Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 436-Johnny Pemberton-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: February 21, 2018

He's tall, he's (very) young (looking) and he's coming for that title. Johnny Pemberton is in studio and you will find it SO amaze how well he can do and decipher accents.  Semen. We know it's great for your skin. Is it also super nutritious? Try it out! AND we may have found a new Burp Champ. Turn the volume WAY UP!   Show support by visiting our sponsors:  ZipRecruiter.com/house SaatvaMattress.com SquareSpace.com CODE: MOM RXBAR.com/momshouse CODE: MOMSHOUSE

Yeah, you just gotta keep working at it. Where are you going to be, Jean? Well, this week, Calusa Casino, February 23rd, one night only, one show only, and then March 30th and 31st, Herium Comedy Club in Portland. Tickets are moving really fast, so if you guys want to go get those tickets now, bros, and then I'm adding some other stuff, I'll be announcing it very soon. Music's really loud. I didn't scream over that. Sorry about that.

You know, especially with those new bell tones you got. Okay. Things really click in there. I'll be in Lexington, Kentucky. Kentucky? Yeah. I like that one. It's all sold out.

So is Columbus, Ohio. So Salt Lake. I mean, why even announce it? I know. I think it's all gone. So here's the thing. I'm going to be in Spokane, Sperm Can, Washington, May 17th through 19th, Charlotte, North Carolina, at the end of May and into June,

Mamaha, Nebraska, Brea, California, and Breast Falls Beach, Florida. Those are all at TomSquare.com slash tour. Technically, I'm not supposed to, I can't get into the details of it, but I will tell you that there is going to be a change in my schedule coming out. Oh my God. Well, I can't say anything yet because it's not official. I wouldn't say anything. But I'm saying, don't get mad at me when this happens.

Don't hate the player. Hate the game. Yeah. Because I got it. I booked a job. And like I said, So you're doing some scenes. Boy girl, girl boy.

Yeah. I got there's a boy girl girl. There's a boy boy girl. And then there's like, I don't know, there's just a couple like blow bangs. But yeah, I have to shoot those scenes. And it's going to make me have to move and lose some live dates, which whatever, I can't get into it yet. But as soon as they get official word on it, I will post about it.

And I'll, I'll talk about it on the show. Okay. I just don't have a signed deal. So, but I'm just giving the heads up that it's a. For them to emotionally. Emotionally prepare yourself. Yeah. That I got a job.

And it's at Granger. Shit. I shouldn't have said it. But it's a good job. It's a great job. Got benefits. Learning like how the warehouse is laid out and where certain things are. But yeah, that's just how it goes, Jean.

Well, I hope those people can handle it. I hope they don't get too excited. They're emotionally, emotionally troubled by this kind of stuff. There it is. Get it out and get it ready. Rup. The show is about to begin. We got a good one.

We got good guests. It's going to be fun. You ready to do this, Jean? Yeah. Let's get into it. Try it out. Try it out. Here we go.

Here we go. Here we go. My name is Tracy Kiss. And you may have seen before that I did a video called the semen facial tutorial. So I was looking into natural remedies. Part of the semen facial then led me on to looking into the benefits of digesting semen. This shit is big time. Who is Randy?

Don't bring anyone loving to this. Your mom in the fucking stand. Well, welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura. Tom Segura. Tom Segura. And Christina Pajitz.

And Christina Pajitz. Welcome to your mom's house. Look at you. Look at you scribbling. No, I don't even know you knew how to write. Okay. Okay. You know what's funny about these broads?

I feel like there's every few cycles of life. It's like it's this thing where every now and then some fucking dumb bitch thinks that she's figured out that the semen cure. Right? She's got a nice look to her. I'll give her that. Well, sure. She looks great.

She looks great. Rop. Rop. Rop. But every now and then it's like some stupid bitch gets come on her face and she's like, it's so soft. I mean, people have been doing the semen stuff for decades. They always think they're the first one to do it too.

00:05:01,920 --> 00:05:02,480 It's great. 00:05:02,480 --> 00:05:05,760 Because some guy shot a load on your tits and now you think it's medicinal. Come on. I don't know why they think that they're the first one always. You know, it does that. It's kind of silly to me that they're like, I did this.

I figured out the come thing first. Well, I mean, there's books written with recipes, natural harvest. We've covered that book in the early days of your mom's house. Oh, yeah. Semen recipes, semen drinks. We've invented come gum. Is he here already? Son of a bitch.

Do you want to get it? Yeah. Yeah. All right. I pressed up. Yeah. Like I said, too, we've also built an industry on it. Come gum.

Remember that when we wanted the middle? One of our favorite products that we took on Shark Tank. And like people didn't even see that episode. No. Apparently it broke a lot of the broadcast guidelines. But you know, we sat there with Mark Cuban and he liked it. Yeah. And we were like, you know, there's everyone likes gum.

Everyone likes guys. We're about different flavored gum with different guys' flavors in it. Yeah. And he was like, OK, what about distribution? And we got kind of caught up there. But. Well, and also the QVC lady really took a shine to it. What's her name?

She's like, I can see this come gum in every house in America. Yeah. Was that Lori? Is that her name? Yeah, Lori. She really liked it. Yeah. And they all liked the free samples we gave them.

They were all blowing bubbles. Everybody was chewing their gum and they were like, what is it? That's a Chinese guy. You know, that's a black guy. That's a Puerto Rican guy. And they have all their different jizz in their mouth. It was really, really exciting.

You know, and I remember reading a vice article on this a decade ago, whether or not the cum stuff, it works as a moisturizer or actually has nutritional value. The answer is no. No. No. And, you know, it's a placebo thing. These women think that they're, you know, doing something big.

Yeah. Rubbing jizz on their face. I think they're the first one. Yeah, it's sweet. I'm going to fluid bond with Jesse. He's still my favorite. Yeah. Those idiots.

Those fucking morons. Fluid bond. And now they're like, Jesus fucking Christ. I have cum all over my face. She's another one. Yeah. Yeah. She's another one that's like, I'm empowering myself.

I know. Some guys didn't jizz on me. I let him. I wanted it. God. It's so foul. It's so nasty. Let's see what this bitch has to say.

Have you had cum on your face accidentally before? Yeah, of course. I've laid on my back and shot it over my head and had some. But like, I'm telling you, you kind of move quick. You're like, I got to get this off. You don't find it to be medicinal or? I didn't even think. I just was like, yeah.

I always think it's gross. Of course. Yeah. Dude, I think my body fluids are gross. Oh, yeah. There's nothing I cherish. I make so much of it. That comes out.

Yeah. Oh, you do make a lot of loads. Yeah. I mean, it doesn't bother me. I mean, like your stuff does never bothers me. Yeah. But I wouldn't want to like put it on my face. Yeah, but some people do though.

I understand that. That's some people's kink. Yeah. Well, you know, maybe that's what this is being mistaken for. Yeah. It's just their kink, you know. Yeah. He loves his kink.

So let's see what she has to say. He's with her tits. It's so nice. So one teaspoon of semen, it needs over 200 proteins. Several helpful vitamins, minerals in the vitamin C. Can I tell you something? Now that I'm playing this, I think we've played this before. No, not her.

I feel like we have. No, there's just, I'm telling you, these bitches, they all think they're new. This bitch looks familiar. Yeah, but I would remember her stupid fucking, what's her on her tattoo, a cactus on her belly. 00:08:32,240 --> 00:08:32,960 Look how stupid.

I would remember that stupid as to. Something is that you can do to improve the taste of semen. Oh, God. Is to consume things. We know pineapple. Yes, we know. I mean, bitch, you're not the first one. Yeah.

It's like she just started having sex. So she's like, oh my God. I think she just knows this is going to get views. Right. Because she wore her. You put this up. Yeah. You wear that and you go talking about drink and jizz.

YouTube, you know, you're going to get crazy clicks. That's true. We need to use this as the opening, the trailer for this episode. I know, right? Yeah. Semen will vary throughout the day, whether it's in the morning or last night, how hydrated you are, the kind of diet and lifestyle

that you have. Yeah, I like her. And also, if there is a dramatic difference in the taste and texture of the semen, it could be an indication there's some undeniable health problems. Well, here's what I want to say. No, your type of semen.

Since this is, you know, she seems like she's all on board with this. Yes. I wonder if she'd try mine out. You know? Do you want to mail her? She's obviously in Australia. Is it, is she Australian or New Zealand or is she Kiwi?

Well, do you want to seal it in a jar and then send it across the world? It's like, hey, we try it out. Try it out. Let's find her. Let's find out. TracyKiss.com. She'll go, Tom, have you been eating bacon?

And I'm like, yeah. She's like, mm, high fat. Be careful. I want to trust this bitch. Well, because what if she's like, she uses your sperm to get impregnated. Oh, yeah. And then, you know, she's like.

Well, you know what I would do? I would say I have to be there to spoon feed you. You know, I'll spoon feed you. Try it out. Do it. You're so stupid. I can tell her. So for this, I'm going to be using a friend's semen.

He's absolutely fine with that. I am not involved in the extraction of the semen. I would just like to point out. I've seen it. He's brought it around to me in a bowl. Yeah. It's fairly loose. I'm done.

Yes. I tapped out. I'm done. We've played this before. OK. Well, let's not play it. I don't want to see it anymore. You know why I know?

And you don't? Because old school, I used to only see the video. Ah, yeah. I know we played it. This is nasty. Look at how little that is. I'm disappointed in blue band. You would never know this.

For not knowing our back catalog. Our entire 400 episodes of the show. But yeah, we played it. Tom, look how little that jizz is. You make so much more than that. No, she would be like holding up like a jar. And she'd be like, swigging it around. Like one of those mason jars.

She'd be like, can you believe this is one guy? Yeah. It's called Comedian Tom Segira. His culture versio, new special. Anyways, we've been, I want to get to our topics before our guest shows up. OK. You know, just catch people up on what's been happening.

Well, let's just see. Anyway, I'm going to give this a go now. I'm going to throw up. I don't want to watch her. I want to see if she gabs or not. No. Ooh, ooh. That is surprisingly salty.

No shit, bitch. She should have backed up the math. It really soaks into the tongue. What the fuck are you talking about, dummy? Stop it. That's her friend's jizz. It's all cold and it's been sitting around. My eyes are watering right now.

Nasty as hell, bitch. Dude, she's so fucking retarded for that. God damn it. Rub your balls all over that cum. Oh. I mean, it's one thing to eat it fresh out of the oven. Yeah. But to have it sitting in a fucking dixie cup, dude.

Fucking foul, man. Nasty, bitch. It kind of films the back of your throat. No shit, dummy. You can feel it kind of coating. OK. I got it. It's all being used to everything.

It's making me sick. It's making me sick, too. It's so hard to listen to her. It's not even somebody you fucking love, you idiot. Well, she's doing it for the health benefits. Nothing else. Just health. Ugh.

Anyway, we've officially turned into our parents. We started watching the Olympics. Yeah. Which I feel like is something your parents did, remember? Like back when there's five channels. And that was the biggest program. Of course. And you and I realized just how sexist we both were.

We were watching these snowboarders do all these crazy tricks. We are 100 years old. First of all, I was like, I thought all the Olympics were just a bunch of French guys skiing. How boring is that? So I never watched it. Now these fools are doing, you know, half pipe, whatever that, you know, they looks like they're skateboarding,

but on snowboards. And there are chicks, man. Yeah. And both of us are like, we're a thousand years old that we didn't know that. Hey. And that we're amazed that it's like 17 year old girls doing this. It was so awesome.

