Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 477-Kyle Dunnigan-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: December 5, 2018

Oh. My. Jeans. This episode has it all: Farts, Serial Killers (not Tommy) explained in detail by Josh Potter, JULIA with the full story of how she received those AWFUL video messages! AND the great and hilarious KYLE DUNNIGAN joins us in studio to discuss his amazing instagram videos, his chaotic dating life, a faster path to SMASHING and how much $ it would take to spend the night with a lady nobody finds attractive.   

We are making music It's called home button. Oh Carson I like it already very goth. I Got a announced Add-on date. Okay We're adding a show in Tampa tampon Florida at the tampon theater March 7th, this is a

March 7th will be the added show It's our third show there That's very Exciting for me. I'll tell you a couple a maze site May's I'll tell you a couple other things that are happening with the new tour Number one The first show will be January 4th San Francisco the Masonic the January 5th one is sold out

So if you want to go in San Francisco You got to get tickets to the 4th It's not the Masonic. It's the Masonic. Sorry. You said may sonic. That's very very stupid of me. I'm a stupid person It's not how they say it up there. Thank you we also have Let's see the early the 11th in San Diego is sold out the 12th early show is sold out There is about 150 tickets left to the late show in San Diego if you want to go From there I go to Oklahoma City

The show on the 22nd has tickets the other ones are gone and then San Antonio Houston and Dallas You'll want to get on those All of them are either close to sold out or sold out. So you're in Texas That's what to do. The following is The excuse me the next time I go out after that will be Long Beach Chumash Casino and Reno those are all on sale and don't forget I moved the show that was in November At the Wellmont in Montclair, New Jersey. I moved it to February 13th. That was due to weather It was snowing that day unexpected and the roads shut down. Anyway

That shows now February 13th If you can't go and you had tickets you get a full refund if you want to go your tickets stay valid So just show up and you'll still have the same seat But there will be a few more tickets available now that it's been moved. So if you're interested in going February 13th Gene what's I believe it's February and don't forget. We also added a late show in Nashville or Gashville, Tennessee at the Ryman So that's on Sunday that week in April during the festival the first show sold out We added a late show at the Ryman. Oh shit, man

You know when you push a fucking button and your asshole goes all weird So Philly fill her up Delphia, I'm on my way bros I'm leaving on on Thursday. I'm gonna see you guys December 7th Fill her up Delphia some tickets left on that Friday late show the first one is sold out That was that down Friday late show right jeans always the Friday late. It's such a pisser never stops I'd never stops Jewdork titties Like literally maybe 20 tickets left. You said that like a Brit literally literally 20 tickets left on December 8th the Gramercy Theater in Jewdork titties

January 10th I am here in the main room at the comedy store in Hollywood January 31st through February 2nd Denver at the comedy works February 28th Madison, Wisconsin the comedy club on state and then many Apple tits April 4th through 6th And then we're looking at May at the 10p improv 10p 10p and I'm waiting on a date to reschedule the Sillawim Sillawim Falls date that I had to cancel due to the fires the the crying tour, right? Anyway, this is the Ryder day tour Thank you to everybody that's already come out and I look forward to seeing you very soon Christina P. Online for ticket links

Thank You Jesus. Bye. Thank you so much Christina P. Online TomSugar.com, you know what it is y'all know who's good to game BG. You know what it is God Do the thing cuz there it is, you know I'm saying the You know I'm saying welcome to Cast you know I'm saying Today's episode is Absolutely amaze you're gonna die. We have so much great material for you great guests It really is I know we say that a lot, but today you might sour and sauce your jeans

So what did you say sour and sauce them? Made it up. You just made that up with your dog brain. Yeah, we got a dog beer to match your dog professional comedian Yeah, I am You're a lady comic now. I'm a comedian. Okay, don't fucking make up my pronoun for me Don't you gender me? Yeah, oh, you're switching glass I gotta switch because that's for readings and then this is just a general because you're old. I'm so old Wow That's cool. Yeah, didn't know how old she was anyways

Grow up Tom. Christine's old and we're ready to do this episode ready Stupid your jeans up the Broward Sheriff's Office says Wilson and the man gotten to a verbal dispute over her quote farting loudly boys want to say that on TV While in line and that is when she pulled a knife and threatened the man before leaving the store Who is Randy don't bring anyone loving to this Sakura I gotta tell you right now. I gotta tell you I get it I finally get it the armors the Greeks the guineas the blacks have been wearing these velour tracksuits for years

And the Hungarians, of course. You're forgetting the prime demo. You got me one. Yeah, I'm wearing it right now It's great, right? It's really comfortable. Yeah. Can I tell you now? I get it Yeah, and nothing makes me happier if you want to get me any gift anytime the nevelour Track suit is so soft. It's the fucking bomb right the ease of it the pants are loose and Easy to take on and off this sauce up and yeah, I'm jealous I kind of I want one the problem with the ladies versions. They always make them too tight Oh, right. I'm saying like sexy juice. Yeah, but you want it loose and comfy. Yes

Of course, I may have to get like a men's comfort comfort over. Yeah, of course But I'm so happy that you're finally on board with the baller just showed up with one yesterday No, I've been trying to ease you into the shift for 14 years. What ease does it take? It's fine I just put it on. I mean what that wasn't hard to convince me I know, but I feel like I've bought you these things over the years this you haven't not full full velour I just know you know why I felt like it was time. You're ready for it. Why I don't know I feel like now that your dad your father of two. Yeah, you're officially in dad mode. You like I've been in dad I'm so happy

I'm so happy and I wore my three stripe just to commemorate. I feel like we're in it to get Adidas Adidas. We're like total Eastern blockers now. We are So this lady farted and then pulled a knife on somebody for talking about her fart. Yeah Yeah, really wild about a Flatulence in a florida store leads to police making a stranger rest. It's a lot of purple Shanetta Wilson. There's Shanetta. She was arrested for aggravating Aggravated assault with a deadly weapon after she pulled a knife on a man who was offended when she allegedly passed gas while waiting in line So she farted somebody was like, hey, do you mind and then she pulled a knife on it

I fuck you out far when I want to fart the Broward Sheriff's Office says Wilson and the man got into a verbal dispute over Quote farting loudly boys want to say that on tv While in line and that is when she pulled a knife and threatened a man before leaving the store. Yes, I did Farting Farting loudly Play it again, play it again. Yeah, that's great. Farting loudly Farting loudly Why did she get kind of a flatulence? By the way, if she's such a dick

Usually when they it's only if there's a fart story involved Does the anchor person ever say like there's the person when their image comes up. Sure like she did. She's like There's Shanetta, right like they never do that. Well because it's fart related. They're like there she is She's mocking the criminal. Yeah. This is a serious crime though. She pulls a knife on someone Fucking aggravated assault, of course There's Shanetta. There's you dick Yeah, we know farting loudly Farting loudly. What accent it's like our son now our oldest son is going. Yes. Yes. Yeah

He's out of nowhere. It was yes forever. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. And now he goes. Yes. Yes What are you like your lunch? Yes He sounds like the guy from sexy beast. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Yes Um farting loudly. It's like someone learning to say the word loudly Loudly. Well the fart the hard T farting Loud. Farting. Farting. Loudly. Yeah. Well. Farting loudly. It happens So I fart loudly a lot in public. I can't hold them in anymore after two children Yeah, because I you know when you have a vaginal birth it kind of loosens everything up. Yeah, that's um

Yeah, pretty wild your uh, your farts have really been so hard to look at you because you've been cutting your own hair Hey, let's talk about it. It's terrible. Let's talk about what happened So I'm going to post the photographs on my instagram the christina p So you guys can see what i'm dealing with. Yeah, so last night. Is it the christina p? Yeah, I do the christina p Because christina was taken there's shanetta Ha ha ha there shanetta It's the christina p. Yeah, I know it's either worse social media Any hoodles I was relaxing last night. You always did this to me when I'm like having my glass of wine. I'm chilling down

You come downstairs And you're like you you're bold you look like bruce willis And I'm like what the fuck did you do to yourself? Yeah, because You you've been cutting your own hair with your clippers. I get impatient and I am impulsive and I just Sometimes I just here's the thing because my balding is in the front What happens is Like when you take it down all the way you're like cool. It's just this is how it should be As it starts to grow out what stands out is that the front center is obviously thin

So it stands out that oh everything else is getting longer starts to look bad Sometimes it'll be like a second or third time you look in the mirror like I gotta do something about it now Oh, I see so it what what's happening is because I don't mind that That you you're cutting your hair short. It's just that you're doing it Like you said impulsively in poor lighting at night. So you're not you're missing a lot of spots You're not really doing a good job. Yeah Why not wait because alan's coming over tomorrow He's gonna be in your house and he can do your hair properly

I I didn't first of all, I didn't know alan was coming over. I didn't make an appointment with him, right I just saw what happened was I saw how thick okay So I I start to see that then I start to see how thick the beard gets my beard will get really thick I'm also gonna post that on instagram on the christine and p you guys can see what I saw In the bowl when I went to go brush my teeth the other day half your dirty disgusting whiskers were in the bowl It but let me ask you I understand you take half the beard No, but but the thought doesn't occur to you like maybe I should maybe clean the whiskers I did I did eventually clean eventually. Yeah, I did okay if you go look in the sink

It's clean It doesn't make you sick to leave it there initially not initially because I'm not done yet See what happened was I did a pass on the beard and then I came downstairs And then I was like, ah, I gotta do the head now it went back upstairs I think you saw it in between the two Yeah, then I did the head then I cleaned up it was an all day thing because I was in the afternoon or the

Kind of afternoon. No, no, no it was both were in the evening. Oh, okay Okay, so you didn't notice the beard until you like I'm saying my beard change until you notice the head change So right so what you you call me upstairs and I'm already been drinking so I'm by drinking I mean I have my one glass and yeah, sure mom juice a little nosedive too Sure And so that's when you hand me the clippers and you're like Can you clean me up? And I'm like a no because the lighting is terrible. It's nighttime b. I'm already a little bit

Yeah, sauced. Yeah. Yeah, okay three I don't cut hair professionally. I can't do anything better than what you're doing. What is amazing is how badly You have adapted to just neck trimming over years. Like I have neck trimmers I have had to and on my neck trimmer, you know, it's just one of these like little The trimmer, you know, I mean a wall or something trimmer. Yeah, and you still Hold it backwards in the wrong way. I'm like look It's either like this or like this and I give it to you and I always see you go the wrong way

I'm like, yeah, how many times am I gonna ask you do you want to know why why because every time you ask me to do it I've already been drinking or it's bedtime and you're pulling me out of bed You pulled me out of bed last time eight months pregnant to do it nine months pregnant And and then you got mad at me that I didn't do a good job I was tired. It was almost asleep and you're like come trim my hair. Well Anyway, so last night I go and I look at your head and I see it in the in the dim bathroom I and I'm like, you got to see what you've been walking around with bro. Well walking around for an hour at home

Right, but still it's bad enough and I take a photo chunks just long chunks patchy Yeah, that's pretty bad. I know and then I'm looking at your beard even now And it's not good I got to be honest because listen just listen. It's patchy as fuck on the sides And then what and then you left a brussels beard like a schnauzer beard down here So this it looks like a goat looks good. It looks looks it looks like you cut a goatee on your beard It doesn't look good. Good people like it. Everybody likes that. I got compliments all day today Looks terrible. Everybody told me your beard looks so good. Now. How the fuck did you do this?

You did this with your dog clippers same thing with your head clippers. You do this with your beard. No head clippers I just threw on a different garden with yeah, it shows that you just You just willy-nilly you wiggled your wrist around Like that and now it's that looks awesome. Yeah, well, I'm uh Tell Alan to clean that beard up You really fucked that shit up. I did not really fuck that shit up. Come on It looks like you look like a morning julia in the front. I don't look like good morning, joe You've got the it's like a long schnauzer beard in the front flower my flower my everything

Me ain't you yesterday? I can't stop thinking about him. It's it's a maze. I can't stop thinking about joe Good morning, julia meeting you yesterday My soon-to-be my everything my soon-to-be my everything my flower Oh, the kiss is just so much so many great julias Me and you something else happened. Well a couple things first of all don't go back to your boyfriend We didn't do this on the podcast because I didn't know if it would be a bad idea to do on the podcast because of the reach of the podcast

which is We held a screening for instant family in thousand oaks Let me first of all my husband is very humble and sweet. Let me tell you what my husband really is saying That when the oak park shooting happened and then the fires happened it was horrible and My husband bought out A theater so that people could go see instant family you bought up all the tickets so that we could

Host a free screening for the community of oak park. That's what you did tommy because you're a sweet man. Thank you. Um What I was trying to say was that I did not do that I know I'm just being clear here. What I was saying was that I would charge people double What I did was I wanted to do it in that community, but I um, I only announced it on social media Right because I didn't know if we did it on the podcast So you have a limited number obviously of tickets for a movie screening, right? And if I announced it on the podcast I didn't want Like too many people to show up and be disappointed

Do you know what I mean? Because I felt like the podcast response would be even crazier. Yeah. Yeah. So I just announced it on instagram twitter And facebook and we held it on sunday and people came out. They were extremely Nice and grateful so nice. We met so many mommies such a respectful audience and you know Most of them came up to me and told me they enjoyed the movie and you know, it's well the movie is a well done movie for great movie um the uh Like for something like a family kind of and when you came on the screen everybody clapped. That was very funny Yeah, but that was people would clap when my name would come up and it's great when I would walk on the screen

They were like whoo like that. So that was very funny. Um, but thank you guys for coming out. I really enjoyed doing that. Um It was very fun. Actually, uh We had our friends come we yeah even in ila came. Yeah, cousin bri bri came Ryan sickler came sickle cell was there my friend stavo who plays uh, juan That's right. The movie was there and rena and matt came. Yeah, that was really fun. That was a good time Um, what else did I want to tell you? Oh? This other thing I mean has taken off

If you don't know over the weekend Garth's Notre Dame. Oh for fuck's sake. You're just gonna walk into this nonchalantly. I've been waiting all day Well, there's so many there's so many first of all I wanted to say that so much happened as the week was building up. Holy shit His instagram Is ruined over I didn't realize that there was one thing where I did where I go

I opened one of his posts and I go I want to scroll Through the comments see how long it takes to see a non Related comment. I couldn't find possible. It was just like scroll scroll scroll So I was like jeez. I was like 50 comments in nothing to do with him You know what's really great about our show and the people who listen to us. Yeah Is this it's the participation. I know it's the best and it's number one. There's nothing that there's so much fun We have a common We have a common target here. It's so fucking weird. All right. So here's an idea. So oh my god. He posts this about his

Christmas music thing with miss your wood miss your wood. He's like there's nothing better than spending christmas together, right? And then you open it up Hey hitler Well, you guys be performing the classmate christmas song machines within if not you guys should try it out keep them high and tight Right. No, there actually is a real comment one or two real fans Sweetest couple ever and then it says keep it high and tight hashtag dedication. You are not garith and trish doesn't look like either So That's one they've got to know by now. Here's his Notre Dame post gene high and tight. You want to move in you can move in

Try it out. Oh my god. It's just like it's just it's relentless fans of the podcast. I listen to troll Garth Brooks. So we're starting to pick it up I'm starting to pick it up. Oh Open your heart to me in your arms. Just like joe You don't need lube. You need spit You don't need spit. Oh my god. You don't need lube. You don't need spit. Oh, you don't need spit. Yeah, that's right Um, here's his anthology post. Well, it's official. We're on facebook I told gene he didn't believe me. He believes me now. It's just endless. It is endless

I mean every post to every single post is like this God, what the fuck is going on here? This girl wrote what is going on confused physical four strokes. What the fuck Uh, and then someone wrote he just wanted a poop through a hammock. I said, why not? It's just like the gaze That's their explanation to someone who's like, what's going on here? Oh Are you planning to release a b-side version of this album with just Trish blasting carts into the mic? And by the way every time I've seen uh, because I follow him I'll just every time a new post comes up

It's within seconds. It's completely completely Just getting pommel piss on me beat me. Try it out. People are asking him How often do you miss you would go full throttle? Jesus Yeah, it's endless. So if you really want to be amused by Who is julia? Good morning, julia I could see you use your lung disease as an instrument

Maybe even play machines within for the mommies that you're only takes four strokes Somebody wrote hundred dollars says garth is a ball hot and then there's the girl right not sure what that means I like the interaction of like the confusion Oh my god It's so good. It's so good God I got friends in mom's places where the genes are tight and burr is racist. That's hilarious Yeah, so if you really want to have a good time

Check that out. Um, oh god. No, but it's just it gets so that's just the beginning of my last few days with garth on instagram So he's been promoting the that cbs concert that aired on sunday night And let me just say it was the most unnatural Video, do you have that one? Can you pull that one up? Oh the one where he like introduces that he's doing a concert? Yeah, that's ridiculous. Are you kidding me? We're gonna fill this up Oh, yeah Okay, here's my problem again before anyone

Garth Brooks is undoubtedly talented and he makes millions of people happy with what he does We're not crapping on this guy His talent or anything, but the social media component needs to be managed where he's like Can you believe this? We're we're gonna fill this up like screams there But But what kills me is the fakes and the fake humble pie of it like We're gonna we're gonna feel it like of course you are your agent booked you in an arena tour Because you're gonna sell all these tickets asshole. He was doing all this promo

For this, uh, you know, because it was a seed televised event makes me crazy And I saw him doing this interview where he was like, well at first, uh, you know, you're scared Because uh, you're like, are we going to even Be able to sell that made tickets and he goes and then it's sold out an hour And then you're like so you're like you dick like Like I was so nervous between an hour later. It was all sold out. Well, it's yeah the fake luck I just can't I don't know if we're gonna be able to do that. I'm just happy anyone showed up. Just humble pie Like he's not the the number one entertainer of course in the world right now. Yeah

