Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 415-Tom Papa-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: September 27, 2017

If you had 3 foot long nails how could you wipe your bum? Luckily we have a detailed example from a gross person.  The great Tom Papa joins us for some good ol' making fun of people get down.  We have your emails and they are very offensive - thank you for sending them.  PLUS, if you're white and you get a great tan, are you now black? One completely insane person thinks so.  Pull those jeans up!

Gene, we're going to be doing the podcast live, October 8th at the Sperm Vine Improv in Irvine, California. Get your tickets now. Go to tomcigura.com slash tour or Christina online. Get tickets. Come see the podcast live. It's a lot of fun. You got your work cut out for you if you're in Sperm Vine because that that Breastballs Beach crowd was just crazy. They were nuts. So we'll do it. It should be a lot of fun. This week, I am in Albany, New York, Reading, Pennsylvania, Portland, Maine, and a huge show in Toronto at the Sony Center for the Performing Arts, TDOT. I'm very excited to be back. Very excited to play that venue. Should be a lot of fun. Please get your tickets. Always go through my site. Anybody,

I get message every week. Oh man, these tickets were like $160 and I'm like, what are you talking about, man? That's because you googled it. You type something in. If you go through my site, I always take you to where to get the tickets. Don't buy these marked up scalper tickets, man. There's fucking robbery. Don't do it. Go through the site. You can never get screwed there. Gene? Oh, Gene. Come see me October 3rd in Nashville, Tittnessy. Tittnessy. That's good. Yeah. Duh. And then October 4th in Charlotte at the Comedy Zone. And then with my Gene October 8th at YMH Live in Spermvine. That's good stuff. Also, don't forget, Mother Inferior drops on Netflix October 10th. So watch my special. That's what's up. This is

Fresh Latin Heat by Eddie Bojangles. Thanks for the instrumental, man. Oh, the sounds. That was horrible. You just lost thousands of people doing that. No, what's more horrible are that or my sneeze. Your sneeze is the worst thing ever, but the second on that list is what you just did. That really, really, really made my ass whole cringe. Do you want a divorce? Not yet. Yeah. Ozark. Move there. Please bookmark your mom's house podcast.com. Check out the clips. Check out video of the show. And of course, please do your Amazon shopping through our banner. You have a US banner. We have a Canadian banner and a UK banner. It's all the shopping you would normally do on Amazon.

It's through our banner, gives a little kickback to the show. It's a great way to support our show if you dig it. I would say let's start thinking about those holidays. Let's start thinking about hollow jeans costumes. Yeah. I purchased our hollow jeans costumes on Mama's on because why go to the store? I know. And I'm super excited, by the way. We can't announce it yet, but we have this amaze-ing. No. Amaze-ing. No. Amaze. Excuse me. Christmas thing coming that I'm super stoked about. Super pooper. Yeah. It's going to be great. But if you're going to do your Christmas shopping, why not do it on Mama's on? Don't travel with gifts. Are you crazy when you're flying across

the country? Do you think TSA is going to be cool about the carry-on gifts you're bringing? No. They're going to unwrap them. They're going to ruin it. So just ship them ahead of time. Use our banner. Sorry. Oh, I can't even have it recorded. No. Damn it. Damn it. Yeah. I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't do that, guys. Fuck us, either, just to be clear. We're joined here. I just want to make sure I'm saying right. Is it Tom? Well, yes. Yes. Tom. Tom. Tomay. Do you ever get, by the way, on the phone sometimes it's super frustrating when, I mean, I'll say this, I could tell sometimes it's English as a second language person. They'll be like your name and I'll tell them they're like, I'm sorry. I'm like, Tom. And they're like, could you spell it? I'm

going to go T-O-M. And they're like, Tom. I'm like, right? Have you not heard this one yet? Is this a new one? Because it should have been one of the ones you've heard a lot so far. I do feel like it's super short. Like it would be like a two-syllable name, like, you know, at least. Yeah. Right? Christine, like people can like go with you. Tom, like it's so, it is, it is like, and then you can hear people go, John, I'm like, no, no, no. I understand that. What's more alarming are the amount of people who are so lazy that they've known us for a while and they're like, how's Christine doing? I'm like, oh, that kills me. I've known you for five years. For five years, you haven't gotten our name right? Oh, we have these good friends of ours. We thought they were

pretty good. They're good friends. But we haven't, and so they're, in their defense, we haven't seen them in like a couple years. They've been, everyone's been traveling. It's been rough. But, you know, we were pretty hardcore vacations together. That's close. And she said, so how, and what grade is your oldest in? I'm like, did you just call Angie the oldest? Yeah. It was like, oh man, I guess, I guess we're completely out of your mind. You don't think about us at all. No, we forgot. We forgot. We forgot your child's name who we hung out with and gave Christmas presents to. Sometimes too, you know, it's like, I'm kind of like defending us because we go, and we, we meet more people than most people do. Yeah. Right. Cause like, yes. And so, and you know,

there's, there are clubs that everybody that you love and you walk into, right? And you're like, it's so good to be back. Yeah. And sometimes it'll be, you know, let's say six or seven people on that staff. Right. And they all say something to you. And then you're like, what's up, dude? I call everybody dude. Yeah. It's the best way. It's James, bro. And you're like, no, I know. And they're like, and they, they'll catch you. That's the worst. Can I tell you what I just did this week? I'm such a shithead. I was in St. Louis tits and my feature act, I go, oh, hi, nice to meet you. And like the first night went by. And by the second night, he goes, you know, we've worked together before. How long ago, bro? It was like three years ago. I'm such an asshole.

Like I had a baby. Sorry. Yeah. You get a pass though. I think, you know, yes, headliner, you get a pass. You're going around, you're meeting so many people, working with so many people. So popular. So popular. Yeah. It's come on. My favorite. Sometimes people go after the show, they go, you remember me? An audience person. And they're like, it's fucking San Francisco a couple of years ago. I was the guy that yelled out to pastrami sandwich. And you're like, yes, you, you, you yelled that out. Hey, pastrami Jones. And you're like, and they're like, and then you said the thing back. And you're like, I, no, I remember now. I just, I forgot for a second. You just, you jostled it from my head.

How about when you're, when the same thing goes down? Hey, remember me? You're in San Francisco. Have you ever remember me? Yeah. Hey, yeah. How's it going? Good. Pascal kills high school, right? You remember? Oh, right. Like it's not even in that context of the club. Right. And it's something for me. You're like childhood or your cousin or something. And they're like, oh, I'm awful. I guess I don't remember you at all. Well, they say that forgetting names is means you think more about yourself than other people. So yeah, that's about right. You know, what's wrong with that? What about faces? I tend to remember people's faces, but not always the name. I mean, that, that means I'm half observant, maybe. Yeah, you care a little

bit. Yeah, but not enough, but not enough. And the truth is you remember the names of everyone that you want to remember, right? I guess. Yeah. Right. Christine. So unmemorable. I must not be very memorable to people. I get it a lot. I just got it today. It was like, I love your podcast, Christine. I'm like, wait, how much do you love it? Not that much. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We get that too. About like in the, you know, when you do like press radio, I think it's like so, it shows like a level of just, again, it's like laziness and just zero regard when they go like, and then we have you on the, you know, and so they, they have a computer and they're like, yeah, you're here. It's got a great podcast called, uh, go over to your mom. I'm like,

you couldn't just like type that shit in and read it, man. Like just Google my name and they're like, what is it called again? I'm like, it's fucking, you have a screen in front of you, man. Yeah. Screw you. Yeah. All right. Let's open the show. Here we go. The bridge and get over here. Let's have some fun. Here we go. What's up all you long nail lovers? Here's Ayana and her lovely long nails. I have a couple of questions that I'm sure all of you are biting at the bits. See here the answers to. I know the people are dying to know how do you wipe your butt with those long nails? Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this.

