Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 467-H3 Ethan & Hila Klein-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: September 26, 2018

Pull your jeans up over your head. This one is a smasher. It's one thing to pretend to be disabled. It's another to do it so effectively that three separate caretakers change your diaper and wash your beans. Should we condemn or celebrate this disturbed man? Are Bert and Ernie gay? Uh, yeahhhh. Plus we finally solve the FGTRTD mystery, we read your emails and above all else we are beyond thrilled to have Ethan and Hila Klein of H3 Podcast in studio with us.  They are delightful, hilarious and sweet to no end. Learn how these two Ted's fell in love, rose to fame on YouTube and more.  Try it out!

Yum Yum Yum Chips in a bowl. Chips in a bowl. That's a big, big news. That's not going to be separate from the stuff in January. That's the tour. This part of the tour is what you're saying. This is called branding.

We're branding it starting in 2019. But yeah, you're seeing the new hour, obviously, if you're coming to these shows in the next couple of months. There's a lot of cities. I'm not going to list them all. And by the way, this is the most fun part of, like, posting something and explaining it in detail. Yeah.

It's like I post, here's the first leg of the tour. But don't worry, 20 more cities are coming. International markets. Canada too. First comments. How come Toronto's not on the list? Right. Why aren't you coming to Minneapolis?

Right. Dude, I am. I am. Why can't you read? Why come? Why come you're not coming to Canada? I just told you why. It says in the thing a full Canadian tour is coming.

Damn it. But what about Vancouver? How come you're not here? Maybe your fans can't read. Maybe they can. Mine can. No, I'm serious. How come you're not coming to Austin?

Bitch, I'm coming to Austin. It's obviously going to be the second half. Yeah. What is the face of art? How do you fart in here? I don't understand these. What is the words on the poster? And he's like, what is the quality of these?

Anyway, no, I am really excited. I added a fourth show in Philly if I didn't mention that. A fourth show? Yeah. A fourth art show. At the Merriam Theater. Get your life. Those are all on sale now.

Go to TomSquare.com, click on the tour. It all goes on sale Friday. This Friday, the entire tour is on sale. Thank you all, your mom's house listeners for support. I appreciate it. Jean, what do you got? What will you be going to Boise? Boise seed?

Are you coming to Boise? Oh, I also got like, it would be cool if you came to Boise. And I go, but I'm there like in a couple of weeks. Oh, I didn't look at that. So what are you suggesting people do? Read your calendar online, perhaps? Dude, I mean, it's in the fucking caption of the post. Okay.

All right, go ahead. Okay, mommies. November 24th in Man Diego, California. My 7pm show is sold the fuck out. We've added a 10pm show, House of Brews. November 24th, that's after the holidays. Listen, your family's over. It's time to get the fuck out of the house.

That's Saturday. You know what I'm saying? I know what you're saying. Drag them to the show, bring them out or run away from your family and come see me do my brand new hour. It's not stuff. I have a Netflix special coming out in October. It's going to be different from that shit.

That's awesome. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Never not grinding. Seven days a week, y'all. Also hard. December 7th, fill her up Delphia at the punchline. That one's almost sold out.

It looks like we're going to be adding a 10pm show as well. Jewdork titties December 8th, sold out 8pm show. Added a 1030 show at the Gramercy Theater in Jewdork titties. Tickets at Christina P. Onland. You know what I'm saying? I'm writing produce and direct and all that shit. That's what's up. Okay.

Man, I'm so ready. This is such an exciting episode. It's very exciting. We have friends joining us. Yeah. We have a lot to cover. A lot of things to discover. What is face farting?

Face fart. I like what you call her. It's a face fart. What is... I don't... What is face farting? Face fart. You can infer what face farts are by the thing called face fart.

You should try it. You should try it. My specialty is face farting. My specialty is face farting. What is face farting? I don't know. How do you say face fart? Can you make a show for me?

So I process face farting. So stupid. So stupid. All right, Gene. Let's press play. Let's get going. Ready? Go for it.

Let's do it. This is one of the more bizarre stories we've seen in a very, very long time. A Gilbert man is accused of duping caregivers into thinking that he was special needs and then paying them to change his diaper and bathe him. Yes. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving for this. Don't burn me in the fucking stand!

Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura. Tom Segura. And Christina Pajitcin. Christina Pajitcin. Welcome to your mom's house. Yeah.

Yeah. I love this guy. Change my diaper. Now, do you think he was wearing a diaper like that's his thing? And he's like, God, this is so tedious changing these diapers. I need help. The caregivers, I read this article. Well, let's show you some stuff first.

Yeah. But it's pretty great. I'll tell you what I read in the article. Yeah, Mark, it is one of the more bizarre stories that I've reported on. Police say a grown man who had caregivers help change his diaper and bathe himself really never needed help at all. What? What's your full name and date of birth?

My name's Paul Anthony Michalka, August 18th, 1987. Police say this man, 30-year-old Paul Michalka, pretended to have Down syndrome. Okay. According to court documents, he posed as a woman named Amy on a website called carelings.com, looking for caregivers to change his diaper and bathe him regularly. A total of three caregivers would end up falling for this scheme. Can I ask you something so far? Where's the harm?

Well, here's the harm. I mean, let's just say- What's the problem here? I mean, let's just say, like, he didn't stiff them on pay. No, but he's posing as special needs. I agree- So where's the harm? Can't he just be like, look, I enjoy wearing a diaper.

I want someone to change it. Do you think it's a fetish? Is that what this is? Yeah. And it's sexual- I mean, he's not going to a dumb, like, misface-farter. Right. Which is probably who he should have gone to.

But at the end of the day, I mean, they're just changing his dye dye and bathing him. But they're real caregivers. Like, it's a manipulation. It's not cool. It's not nice. But- But he posed as somebody named Amy. I think that's-

No, so Amy, I think, was the online thing where he was like- I'm Amy. I'm Amy. Can you help, you know, Chris or whatever? Oh, he's the caretaker of the special needs special- Yeah. So what is his special needs? I don't understand it.

A face of heart is the same? A change of mind. So he leaves documents state the caregivers became suspicious when he aggressively would state he needed to be cleaned better in certain areas. Okay, so here's the- Okay, here it goes. I need to get cleaned better down there. Down there.

There's always a pervy angle with dudes. Yeah, of course. Always. So nasty. There's no limits to how far we will go. Why are- What's the difference though? So nasty.

Why aren't you guys as nasty? Because we don't- Because you guys are in the power position in society. You guys are the ones who can rape and kill and torture. But that's why- And we're the ones that are submissive because of our physical strength, I think. That's my theory. But what does that have to do with why is it-

Why are we so nasty? I can't manipulate you. Like, you can manipulate me, right? Like, if I don't give you what you want, you can forcibly hold me down and hurt me. Jesus. So like- What an example. That's why you fuck with people.

It's a power thing. But why does Louis C.K. jerk off in front of people? Do you know what I'm saying? It's a power thing. So this guy is just flexing his power? Yeah. He's just like, clean me better downstairs. But he has to-

You have to do it special needs. But you have to do it more better. It's dirty still. Yeah. There you go. Right. You have to do it like for his gum. Mama said that if you have a dirty chocolate backside, then you can't sit for dinner in

the supper that mama made. Right. Like this guy was basically doing a forest gump impression the whole time. Sure. So, I mean, do you think like he would drop character sometimes? Probably. Wait a minute. Oh, I'm sure they were like, hmm.

You're not special. Probably. Yeah. The article I read was that they were bathing him, that all three caregivers were like, every bathing, he had an erection for every bathing. That's weird. You mean this guy is just not a straight up, needs a diaper change? The report says one caregiver followed Menchaca and knocked on the front door.

It states she was greeted by his parents, who later confirmed to police their son does not have Down syndrome and did not need assistance with bathing or using the restroom. They had to confirm it with the parents. That's pretty funny. You've been washing your son's nuts and these nuts ain't FGTRTD, but this is what Menchaca said to the judge. I do have a low IQ level and my mom has paper, my mom and dad both have paperwork to prove that.

How? I'm starting to talk to my dad about getting me some help and getting me into a counselor. He does have a low IQ. Does that not qualify? I don't know. I think just the way that he even stated that shows his IQ is too high to be low IQ. You mean like if you know you have? No, I'm not saying you can't, like if you had a low IQ, you could be aware of it, but

I just feel like he has too much awareness to be as low IQ as he's claiming. After I delivered Julian, I had a such low IQ. This nice nurse washed my vagine for me and she did not lick it up, but it was one of the most wonderful things. Once I got over the humiliation, the embarrassment of it, I was like, I could get used to this. Having it cleaned? Someone else doing it. I would love for someone to come wash my backside.

Right. And put a dye dye on you. That'd be great. I don't know if I want to shit in my diaper though. This guy does. I know. You really gotta love it. You gotta love the game.

I wouldn't mind peeing in a diaper, but I think you're right. Browns are like, then it mashes up against you and everything. Yeah, bad. But I still would like the sponge bath. Yeah. And then I go wash more down there. It needs more soap. You need to make it more clean.

It's still dirty down there. And then I just look to the side. It's still dirty. And she goes, I think it's clean. Now I go, no, still dirty. Yeah, like that. He was waiting. One of the victims also spoke out.

It has affected my work as well. I've actually missed work for that. And I think that it should be held with either a substantial bond amount or where he would not be released until the next court date because I fear for my safety in regards to that as well as my family and friends because I did bring my family and friends around him. So now it's actually worse than I thought. Those caregivers are so vulnerable. These people are angels that do work like this, that show up at some stranger's house.

They're totally in the vulnerable position here. Like my goodness, this poor woman. Touch my poo poo, is your diaper. We knocked on the door to see if the family would speak with us. Oh, you think they didn't answer. Oh, no kidding. He's facing 10 counts of sexual abuse among other charges, he'll be back in court on September 17th.

I didn't know this. Reporting live, Courtney Griffin, Fox 10 News. He's facing 10 counts of sexual abuse. I thought he was just facing like a posing, you know. As a special needs person? No, just like, I don't know, some type of impersonation charge. I didn't realize it was. It's abuse though, to make these women, I'm assuming.

What these, face far, face far, let me explain. A face far, you're a copious. This is, this was in the, on the, on the television, going down to third base, nice play Machado, you'll make the throw over, Pujols is retarded. Pujols? Yeah. That's you. I know.

The Albert Pujols of comedy. Pujols is a R worded? That's what it sounded like. I want to say it. Sounds like it. Play it again. I want to hear it. Pujols is retarded.

I mean. What? It sounds like they should focus on this man. There needs to be outrage. We have to get that man fired. How dare you say, he's Dominican. You don't call him R worded. What does that have to do with his mental?

Yeah, he's still a baseball player. Treat him with respect. Jesus. Pujols is retarded. Gosh. Super disrespectful. Yeah. How old is Albert Pujols now for real?

He's been around a minute, right? Yeah. He was close to my age, so he's probably 63 now. Yeah. Yeah. The pool. What show is it I wanted to watch with you last night and you said it wrong. I've been making funny all day.

Oh, Sharp Objects. I said the Sharp Objects. Yeah. You go, are we going to watch the Sharp Objects? I'm like, babe, it's not the show. But then I started, you didn't catch what I started doing. I started looking at other titles. And I said the in front of all of them.

I got you. Of course I saw. How many titles have you? Gosh. You want to finish the Ozarks? The Ozarks? Oh my God, I have not. I swear to you.

Do you ever feel like with certain, especially because we work in comedy and we're comedians and we're just around it all the time, you forget how funny some people, you take it for granted because they've been around for a minute. You know what I mean? Yeah. How talented, how funny some people are. Yeah. Where you go, somebody brings them up, you're like, yeah, you know, of course.

Yeah, they're awesome. But then you're like, whatever. Because it's like, it's in your head that they've been around. You watching your own specials again and you're like, I'm blown away by me. No. I am blown away by Sasha Baron Cohn. Oh my, me, I was thinking the same thing. You forget how fucking talented that guy is.

We finally got around to starting Who Is America. Oh my God. The Who Is America, his Showtime series that came out earlier this year. Actually, I ran into Metzger, Kurt Metzger a couple of weeks ago at the store. Yeah. And he's a writer on this. Yes, I saw his name on the credits. And we were talking briefly about he's like, oh, you haven't seen it?

I go, no, he was like, and it, I think it's actually what prompted me to finally do it because he's so, Kurt's so funny that when he said, like I could tell how much joy he got from working on and seeing the show, I was like, I got to check this out. I have laughed harder watching four episodes of that so far than anything I can recall in the last couple of years. Yeah. That's how funny that guy is to me. He's amazed.

He does these other characters. For those of you who don't know who Sasha Baron Cohn is, he's the guy that did Ali G and Bruno. Borat. And Borat and the dictator. I mean, and then he's doing One Who Is America and he's got these great characters. One is a left wing NPR, ultra liberal. So funny.

He's like, I'm a privileged white male. He says, I think the most dangerous chemical in the world is testosterone. And then. And he has like a big pot belly and he has a ponytail and he, you know, he goes around interviewing conservative people. And then he's got like ultra conservative characters. He says one thing that he's trying to take back the word pedophile. He's like, because I love kids.

So I'm proud to call myself one. And this guy's like, no. He's like, yeah, yeah, let's reclaim that word. And he's like, you're a pedophile too. And the guy's like, stop saying that. But he has so many great, he has a, and like a Alex Jones like character where the thing says library, truth, Barry. And that's truceberry.org.

And he has these nutty conspiracy theories. Yeah. Then he has that Israeli, Sergeant. Yeah. Terrorist training. It's so, but like the scenarios are so ridiculous, but he's just so fucking funny, man. Well, what's scary too is that he finds actual politicians and he fucks with them.

And you see how super r-worded a lot of our representatives are in government. Yeah. It's terrifying. How they are not, like one of them takes, it takes no encouragement for him to just shout the n-words. Yeah. Like with television cameras rolling. Yeah, dope.

And he had to retire. He had to resign after this. Yeah, I know. It's crazy. Yeah. Yeah. Crazy. Screaming it.

Yeah. It's fantastic. Is it Showtime or HBO? Showtime. Showtime. Man, that's Sasha Baron Cohen. He's married to a funny lady too. What's her name?

Is that Amy Adams? No, Isla Fisher. Isla Fisher. She's funny too. Yeah, she is. I love when comedy people get married. Yeah. That's great.

He is so funny. And I cannot endorse that show enough. And I don't know if that show is getting enough credit and I feel like it's not. I don't think it is. I think part of it too is they're like, ah, it's Sasha Baron Cohen. Like, some people are just like, oh, that guy who does the thing. But you see what he's doing in this and it's so fucking funny. I do feel like he's been kind of written off in a way.

That's what I'm saying. But his movies don't they do well? Did the dictator do well or I don't know why? I think the dictator did fair. I think it was probably in comparison to Borat, which crushed the box office. Oh, Borat was amazed. But they always, you know, you're always weighed upon like what your last movie did. Yeah.

And Anne, I bet you it's hard to do this show because so many people recognize him. For sure. That's why he's in like incredible prosthetics. Really good for this show. I was like, damn, I wouldn't. Well, they probably spent a day getting him in each, you know. How could you imagine? Oh my God.

What a nightmare. He goes to some kind of rural town in Arizona. Yeah. And tells them he's got great news that the worlds or like the second biggest mosque in the world in their town. But the funny thing is that also people do not care to hide who they are. Yeah. With cameras there.

No. They're like, what the fuck? We don't want a mosque here. He's like, no, it's going to be great. It's going to be like a first class mosque. And they're like, we don't give a shit. And then he's like, here's a look at the future of what it's going to be like on your streets. And it's like, you know, men walking their camels everywhere wearing those, you know,

robes. I don't know what the male version. Things are written. It's all in Arabic. Yeah. It's so funny. And they're so pissed. Yeah.

So pissed. What's really interesting is they revealing just how racist Americans are against Middle Easterners and Muslims. So is like every other segment of that show. Is that every other segment? You're like, wow, everyone's really racist. Yeah. It's a good show.

Yeah. It's pretty, pretty great, man. He's great. Now, have you been watching a new murder show or as I like to say, studying for the future? No. You're all out. You're all out. Yeah.

You finished Ozark. I'm behind. Yeah. I finished it. It's great. God damn it. So what are you watching? What's the new serial killer lineup?

They're not. I'm actually getting into some spiritual stuff. Get, no. I am. I am. I'm trying to get in touch with that other side. I found this pastor that I'm really into. I swear.

Oh, Shanaka Hamilton. How do you pass the incursion? Be aware of problems. We are definitely living in our last eight. Well, bitch, let me tell you something. You must be a bitch. Like, sure. Yes, I cuss.

I'm the cussing pastor while your motherfucking pastor ain't doing a goddamn thing. I like him already. See, that's why I'm into him. I'm the cussing pastor that used my platform to raise $6,000 for this mother who was going through a plight while these other ignorant ass, non-functioning ass pastors wasn't doing a motherfucking thing in this city. Right. Now, if that bothers you that I'm a cussing pastor, then get your motherfucking ass off my

damn page. Plain and damn simple. See, I don't play. It's about being real. It's about the truth. And I don't give a damn what none of you bitches said. And none of you ho-ass nickels either. Yeah.

