Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 472-Whitney Cummings-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: October 31, 2018

Christina's new special The Degenerates is out on Netflix! Check it out, Jean.    Plus this episode is full of ladies! Ladies who shut it down, ladies who yell and scream, ladies with amazing email questions and two remarkable lady guests.  First, the great Whitney Cummings is a great, hilarious hang. We get into it with her in all the best ways.  AND Kate Chastain from Bravo TV's hit show, Below Deck joins us to discuss all things Yachty. Get ready to fantasize with us.

Good morning, Julia. All right. Here we are. Back for another episode of your mom's house podcast. It's a big day here, Jean. Huge day. Huge day. First of all, my Netflix half-hour on the degenerates premieres today. Actually, it'll be yesterday by the time you see this October 30th. It's ready. I am number six on the lineup. Joey Diaz is right before me, so you can catch your two faves, but check out the degenerates on Netflix. And also, I am proud to announce that I am also Polly and Bye. Yep. You need to tell your parents about it. I got to tell everybody about that. Also, I'm announcing a tour 2019, and it's called The Rider Die Tour. God, that's incredible. You guys are doing good. So first, San Diego,

November 24th, second show, 10 p.m., almost sold out. Get your tickets. Filler up Delphia, second show. Also, that one's going fast, December 7th. And then December 8th, Jewdork titties. That late show is just about gone in Jewdork titties at the Gramercy Theater. All right, here we go. 2019, January 10th at the Comedy Store in the main room here in Hollywood, California. And then I go January 31st to February 2nd, Denver, Colorado at the Comedy Works. February 28th to March 2nd, Madison, Wisconsin, the Comedy Club on State. April 4th through 6th, Mini Appletits, Acme Comedy Club. That's the first time I'm ever doing that one, so I'm super excited to go there. May 10th and 11th, 10 p.m. at the Improv and June 20th to 22nd,

Washington Dicom at the Dicom Improv. So that's just the first six months of the tour. And I know y'all asked me to give you a lot of time so you can come to all of these. This is my big ass club tour and my small theater tour. That's right. There you go. Christina P., online for tickets. Gene? Gene, huge shout out thanks to everybody that came to the shows in Fresno and Bakersfield. I had a blast. I did not know I would have such a good time and I did. I appreciate you guys. This week, there's very, very few tickets left. 100 or so in Fart Meyers and 100 in Augusta, Georgia. Jacksonville and Orlando are sold out. You said all those names wrong. Montclair is completely sold out. Both shows in New Jersey. Filler Up Delphia has tickets to the

late show on Friday, November 16th. And here's what I got for you for the Take It Down Tour. You go to tomscure.com slash tour. You can see all the dates. You've been adding shows all over the place, including the first added show January 4th in San Francisco. But excuse me, the two most recent ads, we're adding them today, are Madison, Wisconsin, April 11th. We're adding a late show. And we are adding another show before that, February 16th in Cleveland. Cleveland. Cleveland is French. Ohio. Thank you so much to both of those cities. The demand has merited second shows there as well. And I've had shows all over the country. So for people that keep and continuously mention cities that I have not just announced,

I'm telling you, they're going to come. I'm going to do a probably a couple months into the new year. I will announce the second half of 2019. I appreciate you asking me about it. It'll be all over Canada. It'll be all the US cities that you're wondering why I'm not hitting. They're all going to be there. All right. The business is out of the way. Let's get into some good stuff, Gene. We have incredible clips. We have an incredible guest. It's going to be really a lot of fun today. Where is, here we go. Here's our first one. Let's do it. Are you ready, Gene? Ready to get into this? Let's start, make sure that this is ready to go. Here we go.

Fuck you, both of you. 25. 25. Residential. Fuck you both. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house with Don Segura. Welcome to your mom's house. Big fan of this lady. We'll get into this in a second. Before I forget, I want to just remind people that they'll see something unusual, whether they're watching or listening. This week, we're going to tack on, we had an opportunity to sit with Kate from below deck. I love her so much. When the episode appears to be about to end,

we're going to smack on a real talk segment. Real talk for the new listeners is we used to really talk about a lot of reality shows a lot. It's one of our first segments, and we had the great opportunity to have her here in the studio. We talked to her for quite a while. It's below deck on Bravo. We've talked about this show before. We fell in love with Kate from the minute we saw her because her whole thing is she's the chief stewardess. She has resting bitch face. She's fucking fantastic. You're going to love the interview. We learn all about the yachting world. You'll never guess how much it costs to charter a yacht for a week. It's a really fascinating conversation with a really fun, funny, interesting lady.

She's great. This is not Kate. This is not Kate. I mean, they look not the same. Not the same. This lady is... God, I love this woman too, though. I love her speed. I identify with her, actually. Yeah, so do I. I mean, it's really unnerving when you're on a nice walk with your dog or your child, and you see someone speeding through the name. God damn it, man. She's a little heated, but, you know, it happens, man. I feel this way every time a motherfucker speeds on the street, don't you?

Of course, I hate it. Dude, I am inches away from being this woman right now. I've talked to the police department about the speeding on her. Yeah, good for you. Yeah. Good for you. I also can't wait until I'm this age, when, like, menopause is officially over and I'm no longer a woman. And you can shut it down. Shut it down. Stop wearing a bra, put on just sweatpants all day, every day.

Ready ass sneakers, the Where's Waldo shirt, and get that butch haircut, dude. I'm all about it. You're ready for it. And you'll have... And a sporty watch, too, a digital watch. A sporty digital watch. And yeah, you're just about that. I'm halfway there. I got the sweatshirt on already.

Your only priority is giving your dog a high quality of life. That's it. Yeah, that's all I want. Are you serious? I'm serious. You're in a goddamn residential neighborhood. 25 up the hill. See that? 25. Don't you understand?

Chill out yourself, assholes. I love her. Can we hire her to stand? What else do you think she's upset about? Can we hire her to stand on our street and do that? Wouldn't you love it? I would love it. That's such a good idea.

Give her a megaphone, though, so it projects. 25. Asshole. Always. As people are driving, you just hear things. You're both pieces of shit. People are looking around like what? Hey, fuck you, both of you.

It's pretty great. There's something about women. When you take out the instinct to attract a man, when that instinct has either gone through nature, stopping your menses, or by being a lesbian, like those women are like super women. I just love them so much. They really are great.

When you don't give a shit if guys like your energy. It changes everything. It changes everything. It's so funny, dude. It's just the best. Changed my energy. By the way, there's another... When I stopped caring, is that what you're saying?

Yeah, no, when I stopped caring. About male attention. About approval and attention. Yeah. People are following closely, sober October. I know. And the RX posted, he did a crazy workout. I just saw it.

On Instagram, I saw it. He wrecked you. Yeah, but guess what? I didn't upload my workout from yesterday. Oh, shit. So have no fear, guys. I can't believe how many people thought I would let them down. And none of us are going to win because Joe is too far in the lead.

Yeah, he's going to win. What I promise you is that I won't come in last. Well, that's the shame spot. That's the shame spot. That's really the only thing. This sober October, that's the goal is to just not be last. You can't be last. Because, yeah, Joe's going to be number one.

Obvi. Bert's going to... The 11th hour, like... Yeah, Joe or Bert, yeah. Halloween night, he's going to be up at like midnight. No, we actually have a cutoff time. When's the cutoff? The cutoff time is 7 p.m. Pacific, 10 Eastern.

On October 31st. Wow. Yeah. You think Bert's been sober this whole time? I do. I do think he's been sober this whole time. Okay. I really wish we could have had the bracelet.

I know. That would have been so funny, dude. And surveillance. I think it's called Scram or something. The Scram bracelet. Or we would get alerts if alcohol entered his system. That would be so humiliating. I know, it'd be so funny.

If we put the word out now, maybe in one year's time, somebody can donate that to the cause. Is there anybody listening that has a Scram bracelet? They could donate to sober October. There were hundreds of dollars. That's what I'm saying. That's why I'm putting the call out now. We have one year.

Someone who's affiliated with it will show up. All right. Anyways. Here we go. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Figure it out.

Figure it out. 25. I hope you get a goddamn fucking citation for a million dollars, you both pieces of shit. Her dog is really chill for having such a fired up owner. Well, she's in control of him. She's in control, dude. Of life.

He's living a human happy life. Fuck off. Fuck both of you. That's my favorite part. Feeding ticket. Fuck heads. Fuck heads. That's my favorite part.

God damn it. You know the one thing I like? To you. Yeah. Get a speeding ticket. Fuck heads. My mom would do that to people. Your mom would totally do that.

Yeah. All the time. It made me laugh a lot. Yeah. She one time she mocked a woman who was fake. Her crying. She was like, they're finding a parking spot and she was like, oh, you're going to cry.

Oh, you're pussy crying. Like, yeah. It's so crazy like this. Oh my God. But this chick's way funnier. But she's at fight up about other stuff though. Well, yeah. It's misdirected.

Yeah. It's always like, when you're this angry, I mean, God damn. Yeah. Just go. She lives in unhappy life. Fuck off. Both of you. Fuck you.

Got it. Hey, babe. Fuck you. Got it. Fuck you. Fuck you. You do not. Fuck you.

I'm on the outside, babes. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. That's a little too far. This is mental. Yeah, she can tell.

This might be drugs and metal in a segment. Yeah, that too. She definitely needs a better haircut. Needs a new haircut. And then she went from a really funny to a little scary. It went over. It went a little overboard. It was hilarious.

And then there's bending and then there's breaking. Yeah. Yeah. She's got that Lloyd Christmas haircut. The short banks. That shit never looks good, dude. Like the short short banks.

00:13:09,560 --> 00:13:11,640 She probably, oh no, this never looks good. No. She probably watched people speed for like years. Oh yeah. And these are the first people that she realized that she can yell at like this. Sure. It's your home, dude.

Okay. They are doing 40 miles an hour. I'm crossing the street, but my goddamn dog. These little pieces of shit. Just go. Okay. Yeah. Just go.

Just go. Yeah, she's not wearing a bra. She doesn't look so. No, I just saw the her nips. You think she has nice ones? Yeah, like mine. No, hers are hanging low. She needs a better bra.

I would like this. You know how, where else I would like her? On the speaker at the grocery store. Yeah. When the lines really back up. Yes. You know, and people start taking their time. I really like that.

You know where I want her? Trader Joe's parking lot. When that motherfucker who's in the parking spot and they're not backing out immediately. Yeah. Whoever's checking their email, sitting in the parking spot. Go, dude. I agree.

You have two seconds. Go. Fuck you. All right, see you guys. Fuck you. Fuck you. She's still talking. She's still talking.

They're driving away and she's still. That's why you're really fired up. Yeah. That ruined her whole day. That was really something. That was really something. These little pieces of shit. Life is so magical, isn't it?

It is really fascinating. See, I can see myself going down that path. Like let's say I'm a widow. You die and I'm that age. And I'm not getting with other dudes. The kids are grown. It's just me and the five dogs. Five dogs and me.

People are speeding. People are speeding and all I have is this house. Fucking motherfuckers. Yeah. All I have is my property. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah.

And then these disrespectful punks parked their car. They were probably speeding. They were. They were. They all do, dude. These kids. Yeah. In your mustay.

I don't know what this is here. It says the diarrhea challenge. Oh. My wife refuses to eat my ass because she thinks it's gross. Yeah, of course. However, she has agreed to what I'm calling the no diarrhea challenge. Or if I can go 90 days without having diarrhea,

she will try it out and eat my ass for a full two minutes. Problem is I can't go more than 72 hours without my B-hole doing an impersonation of the chocolate fountain that was in my sister's wedding. Any advice? Yeah, man. I mean, I really am pulling for you here, but I think number one, it's pretty obvious.

You need to change your diet dramatically. I'm going to see a doctor. Yeah, see a doctor. But make, make diet changes first. You might be able to solve it on your own. Or it's IBS. Because our dog was having bouts of diarrhea and. The first thing to check.

Inflamed bells. Is, is your diet. Check that diet. You might be all right. Like he might be lactose intolerant. Yeah. Or he just might be having like high fat or high five. You know, you just got to, you got to figure out

what you're eating and maybe changing it. Well, like when I eliminated sugar, my dumps changed dramatically. Yeah. You're very sensitive to sugar and fried foods. Like if we have a roll at sushi and it's, there's fried in it. Can't do it.

You get diarrhea immediately. Yeah. And then you're like, I'm not eating it tonight. Right. Um. Oh, I never eat your butt for. Especially those nights. For the record.

For the record, those nights, you're like, no, not anymore. Never, dude. Not anymore. This is a, uh, oh, this was our. Oh, I love below deck. I know we had our discussion about the. That check Hannah.

Yeah. Hannah and Cooper Caperson. Yeah. Something like that. Conrad Conrad, the, to remind people, the discussion was about how they were going to about to go out one night and the guy reminded the girl, he, who he had just like started dating a few weeks ago,

that she still owed him 50 bucks. And it created this very uncomfortable argument. Eventually basically led to them falling apart. Yeah. So here is an email about that. I was listening to your podcast this week, enjoy your discussion about the age gap couple on below deck. A variable that stuck out to me was that the gift in question

was a carton of cigarettes. This guy might not support Hannah's habit of smoking and not want to enable to a certain extent. For me, I'd eat the 50 bucks if it was dinner or clothes, but not cancer sticks. However, I'm not as European as these boat employees. I also have not seen this season. So maybe they both smoke.

I'd love to hear your thoughts, grace. Yeah, they do actually. They both do. They both smoke, but that was an interesting thought on her part. Then maybe he was a kind of whatever. Yeah, no, he wasn't. He wanted to see us back. He was cheap.

Yeah. He wanted 50 bucks. Or just poor. I should say poor. Um, I mean, I don't know. I get it, dude. Poor is not fair. He's a working guy.

He's not poor. But when you were 21 or 23, 50 bucks was like. But poor implies basically unemployed and like living in a box. He was being cheap. That's true. Look, it's a real exciting day. Let's just celebrate.

Okay. Hey, everyone. Darkbrook here. Maybe you know me as Trisha's husband. I'm saying today is the day. Celebrate. It's a Queen's birthday. So I'm taking over all our socials,

asking you to post hashtag. Happy birthday, Trisha. Okay. There's cakes, cupcakes, your favorite meal. Whatever she'll eat them all. She knows you love her. Okay. She loves you.

I love you. Thank you. He's probably like, who the fuck let that queen go off? Okay. Can't tell you how great a weekend that was. Started in Portland, came to Dallas, now home to Nashville for some sleep. Yay, you had a wonderful time.

Love you guys. Thank you for everything. Everything. Can we start with the first one? Yeah, sure. No, here's the thing. To the casual observer. And I've been reposting these on Instagram

and I read the comments and some people are like, what a psycho, dead behind the eyes, 100% crazy. And then there's the oddball who's like, well, what's wrong with Garth? He seems super nice. And you're like, you're missing the point. Yeah, but that's the same type of person though. That likes that shit.

You can't explain it to him. Yeah. You can't explain someone like that. There's like people who get it and then don't get it. Yeah, no, I know. When I posted his stuff, I mean, it was 90% like, what a fucking blood thirsty maniac. And then like six people were like, how dare you?

He's a saint. I can't believe that you don't like, he's the greatest. Well, there's no debate. Listen, we're not debating this man is talented. He's so talented and he's so successful. And he's beloved by many. There's no question about that.

However, I feel like he's being disingenuous when he does the social media posts because he's not being him. And you can tell it reads so false. You know why he's not being himself? Because he's a demon on the inside. He is a demon on the inside and he also The darkness is there. He's so removed from regular people.

Yes. And he's been so famous. First of all, so famous. Yes, I know you're right. Not famous, but so famous for so long. So long, dude. That he has no idea, no idea how to connect with, he's imagining like the guy at the gas station who's like,

hey, Garth. And that's who he's like, I gotta talk to that guy. And he's always big smiles or waves. I remember me. I'm a big fan. I like that you guys are fans. I'm a fan of you. That's the funny thing.

You think you're a fan of me? I'm a fan of you. Well, he's faking sincerity and mostly he's faking being humble. And I think that's what reads to me of like, come on now, like you're faking and also this shit about, I'm Mr. Yearwood here. I'm Mr. Yearwood, which is so fucking condescending to the wife. It's so fucking condescending. Like, first of all, your fame level is just stratosphere.

Like you're at the top of the top of the food chain of show business, dude. Nobody rivals Garth, I think in terms of like, like he's amazing. So for him to be like, I'm just a humble pie, Mr. Yearwood. It's bullshit. The guy easily has a triple digit body count. And we don't know how many people he's killed. And I feel like, you know. Yeah. Game recognized games.

You dig up plots of land on his ranch. It's just mass graves. Yeah. Yeah. Crazy train. Yeah. For sure. Or maybe not that, but maybe he's really mean behind closed doors. Oh, you can see it. Remember when he did his happy birthday to G? Oh, yeah.

And what's this? He's like, what the fuck is this? He's like, oh, yeah. Yeah. Somebody interrupted him and he about lost his marbles. Yeah. But what I find really condescending. Yeah.

It's like, I'm Mr. Hashtag happy. Hashtag Mr. Yearwood. Yeah. I took over her socials for today. Everybody's seeing her picture cake. Like, what? What are you just, stop. Stop it.

People can like your music without having to think you're this guy, right? I got. Oh, there he is. There he is. Is that supposed to happen? Look at the rage. Happy bird. He was about, he was about to fucking slit somebody's throat.

Yeah. The quiet rage seething. Look at that. Is that supposed to happen? Is that supposed to happen? This is me. Happy birthday to G. Happy birthday to G.

Happy birthday to G. Do you think he sings that to himself on his birthday? Does he go through it? And he's like, happy birthday to G. He does. To me. Happy birthday to G. He makes his staff do things.

He makes the staff stand and like clap for him and shit when he comes in. I bet you he's got to don't look at me policy. Don't look at me. You came on guard for a year. Maybe you know me as Trisha Yearwood's husband. Today is the day. Celebrate. It's the Queen's birthday.

The Queen's birthday. For all our socials. Asking you to post hashtag. Happy birthday, Trisha. I mean, that country music was so weird though. Yeah. Such fucking weirdos, man. It is all that insincere bullshit.

Like, well, come on up. Well, y'all can stay at our house. If you let me know if you ever need anything, which is all bullshit. Yeah. That's the part of it that's just so hard to click with. Because they're just none of that. I never bought into any of that when I lived in Florida, Carolina, all that. Like, but we're just real neighborly.