Well, welcome. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura. Christina. You got it, Tom. You got it. You got Tom's right? Tom's good. Tom's good. Tom. Poo-Poo's here. How much did you hear that growing? Yeah. Yeah. It was like a real, yeah. Yeah. But then I owned it and I took, I took, I got a better joke with my name. You did? Yeah. It was, uh, because it was like a lot of Mama Papa, a lot of Poo-Poo, a lot of that. And then I came up with Papa Boner. Oh, and it was, it was the mic drop in third grade. Sure. Isn't that awesome though? That's the best thing about comics is like they figure out a way to own the, like reverse the bullying and they're like, now you fucking love me. If he could do that to his own name, what could he do to mine? Oh man,

that's so great. Yeah. Where did you grow up again? New Jersey, North Jersey. North Jersey. Is that like close to Philly? No, that's South Jersey. Okay. North Jersey is like 30 minutes outside of New York. Oh, okay. And, um, yeah, like right on the border of like New York state. Yeah. It was, uh, it was a cool spot to grow up. Yeah. Giant Stadium, more than Eagle Stadium. Uh, Meadowlands? Yes. Okay. Yes. Are you still a big Giants fan? I am. It's cool to have that, like, that's the thing about sports that like, you know, I think is great the longer, you know, you're around is like having a little piece of home and having some emotional attachment to it makes, that's what, that's the fun part of sports. Like I never get when someone's like, yeah, I love sports. I don't

really care who I'm like, then you're not getting the thrill of it. The thrill is that you're either really excited or super bummed out and angry. Yeah. That's the fun part. Yeah. So you're having like a pretty good time, I guess right now. I mean, it's up and down all the time, but like Giants are a fun team to follow. Yeah. They stink this year though. It's a lot of chaos, but I'm also a Yankee fan and they just got in the playoffs and I come, my whole house is girls who, and nobody cares. Yeah. So I just like walk around the house like all yesterday. Yankees are in the playoffs. Let's hear it. And they're just like, oh, please. We don't know what that means, but we know we don't like it. That's how I feel. Yeah. It's completely, and I went through periods,

especially when I was first dating my wife, where I was like, yeah, you know, I'll watch a little baseball, but I was never like an all in sports guy, like all the time. Yeah. But then like once we had kids and moved along and stuff, I started watching more sports because it was just a way to shut down and just kind of like tune them out. Yeah. Tune everything out. Yeah. Yeah. It's great for that. Especially. It's great for disconnecting from your life. Yeah. Yeah. Wife. Did you say wife? Yeah. Yeah. Wife. Wife. Right. I can't hear you. Yeah. I can't hear you. It's interesting because sport talk is a shorthand for gentlemen. Like if you'll notice every time we do have a guy guest, and he, which is mostly all our guests now, it's like sports first. Oh, we get it out of the

way. Yeah. And then you're like, what's your team? What's your name? All right. Good. And then you can go on. Yeah. Everything else. It's like your butt sniff. Yeah. It really is. Yeah. Yeah. It's strange. And then when you meet someone who's not into it at all, and it's kind of unsettling in a way. It's like, even if you're not, yeah, anyone. It's weird. Yeah. Actually. Yeah. That's true. I don't expect girls to like. Like I don't follow baseball at all, but sometimes I'll meet a guy and he'll be like, well, you know, I don't like really anything but baseball and I'll be like, yeah, okay, but I get that. Like you. Right. You like one of the things, right? Yeah. You like something with a ball. Yeah. That we don't have to be really smart to enjoy. Now, I hit up Tom

before the show and he was like, I have a huge long nail fetish. Do you have anything like that? And then I love them. Yeah. I mean, the longer, the better. This is emailed from his fight. I'll say one of my favorite files. So crazy. But anyways, they asked this lady how she, I actually would think that too, right? If you saw these crazy long nails, we're like, how do you do any number of things? But why? How does she wipe her butt? How does she pick her nose? How does she wipe her butt? How does she wear shoes? All of it. Are you going to take a shit? Scissor hands.

Exactly. I've got a smell. Nasty. Oh, wait, the sheet. Did you see the clip in the beginning? I don't want to direct you, but did you see when they glanced by her foot? Yeah, yeah. There's a long two, right? Yeah, there's a long two. We're going to talk about that too. I'm pretty sure this lady was on TLC. I think we shot, we saw really like a super produced segment on her. Yeah. Oh my God. But look how much paper. She's got to use so much paper. This one needs a good day. No, this is just, I'm on tender hooks right now.

And then I took my butt up in there. And then she should only eat what makes her not poop. Yeah. And make sure you get all up in there. All up in there. See? All right. I don't know if she can get all up in there. She doesn't get all up in there. That's the thing. What about when she has a real sloppy one? No. You really got to really wipe. No. She needs a permanent bidet. The washlet. Yeah. She needs a hose. Yeah. In a yard. Yeah. And a man that sprays it in there. Right. Someone with deadly accuracy. Because this is just. Just hands up against the fence. And it's time to blast. And you just like let her collect it throughout the day. And then at six

o'clock at night, that's when you hose her off. What are you doing with your life? You're not. Where, but some say, why would you inconvenience yourself just to be like, I'm the super gross, long nails person. That's her identity. It's her marker. It is. It's like, I'm the parrot guy. I'm the exotic pet guy. I'm the boa guy. Yeah. I'm the albino boa. Yeah. It's funny. We watched the, we watched the whole segment on this guy in Mexico with the world's biggest penis. And it turns out that, and it was absolutely enormous. We're talking like down to the ankle. But what they discovered when they did these cat scans was that the penis actually was under all this extra skin. It was like, uh-huh. So penis actually was, let's say, whatever, seven inches. Yeah. And

then he had overgrown skin. Extra trunk. Like cow skin. Like Al Roker extra skin. Yes. Like that. Right. That had grown and would give you the illusion if you're just looking like that's all penis, but it really is excess skin. So then they go, and like this guy can't go, he can't walk, it just flops against his legs and it's like, it's just, it's like an elephant trunk. Right. So then they go, these doctors were like, you know, you can't even enjoy life with this. They offered to do a surgery. We're like, well, we'll remove all this excess skin and still leave you with your above average penis. Right. But let you kind of function instead of living this way, which was like a horribly showed like his quality of life. And he was like, nah, I like having this crazy huge

penis and people being like, whoa, like looking at me like, the fuck is that thing? Yeah. I'd rather have that. Right. Then you give me back like a normal life. So yeah, he wants to be special. Yeah. Right. They take that away from him. He's got to come up. He's got to develop a skill or a hobby or that's right. He's got to sing. He's got to be something to be special. That's true. Now he's like, here you go ladies. Yeah. Rummage through this laundry basket and see if you can find it. It's so bad. And he's like, it just drips all day. It's so huge. It's so complicated. And it's, it's not even functional. He can't have intercourse with people. He can't. No. Can he just drape it over them? Like a parachute? It's wrapped up in like a gauze. Like he doesn't