Lot of... I love it. Lot of pastors don't talk like him. No. But I like that he talks like this. I mean, does it say in the Bible you can't curse? Does it say that shit? I don't think it says ho-ass n-word.

No. But it doesn't say you can't curse. Yeah, God never said thou shalt not curse. That's not one of the commandments. That's true. God is real. God is real. God blesses.

God blesses what, Tom? Well, you mean to find... No, please. It was a different time when we could record that. It's about telling the truth just like it is. So bitch, I'm going to take you off the page so you don't have to worry about it. See, I'll be worried about the wrong thing. You curse.

Yes, I curse. Hell, Jesus probably curse. That's right. Jesus be sitting up and having a look at you, ignorant ass, nick roses in. Damn, I made that fool. I love him. Can I tell you because there is this misconception that... This language thing is silly.

It's silly that people who don't curse are better or more moral than people that do curse. It's just, it's nonsense. Your morality has nothing to do, right? No. It's so silly. There are great people. Like we always have this thing about in comedy. The scariest comics are the ones who are squeaky clean.

Look at Bill Cosby, the psycho number one. Yeah. And the thing in the cylinder. Hey, hey, hey. Yeah. No, it's true. It is true. He's the biggest asshole of them all.

For sure. Yeah. He's a serial rapist. Yeah. But it is true. He's clean. And then he's very clean. And then these really depraved acts that say the nastiest filthiest thing.

Nasty, sure. Usually the sweetest, most trustworthy, approachable people. David Tell. Yeah. I'd say... Total sweetheart. One of the nastier acts. Oh, you gotta be so nasty, David.

But one of the nicest human beings alive. Yeah. Trying to think who else is nasty. So nasty. So nasty that we know. You're kind of nasty. I'm a little nasty. People would say that you and I are kind of nasty.

But I'm a sweet boy. We're the nicest people. I'm a sweet boy. We're the nicest. Yeah. I'm way nicer than you. I'm the nice champ. You are the nice champ.

You just gave that to me like that? You could take nice. Really? I think people would disagree if they met us. That's not true. People approach me all the time and are always nice to them. I'm never not nice to people who approach me. Really?

Of course. But you're not... You're a little standoffish sometimes. I don't think I'm standoffish. I'm saying I'm not going out there like, Hello, you wreck it? I'm not that. I'm not soliciting attention.

I'm not... Yeah. No, I don't solicit it either. No, I know you do. But I'm saying if anyone ever approaches me, I always am really nice to them. So am I. I'm the manners champ though.

I have better manners than you. You know that's not true. That's not true. It's just out of ignorance though. I'm just not as classy. I wasn't raised as classy as you. So you would at least tip your hat my way for that. You're like the...

I mean, yeah, yeah. I would say that you're like the decorum champ. Like you know how to act right. I don't know how to act right in a lot of situations. But that's just cause I was raised like a fucking animal. Yeah, I've told you in certain situations. I've been like, what are you doing right now? You gotta...

And you're like, oh, all right. All right. Or sometimes I'll ask you. I'll ask you. Like how do I act normal? Like what do normal... What would a normal person do here? But you've helped me.

I was just telling somebody the other day, like you made me a normal human being. You kind of... You taught me how to be American and civilized. I was a Hungarian wild dog before. Yeah, and now... Now I'm a fucking lady. I'm a mom.

Yeah. I'm a mother of two. This just came in and I haven't read it. Let me guess. No. Tom is bad. Is right. No, no.

I think you're gonna like it. Look, you can read it. I haven't read it, but I just started reading it. How am I damn glass as I forgot them. Okay. Tom is not writer die is the subject. Hi, mommies. I was watching episode 465 and you were discussing whether Christina was a true writer die if

she would turn Tom in for murder. I was later discussing this with my boyfriend and he brought up a very interesting point. Tom is the true betrayer of the right or die relationship. This is because Christina said she would only turn Tom in for a premeditated killing and in this scenario, Tom is the first one to betray the relationship loyalty because he did not disclose the planning of the murder. As we know from all of Tom's psycho murder shows, all premeditated killings involve a planning phase therefore upon Tom planning to kill a barista that got his venti iced coffee

extra ice with a splash of soy. Order wrong. Uh-oh. This guy got it wrong. Splash a hole, but yeah. He would tell Christina his plan if he was a true writer die. Therefore, Tom, Yana is not a true writer die so Christina would not have to maintain her writer die status after the murder and can turn him in.

Absolutely love your podcast. Keep them high and tight. Don't beat me. Rub, rub, rub. Shelby from Canada. Oh, thank you. Shelby from Canada. I mean, it's kind of...

Here's...let's discuss for real. Sure. It's kind of an interesting point. I guess we're kind of conflating though, different scenarios together. It's a big word. Well, I'm saying so there could be the idea that I'm...I have a premeditated planned... Yes. ...thing that usually would take place...that would be like the stalking period.

Lying and wait. Yeah. Lying and wait. Okay, so that's one scenario. That's another scenario where I see the barista so it's not necessarily pre-planned. It's more of a... A crime of passion. Yeah.

Now, but I told you in that case I might help you out. Because it's a...you fucked up in the moment. Correct. And I would take mercy on your soul and I would go, all right, let's figure this shit out. Because we got kids. However, Yana, I would probably still have to leave because if you're capable of that kind of crime of passion with a barista, I'm going to be next or the children.

So I'd help you get rid of the body and then I'd leave you. But premeditation, I'm calling cops 9-1-1, bro. You're done. Well... Because you're out of your fucking mind. You need to be taken off the streets. Yeah. I guess I would say it's safe to say that you're not an FGTRTD because the real, for those

of you who have been playing this game all along and were wondering and guessing, what does it mean? We finally can tell you. It means for girls that ride till death. And there's a very limited number of FGTRTDs out there for girls that ride till death. And here, now you have your own, it should be 1L here, but it's correct in the shirt, for girls that ride till death. Women's black tea, it's for women only.

It's I think a great gift if you're a guy and you want to salute your lady for being a ride or die. Yeah. Her very own FGTRTD shirt. Now this is a shirt for the ladies only. It's ladies only. So this is a women's cut shirt and I'll describe it for those listeners who are not watching us on YouTube.

It's got the letters FGTRTD and what's that font called, kind of a gothic? It is kind of gothic. Kind of rad cholo type and then it says for girls that ride till death, under it with a chain. It's for hardcore girls. It's really cool. I like it. I like it.

I like it. Ride it for yourself. It's ladies only. It's, you know, you're the ultimate FGTRTDs, you're ladies that stay by your man just because he's off someone. Are you saying I'm not an FGTRTD? Clearly not. Clearly not.

Yeah. Oh, by the way, you remember this dude who was like, hey, what's cracking? What's cracking? What's cracking? And he wants, you know, he wants chicks to, he wants any chick of any race to come to his house. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Hey, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, what's cracking? What's cracking? What's cracking out there? Hey, listen, black, white, brown, Asian. That whole thing? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I was hoping to forget him. We're talking about get wet and I was like, well, I mean, the way I know get wet means PCP. Uh, Santino was saying dipping a joint in formaldehyde. Sure. Okay.

So I always knew it was PCP. He said formaldehyde. Guess what it actually is for this man? What? It's water. What? He loves water. No.

I swear to you. I swear to you. Gender. What the fuck? I love you all. And you know what? Water has no color. None.

None but love. If you can't have love, what the fuck are you doing? Slam some water, hit that drink and be good. Hasta la vista, baby. What? Yeah. This dude has like a pretty sizable social media following and like he has a big Twitter following.

Yeah. And get wet for him is drink a bunch of water. Um, I think he's been listening to our show. Hey, let's fucking do this together. What the fuck? This guy thinks he's the water champ? Yeah. This is fucking bullshit.

You know what? We know somebody else who drinks like that. Me? No. Someone else. But it's because he's high all day. I think he's smoking Joyce all the time. Oh, right.

Yeah, that makes sense. You know, I don't really know what gives you a better rush. Water or a drink. I have to go in water. Hey, love you. Have a good day. Stay wet. Splash those thoughts today.

Love always. Hasta la vista, baby. Yeah. He's a happy dude. He's a happy dude. Uh, he's definitely styles looking me for being water champ. Absolutely. We should see how much water this guy can really chug.

But this guy is, is like super into water. Where's your water? I'm just curious. Are you hydrating today, Tom? Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, it's Friday. Let's get this fucking weekend started. I'm about to do something that I don't know if the world has really ready for this. Okay.

Uh-huh. Pass that blunt. Boom. Hit it up, man. Top in space. You hear me? But I'm going to do it. Okay.

See? What the hell? He's all about his water. That's what I'm saying. So weird. We got to reach out to him. I guess, but I feel like he's stealing my role, my thunder. Yeah.

I'm the water champ. Did you know that that's bullshit? No. I've been drinking. Guys, watch these past episodes on YouTube. How many times do you ever see Tom drink? I give you a moment in time. A moment.

That's all I give you. I'm going to have blue band spliced together how I've been drinking so much water in the last few episodes. What I'm saying is you get a little bit while you're, while we're filming this. There's not cameras rolling 24 seven on us. Oh my God. By my bedside, how many bottles of water are there right now? I guess one.

No. Like four. Okay. Yeah. I know what that is. Oh, that's the free role. I mean the role. Sorry.

I thought it was something else. Okay. Hey, that looks really good on you. Thanks. You're teddy fresh? Yeah. Dude, pink looks really good on you. Does it?

Dude, real men wear pink. I know. Camera on does. You look, it looks actually really flattering on your skin tone. Pretty blue eyes. Maybe there's a new thing coming that I'm going to tell you about later. Okay. Hey, did I, uh, did you read that thing that, um, Burton Ernie from Sesame Street?

Did you hear that? Do you think that like, that we're, I'm new here or something? Do you think that I don't work here? I don't know. Oh, I mean, I'd be happy to do that. I mean, that's what friends are for, aren't they? Okay. To put their friends's noses back on, right?

Sure. Put my nose back on. Lean down. Lean down. Right. Hey, look at that. Look at that, Bert. Well, tell the folks what, uh, actually happened this past week.

So it came to be one of the writers, I believe of Sesame Street said that Burton Ernie are, in fact, a gay couple. And that, yes, everybody's suspicions for years that they were gay. Well, he said that, uh, he wrote on the show for years and he said that he always based writing them on his own relationship with his partner. Oh, I didn't even know that. Yeah. So he's like, I used to always think he goes, I just thought of them the way I thought of

myself and my partner. Aw. And then Sesame Street came out and was like, no. Yeah. And they were like, no, it's not. Yeah. They were like, they're just friends. Yeah.

But I don't know, this is the guy who, he's, he obviously is saying, as somebody who was writing week to week on this show. Yeah. That's how I envision it. That's how he wrote for them. Yeah. So unconsciously or whatever they are gay. Um, but if you see, Bert and Ernie, they sleep in the same room, but in separate beds,

like a 1950s couple. Yeah. Like Lucy and Ricky. Like they're kind of like a chased gay couple. It's kind of cute. Here's some more. Super cute. Clips.

Let me know if you think this is gay. Ernie. Oh, hi, Bert. Wait a minute. Ernie. You are not going to cut my hair. Oh, hey, Ernie, come on. Are you sure you know what you're doing?

Don't worry about it, Bert. I know what I'm doing. Clip-a-dee-clip. Clip-a-dee-clip. Clip. Clip. Clip. It's just a haircut.

It'll take a month for my hair to grow back, Ernie. A whole month? A whole month. What are you going to do about it? Uh, Bert, I have just, I have just the thing for you. Just a second. Oh, my hair. What's he going to do?

There you go, Bert. What is that? A book? A book won't make my hair grow faster? No, but it'll give you something to do while you're waiting. Cute. Yeah, that didn't feel gay. Not at all.

These aren't gay examples at all. I don't know why they're in here. Oh, wow. What about this one? They're in bed. Oh, I am very thirsty. That's gay. Okay.

Am I thirsty? Am I thirsty? Oh, Ernie. Ernie, if you're so thirsty, why don't you just get up and get yourself a glass of water, huh? Well, because, Bert, I'm so tired. No. The only thing I am more than tired is...

It's horny. ...thirsty. Oh. Why do they taste good? Gee. But am I thirsty? Give me that bowl. Come on.

Am I thirsty? Yes, sir. Am I thirsty? It's so cute. I do love them so much. You don't see Bert any that much. No, you don't. You don't really see them that much.

Because we watch it. Thank you, sir. And our kid likes Super Grover 2.0. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

They're cute. That's good. They're adorable. I mean, these examples did not leave me to think that there was anything gay. No. I feel like, okay, so there's a Sesame Street book we have, and they do shout-outs to them being gay, I think. Like, for instance, there's a panel we open, and it's like Bert and Ernie in the closet,

Bert and Ernie out of the closet. Yeah, that one's the best one. That's the funniest. Yeah. I mean, dude, they have to know that that's a nod to... Of course. Obviously, them being gay. It's for the parents, I think.

Yeah. And it's always in the closet. Like, Ernie's clothes are in the closet. Bert's in the closet. They do it all the time. Yeah. I see. Maybe I'm reading into it, but...

Oh, did you see that the... Remember, we showcased those guys that had the... That put up the picture at McDonald's? Yes. McDonald's found out and paid them. Yes. I read that. They gave them $25,000, I guess, as advertising fees.

They thought it was a good thing. Yeah. That's super cool. Yeah. It's pretty cool. They... I think they went on Ellen and Ellen... So, for those of you who don't remember, we showed the clip.

These Asian kids noticed that there were no portrayals of Asian people happily eating McDonald's food. At their local McDonald's. So, they took their own photos, and they put on a poster that looked identical to the other ones that McDonald's had, and they just slipped it in there, and they made a video they put on YouTube, and McDonald's didn't notice for, like, weeks and weeks until it went viral. Hilarious.

So, now they found out, and they gave these kids $25,000, which is awesome. That's a good move on their part. Do you want to see this crybaby? Yeah. Complaining about... Watch. Oh. Here, hold on.

Hold on. I was flying from the east coast to the west coast, and as going back to my seat, I passed by a young man who was looking at porn on his phone. Oh, no! Oh, no! Time to cry. I went to a local university for college. There is this thing that we started doing where we would go to a, like, an adult store,

and pick out, like, the cheesiest porn film, take it back to the dorm, and it was, like, a, like, a judging competition. Okay. Okay, so... I eat the ass and pussy all the time. I got nothing. We used to do that, too, in college. My friends and I would watch, like, butt sex porn, like, gay dudes and laugh and stuff.

We could only watch it for, like, five minutes before you're thoroughly grossed out. I mean, should we have a career off of what she's talking about? No, I know. What's the problem? I honestly don't know what the problem is right now. It was so wrong. Porn? Doing what she did, judging these people doing it, I think, watching it.

Oh, well, no, no, no, no. It was so wrong, and I knew it, and I didn't stop watching it or being a part of it, because I didn't want to be othered. She's like, it's like, there's bibles and crosses all around her. I think she had something traumatic happen. Oh, sure. I look back, and I think if only your voice was stronger, if only you could have said something.

What would you have said to them? Do you guys want to all fuck right now? Wait, to the guy on the plane watching porn. No, no, she's talking about in college when they rented the video. What the fuck is the problem here? I take that into, you know, the situation of the young man on the flight, because even, what, 36,000 feet in the air, he couldn't get away from these images. That's an addiction.

Oh, I don't know. I don't think it's an addiction so much as poor manners. You don't watch porn on a plane. That's the problem here. That is poor manners. You know, it's just human, humans have needs, and masturbation is one of those needs, right? It's neither here nor there.

Yeah, it's whatever, man. She's crybabying about that fucking nonsense? I know. You like to fuck me in my big black hair? All of these things are just like rushing over me. Like, did I really see what I thought I saw? I sat down and I just started praying. Like, God, what do I do?

There we go. Should I even do anything? You know, like, is this my responsibility? Oh, boy. You fucking short little fucking faggot. Man. Can I tell you, the big reason I'm not into religion is this nonsense. This is the worst.

Why does sex have to be demonized? I don't understand. It's the worst. Yeah, why? I so push back on this shit so hard now because I was raised in this kind of culture that I cannot help but laugh and mock this kind of nonsense. I mean... And as I was praying, I really began to feel protective over him.

To know who you are. You are God's beloved and most cherished son. But I will have you suck this dick. But do you think God is, like, looking down at the masturbators and keeping a list of who's fucking who? Of course. The wrong way. Of course he is.

And as he was coming off the plane, he looked like he was lost and so I took that as my opportunity. No. I was like, hey, are you lost? You're looking for baggage claim. And he said, no, I'm going on to another flight. And I said, okay, hey, listen, I have something to give you and I'm going to take my card.

And he took it and kind of just looked at me inquisitively and just looked at my card and I said, there's some websites and some things on there that I really think would be beneficial to you. Oh my God. You know, you have to look at it now. You can put it in your backpack, but at some point it'd be great if you look at it.

What? I just want you to know that you are worth so much more. Oh my God. Honey, I can stick my fucking tongue straight through fucking ass like a spin. Who the fuck are you to judge this guy jerking it on a plane? Well, that's the thing is that... God.

