Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 476-Fahim Anwar-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: November 28, 2018

Darts? Farts? Why not both? Such a special thing to bring two beautiful things together.  We have some really fun guessing games for you today in our Drugs or Mental Illness segment AND this Horrible or Hilarious is sure to make you HOWL! The "Julia" submissions keep making us laugh and you give us some great advice on Tom's scrum problem (Christina's mouth problem).  AND the great Fahim Anwar sits with us to discuss his new sketch special GOAT FACE, which can be seen on Comedy Central as this audio drops! Go get it!

Okay, we just restarted everything. Todd, Christine, your mom's house. Tom Cash. Tom Cash. Tom Cash. Tom Cash. That was really low, that's why. Tom Cash. Yes.

Tom, what's your pronoun today? I feel kind of zimmy, I guess. Zim-zir. Yeah. Zay. No, not Zay. I'm feeling traditional, hers, she. Oh, that's rare.

Yeah. I didn't get that a lot, it's very rare. I don't know, it depends on how this episode goes, I could fluctuate. You could. Where are you going to be? You had a great weekend in Man Diego. I did, so many mommies came out, so thank you for everybody who went to the house of Bruce on Saturday night, super fun. So moving along, fill her up, Delphia, I added a second show at the 9.45 show, there's

some tickets left on that one. Fill her up, Delphia, get your show, your tickets to that one. And then December 8th, Gramercy Theater sold out, late show, we're gone, it's all gone, almost I think. There's like 20 tickets left on the late show. And then January 10th, here in Hollywood at the Comedy Store, I'm doing the main room. January 31st through 2nd of February, Denver, Colorado at the Comedy Works, February 28th through March 2nd, Madison, Wisconsin at the Comedy Club on State, then in April I'm doing

mini-Apple tits at Acme, and then May 10th and 11th, Tempe, Arizona, Tempe, a lot of people ask me about Arizona, I'm doing Tempe at the Improv, and then June 20th through 22nd, Washington, Dick Come, January, it's June, sorry June, I'm sorry. Washington, Dick Come, it's pretty... Christina P. online. All right, that's great. I can finally tell you this, people have asked me, and I believe me, I've been the one trying to find out the most.

The Wellmont show, the Wellmont Theater show in Montclair, New Jersey that I had to postpone due to a sudden snowstorm, has been rescheduled. The new date is Wednesday, February 13th, so it's official, I like that, I'm on Facebook now, and we are going to do that show Wednesday, February 13th, anybody who had tickets to the show that was postponed, the tickets will be honored at this show, if you are not able to attend the February 13th show, or no longer wish to attend the show, you can get a full refund at your point of purchase. So there's that, that means that they'll probably become a few tickets available, since some

people won't be able to go to the new date, it's now February 13th. Manfred and Disco, I should tell you that the show that was added January 4th is getting closed, we're not going to add a third. So if you wanted to come, the San Francisco show at the Masonic, January 4th, this would be the time to get it. And the one other thing I can tell you besides telling you that all the new N 2019 shows are at TomSugar.com, is we added a show in Nashville at the Ryman Auditorium, the first show February, excuse me, April 14th sold out, there's a few single tickets left, but it's essentially

a sell out. So we added a late show, April 14th in Nashville, Tennessee at the Ryman, I'm very excited to go there, thanks for getting those tickets and thanks for wearing your jeans so high and tight. Gene, let's get into it, we've got a big show, lots to do, lots to talk about, ready? I'm ready. Maybe put your phone down, it's time to go to work, we don't have time to like just text. All right, no, you're not ready?

I'm ready, I'm listening to you. Okay, but I mean, you know, here we go, if you want to do it. You spoke to Wesley, and besides that he said you were a class player and you let him alive in the first session, he said that it was smelly on the stage. I thought he had shit. Sorry? I thought, where's that farted little stage? Did he?

This is big time! Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Go burn in the fucking stands! Welcome, welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura, Tom Segura, and Christina Pajitse. Christina Pajitse? Welcome to your mom's house. This looks professional.

Darts. Oh, is this what that is? Yeah. It's pretty funny. He said, it looked like he farted and shit on himself. And like, I think darts are the only sport where they like, like, let's keep talking about it. Yeah.

What'd you think? What'd you say? And he's like, yeah, yeah, he did fart on stage. Yeah. Well, darts are crazy because they put them in pubs, which is probably the worst place you could throw around sharp objects is when people are drinking. Oh, I know. And drinking heavily.

It's craziness. You can really not give a fuck about your overall fit. I mean, look at this. This guy's probably one of the best in the world at this. Sure. He's like, hot shit. Same with baseball players, though they don't look good either. That's true.

Baseball, you can really let yourself go, especially if you're a pitcher or a first baseman. You can really let yourself go. But they do have to run in baseball. Yeah, at times. There's certain, there's funny that there's certain positions where you kind of don't have to, you know, like, if you're a pitcher, you're never going to run, you're a catcher, you don't have to run really.

No. First baseman, you're never running during the game. I mean, during, when you're on defense, maybe if you are batting, obviously, is to run around the bases, but there's guys that just, yeah, they're just huge and out of shape and they're good at baseball. Yes. It's kind of, but this, you can, this is, you can be far less athlete and be world class. And look like this.

Yeah. I mean, this is a post tournament, no, this guy's not, you know, horrible, but I'm saying you wouldn't see this guy and go, probably world class athlete of some kind. No. No. And besides that, he said you were a class player and you let him alive in the first session. He said that it was smelly on the stage.

I thought he had shit. Sorry? I thought, where's the fact of the stage today? Today. Today. Who the fuck is watching darts? Man. That's what you really got to ask.

I mean, it is one of those things where if you've ever, everyone's usually had at least a go at throwing darts. I've done it, I've done it 10 times. Sure. I think I was obsessed with it. And then when you, you know, when you throw a good one, you're like, whoa, but you feel like it's by chance. Yeah.

And then everyone usually has a friend that is actually kind of proficient. You go, wow, like you can actually hit where you're aiming. Sure. That's very wild. But then these guys really are just unbelievable at it. Are they, are they, are they just drunks? Like these guys hanging out. Well, why can't you be both?

Yeah. That's a good point. That's really the benefit of being a professional dart player is that you can be an alcoholic and a professional athlete at the same time. I want to see if he keeps talking about shitting cause I think he might. Yeah. No. Well, I think he thinks you did it.

You can put your finger up last so we don't smell there. I thought he had shit and I went, ah, it's dirty. It was bad. It was bad. It was bad. I don't think I thought it was him. This is a pro level interview. Sure.

He said, you can put your finger up my ass. There's no smell there. Yeah. I love it. Don't you wish all sports, if, if football players were saying this kind of stuff, I'd watch football. I've talked about this for years. I talked about how I would pay so much money, so much money really if they were like, we're

gonna, you can pay to hear the on field mic on during the whole game. Right. Like a pay-per-view extra. Yeah. I would pay for that too. Cause that would be, that's all the game. How much is it? How does it tell me the amount?

Yeah, dude. So I would just give it a try immediately. Seriously? Fucking bitch. Like to hear all that trash talk. Yeah. I don't know. But they have to protect their wholesome image.

Which is horseshit. Oh, it's the NFL. Oh, I know. It's the violent fucking game we have. A bunch of slap dicks. Oh, that's why I liked Rex Ryan so much because he was always talking some shit. And there's so many big words. There's a lot of big words.

Between the players. Yeah. Of course. Really. What's the big word? Well, I'll just let you guess, but this here, this is. Well, I think he thinks you did it. You can put your finger up last.

There'll be no smell there. I thought he had shit and I went, that's dirty. It was bad. It was bad. It was bad. It was a stink. I thought it was him. And he started putting better.

I bet it must have needed to get some wind out. What? What was the last part? Must have been. Something in a window? Open the window? Is that what he said? He went away to.

It was bad. It was a stink. I thought it was him. And he started putting better. I bet it must have needed to get some wind out. He said, oh, he started playing better. He must have needed to get some wind out. I like that the interviewer feels the need to discuss the fart.

Clarify things. Wait, because he's saying you farted. He's like, put your finger up my ass. There's no smell there. Yeah. He's playing better. He needed to get some. And look how happy he is.

He loves it. He's like, yeah, he farted and he started playing better. Well, see, that's the thing about life and then the representation of life on television. Like, why can't we just discuss the guy that the guy farted? It's not a big deal. It's a fart. You're right. But the NFL and then they're like, well, we can't.

We have a whole summit. Well, it's this whole delusion. Stupid. Because you know, people at home are farting. Everyone's farting. Everyone at home has been like, when they watch like football games here, they're going like, oh, I'd love to hear what that guy just said right there. Of course.

And they're sitting there guessing. They're probably saying like, oh, you probably told them to suck his fucking dick. That's what they're saying at home. I know. But you're like, no, no, no, no, no. We can't sell Buick ads if we do that. No. Well, it's because there's a level of human out there that's in denial about real life

too. Like they don't want to know that farts exist and things of that nature. Which is bizarre to me. And he thought it was you. I don't know. Hands up. Swear on my kid's life. It helped me God.

Nothing crossed. It was smelly anyway. It was smelly. Can you feel the fat farts? I just shit myself. And you know that because I've told you in a documentary, ain't scared to. I've had farts that smelled like that. I put my hands up and go, oh, sorry.

You know what's great is that they're still discussing the fart. Yeah. And he's still going on. I'm not ashamed to admit that I do that. I would have said I farted there. Sure. But let's see. Sorry.

And he thought it was you. I know. Hands up. Swear on my kid's life. It's to help me God. Nothing crossed. But it was smelly anyway. It was smelly.

Usually the fat farts instead of just shit myself. And you know that because I've told you in a documentary ain't scared to. I've had farts that smelled like that. I put my hands up and go, oh, sorry. This guy's great. Yeah. I think I've followed him. This just became my new favorite professional story.

Me too. We got to follow darts. So what was it then? It was magic darts. Well, don't tell me. You've got enough three boys up there. So. It was the other guys.

It was eggs, rotten eggs. Not for me. No. No. Okay. Thank you. And every time we walked past it was a waft of rotten eggs. So that's why I was thinking of some.

We're still discussing the fart. He's so sincere. I figured this is what this would be like Joey Diaz would be like if he was like professional. Yeah. You know, at any of this, he would be going interviews about like, do you smell that shit during the match? That wasn't me, dog. I would have told you a fucking fart.

Yeah. He would totally be like that. Unreal man. Yeah. I feel like it has to do with darts, the world of darts, and also that they have a better, they're more comfortable with talking about, you know, they're not so serious over there. Yeah. I mean, oddly enough, because the high society is very serious.

Well, they're not high. Listen, if you're specializing in darts, you're hanging out in bars, but that's pub culture. That's why these guys hang out in bars, get hammered and throw, throw needles around. Yeah. Yeah. I will smell it. Yeah. I'm watching shuffleboard though.

It's got to be so goddamn boring. Yeah. Is shuffleboard professional? They're probably, there's probably a pro level of everything. Well, the, But the dark guys will actually, I mean, they're not playing for like, you know, NBA, NFL money, but they'll actually make money in these tournaments, you know. I'm sure.

The only thing more boring is that curling that the Canadians do. I mean, what the fuck is that even about? That's an Olympic event. You can be an Olympian. So boring. Sure, sure, sure. Are we watching the hockey puck going? I know.

It's horrible. That is so fucking boring. It's sweeping, right? It's how fast you can sweep. Well, you, you, they shut, you know, somebody pushes it and then the people sweep the ice right in front of it, but then you also want it to stop in a certain place, you know. Yeah. You want to knock that next motherfuckers out, I think too.