even keep it. It's just so unusable. Wow. It's really debilitating. It's weird. It's kind of treats it like a, it's like asking a Siamese twin if they want to split. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, here it is. But your Siamese twin can't talk. Here it is. There it is. Yeah. So like, here's how it hangs. And there's just cloths. It's like a horse. And like wrapped. There's stuff wrapped on it. Yeah, he's got, yeah. It'll just chafe. Oh, that's not for decoration. I thought maybe he was in like a Mexican parade or something. It's a pinata. But see, it's like a door of flame. This is like, okay, this is from the cat scan thing. It's like penis is here in the middle. You're saying? Well, like that's, but this is penis. This is like skin on the outside. And they're like,

excess. Your penis actually ends way before all this excess growth. I'm so confused. It looks like they skinned a horse. I know. This is just like a high, whatever, a topography scan. But Tom, you don't understand the medical look at this. Wow. I'd say that is, you know what I like though is that whoever's searching for the penis guy is also interested in Diana, Princess of Wales. But that's why he does it for that moment, this photo. That's the thing. Right. So walk past the cafe, just for those faces. Yeah. He wants those faces. Yeah. I mean, look at his apartment. What else has he got going on? Yeah, I know. This is it. That's the truth. Does it look at the apartment? Yeah. Hey ladies, I can make that work. Why couldn't he have sex

with that? It looks like he could. Well, I mean, I think with a normal size woman, but no, because it's all, it's all like hardened skin. The last inches of it, or it's just calloused skin. It's not even a penis. It's like overgrowth of a skin. You can still give it kisses if you want. You want to do that? You could hug. Do you? Could you hug it? Yeah. Could you cuddle with it? Totally. Yeah. You shocked with it? Yeah. You could hide little peanuts in the top of it and see if your dog or your squirrel can find it. That is really creepy. But she grew it. She is deliberate. Yes. What's worse though, do you think the hands are the feet? That's the real question. I mean, the feet. The feet seem like a much bigger inconvenience. You know, I mean, like,

these are terrible enough, the doors and handshakes, but like those, you can't put shoes on those tootsies. No. I mean, let's just, if we could just remove it from the convenience for her, how about what, how disgusted we are? I say the feet. I can't even, I can't look at feet normally. Now you got these big jabber claws coming off. Hey guys, I'm Karlie Koss. I'm pretty upset. Because I think I found, I think this is her on the TLC show. Oh God. See. That's so much worse. That's so much worse. That is her. Extreme toenails prevent her from getting the exercise she needs. See, she's like, I can't exercise. I would, but. Really keep so further and further away from that real threat of diabetes.

Yeah. Oh, it's the feet. The feet. The feet. That big toe. Way worse. Way worse, sir. Way worse, sir. The only way to normalize this is she found the dude who's like, man, that's awesome. I love it. You know, like there's a guy who's like, this is perfect. Well, it's the enabler. It's the guy who's like, I'll take care of you. I'll drive you everywhere. I'll put your sneakers on, cut the toes off so that the nails can dangle. Oh, I'll paint them for you. I'll make sure I punch anyone that gets with a two yard view. That's his identity. Yeah. What are you looking at? What are you looking at? Sorry, sorry. She's just shopping, just like the rest of you. Right. Yeah, that's right. He's that guy, right? His job is to get

offended at everyone else's normal reaction. Right. Oh, you never saw a foot before? Yeah. You never saw an elegant lady's foot? Not like that. Elegant lady's foot? That big toe is so bad. It's so much worse than everything else. Cut her toenails. I'd like for you to try to get into close position. Oh, this is a dance class. Five, two, three. Five, six, seven. Get a little close. Get a little too close. And she's got the big scissor hands around his back as the as the toes are coming in. She was telling him like getting a little too close. Like that's your life. Your life is like,

watch out for these nails. Yeah. Don't ever touch my nails, man. God, she can't work. She can't text. How does she text? No, that's the most important thing. You're right. Yeah. How's she swiping? What's his problem? I don't know. Come on. He needs the enabling identity. Maybe his, he feels special being next to someone that he's perceiving as special. You know, that's the things like this person's special right here, man. They got crazy nails and they've befriended me. Like that is a special place to be. But what if he met her and she was just kind of like regular nails and they slowly started to grow and then he's like, so baby, you think, what are you thinking about doing? You want to go to

the spa this weekend? I got you a gift certificate. They'll do both tops and bottoms. Don't even worry about it. Do you think he met her after it was big? Yeah. This has been her for a while. The thing is, if you've ever had long toenails, you know, you know, when they're uncomfortable, like when you put on your sneakers and you're like, ooh, this is time to cut that big toe. Yeah. Like it's time to go. Yeah. Could you imagine like going past that? I can't stand it for like a day. She can't lay in bed with someone. No. Right? I mean, imagine like that cutting you. You'd be like, ow, fuck. Like that would be like for real, like a knife, like somebody kicking you with a knife. Oh, that's nasty. She is the worst. She is the worst. If I need the wipes again.

She's back with her duties. Definitely doesn't get all her shit when she wipes again. Put in the garbage. Garbage. Garbage. If I need the more, I get some more. Actually, I just like. Mexico City? Yeah. Yeah. It's quite a lot. Take the baby wipes. Oh, the baby wipes. Gotta be clean. Gotta be clean, girl. Because some people think that we're nasty and we're not clean. Wow. Everybody voted here. Yeah, nasty. We're coming with a nasty. Maybe that's the next segment for this show. Nasty or not. Yeah. Say nasty. She gets it. Some of y'all is nasty as hell. She's nasty. I like how baby wipe kind of just, just takes away any kind of bad feeling. Well, we have a baby wipe. It's not just regular paper. You think we're nasty now, but look, I got a thing of baby wipes.

And it kind of did make it feel better for me. We're nasty. Do you think somebody like long, long nail crew? Like she's like, people think that people like us with these nails. As a collective identity. What's going on with her? What's the matter? Oh, schnitzels. She hates long nails too. That's what this is all about. Yeah. She's like, move on. This is disgusting. Yeah. Oh, I have to tell you something that happened to me. A TSA agent, I was flying to St. Louis tits this weekend. And I had on a comedy works sweatshirt and it said, you know, comedy works Denver on the site. And the TSA agent looks at me and she goes, yes, it does. Comedy does work. That's great. I'm like, oh, sweet. Yeah, it's a good one. Made me happy. Yeah. All you got to do is laugh.

