Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 435-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: February 14, 2018

It's just Jean and Jean on this one. Your mother and I hang out and have the fun we always have when you're not around. Put your triple D swingers in a supportive bra, pull you jeans up and enjoy. 

Thank you, Joey Nunchucks for sending this in. We always appreciate your guys' instrumentals and original songs. You can send them to yourmomspodcast at gmail.com, yourmomspodcast, there's no house in that email address. Thanks to everyone that came out this weekend in Des Moines, Iowa, it really was a maze for me. I really, I had a blast, I hadn't been there since September 2016 and so, so fun. So you guys were awesome, great shows, I love you for it.

Jean, where can people see you coming up? February 23rd, one night, one show only at the Calusa Casino in Calusa, California, and then March 30th and 31st in Portland, Oregon, at Hiram Comedy Club and tickets for that one, it's going really fast. So if you want to come see it, get the tickets, Christina P. Online. Now I've added some more stuff, it's just in the works. Okay, let's see, I'm going to be in Lexington, Kentucky. Oh, you are?

Yeah, in March, that's sold out, Columbus, Ohio, later in March, that's all sold out. Oh my gosh. Salt Lake City in April, that's all sold out, Australia, that's all sold out. Get out of here. Then I'm going to Spokane in May, some tickets left there, Shark Lake Titties, I'm also going there. No, I'm sorry, Charlotte, North Carolina, tickets are there, Omaha, Brea, Breastballs Beach, Florida.

We're adding a third show in New Orleans, I think that goes on sale this Friday, that's in September. So thanks to everybody in Louisiana that got tickets, those are going to be fun shows. And that's that, pretty exciting stuff going on, Jean. Yeah, it's a maze. A maze. Excite. Boom.

00:02:24,760 --> 00:02:34,000 All right, and a huge thanks to everyone who got mugs, there's a couple mugs on sale at our store. One is Next Stop Brown Talk. Of course, because that's what coffee does. That's what coffee does, it makes you brown, and then the other one from my special, it says, don't you hate everyone? And both have been flying off the shelves, thank you for that.

There's other merch on sale, there's some new stuff coming I believe next week. I'll let you know about it. You can go to merchmethod.com slash Tom Cigura, or go to tomcigura.com and hit the store. That is it, Jean, are you ready to get this started? Yeah, piss on me, beat me. Okay, you got it. You got it, Jean. What's your driver's license number?

I don't have to give that to you. Let me see your driver's license. You're not a police officer. You just hit my vehicle. Man. Get in your driver's license. You pulled right out in front of me. Yeah, and when someone pulls in front of you because there's an emergency, you slow

your rear end down and you stop. This shit is big time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. No mom in the fucking stand. Welcome, welcome, welcome to your mom's house with Tom Cigura, Tom Cigura, and Christina Christie. Welcome to your mom's house.

There it is, Jean. Do you think there was a day where she woke up and was like, I don't want to be a woman anymore? You think that she threw in the towel, is that what you're saying? Yeah. Or do you think it's gradual? Or has she always just been like, I don't feel like it today? Man, I think it's been a slow process.

First of all, I don't like pointing this out, but you did 100% assume her pronoun Saturday night right then. We don't know. There's no way of knowing it anymore. There is no way and how cruel of us to assign a pronoun to something. I apologize. Hey, hi. How are you?

What's your name? What's your pronoun? Well, I'm assuming it's a she. It used to be a she, and now it's a they. You think so? Kind of they-ish? I don't know. They-ish?

That's interesting. It does happen to women at a certain age. I mean, we've talked about the shut-it-down wife or the shut-it-down lady. It's a phenomena. It's a shut-it-down. Usually, the shut-it-down starts with a haircut. That's what we've learned. Oh, with the moms?

Yeah, moms do a more masculine cut, and they go, it's part of my shut-it-down move. It's the Tony Hawk. Yeah. The bangs. Shut-it-down happens with bodies, too. I mean, we always see, I mean, with both sexes, it's not just a female thing. No, no.

You see people, they're like, oh, they threw in the towel on that. No self-respect. None. Yeah. Yeah. Total disregard. Yeah. To me, look, I just say it because, you know, you got to fight.

You got to fight the good fight. You got to fight. You can't just throw in the towel. I mean, look, to fight every day for me, I'm struggling. It's always hard. For both of us. Yeah. I'm pregnant.

You know, you're tired. I'm tired. You think I want to fucking put on makeup or shower? I got to say, no to sweets. Yeah. We're a hired trainer. I'm trying, man. It's making an effort.

Just trying to make some kind of effort. And that's the thing is that your significant other sees the effort, and they go, oh, he's trying. I mean, he might look like a fucking pile of dog shit, but he's trying. I don't think you look like a pile of dog shit. I think you look great. Doesn't look much better than that.

At least we're both swagged out in our three stripe life. Finally, I'm so excited that you've joined my tribe. I've been in your old trash my whole life. I came out of my mom's vagina wearing one of these. And I'm so excited that Team Adidas has given you. They threw me some nice stuff. I love it. They gave me a bunch of stuff.

I've just been flexing, stuntin' on these pools of all my new Adidas swag. I love it, dude. I like it a lot. Welcome to Team Euro Trash. How do you feel? I love it. I love it. It's fucking great, right?

It's the best. And free shit. I mean, I understand it's gross to be able to buy stuff and get free stuff, but it's the best at the same time. It's the best, dude. It's a massive box of free Adidas. I love it. Shout out to Adidas.

I got some nice messages from executives. Yeah. Dude, I got to write some Adidas shit in my next special. Dude. Make a family affair. Just do it. Do any product that you like. I know.

I should. Any free commercial? What do we need for free? I mean, what do you like? Diapers? Yeah. We got a whole new baby coming. Fuck Pampers.

Yeah. I'm gonna do that. Actually, I like Pampers. I'm team, okay. Fuck Huggies. There you go. Huggies are the worst. I'm team Pampers.

I can't even use fucking Huggies, man. Yo, I didn't know. I mean, of course I had no idea because I'd never bought them, but damn, diapers are expensive as shit. Yeah, they are. And I buy like a month's supply at a time. Like $50, dude. I know for like a box.

Yeah, son. And then you got to do the wipes. You can't just dry wipe the baby's ass. That's another fucking fortune, man. And you got to get the quality wipes. You get the cheap wipes. You're buying double. You pay the price, man.

Now, I know they sent you the track pants that go with this. Yeah, yeah. I got matching pants. Are you gonna go full Euro trash and do that? You know, they also sent me this like gray Adidas sweat pants, sweat matching top. I love it. For flights. I'm gonna start with the flights.

Hell yeah, dude. So I tell you in the 90s, I was all about the matching Adidas. They had the Rollover Sweat Pants and I had the Terraways, the three-striped Terraways that match this jacket. Yeah. I mean, that's fantastic. Also, there's products, you know, you never think of trying, but someone gives it to you. Yeah.

I'm telling you, this is not a paid thing. But those boots, they sent me pure boots and ultra-boost shoes. Yeah. So I never would have bought them because I just don't, you know, I don't buy everything that I hear about, but I went crazy on it. Can I ask you though, because now looking back in retrospect, those Terraway pants, not very like practical. Like what do people...

It's just for, it's a spin-off from basketball because in basketball, you wear, they're your warm-ups. So you wear them while you're warming up and then it's game time, you just go group and your shorts are on. You have to pull them down. Right. You can just rip them off. I always thought Terraways were the coolest thing to remember.

They kind of are. I remember playing JV basketball and we had Terraway pants and that was the thrill of the game was just doing the Terraway. Yeah. You're feeling like you're a pro. Yeah. I mean, I wasn't athletic at all, but I just liked the idea of snap-up pants. Of course.

It's so silly. Yeah. And then like the super cool guys, you know, they didn't button them all the way down. So they had like two open at the bottom. Yeah, I did that. Yeah. I give it a little flair. Little flair, yeah.

Kind of nice. You kind of half-jog those things. Yeah. You did a really jog when you had them. You're like... You know what I do love about the three-stripe full-track suit? What's that? It never goes out of style.

