Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 448-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: May 16, 2018

This one is just Jean and Jean.  We find yet another man who is putting it out there for the world wide web with a plea that is sure to touch a woman's heart.  We find a man who represents the Dark Siiiiiide and you may not be ready for it.  Plus, is Hummus good to eat before a massage?  How many days is too many without a shower? AND - we may have uncovered the secret to what the Try It Out guy is saying! Four Stroke Life Shirts are now in store! Get one just to annoy Christina. Wear them to her shows! Please support our sponsors:  Brooklinen.com Code word - MOM SaatvaMattress.com 

Attention, Vegas mommies! This is the Water Champ letting you know I have a special announcement. June 4th, I will be taping another Netflix special, a half hour, it's called the Degenerates of Comedy, and Joey Diaz will also be recording that night. If you would like free tickets to this Netflix taping, go to my website, Christina P. Online. Click on the link, and you have to use the code, your mom. Y-O-U-R-M-O-M to get these free tickets, and because you use that promo code, Y-O-U-R-M-O-M, you will get excellent seating.

I was told, fans of your mom's house, get to sit up front, but you've got to use that promo code when you sign up for your free tickets. In Las Vegas, June 4th, the link is at Christina P. Online, and I hope to see you guys there. Okay, on with the show. Motherfuckin' nerds, get me out of here. Gene. Yeah, it is a cool sound. So, I added shows last week in Boise, Idaho, and the Boise Theater, and it sold out.

The first one sold out. It's at the Egyptian Theater in Boise on October 5th. So, we added a second show, doing a late show now. If you didn't get tickets to that first one, try to get tickets to this one. Try to get them. What else? There's a few tickets left for the third show in New Orleans, September 29th. Breastballs Beach, Florida, the West Palm Beach improv has shows, or tickets, that is in August.

And where did I add? I added, or I have a show in Sacramento, October 6th. I have a show in Fresno, October 26th. And in Bakersfield, October 27th. Those are on sale. Jackmioffville, Florida. November 2nd. Orlando, Florida.

Yeah. November 3rd is Orlando. And then Phil Hurrup, Delphia, at the Merriam Theater. November 16th has been added. So, those tickets are all at tomscure.com slash tour. Jean? Well, Jean, May 31st.

Oh, you know what? You got to do this all over again. Because your mic is muted. Yeah. I can hear you too, but you're not... Trock now. Meow, meow, meow. Yeah, now you're back.

No. I'll just do my dates over. That's all I did so far. Hold on, let me pull them up. Okay. Hold on. I'll give you a... Just for people, because they're going to hear an edit.

This is Christina. Her mic is now unmuted. So, now she can talk. To dream come true, Tom. I know. A muted mic. So, May 31st. Here in Los Angeles.

We don't have one for Los Angeles. Mom's... Mom's Angeles? I mean, it is like the center. Yeah, it is. Hmm, anyway. So, May 31st, 8 o'clock show. It's going to be in the belly room at the comedy store.

With my favorite comedians, it's going to be myself, right? We got Ryan Sickler, aka Sickle Cell. Sam Tripoli, Steve Simone, and Joni Coyote. They're going to be my special guests, and it's going to be a blast. Tickets available now on Christina P. Online. It's a tiny, tiny room. It's intimate for a reason. I can't tell you what the reason is, but it's very exciting.

When do you get to tell reasons? As soon as things are signed, I think. Oh, okay. But it's very exciting to me. And you're going to be a part of something very cool. So, get those tickets now. November... Really, Tom?

November 24th. Man Diego at the House of Blues. Tickets are going quickly on that one. And then December 8th in Jewdork Titties at the Gramercy Theater. Just a handful of tickets left on that. Christina P. Online for all the links. Thank you. I love you.

All right. There you have it. There it goes. So distracting that you belched during my thing. I think people are very upset. I'm sure they are. All right. It's fixed.

Okay. Better now? Much better now. Let's see. Thank you to Scott for walking us through that. I think it's fixed. Let's see if it's fixed. I think it is fixed.

Try it out. I love you again. Okay. You're supposed to... Sounds good. Do we have an opening clip? You're supposed to reciprocate. You're supposed to reciprocate?

That's a big word. I don't know what that means. You're supposed to give it back? All right. I love you again. How did you stop? How are you going to stop? What did I do to make you stop?

All right. I love you. All right. A lot of really amazing stuff to get into on this show. I mean, really, really, really good stuff. Are you ready? Yeah. Let's do it.

Let's get into this show. Here you go. Hi. I'll make this brief. My name is John Lai, you shipment. I'm looking for girls for pussy. I love to eat pussy. Okay.

This shit is big time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving for this. No loving for this man. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Don Segura.

With Don Segura. Christina Pajitse. Christina Pajitse. Christina Pajitse. Welcome to your mom's house. It looks like you like to eat a lot of stuff. I'm getting these cool guys that put these videos out. How are they finding this?

I don't know. And it's a very unique lane. Whoever is sending these in, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. This is exactly what gets me going. Me too. And it meets all the criteria. Excellent. Your mom's house video.

Portrait mode. Tight. White, white, wall, background, ceiling. What normally happens is they hold the camera away. And you kind of get a little too much space. He went the opposite. It's too much face. He's holding his phone right here.

He's all face. It's almost like he's telling you a secret that he likes pussy. It's disgusting. I don't want to know that close. And he's got acne. And he's so formal. I feel like most of these guys need to know that all girls know that you want pussy. Yeah, dummy.

And they don't want to hear you say that. They never want to hear you say it. That's true. It is kind of a given. Yeah. He's not shocking anybody with this news. No. No.

He's fucking news. We all like it. We all want it. Yeah. Well, you know, or some version, whatever you like. He is so damn gross. If you're in the fat guys and you're looking for some action, you live in Missouri. He's got a whisper too.

He's doing a low talk. Please call me at 157 or text me. Oh my God. 10, 4, 1, 6, 3. Oh, he gave two different numbers out. What's with the whisper talk? Why does he? You can call.

I know the whisper talks also. He had a restaurant. Can you put these on the drew list, please? Missouri fat guy, pussy hound. Let's see. Put that on the list. Now, what's the drew list up to? How many we have for him?

Well, let me find it first. There's got to be some new. This is like new stuff for Drew. Yeah. This is fucking not normal. I don't know where it is. Where did it go? Your two drew list.

Maybe I'm on the other side. Here it is. Missouri fat guy. Yeah. How many other things are on there for Drew? We should have him in pretty soon. Yeah. Looks good.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Oh, that's enough. What? 11 with the Missouri fat guy. Are you serious? Well, yeah. Of things that he hasn't seen yet? Yeah.

Fresh material. Grist for the mill of crazy. Yeah. We've got the mill. Oh, my God. I didn't know it was that many. Yeah, of course. Okay.

Yeah. Dr. Drew, please come back. We got a... Oh, I keep telling him. I keep forwarding him these clips. Yeah. What does he say? It's usually an emoji with vomit of some kind.

He's like, absolutely. You sent him the clip itself? No, I sent him the teaser of last week. We were like, this one's for him. Yeah. And he's excited. He's like, can't wait. All right.

With a barf emoji. Excellent. Excellent. Let's see what he's... I wonder what this guy's into. This guy's so nat. I don't need to know. I'd love to know.

I'm a kinky motherfucker. Yeah, we know. I built a sex winged time machine out of beef jerky. Uh-oh. I want a girl who can roll a blunt with her pussy. Oh. Who texts me a 1-6. Or call me.

My name's John. Call me. Try to draw. A 1-5-5. Wait. I'm hearing a little Daniac. It's like the spaghetti spaceship talk. Yeah.

I think Drew's going to talk about these eyes. Yeah, the lock. And the level of volume in the voice. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I'm also like, again, there's a little delusional, made of beef jerky and the thing. And roll a blunt with your pussy. Yeah.

It's not possible. It's not possible. No matter how talented your pussy is. I want to leave you busy. Yeah. Why the low talk? Is that his sexy voice? I don't know.

I don't really can roll a blunt with her pussy. That's, it's pretty. He's trying to be, that's, but that's his deliberate sexy time voice is what I'm saying. A sex winged time machine out of beef jerky. A sex winged time machine out of beef jerky. That's really nuts. What does that even mean? What does that mean, sir?

Wow. Do you think anyone called or texted him? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I think that this. Maybe now they will. Well, that's what I'm saying.

You and I have been giving these guys a great platform. I know. But they can find them. We, uh, the meth dick guy took his video down. What? Why? Yeah. I wonder why people found them and they were like, Hey man, I want to see that dick get

bigger. That's the thing about our listeners is that they are so good at finding these people. Yeah. You can't hide. You can't hide from the mommies. Yes. They are a harnessed force and they should never be messed with, you know? Man.

Yeah. Quite a force. Oh my God. I don't want to forget. So that's why I'm jumping into this right now. What's that? Um, I did it. I did it.

I did it. I went ahead and against your wishes. Um, hold on. Oh boy. Against your wishes. It was no neuropathy. No, neuropathy issues. I'm not sure why that's, um, relevant to his discussion of what, when his brother comes

so hard with no known neuropathy, wouldn't neuropathy hinder his ability to come rather than bolster it, boost his ability to come hard? Do you know what I'm saying? Like his argument is there's no known neuropathy that would be an advantage is what I'm thinking to his coming. So hard. It's all the math. So why I've mentioned the neuropathy.

I don't know, baby. He smokes meth regularly. I mean, what are you trying to do here? I'm just trying to make logical sense out of the argument. That's your problem. That's my problem with crazy is my whole life. I've tried to understand it and I just, you can't, you can't understand it. You just got to let it go.

You dared me and a double dog dared me and said it's not possible. I didn't say that. And, uh, you said it's not a good idea. It's not possible. I went and pulled the trigger anyway. Oh boy. I'm going to throw a gang t-shirt, um, from us here at your mom's house. Oh boy.

