Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 407-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: August 2, 2017

We want you guys to orgasm all the time, even when you hug someone or shake their hand or just stand up. That's our mission and we hope this episode guides you to the forbidden place where we live.  We have some great listener emails this episode PLUS a dad boner that gives Canadian highway dad a run for his money.  And a white girl that uses BIG WORDS prompts a debate - Do you ever accept white people doing that?  Wait til you hear Kim Ahn and Mr. Rub Rub Rub together. 

thank you for listening to the show thank you as always for going to your mom's house podcast dot com shopping on amazon through our amazon banners we have a u.s amazon banner a u k amazon banner and a canadian amazon banner anytime you buy whatever you were gonna buy through that banner on amazon gives a little kickback to support the show and we greatly appreciate it i mentioned mentioned during the show that we have

some new items in the store if you go to merchmethod.com slash tom segura um there are a bunch of new things new sub cane new moose soup lady um and what we're very very excited about and reveal during the show another new shirt we had to put it up it was just timely and perfect and i will tell you i'll just give you a little hint rough rough rough it's up there so bits he's all into it all right check it out enjoy the show thank you as always

for listening we'll see you next week your mom's house podcast come for the moose soup stay for christina's sourdry personality there you go that was very rude welcome who created that that is jake blazer he's a voiceover artist he certainly is i have a few i have a a great a bunch of submissions of his i'm good they're good well he's outstandingly talented but i'm not sure i approve of the message why not

there's a bunch of his coming in here you're gonna be impressed by i'll give you i'll give you a taste of one more your mom's house podcast where the black people yell louder and the white people fart harder oh i like that yeah what an astute observation too it's funny i never would have like written that but you know well there you go it's pretty funny yeah the whites do fart harder here they do hey speaking of did you hear my fart last night at two in the morning

no babe i didn't i was asleep at two o'clock in the morning i know you didn't hear the baby crying it's weird how men don't seem to hear infant crying but uh baby was howling and i went down there i came back and i let out such a huge fart and i was really hoping to wake you up at that point well did i no of course not not that i could tell i don't just ignore the cries i obviously don't hear the farts either so and i thought i had to shit last night at two in the morning which i that's your move yeah that is my move

it's also a good story because this morning i woke up to you you know last night i thought i was going to shit at two in the morning but i didn't i was like okay why do you want me to hold my stories from you i thought we're married that's the whole point is that we share now you're right we are we're married we're two mommies one gene yeah don't forget we're definitely one yeah that's what that's why we share a pair yeah absolutely wait so how's our how's our dogs butthole our dogs butthole yeah they're running

the test that they that they run for for itchy buttholes is that right yeah they do a urine analysis because they they think that it could be that her vag is bothered and it looks like it's her butthole okay so they're doing that they have a fecal sample now they test for like parasites to see if that's what's what's bugging it and then they already did the actual anal expression in the exam to see if there was something that stood out did they ask you to lick it and taste it yeah they said

and it's funny that vet goes i also need to examine you at the same time and i was like that's weird why he goes well a lot of times like the owner and the pet it's like super advanced theory but they could be you know yeah mimicking each other and i said this is above my pay rate okay go go for it man so he did he he fingered he fingered and he expressed your anal glands so how'd that feel felt great felt great did he did was it now the vet that you saw today was it was it the zimzur one or was it

the other one no no no it was a do to oh are you presuming or are we straight up well i am presuming but it is yeah yeah what's your pronoun he identified as male yeah i think i know is he like yeah kind of kind of sloppy goofy kind of sweet guy yeah i guess is he crazy about brussels grafan i mean he he he didn't specify that he was definitely really sweet with her with bits yeah because i when i brought her in there to get her anal glands expressed about a month ago there was like a sloppy ploppy endearing

vet and yeah he was really into her yeah he's like oh my god i never see the brussels i'm like i know they're special rare like me my personality hello hello hello um did he tell you what she was thinking no that is my pet peeve though i know that is one of my like my ultimate pet peeves i can't believe i haven't taken it on stage yet i mean that's gotta be my i think i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna shoot this special in a few weeks yeah and then my next hour is going to be called what your dog is thinking

well what's she's thinking what do you think bitsy's thinking well you know um your dog is feeling a little sad a little anxious but also hopeful uh and this is something we've observed in dogs for years it's like hopeful and then did your dog did the dog report that to you when it did the the list the check off list well she's a gemini did she tell you that yeah the birth month yeah yeah so yeah cancer leaning uh you know it was great about fifo so you took bitsy separately to the vet and fif was left behind and i thought for sure

fif would be like really upset you know like why it is busy she didn't give a shit yeah was like oh you're gone great and just that surprised didn't feel a lick of anxiety usually he's got major anxiety yeah he's such a mental case yeah fifo but didn't didn't give one shit the bitsy was gone i know you guys are doing good i just pulled that one because i realized that's my i think that's my favorite part of the whole thing you think that's your favorite i think so i think it's you guys are doing good and she says it twice right it's grammatically incorrect

yeah well i believe is the superlative that makes me crazy you think she's really into you guys are doing good yeah there's there's all kinds of great stuff i like when she goes dirty bitch yeah is that what she says dirty yeah son of a dirty bitch that's so weird yeah it's it's weird oh dirty son of a yeah omg omg you guys are doing good she's the best yeah she's awesome don't forget your moos soup shirts are now for

sale got now later for moos soup we have the shirt actually have a big announcement in the store we don't normally do this but i'll save it for during the show let's get the show started normally we don't do and then we get shitty later all right let's start our show let's go here oh and welcome to another episode of your mom's house okay here we go hi melanie scabio with ecstatic hearts tantra we just want to share that there are many ways to orgasm you don't actually have to be having sex

and orgasm just from hugging who is right don't bring anyone loving to this don't burn me in the fucking stand welcome welcome welcome to your mom's house with tom segura talk to susan and christina pageant christina pageant welcome to your mom's house you guys are doing good she's your your first grade teacher oh my god can i tell you how much i hate

anybody that engages in any form of tantra oh my god this shit really gets under my skin me too i hate how happy they are i hate how expressive they're fucking misguided faces look uh and and i i really hated the fucking orgasm it was so stupid it wasn't an orgasm big faker shaking and like oh oh oh oh my god that hug fuck you man fuck you is right yeah why i feel like i hate them and they look by they look like tantra practice yeah that's the

thing is that there's always a look yeah i'm doing that thing so sensual that's the new like i like i like fucking what are you doing you're putting your tongue over your teeth that's like the maria omg maria face that's that's like i feel like that's the version now of like i like it mouth a little open it's always the same dough-eyed you know pie-eyed kind of dopey like they just need something between two

eight years something like that yeah he's a wreck he's right but who do you think introduced her she's like that's amazing now well that's a thing come when you hug yeah these are these are lost souls people who haven't found christ but they find the tantric horseshit you know what i mean like it they're one seminar away from giving 20 of their income to scientology like they're just they're right if they just took a different door you know but they're they're finding tantra my my guess is that most people who sign up for

come hugging don't get what they signed up for yeah i bet most people are like i don't know i i keep hugging but i'm still not coming and then they're like you just he's got to let it go more and then it's basically like speaking in tongues in these you know pentecostal churches where it's like how'd that happen and they're like well that guy's kind of throwing a little extra spice on that oh the whole hell yeah there's a little hot sauce on that you might not know about and it's called faking it schizophrenic yeah you're you got to