Such weirdness concert ever held at legendary Notre Dame stadium. Yeah, I got friends In Notre Dame stadium And the thing is too like doesn't he have other highly successful songs other than I've got friends Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, but I think that's that's the that's his anthem. That's the same joke over Yeah, I've got friends. Yeah in Notre Dame stadium. Yeah. Well, they have to do it's so weird To because you imagine like his uh, like his fans Obviously like his hardcore fans. I think that's a hilarious. That's a funny joke. Sure. Yeah, they're like ha ha because he's got a song called I Got Friends

Hey, jossi he did a joke about it like that Um, what's this? It's just so everybody go up first you're reminding you to tune into cbs this sunday Sunday eastern seven central right Don't miss live in Notre Dame. Garth Brooks. It's gonna be fun. Go before. Yeah, he just doesn't know how to do it Hey, everybody. I just gonna tell you. Yeah, he's so awkward. He's a great performer. Yeah, amazing. Just like a weird social media guy Yeah, really really weird really and How are we going? How are we gonna fill this up? But the thing that we all suspected Yeah

Is actually true. That's the last Time you're ever gonna see him Perform a concert because apparently it's all over It's all over. Okay, because this came out this morning. Oh, okay. This was on the news this morning. Okay. You want to see it? Yeah, I'm I'm upset. I'm upset already. I don't know what to expect down opposite Garth Brooks For this interview I wondered what he would tell me how hard it would be to get him to discuss his horrific crimes What I found was that he was very forthcoming. He volunteered details that may be difficult to hear I began by asking what he wanted from the men he picked up

It's hard to comment on anything they do because if you do that then you got a comment on the fact that yes You do have three arms and you just don't want to show the other way. That's why you killed them I'm the last guy that wants to see it over the greatest part is the fun of it But um, you know, your time comes and your time goes Almost two years ago in this little apartment in milwaukee police discovered the grisly remnants of one of the most horrible crime sprees in american history Confessed that he had seduced murdered and dismembered 17 young men He even ate some of his victims body parts. That was not my first choice. Basically. I wanted somebody that was thin beautiful and lots of hair

There it is. Wow, we knew it. We knew it all along That's surprising, but not surprising. Not surprising. He is a deadly psychopathic Of course, of course. Who made that one? Uh, magna meme one. I think magna meme one, right? I don't know if the one is there. Look look for me Yeah, wow. Great job. Great job at exposing the truth What a psycho that guy is. Yeah, he really has killed a lot of people. Goodness That was so funny. Yeah, no, it's just no one. It's magnum underscore meme. Okay, my bad instagram Again, I'll be reposting

All the ones that roll in because I posted the initial One of his horrible cbs and then I requested people make their own and remix them We can't often play it all because of the song but I can post them on social. So There you go. God damn. God damn. I'll also be posting tom's horrific hair Hairpicks. I did a good job. No, I did a good job I wish you would have respected how we go how we're gonna feel this big old old big old rena You know, some people aren't so happy That we tease garth. Did you know that? Oh, I bet

Some people are actually kind of upset. Okay Well What's up time sagora Ray Vernon Brooks the third Uncle garth called me up last night Said he's talking shit He's a big fucking funny man Messing with our ticket sales

Well time sagora and your wife Christina passers-ins I'm gonna tell you right now. I got a jar of peanut butter A bag full of broken glass. I'm gonna duck my knuckles in I'll find your time sagora. Look at me. I'm shaking. I'm so god damn pissed off right now I've got a game and don't tell me I can't It's pissed I've gotta get this dumb bitch time sagora messing with my uncle garth

He lost two ticket sales last week Two ticket sales down Ain't nobody coming to the big ass motherfucker stadium tour If time sagora keeps on running his mouth People are gonna so I'm gonna tell you one time time sagora You won't meet me in a dark alley or you could close your mouth about my uncle garth He's a good man with Jesus on his side And it's got a lot of fucking money

Piss me off no more time sagora Come on over pissing my mouth try that motherfucker This guy's a familiar. He's the same guy that did the good morning julia and he was all battered up Right where you get a black guy. He's related to garth. He's right. No, this is garth's cousin. Yeah, that's pretty wild Damn, yeah Sagra Yeah This is so bananas. What do you think people love so much about garth brooks? What is it?

He must be just it must be just dynamite fucking shows. It has to be I've heard people say that the live at the live show is amazing Oh, you have to like the music first like you have to like country or his country and then I see that he has Uh girls and like cheerleading outfits and they're shooting off guns of stuff You know in that cbs trailer that's cheerleaders probably because it's at Notre Dame stadium. Oh, right. So I imagine that's part of the fun Yeah, probably special for that, but I mean Generally speaking he just puts on a crazy show. Do you think he sells out more than like lady gaga? Uh, that's a good question. I don't know. I really don't know

I mean, I know the weirdest thing to me is that he's huge in ireland That's bizarre like huge Yeah He's he's so fucking famous over there. I'm like ireland. Really? Yeah, I don't I don't get it Lady gaga is, you know, definitely international superstars. So who knows but they're definitely both monsters I gave me so much joy is the weird his weirdness Uh, last week, you know, we had the um the guy

who Told you that like you you make my eyes a telescope. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah the homeless guy. He wasn't homeless Of course. He is. What are you talking about? But that guy's not normal. What? No, why would you say that? Because he looks homeless What no, he's definitely homeless tommy that guy was not homeless. You think he's like a doctor or something I don't know if he was a doctor a lawyer A lawyer was it last week or was it the week before? Uh, it's been like a couple weeks before. Yeah, you remember this guy He's like, no, I know he's super weird. He's like you uh, I turn into a telescope. Yeah

Stephen Uh-huh because honestly, there's really nothing that compares the black dude spitting game like they're they're the ultimate Right, you think? Yeah. Well for sure. Puerto Ricans too. Yeah, I don't know. I think I think brothers are the number one so cheese we have Uh a segment now racial is black dude spitting game. I love it. All right, so I need to fuck off So um, because it's just there's so many great videos of this I haven't seen this yet Just so you know a lot of times

A lot of times Neither one of us has seen we're we're seeing it the first time you're seeing it So I think some people think that like there are times. Yeah, there are times where I'll see a video And that I just want to like surprise you with it But most of the time I haven't seen the videos Then just let me be clear here You're running under the assumption that it's black guys who spit the most. Well, it's in a folder for me Oh, and it just says that

Well, it doesn't say that black guys usually spit the most game. I'm saying that this is a video about that. Oh Gotcha. Okay. I thought we were claiming racially that they had the best game. Well, that is what I'm saying Oh, okay video that I'm hoping supports that. Okay. Okay. Good. I'll see Another thing to point out quickly Stop fucking sending videos that you want on the show to anywhere but the email address. Oh, right I'm not going to open it. I don't watch them on instagram If you send it to me on facebook if you send it to me on twitter, no That's why we have an email address. We have a producer that reads these and watches these

So if you want it to play on the show your mom's podcast at gmail.com There's no house in that email address. Yeah, don't send it to my personal email too stuff for the show We don't play it. I don't you know, I think one out of 50 of those will make it like I have to happen to Open it and want it to move it forward. Just send it to him if you want it to play on the show All right, here you go Oh Well, I will say this that doesn't necessarily support what I was going for Uh, this guy is like mouth to mouth really close

and recording himself Uh, kind of whispering or singing. I will say he doesn't have the best teeth Um, and which kind of is a distraction about it Because he oh he has them but there's like they're not all there Well, and the ones that are there are like candy corn I did you wrong You take me wrong It's really bad. Okay a couple things this is not spitting game. This dude is just singing along to a song

He has four teeth Three are a different color Top teeth and he might have some more bottom teeth Um, but she's really into it. She's I think she really digs it. So who cares what we think exactly smelling She thinks he's the best they can't smell good that mouth can't smell that's a bad mouth That is a bad mouth But are you are you really objecting to the blanket statement black dudes spit the best I'm trying to think here's a deal And here's here's why I'm just wanting to challenge it a little bit

Okay, because I feel like Puerto Rican guys are up there too. Where do you think they got it from? From the black guys, of course You think they train they had seminars and they trained wasn't a seminar Just they just picked up on it black dudes definitely spit the most game. Yeah, of course That's true Because here's a difference I find that like when I was a single lady like I'd be walking through a parking lot just at like the grocery store Yeah, and a black dude would yell at me from like across the parking lot

Like what's up girl and like what's up red or whatever I got I read red hair or whatever your hair color is That's how they would yell at you. Sure And then they start talk talk of shit like You know across the parking lot the latino guy might latino guy might Actually want to be face-to-face. It's the interaction there's different degrees later. Yeah of skill just like in any sport Yeah, I mean the guy that yelled hey red. He might be an amateur Right, but you put a professional in front of you. Sure panties are coming off. Sure Oh shit

No matter what you say, no matter how far you go, don't take your time and wait because I love you because I want His mouth is so bad there's like there's also rotten parts there. Yeah, he has like dumb gum decay and It can't smell good She loves him. She really loves him a lot And he really really ruined my pitch I thought we were gonna listen to some of being like I turned it to a telescope again like that. Oh, right. Yeah whoof man I turned it to a telescope

You melt me every day. Yeah fuck Damn it. I've been looking at your picture. So long baby Yeah, that dude that dude has got Todd's his mouth thing is really I don't like it That mouth who the fucking blue man, why would you uh God, yeah, it's pretty no that guy needs dental surgery to yesterday. Yeah, bro Yeah, damn it

So upsetting So upsetting speaking of upsetting we were watching the shots of sunset last night on our bravo Yeah catching up. We have a lot of our favorite. We're catching up on And you got so upset. It was a message. This was getting married And I haven't seen you this upset in a long time on one of our shows You were like, I'm so upset right now. I'm so upset. What about her wedding upset you the most? Um I don't know. I guess I

And I guess in my core I like certain Levels of respect for certain events. Yeah, you know, so like I mean they even commented on one aspect of it During it. She's walking down the aisle. She stopped walking down the aisle to shake hands with people and say thanks for coming Like as she's walking down the aisle so I was watching like, what are you doing? She's drunk. She they were drinking a lot. Yeah, so and then Like she was like, oh my god, and she's like, I can't believe you're here and hey you came to this. Oh my god And like yeah walk down the aisle. That's for after the right. So yeah, she's plastic that I just started to cringe at I was like, uh

then It's their wedding and it's like this beautiful setup, right? I mean, yeah lovely decorations did a great job and then The efficient efficient says You know, whatever he says and he's like, will you take her and the guys like absolute fucking loot Lee? You know Do you want that for your wedding too? I don't know to me

I mean, these aren't it wasn't a punk rock wedding. It's like black tie It's a nice looking right And then oh my where I where I wanted to just crawl inside myself I felt cringier than watching my own audition was uh, the vows the vows exchange Yeah, well, they didn't write and advanced now. He said something like pretty Like decent, you know for his route. I'm not criticizing the You know the writing of it Like she kind of cut him off at one point, but he got out a nice thing and then she

bombed so hard and She started talking to other people And was like don't look over there. Do okay. Do you not want vows? Okay, I'm not going to do vows that like during the way I was like, I hate this It made me so uncomfortable It made me upset because it feels like a disrespect Of not only the event but like of the people there who showed up to come to your wedding

Yeah, the whole thing the whole thing made me a joke I think you and I are traditionalists in that sense. Yeah. Yeah personally and this is just me like I believe in wearing closed-toe shoes to your own wedding to your wedding. Yeah Okay, instead of like flip-flops. I know sometimes people wear flip-flops Well beach wedding that's different. You gotta wear them at the beach wedding. Yes But we let's just say we've attended a ceremony where oh, yeah, that was nowhere near a beach. No, that was weird That's weird. Yeah, we weren't even close to a beach. It was an indoor daytime affair

And everyone else I would say that the the audience was dressed more Dressed better than the groom. Yeah, he was wearing flip-flops. That was weird Flip-flops are basically not for most situations Correct, you know, they're the ultimate leisure wear. It's great. If you want to wear them To run errands or sure go to the beach, obviously, which which listen even as a city dweller Yeah, I don't really like wearing flip-flops in the streets. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, a little even like there's a lot of shit out there. There's when you see flip-flops and you're in hollywood You're like

I gotta tell you the grossest is flip-flops in new york city Yeah, well, that's what I'm saying. That's like hollywood. Basically, right walking the streets and you're like, dude This shit is nasty. Like there's fucking plague on the ground pretty much But how you know, I'm saying like half the respects. It's your one wedding day Vegas is hot as fuck. It's a desert Sure, but it's still like the them streets are nasty, bro Line to the vomit and garbage and you're walking around pretty much barefoot. Yeah, there's a very thin barrier Yeah, I think you and I are

Traditionalists when it comes to those types of things. I don't I don't like being too irreverent On solemn occasions. Yeah, like marriage baptisms things of that nature. Yeah, have some respect Who told me about somebody saying something crazy at a funeral too? Oh, yeah, no, we read it on this show We read it on the show It was a while back where somebody wrote in how they said that um as they were lowering a casket

um of a family member That the grandmother answered her phone. It was like, I don't know like around two. I could be there Yeah, sandwiches are good. Like just took a call. It was so weird during the funeral. I'm so bizarre. No, what are you fucking doing, man? Yeah, have some respect. I guess that's yeah, have a little fucking respect. Oh my god Speaking of respect. I have two incidences. I was at the Starbucks on my way home from mandiego and there was a chick watching a video Full volume full volume. Crazy. Just sitting at a table young 20 something. That's a lack of respect Nobody wants to hear your crazy video Secondly, there was only one bathroom at the Starbucks and I just don't believe in

Going in there and posting up and taking a huge shit when you know that there's one bathroom For the entire Starbucks population. Yeah, it's not fair to do that No, because there's a line that forms and then you know, like even on an airplane There's two bathrooms sometimes you run back. So you're like, okay, some guy's shitting here at star. It is shit fuel That's what it is. All it is. It's bowel and And urine maker. Yeah, it's bowel torture Yeah, and bladder torture and then they only give you one toilet to release it all

Code Oh, you know, a lot of those have a code. Do you know the code? I got a shit right now. The code is 911, bitch I gotta go now And then they're like, uh, the code today Today it's uh, it's one one. It's one eight one six. I should be try it try it. Yeah, and you're like, oh god I'm all you got to put pound. I think from before you do pound first one eight You're shaking and sweating trying to take a shit But what I'm saying is look if you got a shit you get in to starbucks, right?

You quick quick quick and then out, but I'm talking like this fool posted up You know, I'm saying and there's a 10 minutes of a shit. Don't do your 10 minute shit Oh, I know there's a lot of people that just abuse that Are you crazy and just I think they're just doing emails. Yeah, and he you know people are waiting asshole And they really got a shit. They really got a shit. Yeah, I got a shit piss Now second place is we were interviewing uh for a babysitter Farting loudly Anyways, so what I do is I you know interview people and I let them hang out with the kid with me around supervising

And see how they jive. So this person was in our home. Maybe a couple of hours And I come inside from being outside And she opens the bathroom door and there's this flushing sound and she says to me Oh, do you have a spray? And I the smell hits me and I'm like this bitch took a shit in my house day one Minute one bro bold bold Bold you can't just go to like a potential employers house. I got shit right now right now

No, how are you gonna bring your shit right before you got here? That's what I'm saying Yeah, you don't shit day like right away minute one at my house. You have a right to shit, obviously, but you know Why don't even know you it's a it's a bold choice because you're not gonna hold your shit in You know, but no, but I I know discreet about it. I can bring your own spray Jesus or I guess I just don't think I ordered this amazing spray shit in someone's fucking house that you don't know I ordered a spray that you're gonna flip out. Yeah, it's amazing. They had it at the gym Okay, this is the best spray of it's a shit spray. Well, yeah, yeah, but it's like it's not what you think It's not one of those big air. So it's just like a

But the smell is so the thing is we have another bathroom that has those sprays. Yeah There is a bathroom that contains those kind of fucking no wind of shit and when to keep your asshole closed Dude or at least courtesy flesh that the smell doesn't and it was nasty like she really shit Oh She really shit, huh? Oh, it's so nasty I don't know. I she's not gonna work here. Yeah, I know That's crazy man. How you shouldn't someone's house? You don't even fucking know them yet. Yeah, that's kind of wild um

Look the phenomena has also just exploded for us reviving this uh, good morning, julia Has just been such an amazing thing. Um And everyone's getting involved I can say that Um people that you don't expect And I want to give credit because we've made mention of this before That you know a lot of dudes are usually the ones that do Descend in a lot of their things, you know, it's a lot. It's a lot of guys

But the ladies They came through on this great. Let's see some lady julia's some ladies morning julia So here is Lacey Me joe Just wanted to say hi Wish you a good morning. Let you know that this car here that I'm driving Yeah, I built it myself

I fixed the heating the heating didn't work when I got the car, but it's like I'm really handy. So I was able to fix it Um, what else am I really good at? Oh fucking I know how to make a world come if you know what I mean What a five times minimum Think about it I realized too that there's there's got to be no one that

understands The creepiness of joe's thing more than women of course because you guys are the ones that get Bumbarded by the guy who's like, I know how to fuck. Yeah I want to be with you no matter what. Yeah, it's so nasty. Yeah, it's it's really it's never welcome And here's the thing the guy that you do want to date is it's never that guy telling you that stuff Right, it's always the creeper who you're trying right the guy that you do you wish would say that to you like probably You're not sure if he's gonna call, you know, but yeah, or he's just a regular. Yeah, he's never it's never a wanted thing Generally, of course when they tell you crazy shit like that. What's this here as christina

Good morning, juliet. It's me joe's ex-wife. You know, he's All about you and I just wanted to let you know that I have full approval on this That's a really great guy You know, he built this entire apartment for me after the divorce. He taught me a lot about ventilation Such a good guy. In fact, he built this entire apartment building after the divorce one-handed He damaged his right hand in a in a fight with my first husband, but you know what I had to deal with insurance money It's part of the past. You don't need to know about that shit. Anyway, so You know, I think you should try him out. I think you should go full throttle

