Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 465-Doug Mellard-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: September 12, 2018

Jada Pinkett Smith's body is just like Antartica and Iraq and Cleveland - it's really something! Is Christina loyal? Seems like she might be the type to turn Tommy in just for a simple murder charge. The great and hilarious Doug Mellard joins us in studio. His new album, Fart Safari 2: Fart Harder is not only the greatest title ever, it's also hilarious.  We discuss Doug's awful tattoos, the first time Tom met him (after being attacked), emails from listeners and much more. Pull em up!

You wanna see the biggest badmouther ever? Yeah. Holy smokes. Just glass. Just, just, just this big huge metal, big, long, tall metal, just, just, just, just glass. Let's glass, let's glass, let's glass, holy smokes, just, just, just, just, cool stuff, slick stuff, neat stuff.

Just, just, just glass, badmite, badmite, badmite, badmite, holy smokes, I got a badmite, cool stuff, slick stuff, neat stuff, badmite. Light blue denim, practically white denim, high up, brown braided belt, and then sandals with socks. Big bite, I got a badmite, I got a badmite, badmite. Wow. Damn. That's a dad boner blasting in your face.

I don't have the name of the artist, unfortunately, but I really dig that song. And always important to close on a good fart. Yeah, close it. Our song you sent in, of course, with a, with a big long fart. She's Christine. I'm Todd. This is your mom's house podcast. Thanks for joining us.

Christine and Todd in the morning, come back to us. We just had to restart our program here. We did. We were recording in gobbledygook. Yeah. Sound Studio does that, records you in robot voices. Sometimes. So scary, huh?

Are you scared? I get scared when I hear it. I really don't like when that happens. Thanks everyone in Shark Lake titties who came out and saw me, even though I had to reschedule because of my movie star lifestyle. Oh my God. This shows we're supposed to have in five months ago, shooting scenes, had to delay it. Um, anyways, I really, that place is great.

Girl boy boy girl. I love Shark Lake titties. The scenes were great. Um, the, I shot scenes while I was there, I picked up a few scenes. Now the wait staff is great at wise guys. They really are. The service I think is great. It's a great club.

Overall, I would definitely, I'm going to go back there for sure. Yeah. Keith does a good job. Um, it's, it's really nice place, nice people. Very nice. Nice. Nice. And they have a, um, what's it called a rebellious, uh, strand in the DNA of the city.

I know. I like that. Yeah. Cause there's the Mormon team. There's team Mormon and then there's like team everyone else and there's team neck tattoos. Yeah. They do go and they drink a lot of Diet Coke. That's a post.

Oh yeah. Um, check it out for the upcoming shows. Uh, I have 20 tickets left in Eugene, Oregon, your jeans, your jeans and your jeans, Oregon. That's it. Uh, 20 tickets left. Boys seed Idaho is all sold out, uh, October 6th, Sacramento, Ball Sacramento, California. The early show is sold out. The late show is well on its way.

Um, do you want to know what shows are not sold out? Hmm. Fresno. Uh, what's going on? You guys want to come or? Yeah. What are you doing out there? That's October 26th.

Uh, the next day I'm in Bakersfield. That show is close. What about Cockersfield? That works. I'm not against it. Um, Fartmeyers, Florida, November 1st, Jack, we all feel Florida only has a hundred tickets left. That's November 2nd.

Both Orlando shows are sold out. Get your, I like Horley. No. Are you going to go to Epcot? Uh, probably. And then, uh, come Gusta, Georgia, the next day is pretty close. There are only tickets left for the, uh, November for the Wednesday show in Montclair at the Wellmont and the late show, New Jersey, the late show on November 17th and filler up Delphia

has a few tickets. Everything else is sold out. So it's, uh, very exciting. I, um, I thank you. I love you. Um, TomSquare.com slash tour for those tickets. Come see the light jacket, joke God live light jacket. Where did you get that from?

Is that a rapper thing? No, I just, people always see me in bomber jackets and stuff. You know, they're always like a light sensible jacket. I like jacket. Yeah. I always wear light jackets. I like that one. Yeah.

Uh, come see me 11 24. That's, that's code for November 24th. That is a very hard code to break down. I don't even know how you solve that. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh, at the house of Bruce in San Diego, Man Diego, California, excuse me, what I mispronounce it.

It's a hard L. That's how you pronounce that. Go ahead. Um, then 12, seven, that's December 7th and filler up Delphia that one's almost sold out. And then the eighth I've added a show at the Gramercy Theater in Jewdork titties, the 1030 show. Now this is, guys, this is way out in December. I know you're thinking, I know you're thinking, so far.

No, get your fucking tickets now, girls and boys, because this shit's selling out. And I will be announcing 2019 dates very shortly we're putting together a tour. But as you know, it's hard for us to tour between the jeans and I, his schedule, my schedule, I got two little ones that I give a shit about. You know what I'm saying? I gotta stay here a lot. Sure. Select cities, select dates.

I'm in, I'm out. It's very quick. So I can get back to my family. We have a very limited, you know, amount we can actually leave. Of course. So if you want to see us, I mean, don't, don't sit on your hands and fart because you can fart on your hands, not, but not so much or otherwise you're going to miss the jeans train.

Okay. Are you ready to open this show? Heck yeah. Let's have some fun. We got great guests coming. We have a lot of things to talk about. I like our way. We're going to talk about how disappointed I am in you for not being a ride or die wife.

Let's get going. Here we go. Guys, let's get into the show. I had an interesting realization. My internal emotional life reflects terrain on the planet, how the planet has a Sahara desert and I have a Sahara desert within me, that place where my fear and isolation resides. This shit is big time. Who is Randy?

Don't bring anyone loving to this. Don't burn me in the fucking stands. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura and Christina Pajitsa. Welcome to your mom's house. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura. Look, I'm not saying Jada Pinkismith is crazy or anything, but I think that guy's got it a little more together.

Can I tell you how I actually feel very honored that you chose this as the opening clip. As you know, I love Instagram. I'm fascinated. I think it's a reflection of, you know, it's what you want people to know about you. It's an interesting psychological experiment. I want you to keep saying this, because once you hear this assessment, which I think you're dead on about, it'll make you look at Instagram differently, which is that with Instagram, it's your choice of how to visually present who you are.

Well, it's what you think you are. It's what you want other people to know about you. Like for mine, you know, I like to do my shows. Me too. I like to give a fuck about this podcast and, you know, silly things. But for instance, I know this guy, this gay couple, they're very reserved in real life. Like what on Instagram? It's digs out practically.

They're the two of them in each other's laps and like it's all overtly sexual. And I'm like, you guys are not these people in real life. That is a peek into the psyche. That's right. That's what they want to be perceived. They want to be perceived as a projecting. Yes. I am a sexually violent.

Yes. Cock monster. Come fuck me. And it's so fascinating. So I love Doug Tape. I stumbled upon Jada Pinkett Smith, who we've had on the show in clip form years ago, years ago. And she's got this news. Yeah, yeah, she's so fucking crazy.

So she's got a new show now where she talks about her feelings a lot. Yeah. And her Instagram has been fascinating. Yeah. I mean, it's a lot of overshare. And there was a time also we should point out that we we played some of the I guess it was more his written stuff for her kid. Jaden.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's his Jaden Smith. And sometimes it felt weird. I don't know. It felt weird because you're like, oh, he's a minor, right? But he was also it's weird because he's a minor, but he's a huge celebrity. He's like 16. Yeah.

And but he was he was he was writing. Hilarious and or terrifying things. Yeah, you know, just things like, you know, how do we mirrors don't have eyes? Or, you know, just all kinds of shit on Twitter. Yeah, he was like, you know, if you really listen to the trees, they'll tell you there's a full story, just bonkers stuff. And, you know, you didn't know whether is he is he winking at you? Is he joking?

Is he playing indoors? He's serious because I always felt like he was serious. Right. So we were like, what the fuck is going on? But then you're like, oh, it's it's a teenage kid. And, you know, it must be weird to be that famous at that age. But then, you know, and then it's kind of like he kind of fell out of the fight guys.

They kind of did, you know, I don't know. But but then upon further examination, I think you're what you're saying is watching mommy and a lot of things you go crazy. Apple doesn't fall far from the mentally ill tree because you should look at like, I mean, I don't know if I can I love this shit. I love when people do this on social media. This is why this is what I live for on Instagram. Do you know what I'm saying?

It's I like the attractive pictures of people. I actually like pictures of people back and when he was getting. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Could you read that for the audience? Well, this one's not so bad. I mean, no, I think you shouldn't share this on. So come on, let me read it for you. If I had a nickel for every time that I've cried in the back of an Uber,

I would have another pair of Yeezy. But that's just funny. That's fun. That's not really like, I think that one is funny. I think he's saying I'm emotional. Yeah, but I'm, but he made it pretty funny. Like saying I would have so many, I would, you know, would have another car. I mean, I mean, I would have another pair of these expensive shoes.

I mean, yeah, he's saying I'm emotional, but that's not the level where I'm saying where it was like, like this is one here. Right. You know, this was one where I was like, like, how can mirrors? Oh, sorry, Rita. How can mirrors be real if our eyes aren't real? Right. And you go like, wait, what? That's some philosophy right there.

The moment when you're wearing a dress with no pants and you swear, wait, I mean, that's, I guess kind of silly. He, um, I built pyramids constantly. That was from nine, nine, 14. That's code for September 19th, 2014. If I was Moises, where would I be? Yeah. I don't know. Oh my God. Ever, right? You know, it's, um, it was just odd, right? It's just odd to see a kid, um, you know, tweeting this stuff. It just seemed like it made, it made it, it made it seem like he was unstable.

You know, right? That that's, that was the kind of the perception. And maybe that was the wrong. This is the best way. If newborn babies could speak, they would be the most intelligent beings on planet earth. No, they wouldn't. No, they wouldn't. I'm around one pretty often. Yeah. All they talk about is burping, farting, shitting, eating, sleeping. That's all you know. Anyways. Yeah. So he gave the impression that he was like, kind of, you know,

full of himself and kooky. Yeah. Anyway. Well, well, no, hold on. But the, okay. So let's go, let's go deeper down this rabbit hole. So one wonders, well, why does that kid feel like they should be oversharing? And well, because I remember hearing Jada one time on interview, she goes, you know, there is so much talent in our house that we cannot hold it back. Our children are so talented. And I was like, wow.

And I'm talking, this is when Jaden and Willow were like 12, 11, 10 years old. And I, hey, listen, every parent thinks their child is a genius and is amazing. And they should. That's just kind of sweet. But like, you don't really share that sentiment. Unlike a talk show and, you know what I mean? It's, it's a lot. It's a lot of pressure for the kid. Yeah, it is a lot of pressure for the kid. Probably the worst part about it. You're a genius. Yeah.

And you've got to be a performer. Hey, thank God. Just thank God our parents never raised our egos to genius. Huh? I had an interesting realization that my internal emotional life reflects terrain on the planet, how the planet has a Sahara desert. Desert within me, that place where my fear and isolation resides. She looks great though.

But she looks fantastic. Flawless planet has an Antarctica. I have an Antarctica within me where I have hurts that run so deep that my compassion and my understanding and my love is frozen over. I mean, OK, if it's Toledo inside of you. Full of mini malls and movie theaters. I understand what she's trying to say here. Sure, I do too.