This line that comes out of these people about only God can judge and... Yeah, but then they're judging. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. It's just so hypocritical. It's always like only leave judgment to God. But by the way, let me ruin your flight today.

Your fucking day. Yeah. They're horrible. God, is there anything worse than getting one of those fucking pamphlets stuck in your front yard somewhere in your door? They came yesterday. No, I know. They always come.

Okay, I was trying to take a fucking nap. Yeah. And I heard... Hey, I want to discuss this prayer. Oh no. Okay. Get the fuck out of here with your prayers. No.

Listen, on all the problems, do you think God's got time to worry about who's touching themselves? I don't know. I mean, he definitely has a busy schedule. Yeah, there's just so many things. Think about how much his eyes probably dart when he's like, like, his secretary's like, we've got to cover masturbators right now.

He's just like, oh shit, it's going on everywhere. I'm like, yeah, I'm keeping records of everyone so you can punish them later. Ah, here we go. What about those homosexuals? Yeah, oh, they're so bad. There's so many too. And what about all the people, the premarital fuckers too?

Jeez. Yeah. Another full-time gig for God. Man, I mean, God just has nothing but just time to yell at these people. All these nuts busting everywhere and God's got to worry about every jizz, every piece of jizz. It's a problem.

It's a busy world. Where's the cum? You've got to wonder where the cum is. That's so weird. Do you see this? God doesn't care about cum. No, I don't think he does. Do you think?

I think I read a book titled God Doesn't Care about Cum Once. I don't think he's into it. You don't think so? He's not interested in how you cum. I don't think so. No, I don't think so either. Or what you eat.

That one I never understood either. God is like, pork is terrible. I hate pork. If you love me, you would never eat bacon. Yeah. Better do fish on Fridays, guys. Well, I like if you actually take the time to look up the reasons why certain cultures don't eat certain foods.

It's always tied to the time when food couldn't be preserved. Yeah, no refrigeration and stuff like that. No, that's why. And then they're like, yeah, 1,000 years have gone by, but we're just going to stick to it. What? Why? Because there's a book.

Okay. Yeah. And isn't it interesting too, like with homosexuality that... Feels so good. What were you going to say? Feels so, yeah. The Greeks were the biggest buttfuckers and kidfuckers. They loved to fuck.

They loved to fuck everybody. And the Christians came along and were like, no. But they've been buttfucking for centuries, people. Yeah. They're going to be like, it's wrong. Okay. No, it's not wrong. Humans have been buttfucking kids forever.

We've been doing it forever. I have come all over my face. Yeah. I mean, the kidfucking I don't condone, but... No, you shouldn't. The buttfucking, who cares? I think we finally... I think it actually took the last 25 years and people are kind of like,

all right, so buttfucking is all right. I mean, it's been a problem for hundreds of centuries, but now they're like, okay. You guys can buttfuck. You guys can buttfuck. It was a real kiss. It was a real kiss. I was buttfucking my mom.

It's funny you said that. It was a real kiss. It's right there. It was a real kiss. It's just like the gaze. It's just like the gaze. The gaze. They fucking the butt, too.

You see this guy that passed out, had an overdose? No. What they tried to do for him on the street? No. This is ridiculous. Oh, dear. He doesn't need milk, dude. He's fucking overdosing.

Choking. So, this dude is OD'd on the side of the, on the sidewalk, and this guy's pouring milk. Oh, dear. And people are like, he doesn't need milk. He needs a goddamn ambulance, you know? He's like, what are we, what are you doing with it? He needs ambulance.

He needs ambulance right now. Yo, he's fucking overdosing, dude. Yo, what the fuck are you doing? Yo, what the fuck are you doing? Yo, what the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing, man? Yo, what the fuck are you doing? I got the kit, I got the kit.

I called 911. I called 911. What's this that guy? Tissue? No money? Yo, let him get some time to breathe. It takes a minute to get out. He's like, give him some time.

Give him some time. Oh, the milk worked. No, no, it's fine. He don't need milk, dude. What the fuck, dawg? You just almost fucking died, dude. You just fucking saved your life. The milk.

Yeah, I guess so. Milk works every time when you OD. But check this out. Yeah, he's in a barf. Yo, he just saved your fucking life. Dude, what the fuck? He just fucking saved your life. You're a fucking...

I'm grateful. I don't know, that felt kind of contrived to me. That guy looks like he did OD. They all look like shit, but I still think it was a bit. Really? Not that I watch it, yeah. I saw the little pre-run down here. I think it was choreographed.

You look so cute in that pink beanie. I'm all about the pink hat life. Okay, looks good. Do you think orange is my new color? Orange is the new pink. I know. Yeah, it does look good, actually. Your whole gear looks fresh today.

Teddy fresh, dude. Yeah, looks real fresh. Our guests will be here shortly. Do you want to take a quick break? Let's get a goddamn snack. All right, and we'll be right back with... two guests. This is so nasty.

Nasty. All right, we're back, and look, we did what you said. We recovered in it. You said this was an even exchange. So... What? You told me put the fucking gear on, and so here we did it, all right? They're all in on the teddy fresh.

Of course, this is our brand. I said, listen, if you don't go head the toe over the top in a teddy fresh, I'm not coming on the show. It's all I'm wearing, for me. I want it so comfortable, and I love the colors. I never wear color on the show. I'm always wearing black, so this is very exciting. Me too.

You look good, honestly. You guys look so cool with it. And the over-the-shoulder style, like the young black kids are doing. No, white kids are doing it. Are they? Well, that's what happens. They do it first, then we go, hey, that looks good. I know, that's a really natural look for you,

and I think I'm going to be seeing you in a lot of photos with that. A lot of photos. Yeah. What's up, man? No, I actually love your gear. I told you that when I first met you guys. Thank you for coming over. Thank you guys for inviting us.

I was teased because I think after I did your podcast, and I talked about it on this one, I said I was with Aether. I didn't say Ethan, and a lot of people make fun of me. Aether. I think I was thinking of Hila, and then I stopped saying it. You know what I mean? I confused the two names.

You didn't think my name was Aether. I didn't think it was Aether. It just came out that way. I think it came out that way. Because nobody's named Aether. It's kind of like a combination of the two of you. I combined the two. Yeah.

Well, that's cute. I just wanted to come out and say that I know your name is Ethan. Oh, yeah. Sure. Thank you for clarifying that. Because a lot of people have been talking about that. Yeah. The whole Aether thing.

And you're worked up about it. A lot of people have been. Yeah. So thank you for clarifying that. So just so everybody knows, it's Aether with an N and Hila. Hila. I've been saying it with a heart H. You can say it both ways.

No one knows how to say it. It's fine. No, you're not a dork. You tell me. It's Hila. Hila. Oh, my God. Dog is dying.

All right. Dog Bitsy is jumping all over the mic. So Hila's name. Hila. It's like simple, but also the hardest thing to say in the world for an American. Oh, yeah. Like when I first met her in Israel, it was just like Hila. Like she puts a little twist on it.

Like Hila. And I'm like, oh, my God. How do I say that? But then when you realize it's just H-I-L-A. It's like, oh, it's just Hila. It's a pretty name. It's a pretty name. I can tell you, I'm so excited to meet another couple in the comedy podcasting world.

And you guys like each other. You love each other. Most days. I was telling Ethan that it's really inspiring to see you guys because you both have your own career and kids and dogs. And you're normal. You're like cool people. Now you guys are amazing.

No, you guys are. You guys. There's two married news teams in the Tristoria. I know. It happens now. No, you guys are seriously amazing. I love everything about you guys. Do you know what I love most about you guys?

Is your love of brown talk. That's brown town. That is all him. It's not you? I mean, I participate. I have no problem with it. Yeah. But he brought it into the table.

The thing, what I love about brown town is why I like to visit there so frequently. Is that it's this secret world and not so secret in our lives, but in most people's lives, people have their own techniques. They come from the front. They come from the back. They come from the side. They use bidets. They have baby wipes.

There's a whole wealth of knowledge that we as a society are not building upon. We write books about science, about math, about psychology, hobbies of all sorts and sizes. But there's no collective knowledge about brown. And I think that some people do it wrong. Have you been talking to my dad? Yeah. This is verbatim. Has he given this to you?

Yes. Well, he runs in your family. I know. That's special. I know, but he's always like, well, people don't talk about it more. It is secret. It shouldn't be. It's funny, too.

But it's funny. It is funny. You know, I like to say the first time I ever got fingers was when my fingers slipped through the toilet paper. Yeah. So it goes all the way back to the first time I fingered my own asshole. That's true. The funny thing, it's like, look, everybody farts.

Yeah. Everybody makes dookie. Right. And people feel weird about it, but it happens. And the truth is, it is something that you should kind of talk about more. And it is funny. It is funny to say that all of us, no matter what you look like, make big, brown nasty messes. And it's terrible.

And it's smelly. And it's awful. And it hurts sometimes. You need to wipe down. That's my dad. Love it. I was telling him that one time I was like, keep wiping. You know, he's keep wiping.

And what's going on? He's like, you need to wipe down, buddy. Because you're wiping. Oh, wipe up. He was telling me that I'm wiping up too much. Wipe down. I understand. Don't go in as much.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, don't ask too many questions. That's funny. Yeah, that's right. You know, there's that great line from Parks and Recreation where he says it's like wiping a marker. Oh, it's so true. It's like wiping a marker.

It's like it's called the butt stamp or the never ending wipe. We call it that. Or leaky butt. God, I hate leaky butt. I have a problem because I cannot, I can't leave it. I need to run the marker dry. I'm not the kind of guy that it's like, hey, it's just one of those days. So I got to get in there.

I'm scooping. I'm rubbing. I'm doing whatever it takes. Because, and frankly, I don't understand these anecdotes you hear about these guys that have shit stains on their underwear. Right. And by the way, those people are unacceptable, man. They really are.

Absolutely. The guy, the person's like, well, like. That's enough for today. That's right. I never thought of it that way. Well, you know, you could always, I'll get home and I'll wash them. Well, you got shit in your shirt. You have literal shit in your underwear.

What the fuck? I won't even scratch my, like my asshole. If I have an itchy asshole. I'll do it over the underwear. I'll do it over. I'm so paranoid. I'm so paranoid about a real itchy asshole having chocolate on there that I will go to a bathroom and get toilet paper to scratch my ass.

Well, if my, okay. Well, if my asshole is ever that itchy. Yeah. Yeah. I'll assume that maybe I didn't wipe enough. That's my first assumption. That's why I'll go get toilet paper and see what's going on. And there's usually a little residue, but nothing too bad.

Yeah. Wait, you guys got me thinking about it. Cause you're right. When it's the marker scenario, like who's that lazy person that's like, I'm good. Whatever. Whatever happens today. Some guy that's crazy. It's insane.

People also don't look at the, They don't look at the paper. They don't. Good point. But some people are, Oh, of course. Every time. Every time.

People go, I look on the first one. It's like, you know their shit there. I look. A lot. I look at the paper every time. Yeah. But you don't look at the bowl. I never look at the bowl.

Why not? You gotta see it. Always. I already know. I know it's like. Aren't you interested? Not really. There's a lot of information about what's going on.

I know. I feel like I can feel it though. I can feel the information. I know it so well. You're right. You're right. I really do. You know, I wonder, there's just so much.

There's just so much to talk about. Yeah. You know, like women, they all talk about their periods. They share information techniques, but we all shit. All of us. All of us shit. This isn't, you know what I'm saying. All genders, all binaries.

Right. There's no argument about, oh, I'm not. I don't identify as this gender. You still shit. You still shit. We're not debating that. Right. So I just, I don't understand the lack of dialogue about it.

What do blind people do? Oh, we've talked about that on the show. Do they smell it? No. What was the answer? No, they actually answered us. Right. It's like a sense.

Like they sense it, right? They have that daredevil level of, they go, they get all squishy the toilet paper feels. They get a sense for it. Yeah. That's what it was. Yeah. They sense the resistance of the paper, how it moves. That's not accurate.

Well, it's not. They're, blind people are walking around with shitty assholes, but that's fine. They get a pass. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They get a pass. But what is that? Is there feedback from a phone? There's a phone.

Oh. Should we turn it all the way? There you go. Should I move it away? Maybe. I'll throw one over. Here's my worry for you. So, okay, you're telling me that when you have a marker kind of day, you don't have, you

guys don't have the days yet? No. Yeah, no. So what are you doing right now? Maybe what? Maybe what? Maybe what? But we were talking about the days.

Well, it's a, well, I mean, you're thinking about making the leap though, right? Yes. I have some, I have some issues with the bidet. Okay. I was in Canada recently and to my great surprise, they had these wonderful Japanese toilets. This city? This was in Quebec. Okay.

Am I? Montreal. What do you say? Well, that's the state. So it's in Montreal. And they had the whole thing with the heated seat and the water that squirts right at your asshole. And there's all the different pressure settings.

It's got the whole, it's got the whole works. Speaking my language. It has a front squirt, which I was like, oh, what the fuck is that? I squirted my taint. Yeah. Feels good. I was interesting. I was just kind of like moving all over the place.

Is that, I was like, oh shit, the vagina's not that right up. It's not that far from the asshole. No. Because it's basically like just a very, the front one was very close to the back one. Well, see, and that's why wiping properly is so important. And they tell you, you can't go back to front, front to back. Sure. It is.

It's very, you know. So is it not an issue that if you're squirting, you're going to splash some shitwater. The problem I had with it was that I was squirting and I was squirting and water was running down my balls. Yeah. Like oh, wow. I mean, every time. Yeah, but the other thing is, if you keep that water running, eventually it's just beautiful,

clean water. So I think you might have some brown splatter, but that water's going to keep you in this. Yeah. He's getting shit on his balls. Yeah. But it's, hello, what's new? I mean, it's Monday. There's shit everywhere.

There's hair everywhere. He's asked me to lick his scrum and I won't do it because of that. The scrum? That's the hot, the... It's kind of just that general area, I feel like. She won't do it. The taint. Yeah, taint.

And his beehull. Beehull, all of it. She won't do it. Hila? You ask. I'm not into it, too. No way. She's a good girl.

I would never. Nasty girls eat scrum. The thing is my asshole, the thing is like, if you're... You're nasty as hell, Thompson. Anyways, Ethan and I were talking. The thing is, my asshole was never meant to be licked or anything like that. Yeah. Well, I don't think mine was either.

Mine is a warning zone. It's disgusting, yeah. Yeah, I have a feeling, I mean, looking at you, I think we have the same similar issues. Yeah. No. Is it hairy and hot? Because his butt hole is hairy and hot. My butt always...

It ain't cold. My butt always has heat coming off of it. Yeah. It could be sub-arctic weather and like, put your hand... You'd be like, I can put my hands up around this guy's asshole. It's just always hot. Why are you such an oven? I don't know.

That ass oven. I don't know. It's just like a welcoming for a tongue. It's like, he's got a tongue out there. Yeah. Yep. It's saying, put your mouth down here, lady, it's nice and warm. Have you seen his bee hole?

How long have you two been together now? No. When's the last time? I haven't seen my own asshole since I was like 13. I was like, what does my asshole look like? It doesn't look nice. Well, you look once and you're like, God, I don't need to do that again. Yeah, I feel like that's terrible.

Yeah. I remember I spread my cheeks to a friend in middle school. Really? What was the context? It was just like sleepover stuff and I just spread my cheeks to him. And he goes, Jesus. And it was Peter. And he goes, you shit hair?

Yeah. And I was like, that's amazing. And I wasn't as hairy then. Did you feel like you understood something new about yourself in that moment? The way he said it, I knew that it was not something to show a girl. Why didn't that stop you? You've been showing me your asshole for 14 years. That's different.

That's love. Yeah, that's a love asshole. Dude, will you show them one day? Will you show them? What? Whoa. No, like he does this. Okay, so we'll be like playing.

You show them one day? No. Okay, so we'll be playing around like just in the room. And he does this like slutty stripper girl move where he turns, he turns his back to me and then he like bends over and then he slaps his ass and then he like shimmies his hands down the back of his legs. And sometimes. It's pretty hot.

Sometimes he'll pull his hands down. My dick is moving a little bit. I wanted to offer you guys and this is. And then you see his asshole? Yeah, and sometimes sometimes he'll pull his pants down and then he'll spread his butt. Because as I run my hands down the back of my legs, I'll pull my shorts with it like here's a little treat for you. And I'll just show everything.

Does that do anything for you? No, it's disgusting. Well, yeah. Don't get ideas. He doesn't, he's not, I have a feeling that Ethan's not as gross with you as Tom is with me. Am I right? Do you guys, okay, I'm gonna ask you this.

Do you poop with the doors open or are we closed door family? It happens when the door is open sometimes. It's, I'm not gonna go full door open but like crack a jar. See, that's one that we don't do. That's our boundary. Yeah. Really? You talk about it here but door closed.

Door closed. Because just this morning you like clog the fucking toilet in the room we exercised. Like literally like her shit was so massive. It was. She clogged. I mean, I don't clog toilets. We're great. I mean, and so that was just, we just exercised next to Eli's shitty clogged toilet.

Wow. Kind of a reality. What are you gonna do to fix that? Are you gonna call somebody? It actually, Ethan told me that he was fixed. Well, Eli's like we gotta get a plunger and I was like just give it a minute and she leaves the room and then you hear inevitably the earth took it back. Wow.