I think that um, you know One thing about him is um, you got to make sure he takes his meds on time You know, that's one thing he's he's he's a guy of his pure heart But you got to make sure he takes his valium and his val tracks in his sink. Oh my god And if he's not you just give it to him on a piece of cheese. He'll never know The difference but I really think the two of you should go full throttle I really do and I think you both like gyms You know, I I hear you both

You both have a lot of similarities and um, you know, I think you should do it. Okay, so Yeah Go for this I just need to move on, you know what I love you get in the fuck out of my life. No shit That was no kidding a lot of fans he built that place one-handed Here is Rebecca. Good morning, Julia. It's me Joe Let you know that me and you yesterday It's the best day of my life You're so beautiful

precious flower I know this might be a little hard to hear for you right now, but what? I'm making a video for Julia You know what she really nails is the intensity the intensity. Yeah Because he's so overwhelmed. She was like doing the thing when she's over I'm saying it That's what made the eyes closed. Yeah, it's emotion. Me I love you

That's called a grounded performance. Yeah, I like it. Here's Good morning, Julia It's me Joe Just uh on my way to work here wanted to make you a quick video Just tell you how gorgeous you are. Oh god. It's good. Oh, so gorgeous Mmm When I sniffed your bike seat yesterday Oh my god the fragrance

Took me away All right, I'll see you later on I'm gonna pick you up for dinner That boyfriend's there. We're gonna have some problems Julia. Oh my god. We're gonna have some problems You don't want to mess with me when I'm full throttle Julia Oh, that's good. She got the creepiness down too real aggressive too the women the terrified Yeah, you know what the women nailed is the creepiness the intensity. Yeah. Yeah, yeah You're right that they they must feel that. Oh, we feel that. Yeah, they gosh. Uh, here's one more from Olivia Good morning, Julia

I miss you so much. I've been thinking about you every day since I met you and I've just You know, I wanted to get you something so I got you a dog, Julia I guess what I named her That's right. I named after you. So anytime you're not here. I can just come out and say good morning, Julia She can't wait to meet you. I know she already loves you so much just like I do. All right I love you Julia She nailed uh the psychotic Lost in love look like this is for you

He named the she named the dog Julia so she can see it keep saying her name Holy shit, um, I'll tell you something amazing here in one moment Amaze excited. Well, are you ready for The thing that we've been waiting for for a while. I'm dying. I finally can try to do it right now I'm dying. All right. We have been in contact With the Julia from good morning Julia. Oh my god, and I'm going to try to call her right now. Holy shit. Ready. I'm ready. Here we go Uh, hello Ah, hello. Good afternoon Julia

Hi, how are you? I'm great. This is Tom Segura. I'm here with Christina P and um We are so excited Julia so excited Um, thank you for taking the time to do this call Oh, yes, no problem. I am so I want to start with one thing first of all Uh, you know, we we didn't know that this when this was brought to our attention We didn't know that it was like a thing and then it kind of faded away and it was brought to our attention again We've been mesmerized by it and there's so many different stories about the origin

of of you getting This video Message on your phone people said, you know, it was a bar. It was a parking lot. It was the gym Can you tell us how this actually came about? Yeah, so this took place. Actually, it was about three years ago. It was in 2015 Okay, um, I was going to the gym not to work out but to tan and um I plan to finish one of the things you have to do is you sign in Okay, so I go and I sign in 15 minutes goes by you know, I walk out and it's pitch black out

I'm walking to my car to hear my name Julia Julia. I turn around and like what the hell So I start kind of walking slowly back over to this voice. I heard and as I Reach this man. He's older. Um, probably 20 years older than me. I'm kind of like, all right And he's like, oh Julia and I was just like, yeah, do I know you? And in my head I'm thinking maybe it's you know, a friend someone who works there. I have no idea So he goes, oh, I thought you're really beautiful and I had to talk to you I looked at the sign and sheet and I had to wait till you came out just to say hello So I'm standing there like, oh my god

No one's in the parking lot I'm like terrified and I'm just like, okay, let's you know, let's get this going So, you know, he's like, oh, you know, can I can I take you out for dinner or drink some at the time? I was uh, still kind of talking to an ex-boyfriend and I was like listen, you know, I'm still talking my act I'm hoping something works out Um, so probably not as you're saying that to him though You're basically just trying to like ease this guy down You're like, I I'm talking to my like you're trying to be sort of diplomatic to let him know that

You know, I'm not trying to be rude, but I'm not interested right? It sounds like that Yeah, exactly exactly You mean things that normal human beings pick up on I got it. Okay. Keep going Sometimes um, so he's saying, oh, you know, let me let me get your number So my phone's in my hands. I'm kind of just like, all right You know, I don't know what to do So I just kind of handed him thinking let me get his number So then he doesn't have mine

Okay, I'll me so instead of just putting his number and he calls with my phone his phone Fuck Joe's no newbie Yeah, yeah Smart man So a day or two goes by and I'm driving to work and I get a text and I'm looking at something You know, who the hell is this? It's not there. No text. It's just a video message. No So I opened that video

And I am mortified It's 6 30 in the morning. I'm like what the hell what so I didn't tell it I didn't tell anyone so I had um at the time three girl roommates I told no one for about a week and a half two weeks because I was just like, oh my god I can't believe this happened. Oh my god. So I get another video a few days later. So like what the is it? The car is that the car one? The car the car one. Yeah, this is like my flower my soon to be my everything Yes, yes

So I um, I respond and I said, oh, you know, ha ha like, you know, still not interested Um, so lo and behold, I end up telling my friends one night when we're drinking and I'm just like and you show You guys something really freaked me out and they're like, oh my god. This is hilarious. You should put it on the internet You're like, I'm scared to death Yeah, I'm like, I'm so scared. I'm like, you know, have you seen my date line? Like I don't want to go missing And they're just like no, no, I'm like, he's like my dad's age and I'm just like You know, I feel bad. I don't want to embarrass anyone Right. So time goes by my friends share with other people. So I start, you know, everyone just made a joke at it

I got videos from my friends, you know people text me. Good morning, Julia Uh So a year a year goes by And I get a text from my one of my friends and I don't have twitter Which he does and she goes Someone fucking posted your video on twitter and I was just like no way I was like no way So that's how that whole girl who went to the bar in chicago met this creepy guy named joe uh, How that rumor got started. Okay. So my roommate had she was like, I'm getting I'm gonna tell everyone I'm just like, okay

I don't care. Do whatever you gotta do. Um, whatever So video dies down again until you guys came across it. So I have no idea who sent it to you And the other day one of your fans messaged me. Not sure how they got my instagram message either They're just like, you know, we found you and uh, you know, I think you should get to the bottom of it And you should call them and I was just like, you know, why not? It's been three years Oh story out there. Thank you so much. Julia. I gotta tell you. Have you seen Have you seen um, the fans? Have you seen the fans making their versions of good morning, julia videos? Oh my god, yes, they're hilarious. Yes, and there's so

We just got through playing six more that were submitted all by women. So it's women's women's versions of it And it's really hilarious. I mean So that's great now Back to the to the so this guy You oh, so you told him like, oh my x and i blah blah. So that's why he was bringing that up Did anything ever come about like did you ever run into him again at the gym or anywhere else? Um, I stopped going to the gym shortly after that actually because I didn't want to run into him So I ended up switching gym. Yeah

um my Yeah, um, but I did find out one of my friends was Like, you know, I'm curious if we have a facebook. So we took his number We put it into facebook and his profile showed up and she goes. Oh my god. I went to high school with his kid Now she's about I'm yeah So i'm 28 hours about 25 at the time. She was 19. She was wait. She was in high school with his kid No, his kid. Yeah. Oh, he is a kid. Yeah with his kid. Oh my god. He's 20 years older than julia Yeah, oh my god. Yeah, so he's definitely a little bit. Yeah, exactly

Now most importantly julia like no way Did you ever have him do the crown molding in your house? Yeah, what about ceiling fans? Do you like his ceiling fans? You know, I have some ceiling fans in my closet right now that need to be put up. So I might give him a call The funny, you know, I gotta say it's like It is you know, I There's things to laugh at in the video obviously It's so ridiculous, but then I do kind of feel badly for him because I see how Desperately

It's all you know, it's unnatural to express that level of love for somebody you just met but he's just mesmerized by He's mentally ill. He's psychotic Yeah, it's psychotic and I tell you I'm not I'm not You're not what you going? No, no, you go julia. I'm not really quite. I'm not quite sure You know, I'm not really quite sure because it's not like it was like a good day that I'm out of like out at the bar Like I was literally hair up looking like a mess coming from tanning like Yeah, so I kind of took as a compliment, but I mean, he knew what he was doing because at the end of the video when he said, you know, I hope this video didn't scare you

I was like, oh, that's right That always stood out to us He knows and I'll tell you what's really great about this julia is that Because we've exposed this guy for a creeper. It's not fair. First of all, yes We have empathy for him, but it's not fair that you've had to change your life That's true and go to a different gym and yeah, because this guy doesn't know how to fucking reign it in And he's he's an adult He has a kid is his kid by the way a girl. Is it a daughter?

Um, I think he has to from what I remember I think he has to win I think one the boy won the girl I'm not quite sure. Well, good. So he's a great example for both quite sure I know that when our sons reach a certain age when our sons reach a certain age I will play that video and be like don't ever do this to a girl. Okay Um, yeah, it's great But I would encourage all the women listening to send us your videos of guys being creepy because this should Stop it's not fair that she has it's not fair. No, it's not scares her. It's it's not course. No, it's not cool at all You know, I always found it funny because people were before the story came out people were like hating on you know

Hating on me and it wasn't even me who was posing Oh, she would have been younger Or if the guy would have been if the guy would have been younger and you know Like more her type and she would have loved it and I I always disagreed with that. I think that I I can't think It's to come up to me at the bar and it doesn't matter the age Or who he was I think it was that that's too much. Yeah But I come to be up at the bar hitting on me I'm giving them the exact same reaction that I would give Joe. It's not that he's you know older than I am

And no, I you know, it's a big deal. It was creepy. Yeah, no creepy and it was just too much His game is all fucked up So funny, you know Hey now I wish I wish someone would build build me a house now, but Yeah, I mean the thing is too, it's like there's uh, there's we were just talking about the fact that The person that you want to send Their love video is never the person that's like, you know, I mean like if you saw like whatever the hottest guy ever is to you He's never gonna send you a video like that. That's the guy who you never, you know, he probably doesn't call because it's just

Out of his realm to do that Now what about dating now Julia? Are you are you a single lady now scared off of men? No, I'm not um, you know, my boyfriend's no Joe. Yeah, but he's a good guy. Yeah. Oh good We've been we've been together. We've been together a while. Um, it's actually funny the the acts that who I had been Upset over at that time actually wanted to get back together if eight years later And I was like, nope, you know, that's over. That's over. So Everything everything ends up uh What is your current boyfriend think of all, you know, this nonsense? Is he amused by it? I'm amused by joe or what?

Oh man when I first showed so he's been around probably, you know, two and a half of the three years that's been going on He thought he thought it was hilarious when he first found out and he he was he always said he's like, oh, yeah You know go go talk on the show about it reach out because it was going around a few You know a few different places and I was just like, I don't know. I don't know. So what I told him about you guys Yeah, just do it do it Now would you say that would you say that you and your current boyfriend are going full throttle or are you guys kind of like You know You know, I shouldn't embarrass him, but I'd like if we went full throttle a little more

Oh Wait till he finds out we better get on it before you get more videos So can I ask you to where where is where is joe from? Where is this region? I mean give us general the general region Uh east coast east coast. I would say jersey. No, I'm thinking he's north central north central east east area Okay, we don't want to give you if I know I don't I don't need to know to find me no No, no

But uh, okay, that's about right. Yeah, that's about right. Well, look, um, I gotta tell you Oh, go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead No, I was gonna say I think it's acting kind of gives it away. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, just making sure Yeah, um, yeah, it's it's not Birmingham, Alabama Um, but look Julia, we so appreciate you Calling in giving us the real story Putting the bed the rumors Letting us know how this really happened

We're huge fans of yours and um of this amazing Video that I'm sure at moments terrified you but thankfully we can all have a good laugh at it now Um, thanks for taking your time. Anything else you want to add Christina? No, I'm just I'm happy that you're going full throttle with a new man a new man Um respectful and I'm sorry that that happened to you. Yeah, yeah, we're sorry on behalf of all men I'm sorry that happened to you But I'm I'm glad that you survived and we can have some fun with it now. Yeah Oh, yeah, no definitely not me

I like I said it cracks me up all these videos I keep saying and yeah, I like when I'm driving to work and I'm like miserable like waking up or I'm just kind of like listening to I'm getting a good laugh So it starts my day off well great. Well, listen to this uh to this episode because It has like I said all women doing their good morning julia's and it's it's pretty amazing Oh, that's awesome. All right. Thanks so much julia. Take care. Goodbye, julia Bye There you go me and you yesterday you on the phone was the greatest I'm gonna start texting her all the time. Good morning, julia

Do you think her friends just do that relentlessly? Of course? I would never let it end like it hasn't stopped in three years No, they started it probably started to fade and then when this came back they were like it's on They were like I was waiting for this to come back Well, because we've been saying it to each other when we wake up in the morning. Oh, yeah Baby julia when I'm on the road every morning. I see good morning julia from you. That's what you text me every morning my flower My everything. Um, all right. Well, we have uh Some more stuff lined up. Let's uh, let's let's grab our boy here and get this going. This is so fun

All right, that was such an amazing call with the real julia from good morning julia and do unbelievable to unbelievable Demand and requests. We did it It's up in the store now There are let's go full throttle and good morning julia shirts with ceiling fans And here's what we did both men's and women's cuts a lot of women have asked For uh, some of the shirts to be in women's cuts. So we did it There's black. Let's go full throttle and there's gray. Good morning julia. Of course both have joe's trademark ceiling fans So go to uh merch method.com

Slash tom sigura merch method.com. Don't forget to do your Christmas shopping this year on our store Why not get the jeans in your life? And uh, gene a jesus war jeans sweater Yeah, and as of this recording by the way, I should tell them that I haven't um confirmed But I know that it's shipping is in route We I had these amazing posters made for the Philly shows and there's a little bit of overstock So I'm having them sent to our store So check back at merch method. I'll post it on instagram and stuff, but they'll go quickly

They always go quickly If you were at the any of the philly shows or you just like the original artwork This one has me as a barista killing guy. Oh, that's great. It's really funny. So yeah, I think I have writer die shirts too Don't I on your yeah, you have writer. Yeah the tour shirt. Check that one out. It's hilarious. It's me as a gang banger chola Yeah, and you can still it's december 4th as of this recording meaning you're probably hearing this on the 5th or 6 um You can still get some of that christmas stuff probably in time for christmas if you order now there's the uh jesus war jeans um sweater

And then there's the santa wares jeans hat And these there's our ornament bunch to the stocking in the ornament I love it and don't forget your fgt rtd socks. Yeah, the socks came those are fantastic for girls that ride till death That's right. I also I mean look and don't forget your classic shirts a lot of times I see you guys wearing your uh double pipe classic shirts. I see a lot of just glass and shirts Those are my favorites. I love the jean sweatshirt. That has always been my favorite. It was restocked It was restocked. I'm telling you it's so nice and soft and it just fits just right. It's my favorite thing You're right

Just uh and then also there's so many good things if you're a fan of your mom's house. Here's our our um christmas bundle And then oh the jean here's my writer die shirt Men's and women's and the jean beanie jean beanie Yeah, I gotta wear that to a judoic titties and filly this and we restocked the home here now And don't forget your bikes. That's the one of the first shirts that started this whole store actually that is true bikes, but the um, you know that I went in there and the um Our rep at merch method. Yeah was like when I opened the file That said piss on me and be

She goes I was certain that it would not sell I really thought you'd lost your mind And she goes and then it sold out Piss on me and beat me and I go I go we have a really amazing fan base. She goes. Yeah. Yeah She goes. Yeah, I saw piss on me and I go this this let me see that shirt we go down It's done. Oh that one this one wait, but that there's also one with just the word That's your face with your mouth open as if to say piss in my mouth. Oh, no, let's try it out Oh, the try it out. These are four strokes. Yeah, there's the motor four stroke and the golf four stroke Yeah, just glass and water champ

RTD and ymh black hoodie zip up standard that's ball hog. Yes. Here's the um, oh, yeah, see look look at the socks Yeah, sold out piss on me. She goes I the piss on me socks came in. I was like, he's not gonna sell these sold out Blessing blessing in the skies shirt from my first. Yeah special these. Let's see. This is great. I'm making fitness Yeah, the women's ones so many great. It's all there great things we have in the store So many great t-shirts from the show surprise your loved one um Well, look last time Last time we learned about some of the dark webs most disturbing pornography

And this time we're gonna learn more. I have with us a friend a great comedian. You may have seen him Um on the road by himself or you may have seen him with me He's come with me on a lot of shows on the last tour. We will be together Coming up in I think is it san francisco san francisco is coming up. It is the great and hilarious josh potter Hi What's this one? That's just the josh's trademark sound. It's a woman crying. Yeah So josh introduced us to a segment that we like to call the dark web. Okay. This is the dark Yeah, hello everyone, how are you?