No. Yeah. This is timeless. It's timeless. Timeless, dude. 70s, 80s, 90s. This is the same thing that Run DMC was wearing. Dude, it's fucking dope.

It still looks good. It still looks fresh. Adidas. Adidas. I love this. This is official Hungarian gear, dude. Mm-hmm. I'm so...

Except you need all white ones. That's real... That's extra gangster. Yeah. I need to get you a gold medallion. Where's your gold jewelry, dude? It's coming. I can't wait.

Let's see what they continue to do here. They're really pissed at... I believe this is the garbage truck driver. Oh. Poor guys. Those are the worst... That's the worst job to have, man. I don't know if it's the worst job.

It's like... But can you give the guy... I mean, listen... It's a hard job. Oh, geez. Have you ever had someone have an emergency? These are not cars. They're more in front of you?

These are not cars. They don't stop on a dime. It doesn't matter. You have to be far enough behind. You know what? I'm going to tell you the whole incident. You should have picked up my trash, big boy. Big boy.

Yeah. You didn't pick up my trash, big boy. No, you didn't. You want to go see what you left? I left the carpeting and the... You were supposed to pick up everything. Nope. Four bags.

Yeah. Oh, you weren't so much. Wait till your boss tells you what you got to pick up. You think you get to decide what you pick up and what you don't? Nope. It's what you ordered. You know what's... I'm always amazed by this lady's so angry and she doesn't curse.

Oh, yeah. When someone can do that, she's like, big boy, your rear end. She's so heated and she's not dropping any... I don't know how people do that. She keeps it Christian. Yeah. Christian temper. I don't know.

I can't do that. Who has a Christian temper on them? I can't do that. Super pissed? The worst things come out. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, she's really heated.

I gotta tell you... I'm sorry. Keep saying she... I'm sorry. I'm still blown away just at how masculine she is and the shoulders and the tank top. She's got big shoulders. She might be a weight lifter though. I don't think so.

You don't think she... She had better shit to do if she were. I just feel like she got nothing going on. Hmm. I might be doing a little strict press, a lot of power cleans. It's what you ordered. It's what you ordered. I know what I ordered.

Okay. And you're gonna pay. Oh, okay. Okay. Yeah, baby. Okay. You like your job? No.

I'm a garbage man. You like it? Yep. I do. Yeah. Well, good luck because you ain't gonna have it. Pass the day, baby. Okay.

Oof. What a weirdo. It's always crazy to me when someone thinks they have that much power. Like, what is... No. Who the fuck are you? You're gonna decide whether this guy has a job or not. Yeah.

And she's gonna spend that energy doing... Whoa. When I pull in front of you, you slow down and you stop. I tried to slow it down. You didn't try hard enough, baby. These don't stop on the back. Because you slammed into the back of me. These don't stop on the back.

Well, you should know that. You should have picked up my trash. You didn't give me time. You didn't give me time. I think, you know, what would be interesting is what do you think those tits weigh? We've been talking about yours. Yeah. Those are no joke, right?

Those are no joke. And she's not wearing any kind of support bra at all. What size do you think those are? No. They're H. H? H sloppers. And they're not even contained.

But I'm surprised there's no jiggle. They're wild. She's got wild tits on her. Oh, yeah. That top is not flattering for that either. Yeah. She's got some big... Fuck.

She is special. Yeah. She is touch. Again, we keep assuming, but... You know, I just think it's such... I don't have time for this shit to call up the man's boss and wait and... And just this fired up. I know.

We have... Care... Is it really worth this trash? Oh, it's worth every penny, baby, because I've been working with you with your Iran for weeks. I told you what you were supposed to do. A-B-C-D-E-F-G. Like a damn child. Yeah.

I mean, I also have so much empathy for people that do pick up our trash or... Did that stop? Was it ever turned on? Yeah. All right. Well, camera card switch out there. I was just saying, like, I can't... I don't...

I mean, isn't it... Is it his day, like, hard enough? He's up at the crack of dawn. He's picking up trash. It doesn't smell good in there. Oh, you don't think she has these thoughts and feelings? Like, who cares? Let the guy...

But don't you also, at this point, when you see someone this upset, at some point, don't you go, you're not upset about the trash? No. She's upset because she weighs too much. She didn't get the right bra. That's what she's doing. She got the wrong fucking support bra. She found out she has 25-pound tits each.

She's upset because she woke up a man. She's so fucking... She's so gnarly, you know? She's just angry. She's angry at other stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Now, she...

Look at this mocking. She's wouldn't like... A, B, I fucking talked to you like a baby and she goes... All right. And you can't even follow instructions. Why don't you go back to the beginning? Why don't you go back to the beginning? Yeah.

You know, my mom was like this, though. I think that's why it also bothers me. Healthy? Just balance. Exactly. My mom would yell at salespeople like this, or she took everything personally, like this. A, E, C, D, E, F, G. Crazy.

She's good at the alphabet. Jesus. Yeah. Okay. Would you rather do it with her? Yeah. Or at the Moose Soup, lady? Oh, man.

It's a really good point. It's a really good thing to think about, actually. Yeah. Or menstrual blood, lady. And she's got menstrual blood on her face, as you're doing here. Fuck! You guys are doing good! Bubba, baby, bubba, baby!

Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh! You guys are doing good! Yeah. It's in the same family. Yeah. They're kissing cousins, these two. Moose Soup, lady. She's sweeter.

She's sweeter, yeah. Yeah. She's trying to offer you something, too. This lady's raging out. Yeah. It's terribly, terribly attractive. She's so... She's just...

Four bag women. Look at her. Let me say this to the universe. Oh, dear. They threw a customer's garbage cans and they got five bags. Then you charge them for one extra, but you got enough common sense to pick the sucker up. This guy ain't got no common sense.

Look at those tits. Yeah, they're moving now. They're moving now. I didn't see him move before, and now I see him swinging. You've got to restrain those tits, yeah. No, no. Oh, boy. Look at the joke.

Oh. Yeah. This guy. I mean, this is like a... Kind of feels like an audition. Yeah. The way that she's... She's very theatrical what she's doing.

Sure, sure. I'm kind of impressed by her acting skills. It's pretty good. Pretty good. Look. Oh, look at those tits go. Oh, yeah. She's on drugs or mental illness.

You do that sometimes. What? The chicken thing. I don't begog like that. Yeah, you do. I've heard you do it. I've heard you do chicken things. Yeah.

Do it, do it. See? Yeah. You do it pretty well. I'm really good at it, yeah. Hey, she's really losing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you see if the tits move?

Little mental illness. Little thing called mental illness. Oh, look at the tits move now. Look at the mental illness, yeah. Damn it. What's that? Mirror wasn't there. Whoa.

Dude. Whoa. She got the fucking... You see this movement here? Oh, the swirlers. Yeah, the swirlers. Yeah, they hit, they bam, bam. Wow.

That's a big old milk or something. God. Look at those flap wagons. Oh, my God. Oh, shit. Look at those dumpers. Yeah. She's got big old fucking dumpy tits.

I hate when these videos end like this and I don't know what happened next. Yeah. Or what the resolution was or anything. It is compelling. It is compelling stuff. If anybody knows what 50-pound tits did next, anyone has a follow-up, we'd love to hear about it. I mean, hers weigh more than mine, right?

Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah, okay. Those are three times the size of your tits. Just checking. Three times. Three times. At least I harness mine properly like I buy the right size bras. Yeah.

I got to do that. Here it is. Where is it? Better. I'm sorry. I've seen a lot of votes on how much my tits weigh. Yeah, that's what I was trying to find. I saw.

Sure. I'll just tell you the tweets I've been getting. People have been ranging from six pounds each to two and a half to 15 or 20. I have some relevant info regarding the weight of mommy Tina's mushy perps. My girlfriend had G-sized sloppy hangers when I first met her. Sure. Due to them interfering with our cum hugs and her spine curvature, she had them reduced to C-cups and lost a total of five pounds from the operation.