Yeah. That's great. I never thought of those words that way. Yeah, no, neither did I. But I guess if you didn't know as a comedy club, you'd think that too. Like, oh, what a positive lady that is wearing that sweatshirt. You got to tell the crew that comedy works. I said that. That's really comedy and prayer. They both work. The two main things that get me through life. Laughter and God. Crazy comedy Jesus. Yeah. It's a good one. Yeah. She was sweet. Speaking of, all right, blind people, somebody, we got, we got a lot of questions about death and the blind, right? Oh, I had before you jump into that, just off of blind people. It happened to me at a club this week. A guy comes up with his blind friend and he goes, hey, we get a picture. Dave's blind and he's got

the stick and, you know, it is clearly blind. I say, yeah, sure. Of course. Come on over here, you know, and his, so it's me, the I'm me, the blind guys in the middle and his friends on the other side and his friend has him turned the other way. So it's the back of his head and I'm like, I said to the blind guy, Hey, he's messing with you. He's like, he does this every time. Just let it go. I'm never going to see it. That's great. That's great. I love that. To have a blind friend you just mess with. Yeah. I love that. Email says, Hello, mommies. I have a totally blind neighbor that walks his dog around the neighborhood every day. The other day coming home, I see him picking up his small dog's poop. How do blind people

know their dog is pooping and not just smelling something or taking a break? How do they find it and pick it up? Keep them high and tight. Big fan, Michael. See on the surface, that seems like a stupid question, but now that I think about it, yeah, how would they know? This goes back to degrees of blindness also because, you know, you, somebody can be legally blind or, you know, medically, they're considered blind and disabled in that regard, but they might be have, you know, just see, they can't drive, but they see shadows and shapes and then there's like black out total blindness. I think this is probably, his neighbor is probably somebody that has some visual ability. You know? I'm saying he's totally blind. You think so? Yeah. Just figuring it out. Super

blind, really good stick, dog. Yeah. He's out there with him and then you just wait for all of the grunting to start. Yeah. I mean, you guys don't have, because your dog's so small, but you have a big dog. It's like a man, like, whoa. Yeah. No. Are you being serious? Yeah. It's like, ah, whoo. That's what I'm doing to do that all day. True. My dog talks. No, there's no grunting, but you know what it is? The jingle jangle of like, they're walking, walking, and then they do that circle. Yeah, that's true. Maybe he's a poop bell on him. Finding the specific place to grab, though, is kind of dicey, right? I mean, even with perfect vision, you're like, oh, you're real careful usually. Yes. Pick that up. Yeah. That's a good point. Yeah. Because I don't see that great.

And, but you know, I can see and it's hard to find my dogs sometimes. Yeah. Especially when it just goes in the backyard. Well, maybe we've been getting a lot of feedback. Maybe some blind people can weigh back in. Maybe this blind person's faking it. I've done that before too. I like fake being blind. No. I like your way, Christina. Thanks. Oh. Not fake being blind. Just fake, fake pickup. Oh, I can't see anything. Get up. No, you're for fake, fake dog. You are one of those people. I totally am. Like, I can't run all the time for this. And I pretend like I'm picking it up, but I don't. Awful. Just awful. It's terrible. I am terrible. Yeah. I feel bad when I walk the dog and then, um, like she goes or I forget a bag.

Yeah. And that's always when they, when she goes to the bathroom in front of the neighbors, they're coming out of their door. So maybe now I'll just, as we meekly go up the street, I'll just yell, I'm blind. Give me a break. I'm blind. I'm totally, by the way, I have done the, uh, the walk where I, fuck, I forgot the bag. And I've done the, like, yeah, of course, the fake, the fake, fake, fake stuff stinks. It's true. Before I had a dog, I would always say that dog people are the worst because they, you know, it's fine stuff. And they're like, they never, you know, and then once you have a dog, you realize they're not just not bad people. They're just struggling. There's some days you forget. You forget. Some days you forget. Some days you're

just lazy too. I just, uh, or some days it's just dark out. I went up our street and that right, that we take a ride on, a big, a big dog shit flattened. So like someone stepped on it. And then the next day I went the same route and there was a new one next to it. So like this dog is shitting on the sidewalk and the person walked and it's like, yeah, that's where you shit. Keep shitting here. It was a collection of these big dog shits there. Oh, nasty. Super nasty. Well, our dogs are tiny. Yeah. So they make like cat shits. It's never like, you know, big fucking, you know, come on. Yeah, I wish we had a small dog. I wanted a small dog. Well, as your dad used to say to you, what did he say? My father always, the reason we had small dog, he says, because

a big dog makes big shit, small dog makes small shit, always gets small dog. There you go. For that very reason. Yeah. He's a poet. He's right. He is totally right. Yeah. That's right. And like, yeah, the jumping up on people, they get excited and say, hello, it's at your ankle. It's no big deal. My dog's like a horse. Yeah. What is it? A lab, a black lab. You're so cute. They are cute. But man, I mean, people come over. She jumps up. She's like the same height as them. Yeah. And she does. I mean, she, she shits like a man. There's no joke. There's no joke. Now, but can she shit in your backyard? Yeah, she's ruined the yard. So we're literally, right, my wife right now is with a guy trying to figure out how to fix the yard. We, we, uh,

we created dog, dog Chanel, you gotta do it like fenced off an area and this is where that's where they shit and you train them. Hell yeah. It's not fair. I'll show you how to do it because at our old house, I let them shit everywhere. Yeah. And then the whole lawn is ruined and it's like a mine field. But if you tell them like, this is your one area, you just train them. Okay. Come on, dog, she dally, and then they only go there. Well, she did just for peeing also. No, brown, brown, and yellow, but the thing is it's going to mess up the grass there, but it's rather one area. It's in one spot. Yeah. It looks like a mine. I mean, it's just all burned out the whole thing. We're thinking about paving it. We're thinking about just putting like, uh, seriously, like making it into

a patio. Give it a whirl. Hi guys, I'm new to the podcast. I've been thinking about this for years, and I think you might have some insight to offer. Do retarded people dream in retarded? That is terrible. Or do they dream just like you and I are all the dream are all the people in their dreams retarded. I really like to know. Thanks guys. Daniel, that is a very sensitive question, but I have to say you have piqued my interest. I also would like to know from somebody if let me clarify the question. The question is, are the themes of the dreams retarded or are all the people in them retarded? No, what they're asking is, they're not asking about retarded themes. Like you said all about ice cream. This is, all right. I am, I am, you're absolutely

shameless. Um, they're saying it is a retarded person. Well, because we asked before, like, does a retarded person know they're retarded? Right. And we've had a lot of people weigh in, like, uh, people that teach special ed class. She makes me laugh. Sorry. It's so inappropriate to even ask, but this question is about dreams and whether or not the dreams are filled with people that are also retarded. Oh, just the, just the, just the other actors in it. I think not, not just what's going on. Yeah. I think so. I think I wonder, like, do you, they're not just really excited in the mall to see somebody. It's not that kind of stuff. It's like all chocolate. Oh, man. Oh, I always did a show this weekend and there were two people. I was at a comics

in Mohegan Sun. Oh, okay. Yeah. And, uh, they said that, um, there were two special ed teachers. There was a lot of special ed teachers actually. It was like two in one show and it was like a theme. And, um, when I was a kid, we had special ed. It was just for the kids who smoked pot and gave the teacher the finger, right? And they were like, no, these are like really special needs. They're like, you know, they really, yeah, they really, yeah. Yeah. It's, it's evolved. The genre has evolved since we went to school is what you're saying. Yeah. Yeah. It's different. We had to do volunteer work. Our senior year at high school. So a friend of mine, and I, as seniors, we went to this special needs school and we would volunteer during our lunch

hour there. Right. The one thing that blew my mind was the range of kids that were in the school. Yeah. There were kids that had attitude problems. Right. Next to a kids that could not speak like they were in a chair and couldn't move limbs and, and, you know, like, basically had zero ability to really participate. Right. I was thinking about the question again. I was too. Cause I was thinking about that kid and I was like, I wonder if he dreams if he's just like, hello, how are you? Yeah. You know what I mean? Like he's in this shell where he can't get out and he's, you know, people think he's retarded, but then in his dream, is he like a recurring character of like a really good looking businessman? You know what I mean? That's actually really

interesting though. Is he like stacked? Is he like built? The worst thing would be waking up, man. You'd like how you'd have these awesome dreams and be like, ah, all you wake up and be like, he's awake. What a bummer. Well, I'd have to imagine to answer the question. I'm thinking about it. I mean, I can dream about retarded people even though I'm not retarded. So maybe the converse is true. Have you though? Have you ever dreamt of retarded? Not that I'm aware of. I mean, not yet. Maybe because we're talking about it. You have very vivid dreams. You remember your dreams a lot. I dreamt about prosciutto this morning. Close your eyes. Retarded, retarded, retarded.

