Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 459-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: August 2, 2018

This episode was delayed due to Tom's demanding movie star lifestyle, but don't worry, it's HOME HERE NOW.  Christina had a THEYBY. She and Tom go over the huge upside of raising their child in a gender neutral world.  There's also a new cool guy who is just putting out to the world that he would like some sex and he chooses the most unflattering of camera angles to rope you in.  AND Charo and Top Dog are on the show discussing everything from M**ijuana to Charo's amazing farts and so much more. PLUS, your emails cover ANNOUNCING you have a big dong before you should it to a lover and whether or not your mommies fight before or during the show. 

We're back! Oh! Stupid! Oh, God. Lord Dammit, thanks for the instrumental. I got some exciting stuff coming up. What you got? Road dates galore.

I have a... Road beef galore, too. Road beef galore. Road beef galore. We added a Sunday show in Breastballs Beach. That's August 26th. The rest of the weekend is sold out Friday, Saturday. In your jeans, Oregon, there's about 100 tickets left at the second show.

Less than that for the second show in Boyz Seed, Idaho. We added a second show in Ball Sacramento, October 6th. It's Enfuego. You didn't get your tickets at first one. You'd better get into this one. Fresno, Bakersfield, and Fartmires, Florida are on sale. Jack Mioffil is really strong. The second show in Orlando is Enfuego as well.

Comegusta, Georgia. Oh, my God. Guess what? Montclair, New Jersey. The Wellmont November 15th is sold out. November 15th. Where is this place? Where?

Montclair, New Jersey. I never even heard of it. It's amazing. I went there last tour. It was fantastic. Montclair. That means that there might be a show coming to, you know, in addition to that. In Fartclair?

Yeah, maybe. Maybe I'll add one. Monterclair? I don't know yet. And in Temecula, Pachanga. November 30th, that is also on sale. What about Comemecula? Okay.

Comemecula it is. Yeah. Now, Jean. That's so stupid. Where can our bands? Oh, my gosh. Not for a while. But November 24th in San Diego, I'm sorry, Man Diego, at the House of Blues.

There's that show. And then on the 7th. It's not the House of Jews. It is the House of Jews. Thank you for correcting me. You're doing it at Temple Beth El Shalom. And then December 7th in Philhar Abdelphia. I will be doing one night in Philhar Abdelphia.

December 7th and then December 8th, Jewdork titties. The eight o'clock show is sold out at the Gramercy Theater. So we've added 10, 30, and those tickets are going quickly too. There's a lot of mommies in Jewdork. Yeah, there are a lot. A lot of Jews in Jewdork titties. There certainly are. Where do you think has more Jews, L.A. or Jewdork titties?

Oh, I think Jewdork titties does, yeah. I mean, it's in the name of the city. They did name it after them. No, it's definitely probably close. But we have show business, and show business is predominantly Jewish. And we've got Persian Jews, Russian Jews. Israeli Jews. All kinds, yeah.

I wouldn't like to do some research. Jewish, you're having a hard time. Come home. Come here. This is where you belong. Anyways, tickets at Christina P. Online. Get your tickets, please. There you go.

Thank you very much, Jeans. There you go. Very excited. God, there's so much to talk about today. It's very exciting. This is our first day back. First day back. A lot of those shows were pre-recorded.

This is exciting. Due to being a movie star, we had to put off recording this one and putting this one out on our regular schedule. Oh, my God. It's a movie star lifestyle. I'll get into it in a little bit. Did anything else happen in the break, or just you did this movie? Anything happened to me, maybe?

We're talking about this week, why this week is delayed. Oh, right. No, but I mean, since we last recorded, did anything happen, maybe? No, this was straight to offer. I didn't have to audition or anything. Right. No, I know. But I'm saying since our last episode, I looked different.

Our life was a little... Yeah, you got your hair done on Monday. Right. And then something else may have changed in our world. You did makeup and you got your hair done. Yeah. And I got a different shirt on. Yeah.

What are you saying? That, the weather got hotter. It's hotter, air conditioning broken. We're going to get into all that during the show. I said that. Okay. We'll get into it later. God.

Okay, I'm just excited. I'm sorry. Jeez. I'm just kind of to be back here with all the mommies. Well, Jean, it is time to go back to doing our favorite thing that we do. And that is the Your Moms House Pomcast. Here it is. It's been a minute.

We're back. We're going to talk about your hair. We're going to talk about my movie. The only things that have happened in the last month that have affected our lives. I got a new shirt. Shut up. There's all that to talk about. Okay.

And that's it. We're going to talk about it now. That's all we got. I got a new shirt too. Okay. Well, here we go. Let's open our show. Old school.

Here we go. Okay. I've been on here. I've been polite. I've been kind. I've been honest and sincere. Well, I like to have some looky right on my lips. I would like to have some titties around my face.

I would like to have some sex. This shit is big time. Don't bring anyone loving to this. What the fuck is that? Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura. Tom Segura. And Christina Pajitse.

Christina Pajitse. Christina Pajitse. Welcome to your mom's house. I feel like a level of elation doing this again. I know. It's been a while. It's really exciting. I know.

Especially because our lives have been so grown up in the last 10 days. What? What? Should I let the cat out of the bag? That's a big surprise. What's the surprise? Does anybody notice? I'm a little smaller than the last time I was on this show.

It's still a little poochy. But you farted. I farted and I made a big shit. And I shit out a baby. We had a baby. We had a baby jeans. Yeah. Our lives have been 10 days since I delivered little jeans.

Tiny jeans, actually, because our first child is little jeans and the second child is tiny jeans. Hi. How are you? What's your name? What's your pronoun? I was very offended because at the hospital we had to fill out a lot of paperwork. And I requested non-gender specific paperwork. I was given a hard time.

It was very upsetting. But. God. Razzle Dazzle, which is the name of our child. Razzle Razzle. AKA Razz. AKA Razz. Razzle Dazzle is going to live life.

Live life. Not knowing that pink is for girls and blue is for boys and all that nonsense. Football. Oh, only boys play football. Bullshit. Girls are really good football players, too. Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Yeah. I think you told our son that the other day. You're like, this is a man's sport. Football. You told him that. You're already telling him all that. Our eldest, I gave him a little football. And I said, men play football and hockey.

Yeah. Chicks play other sports. That was nice. No, he didn't say that. No, I didn't say that. But I was like, you could be a man or you could not. You know? Well, I mean.

What sports do you like? That whole gender stuff, it's really, it's so, it is so binary. It really is. Like when I see my son picking up just handfuls of dirt and throwing it, you know, or just jumping uncontrollably off of furniture onto the beanbag chair, you're like, this is a boy. There's no question about it. And what if a girl did that?

What would you say then? Huh? Uh, you know. So, so yeah, we had our little boy and do we want to reveal the name or? Sure. Do you want to tell him you came up with this one? Okay. Yeah.

The first one. Second child who is leaning boy. Well, we don't know. We don't know yet. No. His name is Julian. That's right. Yeah.

His name is Julian. Julian. And he is ours. I'm doing the paternity test. Dude. He looks both of our babies came out looking like miniature Tommy's. It's basically you, but really, really tiny. Yeah.

Julian looks exactly like Ellis did more or less. Maybe his nose is a little different. Uh, they're blonde. We don't, you know, we don't post pictures of our kids online. I posted like a jokey picture of a baby with a beard saying that it was ours. But I don't, I don't really. Three month old baby. And people are like, your baby's adorable.

I know. I'm so nice. I'm really supportive. Yeah. But, um, they look like you. It's so upsetting. And then they eventually turn into me. So that's okay.

But so we were waiting around. LJ looks like you. Oh yeah. He's a Hungarian. He's a hun all the way. He does. Uh, so my due date was July 18th and Cardi B fucked everything up. Yeah.

I thought we were going to have a dual fucking thing, Cardi. Yeah. She had her baby like a week before me. And so we were all waiting for him to show up. And we were like, I'm gonna have to get my contractions every night for like four nights before. And then finally they're like, we have to induce you because I'm old as fuck. I'm 42.

You are super old. You're having a baby. Yeah. You're much older than me. Just so everybody knows, I get asked this a lot. They're like, you know, people assume my gender. They assume my age. Yeah.

It's so offensive. I'm 39. I don't even know the lifestyle you live. I don't know what it's like. Being over 40. Has nothing to do with me. Nothing to do with you. I'm a guy in his 30s.

Yeah. Enjoy your last year, dude. This is it. This is it. It's a long time to go until I turn 40. It's not that long. What are we going to do for your birthday? It's a long time.

Seeing how antisocial you are, I don't think we should have a party. No, I would not like a party. It would really upset me if you drew a party. I know. No, I know. Your parents were like, should we come out and have a surprise party for Tom? No. And I go, do you even know your son?

That would probably be the worst thing to ever happen. No, I don't like that. I know. I hate it too. I fucking hate parties. It's more of a stress. I'd like, um, uh, you know, a dinner. Yeah.

With like people that I choose. No surprises at it. No. No. I'd like to have a nice dinner. Like, like five other people that we like. Yeah. Not Burt because he'll eat up everything.

Yeah. There'd be nothing to eat, nothing to drink. Definitely not Burt. No. No. So anyways, let me just look back to the birthing story. If you want, you know, I think now people are curious because you went to the hospital, you had the baby.

I understand. But I know a lot of people were curious cause I, I, I posted a picture of a woman. God see Christina do stand out. Now we're talking. So stupid. I posted a picture of a woman giving birth in a creek and I'm like, this is how I'm going to do it. Obviously it's not how I'm going to do it.

Nothing is obvious to people. Not online. No. I mean, to some people it is, but not a lot. No. And I did travel with a doula when I went to Las Vegas when I was eight months pregnant. That, that was, she's, it's a fancy word for a baby nurse. In case I were to go into labor, I'd have somebody with me cause you couldn't travel

with me. Uh, that's why I had a doula, not because I'm, I'm into natural birth. I'm far from it. So they induced me on, uh, the 18th in the evening and you spent the night with me, slept in the bed next to me and then all night they give you some pill and it makes your cervix. I watched porn. Jerked out a lot of times. Yeah.

Like all my medical fantasies, I got to kind of, you know, really. Which nurse did you like the best? I kind of, I feel like I know which one, which nurse I like that you would have banked like of all of them. I wasn't thinking about that. You weren't sexually turned on by the birth at the birth. No. Which, which, you weren't checking out nurses.

No. For sure. I thought there was them. I'm being serious. There was one nurse. I was like, Oh, that's Tommy's type. This is what goes through your head. Why are you about to have a baby?

Well, only because I'm just trying to distract myself from what's about to happen. Like I'm just, I was just trying to entertain myself in the moment. Like I'm trying to disassociate a little bit because it's kind of traumatic, you know. So you're thinking about your husband's type. Yeah. Of all the nurses walking around. Yeah. There was one.

They were all really nice. They're all nice. Yeah. Yeah. And no, there was one blonde girl. She was like a blonde hair blue eyed skinny chick. I didn't, I didn't look at her tit situation like you like, but I was like, Oh, I bet Tommy is probably masturbating her right now.

Jesus. I'm in the delivery room. God. So I dilated all night or whatever. Not dilated. So which one was it? I just told you she was like the blonde one. She's blonde hair.

There were like eight blonde ones. She was like the skinnier one. I'm trying. You know, I don't know. I can't. I can't remember her name. Okay. I'm trying to.

So 9 a.m. The next morning. No, I did. Did you see me and her connected? We have like chemistry. No, you know, you're very, you know, you were surprisingly respectful at the birth. Like you weren't flirty like you normally are. Like what?

Just kidding. Do you know that husband, there are husbands that do that, like that flirt with the waitress in front of their wives. It's so gross. My dad would do that all the time in front of my ex stepmom, like flirt with the waitress. Yeah. So gross. Okay.

So 9 a.m. rolls around. They bring us down to labor and delivery. Yeah. And we, at 9 a.m., I remember you and I hear this blood curling. Holy shit. Stream. Yeah. That was really intense.