Jean's hangers have got to be high and tight with mommy milk, so 15 pounds apiece is a fair estimate. Love you both. Wow. And when they're full of milk, for sure, at least. Yeah, because they keep growing during your pregnancy. Well, right now, yeah, they're getting bigger now even more because the milk ducts are starting to.

And then people have submitted different techniques. Oh, great. Quick solution for tit weight, just have Tina stand on a regular bathroom scale, then have her do it again while Tommy holds up her tits, subtract the difference. That's from Dane. Okay. Well, let's think about that. Does that really work?

Yeah. I guess that would work. I feel like, I mean, that's a technique, but it's not going to be as accurate as just getting that tit weight. Yeah. I'm not so sure. Someone said they weighed their tits on a deli scale. If you'd be interested, years ago, when I was just a last with double Ds, I worked

for a deli. It was a slow Sunday. I was working with the all female staff. They were not as blessed as I am in the titty department and like to gently tease me about my abundance. We wildly, we wonder how much they weighed. Well, we had it happen to have a deli meat scale at hand. We were silly on free milkshakes and all the weed we smoked in the basement.

We gave it a try after placing a sheet of deli tissue on the scale. I stepped up, popped out my bra and proceeded to weigh them. I had a lefty at 4.7 pounds. Wow. The right was 5.2. Wow. We didn't sanitize the scale and everyone got their tits out and there was hot scissoring. Just kidding.

We cleaned up and clocked out. Now I have a great story to tell my job interviews. Keep your mushy purples high and tight. Lisa in Virginia, if you would like any advice on how to accomplish a tit weigh-in, I consider myself pretty much an expert in the sport. Well, now I just have to get my hands on a deli scale. That's right. People have mentioned that.

They've been mentioning that. Somebody else said that this kitchen scale is something you could do. A couple months ago, my boyfriend and I had the same question, so I got out the glass top kitchen scale, laid it on the edge of the table and got down to the level of the table where the bottom of my tits lined up at the top of the scale and I plopped a tit on top. I'm a 34 double D and each one rounded out to six pounds. Wow.

12 pounds total. Holly in Newfoundland, Canada. PSI estimate Christina's tit weight at 18 pounds. Wow. So we can just buy one from Amazon. The glass scale? The glass scale? The glass scale?

Here's the thing though, but how do you know that the pressure of you, I know what she said, you're going to plop it on there, but how do you know you're not putting more pressure on the scale by how you're standing? Well, that's something to consider, of course. These are all factors. I think the deli scale might be the only reliable. Yeah. Do you think we could try the whole farts?

You think they would let us do it? Yeah. We're friends with those workers. Yeah. That's totally possible. A deli meat scale, because a deli meat scale, I feel like it's used to being very precise. You know, you measure out thin slices of meat. It's very precise.

You're right. Those are big tits. Those are real big tits. The double D's, even. I'm surprised how much those weigh. Huge titties. I want to get mine reduced after, definitely. What do you want to bring them down to?

See? A C cup will be like being in fifth grade again for me, like a fucking run. Right before this, we started recording. I saw this, came up that Sony Pictures has apologized after Peter Rabbit, the movie, exploits a food allergy upsetting some parents. Oh, a food allergy, huh? Her son has food allergies and a scene in the film shows blackberries being used as a weapon.

The backlash of the scene has already drawn an apology from the filmmakers. Oh, good. Good. Holy shit. Well, I'm glad we're apologizing. The big corporations are yielding to these idiots. That's great. Good example.

Encourage the other dummies to come forward. Allergies are often not taken seriously enough to have them trivialized on the big screen by such a popular character as immensely disappointing. In a statement, Sony Pictures apologized, food allergies are a serious issue. Our film should not have made light of Peter Rabbit's arch nemesis Mr. McGregor being allergic to blackberries even in a cartoonish slapstick way. The statement, which attributed in part to the film's directors, writers, and producers added, we sincerely regret not being more aware and sensitive to this issue, and we

truly apologize. Jesus Christ. Is this the end of us? Is this the end of America? I mean, this is a food allergy joke. And here's the thing. As I was posting a joke about He-Man the other day on my Instagram, it's a meme that someone sent me on Twitter.

It's like He-Man has now changed it himself to They-Man. And I was just picturing the backlash. That's the joke though? Yeah. It's pretty funny. And somebody being like, but I'm non-binary. And I was really thinking about this in a logical, philosophical way. Yeah.

Okay. So what's wrong? So someone has a food allergy, what's wrong with putting it in a story that somebody has a food allergy? You don't see? Well, because they made fun of, like he was trying to find his EpiPen, and then he went into anaphylactic shock, and that was the joke. But he did not.

Yeah. Oh, is that right? Yeah, yeah. But so what? So what if somebody's upset about, I have that thing and you can't make fun of it? Well, that's exactly it. That's the logic, right? It's that it affects me.

It makes me sad, therefore you can't joke about it. Yeah. You can only joke about things that don't affect me. Me personally. Yeah. But here we go. If we keep apologizing to everybody, then it's an infinite apology, and we can't talk about shit.

Yeah. I'm sure that you could go to some of these people and be like, how do you feel about jokes about Mexicans? And they'd be like, I mean, that's fine. I don't know any Mexicans. I know about these fucking peanut allergies. I mean, these blackberries are upsetting to me personally, because I have the allergy. It's very selective.

Yeah, it's just... It's always about only what affects you is offensive. The lot is just the logic. So I was thinking to myself, let's say somebody is going to contact me from the non-binary community. Okay. So what? I know.

So why does that mean I can't joke about it? Because you're being, I don't know, you're being insensitive to something that affects me. Okay. So I'm being insensitive. And so why is that? Is it necessarily immoral? Is it wrong to be insensitive?

It's not funny. It's not funny, because it's something that I've been going through, and I can tell you that it's not funny. It's not funny for you. Right. But it's funny for everybody else. Well, they shouldn't be laughing, because it's not a funny topic. So we should control the external world to make your internal world happy.

If you were actually funny, you could figure out something else to joke about that wasn't at the expense of people with allergies who haven't decided their pronoun yet. It's my favorite. Yeah. No, it's an endless cycle. I mean, you could just go on and on and on. And the problem too, like I said, is these Sonys are cow-towing to this horribly stupid logic.

That's the amazing part, is that they extended an apology for that. I mean, is there a huge Blackberry allergy community that... It must be somewhat significant. I think it's also not even just Blackberry allergies. It's just parents. I mean, I have friends. We know people whose children are allergic to, you know, foods. Peanuts.

Are you kidding me? Well, LJ, I put him in preschool when I was doing the enrollment papers. They give you a sheet this long, just reading you the riot act on Do Not Pack, Any Not Related, No Peanut Butter, Almond Butter, Nut Butter, Soy Butter, Anyka, No Nuts, No Nuts, Granola Barge. You have to buy them without nuts. Is that even possible? Is there even a granola bar without fucking nuts?

Well, that's the thing is that I totally get that part and I get... I did too, because some kid's gonna die if you break it. Yeah, no, I get it. I get it. And I get it that it's a serious issue for some families. I'm glad we don't have it. Yes, of course. But I still think you can make jokes about allergies.

Yeah, why can't you make fun of the allergy? You're not making fun of the kid. You're making fun of the fact that they have to give you a sheet now because of the thing or whatever the joke is. I mean, people have AIDS jokes. Such good ones. And you know, we haven't heard enough. I feel like people have been reigning it in.

People have Holocaust jokes. Yeah, rape. Rape jokes. Rape is great. Yeah, I don't know if that... I'm glad that was your sentence. But yeah, people joke about all types of horrible things. Everything.

Deafness, disabilities, everything. Yeah. I think you and I have covered a few of those personally. I've heard from a few people. I know, it's like... Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I think the thing is the answer for all those people is like, just don't laugh if you don't think it's funny and also watch something else.

Watch something else. Move on with your life. Are there no other movies playing right now? Well, here's the thing. You know me and I don't like vomiting. I have a phobia of vomiting. So whenever it's in a film, I just don't like it for that brief second. But then would I write the movie people and let them know, I have a phobia.