Yeah, lucky then. Yeah. You're not as gross with you as Tom is with me, would you say? I think so probably. Sounds like. I walk around naked and I feel like that's gross enough. I see myself in the mirror and I'm like fuck. It's not the worst.

See, I can only do it for a moment. I'm so ashamed of my, I can only like flash it and be like I gotta cover this up. Right. And I try to. Ethan will make himself look grosser than he needs to. Right. Like he'll bend and like show me the fold. Well, you ever do this like.

Just back here when you bend over and when you're naked and you see it like resting on your leg. That's the worst. It's like an appendage. And it restricts your breathing. Whoa. It restricts your breathing. Yeah.

If you sit forward you're like, oh why can't I breathe as well? Yeah. Oh, because my stomach is pressing up on my lungs. The last time I went on a serious diet was I had this moment I was tying my shoe and I couldn't breathe. Oh my God. Yeah. And I was like.

It's not that I was exhausted. There was so much pressure on my lungs. I couldn't literally breathe. Wow. And that was like warning sign. Yeah. That's when I lost like 15 pounds. Oh.

How'd you do it? What was your diet? I just didn't eat. Yeah. That's the only way to lose weight. That's the way to do it. Yeah. You know, my favorite is when I leap up the stairs and I, you know, when you're jumping

up and you can feel your fat tire at the same time. That's kind of special. Yeah. Yeah, that is special. I agree. She's not part of this conversation. No. The offer I was going to make you guys, by the way, and this is like, I'm hooking you

up. Yeah. Really? If you want me to model for the Teddy Fresh line. You are. I'm just going to take stills from the soul. Yeah. Like I'm actually a really good model.

Really? Yeah. Can I get an asshole shot? I'll show you. I'll give you an asshole shot. I can do. With the fanny pack over your panties. Teddy Fresh panties.

I know how to do like fierce looks. You want to see fierce? Absolutely. I'm fierce. I have like a patented head, head twist. Ready? Go ahead. Oh.

Right? Damn. Oh. Have you seen Tyra Banks do her walk? Oh, sorry. So amazing. Have you seen her? Okay.

On Instagram. Tyra is like, I love, she's so insane and I find her hilarious. That's right. Have you seen the Vaseline clip? No. Oh, really? Do we watch stuff on this? Oh, yeah.

Sure. Oh, wait. Did she put on her teeth? No. Oh, my gosh. We'll never guess. So let me set this up and just tell you that this is not a parody. Okay.

Okay. This is almost a God real. Time. So type just on YouTube. Tyra Banks Vaseline giveaway. I see it. Yeah. I see it.

Just pull this up. Yeah. Bop it up there. It's short and it's sweet. It's one of my favorite clips on there. Okay. Okay. Let's check this out.

She's crazy shit. All right. Here we go. This is the beauty secret ever. Oh, my God. Yes. Yes. Yes.

You're mad. It's my eye and anything cream, meaning eye and anything. All right. And during the break, we had some really honky boys that brought out these very special boxes to our studio audience. And inside the boxes is my super duper no fell skin saving eye and anything cream. I want you to all open them together. Are you ready?

Yes. Drum roll please. So weird. One, two, three. Open up. Open up. Open up. Open up.

Open up. What is it? What are they all freaking out about? Is it a car? Or is it? A travel stop. Is it a car? Or is it a travel size bottle of Vaseline?

Oh, my God. Why is she excited? Why is anyone excited? I don't know. Why are they freaking out? Like mocking Oprah? How Oprah would do that? I mean, she feels like it.

It's not a joke. I swear to God. It's like, it's some premium Vaseline. She's got diamonds on the box. It's got rhinestep. It continues on. She has like a heart. She starts like seizureing in the, but I love her.

So crazy. Well, we've been following her. I follow her on Instagram and she's, I guess on America's got talent right now. She's hosting or something. Yeah. And like her whole talent is walking, which I guess it's like, you know, models. That's a talent, dude. But she's like, nobody walks like me.

I'm fierce. So Tom and I have been practicing our fierce model walk. Yeah. It's a huge deal. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's a, it's really. I'm fierce.

I'm super fierce. I know it's from the next stop model. Did you guys ever watch that? Yeah. Of course. It's the best show ever. It's the best show ever. It's the best show ever.

It's the best show ever. It's the best show ever. Did you guys ever watch that? Yeah. Of course. It's the best show ever. But she. I'm fierce.

Well, this is classic. Oh, a little kept there. Like, hey. It's the foot in front of the foot. Yeah. Like you're prancing like a pony. Yeah. But I feel like models don't do this today.

I don't. Right. It was like yesterday. It's like cheesy. Yeah. Now that was how to. God, when I was like. High fashion.

When I first started going through puberty, she was like popular. Mm-hmm. Fuck. She had to go on. Yeah. You rubbed a few out to her. Bruh. Bruh.

I felt, I scored it in many cups. Yeah. Yeah. By the way, for context, I don't actually collect my semen and just make a joke about testing my semen. Sure. To get Hila pregnant. But now she's just a bit of it.

I mean, she still looks good. She does. She's been around forever. Those, those supermodels that we grew up with, they basically all look amazing. Oh, yeah. That's true. Just genetic phenoms. You know.

You know what it is. Vaseline. It's the fucking vaseline. It's that fucking vaseline. Where do I get that shit? It's so fucking weird. That's her beauty secret. That was so bizarre.

Yeah. Hila's got a best friend here. That's Fifo. His mouth smells really bad. Sorry. That's stinky breath. He's an old dude. Hey, buddy.

His mouth stinks so bad. So Germany has this program, you know, where disabled people can legally, I don't know, find someone to help make them come. Yeah. Cool. They're so ahead of the game. I know, right? Does that include me?

Oh, my God. Whoa. Sexual assistance. Dude, that. Can I say. Yeah. Let's enjoy. Let's say I actually want, I want to enjoy this video.

Okay. Sexual assistance. Sexual energy is one that we all have inside of us. Sexual energy means we surely realize the reason why sexual assistance is so necessary. I'm reading because I didn't realize this is all. Well, why not just get a prostitute though? I guess. I think they are, they are like state sponsored prostitutes specifically for the disabled.

Horsens. That's, that honestly is a tender, beautiful thing. It is. For a state, for an actual government organization, like be like, these guys, they need someone to touch their dick as much as any of us, more maybe. Sure. I mean, I might try to be disabled if she's the one. If she's the one that's, what if one of these, what if he's like, will you lick my asshole?

I eat my scrum. He's like, I didn't even lick my husband's asshole. I mean, she's like, I can't come. That's what I was like. I can't come. Can't come unless you lick my asshole. She's not the chick that comes to your house. No way, dude.

I don't know. She's looking at me like she comes to the house. Yep. That's the lady. Dude, that guy's having the time of his life. Yeah, he loves it. Yeah. So for those of you just listening, it's like.

Wait, who's the handicapped there? What do you mean? Oh, right. Well, there was like, I just didn't know who was, who was getting the benefit. Oh, right. It's the guy. It's the dude. The guy's getting the benefit?

Yeah, yeah. I'd fuck that guy. What's wrong with him? I don't know. His legs. Oh, I'm having like a weird thing where it looks like her legs. Yeah. It doesn't.

Yeah, the photograph is kind of weird. She's kneeled on the floor, though. Yeah. Wait. Okay. You see her legs? Yeah. Going on the side there.

I mean, I guess I like, I don't know that the state should sponsor it, but it is. Well, they're basically telling their citizens you need to come. They're telling them. Not. Don't keep it all in. Not too handicapped to come. I guess what they're, what they're, it's like a what? It's sex welfare.

Yeah. Yes, it is. How progressive, dude. That is progressive as it gets. Yeah, dude. Yeah, it's pretty great. I'll show you. You want this guy to make me come, though?

He's creepy. Wait, watch the left. Who's coming right now? That's just a carer. Let's see. I don't want that guy to make me come. Yeah. Carefully screened up, but you better make them carefully screened.

Oh, and trained. Yeah. They're trained to provide something. It's just a blonde guy on the street. I mean, let's cut to the chase. He's cute though. He get laid on his own. I don't think that being blind really is that much of a hindrance of getting.

I don't think so either. But I would lay, I would lay into it. Yeah. If I was in Germany, I'd be like, I can't see any pussy. I can't see shit. I can't see pussy. Oh, let's see. He's saying, I see her twice a month learning different sexual positions.

I'm young. I'm satisfied. I'm not in love with Latke. I'm looking for a girlfriend. Okay. He's learning all those things to do. It's cool. Yeah.

Huh. That's quite a gig though, man. Can I ask a question? Yeah. Cause there's like diseases that make like old people look like children. Yeah. Pejoria. Do you fuck?

Like that's like as the sex worker, you have to fuck. Like you know. Yeah. Like a person that looks like a kid. That'd be tough. Do they really look like a kid though? They look like creepy old kids. Physically, I don't know.

Well, this kind of reminds me. I don't know. This brings me back to our opening clip was this guy who faked being disabled so that caretakers would change his diaper and bathe him. Wow. He got arrested. Whoa. That's illegal.

It seems like he was actually basically wanting this. Right. Yeah. So what he was doing was he put in, um, he signed on to a service online, said that he was the caretaker. He pretended to be a woman named Amy, said that had a client that needed some bathing and changing and then hired people. But he was the one doing the whole time and then pretended to be disabled.

And then. Pretty evil. Yeah. Wait, but this would take away. I was actually like supportive of his thing for a minute. He's pretty creepy. But doesn't this take away sex workers work? I mean, is sex work legal in Germany?

Yeah. Yeah. They're probably the same people. Oh. They're getting hooked up. Everyone. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Whoever asked you that for those things, or they're like, this might kill you. This might give you Parkinson's.

And he's like, okay. And then. And then they pay out you know, it's like five grand for weeks. Staying there. 10% chance of Parkinson's. Yeah. I'm like, so what are you doing? No, he's like, well I like 5 grand.

I'm going to go to Amsterdam for a- I love that. I'm just living like that. Yeah. Okay. Oh yeah? Kind of. But I mean, like when you get 100 bucks and then you buy some beers and sausages and

all the content. Yeah. You know what I mean? Sure. That's that version of that. Yeah. That's true, right? But so, is he scamming anyone?

Or I guess I just didn't understand what's the crime. This guy? Yeah. I was confused. I mean, what's the big deal? They're getting paid. This was exactly my opinion. Is the government subsidizing this?

No. I think it said- This voice is chilling. His voice is chilling. Pretended to have Down syndrome. You kind of know when something- Isn't there a look? I mean, generally-

A look. Yeah. I feel like after I've seen the hospital and there's like- You have a whole section of people and there's one person doing their shift and then every two hours they change everyone's diapers. And then you realize this has to be the worst job ever. Yeah. Yeah.

And they're like angels. Yeah. That's what I was saying. They're so sweet. That's why when I heard that I was like, that's evil. But you're right. And they're grace of these sweet people and getting off of it. Initially, I go like, I mean, what's he doing?

He's just like pretending and he's enjoying himself. But he is praying on somebody's goodwill. Yeah. And it's not in this, but in the article I read there, like the caregivers were all like, he insisted on more thorough washing to his genitals. He always had an erection for every bath. Oh, okay. That's the problem.

Well, that's just a, yeah, that sounds like kind of like- It still honestly doesn't like, just on the surface, you're like, yeah, it's what he likes. I mean, it's not a good deal. I see, I think you make a good point. By the grace of God, walk these people on this planet. Yeah. And this sick fuck is making them rub his dick. Are we hearing this wrong, by the way?

Remember the baseball clip? Are we hearing that wrong? I don't know. We should ask them. Guys, do you- Going down to third base. Nice play, Machado. You'll make the throwover.

Pulse is retarded. I heard definitely something retarded. Okay. So we're not, we're not mishearing that. Play it again. I heard that too. Okay. Just wanted to make sure.

Just make sure. Machado. You'll make the throwover. Pulse is retarded. Yeah. Wait, what else could he be saying now? Poolholes is the guy's name. Albert Poolholes.

Poolholes is retarded. He does sound like he's saying that, right? Yup. Poolholes is retarded. What else could it be? I'm trying to rack my brain. Poolholes is retarded. There's really no alternate explanation.

Thank you. I just wanted to confirm. I wanted to confirm. I heard, that's what I heard. Okay. You heard something was R-worded. Really leaning into the R-word. I mean, I'm just trying to understand what's happening.

I just, I don't know. Here's what I wanted to ask you guys though. We've gotten to know you guys a little bit personally, but I'm ultra fascinated. Because we come from the stand-up performing world. Honestly, the whole YouTube of it all is almost foreign to us, right? We always knew there's YouTube stars and stuff. Then when I was talking to you guys about how you got started, you're throwing up a video and at some point you said, I think you said for two years you didn't have a thousand subscribers?

Mm-hmm. So a year, then four, two years? It took us like two years to get, I think, a thousand subscribers. Two years? Yeah. But that's like, everybody's rise to YouTube's different because it can happen. There's people that will grow to start. In those two years though, this is just then a fun thing you're doing?

Yes. We just enjoy ourselves. Looking at steak, there was no delusions of grandeur, there was no expectation at all. It was very much, I mean, our early videos are fucking so off the wall, dude, like unwatchable. So I'm not surprised at all that nobody watched them for that long. There was quite frankly no reason to watch them. And they were also, were they just funny videos? Yes.

Attempts at humor. Like sketches. Right. It was a lot of just trying to find my voice and my style. But you still are like, this is just, I do this for fun. Yeah. Right? Very much, yeah.

I mean, I wanted to work in comedy. I never thought that I could be a performer. I thought like, oh, maybe I'll write for somebody. Okay. But this was just my way of being like, well, I want to do comedy because I worked when we were in Israel for five years at a desk job. And so I was- Five years?

Yeah. And marketing. Well, I was going to school for art. He was working. And I was working too, but- What was your desk job? What kind of job? I was just a content manager because I, you know, I have a degree in English and writing.

So when you go to Israel, that's actually like a marketable skill, which was crazy because I was looking for a job for a year. And then when I moved to Israel, all of a sudden I got a job, like an actual real job. So that was cool. It was exciting for me at the time because I didn't think that I would ever, you know, whatever. But so five years working a job that I eventually wasn't satisfied because who the fuck is satisfied with that work.

And just saying that I want to do comedy, so let me do something about it. So I just said, all right, I'm going to start making some stupid videos on YouTube. And over the course of two years, kind of found my voice. And then I think we started getting more serious about it when we've kind of found a different kind of thing. So we thought we're working and we're funny. And like from the first two years, and then from the third year, I think by the end of the third year, we probably had a million subscribers.

Oh my God. So between year two and year three, am I wrong? When we left Israel, when we moved here, we had about 100,000 subscribers. So at that point, though, let's go. I like the tears. Whoa, whoa, wait. How long ago was that? Three years ago.

That's it? What? Basically, we've been doing it professionally for basically since we moved here. So about three years. You realize that's like a nanosecond, right? That's crazy. Although on YouTube, it felt like we're at a slow start. Time flies so fast on YouTube.

Because some people, it could happen to them over a month. Really? That's happened many times. But that's so much better to go your route. It is. Because these people, they come and they go. Yeah. You don't want to be the rocket ship.

You want to be the steady climb. Definitely. So at what point, so at 100,000 subscribers, you obviously know, well, people are digging what we're doing. So then you go, we need to focus on it more. We need to try and make this a thing. We were very, very focused on the craft and the presentation and the packaging. And we were perfectionists.

And we were just solely committed to creating one video a week that was the best thing. And it was also funny because we were both like, we didn't know how to use the camera properly or sound or anything. So every week we tried to make it better. And we like, starting from minus. Painful. Yeah. Painful, dredging through.

Well, it's cute too that you guys, you did this all as a couple though too. Yeah. We made the channel, we made the channel together. The first day, Ila had a video art class and they... It was one of the mandatory classes on the first year was video art. And they just gave us an assignment to make something. And I didn't want to be in it because I was so shy. So I brought a camera home and I was like, you want to do something?

And I recorded Ethan and that's how... Shut up. How cool is that? That first video was so... And I ended up taking that class the whole four years. Wow. And all the videos I showed them were really weird videos with Ethan. So what'd you get in that class?

What was the grade? It was good. It was... I don't remember but... You show up, you got a good grade. Oh, okay, all right. I was like a valedictorian. What?

Whoa. Smartie dance. All thanks to me for sure. For sure. For Ethan being in your videos. Now the videos we made were very like Tim and Eric inspired. And like lots of nudity and just disgusting, like really off, just like embarrassing. And that comedy didn't make it to Israel yet.

It wasn't a hit. What the fuck is wrong with you? I think they thought we were trying to be like avant-garde. Yeah. Like an artist. Yeah. Yeah, but not funny. Definitely not funny.

So then when was it undeniable to you that this is actually a career? Three years ago? So I had like a job that was going really well and I'd worked there for a year and I had just decided basically that I wanted to, I think I was probably making like, you know, $1,000 a month from YouTube at the time. It was not a lot, but it was like, hey, that's a little fucking money. Right. So I quit.