buy into the kool-aid you have to drink it all to get on board yeah the whole body can be orgasm especially when you start reaching out to see um everything can be okay the ear come over the heart keep coming touching your body all over eating look at this asshole it's like all i do is come on this woman all day every day do you think they have small children at home these types no look uh no these people have nothing in their

lives that is not from hold them down get so much free time like how much free time to be able to engage in tantrum nothing but nothing but time yeah yeah look at him look how hard he's nutting but do you think he's really nutting in his shorts no no i'm sure is it a dry rub like the rub rub guy well that's that is there that would help but i don't think that's what's happening but no but he says you can have an orgasm inside the rub rub well i've got yeah he you can and i don't

i don't doubt that but yeah i don't doubt that but you know what's the the problem with all this stuff is you know i am happy when people find happiness in in horseshit like this but if they're paying money to go to a seminar 100 percent they're paying and it's like a thousand dollars a day to learn how to come hug rough yeah it's like oh fuck don't stop taking advantage of these poor souls who just need jesus that's how they make

their money taking advantage of people who are like it'd be great to come when i hug if only there were a seminar i could pay a thousand dollars i'm all alone when i come i could come in public i probably make my day way better i mean honestly i'm thinking about that too that would be great if i'd be like you mean i can just start giving hugs and i'll start coming yeah that'd be great but of course i'm there's the part of my brain that goes oh that's not happening you're not going to do that of course well and also don't

you think it's really messy you could have come in your pants all day oh yeah it's not and that happens every time you hug you can hug your mom hug your mom your dad like that okay okay well what if that's the gift is that you can come hug but it's everybody it's indiscriminate come hugging so you hug your mother hello you're coming your dad you're coming now you can also hug you know josh potter you're gonna go retarded i think his phrasing is just i'd go retarded it's so fucking amazing

okay but but listen you like the feature of the come hug but it has to be indiscriminate that's a problem that's a real problem yeah it's what i'm gonna keep not coming when i hug because i do want it to be discriminated but you like the come hug is what i'm saying i do like the concept of a come hug right yeah so would you rather have the come hug but it's indiscriminate all the time yeah whoever i have all my friends i come on ryan i come on arie full charge joe

yeah all of them every time i hug him i come on yeah you say hi to ali the comedy star jesus come or be retarded i mean it's a real simple i'd i'd go retarded yeah i might be retarded for sure yeah what would you do well a woman's orgasm is a little more discreet and i won't have a load in my pants yeah but you'd have i don't see my relatives there would be that thing where people be like what's you have to deal with every time before they go and like what's going on you have to be like you give me a second like you have to finish

coming as they go like oh no their hands would go like all right like everything all right and their hands kind of back off of you and you go yeah so um good to see you and then they're i don't know because they would and everybody would feel like they'd be like it's a little presumptuous to think she just came in my arms right but they would think something's wrong with you right but i could lie and tell them that i'm having seizures and it's induced by touch

it's a touch seizure they won't nobody will know now here's the one problem because i don't see family who cares my mom's dead i'll never hug her but hugging my son that's the problem oh yeah that'll that's a lifetime of come hugs with our boy i can't do that that's not cool and that's true that's the one reason i choose retarded just for that yeah otherwise i would come hug i don't care god damn i just wouldn't hug people as much i guess yeah i guess so right yeah hey can you move my camera up a little can i move your camera up a little

i feel like my the top of my head's being cut off oh it moved yeah i didn't do that when did that happen i have no idea yeah right because my head looks like it's being cut off it's odd i didn't touch that camera maybe accidentally it was moved bumped whoa yeah right omg you're doing good you're doing real good uh oh yeah oh it's way better god that was weird how did that happen no omg clue oh that one i moved for that's

deep row so make sure that that's framed right omg no it's about right yeah that's cool yeah okay i want to get your movesuit that's really weird man i mean unless elis was in here now we're back now we're here all right you guys are doing good okay aren't you glad i mean of all the stations in life to be born into that that that wasn't your your mom you know oh my god

that's such a crapshoot it's such a crapshoot who you're born to and where when i think about that when i think about how blessed i am that i was born in like i wasn't well yeah you know close enough to america yeah i could have been it could have been fucking really nuts that but you would also think that that's normal for a long time i know i was reading something on the internet about people in hong kong who live in coffin apartments have you seen this shit no it's like it's like you know people that drive cabs or our security guards and

can't afford the cost of living in hong kong yeah they pay something like 300 a month and they live in what are basically like 125 square feet coffins it's terrible and their tv their you know toilet their kitchen sink everything is in one narrow rectangle and they sleep in it they do everything it's so horrible and then you start thinking yourself yeah but why don't you just live somewhere else why don't you move to not hong kong and go live where there's more space and

cost of living is cheaper dude people just love this you know but that's the same thing that people do in uh and i feel like in new york especially yeah that's true it's just like to go i don't care i will live i will pay to live here i don't care what's inside the squalor well the whole being that you'll improve your you know your income level and you'll eventually not have five roommates or that the whole thing for you is that the value is based on living in in that area it is yeah again but you're in new york city well that's true maybe hong kong's the same

you're like i want to move on up like the fucking jefferson so this is um from the description on this video by the way we were watching a study revealed that one in three women have trouble reaching orgasm during sex other research revealed that eight out of ten women fake it meet the lucky couple who have an orgasm from hugging husband and wife can orgasm through anything from lovemaking breathing dancing to the weather conditions there from texas they have full body orgasms that last as long as 18 hours they're so connected if one of them has an orgasm in the same room without touching

the other automatically does as well okay and the married couple of eight years believes that anyone can learn to do this okay other have there been scientific tests so no other than like experiments verifying these facts i don't think so i think this is a lot of acting lies yeah lies acting it's just like the gaze yeah it is like the gaze i wish you and i were that connected why don't we have no i'm good that's too much connection tantra or is it tantra tantra tantra is it is it tarot readings or tarot great question well i listen to these you know nut bags on hay house radio sometimes and they have people that talk to angels and people that talk to dogs and stuff pet psychics i love it and sometimes

they do say it that way they're like the tarot is calling your name tarot five dollars a minute and you're like okay i know it's not tarot a it's terrible by the way bonjour ça va i have to say thank you merci to montreal i was in montreal this week did you have putain's i had a little biter too yeah that shit is delicious it is delicious did you have a waffle like i told you to i did not have a waffle but i had um i had delicious food i had a great great show at olympia and then i also went to uh hampton beach which the fun thing about a tour like this where i've gone extensively touring to so many places is hitting cities where you're like you have no expectations you have low expectations because you're like i've never even heard of this i was so confused by hampton beach

new hampshire i thought i was going to the hamptons that's what i would have thought yeah all i know is not la i know that's what you think i still i still don't like where show was crazy there then wilmington delaware had no i know where delaware is one of the 13 original colonies didn't have a clue where it was i mean i knew it was the northeast that was all i knew yeah i've heard of it and then balls and whores maryland yeah went fucking off man just so you know i mean if you're at that show in my estimation for just as far as like fun and reaction from the crowd that had to be a top five show on this tour that's awesome and ryan was there sickle cell went up there he did his thing stuff like that uh josh potter yeah they um that yeah they were great