Josh is the authority on all things darkness. It is it josh is really great at this stuff. Um, I've always You know, I've had the uh They the the conversations with him about you know, all this Crazy stuff on tour and I knew we were kindred spirits when we would connect talking about weird things and fun things But he he really knows this stuff, you know, he does and yeah, I try Yeah, he talks about that diaper last time And we learned about and word porn it was great. Anyway. Oh, yeah Yeah, um go back and get that one a listen. Yeah, if you haven't heard that one look up last time josh was here

So this time gene I said josh, let's go. Let's do a deep dive last time it was pornography What have you got for me this time? I'll let him introduce it josh. What what are we talking about today? Well, I thought this would be sort of a public service for you christina. Oh, thanks. You think tom's gonna murder you probably at some point. Yeah, that's like a possibility. Yes Well, today we can compare him to some past serial killers. Okay And we can see some similarities perhaps Maybe some differences. Maybe you'll be Maybe some differences. Yeah, maybe you know a few here. Yeah, maybe you'll be calmed after this like oh, I'm not gonna get murdered

Right. Thanks. This is I appreciate this josh. Yeah, no problem Um, josh, who should I pull up first? Well, I brought three cases with me today. Maybe you're familiar with some of them Maybe you're not only honestly only one of the well, sorry One of the names is vaguely familiar and then one of the monikers. I'm familiar. Yes. Okay. So you're pretty well versed already I thought I was pulling some obscure. No, this is it. I don't know a lot about this. Okay. He's cool Well, let's start with good old. This is recent by the way. Robert Picton. Okay, aka the pig farmer killer Oh god, aka pork chop rob Well, he has the same beard shaving technique that my husband does that's a similarity that haircut too

I probably could this front is pretty much gone. Yeah, I could grow the back out ever think about that Um, I don't know. That's kind of an interesting look I will say um from this profile. It's uh, you know, not the worst-looking guy I mean, he's not the most handsome man I've ever seen there are women Almost a hundred that would agree with you. Holy shit that many what well pork chop rob here Would you guess that he's a millionaire really what he's a millionaire from which is the most fascinating farming

Well, yes, it's from owning a farm. His parents had owned this farm for a hundred years And they bought it for 13 grand in like 1963 and then in 1994 He's found out the farm was worth 7.2 million dollars. Oh my life So he sold portions of it here and there every couple of years Keep that fund for millions of dollars and uh, needless to say the farming went to shit They weren't really doing that anymore, but he's still had a lot of hogs On the farm including a 600 pound bore that would like patrol the farm and and bite and things Did he put his talents into another field when it wasn't farming? Did he do other things? In fact, he did

He uh made a non-for-profit organization out of his farm called the piggy palace good times place And it was a society that would hold events and parties For organizations, so that that farm of his Became a party zone. Can I pull up this farm? Yes, of course. Yes. This is what the farm looked like Very vast that barn right there held many parties for Vagrants and sex workers and hell's angels lots of cool rad people were partying With the piggy palace boys

And our man here, uh, what's it the pork the pork man pork chop rob dog pork chop rob His target though was ladies. Yes ladies of the night sex workers in particular And uh, when you would hold these parties, of course, it would attract those people They would come and do drugs and drink and then he would Rape and murder them Subsequently, yeah, so eventually one of the workers of the farm kind of noticed, you know All these women that are coming around here seem to go missing So something's up and uh, eventually

Uh an investigation was held. This investigation was so thorough. They called it the ground zero of canada Wow, because they had to bring in heavy machinery excavators Things of that nature so that they could find human remains and they hadn't had an undertaking quite like that Since okay ground zero In 9 11. Oh my god Because there were very few remains left you see what rob did the reason he is the pork shop king Is because he would feed the women and there remains two the pigs and then

He would take the pigs And make bacon and things and sell it to the public. Oh my god. Did you know about this tom? No Why are you laughing psycho? It's pretty crazy. Yeah, that's terrible. There was a neighbor who was like I bought bacon from that guy all the time And now he has to live with himself that he ate basically. Yeah a lady. Could you imagine just going about your day? Wow, so he would kill dismember and then feed that to the pigs right and then Murder the pigs and make bacon. Yes. Really great way to get rid of evidence. Yes. I was gonna say he's kind of brilliant, right?

I mean, I mean he's a million. Yes The thing is that's a good thing about capitalism. You can always exploit something to your advantage We've talked about this forever. What's the best way to dispose of a body? And I think we found it now Feeding it to the pigs and then selling well, we have some clips. Yeah, they they can so they convicted him of 27 murders That's a lot right in this clip He adds to the number a little bit Okay, so this is uh

This is him in he's already he's in a jail cell in a his cellmate has been undercover for months Embedding himself in order to get a confession out of him because like I said this investigation at the farm so thorough And also not really raising a lot of answers. They're spending millions of dollars to investigate And so they need to this guy to get a confession. Josh really are you really are the darkest motherfucker? I know let's uh, how much knowledge you have let's let's uh, let's watch these clips. Tell me what's going on here. Jesus Christ Well, it's kind of inaudible there, but right saying that he's that he got sloppy Yes, he got sloppy at the end and he's lamenting in that fact. He's saying, you know, I if I would have

Kept my shit right and tight. I would have fucking murdered more bitches, you know Yeah, and the officer is saying But he's like, oh that's fucked up and stuff. Yeah, he's not doing a real good job the officer Yeah, he wanted one more he said he could so he confessed to 49 and he wanted one more to make an even Make the big five zero. Yeah So like Floyd Mayweather when he went did his fights. He's like 49 and oh, right sound as nice as Yeah, get that 50 you get that big 50 spot half a hundred Yes, gotta be a thrill to do this. All right. Here's let's see. Do you want to stop so you can go relieve yourself in the bathroom?

This is as early 2007 here. Oh Jesus That's That's right officer. Yeah, that is math. That's good math. Yeah, they're just kind of reconfirming. He's like, yeah, man Fucking imagine if I'd gotten 50. Yeah, so he's just like, man, I'm a real cool dude. I could have got 50 He's trying to talk to the officer like he's one of his Yeah The Yeah, that's a theme that we'll carry on through all this by the way is uh

Injecting women with I didn't you know, you wonder how do they kill them? Do they strangle them stab them and stuff Turns out a lot of them were just injecting things like antifreeze into their veins or windex was used often And he's like in five to ten minutes. They're dead. That's all it takes. I didn't know that. I didn't know that You might want to write that one down. I don't write that down God damn you. What did you find this footage? I didn't know that Josh, this is your gift is fighting this footage You gotta read this audience yeah, I know they can't hear anything So he's saying the killer saying another party says, yeah, I mean

All this all they fucking got a lot of stuff on me um And then the officer says No, no shit, hey, yeah Canadian that's that's that's what that's That's why it's what is it not part of it? I don't know. Oh because well, what's happened Like I said, he was convicted of 27 murders. Oh, so he's saying like that's why it's here. He's admitting He's like, that's why you know, I I killed way more

Yeah, but it's not part of it because they don't know but I got sloppy at the end so they found some Oh So now they're going after him for even well, he's dead. He got he he died. He's dead. He died naturally. Sure. Yes Or did somebody kill him? Oh Shit, I should have that's one part. I didn't let's look it up. Hold on. Let's see Well, that's tragic. Huh? Are you really sad that that guy is dead? Tom? I'm not sad Um, he died at 69

Hey, hey nice age. Hey And I'll have you know that uh farm is being made to a children's park now Is that right? Is it really? Yeah, seriously morbid thing to do, right? Jesus Christ Well, you know that murder land is discount land Uh one time I had lunch at the guy who bought the charles manson murder house He ended up being a television producer Anyways, he got it at a significant discount because those manson murders the charon tate murders happen there Was he stoked that that went down there? Yeah, I mean not stoked

But he was like, oh it was cheaper because no one wanted to live here. I'm like, yeah, no, shit Also had to change the street address That's terrible, tom. So how hard are you right now having watched that? Well, I'm glad there's a desk here. I'll just say that Um, hmm These next fellas. Thanks, josh. These ones you might remember from your childhood. No, thanks. Hold on one second I just wanted to see if we had God, you're so terrifying potter It's I'm just I'm just looking to see like what his cause of death, but I I can't really see

It's just evil, baby. No, I just wanted to see if there was if he was if he himself was Killed, I don't think they have death penalty in can they don't I meant like an inmate or something. Oh, I see I see But somebody injected him with windex. He probably died of some cardiovascular thing eating all that pork Right, actually it doesn't show that he's dead. Oh, okay. So he's not dead. He's not dead. He could very well be living I mean this again happened. He was put in jail 10 years. You know, it's not fair though He's got life in prison. Yeah Why is that not fair? I mean, I mean

You know, like I wanted to give the guy a shot to get out there and make something Yeah, no rehabilitation I've been saying that for so long that the prison system does not rehab criminals enough It's crazy. Right. This guy's just a lost cause. Yeah, but he is super smart I mean his whole scheme was really intelligent. Yeah, right to set up a non-for-profit to hold parties to get I mean good on him for having that shithole farm and getting a bunch of hookers to come hang out That's true. I mean, he was getting laid a lot, you know, so I mean maybe not take it as far as Murdering them. Yeah, he was definitely getting his dick. But then again when you murder them, you know, have to he's saving money too

They didn't think about it. It's making money. He's making money because then he's gonna sell the bacon later Oh, right. No, he's gonna feed them to the pigs and then he's supplementing that pork meat Yeah, so he's getting more out of the pig guys. I win win guys a smart guy Take that away from who we have next these ones like I said, you might remember this from your childhood Because these dudes were chilling in LA. Oh the night stalker. No. No. Oh god. These are these are the hillside stranglers Yes, yes, you aware of them. Yes. Look at those two cool. God damn it These guys actually they they did all their dastardly deeds here in LA. Yeah, but they're from where I live western new york Uh, Rochester, New York is where they were born. So there you go product of

Rochester, New York right there. That's kind of Bianchi and angelo buono They seem like empty dark eyes here. No, and this guy seems like he's got a good sense of humor. He's a real that guy I mean, they're both Real Pieces of shit. Yeah, the guy on the right He's described as a or self described as a world-renowned car upholster Oh, yeah, which is actually I hate this segment pretty much Goes with murdering people. I mean, you got you got a real poster of your car

So what was the what was there? So they were western new york guys Well, kenneth there was getting into a lot of trouble out in western new york and he thought I got to get out of here. I got to find a new life So he hooks up with his cousin angelo there who lives in LA and who's uh, A real to do out here a real mover and shaker, you know really holster in cars. Oh, right Uh, he's a real ladies man apparently And so when they arrived they started, you know hanging out together they decide, you know, since angelo is such a ladies man Why don't we prostitute women? Oh, right

Natural make some money way to go. Yeah, so they started doing business savvy guys Exactly these guys are trying to make a quick buck and uh, they know how to do it and so eventually they start pimping out women and uh Why why do the sex workers always get it? You know what I mean? Those are nice ladies Those are nice ladies just trying to make money and then they get right on time again I would date a sex worker over a regular girl. Of course hands down Well, why is your reasoning? Because I feel like I have the right frame of mind. I don't get jealous. I wouldn't like bother

I think you would actually you would be great. Yeah, you'd be great for dating like a porn girl Dominatrix, you know this about him already like what would he oh, yeah Why because he doesn't want to because some of the things he just said I think he would be like really he's the guy who wouldn't be bothered You know, he'd be he's supportive. Yeah, right? He wouldn't be weird He'd be jealous I do not get jealous and like even on a lower level like a bartender or like a hooter's waitress or something I I would love to watch them work and like pray on some dude and be like flirting with him just to get their cash And then we take their cash home and like smoke weed and watch netflix. You know what i'm saying

It's kind of a cuck thing. He like it's not a cuck thing because it's not like i'm getting off on it But I can just accept that that he rolls with it. Yeah, I can accept that that's the way they make money Yeah, and they can separate that from Them loving me joe's joe josh is also uh, uh low maintenance and adaptable. Yes, so like Whatever the circumstance is he's just gonna go with it. I'm like water baby. I flow He flows he flows But I am I would like a sex worker just because I imagine they've seen it all they've done been there done that They're probably really sympathetic kind. Yeah. Yeah, of course. Yeah, they have been through everything, you know

Yeah, so he would be a good match on that level and then every once in a while he'd be like, you know Uh, why don't you eat my scrum and she'd be like, yeah, yeah, she'd be no baggy and she'd be like i'm the best at that Right. Yeah. Yeah. Nothing phases that chick. No, no true and into what your point is no one really Gives a shit about the sex workers, right? And that's why these two dumb dumps got away with shit for so long Because it wasn't yes, there's one of their dead holes. Oh, jeez Okay, thanks, josh. No problem strangled body. Yes, they found this body I forget which where that one was found because they were littering them throughout l.a. County And uh, they were found on the same days. When did this happen? Is this the 90s? This is the 70s

Oh, the 70s late 70s and it wasn't until they raped and murdered two non-sex workers That uh, people started giving a shit people were like, hmm And then they kind of connected the dots from there and was it uh, was the non-sex workers like girls They met at a bar kind of thing. Uh, no, they were 12 year olds Oh, no What's the rfd line? Is that a bus line? Do you know that? Oh rtd. It used to be yeah, the rapid transit

I wasn't sure if that's what that meant or if it was like a short bus or something No, it used to be our bus system and then I don't know what would they call it now rtd. But yes, they found them Uh, they got off a stop there last they were seen and then they were getting into a car driven by one of these dudes And uh, that was the end of them. That's when people started sniffing up those kids though. Yes Yeah, yeah, but to them it was almost the same thing. These guys were the typical guys that like Once their pimping business Went dry. They're like these fucking whores. No one cares about them, right? I bet no one would care if they went missing and then they started like laughing about that

And then they started cruising around in their car posing as undercover police officers. That's how they would oh my god Yes, they have fake badges. Oh my god And then how did they get caught? They got caught because they were just sloppy. They were littering these bodies about no one really connected the dots Until they murdered those two Non-sex workers and then they were kind of like how this is similar to this and this and this and then through their one of their Attempted victims. What was this chick's name?

It was the daughter of an actor It's uh, oh my her name is kathryn lore baker. It's peter lores daughter Oh my god So they attempted to kill her and they abducted her and everything And they aborted it because they found a picture of her on her father's lap and they're like no shit You're peter lores daughter. I love him. They let her go. What? Oh my god They found a picture of her on her father's lap like in her belongings

And they recognize her father as a celebrity. It was peter lore from from m is for murder or whatever Oh, he's great. Yeah. I love this guy because he played like a killer or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Also now now. I'll have you know. I know this is a running theme I can cry these two fellas had their own ride or die an fgd rtd. Yes Really victoria comptons her name. There she is This woman was so in love with kenneth bianchi. Oh my god that She once they were captured and they were in jail and on trial She attempted to lure and uh kill a woman in a motel

To make it look like the hillside stranglers were still on the loose and what and kenneth even gave her some Dude from jail's jizz to plant so it looked like a rape And she was about to do all that but she fucked up. She fucked up. Yeah, she got caught But did she kill someone? No, she got caught like it wasn't a test. She fucked it all up. Wow got got caught for it It was an attempt. Yeah, I tell you it's it's now you wouldn't do those things. It says that she attempted to strangle Yes, I I never understand what the the attraction is. Is it Women who like that kind of power that the serial killer has I don't know. Is it is it the the perception of yeah, like strength and power

Because a lot of women like charles manson. He had a wife before he died. I think it's celebrity. It's celebrity Yeah, richard of mirrors the richard of mirrors, right? Yeah, the the night stalker. He had chicks into him Even like uh, the dude who shot up aurora movie theater was like chicks were sending him nudes and stuff in prison Manson all the girls were in love with charles manson, even though he didn't technically murder anybody right tom You're always bringing that point up to me. No. Yeah, he told people. Yeah, but they followed his orders, right, right, right, right I mean bad guy worse guy. I don't know. There's worse guys Um, well, but yes victoria comedy Would you wouldn't do any of those things?

No, no not for time. I throw that in jail. She's still alive by the way Do you think we could at least send her a shirt and fgt rt. Oh my god. She deserves it if anyone does she's the real deal She's the og fgt rtd Man, I mean, yeah, who's jizz would you plant on a person if you're gonna frame them for murder? Who's evil? You'd have to extract the jizz too. Oh, how do you even yeah, how do you do that? How do you extract it? Yeah, how do they She's like asking wow. Yeah, like what did they do to get it? I mean, I know this guy

He got some random dude in the prison's jizz She probably paid him money for it. I was like, yeah use my 22 I know Pack of smokes. I'll jerk off into this cup whatever you need You know, he probably lured him with like I just like to drink it. Will you just leave it in a cup for me? Yeah, I'm not gonna put this in a body There's no way he was like what I'm gonna do is smuggle this jizz. Yeah here. Yeah, have it planted on some But think about the logistics. How do you smuggle jizz out of a prison? Oh, there's tons of ways. I mean, what?

Josh, what are you talking about? The people smuggle all kinds of shit out of prisms Knives and guns and dope. I guess jizz is a liquid. I mean you can smuggle it. You could just like smuggle it in your mouth and then transfer it Like in a Dixie cup or something and he's like snowball it out. All right guys. Okay. Dope. There's tons of ways. Okay. Well Interesting. Well, um, thank you. What a what a ray of sunshine you've been there's a Jesus now There's one more this gentleman is my favorite. I hate the segment right now. You see now Can we get back to filthy porn? I'm so terrified right now. It's terrifying. It's scary. This is not Christina crying. That last one was pretty that was pretty bad I'm so scared. This guy is

Now, I mean, I don't even know if I want to tell you about this guy anymore Sounds like it's gonna be bad. This guy. Albert fish is his name. Oh, look at that guy. You think oh, no He could make some great youtube videos if he had it back in the day, right? Holy shit imagine that guy asking you to come over and piss on him and so Ah Empty in there. Oh, you have no fucking idea. He's full but not with a soul He looks like a refugee. This gentleman is a child rapist and cannibal great next. I can't hear this shit I'm a mother of two. You know that I can't even well. What's that? Oh, no that

What is that this guy Has a fucked up life. Okay. He was born into a terrible home. His mother was an alcoholic a prostitute and She sent him away to an orphanage where he was beat by nuns and shit because it's like the 1800s And he started to enjoy the beatings a little bit too much So as he grew up This guy even got married had kids had six fucking kids and it's Noted that he never

Was known to attack or abuse his own children But he would have them and their friends Slap his ass with that little guy right there with nails coming through it. Yes and that is not even The that's like mild for this cool dude as far as what he like this was having his kids to do that Yes, hey son. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, why don't you get your friend bill to come over and slap dad's ass with the fucking With the nail path. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, holy This guy also enjoyed a little activity

Now, I don't know if you've seen tom doing this or caught him doing it It's probably a red flag, but go ahead. This guy like to uh put rose stems Up his urethra. Yes. I've seen tom do this and then pose in a mirror with it and like admire himself With those in there This guy this guy right here is a pioneer by the way. He's like a god in the bod modification community Okay, because yeah, he is like I have noted There are five aspects of body modification that people do for like enjoyment today that this guy was all about

Like uh play piercing for instance This guy used to insert sewing needles under his fingernails as a game. Good seeing you josh Not only that when he was uh dead when he died they found 29 sewing needles in his Uh pelvis that he would insert through. Let's see if I get this Word right the perinium. Do you know where that is? That's your chode. Yeah, you're tank. Yeah, exactly. It's your taint He would stuff needles in there and there is uh, I don't know if I included that picture That's a crime scene. I might have I did I can't believe I forgot to include the picture of The x-ray of his pelvis with all those needles in it. That's so dumb. Now. What is this letter here?