I just said, fuck it, I'm going to quit my job and I'm going to commit myself to doing this just because I want to give it a fair shot. Sorry to cut you up. Do you have the kind of relationship with your parents where you tell them something like that? Like I'm quitting? Yeah. They don't.

I remember my mom even was like, really? Why are you sure? You don't want to find another job before you quit your job? And it's like, no, the point is to, it doesn't want to do that job. Well, my mom was trying to get me to become a teacher even as recently as like two years ago. They lived in Vegas and when we first immigrated to the U.S. because we got a green card after we got married and she's like, are you sure?

You know, they have this great teacher program out here and even at the time I was probably making like $5,000, $6,000 a month, like doing like pretty good considering I was a YouTube entertainer. Sure. That's a great living. I don't know. But I never really heeded much advice from them. Frankly.

But at the time when you quit your $1,000 a month revenue, you really just focus on making these videos. Yeah. And then it just steadily paid off. Yeah, absolutely. I never went back to work after that and it steadily paid off and I mean, like, Eli was like hand stitching these little, we call them Jeff Dunham fuck dolls because I'm obsessed with Jeff Dunham.

I think he's like fast. The phenomenon of Jeff Dunham fascinates me. He's a fucking ventriloquist, racist white trash ventriloquist that everybody loves. And so. He sells out arena. Unbelievable. He is funny. And they'll add intonation.

He literally wears like a shark tooth and pukashell necklace to this day. He also he also build, he'll hand build a kit helicopter and then fly it, you know, like a basically a cheap helicopter. He'll make one. It's kind of crazy too. He will do daytime arena shows like high noon because that's and that's just tough, right? That's tough.

That's the toughest game. Kids will come. The kids will come and he'll do like not just secondary markets, like third or dairy, fourth or dairy. We're talking like outside of the town, outside of the town and sell out. Well, yeah. Everyone will come. I just, he's a fucking, but it's like nobody was like, hold on, this guy's a fucking ventriloquist.

Let's all stop and just think that this guy is actually doing comedy with puppets right now. Yeah. People love it. He does. But also his material fascinates me because it's all very racist. He's got like the spicy jalapeno, you know, and it's just so stupid. But that's when his career took off because yeah, Dunham's been around a minute.

No, he was around for a long time. Do you want to know a funny thing? Is what was what made him take off is when 9-Eleven happened. You might say 9-Eleven. It made his career and he was just a puppeteer guy for years. I remember this because I moved out here after 9-Eleven. He was on Last Comic Standing, the regional spot in like year two, year three. So he was still trying to get like a bump.

Like he had had a wave where he was successful and then it kind of faded a little bit. So he's on Last Comic Standing. This is year one or year two and I'm at the Melrose Improv for the taping. So this is like the LA spot and then they'll move on. They gave them strict instructions that like if you hit the two minute mark, we will cut the sound. Like we will pull the mic will die. He was up there and ran the two minute mark and they cut the sound.

And so he was still talking and they were like, Jeff, Jeff. And they told him that he was so pissed that in the back hallway, he was yelling at someone. And I'll tell you, even that year, you probably you were watching that like he was hoping for a break right here and it didn't happen. That's when he took that Ahmed character. I think it was Iraq War 05. And so like when, you know, we're like, the enemy is over there and started doing like, you know, we're like, we're fucking with Iraq and started doing that character that it exploded

for him. So I want to say it was 9 11 and it was like Ahmed remix, like he got to use it again. You might be right, but I know that he wasn't, he wasn't doing, he wasn't doing arena. Some have theorized that Jeff Dunham was behind 9 11 and it actually all makes sense. His first career. That would be fucking amazing. Jeff Dunham did 9 11. You hear it all here, folks.

Yeah, bro. So anyway, that was the craziest tangent, but I had this Jeff Dunham fucked all, which was like this mutant aborted fetus and I would do these really fucked up puppet shows. I was also taking a sculpture class. I kept trying different stuff and I tried making sculptures that I was sewing. Like, so one of them I wanted to make a doll of a girl sitting and it was a Miley Cyrus. It was based on the Miley Cyrus on the rocking ball. Oh yeah.

The music video. So it was just like a weird character looks like an aborted fetus. Yeah. Well, anyway, I the long story short is that people really love these things. So either was hand stitching these and selling them and like we were going to the post office every week and sending like dozens of these. Until you found stamps.com. Am I right?

I wish I had stamps.com sponsor. Yeah. Not in Israel. Oh. I had to stay in the line for like an hour. Oh no. No. But we were, yeah.

We were hustling. Hustling. We were hustling. Love it. You guys are such a great team because it's like the idea and then she would execute the idea in art school. For people that don't know who listen only especially to the show, like you guys are like the videos are obviously you know this, but they're legitimately really funny videos.

I mean you guys are making like really funny comedy stuff happen. That's nice. But also like I was, I remember when I first started checking you guys out online and I saw the clothing, I was like, oh, they have like everyone has merch. They have merch. And then I was like, oh, no, they have a clothing line. Yeah. Just merch.

Like things are actually designed here. Well, that's all Yula. Yeah. That's awesome. Because Yula first wanted to, well, Yula's plan was always to become a designer. And when I first moved to Israel, she was in the middle of applying to become, go to design school and they rejected her. So she ended up going to art school instead.

But like we came to a point where- Suckers. Yeah. Fucking losers. Assholes. Anyway, we came to a point where we were working very hard on our YouTube channel and we just thought like, hey, we've got this opportunity. We've got like the capital and we've got the fan base, people who are interested in consuming

this product. So we just thought it was a good opportunity for Yula to pursue. Yeah. Yeah. Ethan was actually the one who pushed me to do it. To do the fashion line? Yeah. Because it was like, why not?

I mean, we have the money, so let's just try it. Well, was it scary though? Because I also feel like- Yeah. It's pretty scary. Like the steps of like knowing what to do. Isn't it? Yeah.

I don't know anything. Yeah. All right. Well- And at first, you got to spend your own money. Sure. And commit to it. You know.

And you just see money going out. Yeah. Yeah. Just keep making stuff. Yeah. That's okay. I mean- No, it's fine.

It's fine to start up with like lawyers and clothes and then getting the club paying for the clothing. Yeah. But the hardest part is finding good manufacturers. It's very, very difficult and everyone's very, very tight. It was like a black hole. I mean, we didn't know anything. We were fortunate to meet some guys with a small clothing company of their own reached

out to see if we wanted clothing. And we end up being like, hey, maybe these guys can help us out in the right. So they helped point us in the right direction, which basically helped us start developing the first kind of collection that you would put together. It was really successful. That's awesome. I love that name. I dig the name.

I love it. How did that come about? I don't know. Just a name. Really? Yeah. Yeah. It rolls off.

It's just a name. We call it, it's embarrassing. It's embarrassing. We call each other Ted. Teddy bear. Whatever. It's derivative. Teddy bear.

Yeah. Also, it came from your cute little nickname for each other. Yes. Hello. That's awesome. We're trying to think of something that would have a good logo. This is a perfect time to ask this then. Let's see if Ela is an actual FGT archivier.

Oh, for God's sake. By the way, do you appreciate that Ela wore denim today at our show? She knows. So we've been having this debate in recent weeks. Okay? I just want to see where you stand on this. So let's say you're out and you come home and you get home and Ethan's like, hey, Ted. You're like, hey, Teddy, I love you.

And he's like, he's like, I gotta tell you something and you're like, did you forget to feed Shredder? He's like, no. So I went to the bank and you know that guy who's a fucking dick at the parking attendant and you're like, oh yeah, that guy's such a dick. He's like, yeah. So I saw him at Trader Joe's and he was a dick there. And anyway, when I went back to my car, his car was by the dumpster.

I stabbed him in the neck. He's dead. Anyways, the body's in the trunk. Are you turning him in to the authorities? I mean, it is your husband. Notice she's thinking about it. Right. Yeah.

If I just want to know. Think about Shredder. Think about your whole life, everything you're used to. That's a really tough question. But the guy's a real dick and you've seen him be a dick before. I'll tell you what was my first response. Yeah. Yeah.

No, I'm not turning him in. That was my first thought. I'd ride or die for you. Oh my God. But it makes me wonder about myself. Like, should I? Well, the gut reaction, you live with the shame and the guilt, but in that moment, you know, you torture yourself for the rest of eternity, but you ride or die for your partner.

Dude, it's not even, to me, it's no question. No. It's zero. You thought about that a little too long. I don't know because we're on the line. Well, I didn't actually kill somebody, at least for the game, just say yes. I mean, I'm saying it's different. These tricks are different.

Okay. She is like, yeah, I'd fucking call the police right now. Yeah. She's ready to turn me in. Oh, you would turn him in. You want to know why? She's terrible. Okay.

Now you're shaming me for thinking too long. Here's the caveat. If he accidentally kills somebody, oops, I hit a bicyclist, okay, I'm going to dig the ditch. I'm the first one to find some chloro... What is it? Chloroform? Hydrochloric acid.

Hydrochloric acid. You want to dissolve the body. Fuck yeah, dude. I'm right about accidental death. However, first degree, lying in wait, planning, plotting somebody's murder. And he's not the guy you knew. That's right. He's not the guy you thought you knew.

That's right. And it also means there's a switch that flipped because now he's acting on these impulses. He has poor impulse control. Thank you too much about it. And when is he going to turn that wrath on me, on my children, on my dogs? Please. He's going to do this shit to us. She's right.

It's got to be accidental. Oh. Because if you're like, oh, I just stabbed the guy to death. Dang. Yeah, but look. That's different. It's an accident. You're thinking about it very realistically.

Thank you. She's right. In reality, that's probably... See, and that's where... But I'm thinking about it like in a love story. Yeah, it's a love story. Yeah, it's a love story. The moment.

That's where it should be thought of. She's thinking it's a love story. Okay, here's my mixers. 100%. I'm like, take your clothes off, just throw it on fire. I got the... I know the place in Griffith Park will dump the body. And you're like, and I'm not even saying it hasn't happened before.

Absolutely not. Wait, babe. Okay, if I were to go to you and I'd be like, you know, I have fucking sales clerk down at the mall and send a bun, she's been fucking eyeballing me and giving me some shit. Yeah. Well, the other day, I waited for her in the parking lot and then I slit her Achilles tendon. Is that what that is?

Uh-huh. And then she collapsed the floor and then I fucking stabbed her 20 times and I put her in the trunk. She's in the trunk right now. Okay. What do you say? You're going to help me get rid of her? 100%.

I wouldn't even think twice. But the thing that Tom, Tom is assuming that you, it's you, you're understanding that, you know, the guy you know wouldn't do that, so something's fucked up. You're being really... Something's wrong. And then he's saying that I'm thinking... You're both on the same page. You've been you doing it.

Yeah. But really, you're all... Something happened. Yeah. You know what it makes me think about? Because I've been listening to Stern a lot and he's been goofing on the whole, the Julie Chen Moonves. Yeah.

And so there's a lot of debate about like, okay, we're talking about murder. Well, this guy just, you know, raped a bunch of people, which... Allegedly. Oh, I'm sorry, allegedly. What do I know? Yeah. But if, so like, if you find out that Tom is a prolific rapist... Oh my God.

I know. That would be pretty bad. That I would tell you. Like somehow... But that's true. So the emotions of it are different. If you look at it from Julie Chen Moonves, it's like, that's the guy you know, but is it?

And what's true? What's not? What's what? But in which case you've confessed that you've plotted somebody's murder and then you followed through. Dude, I'd have to assume you fucking lost your damn mind, son. Yeah, but I'm fine. You're gonna kill my fucking kids.

I'm fine. Let's go have the dinner. What are you talking about? That's even scarier. You're like, what? Of course. You're not hungry? Yeah.

Let's go get some shakies. Like, it's not a big deal for you. That's way crazier. Yeah. I'm like, oh. I'm tired. I'll see you later. They had the...

I watched that documentary on Whitey Bolger, you know, the Boston... He was... He was the 10 most wanted for 20 years, right? Oh. James Whitey Bolger. I love his name. Yeah, he ran the... You guys watch this kind of stuff?

No? No. No. It's just sensitive. Yeah, me too. I get disturbed easily. The whole thing. The guy on the gas hole was actually about James...

Johnny Depp played him. Anyway, he was a ruthless Boston gangster. And he ran what they call the Winter Hill Gang up there. And one of his partners, who was like a government informant, you know, witness, said that he was like, yeah, there's this thing about... He goes, I never saw Jimmy. That was James Bolger. I never saw Jimmy in such a good mood then when he killed somebody.

Wow. He was in the best mood for it. He'd take a long nap and he would just be in the best, best mood for it. Like the valve, the tension valve based on the guy. He killed his partner, one of his partners' step-daughters. He was like, when we buried her in the basement, he was like, ah, Jimmy was in the best mood for dates. He's falling memories.

See? Well, you know, if killing people made you feel that good, you know what I mean. You'd have to participate. I think the thing is, you got to learn to forget. I need to release like that, you know? Of course. I mean, shit. Christina, you need to learn to forgive.

It's Christine. Christine, you need to learn to forgive and there's nobody better to tell you how to learn to forgive. Oh, right. Oh, what the fuck? I'm just thinking about forgiveness and it's been a deep journey for me because I've had to look into the shadows of my own heart and understand how I've hurt other people and forgive myself.

She's naked in bed. Thank you. Why? Is this really a time or place? Everyone in this family, spouses is different. The Smiths, right? Yes. Yes.

Different lanes of wisdom. For any wrong acts that I might have committed or any pain that I might have caused to you. She looks good. She's got her makeup on, her hair is done. She just always has sort of insight into, you know, spiritual and psychological awareness. She has her son famously does as well. He also shares thoughts. Which is fine, but maybe not naked in bed on Instagram.

I'm like, forgiveness for myself and forgiveness for myself. It's such an unnecessary... Forgiveness. Forgiveness. For items. Yeah. I don't know about you, but I'm obsessed with Instagram. You know that's a perfect way to get this.

I like Instagram. I love people's... It's a window into how people want to be perceived. That's why I love it. It's psychologically very fascinating to me. Instagram sucks me in more. I'm on like a full social media detox. Sure.

I have like even... I have YouTube, Twitter and Instagram not on my phone. Wow. It's... I just think it's good to... Yeah. So you... I don't be the...

You're smart about it. That guy is just a personal thing. Yeah, you're smart about it. He logged in on my phone because I feel like I don't have as much of a problem with it. I can control it more. So if he needs anything, can do it on my phone. It's smart. That's how you do it.

It's called self-protection. You know what I mean? If there's something you need to know, then... Well, that means I got to go and show you all these things? Jesus. No, I love watching this shit. ...my internal, emotional life... Lady, can you not...

...flex terrain on the planet... Is she flexing right now? ...and has a Sahara Desert. Woman up? ...and I have a Sahara Desert within me. That place where... Where are you? She's in like a spa.

That's probably her home bathroom. Yeah. Seriously. Yeah. ...the planet has an Antarctica. I have an Antarctica... I have an Antarctica in me... Thank you.

...where I have hurts that run so deep. That my compassion and my understanding and my love is frozen over. She looks like she's got Vaseline everywhere. She looks great. I just... Why don't you let the record show to the audience? She does. I just opened up a bottle of water and I refreshed Ila and Ethan's glasses.

It's Ethan. We did notice that. Thank you. Ethan Ila. Thank you. That was so thoughtful. Yeah. That was a generous, caring, beautiful moment.

Only a mother could have been. So empathetic. And a water champion. And a water champion. So I'm gonna... I'm gonna... I'm gonna... I'm gonna...

I'm gonna... I'm gonna... I'm gonna... I'm gonna... I'm gonna... I'm gonna... I'm gonna... So because Christina thinks I am a violent psychopath, I'm gonna be taking this psychopathy

scale test. So one of our listeners sent it in. They say I watched too many murder shows. So I won't go through the whole thing, but basically I put a level of, like on a scale of one to five, one meaning there's no match, five meaning a very good match. You calculate the total score. I'll do it after the show and we'll get back with my total score. But it says things like just to give the listeners an idea, for instance, number one, success

is based on survival of the fittest. I am not concerned about the losers. That would be a strong match. Number two... I have stabbed the attendant in the parking lot. Yeah, five, five, five, five, five, five, five. My main purpose in life is to get as many goodies as I can, hard five, making a lot of money is the most important goal.

Ten plus plus. All right. So I'll do them later and we'll see... Psychopath scale. I feel like if you're a psychopath, you would lie on this thing. That's a thing. I think that's probably... Now, here's the...

I think the flaw, because I've read this over before, is that... Try to be honest with it though. Well, most humans aren't this self-aware where you would be like, I enjoy manipulating other people's feelings. You're in denial about the stuff that you do. You wouldn't know. But there is probably a way that you could... You could answer it somewhat.

I think you would justify it to yourself more in a way that would make sense to you instead of saying, I just enjoy it. Right. You would think there's a reason to... Yes, but... For instance, some real... Let's say somebody who's definitely off the charts, yes, on this, could read things like love is overrated and be like 100% and if they get them, they trick them.

I often admire a really clever scam. Oh, yeah. I love a good scam. When I get frustrated, I often let off steam by blowing my top. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, what the fuck does that mean? I don't know. That you get...

You blow your top. You say crazy shit probably. Oh, blow my top. Jesus. This is like old-timey. Yeah. Like... Blow my top.