I don't like seeing it. You should take it out. Yeah. You just go, oh, that's a moment that I'm not going to care for in this guy's actor. It's just so silly. It is. People are fucking out of their mind. I'm kind of enjoying watching people spiral though.

I'm kind of getting off on it now. Like now that it's extended to food allergies, now it's great. I hope it keeps going. I hope the outrage keeps going to more and more absurd things. Like I hope they start going like, and then he made fun of his friend for not liking cheese in the movie. And I come from a dairy family. And then somebody's like, you know, we should have been thoughtful about the dairy community

in Wisconsin. And we apologize for that joke. And then just let it keep going. But the only reason that the Sonys of the world are apologizing is because of the internet and the visibility of these dummies who rally together in Facebook groups and groups on Twitter. They use social media to collectively be idiots. And, you know, Sony doesn't want their name being tarnished.

I'm assuming. So they have to shut these idiots up somehow. It's ridiculous. Anyway, speaking of lunacy, we found the best goddamn reality show last night. Oh my God. Well, what's it called? Love. Hold on.

I posted it on my Instagram. I'm at Christina P. I think I am. It is a maze. I'm the Christina P. It's called Love After Lock Up. And you would think that it would just be a show about like dating, but it's better than that.

Oh my God. It's people that are marrying convicted felons. It's amazing. It is amazing. I wonder, what is it called again? You just said it. Love After Lock Up. It's on WeTV.

And we were scrolling through last night. You were taking a shit as usual. And I saw this gem and I thought it doesn't get any better than inmates dating non-inmates. And it's not dating. It's marriage. Jesus. Help me. Jesus.

They found love online. I discovered Allah. Allah is my thought. Oh my God. She's beautiful. Yeah. I just hope he thinks I look pretty. Like, where does he live?

He lives in California. Yeah, he actually does. He is a convict. He is in prison. Are you shitting me? Oh, wow. They looked him up and saw his mugshot. I was like, wow, this guy takes a really hot mugshot.

They've never been together outside prison walls. My man is a good man. In prison. Yes. He's still a good man. This is for a collect call. Where are you guys from? Visit me.

I'm just another man. No. Once released, they planned to marry. My dream wedding, my dad would be walking me down the aisle. You're crazy. Why do they have to, why do they have to marry immediately? My dad would be walking down the aisle. I thought, dad decided I had a dream that daddy would walk me down the aisle.

And there would be horses. And all my bridesmaids would wear a few shop. Yeah. That girl is obsessed. They're all fucked up. These people are actually super sad. You can tell that they're all scared. They're like kicked dogs.

They're like, I just want a nice owner. And oddly enough, ironically, they feel like this will be the good owner. Yeah, because what it is that they say in the show, well, the thing is there's less quote, less risk dating an inmate because there's less theoretically things they can do to you. They can't cheat on you. They can't do anything bad. The irony is they're actually way more harmful to these poor souls because they're criminals,

they're manipulating this, this woman took $20,000 from this guy. Well, he's sent her. Yeah. And she admits, then she's like, at first I was just like trying to pull money out of him. You're like, I'm a con artist. But now I'm not. Now it's love.

I'm changed. Yeah. My favorite is that one lady's dating a guy who's been locked up for 18 years. 18. 18. He has not seen the outside for two decades. He's never seen the internet. And she has kids.

Yeah. She has kids. She's like a Mariam and like this will be their new dad, instant dad. And you're like, uh-huh. Three small children and they're all like young children. Yeah. Nice little sweet kids. And she's.

Who's our new dad? Well, he has been doing some stuff and he's finally here. Yeah. Nice and thoughtful of her because she also likes to think of what gang affiliation he has when she gets dressed and stuff. Unbelievable. He's like, well, he's a Crips. So I can't wear red when I pick him up and you're like, really?

Is that important right now? Here he is talking about it. I ain't never had a job before in my life until I started working for SIL. You know, in and out of jail. You know what I'm saying? Did a little bit of everything. You know what I'm saying? Now I'm.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. And look, I am not saying that maybe these guys in prison can't turn it around and maybe they are nice people because not everybody's all rotten and. No, of course not. And there's such thing as redemption and all that. But I mean. How about you give it a minute before you get married?

Running into the to the wedding is a can not be a good idea. Well, so then the girl, there's that this is her daddy we're looking at and she's 26 or yeah, 26 and her boo is getting out of prison. He's 24. Just a laundry list of what is it, vehicular he's stealing cars and stealing all kinds of stuff. Yeah. He's stealing and he's broken into homes and credit cards.

He's my favorite. He's what he's one of these white boys. He's like, yeah, you know, I had a relationship with a female in a minute. Yeah. What dude? Transracial, I believe. Yeah. He's really adapted to the lingo.

You know, and then he's cute relations in a minute. Are you getting married in the temple? I'm a Mormon girl. He's a gay finger. So did he shoot somebody? She gets mad when they tease her. They're like, you married a guy. Prison.

Yeah. Where did you get that ring? Like in the little penny slot machine in prison? And she's like, you got to make up for me. Well, no, she goes, that's disrespectful. You're being disrespectful. It's like, no, they're actually being honest with you dummy. Yeah.

So the 26 year old girl, her whole thing is she just wants the wedding. You know, it doesn't matter to who just that this guy comes out and that I can wear a dress and my bridesmaids can wear burgundy and we can have a wedding. It's like, you don't even care who you're marrying. A lot of both of these women are like, I just want the dress. They just want to have their fantasy wedding. Yeah. It's really fucked up.

I think that's what's really fucked up about women and how they raise us little girls from the very beginning. Yeah. A lot of this Disney horse shit. It's called, I mean, listen, my parents certainly didn't pump that into my head. No, I know. But I think now there's such a level of awareness that you have a chance if you have a little girl to not put that in her head that the greatest day ever will be your wedding day.

Most important day of your life. Most important day of your life. Yeah. And you can be a princess. For one day you get to be the princess. You can wear what you want to wear and have all the colors that you love the most. Yeah. But remember like those gypsies, the big gypsy wedding show?

Oh my God. That was her whole thing. My mother had put in my head one solitaire diamond with diamonds all around it. Yeah. And then horses. That's my dream. Yeah. And then you just what?

You just live in the memory of that day? I think so. That's the best day I own. Very bizarre. I mean, it's so, it's so crazy to me that that's the biggest highlight of your life is the stupid fucking wedding day. You gotta be kidding me. She's a real piece of shit.

So that in the beginning, I guess you could call him a trick. It was a trick in the beginning. And the only thing is though, that the way he was with me, how I was able to be honest with him. Yeah. He was okay with me being me. He's broken too, this poor man. Oh yeah.

He's fucked up. He's so just like, uh, okay baby. He's like buying shit he can't afford for her. Oh yeah. She's gonna, she's gonna bleed him dry, I believe, of course. Yeah. It's all. It's so great though.

I mean, you get to see how in delusion, you get to see how people talk themselves into bad ideas. Yeah. It's fun. If you guys want to show love after lockup, I wish I could find this guy. You're those number one in different ways. I found. Uh, this guy is amazing.

Which guy? The transracial man? Yeah. Yeah. The transracial guy. He's really. What race does he identify with, would you say? Here he is.

Garrett. That's his name. Oh, and then, um, that's the other guy. That's the other thing is that they're marrying people they've never also slept with. Never had sex, never had a date, never had anything normal. Nothing. Can't have conversations on the phone longer than 15 minutes. Then there's the guy marrying the heroin girl.

Oh, forget, and he's sweet. He's a marine. He's real sweet. He's an IT guy. He's got crazy eyes though. Yeah, Dr. Drew is telling us when you see the tops of the whites, it's like a pulmonary thing. Is that?

No, that was a chest thing. That was the way he was breathing. Well, what's the whites? Is that crystal meth or drugs? I don't know what it is, but... We gotta ask Dr. Drew. But, uh, yeah, so he's sweet as can be. He's a good guy.

