Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 457-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: July 18, 2018

The Jeans are probably cuddling a new baby (non-gender specific) as you listen to this. Please know that God watches you when you watch porn and you'll probably have to answer to him.  Also, do you think we should get fart mics for the studio we might be moving to?  Pull up your jeans and listen what will be an all time classic. 

Mm-hmm Hey there Jean Check it out. We have a big announcement a big added show it's going to be October 6 Sacramento I'll be at the community center theater that first show sold out so we added a second show At the community center theater. I believe the show time is 10 30 That is now on sale at Tom's girl calm Of course the weekend. I'm also in Eugene and Boise

The only thing left for tickets before them There are some tickets left Octo or excuse me August 24th at the Palm Beach Improv in West Palm Beach, Breastballs Beach, Florida and Let me see. There's some tickets left in Fresno Bakersfield fart Myers Florida

Jack me off Phil Orlando second show and then fill her up Delphia has a few tickets left to the Show on the 16th and of course Pachanga Tom's girl calm for all those tickets. And what about you Jean? Oh Well, here come the best here comes the best Christina will be at fields on December 7. Where? At Philly in Philly. Yeah in Philly. Yeah, well at Philly or in Philly, okay? It's Philly on December 7 a punchline Philly. Yes and Two shows December 8 at the Grammy Theatre in New York City

For those tickets go to Christina P online this that come For tickets and guess what you want to watch her tits fart life. Wow That's a soul out before I even start selling I'm buying tickets. Oh, who wouldn't want to see that? I can imagine area. I know wanted to see tits farting Does anyone ever said that to you like when you were single did anyone ever throw that at you as like a pickup line?

fart my tits Like did were you ever hanging out at a bar and then a guy's walked up to you is that excuse me? I'd show me how those big tits fart or something like that. No, but they did show me that your tits are Your balls are flying. What? Yeah, what do you mean? They were bouncing I get my bra wasn't too good. Oh, they would say your your tits us are bouncing They didn't say your tits us your balls are bouncing. Oh, it was insulting. How do they say it? Hey, honey Your balls are bouncing. Did they say in Spanish? Yes, so

It was so embarrassing Were you walking down the street? I was walking so I start walking like this from that moment That's my life and then since that day I started wearing sweaters. Oh my goodness. Oh, that's no violin Well, this this episode is coming out for our listeners this Tuesday night Wednesday We should probably be probably be in a hospital Right, yes, but our non-gender-specific baby will be oh my god probably being delivered as people are listening to this show any time now. Yeah, the mother And Christina is resting right now. So I have my mother

Charo son Charo son here. We're gonna do some ads All right, so let's take a break here. You want to rehearse your ads, right? I have to see what I'm saying Okay, hold on a second or Well, um, thanks for sitting in on the pre-roll and helping me since Christina can't do it this week Well, I couldn't trade the roles of having the baby. I'm excited to do this. This is fun Hopefully and you're going to be a daddy pretty soon. I know this Later this week. We'll get you guys in here. I would love to have you and dad

Sit down and do like a more long-form thing. Okay, and I think it'd be really fun If we try to get if you can seriously try to sell him that you want to get high while you're out here I can't do that. Why? He's going to get this Temporary I would make him cry as to try that just be like I want to get high Okay, but I want to pretend I really want to yeah, and then like a minute later You can be like, I'm just kidding Tommy put me up to it. Okay, you watch you gotta sell it to him You got to be like it's legal here. I just want to do a little bit. Why don't you let me have my fun?

You know, I don't stop you for doing what you want to do. Let me do what I want to do Okay Well, I know it's gonna be really fun you guys. Thanks for listening to the show. We'll be back I'll be back to her. No, I know you will but I'm saying These next couple episodes are also still pre-recorded episodes We'll be back with like a fresh fresh new one in a couple weeks. These are we've been banking episodes be expecting this so Thanks for listening to the show. We'll see you guys soon wait for a brand new studio Tom You just said that on the recording

You want to explain yourself I feel like you should explain it. You're very excited about this. I Feel like this is your your project your baby that you've been gestating on We're in the early stages of getting a new studio a space for us to Expand the show Big surprises around the corner guys It'll take a few months. Yeah, of course, but you got this whole wow-wow thing going on

How dare you I am two weeks from delivering a human being right now just two weeks before a person comes out of my vagina It's a miracle. I'm even sitting here talking to you right now. Gosh, but yeah, so anyways, we're We've been looking at spaces and We'll be a whole thing and we've been looking into fart mics Which has been a long time coming a lot of people need to hear the today would have been a crazy day for them for you You've got a lot of two-toots. Yeah, I'm serious about the fart Mike I feel like a lot of our listeners are serious about wanting one about one of them. Yeah We got the equipment Tom by the way, that's a mastermind go check out his instrumental playlist all

streaming platforms Spotify Apple Music D Duh MF the motherfucking mastermind. Oh, I don't know if he goes by the MF mastermind or mastermind or anyways Anyways, you can always get your Instrumentals or show inspired songs Submitted here. Just go send them to your mom's podcast at gmail.com

There's no house in that I say what I'm trying really hard not to do because I breathe really heavily when I'm pregnant I'm trying not to do what your dad does into the phone. Oh, it's the worst Is he the latest thing was when I when I finally was like what looks I go like so what the fuck's going on? What are you doing? He goes just our breathe. Yeah, and I go. No, it's not It's not just how you breathe. Yeah, you don't just go. What do you think? What do you think's going on? I Mean something abnormal. You can't just be like that's how I breathe. No, it's not. It's not my my in my labored breathing It's labor breathing. That's why I breathe that way because I'm you know, 37 weeks pregnant

Yeah, I shouldn't be this heavy But my fat Indian stepdad who's dead now He looked like this all the time because he had a lot of hard fat was it called visceral fat. Yeah, and he was always like Two so it has something to do with having a big fat belly, I think maybe it does I don't know he He totally just exist just goes like oh Just My god, you're going That's how you breathe no, it's not

Like you have shortness of breath. It's not healthy. It's definitely not a healthy way to breathe No, like it kills me more breed like that answer to it than that. He's doing it. You know, I mean like when someone just goes That's just how I know it is not just how you do it. Yeah, cuz I'm also around you when you're not doing that Oh, is that right? Yeah, so when is he not doing that? I don't know. It's just like when he's watching TV It's more like a resting. Yeah, he doesn't break breathe that way. Oh, no Do you think he's excited? Maybe and it's like excitement breath very well could be but it's not It's not like something you should just ignore and go. That's just his breathing path. It's not It's just my way just how I do I just pee blood all the time. Yeah, I go to the doctor

That's just how I pee. Yeah, it's just how I pee, but it's like how we get he's always red Yeah, yeah, like how as humans we just get we adapt to the bad things instead of being like I should probably go to a doctor There's no outlet next to my nightstand. I just I just can't plug in over here. Guess I won't charge my phone Fucking crazy That's his explanation. I know why are you breathing so heavily? It's just how I breathe It's but it's not you're right. There's something there's some neuropathy issues. There's definitely some neuropathy issues Before I forget guys Amazon, do you shop there? Look just suggesting that you shop there and you might want to look at another website before you do

And you can shop there very well through there through there We are debuting every episode of your mom's house two hours before they go to YouTube on twitch twitch.tv Slash your mom's house podcast queen jeans is it? It's queen jeans the number one Queen jeans number one and DJ dadmouth one queen jeans one We both jumped on a little bit on the stream last night and we'll be back again We'll say hello to you guys Oh, let's suck it out

What a neat thing though that people can talk to each other as they watch the show and they can say things like Christina's tits Look exceptionally large today People keep talking mother like well her stomach keeps getting bigger This is she pregnant is she really pregnant. She's really happy. Yeah, you fell People keep saying I'm as fat as Burt and I don't know. Do you think that my stomach looks as big as Burt's no It's his stomach bigger than mine Yeah, he has you think so the birds fatter than I mean not fat. This isn't fat. This is a child, but oh He looks like he has triplets

Yeah, he's huge right now. He's really big. He knows he's really big. He's really big. I talked to him. He does. Yeah He knows say just Just what he's just been going hard, you know, he's been traveling touring a lot and He's he's still riding the marathon Flames. Oh, so he still thinks he's burning calories from running one marathon in April. Yeah, that is the answer is yes They're really kind of went crazy after the marathon. Yeah, it's been months months, bro. I get it shit Yeah, so he's gonna he just goes, you know him. It's either hardcore one way or the other Yeah, well, I saw a picture of him. You showed me on Instagram. It doesn't look it doesn't look good. Nothing none of it looked good. No

No Looks he looks heavy. It could be the lighting, but I don't think so. Yeah, I Don't think so, you know pictures are it's pretty brutal Sounds like my dad talking about his breathing like bad light. It's not a good light It's just how it is. It's just how I breathe. It's just how I breathe I feel totally normal and natural But I've that is a common dad breath thing

Like with her fat when they're fat, it's really fat. Isn't it? Isn't it just being fat? I guess I don't know I mean wait my Indian fat step dad. That's why he did that because he he was really terrifying to sit next to I'm serious. I've sat next to him when he's doing that and I go, are you okay? I'm fine. Terrifying. He's fine. He's like, I'm fine. You're going like that. He's like, I feel fine Completely dismisses it. Yeah, you know, what he does too is he'll put his arms around his body and then he'll And you'll see like his chest rise and fall and arms too and you're like, oh, you're really going hard there You're really working hard. You're just sitting here. I wonder has he been for a physical? Oh, yeah Yeah, no, I called them. I always check on his as health and he had some tests or everything