Oh, okay. So it's like shuffleboard. I guess. On ice. The bigger. It was, it was eggs, rotten eggs. Yeah. Farts.

I had so many last night. Well, we're just coming out of Thanksgiving week. Yeah. Lots of farts all week. It's probably the fartiest week in America for sure. Imagine all the farts and shit that happened. I know. And then this morning I made brown and I had to do a shit to shower.

Cause normally I rely on the toto to clean up the remnants, but there was so much of a smear on the toilet paper. God. It was like a Hershey kiss was melted in there. And I, I just knew that I needed soap and water. I did. I was telling you that, yeah, but I still get the leaky butt. It's like a never ending wipe.

What do you think caused it? Mediterranean. Yeah. Mediterranean. And then we had sausage last night. Like the, I'm sorry. The salams. Oh, right.

So processed meats on top of Mediterranean. I did a late night TJ run. Not late night, but late for eight o'clock. Yeah. No, it was like stepping back in time for some reason. I didn't even know there was one nearby. They do a bad job of like the sign is not even there. You were very upset with their lack of proper signage.

I'm serious. It's like, it's tucked away. I know. Even if you put the, put the navigation on, it tells you to go off a side street to go into there. I mean, it's just, it's weird. But anyway, that used to be our spot. When we lived in silver, like many years ago, we had a TJ on our street, like a block.

We could walk to it. And that was, we lived at Trader Joe. And then Trader Joe. Trader Joe. And then there was the say cheese next door. Yeah. On Hyperion. Yeah.

And that was great too. Cheese store. Spent a lot of, spent money. We did not have it. Cheese store. But it felt like, you know, seeing the old treats there, I was like, oh, this is like a flashback. Trader Joe has, and especially I like the seasonal items too, they got that gingerbread house

you can make now. My favorite are these, those Italian squares, the chocolate wafer squares. Chocolate squares. Yes. They did not have those last night. Not here. No. The guy was like, I don't even know what you're talking about.

I'm like, do you not fucking work at Trader Joe? Yeah. I couldn't believe it. Stupid. And then I liked their Prejutes, the German Prejuto. A Gouda. We got to get your Gouda wheel. I got to tell you.

Huge fan of that Gouda. Really good prices, buddy. Really good prices. Yeah. It was at Eddie Pepitone who was like, you get like five bags of stuff for $100. Yeah. It's true though. So true.

It is true. It's the best. I asked for a wine recommendation and the guy like knows his stuff and he's telling, you know, regions and this and that and he goes, this is a really good bottle. It's got these notes and, you know, I was like, okay, I go, you know, I'm not that particular, but he's like, oh, you know, when my cousin got married, we actually brought a case of these and it was, it's amazing. It's great wine.

It's all right. It's like seven bucks. It's crazy. You know what I really like there are the freeze dried strawberries. Have you ever gotten a pouch full of those frozen, frozen dried strawberries? I have not. I have not. The thing is, they're just strawberries, but they're prepared like astronaut food.

So they're crunchy. It's just fun. It's like a silly way to eat your, your groceries. It was a good time. Now I also like their dried apricots and, and you know, those give me intense farts. Yeah. Intense farts. They do.

I always like to leave when I know you're going to have dried apricots or I encourage you to eat them when I'm out of town. Yeah. And those will make me shit. Oh yeah. They will make you shit. What makes you shit? Oh, so many things.

Fried foods make me shit bad. That's true. That's diarrhea. That's not really a farter. It's like just in, it's straight to seven. That's what I call it. Take a bite. Oh, this is a straight to seven.

Wow. Yeah. That's just anything fried is what you're saying. It's just really. Yeah. I'm messy. Yeah. It's bad.

Do you ever go to, do you ever shower after you dump like me or do you just let the bidet? There's days. Yeah. I mean like, I like, I like to see if I can handle everything with the bidet. I'll do two bidet full washes, you know. Two. Yeah. But if I'm doing, if it's a leaky, I'm like, what's going on?

Leaky bud. And then I wipe again and it's, it's still a smear. I'm like, I gotta take a shower. It bothers me. How come though? And I mean, I'm being serious. It's a very serious scientific question. How come when you have like a mushy wipe?

Okay. Yeah. And then. But how come when I wash it out with soap and water, it stops the leaky bud. But let's just say I just do a washlet, but I do a thorough wash. It's, it's not the same. Why does it so? It doesn't make sense.

It doesn't make sense. I agree. It doesn't make sense. I'm being sincere. I'm being sincere. Can somebody in the medical community tell me why the soap and the wash does a more thorough job? It stops the leaky bud right in its tracks.

It's a great question. I'm serious. It's a great question. There are doctors that listen unbelievable to this nonsense. So they can, the question she's asking is how come, you know what I think it might have something to do with though? Standing up for a while. Oh, okay.

There's a theory. You know, like, okay. Like my dad used to tell me he's like, sometimes you need to stand up, let everything fall back into place. Yeah, he's right. Cause when you sit down, everything kind of gates and opens. That's a really good point. So it's not, you're telling, wait a minute, you're telling me it's not the soap and the

water and the wash that's doing it, but that rather I'm standing in my muscles are kind of going back and I'm, I'm interesting. It's all going back. Wow. Now, speaking of butt topics, we had a guest over at our home, who's a physician's assistant. And we were getting to hear some cool stories about working in an ER as a physician's assistant. And this person was telling us that they saw a lot of things in people's butts. A lot that it's, it never stops.

Isn't that funny? A plastic cup. A plastic cup. A cup. How do you even get a cup in your butt? And this, I mean, in this case, this guy just happened to stumble right onto it, but sometimes people put them in there. Do you know how stupid I was when, cause she made that joke, she was like, oh, he just

fell out of the hot. And I was like, really? That can happen. Like I totally didn't. You're being sincere. Yeah. Wow. But that's like a cup.

Why would you put a cup in your butt? Like a red one. I like the color. It makes a difference. No, no. It's like a type of cup. I know. I don't know.

Maybe you just got to, it's probably just what's around. You're like, I want something in my ass. And you finish it. You're like, well, I'm not using this anymore when you put that in your ass. I want a recycle. I don't want to throw it in. One of your favorite segments here, drugs or mental illness. Yeah.

Here we go. Okie doke. Are you fucking nuts? He's a shit. I don't care. Who put me on shit? Who put me on shit? Who put me on fucky talk?

Who put me on shit? Who put me on shit? Who put me on shit? Who put me on shit? Who put me on shit? Ah, that was pretty. I don't care. Who put me on world star?

I'm already famous at world star. I got you, I got you. Who put me on world star? No bitch wants to fucking fuck with a bitch and scoop macaroni and cheese and get macro attention. Tell the camera what he's doing. Tell the camera what he did. Ain't no bitch hotter than me and no bitch more paid than me!

Fuck all you fuckin' bitches! Dear poor. Fuck all you bitches. Ain't nobody got $10,000 or tips like me! $10,000 I love my day, bitch! Oh my god, he left me! He's going on. But what's your theory?

Whoa, is she running into the street? I got it! Oh my god. Running into the street. I got it! This guy's so happy he's got a video. Well, look, apparently that's a porn star. Oh, is that right?

That's what it says here. What do you think? Drugs are mental illness. She's a porn star and a rapper. Oh, there's another clip of her hitting her boyfriend. And then, Jesus. God. Well, I tell you what, the time of day, it's broad daylight.

Well, I don't think that matters. I guess people do drugs all day long. Yeah, she's really heated, though. That's not a normal. It's in the eyes. And those eyes tell you. Crazy. I'm going to go mental illness on this one.

Yeah. Yeah, I think less drugs, more rage, more emotion. Yeah. I'm going to go mental illness coupled with drugs, maybe. You're saying both. Yeah, a little bit of both. A little bit of everything. The thing is, they're usually not far apart.

They usually like to hang out together. So, could be. Bitch, I'm hiding flies. Bitch, I'm hiding flies. Bitch, I'm hiding flies. Bitch, I'm hiding flies. This is her video. I'm wet, I'm wild, I'm wet, I'm wild, I'm wet.

Can I tell you something? I was thinking right here. Safety, safety issue. Yeah, right. Good point. She's wearing stilettos standing on a drain cover. Yeah, so smart. And there's just, there's holes in it.

And I'm really worried about safety. Yeah, I wouldn't do that. I'm seeing maybe a tib-fib fracture happening. Tib-fib. Yep, tib-fib could just go like that if she takes a wrong step. I mean, look. Why would she do that? Look at this one.

This one's, it's right there on the edge. It's right there, I know. I'm nervous about it. I'm sitting here like, you're gonna get hurt. It's a nail biter. It's really not good to stand like that. No. But this is her video.

She might need to pair up with Nick Hawk. Matt, may I tell you what's offensive about this video already? Yeah. She goes, bitch, I'm hiding flies. But let me tell you something about hiding flies. Yeah. That bitch is a fucking genius. Well, that's why she's saying it.

Yeah, but she ain't no hiding flies. But I mean. She's just a hoe. Heidi was the hoe, she was the pimp, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's a smart lady. Oh, manager. Yeah.

No. This bitch can't even say her name. I'm wild, I'm wet, I'm wild, I'm wet, I'm wild, I'm wild, I'm wild. Hollywood madam bitch, hose on the strip. Yes, politics, politician shit. Hollywood madam bitch. Make it gushy, then kill the pussy. I don't like mushy, so please don't push me.

I think one of the things she should invest in is maybe some other mics, because some of these. 00:24:36,900 --> 00:24:38,420 It's not the highest quality audio. You know, she's helped. Production values. Production's low.

00:24:42,100 --> 00:24:44,300 But then again, it might be her first song you never know. You gotta start somewhere. At an LA, first million four months, a hundred racks a night, count this money up. Try not to stress me, never mess with me. I know you wanna sex me, but are you really ready? I think too. I'm not again. Big fan.

I gotta say I'm a big fan. I'm not. I'm not good at rapping. Yeah. But even I know that her tempo is not right. Like she's not keeping up with the. Oh, you're saying? You're saying just like the pacing.

Yeah. The pacing's off and she's like, you want to get money. You want to get money. It's off, right? You know, but it's also, I mean, you remember your first set, you know what I mean? You gotta get, you gotta work at it. But I think I don't want to discourage anyone. I don't want to discourage anybody's art, but I think she needs a little help with

the tempo. Okay. I'm the shit. Yeah. She's the shit though. You know what I mean? But I'm the shit. You have to have some kind of native timing.

Yeah. Native sense of timing, right? Like. Yeah. It's intuitive. Ain't nobody got 10,000 artists like me. Actually, a lot of people have 10,000 artists, right? Let's see if she's really.

Is $10,000 seem low to you for a pair of boobs? I mean, that seems really cheap to me for tits. Yeah. I don't know. Let's see. I'm looking up her, her porno category. Oh, okay. What kind of stuff does she do?

All right. Here's some descriptions. What do you wait? Let me guess first. I'm going to go. She's like, she's does the interracial lot of black guy stuff like black. I'm going to go for just, just judging by her demeanor, what I've seen. I'm going to go for interracial gang bang, like the five black guys on her kind of thing.

Jesus. All right. Well, here's some descriptions. Okay. It's just the scene description. Go ahead. All right. Bella Reese riding a cock while her girlfriend watches.

Busty Bella Reese plump pussy slam from behind. Okay. Sounds pretty vanilla. Hot Bella Reese gets pounded by her ebony lover. Okay. Bella Reese gets her big ass ready for an ass fuck. So she does anal. She's kind of all over the place.

