Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 460-Matt Braunger-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: August 8, 2018

Done with white people? This guy is too. Not the brightest guy, but he's white so what can you expect? Plus grief is real. The best way to process it is to dance and record it and share it with the world. Please share your grief dances with us! Loud cell phone talkers - please stop or get shot (something we're working on).  The great Matt Braunger returns to the show with a lot of hilarious insight. Check out Matt's new podcast, Advice From a Dip S**t with Matt Braunger.  

You know what I'm sayin'? Uh, Jane? Oh. You guys want to know where you can see me do the stand-ups? I'm getting back into it. Uh, November 24th, that's Thanksgiving weekend. If you're in San Diego and you want to either get away from your family at that point or bring them to the show, I'm doing the House of Blues in Man Diego, California,

and then on December 7th, filler up Delphia. Uh, tickets are on sale, I'm movin' pretty quickly for that. And then December 8th in Jewdork titties, Gramercy Theater, the 8pm show sold out, and tickets are on movin' quick on the 1030 show that I have added. Other than that, I'm just, you know, gettin' back into things. Doin' the comedy store, and 2019 I'll be workin' on very shortly. We're doin' the store together this week. This Thursday night, yeah, the 8 o'clock show in the main room.

If you're around. Two mommies, one show. Please. Uh, tickets at Christina P. Online. Thank you. Jean? Jean, the Joke God's gonna be adding a, I added a show Sunday, August 26th at Breastballs Beach, at the Improv in West Palm, because the other ones are sold out.

Oh, jeez. Um, where else have we added shows? There's an added show in Ball Sacramento, California. That's October 6th. Uh, there's an added show in Boys Seeds, Idaho. Um, I think Eugene's added show is gone. Uh, I know that in November, the Wellmont Theater in Montclair sold out. So we are adding a show.

I'm trying to get you the, uh, info about when it's on sale. It's gonna be the day before. It's gonna be, the show's gonna be on Wednesday. Uh, whatever that is. I think it's the 14th. Um, anyways, as we're doing the show, I might get the update and I'll let you know. All those tickets are at TomSugarra.com. Uh, check it out.

Try it out. Try it out when you can. All right. Jean, welcome to another episode of your mom's house. Palmcast. Palmcast. Jean, this episode is going to be insane. We have so many good things lined up.

Are you ready to get into it? Yeah. Let's party. I feel like this. Hold on a second. Every time I do this thing. Yeah. This is, uh,

I just have to sound smart already. I feel you guys. It sounds good already. Yeah. Here's this guy. Oh boy. Hats on. Bad angle.

Blown out. It's already got all the qualifications. And shirtless. He's shirtless. He is shirtless. Of course. Bad tattoos. It's all there.

It's how we do it, man. It's how we do this show. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Let's go. All right, dudes. I just have to go off real quick about racism.

Okay. Okay. Fuck white people. This shit is big time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Welcome. Welcome.

Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura. Tom Segura. And Christina Pajitzic. Christina Pajitzic. Christina Pajitzic. Welcome to your mom's house. Yeah.

Yeah. First, let me before I forget mention, thank you to everybody that came out to the all new Brea improv. How was it? It's beautiful. It's great. What's the difference from between the old one? Well, it's about 45 yards away from the old one.

They do that. Yeah. And it's bigger. It's much bigger. The old capacity was like 375. And this one's 550. Kitcher. That's like a theater.

Yeah. It's basically a small theater, but crowds were amazing. It's, you know, I've said this in a post and I've said it before to people. There's nothing like the physical space that you're comfortable with as a comic or performer. The old Brea is the first club I ever emcee to weekend at, first club I ever featured a weekend at, and the first night I ever headlined. Headline. All three.

The first night you ever. Headlined. Got road head. Road head. Yeah. That's cool. I mean, I think that's very cool. That's your home.

I forgot that. I did for, I forgot that. You were out in Brea a lot in the early 2000s when you started. Even like, so then I worked a lot of weekends there and then I had a monthly show for a while. They would give me Tuesday nights and I would comp the shit out of it. I mean, it would be like a free show, but the crowds were always great to me in Brea. I just always had a good time.

So I always, I've always loved going to Brea to do those weekends. And it was awesome. It was really, it was my first time doing an hour in two months. Was that right? I know. I'm dreading mine. You had that wah-wah. And then.

Yeah. So. I haven't done stand up since I filmed the Netflix thing. I know. That's in June. This is when my first set back in, back in business here on a Thursday at the store. It's been like over two months, dude. It's a long time.

It's crazy. It is a long time. I wonder why did I stop? I'm so lazy, right? Yeah. Fucking cry baby. Now were there a lot of mommies in Brea? A lot.

Yeah. You saw, you knew they were mommies because of their shirts and would they laugh at that? You can just tell. You can tell. I had a, Josh Potter came with me. Yes. Who's great. And in his introduction, he would always say, you know, from your mom's house podcast.

And. They go nuts. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, there's definitely a strong, strong motherhood. Strong mommies. That's good.

That's fun. That's fantastic. Yeah. Um. Well, God, I'm glad you're, I'm glad to have you home. I like it when you sleep in bed next to me, even though now you're onto a brand new serial killer show. I am a killer and I've been telling people about it online.

You have to. You're also a big fan. Not at all. Not at all. And you, not at all. You did something I've never seen you do. If you guys don't know, this is a new Netflix series that, um, what it does is it, um, features people on death row, uh, who have murdered or, you know, in this, in the one

case, in, in the second episode, it's a guy who was present with some, you know, I mean, you know, a lot of states, if they're like, like, if I drive and you kill someone and then we drive away, I get charged too. So there's a guy like that, but in the first episode, which you were exposed to, you sat on the bed and stared down and I was like, can you believe that? And you're like, I'm not listening and I'm not looking. I don't want this to permeate my, my mind. I don't want it.

I don't know. I, and I, and I say this like, like, I try to be open minded cause I want us to be able to share things in common, but it's so depressing. Just the tone and then hearing like how, how clearly they, these people came from bad. The first one is. Disadvantaged backgrounds. And horrific. Yeah.

The Robertson. It's so depressing. Oh my God. His life is such a, and by the way. Look how happy you are discussing. I mean, look at the smile on your face. Well, I mean, there's the funny parts are funny. I'll give them that.

Right. But the sad parts are definitely very sad. You were also exposed to how bad he looks. Holy shit. That guy looks like uncle Fester on the poster. He also looks like in return of the Jedi when Darth Vader's mask comes off and you see the gray and like the dark circles and he's like worn and you see like just a sad broken look like a sick man.

What's weird is it says in the first episode, you know, they feature him in the, in an interview and then the state of Florida let, let him be interviewed 65 days later. So they do a follow-up interview. He looks so much better. Like the black circles are gone. What do you think? Did he, they let him go to club med for a week? I don't know what happened, but that guy's life story, when you really, really think

about it. Yeah. It is horrific. Well, my favorite is, I think he goes, had a normal childhood and I was like, I, I don't think you did just before he turned 17, I don't think he was sentenced to 10 years in prison. Okay. It's just a normal upbringing in Florida prison for more than 37 years.

Jesus. And he's only like, I don't know, like 50 or something, you know, it's pretty bad. And that, and what part makes you laugh the hardest? He has a couple, he has a couple of funny, funny beats. Yeah. And he goes, like when he talks about, he killed his, um, cellmate and then he's like, I wish I had access to a soundboard now so I could play the psycho like, as you're talking. He goes, I killed a soundboard in the next studio.

Sure. Sure. He goes, I killed my, my cellmate. And then he looks at the interviewer and he's like, he goes, I don't feel bad about it. And he goes, and he laughs like that. He goes, I know you're like, oh, this guy's crazy. It's pretty funny. And then they interviewed a former former cellmate, obviously not one that he killed.

And the guy goes, he like sits down and you could tell by the weight, by the weight it's set up by the dialogue that the guy who's featured the killer, the death row guy told the producers, oh, you should interview this guy. Like it's implied. Right. And he goes, I don't know why he told you to interview me. I'm not as frank as a piece of shit. Now that's funny.

That was funny. And he talks about like how big of a piece of shit he is. He's like, okay, I don't respect him at all. He's like, he is a fucking pariah. He just, he just will go after anybody he thinks he can get away with it on. He's like, he's a horrible person. It's terrible. And even just the sounds of the show, cause like you said, I didn't look at the screen.

I just looked down the whole time. The sounds of the show, the general tone, the, the beige-ness of the jail, it's definitely like depressing. Then comedy. Like it goes back and forth, but it definitely, there's some sad parts. I just can't, I can't watch stuff where I just know that they're just suffering. There's too much suffering for me. I don't like white bum or shit.

This is, this is another caveat. There's like a white bum or tangent, you know what I mean? Yeah. Crime shows, kids with cancer, people falling down the house. I was hoping, I mean, I'm, I'm not through the series yet. I haven't, I'm hoping for a little more psycho detached, like crazy person, a little less of my life, you know, was real sad. And this is a sad thing.

I'm hoping more funny and less sad is coming up. Yeah. Yeah. And did you watch this while I was falling asleep last night too? I did. I started episode two. Okay. Which, uh...

Thank you for doing that so that it leaks into my unconscious mind as I sleep. Yeah. That one was, that one was pretty sad too. Yeah. I'm hoping it gets funnier, but it's... Well, I got to fall asleep to the sweet sounds of El Chapo, that new show. So in Spanish, I got to hear Cabron and put da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, I swear I recognize one of the...

So there's only El Chapo's Mexican series that I think there's, I don't know how many seasons of it are on Netflix and I started it. And here's the thing, you always roll the dice with these, especially with these Latin American productions. Why is that? Well, I mean, the, the shows that we get to see on like, you know, the soaps and stuff and like, like Mexican or Latin... Tabeto, Domingo.

Yeah. In Atlanta. It's horrible. It's so bad. And so I go, is this going to be like a hokey, cheesy show? Like, I didn't know if it's going to be good or really goofy and shitty. And it's actually really good, you know, it's basically the Narcos story, but of El Chapo. And yeah, the actors are great, the production values is great.

They have a couple American, like English speaking actors in small parts on it. And I swear, one of them looks so familiar to me. I think he was in my Groundlings class. Oh, you should have. I got to look it up. I'll look it up. But... Well, it sounded really peaceful and nice too.

It's another fun thing to fall asleep to. Thank you for that. Yeah. So that show has done, has done very well. I guess they're looking at possibly doing a season four right now. It is. It's him. Yeah.

You know that dude? I know this dude. Yep. Wow. Yeah. Holy shit. I got to reach out to him. Good for him.

So his name is Dave Ohalvo. Nice. Yeah. Good for Dave, working. Dave's doing it, man. Hustlin', dude. Is he doing like all fucking Mexican stuff? That's cool.

Dude, you should apply for these jobs. You can speak Mexican fluently. Thank you. Ay cabron. That's all I hear. Ay pinche cabroning. Maybe he moved there. Tom, do a line.

Do a line. Maybe he moved there. Oh, I don't want you to move to Mexico to work. Do a line from Chapo. Come on. Pretend you're in it. I like Chinggahue. Yeah.

Chinggong. All the Mexican slang makes me laugh. What's Chinggong? It's just fucking Mexican slang for fuck and fuck it or like that's the shit. Yeah. Yeah. I like, I like how that sounds. That's what I grew up listening to.

Hey, somebody who knows Dave Holler at me, man. Dave O'Halvo. Okay. Now we used to hang out all the time. Really? Yeah. Dave's a cool dude. Oh, shit.

He took my first headshots. No shit. You know, when you're like, you get here and you have no money, you need like, I don't have any headshots. Yes. This is Dave here. Let's see him. Oh, what?

I'll call me. Yeah. I see he did, he did loving Pablo and what's Blanca? That's like another Mexican thing? Shit Blanca. That's your aunt. Shit Blanca. Anyways, Dave was a good dude, man.

Good for him. Language Spanish. He's doing all Spanish language. That's a great lane to be in, huh? Yeah. Yep. Tom, you need to be applying for these jobs too. Dave hire me in Mexico.

In Español. Yeah. Ce hablo espanol. Ce hablo espanol. I love when your dad speaks Spanish. He's really fluent. You know, Tommy, when you were a little boy, you used to say, cargame, daddy. Cargame.

Cargame. You'd say cargame. I think your dad speaks Spanish the worst of anybody. My dad, if they hired him to be in a Spanish speaking show, it would be the best. He just walks in the room and he's like, cargame. They're like, we're not going to carry you, sir. Cargame. That's all he knows.

We have the new version of that, which is our sun going. I hold you. I hold you. So fun. Cute. Can you please, can we please pull up this Instagram thing? Yeah. Yeah.

You've been dying. I've been dying. I've been talking about this. I'm going to mute it because I don't want it to get taken down. Oh, right. Yeah. Okay. It's a visual thing.

