Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 456-Ari Shaffir-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: July 11, 2018

The great Ari Shaffir AKA Airy Shaeffer returns to the motherland. It's always a treat when the most uncompromising podcaster and comic on earth decides to stop in. As usual, Ari doesn't hold back on anything. He's even transitioning (into a European comic).  This one is full of laughs and HO-LEE S**T moments.   Please support our sponsors:  NewYorker.com/mom SquareSpace.com/mom  

dear near near near Gene yeah, what do you got? November 24th. I'm in man Diego, California doing the house of blues Tickets are moving fast on that one. That's the Thanksgiving weekend when your family is here So go have fun get out of the fucking house December 8th I've added a show at the Gramercy Theater in Jewdork titties. There's now a 1030 show And tickets are moving on that go to Christina P. Online and then pretty soon. I'll be having 2019 stuff up Uh, Brea, California is sold out in August 2nd through 4th

West Palm Beach, Florida the improv there Saturdays sold out. There are still some tickets for Friday, August 24th Salt Lake and New Orleans are gone Second show was added October 4th in Eugene's, Oregon Second show was I think almost gone in Boise, Idaho Ball Sacramento Fresno Bakersfield Roundup October and then I'm doing a little Southern run of fart Myers, Florida

Jack me off Phil Orlando and a Gusta and I finish up with Montclair, New Jersey at the Wellmont a few shows and fill her up Delphia the Miriam Theater and Temecula I'm doing Pachanga November 30th. I think it's come Gusta Didn't think about that, but you as always have a good point Tom cigarette comm hit the tour button for my shows Christina P. Online for

Here You go, buddy. Here it is You like that. Hmm. You're a fan Tom like us He's such a great great broadcasters of Los Angeles radio. Absolutely Our buddy's coming over which buddy Erie the mayor of Jadork titties Coming over here. I know I can't wait to see him in his little curls. Well, we'll be here very shortly We've been friends the airy for a long time. Harry's been our guy a long time

Erie Schaefer now. He's all East Coast airy East Coast airy What a strange ranger I can't wait to hear what he's been up to definitely got a weird something going on What's going on? Well, let's start this show. Let's get into it. Sure. Sure. I think sure. Sure. Play with our genes Do anything for a buck Horny board housewives are waiting for you watch these bitches be a newly destroyed big black cocks How do they do it? Who is Randy don't bring anyone loving to this With Tom Sakura

Christina I Made such a dad face like you are like a dad playing a guitar. I was jamming out with because Lou Reed We do I do I don't hate him, but Yeah, I love the velvet underground I like we read you were affected when he died, right? I was cuz I I like the velvet underground more than I liked his Independent stuff. Yeah, but when he died, you were very disrespectful. Was I oh you were so disrespectful You were like fuck Lou Reed. I don't know what's up with him. I don't give a

Fucking read my bus driver from the Bronx now You were pretty much like that you're like fuck that guy. I don't like his fucking shit. No, I wasn't you weren't you're very I don't like his fucking shit. I didn't say fucking shit, but you were you're just very like I don't care I don't that sounds more like me Lou Reed. Whatever. I don't care. That sounds like I think because You don't like good things like you don't like right good music right the way I like good stuff So far so far you're we were in the car and there's like two songs in your whole iTunes library that I really like and the rest I'm like, is this real or do they just one you gifted me But you listen to like

Mall music like the shit they play in H&M. That's the shit that's in your iTunes like Rihanna or fucking Like I know a lot of people like Beyonce and I don't I'm I'm ashamed to say I don't I couldn't name Tell me tell me the story again of me not waking up last year You're the worst so our child our infant was crying at 2 30 in the morning Well first the child was crying it in an hour before you 1 30 and I being super super preggers We we sleep upstairs the baby's downstairs, so I was like I don't want to get up go downstairs It's hard for me to lift him at this point. You woke me up. So woke you up on the first cry I was in a fucking deep sleep on that one. You're always in a deep sleep. Okay, yeah, so

I'll throw up and so the second crying fit of crying comes and I Sleep light. I'm immediately awake. The dogs are up. They're like who's crying the whole house is up Except for you. Mm-hmm. You're in a deep snore Deep snore And I can't reach over to touch you because I have that pregnancy pillow that I'm encased in I can't like touch you too far From me. Yeah, and so I'm like Tom Tom

Tom and I keep getting louder and I go Tom Segura Tom Segura Tom Segura and I'm like screaming the dogs are like jumping up and down like freaked out. Yeah, and you're just Sawing away. I'm like, this is un-fucking-believable. I didn't hear a thing. No Because you're in such a coma and thankfully he stopped crying. He put himself back to sleep But I was like, this is well, you know The thing is you get a little adrenaline when you first jump like when I went down at 130 Yeah, you have a little adrenaline to get up out of sleep and Go down to you know to pick up your kid, right? So I went when I went down there

I was like, oh, I remember when I sat in the chair with him. I was like, holy shit, like I'm half asleep right now And he went he he chilled back down pretty easily But when I got back to bed Man That really you're so ridiculous. I was saying it just as crazy I have no recollection of this obviously. No, I know and I was like, I can't believe he's sleeping straight Through it Hoping that maybe you thought I was referring to a different Tom in the room and you're like, that can't be me

That's not my time me So fucking crazy, dude, how you deep you are you're such a deep sleeper But it's good because I get up every hour to pee practically and I'm like, oh, I'm just waking this poor guy up Don't remember fully disrespecting this guy when he died. He did not like him if I how would I do I don't Yana any superfans I think I think what I know I have a somewhat of recollection I think what happened to be fair is that when he died and it's like what's he known for? I was like, oh, I don't care for that but whatever he did. I don't care for so It doesn't walk on the wild side

And I don't I don't hate it. I'm saying I like I don't care for it doesn't affect me No, and therefore his death is like, you know, I'm not happy. He's dead, but I'm just saying like, you know No, you were a little hostile. Yeah, it was a day for you. It was an off day I think maybe you were taking it out on Lou Reed really Yana's out there listening if y'all could reference Said episode and question superfans out there We could dig up that audio blue band and we could replay your reaction to Lou Reed's dad I don't know how this came to us, but this is from oh, you're changing the subject. Just know this this is a Lou Reed Oh, oh, I'm saying I don't know how this this video came to us

But this is a special feature from the thinking triple X DVD featuring Lou Reed very reading various tag lines From trickle triple X movies and advertisements. I don't know why this is in our inbox, but I like it Yeah, you like it. There's no reason for me to read the title of the piece. I love the title. Welcome Lou Welcome Lou pause. Yeah Welcome Lou by Lou Reed. Yeah, welcome Lou by Lou Hey Lou These chicks will do anything for a buck Horny board housewives are waiting for you watch these bitches be a nearly destroyed big black cocks

How do they do it insane penetrations a fucking baseball bat? No bullshit These horny women will do anything. Why be alone Japanese hardcore enemy and can't die art nasty 25,000 xxx by today's best Asian artists these women will moan for you the flesh pussy Titer and better than the real thing and they won't talk back It's real nice when they do the voice over with a toothpick and I was just thinking that that was it's very distracting I mean, you know, you know, it's definitely not enunciating the way you should be with a toothpick in your mouth No, you know who hates toothpick users your dad hates them

Yeah, like since I was a little kid would point out look at this fucking asshole with his fucking toothpick He thinks he's cool. He just had the such disdain this kind of toothpick thing like where it's hanging. Yeah Yeah, hang it out of your mouth. He's a little so stupid picking the food out of his mouth with the fucking toothpick Why why the disdain I would pluralize it the toothpicks. Why do you think you're so upset? I don't know. He must have had some early childhood experience with toothpicks that stuck with him Excuse me, that's pregnant vomiting in my own mouth. Um, I don't know. He he just felt it was very American and very Crass, I think I'm not a big toothpick user. Are you?

No, I mean, I I will if I'm leaving a place as I'm leaving if I feel like I need it and they have them I'll do that for that moment, you know, like if you know, I feel something here, but I'm not always getting toothpicks I feel like they don't really do a job around with them like this fucking jackass There's the disdain there it goes. Yeah, I don't think they do much I feel like they just push the food further in between your teeth level of disrespect for the people that ask Oh, I'm in I'm gonna do a voice over the toothpick in my mouth. I agree. Well, he's Lou Reed man I know but why don't you start chewing gum like I'm gonna do the fucking voice over with chewing gum quiet Hey, you guys like that

It's part of the show schnitzel they got their summer dog haircuts today. Yeah, that's on my Instagram if you want to see It's a week's old by now. Yeah, that's true But they look so stupid we cut their hair short trying to get ahead of the game because uh, she has Christina's this tumor in her belly and we got a Gotta take a big shit Jokey used to have about of I didn't know I was pregnant about that about yeah that show we were watching Well, we just saw I didn't know I was pregnant again. It says I it's called. I still didn't know I still don't know and then I was like no way not again

But didn't you have the job buddy that fucking already went through this? Yeah, the same dumb dumb and now twice this dumb dumb doesn't know but your joke was like I had to take a shit and then what I took shit. It was a baby. It's not how I went something like that I forget the word But then when I went to shit, it wasn't a shit It was a baby Come on me and I shit it out Order now mr. J. Watson of Akron rides. I increased the length of my penis by three inches

In one week Girth by two inches my wife is delighted and so am I with your invaluable product Big fucking african brothers put it to the white bitch in hose What these sluts won't do facial cum shots on our famous cum shake. Yes, that's right. I want it It does sound like slam poetry when he reads these descriptions. No, yeah Looks like if I took the toothpick out he did Yeah, that's interesting. He made a good choice there real nice Real nice. You fucking crazy. I already can by the way. I can already tell you that I'll get these butthurt emails now

Louie was my favorite. He's a legend. I liked I hate you disrespect. I liked Louie a lot. I thought I was very sad when he died Yeah, I didn't care. Wow. I can't wait until Skinner dies and you start crying rivers. Who? Leonard Skinner. Why would I cry about that? Well, remember we were pulling up and you were like you had First of all, I've never heard a full Leonard Skinner song in my life. Yeah, you played it for me. What did you play free bird, right? I know the title. No, it's saturday night Okay, yeah Saturday night. No, no, you're like, I don't you know you stupid bitch. No, you've never fucking listened to Skinner No, I was on a shuffle. It's not you're acting like I grew up in the valley

We don't listen to Leonard Skinner in the San Fernando Valley Okay God we're more class than that. It's uh, here's the song Saturday night special Okay, I bought that song after hanging out with joey Diaz Or does he like that for me? Yeah, he played it for me and I bought it. I like the song. I like the way it opened I hate that shit that that shit is like. Yeah, but you think that I would be emotionally affected They are your favorite. You're always playing skin. I don't even know the name of the song You play we part we're parking in driveway remember a couple days ago and you're like this is Leonard Skinner

