Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 408-Ms. Pat-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: August 9, 2017

What if it's only smells, but also it turns you on? Is that okay? What kind of smells get your engine going? Ladies, we're talking to you.  PLUS, when Dad Boners are into animals and by animals we mean bees, it's borderline disturbing.  AND the great Ms. Pat is back for amazing, honest and absolutely hilarious conversation. Her new book, RABBIT: THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF MS PAT goes on sale August 22nd. Be sure to pick up a copy of this incredible book. 

do you far exciting stuff going on Jean yeah always in this house she sounds made the beat I'll be in a ball sacramento this weekend the shows are sold out thank you guys very much ball sack next week I'm doing a big thing with Joe Rogan he's celebrating his 1,000th thousand thousand thousand out thousands one thousandth episode of the Joe Rogan experience wow can you believe that that's incredible the pod father the guy the guy who did like the very first episode ever of any podcast is pretty crazy this thousand one thousand episodes bananas he's having myself and Joey Diaz on oh my god that's gonna be a

crazy podcast and then a celebration show that night at the comedy store which sold out in like three minutes oh my gosh that'll be next Friday the 18th what else we have a live podcast August 23rd in Breastballs Beach Florida if you're in Palm Beach County Broward County Dade County Indian River County please come to the Palm Beach BIMPROV then things ramp up for me right before I shoot my special I added a show at the Brea improv a couple nights before so Wednesday September 13th I'm doing the Brea improv one show only the next night I'm doing Oakland the Fox Theater and then I shoot in Denver on the 16th very

excited first show is sold out the second show is like 200 tickets left so if you're in Denver and you haven't got tickets yet and you want to go I recommend getting them see you get your special tape that's pretty special it'll be very special I'm also doing Lincoln Nebraska Springfield Missouri and Midwest City Oklahoma earlier in the month and we added second shows in Fartgo North Dakota St. Loose Tits Missouri and I'm coming to Jewdork titties hmm barfalo there's a bunch of things at it so go to tomscure.com slash tour and check out all the dates that are there Jean Jean you mentioned August 23rd in Breast

Palm Beach that's good guys come see that work also those tickets are moving very quickly so if you considering it I would highly advise getting them now because we're you don't have many left September 22nd and 23rd I'm in St. Loose Tits Missouri helium comedy crib I should say here I am as Kim Ann would say October 3rd Nashville Tennessee at the Zany's comedy club October 4th in Charlotte North Carolina at the comedy zone and then October 8th we're doing your mom's house live in sperm vine and we have it to make a correction yes sorry if you it wasn't your fault you made a logical assumption which was that if you

had tickets to the July Irvine improv podcast that they transferred they did not everyone was refunded so if you want to go to the October 8th Irvine your mom's house live you got to get tickets they are at the bottom of my tour page if you go to tomscure.com slash tour scroll all the way to the bottom it says live podcast you can get tickets to either West Palm or Irvine there that's right oh and tickets for my shows are on thousand ranch.com or you can go to Christinaponline.com all the both of those URLs go the same place doing a little image overhaul before my special comes out making the change to Christina

it's gonna be soon. I can't announce it yet it's so annoying hopefully soon we can make a formal announcement but it's coming good like I can hear the chips in the bowl the package is opening and almost ready to be poured in the bowl it's really exciting the fireworks the air horns very exciting welcome to another episode of your mom's house let's get into this show okay let's do it you guys are doing good that is the moose soup remix by Matt Mercer you know we we went on a little three-day vacation with the little jeans just local here and we couldn't get her out of our hearts yeah the moose soup

lady came with us and we had to play her drop we had we listened to our own show just to hear the drop oh yeah yeah we were like finding stuff from from that like scrolling through it trying to find out you know like what what was said and hearing hearing it again just in real time yeah the best part is that because you did the drop of you guys are doing good but you cut out the fuck and now to hear the fuck you guys are doing good it's even it's even more trashy it's even better yeah amazing amazing we even by the way this is not something we normally do let me see if I can pull this up so we had we've had

like all these great designs come in and this one was also sent in the moose soup men's black t-shirt so it's darker color yeah dark one with a soup can on it but it's a brilliant design and it says the milk the moose soup lady so that's also in our store thank you everybody who's been supporting they got the rub rub shirt it makes you very uncomfortable real hot seller for the ladies huh yeah I got a number of interesting messages about sure people got the you know the rub rub shirt the come down for moose soup shirt sorry that was wrong the sub cane the new rough rough rough that was the this is

one that dose Brack made Irish designer I just wore this this morning I make it fitness I wore this morning did yeah now we love the moose soup ladies so much yeah we have two moves that we have two shirts dedicated to her it's crazy that she's too good and the designs are too good to not do them so guys for for supporting the store silliness ridiculous I think we lose money on these shirts just oh for sure make them yeah somebody said that there's nothing quite as PTSD inducing as the rub rub guy I have to agree there's nothing like that guys who I don't like him I don't like him as much as I like the moose soup

lady well no she's great you guys are doing good all right let's do an official open right yeah let's do it I yeah and I first realized this back in 2014 when I was having sex with my girlfriend I noticed that she had this really strong smell of ass and I really liked it I found it really enjoyable and arousing it kind of smelled like this rich odor of body sweats combined with the smell of a shit basically yeah so

yeah yeah you know when you know you put a treat in your mouth and then halfway through it you're like I don't want to commit to this yeah I know exactly what you're talking about I just did that now I don't think I want it but I'm gonna do it ever since I lost some weight I always think about whether I like what I'm eating or whether I'm just eating to eat right is it worth the calorie I just also I'm like I used to be like this isn't that good but I'll eat the whole thing like that's how I used to just walk through everything yeah like a dog like it's alright I'll finish it you know this is okay but I'm still gonna go

through yes yeah it'd be you know really calorically and sugar rich and I mean yeah just eat it it's like a dog like they can't refuse a treat you're right and yeah I just I should just put that out but I don't have anywhere to put it I could have put it in my hand in my pocket and put in my pocket in your pocket next time that before you're probably the other friends your pocket friends so this kid he's a blogger and I have to say you know it's I commend him for his honesty my I think the the general you know the the inclination of people when they hear that right away like you nasty as hell course some y'all

is just nasty and he talks about being attracted to the asthma but I think it's pretty common one actually well it must be on a evolutionary biological level and there's a reason our bodies produce pheromones and different smells and to some people yeah so he's found his ideal mate perhaps yeah who makes that smell and they're gonna reproduce and make other children make nasty smells like nasty babies but I've met I've talked to dudes before who are into like funky smells you know sure what guys are disgusting to say but I wonder I mean there's gotta be some women that are into the funky smell right no no no I mean

I've never had a friend that admitted to it I'm sure there are guys would admit to it more yeah yeah there's gotta be but the women are just less nasty that's true no you are less nasty there's definitely way more dudes that are like I like a funky asshole yeah it's not on the menu for most of us ladies yeah well my I mean I I challenge okay let's put the call out are there any ladies out there who love the smell of a ripe guy ass are any ladies that are lesbians maybe you like but smells you like but smells wait that's thinking but smell never smells disgusting but it's really nice to me I really like the smell is

that weird or is that normal because the smell of shits shouldn't be nice it shouldn't be pleasant it should disgust and repulse people because shit isn't nice it's disgusting and full of bacteria you don't want to get anywhere near that stuff well I think that there's an important distinction we made here is that I don't think he is necessarily aroused by shit correct aroused by the mix of this musk of sweat right and there's there's some butt-funk in there right and that's what's turning him on right it's not just a dump sitting in the toilet well that's a really important distinction yeah it is though it's like

it's like our revelation of shits push the farts out not farts push the shit out which you mistakenly were saying for years years well my mother gave me that wisdom and farts push the shit out and that's all I heard growing up and it's almost like your mother was a flat earth or and then somebody just kind of explained it to you like doesn't work that way it's not that farts push the shit out right one of our listeners actually opened our eyes right and our buttholes to right and that's another one that you and I have been talking about this last week together is that it's the shit that pushes the farts out

and I just kind of blew my mind tail yeah kind of blew it well there are you know what I guess it's people's body smells you you like it's that person yeah pheromones mixed in with whatever he must really be into this girl but it could be that I mean I'm yes but also like you can have that that attraction somewhere you don't know right he could just be like oh I like I guess yeah person smells yeah yeah yeah I've also been repulsed by the way stranger smell fuck yeah yeah just like their body smells you know I've had BO repulsion I've had manufactured smell repulsion from fumes colognes fucking patchouli oil

I hate patchouli oil me too that's my least favorite man if you were one of those chicks there'd be no boners in this house owners well because patchouli growing up I'm growing up when I went to San Francisco for college if that girl wore patchouli it meant that she didn't wash her beaver very often like those those are always the dirtiest of the girls that had patchouli oil I like that interesting it was really noticeable every time we had sex doggy style and every time I thrust it forwards the smell would waft upwards into my nostrils and it was really arousing I really enjoyed the smell I don't know why she

had such a strong smell of arse because usually girls don't have a strong smell because they wash properly down there after they've taken a shit so true I'm not sure if she wasn't washing properly after she took a shit yeah I really enjoyed like so good for you man I can see that relationship I always check to see if the girl has this same smell but none of them do because they usually wash wash that area so that was like his special mistress that was a snowflake and he let it get away he left that stinky bottle don't let that brown dirty girl get away wasn't necessarily washing well that's true no she wasn't

yeah really yeah so she was just not wiping or or she has leaky butt leaky which is something that I talk about a lot on this show and the importance of shit to shower or getting a bidet of some sort she could be shitting and then not cleaning up properly and having leaky butt and then if you're having sex and then it kind of all mixes in down there yeah I don't like that if you just be swamp ass maybe you've never smelled my my butt never you don't want to no no never no did you smell your own but a lot no no but I'm sure it's not nice that's disgusting I mean you can give it a shot if you want nope until

there's no smell left which I find to be really disappointing it's really boring when the girl smells like nothing yeah smell is a big part of sex for me and if the girl smells like nothing she has no body odor yeah it's kind of boring I agree with him I agree with him yeah I don't want I mean out of the shower yuck give me let me know you're you're doing some work you know building your mask yeah build that musk there was a real musk builder at that gym I used to go to whoo I remember it that dude was foul and it was like a message to the rest of the gym to the bears yeah I'm here I smell my funk he was nasty gross but

there's probably dudes walking around that gym like oh fuck that dude stinks so good anyway as I came thinking about this is what I can see our son doing this this oh god I hope not he will this kind of thing well he's got two parents yeah I know that's true you know your kids I don't like having sex with girls after they've had a shower because they've washed away all that delicious odor and smell pre-shower sex is just so much better than just shower sex I just said it totally right 100% and do you remember that Iranian girl that I met last year yeah yeah yeah the one that I asked if she wanted to have sex with me and she

said no well one of the main reasons why I felt so attracted to her wasn't because I thought she was pretty or cute it was because she had this amazing smell of armpit every time she sat next to me in my room I could smell this strong rich bitter smell of armpit and it's really arousing so he likes more than just certain he likes a lot of stinky stuff I don't ask that if I could smell her armpit instead of asking for sex good call but then if I smelled her armpit I would have been even more aroused and turned on and I would have wanted to have sex even more mm-hmm this channel is getting kind of weird isn't

it I celebrate you sir you always tell me you're like I've never smelled you yeah never smell you never smell yeah it's true I'm serious in how long 38 years we've been together I've never gotten a whiff of BO from you what about Trish Trish is a little stinky just got that wine mouth yeah Karen too both of them cigarettes barflies Marlboro Reds yeah yeah the moose soup oh yeah both kind of moose soup type of chicks for sure yeah that's definitely definitely your speed dirty bitch so stupid so stupid so I did uh what yeah what you talking about your appearance last night that's what bring it out okay I did Conan is

how you say it that's funny that that's his name yeah you don't meet many conans I have a week I had a really fun time doing the show and I got to I won't play the whole thing but I did get to sneak this in to the top of the show or the top of the interview he's like oh you look great and I'll let you hear the beginning of it you did great by the way the whole thing is online thank you very much man thanks I lost 50 pounds 50 pounds everyone wants to know how one does that because everyone's yeah what was your trick everybody's been I was in a weight-loss contest with this super fat comic named burnt Chrysler and burnt