So if you guys are watching on YouTube, you're blessed with what we're about to show you. Right, right. If you're not, if you're just listening, I will describe to you what it is we're seeing because it's so ridiculous. So I follow Elizabeth Gilbert. She's the writer who did Eat, Pray, Love. Basically it's based on, you know, the book where she splits with her husband and then

she falls in love with another man there together for 14 years. And recently in the last few years, she hooked up with her best female friend and is like, oh, I'm a lesbian now. Now the horrible part of this is that the female friend that she's been friends with forever has just passed away of cancer. And so she kindled, they came together just as this woman was diagnosed with cancer. And so she had to watch her mate essentially die and be ravaged by this horrible thing. Now that being said, I still find a way to make fun of her.

And on her Instagram, she posted this thing that grief is a full body experience. Can you please push play on this? And I want everyone to watch this. Jesus Christ. It's so embarrassing. And so she's doing like this. This isn't her. This is her friend.

No, this is her. No, it's not. And that's Elizabeth Gilbert. No, baby. You have to read the caption. Oh, it looks like her. No, no, no. Are you sure?

The dancer is my beloved friend. Oh. It was Raya's ex-wife. Oh, it looks just like her. Elizabeth Gilbert. Yeah. Anyways, so there's this woman doing this interpretive dance of grief in her kitchen. And oh, it's so embarrassing.

Like if you're watching it and I keep like I keep because like I get it that this is real. Like I have empathy and this is sympathy and whatever and this is real for this person. But I'm like, I was so embarrassed when I see it. Well, you should be embarrassed. It's embarrassing. Oh, it's so embarrassing. It's totally embarrassing.

And she's doing like. Oh my God. Oh, it's just so it's just looks like, you know, it looks like it looks like when a white person goes to Jamaica or Ghana or something and then they see locals dance. And then they're like, I learned this and you're like, please stop doing that. Yeah. It's the African anteater dance. It's like that.

And it's so, it's so earnest and sincere. And it's only because I don't have the connection to my emotions to do something like this. Of course. Like I'm so disconnected. I could never do this. No. I mean, of course this is probably, they're probably better people. So much better.

Well, I sent this to my friend. I'd rather not be a good person than to do this. I sent this to a comedian friend of mine and she's like, oh my gosh, I was crying and I was like, really? I was crying, laughing at this shit. This is ridiculous. Yeah. I'm like, I must have no soul because I mean, I get like, I get that you feel this way,

but then isn't there a level of like, don't why, why do you have to share it? She says, we dance because it hurts too much and not to. We dance because we are so grateful to have known this love. Oh my God. I'm so embarrassed by it. And then she says, if you don't let this out of you, this grief, it'll settle in your bones and make you sink with pain. So you can grief, you can grief move through you.

You can help grief move through you with music and with dance. Do I have to do this? I hope not. If you did this over some grief, I mean, I just want you to know that I would openly mock you also. I do Pilates twice a week. Does that count as movement? Yeah.

Just keep it there and don't post it online. Why do white ladies feel like they have to share all their feelings? Well, it's only a certain lane of white lady who I happen to find the least attractive of all white ladies. It's really like. Why do fucking white ladies have to share their fucking feelings on social media? All women's college. This kind of shit's encouraged multiple degrees.

I get it. Women's studies major. I know the worst, literally the worst is my least favorite person to be. Of course. I'm related to a ton of them. Of course. Well, look, it's not that I don't, I believe in all that stuff and I'm behind it intellectually. I just don't want to hear about it.

I don't want to like get on, I just want to be bombarded by it all the time. No, I mean, I'm sorry. Her friend died. Yeah, it's terrible. I mean, that's sad. But that's why I'm saying that I can't help but make fun of people who express their feelings earnestly. But that's your job.

Don't you understand that? You shouldn't feel badly about it. It's your job to mock people who are being sincere and earnest. That's like the world needs balance. Right. The world needs balance. Right. And the world needs people like her.

Yes. Who are sincere and in touch with their feelings. And sweet and like. And she will inspire people to take that sincerely. Yeah. But because there's balance in the universe, the world also has people like us. Shitheads. Yeah.

Who will point and laugh and mock. And you know what? People will enjoy us for that. Some people will get upset. That's true. And truthfully, maybe one day, many years down the line, we'll go, you know, I used to laugh at that and now I don't. And that'll be a different time in our life.

Yeah. But for right now, our job is to mock this person for grieving like an asshole. Other people's sincerity is my hilarity. That's the fuel that I live on. Yeah. Are you too? I'm such a dick. Yeah.

You don't know that you're a big asshole? No. I mean, sometimes I'm aware of it and I'm like, I love being a professional asshole. It's great. But then I'm like, is that the line here or like, I'm not like that woman's grieving and she's like, I'm doing an interpretive dance on my grief. I mean, like the truth is to like, I don't agree, but that's how you agree personally. Yeah.

I've grieved. I didn't do that. I like being alone. Yeah. I like crying hard. Yeah. I feel kind of sick. Yeah.

You know? Drink a lot, eat a lot more. Stay in a dark room, kind of sit in your depression. Yeah. Not this earnest shit. This dance thing, I'd be like, fuck you, I want to punch something. Yeah. So if I got like this, you don't think you could handle it?

No, absolutely not. Absolutely not. No way. If you were doing that for real to grieve, I would just be like, look, you know, of course do it. Like I don't want to be anywhere around it. Please keep it in another room. Do it upstairs.

Yeah. It makes me so. I tell you to come in here, I go stay in the studio, I'll be somewhere else. And I also think that this lends itself, because right now we're in an era of non-stop sharing, the earnest shares, you know, you see them on Facebook, the medical over shares, like my mom's festering wound on her foot's getting better, guys, and you're like, I don't want to know any of this stuff about you. But there's definitely now a blurred line between public and private.

You know? Like there's very little delineation nowadays between what's public and what's private. Like you and I have been seeing people taking phone calls on speakerphone, right? Like we were in a nice restaurant and this guy, this dad, has a speakerphone. He has a speaker. It's on speakerphone. And then he puts it up to his. Up to his ear.

And he's like, yeah. And the lady goes on a full, you know, and then tires are, yeah. And then he's like, well, yeah, I got a, I'm going to have lunch now. And then you just hear it full volume and he's holding it here. Yeah. He's holding it up. I don't think he didn't even know he was on speakerphone. He was old.

He was old. He was old. But he should know better. He's got to be dead now. That was like five, six days ago. And then remember that guy in Starbucks who did like a health insurance call or something? You said he was like. He was on the phone with, oh my God.

You recorded him. I did. I know I got it. He was on the phone. I want to say with Bank of America. And which should be a private call because you're talking about your finances digging so obnoxious and rude that fucking shit bird. Yeah.

What is wrong with people? Yeah. Oh, no, that's not it. Another thing I've been seeing are people wearing house slippers in public spaces as well. I'm talking like fuzzy pink house slippers to get on an airplane. I saw it at Burbank Airport. Like, look, I'm not opposed to seeing people's feet.

That's not the problem. I don't care. But you're not supposed to wear fuzzy slippers to like the mall, the grocery store, airplanes. It's completely inappropriate. I agree. It's just not footwear that's meant to be outdoors. Dangerous, actually, because it's too flimsy as shoe. Yeah.

It's so silly. It's really. It's not. It's not. It's inappropriate. I don't know what the fuck is happening that people think the world is their living room. It's obnoxious. Yeah.

I mean, you used to people used to have shame about that kind of stuff. You try to keep your conversations private or worse when people listen to their music or watch videos at full volume, you're like, dude, nobody wants to hear your bullshit. No, of course. And I'm very cognizant of that too, because we have a son and some, you know, if we take him out in public, like we're always like, quiet, don't yell, you know, if we're showing him video as well, he has, you know, he's eating so that he focuses a minute. We make sure that the volume's down so that we're not disturbing other people, right?

Of course. Yeah. It's just so silly. People are so horrible. What are you trying to find this audio? I think I. Okay. Do you want to press pause so you can look for it?

Yeah. One second. Okay. Okay. I was able to pull this. Let me see if I can make it actually play here. This is, I found it on my phone. I was just thinking about that ladies interpret it.

Yeah. The ladies interpret it. I just got uncomfortable thinking about it again. Yeah. You should be uncomfortable. Like it made me, it makes me feel icky inside. Yeah. That's right.

They should. It's so weird. Why do people share that fucking shit, dude? Don't, don't share your feelings like that because they're more emotionally balancing you. I know. It's just so vulnerable. It's like, ugh.

Yeah. God. I'm so uncomfortable. This is so gross. So. It's like acoustic guitar singing. I videoed this guy. We're slam poetry.

At Starbucks. This is. This is. He's just sitting there with his phone, by the way, on a table. Yeah. Drinking his coffee. On speaker phone. Crazy.

Full volume. Crazy person. And we're all, you know, trying to enjoy our days. Sure. Sure. Right. It's pressed four for this, two for that. Yeah.

Like fuck everybody. Yeah. You guys all listen to me be on hold. Yeah. Like you want. Like it's bad enough when you have to be on hold in your personal life, but now you got to hear some other assholes being put on hold. I don't think there's anything worse than someone else is being put on hold.

And if you're on hold, you hold that shit up to your ear. Yeah. Asshole. You fucking make everyone else listen to your hold stuff. What a fucking scumbag. What a scumbag. Such a dick. Yeah.

Now you got to listen to America's offering, listen. Like you want to hear any of that, dude. Yeah. You want to hear that, right? Yeah. That's fucking hold. We're all sitting there just trying to unwind, have a coffee and we got to hear your commercials. Unbelievable.

Such a piece of shit. What an asshole. Yeah. Like what goes through people's minds that that's acceptable behavior to put it on speakerphone so everybody gets to hear you being on hold. He's a fucking psycho and he doesn't care. Do you think it's just like an unconscious like I'm claiming the space. It's like public whistlers, like people that are whistling.

It's a way it's like what birds do to mark their territory like everybody listened to me. I'm here. I'm here. He's so removed and he's so narcissistic and so oblivious to the fact that that would be bothersome to somebody else. Right. That's his personality.

This is my it's my Starbucks. I don't even think. Yeah. I mean he doesn't like if you were like to say, do you think other people want to hear the speakerphone hold stuff from Bank of America while they're here? He would be like. What? Yeah.

Not like totally unaware that he's even doing this. Yeah. And if you pointed out that like no one wants to hear that, he'd be like, well, yeah. Do you know what we need right now in society, by the way? Remember the guardian angels of the 80s, those nerds that used to dress up and like fight crime for free in like the New York subways and stuff. We need to have the guardian angels of proper public etiquette now. People who are designated, they walk around in like uniforms so you can see like, oh shit,

there's the guardian angel. And that person comes over and goes, excuse me, you're being an asshole. Nobody wants to hear your Bank of America on hold or excuse me, shit bird. You don't wear fucking slippers. I'm thinking a little more aggressive. Go for it. Let's do it. I'm thinking in the Philippines.

I think it's, I don't know if it's president or prime minister, he has a kill on site policy for drug dealers. Love it. So like if he even thinks you're a drug dealer, they have permission to shoot you in the head on the streets. I think they should do it for socially rude people. Execution goes right there, murders that guy in Starbucks and it's the state does it. And then everyone's like, what the fuck do they speak, full blast, not acceptable.

And here's how we do it. It's a fucking bullet right in the brain. So you see the splatter, the blood splatter on the window and then like in China, when people are in China, they send your family, the bill for the bullet. Oh, I would love that. So they're like, you get a thing in the mail, it's like you owe us a fucking dollar 28. I love it. And you know who else gets a fucking bullet in the head?

Whoever break their car breaks down during rush hour traffic on the 405. If you're responsible, your car breaks down at five PM on a fucking Friday. And it's your fault that everyone else is now even further fucked. Bullet to the head. Right in the fucking head. I like it. Yeah. And we do it in public.

We round people up, maybe we'll delay that. You know what I mean? Like at the end of the week, we'll do all the assholes that held up traffic. That's got a handmaid's tail. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, they all get around. We all grab a rock and everybody gets a chance to throw a person.

I love it. Yeah, I like it too. Man. Hey, let's get through this guy who hates white people real quick. Everybody hates white people. I know. It's kind of great. Okay, dude, I just have to go off real quick about racism.

Yeah. Okay. Okay. Fuck white people. Yeah. Every culture has something like look at the Chinese. They have like honor and like, mm-hmm. Okay, like, like, like Native Native American or like Hispanic people.

They have like heritage and shit in their culture. Heritage and their shit. How many people have fucking hamburgers and like kicking in the fucking door on other countries and being like, hey, we're better than you because we made you do everything for us and we're a bunch of needy fucking white fuck white people. Okay. Yeah. Is this the new professor over at Harvard sociology guy?

Yeah, the new FGT RTD professor over there. He's the, he's the, the vice admiral FGT RTD head of sociology. Yeah. You know what I do like? Where are all the good white jokes? There's a million white jokes about every fucking like culture and they're all and some of them are real funny. Why is there no good funny white jokes?