I don't see her specializing in it. Well, there's a lot of these are actually anal. Oh, okay. Bella Reese gets her tight ass hole assaulted. Okay. Bella Reese begging for a dick pounding up her ass. Oh, okay. So it seems like maybe she's, she uses her butt hole a lot.

She's anal girl. Yeah. Okay. Looks like. Okay. I wouldn't have guessed that. I wouldn't have guessed that. Oh, it looks like she fucked her trainer at the gym.

I didn't know that. Hmm. Says here. Oh, but Italian Bay Bella Reese takes on a black monster cock. Yeah. She likes black eyes. Well, her boyfriend is. Sure.

Those are boyfriend in the video. Sure. And then it just says Bella Reese with a dude camping and she fucks his big cock. What else? It's funny that they would let you know that that's what she does. She fucks the big cock. Yeah. Right.

Well, there you go. Wow. Oh, good for her. Yeah. She looks like she does. Um, she definitely does it for real. However, I would say that if I were, um, an adult entertainer that I would try to make songs too.

I feel like it's a good marketing tool. Like if she was decent at it. Man, if you're good at it, it could be a real little thing. Yeah. Dope. That would be if she was a porn star that could rap. That would be kind of. Imagine if like you're, if you actually started selling album stuff, here's the thing, but

you didn't quit porn. See all the time. Whenever, whenever the other stuff takes off for the porn person, they're like, oh, I'm stopping porn. Right. What if you kept doing porn? That's what I mean. That'd be hardcore.

That would be rad. That'd be some G shit right there. Yeah. Yeah. You'd sell so many more of everything. I want to get to this before we have to take our break. We have a guest coming in a little while, but it was so popular this past week. Sure.

I mean, it was just out of control. There are more good morning Julius. I can't get enough. Can I tell you that I can't get enough and I watched it when I was away over the weekend even. So funny. I can't stop. I can't stop watching Joe.

God. Good morning, Julia. I even rewatched our submissions from last week. That's what I'm saying. The guy with the fans. The guy with the fans was a fucking amazing. I have not seen any of these just heads up. I have not seen any of these blue band put these in a folder for me.

So I'm seeing these for the first time, just like you are. Good morning. Just like Christina is. Good morning, Julia. Here is Jacob. Here we go. Good morning, Julia. It's on a construction site.

Hey, baby. I just hope you have a beautiful day as beautiful as you are, Julia. I just want to say that 28 seconds talking to you the other day was the best day of my life, Julia. I just want to be with you and make you feel like a woman and make you forget about that x years and what it's about. I just know we're going to have a good time together and go full throttle, baby. This is where I work.

I put all the plumbing in here. The dirt. I did everything. I did the dirt. Julia. And that's the type of man you're dealing with with me, baby. I just, I hope to hear back from you soon, baby, have a great day, full throttle. You know what that guy really captured?

I'd like the fan work. I like the dirt. The movement. The eyes. All the eyes, yeah. No. His intense, relentless eye contact. Yeah.

Because you notice that Joe. Which is really a seductive, comforting thing for a woman to see, right? Like when a woman, when a man doesn't break or blink. It's relentless. It feels good. I think he, he captured the essence of Joe, this guy, because of the, the relentlessness of the eye contact. And by the way, the real Julia, we've been in contact.

We've been trying. She has a job that doesn't allow her to always match our schedule, but we continue to stay in contact and we're still fingers crossed for possibly next week. I can't believe she's not making your mom's house podcast her priority. I know. I know. She really should be. Fucking quit that job and take our call, Julia.

Here's faith. This is so important. Good morning, Julia. I just wanted to tell you that getting to spend my anniversary with you the other day was one of the greatest moments of my life. Anyway, I'll, I'll hop off of here, but have a good day, baby. Ciao. She spent her anniversary with Julia.

She did. Yeah. Yeah. And by the way, she got it. Female submission. I love it. And she nailed his accent and the creepiness of the look. Very, very nice.

Nailed it. Oh, there you go. Morning, Julia. More fans. It's me, Joe. That's it. So I let you know these fans go full throttle that he's got that, the accent down. Perfect.

Yes. Who is this? This is a Chris. Good morning, Julia. I'm so excited. I can hardly contain it. I don't know if you recognize this, but I'm in your closet. I was fixing your bed frame with some restraints and, uh, I heard you coming in through the

front door. I noticed you changed the locks back there. Terrifying. Kudos. There's a lot of stuff I could be fixing in your closet as well. No sleep. I can't wait to crawl into bed with you. Oh, my God.

So fucking full throttle when I get in that bed. Anyways, we'll see you in a second. Oh, shit. That was great. If you're listening, it ends with a ski mask being put on. Here's Dan. Hey, Julia. I see all this.

All this. I built all this myself. Every tree. Every limb. Every branch. Every flake. Every leaf. I built it all.

And I'll build it for you, Julia. It's the kiss now really makes me. Yeah. Makes my stomach turn. This is the weirdest. The kiss is so weird. What do you think Joe's doing? Do you think he's commit suicide yet?

All his horribleness. I don't want him to. No, neither do I. But I'm just saying he's got it. Where is Joe? Yeah. We gotta talk to him. Figure out his life.

So this is the type of guy you get. So let's make it happen. Let's make it happen. Oh, he's. Chow, baby. Chow, baby. Kisses like. No good.

And here's Darren. Good morning, Julia. I just wanted to show you my basement. I dug it completely with my bare hands. I dug it to the ground. I dug it all for you, Julia. I want you to see this because you'll be spending a lot of time down here, Julia. I love you.

You're my flower. You're my precious. You're my everything. Oh. You'll be going full throttle down here in the basement, Julia. You know what I like about this one? The suit. The suit.

I feel like this, this is a biggest departure from this dude's real personality. I think so. I was thinking that too. And that's what I really like about this. Yeah. Is that this guy, this is really stepping out for him. Dude, this could be like an attorney or somebody real. Yeah.

Yeah. Somebody's going to be like. Professional. Defending in court and you're doing good morning, Julia videos. Good morning, Julia. Good morning, Julia. My everything. And I have to say that Tom and I have started texting each other.

Good morning, Julia. And that's what we say to each other. Yeah. When the other one wakes up. It's good morning, Julia. It's pretty great. It's taken over the house. It's taken over our lives.

I got to get going. I got to go pick up Skeetal. Me and you. Me and you. He doesn't say his T's. Me and you. Yeah. I got that.

I actually have left over two liter of Diet Coke. I figured I'll try to do a remake of my two liter no burp chugging challenge video. Oh. Okay. No burp chugging. I didn't know that was a challenge. Diet Coke no burp challenge. Oh boy.

It's on number two. I hope we can do it. I'm so nervous for him on Tenderhooks. This guy's drinking a fucking two liter of Coke Zero. Oh my God. Without burping. No. He's almost done.

He's crazy. What is he doing? That's not good for you. Of course not. He's a crazy person. Oh my God. He's going to throw up. That's not real.

I don't know. I think it is. That's how our baby burps. He burps so big like this kid. I saved that for you. I was going to play that right at the break. Oh my God. Thanks.

You know you like that stuff. That's like booger. I like that. It's like a booger burp. Okay. We're back after multiple breaks. We are joined by our guests, comedian, improviser, actor. I want to make sure I get it right.

Right. Khalil Sheikh Mohammed. Yeah. No problem. Most people can't pronounce it as well as you do. Thank you so much. TSA does it pretty well. Khalil Sheikh Mohammed.

No. It's the great Faheem Anwar is here. And he has, before I don't want to get too far away from it. Well, tonight, if you're listening. Oh, it's coming out tomorrow? No, you're wrong. You're right. It comes out tonight in audio and tomorrow in video.

Okay. So let's just say Wednesday, right? Tuesday. Tuesday. Sorry. That's okay. Tuesday. And they'll replay it and everything.

But just so people know, it's a one-off sketch special. Yeah. One-off sketch comedy special called Goat Face. Goat Face. Yeah. It's with Hasan Minhaj from Daily Show. It was on Patriot Act Now. Me, Aristotle Theorist, and Osaf Ali.

We did YouTube sketch way back in the day. Wow. Sounds like a lot of anime on that one. It's a lot of anime. Yeah. It's a little darker than most of the programming I watch. Sure. I mean, I'm into it.

It's not too dark, though. No, that's right. Yeah. We're somewhere in between. Yeah, yeah. We're like a gateway. Yeah. Like, you look like you were, I don't know, in Hawaii for the week.

It works for me. Right. And I do tell people that. It's just much easier. Then explaining what's up. Then explaining my boy and my parents are born. Really? You're like, I was in Hawaii.

I'm in Hawaii. Yeah. Which island? The big one. The big one. He's from Afghanistan, just, you know, which I've never really met. Well, is he? Someone from there besides, his parents are.

My blood. My blood's from there, dude. Yeah. But he's from here. He's from Seattle. That's the Afghanistan of America. That's right. He's from our Afghanistan.

I don't, I don't know. You don't know? That's on all the bumper stickers. I'm trying, I'm trying to get where the actual Afghanistan of America is. It's definitely not Seattle. It's not. It's not. It's not.

I love Seattle. It's not. No. Let me ask you this. So when you were, I imagine that there's actually probably, I'm guessing a big Afghan, maybe a population of them. No, actually. No?

Yeah, no. Really? That's why I think I am the way I am. Just, there weren't a ton of Afghans. I mean, growing up, some, you know, other, when I would see other Afghans and stuff, like there's a bigger population in Orange County, I would say, Virginia, Fremont, California. Yeah, Virginia, definitely. It's the Bay Area.

Yeah, yeah. Those are kind of like. There's a very fascinating hotbeds of certain cultures in places you don't imagine in the United States. So I feel like one of them shows up somewhere and they're just like, Hey, everybody. It's true. Fremont's where it's at. Yeah.

I was always fascinated by the number of Eritreans and Ethiopians in Minneapolis, for instance. Right. Enormous population. Rare. They go to Minneapolis and DC. Why? I don't fucking know. I think there's just such a network there already.

Yeah. Yeah. It just makes it easier to kind of. They bring the family over. Like Cleveland, Hungarians, Pollocks. Yeah. My tribe, Chicago. Yes.

Hungarians, Pollocks, Bel-A, Hungarians. That's right. That's right. A lot of Ruskies out here, too. A lot of those Ruskies. Yeah. I think it's true. Like your family are like, come over here.

Come stay with us. Why did they pick Seattle? If there wasn't a big hotbed there. My dad was finishing up university. Uh-huh. That's like how a foreign says it. Foreign university. I was going to university.

University. Yeah. Or like, where's the discotheque club? Yeah, discotheque. Yeah. Totally. Just certain terms. Where did you do university?

Yeah. And then. Did he finish university here? Yeah. He studied here in America. Okay. I'm so bad at this. I should know.

Because it came twice. He came to North Dakota and Minnesota. I don't know which is which. Uh-huh. So he's finishing up his engineering degree. And then Boeing came by. Because they're trying to do recruitment. Uh-huh.

And they had a brochure of Seattle. Yeah. And so my mom and my dad are looking at this brochure. This is all they know about Seattle. They see the space needle and they're like, looks good. Yeah. Let's go. Yeah, they head out to Seattle.

Now, do you have the hat in your house that we were talking about earlier, the Afghan hat? Yeah. It's somewhere in a closet somewhere. Seriously though, right? Yeah. Because Hungarians, we always have a horse hair canteen. You hang that in the hallway. Uh-huh.

And then like a horn. You know, like a goat blowing horn. There's just certain like hallmarks. Yeah. What would it be if you were American in another country? Would it just be like an apple pie tin? An apple pie tin. A beer cozy.