Is this audio someone reading that's an audio Dramatization of a letter that he wrote. Thank you. This is how he got caught because eventually like all of them They get sloppy. Yeah, but this that's the time by the way the time to get away with things late 1800s early 1900s Of course. Oh before forensic. Yeah DNA and all yeah, so albert's like toward the end of his life, right? He's been doing all this shit. He's Into all this like uh torture and everything like that. He loves all that crap What he decides now he reads an ad in a paper Where an 18 year old gentleman is talking about he's like hearty stock looking for citizenship

You know, this is like the 1800s classified this guy's looking for work So albert answers the ad just to go check how the at your boy thinking like i'm gonna eat this fucking guy Yeah, uh because he loves eating human beings And so he shows up there and he meets the guy thinking i'm gonna murder this guy But then he meets his little sister and is like nope i'm eating her Oh, geez. So then he like tells him like i'll come back and let you know about the job I'll be back here in a little bit and we'll talk about it. So he comes back and he goes You know what? It's my niece's birthday. Okay. You mind if I take grace to the party?

And they're like, yeah, go ahead creepy old man. What and they let him do that And they never saw her again. Uh and then years later after, you know, she's been missing I mean they assume she's dead probably, you know, but they don't know have any answers He sends them this anonymous letter Uh, which I gave you a dramatic, uh Oh god, I really don't want to hear this My dear mrs. Bud on june 3rd 1928 I called on you at 406 west 15th street And brought you pot cheese and strawberries. We had lunch grace sat on my lap and kissed me

No, thank you taking her to a party you said yes, she could go I took her to an empty home in westchester. I had already picked out When we got there. I told her to remain outside She picked wild flowers. I went upstairs and stripped all my clothes off I knew if I did not I would get her blood on them No, thank you push. No, no, no more. I can't I can't I can't I went to the window and called her then I hid in the closet until she was in the room When she saw me all naked she began to cry and tried to run downstairs

I grabbed her and she said she would tell her mama Oh my there's a twist. I stripped her naked how she did kick bite and scratch I choked her to death and cut her into small pieces so I could take the meat to my rooms cook and eat it Mmm, how sweet and tender her little ass was roasted in that oven It took me nine days to eat her entire body Okay, thanks Josh Holy shit, but there's a kicker. I did not fuck her though I could have if I wished she died a virgin

Well, that is the nice Nice solace at the end, huh? The bright side to hold that God damn it dude Did you not fucking bring kid things over? Come on, man. I can't hear this stuff Albert fish though kind of a pioneer. He was eating ass before it was cool Okay

Right You find a real you find a real savage out there. You got to get her to Albert fish ladies and gentlemen Josh Oh my god Disturbing Thanks for having me. Yeah, thanks. Bye. Bye now So, you know, you know, can we stick to porn on the next segment? You know the next dark web thing you've got to top this right?

Ah, fuck. Yeah, it's gonna get hard No, you can do it Um, Josh anywhere anybody can see you coming up. Uh, I'm gonna be at uh helium in Buffalo, New York For New Year's Eve with rich boss. That's right. Hell. Yeah, and then I'm gonna be in San Francisco with you the week after that Sonic, uh, January 4th and 5th. That's right. All right Thanks, Josh. No problem Terrible. All right, so we just wrapped up the One of the most depraved and depressing segments ever history of this show

And uh, we want to keep that energy rolling. Yeah So we brought in one of the most depraved human beings we could ever think of to have on here No, I will say this man. I'm not always an early adapter I feel like I was an early adapter early fan of kyle dunnigan's instagram page the funniest instagram page I think you might have been the very first it was the first person that like posted something of mine that That would like blew it up. Well, and did you send joe rogan stuff? Oh, so yeah, you started my whole uh instagram year Tom talks about your instagram feed to me and got me on it now

Did you were you annoyed or you're like, oh, this is great. No, I'm a huge instagram fan So when I saw your shit, I was like, this is great. Here's the thing too is like the I I there I've talked about this many times on the show that um throughout my life nothing Makes me laugh harder still than getting a Reaction of a disgust or contempt from my mother on something like it's still the thing It's like it's in the dna Where it reminds me of like, you know burping at the table and being like chastised for doing that and it would make me laugh And that video

That you did where you do the chicken butt one. Yeah. Yeah, where I was like, is this real and like did you really The first one was real like I surprise her sometimes but she'll know, you know, I'm doing something man Yeah, the the fact that I know I the shit out of her, right? I remember this one So this bit was like, yeah, he's doing a character. You're doing uh, was it craig or craig? Yeah, and And you're going like hey mom and and she's like what and you go guess what what chicken butt and she's like, all right And then like she's on the phone Man, that's guess what man. Yes, and she's like she's doing that thing like And you keep like because it feels like you know a kid basically like I know. Yeah, she's like, oh for right

What yeah chicken butt and then it just keeps building until you do it She's in the bathroom and then like in the middle of the night. She's like, oh, it's foreign Yeah, those two are set up But that was perfect. She she nailed it. Yeah, she's good. She nailed it. She gets nervous and uh self doubt Yeah, which I recognize that it was you fooled me because I was like, holy shit She's it's four in the morning. She's like, oh chicken butt. Yeah So that was like it's own lane of a type of video style But then I think what what's really blown up is like your face swap character. Oh my god. I love those

Yeah, um, because you have you know, like you do the trump ones the jenners the kardashians. Yeah, baby Yeah, yeah, you're perfect at that. Yeah, they uh, I first started just doing straight up And then I was trying to figure out how to get them to talk to each other because it's People have done it where they just cut back and forth. So I thought about the face timing So again, I'll see them at once which is works for the phone. So when you do that family, you're so good at the I put a new one up today. The kardashians. It's yeah, this shit makes me laugh. So hard Are you okay? We heard your house burned down. Yeah, I was awful girls for a minute there I thought I was going to suffer the same fate as my nutsack. Yeah, baby. Did you get all your clothes out?

Just fave all of your clothes. Yeah. Yeah The first thing I did when I saw the flames was grab my fendi clutch and my alexander mcqueen stiletto pumps. Yeah Yeah, then I ran back in those flames to get my louis baton alligator duffel a bag so beautiful it demands attention My size 17 jimmy chews and my dog checkers But there was only enough time to save two of those things girls. Oh, no I think Sophie's choice. What's that? What did you choose? Oh checkers is fucking dead. Yeah That at least he's got my old balls and stick to play with up in heaven

Oh my god, you do that vacant kardashian thing. So yeah, I just put one up What's that? Oh, this is just one. Oh, that's great. Yeah. Katelyn's in that too. Wow. I love when people jump in. I like when stormy jumps in on some of these Yeah, really funny. Yeah, katelyn jumps in on that one. They're going, uh, they're mad. She's hitting from the latest You know, I love about stormy too. Stormy's character is basically an invention in a way like it's not really Yeah, it's not stormy. Yeah. I don't know how she talks, but it's perfect. You're like, oh, yeah That's the perfect character. It's like what you'd imagine. Yeah He's like, oh, I'm not gonna swallow your cock anymore. Fucking your whole cock just halfway down

Can we watch this one? Yeah, let's watch it This is the this is a uh, what do you call it hot off the press Premier, okay, and we got who we have here. Let's dr. Phil and bill mar I love it. So silly. What the fuck your bill mar impression. Do you always know you could do bill? Uh, I've done it for a few years. Yeah Do you remember doing him like did you used to watch, you know, whatever his show was? Yeah, but and I Yeah, I was auditioning for like mad tv or something and I sort of try to get it Now someone tell me once about like people who nail and I'm always like, you know, oh my god

I just got a flashback to auditioning for mad tv. Yeah, me too. I did a couple times. Oh, I feel I feel the chills Because like I remember that I was doing Something that was working like yeah joke wise and then she goes like do you do any impressions? And I go like nah and she goes and I remember her specifically going try jack black and I was like no okay and I was like I'm jack black. I'm jack. I was like, hey, what's that like just Just imagine something just spiraling out of control and she was like, yeah

No, that didn't really work. I'm like, yeah, I didn't come in here saying I do a jack black impression And you're left. You left her with that impression and then she was just like, yeah That wasn't really a spot on impression of jack black and I was like, I know He threw out a random person to me You know what has to be hard about those mad tv auditions back in the day Is that everyone was probably doing the same fucking impressions is it was the same? He was like the britney spears for walking Yeah, like there you really have to blow people away with something original like that. Right. It's so hard

I went and I auditioned for serent live and you know, they fly to new york and everything and a while ago Yeah 2010 okay, and I I like had everything speed the most nerve-wracking thing right? I was out of my mind Because you're also in a hotel room for two days by yourself running. I just ran it over and over and I was like six minutes And then I get there and I just was not in a place where I could perform. I was just so nervous Seriously? Yeah, and I was like, please not first and they were like first up is kyle dunnigan

Oh god And then they were mic'ing me and I could tell I was I didn't have my uh, You can't get to your facilities when you're nervous when you're really nervous. Yeah, I can't even So I the guy counting me in was this the cameraman goes i'll count you in three two one You'll write into your stuff. You know, it's really intense. Okay, three two one. So I go out there I'm really hanging onto this and I walk out there and like lauren michaels everyone's on a table over here to the left And I just walked down. I kind of stood there Like waiting and nothing was happening and then lauren goes. Hello

Like hello like say hi to us. I was like, oh, hi. Hi. Sorry And I just kept staring waiting for that counting the guy told me was coming and it wasn't coming And then lauren goes, are you okay? Which is like the auditions now over So then I started to explain like well that guy and then that guy goes three two You didn't want to get in trouble And I couldn't I think I was trying to do build like the voices weren't coming out of my mouth And I was just too nervous

But I feel I mean the pressure is like I'm scared But they in their defense they have to you have to be able to perform live and yeah should be a nerve-wracking Audition hello already. That's nice. Yeah Yeah, that's a nice thing to encourage a young person. Are you okay? The um, I was talking to one of the I forget one of the big comedy casting directors here in town And I auditioned for something with her and I was like, you know every time You're the best like she's always super sweet

Um makes like makes the situation julie ash. Yeah, I was just gonna say julie. I think it might be. Is it great Yeah, she's like the one nice one makes you feel really engaged and you know, I mean like and if she goes like do you have any questions? If you're like, I don't know do you have anything to add to this? Yeah, well the thing is I think they're really looking at for it to be read like this She's like I've had I have uh, I was so used to her a few times. Yeah, she cast me in something and then I went to another one where I asked the same way where I was like, uh, is there anything That you want to tell me about it? And she was like That's for you to decide. I was like, oh, so the answer is no. You don't have anything to share. Yeah

Like you just you don't have to be a dick about it. Yeah, there's like, uh, I stopped going to auditions I don't know why I have an agent I write the checks and I go, what was this? And then Yeah, that means zero things. Yeah in like a decade. No auditions even I went on an audition A year and a half ago. That's the last audition. Yeah, I got it and then never got another audition for you now I may got it. I should leave though. It's just one of those things where it's on your to-do list Oh, yeah. Yeah. No, you should leave today. Yeah, send the email on the way out. Okay. Yeah, cool. I mean seriously

Yeah, but then if you you know You go, well, what if something comes up? But no, you get another agent though. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, you're you're not wrong. Yeah. Yeah Um, all right. So we got dr. Phil we got bill mar and we have that's about this I can do I can be alone not auditioning. I just make something. It's hilarious Right. That's the thing is that you found this I'm always so amazed at people that take what's given to them and technology like what you've done with face swapping And then how are you? I don't know what you're using to even I can't give away my seat. Yeah, like that's a thing. It's so cool. What do you mean? Like, oh, how do I build it?

Yeah, I'll just do the one who talks the most first and I'll I'll make like a script. So when I'm talking I'll be talking in my mouth. So it times out when I have to do the other ones I'll say there. I mean, it's like in my mouth. Do you know what? I love this diy Entertainment purpose just for silly This is what comedians are so great at. It's like he's taking what's available We're taking what's available to you in this time and space with technology and then Making it work for what you do and making it work in your favor. Like it's I just think it's so great I have a lot of free time such a great era we live in. Yeah, it is cool how open it is

The things that are going to be coming are going to be Surprising, I'm not sure what just make it if you want to make it you fucking make it like this show is fucking make it Just make it. All right. Here's let's watch it. Here's the latest and greatest the newest version From kyle dunnigan's instagram page. It's at kyle dunnigan one here we go Okay, guys, I got someone to fill out our for some for the golf game tomorrow, but it's a girl. Okay. Oh good Is she a hot piece of ass? Close she's older and used to have a penis. Oh not katlyn again if she hits from the ladies t's this time

I'm not fucking playing. Okay. No, no, we all agree men's t's this time. Let me get her on the horn Oh, hey boys. I'm gonna wear my vira wang mini skirt tomorrow. Yeah, or as I like to call it my vira no wang Yeah, baby Kaitlyn we respect you as a woman. So we want to be delicate here You're hitting from the men's t's you've got two dna. Sorry. Watch your mouth ash howl You are the number one male athlete in the world. You're not starting 40 fucking yards ahead of us. Okay Why don't you push his hit from the ladies t's and I'll hit from the pros and still kick your pansy asses Is it weird that just gave me a boner

Dr. Phil So great. I love it. It's so fucking funny, man. Thank you. Well you uh, you started my uh It uh, I don't want to call it explosion because people have a lot more followers than me, but yeah, you you got over 400,000 I think I had 19,000 when you've posted and now I have like 407 so that's wild man Maybe you start posting some of my shit. Do you feel like I owe you? Yeah, of course. Yeah, absolutely Especially like after what you put me through and um, remember we did oddball together and you made me go in your dressing room and like Watch you do all this stuff. That was a bad time. That was bad time. That's what you owe me for

um I'll tell you later off mic. Oh, yeah, okay Yeah, I don't want to get in trouble for a lady's ears. No But the bill mar one is just I don't think sometimes there's public figures Who you realize? Oh, I've never heard an impression of that person And then when you do that's the one that's that's what how it stands out about bill mar I don't think I've ever heard someone do an impression and when you do the impression I have to double check. It's not him talking

You people I went on a trip with him You did and this is so random, but like military thing. Well, I was going I was going to hawaii with my girlfriend and uh, she missed a plane And stupid broad. Yeah Don't bitch. It was sarah silverman. Are you friend with her? Oh my god Bill mar's good friends with her and he's like just come on our plane You know, he had his own private jet. Oh, of course. So he went on there and clearly like he was bummed I was a tag along He was such a dick to me. He was anyway. Yeah, he really was

He made no effort to make me feel at all comfortable But look That's by the way, huge shocker. I mean bill seems like the kind of guy that would go out of his way to make everybody feel comfortable He had never heard a story where he's like, oh, and then bill did this You know, I did a stand-up show with him ages ago Over a decade ago and I was on the same lineup as him And he kept asking me to bring him drinks and I was like, I'm not the waitress I'm a comic and I had to tell him like two times. I'm like, I'm not a waitress here, bro. Like I'm on the line

Where were you? So I can't even remember. It was so long ago. It was at a restaurant gig. So in all fairness, you bring me a drink Yeah, he has to bring him in here. I don't you bring me a drink. Sweetheart I I yeah, I was in a he was in a dressing room and at the Pasadena club with ice house and it's packed that there's nowhere to let go hang like all the comedians have to be And he kicked everyone out of the dressing room. We're all just standing there like he did he did Yeah, we're not we were allowed around in the green room, you know It's weird for all standing in the hallway because bill needs the green room bill needs his space

Hmm. So he needs a space to read over what the writers told him to say tonight. Okay, fine. Yeah You know, it's always amazing to me when people are like that because it's so much easier just to be nice to people It's just easy to be nice. But then you learn her story. You know, oh, they make sense. I get that What is this? I'm worried to learn too much about someone because you always end up liking them, you know You go, oh, that's why they're like that. Well, why is he like that? It's probably a combination of stuff maybe ignored by girls when he's younger Maybe, uh, I don't know his dad did something and Or he saw being tough is a way of getting respect

Sure, he looks at people who are nice as weak. That's how trump is like a little bit. Yeah, like he's sociable That's big in my culture and hungarian stuff like they see yeah If you're like americans are like donkeys to them kind of like my stepmom Like if we go to a restaurant and the waiter would be super nice like hey folks, how you doing? It was met with contempt. Like what are you calling us forks? We gotta fight and like It's seen as total weakness. Yeah, interesting. Yeah. Well that rusky culture too, you know, the you know, the If you see the like putin Photo ops, it's always. Oh, yeah face. Oh, yeah

Because they think we're goofballs if we go like yeah smile joy. Oh, yeah. Like what are you a fucking clown? Yeah, except smiling Why are you smiling? Yeah, that's cultural. Yeah, they used to always not smile in photos Yeah started like all right. Like if you look at early photography, I guess they just stand there for so long Yeah, that's true But it's every photo like early 20s 30s. Everyone's like Yeah And that's that's the lovely photo of the person just get a marriage like my grandparents marriage photo