Black homies told me this. I hit the ground laughing. Yeah. We are all the white jokes, bro. We are all the white jokes. Oh, this guy's a real self loathing, self hating fucking. What? Why come no white jokes?

I mean, cool tattoos. Yeah. Super cool. I like that your friend drew these in your car while you were driving and put them on you. We are all the white jokes. Yeah. God. He's really thought this through.

I like his presentation. He's very, he's really trying to be deep. Like he's one of those dudes. It's like super dumb, but he's making an attempt at not being super dumb. Well, he's, yeah, he's an FGT RTD. He is an FGT RTD, but he also what happened was he, some like woke him up more. He heard, he was like, yeah, yeah, how come there are no like white people? Jokebook jokes that's fucked up like really open his eyes.

And now he thinks he's having a profound thought. Yeah. This is the first thought he's had that's like, oh, that's what you share this one. Dude, it's big. I think they need to share. Is, is there like a, is there a, wait, that's another person that gets executed, by the way, the need to share people. Yeah.

If you're oversharing on social media, bullet in the head. Oh, that'd be a great one to eliminate. Yeah. I would love to kill everybody that does. Yeah. I think the, the Elizabeth Gilbert interpretive dancer gets a bullet fucking right quick. This guy is so, it's so stupid. He's so dumb.

Yeah. He's really not right. I figured that part out. Why, why come, why come people? He's like, Chinese have honor and the Native Americans have heritage and his fans too. Yeah. They also have good food, um, spring rolls, look at the Chinese, look at the Chinese. What did he say they have?

They have honor. Honor and then. We are all the white jokes, bro. We are all the white jokes. Just by being alive. We're all white jokes. Yeah. Okay.

I don't get it. You know who's back? I would, I'd love to get to this before our guest comes. Guess who? Native Americans. Guess who's back and crazier never. Hell. You ready to see it?

Yeah. You're going to love it. It's so great. Here you go. Here you go. Dan, you got the money. Okay. I got, yeah, I got a few, Bob.

Yeah. Okay. You support Trump. You do. Okay. I was one of the first endorsers, public endorsers of President Trump. What are you guys going to do when our ocean level rises? Okay.

I'm so excited. If you don't know, uh, Dampenia, he's, uh, I don't have the drop ready, but he's, uh, this is why you're fucking poor. Yeah. He's, uh, he's, you know, at the end of fucking BL shit, who gives a fuck? Yeah. I mean, you want to know why you're all fucked up? This guy's the genius.

This is the smartest man alive. Dan, Dampenia should run for president. He's, uh, he would start our policy of public execution and I were discussing some of the level, some of the things that hold on. This is why you're fucking poor. Easy. This is Dan, you know, you won't. We featured him on our show before.

Yeah, of course. But he put it where is it? You have a, you have a fucking template script. You have a motherfucking script that a fucking monkey can read that Alex wants a fucking case study because he wants to know the shit behind it. Cause he's stupid and that's why he's fucking poor. You don't need any motherfucking case studies. How many fucking times do I have to say you had the fucking script?

There's Dan. I said, don't change a fucking word on the script. Not a comma. Not a comma. If it's got misspelled fucking words, send it out misspelled. Okay. The last thing you fucking need is a fucking case study. Memorize this one.

It's my coach. I speak. Yeah, that's right. This is why you're fucking poor. Okay. So there's Dan, who I love. Oh, just one of my favorite people and really a friend of the show. Yeah, he's great.

He and I kept in touch, uh, do we DM on Twitter from time to time and it just, we've had lunch with him. Yeah. No, he's, he's a, look, really a treasure. He's got this aggressive persona, but he's actually a very sweet man to be around. Wonderful gentleman. Yeah, really enjoyed him. Wonderful guy.

So I didn't know about this. This was just saying in, but so this woman's leading up to, I think, uh, Yeah, like Dan painting gives a fuck about the global warming. I think it's coming up. Thank you for asking that question. I have the answer now. Don't let me finish. I have the answer.

Let me finish. Well, thank you for the question. Yeah. Okay. For the first time on earth, we're changing the gas. Now you're full of shit. Sit down. I'm going to answer you.

I'm going to shut up and shut up and sit down. Sit down. No, no way. He's so hilarious. Dan, let's just take Florida, for example, which is one of the fastest growing condominium beachfront condominiums on the planet. In the prospectus, when you invest, there should be, in the footnotes, if global warming is for real and water rises 10 feet, this investment

you made is fuck all. Now, one single investment prospectus written since 2000, this century has alluded to global warming. Now, one motherfucker. So the people that have the money, and I'm jealous of the vice president, Gore, which Sally and I wrote in a plane from South America with a few years of, I am jealous he came up with a scam before I did. Okay.

Because the financial institutions, the banks of this world, no, it's not going to happen. Otherwise, you couldn't get a goddamn loan in London. You know those 30, 40 year mortgages? The world will be over by then. Is Barclay's bank going to give you a motherfucking loan? That's the best. I love him.

I don't know what the hell he's talking about, but. Yeah, he needs a TV show. Do you know what I mean? I fuck Anderson Cooper, put on Dampania every night. If he had a TV show on CNN. You're pulling shit. Sit down. I would watch this guy.

Oh, of course. Nightly. I don't have to agree with anything. No, he's just too entertaining. He's the best. One motherfucker, but he can't be censored. You have to let him roll like this. Oh, it's got to be on like HBO or Showtime.

Shut up and sit down. That's too like a fan. That's somebody that was like, I have a question for you. Shut up and sit down. This guy's a treasure. She for sure bought a ticket to ask him. Yeah, of course. Shut the fuck up.

Well, well, she also wants to fucking light him up. Of course. No, I know, yeah, of course. You like like Dampania is going to be an environmentally. Yeah, that's not his fucking lane. Don't don't make the guy talk about. He's a rape and pillage guy. Yeah, he's a savage.

Yeah, of course. God, I've watched the shit out of that. I would love to have him on because he's easy. He is a Trump supporter. I know. And he's the only like I feel like I think it's 97% of the scientists that are experts in the field agree about global warming, but he is the only person I've ever

heard contested with how come financial institutions are real estate. Yeah. Well, how come they're like you think they're going to loan you something they're not going to get back in a few years. That's actually not one that I've ever heard before. So I'll give them that. Well, it's from his perspective, right?

That's what he deals in his money and real estate and stuff like that. He is a white guy. So fuck white people. I don't like them. Now, our guest should be here momentarily. Should we take a quick? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And we'll be back in a moment.

This is why you guys talk. All right, here we are. Yeah, we're back. We're on. We we're back with our guest. He's tall. He's white and he's thin and he's here. Still weak chin people.

OK. Yeah, yeah. He is the great return guest. We've had him on multiple times, right? But it's been a while. It's been a long time. I think maybe I've done it twice. This is the third time.

I think probably a different location every time. Pretty much. Yeah, I think the great Matt Bronger. Thank you for coming. Thanks for having me. It's this is a joy. Yeah, I love you guys. No, we love you, man.

It's been way too long. Yeah, I feel like I mean, we started doing stand up. Three of us are in LA did stand up together, like probably 15 years ago. Yeah, something like that. I mean, I remember seeing you guys. I remember the first time I saw each of you. I remember the first time I saw you.

You didn't go up. You were visiting. You were visiting from Chicago. You had a blazer on. Yes. And it was at like maybe like a beige colored blazer. I think so. And it was at Tangier, I think.

Oh, am I in room? I was like, you're like, oh, and you were like super nice. I was like, who fucks this guy? Like he was like, hey, I'm like really outgoing and nice. Which in LA is rare because people are always such fuck bags. So Matt was genuinely a nice person. Well, it is a nice person. Thank you.

I remember I used to wear like blazers and t-shirts. It's a hot look. Yeah, but whatever. But like, I remember sometimes I'd talk to comics and they'd be like, oh, what's up, man? Good thinking I was like an exec or something. Oh, right, right, right. Just like, because they'd never seen me before

and they're just wondering, you know. Well, and here too, I mean, I don't know if it's nationwide, but LA, anybody under 40 in a jacket, especially if they're dressed in a suit or something. Oh, that's an agent, junior agent. Sure. Like, it's so weird how they're always in suits, I feel like. Agents almost always have to wear suits.

But why not? Now that you see them more out with like, oh, I just had a, like I just got a tucked-in shirt with what I'm wearing, you know. I don't know why they have to be dressed like that. I think they just get told like, you have to look better than anyone kind of thing. You have to represent and it's all because it's like I have friends that work for for CAA and those and UTA and those giant

like CAA building, you know, we call it the Death Star because it's just it looks and it is, you know, that is like some Darth Vader shit. It is. Like, yeah. And so they it's this culture of when it all costs, which I just can't imagine living in. I mean, and that's when you dress like, like that, right?

And that's what the blazer. Yeah, I guess so. It's a symbol of oppression, right? Yeah, yeah. You got to come in like, like, like Agent Smith. Yeah, yeah, that's true. From Matrix, Mr. Anderson. Oh, yeah, that's true.

That is kind of a that is a uniform of the soulless succubus. They have that the sales picture is always like the most aggressive. They're like, what are you doing with, you know, your mailing list? And you're like, I don't know. They're like, you know, we have this program that can permeate someone's computer, read their fucking emails and we'll make yours. And you're like, wait, what? Yeah, I mean, I'm exaggerating, obviously, but it's like crazy shit like that.

You know, as you guys know, my my wife is my ex-manager. So it's like, I've I know stuff I probably shouldn't know. Oh, I'm sure you know. And like, you know, manager games, I know games. I know games. I know I know agent games. And it's like, I will I will talk with her like when she's like and she's got a small roster that's really awesome and stuff. So she's not generally looking for new clients.

But like, sometimes I'll see somebody and be like, oh, they're great. Or there's someone that's got a lot of heat on them and should be like, yeah, I think I'd like to sign them. But this person, this person, this person, like these big dogs are kind of coming in and stuff. And I'll pretend to be them with her and be like, you know, just like how they talk to the client when she's around. You know, I think care is great.

I love her. I love her. Here's the thing. Here's the thing. My team, that's always the thing because they never talk shit about each other. Not really. But it's this kind of thing of just like, just like, no, no, no. Yeah, like that teams are your free thing. He's like, you know, you're screwed when they say they love you. So true because it always is followed by but they don't want you for this. So that's always we love Christina.

I love you love. I love her. I love her that we're not going to pick up the project. But that's always the casting feedback, too. Yeah, like what did they say? They said they loved you. Yeah. Oh, death. Here it comes. They love me and they're giving me this part.

Yeah. No, I don't love you that much. You know what? The day I got fired from Chelsea Lately as a writer, the executive came down after a taping was like, you're doing such a great job. We love you. I just want to let you know we love you. And I was like, oh, no. And the next morning I got fired. That's yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And that's exactly when they told you, you didn't know.

No, but I remember think I felt really good about myself. I was like, wow, I'm nailing this gig. No way. I just don't know how. You know, my my I created a project and sold it with a cousin of mine a couple of years ago and he writes video games and writes books and stuff. And he's one of the smartest guys I've ever met. And us going through the process together, he's like, I don't know how you guys do this. I don't know how you live like this.

And if when you tell me stories like that, I'm having like PTSD, flashbacks, times where I've been, you know, let go or or someone's, you know, kind of, you know, you're like, oh, I think everything is great. And like, that's when the bottom drops out. Always. How do you maintain? Psychologically, this is a horrible. It's horrible. It's like having an alcoholic parent at a time.

And not the stand up. The stand up is this is psychologically traumatizing in its own way. Yeah. But that the TV film. Yeah. This is really. Yeah. Well, stand up is consistently shitty. Right. Like, you just know there's always going to be a crazy club owner. Sure. Not going to be right. It's fraught with dog shit.

Yeah, it doesn't change. Yeah, it's consistent and shitty. And it's just like, you know, like when they when asked Steve Martin why he quit stand up, he's like Friday to second show. That's why. And it's kind of you could feel like, you know, I think you could a microcosm metaphor would be like a Friday night. Like the first show. Mwah. Yeah. Great.

Everything went awesome. Crowd was having a good time, which they should. Yeah. They're a little boozed up, which great. But they weren't over the top. And then that second show where people went to happy hour and stayed out. Yeah. And they went and they missed the first show. And they're in and you feel like you're strapping on like SWAT team equipment. Yeah. Backstay is like, we're going through the door.

We're going to the door of this crack house. And the best. My hands on your shoulder. Yeah, yeah. Feature your hands on the host. He's going to kick in the door. He's going to get shot in the face. We know he's dead. Yeah. That guy's going to get mowed down. The rookie thing to do.

OK. Yeah. Yeah. Like, Caitlin, you're second. Like, I think you'll catch a couple of shots. You got your you got your vest on. Yeah. Yeah. At least though, if you're in a good club, you know, they know, they're like your support team. Yeah. They're headquarters. But there's the clubs that are like, what, man?

