Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 431-Paul Gilmartin-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: January 17, 2018

Women, it's time to reclaim your place in the world and also it's time to do something gross. Luckily we found someone who was willing to do both.  Also, are YOU a ball hog? Are you sure. Maybe you should Try it Out? The great Paul Gilmartin of the Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast joins us for some juvenile fun. We read emails, break down clips and basically act like 6th graders with him and we can't wait to do it again. 

All right, Gene, now that my special is out, I'm hitting the road again, oh, working out new stuff. If you'd like to see me do it, I have a few dates coming up, February 2nd and 3rd, past Edina. I'm at the Ice House Comedy Club, February 8, 9 and 10, Des Moines, Iowa at the Des Moines Funny Bone, March 1st, 2nd and 3rd, Comedy Off Broadway in Lexington, Kentucky. April 12, 13 and 14, Shark Lake titties, the Wise Guys Comedy Club, and April 27, 28, 29, May 1st, I'm in Mom's Strelia, the country and the continent of Mom's Strelia, Melbourne,

Sydney, Brisbane and PATH. That's it, Gene. That's where I'm going to be, TomSegura.com slash tour for all those shows. What about you, Farts? Guys, I want to thank everybody that came January 12th to the Pasadena and passed to the Pasadena. Ice House, I sold out two shows, Gene was on the first one, date o'clock show. Oh yeah, that was fun, man.

That was so fun. That was banana, so thank you everybody that came out and made my night very, very special. You killed it, yo. You killed it. Killed it, son. That was super fun. Let's kill out these dates, February 2nd, 3rd, Shark Lake titties, Utah, Wise Guys Comedy Club, February 23rd, Calusa Casino, Calusa, California, March 30th and 31st, Portland,

at the Herium Comedy Club. Get your tickets on Christina P. Online. That's it for now. I like it. I like it. I'm working on some other stuff, but you know, you know what I'm saying. I'm like, you know what I'm saying. You know what I'm saying.

Thank you everybody. I mentioned it in a moment here for watching. Also, there's some new merch on our store. What is that? That's a video promoting something. There's the new YMH zip-up hoodie, which people have been very responsive to. So thank you very much for ordering it. There's also a shirt from, there's a couple shirts from the special.

So there's the Wish I Was Home shirt. There's the Eating in the Car shirt. So it's all there on the store. If you go to my site, TomSegura.com, click on the store, or you can just go directly to merchmethod.com slash TomSegura and you can order those there. There's also a number of other items coming, but that's what's available now. Thank you very much for your support in that regard. Gene, anything else?

That's it, mommies. All right. This is a great episode. The great Paul Gilmartin was here. Really fun. Oh my God. Do we have fun with this guy? Just so you know who he is, Mental Illness Happy Hour is the name of his podcast, and

I highly recommend it. It is a podcast that is in my rotation all the time. It's just fascinating, and he's doing a great service by doing that show, and he's super fun with us. He fit in perfectly. All right. There it is. Enjoy the show.

All right. Here we are. Here we fart. Here we go. Here's the thing. You left that the other way. I hate you so much right now. Anymore?

Anymore. Just do it like we always do it. That wasn't so much to ask. Anything else? Can you just sandwich or something? No, you can just do the minimum. Oh my God. I did everything else.

I put in all of the things. I did the lighting. Okay. Don't act like I don't do it all. You don't do it all. I do lots. You don't do it all. Hello.

Do you have anything you want to point out to our listeners? No. Why? What? What's the big deal? Well, you said you... What's happening? There's nothing going on.

You said you got some messages. I said that. I read the comments on our YouTube channel, and some people are saying that I look pregnant, but you know, that's very rude, especially because those motherfuckers are right. Babies. Number two. Number two. Fug is incubating right now, as you call him.

It's a boy. Yeah. It's a boy. It's a boy. Number two. So yeah, we're in second trimester, and I've had to hide it this whole time. And now you can just let it out. Let you touch it.

Oh my God. And they're so big. The motherfuckers are so big, and everything's so big right now. You're trying to cover them up, but it's pointless. I got lucky though, because our... Yeah, because our... The holidays, as when I had my first trimester, I got pregnant in October, so I got to be kind of sick and on the down low outside of all the cameras, which was nice, but then

I could have hide it the last two weeks. I've been wearing sweatshirts. You have seen the comments. I've seen them too. What's up? You look pregnant. I know. And with your second child, apparently, you show way quicker, and I was showing at five

weeks. I felt fat as shit already, so... Well... It's exciting. It's very exciting. Thug number two. Thug number two. Two thugs in the house now.

What are we going to name this one? What are you thinking? Well, we fucked up on the last one, because we were going to go with Ruth's Chris, Tom's Ruth's Chris. Tom's Ruth's Chris. And then Carlos Jr. Well, because I ate so much of it with Ellis, we should have named him Carlos Jr. Now this one, I mean...

I was also a fan of De La Tom. De La Tom. I think that's a really good name for the son of a Tom. That's a good one. But this baby, I've really been craving pizza, so I was thinking Domino's. Domino's? Or Domino. What about ThinCrust?

Oh, because that's what my jam right now is. ThinCrust. Oh, right. Domino. Domino. ThinCrust, extra cheese, and the pepperonis on there. But Domino sounds kind of like a cool name. Like, what's up, Domino?

What's up, Domino? Yeah. I like Blanket. I like Blanket. Blanket. Like Mike? Yeah. But nobody's named Domino.

That would be really original. It's a great name. It's a great name. But, yeah, Carlos Jr. We're going to go and have his name legally changed to Carlos Jr. and then this one we're going to do Domino. Domino. I like it.

Well, there's a lot to cover. We'll talk about all this stuff and the naming of our second thug and more, but let's get the show started and let's keep it fun. You know, I mean, people's main concern, obviously, when we had a kid last time, they're like, oh, is having a kid going to make you squares or make you no more fun? Well, Joey Diaz was very worried that I might become a woman. Yeah. Don't become a woman.

Don't become a woman, he said. Good point. Good point. I hope you never become a woman. Good thing that never happened. As my wife, I hope you stay and not a woman. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm going to cut my hair off with this one, though. Here we go, Gene. Let's get it started. Let's get the party started. Get that mom cut. Yeah. Period blood on the face. Mr. Brother, uh, pretty raw, pretty nasty.

The people, by the way, thank you. A lot of people have messaged me that they watched my new special disgraceful on Netflix over the weekend. I've got, I really received between comments and emails and think thousands of messages. So I thank you all for them. Much love, no hate. I follow the haters, but it's been much love, no hate. Overwhelming.

Yeah. People telling me that I'm nasty as hell, I'm the nasty champ. What? Yeah. No, that's, there's no way you're the nasty champ. Yeah. Oh hell no. Everybody know I'm nasty as fuck.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Everybody was telling me they're like, it's funny, you're nasty as hell. You're so gross. You're nasty. No, no, no, no. Listen, I've been the nasty supreme of this household. No way. Y'all awesome.

You've even attacked me for being so nasty. You're like, you tell me how nasty I am with my farts and like how I'm just, I talk and think, just disturbed, depraved things all the time. But that's had our home life, but on stage, I would say that I'm the nastier one. Hell yeah, I'm way nastier. You're a woman, you know. But that's why it makes more of an impact. I'm even nastier.

My register is an impact, but I'm definitely, I wear the crown. You're the nasty champ? Mm-hmm. That's some bullshit right there. It's true. No, I'm the nasty champ. Everybody. What did I ask you in bed last night?

Oh, you were like, have you ever heard of the scrum gob, gobbler, the chum smuggler? No, what I asked you was, do you know, do you know what a ball hog is? Yeah. Okay, so it's a sports term. In sports, if you play basketball or soccer and somebody won't pass the ball, they're a ball hog. Like they're hogging the ball. They're not sharing, they're not passing it around, they're keeping it all to themselves.

So they're called a ball hog. And I found that term being exploited by a different industry. Hi, I'm Ciarasen and I'm a ball hog. I love balls. It's so stupid. How come that wasn't the opening clip? How'd you pass that one? I'm a menstrual blood lady.

I wanted to save it for you. She nasty. She's a nasty champ, not us. I love that they took, I love when they take an innocent sports term. Like that's what like kids say, like you're a ball hog, share the ball. They turned it into a vile, perverted slang. Right. Because you know, this is so, it's just such another silly porno thing.

Like there's no woman on the planet and really, maybe there's like two fucking freak shows out there. They're like, I love balls. I've got to have them in my mouth. I'm a ball hog. This is such a fucking dumb fantasy. I know. It's such a not-

That's why it's hilarious. Thing. God. Because no one really does that. Nobody. Nobody's- I love sucking on balls. And they have a whole series.

Oh yeah? It's a whole series. Let's hear it. Hi, I'm Peyton Lafferty and I'm a ball hog. Peyton Lafferty. Yeah. That sounds like a Peyton Manning thing. They have to like-

Peyton Lafferty. They have to say their name. They have to say that they're a ball hog and then they have to just suck balls for like these whole things. Easy money, dude. It is easy money. There's no comp. And there's a lot of funny ball talk, you know?

Oh fuck. Get your nose up in those balls. A lot of vocal fry, too. Balls. Balls are funny, though. They're funny. The problem with balls, there's a smell sometimes if they're not clean enough. But other than that, balls are pretty low maintenance.