You ever just blow your top? Blast off a shipper. By the way, you said you're watching a lot of murder shows. I've noticed there's so many of them. There's so many people are watching them. So it's not just you. I've tried to tell her this. No, they're fascinating.

They're great stuff. You're right. It is not just him. However, if you look at his Netflix queue, it's exclusively three primary categories, murder, Hitler, and drug lords. And there's very little else outside of those three points of interest, which is troubling to me. I would say, actually, very misleading, a lot more drug lords crime, very little Hitler.

Yeah, Hitler is so boring. He's very boring. You're so boring. Who cares about Hitler anymore? Who cares? Yeah, that's the thing. Here's the thing. We get it.

You get it. And it's also... Like, I tried to watch one of them. That's the last one I tried to watch was a few months ago. You know, the footage, the narrator, it all feels very redundant. So what's your jam? So you're saying you're over it? So what's your new jam now?

Yeah, I don't... No, I do watch a lot of the drug lords. It's been narrated. I wish there'd be a new Hitler already, right? Drug lords. I'm waiting for part two. I just want a new dictator who's really into genocide. You know, somebody to kind of take the reins.

Want some excitement. Why aren't they... Stalin's interesting. Maybe there's not as much footage on him. Not that interesting. I've seen... I've seen a lot of Stalin footage. Yeah?

Hmm. Yeah, Paul Pot really's got... He needs some good media. Paul Pot's good guys. Biggie. And I feel like the whole Kim family, I wish they weren't so reclusive, let some more cameras in. 10 years.

Yeah. I mean, this little guy, when he off the uncle, there should be a whole documentary just on that. Yeah, true. Do you remember when Trump did that? He goes... He was talking... This was like a year ago.

He's like... He's like, this Kim Jong-un guy? Little fella, he's like, with the uncle? Like, he was like giggling about it. I love it. He's like, he's crazy. That's the best. He had a press conference.

That's Trump at his best, isn't it? Yeah. Little Rocket Man. Part of him was like, like, you got to respect this guy. Yeah, it was... He wasn't like, this is a reprehensible thing. He's on this scale. Yeah.

He's like, do you ever admire other dictators murdering their family members? Yes. Five. Yeah. Yeah. Totally true. Easy peasy. Now, who goes to sleep first between the two of you?

Does one of you fall asleep before the other? It used to be me. It flip-flops. It used to be mostly me, but lately it's Ethan. I used to always outlast you, but lately... I don't know what flip... Something flip-flops. And do you watch television while she goes to sleep?

No, we always watch TV. What's your jam? What do you watch when she goes to sleep? That's the real... When she falls asleep? Anime. No. Well, sometimes if I have a good one to watch...

I like anime. I'm not embarrassed to admit it. No, not embarrassed. You just watch... I play video games or... Chicks love that. It's hot anime. Video games, right?

Mmm. That's what... Are you taking a jab at each other? Yes. I guess every wife's nightmare is video games, anime. I have to wait for her to fall asleep. See, that's nice. That's what I do, too.

Yeah. I mean, first of all, she goes to bed like a fucking third grader. You know, she's a good time. Yeah. Well, because I'm up at six, so I go to bed like 9.30. Yeah. But then I have to wake up and breastfeeding and all that shit. What's your schedule throughout the day?

So then, okay, so I try to go to... I pump at 10. I fall asleep. I have to set my alarm. I wake up at like 2 to pump at 2 a.m. Fuck. And then I wake up at 6 a.m. to breastfeed the kid again. So I'll sleep.

And those are like long sessions. You're fully awake. Fully awake. It's not like... Fully awake. You're awake. Yeah. And do you get resentful that Tom doesn't breastfeed?

I do, yeah. Especially with... He mentions it all the time. Yeah. I'm like, how come your tits don't make milk? Like, I just hate... They should. Have you tried?

No. We could try. I don't understand why the male partner has zero... Do you want to put them on there today? To provide for the caring of the baby. You know... Those hairy tits. And I'm saying this for...

How can you not get resentful? You're gonna hate me. Of course. And the first kid, especially, I really hated him. Second baby, you're like, this is just how it goes. But then shit flips when that baby's a toddler. And now Ellis only wants that, that, that, that. So I'm like, oh, now it's your turn to be like the center.

It flips. Now, do you feel bad that you can't breastfeed or do you sleep like peacefully and slump? I am. The world is empty. Doesn't care. Broken up about it. Yeah. Well, for both of your benefits, because you are broken up, you know that you can get a

thick tit that you put your milk in. And he can wake up at 2 a.m. You put your pre-pumped milk in the tit. The baby can breastfeed from this tit. One of our listeners sent in a... I like this idea. We really like to publicly shame, you know, all different types of assholes in public. And one is just, you know, we encourage people to park like decent people.

So one of our listeners sent in, look at this fucking guy. So the question... I mean, look at this job. There's the line. Just say no. Yeah. There's the line here. Fuck off.

I have an alternate explanation, because sometimes this happened to me when I feel bad. The question is who parked first. That's true. Sometimes you're forced to park like an asshole, and then the other asshole leaves, and you look like the asshole. That's very true. And that's just unfortunate. It's happened to me at school.

He's not pulled in, right? This looks like it's impossible. It looks like he had to come off third. Right? Yeah. Unless before this card to the left was over here or something. That's what I'm thinking. Exactly.

Well, this guy took, I mean, look at that. Look at that. That's far. So he left him a note on the car. Oh. Hey, asshole. I wish whatever cunt bag you came out of would have taught you how to park. I wish you the most extreme explosive diarrhea known to man.

Good luck. Love. White hot cum dump. Piss on me and beat me. Jesus. Oh my God. Well, I think it probably was an asshole part. Because everyone's lined up.

Probably was. Everyone's really lined up. Guess where I'm staying United is from. Where? We finally found out. Where? Tell him I'm dying. I'm getting Mexico.

I'm putting money on Mexico. We saw a video of this guy, and he does his version of staying alive. Do we show them? Of course. Of course. Oh, my. Staying United. Staying United.

Staying United. Staying United. Staying United. Staying United. Staying United. Staying United. Staying United. Staying United.

Sounds like it might be his last breath. So, yeah. First time we saw this was this video. Since then, we've been sent. There's more. Dozens of videos of him doing. You see it on YouTube? From where?

Well, everyone has like will, wherever they see this guy will, he'll do his stay United, stay United, stay United. And then they'll send it into us. So, we've played it over and over. We're like, where the fuck is this? And we saw some writing at a restaurant he was in front of that I looked up and was in Spain. We're like, oh, maybe he's Spanish.

Turns out, our man is from, his name is Omar Jackson Batata. And he is from Batata. He's from Morocco. Oh, snap. I wanted to say I sent something Middle Eastern. Yep. No shame. It was like.

This swag. Interesting. Batata means sweet potato in Hebrew. Yeah. Really? It does. Yeah. Omar potato.

Anyway, this is, yeah, that's, he, we've been, we, they keep sending us videos of him singing. Singing. Well, God bless us. Sweet soul. Dude, he's the raddest. Yeah. Yeah.

He's actually a talent, man. I mean, when you watch him, I pay money to watch him do that. Masked in square garden. He might sell out. Cause we've been sent. 12 o'clock in the afternoon. What about scatting? Do you guys know what that is?

I mean, I know there's two meanings to scatting. One involves shitting and the other is like beep-bop. Right. So there's people like skeep-a-doo-bop, beep-bop, boop-bop. Like, I would rather watch that guy do the Stay In Alive song 10 times in a row than watch 20 minutes of scatting. Sure. You don't like scatting or you like him?

No, I like Stay In Alive guy. Because we've been sent videos of people scatting and we're like, if you were to watch that as a show, which one would you go to? Yeah, that guy's a legend. He's out in the desert of all places. So hot. Missing teeth. So is someone directly recording him and sending you guys?

Or is it online? Oh, no. It's online. It's online. All these videos are submitted from the listener. No, but I think there was a listener who actually saw him, though. So lucky. Yeah.

Yeah. He's like a rare Pokemon. He really is. Yeah. He really is. And he always does his version of Stay In Alive. And then they sent us a picture of him with teeth. No.

Yes. I almost don't want to see it. Yeah. Yeah. Let's see it. Oh, man. Where's the Stay In Alive guy with teeth? It's going to ruin everything.

I know him one way. Staying alive teeth, let's see. Don't you dare. Don't you dare. Staying alive teeth. I want that thing. I want that thing. Now, do you guys have local weirdos in your neighborhood?

Yeah. They're not wacky. They're a little scary. Yeah. What do you got? We had a bearded lady in our old neighborhood. Really? See, you guys are in a really, it's a nice, ours is closer, is like really close to Ventura.

So there's a lot of... We'll get like two homeless guys who will always be there. I mean, there's one specific corner across from CVS that is always covered in shit, pew, and garbage. Yeah. And I mean, like... That's right. That's right.

There's like one spot. Cool. That we walk by every day. Yeah. And there's just, yeah, there's some transients that... The thing about transients, and I hate being like judgmental because, you know, I feel bad for... I wish we took better care of homeless people in this country, but the thing that scares

me about these transients is that I just feel like they're loose cannons. Like they're unpredictable. Oh, because of mental illness. Yeah. They're just unpredictable. You know, one minute can have a dollar, the next minute, fucking... Yeah. The transients you're saying.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. I've been in a little coffee shop with a guy who walked somebody in and was like, get him whatever he wants. And the guy goes, oh, yeah, thanks, man, and he orders a sandwich and a coffee, then he goes over and I watch him open the coffee and I'm just staying there and takes a packet of sugar and he puts it in, and then a second, and then a third, fourth, fifth. He puts in like 13 packs of sugar and I was like, whoa, I didn't realize, I was like,

holy shit. And then the guy goes, here's your sandwich. He's like, you're not going to fuck with me. And flips out at the guy, says he's trying to poison him. He hands him the sandwich, he throws the sandwich to the back of the... Oh, shit. It's fucked up. Yeah.

Yeah. I feel like... We tried to do that to one guy and he was like, it was going to wait outside the restaurant and we went and got food for him and we'll come back out and he's not there. Yeah. But that happens a lot. But there's like paranoia. Yeah.

You know, you're mentally ill. Yeah. Yeah. But then there's entertaining homeless. Oh, there he is. Yeah. This is not with the teeth, obviously. Does he do any other songs?

Is he just trying to hype himself up because life's tough? I'm literally staying alive. I'm fucking desert. I love that he just does the sounds of the words. What are they from? Yeah. Samaritan. Samaritan.

I think he doesn't speak English. That's right. Yeah. I used to do that, too. And you go, stay united, stay united, stay united. Stay united. Staying alive. Did you sound out like things that sounded like it was?

Like in your head? Yeah. Definitely. When we first met, Hila barely spoke English. What? We had difficulty communicating. Yeah. So wait, you're just smitten with her when you meet her and you start like emailing or

how do you do it? Well, you meet at the Holocaust Museum. We know that. Yes. Yes. And you're feeling romantic. We're loved. You're like, this is a nice setting.

Yeah. Shout out to Hitler. I was excited about that. I do all him that. Hey, you know, we just hit it off. We liked each other's company, obviously. It wasn't like in a romantic way at the time. Really?

I was interested. Okay. Yeah. I wanted to fuck. I think I knew that, too. You know. But I was like, well, he's going back to America. But you know this guy, you like, you know, like, she's not separate girl to give it up.

She's not looking for cheap fuck. She's not looking for cheap fuck. She's a good girl. Which is great. I like, you know. So you did. You got up. I wasn't like aggressively trying to, you know, have sex with her.

No. No. You knew that you had a good girl on hand, though. Yeah. That's a sweet girl. Yeah. I, you know, which I liked. So how do you say, like, wait, how, how soon after the meeting do you leave?

You only see her once? We were there. We were together for a week. It was a week kind of activity. But hanging out. We were hanging out all the time when we were there together. And we just stayed in touch via, you know, email and Skype. And Facebook.

I didn't know what Facebook was. And Ethan and all the Americans told the Israelis, you guys should get Facebook. They're like, what is that? That's how it really was. So everyone exchanged emails and it was kind of, when the, it was like a trip, you know, we were a group. So everyone was like, oh, it's sad that it's ending. So let's all exchange emails.

But I guess most of them probably didn't actually stay in contact and, and we did. We did. Did you send a message like you're trying to smash or like that kind of thing? She knew. She knew. Yeah. So you go back, you see her just via Skype, email stuff. When do you actually physically see each other again?

It was a while. You had a boyfriend. What? A year? She was. And even then I just came to, I came here for two months and I went back and then another year. Damn.

Yeah. I was persistent, man. I really were. It was good for you. Because a guy like me gets a girl like that interested. You follow that thread as far as it'll take you. And that's what made it actually. The fact that he was so persistent because I never thought it would be possible.

I don't know. And then he's like, I'm coming to Israel. Dude. I'm moving. I, I came here first. Oh, you did? Okay. When I finished the army, everyone in Israel usually likes to take a trip somewhere.

After the army. After the army. For like. Is the commitment two years? Four years. It's two for women. Three for men. You believe that?

Yeah. Yeah. I didn't serve and I'm angry about it. So I finished the army and then I was like, well, everyone takes a trip somewhere. I'll go. I know where Ethan is. And I had a brother here in LA too. So I was like, I'll make that my trip.

And I like from the first moment moved in with him. Oh my God. When you look. So you're like essentially visiting, but you moved in. Yeah. It went from like Skype relationship to living together. Wow. And then by then we like, look, I'm trying to, now I'm trying to get in.

I'm trying. Yeah. It was obvious that. Hand movement? Yeah. It was. Yeah. There was Tom.

You know what I'm saying? Yes. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? We had, we did have, we probably did have a, we consummated probably the relationship that evening. Oh, wow. But that, what we knew that we didn't know that that was actually, because either had

a boyfriend. Uh-uh. For a while. Somewhere in the middle of that. Yeah. Um. It was almost like my, it was almost like my attempt at like, let me really see if I really can have an Israeli guy and make my life simpler.

Cause this whole thing is going to like be so complicated for everyone. Yeah. And like my parents hated the idea that you're seeing a long distance. I don't know. I didn't know much about your, your boyfriend you had in Israel. Oh, let's talk about it. Was he interesting? He was okay.

No. Was he like Mossad? Like really? No. I mean, we were all just like out of the army. No one was doing anything. Like six, four. No.

Ripped. No, he was. I think I saw a picture of him. He was, he was ripped, right? No, he's okay. He's not a 10. He's not like, oh, he wasn't a 10. No.

She's like a nine is not a 10. Okay. What was he on a scale of one to 10? What was he on a scale of one to 10? Who's a 10 for you? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

He was embarrassed about this stuff. Yeah. What celebrity? I don't even know who's a 10. I don't care about people based on their looks. That's how I ended up with her. You see? I don't.

I found that girl, she's like, I don't care about looks. I dated a couple of good looking guys and they were like the dumbest guys I ever met. I went out, check this out. I went out with Christina and her ex boyfriend to celebrate him passing his bar exam. Like, because I knew her as a friend. So I was part of the celebrity dinner. While you guys were dating. So while she was dating her.

I was dating him. I was dating her. Tom and I were just friends. From doing comedy? From doing stand-up, yeah. And so my ex boyfriend had just passed the bar exam and we were all going to the strip club across from him. We were doing stand-up.

First we did dinner. We went to a big dinner first. Oh, right, right. Yeah. I thought that was after a show night. And you were already interested in that? Yeah, but I mean like, so she, I was also friends with like a couple other, like it was a group of us who were friendly that were comics.

And then I got, I think that she didn't call me. I think another friend was like, do you want to come out to this dinner like celebratory thing with Christina and her boyfriend? And I was just like, yeah, sure. I mean, we went out and then we had this nice dinner. I think it was probably like 10, 12 people. And then they were going to strip club and I was like, okay. And in the strip club, she comes up to me and is like, hey, I want to get a stripper

for my boyfriend. And everybody said to ask you that you'd be like, I don't know, like, which stripper to get. Yeah, because you're, because you're the dirt bag comedian. Now, here's two parts to the story. I wouldn't. That's not true. You're not, you're not a strip club freak.

No. But at the time, so this guy, this ex-boyfriend of mine, I was actually on the outs with him, which is why I would never get my fucking boyfriend on lap dance. Were you approaching Tom in a flirtatious way of like, I'm kind of into this guy or were you genuinely like, I want help getting a stripper for my boyfriend. No, I genuinely, here's the deal. I was too, too into getting rid of the current boyfriend. Like he and I were just kind of on the outs and I wasn't, I wasn't looking at dudes yet.

So I was more of like unconsciously wanting to push him off of me. And so I wanted him to get a lap dance in a weird way, I think to, to get rid of, like to get him interested in someone else, if that makes sense. And so I was talking to the other male comics that I'm friends with, like it was full charge and sickler and, uh, I forget Andrew Wantuck or something. And I was like, dude, which, like who's the guy that picks out the strippers? And they all point to Tom. And I was like, really?