Like a kid rock CD. Yeah. Totally. I don't know. What's an American thing? American. Oh, like that? What's your horse hair canteen?

Yeah. What would you like telegraph? Yeah. Yeah. Definitely. Yeah. You know what, like a lot of like foreigners, at least I have the South American foreign, you know, blood and family.

So I'll go down there a lot. They always thought James Dean, the look of a white t-shirt and jeans screamed American. It does. So sometimes, you know, now we always go like, oh God, I don't want to seem American anywhere. But in certain times, like if you were going to discotheque and to America, you would put that on and they would be like, then you were like exotic, right? So they were like white t-shirt, blue jeans. They're like, this is American.

Blue jeans, blue jeans. Screams American. I like sometimes, sometimes you'll catch like my parents or aunts and stuff. We'll watch like a Bollywood satellite channel. So you get to see like a little snips of Bollywood videos and you get to see like their version of what they think America is. Like the jeans and the sunglasses and the shirts. Totally.

Ed Hardy hit five years later than us or something. Totally. Yeah, totally. I always like seeing another country's version of what they think America is. It's always a little off. A lot of the world has to be Ed Hardy. A lot of it. Yeah.

It's probably like American. It's a beautiful American shirt. Yeah. Now you seem to assimilate to our culture world, which is why you're here. Did you have an immersion program? It was really hard to beat it out of me. Was it? Was it actually water boarded out of me?

Did you have a hardcore Afghan upbringing though or no? No. My parents are pretty chill. Obviously, culturally, I do have that background and baggage a little bit. It's tough when we were talking about it outside. When you're first generation, you kind of have the burden of trying to uphold the old traditions, but then you're also very American too. So you're kind of torn between the two.

But there wasn't this crazy pressure like, you know, pray five times a day and blah, blah, blah. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You're not Christian? Oh, fuck. Well, this was fun. God damn it. God, don't touch anything.

Sorry. So, but they were praying five times a day or no? No. My mom would pray every now and then and stuff, but they would instill, they would kind of, now that I'm an adult, I kind of realized it was just sort of like rocket fuel. Did they give their kids? Like, all right, I did my part. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, I can't say that I didn't. Right, right. Were you vlogging yourself and everything too? No, we were pretty well to do. We had somebody do that for us. You're like, you're a Boeing engineer, dude. Yeah. We were vlogging ourselves.

Come on. Did your dad pray? No. He didn't have a... No. My dad was even more moderate than... Wow. Right now, he's listening like, will you stop telling people that shit?

Yeah. Tell them I beat you. God. And I'll tell you, yeah, he threw keys at my head one time. He left the garage door open. Yeah. It felt like he just barged into my bedroom. Yeah.

And we live in like a really, really nice neighborhood. There's this woods, there's deer maybe that would break in at best, you know? And I left the door open on accident because it was garbage day. And then I just wake up to my dad being like, you left the door open. And then he tries to like hit me and then I dodged him. And I'm surprised that I dodged him and I went downstairs, but I guess he just threw his keys the last second I hit the back of my head. Did you cry?

Be honest. No, but I just like how he was good with that. Like once the keys hit my head, he wasn't angry anymore. He's just like, all right. Satisfied? It emotionally didn't fuck with you at all? What, the keys at the head? I was old enough to handle it.

Yeah. You know, but I mean him being that upset. It doesn't make sense. Just my dad. Yeah. That kind of anger is not rational to me, but that's just like immigrant anger. Yes. I remember my dad getting mad one time I fucking afterwards I was like, I was like 16, 17.

He was mad at me because I remember I borrowed his golf clubs. And I didn't really know how to golf, but I started it. I was like, I'm start, you know, doing it. And it was during like junior, senior year, high school or something. And then it was Saturday. So he went golfing and I didn't put one of his clubs back in his bag. He called me like so fucking upset. And I was like, and then he came back and got his, his club out of the bag that I had

put it in. And he was like, God damn it. And like, you're so upset. And I was like, and then he left. And I was like, I was like, I was really worked up about it. And then later on he was like, I'm sorry, I probably terrified you. I was like, yeah, it's fucking nine iron, man. Yeah.

It's not the pick of a deal. No, he was upset. I bought a wedge off Amazon. You know, that like multi life. Do you golf? No, but I just, I go to the range sometimes. Yeah. It's basically a batting cage for adults.

Like Mark Wahlberg does that. Really? Yeah. I see that on Instagram. He constantly. Oh yeah. He know, he puts it in his schedule. Yeah.

He has 30 minutes a day allocated for golf. Yeah. He loves it. And even when we did that, uh, when we shot the movie, he would, um, sometimes play rounds of golf. Like, would you have to wait? Like Mark's. One day.

Yes. Actually one day. Yeah. I was like, why aren't we shooting this thing? And they're like, Mark's playing golf. And I was like, oh, which by the way, I was like, makes sense to me. Um, he's a huge movie star. Right.

And then they're like, no, he's playing golf in another city. Oh my God. So we wait for his flight to come in and I was like, still makes sense. That's what I mean. You know, it's what he likes. Yeah. Yeah. And literally nobody complained.

It was like some. It is what it is. Yeah. They were just like some grip or something was like, yeah, he's flying background. I was like, oh, okay. Can we get back to dad anger? It's funny. I think my dad was angry a lot.

Now that I think back. It's hard to imagine your dad, but yeah. He's always mad at me for shit. You have, you'd know that she is foreign. Yeah. One time I backed up in the rain and I, there was a car parked long ways against the wall and I just fucking smashed it in this guy's car. I was 16 years old and I just fucked this car.

And he was, that was when he had the maddest at me. I think fucking up a car will really bring out dad rage. Yeah. So my older sister was in, by the time she was 18, double digit car accidents. Oh my God. And an accident, meaning even as simple as, you know, at a gas station, the island that the gas station sits on. Yeah.

The gas pump. Yeah. She hit that. She backed into light poles. She hit. She's just like ping pong. Everything. There's no spatial awareness and just simply put, not a good driver.

Right. You know, speeding tickets, running stops. Like everything you could fuck up, she fucked up. And one time, I'll never forget, they had a, in their, in their bedroom, they had basically the bed on this side of the room and this side of the room where the TV was sitting. The wall was also like custom cabinets. It was part of the wall. Right.

And my, my sister got a speeding ticket, called the house, told my mom and my dad was opening a drawer in that, like that wall built in as my mom told him. And he pulled the whole thing out of the wall, like he removed, like he was so upset that he was like, fuck and pulled this whole wall off. And she got a hundred, she was going a hundred and five and a fifty five. Oh my God. That's just reckless though. I've only gotten one ticket in my whole life.

Really? Yeah. It was in, it was in like, it was like the short drive to get to my parents house in the development. It's such a lamest ticket too. But I did a deferral. You know what that is. Wait, it was for going.

What were you doing? I was probably doing like 30 and a 25, but he made it sound like I was doing 40 or something. I got a seven over, a literal seven over ticket in South Carolina once. I had 20 over in Burbank. That's legit. But I had to do community service and shit like a, oh yeah. So I worked the library for, I'm sorry, where? The library.

Thank you. The library. Sorry. There's no R? Library. No. Library. Yeah.

Oh, sorry. Yeah, yeah. You're welcome. We're native speakers here. Sorry. Oh yeah. Yeah. So library.

I've been saying it wrong my whole life. I've been here. Why don't you help them out? Oh, shit. Let me try to think right now. Salmon, right? Yes. Hard L.

Hard L. Salmon. Expecialy. Like if something's expecial. Right. Expresso. You order an Expresso. Expresso.

Right. Yeah. You want a double Expresso? Right. Oh. If you're expecialy tired, you should get one. Similar. Yes.

Or something similar to something else. But you got to be real Pacific. Like when you say it, you got to be really Pacific so that you don't confuse people. Okay. What else? I don't know. Everything can kind of be a blessing in the skies when you really think about it. That's a big one.

Blessing in the sky. Yeah. You know. That's a t-shirt, guys. It's in this shirt. So there's all these things you're obviously learning while you're here. Yes. Don't forget goat face.

Yeah. Goat face. Tomorrow, here's a clip. Oh. Comedy Central. You know that was great because in my mind I'm like, oh, he has a clip. Right. I actually fell for it.

Who gave him the clip or like, oh man, they're so studious. They went and they dug it up somehow. You know that absolutely everybody has fallen for it. Yeah. Why would you not? I know. I know. I know.

It's pretty great. I fall for it too. Every time. I fall. Well, I have legit gotten clips on certain things. So, you know, we'll talk to the publicist and they give us a clip. But it's more fun for the person to be like, oh, here's the shirt. But what if we have a sketch like that?

And I'm just sort of like, yeah. That's important. It's actually one of my favorites. We worked really hard on this. We worked really hard on the vomit sketch. Now, why is it called goat face? I don't know. I think when we were brainstorming with what to call the group, we were just kind of free

associating. And then somebody said goat. What if it's just like a goat's face? And then the pun came up like goat face killers. And that made us laugh a little bit. And then goat face killers. I thought it's because there's always like goat jokes about that. Oh, they're all goat fuckers?

I guess there might be. Might be. Yeah. I don't know. Well, that's not what we were thinking about, but it was pretty much the pun. And then killers got lopped off. And we just stuck with goat face. I'm going to call it goat fuckers instead.

I think that would be a real crowd draw. Don't you think? Oh, yeah. I watch a show called goat fuckers. Yeah. What about goat fucker yourself? I like that. Goat fucker your face.

Did you guys, you got you and everybody in this shot sketches for years? No. Well, so what happened was like, I mean, the genesis of it was I started doing stand-up in Seattle. So I was doing it for four years out there while I was getting my degree. I was doing mechanical engineering at UW. God, mechanical engineering. Yeah, mechanical.

The thing is my parents, like I wanted to do theater and shit and like all this because I knew I wanted to do this type of stuff. And when you're young, you're like, oh, okay, I need a theater degree. You're just dumb as shit. You know what I mean? Yeah. You go, okay, I need a theater degree to do that. And luckily my dad is like, if I'm paying for college, I'm not, I'm not going to pay for

a theater degree. Smart. And then I go, so I kept on getting more and more water down. I was like, okay, what about an English degree? And he's like, no, I'm not going to pay for that. This one, by the way, real, like dad shit too is like. Yeah. Oh, especially immigrant dad too.

Yeah. Because like, like all the time here in America that you're like, follow your heart, Dylan, whatever you want to do, find yourself. If that's what you want to do, philosophy. That was my degree. Yeah. I'm going to talk my parents into it because they're like, what is philosophy? This is not degree.

And I was like, I'm going to go to law school with it. And that's what I lied to them. I was like, I'm just going to go to law school. It's the only way to get into law school. My parents were thrilled I could put together a sentence. They were just like, you can get any degree movie. He's the Dylan. Yeah.

Just follow your heart, Dylan. So then I was like, what about, what about film? And they're like, no. No way. No way. So engineering. Yeah, of course. Engineering was the basement pretty much.

And I just knew I wanted it. And your dad was not fucking around with this for sure. He wasn't fucking around. Like I was supposed to be a doctor. I was supposed to be a doctor or like a dentist or a lawyer. So I was slumming it even with engineering, but he would pony up for engineering. And then I was like, what type of engineering should I do? And my best friend across the street was doing mechanical.

So I was like, I'll do mechanical. I'll get to hang out with my friend more around the university. So I chose mechanical. I just wanted to be out in four years. I didn't want to find myself because I knew I was trying to do this. You really knew. You knew then. Yeah.