Chrysler I got a burnt in there Zingham yeah I did does he know yet I don't know if he knows he's gonna know Conan definitely knew what I was doing he did because it's like there's a pre-interview and I told the producer I was like I'm gonna call him burnt I go if you know if you want to tell Conan to correct me and be like oh is that Bert you know I go that's that's fine or whatever I mean you know obviously you can do whatever he wants and so but he he definitely went like shook his head like I know what you're doing yeah I know what you're doing what we did was we did a couple people I think knew what

was up I think you're right I think some mommies were in the audience because they laughed at top dog stuff too yes yes so anyways you can go to team Coco I don't just play a clip after a clip of that but team coco.com or the YouTube team coco page and you can see it if you want and you talk about top dog you talk about little jeans yeah me and weight loss and weed I talk about weed I talk about yeah our little gene learning different languages that's right and top dog yeah it's a very good appearance I thought you did really well thanks and I also liked your outfit you look very fresh fresh and clean I had a fresh haircut yeah important

for television you look great yeah Conan and and how funny is Andy too I love he's great he's fantastic damn he's really really great somebody sent speaking a top dog this uh a talking dildo embarrassed that they said sounds just like top dog oh okay you want to see it yeah so does this sound like top dog to you oh yeah you are gorgeous absolutely beautiful yeah how about that top one to your top very very slowly oh yeah very nice oh my god did your dad do this does that sound like him to you yeah yeah uh blue band was like do this thing sounds just like to me I think it's a little different like my ear is so

tuned to his voice it's pretty similar you think so it could be yeah I could pass for him oh that's undo your problem oh no the lacy oh very slow yeah yeah that's nice very nice very nice I'm gonna throw up can you stop why I touch it's a dildo that just talks your skin is like silk it's beautiful this is what we want to hear this is what you want to hear no and the voice is an older gentleman like that's that's a thing he sounds like 50 plus yeah or 60 plus and if you're using one of those you're probably not 60 or 50 press woman what do you want to hear though I don't know I don't want to hear anything no you're doing that you don't want to hear a man no I don't need to I don't want to hear anything but if you

were to hear a man would you want him to be like oh you have smooth I don't I don't know I don't know why'd you shave so much like when your beam is full you're so full I'm gonna throw up that's a weird that is a weird weird toy yeah I don't know why it needs the voice that's a little I mean I'm sure somebody out there is like that's perfect for me yeah that's true it's always like that just like that's sticky buttholes for somebody I am ready to explode oh your touch is so soft do you picture my dad when you hear that I kind of do you like it especially since last time we learned that he likes lacy bras which is disgusting I turn I told that on Conan I know yeah I like you see through the nipples

I'm gonna throw up I don't I don't like it see nipples and such and other stuff ugh they're nasty so nasty damn you know it gives your dad a boner I know gross so weird to hear his boner stories yeah I don't think I'd want my vibrator to talk about anything why does it have to have any kind of conversation with you I don't know I mean I definitely I don't think it does it for me to have if it was a toy that was like oh baby you're so hard right I wouldn't be like yeah this is great it's kind of like real fake you know yeah I take I would I would think it would take me out of it more yeah me too be really distracting like why is this guy telling me this stuff like you don't say that in real life to somebody like oh your breasts are so full yeah and wow your

touch is so soft like I don't know I don't really yeah I never had to get if guys said to me in real life I'd be like what why are you talking like my dad dude yeah I'm very ready don't explode yeah and it's like an old guy voice too it's not even it is should I write this it's totally nasty it's super nasty man super nasty anyways so we went away on our our little mini vacay with our little jeans just the three of us yeah and I noticed a phenomenon um amongst the couples which we've been talking about this a lot on the show is the shut it down look and well for dads the shut it down is generally I mean what would you say it's cool stuff slick stuff sweet stuff shut it down dad is the white um new balance sneakers I'm talking uh khakis or maybe some light colored denim with

some brown braided belt it's um button down it's over it's over it's one testosterone just leaves the body entirely and then for the women I think motherhood can shut us down and and that's when the ladies cut their hair off or let it go gray and then there's like coolots and it's important to note that neither has to happen though to either well no that's the whole point is the struggle is real though you really do have to fight to maintain your sexuality and your sex appeal to your spouse especially as you get older yeah man it's a battle it's you gotta wipe your teeth the funny thing is you see people shut it down in their 30s yeah 40s 50s and stuff for sure but you can see the shutdown occur early yeah I saw see them you're like man you're like 30 years old

yeah why are you shutting it down already dude yeah well I saw the saddest guy you weren't you were in the coffee place and I was pushing lj around and there was like this like attractive late 30s gentlemen gentleman and he was dressed like cool like he still had like shorts on he was he had his beard trimmed like he would look youthful and the wife had totally shut it down like shed short hair like you and it was all gray and then all gray grayed out and then like like kind of dressed like you right now like a polo shirt and then like khaki shorts and then the jesus animals oh man and you could just see like the sadness in his eyes like you know he was looking at like other women walk by like oh that's what a woman I remember that when I met you I liked you like that but

you're not into boners anymore yeah it's so sad yeah but what but here's what the thing is that like the there's the shut it down phenomenon where only one person shuts it down and then the other person like is really well maintained so like what's going on there when one person's one of them that's called the path to divorce one of those sometimes I think it's actually fetishized like interesting but smeller kid there interesting because I know I don't know about it the other way as much but I know some dudes that really like you know I mean at least really big women yeah so that could be perceived as like oh does that person not care but actually they're turned on by they're really into heavy set yeah yeah that's totally big old flappy sloppy rolls yeah you know I mean

that's a that's a turn on for some people well one time you and I were in the Bahamas somewhere and we saw this couple and that the dude was like ripped he was like 150 pounds just just there's wasn't an ounce of anything extra on it really was and totally ripped I had the six pack abs yeah totally looking good she was four bills really no she was very large yeah and she was like oh man oh man she uh she needed she called me over to pick her up from the she had like sat in the where the waves break I'll never forget I will never forget I gotta get up and he had to pick her and he had to like use all of his body weight and strength to get her up I'll never forget it because she was sitting like in the shallows of the ocean and the waves kept like pushing her inland

and she was kind of riding those waves because she couldn't stand up it was like too hard for her yes she's huge man and uh I'll never forget the image of him pulling like pulling her up and I thought wow what's happening like what do you think this was a slow progression and he was like I'm not he but the thing about that guy on this particular couple while it could be that like oh he loves her or he's trying he seemed broken I remember that guy he didn't there was there was no joy in his face yeah you know everything about the way he carried himself like a sad man like a beaten dog yeah yeah it wasn't so it wasn't making his schmackle hard I don't think I mean I won't know unless I talk to him and reach down his pants but yeah I felt like he was not the type that was

like this is how we're really into this it seemed like it's interesting she was a I almost picked up that she was abusive that was my version of her like her fatness was a form of abuse to him that's what it seemed like to me yeah yeah it definitely oh yeah how did we not would think about this when we uh we're playing this smell don't burn what your ass smells like right what your cock and balls smell like and there's again guys yeah there's no women in that video there's no women in it run your finger along your crack if your ass you don't need to finger your hole you don't want to come back with shit on your finger oh shit dummy it's a very interesting piece of advice stupid who says that that guy that dog trainer that pup play master what a fucking asshole

I love that in that thing he's like we're just trying to train these dogs like he's like really doing a service to people uh just so you know coming up in a little bit here we will have the great miss pat joining us she has a new book coming out and it's called rabbit we both got copies of it we'll be talking to her very shortly it's exciting she's got quite a live story crazy story great comic very very funny if you ever have a chance to see miss pat I would definitely go yeah she's fucking hilarious yeah she's really really great she's a movie to LA where she she's in India I think she's in Indiana not India yeah but yeah so she's what you said I thought you said India India oh yeah yeah yeah she doesn't live in India you think I've met that's what I was saying

Bombay yeah yeah no no no she was like a Punjabi no can I read you an email yeah please so I thought this was very thought-provoking and I always want to bring these emails to your attention and to the collective consciousness okay what's up jeans my wife and I were laying in bed when all of a sudden I farted and it sounded like a quiff this raised the question why is it called a quiff quiff doesn't really fit my wife's suggestion was a fussy a farting pussy but I think it should be called blower because it just sounds like air we all enjoy oh we will enjoy our moose soup while waiting for the answer keep it high and tight hitlers Eric I'm a little confused do I fart yeah he farted and it sounded like a quiff oh which led them to the thinking of why is it called a

quiff quiff doesn't really fit yeah but wait a minute though but he just farted right but a fart can sound like a quiff right but I mean if if he farted right it's still just a fart I mean farts sound different all the time it's still it is called a fart yes but then it got them to thinking because it sounded like a quiff not a fart I understand that oh what I'm saying is anytime anybody farts and you fart out of your but I say it's just a fart I mean this doesn't matter if it they can sound like any number of things right why would you give it a different label though because it sounds different well no no no so he that's not the question the question is why is a quiff called a quiff not what is a fart that sounds like why is a quiff called a quiff

correct like it doesn't seem to match it should a pussy fart is what a quiff is oh okay so he's saying it should be called a fussy oh okay okay right like why is it called that and I mean I have a theory I was thinking about yeah yeah I mean hear it I'm real excited the British word uh for vagine yeah fanny quim all right or a fanny a fanny fart but quim right so maybe it's something to do with that hmm quim the origins of quiff yeah that's where I really don't know quiff but there needs to be a name for it which I think I thought quiff was widely accepted it is widely said but it doesn't I think he's right in that it's not a logical deduction it doesn't make sense why the quiff it should be called a pee a puff a part like when we were trying to come up with a

thump correct yeah correct yeah now you see it a poof well let's look up where quiff comes from maybe okay okay I wonder where quiff comes from do you like big tits it's a real do you like big tits for you do you like big tits go see Cristina do a stand-up now we're talking stand-ups go see Cristina do a stand-ups it might be hard for me to find the etymology okay let me try it here origin of quiff let's see what it says yeah god save the queen I was just reading that okay there's no Spanish word for quiff a quiff the sound of air escaping from the vagina during after intercourse is slang for vaginal flatch we know that but we don't know