That's a fetish, too. Sniff those balls. Sniff them. Okay. Now let me put it right up against your eye. Bat your eyelashes. Oh, God. Bat your eyelashes.

Oh, my God. And rub those balls all over those tits. Just like that. Yes. And just like that. There's like five people on the planet that really have this. You think so? They're like, put your eyelashes against my balls.

Yeah, it's not a lot. Are you into that? No. Not really. Try it out. You know? It'd be fun. We got to put this one aside for Dr. Drew, the ball worship.

Try it out. Make a Drew list. True. This song, you beat me. Try it out. Oh, the Trot. So much trouble. So sad.

I watch your show and I just get sad. That's what Drew basically told us. This is the saddest show he's ever had a part of. Try it out. Try it out. Piss on me, beat me, black guys. You think you can ever beat this girl? Rub your balls all over that cum.

On the cum? Yeah. He's got to rub his balls on the cum now? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I don't give a shit. Here's the thing, man. Anything that doesn't evolve, cum on my face or getting an STD, like nothing can happen from putting it.

How much would you do? What would you need to do that scene? Man, I mean, what's the going rate for something? Like a ball scene? Not as me now. Yeah, you know. Oh, as like a Santa Comedian mother of almost two children? Yeah.

Oh, I have millions. Millions. It's going to ruin my life. What about like 20 years ago and you're short on that? I don't care if my life is in the toilet for the rest of it. There's just a ball scene out about you. Let's just say, yeah, like 20 years ago, I'm just, who cares? I'm going to ruin my life.

Yeah. Let's just say I'm one of those girls. Like it's just, it's never going to happen for me. Yeah. I'd do a ball scene for like $1,500. That's not, that's not bad. I think you're asking for a little much. I think they would probably be like, get out of here.

That's, you're not, you're not doing it. But I'm ruining my life for $1,500. They don't care about that part. They're like, this is a ball scene. Just balls. But here's what I would do. Being the entrepreneur that I am. I would, I would open up my own website and I would be the ball girl.

Oh. Do you know what I mean? I would, I would make it and I do the eyelash on the balls and I had to put my feet on the balls. Like I'd be the ball queen is how I would do it. Right. Right. You know, I'd make a business out of it.

That's pretty good. And I'd charge guys to come over and then I'd smash their balls or whatever. Oh, they're, now they're making house calls. That's extra money though. See, because I've already ruined my life. I'm the ball lady for the rest of it. So I really got to, yeah, I got tried out. You got to try it out.

Yeah. What would you do? Well, now that I want to be the entrepreneur, I think like go back 20 years and I go, uh, if I could go back in time and be like, I don't want the life that I have now. I want to go down the CD path. I would start my own site called like garglemyballs.com. And like, and then I would be like in the camera like, Hey, it's me. You know, which one of you dumb hookers out there would suck on my balls.

Nobody. And then some girl would walk in and be like, Hi, I'm Peyton Lafferty and a ball hug. And then I would like sniff my balls, get your nose in there. Oh fuck, get your nose up in those balls. Yeah. God damn. That's a different life path. Right.

So I was saying if you really want to throw it in the toilet, but you got to think in terms of branding and longterm. I think it's a good brand to get into. I think so. It's a niche market. Yeah. I think there's a lot of people would be like, it's a pretty interesting lane you're in. Maybe there's some rewards.

I don't know. It's not that bad, but the farting and that's not bad either. The fart videos, easy money. Yeah. Really, of all the genres, the fart videos, the easiest. You think so? Yeah. I just got to eat food.

Yeah. Fucking dude, I fart all day every day. That's right. Dude, imagine being pregnant. I do the pregnant fart lady stuff. Yeah. Even better money. Yeah.

That's when I really jack up the prices. Yeah. Yeah. It'd be a lot of fun. No. It seems like we have a fun new lane to explore with the balls. It's not bad. Yeah.

It's not bad at all. Try it out. Try it out. Yeah. Try it out. Yeah. Have fun. Yeah.

Try the first fun stuff out. So back to period blood on your face. Yeah. What about this video? Would you ever make that video? Which video would you make? Yes. Which one is more harmful to you, you think?

Oh, fuck. I mean. It's you, you're 20. Is it menstrual blood on the, because I think that one would tell people. See, it's different signals you're sending. Yeah, exactly. One of them is like, I mean, we haven't even seen this yet, but she says I smear period blood on my face.

I think that would tell people you're mentally ill. Yeah. And then the ball one might just be like, oh, she's, she needed money. She's desperate. She's sad. Well, it's the would you rather it's the word you place the shame. It's the original would you rather would you rather masturbate in front of your family or have masturbate on you.

Right. So it's am I going to assume responsibility and be mentally ill or. I can't believe I'm thinking this, but I think I'd rather there's a ball video of you exist than period blood because period blood on your face. Yeah. You can't really explain that one. You can't explain it. And there's no going back.

Let's hear her explain it. Through reclaiming the blood and through reclaiming our menstrual cycle. Yeah. It fully allowed me to embody like everything that I was. It fully allowed me to have the freedom to be able to express who I was in every way. And this, you know, this thing about, oh, hey, Paul Gilmartins here. This is not how this is supposed to go. All right.

Let's stop. All right. So, uh, we re settled. Um, and you want to introduce our guest. Yes. With us is the fantastic Paul Gilmartin from the, uh, mental illness happy hour. Cloud for Paul. I mean, that's the, how we do this.

How do you do awkward silence? That's usually it is. And then, and then, uh, you guys have done each other's podcast. Well, yeah, he's been a guest on that's deep, bro. I've been a guest on his show and I thought, why not have him on your mom's house? This is a perfect fit. It don't, you know, I invited myself. No, no, no.

Yes. Yes. I said, you know, if you, if you ever need a guest, I'd love to do your podcast. So. No, I'm happy you're here. I learned my lesson spending last year alone on Christmas Eve, Christmas and my birthday. You know what? To be stubborn.

Speak up. Yeah. When you have needs, speak up. I think I've been stubborn about that shit more times than I'd like to admit in my life about like, nope, I'll just stay here and, and I'll just show everybody by staying here and not saying what I want. Right. Yeah.

And I can't be rejected. Yeah. And I get to know my video game. Yeah. Exactly. Maybe you'll find a new porn clip. Hey. Perfect segue.

We have a, we were just playing this porn clip called ball hogs. I'm not familiar with it. Well, there's a, a line of, I mean, you're familiar with the term ball hog in terms of sports. Yes. Like somebody who won't pass the ball. Right. So there's a series, adult series called ball hogs.

And it sounds like this. Hi, I'm Sierra Sin and I'm a ball hog. Well, they just really like balls. Here's something you'll never hear about pornography. Somebody watching it. I wish the sound was more graphic. Yeah. Yeah.

More detail. More smacking and drooling. That's a lot. That's how it is. Get your nose up in those balls. So we were talking about the ball clip and then we switched to this woman who is, um, she was explaining how she's trying to, what is it like recapture her feminine? Well, there's this whole thing about shame, uh, in, uh, when it comes to women's menstrual

cycles. And so some women like to reclaim, uh, their menstrual cycle and, and that's what she's doing. Yeah. She's claiming the blood and reclaiming our menstrual cycle. It fully allowed me to embody like everything that I was, it fully allowed me to have the freedom to be able to express who I was in every way. I gotta say one of the things I'm happy about, what she did and what she's talking about is

fucking gross. It's nice that she's attractive. It helps. If it was like somebody gross doing it, I'd be like, this is really gross. That's a really shallow thing to say, but it's actually really true. Yeah. If we weren't hot, we would all be more like, ugh. We would not watch all the clips.

No. We would stop and be like, she's really gross. Yeah. I've only seen five seconds of this clip, but the first thing that comes to my mind is she's desperate for auditions. Yeah. Oh. You think so?

You think she's wanting to go in? You think she wants to be a ball hog or like a real actress? First of all, the boobs don't look natural. No. No. She's extremely made up for it. Yeah. So it's like, if you're going to do the whole menstrual blood thing, why not not wear

makeup? Why not be completely stripped down, completely as you, I'm not saying be naked, but be as you are completely. Right. Like your vagina is. Naturally. Yeah. That's an interesting point.

Go for the full effect. That is a very interesting point that she's doing like this, I'm connected to who I am. Mother Earth. But she couldn't be more done up. Yeah. And it looks like fake boobs. That could be wrong. Well, guys, I mean, hey, wait a minute.

Isn't that why she needs to reclaim her natural essence? I mean, she is so disconnected because of the fake boobery and all this stuff. You know, this is like a whole other level. I didn't think we were going to get to judging her process. Yeah. Come on. Come on. By putting this up on social media, I really found it just a kind of gave an invitation

to people to be able to know that it's okay to share this part of yourself and that it's not taboo. But it's not. It's not the message at all. But there are some things you shouldn't share with social media. One of them would be rubbing menstrual blood on your face. You know, I'm a little shamed of the noises I make when I shit, but I don't know if I want to try to ease the public into accepting that part of my being.

Well, maybe, but maybe what she's talking about here is you taking that leap and knowing that, you know what, you should be okay. And how about you posting one of those videos of you taking a grungy shit and kind of knowing that it's okay, Paul. You're a person. I love the word grungy. Why this insistence that everybody be comfortable with everything publicly now? I don't know.