And then, just Eastern European Hall, one of my tribe, ropes him in with the internet pictures of her, and she's a former recovering heroin addict. Yeah. And she got put in prison for, for what was she doing? It was possession and intent to distribute or something. Yeah. Heroin. Special.

Just heroin. Yep. Yeah. Good stuff. Could you imagine your child being like, I'm marrying this... Well, that's what this shows you. These parents are like, you know what the fuck? That one guy's so he's like, you're gonna marry this guy?

She's like, give him a chance. He's a great guy. The great guy line is my favorite. Yeah. Don't you think they should, I don't know, just earn the great guy status? Well, if you have to tell people, you know what I mean? What is up with this great guy? He's doing 18 years for Arm Robbery.

Oh, he is a great guy. He's great at crime. That's what I meant to say. I've been waiting and waiting for this date. They're gonna have sex. We're gonna have sex. She's going to pick him up. I'm freaking out.

He's about to get out of jail. Remember, she got some matching outfit. That's the priority is that they match. So unbelievable. 23998. Oh, yeah. And then the lady goes and buys a car. Yeah.

For the one of the... The 18-year felon guy. She buys him a new vehicle. And she's Mormon, too. So her community is not going to be pleased with this shit. Looks like you can, by the way, watch this first full episode on YouTubes. Oh, good. I can't believe you're home.

All right, let me know. Oh, my God. Please talk for these people so we can hear him talk. I think he talked right now. I was in prison for burglaries, grand theft, stealing from people's homes, cars. And for drug use and drug possession. I was sentenced to eight years in prison, five years probation and drug treatment. When I was 18, it was definitely crazy.

You know, going to prison for all those years. Living with 80 guys in a room. I love it. Everyone has arterial motives. Everyone always wants something from you, you know. Look who he met. Oh, really? Wait, criminals are shitty people?

So what you're saying? It definitely feels like one of the best days of my life. Are you going to cry? That's the guy who's white. He's crying. It's one of the best days of my life. You don't say it. I love you so much.

I love you. All right, come and go. Yeah. Babe. The lamest part is that this bitch brought him a matching outfit. I know. Who does that? No.

You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Like when I come to get you out of prison, do you want me to bring our matching? Of course. Adidas tracksuits? Of course. We'll walk out and be like, I'm free again. You know what I'm saying?

I've been locked up. I ain't been with a female in about six and a half years. I would love if you as a president came back talking like that. I'm like, who are you? Who am I bitch? Who the fuck are you? It's Florida talk. He's from Florida.

That's what it is. Oh, is that what it is? I mean, he is from Florida. So I don't know. But he's been doing his thing. I think he's a Tampa boy. Oh, yeah. Tampa.

I could see you with a guy like that. For sure. He's actually cute. You know what she said? So these people... Hot mugshot. Yeah. These people find the inmates on an inmate dating site and they put their mugshots up

and she goes, well, he had a hot mugshot. And I was like, this bitch is crazy. And I saw it. I was like, you're right. He kind of does have a hot mugshot. Same with the truck driver that's with that scam, that hooker. She's got a great mugshot. She's smiling at hers and shit.

She knew her angles. And so does the heroin girl. She was like modeling before. They're all hot. Hot inmates. Yeah. So that's what happened. You know what it is?

It's these broken people go that hot person who would never... Wait. Like that truck driver said. Yeah. Out of jail, she's a 10, but in jail, she's a nine and a half. Remember? He didn't say it that way, but he goes, I'm like a five. She's like a nine and a half.

She's a nine and a half. Yeah. And you go, why did he take away a half a star? Yeah. Like whenever you're talking about... Like star search. Your significant other. You don't dial it back.

Right. You don't go like... She's like a nine and a half. Yeah. Half a point because she's a felon. But... That makes sense. That's so fucked up.

By the way, somebody got their mom to do this in case you were wondering. Oh, okay. I have to do this thing for school. I need you just to say something. Okay? Can you say, my name is Mary Jo and I'm a ball hog. Your name is Mary Jo and I'm a ball hog. You gotta say it like sexy.

Like my name is Mary Jo and I'm a ball hog. My name is Mary Jo and I'm a ball hog. For school, huh? For school. Oh, Larry. My name is Mary Jo and I'm a ball hog. Oh my God. Good job.

I like Mary Jo. She's cool. Just a little audio note, maybe turn down that TV if you're trying to get audio next time. Right. But nevertheless, good job, Tyler. Get your mom on the ball hog thing. And then...

They're cute. This is for you, Jean. Last week, you made me order farta chokes. Yeah. And somebody ordered... Welcome, you guys. Can I help you? I want to make an order for pickup.

Can I get some chicken fartida nachos without the vegetables? Vegetables? Okay. No vegetables. Okay. All right. So that's the chicken fartida nachos. You can order rice.

All right. I'll be there to pick it up. Man, I can't get enough of this. There you go. That's Donald's. That was fantastic. Thanks, Donald. Man, that was hilarious.

I can't laugh enough at those. I know. I love when people fuck with people like that. Farta chokes. Farta is. People have been sending me this on Twitter and now emails, now it's here that there is a job that you could really... Oh, look.

You can read it here. What does it say? What's the job description? Scrum master. Scrum master. Senior project manager. A lot of... Yeah, some people have been sending me this.

Scrum master. Scrum master. I didn't know that. That was a job. Fuck my stoma. Scrum master. Yeah. You can be a scrum master and I don't think I have to read the description.

It just says, as a scrum master, you'll play a major role shaping our success. What about a ball hog? What am I? A ball hog or a scrum master? I want you to be a scrum master. This guy sent Gus, sent one of these, and he said, I've been doing some job searching, stumbled upon what could be mommy Tom's next dream job. I don't know how long the job will stay up.

Here it is. By the way, I'm the guy you met with Ari and Brent Chrysler when you guys were leaving Topgolf in Atlanta. To attest to Tom's story, Brent was the one who proposed I take a picture with him and later with you guys. If there's a trophy for a tension whore champion, I think Brent takes it easily. Yeah. Love all your guys shit, piss on me and bite my balls, Gus from Atlanta.

He's referring to when we left Topgolf, this guy, Gus, was just like, oh, hey, what's up, Bert? He's like, you want to take a picture? Oh, thank you. And then was like, you want to take a picture with the guys? Oh, boy. Bert. It's kind of hilarious.

Bert. Basically, Bert saw him and was like, no, we'll all take a picture and made him take a picture. Yeah. It's a beard group. You should all French kiss each other with your beards. Yeah. It's so funny.

I was a full charge this weekend and I got recognized a few places and he was like, you get recognized a lot. And I go, it just depends on where and he goes, but basically every guy with a beard seems to recognize you. I'm like, yeah, I think it's true. Oh, that's funny. Guys that look like me are like, I know who you are. Yeah.

The bearded group. The bearded group. You guys will eat each other scrubs and get. We all scrum out on each other. Get the sauce and your beards. Yeah. Those balls. Sniffing.

Yeah. That's terrible, babe. That's pretty cool. That's terrible. What is this here? Oh, have you seen this? This is like, happened a couple of weeks ago and a lot of people were talking about it, but I don't know if you heard about it or saw it.

And that is Tom Brady, the quarterback for. Fuck Tom Brady. Is that what you're supposed to say? Some people say that. Yeah, I've heard that. I don't know anything about it. But he did the show for Facebook where he let cameras follow him around. Oh, I heard about this and his son kissed him or something and it wasn't good enough

and he went back for seconds. Well, just here. Just watch. Okay, let me see. So, getting like shoulder treatment. Oh, hello. I was wondering if I could check my fancy jeans. What do I get?

Clutch. There you go, Jack. Everything comes at a cost, bud. That was like a peck. It was your fancy quarterback, Jack. Cam Newton. Cam Newton. See, now that I see it, because I've heard people talking about it.

Yeah. Okay, so he goes in for one peck and then he goes in for a second one and the second one's really meaningful mouth kiss with his dad. It's weird to me. Okay, yeah. Look, I know that some families, they mouth kiss, but I think the same sex is kind of, it's a little. For me personally, it's just not my thing.