There's always a means to an end. So I was like, let me just, you know, just suck it up, get the degree, get a job. And then I could support myself. I could just apply for jobs in SoCal. And then I can live out here and just do comedy at night and all that. And so that's how I got out here. And then, but it was tough when you move. Do you stand up out here or where did you come from?

I started here. You started in LA? Yeah. That was boggled my mind to start in LA. Only because I didn't know any better though. You know what I mean? Okay. I didn't come in here like, I got to do this.

Yeah. Early on in your comedy career, how like ignorance is bliss. I tell people all the time, they're like, that's what I should do. I'm like, no, don't do that. I mean, you can. Like having perspective. Yeah. It's crazy to think like I would drive up from Long Beach almost every night after work

and to do like mikes in the valley and shit. You know what I mean? I feel like, how long are we doing? I mean, like I've known, I've seen you shows for, it's got to be over a decade. Yeah. Yeah. So then when you moved to, from a smaller market, because I was doing well in Seattle, when you get up and you're kind of somebody in that sort of market scene, but eventually

you got to leave. And when you go to a saturated place like New York or LA, you're nobody again, except you know how to write a joke. You just have like four years of experience under your belt, but you're still not getting up. So it was tough. I was creatively backlog. I'm not getting on stages really.

It's just really hard to get up. So then I started making some sketches just as a way to do that or just kind of as an outlet. And so I had this YouTube channel called SlesDoc2000 and I would just put videos up on there while I was doing stand up around town. And then my buddy, Aristotle, who went to USC film school and he has like a real, he's a talented director and comedian as well. We became friends and he liked the videos I was doing. We teamed up, some of them went viral.

And then we decided to add Hassan and Asif because it's more of an angle because me and him, it's not really a statement. I'm Afghan. He's half Greek, half Iranian. It's not really a thing, but we were like, if we add Asif and Hassan, that's kind of like four brown dudes who do just like regular, just dope sketch, it's not about auntie and uncle shit all the time. Yeah.

We have very American sensibilities. Right. We all grew up here. You know, I grew up on SNL. Cohen in. Isn't that interesting though that like, uh, I think that's a more, uh, it's more indicative or like a reflection of the time now that 15 or 20 years ago for sure you guys would all be like, I talk like this.

Yeah. Like every sketch would be like, yeah. And now it's like, you're like, oh, I don't, yeah, I've always found just in terms of comedy. But I like that stuff. No, I'm not. It has its place. It has its place.

And sometimes it's really funny. I mean, I remember that like someone told me like, uh, I mean, it was a few hours and they're like, you've never mentioned that your mom's from Peru and I'm like, yeah, I mean, more power in that though. I just never, it never occurred to me to sure it wasn't like, but also like I grew up like pretty immersed obviously in American culture. And so it would be, yeah, it would be disingenuous to you if you were to doing that. Sure.

That's a part of you. But if you're playing up that angle, yeah, you would feel weird doing it. Sure. And I, like, I figured out a way to talk about it in a way that feels authentic to me. And I've always been that way as well too, where I'm, my sensibilities are very American, but I do have that gear. It's always funny. First, Brown, second, like that's, yeah, that's the second part of my identity.

Do you find American and comedy number one brown and foreign people, uh, being disappointed sometimes? Yeah. Cause on the, on the, on the, here's what's kind of annoying. Like, um, I think when save my background, say I'm Afghan and sometimes I get these messages back in the day and sometimes still now they're like, yo, come to my university, my MSA, like it's a Muslim student organization, come do our event. And I know that if I did that event, they would not like what I do.

Right. They have an idea of what I do, or they just see a skin and comedy and they add this equation. And I just know if I were to do that event, I would, they would regret it. I agree. And then I do comedy or I would have to bend to make everyone happy. Yeah. So it's just not a good thing. And I think just foreigners whenever they, they kind of, they want you to do the inside

joke, which is like, talk about, uh, Middle Eastern or like Persians want you to talk about Persians. Of course. Everyone likes, but it's such a shallow ceiling. Yeah. It's such a quick hit. And it's also if you have someone who, who, who's hit, who's like doing well on the mainstream level, it boos the people way more than like doing a wedding here or an MSA event or some

now rose festival. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So it's something you still deal with though, right? Cause I've had, you know, I've done some late nights. I've, I've had, I have like a special and, you know, the comedy central thing coming out.

So it's the mainstream is kind of becoming more successful. Whereas when you don't have those things, they'd be like, bro, talk about, you'll talk about this more. How can we not talk about our food more? Yeah. I feel that way with women comics too. It's kind of, we're still pigeonholed either you're a mother or you're a slut. That's so funny.

And it's still not the point or you're a lesbian. So you're outside of, of being fuckable and therefore you're, you're given a little more leadway to have a voice, but we're still not, it's still not there where you could be like, I'm just a person that tells jokes. I'm not your mom. I'm not the girl you want to fuck. And I'm not an un-fuckable dyke. So you know what I'm saying?

Well, there's no room for you. There's no room yet. Yeah. Like kind of what you're like. Look at the flyer. It's called sluts only. But I feel the same way. Yeah.

As a female comedian, like if you're actually saying something about the world, it's like, well, we don't really know what to do with you just yet. Yeah. It might happen another decade. So I found the, like the brown people, they'll, they'll, they'll, I don't know, it's a better term is, but like the brown people will, they'll fuck with you. Once you get on the mainstream, they'll be like, yeah, that's my boy, but it's very hard on the, there's a select few and it's great.

Like there's nothing more I love than Afghan fans on the come up who actually liked what I did. That's awesome. For what it was. Sure. And are kind of seeing what's happening now instead of just like. People are though, and it's not unique to one group or obsessed with hearing about their own.

Oh yeah. Try it always. It's we're tribal by nature, right? People love inside jokes. It's like, yeah. But you know what's interesting about Netflix is that when I had a meeting with them to go over when I did my first special there, they're like, we found out that research shows that it's not broken down by demographics the way you think it is.

For instance, it's not only white women watching orange is the new black. You know what I'm saying? It's not all girls who look like Piper watching that shit. Like you'll have like the black woman in Minnesota. You'll have a dad in an LA watching it. So it's kind of just proven all these years of how they do television shows and they market shows to specific demos and everything like that theory is completely fucked with Netflix now, which is great.

Yeah. People are watching with like Black Panther or crazy rich Asians. Yeah. Right. Oh, huh. Wait a minute. People want to see themselves. Yeah.

Yeah, I know. Revolutionary. It kind of feels good a little bit. Like they proved it, right? But that white people would watch Asian people and white people are going to watch this and you can watch anything. Yeah. That's not the point.

Yeah. White people will go see, here's the thing, a white person will go see a good movie if it's good. But anything that's good works. Yeah. Like they're not going to be like, what? There's a bunch of Asians in that. Right.

Like if it's good, it ends up, you know, that word of mouth still would just spread. It transcends. And also too, just kind of being older now, even with the rap music, man, remember when Eminem came out? Yeah. Like how fucking huge that was? Yes. It was unheard of.

Yeah. Do you know how technically proficient he had to be at rapping to make that crossover? I know. And then look at the landscape now. You have guys like Takeshi or you have Rich Brian, who's an Asian kid. You can be anything in rap now. Yeah. But Takeshi is terrible.

But I do. Sure. Yeah. She has a career. There's no barrier of entry anymore. Bad girl, whatever. Bad baby or something. Yeah.

No, I know. Well, now with online access, anybody can throw up anything and be like, hey, I mean, there's guys with girls with YouTube followings from their fucking iPhone, where like they now have like 19 million subscribers, and it's just them putting out a video. Not even like a well-shot, thought-out sketch, just, you know, you throw out your personality. People might respond to it. Yeah. It just happened.

Yeah. You kind of realize that people who use gate controllers and all that stuff, it's just monkeys picking stocks. That's all it is. Yeah. It's all over. They like to think that they're tapped into this thing, but it's great seeing guys, even in the comedy scene, where it's seeing them take off.

And I know you didn't fuck with this person because there's a pipeline directly to the people nowadays. Oh, yeah. You can't deny it. And now they want to get on, you know? Right. Comedy central, goat-faced. Fahim Anwar.

Here's a clip. We got a lot of flak over that one, but I fell on the sword for that. I go, we're airing this? Yeah. Or I walk. Yeah. Good job. Yeah.

So I walked away from the project. We have a rapper. We opened the show with a rapper. Remember? We did? Yeah. And that lady that we played earlier, maybe he'd be interested in hearing her word. Oh, yeah.

That is rap. That's right. I forgot about that. Do you like rap music? I love rap music. Okay. Cool. Bitch, I'm Heidi Fleiss.

Bitch, I'm Heidi Fleiss. Bitch, I'm Heidi Fleiss. I'm wet. I'm wild. I'm wet. I'm wild. I'm wet. I'm wild.

I'm wild. I'm wild. I'm wild. I'm wild. I'm wild. Hollywood madam bitch. Hose on the strip. Yes.

Politics. Politics. Politician shit. Hollywood madam bitch. Make it gushy. Then kill the pussy. Is this like a mash-up? Yeah, I think so.

I don't like mushy. Is this the same cohesive song? Out of LA, first million four months, a hundred racks a night, count this money up. I mean, she's got good rhythm, obviously. Yeah. Count this money up. Where do you find this? We're lucky in that people send things.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I just like to think that you have a pot of coffee on. This is my jam. It's gonna be a long night. She's an adult performer that rapper also. She does anal. Does other things.

Lots of anal. I wouldn't have been able to tell just from that. Yeah, we look at a lot of anal clips. Oh. Yeah. Are you, is that your kind of go-to? The anal? When you're doing a search, is it mostly anal or no?

No. No? No, it's just rapping. Do you have lanes? Lanes? Of hardcore that you like? No. Jesus, Tom.

What kind of question? I think he doesn't even know you that well, Dan. The second mom and dad are gonna listen to this. No, they're not. He's Muslim. He doesn't do that shit. All right. I have come all over my face.

Oh, my God. So we have a fun segment we like to call drugs or mental illness. And we play you a video and you tell us whether you think this person's high or mental ill. Yeah. Okay. Here we go. It's a hard game. There is a deaf curse being placed on the leader, on the president of Iran.

I got it. And the tola, the niayatola. I'm gonna say mentally ill. Me too. I'm gonna go mentally ill. I think you're right. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm glad I've brought any services. How do we know? We never know. Yeah, or any kind of curses. It's just the gut feeling in the room. Yeah, the consensus. Well, the delusion, the delusion. Not only.

Or a contract to price to reduce it to $10,000. A lot of times, after a few episodes, Dr. Drew will come in. And he's really good at spotting things that the... Oh, he'll like... ...he'll look and... ...he'll... Yeah. He'll look at even breathing patterns, look at the colors in the eyes, the skin.

He'll be like, that's pretty much definitely meth. And like, he's just really good. He's dissected clips for us that we... Yeah, it's pretty fun. We've been like, whoa, we had no idea... This, by the way, we have to show him this guy. Which four stroking? No, this guy.

Oh, this guy. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's called our... We call it the two drew list. So we make sure that he sees... Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, yeah, but this guy... I don't know, I think we're definitely on to something. If you want to do anything like this, you can contact with the YouTube services. I will check, email that way. And I'm glad to have provided services of removing the curse. Any curse? So it sounds like there's a curse, though, on the Ayatollah and the president of Iran. This is just...

Put Iran president. Yeah. The curse Ayatollah. And that was sent to you? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Here's another one. Okay. I don't know if this is the same guy or not, but it says drugs or mental illness. Oh, sure. Oh, same guy. Sorry. Death curse. Maybe he's high on this one, though.