He passed everything was like flying colors. I'm fine. Fine. Yeah Hmm. So maybe it is just how he breathes. I don't buy it. I don't buy it I'd need to hear a doctor tell me it's definitely normal Well, if you started breathing like that, I would hope that you'd run to the hospital If I was breathing like that, I would know that it's not how I breathe Just sitting here Yeah, and it's also it's not every phone call and it's not every situation It's odd

It's gotta be due to excitement or maybe some physical activity. He's just done We got to pay attention to when the heavy breathing begins. Yeah, I'm gonna start paying attention more You're really gassy today. Today is exceptional But you've already taken two shits. Do you? Yeah, you took one. You take two. No, you came back from Ellis's school You took a shit. That's it. Oh, I thought you went upstairs to take another one. Yeah. Oh Just change shirts. You farted a lot after your shit, which is like not normal Usually kind of brings that whole theory in the question Well, because brown makes the fart slow down

Yeah, yeah, well in your case sometimes it makes the farts come out more Some days god just gives you gifts all day long. Yeah, this could be one of those days Yeah, yeah, interesting. You're ready to jump in this. Sure. Sure. Sure. I got a lot of topics Does god know what is on your computer and your phone? If god were to show what is on your computer on a big screen Would you be embarrassed? This shit is big time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this Welcome

Oh Oh Oh Personally, I don't think I would be embarrassed and I'll tell you why I don't keep saved things on my phone is god pulling up my search history. Yes, that's an issue, but Saved items. I don't keep things saved. Yeah, who's saving pornography I don't know. I feel like that's kind of a I mean only what you save is you save The horrifying thing to show your friends right the jokey stuff. Yeah, the jokey stuff

The really outrageous stuff, which is everyone knows that you're doing that Just to kind of shock people but god knows when you're trying to shock people. Yeah And don't you think he got invented porn stars got invented porn? Yeah, he knows when you want to come he knows that there's stuff that if you go on for your cum stuff You save the cum stuff. I don't think so. I don't know You know, but I've heard the guys do and they share that they're good clips with each other I've heard guys doing that really. I don't know dude. You guys are all fucking nasty. You shit I don't I don't have that type of friend

I don't have it. I really don't the guy who's like, hey, I dripped off a lot to this clip You might want to jerk off to it too Um Yeah, no, wait, that doesn't really happen for me. I don't have friends that are like this is hot gross You want a man? I don't know what makes you cum, but this may be it's not like that It does seem rather personal. Yeah, it does pornography. Now you get the penis out You pull the skin a lot of people they never circumcised Yeah, circumcised. Yeah, so it's very um

I don't think I'd be embarrassed either. I don't what what's on there pictures of my kid Yeah, some stupid things. I've written jokes like, okay That's not really my maybe she's embarrassed of the stuff on her computer and she's projecting stuff that she Pulls up when she wants to you imagine Being that person like what is wrong with this like Like what is wrong with these people? It was timed if I could do it. It's a lot of time a lot of time Just a yell at strangers. Here's the way I found out about this lady. She's got a youtube channel No, boy. She does this shit all the time

She travels all over the world her her channel gets like you know 100 views of video So I have no idea how she funds This she does this all these crazy trips. She does these crazy trips. She talks about you know It's harass her trips. Yeah, and then the best is that she's in europe right now. You see everybody I like that. Europeans are so much more comfortable with this stuff. Of course They don't guilt guilt trip people for watching. It's silliness. It's nonsense. It's absolute nonsense

I mean, this is where she wears that. Amsterdam. Yeah, I think so. Yeah, it looks like Are you ready to die? The Bible declares when you die you will face the judgment seat You will give an account to god for everything you have looked at So you porn freaks You're gonna be held accountable for your porn No one even stops. No one. That's an eyelash. Yeah. Yeah, they just kind of like oh, this is a Really crazy person. Oh, you have mental illness. Yeah, they're really treating her as as such, you know, yeah

Yeah There's always been perverts Yeah, because there's a devil The very first sin was not porn No, it was simply eating something off a tree god said not Can you imagine believing that it's it is and the older I get the weirder it sounds you don't realize that that's Just a story metaphor. Yeah Well, it's also quite a bummer to think that you've traveled all the way to europe in this beautiful square

And the only thing she's doing is yelling at people for jerking off I know god put your Shit down go put the bible down and go eat a waffle I wonder if you're this crazy. How do you get through like how do you get through breakfast? Like how are you too crazy to interact in life? But you're you know, I mean like you don't know how crazy this is but you know how to get on a plane Yeah, and you buy a ticket you can click on the internet you buy a ticket you have a passport Yeah, how does she do that? How does she and then the god message just kicks in after that

I don't know or did you have a husband and he's got a fucking get an earful of this nonsense every day This lady doesn't have a husband. You don't think so. Wow. It's so weird to me. There's no man putting up with this nonsense At least she's got a purpose in life. You know what I mean? It's her thing, man. She's traveled from tennessee To amsterdam to be like what's on your phone? At least she left the united states a lot of americans never do. Yeah, that's true proud of her That's true How do you plan on getting to heaven is the question? Did you come to amsterdam to sin? Yes, everyone does. Did you come here for marijuana?

Nerd That's what all those people are there for you nerd. You're a fucking dork Yeah, that's the leader of the dork. That's why everyone went there in the 90s when I was in college That's like the first destination has the one place. Yeah, that's when yeah, no one could get weed You go to amsterdam you go walk around the red light districts. He hookers and stuff peeing the streets. Yeah I think yo, she still goes there. He does too What happens in amsterdam Does not stay in amsterdam

What happens in amsterdam Goes before the eyes and ears of god You know what I was in um charlotte a couple of years in a row There's a corner there on uh, what is it try on street where somebody's up there Doing not this stuff, but some similar thing preaching just on the corner

That's interesting. It's so annoying. It's childish. Well, it's childish to think that god is um keeping scorecards on people's jerk sessions Yeah, and like what are you masturbating to tom? Is it hetero or is it weird? How hard you come though? I think he's creating it. I hope so. I don't think he's got that kind of time But I know it seems like he has more important things going on than again. He is god knows everything right again We're saying him a gender right now Oh, why is it he is god? You know, I'm sure there's a lot of people listening right now who are not having a long thank you Thank you. I'm offended. You know, it's so funny every every month with our boy

And I'm sorry to assign him a gender But I mean look these people that are really hung up on this shit Like you're assigning gender properties to kids like I don't know if you've ever raised a boy or a girl Why don't that shit's pretty innate like glaring. Yeah, I'm not forcing trucks into his hands or forcing dirt on him He just gravitates to it naturally. Yeah, it's Pretty innate. Yeah, he's all dude and you know, I've tried giving him dolls then like it Well, I think a lot of it has to do with the social construct that he's been brought up in You think

Marijuana How come nerds always call it marijuana? They're racist Oh, is that right? It's a racist term marijuana. Yeah, what are you talking about? Uh, I I did this uh show where they played this clip that marijuana Is actually racist the word Interesting you should be saying cannabis Oh the medical term is cannabis. I see I see Well, is marijuana a way why is that racist because it's

I don't know because um Yeah, I don't know. It's yeah, it's because it was used to I don't know marijuana Why because it's racist as the term was used to knock on people of color and their devilish ways Now the word itself is an inherently racist But it was used by american prohibitionist to exploit racism and xenophobia So by using the m word you're crying out loud oppression against mexican immigrants Here we go. That's going to quick history lesson. Shall we oh, we have been consumed by the american elite since the 1840s

It was even sold over the counter as medication to treat insomnia migraine and rheumatism But it didn't become controversial until the early 1900s when millions of mexicans migrated to the u.s Following the mexican revolution with them. They brought Marijuana and their customs is smoking it casually and regularly. I get it So if you say marihuana, you're implying that it's a thing against mexicans saying marijuana Oh for god's sakes because it's racist as Oh for god's sake. It was uh, yeah, I was on the this is when I did the h3 podcast Okay, um, ethan kline and hila

Hila Um, that sounds like a mexican name. Was she mexican israeli? Um But they played this for me. Okay, and how do they feel about it? Well, I know how I feel about it Okay, I feel like this makes a lot of sense And um, I'm not down with racism of any form or any kind And I think that when people do say the m word they are Really

Rubbiting it in the faces of people like me people of latin descent people Who have families that that grew up in these areas and that have been marginalized for centuries And so I yeah, I stood up for this guy. Good for you. I'm also fucking stupid. So That's just how I feel the m word and that's my favorite is the m when I can't say marijuana Of course, you can say marijuana unbelievable You should say marijuana and the thing that you should really do is find this guy and say marijuana to him Let him get upset. My favorite is he's like, it's not inherently racist. It's like racist adjacent

Like once you hear this fucking long ass convoluted thing. Yeah, now it's racist. This is oh, oh, I got you This this is a perfect example. Jesus christ of the end of the world. Yeah, well the end of the world and this is Liberals hate everything. Oh, yeah, who've lost their minds. This is the far left. Yeah When liberals get it in their heads that um, yeah You know that everything is a problem every language everything is a problem every look every indicator every Hey, what's your you should meet people and go? What's your pronoun like when the nonsense takes over? Yeah, it's um It's it's really a liberal. It's it's the social justice warriors and they're the worst the far lefties Who are just as crazy as the far righties?