We went with the approach of, uh, having golf clubs. A lot of people would tell me, Oh, motorcycles have four stroke engines, but I don't know. I wouldn't know that. Well, I, I just was just like, yeah, I don't know that. So it says your mom's house four stroke gang don't meth with us, which is pretty funny. I like the tag. Yeah.

It's pretty great. I'm trying to find, uh, I want to find the gentleman that designed it for us. Uh, it's Jeffrey Miles. Jeffrey. Jeffrey. Thank you very much. Uh, it says your mom's house. And then on that bottom part, it says don't meth with us, which was a suggestion from

somebody. Four stroke gang. So it's in the store. Um, let's, I won't be selling about five or seven of these. Let's show Christina what time it is and prove to her that four stroke gang can be for the masses. So my prediction, a lot of excels, not a lot of female cuts being sold. I think we're going male only on this.

Yeah. I think that. Okay. Well, that's a smart idea. Cause you're not going to see a lot of, uh, females, female size. Not necessarily. Smalls, mediums. You're going to see the larger sizes being sold.

Thank you. Full of it. But yeah, um, I would be, I would be so surprised if I saw a woman out of your mom's house event or one of our stand-up shows wearing this. I would not be surprised. This is the difference between you and me. Okay. Well, I believe I'd like to get some numbers on these because this is the rub, rub shirt

and no offense to the designer because he tweeted me and he was like, I'm, I can't believe you. Yeah. I was joking. But the design is fine. I'm not saying anything. I just think the concept, the idea of your, of a come beard on a comedian's face, it's a little aggressive and I'm thinking four strokes till someone comes hard again, a little

aggressive. And the play on, they put golf clothes there. Oh, I got it. No, I understand the joke. It's very clever. But, uh, you know, what does it mean? It's about, well, now it's like an inside thing where like somebody who just walks by someone in that shirt is like, Oh, God, I got it, a golf thing, you know, you're laughing

at my reaction. I love, you know, what's great about it, it happens every, every episode and you get mad every time. I know it's terrible. It's so funny. Um, you're like, um, Charlie Brown, when he goes to kick the ball and then Lucy takes it away. And he's like, why don't I keep trying anyways, um, disgusting, violent, passerby sees it and

they go, Oh, it's a, it's a golf friend. But then if it's a somebody that's in the know, they know that it's a meth smoking jerk off. That's a meth pipe right under the golf clubs. Yeah. It meant to look like a, a T with a ball kind of upside down. Sure. It's actually very funny.

Cause it doesn't your dad golf. Yeah. Maybe we could get him a shirt. Oh, I'll definitely send him one. You buddy, I did a golf shirt and what's this four stroke angle to four strokes wouldn't imply that we got to get him on the show soon. He, uh, he's on a trip right now and four strokes wouldn't imply that you can get the ball in the hole and four, well, it would, well, I mean, it would just doesn't necessarily

suggest that. It's just, you know, a stroke is a, you know, a swing of it, three strokes, four strokes. So you're, I think it would just suggest to a golf person that it's just golf lingo. You know what'd be super funny is if golf nerds did buy it and no idea, like, oh, it's so funny. Where to the driving range. Do you want your dad boners wearing it? What's the four stroke rings that you and your friends, you go play golf?

Yeah. Well, uh, have fun selling those five shirts and I'm going to prove you so wrong on this. Let's see what mentally ill women, you know, are into this kind of stuff. I'm telling you, it's in the store now, merch method, merchmethod.com slash Tom Segura. Um, we did our, uh, so gross, we did an overnight to get away for one night. What we do is, uh, we take our sum, we put them in the dog crate, put a bowl, put some water, some fresh water, don't get upset. We leave them diapers or like change yourself and then, uh, we, uh, we just leave them for

like a day. Yeah. Please say that you're joking. So the child services doesn't come investigating kidding with less than a day with him for like 18 hours. Okay. Um, no, we have, uh, he's watched. Don't worry about it.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, the miss cigarettes and his, his booze and then we go overnight is just for something we do every once in a while and we went to a nice place. We spent the night out, but, uh, first we went to their spa and did like nice mommy treatment at the spa. And, um, beforehand, before we left the house actually, it was like midday, you had ordered a Mediterranean lunch and you were like, try all this stuff.

And I go, okay. And it was really good. Was it an Israeli? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Mediterranean diet. I was reading how healthy it is.

It's like a nice place right now being preggers. Yeah. So, you know, it's like, uh, fucking hummus and chicken kebabs and stuff like that. I had, you know, I'd had breakfast and I was like, but I'll try these. And I took a couple of bites of things, really fresh eggplant. Yeah. Like that. Fresh salads, mix, right?

Diced up. Two cumbers, tomatoes, all fresh. Very good. Really good. And then of course, like a homemade fresh hummus. Homo. So I think it's how you call it. Homo.

Yeah. Homo. So I, I had that Homo and, um, a few bites. And then a few more. I was like, it's really good. And then we drive to the place and, um, we check in together, I go in my room, I lay on this table and, uh, therapist comes in and is like, um, okay, here, you know, whatever, like relax, have a nice treatment.

And then as she like changes the light in the room, my stomach goes, of course. Oh, I was like, Oh my God. And like, you know, when you, I could feel it, the feeling from my gut to my asshole. Yeah. Yeah. I'm looking through that donut that your face is in and I, my eyes wide and I go, oh my God. It's a catch it quick.

Yeah. And I just squeeze. Yeah. Yeah. My cheeks. Oh yeah. So hard. Yeah.

I spent the first 15 minutes just like this in that donut. In a panic. In a full panic. And then eventually it just went back up inside me. Isn't that interesting? Yeah. In a full panic fart too. Cause that Mediterranean food really creates a lot of gas and I just clench as hard as

I can, which is very hard for me, um, but then it just disappeared. Yeah. Now here's the nice part is that the minute you stand up after the massage, it all comes out. Oh, it is. Here's the thing. And you forgot about it. That's what happened.

Yeah. You know, it's like a 90 minute treatment massage. So when I, when you're, when it's like, okay, it's done, you kind of have that drunk post massage feeling where you're like, whoa. Yeah. And she's like, I'll be waiting outside with water. Yeah. And you go, okay.

Fuck your water. And I sit up and you're like, oh man, you sit on the table for a second, kind of gather yourself, put your robe on, like, oh man. And then as I'm about to walk out, I go, ha, I got that fart again. Yeah. And now you feel no pressure. You're no fear. Yeah.

And it's just, it's like it built. It grows. It grows. And then it comes out so fast. Yeah. And so effortlessly. But also with more substance and purpose, I mean, it has really some meaning behind it.

Yeah. You can't stop it if you wanted to at that point. Oh, it's like a second massage is to have in your asshole. Now what's really neat is where I was climbing up some stairs with you to go back to our room and there was a gaggle of young girls, little 12, 13 year old teen robbers. They were not 12, 13. Weren't they? No.

How old are those sluts? No, like 17, 18, 19, like, yeah, they're older teens. They were sluts. Okay. Yeah. They were tall sluts. No, they look, they look tiny. Everyone looks so young to me now.

They're not 12. And they were walking, I climb steps slowly now. So they're like all kind of going past and I let out the biggest fart. I mean, well, and here's what's interesting. Okay. I just wrote it down for topic today because if you recall the Cincinnati fart happened when I was six months pregnant in Cincinnati and what room do we have at 618 or 808? Yeah, we couldn't figure it out and, um, and it came to, it came to my attention that pregnancy

farts for me are more powerful. They smell exactly like what I have just eaten. I, um, I had some broccoli and, and beef stew. I farted like an hour later. It smelled exactly like the beef stew and the broccoli. It was so crazy, pretty intense for you. And so I allowed that tremendous fart on the stairs and I was like, this is one of the nice things about being pregnant is the volume, the ferocity, the, there's probably people

that had they really heard and seeing you do that would have been like that poor woman gets so much empathy as a, you know, you think they take mercy on, oh, definitely. Like if I had done it, they'd be like, look at that pig just sitting there farting like that. They'd have been like, oh, that, that nice late. They have no idea what a savage you are. No idea. No.

That's the best part about being a lady is that nobody knows it's, it's my secret. Yeah. It's your secret. F-A-R-T. F-A-R-T. F-A-R-T. No, that was great. And then here's the other thing that we, uh, so we're at this, we're at a nice place,

you know, it's our one night out, uh, for like, I don't know, the month or two. And we never go out to dinner anymore. Like we're in bed by eight o'clock watching TV. Like dinner doesn't happen. So make a reservation at a nice restaurant, a really nice restaurant. And we eat at five. And we look at the menu and we're like, it's going to be a great meal. And then, especially because you're pregnant, cause I actually, I, I follow the lead a lot.

Like I'm, I try to be a good boy, but if there's a pregnant woman eating and saying, I can only resist so much. Yeah. And so it's like, there's a few hours and you're like, well, I got to eat something. Like I need a snack. Yeah. I can't, I could, we had a good two, two hours and 45 minutes before our dinner reservation. At this point.

Here's the thing. We usually dinner late at five with our kid. And our dinner reservation was for seven 45, which is for me. That's pajamas at bedtime. Right. So five, you're like, you're like, oh, I got to wait almost three hours. Can't do it. You got to order something.

Yeah. So we pull up the room, the in-room dining menu and we start ordering. Beets, salad, cheese, calla smarties. And then what was the other thing? Oh, the chips and guac. That's always the nail in the coffin. Yeah. That was bad.

I mean, it was good. They bring it up and then you start just picking and they brought cookies too. Yeah. No, they brought a whole thing of different cookies. I know. What the fuck is this? So hungry. Oh, just welcome.

This is just a gift from the staff. Oh my God. Yeah. I just, I don't know. All of a sudden I'm looking at you. I'm like, I'm supposed to have dinner in an hour and you're like, yeah, I don't know. I think we're going to skip appetizers and like, yeah, I think we just did it. Yeah.

I ended up being a great meal that we only ate half of when I ordered dinner. Like I was like, I was like, nope. He's like, it's not that big. I go, it's fine. Yeah. I never do that. I was like, no, no, it's good. We're such idiots.