No, you're not. You're for sure. Because I don't know. I can't speak from experience. I know. I feel like a lot of people are nice. A lot of people are friendly. But people will overstate how, what they are actually willing to do.

And what they, and like what level of friendly they're trying to be. And there's a lot of masking, real rage. Sure, rage. Right. You know what it is? Because it's unacceptable to be quote mean or angry in that culture. So everything's kind of backhanded. Like the bless her heart when the women are like,

well bless her heart. That's code for fuck you, bitch. Fuck you, yeah. You know, oh, hey, well just bless her heart. You're like, that's really passive aggressive to say. By the way, on your birthday, I'm definitely. Please. Gonna have people send photos of digital cakes and their favorite meals.

Like this here. Inversal shots of cakes, cupcakes, your favorite meal, whatever. Just make sure she knows you love her. Okay. She loves you. I love you. She loves you. I love you.

You do one of these. Dang, what the fuck was that? Dang. What the fuck? Turn your goddamn phone off when you're recording me. You piece of shit. And you will notice that Trisha gets larger every year. She's with Garth.

I think. You're so mean to her. No, no, no. It's not the fat thing. It's that she's clearly not dealing with some feelings. And I think it's because Garth has to be unbearable. Yeah. Just unbearable.

It's so condescending. Like why can't it's anyway. It's hard to be Mr. Yearwood. Mr. Yearwood. How fucking bullshit. Can I tell you too? Don't buy it. Any self-respecting male would you ever be like,

you know how I'm just Mr. Pajit. Mr. P. Tell, she seems to do a great job on her degenerates. Make sure she knows you love her. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Sure.

Tell him what to think, Tom. You got it. God. Do you know me as Mr. P? I think he's just, and also maybe part of it is his age and not coming up in the digital era. I get that. Yeah.

And like doesn't know how to make a video. No. Partially it's that. He probably has like a fucking team come in just to make that kind of shit. Oh yeah. Because he doesn't understand how this is done at all. They should have made him watch a few people's casual videos. And they're like, you just talk to people casually.

You don't have to rehearse in your head what you're going to say. It doesn't have to be. Hashtag happy. Hashtag. Hashtag tag. Tag, you're it. And you're like, hashtag ask me anything. Hashtag good hunting music.

Hashtag, hashtag you're it. Why are you it? That's not part of the culture at all. You're it. You're the tit. Tag, you're it. That's what you mean. You're the tit expert in this house.

Yeah. Here's a question. Dear mommy is my best friend and I on the opposite ends of the tit vagina spectrum. Okay. We need your advice on what society deems the most desirable private part disposition. She's a double DSL UT with dark brown nips. While my handfuls tail is adorned with light pink pokers. Blessed in our fruit.

However, we argue about society's nipple hierarchy. What is better pink or brown? She also has confidence that my high and tight clamshell is more desirable than her triple layer puffy taco. I'm home here now. Marissa, by the way, I'm home here now. A woman's email. Yes, I love it.

I love it. Well, I'll tell you, coming from somebody that's had both colors, pre-children, I had them pink. Now they're brown and purpley. I mean, I'm not a guy. So you tell me, Tommy. I honestly feel like I kind of like them darker now because before they, I'm very pale under here, very alabaster.

So to have like light pink ones, it was like I had no nips. But now they're gigantic and they really are, they stand out because of the color difference. And I don't, I like it. I mean, I think that anybody that really, like if a guy is really serious about their opinion on this, it's kind of, it's kind of bullshit because like, as long as there's titties that you could smack and squeeze and squish around.

And hit. Yeah. Staple and hammer. You can punch and slice and do whatever you want to. I don't care about colors. Same thing. Like she seems to have a real nice poon on her, right? She's got a nice high and tight clamshell.

And her friends got a triple layer puffy taco. But my thing is I could slide into either one, you know? So yeah, I mean, maybe hers looks more appealing. At the end of the day, I'm going to wear both like a surgeon's mask. And I'm just going to finish what I finish, you know? Yeah. And I kind of wish, I used to have a bit about this that I stopped doing, but I kind of wish women would stop torturing themselves with weight,

with looks and with things of this nature. Like my vagina's a little sloppier looking than I wanted to. You just tortured Trisha Yearwood on her weight though. Yeah, but that's different. That's because I think she's in an emotional crisis. I think it's about, it's not about the weight. Do you think because she's held hostage? Yeah.

I think she fucking hates his guts and she's eating her feelings. That's what I think is going on. So that's unhealthy. But I'm talking about the girls that are like, guys only like it when we're skinny. Guys only will like me if I'm this weight. Here's the truth that I've learned. Yeah. There's a guy out there who's going to love whatever it is you're offering.

The straight ones, the real dudes, don't give a fuck. Yeah, they don't care about color of nipples. Don't care. Don't care really about the appearance of your puss. Don't care. They just want to know that you're letting them in there. Right. So don't even think about this nonsense, younger girls, because guys don't care.

It's very true. They just want you to love them and lick their beeholes. Which I'm waiting on. Waiting on every day. Never. You want to step in and see your lady here, your friend, your bestie? Yeah. To my queens out there that have been cheated on by their men, it's not your fault.

Stop making it your fault. To my kings out there that have been cheated on by their women, stop making it your fault. Yes, women cheat too. Now here's the other thing. Sex is one of the strongest forces in the universe that we have to deal with. This is about self-mastering. It's not even about what's going on in a relationship. This is about self-mastering.

Okay, so if you think just because somebody says they love you, or you think just because they want to be in a relationship with you, that that means that that's going to dissolve all their traumas that they come with. You know what I'm saying? And that they're going to know how to deal with their traumas? Ah, people are going to mess up. I really like that. She's so pretty.

She's very pretty. Yes, my kings and my queens. So you got to find someone who's worth it. Self-masterbation. Oh, what do you see as our guest here? She's talking about masturbating, Tom. Okay. All those studio G's all over the place.

We got a ding. Our guest is here. Okay. Let's take a quick break. Let's go again. Self-mastering. And we're back and we are here with our guest, who is a comedian, a star of multiple television shows, a writer,

producer, director. I mean, rapper, choreographer, film star. Does it all? It is Miss Whitney Cummings. What's your pronoun? Do we say comic or comedian? I would say, I still don't know. I'm going to always does that.

I don't know right there. I like comic, but whenever there's a female, I like to make a big point. And I have to say comedian. Why don't you say lady, lady, come lady comic. But a comedian is like what old school guys will say to make sure that make the decision that it's because there's there's two. I'm not going to say who they rhyme with. Cobb and Rom guys and Indy.

When you do their show, they're like a very lady comedian. And it's so like, when I first started stand up and probably still like up until a couple years ago, like when someone would, you know, the comedy stories just kind of makes bring up other comics. And then what is my turn to go up? I'm sure this is having you like, are you guys ready for a lady? Oh, yeah.

You're like, what does that even mean? And then it just cues everyone to get up to go to the bathroom. Oh, yeah. God. So fucking nice. And there's also that thing where if you get brought up, you know, no one ever brings me up as lovely. Right, right.

His next comedian is gorgeous or like, what does that have to do? There was lovely lady. No, lovely guy. He's so handsome. So hot. There was one time Tommy and I did a gig together when we were like year seven and stand up and we showed up together. We were both performing that night and the booker goes to me, you're a comedian.

And Tom to his credit stands up for me and goes, Jesus, man, what is this? The 1950s? And you busted his balls. And I was like, wow, that was so, it happened so much to me that I was like, you get to sensitize to it. Like I was in Houston. I guess this was like eight or nine years ago. It was Tom Arnold was doing stand up, I guess at the time.

And he asked me and Delia to go with him and we went and did like, he hosted and we did stand up in the booker. When I went on stage, smacked my ass. Like, like it like hurt. Chris saw it. Chris was there. He saw it. And I started laughing because I just was like, huh, like I didn't even know what to do.

I like it was just like, I don't have time to even process how screwed up this is. Like I just was like, huh. And like my butt like hurt. Stung. I had like rug burn on my butthole. And I was like, this is insane. And then I just remembered it like a year ago. And I was like, that was fucked up.

It's fucking weird. I know you remembered hindsight. You would never do that to you. No male booker would smack your ass as you were walking on the stage. We love Chris Delia, by the way. I bet. He was here. He's great.

You guys had your show together. We did show together. I wrote it with him in mind. This is before anything. And I just. What was that like when, so you wrote it with him in mind and then you tell NBC like, this is who I want. Are they like, what?

I was very manipulative about it. You were. Because I was like, I never done anything before. You know, I was like a filthy like comic. Like I was going to be like, these are my demands. You know, so I had to audition like 300 guys or something. None of them were taller than me. I mean, it's all right.

How tall are you? It's I'm five 10. I actually got shorter recently. I went to the doctor and they're like, you're five eight. And I was like, no, I'm five. Like this business has just beat me. I'm just losing height. Like my just my spine.

Well, wait until you have a baby. How do you feel growing? You'll get shorter. I can't. How do we. All right. We've talked about this before and we were talking to you about show business before we ran the hit record here.

But we always felt like I'm serious like Whitney Cummings really understands like how everything works. I know. I told her she should have a seminar on fucking show business. You guys are the ones getting millions of hits on your podcast. And I'm the kid writing scripts and aren't getting picked up. Come on. Like you were.

But you know how to do this shit early. We're talking about like early on it was yeah. I remember you being on roasts. And I felt like you going from roasts to television. I gave you. I was like, this is a calculated move on Whitney's part. She knows to move the chess piece here and there. Did you.

And I was like, I don't know how she knows, but she knows. Yeah. I the roasts actually I was a writer on the roasts first. I remember that. You know. And they said no. I tried to be a writer. They were like no.

I just like send it. I like made them hire me. And then they booked me for one roast. It was later the cable guy and I was like so excited. And then they said no. Like it's just when people say think that I have like had a good career. Like they just don't know about all the things because all because for every one when you get 50 failures, but no one promotes.

No one. There's no like, you know, news articles that are like so show not picked up. Can I tell you about it? So like, I don't know when we, I don't know. We're both kind of open micers around the same time. I feel like we were. We were just hitting every laundromat. Crazy bowling.

No, no, no, no, no. But here's the difference between Whitney Cummings and Christina P. I remember one night in Silver Lake, there was some dog shit dive bar. And it was raining. Elsa. Maybe. No, no, no, no, no. It was, I don't even know if the place exists anymore.

And it was an open mic. Someone's house. Yeah, someone's shit bar. And it was raining. And so all that showed up were comedians because in LA when it rains, the audience doesn't come out. Right. And I remember going up, no one's here.

Later, I'm going to go get drunk and fuck around. And she goes, no, Whitney Cummings. She's, you know, we're all like fucking late twenties. She goes, all right, let's workshop guys. Come on, let's just workshop our jokes. And I was like, that's the difference between Whitney and me. I'm like, I'm going to go get hammered and laid with Tommy. I thought you were going to say laid first.

Yeah. I like that it's hammered then. Well, hammered and then. Like I just got to get fucked up. Back then, I didn't get laid sober. Don't worry. I don't even remember who they were. No, no, I got to get ripped before I fuck this guy.

But that's the difference. And I think like that's what we all were like, damn, like she knows the matrix. You knew the matrix. How did you know the matrix already? You were so young. I went to Flappers the other night because that's where I go like try out new stuff. It's nice and Burbank and nobody showed up. It's my shit.

And nobody showed up. And there were like four open micros. And I was like, can I just run these premises by you guys? They're just like, all right. I think like I was just so afraid of being bad. I was just so afraid of not being good. And I think when you come up as a female, you're already so hazed. Or at least at the time, you know, there weren't a lot of girls like.

And it was like, you have to. I felt like you had to be twice as funny. Sure. You know, and I was also so nervous on stage when I started. Like I didn't have that natural court is like I just, you know, how sometimes like there's comics who can on paper do jokes that wouldn't necessarily make you laugh on paper, but with their charisma and with how good of a performer they are.

Like I wasn't a good performer yet. So I just felt like the jokes had to be so good. Yeah. That they had to, you know, override the fact that. So you were a hard worker, but then also what Tommy's saying, like the business side of it, you seem to know, like, oh my God, if I do this. I thought you were so savvy. I also thought because you had, you know, so much going on.

I was like one of the things that a lot of people struggle with. And I think especially comedians is having the audacity to say, I want this, this, and this. And in my mind, you were doing that. That's so interesting because I feel like I'm always like, no, you go, you go. I'm good. Like I feel, you know, really, I, that was like, I mean, when I was doing the roasts, I mean, you know, it's weird that the fact that someone gets successful off the

roast because it works. Well, they were especially in context like that time. Yeah. That's like the biggest thing happening in comedy were the roasts. They like matter. Yeah. I mean, even now, like they'll go like four years without one. And then all of a sudden they get huge ratings because they have it back.

Like the roasts work for Comedy Central. Yeah. Yeah. It was like the Super Bowl. It was like the Oscars for the comedy world. Yes. You know, and which is tricky because it's hard. I think part of the reason that a new person does so well is because no one's

heard of them before, you know, and they just come out of nowhere and they can't really slam you on much because you don't have. They don't know you. All the jokes are like, who the fuck are you? Who are you? You know, and then like slot jokes, which is always too for women. Yeah, totally. You're put your old.

Lisa Lampinelli's pussy. Jesus Christ. Well, it was like her. That was a black cox. Which by the way, and then she's married to a white guy. Everyone's like, you fuck black guy. She's like, I'm literally like, you know, it's like you just grab whatever you can. Whatever you can.

Yeah. And and then I did a special for them. And I think that's the thing. And they weren't even going to give me an hour. And I was like fought to get an hour because I didn't get. But see, you fought to get an hour. But that's what I'm talking about. This is so inside baseball.

But three months prior, I didn't get live at Gotham. Wow. Which like something like 150 comics got it. But this is what I'm saying. I never go Montreal. I know I like I never got the things that everyone got. Like I just felt like I never could get in. So I just know.

No, wait, wait, wait, wait. But then how did you know? How did you have the sense of like, yeah, I didn't get Gotham. But I want an hour is what I'm asking. Because I like worked my I had been getting nothing for so long that I had accumulated so much material. I had burned. I hadn't burned any of it.

You know, like I had done the Tonight Show, I think, or something. Like when it was Leno, when he like Conan got it. And like, but I wasn't getting for like, I wasn't getting anything. So I just had so many chunks of 15 minutes, you know, and I was doing the road. I was opening for Steve Byrne and Bobby Lee and Craig Shoemaker. I know. So I just had a bunch of material. But I just so I felt like I've been struggling tooth and nail.

And by the time I did the NBC show, I had written two pilots that hadn't gotten picked up. I had written specs for pilots that didn't even exist. Dan Cook had done a spec or I'm sorry, a pilot at UPN, a network that doesn't exist anymore. And I had written a spec. Like I was just always writing sort of pilots because I was like, I don't think anyone's going to give this to me. Like I just have to create my own opportunities. And I was too weird to get cast in anything.

I was always like too shrill or too tall or like I wasn't the girl friend. Yeah. Like I just was like, I would always get feedback that was just like you're. I remember an agent at ICM was like, you're never going to be a leading lady. Wow. He was like, well, which is interesting because he was like, you're going to be like at best like Elisa Kudrow. And I was like, you mean the best actor?

Like you mean my hero? Like, all right. The funniest part. Are you trying to hurt my feet? Yeah, they were just like, you're too quirky. Like you're too this. So I was just like, I think I have to do this on my own because no one is going to. And your inner Jada pink.

It like came out and you were like me. That's right. I mean Jada, I need that. I need her. I think it's by the way, it's so great. I remember being I was in I was in Melbourne, Australia with Hannibal and we were talking. I was like, yeah.

Oh yeah. My, my half hour had come out. Like I was such a half hour had come out four or five months prior. Yeah. And we were talking and I was like, yeah. So you're going to try to do the half hour on this next round. He was like, I think we're just going to go for the hour. And I was like, what?

What? Yeah. It's so crazy. What do you mean? He was like, yeah, we're just going to go for the hour. I'm like, you can do that. And he was like, I mean, I guess we're going to try. I was like, that's, that to me blew my mind.

I was like, you're going to skip that part? Yeah. Like you don't get to jump the line. Well, it was just like the kind of thing where it's like they had and like fucking three months later. By the way, they had said no to me for so long. I didn't get premium blend. I didn't get live at Gotham.

I didn't get a half hour. I never had that shit. I never I never got it. I was driving out to Irvine, like, you know, putting in hair extensions in the car. I mean, I was hustling and like nothing. And I almost feel like at the time that was like my, like what you guys do when you're like,

I'm just going to take matters in my own hands that I'm just going to shoot podcasts and I'm going to go directly to my people. Like that. I was like, if you just give this to me, I can find my people. You know, and I had a little bit of leverage, I guess, because I had just been on the roast

and they want to kind of. Yeah. You know, when you have the leverage, you got to get really got to do it when you got juice. I know, right? You got to you got to be with someone who and you got to be willing to say no. Yes. Oh, yeah.

Which you learned for me. We say no. It takes like that took years. So because she was like, oh, I just anyone that talks to me. I just I'm like, thank you. You know, the biggest like, I don't know, reward for me to say no to is an audition that I'm like, I don't want to fucking go out on that. And and like when I used to be like,

I think I don't want to go out on it. And they're like, you should go. And I'm like, all right, I'll be there. I'll be there. And now I'm like, I don't want to read for this bullshit. And they're like, OK. You don't even want to go for the one day. What if you get it?

You have to spend eight years doing it. No, no, no. You know what I mean? I was at all. I didn't even want to go for 20 minutes. You know, what if I get this? What if I get this was always the thing is I'm always amazed by how many agents think that what if I get it is like,

why are we having that conversation? Like that's the point of going. No, then they go to me. Well, because I'm like, we can always say no, but that's three days. Why would I do that? I have shit to do. Dude, I always am like, where does this shoot?

And they're like, I could find out. I'm like, find out always. Find out because I want to know if I'm moving. And then they're like, OK, yeah, yeah, it does shoot in Toronto. We don't think you're going to get it. You're like, why are you sending me all this? Why would I go? You're just doing this to seem like you're doing your job.

But do you know that I don't even have, I don't even go out on them. I don't even have an agent for theatrical. First of all, it's so bad. Everything sucks. So fucking bad. Everything is just going to hurt your feelings. Every time they're like, hey, I love you for this.

It's between you and somebody. No, you get the script. And it's like, grandmother, young, alcoholic, great. Yeah, you're like, you're just hurting my feelings. She's like fucking everyone at the funeral. Like, that's what I get. And they're like, they love you for this. And I'm like, I don't even think this is the right direct.