Just look at that picture up there. Yeah, look at that guy. Christina is more of a psycho. Hi, Hillers. Thanks. I just listened to your most recent episode, had to write a Christina's argument that she is less psycho and has a little thing called empathy is false. Here is why. Where Tom laughs at the pain of others. The pain is generally brought on through their own actions. Christina, however, laughs at mental illness, all the time, which in many cases, the person can't help. Clearly, she is the main Hitler. That's been cultured. That's a really good point. That's a good point. Do you want to defend it at like painful, you know, experiences of others? Like, I feel like it's a defense. Can you please show, do we have the video? I can pull it up. I'm going to show

you a video. We're going to show you a video. You just react to it. However, I'm not going to set him up too much. Just react how you want. Right. How I naturally will. Now, this is interesting that I'm laughing at stuff that's involuntary. Let's say mental illness is involuntary. Whereas, this person is saying that those who harm themselves, it's a voluntary thing. Oh, right. Interesting. Let's see the video. I mean, it's just like, first of all, everybody has a different reaction, but I've found that. Just let Tom watch it, please. Okay. Tom's watching it. And it's Tom, by the way. Tom. Tom.

It's pretty funny. But I don't know. How about his level of interest? Yeah. That's the driver like, well, how'd that happen? Why are you so loud? No, the driver's like, he wrecked my car. He's like, well, he walked away. He just walks away, doesn't even ask. He obviously doesn't like him. Doesn't give a fuck about that. I don't know if it's funny, they got hit or it's funny. If the reaction is funny. There we go. The reaction like the way, whatever, the word he uses for holy shit is pretty funny. Yeah. Yeah. And the sound that you're like, and then his, and his look. Yeah. What did you do?

You don't think this is funny? I mean, no, because I, I sense that he's in a lot of pain. I feel badly for him. I don't really, I don't like the fact that no one's helping him and stuff, but yeah, that's just me. But if he, if he reacted the way that you expect people in pain to react, like, oh my God, help me. Yeah. I'd have the, I'd have empathy for him, but that he's just making this crazy face and screaming these funny duck noises. That's pretty much the explanation overrides. So this is the, this is the whole thing. The reaction that Tom was talking about that it's, it's a reaction. It's how he's reacting versus that. He's got funny words. You stupid asshole. My God is like part of it.

I think is if it were at all in English, it would be different. Yes. Yeah. My shins. Yeah. My, my knees. When you just hear sounds, it's like, it's funny. Call my wife. That's like heavy. Mafuga. It's hilarious. It's pretty funny. Wow. Christina loses like another one. That's a really interesting analysis though. That really, now I understand. Mafuga. That's funny. Now, I don't want to assume your, you have children, their pronouns. Are you open to sharing them or no? They. They. Okay. They, and they use them. Them's. Them's kids. Do them kids. That's how they identify as them. Do they. Do they. What? They identify as them's. They identify as those. As those. Okay. And were they born

with, did you project your own pronoun on them when they were born? Yes. What did you label them as? Hermaphrodites. You did. Yes. Wow. And they disagreed. And went to them. No, those, I believe he said those. And then we decided that they should be girls. Whoa. Oh, wow. Bold. Bold. That's child values. No, my wife is in school now. She's going for her degree. Really? Yeah. And she is in a gender class. Oh, really? A whole semester of they and those and thems. Fascinating. Fascinating. It's endless. It's endless. And your wife is a woman. My wife is a woman. Okay. And we have two girls. And the thing for my wife as a mother, when she was in the class that you can't say that there was one

guy there said, she said he was obviously trying to get laid. Like he looked cool. Yeah. He was like, Oh yeah, we talk about these guys all the time. The light skinned black guy with the cool hair and the cool jewelry. And just listen to the discussion and then raise his hand. He's like, I don't know. I'm just feeling really, I'm just feeling really sad for those babies. Like those babies, they're split up into boys and girls. And I don't know. It's hard not to cry when I think about those babies. Oh man. And my wife as a mother, you know, in her 40s in the back of the room, like, Oh, Jesus Christ. Because every dude, this is an off topic, but every dude picks a lane to get laid. Right. Some guys are more overt with their choice. Right. And they're just like, I play sports. I'm

good at it. I'm gonna fuck. Like that's their thing. All right. And some guys are like, I'm gonna, I'm going to show my emotions all the time. Right. I'm going to be real deliberate, but I'll hide it and make it seem like, yeah, that I care. But it's all calculated. A lot of shoulder rubs in class. He's the shoulder rubs. Right. After a heated discussion, do you want to, do you want to get coffee and talk about this? I just couldn't believe he said that. That's the you look tense guy. Yeah. There's a guy. So, you know, now I have a kid too. You know, even if I were to label Elisa girl, I'd be like, you're a, she, it doesn't matter. I feel like that gender shit happens on its own. You know what I'm saying? Like my boy likes dirt and trucks and I've done nothing to

really, to influence that. Like I don't, you know what I mean? That just happens. Yeah. Yeah. And there are kids like we didn't, we didn't know kids who obviously we didn't know if they identified as a girl, but you knew who's very effeminate, you know, very effeminate and attracted to girl type things. But this is what's funny about my wife's class. If you just said that, you're constantly on the lookout for how you're screwing up. Right. Oh boy. So I just said, so in the very effeminate doing girl things, what do you mean girl things? Dolly's babies. Why is that? It is because it is. Cause my son doesn't give a shit for those things. That's what the whole class is. And she says she sits in class and all the people like within ear shot around her are all like,

no, there's girl things and there's boy things. Right. Right. Right. Don't you tell the teacher, no, you know, no one, everyone feels that everyone knows it, but no one wants to say it out loud cause you're getting in trouble. Yeah. Well, he was in a toddler's class last week and they brought out baby dolls and all the girls got excited, pulled them out. My son took one look, it was like, fuck that and ran across. Like doesn't even want, he's not interested. Yeah. Yeah. But then isn't the teacher being like, he should play with this doll. Then the teacher told me that we, he should excuse me, play with that. He, we should kind of force this shit on. I go, listen, I'm not trying to raise him to be a macho man. I teach him to be gentle with

animals and with whatever. But if he doesn't want to play with the doll, he's not going to play with the doll today. Sorry. I'm not going to force him to do it too. So you take it up with them, bro. Yeah. Don't worry about it. I clean guns in front of them. Yeah. This is what you're going to do. Yeah. Snakes, rats and anyone ever gives you problem school. You know, you punch them in the face. That's right. We teach him that stuff at home. Just like healthy male behavior. So wait, tell me more about the get, get in lay guy. So it's the yeah. And how old is he? Waits probably next class. Probably be like, you know, I got a shoulder rub today. You know, I was, I was, I was class. It was,