It was, we were like, these girls could do this. I felt like a thousand years old. I totally did, too. I was like, that's not a trick. At nature, these farms, I felt so old. And I, I like the winter Olympics now. I had no idea how cool it is. I know.

I just had it on in the background and, you know, and I was watching, yeah, some snowboarding stuff. And I was like, that guy is fucking crazy. And then it takes her helmet off and it's just flying. They're all blond. And she's like, I'm 16 and I'm in high school. I was like, oh my God. I know.

She's like, I'm a ball hog. I'm Christine McLeck. She did not. Christine McLickerson and I'm a ball hog. That is super disrespectful. Why? They're all ball hogs. Not in the Olympics.

These are nice girls. How could you say that about one of those girls? But they're all, they're all. Hi, I'm Peyton Lafferty and I'm a ball hog. But they're all ball hogging Sean White. He's like the hot shit there. I'm sure he's getting his nuts out for sure. I'm following him on Instagram and he's taken all the picks

with all the cute blonde skier bitches and all that. He's, this is his last one probably, right? I mean, he's probably done four or something. So he's got, if I were him, I would just be like on a nut draining mission right now. Of course. He'd be like, you know what, I fuck those for like six different countries.

I got eight more to go. I gotta do it. Like he's just trying to close the deal with every country. He's great. A great mission to accomplish. And I think he should get a medal for that. Just for busting nuts and international nuts. That's the kind of thing I could see Trump

inviting him to the White House for. He's calling him like, I heard you fucked a girl from every country. I'm going to tell you I respect the show. Yeah. He's like, thank you, Mr. President. Yeah. Yeah.

These fucking bitches are doing it, man, on these snowboards. I'm like, I'm, you know what I'm saying? No, it's incredible. God damn, they're so good. They are so good. Yeah. Mother fucker.

God damn it. It still sets me so much every time. And we were watching, they don't call it figure skating anymore. It's called ice dancing. I don't know when that fucking lame shit happened. Love that shit. Yeah.

So we were watching this as it aired. Yeah. The Frenchies. See, I thought the, I thought the back broke it. It just looks like a nip slip though. No, the back did break. Oh, it did. Because it was around her neck.

So what happened was these Frenchies, they were, they were ice dancing and her costume came down because it wasn't latched on properly around her neck. And I guess her titty popped out. I didn't even see that. We watched it live. But I, yeah, a bless Eugene, but I was thinking to myself, she's got to be so distracted by that, man.

Yeah. I mean, and, but they did a great skate, despite that. Do you think he's a great skate? Do you think he's gay? No. Do you think any of these guys ice dancing? None of the men are straight.

No, look at her. She knows. She knows. Poor girl. I feel bad for her actually, you know. Of course. My goodness. He works so hard.

How do you not have that shit like triple checked that you're going to be in the Olympics and you're like, Hey, I want to make sure my titty doesn't pop out. Well, I'm telling you, you know, when you're performing at a high stakes thing like this, you make sure everything is sewn on to you. Of course. They should have sewn that.

I don't know why someone didn't really make sure. Poor girl. Of course. She's French. So she's like, uh, manipulate. It's not too high. Yeah. Of course.

She didn't even give a shit. Probably this guy. Look at this guy. Look at that beard. I should do that with my beard. Like do it exactly like his. I think he does some nice and easy. It's real dark.

It's pretty dark. Really dark. He's totally straight. Totally straight. I can move like this. And the ass cheeks on these guys. Oh my God. Look like little end tables.

Perfect. Yeah. These guys got a rest. All your keys or wallets for days. Drink everything on that ass. Yeah. Incredible. Ice dancing.

Can we start ice dancing? You and I. I would. I wouldn't mind. I would love. Okay. Here's my proposal. You, Ari, Joe, Bert next challenge.

Figure skating. I'm sorry. Ice dancing. And I want all you guys to learn how to sow cow and twizzle. I want to see you guys and and leotards. Yeah. Be cool.

Twizzling. Let's see. Did they still end up placing or no? I don't know. Moir and what she said. It was pretty distracting. Kind of my worst nightmare. Yeah.

That's a poor girl, man. That's terrible. This is what I could do that. They stayed relatively calm. They landed them in second. Right. They got second after they skated. Did they maintain?

That's what I don't know. Because those Canadians really killed it. Maybe that is just to get into the placement thing. Oh, right, just to. Yeah, right. To compete or whatever. I don't know. But those Canadians, they really had a heart on for them.

They scored really high, those two. Gene, I just saw this thing that popped up. What's that? You know, we watch that show sometimes where that couple flips houses. Yeah. And they upgrade it. They split.

I know. I've been hearing that on us. I didn't know that. I didn't know that. Yeah. Christine Moosa. No, no. That one?

No, not that one. Oh, the one that we make fun of? Chip and. Yes. Shut up. Yeah. We called that though. You and I called this because she has total contempt for him.

Every time he fucking opens his mouth on that show. Yeah. Her eyes roll so far back into her head. Yeah, you can't even hide it. He's always like, do you love me? Oh my God. He loves her so much. Yeah, he does.

Yeah. No. They have like five kids. It's called fix her uppers, the name of the show. Fuck. And yeah. I knew it. She hates him.

Yeah, the feeling that she was already conquered. Then fix her uppers. They have so many children together. What are they thinking? A lot of kids. Yeah. I mean, he adores her, but you can tell. So I know he she fucking hates him because every time he tries to be funny and cute on the show,

like he acts like a little boy and you can see she the contempt in her. She hates his sense of humor and hates that he's childish and stuff. Yeah. Because he'll like, you know, throw a hammer through a wall and be like, oh, and just she's seething. Wait, but I'm not understanding this. This just says they're pregnant too. Oh, what? Yeah.

Are they either quitting the show or quitting the show? Oh, God. Well, no, I know, but I mean, I'm reading the thing that it says here. Who knows what this fucking means? Yeah, this is like, uh, God damn, how many kids is that? Then they're like expecting their fifth child. They need to stop any more than four is a cult.

That's not okay. Yeah. So they're not splitting. She's, she doesn't want to do the show anymore. Oh, shut up. You know what? I hate people like that. Like you've got your fucking gravy train.

Make your money, bitch. Do the show until they stop paying you. All right. Am I right? Yeah. You're lucky that you're on a show that they must make a good living now. Fuck you. Okay.

Walk away from it. You dumb dumb. That's stupidity. That's how they are. That's so stupid. Do the show until the fucking, no one wants to see you doing that stupid show. Right, babe? Oh, I don't know.

We're going to do this show until no one wants to listen to us. Talk about farting. No, it's not just about farting. I hate when people say that. Speaking of, you and I had a very in-depth discussion the other day at the breakfast table over which body functions you and I prefer the most. Right. Because you actually really enjoy your body functions.

Your sneezings. Every time you sneeze, you're like, oh, such a good sneeze. Fart, yeah. Every time you fart, you're like, oh, that's a good fart. That's a good shit. And I don't enjoy them as much as you do. I don't really, to me, it's just relief of suffering. Like when I take a shit, it's just, it's only relief.

But isn't relief of suffering enjoyment? No, it's relief and joy or two different feelings for me. Relief is like, oh God, I'm not hurting anymore. Yeah, but that could be a joyful experience to feel the relief. Oh my God. That came out of me. Oh God, it feels so good. You like that.

So what's your, let's rank your body functions. I don't know. Because sometimes I feel like after I sneeze, I feel like I just jizz. Right, you love sneezing. I don't like that head. You get that head rush, a head high, and I can almost go to sleep right after a good sneeze.

Now sometimes I sneeze, and I think it's associated with maybe a food reaction, and it'll, I'll sneeze. The sneeze feels all right, but it really fuck up my breathing. In other words, I feel like it irritated air passage, you know? So it's like air gets trapped in. I'm like, ugh, it's not as, they're different style sneezes. But if it's a pure sneeze, sunlight induced sneeze, you know? Walk outside, boom, boom, boom.

And I get a few going. I really relish that feeling. I enjoy it so much. Yeah, that's interesting. You and I are vastly different. I mean, I just want to sit there in the sun and kind of let it sit, you know? I really want to, I mean, I feel like it's almost orgasmic. I feel like body functions are just an unwelcome interruption

into whatever I'm doing. I like that. My body is a hindrance to everything I want to be doing. Sometimes a good ear cleansing with a Q tip. That's nice. I like that. I love cleaning my ears. Burps sometimes.

See, I was going to say now you're not like you're already on board again. Well, the thing is I like burps. I feel like burps are fun. They create joy for other people. You can compete. You can challenge yourself and get good at them. You know what I mean? Like I like those.

Yeah. But everything else about my body is just an inconvenience. You never enjoyed the feeling of a sneeze. I don't enjoy it. No, I get scared because I'm losing control. I don't like it. I don't like that after kind of buzz from a sneeze. You know what I'm talking about?

No. Do you even know what I'm saying though? No. Really? I don't relish my body functions. No, no, no. I'm not asking if you don't relish. I'm saying, do you ever get, have a sneeze?

Yeah. And you feel kind of lightheaded after a sneeze? No. Never. I mean, I don't think so. I don't, I don't notice it. I don't care. That's the thing.

I'm not paying attention. Okay. I'm just asking you if like you have the same experience. I don't. I'm telling you that I just get through it so that I can get on to the next thing. Like I'm not even thinking about how that sneeze is inconvenience.

It took a second out of my life. God, you're no fun. I am no fun. I have no joy, which is things like that. I don't care. You're definitely farting. You're always doing that. I like farting.

I like farting and burping. Okay. So you enjoy a couple of boxes? Because they're loud and they interrupt things. Okay. Yeah. I mean, you're making it sound like you're like, I'm not on board with any of this.

And then two minutes later, you're like, I'm actually pretty into these two things. You know what I mean? Yeah. Well, I mean, I guess, I guess what you and I have different. I don't know. You're saying that you think that I enjoy them more. Yeah.

I feel like you really savor a sneeze. Are you savor the shit? And I just don't, I, to me, those are two things that I just want to get over with so that I can move on to the next. Yeah. But a burp is kind of welcomed because it's fun. Everyone's going to like it.

I don't know if everyone's going to like it. It's going to make my, you know, it'll upset my mom. Like those kind of thoughts, it's good feelings. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Hey, same strokes for everybody, Tom. Everyone's the same.

Everyone's the same. Everyone's the same. Fart. Yeah. Um, okay. I have to say that I do enjoy pretty much all of them. Yeah. I also enjoy like a nice long piss, you know?

Yeah. But I mean, it's relief associated too. See, that's, that's, but that's the difference for me. I think the relief association, because I'm in, you're in torture. And then I don't find relief to be the same as the joy of a burp. Yeah. Because a burp is there's, you know, it's just fun. It's frivolous.

Yeah. Just like a fart. A fart's just for, it's just there to say hi. Yeah. I mean, it's okay. You say hi with your fart. Oh yeah. You say hi.

Okay. It's fine. Okay. And there you go. There it is. That's... What? I'm just thinking about it, you know?

I feel like I enjoy all the bodily functions. I know you do. I'll enjoy picking my nose. I do like picking my nose. Now you're another one that you're into. But is that a body function or something gross you do? It's kind of, it's kind of necessary at times. I like some hygiene things.

I do like cleaning my ears and I do like picking my nose a lot. Okay. Yeah. I like pooping. So do you. Yeah. Well, I like talking. Hardening.