I mean, you know, but it's, it's nonsense. Well, it's here. Hold on. It's not that. But I don't think you should share this on. I just think that this, this is reserved for you and someone else smoking a doobie. No, your therapist. You and your friend. Yeah.

Your therapist, you can go like, I have an Antarctica inside of me. And your therapist is like, that's a very interesting way of presenting that. Correct. Yeah. Yeah. It's private. And then your therapist will be like, of course, you know, you really don't actually have an Antarctica inside of you. And then I have those Hawaii's within me that are lush and green

and full of waterfalls where I can be more sensual and receptive and giving. She's got a lot to be around. Could you imagine being married to that, to this? Yeah. Yeah. It would be, it would be, I bet, I bet there's a lot of interactions like this. This isn't the first time she said this speech. No.

This is like, well, right now Antarctica is feeling especially cold. And he's like, all right, he's like, I know I got to get on. I'd like to get on an excursion boat and see what's going on there. And she's like, well, you better, because it's about to be the whole house about to be Antarctica. If you don't come over here and defrost this motherfucker. And she's like, OK. And then also you imagine how, you know, he's such a superstar.

Yeah. And it's it's got to be an issue all the time. He's got no time for this nonsense. No, I know. But I'm saying that that is an issue. You know, she's going to be like, oh, we know Mr. Stars here. OK. There's a lot. I think there's I think there's a lot of there's other

stars in this house. Just so you know, you think. Oh, you think they have like a star rivalry? I think he's probably not pushing back on it because he knows his place in the world, that he's an international is tremendous. Yeah. And I think it probably I think it annoys her. That's my. Well, you think she she needs the limelight to. I think she said there's a lot of lights that needs to shine.

And we all feel how big your lights shine and I need to shine, too. Wow. I think he's probably like, all right. He's like, oh, fuck. All right. Is your is your internal Tahiti ready to shine? And she's like, yes, exactly. Well, exactly. Tahiti's ready to go. All right. Here's what I picture. I can't have these kinds of conversations with Will.

He's just not as deep as I am. Oh, for sure. Now, my trainer, Julio, loves to talk about these things. I bet Julio does. That's what I'm saying. Like, I think, especially when we stretch. Yeah. Some reason the emotions tied to stretching really helped me and Julio connect. Right. Like she's got all kinds of dudes in her pocket that she talks this nonsense with that, like, you know,

she thinks that they're her friends. She's got she's got a group of nut bags that she talks about. That there's no way Will Smith's listening. That's what she knows. Because of the thing that we do such this thing with celebrities where we go like, yeah, I guess so, you know, you kind of. But like, if you're a regular neighbor friend, the lady that you go on, I don't know, walks around the neighborhood with or you meet for coffee,

start saying this, you'd be like, you really need to get some help. Like he's tolerated only because they're famous. That is so fucking true, Tommy. Like that's the observation of the century on this. Yeah. Is that if she were Cathy next door, you'd be like, Cathy's off her fucking rocker. Somebody called a pet team. Get this. Cathy's husband committed.

What's your fucking wife's time to be today? She said that Antarctica was in. And he'd be like, oh, shit. She's been going through a lot of stuff to be fucking committed. Yeah, that's so true. And the reason and in the reason I'm like kind of considering like listening to her is because she's famous. She's famous. She's pretty. She's beautiful.

Yeah. And you're like, OK, all right. I'm trying to follow. She's got to be, you know, she's got to have insight. Right. Because the thing is, I actually really like her. And that's why I follow her on Instagram because I'm very curious. Like, what, what is she about? You know, there is this thing that you I think you pick up on too, especially like also, you know, having when I did a movie,

you realize that you're like, there's there's the person you do the scene with. Right. Boy, girl, girl, boy, girl, girl scene. But I'm saying that that when the camera's rolling, they're able to do this thing. And that is only one aspect of that person. Right. Oh, right. We always try to like go like this. You go like, this person's amazing. Well, they're amazing at that. Sure. But that doesn't mean that everything else they do is valid or of value.

You know, yeah, because she could be. Yes. She could be an amazing actress, which is a skill and it should be admired and celebrated. All right. Or Bert Reynolds, let's say, he was pretty entertaining in some films. Turns out he's beating the shit out of Lonnie Anderson. He was a real asshole in real life. You don't know what the fuck that guy was like, right? Yeah. So case in point, it doesn't mean that if they can play smart on TV, that they're smart in real life.

Of course. Of course. We just give her a lot more leeway on this stuff because she's pretty. But man, if you guys want to get some prime entertainment, you want to look inside that the window of Jada Pinkett Smith, Psyche, go to her Instagram page. I mean, she is really deep. This chick's got a lot of fucking thoughts on stuff, man. It's pretty interesting.

Yeah. I mean, it's by the way, I wasn't saying that thing to like talk shit about somebody in the movie. I'm just making the point that like you realize there's a separation. There's camera rolling and then the person and then the person. Sure. Well, sure. I mean, I think that can be said for everybody who's live. You go to work and you're a different person and come home and you know, we see it big time in our line of work, especially in comedians or Jekyll and Hyde. Man, it's it's who you see on stage.

Some people, it's really dramatic. I know. I know. It's terrifying with some people. And I mean, over the years, we've been doing this 16 years now. You know, I've seen people on stage or you're like, wow, that's really something. It really seems like a really fun, funny person. Yeah. And you go backstage and you hang out with that person. You're like, holy shit.

Darkness. Darkness can be odd, like shit like this. Yeah. For sure. Shit like this. A lot of that. There's a lot of. I can name. I can name about a handful right now that are this. Yeah. There's weird. There's mentally ill. A lot of mental illness that goes on a dress drawn. Yeah. Very quiet, introverted, but like to the point where it's

it's almost turning you to curiosity about what it's not just all these quiet, you know, like it's too much. Well, I would say you and I are actually introverts. Definitely. In real life. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then there's, you know, there's drunk fat people. There's all kinds. Deeply racist. Deeply racist people.

You don't know it on stage and then you hang out and you're like, why did I know you're this fat and racist? Right. It's just that you just don't know. I'm saying it's just it's just yeah. And of course, there's there's the really extreme fucked up cases too, where they're like, don't say I know, I know. Don't say naughty words. I'm going to rape you.

Yeah. Yeah. That was the wackiest one of them all. No, I think so. Let's see what else on there's one more here. Oh, what you got? Of course, we want to be more of those things, but we also have to embrace our internal and articles and Sahara Deserts and we can't see them as wrong. Just like we don't see the Sahara Desert as wrong on the planet.

It is just what is and we can love ourselves in those places. I love you, Jado. Now, see, I actually I understand what you're saying. Yeah, I understand what she's saying. No, yeah, I get it and I get it on an emotional. I just I get it too. I mean, I get embarrassed. There's nothing wrong with the

like you said, like with the desert or that part of you. Right. It makes sense. I mean, it's fine. I just imagine like like we were saying, like the personal relationship between the husband and wife, like you having to hear the shit fucking 24 seven. I'd be like, God damn it. There she goes again with this nonsense talk.

Go see a therapist, go see five, right? Absolutely. All right. Yeah, my boobs are not the same on both sides. No, I know. I can tell by going. Yeah, I can tell. Well, that's the Asian guy. No.

That's the parachuter. No, that's the Brazilian guy. That's the Brazilian that was electrocuted. Remember everybody laughed. Got an email about it. OK, you want to see? Sure. The guy being electrocuted by grapes is a classic Brazilian meme.

Glad you guys are delving into this because Brazil has host to hundreds of thousands of hours of absurdist content. Cool. The video was super big here when YouTube started. The dude electrocuted as a conservative TV host from South Brazil. His name is Lazier Martins. Not only did he not die from the grapes, he somehow became a senator later on because this is Brazil.

After I write, helps, it helps. Obrigado. Obrigado. To the bone to the bang. I love Brazil, Brazil, Brazil. I still listen to my Brazilian jams. Yeah. Sergio Mendez. Before I forget, I want to talk about how highly disappointed I am in you

and thinking about moving on. So the other day we're in bed last night, not the other day last night. We're watching Ozark, which I love. So good the season. So good. Mr. Bateman and cast. Oh, Charles Wilkes reached out to me on Twitter. That's a maze about the beautiful boat that he drove.

I tweeted that out and he found me and told me it's a hacker craft 600 grand. I was like, I'm going to get two. I didn't realize it's so cheap. Kids don't need college. Anyways, we're talking about that whole family kind of has to watch out for each other, have each other's back. And you told me and you in no uncertain terms that you would report me. Yeah. To the authorities.

Yeah. If I were to murder someone and it was premeditated. Yeah. I was so stunned by this declaration. I just realized I thought I'd had a ride or die. Yeah. And I thought I was with my wife for life. Yeah. And now I am actively searching for number two because the fact that you would

even hypothetically turn me in, it really changed my whole course. I'm going to turn you in. Here's the distinction. That's very important. Now, would I turn in for a involuntary manslaughter? No, or even a lesser charge, but lying in wait, first degree murder. You're a fucking nutbag and I got to turn you in. Why?

Because you're going to fucking kill me and the kids next. I got to protect our children, Tom. I'm not doing that. I don't understand why you tie the two together because you're going to get a taste for it. That's what happens. And I know this for killing. No, you're already developing the thirst.

You're watching all these shows, getting your skills together. And then you're going to kill somebody. Skills together. Yeah. I'm murdering somebody who did something wrong. I'm not just. I'll see. Now you're already you're contemplating a mark.

You're already thinking who you're going to kill. Yeah, but I'm saying it's not for no reason. It's not just bloodlust. Well, what's the reason, Tom? The reason is that somebody slided me and now I'm going to kill him. See, and you think I should defend this? Of course, you're my wife. What do you not get about?

Babe, no, because what's going to happen is one day I'm going to slight you and then you're going to murder me. You're going to kill our children and our dogs. You're going to be alone and you're going to have no support system. Great. I'd rather be alone. Have you put behind bars? Why?

Babe, I cannot support. I told you, if you hit somebody with the car, guess what? I'm the first one to be out there and hiding the body with you. You know that, right? That's the kind of love I have for you. Yeah, it's supposed to extend beyond that. You hit a bicyclist or something that they're dead on the road.

I'm going to come out there with you. I'm going to find somewhere to bury this guy. Yeah. We're going to find somewhere to burn his body. No, what we've learned is that you have to dig a hole. Yeah. You have to get hydrochloric acid something or it on the body and then cover it up.

But I still don't understand why you don't have my back. Why don't you have my back? I just told you, if it's if it's manslaughter and voluntary manslaughter, not first degree, I can't, I can't, I can't support you in first degree. Why can't you support me? Lying in a way. You fucks me over and I'm like, all right, it's time for payback. Why can't you?

It's so disappointing that you don't hypothetically have my back. I'm serious. Like I've never been serious. I'm so disappointed. Okay. What's considered a slight in your world? Let's talk about that because maybe maybe I can get on board if it's a legit.

I'm just, I look, I'm just giving you somebody to fuck me over. Okay. Here's, here's when I think it's okay. Here's what somebody fucks with our kids. Yeah. Okay. Like seriously fucks up with our kids. Sure.

Hurts them. Yeah. Absolutely. Let's go kill the motherfucker. Okay. That's, that's different. That's probably the only scenario or they try to fucking hurt. You like physically try to kill us and you kill them first.