here we go and interestingly in 1686 although less frequently than previous definition quiffing meant sexual intercourse especially had with or by a prostitute okay meaning a quiff has changed and it's like a history of a quiff relatively derogatory towards women okay I don't fucking know yeah any any no nothing nothing nothing nothing anything I mean it doesn't give us the etymology I'd have to read it closely but it sounds like it's been around for quite some time yeah it's one of those words that you will find like for instance scumbag yeah did you know that it's because the condoms were called scumbags scumb you feel it was scum yeah isn't that nasty isn't that nasty yeah and then come just comes from scum yeah right you dropped the s scumbag right

right come back so it probably is one of those you know 1600s it was like a funny thought yeah yeah a quiggly I thought she was gonna queef gosh a bit much wow it's really nice yeah okay anything else yes so uh we were talking a lot about twin dicks and if twins that are identical you have did you find out some interesting dick news I did this comes from James he writes um hi hey hitlers I work with a set of paternal twins what are paternal twins is that correct uh fraternal yeah not paternal a paternal twin maybe that is a word I don't know the other day we were discussing podcasts and I brought up your very scientific question do twins have

identical penis well it turns out in my cohort out in my co-workers have conducted an in-depth comparison in their case they do in fact have identical penises oh it must be a fraternal it's like a autocorrect probably I'm assuming and they have identical fraternal dicks yeah same size same shape same everything right down to the curvature so even though they're not identical their penises are so yes this is fraternal twins I thought you would like to know this piece of information in your quest for truth keep it high and tight James oh my god you guys are so disgusting uh well it's funny because um ryan sickle cell sickler is a fraternal twin and I mentioned this before he said they've they've done comparisons and they have different dongs

wow brother yeah well the mysteries of life everything uh the mysteries continue the mysteries continue and moving on to our blind series of questions we've been asking a lot of questions about the blind can they wipe how do they know when they're done wiping uh and this is an interesting one too hey mommy this should be easy I know this could seem like an obvious question but after hearing the superpowers of blind people knowing when they are done wiping just by their senses I thought this could actually be the same way my question is do blind men always pee sitting down to me this seems like an obvious yes because they cannot see the toilet god I never thought of such a provocative question and we never know if they have any extra spray to clean up but maybe their

superpowers are strong enough to handle this again thanks for everything I would absolutely love glass in the podcast every week well here's what I would say to that I mean at first you go of course what a brilliant thought but if you were blind and you know your space right you know your toilet you could still just be like oh here's the toilet and then you would know where it is you know how to aim and you also can hear your pee hitting the water well interesting I mean have you ever uh in the middle of the night gone to pee and you stand of course every single time well then there you go and it's dark in there yeah but I've done it in pitch black and missed a little like in hotels you know I mean like oh fuck and then but you do you generally do it by like

here it is like you kind of get a like a sense of it's right here and then you go by the sound because your pee stream hits the water in the toilet and then you also you hear like the the the porcelain you're like oh I'm off to the and you kind of go back down to the water you know fascinating I never knew this I never knew all this like going into a urinal I mean I would assume that if they you know you know where it is you could aim for that I mean but it's an interesting question I think it's interesting we have a deaf question too here it is uh how do deaf people wake up oh my god oh my god how could we never have asked this before thank you for answering life's important questions like how do blind people know when to stop wiping and who identical

twins have the same size penis I have one that's been bothering me for some time out how do what deaf people wake up in the morning I'm talking about sound sleeping deaf people who can't wake up to some weak flashing light alarm or a tiny vibrating alarm you keeping your bed right um keep it high I don't know that's a great question I assume that for the deaf they must sell a really strong really strong version of a flashing light and a vibration I know a lot of vibration goes a long way with deaf people sure yeah I'm gonna go with smell uh because a smell can wake you up but how you can have a smell alarm well um well we have those those misters in our room whatever oh so like one of those goes off good smell machines what we have you put something in there I mean

you know how you wake up to somebody cooking breakfast downstairs I don't know why they can't make an alarm clock no you're right I mean I remember in in high school we played a deaf school once for a not for a regular season game but for a like a spring game and they had somebody hitting a drum on the sideline for the snap count oh wow doom doom and then they knew like go on two go on three go on oh no so they felt the vibrations yeah also yeah so vibrations yes we're sitting there like just you're so used to somebody going like blue 32 like nothing you just boom wow yeah we fucked them up we fucked those deaf kids up really yeah but do you think it's because they were deaf and totally yeah no but I mean I thought it was interesting you know that is interesting

and once you like think about it like oh that makes sense yeah they can't no one can do a snap count regular one mommies since we use mr to talk about males and miss and misses to talk about females what word do we use to refer to zimzers like ourselves Zach huh oh they are zim so zizers and this is oh that how we would if they are zims or that's their pronouns then all right so here is the oh right i'm right because you go like here's mrs p right fuck well this is crazy because does it does the non-binary community completely eschew the mr misses distinction because they're non-binary right i'm non-conforming gender equal right i would prefer that you used my what's your pronoun but i guess they're trying to say is like are you trying to

to denote whether this person's married zims are you know that's what i'm saying yeah that's the question it's a good question it's a good question so then how do you like because normally you'd be like here's mr so and so here's so let's say you're presenting someone right who's non-gender conforming would you say here is this is right do you see that god damn it that person said that that that old snl sketch pat was anti trans propaganda mm-hmm what do you think fucking stupid yeah i think it's silly to presume that 20 years in the past people had the forethought of being transphobic like it just was like back then guys that's just how people were and it was a funny fucking sketch everybody loved that character pat i don't think anybody had any

intention other than making people laugh back then this is the person who uh who said it jill soloway is an american comedian playwright writer director soloway identifies as non-binary prefers a singular they pronoun one best director for afternoon delight also known they are also known for their work on six feet under and for writing oh so this is they are the creator writer director of transparent well look wait a minute though they were married to bruce gilbert and then separated and we i wish we could ask jill how she would prefer to be it's not she shit they how they would prefer now here's a problem with a they however as a pronoun is that it denotes a plural right it's not a singular person they are yeah it's it's it's problematic i'm not sure that they

is still the best pronoun for for this you know what i mean yeah hmm i just don't in the english language i'm not i'm not sure i don't know man that's um but i thought that that the the story was absolutely absurd yeah that that pat was no propaganda i don't think that was a funny sketch and that that sketch in my memory i mean yes it was a while ago was like universally celebrated as just a really funny con like the concept of pat if you never saw it was that you didn't know and so people were always like i don't know what right they were actually everybody was trying to be respectful yeah they were pronouns they didn't want to hurt pat's feelings and so the whole thing was how they were tap dancing and kind of around that was the

whole thing that dancing around what gender are you and then it was funny then they would try to solve it and they think they got close yeah and then they throw another curve yeah and it was always really i thought it was very cleverly written you know at the time i don't remember the exact details but i thought people loved pat i thought of it as hateful or anything i don't i don't i don't what's your pronoun i think i think i think they need to go to therapy and yeah whatever i mean like if you're offended by something 20 years ago that s and l did like i think you got bigger emotional fucking issues well i think they do have those yeah issues you know what i was watching on netflix uh fucking police academy man oh yeah that would have set some people today i'm sure

you know what and i would think that too but it turns out all the underdogs of society are actually the heroes in that movie if you think about it it's high tower it's officer jones with a timetable that they always get the punchlines yep and they're always goofing on the white commandant and the white male oh it's like punching up yeah when you watch it again you go oh this isn't really that offensive like i mean there is one thing where steve goomburg tells the spy the spy for the commandant he goes what are you guys parting this weekend he goes oh yeah come to the blue oyster bar oh yeah whatever that and it's like the gay dudes yeah but even so what happens is they end up dancing with the gay dudes and it's cool like it wasn't that it's not there was a lot more back

then there was a lot of gay punchlines yeah like if they be like i miss that gay yeah that'd be like the big thing the big joke that somebody was gay yeah yeah so what should we go back and protest all those things well i'm upset anti-gay propaganda well and also look kim cattrell was in it and it was very sexist there are also parts where he's like what are your thighs like and she was like they're creamy or like what you know i'm deeply offended of course how dare you how unfeminist it's just like the gays yeah i'm very offended by steve goomburg what he did you know 30 years ago in a police academy movie i can't fuck with i can't i can't deal well you know what the problem is it's not that people are offended it's that we're rewarding people for being offended over

horseshit like this the fact that the media anyone's applauding this this but i was not publishing that article is crazy right why are you plotting what are you talking about this is rubbish it's that's not a story and i mean propaganda that would that would that would mean that that sketch was developed to get has a deeper meaning than just the silliness of it you know right it was it was meant to have the social ripples come on man of the non-binary stuff right let's relax right now we're 28 thousand nine hundred dollars with smooth i like that foreign dads talk like that i feel more yeah oh yeah you know yeah they curse a lot more and they're way harsher it's not that bad i'll fucking do that again i'll push you out i'm

telling you i'll fucking push you out this guy's related to me yeah it's good to have yourself look that bad i'm gonna fucking push you out i'm telling you you do it again get out he's really upset it's really fun we'll go back to fucking Queensland or something i drive all the way we'd be fucking in this shit don't listen to your fucking smelly farts now it's fucking freezing cold in here would your dad get this crazy no no no no first of all he's not bothered that's true he would you know he used to get like funny funny upset was my uncle dave he'd go when did you cut a fart yeah when you cut a fart shit holy shit oh he's like Jesus christ you stink and he would be like but we would laugh and laugh and laugh he would be like

kind of fake up but like kind of genuine upset but it's funny it's always fun when someone gets upset from a fart yeah that's when life is worth living he would be upset my dad really would be like he would go oh that stinks wow that's a bad one that's the big reaction yeah when he rolled down the windows at least did you fart take a shit yet like that your dad doesn't even get mad he's so sweet yeah he's very low key my dad was funny when i would fart he'd be like fool i'm buddhist with boys make like you're so stinky you're so fucking gross really and then rolled down the windows i heard a buzz just came in oh a buzz just came in oh i didn't hear it well i don't hear anything you don't hear it no it must be your uh your line my line huh your

earbuds i don't know when i cut that uh that channel it kind of it helped you want to press pause and figure it out all right all right it's better yeah you know i wanted to bring something up before i wrote it down yeah i had i took a fish oil pill like a week ago for our cholesterol and then i burped uh an hour later and it smelled like salmon in my mouth yeah it's gross that was terrible yeah really bad that was nasty yeah yeah like i'm muted did that go away yeah you know i did i accidentally hit the pfl for yeah but we're good for i've had those fish oil pills and it's like you it's like you just ate uh a fucking like a salmon buffet or something you keep burping it up all day it's nasty as hell it's super nasty as hell

yeah yeah it's so gross get out you fucking pig michael that's enough get out i'm fucking pulling over oh it's got bad fucking bad it's revolting look how happy michael is well it's nothing better than making your parents that happy or something stinky of course charo would get upset so upset ah she's very dramatic and she would be like you're sick like she would do that whole thing you're sick get out i'm fucking pulling over and you can run over seriously i really can't get that fucking brick off hurry up get you stink fucking revolting seriously i do your