No, I want to write our own shit. That's why it's CBS. It's like, I'd rather write the vehicle. I waited for that, for that, not to fucking. They're not going to pull. I'm not the neighbor. I'm not the fucking, the fuck machine girl anyway. I don't even try out.

No, I get it. It's like, what's the point? And you know, and it's also think about like, who are the great comics that like, they're like, oh, yeah, they got cast in that thing. Like Galifianakis. Like that's a great example. Like he was already doing stand up,

but it was something that he made his own anyway. Todd Phillips was like, do your thing. But it's very, you're not like, Jerry Seinfeld got cast in that incredible show. And then he did his own show. Like that's never been anyone's trajectory. Like Marilyn Ricegab did that. She's amazing.

Like she did that 24 show and was like, great, but made it her own special thing. Oh yeah. But I don't think anyone sort of popped off of doing someone else's thing. She works constantly. Are we making that up? Works constantly.

No, you're right. No, you're right. You have to make it your own. I think it's like, dude, did you see their special? It was amazing. Oh, and they're on that show sometimes. Like Pat Noswald, who's like on other shows,

but no one's like, yeah, I love them on that show. You're like, he's staying up. It's amazing. I had this one come in, not too long ago, where the description was very detailed for a nerdy computer guy. And I was like, hey man, I go, don't you think, I mean, I realize acting is not playing yourself.

But don't you think they'll get like the nerdy computer looking guy? Yeah, they'll call Kevin Christy. Right, to do it. And they're like, you should just, you should go in. And I was like, no. Because I know they're going to cast a different guy. Yeah, but a lot of it is like casting directors,

like having been on both sides. A lot of it is casting directors like fan. They like you. They just want to see you. Like, and then it's like, well, no, they'll cast you in something else. It's like, I don't have time to go on weird dates. I've got a lot going on, man.

In Van Nuys. Oh, and also if I see in the character description, sexy. I'm like, have you seen anything I do? No, I like it when they try to make it so she's not pretty in the description. It's like, not a threat, you know? It's always something that's like, not going to steal your man, but like cute, cute.

I get like cute trends with all the guys. Yeah, but it's also, I love that also it's super insulting when it's like, you know, Lindsay, 25, smart. It's like, you think I assumed a woman wouldn't be smart? So you had to qualify? It has to be smart. Yeah, smart down to earth. It's like, you know, some women just are that.

Well, that's the other thing too, is that they really don't write, I mean, still, they still don't write us very well. So I'd rather write my own thing and do that than wait for it. You know who else would, too? So here's the thing. Make sure you're with someone that is interested in mastering themselves and everything that they come with.

And I know that there's a lot of pain that comes with infidelity, but relationships is a spiritual endeavor. Just make sure you're with somebody who's worth it. So you got engaged recently, and that's why we wanted to bring Jada Pinkett into the mix here. Can I just really quick, sorry,

I'm always to have the wrong takeaway. I'm always the one when you show me a photo, I'm like, what's that thing in the background? Like, why are you wearing two different earrings? So she has so much money that she's just like, I got two, I can't decide which jewels to wear. She's so pretty. Why does she look, she's Benjamin Button.

Why does she look 20? I don't know. It's like, find someone that can, like, if I looked like you, I wouldn't have to take your relationship advice. Her skin is flawless. I know you should see her mom, Gammy, on red table talk. Gammy looks better than all of us.

The bitch has a six pack. Her mom has a six pack, dude. Do a skincare video. I don't need your relationship advice. She does nothing about those videos. She hates Will so much. Why did she bring up, yeah, why did she bring up infidelity?

I felt like, okay, that just felt like a weird, like no one was thinking about that. A lot of resentment. You know what I'm saying? I did get engaged. What am I in for? It's awesome.

We've been marrying our 10-year anniversary who's coming up November 8th. 10 years, that's crazy. 10 years, nice. Together 14. But you're together for like, yeah, like a bunch of years, I've been like before. I remember seeing you guys at like Jerry's Deli

in the Valley. Remember there was that comedy on a box? You did comedy on like a giant box? Yeah. Like you would look down at the people eating there, like salami or whatever, and I remember you guys and I'm like, oh, they're to get,

like comics dating, I was like, that's never going to work. Comics dating comics. Good luck with that. And here you are. No, did you get, wait, sorry, did you marry, are you marrying a comedian or a layperson?

He's not a comic, he's a layperson. He's a pedestrian. I don't, I had no idea it was going to happen. I was, we had met on the internet long distance. What? We met on an app? We met on a dating app. No way.

Totally, yeah. Was it that one of like, celebrity? Kind of. It's like you have to like get accepted. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When it's all like Hollywood, it's all like the dudes in Hollywood

I've been trying to avoid for the past 15 years. It's like Piven, Matthew Perry. It's like, oh God, these are all the people I've been trying to avoid. I've been hearing Matthew Perry's name a lot of times. People always say he's on there. What's the, what's it like? What is the guy who hits up Whitney Cummings say?

Well, you know what's funny is when I was on Tinder for a while too. Smash. And I, and I, because I was like, what's the difference between meeting someone at a bar? Like it's, it might be safer. I can get to know them.

And then one time I had this guy meet me at the comedy store. Just to be like, okay, this could be, just meet me in the comedy. So like what could happen? And he was going to come see a show or whatever. And then I saw him and we were texting for like three, four weeks. He sees me and I'm like, hey.

And he was like, I didn't think it was really going to be you. And I was like, what? First of all, who, if someone was going to impersonate someone, why would they pick me? Like I'm not a stand up comic. But also like what were you waiting for?

He like wanted to be catfished, I think. I think it was like, I was like, this is really witty coming. No, I'm like, so you prefer to have the person pretending? Like he was just like, can I get a picture? Like it was very weird. And then he just like left. I thought we were like going on a date.

So I was like, I think this is probably sketchy. So then I went on this other one, which is kind of people that are sort of in our field in some way. Like my guy works at Vice. He's not in our business. But we started texting. Is it Shane? It is not Shane Black.

No, I would not be here. I would be in France on a boat somewhere. But he is super cool. He like had sort of knew about me, but wasn't he's like, I've seen you on talk shows. He's like, I don't really, because when people say like, I've never heard of you, you're like, why do you have to say that?

Like go out of your way to, it's weird. I'm not like being arrogant, but it's just sort of like, you definitely went to my Instagram from this. Like you know what I do. Have you ever met a comedian who's like a big comedian? And they're like, oh, hi, what's up? You Google me every day.

And you're like, hey, man. What are we doing? What are we doing? Are you a comic? And you're like, come on. Of course. Get out of here. Get out of here.

And then they're like, sorry, are you opening for someone here? And you're like, no, I'm not. And then you're like, okay. Are we doing this? We're on the same poster. Right. Dude, you follow me.

But I love that. I also love the backhanded compliments you get off stage. Oh, God, we talk about this with Delia. Delia's maniac about this, by the way. He gets so fired up. Now he gets so fired up about the people that give the backhanded compliments. Dude, that's my favorite shit.

Oh, yeah. We talk about it constantly. Well, him is the craziest, because he's just the building is shaped. But it's like, I'll get off stage and someone's like, weird crowd. And you're like, what? Like, don't do that.

It's like such a subtle process. Oh, right. Like you fucked up. Weird crowd. Yeah. Like, you're too smart for them. They try to give you a compliment as a way to insult you. Like, oh, they just went over their heads.

And you're like, but I thought I did okay. I just did great. Yeah. Don't do this. I forgot about that one. Or maybe it's this one. When you come off stage and you kill and they're like, great crowd.

And you're like, no. The crowd didn't do that work. Right. I fucking did that. Okay. Like, that's not great crowd. Yeah. You know.

Such a meaning diminishing. Or when someone is not a comic, the kind of shit they were like, I remember one time someone came up to me after a show and they're like, I could never do that. I'm like, what? Like, it's just like a weird little like. It doesn't seem.

Yeah. I don't understand. It doesn't seem 100% positive. I don't know how you do it. Yeah. Like, dude, what? Like, it's shit jokes. It should be like, yeah, you wouldn't understand.

Yeah. You wouldn't. This is not for you. It's funny. My best friend likes you. That's always weird too. My friend likes you or not. The girlfriend clearly doesn't.

Yeah. Guys want to do that. Guys always want to come up to me and be like, hey, I don't know who you are, but we just take a picture of me for my girlfriend. And I'm like, all right. I get the opposite. I get the guy.

My favorite is when the guy goes, dude, picture. And I'm like, okay. And then he's like, babe. And she's like, I'm good. All right. Why are we taking pictures of some guy at the airport? I'm like, come on, man. Chicks aren't.

That's so funny. I get a lot of, and you guys probably get this because you're so known by your fans. Like, I get a lot of people who are like, hey, my phone's charging. Could you just take a picture and email it to me? Oh my God. I'm like, what is the vibe I'm giving off?

No. And then they're like, how's your knee? I'm like, what? How do you know? I think you go on enough podcasts. People just think you're friends. For sure. Yeah.

Absolutely. I kind of enjoy that though. Because I feel like they know what they're getting when they come to a show. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Then the whole thing of like, me, them, being like, what?

A lady saying crazy shit? Like, yes, bro. Like, you're on board. It's so much better about it. I like the real downside though. But if I may, to you being engaged, is that it takes so many opportunities off the table. You've seen that a lot of women

keep making these videos of why they like the bad boys. Ladies, don't sell yourself short. Gets yourself a man. This is actually a professor, the bad boy that'll possibly just steal your heart and toy with it. Oh, see, I'm looking at the photos in the back. They've got to have a good time with you.

Or just be goofy. Whichever. That sconce is not my favorite. Are you into like posters? From the 80s? What is? What is? I don't even know what that is.

V-neck. Is that a robe? Yeah, it's comfortable with just being himself. That's true. Is that a BB swimsuit? Wait, what do you say? Stop looking so hard. Stop looking so hard.

Who is that? Is that a famous person? No. Oh, there's all these like weirdos on Instagram that I feel like have gotten famous and I've never. Stop looking so hard. We're easy to find. Are those sunglasses, farmer's tan?

Yes. Does he have them for goggles or something? I mean, you're just going to leave that out there? I don't know what to do. See, this is why I want to get engaged again. Yeah. I want to get married tomorrow. You don't want these bad boys out there

that are so hard to resist. I don't think my base, if that, or do we say that? I don't even know. People are talking about your base and your brand and I'm like, I don't know what that means. But like, I don't think that the guys, that my success has been from guys

that think I'm going to date them after. I don't think. No. I wouldn't say that's what you're putting out there. I don't think. Like, people are like, are you worried that now you're engaged, you're going to lose fans? I'm like, I don't think people were like tolerating my comedy

because they thought at the end we were going to date. No. Like, that's not, I get like girls. Yeah. I thought so too. I think like girls. I've seen guys that really have that worry before talk to guys. Oh, no, I know.

I know tons of comics who like are in relationships, but don't put it on their Instagram and stuff like that. But I think guys. Which I'm like, I still think it's weird. It's like, they're not, are they really going to your shows because you're available? I don't think so, you know?

I think that actually, this isn't obviously why I did it, but I think it helps because sometimes I do make fun of guys and girls. It's like, I don't hate men. I'm not a man-hater. I love men. I'm marrying one. I'm going to share a toilet with one.

Like, I love men. I make fun of the idiots, like that fucking guy. Yeah. But I think it's good to remind people. Like, I'm not this bitter spinster who's like, really want to make you squirm. So we brought out one of our. This is.

Get uncomfortable. So I'm ready to get uncomfortable. Imagine, imagine you're not engaged, right? Let's go back maybe a couple of years. Are you two months ago? We got engaged like a month ago. I mean, let's say you're single. You're single.

You're single and you're out. And you have a night out. Okay. And you know, you're, you're approachable. You're a personable person. Somebody comes up to you and they're like, oh, hey, crowd. Yeah.

I mean, I would have laughed anyway. And you have a little chat with them and you're like, blah, blah, blah. And then for whatever reason, maybe have a couple of drinks. You exchange information, but you don't think much of it. Okay. And then next morning, the next morning you wake up to this. Good morning, Julia.

It's me, Joe. Just wanted to say hi. Wish you a great day. Tell you that meeting you yesterday and getting a look at you was probably one of the greatest moments of my life. I need to get out of here. I need to take a walk. You don't know how beautiful.

So uncomfortable. You are to me. I mean, just, you're gorgeous. Turn the fan off. So who? But it's been sitting in my mind when you said to me, you want to go back with your ex-boyfriend. Please erase him from your memory.

Don't ever go back in the past. I know because I've been there. Have you? And I understand when, you know, you're trying to find somebody and go on dates and nothing compares to your ex, but there is that. How many fans do you have? He's got a lot of fans.

That's a really good point. I promise you, it is me. Meeting you. We have great ventilation in here. Oh, yeah. Oh, he brags about it. He brags because he actually built this whole house. He did that.

That's your opener. Coming at you from the house I built. Yeah. That's high. That's where you start. Marketing, show. Marketing 101. Yeah.

And then I'm in. I'm like, this is my fucking build a house? Yes. My ex is looking pretty wack right now. Yeah, right. That's lead with your strengths. What is this facial? I've never been loved before.

Did we just meet? I'll make you feel like a woman. Feel like a woman. What does that even mean? After you experience me, you won't even know who your ex-boyfriend is. So you're going to give me a lobotomy with your dick?

I know. I know. You're going to cut out. Julia. Julia. It's so intense. Let's go get to the whole other level here. Open up your heart to me in your arms.

Let's go full throttle. Is this about fucking or love? No. No. He's just. He's obsessive. Who is this guy? Boundary stuff.

Just a random guy. Is that Rich Boss? This is a, this has got to be, to me, I mean, what I feel when I watch it. I love Rich Boss, by the way. Is that going to get me in trouble? No, no, no. Not at all.

There's, there's the level of embarrassment I feel for him because everyone has, has done something to a degree. Yeah. Of course. Humiliating. Like, you know, where you send a text. But the fact that he went full throttle. No, it's full throttle.

Full throttle. But who, who did he say he sent this to? He said this to a 19 year old freshman in college. And he's obviously not. And, and she blasted it. She said to her friends and then it grew from there. Yeah. Julia.

Yeah. Let's go full throttle. But haven't you met guys like that? Full throttle. Went anywhere. You know what, if we all had that. No, I look at this guy and I'm like, if I had that kind of confidence,

I would have everything I wanted like. You do. You do. Like that. You do have that kind of confidence. That's what I'm trying to tell you. You go full throttle all the time. Go full throttle.

Good for full throttle. I'm going to name my next special full throttle. Aren't you going to shoot one soon? Yeah. Are you excited? Yes. A little bit. I'm a little bit like.

You've been touring, right? Yeah. I've been touring like I've been doing clubs just to run it over. And theaters, you can't, I feel like there's this thing with comics now like where if you're not doing theaters, like people think you're,

you can't do them and you're like, well, I don't want to do clubs because then everyone's going to think I can't do theater. And I might get this out of here. No, I got to get the reps in. It's so yeah. It's just like with social media now.

It's like everyone's like, I find myself doing it like comparing and all this kind of stuff. And I'm like, I'm just going to do my thing. I'm going to do clubs because that's the only way I know how to get ready for a special. That's a good way to do it. No, you think because you can do,

I'm like, I want to change this and I can do it in an hour. And where are you shooting? DC. Nice. Good. Yeah, I was just there the other day checking out theaters and I'm doing it.

I just, there's a little bit in my head now and I think this is new for comics where it's like, am I going to get fucking shit for that? I know. Is someone going to think that's racist? People are going to think that's sexist. And I find myself like totally over thinking.

You got your over thinking. I got to get out of there. I know. Can I tell you something? I'm scared. I just did a half hour. The degenerates because I want to add topical material and the me too thing.

I didn't want to wait to put it on an hour for a year from now. And I'm like, God, thank God I'm kind of protected by the degenerates. Yeah, that's right. This is going to protect you just this much from the crazy shit you're going to say. I found myself having this joke where I say,

like you're slutty Indian costume is kind of, and I'm just like, do I have to say Native American? Oh my God. It's the less funny, like it's just like, do I have to change that? It's just that we're in this fucking walking on eggshells and it's like comfy. Just make sure that when you get the shit

about slutty Indian costume that you don't respond or engage. At all. At all. Never engage. See, that's so smart because I always like, I have such a hard time not getting the last word or just being standing up for yourself, you know, when you're getting attacked.

Especially if you feel like something's really misrepresented. Yeah. That's when you have to disengage the most. Well, because comics, I think that the thing that sort of, our engine is like, we want to get to the truth. Like we're obsessed with justice. So it's like the idea of someone saying something that's not true. It's like, I have such a hard time not being like,

But handle it the way you imagine a really, really, really famous person would handle it, which is they would not entertain. They'd have their wife do a... Yeah, exactly. I'm going to have Jay to handle it. Just be like, no, I'm not dealing with this. Yeah, like this.

But I just, it's tricky because comics, like we thrive on feedback. That's how we get better. But then it's like that feedback I just have to ignore. And it's just like kind of a mind fuck. So, so yeah. And I have some of the me too stuff too. But I'm like, this is going to be too late.

Like it's just kind of a... It's hard. Well, I wanted to make fun of the particular people at the, at the moment. Even now I look at those jokes. I got a few Louie jokes and I was like, Oh fuck, like he had gone out into the clubs and I wish I had been able to write about

what he's recently been doing. So like, you know what I'm saying? That's what you get to do this. You get to do your jokes on your podcast and like the things, your thoughts, you know, because there's so much to chime in on. You can just do it now. I know it's frustrating.

I can't, yeah. Well, anyway. So that's exciting. So when do you shoot this? So I'm shooting it in like three months. Oh, perfect. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it's also, it's like, it's,

the last three specials I did were hours used to be 45 minutes. Yes. With commercials. Now there's 60 minutes, you know. So I just wanted to... But I do think that the, the best formula for, for doing them

is as close to on the shorter side of 60. Yep. As, as you can be. Good point. I really feel like... Good point. A lot of them have fucked up with being... And I fucked up.

I mean, because you get kind of like, oh, I'll just leave it all in. You know, and it's like 72 minutes. Yeah. And you're like, no, just save it for the tour. Make it, yeah. Do it on the next one. Make it 58.