You like, you like it. Burping. You also like it. You don't realize how much in on the same thing you're, you really are. I know. I just feel like you're, but I'm saying that your level of enjoyment is higher than my. I express the enjoyment more. Yeah.

I don't know. I don't. But see, I think you still enjoy it. You just don't express it. Yeah, babe. I don't feel a lot of things. We know this. This is why we're comedians.

Not, I don't, I don't feel or take joy. No, but joy is a feeling. I'm not comfortable with feelings. You know that. I've been in therapy for 10 years. Okay. That's not, that's not going to happen. I don't, I don't have the same sensitivity to things.

Well, this is so off the mark on this. It's enjoying a feeling you're saying. I just said expressing. I didn't say enjoying. Oh, oh yeah. No. You enjoy it. You're just not expressing it.

I guess you're expressing it now. You're like, oh, I do like it. Right. So you do enjoy it. You just don't express it as much in the moment. I guess. But I don't, I don't enjoy. Just needs here.

Let me get it. I don't enjoy sneezing. Okay. We press pause with pause. And now we're back. That's no good. Still blocking. Oh, it's blocking you.

There you go. We have to see my tits. Big fucking tits. Sorry. You're good. Sorry, Johnny. And our guests, Johnny Pemberton is here. It's actually Pepperton.

Sorry. Johnny Pepperton is here. I have come all over my face. That's how I feel now that I said it wrong. It's actually Pemberton. You were right. God damn it. Stop fucking with me, man.

Sorry. He's from the great state of Minna, Wisconsin. And he, are you from the greater? The greater what? The greater state? No, from Rochester. It's like a, it's like a medium sized town. I already know about the Mayo Clinic.

You fucking show off. There you go. That's it. It's all we've got. It's a Mayo Clinic. You have premium health care. I mean, it's not premium. It's above premium.

It's like diamond. Yeah. It's diamond. I'm a diamond platinum. Did you ever go just to be like, Hey, I got a cold. You can see what they could do. My dad was a doctor. So what?

Yeah. He's sorry. He still works there. He still works there. Dr. Pemberton. Dr. Pemberton. Is that good or bad growing up with a dad doctor? I don't know.

I think it's kind of depends. My dad was a surgeon, so surgeons are basically completely not helpful for anything at all. Like if I ask, if I say something like, I have a cold, but that's like, I don't know. Just take this, try, just nothing. There's no, unless it can be fixed with a knife, it's something you can't fix.

What is his specialty as a surgeon? He's a colon rectal surgeon. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah. Yeah. That's what he says to the shit. Yikes. So he does a lot of removing your butt,

like making your, you know, what your shit come through your side, whatever it is. Well, he does a lot of stuff. Yeah. Well, he like put me installing a stoma or like an ilial anal anastomosis. Yeah. Shit.

The shit is right. I read this book about sociopaths and said it was a. This is a cool segue. I want to see where this is going. Disproportionate, higher number of surgeons have that are so sick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess I can see that.

Not that obviously they all are, but just like some of the guys were like. It's kind of a good job for a sociopath because you can totally emotionally. He died. Yeah. So what? We weren't up for lunch.

Well, maybe it makes you a sociopath because you have to be that way. Because if you don't, if you have like an attachment to your patients and your surgeon, it's like, you wouldn't be able to handle that shit. Yeah. That's true.

No, dude. No, you'd be weeping all the time. Oh yeah. Yeah. I don't know how. I mean, I don't know how they do it. Period. Whether or not they're sociopaths.

It's got to be hard. I've seen an operation once and it was something where there's a back when they still allowed that, like allowed family just to watch an operation. Now they don't allow that shit anymore. It's like it's really locked down. Like it's a lot of administration there.

But when you see it, it doesn't seem gross at all. There's like a real disconnect between. If you watch someone getting, having surgery at home on TV, it's 10 times more gross and makes you more squeamish than if you were just there

because you were there. It's kind of like, it's normal. I went and watched a bunch of surgeries one day at the Mayo Clinic in Jacksonville. Are you serious? Yeah. Why? My uncle worked at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester.

He did? What's his last name? Segura. Okay. And he, so I told, I had the bright idea that I wanted to be a doctor when I was like. Oh, this is a while ago.

Okay. Yeah. This is before the ban. Yeah. Yeah. This is like. Pre ban. Pre ban.

So this is like, you know, I was in eighth grade, ninth grade and I'm like, I want to be a doctor. So I call my, I tell my dad, my dad calls his brother and he arranges me to go to the Mayo Clinic

in Jacksonville. Right. Which is like, you know, the sister. I've been there. Yeah. I've had my, I've had a, my ass looked at there. There?

Really? Yeah. You're who the son of the colon surgeon. It's highly ironic. I have, I've actually had, had colitis. Oh, wow. Yeah.

Yeah. I had my colon removed too. So. Why? Really? Yeah. I know. It's nuts.

So I was a long time ago. I was about 17, maybe 17 years ago or so. That sounds so rare. Right? I guess so. Yeah. It's super rare and weird, but it's also just,

I don't know. The irony too. The irony is incredible. It's really deep. It's really strange. He had like a friend do it basically. It was weird because I knew everyone has to,

in his department, right? Like I, because we grew up together and like had the, the CNRS picnic, which stands for a colon rectal surgery picnic that you never put on a sign because no one wants to go to the

colon rectal surgery picnic. Yeah. So yeah, I knew all his friends. Was that terrifying? I guess so. I mean, I was, I was sick for a long time though. So it wasn't like something where

it was more like a relief kind of thing. Yeah. I don't know. Something about surgery, it's so overwhelming that. Is it like what he kind of, because he's so knowledgeable in that particular field,

was it like more comforting that he's like telling you the ins and outs of what's going to happen? Like as far as the surgery went? Yeah. Or like how it's going to go. Like, because I mean, he obviously is really well versed.

Yeah. Like most dads would be like, that's all right, buddy. You know, kind of in there. I don't know. I'm trying to think. I don't remember it that well in terms of that stuff.

I think he said some stuff. What happened when your colon's removed? I don't even fucking know. Well, you have, when you want the full download. Okay. Okay. What happens is you have,

well from my case at least, they were able to do something where they basically reroute it back through your asshole again. But there's two surgeries. The first surgery, they take the colon out and they establish,

you have like a stoma. You have like a, you know, you poop out of your abdomen. 00:32:17,440 --> 00:32:18,160 Yeah. Because everything has to heal up. What they do is they take the ending

of your small intestine and they make something called a J pouch because it's the shape of a J. And that is your new sort of like rectum. Like your rectum, everything's rectum is actually your anus, but your rectum is technically like, sort of like the loading dock

to the last part of the colon. So they basically make that out of the ending of your small intestine. But as it heals up, they can't have shit going through it. So they, you have the bag, had it clasped me back

for maybe about 10 weeks or so. Oh my God. Yeah. And it sucks. But it's also one of those things where there's people who had their entire life have that thing. Yes, oh yes.

I just had it temporarily. And I, um... Then you go back in for a second surgery. Yeah. And the second one's not as bad. And they reconnect everything. And then, you know, when you wake up,

they're like, once your bowels wake up, because your bowels will go to sleep. If they get touched, it sounds so weird. But if you touch your bowels, like if you were somehow to able to go inside your abdomen

and touch your bowels, they just go, they just stop. They stop working for like 24 hours. So it's like a... What? It's like a defense mechanism against in case you get

like a bowel perforation or something like that. Wow. Isn't that fascinating? Dude, I'm so fascinated. For a while. I mean, so, so does your asshole go dormant

when it's like not... My asshole? Yeah. Or like anyone's who has the rerouting. In other words, it's like... Well, no, I mean, I don't have, I mean, it's, it's fully functional now.

No, no, I'm saying when this... Oh, yeah. So it's like, there's no use to it. Well, mucus still comes out. So you still like shit every once in a while. You're like,

what's that feeling? You have to shit. And it feels really weird the first time you do it. It's just like, because your body produces fluids in any sort of negative space. And you got to get them out.

So you, you shit out like some mucus. It's like I'm so fascinated and like, so uncomfortable. Yeah, it's a weird thing. It is, it's terrible. Like the colostomy bag is one of those things that is a...

It's the worst thing, but it's also kind of deeply fascinating because it's so fucking bad. It's so terrible. It's like this thing where like I had, the crazy thing about colostomy bag is that the waste that comes out,

it's not like regular shit. Why? Wait. It's worse. Wait, can I... Really? Do you feel it like, oh, I'm going to shit

and then it goes out of the colostomy bag? You don't even know. It's all... You're just talking to your friend. Who's there? You're like a little, sometimes you're like a little gurgling or maybe nothing at all.

But either way, it's kind of... Wait, what does it look like again? So you're saying it's not... What does it look like? It's not regular shit, you said. It's something else. Well, it's sort of like... I always liken it to,

if you went to a sausage factory and walked in before they were finished making it, it's like, this is the worst part. It's worse than what they start with and it's obviously worse than the ending because you're like interrupting a natural process. And so it's like, we're not done yet. It's fucking terrible.

It's like, yeah. I mean, it's something where... If you could have... If you could bottle that, you could clear out... You could clear our space out pretty quickly. Jesus Christ. You probably...

If you brought on an airplane, it was they have to land. They have to. I feel like maybe, maybe. Well, yeah, because they just did it this week. They... Somebody was farting. And they landed. No way, are you serious?

Yeah, it was a big... They landed a plane because someone was farting. Well, he refused to stop. It wasn't about the farting. How could you stop farting? Well, he was asked to stop by other passengers and then a fight broke out over it and then they landed the plane.

Oh, so it's the fight. It was the fight. It was the fart that broke the wind. They literally broke the... It was pretty bad. Oh. Yeah, it was a pretty bad fart. It was what's being reported.

Jesus. Man. Wait, so I was telling you, though... You went and saw surgeries. I witnessed like... You saw surgeries. I saw many surgeries. You saw many surgeries.

And I saw they were all in the... Like urinary tract. Okay. Come on. So I basically had... I watched like this. The first one was this 80-some-year-old woman that had a cyst the size of a golf ball.

Oh, that's not very big, really. No, no, no. Sorry. Softball. Softball, okay. There you go. Now I'm impressed. And then they were like, this is a record setter. So they brought in cameras. And then the guy, the surgeon was like, hey, just don't say anything.

To her? No, don't be like... Like you're supposed to be gross. It's like she's awake. And I was like, okay, okay. Oh, she's awake. Yeah. That's weird.

Yeah, she was awake. It was gnarly. And then I kept, you know, went to the next one, the next one, the next... It was a full day of it. Damn. I was like, I don't know, man. I don't know if I could do this, actually.

Yeah, it would be hard, I think. I wouldn't let that happen. If I were awake and some punk-ass kids were in there as my pussy was getting operated on. But it's a teaching hospital. They ask you, they're like, hey. So we want, we're so good because we let people... We got to watch.

And so we let him watch so he can be good. Absolutely not. Go fuck yourself. I guess for a pussy surge, I would say no. Yeah, it's bad enough when you give birth and I was pushing my son out, Ellis, and they had a shift change. So like four nurses changed

as I was pushing out my son. That's fine. I don't know if they're related. So eight people get to see my post right now, blasted. But can I ask you, since these many years that this has happened, everything is cool now? Essentially. I mean, it's never going to be like,

as cool as like a dude who takes a big dump once a day kind of thing. I always think of like some old dude who's really sweaty on a golf course. You know, I got to go take a dig, boys. Takes like some giant fucking ropey thing that has been sitting in there for a week after a steakhouse visit.