And that's such a nice place. And we never really go out tonight. We don't go to nice places anymore. And like, we totally blew it dude. We blew it on calamari and chips and salsa and our chips and guac. It still was a fun night though. Super fun. And I was like, dude, I got faded.

You did get faded, huh? Oh yeah. Of course. What did you drink? I drank, oh, I tried one of their signature cocktails. I didn't even know that. And then I had a glass of wine after that. Crazy.

You're a rip, bro. I'd be carried back to the room. Sure. Sure. You know what's so funny to you and I are, this is why we're married and we've been together for so long, is that we both like the same things, which is laying down and then eating. Yeah. Well, it makes for a good relationship.

Watching stuff, farting, laughing. You gotta be into the same stuff, man. Pet and dogs, you know what I mean. This is something I want you to think about since we're going to have another baby soon. Okay. Also making use today, a bit of a stink over baby nappies. A sexuality expert claims parents must ask permission before changing their child's nappy. Nappy, of course, is a didi.

Yeah, it's a foreigner word for it. Yeah. That's what the Australians say. So it's the idea that we should ask this child to be about for consent to change. Deanne Carson believes consent must be given by the child before their dirty nappy is removed. Here she is on the ABC suggesting how to go about it. I'm going to change your nappy now. Is that okay?

Of course, the baby's not going to respond. Yes, mom, that's awesome. I'd love to have my nappy changed, but if you leave a space and wait for body language and wait to make eye contact, then you're letting that child know that their response matters. Leaving letting that child run away from the change table is what we're doing. That's right. That's right. That's right.

That's what I was going to say. That's such, what's going on in this world? What a dipshit. What the fuck is happening? You know, what's wrong is that people don't think there's objective reality anymore, everybody's living in their own version of it, and so whatever you say is right, it doesn't matter, there's no objective shit happening. The thing is, this woman had it right on the head, you ever try to change a diaper on a

screaming infant who's wet and miserable? First of all, they never give consent. No. One out of 10, like half the time when a kid can't even respond, they're usually like, no, no. And you're like, you have shit on you. Well, this morning, yeah, it takes 10 minutes just to wrangle the toddler and to convince him to stop playing for five seconds.

Yes. It's a fucking nightmare, man. And an infant, someone who can't even really talk, respond. My God. That is the dumbest thing I've ever fucking heard. Imagine having a fucking eight-week-old. Is it okay with you? It's dumb, bitch, and I have never had a kid in her life, this stupid bitch.

And not surprisingly, it's caused quite a stir. Sam Slime, in the concept, has left lunacy and his cousin has defended her comments saying, the idea around consent is about empowering children with their rights and protecting them from sexual abuse. Oh, okay. Well, here's the thing. You just tell the kid, mommy and daddy change your day-dye, yeah, and nobody else. That's it.

Or if someone touches your, why can't you just have a conversation with your kid, is what I'm saying. Isn't she talking about, like, kids that can't speak, though, she's talking about babies. I've got a 16-month-old, you do two photo. It's cuckoo. It's ridiculous. I actually can see her point. Oh, okay.

Oh, God. Well, my little girl, Pearl, says no, every single time. There you go. Every single time. You're not respecting her consent, are you? I know. I like these two. I know, yeah.

Yeah, of course. The Aussies keep it real, man. Yeah. Oh, no. Yeah, you're not respecting her consent. Change that baby's nappy. Well, then I guess diaper changing is a sexual event. Is that what they're saying?

I don't know. I'm going to change your nappy now. Is that okay? Is that okay? I mean, you're not touch, you know what I mean? It's not a sexual, I understand the kind of the logic of, like, can I pull your pants down, essentially, and do the, you know, wipe you up, but... You know what?

This is a... I mean... It's madness. It's absolutely madness that you would think to ask a baby for consent to, I mean, the fact that we're even having this conversation is madness. Yeah. Well, I'll tell you what else is insanity. Remember that gender, was it Holland?

And she was asking the two-year-old what gender the two-year-old felt that day? Yeah. And it's like, the kid doesn't even understand the fucking question. Do you know what I'm saying? And it's like, they're not even thinking that way yet. It's not even... It's not happening. I'll tell you who's not into giving consent for a couple, a number of the things they

do. Let me show you this gentleman. After one of his fights in prison. Yes. I did a guy so bad, I took his blood, you know what I'm saying, and just I'm going to feel like this here. You know what I'm saying? I said, dark side!

And it went from there, man. Yeah. It went from there. Sure. Dark side became well-known. I was like a living legend. Dark side, respect everybody, unless everybody, you know, about to disrespect the dark side. That's the dark side.

You know what I'm saying? Get crazy. So he's got his own alter ego. Good for him. I mean, I can't say I wouldn't try to do the same in prison. Well, why don't you hear a little bit more about what dark side does? Kelly says when others cross him, he will not only hurt them, but humiliate them as well.

We warn you, his description is disturbing. I told disrespect him, you know what I'm saying? I told disrespect him. I'm like, put my bullet, kick him in the butt hole, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. And when I knock him out, you know what I'm saying? I take my fingers out. You know what I'm saying?

Put it out the butt. You know what I'm saying? Put it out everybody. Don't mess with me. You know what I'm saying? I thought I'd get in physical contact with him because I learned in prison from a 25-year VIP. I seen an old convict.

You know, when he knocked the guy out, you know what I'm saying? He took his fingers stuck in the booty hole. You know what I'm saying? And then he saw that man crazy. That man going to stick his finger in the booty holes and we ain't going to kill him and leave him alone. You know what I'm saying? Put it out.

And that's how I learned it. That's how I learned it from him. It makes sense. It does make sense. It's scary as shit though, right? Yeah. I mean, this guy is terrifying, but that's why that's his signature move. Yeah.

If you fuck with me, I'm going to put my finger in your butt. I'm going to put my finger up your butt if you fuck with me. He's the backside guy. Oh, he's smart. He knows what he's doing. No. It's called marketing. It's called branding, Tom.

Get on board. I don't know, man. It's... That's intense. So he's saying... Nobody fucks with him? No. No one fucks with him.

And you realize that you probably get the warning when you get to that unit. He's like, yeah. Hey, man. And then if you're new, you ask somebody, you're like, that dude showed me his finger. What's that all about? I'm like, well, there's dark side. And he's got a real dark side. He will...

He dorks at it. He'll knock you out. And he'll put his finger up your ass. Just be aware of the thumb. If you get on his backside, he'll disgrace you. He'll slaughter your name. It don't matter what you do, he's going to get you. Love it.

Love this guy. Don't take me. Don't take me. Don't take me. I mean, look, you got to credit this guy for some creativity here. He's got a great hook. He's got a great way of protecting himself. I mean, he's kind of brilliant.

I think this is brilliant. Really? Dude, if you are in prison with all these fucking hard dudes and you got them all afraid of you, because you're going to shove your finger in their butts, it's brilliant. I feel like he would just be giving his idea to all these other guys though. I mean, what's to stop the other guys from being like, oh, that's what I'm going to do So they're both trying to put their fingers in each other's butt when they're fighting? Exactly.

You can't take another inmate's calling card. That's not cool. I mean, what's going to stop you? You're a convict. You're a, you know, remember this? This is also a prison guy. I give him the grease. Yeah.

That guy's terrible. I tell him to put something on his finger. Sticking in his ass and grin. You know what I'm saying? Kind of like fuck yourself. Yeah. That's even scarier though to tell somebody to put their finger in their own ass. Oh, this one's, that one's super menacing.

Yeah. Because you know it's leading to a rape. But fucks. Yeah. All right. Yeah. Yeah. Cause he's like, you got to lubricate yourself so I don't get in trouble.

Wasn't that the reasoning? Yeah. Imagine like. Nice. To fuck yourself. Yeah. Plus I'm honest. Fine.

Sticking his ass. You know what I'm saying? Fuck yourself. Yeah. You're in the stink and then you're done. What are you doing when you're knocked out? Yeah. So it's fine.

Like there's no, no farm. That's not fine. What are you talking about? Well, you're knocked out. You're not going to feel it. Uh, you'll feel it afterwards. It's just a finger or a thumb. You think it doesn't gently?

Well, it's a thumb on a, you know, you're already unconscious. So what? I'm like going to play with nobody. That's why they call me dawg. So I ain't going to play with nobody. You know what I'm saying? It's all survival. It's all survival.

He's got it. He's got it. He's got the right idea this guy. You're a fan of dark side. Hey, man. If I were in prison and if I were smart enough to come up with a hook like that, yeah, I mean this guy's a genius. A genius.

Dark side. A genius. Flip a. Flip. Yeah. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. That's been a while since we've had a montage. Yeah. Super cut.

You know, I'm saying like that. Yeah, that was pretty great. Thanks, Dark Side. It's exciting. God. That would be the worst guy to see on the yard. Oh my gosh. Imagine if you're a cell mate with someone like that.

No. I don't think he has a cell mate. No, I don't think so either. I think they know better than that. They may have had a cellmate,hops. Remember that one and there was that one online? Were you turning up a little bit? There was that one.

Turn on my headphones. Lock up guy. Who, he had a crazy, thank you, it was a Kentucky one. Yeah. He had a crazy mullet and remember he was, he had a really scary stare and he told the story about how he had a cellmate and he didn't like him. Yeah. So he told the warden or the guards like, I don't want to be a cellmate with this guy

anymore. Like get him out of here and then you go, like you don't get to decide that. So he just killed him. Whoa. Then he goes, guess what? I don't have a cellmate anymore. I just decided for you about the party. That's terrifying.

Yeah. Some of these dudes are pretty wild. Gosh. Well, that's why they're locked up. Yeah. What is this? I haven't seen this. Did someone say they discovered a, what is this?