I know I know what you're saying, but you're saying that I would be affected Yeah, you probably cry because I remember you know every time I hear one of your garbage music like that and you're iTunes you're really really disrespectful with this shit I imagine you in college in south carolina north carolina Same thing and the two and you're you and your friends are sitting in lawn chairs You're drinking your beers and there's like a barbecue and then you're like hey red I turned that skinnered up and then you guys all cheers each other and then you go raping you're Oh my god, hogging. That's what you called it when you go find, you know big chicks

Yeah, and then you bang. Didn't you go hogging? No Who went hogging this kid craig told me about this? I told you the whole story. He said he was going hogging. I was like, what is that? He's like, come on, man You know what hogging is? I don't know. He's like, just go try to find the fattest chick you can find Fucker, you know. Yeah, I was like, whoa, you've never done that. No, of course not No making a game to hunt for Fat chicks. No. That is so rapey, isn't it? It's a douchebag thing to do and this guy was your best friend. No

He's a guy that lived in the dorm. There's a lot of weird fucking people in that place. Oh, really? Yeah in north carolina No, shit. We used to call this one kid. What did we call him? Great. Here we go. We call them like n-word. No, we call them like Something it was something revolting like vomit or something like that was his nickname And he used to sleep on a mattress with no sheet And it had it was just like gray with stains and Just the most just vile really gross people. Yeah

Yeah Pretty gross. There was definitely gross people all over that hall and this guy with his hogging was pretty gross too What I it's so funny. I can't even picture you living in north kakalakos as you say I can't picture you be I don't mean that there's gross people in the carolines. I'm trying to say gross people everywhere Well, yeah, but I was saying specifically my dorm hall. It was just gross people there Yeah, there was this one italian guy. I don't know if I've told the story on this show I don't want to say his name, but he was an italian foreign exchange student on our hall

And one time He woke up in the middle of the night and a friend of ours saw him washing his penis in the men's bathroom And they're like, what are you doing, dude? He's like What are you washing my penis off in the sink? What are you washing your dick off for because he had an erotic kind of wet dream Yeah, and he washes peener off in the All boys bathroom or something. It's weird. I always thought it was weird to have co-ed shitters in um Colleges they do that. Yeah, we had a separate. Yeah, so do we god

See the girl next door being pounded ron Wanted to shoot his wad all over my big boo because I finger myself at the same time Watch the glory hole. These bitches don't care who they suck Tied asses pounded hard wet teens homeless black women That's right beyond that's so awful even for me. Jeez Yeah Homeless black women that was his breaking point. Yeah, that's funny. Yeah, that's what he liked that homeless black women Yeah, he's a racist

We need to boycott lew reed. He's a racist. It's really big black cocks. We're the social justice warrior. Yeah, buzzfeed. Come on Start an article. Let's exhume his body and stab him Stab him for laughing at that. You shouldn't laugh at certain things. No, you should not the you should be told When it's okay to laugh unless not okay to laugh. I believe in that wholeheartedly Guys, are we mocking the black female homeless community? How dare they I mean the privilege that that man has and is unaware of it's just I bet he used a gender specific restroom before he read that too. I know Yeah How dare he

Somebody said they had a a lung infection Ah Mommy's I was listening episode 451 when something big dawned on me. I couldn't believe how big it was My brother wouldn't believe it either He has no neuropathy issues. No He believes me now though It all started when you hitlers began mocking the god-given raw art form of scatting only to turn around And praise the lung infection ramblings of a desert bg

It occurred to me that the desert bg could in fact be scatting according to wikipedia Scatting is a type of vocal music that involves using nonsensical syllables to sing Non-vocal dance tunes in my opinion The desert bg's lung infection Loaded singing is largely if not wholly comprised of nonsensical syllables and non vocal tunes What do you think? Anyway, my mousse soup is ready. Gotta go. Thanks. Zach Hitler Zach, you're you I see your logic. However, it is flawed because we all know that he's trying to sing staying alive Right, it's not nonsense

It's not gibberish. It's his version of staying alive. Yeah, he's saying the words in his mind. He's saying the words Right. He's trying to right scat. There's no agenda. There's no plan That's cute. Yeah, he's Stay be line Stay be line. He just doesn't know the words. Stay be line. Stay be line. Stay be line Stay be line. It's true Well, there you go There it is. Who would you rather hang out with?

The nonuropathy guy. I'm talking like a hang you guys go to a coffee House and you have just a cup of coffee and you have to talk and listen to what this guy says Yeah, it's either the nonuropathy four strokes. Yeah, or the try it out guy Like you have to really talk to him um Or better yet, you're stuck on an airplane and it's a cross country flight and who are you sitting next to try it out or the nonuropathy man

I don't know four stroke. What is this four stroke anthem ever deal man for Somebody gave me a fourth, uh You're not answering my question. No, you're distracted with the soundboard. So answer my fucking question. It's either four stroke guy or try it out Oh, definitely hang out with four stroke guy first. Why definitely you make it sound like it's a no-brainer because it is a no-brainer Why Why

You can tell that four stroke guy Has like a level of politeness to him. He's he makes points like i'm not trying to make you do anything You don't want to do If you don't believe in this don't do it I'm not saying to do it anything. You're not uncomfortable with like he really He has awareness, you know a social awareness if you will he does the The other guy if you've had any kind of erectile Disorder problems. I mean this guy. He's even more articulate. It makes me feel like there's more

You know, but you don't think the tryout guy would be fun because of the rambling No, it's scary. Here's the deal man. I gotta He's way He's way scary. I gotta I gotta have these peanuts, man. I got my freaking out But when he smoked with me he put at his dick I can't believe how big his dick was he jacked off in four strokes and shot the most come he'd ever shot Okay, but here's a problem with this guy the nonarapathy guy Is that I have a feeling he's gonna be fixated on this subject and you're gonna have to hear about the entire flight

Yeah, but the other guy can't get off of it might snap. He's really He's really fucking freaked out, you know, he's freaked out But he might have tangent tangential thoughts and like interesting stuff. He's gross. I think he's pretty gross I think bad things happen when you're around him The tryout guy no fucking way I take the tryout guy. What why don't want to hear about him jacking his dick for four. He's only gonna talk about dick jacks That guy's gonna talk about pissing on him and beating him. It's more interesting than the nonarapathy There's no you're happy no nonarapathy knows the mind is business when it's time. No, you're apathy

The other guy does not Really doesn't Uh God you're disgusting. Tell me that Anyways, do you think he's right? No, I don't think that guy's right. Zach's not right. It's not scatting. No No, he was singing a fucking song because scatting is nonsensical It has no plan or rhythm. It's random But that guy is clearly singing a version of a song. You know what I'm saying scat? There's no agenda

It's like free form that this isn't free form. This guy has a plan. Here's another one. Dear time and christine I got a pee after recently being In a friend's wedding. I received a thank you card from her that ended You are the reason my husband and I started farting in front of each other I managed to accomplish this amazing feat by bringing up my friend's horrible gas To her then boyfriend when I first met him now they consider me the hero of their love story Oh, wow seeing as releasing bottom burps can be an important milestone in relationship I would love to hear about the first time you floated arabisk is in front of each other

Well, we've covered this for sure we covered in the last episode even it says do you think it's possible to go to entire marriage without Letting your mate hear a single boat. I mean, this is literally what we just talked about. Yeah Well, everyone knows the story of me farting in front of you. I don't even remember your first fart proof nor do I Mine was obviously really impressive, but I don't recall but I you know We've been astounded by couples that don't yeah and don't brown We don't brown in front of each other. That's the last boundary. We've maintained really

But we talk about it constantly. We do but we don't actually like browns. We just like yeah No I'll fart but i'm not gonna shit in front of you. I personally look it's not so much about the farting per se I feel like it's an intimacy barrier. Like if you're not farting in front of each other Yeah, like what else are you lying about? There you go. It's like lies to me It's a great thing to bring up to the next person that doesn't want to fart in front of you Are you lying to me right now? It feels like it feels like it's not real. I agree How do you not for like 20 years people hold in a fart? It's nasty. You want to take a quick peachy break?

Yeah, I gotta go sissy. Okay, and we'll wait for airy All right, uh, we did it. It's great. We're back With the one and only you jew motherfucker you Are you here? Thank you for saying that We've been so excited to play that drop all day I was like, why are you pausing? Oh, that's it for hatred It's not hatred

I mean, what's better than that guy? Yeah What is that from that's from good fellas from casino casino. Okay. He's talking to sam russine sam you fucking you jew motherfucker you Fuck me You fuck me fat. So I can't wait for the for the fucking liberal movement to find all scorsese's old movies I'd be like, wait, what? There's so much to boycott. We were just talking about that We played a clip of lou reed reading uh porno descriptions And I can just see the social justice warriors being like well because he laughs zoom his body and stab him

He laughs at one point, right? He laughs at black black homeless women And they were like well now they would just be like, you know Tight asses pound it hard wet teens homeless black women That's beyond that's so awful. And now they'd be like, is it is it awful? Is it is it awful though louis? A woman who's black marginalized by society and homeless is something to laugh at Oh, so we laugh at people getting downtrodden. Okay. I see what you're doing. I see what you're doing that because you're rich You think everyone downtrodden is worse than you. I get it. That's right. That's side Is that something to laugh at we gotta pull all of his albums and ruin his career

I mean, are you are you kind of going like what the fuck with how outrageous that shit is now some of it's like Naughty and it's the pressure that's put on everybody to react the same all the time right guys I've done the because then we'll know what team you're on. I know but it's like It's like normal people have to in silence go I know what happened to the one guy. Okay, people coming people coming. Yeah. Yeah, and pick up your fucking Pick it. Yeah. Well, it's crazy with at least the chris hardwick thing Is that that girl the accuser just wrote like a blog essentially like it wasn't even a vetted Article in a print syndicate. It was like, hey, here's just what I think and then everything's gone. Everything's just gone

His career is everything also. I don't think anything he was did even in her The way she wrote it is sexual assault. It's just like I really want to fuck all the time and it's like, okay Well, no deal for me. She said within two weeks. She was doing everything he said So if I'm to believe that there's this sexual assault, that means he must have a power over there So chris hardwick must be some sort of demon Or a wizard to be able to in two weeks for somebody. Maybe he's a pimp with a long term It's like crazy. It's nuts. Walk away idiot. Whether or not it's it's like it's not even vetted. There's no due process It's just like this girl says it and now we don't know her mental state

I know what her mental state is. She's an actress. They're all morons every one of them even the ones that made it They're all fucking Loopy dipshits some of them are well read because they get a lot of scripts in front of them They are morons. You guys have met actresses actresses. The guy actresses are just as bad Solipsistic garbage. I think everyone's world is just them What about johnny depths thing? Have you read the the recent interviews with him and being broke and I said that to you Oh, yeah, he's broke. That's crazy. What are you what? That's an actor. That's an actor you fucking moron. How are you broke? How are you broke part of a franchise?