It was like the movies where you hear women giving birth, you know, how they're like, ah. It's crazy. Not, not. Like that. Yeah. Yeah. It's so weird.

Oh, shit. Like that. But it was like. Yeah. Even louder. Someone. Someone. Yeah.

Breathe. Breathe. Push. Push. Push. Push. Push. Right.

And then we heard a baby cry. It was, it was actually terrifying. It was fucking horrible. Like really intense. And we walked by that room and I was like, yeah. And it was at that moment, I go give me the epidural. And I had had like a whisper of a contraction at that point. I had maybe two real contractions.

What is this thing with women about like, oh, you're not going to feel the pain? Why do you guys do that? Oh, I, you know, I don't know. I asked this friend of mine who was like, I want to do it naturally. She didn't do it. You know why? Because there's a badge of honor amongst women for the suffering involved in motherhood. Like how long did you breastfeed for?

Are you exclusively breastfeeding? Did you get the epidural? Did you suffer? It's like a badge of sedent, it's just, it's a stupid thing between us that like, if you could go longer without the epidural, you're somehow a better mother, you're, you're stronger. You know, you're more capable. This is more, I think this is more evidence of why chicks are dumb. I think you're right.

I'm actually going to side with you on this. I think it's preposterous when people opt out of an epidural. First of all, it doesn't, as far as I know, it doesn't hurt the baby. That's why they put it in your spinal column. It doesn't fuck with the kid. Secondly, you wouldn't even get a cavity filled without anesthesia. Why would you blast an eight and a half pound baby out of your cooch and go through the contractions and stuff?

It's just silly to me. It's silly. So I had the epidural, we, you know, they lay me on my side, they put a fucking beach ball between my legs, which is supposed to help the baby come down the trail faster. You know, you're eating your sandwiches and masturbating to porn as I were waiting for the art when nurses dilating, dilating, dilating. And then that's it. They tell you to push and then an hour, an hour and 20 minutes of pushing.

And then Julian blasted my badge came right out of your snatch. I watched it. And did you, did you, but you didn't look at my badge this time you said, well, here's the thing, you're so, it's funny. You can be in, it's funny. You could look at something and not notice something in the same eye line because I'm seeing him crown like basically his hair and kind of, I see your post just kind of going like expanding like something's you're about to like take a real big shit

out of your post or something. Right. And then no, it's a, but does that trip you out? Are you like, no, because you're here's the thing is you're not like looking at like, oh, that's it's, it's your wife and your baby. And you're going back and forth and the nurses saying this, the doctor saying this. So you're, you're just seeing it and it doesn't register, you know. Yeah.

And then when he's actually coming out of you, so crazy, dude, when I see like his head hanging out of you, yeah, you're emotional and you're also like, why are you, why, what are you emotional about? I'm like, what, you know, we can have sex again. How long is it going to, is it going to feel the same? Yeah, all those thoughts. So, um, no, I'm, you know, I'm seeing my, my baby come in the world, but it's a second one.

So it's, it's like, is it as fun as the first? No, of course not. Right. But it's still a thing. And, and here's the thing. I'm seeing him and he's hanging out of you. But even though he's this far apart from you, he's still in you. I don't actually see your parts.

Right. Yeah. It's all covered by a baby. Yeah. No, I'm just like looking at him. I'm not noticing three inches away. My snatch. Yeah.

I just don't notice it. I'll tell you why it's so, it's so embarrassing when you, when you labor because like I can feel him like, you don't feel, you feel pressure. You don't feel pain. You can, I can feel him like really fingering my Vaj. Yeah. He really was. I saw that.

I saw that stretch. Yeah. Like this. Yeah. I was like, bro, relax. Like, is that really necessary? Of course it's really necessary, bro. You think that the doctor is doing unnecessary.

Yeah. Yeah. I feel like he was pushing the vagina like, like really his hands are in there. We could not have had a better doctor. No, he was fantastic. But you think he's doing things that are unnecessary. It felt like he was, you know, when people are doing stuff and the stuff doesn't need to be done, you know what I mean?

I don't think it's that he's painting the roses red. I was like, dude, don't worry about it. I'll push this fucker out. You don't need to like push my vagina, lips back, back, back, back. He could be here more at this moment than him to explain to you. What if he listens to, he'll never listen. He's the best. So I'm fucking, you know what?

I'll tell you something too that I, we haven't talked about off, off air. When I was pushing, I pushed with an epidural. So it's a little numb. You don't really, you can't feel the contraction. I felt like the nurses and him were so disappointed in how I was pushing for the first, you know what I mean? Like, you want to know something? Yeah, they were.

I know. Yeah. It was so upsetting. Like, what the fuck do you want me to do? Yeah. It's like, I'd push as hard as I could at that. No, no, that didn't do shit. And I was like, and I didn't know what to say either.

I'm like, dude, I'm fucking pushing. Then you did the, because the pitocin, they had to turn it up so that the contraction moved the baby down. Yeah. Cause I wasn't naturally laboring. That was a manufactured labor and the pitocin was too low. So they had to fucking crank it up. Crank it up high.

Great. Let's go. I'm all about that. And medicated birth. Let's go. So finally, I, you took your big shit. Did I shit? No, I didn't say any shit.

I feel like I didn't. I don't think I should. I didn't see any shit. No, but then I remember we had our sassy nurse. Fuck. And this happened to us last time too. I don't know why. I think they do this on purpose.

These delivery nurses, they'll put in one nurse who's like Mrs. personality and then she'll try to crack jokes when you're fucking pushing. And I, I all, I was this close to being like, can somebody get shaggy green out of the fucking delivery room? Like you're the last fucking personality I need. Yeah. Cause believe it or not, Tom and I, in real life moments, we act like real people. There's no joking.

It's like, Hey, this is pretty fucking serene of a moment. You have course asshole. And she's like, I can't even remember her stupid jokes. It was a lot of stupid. I fucking hated her dumb fucking face so much. I wanted to kick her. If I could have moved my legs, I would have kicked her right in her fucking dumb face.

I laughed in her, I laughed in her face when she had something and she got very upset. Yeah. You guys had a little tiff, tough, tough truffle dummy. So I'm asking and she was like, her face dropped and she was fucking looked at the other nurses and cause I asked her out at the nurses station. So you asked her out. Yeah.

I asked her out. I was like, wait, what are you asked her? I asked her just a question about a visitor coming. Like what time can they come in or whatever? Can this visitor come? Can the visitor spend the night and she was like at your house? And I go, yeah, I'm asking you if somebody can spend the night at my house. Yeah.

I figured I'd come to the hospital and ask the hospital staff who can spend the night at my house. Yeah. You know, I didn't say it like that. I actually, I laughed and I was like, well, no, I know who can spend the night at my house. I'm asking you, can they spend the night here? And I laughed as I said it, like you're fucking dumb.

Yeah. And then she was like, you know, it was like she was embarrassed that I, you know, I didn't fully mock her. I just kind of giggled like, of course I'm not asking you that. She got and she, she gave me like two really smart ass answers and she looked at the rest of the girls and you could tell that they, um, you know, bow to her. Well, no, because no, because here's why she was, she was fucked up about that.

She's the person at the office who's the Shekhi. Right. She, she's the, the sarcastic funny one. Right. So when the professional sarcastic funny one came to town, she wouldn't have any of it. Of course. Yeah.

Yeah. I swear to God, I know they put her in delivery rooms thinking that it puts the woman at ease, but nothing makes me crazier than when unfunny people try to be funny with us. I know. It's like, bitch, do you know that this is like, we're professional fucking comedians do not come at me with your office humor, with your case of the Mondays, with your fucking coffee.

You know what I'm saying? Like your coffee mug joke, go fuck yourself. I don't need it right now. Yeah. And now I'm mad. Now I see how mad I am that they were, they were mad at my pushes. Like I, I'm fucking, I'm so annoyed that they were like, and I had to like dig deep to find a positive mental space.

Cause I felt like they were, they were so angry. Like everyone's upset with me cause I didn't push the baby out in like one second, fucking assholes. Now I'm all pissed. Anyways, he came out, he came out. No, they had to cut me again. They got, I have another fucking apesiaotomy, which is horrendous, but he sewed it up really well.

I have high hopes that my vag is going to bounce back. Cause I will tell you that this baby weighed a pound more than LJ. More than a pound, a pound and an ounce more. This kid was eight, eight, eight pounds, eight ounces. And let me tell you, I felt every pound of that thing come out of me. That is twice the size of my ding dong. Dude, let me tell you something. I've had my vag blasted before.

This was like a fucking grenade went off and it didn't even look like my stuff. And I, I mean, it was, it was so crazy. And they make you pee right away because you have a catheter in. That's like the first thing you have a baby. And the nicest nurse sits down with me and she's like, okay, you have to be no. And then she put on the water, she's Filipino. And then she washed my vagina for me. That's nice.

Yeah. Like she took the squirt bottle and she just lapped it right up. She was like, there's some aphrodisiac, like a puppy, like a dog. Yeah, just like a dog cleans up the puppies. You're all clean now. Okay. No. And, um, and this woman was rinsing my vagina with the, the first, the water

bottle and then she, she padded it dry. Yeah. And then she put the tux medicated pads on the, on the max, the disgusting maxi pads they give you on these horrible hospital panties and she, you know, she set me right up and I remember, and I said to her, I'm like, that was the most loving thing anyone's ever done for me. I go, I go, I've never had another woman lovingly wash my vagina the way you just did.

Thank you so much. It was, it was wonderful. She goes, Oh, thank you. That's so nice. The daughter, the daughter of Kim and so then I had, I forced pee out. That was cool. Um, you know, and then you're just broken after you have a baby. You feel like you got fucking hit by a truck for a few days.

They dose you full of Vicodin because you have contractions when your uterus goes back and now we have a beautiful son, a beautiful, a beautiful boy, healthy and he's great. He's gaining weight. He's, he's, uh, he's great. He's been home with us now for 10 days and it's been crazy. It's been great. And your parents came and they are fucking useless, but so fun to have.

Um, we had a good time with them on this thing because they don't really, you know, do much, but drink coke and, and annoy us. Yeah. They did entertain our toddler and gave him oodles of attention and he loved it. I mean, just loved it. It was fun. So that was great to have LJ, to have him looked after by them, even though

they managed to break all of our sleep training rules. I think he lived off of cake and ice cream exclusively for the time they were here. Yeah. I think he slept in their bed too, because I asked that, I followed up. And no, really? Yeah. Where did he get the idea of like nap in the bed?

Like that's where granddad was now. I don't know. He just, I think he's seen us more in beds and goes, I want to get in a bed. That's what you do when your parents are old as fuck, kid. Yeah. Your parents just lay down all day. Yeah, I think that's what happened. Yeah.

So there you go. I'm back. I'm still deflating my stomach. It's funny when you think you have a kid, when you have a baby that like your stomach just gets flat right away. Yeah. Not me. It's, you know, it takes a couple of weeks.

I'm still kind of puffy. It's all kind of, it's really neat to be on YouTube, though, as you're deflating so that everybody can comment how fat I look or, oh, she's still pregnant. Like that's kind of cool. How much weight did you gain? You ate like a bunch of stuff, huh? Yeah, that's kind of cool to be able to do this on the internet. You know, the internet's a nice place.

That's the one thing I've learned about the internet is it's, it's full of nice. Cause even Cardi B on her Instagram was like, none of you motherfuckers are going to see my body until I do the snapback. Like she's smart enough to not go on the internet and show her body. Me on the other hand, not so much. Yeah. No, she's a very smart lady. She knows.

So yeah, anyway, really disappointed that she, um, you know, did it without us, but it's very upsetting. Of course. Why bother making a pact if you're going to break it? Cardi McCarty, McCarty, McCarty, McCarty. Was that a different song? Body McCarty, Cardi, Gotti, Gotti. Her shoes are the Dottie.