Yeah, and the internet I'll tell you the biggest problem I think too is that people can search for something and get this much tiny bit of information on a huge topic And now they're fucking suddenly experts on it. Oh, but you didn't you didn't see this video of this thing It's like dude. Listen. It's so silly. Everybody's so it's out of control Yep, everybody's out of fucking control It's it's absolute nonsense. Everybody's so fucking sensitive about shit. That doesn't matter Doesn't even fucking matter like the main things we should stop saying marijuana. Yeah, I know That's the biggest problem in the u.s. Right. What a fucking idiot, man. I know he's offended

That's my favorite. I'm really offended when people say the word marijuana I like when you get offended by something that absolutely nobody it doesn't register to anyone You know like if you're like, um You know, you should really be careful when you say watermelon. It's like wait, what? Why they're like, well, you don't know the history of watermelon. It's like no no one else does either Most of us are just trying to keep a roof over ahead and raise our children I'm trying to make not make the mass holes. You know what I mean? When armenians first got to this country

One of the only fruits they consume were watermelons. Yeah, so when you say watermelon You're really talking about the plight of the armenian immigrant. Oh, okay Well, I'm gonna eat some watermelon now. You can go fuck yourself And the saddest part the scariest part is that if you say what we're saying right now Like people will light you up because people are so fucking irrational now Yeah, it's a license to be outraged Yeah against people

With common sense. That's the current Thing it's like does somebody saying something logical and reasonable You can be completely outraged and be applauded for your outrage. Right exactly and again 2018 and it's social media too A lot of these nutbags they congregate on twitter or whatever and they all group together and gang up and it's again I don't think in reality It's a huge majority of people. Yeah, but it's fucking idiots like this who put these videos together And then a smaller group of idiots who have nothing going on in their lives on facebook can get behind people think you're outrages If you uh back talking about process

Oh my god, I know like well, uh, you somebody got accused of a crime Let's wait to see what they have to say for it and they're like no Yeah Wait, what you don't think that person you don't want to hear what they have to say at all. No, I know because now Reality is whatever you say it is. There's no such thing as an objective reality anymore that we all take part in Because everybody's allowed to have whatever crazy fucking opinion they have It's okay. It's cool man. Do you like listen? It's not okay. There are certain things that are fucking empirical Evidence, it's true. The earth is round guys. Sorry, you know science reason logic

I mean now you just invent your reality marijuana is racist guys Can't say that the earth is round just so you know Those pictures from space or manufactured. There's a huge conspiracy going on It's between like every scientist on earth I think they're controlling that. NASA's involved. Oh, and NASA's definitely involved Yeah, astronauts are involved. Yeah satellites are involved Russians, Putin, they're all together just to make people think the earth is round because the benefit of that is

That yeah and then Then you can go for a ride on my boat So this is um Different this girl is coming out of surgery and her parents Payton Oh, it's paying Lafferty my piece Oh my god

Oh, she's so fucked up Uh That's a special talent that you can stick that all the way to the back of your neck Don't actually you haven't done it before mom Just for people listening and not watching This girl came out of surgery and they gave her a popsicle and she she goes You want to see my special talent and then she deep-throated her popsicle She said that so sincerely to her mom, that was fantastic. I love it. Yeah

Oh, like you haven't done it you slug Stick that all the way to the back of your neck Don't actually you haven't done it before mom She's right She's right. Your mom's definitely done that before but maybe you're better at it. That's true Yeah, maybe her maybe mom's a little that's so weird. Do you think your mom does does it? No, no, no, no, no Never I don't think so. She didn't know what that was. Yeah What do you mean?

She never knew what that was like when we talked about below job like she was like what we're like oral sex Where the man goes pila Pila. Yeah, what does that mean? Go like pee in your mouth. No. No, like you're gonna put where he pees out of in your mouth You know, yeah, yeah, that's what she thought You're like, yeah, yeah, and she's like, ah disgusting Man, and I was like, what about licking his anus mom? Oh, yeah, right That's so off the table for her

And me We should try to bring that up when they come out Astley kinks. Yeah, be like if dad really washed though, like it's really clean never it would never happen And would you give his gulo a kiss? She'd be so upset That's terrible, man. Yeah, we should do that. We should encourage that Terrible. Yeah. Anyways, um, you know, it's really neat in our marriage. What you the other day I think it's it's it's been like a week ago now

You came home with a salad Yeah, yeah And you normally don't eat in the bedroom. So I don't know what the box was doing in our bedroom You're very good about eating in the kitchen But uh, you finished your salad and it came in a clear plastic box and then you got like a regular fork And you left the salad box and the fork Next to my sink. We have a his and hers. Yeah, and you chose to place it next to where I brush my teeth and do stuff And then I just didn't do anything about it and it stayed there for like five or six days now

Is that good? It's great Yeah, what's happening? What happened with the tell me walk me through this because you've never done that Well, I left the workout and right next to it's this deli. They make great salads So I brought the salad home And I went up to see you. You were upstairs. You've been resting obviously because you got this wow I think going on and I sat there and I just talked to you while I ate my salad And when I was done, I just put it in the restroom and then I went to shower

And then I noticed you put it in there. Oh, you were talking to me eating. Okay. Okay So I sat up on that chair right the gray chair and I Then I went to the bathroom to shower after the workout and I put the box there with the fork and then Kind of forgot it there and then I realized wow, it's really like art, you know seeing this beautiful Empty plastic salad box and this fork Yeah, kind of makes you think who's been here before what what did they go through?

Right. Well, what I enjoyed too is watching the leaves turn brown Yeah, it was like autumn. Well, it was like a live art piece. Yeah, that's what I'm saying Like the all the green lettuce slowly wilted and turned brown and then black And then all this yeah the contents inside started to rot. It was kind of cool. It was very cool Very cool. I just want to say thanks for putting that box. Hey, I gotta say you're welcome. You're very welcome I enjoyed it quite a bit But I finally did take it down. You did. Yeah, I'm disappointed in you complained a lot You tried to shame me publicly on instagram. I did. Yeah

You know, I did you and your typical rude self people Yeah People loved it. They're like, he's sending you a man message. What's the what's the message? Were you trying to send me? I don't think there was a message It's kind of disrespectful It's the way if you let the dogs run through the house and then they shit in the kid's playroom Yeah, like to show you like fuck this kid. Yeah, but I didn't wasn't trying to show you anything You don't think it was a sign of disrespect. It was a sign of laziness

And also obliviousness because I honestly would leave there and not notice it at all Yeah, I honestly didn't notice it either for like two days because I'm really I'm really sloppy too I take full credit. You are so sloppy. Come on. Do you think I'm messier than who's me? Who's the messy champ? That's really the best You're gross. You know, yeah, no, you're grosser. Yes. Yana Ma'am may I state my case? Yana? Okay. Here's why you're grosser than me You leave food like the salad box rotting in the bathroom plastic salad box Okay, you shave your beard your back your balls in the sink in your side

And then you leave the hair there and then like No, I clean up the majority of the hair and then it's there for days No, no, I don't leave a full shaving I clean that up and there's hundreds of hairs thousands of them So little ones are left behind and then they get stuck in the toothpaste because you'll spit your toothpaste out Yeah, that's part of the artwork too. But yeah Um, you've hawked a loogie in the kitchen sink. Remember that? Yeah um

You're pretty good with a shower other than like the hobo showering where you blow snot rockets and you pee all over me and stuff like that I feel like you're you're I'm pretty messy though, too Like I leave super messy everywhere. I drop things. I don't pick them up. Yeah, you're real messy pick them up Clothing I'll just leave everywhere everywhere. I care. I can't bend over right now. So just no, no, no This says nothing to do with right now. It says everything else. You don't pick up you're messy. Totally messy But who's the messy champ? I think you are because in this completely imbalanced and unfair society Women are held to a different standard. Oh, yeah, you're messier because you're a woman

That's true. Uh, because I I'm supposed to be House proud. I'm supposed to be more kept right like like yeah things up. Yeah, come on Now I will say you do have impeccable hygiene. I do like to keep myself clean. You're a very clean person. Yeah I brush my teeth way more than you What apps I do I floss more I'm dj dad mouth. No, you're so nasty By the way, this is not gonna I'll have to I'll have to tag it on another announcement. Um

But this might be the week now They moved my hot ones and I didn't know So I think I've mentioned it on a previous episode now, but now it's coming out July 12th this shit this might even be out After it comes out because we're we we're trying to prerecord a bunch before the baby. Yeah, so I don't know when this Obviously, obviously So this is either coming out right before july 12th or a full week after it in which case You can tell just how

Far ahead out time we're recording things. Okay. All right Um, I like to talk about the diarrhea. I had the other night. If you don't mind. Yeah, that'd be really great Well, I mean, okay, so I I was so hungry. I've been I had steak for dinner brussel sprouts And a potato an hour later. I was starving. Yeah, are you gonna look at me and pay attention? Yeah And then I had a thing of yogurt blueberries Muesli and then an hour later. I had toast with penis butter