I want to share with you. Oh, in Gastonia, that's really close to where I went to college, North Carolina. This is a poop pile in the neighborhood. Okay. Let's see. Let's see. I'm out here working Gastonia, North Carolina and I know Christina said all these doubts about poop pile by existing and it not being a common thing around here, but this is the

local poop pile here in Gastonia. Wow. The tree is right above us. You can see it's flowery. This is what we do around here. Yeah. Poop. Man.

Thank you. Edwin. It's Targill's day. Nasty as hell. Edwin. But again, I'm not seeing the design that you describe where people put steps on the tree ladder and then there's a, I had a little more ingenuity. So I mean, that just looks like a bunch of sticks and some turds.

Let's switch gears for a second. Thank you Edwin for filming that. A lot of people were excited last week by my try it out video and it ended up leading to a real examination of one bit of dialogue. Yes. This is big. Your mom's house news. Yeah.

Hot debate. We have been examining this. Then I made note of the ridiculous amount of different versions of things people are hearing. They're really, they're really are a lot. Really? Yeah. I wrote them all day.

Oh yeah. Yeah. Let's hear it. Well, first I guess let's, let's replay the audio so people can. Of course. Piss on me. Beat me. Home me now.

Home me now. Home me now. Home me now. So piss on me. Beat me. Piss on me. Beat me. Home me now.

That last bit. Home me now. Really gets to people. Gets to me. Yeah. So here is, I'm going to run through. These are all the ones that were suggested at least a few times. It's a few.

The first one, which was suggested the most actually, is that he's saying, home me out. Because this is after he says, you got a friend, your friend can move in too. Home me out. So he's saying like, home me out to all your friends is what they're saying. Yes. Home me out. Home me out. But then I hear, home me and now.

Right. Home me on out is what they're, some people are saying he's saying. Home me on out. Home me on out. Home me on out. Home me on out. Home me on out. Home me on out.

Home me on out. Yes. Some people heard, help a man out. Oh, okay. Of course, when I say these things, none of them should be heard clearly because he's in this, like he's so fired up. Frantic state. Yeah.

That he's basically tripping over the words. Right. Home me on out. Sorry. Well, no, no. Help a man out. Let me hear again. Help me out.

Home me on out. No. Home me on out. Home me on out. Home me on out. Yeah. Home me on out. Home me on out.

Home me on out. Home me on out. Some people are hearing, hold me down. So it's like piss on me, beat me, hold me down. Oh, let's hear it. Like he's, you know what I mean? Let's hear it. Piss on me, beat me.

Home me on out. No. Home me on out. Home me in and out. Oh, that's interesting. Let's hear it. A lot of people heard. Home me on out.

No. A lot of people heard. No. Hollow me out. In other words. Oh. And they were like, ooh, he's saying hollow me out. Hollow me out.

Maybe. Hollow me out. Let me hear it. Home me on out. I think it's hollow man out. It kept going. Some people heard whole menu, like piss on me, beat me. No.

That, no. He's not that creative. No. The big one that really stood out to me, I'll tell you which one that I still started to believe I was hearing. This one was explained to me by someone is hone me out. And to hone something out means to make a hole bigger. Let's hear it.

Hone me out. Hone me out. Home me on out. No. The only time I saw it, that would be such an advanced word for him. He's not thinking that. What? I threw an effect on it.

That was terrifying. Now, here's what I did right here, okay? So here's what I actually believe to be what he's saying. Sure. Okay. I believe, and this was suggested by a number of people, that he is actually saying, I'm home here now. I'm home right now.

Oh shit, dude. That's it. That one resonates. And here's why. That's it. Moments before he gave out his address. Yeah. That makes sense.

And he's like, I'm home right now. I'm home right now. Like he's saying to come over. I'm home right now. Yeah. You can do those things right now. I agree. Let's hear it again.

I even did an edit where I tried to split up how fast he says it. Home better. Home here now. Home better. Yeah. And it's kind of like, I'm a hot white comeback. Yeah. Like when he steps on it, he's like, I'm home right now.

And he's so hopped up that he can't get the words out fast enough that he's home right now. Now try it. Yeah. Home. Home here now. I'm home here. I'm home here now.

100 percent. I think I agree with this one. Piss on me. Beat me. Home here now. Home here now. I'm home here now. Yeah.

I'm home here now. So you can do those things right now. Yeah. I'm home and I'm here now. Yeah. That's what he's saying. But he. That's what he's saying.

He's too frantic. Yeah. You know. Home here now. Yeah. I'm home here. I'm home here now. And that makes sense actually with his accent.

Right. He wants to say is Piss on me. Beat me. I'm home right now. I'm home right now. Here's my address. Yeah. It makes total sense.

I think that is it. Wow. Home here now. Home here now. Yeah. I'm home. I'm here now. Wow.

Yeah. Can I tell you something? Yeah. I rarely get my mind blown. Like I'm my mind is blown because I would never have heard that. But once you point that out. Yeah. That makes and it makes sense in the context of the other parts of the message.

I was impressed by it. Yeah. I'm home. I'm home right now. What I was almost more impressed by was that as soon as we uploaded last week's podcast. Yeah. Where I shared my version and asked our listeners to share their versions. Oh my God.

Oh my God. It started to come in right away. As you love to fucking fuck good. If you're a black guy and you want to fuck me, you want to move in, you can move in. You gotta fuck me. I need to be fucked a lot, man. You get free food, free rent, everything else, man. There's a deal, man.

Jail. Homeless. You're a thug. You don't want to come in, move in. Your friend can move in too, man. Free rent. You get a lease and a key. Fuck me.

Piss on me. Beat me. You see me? You want to come over today and try it out? Try it out, man. If you're in my building, try it out. You want to fucking piss on me? Try it out.

Man, I'm looking for hardcore guys and we didn't want to do it. I want him to deliver it. I'm a hot white trash condom. Let's fuck. Hey, great job. Wow. Wow. That was Alex.

I won't let them all play out in detail, obviously. I mean. But that was stellar. But yeah, Clay. Hold on. You know what he says? You're in my building. You guys want to fuck good.

Yeah. This is creepy. And the lighting is terrible. The previous guy. Yeah. Terrible lighting. They did it way better than I did with the production value. Yeah.

The chest hair showing. Yeah. The weird background. Fantastic. Great work, guys. Great job. Production value is terrible. Fuck that guy.

You want to fuck me at 23. The crew to get to the building is 1, 2, 8, 7. The key's under the front, Matt. I'm in unit 12. You want to move in? You can move in, man. But I need to get fucked. Fuck you.

That's Clay. What's going on? Yeah, I was just looking for some black females. He swiped it. Fuck you. Fuck you. Good. You know what I'm saying?

All right. If you want to come over. This is an interpretation. There you go. He's got the ribbon on the head. I hadn't seen that. Oh, wow. He's got the ribbon.

What's the ribbon doing? There's that ribbon in the original video. This is Mike. Thanks, Mike. If you want to come over to my house at 24 or whatever, you've got to come over and fuck me. You can fuck a lot, man. This is great.

Okay. I don't care if you're homeless, out of jail, a thug. You just got to fuck me, man, because it ain't going to get fucked a lot, all right? I'm a white, trash piece of shit. You're a big black guy in Brooklyn and you want to fuck me? You can barely see. I know. Take the L train.

Morgan F. Hit me up, man. I'll be out there shaking my little white hole. Ticks on me beating you out, okay? You've got fucking thug friends that fucking also like to fuck me. Bring them over, man. I've got a little white hole that wants to rip and come down. You want to fucking rip my ass? Rip my ass.

That's Dana. Dana took some artistic license on this interpretation. It works. I like it. It works really well. I like it. This is very dark. Beat me.

It's so dark. You can barely see this one. This is hilarious. This is very trash. That guy's looking fuck, fuck good. If you're a hot black guy and you want to fuck me at 23.95, if you're on a moving, moving, moving, man, but you're gonna fuck me. Maybe you fucked a lot, man.

You get free food, free grain, everything else, man. This is great. Man from jail, homeless, or you're a thug. You want to come moving. You're freaking moving. Move into it. You get a lease and a keep. You piss on me.

It's great. You know what I would love to see is a stage version of this, like a really amazing actor doing this. Oh, yeah. It's a vlog. Like get a, like Jeremy Irons, Christopher Walker or somebody really, yeah. Really talented. I mean, these are great.

These are fantastic. You know what you should start doing when guests come in here? We should start having our guests do a cold reading. Do the monologue. Yeah. I think so too. No prep. That shit is so funny.

You'd be watching other people do it now. Yeah. So it's, you see, you really get to see the absurdity of his request and the absurdity of his mind and how sick he is and just how ridiculous the whole thing is, but I think you're right that it's, I'm here, I'm home right now. Home here now. I'm home here now. Yeah.

That's what he's saying. Piss on me, baby. I'm home right now. You can do it right now. Yeah. Come over. Fuck me right now. That makes sense.

Contextually, it does make sense. And he goes, one guy goes, I'm in the, if you're in the building. Yeah. Does he say that? Yeah. He does. Yeah. So he's saying.

He's in my building and try out, try out. Yeah. Yeah. I'm home here. I'm here right now. I'm here right now. Yeah. We're here right now.

Yeah. Yeah. Right? No, I don't think he's in New York. I think it's more like a Midwest. Move in. You can move in. You want to move in?

You can move in. Yeah. I'm here. I'm here right now. I think that's yeah. Well, you're the master. I mean, you lived in these places. I'm looking for hardcore guys.

I'm looking for hardcore guys. If you want to move in, you can move in, but you got to fuck me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's really great. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. It's really crazy. It's from jail homeless or you're a thug. These clips sometimes, you know, you never know when they stop giving. Yeah. And this one has just been a fount of just giving and giving and giving. What a wonderful. What a wonderful.

I wish we had his name. What is the real name? Yeah. I don't know. I think I could live without knowing his name. Oh man. Yeah. Great job.

Thanks for saying those in. Oddly enough, I don't think we got a female submission. Really? What the hell are you saying? Maybe there is. I don't know. I haven't checked. I just let blue bands send them over.