favorite you're fucking fucking shit in me face oh my god that's fucking revolting what are you doing are you fucking stink bitch off i'm on fire oh what do you mean eating your dirty fucker oh my god that's called a protein bar a protein bar that's really funny that's called a protein bar they're mom's Australian yeah they are a protein bar that's called a protein bar that's called a protein bar protein it's fantastic Queensland do you want to see uh a super excited guy um a guy who's super excited by bees course he's really pumped if bees and insects are capable of emotions what would that imply i mean

can you give us an idea of how your tits can actually be absolutely on you these critters are amazing they get sad they get sad pessimistic at times bees are summer thrill seekers just like people no no and they can count at least to four they can be trained to arrive at three four and five different times in a 24 hour cycle they vote these insects these little beings are extraordinary and they're central to our very existence on planet earth i have a pet peeve with people that are animal experts sharing what animals feel and think as if they know because some researchers research was done when he goes they're pessimistic some are thrill seekers did you talk to him about it did they they tell you how they felt that day how do you know that what

you're interpreting is sad is sad it's an it's a bee what's the what what what is the behavior that you're like oh he's fucking sad right they have no way of knowing this guy he's always an adrenaline junkie this bee over here how do you know that yeah i don't that's stupid it's ridiculous they can't count to four either count to four at least there's no way well other than produce look at this crazy guy producing honey look at her tits you can see her tits how do these they should lower this a little bit this kaira look at that you can see her tits i know but i see them uh five hundred and seventy seven billion dollars for instance each year 75 this guy's out of his fucking mind it's super annoying at least 2.2 billion pounds of honey 44 million pounds of

bees this is in LA yeah of course this guy's a nut he probably lives in the canyon somewhere and some of the most powerful yes it's crazy pain and uh uh cancer and uh their medicines and well the un has warned that the disappearance of bees and clap she doesn't look like there's a an actual newscaster no she looks like an mtv vj from like the 90s rattling the cages those glasses don't seem like real glasses no this guy's fucking this guy's out of his mind he's so crazy i bet you he knows how to eat a box though bam but i think he has like super healing skills i'm done i'm done we've got some nasty deadly poisons neonicotinoid poisons that at about a dozen parts i hate his shirt i think he goes to like uh those masturbation

seminars yeah where he sits in the circle you got it and he's like you can stroke from the top and you can one of the things i like to do is i switch hands yes you go back and forth and you build up you build up that stand yeah and you just keep going and then you don't release yes he's a tantric guy this guy yeah and as i said earlier we did not function 7.5 billion procreating humans without the bees we he's guys out of his mind yeah i can't even watch it i know it's so irritating much he's actually too much it's crazy he's crazy rub rub rub do you think miss pat will like that guy oh my god which guy the b guy no the rub rub guy we should show her we should show her rub rub yeah i'm gonna make a note of it we should show her

the i the the dad boner of uh we can show the b guy and we can show the the canadian i like the trans canada highway yeah dad he's great i'm just curious to see her thoughts what do you think she thinks oh we can ask her about the smell of ass kid yeah something's wrong with him sure i bet she'll think something's wrong with him yeah yeah definitely yeah okay i just burped and i burped up broccoli i made broccoli for both of us today and you gave me a stellar review of my cooking what i tell you you go well it doesn't taste like shit yeah that's what you said to me i said that the because usually steamed broccoli it smells like farts and it tastes like shit yeah and it's not but yours tasted good i don't know how you prepare you didn't no you didn't say

good at the time you go no it doesn't taste like shit and i was like wow what a stellar review yeah i could have worried it differently but i all you said was it doesn't taste like shit i know i meant that it tastes good it doesn't taste like shit well it doesn't it doesn't taste as bad as it used to all right let's take a quick break taste like and well you won't know we took a break we'll be back in in mere milliseconds with the great miss pat joining us she's beautiful oh my this is your uh medicaid daughter the first one the first first daughter all right we're rolling right now just so you know okay oh we're she's always someone's gonna give me a shout out so i can get some holes i said i'm not gonna help you eat ass okay ashley do you eat ass hell yeah she

don't ask for that please don't okay well that's interesting because we were talking about far far and ask is that high enough you want i don't hear oh you got to give her some more volume i actually i think she's not even plugged oh that'll help oh yeah that will help definitely give her some juice how's that you hear now better far yeah do you hear that yeah okay you know what i'm saying did you hear that i love your imitation of black people that wasn't an imitation that was an actual black person i don't trust your ass at the last time you cheated this shit out of me i know my people that's real that's real i promise you i lost on one i lost you're the you're the only person to lose that game no no no no no no no no sending castillo

she came in uh she was within one of one the whole thing okay okay okay yeah something juicy that's a black lady my my son calls me juicy he does and i tell him i said that is the most inappropriate shit you can say to your mom juicy something somebody you want to sleep with stop fucking call your mom yeah that is we're in public what's up juicy i'm your fucking mama how did he come up with that he just called me juicy all the fucking time um speaking of nicknames uh so the the new book comes out later this month is called rabbit and there's a i mean i was curious about that and then i'm reading the book uh it's your autobiography and you mentioned that you got the nickname rabbit because i think was was your grandfather came home no my stepfather stepfather kurtis came

home one day and saw you like knowing on on a carrot he was like you eat a lot of those your eyes gonna be pretty that's the biggest fucking lie my eyes now who i'm gonna eat my eyes blue i'm gonna eat my eyes blue because i wanted when i was a kid for some reason you know i jerry this before jerry curls yeah so i really wanted to be white because if you're in the book you really want you know you leave it to be evil right i wanted my hair because my mom wouldn't come my fucking hair and i figured if i had that kind of hair this before we yeah i could straighten it out we would get a jerry curl once a year and once you're jerry curl 30 the 90 days old that's it you fucking got an african afro so i wanted to i wanted to straighten my hair and i could

i forgot to fuck what i was about to say oh about having blue eyes and oh yeah so i wanted blue eyes and i wanted to be white and you know because leave it to be we had a perfect family somebody that's like eat them cares and your eyes be pretty i ain't something fucking cares my tip my my my nose got strong from biting into them bitches with my eyes in turn blue and my head in straighten out man it's like uh it's an amazing amazing job that you did with the book what thank you it is like a roller coaster of there's parts that are just like heartbreaking and like i mean you're like you know the struggle that you went through in your in your youth it is heartbreaking i mean you know that like reading it i mean there's there's parts that like you're

kind of uh you know you're you you you're happy that you find your way through it and yeah and there's these moments of of joy and things that you could but like it's it's heartbreaking to to to read about you know that the struggle you went through yeah i mean but you know what's good about it i think it's a balance you know one minute you crying and next to me like this is crazy then you laugh and there's next minute you cheer me on i don't want to like get away too much but like you know i mean like your grandfather's story i don't know do you want to talk at all about him i mean it's just he was you know my he's a wild bad ass yeah he was a bad ass i saw him on a regular every weekend choked this shit out of people and throw him out the door and i couldn't

understand why they came back every week this isn't giving up too much because i mean so your your grandfather basically ran a bootleg house a bootleg house which was like you know if you want a place that doesn't shut down that serves drinks you can go to this house all the time and your granddad has moonshine and like people could just kind of wild out and have a good night right yeah and friday and saturday was a club there's a club yeah and you know back then everybody did the album so everything the music yeah you know my mom and aunt was a dj the kids getting the flow and i fucking hated it because you were literally fucked he would never put you out unless you act like a fool and he don't whoop your ass other than that you could get drunk you didn't you didn't

have to drive just sleep over you wake up you next day who the fuck are you that sounds horrible that the the work you know there's there's different things that you read that make you feel and think different different ways but one of the things was the idea of being a kid and having strangers asleep in the house that seemed like that would suck right like what today it was suck but you know that was my environment you know i would never have it happen to me but when that's your environment that's all you know you know it's like going somewhere you're like what the fuck do people ain't got no shoes but they don't know shit about shoes yeah yeah yeah so you wake up next to some drunk motherfucker or you won't wake up and you can't curse on this

oh i'm sorry i'm kidding you know it was it was the norm yeah it was the norm until i got out of that environment yeah so it wasn't scary because nine times out of ten you knew the drunks they came every week yeah yeah you know that's the truth what you're saying sorry i don't mean but yeah when you grow up in something that's so bananas which is your life story is so bananas you don't know what the time that's nutty until you grow up and you start raising your own children i'm assuming yeah what the fuck was that about you know the biggest shock to me when i uh and i'm moving past the little bootleg house when you come back but when we grew up we were so poor and we ate chicken back you know off the back is the ass the little ass they look like a chicken nugget

so we ate that shit every week yeah the chicken ass so when i grew up i was like y'all don't eat chicken ass so nobody ate chicken ass nobody but us that was poor people chicken nuggets yeah now that was a shocker to me right because chicken ass was good until you realized it was a searched thing is chicken right and i threatened my kids all the time i was like i should fry up your batch of chicken ass there's a sale chicken ass in alana by the pound really so that was the shocker to me that the crap we ate and that was a treat though at the time right like you you you thought that was that was part of the chicken you were supposed to eat it yeah yeah my mom used to fry up cow brains all the time and give it to me that's a hungarian thing and i was like what the fuck is this and

she told me i was like never again but that was that was cheap i guess cow brains yeah i mean and then they make it taste so good like yeah i won't eat yeah i won't eat nothing that remind me of being poor really i work too hard to get away from that crap yeah i hear that yeah i can't eat no spam i can't eat no cheap no cheap bread my husband like you are the most bougie person i know i go to mcdonald's they make my food hot he's like pat this is mcdonald's i don't care yeah yeah i hear you though but i mean i work too hard i cannot eat like i go down the aisle and i see a certain type of it makes me angry spam yeah make me angry spam's nasty though but not back in the day because we didn't have bacon so you fry that up with some grit so some fat back that was a good meal right

but you have the ketchup sandwiches the ketchup sandwiches yeah and it was never name brand ketchup it was that watery stuff that went inside the bread or sugar sandwich or mayonnaise sandwich yeah my kids don't know anything about that do you actually she may eat chick-fil-a all her life i love also i mean there's so many good things in the book but i love the uh like the honesty with which you talk about everyone in the family but like your mom too like yes like a lot of people wouldn't be honest about it you know tom it was hard because when you've been a you know it wasn't until i became an adult that i realized the stuff that i really went through the abuse that i've went through yeah and one thing i learned from this book when

you've been a lot of people who've been abused want to put a protect their abuser right and that was in the writer had to tell me you put two people i'll kept protecting was her father my first kid's father and i protected my mom and i said don't write him like that he was she was like pat it's the truth i said but i don't want people to think of my mama like that or i don't want them to think because she would say he's a pedophile and i was like he's not a pedophile he was my boyfriend she was like excuse me you was 12 and he was 21 or you was you and you gave birth at 14 and i think he was 22 or something like that it was an eight year difference he i know all i know is i was 14 she's like that's a pedophile uh that was my baby daddy she's like