What are you doing? But now I'm pregnant. I'm starving It's important to point out though before you get to your messy browns That for a long time for this pregnancy, it's the other way. You're always having you're struggling to breathe Yeah, that's that's the fun part. You you can't really shit for a lot a long time and then sometimes just get diarrhea Anyway, I woke up at like three in the morning and just the fucking floodgates had opened and a diarrhea all night Don't you hate that? Of course night diarrhea is just worse. No, it's really bad Because you can't sleep and then the next day or like it wakes you up. I gotta go shit again. Yeah It was terrible the whole next day. I was like, uh, I can't even move

Because you didn't sleep, you know the worst part about night diarrhea that takes you into the next day Is that it restricts your coffee? Yeah, then I'm fucked up. I can't have my coffee. It's the worst. I hate that one. I can't have coffee Because my body will just really fucking shut down if I do You can do it, but yeah, it's not good. It's like smoking with the flu. It's not a good idea I used to do that when I smoked cigarettes. I would smoke through a cold. Yeah, so dumb How stupid were we? Yeah, I would like give myself a day or two without smoking and then by day three, I'm like, it's fine now

This coffee will go away eventually Yeah So I had night diarrhea and then the next day we went to go see sacchario saccharia or sacchario Sacchario two. Yeah, which was outstanding. I loved it It was so good. Yeah, it's so good. Yeah, it's really good. Um It has uh, what josh brolin padillo toro. Yeah Really fucking good movie, man

It's kind of it's good because it's a standalone like you don't have to have seen the first one No, not at all It is a total standalone and then you're kind of watching the ends. You're like, I want them to make a third one for sure Oh, they're gonna. Yeah, they left it open. Yeah, josh brolin Uh, is that his name? Yeah looks amaze Now emory brunt wasn't in it, which i'm really upset about because I really dig her But bonito del toro was I love him. Yeah, you've always loved love him because he's like a Puerto rican, you know, I love my Puerto Ricans

Yeah, but I gotta say that he looked fucking haggard. He's a little worn I mean, he was so bloated and fat that his eyes looked swollen shut kind of I look like he would drink the night before and show up on set. I mean, I believe that he's lived hard Yeah, you know, I believe that for sure. I love him. I think he's so he's so great as an actor and stuff, but man he And it's such a fucking double standard because if you look at emily blunt in the first movie She weighs 90 pounds her skin is flawless yet these leading guys can be total animals total fat fucking pics Yeah, it's kind of bullshit Yeah, he's um, I don't know. I feel like he's just gone hard. Yeah, he's he's lived hard for a minute

Yeah, and it shows it definitely shows. Yeah um I'm trying to figure out the uh bonito del toro What's this new one? sicario Let's see because he definitely we watched sicario one The other day and it definitely oh, do you think he looked better or worse in the first movie? He definitely looked better

Yeah, and then he's been riding it hard. Yeah, I think he's just parties, man. I think I think he drinks. He looks like a drinker. Yeah What are you doing? I was trying to look at a picture of him I mean, yeah, see his eyes look really bloated like like sodium Yeah, that's believable. Is that what's happening? He always had heavy eyes though. What I kind of like that about him. Yeah he always looks kind of kind of um Rough right, which is this thing had him right there. Yeah. Yeah, he looks great He's a fucking great actor. Oh, he's amazed. He's so so talented

Yeah, love him. He's so fucking fun to watch man He's fantastic. He was great in the movie, but again, it just makes you wonder like god He's fucking serious double standards between men and women in our business Yeah, like if you look at these fat fucking animals who work until they're old and and just Look at the fucking marlin brando Yeah, I mean that's slob. What do he weigh at least three bills? He was a disgusting mess And he was still starring in movies marlin brando. Yeah, let's see. Let's see what he looked like a fucking mess by apocalypse Now he had to read everything off of cue cards. He was so out of it

Yeah, he was At the end there. Yeah I mean, they still let him work. Look at him. Look at him. Yeah Yeah, he's real big there. I mean Yeah, I'd like to see a female actress that looks that shitty. It's still working. No way Oh my god. Yeah, he looks like shit on a stick and then look at him and his youth though. Yeah, hot Hot tamale. He definitely

Oh, who's that fucking guy? Some other fat guy No, that's him in his heyday right there. Yeah, looking good. Yeah, but he got he got enormous There's jack. Oh, yeah, Nicholson doesn't look too good, but he's not working. No difference. He's retired basically Yeah, he's retired. Yeah Brando my god He's definitely And even my beloved James Gandolfini. I love Sopranos. I think I think James Gandolfini was such an amazing actor But fuck he looked like hell too. Well, you were watching that movie the other day

Yeah, with he and uh, julie louise dryfus. I think it was called enough said it's a cute little movie on itunes It's a little romance and you're looking at them side by side You're like, I think they're the similar age And she's just rail thin trying to fucking hold it together and he he is so fucking fat in that movie Just so fat like this. So it's just so well. That's the one that he died right after that. Yeah, I think he did He was really big. I know it's such a bummer heart attack. Yeah Yeah, I know it's really it's fucking Um, it's pretty crazy

French pain And then our favorite or some wells. He was real big at the end. He was really fucked up. Yeah So I was googling um fat male leads. Yeah, and I found this great list on rancor.com Look by the way Oh, he looks like shit too. Oh my god. Oh my god. Look at this whale fuck And they let them work these assholes work until they drop dead like really? Yeah No, that's true. Really? Yeah. So here's your uh, I pulled it up also

Yeah, read the read the title of the list, which is my favorite thing ever. It's called the most successful obese americans Really nice list to be a part of I could you imagine gotta be really Your pr guys like hey, you made this list on rancor the first sentence It says the most successful obese americans include men and women who despite being overweight have found mainstream Such a shit list to be everyone wants to be on lists and then you get this you're like a fuck Yeah, I'm why are some successful fat people Um, who are sorry who are some successful for some being obese has caused the public to question If they were fit for their individual professions

Athletes like john daly and bait brute blah blah blah Obviously punitive trash new york new jersey governor chris christy for his weight Um, sadly for a few of these obese celebrities They're overindulgence and created contributed to their death. Well, that's yeah, of course And by the way, I I'm not shitting on people for being fat I'm just saying like if you're a lead actor in a film and you're supposed to be a sex symbol And you're not a character actor and the fucking ridiculousness of this double standard like

Marlon Brando got to look like that and get nelfini and work and You know benizio's kind of barely hanging in there. He's come on. He doesn't look he doesn't look good. He doesn't look Doesn't look good. He doesn't look like like Orson Welles or Marlon Brando not yet You think he's not his way Another few another sicario three. Yeah, we'll see what he looks like Oh my god, this list though. I mean right off the bat. I'll tell you They have steven balmer as number one. Who's this guy? I don't know. So he used to be

No, I know I'm saying I've seen him in person. He's whatever like 20 pounds of the weight He was the CEO of of microsoft after bill gates. Okay And then he owns the clippers now. It's crazy to put him on do be successful He's not he's totally normal. Dick cheney. Dick cheney. I mean again, he's probably he's overweight But to be like you did it despite how enormous you are. It's bullshit. He's like old guy fat He's not he's like normal guy fat Uh kevin james kevin james super fat super fat come on dude kevin james super fat He's super fat dude watch king of queens

Maybe not in this photo watch king of queens next to lia remony. He looks like a fucking porpoise I mean the guy is but how fat do you think he's not that you're saying super fat think about what you're saying Look, I'm telling you watch old king of queens when he's wearing like his ups outfit. Okay. What about right now? I don't know right now. I think he slipped down since but I'm talking like I would say when king of queens was at its height He was a real whale. I mean and he was wearing that outfit and his legs are chunky I don't know. I mean kevin smith fucking slimmed down. He looks great But I mean to call him super fat. He was no

Lily may got yeah When he was doing king of queens. I'm saying the term you're using is not correct Well, what's super? Ralphie may was super fat. He was super fat because but I'm saying you can't throw him in that cat Oh, so okay. All right. So our scale is a little different. I see what you're saying I mean, yeah, you're you're described the way you're talking about is someone like dude. That's super fat So Ralphie's super fat is what you're saying. What okay, how would you fucking describe them? Do you not think Ralphie? Okay, but we need to create a scale here because I know I'm saying different scales. I think you're being okay. Well, here we go. Here we go. Super fat is

Ralphie and then one step under is Bert. Is that what you're thinking? Oh, yeah Bert Bert and Ralphie are kind of neck and neck close. Okay Trying to find oh, look on that one. They look super way there Dude, well, maybe we have different standards for what super fat is it's not it's like this is a special that just came out No, that's different. That's that's because he lost weight motherfucker. I'm trying to say this is right now I'm right now right now right now right now. Yeah, he's 30 pounds overweight now. He looks great. No, you're right now. He looks great But I'm saying at the height of the king of queens. Yeah

