. Hey, Ryan, why don't you tell that story? Hang on. God. Please bombard him with tweets. Seriously, Hillary Clinton ate your ass out. You're gonna call me in one sideways. You can protect him. When they call me in a joke, when they call me, you're gonna live or you're gonna die. It's time to finish. Well, which is it? Let's go. And this doesn't sound mixed either. No, it's terrible. Can you turn it up actually so I can hear the voiceover more? Yeah. And he does, did you see his mark? Wait, this is his

martial arts. He was doing Tai Chi. He was like this baby with his fingerless gloves. He went, yeah, that was how he got ready to fight. He did like a, it's not even. There it is. Yeah. Are you ready? He's super happy. He's got his thumbs out of his gloves. His thumbless glove. It's so silly. And he called me. You're gonna live. He's gonna die. You can protect him. When they call me in a joke, when they call me, you're gonna live or you're gonna die. That's an improvised line. Yeah. He got sequence. Yeah. It was, it said something and he was like, I got it. I got it. Stephen said he got it. And then the producer's like, God damn it. I just, he doesn't want to memorize. Yeah, of course. He's like, I

get to just do this. It's lazy. So you do like an audition. You're like, I got the idea. And these title cards are made on a Mac, definitely. Like, isn't this a standard? Yeah, yeah. This is on your Apple right now. Finish. Let's go get what they started. Okay, shooting. Oh, there it is. Blueban pointed this out to me. You know, the trailer is obviously supposed to highlight the best moments of your film. And they clearly leave in a dummy, like a falling. This is clearly a dummy. Shut up. Yeah, you have to watch it. You can't obviously, but if you, if you're watching the trailer at 121, they're dropping a clear dummy. Oh my God, you're right. It looked light. And it's like, it's Hanzer. Yeah, you wouldn't put that in the trailer, would you? No, you just cut

it faster so that people can't tell, but you get to see it. A lot of action. Wow. It's exhausting. It doesn't end until I see a dead man in a budget bag. Okay, well, allow me. Steven Seagal, George St. Pierre, and Luke Goss. This one looks like they might have spent like $20,000 on. Yeah, you know, step up. I'm going to give him some credit here. I think this one might not be such a, such a piece of shit. I mean, it's still bad. It's a piece of shit, but it's not the worst. Yeah, this is not the worst. Oh, that's the name of the movie, Cartels. Yeah, that's what I said. Cartels. Cartels. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. Yeah, I wish there would have been.

Ate my asshole. It's so weird, Ryan, when you tell us about that. I know. Both my legs over her shoulders. Yeah, it's really crazy. She made me do copious amounts of cocaine with her. There was so much kicky punching in this, though, that I feel, I have a hint. I feel like the story will get lost. Oh, you think so? It might suffer a little. Kicky punch, kick, kick, kick. Yeah. So much kicky and shooty punching. It's a lot. God. That was a lot. Yeah. And she was numb sucking my asshole. To Ryan's. Numb sucking. To the point of it, it gets numb. You keep sucking on the sand. I got it. So now picture Hillary Clinton just sucking over and

over on that guy's bottle. So great. I didn't know she was even into like cocaine and. I know. She doesn't seem like that kind of a lady. You don't think so? Let's take of all the bullshit she had to deal with Bill all these years. Well, she's probably meant a puzzle at this point, not interested in sex a whole lot. Do you think at this point she's like, do your thing. I don't care anymore. Yeah. Other separate lives. They have been since the Lewinsky scandal for sure. You think so? If not before then, she knew he was a fucking, a real POS before. She's put up with it for decades. Decades. She knew. She knew about it. She knew everything. She's like, whatever. It's the price I pay for being married to power. To power. They're a total house of farts, you know.

Yeah. Yeah. But do you think that he's like, um, he's gonna go to the store and she's like, I know where you're fucking going. Yeah. Why lie? Yeah. I don't fucking this chick. And he's like, Hey, you know, actually, I was out, I was walking around and this lady invited me over for moose soup. I'm gonna go. You mind? She's like, go do what you got to do. God, you insatiable pig. I couldn't imagine being in a relationship with somebody like that. I would have a very hard time. I would hate that. How do people do that? It's the power dynamic. It's power. Yeah. Maybe it's house of farts. House of farts. House of farts. Come down later for moose soup. Um, all right. I got to get going, Jean. Anything else?

Got anything to mention? No, I love you. I love you too. I got, um, let's see. Ben Solo submitted this song. It's called sharpening the knife. Um, so. Uh-oh. I know who that's gonna be about. Yeah. Please, uh, come see a show. Tom, cigarette.com, thousand range.com, your mom's house, podcast.com. Thank you guys as always for listening. See you next week. Bye, Jean. The knife. So the whole key is way simple. You get the oil. We call it the baby oil. There you are. Baby oil. And you put it in. Uh, and now you put the penis to warm it. You mean in the toilet, you warm them up. You get a hot towel. Okay. And you make it warm. And you put it here. Make sure all the blood flow. Now, now, now you get the penis out. Now you get the penis out.

Now you get the penis out. Yeah. You put the skin. A lot of people, they never, they never put the skin. You put the skin and you get the oil in the hand and you rub. Hand go like this. Rub, rub, hand, hand go like this. Rub, rub, hand go like this. Rub, rub, rub, hand go like this. Rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, especially on the plan penis. I think my throw-up.

Chop, chop, sharpening, the knife. Feel time form, feel time back, feel time down. So do it until you feel offensive. Do it until you feel offensive. So throw it up. You have to do everyday until you can control. Everyday, you have to do everyday until you can control. Every day, every day, every day, every day.

Especially on the Kalem Chinus. Especially on the Kalem Teamus. Especially on the Kalem Teamus. Especially on the Kalem Teamus. We have to do everyday. We have to do every day. Shaftines. We have to do every day.

Shaftines. We have to do everyday. Shaftines. What's the throw-out? And the answer is a resounding yes. Oh boy.