I don't mouth kiss our son. I don't think that's. No, I've never mouth kissed anyone in my family. No, I accidentally did my stepdad once. He turned his head. Yeah. My Indian stepdad. Accidents.

But I'm talking about the regular practice. Yeah, but that happened in the early 90s and I've been thinking about it ever since. Like, it was a bad moment. I think because cheek kissing is so big in my mom's culture that there's never a mistake for a mouth. No, I don't do that. I mean, I don't know if I didn't, if I didn't have her. I think my dad's family, I probably, I don't even know if we'd go past hugs, you know,

right? Your dad's more formal. Yeah. They're definitely more. Well, in Hungarian, you kiss both cheeks. Yeah. Now it's, we're cheek kissers. We're not mouth kissers.

This is a very weird thing. I don't, I'm not into this man. So he's coming back for number two. It's so sensual too. It's so weird. I mean, let's count it. Let's go. Jack, everything comes at a cost.

That was the short one. Yeah. So he says, come back. Yeah. I'm his dad. I'm his noon too. Ew. That's weird.

I'm his dad. But then here. Wait, did you hear him say, but I'm his dad. I don't know. It was like. Here he is with his dad. I'm his dad. I'm his dad.

I'm his dad. Yeah, noon's having a good game? Yeah. So good. Are there comments still here? Yeah. So yeah, this has caused the huge debate online. It's a bit awkward.

It is. We've had this conversation before, so he's 11 years old. Yeah. 11. Tom kisses his dad too. Yeah. It's a family thing, maybe, but it's a bit longer than it should be. Yeah.

Oh, they didn't show it. Oh, my God. Because he also, they show him, Tom, with his, you know, 70-year-old dad, and they kiss him. On the mouth? Yeah, on the mouth. Could you imagine kissing Top Dog's mouth? Ugh.

I feel so bad for my mother. Yeah. Ew. I mean, the smells alone that come out of your dad's mouth. His dad mouth on your dad mouth. Ew. He's drinking coffee. It's going to, my dad mouth's going to kick in big time.

Generational dad mouth kissing? Yeah. Disgusting. I don't know. What do you think? I mean, would you kiss Ellis? No, you don't kiss Ellis on the mouth. No.

I mean, I mean, probably as a, I don't, I kiss him on his cheeks. I mean, it's just. Yeah. I think it's inappropriate personally. I'm sure I've gotten close, you know, but he's also too. Yeah. But do you want, yeah. No, I don't want to.

No, I'm just saying, like, as a little kid personally, like, you know how nasty your dad's mouth is? Yeah. I've been nasty since I can remember, like, just putting his mouth on my, I don't even like the idea of it. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

Just dad mouth. Why you got me some nasty Tom Brady? Ugh. It is nasty. I don't like that. I know. I don't know. I don't want to.

I don't get into it. I don't want to, I'm sure we just contributed to that kid probably got tortured at school for that. Well, that's, that's, you listen, and that's Tom Brady's fault for exposing his children on the fucking show or whatever. Yeah. But now that being said, I grew up with a family, a friend of mine. He would mouth kiss his mother, his father, and his sister good night.

And hello. God damn it. Yes. They were a nice family. What were, what was his ethnicity? They were Jewish. Hmm. White Jews.

Uh, and, uh, he was a goth kid with us, which was even weirder. Mouth kissing. And they were a nice family. They were super nice. And I remember, uh, the mom would be like, Hey, give your sister a kiss. Good night. And then he would go and mouth kiss his sister. Good night.

And then good night. Dad. Mouth kiss. Dad. Mouth kiss. Mom. I'll tell you what's a weird one too. I've had it happen only a few times, but kind of, I've had some like high society girls

that are, like there's, that they're friends, it's not a dating thing. Greet you with mouse. I don't like that. I know I've had it before too, where you go like, and what I mean by high society is you know, like affluent types who like country clubbers. Yeah. Who, um, greet you with mouth kisses and, and, and like, uh, they do with all their friends.

Yeah. I, you know, friends are one thing I just, I do, I do think family, especially opposite sex might be a little hanky. I don't know. I'll say, I think it's kind of odd in my family though, we bathe together and we have for years. And you know, when I go home and I see my folks, we'll take a bath or we'll take a shower together.

The whole family. Well, a lot of times I'll take it with my mom and dad and we, you know, we soap each other up, but it's like, I've just never thought twice about it. Family shower. Well, in California too, we have strict water regulations, so that's kind of a nice thing you guys do. And I remember in college when I would go home, uh, if I brought, like sometimes my friends would come with me, it would be my dad, myself and my friend, we'd all take a

shower or a bath together. And that was just how we do things. And then sometimes when you pooped, your dad would poop in between your legs. Or I would poop between his legs. That's right. So we poop at the same time. Right. Which is also a nice water saver too.

Water saver. But again, I, some people think that's weird. Sure. Sure. And that's just how we do it in our house. Yeah. I don't know. My family wasn't that affectionate either, but I think the mouth kiss would fucking,

I wouldn't like that. Do you, with hungos, you guys do cheek kisses. Cheeks. Yeah. One, two. You give one, two, sometimes a third. I've seen, I've been, uh, I think in Spain it was always two, one, two, and then there's places where you do three.

One, two, three. Yeah. Yeah. One, two, three. Yes. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Hungarians, you say.

That's a lot of work by the way. That's a lot of work by the way. Oh yeah. Pussy. Pussy, stupid. Pussy, for people who don't know, who's kissing. Kiss. Yeah.

Hungo. Yeah. I do, I think one, two, three is a lot of work. Too much. Yeah. Come on. And I didn't like kissing Hungarian guys growing up because they were a lot of aftershave. And I remember, like my dad's friends would be, have really greasy, smelly cheeks.

Yeah. They kiss you, they kiss you, they kiss, and then you smell like what that fucking Hungo's face smelled like. I hate it. You know, the Argentine men, you kiss each other the same way, because in Peru, it's only opposite sexes that greet with a kiss. Oh, right, yeah. The Argentines, the men do it to each other.

That's fucking gay. And they do too. Yeah, it's super gay. I thought so. The first time it happened, I pulled back. No. And one of my cousins was like, I don't know, this is, I don't know, I was like, nah, bro. And then he grabbed your nuts.

Yeah. Just let it go. Relax. You know, Hungarians are way too homophobic for that shit. Yeah. They'd be like, fuck you, fucking touch me. Fuck you, kiss me. Fucking homo.

Kiss my dick right now. Yeah. No way, bro. Here's some foreigners. These guys are, let's see, this is the Shepard's Bush Raiders rugby team. They are an Australian rules football team based in London. Apparently, this speech helped them out a count, a comeback. I love this type of sports shit.

That's why the fucking sticking up, everyone's fucking asses to take this fucking all over. Fucking hell! Come on! You feel it now? Fucking hell! These guys are fucking stopping. Look at them! They're standing there and doing nothing.

We've got the run to play now, so we can take this fucking game. Sticking up their fucking ass, because they're looking at each other fucking nothing. Come on! Look at each other in the eyes. You can see the fucking desire there. Come on! They're fucking dead. They're fucking dead.

We take this game away from these guys. Attention, buddy! Get out! Fuck these guys! We're gonna run over here! Fuck these cunts. That's what I'm asking you in place. It's to push yourself right to the final.

We take this fucking price away from these guys. They ain't deserve it. We fucking do it! And then fucking run over here! I like it. It sounds like these guys were saying these cunts, you know, which I respect. Yeah. They came down.

There were 48 points down in the second quarter in A1 by 2 after that cunt speech. Wow! Yeah. See, I feel like I would just talk that way normally. Dog cunts. Yeah. Dog cunts. Dog cunts.

I feel like those are the kind of speeches I'd be giving normally. You just talk like that? Yeah. I feel like that's the kind of fire you need to win, you know. That's how I talk to myself before I go up on stage. Fucking cunts. Fucking take this shit down. Do you really tear yourself down before you go up?

Do you really do that? Not like that. No, no. No, but I can't be in a good mood. What? I can't feel good about myself or feel happy. We have 100% opposite requirements. What?