I know but that's still like it's that's so yeah, but it's not face It's not fucking you cannot say that this is anything like Ralphie fat. No or Bert fat. No, of course not. No, I agree with you. No, I agree with you Yeah, I mean look at there next to Leah Remini. Is that Leah? No, that's not her. That's his wife. Oh, they're cute together I love kevin james by the way. I think he's super cute. I like him having super cute and super fat I like I like husky. I like huskier guys. This is them right now the fat pack This is his from his show right now, and that's his brother who's hilarious too. Yeah Yeah, I mean gary valentine gary valentine. Yeah, he's so funny

Um, okay. Anyways, he lost a bunch of weight, but you you watch those king of queens. I know whoo. All right. I mean That's back in the day ouch Yeah, you got a kind of thick but the camera also adds of course All right, I just don't think he's that bad. No, he looks good now. He does. Oh my god Now I yeah, okay. Kathy Bates. There you go. There's a lady. There's a lady finally and she's great But she's always been the acceptable unattractive because she's why because she's so talented Right. She's so talented. She's guy talented. So we get her a pass is what the hollywood is thinking. That's totally that's totally it Yeah, if you're really good, they don't care what you gotta be exceptional. Yeah

Oh Shit aretha aretha franklin. I like how they they use actually a respectful photo. They use a 60 year old photo where she just looks like cute and She's big as fuck. She's huge. Do you solve a favor and google aretha franklin tits right now? And there's I mean those milkers are just yeah, they're really crazy. Fuck dude John goodman lost a bunch of weight now This is actually a post weight loss photo. Yeah, now he was pretty fat. He was huge Huge yeah, so that I would say makes sense not super fat

No, but fat but fat no but fat Do you think he was fatter than burt at his fattest or burt's fatter than john goodman and burt's always been fatter than Than john goodman and kevin james was not as fat as john as his fattest good point. Okay. Yeah, okay, and by the way Oof rosy roseo donald. She's always been just that big. Yeah, she's been just but I feel like she carries it I don't think she would look normal right now Who fucks this guy herald ham? Hmm. I don't know. American entrepreneur entrepreneur. Yeah Gas business pioneering the development of the large. I can't read it state of resources. I don't know

He's worth 9.3 billion dollars dang homie which decreased from 18.7 billion dollars so much god Uh, Charles barkley. I mean, it's always been a thing for charl's like the charles barkley is that he's been overweight, but again, he's Like fat for a Ridiculously talented pro athlete. He's not like yeah, I agree. You know Well, don't you think pro athletes get a pass because they've been in such incredible shape for the majority of their life He was always chunky Even as a player even as an active player and he was you know, it was thought of like the critique is that it was a

basically a little bit of a Lack of discipline. Oh, okay. You know that he was just like indulging. He was like, I still fuck people up So who gives this I agree and then he definitely he he ballooned at one point like he really ballooned after retiring Which is also kind of normal because you're not as active. Sure. Yeah So he's always had like a little bit of a weight thing But I mean, I could see why people would call him fat, but again successful obese successful Ridiculous terrible Here's the alley. She's always fluctuated. Yeah. Yeah. Oprah. She's always be so proud. Would you I mean technically maybe

But she's always, you know, weight's always been this thing with her too. Yeah up and down I wouldn't say obese. Oh roker Oh, he was super fat at one point. He was fat He did the he did he got like that weird neck and head now Yeah Yeah, when they get super skinny because he lost like 200 pounds or something, you know, that's harsh. Yeah Roseanne. There you go. She got skinny. Does she do bypass? I don't know, but she lost a bunch of weight. She did. Yeah Yeah, he's

I think he had botched surgery. Is that right? I think so Damn So did that one um, there's a football coach That had botched botched uh bypass. You can die, you know during that Yeah, it's pretty risky Ruben stuttered. I'm sorry for 2004 Okay Who's this guy akabakabano taro? You don't know who that is big sumo guy. He's fat Oh, he's always been fat. Michael Moore didn't he just lose all the weight michael more. I don't think so. Did he?

Yeah, I think he got skinny. No Yeah, really? I follow him on instagram. Let's see Mm-hmm Michael more. I think he was going through a skinny phase or something. He tried Did he lose weight? I don't know Well, he did I thought he went through a skinny face. I want to say

He looks like he's transitioning We're gonna see him on our tlc show this week. Oh man Is he becoming a woman is going on Yeah, they get they get softer 2004 Shaquille at this point this is kind of getting rush limbo is definitely fat I feel like I could definitely make it to this list if I if I did a few more specials Al Gore he can't be on he's not obese. No that guy looks super fat. Yeah, that's john daly

Drew carry lost it all. He did. This is a silly list at this point. Now. We're just getting out there. This is bullshit The sumo wrestlers. Oh carney wilson. Remember a bunch of sumo people. She was one of the fat wilson phillips. Who's this fucking guy? Yeah, okay, this list is absurd at this point Yeah, well, but i'm with you that in the movie business Where this is the moneymaker and this is this whole thing a lot of guys get a pass Well, then again, you look at some dudes like your friend mark walberg Who's a lead actor and he stars in everything and he looks amazing crazy and you're like that's that's a fucking movie star, dude Well, that's the standard

The standard you should set is if you're like you're the lead of the movie Yeah, look you gotta look good and who are like the people like him the rock Ryan Gosling. He looks amazing And even in comedy, you know, you look at starring movies all the time kevin hart is like in crazy good shape That's so true. What about that dude? What am I fucking thinking? Tom cruise is still in crazy good shape. Tom cruise looks amazing for his age 50s or something Dude, that guy never ages Yeah, um, oh bradley cooper

Yeah, that guy's in fantastic shape. He just looks comedic actor. He doesn't look like bradley cooper Yeah, he did the hangover and all that stuff. Yeah, but he's just like a movie star. Yeah, he um He just looks like normal Good Like he doesn't look like mark wallberg shape. Right. He just looks to know he's fit and healthy as mark wallberg Jesus Christ, but bradley just looks like like he's not he's obviously not overweight. He doesn't look like he's crazy yoked He just looks healthy. It looks good. He looks like the hot dad At preschool. Yeah, we drive your kid off and you're like when I was like the hot dad. Yeah

Everybody's like 100% be on that list now that I think about it if I was obese if I was more successful Then if I was more successful, they would definitely be like, uh, there's this fat netflix guy who despite his weight Yeah, despite his morbid obesity. Tom segura prevails. Yeah, that's really crazy. Should I think I would be too? Um, hey, mommy's really nice. Thank you So I hope it all is well listening to the podcast about the guy's friend using Subtitles preemptively laughing at the jokes. I do agree for the most part that it's a bad move To have those on if you don't have any hearing problems. I however

Do agree with keeping subtitles on oh, I keep them on because I can't hear from one of my ear pussy And the other ear pussy here is just fine It's just what he wrote, but it's also because Sometimes it's easier to comprehend what the comedian is saying when you read the text in case you miss something I don't always look at the text when watching stand-up. It's also a case of add Or I won't have patience to hear what the comedian will say So I'll read the text on the screen Wait for the delivery and then I will laugh. It's kind of like what I was my theory

Which was having anxiety about the moment of weight. It's a surprise. Yeah Yeah It all comes down to a matter of preference Anyway, that's my answer to the question about having subtitles on love you keep the jeans high and tight Hope the baby comes out of maze chris. Yeah, thanks chris Um, whatever your ear pussy like your pussy is so stupid. I feel like that's something that was said Ear pussy. Yeah, I feel like it was said Dog cunt. Yeah, I don't know. I definitely feel like um, that was mentioned. Um

Um Yeah, so subtitles. Let's see. There's more subtitles here um What this person says I mean, look, I'm watching a danish show right now on netflix called readah And I fucking hate it because you just know you're missing out so much on on you know, you don't speak the language I know it's a different thing, but Reading dialogue is is significantly different than just being able to hear. Oh, yeah. I hate it. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah

um So This is there's more here for this Um Somebody wrote in for the youtube subtitles. They didn't we didn't realize this this will either Help the subtitles are for lunatics argument or the home here now confusion. Here's an email Uh, I don't think I didn't think about until today, but I put subtitles on your recent youtube podcast I think we have the answer for our perverted piss on me beat me champ

No, shit doesn't translate perfectly But you'll see I guess there's subtitles provided on youtube videos like this fucking shit, uh, but it says home here Home. Yeah question here now. I attached a screenshot um Anyway, I love the show I also enjoy shouting four stroke gang at mini golf staff So look at this right here. That sounds like a girl. I like it. Oh, this is the subtitles Look how happy Natasha looks to be here. If I may have pissed somebody beat me at home. Yeah now

Yeah at home. Yeah now. Mm-hmm at home. I'm home here now at home. Yeah now to further the point That what is being said is Clearly, huh? clearly Home here now at home. Yeah now it says at home. Yeah. No, we got this email. Hey, hey there Todd and Christine Initially, I didn't think ymh Mustached cast and over was saying I'm home here now. I thought he was saying how a man out as many listeners Have sworn that he is saying but I still wasn't totally convinced

And realizing that the problem with the audio is that it is too open to interpretation I instead played the video and carefully watched his disgusting mouth Then multiple times at half speed There you can clearly see his mouth open for the first word His lips come together and then open again before saying the second word This is solid evidence that his first word is I'm Now for the second word, you'll notice that his mouth forms a circle which we already knew Then his lips immediately come out together again