no pat they didn't protect you so that was really hard sure for me to let to because i kept putting up walls and did she i mean obviously it made it in but like so was it her that convinced you yes she had to sit me down and make me realize that these people did not protect me wow we cried so much with this book really we cried that was time i would tell her stuff and i could just hear break up in her voice i gotta call you back and then she was like you know because i'm four i'm 15 with two babies by a married man and she was like what the hell the and you know what's crazy he signed a birth certificate and no but do you need a damn id to sign a birth certificate yeah even in 1986 and 1987 you need a birth certificate yeah and i mean i'm not a person you need an id

he walked in as a grown man and signed a kid who just had a kid birth certificate and nobody questioned it so when she started bringing all this stuff to my attention because i lived it i really never paid it in attention it made me so angry good i was like this shit they just they didn't give a crap about me yeah they literally did not give a crap about me and that stuff kind of it really it really i mean it really bothered me because i never thought about it because when i had her i'm 14 years old dropping out in the eighth grade all i wanted to do was survive all i wanted to do was keep up from being molested keep up from dropping not survive so i went to sell and though i mean a can of milk with four dollars but i had to steal it because when i tried to get a job

and i was 15 nobody would give me a job and i was literally tucked him on the interview one day and say this is my job this is my work permit actually not kill me them but it's like get your ass out here you're supposed to be in school yeah yeah but you know that that was the hard part for me it was just all about surviving was making the transition into selling dope uh was that difficult at all no they did it they did it was selling drugs first yeah so you know he got a divorce because i had the second baby so he went on to the next girl like he always did and so he started selling drugs but he was still paying my rent and and you know i was so young and dumb as long as i was number one the rest of the hose didn't matter right but he never lived with me they lived with

somebody else but i always told me i was number one yeah so he started selling drugs he was paying my bills so i kind of agreed to the arrangement okay you know well you needed to also keep your baby alive and you know yeah to feed him so and i mean i'm too young to get a job and he got locked and that's when i was like i really had to survive and at that time i was only 16 when he went to jail for selling drugs where would you go like to actually like in this at first i went to the projects because that's where all the drugs was far from where you were though no it wasn't that far my girlfriend had a friend my girlfriend had a boyfriend who was a drug dealer and um we went over there and i would try to sell it was just too many people it was too much competition yeah so i

ended up back in my old neighborhood and posted up on a corner like people would i posted up at a friend house i went over to some old friends house that i grew up with and got the whole family to sell and drugs what even their christian mama really i never forget the day she got burnt got busted by the police yeah they took a fake leg off and found out a dope fake leg oh my god the police put handcuffs on her ass and that leg and i hold them all i love um i love you know the stories about you guys your mom discovering the church too oh yeah you know i tell you i was so naive i had no idea that you was only supposed to be baptized once until no lie about five years ago i was on the phone with my friend and we talked about

baptism yeah and um i was like she said i said yeah we got baptized like i got baptized like 20 sometime i think it's 25 she said wait a minute i said what she said who the hell baptized you 25 times well how many times you've been baptized she was like once i said who the hell baptized you once you're going to hell and so she said now like pack what what happened and then i had i remember i said oh my god she was running a scheme because we would just show up at different churches wow and she's like keep your fuck keep your fucking mouth shut don't ask no questions just get in this water i get this check and we get the fuck up out here so we she would literally open the phone book and hit different churches give them their sad stuff but that's back when

churches cared about you too yeah and when she discovered the white churches oh she lost her damn life because they would do even more hell yeah you know back in the 80s it was guilty white people want to make sure that they that they get in the heaven let me help this po black family they wrote you know you go to a black church they'd be like one item at the pantry bitch one item just one item white people would be like oh the whole patron's give what you want god is good all the time so here goes my mama with three checks and i'm about her wallet already god is good all the time they're throwing shit shut the fuck up they're throwing shit now hilarious we would show her wedding shit i hated it i'm like mama how long we gotta do this but that shit really must have

been like salvation though it was it helped her with the rent it helped me know food on the table yes i mean we hit those different churches that's how we ate yeah that's how we ate and we would drive you know out because you know you had to join a church back then to you know to get baptized and get help so we had a lot of members she was paid no time there was like one of the things too is like you know it's writing is good writing and good storytelling when you go i don't know the experience but you still feel it when you talk about how you know when you were a kid and you're watching commercials yeah food and like you could only dream about it yeah you know i didn't have that experience but i could like step into what you were feeling my world yeah i could step into your world and be

like oh like you're so poor that you don't have access to even good like to mcdonnell your mom's like black people don't eat mcdonnell no she said niggas don't eat mcdonnell they dance mcdonnell they dance mcdonnell you've been on a double dutch commercial double double lamb fish quarter pound of french fries i'm like mama take us to mcdonnell she said niggas don't eat mcdonnell i said come on she's like them niggas gotta dance tell me when they eat a burger and they never ate a burger you're so right they were just dead dancing so i really thought black people didn't eat mcdonnell whenever she didn't want to buy shit she said niggas don't do that niggas don't do that i was okay you don't do that okay so you like think to like okay we don't do that

that's a crazy thing to grow up with which is just like culturally we don't do that so where there are lots of things that by the time you became an adult that you kind of had to unlearn all that yeah when i became a drug deal i went straight to mcdonnell this is the way you back down the first thing i did was she lied to me we can't even eat burger king and chick filet all this shit you know but she never said she couldn't afford she just said we didn't do it we didn't do it which is a different thing then i can't afford it when you hear that as a kid like your parent tells you like oh okay that's the way reality is oh yeah you said yeah that's like oh i didn't know that okay that's what we're supposed to and you know what i think is really wonderful about your

book and i think white people are going to be drawn to it it's because wait did you say white people not white people white people white people i thought you're like white people are gonna enjoy well white people black people whatever people um is that you always like to read other people's fucked up shit first of all because then you can go oh my god at least my shit wasn't that fucked up but also to go hey other people's shit is fucked up yes and the fact of it is more people have fucked up lives than have good lives yes uh because i do another podcast called that's deep bro where i talk about my life and and people writing in are like oh my god i didn't know anyone else had the same shit that you had growing up and that's why this stuff like this is so

valuable not only is it funny but they get to know somebody you who has transcended this past and look at you now like you have a great family you're successful you're a great comedian like to see you on the other side of it i think is really cool too yes and that's all i wanted people to realize no matter which isn't it's not about how you start it's about how you finish yep i mean you know i don't think all white people had easy lives just like all black people and all chinese and and every there's there's i think there's a struggle in every in every nationality yeah that's what i learned like i thought only black teenagers got pregnant because that's all i saw i didn't see white people you the case work on the fucking the police officer who dropped our food

by our house yeah because he knew my mom was alcoholic that's the only white people i saw so i thought when i got pregnant in the hood only black kids get pregnant that makes sense that you thought that yeah i am then when i started doing comedy because you know i change when i change my life i shit all of that shit off i don't know shit about the ghetto i don't know i don't know new dance and new music yeah nothing when that's what you remember the most the dances of course well i cut it all off and when i when i started telling doing comedy people from all walk of life would come up to me it was like oh miss pat i went through the same thing i never get i saw this white lady and her husband had on the ascot anytime get on the ascot you supposed to have money yeah

you just assume that person got fucking money and she whispered in my ear and she said i had my baby at 15 wow and the bitch had on the ring beginning my fucking eyeball yeah and i was like are you for real she's like yes i had my baby at 15 thank you for telling your story and that made me realize we all go through the same shit yeah some people just scared i was in Atlanta new years and this black girl said i had my baby at 15 too she said but i'm ashamed how can you talk about it i said because bitch i don't care i don't care what nobody think of me she was like you brave because i could never she said i don't even tell my child my age i don't give a fuck what my kids think about me they don't feed me they grown fuck them i can't file taxes for my kids don't give a

fuck what they think about me i mean i kept them from getting pregnant yeah yeah i was like what why did you beat that into people's heads what pregnant like getting pregnant young i think i beat her gay yeah i was like stay away from dig stay away from dig i was like god damn i was gonna say dig you know uh she say she was she she was gay about fourth grade right ashley she's a fourth grade right but she saw a lot too so i don't know if it was a bad relationship between me and her daddy well she saw a man just constantly beating on a woman yeah here ashley goes no it's just like the gays oh yeah she's no i'm gay yeah i'm yeah i'm gay ashley sitting behind us on the couch for those of us who aren't watching on youtube yeah yeah so you

know what the strange thing when she came out gay i had you know i had already been to jail dead time and i really didn't like gay women gay men was okay but i did not like nobody raped me anything i just didn't like gay women sure and so i say what you don't like god put it in your life and when she came she she ran off and you know quit school and we we we didn't have a relationship and then one day i finally found out after two or three years not talking to i was like what's your problem are you gay and she said yes well come on home bitch you it's a lot of pussy here in that land we've been friends ever since and then she tried to help me help her get hold there you go that's awesome mom hook it up no i'm not hooking it up okay why not i'm not hooking

it up that's strictly on her whatever she get to eat that's all her we have some things we've been talking about we wanted to show you first of all this is a which one first you want to do the how to rub yeah so to your opinion on something this man is teaching guys who who want more control over their orgasms had had to sharpen their knife their penises yeah and um so the women practice on the egg what do the men do okay the men the first thing oh hey i have to start this thing they recall sharpening their knife and this is what he says you have to do so the whole key is very simple you get a oil we call the the baby oil baby oil okay and you put it in and now you put the penis to warm up in the

cold winter you warm them up you get a hot towel okay and you make it warm and you put it here make sure all the blood flow now you get the penis out yeah you pull the skin a lot of people they never circumcised so they have the skin so you pull the skin and you get out of the hand and you run hand go like this you rub rub rub rub especially on the gland penis rub them the gland rest okay because you make them strong and not sensitive now he's saying that he wants like in order to build up that control you need to rub your dick 350 times 50 50 down he got me when he's saying pull the skin back who's fucking somebody who pulled the skin back that's your grandpa penis pull the skin man what the fucking way is he at

that's why he's rubbing the shit out of trying to heat it up yeah yeah once one right side 50 times left side what 50 times front 50 times back 50 times down it's like what okay how often am i doing this you have to do every day until you can control every day so this guy is obviously shitting his pants yeah he's telling this guy saying that he jerks off basically 350 strokes a day every day but he the control is keep yourself from nothing yeah yeah yeah i'm sorry i'm gonna use the wrong word keep yourself from coming yeah yeah wait after a week of doing that shit you shouldn't be able to calm you should be sore you put you're rubbing it to the right rubbing it to the left up stairs down and you he's chinese you know that thing ain't that big he don't rub him he got an

invisible penis and he don't rub it away it's a lot of rubbing he just got to set a ball that's all he maybe that's why he can rub rub so much this is so small so i'm sharpening the knife that's you're sharpening your knife okay all right if you're not sharpening the knife there's the number one number two you have to learn how to contracting the prostate gland so this guy is also saying that when you as a man when you feel the orgasm coming stop and feel it internally but don't release it it's a lot to ask well i don't know nothing about that yeah i have a penis well so is that like stopping a piss in mid acid kind of okay so people cannot separate and they they don't know it they scream on the anus they say don't work because they so when you contract the prostate