Well, then let this be a call out to everybody. We need a female version of the move in. You can move in. Try it out. Or a clip. Provide us with a new clip of a woman acting completely insane. Oh yeah. Popped up on math and requesting dicks and suckings and stuff.

Yeah. Let's get a woman clip. I mean, if a woman does the video, she's probably a little scared that it's going to be taken kind of seriously. Yeah. You know what I mean? I mean, let's find a new clip. I hear you.

I hear you. I'd like to see them. You can move in. You can move in. You can move in. You can move in. Man, that was great. That was really fun.

That really was. Hey, did we mention? I got to mention real quick. You know, I don't know if you know Cardi B. Yeah. My favorite singer. Of course. I love her.

I love her. Yeah. I make moos. She's got a new album out. Doing really well. She is just killing that. Yeah. Anyway, Bodak Yellow.

It's her big song. That's an old song. That's an old song. She's just, she's doing so well right now. Yeah. Anyway, she and I planned our pregnancies at the same time and she's doing July as well. I didn't realize that. Yeah.

We should, we should give her the heads up. Yeah. I was thinking on Twitter, maybe if you guys could let her know that her baby is due the same time as the famous comedian Christina P. That would be amazing. If you know the way we got Gloria Stephan's attention to talk about. She came on our show. She came on our show.

What if you guys hit Cardi B of so much about the fact that she's due when Christina's due that she's like, yo, who the fuck is Christina P.? Why would I fuck? Because she, yeah, she's got that accent. I be minding my own business and I open my Twitter. Open my Twitter. Yeah. That would be amazing.

Hit it. Who the fuck is your mom's house? Will you tag Cardi B? Please guys. Hey, Cardi B. Should we ask her? No. Did you know?

Cardi B, did you know? Pretty cool. Your due date's the same as Christina P. How cool of you to get pregnant at the same time as she is. I am Cardi B, by the way. Is there a handle? Is there a handle? I am Cardi B.

So hit her up and be like, are you guys going to have your babies in the same room? Yeah. Yeah, just make any reference to Christina being pregnant with her. So just be like, hey, I didn't know that you're giving birth the same time as Christina P.? Yeah. Did you plan to have the baby at the same time as Christina P.? Are you going to have a baby party with Christina P.? Yeah, we're going to do baby showers together.

What's happening? She's on the East Coast. I'm on the West Coast. Let's make it happen. Check out this guy. This is the kind of guy I could see you getting like rolling your eyes at. I think this is on the train or something somewhere. I feel like he's going to let prostitutes pee in my mouth.

Do you hear it from me though? Do you hear it from me? He didn't hear it from me. What's he talking about? He said he lets prostitutes pee in his mouth. So I think he's drunk on a subway or a train or something. Someone's recording. To the front.

To the front. Is he drinking mouth water? I got 800 dollars. And in the morning I'll be broke. And let prostitutes pee in my mouth. This guy? That guy's just reading. Eyes down.

Don't even look. You know what that is? That's big city experience right there. That's when you know that if you go like that, you're inciting. You're going to antagonize. You're going to provoke. He's like, I'm just reading this side. Yeah.

When somebody says shit like that on a train next to you. No. Yeah. You act like you don't hear a fucking thing. And you just record them through your bicycle. Yeah. Yeah. And then in New York.

And then in London. Portland, Oregon. Santa Cruz. And then prostitutes pee in my mouth. And I love it. This clip for me is really about the guy sitting next to him. He's great. Trying not to laugh right now.

That's fantastic. Yeah. He's like, what is my life right now? Santa Cruz. I love prostitutes pee in my mouth. And I love it. Yeah. He started to laugh here.

He started to laugh at the guy next to him. Yeah. That's interesting. Well, would you really need a prostitute for that? To me, that seems like an easy ask the wife or the girlfriend. What? No, it's not. You could ask me to do it.

I'll try it. I'll try it. I'll pee in your mouth and pee on your fucking face. No. That's not something most people ask their... Oh. No. I don't take offense to that.

For me, it's easy peasy. I'm already peeing anyway. Yeah. I wouldn't care. I mean, that's cool of you. But I think most people that are... That's kind of a... Oh, is that not normal?

I mean, it's kind of advanced. I don't think most people... You know, some people are into pee, but most probably people aren't. I'm like, would you pee in my mouth? And they probably wouldn't... I don't think they would just be like, oh, that's a good girlfriend. Also, do you think he has a girlfriend? That's probably what we should lead with.

You think he's just like, yeah, I'll just ask my girlfriend for that. No. I guess, yeah, I guess not. He seems a little drunk too during the day. A little? Yeah. Let's do this fucking hammered. It looks like it's the morning.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Huh. Huh. They call it a golden shower. Was he here for me? He did.

I'm too young to know. I'm only 57. I'm throwing out a hundred and seven. He's really drunk. He's ripped. Yeah, let's see if this says where this was. I don't know if this was not. It just says that he's the guy.

Yeah. I'll let prostitutes pee in my mouth. I like that he announces that. Yeah. Let's let prostitutes pee in my mouth. Yeah. The world is full of colorful people. Yeah.

So you would be like, you're on board if I'm like, I want you to pee in my mouth. I don't give a shit. You know what I'm saying? Like if you're in a relationship with somebody and that's their thing, like that's easy to accommodate. That's not hard. To be honest, that does not intrigue me. Why not?

I've never been into urine. I don't like, I mean, the smell of it. Sterile. I know, but I just, you know, most of the time you smell pee. I don't go like, oh, I smell pee. It's exciting. I'm like, it smells like piss. You know, but it's like that guy, that McAfee guy that's people shit in his mouth.

That's to me different ball game. It is a different ball game. It's a way different ball game. Those people should be put somewhere else. That's mental problems. But my point of bringing that up is just that, you know, the smell. How do you deal with the smell? The pee smell?

Yeah. Let's put things in context. Your pee, this is what the fourth coffee you've had this morning. Second. Yeah. Second. You drink nothing. First of all, the water champ.

Let's look right now. Who's got delicious, clear water on their side of the table? Who's drinking mostly water in a cup. Okay. That's iced coffee. That's your second. And that's a venti. That's not a small.

So the reason your P smells horrendous is because you're not hydrating enough. It smells like a brick of coffee. My P smells great. No. It smells like an entire graph of coffee being poured into a toilet. I'm looking for pussy. If anyone out there, my P doesn't smell a lot because it's pretty clear because I drink a lot of water.

You see? No, I drink a lot of water. No, you don't. Yes, I do. I drink mostly water. Where's your water now liar? I'm just having a coffee. That doesn't mean I don't drink mostly water.

I never see you drink water. I only see you drinking brown coffee. Oh my God. You're such a liar. You're such a psycho liar. I never see it. You cannot be trusted. That's what I know for sure.

P in my mouth. You're a fucking liar. You wouldn't want me to pee in your mouth? No. Nasty as shit. You don't have to drink it. Does he drink it or he just... That's what I'm wondering.

He doesn't drink it though, right? How do you know he doesn't drink it? Does the McAfee guy eat the poo poo or he just... I don't know. We act like I fucking hang out with these guys. You watch the documentary. They don't talk about whether he eats it. No.

Why does nobody ask the pressing questions in these films? I don't know. That's like the biggest question. Do you want to get pissed in your mouth? No. Why? I'm not interested. I've never thought about it.

Why don't you let me pee in your mouth and you can masturbate at the same time? Why not? That's me. But the next time you masturbate, do you mind if I... What did she say? I don't know. Remember that lady? She's like to ask for anolingous.

Do you mind if I... Oh, make out with your butt while you masturbate. You made out with your butt. It's a very specific thing, fetish. Yeah. You want to try it? No. How do you know you won't like it?

I know I won't like it. What part of it do you think you won't like? I know I won't like it. It's too hot. It's weird. Honestly, it's not the smell. It's the temperature. My mouth would freak me out.

Maybe it'll turn you on. I don't think so. You can just bathe. You can roll around in it. Why don't you lay in the tub? Let someone pee in your mouth. Because here's the thing. I'm not averse to having your fluids on me, like obviously, I don't care about that.

I really do think it's the warmth of the pee in my mouth that would make me want to vomit because it's like body temperature, except your pee's really hot actually. I think your pee is like 105 degrees because it's so brown and thick. No, it's not. When you guys come, like the four stroke pee, that's because there's no water in it, it's just so chunky. There's like brown chunks come out. You're so full of shit.

No, it's the temperature more than anything. And your pee specifically smells very pungent, very strong. Very strong smell. No, it's not. When I go pee on your pee in the middle of the night and I smell it, it's so dark, it's so brown. No, it's not. The pee is like a brown pool.

No, it's not. It's clear. It's clear as day. That is. Oh, no. It's like fucking pool pee-pee water. Dude, let's go take a pee challenge right now. I'll fucking show you my pee's clear.

Yours is brown. No, it's not. You say stupid shit nonstop and no one calls you on. Of course I say stupid shit. This is your mom's house, babe. This is the platform for stupid shit. Yeah, I drink nothing but water and coffee all day. Okay.

But why does it smell like coffee only? It doesn't. That's what I'm saying. You're a fucking liar. It's so strong. Okay. Ugh. Your pee's mostly red.

Okay. Yeah. Red pee? Yeah. Right now being pregnant? From blood. Yeah. Okay.

That makes no sense, babe. Yeah, it does. No, and I actually, I'll be honest, you scare me with how little water you've been drinking. I'm being totally serious. I see you drinking soda. Okay. I see you drinking alcohol, but I don't see you drinking any water. I'm serious.

Yeah. Okay. Okay. Listen, can I read an email that came in from our friend Matt on these coasts? Sure. He says, the Suns, they were having a family discussion and it's kind of an interesting topic and I definitely think it's appropriate for our show. Okay.

So would you do this? Would you take this offer? It's a modified would you rather? Okay. Okay. From this moment until the end of your life, all, of course I'm fucking blind. All the food you eat will taste like the best version of whatever it is you're eating. So if you're eating pizza, it will taste like the best pizza ever.