Oh yeah. Of course. Or physically harming my children or me. Yeah. Then that's different. But I'm talking about some guy cuts you off in traffic and you're plotting it because that's what it sounds like to me is where you're headed. Somebody cuts you off in traffic.

Somebody, your Starbucks doesn't come out hot enough and you're plotting the barista's death. That's what I'm hearing. Okay. I mean, first of all, I think both of those are reasonable. That's what, that's the problem. Let's see. That's the problem here.

Okay. You're supposed to have your spouses back. Not on that. Yes, you are. That's what I'm saying. No. Yes. No.

You're not right or die. You're not. Babe. And it's disappointing. Babe, that's, that's cray-cray talk. No, it's not. You're telling me that if you murder a barista, cause your order didn't come out right, I'm supposed to stand by you.

Yes, of course. I'm your husband. Of course. I mean, you could tell me that you're like, you can lecture me. No. And tell me like how fucked up it was that I did that. And I got to stop killing baristas, but you still don't turn me in. Of course I turn you in.

You're a real PO. Turn you in. Now it all makes sense. If you're the unibomber, I'm turning you in. That's different. How's that different? Because that's killing people. That's terrorizing people that didn't do anything to you.

Yeah. But in his mind, they were doing stuff to him. No, it was symbolic to him. Okay. Well, I like how you know the inside of his mind so well. I mean, I studied it. Read a little bit about it. Okay.

Well, look, you're already on the brink. I'm saying like somebody scratches my car in a parking lot. Right. Then I go and stick an ice pick through his neck. Sure. I can't, I can't abide that. I can't. Yeah.

So now, guess what? Now I'm not telling you stuff. Oh, now we don't have a communication in the relationship anymore. It's definitely going down. It's not going up. It's not going to improve because you're a fucking tattletale. I would report you so fucking fast, so fast if you're doing crazy stuff like that. Oh, you're out.

You're in jail, partner. You're going to turn on me and the kids. I got to protect my young hands. Why do you keep turning it into that? It's not. Boo, boo, boo, boo, because that's where it goes. No, it doesn't go there. Okay.

Let me ask you this. How many killers have good relationships with wives and children? A number of them. Yeah. A number of healthy marriages, healthy relationships with their children. Yes. Okay. Yeah.

Okay. I just Ted Bundy had a nice wife and children at home that he cared about. You're a real POS for this. Yeah. Yeah. You're a big disappointment. Not just to me, to the entire fan base. I promise you're going to hear it on this one.

Listen, they always side with you on, on nonsense like this. It's not nonsense. No, this is, this is like, you don't have you. Listen, any woman that's got children knows to protect them. I would protect my children from you. The fact that you keep twisting the two is, yeah, you're like, I've got to protect my kids. Like that has anything to do with the fucking barista.

You're out of here. Gone. If you, if you, if you were violent like that, gone. Tom, you're gone. What's a deal breaker for you? Is this bird? Look at those bitch tits. This says, yeah, I need to help finding this man.

John Doe 40 spotted in a child porn video. Oh my God. I hope it's not Bert. Well, this guy does have a beard. Half eyebrows. Well, that's what Bert looks like without a beard. That's true. What has Bert done that says, Jesus.

Other deal breakers. Well, what about, what about me? Would you turn me in if I killed the barista? No, of course not. That's the difference. I'm not a piece of shit. I'm not going to report my children's mother and my spouse and have her go to prison.

Yeah. Maybe it should be locked up if I'm doing crazy stuff like that. No, you should never thought about that. Tom, I just tell, I pull you aside and I go, the fuck are you doing? You got to stop killing people. God. And then you go, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

And I guarantee if I called your father and was like, dude, Tom and kill a barista because 100% he would not turn me in. Yes, he would. 100% your dad is a rule follower and he would be like, you have no idea. You have no idea. No, he broke the rules, buddy. No, he would fly out here and kill you if you said you were going to turn me in. You don't, that guy, are you serious?

He would sneak into the house at night and be like, I'm sorry, buddy. I had to slice her throat. She was going to talk. All right. He was like, it's fun. You're going to turn on the children and me. And I know that because that's what psychos do. Okay.

Let me ask you something. The part that everyone, just so you know, is going, wow, she's really doesn't get it. She really doesn't get it. Okay. It's not going to hurt the kids. Listen to me when you read about your serial killers. Yeah.

Who's the first person they kill? Who's the woman? Who's who's who's the first person they kill? Oh, my wife fell down the stairs. That's not serial killers. That's why he's a killer. Okay. No, no, that's like, that's, you're talking about like crime of passion stuff.

That's like walking in on you having an affair. That's when they kill the wife. It's like, it's, it's not a plotted planned for the most part thing. Those are passion kills. Okay. Okay. So what's killing the barista when that would be your order? That would obviously be that would be right.

But that doesn't mean that I'm going to go home and kill my kids. So, Yana, Yana, what that leads me to believe is that your specific brand of sociopathy lends itself to crimes of passion. Now, if you're going to kill the barista over a coffee, you're certainly prone to kill your wife. What if I get your coffee wrong? I bring you a cup of coffee without milk. You're going to slit my throat too.

Whatever. I just look, it's adjacent. It's psycho adjacent. We should start figuring out what our next step. Okay. Great. Now, who's my second husband? It's going to be someone who doesn't value loyalty.

Doesn't value. Unbelievable. Yeah. And I hope, I hope they'll just let you know. They're, they're gonna, don't worry. And Tom's right. Tom's a water chicken. Guess what?

Tom does nothing wrong. I'm helping, I'm helping our fans left and right with this one. My girlfriend and I were watching the episode of YMH with Bobby Lee and Clea, Khalila. Sorry, I forgot how to say her name correctly. I started laughing at Tom's look of disappointment and disgust when Bobby said he didn't want to get his ass eaten. My girlfriend turned to me and said, Hey, do you want me to do that to you?

And I went, uh, yeah. That was my apple smell, huh? And now she does it regularly and it's so good. I nut in four strokes every time. So thank you, Tom, for sort of being the catalyst for this new part of my life. I appreciate it. Piss on me and beat me. Try it out.

From Eric in Norway. You're welcome. Nor is Norwegian. Nor welcome, Eric. And maybe it's a signal to one other person here. Listen, Norwegians or they do their own thing. Everybody knows they're different. 20 hours of sunlight a day makes you crazy.

Last week I played a prank call from Fart Simpson. It was great involving top dog. This is the one I was holding on to. This is in my estimation, the greatest prank call that he's done. Okay. Wow. This is one that I asked him was, if I, you asked him, I asked him, would you marry your mom, I asked him if this was possible a few months ago.

And he was like, well, you know, he told me a lot of variables have to come into play, you know, to make a prank call work. Anyways, he did it. So it's so great. I'm going to again, I'm going to mute our lines after this. We'll come right back, but I'm going to mute our lines so that you can hear this call uninterrupted. Why do you burp if you're not going to make the sound?

Why do you even burp? I don't know. It wasn't like a full burp. Yeah, but why not let it go? You're at your mom's house. This isn't, that's true. All right. Church, are you raging?

Yes. Okay. Here we go. Thanks for calling Hormone synergy. My name is Bert. What can I do for you, Bert? Well, I was a little confused on exactly what your clinic does. Could you explain it to me?

We are an optimal aging and functional medicine clinic. Okay. Perfect. My client is having some issues with erectile dysfunction. Would that fall under your umbrella? We do offer games, wave and private shot treatments for erectile dysfunction. Well, I'm actually here with my client. Could I put him on the phone for him to tell you a little bit more about what

he's doing and then maybe we could see if this is a match or not? Sure. Thank you. I'll give him over. Okay. Thanks. Hi, this is I'm the medical assistant here at Hormone synergy. How can I help you?

I'm here to tell you erectile disorder problems. A day. All right. And are you looking to treat anything else or is that your main focus? No, not the problems at all. Very good. All right. So the best person I think for you to talk to would be our clinic director.

If you'll hold on just a second for me, I'll go see if he's available. Okay. Okay. I'm telling you by aggro to all that stuff and it is work. Very good. So if you'll hold on just a second for me, I'll see if he's available. Thanks. You are very welcome.

Hi, this is how can I help you? Hi, my name is Bert calling on behalf of my client, John. I'm a registered caretaker here in Oregon and the woman we just spoke with told us that you might be the best person to talk to about treating erectile dysfunction. Absolutely. Yeah. How can I help you? I'm going to put John on the phone with me if that's all right.

Sure. Okay. Yes. Hello. You're interested in the games wave treatment. Yes. Okay. And how old are you, John?

He's a 78. 78. Okay. John, are you on, are you on any medications currently? No. Okay. And are you able to achieve an erection? Yes.

So you're able to achieve an erection, but it just doesn't last as long as you would like, or you lose erectile function over time? Yes. Okay. But I just want all you guys to see. I don't know if you believe me or not, but I promise you. I'm sure you're, you're promising me what I promise you. If you can find anybody, you know, that won't get you into trouble.

Smokes and meth, the more you smoke up that bowl, the harder my dick gets, it's unbelievable. Stroke that dickhead, this up and down four times, it's, it's all fair to do it. My brother didn't believe me. But when he smoked with me, part of his dick, I couldn't believe how big his dick was. He jacked off in four strokes. Is the person, is the caretaker there available? But his dick is even harder and thicker and even more cum. He believes me now and shot the most cum he could ever shot in his life.

He's only 49. Is there, John, is there, is there a number that I can call you back? Gay. You won't believe how good it feels if you're straight. You won't believe how good it feels when I'm so fucked up and hot and horny on meth. I, I let anybody sit and get me a blow job. I'm, I'm sorry. This, this is, um, this is not information that is of value to me.

Um, I, I'm, I really apologize. I'm so sensitive that you don't need Lou. You don't need spit and you'll shoot an enormous amount of very thick, thick, hot white cum. I'm going to have to end this phone call. Okay. Oh my God. That's so great. My favorite.

And it was so subtle in the beginning where he goes, I have no neuropathy issues. She goes, okay. Okay. It was perfect. Yeah. Yeah. That was perfect.

Problems at all. How does he? Very good. Very good. No neuropathy problems at all. Very good. Uh, perfect. That was a perfection.

It was perfection. And yeah, the only thing I asked him, he was like, I ain't called. You want me to try to make? I go, if you could get the four stroke guy, like an erectile expert. And he was like, hmm, and he told me, he was like, I, you know, I've been trying that. He emailed me when he's been trying it just had, cause I guess you, you, you see that like everything has to line up for a call to work. It seems, I don't know how they do it.

So it's, it's funny cause obviously he jumps in when it necessary. It's like when that guy goes like, how are you, he's just like, uh, 78. Like he just on the spot had to think of something, you know, but I'm quite brilliant for him to be the guy's caretaker. So smart. So he can jump in on last week's. It was, uh, he's like my daddy, you know, uh, with his truck nuts and all that. Truck nuts.

Yeah. Yeah. This guy's a genius. It's great. And by the way, you can hear that call and, um, a bunch of other calls. He has a free album out of his prank calls. Wow. It's over two hours of prank calls and there's a bunch of, uh, your mom's

house once sprinkled in it is fart Simpson dot bandcamp.com. And it's a, it's an album of that put a Tony and his friends, uh, have been working on for quite a while. Uh, anyway, so I love when he's like, my brother tried it and get big hot. He's like, um, sir, he's like, this info is not information. It is a value to me that is a value to me. So great. Um, no, no, no, no, no, no wrap the issues at all.