Yeah. Yeah, no, I'll never have that. But I guess it's... Do you still watch what you eat? Yeah, I kind of like religiously do it, but it's not, I don't think about it. I'm just like, I know... Automatic.

What can't you eat? Like what's the diet? Yeah, what triggers things that are bad? I mean, anything that's greasy or... I mean, for me, my favorite thing that... I love buffalo wings, but when I eat them, it's like this thing where I mean, they're hurting myself because I've done something wrong

and I need to be punished or I'm like, okay, so I know there's going to be hell to pay for this, but it's going to taste really good right now. But 10 hours from now, I'm going to wake up and I'm going to be having extreme hot exits at 4 a.m. where it's like... Yeah, it's going to hurt. Because it's like what happens is I think with the spice,

a lot of times the spices get broken down the longer your intestines are, so mine are shorter, so I don't get a chance to get broken down as much so when they leave... Oh, that makes sense. They've still got their fucking swords on, so it's so hot.

Because you need that real estate to really work to get the nutrition out of your poops. Yeah. You know. Tony, what are the advantages and disadvantages of looking eternally 16? Like give us some of the... Well, I'd say advantages is having people

talk down to you constantly, having consistent customer service problems because you're treated like a child in a first-timer for anything you possibly do, even though you're older than the person carding you guaranteed. Basically, I would say that that's where the upside is. Just consistently being treated as though you have...

It's your first day on earth, sort of like, you know... That's a layer. I never thought of that, that they're like... Young man, just why don't you relax? And you're like, I'm fucking... Yeah, I... Gosh. But sometimes it is good

because I feel like people won't be mean to me. Oh, yeah. Like I can get away with a lot of... I can get away with a lot of shit. You know what I can get away with is being an idiot. Yeah. So I can plead... Like if I'm on an airport,

a lot of times I will steal a bottle of water because I don't want to pay for a bottle of water because I feel like... Because it's like a multinational corporation selling it. They're not losing anything from it. Where do you steal it from? Depends.

Like if you're in line at Starbucks or something like that. Eat it, eat it, eat it. Just grab it, just hold it. And if you pretend it's yours, it's yours. Right. You know what I mean? And so...

And let's just say I were to take like 15 bottles of water Yeah. And walk away. And someone were to actually say, excuse me, sir? Sir, I would just turn around and go, oh, I'm sorry. I didn't...

I didn't pay for these. I'm sorry, I'm so confused. I'm just really tired. I don't think there would be nothing would happen. Innocence. They have like an innocence. Yeah. Because I just sort of from...

I'm just lying. You could just turn around and just look wide on. I just feel like... What? What? What? Oh, these are... Oh, I thought these were mine.

Did my dad get these? Yeah. And they're like, oh, it's okay. It's okay. It's okay. Don't get upset. Sometimes. But I don't want to...

You do that, that off thing. Because it's kind of like a weird thing where... It's like that whole abyss-stairs-back sort of thing where I feel like anytime you live in something that's a certain way... Like, if you're an actor and you play a character, you can say it's a character all you want, but it's going to become your life,

become part of your life. So... Yeah. I guess it's got to be an advantage and disadvantage at times with your acting, too. Yeah, it's both, I guess. Because you're cast probably because of it. Right.

And you're going to be not considered because of it. I guess. I mean, I don't really play... I mean, you said 16, but I don't play a 16. Well, you know how to exaggerate. I know you're exaggerating. You're a comedian, right? Yeah.

You know, sometimes I exaggerate and indulge. Really? You? I mean, everyone... That's weird. I mean, I just take everything I hear at face value. And I assume that everything anyone says is like, oh, they mean that completely.

100% literally. There's no such thing as satire or like hyperbole. No hyperbole, no irony. I don't know. Nothing sarcasm doesn't exist. None of it. No. Yep, it's good.

Sounds like you get it. Yeah, man. I'm just, you know, what I see is what I believe. And that's just... I'm just... I'm just reading the papers. Now, Jean, did you know that a new case has been brought to our attention? Of?

Of foreign accent syndrome? No. I have not actually heard my voice in conversation for nearly three years now. This was sent to... That's the original that became also popular on this show. Yeah. And then I actually did a bit about it on my latest Netflix special. I talked about foreign accent syndrome.

And because of that, I started getting a lot of messages from people about it. And then it was in the news last week and it was sent to us many, many... Very exciting. Now, Johnny, are you familiar with this? I am familiar with this. And I still can't believe it's a real thing. I feel like it's got to be some sort of a brain trauma or something. Yes.

I can't believe she's dressed like Minnie Mouse. Look at her. Yeah. That's perfect. Everyone only sees Mary Poppins. Oh, he is Mary Poppins. Not a British nanny. This former Texas beauty queen has never left the U.S.

Who would do this for attention? I don't know. Three times, Michelle Myers has gone to sleep with blinding headaches, waking up with different accents. Irish, Australian, and British for the past couple of years. They send in a psychiatrist at the hospital. You know, they make sure you're not alone. Not crazy, not faking it.

She was diagnosed with foreign accent syndrome, a rare condition that usually accompanies a stroke, neurological damage, or underlying health issue. It's kind of funny to me that we picked this up on the other one, is that it's not just an accent, but then their grammar. The word, yeah. At hospital. Make sure you're not alone.

We don't say, you know. No, but that's just... I mean, I'm sorry, but that also kind of whatever speaks to the authenticity of foreign accent syndrome. 00:43:35,120 --> 00:43:37,280 They can pick up the grammatical... But you're going to pick up colloquialisms? Yeah.

Yeah, see, that to me, that means something different than just the way you're speaking. It has to be learned. Yeah, because if I... How does she know that? Like the Chinese accent, she would say grammatically incorrect things. Right. She was speaking English as though she were like a Chinese person learning.

Learning English. I have one not to actually... I'm talking about, thank you. Yeah, for you. For you now. She didn't speak English like that. That's right. Now, I wondered to native speakers, whatever, does it sound proper?

Like, is her accent good? I'm going to say no. Is a person who likes accents a lot, like to an annoying degree? Yeah. I'm calling no on that one. Really? Yeah. I would have to say, as somebody who also enjoys accents,

it doesn't feel like she's nailing it. Like which part of England is she from? She sounds like she's from like a sort of a semi-posh area of the Midlands or London. Wow, specific, Johnny. Well, because she's not doing like the whole like, oh, from North London, mate. From fucking North London, all right.

That's how we do it here. Fuck off. That's good. So do it from North London. Oh, we got these people who live in like where John Snow is from. I did a movie, this girl who is from there. It's like, God, their accents. It's so annoying kind of.

It's like, God, I can't even think of... Oh, mom's here for a while. Are we going to go there? Oh, great to be here with you. It's like this weird mixture of Scottish and Irish and... Is that accent considered the one you just did, like a lower class? I think it depends.

More blue collar. The posh... That depends, I think, I don't think so, because that's more of a regional one. I can't think of what they call it. Well, we have a master of accents. We can do it next. Wait. Oh, good.

Wait, John, I want to ask you this. So we were watching that movie about Winston Churchill last night, and I noticed either of the royals, they speak in the very... They speak highest hail. I'm good at show, too. Yeah. And it's standing. Yeah.

Shut up, John. Yeah. Now, I noticed that sometimes they don't... They don't do their Rs, right? They go, uh... The Weber or whatever. That's because you're allowed to have a lisp there. It's not considered a speech impediment.

Is it still like that, or was that a do-it-it? Yeah, it still is. There's this talk show host named Graham... I think it's Graham Norton. Yeah. He's a full-on lisp, and he's like... I think it's Graham Norton. There's definitely a guy on TV in the UK who has a lisp,

and it's just... That's considered just how you talk. Yeah, because I remember that TV show... Do you remember the young ones? I don't know if you ever saw them. Yeah. They used to make fun of that. Vivian.

Some guy would always do it. 00:46:15,440 --> 00:46:17,280 Like, it was a posh thing to do. I'm like, oh, that makes sense. Maybe it is. Maybe it's posh because you can get away with it. It's like, I'm so rich, I don't have to change the way I speak or something. Yeah.

That could be it. Let's see if any of her British... Sherwoods. Comes through more here. When I was a kid, I used to always go to my mom and say, my bones hurt. The stack of medical papers says Michelle also has Ehlers-Danlos syndrome.

It causes bruising and painful joints. And best her doctors can tell, it turned her British. Turned her British. It turned her British. I would love that to be the result of something that happened to me. Let's see what she used to sound like. These are always fascinating. Yeah.

Looking back at how she used to be is difficult. Today, I want to encourage you. So what do you think when you hear that? I'm sad. Why does it make you sad? I guess you still have it in your head. I feel like a different person. Can I say something?

I feel like it's like a personality thing. She was standing in front of a massive weed plant in that previous video. Was she really? Yeah. I'm pretty sure that was. If it wasn't, it was like, huh? Right? Oh yeah.

So... Oh my God. You're right. What about that? She's standing in front of a... That is. Tandem food ganja plant. We just have a big druggy problem here, I think.

I think she just smoked a bunch of weed. She's in the hole. I'm watching too much. She got so high, she's like, yeah. She's not watching too much down in Abbey. That's the problem. Maybe in Abbey. That's what happens to me if I watch that stuff.

Maybe in Maui. Maui, yeah, the Maui. What's that show that came out on Netflix? The Cloud. The one that gets me all the time is like the little cowboy movies when they have the Southern accent. I just want to live in that. I watched that one.

Really? The old Southern, the Cowboys, American. We've got to get on down here before you... If you don't find a way out of here, we look from hell to breakfast and ain't found nothing but dust and tumbleweeds all out of here. All the heck. It sounds like a lot of fun to play that stuff. It's just, I would love to just wake up.

I would love to have that. To wake up and be like, hell, I don't know. I grew up minutes old in Earthlander. This is how I am. Y'all want to get some beer. I'm sick and tired of drinking water today. It's Thursday. I just plumb sick of it.

Plumb, man. That is how they talk. It'd be great if it wasn't just an accent. It was like a different time period. Like you have an accent from the 1920s in Texas. Those Southern expressions are the best, too. It's the greatest. It's the absolute greatest thing ever.

Like some of those sweeter than plum juice and all that shit. Like you're like, who comes up with this shit? But it's all in the lexicon down there. We got... You can come on in, but it's cash on the barrel head here, son. We don't take credit or check. It's cash on the barrel head or you walk. You can come loaded to bear, but we're going to turn you out.

Wow. I just think about it a lot. It's like a brain massage, almost. I feel like... Were you an only child? No. A lot of time ago. First child.

Same thing almost sometimes. I remember this Southern dude told me. He's like, you know, my daddy told me one time. He said, no, my dad said, if you call me daddy, one more time, boys. Me the last time he was coming to your mouth. I was about seven years old. Jesus Christ.

What? And I didn't even understand what he was saying. I don't understand what he's saying. Why would he got mad at you? He's like, I got to the age where you don't say daddy no more. Seven. Seven. I was like, so he was saying, he's like, you said you're going to whip me down the white meat.

The white meat. Whip me down the white meat? Jesus Christ. If I say daddy one more time, he's like, boy, you don't say daddy no more. I was like, okay, man. Boy, you don't say daddy no more. I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, you know, which one I liked, this guy from Tennessee used to say, two tears in the bucket, fuck it.

Oh my God. That's good. Yeah, I like that one. Wow. I knew a guy, an engineer in Minnesota who would smoke a cigarette and three drags, never wore a jacket all winter, and he had some crazy expressions. He was really into tractor pulling. He'd be like, oh, yeah, oh, going on there.