I've been flirting with nurses, but you have found yourself another man. Okay. I've been on here. I've been polite. I've been kind. I've been honest and sincere. Okay. I'd like to have some throw the fuck up.

I would like to have some titties. You know, I would like to have some sex. Okay. Okay. How come it's never the hot guys that put the plea out there like this? Why is this guy not hot? What are you saying about him? I like it.

I never see Brad Pitt being like, I want the fucking titties. You didn't have to think he would get a big response. If he did that, I don't think so. I'd like to have a woman in my home vomit. I can make love to him. I'm going to throw. He's so creepy. Young men or these little boys.

They get to be watching Rachel Maddow. Did you see that? I don't care about your partner. Yeah. And check it out. He'll make a promise to. Oh, I'll make you come. I'm going to throw up.

Throw up. Last lady, 10, 15 times before I even went to Beaumont's. Ew. What? Yeah. Babe. Nice. He is so fucking gross.

I kind of like him now. Here's the thing I don't like. Why is he wearing a shirt if he wants to be on our show? Right. But it is a really cool camera angle. It's a shitty angle. Check up tight. It's underneath.

He's got on his tinted indoor glasses. Big creepy teeth. Big old creepy teeth. I mean, it's so close. The camera has nothing but his face and frame, but I can see that there's a shirt. The shirt's disappointing. But the message is what I like to hear. Think about that, ladies.

I would like to buy someone to have sex with. We got it, bro. Make her love to you. Bye-bye. I got it. OK, bye-bye now. Big smile. Look at his choppers.

Those are bad choppers. Yeah, he's got some fakies. That's fine, but a smile is. Oh, you're right about the up closeness. Like if you're not an attractive person, don't get this close. Yeah, go wide. What woman do you think responds to this? Like if it is a woman, I know, I know, I know.

You boys come down later for moose soup. You feel like that's who it is? Really? Yeah. Moose soup, ladies, desperate enough that this is the kind of dude she get down with, because no regular dude's going to go for moose soup. You guys are doing good. Do you think it's the back and forth kind of like this? Oh, I'll make you come.

Fuck, you guys are doing good. Like that? Yes, she would be looking for. She's like, she's flipping through guys that are nice and say, and then she sees this guy who's like, I want titties in my face. And she's like, my face. Well, because here's the thing, moose soup, lady, she lives on the river. Yeah, she usually deals with more

blue collared dudes. So when this guy comes around, she's like, oh, he's like a step up. He's a good guy. Not that I'll make you come. Not that blue collared guys are, you know, whatever. I'm just saying that he seems more maybe suave than like the river. He's suave. I love that he's suave. Like, but don't you feel like he will make you come, Tom?

Like, don't you feel like he means it? I think he'll try to make you come. I'll make you come. Or she drove. But didn't he say he got 15? He fucked 15 times. That's true. He really did.

He said he fucked 15 times without an orgasm, as I always said. She, she had 16. She had 15 orgasms before he came. That's what he said. Say no more. So he's really, he's down to lay it down. He's going to drop it in you. Who would you rather be with?

This guy, the teeth guy. This guy. Or the guy who's like right now, right now, right now, right now. I want to have the baby. I want to have this guy. Oh, my God, that guy is really fucking disturbed. Yeah, this guy is just he's horny. Now, he's got a bad sense of what to do with that. Like what he should be doing with how bad he wants to have sex.

So make this video. Just go see a prostitute, man. Yeah, just go $50. Yeah, go do that. What about the try it out guy? Would you do try it out guy or this guy? Oh, this guy, of course. Do you have any idea how fucked up those guys are?

Yeah, I feel like I don't because here's the thing. They all present, as you would say, in the therapy. We're guys creepy normal. That's it. Yeah. No, like here's the thing. This guy is creepy. He presents just creepy. And then I guarantee we're going to get a follow up video where shits way

worse or it could be way worse or it could be. Oh, this is the this is the tip because normal dudes don't fucking do that. Yeah. Have you ever made a video like that? Fuck no. But if you have, if you have door number one, door number two and you're talking about right now, right now, right now, right now. That guy's an asshole. Yeah. And try it out guy and this guy. This is your best bet, not even close.

I don't know. I'm going to go. I'm I'm still going to go try it out guy. What? I'm going to go try it out guy. Here's why you're out of your goddamn mind. There's a deal, man. I'm not a black guy who likes to fucking fuck good. Yeah. And first of all, he would hate you. He wouldn't. I'm not his type.

But try it out guys. Got some killer drugs. We know that you're not into drugs. I'm not into drugs, but I would have to be for this encounter. I would just get high with him and then we'd forget about it. But that guy's going to follow through on his promise. He's going to make you come 15 times. He's going to come again.

What if I can do that shit again? Yeah. Yeah. But I don't know. I don't. I think you see this guy know that he's like, I've been polite. I think he actually he knows kind of how to act a little bit. You know, I don't think he's actually a. See, this video for him is a different like throw of the bait.

See, like what he did was he did videos where he's like, I like, I like, you know, the feminine way. Like I like poker. I like watching baseball. He tried, honey. Yeah, he tried it. And since he didn't get any response, he was like, I've been polite. I'm really good at sex.

I like to have said he did that thinking that that'll work. It's he's actually just sharing too much. That's his problem. He doesn't know that this is not a good tactic. Well, yeah. He's he's chumming the waters with different chump. So this is another bucket. And he's like, is it is it sardines that the girls want?

Right. Is it worms that the girls want? No, that they don't want the I'll make you come. That women are like, wait a minute. This guy will make me come. Like he doesn't know that. But he thinks that that might work. The thing is, is that he's motivated by male motivations

and he's assuming that women are motivated similarly. It's most men's mistake is when they go like, I don't get it. You know, I just told her, I'd fucking make her come for four strokes. And that came so hard. Like girls don't think that way. Have you not been around women ever thinking that like, I mean, I told her to fuck her hard. I don't know what her problem is.

Super hard. I'm a pound of shit out of that pussy. And then she'd come all over the place. Yeah, it's not, it's not in our, it's not number one on the list. I'm not saying that women don't enjoy it. Yeah. I can't believe how big a stick was. That's a guy thing.

Like, no, we like big dicks. I'd say that. But I mean, not your brothers. Not your brothers. With no inter-apathy issues. But you're right. It's maybe as a woman, it's not number one on the list. I thought you liked small dicks.

That's what you always told me. You always were like, I like the smaller, the better. I never would say the smaller. You always told me, you're like, could you make it smaller? Oh, now I'm turned on. That's what you always said to me. Yeah. We're here just to, just to let the guys listening know.

Yeah. Yeah. Generally, if you're trying to, to bait the women in. Okay. You're, you're online. You're trying to, I'm going to make it come hard. Women like big dick. You don't lead with, I got a big dick.

That's not how you. No, they don't lead. Appeal with that. Women, listen, women like to come. Women like, penises of all sizes, yes. But you don't lead with that foot because most women don't want that as like the headline, unless they're total animals and they're on, they're on a fuck thing like Tinder or whatever.

Fuck tear. Yeah. Yeah. Like unless she's putting out there like, I want to come, then yeah, that's who you answer that with. I tell you though, as somebody who obviously doesn't, if somebody, if a woman hit me up, I'm saying, let's say I'm single.

Yeah. I'm on Tinder and this girl was like, are you down to fuck? Yeah. My, my thought, and maybe this is just my own insecurity. I'd be like, oh, this is, I'm getting catfished right now, right? Of course. And if she was like, let me see how big that dick is.

I'd be like, you're gotta be kidding. Like, how would I ever believe that that's sincere? Because it seems so out of left field to get from a woman that I'd be like, this is not normal. This is a, this is another guy. This is a dude who's going to jack off to my dick. Or just someone's fucking with me. I'd be like, this is not real.

This is like a guy friend. Well, as somebody, I have a friend who is on these, like, who's on Tinder and on these fuck sites, rest assured, there are women out there who really do just want to see your dick and get fucked. Now, a lot of them are in relationships and they'll be like, I'm, I'm married, but I'm looking to swing or I've got a boyfriend.

I'm looking to whatever. There are animals out there, disgusting pigs that are willing to. I know that they're out there. I'm saying the, the, even the lady who was just putting out there, the lady, she ain't no lady. Well, you know what I mean? The DM message of like, are you down to fuck?

I was a hundred percent. I'd be like, it's not a real person. It's a dude or a bot or like a prostitute. Yeah. How could you be? I mean, that's the thing is I would, I don't know. I just wouldn't buy it. I want to buy it either.

It's, it's generally, it's out of the norm of feminine behavior. That's what let's, let's leave it at that. Like, I think it's, it's out of the norm. So, so what, here's what does work on women for the guy listening. Okay. Yeah. Lies. Here's what I mean.

Okay. Yeah. Tell us emotional connection. Women have to connect to you emotionally. Generally. That's not, I'm not, you know, it's a broad, I'm just saying we have to feel something for you emotionally. What's the lie that guys should be that you're interested in

looking for a relationship unless she goes on. But see, it's more believable. I think if a woman's like, I'm not looking for a relationship, like that word play seems more believable. So that, that what? Sorry that he's not. Let's say the girl just wants to hook up her saying like no strings. I just want to hook up.

Oh, right, right, right. That seems like that language seems more believable than like, you got a big dick. Right. Right. Yeah. I would, that's right. So, okay.

Very good point. So let's say you're the guy that wants to just hook up. Just do no strings attached. Yeah. But don't be like, I got a big old dick. It's going to make your pussy. You're going to come hard. It's crazy.

Yeah. Problems will make you come. Yeah. Yeah. You know, this is another tactic to make this tactic here. Okay. I just want to record you. What is your saying?

Dig, dig a lane, dig a lane for sale. I'm doing this. Yeah, I got a sale about that way, baby. You know what I'm talking about? So he is doing dick sale. Now check it out. Yeah, dig a lane for sale. You want $20 a pop, baby.

You want another spot, but I guarantee you're going to be all right. You're, I'm dead serious right now. This is like another version of the same guy, basically. It is. It's a different tactic. Except he's like, you pay me. You pay me. He's on the visual tip.

Here's the thing. Most women don't need to pay for sex. We don't have to. So this again, this is another flawed tactic. Do you think he's getting any, any, um, takers? Yeah. Negative. Give me $20.

I guarantee you'll be all right. You know what I'm talking about? No. No woman. Dig a lane for sale. You know what I'm talking about? Right now. I copy.

Give me $20 on there. How much? I'm going all night, baby. $20? I'm going all night. You dig a lane for sale. Dig a lane for sale. Now he might be a little fucked up.

Right? A little. He's got his $20. I like how, by the way, she, yeah, $20. She didn't even say anything else. No, she didn't have to. She just looked at him probably like, okay. Mm-hmm.

Okay. Yeah. $20. You know what? That was the fatal flaw of the, the TV show Gigalos that you and I loved for so long. Come on. I forgot. Hey, he was on that show.

You're, you're me. The problem with Gigalos is that there's so few women out there who need to pay for sex. Right. Like we don't have to give you $200. I think the only time it ever makes sense actually thinking about it when the woman does it is the woman who doesn't know how to do the no strings attached hookup. Yes. Because for some people that's it's, they don't know how to approach it.

That makes sense to me. I would do it like if I were a single 35 year old professional woman and I was like, you know, I kind of want a good experience. I'm lonely. I'm horny. I want to go to a bar and find some douche bag. Like let me get a professional. Let's get some guy who knows what he's doing.

I know what I'm getting into. And then, you know, I pay for it. He's clean. I'm clean. Whatever. Yeah. It's got a big old donkey dick in his legs and he's going to, he's going to roll play. He's going to play.

He's going to be the gardener and be like, I left the, I left the bill. I don't know if you pay to get. Oh, how much right? Oh, you. Yeah. I got my leaf blower. And then he pulls it out. Like, have you seen this leaf blower?

Yeah. And you're like, oh, my goose. Oh, my sprinklers broken. I like it. You know what that means? I, um, I, yeah, I don't know though, again, I, I say that, but I don't know that I'd actually have the courage to. Well, we got a, a ding, a dingling.