they were fantastic but the the crowd was so fucking hyped you know and that's honestly that's all comics are ever looking for like when they go time i loved it and you're like why did you love that show because the the fucking show was great yeah because the crowd was great yeah they're on board they get it there's no judgment there's no you know booing from the moment fucking you know it's like from the moment you walk out you know yeah if if on if if two seconds in you're like oh god this is going to be crazy i know it was like that so anyways thank god what a blessing in the skies yeah it was nice yeah because sometimes like i don't i mean i can't look at this tour and be like that show was well actually there's a couple

where i was like poof and i don't i feel like they didn't know how bad i thought the show was which is good you don't want to tell them i thought this was terrible yeah but there was a couple where i was like jesus but there's some that were really fucking crazy amazing yeah like there was mont clare new jersey i never thought i never i never heard of that place i didn't think that would i know that was another one where i was like i've never even heard of this place but it was a jam jam in seattle which i've heard of and i think that town those shows were fucking they're always jamming on the one they were pretty crazy always jam on the one i got really lucky chicago so always jam on one uh my special taping that first cry was fucking bananas what a what a

luck i'm watching because i'm editing it all now and you're like they those fuckers stood up the minute i got out there like they gave me a standing ovation just standing it was crazy it was so lucky what if what a fortune fortuitous event if that's the right word i don't know you know it never goes down like that stand up you get a show like that once every that's what i'm that's what i'm saying right and when you have one of those at a taping you're like come on you're fucking like oh my lightning in a motherfucking tantric bottle yep you just want to keep hugging and coming all you want to do hugging and coming hugging and coming can i uh i tell you what our toddler son did today yeah quick rundown yeah so this morning uh you were running around doing stuff and i was

taking care of our son by ourselves because our nanny our beloved amaze nanny is visiting relatives in Guatemala so we are nanny less it's just the two of us real people how can we survive working stiffs and uh i mean look we're up at the crack of six yeah we're at the playground i'm chasing this kid he runs off into fields we come home uh he's flipped over the dog water bowl there's water everywhere he's sloshing around dog water hands he takes and then he strips down he's in his dye dye rips his diet for off pisses in the playroom just pisses on one of his toys like that walker toy like he's hiding behind it and then all of a sudden i see all this water i'm like are you pee and then and then he does it again come back and like 10 minutes later he's

like pulling down that dye dye pisses right on the tile sounds like he wants to piss into something right yeah he does so i think that's what the sign is so i showed him the toilet and i explained to him like hey you tell me you tell him one more fucking time i will crack your fucking jaw if you ever yeah you do that or no yeah and your penis is dirty and wrong yep it's disgusting the rule that's how i've heard to do it you tell him you do this one more fucking time you're gonna catch the back of my hand yep yep you know my nana uh in hungary my hungarian nana used to tie my uncle to the toilet like tie him with a rope to the toilet train him do you think that's cool no i think he might have he might have bathroom issues today you think she also dressed him up

like a girl until he was five oh yeah yeah i'm sure he's fine they were really good at child development sounds like in the old world yeah yeah isn't that nuts though that that's kind of what that is what they assume like you're born with an adult brain in a baby body yeah it doesn't make like how can they even assume that and i think that for the most part it seems like every generation does way better right than the last one well theoretically yeah but like our parents generation there is good and bad in it but they're way better than the generation than my nana who's a total barbarian my dad said that he had a pretty like they had a good relationship you know the parents but it was also like pretty formal you know it was like you know he said like they would

they would show affection but he would also i think he would say like yes sir and um he said one time in college it was you know there's senior week so seniors go to a beach town let's say to to celebrate essentially that they're going to graduate he wanted to go his junior year and he said i want to go to i don't know whatever beach it was willmington beach to sell you know for senior week and his dad said i wish you wouldn't do that and that was the end of the conversation big fight huh well he said like a big argument there was no such thing as being like what the fuck dad of course it was just understood that that means no no and so he just was like okay you respect your elders children should be seen and not heard which i mean the formality you see now

in top dog because his idea of lounge wear is khakis on a sunday and loafers like he doesn't he has zero chill button yeah isn't that wild yeah but that is chill for him he thinks that's super chill yeah khakis loafers belt won't you wear something comfortable button i am comfortable i am comfortable it blows me away every time when he's over at the house on a sunday and you're like dude even at home at his own house he would wear that a button down tucked in khakis and you're like why don't you want to wear sweat pants or something you know like something real loud yeah i like that that's so weird yeah yeah he doesn't like it our kiddo's on full tilt he was laughing that's what they're supposed to do right they're supposed to be

uh little you know naughty puppies that's the point yeah he's having a blast yeah he's he's doing what he's supposed to be doing he's just makes makes a mess our kitchen is a fucking your mom's house podcast was that a fart or did you just come in your grandpa's old crusty hands time for some funnel cake yum that's amazing that's great that was so good that was so good yeah god i'm really dazzled by that welcome to your mom's house podcast with your host the really fun engaging and well hydrated tom sagura and the full titted not as fun christina p there you go that's not cool that is cool it's not nice yeah the full titted yeah god they do get bigger every year how's that possible i don't know they're so big though hey mommy can i get a grande

vanilla latte thanks jeans it's very good thanks jane's he did uh hey mommy just glassy you ask you ask you ask you ask you ask you ask you just nice i like it yeah he did um a rogan style oh hello moose soup drinkers you know that that's rogan style like yeah because he does his monkey thing and goes hello freak bitches oh yeah yeah it's yeah so he didn't move supers that's hilarious yeah um all day all night your mom's house podcast with tom and christina they got moose soup and everything that's a good stinger here's one this is one of my favorites your mom's house podcast you might leave here wishing you were retarded that's magic so that's good jake thanks

very much thank you jake that was great oh nice nose picking our son has picked it up too what am i supposed to do i mean that it's so aggressive i don't know but there's a lot of stuff in there i gotta get it out you know how you enjoy your body functions like you're the only person i know that's like oh i don't you love a good sneeze like no not really like you really relish your body functions like oh i just took the best pee or i just like the biggest shit or i just yeah i don't the only thing i really excuse me like i like taking a dump but that's more about relieving discomfort for me i don't really enjoy it yeah but i like picking my nose like that's my one thing and i'm like oh i love picking well everybody picks you know everybody picks they

do everybody picks you think so yeah i think so you think everyone's lying that says that they're not who doesn't pick their nose at some point they might do it discreetly they might do it really privately but no one doesn't clean their nose out you have to you have to of course yeah you're a little more of a savage about i am you know at one point my step sister we were driving around and she was like stop picking your nose when we were like 17 she's like she goes that's too much too much picking i'm like i can't stop it i know i've seen you at times where i'm like that's a lot man that's that's a lot you know it is but i enjoy myself welcome to your mom's house podcast your favorite place to see tom sagura laugh at a man getting his legs crushed by a moving vehicle

speaking of that god there's uh this have you seen this one this came in this is a video someone submitted i don't know but she's screaming really loud at the beginning she's in a hospital gown on a moped with i don't know if that's a neck brace on or something being so nice to her i tell my dad this is his exit up here okay okay you tell him he said that behind me what is wrong with people she screams as she drives away does not sound like amy sideris it does like a character she