So girls, the fucking dirt bag. How do you feel about that? You picked out the girl. I thought it was funny. I think it was, I thought it was funny. And did you pick a good one? I don't remember. I think I probably, you know, if somebody like knowing myself, like not remembering it,

I probably would have, uh, ran with the ball and been like, oh yeah, yeah, I'll tell you again. And like, yeah, you did, you totally were like, I'll help you out. But I liked you. I always liked you as a comedian. And I thought you were very talented. Like Tom never sucked at stand up. He's a freakish people who like from the first time he did, it was just amazing.

And we were all open micers and I ran a show and I would have him close out every show. I just saw almost every show. The closer he was so funny even back in your relationships, too. He was the closer. He was the one that came and right up, right? Pretty much. That makes sense. It's true.

I actually got, I got in there. I made it a deal. He did get in there. Yeah. She was like such, she was like such a punk rock. She was like wearing fishnets and knee high boots, smoking cigarettes out on the sunset. I was like, Jesus. So angry.

This was before therapy. I was like, where are you from? I should have. If you were. I did not say like that. If you were. I'm all LA girl. You're like, I'm from LA.

Everywhere else sucks. It's true. Okay. If it's not LA, shit. That is her philosophy. Oh, I'm so pro-LA. I'm like, except for Israel. I love it.

I love Israel. Well, have you been there? No. I wanted to. I go there. That's cool. That's right. No, as far as the U.S., I love LA.

It's my home. I just don't like leaving my area. I don't like it. It's comfortable. Yeah. It's comfortable. That's what it is. You learn as you get older.

Everyone's like, God, this idea in their mind. Like the trip of a lifetime and a neat adventure. There's nothing. There's nothing good out there. No. You know what I mean? Yeah. There's nothing out there.

No. It doesn't. No. It's not good. What's out there? The same shit, except you don't fit in. Different food. Different flavors.

Do you not like traveling? It's okay. Yeah. It is overrated. I swear to God. It is overrated. I swear to God. Traveling is severely overrated.

I think you would really click on my dad. Well, going through LA ads. I've got to get my dad on the phone with you. My dad, I was like, my dad's retiring in December. God bless him. Yeah. I'm very happy for him. I go, do you want to travel?

He's like, I want travel. And I go, somewhere like, let's say you haven't really been to and enjoy Italy. He's like, Italy. Italy. He goes, what do I want to do that for? I go, I don't know. Museums. He's like, oh, shit.

I hate that shit. That's amazing. I go, why? And he's like, I mean, if once you see a painting, you saw it. He's right. I go, who actually, you have to pretend to enjoy museums. Oh, I don't enjoy spending more. Nobody who's an honest person enjoys museums.

It's fucking stupid. And you only go because you think you're supposed to like it. There is a degree of that. I agree. I think there's moments of enjoying a museum. There's moments. That's true. That's very rare.

What's the moment? No, I'm saying, you know, what's the moment I enjoy when I get a fucking like lunch and I sit down? That's true. That's true. It does feel like. A bench you just sit. I think a part of it is you're telling yourself you're more sophisticated.

That's not true. Right. And that you're like, oh yeah, this is where this was done. And you learn something about it. So in that moment, you go, I actually know now. Now you know. The year Monet did this. I feel like that.

Yeah, I remember that. Yeah. I used to take a, when I studied abroad, we had to go to a museum. To a museum once a week with a whole class every week. Did you enjoy that? Yeah, because you're actually getting a dosage, an injection of that feeling. Right. Because you're actually walking through the museum with an art professor who is so, you

know, so informed that it's like getting a super tour, you know, and then you leave there being like, I'm a museum guy. Yeah. But then you go back by yourself. You're like, I gotta get the fuck out of here. Yeah. Yeah. So there's a little bit of like self manipulation.

I think. Yeah. It's to make you feel smarter. Go ahead. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, as a kid, when you go to like, when you know as a kid, we go to like Chicago Museum, Natural History Museum.

Those kinds of things are cool. Yeah. Fucking dinosaurs and shit. Yeah. That's just cool. I feel like it's just people want to do something with themselves. Like when you go to, we went to Montreal and we were like, okay, what can we do here? And then there's like, oh, there's a museum, you know, I don't know.

I don't know. That's the top rated attraction in the whole fucking city. What do adults do other than eat and drink? Yeah. The problem with us human beings is that we don't have anything to fucking do. This actually brings up the anniversary. So our anniversary is coming up, 10 years. Wow.

That's incredible. Congratulations. I was like. You guys need to take the trip of a lifetime. Well, we were talking about what to do and I was like, let's go to an awesome restaurant. She's like, that's all we do. All we do is eat and more expensive eating. What else are we going to do?

And so, I don't know. She was like, think of something more exciting. I'm like. Got ideas? Tough. No? We can't think of something to do. I personally really want to, I have never been to Hawaii.

I want to go stay like a romance. You have to do that. See that kind of travel. I like beaches. I like relaxing places. Good taste, good smells. We can't do that with the babies. No, not yet.

We have to wait. What can you do? I have a problem like every fucking weekend. Right. What are you going to do? You do. You've got to eat. That's it.

That's it. Can I tell you what I do? Ela doesn't really like eating. I have to tell you. No, she doesn't. Wait, what's an Ela? Like what's a fun adult thing? Like if I'm like, let's do something really fun this weekend.

That's the thing. I don't know. She doesn't have a single answer for you. Dog park? You guys have a dog? I don't really enjoy that. I go there for him. Yeah.

I do that so that he's not all energetic and driving me crazy. Movies? It's okay. When the movie is good, but I'm tough. Tough, yeah. You know what's funny when you're saying this? This is the exact moment I was like, oh, I'm ready to have kids. Because I was like, what the fuck am I doing with my life?

How many brunches can I have? Right. How many fucking dinners can I eat? And then you're like, oh, yeah, my life? Maybe that's what I'm saying. It's the same shit. Yeah, or just like when people, like we have two children and they're young. They're pretty much housebound and sometimes you feel trapped and you're like, I want to

go somewhere. But you're like, where am I going to go? We never did anything before we had kids. Now we're just home doing our kids. You realize with kids? Let's go to the Getty. Yeah, I don't want to do that shit. Give me a break.

You realize when you have kids that all you did was chill hard before you had kids? I was like, oh, you should just lay around all night. Awesome. Do anything. You know what else I don't want to do? And I think if I say it out loud, I'm going to get like a torrent of fucking hate mail. Like I have zero desire to see Hamilton. I saw it.

It's rap. But I only did it. I didn't even know that. But I only did it. I didn't know it was a fucking dumb rap. Oh, did you see it? No, dude, but I heard it was rap and I was like, that fucking sucks. She said it to me the other day, like it was a realization.

She goes, did you know Hamilton's rap? I was like, of course. Everybody knows Hamilton's rap. I didn't know that. That's the hook. And the guy who plays Hamilton's like Puerto Rican. This sounds terrible. Although he is Puerto Rican.

So after Ethan saw it with his mom, which was a nice thing, he took her to see it. My mom loves it. Very nice. But OK, Ethan loved the music and he kept playing the soundtrack. Oh fuck. And I hate it. You hate it. She hates the soundtrack.

I love it. You listen to Hamilton's soundtrack? No. I love that she hates it. I hate it. So everyone hates me. No, it's just funny to me. I've never heard it.

I've never heard it. Is it like? It's just a single track. By the way, I'm not insane. If you go to the top charts, the soundtrack of this play is like, people are listening to it. People love it. I know.

I'm not insane. But it's like catchy and it would get stuck in my head even though I hate it. Like what's the jam? What's the big Hamilton jam? Sing me like the jam. What's the best? You want me to sing? I don't know it.

Oh, you know what? What was one of the... There's this bit. You guys want to throw up a bit? Sure. I don't know if we can do that. No, we can't throw up a bit. Oh, because it'll get flagged.

I'll show you a bit. Okay. Yeah. But King George is this really hilarious character because everyone's all scrappy, hip-hop, like trying to build a nation. And King George has these really hilarious bits where he's so out of touch and he's singing like classically. It's great.

Okay. You're going to love it. The King George rap is the one I should search? Not rap. Wait, but how does the... That one's not rap. He's like, I'm building a country. Is it?

Yeah. How's it go? I don't know. I'm not here to defend. It's been a while, so now I'm trying to remember how it goes. I don't know. I can't sing a song. Y'all.

I can't sing a song. I'm not. But at any rate... We all got slaves. It's crazy. Yeah. It's kind of, that is the truth. Yeah.

I like that. My mom is into theaters, so I took her. I had a lot of fun. That kind of brings about one thing I wanted to ask you before. I know it's getting, you know, we've been running for a while here, but your mom, would you ever date your mom? Of course. That happens.

I'm your mom, and you're my son, and I am falling in love with him. No. He said, are you really? I said, yes, I am. He said, you know what? I was scared to let you know, too. I am, too. No.

If both are sending adults, if it comes down to it, you know, it's just like the gays. They're, you know... Just like the gays. As long as they're over 18, everything's fine. So is she going to jail? They got arrested. Yeah. Is it illegal incest?

I think so. I think marrying your mom is illegal. Fucking your mom, I don't think. Wait, why did they go to prison for it? Because they're married. I think because they put it out there instead, like, instead of just fucking your mom and keeping your mouth shut, and they had to do news fucking pieces about it. Just fuck your mom in peace, dude.

Stop telling everyone that you're fucking your mom, and you're fine. I thought you were looking for an answer. I was like, what? I was like, does anyone... Well, it's important to know the health and... I'm curious. It's just like the gays. It's just like the gays.

Why have I never seen this before? This is one of our favorites. Where do you... How do you find this stuff? This stuff gets sent to us every week. This show is listener-generated. This is Motherfucker. Where do they send it to?

Our fence. We have an email that goes to... Your mom's podcast at gmail.com. Our fence. What's up? We don't get this stuff. This is amazing. Why have I not seen this?

This is a classic clip, though. I mean, this is not this week. It's like the gays. It's classic jeans. Yeah, just like the gays. Ask them, will you ever date your mom? Is it where you date your son? Imagine being someone's mom and saying that.

19 years. You're the best thing that ever happened to me, and I really want to be with you the rest of my life. Is 19? 19. Yeah. I really want to be with you for the rest of my life. It's your son, you fucking loony tune.

She's fucked up. You will be with them. What is your problem? Why do you hate love? But, you know, in another sense, I don't know if they need to go to prison for fucking a child. I mean, kids. Fucking kids.

He's 18. Yeah, he's of age. I don't know better. He's consenting it all. Consent, though. Gays do the same thing. I'm with them. The gays do it.

Follow the logic. Follow the logic. If the gays can fuck, then I can put my dick in any goddamn thing I want. That's right. That's the logic here. Including, and especially, my mom. The first approach was actually me. What happened was we were hanging out.

Imagine hanging out with your friends. Just talking. I was just laughing, and I looked at her, and she looked at me, and I just, I kissed her. It was a real kiss. I want to die. Yeah. Yeah.

This is worse than anything. Do you guys watch this clip a lot? Yeah. It's pretty. It's on the rotation a lot on the show. You guys are amazing. It's a classic. I'm trying to learn from you guys.

You guys are almost 500 episodes. You do one episode a week. That's incredible. Yeah. You guys are gross. I'm trying to learn from you guys. Oh, please. We're a mess.

We're terrible. No, you're not. Can I tell you? What happened? Those two were separated, so she didn't raise him the way a mother would. Okay. So they did have... Apparently it's kind of common.

It's a syndrome. It's a syndrome. Dr. Drew said that it is common. You fall in love with your... No, that helps the story. The figure that's not there. Yeah. Why do we got to lock him up?

I mean, that's not certainly going to help this kid psych you out, is it? Her, not him. They're both in prison, apparently, according to... They are? Both of them? What's going on? I should ask them if they think my... So much is wrong.

This is great. He's propelled by his own shit. Yeah. Did it? Yep. I saw that. We have a lot of fan artwork. We have some that hang...

You guys have great fans. So I guess it's like the Woody Allen case, in a way. Right. Sunyi was his stepdaughter, and... Except she did grow up with him, right? Yeah. Well, that whole story is fascinating to me. The most fascinating thing about Woody Allen fucking his stepdaughter and marrying her

is that they have stayed together. Yeah. Yeah. It wasn't like he's around fucking kids. They're still married, going on 22 years. Yeah, dude. Wow. That dude, that is the most impressive.

Yeah. So there's something... I don't know. Love. Because he knows how to lay the wood, if we're being honest. Man, look at that guy. That's right in the fucking name. Yeah.

Stepdad. Can I tell you one time? I... My stepdad and I went to kiss, like, over Christmas, I was like 19, and like, he turned his head as I went to kiss him, and I accidentally, like, kissed him on the mouth. You know, and you're like... Oh, what? It's so fucked up.

Unless you mouth... Do you mouth kiss your parents, normally? Fuck no. I know. I hate people to see that. That's a weird shit. Super weird. You...

The first time I saw that, I have a neighbor across the street. It's so upsetting. He was a friend of mine. And they said, bye, I love you. First of all, I don't even say, I love you to my parents, like, when we go. Like, they say... Like, there's families that say, I love you whenever they leave the house, and that's fine and sweet.

I just found it bizarre, because we don't talk to each other like that much, like that. But then they kissed on the lips, and I was just like... I was like... That's... Yeah. I've seen that, too. It's very odd. Weird.

I don't know why. I think... I just feel like the instinct, too, with like... Because we have babies, you see these puffy little cheeks, like, you kiss cheeks. Yeah. Or you kiss them on the mouth. It just seems... It seems like out of the way, abnormal to do it.

Too romantic. It's romantic. It is. Let's get some laughs going. So, have you... Oh, fuck off. I hate this one, too. Oh.

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. It's so mean. Oh, my God.

Why do I look like he got shot? There's a car. There's a car. Oh, my God. Oh. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

No, that's just his... Those legs. Hey, I've got to see the impact again. I'm just confused. Cause I thought I saw combustion. Oh, my God. What? What's happening here, though?

I know. Are you seeing this? Of course. What's inside there an explosion? No, I think... It's that he dropped his clipboard, you know? No, I thought there was too, yeah. Well, who's the car?

A bad driver. And your booze is a clown. Stuck. I'm stuck. That's what he's saying. Stuck. Look who's laughing hysterically. She's got a great sense of humor.

This is the happiest she's been in this whole episode. You're sick like my husband. You got mental problems like Tom. See how concerned he is over here? This guy doesn't give a fuck. That's the funniest part, is that guy laughing? Yeah, he's just like, God damn it. Now we're going to be late for lunch.

That's what his thought was. We're going to miss lunch. Yeah, that guy's going to have a rice bowl. Doesn't give a shit. I swear. Is the scream funny to you? Yeah. See, I told you.

I told you. I'm sorry to do this to the listeners and everyone. Is there a slow motion setting? It's the clipboard. Let me see. That's what it is. Yeah, it's slow motion. It's that...

Oh, yeah, it's it. It's heavy. No. You're right. You'll notice Ethan with compassion doesn't laugh upon the impact. And Hila, the sociopath like Tom, is laughing hysterically. We'll both take the test, OK? Yeah.

I'll send you the test. We're all taking the test. We're going to learn. Yeah, though, this is another class. It's an all-time favorite clip. I mean, it's fun. It's garage worker crushed by a car. Oh my God.

It reminds me of a... I could love to show you some videos now because this brings... We got to do... Yeah, we'll do a cross thing of videos. Hold on. So... Wait, are you trying to show me something? I want you to do that.

Oh, OK. Another big hit. Just to get your... Actually, this is probably the biggest hit that we've ever had. No, I don't... Oh, this guy coming up, correct. Yeah, this is the... It's probably one of the most successful videos.

OK, you ready for it? Here we go. Here we go. Black guys who love to fuck and fuck good. If you're a hot black guy and you want to fuck me at $23.95, if you want to move in, you can move in, but you got to fuck me. I need to be fucked a lot, man.

Get free food, free rent, and everything else, man. You have to deal, man. Men from jail, homeless, or... You're a thug. You want to come. You move in. A friend can move with you, too, man. Free rent.

You get a lease and a key. Fuck me. Oh my... You see me when I come over today and try it out? Try it out, man. Dude, my mind's been tried out. I'm going to fuck a piss on me, try it out. Seriously, it's probably the only one that's fucked, man.

I'm looking for hardcore guys that mean it. I want to do it, and I want to deliver it. I'm a hot white trash. Come to the fuck. Dude, this guy... I admire him so much. Yeah, so do we. Because he knows exactly what he wants,

and he wants it so bad. He's so bad. And he's so open to it. What is he doing while he's recording? That's such a mystery. There is some shoulder movement going on. There's no shirt, right? That wants to get fucked that bad.

Yeah, probably. All very observant. You guys are... You're really observing this similar... It took us a long time to dissect this video. There's a lot of meth. We had Dr. Drew even watch it. Oh, the meth.

You can smell the meth. I feel like that... That desire to get fucked. That's a meth thing, right? I don't know. It's all a meth thing. I don't know. But he definitely wants it.

I don't think I've ever wanted anything that bad. I don't know that I've ever been that horny, even when I was like, you know... Yeah. Hitting pubes. You're a hot black guy. You're a hot black guy. You're a hot black guy.