They're just like looks like I'm in a terrible time. Yeah, you know, so funny I try because I want to look cool You know how some people comedians can take pictures with fans and they keep a straight face and they look really interesting Like it's like they're making a choice. I look so unfriendly when I don't smile. You always look unfriendly Really even when I smile. Oh, it's the worst like I just look so depressed and like see look Let me see. Well It's very slight Really it feels very like eastern blocky and shitty some people have like a full round a frowny. Oh

I don't have a frowny But you carry you look like you care to be look cool and no that's the things I want to look cool And then every time someone wants to take a photograph with me. I'm so amazed that anybody wants to yeah That I'm like, oh my god. Yeah, sure. Okay. Yeah, I'll do it like I'm too excited for it You're probably hung on too long and they were like ready to go No, I want to be good looking and I'm still hanging on to that It didn't like I maybe peeked at a six and now I'm trying it's just getting ugly every day. Oh, yeah Yeah, every time I look in the mirror. I think I'm tired. Yeah, and then I go. No, you're dying. Yeah

You are. Yeah. Yeah, you know, what's nice is that we have some like so that we're able to do things like this We have some help like a nanny at the house. Yeah, and a lot of times she'll tell me how tired I look Yeah, and um, it's something that's new that like Sometimes it was a thought of mine where I look in the mirror and you think I look tired But then you're like, don't beat yourself up and then I'll see her and she's like, Tom You look very tired today and I'm like, I feel okay Yeah, I'm glad I look tired and is it you're always you always look like that and you just didn't notice I think I always looked like that. No one was telling me that but now I get to hear it all the time. That's great

It's true. It's nice. I want to I want like a night nanny just for me like you when you're tired you're in the couch You got to get to bed and floss and all that. Yes. They just pick you up. They floss your teeth. They lay a date It's a great idea. How do your bum? It'd be awesome. How do your bum? Yes Maybe we could start this other thing about like falling apart as we age. Yeah, is that because I I was really even really fat at 17 18 You realize that like a lot of your friends that weren't they get fat as they get in their 40s And they're like, oh, you look bad now. You got fat. But because I was fat then. Oh, that's cool

I'm like, I either look better than I did. Yeah, I maintained. Oh, that's nice. Yeah There's a silver lining. So if you're like young and fat you have that Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. I forgot what I was gonna fucking say. God damn it I bet it was gonna be good cons. Oh, here's the thing As long as you can stay skinny as you age. I feel like that's the key You don't want to be fat and old if you can maintain your weight and get older There's a giveaway though for me from my body. Go ahead. I have an unusual body But I'm very thin but my gut will just come straight out like a pregnant man

You ever thought about just like skipping food all together? Yeah There's a family. They just eat off the universe and light. Do you see about that article last week? It's got to be a lie But they have kids and they say they just like stare at the sun and take the universe energy and they don't eat food Bretherians they're called. There's also a group of people called Bretherians where they they breathe in air. Yeah. Yeah, that's pretty cool I do that too. No, they haven't yeah. Are you a food guy though? I mean, is that your indulgence? No I love food, but I mean I ate a lot of chocolate and too much but But now I'm not a food. You look like you're in good faith though. I yeah, I'm like naturally I have tiny bones

But like I'm actually mean guy, but like my bm. Bmi. Yeah is bad Really? Like my my hips are really small like which goes from like hip stomach ratios. Not good. Yeah, I'm an illusion there's something very There's a lot of weird things about my body like don't look right now, but Like I hurt my neck one time. Mm-hmm. This is actually a weird story But I was having a dream I was twisting off the top to a giant coke bottle can Like a seven foot thing and I'm twisting and I woke up in agonizing pain with my hands wrapped around my head on your own head Yeah, I twisted my own head

So I I know That sounds almost unbelievable. Yeah, and never happened again. It's one time weird thing and you're like, ah my fucking neck Yeah, I woke up just staring at the ceiling and pain aren't those dreams the most unbelievable when you when you are It's so vivid. Yeah, and you get up and you're like, oh and you realize you're not there Yeah, I feel like I want those more. I don't have I don't want those then they're good. They're good. Yeah You know what I used to do when I had headgear as a kid I would rip off the headgear in my sleeve and throw it across the world Yeah, you too. Yeah, yeah, and I wake up in the morning like oh my god

I'm not wearing my headgear and it was like in the closet. I'd thrown it across the pop out and they'd hit your cheek Oh, that's terrible. Did your did your head turn anything actually result in a neck injury? Yeah, I had a neck brace On my instagram the picture you can see a neck brace And I had it on for Almost a year, but the reason I could have had it on less What I realized is the muscles go around the injury and they like tighten around it and I didn't I didn't uh I kept tweaking it thinking it was still hurt, but it was to the muscles. I needed to be stretched out But I went to the doctor got an x-ray and the doctor was looking at my x-ray for a while

And uh, then he calls in another doctor. Hey, john come in here calls another doctor and another staring at my x-ray You don't want your Doctor to look at your x-ray like he's never seen something before So I was like, what am I dying like what's up? And he goes you have the neck of a seven foot man What? Yeah, what that's what they told me and that was that had anything to do with the injury or they're no oh just in general Yeah, you stretch out your neck. You just have a long neck. Let me see that Oh, yeah, I know I don't think it'll seven feet, but I think it looks like a graceful neck

It's very real Yeah, but I'm I I'm five nine So I have the legs of a 12 year old girl now That's crazy that you did that to yourself in your sleep because don't they say you can't actually physically like punch yourself or harm yourself Because the body won't your brain won't allow, but I guess when you're unconscious Yeah, you can twist your neck off and if you're asleep you could do some bad things I'm sure because you're you don't have an awareness. Yeah. Oh my god. That's terrifying. I feel like I've grown out of I was always like doing like things were like uh dream

I had some dream issues and not sleepwalking, but like moving around a lot Of really active sleeper. It's kind of went away. That's good. Yeah but uh Yeah, I grew up in uh, I'm just gonna talk talk about myself do it So, uh, my name is kyle and uh, kyle with your middle name anthony. Oh, it's good italiano Um, I didn't mean to hijack this show. We're talking about do it do it now Oh, we want to know more about you. I was just like thinking about myself. I'm sorry talking about myself

We love your commedia Um, yeah, what do you want to know about me? Any questions? Why why the sleepwalking? We're an only child No last baby of how many three Total three total. Yeah, and those two older brother cop And uh hardest job by the way Not hardest man, but I mean he just goes you go where people are being assholes all day long Oh, I can't imagine all day right now. He's called racist stuff. He just tested keep taking it Then you go home and turn on the tv and the tv kind of tells you you're a racist cop

Yeah, he said to take it to take everything Is he east coast guy? Yeah, yeah, damn good guy though. Yeah, good guy. There's some good cops I mean cops do it. There's you know, what happens is we highlight the bad cops because there's bad people in their stories Yeah, well, yeah, so you know the stories about the bad ones are so bad But that becomes kind of the the narrative for cops, but there's obviously good cops Hey, man, I like the cops especially the older I get I'm kids and stuff mortgage property. Yeah, I love them Come over come over. Take your shit They got a lot of pressure on them and it's just a barrier you have to have a really strong

Sense of yourself and patience because even you go back to the precinct everyone's kind of being an asshole Because they're bringing in they're like you're done right along. Yeah, I've done a few in different cities And it's always an entertaining and learning experience. Yeah I've done it in north carolina. I went out with a cop. I went out with a black cop I wanted to go different experiences, you know, yeah, then I went out in Tacoma with a cop Were you studying for a role? Why are you doing this? Just first time I I knew the guy from another job I had so could he work part time at Cops can have sometimes multiple jobs

Yeah, which is kind of wild one time was a fan of this show And one time it was for a research thing Yeah for a role and that but that was here in Hollywood Oh, okay, and what I found was that most in all three different areas the The cops dealt the most with just mental illness all the time. Yeah. Yeah, just all day I was like, how much of your like day is mental illness and they're like 85% of these. Yeah easily We're either drunk drugs or mental illness

And then like they're like fucked up things like they drop off somebody who's just mentally ill at a hospital Yeah, and then they're like he's like, I'll pick him up tomorrow Somewhere else I'm dropping off at a different hospital. Oh, wow, and that's there Do you see the Ron Coleman documentary on netflix the Ron Coleman Ronnie Coleman the bodybuilder? No time mr No, and I've heard I've heard from multiple people Unbelievable like he had a full-time cop He's a cop full-time and

And at the same time which no, wait, he was a cop as he was mr. Olympus No one has ever had a full-time job and been mr. Olympus How do you move and be like with that, you know, I mean like how did he run after somebody with that? Just giant such a monster Well, now he's supposed to be in a wheelchair The doctors are like you should be in a wheelchair his back is so screwed up But he's so strong He's like wheeling himself around on these like crutches and he still gets up at 4 30 a.m

Every morning goes to the gym. Wow. The doctors are like don't do that. Go and he just keeps going. It's pretty impressive Yeah, I'm like that. It's pretty wild. I'm a lot like that. Okay, so you have this pig brother and then what is your other sibling? She is a Uh pig mom. She is. Yeah, she's a mom Pig mom. She's a pig mom, but she's not a cop. Oh, thank god. She likes food How many kiddos does she have? She's two Yeah, two kids. What do they I always wonder because like you have this quirky

It's a very defined sense of humor, right? And then it's the kind of thing where To me like the way I would phrase it all these things are subjective in the way But I would suggest I would describe it like people Who I think are funny would find you funny. They you know what I mean? And are your siblings are they like he's fucking weird or do they yeah? It was I felt very alone and like what I thought was funny when I was younger. Yeah, my brother's cool and uh

He he makes suggestions which are always about like farting or something. Sure. So we like him already. Yeah He's cool. I like it. Yeah, but your pig sister. My pig sister does not understand. We love her. We love each other Right. I mean, I always I was a odd child too You know, they didn't test for things back then But I would fly a kite For hours and just pee my pants and just keep flying like I was that kind of kid You mean like focused and once you were on something. Yeah, I would get hyper I think it's like a ass burger dude. It's your videos. It's my videos your videos are hyper focused

You'd get distracted for hours. Yeah, I did make that just to show people Yeah, I still kind of do that. Yeah, and I think it's uh I don't say it hurts me in some ways like I leave my car door open the other day I just I'll just leave my car running stuff like that happens if I'm thinking about something else It's dangerous. I probably shouldn't have a kid Yeah, I don't feel like that. Yeah It's dangerous Uh, that's interesting. Our boy is like Ellis is kind of hyper focused

Yeah, or he can do an activity from the time he was I don't know 15 months old like he'll just play with water in the sink for Literally the first time it was two and a half hours and I just let him. Yeah, what about um on the love cycle Are you a tender guy love? I just got on some apps. It's going terribly. Yeah, but you just started First of all done. Will you please tell us? What kind of picture are you leading with and what type of bio are you putting up there? It's very important I don't have that many pictures of myself. But are you putting up a good picture? Yeah, I'm the first profile pic I guess, you know, I look like a nine nine and a half. Okay. Oh, wow. Um, second one's probably

Uh, a little less than that. They're they're not great picks. I didn't think a lot about it, but they're fine I look fine now. Are you not doing jokie pic? No, no, just like straight up. Yeah, whatever, but I had a breakup in early september and It was we were Long distance for a couple years and she moved in and five days later. We broke up. What? Oh, you know how it's to move an entire person's life into your house. Wait a minute. How long were you together long distance? Like two years

And we're talking like another coast No, las vegas. Okay. That's not too far And I thought there was a there's a little bit of jealousy and going through my things breaking into my emails Stuff which is not accepting. This is after you moved in. No, this is before And I justified like oh once she moves in because everything else was great She'll see I don't do anything and she'll like, um, not be jealous or something But when she moved in I realized oh, this is just how it's gonna always be for my whole life It made me worse and five days later

Yeah, this was five days later and it hit me at starbucks and winnie Cummings walked in in that moment Oddly that sees you. Yeah, like that Yeah, actually she has a picture of me with like my hands up my head But she gave me good advice to go back to the house Break up and then leave don't get to negotiation which is good advice because I went back I was really bad, but I was like, you know, you stay here and you know, I'm gonna go and But then she didn't leave like I was homeless for like nine hours. She didn't leave the house. She didn't leave and then She texted me. Okay. I'm gone. You can come back. I'll go back. It's dark now lights are off. The car's gone

She's not gone She's in the house. She's hiding in my bed in the dark. No, no, you know like a murderer What sounds like a john malaney joke, is this you know like a murderer? Future So I yeah, I went I in my house and my dog came up to me who I talked to like an insane person And I was this just came out of me. I go tough night to my dog, which she must have heard Oh god, yeah, and I turned the corner It's like oh, hey

But um, wait, so wait, so she reveals that she's there and then tough night to my dog And then I turned the corner. I was like, oh like I made a another um feminine sound and then she kind of got up and got her stuff and and Didn't like she tried to like she wanted to hug for a little bit It was like when how did you initially realize that someone's that you feel the energy or you heard? No, I turned the corner and I was terrified. You saw her. Yes, and you're like, what the fuck? Yeah, I was like, oh Like that did you go like you said you were gone No, because she immediately started like trying to pull me down like just hold me kind of stuff

I wanted to maybe fck maybe makeup, but I think tough night and he made her feel like not that attractive. So she left But anyway since went on bumble went on hinge And I've had to wait aren't you trying to smash dog? Why don't you get on tender? I I'm actually want a relationship. Really? Yeah. I mean, I'm all for smashing Maybe I should say that that's cool. Yeah, I like just banging Bro, why don't you do a why don't you do a bang to get because you got to get the relationship out of your system? Get a fresh bang

And then go into looking for the really you know what I mean bang bang my way to love Well, I'm saying just get a bang out of the way. Yeah, you got to bust the first post Yeah, I clean those pipes out. Yeah, you got to meet some tender chicks. You know tender chicks are cool I have come all over my face. So just go on tender. Yeah, all right. This chick sounds way cray cray though Yeah shoes. I'm what's up with your picker That's what patty stanger would say, but she was great in every other aspect Uh-huh. I thought it was mine. Just the stocking and that kind of thing. Yeah. Yeah, I thought I thought it was mine. Sure. Just as far as those hiding in the home as that. That was it. Everything else. Fuck it. You should taste your eggs

I mean she could do sunny side up Going for your emails. Let me ask you this because I went on a date and I think this is inappropriate with this girl Oh boy. Don't ask me that. I'm so bad at this stuff So I try to be a good guy and like I plan the date and I do this thing So, you know, you hear you're supposed to do that's enough. Let's see what it says You Jew motherfucker you Jeez Isn't it? Yeah, I thought it was just me. So I plan this date at a paint and sip. You know what that is? Paint and sip. Yeah, you get drunk and you drink wine

That was kind of a cute idea. That's what I thought. That's what I thought. Day one Day two. Okay. And the day one was good. Okay. So I go uh It's text ends with like great. See you there. See you then great, you know And so the day of I write. Hey, do you want to meet there at seven? 645 and she writes, um, are we still going? That's not a weird answer like why would we yeah, so yeah, I said what do you mean? And she said I haven't heard from you. So I assumed we just weren't Wait, how long is it been exactly two days? We

Shored up the date and the day of I was like, how about this time? That's it. So anyway, then this whole thing blew up we we uh Saw each other again. Wait a minute. What? Yeah. So how the date was fine. Like once did you end up going? Yeah, and it was okay. It just was that was a weird thing. You think she was just being really insecure? I yeah, I think no filter and she felt insulted that I That you didn't call her the day before also thing. There's rules and I did so many things right. I think I planned the thing I bought that there's like a hundred bucks. I mean, I'm a you gotta check in though

You gotta confirm the date 24 hours. I would confirm for an hour was confirmed Two days prior, but then the day before I'd be like, hey, are we still good or the day of my fault? Or maybe the day of go are we still good for tonight because that's what he did come up Oh, and then she yeah, I kind of I'm sorry. I'm misunderstood. So I think you're two days before he's like hey We'll meet up on a couple days. That's fine. And then the day of he's like, we're still good. Yeah, that's normal No, that's within bounds. Yeah, that's what I thought make you sound like there's like months that going by I didn't hear from you. Yeah, that's silly. No, so we had this follow-up date. Is this interesting story? I love this guy. Okay, because you guys can just cut this out. I don't know. No, no, no

All right, so then we had this This is this is my first foyer into dating. I love it after this. This is what happens so, um Yeah, I'm going to you're attracted to crazy girls. I can tell you right now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, your pickers all fucked up Yeah, well, this is the only person that I match with so it's really bumble. Pector wait. So this is the same girl though No, yes that I yes that like are we still meeting up? It's been fucking eight minutes. So we're still okay I probably should have said right there. Okay. It's cancelous day. Yeah. Yeah, and then we had a good time And so then I go you had a good time

Had a good time. Okay, and then that date ends Yeah, and then we had plans and uh, I wasn't feeling great So I you know told or wasn't feeling great and uh, I was like, I want to give you 100% Uh, are you free Tuesday, which is the next day? You know The next available that we had we had a Monday day This is too. How about Tuesday because I wanted to make sure I was 100% What were you were you getting sick? Were you getting sick? Yes, I wasn't feeling so Sundays when you went to paint and drink No

When did you go week earlier? Okay, and then Sunday you hit her up like, uh, yeah, we'd been texting and it was cool And then um, we decided Monday. We'd see each other again But when Sunday came around, I knew she was sensitive about day of stuff. So I said, let me tell her now Just in case I'm not I'm feeling worse tomorrow. I don't want to cancel her that day. It'll ruin everything. I'll tell her today Hey, I'm not feeling 100% well. How about Tuesday just so I have enough extra day. I thought that was okay She wrote to that To be honest, I'm kind of feeling unsure about you and the things you tell me What anyways, I hope you find what you're looking for. Good luck on your bumble dates peace sign

Yeah, what's going on. So she thought you were okay. So I'm also not wrong and that she's she's wildly insecure Yeah, which is at a certain especially at a certain age. You just really shouldn't you don't have time for it anymore You don't have the energy for it. You know, I mean to do oh, yeah Insecurity, but she's also that's heightened by a bit of loca. She's kind of crazy But she's she thinks that he's lying to her that's what I'm saying But she's so insecure that she like I don't get rich needs reassurance every day She feels like you were blowing her off by telling her hey tomorrow is not good. How about the next day? That's normal Okay, see it. I mean this story isn't over

Even though we all wanted to be it's not She texted me the next day. Hey, I just reread your text from last night I think I misinterpreted the whole thing. She said this. Yeah, I thought I thought it sounded like something else until I reread it I worked 36 hours and didn't sleep much. I just wanted to talk to you I'm sure I'm reading it wrong. Oh my god. I might be an idiot And then she called me. I didn't pick up and she'd please call if you didn't already Block my number And then today she texted now I'm sick karma's real this all sucks. Whoa. Is it me?