Here's my client. And I like that guy's a person. Is the caretaker there available? I don't want to hear about all your cum and how hard your brother's dick is. That's the best part. Um, by the way, I got an email from the director of the movie that's coming out, um, instant family. Yes.

This is a, by the way, just people know. I mean, I'm, you know, I joke about being a movie star lifestyle. I'm in a good amount of scenes. Let's say I have like probably seven, eight scenes in a, in a, in this major, which picture is a massive release. This will be in every movie theater in America and internationally. It's a, you know, 4,000 plus theaters here. So I'm just saying big, you know, big paramount release.

The IMDB page about it has trivia, mostly about me. You know, it's like, it's this movie has Mark Wahlberg, Rose Burn, Octavia Spencer, like legit stars and the, the highest rated piece of trivia on the page right now is, uh, Tom Segura experienced no neuropathy issues during filming. You know, I think that it's like my favorite part of the show. Who, uh, the director, he was like, Hey, your fans are pretty hardcore, man. And then it's like, there's a longer one that says like Tom Segura, the water champ, um, like international water champ was making this film.

It just, just absolute craziness. Well, you should go back to the deadline posting of our CBS deal. Oh yeah. I mean, that one's just littered with mommy comments. It's so funny. People were like, why is everyone saying this show's about jeans? Um, okay. Why don't we, our guest is here.

Why don't we just take a break to go get them? And we'll be right back. Jean, okay. And we're back with our very special guest, comedian Doug Mallard, who has a new album out. It's a chart topper. It's called fart safari to fart harder. That's right.

I honestly think that's the best album title I've ever heard. I love the album title. I mean, what a talent. It, it took a lot to get there, you know, to come up and push back. A little bit, uh, originally the producer was like, I don't, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard, but you're so good at capitalizing on the dumbest thing someone's ever heard, you know, from tattoos. I got, um, so many stories.

Yeah. Are you really? I did not know this. Oh, it's fantastic. What kind of dumb tattoos tell her, uh, where do you want to start? Uh, I think the general consensus for favorite dumb tattoo was, uh, so I dated, this is on far too far. I won by the way.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a great, it's, it's, it's a bit. I mean, the reason I know about it is I heard him say it on stage. Fart Safari one. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Don't get it confused with two is the new release. It's harder, harder.

And you don't have to, you know, have both to have them connected. Right. You'll figure it out. On a double album. But, uh, but yeah, so I dated this girl named Ali and, uh, it didn't end well, like at all. And so I got I heart alley on my chest. And then, uh, when that went south, uh, I had to get like a really clever cover

up, you know, so, uh, came up with I heart alligators. It's pretty amazing. It's pretty good. Yeah. And it's got the little, little cost alligators. It's brilliant. Yeah, I know. I love it.

It's actually maybe my favorite tattoo. It's pretty. Oh, and then right here, that's, uh, the movie alien versus predator. Uh-huh. I thought the movie was so dumb that I drunkenly got a tattoo of it like later. It's not even correct. Like that's supposed to be a line that goes straight down. So that's, those are two great examples of capitalizing on dumb ideas and making

them funny. Oh yeah. I got a, I auditioned for a show and it was called Epic fail and I did not get the part, but they were like, we're looking for wacky comedians and, uh, like people that like will do anything. So I was like, I'll just get a tattoo of the show. So I got Epic fail on my arm and I was like, worst case, uh, you know, uh, it's an even dumber.

It's funnier. I think for sure. It's pretty funny. Oh, and it's so great that you didn't get Epic fail after getting Epic fail. Yeah. No, it's even funnier. That's better. How many of these tattoos do you have?

Uh, God, it's funny. Like I've got an old dirty bastard tattoo that it could be better. I got accommodate madness, but this is on parts before I too. I talk about it. It's misspelled just to screw with people. And I thought it'd be real funny because that people would constantly like tell me that and then I'd have to be like, be like, oh, shit, what? And, uh, we're dumb.

It's one of my favorite types of personalities in comics, which is like he lives for the moment of making it funny. So like getting the tattoo just so that, so that he can play dumb to somebody in life, like, what fuck? I got to call that guy now just for that moment. That's, I love that about you. Yeah. Um, here's the, the artwork here.

It's, it's everywhere. It's on Spotify. Obviously it's on iTunes. This is, I just pulled up the, uh, Amazon, uh, banner, but, um, yeah. It's, it's hilarious. Doug is hilarious. It's on Amazon music. Fart safari too.

Fart harder. Doug Mallard. Uh, you guys definitely download it. Leave some positive reviews for this man. Let him know how much you loves work. It's great. It's so funny. The, a lot of you saw Doug, by the way, with me, um, uh, on the, on the

last tour, you came with me to a number of cities and we did, uh, Seattle together, Bocan, Portland, Houston, Dallas. Yeah. There you go. Um, so you, Tom, the last time we were all together, was it when we were all together, you, well, first of all, Doug, congratulations. You just got married. Oh, thanks.

Uh, I'd hold off on that, but it's like a C minus so far. You know? Yeah. And you did the honeymoon. Yeah. No, I'm looking to get remarried to a loyal person. So we'll get into it later, but, um, someone who won't just believe, call the police on their own spouse, just because he let the, uh,

sprinkler run on the wrong day. So anyway, um, you just got married and, uh, no, the point being, oh, wait, that they came to the home. They came, uh, Doug and his now wife over and we had a lovely time. We were drinking. We were laughing. And then you farted in front of his lovely fiance. That's true.

And I was like, you don't even know this person yet. You have to have some precedents with them before you fart in front of them. Oh my gosh. Yeah. When did you meet her? Like, how long have you known her for before we started? Actually, I hung out with Flynn quite a bit because, uh, she met, we met on the, like I've known Doug for a number of years.

I probably, by the second time that we did to get a gig together, I was hanging out with Flynn and when we did our Texas gigs together, she's from there. We hung out with her and her brother. Yeah, we crashed a wedding together. I've hung out with her a good, I mean, not like, oh my God, years and years and years, but enough to fart. Yeah. And I farted, it was pretty loud.

It was pretty loud. Well, I think part of it, it was, yeah, it was nasty, but. But like, here's the deal. It's like, I'm used to him, but he's, he also knows me. And I think that's why he's like, I can, she lives with this guy. Sure. So it's fine because he knows that I do that in front of her. I know how off the rails he goes.

Sure. And I know what his boundaries are and there's not a lot of them. Yeah. So that's why I felt like I could probably fart. So you farted and it was in our kitchen too, which was really nice. And why we were all sitting at the dining room table. We were having a good time. And you just farted in front of her.

And no, I felt bad for you just because you felt like that was bad because like Flynn was not in all phase. Okay, as long as she was. No, like when she told me to tell you personally that the other night we were, she like gave me a kiss and I farted right as like, I saved it just for that moment because I just gotten back from being out of town and she was like, tell Christina that happened because this is just. Well, I feel as though I've experienced the same.

I, my life is a mirror to her. So we're in solidarity. Now, how long did you wait before you farted in front of her? Oh God. No, that was immediate. I don't, you gotta like, I'm not going to live a lie. Like it's going to happen. Was it, was it like, cause weren't you friends before you dated?

Is that right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We were friends earlier before. Yeah. Wait, were you farting as friend? Yeah, for sure. I mean, she thinks farts are funny. Like, yeah, I finally let it out.

I like that weenie burp you had for the break. Oh my gosh. So, so you farted as friends in front of her. So by the time you were lovers, it was like, now do you, here's the thing. Here's, here's a line in the sand that Tom and I have is Tom and I will make marital loves and then afterwards he'll wait about 10 or 15 minutes before he starts farting again. And then he'll, he'll be like, but I held it in this whole time for you.

Like he was doing me a favor that whole 10 or 15 minutes. That's a huge sign of respect. That's, that's a long time. I think. Yeah. Like I'll sometimes we'll get started and I'll be like, I got a fart right now. And I'll hold it, hold it. Have you ever done it in a while?

No, I mean, it's probably been once like snuck out, but I'm like, I felt it where I could push and make a big scene. And obviously I know that, you know, get, get it more turned on, but I'll, I'll hold it and then I've, I've finished. And then like, I'd really like to fart now. Yeah. It's still been like, oh, but, you know, love's still in the air. I don't want to, I don't want to be accused of being too much of an asshole.

So I'll, I'll wait until it's like, you know, cuddling is, you know, done. Or during cuddling, you don't really let me cuddle you either. That's another thing. I like it. And you're always like, it's too hot. I'm too hot. You don't let me. Yeah.

I don't like that. I bet my next wife will probably line up. Anyways, so, so you, you hold it in during post-coital or what's your policies? Probably less than 10 minutes. So I think he's doing great. I think, I think you got a good guy. Of course. Yeah.

Do you guys shit in front of each other? Has that barrier been broken? We talk to each other while we shit. I mean, we don't, we don't keep the door open. Yeah. That one's, that's a bear. Like, cause I've, you, he won't let me talk to him through the door. Oh, really?

I'm, I'm, I like really like to block everything out. Yeah. It's a bummer. Our apartment's not huge and we'll have people over and we're still talking to each other. Well, I spent a lot of time in there. That's called love, Tom. Why don't you support me in that?

I feel like if I don't turn you into the cops for murder, you can talk through me, you can talk through the door when you're taking a shit with me because you've not let me in the last 14 years. I've tried too many times and you're always, you just ignore me. Yeah. I'd like to have more conversations. I gotta get my reading in at some point. You want to, I know.

Toilet reads. You'll probably like this because you like pranks and you're like, so we played a, a fart prank. Remember like the, the dad who was like, did you just fucking see it? Yeah. And this is another guy. He just, he sprayed the fart spray. To set up his friend getting in the car.

You'll like it. Hey, you brought some chips today? I'm just. Spray. Well, you smell like ass. Top of ass. Like somebody did. I'm on stomach, bro.

Like somebody digging in your ass. What are you fired at? Man, fuck a spray. Bitch, you smell like, man. I don't even know, bitch. You smell. Oh, it's been. It's been, bro.

The pill, bitch. Stop, stop. Bitch, you spray my joint. Say it for your drink, bitch, man. You need to spray your ass, motherfucker. The fuck, man. I don't even want to eat my food. Man, the fuck that shit, man.

I love it. Stick ass, nigga. I'm on stomach, bro. Lightheaded, bro. Lightheaded, you didn't wash your ass, bro. You got inrods, bitch. No, bro, nigga. That shit stink, dog.

Wow. God damn it. No, he's not throwing up. No, there's no throwing up. No, I don't like that. There's no throwing up. He's making the sounds. I don't like it.

He's fucking. He's getting out of the car. He got out of the car. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. Don't lie to me.

No, it's fine. I swear to you. He's off camera. But I don't like the sounds. Is he still making the sound? No, he's not even. He's just like trying to clean it up. Yeah.

Look, his eyes walk. Man, it's a spray. It stays around, right? Mother, boy, your stomach beats your insides. Fuck, bro. Let's try. Let's try here. I don't like drinking.

Come on, man. We got goat. I don't even want to ride with you. Fuck. Man, come on, man. Damn, y'all. How long has that stuff lingered? I guess a while.