Removal service for anyone who is a member of Hamas and a Taliban. Okay. I think we all agree something's wrong, though, right? Yeah. Seems like you're on Fred as well, too. Yeah. Oh, shit. Did you know that there...

Well, remember that porn we played that was about Saddam Hussein? The porn we played? Oh, yeah. Sorry, Osama bin Manin. Yeah, it was like Taliban porn. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When they raided, didn't he have tons of hard drive with porn? Yes, yes, he did.

He did. But this was like... Let me see if I can pull this up. The Taliban porn? Well, this might get him all worked up. I don't know who I'm talking about. But let's see if this happens. You know these guys.

Here we go. Here we go. U.S. military forces are on their way from what I understand, and... Is this from Goatface? This is on the cutting room floor. This was cut for time. Yeah. It seems that time is running out for Osama bin Laden, and soon he'll fall into the hands

of the Northern Alliance and the Special Forces. By the way, I think if you would have done this segment on Goatface... Uh-huh. Big hit. You think? Monster numbers. Especially if you got this scene. I feel like we might alienate our base.

Oh, here we go. Who is into this? Like, you got to really... Where do you get this actor? That's what I want to know. Oh, this is... Like this is a Craigslist ad? Like if you're the brown dude, you know what I mean?

Now, none of the higher ups that kind of senseless say anything. They're just like... There's humor here. Trying to get me in trouble on both sides. Sorry. Oh, wow. I like how they're like Veronica Kane in Afghanistan, like the whole country. Where do you think they actually shot that?

And they're like, people are killing me. Yeah. Where do you think they actually... Northridge? Yeah. We did a... I did that whiskey tango foxtrot, that Tina Fey movie, and we did it in New Mexico. And so New Mexico just doubled for Afghanistan, I guess.

Oh, yeah. They're shooting everything in New Mexico. Yeah. It was in Albuquerque and Santa Fe. Did that come out? Wait, is that... It's already out. It was like two years ago that...

Yeah. Wow. We've been really, really on one with Garth Brooks the last few weeks, months, really. You like him? He's all right. I mean, I'm not a huge fan. I know of him. Yeah.

Is he still like really big, or is it all about... Oh, he's... He's huge. He's beyond anything. Is he like the Drake of country music? Yes. A better bigger, right? Is he still flying on harnesses like over the audience?

I don't know. He's doing big ass shows. But they still do Chris Gaines? No. No. That's when I tapped out. But they... He's a huge Chris Gaines fan.

The commercials have been airing that his Notre Dame show is going to be...is going to come out. Oh, okay. Yeah. So that's... The big ass stadium tour. The big ass stadium tour of which Notre Dame was the first stop, first concert ever in Notre Dame stadium.

Geez. And now he's just going to do nothing but stadiums. He's there. He's way there, bro. Oh, yeah. Here he is talking. It was supposed to be...it was going to be a college tour, but because of the cities, how they worked out, there's going to be some professional stadiums and then as well.

So we're just going to keep it at the stadium tour. But this one is going to be so special, so rare and so far apart. We'll do about...we'll do about...we'll do probably 10 to 12 a year for three years. Jesus. 10 to 12 a year for three years. What's with the defensive body language guard? I don't know. It's like he doesn't need it.

It's like he doesn't need it, and it's like he doesn't dress up for his press conference either. Very individual. Very unique. His body language is weird. You know what he reminds me of? He reminds me of Tommy from the store. I don't know.

Did you ever interact with him? All right. A little bit. He's got a little Tommy vibe with the arms crossed and the indifference to... By the way, this is a stadium tour? Why is he disgusted by his own tour? This is probably the fifth or sixth different video months apart that we've watched where he's wearing that same...

Same outfit. ...shirt. He just wears that shirt. It's like... Oh my God. Can I tell you what I figured out? What? I know why he's goddamn weird.

Why? I'm being serious. I think he might be slightly autistic. What? Or aspergery. I'm serious. Now think about my fucking theory. Yeah, okay.

I can buy a new one. Because A, he mimics a lot of what he sees as being normal human behavior, and that's probably why he's not reading well on social media, because he's really not relatable. And all of his interviews are fucking weird and a little aspergery, but he's really good at what he does. He's pretty meticulous, right? Yeah. I'm going to go like a dash of Asperger's here.

I like your theory. I'm serious. A dash, huh? Just... He's... He's highly... I'm not saying he's like full. Just a dash of Asperger.

I'm going to go... I like that. Yeah. I think he is. Could be. Let's see if this gets more weird. I'm scared. Nervous.

All the good things. I will say this. If the whole tour is going to be like Notre Dame, I don't know if I'll be able to handle it. This is the most work that I've ever done. Isn't that a weird thing to say? He's weird. But that's what I'm saying. He's fucking weird as Asperger's.

I think it's a weird offshoot of Asperger's where it's like a dash of confidence or like a heap of confidence. Well, there's a lot of... Asperger's with confidence. Yes. There are performers that have it, though. Yeah. That are really successful.

Yes. About your tour where you're like, I'm scared, I'm nervous, I'm excited. Honestly, I don't know if I'll be able to handle my own tour. He just said... That is not true. He just said it. He's like, if the rest of the tour goes like this, I honestly don't know if I'll be able to do it.

What? What are you talking about? You're not going to be able to do your own tour? Yeah, because it's just too much. Well, then don't fucking do your tour. Some people are insecure, though, and they double down the other way. Right. Yeah, yeah.

That's what I think is really happening. I think it's fake. I'm so... I don't know. I don't know if it's going to go this way. I'm like, this is the most work that I've ever done, but it's the most time I've ever put into anything. He runs to Ricky Gervais from the office.

It's just interesting. The character. Yes. Yeah. David Brent. Yeah. Yeah. They want it to be the best night of their life and walk in there.

That's a wonderful advantage to have. Some doctors who watch him. Yeah. Give it to them. Let them know that you care. Let them know that you're singing just to them. And that is easy in a honky talk, and it became easy in an arena, and that's what I'm hoping becomes easy.

In a stadium. He's about to cry. He's about to cry. The furthest away they can feel like they're from here. Oh boy. That's... He's getting emotional there about putting on the show that'll change your life. It's weird, man.

It is weird. Yeah. Something's going on. We have... Dr. Drew has to watch. Something about all the bodies he's got stacked in fucking graves in his yard, for sure. He's a killer. 100%.

He's probably killed two, three hundred people in his life. It's a good cover. Yeah. I don't know. I think so. I'm going to go with it. Just a dash of aspers. Hmm.

Did you shop for Black Friday? I know you've always told me that you're a huge shopper. No. You stand in line overnight. I don't do that. What's the point? You know what I mean? Oh my God.

That's so dumb. I think all people who do it is like if it's a ritual, like the family. All right. After we eat turkey, we... Yeah. Does anybody need to save that much money just for a thing? I think some people really can't stand the thought that they might not get the deal that somebody else got.

And those are the people... There's actually a number of them. But don't you value your time over 50 bucks? No. I do. Those people don't. And then while it's Cyber Monday, just have it delivered to your house. Right.

I'm not hitting the other. Yeah. Well, I had a friend that's like... My mother and I do it every year. We're saying we take turns standing in line so it's like a fun thing. I don't know. It sounds like torture to me. It sounds like the worst thing ever, especially if you can't get a refund.

Don't laugh at me. God damn it. Don't you laugh at me. Give me my money back. Yes, you are. You can't quit for money. It goes to your debit card directly. It won't let us...

Yeah. And it's already out of my account. And I can show you that you've already taken my money. So you need to give me my cash. And if I end up on YouTube, I will personally sue your ass. I'm just talking really well. If we end up on YouTube, I will sue you. I'm not putting it on YouTube.

If it ends up on Facebook, I will sue you. All right. Yeah, sure. That is perfectly fine. Yeah, because you can't record if you don't want to be recorded. And then you tell your attorney, I love you. She has an attorney? There's no way they can afford an attorney.

It's on YouTube now. If she's asking for the $50 back or whatever, she clearly can't afford it. What do you think this is? It's very expensive. I'm going to guess Ross. Ross is probably a good guess. No, it's Sears. Oh.

Oh, well, that's not even there anymore, huh? Look at the detective here. Damn. I like how they're doing it in front of the baby. That's nice. I hope everyone gets your fucking job. How do you feel when Sears is going out of business? Okay.

And I'm calling Sears, too. Okay. I don't care what you do. Why don't you get a job? What you want? These people are really giving white people a bad name. Yeah. This is a very white kind of feel to it.

Yeah. White trash, though. Hey. To be clear. I don't know if I would call them white people. Yeah. There's different levels of white. I mean, you know what I mean?

I was trying to be nice to them. Oh, I'm not. You're terrible people. These are garbage people. Do you think they're the same family? Garbage. Or like four different white people wanting to get a refund? Oh, no.

This is a garbage family. No, that's the crew. That's the crew. Yeah. They need to back up. They go bring your baby. Oh, yeah. Baby, it sucks.

Terrible. You're a shitty family. God damn it. No. I know. Well, I wonder what this is over also. Like what the item is. You know?

Yeah. Yeah. What do you think the cost is of the item? I don't know. What are they squabbling over? 20 bucks? It's probably, it's less than 100. Yeah, for sure.

Yeah. Yeah. The real game is like, is it $26? Does it be a good price is right game? It's just sort of like. What's the amount? Just white trash. Yeah.

What's pissing white trash off? What's your point? You need to check your damn math and stay out of it. I had 10. 10. You should get you another job. A better job than being Clark at $10 an hour. Oh, okay.

She's going to talk. She's talking some shit. Now she's calling somebody out on their job. Oh, man. Please tell us the amount if it's fucking. You're screaming. It hurts my ear. I'm so sorry.

Did you get your money? Oh, that is my money. Bye. You can quit before I knock it out. She'd have to kick it out though. Your hands are tied up. There's a Sears Mastercard application if you're interested. The end.

So I don't know if that's something you'd want. I have a pair of pants that I bought from Sears and I can't return them now. No. There's no Sears. Then Kmart just shut down. Kmart's been gone for a long time. No. You didn't know this?

Kmart just shut down one of their stores last week and it was a big deal. Are they still around? I thought they were done. Do you remember when they had been closing down? Slowly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sears has been doing that too and now I think they're finally like kaput. What's the game?

Toys R Us. Oh man. Toys R Us is gone. That hurts because I remember that was such a big part of my life. I remember I would get such a rush from going to Toys R Us and picking a Nintendo game. Do you remember like they would have it right there and they would like get it for you? You'll never experience that again. It's just weird.

There's like things about being older where technology advances. Like even buying a CD. Remember you would go into Circuit City or Best Buy or Future Shopper and you'd have to walk by washing machines and shit to actually get a CD. Yeah. Opening it and then the cellophane. Now this generation would know like the whole... The ritual.

The ritual of being dropped off and then having... Man, there was a point where CDs were getting... It was like $16.99. It was pretty pricey. It was pretty pricey but you would seek out and then to hold it like the actual... And it had that security clamp going on. Yeah. Yeah.

I have to get it unlocked. I love that ritual. Yeah. It was really fun. And it always comes out on Tuesdays. Oh. For like new releases. New releases, yeah.

But in hindsight you could understand why the music industry was kind of fucked because they were just bilking us for so long. CDs are what? $17, $21 and there's three good songs on it. Oh my God. Now we pay what? Like $10 a month for Spotify? Yeah.