He got 30 million a flick for those what the fuck are you talking about broke? No, that's not an option They they have an email in there from him from his business manager to him It's like from when they were obviously still working together. He's like, hey I got to give you a warning. I got to give you a heads up the holidays are coming up I need you to keep your holiday spending within reason and he writes back. Thank you Uh, I appreciate what you're saying, but also What am I supposed to do? It's the holidays Like I have a family people

You know rely on the husband five million dollars. They need boats. I don't know What else to say to you? Um, yeah, and he's like you're going to sell art. If not, what do you want me to sell like eight question marks? What do you want me to sell? Yeah, we're like a child Come on dad. You imagine getting the point. It's like, oh, I need something. Let me pawn It's just a rich version of paunting something to be able to afford something else Picasso if I can sell it I guess oh my lord. I know his his is it really is though like a psychological disorder. I think like legit

Not just a dumb actor. No, no, no because they said, you know, it is compulsive like two million a month and what just bandanas But two million a silly brace about two million dollars a month Wow, I mean we're talking about spending 25 million dollars a year Wow, he's just like not enough. You guys spend like two months, but you know, we both were in, uh, hong kong and bought suits Uh-huh. Uh, I don't know what you spent. I know what I spent. What how much did you spend? I think 300 Okay, he went to singapore. Okay. He dropped 110 grand on suits. Well, see if he had just gone across the water The hong kong could have made a lot less

Not by the way, when I heard it was 300. I was like, what? And tom wrote that it'd be like, yeah, man, this is the guy who worked for Mao Yeah, he's gonna. Fuck you make you a nice suit. It's way less than a thousand Oh, I thought it was like 50 books just to 100 grand on seats No, my favorite is a five million on shooting hunter s. Thompson's ashes into the sky with a cannon Did you hear that one? How much do you spend on that five? Well, they claimed That the article claimed three million and when he was Met with that he goes as bullshit. It was five

To shoot You can just get one of those fucking t-shirt cannons Yeah, you yeah in the space I mean if I'm any type of business owner and giant dev comes to the room and says How do I do this thing that that really hasn't been done much? Can you do that? And I just it my eyes turn to cash signs and I go, yes, it will cost Five A million

It's like try something cost you 250 bucks and he's the guy who's who's definitely like whatever you say He's like, we gotta do it. All right. Yeah Because he also had emails to his manager was a business manager was like, you know We gotta it can't do this. This is your behind on this and he was like I need that house make it happen We have to have this house because he bought like all these properties all over the world. He doesn't need How many houses they were like, can you sell your villa in france that you don't go to? He was like, no

I heard somebody say this Some like rock star It might have been a beetle might have been someone else but someone like that and um He goes, oh it's a rolling stone and he was like don't You have too much of a nut don't have your cost be too high Because then you will have to do things in order to pay for that nut. It's a hundred percent what he does

And he goes now for me. I have Three nice houses one in new york one in la one in london And I have to do some shitty commercials sometimes to pay for it. I don't want to do those things. Yeah Yeah, no, this is uh, it's they it's crazy. How is he broke? He is the guy on like the thing you just talked about it's like getting allowance. He is doing that. He's like They said like the whole thing is always trying to get him to do work

Which he's happy to do Yeah, and he's like i'll make a fuckload of money and we'll be all right and then he'll blow it all immediately Spend it all crazy. That's why you see him also in those like weird um You know When you go to asia too, he's he's everywhere That's all so crazy buying his fucking bullshit, man. Did you get a suit? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wow Yeah, I went to yeah, it was in hong kong. Yeah, it was great

No from roads guy rocky no, but in that pavilion Danny's suit district the suit district. Yeah, you walk out of there with a suit. You like want to see it like I I have what I don't know from my shoulder like come on come on get another suit Oh, but you know what back to the the hardware thing the one thing that's kind of I realize is the difference now in culture is um The the when when you fire someone like when you're done with them That's what they judge you now on is how swiftly yeah and in Absolute and quickly that is done. So it's like it was that day I think uh-huh. It's crazy because I'd like to see what happens. It's not my money

So I can't really tell them but it's I'd like to see what happens of a network Just refuses to comment not says not says which I love it's like hey We've actually been working with this guy. We're friends with this guy for a while Um while we figure this out, uh, if it's if it's right, that's terrible But we believe in this guy. He says no so right now. He's our buddy And if we find out that it's that he's lying then, you know, we'll take actions that we have to but for right now That's been a part of our life for a long time. We're gonna stand with it right We're not just so we hear something stuff and investigate

Instead of just ruin a dude's life without any investigation like at all to be honest That's all I'd want from any network is just to shut your mouth and let me take the heat Let the fucking heat come at the person and not say you can take our job and comedy sensual For all they do good or bad. They are great at just fucking shutting up. Yeah, they don't get they don't get involved in fact when tj had his thing And uh people like comedy sensual canceled the show They put out like oh no, no that was canceled six months ago Don't put this on put this on us. We actually did not get involved

Which is that's great. That's all you got to do. Yeah, just be like don't go to you Yeah, that article is really oh my god. It's it's strange The you know, look, and I'm not questioning the validity of her claims. I'm not questioning Factual whatever but at least for the public's sake, you know, at least if it's in in print They have to vet these people. Oh, no Stupid fucking moron. There has to be some kind of fact finding Flying with this shit What just happened? What you give me a trick glass?

He spilled coffee. Is it hot? No, it's not hot, but I'm gonna stink that coffee. You're gonna stink like shit Oh, well, you gotta fly home with rotten milk on you. Thanks, buddy Yeah, but to not even Explore the claim not even explore that they're right and that she's a sound mind And that this is true. It's just like off, you know, it's McCarthyism. It's a form of uh social McCarthyism accusations enough and I I mean like I Yeah, I'm on the side of like these accusations aren't even of something fireable. I don't know what you're saying from the article Yeah, it's like what she's saying. He's even is like, I don't he pressured you a lot

And by the way, when he says the first thing he said after she had her surgery is going to have sex If he said that in front of your mom The fucking come on guys What's he's a sociopath suddenly if he said it it was a complete joke. Yeah, no, I When I read it because I read it. I'm like, that's funny to say. Yeah It's such a harsh overboard thing to say I'll never forget he said I'm like, oh, come on. Yeah, that was definitely a comedian making a joke to relieve some tension in her room Right. You just had surgery. I think what the problem is is that there's no sense of contact context anymore

It's like you you said the word that nobody likes and now you're in trouble You did the thing that nobody likes and it's like, well, what about context and they're going for like There's tons of ways to interpret anything you say or do. Yeah So what's the worst possible way I could interpret this right and no one what's the worst to me is when comedians don't even look At that and go hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Yeah, can we look at what maybe a positive way? He might have meant that Yeah, like instead of just straight to like how dare you? Yeah, that's fucking horrible. It's scary. It's it's kind of scary It is. Yeah, it is but you know Fuck it, but like it's I don't know where I don't know. You just got to keep your head

But it's also a form of like ultra conservatism. Do you know what I mean? It's no better than being like on the other end of that to be ultra liberal The ultra liberals are out of their fucking minds. Yeah, the far left is they are far left. That's a good way to say They are crazy as shit. Yeah crazy and they're completely without any reason And they don't care and a big reason I think that they act out in this way right now is because the power lies With the other side. So it's like Trump is in office and that's what I'm saying bad daddy and it triggers the shit out of you That's not the only powers the other power source is a group mentality group mob on the internet saying we want this guy

Gone and having it happen that's that's more powerful than Trump is right now He's saying the motivation is because the leadership is so it's saying like we don't have the control Right. So what can we control? Yeah, but you're entrusting that control to not like leaders of that side but to fucking dummies Yeah, normal people who are the same people that would beat you up because you like to fucking Raiders instead of the 49ers But that's a same level of person from sports to fucking politics. It is like really It's really bad the way the like the conduct of of what has become The I mean, obviously both extremes are extremes and they act like complete fucking lunatics The far left would eat their young and they'll do if you don't if you don't respond the way they want you to respond to every situation

That's it. They're they're they're fucking they're down far left when you get your you're Not far left when you get your partner pregnant Um, the number one thing they're hoping for is a trans baby Then the far right the funny thing about the far right is that they they coined The the term snowflake, you know, like that's what they and they're the biggest snowflakes Nobody for sure. Yeah. Yeah, the most sensitive Easily offended. They'll just lash out at you again not sharing a perspective Then they're like, fuck dude, all these people are double standards. Sorry totally. No, they totally are

Comics do that, too It's like they they shit on all these people for for for taking like pride in their victim hood And then they talk about some twitter response to order their jokes for an hour. It's like, all right I fucking get out of it. I feel like I don't exist in the in this world. I feel like I just observe it You know what I mean like Yes, exactly Wait, so you're saying like the other victim comedian that's like doing the whole I this thing happened to me And I'm the victim and then how but then it's how dare you. Oh, yeah. No, not even that. I just mean comics talking about like

I mean you had it with retard You know, it's like at some point like I get back to jokes let people don't don't us also be the one saying But I had it hard because of this. Yeah, because they came at me after this joke It's like let them just go on with it. Go on with it. Yeah, yeah, I guess that's a fun promotion But like if it's a real like how dare they it's like it's fine. Let them Let them let them act out to be angry. Eleanor said this one. It's like people walk walked out of my show I'm like, yeah, Eleanor. You're harsh. You want a couple people walking out or it's too safe Right, you need those people. That's true

They make the rest of the people enjoy. Well, I I try to not engage this For a long time, you know, really for sure. Well, you know, my dad always told me what can't ignore a retard I do Oh my gosh, yeah, I do wonder what the actual numbers are of people that are genuinely offended by things Or I want to ask people like are you okay? I'll I'll stop but let me just tell me the truth Are you offended or are you trying to get offended? Which one is it here? Or do you want who's really that pissed off? Do you want to feel the applause of the people who hear you say that you're offended because then they think of you as