Smart. That's really smart. Those are the ways. I think those are the best ones. I think all of our attention spans now are just because of Instagram. It's like a minute. Dude, the reason there even are 30

and 15 minute specials now, because the data shows them. Yeah. That people are like... Yes. So I mean, that's, that's the people are... Even stuff that I love. I'm probably watching someone's hour on Netflix

and I just don't have the time because I got a kid screaming or whatever. I'm like, oh, fuck. I want to win. I can't. Yeah. And they're like, I'll get to it. Yeah.

So it's like, I'm just trying to figure out how to... It's just like, you guys keep saying like, I know how to do business. It's like, this business keeps changing every minute. Like my last special, I did HBO. I probably should have done Netflix, you know? But it was like, HBO. Like that's your dream.

HBO is shit. And then I'm like, now to get on HBO, you have to put in nine passwords. Like you have to like, you know, it's like hieroglyphics. Like it's just like a whole thing. Like no one can even find it, you know? Yeah. HBO is the mountaintop.

I mean, when we were growing up, for sure. Yeah. It was like my dream to always have an HBO special. Of course. And then Netflix was just happening. And I was like, oh, Netflix, what's that? Like the streaming thing, like that mails you DVDs. And now I'm like, you idiot.

It's just a juggernaut. Yeah, I feel like I'm always like behind on that. Well, this guy, by the way, the Good Morning Julia guy, was such a hit with our audience. Amazing. That they have been recording themselves doing their own versions. So good.

This is my favorite part of our show. You want to even know who your ex-boyfriend is. All right. So here is some, this is Andre, who made his own. Good morning, Julia. Perfect framing. It's me, Joe. Perfect posters.

Just want to say hi. Wish you a great day. Tell you I'm meeting you yesterday. And getting a look at you. I love going in the circles. That's great. The greatest moments of my life. You were so beautiful.

You don't know how beautiful you are. To me, I'm you. To me. You're just gorgeous. Everyone else doesn't think so. You're precious. And it's been sitting in my mind when you said to me, you want to go back with your ex-boyfriend?

01:05:14,120 --> 01:05:16,920 Please erase him from your memory. Don't ever go back in the past. I know because I've been there. Because I'm 59. You're trying to find somebody and you go on dates. Nothing compares to your ex. But there is a better side to Jesus.

And Julia, I promise you, it is me. I will love you. Oh my god, his voice is perfect. It's never been loved before. I will cherish you. I'll make you feel like a woman. Oh. A real woman.

Why is that so gross? Is he reading from a monitor? Maybe. Maybe. Yeah. After you've experienced me, you will never know who your ex-boyfriend is. Oh my god.

What's that even mean? So you'll put up your heart to me. In your arms. To me. Let's go full throttle. A plus. Oh man, Andre, that's great. A plus.

Full throttle. A plus. So good. What does that mean? I'm trying to think. If you were having sex and he said to you, dead serious, does that make you feel like a woman? What would you do?

Well, that's a thing. It's just because it's an antiquated POV. It's a guy who's going like, I'll make a lady feel like a lady. Because he's fucking 30 years old. He's like a chivalry thing. Oh, oh. I'm going to hold the bottle.

Oh, that's even worse. I thought it was sexual. Like you're going to have orgasm. 01:06:35,000 --> 01:06:36,040 I'm going to treat you like a lady. I'm going to lay my coat down on a puddle of water so you don't kiss your feet. I'm going to lay down my leather bomber jacket from the 80s.

I like that, though. I like chivalry. That's why I don't talk. But I feel like a woman. I feel like a woman. I have cramps. I feel like a woman every day. I don't want to feel anymore like a woman that I already know.

A quick sample of what Scott did here. The baby TV. I just wanted to say, getting to meet you and spend time with you yesterday was one of the best days of my life. I could really see myself falling in love with you with those pretty eyes. You're gorgeous.

And I built everything here in this house myself. The cabinets and the crown molded. The rim on the cabinets. And I just want to say, you're beautiful. And you should never go back with that other baby. And I hope this video doesn't scare you. So I love you, baby doll. What does that tell you on the floor?

Oh my gosh. Also, if what would you do? Why wouldn't you just send a text saying like, hey, I love to see you again? Because this dude probably, he probably left there. I kind of identified to a degree where I remember, that dude probably hasn't, at his age, hasn't talked, probably even spoken to.

A young girl. So he's like, she loves videos. She's young. And he, she probably gave him attention. You know, like in that conversation, he was like, this is it. This is the girl. He went into like a fantasy land of,

this is what I'm going to marry. You know, this is my lady right here. Did you do that with her? Absolutely. No. And then, and then. How soon? And then he went into, he went into, he laid out,

he saw the, like he, I'm going to send her this video. She's going to respond and like, it's going to go off. Because he probably remembered moments when they were having a drink or sharing an Uber, whatever the fuck they were doing, that he was like, this is special. He started to tell himself that it was more significant. I feel like that's what girls do.

Yeah. You're right. You're right. A lot of girls do. Teenage girls do. Teenage girls do. But he feels. Yeah, 12 year old girls should be clear.

He feels this way for every girl that gives him attention. Attention. Yes. That's the problem. That's the problem. That there's a million. Has he responded in any way? Julius.

No. I think the thing was, because our friend, someone who wrote into the show knows the girl that he sent it. Got to get her on. We got to get him on. I know. And she was like, she was a university of fucking Iowa. Fresh.

I thought you were going to say University of Phoenix. University of Iowa. He's had a real plan. And she, you know, just probably was, had a couple drinks and was just talking to a guy. And he just took it to, this is my soulmate, you know. Oh no. It was heartbreaking.

Good morning, Julia. I woke up so excited. I don't know if you noticed, but I changed the locks on your door. Now I can come in and fix, fix your, your water heater. I can fix your septic. I can replace the second. I love them. I'll put in beautiful marble pops.

Do whatever you want. I'm going to love you like no one's ever fucking wanted. Shit, man. Me. You know what I'm saying? Let's go full throttle. What the fucking thing? You and me, sorry.

I didn't mean to curse, but fuck. I want to fuck you pretty bad. I had a guidance when I first started doing step. This was an older comic who sat me down and pitched himself to me. And he's like, I can make pasta. This is what I want. You just tell us this thing.

Like it was like giving me like his skills. Like it was literally like, I have a car. I have my own house. And it was just sort of the thing of like, I date like drug addict, homeless drug addict. None of this is like it was the point of my life where I was dating monsters. You know, it was just sort of this like,

oh, like I guess if you're a guy, you just have to pitch your skill. Well, I think every guy knows what's going on with that guy because you see, you know the element of your brain that might lead you to do something like that. But 95% of us would resist. You might have the thought,

I met that girl. I want to send her a bit like, and your brain would be like, what do you have? Your fucking mind? No. So yeah, then you send a text or, you know, you play out what's the way to approach this. That guy just doesn't have the ability to stop a bad idea. It's like an Asperger's thing where they don't read the room.

And he's just going to do what he wants to do. I worked with a guy one time who he was really nice. And I could tell something was off. Like something was definitely off. And he brought up Jessica Beale one time and he was like, I love her. Like I love her so much. And I was like, okay.

And he's like, yeah, I got like, I got pictures of her all over my room. And I was like, why? He's like, I'm going to be with her. He was probably like late 20s. There was a moment where people were using the secret as a way to justify being stalkers. Maybe you're right.

Maybe like I have photos of this person. Never because I'm trying to manifest them. This guy was a real, yeah. This guy was a real gentle. Like if she dies, you're going to jail. He should. So funny, your vision board. Yeah, like you mean your stalker board.

You can't put female celebrities on your wall. He was a late 20s guy and he was like, you know, he would go to the, I remember he was like, I go to the beach, I surf and like, I just think about Jessica Beale all day. And I was like, I go, you really think you're going to end up with her? He's like, I really do.

And then I would obviously like ask about it all the time. I was like, how's Jessica? He's like, yeah, you know, I put up some new pictures over this weekend. I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, he was really, really obsessive. Which is so funny because these days to put, you'd have to print them.

I mean, it's like, it's not that you don't even tear amount of magazines at like, we could at least tear them out of magazines until we were 12. Now you have to like print them out. Yeah. Yeah, it's super creepy. Really. And here's the thing, we were working in,

we were working as site reps for productions. So we would go to a... So he's waiting to be on a movie with her? Probably. I mean, like we would have, I mean, I did one of the site rep jobs with Beyonce. So, I mean, she could have been at any of these things. And yeah, he was really scared.

Here's what I'll say. Like to your, you just really made me realize something in myself that I'm deeply ashamed of, which is, I think that like... Because when you were like... I love these thoughts, whatever you're about to say I love. Like, well, I have the worst one of the proposal that I feel like only you guys aren't going to understand

that I feel like I have to ask you about. But like, when I... There is this part of your brain, I think, for me, where I always think I'm in the running, like when I saw, I don't know anything about the royal family, I don't really follow that stuff, but I saw that Meghan Markle was in... I didn't really know who she...

I didn't really know who he... Like I... And I was like, fucking bitch. Like I thought in my head, I was like, she took... And I'm like, I wasn't in the running for that. Oh, you're like, she took this away. She took my man. There's this little thing in your head.

That's just like... It's crazy as shit when you look at it. That's a crazy fucking thought, dude. Oh, wait a minute. Oh, I've never done that. I was on board, I was like, yeah. But it's like, you know how you're just kind of like, whenever a male celebrity gets married,

a little part of me is like... That could have been me. Yeah, and you're like, no one could enough. I wasn't in the running. Hilarious. Like was this Disney movies? Like something got in my head... That that was your man.

That made me like compete. Who was your man? Wait, who did you... Who were you bummed out that got married? Prince... What would Prince... Is it... I don't know his name.

Harry. The new one. A ginger one? Like I saw all these photos of them when I first saw it and they were like, they're engaged. And I was like, oh, fucking bitch. I know, like she took that. Yeah, but what a horrible gig to be.

I would never really... I would never want to have that job. You have to wear a pantyhose all day. Oh my God. You're not allowed to eat sushi. It sounds like a nightmare. You can't eat sushi? Is that real?

You can't eat sushi. You can't have dark nail polish, which of course we're wearing the exact same nail. Like... Wait, why can't you eat sushi? Because something about mercury, or like fish poisoning, because people are probably always trying

to poison them or something. I saw some article that was like, what Meghan Markle can't do anymore? Really? What else? Tell me the other way. She has to wear pantyhose. She's not allowed to wear dark nail polish.

She's not allowed to eat fish. Or maybe it's just the queen doesn't like something. She's not allowed to have her own cell phone. She's not allowed to have social media. I was like, I can never do this. She can't have her own phone. I don't think so. Well, that's like a security thing, I guess.

Yeah, no way. Which that kind of makes sense. They had to end a trip she was on, because so many people came out of there. She was abroad somewhere, I think in Asia. And people just came out of their homes and businesses and swarmed this area. So they had to like.

What a nightmare. That's a nightmare. That happened at my dad's funeral. I mean, not like that. I'm not, I was at my dad's funeral. And I guess some people had known my dad was going to die. And like a couple of people showed up to take pictures.

And I did it, of course. But it was just, I wasn't like, it was actually kind of nice because it was a little bit of a distraction. I was like, great. Let's like take your dad's funeral. It's a national filter. Yeah.

Like it's just like, it was like on Facebook or something. And you're like, people, like, what are you doing? I'm sorry, was that recent? It's like, I'm like, yeah, like a year and a half ago. But when, oh, but when he proposed, what was your first thought? Okay. So yeah, he goes, come over here.

And I go, I don't want to smell your fart. That was my first thought. Because he always used to fart and then pull me into the fart cloud. You still do. So I thought you were tricking me. The fart cloud. Yeah.

I thought he was tricking me. So when he first did it. By the way, he was, to be clear. He tricked me. No. Like, you know, you go like, oh my God, are you serious? Like, do you mean it? Like, you're like, oh, wow, that's great.

Right? Wait, but he just did it? Like, where was it? In our apartment. In our apartment. At a, just out of nowhere. I, but we're coming back from Irvine. We had done a show.

And I know, I'll tell you why. Okay. So I bought this. He's like, I know. He gets, he gets dragged through the ringer on this. I bought the ring. Oh, then I won't. No, that's right.

I bought the ring. I was going to do it. I bought it, let's say in September. Yeah. I was going to do it in new years. We're going to do it this vacation in the keys. And I was like, that's what I'm doing. Perfect.

I know. It was burning a hole in my pocket. I was thinking about it all the time. So I, my dude was like having, getting, proposing is actually cool. Cause you feel like an action hero all the time. Cause you're always like trying to hide a diamond. You're like a jewel.

He's right. He's right. And he, and when I asked him, I was like, well, where did you have it the whole time? It like totally like ruined the moment. Cause he was like, oh, I just kept it in the washing machine. Cause I knew you'd never look there. I was like, that's really funny.

So he just hit it like where cleaning supplies are. Hilarious. So you just, you just had it on your person. And I would like, I would look for it all the time. And like, just like, just do that. I'll tap my eggs and I took it to like the show because I was like, I didn't want to leave it. And then you have to fly with it.

Cause we had to fly to the keys with it. And I was always, I was like, there's no way I'll be able to hold on another six, eight weeks to do this. No, no. Or she'd find it and pretend she didn't. Or I was like, I just, you know, I'm just going to do it right now. I didn't, that wasn't a plan. It was obviously like just, you know,

I did pretty well tonight. I feel like it was October 8th. We got engaged. Yeah. It was November. November 8th, 7th, and then we got married. November. Right.

Sorry. Sorry. Yeah. It's been a while. Look, Wendy's got wonderful, beautiful, radiant teeth. Yeah. Let's talk about them. You really do.

Hold on. All right. We always are fascinated by teeth and stuff. Oh my God. I have big teeth. Perfect. They're great. No, they're gorgeous.

Let's talk about it. Is that like all kinds of braces and everything? I had clear braces. I begged my uncle or whoever was paying for my braces. Still asked about my childhood. And whatever like stranger that was donating to the Kickstarter that was my teeth as a kid. I wanted clear braces because I remember the clear ones.

That must have been, wait, now when we were kids, were those way more expensive? They were way more expensive and they didn't work. Oh, great. Yeah, they were way more expensive. And they were actually, because they were, you had to adjust them too much or something. I don't remember what it was, but they were less.

Oh, they said you have to wear them twice as long. And I was like, fine. Oh, really? I just like, because my last name was Cummings and I already got bullied. Oh, yeah. So I was just like, I can't add any more jokes to my face. So I was already cum shot and cum in your mouth.

I'm like at seven, you know, before I even knew what it was. Like, and so I was like, I need the clear braces. It takes twice as long and they turn whatever color food you're eating. So there's no such thing as clear braces. I know, I know. So then they were just like, yeah, they're disgusting. They just collect food from what I remember.

It's gross. So they didn't really take and I like pulled them off. I remember one night because I was like so embarrassed. And then now I do the Invisalign thing. Oh, so you do it now? Do it now. Yeah, I'm not wearing it right now, but I do it like erratically.

I always lose them. Yeah, good teeth. That's very nice. Thank you. They're really sensitive teeth. Like I use. Zoom and stuff like you do white. I do.

No, I don't do the whitening, but I can't drink cold water. I can't have ice. So I have to use like some special toothpaste. It's really. Sensodyne. Embarrassing. Yes.

Yeah, I use too. But if the response are yes. No, no. If not, fuck them. Do you wait a minute though? I bet you do a lot of care though, right? Do you floss? You know what?

I try. Try. I try. You gotta floss. You come across as having impeccable dental hygiene. Really? Yes. Since we've been legal, I'm slipping.

I started getting this because I used to take Lunesta and all that shit. And now I just do like the vape before I go to bed. And I wake up like fully clothed and I'm like, oh, damn it. So it's like all my night hygiene has been kind of slipping. But I try to do the little flosser things on the road. Sorry. I'm refreshing.

You do whitening strips. Like the Crest ones or do you do a dental whitening professional? No, I don't do. I haven't done whitening. Ever? Uh-uh. Your teeth are very white.

Really? That's good. So are yours. I do it. I have white professional whitening. I go every few years. I have a freshener. Oh, shit.

I have to do that. No, you don't. I'm starting to get kind of yellow. They're getting a little janky. Very lucky. Thank you. And what they do is they, when Invisalign, they have to file them to get more space in between them.

So when you don't use Invisalign, then you just have like weird holes. So I'm just like, I need to be better about the Invisalign. I just lose it. Like we travel so much. I lose my tray. Oh my god. I know what I wanted to ask you.

I follow you on Instagram. Uh-oh. And I've noticed that you're very into your skincare regimen. Regime. I guess I am. Is that the word regimen or regime? It's regime. I think regime is like you're a king leader for regime,

but I might have a skincare regime at some point. A comedy doesn't work out. No, but you're very disciplined. And you do what you're supposed to do. Have you read my comments? I'm in a constant state of fear of aging. So I'm just constantly just putting shit on my face. Oh, is that?

Yeah. I'd have television came in and really fucked things up. I mean, I'd have television picks up more than the human I picks up. I remember one time I was shooting a show, we had an actress, the most beautiful, gorgeous, stunning, Irish, really pale skin, stunning, gets in here and makeup, goes on camera, all of a sudden her face is covered in freckles. Oh.

I'm like, what's going on? Oh, the camera came right out of that. Yeah. It was just like the human eye can't pick it up. And she just had little freckles everywhere. Did it? Wow. No.

And like, I don't think she even knew it. It's a magnifying glass. So we had to fix it in post-production, so she never saw it. But when he's so funny. She reminds me to, she's like, do you ever wash your face? And I'm like, yeah. Oh, she's never. I have this whole thing with my guy right now.

Well, beards are a whole thing too. They smell. Is that he gets, it's like they get the, they too smell. It's always like chowder. It's so gross. Yeah. But they get, the follicles get all clogged, and you have to get in there and wash them.

But he got a little thing that like cleans it. It's like a prescription. Yeah. But you got to wash your face. I know. And on the road is just like tricky, because you're with all this shitty water in different cities. So do you, do you take your whole skincare thing?

Like on the road, because I know you have a goat, you do the roller, I wash you do the roller. Well, it's also tricky because I just do it on Instagram. I feel like when you do something on Instagram, people assume you do it constantly. Oh, I thought you did. I pretty much only do it when I'm filming. Oh, okay.

Because I'm like, damn, she's so disciplined. Like, I'm so into you. No, I don't do it every night. But I try to do that look. Because I don't like, look, look at all the famous female comics. Have any not gotten crazy work? Yeah, you kind of have to at some point.

I'm worried. Even Richard Jenning was starting to do, like I'm concerned. What's his name? Yeah. I know who you're thinking about. I know who you're talking about. Yeah, Vegas.