Okay. If you're eating snooshers, it's the best snooshy ever, but every time you fart, it will smell 1% worse than the last fart you made with no limit on how smelly your farts will become over time. So once you accept the deal, the next fart you make will be the baseline. Do you make this deal? Why or why not? So thank you, Matt, for submitting this.

Both things happen in this scenario. You get the best food ever. You get the best food ever, but every time you fart, it gets 1% worse than the last time. Take the deal. I mean, who would not take that deal? Well, because your farts are going to be horrendous by the end of your life. It's going to be napalm. Yeah, but it's, who cares?

I mean, it's... Who cares? Well, yeah, it's like... I care. Well, your farts are already bad. Because the thing is good farts, so it's already smells disastrous. You're just saying it's going to smell worse, but you get the best taste ever whenever you eat anything.

I mean, this is an easy one. Yeah, but it's not for me. Here's why. Is that I don't want my food to taste the best ever because then I get fat. Just fucking whatever. Check yourself. Regulate. It's fine.

Yeah, but food tastes even better than it does now. You know, hard it is for me just to maintain. I'm not going to be pregnant, honestly. It's hard. It's hard, but I mean, how could you turn that... He's saying that if you have a bite of a cookie, if you have a piece of pizza... I know. I don't want it to be the best tasting ever because then I'd be the fattest person ever.

No. Yeah. No, you could stop. There's some things you eat now that are amazing. You don't just keep going crazy on them. I guess. I guess. Yeah, you have self-restraint.

Yeah, but 1% worse fart every time is terrible. You won't be able to stew in your own, babe. You won't even be able to sit in your own fart. Yeah, but you'd work out a system. You'd be like, oh, I got a fart coming in. You go outside and you'd run every time you have to fart or something and just let it behind you. Yeah, you'd just be like, I got a fart and then you'd run away from your smell.

Yeah. But what about me? Like, you don't think that would bother me over time? Like you said, I'm outside running away from it. Tell me. Yeah, but that's a lie. Okay, let's be realistic here. You're not going to do that.

I'll just give you a mask. You think I want to sleep with a mask on? You're not going to... It's not for sleep, it's just for the moment when I fart. But here's when your farts mostly happen. At nighttime when we're laying in bed in the middle of the night, mornings, dude, you fart like four in the morning, super loud, and then you think it's the best thing that's ever happened to me and I'm like, I'm all startled and I wake up.

You fart in the morning too, first thing. So what am I supposed to be worried about, that it smells bad? Yes, dude. Do you think I want to smell that fart? Yeah, but I'm getting these great tastes. I don't care about your tastes, I care about your farts. Yeah, but I'm saying that I would take it because I want to have those great tastes and I don't care if it smells a little bit worse every time.

You're going to ruin your marriage. Why would I ruin it? Look how bad your dad's farts smell. Yeah, those are bad. They're really bad. You may have taken up this offer. Somebody may have given him this offer. I mean, his farts smell like this offer.

You know what I'm saying? And that's a life-ruiner. Your dad's farts are just tear. They clear out movie theaters. You would fucking, you would survive. I would survive, but I wouldn't be happy. Well, why would you be unhappy? Because you just smell a little rotten fart every now and then?

Every now and then. My life is your farts. The other day we were in the kitchen and you forced my hand on your underwear as you farted on my hand. Do you think that was nice? I remember that. Yeah, I felt the vibrations. I remember doing the cool one where I played with my butt cheek as I farted.

Yeah, that's neat. I remember that one. Yeah. That was pretty cool. I just feel like I deal with a lot of your farts and for them to smell worser, why worser? Yeah. It's not, it's not cool. For me.

I feel like it's fine. I feel like it's fine. We'll have fun with your second wife. Let's talk about her. We think she's like... I think your second wife is going to be a Dalmatian because second wives usually are... Yeah, we've been studying some second wives. We know some people that are on their second wife.

Like showbiz second wives, you know what I'm saying? The guy gets a little cash, he has a midlife crisis, he dumps the first wife and the kids and the family and then runs off with just the fucking skankiest, dumbest. Yeah, it happens. It happens a lot. Seen it a few times and it's, you know, of course it's admirable, everybody goes, that's awesome. But yeah, I mean, like what, who do you see me with?

How do you see it playing out for me? I definitely think that your second wife is going to be way younger. Oh, let's start with like age. We're going to go... Yeah, yeah. So wait, this happens probably like what, five, six years from now? Yeah, like in your mind, the kids are grown. They're like 5, 7, yeah, yeah, they're fine.

They're fine, they're doing great in elementary school and then you, you know, your big movie star, big celebrity and you're one of your all new co-stars. She just turned 20. She's like the new hot. 20. She's 20. She's 19. She's 20 years younger than me.

Okay. And blonde, I know you like blondes and just really not demanding, like not smart. That's, all right. That's like the key. The key to it from what I've seen on these, these second wives, a lot, a lot less of this. A lot less talking. A lot less chatting, a lot less opinions. No opinions.

No things you have to do today. No. You know, there's no... No errands. Schedule or... Chores. Chores. And that's what I think that these, the midlife guy goes towards.

Yes. It's like, oh, this is great. Then he sometimes has to remember that then there's going to be no opinions. No opinions. No, no conversations that are going to be decent. Right. She's got to say stuff like, wow, babe. We call you babe a lot.

Baby. Oh my God, baby. I love this. A lot of hair extensions, big, fake tits. And she's just going to say things like... She doesn't have to have big, fake tits though, right? She does. She's the second wife.

They all do. They all have second... I think, don't they? I don't think so. They're just, you know, wow, babe. This is awesome. Like those are the phrases you're going to hear a lot of. Oh my God.

Yeah. Yeah. Wow, babe. Oh, I love you, babe. I love a lot of, yeah, Dalmatian talk. Yeah. The second wife has to be way dumber than the first. Oh, definitely.

That's part of what you're looking for. Yeah. Way less qualified as a human. Right. Like just like a stupid girl. And she's just like, your kids are so cute. Yeah. Just tell me how cute my kids are.

Yeah. I love it. Like this feels more a girlfriend than a wife though. No, that's the point. See, that's the thing is that it should be just a girlfriend. But I marry her anyway. Yeah. And then what?

No, you love it because you've had the first wife who's all these, you know, words, words, words, ideas, orders, and you're so over it and upset that like the Dalmatians are relief because you can just do what you want. Come and go as you please. You are singing to me right now and I love it. When, how do you prevent this from happening because it sounds like just. How do I prevent? I don't know.

You got to tell me. I don't know. It's just, it's great. I don't. 20. Yeah. Blunt. Big tits.

Big tits. Stupid. It's all get out. And, and like my kids spent a lot of time with her and they love her. Oh, that's the other part. That's the thing. Yeah. Because she's, she's her same age.

Like emotionally, she's about the same level. She's like, I got, I got them slime. We did a slime party and I'm like, what's a slime party? All the kids are doing it and she rented out a room at the Chuck E. Cheese or whatever the fuck. And we all had slime party and she's the coolest. I'll be like, cause she knows all this stuff. Cause she's a fucking teenager.

Mom, mom, mom. Shandy said that. Shandy. That's such a horse name. Shandy. Yeah. Shandy. Yeah.

Awesome. Shandy. Shandy let me get hair extensions. Shandy took me to the salon and I got fake nails. Shandy got me a mohawk. Yeah. No, no. Shandy, Shandy will get them acrylic nails when they're like seven.

My boys. Oh, that's right. You know what I'm saying? She wanted, she want to whore out your daughters if you had daughters, spoil them, let them do what they want. And you have to hear about how great Shandy is. You just, you think you would just tolerate it? Oh my God.

No, I would go to a mental hospital. Like I would, if you did that shit to me and my family, I would just be institutionalized. I think they would just give up. Oh my God. It's even more exciting. How do I get this done? This is great. I would just be, I would be a shell if you did this to me.

Oh my God. So what's second husband like usually? Second husband is usually. No, women shut it down. I think women, if you, if you had this happen to you, sometimes, here's a good, goes two ways. The 50 year old woman just either shuts it down like Jane Fonda. She's older than that.

50, but. Oh, she's like 75. Yeah. She just came out and she was like, I shut it down. Like women go the other way where they're like, I'm over it. I'm never getting married again. Yeah. I don't need a vagina.

I'm fine. I'm in menopause. I'm having hot flashes or they go hypersexual and they're like, I'm going to adult con this weekend. I'm going to touch vibrators and I'm a milf guys and they really advertise themselves as a milf. Maybe you do that. Maybe you start a new site.

Yeah. What, what, from fartmistress, I just convert it to Christina gilf.com. Yeah. Guilf. I'm not a grandma. You're going to be. At some point. God, no but then I have to lose like 50 pounds and get Lypo and fix my tits.

All right. If you want to go to the hypersexual and then I go hypersexual, too much work. I know you'd be like, I want to do all that shit. I am so lazy. Yeah, you'd be like, no, no, no, no, shut it down. Shut that down. But then, you know, I'd find some like age gap love shit. You would some 28 year old loser, you know, playing the video games.

He be your companion. Yeah. And I would just take care of him. That's the equivalent. Babe, the Dalmatian wife. That's it. I can't see you going that route. I might.

I mean, what if the video game guy, well, I'm not for you. I'm the breadwinner and he's just like, I play video. You would not like that. That's not your type. Well, do you think you would like the Dalmatian wife? Of course. I'm talking about something more reasonable for you. Of course I want the Dalmatian wife, but that's not, that's six years away.

Babe, you would not be able to tolerate six years away. How stupid she is because she would say dumb things. That's true. Oh my God. Oh my God. She's so embarrassing. Yeah. I would have like dinners, but I'd be like, no, it's just going to be me and my friends.

But it would be other couples. They'd be like, where's your Dalmatian? I'm like, oh, she had choir practice. But you know your other friends would talk so much shit about your Dalmatian wife. Oh my God. Of course. Oh my God. It would never.