would do right yeah that's amazing the world is so fucked up man i'm telling you and i know this because now that i go to the playground and i see other parents with their kids and you go oh that's why you change is everything you guys are fucking idiots and you're raising idiots and there's more fucking idiots and everybody's all worried about you know which kindergarten you send your kid to which preschool to get a leg up it doesn't matter because most of people are are retards yeah most of the world is full of fucking idiots there's a lot of idiots out there yeah if you're a decent human you're above you don't need to send them to a fucking Montessori school so do you find it funny when she's screaming like that or no

i'm more it makes me sad for humanity like i don't i don't i see i get real bummed out when she's screaming like that yes why because she should know better like i get upset with humanity because she should never she shouldn't be on her moped yeah clearly clearly she's still in her hospital yeah i mean but i like her yeah that's pretty funny yeah it is pretty funny yeah no i like it yeah yeah that's pretty great that's a good scream god we're doomed that's a good scream ah and you know she's just doing it for attention you think so i mean yeah um

here's an email we got can you spit on tp is it okay to to spit on toilet paper then wipe your b-hole no i am in the denver airport bathroom waiting for your response are you are you still there now waiting waiting i'm a hundred percent yes on that i thousand percent no on in a public setting i mean obviously not at home but here's a simple workaround i mean it's just kind of grody to spit and then wipe your ass with your own spit it's just grow it's just gross but i'm saying it's a bad if you're sitting in a public bathroom where you don't have a sink near you you don't have a beverage with you well well here's what i'm telling you is that bring in you've you've mentioned this yeah bring the water bottle in well i'm saying you know

i'm saying you don't have it like you just didn't have it yeah and you're feeling dirty no yeah you need something to clean up man i'm a hundred percent i would rather dry rub it a thousand times than spit it's just why i'm just opposed to spitting in toilet paper and rubbing it on my asshole i just i would rather dry rub it and you know i i i so gross you can loosen some of that dry mess up man with the with the spit and it's your own spit i just i don't know for i've done it many times i didn't i didn't you know i i didn't do it i started doing it a year or two ago because your dad taught you that no it was my uh brother-in-law one of them mentioned that i was like oh gross and then i was like oh yeah that makes a lot of sense started doing it it's really

so thankful for cousin fucking hey hitlers i just listened to 406 decided to pull him high and tight and drop a note i've been married to my first cousin for 23 years we have three normal offspring say with all the normal bits and pieces i wouldn't date my mom but i would marry my mom's sister's daughter just like the gays before breeding we had all the testing done see to make sure we weren't going to have any tards all the families supported us i can't imagine sharing my trip with anybody else thanks for making an unbearable job slightly less unbearable mouth kisses all around jason i told you cousin fucking is it's genetically okay no it's no that is that is incorrect i got you this camera is not good enough you got to move it to the can i move it

what is going on it's just not working maybe it's uh moving because look i'm out of frame again isn't that weird yes and it actually zoomed oh my omg what's happening oh it's trying to focus or it's it's oh oh my gosh no i zoomed it out right i don't know why i think when we play clips it's trying to focus on this or something it's just not is oh my gosh omg i don't know what's going on sorry about that anyway back to cousin fucking now you have it completely wrong when you say it's okay no he's telling me he has children that are genetically fine he got all the testing done sure because like most people don't have to have all the testing them before they decide to start

breeding sure the so he's at a much higher risk for having those genetic abnormalities and i would say this guy is in the smallest percentage of people who go we should do that before we reproduce when they are first cousins okay it definitely causes abnormalities oh yeah i mean i don't know i don't know i heard somewhere especially in relation to royal marriages that they were married cousins frequently in royal families like way back in the days no they do what i'm saying is that but they don't have a lot of tards in in the royal families they have more genetic issues health problems than those who do not reproduce within the same genetic family but it's not it's not a for sure tarred town it's not for sure tarred town but it's also not it's

your higher probability for having some type of health problem right right like dog breeding of course you want to vary the genetic pool i clearly i understand that but i'm saying it's not necessarily a tarred town sentence you're not you're not necessarily sent to tarred town yeah and and what this guy mentioned that they had testing done beforehand i think is probably really smart if you're that is smart if you're a quick deal cousins look call me whatever i don't think marrying your cousins that big deal you guys are doing good both of you i don't think it's that i don't think it's that sacrilege the cousin i didn't i don't have nobody you think it's what i mean i wouldn't fuck my female cousins so i'm opposed to to marrying and and having sex with any of

my first cousins yeah um like that to me one of one was hot yeah it doesn't it doesn't register on the thing to me at all as a possibility but i know that it's also very very common in a lot of cultures so yes i'm just saying that i think i think more people should be doing what he's doing and get and getting more testing yeah to make sure tarred town isn't inevitable yeah um hey now dick twins oh sorry i don't know if you wanted to see this one oh okay dick yeah i was listening to latest podcast with yoshi can i tell you what that burp was so feeble it was like why do it into the mic if you're not even gonna follow it it was weak i'll give you that yeah why would you do that i want to send some light send some light on this topic uh of identical twins having identical

penises i am a twin i could tell you that my brother and i do in fact have different size penises on vacation my brother had too much to drink and passed out on the couch in his underwear my ex-girlfriend who was on vacation with us went into the living room and was straight glassing at his apple bag later on when i discussed it with her she described my brother's situation as a large head shorter shaft hanging above two coconuts however my setup is a normal head average shaft and two regular sized balls i hope this information information helps you with your debate next time in your in your in new york come by for some moos soup sincerely mike ps tom is the personality champ sorry tina

how's this happening i don't know it's the camera just wants to get close to me i'm so beautiful today but this is crazy right yeah we'll have to have blue band fix it fucking a man wait so these twins are identical correct not oh my omg not fraternal right yeah so they're dicks now here's my my question with those dick detectives go ahead is uh he's talking about a flaccid drunk penis versus an erect you know and i understand the the head of the penis that's a big that is a difference in aesthetic thing you know but i wonder if the size one when erect is the same well this guy um we did he didn't he said they don't have you know when the question being into twins have identical penises he didn't say whether they were fraternal or identical twins see that's but i need i need

identical twins and i'm i'm looking at because i asked i asked i asked fraternal twin ryan sickler different penises okay he's a twin uh-huh different but we haven't asked identical twins yet i really love the scientific uh leanings our show is taken lately i know it's pretty crazy right how to blind people wipe we're really we're really doing a lot of great work man we're doing a lot of great work um wait can i share with you my thoughts of course so i i uh i found chas bono on twitter the other day yeah and i was looking at his whatever feed and i noticed that like he's fully transitioned now i think he has a penis like he's fully fully he's on board and he's on the team yeah i gotta tell you and i mean this i'm not being a shithead yeah i think he's fucking hot

really i you know me where did you see this image just google google image chas bono 2017 okay wait is it yeah it's chas that's his name now chas and i gotta tell you that i you know me i like bears i like him i like big guys yeah stalky and he looks i think he's hot i think he did a great job whoever did whatever work he looks great look at him yeah he looks great i know i like no that's too i like him with facial hair yeah see there he's cute yeah look he's got a good face looks good man and a lot of times when women see this is like he's cute when women transition they don't always look masculine enough yeah but he's lucky i think the weight actually makes him look more oh i like that picture that was cute yes he's cute yeah it looks