Has a 16-year-old girlfriend? No, no. I was thinking of Vegas. No, I was thinking of actually who passed away. Oh, you weren't even thinking of Vegas. No, I was thinking of Guy Shanling. He had. Oh, yeah.

So it's like, what, what, I don't know what that is. Maybe the same thing that makes us comics and want to go make strangers laugh is the same thing that makes us dysmorphic or self-conscious. I think I'm embracing aging and, and like people, like the people all the time hit me up and they're like. But you can have a beard.

We can't. Yeah, I know. But I get they're like, you know, you look like someone's creepy uncle. You shave your head, your, you know, your head, your balls. Can I say something about that? That's maybe helpful.

Maybe not. I think with comics, people try to be funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's, it's like, it's not an insult. They would say if you weren't a comic, they're just kind of trying to like forge a bond with you. Like I, people come up to me in airports all the time and they say shit that's so mean.

Yeah. And I think it's just like, oh, you were on the roast. Like, yeah. I'm roasting you. And you're like, it's Tuesday. What a cunt. People call you cunt today. Yeah, in the airport.

All the time. All the time. You know what I mean? So I'm just like, what is happening? So yeah. So I think it's just like, I just want to get ahead of it. I just want to get ahead of it because I don't want to like go into that wormhole.

Yeah. No, but I feel like unless you're 20 years old, you're always going to look old. It's like, dude, I'm not like, I'm not trying to fool nobody. You guys, you look great. And you're just, you look, you guys look. It took long enough for you to say that. No, you look amazing.

You look amazing. You guys look, you look. Of course she does. You guys look great and age appropriate. It'll be nice. Yeah, that's what you want. I don't want to look younger. I just want to look the age I am,

but I think that what we do is so aging. Like we're out till one in the morning. We worked during the day also because it's like comedy. It used to be, you just do stand up at night. Now it's during the day. You're doing podcasts, you're writing stuff. So we have full-time jobs and then we go out till two in the morning and then we're on flights.

I'm just, I've been dehydrated since 2004. So I just think the stress of what we do is, I just try to get ahead of it. We like to shame a lot of inappropriate behavior in public. Love it. I love that part of the special. I cannot believe came in because people send us videos of people like clipping the toenails.

On planes. I've seen it. On planes at the gate. I saw this motherfucker. I got on a plane recently. You know, it's like, we've all worked really hard to be able to fly first class. Like we worked, I mean, I remember days where I was doing

80 cities a year sitting in the back row in the middle. Of course. By the shitter. Like we've done it. 6 a.m. flight. So yeah, so yeah. So when I like to take a photo on Instagram, it was like, oh, first class.

Like I'm just like, fuck you, dude. First of all, this is miles because we travel so much. And like I've worked my ass. And the venue pays for it. Like don't do this. You have to justify that. This bitch gets on the plane with a bag of hard boiled eggs. Yeah, I've seen that.

I've seen that before too. I just went, no. I was like, get to the back. I full on had to have a conversation. Was she in first class? Yes, sitting right next to me. And I was, I was going to Fort Lauderdale, I think. And I was like, I literally said, I said to this woman,

yeah, by poor Palm Beach, or something. And I was just like, I've worked too hard. It's like 6 a.m. I was just, I've worked too hard. I've seen it. I've seen somebody with a bag, the Ziploc, gallon bag, and then cracking them. Pulling it, pulling them.

Five of them in a bag. I know. The smell. No, smells like food. It's just, it's so fucking rude. Look at this shit there. This is going to blow your mind. You ready?

Julia. Julia. No, no. No, no. Well, for our audience that's listening. No. There's no way to describe this. This is a man who appears to be in a grocery store,

or he is in a grocery store. He's at the hot food counter. Never in all my life. And he's using the ladle to serve soup. He is drinking from it. No. And he looks like, he looks like a well put together guy. That's the thing.

He looks like those are Yeezy's. Those are fancy shoes, I feel like. Yeah, and he's got like a nice sweater on. But he's also holding a bag of buns. This is a bag of bread. What is that? He's shopping. It also looks like nobody's, it looks like he is.

By the way, if no one was in a grocery store, would we all do that? Is he just doing what we all wish we could do? No, no. I mean, I wish I could. I eat grapes in the grocery store straight up. I eat grapes. Yeah, but you buy them, right?

Like you put them in your separate container and then eat them out of your bag. Yeah, you're right. And then I, yeah. That's fine. You're going to pay for those. But that's a public suit. That's insane.

That is mental illness. You know when I started doing, when I got pregnant the second time, I used to eat at Gelson's at the salad bar? Yeah, me too. And then when I got pregnant, I was like, you know what, this is a bacteria thing. It is.

It's not safe. Well, did you see the Wild Wild Country? That's how they poisoned everybody. 01:27:25,640 --> 01:27:29,000 Is they just put salmonella in the salad bars. Yeah, and that. See, and I intuitively was like, this will hurt my child.

So I stopped eating. It's not safe. And I love the Gelson salad bar. A friend of mine had cancer, and when he was going through chemo, they were like no salad bars. Their immune system is not capable. Wow.

Yeah, and I love at the end of salad bars, there's always like chocolate pudding. You're like, I'll do it. All right. We've been really obsessed with Garth Brooks and his social media. Random? Is it great?

It's so amazing. But cool stuff, slick stuff, neat stuff. That's him. But I just came to our attention because we've been so obsessed with his videos that another man is looking to take the title of most awkward social media guy. Really?

Yeah. It is the founder and CEO of Facebook. Yes. Mark Zuckerberg. Really? Oh. You guys are eating brisket and ribs tonight. Brisket and ribs.

They taste doubly better when you hunted the animal yourself. So what are you guys making for dinner? Brisket and ribs, I hope. Delicious. Brisket and ribs. Ribs and the brisket need to be eaten. I want to try your brisket. I want to try my brisket.

It's a pretty tough cut of meat. You eat the ribs and the brisket. Are you excited to have a rib? I want my baby back ribs. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. OK. There is the third richest guy in the world. First of all, is that his house?

I don't know. I hope that's his house. You know what he did? That is a very expensive grill, that egg grill. Those are good. Those are good. It's Mark Zuckerberg for those of you who watch it.

01:28:56,680 --> 01:28:58,920 Mark Zuckerberg was worth like $30 billion. Dude, why are you even doing videos? I know. First of all, by the way, why aren't you apologizing to us? First of all, I know. I'm sure someone at Facebook was like, you should do this. Make you look human. Yeah, that's right.

That is why I ask you. And make you not look like a diabolical. Well, that's what they said to Garth Brooks. They go, you need to do social media. And Garth was reluctant. And then that's what happens when they don't want to do it. And they're automatons inside. They're dead inside.

And they want to be relatable. And they're not related. Did he say it tastes better when you kill it yourself? Does he hunt? Was that what he was doing? I doubt it. He's trying to get Rogan's crowd. Yeah, I think so.

He's trying to tap in. Or somebody wrote that to him. And he was like reading a comic. It looks like he's reading comics. Oh, it's like an Instagram live. He was like, I own this app. I should see how it works. I love the idea that we can use him as a puppet

and just comment on his lives and he'll do whatever we say. And he thought it was really, really funny. Like someone went baby back ribs. Somebody went baby back ribs. Yeah. He was like, check this shit out. Which is that same Garth weird humor response, where they're like, they have like 60-year-old dad humor.

You know, look at somebody wrote here, man. I want my baby back baby back ribs. Yeah. That's what I'm talking about. See, that's how I am though. I have to admit, I'm not late. I did that with, I get excited too. Instagram lives.

I know. It's so exciting when you're first seeing it. But to them, I'm like, I don't do a lot of Instagram lives for that reason. Because I just, I just repeat the comments. I know, me too. I'm terrible. That's why I don't do it.

I don't really know how I'm supposed to do that. That's, it's endearing. I haven't seen Garth Brooks's. Have you seen James Brolin's? No. Yeah. Have you seen how he posted one of just his bare ass in cowboy boots?

Yeah. Like, good for him. Yeah, he goes for it. Yeah. Yeah. And he looks like he really seems like he's, he's living his best life. I think a lot of people don't quite know that it,

that it goes to everybody. Yeah. You know what I mean? I feel like a lot of people, I used to think this. Let's go into my friends. That's, you just think it's like a mass text to your friends. And then you're like, no, like news reporters follow you. Like journalists follow you, you know.

Yeah. I was going to put, I was going to do an Instagram live after, that's what's so messed up when my guy proposed. I literally was like, how are we going to get a picture of it? Like I first, my first thought was like, is there a picture? How am I going to get a picture? And my second thought was, say no as a joke. Oh no.

I can't believe you're having this reaction. Because I was like, I was like, oh my God, the fact that another comment, because I was like, just say no, it just go. And then be like, yes, of course. And then I was like, don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it.

And I like froze. Like, you know how like computers like rebuffering stream. Yeah. I was like, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't joke. And then I was crying and I couldn't. But in my brain, I said to, you know, I was like, oh, should I have done that? And I asked him, I was like, would that have been funny?

And he was like, I would have doubted this forever. If you had done that, you monster. No, you have to have a real moment. I know. It's just this comedy programming. I was just like, oh, I should like make a joke out of it. And then I was like, there's something wrong with this. Like social media and all have like totally toxified my brain.

Yeah. You know, it's interesting. Tommy and I together, we have our fun. Like I think behind closed doors, we were pretty much the same people. Yeah. But they're, we don't joke a lot. Right. Tommy.

Really? Like we're fucking boring. We joke. Usually. But yeah, we joke. Yeah, we do actually. Yeah. No, we joke a good bit actually.

But I don't know. I wouldn't say it there. Do you ever feel like, do you ever like, like I find this now with social media because there's just this like pressure to constantly be posting and like do you, are you ever like, oh, we have to do a thing. Let's just film this. No.

You, you never feel like that obligation. Honestly, I refrain a lot from social media when I, when I got shit to say, I ain't going to say it. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. I don't fucking care. It's not interesting to me. Yeah.

But I know when I, because I'm obsessed with Instagram, I actually really enjoy other people's. Yeah. Yeah. And you find that it's just the same shit over and over. Like totally. Here's the dog in me. Here's the sandwich.

Here's the thing. You're literally talking about my feed. Right. But it's everybody's feed. Yeah. Totally. So I'm like, I'm just looking at the same shit every day. Yeah.

But I still like it. I don't want to just do another thing that other people have to stare at that they've already seen. Which in turn should, that should be the argument for me doing it more because I'm like, oh, that must mean other people enjoy the banal sort of minutiae. Or they don't. They're just going, oh, idiot, idiot, idiot, you know.

And then you're like, I'm going to be another, I just, it's like so this social media, like this is the part of the business that I haven't wrapped my head around because it's such a big tool. And I'm still like, no, you're great at it. I think you should give yourself credit because you're very vulnerable.

And I would say that is so hard to do on Instagram and brave and great. And it's worked for you. I think you've done it really well. That's really nice. I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing. It's like, I feel, I don't know, it doesn't, but there's some people that I feel like do it well, you know, and I'm just like,

I mean, just the Garth Brooks talking into a thing. It's just like, what are your Garth Brooks? Like what do they have to do it? Or do they want to do it? That's always my question. I think someone's telling them that you should be doing this. You should be on social media. I had to connect with your fans.

Yeah. I had that conversation with Demetri Martin the other day because he's just like, I don't know how to do this. I'm like, dude, you're perfect for social media. Do these one liners. Just feel it. It's great. He was just like, I don't want to be like, hey guys,

I'm like, you don't just do it your way. Do what Garth does. Let the conversation begin. Yeah. Slick step. It's really weird. Is he touring or it's just for him? No, he's touring.

He's touring. The big ass arena tour. The big ass stadium tour. Stadium tour. He's Garth Brooks. I know, I know. He's Garth Brooks. Crazy happenings too.

You know who's not Garth Brooks? This guy? Hey, there he is. The little dick faggot. You got a little fucking teeny dick, huh? Yeah, I'll bet you do. I'll bet you do, you know. Billy.

Yeah, your dick's so little that no wonder you're fucking gay. That's because you can't please a fucking woman, isn't that right? Some women have your dick so little you decided to be a fucking faggot because you can't please a woman and I'm sure you've heard, oh, is it in yet? That's because they can't fucking feel it.

They can't feel your dick because you're such a fucking loser. You're such a little fucking little dick. You know what's crazy? He got paid to do this. There's one thing that's crazy about this. Somebody paid him to do this. Who? A man.

The Phillies? I bet they love this dress. I bet they're psyched that this is their new ad. This guy is paid to humiliate. So you hit him up on Skype and you have to pay him and he humiliates you. Is it like a serve? It's like a sexual, like.

It's a fetish, yeah. Because I know I'm really into dominatrix. Really? Me too. I'm super annoyed. I feel like I could do it. I feel like I could do for a village. You'd be great at it.

You'd be great at it. So would you though. No, I'd be like, I'm sorry. No, I'd be like, this is a thing that's obviously a trauma happened to you. Oh, right. Yeah, I'd be like, this is a maladaptive response. Here's what I would do.

Master humiliator. Humiliator with an A on Skype. But there's something. I'd be like, hey, can we work on the lighting? Like I would. The lighting is terrible. It's really horrific. Which is why he's perfect for this project.

And how much money is it? How much? I don't know. Everyone has their own rates and you know, we don't want to get into their personal business. But yeah, I'm not sure. I'm not sure what he charges. But I'd be interested in signing up.

You could do this. Here's what I would do. You could totally do this. Here's what I would do. If I weren't married with a mom, I would do fart videos because that's just easy money. But it's just your butt farting. Have you seen the girl that sits on cakes?

Of course. Yeah. We could do that. I could do that. I could do fart and I could kick guys in the nuts. No problem. You couldn't. No problem.

I would do it for free. But what's the, how I've always, I'm sorry, I don't know the answer is 36 years old. How do you kick someone in the nuts but not the dick? How do you, you have to hold? Practice. No. Practice.

No. Those nuts will usually like the way that they hang. If you kick, you're going to kick the balls. Does the dick, when, does your dick hurt when it gets kicked also? It's just the nuts part. Really? Your dick doesn't hurt? I mean, if you get kicked in the dick, it's very,

the way that they lay together, your balls are much more sensitive. And if you get hit in the balls, you feel it up inside of your, you know, your abdominal area and it fucking really hurts. But your dick only hurt. Like I feel like during sex, if it jams, that's the thing that hurts the dick. Yeah. Right.

If it jams, what do you, the ball jam up? No, the dick. Like if you miss, you know what I mean? You can break it. You can break a dick. Tommy Lee's had his dick broken. Really? Yeah.

He's talked about it on stream like a million years ago. That's a bummer. Dennis Rodman talked about that. Oh, Rodman got his dick broken. Is it cartilage or is it salt cartilage? There's blood vessels that can pop. That's not great. It's not good.

I don't think I could fart. I don't think I could fart in front. Do you not fart in front of your fiance? We don't fart. No. Well, you got to change that right quick. 01:37:56,360 --> 01:37:57,880 You got a whole lifetime of holding in farts.

Isn't that weird? But what about Brown? When did you get, when was the first time you guys farted? 01:38:01,960 --> 01:38:02,440 Stop it. One month into it, he put my hand in his crotch and he farted on my hand. How does my apple smell, huh?

That's a month in Whitney. This is disgusting. Like our whole life is disgusting. I don't think farting is this. I think it's funny. I would love to do it with him. I love it too. We just don't, he's done it in front of me,

but I try to not do it. You got to cross that barrier at the right time. You got to do it. Yeah. You got to do it. Otherwise it's a lifetime of holding in. I remember Howard was saying the key to his relationship is they have separate bathrooms.

I know he doesn't like it when Beth farts. No, they've never. Yeah, they've never. Talks about pouting. No. So, but she's like an angel. Like she's like a cherubic angel. I follow her on Instagram.

We'll talk about this off mic. The thing is, but what about when you have to Brown? Do you announce it? What do you do when you're hanging out and you got to go take a Brown? I just pretend I'm doing something else and I spray perfume around the bathroom and I turn the faucet on.

Yeah, I just pretend. Like in his mind, I've never. Oh, wait, wait, wait. But what if it's a hot Brown? What if it's a sick Brown? Like it's diarrhea. Like you've got diarrhea. Yeah.

And then you go a few times. I tell him like, oh, I got to go get dry cleaning and I go do it at Starbucks. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I just go somewhere and do it somewhere else. You go somewhere else? Sometimes, yeah. Or I'll just be like, hey, I have to make this call.

I'll just lie. I mean, I feel like a good relationship is built on just lies, right? So it's helping. Yeah, I'm like, I got to go do this call real quick. Are you going to be in here for a minute? All right, I'm going to go in here. I'm going to go take a bath.

That's a big one. And I just turn on the bath water. Seriously. And just like wet my, I'm like, oh, just took a bath. Plus, since he's not in your business, he doesn't know you could be like, I got to do this. Yeah, like I'm like, I have to do this. I have to call him to Tom's podcast.

I have to talk to the president of comedy right now. The president of show business is called. So, but then you must have a few bathrooms in your house. I'm hoping like a safe haven that you can go to. 01:39:41,400 --> 01:39:44,840 My bathroom is like, because it's also like, I feel like I got this thing in my head a couple of years ago where people used to say like, oh yeah,

with the stuff you talk about in your special, it's just like a deterrent to guys. So in my head, I was like, okay, in my personal life, I have to like over correct and not do anything polarizing or whatever. Right. Because in my standup, I'm like talking about squirting, you know, all that kind of stuff.

So it's like, okay, like in my personal life, I should probably tone it down, which might be true, but it's like a narrative I have in my head. You know what's so interesting? I was just telling Tom about how liberating it must be when you no longer have to be sexually viable to men. Like imagine how much funnier you're going to be, like both of us when we're like totally barren,

post-menopausal. Can't wait. Just shoplifting. Like fucking what? What are you going to do? Squirts everywhere. Yeah, all constantly. Short hair.

I feel like the reason him and I, the reason I wanted to be with him, like I feel like I can just be garbage around him. She's basically saying when you're this lady, okay. Fuck you. Both of you. 25, 25 residential. Fuck you both.

What does that mean? She doesn't mean happy life. Fuck off. Both of you. Fuck you. Got it. Hey, babes. Fuck you.

Got it. Fuck you. Lover. Lover. I know. That's what I might be. Four months away from that shit. Love that.