This righteous, yeah Yeah, yeah, when tig goes, I don't know what louis ck was thinking. It's like, well, you could I mean you have his number The better way to find out is not to just do it in interviews. It's just to call the guy Look, what were you thinking when you have a direct path to an answer you fucking phony Fucking climber get the fuck out of here Shut up. What are you inferring? I had no idea. I had no idea the whole time you fucking heard everything we had We heard when you were doing your fucking show with him and getting your show on there fucking bullshit Well now that I know I'm glad my show is canceled. You can always just cancel your own show

You just say I'm not doing my show anymore. Yeah, you have that power. I'm so glad this is now. It's I'm able to fuck shut up Shut up Everyone's a hypocrite. Yeah. Well, yeah, that's interesting, isn't it? I mean I'll go by Janine Garofalo who was like, yeah, I heard we heard about louis I was at that fucking festival We all laughed about it You gots a different time and he's a different person than he was then We heard about it and our response was laughter. That's janine garofalo

Yeah, and now you're being like, how dare you it's like we heard it then during the time that happened We weren't as harsh as you guys are now So like suddenly we're supposed to be mad about something that happened a long time ago You know, it's I'm trying to think of when this started and I'm texting with a friend of mine Who's a professor at university and he says to me today that the students are now asking him to give them trigger warnings in his lectures And asking if they can read their own books because they don't want to read what's being assigned And that some woman wrote an open letter to the dean open letter complaining that he's they were they were assigned to read

Shakespeare and that That that that that is part of rape culture And you go well, how did this get slick where is this is this because of this veal generation this millennial generation raised so So stringently that now they're adults and they don't understand how the Real world functions because their parents have fucking molly coddled them and put helmets on them and made everything safe and secure And now they're in the world and they can't fucking deal. I don't think I think when they get the college I start doing that. I think have you ever done safe space rooms meltdown like that. Oh, is that what they're called? Yeah, yeah safe space rooms. I thought that was alt comedies

There's a high overlap for sure But uh, there's a meltdown was a safe space room for a while. They had it as a safe space room And it was a called that it could it should be the individual shows it got got booked. Yeah, that's the genre almost They have like urban nights. They have safe space. It's like nothing is going to offend you. Yeah, you just can't do anything there I don't even I mean sure it's it's Do you know about as funny as that two hours ago? I guess I'm thinking about his his catalog Chappelle stopped in to meltdown and did like that first round And that's where that like big blog. Oh, yeah blew up came out. She was like, I was there and I was just

I was initially excited to see who I thought was a great comedian, but then you want to hear something funny about that A friend of mine was like, yeah, I was there When he did that, you know, because it's half comics. Yeah, you know, yeah, and he was there. I was there and I was sitting Next to the person who wrote that blog and she was dying laughing the entire time Yeah, and the lady was like, well, hold on How can I get I mean, I used to get that with the amazing racist stuff and people like how dare you and if I if I like actually Right on back like a human. I was like, come on. Come on. Those aren't it's not real. It's fucking calm down

They'd be like, well, I have to admit I I just kind of kind of laughed from the first when I saw it like and then you went to a fucking rage and say You hope I die from from laughing at first. Yeah, so it's all ridiculous Wait, but what were you going to say about the safe space room? Oh, so they do this. What was I going to say about it? They do these spaces. They're fine with me to put on it's just like, I don't know if that's if you're really kind of don't want comedy that Infringes on that at all. It's fine to have those rooms. So college is that safe space room But just know that if I now go to a club, I'm not going to get that. Yeah So like once you're out of here in college, you're gonna it's going to be real world again

But it's okay if you just want a nice fun bubble to like You know, it's kind of silly that they even provide that for you though Because it's not it's not preparing you for the real world at all Well, in other ways it is how so I mean learning how to put put memos on your Boss's desk. It prepares you for like legit things. Well, yeah, but I'm saying it doesn't prepare you the safe spaces That doesn't prepare you. No, it's just a safe environment, which you can learn I guess Yale or Princeton a few years ago. Who's like Like screaming in the professor's face because he suggested something that you know, he's like I'm also supposed to be safe

Yeah, well, that's as a how do you know what's a safe thing and what's not going to trigger somebody? Let's say I one time choked on cookies as a child And you mentioned that you had cookies for lunch and now I'm triggered the fuck up Yeah, I always want to know what the line was what percentage of people had to have been through something before you can Can you talk about murder if someone's been murdered? Can you talk about like what what's not triggering to me? I know a lot of things trigger and it's also like, you know, you might get triggered. I don't know What's triggered that do you mean a memory of something? Emotional yeah an emotional association with something maybe in your past and so I went to see a panorama last year. I went to see uh

Um the festival panorama me and soter went Right from Montreal and and nine-ish nails was playing. I just had a friend hang herself like Three weeks before Yeah, and he started doing hurt and he does it so well and I am Balling just because of the are the lyrics because yeah. Yeah. Yeah everyone Love goes away in the end. Just like it's just so sad and fucking big jay's daughter's right next to me just staring this adult fucking crying with flip flops on and uh but like

Yeah, I guess I was triggered into thinking about people that were important to me and that made me sad But like do you feel that's not so bad? Yeah, like what you're allowed to be true. It's okay to be that It's what you can be right. They're just feelings and they pass and it's like, okay Because everybody wants to feel I think it's also, you know part of this is a generational pushback on the fact that Care about different things. Well, no that the generation before us like our parents Were raised and the whole world was like if you know, I'm yeah, I'm life's not fair This is hurting right now me emotionally. They're like, what are you fucking stupid? Like yeah, that's the word they use stupid Yeah

That's for sure the word that what word did they use or did they use what word? It was like maggot, but different Is the negative like if somebody calls you a maggot? No, but it's true because they you know, they didn't know They never knew to be emotionally aware basically So if you're like Something's bothering you you wouldn't express it. They wouldn't get it out of you They wouldn't coach you through it because they weren't raised like that and then we move into the era where they're like Hey, you can be really in touch With feelings and emotions and then that gets heightened so much to overcompensate for an entire era where nobody did it

It feels like that's almost Kind of well then that's our fault then the gen Xers have raised The millennials the gen we're gen X we were raised by that generation that was like Fuck it soldier on put your head down. Don't talk about your feelings So we fucked up the world basically then because then we raised our kids to be like you need to have feelings That's the safe place. We're a helmet when you're probably just it's an extreme. It's too much. It's too much It's just terrible. By the way, don't call me a gen. I was born in 88. I don't know what you're you're an exer You're on the you're on the last year. That's not not millennial gen X. Yeah, that's nirvana, bro

I'm younger than you. I don't know what you're talking about 79 or 80 is the cutoff Oh, okay, so 84 so that means 84 my ass definitely younger than you. Where are you? What are you? What I was born in 1993 much Hey, check it out. Look what I'm growing out your Jew curls. Yeah, you know, I thought that in there And I was like, that's kind of racist to point out. Yeah. Why are you doing that? I'm doing this hour and then bro Oh for your Jew hour. Yeah, cool. So I'm trying to grow him out a little my girlfriend hates it. She's like, what you have a girlfriend You have a girlfriend. Yeah, wait, how do we not know this Christine?

I know, but I don't want to you know, what I don't know much about her. I don't we just had a very How do you not fucking tell me this? Yeah, it's been a while. How long has it been? I don't even a year Is she a comic? No, what does she do art curator in New York? Yeah You couldn't text me this What am I gonna do fucking joining the conversation and let you guys burn on me? Just fucking send me a message I have a girlfriend. I love her so much give her kisses all the time. I would never ever do that Oh

mg Do you guys are you living together in sin? Okay? First of all the point of all this was look at these Jew curls. Wait. Is she Jewish? No What does she think of it? She really hates it. She thinks they're garbage. Is she crazy? Would she convert for you? No, why would I why would mother convert for me when you guys get married? We're not getting married when the Rebbe marries you with the Rebbe. Yeah Yeah, I used to do that thing where like you you hit your own back, right? So you know And then you tie the box Oh, we did so the tie the box you did we tried to tie the box so tight

This was our what we our badasses We would time so tight that you see how many Periods they would last like the indentation would last once you take them off You have the gulfway who breakfast in first period like check it out. What what? Era were you the most hardcore you think in your belief? Like if somebody would have somebody were to stop you and be like, hey, are you into this? You'd be like the fuck are you asking me like of course? I am yeah Yeah, when I was in Israel in Yeshiva and like how old are you then?

20. Oh, so 20 you're you're diehard diehard. Wow. Yeah diehard pretty that's pretty grown up. Yeah. I mean, I fucking Well, you did all that and you you were convinced that this is your path. I mean, I hadn't really thought about it Yeah, but like and then by what age are you like? No, of course not this is 21. God damn. Yeah during I think after I turned 21 I was really like I think I might be out and then just done Is that the hardest conversation to have with family? Yeah, yeah, probably I remember when I had to tell my dad about being a serial rapist and that was difficult, but this was far far harsher I

Made light of rape there guys some old triggered So wait when you tell him that this is the worst thing to tell him. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, this was it was the hard one I didn't believe him, but he he's not as hardcore As you were at 20, right? He is he is that hardcore about that hardcore. He's he's he's like loosened up a bit Like he does like get a fucking burger if you're around me. They don't curse. I'm sorry. He's but he's like you can get a burger It's okay. Yeah. Yeah, but like Yeah, he's like, why what am I fighting for? You know, people just calm down. Yeah, it's funny. My parents used to I mean, I didn't have anything that was intense is what you were doing

But you know, it was just never a question that you would obviously Go to church right day. Yeah, obviously So whenever I came home from college On sunday, it's like, hey, are you ready to go? Are you ready? Not even like you're coming today, right? Oh, are you ready ready and like and I would just go and then it's like out of college You know Conversations like you gotta get phone calls like are you going to church out there and I'd be like, yeah All the time

I'm gonna lie. Yeah, I didn't want to do the lie anymore But then they came out and I would have to like find a church to go to and And then I had this and it was like Christina would come with me Christine would come with me home We would go and There would be things like

Who'd sleep in let's say when I came home to visit. Yeah, and then it's like, uh You know, they're like, well, you missed the You know the 11 o'clock you can still make yeah, and I'd be like, yeah We're gonna try to go later and then they would kind of check on that. Did you go and I was like, no And then You're like, what am I doing? Can I just say this already? Yeah, then they're never going Well, they did this thing where They would bring it like you're not going to go to church this week or something

I would be like, I don't think so and they're like, okay, and then you loft that see how it played Yeah, see how it plays look at them And then there was the the one when I knew I would I'd actually done it made the leap and that it was Um, like not an issue anymore. Yeah, I mean it was this was years I'm obviously like, you know cutting down the time, but it was just like Sunday and they're like or saturday night and they're like, um I'm gonna pick you up a coffee on the way home from thing tomorrow or like do you want me to bring you a coffee or something? I'll be like, yeah, and they're like, okay, and then no, uh, no mention of it. No guilt