like a regular dude yeah it looks really good his face is really good for a man his transition is like quite impressive actually oh my gosh i mean you know they're always like you're always or at least you know generally speaking um it's usually about women they're like that looks like oh my gosh you can fool you right yeah yeah you don't really see it as much with the other way like when a woman transition that's what i'm saying it's so hard for us to get bulkier to get yeah to look masculine but his features are really really really good yeah there's no way if you ran into this dude you'd be like hey were you a woman before no you would never think that and the weight helps i think yeah fill him out yeah and oh see there's a picture of him with his

shirt off like sitting in shorts and stuff yeah he looks great look at that you would never know that that was a woman dude he looks fantastic that it used to be a woman sorry yes that's what that he was a woman before i mean it looks great true so anyway i just it already changed i don't understand what's going on i don't know what's happening um okay i gotta tell you this because normally we don't do this okay normally when when we have um like a a shirt launch we've had a few in recent weeks uh completely normal came back to netflix so we did we released a new version of sub cane as like a celebration where i partnered with dosprac i think i don't know what to say his name right on um on on instagram he's a great artist and then i we did moose soup because

it was so timely but then we got this unbelievable submission for a shirt design and i have to uh make sure i i say correctly the credit for it so this shirt design was so funny that i was like yeah we we absolutely have to to do that and the guy's name here we go is uh mark glass so he's he's totally glass and mark glass um he has let's see designed by humans dot com he did rub rub rub the rub rub rub shirt i've seen i laughed so hard at this design that i was like we we're just gonna put it up so it's up there if you go to merge method dot com slash tom are you serious we made this shirt yeah immediately oh my god yeah and all right how would you describe it i'd prefer not to come on no you go ahead this is well it says it says of course the

the great phrase um rub rub rub rub rub rub rub and then has my face and it looks like my eyes are struggling to stay open because i'm in ecstasy and uh it looks like something is dripping off of of the face there yeah it's good hey it's your call i mean if you want the shirt around of course i went around come dripping from your beard be my guest babe that's what it is you'd be more appreciative i am i think it's really neat thank thank you mark for doing that thanks mark and i just wanted to give you a shout out do you think they make him in the t2 it's the size of our son babe your kid wants to wear that rap rap can i tell you something else that happened um we actually had

the rub rub guy cut together with kim man the great kim man for a little audio fun do you want to hear what the two of them sound like together yeah uh kim man of course if you don't know is uh one of the great um adult performers of all time asshole and she and the rub rub guy are both asian and we decided they're both sexual people what would happen if we threw them together yes well we whenever we do what i was gonna say that we've been working on the blue band's been working on this because we had the idea a few weeks ago you and i were sitting down and we thought wouldn't it be a power couple if you will the two of them are perfect yeah yeah two two of the great this is like what it would be like if the two of them met and and did did

some work together um so blue band put this together whenever we do the scene we always fuck hard aren't we ancient sex and you get the oil in the hand and you rub hand go like this you rub rub rub rub and what you need to do is be mindful about your spine especially in the vagina especially on the grand penis rub them you need to start judgment from right or wrong 50 times one one right side 50 times left side 50 times front 50 times back 50 times down this cock being my tight asian pussy there you go it was beautiful it was really good better than i expected yeah so that's a great waiting for that yeah you have kim in and wrap wrap really special what's his name

um i looked it up it's uh it's not kyle i'll tell you that it's different i i i forgot i forgot i don't want to look it up again okay but it's it's it's a good name special name um then uh somebody put this what this is you i guess this is you could press pause for a minute press pause right now yeah i want to take care of something for the little jeans okay i'll be right back all right all right let's turn up the thermostat it's way too cold um yeah so you did that i changed the setting on this i don't know who does auto zoom why that's even an option hey could you set this thing to zoom whenever it feels like it it was this video of you um i guess you did this while you were driving or something okay god

i see y'all bitches still pressed about my little comment and my little post with my nigger guess what boo at the end of the day i'm still gonna go home to my nigger and fuck him and get my pussy ate while you hose just sad wow wow big words that's um if you're just listening as most of the audience does that's a white lady yeah it was real comfortable throwing things around yeah that's uh those are big words real big uh shunter you and your daughter sad as fuck bitch why would you wish death from somebody you don't know that's that's real sad and obviously you can see i'm not ugly bitch and my head goes down might be a little fat never claimed to be standing you know in her defense and here's just a theory yeah uh she could be

a mixed you know what i mean she's not she could be right okay i'm just trying i'm just trying to help her out i don't know she could be i mean there are black people that are really super light oh no you're totally right yeah 100 right she's not yeah okay well hey yeah but i mean she's putting out there that Caribbean you know she's got those nice eyes pretty eyes like rihanna's kind of light skinned yeah this is this is quite a few shades lighter okay this is uh i don't know i would say she's kind of like me well no she's not like a blondie blue i know but yeah i'll just stop right now i still don't see centella and i don't see nasty bitch ass where the other one there i forgot her name you were ever living anyway but i still can't find you i'm waiting on

everybody that was talking shit to comment the black bitches white bitches niggas any any of me don't matter i'm still waiting oh where do you think uh where do you think she's from south atlanta yeah it's the south but not like it's atlanta not the deep south we're talking like atlanta south what do you cut okay you know i'm thinking like when you think alabama's different accent than like atlanta that's what i'm saying oh you think she's like from bamma or something negative i'm saying she's from atlanta oh see i think she's from a smaller populated area my guess would be that she's maybe maybe she's in the outskirts of like norfolk or something you know okay oh hey that's another one yeah yeah because virginia is super weird yeah for sure

yeah that's a real weird mix yeah yeah but like she doesn't live in norfolk like she lives interesting theory like 30 minutes from it and and yeah you know there's some country has shit going on where she lives for sure now she's responding to the haters in her comment feed is that yeah i think she must have like posted something i mean i'm sure there's more this girl's upset on facebook she's not afraid to use big words that's all we got on it but interesting yeah i don't care what ratio i'm not racist them bitches just got me fucked up but it's just the black bitches that's talking so that's why i said black bitches is she driving yeah i always wonder how people do that yeah because i think to get out that much anger while you're driving is not even it's not good for

your driving i wish you would pull over i'm a little sad but i still got some asses at us now i never said i was standing but i bet i could ride better than any of these bitches in this group no i think it's weird maybe it's different to brag about how good you are at riding dick well you know as margaret thatcher said if you have to tell people you're a lady right you know yeah it's always the talkers that it's always the quiet ones that are doing shit yeah you got a top dog face well i'm thinking about how i bet she's just really aggressive like i i could bet i could see her busting like breaking your dong open yeah i think she probably miss mistakes enthusiasm for good for good yeah yeah there's a lot of

enthusiasm there a lot of anger energy very you know but it's not the same negative it's not the same as as doing good you guys are doing good yeah it's different you know okay if y'all bitches stand a motherfucking hotel in a motherfucking way ain't got no career standing home taking care of y'all kids at least you put the phone down i'm talking about the white bitches too why they're trying to take up with the shit because if i want to say nigga bitch i'm gonna say nigga whoa anybody i talk to i would say nigga too i don't know i think there's some people you know what i'm curious of go ahead um