Lover. Yep. That's what's for straight. Straight. Yeah. Very to a man. What's 25? Oh, 25 is a speed limit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought that was just kind of her like, been here 25 years. Lover or the fucking dog. The whole deal. That's gonna be me. You know what's hilarious? The fact that you get off on me abusing you.

Oh. The fact that you're a little fucking little faggot dick. I've seen bigger belly buttons than your dick. He didn't get the FGT memo. I love that he doesn't write it out first. He's kind of disimpromising. This is my job. I'd write the insults out first.

Oh, I think so. Yeah. I just do like a pass. Yeah. I just like put effort. Punch up pass. Like you're like a fucking, like he's coming up with it.

Like prepare for your job. All right. See how I'm prepared. I love it when he's still working all like when it comes. Our perfectionist like even in the impromptu insults. She's like, I would have them in my pocket. You didn't have someone punch this up first? Yeah.

I took two business mine. I love it. I love it. It's like, let's make a business out of this. Let's do some money. 01:42:02,920 --> 01:42:03,800 This could be a thing. I love it.

Just so people can, where are you going to be? Oh, gosh, I'm doing, I'm going to Nashville. I'm going to Salt Lake City. I'm going to Raleigh. I'm doing the whole deal. You're doing a bunch of places. Yeah. I'm trying to go to non LA, New York.

I'm trying to go everywhere. That's where you sometimes comics. It's like when you work on a special, you can't just go to the, you know, places. You know, I, you said Flappers. I just did two Sunday nights in the You Who room in a row. My favorite. And yeah, the reason being you've got mall people.

These are valley. That's right. Normal fucking people. People who like chain restaurants. They laugh. You know, you got something. The people that are watching, it's like, you don't just want to be doing comedy for your friends.

I think a lot of times we get so myopic, you know. That's a big word. These are all hitting it, man. She's working. Yeah. I just added a bunch for January. Thank you. Whitney Cummings.com.

Go see Whitney live. She's coming to your city. Bakersfield. Cleveland. Oh, sorry. That's already passed. I did those already. So Sacramento, Spokane, Vegas, La Jolla.

Salt Lake, Nashville. Jesus Christ. What a nightmare. A bunch of cities. Look stressful. See her live by her books. I don't think I've ever been to Salt Lake City for comedy. Oh, so good.

You're gonna love it. Are you doing it? It's a great club. What are you doing? Why's guys? Why's guys? Love Why's Guys. Never been.

You can have fun. A totally new hour. No politics. Not one politic. There you go. Zero in it. It's like, I feel like people should know that. You know what I mean?

Smart girl. Yeah. It's like, nah, it's over, right? No one wants to hear about it. No one wants to go see comedy and like, get in a fight with their spouse. Anything else, Gene? Watch The Degenerates.

I am the last one in the lineup. Lucky number six, the number of the beast. Watch that. It's fantastic. The Rider-Dyed Tour. Check out the 2019 dates on Christina Peay online. The Degenerates just dropped like yesterday. Today.

Today. Great. Great. And as we mentioned earlier, this is a rare occasion, but we're gonna take you right now to our in-depth conversation with Kate from Below Deck.

Who was in here visiting. And that will be that. Thank you guys. We'll see you next week. Thank you, Whitney, very much. Thank you. I hope that was fantastic. Who's the best?

Oh, God. You're amazing. This is so exciting. We've never been more excited to have a guest ever. And we must do a proper introduction because whenever we discuss reality, you know it's real talk.

Oh, yeah. Real talk. Oh, yeah. Real talk. Oh, yeah. Real talk. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Do you want to go ahead and do the introduction? I am so excited right now. I mean, we've had many famous people in studio. You are by far. I'm just, I'm so excited. I'm so starstruck right now to be sitting next to the one and only Kate Chastain

from Below Deck. We've watched you for, I feel like we've been watching you for decades, but it's only been a few years. Working on boats for decades, but yeah, it's been a five seasons now. Five seasons for those that don't know that are listening, watching,

we are hardcore fans of Below Deck. The Bravo TV show that takes you on mega yachts, super yachts with a full crew of which Kate is a chief stew. That's in that person. We know the window. Yeah. The person, you know,

you have to speak to the people that don't know. The person in charge of the interior. This is service making sure that, you know, the rooms are clean and tidy. Make sure everything looks great, presentable. Yeah, it's like running a boutique hotel on the ocean. It's like you're at, yeah, like a beautiful hotel and you want nothing but impeccable service.

And what we've discovered, first of all, is that not only do we love impeccable service in real life, we love watching people deliver impeccable service on reality TV. And we love watching people who know great service yell at people who don't know how to provide impeccable service. And you certainly would enjoy below death.

It's so great. We're so into it. We're so. And you know what I love best about it is that it's kind of like Downton Abbey when you think about it. That's what people have said. Yeah.

Didn't it start at this around the same time? I think that was the original pitch that Bravo had in mind for. It's like Downton Abbey on the ocean. Yeah, it makes total sense. Yeah. Upstairs, downstairs world. That's right.

That's right. And you end up, of course, being much more fascinated by downstairs. That's the thing. That's where all the good stuff happens. That's where all the good stuff happens. How did you? OK, so anybody can obviously check out the show.

You're going to be into it. It's so great. There's so many characters. But like before obviously the show, you've been working on yachts. How did it even come about? How did it start? My cousin had done it in the 90s,

which I really respect because there was no internet. So once you set out on that boat, you were cut off from civilization. So she would send us postcards every now and then from every different country. And I was like, oh, that sounds cool. And then after college graduation, I was like, I don't want to get a real job yet.

Yeah. So I was like, oh, let's do yachting for one year. And then I'll make money. And then I'll come back and figure it out. And you'll meet your billionaire boyfriend. Yeah, that was really my plan. Yeah. So I was like, oh, I'll just float off

into the sunset with a billionaire. That didn't exactly happen. But I did end up doing it for like seven years. Because once you start working on yachts, you feel like you've won the life lottery. You have, it feels like exotic summer camp for adults that are cool. Right.

Bunk beds, shared meal times. You've got a five-star chef cooking your food. You've got no bills. You're living on this yacht. Possession is 90% of ownership. If the owners aren't there, it's your yacht. You're using their tender to go wakeboarding every day after work.

It just feels amazing. Yeah. And then that wears off. But you feel like you're always chasing that first-year dragon. Well, here's the thing. Because Tom and I, every season without fail, we marvel at how hard you guys work.

And we sit there and we're like, how do these people do this? You're not sleeping and the exterior has it rough because of the heat and the salt. And then you guys have it rough because of the drunk people. People you're dealing with. And also you're cleaning. How do you do it? When you see on a reality show too,

those cameras are always rolling. It's like one in the morning, two thirds. Someone's still doing dishes. Kate's up. Three in the morning. It's a lot of work. But you're stuck on the boats. There's not much more to do.

And you're making such good money that it's kind of worth it. It taught me a lot about cleaning. It taught me a lot about laundry and a lot. I didn't know any of that before I started. And boy, now my favorite thing to do is iron sheets. Yeah. Yeah. It's so relaxing.

Wait, so what? So can you tell people what kind of money they can make in that role? So like a first year stewardess, I think I started out on a 189 foot yacht, which is pretty big. So a third stew of that size vessel. But I was making like 2,500 bucks a month.

And that's not bad for a young man. But that's all disposable income. And so then if... Right, because you're not paying rent. You're not paying rent, food, nothing. You've got no expenses. And a lot of times you're in international waters. And they're like international bosses.

So then if you're on a charter boat, on top of that, you get tips. So let's say I was on a 160 foot boat. I was second stew. I was making four grand a month. And then we had a busy charter December where we did like four charters. So I made about 16,000 in tips.

So in December of 2013, I made 20 grand. Just all cheese. Hey, that's good money. That really is. So the work doesn't seem as much when you compare it to... Sure, if you're getting that kind of money, then you go like, let's do dishes, man. Let's do them right now.

Yeah. And you're with a crew that's international, young, well-traveled. It's fun. When everybody knows how to do their job, yachting is actually fun. It's when you've got the inexperienced people that it becomes less.

How much is that a reality of what's happening to you not being... Not filmed. Like you're out there, you're working. How often are you dealing with under-train pretty often? No, I mean, I think green people start on private boats. Charter boats are a little bit more intense schedule, a little more demanding.

So usually to get on a charter boat, you'd have at least a year. You know what you're doing slightly. You get it. What's the difference between a private and a charter? A private yacht is... Well, all yachts are owned by somebody so rich that we don't even know who they are.

Like a Russian oligarch, they pay where you can't Google them. There's one Russian arms dealer that has a yacht that just goes around the South Pacific and he never visits. And I'm pretty sure he's just got something on that boat that he's keeping moving. Yes. So my friends they've made on that boat.

He's got a great life. And so a lot of time to offset the cost of these yachts because just to keep it running a year is about $4 million budget with staff and cleaning supplies and dockage. So to offset that cost, they'll charter it. They'll rent it out for a week set of time. So because that's what we noticed.

It seems like constant cleaning. The exterior crew is wiping that boat down 24-7. Yeah. It's job security for sure for us, but it is such an expensive vessel. And I would always feel guilty when the owners weren't... Well, not that guilty, but if the owners weren't visiting, I'm like, gosh, they're just paying me like hanging on their boat.

But I've worked on boats that tried to cut corners and didn't have a full-time crew. And with something that expensive as an investment, well, not really an investment, but if you spend that much money on a boat, you want it to stay in good condition. Yeah, for sure. Now, I was just up last night reading my favorite book.

Oh, you're so sweet. Kate Chastain, Lucky Charming. And what struck me about you, hey, you're a fantastic writer. You're very funny. First of all, that's why we love you. Your commentary is so funny on the show. And what I've always admired about you

is that you're never afraid to be who you are. And I think especially as women's society has us being polite all the time and smiling and you were so refreshing. Because I hate using those words. Your first soothing resting bitch face. Arresting bitch face. Because you're not a bitch.

You're just a fucking person doing your job. I'm not a bitch. I'm just a little busy. Yeah, just a little busy over here. And the whole resting bitch face thing, I had never really thought I had it before. I was using that as a defense for the rocket ship link that I had made.

It was like a moment of panic. So I thought like diversion, just say something. And it turned out it's kind of true though that I have a resting bitch face. Well, I just think you're a person who likes what they do. You're very professional. But what struck me as interesting is that you come from kind of a fancy pants background, right?

Not really. I mean, I went to private school, but it's not that fancy. But I do enjoy high end service. Like I really do love it. I love being dressed up. I love jazz lounges. I like the finer things in life. So my dad offered to get me a new car

when I was in college if I majored in nursing because he wanted to make sure I would have a good job. But I can't do it. I can't even watch Grey's Anatomy. So I want a job that's going to have some element of fun to it. Like being a nurse probably never like, this was a fun day. But like in high end service, there's like people celebrating and then having a great time.

And that's why I've always kind of loved that area. Okay. Because I was thinking like, oh, she came. I was just trying to think of how shocking it must have been for you the first time you worked on a yacht. And you're like, oh my God, like I'm really working. This is really hard. Yeah. That was a big shock.

Because when I went to go work on my first yacht, I packed my suitcase and I was like, I'm gonna wear aviator sunglasses and a scarf around my neck. And my friend was like, yeah, if they let you, I didn't realize how much of the help I would be. But we had an engineer on board and he brought his dog on board while we were at the dock. And one day I was cleaning up after the engineer's dog.

That was my job. I was below a dog in the hierarchy. So that was a real wake up call. And it was a tough adjustment. Yeah. How big of an adjustment was that for you? Huge. Well, it wasn't easy. But the good thing about the yacht is, once I got the job on the boat that taught me everything,

we were in the middle of the ocean. So I couldn't really escape if I wanted to. I was kind of forced to evolve. But I'm thankful for it. Yeah. Yeah. So hard. It's, yeah, I'm so fascinated by the world.

I'm also somebody that I feel like I really appreciate. Appreciate great service. And it kind of like really gets under my skin when I'm somewhere and not getting, especially if you're somewhere where it should happen. You know, like you go to a nice hotel and you're like, the fuck is going on here with the front desk and no one's answering the phone when you call.

And you're like, hey, you're paying a bunch. And like, it's not that I feel like I'm super demanding, but I also feel like, you know, I would be, if I was the person working, I would be trying to give great service to the guest. It bothers me because it would, I wouldn't do it. I'm not high maintenance, but I do like things that are fair. Yeah.

We're entering this contract that I'm going to pay top dollar for a fine experience that I expect them to deliver that. Yeah. Yeah. And I also like, it's also why like if somebody, I don't know, even talks to you shitty, you're like, yo, I treat everyone with respect. So the moment I feel like I'm not being treated with respect,

yeah, it just makes my blood boil, you know. Now at a restaurant, will you complain or will, you know what I do? I feel bad. I don't complain to the restaurant. I don't complain to the server, but whoever I'm dining with, I feel so bad because I'll be like, thank you so much.

And then they'll walk away. I'll be like, God, this is horrible. Yeah, I'm like you. I'm like you. I don't punish the people. I don't punish the server. No, I mean, I'll comment about it after they leave and I won't be happy.

But I'm not one of those people like sends things back or anything. No, one time I did something. I'll send things back because if it's inedible, then that's on the chef. You have to be like, dude, the chef, sorry. I had a restaurant one time. That was actually in Florida, like a nice steak house.

And I asked for something medium rare and it was like clearly well done. And I was like, hey, so I sent it back. And you know what they brought out? A fully raw piece of meat. And I was like, OK. It's kind of an FU. Yeah, I was like, but I wasn't a dick about it.

I was just like, hey, this is definitely not medium rare. And then they're like, here's a raw piece of beef. And I was like, OK. And I didn't make it a thing again. I was like, I took a couple bites and I was like, I'm full. Thank you very much. So I don't know. One time I did do something out of emotion

where I got kind of disrespected by a restaurant. So I put a post on my Instagram. I told them to leave negative Yelp reviews. And they did. A thousand. A thousand. I love this kind of stuff. I like a creative payback.

I don't go out of my way to do it to just random people. But if you slight me, I love a creative payback. Oh, it was great. I just think people destroyed their Yelp. And then the restaurant figured it out, called the comedy club that I had been working at that week. And they're like, we want to talk to him. And they were like, he doesn't work here.

He's a comedian that passed through. And so they couldn't figure it out. Eventually though, Yelp figures out if something is like spammed and they fix it. That's great. Yeah. But it was very satisfying. Will you leave a Yelp review yourself?

No. Me either. No. I don't have a profile. I don't even know. I don't even have the app. I've tried to even like look at a restaurant. I don't want to.

The only time I did is when I got an infection from a pedicure salon. And I was like, it's just kind of a health thing. You got to protect the other people so that doesn't happen. That's really the only time I will. Or a positive, super positive. Oh. Because I feel like you should reward the people.

You know, do what they're supposed to fucking do. There's a couple of things. There's so much stuff that we're like obsessed with on the show. One thing that we touched on. I think you touched on this. We even went back. We started watching. Season two, okay.

I love season two because it looks like a documentary compared to like what it does. It's like so much more raw and rough. But I love it because we didn't know what we were doing with the show. Like I had no idea. I was just there to be. Did you know Lee before?

No. Because he has that great line when he goes, shit, he goes, okay, it looks like she should be chartering the yacht. That was really, really nice. Well, that's another thing that happens when you work on yachts. This is why I don't have as much money saved from all those great charter tips as I should.

Because you're around the most wealthy people on the planet and you start seeing how they live. And you kind of, your tastes kind of automatically, you want to live like they do. So when you have time off, you're like, well, I made all this money, but I work hard. I deserve to live like them. So it's like Chanel and.

It traps you. Well, she said Birkenbeg. That's what you want. No, I would never do that. No, that's the month of December, 2014. I guess all of it. Yep. No, I would never.

I mean, I've gotten Chanel. But Birkins are crazy. Yeah. That's crazy. I don't know how much I don't even know. It started like 15 or 20. Okay. Yeah.

No, I like Chanel. That's good enough. Right? Good enough. I love you. It's good enough. Come on. So you mentioned this.

How often does it happen? You mentioned, I think it's on the recent season, the fear of the verbal tip. Oh, the verbal tip. That happens in service as well. When somebody's like, you did such a good job. It's like, no, no, no, no. Because they're like, I want you to know I appreciate you

because I also know that I'm not going to tip you. Yeah. Because I'm cheap. Right. Do you think it's. But I like you. So does that feel good? Yeah.

It's an overcompensation for what they're not going to do. It's almost fuckers. Insult to injury. So now I can't even be mean to you or hate you because you're so nice. Yeah, you're so nice. And I've paid enough. So anyway.

So here's what I'm curious about. So on the show, people are obviously chartering for a couple of days. But typically, somebody goes on a charter, a yacht. It's for a week, I think, is the standard time. Right? That's like that. So what is the standard for.

I've looked up and I've seen that you can charter these yachts, these super yachts, mega yachts for $100,000, $200,000, $300,000. It's crazy money. Yeah. What is the industry standard for tipping? Is it a percentage of that? It's 20 percent. It's 20 percent.

Like so in. Fuckin' A. I know. That's a huge tip. I know. So let's say. Oh, it's so much money. So much money.

Seven days work. So that's how I made all the money in December 13. So let's say the boat was $150,000 for the week. And that doesn't include fuel, food, docket. Oh my God. It's just. So they're going to spend $200,000 minimum for their seven day vacation.

But also they give something called an APA, an advanced provision allowance, where they send us thousands of thousands of dollars to get shopped for all their champagne and lobster and oysters and all their food. And a lot of times we don't use all of that money. So what they'll do is they'll tip us 20 percent on $150,000, which is $30,000 divided by 10 crew.

So you get three grand there and then they'll say, and you can have the rest of the APA. So you'll make. What? Yeah. So we'll just like figure it out. They're like, yeah. So because because after seven days of the best service

on the planet, they are just so blissed out of their mind. They're like, take it all. We don't thank you because seven days is a long time to be on a boat with these charter guests. And by the end of it, your friends. Yeah. So they seven days, the typical length of seven days is the minimum.

I've had charters that stayed on board for a month. No. Yeah. That is a goddamn fortune. Yes. They were rushing this group, but a lot of the Russians have the big in the middle and in the Middle Eastern. There are, but they have the biggest, biggest, biggest boats.

Like they almost like compete with each other. There are these two sheiks who were like competing. They don't tell how big they're building their yacht because they don't want them to like outdo them. And then there was one sheik who like had finally built the biggest yacht. He stepped foot on it for the first time. And he's like, I feel too far away from the ocean.