No, I I now I have to give her some credit. Okay. I give her credit She went back. She maybe reacted emotionally. She worked a lot. It sounded like yeah, she had the self-awareness To read it and go like, oh, I fucked up. That's a sign of actual emotional intelligence Yes, and and also being a big enough person to admit it, which is kind of embarrassing So, you know, if you if you were to be like, man, I really really liked her I'm like, well, then that's obviously an indication that maybe worth exploring again But if you don't or if you're like, I don't have you know, she's just not it then

Well, it's also the last time at the paint and sip that text of I didn't I didn't text her early enough I drink the paint. She was a drink the paint. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah She um Apologized for her texts there too. So this is a pattern. Oh, that is a pattern. You have to like just live with that You're gonna deal with this a lot. Yeah, I'm not dating anymore. Yeah, and can I I think what's also happening too is The in text message when you don't know somebody well, it's misinterpreted So you may want to consider actually calling and talking to someone so that they can hear your voice

Does that seem so intimate when you call now? I used to be the baseline now. It's like a little thing Hey, we we misread each other's texts. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, really sometimes I seldom do No, we've read we've read text you've read text where you're like you think I'm being serious about something I'm like, uh, I have to call. Yeah. Are you seriously mad or whatever? Yeah. Yeah, especially early. Yeah Yeah, that's the thing is that you don't have a connection established So when you're trying to establish a connection, that's probably why she's but for her to fly off the handle And then come back again. That is going to be her pattern Not not for me. No, I know the kind of girl I need. I knew any girl was like

What's wrong with you? She's she's weird. She's weird. Look, uh, it's a light very light. Laffy girl's nice. Yeah And not like yet too insecure, bro. You need to smash first. Yeah. Yeah, bro. You think bro dog This is what you need to do. How do I do it? I forgot. All right. Go on tinder. Yeah, wait I'm too old to be on tinder. No, anything tall on tinder. Let me work with my man for a second Yeah, bro. They're talking. Yeah, man Whatever Go on tinder. Yeah

Throw up a couple Like good pics. Okay shirtless. I mean, no, no, no, nothing too nothing ridiculous or joke. You just like good pics of kyle Okay, bio line can be Charming funny, but not like we're not doing a bit here, right? So you're just like whatever you keep it loose This way it's like you're not you don't I'm looking for a relationship Just like whatever you like to do I like to drink paint and I like to blah blah blah But you put that in there and then let it ride man. Just see what kind of how do you know that? How do you know this by the way? Can I can I work with my man?

How do you even know all this? Work with my friend. Work with his bro You get out there. Yeah, so you're ding ding around a little bit. Chalk it around right clean the system Now you forget about the bed stalker. You forget about drink the paint You get a few nuts out and then we clean the system Then we delete tinder and we go on more of a serious matching relationship thing class But you need to bust those nuts first. You gotta get your swagger. Yeah, that's exactly right. I've lost it Yeah, so we need to get it back. Why don't we get it back? All right. I'll go on tinder

Here's a scenario though. No one I get no matches. I mean, I'm one bumble and hinge and I'm not matching with anybody We gotta look at your profile. Let's look at your photos. I got it right here. I'm not a she's great at the I'll tell you I'll let me see the profile. I'll tell you what's going on. I'll let you see my profile I don't care. Especially if you're a comedian and a known comedian like Here's the thing girls always do like the funny guys. That's what they say you should exploit your celebrity for this Absolutely exploit your celebrity. I'm serious Just put your bio line and then write and write like dot dot dot like 400,000 followers on instagram. Anyway Just make it like no, yes

Oh, okay. Here's my profile. Let's see your profile pic. All right. First of all, this first picture is douchey Okay, but that's why but let me help you but it's like I can't see just text What's your text in here right now? I'm talking about that's my what is all for fuck's sake. Oh for fuck's sake, man Oh my god, who the fuck is texting you? This is how your dates are going. This is how my life is bro You know bro, I see this this is why and this is why you're not matching. Okay. Oh, no This is why it's too. Jokey. Let's see and the girls The girls who want to just get laid

Are like this guy's too much of a clown. I know take that picture more sincere of a photo. It looks like I mean It's a little jokie. It's all cute. You look great. I'm not saying you don't look at some very photoshopped But you're you look amazing. It's just it's too jokie jokie. Are there other pictures? Can I swipe for another picture? Let me see the second one. Let's do the follow. I'm not even sure how you do that. Okay, hold on. I'm opening I'm looking for a pussy and I am trying to All right, there's a real photo, but that's a real photo. You can't even see his face next can't see what you look like That's another problem. What's the last one? Let me see what bro. I look like that. Oh my god That shit. You can't see you. We can't see you. You're a cool tree

No, you're okay. So we were right your profile games horrible. Oh wrong. So really? Yes Yeah, all right. Well, it's good to know they can see you the first picture views kind of too jokie So the girl's like nah, he's not serious Yeah, and then you have a picture of a tree and then your face is dark and by shadows don't pass tree though All right. Yeah, let's just go three trees real Let's use your three real pictures not a pro picture. I literally don't have okay. Can we pictures of my? Okay, listen here. No, no, let me tell you here's how you're gonna get late. Take some today

Here's how you're gonna get late Yeah, you're gonna have one with you standing behind a microphone on the stage girls Love comedians that feels now. How do you know this shit? No, let's turn this all this because all Because i'm friends with millennials your slight makes your wet your Handys get all wet. No, because I talked to girls who are dating at the commie store and normal girl They look a guy holding a microphone. They go. Oh my god. He's funny. I love funny guys

not my I'm saying like second third picture, but not your lead your lead is just like a normal guy Staring at just smiling friendly I don't think I don't think you lead with the mic. I didn't say lead. I said the second or third is all this guy's a I love comedy, but that one you should use see if you do the the mic one The mic one. Do you have a pro mic one? That's one professional that because I'm like, oh, this is what he perfect I got this one just now Is that good?

smiling And I got a mic pretty good very natural pretty good. Yeah, I like it Yeah, we need you. We're gonna do a complete review. I don't even think I don't like online dating I I think I'm just gonna Coat I'm gonna take a break. Yeah, but I will change. I'll take those pictures down now. I feel very self-conscious or just switch them around Yeah, yeah, do you have any headshots that are like just But aren't those a headshot? I know it's the worst City smash city, bro. Yeah, dude. Oh

And don't put a picture of you with somebody else like hey It's me and this other guy because then people go which guy is him. I know that's oh, yeah Silly, don't do that. You want to have a picture with some friends? It looks like you have friends No, because then the girl goes well, I just want to see you could imply friends If you just have if you crop like arms out. So in other words, if it was you or your friends Yeah, or put a like a little chiron says friends in an arrow. There you go off the thing There's friends over there. Those are friends over there. Okay. Now. I will say the dog very appealing It is not absolutely girls like to know I can take care of something you can take care of something that you're capable of love

Of loyalty. Here's the thing though. We don't want to make Your smash profile the same as your because there's a relationship profile and then there's get my dick wet profile Should be different definitely different. Yeah, but my bro's right on that But smash profiles then the dumb chicks go. Oh my god. I love doggies. That's what I'm saying, but it's good The dog's okay. Okay bait. It's it's the honey, right? Honey, yeah, but we've got a little different each. Yeah, we got a yeah. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, we're gonna help you with this I'll keep you guys up to date. I don't want to know I want to know I want to know

I'll let you guys know when I smash dude. You gotta smash It's so gross, isn't it? I mean, I think it's like it's beautiful. This will be you in a week Pictures like my profile pictures. Oh, yeah It's gonna be hot. Aren't you know when you're done just like, uh, what what do we do after you smash? Yeah, it's a weird thing, right? It's with a stranger. Like, who are we now? What was that? Yeah, I've never done it But that's why he needs he needs that cleanse I'm going to party saturday. We'll just smash out there dude. Probably party's a good place to it Yeah, maybe you can get out of the way skip the whole tender thing

I think you'd be a good wingman for me. Be like, oh, you're my bro Kyle you mean my bro Oh, I would that right there now. I'm looking good and I would I would come up with stories Yeah, I would I would be telling. Yeah, he took over his dick. I'd be like, uh, he fucking there's this IPO. You know what that is? Introduce me to maybe like 25 million. Anyways, what do you guys uh, are you guys going out to a diner afterwards or what? I'm kind of hungry What's an IPO? You know what your game is by the way, yeah, what is his game? Okay. This is a perfect. I'll tell you what Tom secret your game when we were dating Contemptuous indifference

A little bit of silent indifference that can read as contempt give us it's like when I met Tom He was 23 and he was just kind of quiet but like A smoldering quiet, you know what I mean? Like like not like a puppy dog like excited to meet you like kind of like whatever I don't give a shit like his whole vibe was like, I don't care whether or not any of this fucking happens And that drew you in. Yeah, it takes the He's there's no desperation there. So you're like, oh, what's going on with what's he all about? I bet he's exotic turns purposes in the waterfalls if you ask me it's like But then you go to his house and you're like, oh this guy has like no game because he's on a mattress on the floor

And he doesn't use soap you can tell that I was not into Bringing chicks. No, but you were you had a little bit of contempt. I did a thing. I still do. I know Yeah, I got high the night and I bought a tesla. So You can just buy one and you buy a couch I'm gonna have a serious car game. Really? I got a Honda Civic. You bought it. 15 years old. You bought it. Yeah, you need a tesla Yeah, but I'm thinking about I should maybe return it. Why was they're really expensive, but you bought it. Yeah No, it's yours. That's your car and it's gonna help. It's gonna help the smash game for sure. That's what I was saying Let's just do it. Tesla's gonna help the smash game and dogs chicks love dogs and

Nice cars get more dogs more teslas. Yeah. Yeah, dude My game is like like yours except add A crippling insecurity. Sure. We all are insecure. Yeah, that's the thing That's the thing you realize is you get older once you're in a secure relationship and everything You see more How insecure you were and you realize that everybody is yeah, and then that that's what happens is like once you're not in the hunt You're like, oh, why is everybody so fucking insecure? Yeah, yeah, you know, but you need to be like locked down because yeah Well dating so brutal. I mean you put yourself out there every single time you meet somebody and then

People who date without booze. I'm impressed with that's the first couple days Doing that first kiss without being drunk. That's a magic trick I don't know how people do the first kiss. I've been talking. I talk about it on stage now about the level of tension for for an opening kit like that first kiss I mean it is like It's nauseating just to like whether like when you go like I gotta coach if you're especially if you're the guy This guy you're supposed to be the initiator, you know, of course But you can't do it like like I had women who would said like don't ask

That's the worst that makes me I use I easy And this girl like don't ask but now you have to ask you can't no don't ask it's never asked you gotta you gotta You gotta be very clear though in this day and age. You gotta get a lot of here's the thing You get the clues and then like look Though absolute worst thing I mean, yeah, someone being like, oh, no, but like were you really that misled? You know, I mean like I don't feel like I was ever that misled in terms of like I never went for a kiss and Had someone go like what the fuck?

I've had the I've had it happen to me where a guy misread cues and he went for it and I was like, no Oh, yeah, I did throw him off. Yeah, but how often does that happen? I was drunk That's why you must read so is this guy Yeah, but that's why you misread you were drunk It was like if you're not drunk Let's say you're sober or you have a glass of wine You're in a situation where that kiss can happen Man, there's a like a woman is going to give you all kinds of body cues

Look, yeah, I mean like you're gonna pick up on it. I know and then it's whether you have to the confidence to go for it But it's like are you really this whole thing of like, can I kiss you? Oh, man, I see the reality shows and I'm like How many first kisses have you had since we had ours? I think since from our first one when we had our first kiss that was probably oh five Yeah, and probably not more than 10 since then of like where I went out with the girl and I wasn't sure whether You guys swing. Oh, yeah That's cool. That's tight. Yeah

We're poly and by poly lies. Yeah, we're poly Hand on binary. I'm poly by sis. Yeah. Oh, you got everything going on. Yeah I gotta sometimes we gotta do this real quick one second. Kyle. Let's make some money Kyle one thing that's gonna help where? That smile. Let's see the teeth. We always be honest. Don't be like okay, but really smile for us Go give us let us really see a smile. Are the genuine smile again. Yeah, the eyes might be all dead You have nice teeth really good teeth. Are those yours? Are those? Wait, no, I do have good teeth. You is that natural my profile no eye braces

They're so white. Do you whiten whiten? I do sometimes do you do the home strips? Or do you go to like there's like this thing you paint on it's like a paintbrush come. What is it? Yeah, come really put the come all over your face. Wow on the cheeks and they and then I have this Retainer I wear like once a week and I'll just seriously now. It's putting that This is from the dentist or you just buy this of dentist they would say We do dental updates quite often and we have a lot of guests come in here and they show us teeth Sometimes we have to be a little nicer to them. I would say those are top three teeth. We've ever seen nice Yeah, really good. Look at that straight white clean

You could tell me those are veneers as this really was going real. Hey, I think we have a new profile pic I don't think and yeah close up of the teeth. Yes Actually, don't you feel like when you see someone's teeth it really tells you a lot. Oh, it tells the whole story Yeah, and it makes you attracted You know so much. I mean, there's like some especially who's young and has like already yellow in between There's just they're just going to bed with their You know, I you know what I don't like by the way I know that we all have

You know, we're there's different stages of life where different levels of income and what you can spend on I hate Someone telling me like like especially if they're employed. They have a decent job and it's like Yeah, just fuck this part like no You need to direct your funds Into this region. Yeah, if you have a job That gives you any resources Put down the plastic rack up the debt and you take care of the mouth. Yep. Don't let that just slide

It's hard to go, you know, you go to the dentist get teeth cleaned every six months They say every three months. How often no every six six two three That's who's got time for that But they they say that the plaque in your gums are they'll end your life quicker too. Absolutely I mean, these are basically bones in your face that other people see although I have a theory that it's not that you don't take care of your teeth It's just if you build up plaque easily on your teeth, maybe you build up plaque easily in your arteries Yeah, that's a theory I have but I haven't heard that interesting and I don't know much so that might be wrong

I gotta get my teeth clean. Actually, I'm gonna make an appointment. So do I I had an appointment and then those fires happened Yeah fires Are we kind of move Dennis to out here though Well, then we have to go in and get the x-rays and do the console So we're gonna go back to the other one It depends. Do you want to go start with a new guy out here and then we got to go to the whole thing and fuck shit Fuck yeah, I know because right now we have, you know, or we could transfer the x-rays from

Oh, yeah Don't get too many x-rays No, that your thyroid cancer this is linked to that dr. Oz just said that you have to wear a thyroid guard People send us all kinds of clips. I don't know if you know this or not I always watch things that people send somebody sent this. Let me see what it says about her this lady Okay, so the light was red She was reading a piece of paper the light turned green She continued to read so I I pressed the horn quickly

Then she continued reading so I pressed it longer until the light changed to red again She got out of her car and argued with me that she was reading the paper Because she felt dizzy and wanted to know if she could turn around to go back to cvs I tried backing up to around her And then she walked into the other lane and then I started recording. So this guy had a woman just being But you're blocking the road You can move the car it's simple just moving to the side of the road

This is gonna hurt you more than me. Really? Yeah So either apologize and give me your name Apologize so what? You're very good. It was three seconds, sir Yeah, boy. Whoa Cool sandals. These are definitely the eye give up sandals. That's what I'm saying in that shirt That's a pretty high lay on my find. Yeah, she could swipe which way It was the light was red

The light was red it turned green you still sat there reading a piece of paper Then it turned red again You represent FedEx, you know what that does for next But look green's like go. You gotta move out of the way. You can't just sit here Look, listen to him He told me I left the door open. He's worried about the door. He's a nice man Okay, then why are you leaving the door open? I don't know why you don't move

Don't get your phone call the police Get away, then I'll get away I'm always on the side of the FedEx drivers. You know fucking hard that job is And this dumb bitch Just get out of traffic. You stupid cow those guys that do that deliver all day. Oh my god. It's real work, man It sure is. Yeah, hollandaise stuff around and you just they go go go go And then this fucking dope dumb shit. She must have a problem every day of her life. Oh, yeah And makes it a problem. Yeah, it's not a problem. Yeah, she's one of those right always a victim

I just did this for three seconds. Like no, you probably were there change because she was reading right sweetie. You're in the Okay You know the number it says they're right on the side of the truck Simple. Yeah Call your number call the police. I'm not doing nothing. I'm waiting for you to move out of the way A sweet candy bar in his hand. I'm sorry for beeping the horn For being so now she got what she wanted she got her she got her apology You're sitting at a green light

Ew, I was dizzy And you pull over, yeah You have no proof of that. I can see through your window. You're reading a piece of paper Does he have a clothing clip on his nose? Yeah, and then said maybe the medicine's making me dizzy. Then you pull over Right, what a waste of everybody's day. You're not aware of late when I peeped the horn at you He's being late with your packages. That's not gonna help you. I'm for you So tom how much it's okay with christine. Yeah, I'm not giving you my idea enough

To make love to this woman Go ahead how much money and be serious like what's the lowest you would take to make love this one? You have to be very nice whisper nice things in her ear. She's the lowest The absolute lowest you would take. Okay. I'm saying let's really be realistic. Yeah, christine. It doesn't find out about her Yeah, I know I don't I give you full consent. Okay. I'm totally on board because I want the money Now, you know, it's getting slopped that things aren't going great. No, she looks like a mess She's it smells bad definitely Her feet are horrendous. They've been wearing those Birkenstock sandals. You got a nut