gland because male g-sport is in prostate gland right so when you contract the prostate gland in the front and you feel energy activate here so you contract and you feel here activate not when many ejaculation the pressure of the ejaculation is from the prostate and contracting okay so i'm exercising exercise one okay and for people have prostate gland swollen up or problem this one you solve the problem okay just that contractions but you need 300 you need to do 300 300 that little chinese man problem is what he don't eat too much of that fucking fake rice in china he's crazy he's nuts he's crazy i just think he's a pervert and who likes to drag his dick a lot and then he's like here's my method yeah he's trying to make it maybe but he's just like a dude that likes to

drag off a lot and now he's turning it into like a thing like i'm a guru until you feel orgasm and he'd listen to really i'm gonna throw up orgasm without ejaculation what watch so you feel so you see when you do when when you get it it's very quick two two times you get it no he's pissing in jigs he's pissing in jigs he is peeing in vagina they need to rest his ass it's nasty she thinks he's super nice wait miss power i hate him i hate him what would you make love to him no hold on chinese first of all i date outside my race but i don't go all the way over there wait what's what's your race spectrum for dating just black just black so far you would never go white uh i don't i yeah i guess come on give me a think so they're not it white men's are not

into thick black black they don't even like fat white women that's not true that's not true there's black guys are the like black guys love fat white white white men they they they that's why you usually see fat girls with white me black men so i mean i've never had a white man to hit on me really ever that's hard to believe you know now i do since these podcast they think i'm sexy they think i'm cute they want to fuck me wait you know back in the day no what about okay but the rub rub guy what if i were to offer you a hundred thousand dollars cash to do what time sex with him as you would you sleep with the rope rope guy for a hundred thousand dollars uh no i don't he it'll be easy because he really got no penis and i'm big he'll stick it right in my navel

because he's kind of deep and he'll think he's getting it so i take your hundred thousand dollars upon this that should be easy yeah so can i fix her mic it's killing me yeah what's going on just a bit the visual part on oh yeah yeah i want to see her okay that was a wrap quick wrap so you wouldn't ever date a chinese guy huh that's not gonna happen i would love to see what they're very small so what what i'm gonna do with them you'll tampon no i don't think so i mean i i don't think so i'm gonna be honest i i probably could do a white man first but i've never seen a chinese guy that you know i thought was attractive i'm quite sure

they don't think i'm attractive either yeah well that's honest i mean think about this we always in and out there still buying hair and one never hit on me we always in they shit buying black hair product and i've never seen one was it like that was it uh asian owned uh in atlanta everywhere everywhere yeah they don't tell you where they get that fucking hair from they would not tell you my god really they would not sell us if you're not asian you can't buy hair i was uh fascinated by that uh chris rock documentary yeah good hair that was really really insightful i had no idea black women spend a lot of money on their hair that was crazy i spent about 500 on this fuck yeah because the front is a lace uh what is it called actually lace frontal so it costs like

150 175 something like that and it thins out quick so about three how do you need another one and the back um it's bundled so i spent about 400 300 400 so in a year it's just thousands and thousands of it could be you get the good hair that'll last you a whole year so all you gotta do is replace the front but if i'm doing tv or something i buy a whole another one five six hundred dollars but it hurts yeah and to have the uh because you have to braid the hair under correct yeah that's under there does not hurt or you get used to the pain well i'm i'm very i used to be very timidly headed but i've done it so much that it doesn't hurt as much anymore yeah and it's it keeps the damage off your real hair too you know like we can't we can't straighten our hair like

that every day we can't curl our hair like the shit i do to this hair you can't do it that's so funny that word tender headed because i i feel like i would be like that you know like i have sensitive scalp you know they have they have uh lace front of for men's now you've seen that you're saying i should get it i should try it no have you seen it actually show them the picture it's fucking wow for dudes white and black men it is the most crazy as shit you could be having sex in your hair slip off and your man has slipped off too but it looks so real now i'm telling you the barbers are doing it you got men's doing men lace fronts all right you do it tom at least look into it yeah i'll look and once they put it on you they give you a haircut with it so

everybody's fake in Atlanta yeah you can't even fucking tell who got the fake hair the man or the woman wow you talking about speaking of Atlanta uh tyler perry yeah gary strait i don't know stop it he got a baby stop it no he do have a baby why are you doing that to tyler why you gotta do it because i feel like it's a big it's like it's a secret not secret monique just came out without it and missed somebody was gay i don't know monique did you didn't see how that big thing on the internet here is tom what's that but they're putting a weave on him oh my god holy shit it is wow wow this guy looks really good oh wow that looks but it's also like in the you know when videos are shot you're like oh this looks good on the video i don't know no i've seen men's with

it you really it is the bomb all right now there you go you can get long hair like that guy i'm gonna come no no it's gonna cut it they're gonna cut it into a haircut oh okay oh so they put it in and then now they'll do okay and how long would it stay like his hair like this you gotta keep getting it redone like once a week once a week oh it's glued down yeah oh it's a lot of upkeep it's a lot of i could see like meeting someone you start dating and then you're like just keep your secret and then all of a sudden it's like oh my god year and a half later and y'all go swimming yeah and you're fucking half piece fall off you're like um i haven't been going to AA meetings every Wednesday getting my hair well what about somebody with a fake ass so you know

that's crazy yeah that's true see how he did it he was white yeah that is the bomb yeah he was white we kicked him out yeah he was he's cute i'm telling you that's the new shit now when you sat down miss pat i think it was right before we started rolling you you said that i was regular white and and let's start let's talk about that what are the levels of what yeah tell us about white people it's it's like you guys are regular white okay i don't think other race of people scare you right then you got that uh then you got that uh uh uh unconnected white just only see white people right right yeah so when they see other people they start sweating and shit they start thinking about everything they seen on the tv bad in the movie thinking this motherfucker is an actor who's gonna

run up on him and do the shit they seen in the movie yeah yeah yeah then you got two white that's the real real rich people one of the zigz i said hey your sandals are cute where you get them from she said i've seen your link so i learned this don't ask rich people what the fuck they get this shit from the link came in six hundred and fifty dollars that's more than two of my car notes put together that's a bitch i have to walk i was insulted i was like woman um why would you send a poor person a link for some sandals them shoes automatically became ugly as fuck to me yeah if she um i think in that in that situation if somebody goes like that shit's nice that you got and you know how much it costs you should be like yeah i forget where i got it yeah like

like that's what they say that in the hood but they don't want you to go get it right right so you know they want to be to shove them a hook in the hood that's right but if you you know you's like uh there's about six hundred and then you turn me off oh okay well they good for you yeah but don't sit me on linking you know you got to open up a link can you talk about what um you know what you're doing as far as i saw the uh put pilot well me i was on a podcast all of you guys together and uh a guy from uh imagine her at me he heard me uh i thought what a book came from all of you guys and he heard me on uh mark maren and some other ones he heard and um he took me over to well i hooked up with lee daniel because lee has a deal with fox yeah

with 20th right he's a huge writer producer for those who don't know for empire um the butler and pressures and so we took it lee daniel imagine in me in 20th took it to fox and they bought a put pilot saying that they would shoot the pilot and if they like it they'll pick it up from series and it is the hardest shit i have ever done in my life what's what do you mean when you say hardest what is it what do you mean it's just a lot of back and forth that i'm not used to you know saying start over start over i'm like what the fuck is wrong with you people yeah you know that that's the thing it's just you know i don't like this why you don't like this then you got to explain stuff and they still don't get it and then you know i don't i'm not a tv exec i just know

you say you want to do a show about miss pat all i know is miss pat i don't know this other shit you're talking about the premise of the show then follow like is it you right now is it it's me now me moving into a uh uh me leaving Atlanta moving into my all white conservative neighborhood got you you know opinionated and you know do what i do in my real life yeah kids growing my so if you do that that show will be shot out here i assume right yeah it'll be shot here and are you guys about to start shooting or we well i had a writer it didn't work out so we just got the writer who did everybody hate chris so we have a meeting tomorrow hopefully they'll tell us go write the pilot that's the stage we've been trying to get great great great so once we

do that hopefully we'll shoot about i told that's exciting miss pat it's worked to me you know what i come from a world where this is how i talk myself don't believe have the shit you hear have the shit you see and none of the shit you hear yeah so it ain't real to me until i put it in my hand yeah this book ain't real it's real now right but people are all you got a book bitch i don't know they could tell the first time i wrote we wrote the book they said put it in the trash can and started off that shit blew my mind i was like bitch i need that money i started a layaway yeah yeah i've already spent the money yeah but i can't get the money so that shocked the hell out of me you know so you wait you say you wrote it once and they said throw it away start

over yeah she was like it was a great decision but at the time i couldn't understand because i got so mad yeah oh my god i got so mad i was like i wasted a year of my life and you're gonna tell me to start over yeah oh my god i was ready i was fired up they had to calm me down really yeah because i mean where i'm from here was it like the publisher that says that they go it was the editor they go this is just not working well she says not working it's too dark we had to take out some things rearrange some things but i'll tell you once i calm down and we finish this book that was the best fucking idea really at the time you i didn't see it you know i couldn't see what she was talking about but now it made the book her idea really made the book better for the the

pages just turn on it now it just yeah you know i don't know it was too dark it was a little too dark yeah you know we didn't want the audience to put the book down and go feeling sorry for this little black girl standing together i want you to take these horrible stories and laugh at them the way we wrote them yeah i want you to say okay all right all right miss pat you fucking up again i'm cheering for you and then you laugh and then you cry and i want all type of emotions and that's what this book got now at first you probably would have got through the first 30 page and been crying like i'm gonna gill all your white guilt yeah i don't want to feel all that way i'm so over it so we wrote out all the white guilt and good oh that's a great you're gonna move way more copies

i sure hope so god dang it so you know it made it a better book but you know the whole tv thing is is it's the hardest thing i've ever done it really is yes because i mean i i pretty much raised myself so i don't take no for an answer right because i know how to get out there and hustle and do what i need to do but then you got these other people who's calling shots in your life that's the that's the thing for me that's the thing i don't like i don't like you telling me what to do sure and you know it's their money they're gonna tell you what to do they're gonna stand the hotel they say you're gonna do this you're gonna do that now they're wonderful me they treat me they treat me really fucking good i feel guilty because we ain't got a show and i feel like i'm taking

their money right but you know the whole thing is that right now i can't call the shots you know that they listen to my opinion yeah but ultimately they're the decision maker yeah they're the decision maker they're making the show so that's the thing that really gets me i understand that yeah but i mean there's like a whole like corporate culture too that as a comic especially you know we bypass a lot of that corporate bullshit because we perform live for a living and you don't have to deal with it so when you have to deal with it creatively it's so fucking frustrating yeah all the you know circle back put a pin in it yeah uh you know and i first realized this back in 2014 when i was having sex with my girlfriend i noticed that she had this really strong smell of ass i really liked it i found

it really enjoyable and arousing it kind of smelled like this rich odor of body sweat combined with the smell of shit basically what do you think of i gotta tell you this uh it was we had a my grandad had a customer he was a childhood friend of my mama he grew up had he grew up his name was tamalea i now forget it he you know down south we got them thick ass sense yeah so he would could he be like back back at a big george that's what they call my grandad give me a cup of ass he said you want a cup of ass and they will pick at him so bad because he couldn't say eyes right he couldn't say that i always ask for a cup of ass we were having this conversation about you know dudes are obviously bigger pigs you know like men in general are you know animals so this guy's talking