Some shame is good. A little bit of shame in your game. Just a little. Yeah. It's fine. I think a lot of us feel invisible in our lives, like something's missing. Like there's something special about us that isn't being recognized and we just need to find what that is and then the emptiness will be filled.

So her specialness is her period is what you're saying. Yeah. And probably because nobody else has done that. So it's like, oh, like the episode I was listening to where you guys were talking about possum, possum guy and purple lady. Oh, yeah. Purple lady. And Michael's arts and crafts, like the people that find their identity through, like, liking

a weird thing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's a lady at the coffee shop I go to who is hat lady and her hats, like, like if it was this, if it was the set of a James Cameron movie, her hat, you would go, ah, they put a little too much effort into it. It's the most ornate, crazy.

It's a nativity scene on a person's head and each one's different. And God bless her. You know, if that makes her happy to do that. But I think it has the opposite effect when people look at it, they go, oh, she's alone. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I guess she was.

Right before you got here, we were having the discussion, if she had to choose between being one of the ball hog girls, right, or the menstrual blood lady, who would you rather be? And I think it's like, it's, do you want to own being like, kind of crazy, or if you're the ball hog, you can be like, well, they kind of did it to me. You know what I mean? Like it's, I've been, and it was a money thing. Maybe I did this for, for a living when I was, because I actually think that like the

ball hog one, you'd be like, you kind of have some empathy. Like she's probably in a bad place and she needed some money. Um, like, but I think it's almost better to be a ball hog than crazy hat lady, you know? Why is it at least someone's jerking off to you? Nobody's jerking off to a hat lady. No, not at all. One guy in Germany.

Yeah. One is jerking off to you. Yeah. Yeah. You know, it's been really hard to face off with all of the negative comments on me doing this. You know they were coming. You know they were coming.

They were asking anyone else to do this. I'm just saying this has been my experience and it's been really empowering and it's felt really good to connect with that part of stuff. I gotta tell you, you're, you and your sisterhood have really, really challenged the definition of empowering. Well, I've always thought that yes, that first of all pornography is empowering. Being a stripper is empowering. Rubbing menstrual blood on our faces is empowering.

You know what though, what it boils down to is the same strokes for everybody. Yep. There you go. Everybody likes the same thing. That's what it's all about. Different, different strokes. For her, it's empowering. For me, I'm indifferent.

I don't have any negativity towards menstrual blood. I don't have any preference. Do you think 20 years from now she's going to look at this clip and roll her eyes or be like, yeah, I'm glad I did that? I mean, any healthy person rolls their eyes at what they did 20 years ago. I hope so. Right. Anybody who's making progress.

Yeah. It's a lifetime. That's a long time. Well, let's see it. Are we going to see her face? There you go. You know, Paul, now that you said the actress thing, I feel like this was kind of an actory. I don't think there's any doubt.

I don't think there's any doubt. Do you think there's any? She's a frustrated actress. Yeah. That's like fucking James Cameron will see this. Yes. Oh, yeah. That's like you get like lost in the delusion of it.

Oh, I, I, I experienced that. I wanted on an audition one time. It was for a, for a Steven Soderbergh movie. You jerked off all over your own face. I had the decency to do it in the parking garage, go to the roof parking where nobody is and I went on and I never get auditions and it's like all of a sudden it's just a Steven Soderbergh movie I'm auditioning for. So I'm super excited and I do this Republican character sometimes for, for comedy.

And I thought, oh, this guy's perfect for this audition. This part is perfect for this, this guy. And I'm like, there's nobody more perfect for this part. I'm going to get this. Yeah. And it's Steven Soderbergh. It's probably going to be an award-winning movie. That part's going to be, but I'm probably going to get an award for this.

And then I'm tripping, imagining my, not only me giving an award speech, but me arguing with people the next day who I forgot to include in my speech while I'm waiting to go in on the fucking audition and I go in and I'm horrible, horrible. I don't even get a callback. I feel so good hearing you say that. Yeah. To know that I'm not alone because I've had, like, I've had those same fantasies and, like, have thought about, like, would I wear a tux or would I wear a suit to the end of the

season? Yeah. Totally. And like, and take myself through the whole thing. Absolutely. And then you, like, then you get the call, like, actually they, they didn't even say anything about your audition. They didn't even acknowledge that you auditioned.

Yeah. We tried to find out and they don't remember who you are. And I'm like, oh. And just so you know, that moment you had, for those of you who've never heard of Paul Gilmartin or the mental illness happy hour, that's basically like what your show is, is having these moments of being painfully honest and. Yes. And I should have mentioned, sorry, earlier, you're also a standup comedian.

You've been on television a million things. Was it dinner and a movie? That was the thing that probably most people know me from. Yes. And comedy central, half hour and stuff like that. But I don't do, uh, and Chris stand up anymore. Yes. And I'm not, uh, doing anything.

I'm at the Christian science reading room. Okay. And oddly enough, I read through a monocle. That's right. I'm a monocle. Wow. I think I want to class it up. Yeah.

Yeah. Old school. I like that. So, but you don't just stand up anymore? I don't. I just do this satirical Republican character sometimes. But as far as going to clubs and doing that, no, I bought five years ago. I just kind of hit a wall and went, I have an agreement with the entertainment industry.

They won't show an interest in me and I won't show an interest in them. And we've both kept our eye under the bar. Do you get to perform the character, the Republican character, like on live stages? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I go on, uh, uh, Corolla's podcast.

Oh, great. I, uh, do it on Jimmy Dors. Uh, Jimmy Dors does live shows. Um, so I do it there. There's some YouTube clips. I put a fake campaign ad out about, I don't know, 10 years ago as, as this guy, but it's really fun to do because it's kind of like my, my picket sign of when I get pissed off about shit.

Oh yeah. People that are hypocrites. So I just pour it all into this kind of clueless character. That's fun. Who's a hypocrite. Yeah. It must be me. You must be really like searching for material these days.

Uh, it's not really a lot to talk about. Oh my God. It's, it's overwhelming, I guess, right? It's funny because when I started doing the character, it was almost cartoony and now a reality has caught up to it. Yeah. And you're just rearranging the reality into a punchline. Right.

Cause I guess you could see the character now and be like, yeah, I believe that. Yeah. Yeah. Where's he representative? Actually a lot of times when I do it, people don't know it's not a real character. Do you get people to get angry at you? Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

Oh yeah. Cause his, his views are like, you know, one of the things he says is, is, uh, Mexicans make two things, tortillas in trouble. That's fantastic. Yeah. It's, it's, yeah. And the third thing about like those guys in real life is, and like that's why that line works so well is like, uh, fifth grade level vocabulary, which they did this thing

during like the, the, uh, the campaigns, like leading up to the election. And they actually found that like, uh, they studied all these interviews and speeches that Trump did and found that he had, like he stayed in like a third to fifth grade level vocabulary easily and that actually that that had a huge impact. He's one of us. He would say things like things are bad, things are tear, sad, awful. This is just terrible. And it never would leave that range of kind of simplistic language.

I thought it was really fascinating language study. Even though he said, I have the best words, I have the best words, and I'm like really smart. Like really smart. Yeah. I'm like genius. Right. Pretty much.

Um, you were asking me last week how, um, how people in Star Wars, yeah, communicate with like the monsters, you know, like the wookies and, yeah. So if you watch the Star Wars films, you'll notice that Chewbacca and, uh, R2-D2, it's always, and then the actor's like, what's that R2? You want dinner? Yeah. He's like, oh, you want a hot dog? Apparently this guy has like a, like, can teach you.

Hello everybody and welcome to Voices with Matthew by popular request. Many people have asked me to do my Chewbacca or my Wookie impersonation. And by that, I mean my mother. I went back to the Wookie language and found out it's actually three languages. No, it's not. It's not just a bunch of sounds. There you go. Whatever.

It's not. Like I said, I went back to Wookiepedia, found the language. Wookiepedia. Or one of the languages I'm going to use, which is called, it's, uh, the, called the common language of the Wookie people. It's actually for trade and travel. It's the one that most non-wookies would have used in the stories. This is one of the most disturbing levels of fandom is when they start going like, this

is real. You know, this is how these people in this world, you're like, that's a made-up world bro. Like, not like, he's like, oh, more of the, some of the natives prefer to address it this way. Like it's all made up. Man, what are you talking about? It's the Wookiepedia talk.

Yeah. Wookiepedia. So, uh, with, without further ado, here we go. Hello. How are you? Goodbye. Goodbye. I am well.

Thank you. He's not just making sense. I am a friend. So. I don't know. I love that somebody gets so into something. It's just so hard to take it seriously when it's so niche because I think all of us, maybe I should just include myself, find something I like and get, we were kind of talking about

this before we start recording, get ridiculously into it. Like when I discovered. You get obsessed? Oh, when I, when I, uh, discovered good wine for the first time, I mean, I've been a drinker all along. I'm sober now, but I've been a drinker all along, but I'd always thought, uh, wine, you know, that's for pussies. You know, what's the big deal?