Spray? It's a spray. Bro, you sprayed already. Come on, man. And then, look, you get some here. I don't want it. No, no, no, no. He throws it.

He throws it. No, no, no. Watch. On top of it. What, man? He throws a fake roadshad. Man, man. Just torturing this guy.

Just torturing this guy. Yeah, it's fantastic. It's fantastic. I love it. I love that stuff. It's just like us on the road. Yeah. Pretty much, 100%.

Well, I love what Doug does when you guys go on the road together. Is he makes embarrassing t-shirts. Oh, my God. And you guys travel together. It's pretty fun. It's, yeah, I mean, I'm sure some of the people know what we're talking about. Yeah, if you go on my Instagram, you scroll through it, you'll see that every time I'm with Doug and we travel, including like if we're doing multiple cities, multiple days,

he has different t-shirts of me on his t-shirt. And he says, this is my friend. Or a cool guy. Cool guy. My neat uncle friend. Yeah. And like we're boarding together and then it's me and then me on his shirt. I'll be like, have you guys seen my special friend?

Yeah. Or it'll be a picture of him wearing a shirt of me on his shirt. Within another image. But that's like day two or three now. Yes. So he's got a whole plan. He's got on yesterday's day. He plots it out.

That's what I love. Yeah. It's great. Yeah. If we're doing clubs then, you know, that's several days. So we'll have a different shirt for every day. And he doesn't seem to catch on that it's going to happen at some point during the day. It's so funny.

I'm actually kind of hot. Do you mind if I... Are you? Are you? Do you want to take your headphones off? Yeah, I've got a... Oh, geez. Let's see.

Let's undershirt. Let's see what it is. Oh, God. Let's see. Let's see. My cool family. My cool family. My first one with...

Oh, with Christina. Wow. Thanks. I feel honored. This is our old band. This is great. Remember that? Great.

My cool family. Yeah. I'm honored. I really did my glasses. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that was straight up from your Instagram. Yeah.

Those are awesome. They look really cool with that haircut. Yeah. I love it. And I love my bow. I love Christina's expression. Yeah. Well, yeah, the two...

We always wear the same outfits. We're family. Yeah. I got it. Yeah. Wow. You never disappoint when you're short game. No.

I'm very impressed. Man, there was one in Denver where I panicked because I forgot to do it and it was like, we were about to take off and... You panicked that you didn't get... It's so fun. And so, I found a place like a flea market that would make a... What's that called? Like the spray painting.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was actually... You know what? It ended up being one of the most beautiful ones. I forget this, but then it just hits me.

Is that when I first met him, it was in Cap City in Austin and he got jumped. Oh, my God. He got jumped like earlier that day or the night before... The night... Yeah, it was 1 a.m. I was like, why are you on crutches? I got jumped. Mm-mm.

And then the club was like, dude, if you're going to be hobbling up there, we can't put you on. Oh, my God. They were like, come on, man, you got crutches, you're hobbling. People don't want to see that. He's like, I was attacked last night and they're like, yeah, but no one wants to look at you like this. Right.

The show must go on. Whoever was managing that week was like, dude, come on, you're all fucking bruised up, like, blaming him. I ditched the crutches and I just took the pain. That's still the craziest part of the whole weekend to me, that somebody was like, you were in a car accident, God damn it, you got cuts on your face and you're like, you piece of shit. Yeah, like yelling at the person who's sick, essentially.

Right. Like, come on, man. The audience won't like that. Well, yeah, they were trying to talk me out of just like, I was in the hospital and I was like telling them, hey, this is what happened. And they're like, you should probably just take care of yourself and I was like, no. I had PTSD for a little bit after that and it was like, no, I need to get on stage to feel normal.

Yeah. Like it was pretty messed up. Yeah. It was pretty messed up. I didn't even get hit, but yeah, my knees are just like screwed for life. Still? Yeah, it's really bad. And what was the scenario again?

I was just walking to say hi to a couple friends and it was like late at night and I had friends that like lectured me later, like, what was your fault for walking in a, it's not a bad neighborhood. No, I was, I mean, it's not the best, but it's, you know, it's like, I live in the middle of LA like, you know, like in Austin, I wouldn't think that would be a problem. And yeah, I just heard like screaming. I heard someone say, I'm going to kill you motherfucker. And they came, it was a big dude and he came running with his fist up and he's running

full speed at me and I just, and there was a group of guys behind them that were laughing, which was just like so like unsettling. And I just kind of shimmied over, I'm really good at juking and I just like Barry sandered over and then like he ran, he was going too fast. So he had to run past me and then couldn't run that way because those guys were there, didn't want to run towards him. So there was like 10 foot ledge behind this church's chicken and I just ran and like long jumped off this ledge and I remember when I landed, I could see I was past this, you

know, the parking space lines. I jumped almost all the way past that and just, but when I landed just everything in both legs, just I knew it, it was bad. And then they, the guy jumped after me and then he hit his head and like he was kind of dazed and he was kind of shaking his face, but I was like, I was ready to get shot in the back or like those other guys were going to jump down and that guy was still trying to get up. And so I like ran out to like where the street lights were and we're just kind of waving

at cars and like called my friend and then just ran to where I was supposed to be going because it was right there. It was like a 0.3 mile walk that this happened in and showed up and they run after you when you were not after that guy was too messed up, I think, like, but I was still just so nervous. Do you think it was just like people being drunk and silly? I think I mean, I, I've been in a lot of like heightened situations, but I've never had the like flight response, but that really felt like I had a voice in my head that was

like, you're going to get killed. It was really scary. It was weird. I mean, yeah, it sounds terrifying. Yeah. Did you ever find these guys or did anything? Oh man, I went to the cops. The cops ended up saying that they basically thought I made it up.

And at one point I was told over the phone from a detective that they basically started accusing me. By the way, I had to cut you off. Why? Perfect person to say that to, like, you could tell me a story and I'd be like, you made that up. And you'd be like, no, it really happened. I'd be like, there's something about you though.

What are you talking about, detective? I feel like that's kind of, that may be what they picked up on, that joke story. He was like, come on. Well, yeah, it was like this weird, so this lawyer buddy of mine told me about this program that could help with my medical bills, like through the state for situations like that. And so, but because it technically wasn't hit by anyone and there was no witnesses, they just kind of hinted that like, hey, if you, he just called me and the first thing I was mouth is like, something like, if you're making this up, you're going to go to jail

for a while. And I was like, you think I fucking made this? I started screaming at him with them. That feels weird because like to yell at a detective, like, and how do you handle that? I mean, in the end, like they, he still didn't really back down. And then I took a lawyer down to the, the police station and that really like changed it. The guy like, and then once I sat down with the detective and like showed him with detail

by detail, knowing everything that happened, he kind of was like, okay, this guy in bullshitting. And then like six months later, I get a letter that was like, basically like, we, we think this happened, but they couldn't even like fully like, we're sorry, you know, like it was terrible. Of course. Did you end up getting your medical bills covered? Kind of? I mean, like some of it a little bit, yeah, but it was just, you know, you just ignore

that. Just let it, let it stack. That's so crazy. I'm so sorry that happened. It's terrible. You seem like the perfect guy to maybe weigh in on this. We got an email, somebody said, hey, I love the found, the pot, I just found the podcast. I've been catching up on episodes.

It's, I'm 22 years old. I just moved out of my mom's house and now I live in a five bedroom apartment in Chicago with roommates, three girls and a guy. I have never shit in a public bathroom in my life. I have been living in this apartment for 48 hours and still haven't shit at my mom's house. I would go at least twice a day, sometimes up to four. I've thought of going up to the rooftop of the building where they have two great bathrooms

with loud fans and a nice shower, just in case things got crazy, but I can't justify going up there every time I have to go. How do you, do you have any suggestions on how to overcome his basically his shyness you know, how to break that down, piss on me and beat me. Thank you, Christian. I do. I'll tell you what, in college, I lived with four other kids and we had the exact same problem. There was one turlet, it was in its own room and then four other people.

So here's what you got to do. You got to be loud and proud and vocal and you got to start announcing your dumps. Hey guys, I got to make a brown. Nobody fuck with me right now. And you maybe put like a thing on the door. Hey, I'm browning like a note on the door, like leave me the fuck alone. Yeah. That's the only way because when you live with that many people,

everybody knows when you're shitting. Let's see this guy, he's struggling. I feel for him because he's embarrassed. You know, this is a new ground for him. There's also something for every guy. I don't think even he ever really leaves you sometimes about like he's hesitant about shitting in front of the girl. Oh, it's the ladies.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I still think of chances are you can't. You're not going to hook up with this. No, it's a bad idea. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Your roommates. So I mean, I think you still just own it. I think just go in there, eat some Indian food and just really let it go.

And yeah, just announce it, make light of it and then walk in and be like, Hey guys, I got to tell you something. Maybe maybe throw a house meeting, you know, be like, Hey, house meeting. And then you get, you get in everybody in the room and you go, I have to go make a chocolate right now. And I want everybody to know and then you just, you know, go up. Well, because we had, okay. So yeah, we had a one male living with us, Kevin and we all knew when

Kevin was shitting, but like he said, like you're not banging. Nobody was banging Kevin in the house. And here's the thing you forget when you, when you start to feel weird about shitting, you know, about like, oh my God, every, you forget everybody shits, bro. Everybody does. Yeah. And everybody's shit smells. Everybody's shit is shit.

So just, you got to just remember that each of those people that you're, you know, kind of embarrassed to shit in front. They've had those same feelings. They've had those shits too. Yeah. And you're going to shower. You probably have one shower. You're going to see each other coming out in the, in towels and

don't forget, there's probably that pretty girl, that, that roommate that you kind of have a little crush on. She takes smelly, runny dumps, big dumps. Yeah. Real, that's an, you can run the shits. You ever run the shower to cover up the sound? Yeah. That's another movie to try.

I could do that. But I mean, if there's a rooftop option, you could also. Yeah. But like every time he's like, you just got to break it down. You just got to go in there, fucking have that morning coffee and just let it, let the brown down. I could even suggest waking up an hour before your roommates generally do drink your coffee, take your shit before anyone else is awake or do late night

dumps when everybody's asleep. I mean, I can't plan them like that. Set your alarm at 430 to go take a monster dump. But then if you wake everybody up, it's with your shit. Yeah. Speaking of sexy moves, you remember, um, we had the, the guy, that, uh, he put his flyer out there. Yeah.

Yeah. Somebody saw him putting his flyer up shut the front door. So this guy, I thought this guy was incredibly terrifying. Christina was like, I mean, I guess I would go out with him. He seems nice. I trust him. Nice eyes. He didn't say, man, I say that this guy 100% would bash your head in with a

hammer looking for a girlfriend. Okay, bro. So we got this message that somebody. Yeah. He looked real sweet, fucking crazy. Me too, though. Here's the, uh, hey, I was watching the mom cast 464 and was surprised to see a familiar face, the flyer man who was searching for a girlfriend.

I saw the same flyer snap the picture because I could not believe such a handsome, nice looking guy who only looks a little dead behind the eyes was resorting to such unconventional methods in his search for love. When I saw the flyer, there were at least two kind souls who had ripped off the name number and were interested in contacting this man. I admit, I considered taking the final remaining ripoff contact card, but then decided that although I proudly consider myself a hot white trash come dump, I was not certain that I could get into being tied up in a basement and having

my knees broken based on his headshot slash mugshot. And I've definitely killed an endangered woodpecker or two Mona Lisa smile. The chance that our friend searching for a female companion is into light bondage and Tonya Harding style leg injuries just seemed too likely for me to pounce. Hope this shed some light on the origin of this flyer. Love the podcast. Christine is the true water champion.