it was really upsetting. I brought up that thing about the babies and I got really mad. But then, uh, but then Carlos took me over the side and we went for coffee. He's a lot deeper than I thought. It's not just the jewelry. He saves sea turtles. And that's funny cause a lot of girls fall into that scene and shared thousands of times on social media taken on a South Glens Falls high school bus involving freshmen, Aaron Sweener and friend, Leah Washington, who say the driver told students that girls and boys need to sit on different sides of the bus due to couples in the past behaving inappropriately. The pair identify as trans non binary, meaning they don't see themselves as male or female, but proceeded

to sit on the boy side. Then they say the driver got angry trying to explain him the situation like our gender identity and situation. And he was saying that he didn't care. This is his bus. And he's not starting the bus until he gets what he wants. He said that after I told him that I was comfortable and I'm going to sit where I'm comfortable. The pair were then kicked off and waited for another bus to bring them home. Thursday morning, Sweener says the school's principal, another faculty, stood behind the two. Just be like, Hey, um, hi. Well, how are you? What's your name? What's your pronoun? So they got kicked off that bus. That bus driver's an idiot.

Yeah. Bus driver's an asshole. But just for being like, no, we want to sit here. He was like, your boy or girl. Come on, I gotta get out of here. Taxes are due. I gotta get to the post office. This guy does not like philosophies. No, he's driving a bus. He's got shit to do. Can't go. I can't imagine. That's like when we talk about like, like when I told my when, when non-binary came into the lexicon, it was the most I called my parents. I recorded it. And I was like, do you know about non-binary? And my mom was like, what? You know, people that are neither boy nor female and like you could hear literally wheels in their heads, like breaking apart. Yeah. And they're like, I, my dad's like, I don't, what?

This bus driver is totally that guy. Yeah. My mother, yesterday when she asked my wife, how's school going? She told her about the gender class and she brought up the thing about the babies and my mother just blurted out, no, as a parent, it's your job to tell them what they are. That's it. It's like what they're teaching them not to do. Exactly. Exactly what they're saying not to do. Yeah. No, you tell them, you're a boy. Get over it. You're a boy. Like boy things. Yeah. It's a, that's, I mean, you know, our generation, we're learning it every day. It's, I mean, I mean, it's, we weren't talking about this last year. Like it's coming swiftly. Yeah. And you're trying to digest it and trying to do the right thing and trying to, that generation,

it's like, I don't know why my blood pressure is so high. Yeah. I can't, I can't, I can't sleep without being five times. What? You're a transhoey. Yeah. I don't care. I also think about this sometimes, even though I don't hear it really discussed, is how this issue, and I don't want to like, you know, diminish the people that are going through their identity crisis, but it feels like it is a, not an issue that would ever be covered in a place where they're lacking for food, you know, in other words. No, or at war. Yeah. Yeah. If you're in the Congo and you're like, hold on a second though, why are you keep telling me to line up with the dudes and you're like, wait, what? Yeah. Like I'm not buying it. Why are you bringing this up? There's a lion right there.

Yeah. It's like, it's only where things are comfortable that things like this become. Well, because everyone's, I mean, yeah, we're not in survival mode. We're in luxury mode. Right. We're in, you know, theoretically the ability to make art. Because if you could be there and be like, I want to talk about my gender and they'd be like, we're going through a drought. If you don't mind holding it until the spring, maybe we could talk about it then. Yeah. And not to get all political, but it was like, you know, the California and New York are kind of going through this and kind of intellectually getting their head around it. And then they tell people in areas where none of the fathers have jobs and they're all freaked out on opioids and they're

like, you've got to change your bathrooms. And they're like, dude, we're dealing with some other shit right now. There's no jobs in this town we grew up in. And we're like, yeah, but, you know, everybody's got a P word. And they're like, not now, not now right now. And I think that was, I think that's what their reaction was, is like, you know what, you're not in charge right now. We have other stuff we got to take care of. Sure. Prioritizing understandable though, you know, your priorities, not that. Oh, of course. Sometimes, you know, I don't know, sometimes you just need to make a change. And I think this is a really good example of a change that somebody needs to make, you know. Now, at this age, Martina desperately wanted to look like

Pamela Anderson. So after 10 years and several cosmetic surgeries, Martina transformed her looks into this. Wow, those are pretty subtle tits you got done. But she wasn't done. Six months ago, Martina made worldwide headlines with her most shocking transformation yet through chemical injections and body modification. Martina now considers herself a black woman. Look at the horror. It's just the horror on all the black people. That should be our new screensaver, by the way. It's so great. That is dumbfounded, nauseous, angry, hilarious. Oh, my God. You know what? I love about this. Is that Mori Povich has to treat this like it's a real? He treats all that's the real trick of it. He does his gift, like the most

baseline bullshit, like unethical, undignified. And he's basically like, this is 60 minutes. And that's why he gets away with it because they're like, Mori's respectful guy. He's a fucking doing garbage to me. I know. The amount of sand sanitizer in his dressing room after he talks to you, he's not consider himself. You know, like some artists, you know, hate their audience or their fans. Yeah. Imagine the level of like that he hates everything. Yes. Yeah. You know what I mean? Oh my God. Because he's definitely, I'm sure, a bit of an elitist. And like, he is, but he, I don't know. I did a radio show once and he was on, we were both on his guests and he was talking about it and like, he wasn't really shitting on it. Like, really?

Yeah. He was like, he is an elitist. Like he's got these beautiful glasses and he's dressed, you know, like expensive clothes, but he, he doesn't either. He's keeps up the game really well or he really just believes like, no, this is just what I do. It's just a crazy show. Or he knows that he is blessed enough to find a lane like this and that this is, this is his lane and he's locked it in and he's made a great living. Oh my God. Why, why poo poo it? Like it's great. When you see a couple of those friends, he's probably like, no, we're definitely going to keep doing. Yeah. Right. Who's your father? Yeah. Sure. No. Who's your father? Yeah. House in the Hamptons? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. Definitely. I can look at him still. That shot is so great.

He's the best. He's the best. He's confused and angry and upset. I wanted to look like a Barbie. I want to create a more beautiful body like a Barbie with long blonde hairs and long legs. Oh my God. But much bigger breasts. Look at those tits. Oh wow. Those are comical tits. I'm not, I'm not black. So the black part of her, I could if I wanted. That part I understand is a cultural identity and it's really fucked up to just be like, I'm black now. But the tits are like, that doesn't even look good. Yeah. Like it's not even good. It has to hurt. No one can focus. Wait, you're saying, you're saying it's not good? Those look fucking sweet from where I'm sitting. I mean, maybe it's a girl, girl guy thing, but it was a pretty, it was a pretty good.