Yeah. And you're like, just having fun. Like, what? Yeah. They don't kick anybody out and they're like, this is what it is. Nobody are like, yeah, but you can make it better. Yeah. I love I love clubs that have that have their security so good that the there's a loud drunk guy and then all of a sudden there's someone standing behind him like Batman. Huh? What?

They just give them a little tap like they have it orchestrated when no one notices these people, but they just slide up and get them out. Guy in the suit. You know what I mean? It's just like, yeah, the guy in the suit that just comes behind and just slits the guy's throat, you know, in the movies like a ninja sentry with a machine gun. You he just pulled the bush and he's gone like that.

Every club needs have one super intimidating looking guy. Yes. I don't understand what they don't like when they go like, this is security and it's a guy like half my size. I'm like, no, you know, what else has been really effective is a woman. Yeah, there's a I've seen great female bouncers because a lot of times those guys are not going to push back on a woman and they're not going to hit her or talk some shit. Yeah. And like there was a there was a lady and I was just in Montreal this past week and there was a lady at one club

that was like roped like her arms were very strong and like tattoos. And she has like her hair pulled back in these like scary post-apocalyptic white girl dreadlocks. Yeah. And you're like, oh, like and she was, you know, it's one of the things where I'm watching her on my set and she's laughing. I'm like, oh, I feel really good about myself because she's intimidating. And also like these guys that want to like, you know, who's going to throw me out? Like if she punches you in the face and you're fighting back tears

and getting thrown out, like it's not a good look for that that guy who thinks he's an alpha male for sure. So he's going to be like, hey, hey, hey, all right, all right, I'll get out. I'll get out. You know, psychologically, it works even better. Big, strong woman. Yeah. Yeah. And just not even that big, just wiry. Yeah. You know, like, like strong, you know, built, built strong like security

likes you. Like Madonna. It almost feels as good as black people approved. Yeah, that's the best. It's almost as good. Black people feel real like that's true. Yeah, I feel really good about myself. Like if you can call it that Cleveland improv. Yes. Yeah.

I know that feeling. Yeah. Not to brag. Yeah, feeling I did it. I had a great set there and walked outside and there's that little standing river back there and a and a tugboat went by. Yeah. Blaring Tupac. Yeah. I yelled out Tug Life. Tug Life. I got a second laugh outside with people having cigarettes.

That's awesome. It's so funny that you nailed one of my one of my choicest moments. That is the perfect moment. Yeah, it was. It felt great. That's a hard one. I also know that room when it doesn't go well. Of course. Yeah. I remember the heckles.

I remember a woman in the back going, your mama should have swallowed that nut. OK. Oh, my God. And I remember a guy just going like third row. He's going, dude's terrible, man. Oh, that's the worst. That's the worst. I remember in New York and a late and Italian

guy going, man, are you kidding me here? Like, come on, let's get out of here. Like, yeah, audibly during my set up. That's that's worse. Good, because you know it's someone authentic. It's so it's not like, hey, you suck. And it's undeniable. I'm not doing well right now.

Well, and don't read the comment cards. You ever read those when you're a feature? Nope. Don't even do it. I don't even do it. Don't read the YouTube comments. No, I know I learned that one. But I only didn't read them

because I probably didn't think about it. When I was still featuring, I would have read them all. I'm sure I was like, please, please validation. Yeah, it's terrible. And even if you read 300 good ones, you would find the two. Oh, yeah. That's what you do that now.

You gotta do that now, even on Twitter or whatever. The one guy that hates your guts. Yeah, it's just, it just feels good. That's the joy of staying up. Yeah. I love, I don't get as many, you know, like out and out, I hate you ones, but like I get backhanded compliments,

which are, to me, those are kind of fantastic. What's your favorite one? Yeah, yeah, tell us. I did that throwback show at Montreal with Wanda Sykes and Joe Coy and Fortune Fiemster. What's a throwback show? They put clips, old clips of you up. Oh no.

And everyone has a mic. And everyone can stop it. And you don't know what it is? Do you know what clip is coming? No, not really. They had one of me in 2004, like a backyard party drunk and everyone's filming us. And I remember doing that show and being like,

I remember it being fun and I was like, oh my look, I have so much anxiety right now. So I hate it. Chris Gethard was backstage and I was telling about it because he was the next show, not throwback. And he just got quiet and I was like, are you okay? And he's like, I'm just having horrible flashbacks. I'm having like, like charges of terror

going through my body right now. And I was like, yeah. And I guess we were just sweating on stage. It was, it felt like probably how skydiving feels. I've never skydived, but it felt like that. So wait, what were you saying? What's your compliment? Oh, so someone said like, these guys are really funny.

No one could have saved that show, but boy, they tried. Oh, right. And the show I thought did really well. Right. Which is surprising to me, but I don't know. They're like, good try though. Yeah. Yeah.

That's weird. No, A for effort, man. Yeah. A for effort. I watched your show and like, you try hard. Yeah. That and Tom and I both hate when people are like, oh, we saw your special on Netflix.

It's good. It's pretty good. Pretty good. Don't say anything. It's just that thing that everyone's an expert on comedy. Everyone. Oh, especially. Because everyone's, I pretty much,

everyone's made someone laugh at some point. But a lot of these people are office managers or bosses where the person has to laugh at those things you say. And so you, like Michael Scott, go like, oh, I'm funny. Yeah. I'm funny. And so everyone has, you know, I was on my couch

on my fifth beer. You were in front of a thousand people by yourself, Tom. And you know what? I think you, I know I would have done different things than you. And it's like, no, you probably would have shit yourself. Yeah, no.

And ran off stage crying. Yeah. You know what I mean? Because we haven't done 15, 20 years of standing. I forgot who said it, but I think the more that I thought about it, I was like, they're right. Every man, every man thinks they're hilarious. Yeah.

To like, if you get them at the right time, they're like, I'm pretty fucking funny. Yeah. And so. Yeah. Some of them are to be fair. Sure. Some of them actually are really funny people.

But I still, some of them are not. Do any of us not flinch a little when we're forced to say out loud that we're funny? Oh, right, right. And we're professional. Right, right, right. That, but even then right then, I couldn't say it because it's just like too, you know.

It feels gross. It feels gross. Yeah. Friend of mine, and I was hanging out, it's always hilarious when anyone unironically describes themselves as smart, funny or tough. Oh my God. Talking about themselves.

That's so true. Guys rushed us and I like fought them. I'm like the tough one. I'm like, you are? You're the tough one? Yeah. I worked on this puzzle like, I mean, I'm pretty smart. Yeah.

Like, who are? I mean. Good for you. Smart, really smart people you'll find usually don't lead with how smart they are. No, because they understand the all-encompassing vastness of human intelligence. Right.

Every smart person's met someone that made them feel like a monkey. Of course. Every one of them. Yeah. I knew someone who knew someone who was hired as a Simpsons writer. And he was always the smartest person in the room

and he went in that room and he's like, I've never felt stupider in my whole life. So it's like, you need stuff like that. Wait, can I, sorry. We pull up the Instagram video that we watched earlier and just see if Matt feels the same thing we do. Because it's kind of, it's along this tangent of like, what's, kind of feels grody.

Yeah. Wait, does this feel, does this feel, what am I feeling? Like, I'm not sure, but I'm sorry, I interrupted you. No, no, no, that was my point. I just wanted to say it was my point. Okay, here we go. Tell me how this, how does this make you feel?

Just watch this, it's a video, it's grief is a full body experience. So this is a dance of grief for this person. Okay. I mean, this is just letting the grief out, but. Yeah. I'm sorry to be.

I mean, she's obviously talented. She's got good movement, sense. It feels like a very white. It's a white lady thing to do though, right? Yeah, I think so. You know, it's like, the thing is, it's like, I grew up, I grew up in Portland, Oregon, where my parents took me to so many things like this.

Oh, God. Here's the difference, here's the difference. If you're in a theater and you're like, I'm here to watch experimental dance, you're asking for it. Yes, you are. And I kind of, I will be honest, I respect the fact that she went out and put this up.

Cause that's inviting all kinds of shreddings. Right. By the way, none of the comments are mean. We're the only people that are mean. All the comments are like beautiful. Hey, listen, I'm like, Kara is always just, just punching me over the head over. You're always, you never are, you know,

you never, I'm never the guy who just like, gives it three beats and goes, oh, fuck this chick. You know, like, like. You're not that guy. Never, not really, but like. No, you're like. At the same time, it's, is she putting this up to help with others' grief and to access her grief

or to show her dance skill? Because she's obviously a good dancer. It's the person who put it up. It doesn't matter, I don't know. It doesn't matter. The person who put it up is not the person dancing. But as I'm, listen, as I'm giving it the benefit of the doubt, I'm still laughing.

I'm still, I mean, I'm still. Because you're, it's a little bit cringy. Yes it is. And like, let's say I did this. Yeah. Oh my God. Come on. But that would be entertaining.

Well, but here's the thing. I respect this more than an incredibly fit celebrity that's like, like just showing his or her amazing body and going and going and going. There are times I didn't love myself. Like. Oh yeah. Or my favorite are these postpartum pics

that models and actresses put up. Like two weeks postpartum and the flat belly. And they're like, I'm putting these pictures up to inspire other women. Like, no, you're not. You're not. No, you're not. You're pockmarked ass.

Right. You know what I mean? Hang it off the edge of a chair. Yeah, it's not inspiring to other people. It's to incite jealousy and envy. Yeah. Like I love, there's that, I think she's English, but she does, she does imitations of celebrity,

like videos and pictures. Where she's like, was a girl, a woman, in a bikini jump roping insanely. Like, like so, like so cut. And then she does it. She's like, look. Her belly's jumping. And it went with the same hashtags,

which is just like, okay. Perfect. Lunacy. But also to this video, shut up Schnitzel. This video makes me so uncomfortable because it's so earnest. And because like, I'm not capable, I'm not that in touch with my feelings.

So when I see other people doing it, I'm like, oh God, God gives me so much anxiety to be that in touch with your feelings. See, that's what I was saying. I don't like that either. It's great. The balance in the universe is that the earnest, sincere person exists.

Yes. And they are actually helpful. They are. It's good to have that non-cynical, like earnest person. And then the balance is that the universe fills it with pieces of shit like us, who mock them. And some people enjoy that for a moment.

I don't know if it's pieces of shit. Well, you know. I will say, because because it's like, when this person does that and puts it out there, they know what they're doing. And they had, you got it. If you're gonna be an artist, you better have a thick-ass skin.

I think you're right. Because it's like, and kind of go, yeah, you're right. All right, cool. I'll take it. I'll take it. Don't get butthurt, because I'll put it this way. Back to my childhood, I remember going to these performances and like looking at my dad and he's so uncomfortable.

He wasn't comfortable. Yeah, because it's just like, you know, yeah, try to think, and you know he wants to be like, this is dumb, like he wants to do so bad. You know, but he's kind of just trying to keep an open mind. So who wanted this? Your mother forced you guys to watch this horseshit?

I think it's just, I'm kind of trying to ma- Look, my dad would take me a little bit, but like he also would be like, all right, you know, let's go to this thing. Go to the Trailblazers game, Jesus. Yeah, take me to that. Take me to every Schwarzenegger movie, every day of Bond. But because I had knowledge and perspective,

I wasn't like, I feel like right now there's a movement of, you know, like fucking white pride, anti-women, Dumbos that while wear red hats and blah, blah, blah, and those guys. And I think those guys took those movies seriously They thought Commando was real. They thought Schwarzenegger was really, and that was a real, you know, and they said like,

the enemy, I just want to stab someone so bad and they really want a death start to blow up, but that shit doesn't exist. Trump says he's smart, by the way. I've said him in multiple interviews. Yep, and so you know it's true. You know it's true by our definition, you know it's true. He probably also says he's funny and tough.

He says, he said when that horrible parkland shooting took place at that school, he's like, I would have gone in there unarmed. Yes, for sure. And like, he's like, fucking, yeah. I would have run into this. I'm crazy. I'm where I've heard an assault rifle gun.

I would have run into that fucking building. Bro, for real though, like you don't know, man. You don't know, I've done some crazy shit. I've done some wild shit, man. Some wild shit, for real. Why don't we give him a chance? Next time there's somebody holed up in a Trader Joe's or something, let's just fly in something.

Is that in the press? Yes. Oh, stand down. Stand down, SWAT team. Yeah, go ahead asshole. Be smart, tough, and what's the other one? And funny. And funny.

Yeah, because people will sometimes, sometimes people will tell you after shows, they'll be like, I'm pretty funny guy. Oh yeah. And you're like, all right, or I'll get emails. They'll say, you know, I watched your special or I was at your show and I have some material that I think you would be able to,

to like, I'm not going to use it. Good. Because I don't do it. But I'll give it to you. And I'll be like, okay, cool, thanks. And they'll be like, so do you want it? If you want it, hit me up. But I'm like, no, I'm good.