Sell it. Like they just have stupid money, but that size boat. I don't like working on. I don't like working on anything over the 200 feet because then I was about to ask you. We're getting into like small cruise ship. And it's just 20 crew members. It's just nuts.

What's the ideal? What's the best size? I love a 180, which is 60 meters. And that is usually around 14 crew. It's big enough where you don't get sick of your crew members. There's enough people, personalities to bounce off of, but it's not so many that you feel like you're just a cog in a wheel.

It feels like so like a family. Right. And it's big enough for the guests to feel like there's plenty of rooms to go to and move around. It's just you're going to get higher tip money because it's going to cost more, the bigger the boat. So 180 is the real sweet spot. And that happens to be the size of the boat

that we used on this season of Below Deck in Tahiti. In prior seasons, we've been using like 150, which is also a great size, but then you go to 60 meters and that's kind of like perfect. Which brings me to the next question perfectly. A lot of the previous seasons, and I think most of the time, like I'm from Florida, so you're just exposed to the Caribbean. Huge difference between working in the Caribbean and Tahiti?

Honestly, not so much. Because you're on the boat? Especially for me. Like, oh, look, another palm tree out the porthole. But the only difference really is the language barrier because I don't speak French, Polynesian, or French at all. I would like to. But it was a lovely change because I've done the Caribbean

so many times that this was at least new, a new location, and made it exciting for me. But at the end of the day, if you're not getting off the boat, you're not truly experiencing the places that you're going as much. Like a lot of yachties work for bragging rights, but that's all BS. Like, they're like sending photos home to mom and their friends on Facebook. Like, look, oh, just in Cannes, in Capri,

and yeah, when really, it should be like day 47. Every day is a struggle. So let me ask you one. I love the preference sheet meeting. So Captain Lee sits down with Kate and who else? The Bosun. And a chef. Yes, and comes the preference sheet,

which is a photograph of the primary, which is like the lead guest. It's his, her. It's their 200 grand. Yeah, and they're choosing what friends to bring. Or they paid the most. They get the biggest room. Oh, is that right?

Okay. This money is extraordinary. I have no idea it was this banana. So, and then there's a list of like things they like, things they don't like. And there have been guests who were Southern and were like, we don't lack vegetables or fruits. And Chef Ben was like, are you being serious?

It's like horrified. Totally horrified. Yeah. And they're like ranch, dressing, and then stuff to put in ranch. It's such a funny contrast to have that chef because he's so posh, you know, and that guest. We miss Ben. We miss Chef Ben.

Ben is hilarious. He's, he's a genius. His dad actually wrote that book, Loan Survivor, that was made into a movie. So. What? Yeah, that's his dad. Fun fact.

Yeah. He's his dad's New York Times bestseller with like a lot of military books. That, actually, that film's great too. Yeah. Really great. So, Ben grew up very posh and, but he is a genius and he's self-made after he left home.

Like, he's such a good chef. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I know. We can see that. That's one of our, because we basically watch the show. It's entertaining. It's traumatic. And then what it is, is you, you go into fantasy land

of like, here's what I would do on the charter. And here's what we have here. And then we plan out, like, we're like, if we have Chef Ben, like, we're always like, I'll be like, dude, let it rip. Whatever you want. Do fucking blow our minds. Let's have fun.

Yeah. Because we like restaurants and food. Yeah. And fine night. And then when someone's just like, you got fries? And he's like, yeah. I can make some fries. Yeah.

Can I get some grilled cheeses and grilled cheeses? And I kind of get it. Because I do love a grilled cheese. But you never think of it, both one order's grilled cheese and then he's got to make 10 more. So that's a good idea. And that's when it really starts setting him off. And then it's, I mean, I get grilled cheese after you've

been drinking too. It's like. That's the thing. You're on the ocean. Yeah. Yeah. Now, but, OK, so here's Tom. Here's what we're going to do on our charter.

Here's our fantasy charter. Let's make it happen. Oh my god. We've already come on. Oh, man. I'm so into it. Yeah. So I need to sell a few more tickets.

Here's what we're not going to do. Any kind of themed night? No parties. No themes. You know what? I respect that. And that's proof that you guys are elegant. Because it's like, here's an idea for a theme party.

Yacht vacation. Is that not good enough? That's the fucking thing. It makes me bonkers to see them do that shit. The audience, for people that don't know, what happens is a lot of times people come on and then they'll give their food preferences and we want to have a beach picnic.

And by the way, we'd love for one night to be like a frat party night. Yeah. This is the kid of school. Oh, OK. And then it'll be like, you know, we have a, it's an all white party. We want men in it. They're just getting so random.

I think sometimes it's like, we want a blue and white party with a fiesta sub theme. I'm like, what is this? What is this? I think on regular charters, we're there for seven days. The guests can get a little bit bored. So towards the end of it, you'll be like, OK, it's casino night or in Monaco or pirate night

because you're on the ocean. But other than that, the theme parties are like gilding the lily. Sure. And also like, it's almost holding you back from having the best experience because now we got to serve you tacos because you wanted a fiesta.

Yeah. I totally agree. I like, I mean, I want it to be, I want to chill hard, great food all the time, maybe do a massage. Yeah. You know, I could see like, oh, I've been laying around. If there's a gym on board, I'll do a little workout. You know, read, watch a movie.

I don't know. Just I like to relax. You sound like the ideal chart, I guess. And that's, you've got great taste. Now, I do want to know, would you want to do a beach party? Because I don't really understand why people, I do hate doing them because it's so much work. It's so much work.

So it's like training for Iron Man, like dragging these heavy things across the sand. We should tell people what that means. So what happens is the yacht is anchored. You can't pull a huge yacht up to shore. So what happens is the guest goes, we want to go over to that beach that we see over there. We want to eat lunch on that beach.

And you have to prepare everything In two hours. To transport on tenders, the food, the tent, the tables, the chairs. Salt and pepper, butters, bug spray, toilet paper, forks, napkins, condiments, ice that melts. And we're usually in a very hot location. I've got to bring bags.

It's just so much. Can I tell you something? It never looks cool. I don't even like outdoor eating. Me either. Every restaurant that goes, you're like indoors. You have a luxury yacht, but you want to go eat in sand? No.

Why do you want like? I could see saying, hey, can we take the tender over to the beach? Yeah. And hang out. And then we'll come back for lunch. And eat on board. Yeah.

See, I just don't understand why they wanted the beach picnic. I would like to keep the sand away from my food. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah, I think it's gross. And I don't like, I mean, I don't know. I just, I just picture it just flies. It is, it's hot.

People are sweating. It's just weird. I don't like it at all. Now, is it true that whenever you anchor and, you know, it's like it's day three, should the deck crew have all the toys out immediately? Yes. Really? Yes.

Actually, I feel like we have to keep informing people. Yeah. Okay. So tell what that means. We've got a deck crew and we've got an interior crew. The deck crew handles like all the washing of the boat and the toys for the charter guests, which will usually be about two jet skis, a trampoline that floats. A slide.

A slide. They've got so many random. Are you good? Yeah, he just fell off his little tricycle. Oh, he's okay. He's okay. Oh. I talked to him.

You talked to him? He's like, okay, I'm okay. He's fine. He doesn't have a bump running. No, he's. We're talking about the toys. The toys, how the deck crew. Damn, the toys.

We don't have a tricycle yet. We don't have a tricycle yet. I don't have a water tricycle. They should. I think, yeah. I mean, the toys look fun, but it's also here's the bummer again for you guys. But I guess it's part of the price is a lot of times I imagine they set everything up. People are like, I just feel like laying down.

Right? Like I don't really want to use it. But that's, they are paying so much money. It should be read. Also, if everything's in the garage, they're never going to use, they shouldn't make the guests feel like they're burdening us. Everything should look effortless. Like the jet skis are there if you want them or if you don't, it shouldn't be like them asking,

do you think you don't mind, you know, getting the jet skis out? That's right. That's right. So that's why every time we drop the anchor, put it all out because they're paying big money. Yeah. See, I wouldn't, I don't know if I'd do the toys either. We were just talking when you're in there. I don't want a beach picnic.

No, thank you. Never. Why? Yeah. Why? Stay on the goddamn boat. Yeah. Put on your bathing suit, sunbathe, drink champagne.

Fantasy world to even discuss this stuff. Like that's the fun thing. I know. I love it. It's wild. Here's what, here's what I wouldn't do either. I'm not dressing up. Fancy dress.

You guys are so cute. You have the same preferences. Yeah. Yeah. It's my yacht. I'm going to come up on my pajamas and you guys are going to make me an amazing meal and I'm going to go lay down again. Oh, please.

Why would I have you put on a make-up? Please come try the bow. No, we need a little more scratch. I think so. God damn it. You know, maybe how old are we? Maybe in 10 years. Maybe in 10 years we'll do it and not send what's his name to college.

He doesn't need to go to school, right? So, so what's- He'll be a yachtie. He'll be a yachtie. What's the weirdest thing you've seen on a preference sheet? There was some bitch I think on Below Deck Med had white gumballs. Okay, that was ridiculous. Close.

I like, I'm embarrassed for you, lady. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, white gumballs. 02:10:39,240 --> 02:10:40,120 How do you have friends? If you met somebody in real life that liked white gumballs, you'd be like, oh, look, here comes some crazy white gumball girl.

Yeah. Like, did anybody ask why white? Well, is it gumballs? Five? Like, you shouldn't be eating that shit. Is your jaw okay? Yeah. What was it?

Was it this season two where- It's so gross. Cucumber ovaries. What? The Timothy Sykes-Penney stock trader guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That wanted like molecular spherification, which I get is cool, like very Thomas Keller.

A little difficult on a yacht, but okay. You want a cucumber ovaries? And I've never heard of that. And I can't- That doesn't sound like it'd be a good texture. No. No. Cucumber ovaries.

I like when you said there was the guy who had that little dime piece with him. Blondie. And then she was like, could you go ahead? And she was like super rude and snappy. Do you remember? He's an older guy. Was this last season?

And she was like AF, AF. Yes, yes, yes, yes. I mean, and then also it's like, it's always great when a man has to tell his lady of any age. Hey, dial it back. Calm down. Calm down. So what are you talking?

Is this your daughter? I'm not sure. You guys are going to last a long hole. You know? No. And how much do you see him now? And immediately how unattractive she becomes. Like she's this beautiful girl.

She started out. And right away, you're like 10. And when she left, she was like negative 10. Yeah, yeah. So yeah, that's so sad. It makes people so ugly. It was the hottest people are gross. Well, especially like I don't like what anyone's rude to.

I don't care if it's the parking attendant. Yeah. You know, the fucking captain, whoever it is, it's like, dude, don't be like that. Don't be shitty to people. So okay. So cucumber ovaries. And then what I know, I don't like the phone party guy.

That's disgusting. You know, he, um, yeah, he had so many requests and he invited us all out to his mansion in Acapulco. And I mean, I wouldn't mind going to a mansion in Acapulco, but then I looked at Air Force like $1,000. And I was like, I'm not paying $1,000 to go to hang with him. Yeah. Yeah.

And what is the deal with the phone party? Weird. So by the way, is he just hammered all day? All day. So hammered. And the more hammered he gets. In his dumb fucking jacket and hat, like trying to be like, I'm that guy.

Look at me. I'm the fucking crazy guy. Okay, Steve, gosh, it was just so exhausting. And I'm surprised he's like that. And Lee likes him? Lee likes going to Acapulco. And they, Captain Lee has gone out there with him a few times. And apparently he's not at all like that when he's in his own home.

You know, I think he's just trying to make the most of his two days, three days on the boat. But I blame Captain Lee for him coming back this season and being like emboldened. Because now he was like, I'm friends with Lee. I can act however I want. But Lee's up in the wheelhouse and I had to deal with him. I'm like, I didn't go to Acapulco.

You can handle your friend. I really like Lee a lot. Oh, he's such an archetype, stereotypical, what a boat captain should be, right? What's his history? Like it was, how do you become a big boat captain? He actually got into it late in the game. He did?

Yeah, he's got a real colorful past. Like he was working the steel field mines or something up north. And then like him and his wife were like, you know, let's get out of the rat race. And they went to run a restaurant in like the Virgin Islands. Like just picked up everything, went down there. Let's hope it works out. Didn't really work out that well.

So he started just working on boats because they were in the Caribbean. And then one thing led to another. He realized there was good money, but he didn't start to lose like 35. I feel like I just absolutely trust that guy. Like I would, I feel comfortable. And Captain Sandy.

I like, I like me some Captain Sandy. I like her too. She's very nice. She's very nice. You worked with her? No, but she stopped by my hometown and I took her out to dinner just to meet and compare notes. And she was lovely.

I just love also how opposite Captain Sandy and Captain Lear. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I think for Belodec Med, it would have been difficult for any male captain to come in and even, you know, compare to Captain Lear because it's, he's a stud of the seas. We've got a gold jewelry. He looks like Trident.

The jewelry, the jewelry. The jewelry. I know. I love it so much. The chains, bracelet, rings, what? I mean, it's so much gold. Yeah. That's a real Florida man.

That's the way I see it. That's such a Florida man. That's what I'm saying. He's such an archetype. If you told me, like, guess, like, if you showed me a picture of him with that on, I'd be like, immediately I'd be like the keys. I'd be like, that guy lives in Keyway.

Yeah, definitely South Florida. There is an aesthetic to Floridians, definitely. I know. You know what I like about Captain Lear too is his dread of dining with the guests. That's always, I'm like, I totally get it. He's like, ah, fuck. I gotta eat with these assholes, but they pay so much.

And I secretly enjoy it because of course the bulk of the time he gets to hide up in the wheelhouse while I'm stuck with all these yahoos. So I'm like, here you go, Captain Lear. Like, loving it. I got another specific question. Yes.

Season, because we went back to season two because we were so excited about this. Was Andrew, that was his name, I think. Was he Andrew Sturdy? Was he putting us on, like, was he just trying to get on TV? I mean, yes, I think so, but also I don't think he's the brightest guy. Oh, really?

Yeah, okay. In case you didn't notice. I mean, that's what's difficult about the job. A lot of people want to be on TV, but this is a safety thing. We need trained yachties because... He seemed like he was like, huh, I'm smiling a lot. That's cool, right?

I'm like, what are you, what are you doing? He thought, I think he thought he could get away with it. But if you don't know if you've never worked on a yacht, you're like, how hard can it be? Like, I was in my first yacht, but I wouldn't want to try that on TV, you know? No. No, that's going to be embarrassing.

It's probably not going to end well. Ask all the green people throughout the seasons, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I almost feel like when we went back to it, because I actually, at first I started watching it, and I was like, man, because you know, it's been a few years. Yeah. And I was like, wait, I saw this season, I thought.

I'd forgotten so much. But then when I saw the rocket ship towel. That's the best episode of all time. That's like the first big moment of the show. You guys, I don't know. It was like, I didn't plan it. This is really didn't plan this at all. I've never done anything like that in my life.

I've never made a rocket ship. I, and... Let's tell people though, listening what happened. Okay, so it's like... There's a guest on board. Yeah, and there's only like our second charter or something. So it's only been a week on this boat. I don't really know people.

They don't know me that well, like my crew. And I'm just doing as good a job as I can. I'm concentrating. And this guest says, I look bitchy, and that they'd like me to make some drinks. And to be told, you look bitchy, and then to make drinks, and then forced to smile is just, it was shocking. And I only cry when I'm frustrated.

And I was so frustrated because I was being humiliated. And then told to work. So I was like, I'm on TV. I'm not going to cry. I'm going to get through this. So I make the shots. I bring them out. I make it through a whole dinner service that night.

I go to bed that night thinking, good job, Kate. You didn't let the man get you down. Right. Then the next morning, I go to check the turn downs. And I just plan on making an anchor like I usually do. So that people know what you're saying though. It's that there's guests, they're out of the room. Yeah, so now they're moving breakfast.

The room always looks fantastic. And you do things with the towels to make it look exciting. Finishing touches. So I usually make an anchor out of the throat blanket on the bed. And while I'm in there, you know, I like a creative payback. And the rage was still inside me and hadn't been addressed. So I was like creative outlet. And I thought a middle finger was my first idea,

but that sounds complicated. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to translate well. Yeah, I like that it's just complicated. I have a towel. Not completely. No, it's just go on. That was like, it's not the right medium.

So in fun fact, a rocket ship, a phallic rocket ship, it's not that far off from an anchor. You just put the top together and fluff up the bottom. And so I made it and nobody was there. There's no cameras, no nothing. And I was just playing around. I wasn't really playing on keeping it. But when I saw it, I was like, oh, that's really good.

I was like, well, he was rude. So and then people saw it and freaked out. I thought they would laugh. They were not laughing. And that that guest really was not laughing. No one was laughing. What? We have a deck.

The the my crew thought that we weren't going to get it tipped because it was pretty disrespectful, I guess. But so that people know it basically looked like. Yeah, it looks like a big penis. Because he had acted like a dick to me. Yeah. But in all fairness, he's gay. That's what I was just going to say.

He is a gay man. So they like those things. You're providing service. Here you go. Yes. Things more things do you like. Yes. You know, preference sheets.

It's a theme party. And so like a bachelor party. That's a gay guy too. Oh, of course. Fabulous. So they wanted to fire me. They really did. So now it's week one.

I'm like, oh my God, what have I done? I have just made a huge dick on a bed on national TV. My mother, my. And you've just also, by the way, you're just for the first time working with Lee, right? 02:19:11,320 --> 02:19:12,280 So he's like. He's like, what are you doing?

Yeah, I thought they would like it because, you know, for ratings or whatever, they did not like it. So everyone didn't like it. No, no one liked it. And then didn't I, as I remember, because we didn't get that through the whole thing on season two, but it's in my memory. Didn't he eventually go like, I love it. He loved it.

And then he came back. He came back around and now I visit him in Scottsdale. Really? Yeah, we're fine. He finally got it, but it was a real scary couple of hours in a day. Wow. So you thought you thought you were leaving?

I thought I had just ended my career on national television and embarrassed my family. You thought you thought there was going to be a plane ticket in your. I did. And you tip out. Yeah, but it turns out not so much. Oh, let me ask you.

And I, it's like a production question to the plane ticket in the envelope, real stuff or production stuff. Yeah, I don't think I don't think they actually get the printout boarding pass. Oh, no, no. But I don't, yeah. Is that a practice? I'm saying, I don't know.

I've never gotten one from Captain Lee. Like, I don't know what's actually in that envelope, but being fired. Yeah, I've been fired a few times on yachts. And really? Yeah. She discusses it in her book, Lucky Charming. Yes.