What do you do? I don't like... Obviously, everyone who's done it this long has gone on stage with the full spectrum of feelings, so I know, you know, I've gone on stage in a horrible mood. I've gone on stage in a great... Yeah. I think I'm a much better show and a better comic when I'm in a great mood and when I feel loose and I'm laughing about stuff, I think I'm a better comic.

Yeah. But some people, you know, that energy is weird on them. No, it doesn't work for me. I have to feel miserable. What? I have to feel a little self-loathing and I just have to get... It's like, it's not that I'm really feeling that way because I'm a pretty happy person actually, but from my comedy brain to flip over, I have to go in there before I can get

up. It's like a weird thing. I have to switch into that mode. I can't just be like happy, go lucky and go up there because I won't focus. I won't be funny. I don't know why. You won't be funny if you... If I go up there happy?

Yeah. Like if I'm like, oh my God, everything's great. It doesn't work for me. I have to get conti. I have to get miserable. It's just how it goes. Yeah. How it goes.

I got to do my Tonya Harding. I got to fight the imaginary, you know, mom figure, I think is what's happening, honestly. I got to prove somebody wrong. I'm so crazy in my brain. I got it. Yeah. It's a lot. Well, it's a lot only for comedy.

I don't do it in my regular life, but I just know like that's where I have to access to do the thing that I do. Yeah. You know? What do you say to yourself? Like what if you're in a good mood? Yeah. Then I have to talk myself down into, I mean, I just have to get, I have to remind myself

of the harder times to stand up and when I used to have to fight for the audience to pay attention to me and if I, like I have to go to like Toledo comedy connection with two X's when I was opening, I was an opening act. Yeah. And I'm eating fucking nachos for dinner and I'm staying in a motel. I just remember those times. You really, you deliberately take yourself care. Yes, I do.

I have to go back to like the grime and the hard stuff. I don't know. I don't know. I think my performance feels better. Yeah. It's like Rodney, no respect. I mean, imagine if Rodney went up there and was like, everything's great. My wife loves me.

My kids respect me. It's just going to be, I think for me, how I'm funny is to be just a little miserable, a little, a little saucy, right? Yeah. To be a little spicy. By the way, I didn't even see that this was here. We were discussing the pronouns earlier. I worked for a social services agency and recently my agency forced all staff to declare

our gender pronouns publicly in our emails of all correspondence between co-workers and anyone in the public who might email while I support individuals' rights to declare their own identity and pronouns. I feel like this top down decision is way overreaching plus for the people still nervous about it, my work is basically forcing them to make a decision they may not be ready to make. That's interesting. I wanted to hear your thoughts before I sent HR a long email about my thoughts.

Just be like, hey, hi, how are you? What's your name? Well, here's the thing about gender identity is that it's fluid. So what you may want to say to HR is today I'm her, tomorrow I could flux and be a heath. That is actually an excellent point. Thank you. I would highlight, I would make that an even bigger point and say I don't appreciate being forced to make this declaration right now, although I see that you're doing it so that

people who have made their pronoun decision can let people know and people who cannot offend them. But one of the things that really bothers me is as a gender fluid individual, I am only into using this pronoun for the moment. It doesn't mean that I'll like it tomorrow or even by the end of this email. But yeah, exactly, hourly I can change my gender. You can also speak for others and say, and others also have the right to change their pronouns on a regular basis.

May I suggest that this email go out at the beginning of each day? I would go a step farther every hour, hourly and update as to what everyone's pronouns are so nobody's affected negatively when somebody misidentifies their pronouns. What's your pronoun? Maybe keep up. I don't know. We used to have these when I worked in offices, the messenger window and whoever's fluxing at the moment can update the entire staff so nobody gets their feelings hurt when they're

misidentified. Yeah. That's true. It's so complicated. Nobody makes a mistake. Yeah. It's very, you know what it is? It's logical.

It makes sense. It makes a lot of sense. It's a good way to spend the HR energy. You know what I'm saying? Corporate energy needs to be spent on pronouns and identifying them. Yeah. What the fuck? What is this world?

Mommy's loved the show. Can't wait to see Tom and Omaha. I have a story about my cousin who was born with six toes on his left foot. When they went to the doctor to get it removed, they cut off the wrong toe. Shut up. Instead of cutting off the outside pinky, which I don't know what you call that, they cut off the actual pinky toe. No.

Look at his foot. He has a two-inch gap between the ring toe and his pinky. Being the mess the person I'm, I would laugh every time I saw it. Sure. Fuck all the haters and the cross-eyed doctor who can't tell the difference between a regular toe and the extra one, Billy. Jesus. That's bad luck.

How does that happen? You don't have like a big marker that you point to the fucking thing? Yeah. Well, I've read, I've seen that in movies where people put an X on the leg. They're supposed to have amputated just to make sure. Yeah. Yeah, dude. How do you get the wrong one off, dude?

I don't know. Fuck that. I remember in Tampa, it was Tampa, it was a big, it was a, it became a national story, but it was a guy who was supposed to have his leg amputated and the amputated the wrong one. Yeah, cool. So he became a double amputee. God.

God damn it. I know. It sucks, but at least it's, you know, survivable kind of, you know. Yeah. Because your equilibrium will be off with a missing toe, but you won't be completely hobble. Or at least that guy, the guy who, you know, I'm sure one of his last thoughts, and the last thing they said was like, hey, at least you'll still have one leg.

He was like, that's true. Right. Right. And then you wake up and they're like, ah, actually. Big mistake. Big mistake. You're going to lose both, but also we're going to give you like $6 million. He's like, all right.

Is that worth it? Does that make it for your leg? No, of course not. Well, what dollar amount would that be worth to you? God damn it. That would be super fucking expensive. Do you know that's how the law works though? The idea is to make you whole again.

That's the phrase they used in my two weeks in law school. To make somebody whole again. And what that means is monetary compensation. That's literally what they're doing is like, we'll just fill up the leg hole with money. It's crazy. I know that those monetary settlements are based on the money you have and your ability to earn money. So like when Tracy Morgan was in that huge accident with the Walmart driver, the terms

has never been released, but it's been reported that his settlement amount is astronomical because he's earned, you know, he's worth a lot of money. And the potential earnings that they could affect when he was out of commission are off the chain too. They're diminished. You don't know how it affected his potential for his earnings. And so like with him, they don't go like, like for a regular Joe, they might say, we'll give you $5 million.

Right. Okay. And with him, it's many, many, many times more. Right. So that's his definition of making him whole, which is just money, which is bananas to me. I would also throw in stuff like, I mean, like if you got murdered by someone like, I'd be like, I want, I want that guy to apologize to me every morning.

I want him to come to my house and like get down on his knees and beg forgiveness and stuff like that. Can you have that? What is this? Like, for instance, can't you just demand that whoever did the wrong, come and repent like every morning to you. I don't think you can do that. I'd like to.

If someone murdered. Did you see that guy, um, that wanted to kill the, the, in the courtroom, who was it? It's that famous trial and he's like to the, to the judge, like, can I spend some time alone with this man? The one that was at the coach that was molesting. Yeah. The doctor, the US agent. Yeah.

Oh my goodness. And then he took off, tried to attack him in the cops, uh, tackled him and yeah, but that was gray. He's like, can I have a minute alone in the room with this guy? And she was like, no. He's like, I was going to do it anyway. I feel like good for you. Yeah.

Totally understandable. Was he even held in contempt or like, probably nothing. I don't know. I'm sure it's one of those things where they have to, you know, protect any citizen from that happening. They probably pull him back and they're like, it's five dollars. Yeah. Talk good, man.

I wish we could give you five minutes with him. Yeah. Yeah. God damn. Dr. Nasser. Yes. What a scumbag. Yeah.

He was like, he molested sexually abused like hundreds of girls. That's so horrible. Real piece of garbage. This was great. This is from Super Bowl week. This is a guy. His name is Alshon Jeffries and I think he played college ball at South Carolina, if I remember correctly, plays for Philadelphia.