Sorry, Todd, congrats on the birth of your second little genes. Keep them high and tight. Uh, Kaylee, I guess she didn't, I thought she saw the guy. She saw this flyer years ago. To see the flyer is pretty amazing in person, in person, incredible. You can for sure see that guy, like dragging a body behind him. I can imagine if the cops come to you and they're like, what happened? You know, who was it?

And you're like, well, uh, my friend, um, she, uh, she took a, she took a fly, the number of this guy. They'd be like your friend. We're not going to search for her stupid. She, she called this guy like, yeah, he's looking for a girlfriend. You don't see the murder in this guy's heart. You see it through his eyes. Shame on you.

Yeah. This guy, now this guy you should call and you should turn them in, babe. What does he look like? That's some actor. You think so? Yeah, I don't know. He's handsome. Oh, I don't think he's bad.

He looks a little like, uh, Eric Bannon in the eyes. There you go. See? I like Eric Bannon. I changed. Yeah. He's not that unattractive. As far as these creepers go that we play on the show, he's better than the guy with no teeth.

He's better than, um, Oh, they'll make you come guy. Yeah. He's better than the right now, right now, right now. Yeah. Well, here's the thing. We don't know if he's better than any of those guys because we're looking at a still shot of him being like a girlfriend.

That's him at his best. Yeah. That's the best representation you can find. He shows that picture. We were talking about Instagram. It's your virtue. You're projecting like, this is who I am. That's what he's like, this who I am.

This is me right here, bro. Here's a clip, uh, Doug Miller farts far too. Fart harder. It's funny stuff. Yeah, yeah, thanks, man. Yeah, I worked on these. You saw the evolution, I saw how that started. Right.

Um, no, this is, uh, yeah, I had to do that. That was Phil, Phil Minton, best known for having his free form work, which involves extended techniques, voice improvising. He's the most celebrated in his field. I mean, good. That's really good selling tickets. I'll be furious. Look at the room.

I mean, you need to question that guy's doing theaters, man. I'm actually opening for him next month. How's that going to go? I mean, I'm glad I'm opening. I'm not following that. Well, yeah, but what's, he's not going to have anything left to do after you're done. What is this called again, voice improvising? Yeah, vocal improv.

He just came up with this whole category himself. He can do so many sounds. It's a wide range. It is. He could do like baby sounds. Isn't it upsetting that you spent 16 years honing a craft for people to notice you and come see your show and then this is like me too. Yeah, I'm pretty good at what I do.

Yeah, Dick head. And then, you know, it's crazy. Is that anybody would go like, we'll set up a chair and we'd love to have you do that bullshit that we saw you doing on the train. If you don't mind the crazy, this is the crazy guy in the subway. Do you think that this is in a museum and this is like an installation? Absolutely. People are like, oh, wonderful.

That room looks like it. A staggering comment on capitalism and Trump's America. Is that what this is? That's probably exactly what this is. What a bunch of fucking horseshit. What's crazy is that anybody would walk up and be like, good job. That's the part that pisses me off. This guy or the girlfriend looking guy?

Who's weirder in their downtime? Oh, the fucking girlfriend. Wait, which guy was the last flyer guy number? See, this guy's more annoying. This guy's more annoying. The other guy, though, he's wearing a tie. Yeah. The other guy will dismember you.

OK, who would you rather go on a dinner date with though? That's a real question. Well, I mean, do you like to listen? Because this guy's definitely making it about him. I think the flyer guy is like, tell me more about you, you know, right? Where do you go? What time do you leave the house? What time do you have any roommates who's keeping in the bus schedule you follow?

Yeah, he just turns off the lights and puts on classical music. You like to have any duct tape and rope in your car rocking? Yeah. How about a shovel? Do you have a shovel? Let's stop at Home Depot before we just I don't know. Do we need to? Or is there a hardware store that works too? OK. This is such horseshit.

What are I mean? Makes me so mad. That's I mean, that's a little that's like scatting. Yeah. Well, I don't know. Like Cab Calloway. I'd rather listen to scatting than this guy. I'd rather buy tickets and invest in a night watching scatting. Man, what would you rather watch?

I mean, I could. I thought about just making some fart tracks at the end of my album just to end it. And I think that would be much better than what's going on there. I think that would have been amazing if you did that. I should have had some bonus parts. Be good, dude. Or just if it said bonus track and it was just you like

just ripping for it. So I'd be like, this is a great album. Yeah, it already is the greatest album ever made. Maybe I'm not sophisticated, but I don't understand the art world when it does stuff like that. Yeah, I like looking at pretty stuff, you know, pretty pictures. I mean, I don't like stuff like that, like interpretive things. They just anger me.

Oh, yeah, I don't get it. Pictures of assholes. But then they like turn it into like, well, the deeper meaning behind this. Yeah, colonoscopy. Yeah, scan is whatever. It feels so bullshit, right? It's like, that's not what's happening. I mean, yeah, I don't.

It makes you feel stupid. Yeah, me too. Like I'm not sophisticated or something because I don't like the fucking yodeling guy in the museum. It that's that's terrible. That's all point or something like that, isn't it? Just to make normal people feel dumb because they don't get it. I'm only upset if that guy makes a living, you know.

Yeah, depending on his price, I would hire him for a party, though, just to like guys got to come over. Here's the thing. We're all going to tell him he's amazing. That's just everyone go like, that's one of the greatest. And then like as he starts to like overstay his welcome, you just kind of shove him out the door and he's old, too. Like he's been doing.

Oh, he's been perfecting his horseshit for years. Um, yeah, how do you work on that? Oh, God, Doug, how do you yellow? My friends and I have been having a heated debate. One of our writers or listeners writes in about which is the proper way to make peepee. I say you pull your hog through the hole in your boxers and go. They're telling me I'm dumber than bird is racist and that you're supposed to flip your Wang dang doodle over the top of your waistband and drain the vein.

That way I seek your guidance, especially the water champ on this one. So when I meet a white trash come dump, I have the proper form. Looking forward to your thoughts, Ben Filler is a cuck, Kyle. Oh, white trash go through the hole. I usually go over. Yeah. Or just go, you know, I don't go through the hole. I here's the thing. OK, here's the truth. If I'm wearing like suit pants, you run right through the hole.

But if I'm wearing basically anything else, I pull the Wang out of the top. Pull everything down. What about you? I think it's up. But yeah, what do you do? I pull mine through the hole. You do? Why do they build a hole if you're not going to use it? No, I know. I think, I don't know. I mean, definitely when you pull everything down, the waistband down,

it's definitely a boss move. You feel like take this. Look what I have for you. You're no sure it's just like everything comes out. Feels like you're really in charge. You're showing that showing that you're showing that you're a boss. So you're telling me that you don't ever use the utility of the hole that's provided suit pants, suit pants.

That's on occasion. Yeah. Oh, sorry. Explain to me why. I think suit pants, the way that, you know, there's usually like a buckle and a button, so it's like more cumbersome. Yeah. Oh, to try to take it out. And actually, it's quite comfortable. So if you're somebody who wears a suit every day, I think that's very effective. But if you're wearing, obviously, if you're, I mean, jeans, it's kind of up to you.

But I think I normally, no, you're right. If I have a belt on, if I have a belt on, I would unzip and just use the fucking lazy. Here's the thing. I mean, you guys, that's so it's so. And first of all, why can't I have panties with like a slit cut in the bottom so that I can just pull the fabric apart and piss? Who says you can't? Yeah, we should do that. But it's because you guys, yeah, like, why can't I do this too? And then I'll cut a slit in my jeans and then just let the fountains go.

It's all a lot of work, really. I don't want to pull my pants down. Oh, who's got time for that? I, I at urinals do the full on. I go all the way to the ground. Oh, what? So what? The urinal? Yeah, I just pull them down to my ankles. I just let it's fun.

Are you supposed to do that? Oh, no, not at all. It's just really creeps people out. Tom, at a urinal, do you poke it through the hole or you go pull the wiener out? I think it all depends on the pants that I'm wearing, you know, it just really what it comes down to. I mean, we're trying to think here, there's certain like there's shorts.

Let's say I have these shorts that are, I guess, you know, there's a button and a zipper. It just makes sense when you walk up. I just naturally unbutton pull it down. Everything's out of the top, you know? But then if I was wearing these jeans right here, there's a belt on them right now. Yeah, right? No, there is no belt on this one.

No belt open it. If the belt were on, I would, I would just go through the hole. So it just depends on the wear. A real baller move is those like NBA slip away pants. We just, oh, yeah, the warm up pants. Yeah, I feel like such a boss if I'm wearing, you know, no button, no zip, just let's say regular, let's say shorts, right? Gym shorts, then you pull down and everything flops out.

That's that's the most your balls and your everything. Balls, fuck, everything's out. Yeah, everything's out. It's a neat thing to have. Cock-a-balls. I wish I could try it just for a day. I don't want to have the balls permanently on the road. He makes me do all that for him.

Yeah, yeah, great. Yeah, part of it. Take out his. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's have you weigh in on a debate that is really cooking on this show. Forrest Gump. Yes. Oh, yeah. Yes.

Wow, you really knew where we were going. Wow. Wow. Is it unethical? Was it unethical for Jenny to for Forrest to give her AIDS? For her to take advantage of his mental state, though? Because he was cute. I get what Jenny likes.

His capacity was what? You know, his men. Yeah, sure. I mean, he did go to college, but he's played football. I mean, it's a college. I forgot that. Alabama. Oh, right. Yeah, he was a star football player football.

Well, that's why he's a football player. And I was saying, yeah, he's proficient. He can read. He can write. I guess he can read. Yeah, because he needed some city on. He reads like like you right here. Do you know or you're. Do you remember being on the road for like 10, 15 years after that came out?

People, there were still comics you'd come across that were like the Jenny doing their forest. Yeah, yeah. Well, I stayed for a while and the Chewbacca, the Chewbacca impressions lasted well into the early 2000s, still go on. Oh, boy. Good God. Arnold, Arnold stuff. That's a biggie sly.

I guess some are always like the one to do. De Niro. Oh, yeah. Man, why are you not doing that? Say that for the stage, man. Save it. Yeah. Save it. Dude, you're blowing your special. Wait, so so what's where are you on this device of issue?

Well, I think I think he ended up making her making his life. She made his life complete in the end. I think he was fine with it. I'd like to look at how happy that guy was. He was fine with it because it feels good to come. But was it wrong of her? Yeah, I mean, I don't think it was the bet. But what would you have interpreted it differently if the gender roles were switched?

If it's a girl, if the girl was I far rise and he was like this normal yeah, yeah, actual person. Yeah. Yeah, then that would be rape or taking advance that rape. But yeah, I don't know, some form of molestation or I don't know. I think there was someone that weighed in last time and said that, like she did try to hook him up with a H.J. or something. Right. Yeah.

So they made out in her dorm room. Yeah. And he was like, like he was all weird. Like they French. Or is that one they fucked? I don't remember. I don't like. I think she just showed boobies. Right.