Or he'd say, it's like, oh, you couldn't catch me five ways a Friday on that thing. Five ways a Friday. What are you talking about, man? His name was Dale. Dale. Dale had a lot of tractor pulling magazines in the shitter. I loved that expression. I heard it from a Canadian first when he said, buddy, he looks like 10 pounds of shit in a

five pound bag. I like that. I've never heard that. 00:50:46,320 --> 00:50:48,480 Well, I was like, I don't know, I don't know. I like that. I've never heard that. Yeah.

Well, I was like, that is a great descriptor. That was a shit. But Canadians, the same thing as Minnesota. Yeah. Pretty close. Close enough. Close enough. Here's the last one.

Hold on. Let's see. But her outlook is sunny. Um, what? What is? But wondering if the sound of her voice. Why am I talking like this? Will ever change again.

What was that? I don't know. That was psychedelic and weird. That was so weird. Tim and Eric. It turned her British. That's the best part of that whole thing. That is just silly.

It turned her British. No, not really. Well, if that's it, that'd be a cool way to wake up as you talk like you're introducing a segment. There's something I just can't find. It's parking. We're here and we just can't seem to find a way out of the store. Excuse me.

Do you know where they keep air freshener? He couldn't answer the question. It was being spoken to them as though they didn't know. If you don't take that on stage, you're an ass. Yeah, that's really funny. Okay, it's mine. I just got it and it's mine now. Thank you.

I just thought of a great, would you rather for Johnny? What's that? Okay, would you rather talk in that exact, uh, the TV show? Newscaster voice. Newscaster announcement. The Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC. Yeah. You have to talk like that to your wife to,

when you go on stage to do your act, everything is in that. In life. In life. In life. All of life. And you can't tell people why, because it's a would you rather, or would you rather shout everything?

Definitely shout. I think so. Like a shout or scream. Shoutings different than screaming, right? Yeah, I kind of is. Yeah. Because there's people who do live, they're shouters. People who are like, I'm loud.

That's true. Like having a sleepover. What? Yeah. Yeah, my sisters are shouters. Yeah, they are. God. Well, I'm going to say screamer.

And I was like, so that and people and other kids. Oh my God. You're doing worse. Do you mind keeping it down? I can't handle that at all. Why don't you keep it down? Yeah. And belligerent.

We, no, Tom and I are low talkers. That's why we're married, because we can practically whisper to each other. That's true. I'm a low talker too. I don't like having loud conversations. I can't stand. It's almost like, I feel like it's like a fault where I can't,

if I can't have a conversation in a place where I'm not being overheard, I may not be able to take that call. Yeah. I'm in a place like I'm get so like, I don't want to be. There's a girl we used to know who lived across the street from us and we lived on town years ago. And she would be watching a movie in our apartment, right? She'd take a phone call sitting in the middle of the couch

during the movie. No. Like Lolly. And just so totally oblivious. No. How are you? How do you do that? I don't know.

It's one of those things where I wish I could understand that perspective. I always make me crazy. This is all, everything's back to childhood where I would watch, be watching a movie and I'm just like focused on the television, watching it. And my sister would just walk in the room and be like, hey Tommy, do you want to go later on to the, over to the

park with it? And I'd be like, you know, like my hand and be like, she's like, hey, hello. And I'm like, dude, can you see that I'm watching something? Right. And she'd be like, so do you want to go or not? I'm like, hold on. I gotta stop this.

I gotta rewind it. Like, why would you disrespect, you know, like, why would you just say, like, hey, can I ask you something? Right. Just always like, right into it. It would make me crazy, man. Make me fucking crazy. I don't think I actually took a nap in my life until I went

to college. Yeah. Because I'm so used to my mom always like checking on like, oh, what's going on? What's going on there? What's going on? And when I had it, I could actually lay down and not be disturbed.

I was like, holy shit. Yeah. I can take it. I can never, never take a nap before that. At the same thing, by the way, my siblings would do on phone, like, I'm on the phone holding up. I'm like, yeah. So I guess later, and they would just be like, Tommy,

do you want to go? I'm like, Tommy, I'm like, I'm on the phone. Like, you don't see that I'm on the phone. Yeah. Yeah. I'm asking you something. Like, why wouldn't you be like, oh, I'll wait until he's done talking on the phone.

Yes, it's good. I was ignored most of my childhood. I'll do that. Totally alone. Nuts. I took naps all the time. Still makes me nuts. Really?

He talks to me when I'm on the phone. Oh, yeah. Naps. You know what I hate? It's people that take cell phone conversations on speakerphone, like in the airport, at least today. Those people are psychotic. If that ever happens, if I ever see that, I immediately go,

oh, I'm involved in this, too. Everyone is. I just walk up and be like, oh, I just love, I love, like, just walking up as close as I can and just joining in. Yeah. I actually know, Jim, we thought that that wasn't going to work because they, the deliverables aren't ready. So you guys are like, what the fuck?

Oh, yeah. It's you, man. It's you. And it's always that conversation. It's never anything interesting. You know, it's never like, should I break up with him? I don't know. Let's take her off of life support.

I don't know. It's like. I found this video on my phone. We were going through my phone the other day, and it's me at the airport. Remember taking, I'm in the Dallas airport, and I'm looking at the screen. I'm like, what is this?

And it's because it's old. It's from like a year and a half ago. And I'm taking a leak. And then like you, you just hear a loud guy, the guy's taking a business call. In the shitter. In the shitter. Always.

And then like, he's like, well, we'll arrive on Tuesday. And if we don't have those, the P 16s, then Wednesday at the latest. And then you hear like, fart, flush, sink. He's like, absolutely, absolutely. No, I mean, we want to get it to you guys, you know? I'm sitting there just making a video because I'm like, how crazy is this guy?

What is he working to? He would just now look, I feel like you might be able to take my title on this. It's not, but I didn't expect this, but I feel like you're so good at this that it might actually happen. We don't know. We'll see.

Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Segura, master of accents. All right, Johnny Pemberton here for the title. We didn't know it was going to happen, but here it is, master of accents. What's going on with this man from Liverpool? These are monkeys. These are goddamn monkeys. I'll tell you what's happening here.

Yeah. These are brothers, pride twins, and they just mumble like hell. You didn't park the bus. You didn't park the bus. You played great football. Great football. You just celebrate, and like you just won the world cup

because you drew around, Phil. You're fucking around here. I felt like I was standing, playing all the way around. There's a few words in our language that I picked up on, but not that many. Jesus Christ. God damn it. I know it's really, really thick.

Let's see. I'll see if I can, I'll see if I can do this. So, all right. Here is the email. Hey, I'm a fan from the UK. I found the ultimate challenge for the renowned water champion master of accents.

Previously on the live episode, you listened to someone from my home city of Liverpool and thought they were Scottish. However, these two brothers make that guy sound like the queen. Just for the record, their accents are abnormally strong. They sound ridiculous even to me. Add to that, they also sound like they've been drinking imagine it incomprehensible for anyone outside of Liverpool.

So, know that they in no way reflect all of us, but that's what made me laugh. Much loved Danny. So, let's even, I want to see, I have the advantage of having the transcript with me. So, let's see, because I'll just throw in the towel bag. I don't know what the fuck these guys are saying. I don't know what they're talking about.

Let's see if you can get what these, the first two lines are to each other. In other words, the line that the first guy says, and then the reply back. Okay, let's see what if you can get it. Okay. 00:59:02,000 --> 00:59:03,120 That is crazy.

Okay. I actually, seeing it in front of me, I'm like, wow, but... They won't join. Do you know what they're saying? I have an idea. You have an idea. This is just always the case. Anyone from...

It sucks that there's a music bed, because it would be better without it. They're talking about football. That's true. Talking about football, I think he was saying something about his playing, and I'm pretty sure that's what's going on. Or if it's not that, they're talking about a footballer. Okay, you're pretty close.

Okay. I mean, you're definitely in the right field. Do you have a guess, Gene? He's talking shit to him. He's like, you're not shit. And it's either about, maybe he can't drink enough. He's a pussy with drinking or something like that. No, it's actually your ideas together.

He's saying he sucks at football. He's saying that his team, I believe. That team's on financial terms. So the first guy says, so how do you reckon we're going to get on that, is the first thing said. And then the reply is, obviously, yous aren't going to win. We're going to beat yous or draw and get a replay at our ground.

Never would have. Okay, now you know. With my life to come. Okay, I'm ready. Now that you know, you'll hear it all. So that's how we're going to get on that. Obviously, we're not going to win. We're going to beat yous or draw and get a replay at our ground.

Wow. Yeah. No. That's fucking amazing. I still don't hear it, actually. I'm having to really struggle. And then the next, here's the next exchange. It's mumbling too.

Here's the next one. Which is very long. Because we don't have a last game. Five, two, we should go. It's also making a tea. If I'm using the sink in my house and Britt talks to me, like, oh, I have no idea what you said. If you could be right next to me.

Sinks on? I don't hear a God in thing. That's what this is. This is a sink problem. This is a sink problem. This is a sink issue. I have the same issue with our shower. She'll be like, Tom.

And I'm like, yeah. And then she's like, nothing. And I hear just the water coming down. You have the same issue if you're doing anything other than just listening. I don't hear you. You don't hear me when you're doing anything other than listening.

When you're frying bacon, you don't hear me. When you're writing. That is a skill. That right there is a skill that I developed. My man. That's a skill. I developed that at home because my mom talks constantly. I have two younger sisters, a younger brother.

It's just a constant influx of eh, eh, eh, eh, eh. And so I learned to just shut it down. You gotta shut it down. So what happened was I developed this skill. Is he at the same house? I have my home growing up. And then it's just, I can't break it. The other one that I can't break.

I don't even try to do this, but I swear to you. It is a fail proof is that if I'm reading something, I don't hear anything. I don't hear a thing. Yeah. Sometimes I'm that way. I'll be reading it. And she'll be like, so, and I'm like, so what?

She goes, did you hear anything I just said? And I'm like, no, you can't do more than one thing at a time. I mean, really, if you're reading, you should not be able to hear anything. Right. If you're actually come comprehending what you're reading, you probably didn't really hear anything. Yeah.

Um, but this, this accent though is really crazy. That might be that. I mean, I think this guy's right. This might be the craziest one that I've ever played. This one's really bad. You didn't park the bus. You played great for four. Great for four.

You just celebrate and like, you just won the world cup because you drew it on field. You're just celebrating, mate, because you just won the world cup. You're celebrating like you won the world cup. You won the world cup. You're gay for play. So you're gay for play.

You want to get puffed on there and you're gay for play and you want to suck it all the way. You want to just suck his on me and now I'm a gay for play boy. I think I said something like that. I'm gay for play. I'm gay for play. You're gay for play.

You want to do suck his on me. You're a big boy. You're a big puff. Yep. Let's see it right here. Oh, it's all like gay shit talking. Mm-hmm. He won and our family's a blue.

But my older brother, he was a red and he sort of got older me and finally tell me Adam took me on the glory path while I lay all waste of the way. And they have me on mind to make my own decisions on my you on with my brother.

So now I got it. Suck his on that's all. Yum, yum, yum, yum. Yum, yum, yum, yum. Pah, yum, yum. That's all I hear. Yum, yum, yum, yum. On the old man I make my own decisions.

I'm on the glory path. So now they're speaking. They were acting the fool earlier. They were. That was teatalk. Yeah, teatalk was really screwing them up. That was pre-teatalk. Yum, yum, yum, yum.