To do that. Message here. Okay. It says, uh, Jeans, I was listening to 458 and you were discussing the idea of giving explanations of your body before the act occurs. Yeah. Got me thinking back to my college days and I was seeing a guy that was 12 years older after many meetings and make out sessions in the bars.

He finally took me home. I was so stoked yoga instructor about to give me a free lesson. We get to his place. He tells me he has to warn me, warn me about the size of his member. As you can imagine, my mind races to so many different places with the dread of a small wee wee. I try to remind myself of the saying it's not about the size, but how he uses it. I let him explain with my excitement.

He tells me it has some girth to it and I will more than likely bleed. What? As I was a 21 year old promiscuous college girl, I was up for the challenge. We proceeded to get dressed and I was like, Oh yes, definitely biggest one in my book. After a few thrusts, groans and throws, I noticed it's a bit more wet than usual. Unfortunately, the pain outweighed the alcohol and the bed looked like a murder scene. I was devastated and embarrassed. He told me to hop in the shower after a while.

He joins me in the shower tells me that this isn't the first time that's happened to not feel embarrassed. We go back to the bedroom and to my disbelief. He had changed all the bedding and it looked like nothing had taken place. We lay there. He tells me if I would like to, he would like for whatever this was to continue. He promised to take it easy. We saw each other for almost a year and thankfully it was never that bad again.

Thanks for reading my story. Thank you for pirating me with entertainment and my commute to work. We'd love to see you in the Midwest. Number one mommy, Jessica. Jessica, that's a lot of vaginal tearing, I'm assuming. But it also sounds like she adapted. They saw each other for a year. Yeah.

I think you should probably, when you're drunk too, you may overestimate your ability to handle. A hundred percent. Yeah. Like if you use a lubricant, I think sounds like also it was nice that he gave the warning. Really nice. Yeah. You know, I think you should.

Why not give somebody that has done this to other people? Yeah. And there's this thing that happens. That's so unreal. It must be so painful. Yeah. Oh, somebody. Hey, Hitler.

I forgot that one. I find with my, I fight with my big stupid boyfriend all the time, mostly because he's always taking 10 to 12 gender benadryl before we make it better than fitness. He comes after four strokes. Since every couple has fights, I was wondering if your genes ever get too low and loose on recording day. Oh geez. The mommies have to put their lovers quarrel aside to record why I'm age.

Feel me? Know what I mean? Know what I'm saying? Just want to know if my mommies ever fight like a normal married couple. Any advice on how to avoid or quickly end relationship fights? Thanks, Jeans. No, we're perfect. Sarah Nee from Titsburg.

No, right, Tommy? We're totally perfect. Don't know what you're talking about. No, of course we do. You know what the best, here's the best thing. My advice, we definitely have our fights like any normal couple. I think the best thing is we're actually pretty good at talking it out. Yes.

We're good at sensing it. Like, I know something's wrong. I know you're upset about something. What is it? And the thing that I've learned to do more as I got older with experience is after you make, you know, you need to get off your chest. The other person has to listen to you. You have to listen to them.

And as long as you try to see the other person's perspective and they try to see yours, usually you can resolve things pretty quickly. That's what I try to do. It's like, hey, I'm upset about this, blah, blah, blah. Here's what it is. This is why I'm upset about it. Do you understand why I'm upset? Yeah.

And when someone like goes like, yeah, I do understand why you're upset. Usually a lot of what's bothering you kind of goes away. And then they say it to you. Right. If you're like, okay, well, at least I understand where you're coming from, it kind of resolves it. But I have to admit, when we do have our disagreements and stuff, it's so hard for me sometimes when I'm super angry to understand your side of it, like I have to calm myself down.

Of course everyone does. So much. But wait. What the fuck is he saying? I know he's fucking retarded. I know he's fucking wrong. I know he's so stupid. I hate his fucking guts.

I want to tear his face off. And then after I go through all that stuff, after I curse you and wish you were dead, then I go, maybe I should listen to him because then that's the only way we're going to stop this fight. Really nice way of describing the whole thing. You've got to be so retarded. Yeah. Yeah.

Because I hate the fighting too. Not a fighting ceremony. You just wanted to stop, you know? Somebody one time was like, why don't you air your fights more? No. That's not the show. Now, I propose your question about recording day. Absolutely.

There have been times where we've been recording and had to stop and have a little thing and then we go back to the show. The reason, I don't know, we don't include it because it's kind of like sometimes it trickles into very personal things that are happening in the house. I don't want everybody to know every, every, every, every, I mean, we share a lot. But there's some shit that Tom and I should keep private too, I feel. There's that. I also feel like this, I mean, our show is silly.

We like to have a fun time. We joke around, we play crazy videos and drops, and we have fun. So if like, I'm, if I'm in an argument with you, to me, I mean, I understand the curiosity of somebody like, oh, I'd like to hear the argument, but it's like, to me, it's not the vibe of what we do on this show. So, and I, some people are going to disagree with that. I'm fine with that. You can disagree with it.

And you can also start your own fucking podcast. Don't you do your own stupid show? Yeah. Fuck you. Dumbass. Also too, I think it's a bummer for people to hear married couples argue. I don't like to hear other people's like, you fucked this up. Yeah, I don't like that.

I don't like it. Yeah. I don't like it, especially, you know, you listen to the show to get away from that shit. Why do you want to hear a fucking married couple argue about the same shit you argue about? You know what I mean? Yeah.

I don't, listen, the point is, yes, Tom and I argue, we do, we try to be civil. I think, I think the thing that's sustained our relationship is that we hold our tongues in terms of saying really evil shit to each other, at least, like, I'll think it, like I said, I'll go through it in my head, but I won't. I try not to say things that will like, that cause irreparable damage. I think that that's. Yeah, of course. You try not to shout.

We try not to be like, shitty. If you say something during an argument that can cause irreparable damage, it will. You have to kind of keep it, you know. Keep it civilized, dude. Sure. I know people that argue like that and you're like, man. Of course we do. We're friends with people that argue like that and it's explosive and volatile and some

people love it because then they can fucking make up after and it's that volatility cycle. I personally, I hate it. I, you know, I grew up fighting with my parents and my mother. I fucking hate it. I hate that stuff, man. Yeah, it's no fun. It's the worst. This is really what I wanted to get into with you too.

It's like, why aren't we doing this? Why? Are we in normal families? We have two kids, order Domino's for dinner sometime. All right, I'm ready to go. Our kids, Kay and Anzayla, are three and a half years old and we're raising them using they, them, their gender neutral pronouns so that they can decide for themselves when, if, and how they want to identify as a gender.

You know what? How does a kid say that part? How do they even understand the concept? They don't understand it. Three years old. Trust me. If we ask Ellis every day, hey, what's your pronoun? He'd be like, what?

I like cars. I wish this thing went into the, more into the depths of like, I wish it followed them around and showed them interacting with just like a, you know, a nice old guy at a cafe. He's like, oh, boy or girl. And they're like, we're kind of using they them there. And he's like, what? And they're like, you know, so that they choose their own gender and the fuck is your problem? And all they're gay now, um, there should just be a show, by the way.

I feel like it'd be a number one hit where you just show old people, yeah. Things like this. I would love that show. And just have them go like, I don't understand what's happening. It's kind of like kids say the darndest things. Remember what we did? But with old people, dude, that's a fucking great show. We got to pitch this immediately.

The networks, um, I think to nine times out of 10, these gender, gender people, it's usually the parents that are having gender issues. I'm guessing not the children. Do you know what I'm saying? I think that the dad or whatever, ma, pa, me, pa, ma, ma, he's the one questioning. You think so? Yeah. You're clearly projecting this shit on your children.

Let's keep going. Clearly. I think that knowing the sex or the gender of your child is important to other people, partially, just because it's part of the social system. See? They don't notice that they're any different from any other children because they have no idea that some children are she and some children are he. To them, they're all children.

Um, so like they don't notice any difference in the other kids that they're with. That's not true. That's not true. That's definitely my son. He definitely noticed a difference. Of course. Yeah. He plays with other boys because they like to play trucks together.

And sometimes he plays with girls and he knows that like this girl is acting different than the boy. We're playing dollies or whatever. A lot of young girls are when they grow up, they're told, you know, don't get dirty. Don't do that. That's not safe. Be careful. Those are gay girls.

They're not capable of doing all these things. Okay. Well, those are called lesbians. The ones that get dirty and play soft balls. And then the young boys are told, oh, don't cry. You're okay. Be strong. And then they aren't comfortable having emotions, which can cause a lot of problems.

Well, yeah, there are ways of teaching your children this stuff without fucking up their gender identity. You can be like, hey, boys can cry, girls can get dirty, girls can play football, boys can play dollies without totally screwing up their gender. And then they turn like eight and they're like, hey, I don't want to do that thing anymore. I've been doing it because that's for other, that's for the other sex. And you're like, yeah, that's good. You just hit a certain age.

You figure that out. Gender is not something that we have discussed with either of them at all, really. Or as nervous about that. Do you think maybe it's too rich of a concept for them? They haven't really asked about it, so we're waiting until that question comes up. It's not going to come up. See, that's, no, but that's the thing I want to hear. When they go to like school or camp and they're like, all right, and the camp is like, boy's

over here and girl's over there and, and then someone's like, what are you? And then the kid's like, I think I'm a boy. And then the mom's like, why did you, what did you decide that? And it's like, no, I'm a boy, right? Do you think you are? Think of that, how that's going to, that's so much more traumatizing than, you know, you, you identify them as boy or girl and then they later go, hey, I think I feel like a girl.

And then you go, okay, then you're a girl, problem solved. Like, why are you fucking them up from the beginning? Let them present later. You know what I mean? And then be cool with them presenting, however, like if Ellis or Julian later are like, you know what, I think I'm a girl. I'm like, all right, are you, you know, you can talk about it. Yeah, you feel it.

I'm not going to let them fucking take hormones and grow tits when they're 12. Why? You got to wait and see at least 18 before you screw up your biology. It's crazy. Sons was like, I think I'm a girl. I'd be like, throw in these gloves and tell me how you feel when I'm done with you. And if you are still breathing in three minutes, you can be a girl. I agree.

You know, you grow up rejecting your parents value so much. I did. Anyways, now that I am a parent, I'm like, you know what? Parents are right. Everybody's on drugs. Everybody's fucking retard and crazy. You just got to, they could vary like anyone can be transgender. I'm serious.

I feel like that's completely obviously legit. Anyone can be transgender, of course, but to tell a little three year old, three year old be like, I don't know, but that kid doesn't know what's going on. He doesn't even know. And to make an issue of it before it's an issue. That's, that's really what it is. It's like saying, you don't have to, if it's your boy, you don't have to be like, it's just trucks and football.

Yeah, you don't. Yeah, it's not necessary. Our son liked, I'm doing, but I'm saying you don't have to do that. Our son likes the color pink. I bought him a pair of pink sunglasses yesterday by a baby and a story. He liked it. I got it for him. And guess what?

And guess what? I threw it in the fucking trash as soon as you turned around. He played with it for a total of two minutes and it's gone. It's on to the next thing. So it's not a big fucking deal. If he came to me and said, I'm a woman, okay, great. Let's do, let's fucking talk about it. Let's do something.

But it's like, you know what I mean? It's like making, it's the same thing with sugar. No, they can't have the sugar. They don't give the kid, and then you make a big deal out of it. And when the kid finally gets her hand on sugar. He's type two diabetic. Yeah, they go crazy. I know.

Why, why are you making a big, just don't make a fucking deal. Kind of going to wing it a little bit. These people make me crazy that, you know, gender is something that's, that's fluid. And, you know, a lot of people have penises, identify as being boys, but that's not something that is necessary. You feel like you're a girl and vice versa. She's got vocal fry.