And that was too much for him. I can't remember. He got scared. Yeah, he wasn't into it. So he was he's such an innocent, though. But yeah, we got quite the email about this this week. You want to hear it? OK, good morning, mommies.

I sat idle for the last few weeks listening to you butcher the forest gump situation. I decided to weigh in. My main point is this. There is no minimum IQ level to catch a nut by saying. That Jun that Jammie shouldn't be allowed to fuck force. You're saying that he's too stupid to come. This sounds a lot like eugenics, only the smartest among us

should be allowed to come. This is precisely what Hitler was trying to pull off. Forest isn't that stupid. He attended college, was a member of the Armed Forces, trained a multinational corporation and was apparently able to navigate his way around the country on foot. I could not pull these things off using game alone. He was able to pull some snails on multiple occasions.

In his first encounter with Jenny, he caught his nut with zero consideration for her orgasm. In spite of this, he was able to convince her to engage his love making on another occasion. And apparently the only thing Forest pulls out of is his driveway. That's the mark of a true coxman. Jenny also did not have HIV. This is a common conclusion, but incorrect.

It was never stated exactly what she had, but in the second book, it was confirmed it was hepatitis. This is why Forest didn't have the disease, even though he goes raw love to show my friend turned me on. A few months ago, I've gotten back and listened to a bunch of those. Keep up the good work, beat up me and piss on me. Todd and Pittsburgh. Well, that is just about wraps up this argument.

I think Todd, thank you so much. He's closed judge Todd. Todd really let us know. He's right. Now I see it differently. Well, I hadn't considered all of this stupid to come for. No, you're not too dumb. No one's too dumb to come.

Hey, there's a next shirt. Not too dumb to come. Yeah. Not too dumb to come. Far too hard, not too dumb to come. Yeah, I'm going to write that down. Yeah, it's out there. But considering his accomplishments, yeah, he did do everything.

So yeah, who did judge what he can come and not come, whatever. That's true. You can come whenever he wants. So if he can run a corporation and do all that stuff. There was a forest gump to book. I didn't even know there was. So I was not aware. Um, look at this person told us, uh, hey, hello out there.

I found this in my neighbor's lawn and I find that it's basically the stranger equivalent to telling your aunt what makes you come and forth. I wanted to hear you weigh in on this nice front lawn decor. Am I just a big fat black dick or is this unnecessary? OK, here's the neighbors in this house. We believe health care is a human right. Black lives matter. Women's rights are human rights.

No human is illegal. Science is real. Love is love. That is quite the declaration for the lawn. Well, it's it's letting everybody know I'm a social justice warrior. And I got no children and no responsibilities in my life. Yeah, you know what I would do a lot of free time. I would, I mean, I think it's obviously it's fine, whatever you want.

I think you should maybe make a big brown chocolate right here. And then put your own sign in it. And you go in my house. This is where I take a shit right there. It's just annoying. It is annoying. It's like the Jada speech or something. It's annoying, and especially because, well, let's see, let's do the other way.

If somebody who was on the opposite end of that spectrum, put a sign on their lawn. Oh, yeah, that's right. They'd be really lit up. Yeah, it is, though. It's like the person said, it's the equivalent of being like, I got to tell people what turns me on. Like, I have to announce that I'm pansexual to my parents at Thanksgiving and ruin their holiday arm pits.

Give me a heart on it. Just want to eat turkey. You know, you don't have to tell them. You don't have to tell them to both. Yeah. Yeah. It is like bumper stickers, which were much bigger in like the 80s. I feel like when everyone had to put their political leaning in there, you're just driven by one of those cars that has like 40 bumper stickers.

Yeah, just a cute to get pulled over. What kind of instability is in that? But that kind of went out of fashion, these bumper stickers. But for a while, it was like that's how you declared your. Now, I guess it's social media. You can be like, this is what I'm all about. Here's my political stuff. Like, all right, dude.

Plus, we have emojis, which are just stickers now. Yeah. So we get to be children through our phones, I guess. Here's somebody just telling you what makes them come, you know. Can I read this one? I think I like it. Just another day being biogender. I feel so amazing.

I love being connected to nature. I'm a reincarnation of a dinosaur. I'm so happy. Thank you all for being accepting. And to my haters, please stop. Love you all. There's zero punctuation. Why don't you describe what's in these photos, babe?

I don't know what their pronoun is. Yeah. There's a person in grass, like licking the grass. And then this person is has a leaf in their mouth. Like they're and they're also staring at the camera. Sure. So it's menacing. It's menacing or extremely hot, depending on your perspective.

As a biogender person myself. Biogen, biogen. I'm going to jerk off for sure. Are they wearing like the color-lended kind of stone? Oh, my God. Right here. That makes it even more terrifying. Now, how long do you think this horseshit is going to last?

Imagine being the parent. That's what I think. Oh, yeah. I mean, I think this person is this person is not that old. I think they're like a teen at the at the oldest. They're like 19, 20. But, you know, if you're a parent, you've got to be like, look, I know you jerk off in the yard.

You don't have to share this stuff. All right. And then they're like, dad. So sick of all your fucking antiquated views on the world. But how long do you think this trend is going to go on? This gender horse, this bio. Oh, I think it's revving up. It's just just getting started.

Oh, I think so. Yeah. Another 10 years. Oh, yeah. Easy. That's the hope. Like with us growing up, the pictures, you had like the real photographs. Yeah.

So we don't have the constant evidence that like I went through some weird phases. Nothing that fucking crazy, but that person forever. It just has this stamp of like, if they have kids like, yep, there you were. Just being a dinosaur, getting your fuck on. Imagine, you know how we get, you get embarrassed of some things from your youth. Like, let's say you see a picture or something, but like, you know, like, I'll see a photo or like a video of myself and I hate everything, like just like totally cringe.

Yeah. Um, this, I would hope that when this person's 35. They see this and they're like, Oh my God. No, they're going to be bio gendered forever. Tom, it's how they identify. Yeah. They're just like, I need to get back to that. I lost myself.

Do you think business man now would this make you want to know what somebody sent us pretty amazing. They sent us sure. Um, okay. So Amber emailed us, she goes this past week and my friends and I took 10 or 12 Benadryl and hit the 10, not long after we arrived, some real FGT RTT was telling me about this video his friend received after drunkenly dancing, um, and giving her phone number to a real shit pig thought you guys might enjoy this man's

dedication to texting a 20-something girl, this gem of a video. First thing in the morning for her to wake up. So it's like, you meet a guy. He's like, we get your number and she's like, all right, give us a number next day you wake up, um, she, oh, she goes, sorry. He isn't shirtless. It was a real blessing in the skies. Um, we're all dedicated members of the four stroke and Amber, but like imagine,

you know, you're out your friends, right? But this is like, you're out of college basically and like some guys like, can I get those digits and you're like, okay. And then the next morning you're like, oh man, that was a, that was a late night. I think I drank too much. Oh, what's this on my phone? Good morning, Julia. It's me, Joe.

Just wanted to say hi. Wish you a great day. Tell you that meeting you yesterday and getting a look at you was probably one of the greatest moments of my life. You were so beautiful. You don't know how beautiful you are to me. I mean, just you're gorgeous. You're precious, but it's been sitting in my mind when you said to me, you want

to go back with your ex-boyfriend, please erase him from your memory. Don't ever go back in the past. I know because I've been there and I understand when, you know, you're trying to find somebody and you go on dates and nothing compares to your ex, but there is that better person out there. And Julia, I promise you, it is me. I would love you like you've never been loved before. Oh my God.

I'll cherish you. I'll make you feel like a woman, a real woman. And believe me, after you experience me, you won't even know who your ex-boyfriend is. Doesn't he sound like Bill Burr to me in your arms. Open up your heart to me in your arms. Oh my God. Let's go full throttle. I could see me falling in love with you, which I don't know.

I just looked in your eyes and I just melt. Anyhow, I'm heading off to work. This is my cute little home. Everything you see behind me, I built everything. Every square inch from crown mold into chair rail to floors to lighting to plumbing. Doors, windows. What if Bill's like, this is how I got my girl? I sent a video.

I was like, yeah, this is my house. I tell jokes and I could see myself going full throttle with you. So this is the type of guy you get. Yeah, a very handy guy. And right. I'd love to build you whatever you want. No, thanks. You're a sweetheart.

So I hope this video doesn't scare you. OK. That's how I feel. I just want you to know that. OK, if you have to say that. Going out with you. So let's make it happen. Child, baby.

Oh, perfect. And it's just it's just I mean, I feel bad for I'm embarrassed for him. Yeah. I also I it brings about just any embarrassing thing I've ever done in my mind. You know, like you go like when? Because the feeling I get for him is like it's reminiscing of feeling embarrassed for myself right when you put yourself out there for a girl. You are going like, what have I done?

Like one time, oh, God, I left a voicemail. Oh, my God, I've never done that. I've gotten a few of those embarrassing voicemail because this is prior to the day what kind of voicemail. OK, so there was a guy I was seeing very early. It was very early, like like one one time we hung out and it was like, I miss you. I just want to let you know I'm thinking about you.

Yeah. And I just I miss you so much. And I was like, well, you just went out on like, yeah, I think I've done that before. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And then like maybe had a song playing. Oh, thanks. No, how old are you?

Like thirty three. No, I was a no, it was like twenty one. Yeah, that's about the age I was. But it's just the kind of thing where I feel like it's like as you hang up, you're like, what the fuck did I like it almost immediately? You're like, I should kill myself. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're like, I I need I need to I need to kill her. You're that fucking voice.

OK, see, there it is. That's why I turned you into the police. I'm going to go steal this woman's phone so that she can never hear this. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. But he has some awareness that it's not cool because he's like, I hope this isn't for you, which is, you know, that's not a good idea. He does know he does know. And he probably what happens is he has the thought right before.

He's like, oh, this could come across as scary or weird. But then he's like, but you know what? I feel so such that that love, oh, my God, that NRE. Yeah, yeah, yeah, relationship energy. And he's just like sent. Yeah. And then in his in his dream mind, he's like, it's going to be the best reception back. She's going to be like, oh, my God, I loved waking up to this.

That's what he that guy's so long. Have you ever done that? Is there a message like that? Oh, yeah. Countless times. I mean, I was. Countless. But I feel like more like middle school, junior high. Yeah. Yeah. You're like figuring it out and you're just so terrible.

But yeah, it's that immediate. Like, but yeah, it was like a you can't go back. And this is before you could even like, did you like your message? It was before that stuff where it was just like, well, this is it. So you keep kind of like that guy where it's like, but he could have edited that work, done it over. But it's like, you just keep going. You're like, I got to dig out of this hole.

So you keep going in deeper and deeper. And but but that guy had options. I know he doesn't scare you. If you say that, then it's fucking terrifying, dude. I hope it doesn't scare that. I also have already declared my love for you. Yeah. That's also something I've done before. You go out on a date.

You're like, I'm pretty sure I love you. They're like, ah, dude. I one time, I think I told you this story. Oh, this woman got so afraid of me. So we hung out one night in New Orleans. We met on the streets of Austin after it wasn't Katrina, but whatever was before that. And she was just like, I had to like get out of town.

She's in Austin parting, run into her. We hit it off. She's real cute. We go for you. Like, I'll give you a place to stay if you fuck me. No, no, I was like, she was only in for that night. But I was like, I was randomly going to be in New Orleans two weeks later for the first time. And she's like, hit me up. Let's hang out.