Like they would just show up and be like Got you a common why argue with them. Yeah, I'm like, do you want to go see a movie today? Like they're just not That's a big moment. That's a huge. It makes it so much easier where I was like, I don't have to pretend anymore Yeah, and then now like they used to you know, always be like, are you like my mom not my dad? My mom would be like, are you praying and I was like, yeah And then now she doesn't she doesn't even ask sometimes she'll be like, do you thank god for like all your blessings? I'm like, uh, definitely I definitely never think my agent So but it is funny how I mean

It's really like It does it does it is you feel kind of shitty when when you feel like you're breaking their heart I know it does but then at some point like I just can't do it for you Kevin medium I podcast before you died talking about coming out of the closet at 50 years old And it was like he didn't want to hurt his dad and when his dad died he could come out But it's like she wasted your entire sexual life Yeah for not being free because of offending or hurting them, but it's like what do you die of is it cancer? Uh, I don't know. No, I'm not sure

That was like two years ago. Yeah, you don't know what he died of. I don't know That sounds like AIDS. I assume it's yeah Oh, I don't know. I didn't have AIDS. I think he just died. I don't know what he died of I mean he's fat too Not like huge fat, but like, you know He's been gaining a lot of weight Bert. Yeah Yeah, he called me Yeah, he's like eating so much and I go why he's like I ran that marathon. I go and ate that was so long

I know I go how long you think the afterburn lasts. He's like I know but Um Hold on this is uh, yeah coming out of the closet was hard to my parents But you had to do it to your parents. Yeah. No, I mean about your religion. I'll leave it for you guys And yeah, what are you gonna show me? What are you gonna show me? No, I just saw that he had posted this thing He did that the tour with those guys over the weekend. Oh, yeah, where'd he post? Uh, just like 48, but like Oh my god, look what a piggy is Jesus this little piggy went to heart. I mean, can you see it? It's like that's that's big man

By the way, Kanane and Barkatsi love this picture because they're like, oh, I'm fine Oh, they're like, what am I 150 this? Yeah, I mean he takes up most of the screen. He looks CGI Back is distended and everything. Yeah, it's really It's really sad. It's real big. I mean, he must get out of the chair the way Christina gets out of a chair like pregnant. Yeah, like a belly first and then let the weight push you up Yeah, he's been going hard. I bet if we did the weigh-ins right now, you'd be like, oh, fuck I bet he wouldn't weigh in publicly right now. No, no I asked him about it recently. He was like, it's just bloat. It's bloat. It's bloat from the liquor

And I'm like, so that means if you if you stopped within like a couple days, you'd be back to normal When is the bloat go away? He's I don't know come on subject change Yeah, well, that's the thing is like it is probably uh directly related to that. Yeah, which is directly related to touring Right. Yeah, right. You each in the road. You're never going to stop. He's never gonna stop touring. No, absolutely Yeah, absolutely not. Yeah, by the way, um I know a lot of like like when Ralphie got the stomach staples. Yeah, uh people were like He needs to go see a therapist now some people's not enough to cover up what's wrong with them. Sure. So I think a lot of what's Bert gaining in that weight

Is because of the guilt on those children I mean because he was working out a lot and running and then suddenly he gains weight right about the time He refused to give that Money that he owed to the children. Yeah, it's sad We all donated for him. Yeah, he did That does that the uh Children's Hospital Children's Hospital. Yeah, if you guys want to donate It's uh gofundme.com slash evil burt and uh, we're trying to raise the $10,000 that he said he was going to Now we say I guess now he's saying that that he never even intended to give that money crazy

Yeah, I remember him saying it calling me on and telling me about it. Yeah. Yeah Uh, wait, what are you doing? Uh, Edinburgh? Is it august all of august second? Oh, have you done it before? I've done it twice before. Do you like this? I love it I mean, I think I'm the only america but sounds like bronston or people like that that like That like it sounds enjoy it So yeah, I'm definitely one of the americans that doesn't because it doesn't what I would hate to be somewhere for a month What People have to see my beautiful

They would hate to be there for a month. Yes Okay, imagine I wouldn't hate being in Edinburgh, but I'd hate to be anywhere for a month You have a place though. It's like a new home. No, but you're doing what 30 days in a row 25 days in a row in a row. No, I don't like that either one day off Monday the 13th. Why is it every fucking day, man? It's just but it's just only an hour a day You're free. No, but you know, you're you're never relaxed because the whole day you're thinking about your show that night You're never really you can't do anything at all. Where are you doing the same thing you've done before? Both you are fucking faggots. There's no way

I did eight shows in a row where like a year ago somewhere Oh, no, no somewhere here and I was like Dude, I call my agent. I was like, come on. It's a marathon. It's a marathon I mean it is like a thing you got to get up for but you barely have to get up and then you have the full range of shows Right, I mean I said that if you're doing 25, you have you have you have train wreck shows Do you have like there are better and worse shows for sure for sure? Yeah um But I saw all those guys out there doing their fucking crazy UK theme hours

Yeah, and I was like I saw the first year. I just did my storytelling show And the next show I did my own but just regular american hour. You're you're transitioning to european. Yeah, and then it's like no I'm not You're transitioning. Yeah, he is. No, I'm not Are you trans? I'm a trans comic. I'm a trans comic. Yeah, I'm starting growing your hair out How who would be an uglier woman you or tom are you or tom? Who's the uglier trans woman? I mean, I know what the answer is What is it? I don't know. You do know it's tom

It's not no, no, but you're so tall and you're so lanky and you're not feminine. I'm tall like grace jones Yeah, but you're like your shoulders are bony Let me see. High shoulders. That means they don't need shoulder pads. Do you think you'd be an attractive woman? I think I'd be a five and a half I'd be like I take it You wouldn't have to be drunk to fuck me. You would have to be buzzed But not drunk. What about me? There's no you would have it would be a fetish It would be like a northern type of person to fuck you hideous

Yeah, it would be like it'd be like people want to punish themselves The same type of people who want you to shit on their chest during sex would also want to fuck you Have you ever by the way because we know god only knows the nightmares you've been involved with in your sexual history Have you been with one of these? Have you been with a woman that's a total fucking Surprised mental case with what she likes Oh, what she's into. Yeah. Yeah, because I imagine that you have been with just The dregs, right? I guess hogging. Come on. Do you ever go hogging? What's hogging?

Like we just go out and you just try to find the fattest chick possible like your hand for hogs. That's triply stuff Yeah, he loves that. Yeah, it's a way into that. I do not go hogging No, I do not I've wound up with a hog not knowing how it's happened You know, but I've been pheasant hunting and wound up So wait a minute. Have you been though with a real fucking? Oh my god Yeah, yeah, I mean I almost hooked up with somebody in in scotland a few years ago that I was like This might be a dude. Oh, really? Yeah, where I had to start show once it hit my brain I started showing people like pictures and they were like I could go either way. I don't know

Asian wait, but you saw their their junk, right? No, I didn't get I didn't get that. Oh, you didn't get that far Oh Have you ever had like a request though? Like I'm saying as far as you know, not necessarily shitting on but something where you're like That's a fucking crazy request Uh, just like bossing them around in a way like make them crawl around on the floor and do chores for me They ask for it. Yeah. Yeah, and then sometimes if I can't give that to him enough I'm like I can only demean you so much before it gets weird for me. Yeah I'm voting Ari's a better woman because he's a little more

It's not a question. Yeah. Now. Wait a minute. Who would be worse? Who'd be worse as a woman me? Yeah, or Diaz? Oh Okay Diaz all the way. Oh, this is easy. This is an easy. Yeah. Yeah. Diaz would be a worse woman Oh, man, I'm gonna be the worst woman of all time Oh, he'd be gross Yeah, he's disgusting. This fat is a male fat too. It's not like uh, it's not it's pushed out You look honestly christina

You look like uh, you know those how to draw things until you draw shape and then another smaller circle You're just like circle circle like length circle. I'm in the very end of it. This is what it's like It's surreal like july 18th is my due date You know, I heard is uh, is uh, there's they're doing this new thing where it's um Well, okay, this is a fake one, but then I'll give you a real one in a second But that where men are trying to be closer to the, uh, baby by Drinking the fluid. This is all a placenta. We've heard this. Yeah, this is disgusting So can I tell you guys the most baller thing to do the best way to show your love? Yeah

Okay Having a baby together your sperm your vagina. Yeah That's an a great act of love, but So sexual love which is part of it. It's how you get there. Mm-hmm The most baller most sexual thing you can do Is while christine christine is

Giving birth like when she's like pushing out You're fucking the baby back in I mean, and that's just silly. That's just so silly. I mean, so you're saying you guys don't love each other This is so disgusting. That's just an inappropriate You say it comes out on my terms that the relationship will always be about you guys hooking up. What about anal? They have to Oh Well, that could be quite it might be too hard to do vaginal at the moment Oh, yeah, how would you do it get under her? Maybe like split level bed with one of those. Um, those, um

Massage head things So dumb What it's very no one take me up on this. I'm gonna write a vlog tonight All right, social justice warrior about airy's art Me too I don't understand why you won't it's it just showed to me then the three of you get closer as a family Oh my this is pretty gross right here. Somebody wrote in Let me tell you tell me if you've ever done anything like this. So here's an email. Hey, mommies

I recently had something new happen with my girlfriend while we were having sex I had to pee really bad before we started having sex We started to get into it and I was like fuck it the pee can wait. I've got a boner and it needs attention So we start to bang and after about 22 to 24 good thrusts I shoot my load into my girl's vagina Immediately following this. Oh no, I involuntarily start peeing in her as well As you would expect she was not happy that I emptied my urine load into her and we haven't spoken in days I'm pretty sure she's getting ready to move out. Have you ever heard of this happening before?