about how he gets aroused by smells like funky smells on women you think women ever have that same thing christina says no i mean it would be a you have to be a real fucking savage woman the average woman's like not wired this way i would say what do you think actually ask her oh you're aroused by a funky smell vaginas what about what about a real stinky ass yeah i see you look like you like stinky ass actually well that's what this guy just said just so you know we're not just throwing that at you this guy said that he likes a stinky ass you know i know it sounds disgusting but it smelled really nice to me i really like the smell is that

weird or is that weird because he needed to smell me on the wrong day he was actually in the room near that stuff right oh yeah he just ain't smelling right now he's smelling that uh that uh high school vagina yeah he smelled of a giant and i had a couple of babies on she did only seven feet on the penny line i guarantee you changing he even gets aroused by other like this check out this smell you remember that iranian girl that i met last year in japan the one that i asked if she wanted to have sex with me and she said no well one of the main reasons why i felt so attracted to her wasn't because i thought she was pretty or cute it was because she had this amazing smell of armpit every time she sat next to me in my room i could smell this strong rich bitter smell of armpit and

it was really arousing he like armpits yeah and stinky assholes oh yeah he likes armpits and assholes he said iranian yeah he was in japan i guess an iranian girl was there oh wow he need to go get a couple of them all what's the people named is wrapped up oh yeah well you know middle eastern yeah yeah yeah i wonder what he liked it after that yeah he made a trip maybe you go to Saudi Arabia and then they wear black too a lot of them in the middle of summer oh Jesus their assholes have to be very smelly yeah that's a ripe sweaty stinky asshole i want to do the women have on clothes up on it they do so like because i yes they do and a lot of them are wearing like Chanel and dior and they're very wealthy like some of these uh Saudi ladies but then they have to cover it out

in public but then they know amongst themselves the whole culture of like what you got on under there bitch and then they yeah now i got shop they love the shop to play for you do you think this is a white woman or a black woman okay oh this one's good yeah why didn't you please hear charlie honey yeah that's charlie oh my god oh my god get your passenger she said get your pants that's a fucking white woman that's a fucking hillbilly no one first of all i know she she's white yeah you were there a black person never said get your pass and they'd be like come back and get that nigga you don't drop the n-word will be all up in there and that was a black bird who would never say fucking passenger you know we should ask miss pat

what remember that girl we had last week who was dropping n bombs left and right oh yeah oh yeah we had this debate do we do we have her on yes yes watch this video and i don't know let's start there is there ever a time when it's okay for a white person to drop the n bomb like if let's say they hang out right so this person's get real comfortable like real comfortable just here you watch oh stop she looked she looked over show the folks she started record you see that shit right yeah but have you seen this already yeah she's real comfortable that's the whole thing so i actually said if you couldn't hear her that she's dating a black guy this is the white lady we played last week who's dropping n bombs and ashley says she's dating a black guy so she feels like she can

right play it i haven't seen it oh you're gonna know that's about my little comment and my little post with my nigga guess weibo at the end of the day i'm still gonna go home to my nigga and fuck him and get my pussy a while you hold just sad he's gonna beat the shit out of the hole when she get it out right who you call nigga white bitch i mean this is by the way the beginning of it i mean she drops like a hundred uh shunter you and your daughter sad as fuck bitch why would you wish death from somebody you don't know this that's real sad she sound black yeah right and my hair go down might be a little fat never claimed to be skinny oh she's real black right she's she's blacker than me she got the lips and

this bitch is black i mean you what can you say with a white girl got she got this bitch have cloned some nigga she's uncloak ashley she black i mean she got the neck twist and look at her lip no we were talking about that's a thing how familiar and like how she she got the culture yeah right she more than black dick yeah right i still don't see centella and i don't see nasty bitch ass where the other one is i forgot her name you were irrelevant anyway but i still can't find you i don't care what race you are babe i'm not racist them bitches just got me fucked up but it's just the black bitches that's talking so that's why i said black bitches they gonna be lying they're gonna hurt her they're gonna beat her ass now do you think she's ever it's probably why she's talking

she like this because she's never had a fight like she's never had her ass well she gonna know she gonna get her ass beat yeah she gonna get her ass now she will he probably gonna beat her ass but it's just amazed me because i'm looking at a white girl but i'm hearing a sister yeah right i mean she got the demeanor all down so she she could really play that that game i played with you when you cheated on but i mean she would really fool people right yeah she would she got it down but then i'm a little fed but i still got some ass and thighs now i never said i was standing but i bet i can ride better than any of these bitches in this group though wait so okay so this is the debate is like she culturally that's like uh rachel dolezal

yeah that whole bag of worms okay culturally she identifies this way but is it ever okay no it's never okay because if she was standing in a group and don't care how much you my friend yeah you cannot you can't say that she wouldn't and then she do you think she would uh no no way no let me tell you something about when the white people say that yeah yeah um honestly we feel it i mean it's like yeah we know listen we feel it like if you if you stuck your hand on a hot stone for some reason when it comes out of a concave caucasian mouth yeah or anybody other than black like we do it just a throw away but when you say it hurt yeah it fucking hurts i totally believe you i totally believe now she's so black i don't feel it

now but do you think when you say the hurt the the hurt thing like i totally believe that do you feel like it's different when somebody does it hurt when somebody is trying to trying to appropriate and like drop it casually like oh you know what i'm saying like when when someone drops it like that yeah you still feel it you still feel like pain like in her context shoot that would be that what you're saying yeah you will feel that that will upset you you'll be like what are you doing yeah yeah it was like it will be we will it will feel like great racism yes we will feel it yeah casually i mean if you're doing it mean no matter what we feel it yeah yeah and it's crazy it is correct and i think it just passed down through our ancestors through slaves we feel

that pain from that word and you know we and have i have shit to do with slavery but it's just it's automatically hate when it comes out of somebody else's mouth you know and i think the reason why we said so much because it was sad to our ancestors so much and it was said to you know in the 60s and stuff to hurt us so much now we finally got control of the word sure yeah i know you say nobody ever told white people they can't say it it's not against the law to say it right i guess after enough marching and ass kicking white people just realized well we're gonna go and let y'all have it we're yeah yeah well some of them some of them some of them mean the way we going now with our administration it's free to do whatever hell you want to do it's not even oh god the bitches in

here ain't got no more fucking back wearing that no shit they swear they can stop but a bitch think lower my mama and lower my sister now what's her accent where is she from when she's south right but like what part like not at lanta tennessee alabama see i i was thought i thought alabama alabama i heard at lanta but for yeah she could be georgia too she's a deep she deep see what i was telling her was that i thought if she lived in georgia she lived like 40 miles outside of atlanta you know like she lived no she could be right down the west end where i grew up at i mean she got the demeanor the neck rolled that's how they talk down south fast slick you know so many words she said i'm like what the fuck that mean so she got you know it's like you listen to ti rap

song you like what about ti i'll just say it's happening i can understand ti but something like migos i'm like i don't know what the fuck the migos are saying at all my son be rapping that shit i'm like you're rapping this shit but you failed a high school graduation take turn that shit off i read what the migos are saying i don't know what the fuck they just me neither yeah i'm like i don't fuck this guy saying bad bad and bougie i was like what the fuck is bad and bougie what is bad and bougie actually just be bad and and wealthy i don't know yeah it's so that that the migos things are phenomenal to me i don't even know you guys are talking about the migos the hottest fucking little rapples in the world she's i'm like i'm

stuck in the 90s she's a she's a different level of white to me i don't listen to that she needs i'm white too i got health care i feel you cursing i'll be like turn that shit off what michael jackson hey fuck it i listen to r kelly oh my god i really be peed on in the trans like that bullshit the migos are saying right you're like what the fuck they just say who's that guy what used to play all the time the not no no he was a rapper too and he always had wisdom he was talking about no i mean i mean on the show oh sapphire i mean i mean you know he was very very drawly you couldn't understand and we would try to figure out what he was talking about oh god you know what i mean he's talking about pussy a lot too and you're talking about plies yes plies oh god

he he got a he got an instagram account what's that sad i want to be nice to that pussy today i want to treat that pussy like i'm straight i want to massage that pussy then i'm gonna season that pussy then i'm gonna eat that pussy to eat pussy yeah do you want to put season salt on the pussy that's how much black people can cook they put season salt on the pussy white people don't even put season salt on the chicken you said to a white barbecue yeah that's the most horrible shit you can eat white people can't barbecue what's shit but it'd be decorated it'd be i went to a white barbecue and that shit was laying i said woody motherfucking white fold on thong down i said what the fuck y'all y'all cook meat with no fucking season is that what we're doing wrong

it needs to be saltier way less flavor way less flavor oh my god it ain't shit on now so now when i go to white barbecue i just bring my own season salt in my pot right don't cook my shit i'm gonna season it up and throw it on the grill ain't nobody got time for that yeah for sure um can i ask you question about prison real quick yeah was it at all like orange is the new black that's tv bitch that's tv hell no hey when i was in jail it was i tell you when i was in jail it was this homophodyte and so you gotta remember i was like 18 19 they know the fucking homophodyte walls so it was a thing with the little wieners the little the little cliques they done grew out you know yeah is they called

myphodite now i'm aphrodite i'm aphrodite i'm fucking up the word because i always fuck up words so she i walked in the room one day and she was eating and digging her down with a little dick and i said what are you bitches doing they ate so much pussy in jail really oh my god if you one gay they was gonna turn you gay they didn't fuck with me because i fought all the time yeah i fought all the guards were cool with it like they just like oh yeah they didn't even fuck about you eating each other out no they ate a day it was so much pussy eating in now i'm telling you that you can't it will it blew me away i didn't even know really know what gay women did until i got the prison really you know you walk in the room one got another one in they both are tiddages in each

somebody else's mouth well y'all just cool with this i guess that's a good way to kill time i couldn't get on they put they give you that kool-aid shit and they put this shit to keep your vagina from jumping around but that shit didn't help them wait what you know they give you that drink to keep you from getting horny wait i don't know yeah they give you they put something in your drink to kill supposedly keep you from getting women's prisons yeah women and men that shouldn't have them business eating each other yeah they must have not been drinking enough of that shit man they were eating each other to death that's the thing that bothered me more because it was nothing that you you will have somebody watch out yeah and they will go at it oh my

they had orgies and everything i was in i was in my roommate was a crackhead that i used to she was in jail she kept going to jail for prostitutes and drugs so she could sing her ass off but who and that bitch got clean she's the same me to sleep every night with me marriage a blah that bitch could say i i gotta tell you this story is kind of gross so we love gross look so i had never used a tampon in my life right so in jail they give you tampons a more tampon than pass so i was like i don't know how to use the tampon so you share your room with your roommate i don't stuff the court bowl and everything in me and i'm walking around so oh i'm hurting so bad that my roommate was like i was wondering when you're gonna take the court board out you put it in there