You got eye contact eye contact not Mouth to mouth. You can't turn her on her stomach. You have to do a missionary. You have to look her in the eye Well, he's first gotta get her going. You gotta do some work downstairs Be realistic and I'm I want a real number. Don't be like your life Yeah, yeah, the lowest think about your life. Do you need I got to finish right and eye contact? I'm looking her in the eye and you just say I'm not it Last second you I was the FedEx guy Guy you and color spirit animals

I think be realistic. No, I don't want you $20,000 $20,000 a lot of are you Wait, why would you even pollute me? Do you know? Do you know honestly what I was thinking for real before you said that I swear to you? Okay, what what I was thinking like I was trying to figure out the number The first number hand to God on our children in my mind was five million dollars. Oh, stop it. What? Oh, that's what I was thinking. That's the lowest. That's what I was like if someone said here's four million

You say I was running through in my head and I was like, okay, and I was like should I say five? Oh, stop. Be realistic. No, let's think about I was being realistic. Okay. Let's bring it down. Rock a fire You're talking about coming in this lady after sweet kisses and eating her box. Yeah, did you did you take a look? What I'm dealing with You want me to she's got a car into her face. She's got some good qualities. Yeah, got that hair Her skin looks soft. She's very white. She's like 20 grand. Maybe you would do it for 20 grand And if you can't finish you don't you don't get anything like you've gone through the whole thing And that's pressure on you that you may not be able to okay, so let's go. Let's work in reverse

So I you had made a good point. You said someone said four million. Yeah, okay. Yeah, I would absolutely three million No, no, let's be real. I'm like you let me let me work one million. Are you ruin this one million? You're ruining this you're ruining this you're ruining this. Why are you ruining this ruining what I'm working through it And you're like jumping okay, because I just I don't think Christina knows how serious that she doesn't understand I it's too preposterous four million Tom's taking this really I'm taking this seriously and I'm trying to figure this out and you're really like 20 grand Like I would even spit on her for 20 grand I would spit on her for 20 grand. I wouldn't I'd be like it's not enough money

Okay, I might it might throw up on her for 20 grand if I had vomit like backed up I might puke on her for 20 Talk now may my interjection funding that you puking on this woman I'm saying one million think about it cash tax-free. I give you a suitcase of one million dollars You're not gonna do this for no, I don't think it's enough really. I don't think it's enough. I really don't I don't believe you That's impressive. I'm way below that. Yeah, I think I think I think on if I'm being honest I would say like Two two and a half would be like the bottom

Wow To do it You definitely have more money than I do Kyle. What's your bottom? I was gonna I'm I'm like in the teens Come on to really you got to eat her box for a while Yeah, you got a banger and you got to look in her eyes as you finish I'm definitely under a hundred grand. I'll tell you that right out of the box um You have to you have to eat her ass for a while with her ass. Yes. Yeah

Yes, you added that. No, that's always there. That's not all He's right. It is always there Well, we didn't say that with you. I just threw it in there. I threw it in you have to eat her ass now. Yeah, you do What kind of ass is it licking a little you getting in there Deep is it? Yeah, how long remit. Yeah, I'll lick it one rim and I'm back to uh Her lady part you got to poke it a little bit with your tongue All right, a couple of pokes rim and then back. Okay. Well, let me ask you though. You got to jump in too Oh, yeah, you need to have you got 69. I'm being realistic here. Oh, are you serious and she's wearing that outfit

Man, I love that. That's a real factor. She keeps telling you about this FedEx guy that annoyed her the whole time Okay, sorry, so I have to 69 and if you have to 60, I don't want to lick her butthole. I will not I'm not gonna lick her butthole. I don't lick butthole. So how about we go to your one million dollars cash bag? You're like, nope. It's a million dollars in cash. Here's the thing I would do it for a million. Yeah cash tax free The IRS never knows but you would say no to 900,000 cash It has to be a million in my mind for it to be worth a while. I have to have that amount

So now I don't seem so preposterous to you. Yeah, well one million is less preposterous than five We worked down to two and a half, but if you don't nut christina, you don't get any of them on. Yeah, you have to come Harder for a woman. So work. Hey, that's way harder for me. I don't know. I mean, wait, wait, wait Do I have to come or does she have to come everybody? Everybody's at a party at the no, no, no She has to come whoa You said I had to come and look yeah, we don't know her biology. She may not be able to Okay, let's say let's say she came No, no different game different story. We have to make her

Oh for fuck's sake. There's no way I could I'd spend the time enough money. I'd spend the time No, wait a minute. Does that change your fee though? Yes So what's your fee now 400 400 thousand dollars and you'll make her come I will make that woman have the greatest night of her life I've believed you. Yeah, and that's how I want you to go into your tinder game You need to go into your side with that attitude. Okay. I want you to think about her every time you're on Okay You're gonna do it. I'm not doing tinder. It's two for the kids. Just do it man. I'm 47. So what?

47 on tinder bro. We're just trying to clear the pipes a little bit. That's true So christina is what says embarrassed. Yeah, it's two 47. Let me grow up Okay, you have to give her an orgasm and you have to do by any means necessary Mouth if you use your mouth your hands your peener I think six is fine Six mil. Yeah Why not you guys have a good life, do you know that? Like

Do you do you recognize that like we have a really good life because most people get used to their life And they go my life. It's fine. Are you like that or do you know that you just come down? Here and talk about this and then you We appreciate it every day. We're like I can't believe we get we get to do this dude. I got paid Six million dollars to make this lady Realize how good my life is. It's pretty sweet six million. See when I We frame it that way that makes sense framed it to like that to me And you show me the bags and then you're like if she's right through there

I would go in there with this attitude of like Daddy's gonna make you come. Yeah, so like do whatever you want. You want to fart in my face it gets started Like I would go I would just absolutely get no mental state You know really like I think I would leave there And she'd be like he needs to get a bonus because I came like 16 times. Oh, you know, okay I think I would go in there like let's up the ante. There's bonus checks You do a whole night with her and you got to do it as many times as she wants As many times as she wants and you have to do whatever she wants

She's not in good shape. She would she wouldn't she wouldn't be like more more more more You've got a you've got a nut three times in 12 hours 12. All right 12 hours. I think it's doable. I don't think I can do it I think you can and I needed two nuts and then you'll get any money because you couldn't do your third nut Your face I think the key is you you want those first two out as fast as you can You gotta you gotta get those out of the way and then you get to that refractory period It's gonna like really dwell after that second one and then when it's like, hey, man We got two hours left you'll be like, hey, why don't you fucking smack them around a little bit?

Yeah, I really get going here. Yeah, but he brought up a great point Is that you're gonna have her like butt juices and all her juices like all you're gonna smell her I would just think about I'm gonna be thinking about those millions though I can't believe you thought I was gonna do this for 20 thousand dollars I'm serious. I might do it for 20 grand If it's really I'm gonna get 20 grand Right tax-free what make a woman feel good for a while. It's beautiful. It's beautiful thing. She needs it She's a good night. She's a good night. It's tax-free money. All right. Can we regroup? Yeah, will you tell me for real?

What you would need to eat her box I'm being real be real. Look at her real. No, she's disgusting I would say this is what the moose soup lady looks like all right moose will be we actually saw her looks much better She does moose soup looks better. I'm serious I'm serious. She does this seriously is my nightmare if I were to go gay. This is not my You guys are doing good. That's that's her voice like that's who I that's who you imagine. Yeah And I'm being honest and sincere when I say one million dollars cash

And nobody finds out about it. That's another thing. You can't be on the internet and you have to make her come. Yeah A million and I'm being serious. You put a lot of effort into it, right for a million cash Yeah, cash like if you came out of there, she didn't come you'd be like, I really tried Yeah A million dollars a ton of money like let's say you walked out right now. She didn't come Would you be like I'd be so bummed dude because I want that money But you'd be like I really ate as much as I could that's fucked up. I wouldn't make it happen Yeah, I'm gonna flip the script on you

She straps on a dildo. We've got to take it For five minutes as she's yelling at you as she makes you wear a fedex outfit. Yeah Easy five minutes. Oh, okay. Now we can start talking that bullshit money. Okay. What is it 50 grand getting Bulldozed by her. Yeah, yeah with a strap on yeah No, but I might do it for like six figures or something Because I feel like there's no like that. I'm facing a wall You know, I'm looking away and the thing's being done to me See, I find that much more violating. Oh, no, see that I feel like I could check out

I feel like I could check out I agree with tom. You can check out. You can go I would check out and she'd be like, ah, fucking ups is better And I'd be like, yeah, all right, and then she just rails me and I would just kind of just be like, that's fine I've never had that done to me. So it's also the scary Oh, but but peggings when neither of I neither is he right, Tom He seems pretty cavalier about it. I just feel like yeah, I could hurt. I just feel like uh That that one's not I feel like doing things to her would require much more out of me. Okay. Yeah, I think it would I'm glad we figured all that out

Yeah, that's her that's her that's the elk. Yeah, that's who you're dealing with dirty Bitch Owen. Yeah Yeah Kyle have you ever smoked meth? No, yeah, what is your drug history like I was pretty much a square and then I've recently done a lot of marijuana at night to sleep That's nice do jellies and uh I used to take those uh diazepams or whatever like those uh are lunesta and I find the marijuana is not as I don't get as hungover and it seems like it doesn't affect me in a negative way. I hope

Seems like it's okay though. Cool. What do you guys do? Wine party Yeah, no a little bit of Mary Jane sometimes I want to try mushrooms. I've never done it. I don't even want to try that should do it What if you were to by the way since you know how he's single we're trying to hook him up What if he went into like a new Fast like a new genre a new a new lane instead of like traditional. Okay, what if you step out of the box a little bit? You know in terms of in what way?

Well, what if you did something like this you would be forgiven for thinking this is a meal with red wine But the glass is actually contained blood Leah and arrow aren't your average couple. They're actually real life vampires living in the sleepy town of Haven Hill Suffolk The taste of the blood depends on the person Maybe that's your lady. All right, how much to make her come for fuck. Is this our new game? I I would have an easier time with her Because she's got a real

Look that I could get into can I tell you something right away that I feel like already Well, she would like even if you weren't attracted or like she knows what's up She knows how to do things she could hurt you though. She could hurt you but she'd also be like I know what feels good. She's worked her way around a nut sack for sure. That's what i'm saying Guys you're referring to goth chicks, which I'm an expert in. There's two kinds of goth chicks You got your skinny goth chick and then your heavier goth chick who wears like a lot of latex and very not porous materials around their regimes I know I know what I'm saying. So that's not the best. That's what I've heard So I would take that into consideration because she's she's wearing leather and stuff

in that area It was love at first bite for lia and long time vampire arrow after meeting the dating website on valentine's day When I first saw that he was a vampire very interesting. I was like, okay Didn't know there was actually proper real vampires out there. I always hoped there was I hope they have children. She he looks terrifying Yeah, I mean she's like, you know, it looks like kind of like it almost looks i'm going to a costume party Yeah, but no, but i'm saying I feel like I see that she tried to put this together

With him, I see like a genuine scary fucking guy Right, like this is how he naturally looks. Yeah, I feel like there's no effort for him to look like this Vampire's murder people. So he's got to be at least entertaining those thoughts in his head Yeah, even as a fantasy that's A big part of their lifestyle I've always had cravings for blood since the first age. I can remember any time someone cut themselves If they cut their finger, I'd put their finger in my mouth if I'd clap my mouth over it. You see they see those thoughts was a bit strange. He's scary. Oh, yeah

The teeth aren't good too. I mean black lipstick highlights yellow teeth. So this is what your boyfriends looked like back then Yeah, yeah, I mean not like him, but like the same the black lipstick eyeliner pretty much seemed well Let me go But we didn't drink blood we're fucking lunatics. Uh, when she has her period, right? Yeah, yeah, right Keep it going. I'm most shockingly of all they drink each other's blood There's a almost like a mild current Now the loved-up couple are set to get married on the spookiest day of the year. Halloween Can we look at some dresses for the wedding?

Oh god Leah is so well unsure of how her family will take the news of her unusual lifestyle. She hasn't yet told them My parents are actually happy with the relationship. I they don't look healthy. No Yeah, a great way to get AIDS Yeah And hepatitis, you know, I was convinced I had AIDS in 1990 like not even I think I might have AIDS Like I knew I had AIDS how I I'd never had sex with a girl before and I came home from this party as a college You know, and she's like kyle dunning and get up here

She's drunk and we had sex really fast And she was 21 which seemed so old to me And if she had sex with me like she's probably you know, very All right, uh, so this is 1990 You if you had unprotected sex you got AIDS. Yes, that was like what they were right So I was convinced and I left there and I was I was really upset and I ran into my roommate at the time it was like this jock guy And I I embarrassed myself. I was like crying. You know, it's like you were yeah, I was crying

Yeah, I got AIDS. I was like that like where you get like one word out like just got AIDS and then Anyway, but it actually helped out because later on I never got tested because you couldn't get tested on campus and I was going to this Billy Joel concert, right? This all gets back to AIDS. Okay, and I'm in the back and I'm so far away at Yankee Stadium. You're you he's playing piano man. You're you're hearing Uptown Girl The sound So we sneak down I get to the front row and I'm gonna jump on stage, you know, what?

You know, it's a huge Billy Joel thing. You know, I'm gonna die anyways. I got AIDS That's what I thought really I wasn't gonna do it. I chickened out and then I remembered Oh, I have a I'm gonna die in the power of AIDS propelled You jumped on stage. Yeah, and they filmed it that night And uh, I have the film of me jumping on stage with AIDS. Are you being serious? Yeah, it's on my instagram And then I can pull up your instagram. Yeah, it's like one of the first videos I posted and then um, amazing Yeah, and then years later 25 years later almost the day I I was on stage with Billy Joel randomly And like how you're casually like, yeah, I was on stage with Billy. Well, Amy Schumer had his songs in her movie

And she basically because she knew I like Billy Joel and she's put him in there, you know for the other character And it's way down here. It's like one of the first okay as I posted Okay, so Amy had so so she was invited on stage Is it because uh to like dance during uptown girl and so she invited me So I went and met him during rehearsal and it was so eerie because it was the same like outdoor stadium He was in the same spot. I was in the same spot and like I went up the same way It was very eerie. Wow. How long ago by the way is your neck twisting injury? What's that from? Uh

I think I was like 24. Okay, I thought Geez, so we're Oh, yeah pictures. Ronnie the limo driver got all these photos Look at all these photos trying to figure out how to do instagram at that point That's a character that I lost because did you tell Billy Joel your aid story? I did I I didn't say aids but told him a story about me jumping on stage I showed him the video and I have the video. He was really cool. He was cool But I mean, I was you know

Jennifer Lawrence was there too and that he's probably if I they weren't there He would have been like get away from me. Fuck. I wait for me, dude. The fuck are you? He's like, oh, there it is. It is where we would go up. Oh, that's no, sorry go down Oh up to the right is like the rehearsal for the one. Oh, is that him? Yeah, yeah, oh, yeah, that's me showing him. Yes, him. Yes, you showing him the video video of me jumping on stage with aids Let's see how I want to see how much disdain he has for you and this he doesn't like me Let's see. Let's see if you can I

I think it was nice. Oh, yeah Yeah, I didn't know I can imagine being that famous is Billy Joel people just freak out every time they see you walking down the street He might be still be doing it. You know some places you get a residency Yeah, I have a residency like Vegas. He had he had or maybe still has a residency. He does Still does Jesus and his commute to work a helicopter lands on his lawn and then he flies It's like garth level. Yeah, I guess arena. I like your garth. Um posts. Yeah, what the hell's going on here? That's a topless book. I was trying to make tinder That's a good tinder shot course. Yeah, you're gonna get laid on that one. You are man, bro. We're trying to get

Thank you. No, that's cool. I didn't I thought that was like the opposite of uh, something that would turn women on How about the upright for tinder? Nope Nope, nope, nope. Oh boy. Oh, yeah, there it is Dyer, she is this is here. Yeah, is this you? Yeah, that's me That's me this girl. She's okay jumping on the stage. I was scared to jump off and I was like, oh, I'm narrating that Sorry, that came with the courage You pat him on the back. Yeah, he says good job sake. Thanks. This guy. I'm like, hey

Watch out. I'm having it. Don't touch me. Is this the end of the show that he's doing? Yeah, I was right at the end. I was scared to jump up. Then I was like, oh, yeah Whoa, that's cool. That's amazing. That's amazing. Good job. Thanks. He just looks at you. It's kind of fun. He's kind of cool about it He's like that guy's eight. He's like, yeah, he's a little thin Anyway, that's my Billy Joel. He just did not freak out at all. He was like awesome guys on the stage get him down It's awesome. Um, all right. Uh, anywhere you have coming up any tour dates or anything like that? Oh Yeah, what do you got where you coming? I'm gonna be at the Largo theater, uh, December 18th in Los Angeles

And then I'm doing a tour like in February Ish, which hasn't which will be on my website. Okay. What's your website? Kyle Dunnegan comedy dot com And you're very very funny instagram is at Kyle Dunnegan one If you could refer to me as the king of instagram, that would help me out. That's I have no problem with that. Cool. Yeah, thanks Um, and then let's see. We have a do you have anything to add gene anything else that they're on there? I'm the christina p on instagram not to be confused with all the other christina peas. I'm sagura tom Sagura tom saguara. I flipped it because uh, why did you at the time 16 year old british boy named tom sagura head at tom

Yes, someone has christina p. So I'll be the christina p this song. Uh, we always have a listener made songs This dj double pipe made this it's called. I fucking want to get horny In parentheses to try it out. Oh, okay. Cool. So kyle. Thank you for coming. Thank you gene. Thanks for being here Oh, thank you. Tommy Todd. I had fun with you christine. I didn't find you tim by gene by gene I want to get You You just a cool guy