And I was buying, uh, a friend of mine, a bottle of wine because he loved wine. And I said to the, to the clerk, you know, what, if I give you 50 bucks for like a bottle of wine that you think is awesome, uh, I'd like to try that. And so I took it home and it blew my fucking mind. And within three months, I had 24 cases of vintage wine in a rented humidity controlled storage locker and was searching for wine every day on the internet. You got obsessed. Dude.

I thought you were about to say I was 25 grand in debt. That too. That too. Hey, sorry to interrupt, but can I move this because I can tell that it's blocking my face. Yeah. What do you want to move? Oh, is that the arm? Oh.

Yeah. But now can you be, is he cool? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Just for editing because I can see him. Perfect. Okay.

And it's that way with everything that, that I get into. It's, I run the wheels off it when I did, got into photography, uh, taking pictures of dogs. What do you mean? Photography, but go ahead. Photography. Yeah. The pictures of dogs.

It's photography. Yes. Within the first year of having that camera, I took so many pictures, the counter rolled over, which means over 10,000 pictures. Oh my God. So I have a real obsessive, totally, totally obsessive. Yeah. I've never, uh, I've never done anything in moderation.

Yeah. Is that, um, is that alcoholism? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. It presents itself in many forms. I've heard Dr. Dr.

Butали German. Just, it's the most simple thing that happens. Exactly. So, um, the words. Uh, what's just, what were they used to say. The words. The words. долго art and we just like say, so a whole lot of companies don't know what to do with

some of the stuff, all of, um, here's, I wonder, that does tell us about something in our museum. Yeah. Friday began, in other words, like some people, as soon as they go sober, they're like, I really got to get into this. Woodworking. Within six months, I had a full on cabinet shop in my, now that paid dividends because I know how to make furniture.

That's awesome. Did you fucking really? Oh yeah. I could show you your pictures though. I make mid-century modern furniture. Oh my gosh. Yeah. And I still do that, but I'm not obsessive about it.

But it was to the point where I would be at dinner with my wife, now my ex-wife, and she would be saying something to me and I would be half listening and the other half of me would be saying, oh, what kind of joint should I do a dovetail joint on that thing? Or what kind of wood should I use? And I know now looking back, cause I'm not as obsessive about things, that it was a way of me distracting myself from shit I'd buried as a, as a kid, but, um, it, everything. Do you have a current day kind of upset or mini-obsession? Not really.

Not really. Which is nice. Yeah. It's nice. Myself. I guess that's my current day obsession. Which is good. It will be until the day I die.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think what, what a lot of people at least hear about, or some of us know people that, uh, go sober and some of them get really into fitness and exercise. Or food. Yeah. Uh, which is the opposite. The first, uh, the first probably three months of my sobriety, I was doing nine shots

of espresso a day. Oh my God. I mean, we know, uh, one guy who does, he, I think he does double that a day over ice. Um, you know, I do, I do a lot, but now this dude does just straight up espresso on ice. And when, when he pisses, just just the bean, come on. And like he, he, and he does the hardcore workouts and he does, uh, lots of candy. Yeah. Oh yeah.

Yeah. Is that right? Sugar. Sugar rushes. Yeah. I'm just coming off a one year Ben and Jerry's bender. What was your flavor? Uh, AmeriCone Dream.

What's in that? It's so perfect. What's in that? Let's talk about it. It's vanilla ice cream, but like really, really good vanilla ice cream. They have the best. Yeah. And then fudge covered, uh, uh, chunks of waffle cone.

Fuck yeah. And then, uh, caramel. Squirreled in. And every once in a while, you'll hit a, a caramel deposit that it seems like the Ben and Jerry worker had knotted off at the caramel lever, you know, and it's just like, oh my God, I can't go to bed now. I got to see where this fucking thing ends. So real danger for me is ice cream.

Really dangerous. I got some over the holidays because we don't normally have it and like, what do you like? I'm pretty, I'm pretty much a purist, pretty simple with, I like vanilla ice cream with chocolate chip, but not mint chocolate chip. Just regular chocolate. I hate mint flavored anything, Yucky. But like one of those, uh, where you can taste like vanilla bean, really good vanilla bean. And then like the offset with like that crunchy chocolate.

It's all about the texture, man. And then I also, uh, I love that there's multiple versions of this, but all the different cookies and cream ones, I can like, I can get a pint of that. And in, within minutes being like, oh, I can see the bottom of the pint right now. Cause I get zoned out and just like, I'm, I'm like, feel sick to my stomach and that stopped. And then the ice cream farts like two hours later, those, those are a whole lever, a level of a sulfur that like the other, they're hot.

They come out almost hot. See, I don't get those, but my stomach will start hurting and I'll get gas under my ribs. And I found out I'm lactose intolerant and that's fucking. You don't get gas. You don't get farting. I get gas, but it goes under my ribs and it hurts. That's the fucking pain. I'll be in pain.

I feel like the, the bullshit though is cause I tried it for a while when I was buying it more is like, like, you know, soy ice cream. Fuck soy. Fuck that shit, man. What's the point? All, all the, the knockoff, like this isn't real ice cream is dog shit. Yeah. Yeah.

You gotta have real ice cream. How do you feel about frozen yogurt guys? I mean, I'll fucking eat it, you know, but I always feel like I wish I had ice cream right now. Yes. Cause I like the shittiness of it. I like shitty. You know what I like?

McDonald's Sundays. They're fucking great. They're hot fudge Sundays are fucking great. It tastes like nothing like ice cream. McFlurries. Yeah. Remember, we know a guy who was so such a big that he would get two different McFlurries because he doesn't want to mix the tastes up.

And who hurt him? His mom or his daddy? He was hurt by his daddy, I think. Yeah. He had a really weird relationship with his mommy. I'm finding out a lot of people did. Yeah. Shit.

He went to the podcast. Yeah. Tell me. He was fucking depressed when I, we haven't spoken to him in a long time, but man, when he went down this kind of depression cycle, he went down the food and he was drinking a fucking two liter, like sitting with sugar, a Pepsi Max, which is like they're amped up Pepsi. Pepsi Max.

He was doing, he would get a six pack of Cinnabon's. What? Yes. How was he not a diabetic? He became a diabetic. Yeah. Through it. Well, he reached his goal.

He would eat. So of the six, he would eat one, two, three, four, and the inside of five. And then so he would have one and a half left. To tell himself that he has control. Yeah. I didn't eat the whole thing. Yeah. It was fucking nuts, man.

Wow. And is he still in it? No. He's out of it now. Good for him now. But he was. He was in in that vortex. It was bad.

It's, yeah. It was bad. Your brain is saying one thing and your body is just going fuck off, fuck off. To see someone in that and not know what's going on is like really alarming, because I think all of us were like, what the fuck are you doing right now? You know? That's bad. That's real deep though.

What's the longest time you've ever spent looking for a porn clip? Not a specific one, but you know that when you're looking at porn and you're not just like, all right, I'm just going to look at this and I'm going to jerk off and get the anxiety out or whatever. But you're like the hunt for the clip. The perfect jam? You're getting high off just the anticipation of this is going to get real dark for me. Not long.

Yeah. Long time. Five, six hours. Probably for me. I've done that. Five or six hours, you guys. Oh yeah. I've gone without eating.

I've been on such a porn, porn band. It was shortly after I got out of my marriage and I didn't want to feel. This is so embarrassing, but I remember when I lived alone, it was like a year after I moved out here and I would go down those like long rabbit hole porn searches and I remember one time I got a phone call from one of my aunts and I stayed on the phone with her as I looked through. Oh. Of course you did.

But not masturbating. Right. Realizing that I was so in the zone, like zoned out, that I was like, yeah, no, yeah, it would be good to see you and then I would keep clicking through stuff and seeing and they're like, no, no. Did you have the decency to switch to incest porn though? No. No.

I wanted to stay true to what I was into at the time, but it was fucking. And how half-assed are those answers when you're- Oh, that's the thing is what just took me out of it was that I could tell her voice, like the way she was answering me was like, what are you doing? Right. Like what? You know what I mean? She was like, uh-huh.

Like, okay. Like she could tell that I wasn't paying attention. You can tell. Yeah. You can tell when someone's not paying attention. That's why you're not paying attention. I was like- Now I know all those times on the road when I call you and you're like, uh-huh.

Yeah. No. You're doing your porn searches. No. That's usually sports. What are your sports? I'm just a big football fan. I like college football.

You used to play, right? No, no. I mean, I played high school football. Oh, okay. And I'll watch highlights and I'll be like, oh, that's crazy. But I don't know. I get sucked into that, but I don't get like zoned out by that really. I get zoned out by TV.

I like my TV. Mom likes her shows. I go down rabbit holes of shows, like binging stuff. I think there's like two categories. There's the one that released the drugs in your brain, and then there's the ones that are just kind of interesting to you. That's what I try. I like vintage hockey fights.

I like those, but I don't like get high from them, but like porn, I will just feel like dopamine. Then it's just like, yes, let's keep going. Yeah, you're reptilian. Yeah, you're right. We don't need food. That's true. Food is the best.

I got to slow it down because I'm preggers right now. Slow it down. Slow it down. Well, no, because I've already gained too much weight for the pregnancy. Like I got, I got a talking to from the doctor already. Wow. Well, because I was eating, I was doing Domino's pizza for like the first trimester because you're so, you're nauseous, so you don't really want to eat.