Yum, yum, yum. I don't understand it. Yeah. I'm on my man. I'm like a fucking failure. That is a masterful master of accents. Damn. No, I'm very impressed.

That's wonderful. That was mumbling too though. Yeah. A lot of mumbling. They're mumble rappers. So it's got to go. Are we going to, you know, the Oscars are coming up.

Have you ever gone? No. That's a fun question to ask someone. No. Have you ever been nominated? No. You would know that. I think you would know.

I would probably lead with that. I'd walk in the room. Hey, just so you know, I've been nominated for an Oscar. So just, you know, watch your tongue. I thought that's why we booked you. Oh, because I'm up for a nom right now? I thought so.

Well, I'm not. I was in a movie that was nominated. What's that? In the loop. I got nominated for best adapted screenplay. Does that, when the nomination happens, do you get phone calls? No, well, because I was an actor.

I know, but still, do they go like, hey, you know, people start? This was the first thing I ever did. So no, it was like just a, that was just a, there was just no. No, I don't get any phone calls for that

because it was a screenplay thing. It wasn't like a, you know, I don't think it was. Do you think the Oscars are screwing up by like really pushing diversity? I think the Oscars are, have always just been Paola 100%. There's, there's,

doesn't make any sense. Anyone gets angry about Oscar nominations or wins is forgetting that none of it makes any sense at all. Like no one ever won an Oscar for the thing that they won an Oscar for. What do you mean? You won an Oscar for like a movie you did 10 years ago,

but they couldn't give it to you there because they had to give it to someone who needed an Oscar for a movie they did 10 years ago. Oh, right, right. Once in a while, you get an Oscar nom thing. It's just a, it's all just, it's all Paola too. They put so much,

studios put so much money in promoting Oscar votes. It's, it's insane. They put, they pushed that shit like, oh my God. A million. The system is rigged guys. They put so much money into it. And it's all just, yeah.

Cause it's all, it's all like a cool contest. Like who are you going to vote for? Because who, who does the Academy want to feel like they're supporting at this time? So the Academy looks good. Oh, yes, we give it to them because we are, obviously you see how, you see how we voted for them?

Cause we, we like this. We like this cool. We're cool. We're cool. We like this young Bumblecore director. We're supporting them, even though it's not a comedy at all. But it's all, it's all that.

I mean, it's obviously wonderful if you get what I suppose. And it's, it's, it's great. And it's a real thing. But at the same time, there's, there's so many people who haven't been nominated for Oscars who deserve them hands, just 10 times over any other people in their same category.

They're just not, because maybe they're not sexy enough or... Well, speaking of sexy, do you feel like are you in, you know, in on these, the push to make the award shows genderless? You know? I don't know. That seems kind of weird to me.

There'd be so many less awards. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, it's kind of like a thing where if you do that, then it doesn't, it doesn't make any sense. It seems like a, a problem, you're creating a new problem that doesn't really exist. Yeah, that's enough already.

Like there's not a, there's not a problem there. Is there a problem? I don't know. I don't think so. I don't think so. I didn't. See, all this stuff you have up there, I didn't even know that was the thing right now.

Oh, it's a thing. Did you know in Canada, Trudeau changed their national anthem to be non-gender specific? So they, what did they used to say? Non-binary. It was something about there's a line in there, like the boys or blah, blah, blah, and they changed it to be gender neutral.

There's not like a historical reference to the boys who had like bayonets and stuff. Probably, yeah, who died. Actual boys that did die. Probably did. Mary, I see that. What's the point of that? What do you get?

Here's, oh no, here it is. Oh, Canada, our home. You were Twitter followers? Our home in native land, True patriot love in all thy sons command. So they changed it from in all thy sons command to in all of us command. So, I don't know.

I mean, was that really bothering people? I think it's bothering people more that he just went ahead and changed it. That seems to be the dilemma here. Like, hey dude, we didn't, nobody authorized that. Like you can't just change our national anthem. I think that's the general. It's very Trudeau though.

So it's very Trudeau brand. Yeah, it's on Trudeau. What about this, Gene? Have you seen this? Go. Oh, I always like a good fart video. Oh, that's really pretty. I didn't see.

I knew that was going to happen, but then you're like, maybe it won't. Yeah. Maybe it won't work. So it's nice to see it work. Go for more. You pooped. You shot.

A little nug. We love when nug came out. Saw that one coming. Yeah. You remember that part of Jackass 3D? With Dave England. You seen the Jackass 3D? I don't think so.

Not the 3D, I don't know. You got to see it. They're so funny. I love those dudes. Don't we not see that one? I feel like I love them so much. I love the show and I saw it, I think, two films. Well, 3D is the one for me.

That's the last one, though? Yeah, there's a great poo poo one in there. I think about it at least once a week. Wow, wow. It's so satisfying. Yeah, it's truly amazing. If you like those, you got to see my new movie coming out. Do you have a new movie coming out?

Yeah, it comes out June 1st. What is it? It's called Action Point. Action Point. It's about Action Park in New Jersey. You know, but the old music park in New Jersey? No. It was super dangerous.

It wasn't like the late 70s. It was like a place where kind of like drunks ran the rides. It was a... Six people died when it was open, but having the best time of their lives. Like, died like, dude, you should do that. Oh, really? Okay.

And it was like a notoriously very fun, kind of like working class place to go. Well, like real danger. It's kind of like in Hungary, the communists built an amusement park there, and I went in the 90s, like right as communism fell, and it was truly terrifying. Like the roller coaster was...

No safety restrictions. Zero. There was no seatbelt on the roller coaster. This is not the trailer. This is something wrong. This is some Chinese shit here, man. This is like some weird... Some Chinese shit.

You know what I mean? It's some weird like Chinese... That's not it? No, it's not it. The trailer's not out yet. Probably out like next month. I think... Interesting.

I don't know how much trailers lead movies these days, but it comes out in June. It's Johnny Knoxville. That's why I brought it up. Oh, fantastic. Is it a comedy? Yeah, it's an action comedy. It's Knoxville and Pontius.

They're like the two main people. And I play like Knoxville's like Lackey, who's like a ride engineer. Yeah, it was fun. We shot in South Africa for like three months, man. Oh, wow. So it was a pretty... Why did you guys shoot there?

Because they shoot there because they can basically get stuff for a quarter of the price. Because we have like 300 extras every day. They have this massive amusement... They had to build from scratch an amusement park. And this is supposed to be Jersey? It's supposed to be... Well, that's the thing.

They had to change it. Because South Africa is like Southern California 10 years ago, record drought. So they couldn't make it look green enough to be in New Jersey. So they made it. They just basically... Everything is the same from action.

It's the story of action park, but just changed to be fictitious. I could take space in California. Wow. Nice. Speaking of some Chinese shit. You know, Chinese New Year... This is Kudesga.

What year is it? The dog. You're the dog, man. Oh, good. This is the good year. I like dogs. The basketball and the NBA is extremely popular in China. Sorry about you just say,

basketball is extremely popular and then talk about something else? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Basketball is extremely popular sport. Okay. So, anyways, it just sounds like a little promo. This is nothing new.

They had a bunch of NBA players do a... And like former players say like, Happy Chinese New Year on a promo video. Oh, dear. There's a controversy right now. This guy has apologized for... And here's the amazing thing. They released it this way.

First of all, I'm just going to play it for you and you tell me, you know, what you think. Okay. So, this is like just going through it. These guys are just doing like, Oh, Happy New Year. Happy New Year. And it'll...

You'll see. Okay. Yep. Happy New Year and Go Jets. I just wanted to wish all of the NBA fans in China a very happy Chinese New Year. That was it. Okay.

What happened? What's offensive? You want to see it again? Yeah. This is like... I'm not sure. It's this guy right here. No way.

Yeah. And then he's had to issue like multiple... I thought he did the best job. Okay. Yeah, me too. You want to hear it again? I told him he did the best job. Yeah, okay.

That was nice. Like that last guy. 01:12:34,640 --> 01:12:35,120 There you go. I just wanted to wish all of the NBA fans in China a very happy Chinese New Year. Oh, that's... I know why.

Because he's inferring that only Chinese people in China celebrate. No, you still missed it. He said chant? No. He say a word I didn't hear? Yeah. What did he say?

He said chink. No, he didn't say it. No, he did not. He didn't say that. He didn't say chink. He did. He did. Where?

I thought it was him saying a different word. It was one of those like... Oh, like a liaison or something? It was like a... He said it and then you could see how they... Like he basically restarted, but they edited it together. Okay, let's see one more time. That's not true.

It is true. This is... There it is. Hey, Jess. I just wanted to wish all of the NBA chink fans in China... Yeah. Oh, the NBA... Does it add in there?

He said the NBA chink fans. The edit comes afterwards here. See how they're doing a little transition? Oh. And then he's like... A very happy Chinese New Year. Well, he said the NBA chink fans, right? Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, my God. But it was like... I don't think he's... He actually was running back. Hey, you fucking chinks. Happy New Year. I think, you know, sometimes your brain just morphs a word out that was not...

You didn't want to say... Like, I don't think he's trying to say it, but he actually says it. I got a question. Yeah. Why wouldn't they edit that out if they edited it at all? That's... That was one of the things that now, later on, they edited it out. I don't think he said chink.

What do you think he said? I think he said China and the edit made it seem like he said that. No, because the edit happens afterwards. He says... Can I say it one more time? Yeah. Yeah. I swore to God.

He says NBA chink fans. Chink fans. And then they... No, then they had to happen. But he goes like NBA, NBA, he like restarts. Yeah, yeah, because... I think because he restarts because he's like, I'm not... I think the word escaped his mouth.

His mouth. His mouth. And his mouth. But I think that he then tries to reset... I don't think he's trying to say with the intent of saying it like a pejorative word. But I think the actual five letters, whatever, just popped out of his mouth. And then he just... I just didn't hear a K. Simple as that.

I did not hear a K. I heard a hard chink. You got to listen. Maybe a K. I'm going to close my eyes. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Well, you're in Gojans.

I just wanted to wish all of the NBA chink fans in China... See, I thought he said NBA champ. No. With the first one I saw it. I was like, oh, I didn't say he's a champ. Yeah, I didn't hear chink the first time either. But then... Well, this guy's...

He said, who is this guy? He's a real dumbass. JJ Redick. What a dumbass. He's been doing apology after apology. How dumb... It's like of all the people to piss off, China. I know.

And you know, I'd actually forgotten the word chink. I don't even think of it anymore. It's an old one. It's such an old school thing. So, yeah. I can't believe he said that one dumbass. I didn't even remember that word. Yeah.

He was tongue-tied. Geez. Why would they air it? That's the silly... Was it live or something? Couldn't they have controlled that? He said... He says...

I just saw the video being circulated of me. I was tongue-tied. As the word I purportedly said is not in my vocabulary. I'm disappointed. Anyone think I would use that word? I love and respect our friends in China. Then he did a second thing where he went further to all our NBA fans in China.

Sincerely apologize to anyone I've offended. I was glad to do it. I was intending to say NBA Chinese fans. See, I think that's what happened. Because I think this guy... Yeah, he had to... Came out the wrong way. And he said, as we recorded it,

no one in the room, not the NBA PR team, nobody heard the word that I was purported to say. Anyways, he's like doing apology after apology. Oh, geez. I'm saying he didn't say it. You really still don't think he said it? I don't think he said it. Why would you say that?

But he said it. But why would you... It's like such a bad thing to say. But I mean, there's audio of it. You can hear him say it. Right. But it isn't one of those things where if you are looking for it, you'll find it.