I would go to gossip things. Of course. Have you seen Tom's new wife? Oh my God. She's so dumb. She's so dumb. Christina was so much smarter than her. Oh my God.

Yeah, but then Burr would jump in. Oh my God. Push, go pick this. Yeah. No, I know. It would be a lot. Damn. You know, I might get into some like real kinky stuff next.

You know, this is something, I don't know how much I could tolerate at this. This is so weird to me that people really do this. In the words of Peter Pan, I never want to grow up. Okay, put it on the fridge. Hooray. I'm a little and he's my daddy. We end. I'm going to vomit on this.

I think it's so weird to me. I don't like it. So this woman likes to be baby. She's a grown woman. Yeah. Likes to be treated like a baby and he pretends to be her dad. Okay, this is definitely for Dr. Drew. Here's what strikes me even more besides the obvious is that we're actually with a toddler

all the time. So the fact that this is somebody's choice to be like this is really stands out as stupid. Stupid or damaged because I think what happened is so much trauma, like I bet you this one is sexual trauma and she needs to regress or something to feel okay because she's not embracing adult sexual. This is why, you know, those porno girls have really high voice and they're talking baby talk. That's sexual molestation.

The other thing, how does this guy bang her because, you know, he's talking to her like a baby all the time, you know, and then you're going to, he's like, he's like, okay, we read our book. You ready to go to sleep now, boo boo? And then she's like, I want to fuck. It's like, that's really. Do they have intercourse? I don't know.

Let's get through it. I think there's somebody who moved Emily and already crumbling through the power dreary air. Oh God. Peppa and Emily, Elf and Light to share their toys with each other. My name is Max and I'm 20, but not really because I'm five. Oh boy. My name is Johnny and I'm 31.

Oh see. There you go. Right. Just to start. So he is 11 years older than her. Yeah. I don't mind taking on, I guess, the paternal role. You know what always stands out to me about something like this is the effort.

The amount of effort I would be like, am I talking to you like you're a fucking baby right now again? It's exhausting. Yeah. I could do this. You know, I could do this for a date. Like if I went out with someone, they're like, talk to me like a baby or something. I'm like, all right.

But then at the end of the day, I'd be like, there's no way I could do this again. I don't even think I could last a date. This is so wackadoo. I mean, this chick's got so many fucking metal problems and so does he, but maybe he likes the dependency of it. She's totally, you know, a baby. It's so sick. Yeah.

Yeah. You want to go to the park? Because you're off on a daddy baby date. Daddy baby. That's a good jacket on. And shoes. Out of her shoes. Oh my god.

Also, I want to take Moana. Oh my god. So he's got to be like, you have your shoes, you know we got to go out with shoes. Yeah. She needs to do that. She can't put them on. She needs her daddy. So somehow.

3DLG by definition is Daddy Dome Little Girl and it is a subsection of BDSM, which is a part of Kink. I was just discovering things about the community, learning a bit more about it. I decided to try it out and I've just loved it ever since. It's just... Wow. I'm a pizza. Try it out.

So this grinds or crank. This really gets her going. This is a sexual. Yes, you know, I'd like to encourage people to find out what they like. I gotta tell you, this I don't, the adult baby diaper thing, I don't get either. I don't understand what the turn on is about being an infant or acting. It's really, that's your wires across, man. It's some fucking wire across shit.

There are a lot of people in the community that do this sexually and I'm not one of those people. Oh, thank god. This is a completely non-sexual lifestyle for me. Oh, thank god. Okay. So now that that's more... I think that she does fuck, but only when she's out of care.

Thank god. You know what I mean? I think the role, I understand the role playing, maybe she's healing some childhood trauma or something, but the fucking the five girls are a big... I think it's just so funny to be the guy and have like, how's your girlfriend? Good. What do you guys do for fun? Well, she pretends to be five.

We go to the park. Yeah. We do Play-Doh. A little Max first told me that she was under this lifestyle. She had shown me the videos that she was watching and she showed me a sippy. Right now, I'm showing her how to count and we're going over the alphabet. You're like, what? Yeah.

Push her on the swings. There's a teeter-totter. I mean... She could spell her name. She could spell my name. She could spell the dog's name. Yeah. We're really in a Thomas the train right now.

She can count all the way to 10 and back. Is your girlfriend? Yeah. She likes Peppa the pig. I saw that. Yeah. That's a good one. She was watching and she showed me a sippy cup and that she was eating these baby snacks

and I think that's when we had the conversation about it. Look at this fucking asshole. Yeah, he's nice though. Look at his Cosby sweater and his earplugs and his ears and all this. But he's a nice guy. Is he a nice guy? For doing this? To hear this psycho?

I think so. What's his deal? He looked down on more hardcore versions of the DDLG subset but for a lot of people it's non-sexual. And like for us it's non-sexual. Did you imagine seeing this shit in public? I know. It's nuts.

Doesn't it just show you that really is someone for everyone though? There is man. It's the internet. How lucky that she found him I would say. Luck. Because most guys if she was dating and she was like, I learned blue sky blue and there's a square. What the fuck are you doing right now?

Come wipe me. Yeah, I mean this is like other level, could you imagine I would love to see these two playing in the park. I'm like, what is happening? How weird must it get? She said that a lot of people in this lifestyle do a sexual play on this. Yeah, that's what I'm wondering what the deal is there. That's real.

I don't know. That's trauma. That's me right there. You're re-enacting the trauma. Oh fuck. I mean there's no way this is true. I'm little a lot of the time, especially when we're at home, when we're just relaxing and I'm with him.

I'm little when I want to be. I'm little when it's right to be, but of course it's not something that like I can't control. She's pretty smart. If we're out in public, you know. I don't just randomly like shout daddy because that's involving other people and something that they didn't expect to. So she's smart.

She understands boundaries. She understands indoor, outdoor. This really is fun for her. You know what? Now that I see her, she seems rational and this brings her joy, then good for her. But she definitely needs to make an appointment with a therapist and get on that. She really likes pretending to be a little girl. My dog, my daddy, takes care of me, but I also take care of him.

We take care of each other and I think having that nurturing aspect to the relationship really makes it strong. Kiss. Kiss. Okay. You know. This could be a wife number two. Oh boy.

It is. It's the same thing. Yeah. For me? Basically. You know. Dependent. Dum, dum.

No, this chick needs serious mental counseling. See if she's still into this. Anything that just like going to a shrink once a week, twice a week maybe for her would just do wonders. Yeah. I think getting, I think this discussion would, yeah. She needs some professional help. Help her out a lot.

Yeah. I have an extensive list of rules, but the main ones are no tantrums, no saying no. And those are the two that I'm not that great at. If I break a rule, then I get timeouts. I just have to sit here in the corner and stare at the wall and do nothing. Yeah. What the fuck is this all about? What's going on?

Oh, how are you doing this? What the fuck is going on? It's right. But hey, you know what? It sounds like she's a pretty rational human and she knows, hey, this is my fun time. I have boundaries and I do this in the house and, you know. To try and explain this lifestyle in terms of a little, this lifestyle is kind of like a coloring book where she hands me the lines and I can just fill them in with whatever

color I want. Oh boy. About equal. Yeah. Why is it five and she's still drinking out of a sippy? Yeah, get on your advanced sippy stuff. Well she can drink out of a cup by now. At five?

Yeah. Alice has the same exact sippy. He stopped that one. He stopped this, yeah, to go to school. I mean, they let you bring that in preschool. I am so vulnerable and so open in little space that that's where I want to keep it. Like it's a safe place and it's a place that we share together. A safe place.

You have fun today? She's a good boy. Jesus Christ. The best found in the world. The most fun ever. The most fun ever. That would wear on me quickly. So quickly.

Even right now. I know. When she said like, eh, wear on me. Like, hey, can you stop doing that? I'd be so bad at being. But that's also the time we live in. This whole safe place horseshit. This is my safe place.

I think it'd be what fucking weirds I want. What is wrong with these motherfuckers, dude? I don't have fucking decency anymore. You know what I'm saying? Can't we just go back to repressing our desires like a normal society and be contributing members, just repress this shit and go do something else with your life? It's good advice. You know what I mean?

Go contribute to society. It's good advice. Repressed desires are good because they make you, you sublimate them through other things. This I know you're going to get a kick out of it. Go fucking win a Nobel Prize, you psycho. You're going to have some thoughts. I'm so hungry. All right.

Go ahead and I'll read this. So hungry. I'll read this to you. This is an email that came in. Hey, moms, I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years and as he is getting more comfortable with me, he's also getting grosser. About one year into dating, we went on a two week long trip. A few days into the trip, I noticed that he hadn't taken a shower yet and he insisted

that he showered after I'd fallen asleep. I believed him at first, but as the first week went by, I noticed none of the hotel towels were moving from where I'd got put them and the shampoo and soap hadn't moved. The next week, he got a really bad sunburn and use that as an excuse to not shower for the rest of the trip. Turns out he didn't shower for a month. Fast forward to a year later, we now live together and he was showering every few days at first, but now he just washes his hair and his junk, maybe once every two weeks.

I confront him about it all the time and tell him that he smells like dirty skin, but he just laughs about it. I've tried to get him to shower with me, but he always makes up an excuse. Also he has the same bottle of soap in the shower since I first met him. I worry that I'm starting to not notice the smell and that our whole apartment smells like him. He is also an athlete, so that makes it extra gross. Do you have any suggestions to help me make him shower?

Also, what is the longest you have gone without showering and what is an acceptable amount of time to go without one? I can't go two days. Thanks for taking the time to read this. Love the show. Hannah. I mean, do you want to start? Well, I mean, obviously there is probably some root issue involved in this being something

for him. This does, most people do shower that are normal, healthy, functioning, involved in society. Not five-year-olds? Yeah. So, you know, there might be something tied to this guy's childhood, some experience. Oh, I might go even something more basic. I had a roommate in college that had severe skin psoriasis or eczema or some kind of skin

condition. And so, showering for him was rare as well because it would aggravate the skin condition. So he might have like a medical, I don't know. But she would pick up on that, I think. To just be adverse to taking showers, it's definitely unusual, especially someone that works out a lot. Yeah, this is a psychological issue, too. I think something's wrong.