And then they'll follow up and they're like, it's fucking like primo material. And then I'll not respond and they'll write, hey, I know you didn't respond, but I'm going to share it with you anyways. And it'll be like a page of just writing with no punctuation. Oh.

And you're like, all right. That's mental illness, babe. That's not me. Well, and it's also like willful ignorance, where it's like, look, I don't want to learn on the, yeah, I don't want to go through all that stuff you've gone through. I just want to get it.

I wanted to think, like the lady, I hated the pornography of suffering that like American Idol and all those shows do where they show you the people that sucks. So you'd be like, ha ha, you thought you could sing. Go kill yourself. You are shamed. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But there was one lady who came on and just couldn't dance and couldn't sing. And then had a meltdown where she's like, I know you can do that thing where you put people's voices through like a filter and make someone a star, do it for me. And it's like, why would we do that? I want to be a star.

Why? So you can have all this, what do I gain in breaking my neck to do that? So it's like that thing of someone just being like, well, I know you did stand up in shitty rooms for 20 years, but like, I just want to skip ahead. I had someone tell me that a friend who I'm no longer friends with actually, she was like,

yeah, I'd like, I'd love to do what you do, but I don't want to go through like, you know, learning how to do it and like failing. And so I just want to be like successful at it. And I was like, I don't think I could be friends with you. I really don't think I can. No, that person is horrible. I mean, it's like, I love being lazy.

It's the best, but it doesn't get you anything. You need to recognize that, you know? So gross. It doesn't, you don't deserve things. You just want the glory. Speaking as an only child, you know what I mean? Of course. I've always thought I was a golden, golden boy.

I'm not right, you know what I mean? But it's like the amount of people who just want stuff handed to them. And it's a stereotype for millennials. And I don't think it's, it's any more or less true than our generation or whatever, but like the amount of people who once they hit 30 and they're not Drake slash Zuckerberg,

I wonder how it's going to shatter their psyches. Because there's people that just expect like, no, no, I'm going to blow up. I'm going to blow up. And I think too, it's the pressure to be a Zuckerberg by the time you're 30, because there are so many fuckheads that are super millionaires.

And now you feel inadequate because you're not a multimillionaire by the time you're 30. And that's just silly. Yeah. And the whole thing really is like, if you actually just get into the work of it and like you really love it, you know, it sounds cliche, but the ups and downs come with that. And you will feel like, oh, I did something meaningful.

You don't want to miss out on all that stuff, the good and the bad. Yeah. The bad stuff helps a lot. Absolutely, it helps. Couple of things I have to update on before I do this, excuse me, this advertisement. Sure, bud. First is that I got the message

that added show in Montclair is happening Wednesday, November 14th. It is on sale this Friday. This Friday, TomSigura.com tour. We're adding a show in Montclair at the Wellmont. Additionally, the bikes, socks are on sale now. Yep. Socks. There they are. They're socks. I want a pair of those.

I will send you a pair of those. Please, thank you. And you can go and get them there at merchmethod.com TomSigura got them up on my Instagram. I just want somebody to give that to their mom who doesn't know from who this is. I love bikes. I love bikes. Not realizing what it is.

It's just like something a convict screamed at kids. Sure, it's happening. Yeah, so there's that. BAM! And let's see. I had a snore guard made. Okay. And the first one they made didn't work.

Oh. I took it home. You know, they take a mold of your mouth. Oh, okay. I didn't know that. Yeah. And then I brought it into the dentist. Yeah. And tried it on. And he basically, like under his breath, was like, fuck.

Oh, always a good sign. Well, he's like, we'll send you a new one. And I go, well, yeah. I mean, it's got to work, right? Yeah. So anyways, they said the new one. Do you have any complaints? Oh, it's saved our lives.

Hey, if you have somebody in your marriage, your spouse, whatever, whoever sleeps next to you that snores, go to the dentist and get a professional snore guard. What word does it go? So it's just to your mouth, right? It's a mouth and it has bands. The top dish in the bottom tray have a band

that are adjustable. So what happens is the principle of the idea is, say snoring is caused by different things for different people. Most of the time it's that someone's lower jaw actually drops down and then obstructs the air passage. So the mouth guard with those bands, depending on how tight you make them,

just keeps your lower jaw up. So you fall asleep and instead of your mouth dropping, it just stays up, stays forward. But what if you sleep, like with, breathe through your mouth when you sleep? I mean, there's, yeah, there's open and there's, yeah, there's air can pass through it. It's just like, keeps your,

and then if you have like a really strong drop, you can make the band super tight in your mouth. I just stay like that. It looks cool. Looks sexy, right? I love it. I love a lot of guys that have their mouth guard in. My favorite time with you.

But man, also you feel, cause you're, when you're, you don't realize when you snore a lot. Yeah. I didn't, that your sleep is super fucked up. Uh-huh. You're always like dragging. Like, God.

Yeah. And ever since I started, I started wearing them years ago. It's kind of, this is a new one. Okay. Always feel completely differently. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You sleep deeper. Yeah. Yeah, I don't always snore, but like, like my wife will wake me up, you know? And I'll go back to sleep. I ordered my first one. Like, when she recorded it, she recorded me snoring.

Okay. And this is back when we lived in the Rampart division. This is before like, oh wait. Yeah. And I played it for him. Off near MacArthur Park. Right. I remember that.

Every time I go to the Dynasty typewriter, I think of you guys. Yeah. Is that that new place? Uh-huh. How is it? It's good. Yeah.

It feels real old school. You know, Jamie, who used to run the improv, runs it. And he, he just, bunch of different weird shows. It's, the one thing is, parking is just a monster over there. And then your car is going to get jacked for sure. Yeah. It's not, it's not.

Maybe Uber down there next time. Yeah, I would Uber. Yeah. I would Uber. There you go. Well, there's the heads up. Just Uber. Just Uber.

But, but the shows are good. But it's a fun, it's a fun room. Yeah. Before, I don't want to just, I just want to jump over it. Your, you started basically a new version of your podcast. Yeah. What's it called? It's called advice from a dipshit with Matt Bronger.

That's perfect. And thank you. I'm very, very proud of the name. You know, I, everything I've ever named, it's just like, does it make me laugh? Like every album, every special, like is it, is it a name that makes me laugh? You know what I mean?

I always, I, you know, we both have bits about, about tattoos. Oh yeah. Sure. We both hate meaningful tattoos. Yeah, yeah. I hate meaningful, special titles. Oh man.

I don't hate them. Oh, there's got to be a, I know there's a few that you get. We got to talk about it off here. There's something that like, you know, I mean, it depends, but, but, or album titles or, you know, but like. Like sincere ones, you mean? Well, like if someone calls, you know, like, like,

I'm waiting for the guy to name his comedy album or a special beast. Or it's like, which is a nickname we give you, like a compliment, not a nickname, we give each other. Right, right. But anyway. Guy's a beast. Guy's a beast.

No, I like the one that kills. And then the picture is like. No, I like the caution tape. He's like bursting out of chains. The caution tape. Caution tape is big. The wrap dub and caution tape. This comedy is too dangerous.

This is a crime scene. This is a crime scene he killed so hard. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The tape over the mouth, equal opportunity offender. Yeah. Yeah. The joke is a victim.

Yeah. But my, the podcast was called Ding Donger with Matt Bronger. I love that name. Yeah, I still like it. But people who don't know who I am, there's like, what is this? Who is this? And we live in the era where you got it,

like arrest, what's the billboard? What's the show about? Okay, I get it. You know, like what, I have to read it and understand. I feel like advice from a dipshit. You're like, I get it. So people, people can call in. Can I read the number?

Of course. Of course. And they can just call in and just leave a message. Like whatever you want to ask about. Cause I feel like, you know, I got married at, at 43. I've had a DUI. I've made a lot of fucking mistakes in my life. You know, but all of which kind of made me who I am.

Of course. I feel like we're all made of mistakes. Yeah. And it's just like, it's kind of become this dear dipshit abbey for millennials and older. Where people are just like, and I get older people asking me how the, how I get, how do you get over heartbreak? I get people, younger people going like,

my parents really want me to be this, but I want to be this. You know, I get people like, how do I tell my family I'm gay? And it's like, I draw from experience, just people that I've known who've gone through this, but mostly through my own experience. I'm actually going to have a,

I start having like guests on every couple of episodes to listen with them with me. Cause I don't hear them beforehand. I don't pick the messages. My producer partner Amanda does. And so she'll be like, oh, I got some in the barrel for you this time. And she'll play them.

And I'll be like, what, like, what the shit? And like, I'm doing them live now. And so it's fun because the audience hears them for the first time with me. And there's nothing like a packed room where a guy's like, hey man, love your comedy. I got a weird dick, you know, like something like, all right.

Yeah, yeah. Live with that would be a lot of fun. It's a lot of fun. And it's like, I treat everything sincerely. I make it entertaining, you know, as a comedian, but it's like, I'm not here to make fun of people. Right. And so people know that it's kind of like,

I hate to use the term safe space, but it's like, say anything you want. Say what you want. Don't prank me. Don't do a character because it ain't going to make it. I'm not going to play it. Well, you're going to be respectful of them. It sounds like, yeah.

So the number is three, two, three, seven, six, three, zero, two, two, eight. If you want to call. Say it again because people won't. Three, two, three, seven, six, three, zero, two, two, eight. And just leave a message. I love it. And it's fun.

It's only a half hour. So it doesn't take too much time in and out. You can throw it on. And it's a blast. I love it. I love doing it. I love it, man. Thanks, man.

Yeah, I'm very proud of you for doing that. I'm proud of you guys. You guys blew up. I'm so inspired by how big this podcast is and how awesome it is. It's so fun doing it. Yeah. Because I've always been a fan of both of your voices

as comedians. Like your people that I hang out with and I always just laugh. Yeah. And at the time I saw you on the road and you were like just in a McDonald's. And I was like, hey, at an airport, you know. And I was singing about this.

I might have said this on the show, but I remember the first time we did stand up actually together and it was in Venice and you went up and crushed. And then someone up, I went up after you and did eh and I got off stage. And I was like, who is that guy? Could have never seen you.

And this guy sidled up next to me and was like, yeah, you know why you didn't do that well? Cause that guy, he's not supposed to kill like that. And he didn't know you at all. Based on how he thought you looked or something. And I was like, okay, fuck this guy. Yeah. Tom's cool.

I like, he doesn't name Tom. I like Tom. Yeah, but it was that thing like the audacity of people to be like, look to see you. I guess the same guy would be like, oh, it's a chick. Yeah. She'll probably be okay. You know what I mean?

It's just that they, the categories. Sure. People put, I love watching, I still love watching stand up. I still love watching comedy and I love being surprised. That is true. You know. Being surprised is the best element.

It's the best where you're just like, where did this person come from? But I never go, this person's going to eat it. Never. No. Because you don't know. Do I do that? No, you don't ever know.

Yeah, you don't know. You do if a guy look like he's nervous a little bit. Yeah, nervous. Or if he immediately comes out with way too much cursing after bat. Or it's a, how you guys doing tonight? How is everybody feeling? Like, oh.

Or you can see, you can see like, like kind of hallway backstage bravado, like fake confidence. Yes. Someone who's like, fucking, you should have seen my show Thursday or something. You're like, oh, this is going to be bad. Uh-huh.

Like that, that's that. Oh yeah, definitely. If they're talking about another show, how well they did, I'm like. Treating it like a locker room. Yeah, that's that. Yeah, man. A lot of hot chicks there, man.

Have you been, bro? Yeah, yeah. Real hot shit. You're like, this guy's going to eat his own dick. Yeah. This is going to be bad. All right, did you ever see those comics? Sorry, but before, like,

when we were starting to come up to book shows, there was always a guy in the alleyway, kind of pacing back and forth, nervously listening like heavy metal music to get himself pumped. Like that guy, do you know what I mean? Yeah, shadow boxing. Yeah.

Shadow boxing, always a bad sign. Yeah, trying to get himself psyched. You're like, oh, this guy's going to eat his dick. I was about to go out on midnight, real quick, I was about to go out, and we were going to bring us out on at midnight, and I'm back there with Hasan Minhaj, and I'm like, my legs are so stiff.

I'm just stretching my thighs. He's like, you just stretch before you go out? I'm like, no, I never do. And he's just like, long as you're not shadow boxing, we stay the same time. It's so true. That guy's going to eat it.

That guy used to get ripped at the early shows. You know that guy? Like, hammered? Yeah, and it was at the Cat Club. He would just bow. Oh, yeah. And he'd be like, I'm up, I'm up. Matt Crass, Matt Crass.

And he was just like, he was funny though. Like, whiskey, whiskey. Yeah, but then what happened was, it'd be really funny, like you're seeing like a seven minute dose of it. Pure raw confidence. And then next week, you'd be like, I can't wait to see that guy again.

And he would be like, he'd just drink like five whiskies. And then he'd be like, you fucking bitch. He was like, oh no. He was a mean drunk. He was great. And then you'd be laughing at him being a mess.