Because we watched it. Yeah, I didn't hear it. We watched it a bunch. And it sounded like he just said, NBA China, the NBA... How about without watching it? Close your eyes. But now I know I'm looking for that.

I just wanted to wish all of the NBA Cheng fans in China... Yeah, I wouldn't, yeah. NBA Cheng fans, NBA Cheng... I'm saying that the... I don't think the intent is there of insulting. But I still think that that word came out of... I mean, I'm not saying you guys should be roasted.

Where did he grow up, you think? He grew up in Chinatown. Yeah, here. Also the cadence too, you know? NBA... I want to thank all the NBA Cheng fans. Yeah, who knows? So wait, are you saying though that the word

is still not the word coming out of his mouth? I just feel like it's something where it wasn't... It's got to be... It's not malicious. I say it's not malicious. A succulent Chinese meal! It's like a succulent Chinese meal, you're saying? Yes, a succulent Chinese meal.

I do love a succulent Chinese meal. Who doesn't enjoy it? He seems awfully young to throw out chink, you know what I'm saying? It does feel like an old-timey... That's a grandpa word. Yeah, like it's such an old color or something, you know? It's not really... You watch that Vietnam War documentary, the Kim Burns one?

No. There's so many words I say all the time that I'm like, oh, can't say that anymore. Really? Like dink. Dink? Dink is a racial store, evidently. I mean, I still keep saying it because dink, to me, means stupid.

Like, oh, look at that dink or treat. Look at that dink. What's a dink? It's a Vietnamese? It's like a very specific word for Japanese, I think, in the World War II or something like that. It's like super specific. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's an Asian person saying that. I believe it. Yeah. Sure. Yeah. Chink chong, chink chong. That's not me saying that? Yeah.

Johnny Pemberton said chink chong, chink chong on the spot. No. She's on that makeup one. A bitch wear. I'm still kid as shit. Get the fuck out of here. I might look a little bit more chink chong, chink chong, but don't get me fucked up, bitch.

I'm still hood as shit, and we'll fuck your ass up. Okay, you want to fuck with my money, huh? You want to fuck with my money? Who is that? That's that Asian lady. Damn. That sounds like a weird hood girl from... No, she's in that Vietnam documentary.

Oh. Yeah. Oh, okay. She fought over there. Don't, please. I didn't finish it, actually. I only got to number 10, so it was probably the last part. It was what he was waiting for.

So wait, so Dink is a racial slur? It's like a really subtle one that no one knows, but it's like a one that they would use. Soldiers would say that. How would you use it? I say it like stupid, like, oh, man, look at that Dink. He's trying to put it, fit that bag in the overhead. What a Dink.

Dinkist or something. It sounds like a stupid thing, right? It sounds like Dinkist. Or like Flathead. Dufus. You call someone a Flathead? They're an idiot. Oh, look at that Flathead.

And now that's a racial slur? I don't think Flathead is. Flathead's like an old, that's like from the 1800s, I think. Flatface, though, is a racial slur. Flatface is, yeah. But I might have just said Flatface just now. I don't wish to listen to audio play it back. Why don't you fucking wish the Chinese a happy New Year

and see what happens? You know what I thought it was going to be for real? Because I had a Chinese neighbor, this lady named Jenny, and she would always bring us stuff for Chinese New Year, right? Happy for Chinese New Year. She'd always come over and say that. He's an accent, so.

That's what Jenny would say. I had her on the podcast years ago. It was like the best podcast I ever recorded because she would just ramble on and on about stuff, about Chinese New Year. And there's always things you can't say. You can't say. I think the number four, you never say four.

It's like extremely bad luck because it's a square. It's something that's really absurd. Big on luck, man. Big time on luck. And if you do something that is unlucky on Chinese New Year, it's like a curse. If you do that to someone else, you can basically curse them. And she told me this, and I thought this guy said,

um, wishing you four more. Like he said, oh, he said four. He said the number four. That's that's why I thought I was going to be like some weird thing. Like what's wrong with I can't say the number four. I remember learning that in Vegas, basically even the ones that don't appear to have any type of Asian influence or theme casinos, right, are all designed with Asian guests in mind.

Oh, I'm sure they're such a huge part of the gambling atmosphere. They love gambling. And so it's like, it's, there was even, MGM did a crazy thing, like 10 years ago, where they had an entrance that was, I don't know if it was like a lion's mouth or something like that. And a bunch of Asians were like this. It wouldn't go in. They're like, yeah, they didn't like it.

And so they were like, turn that shit down tomorrow. Like they, they did it immediately. They, they, they adhere to whatever that, you know, part of the world once because they're a big part of, of gambling. That and number eight, they like eight, eight, eight, eight. Everyone, the license plate, that's the most desirable one. Eight's lucky. I think four is, I'm pretty sure four is unlucky. We have to have, okay.

So like, yeah, four, you have to have an uneven number of dogs. I remember I did a Chinese guy, you know, and his sister, they had three dogs cause two or four is unlucky. Wow. There you go. Three dogs. I think some of it comes from the word. If a word sounds like another word. It's, it's that, but it's that arbitrary.

Who knows, bro? You got a vibration test here. Yeah. This camera is silly. It does its own thing. Why do you, why do you have it? Oh, why do we do anything? Why do we do anything? Why do we have it?

Have you done movies, man? Coverage, bro. Coverage. Coverage, man. It's a different setup. Okay. Yeah. You got company move. Those are all the words I know. I love a company move, man.

Company move. We're doing a company move. Oh God. Okay. Well, we have base camp set up here. We're going to push your call actually. We've got, we've got force calls. Check the pre-land. Where's the martini shot?

The martini. Oh, is that the last one? I remember. Second to last. Woof. Okay. What is it? Mid-out sound.

In my, in my. MOS, right? MOS. Mid-out sound. Mid-out sound. You know where that's from? Meats is with a German. Right. So it's because a German guy was the first guy that said it.

So they, they, the expression is named. MOS. Those are movie sayings for people. It's actually without sound. Modern then business. Can you play that video we watched before Johnny came, that kid, the, in the center of the city. In the center of the city.

And he would let out a nice sound. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I haven't been thinking about it and I want to see it again. And then we also have to have him a guess. Oh my God. I can't wait. In the audience is going to be outside. Big news guys. It's coming.

Yes. See how I know. I love it because I feel like it's somewhere like in Brussels or something. Somewhere like that. Belgium. It's impressive. Yeah. That's incredible.

It is. I know. Where is this? It looks like, yeah. As you're up for sure. Somewhere in. Did you see, did you see her jump? No, I missed your jump.

Watch her. Watch this later. Which one? The one with the short jacket or the long jeans? Right here. Yeah. The one, the one, the one I'm already looking at. Yeah. Yeah.

Watch. That's amazing. That's like boogers in Revenge of the Nerds. Yeah. It's incredible. Have you seen those homemade ship horns that people make? Ship horns? A ship.

Like a, like a, a falcon horn. I saw one this morning. It's the greatest thing I've ever seen. Some guy in the back, his backyard in Kansas makes this horn at a PVC pipe and an air compressor that sounds like a fucking cruise ship. Just is docking. Really?

It's amazing. It is unbelievably loud. Just like boom. And it's, you can tell this is a loud as shit. Can you imagine doing that in your apartment complex? Oh my god. Tear-eyed people. So cool.

Tear-eyed people. It's so funny. I think he does more. Oh, I love it. That's a talent. That is a real skill. That's incredible. You see the girls run away?

Of course. That's going to be a talent. Match with a certain type of disease as well. Yeah. For bacterial infection. You might need to see your dad at some point. 01:24:57,600 --> 01:24:58,160 At some point.

Um, god. Oh, that's so funny. Well, we all know a kid that could do that, you know? But look at, these girls get so scared. In high school. And they decide to run the other way. This is the kind of guy, like in the 16th century, he would be a warlord.

Like he would just run into a village and do that. Like, oh, we are scared of him. Yeah. He's coming. The better were. The king would either kill him or be like, bring him around. Bring him around.

I want to see him do it again. Bring in the man. I can't do that. It's like a dying goat or something. Like a giant goat. So good. That lady who pushed me. That is so silly.

The most popular guy in high school, for sure. Oh, yeah. And there's always the guy that can do this early in life. You discover these talents early. I knew a guy who used to be able to suck in air to his ass and just fart unlimited. I knew a girl that could queef on command. I knew a kid that could burp like that.

I had a roommate that could suck air through his ass and fart. Sure. And you know who used to do burps? Burps are really big like that. Brian and Jeanette. Really? Oh, Jeanette, definitely. Really?

She's been on this show burping. Basy, deep, loud burps. When there's a woman that can do it, she's exceptional. There was a girl in my high school that could do it. She could do the alphabet. It was pretty amazing. I had the opposite. I burped sound like a little lizard just died.

It's like they're terrible. They sound like a creep keeper or something like that. I mean like gollum. They're just, they're really gross. I hate them. I'll do it. I'll forget I have that burp and I'll do it around like a friend I'm comfortable with.

And they're like, are you okay? It sounds bad. Like really fucking. Hey guys, I don't have a made a video in a while, but I'm going to make it up to you because this year I come up with something called the super burp. And super burp is where I swallow in a lot of air. I wait until it sinks down into my stomach

and then I swallow in more air because it makes room. And so I'm just burping it right out right away. So give me a little bit. Be patient. It's really painful too. So. It's hard to watch. I'm loaded up.

Is that what she's wearing? Her prom dress? Okay. Really? It feels like it. Here we go. I hate the build up too. It was loud.

It's really good. That's really good. See, I'm feeling she could rival the guy. What about the king? I didn't realize he's got a couple in here. Oh, we gotta see this. Yeah. He's so nice.

Two liter coke. Two liter. This is king-ass Ripper Johnny. His burps aren't as good as his farts. No, his farts are. That's where his talent is. Yeah, I'm from Brooklyn. I don't think, he's just such a...

God damn. God damn. He's got food on his shirt. Yeah, he's nasty. He's such an animal. That's by design though, right? Yeah, I mean he stuffed himself, but I mean he really goes really crazy.

You see a professional eater? Yeah, he's a glutton and a farter. Farter. I watched a guy once eat five Chipotle burritos in five minutes. Wow. Like in the state of nature? It's almost one of these guys, one of these YouTube guys. Yeah.

Like a power eater. Gotta be sick immediately after that. Yeah. Wow. Five in five minutes? Yeah, it was something where it doesn't seem, because they're so dense, right? Doesn't seem humanly possible,

but I guess that's why we train. It's actually true. Kobayashi, those hot dog eating guys, they do train. You gotta stretch it. You gotta stretch your stomach. One of the competitive food eaters, and I didn't realize, I was like, oh man, how does that stuff pass through eating?

He was like, oh no, I'll puke it up. I'm like, oh. What a waste. Such a waste. Just make it into dog food or something. Yeah, do something with it, right? They should do that. They should actually vomit up all that stuff

and make like a certain type of dog food, or horse food, or something. Yeah, my dog would eat that. My dog would eat that in a second. Oh, will we get vomit? Oh, vomit food, yes. Oh, thank you, daddy. Oh, vomit food.

They love anything. My dog drank half a, my dog drank 10 ounces of salmon oil one night. We came home. I left the salmon oil by her food on the floor, thinking, oh, because we put this in her food, doesn't mean that she's gonna think it's her food. No, of course not.