Yeah. Every song in the universe? Not to mention the actual cost of producing that actual item was like pennies. Yeah. So you were just... I mean obviously you're not paying just to hold it. You're paying for the content but they really were robbing us. But you got the booklet and you got to flip through it.

Booklet lyrics? Read the lyrics? Oh, lyrics are fine. I like albums even. You could do your homework on the album cover. Yeah. Right out of your shit. Yeah.

So when all the rappers started doing double disc and triple discs and I thought it was so great as a kid, like, yeah, more content, like, yeah, more songs. But in hindsight, you're like, do some editing. Not all of these are bangers. Yeah. They're not all winners, bro. There's a lot of garbage on here. So we've been talking all this Garth stuff.

We got an email that said, I brought up Garth Brooks when I saw an advertisement for one of his shows during Thanksgiving, which was obviously the big and the Notre Dame one, in an attempt to expose how crazy Garth was to my relatives. Instead, I got roped into a six-hour conversation with my grandfather, which led me to watching two full-length live Garth concerts in both New York City and Dublin, as well as listening to four Garth albums. Oh, my God. I tried to tell my grandfather I only know Garth from your mom's house, but now he thinks

I'm a huge fan of country music and especially Garth. Quite literally until my grandfather dies, I will now need to pretend I love Garth Brooks. So in short, fuck you. Keep it high and tight. Stephen. Yeah. Nice. I really like that.

That's good. That is good stuff. Fuck, man. Well, that's kind of nice, a stronger bond, but now he has to keep this facade of living Garth Brooks. So he was probably like, have you seen Garth Brooks and his grandfather? I was like, you like him too? He's like, what?

Yeah. And then it just went downhill from there. God damn. Here's a scrum solution. Oh, okay. When you date, are you dating? Do you have a... You're about to be on a big TV show on Comedy Central.

Okay. We'll see. You're going to start getting some of those hot submissions like I get from the hot pot shows. Oh, yeah. Do we talk about this on the show yet? About getting... Oh, yeah.

You said you get hit up like once every five years. We were talking about that. Oh, right. Right before we hit record, we were at dinner the other night and Christina goes, we're having a dinner with a couple and then they said that, you know, the wife said that she sees emails for her husband. And then Christina goes, Tom, do you get hit up a lot? Like now that you're, you know, touring and put out specials, like our chicks just hitting

on you. I'm like, yeah. About once every five years, I'll get an email or some message from a woman, but it'll look like it's from a woman. But like dudes weekly will be like, you're so hot. And I'll be like, cool. Like, you know, Instagram stuff, they'll be like, great special. It doesn't hurt that you're easy on the eyes.

I just think there's less of a filter with gay guys. Of course. Cause like I'll get that too. And then also I think like black chicks are into me as well. Really? Nice. Yeah. I don't know what that, what it is, why that demo.

Yeah. Do you... Maybe I'm like a light-skinned black guy. I'm like Swiss beats or something. Oh, maybe. Oh, yeah. Have you ever hooked up with a fan, like somebody who messaged you, like, you know, you're hilarious and then meet them?

No. Never. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. So you never even like entertain the idea? Like let's say... It sounds fun.

You know what I mean? But like Instagram. Instagram is photos. Like somebody goes like, oh my God, you're so funny and you see it's a girl, you've never been like... She'll be intrigued. I'll be all alone. Yeah.

And then nothing, no pursuit at all. Well, sometimes logistically they just sort of like, it's like one of 13 year old girls says marry me Bieber or whatever. Oh, right. You know, like... You seem so emotionally mature. Thanks. This is mechanical engineering.

Maybe. Maybe I'm too practical. Yeah. You're like... Look, you live too far away. Yeah. Also I thought about this too, like as you get older, like in your 20s, like you'll chase a girl everywhere.

They'll be like, hey, we're at this bar. Come here. And you go, okay, we're in Riverside. All right. I'm on my way. But you just follow them everywhere. You don't think about anything. And then when you get older, you just kind of like...

You can do the math where they're like, hey, we're at this bar. And then you're like, okay, it's 130. She's around the town. She's with four of her friends. She's like, you just crunch the numbers. And you're like... I'm not doing this. Yeah.

This is nothing. You're describing me at... My thinking at 21. I was like, I'm tired. I just... I thought I would say I was like, I never pursued anything that didn't just kind of show up. Yeah.

Yeah. I just wasn't into effort. I was like, what? We're going to go to another place? Yeah. Yeah. No. Terrible.

Yeah. I was terrible. That's probably why you and I lasted. And we... I mean, I basically was like, just come over. I'm kind of like you. I'm not like that to me. But I'm not...

Yeah. I'm not like, yo, what up, girl? What would you get into? I love your face. Yeah. That's probably smarter. Yeah. Because you know the girl likes you already.

Your face is so hot, girl. Yeah. Yeah. But that's good. Because you don't want to have to fight some chick to like you. It's terrible. Would you consider, possibly, putting out like a video like this to like just to get the ladies, you know what I mean?

Nice. Nice. Nice. You feel so good to me, babe? When I meet you, and you talk to me, I want you to melt me like hot chocolate candy, and I will hot bro, but we're cool. See I picture you like that. Like that's my game?

Yeah. I just throw on some aviators. And then you're like, I turn into a telescope. When I see you, I melt like hot chocolate. You thought that was like a hot bar right there, like a girl's going to be like, damn a telescope? Telescope. That's sexy as hell.

That makes sense. Telescope. When I see you, I turn into a telescope. What does that mean? I think you were trying to say that I really look at your picture when I see it, but came out the way he put it, which is kind of cooler. What are you going to go for? Drugs or mental illness on that one?

I think that's just as different. That's swag. That's too much swag. I'm going to go drunk, old school, alcohol abuse pot? Yeah. Okay. Double. Yeah.

A lot of drugs and alcohol. I think it might be a little booze in there. Yeah. Here is a message though about, it's called the scrum solution. Yeah. Yeah. If you do date a girl though, you ever ask her to eat your scrum or something like that? No.

Okay. This one says, hey, Hitlers, I may have a solution to getting Christina over her scrum eating phobia. No. It's not interesting. I think you're telling my uncle. My triple D slut girlfriend and I have been together for three years now and never once had she ate or even offered to eat my scrum.

Obviously, I was very frustrated at how inconsiderate and rude she was being as I am. As well. Finally, the strategy that worked for me was to no longer bring up my browns. The discussion of size, shape, smell, and frequency is now off the table. One month ago, today, while she and I were practicing for her 69th birthday, I kept telling her to sniff those balls, but she kept wandering further south. I finally gave in and I let her eat my scrum for the first time and it was truly a life-changing experience.

It has now become a frequent event that she will eat my scrum and then I give her her reward. Okay. Anyway, it's a real Sophie's choice. Good luck. Piss on me and beat me, Chad W. That's a nice message, Chad. Thanks so much for that. How does my apples smell, huh?

So what do you think? Maybe we stop talking about brown and then maybe your tongue wanders south. No. I would rather talk about brown and enjoy the talks than eat your scrum. Do you know what I mean? No, I don't know what you mean. I would rather talk about what I'd prefer, how much joy. Scrum taint or what?

Yeah, it's so nasty. A little further back there. Yeah. I'm not going to do it. It's never happening. Be whole adjacent. Yeah. I see.

Yeah. Maybe we give her a little encouragement. No. It's really not my place. That's you guys. Come on, Faheem. Hey, I have a question. I do it.

Faheem, I have a question for you. Let's say you've just eaten a bunch of Afghan food, right? This is a great segue from scrum. This is like a free associate. You know, speaking of scrum, Afghan food, tell me about it. You've just had a big play of mom's cooking and it's the next morning. Which is like what? Give us a couple words.

Yeah, what do you have? What would it be? It's like rice and meat based, I would guess, sort of, if I had to say what it is. Yeah, maybe like chicken and rice or like lamb and rice, beef, kind of like a korma, which is kind of like a curry. There you go. Perfect. Okay.

So you've had your curry and it's the morning and you're dump, dump, dumping, and it's a messy brown and you go to wipe and you just go like, you know, when you wipe and you're like, oh boy, this is a disaster, like this is going to require a lot of cleanup, right? So we have a total washlet. Have you ever used that? A washlet? It's like sprays water and it's like a bidet. My question is, what do you do in that?

Like do you just go to shower? What do you mean? Like you wipe, wipe, wipe, but the brown keeps coming down, like a never-ending wipe scenario. But how come when you go in the shower and then you wash it with soap and water, the never-ending wipe stops? What's your theory? You got a lot of cascading water. So although you visually can't see all the, it's working.

You think it's just the cleaning of the brown? It's just the water cascading down your bowl. That's my guess. I do a toilet paper baby wipe combo. You do? Yeah, yeah. But how do you feel about that bidet, that water? I'm not there yet.

I'm, yeah, I have no idea how I would feel about it. I've never done it. Have you tried it? No, where would I go? I don't have fancy friends. Do you have to make a brown right now? No, I wish. That's very flattering.

Like no one would ever say, do you have to please take a shit in my toilet? Normally it's like take a shit in the lobby. Don't do it in my hotel room. Oh, wow. But you guys are the opposite. You're like Pete, go outside. Tell me when you want to do a dump. We do.

We encourage people to brown here. Yeah, we do. Wow. You're a rare breed. Yeah. You're like the only people who are like that. What is your take, by the way, your gut reaction? Is this horrible or hilarious?

Oh, come on. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, he laughed. You're sick inside too. If he's okay, it's hilarious. He's not okay. Yeah, I see a smile from you.

The sound of him yelling. That's funny. The well thing is. The sounds are funny. Also, the ting. The ting. That's funny. Yeah.

Here's a, look at the slo-mo. Oh, oh, that's not good. Fuck. Oh. The scream is funny. That's funny. The slo-mo. Yeah, you're right.

Real time. Yeah. Brood is better. I mean, that definitely hurt. That hurt like hell, man. Oh, fuck. He goes, fuck. But him going, oh, fuck.

Yeah. Just the realization of impending doom. That's scary. At the apex. It's very comical. There's also like a, like the, when he landed on this rate, like when he hit the railing, that probably broke something. When he, when he fell here, it's an additional hit, you know,

like before he died, it definitely, he's dead. So it says here, he says he died. Oh, stop. I'm just screaming. She was like, what? When you lay in bed at night, Tom, do you just have this on a loop in your earbuds? Pretty heavy.

Good night. The video, I don't know how to dig it up, but there's this like little kid on a bike. He's like learning how to ride a bike for the first time. And he's like, whoa, whoa. And then he's like, there's a tree right there. And he goes. Yeah.

No. He goes. Yeah. And then he hits the tree. No. It's the funniest shit. I'm left so hard at that. Especially just him saying.

Yeah. I like that. I mean, there's certain sounds that are just funny. No, please. No. Oh, what happened? He's figuring it out. You know?

He's trying to figure it out. Learning, man. You're learning. Wait, wait, wait. Play the first part again. Did he just run into him? Yeah. He's just backing up.

But you know, you've got to ease off the clutch. Just give it a little bit more, man. Back it up. Not too much. Ah. Ah. Ah. Sounds like a threat.

The rev. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like there's more of that coming. Yeah. But I think there's just funny stuff like that. It's not funny.

It's not okay. Yeah. No. He's okay. He's alive. He's fine. Actually, we learned that he was fine. Oh.

It was a big story in Taiwan when it happened. Seriously. No. No, no, I swear to you. Yeah. How's that a big story in Taiwan? Well, because it went viral and it was in Taiwan. So then it was in the news and people were like, is this guy dead?