So when you do want to eat, it's going to be crap just because like your body wants carbs. The baby wants carbs. So I was like waffles, pizza, cheeseburgers at midnight. And then yeah, I just, it's already packed on. So I have to like, I've got to reign it in. He gave kind of a shameful speech. He was like, so.

We're not going to do that again. Are we? We can do that. Are we? I was like, oh, shit. I better go eat some vegetables. But her husband, what do you do on the sidelines if you see her starting to go over the edge? Because there's a fine line there that's like, you don't want to be controlling or insulting

or feel like you're objectifying. I'd say nothing. Nothing. Whatever you want is fine. Yeah. That's, I think that's, I think most, I mean, unless I saw her something doing like destructively eating, I was, yeah, I'm just like, whatever you want, it's totally cool with me. Well, I think you, I mean, I'm, I reign it in too when I have.

No, you're not out of control. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. I don't know. Anytime I've been around any pregnant woman who's like, I got to eat. I'm just like, all right. Fuck yeah. Of course.

Yeah. That's the, that's the, the go flag. That's the green flag or whatever they do. There's no real argument against that. But I gained a lot of weight. My last pregnancy, I gained way too much because I was eating Carl's Jr. twice a week. The best was his, his, his sheet for like how you should eat was clearly how he eats. Cause he was like a very like thin, you know, you could tell, like type it.

In control guy. Yeah. And it was like, have four almonds. Have this thing. Literally. Four asparagus. Yeah. Fuck.

Two medium sized. I read it. I was like, this is his diet. This is what he eats. This dude eats this. And he's just like, this is what you should eat. Obviously. And then once a week, he sees a dominatrix to let go of all the.

Ah, totally. It seemed like it. Yes. Those are the guys that go to the dominatrix. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, and he goes at the bottom of the sheet. It's like, and once a week you can splurge and have two ounces of ice cream.

Yes. What is two ounces? The two licks. I don't. I look at somebody like that and they might as well be from another planet. Yeah. Like I used to look at people that would only finish half a beer and I would just think, what is that like?

Yeah. It's like, how do you do that? What is your native language? Yes. Here we go. For God's sake. I think my arm has been pulled out of the socket. No.

Why did you pick on someone one fourth your size? So this guy would be the kind of guy that is from another planet. And I think here he actually shifts to another language. Approximately, he says he's a Jedi Knight now. For those who didn't follow it, I'll do it in slow motion now. Okay. I can't take it anymore. I can't take it either.

But that dude really thinks he's teaching you to understand. How much money for you to learn Chewbacca language? And I mean, learn it fluently. Like I know you're doing Rosetta Stone for Italian. You're doing Rosetta Stone for Wookie. It would seriously be a lot more than I got from Netflix to do a special, a lot more. And you have to test every week and you have to be fluent. It's several million dollars.

Why? Why Italian? Why? Well, I speak Spanish and I had an interest in learning French and what I discovered was Italian is so much easier for me because it is close to Spanish. Yeah. There's a lot. All the pronunciations are pretty similar.

And so far, like I'm flying through whereas when I did the French one, I was like, fuck, I kept like, I just kept hitting walls and like, so I'm doing it because I want to do something to stimulate that part of my brain, but I don't want to too big of a challenge. So and with Italian, the only thing that sucks is I feel like there's more utility in French. There's definitely more places you can use it. Definitely more pussy. I'm way more.

Well, that's priority number one, Paul, though. Yeah. I mean, I have like, what are we going to do another couple of years? So I know I'm going to have some fun with a second, but yeah, I'm, I'm still, I'm doing the Italian just at the very least the au pair. Yeah. You know, if you, if you don't have enough frequent flyer miles to go to Paris, yeah, just get a flyer here.

Do you work on your fuck with other languages? Do you ever like, uh, we taped when I was doing dinner in a movie, we taped 10 days in Italy. And so I did like a crash course. And so I learned, you know, just, uh, a bottle of mineral water, please. There you go. You know, Paul, those things like that, like five, like five sentences. But people so appreciate it when an American takes the time to learn their language because

most Americans just come in there with a sense of entitlement and they're just dicks. Yeah. Oh, okay. They recognize that we are a fucking country. Yeah. Just learn like people learn a couple of basics. I think anywhere you go, it's like, just learn how to say like, excuse me, thank you, please. For even for like a basic trip, it's like, it goes a long way.

Or like, I'll never forget being in Paris and, um, having lunch and a nice restaurant with some other students. We were, we were actually in Madrid, but we went over to Paris for a couple of days. We were sitting in this restaurant and the server comes up and one of the girls who's American turns them, she goes, English, right? And I was like, and then everybody at the table was like, head down. And the guy was like, yes, I do, I do speak English, but he even saw from our looks how embarrassed we were.

I was like, why don't you just say, I can't you learn to say, you know, excuse me, do you speak English or like, I don't, I don't speak French, you know, but no, she had to go English, right? And he was like, yeah. And also like, I've dealt with your type. Yeah. When I go to Hungary, I'm not very good at Hungarian unless I'm there for like a month and then I'll kind of maybe pick up a little, whatever, uh, but, but, um, they're so rude

over there. The Hungarians? Oh my God. That's why I barely try because like, I remember last time I went there, like in 99 or something around 2004 or whatever, I was like, uh, I was trying to order and he kept correcting my pronunciation and grammar, but like in a cocksucker, yeah, I, um, I should find the kid. I should find these kids.

I should like, he would try to, and I was like, bro, I'm trying, like, you know what I'm fucking saying. Right. Like, or like, you know, sounds like you're so upset about it. I'm so upset. Yeah. Did you call him Dracula? Yeah.

It wasn't Dracula. Not Romanian. Maybe. Oh, okay. Yeah. But neighbor. Same thing. Same shit.

Different toilet. Yeah. The cousins. Um, I got an email here. Um, when men poop, do they hold their hairy dick and balls in their hand or do they push their soggy dick down into the toilet in case some pee comes out? What if the dick is so long and touches the water? I learned this from my husband.

He goes all in. Love you, mommy. Tina, thank you, Jean, for choosing my husband in the audience Friday to say his body is dog shit. Oh. So it must have been at your show. I remember him. I'm a delightful couple.

Very enthusiastic. She's asking if we hold our dick and balls in our hands when we shit? No. We push it down, obviously. Yeah. What do you mean? I didn't know this. You push it down.

Yeah. You push it down in between your legs. So like here's the seat rim. Yeah. You push it against there. Push it against there. If you pee, you pee down. Yeah.

Oh, I never knew that. Otherwise, where'd you think it would go? You get pee on the toilet seat. Yeah. You think it would hang out the outside of the toilet? Maybe. Or just maybe it just dangled wherever it wanted. I suppose.

But thank you. In the bowl or outside the bowl? Okay. Here's my thing. If you push it in the bowl, what if it rubs against the inner rim and touches poo and pee? No, no. There's no poo up there in the front. On our toilet, there is?

In the front? Well, someone takes explosive dumps in that toilet. But it does. There's splatter everywhere. You do touch the porcelain. It's kind of gross when you're in public. That's what I was going to ask you. Sometimes you're like, I'll lay a tissue down just for my own peace of mind because you're

touching the porcelain. Yeah. But I mean, yeah, that's just how it is. It's gross. But then your peener gets other people's pee and stuff on it. Probably. Mine doesn't hang low enough. You know what I'm saying.

Yeah. I like that she was like, what if it touches the water? It's like, do you know what kind of hand you're talking about right now? That water, it's not like right there. I would gladly be able to have that problem. Yeah. Yeah. Wait, but I heard, you know, male comics are always joking about when they get older,

they're balls sag and they can touch the water. Does that happen? I've looked. Some guys. Yeah. It's also weird mechanisms for toilet. Sometimes you'll sit on a toilet, you hit flush and it has like water comes up and then goes down.

So you'll, you'll jump because the water will raise up to your balls. But like for the most part, your balls are, unless you're a ball hog, in which case, you know, then, then you get your, your balls. Yeah. Sniff those balls. Sniff them. Okay. No.

Let me put it right up against your eye. Okay. Oh my God. When did porn get so aggressive? Well. About 15 years ago. Because it didn't used to be that way. I don't want to sound like an old person, but, uh, I remember porn when somebody wasn't

getting punched. I agree. We've had the discussion that when we are introduced to it, we're basically too young, your kid, but we were watching pretty much 80s porn where the thrill was just that you're having sex with some, like that was, that was, you were seeing a vagina. Yeah. And the scene, they were like, this is so great that I get to have sex with you. Like that was, yeah, that was the interaction.

I'm so glad I misdelivered a pizza. Yeah. And then, you know, it was big hair and it was just naked people doing it. Yeah. And then it, I think it's because, I don't know, there was maybe that as the exposure of it grew, people became more desensitized. I think that's it. So then it heightened.

Yeah. Well, I don't know. But then again, okay. What are the most popular searches for porn? It's milk porn. It's one of the top category. It's not the, um, the ball licking, the fist, double fist anal fucking. It's not the most popular for sure.

No. Everyone is kind of in the middle of what their tastes are. I think it's just marketing and like, whoa, I'm going to click, it's like click bait, right? Yeah. Five dicks and one butthole. Wow. I got to see how that works out.