She's got serious vocal fry. You know, listen, not everybody has issue with their gender. Not every, they, these people do. I don't. I would say that I'm not fluid. I'm so sick of the, like some, like a lot of people, like most, the overwhelming majority is the way that she should phrase that sentence. The overwhelming majority of people with penises

are men who identify as men. And when I say, yeah, and when we say that we're talking somewhere between probably 2.8 and 3.5 billion of the men on earth feel that way. And then there's the point. Zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, one, five percent of the population than identify the way you're describing.

Yeah. So there you go. You're fucking weird. Let's not make this lady. I'm sorry. I called you. Oh, there is research that shows when you gender binaries in our language, when we say good morning, boys and girls,

or when we just say to our kids, come on, girls, or what a smart boy you are using gender to sort and categorize and label kids. We do know that that increases. Sir, certainly feels that way. See, they always are. They always are fluid themselves. And also they say there's research that shows they don't show the research, though, like what did you do, sir?

Did you did you pull five of your zims and then they told you that? That's your research. OK, the result of raising kids as babies. I'm hoping that they'll grow up and be supportive of other people and who they are and how they feel and really confident and so they are themselves. Right. So just raise compassionate children and don't put your gender shit on them because it's clear that the mom, the mom and the dad or whatever they are,

they're the ones with the gender issue. Yeah, I know the kids don't have a gender. Kids seem fine. They seem pretty good doing what kids do at three. They're the ones label and overlabeling and overanalyzing this whole horse shit. We get into this real quick. Jesus Christ, what is this world coming to? It's over.

Here is a quick message we got regardless as high belching and queen queen. I was watching your podcast, which I do sometimes in order to see the videos you talk about. I'm glad I did for episode 457. While Tom was deciding who to fuck between shit pigs, Sissy and Fremont tried out guy. I noticed he adjusted what looks like to be his glan penis while deciding on shit.

Pig is this acting or is he just getting horned up by shit pigs? So can you explain yourself, Derek? Well, here's the moment right here. Let's see. OK, let's see. I think I'm fucking that guy. You're fucking the teeth. Yeah, dog shit.

Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. And you're pissing on. I'm trying to try to walk me through your logic here. They're right. They, them, they forgot their pronoun and they're right. Look at that. Yeah, I'm jerking off right here.

I'm getting my four strokes at 50 time, 50 time. Yeah, I mean, what can I say? You caught me. OK, you caught me. Is it so bad that a shit pig turns me on? That guy was willing to do anything. He was like pissing my shit in my mouth. Is this the Sissy of Fremont?

No, no, no. We're talking about the shit pig. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was like, give me at the train station. Oh, that guy, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's, yeah, wow. Dirty fucking shit pig. Jack in your dick.

Yeah. I was so turned on by him. I mean, just that conversation got me worked up. Get me worked up. Yeah, I confess. It turned me on. We are going to get our boy. Yeah.

Come back here. You'll not notice that there's a break. Always feel weird talking about breaks, but this is what we're going to do. And I got some Charo Tom stuff to play you. Oh, I can't wait. I got some more clips. And we'll, yeah, all right, give us a moment

to get our life together and we're back. And we have known you're up to five. His dick was so hard and he came so thick. Ugh. My brother. I haven't thought about that guy in, you know, 10 whole days and now I'm glad he's back in my mind in my heart.

It's great, right? He jacked off in four strokes. So, so good to know that. It's so exciting to get back into it, you know? You're pretty happy to hear that. He's fine. He's fine. So gross.

We did a lot since we last talked to these people and they don't even know. Are you ready for it? I didn't have a chance to edit it down. I just have some conversation with Charo and Tom. I've been wanting to hear this for a while because we had a lot of great talks while they were here. Yeah.

A lot of stuff about hemorrhoids and cancer. Your dad likes talking about death a lot. Yeah, a lot of death talk. It was, it was fun. He also had this thing going. People heard it on the, I don't think you were here for this. You weren't because my mom was here where I was like, let's try to get, let's talk to dad about you smoking weed

while you're out here. You know, we had like a little bet going and everything. He liked, he liked, he's very pro weed, your dad. Very liberal. So anti weed, it's so crazy. Anyways, I brought that up like immediately with them. All right, so. Can we, can mom just try a small dose

without you getting really upset? No. Why? What's the big deal? It's a big deal. Why is it a big deal? It's, it's embedded in my character. But it's not a big deal.

It's legal in 10 states. Yeah, but it's not legal. It's not illegal in Alabama, Mississippi, Tennessee. We're not there, I know. It's, it's, it's not. Let me, let me tell you one thing. You know, we're very religious and the whole deal. Even the church has nothing to do with this.

So it's just your head. See, she's playing along right there. She's fun sometimes. Your mom is a master liar. Yeah. She's a really good deceiver and actor. So what she's doing right then is being like, hey man, like why not?

Cause she knows, I pulled her aside and she was like, it's going to break his heart. Like even if I do this bit, I was like, come on. Just fucking do it. Cause she knew that he wouldn't be able to take it. Yeah, but you know, it's an antiquated point of view on it for sure. What if you kill me for my anxiety?

Don't. What if that were the, what if that were true though? What? So Charo has a lot of anxiety for people that don't know. So it's a good, it's a really good lie. Lots of neuropathy issues. Yeah. What if I said, mom can take this cookie.

It's very mild dose and it would chill her anxiety. She'll be like, I don't want it. I don't care. I'd rather live with the anxiety. If she, if she really wanted to do it and she knows how I feel. I'm asking you, if you knew that it could, She's asking you about, Well, like deal with the anxiety.

You still would be like, nope. I'd rather you take a pharmaceutical drug, not this drug to deal with the anxiety that, I like pharmaceutical drugs. Okay. So what, but I'm saying, what if it cured the anxiety? You still would be opposed to it. Okay.

Well, I don't have to give that some thought. It's so annoying to me. Okay. It's so annoying to me. That line of thinking. That it's okay to take. I know we're doing a bit. Yeah, but he's like, yeah, yeah.

It's okay to take this thing, not that thing. Well, I guess because it's regulated by the FDA. Is that, is that, is that who regulates drugs? Sorry. Yeah. I'm retarded. Yeah. I think maybe because the government condones those drugs.

He, he, you know, I don't know. You just understand too, he's a Vietnam era guy. He went to war and he doesn't like the hippies that didn't. Do you miss, do you miss down the last episode that's in the audio? If you watch on YouTube, you should go to the audio version of the previous episode right before Nikki Glaser comes on. I dropped in a dental update with my parents and he told the story about in Vietnam when the guy tried to sell him weed and he put a M16 in his mouth and had his platoon piss

on the weed. Okay. Right. See, I think that marijuana, marijuana, marijuana, cigarette. I think that marijuana for him is a loaded social issue. He drinks, he does, marijuana. That is from the deep vaults. That was a deep cut right there from the wrong test.

It's from Stevie, for those of you who don't know. So, but I'm saying, I think for him, it's not even so much about getting high because he doesn't mind when your mother drinks. He doesn't mind when your mother takes pharmaceuticals. It's a social issue. It's a political issue for him. Yeah, I know. And marijuana, cigarette.

Yeah, it's just, I don't know. It's Vietnam. It's where you stand on America for him. I'm saying logically when you have the conversation with someone, you're like, so this could help. It's not that, but it's this. And they're like, well, can't be that. Right. It's got to be this that helps.

It is annoying, but he's also of that generation that, you know, reefer madness and that marijuana leads to heroin. He's just a different era. Why is there a buzz in this audio? I don't know. And it also sounds a little like on old mics, but it's not. It's it's not the Evie Micah. No, it's not the Evie Micah.

I'm the Evie Micah. No, it's not. Seems like I want to give us some salt today and just I don't want to the smell of it. You don't smell it. It's a candy in my mouth. There's no smell. I'm not talking about rolling it up. If she wants to do that, that's her business.

Okay. And that's not a way to me. You know what? I have to. How would you like if I tell you something that you want to do? I just part of my core character is what that I never wanted. I just never have endorsed that. I still think it's a gateway drug.

The buzzing is making me crazy. You want to clean it up and then try to clean it up and then try to air it later? I can't do it with the buzz. It's too, it's too much. Okay. Sounds terrible. Well, why don't we press pause? Yeah, let's press pause for a second.

Let me see if there's something I can do here. Just real quick. All right, we try to troubleshoot it a little bit. Let's see if this is any better. You would know you're not that kind of person. You know, you're not an addictive kind of person, except to like... I'm addicted to you, daddy. There, you see that?

That was gross. I'm addicted to you, daddy. He's called him daddy. So gross. Gross. Did you hear what he said, though? He said, it's part of my core character. Yes.

And he said, it's a gateway drug, so... He still believes that. Right, so that's that generation of like marijuana leads to heroin. Yeah. And it's a character flaw for him, because it's a Vietnam thing. Either you went to Vietnam or you smoked dope. Right, right. That's literally...

Like the hippies in there, yeah. He sees it as being un-American. It's tantamount to being a fucking dirty hippie who's a draft dodger. I wish he knew how much his children have smoked weed. Oh, he knows. But nobody kind of puts it out of his head. He knows Maria's. He knows.

She tells him all the time. I thought I was like, okay, I'm not doing this all the time. Well, he knows. Yeah, he knows. Does he know that you smoked pot, you think? Oh, yeah. But I think he just... It's not like an ongoing conversation.

You know, I don't bring it up. It's kind of like I'm Polly and I'm Bai. Like I don't need to share it with them all the time. Guys, it's Thanksgiving, but I have an announcement to make. I gotta tell you, I wrote a really good joke, I think, when I was high the other day. Like I don't call them and tell them that, you know? Yeah, it's nobody's business.

I don't know why people need to tell everything to their parents anyway. You just don't. You know what I find interesting? And maybe it's just a flaw in my own family bringing, is like when adult children call their moms. Like on that show, Below Deck, when like the 26-year-old girl's crying or mother about her... My mom's my best friend.

Yeah, I'm always like, wait, why are you telling your mom your problems? You're fucking 30. I know. It's weird. I've never had a friend like my mom. Yeah, it's so dysfunctional. Your mom's not your friend. She's your mom.

You're right. She's my best friend. No, she shouldn't be your best friend. That's wrong. I like that. I really think you should try it. I actually have a bunch in the house. I cannot go against your father.

I will ever seek it for a happy marriage. Don't do something that will upset you. What if I put it in your coffee without you knowing? That's a different idea. I didn't know it. I don't know it. I don't know it. You cool with that?

But why you tell him? You should do it without telling him. You are already telling him to do something that he's against. That's not the way to do it. Well, I really feel like it's an opportunity for you to maybe even... My anxiety is so bad, let me tell you how bad it is. I just booked a cruise.

And I have to ask the lady to try to get a table for two. And I said, if I don't get a table for two at dinner, I'm just going to have to go in the food court because I suffer from anxiety. So I cannot be around people I don't know and it's just me. I know. And she says, I understand. And this might be the solution to it,

but you're not going to find out because of some antiquated, built-in view on something. Maybe you know what, Tommy? Put it in his coffee. No, God forbid. Oh, because he doesn't know it. That would be awful. No, I won't put it in dad's.

But it's so mild. I'm not talking about like five milligrams. I don't know what he's saying. Not smoking. I'm talking about eating. Listen to my dad breathe. How can you speak to marijuana? I do.

In between us speaking, he's like, I do. What's the word of this now? Cassano candy. Yeah, and a candy. How many do you eat a day? I mean, it just depends on the day. Do you eat marijuana every day? Not every day.

So like when we are here, we give you inside a sass marijuana. You can handle it for another hour. There you go. OK. Yeah, exactly. Don't worry, we'll stay much longer. So the fans, I got to tell you, last night,

that was one of the craziest farts I've ever heard. I don't know if I'll just be like that. No, no, no. I think we're talking Dennis Booker World Records. Oh my god, it was a 15 second fart. No, it was longer than that. It was longer. I mean, I was in the kitchen with her.

Yeah. So there's a website. I think I've told you about this that's dedicated to encouraging you to fart in a recording for people to hear. They can offer me a million dollars. Here it is. No, it's not.