Yeah, because I mean, that's one of the main things, I mean, I'm going to go to the gym here in a minute and it's like, you come back and you're soaking wet. And yeah, sometimes you get distracted and it starts to dry, but you feel that dry sweat on you. Ew. Ew. You know what? I shower every day, no matter how horrible I feel.

I think the only times I've ever skipped is when I've been really ill with like a fever. Even when I gave birth, I think I showered the next day. I've been very sick in just a couple of days. Two, but two. In bed. Sick, sick. Sick. With like a viral or bacterial infection or something vomiting and you're just like, and

you know, if you have shakes because you, you know, your temperature is swinging a couple days, but being healthy, I mean, the longest would be skipping a day because of, yeah, because of whatever scenario, you know, a day, a day. But I am so fanatic about my body smelling clean and feeling fresh. I just feel greasy and oily. I love the post clean feeling. That's the best. A lot of times I'll, I've gone through, you know, a lot of times I shower right before

bed. If I have a long day, it's like I'm about to get in bed. I'm like, no, I'm gonna shower first, shower, then get in bed. Feels good. Feels good. Yeah. I mean, listen, I don't know how this isn't a deal breaker for this woman sexually. Oh my God.

Because you, just as a partner, I think as a courtesy, like his dick and balls can't smell great. He said he does it once every two weeks. Yeah. And not only that, it's, it can give you infections to UTIs, you know, they're not new together this couple of years. I would sit down. I'm serious.

I would go for this and I would say, look, you know, I, you know, I love you, you know, I'm with you. Yeah. Let's just talk about it. Yeah. Why? Just straight up. Yeah.

Let's talk about what's going on. And he's going to be like, wait, what? Let's just be straight up about it. Tell me so that I know what is your aversion to showers, like what's going on? What's going on? And then he, he might be like, no, I'd be like, no, no, no, like we've been together for a couple of years. We live together.

So you know, I'm into you, but I just want to know. And then maybe you get a little bit under the surface. See, but I think sometimes if it is a psychological trauma or some kind of an issue, a lot of people don't even know what that thing is consciously, but the converse, like the conversation starter is going to get something going. Can I tell you, as a woman, what I would do, I think the trick is to get in with dudes is sexual stuff. Be like, look, I love you.

I want to keep fucking you. Yeah. I can't fuck you if your dick smells. Yeah, that's true. I mean, and you can also do the, if, if reason doesn't work, you can lead, like, like basically set up that sex is going to happen. And then he's like, yeah, and they'd be like, but see, that's just going to get it done. No, no, no, no, no.

I'm saying the long-term discussion needs to happen, like you're, excuse me, like you're saying. Yeah. But she needs to maybe make an incentive for him if he's not willing to, because she says she's asked, right? I think she needs to incentivize him a little bit and maybe the sex is. Yeah, I'd want to know. I'd be like, I really want to know what's up.

Sounds horrible. I mean, that, especially if he's exercising, that's really not cool. Yeah. Then again, there are just people who don't shower frequently, who it's their thing. Yeah. I mean, I have relatives who are not big bathers and I'm talking going days and days and days. Yeah.

And I, you know, I don't know if it's- I'm big on that hygiene, man. I, I gotta have it. I can't stand it if my hair is greasy and I'm smelly or like- Oh yeah. I can't, I can't be with someone like that. I mean, think about your, your, your, your asshole and your dick and balls and your vag, like to me, not having a dirty vagina is like, it's just, I can't, I cannot, you

know what I'm saying? Well, dudes too. I mean, we, we know, you know, if you skip a day, what's going on in your ball bag? Yeah. Of course. You run that thumb. Of course. And you go, oh, you can smell it.

You're not stink. Well, of course. I mean, same with women. It's genitals. Hot pocket down there. Yeah. It's just sweats. There's folds.

Yeah. I mean, you gotta get soap in there. You got it. Yeah. You're right. I mean, there's, there's no way she can blow this guy on a regular basis. There's no way. And again, you can get all kinds of infections from somebody who's not hygienic down there.

You know? He's one of those guys. You know, sometimes you're out in public. You're in line at the grocery store and all of a sudden someone walks by and you go like, oh, yeah. And they get that, that BO trail, you know, where you go like this motherfucker. Yes. Yes.

It's so nasty. And they walk around like everything's fine. You piece of shit. So nasty. That's why people wear patchouli. They cover that shit up with that nasty oils and stuff. I hate patchouli. I hate it too.

That's another thing I gotta put out there for wife number two. No patchouli oil. No. Shower all the time. Yeah. But she does that. She's wife number two. You know.

The wife number two's got all kinds of time because she doesn't have a job. Yeah. She doesn't really have hobbies. She just likes to exercise. You know. Another message came in. It's pretty funny. Hey, Jeans, after a busy morning, I took to my car to take a break, reclined my seat

and listened to your mom's house while relaxing. I rolled the window down this beautiful day and I missed listening to an edit of Tom and friends in a gay orgy calling a phone sex line. Remember that prank call? Yeah. I noticed through my rear view window my female boss who was parked behind me taking notice of the ungodly sounds coming from my car. Uh-oh.

Five to 10 seconds of clearly listening to the phone sex call, she got in her car and drove off. I immediately laughed so hard at the thought of her thinking about how I watched gay porn on my breaks. I have since run into her and the incident has yet to be addressed. I want to thank the mommies for now creating this unspeakable tension we shall forever hold between us. Wow.

That's true because that call was really graphic. Really? And long too. Yeah. It was all like, yeah. Fucking come on me. Suck my car. That's pretty funny.

Yeah. That's great. But you got to try to listen, you know, with earbuds, I guess, roll your windows up. Jeez. It says, Jeans, until the day I die, the phrase, try it out, has been forever ruined. Yep. I can't hear without, fuck me, piss on me, and beat me, running through my brains when test driving a new car, getting a new putter, or the first time my wife had me wear this

swaddle cloth with my new son, she asked if I want to, and uttered that damn phrase, I'm now holding my son, all I can hear is a man ask me to piss him on him and beat him. I wonder if it's a first in human history. Love you, Andrew. We have ruined. Try it out. It's ruined for me. It's ruined, yeah.

I mean, I say it, just it'll come out, and then I just, I start laughing. What are you laughing at? I'm like, I'll just try it out. I know. So many phrases are destroyed for us. Yeah. Someone tells me to be careful. I used to be carefree and scratch my ass all the time.

I got a, then I got a pylondial cyst. I apparently scratched and broke the skin a bit and allowed bacteria to get in over time and form a cyst. I couldn't sit down comfortably. I had to have surgery to have it removed and cleaned out. Yeah. Sorry. This is from scratching too hard?

Yeah. Scratching the crack too hard. The crack. Yeah. Yeah. You got to go. He said he did his finger just to the crack, like direct skin skin. Well, yeah.

I actually had one of those when I was 19. Yeah. I had that system. Is it from scratching directly? I got mine from horseback riding. Oh, fuck horses. I went horseback riding and I have a hairy butt and so you're like the whole time you're rubbing, you know, like that.

And then I was like, this hurts and I showed it to a, it's actually a friend's mom who was a nurse. Oh my God. And she was like, you need to go. Where was it on your butt? The top. The very top of the crack. Yeah.

The top of the crack. The middle, like at the very top. Sure. And then I went and the guy was like, oh yeah, you have this thing and a cyst had formed, you know, started to form. Sure. And he was like, it hurts. He was like, yeah, it's cause like it's infected now.

I was like, oh, I was totally scared. He gave me a, what's it called, antibiotic and that night, that night the cyst exploded, but it did it in my sleep. So I just woke up and when I, when I wake up, my buck, my box, it had ruptured and then dried cause it was in my sleep. We're all crusty. What the fuck? And I take them off and there's like dried blood and cyst juice.

How big was the cyst? No, it's just, it's like a little thing. Like a quarter? Yeah. Smaller than that even. Yeah. A nickel. Yeah.

I guess. It was all pus and blood. That's nasty. Super nasty. Yeah. And then that's where you want me to put my mouth. No. Below that.

Yeah. No thanks. Lower. Lower. I mean, what part of you thinks that this is okay? Well, so he's telling you don't scratch so hard. Finger. You know what I'm saying?

Be careful because it's like the same thing as the horseback riding. You know, you can irritate. It's chafing it. Yeah. Sure. Sure. God, that's why I advocate if you've got a butt scratch, just rub your finger over the, your underwear.

Do you know what I'm saying? Go through the, don't go under the underwear. Yeah. Just scratch through your clothing. Why? So what? Wash your underwear. Right?

Sure. Don't touch skin to skin and then your fingers all dirty. So what? Your Chonies get dirty. That's what they're for. Wash them. All right. I got to try it out.

Yeah. We got to try it out. That's it, Gene. What else? You got anything else? No. I think I'm good. I love you.

I love you too. We got to get going. I'm home. I'm going to say I'm home. Home here now. I'm home here now. Piss on me. Beat me.

Home here now. I'm home here. I'm home here now. Piss on me. Beat me. Home here now. I'm home here now. I think that's what he's saying.

Piss on me. Beat me. I'm home here now. Fuck now. I'm home here now. I'm home here now. I'm home here now. I'm home here now.

I'm home here now. I'm home here now. I'm home here now. I think so. I'm home here now. All right. We got to run. Here is the all-time classic song.

Oh my gosh. Oh. And we'll see you next week. Thanks for listening. Don't forget the four stroke gang shirt is in the store. TomSugar.com. It's terrible. Don't buy that shirt.

Piss on me. All right. Don't support Tom in this. Please. Please support me in this. Don't support this lunacy. Bye, Gene. Bye.

That's not bad. Not bad at all. Not bad at all. Not bad at all. Not bad at all.