how many uh black people would prefer somebody to be this open with their big words right you know i mean like i remember one time um it was uh clayton peters russell peters brother told me when he had a corporate job he worked with a guy that he knew was racist but the guy he goes he was open about it and that's what i respected about him that he liked now this lady is i i do think she's probably right and that she's probably not racist right i definitely don't think she actually i think she's somebody who thinks that she has a hall pass she thinks she has a hall pass because she's got black inner meaning black by injection so she's thinking like well dude i have sex with a black guy like clearly i'm down and all her and most of her friends are probably yeah so she's

culturally you know she does obviously spend time in that community so like there's a certain level of comfortability with that stuff i wonder if like if most people are like yeah cool i think she's cool or or if people are like no i don't prefer that you do this i think i mean i i i don't know i can only speculate but i i can't imagine that anybody would be like that's okay you can say that i think some people would i don't know yeah it wouldn't be a blank i know that's what i'm talking about it's not a blanket vote i think it wouldn't be a hundred percent i just wonder if it's 90 percent or whether it's more 50 50 oh that's what you want to take an unofficial poll yeah sure i would love to take an unofficial poll if you're black and you're listening to this and post on

the facebook page or or send an email to your mom's podcast at gmail.com it's not your mom's house podcast it's your mom's podcast and let us know if you go actually i don't mind the thing is this is fine as long as you're hanging out with a lot of black people and having sex with them i guess it's okay is that well she i mean that's definitely i'm sure the guys that have sex with her all the time are probably like this is fine i mean that's my point of view on anybody that would willing like if you were like i'm gonna call you names or whatever i'd be like okay well here's a here's a story so you know i talk about this in my my hour that's gonna come out soon uh having an indian stepfamily i had an indian stepdad and three indian step sisters we were very politically

incorrect around the house but openly openly it was a joke like we'd call him my mother would call him a towel head and why don't you put fucking laundry on your head and then he would call her goulash tits or whatever like yeah and there's it was just silliness well there's a but see like that's you know that's still different from this though because that to me is affection like all my friends that are of any marginalized group or ethnic group that aren't white i if i really care for that if i really like them i would tease them i have my whole life yeah about whatever it is right i mean right yeah yeah but that to me is like you're showing that's like a way a sign of it's like affection for guys yeah it's a well it's also an old school way of showing affection

like it but this is different yeah i that's of the end word is so so loaded it's such a it's such a harsh i mean like to i have black friends that i say um you know inappropriate things too but i don't drop n bombs on him that's the thing man i have i mean you know like ari i i i would i would feel weird not saying something about him being a jewish yeah but i that's like because i like if i didn't like him i would never say now okay so let's well let's do this conversation because i did have n word in my act prior not that i'm saying it i say it as dick clark assuming that he was a racist piece of shit so now i've did that i've done that bit in front of black comedians for a while now yeah and i've gotten an you know and people that we're pretty close with

and i've never gotten anything right negative feedback and they'll fucking tell you i i feel like i'm close enough to people that they'll be like that's really fucked up big words anyway i guess it's context dude context it's an interesting it's an interesting cultural debate this is more like the rachel dole is all thing she's or she's like yeah i could say whatever i want because i mean not that that's wrong because that lady didn't say that that i'm what i'm saying is that that lady was like i'm black and she's clearly a white lady and she's like yeah but i identify as black which is great but i think that this this person right now basically thinks i mean without saying it i think she thinks that she's yeah in the club well it's called cultural appropriation that's really

happening a lot here yeah of course yeah don't know bitch intimidate me and if a bitch thinks she can beat my ass i will wait on it because i would still say nigger to anybody that talks to me she's really white black indian makes me need don't care i don't care black white chinese or candy stripe i don't give a fuck yeah i don't know man i look look look she has that thing where she goes i don't care i don't like rick ross talks like that background background where they can stop where's that from my mama and lord my sister i got seven sisters don't sweeten that's southern yeah she's super south yeah and that's a good angle because her name monica hogs you want to look up but they know bitch gonna play me i don't care what color you is yeah no yeah different

strokes same same strokes for everybody that's why man because a white bitch spoke up to y'all ass jeez y'all ain't never had to buy a white bitch go all night with y'all but guess what boo you found the right one she's really i mean if she's auditioning she's got the part yeah i'd be like you you got it you did it right you did that you definitely did it well she feel i mean that's the question too with rachel dolezal and with you know this kind of with this girl it's like if you what does it mean like if you feel a certain culture you know you feel like that's your culture and you're raised in that environment like who's to say you know i don't fucking know i don't know i don't know i mean i know that i feel like she's bought a lot of guys sneakers at the mall for them

before but i don't know is that all it takes to win a man's heart i mean some sneaks i think she's she knows exactly like air force 113 yeah i got you i got you okay i got you i got you booboo wow yeah she's um she's something i'm trying to think of well yeah i don't know dude whatever different strokes real quick fine same folks for everybody i'm going to ball sacramento california punchline i think the uh the two early shows are sold out i think there might be tickets left to the late show august 12th and maybe maybe august 11th too um check it out tomskirt.com slash tour tomskirt.com slash tour and what else uh if you go to my that same page i'm gearing up to shoot a special september 16th in denver they released an extra couple hundred tickets that were withheld

because of the shooting so the early show has less than a hundred tickets left that's september 16th late show has maybe a few more but they're gonna be gone sooner if you want to go to the taping it's in denver i'm also doing oakland linkin nebraska i'm doing uh springfield missouri midwest city oklahoma and i'm going to trono portland main a couple other that have been added in recent uh weeks i'm coming to do a big show here in la at the will turn in november um so there's a bunch of shows check out to see if your city is on my site tomskirt.com slash tour gene uh i know you have a couple coming up right i do yes first of all august 23rd we're doing your mom's house live in breast balls beach at the improv uh so come florida florida if you're in palm beach county

broward county indian river county date county please come out to the breast balls beach improv big county also september 22nd and 23rd i'm in st jew tits or st louis tits mazura louis tits yeah herium comedy crab october 4th in shartlett north kakalaka at the comedy zone october 5th nashville tennessee at the zanies and then october 8th we're doing your mom's house live in sperm vine california and we are honoring the tickets from july 9th since we had to push that so apologies but we will be honoring your tickets there october 8th also check out that's deep well uh i answer people's crazy life emails if you like talking about life and getting deep on stuff check out that's deep bro

and that's it man what's up man done thanks rosa dude for uh this is blood dunza last week i talk about bukkowskis don't try have you ever heard of that yes on his tombstone is written don't try that's a great great quote man isn't it the funniest thing ever yeah i really it's very meaningful so i get deep on that that's that's great i really like that a lot of chain i really like that fucking move oh fuck shake get off the fucking road oh this is sheep i know he's fired up though speaking of uk so last week we were talking about why on earth why on earth would a man choose to be a gynecologist yeah and how this was

interesting fucking weird that is and you've clearly got to be a pervert of some sort and women uh dick doctors yeah well i can't we can't speak on that but yeah so this gentleman uh wrote in from the uk and um okay so he says he works with a number of male consultant gynecologists they vastly outweigh the women which is definitely unusual seeing as medical school is roughly 60 40 women to men so anyways he thinks the big attraction why men choose gynecology uh he writes you're able to separate yourself from what you see so although the issue around sex is definitely there that is a relatively small price to pay to know that nothing you see can happen to you and also not having a frame of reference on how it would actually feel which is good so meaning