Kate Chastain available. Well, according to my resume, thank you. According to my resume, I don't put that I was fired. I just say the boat was sold because if they sell a boat, the crew has like gets a payout and you go to find another boat. So I haven't been fired, but I have been on about three boats that sold. What was your, you know, what was the reason that they were

asking you to leave? On a yacht, you can fire people for any reason, even if they just don't like you. And you had that? Oh, yeah. It's like showbiz. Where it was like a captain? Oh, yeah.

My first yacht didn't like me and I don't really blame them because I wasn't used to working hard. Like, I'd be down the line during painting my fingernails. Like, I just did not get it. And when you have such tight living quarters, like one person that doesn't get it can throw it all off. And they're just like, you go figure it out. And when they fire you, it's aggressive.

Because usually when you get fired from a real job, you're not, you're unemployed, but you're not also homeless. So that's right. So if you get fired from a yacht, you could be in a foreign country and now you're unemployed and you're like, now what? And like the tender just takes you. Well, that's what she writes about in this book,

is that they didn't they dock you somewhere horrendous? I was in Free Port Bahamas, which just looks like Satan's shipyard. I'm pretty sure you shouldn't get off the boat without a tetanus shot. And that's where she gets fired. And a hard hat. And I'm like, finally, after a month of work, I'm like, ooh, a day off at the Bahamas.

And they're like, you're fired, you have one hour to pack in the cabalbie here. And it's just like shit. Holy shit. Now I had a question from all these charters you've been on. Has a chef ever been sick? I've had chefs not be sick, but lose their mind because all chefs are insane.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. They are, they just are. It's like to work in that heated environment and creative and they have to like that rush. You have to be a little nuts. So I did have a chef that we were angered off same parts with owners on board and he went to get provisions, but he told the grocer to keep a bottle of vodka

in the freezer. So it's like 10 a.m. He's slamming alcohol. He comes back to the yacht hammered. He's throwing chicken breasts against the galley wall, laughing. And we had to keep the guests on the sun deck and fire him and tender them off.

Really? Yeah. And then how hard is it to replace someone like that quickly? It's got to be. When you're in a yachting hub, there's usually one on shore that you can bring on real quick. Right. So when you dock, they're all and everyone drinks a bunch.

You're writing about that drinking culture too. Yeah, sure. Work hard, play hard. I mean, it's an industry of people that worked hard. They want to blow off steam and they got money to spend and. Yeah, you know. Oh, I wanted to ask you about this. You mentioned that you try not to cry on charter,

especially in front of cameras. There seems to me to be a theme on the show of fucking crybabies who, for whatever reason, break down and call their fucking mommies all the time and cry about like Rocky was a notorious crybaby mommy collar. They had to keep Rocky's mother's phone number on the dry erase board because that's how many breakdowns she had. Like it was like speed dial.

What? Like Rocky's mom, here's her number. We're going to need that tomorrow again. Yeah. I just don't get it. I don't get the confusion. Like you signed up for the job. And if they say they haven't watched the show,

they're lying or they're stupid. Like there's no excuse for you to come in at this point and not know what to expect. And also you're getting a lot of money. A lot of tip money. Is it too much for me to ask that you do the job as well? Well, they don't seem to understand that there's work involved. And then what does it matter what the chief's do is doing?

Like what does it matter if what you're doing has nothing to do? Like you give them the order and it always bothers me when they're like, well, what is Kate doing? It's like, bitch, it's none of your fucking women. Yeah. I've never understood that either. She's your boss, dude. Like when your boss is like, go do this.

She's like, what are you doing, boss? You would never do that in real life. But I think it's because you live with them. You most feel like we're more roommates than coworkers or it's important. You know, it blurs the line for people who don't, haven't done it a lot. And I'll admit when I was a second stew, I thought the chief's do is like,

God, I'll be such a good chief stew. How hard can it be? And then I got my first chief's do job and I wrote an email to my chief's do that I've been real sassy to. I was like, mea culpa, I am so sorry. This is way harder. I didn't realize there's a lot of stuff that, you know, I think that's with any work.

You don't know what the boss above is doing. I think it's a good thing though, because I've seen this, I mean, both on your show and like other work environments where somebody goes like, eh, there won't be really a hierarchy here. And that's a problem. You should set up the hierarchy. Um, yeah. You're like, you listen to me.

Yeah. Yeah, of course. It's not because I want to boss you around. It's because we need structure to get things done. Otherwise it's going to be free for all. Here's the, um, reality show experience that we have. Just so you know. Oh, I do you.

I so remember you. Oh, yeah. Oh my God. Oh, thanks. It's the short hair. Look at the hair, man. That was the late nineties. This is crazy.

Here's Chadwick. We still keep in touch. Look at us. Oh my God. Yep. Key flush. Susie. Oh my God.

This is why I made a false. This is the first mission. Look how skinny I was. Do you have a permit frog tattoo? No. Yeah, but she's got another one. I've got a tramp stamp. Before they were called tramp stamps,

I got it in Australia on the show. And then the most famous piece that I ever worked on is right here. I don't know if you remember this. What the hell is this? Oh, yeah. I worked on this episode. She's great.

I mean, when I say worked on, I was in post on the episode. Santa says Patrice down. Santa says Jimmy. She might go in here and do it. Here we go. Santa says.

Here she goes. Have you ever seen this bronze? I remember seeing this. I remember seeing slips. It went very viral. Yeah, it did. It did. And it was,

it's really... Oh my God. It's not Christians. Oh boy. Did you not ask if she believed in God? Oh, she comes possessed. She's not a Christian. She could be a Jew and believe in God.

It doesn't matter. She's tampering the undoubts added stuff. Yes. Yes, she did. The entire house is dork-sided. Dork-sided. She is dork-sided too. Oh my gosh.

I know. You ever have one of those on your charter? I mean, Rocky was close to that. Yeah, a little. I want no money. A little less than nothing. I want my God and I want my family. This is tainted.

That's the money. That's the check. From the show? Yeah. Oh, she's mad at production right now. She's mad at the whole thing. Because they traded families. And she went to Lucy Goosey.

Like everything's cool house. And that lady was in her house. So she's like, you know, she wasn't Christian. She was in our house. And she hated the whole... It was all evil. Everything was the devil. And she's like, I'm a God warrior.

I'm giving up to God. I'm a God warrior. And I don't want someone with tainted. This is amazing. Yes. Doing anything with my family. Where is she now? I would love to know.

I know. I'd be surprised if she were alive. But I remember when those tapes came in. Because I was working as a post coordinator on this episode. And you know, that's when we would send out a PA just to fly to the location, pick up the physical tapes. Because now things are probably digitized. And so back then you had to pick up the tapes.

And that person would literally board a plane just with tapes. And these tapes came in. And I was working the late shift. And one of the editors was like, you guys got to see this. Yeah. And we all go in there and we're like, oh, shit. And everyone knew immediately, like, this is going to be huge. Yeah.

Because it's basically what you want. Somebody losing their mind. Yeah. Yeah. It's the best reality show. On network TV. And when I was on road rolls back in the day, we weren't, they weren't casting nuts yet.

Like we were in genuine, they cast, here's what happened. Mary Ellis, butim of Butim of Murray. She came from a soap opera background. So her casting decisions were based on finding interesting people. Not crazy people. I like that. Yeah. And I think that's why Below Deck is so successful.

We got a good mix of both. Well, especially this season, we've got a great mix of intense personalities, but none of them are like off crazy. It's like fun and crazy. Yeah. Yeah. I guess road rolls is kind of similar to Below Deck. And then close spaces.

How did you love it? I liked it a lot. She liked the orgies. They had orgies all the time. We fucked it. No, we nerded it. I liked it because, yeah, you traveled. How long did you travel for?

So back in the day, they filmed for two full months. So now in the real world, you used to film for like five months, but now they've got that with the shows canceled, but they got the show down to like a month, maybe. Yeah. But we didn't always stay in the Winnebago. That was a production thing. They just made it look like we did.

We stayed in youth hostels a lot. But all in the same room, like bunking together. It was super cute. What a good life experience. Yeah, it was great, man. Nobody, we fought, but nobody hooked up. Of course. It was innocent.

And you were in Australia? Yeah. And you did a tour around Australia for two months. Yeah. It was great. I was, what, 21 years old? And I got to see another country and, you know, be on MTV, which was like the shit, right?

Wow. And then you did the challenge? I did one challenge in Jamaica, and I was miserable. I had a nervous breakdown. By day two, I was like, I can, these people, because by then it was the nut bags they had cast. Intense. Yeah, I don't like that shit.

And also, I don't think I would ever like to be on a reality show. What's a competition? A cop chef or like a project runway? Terrible. I couldn't do any of it. The competition of it all? I don't like it. It would stress me out so much that I will maybe

eliminate it on national television. Like that you're setting yourself up for humiliation unless you are that one person that wins. And that would not bring out the best. No. I'd be like, well, and especially because I was 26 years old, by the time I had done the challenge, and they were like, sit on a block of ice and a bikini for two hours for a free bike.

And I was like, listen, motherfuckers, I got $100. I can go buy a bike. Yeah, I'm too old for this. When you're 21, they take your money. And they're like, jump off a cliff to earn $100. You're like, OK, I got to eat today. It's a different dynamic. The formula change, too, where the formula became,

let's get people. Crazy people and hammered, yeah. Yeah, so it just became about, because I went with you. They asked you to go to some. Well, I was friends with Krista Braco. Yeah, so we're like a dinner or something. And I saw these cameras and I was like, I started to, I mean, I got like real anxiety.

I was like, I don't want to be a part of this at all. And then I noticed that I was like, I'm just going to literally stand in the background and not be a part of this. That they were giving everyone drinks. And then somebody would have a few drinks, come over and be like, hey, what is your fucking problem exactly? Out of nowhere.

And that was the fuel for the conversation in the show. And I was like, this is contrived and fueled by alcohol? It's like, I don't like it. And not the kind of, if you're clever enough, you don't need to rely on this to make entertainment. That's so base level. I prefer, if I'm going to be on TV, let's make it entertaining and not just gross.

Sure. Yeah. Look at these, look at these things that that's right. They were smaller back then. They were maybe C pluses. I was 21. And I was so skinny and I had those huge knockers. Yeah. What did you guys meet?

We met doing stand-up out here in LA like years ago. A million years ago. Years ago. We've been together for like 14 years. Oh my gosh, look at that. God damn, that was a far jump. So that was 50 feet, no, 25 feet and then 50. It was really scary actually.

They don't let you do this anymore at Wyoming Falls. I'm sure. Oh. Yeah, that was the nice. And we used to sign release forms before every mission, before we knew what they were. And it was to release the company from any liability. And I was wrestling crocodiles jumping off a cliff.

And back then they didn't give a shit to whatever you need. Are you really that brave or is it because you were on TV and you were like, well, I can't give up? No, I didn't want to be on Road Rules. I asked to be on the real world. I was like, put me in a house for five months. I want to smoke some cigarettes. I want to eat.

I want to talk to people. I don't want to do anything. And that's why they're like, you're going to go on Road Rules. And I was like, is it free travel? Okay. I was living in a closet in San Francisco because rent was so expensive in the 90s. And I just wanted out.

So. What's the most ridiculous request you've had from a? Charter guest. Yeah. I can ask this question all the time. And so I should have a good solid answer. But it turns out nothing's that ridiculous to me because it's all so ridiculous.

But I'll give some examples. Like I'm just a sensitize. I had a two week charter on. They were Russians again. And I know they have a lot of money. Long Island. They love votes. Yeah.

And also. Duck. Molotov cocktails. So they brought on their wives and their children for the first week and we get to know them and we're making for the babies. Okay. Bye.

Now the wives and children are leaving. And we're in St. Martin and literally I see the private jet with the mothers and the children flying over us. Well a gaggle of hookers are walking on board. Bye. And it's hard for us because we just got to know your children and your wives. And now we have to be like.

And so they were up in the jacuzzi having a good time. And I asked my sturdist came down. She's like I'm not going up there anymore. And I was like why? She's like well they all have something in their hand or mouth anyway. So there's not like there's anything I could give them. Whoa.

I know. That's awesome. Yeah it was funny. That's brutal though man. Yeah. So do you guys when you have clients like that or maybe just in general is there a bunch of nondisclosures that these people make you sign?

I mean you would think so. I don't think they expected that their sturdist was going to go on a reality show and spill other secrets. Yeah. Podcasts. What about when the celebs come on? Yeah. There's huge nondisclosures.

Oh there are. Jay-Z and Beyonce, they always rent a yacht in the winter time and their crew is like soaring secrecy. I worked on one yacht that I had to sign in NDA. It was this she, she's a music producer and she has a lot of celebrities come on like Kim and Kanye came on, Star Jones came on. Well that's not really the same field but

she only brings on famous people. And they do make them sign. Yeah we had to sign your boat contract. You have to say I won't say anything. And on the show by the way when it's tip time the tips are always cash. Is that in real life too? Always cash?

Sometimes you'll get a wire but yeah. Somebody asked me like do they travel without much cash and I'm like I guess they do. That's wild. That's wild. Yeah. I'll be like oh here's 50 grand I just brought with me. Yeah but they're going on a private jet

so it doesn't really matter. I guess you're not going to the ATM. I'm sure in the bottom somewhere. I'll go get some tip money for you. It has a limit. We gotta do it four more times. Yeah. That's true too.

Now what if this guy were like a charter guest. Would you, what would you do for him you know? Black guys would love to fuck and fuck good. If you're a hot black guy and you want to fuck me at $23.95. If you want to move in you can move in but you gotta fuck me. I need to be fucked a lot man. Get free food, free rent and everything else man. You have to deal man.

Well first of all I'd like to know that I can cuss on here because I did and now I'm sure that it's okay. Oh yeah. First I'd obviously make him a dick blanket. Clearly every day and then I would make sure we went somewhere that had what he was looking for because it sounds to me like I wouldn't be having to serve him too much if I found you know.

A black guy. Yeah. A black guy. Because he'd keep busy. Yeah. So baby Caribbean you would stay there for sure. I'd get 100%. Hey what do you think?

Because I'm so, I don't know. I can't imagine doing your job. I can't imagine being nice to shit bird people. What kind of personality type is drawn to this work you think? Honestly on real yachts that aren't being filmed on TV the guests don't really want to talk to you that much. They're just there to chill out, relax, take a nap and the Russians definitely don't want you to talk to them.

They don't. No. No. They want to keep it separate. Do they speak English? Most of the ones that come up? Yeah they do and they're nice enough but they're not there to talk to us. They're like I would want my coffee and they won't even say thank you half the time

which is fine because you just drop it off and go back to the crew mess and whatever. It's the guests that want to talk. It's almost that's more work. It's like we could have this fake conversation but also I've got a bunch of shit to do for you. So it's like I don't love chatting with the guests that are nice. I like a Russian asshole. Really?

Because it's just you know what you're getting. I think so too that guy. Yeah that guy for sure. Yeah. So that way because you know what you're getting though too. The Russian guy is direct. There's no like it's just very here's what I want and I don't want any bullshit. I mean I've worked for lovely American people

and that's great too. I guess the worst ones are the ones that want to party party party and usually it's people who have inherited their money that are the worst because most 99% of yacht owners are self-made and so they're busy. They're still working. They're like you know they're they're chilling out. Their family is relaxing but the businessman the moneymaker he's he's still working but it's the ones that inherit their money.

They don't appreciate anything and it's just that's a nightmare. So what happens like the the morning after the hookers you guys got to put on the nice face still right? Good morning. Yeah that's real difficult when you go into to make their bed and it looks like a murder snuff film because like there's like handprints and sheets are off the bed and what I hope is lotion on the glass door but I don't know and you're just like on your walkie-talkie we're gonna need a stick at least six foot long and a lot of gloves.

Yeah it gets gross. It gets gross. Yeah because I've heard that sorry the toilets are gnarly too right. I'm sure you've seen. Well you can't really put much down but then when they get drunk they forget that so that's not a good day for the engineers but um yeah and also they drink so much and I think when you're on a yacht in international waters you're like there are no laws here let's get crazy. Nobody can see me we're in the middle of the ocean so they just it's the worst behavior.

Yeah yeah I gotta do this. Yeah we gotta do this man. Yeah come on it's only 200 grand for a week. No no no that's the minimum. That's the minimum. We haven't paid for our food yet, our provisions, our tip, fuel, none of that yet. So fuck. I'll ask captain Lee if we can work something out.

Yeah yeah yeah I'm out. Yeah please. Oh my gosh. Yeah just ask him for like an 80% break on it. I'll see what I can do. Okay thank you. Thank you. It's a banana so what are you doing now?

So you got Bravo, you got your book out working, people get your book. It's on Amazon and it's called Lucky Charming and I recorded the audiobook which quite frankly I love an audiobook. You can like listen to it while you're cleaning, drinking wine. Yeah. Drinking wine and then not so much cleaning. And where do people get that one? That's going to be available on Amazon as well.

I've recorded it and I just haven't published it yet. Very exciting. Yeah but the show's so good this season. It's my favorite season of Below Deck. It's the biggest boat, the best location, the best crew. They're crazy and experience and it's Tuesdays at nine on Bravo. Guys get on it, do what we do. I mean you can obviously go Tuesdays at Bravo.

We just buy the season pass. We buy the show so that we don't have to watch commercials. That is commitment. I appreciate it. Yeah. We buy the season pass immediately. Or yeah, or you can go on the Bravo app. I'm sure you can stream it there too.

But this has been an absolute thrill for us. Oh my gosh. Me too. Thank you so much. Oh. So excited. Can't wait to watch more Below Deck. I hope you guys keep making 50 more seasons of it.

And thank you again for coming. Thank you for having me. Yeah. That was so good. Wow. Dangerous. Black and you know I beat it. Don't wanna shoot me.

Don't wanna shoot me. Don't wanna shoot me. I beat it. Don't wanna shoot me. Don't wanna shoot me. Don't wanna shoot me. I'll piss her a** off. Drink wild.

I spit around her snakes. Pissed the day in her lines. I sleep out in her milk tree. When the moon is full. I don't mind for a while. I'm not too fast. Hey. I'm just a little assistant.

All right. You know me. Cause the sun keeps fire. They like me as black pieces. Records. Foxes and cheats. Sad. Wild.

Dangerous. For you. Life's a story. Pain times a story. I love to taste that cuisine. Drink the nectar in secret. At all. All the nations.

I wrestle about. The soul of my mind.