Just as they did before clear evidence. The second word is home For the third word the important thing to take into account is his east coast accent There's no hard r instead is replaced with an a or y sound So here becomes here or here right because of his intoxication from being on whatever he's on And also because of the sheer and immense excitement at all the homeless convict caught coming his way His words slur together. So home here becomes home. Yeah with a soft y sound home here home. Yeah Like home. Yeah, home. Yeah Now the last word is of no, but debate is obviously by all accounts now

There you have it this lyrical gangster this poet this man of intrigue and mystery is saying I'm home here now. I'm home. You know like that yours and gene's Graham here is a video Of it being played in slo-mo Oh, shit Fuck Yeah, I'm home here now. Wow. Yeah, that was indisputable. I mean, I don't know what some of these people are hearing

But he's definitely I'm home here now. I'm home. Yeah. No, it also speaks to The whole message of right come over come over. I'm here. Try this out do whatever you want to me I'm home. I give you my address 23 95. That's right. I'm home here now Right contextual evidence supports this and also the accent which is really interesting that this person points out I'm home here now. Yeah, he won't say his r's hard. Yeah, very interesting. It's very very interesting. I know compelling Compelling. Yeah, this presale went nuts here for the new one This is absolutely one of my top favorite your mom's house shirts

I just I love everything about this design. I love it. I just love this I god bless whoever drew this one sketch. Uh, chris drew this What it has all the different All the different possibilities of what he's saying although i'm obviously on team home here now There's homey out homey on out hold me down Ho a man out home right now hold me out hold a man down Own me in and out. Hollow me out everything that people think they're hearing is on that shirt And the drawing is just spectacular. Go to merch method.com

Slash tom segura or you go to tom segura.com. Just click on the store He looks terrible too in that Drawing drawing. Yeah, there's never a point where he looks good. No, which is wonderful. It's just so funny He would not be the star of a movie. No, he could no maybe he would actually Oh, right. Benicio del Toro is looking a little oh man. Hold me right now. You're really rough on Benicio But i'm not good. Um, somebody wants to know some advice on Knife sharpening rough rough rough sounds like your domain, bro. I know let's see what he has to say. Hey gene This is kevin from montauk. Todd and christine

As someone who is not Circumstances, I have quite a sensitive helmet. So I've been trying to desensitize my glands penis Despite my commitment. However, the results have yet to materialize I've been rubbing and rubbing and rubbing 50 times left Right forward back and down every day sharpening the knife But the results are very slow. If anything, it's way worse than before I'm still reaching totality in only four strokes Although my brother suggested I try to lay off the meth since I have no neuropathy

I'm starting to consider alternatives at this stage such as sandpaper Wishful thinking changing my pronoun controlled chemical burns or becoming a hermit not which Route to take hoping you can offer insight. Anyway, I just felt I needed to share Maybe this information can help other dog cunts with similar issues Keep up the good work and fuck me in my ass man. Hey, haven't wow That's a real nice message. Kevin has a wonderful letter. Yeah, that's uh It's a really good way of putting things. Um Knowing rapid the issues. Yeah, so I don't know. Um, how do you fuck with my ass, man?

How do you desensitize the glands penis is what he's asking? It seems like he's already he's doing what with the great doctor advised, right, which is you You have to work, you know, you have to rub rub rub all the time He's saying he's doing that. It's making it even more sense. I I don't understand that. I mean in my experience, obviously You're usually more You know trigger happy if you

haven't had those soft touches In a while, you know, it makes sense because you're not Yeah sensitive, right, but then the more you do it I mean, you are more sensitive, right because you haven't touched it. Right, right But maybe it's also You need you need a lady friend or a guy friend. I don't know what you're into and um Someone to to work with on it, you know

I think alone. It's different Because you can be in control of yourself alone. Then you're with somebody else Oh, you bust real quick. So you need someone else to help him rub rub rub. I think so and then make it not such a shock you know, not such a Uh surprise To your system like oh my god, there's somebody else touching it right now Oh, right. Sure. You know, hey, this is your domain. I had a friend in college. She told me that he was so excited That he was with this girl and they went back to his place and she just touched his leg and he came in his pants

He was like Oh, that's so sad. I know I was like no because I've had I definitely had like Fucking eight seconds, you know where you're like, here we go Ah, but I never had someone touch my leg and it happened Yeah, that's the sad part about being a guy. That's got to be really tough. Yeah, because once you blow your your stuff Then you got to wait to regroup. Yeah, you know You got to build up your supply. That's the thing though. I remember talking who I talked to about this one I talked to rocko about it that time when he came to the show. Yeah, what did he say? He said

Uh, he's like you just need to work a lot He talked about it work a lot like professional. He's talking about shooting films. Yeah, I was like, how do you control your? You know your your shot and he's like, oh, he's nothing Yeah, but how how does somebody start? He goes you work 30 days. You have complete control So he was saying like well, I thought it made sense too because if you're talking about You know, let's say I don't have sex for two weeks, right? And then you know, I've been traveling I come home. Yeah, that's not gonna be a long one But then if you have sex four times that week

By the fourth time You know, if you're not that sensitive it makes sense It does make sense. But this guy's like he's he's doing his his training And he said it's still not working. I don't know how to advise him. Is he here's what I'm thinking Is he training? Rob Rob to the point of begogging Or he's just rub rub rubbing without any Any

Circumstances well by master circumstances Um, you know lesson is that you're supposed to 50 50 50 50 50 50 With not without begogging. That's where I think the logic might be flawed with the rub rub guy Is that maybe if he begogs so much, maybe that'll help Build his tolerance built the uh, you know, because if you're constantly begogging Doesn't that help like a rock was saying? Yeah, but you don't want to begog all the time you want to

What you need to do is rub and then if you feel it happening before you want to you pull back I don't know. Listen. This is so you're learning this. No, you pull back. You you don't go like How it's stroke number 15 and you feel it go you pull you stop right right so that you learn to have like more control over it It's got to be rough though This guy's jerking off a lot. Yeah Yeah, it's a neat topic. I hope you learn to come when you want to come sir. God's not watching you though Yeah, sure. What's on your fucking phone? Go to hell in a minute

You think this is funny or no Nope I already know It's a man on a swing He's standing I don't like it already. It's pretty cool Look at that. He's doing Yeah, whoa huge swings on this thing Oh

Is that my tribe it sounds similar it does sound kind of similar right? um So he went Is it this is the one right here Yeah, I don't I don't like this one. This is the one he's going to fly Oh Fuck And then he just went head first into that. Yeah, that's not good dude. I think he's all right though

I think he's all right. That was a big flip though. That's a lot of momentum Okay funny or no nope you don't like so no I don't like people getting hurt jeans, but I mean he's not hurt How do you know that is there a follow-up video that shows him walking around talking? Yeah. Oh, where is it? Let's see Hey, let me play Babe Uh, man, I've been waiting to try to get this message back from this person, um

What person well Uh, we talked a little bit a week or so ago a couple weeks ago about Certain guy we found his video and then he saw that we played his video and now he has something to say Daddy long neck Um, I just watched that broadcast that time Just made like a few days ago And i'm calling him all fucking ass out. Oh, she's tom. Yeah, what about me? I can why I don't get called out

I made fun of him. Are you out of your mind? Oh, first of all, this is a respectful thing. Oh, is it? Well, yeah, he's not gonna call out the woman bros two men He's really scary. Catch these motherfucking hands. Oh shit See I'm a daddy around there Yeah You know disrespect my neck like that. You put some respect on my neck. Hell yeah, yeah peace

So daddy long neck had some shit to say to me. He's talking some shit. So I hit him up yesterday. Yeah, and um We had some conversation going on instagram And I said, you know, I don't think I could handle these things. You got to find an appropriate opponent, you know, I don't really think I'm the guy to uh To fight him, you know, I just don't think that would be You're a little older. Yeah, I'm older and Geographically, maybe wouldn't work out. Yeah, those kids not in california. He's in flint michigan. Okay. Um, Anyways, he's on instagram and he posted I I I immediately thought when he was challenging me to a fight

I don't think it's an appropriate fight. What about him in crazy looks though? and so I I suggested that And he's like, I gotta check him out. He's like, I'm gonna check him out And then he put this on instagram. He goes cigarette time. I'm going to kick crazy looks ass. Oh shit I got hands faster than mike tyson Share this to like crazy looks. No, I'm not fucking around I also want to join your podcast on a call so I can say a little something to him. Okay, and then he said hashtag

I'm not necking around. He's not necking around. No, so he made this thing. Wow Damn long net versus crazy looks Damn, he's really he's ready for it Well, that will be quite an interesting match between those two. Absolutely. Yeah So his name is davie gravey. That's what it says grave Is that his instagram name? No on instagram. He's damn long neck. Damn. Yeah. Damn long neck. Yeah Okay, so I hit him up. I was like, dude, call in, you know, but I haven't heard about maybe next episode We'll have an exclusive with damn long neck. Yeah

And crazy looks maybe there will be some kind of confrontation planned I really hope we can get crazy looks and long neck to get into that'll be really silly Uh, crazy looks if you're out there, you know, it would be great to have you Send a message to long neck about Fighting. I mean, here's the thing. I don't know if long neck knows that crazy looks is in the gym all the time Wrapping training. Yeah, and he's training a lot. I see him and me sparring hitting the bag. I mean, so I saw Long neck's hand speed. That's no joke, but no, but as far as