Does it have a name? I told my friends and we settled on honored an Arnold Palmer half and half Half pee half cum. Yeah, we know it's half and half Any thoughts on how to avoid this happening? Thanks, you guys are the best try it out dr. Nick. Yeah, I have an idea on how you can avoid Go to the bathroom first. Yeah, just take a leak and uh, that's it. That's the end of my explanation Imagine the joy to pain is No, no, no

I mean, I wonder how badly he had to pee if it was like if it was a 10 And he like rejected it and then his body was really like you have to empty this right now That's the only way I can imagine. I mean not being able to but also once you do it Can't you pinch? Did you have to let it all go out? Right? Why did you do your fool? I mean, you know, you're pissing can't you just pull out and pee on the bed versus inside of your And does she go like, hey, that's a lot of cum It's a lot of cum like yeah, baby filling you up and he's like hold on don't move. She's like, um How gross would it be to have pee pee inside? Yeah, it's fucking rude as shit. I dumb

I would dump you. I'm like, we're done. It's really? Well, I wouldn't I'd be so upset though. I mean, you know better than because it would probably it's not good What would it do to you? I could give you all kinds of infections. I'm sure you're out too. Yeah, you don't know your vag We could try it out. Yeah, it's like athletes foot of the pussy It's a piss on it Have you done it before? Pissed inside of vagina. Yeah, no, but I have docked with a dude and pissed We've both pissed in each other's holes. What like when you touch ice cream cones together Some of the rocky road is put on the peppermint. Was this that year 20 in israel? Yeah

Um, no, I've never pissed inside a woman. No, I've never done that No, I mean do you have to make a decision like I maybe got lost in it like well, this is already going in there. I'll keep going How would you empty it handstand walking with your legs up to the bathroom to empty it? What are you talking about? No After it's out, you just let it fall out of you falls on the bed. Well, then why why not just pull out in the first place? That's what I'm saying I mean, I I think we're all in agreement. This man made it immature. We're amateur. This is a bad thing to do You don't want to do this I mean, I could see this breaking up your I have a question for you, erie. Would you if you're super broke

Would you Sell your shit to somebody Like would you ship this bag and then like sell it to somebody or would you shit through a hole in a hammock and let that person eat your shit Do you know what I'm saying like really all you're doing is something you do anyways, but someone else is really enjoying it Listen, I don't want to Like be a broken record on this podcast But it's kind of the same as that fucking would you rather with being retarded

I mean, I want to do that anyway. I want to shit in the stomach If we could get a hammock situation where you get somebody pay me all the better because then you're a good crowd You know, you get free tickets. You're not as good a crowd But you pay me and I shit in your mouth Yeah, I wouldn't have to be broke. I'm saying I'm down for that Yeah, wait, would you let someone shit in your mouth? Absolutely not. No for a hundred bucks, huh? No, no, come on. This was my first time I was ashamed, but then I got used to it. What do you have you do? Um sit on this hammock

The hammock has a hole This is McAfee You know, he would cut put a little hole And you would sit there That's what he used it for because he he wanted to have Like Scott sex and then I didn't agree with that Is she talking about hard work So you're yeah, it's a no-brainer for you. I would for sure would you not no I

First time I would choose easy money. I mean you Someone I'd be embarrassed at first She likes it Easy money money on the I feel like every time I jump without that easy. Yeah Yeah, I feel like there's money on the table every time I take a shit without somebody there Plus you save water on like water costs. Yeah flush constantly I think also they she probably got to the point that one was probably like Just had breakfast like I get over at McAfee's house

Is she is he jerking off what is happening? Well, they don't talk about that, but we always assume it has to be I think it don't reveal secrets. I think he has to it has to be yes, so Yeah, because I can't just be the joy of having it in your mouth. I could be it's could be that fantastic, but isn't there some sexual gratification Well, if he's not jerking in front of them as they wasted opportunity. Yeah, but then he's waiting. I'm sure to later jerk off Oh, yeah, of course Yeah I wonder how you just how you build that fetish. That's what that one really fun I mean, you would have to have my accent like this guy that word in and that was all that's all he can do

You think it's that's interesting. So it's it's an accidental thing and then you're like, oh, wow, this is a doorway to something I'm really interested in John McAfee John McAfee Is that a fan? Yeah, somebody That's great. Could use your time instead of working. There they are Escaping dad. He always makes good ones John McAfee

Fuck They make good ones that's um, yeah, he's nasty as fucked up man. You just nasty bro. Have you ever done crystal math Ari? I would like to You can I would you live in the city. They sell it Do we found a bag of fucking drugs at this festival last weekend two weekends ago And it was just like, oh, what are we gonna do? Did you take him? No, so we have where'd you find it on the road back to camping at at firefly So we're like going back to where everybody camps this guy's such a psycho and my god

I know it's not just hell like I was miserable and looked down There's a baggie a full baggie and I went tie my shoes and fucking palmed it I said there's powder pills everything powder. There's powder. It's one of those little tiny drug bags, you know, uh-huh and uh So our our buddy that was there with us is he's just the trier So we're like, let's give it to him. Let's give it to him and see what he and he tried it goes It's either really shitty coke Or amazing coke Oh, like he didn't yeah, and we didn't know what to do was take it or not

And what happened his girlfriend was like do not take it. We have other drugs We brought other drugs to do we don't need to do this fucking street drug And um We ended up just doing the other drugs. Yeah, I wouldn't take drugs. I'd found on the ground I normally would not what do you stick to just like psychedelic stuff? Or do you fuck with molly sometimes ketamine once in a while? Yeah, it's more recent. That's a pretty fun one I don't know, but I want to try heroin. Don't you want to try heroin? Yeah No, you don't um, no. Hilar. That's a horrible one. No, why because of the addiction

I'm saying take that out and don't you want to try it? You want to feel what it must be feel? Yeah Yeah, I get what you're saying. Don't you want to? Yeah, are you gonna? But what about just another opioid? Why don't you why do you go straight to heroin? Just try something else? I'll do that too. I mean, what's uh, I'll try shut Was it methadone? Methadone's what it's a substitution for right, so I'm saying I don't want to do oxy and say it's like just like heroin I'm like, let me fucking try heroin and tell you what's like a needle and really start going. Yeah, you want your needle, bro No, I don't want to go needle right away

I might smoke it smoke. I've done that accidentally when I was 15 at a party. Wow. Yeah, and I just Yeah, it was got I just Faced out watching easy stitch commercial My parents ended up coming to the party and taking me home like you just kind of you should do math though Make your dick super hard. Yeah. Oh, really? Yeah, you can uh, you'll come faster and harder than you've ever come before You won't believe how big your dick gets you have no neuropathy issues. I'm not interested in math What why a little speed with like in some ecstasy maybe But not math. Wow. Okay. So does your lady party sounds like it, right? Yeah. Yeah

Same kind of drugs. Yeah, but it's mostly second art gallery curator. No art curator So like people will go to them like they're building the fucking the Hudson Yards and they need like art for the whole thing And so like they're they find artists and I don't know Yeah, she has her job is to go to galleries fucking twice a week It's such a fun job. She's like, I won't come gallery hopping with me today. I'm like, you know, right? Hmm It's exciting. It's good. That's good

Do you like it? What go in the gallery? Yeah, it's okay. It's fun. Yeah. Yeah, I gotta get to art a little more Edinburgh two years ago. What we had a festival flank. She was there in grad school She's an oak town the town. She was that the town. Yeah, she wait. Sorry. I just had to back up So you go to these festivals like you go to Coachella Haven't been there yet. I'll go next year. Oh the burning the burning man. You're into that. Yeah, but you like these Bonnaroo for sure. Love Bonnaroo. Yeah What are you? What do you like most about the festival lifestyle? Is it that where you you have a comedy festival?

Are you mean like these festivals? Yeah, I mean the music so Standing line to take a shit or pee. Oh, yeah, I mean that part's not great Yeah, so you're just focusing on the negative So do you are you the open urination kind of guy? What you just pissed in front of people and stuff you just pissed on the No You courted your point of parties. They're everywhere. I know civilized people do. I'm asking about you Oh, yeah, no, I'll do that or I'll pee in this in this actually this uh, you will fucking thing. Yeah, then I'll empty it later wash it out

Oh, why not and then drink water out of it later. I mean not right away, but yeah later It's wide mouth it gets right You got no you got no vacuum splash back situation Yeah, are you one of those guys at peas and cups in your house and leaves them? I'm a fucking grown-up I pee when it has to in a bottle you got toilets a lot of times, right? Yeah, most of your peas are in toilet almost all Now do you fart in front of your girlfriend? No But will there be a fart barrier that you break at some point you think possibly I try to time

Shit and the shower you and I are both in the same boat on that. Yeah Does she know about that? Not completely, but she says she mentions off-handed like what's your morning ritual? Why are you in the shower so long? I'm like, oh most of that just running cold water while I fully shit and then So you can't hear the fucking thunder might come out and and and you know, then I you know cup A handful of this is maybe different from you. I cup a handful coat it with um toilet paper To catch the blood droppings. Oh, that's way different And then make my way to the shower turn the hot on

And then hurry that blood part bleed out in the shower Does she know about has she seen the jew claim? She is not. No, she is not. I would tell her not to watch that. All right. Yeah Brown brown red that brown brown red Oh, he's got that brown brown red that brown brown red Bro, you know what you need you need a washlet you need a bidet. I'm telling you I use bobby kelly's for the first time just like yours and I really used it I used yours too. You move it up and down you shift it right left like a claw for your ass. It's great Yeah, but the only problem with that is as a bleeder

I don't know when it's just water dripping back down off it or it's still bleeding out. Yeah. Yeah, well It's a good question. Well, then you can take an exploratory wipe. What about that? Did you ever check that thing out with a doctor? Yeah, he said it's cool to go good to go. Really? Just blood Well, I'm just trying to think of like period stuff Yeah, like you kind of there's an initial bout of blood and then it's then it slows down Do you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah But sometimes most of the time sometimes it just keeps going

Really? Oh, it's so why does that when does it happen? I don't know. I think it might be spicy food a matcher So I'll walk around often with just a plug up my butt What do you mean? I mean exactly what you should you should understand? Yes, like a tampon, but just rolled up toilet paper half in mostly out Soaking up maybe you should use an actual tampon. Are you so is it soaked with? Uh, I was on jury duty last year and it soaked through to the pant Yeah, okay through underwear through pants. Wait, wait, wait. You got to try maxi pads or a small tampon try maxi pad I'll give you some before you leave today. Okay. It's that was not okay

I was to my doctor. I'm like, are you sure we shouldn't do something? It goes the operation is so fucking annoying and awful, but I'm almost at the point where I'm like, I'm just gonna get it You got to get it. You got to get it. He said it might not even doing anything You could do a new european hour on it, you know A european a trans hour. Yeah trans hour his trans comic hour Do you know what they're trying to get people to say now instead of trans because they're saying trans is like a it's like uh They're saying when it's these shortened things. It's like negative Um, they want everyone to call them

I swear to god on this Tranny sexual No, but that's more to the smart pejorative. That's what I said But the heads of leaders in charge of the tranny sexuals are saying that that's what you should be Thought to be a really right. So you got to like lengthen it in the tranny sexual tranny sexual Is is less offensive than trans I disagree, but they're crazy these days There has to be a website where we can keep up on all the Can you enter tranny sexual dot com please? Okay, let me look at it

But seriously, can you please try a maxi pad or I will tampon? I will give you some before you leave And do you still have periods while you're pregnant? No, no, no, I still have pads and tampons Well, here's what came up when I hit in tranny sexual A lot of results though 35 million I don't think oh you made two words. It's one word. It's sexual. Okay. All right. I just don't I don't think so Like homosexual. It's one word. No still the homos are bad and homosexual is fine You can't say someone's a homo tranny sexual tranny. Yeah, this is not coming up with anything that you told me about I mean, maybe I'm ahead of the curve

Yeah, that's possible But when I look at transsexual, yeah that comes up more Oh, yeah, what a patriarch we live in still Look Trans woman trans is Yeah, uh, can you type in that says the difference between transgender and transsexual? Can you type in the difference between transgender and transylvania?