You're like, you're not laughing at things funny anymore. You're like, this is crazy. Like, this is a guy screaming at a bus stop, basically. You know, you're like, this is bad. Yeah, yeah. I loved watching him. Matt, would you judge this guy? Okay.

Oh, fuck. I can't hear him. I can't hear him. Can I end up in unassisted seer? Well, I'd like to have some, right on my lips. I would like to have some titties around my face. I would like to have some sex. Oh, I'll make you calm.

Oh God. The last lady, 10, 15 times before I even went to Beaumonts. So you just puttin' it out there? Yeah. And think about that, ladies. I would like to buy someone to have sex with. We got it.

Yes, thanks. So what does he want, though? The nuance. Well, here's the thing, are you tired of poets? I'm tired of poets. Jesus, just say what you, life is short. We found him last week. Yes.

And we played those clips, and we talked about it for a while. Turns out he's got other clips. No, wait a minute. What did mommy say? Last week when he came into our lives, you go, no, I think he's normal. And I go, when we go down this guy's rabbit hole?

Yeah. Weird shit's gonna come. Yes, but let me say, that's awful and ridiculous. Terrible. And just, all right, buddy, cut it out. But, counterpoint, if that guy was in a bar, and different people were goin' up and singin' little folk songs, country songs,

and he went up and was like, boom, dick, doo, I'd like to have some sex. That's true. I'd like to have some titties in my face. You'd be like, hey, man, yeah. That's so true. That's how you send that message. You don't just go, I'd like some sex.

I'd like some titties in my, last lady came 15 times where I went, boom. All right, man. Women like a little romance. I gotta tell you, compared to most of the people we play, this guy is romantic. I mean. No, that's a sad thing.

We're all so enured. Yeah. The fact that he has a little, and why so close to the camera? Oh, that's, listen, we've analyzed the visuals on this. Yeah, it's so bad. Now, you just encapsulated that exactly, because last week, that's what we were saying,

like, you can't just come out like that with women. Women don't respond, maybe other dudes respond well to that, but you're right. That's what he needed in an accessory. And you don't, now, right now, right now, right now. No, women don't like that.

Yeah, you don't say it's staring in someone's face. You kind of say it off in the distance. You know what I mean? Like you're an old man bartender. And so it's like, hey, how's it going, Sammy? And he's like, I'd like to have some sex. What would you, like, that's funny. He's not, he's saying it to the universe.

Right. I mean, everyone feels that way from time to time. He's just putting it, by the way. He's just putting it in this folder, the make you come guy. Oh. So let's see. He's so good with those labelings.

You know, I wish this. He took his dentures out. Dad's a bad, bad cop. He could just make love to someone. Free them nicely, though. What is he watching? Rachel Maddow. Last week, it was Rachel Maddow.

Okay. They went their way. It's some kind of CSI type drama, I think. So wait a minute. The taking the teeth out is really a bold move. That's a crazy choice. I know, because last week. I think that helps his mouth technique.

It probably does, right? I'm sorry. I apologize to say that in the presence of a lady. He did this last week. Look, he ended it. I can't. I remember with a big smile. See?

Yep. Hey. I noticed that his chompers were creepy. Yeah. Well, wait, we were way too false looking. Yeah, it's not that. When someone looks weathered with their teeth. Yes.

Movie star white. What? And straight, like, nah, man. It's weird. Like bones. They look like white. No hard feelings, nothing. Just having straight up sex, poor play.

No hard feelings. Hey, listen. I don't want to have hard feelings. Just put your teeth in, asshole. Just put your fucking teeth in, bro. I want to have you a clean person. We'll be clean. Somebody who smells good down there, you know.

Oh. He mentioned the unmentionable. The thing that women are self-conscious about and shouldn't be. He's like, make sure it smells not like. And who's he to make demands on someone's vagina? He's not sweet. Well, he said it smells.

I see myself clean down there. He doesn't know how to smell smells. No, I will bet $1,000 he has real smelly balls. Would you smell him if he asked you? Nah, I would pay someone. I'd pay a Vegas professional. Short, tall, skinny, quite heavy. Doesn't matter.

They should be somebody out there who wants to hook up with kids for sex. I wish they could find me a rich woman. Also rich. Or younger, whatever. Whatever. Get in with her. Get in with her.

He not only wants sex, he wants to live off a lady. Yeah. What was he watching? It looked like a black and white. I feel like he checks off all the boxes for what a modern woman is looking for. I would not have predicted it, but that first video, he is watching MSNBC.

I did not think that was his lane. I think it's kind of immaterial what he's watching, the fact that it's reflecting on his glasses and he's still looking at the video and going, I'm gonna put it up. Well, he's framed, though. I mean, you've been on camera a lot. He's framed really nicely.

He's framed real close. Do you remember that movie, Election? Yeah. Remember the cut to what he finds out? Matthew Broderick finds out his co-worker, his co-teacher, is having sex with Reese Witherspoon's high school girl character and the close up on his face.

And he goes, you can't believe how wet or pussy gets. Pardon me. And it's close because it's awful. Yeah, it's gross. Because when a guy is talking about that stuff and you're that close, there's nothing worse. Yeah, you're like that. That's one of the funniest parts of the movie.

And he's just like, ah, man, don't talk like that. Well, that's the thing, a phenomenon on our show is that all the creepers, the creeper guys, the framing is always too close. They're generally shirtless. They're lit poorly. The sound is bad. They all check these boxes of psycho behavior.

Here's the thing, he's not done making demands. There's another video. Oh, there's demands. No. Well, it seems like, I mean, I'm just reading kind of the notes about it, but here, let's see if he. No. Oh.

Hello out there. How you doing? Teeth are back. Hope you're doing great today. Full volume background. Go T. Thank you for all the vagina panty shots. I appreciate that.

Very nice. He cleaned up. At least now he's in a nice couch background. The TV is full volume for his video. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say he's doing like a politician move. A man walked up to me in Indiana the other day. Oh, right.

And he said, my taxes are too high. And I said, you know what? No one walked up to you. No one ever has. No one. Nobody said this guy pussy shots. I'm going to go out on a limb and say thanks to the hundred. I mean, maybe like one.

I would like to encourage our audience to send him some pussy panty pics. See, now he's going to get a ton. Yeah, I would really hope. You just did him a square. I really hope they do. A lot of beautiful women on here. No.

You know, to get you a guy that was all great. You got to stay with you longer. They won't cheat on you with another one. They won't cheat on you with another guy. Oh, so he's kind of being self-deprecating there. He's saying, I'm not the best looking guy and I won't cheat on you. You're a looking guy.

And he can have anybody he wants. Possibly by curious. Thank you, really. He wants you. He wants you for that look what I got on my arm. But hold on also. He wants. They were looking guy.

He won't just like you. He'll love you till the day he dies. Think about that, ladies. And get rid of these tattoos. Whenever you're old, they're going to be all wrinkly and saggy. They're not going to look as good as they are now. Don't get tattoos. Ew, I threw up.

My Islamic came up in my throat. He's telling you, ladies, you can send him pics, but not if you have your filthy tattoo. This is the old white guy entitlement for sure. Here's what I want. Here's what I want. Here's what I want. Here's what you should do.

Here's what you should do. Here's what you should do. He gives nothing. He put in his teeth and we're supposed to high five him. Well, he grew a stylish trimmed goatee. That is pretty nice. And he announced I put in my teeth today for this video. Wow, thanks, asshole.

But get rid of these tattoos. Get rid of your tattoos. I put my teeth in. Get rid of that tattoo that cost you $200 and send me some money. Jesus Christ. What an asshole. Would you wear a hat that says FGT RTD on it?

What does that mean? What do you think it means? Let's start there. What do you think it means? FGT RTD. It can't be fat, great titties, right? Because that's too descriptor before the T. But I know the show and I think the T's got to be that.

RTD, FGT, RTD. What could that mean? Just like, it's a hat, you know? Yeah, OK. I mean, can I send you one? You send me a hat? Yeah. See, I know that every listener is just crying, laughing.

I mean, it's something terrible, isn't it? We haven't actually said it. We haven't defined it yet. Yeah, we haven't defined it. We've dropped it a couple times before the show. Oh, really? Yeah, no, no, no. But you know what it means.

Yeah. You just haven't said the meaning. We invented it. OK. Yeah, yeah. It's horrible. Well, should I just put it on and walk around like a mall in Sherman Oaks or something?

And just see if I get punched in the mouth. Yeah. Well, why don't we let the audience try to come up with what they think that means? Let's not throw it. Oh, right. Let's give it a week and see if people can come up with what they think it is on the message boards

and on the Facebook page. Oh, OK. Yeah. Let them discuss. And we'll see if that, in fact, is a shirt or a hat we can make. Stay in the line also, by the way, made another video. Great. Somebody found it.

OK, we got to go soon, James. Does it stand for first great tongue replaces that dick? That's it. Did I nail it? You nailed it. OK, you nailed it. The first time you get some tongue. And yeah, it replaces the dick.

So much better. Yes, it's a boner that doesn't move. Of the millennial lesbian. Oh, OK. First great tongue replaces that dick. It's like an anti-male oppression. Or a woman who hasn't gotten enough oral from her lover. That's true.

You know what I mean? Let's put it in. Thank you. You like my wiener. Thank you for naming it, by the way. Sure. So now we can sell it as first great tongue replaces that dick. The first time.

It's got to be great tongue. It's got to be great. It's got to be just someone who knows how to use it. What place is that dick? Staying alive. It's so juvenile. Oh. Ha, ha, ha, I'm staying alive.

Oh, look at those two feet. He does it everywhere. This guy does it everywhere. One, two, three, four. He does it staying alive. And he uses his lung infection as an instrument. No. God.

Two cuts. Ha, ha, ha. One. Stay united, stay united, stay united. Remix. Yeah. Remix, yeah. Yeah.

Ooh. Got rhythm. Yeah. This is oinks. Wow. Nessie, what would you rather have though? The make-you-come-guys teeth or... This guy, a hundred times.

Yeah. They need to put him on the voice. Right? Because it's like, oh, all right. Yeah. It's a talent. It's hard to guess the person's sex just listening to it. Definitely hard to guess the age.

Yeah. And I can see someone being like, man, that's that good rhythmic soul. I'll take it and it turns and he's smiling the teeth. Oh, to me that's what that show is for. If you don't see him. Yeah, I mean. Yeah, I know. I'm saving lives.

Does he live outside? Yeah. He really has a lung infection? I know. Yeah, Dr. Drew said he does. I mean, I'm just thinking it's this tragic tale. No, no, no. I don't have a month to live.

No, our producer labeled this file that. Okay, because I'm looking at the top of it. Oh, no. I don't know. We've just always. He's a homeless man. I don't know. I don't know anything about him.

I just know that we've had now three or four times videos of him, this particular man, in different settings, singing, staying alive. Yeah. I mean, before he looked like he could be outside a restaurant or an alleyway. Yeah. Now he's in this San Andreas Hills. Yeah. Just on the side of the road.

Yeah. Imagine if he's like pulled over to fixing a tire and this guy's like, hey. And he's like, I'm not going to help you change the tire. I can sing a song. Stay alive. A dollar. Okay. Stay, stay united.

Stay united. I think he's really just had too much sun. Yeah. Gee, we gotta go. Okay. I have a question. Here's the problem. Can we...

Can you stick around or no? Yeah. I have to pick up my son. Okay. Do you have time to hang out for like another 30, 40 minutes or so? Yeah, absolutely. Why don't we do that? Let's take a break.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's great. And we're back. I just took brawny pants to pick up our son. How was that? Did you enjoy that? I enjoyed it. It's cute, right?

Yeah. I liked it. It didn't make me laugh that Tommy had a good point. He's like, I don't think you can get out of the car. And I'm like, yeah, it's a preschool. Yeah. I guess he was getting out. No, let me walk in ahead of you.

Just a grown man, no one knows. That's true. I didn't think about it. That's just the visions of divorced dads that deserve to get divorced. Yeah. Tommy. Yeah. I don't care what any court says.

I'm sure they've had a deal with that sort of thing. Oh, yeah. I can't be just standing in the parking lot and parents. I've never seen him. And I'm sure there's probably. He's not a teacher. Oh, no. Not a caretaker.

There's probably friends that have tagged along. Sure. They've been like, why can't I come in? Oh, no. No. And then walk in. And they're like, what? Yeah.

I remember my parents are both educators now retired, but my dad used to, he was an administration in the last 10, 15 years. He was a principal and a vice principal. And at one point he was principal of this place near our house called Holly Rood that's like maybe K through five. And I remember walking up and my dad is taller than me. Now he's kind of shrunk with age, but like he's a big guy and he's just destroying these kids in Foursquare.

And it was so fun to watch, but it was like I walking onto the playground, I'm like, this just feels so weird. I'm like, dad, hey, and all the kids just turned and we went, dad, hey, like they all yelled back at me. And everybody was like, my dad's like, oh, it's my son and we were like, okay, okay. But it's just like, that was my first exposure to, you know, you can't just walk in here. Yeah, right, right. You know, it's just, I'm very conscious of it.