She tore it open. The carpets ruined. The house smells like a fucking fish restaurant. She vomited multiple times and ate the vomit again. And she was sick for 48 hours. It was like, we thought she was gonna fucking die from drinking all this salmon oil. Supposed to put two pumps in their food,

and she had like the most entire bottle of it. And she kept, and even after we got home, and we took care of everything and gave her charcoal pills, she still, I think she vomited up and ate some more of it. Why do they eat the barf? That's the worst. It's got that smell. It smells so good.

It's like Jesus, right? Fifo got into some tums the other day, but he didn't puke. He ate about five. I've seen him puke and be like, that looks good. I know. That's the worst. How would you, if I was a dog, I'd eat puke.

I would not eat puke. What if it was like, you'd have a bunch of Jesus. She's got a real aversion to puking. Yeah, I have a kind of a phobia of it. Wait, we almost, I almost fucking forgot again. Okay, so she's got big old hangers on her. I got huge tits. And I'm pregnant, too, to that.

Right, there's been a lot of speculation. But I've got big tits even before I got pregnant. I've always had big tits. Always had big hangers. Fifth grade. And yeah, she's always had big tits. So a few weeks ago, she's like, God, you know, I mean, she's always like, my back hurts.

These tits are so big. I gotta slice these things off. I don't say that. Nice to slice them off. But they're getting bigger with... Slice them off. Pregnancy. Yeah, I wanna have them taken down, yeah.

So they're getting big with pregnancy. And then she goes, how much do you think my tits weigh? So I'm sitting down and she's standing up. And I reached my hand up and I was like, I don't know, like 15 pounds or something. Because they're huge. And so we start talking about on the show. And then we talk about, like,

how can we actually get these things legit weighed? So people start sending in ideas. And then one of them... The deli meat scale sounded like a good idea. That makes sense. Yeah, that'll be a good one. And we also thought that actually, we also thought the local Whole Foods would be into it.

You know? Right, sponsorship. Sure. Just go in there, drop that big old slopper on that food scale and see what it weighs. But then we realized, you know, maybe they won't. So we ordered a food scale. And we brought it to the, we brought out the hangers

and we put the milk flaps on the food scale. We waited in the studio before you came today. Now, it's an inexact science. Of course. Obviously there's a margin of error here because of what about my force? What about my pushing down?

And, you know, it's an imperfect science. So I think we got kind of an estimate here on what these hangers weigh. Johnny, take a look. What do you think? I mean, is your wife big, chested or small? Yeah, but she's not pregnant. What size?

So he knows what he's looking at. Okay, so before I was pregnant, they were quadruple Ds. Now they're even bigger. Is that exponential with the D thing? Because it's like, how many Ds until you get to the E? So it goes four Ds and then the next size up is an E. Okay, so you're on, you're on the cusp of a D.

No girl, I'm on cusp of E. Now, now I am an E. I am an E adjacent. Yeah. She was a quadruple DSLUT and now she's an E. Okay. God, yeah, the triple DSLUT, those are big. Okay, so how much does that weigh?

What do you think? Yeah, what would you say? I'm talking about one gam, one man. Okay, we'll talk about a single one, not collective. Okay. Rob, Rob, Rob. Jesus Christ. I'm gonna guess, okay.

Is it, how much do I have to narrow it down to? Well, I think here's the thing. There's two breasts and we weighed them both separately. I think you can guess, you don't have to be like, the left one is this, the right one is that. You just have to guess one number. Cumulative. And oh, you wanted him to guess the number.

Yeah, I mean, look, it's very difficult to gauge what each one individually. Okay, so what do you do? Just give me a cumulative. What do you think both of these honkers together? What am I carrying on my chest? What is, what was your initial guess? Before, like way back, what was your initial guess?

My initial guess was like 15 pounds. 15 pounds each. Well, I did think that. I did think that. No, that's way too high. That's not even possible. I know, but I thought. Gravity would just pull me to the floor.

You know what I'm gonna say? I'm gonna say seven pounds. It's a collective. But no one, each seven. Seven. Wow. No, no. It's hard.

It's so hard because my dog is so big. It's like a thing where, you know, I think about animal weight. Right. And I'm so strong that like I pick up my heavy dog and it's like, um, I would, I'm gonna have to say five and a half. As the cumulative.

Cumulative. No, as each, each breast is five and a half. Oh wow. Okay. Okay. All right. That's my guess. Final answer.

Final answer. And you? Well, I mean, I know. Oh, that's right. But before you said about 15, and I, I guessed about, it feels about 10 to 15. So you're,

your final answer is five and a half. Each. Each, meaning 11 total. Yeah. Okay. Well, here we go. You ready to see the. God, this is just.

Interesting. Yeah, get ready for it. Get ready for it. Here's what. I found a deli scale. These big old milkers. We call them crackers. We have breasts.

Let's start with the righty. Um, the witches, which here? The lesser. So now as is common with most women, my boobs are not perfectly symmetrical. One is bigger than the other. There's a little bit of, of, uh, breast meat in the photo. Let me see.

Oh, okay. I can get it out. Never mind. I can get it out. Please get it out. I don't want these people saying with sloppers. The funky dunkers, you mean? They're so big.

Funky dunkers. My favorite new one. Funky dunkers. That is my. Right breast. That is 2.16 pounds. Yeah. I really overshot, didn't we?

It feels like five. It feels like. And again, we might not be doing it correctly. Well, here's the thing. Is that the scale, you know, fluctuated, but I'm kind of just rounding. I feel as though it's, it's an, it's inaccurate enough. Did you, uh, did you have it where the breast was a, it wasn't,

obviously it wasn't so high as to have it be, you're below the scale. You're not doing that, but you're also high enough to wear. I guess you know what it feels like for the full. It was at chest level. Like it was right there. Yeah. But it's also this thing. It's like, what, where does the breast begin?

Oh God. See what I wanted you to do, by the way. Yeah. I want to do it standing. Yeah. Where the breast is that where the countertop is, let's say. Right. And you just go, boom.

That's how did you do it then? We did it. I sat. But at seated. You got to stand. Cause you, it's like with all things you got to stand. Yeah. But listen, here's the thing.

What's the difference between, it's not going to fluctuate between two and five pounds if I'm sitting or standing. I feel as though this is an accurate approximation. Let's just try it again. So here, that was the, this is the, this is righty. Okay. And then here, this is the, and this is the big three point big fluctuation one seven. So one is a full pounder, which is actually true because this one is an entire cup size larger.

Always my whole life. So I've had to get a cup size smaller to go for both. Look, I just want to tell you, I'm not the most romantic guy I think, but you got huge tits. That ain't no shit. Thanks man. Thank you. Interrupting. And there's a medical doctor out there that will, in the Los Angeles area,

that will weigh my breast more accurately. If you want, do you want to go and see a medical doctor that listens to this program? Oh, that's true. That's true. And he's like, yeah, I'll weigh your tits for you. I know. Like Trump's doctor, that guy. Yeah, that guy is so awesome.

Oh man, he would do anything. Well, I think this is a nice, it's a roundabout. Well, so the grand total of those was like five point, what was it? Five and change. 12.3. That feels about right. So if you're, if you're per, if your guess of the cumulative weight was the actual, your guess of the each weight, you would, you would have been spot on.

Yeah. I guess I just don't know what breasts weigh. I know. And I, and I really do want to try the standing method. I just want to see if it changes. Sure. Let's do it tonight. It's all because I guess I forget that that type of tissue is not very dense.

Well, well, yeah. Now it's getting full of milky and stuff too. The milk ducts because of the baby. Yeah, milky. We'll see what happens. Milk is in there. Oh, milky. Yeah.

I wonder what they weigh when they're going to be fully engorged with milk. Holy shit. Yeah. You could, well, now you can chart your progress. Now you can like, you can chart your progress. This might be some sort of breakthrough breast cancer research actually. It's a really good idea and keep a chart. Yeah.

I like that. You can have a chart on the wall. Yeah. Next to your son's weight, your son's height, you can put it next to it. It's a really good idea. When you were this tall, my breasts weighed this much. It's a really good point actually. I think five is about right.

Because there's this video people sent us about animals and how much the animal weighs in comparison to the breast. And it seems about right. My tit size is like two chickens. That's what this video said. I love chickens. Yeah, me too. Chickens are great.

So there you go. Big mystery, big reveal guys. Okay. What do you like for, Gene? I was looking for a song just to play. Oh, an outro. Yeah, I found it. That's a lot of weight to carry around.

I got to get these fuckers reduced. Johnny Pemberton, working people see you besides action point. Yeah, go see the action park when it comes out. Park, sorry. Action point. I always get confused. I get confused. Oh, you were right.

I was wrong. You know, Instagram, YouTube. I post a lot of videos on youtube.com slash justmynipples. Really? Yeah. And Instagram, I post some videos on there. It's just Johnny underscore Pemberton. And I've got an album coming out on Starburn's audio.

And where'd you record? It's actually a compilation of all the best prank phone calls I've done. I love prank phone calls. I have some of them on my youtube channel. But most of them are just going to be on the album. It's going to be on a cassette. They have a cassette club that's also going to be available digitally. Because obviously, cassettes are cassettes.

That's amazing. So do you do calls regularly? Yeah, I've been doing them for a long time. And I do mostly, they're not prank phone calls. They're more like, I call customer service places and kind of engage with people in a way that I think they're not used to being engaged with. That's great. I got to hear some of this.

I know. I want to hear it. Give me an idea of what kind of just tease me. Well, like I always pretend to be a guy named Kevin Tipcorn. And I usually call with like a legit complaint about something. And it just sort of starts to get really absurd. And I ask a lot of personal questions like what you're having for lunch. And I just get really, like there's one, I basically just try to get weird people out

to the point where they are trying to stop the call. But I know that they can't, I used to work in call center. So I know how it works, the politics of it. So yeah, I call like a VEDA. I'm complaining about these little like scrubbing balls inside the shampoo, talking about how they look like lice and trying to get through the girl starts talking about her hair care and stuff. And I have one calling the police asking them like weird questions about their phone system.

It's a strip club I call with a guy. I just went on about asking all these questions like, can I drink out of a glove? And can I like, can I wear shorts? And he just is indulging me for some weird reason constantly. I call it Halliburton. Somebody Halliburton talked about chemtrails and all kinds of shit like that. That's great, man. Yeah.

It's called, it's called recorder for quality assurance. Nice. Oh, that's great. All right. So look for it. Look for it. Go see the movie action point. Action point.

Yeah. Yeah. June 1st, I'll be in New York March 1st through 12th doing some shows. Oh, great. Yes. All right. You'll tweet them or post them. Yeah.

They'll be tweeted and posted and like, you know, just totally done. Yeah. Why don't you tell me you're going to be there? Why don't you tell me? God damn it. I'm so tired of that. Jolly Pemberton, you were great.

Thank you. Yes, thanks. You guys are great. And we'll see you guys next week. Check you out. Bye-bye. Bye, Gene. Bye, Gene.

You're my son. I'm your mom. You're my son. I'm your mom. Ask them will you ask, ask, ask them will you, you get your mom. Yes, I would. You're my son. I'm your mom.

It's just like the gaze. It's just like, just, just, just, just, it's just like the gaze. I looked at her and she looked at me. It's just like the gaze. Once in a while he calls me mom, you know what I mean? We're both consenting adults. Ask them will you ask, ask, ask them will you. I looked at her and she looked at me.

You're my son. I'm your mom. It's just like the gaze. It's just like, just, just, just, it's just like the gaze. Ask them will you ask, ask, ask them will you, you. It's just like the gaze. You