It's called fartmistress.com. Please encourage Tom's to grow his mom to become the fartmistress. And then they have. I don't care what they have. Now, this is the kind of stuff I like. OK, this is. Also, I cannot do marijuana, but you can embarrass your wife.

Now we're getting into my territory. So there's some of the messages that come in. Dear Tom's to grow his mom, please become the fartmistress. This message is for the saint that raised the water champion himself, Mr. Tom's here. So they're calling you a saint. You'd only be doing yourself a disservice by not becoming what so many have called for.

You start your own unique legacy in the world of fart-based guilty pleasures. Please take on the title and fulfill your destiny. Not a chance. Jacob, I am dying to hear you fart. Josh, my life's goal is to have a constant loop of Tom's mother farting playing on my 70-inch television all day. Oh, my god.

I plan to mention nothing about this video. This is the guy I want to meet. This guy's got it together. This is the virus you see. Please, please, please. 100% this is from Dan. 100%, this is your true calling in life. I promise.

I see you. This is my calling in life. True calling. True calling. That's how I am worth. Well, this is a fart. Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

I can't believe this is for real. Here we go. I am gay, transgender, malehand, that just wants a good old-fashioned Latina woman farting where I can shower her with money because she just won't piss on me or beat on me. Go ahead, try it out. That's from Zachary.

Oh, my god. Zach doesn't play any games. No, Zach just got it together. You know what is that? You know what is that? If I have more pride talking about this, that Vietnam War or me that I... Well, your farts are incredible.

They are incredible. I know they're incredible, but there's no something that you should be proud of. People think that. They're embarrassing to me. People think. Why did you hear last night? Tell me.

What I heard last night is indescribable. And it's to the point where I think people go like, oh, yeah, it's a big fart. I have big farts, too. And I'm like, you don't understand. I mean, it literally, it sounded like Daytona 500, like engines were starting. Different engines.

Gentlemen, start your engines. And then it revved. You can say the point. And then I was at least three times last night. I thought it was done because you hear it go, and it's like, almost done. It's coming over again. Back up at it.

You know, it's incredible. I've done over a million farts in my life. I kind of added it up, you know? And I've never had a single one with that kind of... I've never had a fart like that either. I've never had a fart like that. I don't think anybody does. If it was a hurricane, it'd be a category six, OK?

Yeah. That's great. Well, Cristina suggests I should get an American and get talent, and that would be my talent. So the self-esteem is in the floor. Why is it? Because the only thing I have good is farting. See, I think that'd be something I'd like to do.

I'd hang my hat on that. I think this would. This is my screwed up. But where is she? Here. Let's see if you can hear her. I don't know what that buzzing is all about. It's definitely coming from the recording.

You think it's a recording? Oh, it's not. You're not hearing it now. How many did you have? How many mics open at the 300? Three. That's so weird. I don't know.

Let's see if it dies. No. Oh, my frigging audio is all screwed up. See, I'm talking about it here. Oh. What was that? I don't know. It's died.

Is that for real? Yeah, it's for real. Look at her. Nice looking girl. I wish you can burp like that. That's pretty cool. But maybe I can do that too. You can do the burps too?

You know, I never burped before. And that's what I went to a doctor. And I said, I am in this. My heart gets in a pressing here. And I said, burping is the truth. And the doctor asked me, what is the problem? I'm burping too much. And I never burped before.

There's the medical talk. I can hold this for as long as you want. I really want to hear the story about you having to reach up and pull. I know. Now, here's the truth, guys, mommies, is that we really have been sitting on this story. No, no, I can't play it.

Oh, he's not allowed to. Yeah, I can't play it. I know. I told, and I asked him to tell a story. And they wouldn't tell the story anyway. It's poo related. Can we just say that? Yeah.

OK. Well. But anyways, yeah, he was like, I can't tell it. Like, she was so against him telling the story. You know how much people want to hear a story like that? You will put him as low as you can. Why would I put him as low as I can? Because that's as low as he gets.

No, it doesn't. Well, I tell you what, if he does it, I go and smoke five pots of marijuana right after that. Five packs of marijuana? Right after that. I don't care what I am. Either Cristina delivered or I delivered. I actually promised her I wouldn't do that.

Why? Way too disgusting. Because the fact that she's even here is a victory. It's just, it's just, it made me sick. Makes you sick? Oh. I'm going to get it out of her at some point. I do have to hear the story.

OK. I haven't heard the story. I'll tell you what, not on the air. No, on the air. Well, then can I leave? I mean, I don't want to leave. I leave and I just enjoy your disgusting stuff. No, I don't want to do that.

I go get my marijuana. No, no, no, I'm not going to do that. Like, you wear both hats? No, no. I fly in the air and you fart and talk about your disgusting. Oh, OK. No, no, it's fine. Let me ask you something.

No. A lot of people have been asking Christina to eat my scrum. And I'm wondering, did that ever come up in your relationship? Eat your scrum? Like, if that was fully showered, would you kiss his poto? Ah. Ah.

Tell me, how far are you going with this cast? Oh, my God. What was your dad doing at this time? No, never. Ever, ever, ever. What if he was freshly washed and cleaned? Even if he was 18 years old, it's no help. Just because it's too gross of an area?

It's disgusting that, you know, caca comes from there. I know, but it's clean. Yeah, I don't care. Why would I be kissing that? Because he wants you to. There are areas in your life that will create it for kissing and for farting and pooping. If you want to kiss a day, that's your choice.

I wasn't creative. What if that was like, hey, for my retirement party, will you do that for me? No chance. He'll have a no retirement party. What about he's like, you know, it's our anniversary. Good for you. I do it.

Maybe he can reach his own butt and kiss it. Christmas? No Christmas, no retirement, no anniversary. No, I am dying, please, before I die. Give me the prayer. No. No, answer is no. The answer is no.

No. Did he ever ask you for it? I don't think he would dare. Because I cannot dare to ask marijuana, which is not disgusting. Can you ask him to kiss that area? Well, you get more on the mic. So and he doesn't exactly clean very well.

Oh, no, I got this out here, I do. I got this in that time he sent us at home. I use that all the time. That's great. I think I have like the cleanest butthole on the neighborhood. Wow, that's my own view. OK. It gets to the point.

I've asked Christina, she said no, she won't do it. Why? You're clean. That's what I said. Did you guys have the most disgusting life? Could you kiss my butt? I mean, what is the point of that? No, I figured it probably, you know,

probably fun or something, you know. If you have a big poop, would you go and take a picture and just put it on TV? Maybe you could get it at work. I've taken pictures of my poop before. Oh. I've made videos of myself. Ah, no.

And people watch it? Yeah, of course. I've played it on the show before. No, this is a joke. Yeah, diarrhea, like big diarrhea. No, this is have to be. I swear. I swear.

This is so disgusting. Because it sounds really crazy. But what kind of people would like to hear that? Be sure I don't watch it, huh? It wouldn't be fun for me. I think I have a clip of it. I don't want to watch it. Thank you.

Thank you for saving for that. He loved it. I tell you what, we got such a fire, such a song. In the Philippines, you know, we were on one of these. He told me I got it. He told me I have to skip this one, too. God damn it. I know.

He told me I can play it later. OK. So I just have to, I have the respect that they asked me. So we'll see what, let me see where I can. I haven't, but I won't play it. They'll pretty much, oh man. He sits in a chair. I know exactly what you're talking about.

I'm teasing you guys, but I can't play it. I know exactly. Or a hammock, huh? Is that really what you're talking about? It's sort of like that, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So long. Shoot it.

I have to. I'm sorry. I know people are going to be like, come on, you're a dick. Look, I had them in here. We talked, and then they called me later and said, don't play this portion of our conversation. How can I, I mean, I can't be like, well, fuck you. You talked.

Of course. I'm telling, I'm telling it now. Shall we carry Kentucky? That's another one. Oh, man. There. What am I supposed to tell the truth? I was actually at that age.

They made me laugh so hard though. I did, I did. He did tell me I can play these at a later date. These two little parts of it. Let's make sure Blue Band edits them out, or you edit them out. No, I just scrolled past it. Keep a promise to our audience.

Yeah, later I'm saying. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, we have to do it. And I'll tell Blue Band, I actually have a date that I can play it on. Yeah, so yeah, we'll just make a note of it. Not to get you excited. No, nobody got excited with that.

It's gross. Yes, you did. Yes, you did. Now, you've never seen anything like that in person? And they have never seen success. Hundreds of guys have tried to get it. No, hundreds of guys, but I have been. She's been hit on.

She's, she, oh, wait a minute. Yeah. She didn't tell you this. Tell me. She is down at the Hard Rock in Fort Lauderdale with Jane. Fort Lauderdale. Just in it's the planer. Tommy was there.

Jane, yeah, remember the guy came up and hit on her. Of course. Do you know what happened? She's 30 years her junior. I know, I know. Well, the other day, not too long ago. He gave her, he gave her his number. Say, two, two months ago I was there at one o'clock in the morning.

I'm quiet playing. I always tried to find a long machine. Yeah. And then a kid come. He said, he started by asking me, can I borrow your lighter? I said, sure. So I let him the lighter, lighter cigarette. And he says, did you mind if I sit next to your machine?

I said, no, the machines are free. So Tommy, this kid can be my son. And then he says, are you here for a long time? No. When are you leaving tomorrow? Are you alone? And I said, no, I'm with my husband. Of course, your father was sleeping.

And I said, where's your husband? I said, he's in one of the machines around there. And he says, are you happy to marry him? Oh, Jesus. I said, extremely. And he says, well. Well, this is the first time I tell your husband, he's a lucky man that he got a woman like you.

Oh, my God. That's my dad breathing again. You hear it? Yeah. But what if that guy was like, I can make you calm like 15 times? He may have been. He might have been like right close to saying that.

We just will never know, I guess. I don't know. I don't think she would respond well to that, though. No. Are you aware that it can be normally your mother, your grandmother? You know what he told me? He says, age doesn't count when it's a woman like you.

So that was the nicest compliment. She doesn't realize that guy wanted to just take her to Pound Town. Yeah, I don't get flattered. She thinks it's like a romantic thing that he was like, you're quite a woman. Gross. He had his guilt fantasies going.

Yeah, the guy's a pervert. Your mom's so sweet. She doesn't realize that guys are perverts. Yeah, totally. And dirt bags, scum fucks. That's right. Fetishes. Like the guy who's got some titties in my face.

You know, some old ladies at a machine. Yeah, she's not thinking about. No. She's telling you she's happily married, and then you're going to say some stuff like that? Yeah. Come on, now. I wish she had a story like that.

Then he was like, you've seen a big dip before. Known rap of the issues. And I said, well, do you mind I have to go? Did you think about getting a separate room with him? No, I took my purse out. I said, do you mind I have to go get my house? He first looking for me. Took off, scared to death.

You did. But it was a nice compliment. Nice compliment. I took off scared. The guy somebody terrified me. Yep. Whoops. So you can get them all up.

You got some good ones, and you get some nice ones. Yeah. But it's nice when you're really old and somebody young. You're not really old. No. I'm almost 90, but the mystery. 90? Well, according to your father, the way he talks to me,

you gave me a year and a half left. No, I said, please at least live another year and a half. No, no, not a year and a half. I don't care. But you have to make it again. Well, I just have these bits in my new hour. Well, you're fighting six months. Don't die in six months.

I don't screw everything up. I'll die in six months. Yeah, I will screw them. But then he realized that there are two possibilities that either Jane will move and take care of him and organize his life, or he will move here because you won't leave him alone. His faith went like this.

You're right. It was almost like, what am I doing alone? It would be so hilarious. Not like that, I'd want to see you dead. But to see dad being like, I got a date tonight. Yeah, and he can wait for that. You think so? Oh, his mind is just, he's already arranging the dates.

Wow. But I don't see he will go on those pages. No websites? No dates, that kind of stuff like that. No, no. But what'd he do? He'd probably go to, I don't know, walk around, and he sees a woman and he will try to talk to her.