That's going to break bad. How is this going to finish? Or break open. Right. Right. I don't know. I'm trying to pull up the, uh, it says that there's the most popular. Yeah.

What are the big searches right now? Most popular porn search. Gay. I read the, I heard some podcasts where straight guys are searching for gay stuff, meaning there's a lot more gay men out there than are, are copping to basically they're saying they're gay. Yeah. I'm sure.

Um, milk is big. It looks like, uh, hentai. That's the, uh, Japanese. Yeah. Uh, cuck, cuck holding was big lesbian. Wow. That whole crazy term, uh, gay, big, these are the biggest searches of 2017. According to.

It's amazing. How quickly things change. Uh, so that sounds pretty basic though. Big dick. Big dick. Lesbians. Yeah. It's like same shit.

Different toilet now. Yeah. Um, and the most viewed categories for women, uh, like in the U.S. The biggest term for, uh, search term for women was lesbian as same as South America. In Africa, you'll never believe it. The biggest search term was ebony, um, Russia. It's anal. Wow.

Um, yeah. And it looks like, yeah. Those are kind of it. Yeah. And then mature and teen. Teen is a popular term as well. Oh yeah. I've heard that's a big one.

Yeah. So the, but I seem, you're right. It's not like airtight six sticks or it's not like that. That's the curiosity. Click. I think, I mean, what about trans, transsexual? I thought that was very popular. It wasn't the top 10 list, but I'm sure it's a very popular term.

Yeah. There's a lot of that. Chicks with dicks. Yep. Um, what is, uh, let's see here. Why do infinity wipers happen exactly what you're talking about? How can I combat them? 90% of the time.

I'm a solid one, two wiper occasion. I get stuck wiping for at least 10 minutes. Infinity wipes really destroys a good roll of toilet paper. Any help is appreciated. Keep it non binary. Zach. Yeah. I, if I may, cause I'm kind of the queen of infinity wipes, uh, this is why I invented

shit to shower. Yeah. To, for me, the only way to stop the wiping is to take a shower and I don't know what, why that is, but the minute you take soap and water to your heiny, you're going to stop the wipes. Oh wow. Turn it up. Do you have that ever?

Infinity wipes. I've christened the house I live in now. It was empty. I had just taken ownership of it and I had to take a shit. So I go in there, I take my first shit in the house and it's one of those shits where you're like, there's not enough toilet paper in the world. So I get in the shower and there's not even a shower curtain and there's like no soap. It's like day one.

Yeah. It was, and I just remember thinking, really, this is my first memory. This is, this is how I christened, this is the worst bottle of champagne to crack against a shit ever. That first shit in the house, you, you actually remember, you really do. I think shaving your asshole and wiping from front to back has been the biggest key for me. Oh, which minimizes the multiple wipes.

My dad has multiple theories on it. It's wipe direction, wipe direction, diet, and sometimes he goes, you got to let things settle. So what he, because I've asked him, he goes, what you need to do, buddy, is you stand up, kind of think we'll realign inside of you. Sometimes it's just the way that you're sitting and the way you're inside is kind of goes, stand up, kind of let things go back together and then sit back down. I've tried it.

It actually has worked before. Yeah. Yeah. Like, like he, I mean, he says it like really, like a researcher would say, you know, but he, yeah, he insists on it and I've, I've, I've thought about it. I think it does make sense. So next time you have an infinity wiper, just try standing up for a second, you know, kind of have everything.

Recalibrate. Yeah. Yeah. But it's too late at that point. It is too late. I mean, that's like after you get in a car accident, drive better. Yeah. I know.

I know. Because here's the thing, there's already brown all over you, you're already in the, it's already messy. Brown's not all over you. You just have a, a hole that it's like leaking basically. So diet, I think is the biggest thing. Diet is a big deal. One of life's really most sublime pleasures is the shit where you wipe and you go, I

didn't even need toilet paper. Yeah. It's so true. The best. The ghost shit. Yeah. The best. That is the best.

It's like you want something and you double checked it. There's something in the bowl. Yeah. Did I miss? Is there a piece stuck to my leg? Cause this is too good to be true. Phantom shit. Come on.

Yeah. Um, we've been talking about my dad says things incorrect, like mispronounces so many words. Um, so we've been getting a lot of emails about it along the lines of our parents saying things wrong. When I was a child, we had a cat for the longest time. I thought that his name was Charlie. It wasn't until I was laying in bed one night when I was 23, but I realized the cat's name

was Charlie and that his name was being said with an extremely thick Boston accent. Charlie. Love to be grateful. Um, so watching it, I licked some scrum. You're running like a lady. Mike from Albany. I don't know what that part means. Scrum.

Do you say that on the, on the special? No, no. He says you run like a lady. I don't know. Um, but yeah. Well, my dad's, but see, like that's an accent that you're hearing. Right. Yeah.

It's more the foggy brain. Old guy, but he's been doing it for like, like we're talking about when he was here for the holidays, uh, like, I don't know, Casino was on my dad's like, that's a Joe Pesky, right? Joe Pesky. And we're like, yeah, but having you heard his name like 10,000 times, like, why would you call him pesky? And he says like all types of words, like a few degrees, yes, my dad, my dad used to

do that too. Uh, who would like a Heineken's. Yeah. Oh, pluralizing. That's a pluralizing. That's the go to one time my dad, uh, said, um, uh, I was listening to, uh, Simon and Garfinkel. No.

And I went, no, dad, it's, it's Garfunkel. He goes, Oh yeah, Garfinkel. That's the cat. Uh, Garfield. Garfield. No, is he a native English speaker? Yeah. You know what?

We were discussing all our theories on it. Like, could it be brain damage on, I think it's for like my dad, it is actually a lack of paying attention. In other words, it's kind of like being half into the conversation. We're watching. He goes, you know, you don't hear a lot about in the news these days is that Gerald Couch. And I go, Jared, he's like, and he goes, yeah, yeah, yeah. So in other words, it's like, you know what I'm saying.

Like, but dude, you've heard his name and you've read it in newspapers like a million times. So your dad's half listening. I think he's looking at porn clips. He might be looking at porn. He might be watching ball hogs instead of actually talking to me, but everything he says is kind of like, you know what I'm trying to say. Yes.

So I'm like, I think you're just kind of half checked out of everything. Yeah. So then you're half saying things wrong. You know what I think that starts to happen and I don't want to scare you guys, but children, children, sleep deprivation. I know. Absolutely. My best friend, once he had four kids, like there was a part of his brain that never came

back. Absolutely. Especially as the mom. Yeah. There's a thing called mom brain. And it starts for me, it started in the third trimester of my last pregnancy and for the first year. You remember that?

Yeah. I would just forget because you're so sleep deprived and you're just so much, your brain is much. Part of it is aging. But I think that having the kid exacerbates this is your separation from pop culture. Oh, forget it. So you're so into this, you know, taking care of this being and all your home life that things kind of pass you by.

It happens more when you have a kid, I think, where you're like, somebody will bring up. You're like, who's that? They're like, who's the number one artist in the country right now? And you're like, I don't know who that is. No, just kind of passes you by. Last night I was saying to Tommy, I'm like, I'm 41 years old. I think I'm finally the official age where I don't know shit about pop culture. Like I, I know about Cardi B and I'm like fascinated by her.

And that's it. Right. Right. It's a singer. Honestly, I've never heard of her. She's a rapper. She's a rapper. And she's got like a couple of big hits.

Huge. She's, she's very successful right now. And that's all I know. Maybe the voice. I know Blake Shelton was on there, but I'm officially that, that turning point where you're lame. Well, we made a, I mean, it wasn't on purpose, but such a shift, I feel like within the last four years or so where things on television, if it's on TV, doesn't mean anything.

I don't, I don't even know it. First of all, like my wind down of like, I want to watch something involves Netflix, iTunes, like what's, you know, renting things or watching a movie, maybe Amazon, and like, if there's a show like that on NBC Fox, I'm like, there's 0% chance, unless like a friend's on it. And they're like, I'm on this show. Even then. Yeah.

It's like, well, I don't watch it, but that's good for you. I know the name of the show, but I mean, yeah. So like those things just go past me. That's the only thing I've watched broadcast TV. Yeah. Exactly. What's your sport? What do you like?

Hockey. Hockey. Yeah. But you're a Northeastern guy or? Chicago. Chicago guy. I don't want to make sense. Yeah.

It's a great sports town. It is. Are you also a Bears fan and Bulls fan? I was until, you know, after they won in 85, 86, and they just took the team apart for money. Yeah. I was like, why am I frustrating the fuck out of myself getting behind a team with more care about winning than the fucking owners?

Yeah. They're the only of professional sports team where it is the sole business of the owners. So I understand that they treat it more of a business than as a hobby, like Jerry Jones, where it's all about his ego and winning, but the Bears could use some more of that. Yeah. I mean, I feel like your fandom, if you have like ownership issues, like I was born in Cincinnati and we left when I was a kid, but we left the year they went to the Super Bowl in 88.

With Boomer? Yeah. And like, yeah. Icky Shuffle? Yeah. And I was such a diehard fan. But then what I discovered is like after time, kind of living with the reality that they're like probably one of the worst ownership groups or teams in the NFL, it makes your fandom

like die. It's hard, man. It really tests it. They're a perennial dog. Yeah. Yeah. And you realize too that you're like, that's so, it's a real thing that a team can suck for decades.