Yeah. You mean those for your wife? Oh my life. Very stretchy, special breast implants and also I got a nose job and I also had a liposuction to get long Barbie neck. Her face is completely different. Yeah, she was kind of cute here. Yeah. Look at just her face. This isn't, see, this isn't terrible. I mean, this is ridiculous, but it isn't terrible. Yeah. It's okay. I mean, those girls in LA. Oh boy. To change my skin color and now I'm the brown owner of a black skin. Today, Martina says she has changed her race and now identifies as a black woman. How do you think this interview is going to go? Wow. That's pretty great. That is so she knows the struggle now. Yeah, of course. I mean, all you

have to do is change your skin color, right? Oh my God. Culturally and I are black. We've run an industry now. I like myself, but I also like to do photos. But on the photos, I can see if you have the curves of Pamela Anderson, the photos would be much more better. Does she look at that picture of Pamela Anderson and think I did it? Oh, I didn't look at her necklace. It says black girl's rock. Black girl's rock. Did Mori, something tells me Mori's production team gave that to her. Do you have any jewelry? You're just going to look great on you. You cannot say we gave it to you. You keep it. I was like, oh, okay.

In December 12th, I got this implant set. It's really stretchy. When did you get injections to look darker? This January. In middle of January, I got three injections in the belly and after the first week, you can see going darker, darker and darker, but today is a pale day. This is going to put tanning salons out of business. I know. Three shots in the tummy and you're good. You're good, man. Yeah, that's true. Why would you even burn your skin? Do you think you're a black person?

Yep. I have to learn a lot. I know. You have to learn a lot? Yeah. Oh, at least she's open. She wants to learn, man. Yeah. I know. I feel a lot of this stuff.

You feel it? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Just because your skin is dark? No. At the beginning, I only wanted to have more tan, but when I got my injections and the first three months, I liked the contrast of long plantars and dark skin. Okay, now your eye color is also changing.

She's fully exploiting us severely mentally. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Completely. Yeah. Yeah. She's real.

She's deranged. This is like a bus stop conversation. He's writing. When you're going back to your planet, like soon, it's good. It's good. Good. You keep looking around to see where you're going to make a move and they attack you. You're so right.

And that's Mori's gift. Is he legitimizes the absolute insanity that is this woman? Yeah, because he's also dancing. He's dancing the line of asking a sincere question, wasn't he? Then he's also got to play to the crowd that knows it's bullshit. He's like, really? But not too much. Right.

Where she feels like, oh, you're totally mocking me. That's a gift. That's right. That is a gift. And this is probably his 10th show he's done today. Yeah. Right. It's a delicate dance he does.

He really is. That's why it's called Mori. Yeah. Yeah, that's good. Yeah. I brought Carlos as changing. The re-growing hair is also changing. As a meanwhile, I can see my re-growing hair is also coming.

Oh, I could use that. So this is the extensions version. Yes. Your husband, Michael, is here, isn't he? Yeah. Michael, nice to see you. May I might as well ask you, do you feel black? I'm a medium.

I have got a dark eye. You're a medium. I'm a medium. I'm a medium. Oh, my god. He talks to dead people? You also said I am black. That is my race.

I can't wait to go to Africa because I hear the food is tasty. It's not. It's not. That's what I heard. Are you saying it's not? Yeah. Do you think you're offending anyone who is naturally black? No.

I don't want to attack them. I know some feel attacked, but it's not my attention to attack somebody. And it's not a media attention stuff. I feel it for myself. And I really talk to people who want to talk to me about it. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. So that's that is totally he just like walks down like he's just like you can go down

to skid row and be like you want to be on TV? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There was a guy who was going to Penn Station the other day and he was a white guy like probably 28 maybe no shirt on just like sneakers and like a baggy baggy like running pants and he's eating a sandwich and he's rolling on the ground. He's getting up like aggressive like he's in a mosh pit by himself.

Like you want to come down and talk about this? Would you like to be on TV? Yeah. Yeah. I love TV. So we have a lot of times we we feature dad boners on our show and a dad boner is somebody is it's a dad somebody in our age range who gets very excited. And we've we've had to then break it down into two lanes.

There's the like the real thrill is when somebody gets super excited about something they shouldn't get excited about. Right. For instance this guy excited about the the highway in Canada. It's like why are you why are you this excited about a highway? You know like this guy. Oh okay okay well here we are. This is the trans Canada highway baby and we are standing in beautiful sunny British Columbia.

It's pretty great. It's like it's a divided highway. Oh I'm winded. Oh the story that this road tells. I mean then he basically almost comes like listen to him. One more time down the middle. 01:03:05,840 --> 01:03:08,080 This is a downhill section fortunately.

That's like really like peak dad boner. Right. Then there's other ones where we feel like it's actually justified because it's something truly awesome. Okay. In other words somebody will get excited about and it clips. Right. But then you're like well that's actually something to get excited about.

But I guess it's a little more subjective. Yeah yeah. So somebody here's a dad boner this week but we feel like it's a justified one. Oh. You can see why. Let me show you. So these guys are on a boat. You are a fucking vagina Taylor.

You got to give me the fucking long. I will fucking get the whole shit. Oh yeah. Oh my god. It's a big goat. Fuck. Wait. Oh my god.

Oh my. They're very excited. Look at that. Wow. I got a video. I got a video. Sharks are just reaching. I got a video.

And they open up. Oh my god. Oh my god. They're losing their minds. I got a video. Holy. Oh my god. Please.

Yeah I get it. I get that for sure. I mean how boring is fishing normally? I know. You see sharks reaching in the water. I mean. You got more bait. Oh my god.

Oh my god. Oh my god. Get the fuck out of them. I am. I am. Dude. This is fucking sick. I love that.

It's great. I mean that's why they're so stoked because it's been a boring fucking day fishing. It sucked a boring blow. That's like the one thing that happened. This is fucking sick. Yeah. One other beer.

I mean should we try over there by that rock? I think maybe I could call it a fish over there once. Yeah I know. Oh my god. A shark. Yeah. It's so crazy. Yeah.

It's so crazy. Yeah usually you're just like it's hot. It's still hot out. Sun's burning me. How's work? How's work going? Sounds good. Yeah.

Is she still in an hour commute? Yeah. Both ways. That's not so bad. That's not so bad. You know you listen to podcasts and stuff. That's really good. It's a good big kill time.

Yeah. There's books on tape. Yeah. How's Christine? She's great. Don't even correct him. You're not even correct him. He's great.

He's great. She's great. Somebody sent in this. It's fucking boring. Insane. It works. I worked on this show one time for Comedy Central about this called what does it call like 30 minutes over

Washington or something. It was basically where we were mocking politicians ad campaigns. And the way that there is one this is in Virginia where they tried to I guess use Top Gun. But like this dude put out this ad. This is a real ad. For a congressman.

That guy's running for Congress. So I go. Done like Top Gun. Yeah. He's got my vote. Here you go. Congresswoman Comstock. And that's the.

Hey Dan. Isn't that Congresswoman Comstock back there at the bar. Sure is. That you can't get her to hold a town hall. You know it's funny. He has a little Tom Cruise to his face. Yeah. He's got a little bit like someone in high school said

he looked like Tom Cruise. Yeah. And this is the moment where he puts it all to work. He puts it all to work. You're right. You're right. And you know that his like his his campaign manager was like you're a vet.

You're going to wear a shirt that says vet in this ad. Right. He's like are you sure. And he's like 100 percent. Like you're going to wear veteran so that when people are voting they remember that part too. Besides your awesome Tom Cruise commercial. You can't get a town hall.

Do you want better than that. We've lost that love and feel it. No Dan. Are you ready to cringe or no. It's so embarrassing. Oh no. Wait. Can I put something over my head.