Fight experience, I don't know. I mean crazy looks is is always at the gym Well, it looks like a long neck here trains bare knuckled. That's true. I'm not mistaken. He was totally different fights, which is Street, you know, he's a totally different style of fighting. It looks like we got to see what's going on with these two So, uh, I'm a big big fan of both guys. I can't believe you're resurrecting crazy looks. I know Well, I never are you sure you want to do that? I never saw it that that would happen. Are we sure we want crazy looks back? Put some respect on my name. He said put some respect on my neck. He did. Yeah. Yes. He did really cool. Really funny Oh, man Well, let's see what happens. You put some respect on my neck. Okay, put some respect on my name. Yeah

And he said he called our podcast a broadcast a broadcast so now we have a palm cast and a broadcast Close enough Close enough. That's really good. So Very excited at the potential Of a live fight between these two I'm excited to hear back from crazy looks. Uh, it's been a long time I want to see if he's still rapping and training if he's at Walmart if he's doing this thing stuff like that

He's not Doing all those things doing this thing stuff like that Stuff like that. This is going to blow your mind. Okay Look Who is here? again Doing this thing Okay, not crazy looks

Sticking on staying like sticking on sticking on staying a lot and then staying a lot Sticking on is sticking on sticking on sticking on staying a lot and then staying the night Stay the night stay the night Oh Sticking into sticking and a sticking and a sticking and a staying and I Staying I stay United stay United stay United sticking in that he's back. Yeah, I love this. Where is he? He's he's in a Looks like he's at Coachella What it says

He's indoors this time, but he's not out in the sun. He's in the restaurant last teeth is what it seems like too Yeah, he's got less. He's got one two three right now. He's not in the sun, which is great He needs to be out of the sun. Yeah, I'm glad he took shade. He took shelter one What man close enough I like it Whole new outfit whole new look really exciting. I didn't know we had another part to this sun has just completely God it's a little sun damage Yeah I love it. I love this guy. Yeah

I can't believe we got to have a part too. This is so exciting. It's really good The file says Christina's dad is the new hot sensation. He's touring all over the world now That's your dad. Is that where he ended up? I did hear he moved to the desert Got married to some vietnamese lady and now they're in the desert. It could be my dad I don't know. I haven't seen him in a while. It's been a while. I know Who knows? Yeah Such good work Now that's talent

You know what I gotta bring it up. I just I want everybody to know I'm super proud of you tom. Yeah You reached gold medallion status at starbucks Yeah, I just used platinum medallion. What are you now? I don't know. I was forever. I was one. I'm you know, like an old person so I'm resistant to certain changes right and and everybody jumping on the thing and I did not get that app for a long time Which is crazy. I kept telling you that way you can pre-order the drink you go in it's there I like it's just how I breathe. So I just didn't want anything to do with it. Yeah, I hear you

I finally did it and And so for those you don't know starbucks has an app you just prepay and then You can order your drink in advance of you going to starbucks and it's there waiting and you just pick it up and go I don't know. I don't know what held me back. So anyways, you're now you're in you're in it now mobile order for sure Yeah, all but yeah, then they're like congratulations. You hit this status. I don't know what that means Well, what's but what's your status? I don't know. It just said like gold and then something else came in I just Do you get special perks?

That's what I don't know like when you're assuming. No, here's the thing that They know me so well at the one that I like to go to no for the mobile order They're now doing my splash even though I don't request They know the splash they know the splash exactly how much the splash is and they're doing it even though It's not on the order. They're seeing Tom's order and being like, oh, he likes to splash What an exceptional starbucks location. I know they're the best there that you you can't even be one they are No, I will say because we go to the there's a couple places

Oh a sip of what water. I'm sorry. Hold on a second. Yeah, you're drinking brown liquid and I'm You're wet. I'm thirsty for water now. Oh and what did you just do? Reached for water. No, you didn't reach for water. You just asked if you could Have a sip of water my water, right? I like you to specifically say that right now for I would like a sip of your water Because I have water on the table and you don't Jesus Christ But let the record show you Anna

Mr. Segura Who claims to be the water champ did not have water at his desk today at work and I did and he just he's drinking mine right now And he's so thirsty your parts because you don't drink enough water. It's obvious Is a stupid argument. No, it's not a stupid argument. So anyways Yeah, we've been to a few in the neighborhood and they are like the dream team starbucks. This is the best one It's like you're like norm from cheers. You walk in and they're like tom. Hey, you're here. Welcome. We got your drink It's a maze. That's really crazy. They're super friendly and they do they do a great job So shout out to our local, you know branch

Good job guys Queer for fart to my main mommies and the deans of jeans My wife Christina and I have been debating this topic for five years now. Okay I know that you two have the insight knowledge and mental fortitude to resolve this issue When having anal sex air gets pushed into the brown barrel and expelled. I don't have anal The question is is this escaping air? A fart or a quiff Wow, it's definitely

A quiff this person goes on. I am firmly in the quiff camp because just like a quiff air is being pushed into the hole During the act of penetration. It's not naturally generated within the body like the gas that composes of a fart My wife backs brown Claiming this escaping air is in fact a fart based solely on the fact that is leaving the butthole Is my belief that a fart is born from within and a quiff is made And if you trace a quiff back far enough to its point of origin You will find that the air came from the outside A fundamentally different story than that of the fart we come to you with humble hearts

Assured that only you two can create the intellectual discourse needed to resolve this issue And we will fully respect your final decision Uh save our marriage respectfully Edward wow, they're really in peril, huh? Well the fact that this married couple is having sex in there. How you say Is wild um, it's like a regular you think it's wild. I think married regular anal is kind of wild Yeah, I I guess I don't know what we don't do. I don't do anal's probably why in my opinion is that it's kind of wild But if I liked it, I would probably request it. That's true. So frequently if it will make jam. Yeah, that's true Now yana, I'm allowing me to present my case

Let me I'm telling you I even as I was beginning to read this I was immediately team quiff because What do you mean team quiff clarifying? Well, I mean, it's a quiff. He's right. The thrust is creating an air Pocket air is being pushed into her butthole and then it's coming out as a quiff It's air that wasn't generated from within it's from the movement. It's a quiff Yana, I'm gonna have to differ an opinion here. You know what you're saying by definition A quiff is a pussy fought Now the air you're describing coming from the woman's anus is actually quiff like in nature. However, is not a quiff Why because a quiff by definition?

Is a pussy fought therefore coming out of the pussy. Yeah, but this is a this is a different location yana This is simply a different location. It is a different location and I respect that logic, but it's still it's an anal quiff It's air it's anal Quiff it is a quiff like scenario coming out of an anus Yeah, now the quiff is by definition a pussy fought So if we're going to change definitions here, this is absurd the definition is a pussy fart, but it's a anus Fart correct, but it's not a fart fart It doesn't necessarily matter

It does matter it does matter when it comes out of the butthole I'm not saying it's a fart now. Here's the real definition. We got we have to think about here It's not exactly a fart But it's not exactly a quiff because like I said by definition quiffs come out of vaginas It's kind of a hybrid of the two. I'm going to say it's like a quarf a quarf Well, what is what is a An asshole quiff. It's an asshole quiff, but it's not a proper quiff

It's not the same. You can't start calling anal quiffs. It's an anal quiff Okay, but it's not a vaginal quiff. It's not it's definitely a quiff and it's not a pure fart It's not a pure fart. It's not a pure fart. It's not it's an anal quiff, which is different than a traditional quiff Yeah, you know, mm-hmm. No, I I'm sorry, but I I'm a purist. I stand by my definition that a quiff is a pussy fart All right, I see that it's got to come out of a pussy It's really gross. Well, I mean, do you even care? I do care f a r t Yeah, so but you think it is still considered a quiff. I do think it's an anal quiff

Yeah, I think the quiff is not necessarily by definition a pussy fart a quiff Is about the idea That it's thrust generated air that escapes correct that that that thrust. Yeah, and that air Can come from two sort multiple sources the thrust can be from anything the escape of air can be from any Uh hole so any hole now see that's what we got to go to is it is it in merriam-webster? Can we look up? I don't know. Let's see I think that that would decide this once and for all. Let's look at a proper definition of what a quiff is Um, it says the sound is somewhat comparable to flatuance to flatulence from the anus

But does not involve waste gases and thus often does not have a specific odor associated slang terms For vaginal flatulence include vart quiff and fanny fart Vaginal and that there your honor is the hook vaginal flatulence. You're gonna have to be a purist here I'm clearly a purist. You're gonna be a little looser on your interpretation here. Yeah, okay But if I had to argue in court, I'm gonna stick to the definition of vaginal flatulence, but then how do you how do you? You are also on board with the fact that this is not

a waste gas You know escaping right correct the difference here is that it's not a pure fart. We're going to give it its own name. It is a Anal an anal quiff, which is different than a traditional quiff. It's like a sub category I got you of a pure quiff By the way, we have another Subtitler weighing in here. Okay. You just want to let throw my my own two cents on the proverbial poo pile of opinions Regarding the issue of Watching stand-up specials with the subtitles on I am a transcriptionist and the company I work for