Decades. The Saints in the 70s were, I don't think they ever had a season where they won more than five games. They never made the playoffs. No, I know. They were dog shit. Awful. Awful.

And what's his name? Archie Manning was a fucking great quarterback. Yeah. There's bad. With flip sides, you see like, let's say like the Steelers ownership, you're like, that's like a family that they love, the team, the city, they want to win, they do things the right way. And it's like, they have six fucking rings, you know?

Do you think it's, they know when to give up control and not micromanage? I think so. I think, I do think, I mean, it sounds kind of cliche, sports speak, but it's like, they develop a system and like, oh, here's a, it's like a culture, like in a company, here's the way we do things here. And when you get people to really buy into like, this is how we work here and, and you have integrity and you have good values for like how they probably treat employees all the way on down.

I think that that, that becomes something that people really buy into. I mean, for all the shit people talk about the Patriots and all that, it's like, you know, I think they have a real culture going in that organization. Absolutely. The Blackhawks are probably the, one of the greatest examples of that. Actually, Bill Wurz was the owner for years and he was despised by the fans because he pinched pennies, he, he, he was a dick, he treated Bobby Hall and all those other groups, Stan McKee, treated those guys like shit.

Money was the only thing that mattered to him and when he died, his son, Rocky Wurz, took over and, and attendance was in a 30,000 or whatever seat stadium. There was maybe 12,000 people. Rocky Wurz took over. He started bringing back the Hall of Famers, honoring them. He got good GMs. They started drafting wisely. They got Kane, they got Taze and it is one of the most profitable sports franchises ever.

And when- They changed their philosophy then. Changed their philosophy and when they won a Stanley Cup, all the employees got rings. That's cool. That's nice. I mean, people say, like we'll say they know it, but they don't act on it, is if you're a fan of anything, doesn't, I mean, it could be sports, it could be, if you go, I'm not going to support that thing anymore.

That's really the only way you'll see change. In other words, like in Cincinnati, they'll still sell that fucking stadium out, no matter what they're doing. People will still buy tickets to the game. And so that lets the owners go like, well, they don't have to fucking do anything. Making money. Yeah. Let's roll the dice.

Let them like stop going to the games, stop buying tickets to games and you'll see something will change. Go in the parking lot and set off car bombs. Yeah. Whatever it takes. I encourage you. Take hostages. This is a question, we get questions about all types of things, but here's a question

about little people. I was in the bathroom cutting my solid brown in half with my powerful urine stream. I had a thought, you know how when adults refer to their childhood, they start off by saying when I was little, do adult little people refer to their childhood by saying this also? Do they say when I was a little smaller? I can't get this off my mind. I need some answers here.

That is kind of an interesting language question because you do say when I was little and if you're a little person, you might be like, well, I was really little. I don't know. I mean, it's kind of silly. They probably say when I was younger or when I was younger. I wonder if they ever, I mean, if the length, yeah, because all day they're like refer to themselves as little. That's so true.

Maybe when I was tiny. Yeah. When I was smaller, half of you, my girlfriend can't tell the difference between left and right. She has to hold her hands in front of her and make an L with each hand, the correct orientation of the left, this is my life. I have accepted her handicap and we'll support her through life, but we want to have a child. Will she pass on her retardation or is there still hope for our little genes?

We have a dog and he is real dumb. Not sure yet if that's her. Love Brad. That's one of the funniest emails I've ever read. So she literally, he goes, make a left and she has to go, which way is the L? And the dog is dumb and he's not sure if that's her fault. I'll tell you this much. She's got to be hot.

Yeah. She's a smoke chauffeur. Hey, Brad, send photos next week because we're pretty sure she's lightning, man. Oh my God. What do you think? It could be, you know, brain thing. Yeah, definitely. Probably is.

Some form of dyslexia or some kind of directional. Some people have terrible, terrible. I mean, I've never heard left, right, but I know north, south. A lot of people are fucked up by that. I don't know that all the time. I have to do the never eat soggy weedies. You know what I find is that when you live in a certain neighborhood, especially in Los Angeles, you get your orientation, but when you leave that neighborhood and you go to

another just neighborhood in LA, for me, I, I lose the sense of all direction. I don't know why. But yeah, like it's like I'm standing in Hollywood, I'll know north, south, east, west, but if I go to Burbank, I'll start be like, yeah, it's south of this and they're like, that's north. I'm like, no, that's not north. And then yeah, it just throws me off. I don't know why I leave neighborhoods and I can't orientate myself.

The only way that I've always had kind of an obsessive need to know what direction I'm facing. And it's one of the reasons I don't like flying into cities is because then I, I don't have a bearing to start with like right now, I know I'm facing northeast. Right? Mm-hmm. Um, it's just like this in, in, you know, you're facing northeast right now. I didn't know that.

I wouldn't, I wouldn't know that. Yeah. Hold on. Yeah, you are. You are facing northeast. It's just this weird, I think it was a fear of being lost, maybe when I was a little person. I mean, did you know that?

Just like you, you just know. How'd you do the mountain? Tell us how you calculate that. No, it's just a, it's just a sense of, of, uh, I don't know. I don't know how to explain it. I don't, I don't have to think about it because I'm always thinking of things as a grid kind of. But when I get into curvy shit, then I, I lose like when you get into subdivisions where

it's all curves. Hmm. Yeah. Hmm. Um, super orgasm. Do you know what that is? Uh, our blue, our producer just threw this into our folder. I have no idea what it is.

Yeah. I don't know. The most that I've had, I think probably be upwards of 60 throughout an evening. It's great, especially the ones that keep on going forever. And then there comes a time after a long time that I just say now we have got to stop because uh, I mean, you can't go on for hours. I feel like Europeans have so much more fun than us. I feel like that no one American will be in this, uh, video clip.

Thank you. I had a super orgasm, but actually last year I was really confused and to me, it felt like a contraction, but nice. Hmm. Do you want to go to this seminar? It looks like they're in like a little group circle. No, I don't. I'm not a fond of group orgasm therapies or yeah, no, it's a super orgasm though.

I know. Yeah. I don't, I don't, I think one is fine. Like I'm not, I'm not chasing the dragon here. You know what I mean? 60 in an evening? Yeah. I think one is sufficient.

I would bet the next day they're depressed because you're, you're depleting all of that. That's like when you take ecstasy, uh, you're depressed the next day because all that, you're withdrawing all that dopamine or whatever. Yeah. I'm not, I'm not an extreme type of person. I think I'm happy with what like anatomy, you know, provides. 52 year old mother of two Beverly is super orgasmic and believes practicing tantric sex is what leads to super orgasm.

There you go. I'm obsessed with love and sacred sexuality. Do you think it's very natural for me if I'm making love with a partner to have many, many orgasms where my whole body is flowing with sexual energy? Do you think she's as full of shit as the guys who- The cum hugs? Yeah. The cum hugs and the-

Yeah. They're, they're, that is like a bouquet of cliches. Yeah. Such bullshit. The, you, the word sacred, um, the, the, uh, you know, the Indian music, the sitar, the awkward dancing. Yeah. Yeah.

It's horrible. It's horrible. You know the word mother earth is just around the corner. Yeah. Do you know, um- It smells of patchouli in there. I don't think we, what cum hugging is. No.

So, cum hugging, there's a, I'm trying to pull this up for you. There's a, um- Oh boy. There's these two people who say that, uh, you can cum just by hugging and cum, going to their seminar. Ah. Ah. Ah.

Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah.

Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah.

Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah.

Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. To teacup. Oh. Where are you? My goodness.

This is one time in college. I had to laugh. I was like. It made me laugh. Just made me laugh. Just, yeah, drench yourself. Um- I can't even imagine that, you guys, to clean up.

Yeah. The cleanups gotta be terrible for men. It's pretty bad. Yeah. I was always, yeah. What's the most inappropriate or gross thing you've ever cleaned your jizz with? Oh, man. That's a good question.

Yeah. I don't know. I mean. That's a really good question. I mean, it was definitely, in those terms, I think of like, this is an emergency. Yeah. So it's probably something that's not mine. You know?

So like, it's probably like somebody, like a parent's clothing or something. Oh. You nasty. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But fuck. And I don't know where I'm at.

And then I just clean up. I think. I can't think of like, a specific though. What about you? Hands down. It was sex with a girl in a car. She was a single mom. And she presented it to me to clean myself off with a baby sock.

Oh. I go, really? She goes, that's the only thing I have. Not even a lot of surface area. Yeah. This is going to be lasered into my brain for the rest of my life. These are the cum-huggers, by the way. I was trying to show you.

Hi, Melanie. I'm Scadio. With ecstatic hearts, Tantra. And we just want to share that there are many ways to orgasm. You don't actually have to be having sex. You can't orgasm just from hugging. So that's their nonsense. It's amazing how many people in the world exist that make us uncomfortable.

Yeah. Try it out. Yeah. They're so uncomfortable. Because I've seen that clip now like 40 times and I'm still like, man. Well, because I struggle in my head. I'm like, oh, I'm uncomfortable, but is it because I'm like a prude? Am I being closed-minded here?