And one of the big things about the Super Bowls you have is basically media week. There's a lot of hype around the game. So the guys have to do media day and there's just all these things around the game and he could not be less interested and you could tell that when he's being interviewed. I mean, this is just magic. I love shit like this. We were talking to Lane earlier and he said that he and the team and everybody's trying to keep this as normal of a week as possible.

But this is anything but normal. How much fun is this and how much are you enjoying this experience so far? Honestly, I think this shit is terrible. I think that we could have stayed in Philly and come on Friday or Saturday. Yeah. I love it. I love it. I'm totally honest.

Yeah, I agree. He's not doing the answer that they want you to like the NFL wants you to be like, this is great, man. I'm having so much fun. Then you wouldn't get to see Timberlake and all the other celebrities here. It's part of the experience, right? He's a normal person. He bleeds just like I bleeds.

He goes to YouTube just like I've. So I mean, he's a celebrity to you. I mean, he has something on my list to his music. I mean, he a great guy. I mean, great artist. But hey, I'm here to play football. I care less about all that other shit. I agree.

I love it. I care less about that other shit. I agreed. It's such a great answer. Did you see the temperature for game day on Sunday? We're playing indoors. If you were outside though, how would that affect it? I don't think the Super Bowl would be in the winter.

I mean, it would be here. Makes sense. They had it in the cold New York, right? I don't think the Super Bowl would be here. Fair enough. Yeah. Good for him though. He's got a point.

I mean, you see the temperature, we're playing indoors. It doesn't matter. What if you weren't? I think those hypotheticals, it's like what? But can you imagine if you guys weren't allowed to wear helmets on Sunday? Yeah. That would be crazy. I mean.

Yeah. Don't bother me. The temperature doesn't matter, dude. You know, I was thinking about these athletes and they're traveling to China and even these guys that have to play foosball. I mean, more time you can spend at home sleeping normally, eating normal food, you know, not in a hotel room where you can't sleep and they're disrupting their lives. They're not going to be in optimal shape.

The distraction, you know, the potential for distractions is the big thing. That's really what the worry is when you play, when you play in these games. That's just sad. He's right. Let me stay home. I can be with my fucking family. There's some double pipe validity questions here. Okey-dokey.

Let's see. Hey, Hitler's today at work. I had a double pipe classic for the first time in two years. I have a question about its validity. I had been chewing gum all day, which I heard acts as a laxative. So does it count if my body was getting a little help from a possible laxative? Fuck me, piss on me and beat me, John. No, chewing gum is not a laxative.

It's not. I thought he was going to say it probably contributed, and he'd be correct in assuming to maybe that burp. No, the burp. Yeah, because you're chewing and you're swallowing air. Piss on me, beat me. I think it's definitely still a double pipe. I mean, everybody who has one ate or drank and has something ahead of time.

But you can't, listen, this person is saying that they've kind of enhanced the odds of having a double pipe. And that's manipulating the score. I'm sorry. I don't agree with that. That's like saying I had a can of beans and then I drank soda and then I had a double pipe classic. Well, yeah, because you're manipulating.

No, that would definitely still count because people eat beans and drink soda all the time and it doesn't happen. Because you're still, like, the air, it's not that air is going to come out because you ate or drink. That's why you have that gas buildup. It's that they came out at the same time, if they really did burp fart same time, then you had one. Well, I mean, Tom, this is like, you know.

It's not a sneeze fart. It's like if you take steroids and you win the race, is that still going to be winning? And I think that if the double pipe classic occurs in nature, it's natural. It happens without forcing it. Your logic is really off on this. No, I think it's equivalent to using steroids too. What do you mean? The two friends.

But anything that you eat is going to affect your gas. So then you're saying, like, okay, I had tacos for lunch. Does it count? No, because you had... No, but we're talking about gaming the system. It's not gaming the system. I'm talking about purposely loading up on refried beans and purposely drinking a lot of soda to create the effect of the double pipe.

That's what I'm saying. I'm not saying you happen to have tacos. That's a different thing. I'm saying this person's saying they're forcing it. They didn't say I forced it. They said I had gum and then something happened. That's a rare event. It is a rare event and you get credit.

It is a double pipe classic. You did it, John. You did it. All right. That's what you think, you know, potato, potato. I think it should occur without interference. I just do. But wait.

So when, like, let's say he's like, I had a Coke before. Does it count? Now it doesn't count either. Like, what can be consumed? Here's what, here's what. Okay. It'll count. Okay.

Coke. Okay. Let's just say, no, no. I'll tell you why. Yes. Yes. You may, you may increase the Burbage, but you're not, it's not going to affect your fartage.

Now if you were to say, I ate a bunch of refried beans and dried apricots and then I loaded up on Coke, you're trying to game the system and a double pipe classic has to kind of happen organically. You cannot force it. You just can't. Unreal. And if you do, it's cheating. I don't think that's fair.

I don't think that's right. I would say what is, I'm going to go out and say this. I don't think you should be able to weigh in on this, but if that's your logic. I mean, you're like one of those corrupt referees that's also betting on games. Okay. Now a lot of people have been writing about last week's, would you rather, we did, would you rather all the music you listen to is the song the heat is on? The H is O.

Or all the movies you watch be Sister Act II. And now people run in. Back in the habit. Back in the habit. So if you don't mind doing the full type. Sorry. Uh, people were like, Christina, what about when the music happens in the film? Is it the heat is on?

No, those are two separate things. If you're, if you chose the only film you can watch is Sister Act II, Back in the Habit. You're entitled to all the tunes and all the music you will hear. Oh, for that movie. Oh, interesting story. And Sister Act II, Back in the Habit. It's not that you'll hear the H is O all the time. Yeah.

So, but, but they're saying if you chose the H is O as your only music, then if you're watching Sister Act II, will you hear the H is O? Oh, that's interesting. Right. Oh, then that would be, yes, sorry, sorry. So I'm, I'm fucking flipping here. Jesus Christ. Well, let's say you choose the H is O. Every form of music you hear will be the heat is

on. So you watch Sister Act II. That means you get to watch, no, but that's the thing. You get to watch whatever movie you want now. But any form of music you hear will be the heat is on. Right. So in the movie Sister Act II, they could be saying, Hallelujah Jesus, but you're going to hear the heat is on because you're the only songs you can hear are the heat is on.

You don't, I'm sorry. So you, you don't get to... I think you're confused by the question now. Wait, initially it was if you choose one or the other. Yes. Sorry, I am confused. Yeah. If you pick songs...

Okay. If you pick, I get to listen to any music I want. Right, right, right. And your only movie is Sister Act II, Back in the Habit. Okay. Yes. Then you can listen to any music you want. You only get one film.

If you pick Sister Act II... Oh, wait, sorry. Go ahead. Go ahead. Yeah. Then your only movie is Sister Act II, Back in the Habit. You can listen to any music you want after that, but you can never watch any TV or films. You only get to watch Sister Act II, Back in the Habit, and you get it in its entirety

with the way it's performed. If you pick, I don't, I'd rather have the other choice. In other words, I'd rather be able to watch any film than you only get one song. In that case, the only music you ever hear is the HSO. Okay. Right? Yeah. That's good.

Yeah. That makes sense. Does that answer the question though? Yeah. I think so. All right. Is there anything else, Gene? I don't think so.

I mean, I got to get a deli meat scale. That's right. How am I going to get my hands on one of those? We should just look on Amazon and see if it's possible. We've got to wait until it's... Using our banner. Yeah. I mean, we've got to be able to wait.

I'm going to get a glass one like that lady said. Yeah. Using our banner, your mom's house podcast on that. Yeah. Click on the banner. Home page. Where's it at? It kicks a little back to the show.

So, all right. That's it then, Gene. Yeah. That's it, mom. TomSigura.com, ChristinaP online.com, your mom's house podcast.com. Thank you as always for listening to our show. Here is a song I haven't heard yet. It's called, How Do You Not Find It Funny by Alan Bell.

Ready, Gene? Yeah. Goodbye, everybody. Bye, Gene. Bye, Gene. How do you not find it funny?