No, of course. And there's a code to get in and they watch those kids like a hawk. I got you. They ain't going no way. You have to. Yeah. I know this fucking site goes out there. My old voting place used to be inside a grade school that was down the street from my,

I'd go in there and I'm like, in the hallway alone, I'm like, this is not good. Where's the voting? Why'd you put it here? Why'd you put it? Where's the room? And I see the sign and I just run over to it and get in line like, oh, thank God. No, it's just a bad, you know, and I love is Matt wanting to put our lung infection guy on the voice.

So great, which I think is such a great idea. I was laughing at that, especially because you're right that I've, I've only said I show once like they, the judges have their backs turned so that you don't, why is that just that you're not biased by? I think that's the idea. Yeah, I've only seen it once or twice, but we are in the age where you know, silly. No, but I'm saying you sell, people get huge careers because they look.

Yeah, they're hot. Yeah. Why aren't you telling me about that white singer who sounds black and they, we were listening. Oh yeah. Well, yeah. Oh, I could, I could go when Bobby Caldwell's hit song, what you want to do for love, what you want to do for love came out. It came out.

I don't even know. It came out like 25, 30 years ago. Yeah, it's like a silhouette. They wouldn't put him on an album cover. They went on purpose and they knew because it was a hit with black. It was an urban hit. And they were like, do not show it. I grew up thinking that guy was black.

Well, if you hear the song, I thought it was black. Also, he did. How does the song go? Sing it because I forget. What do you want to do for love? And he's like that. Oh yeah. It's an eternal jam.

That comes on. Everyone feels good. Absolutely. Great at the barbecues. Yeah. You know, it's a guy. It's a white guy. It's a white guy.

That's crazy. He looks like a real cracker too. He has a song. You should, you should check out the song, open your eyes. Common sampled it for that song, the light. Uh huh. There are times when you need some. That's him too.

That guy's white. That guy's white. No. That's Bobby also. That's Bobby Caldwell. He still, he does like standards and stuff. Yeah. But yeah.

Now Alan Thicke sounds. Yeah. He was kind of a modern day. What's that, blurred lines? Yeah. Alan Thicke is his dad. Oh. Robin Thicke.

Robin Thicke. Alan Thicke sounds whiter than anyone. Yeah. He is. Alan Thicke is whiter. I feel like he skipped generations. You know, like if you guys had like a redheaded kid, like, what?

How'd this happen? Like same thing. Right, right, right. Real soulful son. He's super soulful. Robin Thicke. Yeah. And Stanhope had that bit about, remember that,

the woman that went on like the, Britain's Got Talent and sang, you know, the song and it just, and killed it. And like, I was like, oh my God. And Stanhope was like, have you heard about the unattractive woman who couldn't sing? Has anyone heard of this, this wondrous creature? And it's like, oh my, and it hit me. I was like, oh, that's all that was.

Yes. She came out and she was this kind of dumpy, older lady. It turns out that she also had some mental issues. Yes. What? Yes. But it's like, why was that so surprising? You know what I mean?

Yeah. I like the unattractive person that sings the sad soulful song. Of course. Sure. You know, about being left or whatever. Who was that, the English woman, she had mental problems. That's who we're talking about. That's her.

No, what's her name? Is that her? I don't remember her name. She's English and she won like the American Idol. That's exactly. That's what I can say. Sorry. I thought it was different.

A different FGTRTD. Yeah. She looked like Bill Belichick. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Kara from New England and I got her that T-shirt that's like the many moods of Belichick.

Oh yeah. And it's like same face. Same face. It's static, furious, relaxed. Can I have a sip of your coffee, Gene? Sure. I've been drinking so much water that I need something to stop the hydration. Right.

Right. Right. Just so you know, babe. The voice. Could you imagine him? Because here's the thing with the lung infection, dude. The big Bill Belichick. Just so you know.

Right. Yeah. I know. He's like the one sports person I know. The eternal growing man. What is your name? Everyone's screaming it right now. Susan?

Susan? Yeah. Susan Boyle. Susan Boyle. There you go. Yeah. Thank you. But the thing with the lung infection man that we've deduced is that there's actually

some talent there. Like there's something there. Oh yeah. He's on key. He has really good rhythm. Yeah. You know. It's entertaining.

It's inspiring. There is something there. He is a leathery man and has about four teeth, evenly spaced apart. Yeah. But that is neat. And it's like he took out certain teeth. How did that work? How did that work?

It's like perfectly spaced. How did other ones stay? You know, like Spartan warriors while the rest of the soldiers died. Do you know what I realized? Like a jack-o'-lantern. It's perfect. Is that he is definitely, you're like, this guy needs more teeth. Yeah.

But you also realize you can get by with that many teeth, you know? And I never really thought about that until I saw him. Can you really though? Yeah. He does. But there's so many things he can't eat. You're not thinking about ribs. You can start.

You can start. Oh, you can pull that off a rib. Sure. No. I want on top. Yes. Yes. You can't eat spare.

Like pork ones are soft. Bobby Lee has no molars. Oh, that's true. He chooses steak in the front of his mouth. Oh. Isn't that weird? But you need the front teeth. Why doesn't Bobby get some molars?

He doesn't. He's been without them for so long. Oh, and he just used to not. Okay. So he chooses steak in the front. No good. Yeah. It's weird that he does something weird.

Right. You know, that's such a straight laced, normal dude. Such a square. Doesn't just take his pants off and anyone's presence. Right. Yeah. No, but you need the front teeth to chew up, like to take a bite of something. It's real important.

And then you need the backs. Yeah. The rest are superfluous. What if that guy has great molars and just. Oh, that's all you need. Sparkling ivory molars. He pulls it. He pulls.

He only brushes back there. Particularly. Flosses. He can get some whitening to it. Check this out. Yeah. I will say that guy has no problem flossing. None.

None. So easy. Easy. Gum score. He might have a nice gum score. Okay. Okay. I have a would you rather.

Okay. Would you rather pay? Now you're going to spend about $25. You're going to go to a club. $25. Okay. You're going to watch. You're going to sit and you're going to watch either the staying alive guy, the lung

infection guy. That was, that was, that was, that was. For an hour. Stay united. Yeah. Or the grief dancer. Oh, stay united. Stay united.

Yeah. I like to party. Yeah. You know what I mean? I don't, you know, I don't need to see. If I'm a little fucked up, I'm losing my mind with that guy. Absolutely. He's going to walk on stage and I'm going to turn to the bar and I'm go, everyone gets

a drink. It's a good time. You smoke or something a little. Like if I get a little hit and do a shot, I'd be like, stay united. I'd be like, do it again. Do it again. Do it again. He's got to close the stay united.

That's true. But it's on a loop, guys. Although we don't know if he does any others. Maybe he just does 25 minutes of stay united. It might be the same song over and over. That's, but that's the one. That's the hard part. Stay united.

Stay united. Stay united. Stay united. Stay united. Stay united. Stay united. Stay united. Stay united.

Stay united. Stay united. Stay united. This guy's making a good, you got him like a door deal or something. He's making some good money and it's going to be a lot of people just laughing at him. He probably just stole what a basketball jersey to- You know, just as you start to feel bad for him and you're like, man, this is fucked up, he'd be like, I could eat your girl's pussy too and you'd be like, alright, man.

Hey. You know what? Shut up. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Is that your lady? You're a pussy. You're like, hey.

That's crazy. I got you a door deal. Yeah. That's so true. I mean, work on this side of the business. He would say the most good. Oh. Oh.

Because these guys are wild cards. He's been out in the sun. He's been drinking his whole life. Yeah. You don't know what's going to come out. He would be that guy. Like sometimes you see those comics that idolized those comics that just like, I just say anything. You know?

Yeah. The political correctness is my enemy. And so those people that just say something absolutely bananas that's not funny. Yeah, right. Yeah. He would do it. Yeah. You know?

Yes. So I was eating this pussy. Yeah, yeah. I never laughed in class. And he's like, no, but I mean, you know, she was asleep. Like, oh. Like something terrible. Totally.

We're trapped here with him. Like she's your girlfriend. Nah, just some girl I found. Anyway, stay united, stay united, stay united. No one clapping. Yeah. He would ruin it so fast. I was told that this video, I haven't seen, we're supposed to watch it and decide who

is out of line. There's two people. Oh, okay. And I think they're in a Whole Foods. That's what I'm told. I haven't opened it yet. But let's see if we can agree or disagree that one of the two participants is out of line.

Okay? Okay. You really shouldn't be blocking the handicapped crossing here. Any of this, any of this blue, no one is supposed to be blocking it anytime. Thank you. I'll take that into consideration. Okay, so I think it's, she's one of the participants and the guy. So she's saying, it seems like a reasonable start.

She's like, hey, you shouldn't be blocking this. Yeah, sure. I don't know if this picks up. Can you please move out of the handicapped place? Okay. Can you please move out of the handicapped place? Okay. You're in the handicapped space.

Now, the thing is, they're only briefly, like they're just crossing over. I wish I had more visual and I don't mean to see her. I'm not like, is she handicapped? But like, I don't see where, so is the, is that true? Let's start. Okay. Do we know, is that right? Blue is handicapped?

Yes. It is. I didn't know that. I didn't know that either. I've been guilty of this. Okay. Okay. Okay.

So he's stand, but they're not like, it doesn't seem like they're really obstructing. No, she can, she can work around that. The middle is worn down, but that's still handicapped. You know what I mean? Right. This whole area, wait, so this whole thing is considered handicapped, right? If it's blue. If my understanding is correct, that blue is handicapped.

I think you're correct. Yeah. Okay. So she, look. She's got a lot of room there. She has a point. So she, she made her point and she said, like, you know, he's like, yeah, I'll take the consideration, which he definitely didn't mean.

He wasn't like, he was, he was, he was, he was pissed that there was no, there was no excuse me. Right. Which I get it. I mean, that's a natural in the, if we're having a conversation, someone's like, you really like, okay. Yeah. Yeah.

Do you, do you know how to, how to interrupt? Right. Even a necessary interruption. So wait, let's, I think it's about to get, oh, I think it's going to pick up the pace here. Okay. Okay. People are not supposed to force you to get out of this by law.

You're not supposed to be here. Take it up with management. Okay. How about if I call the police? Okay. Oh, he says you're insane. Okay. She said, how about I call the police?

I feel like he's getting too butt hurt by her. And in fairness, she does have a, what sounds like a very grating voice. Yeah. You know what I mean? She's normal. Some of us do. Hey. And she's also a little too on top of it.

Right? Like. She's looking for a fight. I mean, like he's not, it's not like she's like, I'm trying to get into this space and you're blocking it. And my, my suspicious mind is like, who turns on a recording device and then walks up. Oh. Do you know what I mean?

Good point. Good point. I don't know. That's just me being suspicious. That's like, oh, I, I try. Just maybe. She's looking for a fight. Yeah.

Someone's like, excuse me. Yeah. They're waiting for. A little bit. Yeah. The scene to build. Yeah. And it's what the, what the things I'm suspicious of is when a recording starts before.

Usually if someone's like, and it just, it starts and a cop's yelling at this person. And you're like, okay. Yeah. Yeah. This person probably did escalate. Not the person recording, but they're like, I'm going to record this. Yeah. She's what's known as a shit mixer.

Yeah. No, I saw, I saw one too where a guy, a guy walked up to cops that were like on a scene somewhere and he walks up and they're like, can you stand back and say, I don't have to do shit. Oh. Fuck you. And they're like looking at each other. Yeah.

And then of course they see the camera. It just doesn't. They're like, he's just trying to. And it's like, I'm, I'm as angry at certain cops as anyone is right now, but it's just like that. What the fuck does that solve? Just on random cops? Yeah.

Do they just come up and you're trying to get like them to do something crazy to you? Yeah. I don't know. That's stupid. No, this bride's looking for trouble. She is. Oh really? Yeah.

Oh really? You're insane. I'm not here doing my job. No, but you're doing it illegally. It's not illegal. And I'm surprised that you shop here. Oh. Okay.

You hear the New England accent? Yeah. I'm surprised you shop here. Yeah. She's upset about something else. And then she started to go in. I wish this picked up more where she's talking to management. I think she's going to go walk up and close up just stab each of those melons with a knife.

I wish. Yeah. That's a. You're insane. You're insane. Yeah. I'm surprised you shop here. Yeah.

Which is by the way, the appropriate response to people like this. I think you should just have license to tell people they're crazy now. Yeah. Well, I do feel like that guy could have handled it better and been like, you know, but it's, it's, you know, I can't. It's always. How would you, you'd be so annoyed. Totally.

No, no, no. I'm not. I'm really not judging him because I don't know how it would have been that situation. I'm sure it would have been so pissed, you know, but, you know, if this person is driving that thing with a straw and I'm not, I'm just going to be like, uh, okay. You know, like, we'll get out of the way. Yeah. Whatever.