I think you got to try. He swear that he's a good flirter. Yeah. And I have no idea how to flirt. Do you think he's a good flirter? No, he's a horrible flirter, but he sees he's good. Right, that's true. Flir with the burp.

You remember? The bank teller. The bank teller, and also, do you prefer sweetener or Splendor? Your dad might. He did a seminar on flirting on this show. I wish I knew the episode number because I'd like to bring it back. Yeah.

Where I got him, I was like, so how did he, he goes into the whole bank, he brings up the bank teller here in a moment, but he, I said, like, what's it to some of these guys? I go, a lot of guys listen to our show, and he was like, you know, when you're getting coffee, just saying, and do you prefer, do you prefer sweetener or Splendor?

Yeah. I was like, what? He's like, you got to get the conversation going. So. That's your dad's big icebreaker. Yeah, he's like, I prefer Splendor. Yeah. I can't imagine your dad talking to women.

It's like the grossest, most foreign. I've seen him do like dad boner flirts before, which is like, you know, harmless stuff. Like the waitresses. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There we are. Wow. You know, it does like a little,

like a cutesy comment where you're like, okay. You've seen like everyone's dad do it. Every dad does it. Yeah. It's what dads do. They just flirt with waitresses and stuff. For sure. But he's so, he's just such a dad.

I can't see him. Especially if it's a waitress they know. Oh, oh. I know, Carol. Yeah. I know. She likes me. She likes me.

Second lemon, my water. All right. Yeah. Now you like your lemon. He's like, you know a lot. All right. Then she gets an extra tip. Yeah.

So gross. I got to be, I didn't, and I can't tell, I don't want to tell the whole thing, but in this movie that I was shooting the reason that this episode is delayed, I got to be a real creep. Yeah. It's exactly your casting.

What is up with that? No, it's not. No, I told you this a long time ago that you're going to start getting roles when they're a piece of shit guy roles. And look at your big first movie with Mark Wahlberg, your big movie that's coming out. We saw the screening.

We didn't say that. It was amazing. It's so amazing. I love it for it to come out. Yeah, it's a great movie. It's so good, Tom. But you're going to start getting stuff when you play a piece of shit.

And lo and behold, your first huge role is a piece of shit, brother-in-law character. And then yesterday, a piece of shit, a real piece of shit scumbag who gets killed. And I'm kind of a POS and Steve Burns movie too. There you go. It's your casting. Yeah.

It's interesting because you're not a piece of shit. No. In real life, but you like to play one on TV. Yeah. It's like your murder thing too. It's just your alter ego, I guess. This one is a real piece of shit. Well, it's also because you don't really

have a good personality. It's kind of like back since full circle the personality champ thing, which I am and you're not. Because you're not, you're not, you don't put it out there like likable vibes. No, I seriously look at, but you know, your whole stand up persona is like a job. I gotta be honest, in public,

I think you have a very standoffish person. Me? Yes. Me. You are always like, I don't want to be bothered. I don't want to be told this. I'm not looking for talk. What?

The guy's asking me that like you're very standoffish. Yeah. Yeah. Seriously. But then behind closed doors, I'm warmer than you are. Behind closed doors, you're warmer. But to the general public, I don't find you very warm. That's not true.

But I'm polite to, you know, restaurant people, to valet people, I'm polite. Yeah, no, you're polite, but you're not friendly. No, I'm not looking to make friends out in the world. But that's because I grew up in a big city where there's psychos on every fucking corner. And if you're nice to everybody, then the next thing you know,

some nut bag is in your world. I think it comes off that you have neuropathy problems. How many strokes does it take your dad? He would answer if you asked him. That's the weird thing. Your dad really would date quickly. I think if she dies first. Let's hear what he has to say.

Yeah. If he can. But he doesn't know how to do it. My coach here. Yeah. Coach here. You're a good floater. My flirting consists in don't flirting.

Yeah, she plays the game. I have never flirted in my life. There is no guy who can ever say that I flirt or try to get him. And the more I like him, the less he's going to see my face. How's that working out? Oh, boy, did I get mad.

My expertise was bank tellers. Okay, so I would flirt with bank tellers and then I would take a deposit slip and ask them if they want to go out to lunch. Really? Yeah, oh, they just love that. Yeah, because he has the money and says, yeah, okay. You want to go out to lunch and use right that on there?

Well, I would tie my deposit to get the right bank teller. Okay. This is when we used to have lots of bank tellers. No, automated. Like two months ago. And so I would say, I would say, still does this. I talked to him this and that.

I said, I can't even wear that red dress anymore. So when you come in on your next deposit date, if they have the dress on that you asked about, it's a good sign. Bingo. Bingo, that means. Are you still using this tactic today? Yeah, he does.

He changed to banks. Yes, he does. He had like six different banks and then I'd be back, baby, I'm going to a bank and then together. The way that he does, he just goes and flirts? Yeah, see if he works. He keeps trying.

And then what do they say? Y'all have lunch? Do you think he goes to lunch with them? Of course. Not a good lunch with them. Of course he goes lunch with them. But I did when I was single. I was.

Excuse me. He did when he was married and married and remarried and with kids. What, dates with bank tellers? What, try? Yes, he went to lunches and tried to go farther. He didn't work out. What?

Yes. All that. All that. All that. I didn't know anything of this. He has done it all. Oh shit. Can I ask you a question?

Yeah. So he's telling you that he's timing his bank goings with the bank tellers. But you know how you stand in line and there's like, let's say five bank tellers, you can't really time that. Like it's random shuffle. I think you're right.

I think he's also talking about the like 30 years ago where maybe you would, I don't know. It just seems like maybe. Maybe you lined up for a specific teller? Maybe, yeah. Because now they funnel you into one line and you can't control it. Unless you're like, do go in front of me,

I want to get that check. Maybe he was doing that. That's weird. I love when she plays this. This is like one of her personas is like, it's like a faux jealous wife. Yeah. Where she's like, he does it today.

He takes it all the time. I do it to you all the time though. She sells it believable. Remember you bought me a perfume once that you smelled on some slut you worked with? There it is. You know that I worked with her again? No.

After that? No. You did? Yeah, she laughed. Did she love it? She thought it was funny. Is she cute? I go, I bought this for my wife.

And I go, I said, oh, I said, you know, last time I saw you, I asked you about the perfume I bought it for my wife. She loves it. She was like, oh, great. And then I remember and I go, oh, she asked me how I found it. And I told her, it was somebody I worked with

and she said, oh, some fucking whore. You fucking slut whore that you have a crush on? I have to tell you, it is my favorite smell in the whole world. I'm so upset that you smelled it on some woman that you wanted to bang. And then you got it for me. It's so upsetting.

She was pretty cute. So let's see what else he says here. What about the baby? What about the baby? We're having a check on Christina. The baby's coming today. The baby's coming today, 100%. The baby's coming tomorrow.

No, it's today. Want a bet? Yes. The baby's coming today. Okay, if the baby comes today, you can have your marijuana thing, I think. Really? If the baby comes today.

Witnesses. If the baby comes today. Okay, but with happiness, go ahead. Yeah, don't be like that. No, no, no, I'll succeed, I'll lost the bet. Okay. Okay, and you won't give her a hard time about it. I won't give her a mope and be like, oh, I don't do that.

I don't do that. I know, I'm just making sure. I want to make it real clear. This is witnesses here. That you're not going to guilt trip it because no one wants to enjoy something from guilt trip. I agree, no, no guilt trip. The mom would never do that, ever, never.

Yeah, that's not in your DNA. I don't know how to do that. Okay, pause for a second. Yeah. You know, apropos our discussion earlier about fighting, I think too, a big part of keeping the peace in a marriage or long-term relationship is once you fight over something, it's gone.

Right. It's out. And don't bring it up again and again. Like don't like, remember that time you fucking get, get, get, get, get, get. Yeah, like let it go and do not bring it up. That's a good point. Ever again, it's done.

A lot of people don't do that. A lot of people, I mean. Right. Throw it in the spouse's face. Well, I fucking time you came home at three in the morning. And don't do that. It's over. Yeah.

You're over it. If not, it's like, if you're with somebody that has to bring up the thing over and over, you can't be with that person. No, it's a bummer. Yeah. Who wants to be reminded of their shortcomings all the time. No, it's no good. It's not my fault.

Yeah, so you got, oh my God, you got 12 hours and 11 hours and 57 minutes. Do you know how bad I wanted her to win the bet? I knew it wasn't going to happen. What was the date? Do you remember when you recorded? No, I just knew that it was mid-afternoon. I was like, it's not coming.

Wait, July 19th, I started being induced. So then July 20th, he was born. Right, so this must have been days, couple days before. Yeah. Right now, I should have spoken up and been like, no, no, mom, switch your bet. Switch your bet. She was also like, I know, I know it's today.

Well, I kept having contractions and then they'd stop. Julian did not want to get out. All right, let's talk about this before we go. Retirement's around the corner. Oh, God. What are you guys going to do when you're home all day, every day? This is going to be scary.

He's play chess. Oh my God, with the chess game. He has time to make more messes and throw the clothes around the floor, make a long baby, open the iPad. No, actually, what I discovered, and this is that, when I go to work every day, I would change my underwear, change things. Now, if I'm not going to go to work,

I could wear the same thing for four or five days in a row. The same pants, same shirt? Yeah, same underwear. I just turned around, just turning. He went in the cruise with one pair of socks and one pair of mother. Yeah, yeah, just, all you do is turn. By accident, but he didn't turn the underwear around.

So you got the, oh. But you ask, and that's the truth. And you do the socks, you do the inside out. No, and it's, I call it living efficiently. No. That's pretty gnarly. They're going to be disgusted with that. What are you going to do with him around the household day?

I realized right now that when I was shooting that seam row as a creeper, I basically did an impression of my dad as the guy. You know what I mean? I came up behind the girl and I was like, whoa. The bank teller? Why don't you wear that red dress? Oh, God, so gross.

You prefer sweet nurse. Oh, God. It's so gross. And the fact that, like your mother, as the female in the relationship, you can kind of govern that kind of shit with your spouse. Do you know what I mean? Like if you were in the habit of turning your box or shorts

the other way around. Yeah. I would be like, boo boo, please don't do that. I think she knows it's a battle that she cannot win. You know? All she has to do is provide the clean panties. Like just make sure he's got a fresh supply. Like I would make sure that your drawer was stocked

so that that doesn't happen. That is so fucking nasty. I'm trying to find a hobby for him and it doesn't come out. I don't know what we're going to do. Well, his dream is to drive around the country and see places. That's another one. Oh, my God. My dad pitched to my mom that in retirement,

her 74-year-old ass could sit in the car with him and drive across America. And by the way, he doesn't like driving more. Now that he's in his 70s, he's like four or five hours. So they would spend a few days getting out of the state. And then every few days they would still be in the same state, just sleeping at hotels. I'm staying at a Red Roof Inn and eating in diners.

And it's actually being like a road comic, like a feature act. I can't. It's horrible life. I've done it before. I mean, imagine being 74. It's not for them. Gigging. It's not even for him.

That's how much he doesn't know it. It's not for him. Gigging on the road. Remember when I used to have shows and you're like, I'm gigging. I'm gigging. Gigging, bro. It's the Sam Tripoli one.

Gigging, fighting crime. I used to gig like that. It was terrible. I drove up and down Florida, the Pacific Northwest. It's fucking, you know. Hey, let's be honest, America, there's a few nice things to see and also a lot of boring shit. There's not a lot.

Yeah, I mean, I understand if you haven't seen the Pacific Northwest. Beautiful. Yeah, a couple of the national monuments. Yeah. I mean, it's cool to see DC. It's cool to see. I like some parts of the south are beautiful.

Some parts of the northeast are beautiful, too. East coast. I mean, but not, there's a lot of in between that you're like, the fuck are we seeing here? That's what I'm saying. A lot of just like, OK, there's a fucking cracker rail. I've done that east to west drive a few times. Yeah.