Also does closed captioning. So I'm very familiar with how they do it The guidelines the company sets for the projects we work with Require us to change slang to grammatically correct language For example, gotta has to be changed to got to no. I'm gonna is I'm going to so in this respect absolutely 100 subtitles will shit all over the delivery of stand-up. Love you guys jc Settled. Yeah nuance. You can't do it that way guys. No Yeah, uh, here's a little game You see these guys right here

Oh my life So this is uh the piss on me beat me or fuck me game. Jesus christ. So what you're supposed to do here Is I got it already. I think is uh, I don't know why this it's not letting me do both at the same time. Yikes Oh for fuck's sake. I'm not gonna play you play. Hey, I would rather I would have a would you rather source to share this question region originated on the ymh subreddit I thought maybe the main mommies would like to weigh in a user myth of 1886 submitted a post titled we'd rather fuck mary kill and why With these three recent your mom's house podcast superstars

However, because fuck mary kills an awful game and since you'd have to be Homeless a thug or just out of jail to consider marrying one of these human scrums I've suggested we update the game a bit. So I would The would rather I've proposed to you is between the tried-out guy The sissy of freemont street and shit pig. Who Would you rather fuck piss on and beat? I really like the opinion of the water champ and also christina on this pressing red Stay glass and quarry

So you just have to say who do I want to fuck who do I want to piss on who do I want to beat the shit out of and The three superstars Are the tried-out guy The sissy of freemont and the i'm a shit pig shit bag whatever you want to call him that guy So it's piss on me fucking god with this piss on me beat me or Or beat. Yeah, wait. It's piss beat or what? It's piss beat

And fuck This is terrible. Oh my god. I don't know. I don't know how much I Fuck Yeah I don't know Well, here's what we know for sure The three of them. Oh, this is interesting. We could kind of sure we know for sure That all three

Want to be physically assaulted This guy says a good point piss on me beat me You know try it out. Yeah, he's like beat the shit out of me Yeah, this guy specifically asked me beat the shit out of by white women with tattoos and actually antagonizes them In the hopes of attracting he Is down with it even though he would like to choose a certain type And this sick son of a bitch was like you can just shit in my mouth And uh, and so we know also that these two outside guys are down with being pissed on

Which is one of the questions here so So far the three of them are down with being beat. Oh, yeah. So what I'm saying is You don't have to feel guilty about beating one of them. That's really why I'm bringing that up That was my first problem. Yeah, the three of them are down with it and this guy wants you to really beat the shit out of them Right. Sure. Sure. Um, the difficult thing here is We know that the outside two guys here the try it out guy And the shit pig are also down with being pissed on they encourage it. Right. Okay

This guy's not and you know the hardest decision of this whole thing is who to fuck That's the biggest problem. So what I think you really have to do is eliminate people, you know Now I think the greatest thrill would be from beating the sissy a free monster I agree. I want to hit him the most. I feel like he antagonizes you. He wants you to do and he's a bit aloof There's a sense of a little bit of arrogance. Yeah, he's taunting you He's daring you to do it and I kind of want to give that guy what he wants because he's a shit head about it I wouldn't mind giving him a beating. Yeah, I would be to show them too. I agree with that one Then the pissing it's like they both these two guys both want it. It's really who can you tolerate?

Fucking Who would you want to fuck the try it out guy or the dog shit guy? I mean I think it'd be more tolerable to get to fuck this guy On the end here on the right side. Why? uh because I think it could be a house of horrors with this guy and This guy the shit pig guy is a little bit more Um like he's just he's going to do what you say Yeah, he seems more together than try it out try out guys just a mess

Okay, here's what we're gonna do try it out guy gets pissed on because he's such a hot mess He's totally out of reality. Yeah, and then the dog shit guy gets fucked. That's what I'm saying That's what I'm saying However, you fucked the dog shit guy. He's gonna accept he's not pushing back on anything But does he want to be fucked? That's the thing. I feel like he wants more abuse than he might want the piss on me And then the try it out guy the try out guy wants to be fucked tom. That's all he focuses on is fucking me Fuck me. You don't want to be fucked That's the thing that's all he's asking for is come over here and fuck me at least in a key

He's offering it for you know Everything black guys At a jail whoever just fuck me. I need to get fucked a lot man I'm a dirty faggot. I'm a shit pig I'm a toilet. Okay. I only deserve rape The mediation. Okay. Okay. I'm done. I've heard all I need to know. Yeah, I've heard all everything Here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna piss on that guy. We're gonna piss on that guy because all he wants is dead He sounds like he wants degradation. Yeah, he wants to be humiliated. It's not the fuck

It's not the fuck the other guy wants the fuck. It seems like to me You're just giving people what they want. Well, yeah, then it's mutually beneficial But this is about what you want and it's time to stand up for what you want to do Right, but I want to do what's going to be a greater a better experience. Do you know what I'm saying? I want to match up if we're gonna do a love connection. Who are you the most turned on by? How about start there? Go there and then build out from there. That is a hard question to answer Who do you want to make? All of them are just so tantalizing

Which one turns you on the most? I think this this would be the most uh Tolerable to look at up close. You've seen me walking on the street. I don't like the teeth. The bottom teeth. Hey, shit bag And I will come to you. See, I mean I could hang out with this guy. I don't want to hang out I could definitely I could get into being like hey shit pig get over here. No, I think he's saying shit bag He's has a heavy accent shit bug shit bag. So I think maybe full pino. Yeah, I would rather hang out to try it out guy I would just because Because of the cool shit that he would say I would laugh so fucking hard. He's so whacked out of I think he's more unpredictable and volatile

Yeah, that's why he's more fun to hang. He's a better hang. I don't think he's a fun hang That guy's just boring. He's like a run-of-the-mill. You know, humiliate me. Yeah try it out guy. It's a wild card Like you're gonna see some crazy shit when you think I think you beat the fucking snot out of the Fremont sissy Without question. He gets the beating. We're doing that. Yeah. Yeah I don't want to fuck the dog shit guy. He's too fragile. He seems too fragile I think the tried out guy can handle a fuck Yeah That guy can handle being peed on he wants to be peed on and it's gonna be a better experience because he wants it

I don't like this guy. Yeah, this is a little different speech I'm ready for you to fuck me up. Any way you want to do it. You white cunts. Yeah off me. Anyway, come on white tramps She has to be dominant, you know There you go. Maybe uh, want to put me in her clothes all the time and fix me up like a girl So yeah, so he's definitely into it though. I don't like he's the most experience wise if you're looking for a fun experience I think he's gonna provide it He's the most annoying to me You know, he's a shot which means it would make sense to beat him. Yeah

Yeah, he really fucking I'm just still amazed that you want to fuck the tried out guy Well, because he wants it so badly He's willing to give you a lease and a key and put himself out there So would you do you would do the strap on I'm assuming because that's what he wants Well, I have to be I have to be a black guy. Well, I'm saying so you could get a big black strap on and give it to him And he could handle it. He's there. The other guy is too fragile. He would cry and be weird But I could pee on that guy and it would be fine. He would want that See, I think I'm fucking that guy. You're fucking the teeth. Yeah dog shit. Oh, yeah

And you're pissing on try it out. Try it out. What walk me through your logic here Um, I just think it'd be easier to be around a clearly really submissive Somewhat believably more stable guy, which I think shit pig is and I think try it out guy I just want to piss on him and take off and I'm beating Sissy to a pulp he gets beaten. He's annoying. No, he gets he gets knuckle sandwich for sure Um, yeah, that's where I guess we agree to disagree on I guess so. I mean, uh, we sure love to hear from you guys On this very important debate. Yeah

Yeah, it's you know potato potato I honestly the the dog shit piss shit guy He annoys the shadow me too. Try it out guy Amuses me. I would want to hang out with him. Yeah I wouldn't want to hang out with him. I'm saying voluntarily, but if I had to I would be him There are two try it out. Um Try it out musical by Severin from New Zealand and there's try it out

By jim k. Wow. I don't know what we do here. We got two try it outs try it out Press on me beat me. Which one do I play? I want to go to New Zealand. New Zealand. I like their accents a lot. Okay Um, here it is gene unless it's something crazy weird or something Then I'll uh, if it's if it's like super fucked up. I haven't heard it Then I'll just stop it and play another one. Yeah, okay. If not, this will be signing off and uh, thanks for listening A lot of hot topic debates today a lot of hot topic debates it's very very

Heavy and heated up. I feel like we're gonna have a lot of feedback. I think so too Um, all right. Thanks guys. We'll see you in a week Black eyes who love to fuck And fuck good If you're a hot black guy and you want to fuck me Hey You can move them, but you gotta fuck me. I need to be fucked a lot man Free food free rent and everything else man

Is the deal man Men from jail Homeless Or If you're a thug You want to come move in your friend can move into man Free rent you gotta lease and a key Fuck me

Free rent you gotta lease and a key piss on me beat me I'm I'm here now Just hoe a man out if you see me you want to come over today Try it out Try it out man If you're in my building

Try it out man You want to come piss on me Try it Serious replies Only Just fuck me I'm looking for hardcore guys Who want to do it

And to mean it And want to do it and want to deliver I'm a hard white trash Calm down. Let's fuck. I'm a hard white trash Calm down. Try it out I'm a hard white trash Calm down. Let's do it. I'm a hard white trash Come down. Let's fuck