if it's a total train wreck down there you can look at it impartially as an outsider and go well i guess i'd better stitch this back on and get on with it instead of like if you're looking at a dick that's like cutting you're you're too empathetic almost yeah that's interesting so it's actually if you're full of empathy it's great to remove yourself from your sex totally and that makes sense like you don't want you want to divorce yourself completely i never thought of that either and secondly he says that the um it's a real macho field gynecology and doing gynecological procedures and surgeries and it's very macho and you say it's also much easier track than that i don't remember i don't know i can't i think it's an email that it's easier to get into gynecology

yeah i don't know then then if you were to be like a fucking heart surgeon all right but the but the glamour is high so meaning like there's a it's it's just more prestigious to do i guess you know women's stuff really it's difficult yeah yeah he says it's very macho because you're you're really you're playing god you know with women's innards and yeah fibroids and shit like that like it's life comes out of there yeah so it's a high reward i'm guessing anyways i thought that was fascinating that is that's interesting yeah he's still yelling at a sheep fucking hell man

fucking move your fat dick so mad at an innocent sheep uh can you do his accent fucking move it that's pretty good your fucking ship your fat dick are they scarlet Scottish i think so because he calls him a fat dick fat dick yeah that's what he said there fucking hell man fucking hell man fucking move your fat dick you know it sounds like Francis Begbie yeah spot in i watched the the second one you did on a flight yeah did you love it yeah it was great dude i fucking love that i mean it it can't live up to and there's parts like when it i think when the movie really

moves into the whatever the third act i was not as invested in it yeah kind of like oh this is movie making this is a making this story come together but it's fun to see the characters again yes that's the part i enjoy to see them around yeah seeing them back and and getting in trouble yeah it was fun it's cool such a fucking great movie transpining dude a fat dick yeah a fat dick yeah fat dick he's stupid cunt fuck shake fucking hell fucking hell cool fuck off i'm just glad i didn't hurt the sheep i was scared when i first saw him he doesn't i mean he just drives away but he's just angry it's shit that he can't drive down the street i kind of don't

like when they spray paint sheep i feel like that's really silly don't spray paint them nice wool yeah he's he's very this guy's real agro yeah yeah i enjoyed him though yeah he's a lot he's got a lot of things to fucking move your fat dick oh my god so of course there's no such thing nothing can compare to the the greatest dad boner of all time which we already know who that is the trance okay canada highway it's the canadian dad boner for the canadian he he definitely wears the crown oh the story that this road tells and nobody see now that i'm listening to that is he is he jacking off he might be

he just loves highways so we've had different ones we've had you know dad boners that love whatever the solar eclipse the train train boners are pretty big this is our first plane boner this guy parks in a fast food parking lot and watches planes on their approach at an airport and gets really fucking excited about it i mean it's he's in the running i mean he can't eclipse canadian dad but this is pretty excitable for fucking commercial airlines oh it's not like special no like commercial planes landing it's like cessna and shit no oh yeah oh yeah that's an airbus 319 dash 133 yeah oh yeah yeah okay oh boeing 737 boeing 737 it's like a southwest plane bro relax this guy's this excited for this oh my word oh my word it's a 737 737 you notice that also

by the way that these guys are all these dad boners are real clean like they don't curse yeah it's oh my word oh my god heavens and stars yeah cheese and rice they don't go fucking holy shit yeah yeah yeah well train guy too he's like oh wow oh no i think it's because you're sublimating everything else in your life for that like you're repressing something else somewhere else maturing you're not your brain to mature you're not using your dick you're not you're not having cumgasms because what if a guy took you on a date and he goes we're gonna park at this white castle watch planes land feeling are we five ours our little toddler likes planes he loves to point up at them bye bye any waves waves bye bye to them are you one and a half yeah that's kind of what

this guy should be doing yeah his his development is stunted somewhere right mm-hmm it's not normal these are commercial these are planes that there are thousands of them land every day if you've ever flown you're like okay that sucks unless he's putting it on like putting us all on you know these are just giant fart bubbles in the sky that's it they're so gross nothing exciting about this oh no i can't believe it uh bowing 737 come from los angeles maybe he's touched yeah he might be special he could be very special wait we haven't even thought of that what if he's just tarted he's not retarded are you sure he parked it no why does someone drove him there no i don't think i don't think so i don't think he's

retarded i don't think he's retarded i think that he's just really it's just it's like misguided energy you know it's like you you shouldn't be like this no you should have orgasms instead yeah you should feel like this for like tits right right what if but what if they are on the spectrum of some kind of behavioral i guess so i guess that's possible it's dude's weird though for sure super weird we could see their faces oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh and i could be that this guy's doing a bit no no no too genuine yeah that's real the enthusiasm is too real you come from los angeles that's like he's so stoked that's how little kids are how did you know that was from la see what about that following the flight patterns i mean there's

like apps like flight deck you can see what's what's from what yeah from los angeles oh yeah yeah it's it's come on seven thirty seven i mean seven thirty seven it's a fun character to play yeah oh boy seven thirty seven golly cheese oh my word oh my word i have to fire it i have to fire it did it pick it up and maybe subtly yes so excited it's not excited it's amazing i remember one time oh that doesn't smell very good god damn it i'm still in it it's my own hello help mommy in the last few years i've rekindled a relationship with my own mom she wasn't in my life for years because of addiction and other factors as we have hung out more often things are back to normal when we partway she

tries to plant a smooch right on my mouth personally i wouldn't marry my mom and try to turn a cheek before it lands what's the best way to duck out of these mouth kisses with my mom without being a how you say asshole thanks tim oh okay so you're a dude and she's your mom yeah you don't want to marry your mom and they but they had you know many years apart yeah things are better now but she tries to do mouth kisses it's simple uh because i tell you there's somebody in my life who can't and for years goes to say goodbye to me and mouth and tries to mouth kiss what you do is go for the cheek you just bypass the mouth and go cheek and act like that's that's what you assume the intent was yeah you just established that i think you could start you could start

leading kisses that's maybe the way to or yeah yeah in other words when you say hello yeah give her a hug and like just go right yeah go right for that cheek yeah you know so it's it's not really you're not responding you're not playing defense you're being playing offense yes that's what i do with this yeah that's a good way to do it yeah who does that i'll tell you off mike all right it's a friend that i've had for you know 17 years oh really uh-huh god uh-huh it's weird i know how blind people know when they're done wiping mommy's i can't believe no one has written the real answer people black people fold the tp when they think they are done if they this is a fucking it's like goof i don't know this is that's it nothing yeah sorry guys um how many head

scratches equal one bj oh no boy my boyfriend and i've been listening to podcasts since we started dating four years ago we recently bet on john jones versus daniel cormier fight number two if john jones wins i get five head scratches if dc wins my boyfriend gets one bj we were wondering this is the proper exchange rate for head scraps the bj's well first of all justine thanks hitlers she writes justine first of all congratulations on your head scratches because john jones did indeed win this past weekend five head scratches for one bj yeah no that sounds about right that sounds right to you well it depends because i would say you owe me dozens of bj's at this point whatever i think but here's the thing the head scratches for me has to be i go to sleep with them