Let's see what comes up It's a very childish and sensitive very insensitive It's very sensitive. How dare you become so sensitive We need a podcast or you need a sensitivity trainer right here next time over here Oh boy, do you know how on around the horn? Um, or no, it was was was a pti. No around the horn and they have a guy, um, the stat boy Yeah, remember that. Yeah, correcting everything. No, what's pti? Like, what did we get wrong? What did we get wrong?

Yeah, we need to fucking Telling us And that whole thing that Ari said about uh, transsexual is completely wrong So here we go. Oh for oh, here's some tried outs that came in Um, you know about our try it outs, right? Try it out. I think I had one of these In Edmonton somebody came at me with a try it out. They did. Yeah, so it's based on this guy Who, you know, he made a video about how he wanted to get fucked by black guys

And he was like, uh, you can move in for free. You can live as accounts You can live it for free free rent free free food free rent Um, you can piss on me beat me try it out. And he's like He's the tryout guy. He always he just says that piss on me beat me. Oh, man. I'll try it out You know There's a deal man So People make their different versions of the try it out guys try it out piss for us. Um, I love try it out. Be cool about

I'm moving you can move in but you don't fuck me. How many I need you fucked a lot For those listening, it's a cow the mustache Then from jail homeless or um, you're a thug want to come Move in a friend come over to your man free rent. You're gonna listen. Okay. Fuck me piss on you beat me Oh, man. Oh, fuck me. You see me right come over today. Try it out. Try it out, man I never thought that seeing a cat do it would be good, but that's good I like when dogs and cats do people things here is a hostage try it out by rick Say it say it

Black eyes I love to fuck and fuck good If you're a hot black guy you want to fuck me 23 now You want to move in you can move in This is a very creative take on yes, they're all very creative a lot of times, you know We have people doing it jogging. We had women do it. We had a woman do it in a seductive way. We've had uh aggressive We've had like Shakespearean. Yeah, uh, we had the uh kind of um, like the law and order scene where the guy had like a

Whiskey with him and he was like, you know try it out, man. So Here's a polite try it out I have something prepared here Gentlemen of African descent who enjoy homoerotic sex and have had extensive experience in sex If you're african-american who has made healthy life choices Wouldn't enjoy an afternoon with me. I currently reside at 23 95 You need a place to stay I can accommodate but you must engage me sexually I have a rare medical condition that does require me to have sexual relations often

And in return, I shall supply you with food and shelter and anything else you may need to survive It's like he's a fucking Plantation owner So gentlemen, the president says Or from a more radical different upbringing My doors are always open to you and your mates I can put your name and all the appropriate paperwork and I do have an extra key I do regret you commissioned to yarnate on me. That's uh, that's pretty good, man. That's that's pretty good

I enjoy it Who is that guy? Did he get what he wanted? I bet he did. I don't know that the The guy actually got you ever see the guy looking for a girlfriend. Yes. I'm looking for a girl I'm looking for a girlfriend They have those posts all over new york with looking for a girlfriend I just want someone to be into like talk about books and movies with if you're into that Oh, I thought you meant this man, man I'm looking for a look for you. So you can just have like a flyer

Like I'm looking for a girlfriend. Yeah, the guy's kind of ugly though. And it's almost like putting the Focus on like, you know, if you want something real, I'm here for you, but it's like Who wants that? Can you see that? But I can't yeah, you saw it. Look look. It's fucking weird as fuck. What's happening to your body. I know it's crazy What the fuck is that you're blowing up like a goddamn balloon. I know You've got a thing inside. You're kicking against you. I know like alien. It's bananas. It's nuts It's a person. Can you feel them doing a kick and a punch? Yeah kicks your ribs. He stretches out

What the f flips Flip's around in there. You can say fuck on this podcast. Yeah. Oh, yeah How much do you want to ridicule these people? No, cool Underwater it's just an escape. It's just such a serene tranquil setting It feels like I'm a fish. I could be Ariel's sister. I shut up page doring Mermania would you go to mermania? I would go would you participate? Yeah, absolutely You put on the mermaid. I mean, I wouldn't give up spots for it But it was a daytime thing in a city. I'm in and it's not a radio day. Yeah. Yeah, maybe you'd go

Greensboro, North Carolina. I used to live there from all over the world here. This is the largest You live in greensboro. Yeah, when when till fourth grade. Oh First global murr meetup ever murr meetup It's global because I got one one lady from afghanistan comes over. It's like is this harmless Yeah, you think so? Harmless I mean except for The extensive abuse that what if they what if they were abusing them like the fucking michigan state guy was? There's so much meeting up with this beautiful nice thing and it's like, oh, no, it's ruined

I've made these tails right here. They make they're not real. Don't tell anybody. They take me over four months I can't stitch them my tails of art range from 2,900 It's like a tour gown, but it's a tail and you can swim in it Wow, you think it's hurting anybody? Oh No, I mean I get it. I mean, I think it's it's beyond absurd. I want to see them walk I don't want to see them like they're like, uh Oh, yeah, I should be walking this thing. Why don't they talk like grand for it? I mean, it's for children

You know, I get it for children, but that's wrong. Well, man. Look at this. What's it? This tail weighs 50 pounds 50, but it's mutually buoyant That's important How many how many fuck ups do you think happened during the oh my god Like while they're designing suits like oh right. It was 90 pounds that we did lose a few people Yeah Our last mermania we lost a few of our fellow mermaids Well, what do they do?

They just put on their nice couture gowns and then swim around with each other and they look at each other That's the whole point. It's just a convention pool like a bunch of fucking nerds in a pool and then they that's what it is four years ago I discovered that there was another way bracelets of people that were Of course the guys Mermaids as I was As easy as the girls you see a mermaid like everybody's like oh how beautiful but you see a guy and they're they're kind of No, shit. Yeah, of course. Yeah Yeah, but also like how often are you seeing people see mermaids where you're making this decision? Yeah

Doesn't happen all the time. Yeah, I feel like your data points are not enough This guy See really I mean the crazy thing is you get this level of heterosexuality in the merman Industry It's very weird. I still don't know how people have time for this shit. That's always like how do you as an adult? You don't have a fucking job a mortgage kids like Have you time for your mermaids shit? Yeah, where are you making time for these kind of making making tails for four months? I mean even for him to go down to the pool

With the fucking crown and yeah the makeup on and you got to rent out the whole pool Or can you this seems like a giant pool you get half and half with like bad kids? I don't know. It seems like other like serious swimmers a bit. You guys got to get the fuck out. It's five o'clock now Get out. We're doing laps. Yeah, take your your comfins out of here so I can work out your comfins Yeah, yeah, this is just a different version of wild wild west But this guy get them out of here. He's clearly he's straight. So I I think yeah Well, do you think he's there? He's in it for the girls and in which case that's a good racket It's a good. How are you gonna get laid whenever one's word a fucking tail over your vagina? Yeah, it's not he's not thought out

This just comes when like when it's time to like hey, let's let's go look at our tails together in my room Let's go flop around like we're out of the water Don't talk to my kid Share the love of the sea Of someone who loves a bunch of dudes Yeah, a bunch of dudes that don't like chicks doing this. That's cool When I first started doing this mermaid thing, there was no one else in the world that was doing it as a freelance job And it's a job to look around and see that there's hundreds thousands of mermaids around the world. How do you know that?

I agree. How do you know what else they're doing at freelance? I think we have something super positive to offer. There would be so disappointing about like meeting her There's no fat mermaids. She's a murder Met this girl at a bar or something and you have no idea. Yeah, you're like, she's cute. She's cool She's articulate. Yeah, and then she's like I got this thing this weekend. I don't know if you want to come check it out You're like, yeah, what is it? I'm interested in your interests. I'm a mermaid And then like all your your fucking red flags kind of All your fucking half I have a male ready to go out just flags up flags up

Yeah, this isn't this isn't going to go anywhere this thing Well, and also she claims to be the world's first freelance mermaid, but how does she know that? Well, because before this it was only people who did it for a living they got 401ks And no one was able to really shift this into a time where you have time off freelance She's a freelancer guys Thousands of mermaids around the world now Hundreds of thousands. I don't know about living from doing this beautiful art form. I think we have art form I mean, how does she know she's the first? She still drown at every convention, but every week it gets better

Yeah, there's a big one there big old mermaid. I'm there and they're super positive to offer the world And to be an inspiration for people to reconnect back to the birthplace of all life itself, which is the ocean Oh, I think doing a mermaid accent another big one It's a whale No, but wait, we need this to reconnect with water. Yeah, it's like, you know, you just go ahead It also doesn't give you breathing ability. So scuba diving is nice as well Snorkeling, you know, just swimming. I just want to say you're both jerks

This is a nice thing people are getting together for a nice time. And you guys were just Yeah, we're just bullies. Yeah, you're just you're just terrible It just seems like it really I think what angers me high five another merman I think High five another merman And the kid was like, yeah I'm sorry, buddy. I knew you were here. I didn't choose to say anything I think what it just angers me that it's adults like grown people wasting their time with this horseshit

Do you think it's the same as a kickball league? Oh Or dodgeball 35 year olds. Yeah So, you know, uh, it's just Bangs on 30 year olds. It's like stop it grow. That's silly. Last week we had Bangs Fucking grow the fuck up. Don't get bangs anymore. You're not 12 Stop it and quit wearing onesies you idiot women, you know, pajamas get the fuck over yourselves. We're adult clothes

It takes you 45 minutes to piss stop it. It's unfunctional You know, we had a fart simpson. Tony. Yes do that prank call. Yeah, it's an outstanding amazing prank call Aware he used that try it out guy And um played it for people. No, he had a guy he put an ad in He went is elaborate had the guy I Had an ad out for renting his home. So then a guy was like, I'm interested in renting this place and then He answered the phone and was like, oh talk to my dad

It's or my uncle is his place and then used the soundboard to be the piss on me beat me guy Like um, and that guy talked to him. It was amazing. It was amazing And it was I mean, it was amazingly done. The guy was like, I want Yeah, I want to come in July and then the board would be like you want to move in you can move in And he's like, yeah, I want to come in and he's like He's like you got free food free rent a guy's like free rent. He's like, fuck me piss on me. I was like, wait, what? It was fantastic played it perfectly. It's perfect. Wow. So he did another one where he called Um, this texas rapper that he found on craigslist

um, he's been calling him as different members of wilson's family and uh And this time he got he got this kid To talk to a soundboard of jaden smith wilson's son. Yeah, I mean the kid talks to him Hello, what's poppin? Who this my name is jaden smith what Son you seen la la land Yeah, I'm in la la land right now. Yeah, I like based my life mostly off of la la land I've never seen that movie though. That's a movie. Is it a movie? Yeah, I'm living my life

wilson's son. Yeah So I guess you know I rap right well last verse was before the award show I contacted on my torso. I don't have eye contact on my torso. Do you know what I'm saying? I know what you're saying damn Yeah, being obsessed with like the sunset We The sunset I'm like so obsessed with it. I'm in the sunset right now. Are you watching me or something somehow?