His legs shattered. Turned out he just had bruises. Oh, that's okay. Yeah. Just wasn't. Because some people thought for sure the legs were amputated, but it weren't. Yeah. Makes me feel better about it.

Yeah. Yeah. He laughed pretty hard, let's be honest. That's how we laugh? No. I'm saying you laugh pretty hard. He enjoyed it. Christina's always weirded out when I show it to people.

It's because I'm a mother and I hate seeing people getting hurt. Men are destroyers. Women are creators. You know what I mean? Yeah. I create life. You guys fucking kill each other. Yeah.

Serial killers, all male, mostly. Murders, male, mostly. Hmm. That's a good point. It's not just fucking theory. Would you rather sit through a 24 hour performance of, here's, I'm going to give you choices, okay? Of this.

Okay. So it's just this 24 hours. Is this Yoko Ono? I'm going to kill myself already. Got it. I'm good. Okay. So do you want 24 hours of that?

No. 24 hours on a row. Oh fuck. This is a vocal performer. Fuck. 24 hours. I'm going to go this guy. Or.

It's annoying, but. Oh, so far they're both very annoying. 24 hours. Fuck. Jesus Christ. How does he have this large of an audience? Oh. Oh.

This guy moves tickets. This guy really sells tickets. I mean, I think. As a comedian, when you watch this stuff and you see people busting up in the crowd, don't you die inside? Yes, it makes us so angry. Or go into a homicidal rage. Yeah.

Yeah. And they're like, wow, what an amazing skill. It's so dumb. So. Yeah. Which is, give me the order of worst, the worst one all the way down. I'm going to go, it's tough between the screaming guy. Yeah.

And this last one with the mustache. As the worst. I think so. Over the drumming lady. Drumming. You have to look at them. You know what a drum sounds like. It's very passive.

This is performance drumming. It's not even real drumming. It's like. You don't have to see their eyes. It's like a fair rummaging through trash. Look at him. Look at them watching like it's a real thing. Like, yes, this is art.

It's so crazy. Piece of shit. Look at him. I know. You guys are watching this stupid bitch. This is so dumb. I can't believe people buy into this shit. Look at this guy analyzing it like it's real.

He's fascinating. He's like, yes, art. Yeah. That's cool. So you think. This is really hard. See, I suppose. Because I didn't see him go that violent on the drum and that's really annoying.

I thought it was just sort of like. Is it a girl? I think it's a guy. My God. Long hair guy. Yeah. He goes on these three. I think actually.

Middle guy definitely I can't do. That's just too grating. The voice guy. That guy. Okay. So that's the worst? That's the worst for me. Yeah.

Yeah. That's pretty bad. Second place. Go ahead. It's hard. It's hard to figure. I can't do that. I can't do five seconds.

24 hours. Yo. What if they did like a watch the throne tour? This guy. And the last guy. People minds are blown. Oh yeah. Holy shit.

As in suicidally blown. Yeah. Yeah. And they're on the stage. They just like floats over everybody. Like calling it, you know. See, I'm struggling here because I feel like the drummer I want to punch straight in the fucking mouth for thinking that he's putting on a show.

Yeah. This guy, I realize he does a specific thing. And in its own weird way, he can actually do this bullshit. Well, but I want, I want him dead a hundred percent. So those are the struggle for me. Cause now, now that I see all three together, the handboning guy is definitely the most tolerable. The clapping guy.

I agree with you. But here's the thing. If he brings up an excellent point is the rage. Yes. And I would, I imagine myself watching him do this horseshit, people laughing and the torture of the audience enjoying that might set me off even more than the drumming and the screaming. So there's two layers to it.

Right. With the drumming. It's just everyone's quiet. It's annoying. And you just have to get through this. Right. But then the emotional component to the stupid handboning, it adds another layer of triggering layer for me.

So I'm, I'm going to go, I'm going to go number one on the handboning guy. Cause it pisses me. It's the most offensive second place, the drummer third play. This is fine. This is just a homeless guy in my mind. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah.

It's like a homeless guy in an alley. It's like big deal. Some guy on the subways is crazy. 24 hours. Hey, but the handboner would make me go. Really? And he put the handboning guy in. I think the drummer, I hate the most.

I think I hate the drummer the most. The drummer. I think so. Um, we're always fucking pointing out how nasty and inappropriate people are in different scenarios, sometimes in public. So we got an email said, I recently started listening to the podcast and I've been listening glassing through the back catalog back in episode 398. I heard you talk about sandals specifically.

Stinky, funky, ugly ass Birkenstocks. I think that's the official shoe of Seattle. Right. Um, I don't know yet if you got the blowback you were expecting from the low and loose dirt Burke wears, but I'm a hundred percent with you. Totally smelling your asshole on this one. I don't know if you classy celebrity country club folk or anything like the modest non binary sir from Canada, but I see some real nasty ass pictures.

People post in swap and sell groups on Facebook of their like new and only worn once shit sandals. Some of them look like the person may have been burned to death wearing them, leaving the imprint on there for eternity. I took a few screenshots to share with you, but now or to share with my brother. Now I'm going to share them with you. Keep those jeans high and tight in those purples, big and mushy cats. People are fucking like, Oh, look only worn two times.

No bitch. 22 times. That's bullshit. Oh, this is how much of those cost new. That's what I'm saying. A hundred dollars. Really? Are they a hundred bucks?

I think they're pretty well made shoes. I know people love their Burke. It's worn twice. But they are. Bullshit bitch. Don't even worn twice. Oh. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. Bullshit bitch. Don't even worn twice. No. Barely worn. My feet change sizes. I can't wear them anymore.

I think people's criterion for barely worn in the Birkenstock community is a bit different. These are totally faded. Ew. And look at the indentations of the toes. I know. Is there a market for that? These are 10 bucks. This person was like, I got to get something.

I have friends and stuff who will have raw denim jeans that were worn by a Japanese guy for like two years. Like Bobby Lee will do that where he'll pay. There's like this company where you're paying a premium for people having worn them in for you. Oh, that's funny. So pants you can handle. But like shoes are too gross. I think so. I couldn't handle pants.

I don't want anyone. I don't want pants either. So here we go. Pants are expensive. $139. Oh, shit. $100. Yeah.

So this is a high ticket item. You know what you do? I can see why people would buy them. You get some other shit. You just feel like those aren't for me. Yeah. Get the rung below Birkenstock. $100 shoes.

Yeah. I mean, I've wanted nice shit that I couldn't get. And I was like, well, I guess I just won't buy that. Yeah. Or just wait. Wait a little bit. Yeah. Save up.

You know, I'd be like, I have $40 now. So I'll just put that aside. How funny was if they want to stunt on their like granola friends? They go, oh cool. Nice new Birkenstocks. Yeah. But in the back of your mind, you know, their second hand. That's the only reason to get them second hand.

Somebody wore these to a festival already. I'm fucking flexing on these pools right now. I'm so torn on the Birkenstock because on the one hand, imagine the comfort you must feel wearing them. They do look like the ultimate comfort shoe. I've talked to people who said they're amazing. I don't get it. I don't know.

You're so comfortable. Your foot is free. I think part of what's amazing about them, like, I mean, levels of it is number one, the ease of putting on and taking off. Yeah. Isn't that any sandal? Yeah. But I mean, like I was saying, that's one component, right?

And then the, I talked to a couple of Birkenstocks fanatics who were like, they are so unbelievably comfortable and you wear through them. Like they're so comfortable, but you eventually wear through them. You know, you have to re-up those, those shoes. I guess fairly often, but they're like, I know a couple of people, they're obsessed with them. They really love them. I would never.

I just, my problem is they're so unfashionable. Yeah. And I'm not a big fashionista, but they're so unfuckable. Like you're just, you're really giving in to not having sex again. Yeah. I don't like that. Yeah. I don't like it.

I don't like to look. I mean, I've seen you wear them on stage, but I think that's just. Yeah. That's just part of my stage persona. Yeah. Yeah. It's kind of a new thing that I'm doing. It takes a while, but.

I had a landlady that composted and she get mad if I didn't put my table scraps on her compost heap. I was like, I'm just not going to do that. I'm not doing it. Why don't you put your trash on? What's wrong, Tom? Sorry. I'm just looking at something that a message came in.

All right. What about dates? Are you doing any road dates coming up? I was teaming up with Neil. You know, it's opening for him on his tour. Oh yeah. How'd it go? Good.

We took November off, so we're back on December. I think we're doing LA, Denver, and San Diego, and Arizona. All right. Yeah. And then, yeah, I'm just like around LA. I don't have anything on the books yet, but I think to promote Goatface, I might get some road dates set up. Great.

Great. Great. Cool. Let's encourage everybody to, if you're listening to this episode as it comes out, watch Goatface. Goatface would be great. Comedy Central. Comedy Central.

10 p.m. November 27th. Wonderful. Yeah. And then I have a special called There's No Business Like Show Business Comedy Central Licenses, so I think you can watch it for free on their website. And then it's also on Amazon Prime. Great.

We love Amazon Prime. Yeah. It's good. And then I have a podcast too called Faheem Anwar Dance Hour. Faheem Anwar Dance Hour. Dance Hour. A-N-W-A-R is your last name. You've put out some hilarious videos.

You know what? One of the first times we chatted, it was in the backstage of the main room at the comedy store. Yeah. And you were in your space. I didn't want to bother you. And you're like, oh, I saw, I saw, I don't dance, that Brent Weinbach short film. Yeah.

And you were really into it. And that was really cool for me. I love it. Because I didn't, you don't know who watches what. Yeah. It was really funny. You came your way. Can people just Google that?

It's on Vimeo. Yeah. It's called I Don't Dance. I love Brent. He's just such a weird comedy brain. He is, man. He's so funny. There's no one like him.

Nobody. Well, please support Faheem. And thanks for coming. Gina, is there anything else you want to add? No. Thanks again for coming, man. Thanks for having me. Thanks for having me.

Here's a young Patreon, Scrum Dog Millionaire produced by DJJPSounds. We'll see you guys next week. Yeah. Check it out. Young Patreon. Back up in that motherfucking ass. Scrum Dog Millionaire. Now you can catch me at the pool pile.

You know how I do now. I'm a little drunk. Scrum Dog Millionaire. Now you can catch me at the pool pile. You know how I do now. Drop and bring some shit. I put a finger in your ass like I'm dark-siding. That's it.

Holy shit. Quick play dumb. Come and eat my Scrum. Don't give a fuck if you're homeless. Don't give a fuck if you're with them. You can move into my house if you ready to fuck. Look at the hard core. Guys, I want to fuck you.

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Cause I meant this good. Got my little dick hard like a piece of wood. And what about my brother though? A big dick player with a style alone. I had him hit the crystal and his nuts exploded. And he's 49 and he's got known to rob the problems at all. Just like Dr. Drew, I put a spell on you. I want that open defecation like McAfee do.

Turn a million dollars mine till my full of brown. I like when people get hurt and they scream real loud. It's not particularly funny just cause they got hurt. What really gets me is when they make funny sounds. So call them motherfucking crazy. I'm daring y'all to hate me. Good morning, Julia. Take a look around.

I built all this shit. We both tried them now. I got the wildest go to you ever seen. Bought to murder yo ex. So you can get with me. October be over. It burn is still fat. It came in last place.

Who predicted that? Probably everyone. We all knew this fat ass couldn't get it done. Plus he's racist. Mommy Christine you need to sprint. I'm chic. Go to town on his brown in between the sheets. Hold his big hairy legs up in the air.

Tongue that butt like a million on air. He'll clean it really good. Put the kids to sleep. You know it's time to ease from the millionaire.