I think we both kind of, like when people are like that, I get uncomfortable with their, it's almost like their level of sharing. Like I can make, I come and I'm like, just fucking don't need to know about it. You know? I'm not a prude, but I'm just like, I don't. Yeah, I don't need to know. I don't want to know. I don't need to know how much you can come.

Yeah, I'm all for freedom and no shame. But it's less the concept of it than it is the presentation of it. The presentation of it is always kind of precious. Right. New agey and just, I don't know. There's almost kind of a smug theater crowd. Yeah. You know, like how theater crowds laugh at something that's not funny.

Like, oh, we know, we got, we understand that the butler would never do that. Right, right, right. It's kind of got a little of that vibe. Hamilton. It does. Yeah. Like I would never see Hamilton. I think I'm so, I'm the lamest in terms of that.

You wouldn't see it? I heard it so good. I know. I just hate theater. I don't know. I feel like it's too, it's too corny for me. I know. I don't like opera.

I don't like opera. I hate musicals. I hate musicals. I hate musicals. Hate. Yes. Even like, what was that? A movie that was set like Miserabh movie?

I can't even sit through it. Get your live. I turned off La La Land when they started singing in the first scene. Oh, I fast forwarded through the song. Cause I just liked Ryan Gosling and what's her shit? You fast forwarded. Yeah, I don't want to fucking hear it. I started on a plane.

I was like, oh, this movie is like at winning everything. It's like that first scene, the camera settles. And then she's like, where am I? And I was like, nope, I'm not doing it. I'm not going to watch this. I don't want to see it. But I've been doing that since I was a kid, like with Disney movies and shit. I used to listen to records and I would skip over the songs.

I like the story. So I'm 69 at 70 submissions to wrap things up. So we've been doing this thing where when I, just to give you context for it, my dad turned 70 back in August. We had a big family get together. And my mom, who's Peruvian doesn't get a lot of references. One of the dinners on the first night of the, of the get together. I said, Hey, dad's turning 70 tomorrow.

Do you think you guys are going to 69 tonight to celebrate it like a child? And she was like, what? And everybody laughed. And then we kept teasing her about it all weekend. So we, we told our listeners about it and we asked them to ask their parents if they're going to 69 at 70 and get it on camera. They've been so old. So you get a wide range of reactions.

Sometimes the parent is playful. Sometimes they're stunned. Sometimes they get really upset, which is my favorite. But so I don't know what these, these are new ones that came in. Oh my God. Do I love that? It's always the moms that are upset. Yeah.

The moms are like, why would you ask me something like that, Sharon? Like really, really upset. My face. I mean, those are good. I also like when they're like, you guys are, this is so juvenile. I like those nine times out of 10, the dad's on board. Yeah. Dad's always like, yeah.

Sounds good to me, buddy. Yeah. And then mom's like uptight. I know dad's 62. Wait, hold on. Let's put bets on it. What do you think her reaction? Oh, hold on.

The last night that he's 69. Are you guys going to 69 one last time? Oh my God. Why would you do that? Have you ever 69? In your video? Or are you going to 69 one last time, like the last time he's 69? Wow.

She's hammered. Hammered. It's hilarious. First question is, have you ever 69? Oh my God. Wait, why are you encouraging this? I love it. That was great.

That's from Mr. S. Sorry. I couldn't find the pause. Oh, because I was going to say we should take a look at the moms next time. And then bet on how do you think she's going to react. I thought she was going to react angrily. I did too. Because that glare was like, the fuck are you asking me?

But then she did kind of smile. Yeah. Yeah. She's had a few in her though. You're right. Yeah. The alcohol helps. No humor.

I'm going to go no humor on this lady. Yeah. I could go with you on that. I think it might not work out. Yeah. I think she's, I think that he spends most of the marriage sitting there with that look on his face. Yes.

And her reaction with that look on hers. Yes. And so that reaction is going to be probably remind her that he doesn't fuck her anymore. Yeah. Right. Yeah. That's a little crystal. So here we go.

Michelle's going to be 50. Yeah. That was kind of, that's a milestone. Yeah. I love the setups. So Michelle's 50. Yeah. Turned 70.

Yeah. A couple of years ago. Yeah. So because you turned the night before, you would have been, you turned 70. You would have been 69. Yeah. So one grandpa turned 70. Did you, did you guys 69 before he turned 70?

Does it send off? Love it. She loved it. She loved it. Yeah. Did you tell her? Did you tell her? Did you tell her?

Did you tell her? No, that was a surprise. Completely surprised. Yeah. That's, that's the best when you can't, when you don't nail it because you're like, oh, this one's not going to like it. No. And sometimes she's like, she seems fun.

Yeah. How did you just ask me right now? Yeah. Well, those two were both fun. He was fun and she was fun. Yeah. So that was a win. Well, Ralph, I was wondering though, when you turned 69 before you turned 70, the night

before you turned 70, are you and Kim going to 69? No, we would not have chosen that on any significant event. We would have chosen. Actually we did it every morning because we were at work. Now we brush our teeth. Oh, really? You brush each other's teeth with your assholes. They're fun.

That is cool. We got a couple more here. Do you think? I'm going to say no, square. I love their doing it in front of the kid. Here's James. He's 70. When he was 69.

Stop. Like on the last day of his 69th birthday. Do you think you guys would have 69'd? It was two girls. It was twice. Twice? Wow. Fun.

Weirdest people. God. It's his girlfriend that's like, you're disgusting. Like you're the weirdest. Did you hear her? Totally judging. But this lady was actually fun. Yeah.

Twice. Twice? Why are you the weirdest people? God. God. My ex's mom used to love when we would swear because she was raised really Catholic and really. So you're ex-mother-in-law.

Ex-mother-in-law. And when my ex moved into my house, this is, you know, our apartment 25 years ago. A friend was helping us move along with the mom. And so my friend, my mother-in-law and I are carrying this futon down the stairs. And my friend doesn't know that she likes swearing. And so as the three of us are carrying this down the stairs, I turn to my mother-in-law and I go, I can't wait to blow some loads on this baby. And my friend, and she starts laughing.

And she would laugh. And my friend just looked at me like, what the fuck did you say? To your mother-in-law? To your mother-in-law. Hilarious. Hilarious. This is the last one. So on dad's 70-year-old...

She's going to be good. Yeah. The last night of him being 69. Hold on, hold on. The last night of him being 69. Are you guys going to 69? Why are you asking these questions? I don't want to hear it.

I don't want to hear it. I got to get you to the mat there. Go ahead. No, I'm going to be 69ers. Don't make it a little difficult. Oh my god. They're fine. I loved it.

All of the moms were cool. Yeah. It's funny that the daughters or the daughter-in-laws or whoever the sisters were the ones that had the problem with it. That was Matt G. Thank you for sending that in. Yeah, it's like that. Everybody's been a good time so far, right? It's so funny.

I was trying to find the one... There was one... Was this it? No. His jeans are tight. I know. I wanted to find the really disapproving mom. Oh, I love those.

I don't remember which episode it was in though, but there was one lady who got so controlled anger. She's like, what are you doing right now? Why would you disrespect me with a question like that? It's so fucking fantastic. Why would you ask me that? Yeah. Why would you say that?

It's really terrible you would talk to me like that. Okay. What else? So the mental illness... Happy hour. Happy hour. You've been doing that for a while. It's such a good show.

Six years is a long, long run, so there's hundreds of episodes. Yeah, I don't know when it's going to get canceled. Can I tell you that your show is such a huge public service to people, to humanity, and I advise everybody listening to this show to check out Paul's show if you don't already know about it because you explore every facet of human existence and there's no other person doing it. There's nowhere else where people are being interviewed about being bipolar or being a Hasidic Jew and being molested as a child or whatever the scenario.

What I really love on your website, which is mentalpod.com, he has these surveys up that people take anonymously. You can see what people really have had happen to them in their lives, things that you wouldn't want to admit in public. Interesting. And you can read what people... Things that turn them on. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, it's amazing. It's such a great show. Thank you. I want to check that out. I appreciate it. It's one of my faves. It's on my rotation, right, Tommy?

It certainly is. Try it out. Try it out. All right. Thank you for coming over today. Thank you for having me. I appreciate it. It's so funny.

Any other plugs besides the podcast? I think that's it. Okay. Aw, thanks for coming. Yeah, it was super fun. Super fun. You have to come back. Please come back.

All right. We'll see you next week. Thanks again for listening and have a good one, guys. Ice, come home, run. Ice, come home, run. Ice, come home, run. Ice, come home, run. Ice, come home, run.

Ice, come home, run. Ice, come home, run. Ice, come home, run. Ice, come home, run. Ice, come home, run. I really don't like that. Ice, come home, run. We were party together.

Ice, come home, run. Ice, come home, run. Ice, come home, run. Ice, come home, run. Netflix. Ice, come home, run. Regina breathes at night. Don't bear underwears.

Hang a hand. Yeah. Thank you for learning. You're welcome. Floddy, no. Floddy, no. Floddy, no. Floddy, no.

I've got to do something. Hang a hand. Floddy, no. Floddy, no. Floddy, no. Floddy, no. Floddy, no. Floddy, no.

Floddy, no. Ice, come home, run. Ice, come home, run. Floddy, no.