This is very strange. Yeah, the sunset is nice though. I agree. It's just a random guy It's a random guy. I guess has put that he's a rapper. Oh, yeah online and I don't know it's so How disconnected are you just a maestro at the fucking keys to knowing knowing what things to say Oh, I think he's prepped for everything because you're not just playing and pausing You're like deciding what to play when in the moment in the moment to the future Yeah, I believe you, you know, but my vision is for people to listen to the intervision Huh, what do you mean? What do you mean jaden smith? Jimi Hendrix lighting guitars on fire. It's like wow like no one do it

No one does this. Oh like that like that intervision. Yeah. Yeah, that doesn't even bad ass man That's the shit son. You should go for it every time be free brother I don't got the time to put you on a stretcher stretcher I'm here and it's still flexing flexing. I'm just an icon living started record label misfits. Just did it Whoa, um high snob cover five minutes. Whoa. We are too hot in the biz as well. You just make that up Yeah, you did didn't you hear? Yeah. Yeah, you just make me laugh off the top. That's pretty incredible, man You should make freestyle music then. Thank you. You should do it man. Just tell them tell them it's freestyle They'll be like holy shit much respect because every respect that's shit in that what you're spitting is nice, bro

What's at this point this guy's having like a fucking five minute conversation. What is this? What is this? I don't know. It's all necklace in mind It's like he's just talking to a sound boy. You know, it's so crazy, but I think this guy might be a little crazy The guy that he called. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, I think he's something's wrong with him It's sick like Xanax. Let's take a Xanax smoking out chill out then get blunt He's trying to rap for him because the blunt comes after the L because the L is in Y. That's the way it goes Let's take an X and smoke a blunt Whoa, people hit me on twitter like Jenny you violin

Let me talk my piece on Jimmy Fallon. They hit me on the gram like Jenny you styling You didn't know my swag was on a thousand Is this you guys? Did you just send me a picture of this? Wait, what? Forget it It's so embarrassing to hear people rap. Isn't it like freestyle? Absolutely I can't think of what's more embarrassing somebody's singing with an acoustic guitar at me

Yeah, or somebody rapping to me. I feel like they're both part for you somebody rapping at you Yeah, so if someone's like you want to hear me spit and you're like, okay And then they yeah, I would love to hear you spit. Yeah, and then they're they actually go for it Everything inside me would tense up for sure to pardon me thinks any musician is super lame because like so what do you have? Like a singing club with your friends Yeah, like when you break it down to that level like if we were in high school And you're just like hey, we're all gonna sing together Play some music John will play the piano and I'll sing

It's true like but we have a joke telling club. I guess. Yeah, that's true We don't all meet together and do it. We do it on stage alone. It's true. Yeah, but it is weird, right? It is joke Yeah, it's weird, but how weird is someone was somebody like hey, you want to hear my new bit? Oh, I don't like that either. They try to do it to you I got to who does that? What the fuck is this? Do you guys send me a picture of this with in front of boobs? No talking about what are you talking about? I don't know Somebody with just like a picture of boobs with like this type of medallion. No, sweetie. We don't right now. No two days ago

No, no, that's not us. No, come on You thought that okay, you think tom's sending you titty pics Do you want more of this guy or no? Yeah, all right Well, do you want me to float? I won't float. You don't want me to float. Oh, don't float. I'm so embarrassed. I'm an icon Yes, you are an icon. Holy shit. This is crazy. All right. It's the reality doesn't really hit me I'm trying to clear people's palates. This is badass, man Dude, what do I do? What do I do to make my make my music be heard by the masses, man?

Tell me wills my son tell me what to do. You can say it in like whatever Partic way you want to say it or any dream what's going on here? Yeah, and it just keeps going. So embarrassing. Yeah, it is it. He really got embarrassed there just things to be said and some of the Things I say are super important. I wouldn't talk when I was young. Yeah, because I was contemplating life Weird, you know, I mean this guy just is full hook line full in. Yeah, he's all in on this asking for advice Saying crazy shit, but I think I think he's pretty fucked up I was just thinking about jayna pinkett smith the other day

I remember when her children were younger and she was they were starting to push them into show business And she was like they were doing show business shit really 1110 yeah, and she's like there is so much talent in our house We are so Talented like and I just think now that I'm a parent and I'm like I couldn't even imagine Pimping my children that much never I would never pimp out my you know what I mean. Yeah, it's 10 or 11 You're like they're too young. It's too. It's too much if you're a child actor Best case scenario worst case scenario

best case scenario They booked nothing Right, they just and then they're met with like their parents disappointment because they're not doing well, right? That's best case scenario worst case scenario. They book a bunch of stuff. Yeah become child celebrities and have an od at 26 Yes, that's like it's crazy. It's pretty bad Yeah, what would you make your kid? I don't know. It's terrible. It's terrible We are so talented. Remember that? There's so much talent in this house dude celebrities are garbage when they asked her about really are they're fucking

Silly people they asked her about like if they have an open marriage. Yeah. Oh What'd you say? What'd you say? Will can do what he wants to do if he can look at himself in the mirror. Yes, exactly. Yeah. Oh and everybody was like Wait, what does that mean? That means you know what that means. That's some shit has happened. Don't fuck anybody ugly Basically he could look himself in the mirror like whatever I guess. Wow my gosh Yeah That's crazy. That's how do you put reins on will smith? I mean he's like the hottest dude, you know

Guys like that. They just fuck this family is too talented to be held back sexually I'm trying to think of Sexually, I don't know. Can you what if you what what if we're one of your kids wanted to go into acting? What would you do negative? I mean, I say wait until you're 18 at least until you're same as same as alcohol Same as what same as alcohol like not now These are adult things. These are adult things I don't think you're emotionally equipped for the judgment and the criticism and yeah, especially now

I mean my goodness you put something up on youtube people shit on you. It's like it's horrible. Why would you want that to like? No, I'm not interested. I don't need he doesn't need to work. You know what I mean? It's fine. You can just be a kid a job later get a summer job and that's it. Yeah I wouldn't put the kid to work man. No, it's work. The show business. You know terrible. Yeah No, what kind of mom or dad knowing now what you know, who would do that? I think they're living through the fucking city this fucking city. We're yeah, I know I think you think it's glamorous and fun and like a hobby or something like the kid don't No, he's like

Just let him be in a school play. I'll get just as much out of it. Yeah, maybe that I'd be like do your school stuff Yeah, yeah, I see if you like it there um All right, working people see you coming up um I'll be the Edinburgh Acosta comedy festival. No, that's right. August 2nd through the 26th. What's the show called jew? Just called jew arish appeared jew. Yeah, mm-hmm jew jew you jew motherfucker you

Uh, I think I could have a storytelling show here in in l. I but um In the middle of july, but mostly it's that and then I go do a european tour in uh, November and stuff. That's fun. Where you going? Do you know? Yeah all over brossels belgium berlin I'm going finally for the first time you've been there. I love berlin. I'm so excited. It's such a cool city Yeah, I got three days there. What about budapest? Any hunger and garrion stuff? No, no, I'd like to you've been there. Uh, yeah, what'd you go there? Oh, my family's from there. Oh really? Oh, cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, they don't like joy that much now they think about it. They might not want jokes. What do you do?

July 18th He's got to make sure they're situated and then I could finally hit the road for See you later dad. Have you not been going on the road? I mean, I've been home for a couple weeks. I'm gonna stay home Through most of august because this kid because of this kid. Yeah, that's cool That's a fun one, but then it's like peace Like for real. How will you pay for a car month habit that you have? Uh, I don't know. Oh no

Try to figure it out. I mean, you're not gonna start getting a used car mark. That's not Gross don't even say that. Um, uh, then you're going hard. Yeah. Wow. No, it's not too crazy actually It's not too crazy. It's two weekends a month through november. Oh, okay. It's all right. Well, let's wrap it up. Let's wrap it up Wrap it up. Um, I have a podcast called lorries for a skeptic tank I don't know. Um, I saw the opening for the um, the degenerates. Oh, yeah Look cool as fuck sometimes. How did you fucking see that? I went to see Tom's new movie tag tag. How is it? Super fun. I really want to go see it. Yeah Um, yeah, it's super fun. It's great. Um

What was I gonna say? But yeah, the opening for the degenerates that he made looks fucking good because it was hard as fuck to shoot While you have that pregnant belly It was so hot too No, I like cool. I like cool. I hope it. Yeah, I'm excited to see it Don't forget that new episodes are are going to be streaming two hours before youtube Now it's twitch.tv on the patreon on twitch. No on twitch twitch.tv slash your mom's house podcast So you can go there and chat it up. Uh, your queen jeans one

Right queen jeans one on your on you guys have a message board on twitch. That's my identity on twitch Is queen jeans number one. Yeah, and I am a dj dadmouth one So, uh, we'll be jumping on then there. Maybe I do tomorrow. I don't know if I can do tomorrow or not But i'm going to be there as often as I can so That's that. Um, all right. If you're a catch him edinborough catch him All over listen to his podcast. Thanks for coming. What do you name your kid? Um, airy airy. I'm okay. I'm okay with that Um, all right, uh, we'll talk to you later if I love you You don't say

You don't say like You know what i'm saying Like this You don't say you don't say By that same french eximas, you know what i'm saying, right? Must be the mayor You don't say you don't say You don't say right

This is you You don't say Like this Do you want to understand?