so you need to do the scratches until i'm asleep more than you think that's five that i give you five yeah well how many is that you probably get 40 to 60 oh no no she's saying five i'm sorry i understood this to mean five five sessions of scratches i think you need to be clear about that and a lot of people are like you know no now one two three four five scratches yeah that's bullshit that's not even a head scratch you're saying do five head scratchy sessions equal a bj i think that's about right if it's a session a session yeah five sessions full sessions which means we're laying in bed i'm ready to go to sleep and then i go give me scratches and then i get the scratches until i fall asleep yeah i've been trying to ask for the bj in return for those

scratches but we're just marking up your debt right now by the way you totally just blew off your helicopter bj's those are supposed to be an agree we have we we've gotten distracted life took over we didn't get back to the discussion all right well if you don't want me to see me in a buh-bye pretty soon a buh-bye better start there's a ring i've had my eye on so how much dog food will i need to eat for that oh man no i'm serious i want a new updated wedding ring because ours was so i can't wear it okay i'm allergic but how many can'ts dog food will i have to eat for a new wedding band we can we switch it up why don't we switch it up to bj's and dog food or just bj's just bj's you don't have any more dog food okay yeah i felt bad when

you ate that last time it was worth it though this rings real nice yeah it's a nice ring yeah you earned it wait it's the other one no it's this one the message oh yeah that's right that's the dog food ring yeah this you gave me for my special which is very sweet of you yeah i do need a proper wedding band because the other one i can't wear yeah my skin breaks out we've talked about this you're supposed to give me some things to take in to i know i know but i and i got those these balls are all full i need those you just got home last night well you came home all tired and you took shits remember last night we were going to sleep and you're like i go to shit to make thanks yeah you've been shitting since you got home we haven't had a chance to get in there hey mommy

i'm an aids lana mommy right it's aids lana about people facetiming oh i'm currently getting my car worked on i'm in a lobby and these low and loose assholes are facetiming with someone singing happy birthday twice stop once in spanish once in english jesus christ jesus christ after they finish singing they continue to have their conversation with the person with the vault you all the way up negative over 15 minutes i go outside but it's 90 degrees and humid this is a low and loose situation stay high and tight Caesar or cesar i don't know how you say it but that is some fucking bullshit i really feel like we you know it's time to start telling people hey feliz cumpleanos are you fucking out of your mind right now remember

where were we when that old guy's phone went off and i was like didn't i say something to him i was like oh no no no hell no hell no didn't i say that to him you said something i don't remember i remember that i was like uh uh dude yeah you did yeah i saw uh uh uh uh no i don't know and was just ringing ringing ringing and then that's the words when all people swarming and they don't even fucking pick it up i was in a doctor's office no we're a patient had words with another patient which doctor doctor dicks off no no no different doctor the the uh which doctor you just don't worry i was kidding so whoever you're sexting yeah the the person was on the phone and it says there's a big sign there no cell phones allowed and so another patient in the doctor's office goes

excuse me good and that person on the phone was like like what she's like you're not supposed to be on your phone in here and she was like oh she's like um i and she was like i gotta go with someone saying and it's like well yeah but there's a huge sign that says it yeah dildo no one wants to hear your fucking conversation that's the worst part about this is that it's really an intrusion on other people's auditory whole function yeah yeah and you don't even you don't even fucking think about it like that's the thing there's people who just don't they don't think about it and that that's to me an auditory assault make it makes me i hate whistlers i hate people that talk on their fucking speakerphone or watch a movie full volume or videos this is why we're

married yeah these are like these are actually these are core values these are core values the tenants of our marriage are really that we're like don't abuse my ears in public well you and i are not yellers we never yell across the house that's fucking not happening no yeah and we don't like loud sounds or public gatherings stop being so fucking loud man yeah why are you so fucking loud yeah very rude that's super rude it's just obliviousness you know yeah hey jane hi jeans with g n e n it's a new one yeah you've talked about workers coming over and taking a shit in your house yep yep yep yep my mom has people working on her roof who came over and immediately dropped hot sevens in her bathroom she called me at the end of the day i said told me that not

only was there a worker brown sprayed all over the toilet but that her dog went in the trash and shredded toilet paper all over the house oh she cleaned it up she realized there was brown on the paper no these workers shit in her house and through the poo paper in the trash can oh dear what the fuck i guess it's just like the gays i know a few people that aren't going to be invited over for moose soup no questions here just sharing one of the worst things i've ever heard of happening well there's a good chance that those are from latin america those guys you know so they are used to throwing their poo paper in the in the trash because of the plumbing down there or it could be they're working on the plumbing maybe she didn't say what type of workers they are

and maybe the the plumbing kind of comedy or she said root yeah okay yeah no i bet it's that because my one of my buddies who's married to a mexican woman yeah said that you know when the family visited he's like i had to keep him like do not put your shit paper in the toilet yeah and they and they don't know how don't put it in the i mean in the trash yeah because they do that out of habit yeah yeah out of habit so he put signs in the bathroom good yeah flushed out in america we flush it down dude if it's brown it goes down yeah all of it all of it anything brown even if you have a brown shirt on you put it in the toilet you flush it away looking dude yeah americans do not we don't want to see it smell it just go away yeah it goes it goes all

it's horrifying to uh god yeah that's nasty such a weird she's so weird about it i would have crashed my car if i was at that red light and that lady on a moped was like i gotta go ah i like that she drives away like this this you need to go back to the hospital yes here she goes okay psycho behind me here she goes oh my god where do you think is this texas i bet you this is texas i don't know why texas because i like

let's see the strip malls yeah that's the texas strip moldy just it's in my mind you could be right um those ladies are so nice to her though the ladies in the other car well i think that they were enjoying it and using the cover of being nice which is a good way you need to go to the hospital because if i were laughing i would be like you're all right too but then just keep laughing yeah that's fucking funny that's really funny what a psycho i know the world is so messed up um what else i'm supposed to be on conan next week i always say i say it's posted because you never know if things change and yeah so showbiz guys yeah but maybe keep an eye out for that um you're gonna make some moose soup i am anything else for you jeans um i mean not you know no same

shit different toilet guys same shit different toilet go over later from moose soup that's cute yep that little face that little puddin face a puddin pop kid who is that that is uh my son keeping it high debon from shitsfield as a two as a two shits it's very cute good title good good job good job buddies all right that's it jean um that's it have anything else let me just make sure yeah okay thanks for listening to the show thanks for supporting the show we'll be back next week and that's it all right jean i love you guys sorry for the zooming in and out in the first part of the show that's weird but i don't know it's gonna be annoying uh this is uh state droopers by chris spence as your closing song i love it all right a couple of state droopers god bless

everybody bye jean hey do you think i would you could spend like a few hours just farting from my in like i'll pay you well i mean like what what are you what are you what are you god you're breath the sun would kiss the dad's mouth the mother would kiss the son's mouth i don't want to know kisses they don't make bulletproof vats for one of the books who are you talking about a couple of state droopers okay okay dude you just like farts i gotta get my teeth together okay he's placing all of his eggs in this fart basket i'm about to hook up with the guy right now

you feel the tongue come into your mouth god your breath come into your mouth what what what are you gonna keep my kiss on the mouth what would you do come into your mouth i don't want to get into the gate i gotta keep my teeth together okay what what what are you well i mean look well i mean look well well i mean look well i mean look come into your mouth well i mean like what are you talking about state droopers okay