You're a hot black guy. You're a hot black guy. You want to fuck me at $23.95? If you want to move in, you can move in. But you gotta fuck me. But you gotta fuck me. That guy's killing you. If you move in with me, you get free food,

free rent, free lease, and a key. If you have anything else, man, he is the deal man. And he's a deal man. He's a deal man. He's the deal man. He's a deal man. He's a deal man.

He's a deal man. He's a deal man. Man from jail. Homeless. You're a thug. You want to move in, you're flexible. People really took to it. You know, I love it.

Free rent, lease, and a key. Fuck, he's gonna piss on me, beat me. I love when the audience gets submit. That was wonderful. Yeah, that was fun. You guys have a great community. We really do. They're the best fans.

They're very great. They're so fun. You guys are so fun. I hope we can do it again. I know it's getting late in the day. Too, that was great. I love to. Why?

How long has it been? Well, what time is it now? It's 3.40. You made me throw my phone, so I don't know. I mean, the whole episode is already over two and a half hours. Really? You guys have been here more than an hour and a half. Okay, you guys record it already?

It doesn't feel long. Yeah, you did like half an hour right before. Yeah, we did a little bit longer. What did you guys talk about? We just did clips mostly. This weekend was sort of uneventful. I took a massive shit this morning. Really?

We didn't even talk about that. We weren't responsive. Clean? Oh, my God. We're on this paleo diet to lose baby weight, and the Browns have just been unbelievable. Good quality. Really good. Easy wipes.

Yeah. Easy wipes. Pretty astounding. I have like three a day that are just healthy and substantial. What are you doing? Same thing. What the fuck? So bread is actually what's causing all the issues?

No, no. Sugar. Yeah, what is it? I don't know. I don't know. I mean, look, I don't need a variety. There's fiber in this diet. That's what it is.

You know, Chris D'Elia put me on this... Metamucil. Yeah, that's shit. That's good. Awesome. Chris takes nice shits, huh? Apparently, if you ask him, that's what he'll tell you. Apparently, he says the wipe him doesn't even matter to him because it's like a one wipe.

Wow. Wow. Did you do it? Bro, I take that shit like... It's kind of crazy. You get this big bottle and they're like huge pills and you're like, oh, I'll just take a couple with every meal. You're supposed to take like eight a day.

No. Metamucil? Nah. So, you know, you got... But like I started to take... Oh, something happened in my... I think maybe I'm... Oh, really?

Oh, I'm good now. I'm good. But I started taking like two with every meal. Oh my God, dude. It's crazy because I usually have like really, you know, noxious shits, like really toxic. Well, I mean, not just smelly. Like I'm talking like sometimes you'll get shit on the side of the bowl. What?

You're one of those guys? Sometimes... That's how your dad is. I always wonder how that happens. It's not every day. It's a special occasion, but sometimes you're wiping like your thigh. Wow. Let me put it that way.

Not every time, but sometimes you're wiping your thigh. And you're like... That's like really thick. That's like Crohn's disease. Oh my gosh. But I don't know if so. That's a porn girl. That's a lady from a fart video.

And I love that when they pretend to be shy, what they do is they fart and they're like, oh my gosh. Did I do that? Oh yeah. It's like the sexy... Oh, whoa. How? Oh my gosh.

Whoa. Did I do that? That was the gnarliest fart I've ever heard in my life. Have you guys heard of a guy named King Ass Ripper? No. You guys are tuned into... Why are we not seeing these videos? I mean...

You guys probably have a higher caliber of entertainment. No. But you guys are in the YouTube community, I feel like, because I've listened to your podcast and you'll be like, there's like rivalries and stuff between people I've never heard of. You're like, this guy's whatever. Yeah, we do. Beef with that dude and that.

Gossip. Yeah. It's like a whole other universe that we don't even inhabit. Yeah. We don't know anything about it. I really feel like 60 when I try to figure out some of that stuff. I'm like, what are these kids talking about? Yeah.

We had dinner the other night and you guys were explaining why people want to watch other people play video games and you're like, oh, but you were like, oh, they're good at playing the games and you want to learn how they do it. And I'm like, oh, that kind of makes sense now. Well, it's like watching professional athletes. It's not you want to learn to do it. You know how to play. You just will never be that good.

As amazing as they are. Yeah. I guess that's also a concept that's foreign to most people if they're not playing all the time because they probably go like, yeah, they're not that like the thought is that person is not that unbelievable because they don't know when I'm when I you don't play a lot. You don't go like that guy's great. Yeah. When I first met Ethan, I used to think like that too because he would put on this like

Starcraft, Starcraft, the nerdiest looking game. You look at it and you don't even understand what you're seeing. And he would watch people play and I didn't even know that existed. So now it makes sense to me after spending time. And getting to know it, I don't know. I think it's just at first you're like, what? Because people play like the Staple Center, right? Yeah.

Like these big, the big conventions and like the competitions are now in arenas. Yeah. Yeah. It's fucking crazy. But all my views are crazy. Like millions of people are watching online. To see a guy playing a game because, you know, it makes sense when you actually explain it.

Professional athletes. Yeah. It's the same. Same concept. Finger athletes. What? Sounds like he's doing heavy construction. How do you hold that much gas?

Yeah. I'm like, this is one he could split. Damn, he's got a, he's got a fat ass. Wait, what the fuck? That looks unnatural. So you got a whoopee cushion in there or some shit? No. Because I don't see his ass crack.

Well, he's, I don't know. That's true. It looks like he's wearing a diaper or something. He wears, he actually needs them. He gets playful sometimes and he'll do like a little leg lift or he'll do two thumbs up as he does it. That's what it sounds like when we lived in New York at like 8 a.m. outside and they're starting to do work on the street.

I love the tidy whities. I had a friend. I think I can explain this phenomenon. I've never heard this. I have a friend. He had a party trick. He would lie on his stomach and he could suck air up his ass. Oh, yeah.

Oh, you know about that. Oh, yeah. That's my video. Oh. That's my video. Warm it up. Where? Right there.

That's you? That's our first viral video. No way. That's your very first one? That's our first viral video. What's the most popular type of video? Are you able to gauge what the audience wants? You know what I'm saying?

What's the most popular thing? That we make? Yeah. They're called reaction videos. And it's you reacting videos? But it's just me watching something or making fun of something or satirizing something. And what are you watching? Like what kinds?

Like murder or bloody things? No, no, no, no. It's usually something stupid. Something stupid. Someone to make fun of. But your commentary is straight up comedy commentary, man. Like that's what you're doing. It's comedic take on things.

Yes. Yeah. It could be on a television clip show for sure. Yeah. I find it difficult to be funny when I don't have... I don't know. I'm not good at writing jokes, so I feel like I need something to direct my... Yeah, but then you end up making jokes about that.

Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. I don't like... I'm afraid of doing America's Funny Home Videos shit. Oh, yeah, but you're not doing that at all. No, you're not doing that at all. Never that late.

That guy, by the way, who was farting, so you saw his body for a moment. He's also, over the years, been a gainer, like gaining weight. Like... Attentionally. Yeah, fetishized. And like... He was free and fit. This is what he looks like now.

There he is. Oh, boy. This guy is... Interesting. This guy's got a path in life. I'm envious of him. Look how much weight he's gained. Yeah, he's pretty fat.

He was really healthy. He was. So people are meant to watch this and get turned on? Yeah. He won't come on our show. We've asked him. You've contacted him? So many times.

One time he made a video and dedicated it to us, and that was like his, I think. Can I see you? Can I say something that I really admire about him and people like him? You're turned on? No, I just... I like that they know what they like. That's true. Yeah.

I just got money. Really? Can I... I don't know. I think it got up to like a thousand or something, and he was just like... Is he in that area? No. What I'm saying...

What I'm saying like... It wasn't like he was like, that's not enough. How about this? He was just like... I'm good. Because he's... Because... He does it for the love of the game.

Yeah. I don't know. He's got rules. Right. No. No. No. No.

No. He's really gained a ton of... I like how he looks around kind of cautiously, like just watching this shit. Sometimes he'll just eat, he'll smash like six Egg McMuffins, and then a two liter, and then he'll get up and fart on food and then eat them. He farts on the food and eats it? Yeah. Man, I wish I found the videos you guys find.

I love your show. I love every... You know, our shows are kind of... They're kind of similar in a way. Yeah. Yeah. Minus the YouTube gossip. I think so.

I think you're right. You guys share a sensibility in a way. Yeah. You guys have fucking real sleeper cells out here getting you some good comfort. They do, man. They do. You guys are amazing. Tommy, remember his handle?

Was it on Lively? Look at this guy. He was like, I fart in yo face. Yeah. That was his... He kept getting kicked off of services. That was so funny. So he was on YouTube and Lively back and forth, and he was hairy and gross.

I fart in yo face. Hairy and gross. Yeah. How many views does this have? This one. Can we read some of the comments? Sure. Burger King score.

That's a lot. Dude. 16th out. Let's see. Five. Look at the description. Five. What?

Imagine more farts, please. I don't have a fetish. Oh, these are all your fans. Probably. Dear King Astrup, where can I donate money to have you make a video for me? Also, do you accept? Also, if you accept, can you do a shout out? Imagine working at Burger King and seeing some fat slob walk in with his own jar of mayonnaise

and do this. That's true. You'd be like, what the fuck? Hey, there's you guys. Yeah. Yeah. Why are people so angry? Yeah.

Yeah. They are. They always are. I know. Especially on... You guys put up with a different kind of... Look, stand-up comedians deal with hate and people not liking what you do, but I feel like in the YouTube community, man, that hate just seems real fucking immediate and direct

and like... It is. It's intense, right? Yeah, I guess. YouTube comments are just brutal. YouTube comments are hard, man. I don't... I try to stay away from this.

I mean, read mine. It's just like as a comedian or traditional media, there's just... There's a layer between you and the people that doesn't exist at all on YouTube. Right. It's just... There's no separation. Right. I think YouTubers against each other is a thing that doesn't exist following the comedian

world. No, we don't do that. Rap feuds? Rapper feuds? No, dude. So you guys have full-on rapper feuds with other YouTubers or something? No, no, no. It's more like...

People will make videos knowing that it'll get a lot of views. It's not like I know them or would respond to them or anything. Like it's a feeding frenzy when something happens and then everyone's like... Trolling. Not trolling. They're just making a video about it because they know it'll get a lot of views. Gotcha. It's a totally different game, man.

Totally different, man. Yeah, it's wild. It's wild. Yeah, because that whole thing of being able to quantify doesn't exist, really, in stand-up. You quantify... Like ticket sales? How many things are you getting? People kind of just go like, that's great, wow, that's a lot, that person should sell

more tickets. It doesn't really become like... It's not like a... Because we're not always publicized. You don't look somewhere and see ticket sales. The thing is like... And also you have this YouTube algorithm. So there's a bunch of people that are angry at us right now because we made whatever.

It doesn't really matter what, but... So there's this feeding frenzy of everyone making videos talking shit about us. So then YouTube algorithm is suggesting this video... You just saw this video of someone talking shit about us on the sidebar. So it creates this ecosystem. We saw this one channel that has no subscribers, gets on average 300 views per video, and they made a video talking shit about us, whatever, and it has 300,000 views. Jesus.

Like they're building... But it's like this ecosystem that the algorithm creates. Dude, we have to do that. So it's like... Oh, we have to make it. We have to start doing that. I can't. Yeah.

Or it's gonna be like... Ethan, just left here. We got shit to say. You would fucking get a lot of views. I know. We're gonna do a total exposed video. But it's just... It's like, you live and die by the...

It's funny that people would say that, like, make shit talking videos, especially because I think actually, even though we don't know you guys super well, we know you more away from that than from that. So to us, it'd be like, why would you make a video about those two? They're just super sweet. I know. You know what I mean? It seems weird.

You're like, what? It is weird. It's weird for me. Yeah, it's weird. And the part... Yeah, it's weird because they don't really know who we are, but they're just... It's just... I don't know.

It's weird. It's weird, too, because I feel like I didn't do anything wrong, but... And part of it, it's so painful sometimes, or difficult, is that you can't escape it like, I'll open YouTube, and my whole homepage, like right now, is just full of H3 hate videos because YouTube thinks that because I watch H3 videos, or anyone that watches H3, wants to see... So it's like, they're pushing it to all of our fans, and it's on my homepage everywhere, and that...

I don't know. It's tough, dude. It is tough. I can see it being... Yeah, that is tough. Especially because... It's unescapable. It's like...

You're right. The way that it's designed is supposed to heap on... It's just what's popular. Right? Like, it's a popularity contest, even if it's negative popularity, whereas as a stand-up, you release a special, people might hate you, they might tweet at you once, and that's it. Like, it doesn't kind of pile on and pile on, generally.

Right. It doesn't stay there, really. You know? It kind of goes away. It goes away. People forget how shitty you are, and then they move on to something else. And this will go away eventually. Yeah, it will go.

Now, it's like, YouTube has this fucking insane algorithm that knows that everyone sees that video, is like, what the fuck is this, and clicks it, so it's showing it to everybody. But it's kind of... It's sweet, in a way, knowing that you can create a whole ecosystem of hate videos. Gosh. And plus, you guys are so kind of, like, newer, right? You've been doing it for three years, right? Total?

Well, three years full-time, I guess you could say. Right. People might have been used to people hating us for, like, 15 years. And the first of it begins when you start featuring in clubs, and there's these thing called comment cards, because the club wants to basically collect email addresses, so that they can solicit... And they actually make you read this shit? They don't make you.

So what happens is, as a feature act, you're like, I wonder how people think about it. I wonder if I did great. And then you're like, you know, there's ten good ones, and then one horrible one. And you're like, fuck. It just crushes you. It's painful, for sure. But what happens is that dosage starts then, and then you go like, oh, I need to up the anti-venom a little bit, right?

So then still hurts, right? Like the next few times, but you just get... You build up that immunity to it after a while. Because I remember seeing a set that I did at a show at a festival was posted to something, and I'd never had someone post it. And then you had some people like, oh, funny, and then you see the first like, don't quit your day job, dude. This is a lot of garbage.

God damn. But it kind of comes with levels of exposure, too. It does. I just... I don't know why... Well, we were joking about it last night, wasn't it, when we got dinner? Oh my God, that was... Two nights ago.

No, it was two nights ago. Okay. God time. For me, it feels almost like a bee sting where you get... When you get stung more, you become more allergic to it. I think I'm just... I think like I'm in a really depressed place, so maybe it feels more painful now than it should.

Oh, I was going to tell you, if you are bummed out, don't go read your comments. Oh, there's one right now telling us we suck. Tell them you suck. Yeah. You're like, when I would be depressed, and then sometimes I would go... You're like, well, either you're going to make yourself feel worse by looking at Twitter or looking at the YouTube comments, or you're trying to look for a boost, right? So either you're fucked either way, because then you're like, there's five good things,

and then one person fucking hates your guts. So I learned in therapy, when you're feeling depressed, do not look at shit that will potentially make you feel worse. And your brain weirdly points you towards it. Yeah. You crave it. You crave it. And I know that.

It sucks, because I'm right now fully disengaged. And I think that a lot of our fans are bothered by that, because I'm very public. I say, I don't read any comments. I'm not even on social media. And the shame is that there's a lot of great people that I would love to connect with. But for me right now, in the place that I am, it's like you have to take... If you don't want the bad, then you can't take the bad without the good. It's like you either take the good and the bad, or you don't take any of it at all.

That's true. And I don't think I can take any of it at all right now. Then you know. That's right. You should listen to yourself on that. Yeah. And so that's why I'm trying to really disengage. It's good.

That's actually a very self-aware and intelligent move on your part. And have Ela filter through what she is doing for you, right? You're reading and keeping up, and then if there's nothing he needs to see, then he'll fucking see it. Yep. If not, he'll have to see his shit. I feel like people use that now, the fact that I am disengaged. Yeah.

Whatever. Whatever. Fall. I'm dealing with it. Yeah. Good for you. All right. This dude's here to put himself up.

Oh, Jesus. Okay. All right. We... This was really the best. Thank you guys. This was awesome. Let's do it again.

Let's do it again. Absolutely. Absolutely. You have to see the place I'm working on. I'd love to show it to you this time. Yeah. No. So, guys, if you don't know, if you're not one of the cool kids, the H3...

Where'd the name come from? Yeah. What's H3? Just our initials. Oh, okay. Oh. Ela Hackman and Ethan Edwards, my middle name. H3.

He was taken. Oh, gotcha. So, H3H3. Nice day. Okay, H3H3. Podcast. The gear that we've been rocking because we're models, Teddy Fresh from the mind, Ela Klein.

Thank you. Yeah. You guys are a lot of fun. Check out their amazing YouTube channel. They have H3 videos and there's H3 Podcast. Yes. There's all kinds of stuff. Our closing song, our listeners also send in songs they make.

It was called White Trash Come Dump by Patrick and that'll be it. Oh, the tour's on sale Friday. I'll have a blue band post. There's a tour video that was made of this tour to promote the tour. That'll go out on the channel on Friday as well. Go to TomSquare.com slash tour. Those are all new 2019 dates on sale Friday and that's it. All right.

Oh, and pick up the FGTRTD, Women's Only t-shirt now. For girls that ride till death, of which there are none in the room. That's rude shit. That's right. That is rude as well. Well, it's just factual. It's just factual. Okay.

And that is that. All right. Bye, guys.