So I go, I hang out with her. I mean, she was just she was stunning. We had a really good time. And then we make out. Some stuff happens and it was right after that movie. Punch Truck Love came out. Right. And there's a there's a scene.

I love that movie. It's great. And there's a line that Adam Sandler says, you're so beautiful. I just want to smash you in the face with a sledgehammer. Yes. And I said that to her and without context, if she has not seen the film, yeah, yeah, she immediately was like, well, we're going like she her whole demeanor just changed.

And she she somehow gave me a ride back to the hotel, which she didn't have to die. If I if it were a reverse and I didn't know the context, I'd be like, get the fuck out. Yeah, but she still gave me a ride, but didn't say one word. The whole ride I said a similar thing to her. Second date, third date or something like that.

10 years later, married two kids. I don't hear the red flag. I was like, I'm so into you. I want to put your head through that dresser. Yeah. And like, and smash it against the wall. She was like, OK. Congrats.

Yeah. Almost 10 years. But you didn't call the cops then. So that's a big plus. I didn't think about staying married to you now. But it was a red flag. I did laugh because I was like, well, we're comedians. So that's funny.

By the other hand, I was like, but it's really violent. I'm not sure I should. But that's also like, you see a baby. You're like, you're so fucking cute. I just want to smash your fucking face in. I remember when we were going to that one, do you remember it was like in a strip mall, a Silver Lake restaurant where they would make things off the menu?

Do you remember this place? It was like a very small restaurant. And it was like a guy who was the head chef at another restaurant, opened his own restaurant. I'm vaguely sorry. Anyways, I remember sitting in that restaurant and ordering stuff that is not on the menu that we'd learned from going there a couple times

and describing, I'm being like, and we were there with another couple with us. I go, this food is so good. You're going to want to go in the kitchen and beat the shit out of the guy that's right there. And this guy at another table turned to me. He goes, a hundred percent. He was, he got it.

But yeah, I guess it wasn't the smartest thing to say three days. Well, as you can see audience listening, my husband has a long history of declaring violence, senseless violence on me, on restaurantiers, restaurant tours, chefs. I sent that same girl like a letter later to kind of try to apologize, but it probably came off as like that guy's video, I'm sure.

Oh yeah. They ended with chow and I hope this isn't crazy, but when you try to follow up on something like that, yeah, no, no, sure to let it go. Oh, there's so many of those Nike memes and it's, you know, now they're like played out, but yeah, there's an FGTRTD. First good dick.

No, first good time replaces that dick. Yeah. Try it out. Try it out. Just try it out. There's the one where they made the guy, the try it out guy and it just says, just try it out. That's so hard at that.

Yeah, Instagram guy. We're talking about Instagram. People are making memes of the new Nike thing with your mom's house references. So check out our Instagram accounts. I'm the Christina P and Thomas Segura Tom, right? Yeah. Doug, what's your, by the way, I have to let you guys know,

I'm a huge Instagram as we know fan. I love Doug Mallard's Instagram. They're so funny. I love your posts. So what's your address or whatever the fuck it's called? Just add Doug Mallard, M-E-L-L-A-R-D. Oh my God. People never get it right.

I love your posts. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I love that people have, now it seems like my, all my fucking Nike stuff is like a political statement. Oh yeah. They're like, you're saying fuck Nike, but for other people, I'm like, yeah, yeah, totally unrelated to any of this shit, man.

Yeah. Well, you're like the king of dry. So like, yeah, people never know. If it's, yeah. Well, they're FGTRTDs because they don't know. That's right. That's what the definition is, right? Apparently there's a, what is this guy?

Is this the dad champ? You've seen the Steven Seagal music videos, right? What, you mean like him playing guitar? Yeah, he has albums out. Yeah, my God. Yeah. You just, ugh. No, thank you.

Staying alive, one of your favorites. I think there's another video of him. Stay United, Stay United. That looks good. Yeah. It looks good. Woof! There's two of us.

Wow. There's great plug for that restaurant. Woof! See, we have multiple videos of this guy. Wow. Right? Yeah, why wouldn't you? I'm saying like from sent in, from air, like we've seen this guy sing Stay United, Stay United, Stay United, Stay United many times.

We don't know what city he's in. Gotta find that restaurant. Yeah. Let's do some detective work. What is it called? La Teresa? Yeah. I think the... And he says some...

La Teresa. La Teresa. And this is Restaurante. Restaurante. Now what I liked about this video is he got a nice new haircut. Yeah. He looked fresh. We got close up of the mouth.

I got to really see those teeth that look like candy corn, just four of them. And we got a neat burp at the end. Yeah, it's cool. Yeah, it's pretty nice. I think I've seen that guy in some print ads for sure. For this restaurant? No, for some like modeling stuff. What if this was his restaurant's ad?

It's amazing. Come down to us. La Teresa. Upon first search, typing that in, it takes me to three places in Spain. He thinks he's... It could be. I don't know. Oh, no way. What does he say at the end, Tommy? Is he speaking Espanol?

I didn't hear it. Let's try it again. He's speaking Spanish. Translate. He's speaking a Spanish. He's speaking a Spanish. Let's see. I don't think he's speaking anything. I heard guitar.

That's it. Guitar. But he could be speaking like Catalan, like a regional dialect, you know? He's drunk. He's speaking. You think he drinks? He looks like a guy that used to hang out outside of my apartment in Koreatown. They would always just be passed out playing with his belly button. I missed that guy a little bit.

Hey, you're in Koreatown? Do you have the guy at the bus stop who Sharpies has bearded in? No. Is he still around there? Oh, I'm not there anymore. Oh, okay. Hopefully, yeah. Hopefully so, yeah.

Hopefully he's still there. If you live in Koreatown in LA, hit me up if you know. It's a black thick marker. Yeah. And there's the bearded lady in Silver Lake. Let me know if she's still around. And there's a bunch of, there's a few people that kickyfoot in their wheelchairs. Oh, yeah.

Kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick. And you're like, oh, your legs work pretty well. And they just kickyfoot around. But it's easier than walking. It is easier. There's a dude in Silver Lake now that like, he's always on a little scooter. And at one point, the McDonald's near us burnt down. And so they had their giant M just on the ground.

And he's a friend of our song. He rolls up on his little rascal. I don't even think he needs it. Like he's just lazy or whatever. Gets up off the rascal, gets the M, puts it on his shoulder and just zips off. And it's right outside of his house. See, this is why I miss Silver Lake. Yeah.

It's pretty great. Because they had such a great bevy of weirdos. You don't see it in the burbs here. No, there was a Silver Lake walker. I don't know if that may be before your time. This guy was a doctor, a medical doctor, but he would eat like crap and apparently would spend about 12 hours a day just walking through Silver Lake shirtless in these turquoise shorts.

There's even a mural dedicated to him on the sunset. There's the pink guy. I've seen the pink guy. He wears all pink. There's the purple lady at Michael's Arts and Crafts. Whoa. I fucked her. Yeah.

I'm talking about this in my act now, actually, because it's so in my brain. The people who do speakerphone conversations in public. Fucking assholes. And this lady, Rita, sent us this. She's a dental hygienist. Yeah. And one of her patients took two calls during his cleaning. No.

How do you even do that? So people are super conscious of their time and they don't want us to take their time. But yet this patient, while I literally had my hands in their mouth, had to answer the phone. No. We flip it open, speakerphone. No girl. So speakerphone moments.

So this is my operatory and I have this partition and there's the chair next to me. So not only did I get to hear the patient's conversations, but I had two other people next to me that get to hear the patient's conversation as well. What? So again, speakerphone and inappropriate in public places. Love you guys. Good afternoon, fitness. Stay united.

Girl, but I mean, come on. I think she should be able to do it right back. While she's doing it. Just like we'll fuck. I'll fight fire with fire and just let that lady panic. Like my dentist is not maybe I should get off this. The level of fucking obliviousness. People are great.

Yeah. All of them. Yeah. All people are great. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I'm actually. Oh sorry.

No, no, I was gonna say that I'm so surprised that a medical professional listens to this video. Oh, we've been hit up by. I didn't know that. We got a top tier doctor. Really? Guy sent me. Really?

Yeah. He sent me a message about, he's like, I can answer all your dick questions. And he goes, don't use my name. I'm like a urologist at this. And he sent me pictures. Oh, wow. He's like, he's like drinking and zippers don't go well together. Dick's caught zippers.

Holy shit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm, I'm, I can't believe it. She's such a nice, sweet lady. Yeah. Smart.

I mean, I didn't know that she would like farts and stuff is what I'm saying. The level of disrespect to that guy. Oh, it's preposterous. Yeah. It's really crazy. Preposterous. But I do that. I FaceTime.

Well, I shit and all that. At the airport. Yeah. The airport, you know, just let it, just scream it now, but you hear that at the airport a lot. Yeah. Yeah. I've recorded people having conversations, having shit.

All the time. Arguments. Yeah. Yeah. And like. The greatest is, um, you know, you'll be at an airport bag. The airport bathroom. There's international shits happening.

Yeah. Just flush, flush, flush, just noise. And a guy would be like, it's Craig. Yep. Uh, we're about to get on the 12, 25, the Dallas and I will send it like toilet flush. And he's like, if you don't get those files, you know, um, we're going to be in big trouble with him. Like you're doing this call right now.

Dude. Could you please hold? Yeah. Just shits and farts and flushing and people yelling at their kids. And you're like, you, why wouldn't you just put this call off two minutes, man? No, people are animals. Time is running. I don't mean to belittle our audience.

I just, that lady seems so sweet. It's mine. They really are taken by this. Do you know what I mean? Like I just. But they all are. They all are. But I just, I, yeah.

No, that was like abnormally normal. Yeah. I'm like, you like our show. It's amazing. I love it. Um, you're so smart. Doug, where can people sweet to you coming up here? Oh, I got a couple of fun LA shows.

I want to plug a golden hour to be fun, but I can't think of the venue. And then, uh, stories in LA at, uh, good heroin stories. Oh, good heroin. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's a website. Just at Doug mother.com or just find me on all social media and yeah, you can find

me. He's very, very funny. Uh, I took him to a bunch of cities. You always make me laugh, man. Um, it's, uh, it's great that he has a second album. It's far too far to fart harder. Um, man, you really came to the right podcast. Yeah.

I feel like it would be home. Yeah. Of course, man. This is long overdue. Um, congrats on getting married. Congrats on having a new album. Uh, go see Doug, follow him on social media and, um, I think that's, that's about anything else, plug anything to say.

Uh, no, I love you guys. The closing song is by DJ big word and it's called Christina P. The psycho. Here we go. Oh, great. Here we go. I haven't heard it. Here we go. Here we go.

Thank you, Doug. Thank you everyone for listening and we'll see you next week by Jean. Put some respect on my name. I like you so much. I like you so much. I just want to gouge your eyes out. I want to squish your face and kill you with this ledge hammer. I just want to smash your goddamn head in.

Son of a bitch! There were red flags. Red flags. Red, red, red flags. Red, red, red, red, red flags. Little stuff. Dead animals behind your apartment building. Psycho fucking lunatics.

Functioning psychopath. The serial killer of Tom. Complete lack of emotion. Thank you. Oh my god. Oh my god. Yeah. We're getting crazy.

God damn. Oh my god. Psycho. Psycho. Fucking lunatics. Psycho fucking lunatics.