Florida, California drive. Most of it's dog shit. Dog shit. Yeah. Well, I mean, you're driving through states where there's just nothing to see. It's just for, it's highway. Yeah, you're just on a highway.

Yeah. And malls. And then you're in goddamn West Texas. I know. You have 500 mile stretches. Yeah. Just, you know, a couple of gas stations. Don't forget.

There's not even lights. No. Freeways. Just pitch, pitch black. Don't forget the fireworks stores and the antique stores. That's it. And then like porno shops. Yeah.

Well, I guess there's some cool stuff, but a lot of bullshit. This sounds terrible. Well, I'm thinking of letting him go on his own. On his own. Will you stop at a bunch of banks and try to meet me? He will stop in every bank. Well, I got a $10 deposit. A lot of banks.

The trouble is with bank tellers is it's a process. You don't really get a date on the first deposit. Repeat. Oh, yeah. And he changed banks. And that one doesn't work. I took my account from there. He says, I took it there.

He has 10 different accounts and different banks. And he has to go to a bank to get some money. He had to go to a bank to deposit. And he's taking forever this flirting system problem. But once he's retired, he's going to have plenty of time. That is true. You will have a lot more money. He said, by then, he won't have money.

So I don't know what the post is. And so the other thing is, the one thing I'm not going to do is any form of manual labor around the house, like people that do gardening and things. I agree. You know, I've never done it anyway. Well, I'm not going to get into it, OK? Painting.

I mean, I'll do anything interest you. Well, I like shooting at guns. You know, I think that I like club clay patient shooting, target shooting. I don't have the patience for fishing because I throw the thing over and then you have to wait for the fish. Yeah, that's good.

And then today, everybody throws it back. As a kid, we used to actually eat them. No, but I like what I do now. Yeah, so I'm not into fishing. Really, my favorite thing is to take things back, like a bed, bath, and the on-the-place is where she buys stuff and then she takes it back. But any other injuries besides guns?

I've heard you say guns like five times. Yeah, it's always interesting. I like cars. I've always liked cars, you know? But the trouble is with cars is as much as I like cars, there's so many limitations on where can I go, 140, you know? There's tracks, though. You can find a track.

So I have to ask a question because I have one witnesses in this question that makes sense. He has his car pick up. Every 10 minutes, he reminds me of Christina's car that is going to go the value like this. This is boring, though. Yeah. Basically, your dad wants to go back to Vietnam.

He's like, that's the only fun I had was shooting guns. Shooting guns, baby. Killing people, hiding in the jungle, wearing dirty underwear, wearing no socks with my boots, so I don't get trench foot. Pretty nice, huh? Yeah, what a, what a. Man, what are we going to do when we're that age?

I don't know. Yeah, I kind of, like, it sounds totally, I don't know, depressing or whatever, but I feel like I don't have many interests anymore. Like, I like five, I like a few things. I like my family. I like comedy. I like stupid TV shows.

Like, it gets narrower the older you get, maybe? It does. It also gets, it's also narrower because you don't realize how much of a quote hobby having children is. Seriously. That's true. It's just, it's such a time consumer that you're not thinking of because it's an automated kind of responsibility.

Yeah, for sure. That you're like, oh, what do I do with my free time? The thing is, you don't have. It's not free time. Yeah. So you have your work. You know, this is also your work, but it's fun, but it's your job.

You know, getting on stage, it's your job. You have your family. You have 26 minutes left. That's true. It's like, you're just responsible all the time. I think the older they get, you probably get into more things you, like when they're toddlers and stuff and the infants.

Yeah, it takes up every spare moment. Yeah. You know, we have like that two hour window at night, maybe that we can watch some television together. And that's about it. Yeah. That's true. Well, I'm the same way.

I always think of, I mean, I've said it, like I like going to these workouts. I do like cars, I've always liked cars. Other than that. I mean, what would I have time for? I know, and here's the weird thing, is that when you and I didn't have children, we didn't do a whole lot.

Yeah. We watched a lot more television actually. We did. We laid around a lot more. We didn't have hobbies then either. True. We just watched more shit. No, it's like, you know, I'm getting on stage.

I'm a movie star. I do my podcasts. I do all these things. I love that much time. He mentioning that movie star part. Well, speaking as a movie star, I'll tell you that it is a demanding lifestyle. It is.

It is learn your lines, stand here, say it again, sign this autograph, do the press. What can I say? Accept this blow job. It just happens to go with the territory. You know, it is, we were talking about it because you did kind of like your own stunts for this film. How rigorous that really is.

Holy shit. So in this movie, I can tell you, I don't want to, like I said, I don't want to give away any major plot points. No, I really don't. Like, I mean, I, I thought of respect for the filmmaker and like, but I can say that there's a fight sequence. Holy shit.

My appreciation for, like when you, if you shot a scene like the one I did and then you watch, you know, one of the born movies or John Wick or this new apparently or any of them, but the new mission impossible. I heard is great and you see what Tom Cruise does. You really appreciate the physicality of it. I mean, I was fucking wrecked after filming a pretend fight scene.

Right. Cause you're doing it multiple times. It's hot outside. You're up early or working long days. And they're having you do like a real struggle and a real, you know, fall and it's dude. It was exhausting. But doesn't that give you such an appreciation

for like the Tom Cruise? That's what I just said. Right. No, but I'm saying like, let's break it down. Like how old does that fucker now? That dude has to be, and by the way, they, they played a trailer like cause they're promoting the new one of what he did in this movie. You would shit your pants.

Let me, let me. It's like Mission Impossible 10 by now, like the fast and furious they're just keep, they keep making, it's always the same shit. It's the same shit. Different times to love them though. I'll watch the shit. This is supposed to be the best.

People are saying that this is the, the best one. I love them all. I love those mission impossible movies. If I can... Well, even he and your best friend, Mark Wahlberg. I mean, that guy role, he just did an action film before he did your movie. So Mark Wahlberg has to stay in amazing shape.

And that guy is, I see him on Instagram. He's up at 330 in the morning working out. He's insane. He looks great. Look at this. Look at this from this new, the new Mission Impossible. Look at what Tom Cruise did. Hold on. Why is this not playing?

The most stunts ever. This one, Tom Cruise with a double dana. It's not just one. Look what he does. I didn't think you could have beaten the last stunts, but he did. He's doing this. Hold his shit.

The helicopter's long line, drop. And Tom loved it. It's so crazy. Obviously you can do that on a green screen, but of course Mission Impossible fashion, we flew and dropped Tom Cruise on it. That's crazy. Of a helicopter.

Of a real helio chapter. My hands were numb. I have to try to climb as fast as I can. A bad rope. And then it's a free fall to the back. That's crazy. Free fall to the back from the rope. Tom dangling from this helicopter.

What? That's crazy. Tom fell. I actually thought he fell, but I heard myself scream. We heard on the radio, I think we just lost Tom. How are you doing this, Tom? Well, this is great promotion for the movie.

Look what else you do. But you can fly a helicopter. Yeah, Tom did all the flying in that helicopter for real. Tom flew it. Jesus Christ. The 360 downward spiral. Most pilots wouldn't attempt this. Each spiral, it looks like, is by a crash.

God! It's gonna be awesome. It's gonna be awesome. Paris was nerve-wracking. He did this. Crazy. Being that Tom was riding a motorbike without a helmet. Against traffic.

The safety rig for this one challenging shot, that rig just didn't work. And we looked at Tom and said, what are we gonna do? And he said, my friend, we gotta roll. We gotta go, we gotta shoot. He got on his bike and took off.

That's Tom riding the motorcycle against traffic around the Arctic Channel. Yeah, I don't know if that's smart. Okay, listen, there's limitations here. Move the top chase. Remember this thing. He's crazy. He's from one building to another.

He broke his foot doing this. He's getting the wall with his body. He's crazy. They used the real shot. Look at it. He broke his foot right there. It's one of those things. I'm supposed to have that level of impact hitting the wall.

I just put my foot out, tried to soften the impact. I knew instantly he was broken. And then look, they kept it in the movie, and he knew I have to finish this because we're not coming back and pulled himself up to get the shot. Wait, did they not have a safety net for him on those roads? I don't know.

I don't know how to jump for real. I can't, I can't watch the show. He did the solo. He did a solo parachute jump, too. I mean, look, there's no need to do all this. I don't know why he feels compelled. There's guys that are professionals that can do that. Yeah, but they're not Tom Cruise, man.

I get he has to do it all. So he's- You know what? 56 doing that shit. Now, see, I do Pilates twice a week. I'm 42. I'm wrecked. Wrecked after an hour of Pilates. This guy.

Yeah, but Tom Cruise salute, dude. I guess, but then there's also like, bro, you really, you got to break your foot. You really got to find- No, you don't have to. You can't do all this shit. You know, I'm not impressed. I mean, come on.

I am impressed, but I also think it's really stupid. But he's doing that. He wants to entertain you. He's the ultimate entertainer. I don't have problems, but you're not going to do that. So the stunt coordinator, he's worked in movies for 40 years with everyone. And he told me some stories I can't tell,

but he also told me he said he gets asked sometimes, because some of the actors, you know, do certain stunts and not I said, is there any actor who could definitely, if he wasn't an actor, just be a full-time stunt guy. And he was like, definitely Tom Cruise. Yeah. He did a couple with him. And he's like, yeah, he's a real deal.

It's crazy. Jackie Chan, too. Wouldn't he do it? Yeah, he does those. But I think it's not his whole thing he started in. I think he's wrecked now. He can't walk or something. Oh, that's, yeah.

See, it's not worth it, guys. It's not worth it. Don't do your own stunts. All right. Anything else, Gene? No, I'm just glad we're back in the action. I'm back in this chair. I missed the show.

I missed you guys. And I'm so happy to be back and not be enormously pregnant and out of breath all the time and grumpy all the time. I'm still a little grumpy, but the normal level. Yeah. You have a very few neuropathy issues in that safe.

I'm happy to be back doing this show. It's so fun to do it like the week of, you know, it's like it's a good time. It is. This was super fun. I learned a lot. I learned, I learned a lot. I haven't heard this, but this is in our folder.

It says Alonzo Vasquez, the YMH mental illness posse cut. This is our closing song. Sounds like our song. We'll see you next week. We have guests for the next few weeks. And it should be really fun shows. We'll see you soon. Bye, Gene.

Bye, Mom. Good morning, everyone. I've been on the job site, getting ready to start my day, and I couldn't be happier about it. But what I'd really rather be doing is coming to your home. Yeah. You combing your grandmother's hair.

You know she needs it combed. You know what they're gonna make her happy? It makes me happy to do it. Won't you let Mike come to your home and comb that hair out of your grandmother's face? How about the dog? Would you let me come to your home and pet the dog?

You know the dog needs it. Black guys would love to fuck the fuck good. If you're a hot black guy, you wanna fuck me 23.95. If you wanna move in, you can move in. You gotta fuck me. I need to be fucked a lot, man. Get rid of free food, free rent, get everything else, man.

And the deal, man. Men from jail, homeless, or a thug. You wanna come, you've been. Frequent move for two, man. Free rent, you'll listen to the key. Fuck me. If this happened to beat me, I'm home, man, out. You see me when I come over today,

try it out, try it out, man. If you're in my building, try it out. I'm gonna fuck this, let me try it out. I'm just here to fight only this fuck, man. I'm looking for hard drugs, guys. I mean it. You wanna do it. I wanna deliver it.

I'm a hot fuck, like trash. Come to this fuck, fuck. Dead on the neck, I put another video, and I'm delayed in it. Loads from my neck. Like this. So, ladies, if you're down with doing this, call me.

And I'll love you. I know what it is, and I'll fuck you. I'm a dirty fact, I'm a shit pig, I'm a toilet. And I'm an extra body, and radiation, humanization, and tape reduction.

If you see me walking on the street, shall I? Hey, shit babe, and I will come to you. I will drink your piss, eat your shit, and enjoy your verbal mediation.