but i didn't want to tell you we're doing a bitch i've been walking around with court board now i was all my my thing was beat up like i had been in my thing was beat up and you're like plies with season salt you're pussy you're pussy my pussy was beat up now how about the shower situation i'm not talking about getting raped and shy i'm talking about like there there's no doors on the stalls in that show and it seems like you had to go shower at like five in the morning so that people don't fuck with you was it like that no they weren't you know they weren't raping them or nothing like that you you saw you saw girls taking showers together but it was nothing they were what they did how long was it again how long were you locked up a year a year i uh i

was going that bitch with my uniform on my dirty uniform and washed up on here and my vagina and then go to my room put on my dry shit oh really i was just not comfortable because i used to have this thing where when you when you a new when you come in the jail they'd be like trucks up trucks up that mean you look good and somebody's gonna eat your ass so every time a new load of chicks come up trucks up and they'd be up stand picking them up that one that one that one that one i feel like that's new slang to start using works up trucks up just one you know some pretty ladies walk by trucks up like that yeah they would they would yell like trucks up and so how did you avoid getting wiped up like isn't that isn't that's what it seems like it happens in women i wasn't

gay i wasn't gay you was not sucking on my ass and you know i had a real ghetto baby daddy that would make you call on jesus right he couldn't read but he could fuck i ain't gonna lie he couldn't read a lick y'all were getting lost because one no gps begging them days and he couldn't read the street sign but he could he could he could make love there you go yeah he sucked his thumb too but and it's 30 suck it is thumb really how is he thumb sucking it was like a i don't know he's still sucking thumb 52 and he'd be roller skating he'd be roller skating he's a fucking gay he's your daddy my daddy oh yeah he's so gay he's had pump pumps on his roller skates he's gonna like to pump pump with the little bell yeah because he was a pedophile and i didn't

realize he was ringing bells to get more young girls but he loves this game he suck his thumb oh my it was dumb as a boxer rock i remember when we we got locked up one time with shooting craps and i jumped the fence and he jumped the fence because he could run his ass he could have been a track star and i got stuck on the fence and i couldn't get over so he came and pulled me down and we all got arrested and so we go to court one day after after i cleaned up my life the case came back and we had to go to court so he called me all these fat bitches and shit so i you know i i wasn't even a comedian all your fat bitch you showing out why the judge ain't in there so i said i'm gonna get this dumb motherfucker i waited till the lady come in she said y'all sign these

papers and y'all gonna get probation i said excuse me you all know this nigga can't read he only can sign axes whoa the whole courtroom fell out laughing i said i got your ass good grabbed my kids and walked up out of there nice he's you know what's crazy he is still mad he i talked to him a couple weeks ago he's like i don't have no relationship with my son because because you ran off and left me and you i said dude you beat me you shot me you gave me gunnery and crabs and fleas i supposed to keep sticking around every friday get punched in the left eye i gotta grow up one day yeah and then he'll tell i don't have a relationship with my son he won't even call me i saw what he would call you i said but you ride the bus and every time

you try to talk to your background it's too loud so you should wait till you get a call so when your background is you know a lot more quieter so you can understand what the fuck you're saying well you don't want your son around uh guy that's abusive anyways though right well my son don't know him my husband raised him he's like i tried but i don't have nothing to talk to him about all my son is remembered as a pair of shoes he never bought i don't even remember these shoes he said dude told me he's gonna buy me a pair uh a pair of cleats for football and he never bought him so but he always saying i took his kids away and she live in the land i'm like call her don't worry about it he's just guilting you that's what that's what crappy people do

they make you feel like shit for stuff that you shouldn't feel like shit for you know what i mean yeah and then he goes to my i'm gonna sue you when his book come out i said dude you can't read first of all i'm not ready to sue me and i say if you do you're behind you've been on behind on your child support since i know you so they're gonna you're gonna sue me they're gonna cut me a check right back so please sue me yeah yeah no he's not gonna don't worry he's not doing i'm not right about this claim Christina and i want to pay to send you to a seminar would you consider going to this if we you know we hook we set up the whole thing okay are you serious yes just hi melanie i'm scatio with ecstatic hearts tantra and we just want to share that there are many ways

what the f so they're having a hug orgasm and we want to send you to their seminar and then you come back and give us a we'll send a camera crew with you and you try to it's only a full weekend you let me waste your money you're coming to my house that's why you learn how to come hug though you don't want to learn you want to hang out with those two guys pretty much what i do at the house come home wait now what caliber of white people are these two stupid ass white people taking other stupid ass white people money for real absolutely like black pastas and my dumb ass wants to give them money to send you to the how much do it cost i don't know yet but i'm willing to pay whatever it is

actually you want to go to the comma hug with your mom they got this similar when you hug people then you come she got a new girlfriend i call a big foot she's wearing big foot along with you yeah i'm saying were you in big foot girl she got a big old bitch she big in her brunch i think she brought a husband where you get that big old motherfucker from she would be gay i don't know nobody would put her legs in there how long have you been with big foot actually oh it's dating for six months she don't ever claim them that's new she don't ever claim them we're dating we're not in a relationship i'm like come on dude once you get the vagina you go together

well lesbians from what i understand it moves pretty quickly too oh yeah it's a new it was she have a new and every thanksgiving and i try to tell the new one this time i say if you don't make it a three thanksgiving and you don't count we don't even lock their phones in until they make it a three thanksgiving and i literally have no lesbians numbers locked in my phone really she get rid of all of them yeah wow one thanksgiving this is good for her doing well well she's ashley's young she's still you know figuring it out i don't know i tell her i say you're such a slut you it's just like your real daddy you just got so many hoes good for you good for you this is not good for her i would like to have cranky i would like for her to use up a vagina

the right way she's you know this is part of life right she's young beautiful she's doing her thing right now playing the field no she need to get married we that's that's why everybody how is she 31 tomorrow i'll be 31 oh happy birthday yeah but you you should you should settle down you should get married these people don't fault for your rights i mean that's like black people not vote now after all that shit they don't skeet them all over the king down the street and she that man did all of that shit you should fall let's try to try to keep them laughing when i say they skeet them all you should have seen yeah holy fuck you i said that they're skeeting them down the wrong so i mean all this gay shit all this gay stuff they fight for they're right she should be

getting married i mean they fought to so she can get married i can get married already come on yeah get married to have some plastic babies i won't plastic grandbabies yeah yeah dude she'll do it yeah well what's wrong with you maybe it's big foot what if it were big foot would that be okay i don't care who it is yeah i'm gonna get married one day to big foot there you go she said she's gonna get married one day is it gonna be too big foot i'm telling you it's almost about the end she ain't no good oh no hey we were just following her lead we didn't know don't be on the phone while i'm calling her big foot she don't like me to call her big foot huh huh she knows i do like big foot oh shit but she's not gonna last we just wrecked a family right now

damn it sorry i'm almost over okay ask them will you ever date your mom oh my god we found um of a mother and son they got married what yeah you lie no i'm gonna show you this and then no these aren't on your mom and you're my son and i if all i love with him yeah that's the right are you really i said yes i am he said you know what i was scared to let you know too i am too we're both consenting adults if uh if uh it comes down to it you know it's just like the gay they're you know as long as they're over 18 years what is that race they in well race are they what nationality yeah they're latinos for sure thank god yeah they're not white but they they could be you know what i mean and their actions they're kind of stupid i mean i know they

latinos are great for making babies but not with your mom and i was your mom it's not good no and they let they let them get married no they got they got arrested they went to get married they went to jail yeah they went to jail they should have went to jail she should have that bitch should have been chiming last day yeah it's crazy it's crazy these people are great you know the funniest thing i love telling you start on over i've told you but this lady it was it was in Atlanta so this lady tried to help this black kid a black lady get his life back together so she said well you clean the kennel kennel's with my dog in it take care of my pet bulls and i'm gonna i'm gonna help you pay for your gd i'm gonna pay for your gd and get you back on right track

with her next to a neighbor film tell him i'm fucking a pet bull literally fucking a pink bull so the police came to the door and said well this is he's been doing to your dog and the lady said he raped my dog somebody said the dog said that is the funniest shit the comments had me holler i peed on myself this fucking guy the girl said rape i said y'all some low damn motherfuckers he fucking fucked their dog he fucked y'all too bad boy she said oh my god they're gonna need counseling they raped my neighbor i said that's a no that's a no that is the most funny the internet it's crazy yeah what is wrong these people how can you marry your mom i know marry your mom and mentally all what y'all find

this shit at everybody sends it in people send it in oh this is the they should have liked i hope she's doing time i yeah i think she is i mean i hope she's sick in the head she probably touched them as a kid yeah yeah definitely oh somebody touched her that yeah she's touched definitely just don't that scare you these people it's scary you to put a kid out in the world absolutely it's supposed to all this crazy i don't want to think about it i think about it constantly how fucked up most of humanity is yes all the time yeah it's it's a horrible thing it's terrifying you know i have uh i have four my i have my niece custody of my niece four kids from age four to nine now she's on drugs she ran off and left them and when i first got these kids

four years ago and um they had been exposed to so much bullshit y'all when you come out of the hood in a messed up situation you have PTSD for sure i'm telling you these kids would tie their shoes real tight and i would take them to the playground in my community and i said why y'all got your shoes tied so tight they's like we might have to knock somebody out i said not in this fucking community i'll tie your shoes they would say the craziest stuff because they've experienced they're like in a war zone they was ready to beat them white kids ass at that point and i was like you won't gotta do that they'll share their stuff with you it took about a year like that she would go to school and they would call me all the time you need to come up here because my my niece told

her whiteness she's on the black kid in her class yeah they sitting around talking about their parents she's like oh i can't wait to get my daddy to get out of jail because i'm gonna stab him in the neck she was in the first grade oh she's scared that they called me up at a principal we need to talk to you i said white people y'all gotta calm down the kids been through some shit that's all they know how to fuck up their parents it's gonna get everything good oh okay it's gonna get better fuck me that is so good now let's read uh so people know what date does the book come out the book is called rabbit it's the autobiography of miss pat august 22nd and i'm doing a big book signing that morty's in indian in indianapolis great club uh huh uh oh yeah okay okay i'm doing a um i'm

doing a book signing august 25th august 26th so please go out and get your tickets it's gonna be fun along with the four shows great um i'm so excited for you miss pat and i'm so proud of you having that guy it's so fun so fun you're so talented and you deserve every every bit of your success and we're rooting for you and and sell millions of books well i hope so y'all come on let's read yeah let's uh if you don't know how to read you have until august 20 second to learn you should have heard me reading uh the audiobook oh my god i can't wait for that download that yeah i was but a book signing at morty's august 25th 26th great great are you gonna perform too or i'm gonna perform too it's a show too so you can get a book you can get a sign and then you can watch me do

comedy that's awesome that's awesome very happy for you miss pat thank you so very much thank you all right guys thanks for listening to the show and um uh make sure you check out miss pat's new book talk to you later we'll see you next week what's it called tell him rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit right wipe your b-hole dry rub it always jam on one hey rub rub fat dick the fat that the rub rub i'm hugging the fat that you guys are doing good

good dick detectives doing good breaking your drawing open there's a lot of stuff in there i can get it out dick doctors come dripping from your beard itchy bubbles kind of don't like when they spray paint sheep i don't know what's going on you should you should now go pray oh man she you guys are doing good how'd that feel oh great

you