You know, depending. She's like, she's being mommy to, you know what I mean? Right. Too many people that you need to be like. And also the approach. It's always about the, if she could be, if she said, excuse me, I don't know if you know this, but you're staying. Yeah.

I don't know if you know that. I didn't know that. I didn't know that. I'm in my forties. I never knew blue was handicapped. Yeah. Not that I would be like, Hey, get out of here. Wheelchair guy.

You know. But I didn't know. Excuse me. I'm like, the fuck out of here. So, so. God. Nothing makes me laugh harder than just someone being that immediately crazy. Yeah.

Yeah. I know that's what I'm hoping for with every video I open. Just not hold back. Yeah. That insane guy. Yeah. I remember when I was a kid. It was at the time it was horrifying, but I look back and I laughed so hard that like

me and a buddy, we couldn't have been more than eight or nine. It walked. We're in the park and there's a water fountain and there's hardly any water coming out of it. Maybe four seconds passed by. We're like, I don't know. This guy behind is like, is like, what holding a baby, a grown man, you girls going to drink or not?

Both two boys. We're both two little boys. It's not coming out very well, like stuttering. Yeah. Like just shocked. He's like, well, then suck it. And we're like, we just walked away. Of course.

Who's that insane to a young boy? Was it an ugly bagel face? No. No. I don't think, I think Eglise, last day, last I heard it, Eglise went to MIT. I went to the, so he's a smart guy. I went into the deep cuts for that one. That's a deep cut.

Yeah. Deep cut. Deep Bronner cut. Yeah. Yeah. But it's a prank a guy named Eglise Bagelface. Well, we found the silliest name in the phone book and called him like a thousand times. Yeah.

Very childish. That's very great. How dare you. By the way, we were playing how obnoxious it is earlier when people have conversations on speakerphone in public for everyone. It's not the worst. Or people that watch videos in the airport. Oh my God.

Get your life. I've had two guys that I've said, hey man, do you have headphones? Can you use them? And they're like, I don't have them. And I'm like, okay, I don't need to hear that thing. You turn it down. You said that to them? Yeah.

And they look at me like I'm crazy. Yeah. It's bold. What? I can't watch my television in public. They look, they literally feel that way. This was, I recorded this. This is my recorder.

That's me. And this is the guy on Bank of America's hold on speakerphone at Starbucks. Wow. Do I want to hear about Bank of America's offers? Oh. And he's on hold. So he's just playing it. Wow.

That's so rude. Yeah. I mean. So crazy. That's brutal. That's so brutal. And he's just leaving it there. Eating his things.

Everyone's hanging. He's drinking his coffee. Like, hey, fuckhead. Yeah. But I was telling her like this guy's a complete fucking oblivious. It doesn't give a shit. No. If you were like, why are you doing that?

He'd be like, because I'm on hold. What am I supposed to do? Yeah. Yeah. Eating. I don't have a choice. I got to hold it to my head. I'm not going to do that.

Off of speakerphone? No. Wait. So you've walked up to people and you've been like, do you have headphones? No. I just look like we're all sitting in the same, you know, gate waiting for the flight. Yeah. And I'm like, hey man, do you have headphones?

Can you put those on? I would just say, do you have headphones? Can you put those on? In the same sense. Yep. So they don't say, and they're like, I don't have them. And that's the same thing. They're like, really, there's nothing I can do.

Yeah. Yeah, you can. You're forced to listen. And I'm like, can you turn the sound off? And they're like, what? They can't believe it. Of course. Because it's like, listen, nobody likes confrontation and I'm not.

No, no. I hate it. I hate it so much. If someone's, I've maybe shushed people two times in the movie theater. Maybe. Yeah. Maybe. So I have the, found out the best neighbors on our cul-de-sac.

Yeah. The craziest on the other side of the fence. Right. But beneath, they have like a pool. Yeah. And they were up 1030, Kara's sick, trying to go to bed. They're blaring 80s music and singing along to it. And I'm just like, I just go out in the backyard.

And I'm like, hey guys, past 10, can you turn it down? Fuck you. Like what? Right away. Right away. Like buy another fucking house. And it's, but like to each other, not to me, just being like, oh fuck meh. Is this your new place, your current place?

New place. And they're, they're, they're rarely around, but they already, they have a neighborhood rep, as these, as these, and it's, and it's. Are they super young? No. No. They, they have two kids. Did they turn it down?

Yeah. They turned it down. And they were like, welcome to fucking neighborhood. And I just said, thank you. And went inside. It's like, I'm not playing your game. I'm not going to be the other. You're going to, you're, you're fated.

You're not just drunk. You're on something else. Yeah. Yeah. They probably were doing lines or something, but it's like. Kids. Yeah. Jesus.

I mean, I feel like I kind of live in the neighborhood with parents that do Coke. Yeah. You know what I mean? That still want. The party. The party parents. A little bit. I think maybe Silver Lake more than Los Feliz, but like it's, there's still that element

and like, uh, yeah. So it's, it is. Well, because they're in your neighborhood, you have parents that still want to be cool. Yes. Like Tom and I have surrendered to this game. Listen, we're fucking suburban losers. And you're still cool though. We're not cool.

Now we go to the mall. Only confrontation that I've had with the loud thing. Cause I didn't say shit to this psycho, but at the airport gate. Yeah. I saw somebody with a laptop on their lap open. Yes. Face time calling. No.

With that. So they were like, yeah to Brazil. I know. And then you hear the person and I just walked in front. I go, how's it going? Like that. Nice. And the guy was like, like, looked at me like the fuck.

Oh, you're my hero. How's it going? And he just was like, anyway, so we're going to get on the flight. So he just, he, I just was like, made it myself be known to him. Cause I was like, you know, You should take a shirt off first. Everybody there. I mean, everybody at the gate was looking at this guy like, you're crazy.

You're a crazy guy. Yeah. Somebody emailed in loud. Cause we, we've been talking about it. Like to nominate not someone for the talking openly on the phone in public hall of fame while waiting in line at right at a woman answers her phone, puts it on speaker phone, then hands it to her five year old daughter who is now walking around the store holding the phone while the mom yells across the store to talk to the person on the phone.

It was in fucking saying, uh, that's for the talking public champ. Yeah. That's, that's, that is totally crazy. We got a good one. We were just in Provincetown, uh, you know, the way the top of the, of the, uh, the cape in New England and it's, it's the gayest town you ever been to, which means the funnest town and is like this great little like beach town. We'd never been, we just wanted to go.

We were already on the East coast. We're like, oh, let's take a couple of days and go. And the guy who picked us up to get us the airport, like the Lyft driver picks us up real thick West Indian, you know, Jamaican accent. Uh, and he's put, and he's like the phones ring in and he's like, he's like, oh, who's, who's this? He turns up then, uh, Jacob. Oh, jid, uh, are you, are, where are you?

You're supposed to be here. No, you said, uh, it, I did not say 30. I did not say 30. And he's like, jid, jid, jid, listen to me, jid. And she keeps screaming. She's screaming at him. His employer. And he's like, had to go to the hospital and, uh, jid, jid, stop yelling.

I have people in the car. Are you going to the hospital or are you doing, are you doing Lyft right now? Are you doing Lyft? And we're just like, oh my God. I was like the most brutal over here and it went on way too long. And he finally like shut it down. But it's like, that would be my nominee. Yeah.

The worst. That's a horrible. Yeah. Like you don't know your boss's number and you just answer it while people are in the car. Yeah. How do you know your boss's number? Yeah.

Oh, just, I got, uh, by the way, probably a thousand messages and tweets because Russia has appointed Steven Seagal. Yes. I saw your Instagram post. Yeah. Special representative of humanitarian relations. Sure. And I'm breaking.

He is. I don't know if you know this. This is, you talk about people talking about themselves. Oh yeah. This is him. An interview. I mean, I am the king of improv. I feel forgiven by saying so.

Did that make sense? I would believe he's a king of improv. Steven Seagal. He probably, he probably, yes. Yes. Yes. And you so hard. Do you know what that actually means?

Because I watched more of an interview. I don't go off script. The other actors do. And what I do is I'll just change it in the moment. So like, while you learn the lines of the script for the movie. Oh yeah. He will just throw stuff out there. And you have to figure out, he doesn't do improv like comedy improv.

He does, I'm just going to say the lines I want to say. Yep. And screw up the other actors. I'm lazy. Yeah. Yeah. Like here's the lines of the script. Well, here's what I'm going to say.

Yeah. And they're like, okay. I mean, this is a guy who, like God is career start by being like, he was like a studio sex karate trainer. That's right. And the exact would take him into meetings and let's, let's, let's spar. Yeah. We should put this guy in a movie.

Is that right? Yeah. That's a story. And this was the 80s when it was all cocaine and misogyny. Yeah. You know, and so like, you know, he came out of that era and probably just never changed. Yeah. Yeah.

It was just like, no, you come in my trailer. I want to blow job. Is there any more? Where are you going? Is there any more like absurd? I dropped off your lunch order, Mr. Segal. That's all I'm doing. I know, right?

It's like, but could it be, but could it be any crazier than they seriously appointed Steven Segal? Yeah. Like a special representative that now someone on the US side is going to have to go. Yeah. All right. I'm going to talk to Segal today about how we can better. It's in the, we're in the upside down.

Donald Trump is president. Steven Segal is this fucking thing. Yeah. Putin and we're best friends now with him. All this is absurdity. Yeah. The world is done. We're all going to die.

It's all over. Here's one more. It's over. One more email. First, I wanted to thank you guys for the weekly free funny. Secondly, I would like to bring some awareness of how main mommy buns and his psychopathy. Hey, has been buying, but then official to me. I used to love watching people hurt themselves just like Tom, but ever since I lost a leg,

God damn it. Oh, shit. Back and seeing some pretty horrific stuff. I couldn't sit through it anymore. Yeah. It has been over a decade of darkness for me and something has been missing. But ever since I started listening to the podcast, things have changed. Listening to the audio of people getting hurt, desensitize me.

And now I'm now joined watching my favorite content again. Thanks to Tommy for making life worthwhile, keeping them high and tight. Piss on me and beat me. Try it out. Sal Gonzalez, P.S. My wife is expecting our first baby. Hey. This month, Tina is in the delivery room.

Okay. Great. Good luck to mommy and Tina. Well, you know, I thought it was going a different way. But you guys don't play like audio of like serious horrible injuries. Yes, we do. Yes, we do. Yes, we do.

And Tom laughs and laughs and laughs like a psychopath. No, he does. It's totally, totally crazy. It's not good at all. I don't laugh and I have feelings for people. It's nuts, but that is actually, that's really, that's a really nice message. But it helps this guy. So that's good.

I'm glad it helped him out. Yeah. I'm not going to ask. Can I tell you something? My husband, he's so stoic all day around the house. Like we have this newborn. We have these two guys for so ever. Life is pretty happy.

The only time I ever see him really joyful is when he's watching a serial killer show on Netflix or laughing at people getting hurt. It's so funny. It's true joy. Yeah. Look, that's nonsense. It's not. I want to plug Matt's podcast again.

The advice from a dipshit. Advice from a dipshit with Matt Brown. Thanks, buddy. Make sure you check it out. He gave the number out earlier. Make sure you call it. No message. Get advice from a real funny.

That must be really funny. It's a blast. Yeah. I'm going to have you on. I'm going to have Tom on. Yeah. Yeah. We'd love to do it.

And all you for first got tongue. First good tongue or our TV replaces the dick. Oh, first good time replaces the dick. That's it. First good tongue replaces the dicks out there. Make sure you call as well. A reminder. The bike socks are at the store.

I added a show in Montclair, New Jersey. It's on sale this Friday at the Wellmont. Go to Tom screw.com. Christina's adding a show at the Gramercy in New York City. I did. I shot a shovel fighter there. Amazing. Amazing.

Amazing theater. I can't wait to see it. I've never seen it. Here's our closing song. It's called Barely Staying Alive. Can't wait to hear it by Billy and Drew. Anything else, Matt, before we go? Nope.

That was, it's been a joy being on you guys. You're such a great guest. Thanks for coming again. You are. Come back again. It'll be a new location. It has to be. If we have you back.

Yeah, I know. Well, listen, I just, I feel like I help you move on up. Yeah. You know, in the parlance of the Jefferson. Sure. Every time I come back, you're like, wait, what? We just got a million more listeners. So we got to move into this podcast.

We got to move into a new place. Always good to see you, buddy. Thank you for coming. You too. Thanks, bud. Staying alive. Staying alive. Staying alive.

Staying alive. Staying alive. Staying alive. Come on. Come on. Staying alive. Come on. Staying alive.

Come on. Come on. Come on. Staying alive. Come on. Come on. Come on. Again.

Staying alive. Staying alive. Staying alive. Staying alive. Staying alive. Staying alive. Staying alive. Come on.

Staying alive. Staying alive. Come on. Staying alive.