Do you have something like. On my face with. That extra penis skin. No. The only mistake he's made is that he picked the wrong Tom Cruise movie. This is out of straight out of cocktail. All right.

This is cocktail. This is cocktail when he's flipping the bottles and stuff. Right. And the whole bar stops and listens to him and he. Are you sure this isn't top gun. Well he's combining elements of top gun with the scene. Oh you think that. Right.

No I think he's all top gun. This is made a mistake. He should have done cocktail cocktail. I see what you're saying. I see interest a little Kokomo. He should have been flipping bottles. The craziest thing about cocktail is like the whole bar stops and like right like hundreds of people stop and like turn as

Tom Cruise says something about Tequila. What's his his ad could have been like our district's going to shit and it's boring around here. And just like poor drinks and they're like let's have some fucking fun again. It's gonna happen. But I I think. You lost that centrist feeling.

Oh boy. Because you've been right wing of feeling. I bet this works for him though. You think so. Yeah. There's a lot of dopes out there that are like this is great. This guy is fun. Then the opposition walks out like she leaves right.

Nice work Dan. Nice work. Oh boy. Thanks Maverick. Nice work Dan. Thanks Maverick. I'm Dan Helmer. I approve of town halls bad singing in this message.

He's funny. Good closing line. Hey and he's self aware. I mean at the end he's aware that it's kind of corny. A veteran t-shirt with the army jacket over it. Like in case you're wondering what branch. He's running for he is a Democrat running for 10th district in Virginia. Dan Helmer.

Wish you the best Dan. I please keep making these are really good. Oh that's so uncomfortable. Isn't it like I'm sweating. It's more uncomfortable than the nail lady. Yeah. No. The nail lady is like yeah but this is like the seat.

Like yeah what just made you sad. Yeah it's like it did bum me out too. It's like when someone tries to sing you know on those shows like on those audition shows or you're like damn it stops singing like you can't do it. No one told you. Why do we feel like why did it make us sad. Because I think you can register especially if you're a performer when you're like this bad is this is a bad show you're doing you're not doing

well right now right makes you uncomfortable. Yeah to see somebody like or even worse it's when you're watching that person and they're killing yeah yeah and you know it's bad and other people are approving of it that that's true and you're just like oh what am I am I that far from what that is. Yeah you know what I mean that like oh yeah maybe we're all just tacky. Yeah true there's something that registers differently I think if you perform when you watch a performance.

Yeah you read it differently. Oh completely yeah maybe that's what it is. I'm gonna go now. So depressed. I think it's that it's it was so out of his comfort zone like it was painful to watch him do it. That's a good point. Yeah he was like thanks Maverick we did it.

Like and he's just staring at whoever he's talking to because he's terrified. Yeah is it that you know it's because you know it's bad right. Well I sense that he's not comfortable because he's really an experience and I feel nervous for him so I'm like oh like I'm so uncomfortable like I don't want to say that. You should do an ad like this for your nap. She has a Netflix special coming out right yeah 10th yeah so it's about to come out. What if you did like a hey why don't you watch my Netflix special and we like parody. I would love to feel like something from Legally Blonde or something.

I love Elwood yeah for sure. Yeah some good lines in there. Yeah I object. She's great. It's a great movie. You want to do it. I love to do it. I love it.

That would be cool. At the end you can turn it kind of like I'm Christina P. I approve of this message like totally. And then like tolls. Yeah all right. I like the idea. Is there a better one probably probably. Is there a better worse idea that you have for this time.

No is there a better movie than Legally Blonde like you would like to do. Like is there another favorite. Rocco that new documentary. Oh my gosh. Have you seen Rocco. Have you watched Rocco's documentary. It's on Netflix. Oh my god.

If you want to know the original Rocky. No no the Italian porn star Rocco. I have to pee really bad. He does. We're about to wrap up. Oh speaking of being bummed. Yeah you'll feel sad and sad. There's a lot of sadness but it's a it's pretty good right.

It's an amazing dark. Not one to watch when the girls are around. There's nothing to watch when the girls are literally nothing to watch. Well I just finished season three in Narcos. Everything big thumbs up to that. Yeah. Oh you finished it. Excellent.

We started Ozark. Yeah I did too. Really good. I'm pretty deep into that. It is good. But that documentary it's it's it's a wide range of them. This is a guy who's done really hardcore crazy porn for 30 years. That's the part that I think to the most that we stood like this stood out was

like you know if the guy was like 24 you'd be like yeah. I mean some people are going to go that way. Right. But like the fact that he's 50 something yeah and he's like a wife. I have a couple of kids and then he's just like stepping on necks and like just paying for hours. It's violence. Oh my god.

And choking girls with his fist. He's very revealing in it. Like he did. Yeah. Yeah. He'll give you the inner thoughts. Deep dark thoughts. It's really interesting.

All right. Yeah. Maybe I'll watch it with the kids. Yeah. Tom Papa. Where can people see you. My podcast is called Come to Papa and we've been doing a lot of live shows with it. It's adorable.

Just go to tompapa.com. You can find and there's a podcast. My tour dates all that stuff. I'm going to Eugene, Oregon next week off in Portland. I did both this year. Oh yeah. Yeah. Where are you doing Eugene?

Rialto and no no that's that's Denver or Loveland, Colorado. I don't know where I am together. I Eugene some theater in Eugene. McDonald's. The Halls or the Halls. Okay. And then one in Portland. Two great towns.

Yeah. I'm like I love going up there and Tom Papa is an amazing comedian if you've never seen him go see him live. He's really one of the best. It's really true. It really is. It's true. You're very funny.

He's really good. You guys are great too. Very sweet. Normal person. Christina P has a new special Mother and Furrier at premiering October 10th on Netflix. You can queue it up right next to your Rocko documentary. Watch them back to back.

Please don't. And then I think I saw Legally Blonde Parody about that special. Yeah. It's pretty good. It's pretty good. I have. Oh, I put the signed vinyls of completely normal are in the store if you wanted those. And I also signed the leftover posters from the Denver taping.

Those are in the store as well. You just did that, right? I did that last weekend. Oh, how'd it go? It was awesome. Yeah. It was a lot of fun. Awesome.

Yeah. Super cool. It's going to be a great special. I'm excited for it. I'm excited for it. It never comes out as good as you think. I know. I know.

And it's never as bad as you think. It's exactly that. It's just somewhere in the middle. It's somewhere in the middle. But always great for the fans. Yeah. But yeah, please go to tomscure.com. Check out the live dates.

I told you Toronto and we'll see you soon. And the store is there as well. Thank you, Tom, for coming today. This is the best. You're so good. I love your podcast. And I love that you invited me over. So fun.

To meet the dogs. This is a nice place. Good time. I'm sorry about the street. I couldn't help. Am I going to be able to go home? No, you have to stay here. Oh, how many days?

Just like six, seven days. OK, that'll be good. We'll see you next week. Thanks a lot, guys. Thank you. And everybody's asking where I was using. When soup's good, looks I really need to know you're grown and old. And if you're on the floor, you'll really, really need to wipe it out.

The good day makes my day. I'm not really sure if that makes me gay. Mommy, you're fashion with the fiery passion. Don't need to worry, honey. I'm just fashion. Woo! 01:18:07,280 --> 01:18:07,280

01:18:07,280 --> 01:18:09,280 OK, how often am I doing this? You have to do it every day until you can control. Control.